#because this iconic scene was screaming at me for far too long

[mrgriffiths]

Mastermind revealing devious plans in the sauna..

Thomas Ian Griffith as Terry Silver in The Karate Kid part 3~89'

☆sauna scene aesthetic☆

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[ronearoundblindly]

Big Pharma

Steve Rogers x doctor!Reader

Written for @stargazingfangirl18's Birthday Bonenanza--HAPPY BDAY, SIRI!--using the scenario prompt ~quick, frantic, secret sex in an almost public place + babe's hand over your mouth to keep you quiet~ and the dialogue prompt "goddamnit, will you just f***ing let me do this for you?" with free use kink for good measure. Why not?

Summary: The extreme drug cocktail you devise to save Steve Rogers has one major side effect.

Warnings for smut 🥴, sorta dub-con because it's like sex pollen, F E E L S, Steve being the most chivalrous gentleman while railing you (do it for your country, babes 🫡), completely unintentional dirty talk from Steve but 😮‍💨 we'll allow it, Tony being Tony, and--as always-- terrible puns. (There are no mentions of any medical instruments, except an IV, which is not used.) MINORS DNI. This is a mature gift work; see my Light Masterlist for all-age fanfic that is fine for minors. WC 2k

The constant photoflash burns into your retinas obnoxiously, and you’re not even the subject of the paparazzi.

Captain America is alive—all thanks to you—though he could easily have been six-feet under by now. The mysterious infection was so bad and spread so far, the drug regimen you administered constitutes one of the Avengers’ biggest Hail Marys to date, but it’s working. That’s all that matters…to the world. Behind the scenes is a different story.

As Captain Rogers turns to the next hand he must shake, his sharp blue eyes find you, twinged with a familiar fear.

This stupid event scheduled by Stark to boost morale, to show Cap is just fine and back in fighting form, has gone on too long. It’s happening again.

You worried Rogers might not make it when suddenly Stark showed up hours earlier than the initial, planned press conference—because, of course, there’s meet-and-greets, quick interviews, and these damn handshakes. He’s only gone so long between treatments for the last week.

You nod at Cap and make your way in the small crowd back to Stark. You tell him you’ll need a room, somewhere private to put in the IV, and at least thirty minutes to administer the huge dose. Rogers’s super-metabolism makes it necessary to use approximately forty times the prescription average for antibiotics and steroids. In theory, the side effects are well worth his speedy recovery.

Well, the only side effect.

Stark looks horrendously annoyed. “Can’t you just shoot him up with it and be done?” He doesn’t need your lecture repeated though. “Fine, there’s a greenroom thing over there, but you’ve got fifteen minutes at most, you hear me?”

“Twenty-five, Mr. Stark. He’s not a water balloon.”

“Twenty or he can wheel the damn thing around with him.”

You gulp in nervousness, but the problem isn’t Stark’s attitude. Rogers isn’t going to like rushing this. He feels shame enough already.

“I’ll make it work,” you assure the stubborn playboy. If he only knew…

“Good. A team player. We value that here.”

You have no fucking idea how ironic that is, you scream internally, but you follow him to a door off a back hallway, a room that shares a wall with the space all those people are gathered, and thank Stark.

“Oh good, he’s heard the dog-whistle of treat time,” Tony quips, and you swivel to see Cap trailing behind you.

He’s already made his excuses to step away, too. It must be bad.

You’re sure to pull out your props of a saline drip and tubing from your bag while Tony can still see, but you drop the act the instant the door clicks shut.

Cap take one step forward to flip the lock, immediately unzipping the fly of his iconic leather suit.

See, the only side effect of the drugs is Rogers gets hard, often, and can’t find relief from his efforts alone. Through trial-and-error, the clear solution has been help—discretely—from the only medical professional allowed around him until his condition improved.

Of course, he fought it. Of course, you wanted to preserve his dignity. Of course, you tried to keep it as perfunctory, methodical, and uninspired as possible, but the thing is, that didn’t last.

The more distant and cold the experience, the faster he became desperate and wanting again, and now you have just twenty minutes to make sure Captain America can hold out for hours.

Steve, you remind yourself. He prefers you not use respectful address when engaging is what he deems entirely disrespectful behavior. 

You need to get him off in essentially no time at all, so you’ve decided: go big or go home.

Bag tossed to the floor, you unbutton your pants and shimmy out of everything from shoes to panties, letting the longer tail of your dress shirt barely cover your modesty.

Steve looks dumbfounded. It’s bad enough he has to run to you for a handy every few hours, but this?

“Doc, no,” he breaths.

“I understand the procedure,” you say calmly, echoing his harrowing consent from that first night he needed you.

Steve’s brow furrows in strain. “We shouldn’t…”

‘We’ are way past ‘shouldn’t,’ buddy.

“Can’t ask you to…“ but he also knows time’s a wasting.

He’s already fisting himself, struggling to be the gentleman he never stopped being, which at the moment is a huge problem because both of you need to get through the day—you without losing your job and him without popping a boner on national television.

It’s your job to break him and break him right now.

“Goddamnit, will you just fucking let me do this for you?”

There’s a flat smack on the door.

“Do whatever the lady wants and then get back out here,” Tony yells from the other side. “Put us all out of our misery,” he ends with a grumble.

That is by far the most helpful thing Stark has said in the last week, so you mouth “see” and begin undoing your blouse from the bottom, giving Steve his first peek of you. His hand speeds along his length, adam’s apple bobbing in concentration.

“Here, I’ll make it easy for you,” you whisper. You walk to the far corner of the room, put your hands up, shirt rising over your bare ass, and face the wall. Your voice is soothing, pleading even. “Just take what you need.”

In some ways, you feel responsible for his predicament. You are the prescribing doctor, he isn’t in a relationship where a partner could assist, and he insists no one else know. He doesn’t deserve to be poked and prodded more than necessary, and you can’t give him any other meds in combination. None of it is his fault same as none of it is yours. You only intended to heal him.

Truthfully though, none of this is just about his release anymore, much as you’d like to dismiss your feelings.

You can’t deny, however, that each time the air gets a little thicker with tension, the body language a little more intimate. Steve has kept his eyes open, clutched your free hand to his chest, rolled his hips open, and thrust up into your fist. The greater the satisfaction of his climax, the longer he retains control.

“When this is over…I swear,” he grits out, getting closer word by word until his deep voice is right by your ear.

He tugs your shirt up to dip his fingers between your legs. “Been smelling you for two days. Can’t do anything until—” Steve growls, feeling how slick you’ve become in anticipation “—you’re ready for me.” 

His concern washes away when two fingers easily breech you to the knuckle and are immediately replaced by the blunt head of his cock dragging between your folds.

You didn’t expect him to give in so fast. You didn’t expect him to have known this aroused you. The idea he might want to continue, to go further, races down your spine, following the opposite path of Steve leaning into you. His forehead presses your occipital as yours presses the wall. The heat of him makes you arch in luxurious proximity.

Steve fucking forward to enter you in one smooth motion makes you forget to be quiet, but before the whole shout of ecstasy escapes, his hand covers your mouth.

“Shhh, Doc,” he breathes at the base of your neck. “Be good for me.”

That only gets you moaning into the seam of his gloves.

His hips start a staccato rhythm, a second of loud friction for each second of silent, fulfilling pressure.

Steve slips his still wet fingers under your shirt and beneath the cup of your bra to swirl a smooth pattern over your nipple. Instead of voicing your approval, you shove yourself back into him faster.

You notice the muffled chatting of Tony and someone else outside while your eyes roll. The slap of your skin against the Cap suit becomes the loudest thing in the room, but that’s not what Steve minds.

He pulls out and spins you around, pausing to see the cream you’ve created at the base of him drip to the carpet below.

Deep sea eyes meet yours through golden lashes.

“If I can’t hear you…” Steve hoists you up to his waist, threading one arm through the bend in your knee, spreading you wide and diving in swiftly.

Your body curls forward automatically to grasp at him and smother yourself in the leather of his shoulder pad. This pace is much faster, purposeful, utterly unravelling you. The position delivers more range of motion, all of the buildup and less of the noise, with the added benefit of his tool belt nudging your clit repeatedly.

Tony pounds on the door. “‘Bout done in there, guys? Let’s go.” How apt, the unknowing jester.

Steve pants, open-mouthed, against your temple.

You smile but can’t stop your own ruin.

A groan gets buried in your disheveled hair. “Are you…close?” His hips snap brutally. “Are you—“ he sounds wrecked “—you gonna…come on my—uungh.”

You tip over the edge, clutching him tight and fluttering for him in every way. The detonation of your orgasm burns red behind your eyelids like camera flashes, a dirty snapshot for you alone.

“Mercy,” Steve begs, gripping your ass to rut into you, desperate to join. His neck tenses as he spills inside you, pulse throbbing in time with his cock. 

He leans against you and the wall, his steady weight stilling your shaky legs. Slowly, your feet are guided to the floor and Steve steps away to wipe away any evidence of his ‘therapeutic treatment.’ His breathing settles much faster than yours, and by the time he’s tucked back in with his suit righted, you’re simply sliding down the wall to catch up.

He hurries over to the small vanity and mini fridge—usually ‘guests’ for speaking (or interrogating) wait here—to bring you supplies.

A box of tissues is set by your side.

“So…” he hands you a bottle of water “…maybe…dinner tonight?” 

You set the water down in favor of cleaning yourself, glancing up to offer a reassuring dismissal. “This morning was your last dose,” you remind him. “It should be over soon.”

Steve may not need this anymore, may never need you again, but he doesn’t miss a single beat.

“I’d like—I want to take you some place nice, but…” He chugs his whole water then quickly unclasps the glove on his left hand, rolling up his sleeve, veins jumping over a thick forearm.

“I don’t know what food you enjoy.”

Arguably, he knows a few other things that you enjoy.

There’s another impatient bang at the door.

“I—“ Your heart soars with the soft sincerity of his face, no trace of fear left behind, no hesitation. “I’m gonna need a minute.”

Steve stands, smoothing a hand over his hair. “I’ll lock it behind me…and, um, thank you, Doc.”

It’s the first time he hasn’t apologized this whole week.

“You’re welcome, sir.”

Steve flashes you a dopey smile and shakes his head. “See you out there,” he chuckles.

You can’t be seen when the door opens just enough for Steve to step out, but he makes a show of rolling the suit’s sleeve back down like he really did have an IV infusion, selling the lie like a pro. He keeps Tony talking while shutting you back into your debauched bubble.

Through the wall, you still hear “could you have gone any slower?” followed by a curt, “yes,” and have to stifle a laugh.

“What’d you do, blow a vein?”

You’re picturing an incredibly ironic look on Captain Rogers’ face.

“Just be grateful she puts up with us, Tony…” and their voices disappear down the hall.

His treatment may be finished, but Steve wants you to stick around. He wants you.

Would having dinner with that man really be so terrible? No. Not at all. Even the ‘worst’ of this situation has been a great fucking experience. You don’t want to give that up yet.

It seems you’re both addicted now.

[Main Masterlist; Steve Rogers One-Shots; Ko-Fi]

[empressofthewind]

Rating Reactions to Seeing Shinigami for the First Time

A comprehensive (and probably biased) list :-)

~~~

Chapter 1 - Light

Falls on the floor and screams, then recomposes himself and very unconvincingly pretends he expected this. This is the first we get to see of Light's Perfectly Normal And Chill Guy persona and I have to say it's not a strong introduction to his acting skills. He gets points for entertainment value though, and also for managing to scream without attracting the attention of his family???

Rating: 8/10

~~~

Chapter 7 - Kiichiro Osoreda

This is the guy who performs the bus-jacking that forces Raye to show his ID. It's a very entertaining scene, but he's being controlled and his reaction is therefore inauthentic, which makes it difficult to give him an accurate rating.

Rating: 0/10

~~~

Chapter 26 - L

This one doesn't technically count because L is merely hearing about Shinigami rather than seeing one, but it's too good not to include. He silently falls off his chair while actively solving a murder case in which the main cause of death has been heart attacks. Naturally the entire task force panics and thinks he's dying, and he does nothing to assuage these concerns. Absolutely iconic of him. Also makes for brilliant foreshadowing.

Rating: 10/10

~~~

Chapter 46 - Misa

We don't get to see Misa's very first reaction to meeting Rem, but we DO see their reunion during the Yotsuba arc, and she is horrified. She screams just like Light and L did, and her fear persists as long as Rem's hand is covering her mouth. She reacts pretty much how I would expect the average person to.

Rating: 5/10

~~~

Chapter 53 - Soichiro

Another pretty standard reaction. Falls backwards, screams and immediately reaches for his gun. Nothing remarkable about it.

Rating: 3/10

~~~

Chapter 53 - Aizawa

Exact same reaction as Soichiro, but he gets extra points because this panel of them both panting on the floor is utterly delightful. The eyes?? The pose???? They look like a pair of petrified crabs. I'm obsessed.

Rating: 8/10

~~~

Chapter 53 - L (again)

L has heard that Shinigami exist and already knows that there's a "monster" attached to the notebook, so he's not surprised at all by the time he actually sees Rem. Instead, he starts having such an intense and paralysing epiphany that he doesn't even notice Light taking the Death Note from him. The least dramatic reaction so far but incredibly on-brand for him in every way.

Rating: 6/10

~~~

Chapter 70 - Rod Ross

Freaks out once he actually sees Sidoh, but he's incredibly relaxed about the notebook flying beforehand. His line "I wouldn't be surprised if it's alive" is hilariously ironic given that the notebook does turn out to have a living component to it, and this does, in fact, surprise him.

Rating: 7/10

~~~

Chapter 70 - Kal Snydar

One of my favourite reactions purely for the implication that Rod might have recruited an 8-foot-tall man in a monster costume. Perfectly reasonable assumption to make.

Rating: 9/10

~~~

Chapter 70 - Mello

Much like L, everyone around him is panicking, but he stays impressively nonchalant. Immediately starts plotting ways to manipulate the demon creature for his own gain. This is essentially L's reaction if he was 90% more unhinged.

