#because my only point of reference was grey's anatomy and i definitely am not a fan of it

[adashofnirvana]

came to house for the middle aged men yaoi, stayed for every single character

[daaziscoolbesties]

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

[falsegoodnight]

what're you working on right now???

okay i don’t think anyone needs a really long answer to this but what can i say, i love talking about my own wips (the current count of them are 35 on the main list and 8 on the second list YES I’M CRAZY I KNOW). 

i’m actually working on multiple things right now but the main ones are:

✰ a sequel to my love’s not simple (it’s fragile), aka my first abo! it’s not going to be super long, maybe around 15k? but i’ve missed this world so it’s fun to get back into it! this is set to come out by the end of the month as a birthday present for a dear friend of mine (YES, all three fics this month have been dedicated to someone else - there’s too many birthdays in this month geez). it’s at 3k right now, so a fifth of the way through!!

✰ my october fic! idk how many people are going to see this but i’ve decided that my destruction fic (see wip page for more info) is what i’ll be trying to finish for the ninth! it’s exes to lovers, slow burn, a bit angsty, and also involves superpowers!! it’s also different from my usual type of fic in that the romantic aspects will be more subdued in favor of focusing on plot and development but it’s still a ris fic, you know? also, journalist harry <333 this is only at 3k and i really need to get on that haha. 

✰ my blffs! i have two prompts: 

347: Harry and Louis dated but Louis obviously did something to piss off the universe because years later, Harry ends up being the wedding planner for Louis’ marriage that anyone can clearly see he doesn’t want. Harry starts planning Louis’ wedding based off of how Harry used to describe to Louis what he imagined their wedding to be like. (I’m also making it mpreg so it’s basically a shotgun wedding <3) 

currently at: 23k out of an estimated 52k

63: Friends to lovers AU where Harry and Louis are best friends and flatmates in Uni and they both need money, Harry for his gym membership and Louis for cute stuff like sanrio plushies, so they decide to film homemade porn videos together. Louis is shy and sweet and maybe inexperienced and Harry kinda doms him.

currently at: 5k out of an estimated 28k 

i really need to get on those too haha. but after october 9th, they’ll be by main priority!

the rest are more on the side and less of priorities! 

✰ pack au - more information here but the basic info is that it’s an abo pack au where harry is the heir to the pack (future pack alpha) and he’s betrothed to louis (future pack luna) and they’re not supposed to interact until they come of age... and yet... lots of yearning and breaking the rules and letters and soft stuff <33 and COURTING <3

i haven’t been working on it for a bit because of other fics but t’s at 7k out of an estimated 50k. this is my comfort fic and i mostly pull it out to cheer me up when i’m sad/stressed. 

✰ nurse louis au - so i’ve had this idea for a few months but i’ve been watching grey’s anatomy for the first time with my sisters and it inspired me to spontaneously do a curious cat word prompt for this story and, well, i got hooked. i’ve done two mini snippets for it on twitter, one of which you can find here. this was originally really low on my priority list but i’m moving it up because i’m excited about it! (it’s also not even on my tumblr wip list yet because i am terrible at keeping up with that!)

it’s only about 1.2k out of an estimated 35-40k! 

✰ something else with @soldouthaz ;) - no more info on that <3

✰ other drabbles - i have a ridiculously ambitious list of drabbles i want to write including two for the swan lake au, another one for sleeping on our problems (the first one i did was literally posted today and you can find it here), and a couple for the peach universe which will be posted on clicktosubmit. i haven’t touched any of those in a little bit but hopefully, i’ll get at least a few done by the end of the year. 

again, this answer was probably really unnecessarily long but if anything i can just use this as a point of reference especially when things get hectic. i have two fics i definitely want to get out in the next few weeks and then i’ll probably take a break from posting in order to focus on my blffs. there’ll probably be a november fic but who knows how busy with classes i’ll be then (i don’t even want to think about it tbh--)

but, anyways, sorry it’s so long! :)

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy 16x21 review

Wow just wow

We start with the most minor event of the episode.

___________________________________________

Deluca

Finally realized he needed help, I had kinda found myself on the 2 way fence with him because on one hand I knew that he was having problems mentally, but he was right and I've experienced people ignoring what I know and have to say because of my mental health, so I was livid that everyone was just ignoring him, but then I also could see where Bailey and the others were coming from. Deluca was acting quite irrationality and it's hard to listen to someone who seems so rash and aggressive as well as ignoring orders, allow allowing him to be around patients would have been a mistake, (that hospital has had enough bad press.) I'm glad he had his breakdown because now he can get the help he needs to function rationally, we can see that he's clearly an amazing surgeon and I could definitely see him going into the diagnostic aspect of things. That would be a great addition to Grey's If you asked me. He has a lot of potential to be a great surgeon and when he gets the help that he needs he can do even better because his coworkers will support him now.

___________________________________________

Teddy/Owen /Tom

😬🤦🏾‍♀️ (They actually managed to make me feel sorry for Owen.)

When Teddy first came to Grey's, I loved her she was one of my favorite characters despite the mess with Owen and Christina, she was sweet and peppy without being over the top with it and she was one of the most respectful women on Grey's but now just like Alex they just poofed away her character development. I guess I should be glad that Henry died because she would have probably cheated on him too. I couldn't believe that after sleeping with Tom she had the audacity to marry Owen that SAME NIGHT (WTF). How could she do something like that to anyone? That's low. At this point I'm thinking she should end up with neither and be alone because this is just a hot mess.

Never thought I'd ever say these words but poor Owen, this is the healthiest he has been in any relationship and I want to say he deserved it for what he did to Christina and then to his other girlfriend when he slept with Christina but then he just found out in the most brutal way, in front of all of his co workers who weren't buying the wedding gift thing at all, so now not only does everyone basically know that he was cheated on but he found it out at the same time as them.

Tom I feel sorry for but as the situation went further and further I started to feel a little less for him. He loves Teddy, yes but continuing to sleep with her when you know she's engaged and has a kid with them is down right awful. Then he went to confess his love for her and even after she turns him down he still sleeps with her. I was so proud of him when he had dumped her but now he's in the same position once again and also at the back end of the stick. Teddy is probably going to choose Owen just like she was going to in this episode.

They can stay in that circle but as long as Amelia is officially out of that mess at this point i couldn't be bothered.

___________________________________________

Amelia/Link

Speaking of my darling Amelia, she got her baby, a health little boy. I'm so happy for her, she even managed to have her baby without a hitch a rare treat in Grey's. When she walked off on her own after her water broke I'll admit I was a little scared. I love how they brought in Bailey although I would have preferred Link, I enjoyed the parallel they did between George helping Bailey and her helping Amelia. It gave me major nostalgia vibes that has now confirmed my urge to rewatch the series. Amelia trully was a trooper and was so adorable. The few moments we got to see with her and Link were adorable. They're going to be an adorable little family.

The baby currently has no name which is probably going to be revealed next season which gives them enough time to read all of the request that people have for the baby to be called Derek.I read someone saying the baby is going to be named after Bailey but I don't think so, Derek was her brother and besides Meredith already has a son named Bailey, three Baileys might be to much.

___________________________________________

Richard

Thank God he is alright, it turned out to be a hip replacement gone bad, (I knew the diagnosis would have been something I saw on House.) Deluca like everyone suspected was the one to solve the case. I'm glad it wasn't a wrong diagnosis and everything went well, but what I want to know is wouldn't he have been feeling pain in the hip prior to his episode because an infection gone that long should have been painful but Idk I'm not a doctor. He actually had very little screen time for being the major storyline of the episode, but this wasn't meant to be the season finale so I'm guessing they were going to focus more on the recovery.

Then there was him and Catherine, he put Catherine out which I guess was fair enough, his memories would have ended during the fight so he doesn't have any recollection on anything else. I'm glad that they're going to make her work for it a bit and more importantly that she's ACTUALLY learning her lesson. I do think they're going to end up together again. How?? Idk especially because I don't think money is going to be of much help seeing that that was a large part of the issues so she might actually have to work for it the normal way.

She's definitely getting there after all she was willing to step down from her organization to look after him and that right there is love.

___________________________________________

Meredith

Now I love Meredith, she's awesome. However, Her and Deluca...... am I happy that she was there for him? Yes, because no one else was on his side not even his sister, but at the end of the episode when he finally admitted something was wrong then would have been a good time to check him into the hospital. Taking him to her home isn't going to help. He needs an evaluation and possibly meds, especially now when he seemed to be accepting to the help. I just hope this isn't going to be another Alex and Rebecca moment again.

Dr Haynes asked her out, I don't know how I feel about it. I mean theh have cute conversations about their kids and past spouses. But besides that peek we got into his life at the convention, his only role in the show is to magically end up around her and I'm going to need more material on him before I can ship. Quite honestly I feel like Meredith is fine on her own right now TBH.

___________________________________________

Bailey

Finally listened to Deluca, I guess there were no chances to be taken with Richard, which is a very right way to go about it. And then she helped Amelia through her birth. It was sad to watch because not only was it a very similar birth to her own (besides husband on the surgery table as the patient) bringing up memories of her first birth. But she also had to deal with the fact that she would have been either just about due or already have delivered her baby girl around the same time but instead her baby is gone and she doesn't get to have that joy everytime they either mention or reference her miscarriage I die a little inside and when she brought up the pregnancy club😭😭😭😭 . She definitely was strong for staying through the birth.

(I still have my fingers crossed that they will adopt a baby or at least a younger kid, I've always wanted to see them raise a kid from young together. We only got peeks with Tuck and that's probably because his dad is still around.)

___________________________________________

Maggie

I was kind of disappointed with the lack of screen time she got with Richard, same with Bailey but anyway, what happened to her dream man? Where is he? I mean I know it would have take a while to settle things to take leave from his job,but no phone calls or any mention of him O hope the plot isn't just going to drop off.

___________________________________________

Jackson

Continuing the work of Mark Sloan, supporting his mother and possibly transitioning to Station 19.

___________________________________________

Notes and questions

What will Amelia's Baby be called?

How will Richard's recovery go and will he and Catherine reunite?

Is Meredith going to choose Deluca or Haynes? (Not gonna lie I'm tired of Mer a d love triangles.)

Who will Teddy pick? Tom or Owen? (I'm definitely over this love triangle as well.)

What happened to Maggie's new love interest? When is he coming back?

Is Jackson leaving for station 19?

Will Nico and Levi be in a relationship again?

What will happen with Jo and her new path in life?

Will Deluca get the help he needs and unlock his full surgeon potential?

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 62

~*~Emma~*~

I slapped at my phone until the alarm stopped. My head was exploding. Why did I think drinking champagne all day was a good idea? I guess it was better than being sober all day. Thankfully, there was Advil in my purse and a bottle of water on the nightstand. The alarm went off again. I grabbed my phone, silenced the alarm, and checked what I'd done. There were alarms set for every fifteen minutes. Must have hit snooze last time. At least I'd had the forethought to set my alarm early enough to pack. There was a little blinking light telling me I had a text.

Sebastian ~ Up early for a TV interview. Hope you're not feeling too bad. Enjoy your morning with the women.

Sebastian ~ If we miss each other have a safe flight.

Sebastian ~ Check Instagram

 Uh oh. Wonder what he posted. I touched the notification saying he'd posted and laughed. The mouse ears were so him. He looked adorable. The mocking expression on his face and the caption was perfect. From the many, many comments his fans agreed. I liked the post but went back to text to comment.

Emma ~ Funny, funny boy. And cute.

Emma ~ Head bursting. My own fault.

Emma ~ xoxo

 I showered, packed, got ready, and double-checked I had everything before dragging my bag downstairs. The house was quiet. I'd said my good-byes to Dad, Amy, and Katie last night. Mom came down as I was finishing my toast and fruit. She was dressed in scrubs and looked like her Advil hadn't kicked in yet. She went straight to the Keurig, "How's your head?"

I held up my coffee cup, "Caffeine and Advil have helped. You?"

"Why did we think that was a good idea?"

I laughed, "It was fun."

"You need to drink a lot of water before your flight."

"Will do." I grabbed us both a bottle of water out of the fridge.

In the car, mom called into work and did her typical morning meeting. I used to love going in to do rounds. Very Grey’s Anatomy. Not quite as fascinating as an adult. I used the time to post a couple of things on Instagram. Amy and I had mom take identical pictures yesterday and I posted them with dad’s bad joke about not being able to imagine what I'd look like with short hair. The first pick was me with long hair and if you swiped you got Amy with shorter hair. One more swipe gave you a picture of us both.

Chris Evans was the first comment, "You just gave Seb a heart attack."

I sent back, "Na, we had a FT date last night."

If Sebastian, Chris, and Chace were going to be commenting I needed to go through my followers and cull the people with which I didn't interact. By the look of follow requests, Amy must have given out my user name. Most were people from Saturday. That wasn't going to happen. Lauren was the only possible and I left her on the list. The others I declined. Even without the Three Musketeers, I wouldn’t have approved them.

The shelter had a real name, but if you knew where and what it was you referred to it as a home for lost girls. There was usually a wide range of ages, but they were all lost girls. Mom went to set up and I joined the other women in the common room. There was no time limit for staying and every time I came here it was a mix of old and new faces. Stacy, one of the therapists from my rehab facility, was now the director and she joined us ten minutes after I'd arrived. She called for everyone to gather and I joined in their morning group. So many women with so many stories just trying to make it through the nights. I was cautious with what I disclosed but easily gave feedback and comfort. When group was over mom started calling today's patients back. Others went off to start their day and I stayed with whoever was left. I spent a long time with a girl who couldn’t be much over eighteen. Her timid jumpiness told me she was new, her story fresh. I sat with her, Stacy, and two other residents until they convinced her to join them for some distraction.

Stacy studied my face, "You look happy. Things going well?"

There was always a check. She did groups when I was in rehab, so while I worked with her it wasn’t individual. I’m sure she knew more about me from treatment planning meetings than I’d shared with her. I had asked Trevor once what he shared and he said just the basics, but not details of my story.  "Very. Work, good volleyball team, life in general." I felt the smile forming.

"That's a boyfriend face if I’ve ever seen one."

"He’s pretty great." I glanced to the hall making sure my mom wasn't there. "Helped me get through this long weekend."

"I guess that means I won't be seeing you more often. You're very soothing. I could put you to good use."

I cringed, "Don't let mom hear you say that."

The fun thing about talking to Stacy in this setting is I get to know about her life too. We caught up like old friends until mom was ready to go.

"There's enough time to get a coffee. You could tell me more about you and Sebastian."

Seriously? I've been here four days. We're on the way to the airport. This is the last possible moment she could ask about us, about him. I am doubtful of the sincerity of her curiosity.

"Mom, I appreciate the olive branch, but no, I don't want to have coffee and talk about Sebastian."

She didn't look at me.

I felt a little bad. "Is there something going on with Amy I don't know about?"

Her face read panic when she looked over, "Why would you ask that?"

"Because you and dad are so, I don’t know, protective. She hasn't used since she got pregnant. She's a good mom. Work is good. Saturday was fun. She and Max are a thing. Since Christmastime, we’ve talked and texted more. She seems in a good place. I don’t get why I’m supposed to pretend my life sucks. Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No, she's doing well. Can you understand we want to keep it that way?"

"Of course, but is sheltering her like this necessary?" She started to say something and I held up my hand. "Let me finish. You're trying so hard to protect her you've hurt me. I’ve never felt less important than this visit. Completely discounted. Like you don't care about my life, my happiness."

"That's not true, but Amy..."

I interrupted, angry now, "No, mom. I tell you my feelings are hurt and I feel unimportant and instead of addressing me you say "but Amy." I don't brag about myself, but it seems like anything above my total failure is assumed to make her inferior. If that's true she needs a better therapist. Did you ever consider that your over-protectiveness tells her she's not capable? Just like when we were sixteen, what you see as best is the worst possible thing for me. You saw us as broken and damaged. When I didn't see myself that way you focused on Amy instead of putting aside your guilt and fear to figure out what I needed. I didn’t need pity or to be seen as half a person damaged by a tragedy. I needed to be seen as a strong whole person who had something bad happen. Twelve years later my experience is still less because I wasn't addicted to heroin. The rest was different but equally bad."

"I understand that, Emma. I'm proud of you. I don't know the reasons, why you soar and she struggles. Maybe part is on us. We were devasted and grieving. Amy's reaction made sense. Yours didn’t. You are not less important. Your happiness matters. You are stronger than Amy. It takes nothing from you to restrain what you talk about in front of her."

Right back where we started. "The only reason it doesn’t is that I won't let it."

The look on her face was relieved. Pleased. She misunderstood and I wasn't willing to clarify.

It does take something from me to diminish my happiness and hide my successes. It does take something away from me to have my parents not ask about me except for the last half hour of my visit or expect me to whisper in the corner. With the limited time I spend with my biological family, I could do as they ask. The problem isn't as much what they ask of me, as much as their complete unawareness or lack of concern about my feelings. As Eli, and probably Sebastian, would say, "they chose Amy."

