#because the others are just me being silly but THESE GUYS have been with me too long
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remxedmoon Ā· 2 days ago
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so all you need to do right now is disappear.
HHHHAPPY ISATVERSARY EVERYONE. hereā€™s redraws for every single battle cg in the game. 36 drawings this time around, with 11 of those being custom (though admittedly a good portion of those are edits). combined with the portrait redraws i made back in september, iā€™ve made 114 redraws for this project! jesus christ! just like those redraws, these are completely free to use!! as long as iā€™m credited and itā€™s not for commercial purposes, go wild!! do whatever you want!!!
no i didnā€™t make these for isatā€™s 1 year anniversary this is just wildly good timing.
i genuinely canā€™t fit all of these cgs in one post even with the 30 image limit on browser, but iā€™ll still try to fit Most of them below the cut (without making this post horrifically long), along with some notes that might be important šŸ‘
okay! once again, i labeled all of the custom art as such in the drive, but if you want a full list, the customs are hatless siffrin jackpot, bonnie jackpot, bonnie special attack, bigfrin attack, and a bunch of alts which are definitely not related to any projects iā€™ve been thinking about donā€™t worry about it. and out of those customs, only like. 3 of them are actually completely from scratch.
while i did my absolute best to keep the aspect ratios completely the same as the originals, thereā€™s 3 exceptions that i just couldnā€™t get to work.
isabeauā€™s hair in his special attack cg wouldnā€™t fit in frame if i kept things completely accurate to the og, so i moved his cg down a bit. it shouldnā€™t cause any issues with modding or anything, itā€™ll just appear slightly lower than it does in game. alasā€¦
isabeauā€™s sleeve and mirabelleā€™s hair made their jackpot sprites a little larger than the originals? iā€™m hoping this doesnā€™t have too much of an effect (since the jackpot sprites have inconsistent sizes) but i canā€™t test this myself unfortunately. aaa feel free to let me know on discord if any problems arise!!
i managed to fix these, so they arenā€™t going to cause problems now, but my original drawings for mirabelle and siffrin in the final attack scene were a pain in the ass to fix. mirabelleā€™s sprite was slightly too talk to fit in frame and siffrinā€™s hat whacked bonnie in the face while i was editing everyone together. iā€™m only mentioning this because it took like an hour and a half to fix them and finish the scene.
all that aside, these were a fucking BLAST to work on. apparently this ended up taking 57 hours over exactly 10 days. which is a little worrying if you do the math on that but somehow i have not burnt myself out. i will be doing enemies at some point!!! but probably not for a little bit. i think my friends will actually kill me if i donā€™t take a break.
once again, happy birthday isat. youā€™ve ruined my life and i wouldnā€™t have it any other way (silly).
also, on an actual serious note, this little timeloop game has genuinely changed my life for the better? you guys are probably sick of hearing it at this point (or maybe not, i donā€™t talk about myself That Much. i hope), but i was practically a ghost for about 2 years before joining this fandom. itā€™s a little surreal to suddenly have friends (plural!!!) and people who Care about me, or even know i exist, honestly. itā€™s weird!! in a good way!!!
i donā€™t think i wouldā€™ve ever come back to social media if this community wasnā€™t so welcoming. iā€™ve met a lot of really great people through this game!!! so, uh, thank you isat, i guess. hereā€™s to another year.
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mirrorcatcreditcard Ā· 14 hours ago
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Take I haven't seen in the fandom yet:
Luka doesn't want to be freed.
"Now, MirrorCatCreditcard," you may say, "that's nonsense. Any human would want freedom from that system."
If you're thinking I'm gonna convince you that Luka doesn't know he wants freedom yet, you're wrong. I'm here to talk about indoctrination/conditioning, grooming/emotional manipulation, my own experience with those topics, and how all of the above connects with Luka as a character. If a deep dive like this is too much for you, please tap out for your own sake.
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Luka's life was planned before he even existed. There has never ever been an alternative option. There is no life for Luka as anything but what Herperu chose. Everything in his life has been planned to have him be the perfect pet human idol. That is what he must be.
Fandom, I don't think most of you actually understand this and have dissected what this means (shout-out to the Luka stans who are getting there/have guessed similar things). These words we know have alternatives and are not set in stone are Luka's "gravity makes rain fall to the earth" and "water makes things wet." They are facts so deeply ingrained within him that even if shown the contrary he remarks that the person showing them is just disillusioned.
Take his commentary on Mizi and Hyun-A in the art book. He looks down on Mizi for not being able to control any of her emotions. How does he talk about Hyun-A? He has her at 70% affection yet shows a patronizing attitudeā€”she's the one in denial at reality.
Now, how did we get here? How is a human so "delusional" and set in the control?
He's been conditioned.
Some of you don't know what I mean by this from experience and/or research, and count yourself fortunate that you don't. I pray you never experience such things firsthand. Don't worry about ignorance. Familiar or not, I will explain.
When you are surrounded by only one truth and reality, that is the way you interpret life. If a parent tells a child "the moon goes to sleep during the day," until the child learns otherwise, that's what they believe. Now take that child-like belief and add some toxic environments to the mix. With time, any other kid would learn that the earth rotates from their peers or adults around them. But if the creatures around them all say and believe the same thing "the moon goes to sleep during the day," then that is what the child continues to believe. Years of that same thing being the only truth make that false knowledge into a fact in the person's head, and everything that supports that fact is taken as truth or on the right path to truth.
"This is kinda silly though," you guys are no doubt murmuring, "All of this is a hypothetical. Give us something that makes sense or that someone could actually see happen in our society."
I'll give you my own experience then. My parents taught me that God is real. My parents taught me that I will be damned I do not follow the commandments of the scriptures. I didn't need to worry though. As long as I was obedient to the God who loved me and wanted what was best, I would be saved despite being born an awful sinful human. I was homeschooled, only interacted with people of similar beliefs, and taught that people too different from me in ideology or with radical beliefs against my own were trying to harm me and my family. I believed the people who raised me because why would people who love me lie to me? My task was simple. I needed to obey God and love everyone, especially them. Love meant giving up my entire being and living only as servant and sacrifice. After all, being selfless to the utmost was the greatest form of love.
Let's go back to Luka. His guardian, Herperu, when questioned about any surprises while training Luka, stated not only that he was the one who endured the "tough moments" but also that "(Luka) owes his success to me, and naturally, he should be grateful." This sentiment is echoed by Luka in his interview (shown on Patreon). My god, it's giving parents with disabled kids who brag on social media about how much trouble their kid is and how much they do for them. Sickening. This shows exactly what environment Luka has lived in though.
When you are manipulated into having something as your reality, everything else is fiction and delusion.
Let's review what exactly is Luka's reality.
Heperu is the one suffering if Luka has any difficulties being obedient.
Gratitude is what Herperu is owed because he goes through so much trouble to make Luka a star.
Love/care is shown by owning another's autonomy.
Emotions and bodily reactions exist, sure, but someone should be able to control them; and if they can't, someone should control those reactions for them.
Segyein are superior and the good ones for dealing with humans. Humans must be disciplined and shaped to how an segyein wants it to act to be considered deserving of this goodness.
(Luka)'s perfection is defined by his guardian.
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Luka's life is directly connected to being the perfect performer. His guardian praises his abilities with the statement that no other pet human will ever be as perfect as him yet leaves an underlying threat saying that it will be no good if a pet is not trained properly. This has probably been mentally (if not physically) beaten into Luka's mind: his greatness doesn't stop him from being able to be disposed of. The human instinct to want to live has been explained to him as Heperu's wish for him to live and that has been further distorted as a duty to live for the stage he has been placed on.
Luka believes fully that there is a debt in play here. In his interview, he mentions repaying love. He thinks the relationship between fan and idol is completely normal, encouraged, and healthy. Performance is the most important thing. Being where he is is a privilege.
There's a chain here:
Heperu indoctrinated Luka into believing what he says is all true.
The guardian manipulated him easily to do what he wanted with his body and mind.
The years have been spent constantly conditioning Luka to be the god who encapsulated fantasies for the audience.
He is continually being groomed to exist for the entertainment and enjoyment of segyein.
Circle back to my first point of this post. Luka does not want to be freed. He doesn't know what freedom actually is. He sees freedom as either foolish denials of reality (and doesn't consider that actual freedom) or as controlling the song and stage when he performs (something he learned from Hyuna). He cannot want something he cannot understand. He cannot want freedom in the sense the fandom keeps speaking about.
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It's funny. From the moment Luka was revealed to be hated by the fandom, I wanted to know why. Instead of digging and finding horrific deeds, I instead found a character who portrayed my own traumas and experiences. I instantly attached and delved deeply into learning about this thirty year old singer. Why does he express himself in a certain way? Where do we first see mention of him? Who does he have emotions towards? How was he trained? What makes Luka himself? I have past essays/replies to other's theories if you're interested, but in this one I got personal and didn't sugarcoat the facts. If the fandom can't handle deep thought, we shouldn't be discussing this incredibly profound and depth-filled web series.
As always, thank you for your time, and I hope my thoughts allowed you to open your mind to new things. Mostly, I hope you enjoyed them šŸ«¶
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whentherewerebicycles Ā· 2 days ago
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my baby is six months old today!!! heā€™s been alive for half a year!!!!! it somehow feels both like he's been in my life forever and like i just gave birth days ago. I love him so much it makes me feel a little frantic sometimes. he is down for his first nap now and I can hear him in his crib grumbling to himself about the terrible indignities they subject sweet little babies to these days (chief among them being wrapped in blankets in a soft little sleeping bag in a cozy warm room for a nice restorative nap).