Rating: 10/10

~~~

Chapter 101 - Near

Only character to look genuinely happy about seeing the Shinigami which is an instant 10 for me. He gets an extra point for having the most precious smile ever <3

Rating: 11/10

[greenerteacups]

Hi! Just wanted to say the latest chapter is lovely & amazing & sweet & had me smiling the whole time! I absolutely love your characterisation of everyone, especially Draco, so it was so so lovely to return to this world & to his thoughts!! with his best friend and crush at malfoy manor no less! All the yearning is already off to a great start hehe I am so excited for the rest of book 5!

Wanted to ask you how has it been for you to write this new book and volume? Has your writing process changed since when you’d first begun taking on a long form project like this?

& also are there any moments or surprises in this book that you’re especially excited about?

sending so much love & gratitude for you and your incredible works 💓

Thank you so much! This is really encouraging, I so appreciate it.

Inasmuch as I can use this metaphor without having kids myself, I sort of see each of the books as a different child. The first one flew out in basically a few weeks of very intensive writing, and it was a total dream — plot, pacing, symbolism, major beats, all fell into place basically without effort. The character stuff was the hardest, as I've written about before, but even then, the glorious part of writing beginnings is it's the most energy you'll ever have for a project, so the lows were pretty soft lows. Book 2, in contrast, I had to drag kicking and screaming by its ankle from under the bottommost mattress of my brain. It's one of my least favorite books (tone problem; COS has killer plot/setting/ingredients for a YA novel, but it's stuck in the doldrums of Harry Potter's well-documented Early-Installment Weirdness, before Cedric Diggory slams the gas and upshifts the whole series into its correct age bracket). More specifically, once I'd gone through and picked out everything in the book that happened because of Lucius, I didn't have a plot — hey alexa how do you rewrite Chamber of Secrets when We Got No Fucking Chamber Of Secrets — and oh by the way, even if you want to do a moody tone/political setup book, remember that your protagonists are still twelve, so if you go too dark or too intense, you'll risk torpedoing your readers' suspension of disbelief. Good luck, Charlie.

Book 3 felt the most like its own novel, if that makes sense? It's the last truly feel-good book of the series; it's a great stand-alone mystery novel with relatively low stakes. Plus you get a bunch of the big series icons: patronuses, dementors, werewolves, Hogsmeade, the Marauders' Map, and time turners arithmancy. It just felt like a good old-fashioned motherfucking romp of a mystery/adventure story, before any of the complex character work and major stakes of the late books come in.

Book 4 was the most fun I've had writing anything maybe ever. I don't even know what it was. Maybe the tournament arc, honestly? Love me a tournament arc. But in any case, I opened every new chapter feeling a tingle of excitement for what I was gonna get to do. Oh, and the romance started, finally, Jesus God (if it feels like a slow burn reading, just imagine what it felt like writing it, when everything takes ten times as long, and you have to figure out how to word the fucker.)

Book 5, in contrast, has felt much less like that tingle of "here we go!" and more like "oh, man, this is gonna be cool." Because this is the arc of the story that composed the original idea for Lionheart, literally years ago, and to be honest, I didn't think I'd get this far! If you'd asked me "do you know that it's going to take you 500,000 words of backstory before you can start writing that concept you're thinking about, and you're going to do it anyway?" I would have said: "absolutely not, strange mind-reader!" But like... I'm here! Finally! And it's... real now? Like, this isn't just a bunch of clips of scenes in my head anymore! That's rad!

That being said, it's definitely been slower than Book 4, because I kept switching back to my outline document to make sure that certain things were set up properly, and that I hadn't lost any of the plot threads or forgotten a minor beat that was vitally important for the story three chapters later. And I had a minor crisis about three months ago when I ripped out about 8 chapters in the first third of the book — basically everything from September to December — because I'd done a readthrough to check pacing (big mistake! never edit while drafting, that's satan talking) and realized I had a missing storyline. Like, there was a whole layer of the story that was just. Missing. Not there. And the existing text really couldn't fit another thread, so instead of taking weeks to pore through and try to sift out what I could save, I needed to factory reset and start over. And I didn't want to! I vividly remember sitting there with my head in my hands, trying not to weep, because I'd decimated 90,000 words of work in a single edit. But it had to be done. Because the story wasn't going to work. And now (hopefully) it will.

And of course, there's still that sense of excitement and exhilaration from before. Always. But whereas Book 4 felt like a delicious chocolate pudding, Book 5 is a medium-rare steak.

(Book 6, so far, is four shots of espresso and a whiskey chaser. FWIW.)

[prettyflyshyguy]

Alright for the freaks who are oldschool Supernatural tumblr people, or just normal supernatural people, and for the rest who are just like me and don't know shit: I'm dumping all my garbo takes under the cut.

Mostly gonna be me either being really enamored or really upset.

No in-between. These things are either great or the worst. My tastes are specific and I'm picky with vampire fiction and rarely do I find media that ticks the boxes yet, I still watch almost anything I can find obsessively.

Who knows maybe this'll become a new casual TV series if I like the dynamics. Anyway, long post warning under the cut.

They got Bela Lugosi's Dead playing in a room full of nu-metal heads LMFAO

truly the alt communities have always been done so dirty in media

least they did their research on song choices

-

jesus christ

flashbacks to my steampunk phase circa 2011

-

I LOVE that this woman looks so normie and looks so delighted when she meets this equally normie looking dude in an alternative bar (i want to go there the people seem chill and the vibes are impeccable)

anyway who is this guy he seems familiar

love that they made the most normal dude in the bar the real monster good on them :)

christ they just took one look at twilight and went yeah lets TV parody this shit just for a laugh didnt they

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SHE'S 17

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(DID SHE HAVE A FAKE ID I WASNT PAYING ATTENTION)

OK ok ok you get big bonus points just for this bit. Just for this bit.

Thank you supernatural go off

-

"I'm just scared I'm dreaming and I'll wake up in math class" girl me too

im sorry this woman looks so much older than 17

POINTS DEDUCTED

POINTS DEDUCTED

BAD TEETH

great eyes, horrendous teeth. very dissapointed. I'm only here for the fucked up canines because we already HAVE them and whats better than perverting the existing human form into something subtly wrong

-

This show has such an aggressive title screen compared to buffy and the x files LMAO

-

ok i can get behind the chevvy, the chevvy is nice

-

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

POINTS ADDED - holy shit points added for this cheesy poster alone really capturing the schtick of the late 2000s

ok i get it, i get it guys, they're fun, they're funny, they've got a great sibling energy, the periodic 'screaming' happening in the background of this scene is sending me

-

this has been too fun so far i feel like somethings gonna ruin it

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ok this is so self aware yet the degree they're committing is just.

its marvelous. this is peak. I'm into it.

there are so many ads please i want to see dean have a bad day

Holy shit is that Skinner from the x files i love that guy

-

the fashion. iconic. if anything I'll be coming back to this for inspiration for myself.

-

the way Dean just slammed that guy on the car yelling "OPEN YOUR MOUTH"

yeah instant favourite.

you've rounded a corner, a dude has just beat the shit out of your brother and now he's about to force feed him blood and your response is: stand there staring like the shocked pikachu

oh so you wait till after he's done to scream "no!" in a half hearted tone

is there something I'm missing here, i know Sam gets a bit cooked at some point (does he get possessed??? idk) so I'm gonna assume thats whats going on

this is the best 'turning' scene I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing in all my years of trawling through vampire media

holy shit the team that wrote this episode fucking get it

the audio design, the acting, is so on point

Supernatural Crew you cooked so hard and I'm deeply thanking you for it

this was fucking made for me what the fuck what the fruck what the fuck what the fuc

Nooooo dont have an emotional breakdown in the bathroom looking at your fangs, but you're so sexy aha

The constant heartbeats anytime Deans in a room with someone got me grinning like :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

ok points deducted, again, for bad teeth but my god

the "I gotta go-" scene GOOD SHIT GOOD SHIT

someone get this kicked puppy a sippy cup

a red fanta chug jug

where is his sippy cup

look i know its probably not fun, at all, to drink red mystery meat juice on set but its gotta be cheaper than CGI teeth. Please.

Please let more relunctant vampires reluctantly chug jug (with you)

Oh Never Mind they wrote it in that he can't drink or he's stuck >:(

im still having a good time, just a bit less of a good time

YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-

using a large serrated knife to cut appart a horde of vampires seems like a great idea and getting covered in blood you're not supposed to drink is inevitable

but watch out

Sam: thats a pretty mentally stable thing to do

I REALLY WANT TO

CHUG JUG WITH YOU

ok this scene of him makes up for the lack of authentic blood chug jug I'll take what I can get

-

Ok final thoughts: that was a solid 7 and a half out of 10

thank you Supernatural you hit almost all the high notes when most stuff falls flat for me. Still, you came soooooooooo close. And got so far. And Yet in the end it doesnt even matter.

Still, this one's going straight to the pool room, and I can comfortably say I'm throwing it on the shelf of 'comfort media' that I can go back to on a bad day.

This had some fucking BANGER scenes that surpassed my expectations and deeply pleasantly surprised me. Good shit! As someone who is hard to please, this was a riot. Still; a shame they arbritrarily rules-d him taking a chunk out of someone. Would have been sick. Could have had the great slow build up of the initial turning scene - him and the love interest, holding back - then him cracking it after holding out and snapping.

It is not too much to ask, I swear. It's a good trope.

Do I dare take the risk of trawling through fanfiction to find another horribly specific weirdo like me, because Supernatural seems huge and a scary place to fanfic trawl.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Damn I feel like it's been forever for some reason lmao. Last week's hell is finally over and I get to relax this week! I'm going out with some friends on Friday and I've also cleared my phone and organized my notes!!! It feels so good😭 Now I have some thoughts about last chapter BECAUSE WOW

First of all fuck Mallory, I hate her and I will never get tired of saying this and I am now divided between wanting to read the next chapter so bad and dreading it with my whole being 🙂

My heart broke into a million pieces with the first part!!! Rafael's fear for Max is shown so damn well and Max's thoughts are messy and all over the place and the way you can see him moving in and out of reality is overwhelming!!

I kinda guessed the "why isn't he smiling?" part but fuck if it ripped my heart 😭😭

"Tears of grief" Max loving him so much he literally recognizes his tears and knows these ones too.... And saying he looks as if he is grieving something that was his everything, not knowing David was grieving him. Grieving them. The life they had built. Gone.

"I wanna see daddy" WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS SCREAMING INTERNALLY ON MY FLOOR!! When we first saw on the first chapters I was so confused and now that the dots connected I am in pain 😭. And you wrote that scene so beautifully, their pain and horror and how you see Max slowly losing himself because it's just too much. The pain is too much. Losing David, Lance's pain, his job, his home...

And the scene with Magnus!!! GOING TO MY FAVE COLLECTION 🥺. Also him giving the band to AJ later, because Magnus said he could give it to someone else when it hurt just a little bit less HOLY SHIT😭😭

I can go on a three hour analysis so Imma stop jdhdjdjkd. BUT THE PRESENT TOO JFC

Max's growth. That ends me everytime. Seeing how much he has changed and how he survived through all of this. Thinking of the was Alec told him how proud he is of Max because he made it. Not the way he planned. But he did it. He got so far, and that took so much strength but he still survived. Same Alec, same🥹

But also the fucking parallel:

"He was careful now (...) Just in case. Just in case he'll get his heart broken all over again."

///

Not without an explanation. Not without getting his heart broken into a million pieces one last time.

Then, just like everything else in life, things slowly got better. This whole fic is a prove of it and I can't even-

YES LANCE CALL HIS IDIOTIC SELF OUT!!! TELL HIM DAVID LOVES HIM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!!! I WILL NEVER GET TIRED IF HIS SASS BTW

You once said that tlnd was was about acceptance and healing, but IALS is about forgiveness, about learning to forgive the people we love, but mostly about learning to forgive ourselves (I have the receipts don't @ me) and this scene portrayed that so well. Even though Max knows it wasn't his fault he still blames himself. Because knowing is not the same as accepting it. As Max said, shit is hard to internalize.

THIS GOES TO MY TOP 10😭😭 LANCE AND MAX TALKING TO EACH OTHER IS EVERYTHING I KNEW I NEEDED FROM THE VERY START I AM SO EMOTIONAL!!! Also Lance and Max's detective skills together??? ✨ Iconic✨

Tell me how to love you as you want to be loved and I'll do it to give you the comfort and safety you deserve is something I'll never get tired of😭😭 istg I could go on a whole speech about this part because it's so true. Sometimes parents don't love us the way we want to be loved, but that doesn't mean there's no love there. It's just different of what we expect. And sometimes people go their whole lives not knowing of that love and that's just sad.

That is one unproblematic child,” Max noted. “Really doesn’t fit into this clusterfuck of a family.”

“I’m waiting for him to set Hollywood on fire,” Lance informed. “Don’t lose hope yet.”

HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED I'M THE ARTHUR OF MY FAMILY. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE???

I have so many feeling about that apartment and Harry and them but I will not unpack them bc this shit is already long enough 🙂

Their conversation. The way they've both changed so much. Talking about how they wished they were there for Lance and for each other. I was in TEARS

Everything of the last scene was *screams internally* David fucking pushing Max to the wall, stronger than hate. "He's scared of something". Fucking Mon ange, *what did Mallory do to you?"

I just want you to know I will combust into confetti or tears in the next chapter. Probably both...

Anyway this turned long and I better go. Take care and drink lots of tea!!!!

💙.💙.💙.

This made me so 😇😇😇😇 and gave me some motivation to write the next chapter 😭😭😭😭 Thank you 💚💚💚

This is Lance sleeping in Arthur’s room 🥰🥰🥰

[not-joan-of-arc]

heaven official's blessing by mxtx (pt. 1)

(finished reading on April 1 2022)

unedited digital annotations for books one to three:

(SPOILERS AHEAD FOR BOOKS ONE TO THREE)

