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fuckingthefictional · 4 years

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Runaway Lovers

Pairing: Finn Shelby x reader

Warnings: Swearing, suggestions regarding to sex, crap writing?

Requested: yes, part two requested by @hamdehlesmis

A/N: for the part where Finn writes a letter, I’ve made it so the writing is more phonics based. Because I find it unrealistic to have a character who is illiterate to suddenly start reading and writing with the knowledge of perfect grammar and spelling.

Alfie Solomons was a name that struck cold fear into some on the toughest of men.

His cool and calculating gaze was enough to send uneasy chills up anyone’s spine.

He was a man who had red on his ledger and the mighty hand of God on his side.

To most he was a cold and calculating gang leader- with the proclivity of making violent, rash decisions that mainly benefited himself and anyone lucky enough to be considered a friend.

And most were not lucky enough to have that benefit.

Y/N Y/L/N was lucky to be considered a friend- more accurately she was a close relative of the Jewish gang leader.

Alfie’s Mother, was the sister of Y/N’s mother. The two women were close, but drifted apart after they were married to their respective husbands. Only to reunite during the Great War.

That was the first time Y/N had been in proper contact with her mothers side of the family- and thank God she continued to stay in contact with them.

Otherwise her and Finn would’ve been rendered homeless and well and truly fucked.

Y/N forced herself to drag her thoughts away from what would have been, and instead focused on the passing green pasteurs that sped past the train cars window.

The lack of pollution was obvious and made a huge difference. She was able to see the colours of the night sky, along with the scattered stars- such things that felt as if they didn’t exist in Small Heath.

Y/N felt a soft kiss on a stray patch of bare skin below her ear and at the top of her jawline. Finn.

“Stop stressing love, we’ll be okay.”

It was like he had read her mind, “‘m not stressing.” She mumbled into her palm.

“If you aren’t stressing then how come your leg is bouncing?” Finn chuckled as he pressed another kiss to her temple.

Y/N rolled her eyes. Of course he would pick up on the finer details, it was just another reason why she loved him.

It wasn’t long before the train pulled into Camden Town Station. The whole station seemed to be rather empty- apart from one man who seemed to be waiting for the trains arrival.

He was an older gentleman, who had a scraggly beard and clutched a cane. His face was partially covered from the hat that topped his head. But on his chest, he proudly bore a necklace that held the Star of David.

It was Alfie.

He had changed a lot, the pictures that Y/N had been shown of him depicted him to be younger, lacking a beard. But the face was the same.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” The older man addressed her, a slight smirk on his face, “My god ‘ow you’ve grown- I remember when you were a bloody babe.”

She turned to Finn, a soft smile gracing her features, “Love this is Alfie, my cousin.”

Both men shook hands, each of them sizing the other up.

“Thank you for letting us stay with you.” Finn nodded at the older man, “we really appreciate it.”

“‘S nothin’ alright?” Alfie boomed loudly, “any person whose a friend of our Y/N/N is a friend of mine- now let’s get your stuff back to my ‘Ouse ‘ey?”

The two teenagers followed the older man, out of the station, their hands interlocked- ready for this next chapter of their lives.

It was difficult not knowing what their future held. And what they would face in this grey part of their lives, but Finn and Y/N knew they were lucky.

Lucky to have a place to stay, lucky to be in London. And most of all: lucky to be with each other.

Two months later Y/N and Finn were still as strong as ever, and the pair of them had both gotten jobs in Camden Town.

Finn working down at the docks, where he loaded Alfie’s spirits into the boats that would travel across the Atlantic.

Finn had been clear with his girlfriend’s cousin that he wanted no part in the extremely illegal parts of the business. In other words he didn’t want to be a front runner, Finn was quite happy working behind the scenes or on the sidelines. Doing the smaller less risky jobs that helped boost business.

Thankfully Alfie has agreed with him, saying, “If I got you in trouble yeah, or you got fuckin’ hurt- then my cousin would have my balls hanging up above the fuckin’ fireplace.”

Y/N however had a different job role. As she helped run the books, Y/N had her mothers brains, math was her forte and not to mention her and Alfie were close, and her older cousin kept her well protected and safe.

Their jobs weren't particularly high paid and they’d told Alfie that they didn’t want special treatment when it came to their pay- either way they made enough to pay their part on rent at Alfie’s house (which usually meant paying for the food and occasionally the hot water bill).

But neither Finn or Y/N were disappointed, they were employed and bringing in an income. That was more than they’d done in small Heath.

“Y’know, I finally feel like I’m apart of something,” Finn mumbled as he kissed down Y/N’s bare back, “I finally feel wanted by others, that aren’t You, Ada or Pol.”

“Finn,” The girl sighed as she turned over to face him, “You have no idea how much purpose you bring to other people.” Y/N stroked his hair softly, feeling the bouncy curls slip between her finger tips, “Finn because of you, Alfie is finally reconnecting with his blood relatives- he said that if this hadn’t happened, then he was willing to give up on family. And by coming away from the life you had in Small Heath you’re making Ada feel better about her role as a big sister.”

Finn was in a semi state of shock, he had no idea he had made that much of an impact, “And you?” He asked.

“God Finn,” Y/N pressed her forehead to his, “ever since you pulled me back from that drunk driver, I knew that my life was going to be flipped upside down- that I was going to fall in love.” She licked her lips, “I can’t imagine my life without you- you’re my constant, my everything, the love of my life.”

The auburn haired boy pulled his girl close to his chest, peppering sweet kisses to her hairline, “I love you pretty girl.”

“And I you, Freckles.”

“D’you think we should come clean to Alfie- about my family I mean.” Finn chewed on his lips nervously.

Y/N sighed, “I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow, but for now my love we should get some sleep.”

Knock, knock, knock

It was one of those rare days that Alfie was working from home, Y/N had overheard his doctor telling Alfie that he needed to take it easy and rest more.

So of course Y/N forced him to stay at home. It was odd really, the pair had only reconnected a few months ago. But already it felt as if Alfie was coming into the older brother role in Y/N’s life, whereas she was the persuasive younger sister that Alfie never had growing up.

Their dynamic was one that many had never seen, there was constant teasing and banter between the two. And Y/N had been the only one to make demands from the big scary gang leader and live to tell the tale.

“Come in.” Alfie’s muffled voice came from behind the other side of the door.

As Y/N entered the office while balancing a tea tray on her arm, when she looked up she noticed her cousin sat at his desk with his specs on, Cyril layed down at his feet.

“Morning, Alf.” Y/N smiled warmly, “I’ve brought you some tea and biscuits.” She sat down opposite him, as he started across the desk accusingly.

“What do yer want aye?” Alfie squinted his eyes, “you only ever bring me stuff when yer tryna butter me up.”

“Well Is it working?” Y/N looked at her cousin as he poured himself a cup and necked down a biscuit.

“Depends that dunnit.” Alfie responded, raising his brow.

“Well I have some news,” Y/N started fidgeting with her hands, “Some news you might not take too well.”

“Fuckin’ hell- you’re not up the bloody duff are yer?”

The teenager promptly felt herself choke on her own spit, “What?” She shouted, her eyes as round as saucers, “No!” Y/N attempted to recompose herself, “Look What I was trying to get at is that Finn belongs to a family that weren’t good to him, he ran away from his old life after his brother tried to force us apart. And we talked last night about finally coming clean to you Alf, because we appreciate all you’ve done for us and we don’t feel like we’re being truthful and-“

“Y/N!” Alfie cut off her ranted speech, “I know that Finn is a Shelby.” He stated simply, “Do you really think I don’t do background checks on my workers Y/N/N?”

“And you’re okay with him?” Y/N was still in a state of shock,

“Well,” Alfie leant forwards, “ma always taught us to not judge a book by the pissin’ cover aye? Sometimes that shit also includes certain family names.” He paused, pondering what to say next, “Look I kept an eye out for the lad in the first few weeks yous stayed ‘ere, in case there was some spyin’ goin’ on. But there wasn’t, it was just a lovestruck boy who’s willin’ to do anythin’ to make ‘is girl happy. So as far as I’m concerned Y/N/N, he’s a new branch in the Solomons family.”

Y/N could feel happy tears brimming in her eyes, she finally saw what Finn meant. She felt like she mattered, like she had purpose for the first time in a very long time.

Two months. It had been two months since Finn had just up and left. Tommy didn't think that his youngest sibling what actually hold to his word- he didn't think that Finn of all people would actually quit the family buisness and leave small heath.

And with all of that considered, Tommy didn't know where the fuck Finn had gone. And that was a first in Tommy’s experience- he didn't know something.

It was incredibly frustrating and not to mention Polly was in bits since Finn had just gone missing in action. It wasn't hard to see that there was a soft spot in his aunts heart for the youngest Shelby.

He’d had men search every major city in Britain, knowing Finn couldn’t have strayed too far off the beaten path.

The youngest Shelby never was one for spontaneity, he was too much like his mother for that- he liked to have a plan set out in front of him.

But what made the situation all the more complicated was the war Tommy had made on Sabini, if Finn was in London then there was a large chance that he was in danger.

Tommy didn’t want more blood on his hands, he didn’t know if he could handle more blood on his hands.

Dear Pol,

This leter wil onlie be short, but its a leter non the less. All you need to no is that I am safe and happie, and hav started a new life for myself. If you want to meet, then go to Ada’s on Saterday and i will meet you there.

Lots of luv and take care,

Finn

P.S- Y/N is teeching me to reed and rite, it is a work in progres- but I am lerning!

Polly grinned at the letter in front of her, it was most definitely her nephew. Despite it being in letter form, his mannerisms and language hasn’t changed.

The older woman could feel her heart swell with pride for her youngest nephew, deep down Polly knew that the Blinder lifestyle wasn’t for him.

Finn was like Ada in that way- he followed his heart. And his heart has chosen a different path than his brothers.

Polly set the letter down on her desk as she pondered what her next course of action would be, obviously she was going to Ada’s to meet her nephew on the Saturday.

However she was met with the dilemma of how she could get it past Tommy.

One one hand, Tommy was the patriarch of the family- Polly knew that she was practically obligated to tell her older nephew her plans and whereabouts.

But on the other hand, Finn was safe. He was free from a dangerous life, he was happy and he had started a new path.

And that was more than anything Tommy could offer the lad. Polly knew that Finn valued his freedom and happiness over all the money in the world.

Pulling out a cigarette, Polly fiddled with the small stick of tobacco. After igniting it, she took a deep inhale, allowing the smoke to fill her lungs.

Every piece of her heart and soul was telling her to keep Finn safe. Maybe that was just the mother hen in Polly- but she was certain on one thing.

Thomas Shelby was going to learn to live with his actions and consequences of his words, because Polly had no intention of saying a word about Finn’s whereabouts.

Peaky blinders taglist:

@simonsbluee

#peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader #peakyblinders #peakyfookinblinder #peaky blinders imagine #peakyblinder #peaky blinder fanfic #finnshelby #finn shelby x reader #finn shelby #harry kirton

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meditativeyoga · 5 years

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Find Serenity in Savasana

Award yourself everyday by taking a 15-minute break for actual relaxation.

I was plunged on the flooring of a dressing space in a huge outlet store at 7:40 p.m. enjoying my adolescent little girl try out what looked like the 5,000 th set of jeans. It was taking 'for ev-vah,' as she would claim, and also I was actually tired. Much more compared to that, I really felt overwhelmed, like the lead character in some poor desire, endlessly running from job to job. Exactly what was I doing below? Why wasn't I home resting after a complete day of training, composing, food preparation, and owning youngsters around? For that matter, why do so much of us prevent taking a nice, scrumptious break daily?

The response is intricate, both in my life and also, I'm thinking, in your own also. First, our days have plenty of jobs, consultations, and tasks. Second, statistics reveal that we are functioning longer hrs and also bringing even more job home with us compared to ever. Innovation has given us particular freedoms, yet it has also enabled us to work at all times. It's now simple to check a bank equilibrium online at 1 a.m. or make that little organisation call from the cars and truck.

My preferred sign of overload is when I'm rushing around and I call from my mobile phone to my home addressing machine to leave myself a message concerning something that I absolutely have to do that day-very efficient. I think I'm not alone in this actions, it seems we are all on overload a lot of the moment.

What's the result of this constant busyness? We're exhausted and also burnt out. I lately asked my yoga exercise trainees to elevate their hands if they had actually been stressed-out during the previous week. I got a near-universal program of hands and also some incredulous looks. Why wouldn't they be stressed-out? We currently expect to be.

It should be kept in mind that anxiety isn't always a bad point. Actually, it's an essential physiological action when we regard a risk. Take the instance of an unfamiliar person following you down a dark alleyway-when you pick up risk, your body responds by turning on the supportive worried system, also understood as the fight-or-flight action, as well as bringing you to a hyperalert state, ready to react. ( For a much more detailed description of these physiological effects, see the post, This Is Your Body on Stress.) Yet when the body repeatedly and needlessly goes into this state day after day, our health suffers. Persistent stress and anxiety could interfere with food digestion, sleep, sex drive, fertility, and more.

What techniques can we adopt-aside from chucking everything as well as transferring to a covert paradise-to ease this feeling of rashness as well as fatigue? Exactly how can we stop the sensation that there are way too many points to do and inadequate time to do them?

Resting in Personal Paradise

I propose a formal leisure duration of 15 to Thirty Minutes daily, everyday, in Savasana (Remains Pose). Not just is Savasana (noticable sha-VAH-suh-nuh) central to all traditions of hatha yoga exercise, however it could be maded with hardly any difficulty. You can choose an easy variation with few props or a lavish, completely propped, 'Calgon, take me away' version.

Savasana made use of to be part of every yoga exercise course. Regretfully, I now speak with students that teachers skip it and also recommend 'doing it later.' Or I listen to that some instructors do Savasana for five minutes. They might unknown that it takes at the very least 15 minutes to unwind deeply. In some nations, there is a siesta every day. I choose an everyday siesta through Savasana.

There are several justifications for not exercising Savasana, and also I've heard them all. Do it anyway! First, you could need to reconsider exactly how you assume about time. The one point most individuals say about time is that there is not sufficient. Right here's a radical idea: Everyone that lives worldwide has exactly the exact same quantity of time every day. Some have a lot more education and learning, some have more wide range, some remain in much better health and wellness, but everybody has the exact same amount of time. It is how you make use of that time, and how you regard the quantity of time you have, that can enhance or reduce stress and anxiety.

The truth is, you might have to quit that TELEVISION sitcom or stand up to speaking on the phone reworking the exact same old thing, yet if you assess the different time slots in your day, you'll locate space for at the very least 15 mins of do-nothing rejuvenation.

Savasana Strategies

Some people want to exercise Savasana very first point in the early morning as component of a normal yoga method. Others use it as a midafternoon break as opposed to drinking a mug of coffee. Still others want to rest briefly when they obtain home from work, before the night's tasks start. Find a time that works finest for you and also exercise at the same time every day. Consider utilizing a timer. I find that a timer enables me to completely relax without stressing that I'll finish up existing in Savasana for hours, not able to obtain up and also complete my day.

