#because now all the things ive always wanted dont sound possible anymore

[captainimprobable]

I've known i had a sleep disorder for like 13 years, but didn't get diagnosed with anything til last year, and until LITERALLY THIS WEEK even though it's been hard and even though I've cried over it multiple times, I've been able to be like "hehe haha i have sleepy bitch disease" but i just suddenly realized that i actually have a real, tangible disability. And I KNEW that, and I was never hung up on that word or anything, but I've been fine bc sure it's been impacting my life, but I've always managed to hold down jobs right??? And then I thought about it. I managed at Trader Joe's bc I was active all the time. So I thought "oh, okay, while i get this disorder under control, I can work retail". Except I realized that a) this disorder will never be under control, and b)i worked retail before the disorder got WORSE, like it has gotten the last couple years. because when I worked it before, sure i was tired, but because i was always moving I was fine. But NOW I also get these waves of extreme exhaustion that mean i need to take a nap RIGHT THEN, and if I don't, I get really sick. So. How am I supposed to work a retail job if there's a chance I'll be incapacitated for at least an hour in the middle of my shift? And when I worked the office job? That was remote. And looking back, I slept half the work day. (I always got my work done anyway, but NO it was not ok to sleep through the work day. I know.) So now here I am, almost 6 months unemployed, about to run out of unemployment money, JUST NOW realizing that it is not physically possible to work. And meanwhile, everyone around me just acts like either "oh haha isnt everyone tired" or like Im overdramatic and making it up. So I went on to a facebook group for people like me, and asked for advice. Every response was "Sorry, no, this never gets better! Also I haven't worked in years! Good luck! <3" And now I'm looking at the rest of my life and realizing im always going to be this way. Im always going to be living at half speed. I will never actually be able to live up to my full potential. How am I ever supposed to work? How do I make money? I've been so hopeful and blase about this whole thing for years and suddenly its not so chill anymore. I'm SO fucking SCARED and Im looking for literally any answer or any help and there is none. You can try medication, but it doesnt always work (and im doing that. and its not working.) Otherwise, ig you just...pray?????? I literally cannot feel this way forever. I cant. That is just not a life at all. What the FUCK am i supposed to do??? (And now Im freaking out bc when this all started i would fall asleep while driving. That hasnt happened since college but what if it changes? What if I cant drive anymore? So many people with these problems simply are not allowed to drive. What the fuck do I do oh my god)

[sadvid]

camp camp makes me insane ramble. do not click more unless you are so so very insane

camp camp is gonna make me go fucking insane i can't fucking do this anymore there is NOTHING!!!!!! NOTHING!!!! ALL THEY DID WAS GIVE US TINY PISS DRRROPLETS WITH ONE EPISODE FINALE SAYING MAXS PARENTS DONT CARE AND DAVID SAYING YOU DONT DESERVE THAT AND NOW IVE BEEN IN THE TRENCHES FOR YEAAAARSSS. i have read fics with over 100k words i have drawn so many things and imagined so many scenarios with angst and hurt/comfort and stupid stupid thoughts that would never ever happen in the show in a million years HIS ASS IS NOT GETTING ADOPTED DADVID IS NOT REAL GWENVID IS A SICK JOKE i love them so much you don't understand. i forgot to take my meds. oh my goddddd. THERE ARE LIKE THREE CAMP CAMP FANS LEFT BECAUSE THE REST WERE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO JUST WATCH THE SILLY CAMP CARTOON THAT SAYS FUCK. they dont wonder about the possibilities of a sad ten year old rejecting happiness but slowly allowing himself to be vulnerable and loved by a counselor who is surrounded by hate and despondency but stays positive despite despite despite because nobody else will and he wants to be the source of happiness that he wish someone was for him. NO! they say HAHA the ten year old said fuck! oh my god the non swearing counselor said fuck too that's so profound! oh no the ten year olds parents bad :( HAHA NOW HES BALD!!!! and after a month of the show being gone they LEAVE because they're NORNAL!!!!! but i. I AM IN THE TRENCHESSSSS. you have no idea you have no idea. listen maybe i'm just a little insane because i am a max who needs a david JUST MAYBE! and i think this is just a lot of me projecting my desperate need for love and my simultaneous rejection and fear of it onto max. And my need for someone to keep persistently and loudly loving me no matter how much i reject it. PROBABLY!!!!! i don't care i don't care how fucking insane i sound I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY I COULD talk about this show for hours i wish i didn't have job or school or life so i could write and anímate camp camp season 6 7 8 9 10 infinity and kill the warner brothers and write 500k word ao3 fics. IM INSANE. i am picking up crumbs and calling it a wedding cake do you understand. god i'm i i i i i i i i it's 2024 it's been too long too many years of this.... too many got damned years. every time i pick up a pencil i draw max camp camp. i have drawn david's stupid fucking face so many times its probably become the shape of my brain wrinkles. i go feral thinking about gwen's hair looks like down or what the fuck these characters last names are. Can you fucking believe i hyper fixated on a character whose last name i dont even know. hey who's that small angry fucker you're always doodling. uhh max. max who. max... camp camp. WHO?!!! DAVID?!!? DAVID ATTENBOROUGH?!?! MAX CAULFIELD?! i'm going to set myself on fire. i really truly am. i love them i live for nothing but a ghost child on an island and a silly friend trio. when will it end. when. i love them if you couldn't tell

[bobasnonbeliever]

only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out

im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.

but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.

i want to decompose.

writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.

[our-queerplatonic-experience]

hii sorry if this is too venty or depressing or whatever but i really need help

ive been in a qpr with my partner nagisa for like 3 months (weve been friends before that for a few years) and i love him so much ive never wanted anyone in my life more than him. but i am deathly afraid of being a bad partner, and i am even more afraid of him leaving me for someone else even though i know thats not realistic.

he asked one of our ex friends if he could complain to them about something in private and for the rest of the day i felt anxious and sick and guilty like i just killed someone. i cut this friend off mainly because i was so jealous and spiteful (didnt say that tho i feel guilty) (also he was a really shitty person and made me really uncomfortable but it was mainly cuz i was jealous)

whenever im not talking to him my brain shouts to me that im ignoring him and im a horrible cold monster who just has him as a battery to feed my sick desires or whatever the hell that thing tells me at night. whenever i talk to him too much my brain shouts that i look desperate and clingy and i am annoying him hes probably sleeping! but it hurts less than feeling cold. so thats why i try to text him as much as possible. it almost feels like a compulsion, that im not actually texting him because i care and im talking to him so i personally dont feel like shit (ok that made me feel awful to type out but Fuck whatever)

i am not a bad person i really love my partner ive never loved anyone more than him hes the only person i really connect with on a deep level anymore and i think we genuinely have some sort of spiritual bond because of how often we share the same emotions and think the same thoughts at the same time. but i dont really believe in spirituality shit so whatever

he actually has the same issue (but seems to have figured it out better than me) with me and my friend, and it actually made me hate myself so much i have stopped talking to that friend because i dont want him to feel any percent of what i do. when he isn’t there to talk to me i feel alone and abandonded and like my arms have been cut off and like im living without a 3rd dimension. i feel like a normal person when im with him. he is the only thing keeping me sane. i would drop all my friends if he wanted me to

whenever im not talking to him i feel like im neglecting a bird in a cage even though i know he doesn’t need me that much

whats funny is that i dont worry about being a bad person in any other aspect of my life i literally do not give a fuck whether im a bad person because i always justify everything i do in my mind and i cant find a single bad thing ive done. other than the intentionally bad shit i did, of course, i did that stuff to kinda.. give myself something to feel bad for and so i dont feel like im fully a perfect person? hard to put into words

so yeah i guess you get the point! i really need some sort of advice. ive told him this but not really the full extent behind it, just the jealousy and vague mentions of the fear of being bad. i am worried that my anxiety of being a bad partner is leading me to be a bad partner

damn... okay i don't know a lot about this but it sounds like you might be developing a codependency. you should definitely communicate all of this to your partner so you can work together to lessen your anxiety. you also should probably go to therapy but i don't know if that is accessible to you right now. i'm sorry i don't have much else to say but hopefully someone in the replies can also help