okay so I didn't think I would be doing annotations because this book is so fucking long (even though I never want it to end and actually doesn't feel that long) and I'm already almost halfway through

but

I need somewhere to record all my internal screaming otherwise I'm literally going to combust

thoughts thus far -

BOOK ONE

took a while for me to understand the world but the world-building is so insane and immersive that when I did get it it just took the whole story to a whole new level

also having watched the donghua really helped visualise the characters/scenes

I love Xie Lian with all my heart, he's like the epitome of contradiction and the storytelling is fabulous how with every new story we peel back a little bit more of his character and see a new unexpected side to him

Hua Cheng is also my love and I was literally screaming for all his scenes because to us the reader it is so obvious he is so far gone for Xie Lian and yet Xie Lian is so fucking blind to it

I am an absolute sucker for the trope where a big scary evil person is unbelievably soft for their sweet and innocent love

and also shoutout to my fave the iconic gender-fluid Wind Master, we stan

sidenote - the translation was a little rough at first but the more I read the more I got into it and even the translated writing has some truly stunning lines

BOOK TWO

didn't love a lot of this tbh, but only because it was 400 pages of Xie Lian having a full-on breakdown and like the character development and storytelling where phenomenal but all the while my heart was breaking for him

lots of interesting ethics and philosophy stuff

also - we love Feng Xin, Mu Qing is a shady bitch, and calling it now but those two were definitely the deputy gods in disguise in the first book

what I really was living for in this book though was young Hua Cheng's and Xie Lian's interactions, like could they be any more adorable

also was screaming because from the donghua I thought Xie Lian had only met Hua Cheng once but no, they actually met like a dozen times? and all pivotal moments in Xie Lian's life too?? how the fuck does he not remember him?? I mean maybe it's because Xie Lian just finds older Hua Cheng too handsome (it's literally said in every scene where they meet) and his brain can't think of anything else when looking at him but what do I know

also also Qi Rong is one disturbed fucker

BOOK THREE - where we are when starting these annotations

okay so (minus Qi Rong) I love this ragtag group of misfits just chilling at Puqi Shrine, also love the rivalry between a knife and a scrap of silk

the kiss scene!! and I can't believe Xie Lian had a full on meltdown about it then literally asked Hua Cheng out on a date like two seconds later (also their whole date was so freaking cute and we appreciate ghost henchpeople supporting their overlord gallivanting around with the love of his life)

also we stan Hua Cheng being a supportive bf even if his bf is an oblivious ass

at the same time though a lot of this book seems like it was written on crack - like the whole accidental poisoning thing was so fucking hilarious but so completely random

that being said I've laughed out loud at several chapters in this book - perhaps my fave was Xie Lian's failed attempt at a street performance, like yeah that's my boi

wow I've literally written a whole ass essay

but now back to my regularly scheduled reading

I never want this to end though

BOOK 3 CONTINUED

not Xie Lian being embarrassed about asking for his bf's phone number

“To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” - okay but can he make it any more obvious

after eight hundred years of nothing, Hua Cheng just has a marriage proposal and an offer to move in together within the span of a day? I can't decide whether he's moving too slow or too fast

Xie Lian literally about to combust at the sight of a shirtless Hua Cheng is absolutely priceless

oof okay this coffin scene is getting intense

ngl, I really hope there aren't any super explicit scenes in the book because MXTX's attitude towards consent in the few scenes I read in Mo Dao Zu Shi made me feel kinda gross and ruined novel!WangXian's relationship a bit for me - that being said, I think it might just be for those characters specifically and so maybe if HuaLian do have any explicit scenes it'll be a lot softer and wholly consensual - and tbf, especially with Xie Lian's whole purity thing, the affectionate touches and kiss scene thus far have been wholly respectful and consensual, like Hua Cheng is so soft with Xie Lian it's actually adorable

their heart-to-heart moment on the beach is making me scream for various reasons but mostly because Hua Cheng is literally confessing his love?? like could he be any more obvious?? and the dumbass Xie Lian is just like ‘hmm what are these strange feelings, is that jealousy? nah, we're just bros’ - I love him but he's so fucking stupid at times

oh man, I thought Ming Yi was sus but then the dice game seemed to clear his name - that's a very clever plot device

this whole plot twist is just so well-written and well-thought out in general, like the writing for this part of the story is amazing and yeah I thought it was more than coincidence that the Wind Master and the Water Demon had the name Xuan but I never suspected this extent of conspiracy - just wow, flawlessly done

I don't really understand Quan Yizhen's character but the whole accidentally eating Xie Lian's poison was just too funny, again that's another scene I could easily imagine in the donghua

I am living for Hua Cheng disguising himself as Lan Ying - also this entire story arc Xie Lian constantly seems like he doesn't know ‘whether to laugh or to cry’

Xie Lian is simultaneously terrifying and a complete and utter cinnamon roll, we stan

Crown Prince Xie Lan? More like Genius Detective Xie Lian, uncovering corrupt Heavenly Officials one god at a time

yeah Fu Yao is definitely Mu Qing and Hua Cheng knows it, whether Xie Lian has figured it out too is anyone's guess, he can be something of an unreliable narrator even if it is a third person POV

okay I like Feng Xin and I feel bad for him now, like he's so obviously heartbroken and its sad to think no one knew he once had a wife he loved for almost a thousand years - I mean, it's nowhere near as tragic as Xie Lian's life, but still

it really does seem like every major god or ghost is somehow related to Xie Lian - Hua Cheng, Feng Xin, Mu Qing, Qi Rong, Lan Chang, Pei Su, Banyue, and the other Crown Prince of Yong'an whose name I forget

who knew Pei Ming would be the one to ship Hua Cheng and Xie Lian - like he literally clocks onto their relationship right away with the whole getting Xie Lian to kiss E'ming and then two seconds later telling him to actually kiss Hua Cheng to save him lol - Pei Ming is a bit of a dickhead but we appreciate an ally

at this point it's pretty clear Xie Lian enjoys ‘accidentally’ poisoning people - just waiting to see if this is a comedic trope or an actual plot device

Pei Ming being done with how insufferably in love Hua Cheng and Xie Lian are is a fat mood

also I suspect this white-clothed Crown Prince is the white-clothed calamity in the smiling-crying mask

so basically every heavenly official ever has somehow ended up at demon realm central

okay but Ling Wen is a badass, like sure she murdered a bunch of people, but most of those people were a bunch of sexist knobs and compared to the shit some of the other heavenly officials have done it’s actually pretty minor? also this woman was literally holding heaven together for centuries, like as soon as she dips literally everything falls into chaos because the male gods don’t know how to do shit

I love scenes like this one now where Xie Lian and Pei Ming are caught in the net because its just so hilariously chaotic, like the whole dialogue where Xie Lian is all ‘can you please not kill me, thank you’ and Ling Wen is like ‘hmm nah sorry, no can do’ and Xie Lian is like ‘but I’m just here for the bants’ literally had me crying

red string of fate!! Hua Cheng tying him and his boyf together both literally and symbolically, we love to see it

Yin Yu is too good, and like I know he's barely had any pagetime thus far but he's now one of my fav characters okay, like he's such a mood - also he's so obviously aware of how his master Hua Cheng is whipped for Xie Lian and whole-heartedly supports it and that just makes me like him even more

I also still don’t know how I feel about Quan Yizhen

okay so there's definitely a conspiracy with the Crown Prince of Wuyong and Xie Lian, I'm guessing this is building up to what book four will be about - also I read a comment that said book four was epically tragic and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, I don't want Xie Lian to suffer anymore :(

Xie Lian outwardly: yes yes the red string is a very practical spell; Xie Lian internally: what a relief to know my boyf- uh I mean my friend is safe and that I'll always be able to find him

and then the next scene is Hua Cheng literally telling him to have a bit more self-preservation (which tbf, Xie Lian really does need because he's just like so casual about literally dying multiple times??) - how soft these two are for each other is literally going to be the death of me

wow Hua Cheng is so jealous but like, tbf, Xie Lian is being so vague in trying to say he trusts Hua Cheng?? like just tell him directly dude

so we're getting the story of how Xie Lian forged Ruoye too? oof I already know it's going to make me bawl

so this is the other group of gods and ghosts who are all a little older than the Xianle lot (except Pei Su) and are instead centred around Pei Ming - Ling Wen, Xuan Ji, the Rain Master, Rong Guang, that other statue civil god

so is it the Rain Master throwing Pei Ming off the ox or is it Xie Lian in retaliation for Pei Ming being rude to Hua Cheng? I guess we'll never know

no but literally, who isn't at Mount Tongl'u at this point? like even Feng Xin and Mu Qing are here now

Hua Cheng acting sus - he definitely rescued Xie Lian and brought him to the mountain cave - okay Hua Cheng is undoubtedly lying now, my theory is that Hua Cheng carved all these sculptures of Xie Lian in the ten years he was in Mount Tongl'u and that's also why some of the sculptures are better than others as he improved over time

also Hua Cheng trapping Mu Qing and Feng Xin is low-key hilarious

so yeah Xie Lian knew it was Mu Qing and Feng Xin since book one - called it! he really is an unreliable narrator

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE BIG REVEAL IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

ngl the statues are kind of creepy, like it's almost stalkery?

it's honestly perfectly understandable why Mu Qing and Feng Xin are freaking out, like they genuinely are just trying to be good friends - I just want to hear Hua Cheng's explanation for everything

at the same time I too am very much freaking out wow

ITS HAPPENING AHHH

no but the murals are actually really sweet? - oof except the one that is very obviously from the Land of Tender with a probably naked Xie Lian lol

also I really want to know what the fuck is going on in Xie Lian's mind right now but the storytelling is done very well in that it's Feng Xin and Mu Qing who are voicing their discoveries out loud

noo Hua Cheng don't listen to them!! they're just trying to be good friends but don't let them think Xie Lian rejected you when he still doesn't know that you love him!!

being queer and being called ‘disgusting’ hurts more than non-queer people could ever understand - of course this makes Hua Cheng vulnerable, my poor sweet gay, honestly I would punch Mu Qing now too

but tbf again to both Mu Qing and Feng Xin, they don't understand Hua Cheng and how pure his love is and are freaked out by all that they've learnt so probably think Hua Cheng's going to assault Xie Lian - obvs not going to happen though

OH FUCK ME ITS HAPPENED THEY'VE CONFESSED AND LIKE THEY STILL HAVENT SAID ANYTHING REALLY BUT THEY BOTH NOW KNOW AND MY HEART FEELS SO FULL IM LITERALLY ABOUT TO START SOBBING WITH HAPPINESS

lol Xie Lian finally admitting how attracted he is to capable and aggressive Hua Cheng

things are getting intense!! what the fuck does this White No-face want?? like I have a few ideas but nothing concrete yet

also I can't believe I'm at the end of book three?? and only 500 pages left to go?? I genuinely never want this story to end, it's just too good

---

my annotation system

[virtualbearfox]

Hii, @wintercrushes tagged me so here I am sharing my top 9 movies

1. I love the Scream franchise because I just love that Sidney survives each one and I believe that when I first watched it I was so surprised that she didn’t die.

(She’s just a strong icon, along with Dewy (😭), and Gale) (and now with Sam & Tara ?!)

2. Ginger Snaps.

The amount of times I have rewatched this movie (phew) 😁 it has become such a comfort movie to me with the aesthetic of it all and the bond the sisters have. As well as the metaphor of puberty and being a werewolf.

3. Final Destination 3

There is something about Wendy or maybe it’s just that it’s Mary Elizabeth Winstead, that has me loving this movie so much. Along with her bond with Kevin and being able to see Kris Lemche as Ian. 🥹 Such a comfort movie even with all the gore and terrible deaths.

4. Step Up 2

I love all types of dancing and I wish I was a stronger dancer but I am not (I think I can hold my own on the dance floor…. With certain types of music genres unfortunately) so of course I love this movie. Another comfort movie of mine, love Andy as the main character. Her character development along with the found family, the romance and of course the dancing.

5. The Craft

Overall, really enjoyed this movie, love the asethetic of it all and the gals (loveeeeee Nancy). The ending could have been better but I still love.

6. Trick r Treat

I watched this movie because i remember how much people said they loved it and how good it was AND they were not wrong. But i especially love the bit of the werewolves, the witch, and of course Sam.

7. Perfect Blue

I watched this with the same friend who showed me But I’m a Cheerleader and I did not know what I was getting into lmao. This movie had me at the edge of my seat and just I did not see anything coming.

8. 10 things I hate about you

I love Heath Leadger in this, as well as his character Patrick and his relationship with Kat. Just Kat and Patrick truly make this movie for me, how they come to be together and the ups and downs of the relationship and of course, the poem.

9. The Crow

I love Brandon Lee’s portrayal of Eric, love how gloomy the movie is and all the fight scenes. But also how much Eric cares for Sarah and how much he loves Shelley even though she’s gone.

(Fun fact, I dressed up as Eric for last years Halloween 😁)

(Sorry, my dear sister for taking FAR TOO LONG to make this post lmao, I was struggling with putting in the gifs 😭 but here I am and here it is (lol).

Idk if it was a tagging chain BUTTTTTTT I’ll tag @drowsymiha @glamgoblin and back at you because why not @wintercrushes

:D

[jennilah]

I will now infodump completely random self indulgent thoughts about Halloween and Friday the 13th that i otherwise would have no other opportunity to voice, because I want these thoughts out of my head and into words.

releasing pent up energy lmao

So, Halloween:

I rewatched this for the third time on the 13th because I am a dirty, filthy cheater. The goal was to get extremely high and watch one of the Friday the 13ths (F13 for short) but at around midnight my heart had a very specific craving that only Michael Myers could satisfy.

As I watched it, I recalled how I felt the first time I watched the film a year ago. I had a lot of thoughts then that still hold up to how I feel now, now that its my special interest.

First of all, in 2021 I attempted to get into the slasher genre but I was too weenie to venture very far. I watched the first Halloween and thats it.

And, when I watched it, I distinctively felt unimpressed with the first two acts. It wasn't not entertaining, but I remember being like "I dunno, this is fun and all but it isn't that scary?"

Even some of the first kills, like Judith barely being aimed at, with people's eyes going cross-eyed- it's kind of goofy.

but then

Very subtly, about an hour into the movie, by the start of the final act... something shifts.