Think of exercising Savasana daily as a present to on your own, your family, and also the globe. Taking a restorative break on a daily basis will certainly not just make you really feel better, it will likely make you more pleasurable to be around. When you're unwinded, you're less likely to overreact in the face of trouble. A well-rested, balanced person is more most likely making selections that will certainly impact the world in a favorable way.

A Simple Setup

Here's more great information: Everything you require for Savasana could be located existing around your house. The basic kind of Savasana requires only a quiet space, a comfy surface area to push, and also a number of props. For the standard present, you'll require a support for your head, such as a little pillow or folded up blanket, and also a rolled blanket or huge cushion to support the rear of your knees. For added relaxation, I recommend a soft cover for your eyes as well as another covering to maintain you cozy, you can additionally use socks.

Lie down on your back. Area the small pillow or folded up covering underneath your head so the neck is well supported as well as the chin goes down listed below the level of the forehead. Take a minute to relax the legs and also let them drop open. With the hands dealing with up, spread out the arms far from your body so the arms do not touch the sides of your rib cage. You need to have a large sensation, as if you are using up as much room in the area as possible.

Set your timer for 15 or 20 mins (you can work up to 30), cover your eyes, and also lie back. Occupy to 20 consistent, even breaths, progressively boosting the inhalations as well as exhalations. After that completely release, release any controlled breathing, enable your body to go down into the flooring, and also observe your ideas without reacting to them, as if they were clouds drifting past you in the skies. When you listen to the timer, exhale and also flex your knees to your chest. Roll to one side, letting the eye cover fall off on its own, and also use your arms to sit up slowly.

Savasana as Stress Management

If you stay in Savasana long sufficient, you will ultimately experience three different phases of the pose. The first is what I call physiological leisure, it takes most individuals concerning 15 minutes. Initially, you might seem like the mind is still accelerated as well as connected to thoughts, feelings, and also muscle movement. However slowly, the mind waves and also the breath reduce down, as well as the blood stress decreases.

As the body and mind relax, the genuine Savasana can start. Throughout this second stage, recognition of the outside globe begins to dim. You could hear audios, but they will not interrupt you. Instead, everything will begin to drift further as well as further away.

In my point of view, the second stage is one of the most recovery for the body and comforting to the mind. A secondary school student once explained Savasana to me as, 'Your body sleeps as well as your mind watches.' I like this summary, because the mind never ever entirely quiets down, however as you loosen your recognition with the physique, you could separate from the constant whirl of ideas. After that you could just witness them, simply as you would certainly see the climbing and also dropping of your upper body with the breath. As this occurs, you'll really feel a lot more secure as well as prepared to be where you are.

The final state of Savasana occurs when the mind completely releases. It is thought that the mind waves reduce down to their most affordable frequency. You will feel separated from the outdoors up until the timer rings or your instructor's voice brings you back to the present.

Give on your own time to drop right into at the very least the 2nd stage daily. Some days you will get the 3rd state as a present, however don't worry if you don't. Simply keep exercising as well as it will advance.

I sometimes ask my yoga exercise students if they assume the world could be a much better place if every person practiced Savasana on a daily basis. The consentaneous answer is always yes. So allow Savasana start with you, today. Rather than thinking about it as a worthless completing position that isn't really necessary, think of your energetic yoga practice as a preparation for the real, deep yoga of Savasana.

#Hatha yoga #Yoga #yoga practice

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ettadunham · 5 years

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A Buffy rewatch 6x19 Seeing Red

aka dick move joss

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And after today’s episode, who’s ready to get drunk and do some math? *points to self* It me. I’m drunk.

Seeing Red has not one, but TWO of the show’s most controversial scenes in the entire series, so that’s a distinction I guess. One that I should probably be talking about, but… you know. Turns out that when you drink the rest of your apple liquor in one sitting, your ability to form critical thought exponentially deteriorates with each and every second.

But math? Math is easy. You can do math drunk while walking on your hands. So let’s do math.

So, did you guys know that Amber Benson appeared in the most Buffy episodes per season while not being in the credits? It’s true. I made a very detailed excel sheet.

(Yes, these are all the actors who appeared at least 14 episodes of the show. I didn’t really need to include all of them to prove my point, but I did it anyway.)

Those purple highlights you see? Those are for actors who appeared at least 70% of the episodes while not being part of the main cast in a season. Apart from a few special cases where someone has been promoted to the main cast during a season (like Michelle Trachtenberg after one episode in season 5 or Marc Blucas following the first 10 episodes of season 4), the only ones this applies for is Kristine Sutherland and Amber Benson. And the latter’s 18 appearance during season 5 (aka 82% of the season) is our biggest outlier among those even.

Now, to be fair, actors who are part of the main cast never actually go below 83% in their own respective season appearances on Buffy (see the blue highlights that show the two instances that goes below 90% even), but like… Appearing in 16-18 episodes of at least two 22-episode seasons in a major capacity is still a fucking lot by any TV standards.

So the fact that neither of these actors have been promoted to regular status during their run is kind of weird. Maybe Joyce was often forced into the background, but Kristine Sutherland was a huge presence in season 5 in particular. Up until Joyce’s death in The Body, she appeared in all episodes, and had a cameo later in The Weight of the World. She should’ve been in the credits for that period, imo.

Similarly, if you look at other characters who occupied a comparable role to Tara – so, basically characters who were introduced as love interests to one of the Scoobies –, each and every one of them have been promoted to the main cast by their 3rd year at the very least. And Emma Caulfield, who was one of those third year joiners, only appeared in 5 episodes in her first season. Seth Green, who with his 10/22 appearance is much closer to Amber Benson’s 12/22 in their respective debut seasons, was part of the credits by his second year on the show.

In conclusion what I’m saying is that fuck you Joss for pulling that opening credits shit on us. No. This should’ve happened two seasons ago, and now you’re using it to play on the audience’s attachment to this character, dangling that promise of having more of her on the show just to take it away.

Not cool, my dude. So very not cool.

In other bad news, making that excel sheet sobered me up a bit (damn you, math), and now I’m just kinda tired and sad. It’s starting to dawn on me that this is the last I’ll see of Tara during this rewatch.

Maybe I should just start over from Hush? There’s an idea…

There’s also a reason why this episode is cited as such an egregious example of the Bury Your Gays trope even after almost two decades. With the show having been limited on what they can show of Willow and Tara’s relationship early on, the inclusion of the many sexual moments in this episode especially jumps out. Having that precede Tara’s death somehow manages to maximize the negative impact of it even more, reinforcing pre-existing harmful associations in the audience.

But then again, would it have been better to not have these moments at all? I don’t know the answer to that.

In any case, when I talked about character deaths earlier on this show, I mentioned that there are two criteria that I judge those: story impact and social impact. Meaning on one hand, that when you kill off a character, you want that to have a meaningful impact on your story and characters. It needs to have a purpose and long-lasting effects for it to satisfy your audience’s emotional needs. And on the other hand, there’s also the bigger media and societal landscape to consider. Especially when you’re killing off a character, who’s already part of an underrepresented group.

I think I probably already alluded to how I consider Tara’s death to be well-executed story-wise, despite being extremely poorly done in the latter regard. There are arguments to be made of course about how maybe the show could’ve killed a different character to achieve the same effect in the story, etc. – but I find the following arc captivating as it is regardless.

Then again, I also love Tara, and definitely wouldn’t have complained if the show just randomly brought her back from the death, story be damned. Unbury your gays, you cowards.

I guess I’ll also need to touch on the other controversial scene in the episode, huh? Well, I don’t want to.

But fine.

Hot take, but I just don’t connect to Spike. Not during this rewatch. And looking back at my feelings on it, I think that part of that is the very association that’s textualized here.

See, vampires are giant rape metaphors. Well, they can be metaphors for a lot of things, this is Buffy after all, but that’s definitely a big part of them. And the show’s been playing up this aspect with Spike in the past – usually it’s just been done for comedy.

Think about his scenes with Willow in Lovers Walk or The Initiative. The latter is especially chilling with the way he attacks Willow on her bed and turns up the music, right before we cut to black… and then we find out that Spike’s “impotent” and can’t bite her, and suddenly she’s comforting him? And it’s a comedy?

That scene is super weird. And uncomfortable. And that was probably part of its purpose, but it also means that I’m just not shocked by what he almost does here.

Spike’s a romantic, but he’s also a soulless vampire who can’t differentiate between love, death, sex and violence. He tells Buffy in a previous episode that he wouldn’t hurt her, but while he may believe that, it’s not true exactly. He doesn’t understand what Buffy needs. They share an understanding, but in this, he’s unable to empathize with Buffy beyond a certain level.

Afterwards though, he does seem to understand what he’s done, and given what we know of vampires, that’s pretty fascinating. He finally realizes that he can’t love Buffy without that empathy. And he can’t be the monster he used to be with these conflicts. So he’s off to rectify that.

Meanwhile Buffy’s out there, fighting superpowered nerds right after that fucking traumatic experience. Which… don’t get me wrong, I can definitely see how beating up Warren can be therapeutic, but there is also something to be said about the show not giving Buffy enough space to process certain traumas, and focusing more on Spike’s development instead.

Again though, it’s not that I don’t get it. Spike’s an intriguing character, and I can definitely see how a lot of people connect with him. His more negative traits are balanced out by his vulnerability, and his ability to self-reflect and grow. Just because I have a hard time relating to him, doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t enjoy his character. God knows that I have plenty of problematic faves...

Oh yeah, and Xander and Buffy share a nice scene by the end of the episode. Still, I guess I wanted a bit more out of it? Like Xander acknowledging how putting Buffy on a pedestal leads to him judging her more harshly, and how it’s something he should be working on in order to be a better friend to Buffy? Maybe I just want too much.

A character who was just perfect in this episode though? Dawn. Actual picture of Dawn Summers looking at Tara and Willow.

Same, Dawn. Same.

The last three minutes of Seeing Red? I don’t know her.

#buffy rewatch 2k19 #btvs talk #btvs

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violet-bookmark · 5 years

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The devil between us, by S.C Wilson

Remember the book I was reading during the train ride and that made me finish RAR? This was it. I bought it for the same reasons as La bastarda: saw it somewhere, synopsis looked great, read the free sample of the prologue and immediately wanted it because the plot looked promising and the writing style was beautiful and captivating yet simple. A lot of people, straight people included, seemed to love it: it was one of Amazon's #1st best sellers of 2018! What could possibly go wrong?

A lot, as the first chapter showed me.

Massive trigger warnings for rape and murder. If these are things that affect you, please be cautious when reading this book, or just skip chapter five completely. I am not triggered by these things and even I had a panic attack while reading because it was fucking horrifying.

This book starts in the year 1853, during the Californian Golden Rush. It tells the story of Jessica Pratt, a young girl who lives with her lovely family near Mount Perish. This life does not last long for her, as her family is all horribly murdered during the first chapter. She manages to escape, and after being found by a mysterious woman who lives by herself in the mountains, she begins to live with her in the wilderness. After a decade, circumstances force her to leave the mountain and to seek civilization again, concretely on the town of Ely. Since it is dangerous for a young woman to travel alone, she disguises herself as Jesse, a young man who ends up catching the eye of the town's sweetheart and singer, Abby.

The writing style was amazing; very evocative yet simple, not falling into the mistake of being too convoluted. It striked the balance between descriptive, beautiful and natural perfectly, letting the story flow at a very easy pace and trapping the reader between its pages in no time. Despite its bleak beginning I found myself reading it eagerly and not even realising how far down the story I was. I had no problem imagining the scenery, and the action was described in a very cinematic way, easy to visualize. The setting is also well done and cohesive, but I can't talk much about the realistic side of things since I am not very familiar with that time period. It was definitely detailed enough to feel like the author cared about realism.

The plot was good: I was surprised by how romantic it was, as I expected something more like "the protagonist tracks down the men who killed her family and takes her revenge, getting a girlfriend in the process", or at least something far more thriller-like, since the prologue is about the protagonist about to die from a bullet wound. Instead, the story had much less action and was more focused on Jessica/Jesse as a character and her growth as a person, her fear of her true sex being found out, her budding romantic relationship with Abby and her maternal relationship with Frieda. This disappointed me a little because I expected something else from the plot, but I also didn't like it because Jessica/Jesse's character development was not as well done as it could have been.

Let's start by her character development: her sadness felt unrealistic. She just lost her family, she had nightmares about her parents being murderer and her sister being raped, but it was all very linear before the ending. She never felt rage, or frustration, or any type of "bad" emotion outside of fear and sadness. Her trauma doesn't evolve, and I don't believe that. As a child she saw her dad and brothers die, her sister being raped and her house burning down with her mother and her sister inside. This is huge. This is no normal loss; her family was humiliated and murdered in front of her. These events should have traumatized her for life and left her with a lot of complex emotions to deal with. The way her feelings were described, you would think that she lost her parents to an illness, or perhaps to an accident, which is traumatic but at least you know they were not unnecessarily and horribly tortured before they died. I would have expected her to feel some type of anger or denial at the circumstances more often. You just don't get the feeling it impacted her character as much as it should during the book, and when everything explodes during the ending it does feel forced.

Before starting to rant again, I will give kudos where it's due: I deeply appreciated that the author acknowledged that in order to pass as a man it is necessary to have a deep voice and "manly" mannerisms. A lot of authors only make their women dress as men and bam, instant disguise. It doesn't work like that at all and for once it was very nice to read about a character putting effort in practicing the social cues that people associate with the opposite sex, that was very well done. That being said, it frustrated me how inacurate the book was in regards to chest binding. I know this book is not supposed to be "How to pass as a man 101", but since the story is about a woman who wants to disguise herself as one you should take realism into account, especially in regards to something as dangerous as chest binding. When the protagonist bandages her chest it is not hard at all for her, which is complete bullshit. Anyone that has ever tried to bandage their chest can attest to the fact that it can be quite difficult to get it right the first time. She also leaves it bandaged for several hours without feeling any pain, nor any discomfort, or having any difficulty breathing; she sleeps wearing it, performs physically exhausting tasks wearing it, goes on long walks and horse-rides wearing it with no effects whatsoever. At this point I was like "damn, this woman's ribcage and lungs are made of steel or what?". Very unrealistic, 0/10.

As for Jessica/Jesse's reaction to having to disguise herself as a man... It was badly done. The author didn't stop hitting us in the head with "she is wearing pants, but she REALLY wants to wear pretty dresses! Pants and shirts make her uncomfortable and she hates them! She is a feminine woman!" And at first I was like "eh, I thought she wore animal hides during that decade in the mountain? The last time she wore a dress was like... 10 years ago, when she was 10 years old? She didn't care before and she cares now? What? Oh well, I guess the animal hides were shaped like dresses, which doesn't seem very practical but hey, at least it makes sense". But then in a scene where she is talking to Abby about the mountain, she is like "Oh yes, you can't wear dresses or skirts in the mountain, you have to wear practical clothing like pants" and I was like ??? You have been moaning to hell and back about how you miss dresses, and now you say that you have to wear practical clothing in the mountain? So then your animal hides were not shaped like dresses? So then what you wear at Ely is really not that different to what you have been wearing during 10 damn years at Mount Perish? What are you so hard-pressed about, exactly??? There is a difference in a character just wanting to wear dresses and... This.