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[fraener]

4/29/24

i feel like im waiting in possessing anticipation again for that dark, green june to arrive. this town suddenly feels huge and possible to me again, as it does right before everything changes again. artswalk was quieted by the rain and the fact that i had to work and be in school, but still the whole of the town came down to my block to celebrate together. ill miss that so much, the magic of the village coming together and in that moment of celebration when everyone is in their best clothes and smiling they are all your friends, they are all excited to see one another. i stood for a while yesterday afternoon after i woke from my bloodless stupor in the pop-up museum and listened to someone who looked a bit like o give a lecture on their work which was making instruments to talk to the spirits of superfund sites. when i say it out loud it sounds like something from a dream. the building space had a low ceiling and polished concrete floors and exposed bricks and big multipane windows. the light coming in was dark grey and rich green and it reflected off of the floor and washed over us. i dont know how to describe it, but i felt the way i did when i would paint with o or go to improv shows with them. this moment of standing out in the tide of possibility with the water rushing around in that pause between coming in and going. i cant help but wonder if im leaving something behind here. ill always be leaving something behind, i think. im looking over the far future like its something shapable. im thinking of the royal drawing school and of parsons and of classical and historical arrangements of apprentice and master. how in the next year where i go home will i find a way to watch other people speak with passion to their work? i think it takes a long time and i might be going about it the wrong way right now. i want to meet more serious and driven people who are serious and driven about the honest vulnerable play of making. im chasing the back of something that ive assigned to so many people over the years. i want to catch up to the thing im following through all these lifetimes. ive changed so much, that i dont want to exist in a vacuum anymore. i want to find people who care as much about making art as i do that are equally stunned and stumped in trying to describe what it is theyre trying to do. i really think we all see the same thing and we will never have the real words to describe it which is why we have to keep rehearsing these images and thoughts over and over and exercising them any chance we get because this thing is so huge we could never cover every angle of it. i thought i was preparing to return home and settle in for a while but its starting to feel a lot more like im going into preparing for a journey. i want to live so much and for things to change frequently and beautifully.

[wilmonsfolklore]

Hey Tina,

I'm late for this but I was wondering about 2, 7, 8, 27 and 29 for the fanfic asks.

Wishing you a very nice rest of the weekend! 💜

thanks Sophia!! i hope you have a good weekend too <3

2. Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to

infinite amounts of them, honestly. i really like the idea of writing a friends with benefits fic. just because i love the concept people kind of figuring out their feelings through sex. but im very uncomfortable writing smut, so. i definitely won't write one in the near future. i also really really want to write a texting fic, and i think i will do that kind of soon as ive been having a hard time writing prose.

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

oh god. i feel like prose is not my strong suit because i always struggle with it either feeling too basic or too try-hard. so. the pieces im usually happiest with are the kind of inbetween summaries of wille and simon growing closer together. they are the kind of things i always make little notes about during the day even when i'm not writing if i'm really in a flow. i feel like i can put a lot of detail in them and i like that. like this paragraph in sticky little words:

Wille learned that Simon would forget his laptop charger more often than not and liked to shower in the mornings and hated rain but rain pants even more. That he drank his coffee black and he loved satsuma’s because they were easier to peel than oranges, and sometimes he got so passionate about discussions in class the pen he held in his hand would start tapping against the desk because his fingers were shaking. And the funny thing was, Wille liked all of those things. They liked that Simon sent them articles about politics that Wille had missed out on, how happy he was when Sara and Felice finally made it official, that he’d once stolen a half full pack of oreos from his roommate because Wille had mentioned not being allowed to have them as a kid. And Wille wasn’t quite sure what to do with that.

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

the funny thing is writing dialogue comes relatively easy to me, but i had the hardest time picking something out because in every important or emotional dialogue scene that i generally love in my older fics there are a few sentences that make me want to throw up now. but that's on improving my writing, i guess. but anyway i picked a scene from my latest one shot, again. i feel like it sounds relatively natural and it's a bit playful. i struggle to write anything that's not overly emotional, so im quite happy with this bit

Wille cleared their throat. “I don’t talk to him anymore,” he said then, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. “Probably for the best, since he had terrible music taste.”

It wasn't a very good joke, but Simon laughed anyway and Wille was grateful for it. “I love Zara!” he protested, and Wille just shook their head.

“You didn’t even recognise her song!”

“Because I was actually working, unlike you.” He rolled his eyes, teasing.

“I’m tired!” Wille retorted.

Simon sighed, deflating. “You should’ve said,” he said. “We could've rescheduled.”

“I like hanging out with you,” Wille protested playfully, an easy confession that they would overthink later.

Simon just smiled. “Me too. But you have to rest if you're tired.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

27. How do you feel about collaborations? i would love to collaborate with someone on a fic!! writing right now to me is a very solo process, and id love to change that and even just talk to people about my writing more. but i tend to get very insecure as i feel like everyone in this fandom writes so freaking good and much better and easier than me, so. idk it's a work in progress. i also dont write consistently At All because of my health, and i dont want the pressure of someone else kind of waiting for me, you know?? but i'm definitely down to collaborate and i have done so when i was doing better back in the day in another fandom.

29. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

i actually have no clue?? none i think?? i feel like i could never touch one of my favourite fics because i could never ever do them justice

ask me more about writing fic! :)

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i might be completely crazy and delusional for thinking this is going to work in the way i want/hope/expect it to. its not like hes spent the last 4 years missing me, wanting me back, or hoping to one day win me back. its not like he even tried. he let me go...

but somehow were still inextricably linked. we keep holding on and thus keep on appearing in each others paths. but could it be fate, or could it be our own doing?

im in my head.

realistically, he is going to put this in the too hard basket and leave it be. because of course he wouldnt want to be rejected by me again. i tried leaving him time and time again, and when he tried to get me back i kept on resisting. resisting and resisting for years.

its high time i get a taste of my own medicine.

i think its only right if i message him, i cant expect him to reach out. ive made the connection. ive sparked his attention, i followed him. follower number 111. now i have to ask for what exactly it is that i wanted to gain from this.

hey... i know this is going to sound completely crazy and out of the blue. and i totally respect if you're not interested. but i was hoping, if you'd be down, to catchup sometime for a coffee and conversation. i think there is a lot that was left unresolved between us and i would really appreciate the opportunity to talk to you, properly.

then what...?

we meet up. we talk. i somehow bring up the question if he'd ever want to be with me again. high chance he doesnt. lets say he does... we somehow, awkwardly, and completely unconventionally start catching up again...? then what? how long would it take for us to even warm to each other again? were not even friends....

we aren't even friends. i dont know him. he doesnt know me.

but maybe the connection is still there!

my certainty is suddenly dissolving.

i dont know. i dont know... i still trust my decision to unblock.

but i am confused. what comes next? does nothing come next? is this the point of it all? even more self analysis and instrospection?

could we be together again? could we love eachother the same way again? would that be possible? theres only one way to find out. and it feels like there are a million and one barriers resisting us from getting there. why am i so deadset on this all of the sudden? this is what confuses me most. how i can go from one extreme to this seemingly out of the blue. all because of one sex dream. all because of a fucking planet spinning in reverse.

this doesnt seem right all of the sudden.

im not really sure how to go about this to make it work in the way i want it too. maybe it is simply too late. maybe - thats okay. i miss him. i want what we had again. but maybe, thats not possible anymore. maybe it wasnt possible when i ended things between us. maybe it was never meant to last.

