#because their connection isnt really one maintained by choice so much as by a feeling of necessity.

[lavenderteacat]

I am. thinking about the parallels between [Vash and Knives] and [Coronabeth and Ianthe], they are sooooo fucked up and crunchy oh my god. what if you had a twin and they did the most horrible god-awful thing you can think of - no, worse than that - and you still love them and they love you. but now (because of the thing they did, the thing that they would do again in a heartbeat) you're both profoundly isolated from the world around you and have only each other for support and understanding.

Do you accept that support, and those actions - that path of destruction - along with it? Do you deny it, keeping your personal values intact but denying yourself all meaningful connection (because you won't let yourself Talk About It with anyone who isn't them, either) in the process? But the thing is that neither of these options is actually all that much better than the other, because either way you end up with the world's most fucked up intense no-one-will-ever-understand-you-like-I-understand-you, borderline-incestuous sibling relationship ever and it's just so *starts biting drywall*!!!!!!!!! They're so fucked up and I want to study them under a microscope!!!!!!!!!!

[mooshako]

telling my truth. jk.

ok, sometimes its so stupid to think about my whole senior high school experience without sounding like im "hating" or "blaming" other people because of the narrative that i have. it's frustrating because it just shows how some people are so dense about how they affected others; in this case, me.

like, COME ON—honestly, how do u expect me to just move on from shit when i felt so shitty for the longest time and i feel like, even now, i haven't been disconnected from the issues from those years.

I have made mistakes, admittedly so. i also wasn't the perfect student, friend, nor an acquaintance. but was it really necessary for it to be so dramatic? i had friendships that felt like i was maintaining a toxic relationship, so much so that my responsibilities were as if like i was their romantic partner. which was, oh my fucking god, so fucking annoying. IMAGINE- JUST IMAGINE- i have a VERY healthy and awesome friendship with my best friend (whom i consider my sibling at this point and my platonic soulmate), and its not even a tad bit high maintenance. imagine how it felt maintaining a friendship that was pushing me off the edge, forcing me to cater to their needs because for them, it is considered my responsibility as their friend. i have put this in the most vague way but, isnt that shitty? isnt that such a shitty thing to do?

now, dont get wrong. i liked them. i liked moments with them, but boy, do i hated some of it. as clichè as it sounds, it made me realize who was a "real" friend and who is not. "real" friend, meaning a person whom i am comfortable with and also having them comfortable with me whatever my mood was. and i was grateful for it. but goddamn, the drama was so unnecessary, i lost interest in trying to get the best out of everyday. my world was more quiet tho, when i cut off some of our connections, and i think its better that way and even now- boundaries are set, lesser fucks are given from me, responsibilities are no longer expected because i didnt keep up with their pace anymore. and for me, THATS AMAZINGLY FREEING.

its just so sad that this is just a quarter of how my senior high school experience went. i mainly focused on how i felt, emotionally. but yeah, it was also one of the worst mental state i was in. anyway! i never wanted pity or anyone to feel sorry about me, because this happens to everyone too, but idk really. i just hope people can be more aware of other people. be more specific in what you want, and not make it your friends' responsibilities to make it work for you. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY. NOT YOUR PARTNER'S, NOT YOUR FRIENDS', NOT YOUR FAMILY'S. dont expect anyone else to make you happy; use them to make u happy, sure. but not in a way that you're going to be disappointed just because they can't make you happy when you want to. that is just unfair, cruel, and downright fucking stupid of you.

but okay, footnote i guess?

i mean, its so vague but i think the people im talking about can see it. and if you guys are reading this, i just wished you apologized. i just wished you guys cared about me the way i cared about you. nonetheless, it has been great—the first months, it really was. but i... dont want to be close to you guys anymore. and it was already done, and you guys didn't care. at all. were you dense? maybe. did you guys ignore me? probably. but now, i dont really care anymore. because even if you are now aware of it, it's now your choice if it's your problem or not. what im definitely sure of, is that it's definitely not mine anymore.

i'm more strict about my boundaries now, i guess i let myself loose too much that time. silly me, eh?

[popatochisssp]

So your recent chapter in snips and snails has had me thinking. How would other skellies react if their bro started falling for their SO? Would they all be up for polyamory or would some tell their bro to get over it, or they break up with SO as to push them toward their brother. This information is important for my daydreaming

Anonymous: Heyo! Are you doing hc’s right now? If so, what are your ideas for a polyamorous relationship with sans/so/papyrus? I know you mentioned it with FGTC, but how would the other boys do? Thank you and ilysm!!             

Well, the short version of these questions seems to be– “Can I make it work if I want to smooch both brothers?”

And the answer to that question as far as I’m concerned is yes! Ultimately, all skeles would be down for this kind of relationship!

…But some of them are going to have an easier road than others.

Yes, it’s the ‘fells that are on the Struggle Bus, of course it is, those boys have issues.

Undertale:

They’re a great combo!

They already know each other so well and love/respect one another that looping you into their relationship as a romantic branch is the easiest thing in the world.

They both balance the other out really well, to the point that dating them both might even make for a more harmonious relationship than choosing just one: Papyrus won’t shy away from lecturing Sans when his laziness may be letting you down, and Sans knows how to gently point out when Papyrus might be unintentionally talking over you or pushing too hard at something.

There’s no jealousy between them and you’re all grown, mature adults more than capable of navigating a three-person relationship.

Underswap:

Another great choice!

Much like the classic Sans-Papyrus pair, the Sky-Paps match-up isn’t just functional, it’s hyper-functional.

Their brotherly relationship is strong and they’re great at meeting and handling situations as a team, and you’re no different. Most of your time with them will be spent as a trio rather than duos with an odd man out since that’s what they do anyway– you’re just along for the ride! When one-on-one time does come around, they’ll pass you off to the other without hesitation, no jealousy to be found and just a nuzzle on your cheek and an encouragement to have fun.