I choose me.

The silence was uncomfortable, so I filled it talking about room switches at work and my ideas for changing my room’s theme. It's possible I was being childish by refusing to talk about Sebastian. I definitely felt like a child right now. A surly one.

At the airport, we hugged, exchanged I love yous, and she told me to tell Sebastian it was nice to meet him. I said I would. Might have been a lie.

In the baggage check line, I mulled over options. I wanted a friendly voice, but I wanted to leave this behind. Angie and I had texted several times a day as usual and she knew what was going on.

Emma ~ Heading toward security. Once I clear I could use a friendly voice.

Angie ~ You can keep me company while I fold laundry. Support or distraction?

Emma ~ Distraction

Angie ~ Oh good, I want to hear the story behind the mouse ears. He looked hot.

Emma ~ Will do!

 There was plenty of time before my flight since I’d opted out of coffee with mom. I headed to the food court area. The first thing I saw was a Savannah Candy Kitchen and bought enough pralines to share at school tomorrow. We had to have our rooms packed by Friday if we wanted the custodial staff to move us. Luckily, I kept everything in my cabinets in totes and bins, so that was done. I enjoyed taking things down and starting over. I’d throw on some music, dance, and sing my way through the day.

One bite of praline and my stomach started screaming. I’d had toast and fruit for breakfast to work through the hangover. That was gone. I’d forgotten there was a Varsity in Terminal C. Mmmm. Cheeseburger, some home-made fries, and a super thick orange shake. I could walk to the one at UGA from my Freshman dorm. I found a table in a corner and took a picture to make people jealous with later before calling Angie.

“Mind if I eat while we talk?”

“We take our phones to the bathroom and keep on FaceTime.”

“Good point.” Not like we didn’t go to the bathroom together. Seemed silly to hang up. “Sebastian told me I could watch him pee the other night.”

She laughed, “How did this come up in conversation?”

“We were discussing birthday sex and it took a turn into limits. Watching him pee is as far as he’ll go.” We both laughed.

“Perfectly acceptable limit.”

“Definitely.” I shoved a fry in my mouth and moaned my approval. “He can feel the strings of my IUD.”

“Eli can’t.”

“Does Eli have short fingers?”

“Do you have a short vagina?”  We laughed some more, both knowing we’d be checking out their fingers the next time we were together. “What’s the deal with the ears?”

“I signed an NDA yesterday. Sebastian felt bad about it. Disney was the only studio on the thing, so I sent him ears.” I shrugged and took a bite of my burger.

“That’s cute. Both of you. There’s something hot about Disney knowing he’s going to tell you secrets and making sure you can’t repeat them.”

I talked around a mouthful of hamburger, “I thought the same thing!”

We talked about nothing and everything until my flight was called. Sometime in there, Eli came home and we were on speakerphone for a while. They had a gig this weekend and I’d be in town. Sebastian and I hadn’t talked about plans yet. I’d think about plans after I had my hands on him. Literally. About an hour after.

Once we were high enough, I switched my phone on and connected to the plane's WiFi. I’d missed a text while I was talking to Eli and Angie.

Sebastian ~ Woo hoo, where are you?

Emma ~ 30,000 feet above Georgia.

Emma ~ I was talking to Angie and Eli and missed you. ☹

Sebastian ~ No sad face. I’m here. I miss you too.

Emma ~ Hi . . . what are you doing?

Sebastian ~ Finished with a lunch. Meeting/sightseeing trip soon. Pretty sure that means going to a bar.

Emma ~ Or strip club. Look, don’t touch.

Sebastian ~ Promise. Don’t think that’s the plan. What are you doing tonight?

Emma ~ Not a damn thing. Sitting in the quiet of my house.

Sebastian ~ Sounds peaceful. I’m afraid to ask how today went.

Emma ~ Shelter was great. Drive to airport not so much. Nothing worth whining about. I feel like I’ve done enough of that lately.

Sebastian ~ Not whining. I know you got this, but I liked being leaned on.

Emma ~ I liked you being there. Thank you again.

Sebastian ~ You’re welcome. Work tomorrow?

Emma ~ Yep, have to everything boxed up by Friday. Mallory and I are just switching rooms. I’ll be hosting lunches next year. Closer to the cafeteria. Closer to parking. Same view just the other side of the building.

Sebastian ~ Makes it easy. I’ll call you tomorrow. Not such a jam-packed day.

Emma ~ No worries. I see you in two days.

Sebastian ~ Going to kiss you so hard you’ll push me away.

Emma ~ Wouldn’t count on that, baby cakes.

Sebastian ~ Baby cakes . . . lol

Emma ~ Maybe one day I’ll pick one.

Sebastian ~ I enjoy the variety.

Emma ~ Very mood dependent

Sebastian ~ So asshole would be angry?

Emma ~ I’m far more creative than asshole.

Sebastian ~ I don’t doubt that. For now, Mr. Baby Cakes will do.

Emma ~ And you may address me as Princess Emeliana of Seattle. Dare you to scream that when you come.

Sebastian ~ Now I have to at least try. I’ll practice later.

Emma ~ Tease.

Sebastian ~ Only in the best way. I have to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Sebastian ~ I miss you, Em

Emma ~ Miss you too, Bastian

 I went back to Sebastian's Instagram account and did a quick scroll through the comments on his latest post. Even though I wasn't mentioned it was the first sign of me on his IG and I was curious. The closest anyone got was a question if they were his ears because they were Minnie ears. That was irrelevant. I picked them because they matched my bikini and he would notice. I didn't go back to the picture from brunch, but it did get me thinking. I had no strong feelings one way or another about being photographed with him. I’ve never been into the whole Instagram official or Facebook relationship thing. Don't even have Facebook. Even for a non-celebrity, I think social media is more about perception than truth. I am guilty of that too. Hell, even this weekend. I was not immune to liking the attention from friends when I posted something. The DM's after Chris' comment had been fun as shit. There was the group picture from the tournament, but if you didn’t know it was Sebastian wrapped around me, you'd never recognize Sebastian. Ok, a fan would.

Sebastian had said we'd talk about fans later. He’d mentioned they weren't always nice to his friends or girlfriends. I went looking and it didn't take long to find a blog that chronicled his dating history. I was both intrigued and frightened. I understand the public figure piece and fan culture. But being able to see all this about my boyfriend felt like I was looking through his phone gallery and text messages. Alternately, if everyone else knew why shouldn’t I? My solution was to avoid information on Sebastian's relationships as much as I could and stick to fan reactions. It wasn't really hard to do. Pretty quickly I realized Twitter was a hot mess. The ease with which people hit reply and said things I hoped they'd never say face to face was like a shark feeding frenzy. Comment sections on Instagram weren't quite as bad. It lacked the voraciousness. Something about the way comments were nested with replies instead of a never-ending thread seemed less frantic. I now understood what Sebastian had said about the fans tearing each other apart. So often what should have been a disagreement turned into personal attacks. That shit was awful. Comments about friends and girlfriends were the typical fan bullshit. Friends were using him, exploiting the relationship, sharing pictures he didn't want them to, and bragging. Girlfriends weren't good enough, not pretty enough, also using him, and baiting fans. Several of the comments were fake nice. I'm sure some of that was trying to get on the friend, girlfriend, or his good side. Still, the bulk was positive. The negative minority was vocal and vicious.

One of the more interesting offshoots were Sebastian's reactions. They were stretched over years and more toward the whole situation. There were comments he made about it being out of line, hurtful to him, and few where'd he'd lost it and basically told someone to back off. I enjoyed the video clips with him talking about the toxicity and his position that he (and everyone else) needed to live their lives to make themselves happy. The biggest criticism of him was him not making them stop or coming to the defense of his girlfriends. Not sure how he'd make anyone stop. I was sure his lack of publicly defending wasn't indicative of anything except a refusal to engage. He would have taken shit if he had. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It was clear from our limited conversations on the topic, that he was unhappy with the idea of me being attacked. I wonder if the previous girlfriends were as upset by his assumed indifference as the fans were?

I caught the odd detail or a comment he'd made on an ex’s post. I kept scrolling. It was none of my business. Plus, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about seeing them. I felt a twitch of jealousy with what I had seen, but it was tempered with my belief that exes were exes for a reason. I think knowing too many details of those who came before could lead to comparisons and uncomfortable conversations. Wasn’t super excited to tell him about this, but I would.

As soon as we were given clearance to use our phones, I made a call, knowing it would go to voice mail. "Hey Trevor, it's Emma. Do you have some time for me? Nothing critical. I just got back from Georgia and wanted to talk. Talk to you soon."

I was almost home when Trevor called back, "I always have time for you, Emma."

I laughed, "Only because you like being able to say you've worked with someone for twelve years."

"Sort of. I'm invested. I like keeping up with you. Meet you at the office about five?"

It was almost four, "Perfect. Thank you, Trevor." That gave me time to unpack, start a load of laundry, and make a grocery list.

The office where Trevor and I met wasn't his. One of his friends had a private practice and we'd met there since I moved to Beacon. Before that, it was video sessions. It was after hours, so Trevor met me at the door and locked it behind me. We hugged briefly and I said, "Thank you for seeing me."

Trevor shook his head, "I'm glad you called." He held out his hand, directing me to the office.

"I hope I didn't screw up a parent's night out. I'll send Kristy a gift certificate to a spa. One with childcare. The baby is six months now?"

"Sara is five months. Want to see a picture?"

"Of course." I scoffed. He unlocked his phone and showed me. "She's beautiful, Trevor. I'm so happy for you. You guys will be great parents."

He smiled, "And how are yours?"

I shrugged with a grimace, "Same as always."

I spent the next who knows how long telling him the events and conversations of the last four days. We'd worked together long enough he knew my nonverbals and I knew to add in the words for my emotions. It saved a lot of time with him going back and making me “name my feelings”. When I finished with the car ride today, I took a deep breath and huffed it out.

Trevor said, "Wow."

I laughed. "I know. It was a lot."

"No." He shook his head, "I mean wow, you said all that to your mom. You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. That couldn't have been easy."

"I'd already talked to Ed and Sebastian about everything before, so my thoughts were sorted. I don't feel bad about anything I said, but I'm not sure I'm right." This is why I’d called Trevor. I needed the objective voice of reason. "Am I wrong?"

"Your experience isn't right or wrong."

I just glared at him.

Trevor leaned forward, "You're not wrong. What happened this weekend isn't ok. It's not ok to ask you to hide your happiness. It’s not ok for them to not ask you about your life. It's not ok when you say your feelings are hurt and you feel unimportant for your mother, or anyone else, to tell you how you are wrong."

I wiped my eyes. I felt relief with the validation "Thank you."

He reached over and put a hand on my arm. "You know this, Emma."

"I do." I nodded. "It was just a lot and I needed someone objective." I laughed, "Although Ed told me I've made choices and there are consequences."

Trevor laughed, "He's not wrong, but I think he agrees with most of your choices. He'll tell you if he doesn’t."

"Definitely."

Trevor leaned back and tented his fingers, "Why now? None of this is new. You've gone along with being careful with what you tell Amy. You already limit time with your family because of all these same things. Why say enough now?"

I didn't even have to think. "Sebastian." I started to smile. Trevor started to smile "I’ve meet this man I'm excited about. I want to tell my family, my parents and sister, about him. We set up a video call so they could meet him. Mom was rude. Then they wanted to know nothing more until I was packed and in the car. Tempering my excitement about work and friends is one thing. Sebastian is another thing completely."

"What would you have told them?"

"What would I tell them or what would I tell you?"

Trevor thought about his answer. "Me."

I preferred that answer. I don't know what I would have told them. The answer was very different now than when I was on the plane to Georgia. "Sebastian is a good man. He is good to me... good for me. I love how we talk. I love how he owns his shit. I love how he supports me." It took me a minute to figure out the next bit because I knew Trevor would ask. "I think we crashed into each other and just went for it. But not sharing secrets all at once then regretting having said too much. As we talk and are part of each other’s lives stuff is coming out naturally."

"As you trust more you reveal more. Both of you." Trevor summed that up nicely and I nodded in agreement. "What have you told him?"

"Enough. A lot. Not everything. He doesn't know how I met Ed. He doesn't know all the reasons we went to rehab. There's a chunk of time he doesn't know about." I smiled.

"You gonna tell him?"

I was surprised by how the question hit me. "I never told Jimmy."

Trevor made a face and tilted his head back and forth. "It was fresher. You were both awfully young. You're much more accepting of what you did than you were then." He squinted his eyes and studied me, "You're uncomfortable."

It was a statement, not a question. "I feel ashamed of myself." I chewed on my lip. "We've talked about how relationships are about being brave enough to be vulnerable with another person. We've done both and we've talked about it what that’s been like." I rubbed my finger over where I'd bit too hard. "I'm not brave enough to be that vulnerable."

"Oh, I think you are. You're scared, but you are brave enough. The night we met I was in awe of your bravery. That opinion hasn't changed. I'm not saying you should leave here and tell him everything. But since you feel ashamed you might want to think about talking to him before that shame gets in the way. What are you afraid of?"

"Sebastian will be upset. He has a big heart. He'll be anxious if I'm ok. He’ll think too much."

"Sure. When we learn someone we love has been through something traumatic it's normal to be upset and concerned about them. It’s a good thing.” He paused, looked at me, and spoke again, “What are you afraid of, Emma?"

I was angry at Trevor for not the first time. He makes me look at things I don't want to. I know it’s his job, I count on him to do it, but it pisses me off. "If he knows what I did... the things I had to learn to accept... the things I still struggle with... I like the way he looks at me like I’m good and precious. I'm afraid he'll see me differently." Took no time for the tears to fall.

Trevor said nothing for what felt like an hour, letting me sit in the emotion. When he spoke it was his quiet soothing voice. I used to get mad at his comforting tone too, like I didn’t deserve it, but I know better now. "Seeing you differently doesn't have to be negative. You've not told enough people to be confident it that. Who have you told?"

Trevor knew the answer. He wanted to remind me I knew it too. "Angie and Eli know most everything. Ed knows it all. And you."

"Did any of us react negatively?" I shook my head no. "They were upset. They empathized with you. But it didn't change how they loved you. It made them love you more. Your fear isn't in line with reality. There's no reason. . ." He stopped and took a breath. "Do you love him, Emma?"

"Yes."

"Have you told him?"

"No, I haven't seen him yet."

"Has he told you he loves you?"

"No."

"Does he?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Completely."

"So if everyone you’ve told loved you more there is no reason to think Sebastian would be any different.”

We sat quietly until my tears gave way to a loud cathartic laugh. "You are good."

"Thanks." He blew on his nails and shined them on his shirt.

"How did you do that? Seriously, how?"

Sometimes he'd tell me how he did his therapy magic. Luckily, today was one of those days. "There was something not fitting. Sebastian wasn’t fitting with the others for you. You didn't look at me when I said they'd loved you more. I went on a hunch. You'd not said you loved him. So, I walked you through that so he fit where you could see him as love plus story equals more love."

"Fascinating"

"I know you’re not ready to go public with your story, but I hope someday you will. You could make such a difference in so many lives. I know you channel that into teaching, but if you ever change your mind your story and successes will matter. Just keep it in mind."

"I will." We were winding down. "Do you want to see Sebastian?"

"Yes."

"He's not as cute as your Sara, but he'll do for me." I handed him my phone.

Trevor looked at my phone, then me, then the phone again. "Holy shit, Emma."

"You know him?"

"I am huge Marvel comic nerd. There's stuff in my office. You didn’t notice?"

"I’m not a Marvel nerd. Well, now, sort of."

He laughed, "I got to do family therapy with the lead singer of Pearl Jam. Now I'll get to do couples therapy with the Winter Soldier."

I stretched out my leg and kicked him in the shin, "We do not need couples therapy. We each have our own therapist."

We laughed for a nice long while before Trevor tied everything up. "I'm glad you called to get the validation you needed and to at least look at adding someone to the list of who can support you. I was with you when you told Ed. If you need me to be there if you decide to tell Sebastian I will be. You are correct in thinking the men you love most will struggle most."

I nodded, "I'll think about it. Thank you."

"Thank you for the most successful and challenging session I've had in weeks."

“Glad I could amuse you.”

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X16

Wow. This episode was a lot to process. It didn’t make me cry as much as I thought it would, but it was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. I was on the edge of my seat clenching to see what happened next the entire time! As I said before Alex Karev is one of my all time favourite characters! Saying goodbye to him is hard for me. As a result, I have mixed feelings about this episode.

On the one hand, I’m glad that they didn’t kill him off as it leaves the door open for Alex to come back and make a final appearance when the show wraps for good. It also means that they can reintroduce his character and have him interact with Meredith through calls and texts like they’ve done with Cristina which I love. On the other hand, because of Justin Chambers sudden departure they had Alex say goodbye off camera via a bunch of handwritten letters as told through voiceover and had him leave Jo and run off with Izzie Stevens and their two kids that he didn’t know he had.  