i remember once saying it wasnt fair, that he had asked me to catchup. it was when i blocked him from my facebook. he took an opportunity that he felt was the only right thing to do, in that moment. exactly like what im doing now. but it was fair, actually. its hard to have to be the one with enough sense to put the foot down, to say "this isnt actually for the best, for either of us." it was always me. its nice that the responsibility isnt on my shoulders for once. this is my final goodbye, i suppose. this was my closure.

weirdly enough, i feel secure in that. more secure, and in the flow, than when i am hoping for him to reach out. i know what will happen. and he wont reach out. and thats how god planned it.

thats okay.

something shifted again. i maybe acted irrationally. maybe a bit impulsive, and spur of the moment. but thats me. and it needed to happen to set me free. there was no need to cut the cord - because it was barely hanging on by a thread to begin with. im setting us both free. youre welcome, darling. im gonna miss you. but im so, so, so glad its done. i love you. i want the best for you. i wish you all the best and happiness you could ever dream of. its time to go our separate ways... how fucking terrifying is that.

but how can it be scary, when ive been doing it for the past four years already? at the end of the day, of every day, ive got me. ill be here waiting to take care of me, love me, and look after me. ive got my people. ive got people who love me and support me and respect me. ive got higher powers looking out for me, guiding me, and protecting me. its safe for me to let go. my heart wont shatter. my heart wont shrink until it ceases to exist. its still here, big and beautiful and strong. and full of love. full of space for more love. more and more and more love. endless joy, love, and romance.

i trust you. i trust you. i trust you,

i love you. i love you. i love you.

its beautiful. the change, its so massive, its transformative, its magical and so emotional. i feel on the verge of tears, but i know that i am safe. i am okay. just completely in the flow of what is meant to be. having an inner knowing that there are forces much bigger than me at work, guiding me and leading me to where my frequency is matched. like im riding a wave. im floating on a boat on the most hectic, roughest waves ive ridden in my life. im healing. im growing. im aligning with my highest self. ive levelling up. im literally shifting into a new fucking dimension of being. im evolving. im becoming the most beautiful, powerful, divine embodiment of ME.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

ive got you, always. ill protect you. ill take care of you. im sorry that this is so confusing and difficult. growing up was never easy... change was never easy.

ive got you. and God has got me, too.

[wittyworm]

i dont know . i needed to write this all down i dont give a shit if its in order or if it makes sense or not. im not putting it under a cut

munchausen by proxy is such a painful and slow and cruel process to watch and there's absolutely nothing you can do when its too late. you just grow up and wonder, why why is she getting worse every single time you see her? she cant possibly have this many problems. we never once knew what she actually had. we would just wish, like, please stop taking pieces from her she cant fight you, you spend her whole life taking pieces from her and stripping her down until she cant see, out of one eye, then you take the next. cant walk, can barely speak. heart barely beats on its own, and then in the very end you wont let her go. you let her suffer and rot for 6 months in the hospital, we cant go fucking see her, i keep asking when can i see her. covid prevents more than 2 guests, the guests are her parents, who are. ultimately keeping her there. and we wait. we wait and wait and wait. she fights. because shes always been strong, shes always wanted a bigger life for herself. dreamed bigger than anyone ive ever met. theyd always say she had the mind of a child but if you had a conversation with her for more than 5 fucking minutes you know thats not true. what else could she do though, other than find happiness and comfort in small things like dolls and toys. shes surely the reason i as an adult , love things like that, because my big cousin who ive known my entire fucking life loved them, she treated each of them like the real babies shed always wanted to have, gave them names gave them stories that shed tell me.

shed scare us sometimes. she showed us horror movies when we were way too young, shed pull out her glass eye and yell "BOO!" at you

"WANNA SEE IT AGAIN WANNA SEE IT AGAIN" we always told her "NO!!!" but it was funny . that was Emmy

To say she loved David Hasselhoff. Is the biggest understatement of the century. dont get me started. she was obsessed. she was married to him in her head and would often get defensive if she thought we were trying to steal her man David 😤

it was odd but it was Emmy. we watched the original spongebob movie too many times to count, we knew every word. Baywatch, Nightrider, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, She always played his albums. swear to god she loved the guy so much i forget he isnt actually family. she had a massive 'sexy' print out of him on her wall 🤦‍♂️ god it was so funny we loved that thing. i could go on and on

she loved big gaudy rings and jewelry. the flashier the better. miss classic hollywood. we'd always look for them for her ,see something that looked cartoonishly grand and think "thats so emmy" wed get them if we could.

she had soo many collections. games, pogs, jewelry, david, babydolls, vhs tapes upon vhs tapes. a favorite pastime of mine was going through and organizing all of them for her . all of the David ones in their own special sections of course.

she was the funniest person youd ever meet. life of the party. always singing loud, making funny faces and sounds. telling hilarious stories. some made up some real.

she wanted to be a mom, she wanted to be a wife. but those things were impossible for her to achieve.

...

we saw her less and less as we got older.. i hate to think how sad it made her seeing us all grow up away from her. but she was always so happy to see us , tell us "you look so beautiful you look so big!" she was so so genuine about it she always made you feel good.

even when, she couldnt actually see you anymore

i want to jot down so many memories , theres so much more, i cant think super clearly right now.

she passed away 2 days ago

or maybe it was a day

i dont remember

heart failure/ brain failure

our other cousin/ uncle/ her brother also passed away less than a month ago. that was a shock. they told her... for some reason, she wasnt able to respond, though. im sure that still hurt..

she is a bright light that went out . in this stupid fucking world. it sucks

but i want to like . hopefully live life in a way she would have wanted . something shed be proud of i guess .

im glad they finally let her stop suffering. im glas shes not suffering anymore . shes free. she was 46 years old

Esmeralda Burgos, my light, my laughter, my cousin. you will be greatly missed for all of time to come. you absolute legend

Say hi to Manny, Nana, and Josie for me, and shine over us all

I love you

[kookingtae]

falling into you (pt. 8) PREVIEW

pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→a/n: so i’m not finished with pt 8 yet, since it’s such a climactic chapter it’s taking a bit longer than i anticipated unfortunately BUT i dont want u guys to think ive forgotten about it!!! i know u all are waiting so patiently, and i cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart <3 i hope this preview keeps you excited for what’s to come!

Jungkook could never face Y/N again.

God, how could he, knowing that he’d not only finished in five minutes like a pubescent teenager, but also in his pants while she was on top of him?

Embarrassment didn’t even begin to describe the mortification he felt. He’d never wanted the earth to swallow him whole as much as he did in that moment. Sure, he was aware of his slight social anxiety, the way he was constantly looking to bolt from uncomfortable situations—but this was different entirely. This was new territory for him; he’d never done anything remotely sexual with someone else, period, much less with the girl who hung the stars, moon, and sun in his eyes. What was he supposed to do? There was nowhere to escape to in his own bedroom, no running away from his problems that made him uncomfortable. No, he had to stand there with his head down and his crotch dripping wet while he practically begged her to leave. He had never been so ashamed of himself. He had never felt so pathetic.

But then Y/N surprised him like she never failed to do: she’d given him reassurance, another kiss even, while telling him that she actually enjoyed the experience—went so far as to say it was the best in her life. Now he knew she was lying to spare his feelings. Of all the men Y/N had been with, there was no way a virgin cumming untouched in his pants was the best of them. She was cruel to make him believe otherwise, to give him false hope.

He wouldn’t allow himself to think any differently. He couldn’t allow himself to get hurt.

Which was why he made it his mission to avoid her at all costs—something he’d gotten very good at over the past few months, and the past few weeks, specifically.

But in the same way he’d learned from the patterns of her daily routine and used them as a means to remain hidden, she’d also learned his and utilized them to her advantage as well. It was the only explanation as to how he was turning a corner inside the art building (about to take the rear exit, since she usually waited for him out front) and suddenly she was standing right in front of him.

