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alwaysgurl43 · 4 years

Text

Her Missing Partner

Word Count: 1564

Warnings: None that I can think of

Author’s Note: This is a #Beckettines21 gift for @caskettinlove. I tried to incorporate some of the things you love into it and this fits in to the timeline right before 4x22 (Originally it was going to split into the episode but my muse did not work that way. I did rewatch the episode just for you though:D) Enjoy!

Coffee had always been their special thing. Even when nothing in the day went right or their case was nothing but dead ends- they always had coffee. Usually Castle was the one bringing it to her, but sometimes she returned the favor. But something about this case- the case of her missing partner- adding with the lack of caffeine that was making it where she couldn’t figure out the missing piece. She couldn’t come to terms with the missing piece. Or maybe she just didn’t want to come to terms with it.

Castle is the missing piece. Even when they don’t have active cases, he’s usually here trying to throw out anything to drive her crazy. But he hasn’t been here in almost twenty four hours. Kate’s eyebrows pull together as she stares at the murder board, filled with the information from the case they closed yesterday. Castle should be here. He always has a place to fit here like a missing puzzle piece fits into a puzzle, but it almost feels like he doesn’t want his place any longer. There’s something that is pushing him farther away, and the only thing that would make sense can’t possibly be true. The only thing she could think is pushing him away would be if he found out that she remembers, that she lied. But how could he?

“No Castle?” Espo’s voice cuts into her thoughts. While she might be missing hers, his partner is by his side.

“Uh, I haven’t heard from him today. But where are you at with finishing up the write up?”

“Maybe don’t make him make the first step.” Ryan throws out, ignoring her question.

“What do you mean?”

“Phones work both directions.” Espo tacks on before the two head off towards their own projects.

She knows the boys are right. She should reach out to Castle. Finding out what’s going through his mind, why he’s running from her, how to fix everything. Maybe, coffee can help with this too.

Standing outside his door, cups in hand, she realizes the thing she didn’t think about. How is she going to knock on the door with two cups of coffee? Moving from foot to foot, she finally stacks the cups on top of each other so she has a hand to knock. On the other side, she can heard noises, so someone is definitely home, she’s just not sure who will answer the door.

“Ka-Beckett? What are you doing here?”

“Thought my partner could use a caffeine boost. I figured you had to be writing.” She holds the cup out to him and could almost laugh at their accidentally twinning. The navy of his button down matches hers. Her jeans could literally be cut from the same cloth as his, apart from how skinny hers are. “Great minds.” She mentions, motioning towards their clothing.

“Yeah, something like that. Did I forget I had to be somewhere? I usually only get home visits if I did.”

“No. I mean not technically. We haven’t seen you in…” Kate trails off, not wanting to admit her tracking of how long it’s been since she saw him. “I thought I should check in on you.”

“I’m fine. Just busy. I have a life outside the 12th remember?” The words are harsh and unforgiving as they leave his lips. His eyes have gone icy instead of the ocean warmth she normally feels.

“What did I do, Castle?” She wants to fix this. She wants to make everything better so that she can have him back, her partner, her… her Castle.

“Why does everything have to be about you, Kate?” He counters harshly.

“If it wasn’t about me, why are you so angry with me?” Kate can’t stop the hand that comes to rest on her hip. “If you need to yell, yell at me. But please don’t shut me out Castle.”

“Isn’t that how you prefer things to be done though? It wasn’t me that hid away for months. I leave you be for not even two days and suddenly you’re knocking down my door, making demands?”

“Because this isn’t you. You’re the dependable one. You’re the one I know that I can turn to when I need someone to bounce ideas off of or find a crazy theory that just might fit a case. You’re not the one who goes running. That’s me. I run, but I’m trying to get better. Trying to make it where we no longer don’t talk about the things that matter.”

“You’re actually wanting to talk about things now? Did you ever think it might be too late for that?”

“I’m hoping it’s not. Because someone taught me that hope is a powerful thing. And I have a lot of it now. So whatever I did, talk to me Castle, because I can’t figure it out.”

Finally, Castle can’t keep it in anymore. “It’s what you didn’t do.” The words slip out on one breath. “Why couldn’t you just tell me? You lied to me for months instead of just telling me and letting me off easily.”

“Let you off easily? Castle, what are you talking about?” He knows she lied. But how he figured it out and when, she has no idea.

“Just because I feel a certain way didn’t mean that you had to. That wasn’t why I told you. I told you how I felt because I couldn’t live without you knowing. Especially when…” He trails off before starting a new thought. “But no one said you had to feel the same way. I get it- I’m frustrating and childish and there are times when I don’t know where the line is drawn. But even with all of that, I don’t think I deserved being lied to. You could have just told me Kate. I could have dealt with you not feeling the same way. But lying to me, for months? What kind of a partner- no what kind of a person does that?”

Kate can only focus on one part of what he said. “You think I lied to you because I don’t feel the same way?”

Castle seems to ignore this question. “You shut me out. It’s so common at this point it didn’t even surprise me. When things are hard, you run from it. But, if you had just told me, I would have gotten out of your hair.” Castle tacks on, running a hand through his own.

“That’s the last thing I ever wanted Castle.”

“What do you want then? Because I’ve tried looking at this from every angle and there’s none that make any sense. If you don’t feel the same, why keep me around?”

“No one said I don’t feel the same Castle.” Kate pushes a lock of hair behind her ear. “Well, no one but you.” A rarity happens with that statement, the writer lost for words.

“I-you-what?”

“No one said I don’t feel the same way except for you.” Kate repeats the sentiment. Maybe it will click with him that she does feel the same, she just didn’t know how to bring it up after all this time had passed.

“If that were the case, why did you lie?” Castle doesn’t seem to be letting this get his hopes up. He’s been dealing with this for the past few weeks. He’d already accepted that Kate would never be with him. So why now? Why say this?

“The same reason I built a wall. If I let people get close it risks them getting hurt and I couldn’t risk that, not with you Rick. I learned over time that if I was strong on my own, that others wouldn’t-couldn’t worm their way in to break me. It was easier.”

“It sounds lonelier.”

“Maybe. But I lost someone I loved when I was young. I didn’t want to risk that kind of hurt again. You said it yourself. I hide in relationships with men I don’t love. It’s easier than risking everything and losing it all.”

“So hiding, running, all of that is to stop your heart from getting hurt?” Castle prompts. Kate nods slowly, before taking a long sip of the latte that will always remind her of Castle.

“That’s what Dr. Burke says I’ve been doing too. What he’s been trying to get me to not do anymore I guess.”

“Dr. Burke?”

“My therapist. He’s been helping me for a while.”

“I didn’t know you were in therapy.”

“I didn’t want to make excuses anymore. I wanted to be able to face everything that happened that day and no longer run from it.”

“And are you there?”

“Almost. And that wall I was telling you about, I think it’s almost all the way down. I’d like my partner to be there when it comes down.”

“I’d like to be there too.” Castle admits.

“So will you come back? To the 12th? The boys miss you.”

“I think I can. If the boys are missing me after all. Can’t let them down.”

“Can’t let the boys down.” Kate repeats his sentence.

“Or my partner.” Rick says reaching for Kate’s hand. They don’t usually have big touchy feely moments, but in the small moments of being able to hold her hand or hold her close, he’ll take all of it. Kate smiles up at him as she gently squeezes his hand back.

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