Even the usually clingy Sky doesn’t mind giving you and Paps space when you want it since there’s no one he trusts and loves more than his (big) little brother, and Paps might actually feel a little more driven to impress and woo you when he sees the lengths Sky regularly goes to. Maybe he can’t one-up his big brother’s efforts, but it reminds him that you’re special and deserving of the attention and he’ll show you so in his own, more understated way.

They balance each other out in so many ways that it won’t ever feel like you’re trying to juggle them to make things work. As long as you love them, they’ll love you right back and your relationship is practically self-sustaining!

Underfell:

You must not be shy of challenges, because you’ve gotten yourself into some rocky waters with this one.

They’ll both agree to this pretty quickly without much fuss– sharing a datemate with their brother, the only person who always had their back underground and would die for them, and vice versa? Of course, there’s no one they’d rather trust you with than their own brother!

They say that, and for the most part they do mean it, but… there are some very well-buried landmines here and you will find at least one of them in the course of this relationship.

For Jasper, it’s bitterness: here’s yet another thing in his life that he’s giving up for his brother’s sake. It’s not Pyre he resents but the situation and how exceedingly unfair the circumstances of his life have been so far. He lost his childhood to raising and protecting Pyre while he was young, and then he had to play his toady and listen to barked orders and snapped insults so Pyre could maintain a fearsome reputation and neither of them would get too severely messed with. And then now here’s this, a datemate he can’t even keep all to himself because you love his baby brother, too. It stings, but he’ll try to quash it down since he loves you and Pyre too deeply to ever want to cause problems for you.

Meanwhile Pyre is masking his own issues, namely jealous insecurity. He loves Jasper, too, and he deeply respects the sacrifices his big brother made for him Underground both in adolescence and adulthood, but…well, it’s not as if he had it easy! Jasper’s initially low HP meant that no matter how strong a fighter he was, there’d always be somebody who saw him as easy EXP, somebody trying to kill them both because they could– that was why he worked his way up to Captain of the Royal Guard and trained so hard to become an efficient, deadly soldier, so that he could be intimidating enough that most monsters wouldn’t even want to try attacking him or somebody under his command. That’s why he had to distance himself from everyone else, even the brother he was trying to protect, just in case someone tried to take advantage of a social connection. He was completely emotionally isolated for a long time, with a lot weighing on his shoulders: his duties, his brother’s safety, his own safety, and Jasper…

Jasper didn’t have to shoulder any of that once Pyre took responsibility.

Pyre knows, intellectually, that Jasper suffered at least as bad for a long time, but emotionally it hurt and made Pyre a little angry to see him socializing freely with the lowlifes at Grillby’s and sleeping openly at his illegal hot-dog stands. Jasper couldn’t have been totally carefree, no one could be underground, but he had the luxury of being very close to it thanks to Pyre’s status, which Pyre maintained at his own expense. And now, it feels like Jasper is taking advantage of him again, casually charming his way into your good graces and seducing you away from him.

He’s fairly certain he’s going to lose you, actually, since he knows that his older brother is the more personable of the two of them and he hates the waiting, he kinda wants to just end it himself and let Jasper have you…

But, same as Jasper, Pyre loves both of you dearly and he knows that abruptly breaking up with you would hurt you, and that Jasper would figure out why he did it and be even more hurt plus guilty over it, so he bites his tongue.

They’re both going to stew in silence over it and are fully committed to doing so for the rest of your natural lives– you’re going to have to mediate this if you want to have any hope of a healthy relationship.

It won’t be too hard to figure out what’s going on with them individually, they’re both very salty skeletons that can mostly keep quiet about the things bugging them, but there’s a lot of snide and bitter quips muttered under their breath that you’re usually close enough to hear and draw conclusions from. At that point, you need to sit down with them and force a discussion; play whatever hard-ball you must to get them to talk, this is too important to sweep under the rug just because it’s awkward and painful.

They’ll be stilted at first and need a lot of prodding to keep going, embarrassed that their datemate is playing counselor for them, but soon enough they’ll start talking on their own. Yelling on their own. Screaming at each other and breaking shit on their own.

They’ve been repressing a lot of emotions for a long time and now that they’re flowing it’s like a tsunami, one you should probably get out of the splash zone of while they get it all out.

You don’t have to worry about them actually hurting each other, there’s far too much love between them for that and once the anger and bitterness is out there in the open, they realize that, too. There’s gonna be tears and broken sobs and fierce hugging and that’s your cue to get back on in there and take care of your boys– they love each other, they love you, and you love them right back, it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Once the dust is settled, you’re theirs for life, no take-backs. You came into their home, showed them love and affection, and helped them get their brother back after years of tension and walking on eggshells: if you think they’re ever going to let you go now, you’re dead-wrong.

There’s going to be days when you almost regret emotionally reconciling them because when they’re not bickering over petty nonsense or competing with each other, they are the most terrifyingly efficient team you’ve ever seen. They’ll casually join forces against you whenever it suits them and you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. They love and respect you of course, they’d never hurt or take advantage of you, but the combined force of Jasper’s rough charm and Pyre’s slick cunning means that you’re not often going to find yourself ‘winning’ in your relationship.

On the bright side, your romantic life is positively scorching between these two fiery personalities and the loving passion they have for you is more than enough of a balm on any wounds you might take to your pride. ;3

Swapfell:

Deceptively easy.

At first, they’re both very excited and on-board for this. As far as they’re concerned, there’s no one better in the world to share their datemate with than their own brother, someone trustworthy that they love unconditionally and don’t have to worry about losing you to, since they obviously wouldn’t try to steal you from each other.