He instantly skidded to a halt, heart rate shooting to astronomical levels and eyes widening on their own accord. “Y-Y/N,” he stuttered out involuntarily, the sight of her causing every single detail of their time spent together to come rushing back to him like a tidal wave ready to wipe him out.

As if he needed another excuse to think about the moment they shared that had changed him forever, about the way her moans sounded in his ear and her body felt on his lap and the way she touched his cheek, his neck, the way her lips felt on his skin, god help him—

Already he could feel the beginnings of a blush start to rise to his suddenly hot cheeks, and he cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other to keep from springing yet another boner in front of her.

He slid his books in front of his waist, just in case.

While she usually approached him with the natural ease of self-confidence and charm, today she seemed worried, unsure. She chewed at her lower lip—something he didn’t think she really ever did, as he would certainly remember the way it stirred within him—and looked up at him beneath delicate lashes that framed her eyes.

He didn’t have it in him to keep from outright staring at her beauty.

“I… I missed you,” she finally murmured, and he felt the breath physically whoosh from his lungs to join his butterfly-filled stomach all the way at the floor.

It had been a few days since he’d last seen her, since she’d been in his room that night where they opened up about their past and confessed how they truly felt about one another and shared the most life-altering moment he’d ever experienced. He missed her too, god he missed her. He missed everything about her the moment she left his side—would picture her face in his mind as soon as she left his field of vision. But for some reason unknown to him, she was too kind to him, spared his feelings despite knowing what little experience he had. There was no way he’d be able to satisfy a girl—mentally, physically, emotionally—who could have anyone she wanted. Perhaps she pitied him. Either way, if she wouldn’t put a stop to it, then he would.

Or so he’d try, but alas, nothing ever went according to his plans where Y/N was concerned. And here she was, three simple words mumbled into existence and he couldn’t even remember his own name, much less why he’d been trying to fight this.

She seemed to expect he would say nothing—either that or she’d grown used to his silence—because before he had enough sense in him to even think about responding, she was speaking again. “How have you been?”

The question was asked with deliberate, genuine curiosity and concern; she really wanted to know if he was okay, how he was handling things after what had transpired between them. And no matter how hard Jungkook tried to fight this, fight her, fight himself, he was only human.

And so he stopped fighting.

“I– I missed you too,” he breathed out, and it was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and relocated to his gut. He tensed at his confession, mentally berated himself for his words even though she’d been the one to say them first. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, what with the way his throat locked up.

Though the second he witnessed the smile that sprang to her tantalizing lips, he felt as light as a feather floating in the breeze.

“You did?” Her eyes lit up, sparkled under the fluorescent hallway lights that still managed to capture all of her beauty despite the unflattering lighting. He didn’t think it was possible for any scenery, not even that of a dull and stuffy university building, to make her appear any less breathtaking than she always was.

“I was so worried after I left last week,” she continued without prompt. The mention of his premature finish had him stiffening in dread, though she didn’t let enough silence fester between her words for the anxiety to claw its way up his throat. “I didn’t want you to beat yourself up. I’ve noticed you tend to be too hard on yourself sometimes.” She glanced up at him with the hint of a sheepish grin dancing on her lips.

Her expression said it all: that’s an understatement.

And this shocked him to his core, because she was absolutely right.

Just how well had she gotten to know him in their time spent together over the last few months? And how? And why?

The last question would always boggle him until the end of time; he would never understand why she was interested in him. Why was he the one she had feelings for, when she claimed she never had feelings for anybody? Though he supposed he could ask himself the same thing: why did he feel things for Y/N that he had never felt for anyone else in his life? And the answer was quite simple, really: because it was her.

He didn’t know what about himself was so special to make him stand out in her mind, and as a result he still couldn’t help but be skeptical, even after her confession. But it wasn’t like he had any choice in the matter on what to do with that skepticism—not when his heart kept leading him back to her.

At some point after her accurate description of the inner turmoil that’s been plaguing his mind, his mouth had fallen open slightly. He couldn’t hide the surprise from his face even if he tried; he was speechless.

Y/N gazed up at him, not seeming in any hurry to rush the conversation along, and for that he was grateful. He’d never met somebody so patient and understanding before—just another reason to make Jungkook’s heart flutter with endearment. And it was no secret to himself anymore that he yearned to be in Y/N’s presence for as long as possible whether he was aware of it or not.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know,” she continued as if she could read his mind, and that was when he realized the way his eyes avoided hers and the fact that his skin was the color of tomatoes must’ve been dead giveaways. “I meant it when I said that was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”

Jungkook balked, practically choking on his spit at her forward, shameless words. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the way she spoke her mind so openly without any fear holding her back. She’d gone through so much in her childhood, in her life—Jungkook not even knowing the half of it, he’s sure—and yet she was still so strong and brave and everything he wasn’t. He couldn’t help but admire the person she was today, despite all the prejudice and judgment he’d held for her when they first met.

He realized now that he was too quick to judge her, to write her off based on rumors and first impressions. He realized now that he was too quick to do that to a lot of people. Just how long had he closed himself off from others based on his skewed, morally righteous perspective? His whole life, if he had to say.

The epiphany that she was physically prying open his third eye with a crowbar, that he was now self aware and changing for the better for her—for himself—hit him all at once.

It was the most frightening sensation of his life, the introvert in him wanting to crawl back into his shell where it was safe and comfortable and dull. But deep down he knew it was also for the best.

“W-why?” He heard himself asking before he knew what he was doing. “Why do you keep saying that?”

He had to know why she insisted on standing by her statement that his mishap was not only hot, but the hottest ever. Why did she insist on lying to him, on giving him false hope? She spoke her mind in every other situation, or at least that’s what he assumed; why did she insist on sparing his feelings in this incident? Was he really that pathetic? Did she pity him that much?

She simply blinked at him once, twice, before: “Because I really like you, Jungkook.”

As if in slow motion, you could visibly see his eyes expand to the size of saucers at your words.

You would’ve found the sight comical had the situation been any different. But the way he continued to disbelieve that you could have feelings for him, that you could be attracted to everything about him despite who he was, despite his inexperience—it made your heart break in your chest. You now knew from where this inferiority complex stemmed—he’d told you himself about his family situation—and if anything, it made you want to rebuild his confidence that much more. He needed to see himself the way you saw him.

But you also didn’t want to overwhelm him, either. And you were more than willing to walk that fine line with Jungkook no matter how long it took.

“So are we on for a study sesh tonight?” You continued nonchalantly, wanting to return things to normalcy for him as much as possible before he ran away mid-conversation as he’d done so many times before. You wanted to ease his self-doubt so he’d stop avoiding you—like he’d been doing the past few days—as much as possible.

Jungkook blinked as if trying to adjust from the whiplash of your subject-change. “U–uh… if you want?”

“Of course I want to,” you replied without missing a beat, not caring how desperate you seemed so long as he didn’t question where you stood. You took a step forward, unable to help the intangible, magnetic draw you felt to him as you gazed up at him beneath your lashes. “That is… if you want to.”

You watched in agony as a gulp slowly raked its way down his throat.

“I–” his voice was hoarse before he cleared his throat. “I uh, can’t tonight. I have to study for math.”

You weren’t even sure how one studied for math, but you weren’t about to question the expert. “That’s fine! We could… do it tomorrow?”

Jungkook chewed at his bottom lip, an action he always did when he was internally struggling with something before he finally nodded his head yes in a slow, hesitant manner. “N–not in my room though,” he added as an afterthought, and when your gaze snapped to his he had a pleading expression in his eyes.