When Laurie gets off the phone and walks over to the Wallace house and finds the bodies, from that point to the end I was completely enraptured. The tension mounts and mounts and mounts, and by the time the credits roll I only just realize how hard my heart is racing. In fanfiction terms, i let out a breath I didnt know I was holding. (except, like, actually tho)

and I had the exact same experience when I watched the movie again a few days ago, foolishly thinking Im long past being afraid of silly ole Mikey.

that must be, I feel, why the first Halloween is so spectacularly iconic.

I also remember my jaw dropping at the unmasking moment. It was when you realize- he's not really old, he's not physically deformed or anything like that- hes just a guy. He's practically just a kid himself. (When Loomis says hes 21 in the sequel I even yelled out "HES ONLY 21?!?" even though you can do the math yourself while watching the first movie lmao. in my defense, I watched that a year later, so I forgot how young he was) He almost looks afraid once the mask comes off. He's exposed, in every sense.

that scene really blew my mind.

but, Ive mentioned this before, these films didnt hit Special Interest status until I watched the second one for the first time this past october. I think it was the upped action in the sequel that pushed it over the edge into adoration territory for me.

I really love each timeline the films go through (well, for the most part) for different reasons. They all scratch different itches. And they give my imagination so much to work with. Fanfictions too, its really interesting seeing which interpretations of the characters people decide to expand upon. My favorite is the new Green trilogy (yes, even with some issues I have with Kills. and I unabashedly love Ends) and the Jamie Lloyd trilogy is in 2nd place.

Then, also this year, I had a proposition for my friends. Two friends. We call ourselves Movie Club. Every other sunday or so, we watch something over Discord. Our choices of movies are always incredibly random.

This past October, I was like, "hey, how about we watch some horror movies? I have a whole list I am trying to get through"

and on that list was Friday the 13th. I didn't know anything about it. I barely remembered Jason was the slasher of the franchise until my friends refreshed my memory. 1 friend had already seen it and said that it would be perfect for Movie Club.

And so, we watched it.

First of all, it was everything I wanted it to be when it comes to campy horror. With the screaming teens fumbling over themselves and all.

Second of all, I was SHOCKED. so was my friend who also went in blind. I don't even want to mention why. I am not going to. If all you know is Jason slashing away at teenagers in the woods, then you know just as much as I did, and you should absolutely give it a watch. You know less than you assume.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the very first Friday the 13th movie has much more exciting surprises now than it did when it was released.

We, as a Movie Club, said "oh my god. Well, now we have to watch the second one." (by that point, we were all going in blind)

So we did.

it STILL SHOCKED US.

We said "well fuck, we have to watch the third one now"

So we did.

And by then, we were in too deep, we simply had to know how exactly the franchise transitions from that to future titles like "Jason Takes Manhattan." We had to know how he goes to space, and we had to know how he fights Freddy. We were in it for the long haul.

So we watched them all together, and Jason cemented his place in my heart. One day this special interest will pass, but those memories with my friends will be forever.

And now with the new series being made by Bryan Fuller? I dont think we were even halfway through the series before my friend dropped that news, and I was immediately like "oh FUCK yes."

I never drew tons of fanart or anything, but I AM a reasonably large Hannibal fan. and I know how beloved Bryan Fuller is, I love the dude too. I love that he stands up for fangirldom. It's a breath of fresh air.

Ive been following any press he's been releasing for Crystal Lake and I am so fucking immensely excited for it, I have already ranted incessantly about it to two unsuspecting friends of mine. From those interviews, he and I seem to be on the exact same page when it comes to what we find important about the F13 series. Yes, it's really goofy, but there's also a certain heart and tragedy to it, and he seems dedicated to making sure that shines in his series.

I'm so excited about this series that Jason doesnt even have to be in it and I'd probably still love it. (Except he will be in it lmao im just saying)

And now, I am still watching new slasher films. I am almost done watching all the Nightmare on Elm Streets. They're fun, but they dont do it for me quite like Halloween and F13 have. (I'm still glad I'm watching them tho. I must say, Wes Craven's New Nightmare was incredible) Next up i'll probably watch some one-offs before diving into the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films. I have a feeling I will love Bubba once I meet him. I hope so! I want to love more slashers like I love Michael and Jason. We will see tho.

I think thats it for my ramblings. for now.

[dany36]

woohoo!!! finally completed my replay of dawn of the new world!! 😌❤️ it had been over a decade since i last played this game, so my memory was a bit fuzzy on certain story aspects and i wanted to refresh it. plus, after i finished the original symphonia for like the nth time, i was aching for more of its world and its characters. yeah this game is far from perfect and is definitely not the sequel a lot of us were expecting, but still, it has its good moments. more long rambling junk thoughts below (lmao this turned out longer than expected but i just have so many feelings about the symphonia series so i have to spew them out somewhere)!

so let's start with the good things!

the original symphonia cast (bare with me here). this is probably like 90% of the reason why i wanted to replay this game cus my god do i love these characters so damn much. the first time colette appeared i screamed of joy and even more so when i heard her use the iconic angel feathers in an in-game cutscene. i've said it before but if we were only able to get one VA from the original main cast (yes i know kratos is back too but he's not part of the main party), i'm glad it was colette. i know i said earlier this year that colette wasn't in my top 5 fave tales of characters, but you know what? past dany is a FOOL because with my replay of symphonia 1 and now with this, has shown me that colette is a magnificent character and must be loved and protected at all costs!!! like her accepting right away in front of marta what she did that caused the destruction of palmacosta without any excuses whatsoever? HURT my heart to the core the pure look of sadness she had but also was interesting to get a glimpse of all the accusations colette (and maybe the rest of the party?) have had to deal with, and seeing how she chooses to deal with them is like DAMN...that's *my* chosen!

other than colette, i must state the obvious that it was great having sheena aka my fave from symphonia 1 in the party for the longest out of the og cast, and getting a taste of her fulfilling her duties as chief of mizuho was refreshing from her other duty of babysitting marta and emil. also i have to give credit to her VA, she really did a decent job at channeling some of that energy that made jennifer hale's performance so iconic in my mind. i didn't care much for regal in symphonia 1 but also his new VA (which I much prefer to the original...sorry!) and having him around for much longer in this game to act as a father figure to emil made me like him even more. it's a shame that we got presea so late into the game but her story is so tragic so it was nice seeing her thriving making charms and whatnot for regal's company. overall whenever someone from the og cast would make an appearance it would warm my heart cus i mean what else can i say!!! that game and its characters were my childhood!

the music. again i know i've ranted about this before in my other tales of posts but i've yet to play another tales of game that has music as good as the symphonia titles. symphonia 1 has such fantastic music, and hearing some of it remastered was just a pleasure to hear. like...water symphony aka the luin theme? ugh that song just pierces through my heart...i think i might even like it better than the original! others songs that i didn't give much thought in the original but shone this time around for me were "in a shadowy woods" (god it's so damn haunting!) and underground passage (this version is so much more intense!). of course it also has some good original songs like "with courage" (what a fantastic battle theme!) and the "wilderness of sadness". OH AND WHO CAN FORGET the *beautiful* orchestrated english opening from the wii?? hearing it along with the opening scenes still gives me chills to this day!! ANYWAY THE POINT IS that symphonia 1 has a fantastic ost and this game did a great job honoring it.

the new main characters. emil was whiny and too much of a coward at the beginning, but seeing him grow throughout the course of the journey and accepting his role in the fate of the world was very luke fon fabre of him and a joy to watch. same with marta, she was overly clingy and just kept pushing emil to be more like she kept imagining him to be, but seeing her grow to love emil just for who he was and like...not gonna lie, the girl was NOT afraid to speak her heart out and that is SO refreshing to see. like she knew she loved emil and would not hesitate to say it to him (which was kind of eugh at the beginning but as both emil and marta grow together, it's just right!!), unlike a lot of other female love protagonists who don't say anything until the end of the game and are all =uwu= about it. but here the long-awaited kiss between the two is done before you even go into the final level of the game, and it's like THANK YOU for not making me wait until the ending rolls around!! i actually really like this main couple pairing and thought the story did a great job at making you root for them. might even be one of my favorites out of the games i've played. just two kids in love!

the voice acting. laura bailey as marta was perfect and just made me glad that we got voiced skits for this game because wow, the og casting might have been subpar but with her and johnny yong bosch's performances...oof, just beyond fantastic. especially jyb, he literally had to do three different voices for emil and the way he handled it would just continuously blow my mind every time there was a switch between the three. i also really liked alice's VA but i mean i liked alice's character overall :) (was heartbroken you have to kill her at the end though...especially considering her background!) anyway i could have played this in japanese but laura bailey + heather hogan are worth it to play the english version instead :)

the ending. and everything leading up to it, actually. like, aqua defending richter with her literal life out of the love she had for him. emil pretending to be ratatosk so no one would find out his plan. being given the choice to defeat both marta/lloyd. marta figuring out emil's plan. and just...i forgot how nicely it explains into phantasia's setting about there not being a need for mana any longer and how it would take...1000 years for the laws of the world to be rewritten. also seeing the og cast say goodbye to emil....ahhhhh my fucking heart! like PRESEA...CARVING A WOODEN BEAR FOR EMIL TO REMEMBER HE'S NOT ALONE...*that's* the presea i love!! and of course, marta and emil getting the happy ending (and NOT ambiguous like ABYSS'S!!!) that they deserve!!! love truly does win!!!! :) none of this bittersweet ending stuff like berseria or zesteria where it would have been like oh no emil will never leave the ginnungagap and will never get to live his life as a human being with the person he loves. and then they both get the perfect partner title?? shionne and alphen could never.

alright, now for the things i didn't like about the game :)

the original symphonia cast. like...i swear it was either a high or a low for me with this. seeing colette literally do anything? "omg i love this game so much it's not as bad as people say it is!". having them run a character joke to the ground (raine's ruin mode, zelos's constant pervertedness, sheena falling into pits, colette's klutziness, regal's shackles, presea and paw pads)? lloyd shunning his friends and unwilling to explain just A BIT of what he was doing (no, the reason he gives sucks and that's not lloyd)? "god this game sucks why did the writers do this why am i even still playing this". also what the hell was up with presea's obsession with paw pads this time around?? i THINK i remember a symphonia 1 skit about this but it's like..that's all she would talk about during a lot of her dotnw skits, cutscenes, and even one of her battle quotes is about it? also isn't presea supposed to be like 14 years old (appearance-wise) now? why is she still dressed like she's 10? SAME THING WITH REGAL and his jail clothes like JUST....why. ALSO couldn't they have at least re-drawn the og cast's skit drawings so they wouldn't have to come up with a dumb reason why regal still wears his jail clothes?? also my god why does lloyd's in-game model look so BAD...they mostly did a decent job with the rest (not a fond of raine's either) but lloyd's just looks terrible and i couldn't take him seriously. like...lol i could rant more about this but just a lot of things about the way the og cast was handled seemed to be out of pure laziness and actually keeps me from enjoying this game to its fullest.

the pacing. honestly sometimes the pacing of the game just felt so wack, especially when you're just trying to track down lloyd. at the beginning it really does feel like you're just jumping from town to town just so the game gets its nostalgia points in. the whole bit in izoold and the gels was a snoozefest, same thing with the remoras in that one place near palmacosta. and then you suddenly get spit back out near iselia?? oh look it's the hometown of the chosen and just lakjdflasjfladsf i know the game is short compared to other tales games (i beat it at 30 hours when usually tales games take me 50+ hours) but i just felt like the first 4? 5? chapters or so (and there's only 8...) are just all over the place and rather...uninteresting. it's not until you stop following lloyd that things start to get a bit less dull, which is when i finally started enjoying the game and its characters.

and speaking of lloyd... i know i mentioned it above but my god was this part of the story awful and deserves its own call-out. props to zelos for quickly figuring out that there was a lloyd impostor because SHEESH they really butchered his character up to make it seem like he was truly evil and thus create some more conflict on top of the vanguard stuff. like oh look, lloyd, the fallen hero, who refuses to speak to his friends and is drawing his sword at them!!! that first skit you get of him where the og cast is trying to talk to him and he's just like "i've got nothing to say". worst lloyd. like just. get out of here.

alright i think i'll stop here cus it looks like my main problems with the game are the pacing and the way they handled certain aspects of the og cast inclusion. because i mean, the original story itself (ratatosk, the centurions, why the vanguard rose) is actually not that bad and is actually pretty interesting, but if you've played symphonia 1, it's hard to enjoy this game to its fullest. i didn't mention the monster system because i mean, yeah it's kinda of weird but it's not so terrible that i actively wasn't enjoying the game because of it. so I MEAN, definitely not the best tales game out there, but it's certainly not that bad if you just focus on the new cast and story. :)

but well, enough with the symphonia gameplays (that is, until the symphonia remaster comes out lol) cus up next in the list isssss FINALLY tales of xillia!!! beyond EXCITED to start playing it, so we'll see how that journey goes! :)

[sinisterexaggerator]

Do I obliterate your ask by sending all these or — Ah, what the heck. You're one of my favorite writers. Might as well go big or go home LOL!

3 4 5 10 13 16 22 28 29 32 38 39

Oh shit, OK.

3. Writing ritual. I do not have one.

