#because the god who made him; who gave him purpose; who taught him everything he knows; has abandoned him.

[juliareed]

Fandom: Alias Relationships: Sark/Irina + Nadia/Elena, Nadia/Roberto, Nadia/Sloane Song: Would've, Could've, Should've by Taylor Swift Summary: Exploring some of the parallels between Sark and Nadia, by comparing Sark’s relationship with Irina to Nadia’s relationships with Sloane, Elena and Roberto. Content warnings: Character death, child abuse, needles, torture, violence, flashing lights

[nemesyaaa]

losing my religion // dark!cult leader!rafe x innocent!reader

summary ; god loves you but not enough to save you.

warnings : mentions of religions. manipulation. cult. smut. corruption kink. small town church trope. religious trauma. purity/innocence kink. slight of god complex. first time. dark/soft!rafe. mentions of murder. sweet lamb trope. coercion. smoking. little age gap. heaven goal. mentions of size kink. glorification. be careful with the warnings. minors DNI.

author's note : it's around 5k words. pfiouuuu. televangelism by ethel cain playing in the background please.

“ father, will i go to heaven ? ”

“ father, will i be this good all my life ? ”

“ father, where was god when i thought he was there ? ”

“ father, did god let me sin on purpose ? ”

you lived in a small remote village, the kind of town where everyone knew each other, and where there were no secrets. well, you thought there were no secrets because everyone here was a true and firm believer. all the locals lived for god. and you would do anything for him and for your ticket to heaven. you had been baptized as a baby and had grown up as a child of the lord, and his most faithful angel. you have acted so well since your childhood and were sure that your death will be a pleasant trip to paradise.

you went to church every day because you always had something to say to god, to ask him, to make him understand. you prayed to speak to him, for him to see you, for him to hear you, for him to know how grateful you were for the life he had given you. your parents had always recommended that you cherish your existence, but also everything that happened to you, the misfortunes as well as the pleasures. life was neither all rosy, nor all white, nor gray or black. you were the only person to give it color. so your religious sister told you that you just needed to know how to paint, but that sometimes you would fail, you would fail but that it didn't matter. because you will make a masterpiece again sooner or later.

you were a devoted child, a faithful lamb with no anger inside, but above all full of love. you gave it to everyone when god had taught you and commanded you to share it as much as possible, that it was this feeling that would bring peace on earth. and who did not want peace, who did not want to please his creator? you were a good girl, so sweet and innocent, the kind sweetheart of the town, incapable of harm or sin, always dressed in your white dress and your little black shoes. you wear everything that can please god. you walked through the church hallway to join the choir, holding the candles. the world had his eyes on you, but especially this tall man lodged in the dark corner.

this man was not god and you knew it, because god would never look at you that way.

you wouldn't know how to describe this gaze on you, but it made you uncomfortable. you continued to move forward, holding the flame preciously against you. you sang with your angelic voice, glory to the almighty, glory to the one who made your existence so beautiful, to bring your back to life every time you felt, and this guy was still staring at you like you were the only person that existed, like the world had taken away the entire universe except you.

maybe you were an angel. after all, you were among the Lord's faithful.

you had never dated a man in your life. your parents and god forbid you, because you needed to stay pure for the good one. you had to remain virgin and clean for your future husband. you were forbidden to look at them, touch them or talk to them except for church activities. you were so loved by god so you had no right to sin, no fucking right to betray him. you had to remain as intact as the mother of everyone, as virgin mary.

you were as holy as the bible, the treasure of the creator. you were devoted like a lamb to his owner, as the followers to the cult leader.

you had never experienced something like touching yourself, making yourself feel good, and anything that included carnal pleasures. you didn't know about pornography, sexuality and lust. you walked away from it as if it were the devil. you were unable to make your god mad, you were too scared for that.

you were faithful to the lord. you helped the people of the village, homeless, the destitute, poor children, the elderly, you helped the world become a better place even when it seemed to be turning against you.

at the end of the mass, everyone, the priest had sent you to collect the funds from the locals.

you were standing in front of the steps. people were always kind and smiling to you as you were collecting funds for the church.

and you had been waiting for this voice to come at you.

“do you really want to go to heaven ? ”

you turned to face the man from earlier, the one hidden in the benches. you answered him with the sweetest smile, and the most nervous look. "yes, i do everything to go there. am i not good enough ? "

“everything?” the stranger had laughed kindly, but it had offended you slightly with that soft giggle.

“ why are you laughing ? this is not funny. ”

“ slow down, baby. you're too pretty to get on your nerves. ” he had pulled out a cigarette.

“will you forget God for a second and be an angel to me ? ”

“ God is in my heart, is in me. i can't forget him, even for a second. he's the reason why i'm living. ”

“ be sweet, angel and light it for me. don't say no, your divine father is watching you, you don't want him to catch you refusing to help a stranger and be mad at you? ” you looked at him with strange open eyes but you accepted. because he was right.

you didn't know how to say no to people. God didn't teach you to say no. people needed to help the people.

you lit his cigarette, and during the whole process he looked at you, his glare scanned your face. you were staring at him, and saw your own silhouette in his eyes, your shadow dancing in the perfect blue of his pupils.

you felt the heat in your cheeks, the burn of his gaze on your skin. you were unwell. you didn't like this situation, the unsteady feeling, the stranger proximity.

when you met him, you felt like a sinner more than a believer.

but he smiled at you. the soft kind of smile that made you forget everything, that made you feel so dumb.

“would i go to heaven now?” you teased him with a small laugh to echo his words.

“not yet but i can help you if you want if you're serious about that.” he answered.

“ i'm serious. ” you were really curious, and he had your full attention. you knew it wasn't good to talk for that long with a man. especially, older. but you took the risk.

you should have stopped when he complimented you because your parents said that men who are nice to girls like you always have bad intentions. but there was also something so charming and bewitching about this man. the way he was adorable. you didn’t see the evil in him.

“i really want to go to heaven, i swear on my life, sir. ”

“ sir ? such a polite thing but i'm not that old, sweetheart. i'm tall, not too old. ”

“ anyways, i really want to go to heaven !! ”

“you already said it, doll. i think God is tired of hearing it now. he wants proof, you know. he needs to see how devoted you are to him. ”

“how can i prove it to him?”

"i know God. i talk to him every day. i am his ruler. do you know what that means? that i am the one who decides for him whether people go to heaven or not. i am his most loyal servant, so he trusts me.”

“are you really connected to God?”

"you are too. we all are but the difference is that i can take you to heaven. i promise you." he placed his hand on your cheek, caressing it gently , a tender and unique gesture that made you shyly smile. “i’m not an angel. not yet.”

"yes, i assure you. i knew it as soon as i saw you in that church. join me." he announced with a warm voice.

“you have always been divine, i never doubted it. you have to go to heaven, you understand? you can't behave so well, be so charitable and disappoint God? and you wouldn't dare doing it, don't you, pretty lamb ? because do you think he will forgive you ? no, sweetheart. you will be punished and rejected like every sinners. ”

“ you're wrong ! God loves me ! ”

“you don't understand. you must be perfect until the end, you must be a great god masterpiece, not his biggest failure. you can't just be the chorus of this choir, be the beautiful thing who holds the candles at mass, the kind soul who helps others. you can't be just that when i can offer you even better and absolutely everything you want. any of your wishes. join me and i will make all your wishes come true, i will make you the new face of the paradise. i will make God see you everywhere. ”

"it seems so unreal...i don't know..."

he had cut you. he didn't want to give you time to think, leaving room for the barrier of doubt."you have to join me, isn't that what you wanted? for me to find you? if you believe in god, you have to be a good girl, make the right choices. "

“okay….” you finally agreed.

he waited for you in his car, one hand on the steering wheel. and you joined him inside. there was so much euphoria in you. you felt like you were doing something so right, so you had this goofy smile on your face.

"does God think i'm a good believer ? i pray every day, i attend mass every time, i sing in the choir and in my rooms all the songs dedicated to him. i only have the Bible as a book and i read it all the time. i can't do anything wrong. i'm good, i promise, i'm good. ”

"is that true? you'll have to show me so I can tell."

“I’m going to pray for you too.” you added. “I pray for all the souls in this world.”

“oh yes my angel will pray for me. i want to hear your prayers, all your prayers about me. but not in front of me. "

“ why ? ”

“ seeing you bent on your knees for me will make me sin. i wish you could see the kind of temptation you are. ”

you had arrived in front of a mansion. you were so flustered and nervous. you didn't understand what you were doing in front of this place, and why he had brought you here. he took your hand, reassuring you with his touch, and guided you inside.

you were not alone. there were other people, women and men. all dressed slightly the same, as if there was a regulation outfit. the atmosphere was strange, a little sectarian. there was an organ playing in the background, and everyone was looking at you kindly so you tried to relax.

"don't be afraid. they're like you, they just want to go to heaven. can you understand?"

you nodded and he showed you around all the places. he even showed you a room and said it would be yours. she was pretty, absolutely perfect but she wasn't yours. not that of your house.

"I'm not going home?..."

"what do you mean? this is your home now. we're a family."

"a family? i have parents, they will worry…”

"i thought you wanted to be close to God. were they lies? you know, you shouldn't joke with religion, and with words. if you want to be a good little christian, if you want to go to heaven, it is to me, and only to me, that you must be devoted.”

"I...I...no, i promise! I'm sincere! i'm sorry, really, I'm sorry. " you now felt terrible. there were so many tears in your eyes, you couldn't even see the room clearly.

the man smiled before taking you in his arms. "it's nothing, you just need to be clearer with your words, okay? I'm your only savior, you don't need others.”

he had wiped the tears from your cheeks. “I have a gift for you…” he whispered and you found your smile again.

no one ever gave you gifts. it was so rare. “open it” he told you.

it was a dress. not the one you usually wore. “you have to put it on. don't you want to shine, shooting star ? ”

" now ? "

"now." his voice was a little firmer.

“i can’t change in front of you…” you admitted. "you're a man...and I'm a girl...it's sinful, it's like having sex! we have to get married to have that intimacy. "

he smiled and laughed. "you've never been naked in front of someone? you've never left this body in front of someone else?"

he had approached, slipping up behind you, towering over you with his height, his hands resting on the corners of your trembling shoulders.

“my sweet thing, it’s as if you’re begging me to corrupt you.”

“what do you mean?”

“that i must see this body.”

" Is it bad?"

“What would be bad, angel, would be to upset me.”

he had pulled the tab of your dress to lower it a little. there were shivers in your body. you felt like you were doing something wrong.

"you're not doing anything wrong. this is what god wants you to do. he told me."

" It's true ? "

“ only the truth. just now. i wouldn't dare lying to you, my sweet. ”

there was nothing you could refuse god. If it were his will, you would do anything.

"but I've never done anything like that? I always thought it was wrong, that I didn't have the right."

he pulled your dress down to the floor, your naked body revealed in the mirror. you could feel his gaze growing more intense as he took in everything you had shown him. "is my body okay? I mean, this is the first time anyone has seen it so..."

"sweetheart, I've never seen anything so beautiful. but I don't just have to see it to judge it, I have to touch it. will you let me ? "

“Lust is a sin.”

“do you want to know my name?”

you had just now realized that you didn't even know his identity. you nodded your head.

“rafe.” he spelled it. “ you must know my name to pray for me, but also to glorify me.”

“glorify ?”

"you must glorify me. salute me and worship me. these are the rules if you want to go to heaven. you must be devoted, I told you.."

" fine…”

he sat on the bed, and you moved closer but he stopped you.

"no, no. all this sweetness but no useful brain ? ” he mocked. “ to worship me, you must be on your knees. ” he said, crossing his arms on his chest.