I’m happy that Alex got a happy ending of sorts. He finally got to be a Dad like he always wanted. He’s with someone who loves him and who loves their kids and is a good Mom. He tells Meredith in his letter how happy he is living on a farm in the middle of nowhere Kansas and how both him and Izzie are surgeons out there saving lives. I really thought they were going to kill him off as that seemed like the only ending that made sense given the set up we’d had up until now.

I liked that they made a point of him telling Jo that he loved her and always would and that if it was just a choice between two people that he loved he would have come home and been with Jo because he loves her and he meant it when he said he wanted to marry her. But in this case it’s not that simple because Izzie has his kids and after everything he went through as a child he just couldn’t abandon his kids like that now that he knows that they exist.

He already missed five years of their lives. He doesn’t want to miss anymore. For me that fit with who Alex is. Him saying goodbye off screen via letter didn’t, but that was a necessary by product of Justin Chambers having left earlier so there was nothing they could do about that. I liked that they referenced that this was out of character for Alex, especially in the letter he wrote to Richard and Richard’s response to it. They acknowledged that this wasn’t ideal but it was what they were doing based on the circumstances they had as writers and sometimes that’s all you can do.

I really liked the line about Meredith being her own damn person and a force of nature. And I loved the scene at the end where Zola came out and showed her Mom the device she had built and talked about how Uncle Alex had given her the idea for it and how she wanted to show him right away. Meredith pulled her close and explained that her Uncle Alex loves her very much, but that she’d just gotten a letter from him and what it said.

I like that they acknowledged just how much Alex means to Meredith and how important and instrumental he’s been in her kids’ lives especially since Derek died. I liked too that in his letter Alex asked Meredith to come visit him and meet his kids when she wasn’t so mad at him. That he wanted them to get to know each other because she’d love them and they’d love her and he wanted them to meet their Auntie Mer.

Also real talk, those kids therapy bills are going to be through the roof! It’s a good thing their Mom is a doctor my god! Their Godmother moved to Switzerland then a few years later their Dad left and then died and now their Uncle just moved to Kansas! These kids are going to have daddy issues out the wazoo when they grow up! Especially Zola as she’s old enough to remember all that.

While the character of Alex will no longer appear onscreen this isn’t goodbye forever. This is goodbye for now. I like that they left that open ended and made it clear that Alex was saying he couldn’t come back to Seattle because his kids are in Kansas, but that he wants his friends and family to come visit him when they’re done being mad. He’s not cutting them out of his life or cutting them off he’s just telling them he can’t come back and work and live there but he wants those relationships to endure.

This gives me hope because of how they wrote off and have handled Cristina’s exit. When she first left they talked about her for a while and then they stopped. And then some time passed and we started to get references again and then we started seeing her and Meredith talk on the phone and text and then Cristina sent her a whole damn man all the way from Switzerland! A very fine man I might add! This gives me hope that they will do a similar thing with Alex and that we’ll get references for a while and we still see Meredith and Alex call and text each other.

On that note, Alex and Cristina better be in the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy. They had better roll up from the airport with Izzie and their two kids along with Callie, Arizona, and Sofia. April and Matthew and Rosie and Harriet better be there too. If that does not happen then there was no point in keeping this character alive! My dream for the series finale would be an episode showcasing Meredith and Hayes’ wedding with everyone in attendance and the deceased characters standing in the background as ghosts.

It would be a great way to wrap the series as it brings everything full circle and would be a perfect set up to bring everyone back for the finale episode. Cristina and Alex would be Meredith’s Maid and Man of Honour of course and Maggie and Amelia could be bridesmaids. I think it would be cute to have Meredith and Hayes’ kids be the other half of the wedding party and stand up for them. This also gives a pretty good set up to bring characters like Addison and the Private Practice gang back by having them cover everyone’s shifts at the hospital while everyone else is at the wedding.

One thing I did think was odd is that Meredith and Jo haven’t had a scene yet talking about Alex. It’s implied that they’ve talked and we know that they’re friends, but we haven’t actually seen them interact since Alex went MIA. Their last interaction that I can recall was after Jo met Cormac for the first time. She walked up to Mer and told her that she saw a chemistry between the two of them and that she got what Cristina was talking about.

However, that episode most likely would have been filmed before Justin Chambers left the show and at that time they both thought Alex was just away visiting his Mom in Iowa. Even just a brief convo in the hallway saying “Hey! Have you heard from Alex?” “No, have you?” would have been nice. I’m hoping now that everything is out in the open we’ll get to see that. In his letter to Jo, Alex said that they signed divorce papers and left his shares in Grey Sloan that Cristina left him to her and the loft.

However, when Alex left originally his letter states that he was just going to talk to Izzie and hadn’t met the kids and didn’t know that they were his. It’s also possible he was planning on visiting his Mom and was just going to stop off and see Izzie or vice versa. Which means most of his stuff is still in Seattle. I’d love to see a scene where Jo and Meredith work together to pack up his stuff and have it shipped to him and then pack up the apartment and move her stuff.

I love her friendship with Link and I love how he’s supported her. I would like to see more of both going forward. I really hope that they don’t put Link and Jo together because that would be so dumb and I really like their friendship. Also I really liked Amelia and Link together and a part of me is still rooting for them.

I’m also interested to see how Alex’s departure affects Meredith’s relationship with Hayes as even though Alex is still alive and in communication with Meredith and he’s happy that’s not the same thing as getting to work with and see your best friend all the time. Meredith went through the same thing when Cristina left, but back then she had Derek and Alex. Now Derek is dead and Alex is gone. I hope we get to see Hayes support her and see them lean on each and grow closer together.

I hope that we get to see Meredith and Jo lean on each other for support and that Richard, Bailey, and Meredith can help each other and lean on each other too. Speaking of which it looks like Richard’s hand really is screwed which means it’s unlikely that he’ll be unable to operate again. Which means he just lost his marriage and a friend and is about to lose his career. Meredith’s best friend just moved away and now she’s about to find out that the man that’s been like a father to her who is already going through a tough time is losing his ability to operate.

Meredith and Richard really cannot catch a break! I hope we get to see Meredith and Maggie lean on each other and support Richard through what will surely be a difficult time and that Meredith will be there to comfort and support Bailey who I am sure will be devastated. On a cheerier note Bailey’s comment to Ben at the end cracked me up! “You change careers like sweaters!” LOL! He totally does.

Until next time!

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Snowblind (16x15)

I don't know what to even think at this point?

Cons:

I've gone on record saying that Tom Koracick is better than Owen Hunt in every conceivable way, but especially as regards Teddy Altman. But come on. This whole love triangle/quadrangle/pentangle or whatever is getting seriously out of hand. You've got Teddy and Owen, and then Owen and Amelia, Amelia and Link, Teddy and Tom... it's a freakin' mess, and I wish all of these people would get over their bullshit and just sort out their lives. I know that this kind of thing is par for the course on a show like this, but it just goes to show that there's a right way and a wrong way to write trope-filled stories. I've enjoyed plenty of love triangles and messy situations on this show in the past, but this is one that I cannot abide. Teddy is going to feel guilty as shit, Owen is going to find out Amelia's baby might be his, Link is going to cry about it some more... I'm already so exhausted.

Nico has been deflecting with Levi, not addressing the issue about him not being out to his parents. I've got to say, I really like Levi, but I'm feeling frustrated about Nico. They haven't given him as much time to develop, so when he basically gives Levi an ultimatum, telling Levi to stop trying to change him by forcing him to talk about his feelings... it's really hard to see both sides here. I honestly think that's a writing issue. I like Nico. I want to keep liking him, and I want to learn more about him whether or not he and Levi stay together. I just wish their story was being handled with a bit more care, especially after so many great Levi-centric story-lines in recent weeks.

Are they going to kill off Alex? This isn't a complaint about the episode, just a - what the fuck? My guess is maybe he found out he was terminally ill or something, and wanted to leave so Jo and Meredith wouldn't have to watch him die. I know the actor bailed out, and maybe there was drama there, who knows? But from a story-telling standpoint, Alex's exit has so far been very bizarre, and troubling to say the least. This guy has sixteen seasons' worth of development under his belt. It's completely bonkers that he would run off and abandon his wife. It doesn't track with reality at all.

Pros:

Teddy going over to Tom's and kissing him is really annoying, but I loved their silly snowball fight earlier on. Tom's speech about how he's been trying to get in the club for two years really broke my heart. I think a lot of people have maybe felt that way in their lifetime, at some point. I know I feel it where I work, and I used to feel it doing theatre as a kid - like I was never quite in the center of things. Tom is a good man, and Teddy liking him is so sweet. It's just... clearly I'm supposed to think that Teddy kissing Tom is a bad thing, the kind of thing that is going to backfire on her. And here I am, wishing she'd just kick Owen to the curb!

As frustrating as the Alex situation is, I do like Jo and Link's friendship getting more screen-time. Great acting from them both in that final scene, where Jo talks about how she's pretty sure Alex left her, and Link rushes over to offer comfort. They have such good energy as friends who support each other no matter what. I'm glad to finally see that come through.

Bailey essentially adopts Joey, the foster kid who recently turned eighteen. I am actually all about this. Of course it's partially something she's doing in reaction to her recent miscarriage, but also it's built out of several episodes of buildup and trust. And it's like Bailey says - she has extra room, extra food, extra money, extra love to give. (She probably should have discussed it with Ben first, but I suppose that they do have a tradition in their marriage of making big life decisions without talking it over!)

Richard's story-line offered a couple of big surprises. He bonds with a resident and offers to let her do a surgery, only for Levi to stop them just in time - turns out, the woman is not a resident, but his missing patient who he has been tracking all through the hospital. This woman, Tess, has been sick throughout her whole life, and her repeated diagnoses meant that she couldn't finish med school. She just wanted a chance at following her dream. Richard ends up telling her that she still has that chance - she has more obstacles than most people, but she can still make it. And then Richard confesses that his hands have been shaking, and that his days of surgery are over.

This is a lot to process. I really liked Tess' story, and hope she does find a way to make it as a doctor. It's absolutely insane that she was about to cut someone open, but it worked within the confines of the story. And then there's Richard. He has been through hell recently, what with his marriage falling apart, getting fired, etc... and now this. He has a great speech about how his career defined his life more so than any of his relationships, and how he's not sure who he is without it. But he also knows that he got to do what he loved for a long time, and that he's still got a lot of life left to live. Richard is such a natural teacher and nurturer; it seems clear that he still has a future working in the medical field in that capacity, even if his time in the operating room has come to an end.

Then there's the DeLuca situation. He is rightfully and naturally quite upset with Meredith for saying he might be sick like his father, and even points out that he doesn't throw alzheimer's in her face every time she forgets something. And yet, as much as I want to be on Andrew's side here, there's the fact that he went out in a blizzard and walked several miles to fetch a liver for a patient, since the roads outside are all blocked off. He walks three miles both ways without gloves, saving a little girl's life but also doing damage to his hands. Jackson is adamant that Andrew needs to follow instructions or he could lose his hands, so this is clearly serious business. I'm worried for him, and I can totally understand why Meredith and Carina would be concerned.

Cormac and Meredith continue to bond over their dead spouses - I could definitely see this going in a romance direction, and it seems like that's where it's headed, but at the same time, they are also just good for each other because of their shared life experience. Cormac confesses to being lonely - he hasn't been with anyone since his wife's death. Meredith talks about the complexities of that first kiss, first "I love you" after her husband's death. I don't know if Meredith and Andrew are done for good, but Meredith's behavior here felt kind of... wistful, like maybe she can be grateful for what they had and know that it's not meant to last. I don't know if that's where we're headed, but I'm totally pulled in to the story. (Thus proving that a well-developed love triangle is possible!)

Also - the mentions of Cristina were delightful as always. She feels a lot closer to the core of the story this season than she has in a good while. And we even got a Twisted Sister reference!

There are probably details I've missed here - like Maggie confirming Teddy's suspicions, showing once again that she can never be trusted. Or Jackson making up from a fight with Vic that probably happened over on Station 19. I liked this episode, for the most part - I liked that for once, the big "disaster" of a snow storm didn't actually cause most of the drama of the episode. It was more contained, more character driven.

And next week, we get to find out whatever sort of ending they've cobbled together for Alex. I am... dreading it, y'all.

7.5/10

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x07 - Como La Flor

Apologies for being so late this week!! Lots of translating to do, and research. Mucho gracias to @queenrikki for reviewing this one for me!

EPISODE SUMMARY:

OLD WOUNDS — Liz (Jeanine Mason) is forced to revisit a painful part of her past when her mother Helena (guest star Bertila Damas) shows up at the diner unexpectedly. Michael (Michael Vlamis) urges Maria (Heather Hemmens) to seek help after she experiences a strange vision, and Kyle’s (Michael Trevino) attempt to get Steph (guest star Justina Adorno) to open up doesn’t go as planned. Finally, Helena’s arrival in Roswell sends Rosa spiraling. Nathan Dean and Lily Cowles also star. Barbara Brown directed the episode written by Danny Tolli & Carolina Rivera (#207). Original airdate 4/27/2020. 

DETAILS:

Max and Isobel both describing to Rosa how it feels to use (and control) your powers.

Isobel:

"Ground your intention.  Feel the current running through your body, your hands guiding it with purpose."

Max:

"Okay, draw energy from your spine…"

Arturo on Rosa:

"I heard a little mouse crying in her room this morning."

Escamoles - like Liz says in the episode, they're ant larvae. One article I found called them "the Caviar of the Mexican desert". 

Helena calls Liz "mi corazón", which means "my heart".

"Arturito, te ves bien."

Arturo, you look good.

Adding "ito" to someone's name in Spanish can both be positive or negative.  It can refer to smallness or also tenderness (like an affectionate pet name).

@tasyfa pointed out that there was a little timeline error in this scene.  Arturo says that he hasn't seen Helena in 7 years, since Jim Valenti's funeral, but last season it was established in 1x12 that Valenti died in 2014.  Also, remember the show is a year behind reality right now, so it's still 2019. So off by 2 years.

The reason for Helena's visit - transferring her ownership of the Crashdown for Liz so that Liz can sponsor Arturo's residency for citizenship. I did a lot of research trying to understand and clarify why this is.  Thanks to those who weighed in when I was struggling to find a clear answer. Eventually I reached out to Define American, the non-profit org that provides support to the show on racial and immigration related issues.  Here's the response:

The short version is that Liz has to meet minimum income requirements in order to sponsor Arturo, because she has to be able to certify that she can financially support him.  Since she's currently unemployed except for the Crashdown, transferring half of the ownership to her makes her a business partner and helps her to meet the income requirements. 

The Spanish:

"¿Cuánto quieres, Mamá?" 

How much do you want, Mama?

"She has a very thoughtful manicure."

If you don't understand, it's cool. I'm not going to explain here.  Feel free to DM me though! I won't judge, promise!!

Narrative thread about Max's nightmare/memory continues from 2x03 and 2x06.  Don't forget that 2x03 was just Isobel remembering it. Max was a hallucination. So when he brings it up here, it might be something they haven't discussed in a very long time.

The Spanish from Rosa on her red jacket:

"Eres una mujercita."

Basically translates to you're a little woman or young woman.  I assume the "cita" is supposed to be diminutive here.

"Mom is an opportunist.  If she found out she had a kid who came back from the dead she would use you to get to Anderson Cooper. And then she'd use him to promote her latest lounge singer gig."

"Isobel pays double.  Becky tax." 

A Becky, according to common colloquial use, is an annoying white woman, usually entitled and privileged.

Lead bartender quit..meaning there's a job opening at the Pony…hmm. Wonder if any of our characters need a job... 🤔

Maria's vision:

Michael drops the change

Flash to Kyle dropping his keys & bending down to pick them up.

Kyle staring into a bright light.

Maria shouting his name.

"My heart was broken.  Liz ended things and a part of me died."

Max's story to Valenti… not all THAT far off from the truth.

Note: has anyone told him about Valenti investigating him? We know Liz and Isobel were questioned.  Michael was present when Liz was questioned. Kyle knows the whole theory his mom was pursuing. And he just wanders in there like nothing happened?

"Try leading several short staffed investigations with the mayor breathing down your neck."

Another subtle reference to the mayor, including the election banners hung around town in S2 and his "anti-immigrant agenda" which was referenced in S1.

Max has been with the department since he was 18 - this is the first time we learned that.  In 2x05 we learned he was there at 21. So that timeline has now been further clarified. Which also means he was hired during Jim Valenti's time as Sheriff.

"I need eyes on you at all times now."

Definitely implies a lack of trust, or possibly still wanting to keep an eye on him for the purpose of her investigation (not a fact, just a theory).