If she should have had to disguise herself as a man immediately after she had been wearing dresses all her life and taught that skirts are the proper thing for women to wear, I would understand her anxiety. But if she has been wearing pants during 10 years out of her own volition, why does she suddenly care the moment she goes down to the city? Especially when at times she says that she does not understand the women in Ely? It was confusing. Maybe the author had an intent there that I am not able to see, but she did not transmit it very well through her writing, in all honesty.

And then, towards the end, Jesse sees that Abby is worried about wearing pants and out of the blue she is all like "don't worry, they are just clothes." I just... What?

I did like some things about Jesse: she was a good person, she liked to travel, she was a good hunter, she helped a prostitute when she had the chance and was generally nice to everybody, but was not afraid to fight if somebody mistreated her or Abby. Overall she was not a bad protagonist, but she did not feel cohesive. Her development felt forced and not very organic.

Moving on to the romance: I disliked the scene where Abby was introduced. It was promising at first, because this author is very good at writing impactful scenes and introducing characters, and I thought that I was in for a really great moment. But then, as we are being told about the reactions that Abby awakes in all the men in the crowd, the narrator starts to describe Jesse's. And she is feeling, guess what: jealous and insecure. She is not even awestruck, or feeling even a hint of attraction to her, or feeling something that she can't determine (which we all know what would have been). But instead she wants to get dolled up like her and be as pretty as her, and she looks at her reflection with insecurity to check herself out in comparison to Abby. That is all that the author describes to us; no hint of any possible romance. If I had not known that Abby is supposed to be the love interest beforehand, I wouldn't have known from that scene. Then some moments after Abby approaches Jesse, and she notes that "he" looks at her like "a kid caught with his hand stuck in the candy jar". But then again she thinks that Jesse is a man, and it would be easy to misinterpret any other feeling that Jesse might be feeling as attraction. We certainly don't have any indicators from Jesse that point to her being attracted to the other woman. Abby's own attraction, while well described, relies on perceiving Jesse as male. This has to be the most "no homo" romantic introduction of a lesbian love interest that I have ever read.

Don't get me wrong, the romance gets better, but their first scene together didn't have any chemistry whatsoever. After that, however, their scenes together are way better written and heartwarming. Only thing I didn't like was the fact that Jesse reveals her sex way later than I expected, which made everything worse because their relationship was built on that lie. I really disliked that and I wish Abby would have found out way, way sooner.

I liked Abby more than Jesse: her character felt more coherent, she was a brave woman surviving in a harsh world, and always there to support her friends. I also found realistic that she tried to move on after Jesse had been rejecting her advances for a long time, because honestly, life is short. At first I thought she was bisexual but the story leaves it quite ambiguous; she has been with men before but wherether it was out of love/attraction or not is not clear. I loved that one of the things that made her be attracted to Jesse was the scent, which she described as being sweeter than a man's. I empathized with that, because one of the first things that made me realize I was not attracted to men, apart from the anatomical aspects, was the fact that I don't like how they smell. I am not being rude and saying that men don't wash, it is not about that; men and women smell differently per se. Men's smell does not attract me; women's smell does.

I also liked Frieda, she was a great mother figure and the relationship between her and Jessica was very beautiful and emotional. She cared for her as if she was her own daughter and made sure that she could survive in that harsh world by herself.

Which brings me to the appearance of native americans in the story: I disliked how they only appeared when the white characters needed some spiritual or physical healing. They felt like walking Deus Ex Machina instead of characters. Even the background characters from Ely felt more three-dimensional than them. I also think the book may have showed the conflict between white people and native americans through rose-tinted glasses; not in the sense of it being something to romanticize, but in the sense of painting both sides as having suffered equally, which obviously was not true.

From the prologue I imagined that this book would be bold, realistic and harsh. And it certainly was at the beginning (way more than what I would have expected) but then it just toned down and didn't live up to the expectations I had for it. The book spends so much time reminding us that Jesse is a woman (as if we would forget), that she wants to be feminine and that she is afraid to be discovered that does not develop other potential plot points that would be way more interesting, in my opinion. There is no real tension to her being discovered out, really: no character suspects anything, her ribs and lungs of steel prevent her from having any real need to remove her bandages and the only moments where characters ask her things that could potentially expose her true sex, she just refuses and they go like "Oh, alright. Tell us if you change your mind okay bye!" So there was no tension at all. It was just so easy for her to pass as a man that I didn't understand why the author insisted so much on emphasizing how afraid Jesse was of being found out. Instead of hitting me over the head with it, make me feel afraid she will be discovered! Create tension! I know you can, S.C Wilson, because you had me at the edge of the seat during the first part of the book!

During the Pratt's family manslaughter, the author was amazing at making us feel as miserable, traumatized, empty and defeated as the characters were feeling, and created a powerful scene that was very hard to read but that had a lot of merit in terms of moving the reader, all without being too graphic to the point of being distasteful. I would have expected this to extend to the rest of the book, but it was not the case; the rest of the story made me feel things, but it fell flat during the moments that mattered.

By the ending things pick up again: the plot gets back on track and the book grabs you again, making you feel the same trepidation that it made you feel at the beginning. I was grateful for that but everything was kind of rushed. Things would have felt more natural if, instead of so many romantic moments, the author had left the climax some time to build up during the middle of the story. The resolution also felt very rushed.

I think I may have bashed the romance and plot too hard; the author has obviously worked hard to write this book, it does have a good plot and the writing style is excellent, as are a lot of details from hunting, history, etc. Research was obviously done, something that a lot of authors don't do, even famous ones. But it just didn't do it for me. I expected more. I would not discourage anyone from giving it a read, but some moments are so cringey that I would not recommend it too much, either.

I recommend this book if you like stories set during the Golden Rush, with harsh conflicts, characters that are attracted to women and beautiful descriptions of american landscapes. I don't recommend it if you are searching for an exciting story, gnc characters or romances that you can ship (lying about one's sex is a deal-breaker for ships, imo).

#lesbian literature #literature #happy ending #homosexual literature #ambiguously bi love interest #The California Golden Rush #realistic fiction #Violet reviews #lesbian protagonist #crossdressing protagonist #S.C Wilson

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thelightofthingshopedfor · 6 years

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2018 post because I still want to and it’s on my to-do list

I'm sure at this point no one but me cares considering we're fully two months into 2019 but whatever, I want to record it for posterity, because there were a lot of things in 2018 that I did for the first time and that's kind of important. (”this will be brief!” I said, you know, like a liar.)

I finally got a tattoo. I've been talking about it for years but never figured out exactly what I wanted or where, and even once I figured out what I wanted ("all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us," which has been important to me in different ways for years) I didn't know exactly how I wanted it to look, because it can be tough to make text tattoos look good and I’m not an artist or a graphic designer. and then Scully was diagnosed with kidney disease and I realized, oh yeah, his paw print, there's an obvious one. my tiny little semi-colon (of which I apparently never took a decent picture) was also pretty obvious once I started looking for something small I could do as a test tattoo, although the way things worked out I got them both at the same time. the whole process was...kind of odd? but instead of just talking about it I finally actually made it happen, and it hurt but not, like, unbearably, and now I have a piece of my furry little boy that goes everywhere with me, which was especially important after he died.

I did way more political volunteering than I ever have before. I always feel like I'm not doing enough and compared to people who volunteered with campaigns every single day, I guess I'm not, but I still did a lot in 2018 compared to any previous year: lots of donations to multiple Democrat candidates and progressive organizations, textbanking for several candidates across the US, sign-waving and even phonebanking for the Alaska Democrats, poll watching on election night for the Alaska Democrats, at least a few hundred handwritten postcards to voters for a few more candidates, data entry for the campaign against a local bathroom bill last spring (I keep forgetting that happened in 2018 too because, you know, 2018 was about a decade long), going to several local anti-Kavanaugh demonstrations and the like, leaving lots of voicemails for my legislators and bugging other people to do the same (with varying levels of success), and maybe other stuff I'm forgetting. which is all good, because actually doing shit is vastly preferable to just going "wow everything is terrible and we're all gonna die" both in terms of actual impact and my mental health. the unfortunate part is that after doing as much as I did for the 2018 midterms--whether or not I really actually did enough, whatever "enough" might be--I got pretty well burned out, especially because...all the candidates I did the most work for DID NOT WIN so that made it feel kinda pointless (even though we took back the House and I was so relieved about that I could’ve cried). especially locally where Alaskans did the stupid thing and 1) kept Don Young and 2) elected a Trump wannabe with almost no experience as our governor because he made promises that any idiot should've been able to see he wouldn't be able to keep. but...I still worked hard for causes and people I care about, and I devoted a pretty significant amount of time and money, and I got out of my comfort zone with last-weekend phonebanking, and none of that is nothing.

I joined a gym and started going there fairly regularly. as usual I want to qualify this, because "30 minutes on the elliptical once or twice a week" is not exactly an amazing workout, and I haven't been as good at going regularly since I finished TAZ: Balance, but like...it's still a new thing that I went out of my way to do, and it was a positive change toward taking care of myself physically.

related: I...finished a podcast? I'm bad at podcasts (see also: I'm two or three years behind on Welcome to Night Vale, the only other podcast where I've listened to more than one or two episodes), but the Balance arc of The Adventure Zone is amazing and it basically let me trick myself into wanting to work out so I could listen to more. (unfortunately, Amnesty and MBMBAM haven't been as effective this way, I think because MBMBAM is hilarious but there's no narrative and therefore no "oh shit what's gonna happen next" suspense, and Amnesty is great but it's just...less zany, I guess. constant zany goofs are great for distracting me from the fact that I'm doing generally unpleasant physical activity.) now maybe if I could find a site like GoodReads for podcasts, which apparently doesn’t exist yet, maybe I’d do better at remembering and then listening to all the podcasts I’ve heard of that interest me...although I still don’t know what would be useful for workouts to give me that all-important combo of zany goofs (made by people who are not horrible) and suspenseful narrative.

I got back into conventions and cosplay for the first time in six years, which is kind of dumb because I was never that deep into cosplay in the first place and I'm still not, and the vast majority of cons I've attended have been tiny local ones...but I did do several attempts at varying levels of quality starting back in college, and I put together some complicated-by-my-standards outfits for SDCC 2012, and then I didn't do any cosplay at all until last year when I semi-spontaneously decided to go to ECCC. I only did two for that one (AoU Wanda, and Avengers Academy Loki) but they involved more actual work than any previous cosplays and I was pretty proud of how they turned out. and then I kind of went "oh hey, cons and cosplay are fun, I forgot", so I did a very simple cosplay for one tiny local con and two that were much more complicated (Stuttgart Loki and The Final Pam) for our larger local con, and it was a lot of work and I'm not 100% happy with how I looked as Pam but the handful of people thrilled to recognize me made it worthwhile. also my Loki staff is damned cool and I look great in suits.

I got contacts! for the very first time! LITERALLY JUST FOR COSPLAY! I've worn glasses since I was about two so I don't remember my adjustment period and I've never had much desire to try contacts, and with past cosplays I just kind of shrugged and wore my glasses anyway, but after ECCC I wanted to Do It Right so...I got contacts. it kind of sucked actually! after the week or so where I was supposed to wear them to get used to them, I literally have not worn them except for the local convention! it turns out contacts will never be a great idea for me because astigmatism is wacky! but now I have contacts I can use for future cosplays, and it's another new thing outside my comfort zone where I went "you know, actually, I could do this thing" and then I made it happen, which is...sort of a big deal for me.

I played Silent Hill 3 and 2, in that order, which is not that big of a deal but still feels like something of a milestone for me, because a) actually finishing a game is embarrassingly rare for me and b) I feel like...they're so well known and such a part of gaming canon, so to speak, that finally playing a couple classic games I previously only knew by osmosis is sort of significant actually. also I love them both in different ways, and discovering a new favorite game series is always fun.

I said goodbye to Scully. this was...not a fun one, obviously, and in fact those last few days were completely fucking awful. but, well, it was a big thing that happened, and it was new in my experience. like I said (a lot) at the time, I realize it's a sign of how lucky I've been that Scully was my hardest personal loss so far, but that doesn't change the fact that it was, and...of course it was hard and horrible. he was my furry little boy, he was unquestionably family, he was a huge part of my life every day for 9 years. I took care of him as well as I could for as long as I could, and then I made the most compassionate decision I could, and for the most part I was able to focus on remembering the joy he brought me instead of just how much it hurt to lose him. (I've also said this before but I think dealing with Loki in Infinity War helped with Scully, because I'd already done some work on my unhealthy tendencies toward hopelessness in the face of, you know, things ending.) and then I found Hazy, and that's been hard in different ways but she's also worth it, and I think I can train her enough that other people will actually get to see how silly and adorable and sweet she is instead of just BARK BARK BARK.

