#because when i finally was like hey…….maybe i have…….autism? and mentioned to a friend (while half terrified i was going to get laughed at)

[sunriseverse]

xue yang strikes me as the type that evaded the autism diagnosis due to Everything Else so it wasn’t even considered and bc his traits are so different than xxc’s and sl’s he doesn’t even know. song lan doesn’t know either. xxc has a inkling. but half the time sl thinks xy is irritating him on purpose. xy doesnt even know what he did wrong!!!!!! he also doesn’t know he’s stimming and he can’t quite put in words that he feels like he HAS to do it without thinking he sounds ridiculous. surely no one would understand that? right? (real pity, because if he could articulate it then song lan would probably know what he’s talking about.) they’re both very upset and they’re not going to talk about it either. [jump to a week later] *xxc voice* We are having an Autism Talk. Sit down.

but on a lighter note after xue yang actually does find out what stimming is he definitely purchases booty shorts with “STIM TOY ❤️” on the ass. xiao xingchen loves it. song lan thinks it’s funny but he won’t admit it he’s like wow that is so stupid xue yang. meanwhile as he’s saying this xxc is like *squish* *squish* *squish* *squish* *squi

YES YES YES WXACTLY. LIKE. YOU GO YOUR WHOLE LIFE THIS WAY AND YOURE LIKE. THIS IS STUPID I CANT TELL ANYONE BECAUSE THEYLL JUST TELL ME IM BEING WEIRD AND DOING IT ON PURPOSE. BUT THEN……..IT WAS LE AUTISMÉ ALL ALONG!!!!!!

also laughing myself to DEATH over that concept. you’re right he WOULD have those shorts 100%. he gets the diagnosis and he’s like a qing. give me your laptop i’m blocked on taobao but i need to make a very important purchase. and then they all reap the rewards of it <3 (except a qing who has to watch them be DISGUSTING and do PDA in her PRESENCE………qing-jie i’m so fucking sorry you deserve to be paid recompense for this.)

[starfast]

So you want to write an autistic character

So I watched the trailer for Sia’s movie just to see if it really was that bad. Spoiler alert: Yes it is. It made me feel like Sia was making fun of me for two and a half minutes. But it also made me really fucking angry because there’s not autism representation to begin with, and most of what we do have isn’t really that great, which is what drove me to make this post. I don’t have many followers so even if like 3 people see this, then at least that’s 3 people who have seen this.  

What would I like to see less of

Literally incapable of detecting sarcasm: “Wait,” you say, “But Starfast, there are autistic people out there who are like this!” Sure, there might be, but for me personally detecting sarcasm is a lot less difficult than literally every autistic character has made it out to be. Yes, there are times where it goes right over my head but those times are usually when there’s not enough context for me to figure out whether the person is being sarcastic or not. Some of us actually are able to tell when you’re being sarcastic, it usually depends on context.

The “Sheldon Cooper”:  Autism is really diverse and yet I feel like 99% of autistic characters are basically all just carbon copies of Sheldon Cooper from BBT. They’re maybe overly formal, blunt, or have a hard time picking up social cues. And while these are all things that are commonly associated with autism (although this type of character rarely shows any major downsides to having autism, more on that later), like I said earlier, autism is different for everyone. Not all of us are going to feel represented by this type of character. Honestly I don’t even relate to a lot of autistic characters because they just keep reusing the same autistic stock characters and that’s really disheartening to me. It’s almost like they’re not making autistic characters for autistic people.

The Burden: This probably doesn’t need to be explained that much but it was the one thing that really pissed me off about S**’s movie. In the trailer, I really got the very distinct impression that the older sister saw Music as a burden. Her life was just oh so difficult because she had this autistic sister. No one wants to be thought of that way. And idk if you neurotypicals know this but autistic people have feelings and we hear it loud and clear when you say these kinds of things and it hurts. 

Using autism as a punchline: I think it’s fine to have an autistic character to provide comic relief, BUT! if your comic relief involves laughing at an autistic character’s very autistic behaviour then you’re doing it wrong. This kind of goes back to my first point- the reason why I hate seeing the “incapable of detecting sarcasm” character is because it’s almost exclusively played for laughs. Please stop making fun of us. 

What would I like to see more of

Diversity: I feel like this doesn’t really need much explaining. Autism can affect anyone regardless of age, race, gender, sexuality, etc. And yet most autistic characters I’ve encountered are straight white guys. Let’s see more girls, more POCs, more LGBT+ who are autistic. 

Obvious drawbacks/struggles: When I talked about the Sheldon Cooper-type character I mentioned that this type of character doesn’t really seem to face many challenges that are directly related to autism. What I mean by this is that sometimes they’ll maybe just miss the odd social cue and it’s kinda embarrassing but it rarely gets worse than that. An autistic character is going to face challenges that a neurotypical won’t ever have to deal with and if you don’t acknowledge that then you’re not really properly portraying an autistic character. Show more autistic characters struggling to make friends, having meltdowns or experiencing sensory overload, having a hard time articulating themselves. The list goes on, honestly. 

Actually saying it: Have you ever seen it where there’s a certain character and a bunch of people go “hey, that character seems like they could be [insert literally any minority] and then the creator goes “Oh, yeah that’s totally what I intended!” I personally don’t really like this, because it feels kind of disingenuous. If you’re going to write an autistic character, it would be nice to have that brought up within the story. Autism isn’t a dirty word, you’re allowed to say it. The only exception I can think of would be if you’re writing a historical fiction or some other setting where autism hasn’t been recognized but most examples I can think of don’t fall into that category whoop there it is. 

Literally just anything that isn’t a stereotype. This seems to be setting the bar pretty low, but it still needs to be said. Autism looks different for everyone and just because someone doesn’t fit the mold for a stereotypical autistic person doesn’t mean they’re not autistic. No one wants to be represented by a stereotype. 

“I’m not autistic but I want to write an autistic character. Can I do that?” 

I can’t speak for the entire autistic community when I answer this but my opinion is yes, it’s ok provided that you’re being respectful and doing research beyond reading symptoms off of WebMD. That being said, here’s my final advice: 

Listen and talk to autistic people: If you’re not listening to the group you’re trying to represent then you’re not doing a good job. There are lots of people here out there who would be willing to answer your questions or be a sensitivity reader. There’s a lot of people here on tumblr who are willing to answer your questions (you can even ask me, but I’m just one person and I don’t have all the answers. I’d recommend talking to multiple people). 

Autism Speaks is not your friend: There’s been a lot of talk about why this organization sucks, but it mostly boils down to trying to end autism and not actually helping us. So make sure you’re steering clear of them while you’re doing your research. 

Reddit and Quora are actually great resources: Reason being is that these kinds of sites will give you lots of first hand information about being autistic, and that’s the best kind of information to have, usually. Most sites will just list symptoms, but the right reddit/quora thread will provide more insight about how these symptoms affect their daily life. Additionally, you’ll have multiple people offering their own views and since autism is so different for everyone it’s good to have more than one person’s opinion (psst... this tip works for writing other minority characters too!) 

[duchessofostergotlands]

Hi, jess! A couple of months ago I sent you an ask about a reality tv show (the farm) and a participant who has bpd (she didn’t win the 1 million price, btw - but she was so happy when she found out that a good portion of the public supported her, specially women ❤️ she’s famous because of only fans and most of her followers on social media, before her participation on the show, were men. So she said she was happy to see so many women supporting and following her now). Anyway while watching the show, I realized many of her behaviors were so similar to mine. Then my mom and sister, who live with me, told me they noticed that too. I decided to ask my psychiatrist and psychologist (I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 10 years), but both didn’t give it much credit. At the time I agreed with them - they said I probably don’t have bpd because the behaviors I was describing only happens when I’m home, with people I trust. I’m very “controlled” when I’m with other people, including my dad (who hasn’t lived with me since I was a kid). The point is, I’m ALWAYS making a huge effort trying to control myself in public - it’s exhausting and I believe it’s one of the reasons I tend to isolate myself. I think I’ve actually learned to camouflage my feelings and to avoid things that trigger me. I used to be more “uncontrolled” as a kid, before I created this deep rooted fear that people’d leave me because of these behaviors and reactions. Do you think it’s possible to camouflage some of bpd’s symptoms? And, if so, do you have any tips on how I could talk to my psychiatrist and psychologist about it? —— I didn’t want to make this ask any longer than it already is, but one of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with autism. We don’t talk much nowadays, but she messaged me last month to tell me about her diagnosis and to ask if I felt I had some of the same treats - thinking retrospectively, we were very alike. It made a lot of sense and I remembered you said sth about bpd and autism sharing some similarities in some aspects of how the brain works. She also told me about recent studies showing the underreported diagnosis in women. My psychiatrist and psychologist also dismissed it, because I don’t avoid eye contact and have friends. I’m really confused right now, but it’s also kinda relieving to get to know myself a bit more and to think that the struggle I’ve felt my whole life is real. (Sorry for the long text!)

Hey :) Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Just like to be able to dedicate a bit of time to longer messages like this and I rarely have the attention span for it! But of course I remember the conversation, it was really interesting to hear about what the contestant went through. 

So yes, BPD and autism are often misdiagnosed as each other as there are similar traits that are often found. Usually around attractions to patterns and structure and also around empathy. Like I don’t generally feel empathy for people in the same way most people do. I’d say unless you’re a close friend or family member - or maybe if you’re a child - I probably wouldn’t feel empathy towards you. I generally make decisions about moral standpoints and such based on what logically makes sense to me rather than any kind of emotional connection because I just don’t really feel that. I think the reasons autistic people may sometimes struggle with empathy are different but to an external person would seem very similar so can often be confused. 

To address your two points that made you unsure about the diagnoses, BPD is definitely highly interpersonal so it can change drastically depending on who you’re with. I can be friends with someone for quite a while and they have no idea but if I’m in a romantic or physical relationship with someone they’ll know within a few days. Romantic relationships are my personal trigger so they’re where I struggle the most. Then in terms of autism, lack of eye contact doesn’t really mean anything. I think that’s a common misconception people have but two of my cousins are autistic and they were both very outgoing and friendly, they were incredibly tactile, I didn’t notice them not looking me in the eye but I probably don’t look people in the eye much because that feels weird haha. Women in particular are not well studied when it comes to autism as you kind of mentioned. They are generally better at “masking” and so are often misdiagnosed or their condition isn’t picked up until well into adulthood. So even if you have friends and can look people in the eye it wouldn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t fit the criteria. 

I wouldn’t want to diagnose you with anything myself as I’m not a professional and I don’t know you personally. The DSM outlines the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. You have to demonstrate at least five of the following and as with all mental illnesses they have to cause a significant impact on your ability to carry out your responsibilities and go through daily life:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Those are the criteria that would most likely be used to assess you. In the UK we can be diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a GP but have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a PD diagnosis. It sounds like you’ve already been in contact with them. I’m not too sure how it works where you are. Can you get a second opinion? Are there other doctors you could make an appointment with? Could you go private? I’m very aware of the fact that having the NHS in the UK means that my experiences are not applicable to everyone’s circumstances but for me when I first went to get help I was given meds and a depression and anxiety diagnosis and sent on my way. When that didn’t help I went back and got a higher dosage. And then it still didn’t help and finally I was kind of at rock bottom (or I thought so at the time) and needed help and so what I did on that occasion was have a friend accompany me into the room. They had created a list of things they’d seen me do or heard about me doing that were concerning to them and gave them to the doctor, and they kind of backed me up and gave me moral support. It shouldn’t have taken someone else being in the room for me to be taken seriously but having someone there who could express what I might have been too shy or self conscious to say was really helpful. In the end I got referred for treatment and it wasn’t right for me ultimately as my problems were more complex but it helped for a bit. I don’t know if there’s anyone in your life you trust to be able to be there to support you but I think it can be really intimidating to push back with doctors and professionals and having someone there who knows you and cares about you can be the thing that gives you that extra bit of courage you need. 

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I’m available if you want to ask me any questions about BPD or any explanations of how I experience the symptoms or anything like that :) 

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

Miranda

This is a story set within my Bioshock Rebirth AU. A reimaging/reboot of the Bioshock franchise. https://geekgemsspookyblog.tumblr.com/post/626141727587270656/bioshock-rebirth-timeline-this-is-a-timeline-of-an Just as a heads up if anyone is wondering about the context. I’ve had some stories in my drafts for a long time now and I’m finally publicly sharing them.

I’m finally gonna write this story. I just wanna admit this was a story idea I think I’ve had since August. Who’s Miranda exactly? She’s basically a Little Sister OC. In all seriousness this isn’t your first appearance. But this will be I guess her real or better introduction. I’ve joked about her and mentioned her to friends like @feckinatlas and @fishtankinhouse

Amazingly this story was inspired by @pikablob​ who made this Owl House fic here. https://pikablob.tumblr.com/post/625383445502246912/squishes-pikablob-the-owl-house-cartoon I’ve been just lazy to write this. I made this post in the drafts when I was living in the guest room while my room was being remodeled.

Miranda is a character that just....I guess she came to life on her own when I thought of that story. Or just the idea if one of those Little Sisters had Autism. This was inspired by a couple of things or whatever. I love this character. Despite I haven’t thought much of her. I should just write this dang story. I’ll talk about other details in another post somewhere. 

Archie and Elizabeth were in Tenenbaum’s safehouse. As of now after going tough missions sent to Archie by Atlas. It was nice to catch a breath finally. As they were safe in this area. Where the rescued Little Sisters could stay safe from harm. While Brigid was working her make shift lab and checking her supplies. The two young adults were playing with the children. They genuinely liked being around the kids. It felt like a nice break after the nightmares going on in this city. It was reminding them of what else was at stake. That they weren’t just trying to escape or help out the poorer citizens of Rapture. But these children as well.

They were living in what was a sewer section of the slums. Reasons why because Brigid knew she couldn’t do her progress in her own apartment. After being made public of what she had done. The public demonized her. Many people wanted her dead.

Brigid was lucky to find a place where sewer workers had set up a living space. Because sometimes the workers would live here in case if a pipe was busted or so. There were some rooms for some people to sleep in. It wasn’t much. But over the past 4 years, she gradually tried to make it a living space. A makeshift lab, one shower with one bathtub in one bathroom, two rooms with two beds in each, a little dining area, and one laundry room. Brigid was grateful to find a little place like this. The biggest space was where the children would sleep in bunkbeds.