Steph tells Kyle that she's always hanging around the hospital because she's doing admin work for her dad.

"I'm starting to feel like you're a ghost who only I can see."

"Ask them if they can see me. Or if you were just talking to a ghost." 

Note that ghosts have been a running theme this season with Rosa returning from the dead. This seems to be in line with that. Or are they subtly tying Steph to Rosa (I'm grasping at straws here, probably).

Liz leaves the safe on 3...but before she changes it is on 81. Helena leaves it on 78 after stealing the ring. Good continuity, RNM!

The whole "my mom hates cops" theme is a little confusing to me.  I mean, it makes sense given what we know about Helena. Except that she had an affair with Jim Valenti, who was… a cop. And also an addict.  Maybe it was different because they rehabbed together (just an assumption, not a fact). Or maybe the Jim experience contributed to her dislike of cops.

Liz...might be grasping at straws when she refers to police work as "something you love" to Max.  He didn't exactly seem enamoured by the job when we first met him in Season 1.

First time we learn Max and Isobel's father's name. And it is… Dave. 🤔

The Spanish Helena uses when she meets Max:

"Pero que guapo estas."

But how handsome you are.

"Cuidado Arturito."

Careful, Arturo…

Helena found Liz and Diego's wedding registry online. 

“Look there are medical reasons for non-drug-induced hallucinations - epilepsy, schizophrenia…”

“My mom has a degenerative brain disease. My grandma did too. I've always known I'd be next.”

Helena wanted to be Selena.

Which fits with Liz's lounge singer comment earlier.

And the "drunkenly singing in the car with your daughters in the backseat" fits with the story Liz and Rosa discussed in 2x02 about the car accident they got into as kids with Helena driving drunk.

Helena shows Liz her ten years sober chip, suggesting that she's been sober since Rosa died, but Rosa finds pills in Helena's car later in the episode.  Oxycodone. The same drug that Rosa used to steal from her mom as a kid (which we learned about in 2x04) and the same drug that she and Kyle discussed when he was checking her health in 2x01.

During Helena's toast to Rosa:

Preciosa = precious

Rosa Linda… still not sure personally if this is a continuity error or a pet name.  I’m inclined to go with a pet name. Throughout the whole episode Helena uses lots of pet names, nicknames, diminutives to address people. Rosa Linda may be just another version of this since Rosa's middle name was pretty well established as Helena in Season 1 between her grave, memorial pamphlet, etc.

Kyle calls attention to Steph's bandage on her arm.  She says she gave blood, but it feels like she's evading.

Also she calls him McDreamy, which is a Grey's Anatomy reference. Kyle called himself McSexy (another Grey's nickname) in 1x08 as well.

Note: I've seen some people talk about the speech about his sick friend as being about Maria, but I think he's really talking about Steph.  Or both, vaguely. He's certainly trying to get Steph to open up to him. Here's what he says:

"I just found out a friend of mine is sick. And I can't do anything to help her. And I hate feeling helpless."

Only after Steph puts her walls back up, does he gesture to Mimi's files.

The Spanish:

"Oh, ándale, gùero."

Ándale is like, go! Or let's go! Gùero we discussed earlier...basically white boy.

Por favor - please 

Rosa's art that we first saw in 2x05 now looks finished:

Isobel's graffiti "In Pod We Trust"

Both Isobel and Rosa's graffiti:

Isobel's assessment of Rosa's art

"That's a black hole. An unstoppable force of destruction. And it's getting closer. I see a girl looking into her own doom. She thinks it's inevitable, that she can't stop it, but she can. See, she created it. That means she can destroy it."

Rosa on Isobel's efforts to help her:

"You and Max, you keep talking about harnessing emotion and grounding myself, right? But I can't do that.  It is in my DNA to be screwed up. Literally. My mom's mentally ill. So, so am I. I was broken long before Noah did what he did. That's why he chose me to prey on.  That's probably why he chose you too."

Maria on her grandmother:

"When I was a child my Grandma Patty was the only adult who understood my make-believe world. Thing is, I was six.  So my favorite things about her were just illness, I guess…"

Maria on her mom:

"She was always kind of out there.  By the time I realized it was more than that, I just became obsessed with money. Wanted to be able to take care of her. I invested everything Grandma Patty left me, and I worked, scrounged.  It was about three days after my mom was finally fired from her job at the Pony, I bought the place."

Maria's blood does not contain the alien protein that Kyle found in the Pod Squad and Rosa after being in the Pod for a decade. (and yes, he actually said Pod Squad, which feels like an OG fandom victory)

"Look, there is one thing I noticed in your grandmother's file. Her insurance company is the same one that paid for my dad's cancer treatments...My dad got cancer because of an alien incident at Caulfield Prison. A fake insurance company established by Project Shepherd covered his bills."

"Okay so my grandmother got sick at the same alien prison where your mother died?"

More Spanish (there's lots of it this week).

Helena, when she gestures to the present:

"Abre tu regalo."

Open your gift.

Quinces is just slang for Quinceanera.

Just in case you're not familiar with quinceaneras (Liz's was also referenced in 1x02).

"Mija, me enseñas tus prom photos?"

Daughter, show me your prom photos.

Regarding the power outage.  Liz thought it was Max. Max thought it was Rosa. But the wire is frayed, like it was cut or chewed through. So it wasn't alien power related.  When Arturo finds the wire though, he says, "Must have been a little mouse." Which is how he referred to Rosa earlier in the episode. So the question is, does he actually think it was a mouse? Or does he think Rosa cut the wire? And if Rosa did cut the wire, then why? To distract them while she goes after her mom's car?

In the big Liz/Helena argument, Helena calls Max “a güerito cop”.  Güero means white person, similar to the more commonly used gringo.  But by adding the “ito” onto the end (like discussed before), Helena is basically diminuitizing Max.  She’s using the “smallness” above to basically imply that he’s some white nobody.

“I may not be the PTA mom who made cookies for bake sales or hosted sleepovers, but I sacrificed everything to come to this country to give you a better life.”

This is...not actually true.  Liz and Rosa are both natural born U.S. citizens, born in Roswell.  So she didn’t “come to this country” for that reason. She was already here when Liz and Rosa came into the picture.  And it’s not like she came pregnant with Rosa or anything, since Rosa is Jim Valenti’s daughter.

The ring that Helena took was ARTURO'S mother's ring.  It wasn't even Helena's family's heirloom.   

Liz and Arturo sharing flan for dessert.  At the start of the episode before Helena arrived they discussed making flan for Rosa.

Arturo admits that he always knew the truth about Rosa's heritage. (*fistpump* that's one of my headcanons coming true). 

"Rosa es mi hija, siempre y para toda la vida."

Rosa is my daughter, always and for life.

"Maybe you're right. I am playing the hero. Just like you're playing the politician's perfect arm candy.  See, I did a little digging. And your boyfriend, Dirk-- he ran for city council. It's very impressive. But there's no mention of your daughters. I'm guessing Dirk doesn't even know about Liz or Rosa.  Does he know anything about you, Helena? 'Cause it would be such a shame if he found out about a little town called Roswell."

Helena gives Max the ring, but keeps the box… maybe that's what Helena really wanted?

Huevos = eggs.  Basically, slang for balls.

"I know that face.  You uncovered a massive conspiracy."

"I checked the Caulfield drives. No sign of a Patricia DeLuca, but there was a Patricia Harris. Her maiden name. She signed up to participate in an experimental trial. Government was interested in weaponizing alien abilities. They wanted to create super soldiers. Your grandma was one of the first human subjects."

"Kind of wish I was an alien instead."

"What happened to the experiment?"

"It was a total failure. Caulfield shut it down in the '70s after people started dying. I don't understand how your grandmother got involved."

"I do. Henrietta Lacks, Tuskegee, Holmesburg.  The DeLucas aren't the first black people to be secretly experimented on."

Highly encourage you to read these if you're unfamiliar with any of these references.  It's African-American history (and really a black mark on U.S. history) that's rarely taught in schools.

Henrietta Lacks:

Tuskegee:

Holmesburg:

Reality versus Maria's flashes… great gifset by @rosaortecho on this here:

Kyle rips his jacket, staggers out to the parking lot, drops his keys, and is almost hit by a car, but Michael throws him out of the way with his powers (and Kyle still ends up injured because he lands on a glass bottle).

"Now that we know your illness is related to Caulfield we can find a cure for it."

"Maybe it's not an illness. I saw the future today, Guerin. When I first found out Grandma Patty was experimented on, I was furious.  But what if my genetic inheritance isn't just injustice? It's also actual superpowers. Saved a life today. And not just any life-- Kyle Valenti's. Tomorrow he's gonna turn around and save five more lives."

Liz and Rosa's dueling big sister act is super fascinating.  Rosa admits that she wasn't going to burn the car, and then she saw Liz crying, felt helpless, and that's when her powers went all wacky and caused it to explode.

Meanwhile, Liz has spent the whole episode trying to keep Rosa safe from Helena, and is trying to comfort her here by talking about Helena's sobriety.

But--Rosa stole Helena's pills, so she knows Helena is not sober, and she doesn't tell Liz that.  Why? To protect her.

At some point these two should probably stop keeping secrets to protect each other and start actually sharing what they know.

Kyle stitches himself up.

Steph quoted in this scene:

"I was up in the gallery contemplating American downfall thanks to progressive socialism."

"People tend to bail when things get real. I'm not into that."

Cameron's car was impounded a couple hours away.

Max is turning in his badge and gun and is turning down desk duty to search for Cam.

Isobel and Michael's discussion at the Pony:

"Do you think that Noah chose me because I was already broken?"

"I think you are the only one of us who ever keeps it together."

"I'm serious, Michael. The night that drifter attacked me, why am I the only one who started blacking out? I mean, Max literally murdered a man, but I'm the one who breaks?"

"You were traumatized. We were kids. At that age, trauma gets etched on to your soul."

"But what if it's not in my soul? What if it's in my DNA? Look, my whole life, I've played Stepford wife, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. But...I need to understand myself now. I need to know where I'm from.  And if I don't know who my biological parents are, how am I ever gonna know who I really am?" 

"What are you saying, Iz?"

"I know that we said we shouldn't look into the past, but…"

"It keeps pulling you back. Me too. I spent my whole life thinking I'd build a ship and blast off into the ether. And then the minute I decide to leave that all behind and focus on this good thing in front of me, I'm sucked back in. Maria's family was experimented on at Caulfield. I need to find out more so I can find a cure for her illness."

Rosa takes one of her mom's pills. 😭

MUSIC:

1. Cactus Groove "This World"

2. Shelly Fairchild "Drive"

3. Mathis Hunter "Mrs. Vinegar"

4. Big Stone City "Good For Zero"

5. Big Stone City "Way Down Below"

6. Selena "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom"

7. Elizabeth Moen "Best I Can Do"

8. Wagons "Keep Coming Back"

9. AG "Where Is My Mind" (Pixies Cover)

[anotheruserwithnoname]

Some thoughts on Killing Eve

(This post contains no plot spoilers and only a reference to some dialogue).

Yes, I am late to the party. Very late to the party. But I finally am getting around to watching Killing Eve on DVD; I’m midway through Series 2 as I write this and will have to wait till the fall to see Series 3 (which is due out on DVD in September). 

I came into the series with no preconceived notions. I’d never heard of Jodie Comer before this series came out, and while I knew Sandra Oh from Grey’s Anatomy and some of her other work, I wasn’t really a fan (though I appreciated the fact Oh is from Canada). The only person in the cast I knew was Fiona Shaw and that’s because she was in the Harry Potter movies. I also remember joking about whether Oh would have to put on a fake British accent, considering many British actors who do TV in North America end up having to put on American accents.

So 1 1/2 seasons in, my impression is this show definitely deserves all the praise it gets. Having managed to avoid most spoilers (and please no spoilers from the end of S2 or S3 in replies!) one thing that caught me off-guard is how funny this show is. There are lines and scenes that made me howl. Comer is electric as Villanelle, and Sandra as Eve definitely breaks the stereotypes of how spies are depicted on TV. This show is actually fun to watch, and sad to say I can’t really say that of a lot of acclaimed shows on the air right now. Ditto for the fact its unpredictable, especially as I’ve managed to avoid most spoilers. (I knew nothing about how Series 1 ended, for example.)

But the biggest thing for me is this show makes you give a damn about the characters. Too many shows try to break new ground but fail as entertainment because the characters fail to be interesting and relatable. All the characters are fully formed; this is not easy with a show that is basically “The Jodie Comer/Sandra Oh Cat and Mouse Hour.” Killing Eve is possibly the best example I have ever seen of a “villain protagonist” series, where you root for the bad guy as much as for the good guy (while of course questioning who the actual villains are). You care about Eve, but you also care equally about Villanelle. The idea of arch enemies becoming so close that a relationship sparks isn’t new, but I’d say Killing Eve has mastered the art.

In one S2 episode (no real spoiler), Villanelle outright questions whether she should be considered the “bad guy”. And fair point. She might be a ruthless, merciless assassin ... but the same can be said for The Punisher, for Jack Bauer, for James Bond. The movies tend to gloss over the fact that Bond’s primary job is assassin; the first scene of Daniel Craig’s Casino Royale has him offing a corrupt agent and just as he pulls the trigger there’s brief image of a photo of the target with his children or grandchildren. The scene could have been from Killing Eve. Check out how 007 deals with the villain of Quantum of Solace; that would have been a bit on the cruel side, even for Villanelle, but wouldn’t have been totally out of place in an episode. Yet we don’t question 007 as a hero, right? 

Of course, as Game of Thrones proved disastrously, a strong first couple of seasons does not mean the show will be able to maintain its quality for the entire run, and when KE eventually reaches its end, we’ll have to see if they can stick the landing. So far, though, it’s a show I’m quite happy to put in the same category as other spy classics like Danger Man and The Avengers and even The Prisoner.

[megbox]

2019 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

It’s actually kind of interesting how... less interesting these year-in-reviews get as I get older. Depending on how you look at it, 2019 was somewhat of an unremarkable year. I spent much of it tragically broke, I didn’t get the opportunity to do much traveling. But at the same time, not having these flashy, colourful experiences to write about all the time makes me value the easy, simple things more. It forces me to be a bit more reflective about how the day-to-day life I am carving out for myself teaches me things and about the person I am becoming. 

Far and away, the most positive thing to come out of 2019 has been that I am real deals social worker now. I have the best job in the entire world. I have “RSW” in my email signature and on my business cards. I do work that is meaningful to me every single day. There is so much to learn but I’m in the right place to be learning it. And I am really proud of myself for getting here ❤️

January 

Unlike the last few years, 2019 began on a high note. The millisecond that student loan hit my direct deposit, I took a little trip to Jasper to visit my friend Oliver who was teaching snowboarding at Marmot Basin for the season. I braved some very treacherous roads to make it to Jasper. It took me nearly eight hours. Highway 93 was closed so I had to take the long route and basically white-knuckled it the whole way. But it was so worth it. I found myself later that evening in a dorm room full of young Scandinavian people, downing American Vintage iced teas and feeling like I was at a frat party. We went to this club called Four Peaks and they played Rasputin by Boney M and everyone went crazy. I hooked up with this gorgeous Danish ski instructor named Rasmus. He was so beautiful. I am proud of that one, honestly. Oliver and I went skiing and hiking and we went to Earl’s and he tried a Caeser. By the end of the weekend, I think we maybe ran out of things to talk about. But it was really cool to see him and to hear about the last few years of his life and how excited he was to move to New Zealand to be with his girlfriend (whom he met on the same trip where he and I met, in Hawaii!)

On January 14, I started my second practicum. It was a sad transition. My time at CommunityWise had been so great that anything new was going to pale in comparison but my new placement was especially bad. It was so slow there. My computer hadn’t been updated in years and I didn’t have access to anything for weeks. My supervisor was barely around (not her fault, though. She was finishing her MSW, had two young children, was the team lead for both family centres in the city and had two practicum students to supervise. Girl was busy). I remember one morning while I was helping one of the caseworkers with some menial task like organizing the food pantry, and I was just so frustrated, I kind of asked her point-blank, “Is this practicum meant to be more self-directed?” and I just started crying as I asked it. I kind of… whimpered it. It was awkward but from that point on, they made way more of an effort to give me tasks and engage me in the work that was being done there. Lesson learned: you get what you ask for.

February  The first weekend of February is what we would call a “power weekend.” Looking back on these actions now, I cringe. However, at the time, I was pretty stoked. I slept with a friend from podcast club after a house party. For ease, I will refer to him as W. W had asked me out twice prior to this happening. I actually said yes, and we had plans to get drinks, but his best friend ended up going through a breakup the night before and he cancelled last minute. So then we slept together. Drunkenly. And it wasn’t… good. I chalked it up to the drunkenness. We went out on a real date, I made sure to have like one glass of wine maximum. He was lovely and great company and he taught me how to play crib but… you know that feeling when you’re like god, I wish I was enjoying this but I am just not enjoying this. It was like that all night. And it felt heavy. If I am being completely honest, there was also this strange moment that night where I had the thought, “he kind of looks like my grandfather if he were younger” and there is truly no recovering from that kind of realization.

