#becos it fits songs like this so well

[scootarooni]

cant think of a caption so pls listen to this miki cover thats stuck in my head

[shepardyke]

SHOW FINISHED here are my thoughts:

overall very very very fun to me. most characters were very likeable! wednesday thing and enid are my all time faves, and a lot of the supporting cast were cool :) shout out to eugene and bianca. morticia and weems my beloveds... i chose to ignore the show's attempts to address social issues becos the way they handled some things were kinda cringe oopsie! loved the settings, W/E's room, the nightshade club, eugene's bee farm, the forest! the music really tied into everything pretty well imo,, great soundtrack with different genre's.. the jaunty theme song makes me wanna take my skin off and dance in my bare bones.. dance scene was awesome, enid's entire presence in the finale was so 🐺🐺🐺🐺 wednesday's everything was really good to me .. she should manipulate people more i think ... the t/x situations were kinda boring except when wednesday was using them for her investigation like yes girlboss.. conflict was added when i think it shouldnt have existed in the first place.. i just wanna see her sneaking around and nearly getting other people killed... more grave digging... she should have sniffed more dead bodies i think ... she deserves it... her growth with eugene and enid and thing was so fucking good... lidderally family.... enid should have wolfed out more i think but very fitting of her to transform when her bestie was in danger... love scenes where creatures just beat the shit out of each other... curious as to who the hell has beef with wednesday now.. someone is taking pictures of her again, and one of them was like lidderally two feet away from her. i want more sleuthing! and more school activities.. the poe cup was fun :( who the fuck is gonna be the new headmaster... morticia?... no... and wednsday has a phone now ... enid and thing playing imessage games next season or i RIOT... and maybe w/e smooch a little idk..

TLDR i will be down to watch again :)

[snzunii]

Gojoxreader something about forbidden love then one of them dies

23:45

"but i can't have you, we're bound to break and our hands are tied."

+ pairings. gojo satoru x f!reader

+ tags. romance, fantasy, heavy angst, major character death, mentions of death, depression, forbidden love trope, stepcest, unrequited love, mentions of sex, smoking, drinking, modern au, all in all it's just sad shit that i enjoyed writing becos *coughs* heavy angst

+ word count. 16.7k

+ note. okay i've been writing this for days. i told myself that this would be just 5k words or maybe less but, it's heavy angst so i went all out 😭 and forbidden love is one of my favorite tropes soooooo yeah, and anon thank u sm for requesting this <3 hihihi i hope u guys love this :<

the summary and some parts was inspired from the song rewrite the stars, i thought it just fits so there hehe

ur feedbacks are always appreciated, love u guys <3

"Satoru."

This was two years ago, you thought.

Why is he in front of you? Is this some kind of dream?

It was all the same. His posture, the way he dressed, how he smiled at your mother, how he looked at you with his cerulean eyes that you have always adored.

You looked at your mother, why isn't she shocked? Why are they smiling and all happy when Satoru died a week ago?

"You know each other already?" your stepfather asked, Satoru shook his head while you remained in shock.

How could this happen? Are you still sleeping?

"No, this is the first time that I saw her."

You tried pinching yourself and digging your fingernails into the palm of your hands but it hurts, so that means that it was real.

Satoru is alive and well, and you go back two years.

Just last night you were crying your eyes out. You are grieving that you lost the man that you have loved so much. The man that made you the happiest in the whole damn universe.

You were grieving because you saw it yourself, how he died. You saw it right before your eyes and now he's here.

"Why don't you show your brother upstairs to his room?" your mother said to you.

They are getting worried because you aren't yourself right now, you can't even begin to process what the hell is happening right at this moment.

Your mother called your name and that's when you snapped out of your thoughts.

"Yeah. Okay.." you stuttered, "Follow me."

Confused, you helped Satoru carry one of his bags and you were the first one to go up the stairs while he followed you.

You already know what happens. He annoys you then you would be pissed off but then you'll get close, you fall in love, you hide your relationship from your parents then he dies.

He. freaking. died.

"What the fuck is this?" you whispered as you walked in the hallway of your second floor towards Satoru's designated room.

"Did you say something?" he walked beside you, you jumped a bit then you stopped walking. You turn to Satoru and then drop his bag off the floor.

The next thing you did caught him off guard. You wrapped your arms around his waist as you lean your head on his chest—sobbing, he doesn't know why the hell are you hugging him at this moment as you cry because he just met you.

But for you? You already know him for two years. You already memorized every part of his gorgeous features.

You already know every move, every gesture and every meaning behind the things that he does.

You memorized all of him, you loved all of Satoru.

"Are you real?" you said half coherently, your sobs were covering up the things that you were saying.

Still baffled, he reciprocated your hug because you were crying so hard. He can almost feel the anguish in your weeping, he taps your back gently over and over as he try to find the words to comfort you, "It's alright.."

You tighten your hug.

It has been a week since you lost Satoru and all you wanted is to embrace him again, like this. You thought you would never get to do that again but the universe must be losing one of its screws right now.

You pulled away from him, you looked at his eyes as you wiped your tears. "How is this happening?"

He frowned as he gave you a bit of a confused smile, "Uhm... your mother is marrying my father. That's how, I guess?"

He's confused as hell, he had no single bit of a clue as to why you were acting this way.

"Oh.. yeah." You sighed as you picked his bag back up again, you walked first into his room and placed his bag on the bed. "Here's your room."

"Thank y-" he didn't even finish thanking you because you just walked out of his room, you kind of weirded him out because you just cried on his chest and then suddenly acted like you were straight from the freezer.

You entered your room and everything was in place. It seems like yesterday all of your things are scattered around your room because you were so inconsolable about his death that you don't have the time to tidy up your room.

You threw yourself on the bed, maybe if you sleep you would wake up from this ridiculously real but very impossible dream.

"This is Satoru and he's your new brother." your mother said as she smiled. You looked intently at the white-haired man in front of you, he is freakishly tall, he has blue eyes and white eyelashes. You raised your eyebrow for a bit then you let out a smile.

"Nice meeting you, Satoru." you said sweetly. "I hope we get along."

He gave you a wide smile, "You too."

Your mother tapped your shoulder causing you to turn to her, "Why don't you show your brother upstairs to his room?"

"Of course, follow me." you tell him as you go up, Satoru follows you.

He walked beside you once you stepped on the second floor, "So, I guess we're siblings? I mean step because you know we aren't related by blood. It'd be nice if we really got along-"

You turned to him and stopped him from talking, "You look like you're an annoying prick."

He raised his eyebrow but then he gave you a laugh, "Oh-ho. Showing your true colors now, are you?"

He knew it, earlier, was just piss poor acting. It's a bummer because he was hoping to get along with you since you looked nice and innocent and he was excited because he'd be having a sister to annoy.

"Okay. For your information, I don't want to get along with you but I have no choice because it's for my mom because truth be told, I don't like any of this. I already have a father and I don't get why she is with your father instead of patching things up with my dad."

You frowned when Satoru messed your hair, "You don't have a choice, darling. And my father's a nice guy, why don't you give this family a chance?"

You let out a bitter laugh, "Family my ass."

You slept for hours until dinner time came, you heard someone knock on your door and you opened the door still half-asleep. "Dad said to come and get you."

Your eyes instantly opened as wide as they could when you heard his voice, so it isn't a dream.

Satoru's still here.

"Give me a minute and I'll come down." you told him as you closed the door on him.

Satoru's still confused as to why you embraced him and then cried on his chest but he'd let it go because he thought that you were going through something.

Well, you are. You were mourning his death.

You don't know what to feel now. You were filled with agony that you lost the love of your life and you keep on thinking that you'd give and do everything just to hold him close again.

Maybe this is the universe giving you a chance. You keep telling yourself that it is impossible but it is happening.

He's alive again. You get to talk to him again.

You get to see your Satoru again.

But what's the catch? Yeah, he's alive but you doubt the universe would grant you this big and did you already say impossible wish without having repercussions?

You were happy but you were getting stressed so you walked towards your bookshelf and got the safe box that was disguised as a book and got the box of cigarettes inside.

You smiled, everything was placed the way it was two years ago.

You quit smoking when you got together with Satoru but this bizarre situation calls for a smoke right now.

You were about to place the safe box on the shelf again when you saw some weird white book that you don't remember having.

Your brows furrowed, you placed the cigarette stick down and got the white book. It was blank, the cover was just white with no text in it.

You opened it and there was a text on the first page.

Rewrite what was written on the stars.

"What..?"

Desist the sequence of events that would lead to his demise.

Rewrite what and the desist what?

You figured that it has something to do with what was happening right now. It said, "Rewrite what was written on the stars..."

You laid on your bed as you looked at the ceiling, "Rewrite? Is that why I travelled back two years ago?"

You drowned yourself in your thoughts, figuring out what the words meant and who the hell is doing this.

Is it some kind of prank but then why and how did you travel two years ago?

So, I need to change what happened in the past two years so that Satoru wouldn't die?

You got the book again and frowned, and additional words were added on the first page. It was written in some symbols that you swear you have seen before but you can't point where.

What in the sorcery is this?

You remembered, you liked reading some ancient things when you were a kid with your dad— he even got you some books about ancient letters and stuff but then you stopped reading it when he left.

You stood up from your bed and searched your bookshelf until you saw the dusty old book. You know that there is a list of ancient letters in here. You just need to match each symbol to its corresponding letters.

Alright, Nancy Drew. You need to do some solving.

You got some pen and paper from your desk and then you matched each symbol and letters until you form a sentence on the piece of paper.

Each letter that you wrote weighs a ton in your heart when you form the letter that you were writing into words and once you finished writing it, you felt like all the strings in your heart snapped into two.

You read it out loud, "Do not make him fall in love with you anymore..."

You knew it, you fucking knew it.

You don't want to live a life without him loving you now that you know how it felt when you were loved by Satoru.

But what's important is that he's alive, right?

You can do it, you can shove your feelings down and pretend that you don't love him with every bit of your being. You can be oblivious to the growing affliction that was planted in your heart.

You heard a knock on the door once again and it opened, revealing the person that is and always will be the object of your affection. "They're wondering what's taking you so long- are you reading?"

You immediately closed the books and wiped the bit of tears that were falling from your eyes. "I'm coming down."

"You said that minutes ago. Your mom said to tell you that the food was getting cold and it wouldn't eat itself." he said as he chuckled.

You just scoffed and tried to avoid looking at him but then it really is hard considering that Satoru is now looking around your room.

You bit your lip to stop from smiling, you knew that Satoru was kind of snoopy. It is the reason why you were annoyed with him for a few months.

You don't even know why you fell for him.

He was smug. He annoyed the hell out of you but regardless, he made you laugh with all the silly things that he did.

He understood your feelings more than anyone. He was there for you whenever you needed somebody.

What hurts is that you know you can never let that happen again. He is right there but you can never be with him.

"Who said you can look around?" you said as you stood up from your bed, raising your eyebrow at him.

"Pfft. Come on," he walked towards you and placed his arm above your shoulder, "I just wanted to look at my new sister's room."

"I'm not your sister." you said as you removed his arm. "We're not related, dumb ass. Your dad's just marrying my mom."

"Then that makes you my sister, dumb ass." he mocked you and placed his arm on your shoulders again and dragged you out of your room.

You wanted Satoru's touch more than anything in this world but you know that this, the touching and being close to him can't happen anymore.

"Don't touch me, we aren't close." you said as you removed his arm again.

"Says the one who hugged and cried to me earlier."

You are painfully aware of the fact that you did that and you just need some excuse to tell him why you did that.

"I was being crazy."

Lame ass excuse.

"You don't say." he said in a sarcastic and kind of amused way.

"Just don't talk to me." you said as you went down the stairs.

"Why?"

You didn't answer him and just left him on the stairs.

Because I'm trying not to touch and kiss you because I freaking miss you so much.

...

It has been a few weeks since the time restarted and so far? It was going so hard and painful.

It wasn't easy. Seeing the person you love but can't do anything about it.

You can't even tell him how much you love him. All that you can do is to watch him and be grateful that he is alive.

Your pain is nothing. You preferred to be hurt like this instead of living in a world where Satoru doesn't exist. Loving him in silence is enough for you.

"Can I come in?"

"No! Go away-"

"Too late. I'm already in." he said as he walked towards you, you felt Satoru sitting comfortably on your bed as if it was his own.

"Who the fuck told you to go inside my room and sit on my bed?" you said as you turned your head to his direction, you threw him your daggers and knowing him, he wasn't fazed.

"I heard your screaming match, you are grounded, huh?"

Yeah, funny. You are a twenty year old who still gets grounded by your mother.

"Get the fuck out." you said as you covered yourself with your blanket.

Satoru probably heard that you didn't want him and his father in your house and you're wondering why he's still nice to you when you have been shit to him all this time.

You feel him tap your back, "So, what is your problem with me or my dad?"

You groaned as you removed your blanket, you turned to your side to look at Satoru who is now lying on his side, looking at you as he rested his head on his palm.

"Getting comfortable, are you now?" you said with your brows furrowed. "I'll count to three and if you aren't out of my bed then I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"One.." you started, Satoru just stared at you with his cocky grin, doubting that you'll do anything.

"Two, three." you counted faster and that's when you kicked him out of your bed, literally kicked.

You heard a loud sound when he fell on the floor and next to that was his whining as he winced in pain.

"Stop whining like a child and get out of my room." you said as you covered yourself in your blanket again.

"You're mean." he said while pouting as he caressed his butt. "My butt hurts."

"And? Is it my fault you annoying prick?"

"You kicked me!"

"Cry about it crybaby."

"Satoru. He's your brother?" you heard your friend Yuna asked you, you look at her and to her line of sight— she is looking at him. "He looks so.. hmm, handsome."

Yeah, you know.

"He isn't my brother." you said as you continue on reading your book.

Satoru studies at the same university as you are, of course. You are currently sitting at your usual place with your friends and kind of your make out spot after classes when you were together, you both got some balls on you two, you know.

Making out under the tree near the field? So wrong.

Making out under the tree near the field with your stepbrother? Extremely wrong.

But you didn't care because you were crazy for each other.

"Okay. Do you think I could get his number?"

No.

"Go for it."

As much as it sends stabbing pains in your heart, maybe getting Satoru with another woman would change everything.

Seeing him alive and happy is enough for you to get on with your life. You can move on— just not now, it would take too long to get over him because he is your greatest love but you will.

Your friend excitedly stands up and fixes herself before heading to where Satoru is with his friends.

You just wanted to laugh at yourself, you were getting hurt and you can't even take your eyes off them as they exchanged their numbers.

Satoru turned his head to look at your direction, he gave you a smile but you just looked away and turned your attention to your book.

You leaned on the tree and closed the book along with your eyes. All of what is left to you was the memories of you and Satoru, and it was so beautiful but what hurts is it only lives in your mind now because he can't even remember any of it.

You would have to live in a world where you have these blithesome memories and no one to share it with.

"Hey. Wake up."

"What the hell do you want Gojo Satoru? I swear I will kill you if you woke me up for no reason at all." you said continuously without even opening your eyes because you just know who that voice belongs to.

"I'll sneak you out." you heard him say.

You were still grounded and that means you can't go out and party with your friends which is ridiculous because you're an adult already.

"Are you crazy?" you opened your eyes and looked at him, you looked at the clock and it was 11:45 in the evening.

Your mom and his dad are still wide awake watching their favorite show downstairs.

"I thought you wanted to go out with your friends? I heard you tell your mom that you even bought a dress for that party."

"Yeah. I did- Can you stop listening in on our conversations?"

Satoru laughed, "I wasn't listening. May I remind you that you were both shouting that's why I heard you say that?"

You just rolled your eyes at him as you sat on your bed. Why is he doing this?

Why is he being nice to you even though you are treating him badly?

"Would you really sneak me out?"

"Yep. Jump that window and I'll catch you."

"What?!"

"Your friend asked me out." Satoru said as he walked with you.

"Yeah. I know, I told her to go for it since she's been ogling you ever since you transferred."

You didn't mean to sound so jealous but can you blame yourself?

Satoru noticed the tone in your voice, he just hummed as he walked beside you, "Is she nice?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to go out with her?"

You stopped walking because of his question, if you say no would he still date her?

Why would he even ask you that? Is it that obvious that you are so in love with him?

"Why would you ask me that?" you scoffed as you walked again, "Go out with her for all I care."

You have got to stop sounding jealous.

"Okay, I won't." he said as he gave you his billion dollar smile.

You sighed and stopped walking, you turned to him and looked straight into his eyes. You wanted to say that Okay, don't go out with her and be with me.

"Then why the hell do you even get her number if you won't go out with her, you jerk? I didn't say anything so go do what you want. You shouldn't be asking me that question because it's your decision."

Satoru just looked at you with mirth as he let you babble on, he doesn't even know why but being with you gives him comfort, even though you are being mean to him.

He feels like he knows you even though he has only been living with you for a few weeks.

But despite the things that you are making him feel, confusion is what's on his mind. You sound like you don't want him to go out with your friend but you are urging him.

He sighed and surrendered, "Okay. I will."

It was just words but it crushed you inside. You wanted to hear the three words, the three words that make you so happy that you feel you are floating.

Not these three words that made you feel your heart was being stomped on too many times.

"Good." you said as you try to speak with your voice cracking, "Enjoy."

"You told me that you would sneak me out but you didn't tell me that you'd be coming with me."

"You think I'd let you go out alone in the middle of the night?" he answered as you both walked inside your friend's house filled with wasted people inside.

Satoru's father knows that he sneaked you out and asked him to go with you, though he'd still go with you even if his father doesn't ask him to.

"Fine. But don't tag along with me."

"You really don't like me, huh?"

You didn't answer him. It's not that you don't like him or his father. You just have your reasons.

You just went to your friends' direction. Satoru just watched you drink your ass off with them, though it is kind of hard to keep track of you with all the women who were trying to flirt with him.

Finally, you looked in his direction. You frown as you try to understand what he's mouthing to you.

The neon lights and the loud music isn't helping plus, your mind is also kind of hazy because of all the liquor that you ingested.

"What?" you mouthed back.

He just gestured for you to come to his direction, you clicked your tongue as you put your drink down on the table. You went in his direction. "What do you want, prick?"

"Let's go home." he said as he reached for your hand and not giving you the time to protest as he dragged you out of your friend's house.

"Let go of me." you said with a crystal clear hint of annoyance in your voice.

"No. We're going home. You are drunk and I don't want to get scolded."

Satoru doesn't give a shit if his father or even your mother chastises him, he just can't take the guys who were trying to touch you and talk to you. He thought that maybe it was an instinctive brotherly thing.

He doesn't know. He was just pissed out of his mind.

"I hate you." you mumbled as you squirm your arm out of his touch.

Satoru just smiles at you as he messes with your hair, "Do you really?"

"No." you answered while you walked with him to where he parked his car. "Don't get me wrong, you are annoying as fuck but I don't hate you and your dad."

"Okay. You are drunk." he said as he opened the car door for you, you sat on the passenger's seat and Satoru bent down to fasten your seatbelt for you.

Satoru's scent grazed under your nose and you got to say, it was much more intoxicating than the alcohol that you drank.