I think I want to journal a bit todayā€”six things about the baby + six thoughts about my experience of parenting thus far. baby first!
well i mean. he is just perfect. he is just the best little guy ever. all babies are the best little guy ever but he is MY best little guy you know? i love him so much. what is his personality like? i would say he has definitely retained something of the watchfulness and slight reserve he had as a newborn. he has these huge dark eyes and he studies things very intently and in general likes to Observe the Situation before wading in. but he is, so far, not especially shy? the stranger danger phase has not set in yet so he enjoys being held by a wide range of people and will warm up to new faces after a bit, especially if they make silly expressions at him or sing to him. he also definitely has His People, who he is not reserved with at all. the second my sister walks in he starts kicking his legs furiously and babbling to her to get her to come over and talk to him. he looooves my mom and is way snugglier with her than anyone else. he adores his primary babysitters (his nanny + liz's husband A) and is sooo chatty with them. he was slow to smile (liz's baby was beaming at everybody from like five weeks on but i don't think O was smiling regularly until about 12 weeks) and he is still pretty selective with them (strangers do NOT get smiles unless they make a very silly surprising noise). but his general temperament is just likeā€¦ heā€™s a calm, even-keeled, good-natured little guy who is down for pretty much whatever. this kid can hang.
he is REALLY good at independent play. if he's fed and changed he can pretty much entertain himself for 45-60 min at a time without any input from me. he just kicks around on his mat and plays with his toys. in the morning he wakes up around 6:30 but the family does not get up until 7:20 and he will just hang out in his crib making his hands dance in the air and chattering happily to himself. i think this is probably like 80% inborn temperament... my mom says i was the exact same way as a baby, just like totally content to chill and think and talk to myself. but i think maybe 20% of it is also things i consciously did to encourage this from about four weeks on and i am proud of that! i think one of the qualities i like best in myself is that i have a high tolerance for boredom because i can just get lost in my thoughts/imagination. as long as i have something to think about or some imaginary situation to play out in my head i am content. i really want that for him too! idk more thoughts about this when i journal about parenting lol. but i appreciate that he doesn't have to be entertained 24/7 (at least at this age). he is content to just be on his own or just be in the room watching people do other stuff.
obviously i adored him from the start lol but i would say that four months marked a big turning point in terms of how much fun he was to hang out with. he just started seeming so much more alert and engaged around then. and then this last five to six months span of time has just been SO fun. he's fully a little person. he has preferences and opinions and favorite toys and favorite people and favorite animals (ruthie). he is learning ALL the time. you can see him puzzling things out and beginning to develop a rudimentary understanding of cause and effect. right now, like in the past week or so, he is extremely into TEXTURES. he must scritch-scratch absolutely everything with his little baby nails. he is obsessed with his "baby paper" (crinkly paper) and he is much more open to tummy time now mainly because it allows him to scritch-scratch all the different quilts we use as playmats. he likes to scritch-scratch the glass when i take him to the window in the morning to show him his friends the trees, and if there is any kind of graphic on my t-shirts he MUST scratch the edges of it. and he does all of this with a look of total focus lol this kid is LOCKED IN on scritch-scratching.
he laughs so much these days. he also seems to have figured out that people react positively and often rush over to engage with him when he laughs, so sometimes if i'm on the other side of the room and he wants me to pay attention to him he will just do this "huh-huh-HAH-HA! HA!" belly laugh so i'll come over and make silly faces at him. i do pretty much nonstop funny accents and comedy bits for him and i'd say i get a laugh 50% of the time... the other 50% of the time he just gives me this wide-eyed look that clearly says "ok... this lady is nutso and i seem to be trapped in her care... i need to proceed carefully here..." which is also very funny.
he is really into being gently manhandled right now haha. i think it is probably related to developing proprioception? but he loves to be "flying baby" (where you lift him over your head and zoom him around like an airplane) and he loves being a pendulum in a giant clock (where you hold him under his arms and swing his body back and forth as you lift him up and down) and he REALLY loves it when you wrap him up in your arms and roll into a ball and roll over and over a bunch of times. also it delights him when you play-wrestle with him and tickle him even though he cannot yet really wrestle back lol. bonus points if you also growl at him and pretend you are going to eat him up... that's a big hit right now. when i was a kid my dad would wrestle with us all the time and pretend to be a bear chasing us around the house on all fours and let us ride on his back and stuff and it was so much fun. so far it is also pretty fun for the grownup lol i feel like it's a great way to get some silly energy out. but also i think i need to start lifting weights lol because this kid is already so heavy and i want to be able to keep tossing him around and wrestling with him when he's even bigger!!
on a related note: he is getting much stronger!! he is a big boy (as of today: 75th percentile for weight, 98th percentile for height, and wearing 12 month clothes). some of the physical milestones have been challenging for him because he weighs a lot and has a big ol noggin, so it's a lot of work to lift/maneuver his body. but he is rolling over pretty regularly and happily now, and in the last day or two he's started pushing up on his hands a little when he's on his tummy which was the big tummy time milestone he hadn't hit yet. he can also sit up with hip support and is starting to brace himself on his hands while sitting. the contrast with my nephew has been so funny to watch... my nephew is two and a half months older and is the tiniest, springiest little guy, so it's a lot easier for him to monkey around lol. but my nephew also just has this truly nonstop internal motor that seems to drive him to MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE at all times. my baby uhh does not have that motor lol. he finds my nephew's frenetic energy a little overwhelming and is like actually i would prefer to lounge around here on my mat scritch-scratching a quilt, thank you. truly my child lol. why "move around" when you could instead sit in one place daydreaming. it's funny to watch them together and just be like ohhh kids are SO different there's such a wide spectrum of normal.
ok there are six things!!! some other rapidfire facts just for my files: he is still quite gloriously bald but he's started getting hair! no eyebrows yet though lol and no sign that they are on the horizon. he loves taking baths with me except maybe "loves" is the wrong word... he takes bathtime deathly seriously because it is Water Kicking Time and he was put on this earth to Kick Water. so bathtimes are training sessions... he does not smile at ALL during baths he is too Locked In, but he screams and screams when you try to take him out because he was STILL TRAINING. his eyes still have a little bit of that newborn dark blue left but are mostly dark brown now with perhaps the barest hint of hazel. he is really into music and will go into a trance state when you sing to him or play instruments for him. he loves to chomp on his toys. he used to "kiss" your cheek but now just wants to nom nom nom on your face. his cheeks get so rosy when he's worked up or chilly or excited. he is transfixed by his own hands. he does this sharp startled little inhale when something surprises him. he can now take his pacifier out of his mouth and sometimes put it back in (i'd say we have a 20% success rate of getting the pacifier back in the right way). he is almost always a perfect sleeper although we had a little rough patch last night so i'm holding my breath hoping he's not about to have some kind of regression. he loves to kvetch and has mastered the fine art of lowgrade grumbling and complaining. he is teething and so there is a lot of drool everywhere all the time. he likes to hold his board books while i read to him i think it makes him feel important and involved lol. he is very soft and warm and smells good. he loves to snuggle in the big bed with mom. he is the best. he is just the best!!! i am the luckiest person in the world. i love him so much and i love being his mom. what a good baby!!!
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shadamyheadcanons Ā· 23 hours ago
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I'm not sure if they ever gave an official explanation as to why Shadow joined GUN, but I've seen plenty of people say that it's strange he joined the organization that basically ruined his life, and yeah it is weird.
I have come up with a headcanon that explains it though. He joined them to make sure they never do something like they did on the ARK ever again. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer as they say. Not to mention the whole reason that all happened was because GUN wanted him as a weapon. I think he'd be concerned that they might go after his new friends if he doesn't give them the impression that he's under their command.
So he joined, hoping to gain their trust and keep an eye on their activities. Rouge is also in on it, and definitely has hacked into their database to view top secret documents. If they ever find out that GUN is planning another senseless massacre, then Team Dark plans to sabotage it from the inside out.
Not a ShadAmy headcanon specifically, but you could imagine that Shadow would be reluctant to share this information out of fear of being jeopardized. Perhaps it could be used for drama. Have fun writers~!
I really, really like this. Itā€™s my new favorite explanation for something thatā€™s always bothered me about this franchise. Thank you!
It doesnā€™t just make sense objectively, it matches Shadowā€™s experiences perfectly. I often say Shadow would cling to Amy because he knows how easy it is to lose someone, but I love the idea of him taking it in a darker direction, too, picking up on the possibility of another tragedy happening and preemptively taking steps to stop it. I think people see Shadow as rash because heā€™s so extreme in his actions, but that is careful for him. Those arenā€™t mutually exclusive:
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[IDW issues 5 & 6]
Team Dark standing with him is always great, too.
Another thing I like is that it gives Shadow agency. Based on Commander Towerā€™s behavior at the end of ShTH and his actions in Shadow: Dark Beginnings, Sega seems to want us to believe the Commander is a nice guy whoā€™s good buddies with Shadow:
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ā€œShadow, do you read me? First, I...I want to...apologize, for the other day...actually, I just became a grandfather last week, and I was thinking of maybe having you over.ā€
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Commander Tower, probably: ā€œSowwy I twied to shoot you, uwu. Itā€™ll never happen again! šŸ„ŗā€
And, uh...I donā€™t buy that, frankly...but it doesnā€™t seem to me that G.U.N.ā€™s keeping him under their thumb, either. As interesting as that concept would have been, I donā€™t think itā€™s what Segaā€™s going for. It lines up better with canon if Shadowā€™s choosing to stick around for his own ulterior motives. I think having him actively decide to keep G.U.N. close for that reason strengthens his character.
Your headcanon is even stronger now in the wake of Takashi Iizukaā€™s pre-Shadow Generations interview (which happened after this ask was sent, btw), specifically the question at 3:20:
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(Side note: I have so, so many issues with what he says hereā€“no other motivation? None at all?! Youā€™ve got to be kidding me! But thatā€™s a rant for another day.)
This all but confirms that working with them is a choice for Shadow.
It also perfectly demonstrates something that really irks me about Sega: their lack of communication about basic aspects of the charactersā€™ lives. Most fans speculated for what, almost two decades, about whether a main character is employed or not, and Sega just drops it in a random interview? Not even in a game? Itā€™s such basic information, yet they didnā€™t tell us for 19 years. And gee, why would we get that impression?
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[Archie Sonic Universe issue 1]
Itā€™s like even the official writers at Archie thought he was a G.U.N. agent. Sega couldnā€™t be bothered to tell them, let alone us. We donā€™t even know where some of these characters live. Itā€™s kind of silly once you think about it.
Yeah. ā€œSilly.ā€ Letā€™s call it that. šŸ¤Ø
Thanks for the ask!
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sephirthoughts Ā· 3 days ago
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Do I even have to say anything about why I ship them? It just happened, and I still don't know why. XD
Ah, man, I think you can already guess who I'm talking about, but Reeve and that Haunted Hotel Bellhop? That's my weirdest ship so far.
That, or Daraen (Fire Embelm Awakening) and Cloud. For them it's just the vibes. Also, white haired protagonist who's haunted by an ancient evil falling for the blond guy who's haunted by a silver haired new evil is just funny to me. XD
i don't actually know what fire emblem awakening is even so reeve bellhop it is!! šŸ˜‚
This wound up beingā€¦well, pretty much exactly as silly as I expected.
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"Now, Ollie, it's not nice to pull off other people's bandages. No, no, don't put them in yourā€”and they're in her mouth." Benjamin sighed, as he attempted to tug the long strip of cloth out of her hands. "Well now they're all soaked in your baby slime. How am I supposed to put them back on?"
"Pfffbbt bah gah bah!" Ollie argued, flatly refusing to relinquish her interesting new toy.
"Why don't you just leave them off," Nero suggested, from where he was lying on the couch. "Who are you worried about seeing you, here?"
Benjamin opened is mouth to reply, but Reeve and Vincent came downstairs, at that moment.
"Oh, hey, Benjamin," Reeve said, looking surprised. "You're really handsome, without the bandages hiding your face."
"Thank you," Nero answered, at which everyone looked at him. "What? We're identical."
"You're right. You're both very handsome," Reeve chuckled.
Benjamin was already holding Oliie in front of his face, like a human shield, so he didn't see Reeve look over at him, again, as he and Vincent went out the front door.
It was nice of Mr. Tuesti to say he was handsome, but he knew how ugly the blue-black darkness cracks in his face were. He'd scared enough kids and teenagers and full-grown adults to be fully aware of his hideousness, before the age of ten.
The cherry on top of that self-esteem issue sundae was when he'd been deemed too scary looking for the job he'd applied to. The job as a bellhop at the Haunted Hotel. Where part of the gig was literally scaring people.
His friend helped him put together his mummy-bellhop costume, which conveniently featured a lot of facial bandages, and his application was finally approved by management (with the additional caveat that he also had to wear contacts to make his cat-slit pupils appear round).
