#because taking care of my illness means neglecting normal human things

[yousonickedmyprecious]

Welp, my hair is falling out again.

[strawbaby-13]

I am no Hypocrite, Councillor.

A/N: This is my first fic! Any feedback would be great, love yall!

strawbaby_13 on ao3!

rating: explicit

warnings: choking, face slapping but not too much, dom/sub undertones, amazing use of 'good boy', oral, handjobs, sickening gay yearning.

words: 9.9k

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Jayce stretched his arms side to side as he walked through the automatic door of the lab, stepping in and yawning. It was late…too late for anyone to be working. He glanced over at Viktor at his desk. His partner. He had been working tirelessly ever since their big breakthrough but especially since his diagnosis. He didn't look so good, Jayce thought walking up to him. Viktor hovered over his desk, crunching numbers, muttering to himself. He had been working for probably hours without a break, his hair aloof and the bags under his eyes purple. Jayce walked over and wrapped a hand around the man's shoulder, feeling his partner jolt slightly, clearly not noticing Jayce's entrance. “Jeez, you need a rest, Vik. Have you eaten today?” Jayce said, rubbing his thumb over his shoulder slightly. “Eaten….?” Viktor said not truly paying attention, he had in fact not eaten that day. "Yeah, you know. The basic thing humans do to survive?" Jayce sighed, looking over at a plate, untouched and cold, Sky had probably left it before she went home for the night. He sighed. "When was the last time you left the workshop?" He asked cautiously. "I…do not know- why must you bother me?" not a response but a groan of annoyance. "Because I'm worried," Jayce responded bluntly. His warm hand gripped the man's shoulder more firmly, forcing him around in his swivel chair so that he'd look up at the taller male from his seated position. Viktor glared up at him in retort, not appreciating the gesture. "Worried…" Viktor retorted in a scoff, taking back his arm from Jayce’s grip. "Viktor, you look like roadkill." Jayce pestered in a worried tone, looking at the state Viktor was in. He was paler than normal, the bags under his eyes a purple-ish color. He looked like a literal zombie. "Oh! Thank you!" Viktor gasped sarcastically, knowing Jayce must be right. "I just worry about you is all. You've been overworking yourself. I mean, look at you! You're a mess." Jayce said, his voice stern. He was always the one to get on Viktor's ass when the man neglected himself. "Are you done now?" Viktor asked turning himself back around to face his desk. "No. I'm not." Jayce responded, turning the man back around so he was facing him once again. He didn't miss the way Viktor's jaw clenched, and his eyes narrowed. He looked grumpy as hell. "You're going to bed. No excuses." Jayce said shaking his head, reaching for Viktor’s shoulder again. "What the fuck Jayce?!" Viktor said pushing Jayce's hand away "Why do you care if I sleep?" Viktor spat, making a face as he looked up at him. "Because you look like you're about to drop dead, that's why!" Jayce snapped, his tone sharp. He knew he was being a bit too harsh right now, but damn, he worried about his partner. The man was practically falling apart. "And if I do not continue to work on the Hexcore I definitely will." Viktor said with a hist of malice. He knew Jayce didn't like to talk about his disease. "There's no guarantee the hex-core will even work!" Jayce snapped, not bothering to keep his emotions at bay. The topic of Viktor's illness upset him greatly. He loved Viktor, he was his best friend, hell, he was definitely more…, but hearing the man so certain of his death was heartbreaking. Jayce was terrified of one morning waking up without Viktor beside him. That shut Viktor up. His expression turned cold, sitting back down in his chair and turning around like Jayce wasn't even there anymore. Jayce's heart ached, he felt terrible. God, he was stupid. He shouldn't have brought up the hex core. Or even his illness. He wanted to apologize to Viktor. Say something�� anything. However, he knew it wasn't the best time for that. Viktor needed space, a break from him..he thought. Jayce sighed, his shoulders slumping. Without another word, he walked out of the lab. Viktor probably wanted to be alone, right?

Viktor longed for Jayce, every moment of every day. He missed him dearly, not seeing him as often since he became councilor. He longed for the days that they spend so many hours together, working, eating, and falling asleep together. He was selfish…he wished Jayce would spend his days in the lab with him still..or even just want to. He held his head in his hands and sighed shakily. He tried to keep his emotions still. The emotions that long for him…Piltover’s golden boy. He longed for his voice, his smile, his touch. He shook his head- standing up, steadying himself as he adjusted his cane under his arm. He sighed as he walked away, wondering why he wasn’t able to stop thinking about him.

Jayce returned just over an hour later. walked through the door, his golden eyes scanning the lab, the soft hum of the machines finding the air. But no Viktor. Jayce let out a small sigh, a mix of both relief and dread. Had Viktor finally left the lab and gone to bed? Definitely not. "Viktor?" He asked softly, his eyes continuing to scan the lab. He found Viktor sitting on the balcony looking out into the night, silently, out of sight. Viktor frowned at Jayce's voice, knowing he pitied him. "There you are…" Jayce breathed, seeing Viktor sitting on the balcony. Where all of this started. He walked over and sat down beside Viktor, looking out over the city. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. It wasn't fair." Jayce sighed softly. He knew Viktor was still mad, and probably hurt, but he wanted to apologize nonetheless. "It is fine Jayce. You can stop acting like a hurt dog," Viktor stated, glancing over Jayce's puppy-dog face. Jayce's eyes widened slightly, his heart aching. Ouch, that hurt. Was he that obvious? He knew he cared too much, sometimes. He just wanted to keep Viktor safe and well. Jayce was fully aware Viktor probably had no interest in him romantically, despite that not stopping the fact that he had deep feelings for the man. It was painful, being with someone you loved every day, knowing it would never blossom into more. But he didn't mind. Well, he didn't that much. Not usually. He was fine with keeping his feelings suppressed, for Viktor. He still had him, in his life at least. Viktor sighed, "I am sorry for upsetting you earlier… I know you don't like to talk about it." he said to him, referring to his sickness. Jayce looked over at Viktor, seeing the man look down, his eyes not meeting him. He gave him a slight smile, knowing Viktor never liked looking weak. "It's okay, I know you don't like me getting on your case either. It's a lose-lose situation, huh?" He chuckled softly, trying to cheer up the mood.

"Listen, you can work all you like. Just please promise me you'll take breaks and eat properly, alright? I don't want you keeling over on me." Jayce joked. Viktor's mind wandered at Jayce’s words, instantly thinking of something dirty. The thought of kneeling Jayce over…he smiled slightly, his head leaning on his cane. Jayce raised an eyebrow, noticing the smile. What was Viktor smiling about? Was it his words? "What's so funny? I'm being serious, Vik." Jayce said, tilting his head slightly. It wasn't often Viktor smiled so openly. He found himself wanting to see it more often. He found himself wanting to see Viktor happy. He wanted to make him happy…What? "Nothing," Viktor said back, his face dropping again. Jayce frowned. He knew he couldn't pry with Viktor, he was a stubborn one. Jayce wasn't even sure why he bothered half the time with caring for the stubborn man. Perhaps he was a fool to continue loving him? "We're both too serious, huh? You're always holed up in the lab and I'm always doing council work. Let's make a deal. tonight's for us, yeah? No work, no hexcore. Please?" Jayce asked, smiling at Viktor. The sound of Jayce asking so nicely made Viktor take a deep breath in and close his eyes as his forehead pressed into his cane. Jesus, why give a man who looks like that an equally hot voice? "Alright," Viktor sighed reluctantly, the thought of Jayce still lingered in his mind. He had always known he cared for Jayce deeply, but he never let his unrequited feelings take over. But nowadays it feels like all he can think about. Jayce's smile widened. He was glad Viktor was in a better mood now. At least he wasn't mad anymore. That was good enough for him.

"I was thinking we could have a movie night. Like we used to do them at Heimerdinger's lab, remember? How does that sound?" He asked hopefully. "I would like that Jayce," he nodded, sitting up and looking over at him, realizing how close their bodies were, looking into his eyes and glancing down at his lips. Jayce's mind went slightly fuzzy at the sound of Viktor saying his name, also noticing the lack of distance between them. He'd looked at Viktor's lips before, of course, he had- but it almost felt like he was seeing them in a different light today. Maybe they just looked more kissable than usual? God, what a strange and dangerous way of thinking. "So, movie night it is." The golden boy said, smiling at Viktor. He was so incredibly close, that he almost wanted to move in closer…Viktor snapped out of his trance and grabbed his cane as he stood up. "We will not watch those cheesy rommy commys or whatever that is called-" his accent was thick, "They always make you cry, it irks me." Jayce stood up after Viktor, smiling slightly at the mention of his rommy commy's. It was true, Jayce would always cry. It wasn't his fault that they were so adorable. "Hey! So what if the movies make me cry? Some of them are good!" He protested. "What are you suggesting we watch then? Those trashy action films with over-the-top fight scenes?" Jayce jabbed with a chuckle. "Marvel is a masterpiece" Viktor smiled slightly as he jabbed. "But I do not care. We can watch your ah-..stupid girly movies, so long as you stay." Viktor stated his voice trailing off as he sadly looked up at him, his brows furrowed softly. Jayce smiled, seeing the look in Viktor's eyes. Did that mean… Did that mean Viktor missed him? The thought warmed Jayce's heart. It was true, they hadn't really seen each other much since Jayce became a counselor. He couldn't deny he missed Viktor too. "I can definitely stay. I'm not going anywhere." He said softly, trying to reassure Viktor he was there for him. God, if only he could kiss the damn man…"Okay now do not flatter yourself," Viktor said, glancing at his lips again before turning to walk away. "I have gotten used to the quiet of the lab in your absence!" he joked as he walked to the desk to grab the keys. Jayce rolled his eyes, laughing. He knew Viktor well enough to know that was bullshit. Viktor loved his company as much as he loved Viktor's. They were friends, good friends. "Uh huh… keep telling yourself that." He teased, heading over to grab his jacket before following Viktor.

As they walked out of the lab, Viktor noticed how naturally confident Jayce was. The way he held himself, he was so perfect. Stop. He couldn't let these emotions ruin this night. But the way Jayce stood so close, he could feel the heat of his arm begging to meet him. The noise of the elevator whirring wasn’t enough to fill in the still air between them, Viktor spoke up. "There's a rumor you and Counselor Medarda have been courting…" Viktor said with almost a twinge of sadness. Jayce hummed, raising an eyebrow. A rumor? About him and Mel? It wasn't the first time the topic had come up. People thought they were dating, because of that god damned night he spent with her. It was irritating. He didn't like Mel, and he certainly didn't want to date her. "Well, whoever started that rumor needs their head checked" He said bluntly. He was too busy with work and his little crush on Viktor to worry about dating. Viktor was taken aback, Mel was a very gorgeous woman. Part of him was happy… "Oh I'm sorry, she rejected you?" Viktor said jokingly, using the opening of the elevator to escape eye contact, as he unlocked the lab and walked in. Jayce scoffed, glaring at Viktor as he stepped into the lab. "She didn't reject me, cause I never asked." He stated bluntly.

He closed the workshop door, sighing and dropping his coat. "You're such a dork Vik. Do you really think I'd have feelings for her? I mean, c'mon…" he teased. He'd always make fun of Viktor, that's just how their relationship was. Viktor held a surprised face, "She is very a beautiful..," he assumed "…and powerful woman, sounds like just your type? No?" Viktor jabbed, trying to be lighthearted, as he grabbed a few movies from the shelf. Jayce's eyes widened at that jab, his throat clenching. Viktor thought he liked pretty girls, huh? Oh, that's just fantastic. Now he really felt horrible. He laughed awkwardly, trying to cover that up. "Ah, I dunno… not really my type. I prefer someone more, uh, sarcastic and quiet, y'know?" He said, hoping Viktor took the hint. At least, it seemed like a hint, right? "Oh, nice…" Viktor dismissed, thinking Jayce probably liked another girl with those attributes. He grabbed a few rom-com films to make Jayce happy along with the many action and horror he grabbed for himself. Jayce smiled, moving toward Viktor as he selected his movies. It was a shame. He had hoped Viktor would understand that Jayce was talking about him, but it seemed he didn't. What was he supposed to say? 'Hey Viktor, I'm talking about you, not some random girl I've made up in my head.’ Not so much.

"Alright then. Let's get this show on the road, aye?" He said, goofily offering his hand to the man. He wanted to hold Viktor's hand, damn it. Viktor, not realizing what he meant, placed the stack of movies in Jayce’s large palm. "You really have no woman to show for all your hard work as Mr.Councillor?" Viktor joked, his heart heavy as he messes with the TV. Jayce laughed, though deep down it stung. He wanted a relationship with Viktor, the one person he truly cared about, but he could never get over how close they were. He loved Viktor too much to risk ruining things with a confession. "Nope! I'm all alone. Now come’on, I can't watch these romance movies without you nagging." He joked, shifting his weight as he watched Viktor mess with the TV. Viktor laughed, perking up at the thought that Jayce wasn't dating anyone. "Who said we were watching romance movie?" He said, standing again as ‘The Conjuring’ theme song with a 'please don't kill me' chuckle. Jayce groaned, rolling his eyes. Typical Viktor. Always pulling stuff like this.

He gave Viktor a gentle shove, "Hey, maybe I wanted to watch one of those sappy romance movies for once! I wouldn't expect you to understand though, you don't know anything about that." He said, though his tone held no malice. Just teasing. Only wishing. "I can be romance!" Viktor gasped his accent thick. Jayce chuckled softly. God Viktor was cute. "Oh, can you now?" He asked, raising an eyebrow and grinning. He stepped a little closer to Viktor, wanting to stand a little closer. Dear god, he wanted to stand so close he was almost against the man. "I'd like to see how romantic you can be, then." He teased, daring the man to prove him wrong. Viktor stared up at Jayce, reaching up with his free arm and wrapping it slowly around Jayce's throat with his hand, squeezing slightly, and pulling him down by his neck. "Actually… you know romance comes after…" he said in his usual slightly husky voice, fucking around with Jayce- but enjoying it for himself. Jayce's eyes widened, his face flushing slightly. Viktor's grip around his neck felt so good. It was so…dominating? He wanted more. God, why did he ever have to fall in love with the man? "O-oh yeah?" He asked, his tone slightly stuttered from surprise. It was hard to think straight, but he didn't know why. They were close, so close he could see Viktor's face flushed just slightly, and he could feel his breath on his lips. Viktor's low gravely laugh echoed as he dropped Jayce's neck.

He plopped down on the couch, he got comfortable on the couch making room for the other man to sit too. Shifting his cane to the side, propping it up on the arm of the couch on his side. They were close, their bodies almost touching. Jayce swallowed thickly, hoping Viktor wouldn't notice his nerves. sat back, watching the intro to the horror movie. Jayce swallowed thickly, missing the feeling of Viktor's hand on his neck. He was distraught. He sighed softly, looking at the movie. Maybe he'd imagined it all? Viktor was acting as if nothing had just happened. There was no way Viktor actually thought of him like that. He was just being silly. He turned back to watch the film. Viktor crossed his arms and sat comfortably, manspreading. Jayce glanced over at Viktor, at how comfortable he looked. He couldn't help but steal a few glances at his lap, staring at how he sat. It looked really, very attractive and inviting. But he couldn't do anything about it. He just laid his head against the couch cushion right next to Viktor’s shoulder, moving closer to the man. Not too close. His throat clenched again, wondering what was wrong with himself. Why couldn't he just be honest. It made him want to die, he hated keeping things from him. Baby Steps.

"Hey, Viktor? Can I tell you something?" Jayce said quietly. "Of course?," Viktor replied, shifting to look at him. Jayce took a deep breath, bracing himself for Viktor's reaction. He prayed to whatever gods were out there that Viktor would be able to look past it. "I… I'm not straight…" he whispered, avoiding Viktor's gaze. He was nervous. "Oh," Viktor mentally one legged backflipping. "Thank you for trusting me, Jayce." Viktor said. Jayce blinked, looking at Viktor with surprise. He… wasn't upset? "I- are you sure you're okay with it?" He asked, his voice cracking slightly. He was going to cry. Relief washed over him, and God it made his stomach feel hot again. He looked up at Viktor with an honest smile, everything was going to be okay. His face was flushed slightly from embarrassment, his eyes were glassy. He looked perfect to Viktor. He studied Jayce's face, every line and curve. "Hey, can I ask you something?" Jayce asked, noticing the attention Viktor was paying to his face. If he dared tease him for this, he'd regret it. "What is it?" Viktor asked in his usual tone, tilting his head slightly. Jayce took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to ask. "Could you-? Um, like you did earlier?" He asked, his tone slightly shaky. Oh, god, what the fuck kind of question is that? What if he didn't want to be friends anymore? Stupidly, he went on- "It was nice, y’know? I liked… I liked it. I don't know why, and I understand if you don't want to, but please could you maybe hold me like that again…?" Viktor's brows furrowed, trying to not lose his mind. The way he looked right now, slumped down on the couch- his hands fiddled in his lap- looking up at him. God. It's like he knew. Jayce’s brows met together pathetically, his stomach sinking at Viktor's expression. So, Viktor thought he was weird… Damn it. "You know what, never mind. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry for asking…" he said, avoiding Viktor's gaze. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear, feeling foolish and dumb. What was even more stupid? He hadn't lied. He did like the feeling of Viktor gripping his neck.

Viktor reached his hand back out and rested his hand on Jayce's collarbones, caressing the skin, Jayce gasped at the feeling of Viktor's hand on him. His breath picked up as Viktor’s hand trailed up to cup his throat, making eye contact with each other. Viktor’s hand constricted quickly, making the other man’s breath hitch. It was so different this time, however. It was harsher, more… dominant. It made his stomach feel hot. God, it was so good. It made him want to lean into the touch and beg Viktor to keep his hand there. He was pathetic. “And you like this?" Viktor questioned suspiciously in a low voice, tilting his head as his face, eyes bored into Jayce’s. The other man shivered slightly as he heard Viktor's tone. It was teasing, he knew that, but it made his brain all fuzzy. He nodded slightly, smiling a little. "Yes, Vik- I..Yes." He admitted, trying to keep his voice even. It was hard, having Viktor so close, touching him like this. Viktor forced his eyes to meet his, his grip growing tighter. Jayce whimpered as Viktor tightened his grip, his breathing picking up slightly. His mind was blank, his stomach hot. The only thing he could focus on was Viktor's hand on his neck. He tried to speak, but all that came out was another whimper as Viktor squeezed his neck slightly. Viktor smiled in an almost loving way, loosening his hand and letting it rest on his neck. Jayce breathed a small sigh of relief, though he wanted the strong and dominating hand to return. He was totally getting off on being manhandled and dominated by Viktor. His breath coming out in small pants he asked, “Why’d you agree to do it?” His voice was scratchy and breathy. Viktor hummed as he shifted his body, his left arm bent at the elbow now pressed on the back of the couch, now slightly over Jayce. “I am no Hypocrite, Councilor." Viktor said with a small smirk, revealing his (NOT HIDDEN) identity.