For the past 4 years she gradually got resources around certain places. Especially toys for the kids if more were to live here. It was so hard yet she kept trying. She tried to make it seem like a daycare center for them. To make those kids feel welcomed. Along with making sure they knew where to go the bathroom. It took a long while. But she seemed to have gotten it handled.

The children took kindly to Elizabeth. Probably because it was rare for the children to see another woman other than Mama Tenenbaum. She got along with them just fine. Despite never dealing with children before. She was like a big sister to them. If she had the time, she would hang out with them. Considering Brigid was mostly at work or so. Even though she tried to make the place as comfy as possible. 

While at one moment, Elizabeth did hear a mention from a little one that she reminded her of someone like her. But Elizabeth didn’t understand. Maybe it was someone else she knew. Elizabeth didn’t dwell on it.

Archie never dealt with children too. Yet he was so gentle with them. In fact kind of like Elizabeth. He seemed to really enjoy being around them. They looked to him as if he was a older brother. He had rescued them and made sure they were safe. While Elizabeth had Bluto growing up. Archie hardly had anyone. To him interacting with these children who genuinely liked him made him feel less lonely than how he usual was. 

The two young adults were sitting on the floor crisscrossed. Elizabeth took time drawing on some papers with crayons with Sally. While Archie played with some trying to build a castle with blocks.

“That’s a pretty flower Sally.” Elizabeth told the girl. Sally had colored the drawn flower yellow. “I’m gonna draw a blue one. Tell me what you think of it after I’m done.” She told her.

When she began drawing her own flower. Another little one had come across her.

“Miss Elizabeth.” The little girl asked her.

“Hi Miranda. What is it?” Elizabeth asked the girl who approached her.

“Can I....touch your cheeks please?” Miranda asked her.

Elizabeth was confused. She questioned why Miranda wanted to do that. But it didn’t seem like anything bad.

“Umm sure you can do that.” Elizabeth told her as she put down the blue crayon and looked at Miranda. After that Miranda decided to calmly put her hands on her cheeks. With then Miranda squishing them a bit. Elizabeth felt a bit confused. Yet Miranda was a sweet girl that she recalled. Yet the squishing went on for a minute. Then another minute. Archie was a bit confused seeing it. But Elizabeth didn’t interrupt her. But after those two minutes, Miranda had decided to stop. 

“Is....there anything else you need?” Elizabeth asked the girl.

“No” Miranda told her. The little girl just walked away. After that Elizabeth was just confused. Maybe she liked her face or something. 

10 minutes had passed. Elizabeth and Archie decided to check in with Brigid to see if she was doing fine. The kids were just doing their own things. Considering the young adults needed a break.

“Hello Miss Tenenbaum” Elizabeth told her. 

“Hey Dr. Tenenbaum” Archie told her as well.

“Hi you too. I saw you were enjoying yourselves.” Brigid told them.

“Yeah it was nice honestly. It was nice just hanging around them more.” Elizabeth told her.

“I saw Miranda was squishing your face.” Brigid said.

“You saw that too?” Archie asked.

“Yes I did see it. Well I mean there’s clear glass here.” Brigid laughed a little after saying that.

“Oh yeah sorry.” Archie said. Forgetting that Brigid could she what was going on in that room.

“Umm Miss Tene-no I’m sorry Brigid” Elizabeth got Brigid’s attention. She just seemed so polite calling Brigid that. Even though Brigid told her she could call her by her first name.

“Yes Elizabeth.” Brigid answered.

“Why do you think she did that?” Elizabeth asked her. 

“Ah yes. Why she did that. You two know what Autism is right?” Brigid asked them.

“I have read about it in my books.” Elizabeth told her. 

“Yeah I know about it.” Archie said as well.

“Well...she has it.” Brigid told them. The two looked surprised a bit after hearing that. 

“Are you being honest with us?” Archie asked her. “I’m sorry to ask.” He told her

“Yes I am and it’s fine Archie. She’s one of the few I know who has it.” Brigid told them as she held a pen in right hand as she looked through the glass. “I wanted to tell you two that. I’ve just been busy and I think you’ve may of noticed she kind of keeps to herself.” Brigid was right. Miranda always seemed shy. She wasn’t a bad kid. Yet she acted differently than some of the other girls. Even though she got along with them. She was usually maybe playing with a little toy train or whatever else.

“How did you find out she had Autism?” Elizabeth asked her. “I read it’s could be tricky to find out if a child may have it.” Elizabeth continued on.

“Because I have it too.” Brigid told them. The two young adults stared at her. Brigid was just still looking through the glass until she looked back the two adults. “Ja I get it. It doesn’t seem like it. But trust me. You start to notice some similar traits.” She said as she decided to look through her drawers to find something. After that she found what she was looking for and got up to get closer to them.

“Again I’ve been busy. When I’m not. I try to tend for them as much as possible. Despite of what I’ve done to them. Especially Miranda.” Brigid said as she wanted to show them something. It was some sort of tangle thing.

“What’s that?” Elizabeth asked. She was curious of what she was seeing.

“A little stim toy I made. I will admit, I made this when I first got her here.” Brigid told them. “The first time she was here. She wasn’t acting right. She was in a pouty mood at times. I think she didn’t like the place here. Sometimes she would have a meltdown. So a lot of times I had to hold on to her and calm her down.” Brigid told them. “I will admit....it was strange seeing someone like me going through a different way of experiencing a disability like that. Because we’re all different.” Brigid continued on.

“But you know considering her new surroundings. It bothered some of the other girls. I knew I always wouldn’t be here to comfort her. Especially in a city like this. So I made this. She was confused by it at first. But when I gave it to her. She loved it.” Brigid told them. “Heh will admit I do like it myself.” Brigid said.

“Why are you telling us this?” Elizabeth asked.

“Because I felt it was important. I just hoped you won’t bothered by her squishing your face. I had worried maybe she needs this. Which is why I’m telling you about it.” Brigid told her. She just looked and messed with the stim toy. The two adults looked at her playing with it. “Scheiße I’m sorry I got distracted.” Brigid said as she sighed.

“Is everything okay?” Archie asked. Brigid suddenly looked saddened.

“I’ll be fine. I just remember one night when she wanted to feel safe. I allowed her to sleep in a bed with me. You know how children get nightmares they go to their parents or loved ones.” Brigid told them. “....I still remember the night she told me about her parents. That they left her at the orphanage because they thought she was....weird....” Brigid continued on as she sound more saddened after saying that.

“Are you saying her parents left her on purpose?” Archie asked.

“From what I’ve gathered....sadly yes. Because of how she is.” Brigid told them. She just looked through the glass to see Miranda keeping to herself. “She was.....strangely happy with that Big Daddy Bouncer....before I killed it.” Brigid said as she looked back at the stim toy. “She’s been here since January this year.....I wonder if she’s grateful for me. Not like I deserve it.” She then noticed Elizabeth put her hands around the stim toy. This made Brigid’s eyes widened and to look at Elizabeth.

“Hey it’s okay....I think she’s grateful to have you. And us.” Elizabeth told her. “Would you like me to take this to her?” Elizabeth asked her.

“....yes. Thank you.” Brigid nodded smiling. 

The two young adults went back out. Some sisters were on their beds resting. While some minded their own business. Miranda sat in a corner with her little train she just pushed back and forth. During that moment she was in her little world. She then noticed the two adult’s shadows pop up behind her. With her head turning around to the right.

“Hi” Miranda said softly.

“Hey Miranda.” Elizabeth told her softly. The two adults sat down close to her.

“Hey there. You feeling okay?” Archie asked Miranda.

“I’m okay. Did I make Miss Elizabeth sad or mad?” Miranda asked him.

“Oh no you didn’t. I was just confused of why you squished my face.” Elizabeth said. 

“I think your cheeks look nice.” Miranda told them. “They looked soft.” She continued on.

“Yeah they are soft.” Elizabeth smiled softly. She revealed the stim toy. “You remember this?” She asked the little girl.

The little girl gasped. “Mama Tenenbaum’s Tangle.” Miranda said sounding excited. 

“Yes it is. Do you want to hold it?” Elizabeth asked her.

“Yes please.” Miranda asked her. Elizabeth gave her the stim toy. “I like this toy a lot.”

“It seems fun. I can’t blame you.” Archie told her. The two adults admired seeing the girl play with it. “Do you feel better right now?” Archie asked her.

“Yes.” Miranda said as she looked at him so happy. She just messed with it. Just like with the train but this time. She seemed more relaxed.

“Hey Miranda. If you want to squish my cheeks. I’ll let you do that if you want to okay.” Elizabeth told her. 

“Okay.” Miranda told her smiling. The two just admiring the girl playing with the little stim toy. While behind the glass, Brigid was looking at the with a smile. Seeing a little moment like that reminds her there is still goodness in this city.

[vincent-g-writer]

The Silver Screen Savant, pt 2- the Meh, the Bad and The yikes.

Hello Writers!

Last time here on Starry Starry Write, I talked a little about Autism in the media and my personal experiences therein. Today, I’d like to go a little broader, and tackle the topic from a macro perspective.

In recent times, you’ve probably heard “Representation Matters” oft repeated. Especially in prominent talking spaces like social media. But what does that mean, exactly?

Why “Representation Matters,” and how.

The short answer:

Diverse representation in media tells us that everyone has a place in the world. That everyone’s story matters.

The long answer:

It’s no secret that we begin engaging with media at a young age. When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, TV and video games were often the babysitters of my peers. I was one of the few kids in my neighborhood whose parents weren’t divorced. The kids I knew? Not so much. Most of them were raised by single parents, grandparents and of course-the boob tube. I personally prefered books, when my mom wasn’t yelling “it’s too nice out to be holed up in that dark bedroom!”

Now, don’t mistake my preference for some kind of intellectual superiority. I watched plenty of TV too. Besides, books aren’t magically out of the equation. Printed material is our oldest form of media. And- often just as problematic. Though I will say- I saw a much broader range of people on covers adoring library shelves than I ever did titles on a TV roster. But, I digress. The point is: for many of us, consuming media begins at an early time of our life. And that’s where the problem starts. Even in my childhood, where The Magic School Bus, Hey Arnold, and Sesame Street showed people of all kinds, I can point to many that did not. Especially not people like me. Which did me a grave disservice. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum for a long time, and when I finally found out, I was horrified, thanks to what I had seen on TV.

Because media is not only a wonderful way to learn about people that don’t look, act or sound like us. It also informs our ideas of who we are, and what we can be. Whether we like it or not: it shapes how we understand the world. And it doesn’t stop with Childhood.

Time Changes Much, but not all.

Things are better now. Well, a little bit, anyway.

As an adult, I see more people like me on the screen nowadays. Which is nice.

Ish.

Why “ish?” Well…

Frequently, these “noticeably different” characters (read: Autistically coded) are branded “NOT AUTISTIC!” You heard it here first, folks! That one character (insert your favorite) is Totally Not Autistic. Despite being written in a way that gives every indication otherwise.

*Facepalm*

Now for some examples, which we’ll call the “Meh,” “The Bad” and the “Yikes.” For “fun,” we’ll also go into the off-air perceptions of the characters.

The “Meh.”

First on the list is Dr. Spencer Reid, from CBS’s “Criminal Minds.”

Dr. Reid is the youngest member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, having joined at the age of 22. He holds three B.A degrees in Sociology, Psychology and Philosophy, as well as three Ph.D’s in Engineering, Chemistry, and Mathematics.

He also has the social skills of a limp dishrag. Wait, what’s that? High Intelligence + Low Social Awareness? Hmmm…Then there’s his restrictive behavioral patterns, obsessive interests, and general “quirkiness!” that we could talk about. But let’s hear a quote from the actor who plays him, Matthew Gray Gubler:

“..an eccentric genius, with hints of schizophrenia and minor autism, Asperger’s Syndrome. Reid is 24, 25 years old with three PH.D.s and one can’t usually achieve that without some form of autism.”

Hoooo-boy. I could go into all the things wrong with this, including why the term “Asperger’s” is both horrific (TW: Eugenics,Ableism, N*zis) and harmful. However, today we’ll simply leave it with the fact that this term is no longer applicable, having been reclassified in 2013 as part of Autism Spectrum disorder.

The “Bad.”

Next up, we have Will Graham, from NBC’s Hannibal.

Like our first example, Will works for the FBI. He’s a gifted criminal profiler with “special” abilities, namely hyper empathy, which allows him to reconstruct the actions and fantasies of the killers he hunts. He’s intellectually gifted, hates eye contact, socializing, and prefers to spend…most of his time…alone.

Oh dear. Haven’t we been here before? But, I mean, he doesn’t have Autism! The show runner says so!

For Will Graham, there’s a line in the pilot about him being on the spectrum of autism or Asperger’s, and he’s neither of those things. He actually has an empathy disorder where he feels way too much and that’s relatable in some way. There’s something about people who connect more to animals than they do to other people because it’s too intense for whatever reason.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m cringing. A lot. This is just…ugh. I mean, for starters, I know a handful of autistic people who struggle with hyper empathy, which can make social situations overwhelming and hard to navigate. In fact, I happen to be one of them. Plus, there’s a cool little thing about how, frequently, people on the spectrum more readily identify with animals. But, y’know. Who am I to say? I’m just someone, one of many, who’s dealt with this my whole life.

Now, onto the “Yikes.”

*sigh*

And finally, we have BBC’s Sherlock, a modern adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s renowned “consulting” detective, and probably the most famous fictional character of all time.

Now, I’ll start by saying that the BBC incarnation is not the first to be Spectrum labeled. In fact, Sherlock was my childhood hero, and the first “person” I saw referred to this way. My aunt, an avid reader herself, casually remarked to a friend “I’ve always wondered if Holmes is Autistic,” after I came yammering on about how fantastic the books were. Had I not been champing at the bit to get back to my reading, I might have asked her what that meant.

I also believe this fandom driven speculation is why many detective type characters (see above) are often coded as Autistic, intentionally or otherwise.