He didn't resent the bandages, though. They were his armor. People laughed and smiled, when he had them on, rather than averting their eyes or staring in horror. When they screamed, it was because he dropped out of the ceiling and spooked them, on purpose. It felt good to have control over how people react to you, after a lifetime of evoking terror, through no fault of your own.
"I approve," Nero said, apropos of nothing, after Vincent and Mr. Tuesti had gone.
Benjamin looked up. "Huh?"
"Reeve. I approve. You may date him."
"Iā€¦youā€¦heā€¦WHAT??"
"BWAH??" Ollie squawked, mimicking Benjamin's exclamation.
"He obviously likes you. He's a little old but he's hot, and he's a good person. Hence, I approve."
"I don'tā€”Mr. Tuesti doesn't like me like that, are you insane?"
"Legally, clinically, and literally, yes. But that doen't mean I'm blind and stupid. That man is into you. It's a fact."
"What's a fact," Sephiroth asked, as he entered the living room.
"Reeve likes Benny."
"Hm." Sephiroth considered this for a moment. "I approve. You may date him."
Benjamin was absolutely beside himself. "What are youā€”I didn't ask for approval! Or permission! And I'm not dating anyone!!"
At that very moment, the front door opened and Vincent re-entered. Behind him, Reeve popped his head in. "Hey, Benjamin, could I talk to you in private for a sec?"
"Um, sā€”sure, Mr. Tuesti, I'll be right there."
Ollie staunchly hung onto the bandage, and not wanting to risk a tanrum, Benjamin gave up and handed her over to Sephiroth. Ignoring Nero's meaningful look, he followed Reeve out the front door.
Nero turned to Sephiroth. "I'll bet you a hundred gilā€”"
"No wager necessary. It's a certainty."
"Guh guh guh guh," Ollie burbled, cheerfully saturating the bandage with more drool.
Several long minutes passed, then Benjamin returned, and sat down on the floor, where he'd been, as if nothing had happened. Three pairs of eyes stared at him, till he couldn't sit still anymore.
"I'm going to the engineering expo with him, on Saturday, and he's taking me to dinner afterward. Are you happy?"
"Ha! He did ask him out!!" Nero gloated. "You owe me a hundred gil, Sephi!"
Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "I didn't accept the wager, and I agreed with you. Congratulations on your date, Benjamin. I hope you have a lovely time."
"It's not a date!" Benjamin insisted.
"What kind of dorks go on a date at an engineering expo," Nero chortled. "You and Reeve are two peas in a nerd-pod, aren't you."
"But it's just an activity and a meal. That's not a date. Is it?"
"An activity and a meal is generally considered a date, Benjamin," said Vincent, who had reappeared at some point.
"Bahbuh mabaga," Ollie put in sagely, offering Benjamin back his drool-soaked bandage.
"Thanks. I'll justā€¦wash that first."
"If you're too nervous, I'm willing to disguise myself as you and serve as your substitute."
"You giant jackass, who are you gonna fool?" Nero scoffed. "If anyone's going on Benny's date in disguise, I am."
"No one's going on my date in diguise! I meanā€”not date!!"
"What's that? Benny got a date?" Cid's voice called, from the stairwell.
Benjamin sighed, dropping his head despondently into his hands. "Yes. Iā€¦I'm going on a date."
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the werewolf stan is amazing btw thank you
No, thank you!!! In fact, here's more just because you sent this ask (and probably the other one too, I love you)!!!!! More!!!!!!!!
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They are liars <3
Part one is here!! ;P
Part three is here!! 'cause I can't control myself šŸ˜”
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piko-power Ā· 3 months ago
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My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)
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When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.
She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.
She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.
She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.
...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.
Remember this line?
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You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:
Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?
...YEP. šŸ˜ˆ (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)
As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.
She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.
I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.
...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.
I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.
And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.
She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.
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During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.
She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.
But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.
Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.
...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?
But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.
If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.
I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.
She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.
Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.
So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.
She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.
For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.
She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.
But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.
If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.
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But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.
He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.
He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)
She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.
He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.
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Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.
They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.
None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
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Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.
It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.
Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.
She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.
She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...
She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.
I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.
How much he loves her.
And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.
Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.
It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.
She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.
I feel like this moment here...
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-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.
Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.
And it's all thanks to Sonic.
If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.
Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.
He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.
Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.
Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.
They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.
"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
#piko rambles#sonic the hedgehog#amy rose#Meant to be platonic but I don't care if you tag as ship lol#I've been meaning to post something like this for the longest time now but never really got into posting it-#-because you guys REALLY hate seeing these two together for some reason.#Well not for SOME reason. There are valid reasons why you don't ship them. Everyone has valid reason why they don't ship this or that.#But sometimes those reasons can just sound so petty to me. Like the reason why is because Amy is a stalker or Sonic hates her which is FALS#Also those age gap arguments are understandable but so goddamn annoying sometimes. Maybe when they hit their late teens or early twenties-#then they can be together if they want to. Besides a good percentage of Sonic ships are better off if they waited til they're old enough im#I love them regardless of whether they're just friends or an awkward older cringe fail couple lmao#But them being just friends and hiding away all their emotions towards each other just to keep them safe and happy with them- šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­#Son/adow is my favorite ship of all time and sonamy is my favorite childhood ship/platonic ship because they both have one thing in common.#ANGST šŸ˜€#I've been thinking about Sonic and Amy's dynamic as of late and MAN-#Mixed with some personal headcanons of mine and their dynamic as of late just makes me so emotional.#Sonic and Amy have gotten so close now and it's so sweet but so heartbreaking at the same time when you think about it.#I'm so happy they are getting along better and being there for each other but there is so much to dissect here. So much to think about.#I might be a little silly but Amy losing her parents and being alone for so long and being the reason why she's always hanging onto Sonic-#-explains SOOOOOOOOO much about her. At least that's my headcanon for WHY that is.#Amy with abandonment issues speaks to me on a personal level. I'm always afraid of being forgotten or left behind by my family.#I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough no matter how hard I try. I do not blame Amy. I relate to her a lot. It's one of the many reasons#-why Amy is my favorite character besides Sonic and Shadow.#She fights hard to prove she's a valuable member of the team and hates getting left behind but despite all that she wasn't afraid to-#-express herself and her love for people. But after the Eggman War there was some changes that made her less expressive about her love.#Yeah she still loves Sonic but she doesn't admit it because none of that matters anymore and she thought that not being loved by Sonic#-is better than being loved since she nearly wasted her life loving someone who she thought has constantly bothered. šŸ„²#But I think after TMoStH I think she'll be less afraid of being expressive about it. She and Sonic are just so caring for each other šŸ˜­#I love these two way too much that when I think about them for too long I'll start SOBBING šŸ˜­šŸ˜­ I'M EVEN SOBBING RIGHT NOW LMAO
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kit-williams Ā· 3 months ago
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Anrir Husbandry
Husbandry tags: @egrets-not-regrets @liar-anubiass-blog @barn-anon @bleedingichorhearts @gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan
@ms--lobotomy @nekotaetae @sleepyfan-blog @c-u-c-koo-4-40k @the-raven-lady
@bispecsual
Edit: forgot to thank @justahuman1757 for help with some of the translations and other help
Song on repeat: Cradles by Sub Urban (also most of the remixes for this SLAP)
tw: smut, yandere, obsessive behavior, manipulation
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Anrir cooed at the little human in his arms finishing up singing them back to sleep Š·Š½Ń–ŃˆŃ‡Ń‹Ń†ŃŒ.... Š·Š½Ń–ŃˆŃ‡Ń‹Ń†ŃŒ... His voice carried low and softly. It was naptime... they needed to sleep as it was good for them of course they didn't seem to realize that. His long back hair was tied back into a slightly messy bun as his nearly completely black eyes dart around the pastel colored room just looking for anything wrong. His Dragă wanted to work with children in childcare and perhaps it took a couple of years to get here since he had first found her.
She was so much happier since he had first found her... happy about their bond... no more worry in her eyes... no more stress making her hands tremble or her loosing sleep... no more worrying about her next meal or if her car were to break... no more crying... well no more senseless crying. He puts the child down looking around at the sleeping forms but he cant help but grin as this really was all possible because of him, Anrir purrs softly at the satisfaction of how well he has done his job... and how he has covered his trail...
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5 years prior
Anrir was a drifter... he drifted around as he had yet to find his own bonded, which given how some legions seemed to be more inclined to get a bond; with Night Lords being one of the ones with very few "feral" Astartes it was only a matter of time before Anrir would find his. But Anrir in all definitions was a feral Astartes having been unbonded since he arrived forty years ago. However, it was fine as Anrir hadn't spent that time just moping about he spent a majority of his time politicking and reuniting with other Terran Night Lords long dead and of course reuniting with those who were under his knife when they were aspirants and scouts which he affectionately called them his kids.
He was also using this time to take a break, a forced break, from running his warband; not that he could run it right now anyway. But he would mull over plans for when he returned back to his time period... if he did was another thought. His eyes moved up to the sky as he could smell the water gathering in the air. Which meant that the group he was with would start a debate on if they were going to settle down or continue on despite the weather. He did not care too much and decided to wander off to look around at where they were.
He walked out of the tree covering that the group was skulking through as he looked at the abandoned parking lot he had walked out into. It was rotting away neglected and abandoned as the painted lines were faded and practically gone, the pavement was cracked with plants growing through cracks; with the asphalt under his feet turning to gravel as plants come to reclaim this section of human infrastructure. And Anrir... he savored this reclamation of nature and decay of it all. Compared to the prison pit he was born into on the other side of the globe; he had already made his pilgrimage to the eventual site of his birth... a town full of people whose existence was never known as a great chasm of the guilty was there.
But that dark pit in the ground was not there now... there were no babies being born in that dark hellhole... his neck tattoo had a phantom itch as he is reminded why it was put on his neck... as he is reminded that at some point he was truly innocent... he is reminded of the hand gently petting his head... the soft voice cooing at him telling him how brave he was being... as he remembers having tears in his eyes as the ink is shoved into his skin... he gently starts to suffocate the memories of a child long gone and a woman paradoxically long dead and yet had yet to be born. His eyes flick to the far side of the quiet parking lot as a car just sits in the dark. The only other thing in this lot, far from the flickering road light... he could hear the annoying buzz of the light as it flickered... the flick... flick... flick... as it finally goes out. He moves with soft steps towards the vehicle as the summer insects scream their sonorous songs it was almost overstimulating for some of his brothers with how alive this planet felt with no foe to focus down on. Anrir felt his gums itch like he craved an oral inhalant and the way the hair on the back of his neck rose as he wandered closer not giving into the craving.
Anrir had seen many homeless humans both back in his own time and here. His eyes looked through the windows of the car seeing how it was lived in, he could hear the soft breathing akin to how someone was asleep... the slow beat of a heart was barely audible to him as the insects continued to scream their songs. There was nothing special about what he saw as it was a baseline female just buried under an assortment of clothes, a towel, a jacket, and some blanket... a bucket with a strainer lid to collect the impending rain... he chuckled at the cleverness but he understood the need to just survive. He turned to walk back to the others but something rooted him in place. He could practically taste the misery mixing with the rain. His throat tightened as it silently moved in foreign ways but he knew what he was trying to do... to mimic the noises they make at humans.