You just looked at his face as he fixed your seatbelt, he looked at you when he felt you touch his hair. "Did you dye your hair or it's naturally white?"

"It's natural." he said while looking at your eyes and you look down for a bit and you also notice that his lips were rosy.

"Are your lips naturally this rosy or do you put lip balm on?"

Satoru snickered at your questions. You aren't this talkative especially with him so he thought you really were drunk and it was a great decision to take you home.

But it was funny seeing you like this, he thought that you were cute, as he would put it.

"Don't laugh. Answer me."

"I put something on." he answered you and got some small lip balm in his pocket, "Here."

"What flavor is this? Does it have a flavor?" you asked, "Can I try it on? Put some on me."

He chuckled when you closed your eyes and pouted your lips. It looked like you were asking for a kiss, he thought but then he shrugged it off because you know why.

He opened the cap and you felt his pinky finger, spreading the lip balm on your lips. He looked at your face and he felt like something jumped inside his chest.

He let out a deep breath and ignored it, it was probably nothing.

"There." he said, causing you to open your eyes, you licked your lips and frowned.

"I can't taste it." he just chuckled at you and pulled himself up, he closed the door on your seat and circled around his car to get on the driver's seat. "Satoru, why can't I taste it?"

You asked one more time once he got inside the car, he turned to you and held your chin in between his fingers. "Open your mouth, let's see."

You rolled your eyes but then you obeyed him, he acted like he was checking every part of your mouth but then his eyes widened, "Oh... your tongue is missing."

You clicked your tongue as you gave him a slight smack in the head, "I might be drunk but I'm not stupid you annoying ass."

You throw yourself at your bed as you stare at your ceiling, you are crying again.

How could you not when you are the one pushing the love of your life to fall in love with somebody else?

You got your pillow and pressed it to your face as you screamed to your heart's content— until your screams were replaced with painful sobs, you tighten your grip on your pillow. "I miss you. I miss you so much."

You stopped crying when you heard your mother knock on your door. "Are you there?"

"Yeah, wait a minute." you answered and immediately fixed yourself.

You wouldn't want your mother to see you in a state like this, you looked like a mess. You were devastated on the inside and well, on the outside too.

After you neaten yourself, you opened the door and it revealed your mother. You frowned, this was the exact scene before you had that screaming match that got you grounded two years ago.

"Were you crying?"

You try as much as possible to remember what was the first thing she told you that time but you swear that that was the thing she asked you last time.

Because it is, you were crying before because of your father and now you are crying because of Satoru.

"No. I was not." you answered, "I have to do something, mom. Do you need something?"

All you need to do is to rewrite and avoid the things that would lead to making Satoru fall in love with you.

The time that your mother grounded you was the time that Satoru comforted you the most, he even helped you sneak out. All you need to do is change what happened in here so what happened to that party wouldn't happen again.

Because you surmised that, that's how things began for you and him. When you opened up yourself to him.

You need to avoid that now.

"I just need to make sure that you are okay with them moving in. I know you think that it was sudden but... you understand, right?"

"No, mom. I don't understand. I don't want them here! Do you get it? You never tried fixing things with dad! You never patched things up and just left him! Did you even think about me?!"

You walked towards your mother and wrapped your arms around her as you rested your chin on her shoulders, "I understand, mom. If you are happy then I am."

You heard your mother sigh in relief. She hugged you back and kissed the side of your head as she caressed your hair, "I knew you would understand. Thank you, honey."

Perhaps, this was also the universe giving you a chance to do right by your mother.

You were awful to her for finding the one who truly loved her, this is your chance to make things right.

"Oh, mom." you pulled away, "I'll be going to a party at Hana's next week. I just thought you should know."

She gave you a hum of approval and tapped your shoulders gently, "Of course."

You changed it.

There was no yelling at each other, no one's getting grounded and now Satoru wouldn't try to do his best in comforting you. That means he wouldn't sneak you out this time.

He'll live. You know it.

You would do everything for him to live even if you were hurting in the process.

"This isn't home." you said once Satoru pulled up in front of a diner.

"You need to sober up first. I won't take you home in that state." Satoru answered as he removed his seatbelt and the next was yours, "Come on."

He opened the car door and laid his hand for you, "You know you are being a gentleman but you are still annoying me, why is that?"

"It's my innate power to annoy people, I guess." he jokingly answered, making you laugh.

"Oh yeah. That makes sense."

"I was just kidding."

You ignored Satoru and walked into the diner first. You got into one of the seats because your head was spinning though you are getting a bit sober now.

"Can I have some?" Satoru asked you once you got your order.

You rolled your eyes, he had the chance to order some fries and he didn't, now he's asking for yours?

"Uh-uh. You should've ordered yours." you protected the plate of fries using your arms and when he tried to get on you swatted his hand. "I said no."

"You know you're too mean, right?"

"And what about it?" you raised your eyebrow. Instead of hating you because of your crappy attitude towards him, he finds you amusing.

He enjoyed annoying and teasing you these past few weeks, sometimes so much that you were too close to throw all the books on your shelf— no, scratch that. Sometimes you thought of throwing him the whole shelf instead.

"You know you remind me of someone." he started, you just frowned at him indicating that you were letting him speak because you were too busy eating your burger, "You remind me of myself."

You snorted as you swallowed your food first before answering him, "Am I... irritating too?"

"You reminded me of myself when my dad met your mom the first time." he smiled at you, "It felt like he moved on too fast from my mom and she was already dead three years after they met. I was shitty to him because I wasn't ready for him to move on."

The other reason that Satoru isn't hostile towards you even though you are to him is because he understood what you are going through.

"But it's not up to us you know? We don't get to choose who is that someone that they get to love. All we can do is be happy for them because they are happy. They grieved and they moved on, but it doesn't mean that they would forget about the person who made them happy too."

You bit your lip as you put your food down, you took a deep breath before answering him. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't feel bad that I was being shit to my mom.. and to your dad?"

You know that someday you'd have to accept it.

But ever since your parents separated, the hope of them getting back together didn't leave your heart. You were complete and you were happy— or so you thought.

They weren't happy and you realized that growing up. They just pulled it together for you and finally had the guts to leave each other when you were getting a bit aware of everything.

"Do you think I am a bad person?" you asked him, his face was filled with awe when he saw you started crying. He stood up and sat on the chair beside you— wrapping his arms around your shoulder as he pulled you close to him.

You didn't expect for him to hug you like this but it gave you comfort. This is the first time that you get to spill your feelings to somebody.

You never open stuff like this to your friends because you don't want to burden them with your problems, they already have their own.

It was odd because it gave you assurance that Satoru was the first person you cried to. It just felt safe in his arms.

It was funny because you thought that he was the last person you'd run to when you are in pain. You always thought it was your mother but she doesn't want you to cry about your father, hence, the screaming match you two had.

"I don't think you are. You are just hurting. You are still processing things and that's alright." he said as he caressed your hair. "You have plenty of time to make it right and you can start by being nice to me."

You wiped your tears and playfully smacked him in the chest. "Ha-ha. Okay."

"Going to a party?" Satoru asked you as he peered at your bedroom door, "Hana's party perhaps?"

You frowned, "How did you know?"

"Yuna invited me to go with her. You want to go together? I mean, we'd have to fetch her first if that's alright?"

Satoru isn't supposed to go to this party because he already did the last time and look what happened— he brought you to that diner, however, he'd be going with Yuna. That's different, right?

It changed. You figured that he'd focus all of his attention on Yuna and not you.

"Sure." you answered and went on putting your makeup.

He'd be going with Yuna, you'd be lying if you say that you aren't hurting but what can you do? But your feelings aren't important now, his life is.

...

"No. I want this." you said as you got the CD from the pile. "We will watch this."

He hummed and clicked his tongue as he got the CD from you, "No. I already know what happened there, the girl dies in the end."

You glared at him. You have wanted to watch that movie for a long time and now he just spoiled you big time. "I fucking hate you."

"Language." you heard your mother say as she walked to the living room carrying a huge bowl of popcorn. "Did you two choose already?"

You purse your lips as you sit on the couch while Satoru sits on the floor.

"Not this one because Satoru just spoiled it for me." you threw the CD on the pile, you nudged Satoru on his shoulder with your feet, "You choose. You win. I don't care."

He lets out his annoying laugh as he puts the disk inside the player. Great, he chose the scary one.

Your mom and his dad were sitting on the big couch and you two were sitting on the settee.

You aren't a big fan of scary movies, that's why you are getting kind of uneasy. Your mother wanted a movie night and you remembered what Satoru said a few months ago, that you can start making things right.

And you started by agreeing on 'family' movie night.

It was going well so far and you were able to contain your fear but then Satoru decided to be a freaking nitwit.

"Hey." you looked at him when he called for your name, "Who's that behind your back?"

You jumped and immediately opened the lights. "Mom!"

You don't mean to sound like a child, telling on your mother but that is exactly what you did. Your mother just laughed at you and Satoru's dad rebuked him.

"I was just playing. Sorry." he said as he walked towards you and messed with your hair like it is his favorite thing to do in the world.

And it is, he guesses. It's his favorite thing in the world plus annoying the hell out of you.

But you also let him because getting teased and getting your hair messed up by Satoru was perhaps your favorite thing in the world too.

The movie night is going well and your parents decided to turn in for the night but you both stayed to watch the movie franchise because Satoru forced you to.

It was silent between you two because you were both focused on the movie not until he felt your head on his shoulder.

He removed the strands of hair that was covering your face and just stared at you as you fell into a peaceful slumber, and that's when his lips formed an upward curve.

He doesn't know if has been spending too much time with you but he feels the happiest when he's with you.

He felt charged. He was curious about your whole being, he got this feeling of determination to get to know you better. To protect you and feel your pain or happiness with you.

Is it normal? To feel like that for his supposed stepsister?

He leaned his face closer to yours and much more closer until your lips were a few inches away.

"What the hell am I doing?" he sighed as he paused the movie.

He carefully leaned you on the sofa so that he could stand up. He gently carried you upstairs to your room and tucked you in your bed.

His heart was beating uncontrollably as he looked at your face again but he needed to push it down because your parents are getting married.

He's not supposed to fall for you but you are making it so damned impossible. You aren't doing anything, you just existed and he felt this for you.

Shit just happens, he guess.

He placed a gentle kiss on your forehead and went out of your room.

"This is bad." he whispered, "So fucking bad."

...

The whole car ride to Hana's house was... you don't know, painful? To put it in detail, it was a gut wrenching car ride and all you wanted to do the whole time was to grab your heart inside your chest and maybe stomp on it yourself literally.

You should've taken a cab to Hana's but you didn't, you don't know if you are that stupid or do you just like to hurt yourself like that.

It was hurtful to see Satoru laugh and flirt with another woman, your friend of all people. They try to include you in their conversation but most of their jokes are, you know, more like an inside joke between them.

They're the only people who can relate to it, and all you can do is laugh forcefully as if you aren't dying inside.

You wanted to open it up to your best friend, Ieiri, who you miss very much — but this time you aren't meeting yet or you doubt that you two would even be friends because you and Satoru aren't together anymore.

Shoko knew along with Suguru, which you miss too, because they saw you two under that tree near the field and you don't know how it happened but since then you two were friends with them. You both trust them so they're the only people who really knew the true nature of your relationship.

Not only did you lose Satoru but you also lost these two. You would never meet them if you and Satoru aren't together— and now, you aren't even friends with them. You remember how fun you used to have together, the four of you.

Sometimes, you just want to come up to them and tell them how you missed them but you didn't want for them to think that you were weird. The last time that you saw them were in Satoru's funeral, because you didn't want to see anybody when he died.

You pass by Shoko sometimes in the hallway and you wanted to smile at her but then you fold.

Now, all you can do is drown yourself into innumerable alcoholic drinks but somehow, instead of getting light-headed and free— you feel your chest tighten more and more.

Your head was clouded with the thoughts of Satoru and Yuna, who is by the way flaunting their relationship or whatever that is in front of you.

You just want to pull Yuna out of Satoru's lap and just throw her outside.

"Fuck this." you whispered as you stood up from the couch and you probably had too much to drink that you were close to falling but you still managed.

You walked into the balcony and got some cigarette from your close acquaintance.

You were about to light it up but then someone snatched it from your mouth. You turned to that person. "Does your mom know?"

"No." you answered, you can't be mad at him. You know he doesn't like it when someone he cares about smokes. "Would you tell on me?"

"No but don't get near that thing again." he answered and leaned his back on the railings, he looked at your face and he noticed how distressed you looked. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Where's Yuna?" you asked and didn't even bother to hide the bitterness in your groggy voice.

"She's talking to someone." he said, "Are you really okay? Do you want to go home?"

Are you okay? Of course not. You forgot what it feels like to be alright. You just want everything to be okay, you want Satoru but this world is unfair. You know you can't have it all.

...

Satoru is odd today. In fact, he has been for a week. He wasn't his usual self. He isn't making his usual stupid jokes and irritating the hell out of you.

But that's what you want, right? Him, not to annoy the living hell out of you for once. However, the thing is— you were used to it already.

Your day feels incomplete when he's not the one banging on your door every morning to wake you up. It isn't complete without him talking to you non-stop as he drives you both to the uni or when you two are singing to the song that's playing on the radio.

Did you do something wrong?

You were just looking outside the window as Satoru drove, contemplating whether to talk to him or not.

You sighed as you turned to look at him, you were about to speak but then your mind suddenly went blank and looked at the window again.

Satoru can see you from his peripheral vision, he knows that you must be confused by the way that he's acting.

But ever since that movie night, his mind was going crazy along with the undeniably fast beating of his heart whenever you are around.

He knows that he needs to stop what he feels before it gets deeper.

But it irritates you that he isn't irritating you. You wanted him to talk to you just like he used to.

It's irking, you thought. You don't want to admit it but you are actually missing him.

You are missing Satoru and he is right there.

Why in the hell would you feel that way for him?

Is he tired of you being mean to him? You thought you both established that it was just your way to joke around him?

Are you too much? Do you need to be nicer to him?

"For fuck's sake would just tell me what did I do?!" you snapped and looked at him.

You can't think too much, it drives you really crazy.

On the other hand, Satoru was startled by your sudden movement. He maneuvered the car into the side and looked at you. "What the fuck was that? Are you trying to get us killed?"

"Sorry." you said with a low voice, "But what the hell is wrong with you? Are you avoiding me? What did I do?"

"You did nothing. Okay? Just... I need to- nothing. Just shut up." he said as he looked away from you and was about to drive again but you stopped him.

"We aren't moving unless you tell me what the hell is wrong with you." you said while holding his hand, just to stop him from driving.

It was just simple hand touching but he felt like his heart was quivering around instead of pumping normally.

"Satoru." your soft voice made his ears perked up. Your voice and how your lips part whenever you say his name is driving him crazy.

This isn't normal— is what's on his mind. He can't think straight.

"Please? I.." you paused, "I miss you."

That's it.

He took a deep breath as he removed his seatbelt in a haste, grabbing your nape as he gave you a peck on your lips.

Both your pupils dilated at the sudden contact. You just looked at each other not knowing what to do.

"I'm sorry." he broke the silence. He let go of your nape and fastened his seatbelt as he drove once again.

You just looked outside the window as you subconsciously touched your lips.

You must be crazy because you wanted him to just pull your nape again and kiss you again like that, maybe longer even.

...

All day.

The only thing on your mind the whole day was Satoru kissing you. Thankfully, he had extra classes today so you wouldn't be going home with him today.

You entered the house and you saw your mother on the living room couch with a bunch of magazines.

"Hey, sweetheart." she greeted you, "Where's Satoru?"

"Huh?" you suddenly panicked.

Oh for fuck's sake, you just heard his name and you went nutsy.

"Where's your brother?"

When you heard that word it felt like something shattered. It vexed you— you also felt that small prick in your heart.

"He had extra classes." you said as you walked to the stairs, but before your foot even touched the first step, you turned to your mother.

You wanted to say that he isn't your brother.

He's not really, right?

Your mother noticed how you were just standing there, "Do you need something?"

"Nothing."

You just let it go.

Your mother might think that there is something going on if you say that, considering that you two have been close these past few weeks.

You did everything you could to forget the scene earlier. You did your tasks, you read a book— no, books. You rolled on your bed, stared at the ceiling and looked outside the window.

But you can't take your mind off that.

You even took a bath to freshen up your mind but Satoru's still there.

It's like he's living in your mind.

You were blow drying your hair until you heard a knock on your door. You turned the blower off and opened the door, revealing the man that occupied your head the whole damn day.

"You're home." you said as you looked at him, it felt like your world lit up.

It was like the whole scene before you was a bright light and the center of it all was Satoru.

"Were you waiting for me?" he asked you and gave you a smile.

"Stop smiling." you said as you went back to your vanity table, Satoru then followed you inside and closed the door.

"Why?"

Because he's making your heart crazy? Because that smile was giving you all sorts of feelings that you feel like falling on your knees? That's why, why did he even ask?

He snatched the blower from your hand and dried your hair himself. You looked at him through the mirror as he combed your hair.

Is he done not talking to you? Is he back to his old self?

"So... you're not avoiding me anymore?" you asked and a simple nod was his answer.

"Satoru." you called his name. He hummed and looked at you in the mirror. "Are you really sorry?"

"For what?"

"For kissing me."

He stopped combing your hair. He turned the blower off and you turned to him, you looked up and you saw him staring at your face.

"I really want to because it's wrong." he answered you, "But I'm not."

He moved his hand to cup your face, thumb caressing your cheeks as he looked straight to your eyes. "Is it bad?"

"I want you to do that again. Is it bad?" you returned the question. He just stared at you with his ocean blue eyes, calculating every little move your face makes.

Memorizing every feature on your gorgeous face so that when he closes his eyes as he kisses you, he'd see your face.

"Satoru-"

He bent down and pressed his lips against yours. You smiled in his mouth as you closed your eyes, hooking your arms on his nape as you stood up.

His other hand held your waist and pulled you closer to him, deepening the kiss that you both shared.

You suddenly felt all your nerves, some fussy things were moving inside your stomach and your heart was racing as if it was in a competition.

Satoru bit and sucked your lips into his mouth causing you to heave a bit, making it possible for him to delve his tongue inside your mouth.

His other hand went from your cheeks to your hair, gripping the strands in between his fingers.

You're supposed to feel guilty but all you feel is your happiness filling inside your heart. You had never felt so charged, so energetic.

It felt like your battery was empty for a long time then this happened.

Satoru knows that doing this means that he's letting himself fall in deep and he knows that nothing, not even your parents can keep him away from you now.

"We're going, come on." Satoru said as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder to guide you.

Still dazed, you swatted his arm and tried to walk yourself, "I can walk."

"You can't." he insisted, you just let him touch you. Just for tonight.

You'll let him touch you. You'll let yourself be close to him again even if it's just for tonight.

"Okay." you mumbled as you leaned on him. You held on tight to him because after tonight, you'll let go of him.

You'll move on. You don't know how the hell you would do that but you'll figure it out.

You were unaware of your surroundings because you were with Satoru, all you know is that he talked to Yuna about something and now you are both walking to his car.

He opened the passenger's seat and supported your head as you entered his car. He bent down to fasten your seatbelt and all you did was to look at his face the entire time.