“ treat me as the same way you treat your god, angel. because this is what i am to you. i want to see your legs bow down for me, i want to see them treading the ground up to me. i want to see that precious look at the same height of my knees, let me see that head lifted up to glory me. "

he had lit a cigarette, the fourth since you had spoken, and had smiled when you started walking on your knees towards him.

he pressed his hand against the growing bulge in his pants.

“open your mouth.” he commanded and you obeyed, and he slipped his cigarette between your lips. “don’t smoke it, hold it only. don't go against my rules. can i trust this dumb baby brain for once to not disappoint me ? ”

he had taken off his pants, with his boxers. and you turned your head, strongly ashamed by his action.

he mocked gently. “in your place, i would not look away, that would avoid unpleasant surprises when this thing will be buried inside your virgin cunt, sweetheart. ”

he had retrieved his cigarette, and turned your head towards him.

"I can't believe you've never seen one. you've been such a good girl to me. you've been waiting for me. "

“will god hate me?”

“how can i show it to you?”

"it's not god you have to fear, it's me, sweetheart because I'm the only one who will decide for you from now on. do you understand? I have to be sure that you are deserving."

“give me your hand. let me guide you...do you trust me? ”

“ i trust you, rafe. ”

he had positioned your hand on his cock which was already hard. you shivered. your hand was clumsy around his painfully boner. yet you had heard him let out a grunt.

his fingers moved with yours, accompanying you in his lewd movements. you had god in your head, heart and body but your fingers fisted around that thick dick made you warm and good. you hated that feeling, but you can't deny the pleasure. it was the first time. you weren't used to it. you moved back and forth with little confidence, while he kept your grip around his bulge. you followed his back and forth, pumping him with fragility. you weren't sure if it felt good but his muscles had tightened.

your fist slid over his length, your hand working massively. your touch was divine, he threw his head back. you could feel his abs twitching in synch.

“open those legs. let me see that sweet untouched pussy. i'm gonna take such good care of it. are you still trusting me ? ”

“ yes…”

you didn't want to. it flowed between your thighs, the wetness spurted in a mess on the floor. and you weren't sure if that was a good thing. you couldn't tell if it was pleasure or not. it was new to you.

“trust me, you don’t want to make me repeat that a second time. do you ? ”

and that was enough for you to bend to his will.

"you feel, baby ? the sweet mess between your legs ? don't hide from me. ”

you continued to masturbate him up and down. you turned him on so much that he already wanted to come in your hand. his cock twitched in your hold and his balls slapped repeatedly against his skin.

"does that make you feel good? do I need to do better? do you want me to put my lips on..."

he had cum on your face. and you stepped back in surprise. “let me clean you up…”

you came back to him thinking he was going to wipe you but he caught his seed with his fingers, and brought them to your mouth. “if you don’t want me to put them down your throat, you better lick them now.”

you lapped up every last bit of cum on his fingers until they turned white again. you knew he was serious when he threatened you. "that wasn't really a warning, I'll do it someday. I really want to use every part of your body. and you'll let me. yes ?”

“whatever you want...”

he smiled and stroked your hair. “you learn quickly.”

you didn’t really know why but his recognition made you happy. she had an impact on you. you needed, and sought, his validation. it promised you to be even closer to god, to show god that you were faithful to him.

you had this urgency to please rafe, to show him that you could be really good.

for rafe, you were another girl that he led into his cult, another lamb in the troop. you were perfect, you always had the profile. he knew it as soon as he saw you.

he had come to the church only to see you. he attended every mass and ceremony hoping to corrupt you. you were so innocent, so kind and so sweet, and above all, you were ready for anything.

you prayed every day and read the Bible. so you had a desire, a goal, a faith.

he had placed you on his legs, his hands caging your waist, wrapping each part of your hips. “I’m going to make you an angel.” he had said, rubbing the tip of his cock against your wet entrance.

“I’m going to go to heaven?”

"it's heaven that will beg for you to come to it, I can even say. but you still have to do one thing for me..."

“tell me. I’ll do anything.”

" good. i really want you to take that dick. show me how much you want to reach eden, i want to see god in you when i'm fucking you. i want to hear prayers in that mouth for how i make you feel, how perfect i am to you and that sweet cunt of yours.”

you rubbed your dripping pussy against his cock, feeling the feverish, leaking tip against your slick folds. you had gently entered him between your impenetrable walls until now, letting out a long and loud moan when you felt his dick getting even harder inside you. It took you several bounces on his thighs to get used to, your pussy stretching around him. you could feel every inch of his length filling your canal but also widening it.

his large hands covered your ass, gripping the gummy flesh of your cheeks, his body moving and following your movements. he had grabbed your face to force a kiss from your already open lips, sliding his tongue against yours. a drool dripped from your jaw, as your pelt slammed and bounced violently against his. your hands were around his neck, trying to keep up the pace.

seeing you struggling and jiggling, he laughed. “even if you had prayers, you couldn’t even say them, too fucking dumb for that shit, right now ? ”

and it was true, you weren't even able to say a word without gurgling. you had tears streaming down your face, your moans were locked against rafe's glossy and pretty mouth, and you were trying hard to take his big cock as best you could. his dick was stuck between your sticky walls, your breasts hitting her toned chest.

“keep going, you’re perfect…” his smile was evil because it motivated you.

you were riding him without even being able to think. you were a fragile little thing doing bad things with a bad guy.

but you wanted to please him. you wanted rafe cameron to think you were good and deserving. you wanted to go to heaven, so you did your best.

and he knew it. you had broken your purity for him.

you were convinced to do something right, convinced that god saw you and that he would be proud to see you so devoted to him.

you didn’t see the harm. you were an angel and you let a demon corrupt you.

you had succumbed to man and his vices, you had let sin enter into you, and let it do you good.

rafe knew what he was doing. you had been his prey. and he couldn't wait to see you at his feet, to make you his perfect doll that he could handle so easily.

because it was only the beginning before you were completely his, completely in control of you, choosing what you eat, what you want, what you wear, what you think.

you were his and his only.

you were his nice girl, not god's one, the one who smiled at everyone, who always prayed in the church pews, who helped those most in need.

he had found you and snatched you from god. because it wasn't him to whom you owed your life. you were wrong and he had to correct that.

you were an angel, and he loved seeing you cry for him. your tears was made for being looked by his ocean eyes, to felt loved by his kisses.

he was completely buried inside you, plunged so deep that you were completely dizzy. and every time you thought he couldn't go any further, he surprised you. you were pretty sure he could put a baby inside you right now, just from the way his cock thrusted inside you, invading your shaking body.

you had squirted and cried, accompanying your tears with apologies. "you're fine. it's just means you liked it. it will also happen to me, angel. don't worry.”

the more he called you angel, the more you began to believe that you were one. you had squirted again but now you weren't scared anymore because he had reassured you. you had been afraid that it would be a disgusting thing and that he wouldn’t want you anymore.

but it was so strange. he was both gentle and cold.

“stop...I’m going to be pregnant!”

"that's not how it works...but if that's what you want, I can take care of it...whatever the angel wants.”

after that day, your life had been totally different, completely transformed by rafe.

you were part of this community now. you were all brothers and sisters, united for a common goal. you always prayed. but above all, you were completely manipulated. you were so controlled that you forgot your family, your friends, your entourage, your involvement in church. only god remained with you. he was still there.

you wore the outfits rafe wanted you to wear, you ate the food he wanted, you only talked about topics he allowed, you became someone else. you were what he wanted you to be.

but one night you heard god. you were sure it was his voice in the darkness. you were sleeping in rafe cameron’s arms, his bicep resting on your stomach. it was strange to see him sleeping like a child when he behaved like that.

you had begun to follow god’s voice in the darkness, your feet pacing and pacing through the empty hallways. the light guided you, it was he who accompanied you. he pulled you out, into the huge garden.

“do you think you can leave? do you think you can leave me ? are you that fucking dumb ? ”

Rafe’s voice made you jump. you weren't sure if you woke him up because you were a quiet person. but now he was in front of you, and he really didn't look very happy.

"I have to leave..."

“I’m afraid you can’t.”

“god spoke to me.”

"oh really? god may be talking to you but you need to listen to me. aren't you grateful for the life i gave you? didn't you want to be good? you're tear up your ticket to paradise. just bury yourself alive at this point."

tears had started to fall down your cheeks. you felt trapped because you didn't know who to listen to. god or this man?

your feet moved towards rafe. as you approached, his arms stretched out as if to reassure you.

“i’m sorry….i'm really sorry…..”

“i know you are but you also know that it’s not enough.”

“so tell me what i need to do to be good enough? ”

“you must sacrifice yourself. ” he said with that deep serious tone.

you looked at him with fear. you couldn't kill yourself.

“ i can’t kill myself, rafe…”

“i know, angel but don't worry, i will. ”

“ what do you mean ? i always did what you wanted me to do, i always been so good to you, i never be against you and your rules ! you promised me heaven, you promised me....everything. was that a lie ? you 'ever be serious to me ? answer me...never ? rafe, i was all what you wanted me to be, even that was not enough for you ? ”

“ i really wish you were. any last word, baby? ”

“ can you at least shoot me in the heart ? ”

“ tell me why...”

“ it's the last part of me you never took away from me. but now that i will die, you can take it. it's all yours. ”

[robby-bobby-tommy]

Well, ig it's time for me to talk about one of my favorite lores and streamers at this point.

Fit MC of 2B2T and his tragedy.

Honestly, when I watched the launch of QSMP I was full on Philza watcher. I never knew Fit before, but I was charmed by his voice, humor and friendship with crow father. And honestly I never even expected any lore from him, so when his first lore stream happened I was pleasantly surprised! So, I really want to express how much I love Fit's lore. It's not in your face and has a lot of subtle hints and build up. Honestly, it's not an essay but rather an expression of true admiration of masterful story telling in form of incoherent ramblings.

(I'll try to compose it, but I can't promise it'll always be coherent)

So let's start with quick review of his lore. FitMC of 2B2T is, evidently from the oldest anachy server. It's described as wasteland, where you can't trust or be trusted. Once he was approached by a person, whom Fit can't remember. It was a contractor who sent our favorite war criminal to the Qsmp with a mission to steal player data. Everything up from there is in vods.

Well, it is a great start, isn't it? At this point we have a very sad start. Practically no trust and emotional connection to anything. The eternal destruction, explosions, deaths and betrayals don't teach you anything different. So once he came to the server, I imagine, Fit didn't care about anything but mission. Player data and that's all, but right from the start this mindset started to change because of the greatest misfortunes of any mercenary or a 2b2t player. Emotional connection.

So now let me break this up into some sections.

Philza: you really thought I won't bring him up? As a greatest (platonic) Fitza/Wallflower duo enjoyer or just a Phil watcher, I couldn't leave him out of this post. I really think that Fit's learning started with crow father. From the start we know that they're at least are acquaintances. But throughout all this months they grew into something more. Philza's trust is hard to get, but if you get it this'll be worth it. Yet Fit got it. Throughout the good old days of Qsmp, when everything was easier, Fitza always were together. No matter was it a life threat or a camping trip with kids, they're with each other. Trusting to each other enough to letting each other in eggs' homes. And after feces hit the fan, it didn't change. A person, who was taught to never trust a soul and to survive no matter what, was standing there, saying "I'm with you, Phil" In the midst of attack. The trust between them is just incomprehensible. A paranoid hardcore survivor and a war criminal, with a lot of secrets and separetion anxiety, became best friends. If anything goes South for Phil, Fit'll be spying, controlling situation. If a wise crow ever starts loosing his sense of reality, this soaked in blood hand will lay on his shoulder, reassuringly. And it isn't one sided. If Fit needs anything Philza instantly passes him it ("You're too good to me"). Phil shares everything he can with Fit and even trusted the Dream to him. And Fit even had a small separation anxiety attack, just cuz Phil was gone for a few seconds. They are so close, Fit even considered letting in Phil on his purpose, Aaaaah... They're gonna be the death of me. Philza learned Fit friendship/ platonic love.