In this New York Times article, Lisa Sanders, M.D. describes Holmes traits:

He appears oblivious to the rhythms and courtesies of normal social intercourse — he doesn’t converse so much as lecture. His interests and knowledge are deep but narrow. He is strangely “coldblooded,” and perhaps as a consequence, he is also alone in the world.

Now, before we go any father, let me take a moment to defend his creator. During the time Sir Arthur Conan Doyle first created his most famous work, Autism was not known. That isn’t to say it didn’t exist. We’ve always existed. In fact, it’s now believed that the Changeling Myth, a common European folk story, was a way to explain Autism. In one telling (there are a few) children displaying “intelligence beyond their years” and “uncanny knowledge” were imposters, traded out by Fae creatures for offspring of their own. Children believed to be “Changlings,” regretfully, often came to a bad end. A chilling reminder that the stories we tell impact our real lives.

So while Autism was at least somewhat recognized, it did not become its own official diagnosis until 1943.

Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes was first published in 1892. Now, as a writer who often draws from my personal reality, I imagine Doyle probably “wrote what he knew,” which is to say, acquainted with one or more Autistic people, he used them as inspiration.

On the other hand…

BBC’s Sherlock first aired in 2010. And while one might argue that the writers simply capitalized on the Autistic fan-theory, or took already available traits and exaggerated them for their version… they left a lot to be desired. Autism aside, this new Sherlock is…well…an asshole. Narcissistic, abusive and egocentric (to name a few) he sweeps his caustic behavior under the rug of “high functioning sociopath,” and blytly ignores the consequences.

Which is a major problem. Because while doing this, he’s still “obviously” (at least in the Hollywood sense) Autistic. In my previous post, where I said some characters are “too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy,” this is what I meant.

This is bad. We’re looping right back to Representation Matters. Bad representation, and the navigating of such, is just as important for writers to think about as good representation. Maybe even moreso. Because bad representation paints real people into cardboard, stereotyped people-shaped things. It otherizes. And it’s harmful. You would not believe the people I’ve met assume I’m not Autistic because I’m not an egotistical jerk. Why? Because they watched, you guessed it, BBC Sherlock.

Confession time:

Now here’s my little secret:

I love all of these characters. They are some of my favorite on tv. Why? Because for good or ill, I recognize myself in them. Finally, I can turn on the TV, and see myself. Or, somewhat, anyway.

My favorite character out of this list? Loath though I am to admit it… Is Sherlock. See, what those well meaning folks didn’t know (the ones who say I’m I’m “too nice,” to be Autistic) is… well, if we’re being honest, I wasn’t always nice. A few years ago, I was that guy. I was a jerk because I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Which is really not a good look. In fact, sitting down and watching the first season of sherlock, (around three or four years after it came out) made me realize how much of a jerk I actually was.

There are other things there too. Things that tie me to all these characters, that I didn’t list. But that’s for another today.

For now, I’d like to add a caveat or two:

1) I’ve watched all the shows listed above, and adore them. As I mentioned, Sherlock is my favorite. He’s also the one I’ve watched the most (Repeatedly, in fact. Whoops.) and I recognize it’s not all bad. In the end, he learned to treat people better (somewhat) and certainly became more human over time. And, there are other deeply problematic elements of the show I’d like to tackle, eventually.

*cough* Queerbating! *cough*

2) I’m well aware that the above cases are all thin, white, able bodied, “straight” males. But I chose these characters for a couple of reasons. One, they’re the most prominent type on TV. Again, we loop back around to representation, and why we need more positive, diverse examples of it.

And finally-

3) In my last post, I mentioned I’d give some “good” instances of Hollywood Autism trope. But I didn’t exactly do that. Partially, because half way through, I thought…perhaps…I’m not the best to judge what might be a good Autistic character. I mean, I’m sure someone will read this and think my current aforementioned characters are fine. Heck! They might even argue my perception here, and say the characters are just fine. I accept that. In my life, both on and off the page, I recognize that I cannot, should not (and don’t want to) speak for an entire community.

Because of this, I cannot tell you how to write a “good” Autistic character, or what media is “acceptable.” I can’t even really tell you what a bad character is. Sure, I have a lot of opinions about it. But- if you’re on the spectrum and like and identify with the above? That’s fine. I mean, even with all the problems I noted (and some I didn’t) I certainly do.

On the other hand, if you’re a writer, and you want to write a character from this (or any, for that matter) community you aren’t part of, I caution you.

Do your research. Preferably from multiple credible sources.

Talk to people on the spectrum about what it’s really like. (Though try to steer clear of asking for emotional labor.You could, say, hop on reddit and ask the community there, for instance, which is a no pressure way to obtain potentially decent info.)

Finally, whatever you do, remember this-

Autistic people can look like anyone. We can act, and think and be different, like anyone. We are real, living, breathing people. Not robots, not sob stories, not tropes. People. So if you write about us, write us like people. And your work will be all the better for it.

-Your Loving Vincent

[brightmalcolm]

please deepdive into malcolm's mental health? (and also maybe him being socially bizarre please {i like and value your opinions and thoughts about things very much}) thank you so much!!

ksdkjdkj thank you that’s very kind! I really have no idea what I’m talking about half the time but I’m glad it makes some sense?

I mean, we know Malcolm has been canonically diagnosed with Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Complex PTSD. In my opinion (both from personal experience, people I know, and Googling (tm)), he also shows some symptoms of BPD, Bipolar Disorder, and Autism, but again those are just my headcanons. 

He’s on four different medications and we’ve seen the labels of two of them; Zoloft and Trazadone. Both of those are anti-depressants, but Zoloft also treats panic disorder and PTSD and Trazadone is often prescribed as a sleeping aid. Idk if these labels were deliberately chosen or if the prop designer just picked out commonly prescribed meds, but I mean they both make sense as things he’d be prescribed. I’m guessing the other two are some kind of benzodiazepine for anxiety and maybe an anti-psychotic or something else for PTSD symptoms like tremors, flashbacks and nightmares. We know he’s been in therapy since he was 10 and he has seen the same therapist the entire time which makes sense given his trust issues. Martin mentions Malcolm was “isolated” before meeting Vijay in 9th grade which was probably due to both his father being arrested and his worsening mental health (speaking from experience, middle school is not kind to kids who are “different” lmao). At some point when he was older, it seems like Malcolm kind of tried to “take control” of his mental health, which we see in how proactive he’s being with the daily affirmations, yoga, the restraints, and that upbeat playlist he wakes up to. He’s doing his best!

In my opinion, the show does a great job of portraying how Malcolm’s mental illness effects him in a very nuanced way. Despite his trust issues, he’s also pretty desperate for companionship (hello “hasn’t had a stable relationship in years”) and gets attached to the team, especially Dani, pretty quickly. He’s often manic, but has been dealing with these mood swings for long enough that he knows how to channel the energy into more productive things like solving murders (hey we all got hobbies!). The show does a good job showing his “triggers” when he starts having flashbacks (like the car trunk/blanket in episode 5) and how debilitating his night terrors can be. The way Malcolm interacts with his father also resonated with me a lot; you can see how uncomfortable he is while at the same time he’s desperate to be close to his father and regain the relationship they had before he was arrested. I don’t think I’d characterized Malcolm as suicidal, but he definitely shows a disregard for his own life/safety on several occasions. I think that is both his impulsivity and a manifestation of his guilt for not stopping his father sooner (it’ll be interesting to see if Sophie remind Malcolm that he was just a kid will have any long term effect on how he perceives himself and his past). We also see him hallucinating fairly often, but it seems he was able to control them after he got rid of the one he was having in episode 12. 

The “socially bizarre” comment is honestly a great way to describe Malcolm lmao. Malcolm is definitely...I guess I would characterize it as “odd” or “interesting” or “eccentric?” Like he’s so good at reading social cues when it comes to profiling people but he’s also kind of clueless when it comes to his own relationships. I think this kind of behavior is a result of a lot of things; for one thing, he grew up incredibly wealthy so of course some of his mannerisms are going to seem strange to others. I also think he hasn’t had a lot of experiences dating people or even being friends with people (both from being bullied as a kid and his own insecurities), which is why he struggles with boundaries (like “profiling” Eve when they were dating and not being sensitive to Dani’s feelings about death in episode 15) and interacting with people without “profiling” them (Gil has to tell him to stop profiling Dani in episode 5). He just doesn’t know a lot of these social rules because he never got to practice them or learn them outside of an academic/psychological context. And finally, it also probably has a lot to do with how his trauma effects his relationships. We see this most clearly with his trust issues and how he becomes paranoid of Vijay going behind his back in episode 16 and Eve having a secret in episode 17 (and in both of those cases he ended up being right so...Yikes). Malcolm was betrayed and hurt by the man he loved and looked up to more than anyone else in the world at just ten years old; it makes sense why he would be so reluctant to get close to anyone again. And then there are things like his night terrors/restraints, which are results of his trauma but to “normal” people just come off as strange and unsettling. 

Idk how to end this but I guess overall it’s nice to see a character struggle with mental illness while still being such a good and kind person who genuinely wants to help others. We have no choice but to stan!

[somethingnurseywoulddo]

 reasons he can’t explain. also on AO3

When he was a newborn, just a tiny little thing, his papa placed a hockey puck on top of his butt. With wide eyes and chubby limbs, he simply wiggled his behind back and forth, slowly scootching forward. Jack’s little brain didn’t comprehend the joy he felt in that moment, for he was a baby, but Jack would grow up, continuing to be a little bit odd like that.

As he aged, Jack found habits and sensations that made him feel oddly satisfied. For example, when he was three, Jack found the best thing on the planet: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The sticky peanut butter, the sweet jam (that balanced out the salt of peanuts well), and the thick bread all mashed together made for the perfect combination. When no other food could settle on his sensitive palate, a classic pb&j always calmed his senses.

It didn’t end there, however. Because a few years later, his grandmother bought Jack the softest, warmest (and heaviest) blanket Jack had ever felt. After a full day of errands, a stressful practice, or whatever life threw at him, Jack would race up the stairs (on all fours, like a horse, no less), flop into bed, and then proceed to wrap himself (like a burrito) within the blanket. For reasons Jack couldn’t explain, he would settle down underneath the weight. Even though physically he was under pressure, his mental worries would drift far away, and he’d be able to relax again. Jack would lay there for hours, sometimes until his mother would knock on his door, alerting him that dinner was ready.

When Jack mentions his adoration for routine to his teammates, or his favorite activity (outside of hockey) being wrapped up in his blanket (maybe with earbuds in, listening to a history podcast), they all laugh it off. It’s like none of them enjoy anything like that. (He tries not to let it bother him, but it still digs a hole into his chest).

_________

At thirteen years old, Jack knows his father’s legacy. He knows that he too, is going to have to live up to that standard. Even at this early stage of life, Jack is forced into high class social situations and interactions (due to his parent’s status’). 

Every single situation he’s forced to go to is literal hell for Jack. He’ll do close to anything in an excuse to escape the get togethers. Having to make eye contact with people he hardly knows, and also create small talk is stressful enough to make Jack shut down; it drains the energy out of him like running a marathon. In one evening alone, Jack has to take at least five trips to the bathroom in order to calm himself down, focus back on reality, and place back on an extroverted facade. 

Not only does Jack have to make eye contact and engage in conversation, but he’s forced to listen to twenty plus more conversations and the general party sounds that come with socializing. He clenches his fists, cracks his knuckles, and squeezes his hands to try and calm down. Hopefully, no one notices his pale face, stiff hands, and run offs to the restroom; Jack thinks at least his mother has noticed.

These nights, Jack doesn’t even bother listening to history podcasts, he simply cuddles up underneath his blanket, and falls asleep without saying a word. It happens often. The no-speak aspect, not just the parties, where he becomes so overloaded, he doesn’t even have the energy to speak. He thinks clearly, but he can push no more than a word or two past his lips.

On the occasional, blessed nights where there is no party or practice, Jack’s favorite thing to do is sit on the living room couch, watching a history document. Hours upon hours, he’ll sit there, snapping his fingers, shaking his feet, and hum along to facts he finds interesting within the document. Thankfully, his parents don’t seem to mind, and they let him continue to relax in his own way.

_________

At fifteen, when life and hockey become a little too stressful (with the Q’s arrival and his family hosting another Q player. His name is Kent Parson), he begins to freak out even more than he typically does. His mother suggests seeing a doctor to get tested for anxiety (because he has been showing symptoms for years); the diagnosis comes back positive, and he’s given medicine that’s supposed to help ease his anxiety.

It seems to do its job, the medicine that is, at reducing his irrational thoughts and do-it-all-to-the-point-of-failure ideals, but besides that, it doesn’t even help him get rid of his hatred for bad textures, or the obscenely loud noises, or unfairly awkward social interactions. Brushing aside the annoyance of still having those hinderances, Jack does his best to put everything into hockey. Even his (very complex) relationship with Kenny revolves around hockey.

At first, Kenny had been a distraction from the hectic schedule hockey entailed. They could sit in bed, making out, letting off steam, for hours on end, however, after (almost) two years of a relationship with Kenny, it’s become one of his sources of anxiety.

(for starters, he and Kent are constantly at odds with one another. Kent starts up useless drama to fluster (frustrate) Jack, then kiss him to shut Jack up. He and Kent were up against each other for the number one pick, and it made things stressful. When Jack would want to curl under his blanket and clench his fists, Kent would grab his hands and sweet talk Jack into something more than lying in bed. To add on top of everything, being gay in the NHL is an instant career ender, and with the way he and Kent are going, things wouldn’t end well).

Eventually, the stress of it all became too much to handle. When one pill failed to calm his nerves, he took another, and another, and another. Next thing Jack knows, he’s lying in a hospital bed, his mother holding his hand, and his father the other.

_________

In the time that follows Jack’s accident (cause it was an accident, he just wanted to settle down), he coaches a peewee hockey team. It’s exactly what Jack needs. Where the Q had sucked the joy out of hockey, his peewee team replaced with a rekindled adoration for the sport. And what’s not to love about hockey? Even the sound of the puck is soothing, and the feel of flying over ice is healing. 