And that’s true, because if there’s a problem it won’t be something they did, it’ll be what you did. Or maybe more accurately, what you didn’t do.

There’s really only one way to screw this up, but it’s a hard and fast death sentence for the relationship if you start neglecting Rus or playing favorites with Mal instead.

Rus is a needy guy, not too prone to jealousy but very prone to insecurity when the conditions are right, and Mal is one of the hardest (albeit unintentional) hitter of those buttons. His big brother, the one who’s taken care of him his whole life, protected him and sacrificed for him, Rus thinks Mal is a really cool guy. He’s not surprised at all that you want to date him, but he is surprised that you want to date Mal’s living disaster of a brother, too.

If you’re not careful and spend too much time with Mal or side with him all the time or do anything that could indicate you have a significant preference for one brother over the other, Rus is probably gonna jump to some conclusions and now it makes sense to him why you’re not just dating his brother– it’s ‘cause it’s a pity thing…isn’t it?

Mal is the one you really want  but you or Mal or maybe both of you noticed his pathetic interest in you and decided to toss him a bone. To make him feel better. Yaaaay.

His aversion to conflict means that he’s definitely never going to say anything to either of you, ever, but his 'realization’ (whether it’s true or not, almost certainly not) is painful and he won’t be able to help sulking and shying away from your affection for awhile.

That, for Mal, is as good as an actual, physical red flag. He’s sharp and knows his brother well enough to piece together everything that’s happened in Rus’ self-deprecating skull and as far as he’s concerned, there’s only one course of action from here: he’s gonna try to wriggle himself out of the relationship entirely and push you towards Rus.

Mal loves his baby brother fiercely and since he already blames his failings as a pseudo-parent for the anxiety and insecurity he struggles with, the absolute last thing he wants to do is hurt him by taking his datemate away. It’s a no-brainer to remove himself from the situation if he’s distracting you from Rus, but once it’s progressed to this point, there’s no positive outcome for anyone.

Rus is now convinced he’s the pity-boyfriend and feels awful that you don’t get to be with Mal anymore because he couldn’t hide his dumb feelings better. Mal is upset that he can’t be with you, and a little upset with you for not loving his little brother enough to begin with and making this choice necessary. And of course, you’re gonna be hurting, too, because one of your boyfriends thinks he’s your consolation prize and the other isn’t even your boyfriend anymore.

But of course, that’s the Worst Case Scenario.

To make this work, you just need to be fair about sharing your time and affection, which in healthy polyamory, you should probably already be doing! But if for some reason, you can’t do that, skew slightly in Rus’ favor. Mal can be jealous and selfish but he’s more than willing to make room for his brother’s happiness, and he knows that he’s welcome to edge into yours and Rus’ time together if he really wants– Rus has no problems sharing, he just gets a little upset if he thinks he’s the second choice.

If you put in the time and effort to assure Rus that you’re dating him because you care about him, this actually becomes one of the easiest bro-combos possible. Mal and Rus have a less contentious relationship than the other ‘fell brothers and with less buried anger and bitterness between them their bond is already strong and relatively healthy when you enter the mix.

Your integration is like finding the perfect centerpiece to tie an already-stylish room together. Mal plans all the dates and budgets your time between them in the most efficient way possible, while Rus makes sure you and him still get some time to relax and screw around at home. They work very well together as brothers and as your co-boyfriends with about equal importance placed on each role, so you’ll feel nothing but cherished and wanted between the two of them. Make sure to return the favor!

Horrortale:

Yes, a fantastic idea!

They’re both delighted that you asked and agree to share you pretty much immediately, without even a little fuss.

Slate and Papy are arguably the most codependent of the brothers (understandably, considering their shared trauma of the famine) and they’re also probably the most emotionally open with one another as a result, so if a poly relationship seems like it’s becoming a possibility with you, they’re going to get everything talked out and openly agreed upon for a very smooth transition.

It’s actually…kind of an ideal situation for both of them, in a way? Their issues and insecurities are…well, there’s a good deal of them and they’re both a tad concerned that the weight of it might be too much for you alone. They don’t want to overwhelm you or put too much pressure on you just because they’re a little… ‘broken’ is the wrong word for it, but they’re far from undamaged, either!

But with the other brother in the mix, the same one who’s always been there to support his sibling even before you came along, so much of that pressure is taken off.

Slate doesn’t worry that you’re going to suffer from his dissociation and memory problems because he knows Papy is there with his sharp mind and attention to detail to pick up the slack. Likewise, Papy doesn’t worry quite so much on his bad days that you’re secretly unhappy or would be better off without him because Slate is around, who even with a hole in his skull is naturally charming and very skilled at reading people– if you had any complaints, Slate would know and pass them along so they could make you as content as possible!

The end result is that they both relax and don’t psych themselves out quite as much as they might without their brother, and you get to see them as close to their old, pre-horror selves as they can get. Papy is a little more confident and Slate jokes around more and they both treat you like you make the sun rise every morning because you’re the one that loves them both enough to let this relationship be a thing they can have and that’s so cool.

There’s not a drop of jealousy over you from either of them, especially when they can see first-hand that you’re making their brother as happy as you make them, so this is a pretty harmonious and loving match-up, with a lot of potential for success!

[dramazones]

Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P

[hellomissmabel]

Vino o Gelato Epilogue

MASTERLIST

AO3 account

Pairing: Steve x reader

Warnings: The reader grew up believing someone else was her father. Her real father had been sent away by his family. Pepper being a bitch.

Word count: 1.232

Summary: Y/N travels to Italy in search of her biological father. As she’s looking for a place to stay, she walks into the small artisanal gelateria where Steve works. He helps her get in touch with her father and introduces her to his friends. But is Y/N really ready to meet her father? Or is there another reason why she should stay in Italy?