Disregarding the fact that it wasn't going any differently like the last time— though, you didn't ask him any questions now.

Satoru looked at your face once he was finished, he gave you a smile before closing the door on your side.

He sat on the driver's seat and was about to put his seatbelt on when you held his hand. "Satoru. Gojo Satoru."

"Hmm?" he turned his head to you, you gave him a smile as you cupped his cheeks, he held your hand that was on his face.

"You know..." you started, "You look like someone."

Satoru frowned for a bit but then he asked you, "Who?"

"The man that I love." you said as you pulled your hand away from his face as you lean your back on your seat, closing your eyes. "But he's gone."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know." you chuckled as you wiped your tears, "He just went on living as if I wasn't a part of his life, you know? What a jerk, right?"

Satoru just listened to you, impervious to the fact that you are pertaining to him.

"But I miss him so much," tears began to fall one by one until it wasn't unstoppable, "I miss him, Satoru. Can you bring him back? Please? Bring him back to me."

"What are you doing?!" you asked Satoru with your wide eyes when he just hopped in the shower with you. "Our parents-"

It has been a few weeks since that kiss you shared and it was agreed that you are in a relationship with him, just like that.

And since then it was hard to keep your hands off each other. It was hard though, the sneaking and the hiding.

As much as you want to sleep in the same room and just embrace each other all night, you live with your mom and his dad. Sometimes, he would sneak out of his room and go to yours and he would wake up before your parents did to go back to his.

You both admit it, your situation is kind of exhausting and risky.

But you both felt nothing but excitement and happiness. You have never felt this happy ever since your father left. It was a bit sad though that you cannot flaunt to everyone how happy you are.

However, you thought, it doesn't matter if they know or not. What's important is that you and Satoru knew.

It's your precious moments together that's important. You know that it's only yours and you both get to keep that memories close to your heart.

"They went to work already." He gave you a mischievous grin as he wrapped his arms around your bare waist and rested his chin on your head.

You just let him be as you both let the water fall on your bodies.

You close your eyes as you feel Satoru touch your body with his hands, as you feel his lips kiss your face down to your neck. You feel every little bit of spark as the tip of his fingers came in touch with your skin.

You turned around to face him.

You wrapped your arms around his shoulder and was about to kiss him but then you heard a knock on the bathroom door along with the voice of your mother.

You pushed Satoru and gestured to him to keep his mouth shut.

"Mom?!" you said a bit loudly, "I'm taking a bath!"

"I forgot my makeup bag there. Can you hand it to me?" you heard her. You looked at the sink and you saw her purse.

Shit.

"Hide behind the curtain." you whispered and he just nodded at you.

You wrapped the towel around your body and got the purse, you opened the door slightly— enough to hand the purse to your mother.

"Here you go." you were about to close the door when she stopped you.

You feel like your body is shaking. Nervousness was flowing all through your veins.

"Did Satoru leave already? His car's still here."

"Huh? I don't know, why would you ask me? I'm taking a bath here." you said continuously with a hint of being defensive, you just hope that your mother wouldn't sense it. "Maybe he went out for a while. I don't know."

Your mother just nodded and then you closed the door, you leaned on it and exhaled in relief. You look at Satoru who was covering his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

You glared at him but then that glare turned into a silent laugh as you joined him in the shower again.

He was about to kiss you but then you stopped him, he pouted. "Why?"

"We need to get going. We still have classes, you know?"

"We don't need to attend though." he chuckled, you just rolled your eyes at him, "I'm just kidding."

...

"Do you think they're wondering where we are?" you ask Satoru while your fingers are interlocked as you walk side by side at the beach.

In your free hands were your shoes', you just felt the sand on your feet and the mini waves that were thumping on your legs. It was refreshing, looking at the extensive body of water made you feel free.

And it was special because you are with Satoru.

"No. We go home late anyways sometimes." he answered, "Just tell them you had something at your organization then I had an extra class."

You just smiled and nodded at him. Your classes actually ended two hours ago but then Satoru wanted to take you out on a date to the beach. It was a bit far because you had to drive out from the city.

You liked staring out at the sea because it reminded you of Satoru's eyes. Just like his eyes, the sea was calming.

Looking at his irises always gives you the sanctuary and assurance that you need whenever you are feeling overwrought.

You both sat on the sand as you looked at the sea. Well, you were but then Satoru points out the guy that stumbled on the sand and now you are both laughing.

"Stop it." you said and tried with all your might to stop laughing, "You know that's not nice."

"Then why are you laughing with me?"

You snorted and lightly smacked him in the shoulder, "Because he fell, stupid ass."

You just looked at each other as you laughed your ass off. You stopped when you noticed that Satoru was just looking at you with a smile on his face, "What?"

"I'm capturing your laugh in my mind," he said as he point his temple. "I'm making a film here."

"Huh?" you said with a confused tone and face.

"I'm making a film about you in my mind. So that when I want to see it, I can just wind it back to the beginning."

You let out a wide smile, "Oh, so that's a fancy way for you to say that you are engraving me in your memories? Is that it?"

Satoru just gave you a nod and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you close to lean on him. You felt him kiss your hair. "I love you."

You felt like your whole body shook up. Did he just say that he loves you?

You turned your head to look at his face, "What did you just say?"

"I'm saying I love y-"

You didn't let him finish and just turned your body around to kiss him, you both laughed when he fell onto his back in the sand. You cup his face as you savor every touch that your lips were making.

You didn't need to say it back because he wasn't asking you, he was telling you— and this kiss, it was enough for him to know that you feel the same.

You didn't care about other people whether they were looking at the two of you or not. You had your own little world with him.

"You have sand on your hair." you said as you pulled away. And being the menace that he is, he got a handful and put it in your hair.

"Now you have too."

"Satoru!"

...

"I was looking for you." you closed your book and looked up at your boyfriend, "Your blockmate says you like reading here."

You just nodded, you both leaned on the tree. "You know this is a nice make out spot."

You look at him with wide eyes, "Satoru! We're on campus."

"So? They can't see us, the big tree is covering us."

"Stop it." you said as you read your book again. Satoru got your book and held your chin in between his fingers. He pressed his lips into yours as he held the book up to your faces to cover it.

"There. I told you no one would see." he said as he winked at you.

"You're insane." you said as you looked around. No one seemed to look at you two, the students had their own life.

"I know, right?" he said and chuckled. You just shook your head and continued reading with a smile on your face, all the while, Satoru was just leaning on your shoulders.

"We saw that." You and Satoru both looked at the people who were standing in front of you. The woman sat beside you, "I'm Shoko and that idiot there is Suguru."

"You're the idiot, idiot. " You suppressed your laugh because they looked cute and friendly. Suguru scratched his head, "I told her that we should leave you two alone."

"Then why didn't you?" Satoru said, you just nudged his shoulder because he sounded rude when the two of them are just being nice, though, they watched you two kiss so..

"What? I just wanted to befriend them, they look cute together." Shoko made a face to Suguru and then turned to you, "So, what's your name?"

Satoru just stared at you as you cried your eyes out inside his car. You covered your face with your hands as you sob. He didn't know what else to do but what bothers him the most is that he was hurting too.

He doesn't even know you and you barely talk to him but seeing you like this hurts the hell out of him.

"I.." he sighed, "I don't know what to do. Can I do some-"

"Just take me home." you said as you wiped your tears, "Please."

He just looked at you with a glint of concern in his eyes and started to drive away. You just stared outside the window— not even sparing him a single glance because you know that once you do, you'll start breaking down again.

The car ride to your home was silent. The gloomy atmosphere filled the space and naturally, Satoru would want to lift up your spirits but something tells him that he should leave you alone.

He doesn't get it, why does it hurt like this? Why is he hurting too much?

He didn't know that he cares about you like this.

"Can you manage going inside? I need to go back for Yuna-"

You removed your seatbelt and opened the car door yourself, slamming it once you got outside. Leaving Satoru in there as you go inside alone.

That's right, he has Yuna now. You're nothing to him now, you were just simply his stepsister.

Months have passed and Satoru and Yuna are you don't know, getting serious? You weren't driving to school with him just like before.

He wasn't taking you out on dates, he takes Yuna. Of course, she's his girlfriend. What do you expect when you pushed them?

And you are doing all your might to move on from him. Sometimes you are just wishing that there's a on and off button when you fall in love with someone so that you can just turn your feelings off for Satoru or you wish that you are still dreaming.

You try sleeping it off every time to see if you'd wake up from this absurd dream that's why you are asleep most of the time but to no avail, this is really happening.

You have to push through this pain. You can't even open it up to your friends because who would believe that you travel back to time?

"Satoru, why don't you invite your girlfriend for dinner tomorrow?" your mother said and looked at Satoru across the dining table.

You gripped your utensils, why, why did your mother have to say that? Why are they inflicting pain on you even more?

Though you can't blame them because they don't know.

"Yes, that's a nice idea. Let's meet her." His father added.

You just looked down and continued on eating, you can't look to any of them because you know you'd fall apart.

"I'll tell her." Satoru answered and that's when you dropped your utensils, they looked at you.

You stood up and picked your plate up, "I'm finished."

You didn't let them say anything and went to the sink to put your plate down and after that you locked yourself up in your room.

Each and everyday just gets harder for you. Sometimes you just want to run away but where would you go?

"Did you read all of this already?" Satoru asked as he look at your bookshelf, you just hummed at him because you were busy reading a book. "How did you get into reading anyways?"

"My father is a teacher." you answered.

Satoru just looked around until he noticed your book. His eyes squinted as he got that from your shelves, "Oh. This isn't a book."

You looked at him and immediately stood up but it's too late because he already opened it, you forgot to put a lock on it. Shit.

"You smoke?" you noticed a bit of disapproval in his voice. You nodded as you walk towards him.

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Yeah." He answered, "I don't like it. I mean- I just don't."

You sensed the change around his atmosphere. It feels like he was bothered and disgruntled? You closed the book that you are currently reading and walked towards him. "Why...?"

"That thing kills, you know? Aren't you afraid to have some kind of disease because of that?" Satoru answered a bit uneasy, "I just don't want to lose you. What if you got sick?"

You were a bit surprised when you saw tears cascading down on the side of his eyes.

"Hey. Hey." You soothed him, you pulled him to sit in your bed, "It's okay. You are not going to lose me, okay? I'll throw it out. I promise."

He pulled you down to sit on his lap, he buried his face on your neck and tighten his grasp on your waist. You just kiss and caress his hair until he calms down a bit.

"My mom died of lung cancer." he whispered while his face are still buried on your neck.

You just sighed and tapped his back gently. He didn't need to explain anything any further, you understood him and you know that this is a serious matter for him.

"Okay. I won't smoke anymore. I promise."

...

"Baby, wake up." you whispered and poked Satoru's cheek. He sneaked inside your room again and he needs to wake up now because your mom will wake up any time now.

Not that she's checking both your rooms but what if she did? You just can't risk getting caught.

Satoru just groaned and tightened his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

"I don't want to let go of you." He whispered, you chuckled and gave him a peck on his lips.

"You'll see me later. You need to go back to your room now."

Your set up has been like this for a year now. You don't even know how you both managed to keep this a secret for a twelve months.

And that reminds you, this day marks your one year together.

He whined for a bit like a child but then he sat down on your bed. You just laughed at his face because he looked so down. "You always see me anyways. Aren't you getting tired of my face?"

Satoru clicked his tongue and cupped your face, "This face? Why would I get tired of my pretty baby's face?"

You giggled when he kiss your face all over and finally on your lips. "I love you. See you later."

Satoru silently slipped out of your room and went to his as you laid back down on your bed. It feels weird, not having him in your bed. It felt empty.

But you can't do anything about it. You know your mother wouldn't like this because you're supposed to be family.

But what can you do when he's the one who only made you feel like this?

You woke up before Satoru and went down on the living room once you finished taking a bath and fixed yourself. It was your last day on the uni before your summer break and your mom and Satoru's dad's wedding is getting near as well.

They have been living in your house for nearly two years now. You were happy for your mother but when you think about their wedding day coming— you feel this hurt in your chest.

Because you know they'll never accept your relationship but you don't want to ruin your mother's happiness.

You don't want to hide it but you are afraid of what's going to happen once they knew.

You don't want to leave Satoru either.

You sighed, you don't want to keep thinking about it. For now, you'll just go with whatever happens.

Once you got down, you saw your mother cooking breakfast and Satoru's dad drinking his coffee while he read some news. They looked at you and smiled, then there's your guilt creeping up on you.

"Good morning, darling." Your mother greeted.

"Morning." you simply said.

You just got yourself some coffee and decided to drink it on the front porch because you don't want to see their faces. There's the fear of thinking that they may know something. You were uneasy most of the time and Satoru constantly reminds you that they don't know about you two.

"Hey." You jumped a bit when you heard your boyfriend's voice behind you. You turned around and chuckled when you saw how messy his hair is, he's wearing his black baggy sweater that exposes his collarbone. "Good morning, baby."

As much as he want to hug you from behind and shower you with his kisses, he stopped himself. If only he could, you know he would never let go of you.

"You look sexy in that." you remarked.

"Yeah. I know." He said with a confidence and snatched your cup from you.

"Get your own." you said as you snatched it back again, "Mom might see us."

"They won't. They're in the kitchen and I'm too lazy to get my own."

You shook your head and gave him your coffee, "Drink it fast and get ready, I don't want to be late on our last day."

"Okay, boss." He answered, you turned around to enter your house but then Satoru called your name. You hummed and looked at him, "Happy anniversary, baby."

You just smiled at him and went inside. One year, it seems like yesterday you didn't want him in your house but now, you are celebrating your one year anniversary with him.

Life is really unpredictable, huh.

...

"Where are you going again?"

"It's at Ieiri's family lake house." You tell your mother, "Don't worry about me, Satoru's there anyways."

You told your mother that you and your circle of friends are having a weekend getaway at Ieiri's lake house because it was summer already. You need some excuse so that you and Satoru can celebrate your anniversary which was yesterday and luckily your friends are supportive.

You also told your parents that the people consists of ten to fifteen people so it wouldn't be suspicious but the truth is it's just you, Satoru, Ieiri and Suguru.

You didn't want to lie but you really have no choice.

"Let's go?" you turned to Satoru and nodded.

Your mother kissed your cheek, "Okay. Take care, don't drink too much. I know there will be drinking so.." she turned to Satoru, "Look out for your sister, okay?"

You cringed a lot to yourself when you heard the word 'sister'. It weirded you out because you know, you and Satoru are having sex and that's not what step-siblings do.

Satoru noticed your face and snorted a bit but then he gave your mother a smile, "I will."

Not long, you heard some car honk outside, you both went outside and you saw Ieiri leaning on the campervan. "Hey, let's go."

You excitedly went inside with Ieiri and saw Suguru on the driver's seat, he smiled at you. "Hey. Where's Satoru?"

Before you could even answer, Satoru went inside. "Hey, ugly face."

"Hey, monkey face." Suguru teased Satoru, you just rolled your eyes and sat beside Ieiri.

"Your mom bought your excuse?" she asked as she open a bottle of beer for you and for her, you nodded as you reach the can.

"Thank you for doing this." You said, Ieiri just gave you a smile and placed her arm around your shoulder.

"Of course! That's what friends are for."

The road trip to the lake house were fun as usual. It is never boring with the four of you. There's always Satoru and Suguru teasing each other or sometimes its Shoko and Suguru then you and Satoru.

It's basically just you making fun of each other.

"I don't get it. How could you stand Satoru when he's being annoying like this?" Ieiri told you as she glare at your boyfriend.

"Oh. You don't know how annoyed at him at the beginning. I just want to punch his face sometimes, you know?" you added, earning a laugh from Suguru and Ieiri.

"Hey!" Satoru exclaimed, he looked at you for a bit at the rear-view mirror because it was his turn to drive. "You're being mean to me."

...

When you arrived at the lake house, Suguru and Ieiri decided to take a nap on their respective rooms while you and Satoru decided to look around.

You were left with awe once you arrived, it was a two storey window lake house with prow front and a rustic design inside. It was enormous and utterly beautiful, it was the perfect place for you and Satoru to celebrate your first ever anniversary.

"You know I have always wanted a big house like this." you said as you sat on the front porch with him, "So that I could have my own library."

"Okay."

Your brows furrowed and looked at Satoru, "What okay?"

"Okay, I'll build you a big house with your own big library. Then I'll buy you all the books in this world. Read all of them, anytime you want."

"Really?"

"Really."

You smiled and leaned your head on his shoulders. You looked at the lake and started thinking about your future with Satoru. You pictured getting married, buying or as Satoru said, building a big house and having kids.

You wanted all that with him but there's still the thought of your parents finding out. The life with Satoru seemed far-fetched when you two are hiding the beautiful relationship that you have.

"Do you see me in your future?"

You heard Satoru chuckled, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. "Baby, I already planned everything out in my mind. I even know what our kids names will be."

"You mean child. I only want one."

"But I want ten."

"Excuse me?!" you exclaimed, you looked at him and you saw that mischievous grin on his face, "Okay, maybe two but ten? Do you think my uterus is some kind of baby factory or whatever?"

You know he was just kidding but you like to ride on his stupid jokes because you two click just like that.

"How about eight?"

"No."

"Six?"

"No."

"Hmm. We'll see."

You just want to dig a hole, get inside and bury yourself there.

That's all you wanted to do as you hear your mother tell Yuna how beautiful she is. How she and Satoru were so cute together.

You just want to yell, oh my god, we get it. They're cute, why don't you marry them yourself if you like them together so much.

But you kept your mouth shut. You are just listening on from the kitchen, the plan is to get water and go back to your room immediately but you can't stop yourself from listening to their conversation.

"You'll go to our engagement party, okay?" your mother invited Yuna. Great, they said that was for family only. So, is she? Part of your family?

You took a deep breath just to ease the pain building inside your chest. So, just get out of there and go to your room.

But you must like to inflict obliterating pain on yourself. You saw how Satoru's eyes sparkle when he's with Yuna. You saw how he can't keep his eyes off her.

Is he making a film about Yuna on his mind too? Maybe. Yuna's the star on the film that he's making now and you're a mere side character.

A side character who was essential to get them together but still, your role was just in the beginning and you were set aside like you were nothing when you were Satoru's whole world back then.

"Oh." Satoru said with a love-struck look in his face. You swear you can almost see some heart coming out of his eyes as he look at you with his loving look.

You smiled and turned your body to give him a full look on your dress, "Pretty, right?"

"Baby, you are.." he walked towards you and checked you out again, "I don't know. Gorgeous, alluring, ravishing, captivating, lovely, striking, magnificent-"

"Okay, Satoru." you pressed your index finger on his lips to stop him from saying every word on the dictionary, you noticed some of the saleslady chuckling and cooing at you two. "I get it, babe. Thank you."

Satoru just kissed the side of your head, "You can't blame because you look really beautiful."

You are dress shopping with Satoru for your mother and his fathers' engagement party, you were supposed to go alone but you know Satoru, he would want to be with you every chance he get.

But you aren't complaining, because you also want to be with him every minute of every day.

...

"Dance with me." Satoru whispered to your ear.

If you could, you would. But you know they might get suspicious if they see you that close to each other. No, scratch suspicious— they would know about you two.