Jack tries not to pick favorite students within his team, but there is a little boy who snags Jack’s attention. He’s awkward, struggles to socialize with the other teammates, and can’t look Jack in the eye. It feels familiar to him. He realizes, it’s because he sees himself within the boy. When the kid gets a goal, he flaps his arms, spins in circles, and squeals. Jack in turn, cheers the kid on by pumping his fists, and jumping up in down. It feels nice, that even this kid is more than half his age, he can connect so well with the boy. (even to this day, they stay in contact. The kid just signed, too!).

However, Jack realizes he’s ready to start playing hockey himself. Jack decides college is a good place to pick up life again. He applies to Samwell University and gets accepted. 

At first, it’s slightly awkward, playing on a team again that is, but Jack thinks this is the place for him. One of the other freshman Jack met instantly latched onto him. Not just emotionally, but literally in a physical manner. The dude, Knight, loves to hug, cuddle, and fist bump Jack any chance he gets. During the first few months, Jack finds it weird, but eventually he begins to notice the comfort brought on by his new best friend (a best friend he’s never had one before). The weight of another person snuggling up next to Jack reminds him of his heavy blanket, so he begins to welcome the hugs with open arms (haha no pun intended). So after a long day, instead of curling up with his blanket and a podcast, he instead is wrapped in his best friends arms, listening to him rant about his latest drama or classes.

In his latest class, which is some kind of psychology study, (while they snuggle) he begins to rant about the ableist culture autistic people face. Normally, Jack isn’t one to engage his ears in actually listening, but what he’s hearing sounds…. Familiar. 

“Yeah, and so many autistic people grow up without even realizing they’re autistic! Doctors typically misdiagnose and say it’s anxiety because they don’t care about autism. And while yeah, you can have anxiety and autism, doctors still don’t like to admit a patient might have autism.”

Jack sits there, dumbfounded. He himself has been to several doctors who’ve said he has anxiety, but could there be more to this? 

He’s zoning out hard time, he knows this, but thinking about all the possibilities is nerve wracking. If there is anybody on the planet Jack can be open with, it’s with his best friend. Taking a few calculating breaths, he squeezes his hands together, then begins to speak. 

“Hey- uh, about the, uh, autism thing. Do you know how people can get fully diagnosed?”

“Yeah man! I know a guy! Why you ask?”

“Oh. Well, I think that I also may have autism. The things you said about it applies to everything I’ve gone through.”

“Dude! That makes so much sense! If you want I can go with you?”

He considers it for a moment “I’d love that, actually. Thank you.”

_________

Together, they go to the doctors. Despite doubts Jack had about really being autistic, he’s officially diagnosed with autism. The doctor explains it’s the reason Jack is picky with foods and sounds, why looking people in the eye and making small talk is so draining, how being under heavy weights or messing with his hands and jumping (also known as stimming) makes him feel better. It just makes sense. How Jack is in his twenties and only just now being diagnosed, will never make sense. However, he’s thankful to finally have answers for his questions.

It takes a while for Jack to learn the insides and outs of his condition, to accept this is apart of who he is. But eventually, as the days get longer, life gets sweeter, and friends closer, Jack begins to share this part of himself. Becoming so open about autism ended up helping another teammate too (chowder). 

While life is a hard fought battle, Jack finds it’s safe to say he’s at a point of loving, and embracing himself. All of himself.

[dmitri-smerdyakov]

So it’s been a while, huh?

I don’t know how many people are actually still following this blog/are interested in it but...hi again! I already wrote a post sort of explaining where I disappeared to and why (long story short: it was tumblr staff’s fault) but I also want to talk to you guys properly and update you all on what’s been going on since.

I don’t want to abandon this blog but I have another blog that I’m using now -> it’s @alwaysahiccupandastrid. It’s not as Beasts oriented as this one was, I’m afraid, but still feel free to follow it and chat to me! It’s much like this blog was when I used it in that I don’t really post exclusively for one fandom, it’s just a mix of whatever I like!

Anyway, updating! I already told you guys that I graduated university in July, finished my degree...that was stressful! A lot went down at university but it sorted itself out in the end and I survived! Our final assessment was at the end of May, and we performed a show that we created four times, three nights and one matinee. I’m very proud of what we achieved all things considered! But yes...I am no longer a university student!

What else has changed?

I no longer work for the cinema anymore - I quit a few weeks ago after getting a job at a fancy hotel that was supposedly better...I quit the day after my first shift because I had a “me too” experience with another employee...without too much detail, he touched and started kissing me, and I left. I struggled for a couple of weeks trying urgently to get a new job, and I’m now working for Superdrug! My first shift was Wednesday afternoon/evening and I’m excited to start properly! It’s not permanent: I’m also hoping to hear back from Nikon soon about an admin position that’s closer to home and pays extremely well!

I no longer see that therapist who likes Harry Potter - I think I talked a little bit on here about my counsellor who was also a Harry Potter fan and who I liked? Yeah...turns out not so much? I stopped going to her because she a) screamed at me for waiting in the waiting room until my bus was due to arrive down the road and b) she got pissed because I couldn’t do a few certain weeks due to show rehearsals. I’m honestly all the better for it frankly.

More tattoos! - Okay so it’s not a super important thing but it’s a change so...! I think when I was last on his blog I had 3 tattoos - I now have 8! So in addition to the wand, the “worrying means you suffer twice”, and the Deathly Hallows symbol, I now have a tattoo of Leta’s flower from the Lestrange family tree (with her name and the words “beautiful. Separate.”; a tiny tattoo of Harry’s scar/glasses; a Night Fury/Toothless tattoo with the words “heart of a chief” and “soul of a dragon”; the Chief symbol from HTTYD 2; and the words “Night Fury” in Viking runes.

My hair?! - Again, not important but hey! Let’s celebrate! My hair finally grew back and is now blonde! It’s not too long, just about to my shoulders, and my roots are dark blonde whilst the bottom is more bright blonde from dying it in March. It’s silly but hooray!

I met Kevin Guthrie in March! - I met Mr Abernathy himself at Comic Con in London and he was LOVELY. He was such a wonderful man, so cheerful and amazing with the fans. I had some pretty interesting conversations with him about Fantastic Beasts and whether he’ll be in the next one...we shall see! He also told us that Poppy Corby-Tuech (Vinda Rosier) is “all about the cosplay”! And ofc I got some photos with him :)

I’m now 21 - my birthday was obviously in January and I’m old(er) 😂😭 I didn’t do anything too special, just saw CoG with the family and then a few days later went to the WB Studio Tour again (which was amazing because my sister has a friend who works there and was showing us props lots of people won’t ever see!)

Mental Health crap - Obviously I’m not “cured” or anything. I’m still on Sertraline for my depression (haven’t taken the anxiety one for a while but that is a whole other kettle of fish!) and I still have problems but I’m not as low as I have been these past few years on this blog. I’m proud to say that I have been self-harm free since about March or April (it’s hard to remember since the months blur together), and I’m genuinely all the better for it! Part of it is because I didn’t want to damage my tattoos on my arms but it’s also because I’ve managed to resist the urge as well!

^ Having said that, I’m on the waiting list to see a doctor/specialist because my GP said there was a possibility I could have autism/Aspergers/be on the spectrum. It’s a LONG waiting list in the UK so it could be a while until I see a specialist, but there’s that. It’s not a bad thing necessarily since it might be a step closer to making sure I get the exact treatment/help I need.

Fandom junk - I already mentioned in my earlier posts that since late February/early March, I’ve gotten REALLY into How To Train Your Dragon. It’s now my main fandom, in fact, which is sad because the last film has come out and there’s just a half an hour Christmas special left to be released this winter 😭 but HTTYD has had such an impact on my life and my mental state, like it has genuinely made me so much happier and (in my opinion) a better person. I still love Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter (I even went to King’s Cross at the beginning of the month for Back to Hogwarts Day!) but it’s not my main fandom right now; I had to take a breather from Beasts and the Beasts fandom because it’s really not a great place to be at times. But I’m still into it and I’m waiting for the third film to come out in 2021!

Other random/rather unimportant stuff:

My bed is now overrun with Build a Bear dragons (and the odd baby Niffler)

My sister turned 18 and I’m so...old? I feel so old now omg

I’ve been trying to help the environment by taking little steps like going out litter picking (both on my own and with my dad) whenever I can, and I’ve been using the Ecosia search app as much as possible (for every 45 searches, they’ll plant a new tree!)

I went to Disneyland Paris again in June and it was a lot of fun, I met Peter/Wendy/Alice/Mad Hatter again, there was a false alarm because some twat left their bag at the meet and greet so they had to get the sniffer dog and everything, and I also met Donald Duck, Stitch, Tiana/Naveen AND Rapunzel (Rapunzel is my sister’s absolute favourite, so I’m happy she got to meet her!)

This may be super lame but I got so happy because I got noticed on Twitter several times by Jay Baruchel (the guy who plays Hiccup in How To Train Your Dragon - he’s so awesome and loves the character btw), his fiancée who’s a model keeps liking some of my posts on Instagram, and Cressida Cowell, who wrote the original How To Train Your Dragon books (which are vastly different to the movies but omg they’re so amazing?!), liked a tweet I sent her about my Toothless tattoo and she loved it?! I’m having a good year celebrity/famous people wise for some reason?! 😂❤️

I dont know if my blog was still in use when this happened but I’ll mention it anyway... I SAW EZRA AGAIN IN DECEMBER!! I went to watch Sons of an Illustrious Father play in London and it was GLORIOUS. Ezra Miller is GLORIOUS.

(I won’t post pictures of all the stuff here but... soon maybe?)

So that’s all I can think of...it’s been so long since I used this blog and I felt bad just abandoning it, so here we are.

I don’t know how much I’ll still use this blog, but as I said, I definitely don’t want to just abandon it. At the moment, I’m logged into this account on my iPod and onto my account on my phone, and I think I’ll keep it that way. I don’t know how much posting I’ll do here but I’ll still be around, and I’ll try to see if I can keep this blog alive alongside my current one, if people want me to!

I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m glad to have this blog back. Even if you follow my new blog and have been for the last few months, it’s still awesome to be talking to guys again on this account!

If you guys want to chat or say anything, feel free! Like I said, if people still want me to be active on here then just let me know and I’ll do my best! ☺️

[autistic-reptile]

i told both my parents i thought i might be on the spectrum abt a year after i started suspecting and they both basically shot me down bc (condensed version) im "too normal to be autistic". i relate to nearly every symptom ive ever seen described by girls on the spectrum but i feel like mine arent intense enough-- i have special interests but not all are obsessions, i stim but in pretty small unnoticeable ways, i can force myself to make eye contact even if i don't want to. idek what (1)

before I say anything, just know that none of this is a bother!!! I love getting asks - one of my first thoughts when I figured out that I was autistic was "I bet there actually ARE way more people out there like me and I want to talk to them/help them feel less alone too" so I love it.

I can understand your parents thinking you're "too normal" to be autistic - not because they're right, but because I had a similar outlook on autism before learning about it. I remember a few years ago, someone made a joke about me being autistic (they knew nothing about autism either, they were just using it as a joke/insult in reference to awkward tendencies), and later on that night I ended up briefly looking up the actual symptoms of autism, only to shut myself down IMMEDIETLY, thinking:

"okay, that's relatable, but I'm obviously not autistic. I would've had to have been in special education or something, right? or I wouldn't have any friends at least. I definitely am able to make eye contact, and wtf even is stimming?? sounds like everyone would mention me stimming if I did that, so, yeah. No way I'm autistic."

and that was it lol. probably didn't think about it at all again until I was 22 and saw a youtube video of another grown woman talking about her autism and masking, which was what prompted me to actually look deeper into autism and ultimately lead to my diagnosis.

basically what I'm trying to say here is that very little people have a correct view of what autism looks like, nor can you really define exactly what autism always looks like because its so different for everybody. the best thing you can do is try to educate your parents while you're talking to them about your concerns. show them, as best you can, what autism actually looks like, and then relate it back to your own experiences. when I was talking to my parents about it, they had a similar reaction, until I started actually listing off symptoms of autism while giving examples, saying "remember how I always did ____?" and they were finally like "ohhhhhhhhhh yeah....... hey maybe your brother and sister are autistic too" (and I'm thinking 'yep I saw it in them before I even saw it in myself' lol).

if you're feeling like you relate to all the symptoms but maybe just not as intensely, its always possible that you're not autistic and have something else instead, but its also possible that you've more or less "evolved" to show these symptoms less intensely. even small negative interactions can be enough to teach you that stimming big and being obsessed with things gets you bullied. autistic people still have the desire to fit in and be liked, so a lot of us will supress these things and do our best to camouflage the issue. small stimming and feeling like you aren't as obsessed with special interests as you should be CAN mean you're just stimmy and passionate, or it can mean you ARE autistic and you've just been influenced by your experiences to behave in less autistic ways.

I know for me, I can get embarrased by stimming in certain ways even when I'm alone - that's how ingrained it is that these traits are embarrassing and something I need to hide. it took me a little while to come to the realization that I was unconciously bullying myself. now, obviously this may not always be the case (I don't want anyone to take this to mean 'you can be autistic even without any symptoms!' lol), but sometimes it is the case that you get pushed all your life into presenting as more ""normal"" and then end up doubting that you could ever possibly be autistic. so if you relate that much to the symptoms, its certainly a possibly that should be explored.

[yogimathias]

I'm trying.

I got messaged by my ex recently. The one I was with when I made the post at the bottom. After years of silence. I wrote out all the things to try and process. I can share it here. First, the story of the relationship.

------After my marriage ended (story for another time), I ended up in a not so great relationship. Partially due to my inability to deal with being alone. Partially because my parents were encouraging me to leave.

So when I met someone who seemed good and welcoming I jumped at the chance.

I knew about her ex but I thought he was out of the picture entirely. After a couple weeks and one date we made plans for me to go stay there. When I arrived, I found out the ex was staying there because he was recently needed for transportation reasons and took that as an ok to stay. And my presence was described to him as "a friend with mental difficulties who needs a place to crash for a bit." She told me it was better than having everything out in the open and him being angry, because she has two kids there.

It took about two weeks of them fighting and such for him to finally leave. I was going through anxiety and panic attacks during because I didn't know what was going to happen or when. I just stayed on the couch most of the day.

