#because they interfere with them too
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How I see the world since I watched Supernatural:
#my optician probably made a mistake when he made my glasses#or maybe those two idiots in love make me insane enough to do this kind of photo montage#insane show for insane people#and since I watched spn they blur my vision#they occupy all my thoughts#they have taken over my life#it has been more than a year#when I say destiel changed me#I'm not kidding#I chose to do this with glasses#because it's easier#but I guess it could also work with headphones#because they interfere with them too#because I also rediscovered all my playlists through them#destiel#deancas#dean winchester#castiel#destiel glasses#my personal experience with destiel
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On autonomy, and what it means to be Obliged to Help.
Bonus:
#a homestuck walks into an antechamber and asks#hey is anybody going to make this dynamic wholly deterministic and thus dubiously consensual by its very nature#ANYWAY bigger ramble below. scroll down like usual#isat spoilers#isat#isat fanart#isat siffrin#isat loop#sifloop#THATS RIGHT WE'RE STILL SHIP TAGGING IT BABYYYY#in stars and time#in stars and time fanart#lucabyteart#RAMBLE START: anyway i think loop is wrong here. they have it backwards. as-- in my opinion--#the main reason they could be called back into existence postcanon is because *their* wish for help is still not complete#they still need help. siffrin still needs help. neither of them will ever stop needing help.#they will thus uphold the wish until the end of siffrin's natural lifespan.#that said. what does it mean that loop can be so wholly forced to abide by siffrin's wants?#(assuming the dagger cutscene posession is them being forced to uphold the 'help siffrin' wish via harsh universe logic)#[as opposed to something capricious and cruel the change god did. which feels out of character for the change god to me?]#much like how the island wish and duplicate objects are neutered by simply sliding off people's brains...#is loop subtly ushered toward their wish? obviously it's not a full override (see: the bossfight). but is there any interference?#and if so. so what? does it matter? if they don't notice? is it even real if they don't notice?#and even if they do notice. the universe leads we follow. how much do either of them value their free will in a belief system like that?#the whole game is dedicated to siffrin habitually NOT excersizing his free will. doing things the same Every Time.#Loop ESPECIALLY does this. predetermined predetermined predetermined even in the FACE OF CHANGE. REFUSING. ANY CHOICE.#Maybe they'd even be comforted by having a universe-ordained purpose even if it is subservient. even if its to Him.#(though. i can't see siffrin enjoying the idea that someone is subservient TO them... then all their suffering is his fault...)#loop got into this mess via WANTING too much. no more free will. can't be trusted with it. take it away from them.#but yeah. gets my greasy detective pony hands all over this. and everyone please do remember i like to make characters Outright Wrong A Lot
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Insane to me that the fate of the entire mcu really did hinge entirely upon whether two fucked up old men could get along or not. Like there were villains and plots and stuff but seriously. It came down to whether captain America and iron man were willing to put aside their differences and stop having angry sloppy freaky sex with eachother for two minutes in order to actually communicate. And this was an integral plot device of multiple movies.
#Steve Rogers#tony stark#stevetony#ooooh time after time the writers and directors showed us that the avengers only work if they get on#I wonder what that could possibly implyâŚâŚ#(it implies they freak it with eachother regularly yet cannot get on because their souls are too intertwined#and so many cosmic wires have been crossed between them that thereâs too much interference#and they look at eachother and all they feel is STRONGLY#anyways#etc
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Belobog was my fave main quest but a lot of it is so. Contradictory. It's like they had multiple groups doing different shit and none of them checked in with each other for consistency. And you see this so much in Gepard's profile.
So in the main quest, they made him unfailingly, unquestionably loyal to Cocolia. Gepard's character arc is him learning to question authority etc etc. And this isn't even a bad thing; that's a story worth telling! It makes good conflict between him and Serval! And I love that we got Gepard as a boss battle and I get to see him all the time in SU!
But then you look at his character stories and it's like. The complete opposite.
According to his profile, Gepard has already HAD this awakening, long before the Astral Express, and he'd already decided Cocolia sucks. Even outside of his stories, there's a pretty damning readable between him and Pela.