"You [Phil] and I [Fit].... We walk into churches and they burn just by our presence."

Ramon: the baby boy made in heaven by God himself. There's so much to be said here. Once again, coming into the island, Fit never expected to connect with someone, especially to have a son. After having a rocky relationship with Spreen was left one on one with a child. The absurdity of situation is just as laughable, as ironic. A man, who's hobby was killing kids with no back thought, was now stuck with a child, having no idea of how to raise him. And, honestly, he did pretty good! He gave Ramon freedom, but always was here, close enough to help if needed. Of course he wasn't the saint, yet he always tried to be as honest as he could, even letting him on the "Family secret". Ramon loves his dad, and it's obvious by how he helps Fit with his job, building him a communication with his contractor. The little one even taught this cold person to be kinder and more open. They only have each other. And Fit is ready to do anything if it means he'd get to leave with his baby boy by his side. Also I don't wanna hear a scrap about 2b2t historian not caring about his son's disappearance. He does. After behaving and distancing himself from his past antics, he decided to burn the ship, where Ramon lost his first life, just to avenge his baby. He visits his sons house every stream, looking if maybe he came back. If you want any prove of how much they care about each other search Ramon's graduation. They made each other better and their love is just aaahhh. I love them. Ramon taught Fit parental love.

"Baby boy, made in heaven, by God himself.."

PacTW: the last, but not least, Pacman himself. Oooh, love, oooh, lover boy.... Now, I haven't watched a lot of their interactions, but from all I've seen they're suuuuper in love/crush. All those little glances to each other, protection, quality time... Honestly, I think these two videos explain everything. They trust each other and at least have a crush on each other. And once again, there're a lot of small moments that prove this point. Fit having a small panic attack over not seeing pac for a few seconds and even helping to find Walter Bob and Mike. And Pac, no matter how much he loves Mike, didn't drop Fit after the latter was accused of being a traitor. Love is blooming, and even though it's "baby steps" These are still steps. It takes a lot to relearn trust and especially this kind of intimacy, when all you knew before was war, betrayal and lie. And thus Pac taught him love and trust.( I'm not big on shipping but every time hide duo hug my life gets a little better).

"Baby steps, chat. Baby steps. (Puts roses Pac gifted him)"

But, why did I call Fit and his fate tragic, and then just list all the good interactions Qsmp gave him. After all he experienced at 2b2t , this island seems like a heaven. But, Fit was, is, and forever will be stranger at the paradise (this man is way too good at presenting lore. Even music gives us soo much things to think about... I love it.). No matter how much Fit loves people around him and feels this being reciprocated, he'll never have this full closure. He knows and believes that once everyone knew his mission, they'll hate him. Even people I listed before. He'll never be fully honest with anyone (apart from Ramon), and no matter how people love him. Fit truly feels for Baghera, when she told him about her past and her fear of telling it to BBH. It is literally what he struggles with. This dialogue has a lot of good foils and parallels. The fear of their past, full trust/ forced lie, darkness/ light, and eventually positive outlook. Baghera was eventually able to trust Bad with her secret, yet Fit wasn't. But this paradise spoiled this war criminal. It made him more trusting, more social. Fit can't now be alone, cuz he connected with people. This server, though is full of secrets, lies and danger, is still a paradise. A heaven on earth for a lonely man...

So the last part of this long ahh post is about his desire. The one thing that convinced Fit to go to qsmp. Freedom. Which he doesn't have. By making this deal with Contractor he fell into the trap. He must to find this player data, or else he'll return to the world he tried to escape. For forever. With no way out. But once he came to the server, Cucurucho will never let him go. So he's now in double trap. Yet the biggest trap is Ramon. He's prepared to sacrifice everything for his baby boy, and can't leave the island without him. And without Ramon Fit wouldn't be able to contact the contractor. So in creating connections, Fit traps himself further.

I can't really call it a character analysis, but it's all I see in Fit's lore. A very lonely war criminal, that got so tired of distrust and destruction, that he agreed on a spy mission. But once his mission started he learned how to love and care, that he trapped himself further. Love isn't a miracle that saves you, but it's a very useful tool. Once you learn to understand and reciprocate it, life may become better. (Sorry, it's super cheesy, but I think it encompasses Fits character very good) .

Fit is a spy. They're not supposed to have a family and love, because they can't stay for long. And I think at first, Fit saw everything and everyone as just a means to an end. Just the player data. But after all that has passed he can't be the same. He has a son, friends and a possible love interest. Will he be able to still continue his mission? Will he still betray them and they're trust? I don't know.

But I now I love how cc! Fit does his lore. It isn't so in the face and doesn't affects other, yet it is so layered. Everything is so important down to the music choice aaaaagh. I don't even pretend to analyse everything in his lore like contractor, memory loss, head aches and ect.

I just love it. It's marvelous.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I just read your response to star-anise and I wanted to say thank you. It's horrific how NPD is demonized. People will paint every move as malicious, i.e if you make a sacrifice and you're not a narcissist, you're selfless and kind, if you are, you're playing martyr for praise and attention. I find it interesting that people can be labeled as either bad or good for the exact same actions or reactions depending on your likeability and prior labels

when I was in my first anthropology class, my one-day thesis advisor started interrpgating us about WHY certain observed phenomena happened. He asked us why it is that societies tend to send men off to war, and we gave him a million different answers and he tore into everyone, forcing us to look deep into our assumptions of what reality was. He asked us about why we jail homeless people and he did the same thing, ripping apart the explanations our class had been taught from childhood. He asked us why incest was generally considered morally wrong and even then none of our answers could withstand his interrogations.

We were 16, 17, 18, and 19 year olds mind you, he wasn't expecting us to be debate geniuses. But he picked emotionally impactful topics on purpose and held us all in that classroom looking into a mirror and explaining to ourselves what we believed and why while he undermined everything we thought we knew.

Lass was a dick in so many ways, and my decision to respond to his assholery with spiteful rivalry and dogged refusal to cower before him and his smug interrogations of our conceptualizations of reality made me one of his favorite students. He met my wife back when we were still dating (she sat in on my thesis peer-presentation at the end of my senior year) and told me she was a keeper because of the questions she asked me and the other presenters during our Q&As. He was a man who liked living in the uncertain and prickly, and I have to admit that his approach was contagious in some ways.

When I think about the origins of the language of "narcissist", of Narcissus the lover of beauty and the admirer of rare treasures, of the vengeful and insecure Greek gods who tended to dole out vicious punishments to any human who dares to see humanity as equal to divinity, of the angry backlash that hegemony always has to anyone who is unable or unwilling to buy into its inflicted premises....

Well. What seems more likely? That there is some class of people biologically incapable of comfortable coexistence with other humans due to moral debauchery? Or that there is a group of people whose willingness and ability to be subjugated by hegemonic power structures is incompatible with social structures that normalize systemic abuses and violations of self?

I'm not saying that means someone is a perfect flower who has never done anything wrong, but like. Maybe individual accountability for systemic mechanisms of interpersonal and social abuse is still bad even when it's against people who do wrong/bad things sometimes.

I dunno. I think people are comforted by easy moral answers, but I spent 8 year working with Lass in various capacities and never met anyone who could fully step up to the task of defending their beliefs against his interrogations. Like. the man was a moral-grey-area metal-detector of a human being, and no matter how nuanced we thought we'd gotten in our analysis, he was always able to pull a further assumption out for us to examine. I learned to distrust my own feelings of confidence in really interesting ways. At this point if I think I have something all figured out, I take that as a sign that I should take a step back and look for my blind spots. Which I think was the point of Lass's trial by fire approach to teaching in many ways, damn the man.

People are really confident in their hatred of and rage towards "narcissists" and that tells me that the blind spots aren't being monitored. That's all I really need to say that I'm unwilling to take anyone's assertions about narcissism on faith. I don't pretend to have answers (though I continue to find the pursuit of those answers in conversation an admirable and enjoyable process) but I think it's important to be loud about that so that people don't gloss over that element of what I'm saying when I'm communicating about functional interpersonal dynamics.

[lovelywhiteroses]

z and Mc bonfire Christmas 🎄 trees just for entertainment purposes. (Mc has a rocky feeling from xmas and capitalism)

✨🌹Hm how interesting. I’ll be sure to make this for you dear Anon.🌹✨

Z never got the point of Christmas. All he knew it was apart of Christian beliefs. He was obviously not fond over Christianity, however he noticed you looked a bit worried. He knew that you weren’t much into believing in god, though some people persist on their beliefs, you tend to stray away from it. There were always some Christians also judge you and Z from afar, some of them encountered you and him and even try and ‘save you and him’ from ‘straying away from the path of god.’ Of course Z got angry at them even trying but you knew if people knew he was actually a real demon, there would be… consequences… thankfully you would convince them that some of them do that. Meanwhile some are actually decent. You always worried about what Z thought of the holiday. Though you weren’t strong on the belief of god, but you liked celebrating it. In fact you hoped they would feel the same feeling you get every year it comes around, but you’re too scared to ask. What if he gets angry? What if he won’t celebrate with you? All thought of something bad that would possibly happen. Z was and always was able to sense emotions. And when it’s from you he doesn’t seem to know what’s happening. That’s because his ability to sense the emotions doesn’t necessarily mean he knows exactly what’s going on through your head. He never truly understood human emotions. But with your help he gain only a bit of understanding. But in this case not so much. Hence why they sought to make you feel better. You would be back from work, you would be in your apartment when you noticed the box where you kept a small Christmas tree. You didn’t put it up yet due to thinking if you did Z would get the wrong impression on things. That’s when you felt a pair of hands on your face. “Guess who~” you chuckled a bit. “Hey Z.” You turn to him as he gave you his usual cocky smile. “I’ve noticed you’ve been down recently. And I know you don’t want me to burn stuff down, so I began to think-.” You laughed a bit. “Wow. The powerful demon can think.” You said with sarcasm, thankfully you taught him about how sarcasm works and he understands you mean your comment as a joke. “Hehe! Yeah. But anyways. I’ve thought!” He paused for somewhat of a dramatic effect. “How about a bonfire tonight? You know get rid of all those pesky sticks outside.” You thought for a moment and it doesn’t sound like a bad idea. “I guess you can call it a Christmas bonfire if you will.” You were caught off guard for a second. “Wait you knew about-.” Z frowned a bit. “Human, I’ve been around ever since humans walked. Also some sinners in hell talk about it. But what’s the problem?” You sigh and crossed your arms. “I guess I just.. thought since most of the reason for Christmas was about celebrating you know.. you would be against it..” it took Z a couple of seconds but it then all clicked. Everything now made sense as to why you were feeling so down lately. “Human.. is that why you looked so down recently? Cause you thought I wouldn’t wanna celebrate with you?” Looked at the floor and then you him and nod. Z felt glad you thought of his feelings but he never wanted you to worried about something you liked to do every year. Z may not like the fact that the holiday was made upon Christian beliefs but it doesn’t have to include praying to a god that hates them. He then hugged you trying to comfort you. Though he still doesn’t get human emotions he still tries to learn. “It doesn’t always have to be about Christian stuff. If anything, I’ve learned that we can just enjoy it regardless of those beliefs or not. Sorry if I made you worry though.” You could feel a rush of relief and joy from hearing that. You hugged them back glad you don’t have to worry anymore. Z could sense this and he smiled. “Now C’mon! Those branches aren’t going to burn themselves!” He said as you you then laughed at how excited he was just to burn some sticks and branches. Thankfully the fire wasn’t too big. After that you finally put up your little Christmas tree.