After he left, I asked if I was going to moved into her room like we talked about, and she says let's wait a couple days for the kids and everything to feel calm and comfortable.

I had managed to get a job at Burger King by then. And one day after getting home from work, I saw there was a gym bag at the foot of her bed. I asked about it and she said a friend lost his apartment and need to crash for a week tops. And that to keep things simple he will crash in her room.

Reassured me he was just a friend and he will be gone soon. That week or so, turned into 3 months he was there. During that time, he was presented to others and family as "the boyfriend". Because her ex would sometimes come by to get some of his stuff and she said it was better to say the new guy was the boyfriend.

Also during this time, I noticed she was into certain things. Like taking her pain killers by crushing them up and sniffing them. She sent me on a shopping trip to go get supplies needed to take whip-hits.

And had me try them on occasion. And also one time she over did it and was unresponsive for almost a minute and I gave cpr to her and when she came to, she acted like everything was fine.

In an attempt to get all of her exes things out, she asked if I and Josh (the "boyfriend") if we could leave while he was there. This was in Maine in April. Still chilly. Turned into me staying out overnight on the street.

Then said that the ex won't leave. We can just crash in the basement. Which was unfinished. So dirt floor and my bed was a work bench. Was there for a week. She finally got him out, and applied for a protection from abuse from the court. She asked me to write a statement for it. I did.

And on the day of the hearing I find out minutes before I would have to go up and give verbal statement and be questioned by both parties. It was difficult. Putting it lightly. I had to lie, not mentioning why I lived there. Josh was publicly called her boyfriend.

The judge could tell I was having difficulty. And he actually believed me more than the other three people involved because he felt I had a perspective not based on a romantic connection. After that it got a little more quiet. But I was still this guy living on her couch. Who was convinced that I was love by her. Been with her intimately.

But all these signs say that she was with this other guy Josh. He slept in her room. He was convinced that they had a future together. My panic attacks were regular. I lost weight even working at Burger King and not doing anything all day.

Finally, after much help and direct assistance from an online friend, my dad came to get me. While taking my stuff out she came down and got loud. Saying it's not right. Things are ok. And as I was leaving she said "you can't understand because of your autism".

I got to my parents place. Got a job. On day two of my job I get a text from her. A picture of an ultrasound. Thankfully I had a moment of calm and I immediately sent it to two women friends of mine who are mothers. They could tell and told me that it wasn't current and not hers.

After that day, I had to set my own limit. No contact. Don't read or respond or message ever. She knew me too well and could manipulate information and hit all those spots in my head. ---------

Now for the first message. Came on Facebook.

------- Hey Matty

I’m sure you’d rather not here from me, but I need to apologize for what happened between us. You’re a good person and a even better friend. I was not in a good place last time we spoke or hung out. For that I am sorry and can’t apologize enough. I’ve changed as a person and I never want to be that person again. So I hope you’ll forgive me. I’m not a horrible person.. I just made a series of bad choices. I’m a firm believer that in life we all have to strive to become better people. My Father passed away last January and it’s put life in prospective for me. That’s why I’m leaving Maine to break away from the sickness of my family. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I’d like to try being friends again. Nothing fancy or fast... just friends.... I still care about you and probably always will. Please let me know and I’ll respect anything decision you make. Take care and remember to smile. ------

I didn't read it for about a day. Then I read it. So she then could tell i read it. And I actually considered responding after waiting maybe 3 days. My thought was that if she was genuine, she wouldn't need my response in order to do better as a person. I didn't have to think about it 3 says. About a day or so after reading it, I got the other message. For context, Taran is her son. He was 8 years old about when we were together.

------ No response hun... I’ll respect your wishes if you really don’t want anything to do with me, but I thought more of you then holding on to grudges. When you needed support I was there and excepted you for you. Even after I found out about the embezzlement. I just thought that out of anyone in this world you’d be the one person that could forgive. You have to admit Matt that we did have some fun while we were together. How did it feel when others found out about what you did and snubbed you because of a mistake? I’m just asking for a shot.... yes my life will go on without you, but that’s not what I wanted. I guess I was truly hoping that maybe you’d grown up some and didn’t feel the need for approval from others to be friends with someone. Taran still asks about you from time to time and I’m truly shocked that you of all people wouldn’t even give me a condolence for my father or my cousin Zack. Who both passed away. Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought. Such a shame, but you’ve obviously made up your mind. So I truly won’t contact you again. I know I’ve said this before. Unfortunately this time I mean it. I really did think more of you.

Good bye Matty and try not living with malice and hate in your heart. Take care...,,. --------

I want to be free of my anxiety. Doubt. Struggle. The stuff that she gave me.

*picture is a reminder I keep.

[regretsdelusionstoughluck]

PART 3

WEDNESDAY MORNING

While Damon was online looking for odd jobs he noticed an add for dancers needed. He’s had a stripper license since he was 19 and used this as a means for extra money when not deployed. He sent this to Oliver in an email prior to calling him on his way to the pharmacy.

“Morning”

“Check out the email”

As he pulled out his iPad, he saw the email

“What the fuck is this?”

“Strippin....you already do way more,  plus a bachelorette party would get you a killing. I used to dance at a few of them when I was home”

“Got anything else?”

“Banquets, I know a lot of companies. I can send you a list of catering companies you could do work for. What you got going on right now?”

“Laying on the couch, going into the office”

[Really? That’s the best you got? What part of “I want out of this life do you not understand?]

While he wasn’t thrilled about it, he took some time to think about t and he realized that bachelorette parties are for the entertainment value and he did keep his body in shape. However, didn’t want his current situation to mirror that of “The Players Club”.

Oliver got up from the couch to fix himself an omelette while continuing to talk. “Yo, I got you on speaker phone, doing some stuff in the kitchen”

“Man, remember when we were young and we would see vacationers out here, we vowed that one day it would be us taking trips with our families?”

“I do, and when I look at where I’m at, I think to myself “What the actual fuck?”

[We were lied to. In 2008, when we were in high school, we were told to go to college. That it was the ticket to a successful life. What they didn’t tell us is that the economy would tank. They didn’t go cover any alternatives. They never went over the cost of living and the fact that people here are working three jobs. I should have seen this with my own parents. Dad worked for the state and then worked as a janitor in the evenings. Mom still works as a financial aid officer at a state college. The preparation sucked. What the fuck am I gonna use creative writing for? Why was that in school?]

He cut the conversation short to eat his breakfast and get a shower in before work. Afterwards, he ironed a pair of pants and a golf shirt and heaved to the office where the direction informed him and Claudia:

“I have a project for the two of you. Our event is coming up at the mall. You two are going to be drawing outlines to these animal pieces on the construction poet right there. We’re expecting about 200 kids”

“No problem” Oliver said looking at the green construction paper in front of him

“It’ll be a breeze” Claudia assured him as she took a pair of scissors and the elephant trunk and demonstrated. 

“So it’s like build a bear type of think but with other animals but they’re decorating their bags with them. That’s cute”

“Yeah, so are you gonna go to the career fair next week”

“The one at the convention center?”

“Yea, I heard there’s going to be several companies there.”

[Resume-FEMA, fucking, and non-profit]

“I plan on it. Do you know if any government agencies are gonna be there? I couldn’t find a roster anywhere”

“Not sure”

They continued working while talking about goals and aspirations when he noticed an alert on her phone. Knowing the conference due to getting the same alert an hour earlier, he asked her how she knew about it? Somewhat embarrassed, she snapped “What are you doing looking at my phone?!”

“I merely glanced over!” he exclaimed before taking her aside and confessing to being involved in the worlds oldest profession “I hate it. One would think attractive people and pleasure but there’s no real live and frankly it feels like a modern version of slavery. I can’t get a decent date to save my life”

After a moment of silence, she admitted that she was a phone sex operator and that she worked in evenings. “I have a friend who also is in high class escorting”

“High class?”

“Let’s talk about it later? How about we meet for a drink after work? We need to get a bit more of this done.”

Meanwhile, Damon was scouting on the web when his eye caught the attention of a webcam modeling website.

 He though about his current life and how he’d mange to file his taxes. He normally got a 1090 at the end of the year. He also though about the repercussions of this and the thought that the clientele could  be from his local area. He had a flashback to being deployed in Germany where he and some buds where in a night club, partying surrounded by beautiful women. “We are like royalty!”  He thought about a conversation he had with his peer about wanting to serve for eight years and then retire and start college. Little did he know that half way though that time frame that he’d suffer a back injury along w/ PTSD from witnessing the death of a friend at the hands of a grenade.

He applied for work with multiple agencies and thought about how he could sporadically work vs checking in daily. With webcam modeling he could set his own schedule. With that in mind he decided to text Oliver.

“Who was that?”

“My friend Damon”

“So about how long have you with with this company?”

“About six months. I’m trying to start grad school”

They chatted while filing paperwork. They talked about politics, racial issues, economic issues, and the like. Claudia made for good company. She graduated with two degrees. She majored in English Education and Journalism and worked as a teacher’s aide for a period. She was tired of the work with virtually no pay. She responded to an add. Currently she works for a phone sex. One has seen the commercials late at night. She’s one of them. Definitely more conventional than Oliver’s current job. 

As he was getting ready to eat lunch, she Claudia asked him if he wanted to eat while they worked. “Sure” he said as he went to grab his lunch out of his bag. 

“We work with several schools in their special ed departments”

“What do y’all do?”

”We will be finalizing contracts for events mainly. But we do outreach and after school programs on social etiquette and speech practices our goal is to  help those with autism be as integrated into society as possible” Noticing Oliver’s garden salad, she asked him “you health conscious?”

“Yep. Grew up like that. My parent’s rarely fried anything, but they didn’t ban them from the house. My mom was always big on vitamins and drinking plenty of water. I practice that today, to keep things under control. Being a diabetic, I have to watch it.”

Shocked at the revelation she asked him when he was diagnosed. He was diagnosed at 6 years old.

“I’m trying to lose weight, but I find myself emotionally eating more than I should”

Trying to avoid saying anything that could be interpreted as offensive, he simply said that he had his days too, hence the reason he goes to the gym six days/week, doing a combination of cardio and weights. After they finished eating lunch, they cut more construction paper and bagged it. They filed folders away for about an hour when Oliver signed out.”See you tomorrow?”

“You’ll see me in a couple of hours.”

The sun was beaming as Oliver drove home. He rolled down his window and plugged his phone in to have some music playing. He checked the mail and saw the electric bill was in. “Shouldn’t be this much” he said “I’m never home”

He checked his email as well as his escorting profile receiving three request including one overnight stay. Booking these trips back to back, he thought about his weekly check at $8.75/hr at 25 hrs per week along w/ the money from the three client’s that he’d earn. He’d have enough to pay his final payment on his only student loan and to pay his car note.

He kicked off his shoes to give his feet some air and called his mom.

[I’m being nice. This place is a shithole, in fact the only reason my unit isn’t laden with roaches is because I frequently buy those foggers and then I have to open the damn windows and door risking my shit being stolen. Also, Bengal and Boric Acid along the cracks and corners have done wonders.]

He looked up and realized that it was time to meet Claudia. He traded in his work outfit for a pair or black cargo shorts, a zero-nineteen tank top from K-Mart, and a pair of flip-flops and headed out. He got in the truck, turned the air on and arrived to the bar 20 minutes later. Locating Claudia at a table in the bar area we walked in to meet her when the waiter took their drink order.

[She’s a pharmacy tech and she still needs to be a lady of the evening by night? I’m fucked-literally and figuratively]

She advised him to update his profile to include massages and casual dates at a lower rate. While they were talking, A woman walks up, dark skin, about 5′9, in her mid 20s. She spotted Claudia and walked in the sit next to her.

“Hey chick!”

“Hey!”

“Hello, I’m Aya, how are your doing?” she said as she reached out to shake Oliver’s hand

“Oliver, I’m good. How about you?”

“So this is the guy? He’s cute”

“He’s taken”

“Actually I’m very available”

After ordering a drink, she begin to explain to Oliver how she got into her current part time job.  “I started off escorting however a client of mine introduced me to a coworker of his that owned a matchmaking service. I showed up to a mixer I went out on one date. I never saw the guy again afterwards. That said, he did mention to me that he had utilized services where one would rent a dates for events. I eventually branched off and begin advertising on craigslist and the like.”

“So do you still...….you  know?”

“Sporadically, but that’ll cost extra.”

Later that night, he decided to update his profile w/ additional services offered. He decided to try out a couple of speed dating events himself. He might even snap a client or two.  Perhaps, he’d been looking in the wrong places, maybe it was time for more upscale social functions. His current evening work was not a glamorous job and frankly it was quite dangerous. 

[Prostitution can be traced back as far as biblical times. Not a new profession and it’s a profession that’s always been available for the money. Sometimes, we use it to pay off a loan or some sort of debt. For others, it’s the love of sex. Some just like the temporary luxury that comes with being one’s bitch. Me? I’d like nothing more than to settle down. I know there’s a way. It may take a while to find it, but I refuse to have THIS be my stop.]

STORY SYNOPSIS

CHARACTERS

PART 4 TO FOLLOW

[spnrelatedurl]

Stay Beautiful - Chapter 1

A/N: Hey. I can’t stop starting stories, so if I start another one after this without even attempting to continue one of my others - by all means - smack me! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this! I edited the cover to make Hayley Williams have purple hair as well, and I think she looks amazing! Hope you guys are good! I’m always here to chat and stuff. :)

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, mentions of death, living with autism, hopelessness.

Word count: 1588

Tag List:  @winchesters-favorite-girl @winchester-writes @storyofawinchester @rosie-winchester @bea789 (More room for anyone who wants to be added! :)

I hate travelling. I always had, and in my twenty years on this earth I never thought I’d literally have no other option. But after mum passed away I guess there really wasn’t anything else for me in England. I only had one friend and she lived ages away from me anyway. And there’s no way she could’ve put me up with anything permanent. I tried to brush my long, purple hair with my fingers, but they got caught up in the tangled knots.

“You okay, ma’am?” The Texan cab driver asked. I guess he could tell how on edge I was. I was always one to wear my heart on my sleeve.

“Yeah. I think so. How far away are we?” I asked, my heart thumping in my chest.