He even disobeyed direct orders right in front of her- he has been disobeying orders for a while now!
So I've decided I'm marrying the two different sides of this into a 1.5k fic-ish thingy, because I think there's some fun potential there with Gepard not trusting Cocolia, but still having to pretend to be a good obedient little soldier.
Anyway. I love to think of it as like. Gepard knows Cocolia has sunk into her apathy. He can see it in her eyes every time he looks at her. She doesn't care. Not about him, not about Pela, not about all his soldiers on the frontlines giving their lives to protect the citizens. And that's... It makes him bristle a bit, but ok. Gepard can deal with this. Even if Cocolia no longer cares, as long as she does her job then it's fine. Having compassion behind an action doesn't matter as much as the action itself. If Cocolia's heart is no longer swayed, then he'll just have to care twice as hard to pick up the slack. He considers it part of his duty as a captain of the guard anyway. It's fine. Gepard can deal with it.
And then, Cocolia starts coming down to the restricted zone. Issuing direct orders.
And Gepard realizes he is in way over his head.
Because Cocolia orders him to stay back and issue commands from the ramparts, away from all his comrades, away from where he can protect them.
Gepard had thought nothing could be as bad as watching a fellow guard die right next to him. But the first time he watches someone struck by a killing blow, so far away, it hurts. Every defensive scar across his arms itches, his fingers curl in want of a weapon, the cold cannot numb his hands enough as they desperately ache for his shield. It hurts.
Gepard tries to find any reason to stay. Because surely... He knows Cocolia has lost her love for her people, but surely... She wouldn't...
One day, Cocolia orders for their gunners to advance 20 yards. There are no survivors. She almost looks like she smiles.
Gepard doesn't sleep that night.
Pela brings him the report at the end of the first month; and then the month after that, and the month after that. A significant uptick in losses, and all of it started on that first day Cocolia started overriding his authority and issuing her own orders. The ends of Gepard's pens have all been nearly chewed off. Pela outright calls Cocolia an idiot, and Gepard corrects her. Cocolia isn't an idiot. Gepard had known her through Serval, knew her through all her college years and then some, and he knows how intelligent she is. It's not that she's stupid, and it's not that she's inexperienced, it's nothing of the sort.
Cocolia knows exactly what she's doing.
She must, there's no way she could make such a horrible mess of things so badly by accident. And Pela, quick as a whip, sharp as a tack, always too smart for her own good, catches onto the meaning behind Gepard's correction without any further prompting. The tent goes deathly quiet, nothing but the wind howling outside.
"...She's trying to kill us," Pela whispers, her voice swiftly suffocated by the silence.
Gepard swallows. He can't bring himself to correct her this time. There is nothing he could say that he would actually mean.
His gaze drops, back down to his desk and the reports on it. The names aren't listed, just the numbers, but Gepard knows them, knew them, and there must be something wrong, something he's missing, because why, why would she-? What could this possibly accomplish-?
âGepard! Focus!â Something snaps right under his nose, and Gepard startles, eyes instantly honing in on Pela's irritated face as she leans over his desk. She holds his gaze for a moment before she huffs and begins to pace, wedges a knuckle between her teeth and bites like Gepard hasn't seen her do since cadet school.
Pela angrily strides from one end of his tent to the other, words hissed between her grit teeth. âWhat are we going to do?â In the dim lighting, Gepard can just barely see the damp spot of blood weeping under her gloves. âWe need a plan.â
âA plan?â
âWh- Yes, a plan! Unless you want more people to die!â Pela rounds on him then, all the wrath of a blizzard, winds roaring and snow sharp enough to cut.
âWe don't even know-â
âWhat does it matter?! She killed-!!â Pela cuts off with a garbled noise when Gepard leaps up from his desk, hastily shoves his hand over her mouth. The prosthetic, not the flesh one, because he knows better than to assume Pela won't seize the opportunity to leave teeth marks in his skin.
âYou're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry; you're right. But you need to keep quiet.â Pela quirks an eyebrow at him and Gepard can read the question in her face. âBecause we both saw what she did to Serval,â he hisses.