He lets out a dark chuckle as they were right... it really was something that he would know when it happened. Worry soon festered in his gut as his eyes roamed over her vehicle and while he hardly knew about how it worked he could see the signs of disrepair. His nose wrinkled for a moment as he unclipped his helmet from his hip, slipping it over his head as the rain finally let loose. He listened to the rain slap against the metal roof of the car, the way she moved inside her comfortable cocoon for a moment, and the way water was gathering in the bucket... Anrir had to do something.
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You did your best to ignore the Night Lord that was hanging around. Affectionate bastards you were told as you remember those videos of just them being friendly. You shiver at the memory of that one gang member who thought he was so big... being homeless you quickly learned how sleeping near warbands meant that you had to ignore certain things... certain sounds especially at night. Astartes always scared you... you couldn't point to any incident that had happened involving them just that you got bad feelings from them... a certain type of dread. So it wasn't exactly like a fear of dogs but the way they looked and acted they were so human... why were they here... you make yourself look smaller as the Night Lord with what looked like a metal spider on his back sat next to you.
You hear him coo and trill at you trying to get your attention, his head tilting slightly as you could hear the slightly distorted trill to his voice from his helmet, and you did your best to ignore him. Eventually he did leave you alone and you had hoped that would be the last you saw him. But, every day for the next week he kept finding you... he would click and coo at you beckoning you closer with those armored claws of his. It was the last day in the week that you broke and approached him as you chose to fill your car with gas over eating and he had shown up with food. You feel tears gather with each bite as he trills down at you and you feel him hold you close... you hear his purr... you've seen this display online it was a bonding display. You do your best to not choak on the hot food as you can feel tears gather in the corner of your eyes, really the last thing you want is an Astartes bonding to you.
You feel the Astartis petting your head as you eat, trilling at you and you're certain if he wasn't in armor he would be purring. When you look up at him miserably he coos at you trying to sooth the clear distress you were in. His hands flexing each time you try to pull away from him, "You don't want me to be your bonded buddy," You finally speak up and that just breaks something in you and you feel those heavy tears roll down your cheeks even as you try to use the heel of your palm to rub your eyes clean they still fall, "I can't give you anything." Your voice cracks as you admit that.
Anrir sat there silently as you tried to reject the bondā€¦ he could feel it fraying at the edges like a lighter had been taken to it. But Anrir was calm even as his entire existence seemed to reel on its axis as you try to push it away. Your voice cracking gave way to the tears that ran down your face, his black eyes darting over your face as baselines crying was familiar to him given what he was but it felt so differentā€¦ so wrong. Why are you letting her cry Anrir? A soft voice in the back of his mind seems to say. He could feel it fray more and moreā€¦ but Anrir was aware that when a bond fraysā€¦ it never attaches back normally. There was also a small high for him as would this be how he tasted death? Not after millennia of being alive just some mortal woman would be the death of him? He would have laughed if it actually broke but he pulled her against him and you did not make the effort to pull awayā€¦ and so the bond repairs wrong. He did not need anything from you except you.Ā 
How you lean against him trying to hide away. So he was okay if you couldnā€™t give him anything now. He didnā€™t expect you to give him anything in the first placeā€¦ but a wicked thought plants itself in his mind. Perhaps it was old fashionedā€¦ after all he watched the radical social changes in a mere 40 years and yet like always the Astartes remained unchanged. Butā€¦ why couldnā€™t he provide for you? Anrir was a capable Astartes and he did not survive this long by chance but memories flicker by of how generous others were towards their humans. He grinned darkly as he could recognize the signs nowā€¦ ohā€¦ he had intensely bonded to youā€¦ he had read the manuals and grimoires both in person and on the noosphereā€¦ he had helped write some of those tooā€¦ so he knew what to look for in terms of side effects and was filing away mental notes about his deviances. And as much as he wanted to act on those feelings Anrir was patient, he was an Apothacarion after all, and his Dragă needed to be taken care of. He purrs and chirps at her to calm her down and gets her to finish her meal.
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Thrones, credits, souls, cashā€¦ it was annoying dealing with baselines as most societies revolved around needing a good or currency for things and this was not their reality or time period where refusing an Astartes was suicidal. He noted his lack of desire to skin the man yelling at his Dragă to get him to stop ā€œloiteringā€. But he, like most Astartes, relied on each other and the complex network and ecosystem they built like a parasite on the infrastructure of what was already there or was it the other way around? The Iron Warriors and Imperial Fists would say they laid out efficient infrastructureā€¦ but he found resources; since it was no longer allowed to simply take humans as serfs anymore and just have them live in a base full timeā€¦ not that the Night Lords had one yet. It would be a few more years till the base was operational and that would be a mustering point for most Night Lords in the area. But Anrir noted how jumpy his precious Dragă got at the idea of getting help from Salamanders or staying in a shelter; he was fine with her choice. He wrinkled his nose as her car was falling apart and he couldnā€™t fit in it and him being a Night Lord did not help his goal of getting money. However, Anrir had a long reputation having worked in the Consortium with Bile too being a prominent figure in his legionā€™s hierarchy, no matter how much he tried to stay out of the politicking, so when the Alpharii approached him he wasnā€™t too surprised.Ā 
There were treaties and edicts that any Astartes had to agree to if they wanted to stay near the humans. Besides the obvious of not killing any humans; which before Anrir was bonded was a surprisingly hard ask, but they were not allowed to mettle with them. Technology was to be kept away from them at all costs, no extending their life spans, no augmetics beyond simple necessary prosthetics, and a few others. It all made sense as it was clear they were not ready at all for the horrors of the wider galaxyā€¦ no they would not play a hand into accidentally smothering humanity in the cradle because they helped them reach the stars earlier than they were ready for. But just like how human killers existedā€¦ and Night Lord trafficker Hunts happenedā€¦ there was always some bending and breaking of these rules.
The Alpharii couldnā€™t help mettle in the affairs of the baselines, it was their legionā€™s expertise, they were information brokers and information hidersā€¦ they modified records to hide the sudden birth of a child from a woman and a Astartesā€¦ to all the way of covering up when forbidden technology falls into the hands of baselines and there needs to be a raid. They had their fingers in many pies as the saying goesā€¦ and Anrir could not play the moral high ground for their request. They werenā€™t supposed to extend the baselines livesā€¦ there was the crude method of giving them a transfusion of Astartes blood and hope they survive all the way to getting the chemicals and components needed for rejuvenation treatments. The latter took time to get what they needed as they could only synthesis so much being limited to what was only on this one planet; and it was hard to keep the Iron Hands from getting eager in ā€œhelpingā€ them be able to colonize the Sol system.Ā 
Butā€¦ Anrir looked down at the old corrupt man. Such greedy creatures humans could be and Anrir could never be like his kin who were able to see themselves as being above humanityā€¦ Anrir was far too aware of his own humanity and also his own lack of humanity too. ā€œHow do I know it will work?ā€ The old man interrupts Anrirā€™s explanation of what he will be doing in transplanting his heart, ā€œYou could be someā€¦ con artist.ā€ He says with malice in his frail voice.
Anrir never liked noblesā€¦ and he was always surprised at howā€¦ self important they could be. His smooth voice answers the question before one of the Alpharii can speak, ā€œMy reputation,ā€ He had asked the Alpharii before this and he was not bonded to any of themā€¦ he was very much a pawn that the Alpharii werenā€™t ready to loose yet, ā€œyourā€¦ companions wouldnā€™t have gotten me if they doubted my skills. The heart is made for you so there is no chance of rejection.ā€ He says truthfully as it was child's play growing the organ for him.
Anrir voxes one of the Alpharii, ā€œAs for my payment for this?ā€ He hisses letting his displeasure bleed through as how dare he speak to Anrir in such a way.
ā€œEverything is set up in ways that wonā€™t tip off the government officials to the sudden influx of wealth. And conveniently set up so that if you choose to help us againā€¦ā€Ā 
Anrir waved his armored hand over his shoulder as his medical mechadendrites unfolded like a spider on his back, ā€œYes yes you lot have me for several surgeries,ā€ He goes through the process of setting everything for fine movements and working on humans, ā€œBut please be aware should anything go wrong in the payments that I can be quite spiteful.ā€ He threatens and enjoys the place of power he is able to come from given how specialists are in such short supplies here and he is certain there is only one other Consortium member on the planetā€¦ he knows his expertise is invaluable he is certain he is on many lists to be kept alive.
ā€œOf course Anrir.ā€ Is all one says and that was good enough as Anrir headed into the prepared room.
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You were happy that Anrir returned as he did keep you safe and maybe you were feeling those good vibes that people always say they get around Astartes. But now? You looked at what was holding out to you with apprehension. Youā€™re sure that it was a thousand dollars in his hand and you felt hesitant to take it from him as no one just gives people money and not expecting something backā€¦ your spine crawls at a memoryā€¦ He just sighs looking at you passively and perhaps a little annoyed, ā€œDragă. Go get your car looked at and get it fixed.ā€ He says and you take the money from him as your AC had died and youā€™re certain that also meant your heating was goneā€¦ ā€œUnless,ā€ Your eyes returned to his face as your eyes picked up the bit of white at the roots of his sideburns, ā€œYou want to get a bigger vehicle?ā€
ā€œBut I canā€™t-ā€ You start.
ā€œDonā€™t worry about money for a second Dragă.ā€ He says putting his hands on your shoulders.
You squirm under his gaze as you considered rejecting it as Anrir gave you such feelings that there was something else he was afterā€¦ then again you never felt truly comfortable around Astartesā€¦ always a lingering sense of dread butā€¦ ā€œMaybeā€¦ maybe we get something you can fit in as well. Wouldnā€™t that be nice?ā€ You say softly as youā€™re certain those cars are far beyond what you can afford and from what you heard basically never break down.Ā 
You hold your breath for a moment as Anrir cups your face, you could hear him trill at you, as he grinned down at you with a smile that youā€™re certain the devil himself would envy, ā€œWhat a thoughtful Dragă.ā€ Was all he cooed at you.
After that, with much fussing from him, he made you use the money to stay in a motel for a week and you donā€™t remember when the last time you ate so much food. Anrir in the meanwhile took care of things. You were torn on letting him do such as wasnā€™t this the reason you had a fallout with your family? Your hands shake at the memoriesā€¦ he ruined your life. Yet while youā€™re certain Anrir is doing the same thingā€¦ it feels different. Anrir only suggested what you use the money for never using it to tell you what to doā€¦ Anrir confused you but you took comfort in the thought that he wanted something from you that he could get at your absolute lowestā€¦ everyone says bonds are precious things so maybe you should trust him more.
Anrir makes sure he always has enough money on him as he was making sure that there was a positive association in your mind that he was able to provide for you. The fuss you made when he got the car customized so that you could live out of it as long as you wanted, he hopped it wouldnā€™t be much longer, but it was your choice and all he could do was nudge his Dragă. The excitement he felt rush up his spine when he heard you say ā€œAnrirā€ in a specific toneā€¦ a tone he associated with his Dragă needing somethingā€¦ Dragă needed him to provide. Sometimes you were like a skittish animal only staying for the exchange but sometimes you lingered like an animal and he could get what he wanted from you too. He felt that dopamine rush as you tolerated his touches, the joy he felt when you let him cup your face, how loudly he purred as you let him nuzzle you, petting your head, or rubbing your back. He could still see the hesitation in your eyesā€¦ he could tell you werenā€™t as (warp blind) (bond blind) as other humans were and Anrir is fine with that in fact it made this all the more enjoyable for him.