“About five minutes.” He answered. I nodded my head. Hopefully that gave me enough time to practice what I was gonna say.

“Hey, do you remember Nicki Clark? Well, I’m the spawn of you guys.” No. That didn’t sound right at all. Even in a time of crisis, I couldn’t take it too seriously. Maybe that’s because it didn’t feel real. Not yet anyway.

“Hi there. I’m Valentina Maribel Clark. I was called Valentina because I was born close to Valentine’s Day but that’s neither here nor there…” Ugh. Great. Even in my own mind I ramble and annoy myself. What do I even say to this guy? It’s impossible to figure out.

I mean, it feels as though my whole life has been a cruel joke. I was born feeling fairly normal, but things quickly turned sour when I reached the final years of primary school. I was bullied left right and centre from pretty much then on until I turned 12. I left school before I did something really stupid. Although, looking back, it doesn’t seem too stupid anymore. Anyway, I was diagnosed with a multitude of different things. Autism being one, depression and anxiety being another. So I went to this special school. One for kids like me. Again, it went fine until the final couple of years, but it went wrong for totally different reasons.

“We’re here, ma’am.” The driver said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I paid him all the money I had left, grabbed my bag and left the cab. I barely had anything with me. Not that I had much anyway. If I didn’t have my mum I didn’t really have anything. The cab drove away behind me as I stared at the big house in front of me. I closed my eyes and sighed. I couldn’t find a way in except from a big buzzer. But I wasn’t going to make this big revelation over a stupid speaker. I had to think of how to go about this.

I hesitated as I looked at the buzzer. It was that normal unpainted metal buzzer that everyone who has buzzers would have. It had a microphone and speaker somewhere within it. I wasn’t sure what to do. It’s not like staring at it would change anything. If anything it would make things worse. But what was I supposed to do? Without even thinking about it, my finger rushed towards the buzzer. I quickly pulled it away once I realised what I did. Then I heard a voice from the speaker.

“Hello?” A man asked. I gulped.

“Um, hi. Who is this?” I asked, trying to make sure. I heard a nervous giggle from the other end.

“You are aware you came to me, right?” He asked.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry. It’s my first day. Package for Jared Padalecki?” I lied. Okay, it was a little white lie, but I had to tell it in order to get things right.

“Come on in.” He said. The gate started opening, and I was walking on legs that felt like they could collapse at any moment, but I had no choice. I had to tell him. It took about a minute to walk to the front door, and in that time I was really, really, starting to regret taking this trip even more than I already was. The front door was open, revealing a tall man who I knew was my father. Jared Padalecki.

“Hi.” I greeted. I started studying his face. The dimples in his cheeks, the shape of his nose, the colour of his eyes. Really anything that could give me a sign that this wasn’t true. He just looked at me weird, and I shook my head.

“So, where’s the package?” He asked, seemingly trying to forget my weird looks.

“Oh, um yeah. They’re more really papers.” I said. I fished for them in my bag, then hesitantly handed them to him. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose without even reading them.

“Listen, I’m sure you’re a lovely girl, but I don’t appreciate fans coming to my house to get an autograph or picture or whatever-“ He began. I shook my head.

“No, it’s not that.” I said, but he evidently ignored me. He pointed inside his house.

“I have a family in here who deserve the most normal life I can provide for them, and no offence, but this doesn’t help matters at all.” He finished. Tears were in my eyes the moment he mentioned ‘family.’ I clearly wasn’t part of his. I scoffed after a short pause.

“You know what? Keep the stupid papers. I don’t need them.” I said angrily. I turned on my heel and stormed off. I didn’t know exactly where I was going, but I know I needed to get away before he found out that this annoying girl was actually his daughter.

It wasn’t long before I stumbled across a stream of water. It didn’t look like a strong current at all, but for now it would be okay to just sit on the bank of grass alongside it. I then started crying. This would never have happened if I remained ignorant. If mum was okay. If I didn’t need to know who my dad was. If I was normal.

Sunlight dances over the girl’s soft curls. Her green eyes observing the relatively new world around her. She giggled when she noticed her mother. She toddled towards her, tripping on the dewy grass in the process. She then got up again, not hurt at all. She lunged her sticky fingers towards her mother and gummed on her knee.

I smiled slightly at the memory. It was a happy one that was now turned sour by the fact all I have is memories. Nothing real. I can no longer hug my mum whenever I needed. I don’t think I had anything anymore if I didn’t have that. I closed my eyes for a moment and considered joining her, wherever she was – even though I knew she’d hate me thinking like that. But she was always there to stop me from having those thoughts. The brightness above me turned dark, so I opened my eyes. Jared was there with eyes stained red from tears.

“You – um… you came here alone?” He asked. I nodded my head and sat up slightly.

“Yeah.” I answered.

“Where’s Nicki now?” He asked, sitting next to me. I rolled my eyes up as far as they would go to try and stop myself from crying.

“In a box underground.” I answered plainly. “I mean, she would’ve probably liked me to say heaven, but after having to identify her body and basically sort everything out… I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like she’s in heaven. In fact, it doesn’t feel like anyone as amazing as her deserves to be anywhere else right now.”

“Jesus!” He said, trying to stop himself from crying further.

“I don’t even know what I expected. The truth is that I have nowhere else to go. I was hoping you wouldn’t resent my mum this much so I could stay with you – but clearly you do. Listen, I never ever asked for you in my life. I never asked anything of you. Not a card for my birthday or a present for Christmas, nothing. But if you have anything to get me back to England I’ll try to find a way to pay you back. I mean, it’s not like…”

“Whoa, slow down a sec. I just found out I have a twenty-year-old daughter. That’s gonna take a while to sink in.” He said. I nodded my head.

“Sorry.” I said, looking down at the ground. I was feeling the grass that felt soft under my hands but itchy under my legs.

“How long have you known?” He asked. I shrugged

“That you were my dad? I don’t know. Maybe about a month. Mum offered to tell me but I said no.” I answered.

“That’s a pretty big thing to suddenly get thrown at you.” He said, trying to sympathise. I shrugged.

“How did you know where I was anyway?” I asked. He smiled sadly.

“It’s not exactly a long walk from the house.” He said, nodding towards the back of a house which I could tell now was his.

“Oh.” I said.

“Listen – I think first thing’s first. We need a DNA test just to be sure.” He said. I nodded my head.

“Okay.” I answered.

“And then once we get the results back, depending on the outcome, you’re welcome to stay with us.” He said. I just nodded my head, and hoped for the best – whatever it may be.

[knightofbalance-13]

http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/158821156544/rant-on-yangs-nonexistent-recovery-arc

I wanna preface this before I begin: I really do think yang needed more screentime this Volume. She got shafted in Volume 1 and 2 and here it was a souring experience to see her sidelined. Now I am not blaming Jaune: That guy had about a third of the screen time to himself than Yang. If I were to blame someone in the series, I’d blame Blake for hogging an entire episode to herself or Tyrian for taking up ending time that could have been used for Yang. But my honest opinion? I’m optimistic: If the writers show that Yang ahsn’t gotten over the PTSD in latter Volumes I will actually be very happy. Nothing is more insulting than underplaying the lasting effects of a mental illness, making it seem easy to get over. I didn’t get that vibe from Yang considering she had to be depressed for around nine months considering it was fall when we saw her after Beacon, it was winter after that and a minimum of six months have passed since that point. It’s entirely possible for Yang to recover in that span of time, especially if Volume 4 was told out of order.

I am saying this now to put what I am about do in context: I am a Yang fan, my main complaint with V4 was that she got too little screentime and I have an aversion to mental illnesses being downplayed. By all rights, I should agree with @Dudebblade right?

Well...

IF YOU WERE TO USE THE SAME TECHNIQUES SHOWN IN RWBY ON A PTSD VICTIM, YOU WOULD BE CALLED OUT ON YOUR INSENSITIVITY!

This isn highly hypocritical as Dudeblade has in the past said that Taiyang was wrong for breaking down after Summer’s death....his team leader...and the mother of his second daughter and caretaker of his first...after losing Raven, his first love and mother of Yang...all in about four years time...leaving him a single widower of two, a job meant for to people at minimum. It’s hard raising a kid I know, I’ve been hearing my mom state the hardships for years. And quite frankly, I wasn’t that hard of a kid I didn’t go around challenging demonic wolves or attacking bars and as much as I love my mom, Taiyang is a better parent than both of them and suffered even more than her. And Dudeblade calls this insensitive but not a widower. Yeah, he’s not allowed to talk.

I don’t give a shit if the arc was “Too hard” to write. You set yourself up to make a recovery arc. You should deliver. If it wasn’t as easy as you thought it was, then you should tough it out, and do it. Otherwise you failed to deliver on something that you promised.

You promised to be my friend and then betrayed me three times. Again, Hypocriticial.

It’s like if the RWBY writers promised that there would be LGBT representation, but refuses to point them out… Oh wait… That’s actually what’s happening right now.

You now, I have an LGBT friend named @mageknight14 and he’s just as sick of this as I am. I am starting to think they SHOULDN’T have an LGBT character if you keep bitching. You don’t hear me bitching for Asperger’s representation even though Autism is synonomous with “Brain damamged” in the world and the closest thing I have to a representitive is Sheldon Cooper.

Alright, something I’m going to have to do, is to compare this show’s PTSD recovery arc, with another show’s recovery arc. Not to be a dick or anything, but the only other well-known show that did a PTSD recovery arc well, was Legend of Korra. Not to compare RWBY to a show that has had an entire team of writers, professional animators, a previous series that was well-received, and an epic premise to undermine it or anything, but hey. Miles did say that the Season three of LoK missed the line by an inch, and found it “Meh” (Yep. Bringing that one back.)

Oh so people’s personal opinion is something you are allowed to judge them on? Okay then, you like Raven ergo anything you have to say about parental characters ever is disregarded. And unlike you who has stated their opinion as fact, Miles stated his opinion as ONLY that. And if you’re gonna pull that, how about I start comparing your DB chronicals to Miles’ writing? Let’s see: Pandering to LGBT demographic with Tifa and Yang, crappy reasoning for not using Goku or Superman which hasn’t been addressed, under usage of the Villians, under suage of Vegeta, directly copying and pasting Godzilla Vs. Gamera ect. Doesn’t feel to good huh? Maybe next time you could learn some empathy?

Hey, if Miles wants to criticize a show, and claim that “missing the mark by an inch” makes the finale “Meh”, then I can say that missing an entire plot by a light year is INFURIATING.

And I can point out the bullshit in your crap without an inch of regret or remorse. Funny how that works.

It’s almost as if it was the most insulting piece of shit that I have had to watch since reading poorly written fanfics that were clearly meant to troll people.

You emna like basic pandering, random and lazy fourth wall breaks, expecting us that Deadpool would be friends with you, under using 90% of your cast, making some deity look after you and making Yang and Guts look similar when they share like three basic things together? Or how about yang remembering Carolina ahs Pyrrha’s voice but the snarky AI in her suit that sounds like her father? Nope, nothing to see there. Also, TYang knows RT but doesn’t know a single person from RvB because...plot?

I’m getting off-topic here. Legend of Korra Book 4 handled PTSD with an ENORMOUS amount of seriousness, respect, and time. Not only was this a case of a timeskip being used in a manner that was actually the right way of using it, but they showed that Korra was struggling. While she could always blame it on the mercury poisoning, it showed that Korra wasn’t merely “moping” (I will never let that line go), it showed that she was terrified. She wanted to get better, but she had to go at her own pace.

Yeah and tehw riters of Korra had a shit ton more experience, payment and less pressure considering they could coast off of the original’s success. Which they kind of did seeing as I have heard a shit ton of non-LGBT people call bull on Korrasami.

Okay then, I will never let anything yousay go then as well. Have fun with that: My specialty is turning one’s words against them.

In fact, she had to be the one to decide to get the mercury out of her system. She wasn’t guilt-tripped into doing it, she did it because she was ready. It had nothing to do with someone calling her a burden. It was because it was at that moment, that she had recovered. There’s a reason why this episode stands out from most. It was because, through the help of Toph, Korra managed to overcome her fears and doubts, and remove the mercury herself.

Okay...is Yang Korra? No? Then they will NOT handle this situation the same way. Unless they are carbon copies of each other or at least have the same basic experiences, your point DOES NOT stand. And since you just expect us to take your wrd for it after insulting Taiyang, Miles and later on you will use Shane and Monty to attack RT, I have no good will.

Hm, let’s go through this again shall we?

Terrified...Guess that Adam dream or the PTSD flash never happened...

Choose to get the Mercury out of her system...Not how the body works...And taiyang didn’t stitch it on neither did Yang have to deal with her fault at letting her sister be in danger. Yeah, If Taiyang is a bad father for breaking down, Yang is a worse sister because she broke down longer, with no one to help Ruby, over less pain and had support all unlike taiyang.

And is RWBY over yet? ... No? Then I’d bet you’ll be eating your words sooner than latter.

RWBY just rushed it. Yang wasn’t given time to actually decide to put the arm on, her father heavily implied that she was a burden, she overheard it, and felt guilty (Seriously, how did she hear that? Is she some kind of rare half-breed or something?).

Like all children are: it’s a fact of life get use to it. Whether or not the child or parent think that way, iyt is a fact. Just as well: We only have your word on that. You, who have proven you are projecting your own parental problems onto Taiyang. yeah, you are the definition of Unreliable Narrator.

But hey, let’s take a look at Berserk. Let’s see what would happen if we were to use RWBY’s techniques on Casca. Hey, Casca! I know you got assaulted by the man you used to love romantically and everything, and that he violated you in ways that we probably couldn’t even begin to comprehend, but how about you get over it? - And now, I have been bifurcated by Guts for saying something like that. Why? Because Casca from Berserk has PTSD! She’s not going to magically get better by getting some heals or shit like that! She has PTS FUCKING D! You either treat it with respect, or don’t set yourself up to write it out to begin with.

Pardonnez-moi, mais vous n'avez aucune idée de ce que vous dites.

Okay then, let’s use your method of parenting on Guts shall we?