But you had to admit it, you also wanted to get on the dance floor and slow dance with Satoru just like your mom and his dad or the other guests.

"Satoru." You sighed and looked at him, "You know we can't."

"Okay, what if we get out of here? We'll come back."

"We'll leave the party just so we could dance with each other?" you paused, Satoru looked at you waiting for your answer, "Yeah. Okay."

You both giggled and you looked around first before subtly slipping out of the party, once you went out of the event hall, Satoru held your hand and dragged you to the event's place garden.

"Milady." Satoru said as he laid his hand for you, you let out a smile as you held his hand. Satoru spun you around then he held your waist once you face him.

You held into his shoulders as you both dance to the faint music from the event hall. It wasn't that far from the garden, so the music that was playing was enough for the two of you to hear.

You then changed your positions and now you're just embracing each other as you sway your bodies. You just close your eyes as you lean your head on his chest, smiling as you listen to him whisper sweet things to you.

"Satoru."

"Hmm?"

"What if we run away? Then we wouldn't have to hide. We wouldn't sneak out. You don't have to wake up early, you could stay with me in bed or maybe even we could stay in bed all day."

"I'd like that."

You know Satoru, he would do everything for you. He would defy anything for you. You know him and that means, he knows you too.

He knows that you couldn't do that even if you wanted to. He knows that you'll worry about everything.

And he is right. You feel like you were betraying your mother, he knows you feel guilty about keeping this to her. He knows that you couldn't live with the burdened feeling of leaving your mother.

You looked up to him, "Then where would we go?"

"Anywhere you like, my love."

You gave him a smile and hooked your arms around his neck, you tiptoed to reach his face and once you did, you closed your eyes and pressed your lips together.

You kissed Satoru like it was your last, you savored every moment. You felt every reactions that your bodies were making. You felt the rush, the heat— you felt like all of the happiness in the world was being poured at this moment.

But that's the problem of feeling this emotion, you can feel it anytime but you don't know when would it be taken from you. Your happiness at this moment was fleeting and it was exchanged with fear.

"Satoru."

You both looked at the person who spoke. It was his father, together with your mother who was looking at you with her surprised eyes.

"Mom.." you stuttered, you pulled away from Satoru. She just looked at you with clear hurt and disappointment in her eyes. You know it's the worst, when she isn't saying anything.

You walked towards her and held her hand, "Mom. Listen-"

You were stunned when she strike your face with the palm of her hand. Satoru's eyes widen at the sudden violence, he didn't waste any time and pulled you close to him. Your mother looked at the two of you with disbelief.

"How could you do this? I thought you were supportive of me? But you were sabotaging me the whole time."

You know yourself that it wasn't your intention to sabotage her. You were just in love.

"It's not like that- I wasn't.. Please."

She just took a deep breath and went back inside. You covered your face with your hands as you sob. Satoru embraced you in his arms and just let you cry.

Satoru's dad gave the two of you a glance before going after your mother. He was surprised but he didn't feel any anger. In fact, he was a bit happy that he get to see his son this happy. So young and in love— though he thought, it was unfortunate that it was you who he fell in love with.

Five, was it?

No, you think it was a countless glasses of champagne to make you this light-headed and a bit out of yourself. You aren't planning on getting drunk on your mother's engagement party but seeing Satoru dance with Yuna on the dance floor, just ruins your mood.

That was supposed to be you, you thought.

Funny, they get to do what you two can't do then. You were just tapping the table as you watch the bubbles on your champagne. You don't know where would you turn your attention to so you just did that.

You know how would this harrowing event end but then, you changed it, right? This night would end differently unlike the one from the past.

You frowned when Satoru walked towards you and Yuna went you don't know where. "Hey."

"Hey!" you said a bit loud and cheerful, so you snickered, "Where's your girlfriend heading to?"

"Bathroom." He sat beside you, "Are you okay? You're getting a bit drunk.. you know that's enough."

"I'm fine! Now, tell me about Yuna. She's nice, huh?" you rested your elbows on the table and looked intently at Satoru who was now frowning at you.

"Yeah. She's great."

"Nice! So... are you going to marry her?" you laughed as you wipe the tears that was already flooding your eyes.

Satoru looked around, some of the guests were looking at you now since your laugh wasn't that hard to ignore. He sighed as he stand up, he's always looking out for you whenever you are drunk and he doesn't know why he keeps on doing that.

You always concern him when you are like this.

He doesn't know if you had a problem with or what but he noticed that you only talk to him when you are drunk, he knows you are avoiding him when you are sober. There are times that he tries to make conversation with you but you always answer him with only a one word.

The last longest talk you had was after Hana's party and that was months ago.

And, you were drunk then.

Like you are now.

"Let's get you out of here." He said, "Before your mother sees you like this. Please?"

You sighed and nodded at him. You stood up and he tried to support you but you swatted his hand away, if you let him touch you then you know you won't keep away from him.

You tried so hard for months not to make contact with him and you wouldn't let yourself now.

He just followed you until you reached the garden, you laughed when you remembered what happened here.

"Satoru." you said, "Remember what happened here?"

"No. I don't. What are you saying?"

That's right, you sighed and shook your head. "Nothing. I'm talking shit. Don't mind me."

You looked at him. You need to fight it. You need to stop yourself from touching him.

But you miss him so much, you miss him so much that it ruins you.

But fuck it, he isn't in love with you now so you aren't breaking any rules from that white freaking book from some kind of magical creature you don't even know.

You walked towards Satoru and wrapped your arms around his waist, you rested your head on his chest. "I miss you."

Satoru thought you were talking about the man that you love that looks like him, which is really him though he isn't aware, so he let you.

You were always devastated. You don't talk to him but he observes you every now and then, he have always noticed how dreary you look. You radiate that kind of energy that he can feel your pain too.

"I miss you, Satoru." you whispered but enough for him to hear. "I miss you so freaking much. I miss being close to you like this."

"I'm.." he paused, "I'm not him. I'm not the man that you are talking about, right?"

He's not him.. you felt like something woke up inside you once you heard him say that.

You pulled away from him and you nodded.

It was like you are waking up slowly.

He's right. He is Satoru but he isn't your Satoru.

Your Satoru always looked at you with gleam in his eyes. He always looked at you and touched you like you were the most precious and fragile thing in this whole world.

He treated you like you were his whole universe. You know that even from his last breath.

Your Satoru died already, he's not him.

"You're right." you answered, "You aren't him."

You calmed yourself down and told Satoru that you are going to talk to your mother, so you left him on the garden and followed your mother inside, she isn't on the events hall so you figured that she was on the dressing room.

You knocked before you open the door and you were right, she was sitting on the chair while talking to someone on the phone.

"Mom.." she looked at you and dropped the call, "Let's talk, please."

"There's nothing to talk about. You and Satoru can't happen. I'm sending you to your aunt out of the country-"

You stopped her. She can't do that. You aren't a child that she could just send somewhere she like. You are an adult who is capable of making decisions.

"Mom, no! Please, would you just listen to me?!" you pleaded. "Just listen, please."

"It's done. You can't change my mind-"

You took a deep breath as you leave the room, shutting the door behind you. If she won't listen then you wouldn't have any choice but to do what you're thinking, right?

You ran to the garden and you saw Satoru waiting for you, you smiled and laid your hand for him. "What happened?"

"Hold my hand." you said, and once he did— you squeezed it, "We're running away. Okay?"

Satoru frowned, "What?"

"Just... please. Let's get away from here."

You don't know how all of this is happening. All you know is that you are now on the passenger's seat of his Satoru's car as he drive to somewhere you don't know.

You were just looking outside and Satoru is looking at you every now and then with a worried look in his face.

"Satoru.. I can't. I can't hurt my mom." You looked at him, tears cascading from your eyes.

"Do you want to go back?"

It was entirely up to you. Satoru would do everything you ask of him.

But if you go back then you'd be far away from him.

So, do you want to go back?

"No... I don't. Just drive."

Why does it have to be like this? You just loved. Is this the cost of being happy?

"Are you sure?" Satoru asked one more time. You wiped your tears and smiled at him, you are very sure.

You want to be with him. That is all you want.

"I'm sure. Okay? So, just get us far away from here. Get us to some place that we wouldn't need to hide. That we can be just us."

Satoru looked at you and smiled, "Okay, boss."

You both chuckled and looked ahead but then your smile faded.

All of it happened too fast.

Lights.

Sirens.

You heard all sorts of noises and all you wanted is for them to shut up so you could rest peacefully. You had never felt this kind of weight on your body and all you wanted was to rest.

You closed your eyes for a bit and all of the noise faded, when you opened them the first person you saw was your mother.

You saw how happy she looked, she immediately stood up and called someone. Your mind was a bit hazy, you tried looking around and he was nowhere to be found.

Satoru... where is he?

"Mom." You called for her, she held your hand and cupped your face, "Satoru.. where is Satoru?"

Your mother sighed and kissed your forehead, "He's right there, honey."

You looked at where she pointed at, there was some glass door dividing the room, you can see him as he sleep peacefully.

You felt relieved, you are both fine.

Some doctors checked you out and did some tests on you to see if you were alright. You just stared at Satoru as you wait for him to wake up.

The doctors said that he might take longer to wake up than you because his injuries were far more extensive.

But he would wake up, you know that.

So, you would just sleep on your side— facing Satoru, watching him every second as you wait for him to open his eyes. You wanted to stand up to hold him but you still can't. So, all you can do was stare at him.

You lost track of how long you were watching him.

It has been two or three days? You are doing your physical therapy today, Ieiri and Suguru visited the both of you but he isn't waking up yet.

"Baby." you whispered as you look at him, "Wake up. Please?"

...

"I can't! I can't do this!" you cried out, "Please. I can't. Mom, it hurts."

"You can do it, honey. You just need to- okay, what would Satoru say if he's awake? He would say that you can do it. He would tell you not to give up, right?"

Your physical therapy was excruciating and exhausting. It made you feel like you are in a bottom pit and no matter what you can't pull yourself up.

But what gets you through is Satoru because he'll wake up. He is your strength and you know that he won't let you give up.

So you pushed through— you need to get through this so when he wakes up, you'll be there to help him when it's his turn to do this.

The days turns into weeks. You could stand up on your own now and you are almost done with your physical therapy— sooner you would be sent home but how could you go home without Satoru?

You held his hand, "Satoru. I swear if you don't wake up."

You sighed and caressed his face, outlining every bit of his features using your fingers, "I miss you. Please, wake up."

You never left Satoru's side. You were about to nod off but then you heard the doctor went inside his room. You stood up along with your mother and Satoru's father, you frowned when you saw the doctor's face.

"Mr. and Mrs. Gojo, I know this is a very hard time for you but this is the time that we ask you about his health care directives— you should decide to take him to long-term care facilities or take him off the ventilator-"

"What?" you said, "No. We're not taking him off. We aren't pulling the plug or anything. He's going to wake up."

It was automatic that you felt scared when you heard them say that. There's no way that you are giving up. You wouldn't give up on him because you know that if you are the one on his shoes, he wouldn't give up on you too.

"Honey. They're just saying our choices." your mother calmed you.

You sighed and sat back down to the chair beside his bed and held his hand. "Satoru, get your stupid ass up."

Your tears fell one by one as you rest your forehead on his bed while you hold his hand.

This is so unfair, you cannot lose him.

He can't do this to you.

You pulled your head up when you felt him squeeze your hand, it wasn't strong but you felt it. "Satoru?"

"Hey." Your eyes widen as your lips formed a wide smile, he cleared his throat and slowly opened his eyes, "My stupid ass is up."

...

"The food here is shit." Satoru whispered to you causing for you to chuckle. "Why would they give us this shit?"

You snorted, "You have no choice because this shitty food is only the one you could eat."

You were so happy. After weeks, you never lost hope that Satoru would wake up and he did. He was so energetic and talkative like he was before.

You would talk and laugh with him like the usual thing you both did.

"Tell me what you want to eat and I'll buy you that once you're allowed to eat something from outside." you said.

Satoru hummed as he thought about it carefully, "Anything sweet will do."

You assented, "Okay. I will get you all of it."

You get what you both wanted to do, to fall asleep in each other's arm and now he doesn't need to sneak out or something. It's just a bit unfortunate that it had to be in a hospital bed but at least you two were together.

You looked at him as you play with his hair, you both are turned to your side— facing each other.

"Okay, I've reached a decision." you tell him.

"Hmm?"

"Three. But that's it. No more."

Satoru pouted, "You really won't consider five?"

"I told you my uterus isn't a baby factory!"

Satoru chuckled and tightened his arm on your waist, "Okay. Fine. You win."

"Okay. There's no take-backs. I win. Three it is." You said as you giggle but then your brows furrowed when you noticed how pale he looked. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. You're here. I'm alright." he mumbled. "I'm more than alright."

"Are you sure? I'll call a doctor-"

"No. Just stay here, okay? I need you here." you nodded but you were really getting worried. He looked like his energy was being sucked slowly out of him, you can feel his hold on you gets detached slowly.

"Satoru, please. Just let me call-"

He cupped your cheeks and gave you a faint smile. "You know I love you so much. So much."

You bit your lip, your eyes are welling up and you don't like any of this. You aren't getting a good feeling about this.

"I know that." You closed your eyes and pressed your lips into his. "You know I do too. I love you so much."

He just hummed. "I know, baby."

"Satoru." you said his name, "Don't… please."

"I'm getting tired. Can I close my eyes?"

Is this what they say? The calm before the storm? The surge before death?

Is this it?

He was fine. He woke up and he laughed with you, he was making his usual stupid jokes.

Your tears began to fall. You pulled him close to you and laid his head on your arms as you plant a kiss on his hair, "Alright.. you can rest."

"You aren't him." you repeated, "I know because he died right here in my arms. So, it's impossible because the man that who loves me is already dead."

Maybe it's time that you let go. You are in a dream that was designed for you to get hurt and in order for you to wake up, you have to accept that Satoru's gone.

You know that this dream was made for you to see that you should lose hope because Satoru would never come back.

He wouldn't come back to you.

No matter what.

He wouldn't.

Satoru smiled at you, he walked towards you and held your face. "It's time for you to wake up."

You smiled and you nodded, it's time for you to start accepting that he's gone.

He leaned his face closer to yours— you both closed your eyes and he pressed his lips on yours.

You opened your eyes.

You are back on your bed, you looked around and you saw the unbearable surroundings. You stared at the ceiling.

So, it was all a dream. He didn't come back and you didn't travel two years back. You knew it, Satoru would never hurt you like that. He wouldn't love anyone beside you so you knew it was a dream.

You can hear that continuous sound but you closed your eyes and just held him close to you. The nurses and the doctors rushed inside but they stopped when they saw you.

They turned off the monitor so that you can have peace with him.

You felt someone touch your back, you turned your head and saw your mother and his father, "He's not going to wake up now, is he?"

"I'm sorry, honey."

You just closed your eyes and caressed his soft ivory hair. They left you alone as you hold Satoru close to you.

"It's okay." you whispered, "I'm here, Satoru. You can rest all you want and I'll just hold you."

It was faint but you could hear them say it, that's when you let out your tumultuous cries because it felt real.

Satoru is gone and he wouldn't come back.

"Time of death, 23:45."

[biillys]

How do you make your song GIFs?? They are amazing and 10/10 - I have so many ideas but literally no idea how to even start making them

Also all your content is amazing thank youuuuuu

hello ily i am sorry for the late reply but i was like. in love with this msg and re-reading it to make me feel inner joy ���

okay i feel like lyric sets are my WEAKEST point of like. making shit. (hence the JOY in reading this msg) but like, i will TRY and remember and tell u what helped me!!

first off all. have IDEAS! which u have, so that's literally amazing and basically the KEY to what u need. just some good solid fucking ideas.

have decided to actually make another lyric set as i type this to jog my memory and hopefully actually help you okay so

1. have your idea!

pick your song!!! pick out the specific lyric(s) that you feel would fit best!!! float through the scenes in your head from the show that you feel would maybe like. match it? or pair well with those lyrics? just like, have an idea that you can VAGUELY visualise!!!

i think i've mentioned it before and talked about it with other lovely billy stans but, sometimes we hear a happy/hopeful song that we wanna slap over some shots of them but like. billy's constantly either in pain or suffering or BOTH? and slapping some tswift lyrics over that just doesn't really work a lot :(

im personally gonna go with almost had me - Iights cos i've been vibing the fuck out of Iights lately

2. pick your scenes!

this is the bit where i either come completely undone and contemplate uninstalling photoshop OR i'm like wow this fits perfectly this is gonna be incredible i'm amazing.

depending on how technical and/or complicated your Vision is, this can be relatively quick or it can be very time consuming. some very talented people out there can do like. the blending and the insane crazy good colouring and the 5 gifs in one canvas etc etc but like. maybe keep it simple for the first couple sets you make until you're happy with your results!!!! just some big gifs with some lyrics over top will look great!!!

i'm technically only gonna use 4 lines from the chorus, not the entire thing, but i'm gonna import like. more than 4 gifs. becos i know myself and sometimes at the end after i've been staring at them for a Very Long Time, i'm like well shit i wanna see what it would look like over THAT scene instead of THIS scene. so usually i import just any scene that i think will work and that way i can play around with it!!

3. cut/colour/sharpen/edit your gifs!!!

i'm assuming that since your asking about lyric sets specifically and not gifs in general, that you already know how to make gifs? if you don't, that's completely okay!!!! there are so so SO many tutorials out there and lots of people willing to help you learn!! between tumblr and youtube, you have a LOT of options <3 i am more than happy to answer any questions you have or make that tutorial for you and technically have a tutorial basically ready to go that i made for a friend a few months ago, but also. as we can see. my tutorials are all over the place, so if you want links to tutorials that are more in depth, i can definitely hunt some down for you!!! here is Gif Making Tutorial but i personally do not do it that way and it seems mildly complicated omg

4. slap those lyrics over top!

okay the heading made it sound simple but it's NOT. becos now, you have to choose FONTS. and fonts, in my personal opinion, are SO hard. literally my weakest point. the amount of lyric sets i have not made simply becos i did not want to deal with Font Dilemmas. luckily, we have masterposts and tutorials from other gifted content makers to help out, thanku to those heroes

talented tumblr users fave fonts list

guide to font pairing masterpost

another talented tumblr users fav fonts

some fonts

more fonts

clubgifs typography tag!

literally just download any font that you even think looks good and before you know it, you'll have plenty to choose from. i have a word document that's just the same lyric repeated over and over and over again but in every single font that i've ever downloaded so that i can see what they all look like and it's easier to choose from when we get to this stage of the gif making process!

you can then play around with colouring and shadowing and strokes and gradients for your text, but like i said before, starting off simple is usually best! and then when you feeling better about it, theres a heap of tutorials out there to help <3

i, myself, decided to experiment with doing the white outline text thing (tutorial!) with unfortunately a not quite detailed tutorial at first and suffered through trying to make that work for like. an hour and a half. before giving up. then after checking for a different tutorial and thankfully finding one that was a LOT clearer, actually got it to work, so that's fucking exciting for me lmao

5. save and post!

you've got your gifs, you've slapped on the text, you've cut and coloured, you're good to go!