Jayce laughed softly at the name, relieved. He hadn't ruined anything, and Viktor still wanted to be friends. He leaned against Viktor, resting his head on the man's shoulder. He'd never felt more relieved in his entire life. He could just pretend to forget about anything else. Pretend he didn't have a dumb, unrequited crush on Viktor. Pretend it was all fine and normal. “Wait what?” Jayce said, sitting up and facing him. “What do you mean hypocritical?” He asked, confused. Viktor chuckled softly, “Tell me Jayce do you remember the day we met? What did I say to Mel when she caught us sneaking into Himerdinger’s lab?…” He said, trying to jog Jayce’s memory. Jayce’s face lit up with realization, “Y-You’re-?” He stammered. “Yes, Jayce.” He nodded with a small smile. “I am surprised you did not know, I have been out for many years openly.” Viktor said with a shrug. “Wh-Wha…” Jayce’s brain had broke, he couldn’t believe he didn’t know sooner. “I guess we both learned something new about each-other today.” Viktor said through a rare grin. “Yeah” Jayce sighed.

“Viktor?” He said getting his partners attention, even though he never lost it.

“Jayce?” Viktors tone was heavy, like he was asking for something impossible.

Jayce, his breath still slightly uneven, leaned up off the couch and pressed a kiss onto Viktor’s lips with a small whine. He had wanted to do that for so long, always lacking the confidence. But the way that Viktor looked at him, the way he said his name made him float. Viktor immediately kissed back, his hand returning to Jayce’s neck. Jayce gasped softly at the feeling. It felt so good to have the man hold him again. He almost moaned, his brain going fuzzy again. "Oh God, Viktor…" he breathed, pulling away for air, his eyes half-lidded. He felt so pathetic, but so good at the same time. "Why are you letting me do this?" he asked, curiously looking into Jayce's eyes. Jayce gasped again as Viktor squeezed slightly, tilting his head up to look at the man. He was so distracted by the man, he didn't even hear the question. "God, don't ever let go…" he breathed, his head beginning to spin as he tried to think. Why did he like this so much? Viktor's hand tightened again, causing Jayce to whimper, his brain going fuzzy again. Viktor let out an audible groan at Jayce's pathetic whimper. Jayce shivered as he heard Viktor make that noise. He wanted to hear more. He wanted to feel Viktor dominating him, wanted to feel Viktor's hand on him, pinning and squeezing, He felt pathetic. But it was all for Viktor. "God, Viktor… please…" he whimpered, a hint of neediness entering his voice. Viktor's eyes widened "Please…what Jayce" he said lowly "Please don't let go… don't pull away from me…" he begged, his tone becoming whinier, needier. His body shivered as he felt Viktor's thumb brush against the skin on his neck. Dear god, he wanted the man so bad that his body ached with it. He tilted his head up, exposing his neck some more. God, he felt stupid, needy, and pathetic. He let out a shaky breath, controlling Jayce’s breath with his large hand "Just me? Or is this you testing your waters?" Viktor questioned, wondering if Jayce was experimenting or if he actually liked him. He hoped for an answer that would please him. But of course he would be whatever Jayce needed, even if there were no requited feelings. Jayce shivered, his breath becoming uneven. He felt dizzy and foggy, but it was just so good. And it felt even better knowing that Viktor was causing it.

He wasn't just experimenting, and Viktor needed to know that. "Just you, Viktor…" he whimpered, looking up into the man's eyes. "No experimenting. Just you. I love you, Viktor. It's always been you, no one else. It's been you for years." He confessed, his tone desperate. Viktor crashed his lips onto Jayce’s letting him breathe- loosening his hand around his neck and bringing it up to his jaw. Jayce gasped into the kiss, a small whimper passing his lips again. He tilted his head up, deepening the kiss with Viktor. His eyes shut as he felt the man's hand on his jaw, the one not on his neck. He wrapped his arms around Viktor pulling the man closer against him. "I have loved you for so long Jayce," he said in a possessive tone. A shiver ran up Jayce's spine as he heard Viktor's tone. It sounded so hot. Like he owned Jayce. And oh dear god, did he ever want that. He moaned softly into the kiss, leaning his head into Viktor's hand. "Please-" he whimpered, desperate and needy. Without a second thought, Viktor crawled on top of Jayce, kissing him while he did so, balancing on one of his knees and letting his bad leg rest off to the side. Jayce whimpered as Viktor climbed on top of him, spreading his legs to allow the man to get a comfortable position. He wrapped his arms around Viktor, holding him close as he kissed back. He knew he was needy and desperate, but he couldn't help it. He needed Viktor, needed him in a way he'd never needed anything or anyone in his life. Viktor grabbed his thighs and spread them open, making room for himself as he loomed over Jayce. Jayce moaned as he felt Viktor spread his legs, tilting his head up and looking into the man's eyes.

He wanted Viktor so badly, needed him like he needed air. "V-Viktor… please…" he begged, desperate and eager to just be owned by the man above him. Viktor returned his hand to his throat and slammed his torso back down on the couch. Jayce whimpered as he was slammed into the couch, shivering as his mind went blank. This was all he wanted, to be dominated by Viktor like this. He needed the man to take charge, needed to be his. "Please…" he breathed out, his eyes unfocused as he looked up at Viktor's face. "What do you need?" Viktor asked in a dominant tone, lifting Jayce's hips to him and unbuttoning his shirt slowly. The whimper that passed his lips was loud and needy, his hands grasping onto Viktor's shirt, tugging slightly as a sort of silent plea. "I need you, Viktor… I need you so bad. Need you to take control." He breathed, arching up into the man's touch. "Want me in control?" Viktor smirked. Jayce moaned, his body shivering as Viktor's hand slowly worked, unbuttoning his shirt. He let his head fall back against the couch, tilting up so that he could stare up. At Viktor's face. 'Y-yes…" he breathed out, leaning up and kissing Viktor softly. "I want to be yours. I just want to be yours, I only need you. No one else." Viktor was very taken aback by Jayces words, he licked up his happy tail up to his navel with a hot breath. "Mine huh?" I asked in a dark, possessive voice. Jayce moaned as Viktor kissed across his chest and stomach, his head tilting back a little. "Yes…" he breathed, "Please-" He whimpered, his eyes darkening as he stared at Viktor. He was so good at this; so dominant and in charge. He loved it, loved being dominated by the man. God, he was pathetic. And needy, at that. Viktor bites down on his chest hard, leaving an obvious mark. Jayce gasped sharply at the feeling of Viktor biting down on his chest, his body arching up into the man's mouth. God, it felt good. He wanted Viktor to mark him everywhere until he wore the man's mark on his skin. He was completely at the man's mercy. He might have gotten carried away, but a couple of minutes later he sat back to admire his work, and there with bruises and bite marks everywhere, most were definitely visible for anyone to see. Jayce's face was red, flushed from embarrassment as Viktor sat back to admire his work. He whined as he saw the visible hickeys across his skin, looking away. He wanted to hide, but it also felt good to be marked so he belonged to someone.

"Does… does it look good on me?" He asked in a soft tone, avoiding Viktor's gaze. Viktor's eyes wandered "You look so good baby…" his voice harsh and deep "So mine" Jayce shivered at Viktor's tone, his body shaking. He felt so needy and desperate, the words just making his stomach hot. God, he wanted Viktor to call him his again. "Yours…" he breathed, his tone soft.He wanted to be Viktor’s so badly, needed to belong to the man. Everything he ever wanted was right in front of him. Viktor sat back on the couch, returning to his manspreading. Jayce sat up to look at Viktor, his eyes wide. He watched as the man sat back, his gaze still fixed on him. He looked over to the man, looking up at him with big, needy eyes. "On your knees," Viktor ordered, pointing to the ground at his feet. Jayce's body shivered at the command. Yes, he was going to do anything Viktor said. He dropped to the floor, settling between Viktors legs, his cheek leaning against the man's knee. "So good." With Viktor tangling in the man's hair and pulling Jayce's hair lightly, Jayce whimpered as he heard Viktor call him his "good" again. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, nuzzling against Viktor's thigh. Viktor caressed his face softly with his other hand, then pulled it back and laid a firm but not hard hit on his warm cheek. Jayce gasped as he felt the firm hit against his cheek, his stomach hot. It completely surprised him, it wasnt hard- fuck he barely felt anything… but it was amazing. Dear God, he could take that hit again and again if Viktor wanted. "More…" he breathed out, looking up at Viktor's face for his next command. "Slut." Viktor said, placing another firm hand on his other cheek, immediately smoothing it over lovingly. Jayce moaned as he felt the hand against his other cheek, his face going redder as he heard Viktor call him that. He felt his heart racing as more blood rushed to his cheeks. "Yes… yes, I… am…" he shivered, leaning his head into Viktor's hand, nuzzling his cheek again, absolutely gone at this point. "And whose are you?". Viktor asked, rubbing his face and tugging his hair with a firm yet gentle hand. "Y-yours… oh god, I'm… I'm yours. I belong to you, I belong to you completely." He whimpered, leaning into the man's touch. With a final slap, Viktor coiled down on him- "Good boy." Viktor breathed hardly, obviously enjoying himself. Jayce shivered, his head going completely blurry. There it was. He was Viktor's good boy. And oh god, that feeling was everything to him. He wanted to hear it over and over again. His body felt hot all over, his heart beating faster than it had before. His eyes had shut at some point, he hadn't noticed. All he cared about right now was Viktor's voice and the way he was touching him.

Viktor's hands left Jayce's face for a moment, unbuttoning his pants and pulling out his dick as he slipped his hand back into Jayce's hair. Jayce looked up as he watched Viktor unbutton his pants, his face flushing. He had never been with a man before, but he was ready for him. Viktor's hand in his hair made Jayce whimper and lean into his touch. He needed to feel Viktor. And he wanted to do whatever the man asked. "Suck," he commanded, "be my good boy…yeah?" Viktor said in a grunt, loving the way Jayce whimpered again, his breathing becoming uneven as he nodded, eager to obey. Viktor smiled at his determination. Jayce shivered, feeling like he could fall into a trance by being praised. "You can do it baby," Viktor encouraged, letting his hand fall from his hair and caressing Jayce's face as he guided him to please him.Jayce moaned as he was guided, his head still a bit fuzzy and not at all focused. "Stick out your tongue," he asked, in a low groan. Jayce obediently stuck out his tongue, looking up at Viktor for further instructions. God, he wanted to be good. His heart was racing. Viktor guided himself into Jayce's mouth, not all of it but some. he moaned lowly at the feeling of Jayce’s hot mouth around him. The way his pretty lips twitched. He caressed Jayce's cheek slowly "So perfect." Jayce shivered at the man's touch, his face flushing as he heard the compliment. He moaned, looking at Viktor with big, needy eyes. He wanted to please him so badly. His whole body was hot, his heart racing. He felt like he could explode from all the praise. "I told you to stay still, baby…" Viktor ordered softly, his voice low and rough. He ran his thumb across Jayce's cheek, caressing it slowly. Jayce was going to be still and keep his mouth open for Viktor to use, as requested. "Good boy" Viktor whispered as he started to guide himself in and out as he pleased, not hurting Jayce he went very slow. Jayce's body shivered as he was given another compliment. He could live off praise. He kept his mouth steady as his eyes focused on the other man's face, Viktors expression making Jayce moan. His face was scrunched slightly, grunting with each thrust. Jayce moaned and started to pick up the movement on his own, beginning to love it. Viktor moaned as Jayce picked up the pace, his hand gripping at Jayce’s scalpe. “Yeah- Jayce.. So good.” with that Jayce whined around him, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as their gaze met. Jayce’s glasses over golden eyes staring up at him as he bobbed up and down on Viktors length. With a groan, Viktor pulled him off of himself by his hair. Jayce gasped as he was taken off of Viktor's length, staring up at the man with pleading eyes.

"Oh, you're so perfect." Viktor said, pulling Jayce closer to him into a sweet kiss. Jayce melted when he felt the touch of Viktor's lips on his neck. He had never felt that before. But he wanted more of it, needed more of it all around his body. His hands desperately grabbed onto any part of Viktor he could reach as they kissed. His thighs, his chest, he finally settled on his shoulders. "Do you know how long I've waited for this " Viktor sighed into his neck, beginning to unbutton his own shirt, as he looked down at Jayce, still on his knees. Jayce shivered as he felt Viktor's hands on his button-up shirt, working it open. "No…" he breathed, "How long?" He stammered, staring at Viktor's newly exposed skin, every freckle, every mole.. "Years." Viktor stated, "Every day I picture you on your knees, in front of me," He said pulling his shirt off of his shoulders. Jayce's breathing became uneven as Viktor undressed in front of him, his heart racing. He wanted to hear more, needed to hear more. He was obsessed with listening to Viktor's deep voice, being entranced by it and everything it said. "M-more" he begged, "Please, tell me more… I need more…" He breathed as his fingers dug into the couch cushions. "Every time you would touch my shoulder or hand…I wanted to bend you over a fucking desk." Viktor said in a growl, leaning down and biting down on Jayce's bare shoulder. Jayce shivered at the bite, his head rolling back as he submitted to Viktor completely. "M-more…" he breathed, his body quivering as he leaned against the man. His whole body was hot as he was held tight in Viktor's grip, his mind going fuzzy with pleasure. "Every time there was a rumor of you and some woman I would get so angry…" he admitted "I wanted you for myself…only for me," he said leaving a trail of marks along his neck. Jayce shivered again. He didn't realize how possessive Viktor was over him, how he wanted to be the only one Jayce would be with. He found it so hot, being desired. Jayce shivered again. He didn't realize how possessive Viktor was over him, how he wanted to be the only one Jayce would be with. He found it so hot, being desired and wanted so badly. He wanted to hear more.

"And Jayce…?” he said, dropping the act for a little bit. "I want you to be mine, not just like this," he said, holding Jayce's face in his hands tenderly. Jayce's face turned scarlet at Viktor's words, his body shaking. There it was, the thing he wanted the most. To be Viktors, to belong to the man completely. But he couldn't find the words to say it, he could only sit there in awe as his cheeks burned red in a blush. The fact that he was already blushing so easily was a testament to just how much he wanted to be with Viktor. Thinking he didn't understand Viktor went on, "I know I don't have much to offer you as a boyfriend, but I want to be with you." Jayce gasped. "Yes…" he said, barely above a whisper, "Yes, I want… I want to be with you, Viktor. I want to be yours." He couldn't believe this was happening. He was in Viktor's arms, his shirt open and his body marked by the man. It was a dream come true. Viktor smiled as he pulled Jayce into his lap, now straddling Viktor. Jayce wrapped his arms around the man's neck. He couldn't help but lean into Viktor's touch. Every part of him wanted to feel the man, to be held by him and have his attention. "I love you Jayce," Viktor said into Jayce's ear, holding him close. Jayce's whole world stopped. He let out the longest, most relieved sigh as he hugged Viktor tighter. His eyes closed as he buried his face into the crook of the man's neck. He had always known he liked Viktor, but now? Now he knew he was falling in love with him, had fallen completely and utterly in love with the man. "I love you, Viktor…" he whispered, his voice soft and sweet. He pulled back only to kiss him slowly, unlike the other kisses they shared. Jayce melted as he felt Viktor's lips against his own, his whole body feeling like it was on fire in the best way possible. He was drowning in Viktor's affection, his whole body shivering as he kissed back slowly and gently, needing more of that soft touch. Viktor groaned sweetly into the kiss, his hands running up and down Jayce's broad back. Jayce gasped, a shiver running down his spine, his back arching at the touch. He loved feeling Viktor caress and hold him, loved the feeling of being in his arms and being the center of Viktor's focus. His whole body felt feverish, his heart racing as he drank in every moment of Viktor's affection.

"We should get out of here before we get caught," Viktor said, looking down at their half-naked bodies. Jayce nodded, "Yes…" he said, his body still hot and needy for more kisses from Viktor. He didn't want to leave, wanted to stay in the man's arms forever. But, he had to admit that getting out of there and going somewhere more private would be a better idea. Viktor rotated them so Jayce was laid back on the couch, kissing down his abdomen before grabbing his shirt and pulling it on. Jayce had to stifle a moan as he felt Viktor's lips against his abdomen. He wanted more, wanted to feel every part of him touching his skin. He shivered, goosebumps rising as Viktor pulled his pants back on, wanting so badly for even a little more attention from the man. Viktor helped Jayce get dressed and kissed his bare skin while he buttoned up his shirt. Such a small gesture, but it meant everything to Jayce. He shivered, his stomach burning hot with desire. He was so desperate for Viktor, needed him so much. His whole body felt hot, feverish, at every touch. He wanted to be held by the man until the day he died, always feeling his embrace around him with kisses on his skin. "Your place is closer, do you want to just go there?" he asked, kissing him as he stood up, turning the TV off. Jayce nodded, still breathless. He stood up as well, leaning against the wall to balance himself. “Yes… my place… I want my bed, with you in it…” He smirked at the thought, wanting it badly. Viktor laughed lightly as he returned the DVDs to their rightful place. Jayce took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from getting too worked up at the thought of Viktor in his bed. He was so incredibly desperate for the man, needed him badly. His body was still burning hot, his entire form trembling as he felt the craving for more of Viktor's touch. Viktor grabbed the keys and Jayce's hand, "Then let us go." Jayce let himself be pulled along by Viktor, following him down the stairs of the library and out into the cool night air. His whole body felt like it was on fire, desperate for more touch from the man as he held his hand. His head was buzzing with his own arousal, his stomach churning as he thought about what would happen once they returned to his place.