4. I answered this one earlier.

5. I also do not have any writing superstitions.

10. Hm, has a piece of writing haunted me? Not really. I mean, I am moved in the moment by stuff, but my ADHD brain probably forgets over time, no matter how amazing it was. As far as my own writing haunting me, sure. My unfinished WIPs are screaming at me to finish. LOL.

13. A difficult subject matter to write about. Hmm. Probably my own personal history and past, but I don't plan to write a memoir or anything. Something that is easy appears to be angst and smut. I am good at creating drama and situations, and pretty decent at the sexy stuff too, I think.

16. Weirdest thing I have ever used as a bookmark: Idk, a lighter maybe? But only temporarily.

22. How organized am I with my writing? Not too organized. Bare minimum so I don't drive myself crazy. I used to have all my writing all over my desktop taking up space, word docs half finished, all in little rows. Then I made a couple of folders. Now I have a folder for all my multiple-chapter fics that contain the document itself with the writing in it, and anything I have bothered to write or create in relation to that work. Another I have for headcanons, one for finished fics, and one for WIPs and to-dos, and even misc things, like lists of names for OCs I kind of like that I've never used. Of course *THE FIC* of the hour is loose on the desktop and I can stare at the little icon until I am persuaded to open it. I back-up everything on a cloud, but when it comes to writing itself I've only made an outline ONE TIME and it's because it's my "Magnum Opus" and basically an entire series unto itself, so it needs a lot of planning and I have a LOT of thoughts about it. As far as tools, I just use Microsoft Word and notepad for notes. Idk, I am a basic bitch. ;D

28. Most delightful character I have ever written for? Hmm. Probably Shriv Suurgav, just because he is husband material and a good boy all around.

29. I draw my inspiration from canon but then my own brain I guess, and sometimes discussions with friends that I suddenly very much need to elaborate on because it's just too good to pass up. My ADHD is good in a way because my brain is constantly jumping from scenario to scenario and "what ifs" and it makes it so I have toooooo many ideas and not enough time to write them all. I like to browse Wookieepedia too and see what's there in regards to canon/legends and then take that and let it inspire me. Give me two lines about an insignificant man in a Star Wars RPG and I can make him into an OC. That's what happened with Kayson from Stars Above. And even one of the guys in the sabacc scene. He was a real weapon's shop owner in Tatooine as listed on a roleplaying game but that was all the info. I made the rest up. ;D

32. Answered this one already, too.

38. I am a perfectionist to the point every minor fucking detail must line up and make sense or I will not be happy. Like, later on if I find out something in canon contradicts something I wrote I will be LEGIT MAD to the point I'd be tempted to change it. LOL. I also hate when canon CONTRADICTS ITSELF. I research the hell out of stuff to make sure the timeline matches up, to practice proper characterization, to know the specific name of an object within the Star Wars universe, and I must, MUST describe things in explicit detail and paint a picture or I just don't want to do it. I can't just write smut usually, for instance. THERE HAS TO BE A SET UP! It has. to. make. sense. And yeah, that part is fun for me.

39. What keeps me writing is the fact I have fun with it, and people like you who talk me up! Feedback goes a long way. If others enjoy it, I enjoy that I made them happy in some capacity, if only for a few moments. If no one cared, I would probably think it's not worth it and my writing must be shit, haha.

[fredalan]

Chauncey Street creates the Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards

The blood was quickly draining from the faces of Gerry Laybourne and Debby Beece.

Chauncey Street Productions –Albie Hecht, Alan, Fred– was describing a scene of hopeful optimism of an annual kids' award show Nickelodeon should produce.

"There'll be the biggest movie stars in the world while 10,000 kids will be screaming at the top of their lungs!"

"But why will any stars come to a Nickelodeon kids' awards show?"

In 1988, Nickelodeon was only three years into its Fred/Alan revival. Even with the network at #1 in the ratings, Nick management was, smartly, still working like the channel was an underdog. It allowed the staff to keep their creative and business edges, striving to be the best.

As much as Nick had grown, the general perception was that The Disney Channel was bigger. It wasn't true, not by a long shot, but Disney clearly had a bigger brand name in the public's –and the media business's– imagination. So the underdog needed to keep up the pressure.

We thought an annual Kids' Choice Awards, executed well, could be Nickelodeon's nail in The Disney Channel coffin. After all, Nick was the most popular kids channel on television, by far. This show would be the proof, like ESPNs ESPYS and MTVs Video Music Awards had done for their channels.

Gerry and Debby became convinced, as did the MTV Networks higher ups, that with cable in 50 million American homes in the late 1980s, and Nick at #1 in the ratings (not to mention the dominance of Nick-at-Nite), in addition to kids, parents –and please, movie stars were parents too!– were more excited about Nickelodeon than anyone realized. And the chance to be in the presence of a live Nick show would draw out the crowds.

Alan: A nice detail is what Gerry told me years and years later. “When you guys told me the idea I thought I was going to throw up. I was so worried celebrities wouldn’t come because we were still new. But I also knew you were right and we had to do it.”

It was still an uphill battle to mount the show. Budget would be an issue for several years, convincing Universal's Hollywood theme park to give us one of their pavilions for free was, to say the least, a triumph of negotiation (we promised that we’d feature the tour in the show!). And those movie star guests? That took a while.

From the very beginning, we were thinking about what the actual physical award would be. Albie was drawn to the blimp version of Nick’s logo that Corey & Co. had designed for Fred/Alan. It was his brainstorm that insisted the dirigible would double as a kaleidoscope.

Dan Schneider, Debbie Gibson, Brian Robbins frightened by King Kong on the Universal Studios Hollywood tour KCA 1988

The first show host was Tony Danza, then flying high on "Who's the Boss," Nickelodeon network ID singers, Eugene Pitt & the Jive Five and pop sensation  Debbie Gibson. And maybe most prophetic of all,  guest presenters included stars of the sitcom "Head of the Class" Dan Schneider and Brian Robbins. "Prophetic" because Dan went on to create Nick's iconic live action comedies like "Drake & Josh," "iCarly" and "Zoey 101." And Brian? Well, after several years of being a hit television producer with partner Michael Tollin ("Smallville," "All That," "One Tree Hill"), in 2018 Brian became the president of Nickelodeon.

Alan: Other details: We couldn’t get Eddie Murphy that first year. We couldn’t even get Judge Reinhold to accept on his behalf. Thank goodness John Ashton did the appearance. (He was the cop sidekick.)

Also if I’m not mistaken Alf won best actor for TV. Hey, they were kids. 

Brian Robbins & Dan Schneider KCA 1988

Albie went on to become the Nickelodeon's president of production where he produced all the Kids' Choice shows until he becamse Spike TV's founding CEO in 2003. Not for nothing, after a steady build, the 1998 10th Annual Kids' Choice Awards was held at UCLA's Pauley Pavilion. The sold out capacity? 10,000 screaming kids.

[beansmakesthings]

I will ABSOLUTELY engage with you!

Alliance theatre. Maybe a basic answer, but idk it just hits so good.

Jane Doe and Mischa

Uhm Virgil I guess? Idk he's the one with the least character and I love everybody too much.

Yes. I can't pick one favourite. They all go so hard.

If I can count cut songs, Tragic Fact. Not that it's bad or I genuinely dislike it or anything, I still know all the words and bop to it, but I think it's one of the weaker intros cause it's kind of excessively long without giving that many details aside from 'this town sucks ass'.

If I rank them by personal taste and not by their actual effectiveness at establishing the start of a story then, Waiting for the Drop, The Fall Fair Suite, The Uranium Suite, U-R-A-N-I-U-M, Tragic Fact (I think The Uranium Suite is the best one at establishing the story though and I get why they went with it)

BUT AT THE TOP OF THE PEAK THERE'S A MOMENT WHERE YOU'RE KING OF THE WORLD AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE HURLED OVER UP AND THEN DOWN TOWARDS THE CARNIVAL GROUND SCREAMING JOIN THE CRAZY TWISTED SYMPHONY OF SOUND 🗣🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Probably Corey, but I mean he's basically part of the draft for Mischa

I'm not the biggest Nischa endgame shipper. At least, not unless they do genuinely stay dead. I think it's cute as a mutual crush, but if Mischa came back to life and didn't have a big happy family with Talia after a song and monologue like that I would cry

Perfectdolls. There's nothing funnier or sweeter to me than this bitchy ginger having her entire understanding of herself and her sexuality flipped on its head because of some weird creepy doll girl. Plus, if they come back to life, I think Ocean dating an autistic girl would really put into perspective how terrible she's been to disabled and queer people and she'd probably improve a lot more

Mmm probably Ocean and Constance? Not that I don't get it, but I just think Constance probably had a big crush on Ocean that got steadily ruined over time by Ocean's behaviour and I doubt Constance would want to be anything more than friends after all that.

Emily Rohm has my entire heart, what an icon

LISTEN. Jane Doe is Ocean's character arc. Yeah Constance is absolutely part of it in making Ocean realize how terrible she's been, but Jane Doe is a physical manifestation of Ocean's bigotry and her gradual acceptance of her is Ocean coming to terms with herself and starting to be better. To go from calling Jane a thing and a freaky monster, to hearing her pain and actually trying to do something as opposed to brushing it off by throwing her a party and writing her a song, to ultimately choosing Jane over herself to come back to life because Ocean isn't the most important person in the room and she isn't better than Jane Doe. To be the physical embodiment of someone's capacity and gradual willingness to change, can that not be considered love?

Gus Halper's Mischa. He doesn't play my boy to be an idiot

Okay listen, we all know the McCarter Theatre production was fucked behind the scenes, but with that said, the choreography that Eli Mayer does in This Song is Awesome and Talia is amazing and the entire staging of thay version of Talia is brilliant (my one gripe with Talia is his mispronounciation of the Ukrainian but honestly that's probably the fault of whatever dialect coach they brought in)

Oh man Majectic Rep and Roxy theatre's Jane Does gotta be some of my favourite make up in anything ever

We do not talk enough about Lillian Castillo on the official soundrack doing Sugar Cloud. She put her all into it and it touches my very soul

I have far too many headcanons for RTC so um... a random headcanon for Ocean is that she secretly likes Mischa's music and has an account on YouTube no one knows about that she saves all his song with

This one is kind of nitpicky, but because I'm a nerd it's always bugged me how the accident happened. Because it is SO UNLIKELY that they would've come off the track at the apex of a loop. There's too much centripetal force and inertia acting on the car to keep it on the track. My 'theory' on how this could actually be possible is that the loop they were on was one of those ones that starts to twist halfway through the loop, which they call an Immelmann roll I believe? The axel broke as they were coming to the twisty bit, so they were starting to go sideways as opposed to directly upside down, which is what allows them to come off the track while still being more or less upside down for the whole 'saling through space' stuff.

Hot_smokey_cowboy on Ao3. Absolute bangers fics and a friend of mine, but she hasn't updated in while. Still really good stuff though.

Can I say hot_smokey_cowboy again?

No, I don't have any OCs for RTC. Unless you count my take on Penny Lamb which is pretty much entirely my head canons, but that's wayyy too long of a conversation lol

I mean, probably The Strangest Person in Town or something like that. I have a lot of family that live in small Canadian towns kinda like Uranium and let me tell you, I can barely talk to my cousins' friends because we have so little in common. I can tell they think I'm weird. I don't mind or care at all, but yeah probably something to do with being seen as a weird kid lol

"It took a horrible accident for me to realize how God damn wonderful everything is." But really that entire monologue from Constance was pulled right out of my heart and thrown on the stage to face me

I want someone in a Dogulous costume. Even just stick some dog ears with little alien antenna bawbles on them to Karnak's head. I just need everyone to turn to someone and aggressively call them a 'son of a bitch'.

I mean, I think everyone's talked about RGC at this point, but I'll throw some more promotion their way. Good shit!

Alliance Theatre, RGC, Roxy, McCarter, Majestic Rep, and one more but I literally cannot remember the name sorry

No. They literally came to my city on the Canadian Tour and I missed it by being 8 and in a family of people who didn't like theatre

I would LOVE to play Jane Doe. I'm already a soprano and can sing The Ballad of Jane Doe kind of decently. Give me some more vocal training and spooky makeup and I'm ready

The overwhelming theme of love. Ride the Cyclone is funny and dark and the characters are flawed, but at the end of the day, everyone in the show either expresses their love and passion for something, or they learn to be more open to love and to become a better person. It's a show about how powerful and important love is and how, if shown enough of the kindness and compassion there is in the world, anyone is capable of change.

Ride The Cyclone Ask Game!!!

Just some fun little questions!! Please do rant as much as you want with any and all of your answers :D

Favourite production?

Favourite character?

Least favourite character?

Favourite song?

Least favourite song?

How would you rank the opening songs?

Favourite cut song?

Favourite cut character?

Unpopular opinion? Or if you don't have any, a popular opinion you agree with?

Favourite ship?

Least favourite ship/ship that you don't understand the hype for?

Favourite RTC actor(s)?

Favourite representation of [insert ship]?

Favourite interpretation of [insert character]?

Favourite take on [insert song]?

Favourite costumes/set design?

Favourite vocal performance?

What are your headcanons for [insert character]?

Do you have any theories?

Favourite RTC fanfic/fic author/fic recs in general?

Favourite RTC fanart/fanartist/any fanart you love?

Do you have any OCs? If so what are they like?

What would your catchphrase be and/or what 'The ___ in Town' would you be called?

Favourite line of dialogue?

Something you haven't seen in a production that you want to?

Any underrated productions you love?

How many productions have you watched? Which ones?

Have you ever been to see a RTC production?

If you were in a production of RTC, who would you play?

Overall favourite part of RTC and/or the fandom?

[makeste]

literally just another giant post of Bakugou faces.

so I did this last year, but I only got up to chapter 120 before I ran out of steam. happily, though, this left me with an additional 190 chapters’ worth of glorious gremlin faces to choose from for this year’s edition! which I figure I had better do, before tumblr finally pulls the plug on my poor sweet image limit.

so without further ado, happy birthday to Kacchan, and happy birthday to Kacchan’s asymmetrical HAH face where his eyes do the thing like ( ◣益◢).