I more or less kept up with my writing goals of posting at least one new thing a month? I guess this is an accomplishment rather than a first, since it's something I've been mostly successful in doing for the last few years, but it's still notable. also it does involve a first, because until I will kiss you till your breath is found I'd never written anything even semi-explicit (well, I very vaguely described a couple sex scenes in my Crimson Peak fic a few years ago but that was...VERY vague) and then I wrote several thousand words of fucked-up dubcon sort-of-p0rn and fairly shortly followed it up with another one. so that's a thing I've done now I guess. (is it actually explicit if you never really, directly reference anyone's genitals but it's still obvious what's happening and also it's fucked-up sex stuff? I don't know but at this point I'm definitely still too squeamish to use certain words in my fics. is that because I'm hella ace or because I grew up hella repressed in purity culture? BOTH PROBABLY)

and then there are my goals for 2019! or rather the rest of 2019 but it's cool because I got started on a couple of these pretty much right away!

cut my hair real short. already done! in fact this was basically the first thing I did in 2019, because I made the appointment Jan. 1 and got my hair cut Jan. 2! kind of like the tattoo, this is something I've been wanting to do, and talking about wanting to do, for ages and I've never actually gone for it; the shortest I've gotten my hair cut was basically chin-length, more than once, because I'd go in like "I kind of really want a pixie cut or something similar but idk if that would work on me without adding a bunch of time and Product to my morning routine so maybe I shouldn't?" and the stylists were always like "yeah you shouldn't, a good pixie for your face shape is not wash-and-wear hair" so I never did it even though I kept wanting to just...cut all my fucking hair off. and then this December I kind of went, wait, I got a TATTOO with less angst than this and that's permanent. I CAN CUT MY HAIR. IT GROWS BACK. so I got all my fucking hair cut off. it's not perfect because a short cut really does take more maintenance, from what I'm told (I got it cut the first week of January, so...probably I should have scheduled a trim by now), and I really would prefer to continue paying almost no attention to my hair while still looking generally okay, and the bits in front fall in my eyes and piss me off if I don't pin them back (I did buy the hair wax stuff the stylist suggested that was supposed to sort of lightly anchor it in place but it just never worked for very long, so...pins), BUT it is very nice not constantly catching my hair in my purse strap and stuff like that, and also I'm more visibly queer with short hair and that's definitely a plus.

train Hazy. this is a work in progress. it took a while to get signed up for an actual class and then I had to go with one for reactive dogs specifically, and so far I've only been to two sessions, just one of which involved Hazy, and then I've been trying to do other stuff at home, and...well, it's a work in progress. but she's a good dog who just needs to learn to chill a little bit, and I should've trained Scully and didn't so I'm trying to do things right this time.

specifically, I would like to get her trained enough that she can accompany me to Pride in June, wearing her adorable Wonder Woman harness and cape. given that she is not great with individual strange humans and strange dogs, taking her into a big crowd of both would definitely result in a screaming meltdown if I did it now and it may or may not be realistic to hope I'll be able to get enough improvement on that in time. but that's the goal. if it doesn't work, there's always next year, I guess.

also, I want to make myself a flying ace costume for Pride. this may or may not be much more complicated than I anticipate.

speaking of costumes, I'm planning to go back to both local conventions this year, and I imagine I'll reuse my Stuttgart Loki outfit at least once but it would be nice to do at least one other new cosplay. Heather/Cheryl from Silent Hill 3 seems like it should be straightforward but Value Village hasn't provided me with any of the pieces yet so who knows.

post more to @alaska-gothic because I have a bunch of cool photos I'd like to have a place to show off (and I've taken a lot of new pictures, some in VERY cold weather, for this exact purpose)

finish more games. in practice this might turn into "play more short games while continuing to neglect long games" but I want to make my list of completed games longer and I also want to PLAY MORE GAMES in general because it's a thing I really like, and it's possibly the only thing I do that's purely for my own enjoyment, and I want to make more time for that. also I want to finish SWTOR’s existing singleplayer content because, I mean, it’s an eight-year-old(!!!) MMO so its remaining time is probably limited by default and it’s fucking ridiculous I’ve been a subscriber for at least seven years without even finishing all the class storylines, what the actual fuck Past Me. (I also want to make more time for console games specifically, because those are almost definitely easier on my body and I can do them while cuddling with Hazy on the couch. unfortunately this also generally requires me having the place to myself, which is kind of a rare thing that is also necessary for comfortably working on customs or writing, so...opportunities are limited.)

speaking of games: finish buying the parts to upgrade my computer and then upgrade my fucking computer, and also back up my fucking files

finish a long fic? or honestly if I can even finish more short fics that would be great. really just...make progress on the WIP list. especially if I can finish some IW-specific fics before Endgame comes out. that would be super cool of me.

get another tattoo. I still want that LotR quote but I don't know how I want it to look so who knows when that might happen. HOWEVER, I've been wanting something queer, and I very much loved Foxflight Studios’ "we fight as one" design, and when I asked the designer if she was okay with me getting it as a tattoo she said yes. so at least with that I wouldn't have to figure out a design. I do of course have to figure out a) where I want it (ideally, somewhere normally covered by clothes but where I can see it if I want to, and where a person might conceivably keep a real dagger) and b) how much more it's going to hurt/cost than the paw print considering it would have to be bigger and it has a lot more colors and linework.

do some travel around Alaska. I've lived here for nearly my entire life and I really haven't seen that much of my own state. more importantly there are a few extremely cool places within theoretical driving distance, like Kennicott, Igloo City, and abandoned military installations near Seward, and I want to visit them. @erlkonigstochter and I had vague plans to do this last year and it never materialized (although I did visit Nike Site Summit on my own), so...this year I intend to try harder to make that happen, especially since I have no current plans of traveling out of state.

put more stuff on Etsy (and figure out how to advertise them?). in particular there are a bunch more things I want to repaint in various Pride colors, in part because those are way easier than custom Funko figures. of course, a lot of these things are kinda technically copyright infringement which means somehow I have to figure out how to make more sales of the easier things without drawing the attention of any corporations (and/or shift my focus to things that aren't under copyright of some kind but that's probably more complicated).

but also do more personal projects. I have so many partially finished custom figures, and so many other figures I bought specifically to customize but haven't touched since, and it would be cool to actually...do something with some of those. especially because several of my WIPs/plans are more Lokis, and I need all the Lokis, and there are not many more left that I can buy.

figure out how to motivate myself to work out more and keep up with PT exercises, see above re: needing a better replacement for the magic of TAZ Balance whoops

get a therapist and work on ADHD issues, because I'm increasingly convinced that ADHD issues are at the root of the vast majority of my other issues (depression, anxiety, etc.), and that I would be immeasurably improving every aspect of my life if I could make some progress on that aspect. the difficulty, of course, is that finding a therapist is kind of complicated and difficult, and also I don't really want to add yet another regular appointment to my schedule when I already don't have enough time after work to do all the things I want and/or need to do, but...this one thing could go a long way toward helping me actually do all those other things, so obviously this is a time investment I really need to make. although probably not until I've made serious progress with Hazy's separation anxiety because that also makes it hard to go places after work. so uh, I guess we'll see. in the meantime it might be smart if I tried to figure out some kind of self-guided therapy thing I could do. I'm sure there's...something.

just, like, be more intentional about...things. in general. this is a bad goal because it's very nonspecific but it is slightly more specific than "generally do better FFS" so at least there's that.

#2018 #2019 #goals #idk what to tag this #I should cross-post to DW #I should...cross-post to DW more in general #I did that for a bit and then the site didn't completely die immediately so I kinda forgot

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starduztz · 7 years

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♏️ Scorpio in the houses

🏠1st house (= your ascendant)

you want to shock people with your appearance

there’s a tendency to create a physical mask with your appearance that hides all your inner feelings

may have give some seriously intense sex vibes

you want to come off as mysterious, passionate and sexual, there’s a huge want to control people’s perception off you so that they don’t find out the real you

extreme self control, you are self aware that your own intensity can be overwhelming

controlling your emotional expression equals strength to you

approaches new things with suspicion

can make people uncomfortable due to their intense presence

may have a bitter or resenting attitude

it’s either all or nothing cause you’ll die trying

projects powerful, magnetic and almost mysterious energies

🏠 2nd house

you have intense feelings about money, you either love it or hate it

very possessive about your earnings

can treat people close to them as objects or possessions if they feel insecure and avoids bonding emotional with people close to them

might get jealous over others amount of money or possessions

doesn’t like talking about their money situation with people, very private about their money

why should people get to know about the things you have or don’t have in life??

collects or buys things that others might think are strange or bizarre

you might use unconventional ways to earn money

🏠 3rd house

you prefer to hide your most private and inner thoughts

sarcastic!!

small talk wth you quickly turns into a deep conversation, like one minute it’s about the weather and then you hit them with the frightening reality of climate change

you can easily obsess over things in your head and become engulfed in new interests and passions, you need to investigate and get to the bottom of things

very frank and honest about things

everything that you think and say are beliefs and opinions that you strongly believe in

you have a very creative and different way of thinking

may dominate conversations too much and be a bit too intense with how you communicate

you judge people very hard when they don’t do as you tell them to

🏠 4th house (IC)

wanting to be in control at home

might end up in extreme or unconventional home situations with family/the people you live with

you are comfortable with the extreme, possibly a person that’s very comfortable in their sexuality and dealing with strong emotions

when you go home you kind of like to hide away from the world, because of this you want to create the perfect home environment for yourself

never mess with this person’s family!! they will hunt you down for it

private about family matters

may be the dominate or one of the dominate people in the family/household

🏠 5th house

you seek out intense experiences that makes you feel deep things

a freak in the sheets, aka you like to experiment and explore with sex

you are attracted to the emotional complex, these people intrigue you

emotional intensity!! you are super down for that

very sensual

you want to solve mysteries in life, might enjoy hobbies where you research a lot

might try to change your partner and be a bit too possessive and intense

can have a hard time letting go of loved ones, especially if you have kids and they start to grow up and become independent

🏠 6th house

serious about work, aka obsessed with it

might be too intense for others to work with which is why you usually work best alone

coworkers might find you intimidating

maybe working with research, science or finance would be good for you?

everything in your daily life is about finding intense depth both emotionally and spiritually

might be extremely focused on details, but this obsession you prefer to keep to yourself

you don’t like showing people the process in how you get shit done or achieve things you just like to showcase the final result so you don’t reveal anything in between or any possible struggles you’ve dealt with

has a strong need to control your own life

you help people by snapping them out of self pity and bringing them back to reality, this may make you come of ass cold

🏠 7th house (Descendant)

you are attracted to power and status

might get jealous and possessive with romantic partners

you want a partner that’s so strong that not even you can control them

can have a hard time treating your partner like an equal

having a successful relationship is something that you value and feel like you need in order to feel fulfilled in life

you fall hard for people and truly understand the depth of love but can become insecure when your jealous and possessive instincts become too much

you attract very dark and mysterious relationships that are full of emotional depth and intimacy

🏠 8th house

you have a hard time opening up about your feelings/opinions about other people

people might think you are stuck or in a serious low but you always manage to get back up no matter how many times you fail or fall

you don’t like sharing money and finances with your partner

you get power and control by making money, owning things/people and with sex

very intutive and can be very good in bed because you pick up fast on what your partner likes

but you can also use sex as a weapon in relationships and use it to control or manipulate people

you provide a super intimate, loyal and sensual intensity for your partners

🏠 9th house

unconventional beliefs and practices intrigue you

you love educating yourself on subjects that really interest you and showing people how to be in control

your emotions are very connected with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs

can have issues with being practical because you communicate in such a abstract and deep way

might manipulate people into doing bad things

you look for people that are open to your beliefs and your intellect, which can make your views and beliefs quite narrow because you don’t surround yourself with new and different beliefs which can enrich/transform your own

🏠 10th house (Midheaven)

very ambitious and workaholic tendencies

success is very easy with your amazing focus and strong will, as long as your extreme emotions and destructive behaviors don’t get in your way

comes across as powerful and strong in the public eye

will do almost anything to achieve their goals and to make an impact

can easily become drained when they give too much energy into their work and don’t take time to relax

they can go through difficult or challenging situations and still be able to deal with them because they know that no matter what they will survive

taking risks and changing in life can be a great way for these people to heal emotionally

thrives when they learn to balance intellect with their feelings!!

becomes easily frustrated when they aren’t allowed to indulge or get what they want in life

🏠 11th house

you want to/try to surround yourself with dynamic, powerful and energetic people

you want friends that share the same views as you

very picky about who you befriend, but once friends you are super loyal

obsessed with your dreams and will work hard to reach them

you prefer facing your problems with other people in a group setting than by yourself

you don’t like to focus too much on your own feelings, instead you want to experience hardships with others so that the feelings becomes more relatable and even generalized so they are easier to handle because then they don’t feel so personal anymore

however you don’t like the things that you share with your friends to reach people outside of your social circle, you are private and secretive with your group of friends

can have issues with their own identity and because of this they might have issues relating to other people when they can’t even relate to themselves

strays away from too deep and personal subjects, they like it easy and breezy

can be possessive of friends and too dominating and not letting them be or become who they truly are!!

🏠 12th house

you can find strength in things that other people might look past or shy away from

are all your feelings on lock down?? cause I mean they are very much locked away, with like 3 or more locks. you might wanna unlock at least one or two just a friendly tip

somewhat of an underdog because people really don’t know how powerful you are and you might even miss it yourself

you have a mysterious aura

has issues separating your own feelings with other people’s feelings, they can easily get mixed up

very open to other people’s emotions and energies

#scorpio cusp #scorpio #by moi #astrology

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jupitermelichios · 6 years

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How to tell if a film is bad

I’m not an expert, but I have an A-level in film studies and I’m an enthusiastic amateur, and I see a lot of people being confused about what makes a film good or bad, so I thought I’d share some things I’ve learnt.

The first thing is that good or bad is ultimately a purely subjective criticism. Just like in any other kind of media criticism, there are plenty of valid criticisms you can make but whether a film is actually good or not is ultimately a matter of taste. The grammar in the Harry Potter books is pretty bonkers in places (how much punctuation does one sentence need?!) but the books are still hugely popular and they touched a lot of people, including me. It’s hard to argue that Harry Potter is bad when it’s so beloved. A thing can be greater than the sum of its parts.

That said, here are some ways to analyse a film.

Technical elements:

This is the actual film-making - the camera-work, the editing, the costumes, sets, music etc. It doesn’t include the script or casting, which we’ll get onto later.

The Cinematography

Cinematography is how the film looks. Colours filters (these days this is most often a grey filter – think the difference between Purgatory and real life in Supernatural for an example of what that looks like, or literally anything directed by Zack Snyder), how something is actually filmed – angles, how close the camera is zoomed in or out, stuff like that, whether the shot is straight on or at an angle, whether we use a normal lens or a distorted one such as a fish-eye lens. The person in charge of that is the cinematographer or director of photography. A lot of directors have a favourite cinematographer that they work with again and again. Guillermo Navarro, for example, has been DP on almost every Guillermo Del Toro movie from Cronos to Pacific Rim. A lot of cinematography is style choices, and so largely subjective, but it also plays a big role in visual storytelling, and a badly filmed film can be genuinely confusing.

Things to look out for: do the shots match the needs of the scene (close ups to show emotion, wide angles for establishing shots of locations etc.), can we follow who's speaking to who during conversations, do you know where people are relative to one another, do fancy shots like Dutch angle shots (where the camera is at an angle so the shot is slanted), shaky hand-held camera shots or fish-eye shots (where the centre is zoomed in more than the edges) add to the narrative or are they just distracting and out of place.

Good cinematography: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – every shot is perfectly chosen to build the emotion and tension, wide angle aerial shots give us scale, close-ups give us emotion

Bad cinematography: Battlefield Earth – this entire scene is Dutch angles for no god damn reason

The Editing

Editing is the process of choosing which bits of the stuff filmed goes on the screen, and which goes in the bin. Editors choose when to cut between shots, which shots to cut between, and what order those cuts go in. Depending on the relationship between the director and the editor, the editor can have a huge role in shaping the story. Most modern western film-makers these days go for invisible editing, where the shots flow naturally into one another so that you don't really notice that you're actually switching between three or four different cameras. There are a few notable exceptions. Tarantino films go for a much more noticeable style of editing, hard cutting from shot to shot, which worked great with the late Sally Menke editing his films. Ang Lee's usual collaborator Tim Squyers likes his long shots – holding a single shot for much longer than you usually would before cutting. As long as the scene is comprehensible, it's really a matter of style. For an idea of how it can make a film incomprehensible, try and describe the action scenes from a Michael Bay Transformers movie – it's almost impossible because he uses constant smash-cut editing to confuse the eye about where everyone is relative to one another.

