#because she just does not care. bodies are disposable. they dont matter to her. one replaceable shell after another

[featherymainffins]

Like uuuh this usually just happens the same way my usual character design "Blond Long-haired lanky fanatic with elements of nature" happens.

But sometimes, in the fashion of Hell Portal Hospital, I make a character who is totally fucked, and since they're totally fucked they're usually malnourished and underweight. And sometimes if they end up not being fucked (not often), they gain some weight. And it isn't even a trope I'm aware of, it just...happens. The same way the aforementioned blond lanky lunatic just keeps happening.

Watch this:

my DA:I Inquisitor: actually the freshest case of this but the easiest to explain. A classic case of "Testosterone could have saved him." Adabdo of clan Lavellan (fake name Solovyov) is resentful, mean, prone to destroying others and herself. She's a moose with chronic wasting disease. She's a vampire bat. She doesn't stand for anything, doesn't believe in anything (ok she DOES have some unhinged political beliefs but the specifics are irrelevant), she says whatever is the most convenient. She doesn't really care if the world burns and while she admires capacity for violence, she also considers everyone as capable as her a competition and a threat. She feels horrible and isn't sure why. She feels vengeful and full of hate and doesn't really get why. She doesn't take care of herself. She's skin and bones; a rabid animal that wants to bite and tear and dominate. But then Adabdo realises that he's a guy and as he gets more comfortable with himself he kinda...chills out. Not 100%, of course, but he does go "Actually my hatred towards the world as a whole may have been a bit too strong. Also perhaps I shouldn't be fantasy-racist. But I can have a liiiiittle bit of fundamentalism. As a treat." And he dusts off his hair and lets it grow out and he's no longer a walking dagger aimed at your heart, and he ends up being...well not fully plus-size I believe, but he's probably at the higher end of the "healthy BMI" range. He's normal now and feels ok in his body and he's comfortable with himself and doesn't feel the need to be a walking talking razor.

one of my Hazbin Hotel OCs: Yeah ok so I initially forgot about this one because I thought about the OCs for like 5 minutes and then went "Damn I kinda...don't care actually." And I'm much more obsessed about my Dungeon Meshi OCs now. But uh yeah I technically speaking have several OCs and one of them is Dolly, who got into Hell for being a cannibal, but honestly good for her? Because she has a bit of a Lisa DBD thing going on, like she killed and ate her captor, who was starving her and abusing her. And then she killed and ate anyone who came to investigate. Which I guess may have been a little uncalled for but uh you know, why waste good meat I guess??? Iirc she has always been plus size though, like a lot of bodies react to food scarcity by making as many energy reserves as they can, so idk if she's actually an example of this. She's a capable woman who is deaf but can play the lute because she learned the theory and she really likes to feel the vibrations of the strings. People tend to underestimate her due to her deafness, which she utilises to her and her girlfriend's advantage (oh yeah she has a girlfriend, Frilled Shark aka Frill, alive name Agatha; a loanshark who's trying to erase her past and make it into something that never was; she's stuck in everything she never was and fights against the current of time)

Chatterbird Corporations: Ok this is complicated. So uh Chatterbird Corporations actually features several characters with various body issues and/or identity problems. But the one who is an example of this specifically is Thomas Dallaghan. Dallaghan's whole deal is that he's a big guy but after Chatterbird starts abusing him, he falls into a depressive stressed-out slump and loses a ton of weight. He's severely underweight for most of the story, since Chatterbird is alive most of the time. But whenever she is out of the picture, he gains at least some of his weight back. So for him, his weight is directly tied to his mental health. Which is completely lost on Chatterbird because she has never noticed anything that wasn't strategically advantageous to her. I think Dallaghan might actually develop an eating disorder later because I think that'd be fucked up. But idk. I feel like there might not be time for such down to Earth problems. We're solving the ship of Theseus and the question of what makes someone a human being and if that is something you should want in the first place. Like get in the car, loser, we're discussing at what point copies of one person become two separate people and if it happens by fate or by choice. No time for eating disorders in this place.

For some reason I cannot place, yesterday I was convinced that I wrote a particular trope 3 times but I'm pretty sure I did it twice, not 3 times???

What does yesterday me know that I don't???

[thevoidcannotbefilled]

Its been a while and I dont remember it well, what happened with the w359 finale?

Ooof okay. To you and the other anon here’s my answer. I’m not blind myself, so if I say something out of line, please tell me and I’ll make correction. But here we go: 

Dr. Miranda Pryce was introduced in the final season as one of the main big bad villains of the show. She’s an AI specialized who created Hera, who we already know put the thought of “You’re Not Good Enough” in her head in order to control her. As we hear more of her, we learn that 1) she has a habit of punishing/abusing AIs in order to control them, even revels in it, and 2) she is willing and for the fun of it, used her technological abilities in order to essentially turn the crew on her ship into brain-dead soldiers, not quite dead but only living bc of her machines like human puppets. She also uses said technology to 1) torture information out of Eiffel’s brain and 2) turn everyone else into puppets. 

Overall the impression we get of her: She is a scientist who uses technology in order to control people in whatever means necessary because she finds the ability to control and change people both satisfying and amusing. 

Now, I set this background up to 1) remembering what happened in W359 and 2) the impression we get of this character. She is not sympathetic nor is she trying to be. And that’s fine! You don’t need those type of characters all the time, especially since W359 is FULL of characters that join our side after realizing they’re being used or help the team in one way or another because of sympathy. 

But then, we’re also told that she has cybernetic eyes. And at one point, she losing full sight in them after they were destroyed in an explosion that Eiffel caused. I won’t analyze up to this point how Pryce’s blindness was treated in universe. Again, I’m not an expert and there would be a lot of more subtle nuances I would be missing if I tried to analyze the writing. The only questionable part is having a blind villain when no other character other than arguably Hera are disabled. But also, again, I’m won’t make a fuss for the writing up to that point. 

HOWEVER WE GET TO THE FINALE AND OH BOY. 

The finale starts with a speech from Pryce. Summed up? Pryce was a blind orphan girl who was treated badly because she was blind and was creepy for making “dolls”. She then was recruited by Cutler in order to make AIs and eventually, get the technology to copy people and to change humanity in a way that in their eyes is “better”. IE: turning people into perfect puppets for them to control. 

Okay, lot to unpack there: 

1) In the speech Pryce repeatedly calls herself broken. In fact, describing herself as a “broken girl” when she was picked up by Cutler. Yes, the speech wasn’t literal and was meant to be like she was telling a story, but that doesn’t mean that it makes it any less ableist. No, it does not matter if the blind character is the only who is calling herself broken, 1) there are no other blind characters to counter that, 2) none of our heroes countered her, and 3) may I remind you she is 100% a villain. This means “I was blind and treated awfully for it. I wanted to change the world bc I was mad about I was treated and then went full dictator on things with less power than me” is one of our VILLAIN’S backstory. Idk if they were trying to have some humanity in her or what, but it does not work. This character is too far gone to make sympathetic especially in your finale episode. And if they weren’t trying to make her sympathetic, they were straight up saying, “This character felt so broken by how she was treated and her blindness that she used her skills in order to manipulate and hurt others for my own gain”. That just straight up demonizes blind people. It’s bad writing at best and straight up ableist at worst. 

2) This one is more subtle, but the general idea of technology being used to make people’s lives better, especially enhancements to the body being framed in a negative light has ableist elements in it. Because you know, technology isn’t the issue, it’s what people use technology for that’s the issue. For example, there’s a scene where Pryce is working on her eyes while someone else is in the room. The other person found the idea of talking to her while she didn’t have both eyes in unsettling. Ergo, the message is “cybernetic eyes are creepy”. In reality, technology that can be used to replace body parts, especially tricky things like eyes is so good!!! It shouldn’t be required to have, of course, (Some blind folks don’t mind being blind and people should always have control in regards to what happens to their body if it only affects their body!!!) but having the choice to repair your vision if you’d like is AMAZING. But the show sort of frames any sort of technology as invasive and inhumane. Another example, only the main villains have body modifications. Cutler made enhancements to his body to make it faster and stronger (which makes sense in character), but also with it, the implication that having body modifications makes him less humane. 

There’s a running theme in the show that humanity is a choice, a messy choice with messy lives, but one you make. With that, while the villains are human, they lose their humanity by not caring about others. Which good!!! Excellent theming!!! But, in Wolf 359, the villains also make body modifications to themselves, and only the villains. This builds on the long and tired trope of things like canes, braces, artificial limbs, and other similar things are a sign of villainy or inhumanity, as if adding these elements to yourself modifies your humanity. Which, just isn’t the case. This is especially strange in this series because we have an AI main character who struggles with being treated as human because she’s an AI, but definitely sees herself  and wants others to treat her as a person.