This year feel more magical somehow, more than ever before ♥️🖤

✨🌹Have a lovely Christmas dear anon. Sorry this took so long. I ran into a writers block. Thankfully I’ve gotten my motivation back.🌹✨

[blindmagdalena]

Hey so I just had some coffee and immediately I started thinking about the Justice League (from the early 00’s cartoons) and the Seven and if they switched worlds/had a crossover. And boy did I have a Pepe Silvia moment.

But one thing that’s making me realize the real differences between Homelander and Superman. Is that Superman had parents that raised him like a human. Superman had the childhood that Homelander wanted. (And also needed tbh)

It also reminded me of the Christmas episode when Superman invited Martian Manhunter to spend Christmas with him and his parents. And just how open they were to having a 6’7 Martian in their house on Christmas Eve!!! Also in that episode it is revealed that Superman still believes in Santa Clause. I just wanted to add that part in.

(Sorry this is all over the place this is why I don’t drink coffee very often.)

But the reason why I bring up the Christmas episode is that I picture Homelander being invited in by Superman’s parents for a slice of apple pie and coffee. And Homelander just melting. Like when he was having breakfast at Becca’s. But with more of getting the hug you never knew you needed energy.

And how in this one comic Superman was basically not having a great mental health week. He left Metropolis and went back to Kansas and spent a few days with his mom. And basically needed a pep talk from his family and childhood friends.

It just reminded me that even Superman has people to fall back on when he is feeling vulnerable.

While Homelander only has himself. (And Black Noir to an extent)

One last thing is that in the animated series it seemed people aren’t really afraid of Superman. I remember people getting in Superman’s face and outwardly disagreeing with him. While with Homelander everyone is walking on egg shells. Heck some plot points were Lois Lane writing articles saying that Superman is whack.

All in all at first I thought this crossover would’ve been like the Justice League being surprised that the only real threat is Vought. And the Seven having to comprehend that magic and aliens exist.

Aside from the murdering. I feel like Homelander would be thrilled to fight actual villains.

Sorry this is very long I just think this fascinating to look at. And going past the obvious differences of morals.

Plus I just want Homie to have a nice slice of homemade apple pie.

this was such a fun read! i am someone who has had pretty limited exposure to Superman. the only DC content i really engaged with was Batman: TAS. but you raise a lot of good points about why Homelander works so well as a counterpart to Superman: he's not JUST Superman but evil. he's not JUST the idea that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Homelander was stripped of everything that made Superman a super man except for his powers. Superman's powers didn't make him a hero. love is what made Superman.

i think Kripke has a very good fundamental understanding of what made Superman such an engaging character, despite the rep he gets nowadays as being bland or boring, and why so many edgy interpretations of him fall flat. it's this fundamental comprehension that gave him the PERFECT basis to build Superman's antithesis.

i can't speak to The Boys comics, i don't and won't read them, but Kripke's Homelander works BECAUSE he so deeply craves everything that Superman had. because he really did want to be the hero that Vought writes those scripts for. but the thing about being a hero is that you first have to be able to recognize someone who needs saving. Homelander isn't equipped to do this. he doesn't see the value in people who don't have serve a purpose to him because he never fucking learned how. Superman was loved, and in turn was taught to love. he loves people indiscriminately. he saves people both because he can, and because he must. it's ingrained in him. what more could the world hope for from a man with the power of a god? and that's exactly what he is; hope. He is everything Madelyn told Homelander he's supposed to be: hope, baseball, apple pie, sunshine. except where Superman actually got all that, Homelander never did. Homelander was taught from a young age that people, by in large, are disposable, and that he is special. different. alien. the opposite of Superman's extremely human upbringing. Homelander got the bad room. he got scientists in white coats waving at him through glass windows. he got a father who tortured him and a dozen faceless surrogate mothers who's hearts jumped every time they lied 'i love you' to his face. phew, i'm very longwinded!!! but i agree with you wholeheartedly. someone get that man some pie! i actually just watched that episode where he corrects Stan Edgar about there being super villains! Homelander was chomping at the bit for an evil to fight in order to make himself the hero he wanted to be. to show the world he's the good guy. not really because it's the right thing to do. but for the validation it brings. It's an unfathomable crime that Vought raised him to be the very evil he was made to thwart.

[rocknrollsalad]

Title: I See That It's Me Who's Lost and Never Found Rating: General Word Count: 1890 Ships: Steddie Major tags: depression Additional tags: I can't think of anything Summary: Eddie has been slowly introducing Steve to his music to better learn Steve's tastes and find that perfect middle ground. Thew newest album found a little more than either of them expected. AO3 Collection: here Author's Note: This came from a prompt on discord to use Dio's Rainbow in the Dark as a prompt and this is what I came up with. it's not much but I like it.

Music was a major part of Eddie’s life but Steve could take it or leave it. Sure he’d click the radio on when he drove to work but he didn’t always give a lot of thought to which station. His parents gifted him albums they heard were popular and his grandparents would send records of stuff that’d never been popular. 

Friends had always shared their favorites with him and he’d eventually associate the music with the person. Not loving the songs as much as the memories attached. Robin’s mixtape for deep cleaning days at Scoops was something he still had memorized. There were a few bands he didn’t like, again, not because of their music but because of who listened to them or where he’d heard it last. 

Still, it was nice. Collecting all these bits of people he knows, people he cares about, and putting them in a mismatched little collection just for him. Like people who bring rocks back from every vacation. 

Eddie was now folded into that. Dropping little bits of himself into Steve’s musical taste. He was so eager to share his massive music collection with Steve that the first time he brought music over for Steve it was twenty tapes shoved in a grocery bag. Some were entire albums, bought from a store, others were mix tapes recorded off the radio. All of it was very, very Eddie.

It wasn’t all metal either. He also had bits of other people folded into what was expected. Stuff Wayne had taught him about, albums his old neighbor gave him, and others he wouldn’t talk about. There were as many surprises as expected albums. 

Steve learned there was no shortage of tapes either. They were coming out of everywhere. Yet with all that selection, Eddie seemed to pick one and carry it everywhere. Stuffed in his pocket like a wallet because god forbid they took a drive and didn’t listen to the album of the moment. 

Music meant something to Eddie though. Tunes were prepared just in case. Not an afterthought but a reason to gather. Something to be experienced, digested and played to death. With it not being a big concern for Steve, it was easy to default to what Eddie wanted to listen to. Sometimes Eddie would ask, though, he’d offer to let Steve pick the music or he’d pull from Steve’s limited selection and just decide that’s what they were listening to.

Not that Steve didn’t like what Eddie listened to. He wasn’t going to rush out and buy everything Black Sabbath ever made or fight to be front row at Judas Priest but there were albums he preferred over others. Something Eddie took diligent notes on and brought over new music accordingly. 

It’d been a while since Eddie had dropped off music homework but he said he needed Steve to listen to this one for data purposes. Straddling the line between things Steve had enjoyed and ones he’d been less excited about, this album held the answers to cracking the code. According to Eddie. 

The album was Holy Diver by Dio, a name Steve had heard plenty of times. In a weird way, a name he already felt an attachment to after wearing it across his shoulders. It’d become synonymous with not just Eddie but a crush, the journey of self-discovery that followed, and the trying on of new labels that fit better than that vest. (Which is to say nothing the war waged whilst wearing it)

Making it odd this never came up. If it was a band Steve already linked to Eddie, one he could name, he should have known a song or two but it’d been months since they started this journey of musical discovery. Leaving Steve a little too curious to hear it. He’d yet to be excited about an album but this one didn’t wait around long.  

Eddie had come back for the review after Steve had the tape for a couple of weeks and oh how he’d listened to it. More than any other album and he’d gone so far as to bring it into the car when he had to head out of town the other day. Something Eddie couldn’t learn about or Steve would never hear the end of it. 

For now, he sat clicking the cassette case open and closed, there was something so satisfying about the sound it made. It kept a lot of Steve’s attention as Eddie asked his questions. Steve played his part, answered like he always did, and downplayed how he felt about it. Carefully peppering in real feelings and testing to see how Eddie handled the review. 

It was the first time Steve had something more to offer than which songs he liked or how he felt about the lead singer’s voice. He just had to figure out a way to share this all with Eddie.

The normal stuff was quickly exhausted though and Steve was left with a bit of awkward silence. He had more he could say and he’d practiced putting it into words. However, faced with something other than his empty room, it was a little harder to get them out. The last time he’d reviewed something beyond the basics it was to say it brought on headaches. Something both personal and accurate. Eddie was surprisingly understanding in that situation but this was so much more. 

“Do you know that one, uh, Rainbow in the Dark?” Steve asked, smoothing his finger along the spine of the tape, adamantly not looking at Eddie. 

Eddie gently took Steve’s hand and robbed him of the comfort he was providing himself. Also giving the all too real reminder someone else was here, his words were being heard. 

“Of course, it’s a great song. I mean, maybe not one of my favorites but I don’t try and skip it or anything either. I keep it cranked when that comes on,” Eddie kept his voice soft, like late-night conversations they didn’t want heard but were secretly thankful the other was there for. 

“What does it…what’s it about? I mean, a rainbow in the dark? That’s not even possible, right?” 

“You’re not supposed to think about it that hard. It just sounds cool?” 

Steve’s eyes wander up, and that familiar feeling of doing it wrong started to paint the edges of Eddie’s words. Like there’s a joke sitting under them, waiting to be revealed, because Steve can’t even listen to music right. He can’t do anything right. So he nods in agreement, better to just feel dumb for a minute than explain himself and hear how dumb he’s being. 

Unlike Robin or Dustin or Erica, Eddie doesn’t accept the silent resignation. His forefinger slips under Steve’s chin as he forced eye contact. The gesture showed off the way Eddie softened while Steve wasn’t looking. The vibrating excitement of talking about music has disappeared and his big brown eyes were trying to read Steve, to assess this situation. 

“What about the song?” he asks in the quietest of voices. One that would shock the Hellfire Club too used to their boisterous, animated leader. 

“Well, it’s just like, the lyrics maybe do mean something? They do totally sound cool, I wasn’t sure if they were, like, talking about the good things coming out of bad or impossible things maybe? I listened to it a lot.” 

“You did?” 

“A lot,” Steve sighed. Admitting it felt a little less shameful than he’d expected. 

“Tell me about it? What-what-what…why that song?” 

“I think it’s kinda hard to explain. I thought I was going to bring the song up and you’d go off on what it means to you and I could just agree.”

Steve shifted in his seat for what felt like the millionth time, why his bed wasn’t comfortable anymore didn’t make a lot of sense but Steve couldn’t find a good way to sit. Eddie moved enough to let him shift and returned a hand to some part of Steve each time. 

“You wanna try anyways?” 

Flopping backward, Steve signed again and Eddie turned to face him, rubbing a hand on Steve’s thigh. The constant touch took a while to get used to and even now, Steve didn’t feel deserving of it. Unfortunately, he’d run out of ways to try and convince Eddie of that so he focused on the warmth and comfort Eddie’s hand provided.

“It’s about not being able to be what you know you can, right? You know how sometimes I don’t want to go do whatever and Robin has to come to drag me out of bed? I always have fun, I’m usually glad I went but, like, it’s hard to get there. He says the lightning is free but he’s not.” 

Eddie didn’t say anything but he nodded, still paying attention completely. 

“That didn’t make a lot of sense, it’s not the same thing, those two things. Robin’s making sure I don’t stay trapped or whatever, like, I don’t let myself? But that’s different than being free because I’ve never been that, ya know? Not really.” 

“No, it made sense. I got you,” Eddie said with a smile. 