[littlespoonevan]

Ciaraaa so I finally listened to driver's license becos I rmbr you mentioning it wrt to shameless a few days back and i know it's been a while but is it just me that thinks it could be SUCH a good song for a high school au for evak 👀 like imagine even teaching isak to drive like in canon, and then "you're always with that blonde girl/ she's so much older than me".. like them not hanging out as much once even starts dating sonja.. liKE! It fits so perfectly I'm screaming!!!

asldjsfjs u know what, anon?????????? that Fits very well omg. and is the exact type of angstiness isak in unrequited love would feel. damn. very good points were made!!!

[bidaryl]

okay so u know those AUs where its like……rick wakes up from his coma and its the start of the apocalypse all over again after living through a fair chunk of it!! and its like him correcting mistakes and getting his second chance and shit OR the version where they ALL suddenly just wake up one day back in the modern world zombie free and it was all a dream but they all collectively had it so they find each other and meet up????? thats neat and all and i will read those fics till the day i die but u know what i have not seen and i rly wanna like. cry over?

daryl.

daryl waking up at the start of the end of the world. okay i haven’t put much thought into pre-rick era so like maybe just before rick comes in? maybe when merle and the crew leave for the city???? and its like a post-negan daryl thats waking up here. mayhaps the night glenn d*es and daryl gets taken? OR EVEN better maybe when jesus rescues daryl and its when daryl finally falls asleep for the first time in months on an actual pillow surrounded by certain members of his found family and then he just????? wakes up!!

he wakes up and he’s at the fcking quarry. his bitchass loudmouth brothers nowhere in sight cos as daryl figures out later, merle left the previous day. its the big reset button that everyone kinda wishes they had because they’ve all lost so much over the past 2-3 years but like… never though it could happen.

or! and i haven’t actually seen past carl dying so i’m not positive about things but hmmm what about a version when when rick ~dies. the bridge explodes. rick, for all intents and purposes of the show, /is DeAd/. and daryls a fucking mess becos that was on him and maggie and idk who else was involved in that plot or even if thats actually what happened. but from what ive gathered rick and daryl were kinda on the outs with the negan shit and that bridge scene could’ve been avoided. if things had just gone a bit differently. if they could go back in time just for a second! just one more chance! one more shot at things going differently and daryl could totally fix everything. then the next day daryls waking up at the quarry.

ugh cos THINK about it!! quarry era daryl and saviour/negan+ era daryl are so different? like the heart of him is the same but they all barely know each other at the start and daryls so angry and skittish and runs on fight or flight mode but alexandria/saviour/negan era daryl has like……bleed for these people? provided food and water for these people? led these people to safety? put his life on the line on several occasions for these people? made some of these people smile and laugh by just existing? stepped in as leader when rick has his moments? or like co leader with michonne & co.?

like would he tell anyone?? would he speak up more and try lead them to the farm cos that was a good move they did before? does he keep up pretences and chuck a tantrum over the crew not returning with merle or does he like. go ‘okay.’ and everyones like what the actual fuck. does he go into the prison and head for the cafeteria straight away to get the remaining prisoners out and kill that one bitch that fucks shit up for them??

he absofuckinglutely saves sophia. jumps that fucking guardrail before rick can even get out from under the car properly. carol literally not letting sophia out of her sight for days after daryl and rick and sophia all return like 2 hrs later, wet and covered in dirt and some blood but safe.

then!! if he did tell someone, who would it be?????? rick?? carol?? like how would that even go down. would he tell them maybe later on? prison era maybe. when michonne finally comes and they’re all debating whether to let her in or let her fuck off and stuff and daryls like wow i cant take this anymore rick that is ur future WIFE man. patch up her fucking leg.

or maybe carol. when they’re on watch together and carol casually mentions that daryl was over and into the woods, right on sophias heels, before people even realised which direction she went. how rick mentioned once to her that daryl seemed to know exactly where to find her. even picked up her doll without even seeming to stop. just seemed to know exactly what was happening. daryl just shrugging.

also side note. we, and daryl, do NOT know a butterfly effect. absolutely no ‘oh he saved xoxo and that means them and 2 others are gonna die!’ plots. nope. no way. this is the do-over of all do-overs. a one time fix it and fix it for the better.

THAT ALL BEING SAID this post is me being like hey what if daryl got a second chance whatever but no! what this post is truly about at its core is: IMAGINE a daryl thats lived….lets go with the ricks just died version. daryls lived that long and lost that many members of his family.

and then he hasn’t.

imagine daryl seeing beth for the first time again. the last time he saw her, he was carrying out her dead body to her sobbing sister. then they’re all at the farm again and she’s theres. alive and well and still young and bright and smiling. ‘you’re gonna miss me so bad when i’m gone’ he fucking did. he missed her so fucking much. he like. physically stops himself from like just going up and grabbing her and hugging the shit out of her.

daryl seeing sophia grow up? seeing carol become that mum. the mum that she always wanted to be and become still the strongest fucking women daryl had ever met but also like……..her and sophia. every time he sees them together he just wants to cry. carol deserves this so fucking bad. after everything, if he could save nothing else. he can make peace with himself knowing he gave carol this. this time with her daughter that she got robbed of.

daryl seeing glenn, alive, so so so young it seems compared to the the last glenn he saw. seeing him at camp at the quarry. seeing him talk to maggie for the first time. going from seeing him alive and so so so fucking real then his sleep being filled with nightmares of That night. how long after glenns death did daryl blame himself. would’ve put his head under the bat without hesitation if it meant that glenn could live and meet his son. him and maggie can run hilltop together. and now he’s real and he’s tangible and he’s funny and daryl spent so much of his time remembering glenn and feeling guilty that he never even really let himself miss him? but fuck he’s missed glenn so fucking much. missed having his back out on runs and glenn having his.

meeting aaron and eric again. going to that spag bowl dinner, eating the fuck out of it, just enjoying watching these two gays in love have dinner with each other at the end of the world. thinks about how they specifically invited him over for dinner. erics not gonna die this time round. they’re both gonna met gracie. bring her back number plates. help her put them on the wall, put them amongst all her drawings.

meeting merle again. knowing that merle died for him. them. the whole family. michone. idk if i want merle to live or die idk lets move on.

hershel lives!!!!!!!!! no beheading here!!!!!!!! fuck that!!!!!! fuck the governor!!!!! maggie and beth and glenn do not ever have to witness their father (in law) being killed in cold blood! no! hershel fits in v well with the alexandia community and thrives there. daryl makes damn sure of that.

daryl on that first day they meet jesus? him and rick getting in that car, rick singing that damn song, and daryl realising oh Shit! its that day already?? and then jesus, the fucker, does exactly what he does last time. and daryls just like.......so fucking happy that jesus is HERE and ALIVE and RIGHT THERE that he doesnt even get to outsmart him. show off. jesus pulls the firecracker stunt again and swipes ricks keys and when rick and him are stranded there and jesus has taken off with the truck, daryls just standing there like how the fuck did i let that happen. chases him around the field AGAIN! ‘duck!’ ‘thats my gun!’ AGAIN!!!!!! <3<3<3

the long road of the apocolypse is just as hard the second time as the first but everytime daryl looks around at his family and sees everyone they lost so tragically last time, alive, hes like..................a MESS. theyre alive! and safe! and hes so happy that his family is all together again. 

[mulderspice]

have you ever watched an episode of the Emmy award winning sci-fi drama, The X Files?  Maybe you’ve read my original post and yet you’re still wondering where the hell Fox Mulder got all those strands of hair on his jumbo gigantic head.  I am back and here to help you find the answers to some of your burning questions; as we celebrate the hard work and triumphs of the hair and makeup department on the Fox Lot and team up with my big huge brain and my New York State Cosmetology license to give the people what they want once again: another top ten guide to Mulder’s fucking hair..

upon making this post a second time (rip 😔), I realized that just about every episode (yes, every. single. one. even the ones without Mulder and the latest season where he has to share headspace with [redacted]) has its own important and iconic hair looks... You may recognize that some of these are slightly repeated from the last post but that’s ok! What I'm here to do is enforce! So lets get started..

#10 s6:e21 Field Trip: Here again we begin our journey into cosmetic superstardom with a personal favorite of mine.  Mulder rolling with the times by getting a haircut fresh off the FTF wave left our nation in fucking shambles. Can’t imagine going to see a major motion picture in theatres jam packed with Mulder’s most supreme hair looks only to come back to my tv screen to see it all gone away.  For students reading this post for educational purposes, this caused a worldwide walkout on popular salon franchise Supercuts in the year 1998.  However, a haircut didn’t necessarily mean Mulder forgot how to take care of his hair.  The precision and placement as each strand of hair perfectly outlines his jumbo head is revolutionary and inspiring.  Mushroom induced drug high? K. Lemme still grab my teasing comb and my hairspray and make sure I look presentable for when my partner walks into my apartment screaming abt “where's Mulder” and wanting “answers”.  The answer is this: this look is about giving people like myself with big heads rights and looking fuckable while doing so. 10/10 for inspiring hope.

#9 s1:e9 Space: Imagine you’re a few episodes into a show, the core plot is developing right before your eyes and you’re beginning to get to know The X Files three main characters; Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and Mulder Hair Strands #1-3.  All is well except, you still have no clue how crucial, and critical Mulder Hair Strands 1-3 will become to the show and to your life and I am here to tell you that you are in for a very rude and bold awakening.  This message goes out to all the haters and all the people who didn’t believe Mulder’s hair was valid prior to season 4. He is here to tell you he DID know how to use dry shampoo and even the occasional blow dry oil and you can suck a dick abt it. Bold of you to assume he wouldn’t pull the round brush and the biosilk out the drawer to impress a visit to fucking NASA. 10/10 for involving science.

#8 s4:e6 Sanguinarium: I sit here writing to you today as the song ‘Handmade Heaven’ comes on shuffle; strikingly fitting for this raw and ethereal image of straight up beauty and wonder and magic and heaven in hair. This special, freshly washed and air dried smells like strawberries and sandalwood and fuckability. The look reaches through your TV and wraps its hands around your neck and sucks the life right out of you.  Are you gonna let it happen? You sure are.  Lucky for you, I just so happened to be there when the angels hand sewed each strand of hair onto his head and here’s what they had to say about it:  this is everything and more and the way Mulder has just washed his hair with fresh mountain water droplets hand collected like nothing else mattered. Put his clothes back on and went on his merry way. Can’t imagine being in Scully’s shoes ready to walk on in her partners room unannounced to go over serious case related matters and theories.  Woulda went bonkers. This truly is a handmade heaven.  Hand crafted by Mulder for Scully and for the good viewers of the globe. 10/10 for embracing me in its arms.

#7 s4:e3 Home: A look from one of primetime TV’s most notorious banned episodes.  Viewer discretion IS advised not only for the horrifying and cringeworthy content displayed in this episode, but for also making it painfully blunt to the viewer that Mulder’s hair follicles are happier and healthier than anybody else's will ever be in their lifetime.  In fact, I can feel my own hair falling out and being respawned onto HIS head as I type this and I’m sure you can too. The way the sun glistens off his golden brown strands makes me want to walk into oncoming traffic.  You might also notice how effortless this look was, as it probably only took a quick run thru with his fingers, and Mulder’s passion and need to look sexy at any time of the day at all times. It’s obvious that this kind of thing comes naturally to him, which just comes off as insulting to men everywhere. 11/10 for striking fear into men’s hearts.

#6 s4:e20 Small Potatoes: Genuinely took every bone and nerve ending in my body to not put this look in the top 5 even though it so clearly deserves it.  Here at mulderspice we believe in diversity, meaning it wouldn’t be right to make my top five greatest hairstyles ever produced on The X Files just of Mulder’s iconic and revolutionizing middle part (though really who is stopping me..). This screenshot in general has me up in arms at how perfectly the blue background matches his eyes, and how it accentuates his hydrated skin and lips.  But you’re not here for that. It’s the hair particularly that really pulls the shot together, as Mulder took the time that morning to spray it with some tinted dry shampoo that most defiantly and absolutely smells like chocolate.   This look feels like a warm hug on a frigid winter day. I feel EMBRACED and I feel CARED FOR thanks to the wonderful staff and team @ Mulder’s head and hair follicles. What the fuck could be better than this. 16/10 for making me feel some type of way.

#5 s4:e8 Tunguska: Currently you may not think anything of Krycek to the left of this image though ill have you know he plays an extremely vital part of this look and all the words I’m about to speak to you directly. So listen up: Krycek may have heroically slayed Mulder’s father in cold blooded and justifiable murder, but we thank him for this, as it caused Mulder to lash out in the best way possible: through looks. “Un-shun: Krycek do you think I’m good to bring my Redkin Rewind 6 styling paste with me or will the Russian TSA think of that as contraband? :Re-shun”.  A sweaty, manly and highly illegal treck through a Russian testing facility and a stint in a violent foreign PRISON surely was not going to stop Mulder from keeping his hair properly hydrated, styled and parted. That’ll really ruffle Krycek’s feathers and make him feel sorry for what he did…. The sexiest way to avenge the death of your deadbeat father. 24/10 for you know why.

#4 s1:e6 Shadows: In the year 1993, Mulder steps onto the scene, young, fresh faced, bright eyed and ready to give men around the globe what they (so desperately) needed: the encouragement to care about their hair.  Any backstreet boy you may know have this scene to thank directly, as this is what encouraged them to reproduce Mulder’s hair onto their own heads time and time again.  What I would give to see with my own eyes Mulder length times width times height his head to equal this perfectly proportionate look of volume and sexy. And who can I write a warrant out to for allowing this shot to take place.  Oh to be the various and expensive hair care products in Mulder’s bathroom …… 899/10 for starting a movement (-1 for making us do equations).

#3: s1:e10 Fallen Angel: The biggest regret I’ve ever had in my short little life was not adding this moment to the last post.  And tumblr deleted it in order to give me this opportunity to present this to you today.  By the way, that absolutely is in fact a choir of angels singing as you view this image. Go ahead and try to think of something on this earth that could be better than this tossled bed headed im-stressed-becos-my-partner-of-2-weeks-isn’t-seeing-the-big-picture-about-how-we’re-all-key-pawns-in-an-ongoing-government-conspiracy hairstyle hand crafted by Mulder all while holding his head in his hands hard at work trying to break through to the truth.  Scully [insert photo of Scully with her eyes popping out of her head here] and I both wanna rip our own hair out and throw it in the garbage. 2000/10 for making our hearts ache..

#2: s4:e10 Paper Hearts: Behold- the image I’m slamming down on the desk at full force when I finally get myself a therapist. I need a licensed professional doctor to help me understand the various angles that this purposeful shot affects my life health and well being. In a paranoia induced out of body experience Mulder took his pinky finger and parted his hair down the middle, took a protractor to perfectly round the tendrils falling ever so gracefully on his forehead and ran out of his apartment and through the woods of DC.  Doesn’t matter if he’s crazy? Doesn’t matter if its fuck all 4am? Who knows if the discoveries of this night is finally going to answer the heartbreaking questions regarding Mulder’s baby sister? Fuck it we’re just gonna make sure Scully has something to look forward to after being awoken yet again in the middle of the night and asked to come wrangle and control this stupid idiot.  This just makes me unhinged.  50000/10 for waking up in the middle of the night and doing the most for us all.  

#1 s4:e3 Teliko: This one will remain number one for as long as I shall live.  I’ve dedicated my life to this cause and I’m ready to make you painfully aware of it. Grab a pen and paper and get ready to do some heavy math with me because this look right in front of your eyes is the equation to happiness and sexiness. Can barely find the words to describe to you how this picture makes me feel. Each strand of hair is personally reaching down and wrapping his head in one big giant hug of protection and solitude.  Unbelievable that Scully didn’t head back to her hotel room and scream at the top of her lungs right after this. There’s no way she went about her day as normal without wanting to kick the shit out of him and then put him back together with soft feathery kisses.  What you are witnessing here is the very turning point of the show where Scully looked into into the very center point of that part and said “guess I have no choice but to fall in love with him 🚶🏽‍♂️”. Chris Carter’s idealistic version of Mulder and the one we actually ended ups seeing as viewers were so drastically different that it’s blatantly clear that he had absolutely no idea the cultural implications that were about to rock the world to its core and tip it on its axis when David Duchovny showed up on set looking like this. I could write a thesis about this. I could conduct research and studies about this.  I got kicked out of college because I cared more about this than I did actual schoolwork. I feel like I’m in a very sexy chokehold. Wish I could live forever in one little square pixel of this image.  Nothing means more to me than this.  1000000/10 no further comments.

and the honorable mentions go to....

s8:e16 Three Words: Dead? Did you die? Did you die and miraculously defy god by rising from the dead and coming back to life? Just got home from the morgue? Think nothing is the same? Left guessing if you’re a soon to be 5 minute father? Did you just fucking die? He’s lost his family and his job and the world just went on without him like it was nobody’s business.  Walked out of the morgue right to his apartment and what did he have left? His expensive array of hair styling and finishing products that’s what the fuck he had left.  Being an all around reject from society didn’t at all stop him from taking his fingers and dipping it into that Big Sexy styling pomade and fluffing his head to high heavens. As a personal fuck you to god and to John Doggett too.  He’ll never let you know the emotional hellstorm going on in his life in that moment but he WILL make it known to you that despite being 8 feet under ground for 6 months he’ll never give up on his hair. For the PEOPLE. Try and go through the nightmare of death and then rejected fatherhood and see if you come out of it with any hair at ALL.  An itty bitty glimpse into what would have been Untitled Mulder Abduction Story (2001)....

I Want To Believe (2008): Here you will see the sluttiest moment in major motion picture history.  Shh im not using this opportunity to show you this screenshot for the 800th time I’m trying to keep you educated.  BREAKING NEWS; Man hiding in home office for 6 years fully off the grid has FULL head of hair and is getting regular sex *not clickbait*. So what if Mulder has gone fully unhinged and off the walls bonkers he’s also gone FULL slut and it shows in that sexy thick voluminous head of slut hair.  If you ever for a second thought prior to seeing this movie for the first time that Mulder would show up a full on son-less wreck and a half think the fuck again babes.  He’s managed to hold on to every single little strand ever grown on his head even well into his middle aged madness and its about time we give him the credit he deserves.  (PS. Please know I wrote this entire spiel without even viewing the shot shown here. Its just permanently etched on the inside of my forehead so its there when my eyes roll back into my head.)  For this we say…..; Whore rights.

s11:e3 Plus One: Incase you were unaware, I have been going through a very slow and painful process of erasing Season 11 from my brain completely.  Its been a long road but its achievable and the end result will save me from a lot of future heartache and trauma.  This however, is a moment I will cherish forever and though you may think its for the hot sex (which is like maybe 30% the case) its actually because it puts together everything I’ve ever loved and believed about the show in only a few thousand pixels. How old is Mulder here? 30? 31? Still has hair and still has an unbelievable amount of love to shower Scully in for as long as they both shall live (which lets face it, she deserves one million times over.)  What this has taught me was to hang up my “Mulder deserved…” hat for good and just be thankful for what I’ve got. I ended up with no son or happy dreamy ending where Mulder gets to die with a family he’s never had in his life, but here we are left with the little things.. Like Mulder and Scully’s unconditional love and most importantly .. The hair on Mulder’s head. Its called growth and acceptance and I am learning it.  Also I just wanted to show you what it would look like if you were like 57 and sexy and still had all ur hair. That’s it :-)

[rukakikuchi]

My speculation/theories on LOONA’s next comeback.