When they arrived at Viktor pulled out Jayce's keys from his pocket, Viktor had been the only one out of them both who remembered. Jayce stared at the keys as Viktor unlocked his door. He watched every movement that he made, memorized every flick of his finger, every twist of the metal key. He needed more and wanted to feel Viktor's touch all over him. He moaned softly at the thought, his eyes not leaving the man. "What is wrong?" Viktor asked, his accent thick and his concern high. Jayce hesitated, looking away shyly. "I-… I just want you to touch me…" he whispered unabashedly, his cheeks flushing red. "I… I need it, need you…" his voice was soft and timid as if he was worried he was saying something he shouldn't. Viktor hid his surprise well "Go lay down, my love. I will grab us some water," he said pushing the door closed behind them. Jayce nodded, feeling a shiver travel down his spine at the pet name Viktor called him. He followed the man's instructions, laying in the bed and feeling his heart race. He was so desperate for more of Viktor's touch, craving it as he stared at the ceiling. Viktor walked to the kitchen and grabbed a glass, filling it with water. He wondered what state he would find Jayce in, nervous…excited… naked. Jayce shivered as he heard the sounds of Viktor moving around in the kitchen. He could feel his heart, racing as he imagined what the man was doing. He wanted desperately to see him, wanted to hear him say his name. He needed it, needing to feel like he was wanted and needed just as badly. "Viktor…" he breathed, his voice barely audible,"Please." Viktor's figure appeared at the door, "Jayce," he said lowly with a small smile. Jayce shivered at the sound, his body growing hotter as he heard Viktor say his name. He loved the way he said it, the way his mouth moved as he spoke it. He wanted to feel his lips again, wanted to feel them around him. He shivered at the thought, the arousal taking hold of him more and more. Viktor says beside him, handing him the water "Drink that" Jayce took the water slowly and drank it down, obeying Viktor's command. His whole body was shivering as he did so, desperate for the man's attention. The water that fell from Jayce's lips did something to him. He reached a handover and wiped his thumb across his lip, taking the glass from him and setting it down. Jayce shivered at Viktor's touch, needing more of it now. He reached out to the man, touching his arm, his skin burning hot. "Please…" he whispered, his voice filled with want, "I need you… Viktor, I need you…" He wanted the man, needed to be touched and taken care of.

"Please touch me… I need it so badly…" He said, shaking his head. "Touch you where" he teased further, their faces getting closer. He moaned softly at the thought, his heart racing. "H-here…" He touched Viktor's arm, then slid his hand down to the man's thigh, feeling the strong muscles beneath the fabric. He drew in a shaky breath. "M-more… I need more.” Please, Viktor…" He wanted to feel every inch of the man, needing to be held and caressed. Viktor squeezed Jayce's inner thigh harshly. Jayce gasped, his breath catching in his throat. He wanted more, needed more of that feeling, that squeeze. "V-Viktor… please… I need…" he gasped, his eyes closed and his breathing heavy. He pushed Jayce back onto the bed and began to take the man's pants off. Jayce shivered as he felt Viktor pull his pants off. He wanted more, wanted to feel the man's touch all over his naked skin. He didn't know how far he would let Viktor go, but he wanted everything the man had to offer, needed to be desired and wanted. "Please…" he said softly, "I need you, Viktor. I need you more than anything." Viktor leaned down and started marking his inner thighs. Jayce moaned softly, his breath hitching as he felt Viktor's lips against his inner thigh. He couldn't take it, couldn't handle how hot and needy he was. "V-Viktor…" he whispered, his voice heavy with arousal, "please… touch me more…" Viktor snaked his hand around and placed it right above where he knew Jayce wanted. Jayce shivered as he felt a hand on his stomach, a moan escaping from his lips at the simple touch. Then it moved, traveling lower and lower until it touched his skin. He gasped as he felt it, needing more, more of Viktor's touch on him. He was shaking, his heart racing as he craved the man's attention. "V-Viktor… more… please…"Viktor finally took hold of Jayce's length. His touch was gentle yet firm, it was obvious how much love he had for the man. Jayce gasped as he felt Viktor take hold of him. It was a feeling he had never experienced before, one that left him shaking and breathless. The whole world seemed to disappear around him as he felt it, his head spinning as all the blood in his body seemed to rush to that spot. "Nnnngh…" he whimpered, his body arching into the touch, desperate for more, "Viktor…",

Viktor sighed between his legs, moving his hand up and down. Jayce shivered, moaning and arching his back as he felt the sensation wash over him. He was losing every bit of control, needing every bit of touch that Viktor was giving, his breathing labored and his skin burning with heat. Fuck this was going to be embarrassingly fast,but jesus christ at this point he didnt care. He could feel himself getting closer, his legs shaking as the pressure began to build. "V-Viktor…" he gasped, "Please, I'm- I'm going to…" Viktor smirked as he sped his actions up, loving how fast he could make Jayce feel good. Jayce gasped and groaned as he fell over the edge, his whole body shaking as he felt his release. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before, a pleasure unlike anything he had ever felt. He panted heavily, his body shivering as he came down from the high, still feeling the aftershocks of the sensation. Viktor kissed up his body and finally met with his lips "You did so good for me, baby." Jayce looked up at Viktor, his eyes still hazy from his pleasure. "I-I did?" he asked, his voice trembling. He felt lightheaded and dizzy from the intense orgasm he had experienced. He had never felt any sensation like that, and to be praised for it only made him feel better about it. "Yes, my love. You're so perfect." he kissed him sweetly. Jayce melted into the gentle kiss, letting Viktor's words wash over him. He felt adored, loved, and needed by the man like he was the only thing that mattered in the world. He wanted more, wanted the man to keep praising him and calling him his.He hadn't even noticed Viktor cleaning him up.

"Rest now," he said, his warm accent wrapping Jayce’s senses in a blanket. Jayce nodded, his body feeling heavy as the man began to soothe him with soft, calming words. He felt safe, and secure in Viktor's embrace, like nothing could hurt him. He let the man's melodic tone and sweet words wash over him, slowly feeling his eyelids grow heavy. Viktor kissed his head and lay next to him, watching him sleep before drifting off himself. Jayce slept peacefully as Viktor lay beside him, his body feeling warm and secure in the man's presence. He dreamed of the future, of a life where they could be together, where they could love each other freely and without fear. It was a peaceful, happy dream, and he slept soundly, feeling the comforting weight of Viktor's arm around him. When Jayce opened his eyes Viktor was not there, but the warm smell of coffee flooded into the room.

Jayce sat up slowly, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the light. The scent of coffee was warm and comforting, and he felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips as he looked around. "Viktor?" he called, his voice still hoarse from sleep. Viktor stopped cooking and immediately walked into the room, bringing Jayce another glass of water. "Good morning love" Jayce smiled as Viktor entered the room, feeling his heart warm at the man's sweet gesture. "Good morning," he said, his voice still a little hoarse from sleep. He took the glass gratefully and drank it down, feeling refreshed. "What are you making?" he asked, wanting to know what the wonderful scent was. "You had no food." he stared, hating that Jayce didn't cook for himself "So I went to my house and grabbed food to make, eggs, bacon-" Jayce felt a twinge of embarrassment, realizing that Viktor was right and that he had been neglecting to cook for himself. “I’m sorry- I am always too busy, and I don't really know how to cook." Jayce said sheepishly. “You will learn.” Viktor smiled and stood up. “I think moths actually flew out of your cupboards when I opened them,” he joked. "Yeah, it's been a while since I've gone grocery shopping, or even opened my cupboards," he admitted. "I've been so busy with work and everything else that it just slipped my mind." He took a deep breath, realizing that he needed to start taking better care of himself. "I'll go grocery shopping later today," he promised. Jayce smiled back at Viktor, feeling a warmth in his chest at the man's gentle care. He got out of bed and followed him into the kitchen, his stomach growling with hunger as he smelled the food. He took the plate that Viktor offered him and sat down at the table, beginning to eat.

"This is so good Vik," he said, taking another bite. "You're an amazing cook." He said, smiling wide. "I don't know about amazing… maybe just normal" Viktor laughed sitting next to him. Jayce smiled and shook his head, taking another bite. He continued to eat, enjoying every bite of the food, feeling grateful to have Viktor in his life. Viktor sat back in his chair as he watched Jayce enjoy his food. Thinking about last night, and their future. Jayce ate in silence, feeling full and content as he enjoyed the delicious food that Viktor had made for him. Once he had finished, he looked over at the man, feeling a wave of gratitude and love for all that he had done for him. "Thank you," he said softly, "For everything. For being here for me, for taking care of me, for cooking for me." He reached over and squeezed Viktor's hand, smiling at him. "There isn't anything in the world I would rather be doing" Viktor smiled and held Jayce's hand. He smiled back, feeling a warmth in his chest at Viktor's words. He lifted the man's hand to his lips and kissed the back of it, feeling the warmth of his skin against his lips. "I love you," he said softly, his eyes meeting Viktor's. "More than anything in the world. I'm so glad we met." He held Viktor's hand tightly, never wanting to let go. Viktor looked into his eyes "I love you more, Jayce. You will never know how much you mean to me" he said seriously but lovingly. Jayce felt a lump form in his throat at Viktor's words, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. He leaned in towards the man, needing to be closer to him, to feel his touch and warmth and love. "I don't deserve you," he whispered, his eyes filled with love and admiration. "You're too good for me." He sighed. "That is not true." Viktor said, shaking his head."I am the one who is lucky to be with you." Jayce's heart felt like it was going to burst at Viktor's words, and he pulled the man even closer to him, needing to feel his touch and warmth. "I love you so much," he repeated, his voice filled with all the love and adoration he felt for the man. "You are my everything." He pulled Viktor's head down and kissed him softly, pouring all of his love and emotions into the tender gesture. Viktor hugged him closer, kissing him back softly, "I love you…… I love you I love you" he whispered over and over into his neck. Jayce held Viktor close, his heart swelling with love, each whisper of 'i love you' sending shivers down his spine. He never wanted this moment to end, wanted to spend every moment with Viktor, to love and be loved by him. He pulled the man even closer, needing to feel their bodies pressed against each other, his heart pounding as he held him in his arms. He held him close for multiple minutes just enjoying his warmth, then he spoke up.

"You should not tell people that you are my boyfriend, you are a counselor now, people will think badly of you." Viktor said in bad reflection on himself. Jayce looked at Viktor, his heart aching at the man's words. "I don't care what people think of me," he said firmly, "I love you, Viktor. I don't care if people think badly of me for dating a Zaunite, I only care about you and our relationship." He placed a gentle kiss on Viktor's forehead, wanting to soothe his worries. "I'm not going to hide us, Viktor."Jayce refused. “But you should, I do not want people to look down on you because of me.” Viktor pleaded, looking at him. Jayce sighed, feeling conflicted. Part of him wanted to shout from the rooftops how much he loved Viktor and how proud he was to be dating him, but another part of him was worried about the reaction his friends and colleagues might have. "I understand, Viktor," he said, at last, his voice softening. "I don't want you to be hurt or harmed because of me, and it's my responsibility as a counselor to protect you. We'll keep our relationship between us for now. "I think it is for the best." Viktor agreed.

Jayce nodded, feeling a twinge of disappointment at having to hide his relationship with Viktor. He wanted to show off his handsome boyfriend, to flaunt their love and happiness to the world. But he knew that Viktor was right, that it would be better for them both if their relationship remained a secret for now. "Okay," he sighed, "we'll keep our relationship a secret for now. But when we're alone, I want to be able to show you all the love and affection I have for you." "I like that plan," He said smiling. Jayce smiled back, feeling a flutter of excitement at the thought of having secret moments with Viktor, where they could be open and free with each other without fear of judgment or disapproval. They spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon just relaxing and spending time together, enjoying the comfort and familiarity of each other's presence.

_-_-_-_-_-_-

Thank U! Any comments and like would be super appreciated!!

[thecaptainsbunk]

had a moment last night i could very clearly feel the healed parts of my brain and it was weird.

recap for those who haven't read my mental breakdowns on here, or don't follow my main: i have many mental illnesses because i was neglected or otherwise treated badly for most of my life. One of the symptoms of these is the huge big depression rumination spiral that happens when any number of things that might go wrong does.

A lot of the things that trigger me are Normal Fucking Human Interactions. This probably has something to do with the Autism. This is neither here nor there.

Another thing that can trigger the depression spiral is sub-drop.

You're starting to see why this is here and not on my main now, yes?

Guess what happens when those two things collide?

yeah.

I'm gonna... figure out a patch for the sub-drop cause I am sort of still feeling it a little, and I'm not sure masturbating it away is going to help as much as I want it to lol. I mean don't get me wrong, that's absolutely something I'm doing later probably but i'm going to try not to use it as a mend for the actual problem I'm having because I could accidentally make it worse instead, I probably got super lucky the way it panned out last night.

Cause guess what happened last night.

Listen... I know what happens when I cum. I know. I'm the easiest slut and the subbiest sub this side of the Mississippi (i assume), I'm just, y'know, don't have a lot of takers on the offer as it were. But hey, I can get myself to sub-space just fine all by myself.

I just have to make sure there's a plan to catch myself and last night the plan... faltered a little. Mainly because I had not communicated this was necessary and also because of timing. It was late, everyone was tired, rough evenings had been had, it's been a long stretch of stressful shit, there's more stressful shit in the world to get taken care of, stuff's just happening.

So I wasn't expecting to have to do anything more than just the usual night time routine to catch myself from dropping and because the usual routine hit a small snag in the form of Sudden Intense RSD due to circumstances I am aware are not actually the issue, the drop happened shortly thereafter.

And I desperately tried to slide into the normal spiral. The spiral that takes me down into the worst parts of my psyche and tells me all the horrible things I believe are true, and that everyone hates me. Like I was actively aiming for the spiral at one point and I just could. Not. Get there.

My brain kept turning around and reminding me those things weren't fucking true and to say them was really mean about the people in my life actually.

DO you know how fucking weird that is? do you even understand how it feels to be cock-blocked from your own menty-b you control because your brain says that's too mean to everyone involved including myself?????

It's not perfect. Just because the spiral didn't happen doesn't mean the effects aren't still there. I did manage to get it up again, as it were, and take care of business, as it were to try and get the endorphins back running enough so I could just go straight to sleep and skip the possibility of a 2nd sub-drop (mr. president etc. etc.)

I've had a handle on my inability to have a good time post orgasm for a while now, at least that it's a Thing That's Specifically My Brainchemistry and not something people are doing to me - that's a separate type of traumatic sub-drop i've experienced, different entirely from what I usually go through for the Normal Style and masturbation levels of sub-drop. I know how to catch myself most times, and I can avoid it for the most part if I sleep immediately afterwards (assuming my dreams cooperate, if the stars are misaligned i'm fucked lmao).

And sometimes if I'm feeling especially self-hate-y I will entertain the sub-drop and subsequent extreme depression that can sometimes carry on for a couple days. Not dropping as much and also having generally a better life over all has reduced this urge for self-destruction by a lot but I was kind of feeling it last night.

except that I apparently wasn't.

I kept trying and trying and it just... my brain kept saying "no, that's not true. Reframe it. Look at it again. Remember that this is different now. Use the new rules" and turning me around, over and over again.

I reminded myself that i was stressed out - see aforementioned long-term stressors that aren't going away as quickly as we want for the whole family, my usual mental health struggles, the upcoming election, learning my sister's going to have a baby, I am currently extremely conflicted and so of course my brain is going to latch onto the negative things.

It's just never had so few negatives to latch onto and then use Actual Logic And Reasoning to talk itself out of.

And I think the main reason this has never worked before, aside from all the hard fucking work I've been doing to fix my goddamn brain and make it happier over all, is because i'm not being gaslit by anyone here. No one is trying to change the way I'm seeing the world, no one is trying to tell me my perceptions are wrong (well- I need to figure out a way to communicate my needs on that one, but like, it's a non-issue because it's not intentional, it's not manipulative, it's desperately trying to get me to be nice to myself and sometimes I just cannot but like. I get it. I'll figure it out).

My world is more stable just by virtue of being surrounded by people who aren't actively trying to make me see the world only specifically their way and no other ways. There's still stuff that like. yeah I wish some stuff worked differently than the way it does in my life, and the whole disabilities thing is...crushing most days more than it isn't. but like... at least i know the way that the world is is real, and not like... whatever i'm being fed. I think i could tell that the thigns I was being told and the stuff I was seeing didn't match up, and I think it really affected me a lot more than I realize sometimes.

Plus side, I have now identified two important things I need to work on: plans for post-nut-drop and being open outside of the breakdown on why flat pushback on my negative world view and self-esteem during breakdowns is not actually helpful despite the best intentions, and may be actually making shit worse in the moment that I can't effectively communicate *during* the breakdown. So there's that.

And, y'know, hey the healing is working. It's super unsatisfying to not go all the way down the spiral the way I'm used to because this is the only other way I know how to get through the drop is to just ride it out, which is what is currently happening right now. I'm just....gonna have to figure out how to use my words. And maybe pick a better time than today for the hard conversations.

[lungfishpoem]

Ultimate shitty oc ramble PART TWO!!!! Ian time. Writing this on my computer because my phone is charging and I don't want it to explode.

TW: animal death(/cruelty?), murder, mentions of bullying/neglect, attempted cannibalism, abuse and manipulation (not from Ian's part, he's the one being manipulated and abused), gore and body horror ish

PS: he's heavily based off me (like Pierre and Evan are), but exaggerated. I'm sorry if this whole thing turns out ableist. :(

Okay Ian is.. complicated. He's a time bomb. He's constantly shaking and stuttering and whatever. He's STUPIDLY naive and loyal. He'd literally kill for you if you're niceys to him. He's also gross and sees himself as such. Self esteem and self worth? On the fucking GROUND. But why is he like that? I'm not sure. My guess ("tf you mean 'your guess'? you CREATED HIM!!" huhhh I made him for roleplaying. I improvised my way with all of these characters from this trio. I genuinely don't know, man) is bullying, neglect from peers and overall being harassed by people. His parents also are like... not present at all so take that as you will.

Ian has actually a backstory of sorts, differently from Evan and Pierre, he has actual events happening instead of vague ideas. When he was 16 to 17 (Ian is 28 now, jsyk) he fell in love with a boy from his highschool. The boy was one of the only people who would treat him with some sort of decency (besides Ian's inability to communicate properly with others and overall creepy-ish behavior due to said inability) and Ian has no standards whatsoever so he just saw him as his prince or something. So he decided to make him a gift :D. Remember when I mentioned Ian is a bit creepy? Well yeah he has a deep fascination for the grotesque, which led him to become fascinated with animal biology, and a big fan of hummingbirds. He fucking killed a hummingbird and took off its heart (which he describes as "so small and fragile and yet so powerful" and many other things), took care of it and fucking put it in a necklace. He thought it was the perfect, most well thought gift ever. THE BOY HATED IT. Ian was obsessed with telling him the details of the operation and process of making the necklace and how special it was. The boy stopped talking to him and (woah) Ian's isolation became worse. Until he got filled with so much hate and disgust for the boy who supposedly, in a way, betrayed him, that he acts on complete impulse and murders him. He tries to take the opportunity to explore human anatomy and "have his love forever with him" (eat his heart), but he failed miserably not only because 1. Humans were way more difficult for him to disassemble than birds and 2. The cops were called. I did no research on this so just pretend it makes sense: he got ruled as mentally ill and got hospitalized for some good, good years of his life.

But time eventually passes and he is allowed to leave to try to live a normal life. And he's excited for that! He sees his teenage years actions as impulsive and stupid. He keeps the necklace with him as a heavy burden he can't get rid of. Y'know, he fucking wanted to be better. Also the hospital made his stuttering and social abilities worse take that as you will lol (psychiatric stuff sucks and he was heavily mistreated).