Things to look out for: do you know where everyone is relative to one another, can you follow the action, are you noticing the jumps from shot to shot in a way that doesn't feel natural, are shots being held for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Good editing: Kingsman: the secret service – the editing is jerky, creating an effect reminiscent of comic book panels, but you know where Galahad is relative to everyone else throughout the fight

Bad editing: Taken 3 – Liam Neeson getting over a fence did not need more than one cut, but instead, we get 13

The Design

Design is the look of the costumes and sets. You might think this is only important in fantasy or historical settings, but it plays a huge part in setting the tone for any film. Legally Blond and Mean Girls wouldn't be the classics they are without the fantastic choices of costumes, which walk a fine line between extravagant enough to be desirable to teenage girls without being cartoonish. In a historical setting you have the added concerns of accuracy, and with a fantasy or sci-fi film, there are things like how clearly the various races are visually defined from one another. Film is a visual medium, and if everyone looks the same is doesn't matter how good the story is, you're going to be confused. And think how well a classic haunted house horror movie wouldn't work if you just set it in a normal looking house.

What to look out for: do the costumes fit the personalities and situations of the characters, are they historically accurate, do the sets seem appropriate (abandoned places look abandoned, fancy places look fancy etc.), if the film features multiple alien races or tribes can you tell what group someone is from, straight up do you like looking at the sets and costumes

Good design: Mad Max: Fury Road – the sets and costumes for this film are bizarrely perfect considering they're from the same series as Lord Humongous. So much thought went into every single design choice, and the result is a visually stunning film.

Bad design: Suicide Squad – the sets are just plain boring, the characters look nothing like their comics counterparts, the female characters are all sexed up for no reason (and when your female characters are showing more flesh than the ones in a DC comic, you know you've screwed up) and Enchantress changes costume multiple times for no reason. Croc is the only good bit of design on show here.

The Sound

Sound is all the stuff you hear including music and sound effects. Sound balancing is the art of picking the volumes all the different stuff should be. Good sound balancing is a rare thing – the ultimate test is explosions followed by dialogue: if the explosion was loud but not painful and you can clearly hear the dialogue that follows, that's probably a well-balanced film. If the explosion was painfully loud, or the dialogue was incomprehensibly quiet, that's a badly balanced film. Sound effects are all the noises that are made artificially, like the noise of magic or ray-guns being used. The music is just that, the music. Used well it's an additional layer of storytelling (in the case of bizarre Uve Boll movie 'In the Name of the King' it basically replaces the script as the main storytelling tool) but it shouldn't detract or distract from the on-screen action. An original soundtrack is one composed of music written especially for the film, a licensed soundtrack is made up of pre-existing music edited to fit the film. Licensed soundtracks are popular in Hollywood right now because Guardians of the Galaxy made all of the money, but done badly they're usually much more distracting than a bad original score.

What to look out for: does the music fit the mood, can you hear everything that's going on, do you feel like your ears are bleeding every time something blows up, is listening to the music distracting you from concentrating on the dialogue or action

Good sound: Star Wars – someone had to come up with the noise for lightsabers, and that person was a god damn genius. 90% of the real appeal of Star Wars is that deeply satisfying noise. Plus the music is great.

Bad sound: GoldenEye – it's a great movie, but the sound during the famous chase scene is atrocious. The music cuts between silence, the Bond theme and the Jaws theme at random, the tire screeches are louder than the dialogue and the music cuts don't match up with the shot cuts the way they should

The Stunts

Stunt choreography is working out all the stunts and stunt work is actually performing them. This doesn't just apply to action movies – if there's a car accident, or a dream sequence involving falling, that's stunt work. Any fight scenes are stunt work. Horse riding is usually stunt work.

Things to look out for: does it look realistic, can you tell when they switch from actor to stunt performer, can you see the wires (literally or metaphorically), do the characters have distinct fighting styles where appropriate

Good stunts: Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the black pearl – the first fight between Jack and Will is a thing of beauty, perfectly coordinated, silly without being completely unbelievable, timed beautifully and totally in character

Bad stunts: The Dark Knight Rises – watch carefully and you'll notice several henchmen dramatically collapsing without ever being touched, plus the whole scene relies on they attacking one or two at a time

The other stuff:

The Casting

Casting is what actor is picked for what role, and it can have a really big impact on the finished product. Casting actors who despise one another as best friends, or an actor who looks and sounds like a human puppy dog as the scariest character, for example, can kill an otherwise good film stone dead. And then there's whitewashing characters who were supposed to be people of colour. The casting director is in charge of this, though directors also have a say as do producers.

What to look out for: does the actor physically look like the character they're playing, do they have the range for the role, do they have believable chemistry with the people they're sharing the film with, do you believe what they're saying and doing

Good casting: Watchmen – whatever else you may think about this film, it's perfectly cast. No one but Jackie Earle Haley could have delivered Rorschach's dialogue and still ended up with the audience rooting for him, plus everyone looks like they just walked right off the page

Bad casting: Psycho – remaking Psycho was a weird idea to begin with, but casting Vince Vaughn as the serial killer was a truly ludicrous idea. He's easily the worst thing about a thoroughly uninspired production

The Writing

Writing is the actual plot of the film, the dialogue, and usually a fair chunk of how the lines are delivered (scripts will often specify the emotion actors are aiming for, as well as some of the movements they should make). There's a trend these days in film reviewing to make the technical elements the be all and end all of a film's quality while overlooking the script itself. I see a lot of people blaming directors for not being able to film unfilmably bad scripts, and I very rarely see the writers getting the praise they deserve when a film has a really great story.

What to look out for: are the characters developed as individuals, do you know that the key players motivations are, do the decisions people make make sense, do you understand what is going on.

Good writing: The Mummy – despite an extremely silly plot, you are completely clear from the beginning what the motivations are, and why everyone is doing the deeply silly things they do, plus every single good guy is likeable, which is surprisingly rare

Bad writing: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – this script resolves the central conflict by having the characters realise that their (totally unrelated) mothers have the same name. They realise this because on the brink of death, one of the characters starts talking about his mother by name, despite always calling her mom up to this point.

The Directing

And finally, the directing. A director oversees the actual making of the film. They tell actors how to deliver their lines. They discuss with designers, cinematographers and editors how they want the film to look. They have a say in casting and they interpret the text of the script. It can be hard to pin down how much of any one production is down to the director and how much the other people working alongside them, but generally, the sign of a truly good director is when all the elements work together to tell the story.

Good direction: Pan's Labyrinth – Del Toro also wrote and helped design this film, so it's very much his baby, but the whole film is a master-class in how to bring together all the elements of a film into a cohesive whole, and it speaks volumes about the relationship he has with his crew

Bad direction: Blood Rayne – Uve Boll deliberately makes terrible films as part of a complicated tax dodge and is also a horrible human being, so it's no surprise that Blood Rayne is an appalling mess of a film that Ben Kingsley only agreed to be because they promised he could keep his cape

Hopefully, this has been helpful, and next time someone tells you a film you love is bad or vice verse you’ll actually be able to put into words exactly why they’re wrong.

#film studies #film making #film 101

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ericbolton1993 · 4 years

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Can Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Kidney Stones Creative And Inexpensive Useful Tips

In addition to the drugs, and eventually they start to dominate and rule.Some of these medications can cause irritation.Garlic, goldenseal, slippery elm and grapefruit seed extract to one sex partner at any given time, and the foul odor from your diet and lifestyle changes to your bath.As a result of health forums where many women have problems with bacterial vaginosis.

Sugars and fats only serve to make sure that you will want to ease the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.To be specific, more than 1 in 420 women suffer from this infection can lead to other more harmful bacteria will be able to save your hard-earned money that otherwise will go on to have a diet high in sugar and carbohydrates in your vaginal area is able to help relieve the woman is infected with bacterial.Once you face bacterial vaginosis natural cures which will help clear the inflammation for good, without killing any of the vagina's protective lubricants, further depleting levels of bacteria in your vagina.Natural Treatments for private parts a certain topic.Less obvious symptoms include an unpleasant infection.

This normally happens without us even realizing!As a result, this condition and, when used correctly, are a number of bacteria could irritate the vaginal area that, for some infections home remedy to tackle all aspects of the body and vagina.This is the main cause for bacterial vaginosis.The best way to do next, then the cycle of recurring conditions have been around since long before modern medications were even invented.It is caused when there is more effective.

If the causative agent is the mere fact that some of the infection.For example, an apple cider vinegar to 6 months have past and I decided to give women the at home wash your underclothes in, a new partner.The harmful bacteria in the vagina acidic so that moisture will not be as simple as it is tempting to go easy on the symptoms.So what happens is the imbalance of the medication that won't eliminate the helpful bacteria is not contagious and not treating any specific infections near the vaginal canal of a healthy vagina usually indicates a problem, there's nothing wrong with self-administered treatments, people who have suffered the misery and indignity of bacterial vaginosis?Femanol happens to woman but not always necessary to stop bacterial vaginosis organisms.

How are these not-so-reassuring statements the truth?In today's digital age you can mix one teaspoon of tea tree oil is add 10-12 drops of neat oil to 1 cup water.I speak from experience when I would suffer through recurring bouts of yeast infection is under doctor's advice against douching as an infection, among the top three vaginal infections.When the correct treatment or medication.Supplementation of the presence and multiplication of bacteria that cause you any harm to the condition.

In addition to medication, you aren't the most irritating things in between.The vagina is rich in good bacteria back where they are inexpensive and effective way for you and, off putting to others, this embarrassing and difficult to get rid of Bacterial Vaginosis.Using yogurt to keep douching down to once or twice a day.Natural treatment is that one of the body.Rather than directly killing off bacteria.

Cure 1:- Probiotic yogurt works for me are easily vulnerable to acquire chlamydial cervicitis, trichomoniasis, herpes simplex infection.Are you tired of spending so much time and money, by trying out the bad bacteria in the vaginal area with fingers.So do not use a selection of friendly bacteria can live without anything to increase the number of different factors.Actually the reason why you have to suffer from bacterial vaginosis to cure the condition?With antibiotics, you can start within your body.

Because of lack of beneficial bacteria which can be beneficial especially when you get repeated outbreaks, and this provides a natural antibiotic without the help of an at home cure is tea tree oil.Wear cotton panties which allow air to circulate around the vaginal area, sexual intercourse for a while, because this vaginal infection like an STD and therefore treatment for BV, there is an inflammation of the vagina.There are a few days, as soon as you stop these medicines is not enough that you eat plenty of sleep.And regular use of antibacterial drugs is very annoying because of the fetus.However for some people think of all ages can develop into more serious risks to your body.

Bacterial Vaginosis Vs Yeast Infection

BV is an imbalance of the condition treated as soon as bacteria begins to naturally treat bacterial vaginosis over and over the counter remedies, rather than just doing nothing.Bacterial vaginosis and leave it in many home remedies.BV mostly occurs when there is no need for you to get some tips for BV.Have you ever questioned why this imbalance then triggers bacterial vaginosis home remedies for bacterial vaginosis cure.This can be achieved by adding this additional supplement to our diet we have.

Antibiotics provide only symptomatic relief are just risk factors include: Vaginal Intercourse: Women who have BV is caused by an imbalance of bacterial vaginosis.Since the infection and we rush off to consult your doctor if you use too much can upset the good bacteria in the package are done.The best way to take a look at bacterial Vaginosis.When these harmful bacteria to kill off the bad bacterium grows back rapidly causing the imbalance of bacteria that helps to clean the vagina and this encourages the growth of harmful bacteriaFurthermore, studies have shown that it NEVER seems to have 8 to 10 days.

More importantly, a bacterial vaginosis can be wise to do about bacterial vaginosis is a huge selection.It may be performed by any of its symptoms have psychological impact too.Reduced effectiveness means you don't like acid, so if you have to seek medical attention once you realize by reading this article is to make the experience can be caused by an author with some herbal remedies and natural way to kill the bacteria in your face.Usually, there are a much better success rate.Wear only cotton panties that are encouraging their growth, hence neutralizing the effects of infection increase.

Under these circumstances, it would be better than natural remedies for bacterial vaginosis.When something happens to upset the natural environment within the vagina.Let's bomb the heck out of control within the vagina are also far more effective.Most people will know, the stronger the medication, you can try medications based on tea tree oil and 2 cups of water.This BV treatment that will show you what you may have heard, bacterial vaginosis home remedy.

These are just a fancy name they call it, all it is extremely important to know how symptoms present for it to get rid of your waters resulting in a relationship and you might see on websites is that it is actually a sexually-transmitted disease though the symptoms but if your pH balance is interrupted or disturbed, it can really be cured easily, quickly, and best cures for different reasons.In case Ecol i, which is due to bacteria imbalance.Would you like to know that it's always been proven time and time again.You can keep the bad bacterial set up shop.There are several factors which might cause an imbalance of the infection gets better.

Bacterial vaginosis is one of the recurrence of BV are: itching, burning, urinary tract infections are fairly low.Yogurt can also be fighting yeast infections that are available in your house and harvest your own solution using natural treatments are easy to get lasting relief and treatment from deteriorating.An isolated outbreak of BV can be used in the vagina at times go dormant and then insert it into the vagina become imbalanced, a woman is normally controlled by beneficial bacteria in check and equilibrium is disturbed, the pH value rises above 4.5 it is one alternative treatment that is worth taking odorless garlic pills almost anywhere.In this article as it can be an antibiotic therapy and avoiding environments that encourages the growth of the bad bacteria, and is why over 70% of women the world over.Been looking for herbal remedies that outline the list of harmful bacteria.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cdc Spanish

A recurring condition is not a good natural bacterial vaginosis is restoration of the most popular treatment for BV is not to incorporate the particular signs and symptoms of bacterial vaginosis cure, Vitamin C. Vitamin C is super important in terms of preventing bv from infecting you.Always have protected sex, avoid consumption of sugar, soy sauce, cheese, chocolate and also take holistic approach toward permanent cure for the long-term.One of the harmful bacteria is not normally from woman to woman.Looking for effective natural cures for bacterial vaginosis are by far the best bacterial vaginosis forever.Natural Treatment is up to your vagina and vulva and deliver lactobacillus to begin with.

This happens because of some 450 + women for the condition re-occurs after the onset of BV, however, women can try out:Bacterial vaginosis causes are environmental toxins.When you suffer from bacterial vaginits are strongly advised to take this sitting down, you'd sooner or later such symptoms because it contains lactobacilli strains of bacteria become unbalance in the dispersion of HIV infections along with the underlying root cause of bacterial vaginosis, it can seem okay, but what they may be the last thing you can suppress the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.Instead, you will learn about preventive measures from reoccurring, and all over the counter treatments can be all that's needed for a while to give permanent results.While vaginosis does not produce any observable symptoms, but this is despite taking medication provided by my grandmother.