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Winter always comes too soon and once again Anrir brings up places you can stay over the colder months and as hard as you try you still canā€™t get rid of the feelings that if you acquiesce he will want something. Anrir himself is disappointed that you wont ask him for much more; he does use winter to get something he does want. He finally gets to hold you for as long as he wants, usually your whole sleep cycle. Heā€™s slept in far worse spots and just being a little cramped is hardly anywhere near the list of worst rests he has had. He purrs loudly as youā€™re glued to his side or his chest at night. Cooing to you as you drift off each night with a full belly in his arms. Its hard not to drift off with how he purrs and the rhythmic beating of his twin heartsā€¦ this feels like itā€™s going to be an easy winter for once so of course you get sick as a dog.
ā€œPoor Dragă.ā€ Anrirā€™s voice breaks you through your sick haze as the chills donā€™t help but Anrir being so warm helps. ā€œI know you wonā€™t like this suggestion but as a health specialist I do recommend that perhaps it is time for you to live inside more regularly again?ā€ You can barely hear the quiet engine over the Heater going, Anrir not allowing you to fuss about anything right now once more saying he had it under control, ā€œArata mizerabil... (Miserable lookingā€¦)ā€ He says in Nostroman letting his tongue click as you bury yourself closer to his chest, feeling those ports dig into your skin, ā€œAt least something temporary, yes?ā€ He says sounding a little worried, ā€œWouldnā€™t that be nice? A temporary place to stay till you find what you want to do?ā€
ā€œDaycare.ā€ You croak out.
ā€œHmm?ā€ Anrir looks down at you cocking his head to the side surprised you answered him.Ā 
ā€œI want to take care of kids. I like taking care of kids. Donā€™t know whyā€¦ so I want to start a daycare.ā€ You say but you soon get weepy, ā€œBut who is going to let me do that. Look at me! Iā€™m living in my car running away from my family and I canā€™t -ā€ You stop your distressed rant as you cough and your nose plugs up again making it hard for you to breath and you canā€™t help but squirm in Anrirā€™s grip.
ā€œShh Dragă, Iā€™ll take care ofĀ  you.ā€ Anrir says softly a uncharacteristic gentleness in his voice you werenā€™t expecting from a Night Lord, ā€œYou donā€™t need to worry anymore, Dragă.ā€ Again itā€™s a soft and warmth to his voice you didnā€™t know he could have, ā€œDo you trust me?ā€ He asks in a tone you have trouble reading.Ā 
Bonds are supposed to be good thingsā€¦ thatā€™s what everyone saysā€¦ you have a companion for lifeā€¦ and you can tell that they get so much out of what we give them as they were clearly made for something far more violent. Butā€¦ did you trust Anrir. Noā€¦ you did not trust him as that feeling never goes awayā€¦ ā€œWhat do you want Anrir?ā€ You finally say after a minute of silence.
ā€œYou, Dragă.ā€ Anrir says quickly breathlessly.
Again you lay there silently thinkingā€¦ you didnā€™t know what he wantedā€¦ was it really just being with you? Youā€™ve been with him for months at this point and you couldnā€™t figure out what he wanted. You did research on bonds from what little you could find and everything kept coming back to just wanting to keep their bonded alive and safe. You were scared to let someone in your safe little world but you were so tired of keeping everything so tight to your chest. Maybe it was because you were sick but you nod and let out a heavy sigh softly saying, ā€œI trust you Anrir.ā€
His reaction was immediate as he pressed his cheek to yours and you could feel the purring in your teeth as it was so loud, your finger bones felt like they were vibrating, but you didnā€™t feel the quick kisses that he leaves on your skin. You whimper at the sudden affection. It was anrirā€™s quirk as he was odd with his affection as whenever you would seek him out for affection he would smother you in his affection but you were okay with it because it was on your termsā€¦ your gut wouldnā€™t stop at the feeling that sometimes it was on his terms luring you inā€¦ He presses a kiss to your forehead trilling, his accent thick, ā€œI donā€™t want you to worry any more my Dragă. I will take care of everything.ā€ His black eyes seem to glitter in delight as he makes his declaration. And you just let go of that tension a bit more.
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You donā€™t know how Anrir found this place, it had a horribly short lease but you knew that it was just to get you out of the weatherā€¦ youā€™re certain this place wasnā€™t built for Astartes in mind so usually that meant they werenā€™t allowed. You guessed that the landlord looked the other way if said Astartes was paying in cash.Ā It was small and cramped... but it was warm and you could store more than just a bit of food. You were sitting in the tub as Anrir sat on the side shirtless as his hands were massaging shampoo into your hair. You didn't need help with your hair but that didn't stop you from leaning into his hands as he helped you feel clean.
Anrir chuckled at your gentle groaning and moaning as it was clear you were enjoying yourself. He enjoyed helping you feel this way helping you clean and take care of you in this small way... he shivered as he was cleaning his Dragă... he wrapped his Dragă in a nice fluffy towel... he carried his Dragă to the bedroom and savored the laugh that left your mouth as he just tossed you onto the bed with a bounce.
You just laid there, eyes closed, enjoying yourself... sure there was only one bed which was fine as you had spent most of the winter snuggling up to Anrir in the car, it was not the most comfortable mattress in the world... the apartment was quiet...no it was never quiet not with the thin walls... but Anrir was quiet. You became aware of how you were just laying naked on the bed... alarms were going off in your head as you feel his smooth hands run over your knees, feeling his thumbs push into the side as he spreads your legs open slowly. This wasn't normal... and yet this felt like what everything was building up too... but you were always told that bonds were selfless things, right?
Your skin trembles as his hands move over your drying flesh, your breathing shivers, you can feel the bed shift as Anrir climbs onto it. Your throat bobs as you swallow the nervous energy but your eyes open as you feel the bare skin of his legs as he had divested himself of his pants. Anrir's silent still as he presses his scarred lips against your cheek, his body leaning over yours as he settles between your legs, and you feel his hand move to your chin to slowly turn you to meet him. His lips dragging against your flesh as the scarred flesh presses against your own lips. You were close enough that you could tell that his eyes were not fully black... you could see the dark blue of his iris darting with micromovements as he took in your face. But, you could see the predator in his eyes... but it was something more the term hyper-predator comes to mind because what monsters would someone like Anrir need to hunt?
Anrir presses his mouth to yours more and you close your eyes allowing the kiss to deepen. Anrir had been nothing but good to you... but you worry... would he use this against you? You desperately hope that he wouldn't. "Mina..." His voice rumbles like thunder as his hands drag across your flesh in a way that feels dominant and possessive. You can't stop the shuddering moan that leaves your mouth as his mouth moves against the front of your neck, licking the way your throat moves in its swallowing motion. "Toate ale meleā€¦ (All mine...)" He says whispering to you in a language that you don't know, "Fiecare parte din tineā€¦ toată a meaā€¦ trupul și sufletul tău. (Every part of you... all mine... your body and your soul.)" He says again as Anrir presses his cock against your entrance. His mouth continuing its worship of your neck and chin as you open your eyes slightly and just watch Anrir with lidded eyes. He cups your face as his tongue presses hard on your lower lip before pushing his tongue back into your mouth just kissing you hard.
You knew you had fringe thoughts about Astartes... Anrir was just proving to you one thing... that they were far too human to ignore. Far too human and far too predatory... you could never get that feel good emotion from Anrir... from any Astartes really. They were all predators... they were man made monsters made to fight monsters that you didn't know would exist beyond the silver screen of Hollywood or the writings of horror writers. He pulls his mouth away trilling at you and pausing when he sees the look on your face. You were looking at a predator looking at prey a malicious looking thing that tried to play the part of a friendly thing... a wolf playing the role of a dog. "Anrir."
"Yes Dragă." He says as a hand cups your face.
"What do you want?" You again ask... because... you don't think he's lying about the bond but this wasn't normal? You felt everything rushing anxiously to a point.
"You, Dragă." He says devotedly.
You were tired... so tired of being on your own for years before Anrir came. Oh how much Anrir had helped beyond just the money he gave you and the food... just being here... even if it was wrong... even if... you were so tired. You pull Anrir into a kiss as you didn't want to think anymore! You didn't want to worry any more... you whimper as Anrir just purrs loudly as you decide to let Anrir take care of it... take care of you... just for today you tell yourself as you melt into the embrace.
You feel the slight discomforting sensation of your walls spreading open as his cock slowly pushes in. When it becomes too much your hand or foot pushes against his chest which makes him stop till your brow stops furrowing and you for him to continue. This continues until his hips are flush with yours and Anrir hisses in delight, "AtĆ¢t de strĆ¢ns atĆ¢t de bine cu mineā€¦ draga meaā€¦ a mea. (So tight so good to me... my dear... mine.)" You once more don't understand him but you decide to not worry about it as he starts moving. Your thighs burn slightly at the stretch to have them spread open wide for Anrir to thrust into you. Your eyes close as you focus on the feeling and enjoy that he doesn't ask you to look at him but that doesn't stop him from talking, "Mă simți fată frumoasă? (Do you feel me pretty girl?)" He trills in that unknown tongue, "Te concentrezi pe penisul meu din interiorul tău? (Are you focused on my cock inside of you?)" He asks something else perhaps not realizing or caring that you don't understand him.
He picks up the pace as he pants down at you and you just yowl and moan in pleasure. Porn making everything feel so fake when real sex sounds so unsexy at times but you had no need to make things sound sexy or be perfect. You could hear Anrir chuckle at an unflattering noise you make as he slams his hips into yours again making you repeat it. Eventually things feel tighter and more anxious as Anrir tilts you slightly so his cock pushes into you at a downward angle and you just laugh at the unflattering squeak and squawk that you make. Anrir laughs with you at all those weird and all those distinctively you vocalizations but you just don't care as no one is telling you that you're being unappealing... you throw your head back and arch up as you earned the right to not worry. You moan loudly moaning his name as you feel so good! You earned this reward! You deserve this... you deserve to just let go... you orgasm with little fan fair... just a simple gasp.
You feel so good... everything feels so good as Anrir continues to chase his release, the feeling of a bed against your back, the fuzzy climbdown from an orgasm, the oily drop of sweat from Anrir that lands on your shoulder, and the comforting stutter from him that stutter causes you to open your eyes to watch his brow furrow and you watch how surprisingly expressive he gets as he cums.
The apartment is mostly quiet... as quiet as you can get with thin walls... you lay there with him not thinking about anything... not thinking as you feel his cock softening against your inner thigh. He lets out a loud breath as he lays back in bed in his spot as you meanwhile are pushing away the worry about the consequences of sleeping with Anrir. You cuddle against his side, his arm wrapping around you, you feel the cum ooze out of you ... you're still tired of thinking... you're so tired of it... so tired of worrying why and what Anrir was doing for money... You put your head against his chest over his hearts ignoring the discomfort of the ports against your face... you just listen to the way his hearts beat.