With a lot of effort, at around 28 years old he is able to enter college :) ! He decided to study biology! Something he loved!

And then he met Evan.

Evan is fascinated by him. He is the one person to approach Ian ("you reminded me of someone I miss dearly" he said to Ian once, you can guess who that someone is lollll). I'm trying to keep this as much as in Ian's pov as POSSIBLE so I can leave the rest for Evan's post. But Ian eventually tells Evan about his past, obsessed with how kind, emotionally controlled and polite and clean and beautiful Evan is. Evan asks Ian to see the necklace, fascinated. He tells Ian about how beautiful his interests were, about how intriguing his whole story was. Ian is mesmerized by Evan, and does whatever he tells him to do with his soft and comforting voice, complimenting him, trying to tell him he was right. That he was correct in killing someone who didn't TRULY understand.

Evan shows him his work. He makes a promise with Ian that he would never tell anyone about it. The dismembered corpses, the stitches, the bloating disgusting disfigured figures that tried to create something dead that was more than the work of God itself. Evan's art.

Evan makes Ian do the dirty work for him. And Ian lets him manipulate him into doing that. He tells Ian to steal corpses from hospitals and specific locations, and to not let anyone figure out. And if they did, tell them that it was his fault, Ian's fault, forever and ever Ian's fault.

He gets caught by someone. And Evan tells him to kill that person. Which goes wrong, and Ian is caught again.

Ian remains forever loyal to Evan and doesn't tell anyone about how Evan is involved in this. It's all his fault. He was stealing the corpses to eat them, to do whatever with them. These are lies, Evan never let Ian lay a single finger on the corpses, and Ian had no intention in doing so. But due to his history, Ian is believed to be just a madman and gets all the blame. He is a naive, loyal idiot. Evan never visits him or sends him letters.

Also, he meets a very very special someone in the place he gets hospitalized at... Pierre! Evan's brother! "What do you even mean Evan had a brother?", he thinks. He gets in a relationship with Pierre, who is OBSESSED with proving himself to be better than his brother. In the end, he ends up being a huge asshole too <3 I mentioned their relationship in Pierre's post, but didn't go in much detail. The reason for that is because uh there isn't much detail yet. Ian sees Evan in Pierre and Pierre sees Ian as a form of proving himself better than his brother, that's it, they're horrible for each other. That's kinda of it for now.

Yeah that's all I have about Ian I guess. Also he is pathetic and really easily seduced, even by literal insults if you insult him in the correct way.

That's it? Woah this ended up huge.

[deadmanmoth125]

I think one of the worst things about being schizotypal is that...you constantly doubt everything and I mean EVERYTHING, for example my mom for a long time was extremely emotionally and mentally manipulative towards me along with small forms of neglect (medically, emotionally but never physically) and even though my therapist has even said YES YOUR MOM DID THIS ITS TRUE I just can't fully believe it like what if it was just my delusions messing with me, what if it was all false memories, and worst of all that maybe I was just not seeing the truth and that truly makes me question everything. I hate being this way and I feel so isolated because of it.

I can always tell in some way after being reality checked that some things may not be what it seems, but there is that one side of me that I can't really tell you with 100% certainty that "yeah this real" or "yeah this thing is just in my head" and as I continue to grow up the worst this becomes and its terrifying. Tbh I wouldn't wish even my worst enemies to have schizotypal because this disorder blurs the line so much and make you question you existence every second of the day.

I feel like I can't even hold my job anymore because my disorder messes with me to the point I can't be just a normal customer service person without having bad moments and what's worse is the place I work at doesn't even care truly about how much this has taken a toll on me I've tried changing positions several times and have been rejected both times with pathetic excuses of how "I just need to push myself more" but I can't anymore I want to quit but no other job pays well that doesn't include having some type of college degree and that sucks. The worst part is the fact that the place I work at claims so much that "oh we are SUPER INCLUSIVE but only mentions at most about autism when talking about mental health, which is great, but also sucks cuz they forget about the biggest group of people that have stigmatized disorders that are jobless because their disorder makes daily life impossible (this also includes that Don't give a crap about people who are not as they put it 'abled' aka physically disabled people with invisible illnesses)

In conclusion I hate how life, no society, treats people like me and you just because we aren't perfect little molds of model society. this shouldn't mean we don't deserve basic rights and a chance to live as functionally as possible, I hate knowing that a statistic hangs over my head that I am supposedly destined for failure, when it shouldn't. we are human just as much as neurotypicals, we deserve to be treated as such rather than be seen as freaks or Monsters

I feel much better letting this out for it has been boiling I my mind for far to long so thank you for reading this sorry if it isn't perfect grammar wise, but I needed to get this off my chest so once again thank you, and most importantly...

Don't be afraid to be you for we deserve to have our voices be heard rather than be silenced. Stay safe remember to take care of yourself cuz I know a lot of us including myself struggle with that.

[danger-xylophones]

Hi could you please write a thrawn x always cold reader? I heard that chiss have higher body heat and would love a warm hug rn. No pressure at all though! Love your fics

Yessss, send me all the Thrawn asks, please! Also 1) Sorry this took so long 2) I wasn’t sure if you meant to imply that the reader is anemic or not so I chose not to go that direction. I did choose to adapt a bizarre struggle I learned sometimes happens when couples buy their first house together. 

He forgets you grew up on Tattooine. He forgets you were a child of the sand-someone who had to learn how to survive before they learned how to walk. 

You’d been a bounty hunter before the Empire plucked you from the employ of Jabba and ‘invited’ you into the Imperial Academy. Despite that, you’d managed to climb the ranks in record time before landing yourself a cozy little spot aboard the Chimeara around the same time Thrawn took command. 

And since his first meeting with you, Thrawn took a note of how you never just wore your uniform. You always had another layer on. He never commented on it though, chocking it up to a quirk of the independent fire he knew burned within you-you weren’t loyal to the Empire, after all, but you were loyal to him and that was enough. 

But it struck him as odd when the crew of the Chimeara was forced to travel to Hoth, of all places, to deal with a rebel cell and you refused to leave your post on the bridge. Normally, you loved leading the charge when dealing with rebels. And Thrawn let you, confident in your ability to lead the troops in a ground assault while he kept command of the fleet. Thrawn, not willing to order you around, let you stay on the bridge as he took over on the ground. 

The mission went off without a hitch. The rebels had been dealt with and Thrawn was back on the star destroyer. But one thing wasn’t right. He expected you to be waiting in the bridge for him, like normal, but you weren’t there. He hummed quietly as he surveyed the various officers and crew members at the computer before turning to the one closest to his left. “Officer, where is Admiral L/n?” 

The officer turned to Thrawn. “Admiral L/n retired for the evening, citing that they were not feeling well. They left the report on the naval conflict in your office, sir.”

Not feeling well? That was more than enough for concern. He hummed again and ordered for the crew to proceed to make the jump to hyperspace while he strode out of the the bridge in search of you. If his love was suffering, he was going to be there to help. 

He went to his office first; expecting to find you curled up in his chair there as per your usual routine. But you were not. The only sign you’d even been there was the added datapad and a chair that had been slightly scooted out. Thrawn left his office soon after, datapad in hand, and headed for his quarters next. You weren’t there either but...your favorite blanket was missing from its spot neatly folded at the foot of your shared bed. That left one other spot for you to retire to. Your quarters...on the other side of the ship. This was unusual for you. You’d confessed that you hated being so far away from his office. For you to go there of your own volition was odd. 

Thrawn got to your room quickly, aided by the rarity that no one needed to speak to him at the moment, and entered just as quickly-you never bothered to change your access code he noted. What he found upon stepping into your room was not what he was expecting to find. 

Thrawn could barely see a tuft of your hair peeking out from underneath a mountain of blankets. He noted that the drawer still holding the uniforms you hadn’t moved to his quarters was open with your lighter uniforms haphazardly hanging out. It seemed as though you had been after your heavier and warmer uniforms and had neglected to tidy up again before hiding beneath the beneath. You were evidently freezing then-had you fallen prey to a fever?

“Y/n?” Thrawn called out and he saw movement on the bed. There was a mumbled reply back. The Grand Admiral stepped into the room completely, letting the door slide shut behind him, and calmly began refolding and putting away the strewn about uniforms. He had been correct though-your warmer uniforms were not in the bottom of the drawer of your dresser. “Care to tell me why you are hiding away in your old room beneath,” he paused long enough to cast his eyes over to the bed, “five or so blankets?” 

“No.” He barely heard the flat response but it was enough to make him pause. “It’s dumb anyways.” You continued and now Thrawn stopped entirely and began to approach the bed. You were never like this no matter how miserable you were, you always maintained a sense of decorum even when around him. “I’ll be fine in a bit.” There was no mistaking the bitterness in your tone. 

Thrawn tilted his head at where you lay though you could not see him. His brow furrowed as he attempted to piece together what was going on. “Have I...done something to upset you, my dear?” It would not be unheard of. Thrawn was new to the idea of relationships just as you were-bumps were bound to come up, was this one of them? 

The chiss approached and sat on the edge of the bed, near enough to where you lay. He was at least relieved to see the blankets shift enough for you to poke your face out and speak to him. “No, my love, it’s nothing you’ve done.” Your voice was soft now, the bitterness from earlier pushed away to be dealt with later. The grand admiral hummed and scanned over your exposed face. You look tired, he noted, and small. Your movements were slow and stiff-every articulation looked painful. And you weren’t nearly as chatty nor affectionate as you would have been if you were in good health. 

“Then what is wrong? One of the officers informed me that you had retired because you felt ill. Is that truly the case?” He pressed, leaning towards you on one hand. 

You rolled your eyes at the news. “Dirty snitch.” With a huff you began to hide away once more but Thrawn pulled the blankets farther down to stop you. 

“You say that as if I would not go looking for you when I did not find you in our quarters.” He pressed and he saw you shy away, embarrassment taking over. He saw your lips move and knew that noise had left you but for the life of him he could not figure out what you said. “Pardon?” 

“Our quarters are too cold.” It was still hard to understand, your voice mumbly and the consonants unpronounced but he heard you all the same. 

His brow furrowed and his lips pursed before he was aware of it. “What do you mean? I specifically requested our quarters be kept at 22 degrees. Was I misinformed? Is that not the correct temperature you humans find the most agreeable?” 

You went so far as to reach a hand up to placate him, a grimace on your face the whole while your bare skin was exposed to the air. “No, Thrawn, it is. But...it’s too cold.” He said nothing and waited for you to elaborate. “Normally it’s manageable but today...I went in there and tried to get warm but I-I couldn’t. So...” So you came here, Thrawn finished in his head before something else jumped out at him. 

“Manageable? So, you mean to say that you have always been too cold in our quarters? Why did you not tell me?” The Grand Admiral couldn’t help but huff. 

“I didn’t tell you because I know Chiss’ body temperatures run higher than humans’-I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable. You’d already raised the room by ten degrees.” You mumbled to him and Thrawn felt any anger he had diminish. 

“Ch’eo ch’acah...” Thrawn sighed. “You need not worry about me. Chiss are adaptive. I will be fine no matter what.” He could see you wilt, attempting to hide once more. He didn’t let you. “Will you come back with me?” 

You shook your head which startled Thrawn before lifting the covers off of you. “Can we stay here for now? I’m finally getting warm.” The chiss let out a small huff in amusement before standing up. You watched as he carefully undid the top of his uniform. “What are you doing?” 

Without pausing he answered, “I understand that skin to skin contact is very helpful when trying to warm someone up.” In one fluid motion he pulled off his top and placed it on your nightstand which left his chest bare to you. He was keenly aware of the way you were gaping at him and it made a small, smug smile stretch over his face. Thrawn signalled for you to scoot over as he kicked off his boots and picked up the datapad he had brought before he slid into the bed. Thrawn snaked his arm around you and pulled you flush against him and for your own sake, he pretend not to notice the sigh of relief that slipped from you. You curled closer and pressed your face into his neck, immediately starting to warm up. “For future reference, what temperature is agreeable for you?” He asked after a moment of just letting you cuddle close. 

There was a beat of silence as you thought about it. “29. I think.” Thrawn’s brow furrowed for a second before it dawned on him-you’d spent your whole life on Tattooine, a planet known for its two suns and extraordinary heat. No wonder. 

“Noted.” He stated simply and he felt a slight chuckle slip from you. Little else was said as Thrawn pulled you closer once more. He could feel you beginning to drift off, your breaths evening out, and your hand that rested on his chest beginning to relax. “Get some rest, ch’eo ch’acah. I will be here when you wake.” You hummed in response but that is all he got out of you before you officially fell asleep, safe and warm against him. It brought a smile to his face. With a sigh of his own, he made sure he had a secure grip on your sleeping form before turning his attention to the report awaiting him. 

taglist: @apocalypticwafflekitten @cherryxcyarika @pinkiemme @justalittlecloud

[oswaldsleftbicep]

Hi! Hope you are doing well sweetie ❤️

May I request a part two of the headcanon about the boys reacting to the reader getting old and dying, but this time with Oswald and Lucia?

(you totally free to refuse this request if you feel uncomfortable <3)

lucia & oswald + coming to terms with their gn!so's mortality

you really had to choose two of my faves for this huh. jk i got so excited to write this, and i apologize for making you wait so long !! sequel to this. also i did oswald's a bit different than the rest bc he's my fave and i was projecting lmao

genre: angstangstangst

cw: death and mortality, aging, funerals, mourning and grief, terminal illness and premature death in oswald's part, slight language

Lucia

❧ he doesn't begin to really worry about you aging until your mid to late 30's; like yeah he saw how different you got over the years but no alarm bells were ringing until that age range

❧ but once he realizes, it all dawns on him at once like "oh shit you're getting old and you're gonna die like way before me huh" like he honestly probably has a panic attack because of it

❧ but y'all have seen how determined this man can get, he will do everything in his power to try and extend your lifespan as much as possible

❧ he ends up spending a lot of time locked away in his room, searching through book after book, trying to find a way to keep you alive

❧ you end up being the one to have to interfere; kaim asked you for help to get him out of his room so he could, ya know, be a king and do his kingly duties, and he's also been neglecting you for a hot minute so >:(

❧ so you're eventually able to tear him away from his research and you ask him what is so important that he's neglecting his responsibilities for

❧ and after a moment of silence, all he says is "you're aging really fast"

❧ at first you're like "gee thanks -_-" but then you see the look in his eyes and you understand what he means

❧ physically he may be like 25 but in reality he's probably a couple hundred years old; the two of you have extremely different rates of aging, and with you being human, you're gonna age and die a lot faster than him

❧ so you have to give him a talk explaining that you know you're gonna die faster than him, but it's part of being human, everything needs to die eventually and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it

❧ it's almost like talking to a child when their pet or grandparent just died

❧ as much as he hates the reality of it, he's eased by how calm and accepting you seem about this situation and he's able to step away from his extreme desperation

❧ although he will need the rest of the night to absorb everything, and when the two of you go to bed he holds you tighter than ever before

❧ the next day he goes back to normal like nothing happened and your aging is of no concern

❧ but you notice that he still reads older books in search of some sort of clue, and he's working harder during the day so that he can take more time off to spend with you

❧ as you continue to age, you bet your ass you're gonna have top tier medical treatment, and y'all remember how at the end of one route he cast a spell on mc's skin so that it'd be protected from uv rays and bad sunburns? he does that only it's so you won't get any bad wrinkles or kidney spots lol

❧ but because of the absolutely amazing medical care and you living your golden years in absolute comfort, you end up living a pretty long life for a human, i'm talking upper 90's and maybe even in the 100's

❧ but all good things come to an end, right?

❧ he had to get up early one morning for a meeting, and before he left y'all's room, he placed a kiss on your forehead and took a minute to watch as you sleep peacefully and breathing evenly; even as an old person you're still so gorgeous <3

❧ so he leaves to do his thing, and returns a couple hours later to see if you're up yet, kaim should be bringing you your breakfast by now

❧ but when he gets to the bedroom, he's met with kaim walking back out into the hall

❧ they meet each other's gaze and kaim for once can't help but look away, and that's all lucia needed to know

❧ somehow he's not in a state of panic as he walks to your bedside; you're just as he left you earlier that morning, you even look like you're still sleeping

❧ but you're too still

❧ he kneels on the floor beside you and brushes some hair out of your face and grabs onto one of your cold hands

❧ he hates that he wasn't there beside you when you passed, but he's also kinda glad you died in your sleep and not while you were awake and alone

❧ he makes funeral arrangements almost immediately and the kingdom goes into a few days of mourning as you were well known and loved by pretty much everyone in nightmare

❧ he plans the most elaborate and royal funeral for you and has your body taken care of the way you wanted but makes sure you have a little memorial spot somewhere he can go visit

❧ he couldn't bear to go back to the room you two shared, so for a long while everything was as it was when you were alive, and no one is allowed to go in there

❧ he manages to keep up with his duties and running the kingdom, but there's less light behind his eyes and he's already starting to look older for his age

Oswald

❧ he's no stranger to death due to him being a reaper and what his job requires him to do sometimes, but he's never associated any of those things with you

❧ in his mind, as long as he's around nothing can touch you, not even death

❧ so one day when you randomly pass out, he's very concerned

❧ by the time you come to, he already has a doctor waiting in his cabin to check you out, and the doctor gives you a brief physical and asks about your medical history

❧ the doctor's aware you're human, and let's say you're about 29-31 at this point, so he asks if there's like a family history of any illnesses

❧ and it dawns on you that there's this illness that's been passed down from generation to generation on one side of your family, but since that one parent didn't get it, everyone assumed that was the end of the illness and no one else would get it

❧ but what actually happened was that your one parent just didn't get the gene and it skipped their generation, so now you're stuck with this condition

❧ and since there's little to no information on human illnesses in nightmare, there's not much anyone can do, there's no concrete treatments or cures

❧ at first, oswald is mad, not at you or the doctor, but just at the fact that this illness had to choose you of all people

❧ but he's able to calm himself down enough to focus on you and seeing how you're taking this news

❧ so after the doctor leaves, he asks what you want to do now, to which you tell him that you'd like to be left alone to process and maybe take a nap

❧ so he lets you be, and immediately goes to find lucia and kaim to tell them what just happened; even though the doctor said there was little hope, he still wants to ask lucia to find some books about medicine

❧ oswald isn't into reading, and he's not all that good at it either, but for you he'll read every single book on those library shelves for even just a hint of an answer

❧ when he goes back to his cabin with a small pile of books, he sees you sleeping in the bed you share and he pulls up a chair next to you and starts reading

❧ of course he never ends up finding anything about your condition or about any cures, but he does highlight information on any possible symptoms

❧ he also brings out some books on herbal medicines so that he can make little treatments for you to help with your symptoms; he even dedicates a section of his garden to medicinal plants