It's amazing the snow plains haven't thawed out yet, the amount of heat Pela can put behind a glare. The mere mention of Serval, and the smoking ruins Cocolia had made of her life and career, have her bristling up like a riled cat. The sudden hot breath she takes fans fog across his metal skin, and Gepard wisely keeps it in place until Pela finally sighs and reaches up, taps her fingertips against the back of his hand.
The second she's free, Pela bats him away and then her knuckle is right back between her teeth again, Gepard leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed to watch her resume her pacing. âIf we spread the word, she'll have us discharged and make sure we can't even touch the frontlines,â Pela's voice seethes like an open sore. Gepard nods but keeps his silence. He knows better than to get in her way.
âAnd if you and I are both out of the picture, Belobog is fucked.â A little harsher than how he would have put it, but there's no denying that they're both important to the city's survival. Pela has the restricted zone running as efficiently as ever, and Gepard had become the youngest captain on record for a reason. âWe need to keep this tight under wraps, at least for now⌠It can't leak to anyone higher up the chain.â Another nod. âServal might know other discontentsâŚâ Another n-
Gepard's head snaps up. âNo.â
âNo what?â
âNo. We're not involving Serval in this.â
Somehow, even the same tone that leaves entire squadrons shaking in their boots has never worked on her. âYou're not deciding that for her, Gepard.â
Pela hadn't seen the worst of it, though, back when his sister had just been banned from the Architects. Serval's pride hadn't allowed it. Pela wasn't the one to find her passed out bottle still in hand, hadn't been the one to wash the sick out of her hair or carry her to bed.Â
Serval still has trouble thinking clearly when it comes to Cocolia, still can't quite bring herself to be objective. And Gepard maybe doesn't want her to be purely objective- but he would worry a lot less if she thought twice before she acted more often.
âAt least let me be the one to bring it up to her.â
âWhatever, fine,â Pela gestures affirmatively at him as she paces past, and Gepard sighs. Good, at least that's one thing he can help.
From there, it's a lot of hemming and hawing and frustration. Cocolia has them under her boot, and Gepard and Pela both know it. Even with the way she's been cracking down on freedoms lately, Cocolia is still, overall, liked by the people. It's unlikely anyone would believe them. They don't even have solid proof, because most people don't know Cocolia as well as they do and won't see the clues in the same light.Â
The Fragmentum has been ramping up in recent years, too. Everyone is struggling just to survive as is, they can't afford a fight on two fronts. Gepard is a damn good captain, one of the best for that matter. But they're at a massive disadvantage, his experience is narrowed to fighting a defensive battle against monsters, that's all he's ever done. That's all anyone there has ever done. He has no way of finding first-hand knowledge for taking the offensive against a human opponent, and if he goes at this blind, there's no way he'll get everyone out unscathed. He's going to lose people. He's going to lose a lot of people.
He'd never thought before that Cocolia would have it in her to have someone killed. And with this new knowledge, he has no guarantee she won't go after Serval or Lynx if she decides to retaliate.
Gepard has to remind himself to breathe when he realizes this.
Pela writes down every name the two of them can come up with. Lists and lists of names and groups and anyone they can think of who might be an ally in all of this. They memorize every bit of it, make their plans of who to talk to and when. Gepard watches the sparks reflect off Pela's glasses as they burn the evidence together.
Pela finally leaves, far too late to make it home, but says she wants to stay in the restricted zone anyway to investigate. Gepard watches her make her way in the direction of Dunn's tent, watches her back until she's out of his sight and squashes down the urge to follow and keep an eye on her. His tent feels empty.
In the morning, Gepard is up before the wake up bells. He drags himself out of bed, leads his soldiers through their morning training. The same people gravitate to each other everyday. Friend groups and training partners. There's an ongoing rivalry between a few squadrons that everyone bets on. Some of them have lockets around their necks, keepsakes, mementos. Some of them wear wedding rings.
Gepard is suddenly, painfully aware of something acidic clawing at the inside of his throat, of a heavy weight low in his chest that blooms, takes up room until it threatens to spread his ribs. His mouth tastes of bile and blood.