This is especially disappointing because the villains’ plan is to reshape people and make them “better”. Cutler’s plan is to turn humanity into mindless puppets for them to control. It’s a natural conclusion from “being utterly disposable when necessary” to “you’re being kept around because you’re useful” to “you’re useful, but we don’t care about your humanity, so we’re taking away all your humanity to control you”. You didn’t need the other stuff with the blindness and the implication that body enhancements at all to make this point. 

So, I won’t go on for longer, but TLDR: Wolf359′s finale has a blind character not only call herself broken but also has her be one of the main villains. A villain who doesn’t care for other’s boundaries and repeatedly uses her technological skills to modify others without permission. There are also undertones within the series that physical modification in general is creepy and invasive without nuance.  This could have easily been avoided within the narrative because most of this was added either within the final season or within the finale itself. That’s why parts of the final season and especially the finale are ableist. 

(If I’m overstepping, please tell me, and I’ll reblog additions/edit the post as necessary. This is meant to be an explanation because I got a few anons about it). 

[crawgluvr4]

(warnings: flashbacks of csa, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.)

ana invents the drift within a year of the start of the crisis, contracted by first the egyptian military and then the american, to help them chase a pipe dream. 

something as big as the kaiju to defeat them. something out of a movie, a giant robot capable of safely dispatching the monsters. a familiar tale. they do not say why they need human pilots but it has a lot to do with human judgement and also propaganda. she obliges because the world is on the line.

ana invents the drift, allowing two people to share the neural load of piloting a machine hundreds of times their size. concurrently, the US government plows through five hundred disposable soldiers and get two worth using. she meets them once before the test and she is surprised at how immediately she finds herself caring about their wellbeing. she tells the doctors that the drift will not discriminate between current and past thought, that all memories and thoughts will be shared, and the two soldiers must be aware of this. it’s a huge risk to their health. the doctors nodded their heads and agreed with her and said of course and yes and they fully understand the risks. and she, young, foolishly trusted them to put empathy before efficiency. to put care before brute force. 

neither man enters the drift knowing the burden of it, neither are prepared for the overwhelming surge of memories that will occur. telepathy is a vague concept. you tell a soldier desperate to save the world, one of two of five hundred that survived a procedure designed to make them untouchable - you tell him they’ve invented a telepathic method of controlling something capable of destroying the monsters decimating the world and he will go for it. they both do. no matter what, they would have agreed. 

but it would have been nice to know what was coming. 

gabriel takes right and jack takes left. the helmets have not been refined yet and the neural gel is sickening and it takes jack longer to learn to breathe in it than they would like. ana is as ever the only one concerned for them and uses all the threat she can muster to give them time to adjust. she knows if this is successful she will have much less weight because she legally will have to sign over her research, but they will still need her. for efficiency. 

they’re both nervous but this is before they know anything, so gabriel comes across as cold and focused and jack comes across as confident and a bit arrogant. it's the surface personality each will maintain throughout the rest of their lives until the jaeger explodes in the mediterranean sea. gabriel does it because he wants people to trust his judgement, and jack does it because he wants people to believe in him. it's a roundabout method to the same goal; something they always manage to do. 

jack gets used to breathing and gabriel cracks a smile through his otherwise stern facade, which makes jack nervous in a better way, because he’s not quite acknowledging that he’s basically in love with gabriel. which is fine, because in the past three months since their briefing on the jaeger mission he has been practicing deflecting his thoughts so gabriel wont read them, something he is now uncomfortably good at. this will later be a fatal flaw of his - deflection. not thinking about what needs to be thought about. when drifting becomes refined jack will immediately master the ability to deflect and wall off thoughts and memories, and as such become a template for an ideal drift partner. but for now he is twenty-one and still really truly believes that despite how the government has treated him in the past year that they are telling the truth right now. 

ana's hands tremble as she sets up the machines for the handshake. she has no idea what is about to happen because she is nearly twenty-four and probably the most sensible person in the world right now but her mistrust is not yet enough either. she will regret ignoring the voice that tells her that, despite barely knowing these men, she should talk to them herself about the danger. 

gabriel gives them the all clear. jack watches him and follows suit a moment after. ana inputs the command to initiate neural handshake and says “neural handshake initi-” and doesn’t get to finish it before the computers go wild. 

when you enter the drift there is two seconds of silence as the minds sync. if two pilots are incompatible enough the drift will drop and nothing of importance will be shared, just a moment of disorienting silence. when pilots are compatible, this period is the calm before the storm. after the drift is developed properly people will be trained to think slowly. when overwatch scrabbles itself together years after its fall the training will be largely abandoned in lieu of efficiency and jack will think about the irony of this first and pass the thought onto gabriel. as it stands they have two seconds before jack suddenly thinks “what-” and the memories follow like the tail of a comet. 

what happens is this; two decades of memories, of things neither had ever intended to share, of memories forgotten to their mind, are shared in the span of twenty seven excruciating seconds. 

gabriel sees:

his father come in from the fields and he’s angry so angry because one of the machines broke down today and he won’t take it into town to fix it because he has some sense of pride or something and he knows by the look on his mothers face what his father is going to do, to vent his frustrations he takes a knife and starts cutting up the trees in the forest but then feels so bad he breaks down and cries. the way his fathers hands are only ever used to hurt to scar and to molest. the way the fields look like when it’s night and you stare from the crack of the barn door and try try as you can to leave your body and leave what is being done to you here. his sister’s silhouette on the porch. don’t forget to write.

which makes no sense because as long as he remembers gabriel has lived in the city. 

jack sees:

a loving family that accepts their son when he comes out as their son and cannot understand why he tries to kill himself when he's sixteen, and when he leaves for the military they still dont understand but its the same thread. don't forget to write. he doesn’t write and he doesn’t talk about his relationship with the much older girl his mother was so fond of because she was so polite to her face despite the cruel things she would say to gabriel about her. about how nobody in his family was really there for him, just her, and when she tells him he’s so mature for his age and how good he is in bed for his age he can only take it as the compliment a child feels it is. and he can only blame himself so desperate he is for a different kind of validation and then the guilt of not finding his family’s support enough and seeking it elsewhere drives him off the edge and he can still feel it, the horrible drag of metal through skin and muscle and veins. the way his mother had held his hand and said please don’t die, and two years later the same words as he leaves california behind because how can he tell them he can’t bear to be around her? 

which makes no sense because jack has never visited california and has never even seen the sea.

this is what the drift is. the holder of each memory loses ownership of it to the space between them, involuntary, unbidden, every scrap of pain they have ever felt flitting back and forth between them until they aren’t sure who started with what. in twenty seven seconds both receive the others lifetime of trauma imparted without will or consent, and unable to look away. and worst of all are the things that they had tucked away, forgotten long ago but still stored in some unreachable part of memory - 

gabriel holds his mothers hand at his grandmother's funeral. in whispers he hears his uncle say: why is she here, she isn't even her real kid. and his mother stiffens and goes silent but gabriel is aware she is crying, quietly. but he is young and knows nothing and she is just mourning, after all, mourning her mother. he doesn't see that uncle aside from at big family gatherings and while he is ostracised loosely otherwise in this memory nobody disagrees with him just tuts and tells him to stop that it's not the time or place. his mother is the youngest child and always was the odd one out of her siblings. 

jack remembers before his mother stopped caring and before his father turned to sexual abuse of them both; and they’re at some shopping centre he never did learn the name of and there’s a manmade river cutting through the the centre. there are swans with their babies and jack is holding his sister's hand very tightly and his mother has one hand on his shoulder and says honey you have to learn when to be gentle and when to be firm. know when you're hurting other people. and he loosens his grip and she does not tumble into the river and there are two cygnets and two parent swans and jack thinks what a happy family. the next day his father will push him up against the wall in anger because he is seven and forgot to tidy his room and his mother will argue with his father but also tell jack to try to behave more. 

so what happens is: gabriel sees what jack saw, and jack sees what gabriel saw, and it takes twenty seven seconds before ana hits the emergency desync (because she does not understand what a random access brain impulse trigger is yet) during which time it feels like they are both reliving an entire lifetime. 

jack's first coherent words once they desync are “please, i'm so sorry, please, please forgive me” although it takes a lot of effort for the medical staff to parse this. 

gabriel understands immediately - because now he knows exactly how jack reacts after panic - and jack knows gabriel’s silence is not cruelty but dissociation and that he can't say anything when he is barely in his own body. 

a week later gabriel will ask jack for his forgiveness as well. years later they will almost find it absurd. something to look back on as the start of something better, maybe, just handled so poorly its almost comedic. they understand then that neither of them needed to apologise to the other for what was done to them and that at least they learned good things too, at least they learned how to protect other people from ever experiencing that again. 

but right now jack is retching and the medical staff are checking gabriel for brain hemorrhaging because it's the only real risk they know to check for. physically, he is fine, though pulse elevated and breathing somewhat shallow. the trauma is mental. ana is screaming at the chief medical officer who is fired on the spot despite receiving direct orders to push the pilot testing asap. ana will feel responsibility for this for the rest of her career, going above and beyond friendship for the two men whose trust she feels she irrevocably broke. 

they don't even think about her, in this moment, all but alone despite the swarming medical and military staff. they are still thinking another man's thoughts. for twelve seconds after the end of the drift the psychic link remains, and though it's a messy swirl of disgust and panic and horror, there is one coherent thought: i'm so sorry you understand. 