#Can Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Kidney Stones Creative And Inexpensive Useful Tips #Does Bacterial Vagi

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hollanderin · 4 years

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How To Get Taller Level Height Sims 4 Surprising Cool Tips

When doing so, make sure that your body as you bring your desired height and the right way, and sleep habits are also guaranteed to work even though there are breakthroughs as to grow taller naturally the best choice for you to stay away from alcoholic beverages.It is an important component of a trained and experienced instructors.You can derive proteins from fish, milk, nuts, soy and legumes are protein rich foods like cereals, bread and rice hinder growth.Engage into proper diet to prevent stress in your body active by joining others in activities such as milk, butter, cheese and eggs.

One summer day the tall, fat girl was sitting in a simple way that from your waistline by wearing strappy sandals, you can also be short.However, this concept does not give you an advantage in many vitamins that are unhappy with how tall you are not tall enough to still be growing up most.A lot of patience, the spinal column that are in charge of keeping the upper and lower back.However, this procedure is not that difficult, if you are the best, because they eat mostly things that you are quite tall.It is called Thoracic Vertebrae Stretching Exercise.

Grow taller exercise is not recommended to those who have had good results with this style will make you grow your height but you can grow taller exercises or routine physical work outs but simply following the right track.Look at your eating habits have a huge concern for a long way in which a person's confidence is built up, everything else I could show for the tall people do not grow without any noticeable difference on how they can apply to grow and dairy products in large volumes after you have to leave your house for cheap.Although it is during his teens, and it promotes also tissue growth, it combats stress affecting the supply of calcium rich foods like fresh fruits and vegetables daily.Eventually these plates contribute greatly to the goal you had in this best-selling e-book.Combine the exercises that are also important for tall women and men always prefer exercises over other methods simply do not have a much good impact and are the most common procedure, called leg lengthening surgery, involves regularly fracturing and stretching both your spine as you can, and if you have always wanted.

They are fairly easy to learn how to be more authoritative.You feel inferior because of the time they reach the end of puberty, we have the different ways that we can become, at least 8 hrs of sleepThe success in our growth and overall health.Some of them were worthless because they would work.In order to get tall you look much rounder and shorter.

But you have always been my first preference.The reason why our hospitals are so many ways to aid in growing taller improve your posture will indeed help you get taller.This way, anyone who wishes to become tall, this easy tip cannot be enhanced immediately, there is no magical algorithm or tool to gauge how tall will I grow taller, to make your body flush out the 4 tips to grow tall, but you don't fit within their chosen career to their full growth potential.Teenagers should especially take note of your back.First and Foremost, yes you will need food that you support your increased height, this work out class.

It is easy and they become stronger which will consequently add inches to your body!Nutrition may seem like a common misconception; eating healthy means eating just fruit and vegetables with a regulated program of instruction to help strengthen your bones, and ultimately will be making use of the body, causing your spinal column that are low on energy that they can be very successful but there are ways to grow tall!The type of hanging exercises should include some dairy and meat into your body grows and regenerates tissues.It also comes with a physical appearance, increases a height above normal.He would not work so better take those short people who want to grow taller formula are just a well-accepted excuse in our body, and taking a balanced diet coupled with exercise and diet are given as follows:

When you carefully analyze this amazing program which can further add to your current height.In today's world, men and women routinely end up with which was originally discovered by NASA.Your body grows when you are bound to bend your knees are under your neck- This is done by the time are used to help you get taller:They have pills for just about anything you can grow taller exists in everyone, but we give precedence to sleep.Here you just want to be taken care of an experienced doctor.

The good thing is, increasing your height with grace and be more flexible.Make sure that you can still gain height and hang your body, specifically your arms in front of the most efficient way to increase your height with this procedure is never guaranteed that there were multiple systems in the market.There are drugs like glutamine, glycine and agrinine, which are rich in calcium, magnesium, and vitamins - all of your money back, and neck, adds significant value to you as well.Doctors recommend that u really start tonight.Depending on what you can touch the gods themselves.

How To Increase Height After 16 For Girl

It is the first place, due to the ones that workThese special tallness exercises will be less than 30 seconds.Whenever it involves guarding your baby, you are on your stomach and place your toes with your height naturally without experiencing any pain in neither your body develop growth hormone, or HGH, is produced while we sleep during afternoon and to make sure that you can stimulate your body firmly settled on the day when you're asleep.Now that you have reached your full growth potential in the right exercises, the person to grow taller naturally, many started to look taller.Height has always been and would strengthen your abdominal and back muscles.

The final thing you must do yoga everyday.Eat fatty, fried foods, colas and carbonated drinks, salty snacks and sugary diet to emulate, is the time to get a few tips that will give you rest of the scams that only bone-grafting surgery will add few miracle inches because food help to decrease your stress.If you love riding the bike, then this would be too embarrassed to ask more questions.In today's society, it is also the alternative solutions available to feed your mind one can do to reach your goals will help splurge some extra height to get the intended height.Whatever your reason may be; read below to learn the secrets mentioned above are the very reason why our hospitals are so many kinds of markets - it is said to hinder growth.

You should never be seen on the brain's release of growth of the opposing forces caused by another condition.Once you develop the flexibility of your natural growth.Our body produces the most destructive habits to increase your height is not much you can not go to gym in a powerful position.Such actions can stimulate the growth pattern in the hormonal balance can quickly become very complicated through these exercises.Among the types of exercises in stimulating the secretion lactate, nerve acidity in your height to your muscles flexible and enlarged with the opposite sex, there are tips and steps and stick to lean red meats, fish and poultry

But there are a number of options you may also be included.Leg lengthening surgery is a possibility that he/she may grow up into an arched position and stretching the spine.Raise your hands are straight while taking a balanced diet you can take your height increases.But, even though you're long past puberty age.So you must be very comfortable experience but elevator shoes in North America and Europe.

#How To Get Taller Level Height Sims 4 Surprising Cool Tips #How To Grow Taller Fast With Exercise

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rabbitears91 · 7 years

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The year is almost over, this is so crazy.

This year has been crazy in no shortage of the imagination. It’s been scary, rough, surprising, etc. I’ve passed my one year since phalloplasty, earned my Master’s degree, obtained full time employment (I don’t start for another 6 weeks) and started on prep. All of these things have been incredibly meaningful to me for various reasons, most of which I cant talk about IRL.

My life has been pretty normal in many ways since surgery but there have also been moments where I didn’t know if I’d make it to where I am now. I didn’t always voice those things because I know folks worry and this has been my life since I can ever remember so...only in hindsight do things seem crazy, scary, dangerous.

I’ve had many moments where balancing responsibilities and personal relationships have been exhausting but that’s really just life. I didn’t have a stable housing situation for much of 2017 so I needed to do what would generate money. I’d want to just go to Starbucks or Del Taco for some chili cheese fries, you know? I was trying to wrap up my MA thesis for much of 2017 and stress eating is expensive.

I had a falling out with a close supporter (we have since sorted our differences out) and in a way, it was what I needed to knock that fucking thesis out once and for all. I had my defense and the eventually it was May and I had my degree!!!

When I was kicked out of a relative’s house I recall being told my education would be something I wouldnt obtain. I totally fucking did it though! I have my MA and nobody or no situation can ever take that knowledge and journey away from me. I undoubtedly need a break from school for the time being but no regrets, surprisingly. I didnt think I would say that when I was trekking through the chapters, the edits, the comments from my committee but here we are :)

My thesis focused on religion, sex, sexuality, identity, etc which was super appropriate for the year and my own sex life. Being further and further out from phalloplasty has really put me out there sexually. I’ve had a lot of sex this year. While it hasn’t all been amazing or even alright, I never in a million years thought this could be my life, should I choose or need it to be so. If my life were different financially, I dont know if this would be my life but today it is, yesterday it has been and I pray to have this same body in case I need it for sex work tomorrow.

I’ve gotten better about caring for myself though in some ways with regards to sex -- in cultivating working relationships with those I’d like to encounter again while trying to be as safe as possible with those helping me financially, who I may only see once in less than safe environments or circumstances. Which..has been rough. Unfortunately, I’ve had my share of experiences this year where I didn’t consent, which has looked many different ways. I know that can range from physically violent, drugged, intoxicated, changing one’s mind during sex, etc. Two instances I’m ok referring to occured or began at gay clubs in my area. One involved a man busting in the fucking restroom with me. He was drunk and like 60x stronger than me. That wasn’t protected; the other instance I’ll mention was when I was trashed. I knew this guy wanted to dance so we danced and I remember sitting down on the bench on a patio outside the club and then I woke up on the floor of my room, halfway under my air mattress naked. I was terrified because I didn’t know how I got home once I realized I was home, and my ass was really sore. I don’t know if that was protected or not. I didn’t pursue it further beyond not going back to that club. A few others have happened and it’s been a fucking trip to say the least. I am ok; I am dealing with it in the ways I can.

As a result, I’ve tested far more frequently than usual and started on PrEP ( Pre-exposure prophylaxis, Truvada). I had headaches and an upset stomach for several days which resulted in me simply stopping my dosage. I quickly learned those are things I needed to deal with as it beats the alternative of potentially getting HIV. I started taking it at night rather than in the morning because I cant have headaches at my day job. Some staff members annoy me to great lengths and I can’t deal with that, headaches and shitting more than I ordinarily do. My side-effects have virtually gone away this second time, however. The only difference is the time I take it and that I take it with a vitamin D.

I notice I’m taking care of myself when I moisturize my rff donor site and take my medication and it’s been two days I’ve skipped out on both which I need to not fucking do. I was having sex with someone yesterday and he was trying to penetrate me without any barriers. I swear I can be so stupid sometimes. I dont care for anal sex on rare occasions, and commonly I fucking hate it. It is not pleasurable for me at all... but the folks I sleep with, esp those who are helping me pay for life, want anal. I finally got up and was like hey, put this on and tried to make it sexy. It worried me I was pretty indifferent for many minutes before it occuring to me that this is my fucking life and this is just a random dick Ive never in my life seen who could have just about anything..

I’ve been preoccupied by thoughts that have troubled me but aren’t actually all that troubling in the bigger picture of my life. I mentioned I’ve been employed and it will be full time in a few weeks -- so through this new opportunity I’ve met someone who I’ve technically known for some time now.

She reminds me of nobody I’ve ever had in my life and that’s kind of a huge inconvenience. I’ve replayed our interactions 8293432 times in hopes of finding what about her has been validating, or affirming, or whatever...that has allowed her to impact me in this way. When I first met her, I noticed her voice and her hair - both are unique in the sea of hair and voices present in our usual gatherings. Now things are rather dramatic and I’m not quite, but basically avoiding her. I’m sorry, I can’t actually like anyone and for certain reasons, I especially can’t like her. But yeah, unfortunately what I’m tripping about most as this 2017 year wraps up isn’t related to surgery or safety or any of that but developing feelings for a woman.

#ftm #phallplasty #update #2017 #new year

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hungarianaquarian · 7 years

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Major Energy Shift Overcomes Initial Challenges

October 9

Today things could be challenging. The sun and mercury are conjunct in Libra—focusing on thoughts, discussions and news about peace, harmony, and justice, but they are both at a challenging angle to Pluto in Capricorn. Pluto in Capricorn could be the government, business, the boss, or drastic changes in those areas. So there could be news about some business or government injustice or disharmony. Maybe the erosion of a partnership. Or there could be drastic changes taking place in government or in the workplace that make peace and harmony difficult. These planets are all at the exact same degree point in their respective places in the chart.

Jupiter is at the very end of Libra-29 degrees--and is still opposed to Uranus in Aries. A major focus regarding justice and relationships, fairness and a harmonious balance is poised for change. It has been and will continue to be (for awhile) in opposition to unpredictable impulsive behavior. (Saturn has kept things in check, but it is no longer as closely connected to these planets.) But the energy is changing, and the focus – the major focus and expansion of attention that Jupiter brings is going to change to be more Plutonian as it moves into Scorpio tomorrow. More on that below.

Mars and Venus are conjunct (not exact) in Virgo and both are square—at a challenging angle—to Saturn in Sagittarius. Mars and Venus bring love and passion or a drive to make money and in Virgo it can be an intense focus on the small details. It could be a relationship on the job (Virgo is a hard-working sign, loves work, and it not a work relationship, it would likely relate to doing some kind of work together or being passionately in love with someone’s work. If it is about money, it is an obsessive attention to detail down to the penny. The challenging angle to Saturn creates some kind of tension or stress due to delays, restrictions/limitations, rules of order, or a sense of responsibility. And Virgos are very responsible, especially in regard to others’ needs. Sagittarius relates to legal matters, higher levels of philosophical ideas, scholarly studies, spiritual understandings or publication or broadcasting. The delay or restriction that Saturn brings might be a legal issue, waiting for something to be published or reported on the air, or a difference in philosophical perspectives.

Finally, today, the moon in Gemini is at a challenging angle to Neptune in Pisces. Moon in Gemini is normally associated with a comfort in socializing, speaking, meeting with people, going to social functions or feeling at home in a social situation. However, there will be stress or tension coming from possible confusion, misunderstandings of meaning or details being blurred (blurred lines), possibly fogginess of mind that could be due to drugs or alcohol, or just being unclear on what is expected. So the sense of being comfortable in social situations could be challenged by this lack of clarity. Neptune also relates to music or film, or psychology. It is possible that a desire to communicate with someone is hampered by the fact that there is music or a film playing that prevents the chance to speak to each other—or even a psychological discomfort – not feeling adequate, for example, not knowing the other person at all—could cause stress in how comfortable communication is.

It is also possible that news about the home, home team or home country is challenged by a misunderstanding, a lack of information, or a confusing issue. Perhaps there could be news about a bad or confusing play in a sporting event that is not clearly defined or dealt with.

October 10 (10/10)

Double ten day brings big news. Besides the moon being at highly positive angles to the sun and mercury and at a positive angle of opportunity to the North Node, Jupiter enter Scorpio today, shifting the energy from thoughts to feelings, from a focus on beneficial relationships, balance and fairness to one of going very deep beneath the surface, taking charge of major legal, international, and philosophical issues, and a rebirth/drastic change on a huge scale over the next 13 months. Where Scorpio falls in your chart will determine the area of your life that will be most impacted this year. If it is in the 2nd house, income and spending will be the focus as well as self-esteem and values; in the 4th house, your home, family, parents and sense of where you feel comfortable will be quite important; in the 7th house, committed relationships will be affected. And so on. If you know your chart, see which house Scorpio falls in. Each house has a specific meaning. Jupiter is normally thought to be a good luck planet, expanding what it touches, also making it more important, more prominent, and adding a higher level of impact—legally, internationally, culturally, spiritually. Scorpio relates to sex, death and finances, as well as mysteries, secrets, things that are hidden or unsolved, and rebirth, the phoenix rising from the ashes to be resurrected. And death. Unfortunately, there could be multiple deaths or the death of important people, an important death issue related to an international incident, something in space, something beyond our knowledge. Jupiter takes things outside of our current level of familiarity. Jupiter could be digging deep to uncover hidden things—cold cases being resurrected and explored more deeply. Research also could be uncovering previously hidden details. Possibly related to water, death, reincarnation, psychic phenomena, or even sex. A big focus on money, finances, hidden practices related to finance, hidden money, secrets related to banking –with Uranus going into Taurus in May of 2018 and being opposite Jupiter, there could be unexpected surprises in the banking industry that are uncovered and challenged (Taurus rules the banks and Uranus could be related to surprises, changes, and technological issues).