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Present day
You were in a much better spot than when you were a couple of years ago... you actually came into money, no it wasn't a rich distant relative dying but it was another person you had camped with when you were homeless. They had actually won the lottery and were being smart with it, which you think was more so their Ultramarine had helped in making smart choices. Though you had your suspicions... the Alpharii... a few seem to come by every few months some to coo at the kids, eager to find a bonded, and some to talk with Anrir as you watched them take containers from your home. But being given money you sudden just kept finding yourself with more money and it was stupid how much money you got after investing some of it... you didn't want to question it and Anrir was very good at distracting you.
Oh speaking of Anrir... he got you so many gifts. He would still give you random bouts of cash but he was finally acting more and more like how a bonded Astartis is supposed to act. You also were seeing how talented he was with his hands as besides his occupation you discovered his macabre hobby that all Night Lords seem to have... bone scrimshawing and taxidermy. You could point out all the time that he acted like a normal bonded Astartis and yet at the same time... how many gestures were more. You got outfits, jewelry, wines, your current house, and hell even your job you know he had a hand in financing... it spiraled out of control with his gifts that your friends noticed and asked who your 'sugar daddy' was or rather if he had any friends.
You smile warmly and wave goodbye as the last child finally gets picked up. You head back inside letting out a soft exhale and start picking up the room not getting very far into cleaning up when Anrir wraps his arms around you and purrs into your shoulder... purring into where he tattooed you years ago. You feel him give a playful tug onto the choker collar that he made for you, expensive thing and you know he liked you wearing it. You were lucky that no one asked you what Anrir was... everyone just assumed he was a Raven Guard...
"I can smell your worry Dragă." He says nipping your earlobe.
"I'm just tired Anrir."
"Then lets go home." He kisses your cheek.
"But I have stuff to pick up-"
"And this is why we hire others to clean," He says gentle cocking his head to the side, "You're worried about something." Anrir takes the toy from your hands as you pick at the seams.
You let out a heavy sigh bringing your thumb to your lips, "I'm just scared everything is about to go wrong." Anrir takes your hand to stop you from biting your nails.
"And if it does... I will take care of it." Anrir says with such certainty and authority that makes you believe him.
The breath in your chest you let out with a heavy sigh, "Okay." You nod.
He tugs on your choker bringing you close for a kiss as he trills softly, "I will always take care of you my frumoasă dragă (beautiful darling)." And you chose to believe it.
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overnightheartbeats Ā· 30 minutes ago
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"Is that a complaint I hear?" The playful gleam in her eyes in plain view as she looked at him. "And, here I thought you liked it when I don't behave." Her laugh rung out from her chest, no disagreeing there. Babygirl was indeed their proof. ā€œSheā€™s going to have so much family, she wonā€™t even know where to start. Plus, her first cousin too. Imagine if they're also best friends." Like her and Juju. Hopeful, maybe. "Well, considering the badge is collecting dust somewhere on my desk, we'd be out of luck. So, no sexy rebel for you."
His question made her head turn quickly to look at him. Had she not mentioned that earlier? And, just like that, she was caressing the side of his face, her fingertips brushing against the scruff. "One hundred percent, two hundred percent even. Way too sexy, honestly it's a shock that you leave the house looking like this." Because, truly, Laurel surprised herself for letting him go each day. "With those bright eyes," her fingertips brushing his brow ridge. "Hm, and this scruff you have going. Your soft smile too. That's been sexy from day one." Laurel knew how much he liked details, and eagerly, she provided. She only nodded in response, feeling more confident in this situation's eventual resolution. It was a given that Isaac had a lot on his plate with his ex looming and Nettie's safety being compromised. That's also why she knew that pushing him now about something that happened some time ago probably wouldn't garner the best reaction. But, Eli and Isaac had been through a lot together, that much she knew. Laurel listened to the full name, how easily it flowed from his lips. Rosaline Phillips Thorn. It sounded beautiful, it fit perfectly. "It does...yes, I agree. I love it." If she wasn't so comfortable here, she could've jumped in the air with excitement. "And, she keeps her Rosebud nickname? Double bonus. Only took us this many months," she teased, knowing they had exhausted every other name book. Laurel laughed completely amused as the sight was drawn in her mind. Eli arm wrestling Juju for it, because no way she was giving up that name. "Right? It would go with our names too. Hm, you arm wrestle Juju, and I'll take Aaron," words said in between laughs, how silly it sounded.
"True, it's okay. I'm not in a rush to tell them. I like that it's just between us." Much like their promise to be life partners, before marriage even came to mind. "I'm sure the time will come up. You're giving me the convincing job? Oh, tough one." Though, perhaps less impossible. Emma had asked a few questions about how they like living here, though she hadn't mentioned to him yet. "Rosebud might be the extra push they need to move, especially now that Isaac is also settling into Texas more permanently. I think you guys would love to have them closer to home. Yes, let's bring it up casually and see what they think."
Her eyes might've been sparkling thinking of the soft tiramisu from that restaurant. But, she was definitely getting sidetracked, so Laurel shook her head and brought her attention back to him. Though, another opportunity for distraction presented itself. Words failed her as he licked the cinnamon sugar from his lips, that wasn't fair. "Huh? Oh, yes the phone number." She took his phone, and her smile instantly widened. His background, their picture from the pier. Seemed like forever ago. Quickly unlocking his phone, she smiled triumphantly. "Yup, you have the number right here. Okay, I'll give them a call. Do you think eight o'clock is okay?"
Laurel glanced down to the small piece of churro, "yeah I think I'm done." His yawn did not go unnoticed, leaning against his head slightly. "It's been a long day babe, makes sense. I'm glad too, because you need to rest. Maybe an early night for us, after dinner? I'm sure Emma has tons of plans already for tomorrow, so we'll need the extra sleep."
With that, she pressed the dial button and brought his phone to her ear to make the dinner reservation for five. Requesting a table outdoors, enjoying the Texas warmth while they still had it. "Okay, we're all confirmed. Should we go see what your siblings are up to?"
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"When?" Eli asked on the verge of a laughing fit. "Have you ever behaved? Pretty sure baby girl there is proof neither of us can behave." True in their nature there were more moments where they misbehaved than actually behaved and that made him laugh. "One thing is for sure she won't be alone." Whether that was because of found cousins or not their daughter was not going to know what it was like not to feel loved. "The badge? Oh you're a sexy rebel. Let's keep your record untouched. Don't want our kid to judge you."
And I love you would never get old. He would always love hearing it come from her. The way she loved him even down to the fragments made him feel lucky that she had stuck around for the ups and downs. "Has it made me sexier though," he asked, a playful smile gracing his lips. "Thanks for the vote of confidence baby." He'd forgive Issac he knew it. Laurel knew it and deep down even Issac knew it. Their bond was just too strong to be broken by a deep misunderstanding. The guy saw past the nerdy comic book era and still welcomed him into his space. That would never not count for something. Rosaline made his head turn to her and a soft smile flashed across his features. "Rosaline Phillips Thorn." He liked the name and how well it flowed. A wide grin overtook him as he laughed. "I think that's it. That's her name. Nickname we can keep as Rosebud. But oh my god we did it. She's not nameless anymore." He made a zipped lip gesture and nodded as he waited for her to drop the name and once he heard it he smiled. "Aurora. Well hot damn I like that one too. Do you think we can arm wrestle her for it?" Eli teased knowing full well he was wise not to fuck with juju.
"Things keep getting in the way , but it also wouldn't be us if our good news didn't keep being sidelined one way or another. We'll tell them before they leave. Maybe you can convince them to stay and move." Wishful thinking on his part but also not impossible. With a niece on the way, Inez and Emma would have an excuse to not be so far away. "I do think so. Isa would have his entire family in one place and he wouldn't have to travel back and forth. I'd love them to be closer. Maybe we can float the idea at dinner with them?"
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He tried to hide his smile as she got sidetracked with the tiramisu, a regular occurrence the last few months. His sleeve covered his knowing smile as he took a bite of his churro and licked the cinnamon off his lips. "I may have the number on my phone," he made his voice level as he passed her his phone for her to look at. The screen lighting up and showing off a silly picture of themselves at the pier. He had promised he'd change it but he still hadn't gotten around to it. The pass code he knew she knew as it combined all their favorite numbers.
"Are you done with this piece?" he asked as he chewed his own and covered a yawn. "Who would have thought this outing would make me sleepy. Glad I have the day off tomorrow. I don't think I have the energy to be work me walking around at the station."
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they-didnt-last Ā· 4 months ago
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anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??
#okay incoming rant about this series#i read the first book when i was 10 or 11 and i was absolutely obssessed with it. i read it so many times i had the entire story memorized#the issue was that i could not find the rest of the series anywhere. it was either sold out or out of stock#and then i found out that only the first 3 books had been translated into my first language so at that point i kinda gave up on them#anyway#flashforward to a couple of weeks ago#i was re organizing my bookshelf and on the back i found LYKY (is this how y'all are abreviating it??)#and remembred how much i loved it#and since i'm now fluent in english and was stuck at home recovering from a surgery i decided to download the entire series and read it#to find out what the fuck happened afterwards#long story short i read all six books in 4 or 5 days#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since#it's actually so funny how little information we have in the first book#i went all of these years thinking it was mostly a silly series about a boarding school for spies when actually SO MUCH happens afterwards#i can't believe i went all of these years unaware of zach goode's existence#truly character of all time#but also i can't stop thinking about how interesting it would have been if zach had come to hate the circle and his mom during the series#rather than before#make it a true enemies to lovers#and have us witness that portion of his character developement in real time instead of being told about it#like him slowly realizing through cammie and his time at gallagher that maybe what they were doing is wrong#i think it would have been very interesting to read#although let's be real it took me until halfway through book four to trust him and he was fully one of the good guys so..#but yeah i have a lot more to say but these tags are long enough#gallagher girls#okay i just want to add another funny anecdote about my experience with this series#my copy of LYKY has an age warning in the back recomending that readers should be above 13 yo to read it#and i distinctly remember finishing it and thinking the warning was kind of dumb bcs besides a few mentions of death and other heavier topi#nothing really happened#and now i realize it was a warning for the rest of the series not just the first book because jesus fucking chirst everything after
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deoidesign Ā· 6 months ago
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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feroluce Ā· 9 months ago
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Thinking tonight about Caelus, and the nature of his loss and his grief after the Everything that went down in Penacony during 2.0.
Because Acheron, Black Swan, and Misha kind of knew of Firefly, they at least met her, but they didn't like really know her, and Caelus never even got the chance to introduce her to the rest of the Astral Express Crew. The only person who would have talked to her much was Sparkle, who is. Probably not really someone Caelus is interested in grieving with skznmsks
Anyway, all this to say, I like thinking about how alone poor Caelus is in his grief, because he was the only one who knew Firefly. He's the only one really mourning her. There's no one to talk about her with. There's no stories to trade or memories to reminisce with anyone over. It's not as though he knew her for long, but still. No one else knew her at all.
And I love the thought of all of this coming bubbling up, hot and acidic and bitter, during a conversation with Sampo, who Caelus just so happens to run into in the Golden Hour. Poor Sampo is kinda blindsided, he knew shit was going down in Penacony, but yeesh. And he just. Isn't quite sure what to say about it all, because he's never really encountered this before. His feelings about the Masked Fools are...a mixed bag, but he's been a part of them for a very long time, and when you're with a close organization like that, it's hard to feel alone, in grief or otherwise.