❧ he has the doctor come by every couple of months for a checkup and to see how you're holding up, but one day you get the news that your condition is beginning to worsen significantly

❧ so the doctor does a little math and takes into account your current age, the average lifespan of a human, and the average lifespan of your family members and estimates that at this rate you'd only have around a year to live

❧ you've come to accept the fact that you're dying, but oswald sure as hell hasn't

❧ just a year left? that's not nearly enough time! the two of you have only been together for such a short amount of time, he can't lose you now

❧ so you give him some room to grieve and process, and eventually he comes to you and says he's ready to help you live out the rest of your life in peace and comfort

❧ you're still able to do what you normally do, just less. you still help him in the garden and you still do some light cleaning around the mansion, but your ability to complete those tasks fully and safely becomes less and less

❧ by the end of your last year, your condition worsened so drastically that you can't even stand or walk on your own; you're so weak and fragile that you need oswald to carry you pretty much everywhere

❧ not that he has a problem with that, he even feeds you your food so you are able to eat at least a little something

❧ so one afternoon you ask him to take you out to the garden so you can look at the flowers and the clouds, and he takes you out with a blanket for the two of you to lie on

❧ the two of you lay side by side and hold hands as he talks about the future he wants to share with you

❧ it's almost as if he knows that you're leaving soon and he's trying to convince you to stay

❧ as he talks he listens for your little comments and reactions, but as time passes he can feel your grip get weaker and weaker and you stop responding altogether

❧ he doesn't want to look over at you, not yet, he already knows what he's going to see

❧ but when he eventually does look over, it just looks like you're sleeping soundly in the dying sunlight

❧ he sits up and moves you so that you're cradled in his arms and he cries silently while holding your body close to him

❧ he stays like that until the sun starts to sink lower, and he decides to carry you to the bed you used to share

❧ once he's got you placed on the bed, he knows that he should tell someone but he doesn't want to leave you

❧ and as if someone heard his dilemma, here comes kurt bursting in the room, announcing that dinner is ready inside the mansion, but he stops short as his eyes land on your still figure

❧ he understands immediately and bursts into tears, and oswald softly asks him to go tell lucia and kaim about what happened

❧ so he runs off inside and returns minutes later with the two following close behind, and the three men decide what to do next

❧ whether you wanted to be buried or cremated, a good portion of your remains will be buried somewhere near the garden and oswald decides to grow your favorite flowers on top of the resting space

❧ he visits that spot everyday and talks to you about his garden and what's going on in the mansion

❧ he manages to carry on with his life for the most part, but it's not the same as when you were alive and next to him; he only carries on so well because he knows it's what you would have wanted for him

[tonya-the-chicken]

I’m not going to change your views but it does feel a bit dismissive when you say it wasn’t that bad because he had rich parents who neglected him but hey they got a maid for him and he probably wasn’t outcasted or bullied so hey it’s not that bad right 🤷‍♀️! I don’t know he definitely didn’t have the worse out of the villains but I don’t know it felt a bit dismissive is all. Although we need to all remember these are fictional characters so have no idea why the other anon needed to get so aggressive! Also the person in the notes I don’t know how to say it but uh the whole the Todoroki’s had a rich father they didn’t have to work a day in their life take is not a good look. Just because someone has parents with money it doesn’t derail the fact that neglect can cause trauma.

Anyways for the real reason I sent this, you wonder why Dabi is so insane. Well take into account the neglect alongside the fact that he burnt to near death up on that hill alone at the age of what 13? That’s got to be extra traumatising, especially for a child that was already not mentally ok. We also don’t know what his circumstances were like after that fire, like was he homeless? Or picked up by someone nefarious? Kind of like AFO(not him exactly but someone nasty) who maybe fed on his brewing anger and hate instead of positive healing. I’m sure we will find out at some point? I don’t think it was just what happened in the Todoroki household or the fire that broke his mind? There had to be other factors after the fire after his “death”!

[[WARNING!!! I love Dabi as a character but I am not a woobifier so if you are too much into him don't read!!!! No complaints taken, y'all will be blocked for being rude I am too old to deal with people unable to interact with me in good faith (anon it's not for you, you are good and I can't understand your point of view I am just not as good as a person and too old for that shit)]]

I don't think I will change my mind either but I feel like the belief that every trauma is equally bad is just... Simply wrong. Like, we can legit compare this stuff and how badly it affects our brain, what do y'all think psychologists research 🤷‍♀️ Like, your therapist won't tell you this because it's not their job to make you understand you not the centre of the Earth (and it won't help because it is a legit trauma response that is very valid but is annoying you're fucking 25 yo). And to say that, neglectful parenthood is probably the worst parenthood style, as far as I know XD I wrote coursework about this (neglectful bitches are having a lot of need to make us the biggest victims (the bitches is me))... It also feels really American to me? Like, are we going to pretend people who got to live in a nice house and were neglect somehow got it as bad as people living in poverty or warzones? Hello? Imagine telling some orphan "I know you have no parents but actually, my trauma of my father not spending enough time with me is just as severe as yours". Bruh couldn't be me sorry... Like, even taking into account the fact that we can have weaker or stronger nervous systems or be more prone to depressive episodes *looks in the mirror and cries* I simply wouldn't find the guts to say my trauma is as severe as idk people who had physically abusive parents or no parents at all or who were disowned for being gay

And like **again** I am not saying that neglect is not traumatic I WAS NEGLECTED THIS IS TRAUMATIZING AS FUCK. I just am living in a country at war and with lots of discrimination problems and I like... Can't say I am the biggest victim. Sorry I can't though there were times when I was a lot more bitchy especially before being in therapy so I understand where you are coming from and I know what I am saying won't resonate with everyone (it's ok go on your own healing journey I believe in you) but this doesn't mean it is garbage and won't help me or someone else... I've already talked once about it but as a person, I am very easily irritated and envious and really not your local Jesus and partially my trauma turned me like this so being more humble about my sufferings helps me not be a complete bitch (believe me or not but people with traumas and mental illnesses are often insufferable *looks in the mirror* not me though I am perfect... BUT IT IS OK TO BE INSUFFERABLE OK??? like, bitch, that's normal. That's normal to stink when you are depressed it's ok to be a bitch when you are hurting. Forgive yourself because I forgive you (when you are not being an abusive asshole but if you apologize and explain yourself I will forgive that too)

The reason why I talk about the fact he is rich is that I've got a disease called leftism and I am a person of several marginalized identities and since this fandom LOVES looking at characters like real humans, I looked at Dabi this way. And if Dabi was a real human, I wouldn't sympathize with him one bit. I would fucking hate him for being the biggest entitled asshole who commits crimes for the reason his Daddy didn't give him attention. Bitch, my Dad didn't give me attention either! But somehow I don't kill people! And I don't even have money!!!! But like... I am not denying that neglectful parents are not a problem. It is. But he is overreacting, bro. He needs to humble down and recognize the fact he is a fucking idiot (he is). He has inherently so much more resources to recover and heal himself than I had... Yes, I am just being jealous at this point but honestly. Making an entire country suffer for you is not a good thing and y'all need to stop using trauma and mental illness as an excuse for people. No! Being abusive to people because of neglect is not valid, is overreacting and you had no reason to do that. I am dismissing your trauma because you are exaggerating it to make me sympathize with your asshole behaviour. I won't judge people with different sets of standards as I judge myself

I bet it would be dismissive and bad if I said it in conversation with someone who is currently struggling with mental health and is not a murderer. But guess what! I don't talk with humans and my friends the same way I talk on my Tumblr about fictional characters 🤷‍♀️ Not to mention I don't have rich friends akabsksbxm

I think with Dabi there's this whole thing where we saw him at 14 (poor baby boy) and 24 (a grown-ass boy) and... Like, I am so sorry for 14 years old Touya not receiving the help he needs (bruh so relatable) but I am not gonna act like 24 years old bitch can't get his ass to a psychiatrist (extremely unrelatable and infuriating). We shouldn't apply the same standards to kids and adults. We can talk all day long about how society is bad and how our parents ruined us but at some points, you gotta take your life into your own hands and do something and be an adult. And it's fucking hard when you're born with a shitty brain that was fucked up by your parents even more in a society where no one gives a fuck but I sincerely don't know another way to live. You will feel bad and want to die but you either keep on recovering or keep on getting worse and at this point getting worse is Dabi's *choice* That's how I live, that's my framework and I am, of course, extremely fortunate in a lot of ways but I just don't know how are you supposed to survive without the notion that grown people are responsible for themselves and their mental health. We can't act like adults are babies

But as a character, Dabi is fucking hot ngl. Like, do I sometimes want to murder my entire family, make them suffer AND commit terrorist attacks? We all do. Dabi is the dark fantasy of us neglectful bitches craving some attention. Gotta kill the president and tell everyone that my Dad sucks. Imagine the entire country hearing your Dad sucks? That's the juice, that's the dream. Trauma makes you vicious. I get the sentiment. Imagine all those fuckers who made you feel like shit pissing their pants and crying? Imagine your Mom being afraid of you the way you used to be afraid of her? People do have the desire for some violent justice but like... Think of bullied kids committing school shootings. But instead of a kid, it's a grown man who graduated school and who also have a rich father

Ok too much about irl stuff and philosophy shit. I know my way of talking is kinda brute so just know the way I treat people is different from that I treat fictional characters, in particular, I don't call real-life humans submissive and breedable... And stuff...

Damn Dabi is kinda good to project your hatred of your parents in bruh, I should write a fanfic about that (would be cathartic)

To the plotline, I am also very interested in what the hell happened with him after burning because... How the hell he wasn't found? I kind of DON'T want him to be groomed at this point because I feel like it won't be as cool as him just more naturally evolving into what he became. Like, surely, he is an asshole but consider this: as a villain, he is morally obligated to be an asshole

I feel like someone hiding him and Touya overstating the gruesomeness of his living conditions to the dude so he feels *bad* for him and hides him and feels sympathy and Touya gets attention but also begins to reassure himself in the fact his Dad needs to be punished... Idk it's a lot of mystery but I feel like more suffering won't deliver the point the way I want it... I mean it CAN be handled this way and initially I thought a lot about Dabi being brainwashed a bit or having his memories altered so it seems worse to him or even him being groomed or lied too but nowadays I am not into it. I mean I believe in Horikoshi and that he will handle him well 🛐

I talk a lot so I will summarize

If we judge him as a real human

14 yo Touya - DID NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE PROTECT HIM

24 yo Dabi - go fuck yourself bitch you older than me and act like a child and kill people, I couldn't care less about your trauma rich boy

If you want me to talk as his psychologist

Yeah, it is painful and sad, I understand him so much and surely, his trauma is valid as is his hatred but probably revenge won't bring him what he wants. And what he wants is love and attention. But he gotta make choices that will lead to his healing. He needs to *want* to heal. And we will step by step go to the healing because it is possible. He is loved and he is enough. AND YOU ALL MOTHERFUCKERS WILL HEAL I BELIEVE IN YOU BESTIES

Also his therapist (behind his back)

You won't believe it but my client is the most infantile attention whore I've ever met

But if we talk about him as a character... Very delicious soup

If you talk with your friends

Please, if your friends are being abusive to you or someone else don't even LET them say how their trauma made them this way. No. Nothing allows you to be an abuser. Call them out and stop them and make them talk to the therapist. Like, surely, there are extreme situations like severe mental illnesses or extreme neglect where we should be more forgiving but babying adults won't do you any good and won't make them recover

Yeah, I guess this is what I forgot to say. When I say "it wasn't that bad" what I mean is that I would be more forgiving to people who had it worse. It's more of a personal measure where I can tolerate stuff from people who had particular traumas or from those who suffered greatly (it's not my place to be a bitch here). I can forgive 14 years old or a poor person for stealing stuff but not the 25-year-old man who got no need for money and is not a kleptomaniac. I would be more forgiving to Shigaraki than to Dabi because Shigaraki was groomed a whole lot. Same for Toga, who is not even an adult or Twice who is a poor orphan. But that doesn't mean I would forgive them completely. All of them are shitty people. It's just that they had fewer resources and possibilities to not be what they became while Dabi had more but he acts like he is extremely hurt and the biggest victim which is like... There will be people like this in your life, please, don't make friends with them, they WILL abuse you

I talked a lot damn. It's adhd I can't shut up

[lgvalenzuela]

45,34,30,15 and 2 for morgana and 13,8, and 29 for mercy pls ( I really love ur kids and ur art I swear I'll draw them one day) -scarlettroubles

This means a lot to me, I hope I can draw your kids too, they're fantastic 🥺🖤🖤🖤

Morgana

2. What house are they in and why do they belong there?

Morgana is a Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff hatstall actually, in her family on her mother's side most of them are hatstalls. It sure surprise people that she isn't a Hufflepuff, she is hard working, patient, fair, loyal and modest. But for her it was more about who she wanted to be instead of who she was, she is wise, creative, accepting and has a passion for learning, but also she thinks her intelligence and wisdom come from, funnily enough, her Hufflepuff traits, from her empathy and kindness.

15. Worst school subjects?

Catch Morgana crying because her parents are a professional Quidditch player and an Auror and the two things she can for the life of me do is fly and duel.

Listen, listen, you can drop out flying in year 2, but Morgana was so disastrous Hooch gave her a permit to drop out three months in so she wouldn't die.

Her other worst subject is DADA, she has a plan for everything so she has that going for her, but she is weak and she doesn't have time to plan for anything, also she gets particularly anxious in class surrounded by people, and that doesn't help.

30. What has been their biggest challenge at Hogwarts yet?

(Keeping Mercy and Damien alive)

The first time was in year 5, Morgana isn't strong like her friends (mood sis) but she cares a lot, and she is very smart so what she does to protect her friends is make a plan a, b, c and all the letters that are needed. But in year 5 Rakepik made all the plans, and expent the entire year gaslighting her making her seem useless, and unneeded. That carried on from the betrayal to the next year, where Damien was the angriest he'd ever been and not dealing with it well, Mercy transformed into a werewolf, and Rowan almost died (they're alive in my AU)

Rowan always helped her with the research, and Mercy and Damien always supported her, it started to feel like she was completely alone, and all this plus her already dealing with mental illness, she just had a complete breakdown, she passed out, out of seer exhaustion, she didn't want to let anyone in, her powers were out of control.

Barnaby had a very serious talk with her, where he made her deal with the fact that if she didn't take care of herself she couldn't take care of others, and she was as deserving of love and help as she believed everyone else to be.

34. What's their theme song?

Here!

(Also here in the romance department cause as a shamless shipper I can’t help myslef)

45. What quote best defines them?

“I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again”

Stephen Grellet

Mercy

8. Is there anyone in Hogwarts they can't stand?

Oh dear, evryone thinks she’s a cinnamon roll because she surround herself with people she likes and the bitchy side doesn’t come out as much. Oh no, Mercy is distrustful, and if she doesn’t like you she’s not going to beat around the bush, she doesn’t have time for people she doesn’t like?

she actually had a pretty bad relationship with Rowan for a long time, until year 6, they’re very different and she kinda felt like they were forcing themleves into her life, trying to hard to be her best friend. Of course she hates Emily Tyler, but that’s an obvious. She does’t like Alanza much. Hope the guys that make gross comments about Morgana because she’s a pretty girl are ready for a fight cause she uses her fists more than her words.

And she doesn’t like some teachers, she doesn’t know why Binns is a teacher, she’d fight Trelawney for making her friends anxious, she doesn’t respect Dumbledore, and of course, the crown of the person she hates the most in the world goes to Snape, he treats his students like crap, he’s a bad person in general, and on top of that he knew her moter in Hogwarts and was directly responsible for her expulsion, so as his student, she decided to be the worst student possible for him (and set his cloak on fire whenever she can)

13. What are their talents? Mundane or magical

Cooking, specially sweets, her cookies are so good they make people cry

Animal rearing, although shes better with normal animals

Surviving in the wild, she knows a lot about herbology and nature

Dueling and fighting

Quidditch

29. What's their wand type? What does it symbolize about them?

Rowan wood

Abraxam feather

30 cm

Slightly yielding

Rowan wands generally produce powerful, hard to break Defensive charms. Rowan wands were also noted for its believed disassociation with the Dark arts. Perhaps for these reasons, Rowan has become associated with pure-hearted wizards, though Ollivander noted that Rowan wands can also match or even outperform others in duels.

Wands with an Abraxam feather core are more well suited for defensive magic, but for that, first you have to win it’s loyalty and tame it, which is not an easy task, maybe it’s because of that that they favor forceful and stubborn owners

Slightly yielding wands will initially resist new owners, but if the owner is persistent, it will warm up eventually. It is particularly good for animal-taming and defensive magic, although it may have a bit of difficulty with nonverbal magic. Wand owners with slightly yielding wands are often very kind and compassionate, but they may have some reluctance trusting others since they possess a strong sense of skepticism. It usually takes a lot of strong arguing before the owner of this wand will believe claims that don’t make any sense to them.

Mercy is a protector, sometimes annoyingly so, very overprotective when she’s at her worse. She’s a force to be wreckoned with, she solves most problems by punching them in the face, or if she hasn’t forgotten her wand, dueling them. She’s stubborn and dsitrustful of others, but extremly loyal and loving when she actually comes to like you.