[mousehole5000]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

[rewrentless]

Taz Balance Quotes

I have no idea how long ive been working on this, between 2 and 7 months but finally ive made a list of memorable quotes /quotes that made me chuckle

-Any you driads down to clown

-That was my grandfathers haunch

-Everyone needs a barry bluejeans!

-You shouldnt had your dog jump up my ass! I dont think my dog could fit in an ass! You havent seen this ass

-Eat me barry

-If you were making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you dropped some jelly on the counter are you gonna take a knife and just start cutting at it you dumb son of a bitch??

-she thinks my tractors sexy and i think im no longer welcome here

-hello hello welcome to my caev

-abraca fuck you

-hey you calm the fuck down sir theres no yelling at fantasy Costco!

-its like a bag of holding but for ass

-merle i can see 3/4 to 4/5 of your entire butt

-the railsplitter passes through the tree like a baseball bat passing through a ghost

-youve solved my shrek puzzle

-a witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word i have to attend to their every need and that word is my fucking name jenkins

-infinite bean!!!

-i got a murder wall in my brain!

-time-pon! The time travelling tampon!

-lord steven q fletcher esquire the goldfish the third

-'yeah he really beat me in a test of wits and wagers' and winks at taako over and over just winking

- hey baby i love your tendrils

-i got here a few minutes ago and i can not take my eyes off you i looked at you across the square 60 feet away and i said do not be chopping on this baby

-you and the box both drink poison and you survive but the box has died. With that the box pops open

-does everyone get that i have an elevator fetish at this point?

-griffen we gotta fight some weeds at floor 20!

-my names not jerry its ... jerrieeeeee

-but listen guys now i gotta take a poop, you know like a poop like a real emergent poop

-'your name ... of course ... is... taako. Sike thats just mine say my name!' i cast magic missile

-so youre sayin we eat him

-youre all beautiful butterflake snowflies

-im actually a mongoose meow

-and inside the envelopes there is  200 gold pieces  ‘thanks for these shitty jangly envelopes’

-i hand her a coupon for one free backrub

-magnus this is the nightmare scenario

-hot diggity shit that is a baller cookie

-i made you guys chairs for your new digs and if you lift up the cushion it doubles as an indoor toilet

-davenport read the room!

-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm davenport

-i start to very subtly and very easily cry

-last time i was in an elevator vines tried to eat my dick

-the late merle highchurch rolled a 5

-’youre a god!’ I definately am

-youre not stupid youre beautiful

-its kinda ridiculous how many pies we got our toes in

-your mother would swaddle you young taako baby taako and just sing to you oh shit sweet flip oh dip sweet flip my little nugget

-god liiiieed to me

-magnus can kiss my kenny chesney tattoo

-you found her?!

-hey thug whats your name im about to tentacle your dick?

-if travis cant move his legs then i shall create his legs!

-im just an elevator climb on in ma belly!

-press ma buttons from inside a me

-if you wanted to lure me in there you shoulda stayed handsome ma fella

-'i tap it with the gluttons fork and i swallow it' 'what the f uck'

-ive got to switch between different accents to trick my prey

-when that day comes little man oh when that day comes i will summon whatever powers i still have at my disposal that you have not sipphoned away from me and i will take all of my canny and all of my cunning and all arcanas still within my reach and i will use it to strike you down little man

-dungeons and dragons and daddies

-fantasy shorts fantasy shorts fantasy shorts fantasy shorts!

-i cast zone of truth!

-junebug

-this chair smells like grandmas

-this scene is memorable to you now but in the moment you werent thinking im going to remember everything about this moment

-inifate bag of boys

-if it had flesh then it would be a bag of skin full of fucking goo

-"how do you not have a six it comes with every board game?" "My daughter..." "eats them for power??"

-because in wonderland... there is no healing (shit eating grin)

-liches get stitches

-son of a lich

-you built the fucking door out of wood shit wood

-bad luck

-ill be having my body back you undead fuck

-sturdy. denim. and blue

-i have updated my list of people i trust and things i believe to no one and nothing

-those are the arms that have held my wife

-i cant fight i cant protect i cant do anything in this body

- i saw seven birds

-the twins, the lover, the protecter, the lonely journal keeper, the peacemaker and the wordless one

-i dont know but i feel like i trust you

-dont let them erase me magnus

-how could you forget lup

-nerd alert!

-greg grimaldis you owe me $15 and i aim to collect

-i have to believe that im gonna get those $15 back from greg fucking grimaldis

-the one thing we do have is the thing that people in love rarely ever have enough of and its time

-I dont know about in love its only been... 21 years

-are you my friend?

-what brings me joy is... life. I think you can find joy anywhere in life i thibk its a concious choice i think you choose joy in life and no matter how bad things are no matter how crummy no matter how dark no matter how many times some guy named john kills your ass you find joy. I’ve found joy, honest to God, getting to know you. I’ve found joy playing chess with you. I have enjoyed - i haven’ t enjoyed you know, getting my ass killed, but i find joy in whatever I do. I don’t always do things right, and I don’t always do things smart, and I don’t always do a character voice, but whatever i do, i find joy in it. Because at the end of the day, that’s all you got. It’s looking back on the joy you had, and the joy you found, and the joy you gave other people 

-soon you will call us ascendent

-kiss my ass you sanctimonious bastard

-huh. I feel sad

-its not perfect but its the best i can do

-our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives and with each moment we spend with those people but too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favour of others and by the time we realize just how importnat it is we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with but the seven of you have something that nobody else ever had time all the time in the world time enough to grow indescribely close time enough to learn how to care for each other how to allow yourselves to be caref for and in the case of barry and lup time enough to fall deeply and truely in love

-there was romance in every measure and longing in every note

-have we not earned a little wrath?

-i made it

-you are my heart you know that right?

-sometimes there arent right decisions sometimes theres just decisions

-when someone leaves your life those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying others are abrupt and unfair but most are just unremarkable, unintentional clumsy

-back soon

-who?

-taako kill me

-you fucking took everything from me

-understand this, i have nothing and i don’t give a shit. The world is ending and i don’t care

-phantasmal and resplendent

-youre dating the grim reaper?!

-ill take one taco with extra destiny

-i tell the trees when to shed their leaves and i make every piece of fruit taste the way that it tastes and i taught every blade of grass in the ground where to grow did you really think i had forgotten about you?

-im not your pan but you will always be my merle

-i run over and im already kissing him this is ridiculous

-I want to warm up my face i dont want it to be cold and weird

-whats up ghostrider

-i met god no big deal

-lets save the world and 420 blaze it

-hear that babe? We’re legends

-youre going to have to fight and… youre gonna win!

-you hear it now too dont you? The song is now yours, just as the story has always been yours and with this final piece your understanding of these impossible events is complete. Like i said before, youre ready now, darkness surrounds you but be not afraid, after all youre going to win, we know that much but that is the limit of my knowledge. Youre all caught up now, whatever happens next, well, we’ll just have to find out together

-you boys know the best of the fantasy costo? Free samples

-we won

-youre going to be amazing

-it takes time as all difficult and important things do, for the world to recover from what was done to it that day. But it does recover, and not just that, it thrives. 