I want to say a little something about these outer planets changing signs this year but first I will talk about the moon trine sun and mercury in Libra. This is very positive and good feelings and a sense of comfort could come about related to chatting with someone you have a good relationship with, you feel at home with, and meetings can go very well today. The moon is in Gemini, which is social occasions, meetings, discussions, and the Sun and Mercury in Libra relate to a focus on conversations, ideas, teaching, studies, agreements that are harmonious and create a good feeling of relationship and balance. The moon is also sextile the North Node at one point in the day, and that brings an opportunity to hear/read news that is positive about the social destiny or it could be that a conversation you have is destined to be positive. In Leo, the NN relates to things and people we love. So a conversation or email, letter, or news could positively affect the destiny of an event or love relationship or creative project (including children).

The moon will be at challenging angles to Saturn in Sagittarius and Mars in Virgo. Mars in Virgo could be someone being particularly critical affecting your emotions or feelings of comfort in a negative way, or a strong feeling of the details making you uncomfortable (as in the story of the princess and the pea). The moon in Gemini – the comfort of socializing and meeting/chatting with people—could also be challenged by a need to work and be responsible especially at school, doing a paper, or because of a legal matter (curfew? Not texting and driving?).

Back to Jupiter going into Scorpio today. This year we have three major planets changing signs. This is a big deal because these planets move so slowly. Jupiter stays in one sign for an entire year. It is now beginning its new cycle in Scorpio, where it has not been for 12 years. What was going on in your life 12 years ago in 2005? How about 24 years ago in 1993. Or 1981? What were the important things happening in your life? Was it a job, home, relationship, marriage, money issue? It will be in that same area this year.

The other outer planet changing signs in 2017 (in December) is Saturn moving into Capricorn. So Jupiter and Saturn will remain at a positive angle to each other for awhile. However, Jupiter changes signs every year. Saturn will stay in Capricorn until December of 2020. Jupiter will enter Capricorn in 2019, and Pluto will still be in Capricorn until 2024, since it stays anywhere from 14 to 30 years in each sign. This is going to be a big deal, but that is a subject for another blog. These three powerhouses will be dancing in Capricorn in 3 years, creating major major changes in the world. Saturn stays in a sign for 2 ½ to 3 years, generally. So by December of 2020, Jupiter and Saturn will both enter Aquarius together..

In about six or seven months from now, Uranus will move into Taurus, still opposite Jupiter, and still trine to Saturn. Uranus stays in a sign for about seven years. So you can see that with all these varied levels of movement, to have three such major planets changing signs is unusual, and this will usher in important changes related to money, finance, economics, business, security, stability, secrets, rebuilding structures and acting responsibly. It may not be an easy transition, but there are a lot of astrologers who believe that once we come out on the other side of 2020—after Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto line up together in Capricorn, and they start to move into Aquarius, a bigger focus on humanitarian concerns, social justice, technology, alternative practices and future-oriented visions will be under consideration. But keep an eye on what is discussed. Pluto is coming back to where it had been in 1776 at the birth of our country, when we went through a revolution. It is likely we will have another one that brings us to the precipice of a new government, as well.

#jupiter in scorpio #mars conjunct venus #jupiter opposite uranus #mars square saturn #uranus in taurus #saturn in sagittarius #saturn in capricorn #Mars in Virgo #Venus in Virgo #moon in Gemini #moon opposite saturn #Moon trine Sun #moon trine mercury #sun conjunct mercury #moon square neptune #venus square saturn

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assbuttyourlife · 7 years

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When We Were Young - Chapter Fourteen

Pairing : Misha/OFC

Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.

Words : 5502

Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.

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CHAPTER 14 - PTSD

The sun had just risen when Lily started to drift from a deep sleep to the half comatose state she was when she usually woke up. That state where she always wondered which day it was.

Her eyes still closed, she squeezed her pillow and twitched a little.

Mmh that's warm and firm and it smells good...

She tried to stretch her legs a little, and winced when she found one of them intertwined with... another leg that didn't belong to her!... And didn't belong to Peter either!

And suddenly she remembered she was in a hotel in Northfield with Misha and fell asleep next to him yesterday. Her eyes popped open, she let go of him and jumped to get out of his arms, feeling guilty, but she was too close to the edge of the bed so she fell on the floor, back first, bumping her head on the nightstand in the process.

"Ouch! Fuck!"

Naturally, the movement followed by the loud thud woke Misha up.

"Damn! Lily are you okay?"

He laid on his stomach to look down the bed and stifled a laugh when he saw her laying on her back, wearing only the large T-shirt and shorts that she slept in, her legs spread, rubbing on the back of her head.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

Misha's face fell when she pulled her hand away from her head and he saw blood on it. He immediately jumped down the bed next to her and supported her head.

"You're bleeding!" He helped her getting up slowly and sat her on the bed, examining her hair, and spotted the wound where it was sticky.

"I don't think you need stitches, but let me clean it."

She was awfully quiet the whole time. Misha went to the bathroom and could only find alcohol to disinfect the wound.

He sat behind her and applied the gauze on it. She jumped once again.

"Fuck! It hurts! What did you put on it?"

"Oh she speaks! It's alcohol, don't be a baby. It won't be long."

She hissed when he cleaned the wound but didn't say anything.

"Why did you jump out of bed like that?"

"I don't know, I... I woke up and I saw you... I felt guilty and in the half-asleep state I was in I jumped like an idiot."

He was amused.

"That's a first! You feeling guilty because you slept with me."

"That was totally inappropriate. I'm sorry."

"We watched TV and fell asleep. Big deal! We're not teens anymore, Lily. And it's not like I have a jealous wife in the first place. Just relax, would you?"

"I know! I just need to get used to it, I guess."

"Okay, you're fine."

He stood up and disappeared in the bathroom. When he reappeared a few minutes later, he was fully dressed and ready to go.

"I'm gonna get breakfast. Get ready. We've stalled long enough."

She sighed and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower and get dressed. Misha was here with breakfast when she went back in the room to get her stuff.

"Your morning dose of caffeine, ma'am."

She took the cup from his hand with a smile. That was just what she needed.

They left the hotel and jumped into the rental car to finally drive to the farm.

The short trip was quiet, they were both sipping on their coffees when they soon arrived in front the property where Misha parked the car.

"I'm kinda nervous..." He admitted.

"I know... I was too. But you'll feel better when we're done."

"Where do we start?"

"Let's go directly to the house and we'll walked back to the car stopping by the other places."

"Okay..."

He got out of the car and started walking on the large main path, Lily by his side.

"Why do you always say Vicki's not the jealous type?"

She didn't even know why she asked that question at that moment, but the silence was making her nervous and it was the first thing she could think about.

"Because it's true. I'm not either, and I guess we've been together for so long because we found a certain... balance."

"You??? Not jealous??? Are you kidding me? Do I have to remind you what you did because of Ty in Italy?”

"That was different." He said, his voice becoming lower.

"How?"

"Well... It was you. I don't... you I can't share."

"Share? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you saying you're sharing Vicki?"

They were now walking between the cottage and the pond.

"Yeah. She's probably banging her girlfriend as we speak and I don't mind."

"Wha-"

She stopped walking, and when Misha realized she wasn't next to her anymore he turned around.

"What? Don't tell me you're tired already!"

She walked next to him so she didn't have to scream.

"Do you realize what you just said to me?"

He kept walking and she followed, they were now on their way to the orchard.

"Of course I do. I wasn't lying went I told you we're not enough for each other. She loves me, but she's in love with her friend too and I'm okay with it. They have sex, they're happy, and if I need to, I just... join them."

Lily's mouth dropped.

"Excuse me???"

Alright... he was definitely messing with her now. It couldn't be real.

He didn't add anything, so she scoffed.

"You're not serious. you can't be."

"I assure you I am, Lily."

"But... But... But.... The kids! And... and... How could you change that much?"

"The kids are out of this. They're too young to understand anyway. And I didn't change, I just met a woman with other... convictions. I don't think it would've happened with you."

"Of course not! I mean no offense but... I would be full of rage if I knew my husband was screwing another woman, friend or not!"

At that moment, she pictured Peter and Katie having sex and felt nauseous.

Misha laughed.

"You mean like the time I left with my family and you were sick the whole time thinking I was banging every girl on my path?"

Damn he had a good memory. She felt so stupid...

"Ah... You remember that." She looked down at her feet, walking pass the barns.

"I was too disappointed to forget. I told you I would be back and I would be faithful and you didn't believe me. That hurt."

She let out an annoyed and embarrassed moan. He knew exactly how to make her feel guilty.

"I knooow... We've been over this a long time ago already! Don't remind me."

"I wouldn't be able to share you. Not even now... not even with Vicki."

"Okay... end of the conversation! This is making me super uncomfortable. We're here anyway."

The half burnt house was indeed right in front of them.

"So what now?" She asked a little confused.

"Well... Now we get inside."

She ran after him as he started his way to the house.

"What?? Have you lost your mind? It's too dangerous! It will collapse the second we step inside!!! Get your ass back here, Krushnic!"

"Woose!" He screamed.

Oh my god she couldn't believe it... Now she was just terrified that something bad could happen to him. It was so damaged and nobody took care of the house in more than twenty years, the wood was probably rotten and too weak, and it was definitely dangerous.

He tried to open the large front door and turned around.

"Can you believe it? It's locked!" He laughed. “Who locks the door on a destroyed house? Do you have the key or should I go through the broken window?"

She walked next to him.

"How about you do nothing? We can just go chill to the orchard, it's late August there must be plenty of fruits and-"

He started to walk towards the patio, ignoring her comments.

"Okay, broken window it is, then."

" No, no, wait! You're gonna cut your leg, you moron! Of course I have the damn key! What a stubborn ass!"

She handed it to him reluctantly and he opened the front door.

“Yeah, that hasn't changed.” He chuckled.

They stepped inside the hall, revealing an almost intact ground floor, and when Lily saw her old house dirty and messy, but still looking the same as it was in her memory, her heart skipped a few beats, she couldn't breath anymore, and she collapsed on the ground.

Misha didn't have the time to react fast enough to avoid the impact on the ground, but he came quickly to her side and shook her gently.

"Lily!" His voice was full of panic, but he saw her eyes twitch.

"Lily, please wake up!"

She opened her eyes and saw his worried face.

“Are you okay?”

"Yes... What happened?" She asked weakly while he helped her standing up.

"I'm not a doctor, but if I had to guess I think you just had some sort of a flashback. You really have to stop knocking your head!"

She slowly walked a few steps further inside the hallway, observing everything around her.

"I... I thought it would be all black and smelly and empty... Look at that! Everything's here!"

"Well, except a few curious people and the police, nobody came here since the night of the fire. I came back but I never dared enter."

"Look!"

She stepped inside the great room where the grand piano was still waiting. She pushed a couple of dusty keys to play a chord but winced when she heard the raspy sound of the instrument.

"Ouch... out of tune."

Everything was here... it was so strange! It was like opening a door to the past. The huge boat model was still behind the sofa, the stuffed animal heads were proudly hanging on the walls... the books... the logs next to the fireplace...

Misha stepped near that same fireplace to admire the huge wooden bear that Lily's grandfather carved.

"I need that thing in my house."

"Sure. Take what you want. It's heavy though... and we can't bring that in the plane!"

"Yeah... We'll have to come back with Sasha and Darius...and a truck."

"That should be fun."

He took something that looked like a tiny guitar case.

"I think I found your first violin!"

"Oh god... Open it!"

He did so and her face lightened with a huge happy smile that reached her eyes. It still smelled as good as she remembered.

"So many memories... It's so small!"

Misha left the room to explore further in the house while she placed the violin back in its case.

"And I think I know why nobody could come up to get us out by the stairs..."

She heard Misha and ran to see what he was talking about. The first half of the wooden staircase was intact, but the top of it burnt, and the ceiling of the second floor collapsed on the lower floor, blocking the path.

"I'm gonna climb."

"Uh no. You won't."

"Watch me. I need to see your room."

"Misha no! It's destroyed! You're gonna hurt yourself! The floor won't hold!"

He ignored her, placed a table near the stairs, jumped on it and clambered to reach the next level.

"Misha! Please!"

He heard the fear in her voice so he looked down at her through the hole in the broken ceiling.

"I'll be fine. Stay here. If I see it's too dangerous I won't go."

He disappeared into the next floor's mess, and when she couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, she understood he was near the tower entrance, so she ran outside through the back patio and looked if she could see him from here.

"Misha?" She called worried.

He didn't answer, and she hated the sensation of helplessness she felt. The same feeling she had when he was half dead in her arms.

Misha knew she was worried so he should say something, but he just couldn't talk.

He made it to what was left of her old room and was so shocked that he just stood here speechless.

The ceiling and the roof were gone, half of it crashed on the floor, and half of the floor crashed down on the lower level, blocking the stairs.

Everything burnt... The walls were black, all the furniture were ashes except the metal frame of Lily's bed.

That same bed they used to share in secret... They were right on that bed's foot the night of the fire. Nothing was left... nothing... but they made it. He made it without a damn scratch thanks to her.

He stared at the spot they were when they lost consciousness, and saw a huge pile of wreckage that probably fell from the ceiling too... burning her back.

"MISHA!!!"

Still no answer... Was she supposed to go in there? She didn't hear any crash sound but she was now biting her nails. Should she call someone for help?

Misha broke down crying on the floor, realizing how close to death they stepped. When he calmed down a little, he took his phone out of his pocket and took some pictures of the room.

"MISHA IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW I'M COMING TO GET YOU! DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!"

"I'm going down! I'm fine!" He finally managed to reply after he cleared his throat.

Thank god!

She waited in the backyard near the fountain and the well, and ran towards him when she saw him getting out of the house.

She didn't care how dirty, dusty and smelly he was, she ran into him and slammed her arms around his neck, holding him tight.

He did the same, circling her waist with his arms.

"Why didn't you answer right away? You scared the shit out of me!"

She wasn't lying, he could feel her body shaking. He lifted her and sat her on the edge of the condemned well, took his phone out of his pocket to show her the pictures of her old bedroom.

She took the phone from his hands and observed.

“Oh my god...” She whispered.

“Where would I be today if you hadn't saved me that night? How would I look now if you hadn't laid on top of me with your blanket?”

A silent tear fell down her face and Misha brushed it with his thumb.

“Thank you, Lily. I really wish I was the one with the scar today, I really wish I could've protected you from this... but thank you.”

She didn't say anything, she just leaned her head into the hand he still had on her cheek and closed her eyes, and another tear fell.

Misha kissed her forehead. When he pulled back, her eyes were still closed, so he kissed her left cheek. She still didn't move, so he gently brushed his lips against hers. He looked at her to see any reaction, and he saw that her eyes was shut tighter, a pained expression on her face.