HEY GUTS! DUDEBLADE SAID YOU’RE A TERRIBLE FATHER FOR BREAKING DOWN AFTER TEH ECLIPSE AND CASCA’S RAPE, THAT YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE CONSIDERED GOOD AGAIN AND THAT YOU ARE WORSE THAN YOUR OWN FATHER AND GRIFFITH!

Oh look, he’s pretty pissed. Hope you enjoy having a crossbow shoved up your neither regions.

Also: Is Yang and Casca the same person? Have they faced the same troubles? Do they even share one event in the past? NO. So how about you stop using stupid examples and I might stop Guts from shoving his sword up your uretha?

Then Tai said, “Looks like you lost some brain cells along with that arm of yours.” Keep in mind that both Port and Oobleck were shocked at this. It shows that Tai crossed a line there, and in all honesty, if Yang hadn’t laughed, they would have been scared shitless for Yang’s mental health. Something that they didn’t really consider. These are supposed to be her teachers and parents, but they don’t do anything to actually help Yang get better mentally. Not to mention that Miles and Kerry said that writing the PTSD recovery arc was “too hard.” is rather insulting considering NOTHING HAPPENED! I don’t give a shit about that. I don’t give a single shit if it was “Too hard.” or not. You have to do it in a respectful manner, or you become one of the most insensitive people ever. to the point where I think that this becomes appropriate:

Oh so you’re insensitive for telling one joke but not for directly insulting someone when they are trying to help you? Because Yang did EXACTLY that! remember this line?

“I lost a part of me, it’s gone and it’s never coming back. You can’t possibly understand how that feels.”

She says this to man who lost both of his lovers, lost his team, nearly lost his kids twice with one comatose and the other depressed and hurting him for trying to help, had to wake up every day for six months wondering if his brother in law, daughter and friends were all dead. It’s like bitching about a hangnail in front of Guts: Not comparable in the slightest. If I were Taiyang I would have walked up to her, got in her face and recounted everything that I have lost to her and make her see just how much she actually lost.

Not enough? How about Ruby, her younger sister who lost more than her, was comatose for it and preserved still? Or Qrow, who lives with misfortune over his head 24/7? By far: Yang is the BEST one off so by your logic, she has no right to complain and neither do you!

Yeah. People who treat PTSD as insensitively as the writers did should be fired from breathing.

... You are telling them to die over a fictional character...

You know what is even more insulting dudeblade? Using suicide baiting right in front of a formerly suicidal person. Fuck you in every sense of the word.

Before anyone says any bullshit about how Red vs. Blue had the character ripping on each other, so that this is “okay.” - I’d like to point out that in the scene where Doc’s split personality O’Mally, roasts Grif for having to take care of his sister because his father left, and his mother was in the circus. Nobody really laughed. And when Doc snapped out of it, he apologized. None of the Reds or Blues ever hit that close to home, and when it did happen, they treated it seriously. It wasn’t a joke, it wasn’t a punchline, it was an actual serious thing.

Yes itw as a joke. It’s called Black humor and the narrative treated it as  afailed attempt at Doc’s peace which was the real punchline. And the same guy also insulted his own sister several times throughout the BGC.

And what about getting shot by a tank, being told you’re worthless, being said you won’ta mount to anything, being forced off to die several times and take the blame for everything? That’s the entirety of the BGC’s thing.

And it was treated seriously as a way to break the ice and unlike Grif, YANG WAS OKAY WITH IT. And unlike Doc, Taiyang KNOWS YANG. HE RAISED HER! How convenient for you to not mention these factors huh?

The really infuriating part was the fact that it started off so well. Yang nearly had a panic attack when she dropped the glass, she was having nightmares about Adam, she openly said that she felt as if “A part of her was missing, and it wasn’t coming back.”, she had gotten used to using only one arm- It was going so well! At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if the current writing team for RWBY would be unable to write a respectful, and realistic PTSD Recovery arc to save their lives. The writing’s become shit since they booted Monty’s wife, Sheena and Shane off the team. I’m sure they REALLY appreciate it.

(Growls deeply)

You wanna know what is really fucking sick, as in, I can NEVER forgive, that I have deemed people horrible for, that has truly made me hate them?

Using a person’s death or mental illness for their own gain, usually attacking friends and family with it.

Like you have done with Monty and Shane.

I hoep you’re happy because you have crossed so many lines. I hope you’re happy being hateful and pessimistic because you know what? You are no better than those people at Yang Haters Haven for threatening Ben and Chad’s lives. In fact, you are WORSE than them. You are essentially digging up Monty’s corpse to beat his friends, his grieving friends who shared so much with, with it. Congratulations, you are what you hate. Except they can always say “I never used a dead man for my own gains.”

I have no respect for you, no hope for you, no kindness for you.

You are worse than most people in the rwde tag and that is saying a lot considering their suicide baiting and death threats.

Enjoy the fucking hole you dug for yourself, I’ll be sure to fill it up and put you out of your misery never.

[junkdrawernoggin]

memories from when I was younger:

(please note, my dad and I get a long great now, but we both had severe mental health problems we were battling. Did not lead to a great relationship when I was little. My mom, sister and I barely talk. Live in seperate states now)

I couldn't read until about 2nd grade. I had been in speech therapy since I was in Kindergarten and I was already pretty well viewed by my family as the social kid who was a fucking dunce.

My older sister started reading very early on, and could read anything that took me days to read in about an hour. She did it pretty often to show off. I looked up to her like she was the greatest thing on God's green earth. She has autism, but she was a cute kid, great friend to have, and pretty popular. She didn't let anything stop her. My dad even started to believe that autism was the next evolution of humans simply based on how smart JoJo was for her age.

Meanwhile, I could barely read. Now, that was because everytime I tried to read my mom would laugh at me. Yup, she would laugh, and laugh, and then I would cry and give up. Because Everytime I messed up I went back to the start to try again. She thought that was very funny. I didn't do my homework because I didn't understand math. I basically did work for art, music and nothing else.

Well, eventually my Dad took Jo. As in, my sister had really bad anger management problems, and my mom couldn't really manage her anymore. He was married to my Stepmom at this point, and Jo seemed to do a lot better with them. Grades soared, reading got faster, teachers adored her, made some of the best friends she'd ever had, that sort of thing.

That was in 2nd grade for me

That was the year my dad shoved a paper upside down in front of me, and asked me to read it. I didn't understand what he was doing. He said "Well, maybe the reason you can't read, is because you're trying to read through the paper!" God, that was humiliating. My own dad thought that I was so fucking stupid, that I didn't even know what side of the paper I was supposed to read.

Then came the reading classes. My grade was dropping, and I hated all of my teachers. I became difficult to work with. I was so angry at everything in the world. Angry that my sister was perfect. Angry that my dad has swooped in and saved my sister, but didn't try to save me. Angry that my mom was never home, and when she was all she did was sleep and scream. Angry that I was this horrible monster that everyone gave up on, and I couldn't stop it.

Then came the first panic attack. Sitting with my friends at girl scouts, trying to sell cookies. My heart hurt so bad I thought I was dying. I hid behind a stack of sodas and hyperventilated. Nobody came to check on me. I had to walk to my Grandma and tell her I couldn't breathe.

And so I started therapy. I fucking hated her. She would tell me that I should try going out and doing stuff with my mom! Sureeee that'll work when she doesn't see me on weekends and pays attention to my sister when we do have weekends together. Sure. I'll be able to convince my mom I'm worth her time. AT EIGHT YEARS OLD. Yup, reasonable hopes to set for an 8 year old.

So, then came 4th grade. Got kicked out of class once a day. Hated everyone around me. I had two very good friends, that both came from these great sweet families. And I was so angry I just let it loose at them. Picked up a bully that year, Alana. Nobody ever did anything to help me. She screamed at me, hit me, threw me against the wall, was genuinely an awful human being. That. THAT is when my counselor had enough. I told me mom I was moving in with my dad that day after her birthday, and she just fuckin sobbed.

Moved in with my dad. He gave me another shot. And suddenly, I was a glory child. They checked and I had a college reading level. My dad made us read for an hour every night, and I would stay up till 11, or sometimes 12 (scandalous I know) reading, reading, reading. I read young adult books as thick as my fist. I read non fiction, fiction, biographies, everything. I was top of my class, I was a great singer, I made friends pretty quick on (had major trust issues tho, but hey, the effort was there). I was going to prove everyone wrong. Prove that I was worth something. Prove that I wasn't just going to be the amazing Jo's sister when I grew up. Still was always in her shadow though.

That is, until the first attempt (warning: suicide)

Now, at this point I was seeing a new counselor, I had been diagnosed with Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression. But, I was pushing my way through every day. Jo however, was not. She started becoming the poster child for females with Autism for where we are from (an area known for work on autism, and a hub of autism speaks) my mom had her trial all kinda of meds, my dad had gone to all this different autism speaks stuff with her (didn't know what they were about) and my sister sort of became consumed by her illness.

She went to school in 7th grade, and walked out at lunch with my parents on the way to the child psych ward. She came in and told her favorite counselor that the voices were telling her to hurt people, so she was going to kill herself to make them shut up.

I didn't know until I came home and noticed both of my parents were there. Piles, and, piles and piles of notebooks that she had his were stacked all over the couch. Each carefully combed through looking for evidence, for a warning sign, for something we missed. I remember that my cousin and grandmother (stepmom's side) came over, while I ate an entire pizza by myself and cried.

Everything changed after that

She swore, cussed, fought, screamed. She became a menace. She hit my stepmom especially, hated my stepmom with everything she had. She hurt my mom too. Only person she wouldn't touch is my dad (my sister just really doesn't like girls to be honest). She beat the shit out of me all the time. We would play, and then she'd hit too hard, punch too hard, throw something at me. It was awful. But I was hush about it.

Fast forward to attempt #2.

She had been grounded consecutively for probably 6 months at this point, minor breaks in between. She was pretty terrible. She scared the shit out of me, and constantly started fights with my stepmom. We ended up calling the police when she punched my stepmom in the face. Scariest months of my life honestly.

The next day, I gave her my iPad. She was pretty much addicted to technology. I gave her my iPad so that she could have some fun for the day, and we could all chill out. I made dinner, and my dad was out of town on business (good time to mention that we had recently moved 1400 miles away. Both of us consented too it, I wanted to move really badly). I remember thinking that I did a really great job at dinner, and Jo and I had a really good conversation. My roommate was home with us too. She didn't eat much, which I thought was weird. And then she went upstairs and went to take a dump.

My stepmom got home, and she was wondering where Jo was. I thought it was weird too, because she'd been gone for awhile and left her food. I went upstairs to go get her because my stepmom wanted to talk.

The screen was missing.

The window was open and the screen was missing.

I checked everywhere, I was yelling, hysterical. I assumed she had run away. She'd tried to a couple times before, and I thought she finally did it. I came downstairs

"Jo's gone"

"what do you mean Jo's gone?"

"Jo's gone! I can't find her! The screen was pulled out, and I can't find her!"

My stepmom thought that maybe Jo was hiding. We checked EVERYWHERE. We made sure the bikes were still there, we made sure everything was where it was supposed to be. She left her shoes and wallet, so we were really confused.

My stepmom and roommate both got in their cars are started going up and down our main Street and community. No luck.

My roommate decided to check outside. Maybe she was waiting till we were asleep to run?

"Found her!" He was yelling.

My stepmom was on the phone with my dad. We had to try and get her inside, she refused to use her legs. She still has the scar from getting dragged up the steps and falling on one.

We sat her on the couch and she couldn't really talk, I thought she was in shock (didn't know you had to loose blood for that, forgive lil me)

I got her to write down what meds she had taken. My roommate called the paramedics because we thought they were gonna have to pump her stomach.

She had taken an entire discount (bigger size) bottle of melatonin. She had also taken my stepmom's hardcore pain meds from her recent surgery.

My dad was sobbing on the phone. Only time I have ever heard him cry. It was already late and he was a 6 hour drive away, but he still drove back that night. They took my sister out on a stretcher while my stepmom screamed at her. I was crying.

To be clear: we all know that she did not mean to kill herself. I looked on my iPad and it specifically said "how do you jump from a window without killing yourself". She even admitted to it later on. She did a drop hang from a 2 story floor to ceiling window and she's about 5'1. My sister is smart enough to know that it could not possibly kill her.

Guess there will be a part 2. This isn't really for anyone but me. I just need to get some things out that nobody has ever heard.

[butterflyinaweb-blog]

The Sunshine Family

Talia had gotten The Sunshine Family dolls from her Mom as a present before they had moved to Monticello Ky. Only it wasn’t until she was playing dolls with her cousin Amy in Monticello Ky on a flat rock that sat in the yard of her Grandma’s house that a premonition was triggered.

That night a dream came to her about her future life and two of the children she would later have. She saw just a sliver of the life she would have and wanted to already be living that life when she woke up. Talia excitedly told Amy she was going to be the Mommy in the Sunshine Family. Amy asked her what the Sunshine Family was. Talia tried to explain but only her Mommy knew about the Sunshine Family dolls she’d given Talia as her first set of dolls. Talia no longer had the complete set since they’d moved. 

Years later

Talia had long since forgotten her premonition of being The Sunshine Family.

Life hadn’t been very kind to her after her Grand mother had passed and Talia had so much on her mind and being a teen mother and living with her Mom and Dad. It wasn’t a place she wanted her and her son Jesse to be.

Not to mention the fact that  Her son had been talking all the way up until they had taken him up to get his MMR shot at the Y (albeit he sound like Froggy on Lil Rascals but he was talking all the same.) Jesse had gotten a really high fever the night after and broke out in a rash. He had also quit talking all together. They’d taken him to Dr. Wince and he had said it was due to exposure to someone with Herpes. That it was nothing and it would go away and that Jesse would talk when he felt like it.  They hadn’t been around anyone with Herpes. So they had thought maybe he had been exposed at the Y. In the months that had followed Jesse never spoke again. They hadn’t questioned Dr. Wince’s diagnosis until they realized Jesse wasn’t going to talk again. They started seeking other opinions from other Doctors and specialists and Jesse was given a Brain Stem evaluation. Jesse was diagnosed as having mild autism. One of the specialists had explained shots were contained in mercury and that he felt that some of this mercury had settled in Jesse’s brain and it was blocking his ability to communicate. He explained that words may come when Jesse is very upset or angry due to the mercury and it’s movement during those times. He also said the mercury could not be removed without endangering Jesse further. Talia wondered if it that had had anything to do with the Rubella shot she had been given in her third trimester since the Brain Stem test also revealed that Jesse had had a stroke at some point in her third trimester. The Dr. had stated it very well could have a lot to do with it. Talia also wondered if that had affected the way Jesse sounded when he could still talk but she hadn’t thought of it to ask while there with the Dr.