why I like it: so this is from Kirishima’s flashback in chapter 133, where Kirishima was getting all down on himself because his quirk Only Does One Thing, and Kacchan was all “nah bro don’t worry about it because your One Thing is totally fucking rad, and you’re strong enough to withstand anything.” so that of course was incredibly sweet, and one of the few times we’ve seen him give an actual heartfelt pep talk without so much as a single insult thrown into the mix. but what really puts this scene over the top for me is the fact that you can see the ever-so-subtle hints of guilt and regret when he talks about All Might and Kamino. for just a moment, he gets this distant look in his eyes, and his expression turns soft and contemplative. basically this is a rare collector’s edition Kacchan face you will not find in many other places.

why I like it: because this frankly needs to happen in every damn fight until this kid finally gets it through his thick skull to ditch the mask so we can see every fantastic facial expression in full 4k glory. work with me here please Kacchan.

why I like it: because character growth!! this was our first big moment of post-DvK2 Kacchan development, and the payoff was well worth the wait. it only took him 166 chapters to realize that it’s hard to grow as a person if you’re determined to be a humongous dick to every single person you meet!! lmao, but it’s progress though.

why I like it: these two panels are criminally underrated. the way his face transforms when Deku gets the answer wrong dlkjfldk. this is easily one of the funniest subtle gags in the entire series.

why I like it: “hey Bakugou do you want to play in our band?” “fuck you, no.” “pretty please.” “fine, but I refuse to call it a band.” “well then what do you want to call it -- ” “MURDER.”

why I like it: GONNA MURDER EVERYONE BY PLAYING THE DRUMS!!!! SOMEHOW WE’VE SUCCESSFULLY COMPARTMENTALIZED THIS SCHOOL-SANCTIONED DISPLAY OF PERFORMING ARTS AS A DEATH MATCH. OH TO UNDERSTAND THE INNER WORKINGS OF THIS YOUNG MAN’S MIND.

why I like it: hah?! I love how he has to tilt his neck all the way back every single time he does this. he’s so cute I love him so much.

why I like it: somewhere around this point in the manga Kacchan decided to do away with being handsome and decided to just be a full-time gremlin in every single panel. this persisted for the next 90 chapters or so and he was very dedicated. I’m pretty sure he was going for vulgar and intimidating, but unfortunately for him he’s too inherently adorable and so the end result is just endearing and almost charming in its own way.

why I like it: this was from chapter 194 when Aizawa was announcing that they’d have a special guest for the Joint Training arc, and so Kacchan was all “BOY OH BOY A NEW ASS TO KICK.”

why I like it: more character development! and just look at that confidence! he’s fully recovered from his low point after Kamino and the provisional exam. he knows what he’s about now, and he is THRIVING. and once again you can see how his conviction inspires the people around him and makes them more determined. just, he is going to be such a good number one hero you guys.

why I like it: it’s the three little “!!!” lines hovering in the corner next to his head for me. “oh my god it’s All Might, All Might saw me being cool and Saving To Win and stuff, what’s he gonna say what do I do omg quick act natural.”

why I like it: QUICK HIDE YOUR FEELINGS!! WE CAN’T LET THE NEIGHBORS KNOW WE CARE. fjkdlsjklk

why I like it: this is his expression when he first sees Deku activate Blackwhip for the first time. it’s one of the few unguarded expressions of complete surprise that we’ve gotten from him and I love it thank you.

why I like it: classic asymmetrical HAH face. he truly has perfected this look. look at him, casually clinging to a pole for no reason other than to look dynamic. this boy truly cannot sit or stand or walk or do anything normally. he spent three months working his ass off to catch up to Deku and the others, and now that he finally has he’s filled with so much pent-up energy that he simply cannot hold it back anymore and he’s gotta climb a pole. he’s just gotta.

why I like it: because he is so fucking good at saving people now you guys, he’s like a whole-ass professional and shit, and yet it hasn’t changed who he is one single iota. he will save your life and he will SCREAM AT YOU WHILE DOING IT and you’ll sit there and be grateful goddammit.

why I like it: o noo he was caught unawares. All Might was all “I’m gonna have a dad moment and nobody can stop me” and he walked right up to him and put his hand on his head because he’s All Might and so what is he even gonna do about it. nothing, that’s what. you got played, Kacchan. outmaneuvered and outfoxed. all he can do is stand there and make that grumpy face he makes when he’s receiving unwanted affection (҂⌣̀_⌣́).

why I like it: more unwanted affection. now they’re even feeding him ffs. how could he let this happen. mm chicken.

why I like it: GREATEST ASYMETRICAL HAH?! FACE OF ALL TIME. out of all the people to befriend him against his will, Todoroki is by far the most confusing to him and it’s just so great.

why I like it: this is when Hawks is staring at him in chapter 244 because he fake-killed his mentor and stuff and he feels sorta guilty about it. but meanwhile Kacchan just thinks he’s trying to start some shit, and so he’s all “I WAS FASTER THAN YOU BACK THERE YOU KNOW” and Hawks is all “hahaha okay little buddy you just keep telling yourself that”, because as previously discussed Kacchan is too adorable to ever be intimidating.

why I like it: this is from 246 when he’s in the middle of arguing with Burnin’ and all of a sudden Endeavor calls to him and he’s just like o shit what’d I do.

why I like it: because Endeavor’s mentoring them and shit and he’s just casually sitting there eating his lunch like yeah. with his lil hamster cheeks lulz.

why I like it: the look that instantly became iconic. this panel cured me of the misconception that Bakugou “goes to bed at 8:30pm” Katsuki was a morning person. the truth is he loathes all times of the day equally.

why I like it: this one is a team effort because Deku’s faces are equally as good. I’m genuinely shocked that this family dinner with the Todorokis didn’t prematurely unlock Danger Sense. you can tell that he and Deku have a silent agreement to call a temporary truce on their rivalry for as long as they sit at this table as outsiders in this strange land. this is by far the most hazardous meal Bakugou has ever experienced, and yet the mapo tofu is too good to go to waste, so he’s just shoveling it down his throat trying to finish as much as possible before shit inevitably hits the fan.

why I like it: Kacchan is New Here so he doesn’t yet realize that if the Todorokis are spilling family secrets, there is always inevitably going to be someone listening in the shadows just outside the door.

why I like it: the battle with Ending was probably peak gremlin!Kacchan. like, we’ve had gremlin before and afterwards, but never quite to this same degree. Horikoshi really decided to push the limits of contorting this child’s face in the strangest ways.

why I like it: peak. gremlin.

why I like it: nothing to see here, just Kacchan quietly realizing after 252 chapters that he MIGHT have been just a BIT of a cartoonishly villainous asshole to Deku back at the beginning there ha ha ha oh god oh fuck.

why I like it: because he found the answer to What It Is That He Lacks, and he’s all cool and calm and infuriatingly secretive about it. it’s such a sudden and stark contrast to the gremlin faces he was making only moments earlier, and it makes this moment hit home that much more.

why I like it: because this is him being friends with Deku!! like for real though!! because he’s fucking around and insulting him and making weird faces and stuff, but it’s because in his mind That’s What Friends Do. they clown on each other and help each other train and shit. half an hour after this they’ll go down to the training gym and play Catch-A-Kacchan, and then he’ll quietly confess to All Might that he wants to atone. he may be a gremlin, but he’s a gremlin with layers goddammit.

why I like it: because this is right after TomurAFO shows up out of nowhere and scares the shit out of him and Deku and makes them see a terrifying death vision and stuff, and you can see how shaken up he is by it. he definitely understands how close they came to dying just then and he’s sobered the fuck up. this is the moment when it really sinks in that shit has gotten real. eight minutes from now he’ll move without thinking and save Deku’s life.

why I like it: hydro homies. nothing restores those electrolytes like good old Raquaius Sports Drink.

why I like it: because this panel was when it started to become clear that the real reason he grabbed this sports drink was to pretend like he was busy so he could act like he wasn’t interested in Deku’s training because god forbid the neighbors know that he actually cares.

why I like it: because the sideways glance!! and the fact that he doesn’t deny it!! in fact he does the opposite of denying it, and he basically starts pouring his heart out about how goddamn worried he actually is. he’s guilty and anxious and restless and this entire conversation is amazing.

why I like it: he looks so goddamn young here. when he finally stops scrunching up his face and putting on his usual tough guy act and for once allows his actual emotions to show on his face instead, the result is so damn striking. for once we got an entire conversation with no gremlin faces, because Horikoshi had to drop them completely in order to show just how serious he is here. which was incredibly effective btw.

why I like it: because he’s basically just fidgeting with the bottle now to avoid making eye contact with All Might because he just revealed a deep dark secret to him and he’s precariously vulnerable right now. that’s the body language of a kid who knows how badly he fucked up, and just wants to hear from someone else if it’s going to be okay, if he can still make it okay. he looks so small here.

why I like it: the worry lines under his eyes. the look of uncertainty and wanting to believe that what All Might says is true (“you’ll get a chance to talk eventually”). the hesitance to turn back and look at him, and the way he doesn’t dare until he finally gets that small bit of reassurance. All Might isn’t judging him. All Might understands him and understands where he’s coming from, and he’s giving him his blessing. he’s giving him a thumbs up and reassuring him that he sees the change in him and sees that he’s sincerely trying, and basically saying that he has faith that he and Deku will be able to work it out. and you can see that it means a lot.

why I like it: because this kid spent his entire internship with Jeanist doing nothing but bitching nonstop, and then later on when Jeanist went missing he was all tight-lipped about it because once again NOBODY CAN KNOW THAT WE CARE GODDAMMIT, and it was all very Classic Bakugou. but then Jeanist finally shows up again at Jakku, and we get this little moment of happy, smirky FUCK YEAH, I KNEW YOU WEREN’T DEAD YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, and it’s just the best.

why I like it: HE’S SO UNABASHEDLY PROUD GOD BLESS HIM.

why I like it: because he nearly died and then he woke up here in the hospital two days later not knowing where anybody else is or whether they’re even still alive, and this, my friends. this is finally the moment. the moment where he was all FUCK IT, MAYBE WE CAN LET THE NEIGHBORS KNOW WE CARE AFTER ALL. character fucking development. you love to see it.

BONUS:

WHAT HAVE I BECOME, MY SWEETEST FRIEND. EVERYONE I KNOW GOES AWAY IN THE END.

happy birthday Katsuki. feel better sweetie. HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER TREAT HIM RIGHT I AM COUNTING ON YOU.

[strangerthings4theories]

The Demogorgon Is Billy’s Dark Reflection

At first glance, the Demogorgon seems irrelevant to the question of whether or not Billy’s coming back. But as I aim to prove, it has everything to do with it. 

Stranger Things deals heavily in the theme of reflections and opposites. Characters are designed to mirror each other, embody the opposite of each other, and sometimes both at once. Hell, the Upside Down is presented as a reflection of the real world. Literally.

(Damn. They ain’t subtle.)

By the term “dark reflection,” I mean a relationship like that between the Upside Down and the real world. The two are almost exact copies; the Upside Down has all the same landmarks, down to Will’s fort in the woods. But the Upside Down has been corrupted by the Mind Flayer, its inhabitants turned into unthinking monsters.

It’s like us. But it’s everything we hate about ourselves, everything we’re afraid of becoming.

When we probe relationships between characters, we find that pattern replicated across the board. I don’t have room to explore it in full here. However, Billy and the Demogorgon are one of the most obvious examples.

With the exception of El, the main character of the show, no one else has been compared to the Demogorgon like Billy has.

>>Billy fills the “monster” role in S3 that the Demogorgon filled in S1.

In S1, the Demogorgon stalks the inhabitants of Hawkins, kidnapping and killing them. In S2, we find out Demogorgons do not act alone, but are the puppets of a greater monster: the Mind Flayer. 

In S3, the Mind Flayer possesses Billy, turning him into His puppet. Billy then stalks the inhabitants of Hawkins, kidnapping and taking them to his master, which ultimately results in their deaths.

In S3, the Demogorgon wears a human face.

>>Like the Demogorgon, Billy is the puppet of a greater monster... even before he’s possessed.

Max tells us as much in Runaway Max when she’s watching Billy beat the life out of Steve:

I remembered how it had felt the first time I’d watched the Hargroves in action. Neil standing over Billy with the belt in his hand. Neil calling me a stupid little girl for having the guts to try to stop him. Making it so clear that he thought I was small and weak and pointless. And knowing Neil believed that still wasn’t as bad as the way Billy had hated me for trying to help him. He was damaged. Broken, maybe. And even if he’d been coherent enough to argue with, it wouldn’t make a difference. I understood now that Neil was in his head, and that meant he was just as dangerous as his father. (p 218)

This implies not only that Billy is the Demogorgon, but also that Neil is the Mind Flayer. The ramifications of that idea are... oof. Just oof.

Remember the definition of “dark reflection” that I gave you. A dark reflection is something that’s like us, but represents what we hate or fear most about ourselves.

The Demogorgon is Billy’s dark reflection because it represents his fear of losing his humanity to an abuser. 

>>Runaway Max draws on the grossest scene in S2 to give us a Billy/Demogorgon parallel.

In S2, Dustin finds a baby Demogorgon and names it D’Artagnan. At first Dart seems harmless. Then he molts and, in a scene I hate to watch, eats Dustin’s cat.

Keep in mind that Dustin’s cat is orange.

In Runaway Max, Billy seems harmless at first. Then, in a flashback to California, we’re told of the day Billy “molts.” 

One afternoon, he’s hanging out with Max and his buddies Wayne and Sid on the scrubby hill behind the Hargrove house. He’s bored and pissed at Sid for besting him on a history paper. Pulling out his lighter, he starts playing with it.

We learn there’s a corpse of a cat nearby:

There was a dead cat that had been lying under one of the sweet pea bushes for a while. A mangy orange tom with one white foot. (p 63)

Billy stalks over to it with his lighter. In a “hard, bright” voice, he talks about giving the cat a “Viking funeral.” Then, over Max and Sid’s protests, he drenches the corpse in butane and lights it on fire. The flames race down the hill, and the others have to stomp them out before they spiral out of control.

Max notes Billy’s reaction:

Billy just watched, standing over the burning cat, smiling that small, tight smile he got when something seemed funny to him....

After that, I knew.

Not that Billy was crazy or out of control, exactly - it wasn’t like the cat had been alive. But the fact that he’d done it meant something. (p 67)

Yeah, this scene means something, alright. Symbolically, Billy - a baby Demogorgon - has just eaten a cat. And, like Dustin with Dart, Max realizes he’s a monster in the making.