February was also a terrible month because I had no days off. I will go to my grave angry about being required to work for free in my practicums. I was doing 32+ unpaid hours at this boring practicum and then working evenings and weekends at Famoso whenever I could. And Famoso was dead, so I wasn’t even making good money. This was also where I began to start witnessing things in my practicum that started to fuck with me. At first, I thought I was just having trouble sleeping. But over time in seminar and debriefs with my social work friends who were going through the same thing I realized that it was the oh-so-pleasant combination of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue. 

Over the reading week, I went to Fernie with Maddy and her friends for a ski/party weekend and that was truly awesome. One of those weekends where your ribs ache for days once you’re back because you laughed so hard. Some highlights: 

It snowed 60cm the night before we skied. It was powder up to your waist. 

• Maddy’s friend Melissa liked our bartender at the hostel. She took his phone and texted herself from it so he would have her number and vice versa. Then she got so drunk that later the same evening, she was looking at the text and forgot that she had sent it to herself so she texted back, “Who is this?” Also LOL #Bryna. 

• I took nudes of Maddy in the hostel shower to send to the guy she was seeing at the time. LOL. What are friends for? 

• Maddy and I met this set of twins who are the definition of gym bros. Identical twins. We ended up hooking up with them. At the same time. In our bunk bed at the hostel. We high fived. I later fell off the top bunk. We gave them a beer for the road when they left. All year long, we send one another their Instagram posts and stories whenever it’s them flexing in the gym mirror and just laugh about, “we really slept with those guys.” 

March 

In March, I got the flu. It was very annoying. I had to miss practicum (meaning I’d have to make up the hours somehow later). I stated binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

I ended things with W. It was kind of harsh but it needed to be done. I need to stop breaking up with people in the weeks prior to my birthday because we had a total Dave-Simard-2.0 situation where W told me he had purchased a birthday present for me and he still wanted to give it to me.

I also ran the St. Patrick’s Day Road Race again!!! Good times as always. 

Practicum got much better in March. I had many things to do. I got to design the curriculum for and facilitate a six-week girl’s group. I assisted with the planning and running of a series of community tax clinics which was cool. Except the guy from the agency whose project it was is a creep. He kept telling me all of these stories that were incredibly inappropriate given the fact that we knew each other only in a professional sense. He made many comments about women’s bodies and appearances that were gross. And I got left in some pretty unsafe situations all by myself. AND he made me pay out of pocket for snacks for one of the tax clinics and never reimbursed me for that. I kind of forgot about that until just now. Wow. 

April 

April was a big month! 

I went to Portland for my birthday weekend with Matt and Connor. When I think back to this trip, it was lovely, but mostly what I remember is a lot of beer, a lot of rain, and being hungover. Portland is a really cool city. I wasn’t totally expecting to be confronted with as much homelessness and substance use as I was but, that’s my privilege talking. Some highlights from the trip include: 

• The “Flower in the Kettle” IPA I had. 

• The mascarpone, corn and lobster agnolotti I had for my birthday dinner at A Cena. Recommended to me by a trusted friend I worked with at Famoso. So rich. SO FUCKING GOOD. 

• Meeting this really drunk real estate agent at a dive bar and convincing her that Matt and Connor were both my boyfriends. I still have her business card in my wallet. I am unsure why. 

• The Weezer concert was honestly awesome. 

• Matt actually trying out the guyliner. 

• Meeting some random guy when I went to get gum at a corner store. His name was Dan. He was old. His girlfriend had kicked him out and he was just walking around. He’d been in prison for a lot of his life. We had a good chat. I got his phone number and now we have each other on Facebook. 

• In the airport on the way home, Matt and I were so overtired that absolutely everything was hilarious. The gif game (the gif of Kevin from The Office dropping the bucket of chili. “Me in Thailand”), and the beginning of when I got let in to the “KEVIN!!!!” joke. I had tears in my eyes. 

• Connor yelled at me in a pizza restauraunt LOL (sorry Connor. I know you Ctrl+F your name. But this was memorable to me.) 

In the middle of April, I FINISHED MY PRACTICUM HOURS AND EFFECTIVELY GOT MY DEGREE. I cannot describe to you how good it felt to be driving home from one of those tax clinics after my third twelve-hour day (making up practicum hours is fun) knowing I never had to go back. Knowing that soon enough, I’d get to work on all the same cool projects but actually get paid for my time.

We visited Saskatoon for Easter, which would turn out to be the last time I got to see my Baba. She was very ill, and both of us knew that it would likely be the last time, so I did get to say my goodbyes. It was very difficult and I sobbed for a lot of the ride home. It’s a weird feeling, when someone you love has been so ill for so long, and you begin to see their condition really deteriorate. When the idea of life without that person starts to become a reality. There was almost an… acceptance? It sounds so callous to say and it’s way more complex than this but also somewhat of a relief in the finality of it. I don’t know. It was a lot. 

April was also when I started interviewing for social work jobs. I had two interviews. The first one was at CCASA, essentially for what I thought was my dream job. I have never psyched myself out so hard for anything in my life. I thought about that interview and that interview alone for weeks. I studied harder than I have for any test ever. When the time came for the interview, I was so nervous. I became this meek and mild version of myself. It was honestly devastating. But of course, had I gotten that job, I would never have interviewed at the University of Calgary. My boss-to-be called me for a pre-interview while I was on shift at Famoso. It was busy, too. But I just said fuck it and ducked into the back and talked to her on the phone for twenty minutes. She invited me for an interview a week later where I had to give a five-minute presentation on managing stress as a student. Rock on. 

May 

On May 1, I got offered THE JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALGARY! It was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. There is nothing more satisfying and exciting than actually attaining something you’ve been dreaming of for so long. It was for a one year contract on a maternity leave coverage, facilitating community trainings around suicide prevention, helping skills, all that good stuff. I was going to be on salary. I was going to have benefits. I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK TO WORK AND HAVE A REAL CAREER THAT I WOULD BE PROUD OF AND EXCITED ABOUT.

I hung up the phone after accepting the job, texted all the requisite people about the good news, and then immediately drove to Famoso to quit. My boss at Famoso was angry with me because I did not give two weeks notice. I said I would work out the rest of my scheduled shifts. He was a jerk, he yelled at me in frustration saying, “You work here for five fucking years, we accommodate every trip, every vacation, every practicum and you don’t even have the courtesy to give me two weeks notice?!” It wasn’t a big deal though. He was just being an asshole. And hey, Steve, you’re still an asshole!

So my last day serving tables at Famoso Westhills was May 3, 2019. I’m usually not good with goodbyes but it was the easiest thing in the world to just walk out of there at the end of the night knowing I would never be back. I had ten days until I started my actual job at the University (a bit of an oversight on my part because I had ~no money~ so what the fuck was I going to do with ten days).

My grandmother passed away on May 19, 2019. Back to Saskatoon on May 28 for the funeral. It was really fucking sad and really fucking weird to see all of my cousins crying. My grandma also had a big Catholic funeral and none of us are particularly religious and as the direct relatives of the deceased we were at the front of the church and it was really obvious none of us had any idea when to kneel vs. stand and didn’t know any of the words or tunes to the songs.

On a happier note, my brother was accepted into medical school in May. Not that I ever doubted my brother would be a successful person, but this just really solidified it. Dr. MacKay.

June 

June was rather uneventful. I was honestly so cripplingly broke at this point, and it was so long before I actually saw a full salaried paycheck. I had to borrow money from my parents just to like, function. And pay my bills. It was embarrassing. But I was working full time and learning so many cool things about the job that it made it alright.

I walked the stage on the first week of June and accepted my BSW degree. I didn’t want to go but it was actually a pretty awesome and happy occasion.

The other big thing that happened in June is that Maddy moved to Australia. It sucks that I only met Maddy in the summer of 2018. She is so awesome and we became so close so quickly. I genuinely love her so much and spending time with her is so easy and fun, it was really sad when she left knowing that it was highly possible she may never return or at least not for several YEARS.

July 

By July, my new job was in full swing. I was facilitating trainings every other day (so much public speaking experience!), I was sitting on a committee, every day was new and challenging and exciting. 

My dad had a giant party for his 60th birthday, with some friends even coming from Saskatoon. They rented a limousine that took us to the Black Diamond hotel because apparently my parents have some kind of significance there. I did a shot with my grandfather? We played pool and Big Buck hunter? None of my friends came but all of my brother’s friends came and I honestly think that it turned the tables in terms of who my parents’ favourites are in terms of friends. 

I also had an awesome weekend at Folk Festival mostly with Kendal and Lachlan but also featuring guest appearances from Chad and Gillian. Podcast club pals. There is just nothing better than folk festival, honestly. Food trucks and music in the sun and drinking sangria from a flask and admiring everyone’s cool outfits and getting a tan and listening to concerts all day. I had a nap in the middle of the afternoon on Sunday and it was like the most glorious 45 minutes of my entire year. 

August 

Oh, no. August. I was still cripplingly broke (it takes a long time to catch up to a point where your entire paycheck is not just going to paying back things you’ve borrowed) and I made the utterly stupid decision to go to a music festival. 

Big Valley Jamboree, baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best weekend that I am never ever doing again. Some highlights: 

• Mere minutes after arriving, I watched a man vomit. 

• The “Tony Keith” joke really took off. Lucas and I were so #inone on the Friday night we kept yelling and trying to start chants (“old man graphics!” is my personal favourite in response to Toby Keith’s random, pro-military Americana concert graphics).

• I gave my phone to somebody and then wandered off in search of this stupid boy’s campsite. I got very, very lost. The BVJ campground is a large place. I had no idea where I was going and was literally just stumbling through the dark and the mud. I ended up in the middle of some middle-aged Newfoundlanders’ campsite. They welcomed me. They offered me and sandwich and several beers. We chatted for like an hour. It was the best. I walked for SO LONG and finally found my own campsite. But we’re talking literally hours of walking around blind and disoriented. There were a few moments when I genuinely thought I was going to have to wait until the sun came up. 

• A few less-than-classy moments in porta potties. 

• The HANGOVERS. Jesus lord. I couldn’t survive. 

• Airwaves guy was great and I also had a really good buffalo chicken poutine thing that I remember fondly. 

In happier and much more professional news, I facilitated my first Community Helpers training in August. I was very nervous. Like, stay up all night the night before nervous. And we had some technical difficulties with setting up. But my coworker / work BFF Jeannie was there and she was a great support to me. She ran and got me a coffee and a banana bread because I hadn’t eaten and was so so stressed. And she encouraged me through the whole thing. It went really really well. I almost choked up at the end while thanking the participants for coming and explaining how it was my first training and they were such a great group to do it with. 

The squad was all super broke so we turned to free activities. It was very wholesome. We spent many afternoons and evenings reading in Prince’s Island Park with snacks. We went to Shakespeare in the park. We went hiking. 

A lot of my friends moved away in August. Such is life when your friends are all academics or have bright futures that are not confined to the Calgary city limits. Sydney moved to Victoria to start her PhD and we had a nice day at Elbow Falls eating berries and then having dinner with my family. Adam and Kendal both moved to Ottawa to start a fancy new government job and an MSW degree, respectively. I am really really proud of all of my friends but I miss them, too. Calgary is not the same without these people. 

On the flip side – a new roommate moved in! Maddie left to move to Red Deer to be with Joel and so our new roommate was a French exchange student named Aurore. She arrived and was shocked to see that none of the advertised furniture was in her room except for one limp mattress. Karla and I hadn’t even known she was coming because my landlord sucks, but we helped her get her things together and then ordered her some Skip the Dishes. She was exhausted. And sweet. And was starting a block week MBA class the next day in her second language. I felt for her. 

September 

In September, the inklings of me moving into a different role at the university were planted. My boss called me in to her office one afternoon and shut the door. I was terrified but she said to me, “you’re not in trouble. Actually, just the opposite.” She brought up the recent vacancies in the job I now hold (lol: spoilers) and said, “Just think about it. I just want you to know that there would be no hard feelings if you chose to apply for the role.” I was flattered but also caught off guard. I did not think I was qualified for the job. I had virtually no client experience in either of my practicums. I wasn’t even registered with the ACSW at this point. And I loved my old job and my health promotion coworkers so so much. But also… I was on a twelve month contract. And the person away on leave was definitely coming back. I was “strongly encouraged” to get registered with the college. 

It was honestly such a mess. They gently nudged me towards applying for the role, I was torn. Then they told me it probably wouldn’t work because I wasn’t yet registered with the ACSW, and even if I did register would still only be provisional. I felt an odd sense of relief at that, and had totally psyched myself out of being able to do the job at that point. At the last minute, I was told “just submit an application to keep our options open.” I did so. I got an interview. I interviewed (and it was SO fucking stressful…. Interviewing with people you already work with is 10x worse than interviewing with strangers. I tell ya.). And… I got the job!!! Not only did I get the job, I got a full-time, permanent contract (there were two positions, one full-time and one on a longer contract. I was told from the beginning I would just be applying for the longer contract but I ended up getting the FULL TIME ONE.) It was a HUGE boost to my confidence and again, one of the happiest days of the year.  

September was also just absolutely insane for work. So many orientation presentations, students reaching out wanting to get involved, starting all of the volunteer programs, planning. I was so, so, so SO FREAKING TIRED. But we did lots of fun things. Like we took Aurore and her friend Cecile to Banff, had them try Caesers and Beaver Tails and all kinds of Canadian things. 

October 

On my last day in my old role, my coworkers decorated my desk with a homemade banner and got me desserts. We went to McDonald’s for a feast and sat in the Hub and made jokes. It felt really special and I was really touched. 

On October 7, I started my new-but-also-kind-of-the-same job. I was very nervous and there was a lot to learn right from the get go. And it was so… strange. I HAD MY OWN OFFICE. WITH MY NAME ON THE DOOR AND EVERYTHING. The imposter syndrome hit me like a tsunami. I was extremely stressed, extremely overwhelmed. But my teammates and my boss are great. They understand I’m new not just to the role but to the field. They were (and are) so kind and patient with me and answer all of my questions. 

For Thanksgiving, we went to Banff. We had beers and did a little bowling at High Rollers and then went to the Rimrock for dinner. It was very nice. A few weeks later, I hosted my own friendsgiving dinner and roasted a turkey! And spent all day decorating my parents’ house and the table to look fancy. Everything turned out really really well. I was super stoked. Note to self: throw more dinner parties. 

November: 

What I recall from November is just… stress. The case management / social worker life came at me real hard, real fast. I had to call CFS for the first time. My client did not want me to. It was hard. I did not cope well. My coping strategy was to fuck off to Lake Louise (?) for a weekend in a hostel and drink two bottles of wine with some random sorority girls from Chicago. And tears.

The cooking phase was in full swing at this point. Eggs benedict, soft pretzels, curry, French onion soup, gnocchi, prosciutto apple blue cheese chicken, apple and chai galettes.

The third week of November was also when I decided to start training for the half marathon. I found a plan online and set out to follow it and honestly, it’s been great. I usually don’t stick to exercise routines for longer than a month because I tend to go too hard, too fast and I overdo it and I let one hungover day derail me. But this plan wasn’t focused on distance but rather time spent running. So rather than, “I have to run 5km” today it’s, “I have to run for 45 minutes today.” I thought I’d hate that but I actually really like it. It encourages me to go a little slower and just run out the clock, at whatever pace. And the speed is building gradually, and naturally.

December: 

Aaaand December!

December has been so much marathon training. Today, I am entering my seventh week of consistent running and exercise. That is a badass accomplishment for me. I am very pleased. I even managed to do my runs in Saskatoon on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Aurore left back to Paris. She had a birthday party at the house with all of her international friends and we went for sushi and looked at Christmas lights in the rich people neighborhoods before she returned home. She ended up being so wonderful. I will miss her.

I went to Radium for a weekend with Kennedy, Matt, Amanda, and their friend Katie. The takeaways from this experience are: I am excited to get to spend more time with Kennedy and Amanda and to become better friends with them, I think I like smoking weed now, and skiing is the best.

2020: 

To be completely honest, my life is pretty good. I sometimes wish I had somebody to share it with, and that’s something I hope to be a little better about in 2020 is putting myself out there in more of a meaningful way. 

I also am super excited to continue down this path with my career and to develop personally and professionally as a social worker. There is truly so much to learn and I’m really motivated and excited right now to do well at this which is an awesome feeling. I do need to work on not taking my work home with me so much, about separating the social work life from the personal life. Setting boundaries and all that good stuff. 

I’m hopefully going to run my first half marathon in 2020. May 31. The countdown is on. Excited to cross that item off the bucket list and experience the rush of crossing the finish line! That endorphin high is going to be insane. 