[akechicrimes]

it does matter, actually, that goro akechi is a minor. not because this somehow exonerates him morally, or because this somehow makes him not responsible for his actions, but because persona 5 is invested in children as a source of hope for a better future. 

once i saw someone complain that people will defend akechi’s murders on the grounds that he’s a child/minor and how they felt that this doesnt excuse multiple counts of murder. and i was like, ok, well, im not sure anyone was excusing him, but alright, sure. and i’ve seen a few rebuttals to that, one of which is that shido and the other adults in akechi’s life had a responsibility to support akechi in such a way that it didn’t come to murder, and of course it’s on shido to just not be a massive dick who endorses fascism and murders in the first place. and i was like ok, well, this seems a little patronizing and dismissive of akechi’s agency and autonomy, but alright, sure.

in a very roundabout way of explaining my first two sentences, there’s one thing that bothers me lately, and it’s selim bradley from fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood. 

for those of us not familiar with fma:b, selim, or pride, is the oldest homunculus/artificial human in the show and the second-oldest villain, despite the fact that he looks about eight years old. of the seven homunculus named after deadly sins, selim/pride is the only one to survive the show--with an asterisk, which is that selim gets the “homunculus” part of him erased by the end of the show. with the “pride” aspect of him gone, selim is mortal, without any special powers, without memories of any of his amoral acts, and is generally just a happy, normal child.

which is a weird exception to fma:b’s general rule in which every other homunculus dies. even fan favorites like greed and envy don’t live, despite the fact that greed and envy are far more sympathetic as characters. selim kills multiple people on-screen, shows zero remorse whatsoever, and is an active helper in all the other mass-murders that the homunculi engineer. selim’s not an innocent in any way. also, he’s like, 200 years old? 300? he’s very old. biologically, mentally, emotionally, selim is not a child.

but fma:b goes out of its way to make sure that selim gets a second chance at a future, just because his body looks like a child’s. cut another way, he gets an exception from a large number of terrible crimes, up to an including participation in genocide, just because he looks like a child. 

fma:b reminded me that, outside of tumblr’s purity politics over children, and especially so in japan, children are socially constructed in a very specific way, beyond biological age and legal majority cutoffs. 

yes, biological age is a thing. yes, legal majority is a thing. i’m not saying that being a child isn’t a biological thing--it is, obviously. but what i’m saying is that there’s a difference between, say, the sex assigned to you at birth and your gender presentation, to use an analogy. there is a such thing as biological age, but the societal status of being a child of a related but separate thing. and this status of being considered a child is a societal construct.

the social construction goes like this, insofar as i’m aware: children should be good and silent and dutiful and work hard and go to school and listen to their elders, and their elders in turn should do everything they can to guide the children to the right path and build a good society for these children to inherit. (if we want more details on this, please see the entire history of filial piety in asia.)

so that’s a social contract right there baked into the social construct of childhood: children don’t have power, but adults have an obligation to make sure they don’t need power, and to make sure that the future and their children’s futures look bright. 

children represent the future, essentially. they’re the next generation. they’re simultaneously without legal rights as adults and in a very vulnerable position, for sure, but they’re also simultaneously considered the country’s most precious capital: quite literally the people who will inherit and lead the country next.

which, personally, i think puts a whole new spin on the phantom thieves in general. they’re not just kids who’re being rowdy or kids telling abusive shitty adults theyre being abusive and shitty--or, they’re kids doing those things, but they’re not just kids doing those things. they’re kids who’ve been specifically let down by adults who did not fulfill their social obligation to them. they’re kids who’ve been abandoned and neglected by the very adults who should have been paving the way forward for them, as society has asked those adults to do, because those adults have instead chosen to line their own pockets and cover their own asses. 

so the kids said: alright, well, then i’ll take power for myself, and i’ll make my own future. (which is where we get a lot of those promo slogans of “steal back your future” and junk like that.)

sae’s comments about how adults should do their part to fix the world for the kids is just a resolidifying of the way the world “should” work, and we could talk about her comments on the matter, but actually i wanna talk about yoshida.

i especially want to talk about yoshida because yoshida and shido are the two politicians we see the most of, and both of them spend a lot of time reciting political rhetoric to speak to the hearts of the general japanese populace. we all know the way that shido thinks of japan: a large vehicle that one person is in control of, and the masses just compose the throne upon which the ruler sits.

we also already know that yoshida’s a Real G, but it’s worth really close-reading some of his lines. he speaks a lot about apathy, the lack of caring for each other in society--a general willingness to disregard your fellow man, to not uphold one’s social obligation to each other. but he also talks a lot about the “youth”--which is not really uncommon for a politician, obviously, since politicians are always talking about “the children” and “the kids” and “the next generation” and “those damn millennials” and all that shit. 

yoshida instead gives us these fun lines:

A world where the young exist only to be exploited... is a world that must be changed!

And while our society appears to be prosperous, many of our young people are quietly suffering. They lack jobs, security, savings... The next generation will lead us into the future and yet they have no plan for how to arrive there.

Passing on the societal ills we have created to the next generation... is not right!

...the current administration refuses to discuss their plans for the future... Can we really accept such an utter lack of transparency?!

If you make a promise, you must keep it. If you make a mistake, you must atone for it. These are basic human principles that we have all learned from the youngest of ages... 

yoshida’s entire thing about how the adults have let the children down isn’t just him saying shit--he’s commenting directly on the fact that the social contract has been broken, and he’s putting the blame on the administration for not upholding their responsibility to secure a future for the children, especially since the children are the future of the country. 

this is partly why he doesn’t blame the phantom thieves for acting the way that they do; rather, he seems them as a logical reaction to the injustice that’s occurred as a result of the society that the adults have left for them:

I bet [the Phantom Thieves] are a group of young people. Young people who have experienced cruelty and injustice... They bravely face the societal ills that plague our world without thinking of the consequences.

(i think also in part he admires the fact that they’re anonymous and don’t benefit personally from their actions, which is exactly the opposite of what he did as a young politician. he also doesn’t throw the real embezzlement culprit under the bus to exonerate himself presumably for the same principle of desiring selfless public service instead of personal gain.)

in both the early parts of the s link and later on when yoshida starts talking with matsushita more extensively, akira’s important because he’s young--he represents the young demographic that yoshida and matsushita are discussing the future of. akira demonstrating support for yoshida in a public way means a lot because he’s a minor. matsushita asks akira for his opinions on the phantom thieves and other issues because akira is a minor. akira’s opinion is supposed to be heard and valued by adults, who should take his opinions into consideration and do their best to not let him down. 

this is tied into the general thread of yoshida being a person who was self-admittedly just as corrupt as everyone else, who was blinded by glamor and fame and money, who got caught up in political scandal. yoshida’s general acceptance of his mistakes as a human being and politician ties over to his general belief that it’s not that the youth are rebellious no-good teens, but that the youth have been let down by politicians like who he used to be. he blames himself, and because he is not too different from the rest of the older generation and politicians in general, he implicates a lot of the older generation and politicians as also blame-worthy.

his quest for redemption and atonement dovetails neatly with his views on the broken societal contract. taken together, yoshida’s s link implies to us the idea that the entire general older generation in japan more or less owes the children of japan a formal apology, and the older generation better get on their redemption arc and start being the vanguard of the change for children:

The reason [the Phantom Thieves are] causing a stir is because they are addressing the world’s problems. Setting aside whether their actions are right or wrong... there is one thing I can safely say about the Phantom Thieves. A belief with conviction... has the ability to move a person’s heart.

I’m sure you are all aware that I am “No-Good Tora,” the one accused of embezzlement. However, because I was accused like that, I was able to understand the suffering of the weak. Why am I in politics? In the past, it was merely for personal gain. But why do the Phantom Thieves continue to change hearts? I believe they do it for the world and its people. And in choosing to do justice for others, they had no choice but to disguise themselves. No matter what the world says, I fully support them. 

I’m just an average citizen. However, I will continue to voice my beliefs. I may not be able to become a Diet member this election... and I may not be able to effect change during my lifetime... but I’ve made my peace with that. I will be happy as long as I can be a meaningful stepping stone for the future of our youth!

okay. so that was a lot of close reading about yoshida. why did we do this exercise, tumblr user akechicrimes. 

there’s two takeaways from this. the first is the one that yoshida has already talked about extensively, which is that the phantom thieves are just but not because Fuck Cops and Fuck Capitalism and Fuck Anime Jeff Bezos. the phantom thieves are just because the people who are supposed to be upholding society aren’t doing their fucking jobs. the phantom thieves are specifically saying: we’ve been let down by society, so apparently we have to do everything our goddamn selves around here.

(which also ties in neatly to the general “fuck cops” vibe of persona 5 which, i would like to say, is very specifically “the cops are not doing their jobs.” the TV station scene where akira speaks back to akechi is, if i’m remembering this right, maybe the ONLY time we really hear “akira’s” opinion on the morality of his own activities, which is fascinating because he just does these things without ever justifying himself to the player--anyway, his three options are: (1) They’re justice itself, (2) They’re necessary, and (3) They do more than the cops. so akira can’t ever at any point say that the phantom thieves are bad, but his most interesting and detailed answer is to point out that the cops aren’t doing what they’re supposed to do, so who can really blame the phantom thieves for doing what the cops aren’t?)

the second takeaway is that yes, goro akechi does get more leniency because he’s a minor. 

yes. seriously. this isn’t a matter of excusing what he did, or downplaying the fact that he committing murder. i’m not saying that he wasn’t old enough to make decisions (although i would never say that he was old enough to make decisions, because he was 14/15 when he got wrapped up in shido’s conspiracy). i’m also not saying that akechi, somehow for some reason, didn’t volunteer himself willingly, because all the evidence points to the fact that he did (although of course “free will” is also highly circumspect considering his living conditions at the time and the fact that shido makes it clear that he was able to manipulate akechi without ever infringing on akechi’s sense of autonomy). i’m not even saying that akechi was driven to the point of murder and had no other choice (although i think that might also be true as well).

what i am saying is that under the construction of childhood as japan’s future and japan’s hope, akechi is considered a valuable member of society, and is therefore worth saving.

or at least he should be.

akechi says that he’s an unwanted child, but “unwanted child,” according to yoshida’s rhetoric (and a lot of japan’s general rhetoric of children as hope for the future) is an oxymoron. (or at least it would be an oxymoron if japan weren’t so fucking hypocritical.) you can’t not want the future of the country. you can’t not want hope for a good future. the very idea that a child could be not wanted or not valuable doesn’t make any sense, because children are the future--in some ways, whether you like it or not, that child is going to inherit the earth when you’re dead.

the kind of person who’d not want those things is--well, shido. (this is why i used yoshida; yoshida and shido are two polar opposite politicians.) shido quite literally does not want a good future for anyone in the country and quite literally does not want akechi and quite literally does not see akechi, one of the very young-person citizens that shido is supposed to be serving, as useful or valuable in any way unless akechi is directly promoting shido’s fame and popularity. shido being akechi’s father is just a very neat and nice way of literalizing the ways that shido, as an adult, has let down akechi as a child--the ways that shido quite literally owed akechi something to make akechi’s life and future better, and instead did everything awful.

there should not ever be a thing like “unwanted child.” that in and of itself, from the start of akechi’s life, was nonsensical. and to the extent that shido being akechi’s father is allegorical of the ways that shido is a terrible patriarch for japan, i would say that akechi, as an unwanted foster child, is just another allegory for the ways that children nowadays are treated as misbehaving, lazy good-for-nothings who have to work themselves into the dirt to be given half the salary and half the praise. akechi, as an unwanted child, is just the personification and representative of an apparently unwanted generation. 

what i’m getting at is that akechi’s status as a minor (and yes he’s a minor even if he’s eighteen; age of majority in japan is twenty)--akechi’s status as a minor is a critical part of why akechi gets a shot at a redemption arc. so yes, actually, the other villains or palace-rulers don’t get redemption arcs because they are adults, who had a societal obligation to do better by their peers and by the children of japan. yes, actually, akechi’s informal “trial” in the hands of fandom is to be tried as a minor and not as an adult. yes, i know kamoshida didn’t kill anyone and akechi’s literal crimes are more morally repugnant, but yes, unfortunately, being a minor does actually exonerate him on the morality spectrum to a degree. 

being a child matters in the larger scheme of persona 5′s logic of who owes who, who’s responsible for who, and why we should not be apathetic. adults owe children a better future. adults have been letting children down. adults owe every single phantom thief, including akechi, an apology, a better future, and health and happiness; and they owe that to japan’s future not as a matter of exchange or morals, but simple social obligation. adults are supposed to take care of the kids--full stop. 

”okay but @ tumblr user akechicrimes?? akechi KILLED people.”

yeah, i know. i said “being a minor does actually exonerate him on the morality spectrum to a degree.” 

what degree? no idea. that’s up to you to decide. if you want to play in the black-grey-white morality scale that only goes two ways, you’re welcome to continue to ask “what degree.” we can argue that being a minor somehow reels akechi back from the “black” end of the spectrum into the “grey” or “white” parts. 

but (if i may be permitted to go completely off the shits into things that might make people pissed off at me for saying) i implore you to consider that this two-way scale of morality is not the line of thought that persona 5 is pursuing. 

this, again, ties back into the social construction of a child. i’ve said “a child is representative of the country’s future” so many times i think it’s lost meaning, so let me dice it a different way: a child is socially constructed as representative of potential and hope. a child is socially constructed as the capacity for things to get better. in persona terms, a child is the fool at the start of their journey, all futures contained in one present, a vast multitude of could-be’s. 

for a game very concerned with japan’s general societal ruin, children are not just in the position of having been let down by adults, but are--as the phantom thieves demonstrate--representative of better futures regardless of how terrible circumstances look in the current day. they are a source of believing one day this sad, depressing story might actually end with “and then they lived happily ever after.”

if i may go even more completely off the shits, take a look at this heckler from yoshida’s s link, which is the one that akira speaks back to in the middle of yoshida’s speech:

...I’ve been wrong this whole time. Even though someone has failed in the past, it doesn’t mean that person can’t try again.

this is to say, redemption arcs insofar as persona 5 (and also persona 5 royal, i think) is concerned is not a question of necessarily addressing the wrongs that have occurred. yoshida sets the bar pretty high in that yoshida does not ask for forgiveness for what he’s done, and instead simply accepts his actions and their consequences without attempting to lessen the blow. he embraces what he’s done in all its awfulness. 

but because akechi is a a minor, and because akechi as a minor is getting wrapped up in persona 5′s train of thought about kids as the hopeful futures of japan, akechi is at the very least owed a chance to do better. as a minor, japan is societally contracte to give him the space to have the potential to be better and do better. nobody is obligated to forgive him, and indeed neither royal nor akechi ever seem to entertain this as a valid possibility. forgive, forget, reconciliation, retribution, and resolution seem to be all off the table, as if the very idea would minimize haru or futaba’s losses. the very conceit of the dreamworld in P5R wants to shoot down the very idea that the past can ever, to any degree, be fixed, remedied, or even emotionally resolved. akechi will have always killed wakaba and okumura and this fact will always be awful--full stop.

nevertheless, despite the fact that the past cannot be changed, akechi is still a minor. rather than attempting to resolve the issues of the past, akechi is still owed the space to become a beacon of potential change for the better in the future--which is also known as hope. 

i’ve said this in other posts elsewhere, but persona games are like, obsessed with hope. they fucking adore that shit. why not? even in difficult times, even when things are terrible and you’re going through misery, if you at least have hope that one day things will be better, that life will change, that the new generation will step up to the plate and make the story have a happy ending, pain becomes easier to bear. and why not? persona games cover a breadth of difficult topics. 

especially in a game like P5, which talks at length about modern day japan’s ailments, what good is it if the player walks away with a defeatist attitude that the future will be terrible? 

if reality is malleable like morgana says, isn’t the first step to have hope that this is true?

this post has gone on a lot longer than i thought it would. but in any event. that’s why it is valid to say that akechi being a minor “exonerates” him to a degree. 

also selim bradley lives because fma:b concurs that children are a hope for a better future and fma:b is particularly invested in this line of thought because it’s a story about edward transitioning from a child to a young adult who is learning about the ways that the world works and is also still just childlike enough to propose that the world shouldn’t have to work in the bloody, awful way that it does. selim is representative that all children should be given as many chances as possible to do and be better because they are representative of potential. if that wasn’t clear. lmao.

[wanna-b-poet31]

Crowley’s Truth and Aziraphale’s Lies (A 3-part series) Part 1: Crowley’s Heartbreaking Honesty

So I could do a whole series about why Crowley (in all his piety) is fallen and Aziraphale (in all his temptations) is not. However, I wanted to focus this series strictly on the use of honesty and lies throughout Good Omens. I argue that honesty (and the irony of an honest Demon and a lying Angel) is a tool for establishing their place in-between Heaven and Hell.  They serve as hybrids, a liminal space between holy and hellish, allowing for their supposed “flaws” to shine, and enable them to form their own side.  

Crowley’s Motivation:

One of Crowley’s defining traits is his imagination. Unlike any other celestial entity, he can create ideas, questions, and fabrications at a moment’s notice.  Crowley’s no Saint, he lies to Hastur easily (about calling the demonic counsel), he impersonates Aziraphale stunningly, and (if Aziraphale recalls correctly) he takes credit for all of the horrendous things humanity has done throughout the years (even earning himself some commendations along the way).  So he CAN lie, quite well actually, so long as he has the proper motivation.

And, without fail what IS his motivation? Who (or what) inspires him and allows him to focus his thoughts even when he’s panicking (and possibly trying his best to cope with his piles of trauma)?  Certainly not humanity alone, and certainly not because he has any sense of self-preservation. The man ran into a burning building head first without a second thought; he drove his beloved car through literal hellfire; he walked across consecrated ground despite being burned simply because he told himself he could.  No, he there’s only 1 thing that motivates him.

Aziraphale (of course) 

Crowley: Would I Lie To You?

Crowley lies at least 5 notable times throughout the series.

His reports about the ill-deeds he’s responsible for are riddled with lies and half-truths (which is a general fuck you Hell kind of lie)

He fails to tell the higher-ups in Hell about his knowledge about the Anti-Christ, the location of the Anti-Christ and neglected to correct Hell about it (a Fuck you Satan kind of lie)

He hides and ignores the agreement he’s made with Aziraphale from Hell (A Fuck you Heaven and Hell kind of lie) 

He deceives Hastur, several times but most notably after Ligur’s death (a fuck you Hastur kind of lie, and he’s murderous so he deserves it sorta)

He Impersonates Aziraphale (An F to the U to Heaven kind of lie) 

The notable exemption from this list is Aziraphale. 

Unlike the demons who he deceives at any given moment (particularly in defense of Aziraphale), he refuses to lie to Aziraphale. 

Are you Satan and have just “blessed” Crowley with the staring role in the Apocalypse?  Yeah, great (lies through his teeth about wanting to partake). 

 Are you a Duke of Hell inquiring about where the Anti-Christ is and trying to confront Crowley about his relationship with Aziraphale? “So Longggg Suckaaas” I’m gonna lie lie lie and possibly kill you for coming towards me. 

Are you heaven trying to torture my best friend >lover< with hellfire that will surely kill him? Not today motherfucker, because guess what? Now I’m him and I’ll lie my ass off to protect him. 

Are you an Angel who shows free will and loves humanity as much as he does? 404 Error lies not found. 

This is not to say he’s always straightforward with Aziraphale. because God, Satan, Someone knows he’s got a flair for the dramatic. But not even does he lie through omission.  Whenever Aziraphale asks a question, no matter how light-hearted or series Crowley’s being, he will always give an honest answer, even if it sometimes goes over the angel’s head. >see: Crowley being a blubbering mess because his best friend died and Aziraphale not quite understanding that the best friend is him< 

He’s also oddly cryptic when he’s asking for holy water, but never once does Crowley lie. Sure, he’s trying to speak in code “because the trees have ears”, but when he says it’s for insurance, not a suicide pill, it is for insurance. 

He can tell that his relationship with Aziraphale has morphed in such a way that it would put him and Aziraphale in danger if Hell ever found out about it.  Aziraphale, simply, does not believe him that his only motivation is protection because it is too close to his own fears about Crowley being destroyed. 