A mix of emotions rolled through you. On one hand, you were horrified at the possibility that he thought the only reason you wanted to study again was so that you could get in his pants. Which—okay, you’re not going to lie, you would love to have a repeat of last week—but that definitely wasn’t why you wanted to see him. He meant more to you than just a means to get off, which was what you’d thought of flings in the past. You didn’t want him to be just a fling, though.

You didn’t want to think of the meaning behind that fact right now, either.

But on another hand, you understood where Jungkook was coming from. Maybe it was because you’d studied him enough over the past few months to learn some of his behavior (for once you finally saw the appeal of studying), so you knew that level of intimacy was probably extremely overwhelming for Jungkook and he needed a moment to step back. Hell, it was even overwhelming for you, and that was saying something. Never had your senses, your heart, your body, your soul been attacked like that with such an abundance of emotional pleasure, and you hoped with all your might that Jungkook was feeling the same—that that was the reason he needed a breather from being alone with you, and not the fact that he just didn’t want to be intimate with you.

Unless…

Oh god, had you misread the situation entirely? Had Jungkook hated everything about that night?

Suddenly you were feeling sick to your stomach. The thought of you misunderstanding his confession—or worse, him changing his mind completely—made you want to escape to a dark and desolate stairwell and cry in the hidden nooks of the windowsill again; the irony that not only would you be pulling a Jungkook by escaping mid-conversation, but that the stairwell was also the place the two of you had your first real conversation, wasn’t lost on you.

“M–my roommate is staying in, studying for finals.” The sound of Jungkook’s voice was like a breath of fresh air whooshing into your lungs after almost drowning underwater. You blinked out of your inner turmoil, focusing on him. “So he’ll be there, i–in my room, this whole week.”

And suddenly your heart was warming with relief, hope, appreciation, like flowers blooming in the spring after a torrential downpour. Just when you thought you had him figured out, this enigma of a boy continued to surprise you. It was usually easy for you to hide your emotions—you’d been doing so for years, always wore a mask around others so that they couldn’t see the real you—and yet somehow, Jungkook must’ve sensed them anyway. He sensed the doubt, the pain, the fear that you vowed never to cage you crawling up your throat and threatening to consume you whole, and he eased it. He didn’t want you to misunderstand him. He wanted to reassure you.

If anything, that was just a testament to how Jungkook had broken down your walls—how much you had let him in, how well he was able to read the emotions you wanted to keep hidden. Your mask had begun to break, the real you showing through the cracks, and Jungkook was still standing here. He hadn’t run away.

You fought the urge to grab him and slam your lips onto his.

“Not in your room, then,” is all you managed to breathe out beneath a fluttering smile.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

heavy cross to bear* matt Murdock x reader

+++++++++ Request @juniebugg: reader and Matt are in a very serious relationship (could be married) but then when reader actually sees Elektra, whom she already knew about but has never seen because she was "dead," she gets really insecure and tells matt that he deserves better or something and he reassures her. Angst and smut"

hopefully its not too ooc this is my first MM smut so i hope you like! and thanks again for the request!!

* - you asked for smut and that really is all this is lol, little bit of story. 

Song: wasted time by skid row

tag list: @cynic-spirit @juniebugg

+++++++++

i sat at the table sipping coffee and thinking. it was almost nine at night and i knew i should be getting ready for bed but my body wasn't quite ready to move yet. when matt disappeared into our bedroom i figured he'd be changing into daredevil for the millionth time but when he emerged in his pajamas i was a little surprised. and then it hit me. maybe he knew. hell, he always knew.

but maybe it was just that something was off, that i needed him to say it again, to stay with me and make sure i knew. but then there was her. she had showed up out of nowhere and took me off guard more than anything else up until now. one more doubt at the forefront of my mind. that i didnt believe him when he said he loved me despite being married for a year, despite having dated for three before hand, and despite everything he has done to keep me safe. because he loved her first and it felt like the biggest lie ive ever been told. even after a couple days of sitting on it and hoping it would go away. still it was there. in the back of my mind:

"matt i dont know if i can do this anymore."

his head tilted to the side and he looked confused.

"do what?"

he asked almost worried, moving slowly to the table and sitting.

"this, us. i just- you deserve so much more, so much better than- well, than me."

he was quick to scoot his chair closer to my own, his hand coming to rest on mine.

"hey, dont even say that. what would make you think i would want anyone but you?"

now he absolutely sounded worried.

"i saw her matt."

"saw who?"

i shook my head.

"that woman, your ex. you said she was gone."

"elektra?"

he sounded a little broken.

"shes something else ill give her that much. i see why you like her."

he swallowed hard.

"elektra is dead."

i shook my head.

"then why was she here? looking for you. saying your name with such... god i dont even know how to explain it. matthew."

i repeated it exactly as she had said it and it felt wrong. like i was acting. saying someone elses emotions and intentions. they were no longer mine. or at least it seemed like it. There was a long silence and I just stared at him.

"She was here?"

There was hope in his voice and I figured that was it. It made me angrier than it probably should've and my only response was to stand and walk away. I got half way across the living room before he caught my arm.

"Y/n, that doesn't matter. I-"

He swallowed hard and I tried to study his face.

"You mean more to me than anything. Yes I love, loved, her but I married you. I chose you. I want nothing more than to be with you. For better or for worse remember?"

He bargained and I sighed heavily.

"How can I be sure you mean that? What if she comes back? again."

He shook his head, taking both my hands in his and stepping closer to me.

"Let me prove it to you. If she really is back then it doesn't matter. I'm with you, I love you, and I'll always chose you."

I closed my eyes, feeling him get closer and closer until his forehead was against my own.

"We belong together."

He whispered before kissing me gently.

"I only want you."

He kept just as quiet, kissing next to my mouth once, then twice, making his way across my cheek and to my jaw.

"Matt."

I breathed out and he paused. I licked my lips lightly before opening my eyes and looking at him. He really did seem like he meant it. He was trying so hard to keep it together.

"I can't lose you."

He sounded so broken.

"Do it."

He drew his brows and I brought my hand up to touch his face gently. We were still so close I could feel his breath fanning my neck.

"Show me you mean it."

I said softly and his Expression changed.

"I love you so much."

He said before kissing me harshly, releasing my hands and pressing his fingertips into my hips. I hummed against him as he walked us backwards. We stumbled along as he pulled my shirt up, tossing it to the floor.

"Matt."

I moaned, pulling his shirt up next. It was gone in a second and he was back, kissing me and moving quickly to get my pants down. His hands roamed my body just as much as mine roamed his. I traced my fingers slowly up his torso, grazing over his scars before wrapping my arms around his neck. I gasped when he picked me up. There was a soft laugh that escaped him and I was relieved to see him smile even if it was just a second. He knew it would take some convincing and he was right. I needed to know he meant it. That Elektra wasn't gonna be a problem.

"I need you."

He whispered again, laying me gently on the bed and situating himself between my legs.

"I need you to know how much I mean it."

He kissed my jaw slowly, then down my neck and across my collar bone.

"Prove it."

I challenged, my breath hitching in my throat as he ripped my bra open from the front, his lips grazing my nipple before taking it into his mouth. He hummed against me, his finger tips down my torso and into my panties.

"Matt."

I moaned, dropping my head back as he ran his finger up me and against my clit. i closed my eyes, pushing my head back into the bed as he stroked me, kissing his way back up to my exposed neck.

"i love you."

he repeated against the heat of my skin. when he resituated i could feel how hard he was already.

"i need you."

i breathed out, pressing my hips up into him as he continued to finger me.

"matt."

i whined, him removing his hand long enough to pull my panties down. i looked up to him with lust blown eyes, watching him intently as he got rid of his boxers.

"youre still okay with this?"

he asked and i nodded quickly, pulling his face to mine and kissing him deeply.

"please."

i moaned, inhaling deeply before he kissed me again, pushing his hips into mine. my breath caught in my throat as he pushed all the way into me, catching my bottom lip between his teeth as my mouth hung open.