And I want to keep developing my cooking skills. Though they may be small, they are mighty. I want to try and learn how to make fresh pasta dough. LOL. Simple goals. 

Anyways... thank you 2019 for all you have brought me and taught me. I am grateful for the life I get to the live and the experiences I get to have. And I’m super stoked to see where 2020 takes me. 

<3 

[thecrotchhand]

health class >:(

-ug

-did somebody say rick of suicide

-”ooh, there’s a laser!” -student teacher

-good ways to manage stress- “punching a hole through the wall”

-”do you have a long-term goal?” “dying”

-”we should deport justin bieber back to canada”

-”if you say you're gonna do something, then do it" "i'm gonna kill myself ;))"

-"i'm busy singing Africa by Toto" *off-key singing continues*

-"when you lose weight, where does it go?" "it goes to weight heaven"

-the guy next to me started playing Africa quietly from his phone

-"i'm talking to bowl cut. just kidding chris. i love you." "...i'm getting a haircut."

-"you don't lift to get swole" -st

-"that sounds not good for you" "i'm gonna try it"

-"during pregnancy, the women in here are gonna need more folate, iron, and calcium" "no, i'm gonna need a coathanger"

-"liar liar pants for hire"

-"is eustress good stress or bad stress?" (long silence) "it's good stress! yay!" -st

-good ways to relax- "11 hours straight of anime"

-"everything's gonna be ok" lmao good joke

-"precipitation... wait i mean perspiration. it still counts, it's raining from your body."

-ways to manage depression- "kill yourself :D"

-help the teacher (flynn) has been yelling at us for the past five minutes

-uh oh she said damn it's gettin' wild

-she went back into her office after and all of a sudden we hear a quiet "oh, happy Wednesday"

-"is it possible to have an abortion 700 weeks late?"

-"what's the r-word we talked about?" "rawr XD"

-"what does autonomy mean?" "it's like grey's anatomy but for cars"

-alcoholism is a good sims trait

-guy: sneezes

guy's friend: "god bless... america"

-”what do you say to your sibling during an argument?” "you should've been aborted" “no”

- "your personality might be kind of boring" "like a potato!" "yeah"

-"what does down to earth mean?" "it means you're like the lorax, you speak for the trees"

-"he was happy?" "yeah! put him working with me and larson for ten years and... we fixed him!"

-the student teacher generally has a habit of sarcastic yaying and it entertains me

-"jason (chris) move your head" "just throw a rock at it, it'll move"

-someone was trying to come up with weird phobias and someone suggested genital herpes

-"sir you've been diagnose with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia " "aahHH"

-"if someone comes up to you and says a mean word, you're gonna be upset" "hey sam" "what" "fuck"

-"i found a big circle"

-"*cough* flynn"

flynn, out of nowhere: "i heard that"

-"have you guys seen cabin in the woods?" "wait, the one with the cabin in the woods?"

-:(

-"let's say you don't have a gun" "pft, not in america"

-we were talking about miscarriage and cody goes "fetus... deletus"

-examples of anger- "when mcdonald's doesn't have ice cream"

-video from the 80's: "depression isn't talked about"

-a seal saved this guy's life and he just: 'ah yes it was all because of god' ¿¿¿???

-80's commercials are the weirdest shit

-yepperdoodles

-"...gonna get addicted to xanax"

-"you guys all did a really good job on your tests" "i got a C" "i got a D+" "yeah there wasn't a single person i was not happy with"

-"you say you see really good scores, but what i'm seeing is a D"

-examples of compromise- "i got a D+, but i feel i deserved an A, so let's meet in the middle with a C" "but what do i get out of it?" "if he passes the class, you don't have to see him anymore"

-"oh no my one feeling"

-"what are some ways to resolve conflict?" "killing yourself"

-"put away the candy this is health class"

-(talking about conflict) "...then the fire nation attacked"

-(softly) "yo what the heck dawg"

-"if they started a rumor-" "kill them"

-"when i was-" "a young boy"

-"you got two more weeks with the student teacher, then you get me back" *high pitched screaming*

-"they never broke out, and then one of them broke out"

-"wrestling uniforms are skimpy"

-(across the room) "hey man, can i touch your butt?" "i don't mind, dude"

-"let's say my wife is going to leave me and i'm... celebrating! oh wait"

-"they're fat and skinny, they're white, black, pink, purple, and orange-" "trump"

-"listen, idiotface"

-"do you think... the government is hiding the cure for cancer...?"

-i love government conspiracy theories during health

-"i... declare... bAnkrUptCY"

-"are we watching a movie?" "maybe if we're lucky it's the ring and it'll kill us"

-lmao i don't need drugs to feel numb

-"aww, flynn, we know you're drinkin' a bottle in the back room" "yeah, just look at ya, why wouldn't i?"

-The Weed™

-"weed stops your sperm from being produced correctly" "perfect, it's birth control too"

-"weed might shrink your... parts" "i think i'll just stick to meth"

-"weed might give you a special needs child" "it's wilson 2.0!"

-"i'm gonna be a drug dealer but not a mean one like a nice, happy 'eyy, wanna buy some drugs? :3'"

-oh no, grandma's growing weed in the basement

-"ahh, the weed's on fire"

-"guess that's how they caught the drug dealers. the deer were high"

-teacher: "ooh, i just sounded like yoda: don't smoke The Weed™"

-"hey, where can you buy a still? asking for a cousin"

-"raise your hand if you want to watch hentai"

-this guy keeps responding to people with "yes, my child?"

-"they put aborted fetuses in vaccines" "oh honey no"

-"how do you keep yourself from getting sick?" "stop breathing"

-examples of painkillers- "cocaine"

-"i know elvis presley is still alive because the king never dies"

-biggest drinker in our grade: "am i gonna be an alcoholic?" class: "you already are"

-c o m p r o m i s i n g  p o s i t i o n

-"trick question, i am hentai"

-"what would you do... if i said i could put you in your own hentai"

-"you're gettin' a hole in your nose oh my goodness"

-"depression" "nope" "wait... depression"

-"I can't remember the happiness i felt before drugs" "i can't remember feeling happiness at all"

-"oh you're back! just in time for meth"

-"oh my garage"

-"lotta meth in that town" "nah just incest"

-"it kills your brain cells. which some of you can't afford (staring directly at the class alcoholic)"

-"why do dentists have the highest suicide rate?? probably because everyone hates the dentist, i dunno"

-"that's accusations" "uuuuuhh no" "oh"

-"oh my gads. you got some meth?"

-"in the puss!" "terms" "sorry. vag!"

-"there's a pretty good chance that drug came out of someone's anal cavity" "that's why i don't do heroin"

-"hey, whose buttocks did this come out of?"

"i'm gonna go shoot myself with some dog food, brb"

-"oh my chicken pie"

-"i've been told we're gonna draw a penis"

-help they're genuinely discussing giving babies steroids

-"most of the female reproductive cells are useless" "just like my brain cells"

-the teacher keeps referring to developing babies as "little rat" and "alien creature"

-"if you eat my period snacks, i will eat you"

-*chiming* "is that santa??"

-"what's the only fluid that doesn't go to the baby?" "water" "no" "air" "no" "earth" "..." "fire"

-"you're supposed to snort those calcium pills" "don't snort the calcium pills"

-"mr. o'reilly, when'd you miss your period?"

-"is it true you puke the day after you get pregnant?" "no, if you puke the day after, it's from the alcohol the night before"

-fetus = jumbo shrimp

- i too, am a very sad lookin' heart

-"no, you cannot throw up your baby"

-"now that we've taken the baby home, we need to figure out what to do with it" "flush it down the toilet"

-"if you wear a hat all the time, all your hair is gonna fall out and die" "ha ha kevin, you're gonna die"

-"since i was 14. and i'm 112"

-"big dumb"

-"what do you want to be when you grow up?" "dead"

-"my parents say: 'hey... whatcha doin' with that 24-pack?'"

-"did jeffery dahmer's mom love him?" "hope not"

-"ohh i love the smell of babies *sniff sniff*"

-"they can be found in places that are... places"

-"why are there rotting apples under here?" "no you gotta let those ferment"

-"what's something you lose by age 3?" "hope"

-the guy in front of me had marvel porn on his phone????????????? hentai hulk's bright red ass is permanently ingrained in my mind

-"what am i supposed to do to live 2 more years? wrap myself in bubble wrap and eat brussel sprouts?"

-"for every 10 pounds overweight you are, subtract 1." "-50"

-"you're wearing a flamingo shirt, you're no one's favorite"

-"you don't snort viagra"

-"how do you feel about having guns in our home?" "how do you feel about how quickly i'd use it to kill myself?"

-"hey, 2 seniors walking down the hallway! wanna give her your papers?" "outta my way. hey! get back here and gimme your papers, ya bums."

-"it's not just the genitals that transfer STDs" "left calf"

-"what if they got an STD some other way?" "drinking sprite"

-"...serial monogamy-" "cereal is for mornings"

-"...trading sex for-" "chicken nugget"

-"you wanna try sex wearing a hazmat suit, go ahead" "don't kinkshame me"

-"STI: spaghetti time infection. it's an epidemic"

-"g- ross"

-"AIDS didn't come from sex with a monkey" "it's definitely about sex with monkeys"

-"what kinds of drugs do i need if i have AIDS?" "nothing, you wanna die"

-"do you know what they do to get rid of genital warts?" "chop your dick off" "mix wart cream with water and drink it"

-oh no they found out what they do get rid of genital warts

-"they shove a q-tip in your penis" "iiiiii'd rather die"

-"is that what tinder is? swipe right if you want crabs?"

-"i would suggest not setting your genitals on fire"

- "your penis doesn't do tricks"

-"do you have a driver's license? *nod* "do you have a car?" *nod* "are you a big boy?" *unsure nod*

-"i know it's only the last day but i will make you suffer for every last minute" "then i'll just do what i always do *sleeps*"

-our resident alcoholic was washing the board and people were jokingly flirting with him so he tied his shirt into a bikini and continued washing so the teacher docked him points for it. don't worry he was already failing

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

farting gene (a.k.a christmas gene)

Remember Christmas Gene? I wrote about him last holiday - one of those chat but never met up. He was from San Diego and was very direct asking me to his sister’s Christmas party and sending me photos of his sweater.

He was very cute, very attractive - and he definitely knew it.

We kept in light touch –he messaged me in October, asking me if I was still single. I responded with “Do you still not live in Seattle?”

He texted me on the Friday after Thanksgiving, then he Face-Timed me. He was one of those attractive guys who exuberated confidence. He was in the car with his best friend. Leon, who just moved to Seattle. When he panned the the camera to his friend, the friend said, “Who are you?”

I replied “Some girl Gene has never met.” They laughed and the three of us had pretty good banter. Gene and Leon were on their way to Barnacle, a cocktail spot in Ballard and asked me to join. I said I had plans- I was waiting to hear confirmation from Andrew about our movie date. Gene said, “So listen, last time you said you didn’t want to go out with me because I don’t live in Seattle. Well I come here often, and I’m willing to make it work. Because I too am looking for a serious relationship.” His confidence, normally unattractive to me, for some reason I was into. I said I needed to wait and see about my other plans. Gene said, “Give this guy another 15 minutes then come join us.” Confidence called me out it was a guy.

So then I called my sister and my friend to get advice. I called my friend and told her about Andrew, a nice guy I went out with once that who I would be watching a movie at my house with, or Gene who I had a good feeling about from our video chat. She said I should go with Gene because she could tell I was more excited about him. My sister said Andrew is the Peeta and Gene was the Gale – it was our Hunger Games reference for the hot guy and the good guy. I told her what my friend said, and that at least with Gene I could escape, but Andrew lives far away and would probably expect to stay over. My sister agreed we don’t even know if Andrew ‘Is’ the good guy. So I cancelled with Andrew (the potentially one night stand anyhow) and got a Lyft to see Christmas Gene of 2016.

I got to Barnacle and a short Spanish guy called out to me, “Gene is in the bathroom.” I sat down and put on my game face to impress the friend. He was awesome – I really liked Leon (platonically). Then a tall man comes to my side and gives me a very good hug – full body and embraced arms. Gene was tall, good hair and a light beard. He looked like DeLuca from Grey’s Anatomy and I was immediately enamored.

He stared into my eyes with a slight smile, saying it’s been too long and we finally met, rubbing my back so casually as if we’ve been dating for years. He was half Puerto Rican as well, and was shocked and happy to find I was.  The guys had put their name down to go to Walrus and Carpenter – a hip place in Ballard known for their Oysters and 3 hour wait time. Also, very pricey.

I learned a lot about Gene: He had slept with over 100 women, was surprised he only got chlamydia (his words not mine), just bought a house – seems he was showcasing his own pony. He said his mother would love me, and asked Leon to confirm. He talked a lot to Leon about me, in front of my face, but not always acknowledging me – that power play. Saying things like “I should have known she was Puerto Rican [turns to me] I was checking out your ass” and later saying “you have nice breasts – you can’t tell but I can when I’m looking down your shirt.”

That’s cool.

I realized, Gene didn’t try to ‘woo’ me, or court me, because his confidence gave him the immunity to say whatever he pleased. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I was running my diagnostics and It was still loading. The server came and Gene turned to him and said, “Give us your 12 best oysters and your most expensive Mescal.” Okay – it’s going to be one of THOSE nights. Gene and Leon started talking about Gene’s house in San Diego and Leon’s expensive $10,000 watch. Leon didn’t seem to be instigating this conversation but Gene was, doing the macho thing where he calls his buddy an “asshole” for getting a nice watch when his watch only cost $3,000. When the oysters came Gene went straight for them, and Leon had to say, “Hey man, give one to...”

Gen paused, grabbed one, and handed it to me staring longingly into my eyes, continuing to kiss me on the cheek throughout the night. I purposely gave him my cheek as I knew he’d go for the lips.

Gene would either give me so much attention, or ignore me completely as he talked with Leon.  It was all part of that hot confident guy game, and he knew he can get a girl in bed so didn’t even had to try. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think this would fly with me. However, I’ve got a blog to write, so let’s see what happens next.

The check came and Gene said he’d pay for me because I was his guest, so Leon only paid a third. Earlier at Barnacle both guys said my money was no good there when I tried to pay for my drink. So we started walking up the street to another bar. At one point, Gene stepped aside and said he needed to fart – and he did, loudly. He then walked up to me and held my hand. Seriously.

He would either walk ahead of me and Leon on his own, or stay next to me holding my hand or put his arm around me. He also was one of those guys who got off on talking to strangers, as if I were a college kid thinking, “wow what a crazy fun guy not having a care in the world!” But I’m 34, it came off as immature and obnoxious. He stopped a guy in the middle of the sidewalk just to say, “hi, how’s it going” – and not just a question, but actually made the guy stop in his tracks.

He then butted in on three young girls passing a joint, and started flirting with them, and asked to smoke and passed the joint around. The girls were eating it up. Later he stopped by a homeless man and just chatted it up, with a bewildered look of “wow what a cool story that bum had.”

We went into Percy’s and I got us a round of drinks. That’s when Gene stopped me and said, “Can I have a kiss?” and kissed me on the lips. What’s happening? He also shared a story about how he dated a girl and then they broke up and she got cancer, and he never visited her. Leon did, but he never did. She passed away and he regrets never seeing her. That’s a deep conversation to have on a first three-way date about a mistake you made.

We then started walking to another bar and this time Gene was on the give me attention kick. He stopped in front of the Sunset Tavern and looked in. “What do you think is going on there? There’s an attractive girl and an unattractive guy that looks like a date but – oh wait, she just gave him a high-five, what do you think that means?” I said I didn’t know, maybe he said a funny joke or they were on the same page. He said he thinks the guy was friend zoned – then he turned and stopped a woman who was walking. She kept walking, ignoring him, until he said “Excuse me I have a question – “ and kept talking. He asked this stranger on the street what she would make of this high-five and the woman concurred she thought the guy was friend zoned. That’s when Gene said, “I’m going to find out” and walks in the bar. Leon and I walked slowly behind, then turned and sat at a booth far away – I was embarked. Who is this ass-clown think he is? Seriously? That pompous to think you’ve got the right to interrupt the date and be rude? But of course not – he’s a charming mother trucker who can get away with anything.

Throughout the night, Gene asked me to spend the night with him. He was staying with his friend Leon, and I said I wasn’t going to third wheel Leon at his house. I offered him to stay at my place, but we wouldn’t have sex. He asked why? I said I rather not sleep with a guy on a first date. He then told me about several relationships he’s had with women who he slept with on a first date. I then said okay, what if I said we can sleep together, but then that’s it – no more dates. He said it wasn’t fair. I never made that ultimatum to a guy before, but as I said it I kind of liked it… I mean, if you’re really interested in dating me, would you give it up for a quick lay?