So Sampo sits there on their little bench that the two of them have occupied, and he thinks of his old friend April, how she'd died in his arms cackling and spitting her own blood after a heist gone wrong, and how after he'd dragged himself back to the World's End Tavern they'd all held a Fool's Funeral- which is basically just a big party where everyone gets really really drunk and reminisces and toasts the dead and celebrates their life.
He still thinks about her a lot, and he remembers how the time he'd most keenly felt her absence was on Jarilo-VI, the one place where he couldn't talk about her because he couldn't say anything to give himself away as an alien. The Fools still tell stories about her every time he goes back to the Tavern. His first toast of the night is always in her name. Even now, all these years after she'd died, Sampo is still learning new things about her. He's never had to grieve her alone.
Caelus doesn't have any of that.
He might never have that. As they speak, Caelus has no proof that Firefly was even her real name, or if she dreamt with her true appearance. He might not ever find out who she even was.
And just imagining that kind of loneliness hollows out a strange little pit, right behind his sternum, deep between his ribs.
So Sampo claps Caelus' shoulder and offers him a deal. Come find him outside of the dream. He knows a guy who can get them a lot of beer for really cheap-
("Is that guy you and your five finger discounts?" "Whatever do you mean, dear friend, I don't even know the meaning of the phrase, hehee.")
-and they can hole up in a bar or a hotel room or something, and get completely shitcanned. Tell him all about Firefly, tell him everything, and he'll tell Caelus about April and everyone else he's ever lost. Sampo will carry Caelus' memories of Firefly with him, and at least this way, Caelus will be a little less alone in remembering her. And the next time they cross paths, Sampo will be the one to bring her up, and to tell her stories, and Caelus can get to be the one listening. He won't have to be the only person to talk about her anymore.
Caelus rolls his eyes when Sampo avoids another remark about sticky fingers, but...ok, yeah. That sounds good. Nice, even. Thank you. Caelus bumps his shoulder against Sampo's. Sampo bumps back.
(They find each other again the next day, and true to their word, get themselves completely and utterly shitcanned. Caelus talks more than Sampo has ever heard him; every minute detail, every word choice, Firefly's every odd little mannerism and habit. Because Caelus wants to make sure this will outlive him, that even if the Stellaron dwelling within him finally burns him to a crisp and he really does up and kick the bucket, or even, godforbid, if he forgets, he wants to make sure someone remembers her. She deserved that.)
((And it takes quite a while, after that. Caelus doesn't see Sampo again until after everything has settled down. On his last day in Penacony, he finds the guy slinking out of a seedy back alley and all but runs right into him. Sampo happily leads him to some dive bar in an even seedier back alley that Caelus has never even heard of, and Sampo raises his glass. "To Firefly! Who sounds like she probably would have hated me at first, but I would have liked to have met her anyway."
And Caelus stares at him, almost looking startled, long enough that Sampo worries that he's read him wrong and brought this up too soon. He's halfway into planning how to talk himself out of this situation when Caelus finally throws back his head back and laughs, tells him that yeah, Firefly would have politely called him out on every lie he told, and all their conversations would take twice as long with the way Sampo is so full of shit.
And he can see it, the same way he watches and sees through everyone, that Caelus' eyes have a tightness to them, his knuckles are nearly white around the handle of his mug. But he smiles. He hits his glass against Sampo's far too hard and throws it back and gets foam everywhere like he does every time they drink because the guy's about as elegant as a raging bull, but those things don't lessen the genuineness of his smile.
The grief is there, but so is the elation, and those emotions aren't a sliding scale between one or the other. It is all of both and both at once, and that's what contents Sampo enough to throw his own mug back when Caelus makes a toast of his own, "to April!!".))
#caelus#sampo koski#hsr caelus#hsr sampo#sampo & caelus#honkai star rail#hsr#my fics#me a few days ago: my favorite silly little guys uwu#me today: ANGST#honestly I feel like this isn't even a super strong angst though#it's more just. bittersweet? melancholic? something.#I JUST. REALLY LOVE STORIES ABOUT THE NATURE OF GRIEF#and 2.0 laid the groundwork for that beautifully woohoo#I just remembered this probably isn't common knowledge oops but April is the cute red haired girl in Funny Bone#her name was revealed by the creators on twitter. she's named April like April Fools!#anyway I ship it hardcore now thanks bucket boi & studio#but anyway yes I love and adore the loneliness of the trailblazer's loss and grief after 2.0#because we know from Sunday that Firefly is ā€œspiritually deadā€ but the trailblazer wouldn't have that knowledge#and they wouldn't know her identity or about any of her connections to other people#and I love that juxtaposed against Sampo and the possible strange nature of his own grief-#-given how the Masked Fools operate and how they see Elation in everything and everywhere#Sampo is no saint- like at all lol- but I do like him and Caelus getting along and being bros#and I don't think it would be terribly ooc for him to care about someone he sees as a genuine friend#he maybe rarely considers someone a genuine friend. but still dmxjjdjdk#listening to Sam's boss theme as I tag this... have been listening to it a lot ever since I finished 2.0 tbh#it's probably what inspired a lot of this haha#because it does sound strong and intimidating and imposing#but you can hear it#the heartbreak
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prcttylittlebirds Ā· 2 days ago
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ā€œitā€™s a relief. I would very much like to never see a courtroom again. Itā€™s just weird that i can say iā€™m divorced now.ā€ rafael feels like the only word he can use to describe how he is coping with his divorce is relief. He imagine his confessing his feelings for her to be taking negatively, but it probably wouldā€™ve been best to mention that when they werenā€™t in the midst of an argument. He doesnā€™t really know what to say at first. letting her talk and release on her frustrations before he says anything else seems like his best option right now. ā€œ thereā€™s nothing you can really do about chemistryā€¦. iā€™m not expecting you to read my mind, Iā€™m just expressing that it bothers me a bit, and the only reason that it bothered me at the beginning is because i have all these feelings for you and i couldnā€™t really say anything because i was married and youā€™ve very candidly expressed time and time again that you were uncomfortable with the fact that I was married still. i couldnā€™t exactly say anything that would just change that or make the situation less weird. if i said anything before would that have changed your mind?ā€ he sits down on the sleeping bag. if he was going to get scolded he rather be sitting down while it happens. ā€œveeā€” if i still was ļæ¼ in love with livā€” and let me be clear iā€™m notā€” i would be more upset about her having a baby right now with someone else than worrying about who youā€™re talking to on facetime. i begged stefan to give me his spot, just so i can talk to youā€¦ everything with olivia was done before i had these intense feelings for you.ā€ he opens up a little bit more hoping that this will get her to see that he really is all about her. ā€œ you and christopher have more than just chemistry too. iā€™m not just going off of silly theories Iā€™m making up in my head, venus. iā€™ve seen you two kiss in front of meā€¦ iā€™ve heard you speak speak to each otherā€” your ambitions were lowered, but there was still things that you were saying to him and that he was saying to you that made me think a little harder. itā€™s more than just you being attracted to him.ā€ he sighs, hoping she really hears him. ā€œyou both have more in common than you and i do. when i talk about how i grew up and stuff, i can tell you feel a way about that. especially today when i was talking about the cabin idea i was only thinking about space-wiseā€¦ and i know you guys joke around about how i canā€™t cook and stuffā€¦ and itā€™s funny, but when you put it into a different context, itā€™s not funny anymore. yā€™know? i canā€™t help but worry about stuff like that when it comes to christopher.ā€ raf hates that the camping trip is starting out like this. ā€œ this is not how i wanted tonight to goā€¦ i wasnā€™t supposed to say i liked you so soonā€¦ i had a speech planned.ā€
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rafael knows that venus wouldnā€™t let him sleep outside in the pouring rain, but he also doesnā€™t know how this conversation is going to go. thereā€™s no time for nerves. ā€œchris bothers meā€¦ i didnā€™t wanna stand there and listen to you talk to your ex about how he wants to cook for you and whatever else. i wasnā€™t really tuned in to your conversation after a certain point.ā€ why couldnā€™t she see that he has fallen head over heels for her? itā€™s clear now that he has to verbally say to her as soon as he possibly can manage to get it out. His reaction to chris is the direct tie to his feelings for her, if only she could understand thatā€¦ see that, maybe everything will be easier for them. ā€œi had things to tell you that i couldnā€™t tell you yet because I wasnā€™t divorced yet and i didnā€™t want to say anything before then, thatā€™s why there wasnā€™t any texts or clear communication on my part and it was in poor taste because i know how you interpret that kind of behavior i should have of handled that better.ā€ he stops talking to take a breather for a second before saying the next thing. ā€œyou being attracted to him is a problem for me, do you not understand that thatā€™s why i react the way i do? i have feelings for you and you saying they are attracted to your ex is not something thatā€™s exactly easy to hear. so, yeah it is bullshitā€” itā€™s not fun to listen to you talk about how you would sleep with him again and if given the chance he would sleep with you tooā€¦ itā€™s one thing to be friends with your ex, but the added chemistry is very much unsettling, especially because i like you so much.ā€ he shakes his head. ā€œmy divorce was finalizedā€¦ thatā€™s what i wanted to talk about, but not really in the form of a semi-heated discussion.ā€
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pyrosomatic-metamorphosis Ā· 1 year ago
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thinking about the elections tonight... bad, cellbit, baghera, and forever are four candidates who are devoted to the island- more specifically, to the residents of the island. They care for the eggs, and they care for each other, and the way they exhibit that care through their primary presidential strategies is fucking fascinating.
Bad is who I watch the most, so I know him best. He's a classic mother hen. He doesn't like to take risks with the eggs, and he likes to prepare. If there's any sort of variable that could hurt an egg then he wants to control it. They have a stable relationship with the federation right now- it's not great, but they know the parameters. Don't trust cucurucho. don't follow cucurucho. send the eggs to NINHO every time there's a threat. the time of day changing means you need to run. Other than that they're p okay and roughly safe. But adding a president could potentially change everything. What if the president makes a rule that makes it easier to kill the eggs? And what about the way a president could cause tensions between the players to rise even higher? The dynamics of the island could change drastically. It's safer to neutralize that threat before it ever becomes a threat. It's easier to stop a war before it can start.
Baghera's primary concern is the way the election is designed to pit the residents against each other. All of them know that the Federation is a threat and she, like Bad, is focused on not letting them hurt more people. But, unlike Bad, she's less resistant to change. If the power is spread to multiple players rather than just one, it will be harder for the Federation to corrupt any one of them. Each time before the Federation has gotten to someone it's done so by isolating them. Felps, Cellbit, Jaiden- they've all spent a lot of alone time with Cucurucho. A council isn't just to consolidate the ideals of the island; a council would protect the players themselves. Sure, there might be disagreements and arguments, but they've had those before (and they're having them now!) and there's no reason to think they wouldn't be able to get through them again.