Which is why I think he’s so upset about the word “fraternize��. First, there is a class element involved with the Victorian use of the word (usually referring to someone of a higher class interacting friendly to a lower class member). Where Aziraphale may have meant comradery (and brotherhood, which also not how Crowley views their relationship) Crowley certainly acts as if he took it to mean Aziraphale was speaking to him like an enemy or an “inferior” species. 

This is only further supported by Aziraphale’s accusatory “we may have both started out as Angels, but YOU are fallen”, placing (in my opinion) too much emphasis on Crowley’s fall (a huge trauma trigger for him). But this whole characterization of their relationship is a lie Aziraphale tells himself to repress his fears about Heaven’s traumatic treatment of him. By this point in their partnership (as we’ve seen) both he and Crowley go out of their ways to treat each other as equals. To deny it, to repress their feeling is a slap. in. the. face. 

Further, the audience for lying clearly matters to Crowley.  In the relative privacy of the park, Aziraphale says “fraternize”, which doesn’t do enough justice for the kind of intimacy the uniquely share. It implies they could be enemies or strangers (which they aren’t, they’re at least friends). Crowley is so intimately aware that even now, in the 1800′s, it’s them (and humanity) against divinity.  And, Crowley refuses to lie to Aziraphale, especially about the sort of relationship they share. Sure he won’t tell the other demons, and sure as hell won’t tell the angels how deep their relationship goes, but in this private moment, where he’s approaching as a partner (not an adversary)? It would be the worst kind of lie. It would ignore or erase the new space they’ve created for themselves where they can be equals. 

In the above gif, we see Crowley angry and lash out. He says harsh words and insists that he doesn’t need Aziraphale. Since we’re counting, I don’t think this is a lie. Now no, he clearly does need Aziraphale in his life, but he’s just been smacked in the face with the insinuation that they are not equals, they are not friends, they are enemies, and I believe him at this moment, a very hurt Crowley, decides if that’s how Aziraphale is going to treat him, then he will treat him like all his other enemies. At the moment he says I think it he means it because Crowley cannot make time for someone who won’t take his concerns seriously and thinks so little of their relationship.  If he can’t be seen as an equal, he’d prefer not to be seen at all. 

Although, this is a temporary truth, and one Crowley is willing to correct Aziraphale about in a way he never does for his hellish counterparts. Crowley cares too deeply to wish Aziraphale any real harm, even if Aziraphale can’t call a spade a spade. Crowley sure as Hell would move heaven and earth to demonstrate the extent of his love. He shows as much in his rescue in 1941, and again when Aziraphale once again lies and says “we’re not friends...I don’t even like you” in the bandstand. These lies actively hurt Crowley but not once does he retaliate with.  Instead, he meets Aziraphale with blunt honesty. Saying “yes you do” doing everything he can to get Aziraphale on the same page, and share their truth. 

Look at the above gif. Not only does Crowley KNOW Aziraphale is lying, but Aziraphale knows it too. While he clearly loves Crowley and has loved Crowley for some time, his inability to work through his anxieties and rely on Crowley as a support system, as a partner, he can’t come to terms with his own trauma. 

So, he lies. 

He lies and he hurts Crowley. He lies and he dismisses Crowley’s honesty. He lies and he harms himself because they both know this is a facade he can’t keep up much longer. He lies, and Crowley still meets him with honesty and forgiveness. 

And honestly, it breaks his heart to be lied to, but he knows the alternative solution would be no best friend at all. Under normal circumstances, Crowley could be patient. He could wait for Aziraphale to come to terms with their relationship almost for forever. But, shit hits the fan, and he needs to show Aziraphale that two of them need to stop dancing, stop being cryptic, and cut through the bullshit for once. 

Which brings me to the first Gif of this section. Take a moment, scroll the ridiculous amount up, and just look at the indignation on his face. in the earlier gif “Would I lie to you?”, he clearly consciously makes a point to never lie to Aziraphale, despite it supposedly being “the demon’s way”. Not in anger (like at the bandstand) not even if it’s uncomfortable (like when he’s criticizing Aziraphale for being so clever and so stupid), not even if the angel is (knowingly or unknowingly) hurting him with his lies. 

Crowley draws the line at tainting his relationship with the kind of lies Heaven tells, and the kind of disregard Hell tells.  Because despite the lies he’s told by Aziraphale, Crowley knows who he can trust, who he needs on his side, who he wants to spend the end of the world with, and it sure as hell isn’t Hastur or Beelzebub.  

Because at the end of the day, Crowley knows what the two of them share together.  One great way to see this comparison is to checkout @theladyzephyr ‘s meta on Crowley and his glasses. Because while he does let his guard down for Aziraphale (even if only drunk), his autonomy, his consent to wear/not wear his glasses is taken from in by Hastur in the above gif’s scene.  Aziraphale, for all his lies, does not cross the same boundaries as Hell does, and genuinely cares for Crowley. He shows remorse for his actions and is clearly just as hurt by his own lies as Crowley is. 

A Very Crowley’s Conclusion

But what does this mean in terms of his Honesty? Well, for starters, demonstrates that while he has the power to lie, and could lie to Aziraphale (functionally I mean) he chooses not to.

He might, every now and then poke him and partake in some friendly banter, but never is it mean spirited, not even when they’re both at their breaking points. His ability to lie but restraint from lying; his ability to deceive, but his choice to trust, sets him apart from the rest of the demonic mold.  

Quite honestly, He probably could tempt (like really tempt) Aziraphale to his side. He could manipulate and push the Angel into situations they both know he would be uncomfortable with. But, he doesn’t. He doesn’t become the abusive force Heaven and Hell have pushed on the two of them because that’s not how he wants or needs to cope with his loss. No, he needs an equal, not a lackey. He needs an equal, not a boss. He needs love, not control. 

It becomes clear that his loyalties have never (at least not in the series) been with Hell. Crowley doesn’t trust or care about his fellow demons. He kills one (permanently) and another (not so permanently) without hesitation. He defies (actively and with little regard for the safety of other celestial creatures) the desires of Hell, working with his bestie to ensure the world breaks even. 

Consequently, he’s creating a “third” option with Aziraphale. It is distinctly not a human space (neither of them is human). It’s is not heavenly or hellish, but space for them to be who they are, fight for what they love and feel safe knowing they are a team (romantic or otherwise). And it’s clear based on who he lies to and how he lies, that he’s not cut out for the Demon frenzy or the demon.

Their third space is what Crowley’s been working for since day one because Aziraphale is worth lying to others to protect and worth telling the truth to love. 

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[mangodid]

🥭DID/OSDD self care tips🥭

these are things that have helped my system function a little better and individual alters/all of us as a whole feel a little better:

hygiene:

if you experience memory loss, it might be hard to remember if the body's hygiene has been taken care of. trauma also makes it hard to do these things for a multitude of reasons. you might want to try using

* oil-absorbing sheets. these are usually around a dollar and come in a pack of 70 ish. using these will help you break out less when you don't have enough energy or motivation to wash your face. there are ones infused with things like vitamin e and green tea as well!

* dry shampoo. if you have curly hair i recommend getting one with charcoal in it. charcoal works for oily hair as well. the brand igk has good ones. they come in big bottles and are reasonably priced for the size. it's better than batiste for sure and caters to more hair types.

* mini flossers. it's better than nothing at all and some are flavored. you can do it lying down, watching tv, whatever, since they're small.

* change your clothes often. if you forgot whether someone showered or not, you can at least feel fresh by doing this.

* moisturize. lotion keeps your skin hydrated and softer and can stop acne if you get it on areas other than your face because it combats dryness. moisturize your face as well. if you are prone to breakouts use an oil-free sunscreen. wear sunscreen no matter if you get sunburns or not! there are clear sunscreens or ones with brown tints that don't leave white marks on dark skin. sunscreen can also fade acne scars.

regarding trauma and emotions:

* let go of the things that trigger you. lets say one alter who is a trauma holder feels sad and depressed all the time. these alters who formed to process specific emotions and trauma might not be able to feel many other feelings on the regular. if they listen to mostly sad music try taking a break from that. delete triggering songs from your playlist and listen to others that have a different tone. remember that purposely triggering yourself is an act of self-harm and not healthy.

* rate your discomfort. if you go above, lets say 7-8, or above knowing that something you're about to do will make the situation worse, then give yourself a break. are you self reflecting too much? do you feel like you are on the verge of a breakdown? try to step away from these feelings once you feel they are getting unhealthy and out of hand. try to do things that will lower the number, such as watching a not triggering tv show.

* if you don't know what to do, do what is the most beneficial first. (this also works for adhd) have you not eaten in 2 hours but not showered in a week and feel like you will absolutely die if you don't wash your hair? showering will bring you the most comfort, so do it first.

sense of self:

since you are sharing one body it can be hard to find your sense of self. this is a common thing especially in OSDD. it is just a symptom and cannot be fully changed but it is possible to become okay with it. here are some little things you can do

* wear products of your favorite scent (if you can handle scents that is. make sure they aren't a bad sensory input) if each alter has different products in their favorite scent it can help you feel more like yourself.

* wear a certain small accessory such as a ring or carry around a small item that contains significance to certain alters.

* a lot of posts like these just recommend to buy clothes that each alter likes but let's be real that can be really expensive especially if you have many alters. what we do is try to focus on particular colors or buy basic everyday clothing that might have a specific aspect certain alters might like. for example a normal t-shirt but it might have lace or embroidery.

* find ways to express yourself! i have an interest in writing/media/art in general but the others not so much. just because this is the case it doesn't mean you don't deserve to have your own interests. having sideblogs of your own can help. im shamelessly linking mine @mangohija

* trauma, depression, and other mental illnesses can really harm your sense of self and make it feel like life is just going past you. it is important to realize that you exist. you are a person just like everyone else. you have likes and dislikes and interests and thoughts and hopes just like everyone else. this thinking made me realize that just because i'm a part of a system and working towards better functioning does not mean i should neglect the fact that i am a human, nonetheless one split from trauma, and deserve to enjoy life. (of course if you're an alter that is not human this goes for you as well!)

if you can think of any more feel free to add!

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Sorry about this rant. I wrote this early on today, saved it to go do something, then never got back to it. I’m posting it because I hate deleting after wasting time writing it.

 In case you are wondering, the day did not get better. I ended up cutting brush (something “useful”) instead of going to the woods. The flies would have gotten me either way....

So you wanna know what kind of day it is?

 It’s a day where after just three hours of sleep you start discovering new things you need to worry about, things start breaking, and even tiny things go wrong. All the bites, injuries, and other physical aggravations are, um, aggravated. You discover that the power company cutting trees near powerlines did some  damage, which isn’t technically “a problem” but is upsetting. Even your pets are in a grumpy mood. And then, when you try to call the one person you have to vent to, they are too busy to talk today, but you end up discovering new reasons to worry.

Obviously the thing to do now is to take a walk in the woods and temporarily escape all the troubles.....

Except the deer flies are swarming. Step out of the house and get eaten alive.

***sigh***

I’d wish I’d stayed in bed if I had the luxury of actually doing that.

No, seriously, anyone that can spend a day being non-functional I envy. It must be lovely to know you have someone that will check you are still alive and temporarily take on some of your responsibilities if you are starting to crack.

 Even in the old days, I never got to stay in bed all day when I was sick. If you want to eat, you’d have to go get it. If you can stand to do something, you’d do it. If you were really bad off you could rest, but the only way you did that all day was if you were at death’s door. It’s just the way we always were. We’d help each other, but everyone expected to keep going until we dropped. You do as much as you can take, and you push it as far as you can. 

 The day after a wreck that gave me a concussion, broken ribs, and smashed elbows I was home alone, but I didn’t rest. I spent my day feeling horrible, but still, gently as I could, unloading a trailer full of stuff that had been in the wrecked pickup, cooking a meal, dragging a small boat up the driveway, and so forth. No one was making me do it, but I knew these things needed doing, and technically I could. Resting felt lazy and neglecting what needed doing, and that’s knowing that my folks would be back that evening. 

But now there are no folks to get things done if I can’t. What I don’t do doesn’t get done. Back then, of course, the idea of staying in bed for emotional reasons would have been unthinkable. 

The family wasn’t cruel or anything, but emotional difficulties were supposed to be ignored or contained before they got in the way of doing things. You can get over it if you just want to, you don’t have to be weak, there isn’t anything wrong with you but you aren’t trying hard enough, there is no point in giving in to your feelings... I don’t mean you couldn’t cry or rage. You could express them, but that was it. Express but don’t indulge. You didn’t have to fake being happy, but you also couldn’t stop. 

I guess they were always ashamed if me, quitely, unspoken, a sad regret and exasperation with me. Oh, generally I was always a “keep going” person too, but that was with physical stuff. Chores to do, difficult tasks, problems to solve... Social things were different. 

Stuff happened in kindergarten. Bad stuff. And school proved total hell. I changed in several ways, dramatically and suddenly. Critically, I’d been a fearless extrovert and and I became a frightened introvert almost overnight. 

Yeah, nowadays parents would probably see my changes as something to be concerned about. They would wonder what had happened to me. But back then it was assumed to be just a shyness phase. I was being over sensitive and needed to tough up. “Obviously” I would if I just wanted to. 

So I ended up the one member of the family that didn’t just “get over” emotionally upsetting things as easily as I could injuries or illnesses. I could always push past fear or pain when the problem was physical, and I’m still great at that. Anxiety around peopling, however, could stop me. I have the distinction of being the first member of my family in generations to not graduate college, but not because of any lack of intellectual capacity. My stress around people, humans being FAR more dangerous than any rattlesnake, should have been something I could defeat, but instead it defeated me. 

You know, I’d sometimes say how pathetic and weak I’d been because I’d let myself be broken in elementary school. Mom would roll her eyes and say I’d never broken in my life. I could never get her to understand we were talking about different things. She was talking about my willingness to go against the crowd and defy those in power. She was thinking of the me that goes fearless when guns point at me, who insisted on giving a speech/rant about how the school system must change (did it? Hardly) instead of the expected Valedictorian glop, and nearly took on a cop for kicking a cat. 

Those are the easy things. The big things. If it involves something I consider morally and ethically wrong, if it involves abuse or bullies, if it involves anyone so much as attempting to force to compromise my beliefs I forget to be afraid. Defiance and resistance are almost intoxicating actually. To confront an enemy and refuse to yield to their threats or violence can make you feel strong, even as they erode you physically. TBH, I wonder how much of what allows people to become martyrs is just the brain going “FUCK YOU” to a force that wants them to reshape their soul. 

You know, it’s probably good I’m broke and live in a town of less than 500 people. I’d probably have gotten myself killed at a protest by now. 

The smaller things get me. The normal things. The things others shrug off or never even notice. Send me against an army, but don’t send me into a store with no customers and an eager salesperson ready to “help”! 

So as far as I am concerned I am the coward, the weak and broken one, the one that knows she should let nothing stop her but then fails. The fact I am unfliching with things others fear means nothing when things that hardly bother “normal” people terrify me.

Anyway, to get back to the point, emotionally screwy as I am, I have always tried to keep going. 

Relentlessly bullied in school I’d still get up every damn morning and go to that hell hole. Once a year I’d have a sort of “break down” day in the spring, and I’d run off into to the woods and hide long enough to miss the beginning of classes. When I did that my parents never made me go, and we wouldn’t really talk about it. I’d just help Pop out in the shop the rest the day, and it would be back to school the next day with a note saying I’d been sick. 

And I guess that was my equivalent of staying in bed. Well, except with out the bed or getting to not do anything. Because no matter how miserable I felt I had to get up and be useful.

Back then if I honestly couldn’t do something it would still get done. Mom or Pop would take care of my chores if I was too sick or hurt, if my ingrained sense of responsibility would allow me to let them. Theoretically, if I could shut off my instinct to do, and ignore the family expectation that I try to do, I could have stayed in bed. It’s the beauty of having people that love you.

But now I’m alone. I have to get up or the animals don’t get fed. I have a multitude if things that need repairing or taking care of, including living in a literally collapsing house (the House of Usher I call it)  I have to cook my meals and do my laundry amd wash my dishes and....I really hate doing those things. Well, Iove the animals, but the rest is either overwhelming and complex or boring and tedious. No one will help me. 

So now I spend a lot of time fantasizing about staying in bed all day. I dream about having someone just honestly care and offer a hand they don’t pull back when I reach for it. I daydreamed one day about someone checking on me, amd finding me sick they insist I go to bed while they feed the animals and fix me soup. I started sobbing when I thought about it, a fantasy as unrealistic for me as trying to imagine imagine how you will soend your fortune when you win the lottery. 

The people that have a cushion of love, be they friends or family, don’t fuckin’ know how lucky they are. I understand, because once upon a time I had people that loved me too. Just because we tried never to use that cushion doesn’t mean it wasn’t comforting to know it was there.

[one-piece-dumpster-fire]

Here for the request x3 (And you're welcome dear, keep up the good work !). So, as I said, I have anxiety and depression, and I just stress everytime there's someone coming home.I would only trust Daifuku, and I need hugs to feel secured. I never say when I'm feeling bad, always putting others before me, and breaking down if I have too much pressure. I would definitly cheer for him, saying he's the best and all. But I am protective and can get easily scared/angry. Good day !

Awww I wanted to get this one out last week already, sorry that it took so long :(! This is basically a ‘first of its kind’ kind of thing huhu, since match-up’s are usually handled differently on this blog xD But I’m excited to try this out! Hope you’ll like it, my dear friend❤️

Lionenda and Charlotte Daifuku- Match-up Headcanon!

as weird as this relationship may seem to most 'normal' people, unusual romances definitely aren’t a rarity in the Charlotte Family! But did Daifuku ever think that he might fall for a woman so much younger and smaller than him...? No. Is he proud of himself for it? No. But here you are, and he actually can’t help but be glad that you are his. You’re one of the few people that can truly make him feel wanted and special, which is a major reason as to why he’s so attached to you!

it definitely takes a while until the pirate grows used to his ‘duties’ as ‘boyfriend’ and officially having you as ‘girlfriend’ though. His confession probably wasn't the grandest either, so he's actually a bit suprised and sliiiightly overwhelmed that you want to be with him. (And thanks to his immense jealousy, he might even come to doubt it sometimes. This man needs a lot of reassurance in the beginning!)