Anyway, we had this conversation twice throughout the night, about sleeping arrangements. Finally, Leon drove to my house and Gene says, “oh wow, let’s check out your house!” and Leon says, “No dude, let her sleep – she’s tired”. I said it was fine and invited them both in. Gene starts playing my piano – not well, but not horribly, but a drunken gibberish of keys. This probably went on for about 15 minutes, and I turned to Leon, “How long should I let this go for?”  A random drunk guy playing my piano… gets old. Finally, Gene gets up and says, “Wow, I’ve never played the piano before!” and then tells Leon he was staying with me because Leon snores. Why do guys need to come up with a phony reason?

Later he asked to smoke pot. I gave him some weed, and he proceeded to talk about how it’s the worst weed he’s ever seen: dry, and just terrible. But his tone was as if he was being sincere and just shocked. “Like seriously, I’ve never seen weed this bad I just… I can’t smoke this.” Oh yeah, though he’s a flashy medical salesman, he also grows his own cannibals in California – which he told those three girls, and said they should connect on Facebook to do business together.

So we go upstairs and Gene tells me he has to poop. I told him to use the downstairs bathroom. This is all real life by the way. I texted him “is everything ok down there?” because he was taking a while. He comes to my room and gets down to his boxer briefs. Yep, Gene had a nice body, and needed to look the way he did to get away with half of what … who he is.

“What are these pills for?” he asks as he picks up my birth control pills from the dresser. Anyone over the age of 12 knows what those look like – but he asked to sound stupid, so I can say I’m on the pill? I found myself growing more and more unattached to this guy. I hadn’t fully made a decision what would happen in the bedroom, but as the night progressed it became grossly clear the answer was: nothing. Nothing would happen. He was definitely trying – and I said no, several times. He kept asking, “Why? Why won’t you have sex with me?” I said because I didn’t want to. He said, “But there has to be a reason why?” I said nope. “Is it because you really like me?” I borderline laughed out loud, but instead just said “no…..”

“Don’t you love me?” I gave him the same answer: no

He began to pout. We ended up going to bed. In the middle of the night there was shuffling and somehow we were awake at the same time. Without getting too detailed or graphic, we’ve all been in the situation where we are in bed with someone, and whether you like the guy or not there will be some making out. Nothing will progress of course, but with Gene, it was a constant battle of explanation.

Disclaimer: this story may not sit well with some women. A guy pressuring a woman for sex, not taking ‘no’ for an answer, and coming on very strong. For womankind, I should have thrown his ass out of my house, right?

Why didn’t I? Honestly, I didn’t feel threatened and it seemed like more trouble to kick him out. At most I’d send him to the couch, but I was always able to get him pouting again and to bed.

The best part was, he spoons me and lets out an enormous fart. Yes, a fart ss loud I felt the vibrations. This wasn’t the first or second time I’ve heard him fart – on our first date. “Oh that was a gooood one” he says.

“That is so not attractive you know,” I responded.

“But it was a good one?” he said in a pouty voice.

At this point, he could be Brad Pitt and I wouldn’t touch his penis.

After that, I went to bed. In the morning, I got dressed to get ready for the day and he said he needed another hour of sleep, asking if I did too – a passive aggressive invite to come back to bed to him. Yes, I want to crawl back into bed with you. No, no I do not. I said I’m good and went downstairs. He probably slept in my bed for a good solid hour before coming down. He said he was going to call a Lyft, not Uber. That made me realize he knew where I worked, but never asked me a single question the night before – anything, about me.

He was complaining about the app - why it looked like his driver wasn’t moving. He suddenly shot up and said “My Lyft’s here” ran out the door and shouted “bye!’ without even as much as turning back – no hug, not kiss goodnight. It was almost socially awkward and strange how he darted out. Later that day he responded to my text the night before: 

We hadn’t texted after, until some time in January where he said he was in town and wanted to see me again. A week after he sent me a Snap of him drinking whiskey. I wonder how long this will go for? No, I can’t even ghost Farting Gene - I’ll let him know... eventually.

-November 25, 2017

Date #1 with BMBL Gene Suitors in 2017 YTD: 36 Dates in 2017 YTD: 44

[lunaschild2016]

Worth Fighting For Chapter 45 - Boiling Points

Rating: M (violence, smut, language, references to abuse and violence)

Romance/Tragedy

He was ruthless, cunning and completely committed to protecting his city but her arrival to Dauntless called everything he ever thought he believed into question. Duty and following orders were no longer enough. They both found more than they ever thought possible. They both found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC AU M Tragedy/Romance

@kenzieam@ericdauntless@jojuarez26@jaihardy@iammarylastar@captstefanbrandt@badassbaker@readsalot73@fuckthatfeeling@dani5102@beltz2016@beautifulramblingbrains@affabletimelady@irasancti@meganbee15@meganbee15@lauraaan182@gylisaa@scorpio2009@bookgirlthings@pathybo@violetsonthelam@singingpeople XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: This will be the last chapter until at least Sunday so I can do some reading and more writing!

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Chapter 45 - Boiling Points Kat

I was still scowling and grumbling as Zach lead me back to the Pit where I was going to be meeting Four.

I swear between alarms and phones interrupting me, I was just one throbbing and grumpy ball of frustration. Once again we had been interrupted and just when things had started to get really interesting.

Eric had apparently really liked what I had said about wanting him with me. So much so that before I had time to register I was even moving, my back was against the cushions of his couch and he was pressed against me while attacking my mouth with a possessive and toe curling vengeance.

He had finally let me explore. Was even so kind as to whip his shirt off with a smirk down at me as I groaned a little and blushed at the same time. Of course he had said something about it only being fair for me to return the favor and before I knew it I was whipping mine off, meeting his taunting challenge.

Then he was groaning and pushing me back against the couch again while his mouth went back to work on mine. He hadn’t let me look my fill and slowly run hands, lips and tongue over the pale skin of his chest like I longed to do.

To memorize each plane of his abdomen and those muscles that were the definition of washboard. My mind had already cataloged and burned into it the series of tattoos over his almost entire left side and stopping just past his shoulder on his arm.

It is a collage of images all done in shades of black and grey. Some of the images so light you wouldn’t be able to pick out what they were unless you could gaze long enough. It was an eclectic mix of things that I was coming to realize were just Eric.

From images like something I recognized as Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man, the human anatomy contained within a perfect geometrical formation of a circle and then the body drawn to be with arms and legs widespread alongside the regular positioning.

A wicked looking dragon that was more serpent like in design was done in a combination of faded and darker black. It also was coiled so that its wide and long teeth were revealed to be opening and looking as if it were ready to consume the end of it’s own body. Faded renderings of knives, rifles, skulls and mechanical workings were woven in between images of wolves and eagles looking feral and cunning. Geometric patterns or symbols peaked through images they were superimposed on or hidden inside of.

All of these things were melded together creating a patchwork of images that seemed to just work together. The thing that most stood out that I had noticed from the first time he had whipped his shirt off in front of me as a distraction, was the very pointed and gaping void over his left chest muscle, right where his heart would lay under.

Of the entire side that was riddled with ink, that space alone was empty. Negative space they would call it and it had made my heart burn with something I couldn’t understand when I first saw it.

Now I wanted to nuzzle against it, to burn my touch into the space as if it was and had been there just waiting for me to fill it. I had to settle for my hands doing that for me as Eric had seemed hell bent on being the only one whose mouth was exploring anything.

I was still feeling the slickness that had started to build between my thighs as soon as he started to run his fingers over my naked flesh. That same wetness that seemed to get more urgent in how it was building as his breath heated each inch where his lips seared into me.

My hands had been grasping his hair, destroying that perfection he normally sported as my back was arched forward trying to coax him to stop his teasing and move those lips to where my body was calling for them the most.

Then his goddamn phone started going off.

I had huffed angrily and he had mirrored that but hadn’t tried to pull away. Not until it seemed liked the phone had some kind of seizure with how much it kept going off in rapid succession.

He had to check it then and had grumbled something about Four being on a warpath asking for me in the dining hall when I hadn’t shown. Apparently Lynn had covered me in some kind of way...again. Eric had also said something about Max messaging him a reminder and at that he had sighed heavily and moved off of me.

After that he had helped me put my shirt back on, with a look of regret for having to do it, then got dressed himself. He had just helped me with my jacket again when Zach knocked loudly twice and then entered into the apartment.

“Time to go, princess.” Zach had said soberly. I could see the worry in his eyes and Eric had tensed instantly.

He hadn’t let me go before kissing me one more time and giving me one more demand to be careful.

We walked into the Pit causally together. Looking for all the world like I had been doing exactly what Lynn said. Hanging out with Zach and helping him with a report to Candor. It wasn’t far fetched because I had offered the same thing before and expressed interest in what he did.

Four must have been keeping a close eye out for me because the air whirled when he whisked into view.

“Time to go Initiate.” His voice was gruff and annoyed.

“I’m ready.” I nodded to Four and said this meaningfully. I look to Zach and smile to him as I wave.

“See you soon.” He called to my retreating back as I followed Four. It was casually said but I got the message. One of them would be watching for my return. I just hoped they weren’t following as well.

Four leads me out a passageway towards the train and stands beside it looking at his watch. “Where were you?” He asked lowly but still loud enough for me to hear him.

“With Zach. I am interested in what he does and he has been putting together a report on the jail system in the candor complex.” All truths in a way and I say it with a casual shrug.

He sighs heavily. “Why can’t you just stick to the other initiates? You do know who he is friends with right?”

My lips thin and I try to contain my temper. “Do not start on me, Four. You can’t dictate to me who I become friends with or how I spend my time. I don’t and never did lecture you about how you spent your time or who you spend it with. Not even when that person was someone very close to me.”

I glare at him and see him pale in the light of the setting sun while he closed his eyes. “I had wondered if you knew or figured it out.”

I scowl at him. “Of course I knew and figured it out, Tobias. She is my fucking sister for christ's sake. So when some of the people we both know in the factionless we used to help, told me that she had a brush up with a group of them but a Dauntless helped her out, I took an interest. And when they told me that same Dauntless was often then seen with her afterwards, I kept an eye out. I wasn’t surprised to see it was you. I was even fucking thankful. What I can’t understand or handle is why you didn’t tell me. Why keep it secret from me but not only that, you started to pull back even more just when I thought we were starting to rebuild our friendship!”

He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t want you to think I was betraying you in some way. I also….well...she doesn’t know…”

Realization courses through me and I close my eyes and groan. “She doesn't know who you are, Tobias? Two fucking years and you haven’t told her!”

I am getting angry now and we haven’t even been gone from Dauntless more than fifteen minutes. I don’t realize I am in his face until he puts a hand on my shoulder and moves me back gently with a scowl on his face.

“You know how this is for me. I..”

“I do know Tobias. I was fucking there remember! But you have also been romantically involved with my sister for two years and have yet to tell her several vital pieces of information. You don’t think I have a right to be pissed here? I have to know everyday that when you do finally tell her, an already strained relationship might become even more so. You might not be meaning to do this Tobias but you are coming between my sister and I.” I finish a little more softly and worriedly.

“Why haven’t you told her then, Kat?” Four asks, his own frustration and guilt making him snap at me.

“Do you think I want to hurt her? She has been happy with you and I want that for her. I want my sister and even you to be happy. Telling her could hurt that and her. Do you really think that she isn't going to be upset or wonder if she was some kind of second choice? Even though we both know that isn't true, I know my sister enough to know that is what she will think. Not to mention that telling her would bring up more questions that I couldn’t answer because they aren’t my secrets to tell. I was hoping that you would realize all of this and care enough to not put me in that position. To maybe restore some of my faith in you and our friendship. I was fucking stupid apparently.” Tears burn my eyes as I get this out and jerk out of his grasp.

Whatever he had been about to say will have to wait as we hear the train coming towards us. We wait to start our run to make it into the third to the last car. Once there we wait until our guides jump on the train to lead us to where we will need to go.

One of them greets me with a smile when he jumps on. His smile is a crooked side smile with a flash of teeth. But his teeth surprisingly white considering his usual living conditions. He looks me over and his eyes narrow while he turns my head this way and that, looking over my injuries.

He looks to Four who shakes his head, lips thinned.

The older man sighs heavily but continues to smile at me. “The fighting portion is done, yeah?”

I go to nod and reassure the older man but Four interrupts me. “It is but Kat here has punishments every morning until the end of training.”

“Punishments? With who and for what?” He demands from me in a commanding voice. Disappointment behind every word.

I see why Four had always respected and deferred to him. Once again Four answers for me. “Eric and at first it was because of some stunt she pulled with knives while practicing on her own and he caught her just as she hurt herself. Then it got added to when she got drunk one night and after a fight where she was majorly hurt.”

I sigh and roll my eyes at the same time. “Eric did this to you?” The older man demands.

“NO!” I yell out my objection at the same time as Four’s cry of yes...then his muttered..’well some of it’.

I growl at Four before I turn to address the question myself. “No, Eric didn’t do all of this to me and what he did wouldn’t have happened if I had been watching to block his hits. So I am being punished yes but I am also learning, Amar.”

The russet skinned man tilts his head and holds my eyes before he smirks. “Interesting. Well, I guess as long as you are learning then you know what I am going to say. You also know I am going to say that I don’t want to hear about you getting drunk or pulling stupid stunts again. Not ever if you can help it but for damn sure not during initiation.”

His command and disappointment thrum through me and have me lowering my eyes with a nod. “Yes Amar.”

He puts a hand on my head and makes me look back to him, his eyes twinkling a little. “I am proud of you though, for having the courage to go through with this and follow your heart. I want to hear all about training so far but we need to jump, our stop is coming up.”

With a nod and a smile I follow him closely from the jump. Four is behind me and after him is the other man that accompanied Amar. Someone I have only met a few times but is nice enough. He is a young man about Four’s age named Evan.

Amar and Evan walk ahead of us as Four pulls me to hang back slightly. “Kat….” He takes a breath and stops me completely. “I am sorry. I will try and tell her soon. I will also try to tell her about us but just...give me the time please?”

I look at him long and hard before nodding. “Until a week after initiation. I don’t want her losing focus and suffering for that. So as far as our friendship and that other thing between us...that can wait until after initiation. But Tobias...you need to tell her who you are really before then. This I will not waver on.”

He nods just as Amar turned back and walked towards us, looking worried. “You two ok?”

Four nods and walks ahead while Amar looks to me and cocks and eyebrow. I shrug. “It’s just Tobias being Tobias.”

He chuckles and hooks an arm around my shoulders, propelling me forward. “Come on half-pint. We need to get you in and with her before she sends out someone after my blood for taking too long. She has been worried sick about you and how you have been there.”

I sigh with a smile and shake my head but don’t object even when he playfully throws me over his shoulder and starts to lope off with me.

Four scowls and barks at him about me still being hurt and I am dumped back to my feet but pulled along. I shoot the bird at Four over my shoulder as we enter the part of the Candor sector that is being used by the group I am going to see. They have had to move out even further it seems to get away from those that are bound to make their lives hell. Like being fucking factionless isn’t already hell enough.

We have to take a few winding paths and go through a few tunnels before we back track through a few more to get where this group is holding up for the winter.

We enter into what might have been a series of underground access tunnels, basements and housing units for electrical and plumbing. It might have been gutted out years before the wars and our city was established or over the years that the factionless have been around. It was cold but it looked like they were doing their best to keep it as clean as they could. It still wasn’t a comfortable way to live.

The tunnel Amar lead us down started to go up at some point and then we came out from a stairway into a small building. All along the pathways there are lanterns and lights that look similar to the ones the Amity use. Not enough light to completely illuminate everything with their flickering flames in the glass and metal frames, but enough to see safely.

Amar stops at a door just down the hall from the stairs and gives a brief rap before he opens it up. He ushers me in first and I am immediately greeted by a smiling middle aged woman with curly black hair cut to just above her shoulders. She has a spare upper lip just as her son does and the same olive skin. She is beautiful with her strong angular features, only marred by a large and wide scar that runs from just below her right ear to halfway across her throat.

Her intense dark blue eyes narrow and her lips thin slightly when she takes in my appearance. All visible from the fire that heats and lights the room coming from a barrel similar to the ones Dauntless has throughout the compound.

She lets out a soft sigh and holds out her arms, opening them wide. “Oh my sweet Katie. Look at you.”

I give a smile and step into her embrace, allowing her and only her to use that name without me raising hell. “I am ok, Evelyn. I promise.”

She sighs into my hair and shakes her head, clucking slightly but then pushes me back and takes a longer look. The soft smile tilts her lips again and the scrutinizing look turns more contemplative. “You are looking much more….yourself. You are happy there.”

This isn’t a question, she can see it clearly. I smile widely at her and nod. “I am. I know it doesn’t look it but that is part of the process.”

She nods and then releases me to turn to look at Four. “Tobias.” She greets him with a warm smile. He returns it but they don’t move to embrace. She still has issues with coming into contact with men and Tobias has always been extra aware when trying not to make his mother suffer anymore. It pains them both and I see it in their eyes.