"i wanna hear you."

he said softly.

"feel you."

he moaned against my shoulder, dropping his head to the crook of my neck as he placed his large palm over my heart. it was already banging at my rib cage begging to be let out but i could have swore it did when he started moving. he pulled out of me slowly before slamming back into me and i moaned so loudly i was surprised at myself. and then he did it again and again, getting a good rhythm. it was long, and hard. nothing like our nights prior, even on his worst of days when he's frustrated and in need of release. no this was different. purposeful.

"matt."

i held onto him for dear life, pressing my fingertips into his shoulder blades as he continued to pound into me in long drawn out strokes.

"tell me. tell me what you want."

he grunted out, trying to sound as steady as possible.

"i want you. god i only want you!"

i cried out as he thrusted upward harshly. then he did it again and i saw stars, my mouth falling open as i moaned.

"thats my girl."

he praised, trailing his hand down my torso and pressing his finger in circles against my clit.

"youre almost there."

he coaxed, building me up. i could feel the tightness building, pressing my hips up to meet him as he kept his pace.

"im so close."

i panted, pressing my finger tips harder into his bicep as i gripped onto him.

"do it, do it for me, let go."

he said softly and i snapped. my orgasm racked through my body and my vision went blurry. i was breathing hard as he rode out my high, still chasing his own.

"im almost there."

he said, squeezing his eyes shut. he moved to pull out but i wrapped my legs tightly around his waist.

"y/n?"

he asked surprised and i leaned up to kiss him.

"just do it."

i said, pressing a hard kiss to his neck. he kept going, knuckles going white against the bedsheets as he came in me with a loud groan.

"oh my god."

he panted, slowing his thrusts.

"i love you oh my god."

he said, dropping to his forearms, trying not to put his full weight on top of me. my legs were still wrapped tightly around his torso as we both calmed down.

"i love you too matty."

i said softly, feeling him nuzzle his nose against my neck. it made me giggle a little bit and i could feel him smiling against my skin before kissing it gently.

"you have no idea how relieved i am to hear that. youre the only one for me. always will be."

i sighed softly in content, kissing his forehead and dropping my legs.

"im sorry i doubted you. i just. i need a reminder every once in a while i guess."

he kissed my chest before pulling out of me and dropping to the bed beside me.

"i will give you as many reminders as you need, as long as we both shall live."

he said, taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"thank you matt. thank you for everything. especially knocking some sense into me."

he raised a brow, a half smirk on his face and i immediately wondered what was going through that mind of his.

"after tonight sense might not be the only thing i knocked into you."

i couldnt help but laugh, him matching it as i rolled onto his chest.

"i know you want nothing more than to tell the father we're finally starting that catholic family with lots and lots of beautiful babies but i still have my iud."

he let out a short laugh sigh before i kissed him quickly.

"but that doesnt mean i couldnt be persuaded into getting it taken out."

he raised an intrigued brow.

"oh?"

i laughed lightly.

"ill think about it. right now i just wanna live in this moment with you."

i said the last bit through a yawn, resting my head against his chest and hearing his heartbeat.

"i love you."

he whispered, earning a hum from me as i dozed off.

[nebulathespacepirate]

I made this post after my 10year old cat died in 2015 after being ill for some time. We missed the early signs back then, tried to give her help but it was futile and too painful for her. And this november one of my cats died. Her name was Vasya - Vasilisa. I came home that evening, kissed her, she was fine. A few hours passed, i came by her again, she had trouble breathing. I took her in my arms, accidentally smelled her breath - it was horrible. Me and my mom started giving her water and dissolved baking soda (good for poisoning), she didnt get any better, had trouble walking and then just laid down. It was near 9pm, almost all the vet clinics were closed, but i phoned some vet trying to get answers what to do, but the answering girl only named the price, and i said i was afraid they were not gonna make it in time. Then they called back saying they were not going to come. I decided to bring her to the clinic that was supposedly open. My baby started screaming by that time. Thank god i dont really remember that sound. She didnt talk much in her life. We put her in that cat bag, went out. There was ice on the ground. She went quiet in the middle of our way there. I didnt cry at first, couldnt imagine her not being alive. For some reason we kept going and when we reached the clinic there was a sign saying they were closed early that day. We opened the bag, she was gone. We went home, i cried, still couldnt believe anything. Took a shovel, found a place where the ground wasn't frozen, buried her. I still couldn't think straight. I got ill a day after (after my mom who had been sick with flu or some virus before that week). For two weeks i was almost delusional, cried all the time. Then went to work again. Thought i got better, cried in the evenings of course but still was doing better. Then the new year holidays started and i fucking started losing my mind all over again. I dont want to remember anymore but i have this intense guilt like i fucked up several times that night. For some dumb reason i decided not to wait until the morning and not to try and find out from the vets what the fuck happened to her. The biggest mistake of my life. The thing is she was only 4 years old, didnt have any signs of health problems except she was a bit overweight and not very active (she was sterilised for 2.5 years). I was so distracted from everything those days with my mom being sick and all that i missed the possible changes. I kept thinking about the causes ever since, came up only with heart attack (which is often described as not showing any previous symptoms) and maybe it was caused by that virus we had. All the other explanations are mystical. The only thing that makes it easier is that she didnt suffer much. It wasnt weeks on the IV like with my poor kitty in 2015 or long and probably useless rehabilitation afterwards if we could save her.

I hadnt been well that month, was actually hoping i would catch that something from my mom so i could get rest, stay home, sleep, spend time with my cats. And that i did. My god, she was my..i dont wanna say favourite. But she was mine. When she was born, my mom instantly decided to keep her only sister, because she looked a little like our old cat (from the post above). And we thought that Vasya was male at first and tried to find her a home. By the time some ppl agreed to come look at her, we realised she was a girl and i was in love. And she stayed. When she got a bit older, she always slept in my room, considered me her owner, and i basically took care of her till this past summer when my mother and i had to exchange the bedrooms and at night the doors stayed open and the cats went where they wanted.

I knew i had depression for a while but it was manageable. Or i didnt want to do anything about it. Now that my baby's death hit me so hard, i went crazy. I cry all the time and not even about her anymore. My mood changes 10 times a day. I managed to distract myself by this time and feel alright now, but i know that tomorrow i will go through a few circles of hell again. I probably need help, we'll see about that.

Sometimes i think i accepted it and then i think about it and still cant believe she died. In my head i describe myself as the girl owning this cat, nothing else seems to matter. And she left me.

I love you to death, Vasya. I dont have the words to describe what you were to me.

is it normal for the ones who stayed alive to blame themselves for the loss of their loved ones

[garne--tt]

x japan iceberg explained;

before i start, i probably didnt explain something right and if u want to correct me or add something, feel free and even dm me about it! + i will add trigger warnings for possible triggering content in this post

1.

formed in 1982 - x was formed in 1982 after toshis and yoshikis previous band disbanded

X --> X JAPAN - they changed their name from X to X JAPAN in 1992 in order to distinguish themselves from the american punk rock band X 

Saw IV - a horror movie from 2007, x japan did a theme song I.V. for the movie, it was their first song released since 1998

new album - an new x japan album that was supposed to be released lots of times over the 10+years but still (to this day) wasnt released

coachella 2018 - x japan performed at coachella 2018, many fans are saying how the sound was bad (usually blaming it on the sound production team?? or whatever its called) and apparently sugizo and yoshiki were seen arguing with the sound production team

we are x - a 2016 documentary about x japan (or rather yoshiki, because apparently it was mainly focusing on him)

psychidelic violence crime of visual shock - a slogan, mainly seen on the blue blood album cover, the term visual kei was derived from the slogan yoshiki, toshi, hide, pata, taiji - the most known lineup, from 1987 to 1992