A/N: Written for @yourtropegirl

Series masterlist can be found here

“You sure about this?,” your mother asks you softly as she smooths over the collar of your jacket. Bruce picks up your two suitcases and tells your mother it’s time to get moving to the counter for check-in.

“Yes, mom,” you assure her as you sling your backpack over your shoulder. “C’mon, they’ll start boarding soon and it takes a while until I’m at the gate.”

It’s been six months since you’ve last flown. After the heart-breaking confrontation with Pepper, you didn’t hesitate to book the first flight back to New York. At that point, you didn’t take into account the repercussions this would have for both Tony and Steve, something you regretted deeply afterwards.

Tony tried to change your mind, calling you up and begging you to come back to the villa. Pepper had left the house shortly after you’d run out and he hadn’t seen her since, expecting to receive the divorce papers soon.

Steve, on the other hand, respected your choice and after an hour of complete honesty about your feelings and where you wanted this relationship to go, he even helped you book the ticket. After spending the night together in intimacy, he drove you back to the airport in his navy blue cinque-cento. You left with the promise of Skyping him as soon as you got home.

It was difficult, maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship and of course there were a lot of bumps in the road. You often felt like a broken bottle of wine, until the next time he’d make an unexpected phone call and you’d feel as fresh as a scoop of artisanal gelato.

After checking in your luggage and scanning your boarding pass, you’re all set to go to the gates. “This is where I leave you,” you sigh sadly, hugging your mother tightly as Bruce presses a chaste kiss to your temple. “Promise me you’ll visit us in Italy. I really want you to meet Steve. And not just Steve, but also the rest of the expat squad, their surrogate mother May and of course my half-brother Peter.”

“Of course we’ll visit you, honey,” your mother replies with tears in her eyes. “Just as long as you promise to pay a visit to New York, too.” And with that final promise, you bid goodbye to your two loves ones as you’re on your way to two other loved ones.

The entire flight you’re a nervous wreck, going over the pics in your phone that Steve sent you shortly before departure. For example, there’s a photograph of the Vespa Tony bought you in anticipation of your arrival, one of the entire family of internationals at one of their Friday dinners, and the new double bed, closet and couch Steve got for the two of you since his room at May’s B&B is one of the largest and holds enough space for both of you. It’s not an ideal solution, but it’ll work for now while you’re scanning your surroundings for an apartment.

The very moment the plane’s wheels connect with the asphalt of the runway below, your entire body is on high alert. You’re one of the first passengers to get off and you sprint towards the baggage claim, retrieving your luggage as soon as you spot it. Fortunately for your tired feet, the airport is relatively small and you can easily find your way towards the main hall where you know Stevie will be waiting for you.

He’s holding up a sign that says “Gorgeous American girlfriend from New York”, putting it up high in the air so it’s the first thing your eyes notice after fighting your way through the thick crowd.

“Steve!,” you yell as you rush into his arms, leaving your bags unattended and collapsing onto the floor, all your attention drawn like a magnet towards him. Embracing your waist as tightly as possible, he lifts you up in the air and twirls you around as his pure voice filled with laughter and happiness resonates against the airport walls.

“I’ve missed you so much,” you murmur in between kisses as you pepper his face with affectionate little pecks. Steve puts you back down on both your feet and drops the sign so he can kiss you properly, connecting your lips in a tender, slow kiss.

A deep male voice coughs softly and reluctantly you break away for air. There’s your father, standing just a few inches away from you and Steve. “What about your old man, hm? Did you miss him, too?,” he chuckles as he opens his arms for you to fold into.

Releasing Steve from your doting kisses, you jump from one set of arms into another as you embrace your father lovingly. Nestling your head in the nape of Tony’s neck, you inhale deeply the familiar scent of smoky oak and fresh musk. Finally reunited.

With Tony’s arm slung over your shoulders and Steve holding your hand, you leave the airport and head straight for a new beginning. It’s take some time to adjust, but you’re confident in the choice you’ve made. It’s hard leaving your life as a New Yorker behind, but it’s not an impulsive choice.

Impulsivity came 6 months ago when you left Italy head over heels, not even allowing yourself some room to breathe and collect your thoughts after you’ve been blatantly accused by Pepper. Even though Tony offered to talk about it and work through their issues, even suggested couple therapy, him and his now ex-wife will never be able to be in the same room again. Fortunately, Tony has the vineyard to keep his mind off Pepper, and with you by his side he feels like he can conquer the world despite all the hardship he’s been through.

Steve and Tony are friends as well and recently he decided to involve Steve some more in the family business. He’s still got his job at the ice cream shop where it all started, and his job as a tour guide at the local tourist centre. But every now and then, especially during the harvest, he helps out at the vineyard. Just like you had planned, you moved in with Steve as soon as you set foot on Italian soil, although it was much to Tony’s disappointment who had hoped you’d stay with him at the villa.

Nevertheless, Tony finds a lot of support in his son, Peter, and you and Peter are as thick as thieves now. They both regularly pop by at the B&B to say hi to May, something Tony never did because he respected Pepper’s wishes to not involve May in their marriage. But now Pepper’s out of the picture, Tony has realised that those old feelings he once harboured for May, hadn’t really disappeared after all. They continue to enjoy joint custody of their son and maybe, in the near future, they’ll find their way back to one another.

Now you’re working together with Bucky and Tony at the vineyard, making a name for yourself while simultaneously strengthening your relationship with your father and half-brother. Business is going very well and this presents you with the opportunity to discover the world as you attend and compete at various tasting competitions. You’re finally able to live the life you actually enjoy living, and at the end of the day, Steve will always be waiting for you at home.