Daifuku can be harsh and somewhat irascible, but he definitely tries his best to control his temper as good as possible when he’s around you! It was per accident that he first found out about your more sensible nature, probably by snapping at you out of habit, which he then instantly came to regret. The last thing the Minister would want is for you to be uncomfortable or even scared of him, so this is definitely a habit he needs to learn to drop!

on the other hand, when there’s someone bothering you, Daifuku certainly won't shy away from completely getting into their face and being his usual, ill-tempered self again! He’s basically the humanization of the ‘asshole to the world, but sweetheart to his girl’ meme lol

because of your anxieties, it’s possible that he’s a bit too protective at times and might even shield you from the outside world as a result. Daifuku himself doesn’t really notice until you tell him that you haven't left the house in a few days, mostly because he wanted to make sure that you were really 'safe'

he is also trying to be a bit more gently with you, especially considering the enormous difference in height- it's a mandatory thing for him to always make sure that you can keep up and stay close, occasionally he’d even have his genie carry you to make things easier.

luckily for you, Daifuku being so large also means that you'll have a lot to cuddle with! It's another thing that the pirate would need to get used to first, but given your affectionate nature and love for hugs, it's bound to rub off on him as well- even if he wouldn't want to admit it. He’s quite the sucker for physical affection to be honest

there is a side of him that longs for recognition, and having you there as his biggest fan definitely means the world to him! His ego may be a bit big sometimes, but around you he can drop his attitude and just relish in your eager worship of him!

but unfortunately, being a part of the future Charlotte-in-law circle also means that you are automatically subjected to a lot of weirdness and extra attention. Especially from the younger children or those who might be around your age- which might not sit right with you all the time if you’re no people person. If Daifuku knows of that then he’ll make sure that any uncomfortable encounters will be toned down to a minimum, and sometimes he would even stay by your side like a protective bodyguard to make sure that none of his siblings get under your skin

most importantly though, the big bean wants you learn to put yourself and your own health before others again. While it’s a very noble trait and he secretly admires you for being so kindhearted, there is nothing Daifuku hates more than sitting by and watching you neglect yourself as a result. He knows that there isn’t really much that he can do (other than offer you his support and affection) but goddamnit, how can you love and care for him if you can’t even do it for yourself?!

[attractive-but-illegible]

hiya! q from an incoming maroon (will i get to start college at college? idk) i chose uchi for the rigor & intellectual atmosphere, but im a lil nervous ill absolutely lose my mind and forget to do human things bc of the stress of classes & research & internships. do you have any tips for maintaining a healthy balance at uchi? (fyi: v much a humanities person, but i also ♥️ theoretical science and got a’s all around thru hs, so im not 100% balanced but im decent w #s)

Yo! First off, congrats to getting in to uchicago, it's a tough school to get into! You should feel very proud of that. Secondly, I'll be honest – there seems to be a big difference between the experience of humanities/sosc majors versus STEM majors. I'm humanities, and I didn't have any trouble maintaining a healthy life/school balance. My STEM friends, however, were under a lot more pressure to overperform. That isn't to say that STEM ppl at uchicago can't have a stress free life. I think it's just that the culture of the departments is very different. There's this expectation that STEM ppl will pull all nighters and brag about how many hours they spent on one lab report, but that kind of culture doesn't really exist in humanities and social science departments as much. So if you're a humanities person then I really wouldn't worry about it. The overall atmosphere is much more chill. Another important thing to remember is that YOU get to choose the intensity of your academic life. You have the option of taking 3 or 4 classes every quarter, so if you need a break you can always just go down to 3 classes for a bit. And I'll be honest – you can also just choose not to care as much. I didn't care if I got C's in classes that I was only taking for the Core (so like, science and math that had nothing to do with my interests) so I didn't stress about them as much. Granted, I still stressed about them, but what I'm saying is that you don't have to throw yourself into that culture of 24 hour grind. One thing I will say though is that in a way, being a straight A student in high school will be a disadvantage. Why? Because you WON'T be a straight A student at uchicago. No one is. I was an A's and B's student in high school (with an occasional C in math bc i suck at math) so when I got to Uchicago, I was already used to getting less-than-perfect grades. My BFF was a straight A student, and she had a mental breakdown the first time she got a B in college. What I'm saying is, you just have to get used to the idea that you won't be getting straight A's anymore, and THAT'S OKAY. Grades are just letters! Seriously, they're so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that you're learning and enriching yourself. In terms of making sure you still have a normal social life, here are some things I'd keep in mind: - Do stuff with your house! It's so easy to take a break from homework and walk to your house lounge for the weekly movie night or whatever and is so good for your mental health. - Join extracurriculars. Just try out anything that sounds interesting. There are a lot of awesome RSOs on campus and they'll give you a lot of cool things to think about and work on that aren't homework or class. - SLEEP. GOD DAMNIT, FUCKING SLEEP. I am so sick of the glorification of self-neglect in academia. Don't listen to people who brag about pulling all nighters all the time. Make getting at least 6 hours of sleep a priority. If that means you don't completely finish your homework, so be it. It's not the end of the world. - Get out of your dorm room! Studying in the libraries or cafes is great because it reminds you that the outside world exists, and you'll often run into friends! This has been a long and rambling response but I hope it answers some of your questions! Feel free to message again if there's anything I didn't cover here. :) And good luck in the fall (provided that we can actually like, you know, go to school).

[some-cookie-crumbz]

Can we please have a continuation of the small fic where Keith and Pidge have adopted the baby Galra? I really loved that one

Oh my goodness, absolutely! I wanted to do another part for this one so bad!

Minor Trigger Warning: Racism, Implied Abuse/ Neglect of a Child, Small Smidge of Sad Times

They hadn’t been planning to spend as long on Nuestow as they did; especially considering the blowout between Keith and Gizo about the fate of the half-Galran orphan. However, the planet had been in desperate need of real attention; countless buildings had been destroyed, there were tons of sick and injured, resources were incredibly scarce, and the current governmental figures were still on shaky terms at best. If it were up to him, they would have ducked back out to Earth with the baby at the first chance they got. However, it was clear he and Pidge were still needed here, to help get things in order. For as much as he wanted to be selfish and give them a taste of their own medicine, he knew that it wouldn’t be fair to all the innocent lives on the planet that didn’t know about the baby.

They had agreed to give it two weeks’ time before heading home. They figured that would be plenty of time for things to be gaining some positive momentum.

In that time, however, they did have the chance to learn a bit more about their new baby and what, exactly, he’d been through. The blood work came back confirming he didn’t have any life-threatening illnesses, but upon a second examination they found he had a pretty nasty infection in both his ears and was severely underweight. “To be this small,” the Blade medic explained, starting to prepare some vaccinations for the little tot, “is a sign of more than just neglect for the two days we have been told about. I’d be willing to wager that the village was limiting how much food his mother was being allotted, which affected how much milk she was able to produce for him.”

“That’s disgusting. What is wrong with these people?” Pidge hissed out, her hands shaking a bit. Keith looped an arm around her waist to pull her a little closer, trying to offer her some comfort. She offered him a small, grateful smile before reaching out to gently stroke one of the infant’s cheeks, her smile widening when he looked over at her and gurgled eagerly.

“Not many in the galaxy are fond of Galra. Sadly, to them, it does not matter if the ones they harm are infants; if they are any portion Galra, they are seen as deserving of scorn,” the Blade answered, tone mostly calm but with just the slightest hint of resentment in their tone. The rest of the little doctor visit after that went by well aside from how upset the baby got over getting his vaccines. They were given some drops to put in his ears to clear out the infection, a small sling for each of them to carry him around in, as well as a special type of formula that should help him put on weight a bit faster. The medic also explained to them to feed him as often as he felt necessary, but to keep the feedings to a specific ounce amount. “He is very small and needs to put the weight on, but doing it to quickly could make him incredibly sick. Multiple, smaller feedings should do the trick, though.”

The first few days after that were difficult, though.

They learned very quickly that the little guy hated his ear drops and would start losing his little mind when it was time for them. It was most likely because of the sensation being foreign and weird and scary to him, not being big enough to be communicated that it would help. Giving him his medicine, despite how necessary it was, left them both feeling like bullies. And then, when it came to feedings, he would get panicked, too.

Those were the really difficult moments.

He would chug his bottle down, frantic and eager. Every time it was taken away so he could breath, though, he would start shrieking, releasing the most terrified, heart-wrenching wails either of them had heard. It was as if he was afraid that he would never get to eat again. After those first few days, he slowly seemed to settle into the rhythm of everything. He still got fussy when the bottle was taken away, but he didn’t get nearly as distressed as before. He seemed to have some understanding that he would be fed as often as he needed.

Then again, the two of them had needed a little bit of time to adjust as well, so it seemed fair.

Getting up to check on him through the night was the first big change to adjust to, and that job normally went to Keith. He was a lighter sleeper than Pidge was, so the slightest cry or distressed sound would cause him to wake up. Sometimes, though, if he was particularly tired, he’d nudge her until she jerked awake to take care of the baby. More times than not, though, the little guy ended up getting brought back to bed by either of them. He seemed to like being snuggled, so it helped him fall asleep again easier.

The biggest relief to Keith, though, was how quickly Pidge and the baby took to each other. There were still moments of uncertainty or discomfort for her, but she was already fiercely protective of him.

After a few days, Keith and Pidge realized that they would need to approach the subject of a name. If his mother had already named him, they would need to find out what it had been, wanting to keep something for him to remember her by, when he was older. When he reached out to Faluma, given she had been the more civil of the duo, she informed him that the infant hadn’t been given one. “Infant survival rates are not what they could stand to be for us,” she admitted, “so we began a trend of only naming our offspring once they reached an age where they can be part of a hunting or gathering patrol, as a form of limiting the amount of grief a family would experience. I doubt that it would have been given a name, assuming its mother had survived, though. If it is common amongst humans to name theirs so early on, I believe you would be fine to give it one, if you are so inclined.”

Pidge had looked about ready to deck the other woman over her refusal to acknowledge that the tot was, in fact, a living creature, but Keith had simply given her a swift thank you and gently ushered his wife away. The last thing they needed was further breakdowns regarding communication between themselves and the Nuestrian. Once they were far enough away, Pidge let out a furious huff. “I can’t believe these people, seriously! ‘If you are so inclined’ my ass! He’s our baby now and he’s getting a proper name!” she huffed. She then paused to look down into the little sling, tied off over her shoulder, at the small infant inside, curled up with one of his little feet in his mouth. He blinked when he noticed attention shifting and gave a little gurgle around his foot. She giggled a bit. “Is that some good foot? Very tasty toes?” she cooed, reaching in to lightly pinch the hand holding his foot in place.

He squealed, letting his foot drop, and babbled baby nonsense at them.

“I’m thinking that’s a yes,” Keith chuckled. A small, comfortable silence followed, in which Pidge fished out a tissue from her back pocket and wiped the drool from the baby’s foot. “You should pick his name.”

She jumped a bit in surprise. “What?” she asked.

“You should pick his name,” he repeated. He then reached into the sling to gently push some his unruly curls out of his face. Maybe he should start carrying a little comb when he was watching the infant. “I mean, obviously we’ll talk and agree on his name, but I think you should be the one to figure it out.”

“What if I told you I already had one in mind?” she asked. He blinked in surprise and she offered a sheepish smile. “Well, I was looking up names online the other night, because I thought that it was pretty likely that no one would know what his name had been. I wanted to make sure I was prepared!” she insisted.

He laughed and shook his head. “This is a judgment free zone, you know. I’m glad you were already thinking about this,” he said gently. “So what name was speaking to you?”

“Noah. He looks likes a Noah, doesn’t he?” she said, indicating him with a nod of her head.

They both glanced down to find that he had pulled his foot back into his mouth. “I like it,” Keith said, reaching in to gently tug his foot back out. “Man, he really does think his toes are yummy!”

“Formula will just never compare now,” she lamented playfully before looking back down at him. He was giggling and playing with Keith’s fingers now that they were in reach, so much more alert and energetic than when he’d first been found. “I was thinking Miles would be a good middle name.”

“Noah Miles Kogane… I think it’s a good fit for him,” he hummed.

The rest of their time on planet was relatively uneventful. They took turns watching after Noah, deciding who would take him based on who was taking care of what responsibilities that day, and started using his name immediately. Pidge made sure to correct every single Nuestrian they encountered that tried to refer to the baby as anything that wasn’t his name or a distinct ‘he’. He had to admit he got a kick out of watching it all go down; especially when it all capped off with Pidge telling Gizo quite bluntly where to stick his opinions.

It had taken all his self-control to not flip the bird at the other as he joined Pidge and Noah on the ship to start the course back to Earth.

That was when they realized they didn’t have any of the things they’d need for him when they got home, or a room prepared for him. “Well, we can call my parents,” Pidge suggested, settling into her seat with Noah bundled up in a blanket, little face pressed into her collarbone as the little guy dozed in and out from a nap. He’d had one final check-up and round of vaccinations earlier that morning, leaving him rather distressed and then, once the shock subsided, completely tuckered out. “They know where we keep the stash of emergency cash, and I’m sure they could get a nursery put together for us in the three days it’ll take us to get home.”

“Good point. Here, I’ll take him while you make the call,” he said, walking over to her. They moved him carefully, making sure to be careful with his legs, where his shots had been administered. Once the baby was in his arms, Keith settled into his own seat and made sure the tot was comfortable, smiling as Noah burrowed into him with a little grumble.

Pidge smiled as she watched them herself, putting in the contact information for her parents. After a moment, the screen flickered to life with her mother’s face. “Hello, Katie. You two heading back?” she asked happily.

She nodded. “Yeah. Sorry we were gone for so long; this place needed a lot of help and we had a lot going on,” she said with a small laugh. She glanced over at Keith and Noah again, smile widening when she picked up on her husband gently humming to their new son. “If you and Dad don’t mind, we actually need a little favor.” she said, turning her attention back to the screen.

“Of course. Want to come home to some fresh, clean bedding for a good night’s rest?” Colleen teased.

“Not quite. We actually need one of the spare rooms spruced up for this little guy,” she said, adjusting the holo-screen so that the view was on Keith and Noah.

A gasp came from her mom, covering her mouth with her hands. “Oh, is… Is that a…?” she trailed softly.

“His name is Noah,” Pidge answered, turning the screen back over to herself. Her mother’s eyes were wide and a bit watery, a bit of concern and disbelief in her eyes. “I’ll tell you the whole story once we get home, but… Well, you’re a grandma now.”

Colleen opened her mouth a few times before swallowing hard and nodding. She looked like she wanted to say something, but cut herself off, instead seeming to compose herself. “We can get something put together,” she said slowly after a moment.

“Thank you,” Pidge said quietly, a bit hurt by her Mom’s reserved reaction. She’d been kind of hoping that she’d be excited about the latest addition to their family.. In the background, she could hear the door leading to the garage creaking open and shut. After a moment, Sam’s face peered over his wife’s shoulder, smiling when he saw his daughter on the screen. “Hey, Dad. So, you guys know where we keep the emergency funds, right?” she asked.

“Hey there, Kit-Kat. What’s going on?” he asked.

“I’ll explain later,” Colleen said evenly, glancing up at him briefly, before turning her attention back to Katie. “And yes, we do. You want us to get the full works?”

“Yeah. Oh, and when we land, if you could meet us back at the base, that’d be great. We don’t have a car seat in the car and we want to make sure to get him home safely,” she explained.

“Car seat?” Sam parrotted, tilting his head. Pidge smiled and turned the screen again so he could see Noah and Keith, hoping for a more enthused reaction from him. Keith perked up, one arm still securely wrapped around the now sleeping baby, and offered a small smile and wave with the other hand. Her father looked stunned as she turned the screen back over to herself. “Okay, so definitely need a car seat.” he said after blinking again.

“Mmhmm. We can figure out picking out car up if you guys can just get the car seat and put it in your car,” she said. They briefly discussed everything and figured out the rest of the plan after that, with the Holt’s planning to meet up with them when they arrived at the Garrison base with the things they would immediately need for Noah. Once the call was ended, she slumped back in her seat and looked over at Keith. “Do you think they’re excited?”

He blinked in surprise at the question. “I’m sure they are, but they’re just focused on helping us get things set up. They know how important it is that we have everything we need him, after all,” he said, trying to be reassuring.

“Do… Do you think that they think it’s too soon after… You know?” she asked quietly, pulling her legs up into her seat and hugging them close to herself.

He blinked then frowned. “I think they’re just getting focused on getting things done,” he said, carefully adjusting his hold on Noah so he could reach out and take her hand. He gave a little squeeze, smiling when she moved her own hand out to meet him. “I’m sure it’ll all work out; especially when they get to meet him.”

She nodded, seeming to take some comfort from him, if not entirely convinced. She seemed even more concerned when they received a message from Sam and Colleen, explaining that because they had some last minute details to finish up, they had installed the car seat in their car for them and left a winter outfit with Iverson for the tot. They shuffled out of the ship and into the lobby, where Iverson led them back to his office so they could get Noah dressed properly. Pidge couldn’t help but smile when she saw that a matching outfit had been left for them; a little grey onesie with penguins on lawn chairs on the it, and one last penguin on the butt of the long pants.

They learned just in the trip from Iverson’s office to the car that Noah didn’t like his little boots. He nearly pried them off at least five times. The drive home was entertaining simply in how fascinated the baby was by everything. He let out excited and energetic little noises at the snowy landscape outside, which had them both giggling. Keith was glad to see it seemed to have perked Pidge’s mood up, as she turned every so often to watch Noah’s reactions.

And then they received the shock of a lifetime when they walked in the door.

“Welcome home!” The congregation of the Holts, the Paladins, Krolia and Kolivan shouted the minute they walked in the door, a bright blue banner reading “It’s a Boy!” dangling over their heads. They both jumped in surprise while Noah visibly flinched before letting out a short, scared little squawk.

“Oh, we’re sorry baby boy! We didn’t mean to scare you!” Colleen gasped, hurrying over and gently reaching out to the tot. She stroked his cheek and made quiet, gentle shushing noises to help calm him down. “Oh, you’re such a handsome little guy! It’s nice to get to see you in person.”

Pidge blinked then let out a small laugh. “Uh… What’s all this for?” she asked, looking around. She could already see a little high chair poised at the kitchen table, as well as what she knew had to be baby toys laid out on the carpet.

“Well,” Colleen trailed, making grabby hands towards Noah.

While Pidge carefully handed him over, Samuel walked over, setting a hand on his wife’s shoulder and beaming at them. “We figured the little guy needed a proper welcome. He’s a Kogane-Holt now, so we gotta get him used to what that means, you know?” he mused, waggling his fingers at the cooing infant.

“Be careful with him; once he decides he likes you, he’ll cuddle you into oblivion,” Keith warned playfully as Krolia approached as well.

She and Colleen both looked at him, their eyes bright with excitement. “You don’t say?” Krolia hummed as Colleen adjusted him, grinning at him.

“Oh, you’re gonna love it in this family, then! You’re gonna get so many cuddles, you won’t know what to do!” she cooed, leaning forward to give him little Eskimo kisses. He let out giddy little gurgles, as he was prone to doing when he enjoyed something.

Pidge smiled before looking up at Keith, reaching out to take his hand. He met her gaze, smiling back, and squeezed her hand. He gave a small tug to pull her into him as the other crowded over, everyone eager to meet their son. He could feel the tension leaving her body as she seemed to find comfort, knowing they had made the right decision and things were starting to turn up for them again.