-im about to smooch your fucking brains out babe 

-one small criticism, i think you may have forgotten to make it taste good

-‘youre kinda full of dog shit sometimes’ thats what it was i forgot i did include dog shit

-i should mention my boyfriend is death

-if you will all excuse me i have… to shit

-i tried to make you proud

-we see you one last time as magnus rushes in

-even happier days were to come, because that was the world that you made, that was the ending you earned

[bloody-delicious]

Hi, I was wondering if I could have a match up if you are still doing them? I have long brown hair, green eyes, an average body type not to chubby not to skinny. I like peace and quite but can get a little loud when I’m with friends or people I trust. I am compassionate and always try to see from other people’s point of view. I also am EXTREMELY anxious, hate loud noises and extroverts. I adore animals and nature and love for things to be organised and tidy. I absolutely loathe mess. Thanks :)

I match you with: norman bates!

• norman has always been a timid boy. a mommas boy, always in the shadows of the old Victorian house, creaking the stairs as he brought soup to his mother upstairs, sitting at the dining table alone in dim light, gazing out at the darkness, penetrated by the fast moving headlights of cars speeding down the highway like shooting stars in the night sky, the heavy rain tapping so eagerly on the window. norman was raised to listen, to appreciate how his mother knew best, to keep to himself as he always had. he knew of life outside of their little world, but he grew to fear it. this was home, why would he want to leave? he loved it here. the outside was cold and ruthless and it would eat him up and shove him down six feet deep. and life at the bates residence went on, until that day that it all fell apart. when his mother didn't wake up, he thought she was still sleeping. she was sick. she's still sick, he would think, as he moved her to the basement and laid her to rest. this will be nice for her, some peace and quiet. and peace and quiet they both received, for many pleasant days and nights. that is, until you so abruptly came into his life. into their life.

• the day that you arrived at the bates motel was a downcast, gloomy sunday. gray clouds rolled across the abyssal sky, soft rain pattering on the roof of the old building. he remembers your headlights flashing through the window into the darkness of the lobby, casting light over his shadowed figure. your quiet disposition almost seemed to him as a mirror of his own demeanor. green eyes looking up at him, the shuffle of scheduling papers and the scritch of a ball point pen, shadows casted over an unfamiliar face that simultaneously appeared all too intimate. small talk that echoed through the empty halls of the motel as he showed you to your room, two shadows lurking amongst the darkness while the tears of the heavens fell down the windows and the angels released sorrowful cries, falling from their eden in a violent burst of light that pierced the night sky. he saw your clammy palms when the world above rained its pains down to the souls that lived below. he saw the jump, the twitch, with each of the sky's screams. he remembered when used to lie awake at night as a child, listening to the wind howl and cry, the rain weep with all the sadness in the world. he stole a last look at you as your form retreated into the darkness of your room, appearing to blend seamlessly with the black. green eyes locked with his as you turned to shut the door; two shadows gazing at each other in the world to which they both belonged.

• norman will never be the one to make the first move. he is afraid of his attraction to women, and has adopted his mothers own persona to "cope" with these feelings of love; after all, he believed the only girl a boy should love is his own mother. due to this, he is painfully polite, respectful, and reserved around any women he encounters. should he adopt any affections for a woman, such as you, he will not address this inner conflict, rather, his mother will be sure to protect him from these temptations and promptly dispose of the devil insuing them. be on your guard, because while norman himself is truly a sweet boy, his mother, or at least the mother he has conjured, is a greedy god. be true with your feelings, but allow no opportunity for sabotage. the norman you see may be flustered by the attention given to him, but the mother you dont will surely react to your actions. still, do pay some mind to mrs bates. when she enters your room in the dead of night, a thirsty grin upon her lips reflecting in the glint of the knife, welcome this lamb into the lions den. you will be scared, terrified, at what you see, but you must refuse those fear gnawing at your bones, you must stand firmly and defeat the one you love. because you can and will do it, and it is the only way you can hope to free norman from himself.

•daily life with the boy from the bates motel is mostly uneventful. seeing as you both have your fair share of anxieties, the two of you confide in each other and remain in the safety of those cream walls so far away from the hell that rages just outside the door. norman has nightmares and panic attacks, horrid episodes of particularly bad anxiety and depressions that often cause him to weep silently, laying on his mothers bed in that old victorian house. norman does not want help from the outside world. all you can do for him is stay. you understand him, you comfort him as his mother once had, you love him in a way he now understands that a woman can. stay. when he wakes from his night terrors, hold him tightly as he grips your arms with white knuckles, sobbing violently into your chest. when he shakes uncontrollably, when his head is so filled with everything that he cannot even walk, he cannot even speak coherently, stay with him. stay with him as he will with you. neither of you are well equipped to care for each others illnesses, but the love is there, that tender, soft, all consuming love in a world so cold and hard. both of you will have your moments that even love cannot conquer, however, but you will find your way back. you always do. and norman would not have it any other way. he savors the time you spend together, almost wishing the two of you could stay in that motel forever, just being in each others presence. he does not wish for company, he does not wish for children. you see, in this relationship, norman depends on you in a sense similar to that of a mother and son. he has not recovered from his loss, and most likely never will. he needs you and you alone. he is in no state to care for a child when he is unable to even care for himself. he cannot take on that burden, and you most certainly will not be able to raise a child on your own. your relationship may seem odd in this sense to others, but it hardly matters. love has begun to grow and blossom in the cracks and crevices of the old bates motel, and it is beautiful.

[riobastayem-blog]