Steve didn’t need any prompting now, the floodgate had opened. He hadn’t expected the relief he felt though even as he struggled to put coherent sentences together. 

“You know? It’s needing help but help isn’t coming so you just have to hide it. Maybe that’s the rainbow part? Since you can’t see it in the dark, it’s hiding. But it’s also kind of like all the stuff we’ve seen too. We can’t talk about it and me and you? We probably carry pieces of the literal demon, which obviously the singer doesn't mean but we’re in a weird position. All that stuff, it bogs you down, man. It’s hard.” 

“This one spoke to you, huh?” 

“I liked the whole side, I probably played it out.” 

That brought out that soft smile with sad eyes that people did all the time. Steve hated it. He earned it back in childhood, back before he knew what it meant. Eddie, however, followed it up by laying down. With his head on Steve’s chest, it was Eddie’s turn to take a moment and pick his words.

“If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I’m here, right? No matter what or when. And if you want to talk to someone else, I’m okay with that too. Professionally, I mean, because if you start spilling your guts to Wheeler, I might get a bit jealous.” 

“Does it matter which one?” 

“Very funny. I’m serious though. You don’t have to hide in the dark.” 

The way Eddie’s voice wavered when he said that, the way he didn’t take the joke as a path out of this conversation, had Steve aware of the tears building up. He’d been holding them back and he was thankful Eddie couldn’t see as they started to fall. Something Steve showed appreciation for by rubbing Eddie’s back. A gesture he hoped also conveyed his thanks.

They lay like that for a while. Supporting each other was always a bit tricky, Steve struggled more than Eddie, but this felt right. He’d let out everything he was thinking and it was accepted, not mocked or used against him. Things felt a little lighter…a little brighter. 

[e-devotion]

I choose to be thankful

1 Thessalonians 5:18  NLT  

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 

That is one of the most important parts of life.  Being thankful is not only a choice but a way of life.  The way we look at things and people and situations ought to create more faith than fear, bring freedom instead of bondage, and insight more than blindness.

That is why I take a little time today to be thankful for a few things that mean the most to me.  Each of the things I share mean much to me, but there are many more things too.

I am thankful for my wife.  We have now spent more than 31 years together, fought battles together, enjoyed celebrations together, lived though some of the most difficult things together, experienced some of the greatest joys together.  Next Wednesday will be our 31st anniversary, and I am over the top thankful for Julie as she is a gift from God.

I am thankful for our church.  The Community Fellowship has been in existence for almost 18 years serving those who are hungry, hurting or homeless by meeting needs and telling them about Jesus.  That happens through “demonstrating the love of God to our community” and beyond.  This remains true today as it did way back in 2006.  I am thankful for this blessing.

I am thankful for the passion God has put in my heart.  Passion comes out in lots of ways.  You can see it as I talk about our kids and grand kids.  You can also learn from my God-given passion when I share about helping friends who are homeless or those battling addiction.  That passion also extends to the mission work I get to be part of in Cuba.  I am thankful for this important passion.

I am thankful that God gave me purpose, has refined that purpose in the last few years and continues to fuel the purpose He has given me.  And it is still pat of who I am and in everything I get to do.  I am thankful for the purpose of sharing Jesus and helping others know that each has been given potential from God.

Psalm 50:14  NLT  

Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God, and keep the vows you made to the Most High.

Being thankful is a sacrifice because it is part of our prayers and our praise.  Being thankful is also something that reminds us that God is the giver and I am blessed to be part of what He is doing.

I choose to be thankful.  Now, it is your turn.  What are you most thankful for?

Colossians 2:7  NLT  

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

[sunsfade]

OH DRUNKEN GODS OF SLAUGHTER pinterest link 1. pinterest link 2. baldur's gate iii, fantasy universe.

(temporary) summary: istar works as durge, even if there are. some minor differences. in short, post mystra's ""death"" a few centuries back, talos wanted to take over her realm and even pretended, with an avatar, to be the god of wild magic. knowing no god would let him (considering the god of destruction/wind being in charge of magic isnt exactly a good idea), he decided to leave a little gift for her. he created a being from all the magic that was not constrained by the weave, and then sent it faaaar away so that the child would not be found until he needs them. that child being istar. bhaal, when choosing his bhaalspawns, did feel something was different about that one. she was prone to destruction, he felt it, and decided to claim her. he did what he usually does with bhaalspawns, but he. paid special attention to her. she was an interesting weapon, not yet honed but brimming with potential. and he decided she'd be his to wield.

like all bhaalspawns, she grew up with visions, then bloodlust. she brought a certain amount of chaos everywhere she went. despite being apparently human, she did stop to age at some point. she spent some decades with a tribe of elves in a forest named eryri, which she used in order to name herself pre-tadpole. they're the ones who taught her how to control her magic. humans destroyed and set fire to the tribe to steal some of their resources, and in return istar went. bonkers….. she went on a quest for revenge, and killed every person that ever had anything to do with the orders being given, which resulted in basically wiping out a kingdom from existence. (there are legends, now, about that) at that point, bhaal considered her ready and brought her home. slowly but surely, she climbed within the cult. not because she was motivated, but because making these ruthless choices was terribly easy. compared to orin, istar is much more. calculative. her way of killing is absolutely brutal and ruthless but there is always an amount of… choice, in it. she doesn't kill for the sake of killing. she kills with purpose. it is what orin despises about her (the whole thing about. bhaal doesn't care if you kill a king or a pauper. but istar does. because istar craves power. istar craves revenge. istar wants to be in a position where no one can ever bring her grief again) which is how she even got into plotting with gortash in the first place

but istar did bring something with her out of eryri… a small dragon, too young to be a real threat. it was her tether to humanity, in a way, which made it her biggest liability. orin took advantage of that, slaughtered the creature, and it gave her the leverage she needed to take down istar, sending her with a tadpole to moonrise towers. post waking up, istar is. a little bit feral. and i do mean that in every sense of the word, even in the way she acts or moves. even the way she looks bc orin sent her on her way after cutting off most of her hair (that istar kept very long in honor of her tribe's customs) and kressa's torture, which resulted in a certain amount of scars. magically healed, yes, but still visible. anyway. shes very much a wild dog trying to remember that biting barking and growling aren't the only tools she has. sometimes works, sometimes doesnt. during act 1, her answer to everything is using intimidation every step of the way ahdjndkd which is funny when u consider that. 1. shes a 5'2 human. and 2. she's a storm sorceress with a taste for just. using her nails teeth and fists whenever the need arise. and 3. she cant wield a sword or anything bigger than a dagger aghbjdnd hmmm what else? she very much is chaotic neutral, making choices either according to what is best for her or best for her allies. while she has manyyyyy flaws at least shes loyal ig.

important meta:

istar & her magic.

istar & talos.

istar's story is a story of grief.

an evil playthrough?

my canon concerning bhaalspawns.

if you're playing durge too, read this.

an overview of her bg3 verse.

istar after her ascension. (post-game option)

[theysaidhush]

Teaching your Sub!Fox!Yeonjun how to dom you!

We all now that foxes have a bad reputation. They’re sly.

Teaching your sly fox how to dom you was not very hard, he kinda had that dom vibe, it was just sleeping. When he asked you to teach him how to dom you, you were both in the middle of something important. You were riding him slowly, taking him deeply as you were stroking his ears and tugging on his hair. He let that out with a moan, panting heavily as he was trying to not cry from the pure pleasure he was feeling. Obviously you stopped your movement and he whined, trying to snap his hips into yours which earned him a tug on his tail - cuz yeah he can a brat sometimes. Later he asked you again and you were like "yeah I kinda wanna see what kind of dom you are" and huh, he’s a mean dom, but that’s a story for another day.

Teaching your lil fox how to dom you means that you’ll have to show him EVERYTHING. How to wrap his hand around your throat, how to make you gag on his dick and not feel bad afterwards, how to manhandle you to bend him to his will. You basically taught him how to turn you into the perfect sub/little mate. He was concerned and messed up few times. Whoops, his grip on your throat is too tight! Oh! did he hurt you while slamming his fat cock into your warm cunt? Ish, he’s tugging on your hair a bit too hard. You would plead - "Yeonjun, stop it you’ve already made me cum four times!", or "Too fast t-too fast !". But can you blame him? He’s just pussy drunk and despite getting a grab on the dom personality he’s still your needy boy who will dry hump your ass because you’re not paying attention to him. So once you gave him power over you ? He’s needy AND in charge.

Remember how I said that foxes are sly? Yeah. Plus we’re talking about Yeonjun. He would probably act clueless the two times you taught him how to dom you because he wanna keep the surprise but the third time? God you created a MONSTER. Honestly you should have expected it since he had always been a bratty sub but now? You flipped a switch and he only know how to dom you in the meanest way possible. Needy and subby fox no more, he’s Renard whose only purpose is to beat his own record of ‘how-many-time-can-i-make-her-cum-in-one-night’. Your new Dom!Yeonjun, with his tail wagging like one of a happy dog, groaning in your ear as he’s thrusting relentlessly in your pussy and only to lap at all your mixed juices afterwards. Dom!Yeonjun making you cum on his finger again and again, forbidding you from touching his fluffy ears for comfort cuz he made you cry and moan.

Yup you definitely created a monster.

[pastorsnotebook]

𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗬𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚 "DOESN'T ALWAYS" 𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗡𝗦 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝗔 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗢𝗡

"𝙎𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝘿𝙚𝙫𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙉𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙨"

Passages that seem to support this teaching:

𝘙𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘴 8:28 "𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘎𝘰𝘥, 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘏𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦."

One time, I preached with a Theme "Everything happens for a reason" using Romans 8:28 as a passage. But as I grew deeper spiritually in studying the bible passages I am using... I discovered that EVERYTHING "DOESN'T ALWAYS" HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

These are the five analization points that I used before but the Holy Spirit corrected me and taught me these truth:

𝙖. 𝙉𝙊 𝙀𝙓𝙀𝙈𝙋𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉: "𝘼𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨" – everything whether it is good or bad, yes, there's a certain reason. But not everything we put our mistake and failure's accountability to God.

There's no exemption to this. If we do mistakes and fail sometimes, remember that God doesn't make us and intend us to fail. We are the one who chose wrong decision because of our freewill and sometimes because of our emotional standards and not biblical standards. It is not God who is in charge why we chose wrongly... don't put God as accountable when we do mistakes. Sadly, many people tend to do bad decisions and let other be accountable for their personal decisions. Many call this as "pa-VICTIM" effect. They are the cause but do blame game if the results are bad.

Anyway, there's a reason for us to learn and gain knowledge from bad even worst experiences we've been through. Maybe that would be the reason how we would manage to keep us failing again.

Remember again... not "all things" God intended these failures to happen unto us. So not everything "God made it" happen for a reason.

𝙗. 𝙉𝙊 𝙀𝙓𝙋𝙇𝙊𝙄𝙏𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉: “𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙩𝙤𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧” – this does not say all things happen for a reason – in context God is telling us that since the Spirit is interceding for us then no matter what happens He will turn it for our good so His divine purpose will not be thwarted.

𝙘. 𝙉𝙊 𝙀𝙓𝘾𝙐𝙎𝙀𝙎: “𝙏𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙂𝙤𝙙”–

John 14:21 He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” [“Loving God” = obedience to Him] that's what this word means. If we love God, we will be directed to do His will and keep us from sinning. This word is not an excuse and doesn't support the word "everything happens for a reason."

𝙙. 𝙉𝙊 𝙀𝙓𝘾𝙇𝙐𝙎𝙄𝙊𝙉: “𝙏𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙”–

whom He foreknew, He predestined. Yes! To do good works according to Ephesians 2:10

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." This passage doesn't support "everything happens for a reason." But clearly states that if we are called, then we are created to be good and righteous in God's sight. These words in Romans 8:28 never meant to make us fail or to do mistakes then exclude ourselves as an accountable for what we did.