He rearranges the schedules. Puts himself down for every open patrol into the Fragmentum, makes sure he'll be on the frontlines every single time Cocolia visits.
He only hopes that it's enough.
#honkai star rail#gepard landau#hsr gepard#pelageya sergeyevna#hsr pela#hsr#smacking Gepard out of Hoyo's hands and running off with him skzjmdkd#tentatively Figuring Out how to write these two... It feels a little tricky starting out with extreme circumstances like this haha#I feel like a lot of people see Gepard as naive for trusting Cocolia so much but I don't think that's quite it. He's not stupid.#He's not even naive.#He's someone who has been groomed since birth by his own parents to be an obedient Guard and nothing outside of that role.#You are not immune to propaganda etc etc#But even then there are a lot of things like all the included screenshots where he. Doesn't actually seem to like/trust Cocolia much.#I think Serval was a really good influence on him as a kid. He might have turned out much much worse without her.#and even with how I've written him here. I don't think he's normally slow to act or one to stand aside and make other people lead.#it's just that this specifically was a pretty extreme circumstance for him.#and also he openly states elsewhere that Pela is overbearing and he tries not to interfere with her work whenever possible nskzhdjdjd#Pela too. I don't know that I normally see her as someone with a bad temper or quick to anger.#But again; extreme circumstances haha#Bc like. they both would have seen what happened to Serval when she stood up to Cocolia. they know damn well what's going to happen to them.#if they fuck this up and get caught then they're done.#and I mean. What are they supposed to do? they're two people against the highest authority of the entire nation.#regardless I do love Gepard agonizing over this in the future after Bronya takes over and everything has settled down#did he do the right thing? did he make the right choice? if he went vigilante how many soldiers would have died without his protection?#would Belobog have fallen completely? how many people died because he DIDN'T run away? was it actually enough?#I love characters forced between a rock and a hard place. no good options. pick your poison.#no winning- only weighing what you can and cannot bear to lose.#make your choice and decide whether you want to rot or to burn.
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They would be so insufferable once they got together Iâm telling you right now
Request by @molten-rainbows!đâ¨â¨
Uni-fying the requests because.
#worst double date ever when those guys keep getting denied access to many places for a second ride#for context! they arenât the biggest fans of pda actually#they got lost inside the haunted house that also worked like a maze of the sorts. Meryl and Milly got out first and waited for them to#come out. but they never did. Meryl asked for security to look for them and they were caught in a place they shouldnât be at#when asked abt the hickeys. they say they were hiding from someone who was chasing them. Vash covered WW mouth and he bit his palm#so Vash bit his hand in return. and bc theyâre losers they kept going until things started to escalate and well#things ended up like that. and now they canât get into the haunted house again.#Meryl considers not letting them be too far away from their line of sight because they are bastards separately and how together they are#somehow even worse. Milly wonât really interfere but would stop them if they start anything in public#which they wouldnât. but they all know that would be a consequence#I cant for the love of me draw with at least a little bit of context behind it even if itâs just three panels OQJWK#without AA i make so many mistakes but whatever#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#vashwood#vash#wolfwood#nicholas trigun#trigun fanart#meryl stryfe#milly thompson#millymeryl#the girls finally OQNWM#lenssi draws#Trigun Uni! AU#take the color palette as a grain of salt I have zero consistency. also the style I guess
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I just noticed Mephisto matches with Barbatos (who is matchy with Diavolo) in the anniversary outfits in his SSR memory card
These three were also the only three who had half masks in the masquerade event!!!
Anyway, The Royals with Mephisto chat group when? We got one for Purgatory Hall with Raphael..... it's just fair !!