Tagging: @avengerofyourheart @a-little-hell-to-raise @marvelingatthewonder @mrshopkirk @hardcorehippos @knittingknerdy @winterboobaer @italwaysendsinafightt @viollettes @hymnofthevalkyrie @feelmyroarrrr @justareader @austinamelio @volklana @4theluvofall @themcuhasruinedme @theoneandonlysaucymo @caplansteverogers @amrita31199 @emilyevanston @minervaem @howlingbarnes @buchananbarnestrash @youandb @you-and-bucky @fvckingsteverogers @thatawkwardtinyperson @barnes-heaven @that-sokovian-bastard @abovethesmokestacks @marvelrevival @marvel-fanfiction @justanotherbuckydevotee @barnes-heaven @heartmade-writingbucky @buckyywiththegoodhair @captnbarnesrogers @mellifluous-melodramas @its-not-a-phase-hux @melconnor2007 @ivvitm1109 @toofuckinfabulous @ailynalonso15 @hollycornish @delicatecapnerd @camigt1999 @learisa @curlyexpat @palaiasaurus64 @fanndas-snow-goddess @crisssivonne @yourenotrogers @tomhollandzs @supernaturaldean65 @beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep @aletheladyinred @beyondbarnes @xbergiex @reniescarlett @promarvelfangirl @capbuckybuchanan @lovemarvelousfics @yknott81 @rrwilson66 @pegasusdragontiger @salty-holographic-stickers @sammyissassy @sebstanchrisevanchickforever19 @kudosia @bellejeunefillesansmerci @lumelgy @mizzzpink @southernbellestatues @daringtodreamawake @neurotic-narwhal @cokamarie24 @blue1928 @movingonto-betterthings @breezy1415 @isnt-the-blog-youre-looking-for @jesspfly @weenie-butt @debzybrazy @fuckingchaotic  @always-an-evans-addict @petersunderroos  @thegreentgirl @nedthegay

Series tag list: @incoherent-smiles @phiauniverse @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @mo320 @suz-123 @wildestdreamsrps @lexicon411 @katemcgraw @youpocketwitch @3dsaunt @void-imaginations @mylittlefandomfanfictions @anotherotter @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @redroomproperty @mirachowder

Strikethrough means I couldn’t tag you!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

im slow to figure out things about myself but im doing it still! for example, that unless i am talking w someone with the understanding that the conversation is independent of establishing our relationship, i actually ought to keep personal things to myself! on account of im both very withholding of even minor shit about myself but also can be overly friendly to anyone i wanna be nice to when sometimes they dont deserve it and actually suck! like dont get me wrong not letting anyone feel like theyre getting to know me doesnt mean i think the alternative is being mean or whatever. or that on occasion i dont have an accurate sense of getting Good Vibes from people just like i (more often) get an accurate feeling of bad vibes from someone. but just generally it takes a long time to get to actually get to know me in cases that i can think of where im like "yeah im comfortable with this person and trust them with my genuine thoughts and feelings" vs cases where im like "i automatically made efforts to be Earnest and Forthcoming in friendly interactions with this person and in the end i wish i hadnt even bothered and even though me talking to someone and telling them stuff about me was an effort to become more comfortable with them, i dont think i ever actually was comfortable." like dont get me wrong! i may be a "requires level 900 to unlock" person who takes like, ages to genuinely befriend, but i don't pretend to be worth that effort or something! thats just how i am and its more hurtful to me than anyone else to blame myself for not being more comfortable around people. i dont pretend to have a lot of friends or expect a huge friend group anytime soon! im really particular about what it takes to feel like i trust someone's okayness and its pretty rare to come across people i like a lot right off. but that is just how it goes! in the meantime i have to remember these things about myself and try not to be so upfront about trying to connect with people because then i feel imbalanced b/c of how much of a big deal that is for me and how much effort vs how unlikely anyone else is to feel like they are making that much effort in return. like im good at being my own company and just because i always thought the idea of having a lot of friends would be great and started out probably overeager to gain that, doesnt mean that trying to gain friendship with anyone who seems even vaguely relevant isnt really just overly draining and for no real purpose......and while im always reflexively trying to be as nice as possible to people i end up regretting it a lot, not so much because they are jerks about it as i just feel like ive always gotten myself into a disproportionate situation / a situation where i feel like im assumed to be better-known by people than i am, not necessarily through any deliberate fault of theirs or mine / just accidentally spending a lot of time and energy on people i dont feel like i'll ever be that close to because i just automatically start out on the pattern of being interested and friendly towards them as my Being Nice instinct smh. tldr i should be more reclusive as my heart is!! and let myself be picky about who im friends with. because a lot of times i just end up realizing im not actually like...feeling like theyre a friend but its just been habit for a while. sometimes its been that people are actual jerks and then i just make an effort to be distanced from them gradually. but like i just always end up blaming myself a lot because im just not naturally suited to being comfortable with many people, especially in a short period of time after meeting them. and thats okay cuz whose problem is it but mine if i dont have a lot of friends. and like yeah in theory itd be great if i found like fifty people i liked a lot, the more socially appealing and connected you are the better, but i just dont. im not talking about being mean to people or treating them badly or being inconsiderate or anything, im just talking about im socially weird and not in a Fun way just an actually weird way and its hard for me to find people i think i truly get along with. and thats fine and im just trying to make myself be aware of it and stop blaming myself for not clicking with other peoples social styles and not try to be friends with someone before i feel like i like them, or even more importantly, until i feel like they like me, because whats really crap and embittering is ending up feeling like the person who someone likes isnt even actually you. anyways, how demanding is it to just be telling myself to let myself maintain the distance i need to feel comfortable until i can tell i like someone and they seem like they'll be just as cool to me, right. im sure i'll keep repeating this mistake as its not a deliberate choice on my part but being aware of shit can help. gradually. maybe one day i'll have enough friends that i can call them a group but in the meantime i can cut back on exposing myself to situations where i end up feeling crappy becoz ive never considered my own weird needs as important in the whole deal tldr Embracing No Friends Cryptidity