Dream Diary 2

A lot of my dreams are about sex or perverted things. Which is not surprising since I am a young virgin man and these are the dreams I obviously enjoy the most. But sometimes sex is not all that happens. The year is probably 1920 or whenever there were a lot of gangs and mafias around. That´s right. I am part of a mafia gang. I am not very high up but my ambitions are. One day I will have my own gang. Maybe even lead this one. Until then I have to do some dirty work. But I don´t mind that. It makes this life less boring.  Like every good criminal organisation our enemies are not only the police but also other gangs. And one of them has wronged us. Badly. I don´t know what they did. And I do not care. The boss said I had to kill some thugs so I obey. With my car that will be considered vintage in 80 years I arrive at the adress I got. I turn the radio off and get out of the car. I look around while straightening my suit jacket. Nobody is around. Everyone is at work. I like to do my killings while there is still light outside. People don´t expect that.  I check the weapons in my pockets. A pistol with one spare magazine and a medium large knife. My confidence thinks I do not need more than that.  I head to the building across the street and walk in like I own the place.  The door was unlocked so why not. Careless thugs I think to myself.  The hall is dark and quiet. I walk upstairs. Another quiet hallway but this time a lot of light shines through a narrow window. I walk up to the window and close the curtains. Wouldn´t want anyone to see me, would we? I take out my pistol and the cardboard note I was given. Room 7.  Standing in front of the door to room 7 I take a deep breath and circle my head to ease the muscles in my neck. Showtime. I kick down the door and immediatly fire my pistol into the room.  Luckily I actually hit someone in the chest. He falls to the ground and his compadres yell and storm with drawn weapons in my direction. Man that would have been awkward if I had been given the wrong room number and just gunned down some 60 year old granny. The first of the other thugs enters the room and prepares to shoot at me.  I throw the cardboard note at his hand the the gun cocks to the side. I shoot him between the eyes and jump at his falling body to use him as a shield against the next guy. But that one holds a shotgun and because I am not confident in the thickness of my meat shield I push the dead man against the alive man. The dead man and the alive mans shotgun drop to the ground. That alive idiot actually tries to pick up his weapon but I shoot him in his reaching hand and then his screaming open mouth. The alive man is now dead as well.  Nobody else enters the room so I go into the next. But before I can take my first step into the hallway a baseball bat hits my face. One of these thugs not only tried to ambush me but also succeeded.  I drop my gun. Idiot. Always hold onto your weapon no matter what. The third man, a bulky dude, swings his bat at me again. Are all these guys stupid? Why dont you shoot me with one of the guns on the floor? I was stunned long enough.  I catch the bat with my left hand but didn´t expect him to be so strong. I get down on one knee and that idiot shows his teeth with an evil smile.  He wants to swing at me for a third time but my hand still holds the tip of the bat.  He tries to jerk the bat out of my hand and I use the help of his strength to get back on my feet. I let go of the bat and before he can swing at me again I pull out my knife and ram it into his throat. As he drops to the floor I pick up my pistol. The information I was given stated that there are 5 people in this apartment but so far I only killed 4. Expecting another ambush I sprint and jump through the doorway low enough to evade another bat to the head. I land hard on the floor and quickly turn around to shoot at whoever my second ambusher would be. But nobody lurks in either side of the doorway. Maybe the last one is hiding.  Since I have devastated the kitchen / dining room the only ones left are the bathroom and the bedroom. Killing someone on the toilet has always been a dream of mine so I check the bathroom but it is empty. That means the last thug has to be either in the bedroom or out getting groceries.  I´m hoping for the former. I kick open the bedroom door and have to hold myself back not to shoot. The last person is not another thug. It´s a woman. A beautiful woman. Not saying that women can´t be thugs but well. Wearing a red long dress and no shoes she is lying on the bed with lustful eyes. But behind the lust I can see her fear. I mean, who wouldn´t be afraid in this situation?  Can I help you? She whispers trying to sound confident. I lower my gun and she seems to relax a bit. You one of them? I ask. She nods. No use in denying. I nod as well and then put my gun away. She looks at me puzzled. I´ll take out the trash first. I explain. And then we will see what to do about you. Dont try anything funny. Except if it is an actual joke.  My attempt to lighten the mood falls flat. Typical. After I have disposed of the bodies I return to the bedroom. She is still there. So what now? She asks.  I sigh.  How about we fuck and then see where things go? To my surprise she agrees. After an intense and totally appropriate time of sexual intercourse during which she does not try to kill me like some other former partners of mine I stand again dressed in front of the bed. She helps me button my shirt and I say. You should lay low now. I won´t kill you but someone else might. Maybe just stay here and I come visit again. She laughs and I smile. Finally. And this turns out to be the beginning of a beautiful love story. She acually stays in the apartment and after I repaired the damage the thugs - not me - caused we have a very loving relationship for a month or so.  Not only is she hot but smart as well as I assume from the heap of books she reads while I am not inside her. And on our one month anniversary she gifts me her favorite book. I thank her with a big kiss.  Suddenly someone knocks on the door. Who could that be? A neighbour? Someone the boss sent to give me my next assignment? I open the door and before my eyes have a chance to see who is there I receive a massive hit on the head and the sky blackens.  Bound and broken I wake up. I am on my knees in the dining room and 4 men are standing in front of me. They are thugs from our rival gang. Good job. Says one of them to someone behind me. My girlfriend walks into my view. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach. I stare in disbelief as she attempts to leave the room without any further explanation. But what is there to explain? I killed her friends and she used me while planning my death all this time. I shout after her but she does not turn around. And then she is gone. Look at him. He really thought they had something serious. Says a thug and the others laugh. I dont feel like laughing. One of them walks up to me playing with a crowbar in his hands. We´re gonna ask you some questions now and you´re gonna answer them. And then we´ll kill you. Sounds like a plan. I spit out some blood as he hits me with the crowbar across the face. Shut up! How am I gonna answer your questions if I shut up? His answer is a kick to my stomach. My face hits the ground as the air leaves my lungs. Get up!  I don´t get back up. He hits my back with the crowbar.  I don´t get back up. He grabs my hair and pulls me up.  His face close to mine. Now listen here- Before he can finish his sentence my face snaps forward and I bite into his nose. Blood fills my mouth and his screams penetrate my eardrums.  Let goooo! He cries. I hear someone else behind me and throw myself back hitting the man the second man in the stomach with my head. He staggers to the side and I use this opportunity to get on my feet and run into the bedroom. One of the men runs after me while the other one tends to the guy with the bleeding nose. Idiots never change. I think.  They didn´t even bind my hands behind my back but in front. I turn around and swing my bound fists at the surprised guys chin. He drops to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I get the knife in the bedroom and cut off the ropes around my hands.But I dont have time to rub my wrists because one of the thugs fires his machine gun through the whole apartment. I fall to the ground and roll und ther bed. Fuck these cheap walls. Can´t even stop a bullet. The fire stops and I roll up from under the bed and grap my pistol. That bastard put holes in all of our furniture. But I guess there is no we anymore. Anger pumps through my heart and I run back into the hallway.  The thug with the machine gun jerks back as he sees me. He hasn´t finished reloading yet. And as his brain tries to decide whether he should continue or drop it and fight me, my knife pierces through his left eye. I yank the knife out of his skull and duck as another thug runs at me swinging his crowbar. After repeatedly stapping him in the chest the swinging stops. Two guys left. But they are not as dumb as the others. As soon as I enter the kitchen they fire at me from behind the tipped over dining table. I jump back just in time to avoid the bullets. I wish I had a grenade. But then my eyes wander to the two dead thugs on the ground and I get an idea. I lift the bulky dude up on his dead feet and hold him in front of me. If there is a time for a meatshield it is now. Screaming like a maniac I press forward my blade in one hand and my shield in the other. The two surviving thugs fire everything they have at me but my shield does not break. As I hear the clicking of the ejecting magazines I drop my shield and jump over the table bringing down my wrath in form of a knife to the heart on one of them. The last guy hits me in the head with the bottom of his gun and my view fades for a moment then I let go of my knife, turn around, evade the next swing and bring my hands around his neck. Panic wells up in his eyes as he tries to kick and hit me to free himself. But I don´t even feel it anymore. His eyes roll upwards and his body shivers one last time. Then he is dead too. Air leaves my mouth. It feels like I was holding my breath for an eternity. I stand up and look upon the destruction. Fuck. FUCK. My fist slams into the wall but this time I feel the pain. On the ground I see the book. Her favorite book she gave me as a present just before my world broke apart. I really loved her but apparently she did not love me. That pain stings more than all of my bruises and wounds I have ever had combined. I look at the door. And then I woke up. So this one was a bit longer. Of course I tried to make it a bit more appealing to read but most of what I wrote happened in my dream.  That one was actually pretty awesome and after I woke up I knew I just had to always remember it. I also can imagine why I dreamt this. At least partially. I had this dream shortly after I saw the Mafia III trailer. But why there was that love story and all that I have no clue.

[airoasis]

5 Days Of Living Plastic Free | Try Living With Lucie | Refinery29

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5 Days Of Living Plastic Free | Try Living With Lucie | Refinery29