And one for Mephisto and Diavolo as well, but also one for Mephisto and Barbatos too. because you can't tell me their relationship isn't deeper than the devs portray when Mephisto has lines like this about Barbatos's room:
#also obviously chat groups like thirteen + solomon or thirteen + barbatos (+ solomon) as well!!!#but i was pointing this out teehee#..........................Anyway I feel like if I were going to make a meta post about Barbatos at this point#it would definitely involve his biggest flaw being his past self-isolation#+ diavolo being the one to break it (and later mc) means he prioritizes diavolo(+mc) over everything/one else#and it's very clear he has difficulty getting close to people#i usually think it's funny tbh#but i think the context it makes me the saddest in where i'm like... momma go to therapy....#is the obvious distance between him and mephisto despite being around as an adult in both his + diavolo's childhoods#while mephisto was being groomed to be diavolo's protector or whatever#i just feel like there's so much room to develop these threes' relationships#but the devs just don't want to do it because it interferes with the brothers getting all the screen time for no reason#+ how they only seem to want to make jokes about mephisto and diavolo's relationship 90% of the time#also just saying..... this being a flaw of barbatos's is also a reason i want him to interact with thirteen more#+ to know more about their relationship#because frankly she is a LOT like that too what with how she opens up exclusively to mc#......................... sowwy about the tag rant#i am simply cherishing and holding them autism style.#obey me barbatos#obey me mephistopheles#obey me diavolo#obey me#obey me nightbringer#obey me shall we date
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huntclaire divorce au. everything is exactly the same but wait i was going to make a joke here but iâm actually very invested in this
#just imagine how WEIRDER theyâd be about each other. this is crazy#i need them to divorce and then hunt makes a movie immediately after and he casts claire as the lead. and the movie is weirdly personal#and everyone in the cast is like. is this movie about the divorce. no it is not. but yes it also is. hunt and claire are unaware#there's a brazilian director who divorced his wife and then cast her in his next movie andthe movie is the greatest love letter ever.to her#this is what i'm aiming for here. do you see my vision? okay so they argue all the time on set. she does NOT follow his direction#this is why i divorced you by the way you were always like. saying stuff. you're always saying stuff! you're annoying and pathetic and stup#they cannot even be NEAR each other. need to talk to either of them? do not do it while the other oneis in the room.they WILL make it weird#they will start bickering and they will forget about you i am so sorry. if they try to be civil it's like. this was so thoughtful of you!#i wish SOME PEOPLE were like this. i was actually very thoughtful you were the one who was always demanding attentionWHATof COURse I WAS!?#hunt keeps his wedding ring in his side pocket. claire loves calling him her stupid ex husband. ew my wretched ex husband.#whole time they can't keep their hands off each other. which could mean anything#why did they get divorced? no one has any idea. no one knows anything about these two actually. why would he cast her. why would they marry#why are they torturing everyone. is this like A Thing to them. yes. claire gives him cold coffee every time and he drinks it every time jus#so she doesn't get the satisfaction. also you should NOT interfere if they're arguing because then it's going to be YOUR FAULT#you may ask. hsslilly! what's the difference between this and canon huntclaire. well they're actually divorced here. see.#this means something to me. and to them too. plus they actually mean this on some level. normal huntclaire are doing a very convoluted bit#here claire would choke hunt with his tie if given the chance. and then they would make out. this happened like twice.#okay i'll stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#huntclaire#wait the blood necklace should still exist in this au
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Me and my freaking ship charts for my freaky mind
#I'm gonna rant about them in the tags a lil bit so bear with me#I really like the idea of them taking turns âspooningâ each other (or just one laying on top of the other idk)#bc they listen to each others' heartbeats since Lisa's dying lmao#and idk where losa being taller came from#but her canon height says she's 5'11 and i believe it honestly#and kind of the same thing with her being trans; i just think it's a neat character study#especially since we dont know anything about her past or who she was before the game's events#and i didnt rly know how to mark Jean's flirtiness levels because Jean flirtation is VERY different from Lisa flirtation#hers is much more unintentional or very charming like a kiss to the back of Lisa's hand or dancing her around her office when it's late#and she speaks formally too which adds to the unintentional rizz#Lisa cant help but fall for her fr#and i think they are the embodiment of the âfell first fell harderâ trope#Lisa falls first and she's content to watch Jean from afar bc she knows how important her job and Mond are to her#and then Jean finally catches up tripping falling bleeding all over ripping her heart out to show Lisa how it beats for her#altho i think it was hard for her to come to terms with it especially since she doesnt want her personal life to interfere with work#so she has to find the balance first#and Jean also knows that being flirty is just who Lisa is and that they are both extremely loyal to each other#but Lisa gets pushed a lot probably when other women start hitting on Jean a little too much#and they're both equally overprotective of each other especially out on dangerous missions#but Lisa feels like she HAS to protect Jean more bc of her importance to the safety of Mond#this is just me rambling tho im literally so in love with them bc theyre just so soft and the wives ever#i am the most sane jeanlisa shipper actually#ty for coming to my ted talk#jean gunnhildr#lisa mici#jeanlisa#genshin impact#ship chart#character art is mine
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Some doodles of Draxum being the disaster mad scientist he is.