Oh boy, oh boy… As we’ve been waiting for LOONA’s next comeback, we’ve had plenty of time to speculate on what the concept for what said comeback will be like. And it seems like the girls are just as excited as us, as they seem to be dropping hints as to what it’s going to be.

We’re going to look at some possibilities based on the hints we’ve been given so far, as well as some speculation as to what else we could see coming from LOONA in the near future.

Flowers and nature

As soon as promotions for “So What” ended, LOONA wasted no time dropping subtle references to flowers and nature, leading many fans to believe their next concept could be flowers or nature related.

References made to flowers:

Chuu participating in King of Masked Singer as “Spring Girl”

Using flowers and nature related emojis (i.e. rainbow) in social media posts

Yves and Chuu Frequency of the Moon topic was “spring”

Heejin being called “a goddess among the flowers” in the post promoting her appearance in Ben’s “Bad” MV (Source)

ViVi, Jinsoul, and Chuu Frequency of the Moon topic was “flower”

Gowon, Yves, and Jinsoul took a photo with a tulip in behind the scenes photos of a magazine shoot (Sources: 1, 2, 3)

Yves posting a photo of her with roses (Source)

Mentioning “blooming” and other flower/nature related phrases

In a post celebrating Choerry and Olivia’s coming of age: “Things will get better with that rose” (Source)

Yves mentioning flowers blooming in different seasons in her fancafe letter on her birthday and saying she’ll bloom more vibrantly each year (Source)

Kim Lip saying “keep walking flower paths only with us” in her Orbit 2.0 anniversary fancafe letter (Source)

Gowon saying “photosynthesis time” (Source)

We’ve already had it all but officially confirmed that LOONA’s upcoming comeback is happening in August (Yves told Nature they were planning on an August comeback during filming on Fact in Star back in June.) (Source)

With it being the summer season, I could see them either doing a bright, fun concept with an energetic sound, or they could go for a dreamy concept with beautiful visuals and emotional vocals.

Royalty and elegance

Another concept the group has been dropping hints about is a royal concept.

Firstly, we’ve been seeing several recent instances of the girls wearing these fancy black dresses. 

These outfits were first seen during promotion for the group’s premier greeting “Meet & Up” event. Since then, we’ve seen them on the official Japanese fan club website, the post commemorating one million subscribers on Youtube (Source), the celebration of Orbits’ 2nd anniversary (Source), and even during LOONA the TAM Season 2.

There’s also their official light stick, which is designed like a crown. 

Not only that, but they come with a golden cape that you can wear. We also got a photo of the girls in these capes and white dresses in what appear to be a palace.

There’s also their cover performance of “Love Battery” on Immortal Songs 2, which took a very jazzy and theatrical spin on the song, adding their own LOONA flair to it. The members have stated in the past (Yves specifically I believe) that their covers were hints to their next comeback, since their boy group dance covers prior to the release of [#] hinted at the style “So What” would be like.

This could just be a general group concept rather than just a comeback concept, but if they do go for a royal or elegant concept, there’s honestly a bunch of possibilities for what it could sound like. It could range from an elegant, ethereal vibe, a fun yet powerful dance number, a big band jazzy style song, or even a pop-ballad.

And speaking of ballad…

Return of LOONA the Ballad?

It has been over half a year since it was announced that LOONA the Ballad, or La Maison LOONA, a ballad album that had been teased since 2018 was cancelled. I only very recently became an Orbit, but was nonetheless disappointed when I heard an entire album they had planned to release had been scrapped for release.

...Or was it? Because recently, the girls have been hinting that maybe LOONA the Ballad isn’t completely gone.

Now I’m not sure whether this is true or not, but supposedly during a fansign event, a fan asked Chuu if there was a possibility that the album could still be released, and she just smiled and said “Soon!”

But then we had the moment during Yves’ birthday VLive where we heard what sounded like a snippet of “Stay with me babe (aka “Hyper Ballad”)” playing. (Source)

If BBC didn’t have backup files for the original planned album, there’s probably a chance they had to re-record the album altogether. It might even be possible they’re going to repurpose the songs they planned to release on LOONA the Ballad for something entirely new.

Japanese debut?

LOONA’s Japanese debut was another delayed project I learned about after becoming a fan. And since we recently got the launch of their official Japanese fan club, I think they have had plans on releasing their Japanese debut soon.

Now, these plans might have changed with what’s going on in the world right now, but I think it’s possible that we will get more news regarding this some time this year.

The only question is, what would they do? Would the royalty concept be utilized here while the Korean comeback focuses on the floral/nature concept? Could it be possible that the tracks that were meant to be for LOONA the Ballad were repurposed to become a Japanese release? Will the Japanese debut be a new song or just a translated version of a song they already released like “Hi High” or “Butterfly”?

Again, there’s several possibilities and until we hear more from the staff or the girls themselves, we’ll just have to wait and see.

“Day and Night” official release?

This is something I’ve been curious about for a while. We’ve gotten hints that we’re going to get something related to “Day and Night”, the hidden track released on the CD only version of [#].

Digipedi posted a video on their Instagram of them listening to “Day and Night” in the car. Now, this can simply be that they really like the song and nothing more. But what if it means there’s a music video for “Day and Night”?

Also, in a LOONA Kick where Olivia was filming herself with a moon face filter, we hear the girls singing “Day and Night” in the background. (Source)

Personally, I thought this meant they would be performing “Day and Night” at KCON:TACT 2020, but that ended up not being the case. Still, I can’t help but wonder if we’ll actually get to see a performance of it in the future, or at least a dance practice video.

I also wonder if they would do an official release of the song, either as a digital single or have it included as an official track if they decide to do a repackage of [#] for the next comeback. Whatever the case, it feels like the girls are planning something related to it.

What will the album be called?

Aside from the concept and sound of the comeback, one of the big things fans have speculated on is what the name of the album is going to be. The album names for the OT12 releases have had significant meanings; [+ +] is about how the girls and units combine into the full group (addition), [X X] is about that power being amplified (multiplication), and [#] is about realizing their strengths and what they can accomplish when they are together.

The most common guesses I’ve seen for the album title are [*] and [O]. Before I give my thoughts on which one it could be, let’s look at what each of the symbols could mean if used.

First, we have the asterisk symbol (*). This symbol is used to call attention to a footnote, indicate an omission, point to disclaimers, and dress up company logos. Basically, it’s meant to draw attention to an otherwise minor detail.

This seems to match up with LOONA as a group, as the girls always work their hardest to perfect even the slightest details of their dancing or singing in order to put out a quality performance for their fans. And in the context of the LOONAverse, it could mean that even the smallest detail can become significant.

The symbol has also been pointed out to resemble a star or flower. If they really are going with a flower concept, it would be a clever choice if they went with this.

Now for the “O”. This isn’t really a symbol; it’s a letter. But there are quite a few reasons why it can become a meaningful symbol should they name the album [O].

Firstly, most frankly, the letter “O” resembles a full moon, and we know LOONA is all about the moon.

Secondly, in “So What” there’s a line that references the “O or X” in tic-tac-toe. One way fans have interpreted that line is that it’s them talking about how most girl groups in K-pop fall into either a cute concept or a girl crush concept, and the song as a whole is about not being restricted by anyone or anything.

We’ve already had the “X” in [X X], so it would make sense if they did “O” next.

Also, if you replace the “#” in “B#RN” with an “O”, it becomes “BORN”, which plays into the idea that the next concept could be about rebirth. Again, this would fit into the flower concept as flowers always bloom again as the seasons come and go.

I already theorized that [#] and “So What” would be about the destruction and rebirth of LOONA and the LOONAverse, so maybe the next comeback will continue from that.

“So What” was specifically about the “destruction” part of this; the girls are breaking out from their old image and everything that held them back. Olivia quite literally sets the moon on fire to symbolize this action. And at the end, we see the bird feathers being revived after being burnt.

So this next comeback could possibly focus on the “rebirth” part, showing just how much stronger LOONA have become as a whole.

As for which one I think the title of the album would be, I’m leaning more towards the asterisk symbol, since it lines itself up with the potential flower/nature concept and the meaning and usage of the symbol can become significant to LOONA when put in the right context.

My thoughts

As of right now, it feels like a flower/nature concept focused on rebirth is most likely what we’re going to get. Sound-wise, if their cover of “Love Battery” really is a hint for what the song will be like, I could totally see it working with LOONA.

However, if they are in fact repurposing the LOONA the Ballad tracks for a new comeback, I could see them actually using both the flower and royal concepts. In my mind, “Daydream” would be the flower/nature concept with an ethereal dreamlike look and feel, while “Stay with me babe” would be the royal/elegant concept and be more mature. Not straight up sexy, but more like an alluring feel.

I also think it’s possible that they would use the royal concept for their Japanese debut, with a new style that’s not something we’ve seen in their previous releases but also feels familiar to LOONA’s overall concept and style.

Also, while I don’t think they plan on doing this for their next comeback, I think it would be nice to see the group do solos and units again. Not just for pre-existing units, but new units as well. The members have talked about the possibility of them doing new units in the past, and fans have speculated on things such as the “day and night” units (which are basically the tall line and short line lol), but we don’t know if those plans were also postponed or cancelled.

With everything that’s going on in the world, we may not know just yet, so for now it’s all a matter of if and when. Regardless, I’m so excited for what this next concept will be like.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this discussion! Feel free to share your own thoughts on what you think the comeback will be like!

Until then... Stan LOONA! 🌙💖

[randombitchsince1996]

Stupid Cupid: Chapter 1

Characters: Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Lee Sarang (OC)

Genre: Fluffy, Romance, Comedy, Fantasy

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2,227

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE GO TO MY MASTERLIST

Park Sunhye and Kim Jihoon’s names were painted prettily upon the thick small card, the words gleaming in a sparkled pink. They were my latest mission.

They had been around each other their wholes lives and yet had no idea they were meant to be, they didn’t even know the other existed. In kindergarten, Sunhye had accidentally given Jihoon the flu and they both missed a good week of school as a result. In Elementary school, Jihoon and Sunhye had classes together but never really interacted, they just could recognize the other without placing them. In Middle School, Jihoon‘s best friend tried dating Sunhye and dragged Jihoon into his schemes. Jihoon didn’t play along, further keeping the two apart. Then High School came and their schedules were completely different, they just knew each other as a passing face in the hall.

Now they somehow wound up at the same University and still hadn’t fallen in love, hadn’t had some wistful run-in with each other that sparked something more. It was a fun case, more fun than most the ones I got as a Soulmate Cupid. I was grateful it wasn‘t passed to Baekhyun, though for it to be his case they would‘ve had to have known each other intimately since childhood.

He had an interesting task, a bit more interesting than mine. He got to follow them as they grew; he got to watch their relationship develop from friendship to something more. His was a journey, mine was lighting a match at the end of a line of oil and letting sparks fly as I sent them off. My missions were quick and sweet. Though seeing the couples get all lovey-dovey and completely entranced was always a joy. Hearing Baekhyun brag about his missions was not a joy.

Though I mean, I couldn‘t complain. At least I wasn‘t apart of the learning department. They had to deal with the breakups, the relationships that were meant to be lessons to those involved and sometimes abuse. I was lucky in that sense, I got the pink cotton candy sugary love, they got the dark angsty romance that wasn‘t ever really romance and they were the ones who incited it. I couldn‘t imagine being ok with doing that, but hey I didn’t have to live with those thoughts I was a lucky Cupid.

I pocketed the small little paper and watched quietly. My bare feet brushed the rough, pebbled walkway that branched out from the massive glass front of Seoul University. I couldn‘t feel the roughness, I just assumed it was there—I had to assume most things. I mean Cupids weren‘t exactly of the Human world and so we didn’t feel the world or experience it the way they did we didn‘t even really eat or use the bathroom.

To be honest, toilets were kind of scary. I mean the humans just hit a lever and the loud whooshing sound was enough to set my feathers on edge. Yes, that was the one thing tales about us go semi-right. We had wings, they just weren‘t tiny minuscule things that looked too small for our bodies. Ours were large enough to carry our weight, they were white and pure stretching out several feet. They were muscled and elegant. We were like geese but like, not geese.

I mean for one, I didn’t have a weird, hard orange beak protruding from my face, and I didn‘t squawk at people if they walked past me. I also didn’t flap my wings threateningly to make myself look bigger, besides I don‘t think it would work on a human figure. Then again, I never tried it.

Note to self: Flap wings at Baekhyun threateningly and see how he reacts.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, in front of Seoul University.

The trees and shrubs that decorated the campus rustled as though they were being touched by a cool breeze. I didn’t know, of course, I couldn‘t even feel that, though I had heard of breezes and wind. I got to see its invisible hand at work often. The ruffling of the green leaves was enough to hint at it being a cool summer night. The sky above was darkened and freckled with specks of light. The campus was lit in random spots with towering light poles, the glass front of the school was darkened as well except for a few lights. They let those outside know people were still residing inside, probably late study groups or those who had nothing to go home to—it was weird to think about as most humans might be resting at home by now.

At least from what I had observed. We didn’t really need sleep. We worked day and night with little breaks here and there, we didn‘t even really eat. I stepped forward and slipped through the glass, the sensation tickled a bit as it always did and I was on my way. The campus was one I knew decently enough, though I didn’t need to bother with halls, locks, or any barrier humans would have to deal with so that made it a bit simpler.

It also helped that most soulmates wound up together in college and this was a frequent haunt of mine, to say the least. Though based on the fresh and shining wood flooring, they had definitely done some renovations since I last showed up. The walls were covered in new paintings, and articulate sketches that had student names plastered next to them. It had to have been many human years since I was last here that didn‘t seem possible but I guess time moved a bit different with us.

We didn’t have much of anything in the way of holidays so keeping track of days wasn’t really necessary and if we did have days how would we keep track? I mean we didn’t sleep, and that seemed to be the thing that decided days for humans.

A tingle in the pit of my stomach pulled me from my thoughts, it was what we used to guide us. The sensation and feeling would get stronger the closer we got to one of our targets. It was the main reason I had showed up here; the feeling pulled me here so either Sunhye or Jihoon were here or both. I wandered down the hallway; it was barren though I could hear the mutters of random students here and there-their voices muffled by thick plaster and concrete blocks.

I wandered along in the dark, wondering what going to school might feel like—we didn‘t need much of an education so it was unnecessary. Yet, the idea of College and school, in general, was fascinating in itself. It kind of reminded me of headquarters, we all were there and it was how we made our friends and our connections. It was where we learned to be Cupids. I mean schools seemed to be where they all gathered to make friends though I think they had more drama. I wasn‘t entirely sure. I didn’t get to spy on them for super long periods of time though Baekhyun had the tendency to spill the odd gossip to me here and there.

Like once a girl named Nam Joohyun dog slapped another girl for eyeing her man. But, of course, Baekhyun knew “her man” wasn’t actually her man. Nam Joohyun had no idea she was a Lesbian. In love with her best friend, Baekhyun just had to orchestrate everything appropriately and the pieces would fall in line and she’d be with the girl of her dreams in no time.

Baekhyun seemed to be all about the gossip, meanwhile, I was left out of it for the sole reason that I didn‘t have to follow them for so long. He got to witness human growth, I got to see the result of it.

More soft sounds of people talking in their little night study groups. Words were jumbled and useless to me, so I walked on ignoring them all.

The sensation in the pit of my stomach spread like wildfire, it consumed the entirety of my chest now and was beginning to singe my shoulders. I turned another corner and walked a bit farther into the weird alcove when another sound hit me. It wasn‘t a voice.

It was soft, subtle, and melodic. It carried through the small space and swelled randomly before dipping back into something softer. I spun in a circle for a moment, my senses dulled by the odd noise. Turns out the small alcove bubbled out towards a set of double doors that didn‘t match most of the ones that seemed to be lining the other halls. The sound was emerging from the cracks and crevices the doors left when closed.

The feeling in my chest didn‘t get stronger as I stared at them. However, my curiosity peaked and shot up double. I knew people listened to music, I even knew they had this sorry excuse of a song called Stupid Cupid. However, I never got to listen to it. It was something I only heard in passing and what I usually heard was something reminiscent of hitting babies one more time—which sounded a bit demented. Or songs that went too fast to possibly be speaking any real language. Though in Korea the songs were more lovey-dovey, fitting of us Cupids. I still was a bit perturbed by the one time I heard the hitting babies song, I know humans can be a bit morally bankrupt but that one crossed a bit of a line. I never really wanted to listen to music again after that one.

This music was something entirely different, it was relaxing. It wasn‘t flashy or overdressed, it was bare and raw. The notes were oddly jagged and tilted yet gentle. Like the person creating it was feeling something deep that they couldn’t comprehend. I couldn’t help it, the urge to see the person playing the song was too feral and intense. I slipped through the double doors and came out at the top of a deeply sloped room.

Steps went straight down from where I stood to a raised platform at the very front. The space was enshrouded in black except for a singular light that was on the platform. It silently highlighted the features of the person creating the music. I stepped down and ignored the hoards of chairs that seemed to also be focused on him. It was as though he were performing for an audience despite me being the only one there.

He sat with his legs folded precariously at the edge of the platform. An odd instrument that I think was called a guitar sat in his lap and his fingers ran along the long thing part, his other hand plucked the strings and new notes echoed across the dark room.

I took a couple steps closer. His features becoming more stark and noticeable. His hair was dark and styled messily atop his small face. A perfectly pointed chin rested beneath startingly pink lips. They parted and a beautiful rough voice emerged and blossomed right before my eyes. He was singing. He was singing, and it was beautiful and raw just like the notes he strummed.

I took another step, now being able to see just how tall he was—his limbs seemed to stretch out for forever despite the way they were folded conveniently. His eyes seemed to bulge beneath his closed lids, long lashes feathered out upon his tanned cheeks. He was just as beautiful as the music he created.

My hand raised, my fingers wanting to touch his cheek. I knew I wouldn’t be able to feel anything; I knew it. I heard humans were warm though and in that moment I wanted to feel warmth. The way his voice was making me feel warm, the way his music was making me feel warm. My fingertips rested too far away, and he was higher up than I. I fluttered my wings and let the weightlessness of flight take me, this time the tips of my fingers were so close to him.

I could close my eyes and picture the way he might feel, the way he might smell.

Click

Suddenly the music was gone, the space was gone. The tingling sensation that was linked to my mission was gone. It no longer sat alive in my chest. My chest was barren. The pit of my torso twisted and pinched. I had been pulled, I could feel the way fingers bit into my abdomen pulling me from the Human world and into ours. I could suddenly feel again, smell again and I knew by the subtle strawberry scent that I was at headquarters.

My eyes parted, and I gasped seeing the sleek and elegant curves of the head Cupid, Hyorin. Her sharp eyes flashed as she blinked, her lips didn‘t twitch into a frown or into a cordial smile. She was all business. She read the confusion on my face plainly, I didn’t know what had just happened.