[mllemaenad]

Personally... I feel that WEaWH tries to remove itself from TME because it realizes that TME is fucking irredeemable garbage, and tries to make its WLW representation less appalling. So I'm entirely willing to overlook continuity errors for the sake of one relationship between women in the entire series that can go well.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that. I’m not going to argue with you on the merits of The Masked Empire, as you’re entitled to like or dislike any media you choose, but I don’t think Bioware is trying to distance itself from the novel. I also don’t think their motive is positive representation, or that they’re seriously suggesting a happy ending. However, even if they were I would call the choice to reunite Celene and Briala without any serious examination of the issues that drove them apart … disquieting.

1) On distancing themselves from the novel.

To begin with the obvious, several of the Dragon Age novels provide not only context for the quests in Inquisition, but also promotional material maintaining audience interest between games.

It’s hardly an accident that Asunder is a prequel to In Hushed Whispers/Champions of the Just, The Masked Empire is a prequel to Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts (as well as giving you a roundabout introduction to Solas) and Last Flight provides you with some context on why Weisshaupt is just no help at all during Here Lies the Abyss.

They do kind of want you to buy all their stuff. And if you started with Inquisition and liked what you saw, they want you to run back and buy all the earlier stuff for context. Video game tie-in novels aren’t generally considered high art, so they’d need serious reasons to want to reject the novel as part of their canon. Just in case, I checked The Masked Empire’s Amazon page, and it’s currently got 4.4 stars – so it doesn’t look like something they’d be particularly desperate to ignore. They’d rather you bought it and gave them money.

To move more to the specific, the game references the novel constantly. In addition to devoting a whole main quest to resolving its plot, it also includes cameos from Mihris, Michel and Imshael, which really serve no other purpose than to provide a bit of closure to the people who read the novel and wondered what became of them. This is actually more than it provides for, say, the characters of Asunder: Rhys and Evangeline appear only in a war table mission, Adrian doesn’t appear at all – and who knows where Shale has wandered off to.

It also references the murder of Briala’s parents directly:

Cole: She’s still behind the curtains in the reading room, watching the blood pool on the floor.

Briala pulled the red velvet curtain aside. Her hands shook as she did. There was a pool of red on the floor of the reading room, staining the rich Nevarran carpet. It had spread almost to the curtain.

At the other end of the pool were Briala’s parents.

– The Masked Empire

If they really wanted to distance themselves from The Masked Empire, they wouldn’t put that in there. If they wanted to say that that this didn’t happen, they’d have retconned the story – or at the very least not mentioned it.

In fact, the choice of words is particularly distressing. Cole senses pain. When he says Briala is ‘still behind the curtains’ he’s emphasising that the trauma and anguish are still very much with her, making a reconciliation, particularly a reconciliation that utterly fails to address a thing that they have confirmed happened, even stranger.

 I would say that one motive for their choice to reconcile the two characters is simplicity. I like parts of Inquisition, but honestly it’s over ambitious. They set up a series of continent-wide catastrophes, each one intensely political: the mage rebellion, the Orlesian civil war, the collapse of the Chantry.

Each one probably requires its own game for a satisfactory solution. I realise they were probably going for something similar to the galaxy-wide political collapse in Mass Effect 3, but the Dragon Age games are at a serious disadvantage because they lack continuity of characters.

Mass Effect 3 had its own problems, of course, but for example – I think most people have fun curing the genophage for the krogan. But what they remember is Mordin Solus and ‘There’s a reaper in my way, Wrex!’ When it worked it was able to build on characters who were present across the series.

Inquisition is faced with trying to find resolutions for groups of people that have no direct connection to each other, and whom the protagonist has never seen before (even if they player has). This is hardly the only time their attempt to fix everything in a single quest ends up making no sense.

2) On positive representation

I’m afraid I don’t think what we get in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts is especially positive. I think it’s … kind of infantilising, really, and has a whiff of sexism about it. I mean – again, I’m not asking you to like The Masked Empire. But this:

“It would have been a locked suite in the palace for a few years, nothing more!” Celene kept her voice low, aware that Michel and Felassan had stopped planning and were looking their way. “It would have changed nothing for us.”

“Your hair still stinks of the smoke from the people you burned,” Briala said. “That is a change.”

The dead leaves crackled under Celene’s feet as she stepped forward. “How many wars can our empire survive in such a short time? I wanted my legacy to be the university, the beauty and culture that made us the envy of the world. Instead I may be known as the empress under whom Orlais fell. You have the luxury of mourning Halamshiral’s elves and holding my heart hostage. Sitting on my throne, I see every city in the empire. If I must burn one to save the rest, I will weep, but I will light the torch.”

Briala swallowed. “You’re not weeping, as far as I can tell. Nor are you sitting on your throne. She stepped away, her movements fast and jerky. “With your permission, Your Radiance, I shall go indulge myself in my luxury.”

– The Masked Empire

… is at least an argument between adults, with the details of what they believe laid out. Celene honestly believes that the empire and her legacy are worth 'a few thousand elven lives’: she believes that maintaining the strength of Orlais is worth thousands of lives in sacrifice, as is the vision she has for the country’s future. Briala is facing up to the fact that this is the bargain she’s made: stay with Celene and she might see an elven scholar graduate from the university – but she’ll likely also see elves burn every time there’s a crisis, because elves are the most expendable people in the empire.