(featuring ocs that I might never draw again lol)
#rottmnt#rottmnt au#minor interference au#rottmnt baron draxum#rottmnt oc#oc art#rise of the tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt fanart#my art#i decided to try a new artstyle for this#i call it 'these are just gonna look bad because i don't wanna put too much time into them' lol#frigga oc#jember oc#buana oc#...yeah i forgot to draw his stripes for this rip
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haunted once more by a dumb character idea
#tma guy. anatomy student turned archives assistant (sent as the most unsubtle spy possible on nikolas orders. elias finds it all very--#--funny adn their constant misery in the eyes sanctum is a sweet boon) who slowly tears themself apart under such a restrictive existence#the best they can get while still having to have a Singular Identity for the time is subtle appearance changes (eyes colors--#--changing. minute tweaks to features. a new nail length / polish each day. the most drastic they can get Appearance wise is--#--hair bc wigs exist as an explanation for why theyre walking in the building w a buzzcut one day and braids the next) and lying constantly#--abt their life outside of the job (a constantly rotating cast of characters who Never have the same characteristics as the last time--#--they mentioned them. a husband a boyfriend two daughters a mother a cousin from out of town a brother who moved to america etc etc). at--#--one point (after sasha gets Not Them-ed ? lot of tension between the two strangers bc of the assistants non-interference stance--#--that had the not them stuck in the table just a bit longer) they have a complete breakdown in front of martin bc of the stress and--#--babble abt how every single member of their family expects too much and has left them for dead and how they want to go HOME#tim runs into them at the club one night while theyre playing the part of a COMPLETELY different person and it is a very strange--#--time. a stranger wearing a party city mask of your coworker#the tma timeline has faded a bit from my head but i like the idea of them somehow weaseling their way into survival even after the--#--not them is entombed by leitner. they signed the contract so they cannot abandon ship the circus has stopped responding to their--#--messages and elias makes a point to swing by and just Watch them regularly while the archives fights to not collapse in on itself#like the name jane for them. jane doe and Also a cute bit of name sharing w jane pretniss lol#a little less certain abt this but also like the idea that when the pressure is REALLY bad but b4 the not them disaster the assistant--#--would ask the rest of the archives staff to call them by a different name w no explanation just to be able to shake off the fetter of--#--a Set Name for a day. its a different name every time and the running theory w everyone is that it is either a trans thing or a very--#--convoluted joke. the second time they do this sasha ends up getting them a label maker + two of those 'HELLO MY NAME IS' name--#--tags. one for 'jane' and one for any different name they choose that day. a genuine + caring gesture that absolutely devastates the--#--assistant because now they are BRANDED with a name
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the last time i felt emotionally fulfilled in a friendship was when i was 15, and before that when i was 13. im turning 21 next month
#my current close friends are really great but my depression gets in the way and it's really hard to tell them about my feelings lol#so i basically make my chronic loneliness worse by distancing myself and isolating etc#they still like me though... weirdly#well probably bc we're all mentally and emotionally unwell! we get one another's issues#but i cant bring myself to say a lot of things i would otherwise want to... since i feel so misunderstood#even when i have tried to talk about things they just dont process them the way im hoping they will#and it's not their fault!!! it's my fault for expecting someone to understand exactly what im saying when i say it#i almost always find words for things. i describe them in detail. and i think thats where things get too unique and too confusing actually#so they cant personally understand#like i said. not their fault!#i just miss this one friend i had briefly in 8th grade#i was getting outcasted from everyone in my own class. she was in the classroom next door#i don't remember how we crossed paths but we did and she was so smart and so understanding#and we just clicked#i remember running in a field with her. she was so.. everything#i miss her#and when i was 15 i remember talking about all of my mental issues with this classmate and we immediately saw each other as mirror images#it was crazy... we also had a lot of interests in common and we looked out for each other#she's doing a lot better nowadays which is why we're no longer in contact probably#it's hard to be friends when one of you is stuck in one place so i dont really blame her#we drifted apart anyway. i bet if i asked she'd still make time for me a few times a year#i just didnt ask because it felt like the mutual understanding we had ended#shes a different person now. and for the better too! i shouldn't interfere in her happiness#z.post