𝙚. 𝙉𝙊 𝙀𝙓𝙋𝙄𝙍𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉: “𝘼𝙘𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙃𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚” -

- this word stands for the perpetuation of His covenant. God not purposely makes us fail and then giving us rights to say "Everything Happens for a Purpose" God's promises doesn't expire, yes, no expiration to every individuals if only... Yes, if only we trust and obey to God's commandments. Most of God's promises have prerequisite of certain obedience and trust to Him for us not to tempt and fail but for us to test and succeed. Yes, God even gave answers before these testings, the bible itself we can found the life's greatest answers from the life's greatest questions.

Pondering question:

IF EVER, we truly believed using "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON" supported by Romans 8:28 error we would never:

a) Speak to the mountain because the mountain would be something God put there for some reason.

b) Bind and loose because whatever was before us would be within the framework of the will of God.

c) Resist the devil because everything we encounter would fall under the heading of “Everything” – even God using the devil to teach us something.

d) Take medicine and try to get well since the infirmity would be from God to teach us something.

Verses to take:

Psalm 37:23

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

To God be the glory!

#PastorsNotebook

[roman-catholic-mass-readings]

10th January >> Mass Readings (Except USA)

Tuesday, First Week in Ordinary Time 

(Liturgical Colour: Green)

First Reading Hebrews 2:5-12 The one who sanctifies and the ones who are sanctified are of the same stock.

God did not appoint angels to be rulers of the world to come, and that world is what we are talking about. Somewhere there is a passage that shows us this. It runs: What is man that you should spare a thought for him, the son of man that you should care for him? For a short while you made him lower than the angels; you crowned him with glory and splendour. You have put him in command of everything. Well then, if he has put him in command of everything, he has left nothing which is not under his command. At present, it is true, we are not able to see that everything has been put under his command, but we do see in Jesus one who was for a short while made lower than the angels and is now crowned with glory and splendour because he submitted to death; by God’s grace he had to experience death for all mankind. As it was his purpose to bring a great many of his sons into glory, it was appropriate that God, for whom everything exists and through whom everything exists, should make perfect, through suffering, the leader who would take them to their salvation. For the one who sanctifies, and the ones who are sanctified, are of the same stock; that is why he openly calls them brothers in the text: I shall announce your name to my brothers, praise you in full assembly.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 8:2,5-9

R/ You gave your Son power over the works of your hand.

How great is your name, O Lord our God, through all the earth! What is man that you should keep him in mind, mortal man that you care for him?

R/ You gave your Son power over the works of your hand.

Yet you have made him little less than a god; with glory and honour you crowned him, gave him power over the works of your hand, put all things under his feet.

R/ You gave your Son power over the works of your hand.

All of them, sheep and cattle, yes, even the savage beasts, birds of the air, and fish that make their way through the waters.

R/ You gave your Son power over the works of your hand.

Gospel Acclamation James 1:21

Alleluia, alleluia! Accept and submit to the word which has been planted in you and can save your souls. Alleluia!

Or: cf. 1 Thessalonians 2:13

Alleluia, alleluia! Accept God’s message for what it really is: God’s message, and not some human thinking. Alleluia!

Gospel Mark 1:21-28 Unlike the scribes, he taught them with authority.

Jesus and his disciples went as far as Capernaum, and as soon as the sabbath came he went to the synagogue and began to teach. And his teaching made a deep impression on them because, unlike the scribes, he taught them with authority. In their synagogue just then there was a man possessed by an unclean spirit and it shouted, ‘What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are: the Holy One of God.’ But Jesus said sharply, ‘Be quiet! Come out of him!’ And the unclean spirit threw the man into convulsions and with a loud cry went out of him. The people were so astonished that they started asking each other what it all meant. ‘Here is a teaching that is new’ they said ‘and with authority behind it: he gives orders even to unclean spirits and they obey him.’ And his reputation rapidly spread everywhere, through all the surrounding Galilean countryside.

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

[chaoticbritishqueen]

Golden Trio Headcannons:

Ron was the one who taught Harry how to tie his shoe laces, after he noticed Harry tucked his laces into his shoes. "No-one ever cared enough to teach me..." "I care enough."

Both Ron and Harry were with Hermione when she started her period for the first time. "I'm...BLEEDING" "Calm down, it's your period, its just the shock of it, My sister got hers last year." "should I get Mcgonagall-"

Ron is the only one of the 3 who regularly goes to breakfast, he tends to pack toast in his bag to give to Harry and Hermione because sometimes they forget or they just don't bother and IT WORRIES HIM-

Harry and Hermione have the same favourite book as a child. Matilda, both relate to the book in very different ways. "It just gave me hope, really, she discovered her magic and found someone who loved her." "Harry, you also found people who love you" "I know"

Harry memorised how ron and Hermione drink their tea. Ron dash of milk, lots of sugar. Hermione, lots of milk, 1 sugar. He makes the best cups of tea. "It's really a ghastly amount of Sugar Ron-" "Your tea is literally whiter than me, don't judge"

Ron bakes treacle tart and jam tarts for Harry and Hermiones birthdays.

Harry and Hermione were once mistaken for siblings, and neither of them corrected the person. "Yeah, she's my older sister" ron would never forget the smiles on their faces. Everytime Hermione would go back to that Cafe, they would always ask about her younger brother.

Hermione was also the first person to hug Harry since he was placed with the Dursleys when he was 1. Ron was the second person to hug him.

Harry used to leave change around Rons room when he knew he was a few sickles short of something he knew Ron wanted. Because Ron would never accept money from Harry. Ron never found out, but Hermione saw him do it one day. "Your secret is safe with me"

Ron and Hermione are the Godparents to Harry and Ginny's children. And vice Versa. (Exept Lily Luna, whose God Parents are Neville and Luna)

Harry has a photo album filled with photos of him and his friends, that made in 2nd year, that album starts with him and ron and hermione, and ends with him and his family together.

It was actually Hermione who taught Harry how to tie his tie for school, and she wouldn't let him get on the boat without "being in proper uniform. Just because your the boy who lived doesn't mean you can just not tie your tie."

Harry and Ron were eachothers best men.

Ron and Hermione sometimes purposely walk slowly, when Harry finally starts to open up, so that he has more time to talk and won't close back up when they near where they're going.

Harry and Ron carrying some of hermiones work for her in lessons they share, because "Mione, you'll break your back carrying all that?!?!" "Yeah Ron's right- why the fuck do you have so much paper?!?!" "Parchment" "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT HERMIONE-"

Harry and hermione sharing their favourite muggle treats with ron "Mars bars mine" "I've always loved strawberry laces myself!!" And Ron sharing his favourite wizard treats with them.

Harry teaching Ron how to cook the muggle way and Ron teaching Harry how to cook the magic way. (Hermione was banned from the kitchen after she got frustrated with the spells and just decided to leave the boys to it as they actually enjoyed it) "I mean, you cooked for us during the hunt, the least we can do is cook for you now!" "You don't have to be good at everything, babe!!" "FINE-"

Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione make sure too meet up for lunch at least twice a week, as they have busy lives now and they want to make that effort too see eachother. They've only missed around 15 of these, either because of honeymoons, child birth, Harry being "INJURED WHAT THE FUCK MATE DID YOU DO?!" "He was stabbed" "LIGHTLY stabbed" "YOU BLOODY PASSED OUT FROM BLOOD LOSS-" "eh" "EH?!?!?"

[critgoblin]

the thing abt widobrave is like….. talk about transformative queer love. talk about transcending labels. talk about transcending LOVE. these two. they are the very best - the very best - of the ways queer people love. messy and destructive and tragic and violent and brilliant and tender and enormous. enormous. no rules. no conditions. no labels and no limits. subverting the expectations, subverting the narrative.

veth loves caleb with the kind of energy that fuels stars and black holes, that keeps the universe expanding and the oceans unmoored. she loves him like a law of physics, chemistry, astronomy. the kind of love that can only come from knowing someone all the way down to the little worms in their bones. caleb has seen veth at her worst, at her ugliest, at her lowest. he’s seen her three inches from the edge, soaked in her own self-loathing, caked in hatred, and burning with fear. and not once did he ever look away. he took her by the hand and he pulled her out of the dark and he didn’t let go. he has never let go. he is the only soul in this world who has never let go. and so veth will put herself in front of monsters for him. will spill herself out on the ground, blood and entrails and all, to keep him breathing.

and caleb… caleb will love veth until the universe burns itself out. he will love her with everything he has, and in any capacity that she will let him. he is a beaten, broken, tortured man, and veth taught him everything he knows about love. she taught him love; vicious, bloody, desperate, raw, unconditional love. he has built his purpose out of the blood, sweat, and tears she has spent over him, and he has committed himself to her utterly. there is no future for caleb without veth, because all he has made himself out to be is because of her. because she dug her claws into him and kept them there, because she gave him a reason, because when he told her he murdered his family, she looked him in the eye and told him to forgive himself.

they are lovers and best friends and life partners and soulmates, they are family and blood and a reason to keep fighting at the end of the day. they have died for each other, and they have survived for each other. veth tore caleb down to the bone and built him back up with pieces of herself, and then caleb ripped out half his heart and put it still pulpy and beating back into veth’s chest. veth is his reason, his dawn, the rope off the endless cliff. and he is her lucky star, her heart’s other half, the second love of her life. they are two lost souls who found each other among the rotting flotsam of old lives and cauterized wounds. they crashed headfirst into their lonely, frantic orbits and grew flowers and daggers from the ruins. there is nothing veth wouldn’t do for caleb, and there is no force or god in this world that could keep him from her side. their love for one another is the beginning and end, it is the way the story starts and finishes. it is everything and all at once. no moderation. no moderation.

[biderboy]

ron showed his love differently than most people

he wasn’t good with words and he sometimes had a hard time showing affection

but he loved, god did he love

he grew up with 6 siblings, each their own person, he had to learn to love differently

bill loved in an old way, he wrote them letters and gave them old books. he sat down and did their hair, helped with homework. he taught him to ride a broom and how to treat people with respect. he constantly checked up on his siblings and made sure they were okay.

charlie loved loudly. he sent postcards and magical trinkets. he came barreling into the burrow and scooped them into his arms. he ruffled their hair and shouted how proud he was of them. he left traces of magic and love everywhere he stepped. he was their biggest fan.

percy loved quietly. he stood back and observed, made sure everyting was okay. kept them out of trouble, followed the rules so he could make their punishments less severe. cleaned up after them, ordered food for the younger ones, taught himself how to be responsible so he could be there for them.

the twins loved playfully. the played pranks and made fun. they stole their books and hid their wands. they ridiculed their taste in fashion and hexed their favorite toys into dancing. the laughed loudly at all jokes, the paid close attention to whoever was speaking. they tuned in to their likes and dislikes and made sure nobody disrespected them.

ginny loved protectively. she hugged and held. she stood infront of and yelled. she learned to be mean so that nobody would try to hurt them. she supported and encouraged anything and everything. she knew how to push limits and take a step back. she made sure they were all comfortable.

and ron? well ron just loved.

he was always a bit insecure. thinking maybe h wasn’t doing it right. everyone made it seem so easy, and ron didn’t want to mess up.

but ron loved, so hard.

ron picked up a pair of earrings he thought bill would like and left him in his older brothers room

ron took the time to learn all about the different types of dragons and how to care for them so he could keep a conversation with charlie about something that made his brothers eyes light up

ron tried to stay out of trouble since he knew percy was always there to get him out of it, but it put more stress on his brother

ron gladly let the twins play new pranks on him and mess up his clothes and hex his hair blue because they laughs it got out of everyone, especially the two who tended to go off on their own, it made them feel closer

ron played quidditch at ungodly hours with ginny because he knew how much the sport meant to her, and that was worth getting only 2 hours of sleep and having bruises for the next week

ron stood by his brothers side when he came out as bisexual, smiling gand hugging him, saying he was so proud

ron stayed up late with the twins, letting them share out their fears and insecurities, calming them with words of “youre still my brothers, that’s enough”

ron cried when charlie decided to leave home but helped his brother pack and let him excitedly talk about how happy he was going to be, and just smiled and sid “you better write”

ron understood why percy chose the ministry and was not mad nor angry, he knew his brother was just trying to save them, to fight for what he believed would help them all get out, he stood up for him and said he was brave

he cheered for ginny when she admitted to being in love with his best friend, he was not jealous or upset, he pulled them both into a hug and smiled because “you deserve love”

ron left their favorite candy on the kitchen table

ron purposely let them pick their favorite movies

ron went out of his way to find books and plants and trinkets of all sorts that he thought they would enjoy

ron saw stars and art and heard music and seen sunrises and thought of them

ron made hot chocolate, each sibling liking their different, every christmas morning

ron hated cleaning but would organize the mess incase one of his siblings got frustrated from it

ron liked looking at the snow rather than playing in it but never once failed to join his family outside

ron wrote letters to his brothers when they were away and attached small drawings and enchantments that reminded him of them

ron got overwhelmed easily and hated noise and movement but he still would prefer to be in his brothers company tha anyone else’s

ron was terrible at cooking but helped ginny bake for harry’s birthday and even took the blame when things turned out horrid

ron wasn’t sure if he was loving correctly, he didn’t hug or shout, he didn’t comfort that well and he was bad at a lot of things

but ron loved. and that, wether he knew it or not, was the best thing he could do.