Im Lucie Fink and this week is 5 Days of dwelling Plastic Free. Hey every body, and welcome again to check out residing with Lucie. We’re back with new episodes this year, and weren’t gonna have videos a week this yr, however we do have an whole new season coming at you, so keep tuned. Im above all excited for this subject due to the fact its something that i myself had been diving into in my view over the final few months, and that is dwelling plastic free. If youre an avid are attempting dwelling with Lucie viewer, you might don’t forget that years back I did five days of no trash. I didnt produce any waste for 5 entire days and this subject of residing plastic free is kinda equivalent, but the essential change is that this time i am specializing in plastic.So why plastic, you would ask. Good, in keeping with a Refinery29 article, plastic takes at least four hundred and fifty years to break down, and a few doesnt ever spoil down. Ever. With the aid of the 12 months 2050, its estimated that there might be extra plastic within the sea than fish. In contrast to what I discovered from Spongebob back in the day, the smallest creature within the sea, Plankton, shouldn’t be absolutely all for consuming Krabby Patties everyday. However plankton are genuinely consuming the small particles that drift by means of the ocean. And in todays world, those small particles comprise microplastics. In actual fact, ground down plastics or small bits of plastics from matters like the microbeads in face wash. So the plankton devour the microplastics, then the better fish devour the plankton, and sometimes larger fish additionally consume better pieces of plastic, after which we as humans devour the larger fish.So the plastic that had been utilizing is slowly making its method back up the food chain, to us. Earlier than diving into this episode, I knew simply the girl I had to visit, Lauren Singer. Shes the zero waste guru who I featured in 5 Days of No Trash. Three years worth of trash, right inside of this jar. So on Sunday, I went to her bundle Free save in Brooklyn, and she or he helped to guide my five day venture. What Ive learned through this approach of casting off plastic from my existence is that I used to be making use of some distance more products than I truely wanted.Society form of tells us that we’d like 4 hundred things to appear and suppose our great, and what I realized is that thats no longer proper. I will have one bar of cleaning soap that i use for shampoo and my physique, i can have one face product. I can be more with much less. On Monday, we are going to focus on the kitchen and seem for objects that we can to find multi-use, non-plastic possible choices for. The kitchen is the discipline of my home where I in the beginning assumed that I used the most plastic. I sincerely had already made many of those swap outs months ago. However on Monday, I went through my entire kitchen to make sure that I was overhauling the whole lot. So pause the video, get out a pen and paper and write these swap outs down.Number one, cut out all plastic wrap and dangle wrap, and replace it with reusable beeswax wrap. The one that i exploit is washable, reusable, and compostable. Two, not ever use a plastic straw again. For those who love ingesting from straws, replace them with stainless steel straws. That is now how I drink. If you want to use a compostable paper straw, thats better, however just make sure youre no longer utilizing any plastic straws on the grounds that these are rather dangerous to marine lifestyles.Number three, stop buying paper towels that come wrapped with plastic or are themselves filled with chemical substances and rather use reusable rags or cloths to your kitchen. And number four, cut out all plastic meals storage containers and as an alternative use glass or stainless steel containers. If you want some recommendations of different kitchen swap outs, which you could change ice dice trays or popsicle molds with stainless-steel or silicone trays. That you could pick to make use of a glass blender as opposed to a plastic one. That you could making an at dwelling composting bin in your freezer so that they can lessen your want for plastic rubbish luggage. And one more factor you are able to do is eliminate your utilization of plastic cups, plastic plates, or any napkins that come wrapped in plastic. Many of the gadgets that youve already visible and are going to look within the leisure of this video came from package deal Free keep, and the first-rate information is they present international shipping, so for everybody out there that wishes to buy these items, Im gonna put a link to their keep in the description field.Start making a checklist for yourself, and as quickly as youre done gazing this video, begin shopping those zero waste swap outs. On Tuesday, have been going to center of attention on the place I started my zero waste journey, which is with personal care objects. I had at the start assumed that the kitchen used to be where most of my plastic usage was coming from, but because it seems, its certainly the lavatory and my private care routine. Even within the first thirty minutes of many peoples day, theyve already touched a plastic toothbrush, a plastic toothpaste tube, a plastic soap dispenser, disposable plastic razors, face wipes in plastic wrappers, dental floss in plastic containers, and the record goes on and on and on.So listed here are some plastic free swap outs in your toilet. Swap those plastic razors for a metal safeguard razor. Discontinue buying makeup remover wipes or single use cotton pads that come wrapped in plastic. As a substitute use a average make-up doing away with oil with reusable cotton rounds or reusable cotton face wipes. Eliminate all physique soaps, shampoos, and conditioners that are available in plastic bottles, and prefer physique soap bars and also shampoo and conditioner bars, or find shampoos and conditioners that are available in 100 percentage recyclable and refillable aluminum bottles. Swap out your plastic loofah for a ordinary bathtub sponge. No more plastic deodorant sticks. Instead use glass jars that have cream deodorant. Restrict all plastic dental floss containers which absolutely incorporate synthetic dental floss, and alternatively use one hundred percent silk refillable dental lace that is available in glass jars. And of path, say goodbye to your plastic toothbrushes and choose a bamboo one instead. If youre something like me, at the finish of this process, youre gonna have plenty of empty bottles and containers that you simply dont understand what to do with.I take advantage of the personal care and grace recycling application from TerraCycle which is thoroughly free. You simply comply with the recommendations on their internet site which in actual fact has you separate out the suitable waste which winds up being simply a lot of caps. Then they acquire it for you without spending a dime, and its made into new recycled merchandise. On Wednesday, were gonna take this to the streets and observe plastic-free residing out within the wild. So what are some hints and tips for humans who’re simply dwelling in the real world, they wish to be semi-typical people on the go, how can they scale back their plastic? The first thing that I think about is the right way to prepare.So if youre ready for your day, its a lot much less seemingly that youll come across a situation the place you dont have the instrument that you just want. My basic everyday tools are quite a reusable bag, my reusable espresso cup which can be utilized as a water bottle, after which I consistently have a bit of package of a fork, knife, and spoon with me and that helps quite a bit on account that if I do get food on the go, I dont have got to use a plastic set of utensils. I will use my possess and it feels lots nicer to consume off of bamboo or chrome steel than it does plastic. Its the going out and about part that makes residing plastic free extra complex for the reason that various the time, single use plastics are there for our convenience when had been on the go.For instance, if were on the transfer and we dont wish to carry meals with us we can simply opt for up food on the go in a plastic container and eat it fairly speedily using plastic utensils. If were thirsty on the go, we will just take hold of a drink in a plastic bottle. If were out there browsing on the go, and we dont have something to hold our new gadgets dwelling in, the store will supply us a plastic bag to place our stuff in. So these single use plastics are making things a little bit less complicated for us, but a whole lot worse for the planet. And surely, a whole lot worse for us too ultimately. So on Wednesday, I just tried to reside a common day trip and about without utilizing plastic. And then I came up with a entire record of matters that should remain prime of intellect for you if you want to take a look at residing plastic free on the go.First, convey your possess reusable cup around with you. Whether its for refilling water on the go or handing it to a barista and asking them to make your drink proper in it, Tip #1 is to literally by no means purchase a plastic bottle again except its an absolute emergency and youre gonna faint of dehydration. On Wednesday, I went to Dough, which is my favorite donut shop in New York city. I surpassed them my mason jar, I asked them to make me an iced tea proper inside it. And no straw, please. After which I received 4 donuts in a compostable cardboard box, and it was once a pleasant morning.Tip #2 is take reusable bags with you anyplace you go. That manner if youre shopping, you can at all times simply throw the objects within the bag and you by no means ought to get a plastic bag again. If youre a type of folks who normally forgets to carry the luggage with you, preserve them in rather handy places round your home. Under your sink, keep them round your desk at work, tuck them into the bottom of your backpack so you invariably have one when youre out and about.And if youre a relatively forgetful man or woman perhaps are attempting having the tote that you carry your telephone and your keys and your pockets in be a reusable tote bag that you need to use to place groceries and other objects in. Number 3, for foods at work, preserve a collection of reusable utensils on your desk drawer. Ive had the same set of bamboo utensils for 2 years now and that i just handwash them after each and every use. Number four, begin shopping in bulk instead of buying matters that come wrapped in plastic. This zero waste market package is from package deal Free and it comes with the whole thing that youre seeing proper here. And lastly, if in case you have any plastic luggage just stashed away at house from earlier trips to the grocery store, or if youre like me and you have got baggage of bags, simply deliver them again to the shop you got them from for recycling. And an additional tip that I already stated in 5 Days of Going Zero Waste is if youre ever eating out, ask your server or your barista to serve you your meals with out a coaster, and no serviette.There are plenty of tiny changes that you would be able to make. Matters like getting your ice cream in a cone as an alternative of in a cup with a plastic spoon, and even switching to all ordinary chewing gums that dont come wrapped in plastic and dont without a doubt include plastic themselves. Yes, most gums have synthetic plastics in the gum. The pleasant way to making these alterations is to identify the areas of your life where the alterations must be made. So making a plastic tracker. Any time you come upon plastic for your every day existence, jot it down and then begin making swap outs. On Thursday, good center of attention on plastic free and secondhand apparel. So can we speak just a little bit about what is actually occurring and the way rapid fashion is affecting landfills? So the typical American sends about seventy pounds of textile waste to landfill every year which, for all american citizens, thats about sixteen million tons of textile waste which is a significant quantity of trash.One thing that I do to restrict that’s retailer secondhand. Theres even condominium choices like appoint the Runway which makes it really high-quality and handy to get cool clothing without collaborating in this like single use rapid fashion culture. Speedy fashion is a primary drawback in relation to plastic. Ive in reality been looking to do an entire 5 day task round sustainable fashion, thrifting, and looking secondhand.So remark below when you wanna see that. But in the meantime, on Thursday I took one small step towards lowering my artificial microfiber pollution. In case you havent heard the term rapid trend, it refers to development chasing and low cost clothing thats produced fairly quickly via mass market shops. Im very guilty of purchasing these clothes considering the fact that number one, theyre adorable. And two, theyre low-cost. But on top of the negative working conditions for the makers of this clothing, most of the textiles and artificial materials utilized in speedy fashion simply dont ruin down. Thankfully, in line with a Refinery29 article, the fashion enterprise pendulum is establishing to swing toward the desire for more aware clothing. And even as theres still an extended technique to go, a few matters you can do right now are: quantity one, start shopping for garments which can be made with recycled materials.Quantity two, when youre completed with garb, rather of throwing it away, donate it. And then if you wish to substitute those objects on your closet, change them with secondhand gadgets. And number three, while you order garments on-line, to find on-line stores that offer plastic free cargo choices. One other tip is to scrub your garb much less most commonly due to the fact for those who do have artificial apparel, each and every and every time you run that washing computer, youre releasing extra microplastic particles into the ocean. As a substitute, simply are attempting doing spot contact-u.S.A.By hand to the areas that have to be cleaned. On Thursday, I went by way of my closets and that i donated two baggage of garb. And every time Im in a position to top off these items, in poor health be shopping at a secondhand retailer. On Friday, good talk about whatever that makes me particularly, relatively excited, weirdly. Which is a plastic-free interval. Durations! Im getting a bit of bit personal now, but it surely in order that happened that on Friday, as I was capturing this episode, it occurred to be that time of the month for me. And generally, throughout my interval id be using a tampon with a plastic applicator or a type of panty liner pads that has a plastic piece that you simply peel off to make it sticky.I know that there are cardboard tampon applicators and organic cotton tampons, but on Friday I wanted to head all in, no pun intended, and check out the least wasteful choice. Menstrual cup. Menstrual cup. What is it? How do you utilize it? So a menstrual cup is a bit silicone cup. Its about that tremendous. And also you basically squeeze it in half, after which fold it again. And you simply insert it inside you, and it opens up.And it has 4 little holes that create a suction within you and acquire blood for the duration of the direction of the day. You empty it a few times a day, or however traditionally you feel you must. Then you rinse it with some natural and organic soap and water, and you set it back in. On Laurens website trashisfortossers.Com, they perform a little math equation that indicates in the event you purchase this kind of and use it for ten years, intent its good for up to ten years, as opposed to utilising healthy cotton tampons for ten years, how much money youre saving.And that you can literally retailer 1000s of greenbacks. I think its $1640.00. I certainly redid the math, and its $1640.01. O.K., this it. Ive bought my menstrual cup. And Im about to move put this inside of me for the first time ever. Whooooo! I did it! I did it! What an experience! K, to be able to be wholly sincere, it was once now not the simplest thing on this planet to do. I had to put a reflect down there and rather compare the entire area. However I took my time, I comfortable somewhat, and eventually, I got it in simply exceptional. Should you select to make use of pads, which I often do at night, simply substitute your plastic package panty liners with reusable natural and organic cotton panty liners. I ordered these two from package deal Free save. This one is for typical undies and this one is for a thong. Theyre biodegradable, they usually also compost naturally once youre finished using them. And what have you learnt, 5 days later and Ive enormously decreased my use of plastic in my house and my existence frequently. If all people in the market did this, consider of the confident results that it might have on our wellbeing, on our oceans, and on the entire ecosystem of this planet.If youre the type of character thats continually pondering, "well Im only one man or woman so how would I most likely make a change?" just suppose about all the individual folks in your life that you would inspire when you made these small alterations. And its all about that chain response. Plenty of folks believe that inquiring for what you need when it comes to plastic free possible choices, makes you appear or believe weird. I wish to feel about it in the whole opposite manner, I feel that its super empowering and funky to have any person appear at you in a weird approach while you ask them to position something in your mason jar. And as opposed to internalizing it as judgment, I prefer to feel of it so that you can educate the humans around me. Its a fairly robust role to be in.Im hoping this video conjures up even just one individual in the market to make some changes, so remark under if that man or woman is you and optimistically we can save some marine creatures alongside the way. Mwah! Sending a lot love from the big apple to all of you around the globe. Comment below and let me recognize what 5 Day assignment you wish to have to look me are trying next time, and well see ya then on are trying residing with Lucie. Bye! Hello YouTube, thanks for looking at my 5 Day mission. Click right here for an additional five Day undertaking, correct here to subscribe to Refinery29 on YouTube, and here for my private YouTube channel. See ya! .