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fiance got me a kindle for my birthday <3
#val comes out of hiding#with a case and a grip strap (that interferes a little with the case but i'm making it work lol)#it'll be great for my arthritic sad poor hands lmao#and i can download ebooks to it! including fic <3#so like i have backup copies of my bookmarks and i threw them all on there#and threw one I planned to read on there too which i rb'd a few mins ago#it's great because we tend to be into those huge fantasy novels that I 0% can hold and take up a shit ton of space#like bringing brando sando books with me while traveling has been a PAIN lmao#now all i need is a battery pack to make sure it doesn't die. which is its own downside of course#and it means I can pirate so many ebooks. my god so many.#anyway to start with i think i'm gonna go back thru and re-read all my bookmarked fics i haven't read in a while#i'm quite stingy about bookmarks so they're all good (tho i have a soft spot for fluff in hindsight lol)#maybe i'll make a detailed rec post when i'm done?#in regards to fic too though I need to reach out to someone and say sorry for not being a very responsible beta.you know who you are.sorry:#but tangentially related; last night I had one of those core memory moments#it was bed time and fiance was snoozing half-asleep and i was reading fic on the kindle which works great in the dark btw. so dim#and i got up maybe 3 times in 30 mins or so go to the bathroom; get shit i forgot in the other room; etc etc#he's a light sleeper so he tends to wake up a lil#at some point he swapped our body pillows. i have no idea which time i got up it was. i didn't even notice for so long#i use a regular pillow and he has a longer actual body pillow so it was very obvious in hindsight#he loves to mess with me like that. little things make me laugh etc. and in the moment i realised i was just so happy#i'm here in this comfy bed with the man i love reading great fic with the gift he just got me and he's half-asleep and still trying to make#me laugh. and i laugh and laugh and laugh for like 5 mins because i'm so unobservant i didn't even notice it's not my pillow#and not even in a mean way. he loves that about me because he loves me. and he is just so good. so good.#and i was reading a fic about finding someone in any world. i would find him in any world. i would#and i just said 'i love you' and he cuddled into me and went to sleep.#<33333333333333333
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holy shit I hate the rules and politics within the community services industry
#getting the third degree because I helped up a client#and they asked if I used strength and I was like... yeah I guess a bit? idk#tell me i should call an ambulance... ok#then you guys would be on my case for overblowing a situation and wasting resources or whatever#i also had to arrange a pickup yesterday because there was a staffing issue. trust me.#and i got shit for that too!! because they view it as me doing whatever i want#man i'm trying to make things easier for everyone#idk if previous makes entire sense. basically a last minute shift got assigned that clashed. that service leader was all Well that's#rostering's problem* when I said how it interferes with like three other clients#rostering is understandably panicking when i ca the.#them** so i'm like Look do you want me to call the wife of the client so we can arrange something etc etc#mind you this was all at the end of the day yesterday. i think around when the managers knock off and two hours before rostering#so i wanted to help with the scramble it caused. which technically meant i was overstepping my role... but who else is going to do it lol?#do you guys want someone less capable? are you intimidated by me or something?#then ofc i have a hard time explaining when work tries to do that thing they do where they catch you on technicals#therefore making it hard for you to explain or trust them. whatever man