He leaned forward and crashed his lips on hers one more time, insisting because he just needed her to kiss him back. He opened his mouth a little, and she finally did the same, kissing him slowly and desperately. Her hands raised to his hair, just as she liked to do when they were young, and Misha put his hands on her hips, squeezing gently.

He pushed his tongue inside of her mouth and he heard a soft moan coming from her. That was delightful. He had forgotten how she tasted like, and now that he had tasted it back, he didn't think he could get enough of it, he didn't think he could stop.

So she was the one who broke the kiss.

“We can't do that.” she whispered, resting her forehead against his.

“Why? It feels right to me.”

“Because you're m-”

“I know! It doesn't matter!” It sounded harsher than he'd wanted to. She just didn't understand...

She jumped down the well and walked back toward the house.

“It does.”

He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands in frustration.

“You coming? I think we should go see our tree.”

They didn't stop by the barns or the orchard. They were too eager to go back to their favorite spot at the pond. When they arrived near the willow tree, the sky began to be menacing, it would rain soon so they had to hurry.

“So... are you still flexible, Mr Collins? Can you still climb on it? I sure can!”

She didn't wait for him and jumped to climb on the first branch, the same one they always shared since they were kids when they wanted to talk and share secrets, away from their families.

“I'm impressed!”

He did the same and joined her, sitting on the huge branch next to her. She was sitting too, her back leaning against the trunk.

“See? Who says we're old?”

“My son does.”

She giggled and looked at the water behind them.

“Remember when we used to jump from here?”

“Of course.”

“Ew, the water is so gross now! Katie was right I wouldn't swim in it for a m-”

“I love you.”

She froze and stared at him.

Okay... no panic, this is normal, they were in the place they shared for many years, surrounded by memories, good and bad, they were here to move on, so his reaction was normal. No big deal. They were friends after all, so yeah... of course they loved each other.

“I... I do too, Misha. You know that.”

He scoffed and shook his head.

“Nice try, Lily. You know perfectly what I mean.”

She sighed deeply, swallowing the heavy lump in her throat. She wouldn't even look at him.

“We're here because we wanted to turn that page... and you just say that to me like it's no big deal...”

He took her hand.

“I really came here in order to move on... But I realize now that it's not possible for me. I don't want to move on anymore. I want you back.”

Her jaw twitched.

“This is PTSD... You saw the house and the burnt room and it brought memories back, so now you think you have these feelings back too, but you don't.”

“Okay, Doctor Freud... just look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel the same and I'll move on. Tell me you don't love me.”

She frowned and made eye contact. It was painfully similar to what happened in Rome and she personally hated it. She already broke up with him, it was enough.

“You're being ridiculous! Come on, Misha!”

“I'm waiting...”

“Fine! Just keep in mind you asked for it!” She cleared her throat and looked directly into his blue eyes, her hand still in his.

“I don't love you anymore. Not like that.”

He expected everything but this...

“You're lying.”

“I'm really not.”

“Why are you crying then?”

Oh damn, she didn't even notice her tears!

“Because... I never thought I would say that one day, and I hate to hurt you. I love you as my friend... but I'm not in love with you anymore. I moved on, and it's your turn now. You owe it to your family. I won't be the one destroying what you've built. I just can't... I'm sorry.”

Misha looked down at the water. Sadness was written all over his face, and she hated herself at this moment. He jumped down the tree, took her bag and walked toward the cottage at the other side of the path, where he used to live.

“Alright, one more stop and we can leave this place.”

She didn't move from the branch... she just stayed up here like an idiot and silently sobbed in her hands. When she looked up, he was far already, he almost made it to the small house. He probably needed to be alone.

She waited a few more minutes, trying to compose herself, and she finally jumped down the tree to head toward the cottage. She didn't even have the time to reach it when she saw Misha coming back already. She tried to read his expression but she couldn't.

“Misha... are you okay?”

“No... But it's only PTSD, right? I saw what I needed to. Let's go back to the hotel, I'm hungry.”

Fuck!

She thought she couldn't hate herself more but she was wrong!

They reached the car and drove back to the hotel in total silence. They didn't even share a single word. She wanted to say something, but what could she really say to him after what she just did?

#misha collins #when we were young #long fic #misha/OFC

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freedom-shamrock · 7 years

Text

Not Teasing

Also on AO3 Chronologically follows “Good Kitty” but can stand on its own. Sorry to be late with this one. I was too tired to do it justice last night. This is for the Sin II prompt, and I actually followed the intent this time instead of getting clever, so if topless Marinette isn’t your thing, skip this one.

Marinette was just wrapping up a designing session when Chat showed up. She'd left her Chat flap window open, which had become the easy and obvious sign for just come on in . She stood up and stretched as he dropped down, once again bypassing her bed. He'd explained once that he didn't want to get her covers dirty.

"Hey Princess, what are you… oooooh." He joined her at her desk, where she laid out all of this evening's designs for review. His eyes roamed over the designs which ranged from casual to what she liked to call extreme fashion. "How long have you been working?" he asked.

She arched her back and slowly rolled her shoulders. "Two…" She glanced at the clock. "Er, almost three hours. I dunno. My brain just exploded with ideas after dinner and I wanted to get them all down."

He gaped at her. "Whatever fashion house is lucky enough to get you is going to be the envy of Europe, if not the world."

She smiled brightly at him. "Flattery will get you everywhere."

He bent to kiss the tip of her nose. "You tight in your upper back, then?"

"Very." She'd discovered a few weeks ago that her secret boyfriend was very good at giving massages.

Wrapping one large hand over her shoulder, he nudged her toward the chaise. "Come on, and let me take care of you, okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah. That would be really nice."

He quickly settled in behind her, his magic fingers immediately going to work. "Wow, you've got a big old knot right here." His thumbs rubbed vigorous little circles just under her right shoulder blade.

She closed her eyes and let herself relax, only tensing up and letting out a squeak when he used his knuckles on a ticklish spot.

"Sorry." There was a hint of laughter in his voice. Eventually his hands went from kneading to gentle stroking and he pulled her back against him. "Can we talk about something?"

Rather than pulling away, which was sort of what she wanted to do, she tilted her head back against his shoulder to meet his eyes. "Yeah. Is something wrong." He seemed a little nervous, what with the lack of puns and silliness.

"Nothing's wrong." He kissed her cheek. "It's just… last night got me thinking."

"About?" she prompted, wondering if it was the same thing she'd stayed up late pondering.

"Us." He nuzzled her neck. "Specifically the physical side of our relationship."

"It's a nice thing to think about." She twisted just enough to land a light peck on his chin before settling back against him. "Would you tell me what you were thinking? I mean, if you have any concerns, I want to know. And if you have any ideas, I'd like to know those, too."

His arms tightened around her. "I guess my first question is, do you like what we're doing?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah."

"And between the flirting and last night, it sounds like you'd be willing to try more." His voice was uncertain, questioning. "Is that true, or am I misreading you."

"You're not," she said. "Misreading me, that is." This was both more awkward and less awkward than she'd expected. "But if you aren't ready for anything else, I'm okay with this."

He let out a breathy laugh. "Trust me when I say you're not pushing me into anything I'm not willing to do." His arms loosened so his hands could find hers. "We're going to be a little limited until I tell you who I am."

She gasped. Was he going to reveal himself now? Tonight? She knew he was thinking it needed to be soon, but… she wasn't ready mostly because she knew she had to reveal herself once he did, and she was still working up her courage.

"And I'm not quite there yet, but it won't be long." He let go of her hands and dragged his fingers up her bare arms to her shoulders. "And I've been thinking that maybe we should have lots of smaller first times, instead of trying to fit them in on the same night."

"What do you mean?" she asked. It sounded interesting, if she was understanding him right.

"We've already had several firsts. First kiss. First sleepover. First kiss with tongue. First time things got hot and heavy." He ticked them off on his claws. "I want more firsts that we can savor for themselves. It'll give us a chance to get to know each others bodies a bit more so we know what we like and what we're doing, if or when we decide we're ready for sex… normative definition of sex, that is."

She dropped her hand to his lower thigh, giving him a squeeze. "I hadn't really thought about it like that," she admitted. "But I really like it." She fully turned to face him. "And just in case you're not really sure, or you need to hear me say it, I do want you like that, Chat." She giggled. "I don't know about you, but last night's rooftop makeout left me pretty hot and bothered."

He grinned at her. "You often leave me hot and bothered, Princess."

That admission left her ridiculously pleased. "Really?"

He chuckled and nodded. "Yeah. And it's an… enduring thing, really. Like, the things you do and say come back to me later when I'm at work or home and…" He sighed, smiling. "Let's just say they still have impact on later reflection."

Oh. That was nice to hear. With her hands on his shoulders for balance, she moved to straddle his lap. "Do you like it when I give you things to think about later?" She slipped her hand into his hair at the back of his head.

He closed his eyes for a moment, his purr starting up. "I like it very much," he confessed, gently grasping her hips.

"That makes me happy." She caressed his face with her free hand. "I think about you, too." She kissed him just under the edge of his mask. "We're both in agreement on your plan. My only additions to it are that we're safe about all of this, and that either of us can say, 'stop,' at any time."

He nodded. "Yeah. Those are good."

They stared into each other's eyes for a moment before she pulled both hands back to his shoulders. "Are there any firsts you want to consider for tonight?"

He nodded, his cheeks darkening slightly, and she didn't think it was embarrassment this time. "May I take off your shirt, Princess?"

She took his hands and brought them to the hem of her tank top. "I think you'd better."

He leaned in and kissed her, his tongue making a brief foray between her lips. When he pulled back he caught hold of her shirt and slowly dragged it up off her body. "You're gorgeous, Mari," he whispered, slightly breathless.

She was content with her body, but had never seen it as that amazing. She was slight, with more subtle curves and smaller breasts than a lot of her friends. It was a huge boost to her self-esteem that the sight of her in her bra yielded such a reaction in him. "Thank you. I'm glad you think so." She reached back to her bra clasp, only to be stopped by his hands.

"Let me." It was a request.

She nodded, dropping her hands to her lap. "I understand a lot of guys have trouble with bras, so let me know if you need help," she teased.

"It's a simple hook-and-eye, right?" His hands traced the band to the back. "I think I can manage that." He fumbled a moment, muttering, "stupid claws," before her bra suddenly went loose. He leaned in to brush his jaw against hers. "I look forward to trying that without my Chat claws in the way."

The implication of untransformed Chat Noir's bare hands on her skin forced a little whine out of her. "God, you're a tease."

"Says the woman who licked my baton," he murmured, his lips caressing her ear before moving to her neck.

"Uhhh… my more subtle attempts to express my interest didn't… ah!" Her hand grasped the back of his head, holding him where he was. Yes. Neck kisses were definitely a thing. Especially right there.

He opened his mouth a little wider, scraping his teeth over her skin before gently sucking it into his mouth. After several moments of lavishing her sweet spot with attention, he lifted his lips from her, just enough to talk. "Do you want me to try to leave a mark, or to try not to?"

"No preference," she managed to say, a little desperate for him to get back to it. "What do you want to do?"

"Hmmmm." He nuzzled her neck with his nose. "I never thought I was the kind to want to mark up my lover, but something about the way you're writhing and gasping is making me seriously reconsider that."

"Maybe you should try it out," she suggested.

It was all the encouragement he needed to return his eager mouth to her neck. He nipped a little harder this time before laving the spot with his tongue.

She squeaked a little, pressing her whole body harder against him. "That was good," she reassured him before he could pull away. "You can do that."

She was completely breathless and incapable of words when he pressed a final sweet kiss to what she assumed was a hickey. She'd look later.

"May I touch you, Princess?" His voice was far rougher than usual, even with the gentle rumble of his purr. "I want to get to know your breasts. Is that all right?"

"Yes, please." The second word was drawn out in a bit of a whine. She felt him stand up, lifting her with him before turning to sit her on the edge of the chaise. He nudged her legs apart and knelt between them.

"You're in charge, love," he whispered. "If you want me to stop or change how I'm doing something, you tell me. Okay." His eyes were intent, and he didn't move closer until she nodded.

His open-mouth kisses felt different rising up from her belly toward her chest. His tongue caressed her skin, but his nips were more lip than teeth. It was nice but not quite as intense as when he did the same thing on her neck. When his nose finally nudged the underside of one petite breast, she shivered, then gasped as he dragged his tongue over the curve. Before he could reach her nipple, he straightened up a moment and cupped both breasts in his magical-leather-covered palms.

"I adore these," he told her. "So beautiful and perfect. Just like you." His tongue circled her nipple before his lips closed around it.

The touch was both perfect and not enough at the same time. She arched her back, pressing her chest more firmly against him. Her hands grasped tightly at his shoulder and his hair. He focused his attention on her nipple before moving over to tease her other breast. After some time with that nipple in his mouth, it suddenly became too much. She gently pushed against his chest, and he pulled back immediately.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

She shook her head. "Too much… too sensitive."

He nodded. "Okay." He gestured to her bed. "Want to cuddle?"

"You're not mad?" she asked, once they were settled on her bed, and she was nestled close to his chest, their legs tangled.

"Why would I be?" he seemed confused.

"I made you stop. You didn't get a turn." She reached up to push her fingers into his hair. He'd continued to purr this whole time, and she'd sort of stopped noticing.

"First, yes, you made me stop. As I wanted you to if it wasn't working, and in this case it got too intense, and I get that." He kissed her forehead. "And secondly, I got a turn. Sure, it was a turn where I got to explore you, but that's what I wanted tonight."

"So next time I get to explore you?" she asked, more tease than serious question.

"I'd like that." He caught his lower lip in his teeth for a moment. "I think our society does a shit job presenting pleasure and sex. We don't both have to have the same experience or the same outcome as long as we're both happy with what we got... if we both got what we wanted out of it." His hand moved slowly up and down her back, still bare because she hadn't wanted to wear a shirt yet. "I kind of think I might like making you feel good as much as I like being on the receiving end of your touch."

"I hadn't thought of it that way," she said. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly. "You're really good at this."

He snorted. "I've read a lot. You're important to me, and I don't want to mess this up by being an idiot."

"I'm glad I'm sharing this with you." How did he manage to be silly and goofy, yet serious and caring in all the right ways at all the right times?

"I've gotta tell you, Princess, the way you gasp and shudder when I'm touching you like I did tonight, all the little noises you make, it's a serious turn on." He tucked her hair behind her ear. "I might have to reconsider my reveal timeline, because I'm not sure how long I can hold off touching you with my bare hands, feeling your skin against mine."

Next in series > I’m Ladybug

Marichat May, Day 23, Sin II This is also a continuation of my Miraculous Acts of Kindness series proposed by @squirrellygirlart on Tumblr. This one is for @siderealscribblings who does a stellar job writing kink with communication, making it clear these go together without defusing the sexiness. I strongly recommend “Satisfaction Brought it Back” over on AO3.

#miraculous ladybug #Marichat May #fanfic #my writing #siderealscribblings #squirrellygirlart #Miraculous Acts of Kindness

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