Briala wavers throughout the novel, obviously, because there is genuine feeling between herself and Celene. But the discovery that this has all happened before, that this is not the first time Celene has shed elven blood to impress her rivals and gain power, and that her own parents were among the victims, brings her to a decision.

You don’t have to like it, but these women are serious about what they want and believe.

But in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts we get stuff like this:

Sera: Elves-elves-elves, but it’s really a pissing match with an old lover. Don’t know the rest but that explains a lot.

It’s hardly coincidental that they chose Sera to say this. Sera the commoner, who despises the nobility. Sera the Red Jenny, with contacts in every corner of Thedas. True, Sera’s background has led her to reject a lot of elven culture, but her biggest objection is usually to ‘moping’ about the past. This:

Briala thought for a moment. “Celene and Gaspard saw an army, but that would be fighting their fight. With the paths, I could get food to alienages where elves would otherwise starve. They would let me move ahead of an oncoming army and warn the target, or move behind them and attack their supply lines.”

– The Masked Empire

… sounds more like the practical stuff she favours: she’s said getting revenge would be a preferable option, and this is getting food to the poor, terrorising the nobility and giving little people a shot at being part of something bigger. But now we can’t take it seriously, because Sera has reduced it to a lovers’ tiff.

That isn’t meant as a criticism of Sera, to be clear. They do this when they want a mouthpiece. This is the equivalent of having Cole approve of Cullen.

And as for it going well, this is their epilogue slide:

Where once war raged, there is now a shaky peace. Orlais is resurgent, the empress a patron of arts and culture.

Many attribute this recovery to her lady love, though others wonder how long their reunion will truly last.

– Epilogue (Inquisition)

I mean – maybe they’ll forget about this. They have been known to forget their epilogue slides. But it doesn’t read as though the intent was to write a strong and loving partnership. Rather it looks as though they are selling the relationship as tempestuous.

That’s one place where I am very uncomfortable. This is the revolt of an oppressed people, and the politics an empire. And there’s a sense that they’re saying ‘Oh, those women and their emotions! Today they love each other; tomorrow they’ll hate each other; the day after they’ll probably love each other again. You never know, with women.’

I appreciate that Bioware is fairly progressive, for a game company: the character choices, the romance options, the NPCs – they are trying to represent a variety of races, genders and sexualities. But it doesn’t mean they never fuck up. I mean, there’s a bit in Mark of the Assassin where Isabela tells Hawke that Gamlen has been sexually harassing her and two responses blame her (You find something inappropriate?/Break him. And wear pants.).

Given that they are already struggling to resolve a massive plotline in a ridiculous amount of time, I’m not surprised they fell back on this. It’s narrative shorthand, and that can be handy for desperate situations. But it’s still sexist shorthand, and I very much wish they hadn’t done it.

3) Removing The Masked Empire from the equation doesn’t solve the problem

I mean, it makes some of the bigger issues like Briala’s dead parents a little easier to miss, sure, but it doesn’t make the problems go away.

I appreciate that representation is important. I do. But romantic relationships between women are not the only representation issue at stake, here. There’s no single source for the elven people, of course, but it’s easy enough to see that Bioware has borrowed from the experiences of Jewish, Romani and aboriginal peoples living under empires and/or colonialism.

And have we ever established that it is shit to be an elf. The city elf origin story in Origins is an abduction/rape/murder combo. The Dalish clans in Origins and DA2 can be slaughtered. It’s terrifyingly easy to kill off clan Lavellan in war table missions, and even though this is the protagonist’s family the game doesn’t make a thing of it. There’s a whole side quest in DA2 about a serial killer who targets elves, and who keeps getting away with it because no one gives a shit. We are up to our eyeballs in codex entries on the treatment of elves.

And here we have Briala, the leader of a rebellion in Orlais – one of the nations best known for oppressing the fuck out of the elves and trying to destroy their culture.

Even without The Masked Empire this is:

a) providing only the most minimal description of the nature of her rebellion and what she hopes to achieve.

b)allowing her to be dismissed as primarily involved in a lovers’ tiff.

c) pairing her with a woman the game actually says massacred the Halamshiral elves.

d) using the massacre as evidence against her because she was sleeping with Celene, rather than as evidence against the woman who actually committed it.

That’s … all pretty shitty, even at the simplest level. The game doesn’t address any of this. It doesn’t even force the characters to discuss what happened before throwing them back together. It spends as much time tsking at Briala for destabilising Orlais as it does Celene and Gaspard. It loves the idea that they’re all as bad as each other – which allows the player to justify just about any ending.

And this is a thing they do repeatedly: they tsk at the mage rebellion as well. They seem to be very good at describing the sufferings of the elves, the mages, the casteless dwarves … but don’t approve of them actually doing anything about their oppression. At least not anything more forceful than writing a stern letter of complaint (for those lucky literate characters!) to the local lord or revered mother.

And so minimising the problems of Celene and Briala’s relationship, and waving a locket around (which, even out of context, does not seem like a forceful enough declaration of love to startle Briala) does … not strike me as very respectful of peoples who have suffered under empires, and who have had to fight tooth and nail for every sliver of justice.

It’s not that I want to exclude a healthy, positive romance between two women in order to have Awesome Revolutionary Briala. I just don’t understand why we couldn’t have both.

Couldn’t Briala show up with a new girlfriend? Do it properly: give her a codex entry and make her active and important in the quest. Show the two of them both being affectionate and working together for the cause. Make sure that at least some of the possible quest endings leave them alive, together and continuing to better the lot of the elves.

I can understand that you may not like The Masked Empire and may want to exclude it from your personal headcanon. That’s absolutely fine, obviously. But I do not believe that was Bioware’s intent in writing the the Briala-and-Celene reconciliation, and I still have serious issues with it.