So Indeed Talia had a lot on her mind that day as she stared at the tv screen with her Contra game paused as it had been since Jesse had woke up. She had given Jesse a spoon and the peanut butter jar ( his favorite snack ) and sat him down beside her. Jesse ,  of course , hadn’t stayed sitting there. He walked around and around the room and Talia watched him touching everything he passed as he always did.

Her mind full of worry about finding a job when no one wanted to hire someone as young as she was. She couldn’t take living with her parents anymore because they were always yelling and always arguing. If they didn’t argue with one another her Mom would direct it towards her and her Dad would back her on whatever she said. It made no difference if it was a legitimate argument or not to her Dad. He always backed her. Talia sometimes thought it was because he would be relieved it wasn’t him she was picking on. At any rate they weren’t resorting to physically fighting anymore. Not since she’d called the police and her and Jesse both were put into Foster Care. The fact they placed them both in foster care told Talia it would be quite some time before she’d be able to move out with Jesse. This bothered her quite a bit. She worried if she tried to leave if they’d take her son away from her because she was to young. Every conceivable out of this situation led to that fear. Soon she was only watching Jesse with her Peripheral vision as he circled the room. Wishing she could turn to her family but they had all but disappeared from her life except LaDonna. LaDonna was just starting out and offered no solutions except as someone to keep her sanity. 

The knock at the door brought Talia deep from her thoughts and as she stood she saw what Jesse had done while she was lost in thought. She looked around the room and everywhere he had touched was peanut butter. Talia busted out laughing, “ Oh my goodness you lil stinker! “ Jesse never looked away from his task of making the peanut butter room until Talia quietly took the jar from his hand. She answered the door. It was just Mike and she was relieved it was just him. ( She had dated Mike in high school and they had stayed friends. ) “ Look at what this lil stinker did .” Talia said as she pointed around the room. Mike giggled. “Hey Buddy did you have fun.” Jesse didn’t look away from his task of smearing what peanut butter he could find on the rest of the room as Talia started around the room cleaning after him and talking to Mike. By the time she got it cleaned up and got to Jesse he was smearing what peanut butter he had left all over himself. 

There was another knock at the door. Talia looked at Jesse , then at Mike and as she was glancing out the window Mike says, “ Oh yeah Can Lonnie come in to use the bathroom?” Talia said, “Lonnie?” Mike said, “Yeah the one you thought was named Lonnie Anderson and asked me about.” Talia looks at Jesse and says, “ Oh My God! He’s here?!” Mike smiled and said, “Yeah!” 

All of the sudden Talia is panicking .. she notices peanut butter in a few places she hadn’t seen on the t.v. and Nintendo box. Her son has peanut butter on his clothes and is now wiping it in his hair. Talia hasn’t brushed her hair yet. (Lonnie was the one she had spent hour after hour talking to on the phone and fell totally and completely in love with whom she had never met in person. )  “Mike!” Mike says, “What?! I thought you wouldn’t mind to finally meet him in person. I can tell him you don’t want to meet him.” Mike leans towards the window, “ Hey Dude go back to the car.” Talia yells “ No! Wait!” and flings the door open. The instant their eyes met she knew he was the one from her Sunshine Family premonition and it all came flooding back. She stood there speechless holding her peanut covered son. 

. 

[growthvue]

Help Autistic Kids Travel by Making Ability Guidebooks

Brett Bigham on episode 147 of the 10-Minute Teacher Podcast

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

Autistic children can struggle with unfamiliar places. However, one teacher of the year has found a way to help improve traveling experiences for autistic children and their families. Brett Bigham has created a way to use books to help special needs and young children prepare to go to new places. Learn about this technique and how to help children travel who may have fears. You can even make books for kids (or some older students might be able to as well.) What a life-changing concept! Ability books for those with special needs.

Book Creator for Chrome. Previously on the 10-Minute Teacher, guests have mentioned Book Creator as one of their top apps for the iPad. Well, now we can all use Book Creator in our classrooms using the Chrome web browser. Make books, send the link to parents and even include audio and video.

This is a perfect idea for special ed teachers and parents who want to use today’s show and make books Book Creator will let you record audio and video AND share the link with parents.

As a teacher, you can get started with a library of 40 books as part of their free version – go to http://ift.tt/2y2OTLZ to get started now. This is great news! Now we can all use Book Creator in our classrooms, on any device, using the Chrome web browser.

Listen Now

Listen to the show on iTunes or Stitcher

Stream by clicking here.

Below is an enhanced transcript, modified for your reading pleasure. All comments in the shaded green box are my own. For guests and hyperlinks to resources, scroll down.

***

Enhanced Transcript

Vicki: Today we’re talking with Brett Bigham @2014ortoy, AKA “Mr. B” who was Oregon Teacher of the Year 2014.

Brett, your love and passion has been kids with special needs, for quite some time. And you work with older kids who have special needs, so we’re going to talk a little bit about a way that you helped kids with special needs kind of transition to other places. So, give me an example of something you’ve done.

How Brett helped his autistic and special needs kids take field trips each week

Brett: I worked with students who were ages 18-21, for quite a while, and a lot of my students had pretty severe autism. My classroom’s a county level classroom. So I was only getting students if the local district couldn’t handle their health or their behavior. I had two full-time nurses in my room and a very busy class.

So, what I started to discover was that when I took some of those kids with severe autism out on a field trip, they were melting down. They really couldn’t stand not knowing what was coming up.

So I kind of realized, “Well, I need to fix that,” instead of deciding they should go on field trips. I decided I have to modify what I’m doing. So I started going the week before to the event or the field trip we were going on. And we went out every Friday. It was part of our program, to get our students more used to being out in the community.

So if we were going to ride on the Portland Tram, I would go the weekend before and take pictures of every step. “These are the stairs you go in, this is the door you open, this is the ticket machine,” — every step they need to do the field trip.

I’d make a book. I’d print the pictures into the book, and then write all the steps. Then we would spend the week going over what was coming up.

They’re similar to a “social story,” which a lot of people who work with autism will see, like, “I’m Going to the Doctor” or a trip, or how to go. And they’re step-by-step, but they’re very generic. And I needed specifics.

I had to show the staircase they were going to walk up. I had to show them the signs they needed to look at to find the arrows of where to go. So, I just started doing them in my own room.

How one family was finally able to go on vacation

And after a while, one of my students that really needed these had what’s called Severe Self-Injurious Behavior. She would hit herself when she became upset. It was so terrible to see. It was the worst day of my career the first time she had one of these episodes. The year before I got her, she was sent home 34 times for that. The first year I had her, we had three incidents. Two of them were right at the beginning, and I started using the books. The next year she had zero. And the next year she had zero.

And her family started going on vacations. They had never gone on a trip in their entire life with her, and they were able to go to Hawaii. I made a book, “I’m Going to Hawaii,” and was able to go online and find vacation pictures from people.

And people took pictures of everything, so I got the inside of the plane so I could show her, “This is the inside of the plane you’re going to go on.” And they were actually the Aloha Airlines logos, but a plane stuffed with people. A lot of times, you know, you can get a picture of the airplane, but it’s empty. And this was crammed full, so she knew exactly what to expect.

And when her parents got back from the trip, their life was changed. Absolutely changed. They didn’t have a single incident the whole time.

And now that student has graduated. And when I met her, she was someone – they were trying to figure out how they could make a life for this young lady – one that meant she never had to leave her house. And when she left me, she got a job, and she goes to work five days a week. Her whole family’s life is changed from it.

How Brett puts pictures together

Vicki: So, you take the pictures. Do you have a technology you use to put these books together?

Brett: I do it in two different ways. I make a printout version that you can just look at on your computer and print out. And then I use Microsoft Sway because they have a feature where I can record the book. And that can also be used on the phone. So someone could take the phone, and push a button, and it will read it to them.

I’ve just started recording them. I only have one of them done. I have 45 books at this point.

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How to Find the books

Vicki: Wow. Can people get them online? Can you give a link?

Brett: They are. They are all online, but sadly, most of them are only in places where I’ve been. So, I have quite a few books for Washington D.C., because I’m there for conferences. I have Portland, Oregon, where I’m from. Last year I was at the NNSTOY Conference in Chicago, and we took in the Chicago Art Institute, so they have a book. So, it kind of depends where I go. But I go a lot of places these days.

Vicki: And so they can tweet you to ask you to – if they have a special request?

Brett: Absolutely. You know, I would love to do that. Or I would help somebody in another state. If they said, “I really… I need to make this for my student.” I would walk them through every step, and then I would hope that they’d let me put them on my blog. It’s MrBsClassroom.com, and they’re all on there.

What happened, though, since I have had this opportunity to go out and speak, I’ve made books now for eleven countries. So, I’m starting to collect people who can translate. I have an Italian mom who has a son with autism, and she’s translating all the books I wrote for Italy into Italian.

So my outreach is – I’ll do the best I can, which is an English book on how to go to visit the Coliseum, when I went. But it’s in English, so it helps somebody who speaks English who can go to the Coliseum, but this housewife is making it a tool for every person with autism in Italy. And that’s my dream.

How do you use the books with children?

Vicki: So you have the book. You show it to the child. You talk it through. So, describe what you do, once you have the book in hand, when you’re sitting down. You’re sitting down one-on-one with the child for this?

Brett: I’ve done both. You know, with the whole classroom, showing them. And then I’ll sit with a student, and we’ll just go page by page, and like this is… You know, I read the book to them and point at the picture and say, “We’re going to go here, and these are the stairs that we’re going to go up. You don’t need to be worried about that.” In the books, I always focus on “This is a safe place. Stay with your group.”

But I always show pictures – at least one in every book, I think, of someone sitting down on a chair somewhere – where I say, “If it gets to be too much, you can just sit down and rest for a minute. You don’t need to get upset. Just have a minute. Take a moment. Have a seat.”

Vicki: And you show them a place where they can sit…

Brett: Exactly.

Vicki: Ohhhh, so you’re giving them an out. You’re saying, “OK.” In some ways it’s metacognition. “OK, I realize I’m getting tired. So I’m going to ask to sit over here.”

Brett: Absolutely. And that way, they don’t have to stress out because someone doesn’t understand what they want. They can show me in the book. “I’m ready to sit down.” It gives them a way to communicate back, or maybe even to ask a simple type of question about the outing.

Vicki: This is genius. I mean, it’s just beautiful.

Helping kids and people with the fear of the unknown

Brett: But it’s not genius. It’s so… You know, once I realized that these people who have such a… That autism comes in so many different shades and varieties and… But the people who have that fear of the unknown, and the transition problems… Once I just took a moment to sit down and say, “Well, how do I fix that?” And it was a simple fix. They just need to know. But I had to figure out a way to get them to know.

And I feel sorry for my friends. I’m always – my poor partner – I’m always tricking them. “Hey, let’s go to breakfast downtown.” Then while we’re down there, I’m like, “Well, while we’re here, let’s go down by the Tram. I need to take some pictures. So you know, all my friends have been in books, and course they always say OK. How do you say no to that?

Vicki: Yeah, because I want to help a child who really needs the help.

Brett: Absolutely.

Vicki: So… we’re going to put the link to the blog in the Shownotes.

Brett: Thank you.

Vicki: And do you have on your blog instructions for teachers who want to create books like you’ve done?

Brett: I haven’t done that, because nobody’s asked for it yet.

Vicki: I’m asking! (laughs)

Brett: You know what?

Vicki: I think people are going to want to know how to do that!

We need more travel books for children who struggle with fears of the unknown

Brett: If there’s a teacher who thinks that this is the answer to helping one of their students, I will do everything they need to help. If they can take the pictures for me, I can write the book for them. I haven’t done that yet, but I keep hoping I will have to. I’m trying to be the guy who takes the snowball at the top of the hill and pushes it. Because I can. It’s taken me twelve years to do 45 books. And that’s… that’s not enough. You know, I want… I want every Smithsonian Museum on the mall to have a book. And every important place, and every city… I want them to have a book, because, without them, people who have these issues with the transition will never get to go. Or if they go, it won’t be successful.

Vicki: So it just opens up a great opportunity for those with autism to be able to go places. It’s a great strategy.

Brett: Right. And if you have a listener who decided, you know, this is what my daughter needs. And they want to make a book, what I will do then is I’ll take that book and put that on my blog, and maybe help them find somewhere locally where they can do it so that the people in their community can share the book. And if ten people just do one book, then your community has the support it needs. I’ve done twelve for Portland, and it makes it one of the most accessible cities in the United States for people with this autism

Vicki: So what do you call these books?

Brett: I call them Ability Guidebooks.

Vicki: Ability Guidebooks… So, teachers, this is a remarkable idea. Ability Guidebooks for those with autism, or transition issues. And you know there are lots of kids who could benefit from this. I’ll include the blog, so you can go there.

Did you want to add something, Brett?

Brett: You were saying other students… I had never thought about that. I was thinking of my own kids at first, and what I started to get were messages from kindergarten and first grade teachers saying, “We were going on a field trip to the art museum, and I used your book to show my eight-year-olds exactly how to behave in the museum.” And it makes a world of difference because they see what’s expected beforehand.

Transcribed by Kymberli Mulford

Biography as Submitted

Brett Bigham is the only Oregon special education teacher to be named Teacher of the Year or to be awarded the NEA National Award for Excellence in Education. He was named a NEA Foundation Global Fellow in 2015 and is one of only a handful of teachers to be given that honor again for 2018 where he will travel to South Africa as a representative of U.S. teachers.

Blog: http://ift.tt/2xbNK7o

Twitter: @2014ortoy

  Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a “sponsored podcast episode.” The company who sponsored it compensated me via cash payment, gift, or something else of value to include a reference to their product. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I believe will be good for my readers and are from companies I can recommend. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.)

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