>>The show’s plot and cinematography choices emphasize the Billy/Demogorgon connection.

1) El first meets them in the Void. They’re both crouching, and literally or symbolically feasting, as she approaches from the right.

2) They stalk after the kids, shoulders hunched. In the Demogorgon’s case, the kids are trapped. In Billy’s case, he thinks he’s trapping the kids, but they turn the tables on him.

3) When the Demogorgon is activated, a crack rips through the tile wall of the lab. When Billy is activated, we see cracked tiles on the wall behind him.

4) El pins them against the wall with her powers. Then she screams in their faces before she deals the “death blow.” In the climactic shot, she’s on the left, they’re on the right. Mike and/or her friends are behind her.

All of that ^ is the equivalent of the Duffers banging pots and pans. “Hey guys! Billy is like the Demogorgon! The Demogorgon is like Billy!” When I first noticed it, it told me to look for other examples of “mirroring.” Do we get any other shots that juxtapose the two?

Turns out we do. Oh my god, we do.

Study this pair of shots very, very carefully.

In the first, the Demogorgon is approaching the Byers' house. It's in the center of the frame, moving straight toward us. We see woods in the background; a lamp post is on the left side.

In the second, Billy is running away from the sauna. He's in the center of the frame, moving directly away from us. We see woods in the background; a lamp post is on the right side.

I’ve already talked about how the Upside Down is the deep sea. However, it is ALSO the woods. In fairytales, the woods are a place of mystery and monsters. Some of the most famous tales happen there, such as Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel. (If you want to read more about this topic, here’s a Wikipedia article to get you started. Also a cool article on Medium)

With that in mind, we can describe this pair of shots as follows:

In the first, the Demogorgon is emerging from the Upside Down.

In the second, Billy is going to the Upside Down.

Interesting, right? Ah, but that’s only half of the story.

Study this pair now and tell me what you see.

Yep... they’re related.

In the second shot, Billy is swimming into the ocean. It’s the last glimpse we have of his young, happy self before the Mind Flayer kills him. He’s in the center of the frame, moving directly away from us, just like the first shot.

With that in mind, we could say...

In the first, he’s going to the Upside Down in its ‘woods’ manifestation.

In the second - OUR LAST GLIMPSE OF YOUNG BILLY BEFORE HE DIES - he’s going to the Upside Down in its ‘ocean’ manifestation.

Interesting how we've only seen him leave. Yet we have this iconic image of the Demogorgon, his “dark reflection,” emerging from the Upside Down and coming to us.

I have a spooky vibe, y'all, that we're missing a final shot.

And we're going to see Billy... 

coming to us... 

from the water.

I have so much more to unpack here, but this post has gone on long enough! In future posts, I’ll lay out more evidence suggesting Billy will return from the water. I’ll also explore the mythological implications. They’re mind-blowing :3

»»————-　✼　————-««

P.S. I mentioned El has a unique relationship to the Demogorgon too. I’ll try to explain that eventually~~

»»————-　✼　————-««

The “Billy Is Alive” Meta Series (So Far)

Billy Is Not a ‘B’ Character In Stranger Things

The First Rule of Analyzing Stranger Things: The Upside Down Is Symbolized By Water

The Lifeguard And The Rip Current: Our First Big Hint That Billy Is Alive

Why Haven’t We Seen Dacre On Set?

Frequently Asked Questions

For updates, follow the hashtag #billy is alive meta

[rcksmith]

Spring breeze part.4 — Spencer Reid

Icon by @obiwansjedi

Part.1 Part.2 Part.3

Sumarry: After the breakup, Spencer and the Reader follow different paths and lives. But, after 8 years, Gideon's death brings an avalanche of emotions, putting the two face to face again in a reencounter that could break their hearts again — season 10 ��

Couple: Spencer Reid /Gideon's daughter!reader.

Warnings: mention of death, mention of violence, death of the father, depressive thoughts, murder, crying, swearing, a lot of anguish, mention of love, fluff (but it has a very fluff too, I'm not a monster)

Word count: 5k.

A/N: This is the most sad chapter that has, I promise that the next will be very cute.💖

I saw Gideon's death episode again to make it as faithful as possible for you guys. I used the original Criminal Minds chronology too, being 8 years from Gideon's last appearance until his death.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Let me know if you want to be added for a taglist for a specific fandom (Criminal Minds, The Umbrella Academy, Riverdale, Roman Godfrey, or all)

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

— — — — —

Hunting bandits. Save people. Improve the world a little bit every day. Those were the three things Spencer believed it was worth to be at BAU. It was worth fighting for, holding on, staying sleepless for days, being haunted by murderers by day and nightmares at night. For what it was worth looking at the abyss, even when it looks to you

Reid could deal with human perversion, with the thousand and one ways to practice heinous crimes, the sowing of evil and cruelty. He could cope with constantly being inside insane minds, learning his whys and mechanisms. He could take it. He put up with it day after day, case after case. He endured being tortured, stay being held at gunpoint, having a piece of his essence plucked with red-hot iron month after month. Spencer knew he could handle it.

But he couldn't handle death. Goodbye. It shattered his soul far more than difficult cases, pushed his own sanity to the limit. Perhaps burying his feelings as deeply as possible was just a method of delaying the wave that would drown him at one time or another. Inevitably.

Each farewell took a piece of Reid away. His father, his mother, Ellie, you, Gideon, JJ, were just a few of the people who left, living their lives elsewhere. But what about those who died? The victims, the children, Hayley, Maeve, Emily (even if only for a short time) and so many others. These took much more than a piece of him. Maybe costu his whole soul.

Spencer felt himself harden over the years, the cases, loss after loss, day after loss. He felt the purity of his own heart slip through his fingers like sand, the faith in humanity to be put to the test. Sometimes even faith in himself.

Was that the price to pay for that job? Being constantly vulnerable? See his life and the lives of the people his loved most at gunpoint?

It was worth?

Maeve's death shook him more than any other, sucking all the pink glow from his world, leaving him with only the cold feeling of hopelessness. A very deep void. It took a long time for memories of she not to hurt like red-hot iron, for his breathing not to be heavy. It took a long time to be happy again.

And when Spencer felt healed from the deepest wounds, the most visceral pains, he was hit again. Deeply. If Maeve's death was a wave that brought him down, Gideon's death was the tsunami that destroyed him.

“It's Gideon.” Hotch's voice confirmed the fear of everyone in that cottage.

Then Spencer felt shattered. Torn apart. Torn like a rag doll and placed on the fire. He wanted to scream, to scream so loudly that he would never regain his voice. He wanted to break something, destroy some, run away.

But run away from whom? From what? That pain or himself? If Spencer had been able to tear off his own skin at that time and be someone else, he would not have hesitated. Not having dropped to his knees in that cottage was a miracle, because Spencer no longer knew what was holding him upright.

Jason Gideon, in many ways, was all that Spencer had. He knew that they took different paths and traveled different roads, living different lives, but he believed that they always end up on the same, even one they was old. Spencer was sure that if he was dying on his knees, Gideon would be to rescue him. For all those 8 years, it was extremely comforting to think that Gideon was out there, living life, finding the hope he had in college, finding the brilliance the world had.

And Reid knew that Jason had you. And you had Gideon. That was the most soothing and comforting thought. No matter what, he knew that you would take care of Jason, just like he would take care of you. But now... now Spencer's world had dissolved in the air. Like a sandcastle knocked over by the wind.

And the pain was surreal.

When he realized, he had left the room, close to the... body. If he could, Spencer would have moved away from himself. How would he take it? One more death, another psychopath. How many other people he love will are died at the hands of the work he did every day?

The answer to all of these questions was frightening, and Spencer wasn't sure if wanted them.

The trip to the coroner was the worst Reid had ever done, talking about the body was the worst conversation he had ever had. And when Morgan put his hand on his shoulder and said that he couldn't close himself now, that they were going to get that son of a bitch, all Spencer wanted to say was that he couldn't take it anymore. That he couldn't breathe. The emptiness was too oppressive. So much visceral pain.

But that was not what Spencer said. He just clung to the only lifeguard in the middle of the rough and deserted sea: justice. Gideon deserve it.

Reid doesn't know how he managed to get back to the Gideon’s house, how he managed to hear Hotch and Rossi talking about what could have happened. But he was there, standing, by some miracle.

“Do you know who might want to have done this?” Hotch asked Stephen, who had arrived, his eyes red from the crying he struggled to hold.

“No. I know he had a list of things he wanted to do before he died... That's how we came back to speak, one of the things was to get back in touch.” His voice was so reminiscent of Gideon's that it was stabbed in the heart of Reid.

“Didn't he talk about being chased? Feeling anything strange?” Rossi commented.

Reid watched Stephen's expressions carefully, first because he reminded Gideon a lot, and second because he looked for any clues in his reactions.

Stephen took a second to think before saying: “No, but we both don't keep in touch daily, you know?” He swallowed a sob, probably with regret, but then his eyes lit up with some information: “'But Y/n surely know, they both spoke to each other every day, if my father was thinking differently, surely she know.”

The mention of your name hit Reid with a very different wave. Bringing a very different feeling than it should. At that moment, he felt himself holding the air.

For a second, a lapse of consciousness, Spencer had not connected any of this with your physical presence. The notion that you were Gideon's daughter was obvious but, for some reason, Spencer didn't think about the fact that you were going to be there. That you would share the same air with him again, the same place...

“We will have to call her, bring her here to see if something has been left, or taken. If there is anything important on the scene.” It was Hotch.

“I called her as soon as you guys called me.” Stephen said “She arrived from California the day before yesterday, my father and she were going to travel.” He tried to swallow the crying, his eyes trembling.

"And you weren't going?" Rossi added.

“I have a son and a wife.” He gave a smile broken by the sadness of the mourning “They would stop by before I go… Y/n was going to tell me the news, since our schedules hardly match much, she works as an astronomer in…”

“Caltech.” Spencer completed, without even realizing it, like a thought out loud.

“Yea.” Stephen agreed.

Spencer felt a chill go from head to toe, and another ton of feelings were thrown at his back. The reality that he was going to see you again hit him hard. Like an arrow. Suddenly, Reid wanted to get out of there. Run as far as possible.

He couldn't see you. He had no ability to deal with those feelings now. Not now, when his life was so overwhelmed with emotions for Gideon’s death that he still hadn't dealt Not when you aroused the feeling of... hope. Spencer can’t could hope, of any kind. Not for them to be taken from him with visceral force. Reid was already hurt enough for handling another fall.

“... But I don't think it's a good idea for my sister to be here, anyway.” Stephen continued to speak.

Rossi and Hotch frowned: “Why?”

“They were very connected. Seeing this scene is not going to do her any good...” he sobs this time “Y/n is not like me… she is sentimental, emotional. ”

“As long as you're trying to stay calm, she'll be the opposite.” Hotch completed.

“I just don't want my sister to suffer anymore and...”

But it was too late for Stephen to complete. It was too much for Spencer to escape. It was too late to be born again, in a different life.

A gray car moved forward on the stone road, at too high a speed not to have washed several road fines. That was so much typical of you who hurt Spencer's heart pieces more than he thought possible. More than he thought he could feel at the time. You were always so wild at the wheel. But Reid didn't have time to finish a thought, not even Rossi, Hotch, Morgan who was with them or even Stephen. Because car brutally stopped it, the door opened and…

And it was as if the sun came out from behind the clouds after years. As if summer had finally come after decades of overwhelming winter. In a burst, everything you've ever represented for Spencer has come back for him once again. And he felt the same thing that he felt when he first saw you, 8 years ago. And he was catatonic.

You got out of the car in a very hurried and desperate way. And as much as there were tears in your eyes and redness in cheeks, Spencer has never seen anyone so beautiful. Your hair was longer, in a brighter shade, maybe you had dyed it. Your features were more lyrical and beautiful, and Reid thought that the passage of time had no effect on you. While he considered himself just less clumsy over the years, you proved to be blooming like Romania's most superb rose.

“DAD!” But that was when your desperate voice brought Reid's consciousness back to earth.

You weren't calling your brother, you weren't asking why, you weren't in mourning. You were in denial. Disbelieving. You called out to your father, with the certainty that he would show up. And the despair in your eyes hurt Reid more than being shot.

But before the agents could do anything, you were running towards the house and Stephen ran towards you, taking you in his arms, trying to keep you from getting inside.

“LET ME GO, STEPHEN!” You struggled, trying to get rid of your brother's arms, your hair messing with the wind, tears streaming down your eyes. “They are wrong! It's not our father! Let me fucking go! DAD!”

“Y/n” Stephen had a broken heart in his eyes, some tears streaming down his eyes “You need to calm down before you get in there !”

“LET ME GO!” Yours sobs broke the hearts of the four agents over there “DAD!” You was cryng out, almost like a prayer, in a desperate call.

"He's gone, Y/n.” Your brother kept his arms stronger in you, trying to contain you while you struggle in trying to break free and go inside the house, under the illusion that you would find your father there.

“NO!” Now your crying was continuous “I spoke to him yesterday! It's not him, Stephen!” Then your brother turned you to him, holding you tight, and you melted into a visseral pain “It can't be him!”

“I know...” he sobbed, looking at you with the same shared pain “I know...”

So you gave yourself up to a painful, loud and desperate crying, the kind that won't let you breathe. And, unlike Reid, you fallen down. Your knees found the stone and grass floor, your hands clasped on Stephen's shirt, who knelt on the floor with you, delivered the pain you both shared.

You knew what your father's risks were in working in such a dangerous profession. Expose yourself to constant and frightening danger. You always knew about the risks, you just tried to ignore them all your life, sinking your fears about your father not coming home at night. Then, when he let the BAU, that fear dissipated. You felt a colossal weight being lifted off your shoulders, like tons of lead, and you let go of a fear so great that you didn't even know you had it.