“Wha—” she cut me off before I could voice my confusion.

“We need to talk Sarang.”

[yyounggoth]

Could you maybe do a Jalex? However you want to do it

Sure sure! I had the time of my life creating this hc! Thankyou for requesting❤️

{this is set really early on in season one and I changed Alex’s brothers age to be around 26/27}

• Alex was only two steps away from his schools entrance when he heard a familiar voice call his name, his eyes automatically roll in annoyance

• “Hey Alex! Alex! I need you to do me a favour please?” Peter says desperately

• Alex turns around to see his brother running up to him holding his 3 year old daughter Maya

• “I know this is really sudden but I need you to look after Maya for me”

• Alex looks at his brother like he’s grown a second head.

• “I have school, how do you expect me to look after her?” He asks incredulously

• “I’m sure skipping one day of school won’t hurt right? No one else can have her. Mom and dad are at work, Kate is in labour as we speak and I need to drive her to the hospital Alex please please please?”

• Alex makes the mistake of looking up at his brothers face, his puppy dog eyes on full display with the intention to manipulate his younger brother. It always worked

• “Fine, but you owe me big time” he sighs heavily and takes hold of his niece

• Alex gets a wide grin in response, peter gives one last kiss to his daughter and a thumbs up to Alex before he’s running back down the path and into the car that holds his pregnant girlfriend, taking off at high speeds to reach the hospital in time.

• “Well, looks like it’s just you and me kid” his niece lets out a sweet giggle at his words and clings tighter to him.

• Alex makes his way back down the steps that lead to the high school, about to take his usual route home before he realises he doesn’t have a ride back.

• Fucking Peter left him stranded at school with his kid, no offers of a ride in sight. He can’t take the school bus seeing as it’s 7:45am, he doesn’t have any money for an uber and as far as he knew Tony wasn’t in today so he couldn’t ask the older for a lift either.

• Just as he was about to give up and walk the 30 minutes it takes to get home, his eyes land on none other than Justin Foley, the insufferable jock that made his days at liberty high miserable. It wasn’t like the boy was mean or anything, he was quite sweet when he was on his own, but when he was with his dumb jock friends he’d say or do anything to fit in.

• For some reason Alex seemed to be the target for the group, they claim he’s weird and gay, “he must be with a nose ring like that.” Alex just chooses to ignore the boys but it’s hard to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Whenever he would get taunted by the group of athletes Justin would always laugh along with them, but once everything died down Alex could feel the boy’s heavy stare linger on him for too long, making him squirm at the attention.

• Something wriggling on his hip brought his attention back to the present, his niece thrashing her body slightly, seemingly becoming restless. She pouts heavily and tugs on her uncles hoodie, mumbles of “Uncle Lexy” falling deaf on his ears.

• Just as he’s about to start walking home, he makes eye contact with Justin. Although Alex would never admit it he could feel himself getting lost in his green eyes. They stare at each other for a while, seemingly trapped in the moment, hypnotised by one another.

• Alex breaks his focus out of the weird moment both boys share as he notices Justin making his way over to them.

• “Hey are you okay..” Justin trails off as if he wants Alex to fill in the blanks.

• “… Alex” he says annoyed

• “Yeah I know your name dummy, we share history and English classes together” Justin shoots back

• Bullshit, the only reason you know who I am is because of your stupid meathead friends, is what Alex wants to say. Instead choosing to keep his mouth shut in favour of his niece.

• “Hmm” he agrees instead

• “So are you? Okay I mean..” Justin rubs the back of his neck as a nervous habit, chewing on his lower lip as he waits for the younger to respond.

• “Not really, my brother dumped his kid on me and I have no way of getting home” dumped isn’t really the word he wants to use, he loves Maya to pieces and would do anything for the little girl. His brothers timing was just inconvenient, catching Alex when he was at his busiest, often causing him to become moody.

• At the mention of the little girl, Justin turns towards her and gives her the biggest smile, lifting his hand to play with her little fingers. Maya smiles back at the boy and giggles shyly.

• “So adorable” Justin mumbles before turning his attention back on Alex.

• Alex noticed that Maya had become calmed by the presence of the jock, no longer wriggling in his hold. Instead her face holds great happiness, her smile wide as the whole world seems to shine in her curious dark brown eyes. She reaches out for Justin’s hand, which he happily takes. It was almost cute to Alex, seeing the older boys hand completely envelope hers, tiny and petite hands resting against his large and calloused ones. This time Justin giggles along with the girl.

• “I can give you a lift” Alex snaps his eyes towards Justin in disbelief.

• “You want to give me a ride? Alex asks confused.

• "But why, don’t you like hate me?”

• Justin clicks his tongue in response.

• “Look I know I can be an ass sometimes but I don’t hate you. Take the offer it’s the least I can do.” Well it’s somewhat comforting (?) to know that the boy in front of him doesn’t completely hate him.

• Before Alex has chance to respond, Justin is already making his way to the parking lot, car keys swinging on his index finger.

• “Hurry up Standall we don’t have all day” he shouts to the boy behind him

• Alex picks up the pace, jogging to the other boy and getting in the car.• The two boys sit quietly in the car, the only noise filling the stifling silence was the static of the radio. Every now and then it would pick up parts of a song only to fall back onto the static, the noise making Justin physically cringe. He decides he’s had about as much as he can take and reaches over to turn it off, preferring to sit in the quiet rather than letting static swirl around in his head and let his mind haze over. He rubs his temples as he feels a headache coming on. Luckily for him the child and, not so surprisingly, her uncle had remained silent for most of the drive.

• Although he was thankful for it, the eeriness of the soundproof car was starting to irritate him. He needed verbal stimulation, needed to hear something even if it was the tapping of a foot, otherwise his mind would wander into the dark places he keeps locked away. He needed a distraction and if he wasn’t going to get it then he’d make one himself.

• “What’s the cuties name?” He glances at Alex in the passenger seat, the small child placed on his lap with the seatbelt secured around her waist. Although it wasn’t the safest option for the girl it was the only one they had. Peter hadn’t provided Alex with any type of car seat and he didn’t trust placing her in the backseat without one. So Alex’s lap it was.

• “Alex Standall” Alex joked lightly, revelling in the tiny chuckle it gained from the boy beside him

• “Very funny. I meant what’s this little cutie’s name” he reaches over to pinch her cheek to emphasise he was talking about the little girl.

• “Maya” he says fondly, Justin catches a smile on the younger boy’s face. Seeing a smile grace Alex’s features was pretty rare these days, making Justin smile in response to the beautiful sight in front of him.

• “She’ll be 4 this September. My brother’s girlfriend is actually in labour right now so it won’t be long before she’s a big sister.” He doesn’t know why he shares this information with the jock, maybe it’s because of the way Justin glances at him every now and then, softness painting his features and fondness swimming in his eyes.

• “I’ve always wanted to have siblings, I like the idea of having a big family.” Justin says out loud, not really speaking to anyone in particular.

• “I don’t want momma to have a baby” Maya chimes in.

• “What if it’s a boy? Boys are smelly!” She says, dramatically pinching her nose.

• “No they’re not! Daddy’s a boy and he’s not smelly is he?” Alex asks

• “.. sometimes” she says bluntly.

• Both boys cackle the rest of the way home.

• When they arrive at the Standall home Alex quickly makes his way to get out the car muttering a small “thanks” when a hand on his shoulder halts his movements.

• “Want me to stay with you? Help take care of Maya maybe?” Alex swears he hears a bit of desperation in the boy’s tone

• “It’s cool, you should probably get back to school or your teachers will get mad. Thanks though”

• “I don’t mind skipping. I have maths first period and I hate it so much. Plus it wouldn’t totally suck to spend time with a cutie… and Maya too” he winks at him before getting out of the car and walking to the front door of the house

• Alex sat frozen in the passenger seat. Did he just call Alex cute?

• When Alex finally gets out of the car he sees Justin leaning against the door smirking at him. Alex let’s out a scoff and rolls his eyes. That fucker.

• Justin had been at his house for an hour and a half now and he didn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Not that Alex minded, strangely enough he was enjoying the company of the jock more than he thought he would. He thought that it would be really awkward for the two of them to talk without the toddler as a distraction, but as it turns out the boys have a lot more in common than they thought. They both shared a love for music, they both watched the same trashy tv shows, both hated the same characters and they liked the same snacks. For Alex this made the elder a little bit more enjoyable to be around.

• They slipped into easy conversation as it was just the two of them, the television playing in the background, some tv show they’d never seen before plays at a low volume. Alex had put Maya down for a nap not long after they arrived. She started to become cranky during snack time and Alex could only take that as a sign of her tiredness so he whisked the younger away to nap on his bed.

• No matter how tired the girl was it seemed that she wouldn’t be able to sleep any time soon. She awoke from a nightmare and ran throughout the house looking for her uncle. Once she spotted the boys in the den she ran over to them as fast as her legs would carry her. She stopped short in front of them and her eyes filled up with tears.

• Alex caught sight of his niece and leaned forward to pull her onto his lap.

• “What’s wrong bubba?” Alex asks, concerned for his niece

• “Had a nightmare” Maya’s voice wobbles as she tries to contain the sob that threatened to escape her throat.

• Alex rubs a soothing hand over her back as if to protect her from the fear of her nightmares.

• “It was just a dream love, it’s not real. You’re safe okay, you’re safe and you’re alright.” Alex’s words seemed to calm the young child. Her breathing steadied and her eyes eventually dried from the tears that were shed.

• Once she was back to her normal state the girl escaped from Alex’s lap and crawled over to where Justin was sitting, curling into his side and tugging on his shirt

• “Jusy could you and uncle Lexy please read me a story?” And there was no way that Justin could refuse, not with the cute use of the nicknames and the pout that adorned the girls face.

• He looked over at Alex to see if it was okay with him and sighed a breath of relief when Alex nodded his head in approval, a small smile on his face.

• That was all the incentive Justin needed before he lifted the girl up and swung her around in the air causing giggles to escape her lips and flow through the air. Her squeaks became louder as Justin made his way up the stairs, Alex following suit with the biggest smile Justin had ever seen.

• Both Alex and Justin placed themselves on the bed beside Maya. Justin was reading her the story that she picked out whilst Alex tickled her forehead and nose, something that helped to comfort the girl and make her sleepy. Maya kept chastising Justin for getting distracted but he couldn’t help it, not with the heart warming scene playing out before him. Alex really was amazing with kids.

• Justin did end up finally finishing the story, no matter how distracting the boy in front of him was. Just as he was reading the last few words Maya’s eyes slipped shut and her breath left her mouth in little huffs, signalling she was asleep. The boys tucked the toddler in, Justin pulled the blanket around her, tucking it into the corner of the bed whilst Alex kissed her forehead. Justin slipped the book back to its original place before sneaking off down the stairs behind Alex

• When they were at the bottom of the staircase Alex turned to look at Justin with a small smile on his face, Justin reciprocated the gesture. No matter how much Justin teased the boy he never meant it, in fact he found Alex to be a pretty great guy. He would never tell him this of course.

• “Thanks for today” Alex spoke softly.

• “To be honest I don’t think I would of been able to do it without you. She’s really taken a liking to you” he smiles wider

• Justin rubs the nape of his neck nervously, chuckling at the fondness of Alex’s words

• “It was fun, I’ve taking a liking to her as well. I’m not usually that fond of kids but she’s pretty cute” he says

• Alex just beams his beautiful smile at Justin, not saying anything in return but communicating his thoughts through his facial expressions. Justin concludes that Alex is pretty damn happy right now.

• All of a sudden Justin’s phone breaks the moment, beeping constantly as new messages roll through, all from his fellow jock friends. He takes a peek at the lockscreen to read the incoming messages

• “Shit” he curses softly

• “What’s the matter?”

• “Bryce and the guys texted me, apparently my teacher is in a super pissy mood and noticed I wasn’t in class. I’m definitely in trouble”

• “Go then” Alex spoke softly

• Justin was about to protest before Alex spoke up again

• “You’ve helped me out enough Justin, you should get to class whilst you still can. We’ll be fine.”

• “Are you sure?” He asked timidly

• “I’m positive. Now go and have a great day.”

• Justin makes his way over to the door and is about to step through the threshold but stops to turn back to Alex

• “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asks

• “Yeah, see you tomorrow Justin” Alex smiles at him

• Justin returns a smile of his own and gives him one last wink before he’s out the door.

• Alex shuts the door and leans his head against the cool wood. He replays the scenes of the entire day over in his head, Justin spending time with him was unusual but certainly not unwelcome. It was nice to see how Justin behaved in the presence of young kids, it made his heart beat faster at the thought of how maternal Justin had been. He’d be a great father someday.

• Alex lifted his head and giggles to himself, feeling light.

• The boys had built up an unlikely friendship between the two, and Alex couldn’t be happier.

~ extra~

• Alex could feel the buzz of his phone against his leg. He fished it out of his pocket and looked at the lock screen to see a text from his brother

Peter: It’s a girl x

Send requests| request guidelines| my other work

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 12]

Oh yes, friends, it’s back! It’s been entirely too long (two years too long, to be exact) and I hope you’re all ready for some more vaguely Portal-flavored nonsense. 

No real warnings for this chapter, just typical MarissaTheWriter ridiculousness. And canon character death, maybe, depending on whether or not you take the events of this chapter at face value (and, if I remember this story correctly, you probably shouldn’t).

Recap: Chell and GLaDOS have fused into one entity, P-body is pregnant, and Marissa for some reason decided that Rattman is the only one who can prevent disaster even though dude is strictly a non-action guy. She located him and now the two of them are planning on taking down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS? 

That is pretty weird, yeah. 

(I’m not even sure what she’s referencing. Maybe a play on “assault”?)

IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW!

I dunno who Sephral is, but “the buziness guy” is user ASBusinessMagnet (later a recurring character in MarissaTheWriter’s stories; I’m pretty sure we got married at one point), and “Cat Not Bouncy” is Tumblr user catbountry, who was going by “Not Cat Bountry” on Fanfiction dot net and who did a dramatic reading.

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER!

See, I told you she’d explain that. All makes sense now, right? Perfectly logical writing decision.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE

Bit of a misnomer, since this is not, in fact, the final chapter.

(Actually, if I remember correctly, MarissaTheWriter may have been writing by the seat of her pants; it’s possible she initially intended this as the True and Honest Final Battle.)

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be. 

Oh my god, she means her lair, not her layer. That literally took me years to figure out. Holy fuck.

Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. 

Considering what happens when Wheatley actually tries to be the bad guy, I think this is preferable.

We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! 

Hey, I played Portal 2, I saw the turret assembly line. It’s pretty much autonomous. She doesn’t have to build them herself, and honestly I think she’d find it beneath her.

But maybe things have changed since I left the building.

"INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had.

That’s a phenomenal amount of anger. Surprised Marissa didn’t combust on the spot.

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." 

All right! Time for some murder!

Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" 

I doubt she cares about killing Rattman, considering that she didn’t do so before and that he poses basically no threat on his own. Like I said… non-action guy.

CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. 

Okay, but does it really shoot bullets? I ask because the turrets use spring-loaded action in order to fire the entire bullet, which is obviously a hell of a lot less effective despite delivering more bullet per bullet. Explains why Chell can take so many hits without dying.

Point being, there’s no evidence Aperture Science knows how guns are supposed to work.

She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure.

But Ratman gotted up! 

What? Is he still alive?

"Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! 

…I know we’re leading up to a “balls of steel” joke, and I shan’t comment on that, but this raises so many goddamn questions. How do you replace your testicles with personality cores? A personality core is a hell of a lot bigger, and heavier, than a human testicle. Also, Space Core is in space, so how did Rattman get ahold of him? Did he shrink the cores somehow? How did this make him immune to bullets? How did he fit two personality cores in his pants? Why did he need to flash everybody?

My brain is hurting over this and I know it’s only in the story because the author wanted to make a stupid pun. Moving the hell on.

"IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. 

One of his tentacles? Are we in a hentai now?

"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.

Uh… what? How? I thought Marissa and Chell were both Cave and Caroline’s kids in this story. Wasn’t that established several chapters ago?

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" 

Right, we know. How is he hanging on to the portal? Can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.

CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words. 

Did she forget she spent the beginning of this story being a goth emo over the revelation that she used to be human? Like… this isn’t news anymore.

"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys. 

Hey, what the fuck is the “normal way” to have sex with a giant robot? Seriously, please inbox me if you know. It’s for a friend. I swear.

But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died.

Why did Aperture Science have a sperm sample from Rattman on file? How did they get DNA from Caroline, since her physical human body no longer exists? How does Rattman know about the mixup? Who carried the baby to term? How did two white people birth a woman of color? How did two white people birth a woman of color? I don’t know if I brought this up earlier in the MST, but I am directing that question at every “Chell is Cave and Caroline’s daughter” theorist too. You’re not off the fucking hook.

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!" 

Okay, but we know what happens when Marissa kills Chell — thanks to having consumed the “zombie taters,” Chell will just turn into a zombie. You don’t want the most tenacious woman in the world after your brains, but especially not when she’s fused with the most massive collection of wisdom to ever exist, who also hates you.

I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. 

That’s actually not the concern I expected Marissa to have. She has no problem killing disabled people, but being fused with a homicidal AI who is using your body as her puppet is A-OK, even when the victim is begging for death?

Man, this girl could use some new priorities.

"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither.

Yeah, and remember how she used to be a well-written and complex character who cannot be reduced to a mere villain and who actually likes Chell so much she keeps writing songs about it?

Sorry, there I go talking about canon again.

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" 

Hey, uh, what the fuck? 

I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY!

Who are they here to back up?

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! 

I guess that’s reasonable. I, too, feel indebted to those who give me drugs and beer.

We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole.

Co-op mode would benefit from the inclusion of this feature, I think.

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. 

Should have attached them better, I guess.

Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..."

“…not to mention, having my butt sliced off after someone used their powers a little too recklessly…”

An she dyed in my arms. "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.

Isn’t Chell gonna turn into a zombie now or are we not doing the zombie stuff anymore? Was that only because she was brain-damaged? This fic is confusing.

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me.

Oh no! Not a clikclak nose!

"LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head.

I’ve probably mentioned it before, but I love that the author of this mess has no problem writing over-the-top violence but feels the need to censor the word “bitch.”

"Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died.

Love the prose.

TO BE CONTINUED?

Yes, indeed, we’re not done with this fic yet!

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED!

Oh, yes.

CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER?

Well, seeing as she’s dead, I think it may be a bit late for that.

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN?

She actually did write that spinoff, by the way. I’ll put my MST of it up on this blog at some point.

Next chapter

[silver-pond-of-light]

Being Praskovia

The best setting for a love story is a peaceful/bustling evening city spot.

The best setting for a story on existence's futility is an early morning. The episode I am going to describe perfectly fits in the second setting, disappointing and puny in itself.