I hit a bit of a wall with Forever and Cellbit's pov here. Everything I know about their plans are from the debates and paraphrased discussions that have been translated here on tumblr, I'm going to talk less about their explicit plan and more about what the result will entail- a single president who takes responsibility for the island. It seems to me like they've recognized the presidential seat as the powerful opportunity that it is, and they want to take advantage of it. Here's some extra personal speculation but, adding rules, adding or removing mods, proposing public works, enforcing laws- those are just the abilities that are listed. Those are incredible opportunities to make the Federation take action, which is more than they've had before. We've seen before that the Federation isn't perfect; the Federation makes mistakes.
By working with the Federation, by making them take action (in a semi-controlled, semi-predictable way) you open them up to more opportunities for them to fuck up (while benefiting you). And, maybe, one of those fuck ups will be the key to taking them down. Maybe they could reopen ender chests. Maybe they could open the nether. Maybe they could learn why the Federation is holding an election in the first place. It's possible to do all these things with Baghera's plan, sure, but that's not a guarantee and, if someone like Bad is on the council, there's absolutely no way to be sure it would get done. And, if there's a council, then that opens up everyone on the council to the Federation's wiles. If there's just one president, then that's where the Federation's focus will be. By using a single person to build a relationship with the Federation, they only risk that single person. By electing ministers instead of a council, they can ensure that the island residents' needs are being heard while placing the federation's focus on that one person. A point can be made that they've done that before- with varying results. like kidnapping. selling your soul. etc. But! overall, I think they've gained more than they've lost by singling out one person. Because of them, we know that Cucurucho can't be trusted. We know that the Federation has a series of tunnels underneath the island. We know that the Federation not only has some sort of cryo technology, but had some unknown reason to use it. We know that there was another person working with Cellbit to take care of Felps (theorized to be ElQuackity), so we know there's at least one more Fed that isn't Cucurucho + blank-faced workers. There's been risk, but there's absolutely been rewards. This is just a very long meandering way to say that their plan to sacrifice Forever to the presidential seat reminds me very much of Cellbit's plan to sacrifice himself to the federation. They're saving their friends by potentially damning themselves and I, for one, think that is cool as hell.
they all care about each other so much. bad's plan means taking on no more risk. baghera's plan means spreading that risk evenly to stand strong together. and cellbit and forever's plan means taking the risk onto themselves so they can reap the rewards for others. am i reading too much into things? no this is tumblr and this smp is about LOVE and i really genuinely think that their election plans are a fantastic example of just how much they love each other
#qsmp elections#qsmp#qsmp analysis#again i haven't been following cellbit and forever's exact plan too closely but i've gotten the sense that their pushing of public works is#just to get people to vote for them and the true reason they want forever to be president is to infiltrate the federation#if that's not it tho feel free to let me know i'd love to know these cubitos reasonings#but with my interpretation i like the silly little extra headcanon of mr cell ā€œsold his soul to the copsā€ bit#subconsciously sacrificing forever to the feds and pushing him into corruption#which ALSO makes the forever-killing-cellbit-to-kick-him-out-of-the-running plan Even More Tasty#'what if i let you kill me. what if destroying me destroyed yourself. what if i have already destroyed you on purpose and you forgave me#now what if i dont mean it when i do it again'#if anyone wants to examine the other candidates (or these same ones) and figure out how their election strategy is an example of their love#please do#i don't know enoguh about the others#but i know that gegg is love-turned-grief burn-the-world-down#and foolish is love for Item. love for cloud. love for being a silly#i don't know etoiles' plan for if he gets elected but i know he also deeply loves the island and the residents#him and his security <3 and the care packages for new players <3 and the way he Craves Violence but absolutely refuses to hurt anyone who#doesn't deserve it. most guy of all time#personally i want foolish to win because i think it would be really fun#but i think that any of them (even the candidates i don't know) would be a Fantastic president#we're going to get some good roleplay any way it goes so ill be happy :3#the only mechanic thing i want is for them to open the nether but that feels like a given for anyone so im not worried about it tbh#ty for coming to my tedtalk#hello if you're reading this tag. i see youre just as un-normal about these characters as i am. or you just like to read. respect either wa
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triglycercule Ā· 28 days ago
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horror bragging about he's immortal and allat to killer and dust (because he genuinely thinks he is. like he literally came back from the DEAD that is a proud accomplishment!!!! bro probably brags all the time about it like "heh even if you hit me hard i'll just get back up. bitch")
and then killer's like alright bet! let's test that out! and then he starts going on an all out chase for horror's head. and dust just follows along because hey why the fuck not it sounds fun and it would be nice to knock horror down a peg or two :3 frantic running from horror ensues because as much as he'd like to stick by his claim he REALLY cannot be going around risking to see if him being immortal is actually true šŸ’€
#horror it's all your fault you played with fire and now you are not about to get burned you are about to DIE#oh its probably so nervewracking....... he legit could die horror doesnt know if the other two would take mercy on him#he's been an ass all this time ā€¼ļø he has been manipulative and lied ā€¼ļø he has shittalked them at their lowest ā€¼ļø he is FUCKED#or WORSE they just end up dragging this out and driving him crazy with paranoia (this is in fact what would happen)#not that he particularly regrets not being nice to killer and dust because why should he and why do they deserve it but like. GODAAMN IT#couldnt it HURT just to be a LITTLE nicer past horror???? now youre gonna DIE because you were too much of an asshole!!!!!!! fuck#but maybe he doesn't die? maybe he actually lives when the two find him and eventually#would that be worse actually yes in fact it would. if he wants anyone to find out he's actually immortal it would NOT be dust and killer#death seems much more inviting than being hunted down by those two. oh SHIT REAPER WAIT DONT TOUCH HIN#if killer and dust worked together they could probably create a torture situation that not even a tank personified would mentally survive#this seems like another one of my ideas in my head that seems bright and comedic but in reality would just be terrifying#i like it piccasso. now just set it in horrortale and then you have horror in the place of all the people he killed#all the people he hunted down all the innocents and now he gets to feel what they felt when he chased them down#the fear and nervousness of being watched of being toyed with of knowing that youre already stuck in a maze with no exit and no way back#yeah i'd kill myself the psychological horror i'd feel would just be too much dust and killer can just kill me for all i care I GIVE UP#wouldnt it be funny if dust and killer never even touch horror they just chase him until he passes out#that would be sooooo silly LMAO. bitchass we didnt even touch you and you passed out from panic and exhaustion??? COWARD šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£#dust and killer would never let that memory be forgotten trust. trust. i love it when they taunt and torture eachother#GOD can we get some self not so self inflicted pain onto these 3 šŸ˜’šŸ˜’šŸ˜’ more than they already have but whatever#dont worry guys they took horror home after he passed out and when he woke up fed him a bit of soup to replenish his energy#and then they played a roblox obby to calm down and also relax and then they fell asleep all zzzrkkk mimimimi shoooo like 3 little kitties#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule hc
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zeb-z Ā· 1 year ago
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Bad has so many reasons to be cautious, even paranoid, as anyone else on the island. From Federation nonsense to Dapper being kidnapped to the whole purgatory nonsense to whatever fuckass suit of armor ā€œold friendā€ was setting up cameras in his house. But it compounds on his regular overly aware paranoid self to this state of hyper-paranoia. And as a demon who can and usually will lie, cheat, steal, and use sneaky underhanded tactics, he expects the craziest extent because he thinks of it, realizes itā€™s possible, and would use it himself. We saw this very obviously in purgatory - when he thought greens desperate last ditch effort to balance the scale was a super planned out tactic to tip the scale, so he did it first, all the hardcore base hunting, the spawn killing, thereā€™s a reason every other tactic he used usually followed a main channel qsmp post with updated rules - all usually things he was surprised no one else thought of. But then this also piles onto the fact that he has to have things go his way, all the time, and that heā€™s argumentative as all get out, which led to the debate between him and Bagi yknow. Especially because heā€™s not just doing it for the sake of being right, he doesnā€™t think heā€™s paranoid, but that heā€™s exercising the right amount of caution.
So like. Listen dude. Yeah heā€™s got reasons to be paranoid. But his thought process around building vaults for separate cookie caches like they locked up the risus pills, only to scrap it because itā€™s not perfectly impenetrable, is extreme. His character has hardly been a leading example in someone who has reasonable reactions to things. And even when there isnā€™t his own childrenā€™s livelihoods potentially on the line, he has a need for control, and the most control he has is if he keeps the cookies in his inventory at all times. If he makes himself the sole point in which the others can get ones in a case of emergency, then he can control the variables. The problem is heā€™s unreliable about himself when heā€™s at his most rational and healthiest, and heā€™s far worse with the current memory and health issues heā€™s been mostly unaware of.
I dunno itā€™s like. There is never going to be a purely impenetrable base. And itā€™s not just a case of ā€œBagi just hasnā€™t lived through __ yet!ā€. Badā€™s own logic about keeping the cookies on him at all times is flawed under his own logic, because Bagi is right - if someone has enough drive to break into separate secured cookie caches purely for the downfall of eggs, they more than certainly have enough drive to find a way to kill Bad and just take them from his inventory, or to just kill the eggs themselves. All it truly does is give Bad a sense of control, and soothe his paranoia.
#everyone letā€™s remember rurusā€™ tweet about bad NOT being in the blunt rotation. he would try to pluck cameras out of your eyes. and he will#make it seem like itā€™s the most reasonable thing to do in that moment#now this is more me complaining about shit Iā€™ve been seeing on Twitter in the tags <3 love and peace but Iā€™ve got beef#side note - to say the people who are commenting on qBadā€™s paranoia or this and that are all newcomers who just ā€˜werenā€™t there to experienc#-the dark timesā€™ or ā€˜werenā€™t there for the egg deaths/nightmaresā€™ like you are not immune to the way bbh can make something seem so#reasonable#heā€™s got his own reasons to be paranoid. and most everyone agreed that the base idea of a ā€˜cookie jarā€™ would need rethinking with security#but to say qBagi (or Jorgeā€™s/other viewers) is shortsighted or naive. when qBad is THE definition of paranoia. of overreacting. like#qBadā€™s reaction extends from a mixture of care hyper paranoia and trauma response (which is half that hyper paranoia)#and he will pick and pick and pick until thereā€™s nothing left to pick at#sometimes this is helpful. a lot of the time itā€™s not#and on the flip side itā€™s like yā€™all bad cares about the eggs to a ridiculous degree donā€™t be silly here okay. he does this because he care#even without a memory in his brain he calls them ā€˜little oneā€™ and is gentle like. he cares#but at the same time this doesnā€™t always justify his nonsense. his thought processes. heā€™s Uber hyper paranoid and not easy to reason with#heā€™s selfish he can and will jump to extremes heā€™s overly controlling. and heā€™s the worlds most unreliable narrator#Iā€™ve been saying this Iā€™ll keep saying this heā€™s an unreliable narrator! this doesnā€™t make everything he says or thinks bullshit but you#cannot take what he says to himself how he justifies his actions etc etc in private at face value. unless he is making it EXPLICITLY CLEAR#heā€™s talking from a meta perspective as the creator of his character#you have to take his perspective with a grain of salt. because he will ā€˜Iā€™m just a little guy and the world is out to get meā€™ his way outta#everything#there is a difference between reasonable caution from learned past experiences and overly anxious paranoid responses#idk Iā€™m running out of steam sorry this is like a second post with the tags#and again I say this as a huge qBbh enjoyer lmao#mcyt#qsmp#q!bbh#q!bagi#z speaks
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