[jenoismydad]

2 + 3 = You In Me

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Pairing: Tutor!Jaemin x Fem!Reader

Genre: Smut (pwp), Slight Angst, College AU

Words: 4.6k+

Warnings: 18+ content. Unprotected sex.

Synopsis: He agrees to tutor you and you end up becoming good friends even though you both so clearly want to be more. What happens when you let you bodies talk for you?

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Jaemin was coming over to help you prepare for a test. You had no clue how he'd agreed to assist you, but you were thankful nonetheless. Jaemin rarely ever studied with girls. Mostly because they were always hitting on him. But it seemed you were an exception. You wondered why but you figured it was because he was trying to make some extra money.

Yes, Jaemin made you pay him. He made everyone pay him so you didn't think too much of it. From what you'd heard, his methods never failed to prove effective. You hoped he could help you study well enough to pass this test. After all, a majority of your grade depended on it.

You'd spent a good amount of your time trying to prepare a nice study space for you both to sit at in your apartment. So far you'd only managed to clean your coffee table and place two cushions for seats at its feet.

Jaemin would be here any minute. You rushed to get everything you'd need for the day, wanting to keep it all ready so that you wouldn't have to interrupt the study session. Your bell rang not soon after. He was here on time.

Opening the door, you welcomed him with a smile. He nodded and entered without a word. Black track pants and a plain white shirt. Jaemin hadn't made much of an effort to dress to impress. He ventured into your dorm, looking around the place silently.

That's when he came across your makeshift study zone. He pointed at it and looked at you.

"We're studying here," he asked, placing his hands in his pockets. He sounded a tad bit dejected. Your eyes widened slightly in panic. Was he not comfortable with sitting on the floor? "Yeah, I figured. Is there a problem," you asked, fearing the worst for no reason. Jaemin shook his head. "Nope, I just thought we were gonna sit in your room. That's where most of the girls take me anyways," he revealed, flashing you a small grin. You immediately felt at ease.

"My room's kind of a mess at the moment," you admitted, joining him near your couch. He took a seat on the floor, placing the cushion behind his back instead. He cleaned his black-rimmed glasses and patted the space next to himself. "Let's get started."

Jaemin was a pro at breaking down the complex concept so that your pea-sized brain could understand it to the fullest. The only drawback with that method was that it took much longer than you'd like it to. Two hours later you'd only finished one of the chapters that would be coming for the test. You still had four more to go.

"Fuck it's already three o'clock," you complained, falling dramatically on the coffee table. Jaemin flipped his pen in his fingers and stretched his body with a yawn. "I don't mind staying overtime," he joked. He'd made a lot of humoring comments during your time with him. The last you'd heard, he tended to be quite serious, never straying from his purpose. Not that you minded or anything, but Jaemin wasn't really meeting the expectations everyone had set for him in your mind. Maybe they were just trying to intimidate you.

"Don't you have to study too," you asked, turning your head to glance at him. He looked at you and shook his head. "I already studied beforehand. Plus, this test's gonna be super easy. You pass it with a breeze," he admitted. As relieving as that sounded, you didn't wanna take any chances. What if he flunked the test because he didn't revise or something. You really didn't want to be the person he blamed when that happened.

"You don't have to stay for my sake. You can go home if you want to. I think I can manage on my own now." you flipped through the pages of your coursebook, sighing in despair. It was a lot to go through. At least you still had half the day left.

Jaemin folded his arms. "Don't worry about me y/n. Not to undermine you, but I don't think you can get through all of this by yourself. I mean, you barely managed to understand the basics. All those chapters just branch off from this one and get increasingly tough to learn."

If this was him trying to convince you to let him stay then it sure as hell was working. You groaned and sat back up. "You promise you won't fail the test because of me then?" Jaemin chuckled. "Of course not. I'll pass with flying colors."

So you resumed studying. Jaemin was right. What he taught you next was more confusing than the first chapter you'd covered. You regretted not paying attention during your lectures. Jaemin never got impatient with you. In fact, he took ample time to make sure you understood everything he explained to you. He was very thorough and you appreciated that. However the more knowledge you absorbed, the more exhausted you felt. It got to the point where you felt like you couldn't study any further. Jaemin then suggested that you take a small break. You couldn't have agreed faster.

"Once we're done you should go through the practice questions that I emailed you," Jaemin reminded, taking a sip of the soda you'd offered him. You gave him a thumbs up and fell on the ground. "You're a lifesaver Na Jaemin."

Jaemin chuckled and turned to you. "I'm guessing it's not just math that you're having a problem with."

You raised your head and narrowed your eyes at him. "Nicely deduced."

"We can get together to study together for your other subjects if you don't mind. No need to pay me either," he offered.

You furrowed your brows. "Jaemin the longer you spend teaching me the dumber you're gonna get."

He brushed you off. "I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that."

"You never know, and besides, after today you should know that it's gonna take five hundred years to clear all my concepts. Do you even have that kind of time?"

Jaemin tilted his soda can at you. "You'd be surprised at how much free time I have on my hands."

You smiled. "Wait so you're actually agreed to be my personal tutor."

Jaemin rolled his eyes amusedly. "It was my proposition but yes. I wouldn't be your personal tutor though. Just a study partner."

You sat up and leaned back. "So like, studying in the library after class and stuff like that?"

He nodded. "If the library's closed we can come here or I can take you to my place."

You pursed your lips, considering his deal. But something paused your train of thoughts. "Wait a minute. Why are you asking me this all of a sudden? You hardly seem like the type of guy who'd study with someone else."

Jaemin downed his drink, wincing at the fizziness that clawed at his throat. "I've had fun studying with you so far. Like, you're genuinely dumb, unlike some other people I tutor who just pretend to be dumb so they can spend a few hours with me."

You raised a brow. Had he just called you dumb? "I'll try not to take offense, thank you very much."

Jaemin apologized with a laugh.

"Does it make you feel smarter in some type of way," you asked? Jaemin hummed in response. "It kinda does now that you mention it. But I also feel like it would help me revise and clear my own concepts at the same time."

That made sense. "Damn, and here I was thinking you wanted to do this cause you were interested in me."

Jaemin's eyes widened. You raised your hands in defense. "It's just a joke. Don't take it seriously," you assured. Jaemin relaxed at that.

"Let's get started again. We're almost halfway there," he said, changing the topic. You agreed and sat beside him again, pen in hand, ready to go.

_

You walked out of your lecture with a bright smile on your face and headed straight to the library. Sure enough, Jaemin was already sitting there, waiting for you patiently. You sent him a small wave and skipped over to him. Handing him your graded test paper, you watched excitedly as his eyes lit up.

"Oh my god. You passed!"

You squealed and sat next to him, placing your bag near your feet. Jaemin smiled up at you. "This is such a good score," he added, glad that he'd been able to help.

"Henceforth we're studying together for every single test. I don't care if you're sick or at a friend's house."

Jaemin laughed and nodded. "Sure thing. If it means seeing you this happy then I'm down."

You froze at his words, glancing towards him. He clearly didn't seem to realize what he'd just said. Maybe you'd heard wrong. It was possible. After all, he was whispering. You didn't exactly have the best track record when it came to listening anyways. Concluding that you were mistaken, you pulled out your books and got to finishing up your assignments.

A few hours later Jaemin and you exited the library. You both usually parted ways since your dorms were in the opposite direction. However today, Jaemin followed behind you.

"What are you doing," you asked when he jogged up next to you. "We should celebrate your achievement today," he suggested. That sounded nice. "Okay then, what do you propose we should do?"

Jaemin pondered on your question. "Let's go to the cafe. I'll buy you coffee and anything else you want."

Coffee was perfect. You nodded and agreed. Jaemin grinned and led you to a small cafe that was just a little outside campus.

You both entered the small shop, the tantalizing scent of coffee hitting your senses immediately. Even though it was almost lunchtime, the cafe was brimming with multitudes of students. Luckily, the queue was short.

"Go find us somewhere nice to sit. I'll buy us some drinks," Jaemin said, pulling out his phone. Before you left, you let him know what you'd like.

Venturing to the back of the cafe, you found a secluded booth for two. It faced a large window, one that gave a fantastic view of the campus. You took a seat and placed your bag next to you. After a couple minutes of waiting, Jaemin emerged with your drinks in hand. He handed you yours before sitting down.

"Iced Americano? I see you're into the classics," you chimed, deciding to spark up a conversation. Jaemin took a sip of his drink. "Simple is the best after all."

Of course, it was. "Hey Jaemin," you started, setting your drink down on the table. He hummed. "Do you wanna come over later today," you asked. Jaemin furrowed his brows. "But we already finished studying."

You shook your head. "Not to study. Let's hang out, maybe watch a movie or something like that."

He seemed a bit taken aback, but nothing too alarming. It was just that you two never really did anything other than study together. Sure enough, you'd become close because of it. But you figured as friends, there were other things you could engage in to pass the time.

"Let's do it. What time should I come over," Jaemin asked? "Does seven work for you? I'll order pizza, so you don't need to worry about dinner."

Jaemin nodded. "Seven works for me."

_

As soon as the clock struck seven, there was a knock on your door. The ever punctual Jaemin would never be a second late. You let him in, eager to get your night started. He walked into your dorm and went straight to your room, plopping down on your bed as if it were his own.

You'd already been browsing on Netflix, wondering what genre he liked. It had never come up in conversation before so you didn't really know.

"What are we watching," he asked, scrolling through the options. You shrugged and joined him on your bed. "I'm not sure. I didn't know what you like," you admitted.

"I usually just watch whatever's in the top ten or 'new this week'," he shared. He stopped at a movie you would never have believed he'd be interested in.

"You wanna watch Yes Day," you asked in disbelief? Jaemin giggled and nodded innocently. "It looks super lame but I've already finished watching everything," he revealed. Here you were thinking you both would watch something more serious instead of a family movie. Instead of spending forty minutes trying to settle on one movie, you decided it best to just go with the first choice.