OK. I don't want any unnecessary escalations right in the beginning! There is in fact a certain kind of mornings that I enjoy - Saturday mornings. Throughout all of my January, February and some part of March I normally don't have anywhere too important to go to except for the shop to buy smth to my coffee. That's why each Saturday I wake up all revved up about all the idle hours stretching in front of me ;)

It started the same yesterday. I woke up at 5:39 (it seems to have become my habit now) and immediately started watching all the current affairs, educational programmes that I had been putting off during the whole working week. Having waded through all the usual stuff to watch, I opened my vk-chats and found something really extraordinary. My friend had sent me a link to the film both of us included in our to-watch lists looong ago. 'England Is Mine' (2017) by Mark Gill. The film, telling the story of Morrissey’s life before he met Johnny Marr and started their famous band The Smiths.

Obviously not the best biopic in the world, but the special allure about it, for me personally, is the central character, Morrissey, the future frontman of The Smiths, the band that had changed my life and encouranged my creative inclinations.

Morrissey, his passions and influences that I once revealed here http://www.passionsjustlikemine.com/influence.htm as well as in his interviews had one of the most massive impacts on my personality. I admired both his incredibly profound lyrics and everything that inspired them. 'Bedroom years' would be mentioned as a creative incubator for everything he created as a part of The Smiths or in his solo career. Being influenced by Morrissey's example, I would often seal myself off the outside world for weeks (sometimes for months) turning only to books, movies and music for comfort. That, of course, racked my senses to a dangerously harsh degree at times.

Come to think of it, much has changed in less than a year, and while I was watching the film yesterday I caught  myself thinking that my own bedroom years seemed so distant to me. As a matter of fact, I was sometimes even happy that I was no longer concentrated on books and writing during last 6 months of my living in Krasnoyarsk and lecturing at the local uni, as all those attemps at originality would often leave me empty and alienated. I guess, that was the reason why I didn’t want to stay this kind of girl living only for a written word, for whom ‘people come second or possibly third’. At some moment of my past I’d finally got it that being Morrissey was not really cool.

I was still thinking about all these things, applying some huge efforts to concentrate on what was going on on the screen, when I realised that my mom was leaving for work. I was wearing headphones and so failed to recognize that she had been trying to attract my attention to her. Apparently, for quite a time :D What she had told me then, staying at the threshold of the room, changed my whole day.

Anyone who knows me is also aware of the fact that my mother is an extremely nice person. You can sense it straight away watching the way she laughs, uses her gestures or the way she smiles while thinking about smth. It takes just a fraction of a second to grasp her warm-hearted nature, void of offence. It is evident to whoever approaches her. And, well, she is often the one to be approached, especially by strangers! It has always made me wonder and laugh when strangers come to her asking for directions. Almost each time me go out together there is at least one person who would approach my mom, asking how to come from A to B. We have got used to it. But the day before yesterday my mom met a woman who had made some striking impression on her, and she couldn’t help sharing that.

My mom told me that she was walking home from the musical school on Surikova street she works at, when some woman suddenly approached her. As you might have already guessed, the woman wanted to know how to come to one department store in the city centre. My mom explained her how to get there and, what’s very typical of her, decided to accompany the woman. Soon she learnt the stranger’s name - Praskovia, or better say - Praskovia the Poet. The woman happened to be very easy-going and sincere. She appeared to be in  her mid-forties. Her fragile appearance together with her modest height had obviously charmed my mother. She discovered that Praskovia used to be a literature teacher at one of the Krasnoyarsk’s schools. She told that she loved working with children, but lately she had been only engaged in writing poems. Having found such an appreciative audience, she shared some of them, which my mother would later describe as a true poetry, not just tasteless and trifling doggerels anyone can come up with. 

At that moment of my mom’s story I had  realised I had an urgent need to somehow hide my eyes or turn away, as I started feeling that tears were welling behind my eyes. I pretended not to be listening and glued my eyes to the screen. After noticing that, my mother told me there still was some milk for coffee in the fridge, three waffles and an apple on the table, wished me a nice day and left.

What followed was some enormous emotional whirl and deluge of tears which I couldn’t stop for about two hours. A response too bewitching and overflowing, you’d say. Reason? The simple fact that I am too far from being Praskovia at the moment. Oh, yes, it sounds all clumsy and awkward since the most instant association with this name is a song by Uma2Rman about a girl with the same name, cheated by some guy, and having to crucify her love and feeling for him to start over again. Even without knowing the stranger I’d been told about, I recognised her poetic soul. The one that I  am afraid I am starting to lose (or have I lost it already?) This wouldn’t be a great deal unless I really cared about my writing ambitions. No. It’s not about being published, it’s just about being able to capture my feelings about the world and people out there, about music I listen to, books I read, films I watch. The thing is that in the course of these six months of my calm life in Krasnoyarsk (yes, calm, despite about 20 classes a week with my students, it is not the most challenging stuff I have ever been doing) I have somehow stopped discovering music, books and films, or these discoveries are too rare compared to what was happening in my previous life. It’s clear that I have never had much free time. Striving to live up to everyone’s expectations, I was spending my days on studies, all sorts of musical, theatrical education. What’s more, it wasn’t always that I didn’t have friends or boyfriends :D for whom I also managed to find proper time. Besides, each and every free minute was filled with books and writings. I am sensible enough to recognise that Zeitnot-issues have always been present in my life, but they never posed some daunting difficulties for me. Trying  to recall when  was the last time I wrote something personal, I could only come back to the journal’s note from November, 7th - my unofficial birthday, my usual 1-person party celebrating  life’s changes. However, I don’t really remember when  was this last time when I wrote or was able to analyse smth in a deep and eloquent way. Why has it all changed? Why have I suddenly lost resemblance with Praskovia the Poet?

Let’s face it, it’s mostly because of my current occupation entitled university professor. Sounds fancy. Makes wonderful impression on strangers. And deludes into thinking that you are cool enough  to be trying harder. I could never believe that this  sort of thing may happen to me. I was always delirious in my efforts to do my best in each and every subject, astonish everyone with my academic performance. Often at the expense of health or through some other sacrifices. I was never satisfied with myself and future prospects, and I had an yearning to improve that. Favours and respect I am enjoying at the time being at the university have probably dumbed aspiration to keep up with the best. With the best of me. I am showered with all the possible attention from my students (not all of them, but still), I am used to my function at the uni and have become comfortable with it, managing classes, checking tests and correcting essays and mistakes. The outcome has been certain blindness to the mistakes I make. Being fancy and ostensibly smart has eventually become such a familiar part of my routine that there is sometimes as much incentive to notice my intellectual and creative blind spots as there is to notice ubiquitous elements like clouds, trees or usual piles of handouts on my table :D

My reaction towards poetic genius of some stranger called Praskovia, this woman I am least likely to ever meet, exposed the trap I’ve fallen into. Deep in the cell of my heart I knew about that stranded intellectual position I inflicted upon my self with all the working hours, worthless ways of spending that little time I have. I thought, without books and my writings I would be better off. I wouldn’t need to stamp at my personal insecurities, dramas and problems while describing what’s happening to me. I decided to crucify my absorbtion with knowledge and everything intellectual, thinking that would be much better to leave out all such things, at least just to get some peace of mind. Which never happens all the same!;)

After I have learnt Praskovia, I can’t cling to such way of thinking anymore. Of course, I wouldn’t like to be as fragile and, perhaps, as helpless and lost as she seems to be. I know now, it’s impossible to solve life’s challenges at a wave of syllable. But what’s also clear to me is that I am too afraid of becoming a wordless girl. So, coming back to this Russian song I’ve mentioned above I am absolutely  positive that I can crucify or supress any kind of love, but NOT the love  for writing and it’s high time to return to everything I used to be before I’d got my current position ;)

P.S.

And if you must, go to work tomorrow Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t bother For there are brighter sides to life And I should know, because I’ve seen them (But not much often)

[girutopia-blog]

one: stream of consciousness, aka there is no coherent flow of thoughts in this

i’m chilling on my balcony on like day 405 of ‘self isolation’. (i think it’s only the second week or something idk).

as someone who thrives off social interaction and physical touch, this period hasn’t been too hot for me. i’m really struggling actually and thought i’d use this as a form of outlet becos that’s what i used to do when i was like 15 and it definitely helped...sometimes.

it’s weird writing stuff on here again. tumblr used to be such a toxic place for my young, impressionable mind. i remember i had a ‘weight loss’ tumblr which was basically a place for me to find the best tips from anorexic girls. i used to reblog pictures of effy from skins doing self destructive things and look at it with heart eyes. the one thing i wanted was that oversized, damaged, coloured hair and stretchers in my ears. now i thank my mum for never allowing this but at the time it really warped my sense of identity. i didn’t feel as though i fit into any group, as i was a little chubby with shit clothes becos we had no money. i rly used to hate myself a lot more than i do now, so at least i love myself a little more. i think i’m definitely at a place where this might actually be helpful, and i’m definitely more likely to use the computer to note down my thoughts for the day rather than a notebook. i am so fucking lazy. 

at the moment, i’ve been thinking a lot, as that’s all there is to do. sometimes this is bad, as my brain tends to go from ‘i wonder how many twigs are on the grass downstairs right now’ to ‘this pandemic is going to ruin my life’. if you know me well, i am a piece of shit that annoys everyone every second, as i am far too excitable and loud all the time. i’m always surprised that i have one tiny spec of aries in my chart. also surprised my boyfriend puts up with it. my house is really small, and there’s almost no room for me to get all this energy out, so i have felt really frustrated and claustrophobic that last few days. it’s a weird feeling, because there is quite literally nothing i can do. this situation is really beyond the understanding of my small brain, and honestly i’ve just been trying to avoid thinking about it too much. i’ve been exercising, and i got a new bra so there’s some positives. my little sister has been exercising too, which is really great because i am constantly worried about her health. she doesn’t do much due to her anxiety and agoraphobia, and she likes routines as we believe she is quite far on the spectrum, so she is very unfit. her pure existence is a very prevalent source of anxiety in my life. that sounds really horrible, but it’s the truth and i don’t want to sugar coat things for myself. i love her very much, but it’s tough. being stuck inside with someone like her is really challenging, even more so when we both don’t have our own space. 

i’ve worked out how to make a nice coffee for myself though. i found the right brand, right milk and right ratio of coffee to sugar. i’ve been drinking at least 3 a day, trying to work out whats’ perfect. the worst part is, it’s still a pretty shitty coffee. i also had to buy alpro oat milk as the corner shop didn’t have koko coconut milk and i just made one with that and i hate the milk. so there’s that.

thriller movies have also become somewhat part of my routine. i don’t know why, because they give me wild nightmares, but i really enjoy them. last night i watched ‘the invitation’ and it was rollercoaster ride. 

*spoiler alert* 

 it was about some dude whose kid died, and his wife (now ex wife since the kid died) joins some cult and ends up trying to kill him and all his friends. this lead to me having the craziest nightmare, where i was on a school trip and all these random people from my distant past kept showing up trying to kill me. i’m not gonna stop watching thriller movies though.

one of my favourite songs at the moment is ‘if you want to’ by beadadobee. its such a nice summer song. i’m pretty bummed we are in lockdown in the beginning of spring/summer. this is my favourite weather. i just want a fruity cider/nice glass of wine with my boyfriend and friends and i want to chat shit all night. virtual meet ups don’t really fulfil that incessant need for social communication. 

one of the main ways i cope with bad/disaster scenarios is to imagine the story i’ll have to tell. in my small 23 years of life, i have been THROUGH it. and unfortunately, 2020 hasn’t been any easier. but i will have so many lessons to teach, so many stories to tell and so many life experiences. things may be bad, but i know i will always come out the other side stronger with a new experience. however, it isn’t always easy to remember this. 

keep ur head up. this isn’t forever. 

(it feels like fucking forever, though.)

[thedailyjoyfulstruggle]

Criminals and Humans

“How can you work with those criminals? Aren’t you afraid? How can you stand to be around them and teach them? Don’t you want to just punish them? Aren’t they terrible people? Have you been robbed? Can they even read?”

I teach my students and I love them because they are me and I am them. My students don’t want to be “criminals.” They didn’t wake up one day and say, “Man, I want to fuck up my life, be angry, sell drugs and be a general disrespectful human being.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, 

“I want to be good but it’s so hard.” 

This is the human condition. This is the struggle we all face daily. 

Have my students made poor decisions? Absolutely. Am I going to rehabilitate them into model citizens by letting them write in their notebook for 30 days? No. 

I’m working against 16 years of conditioning that tells them that violence is the answer, that “respect” is worth killing for, that they belong in the projects, prison or the NFL; that self-medicating is okay as long as you don’t get arrested, that it’s normal to have been arrested at least once, that all cops and all white people are out to get them, that being nice to people means you’re weak...the list goes on.

I get 50 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Then they go home and resume life. Some days, it feels futile and I just want to cry. Most days, knowing that they have a place in the world to be a student, a child, a human being (rather than a gang member or a “bad kid” or the head of the house) brings me hope. Sometimes all people need is a glimmer. No, I can’t change the world. I can’t change the entire course of their lives but I can change 50 minutes of their day. I can transport them with literature. I can ask more of them. I can see their humanity. I can show them kindness and compassion. I can hold them accountable for their choices in my room. I can ask them to work and think deeply, daily.

These are the things I can do. They seem small but when the tide is overwhelming, just a little bit of air can make all the difference.

For the first two weeks of school, this one kid was stone cold. He didn’t speak to anyone. He sat alone with his arms crossed and listened. He never shared during discussion. Then he started reading a book that spoke to him, a book in which he saw himself and the ice began to melt. He started to smile, to greet his classmates and myself. He changed before my very eyes from this hard drug dealer into the kindest young man I’ve ever known. I learned that he liked the song “Oceans” by Hillsong. He liked soft music and not loud rap. We learned all kinds of stuff about this guy.

On his last day, he came into my classroom before school with the tiniest gift bag I’d ever seen. He held it out, “This is for you, miss. I got you this for your baby.” I took the bag and found that he’d smashed a set of onesies and some baby shoes inside. “I was going to get you roses, too, but I didn’t know if they would let me bring those through the metal detector.” This had never happened to me before and I was completely overcome. “Go to class before I start crying. Thank you so much,” was all I could muster. He walked away smiling. 

He was halfway through his book and was disappointed that he wasn’t going to be able to finish it. So, I wrote his name inside and told him he could have it. “You give this to me? Wow, miss. You gonna make me cry.” Pure gift.

The best part came when he said goodbye to our class (on their last day, students are always given a chance to address the class, say goodbye and give advice and encouragement). Rogelio wasn’t a talker but he told his peers this, 

“Thank you for teaching me to be myself. I didn’t know that was okay before.”

Sometimes my students find their dignity in their class community. Sometimes they see themselves, they behold their beauty as they’ve written it on the page. Sometimes they see themselves being seen by someone they thought was their enemy, and that makes all the difference.

Am I saving lives? No. I can’t save anyone’s life but I can encourage them to save their minds. Am I rescuing them from their destitution? No. I’m just walking with them a little bit of the way. Will they remember me when they leave? Maybe. Right now, I’m the crazy pregnant lady who makes them write too much and won’t let them sleep in class. I’m okay with that because I think they know that this crazy, pregnant lady loves them.

But more than ever, the world feels heavy, divided and scary. We’re so busy looking around for an enemy that we forget that the enemy is within each of us. The enemy is all of the hate, jealousy, intolerance, indifference, presumption, pride, violence, rage and ignorance that lives in each one of us. It is precisely this that makes us feel the need to box people up and ship them away.

Those fighting for social justice can forget that taking the rights of any human being is a the very form of oppression against which they are fighting; stereotyping and making blanket statements about people who have pissed them off is the very form of oppression against which they are fighting; committing acts of violence to gain power is the very form of oppression against which they are fighting.

“In order for this struggle to have meaning, the oppressed must not, in seeking to regain their humanity (which is a way to create it), become in turn oppressors of the oppressors, but rather restorers of the humanity of both. This then, is the great humanistic and historical task of the oppressed: to liberate themselves and their oppressors as well.”  -Paolo Freire

Nobody gets free by enslaving others. Nobody changes by silencing others. Unity doesn’t come by demonizing others, nor does it come by allowing injustices to occur. If we all really wanted peace, we’d talk to each other, we’d fight for each other, we’d see each other, really see each other as humans with equal dignity and humanity. Love (and love is tough, not fluffy) is the fight. Compassion, the realest of the real kind, is the fight. Anything else just makes things worse.

One of our former students is facing charges of capital murder (along with his two older brothers and an older accomplice). This student is white and the boy that was murdered was a black boy. The narrative, as told by the public, is one we’ve seen before, “If it was a white boy who was killed, everyone would be in uproar! The black boy would already be charged!” “These white boys are going to get away with it because of white privilege!” The fact is, people should be in uproar, not just because yet another black boy is dead or because a white boy has thrown his life down the drain. No, the reality is that a life, an irreplaceable life, was taken. Someone is dead, a human being no longer breathes. The real tragedy is that the circumstances they found themselves in brought on the greatest form of destruction of the human race.

The facts are simple: The Garrison boys are broken and have done terrible things. X’s life situation wasn’t perfect, he was in a bad situation that ultimately caused him to lose his life. All these young men had already faced some of the ugliest realities of the world because of the circumstances into which they were born. In this case, there is no such thing as one person having more privilege or dignity than the other--unless you consider being in jail, being a convicted felon, or being killed a privilege or a source of dignity.

Kyle threw a desk and cussed out the entire room in the first, and only, 30 seconds he was in my room. My other students cussed him out and yelled back. Nobody changed. Kyle didn’t change at all until someone was kind to him. The last thing he said to me was, “I want to do good now.” Unfortunately, his intentions weren’t enough. He reverted back to his old ways because he reentered the world that made him and continued to make choices he’d made before.

It would be easier to make sense of this kind of violence if we could make statements like, “All white people are rich and don’t face the problems black people do,” or “All black kids commit crimes because they think they can get away with it,” be true. Maybe that’s why we try so hard to make people fit into blanket statements; it’s easier to pick an enemy that way. But, this isn’t the way it is. In fact, looking at the facts is far worse than anything those statements carry. The fact is the three brothers experienced horrors that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. X faced turmoil I can’t imagine. The fact is, both boys were victims of the same problem: the system as a whole.

People think I’m crazy when I express compassion for the culprits of the murder. Like having compassion for them makes me blind to the fact that they have committed horrible acts or callous to the pain they caused an entire family, but doing bad things doesn’t strip them of their humanity, nor does it put them outside of the bounds of compassion. Acknowledging their goodness actually makes what they did worse. They weren’t made for that and yet, here we are. Compassion at its best knows no bounds and it certainly doesn’t create the latest crazy white man monster on the front page news or the black criminal who has met his demise.

I’ve been guilty of reading a horrible news story (there are plenty to go around), seeing the oppressor and thinking, “Man, another white guy killing folks because he can.” Then I have to check myself. Is this making me whole? Is this making me more compassionate? Is this kind of thinking closing the gaping divide that brings about hate and violence?

We need to teach each other how to make suffering--which is inevitable for all of us--beautiful, fruitful and a source of compassion rather than a wound that festers and turns a whole generation bitter.

Preaching the gospel of justice is only radical if you refuse to make anyone your scapegoat. Waving the flag of equality only works if you really mean that every person, even one who doesn’t see you, is worthy of dignity and respect.

We become the oppressors the second we become blind to anyone outside of our cause. This kind of thinking doesn’t make anyone free and it certainly doesn’t make us whole.