For 8 years you thought that the chances of him not coming home were over, that the chances of seeing him the next day had increased dramatically. For 8 years you two traveled together, stopping at every type of diner for milkshake, chocolate ice cream and mint - his favorites - For 8 years you had your best friend, the only thing you knew you had in the world. You always knew that if you were drowning in the ocean, it would be your father who would give his lungs for you to breathe.

You didn't see a life without Gideon.

For you, you were crying for hours in what one day was your father's backyard, totally devastated, but for the rest of the world it was a matter of minutes.

Your sobs were so loud and real that Hotch and Rossi caught themselves with watery eyes, perfectly understanding the pain you were going through, the devastation. The two had lost many people, many of them being essential pieces to be able to continue breathing. Many of them felt wounds that would never heal.

But it was Rossi who approached you, the pain at the top of his throat, his mind wandering the day Gideon said he was going to have a little girl. Unlike Stephen, Rossi never saw you in person, but the sparkle in Jason's eyes whenever he talked about you, or with you on the phone, was enough to know that you were one of the essential pieces to keep breathing.

“Hi, my name is Rossi.” He knelt in front of you and your face went towards him, your cheeks and nose as red as your eyes.

“M-my dad talked about you."” You were still sobbing, slowly letting go of Stephen's shirt.

"Good things, I hope.” The two of you laughed like a sigh, and soon the pain returned to your eyes in a visseral way. “I know this is not fair, and I know it is asking too much, but I need you to go inside and try to find something out of place. Something that whoever did this to your father may have taken or left. ”

You closed your eyes in pain, tears streaming as you sobbed. Your hands, trembling and cold, went to your face, perhaps trying to hide from reality, perhaps wiping away tears. Maybe both. When you looked back at Rossi again, you saw the pain in his eyes too.

"I don't know if I can do it.” You admitted, your voice shaking.

"I know.” Rossi took his hand to yours, squeezing comfortingly “But only you can help us now, help other daughters not lose their father to the same killer. Being inside in the house can bring information that is in your subconscious. I promise you will make it, we will all be here with you.”

His handshake got stronger, and it reminded you of your father. That should have been the same way he comforted the victims' relatives, the way he was supposed to act with people.

'Everyone is somebody's son.' That's what Gideon said. It hit you like an atomic bomb. And, for a moment, you thought it was possible to die of sadness.

You squeezed Rossi's hand tightly, as if you were looking for courage. When you opened eyes again, you gave a weak nod. Carefully, as if any sudden movement is capable of causing you more pain, you stood up, your legs wobbly, your heart bleeding, sadness clouding your vision. Rossi put his hand behind your back, in a way to make sure him were there, as an anchorage in reality that would not let you get lost in the valley of sadness and pain.

As you walked up to the house, you didn't see the other agents, you didn't see the trees, the cars. At that time, you didn't even know what color the sky was anymore. It was like a suspended moment, when the world is in slow motion, the hemisphere is terrified. The sadness was palpable in the breeze, in the way that the rays of the sun did not reach the ground. The whole land looked like mourning.

As soon as you stepped inside the house, the smell of home and Gideon hit your nose, and you felt your face tighten in an expression of pure pain. You didn't notice the agents coming in behind you, you didn't notice Penelope and JJ. You just saw the furniture, the decor, his stuff. As if Gideon had just left for the market and was going to come back.

Everything was in was there. Minus the most important thing: him.

You did not notice when Rossi left you, you did not notice who approached. Everything was in a haze of pain.

But that's when you saw the strong blood marks on the floor, stuck to the wood with possession. A cold shiver as sighed from death ricocheted through your entire body, bristling all over your skin. In a burst, like the bursting of a violin string, the mist dissipated, the state of tupor burst, and reality hit you with overwhelming force.

And then the plug fell.

Jason Gideon had died.

You fell again, barely noticing the sobs and loud crying starting to come out again, the most desperate and painful in you life. But this time the arms that took you were different, bringing with you sensations that you haven't felt in a long time. That a long time ago you forgot that you could feel.

They were long, thin, and contained a vigor hidden beneath the thin facade. The smell of his presence was… heaven. That feeling was your anchorage on the high seas, in the valley of despair, and you clung to him for fear of drowning, of not finding your way back home.

You didn't have to see it to know who it was.

You turned to the arms that took you, now Spencer kneels with you on the floor, and you cried in a way that you never cried before, with a visseral pain. Your hands went to the brown cardigan he wore, closing there as if the fabric was your only chance for salvation.

So you looked at the immensity of the his brown irises.

"He was the only thing I had, Spen.” You sobbed loudly with the crying, gently swaying his coat, your voice utterly torn.

Spencer felt his eyes sting, his throat lock and the remains of what was his heart ache in a hideous way.

“I know.” He felt a tear run down his left cheek, his hands on your arms.

At this time, the two of you supported each other. Gideon meant a lot to you two. An irreplaceable role in yours life. And Spencer knew that was what you were talking about when you said:

"He was the only thing we both had.” You closed your eyes, your hands still firmly on his coat, your heart pounding.

But this time Spencer's voice was just as broken when he said: “I know.”

Then he hugged you.He hugged you for everything. He hugged you because it was a pain that only you two could understand. He hugged you because you needed it, and because he needed too.

Jason Gideon had a special connection with you two, a connection that only the two of you had ever experienced. Each relationship with Gideon was different, special in different ways, but only the two of you had him as a protector, mentor, a much more paternal and confidant figure. He was the kind of person you could leave your life in his hands, the kind who would teach you the secret of the worlds, show you what goodness was and at the same time strength. And you two had that.

You stained Reid's coat with tears, and Reid stained you with the strong smell he had. He stepped far enough away to be able to see your face perfectly, at a considerable distance, and, against everything he had ever done before with anyone, he took your face in his hands, his eyes fixed on your in pain shared.

“We will catch how did it.” Reid assured you, as if he had tattooed this words on your skin. You closed your eyes in pain, but he brought you back “Hey, keep looking at me."

So you did it. Because you would always follow Spencer. To hell if he asked.

"Don't take your eyes off mine, okay?” His voice was so sweet, so gentle, and you couldn't have done anything but agree. “When was the last time you spoke to Gideon?”

“Yesterday.” You replied “We were going to travel to the beach today, I took a vacation from work.”

“Was he at home when you two talked?”

The team looked at each other, with several questions in those look.

You denied it, the hiccup now because of the shortness of breath you had because of the crying.

“He stopped at Roanoke for...” and that's when you seemed to remember something.

Your eyes widened softly, your lips trembled, and you let out a stammering sigh as you try to remember something very important.

“What do you remember?” Spencer stroked your cheeks with his thumbs, trying to calm the beating of your heart that went back to being frantic and making you focus on the question, not the sea of ​​emotions you felt.

“He…” was when your eyes fluttered before meeting Reid's again. “He said he saw a woman on the news who was found dead. And ... and that he had to make sure of one thing ”

Rossi looked at Hotch, who gave an attentive and objective expression.

“Did he tell you why?” His eyes closed again and you sobbed. Reid moved closer, bringing your face back in his direction again “Look at me, Y/n.”

As soon as you did, he gave you a gentle smile, but contained all the pain in the world. He understood what you were felling.

“Why was he interested in the case?” He changed the question.

“I-it was something about...” you searched in your mind “Girl named Tara. I don’t know. He mentioned about a blue butterfly tattoo on her ankle as well, and that it was something to do with a… a case or something.”

“1978” Rossi interrupted and everyone looked at him “Gideon and I worked on a case in 1978, the suspect was never caught and Tara was a teenager who we thought had been kidnapped by him. The killer left dead birds in the hands of the victims ”

“But he didn't mention birds and...” That's when your eyes, fluttering, darted around the room and you stopped abruptly.

Spencer turned his attention to you again, seeing that you were staring somewhere. His hands slowly left your face and he asked:

“What?”

“The board.” You pointed to your father's board, which had a beautiful brown bird.

“Does say anything to you?” Rossi turned his attention to you.

You shook your head, your body too exhausted to go to the painting and examine it.

“He shot the board.” You looked at the agents “My father loved that painting, he never would have done that. Even though my father is stunned, he has the best aim I have ever seen.”

“The devil is in the details." Rossi went to the pinting and, after two seconds, turned to the team and said “I already know who did this.”

You let out a gigantic sigh of relief as the agents split up to continue the case, speaking so fast that you couldn't keep up.

“I helped?” You looked at Spencer, tears still shining in your eyes.

He smiled and nodded “Very.”

But when he got up, you took his hand, making Reid turn his attention back to you again, a questioning look on his face.

“You're going to get it, aren't you?” The sob invaded your voice "Promise me that you will catch him, Spen."

Reid took his hand in your, giving you a strong, comforting squeeze before saying:

"I will. I promise.”

And then he left, along with the other agents.

- - -

You thought you knew what pain was, the loss, the tightness in the heart. You thought that your many relationship breakdowns showed you what it was like to suffer. But you have never been so wrong. None of that compared to how you were now, to what you felt.

You would trade that feeling for anything in the world.

This was terrible. A cold, coercive, brutal and cruel feeling. As if you were at the bottom of a black ocean, unable to breathe, falling deeper and deeper, consumed by the overwhelming cold of the water.

It was impossible to say in words how you felt. But if it were you had to define it in one word you would say: pain. A pain that bends you, a pain that makes you want to scream, that pierces your lungs so that it is not possible to breathe, but that even so, you fight for air.

It was pain at its rawest, most brutal, sharp and atrocious like a dagger blade. You would go through Dante's hells for eternity instead of living one day with that pain.

Since Spencer and the agents went after the person in charge, you have sat on the steps of the front door, watching the nature, the shaking of the trees, but your attention was so far, far away. Perhaps unattainable.

Gideon always loved watching the seasons go by, and in that moment, you wondered if looking at the same thing he looked at every day would make you feel close to him. Feel with him. It had only been three days since you last saw him, when he picked you up at the airport, but you felt like you were past three lives. How would you go without it? How were you able to think of living without it?

You pulled your knees up against your chest, hugging your legs, the metallic, atrocious and icy taste of devastation stuck to yours in your mouth. The trees shook hard, forcing the birds to fly away, but you didn't feel cold. You were not feeling the cold breeze hit your body, nor were your muscles contracting in exhaustion from the hard wood of the steps you were sitting on.

The hunger, the cold, the heat or the craving could not reach you, as if the pain had paralyzed all your system. Probably your soul.

You didn't see when Stephen put father's blanket over your shoulders, nor did you hear his sobs for seeing you so devastated. But you smelled Gideon, and the warmth of the blanket was like having his arms around you again. Then the rest of the water in your body found its way to your eyes and crying was as automatic as breathing.

You were clinging to Spencer taking the son of a bitch who did it, trying to chase away any other thoughts that weren't about that. You didn't want to think about what would happen after he was caught. Which meant his capture for you. It would bring justice to Gideon, honoring his name, his life, but it wouldn't bring him back. What was taken from you would not be repaired, regardless of the end of that damned man.

When he was caught, you would have nothing else to focus on instead.

You don't know how long you stayed there. Hours? Days? The those peach and gold tones in the sky is from dusk or the dawn of a new day?

You had lost track of time, as if your watch had stopped since the time Gideon died.

The sound of cars on the road was the only thing that pulled you out of your fucking valley, and as soon as the black SUVs stopped, you stood up as if you had been waiting your whole life for that moment. The blanket fell from your shoulders, heart accelerated at an alarming rate, and for a second, everything was gone from your mind.

Rossi was the first to get out of the car, but yours eyes darted to Reid. You wanted to run, ask what had happened, listen to the answers. But you were paralyzed in place. Afraid of the truth, of reality.

What would become of you after that news?

Spencer came towards you without hesitation, and you couldn't take your eyes off him for a second. He didn't say anything, nor did he explain anything. It was not needed. The way he reached out his hand and placed your father's rings in your palm were enough answers.

Your whole body shook and you looked at Reid with more emotions than askers.

"He is dead." He told you, and it made you fall down again.

But this time you fell into his hugging, clinging to him in despair. There were many meanings in that embrace: gratitude, relief, fear, pain and grief. And Spencer hugged you back in the same way.

You two stayed that way for a while, even when the agents went to talk to Stephen, even when Garcia and JJ left the house, even when the cold wind hit you both.

“Thanks." You heard yourself say it, and Spencer shook his head, signaling that it wasn't necessary, and the two of you moved away.

So you went to Rossi, and hugged him too. In that second, Rossi could feel Gideon in that hug, and it took a second to not cry.

“Your father was a great man." He told you when the two of you walked away, and you agreed on a sad smile.

"He was." You looked down at the rings in your hand, staying a second there before turning to the agents and saying: “You guys are going to the funeral, aren't you? I ... my dad would like it w-very much.”

"Of course." Rossi guaranteed it.

As they walked away and went back to the car, heading for their own houses, your eyes met Spencer's and he whispered in the air to you:

“I will see you at the funeral."

You nodded, giving you a sad, grateful smile. And while everyone was leaving and you were looking at the rings in your hand again, you had a feeling that your story with Spencer had just started over.

A/n: I also lost a very important person to death, and for everyone who went through it too, I mean that no one is alone! My message box is open if you need anything! Love you❤️

Tagged @gublersuvula

@peculiarinsomniac

@measure-in-pain

@nobutalsoyes

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