2. tw// suicide mention

violet uk - one of unfinished yoshikis projects, started in 2002, didnt even debut but was supposed to in 2012

V2 - unit of yoshiki and tetsuya komuro, was active in 1992, they released one single and did one concert

ra:in - patas band, active since 2002, members are - pata, michiaki, die (also former member of spread beaver), ryu

noise/dynamite - toshis and yoshikis first band, formed in 1977 as dynamite, then they changed the name to noise, noise disbanded in 1982

s.k.i.n. - superband (group) of yoshiki, gackt, miyavi and sugizo, their only activity was in 2007 and it was live, they announced more activities but they were stopped

xfreaks - an international xjapan fan forum created in 2006

dope headz - band that had heath and pata as members, active from 2000 to 2003

hide with spread beaver - hides live band, other members were kiyoshi, k.a.z, hiroshi watanabe, satoshi miyawaki, d.i.e, i.n.a

zilch - supergroup formed by hide in 1996, other members were ray mcveigh,paul raven, joey castillo and i.n.a

lynx - one of heaths band, active from 2004-?, the vocalist for this band was issay from der zibet

yokosuka saver tiger - hides former band, he was member from 1981 to 1986 sugizo - luna sea guitarist, he joined x japan in 2008

hides death - hide committed suicide in 1998 (he hanged himself) update: this is what authorities said and what is official

3. tw// suicide

taijis death - in 2011 taiji was flying from japan to saipan, on the flight he got into fight with his manager (or flight attendant?), he was arrested after they landed in saipan and then he hanged himself with bedsheet in his cell

x japan translations - an site that had xjapan translations (like toshis book etc...), the site was active and up until 2018

taijis departure from X - taiji left X in 1992, but we dont know the exact reason why he left

toshi was in cult - toshi was member of cult known as home of heart from the late 90s (1998?)

1997 - the year x japan disbanded

yoshiki and queen elizabeth incident - in 2019 during royal windsor cup yoshikis scarf accidentally landed on queen elizabeth

yoshiki knows everyone - (not everyone ofc) but he met a lot of celebrities, politicians (barrack obama, johnny depp, prince phillip, bts etc,,)

art of life - a 29 minute song released released in 1993, it was was recorded only in english, the theme of the song are yoshikis suicidal tendencies, art of life was meant to be released in the jealousy album (1991)

yoshikis father - yoshikis father committed suicide when yoshiki was 10 years old

taijis cut off joint on finger - taiji when he was kid, showed his hand into a factory machine (his family owned factory) and cut off his first joint on his finger

yoshikis health problems - yoshiki has tons of health problem since he was child (asthma, he was always sick and spent most of the time in hospitals etc,,) and suffers from many of health problems even now

4.

toshis healing music - toshis music he made during the home of heart era

kaori moritani & masaya - kaori moritani is toshis ex wife, they met in around 1993 when they played in rock opera hamlet, they got married in 1997 and divorced in 2010, she introduced him to masaya (and got him, or rather manipulated him, into home of heart) 

masaya -  real name tōru kurabuchi - musician and leader of home of heart

-more about home of heart and the whole situation here: https://bloodydesertrose.tumblr.com/post/96662764536/support-toshi-dont-buy-or-listen-to-any-of-his-songs

debut in usa - x japan was supposed to debut in usa in the 90s (and even changed their name because of it, x-->xjapan)

extasy record - label formed by yoshiki in 1986, the first release under extasy records was x orgasm ep, the label had bands like xjapan, luna sea, glay, zi:kill tokyo yankees and more

yoshiki paid for taijis new teeth - after hides funeral yoshiki noticed that taijis some teeth were missing or chipped, so he handed him around 2 million yen (around 18 497 usd) to get his teeth fixed

l.o.x. - punk rock supergroup, yoshiki was drummer in this band, they also used to be named masami & l.o.x (masami was their vocalist), masami collapsed and fell into coma in 1989 and died in 1992 due to pneumonia in coma, l.o.x released one album with different vocalist (one of them which was toshi and yoshiki went by the alias shiratori rei here on the album) in 1990, l.o.x. released one song in 2002 in memory of masami

standing sex promotional shot & single cover - the promotional shot & single cover basically shows yoshiki nude (with his intimate parts covered of course + this wasnt the only time yoshiki has done something like this) 

rose & blood -indies of x- - an unofficial album with demos and unreleased x songs

unreleased & old songs - there are a lot unreleased songs + unreleased old songs or just old songs that dont get played anymore

5.

rosenfeld - crows in black - blue blood has similar guitar riff (i dont know how to say it) to this song (crows in black / b was firstly recorded on demo in 1986)

former members - x japan has big amount of former members - 11 former members (excluding taiji and hide from this)

terry - a former member of x, he was one of the original members (being a member from 1982 to 1985), terry died in 2002 in car accident

yoshiki got sued by hides brother - yoshiki got sued by headwax (hides company which hides brother owns) for using hides photos, apparently they had a contract but it expired and yoshiki still used hides photos even though the contract expired

x japan condoms - they were released in 1993 with the intent to help increase awareness and prevent the spread of AIDS. the reason why they probably did this is that toshis fan died at the age of 19 due to AIDS (toshi even dedicated a song to him - passion of love and became a active member and sponsor of association of struggle against AIDS)

heath cow story - when heath joined xjapan they celebrated it by drinking and then driving 2 hours to cow farm, then they drove to aquarium but it was already closed

heath leaving x japan - in 2009 there was a rumor that heath would leave x japan, apparently this was caused due to heaths contract problems (?) dementia - taijis former band, he was member from 1984 to 1985 and went under the name ray

pata was roadie for x - before joining x in 1987, he was roadie for x (or the member hally) around the time in 1986 (1985?)

6.

pink spider was a suicide note - this one is a rumor/theory that is circulating around, fans analysed the lyrics and came to conclusion that its suicide note

x stayed at different hotels than other bands - when x was on tour with other bands they were staying at different hotels than other bands, because one time (on tour with other bands and in hotel) hide got into drunk fight with juichi morishige (lead vocalist of ziggy) and sprayed the entire hotel lounge with fire extinguisher

taiji was homeless - taiji was homeless for around 2 years (1996-1998), due to financial issues + he got divorced at this time

heaths myspace account - there was heath myspace account, but it wasnt him, it was someone pretending to be him

weekend pv theory - (i dont know if i should have put this here to be honest) a theory that x members chose what their death would be in weekend pv (yoshiki - suicide, hide - suicide in drunken rage??, taiji - murder, pata - alcohol poisoning, toshi doesnt die in the pv)

7.

hide vocaloid - hides unreleased song co gal got finished via vocaloid (using his voice samples from various songs of his)

yoshiki lead singer - before toshi was chosen to be the lead vocalist for x, yoshiki was the vocalist (there is also a recording of stab me in the back with mostly yoshiki on vocals!)

hide and marilyn manson meet up story - im gonna just attach a screenshot of the story

taiji was murdered - taiji committed suicide in 2011 in his cell on saipan, but there are some things that point to the possibility that he was murdered (his manager insisted on cremating his body and got cremated without autopsy, money got transfered on his account, information missing from the internet?? etc,,) 

juns tape - demo tape recorded in 1986 by at the time X guitarist jun, tape contains instrumental recordings of unreleased songs right now, only way, tune up and one unnamed song.

ill kill you single cover - cover of 1985 X single ill kill you, it contains photos of victims of the vietnam war

feel me tonight - demo tape from 1985/1986, it contains songs feel me tonight and stab me in the back (all of them are under one minute here) sung by their at the time guitarist hally (apparently there aslo should be yoshiki version of it, but i dont know how much we can trust metal archives)

8. tw// eating disorder mention

yoshiki hired someone to kill taiji - this one is a rumor!!!, yoshiki was supposed to get/hire yakuza to kill taiji hide had an eating disorder - this one is unconfirmed!!! hide  suffered from bulimia (yoshiki walked on him purging - and this story was also apparently told by yoshiki???)