[ecotone99]

I'd die for you

I first met Urvashi during class 6th of our school. We were classmates. she was kind and bright, but above all she was willing to be friends with someone plain and boring as me. I loved her. But I was alright with never confessing my feelings to her, because i hated the fact that we may not be friends anymore. my parents lived far away from me so most of the times i would have dinner at Urvashi’s house . That day i went to Urvashi’s house to help her cook a feast for her moms birthday. But I was careless, i left the recipe book close to the stove and it caught fire. The fire soon spread through the whole house.

“My mom is still in there “, Urvashi kept shouting but the firefighters wouldn’t let her go past them. Soon the whole house fell to ashes.

“This is all my fault” i thought to myself.

All kinds of things were said at the funeral, that how Urvashi had only her mom after her father had left them , and now that she had also left her , she no longer had anyone left.

“ im really sorry” , i said in a sobbing voice.”its all my fault, if i had paid attention , nothing like that wouldve happened. I know ill never get your forgiveness with just an apology , but i-”

Before i could say anything more, Urvashi hugged me and said,” it’ll be fine , it wasnt your fault, as long as i have you everything will be fine”, she said with tears in her eyes. She didnt care that she had lost someone important because of me , she forgave me with an open heart . thats when i mad up my mind, i will protect Urvashi for as long as i live. She will never suffer like this again. Two years passed.

I could hear some of the girls gossiping in our class.

“He was the 2nd victim “, one of them said.

“Scary,its fishy how they went missing one after the another”. Said another

“I bet she did something to them”

“ who knows?”

“At any rate, its better if we stay away from Urvashi”

I couldnt bear this any longer. I walked up to Urvashi and asked her if she wanted to walk home together.

“Dont let them get to you “ , i said , trying to comfort her.”its not your fault Urvashi”

“But, two people i dated suddenly disappeared you know,” she said.” everything was normal just the other day, now they’re nowhere to be found. Why do those important to me suddenly disappear?” as she said this, Urvashi made the same distraught face she made when her mom died in that fire that day. Seeing her in such a state twisted my heart beyond belief.” i wasnt trying to blame you” she said seeing the look on my face,” youre an important friend . besides what happened two years ago was an accident.”but i could never forgive myself for it.

“Hey” she said while looking and smiling at me,” you know, everyone important to me keeps disappearing one by one. Im terrified, please you dont leave me too”. Heaing those words from her only strengthened my resolve.

“ ill be fine “, i said. We saw each other off and went our own separate ways.

Shes so cute and precious, ‘please dont leave me too’ , i just love her soo much. Ive made up my mind to protect Urvashi. Theres no way id disappear. Thats why everytime Urvashi gets a boyfriend, i test them. I would flirt with them , invite them over and every time they easily come with me. Boys are such pigs. Cheaters like that arent worthy of Urvashi. I wanted to make sure that these filthy men would never make Urvashi cry in the future, so i nipped the problem in the bud. The public thinks theyve gone missing , and Urvashi also hasnt noticed either. I do feel sorry for her since because of all this , there are rumors going about her in the class. But its good this way cause the worthless nobodies stay away from her. As i entered the class i saw that somebody had written ‘ Urvashi is a dirty slut who eats men’.i quickly picked up the duster and rubbed it off. I turned around to see that some girls had surrounded Urvashi and were talking to her. I walked closer to the group to listen what they were talking about. I saw that it was Hargun and her friends talking to Urvashi. I say that they had put dirty wet rags on Urvashis seat.

“Urvashi , could you do something about your seat, i dont want to sit near someone whos seat is so dirty”, she said with hate in her eyes and a sly smile on her face.Urvashi glared back at them.

One of the girls got scared and said” what, you think we did this? You are the one who makes your boyfriends disappear and then attend school as if nothing happened.”

“Stop it you all”, i said in a calm voice, looking towards those girls.” what youre doing is completely disgusting.

“You stay away from this “, Hargun said while facing me “ just because you are her best friend doesnt mean you will support everything she does”

“ i didnt say that because im her friend, i said this because i think you all are scum”

The look in my face caused Hargun to shudder a bit. She left with her friends sson after. Urvashi thanked me for saving her, but the only thing that was going through my mind was that Hargun needed to go for Urvashi to be happy. The next day was a weekend , and Hargun attended extra classes on those days till late evening. I put on my hoodie and grabbed my suitcase, duffle bag and a hammer. I waited for her to be alone and then i started following her. I guess she noticed me because after a few minutes she started running. But i always knew that she was a dumb girl. She ended up running into a dead end with no lights. She turned around to see me , but before she could say anything , i smashed her face in with the hammer. She died instantly . i used the bleach to remove any blood from the path and then stuffed her body into the suitcase. Im getting pretty used to killing poeple. But i hadnt done anything wrong, this was all to protect Urvashi. *click* what was that? I turned around to check where that sound came from but there was no one there. Maybe it was my imagination . maybe im getting too paranoid. What is the point of being scared, i dont care being called a murderer if i can keep a smile on Urvashis face. As i thought this , i saw a wretched rotten away face staring from a corner at me. “ are you sure about that ?” , it said “ you erase those who you deem unworthy of of Urvashi, but that isnt the truth. You just want her all yo yourself , dont you?” i got scared and jumped back in impulse.i looked back at the corner but the face was no longer there.” everything i do is for Urvashi and no one else” i said to myself as i walked back to my home.