[otpofotps]

did i grow up in 2016? have i made progress? is this what i came to japan for?

i honestly don’t know how to answer that and i don’t think im in the right place to answer that right now. but let me elaborate on the dinner with the kouhai, finally, because it led to….a lot. of internal ramblings…. some of which became external.

so this kouhai says lets get dinner and im like sure! but inside im like ummmmm but its not like we talk often or much at all and i only told one person about the upcoming event and he was like yeah idk maki sounds like a date and im like yeah ikr. but it was wishy washy like, it was also very plausibly not a date and just him wanting to get friendlier with a senpai. i have trouble understanding that maybe only because its never something i would do. this…is only the beginning of things that i do not see myself agreeing with the kouhai on.

so the dinner happens and it was like…. ooooookay. for me, it was just one of those things. if the cards were clearer i could’ve played it better. but i didn’t know the line and he didn’t make it clear and i fucked it up. because how presumptuous would it have been of me to treat it like a date and flirt? not that i know how. but i played it off super platonic because im incapable of putting myself out there like, hey maybe i have romantic intentions towards you. i just cannot do that mentally. its a hard knock life but its mostly just me making it hard. if he had made it clear it was non platonic i guess i could’ve done better. but…. then there was the other problem

we talked. obviously, duh, thats what dinner is, but because of the societal position we are in (as in our commonality is ipse) then like…yeah obv we are going to end up talking about ipse, and japan, and so many other things i’m uncomfortable talking openly about. guess what, i am not 100% satisfied. or even like 50%. but he was like its been a good year, hasn’t it? and im like, internally, dude, what in the fuck do you want me to say to that. you’re a kouhai and i’ve had a years longer worth of experience in japan and my answer is no, i’ve not had a great year. i didn’t want to say that. i didn’t want to say that to someone who still has a lot of potential to do whatever he wants in japan. it is entirely possible for him to achieve/maintain happiness in japan. but we are not the same people. and my experience of ipse is probably very different from what yours will be.

so talking to him brought out a lot about what i was thinking applying to japan and what i think now. this dinner happened like second to last week of december. fitting or just a downer for the end of the year, can someone else clarify for me because oh dear god it did get worse from there

it became incredibly, amazingly, horrifyingly clear how different we are. in almost everything we talked about that i had an opinion on, he had the opposite. and worse, he reminds me a lot of this particular person in my department that i have decided from here onwards i hate… i cannot remember what i call him here. maybe [y]. they have such…similarities.

it scares me because ive spent an entire year understanding why i don’t trust people like [y]. i hate being like oo emotions scary the world is bad and cynicism is the answer im not one of those people. but there is always a part of me that distrusts certain people. most people (all people?) maybe, until i feel some certain tick where i feel like suddenly i can show that i am emotionally invested in our friendship / whatever. it feels so dumb typing that out. but its something i need to confront. this text post isnt the time…. but [y] has been such a justification for why i do this. because people like [y] exist. people that i feel like i can be friends with and then go and humiliate you or make fun of you or imply your friendship means nothing to them. this sounds like [y] fucked me up or something and i promise he didn’t, i’ve always been like this, but it sucks that [y] is someone i still have to deal with, and i really don’t want to see the only kouhai i have a connection to become someone that i never can invest feeling into a relationship with.

so yes. i do not see myself being able to smoothly befriend the kouhai. or like…whatever, you know. but then the Key conversation happened which led to…some drunken ramblings that unfortunately i don’t recall very well but i’m sure my friends do.

so. god….. it was just such. i overreacted. but tbh its not a topic to have been talking about on a potential date not date. basically, it went like “well i came to university in japan because i want to marry a japanese person” (him)

and just like that i just. was like ….no. i cannot explain what took over me but i was just like. no. “you chose the country of your university based on who you want to marry? aren’t you like 18?”

“well…yeah.”

not that the conversation really exploded after that but for me at that point…it was not a good evening. the rest of that conversation was basically “so you wouldn’t base your career decisions depending on your spouse?” (him) “fuck no” “…thats…unusual…” “really? i feel like thats something you could expect from rikejos” (i am so dumb please don’t punch me) “not really?”

for him, he probably meant that not as a wife in japan obligatorily follows husbands career path trajectory and abandons her own career if necessary, but as in partners will consider their partner (non specific genders) in times of career choices. i took it as the first one because i am so dumb, and girls and feminism and japan and marriage is really, really, apparently /really/, touchy subject for me.

so i was touchy and a little miffed for really no real reason, and then a week later i drank too much vodka and went on a rant about this specific conversation and girls in japan, and how that’s not who i want to be, i want to have a career, blah blah blah i am really the worst. not because i have strong opinions about something that is certainly a valid topic to have strong opinions about but i put down other types of woman. i basically said something (on the vodka fueld rant) about how i don’t want to be a housewife, how im meant for more than that. and it breaks my heart that i said that (my friend told me later). because that’s not who i want to be. that’s not feminism. feminism shouldn’t be that being a housewife is a shameful thing or lesser thing. feminism is the right to CHOOSE. you want a career as a researcher? go ahead! you want to stay home and take care of the home? go ahead! its about not being reduced to stereotypes. its about that there shouldn’t be the assumption that the wife is the one who does the household chores. its that society assess the value of a job based on the money it brings to the house, but how can we ever assess the value of the housewife.

i am shamed and sad that i said things that i didn’t realise i believed. or maybe i knew, but i didn’t want to know, and hid my eyes from it.

and not that its entirely the dinner’s fault, but it certainly did bring it (my later drunken rant on [y], the kouhai, and girls in japan) out.

so yes. 2/10, the dinner was an interesting but not entirely positive (as of yet) experience.