Jaemin started the movie and leaned back beside you. It was quiet between you both for the most part. You watched the movie in silence. It wasn't as entertaining as you'd thought it would be, but Jaemin seemed to be engrossed in it so you chose to say nothing and continued staring at the screen.

Halfway into the movie, Jaemin stifled a yawn and fell to the side, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He looked at you and pointed to the screen. "Are we gonna keep watching this?"

You let out a breath of relief and exited out of the movie once and for all. "If you didn't like it why'd you make me watch it," you complained, shutting your laptop. Jaemin sat up and crossed his legs. "I thought you were enjoying it. You even laughed at the funny parts."

You stuck your chin out. "You should know what my fake laugh sounds like by now Jaemin." He raised his hands in defense. "The only time I hear you laugh is when you realize you're doing something wrong."

You tsked. "That's called nervous laughter genius. You suck at interpreting emotions."

He hit you with a pillow softly. "Hey, stop making me out for a robot."

"You're the human embodiment of the AI," you joked, dodging the pillow he swung at you. Raising your hands in defense, you shielded yourself from him. "At least I said you're intelligent."

Jaemin paused his attacks. "You're lucky I think you're cute. I'll let you off the hook for now."

You had another one of those moments where you froze, wondering if the words that had come out of his mouth were true or not. He didn't whisper this time. You'd heard everything word for word. But you couldn't believe it.

"Did you just call me cute?"

Jaemin nodded, not seeming too surprised about it. "You aren't not cute," he added. Maybe you were misinterpreting the meaning behind it. Friends called friends cute. It was normal. That didn't mean that they liked each other, did it?

Noticing the conflict in your expression, Jaemin leaned forward and cleared his throat. "I didn't mean it in an 'I have a crush on you' type of way."

Something about that made your stomach churn. You felt uneasy all of a sudden. You wanted to be relieved, that he didn't think of you as more than a friend. But a part of you wished he felt otherwise. You didn't know why, it just did.

You chuckled awkwardly and faced him. "Yeah, of course, you didn't. I don't know why I thought that."

Jaemin hummed and rested his chin on his palm. "Maybe because you wanted it to be true."

"Huh?"

"Maybe you wanted me to tell you that I like you."

You didn't know what to say to that. So you just smiled awkwardly. "But you don't, do you?"

Jaemin grinned. "Do you want me to?"

"No! Of course not, why would I-"

"I'm just messing with you y/n. Don't worry, we're just friends," he assured, finding you getting alarmed quite amusing. You hit his shoulder. "Don't joke around like that. Who knows what might happen."

Jaemin's laughter died down. He met your gaze sombrely. You knew he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. His eyes traveled down to your lips for a moment. You sucked in a breath, suddenly feeling giddy. Jaemin looked back into your eyes, this time with a small smile. You didn't know what he was doing. You also didn't know if you liked it or not. Your mind said one thing and your body said another. Jaemin subtly licked his lips. You had no clue why the action had such a devastating effect on you.

Before you knew it, your lips were on his. Jaemin didn't seem surprised at all. In fact, he relaxed and snaked his arm around your waist, pulling your body onto his. He fell back on your mattress, bringing you on top of him. Straddling his lap, you placed your hands on either side of his head, kissing him with vigor. Jaemin groaned against your mouth, the sound sending warm shivers down your back. His lips were softer than you thought they'd be and he tasted faintly of coffee.

His hands slipped under your shirt, resting on your skin. His touch felt fiery hot. You rolled your hips over his lap impulsively, biting his both lip as a throaty groan left his mouth. He squeezed your waist and trailed his hands down to your ass.

Before things could escalate, however, your bell rang. You both stilled, separating from each other. When your eyes met, you scrambled off of him and sat at the edge of your bed, completely stunned. Jaemin rubbed his face and sat up as well, not really knowing what to say. The bell rang again, snapping you out of your daze. "I'll go get that," you muttered disorientedly, leaving Jaemin in your room. He nodded and stood up. "Actually, I'm gonna go," he said, leaving your room before you could say anything. You heard the door open and shut soon after. Your bell rang again.

You went to open your door. A delivery guy stood before you, hands empty with a confused look on his face. "The guy that just left took the pizza with him. He said that you'd pay for it." You couldn't believe it. Nonetheless, you paid the man and shut your door. What had just happened?

_

A few days passed after the incident at your dorm. Jaemin hadn't called or texted you and in all honesty, you hadn't made an attempt to contact him. You felt too embarrassed to face him. After all, it was you who'd gone onto him. Even if he didn't push you away it wasn't like either of you had agreed to start making out. You were anxious because you knew you'd ruined your friendship with him.

A part of you missed him. You enjoyed spending time with him, even though all you did was study. Everything was so bleak now that he wasn't around to humor you.

You didn't want to regret whatever had happened that night. It was amazing. You just wished it hadn't ended the way it did. You should have understood that he indeed was joking. Instead, you mistook his prodding for sarcasm.

It made no sense for you to not speak to him. You wanted to make amends, figure out what had gone wrong. But you were scared he'd ignore you. That would just make you feel worse than you already did.

So you passed the days, wafting in your own misery. Pitying yourself as if the entire weight of the world had been thrown on your shoulders.

Little did you know that all it would take was another shitty test score for you to pick up your phone and call Jaemin.

"Help me study," you said as soon as he answered the call. Jaemin was silent on the other end. "Don't just listen to me. Say something," you begged. Your heart felt heavy. You heard him sigh. "I'd rather not y/n." You got goosebumps. "Jaemin, please. We can go to fucking library if that makes you feel better," you suggested, desperate for him to agree. After giving it some thought he finally answered you. "Okay fine. Tomorrow at three. But no longer than three hours."

He hung up, leaving you feeling a tad bit better. You looked forward to the next day. Hopefully, he wouldn't act indifferent to you.

_

Jaemin sat in your usual spot at the library. He was on his phone, leg crossed over his lap leisurely. You walked up to him and took a seat beside him without a word. Seeing you had arrived, he put his phone away and turned to you. "What are we studying?"

You took out your books and opened them. "This."

Jaemin glanced over the material. No wonder you'd flunked your test. He sighed, placing the textbook between you two. Without wasting a second, he began tutoring you.

No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't pay attention. You were too busy staring at his face, more specifically his lips. They way he'd lick them ever so often made butterflies soar in your stomach. He'd run his hand through his fluffy hair and adjust his glasses, letting your mind run wild. Jaemin didn't seem to notice your lack of focus. You figured he didn't really care. He kept glancing at his watch. It was like he was waiting for your time with him to come to an end.

Much to your dismay, eventually it did.

"I'll send you a picture of some practice material. You can use that to prepare better," he concluded, getting up from his seat. You quickly stuffed your books in your bag and ran after him.

"Jaemin wait!"

He paused. "What," he asked as he turned around. He sounded disinterested. "Can we talk," you asked? Jaemin sighed and shrugged. "What do you wanna talk about," he questioned, placing his hands in his pockets. "About what happened at my place last week."

Jaemin tensed up. "It was a mistake. I think we both understood that."

You shook your head. "I don't know Jaemin, I'm not sure I did."

He furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"

"The more I thought about it the more I realized that I wouldn't have kissed you unless I wanted to. Not just that but you wouldn't have let it go so far if you thought it was wrong."

He seemed at a loss for words.

"When you called me cute, you did mean it in an 'I have a crush on you' type of way." You didn't need an answer for him to know you were correct.

"What are you trying to say y/n," he asked, sounding defeated.

"That I like you," you admitted. Jaemin's eyes widened. "And that you like me too," you added.

Jaemin bit his lip. "Okay, so then why were we acting like we hated each other for so long?"

You shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe because you overthink everything and I'm a big pussy."

Jaemin chuckled and slung his arm around your shoulder. "I'm sorry about that babe."

You cringed at the nickname. "Don't 'babe' me. We're not dating. Not yet."

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "Does it really need to be that formal?"

You nodded adamantly. "Of course it does."

He sighed. "Fine. Will you go out with me y/n?"

You smiled and shook your head. "I'd rather not Jaemin."

"Yeah whatever," he said with a scoff, leading you outside.

_

As soon as you were past your door Jaemin's lips were on yours in an instant. He pushed you against the wall, wrapping your legs around his waist. You held onto his shoulders, sighing into his mouth. "I missed you so fucking much," he muttered, stumbling to your room.

He dropped you on your bed and hovered over you, staring down at you somberly before kissing you again. His lips didn't stay on yours for too long, trailing down to your jaw and then your neck. You tugged at his shirt, urging him to take it off. When he did, you stared at his chiseled body in awe. "I didn't know you worked out."

Jaemin chuckled at your comment and pulled your own shirt off. He flicked the tiny bow on your bra with an amused grin. "This is cute."

You nudged his arm timidly. "I wasn't exactly preparing myself for this moment."

He said nothing further and latched his lips to your neck once again. Running your fingers through his hair, you craned your neck to the side to give him more access. He gently sucked on your skin, not too harsh that it would leave marks. You sighed and fiddled with the waistband of his sweatpants. "Do you want it off," he asked quietly, lips ghosting over yours. You nodded, biting your lip when he pushed his pants down.

His member came into sight, making your mouth water.

Taking your hand in his, he brought it to his cock. Your fingers wrapped around his girth instinctively. Jaemin suck in a breath as he made you stroke his length. His hand slipped past your panties, fingers toying with your clit. You gasped and spread your legs wider, loving the way his calloused fingertips felt. Tightening your grip around his cock, you jerked him off earnestly. In turn, Jaemin began rubbing quick circles into your sensitive bundle of nerves.

Letting go of his member, you hastily pushed your pants down your legs. Jaemin peeled your panties off of you, marveling at the sight of your glistening pussy. "Don't just stare," you complained, shutting your legs, "do something."

Jaemin wordlessly, spread your legs apart and settled down between your thighs. He glanced up at your through his lashes, asking for permission before licking a stripe up your folds. You pushed your hips against his mouth, eyes falling shut when he repeated the action. Holding onto your thighs, he nipped and sucked at your clit, groaning every time your bucked your hips into his face. You gripped onto his hair, tugging at his roots. Jaemin's fingers prodded at your slit, slowly entering your walls. He curled them up, making your arch your back in delight. It felt so good. He knew exactly what he was doing.

With his tongue skillfully moving over your clit and his fingers continuously pumping in and out of you, it didn't take long for you to feel a familiar knot in your stomach. You sat up, pulling his mouth off of your cunt. "I need you to fuck me now." Your voice was hushed, breathless because of how much you'd moaned. Jaemin's eyes had darkened considerably. He pushed you down on your back again and pressed his tip to your entrance.

Jaemin felt bigger than he looked. Not that you were complaining or anything, it just took a while to get used to. He made sure you were comfortable before slowly starting to pound into you.

You grabbed his arms as he fastened his pace, head falling back in ecstasy. Shallow breaths left his parted lips. "You feel so good," he muttered, burying his face in the crook of your neck. His breath was hot on your skin. You wrapped your arms around his neck, humming in response. You were close. Jaemin could tell.

Gripping onto your waist, he went faster, slamming his cock into you as he chased your highs. You cried out his name, squeezing your eyes shut. Your walls clenched tightly around his length, your orgasm crashing down on you intensely. Soon enough, he twitched inside you. His thighs stilled, hips snapping into you one last time before thick ropes of his cum shot into your walls. He let out a pleased groan, voice deep and raspy.

"That was amazing," you breathed, pushing your hair out of your face as Jaemin moved off of you. He smiled and tugged his pants back on, joining you under the covers. "I'm glad you enjoyed it." Jaemin pulled you into his side, letting you rest your head on his shoulder. You laughed to yourself. "What is it," Jaemin asked. You shook your head, looking at him. "To think this all started after you agreed to tutor me."

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