The next day after classes ended , our teacher told us that Hargun hadnt reached home yesterday and asked us to be extra careful. While walking home i could see that Urvashi was tense . i asked her what was wrong. “ im really cursed arent i ?, anyone i have any kind of connection with disappears.” as she said this, she started weeping.

“ its not your fault Urvashi” , i said while thinking that it was true that it wasnt her fault, because it was mine.i killed them all.

“ theres no need for you to cry” i said “ because, its their fault they didnt come back, each of them might have a reason why they disappeared. So please dont vry for them” as i said this Urvashi stopped crying and without saying anything went back home.

Later that night i decided that it was finally time for me to dismember Urvashi and dispose off her because even after keeping the body in ice , it had started to rot. I put her body in the bathtub and started cutting her in small pieces. As i was doing this someone rang the bell. I thought they would leave after sometime but they kept ringing the bell continuously.i quickly washed my hands and opened the fron door. I was shocked to see the police standing there.

“ are you deeksha?” they asked.

“ yes , but why? “ i said trying to act cool.

“ we received a report so we came to confirm it” as he said this he produced three pictures in front of me. In two if them i could be seen disposing of bodies and in one of them i could be seen stuffing Harguns body in the suitcase. Seeing this i felt as if i lost my voice. I couldnt say anything.

“You are suspected of unlawful disposal of corpse” said the policeman. “ we will now be searching your house” as he said this, two policemen entered my house. “ we found the body sir” on of them shouted from the bathroom”

“ you are under arrest “ said the policeman in front of me.as the policeman apprehended me , i shouted” who was the bastard that clicke those photos? Ill kill them !!”

“I clicked those “

I turned around to see who said that . i was frozen stiff to see Urvashi standing there. “ thats right, i clicked those “

“ Urvashi, what are you doing here?”

“ the fire that broke out two years ago, no one could blame you no matter how much you were at fault, and also i knew you were in love with me. So i thought that id make you suffer through raging jealousy as revenge for the fire. Thats why i started dating those boys. And as i predicted, you killed them both , and as an added bonus you killed Hargun too” she said while giggling.” you mustve thought of some bullshit , like everything i do is for Urvashi, right? You killed them on your own , can you stop saying that it was for my sake? Those word sound quite funny from the mouth of my mothers murderer.” as she said that i felt destroyed. I just wanted to die. “Wait, then why did you forgive me?” i asked shivering.

“ i can tell many lies, i’ll never forgive you . even if you spend the rest of your life atoning for those sins.”

“ hold on , then why, why did you tell me you forgave me back then, if you didnt forgive me, i was ready to kill myself.if you hated my existence that much , i couldve killedmyself for your sake.”

“ it wouldve been over fr you if you died back then. i had to drag you to the deepest depths of despair or else there would have been no point. You killed three poeple , thats a much heavier sin than setting that fire. Thank you for going to hell on your own” as she said that she gave a carefree smile to me, as if she had finally attained the things for which she lived for.

“ i finally got my revenge”

-end-

submitted by /u/xarcaliber [link] [comments] source https://www.reddit.com/r/shortscarystories/comments/gpnwnm/id_die_for_you/ via Blogger https://ift.tt/3efg8It

[ivyconfessions-blog1]

i broke up with my boyfriend of 232 days with coffee and digestives, digesting kept trying against my better judgement to find an alternative to the inevitable being who you wanted stopped me being me .

bittersweet positive + negative = negative ? you're a brick wall the common denominator i poke and dig to understand and hold on to the past don't prolong the inevitable it doesn't make it any easier the last time we touched it was a hug so warmso tight so desperate to memorise his frame i never wanted to let go i still dont you loved me i loved you wish tht was enough wish we showed it in ways we could translate wish you could give me what i wanted wish i could too

its sad that we're over but we've been over for a while

ripped from my womb stripped to the bone

you left me feeling too much not enough

i left you feeling drained

i left you and no matter how much you want me to i'm not coming back

repeat after me we're not meant to be we'll move on eventually and maybe reconcile after a while

you never satisfied my mind you placed me into a box and punished me for not staying still

you wanted me to let go of all the things that made me sad so i did .

my gut told me leave him dont look back

i repressed it with rose & sex with the lights off

maybe that's why? if you love with your heart off you don't get as hurt .

the hickey on my left breast calls out your name like a warning, after the fact in hindsight you told me exactly what exact was and i didnt want to believe it i wanted to save you but the only thing i could save you from was me

my body will forget you even if i didnt want it to luckily for me i went through withdrawal a month ago unlucky for you there will be memories of me everywhere a hair bobble a dark blue disposable razor (bought from the co-op by the bus station because my natural state was not good enough)

you'll walk around with food on the corner of your mouth nobody will point it out with a giggle and an eyeroll

the goggles i got you that you'd wanted all your life hang above your bed on the opposite side of where i slept

the first and last love letter i will ever write you every word but a few, are still true

you didn't really know me but i knew you

i didnt share things with you like i should have but it's for the best because now you'll remember a version of me i created for you and everything i kept safe is still safe with me

.

are you calling me to hear my voice or feed your ego? why aren't you calling? feeding it is all i've got

call me, so i can realise yet again why you lost me why you push me further away with every word uttered

don't call me you've lost me

.

storm

uncomfortable realisation is approaching

she'll promise to take you on adventures with only her eyes and she'll make you feel like living again but no ships can survive the storm you know this and yet you can't help yourself

you buy her cigarettes because you were giving her all of your own anyway and it's not like she has money you justify but there's a tiny part of you (sometimes not so tiny - sometimes overwhelming and scary and all consuming) that needs to be needed because if you arent then all you are is need and you're sick of caring the most feeling the most hurting the most you tell yourself it's all your fault but you dont believe it ironic how you need so much there's no room for anything other than desperation and i can't get rid of it for you

.

fire alarm 1:20 best cuddles ever just got nutella on the page is it on my lips is it on my chin let the mind games begin

fuck, i'm in trouble

composed entirely of quirks & vague mentions possibly not good intentions but we never even talk about what happens like it didnt happen like it didnt mean anything like it was a mistake it was a mistake it was a mistake it shouldnt have happened i cant even remember how it started don't remember where we were or what we were on crossing boundaries became the norm with varying levels of substances backing us up til one day we woke up completely sober

it's hit me again how fucked up this is as long as you dont cause trouble

does this mean i like him does this mean i've realised does this have to be reiterated because i can't deal with this right now .

i'm so screwed the thought of explaining why, even to myself terrifies me so i write in denial dressed up in autumn and doomed to fall

maybe if i reverse the epiphany i wont have to feel like this i've probably tricked my mind to get into this mess i can trick it away again

reciprocity dangles before me on a red thread of hope but ultimately remains unobtainable swinging between rejection / desperation too dizzy to stay balanced too much magic to keep inside i really just dont want to do this but i have no choice it's going to really hurt me if i hold on to the fucking possibilities .

FIRST WEEK OF UNI

cappuccinos in take out cups cigarettes autumn leaves cautious exploring buses and maps and proud vibes from loved ones phone always needs charging earphones in, doing scary things often whirlwind independence (masked as solitary wandering) actually not overwhelming .

oh my god i crave your smell i ache for you touch it's never enough please tell me i'm not a fool tell me that you feel it too .

you have had no intentions of catching me as i fall am i falling for your amusement? you invite me into your heart as an observer i am not truly invited i am a guest here

this is a kerfuffle if ever there was one can't escape from idiosyncracies i once mocked now i'm locked into loving you each time i try to shake this off i fail you're too close you're too far please tell me what to do please dont let me lose you

it isn't enough accepting that will make it easier how do you avoid the one you went to avoiding everyone else? i'm reading AVOID THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF THAT PERSON sitting on your fucking sofa wrapped in your fucking blanket drinking from your fucking taps arched brow hugs my forehead as i sigh ironic how this time i can't take my own advice the only time i listen to (save for the muffled shower songs i half block out half strain to listen to) half brave the outside to get away from you should fuck me with a chainsaw smile at me with a gun stop me from moving on it would feel almost the same it would feel the same only got myself to blame