[ankhisms]

just some venting & thinking about things in general under the cut ill be ok im just having one of those days u kno

recently talked to my dear friend who lives in chicago about how things are going & we were talking about him trying to raise enough/earn enough money to get his lovely amazing fiance a computer thatll be good for doing illustration work and anyway the point of me mentioning this is that i told him "yeah im unemployed right now" and i keep coming back to that phrase because it just feels... weird and incorrect despite yeah, i dont have a job right now, so that makes me unemployed. but ive been thinking a lot about my physical and mental health problems especially after how awful my last job was and how much i just felt completely and utterly unable to handle it or pass myself off as a ~normal person able to function normally~ no matter how much i tried. lately i wonder if the combo of my chronic pain/other physical illness problems and my various mental things makes it almost impossible for me to find and hold down a job that also isnt miserable for me yknow. as far as mental health goes my long term job at the flower farm was good because i didnt have to do customer service and my coworkers aside from one were very understanding of my audio processing issues and would explain things or help me until i was able to do things right and that was great. but on the flip side that job was so physically demanding that it literally broke my back and now i dont know if im even physically able to really do a job that i got my associates degree in horticulture for! like i dont think im physically capable of working on a farm anymore and i dont know how physically demanding greenhouse jobs would be in comparison but i also know that those are tough competition.

ive been hoping that there would be an opening at the library i volunteer at which i could maybe get but at this point im kind of giving up on that option because theres almost never any openings and when there are its like librarian students from the nearby uni get preference which makes sense. like two days ago i checked indeed for my area and saw that the humane society that i used to volunteer at has two different job openings so im going to work on applying for those but im also really filled with doubt because of how physically demanding the description of the job sounds. i am very good with taking care of animals and cleaning which is a lot of what the job would be but idk i just am worried that i just am unable to hold down a job like i said before.

also just feeling very discouraged and disheartened lately i just have so little faith in myself and am constantly doubting myself and feel like giving up on everything. last night i had really awful trauma nightmares which isnt unusual i have a lot of nightmares but the ones last night really shook me up because it was all these people from the past and the present including my parents my abuser and people i love like humiliating me and yelling at me about how nothing i did or created was any good and that its all trash and embarrassing and that i just need to give up and that wanting to be an actor is just a fairy tale dream that isnt possible and stuff with my parents throwing things at me and just very stressful. and idk i do feel like giving up a lot lately im always begging the universe for some kind of sign of what im supposed to do or some kind of help from the universe but instead i just get nightmares of people telling me to give up. but i wont ill keep trying even if its hard

anyway thanks if you read all this. love you and hope yoyr days going well

[star-gamerxox]

Daybreaks Birthday/1st Anniversary

So I wanted to start with remaking (sorta) the first drawing I ever did of them, their ref. I also did some adjustments, mostly with daybreak, and changed their pictures to fit my style more now that a lot has changed. When I first drew them, I was still drawing 5-fingered hands. A lot changes in a year.

Im really proud of this except 1 thing… I kinda, sorta, drew Sunrise’s small arm on the wrong side…

KEEP READING FOR MY WRITING, COMIC, AND CREDITS (AND STUFF). I DONT WANNA MAKE THIS POST TOO SUPER LONG SO IM ADDING A CUT TO IT.

Warnings: Angst, mentions of possible death, slight hallucinations (you’ll understand what these are at the end)

Last sentence isn’t the end of the story, If it doesn’t show up, I made a comic to show the ending

“Hey, I know you’re not feeling well but I thought I’d tell you what we did yesterday, that way you can get excited to do it when you’re feeling better!” She smiled at her brother who watched her for a moment but said nothing. He must not have felt like talking.

“We went riding in a hot air balloon yesterday!” Sunrise grabbed her brother's hand with her hand, although she had to pull away to rub her eyes as her other arm, shortened to a nub as always, couldn’t do that for her.

“Papa likes to buy you things when we go out, I bet you noticed them on your dresser,” she giggled and he gave a small nod and managed a smile. His face seemed a bit flushed and she frowned.

“Do you still have a fever?” She stood to feel her brothers forehead, gasping as she nearly tipped over when she lost her balance. She took a step backwards, gasping quietly in shock. She started to shake a bit. Falling over was terrifying for her.

“You okay?” Daybreaks voice sounded like a ghostly whisper. His throat must have hurt him a lot.

“I’m fine Day, don’t worry… do you want anything?” She asked and he shook his head softly. She smiled at him and shifted to sit down next to him, meeting his gaze before sighing.

“How are papa and dad?” He coughed as he whispered those words. She reached out to grab her brothers hand and sighed as she locked eyes with him, her voice shaking.

“Papa doesn’t come home much anymore… he insists that you’re like this because he ‘broke his promise’… Dad had to explain it to me… I was two days old when you nearly died and apparently papa promised you that he’d be a better papa if you were okay… apparently he thinks he broke that promise and that’s why you’re…” she stared at his closed eyes and started to cry. His eyes were closed. They’d been closed for over two years.

“That’s why you’re in a coma!” She had been pretending all that time. Her school counselor said the hallucinations were just how her brain coped with two years of not having her best friend but she just thought she was being petty. She felt selfish. Why could her brain create these moments with her brother but her parents were left to suffer without him.

“Two years Daybreak… why aren’t you awake now? It’s… bubba… you’re fifteen and a half… well not really anymore huh? It’s your sixteenth birthday… you collapsed on my twelfth birthday… it’s not fair.” She balled her hands in his blankets and openly sobbed for a bit.

“Papa is gone and dad is trying so hard to take care of you, me, and help papa with their ‘work’ and finding the cure for papa… but I don’t know what to do anymore. Syntax comes over everyday but I still feel alone.” Her voice cracked. Syntax, Daybreak's best friend from school, was the son of Error and Blue. He had come over everyday since Daybreak went into a coma. He had told Sunrise how his best friend would have gotten pissed at him if he didn’t take care of his little sister while he was gone.

Sunrise was thankful for that. With Syntax around all the time, he had become her best friend too, only having to ‘compete’ with Starbow, her childhood best friend. (Starbow by @seertale)

“Yesterday, while Syntax was changing your IVs, i was talking with Starbow and dad… I jokingly acted like I could raise objects… things actually started to lift… we got all excited until we heard static from your room. Syntax had just glitched out than crashed… I still don’t have magic… papa and dad always say that they much prefer my affliction of the curse compared to yours… I’m just magicless and missing half an arm…. You are partially blind because you nearly died at 18 months, and now are in a coma again…” she hiccuped and leaned her head against his bed.

“Bubba… please wake up… please…” unannounced to her, there was a faint orange glow falling with her tears and a faint glow around her hands as she begged her brother to wake up.

“Sunrise! I made dinner! Come on,” she glanced up, standing to see Syntax at the door. She wiped away her tears as he sighed.

“Come on… let’s eat…” he whispered.

“Give me a minute then I’ll be out…” she whispered, after a moment he nodded and walked back into the main part of the house, she sat back down next to her brother, starting to cry once more and her fingers dug into her brothers blankets, barely realizing that her magic was appearing… and she had no clue what it was about to do.

okay so this project with just above took me about 4, close to 5 hours. But then add about 45 minutes cause i drew all that little whispy ‘magic’ on the line art and I wanted a picture without that… here is said picture without the effects

credits:

Dark Cream belongs to @zu-is-here

dream belongs to Joku

cross belongs to Jaeki

my kiddos belong to me

syntax belongs to me

starbows credits are in the reading

also tagging @turtleduckrabbit because why not, it used to be the hub for dark cream kid stuff, idk if it is as much anymore but still.

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

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