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I came on here to make a different post initially and I may still make that post in the tags but now the main body of this post is gunna be about how weird it is that of all the things I have come on here to Repeatedly Gripe about like some big sad lump I am regularly embarrassed and ashamed to write posts about me wanting a relationship and the troubles my mind has about it? Like it's not Less personal than me writing about any other issue I am dealing with but somehow it Feels Different and I keep shying away from it and it's really backing things up in the ol' noggin, which isn't Great
#monster noises#anyway#here in the quiet privacy of the Tags I will say#I am worried that I won't be able to initiate or maintain a relationship until I fucking Deal With Some Things#Primarily surrounding complexes I have about the people in my life sharing or not sharing my interests#that make it very difficult for me to draw the line between#'it's okay that I like this and you don't and vice versa'#and 'If we don't agree on this then deals off we won't work'#my whole life has been me Not Quiet fitting in in places I Fit In#so to speak..#and having differing interests even from my closest friends that either get made fun of#though not true nowadays#I have better friends#or simply like.. we can't even enjoy them together casually because they are That radically different#and even probably freak the other person out#and it's really isolating!! for a lot of other reasons involving my social challenges!#and I find myself on Apps and such and in person even too#reflexively writing people off on things that like.. are probably fine#but I don't have a good concept of what Probably Fine actually is??? so like???? ah????#and I am afeared that this is going to just.. constantly interfere with me even getting of the Ground#and I will be stuck single until I can fucking untangle this knot#but like Cool Rad Cool#Who Wants To Pay For My Therapist For That Or Am I Just Fucked Forever Basically#I Feeeeeeel like actually getting to be in a relationship might help me navigate this because I'm flying a Bit blind here#but you can kinda#see the paradox with That idea already#so like Whomp Whomp
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i hate being fine all day & then all of a sudden feeling miserable
#what the fuck am i doing with my life lol#it doesnt make me want to d*e but it makes me feel so fucking heavy#like im just not doing what im supposed to be doing. my peers are still ahead of me despite the fact that im 22#i cant drive yet i dont live on my own i dont work right now theres so much i dont know how to do and its overwhelming#i feel like ill never catch up because im sitting here constantly fucked up abt what was happening to me 10 years ago#it makes me want to fucking cry and im so tired of feeling like that so often#it never truly ends#milo murmurs#csa vent#i get angry too bc i know none of my abusers regret what they did to me#it doesnt keep them awake at night. it doesnt pop into their mind randomly. it doesnt interfere w their daily life#it didnt give them chronic fucking pain!!!!!#but at the end of the day im just sad im like this bc i dont know how to fix it
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Against my better judgement Iâve acquired two new books from Ollieâs: Coriolanus by William Shakespeare and Empire Games by Charles Stross (which I didnât know was a series when I got it lol whoopsie⌠I usually donât read series; but this is classic-style dystopian sci-fi with time travel so itâs a little different).
#Iâm a little over halfway through Time Jump by John Brunner and the consumer report parts get me every time đ#He has normal short stories in there; interrupted by consumer reports on time machines and wishing machines#The whole thing is basically one extremely well-executed and beautifully written shitpost. Top-tier.#About every ten to twenty minutes Iâm doubled over with laughter over something this guy wrote#I had no idea it was a comedy going into it but holy shit itâs wonderful#The longer you keep reading certain parts the funnier it gets because he has such a dry and pedantic voice#but heâs describing the most outrageous events in that dry and pedantic voice#Iâve had to put the book down on numerous occasions because I was laughing too hard to continue#I am not to be trusted at Ollieâs. I always forget about the giant book section and I get lost in there for 20â30 minutes#I found Beautiful Oops and Midnight at the Tuscany Hotel there#and also a calligraphy book and a bread book and a soup book when I was younger#Iâve been hoarding books since I was a little kid#I like carrying them around the house with me#I donât even read them half the time; I just like to hold them and reading interferes with holding them#They have The Fox comics there but I donât dare get those with either of my parents present#because theyâre quite gory#I hate the stickers so much though. You can never get them completely off
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