“Well, you two have a seat. We are setting up here for the winter this year.” She informs me as she leads me to a threadbare but still serviceable old sofa. I sit beside her there while Tobias takes a seat opposite us in a old metal chair. Amar had excused himself leaving the three of us alone for the time being.

I frown and nod to her. “It should be a good enough place. I am sorry I won’t be able to...”

She scoffs and waves away my words before I can even finish them. “Do not even try to apologize for that, Katie. You always helped out how and where you could and now you are just doing it in a different way.” She patted my hand. “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I want to hear about you and your sister. How are things going with initiation?”

She looks to me but also Four, and I can tell she is wondering who confronted who first about that. She had urged me to do it before initiation and I know she had probably done the same for him. There were a few things she had said I needed to get out in the open with him but I just couldn’t.

I sigh and smile at her. “Tris and I are doing really well, though the rankings haven’t come out yet. She won four of her seven fights and two of them against people that would have been considered higher skill levels. I am not sure what mine will be because I…”

“She won all of her fights, mother. So don’t let her try and downplay things.” He looked over to me and had what I knew to be his instructor hat on. His tone and way of looking at me told me so. “She did really well. Maybe a little too well.” He muttered, his eyes narrowing at me.

I cleared my throat and flashed a sarcastic smile at me. “Well thanks for that vote of confidence. Yes, I did win all of my fights but at least two of them weren’t really even fights. I swear one guy just gave up and the other girl is one that really shouldn’t have transferred at all.”

I get quiet when I think of Mayra and Edward. “She isn’t going to make it.” I whisper that and look at my hands with tears filling my eyes.

I hear Four’s sigh but he doesn’t disagree either. Evelyn takes my hand in hers and lifts my chin. “I talked with Amar and Tobias about this when we heard about cuts. Not that we doubt you and your sister at all, mind you...but it was in case...well...anything happened. But if this girl does get cut and you think she would like it, I can have Amar and Evan look out for her, bring her to us instead of the other group.”

I nod with tears dropping from my eyes. “Oh yes. She wouldn’t...Evelyn she would never make it with them.”

She nods and her lips thin. “Then Tobias will make the arrangements when the time comes.”

Relief floods me and I hug her to me. After I pull away I wipe my eyes and smile at her but also at Four. He looks to me with his eyes softening.

“So what else has been going on? Tobias said you were wanting to ask me some questions.” Her brow furrows in worry.

I tense and my face goes hard. “Did he also tell you that our group was attacked during this years game of Capture the flag?”

Her eyes snap over to him and she scowls at him. “He did not. What happened?”

Four rubs the back of his neck. “Ten men dressed as Dauntless converged on a group and opened fire. Only they were using neurostim darts and not real bullets. Our little Kat here decided to try and be a hero and threw herself in front of two of the people in her group. One of them I strongly believe was the sole target of the attack.”

“Katie? You were hit? Who were you protecting?” Evelyn reaches for my hand worriedly and I prepare myself to hear her reaction.

“I was hit by some kind of modified dart and I was on Eric’s team. He and Peter, a Candor transfer, where with me and I protected both my teammates.” I said firmly and raised my chin letting my posture say it all to her.

She pales and her eyes go wide with fear. “Modified dart? What kind?”

Four answers for us both. “The clinic said something about it affects the nervous system.”

I swear I hear her heart stop and she grips my hand tightly. She nods and wipes her face of everything. “Tobias, would you be a dear and go find Evan. I feel the need for some of that tea he picked up from Amity the other day for me.”

He hesitates, but knowing that tea helps his mother with her anxiety and panic attacks, he moves to go get it without further protest. When he has gone, and she is sure he won’t come back in, she whips back to me with wide eyes.

“I need you to be honest with me and tell me truthfully. Were you hit by these modified darts and how many times? Don’t try and spare me from worry Mary Katherine, it is imperative I know.”

I frown at her but nod. “I was hit by the modified darts but they also said more of the regular darts. Two of the modified darts hit my leg.”

“Two? You were hit by two…” She trails off and looks me over. “What do you know about those darts?”

“I was told they attack the nervous system. That it causes severe pain and might be permanent but that after three weeks it should have worked it’s way out of the system and I will know more. Apparently because the darts only hit the leg, weren’t in that long and weren’t that deep; I wasn’t as bad off as I could have been. It really hurt though. I blacked out and they had to keep me drugged up because of the pain.” I  shiver remembering the soul tearing pain I felt for all that time.

She takes a breath and nods. “Now I need you to answer this next question because your life may depend on it. What were your aptitude results?”

I pale and my lips thin but answer quickly. “Dauntless.”

“And?” Her tone and eyes let me know she knows that isn’t all.

“Evelyn….” I sigh and close my eyes. “I really did just get Dauntless on the aptitude test. The system finally decided on that but...something happened and the Candor woman said I broke it. That something happened and it couldn’t keep up. She said that Dauntless kept being the most frequent aptitude in all the scenarios so it just went with that. By the end of it though she said the program had shut down so she did something to make the terminal become fried.”

She closes her eyes and runs a hand over her face. “And you protected Eric. He knows you got shot by these darts?”

I nod slowly.  “He was the one that helped me afterwards and told me about them.”

She stands and walks away from me. “Katie, those darts have been used more often than not in attacks against us. People who are hit by them, people that aren’t divergent, become so riddled with pain that anything is almost impossible for them. Some lose function of their motor skills completely. A few have died. But people like you Katie...they recover at alarming rates. You shouldn’t be able to move around like you are right now at all even with being divergent. It still takes days if not weeks.”

I frown and shake my head but I feel the cold hand of dread settling on me. “But if I was hit by only those…”

Evelyn walks back towards me. “Two weeks ago one of our men here was hit by one in his hand and pulled it out within seconds. He still can’t use that arm and to this day has issues with the feeling in his feet and constant blinding headaches. Katie, he is divergent too and he was hit by one.”

I swallow nervously as I realize what she is saying. Not only am I divergent but if what she is saying…

“You need to keep away from Eric as much as possible, Katie. Now more than ever. Be very careful of everything you do. It showed Dauntless which is good but if he was there he might suspect and be watching you closely. He is very cunning, Mary Katherine. Do not doubt for a second he would use anything to manipulate you or the situation. He is the one Jeanine relies on to hunt divergents. He will kill you if he confirms you are one.”

Her words are like ice being pumped into me. I want to scream at her that isn’t possible. That Eric would never do that, he isn’t like that.

But he would and is like that. I have seen it and heard the stories. I know how cruel he can be. I know how hard he can be and if there is a threat, he wouldn’t hesitate to eliminate it.

He is different with me though.

He is cunning. Didn’t you doubt that he could want someone like you? He could just be using that as a way to keep you close, to get you to trust him..and then….

No!

I scream internally and then shake my head as if to drive out those thoughts. I barely hear Evelyn’s plea for me to be careful or recognize my voice as I robotically tell her I will. I numbly manage to follow along with the conversation when Four and Amar both return.

I become a little more alert when Four gets information that they don’t know about the attack and what the goal was. That it could be in retaliation for something that recently happened. They don’t have more details than that.

The entire time the three of them are talking, my mind and heart at war. The dark parts of me are whispering poisoned thoughts. Calling me a fool for believing anyone would actually want me. That it only makes sense he would use this. Because I am stupid and innocent enough to fall for it when he realized my attraction to him.

The other part of me, a stronger part, is burning with indignation at those darker parts. Is rallying to his defense and urging me to follow my heart.

Memories replay for me of Eric and I. Of how he is when we are alone but also the three of the men.

It can’t be an act. Not with how much they seem to care.

I don’t know if Amar sensed my preoccupation but before I know it he is standing before me. “Would you like to see the rest of the place? We can give these two some time to talk about things.”

I nod and stand but give Evelyn a hug. She had been trying to convince Tobias to arrange for her to meet Tris soon. She had been livid when she found out he still hadn’t told Tris things she needed to be told. She was also hurt that he hadn’t told Tris about her.

Tobias had some making up to do to all the women in his life.

Amar had his arm around me and guided me to another room. When we were in, he led me to a chair. It looked to be his own room and he leaned against the side of a desk looking me over seriously. “What is on your mind half-pint?”

I swallow and look at some random point on the wall. “What was he like? During his initiation?”

Amar tilts his head and shrugs. “Four is like he was then, though around you…”

I shake my head and scoff. “Not him. Eric.”

Understanding lights his eyes and a smirk tilts his lips. “I could say the same but I haven’t been around Eric in a very long time. Don’t tell either of them I said this...but Four and Eric are much the same in many respects.”

I snort and smile at him, a small smile that doesn’t light my eyes all the way. “You think?”

He comes to kneel in front of me. “Why are you asking about, Eric?”

“He and I have….well he...is a friend…” I get out not wanting to say more.

Amar’s lips thin and he nods slowly. “I had wondered when Four mentioned those punishments. It isn’t like him to take such a proactive interest in others. But if you are friends then you know him as much as I do...or did. So why are you asking about him really?”

“Because...I am divergent.”

Amar tenses and he lets out a breath, hanging his head. “Always suspected but had hoped…”

He trailed off and I frown. “Why did you always suspect? I mean, I always knew I was going to Dauntless. It’s just who I always have felt I am.”

He nods slowly. “But you are also one of the smartest little brats I have ever come across. You don’t like lying if you can help it and if you can’t, you do so in the most honest way you can. Then there is the fact that you are a very selfless and caring person.”

“What am I going to do?” I whisper more to myself and all about Eric. I just couldn’t let myself believe he would ever want to hurt me.

“You are going to make it through initiation, that is what you are going to do. Four will help you with the fear sims but you must always approach everything how a Dauntless would. From here on out you need to keep that in mind for everything.” He squeezes my hands and holds my eyes as he gives me this order.

I take a breath and nod to him. I should be only concerned with that but I can’t be. My heart feels like it is breaking and I feel ridiculous for it.

A matter of my life and all I can think about is that I don’t want to lose him.

Four comes to collect me soon after that and we leave much the same way we came in. Amar and Evan don’t jump onto the train with us and we ride home in the quiet. When we near the compound and are about to jump, Four tells me to remember to keep away from Eric as much as possible but I know before my feet even hit the ground during our jump that there is no way I can do that.

I may not be able to keep away from him but the next revelation for me is that I may not be able to keep this from him either.

If Evelyn is right and he knows that divergents are resistant to serums, as she explained to me when I was still reeling, then he also knows or suspects about me. If he does and what she says about him is true...I am already dead.

If this is a game to him, or some kind of manipulation to get me to trust him then the only way to find out is to end it.

By the time Four leaves me at the door of the dorm I have my resolve. I know what I need to do and I pray for the strength to be brave enough to do it.

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy 16x14 review

(Who hurt the writers on Grey's? Everyone is breaking up and everyone's unhappy.)

_________________________________________

Deluca

Talking about him first because he is the biggest mess on Grey's right now and that's saying something. I really hope its sleep deprivation and not anything else because the way he's heading, hes gonna either be put in the mental or fired and either way no one can say he wouldn't deserve it. He was just out of it the whole episode. He was an ass to Dr Haynes who is one of his superiors, Yelling at Meredith in front of everyone, bringing out all of their personal business and even if he didn't care that's really embarrassing for the chief of surgery to be yelled at by a resident. He broke up with Meredith and THEN YELLED AT THE PATIENT. I was just done by then and Dr Riley calling him a machine 😳😱😰, wow what is happening to sweet innocent Deluca? I miss him. I sure hope that they figure out fast and solve what the hell is wrong with him or he's gone.

_________________________________________

Meredith

Apparently had no patients or chief of general surgery duties to do, so she decided to steal Deluca's out of concern, only to be yelled at, dumped and embarrassed by her resident/boyfriend. Honestly I don't know what to say, well for starters she should have either left Deluca alone or suggested the problem to Bailey and have another Doctor take over Suzanne instead of taking over the case. She can't keep using her Chief of General status to protect him. She should have chewed him out and told him to go get some sleep like she would have done with any other resident. Was kinda disappointed she let him talk to her like that. Come on Mer great sex or not he's not worth lowering your respect at work, at least not again you already went through that as an intern.

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Dr Haynes/ Mc Widow

So far so good, still not at shipper level with him and Mer yet, but as a stand alone character hell yea he's awesome. I kinda like him as the peds dr as well, him trying to help Joey with his physical therapy was something that he could have pawned of to an intern but no he made it his priority to find out himself how to help Joey, you can tell he really cares for his patients. My heart melted when he discussed with Bailey on how to help Joey, and then when he tried to defend Meredith form Deluca who is currently in hulk form. He's a cool addition to the cast so far.

_________________________________________

Jo Wilson/Karev

Is definitely on the brink of breaking and who could blame her? However she needs to find another way to break besides sticking her nose in other people's business. When she was talking to Link about Amelia earlier about having a tumor and not wanting kids. She definitely did not have the whole story about that and needed to zip it then in the OR with Owen she brought up how he would feel if Amelia's baby was HIS OMG, she almost ruined everything. For a second I wanted to slap her but then when she started to cry at the phone call with Alex and I couldn't stay mad, she's definitely suffering right now. Why are they doing it this way? I can't understand. They made a reference with the bear case and rekindled old flames that made me wonder if Alex found Izzie Idk, I'll have to wait and see.

On another note though, did they really try to validate affairs on that episode last night? Wow.

_________________________________________

Owen

Giving advice on how to care for a pregnant woman to Link on the elevator..... what a cringe 😖😖. Link knew and he didn't. And then besides going to the ultrasounds was Owen really there for Teddy? the 1st third Teddy was afraid to tell him she was pregnant, the 2nd third he spent being upset with Teddy and sorting out his relationship with Amelia and the adopted kids and the 3rd third he was pissed at Teddy's relationship with Koracick so when we think about it is he really qualified to give advice??? That was all he did in the episode, give advice, even to Jo. Since when is he a reliable source at giving advice.

_________________________________________

Bailey

Nothing much to do, except give a PSA on menopause, kicking Deluca off the case, temporarily ending powered up Deluca and sharing some joy with Joey while also attempting to share some with Richard. She is definitely going to help Joey, I'm not sure about the others since they seem to be happy and settling into their new homes well. Plus 4 adoptees as well as Tuck, that might be a little too much to handle. I was happy to see her and Richard's friendship as I usually am. That is the most personal I've seen their friendship usually it's mostly work husband to work wife. She's concerned and for good reason because I've never seen him so down before, it's almost at alcoholism relapse level and she's probably the only one left to help him.

_________________________________________

Richard

Is in a deep slump. His wife left him, hes separated and work no longer seems to be doing the trick for distracting him. Hes not teaching the interns and refusing to accept the help from friends. I hope this isn't a relapse coming or a cheating scandal either. Richard you've come too far now to go backwards. Get it together and surprise Catherine by being great.

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Amelia/Link

They broke up........ saw it coming but yet didn't see it coming and the excuse she used. Idk it was a little weak at the end of the day anyone would be sceptical to enter a relationship with potentially another man's baby. It may however be for the best right now, she had a rough pregnancy before where her baby died and the paternity stress definitely isn't good for her and baby. She needs to focus on her and her kid for now to ensure a healthy birth. Then for sure she needs to get the test done and face the problem. Props for her though for finally realizing that Maggie is possibly one of the most supportive people ever and deserves to be supported as well.

_________________________________________

Maggie

May have finally found her person in Amelia Shepherd who after being shown how it's done to be a supportive person has seemed to try it for herself. Their moments tonight were sweet to me Amelia is more like her half sister than Mer is. They really are sweet and are developing a close bond. When Amelia called her everything at the end to Link❤❤❤. I think this is the beginning to a beautiful sister hood.

_________________________________________

Jackson

Mark Sloan's work reincarnated, then in the episode at the end, popped up out of no where outside Meredith's house to apologize for being an ass to Maggie at the end of their relationship. Basically just a filler role tonight.

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Nico and Levi

They were the most confusing of the night and that's saying something. At the beginning of their relationship Nico tells Levi he doesn't want a baby gay who's parents don't know that he's gay and after Levi outed himself to his parents and family and everyone else causing conflict among his family Nico then confesses that his own parents are unaware that he's gay.

Say what????????????

The funniest part to me about it is that when Levi was about to tell him how wrong it was for Nico to come at him for not telling his parents when he himself didn't even tell his own family, Nico was like I know what I said,....... excuse me what? The writers didn't even try with this one, they made him say one thing and was like well we need to throw some good old fashion conflict in these guy's relationships so let's just ignore what he said earlier and go from there. It sucks because they really were a great couple with potential.

_________________________________________

End notes/Questions

• I'm incredibly thankful that Suzanne lived so that her kids could see her again. She really is an awesome mom, and her family dynamic, with her sister reminds me of the one I have with my sister, so that case really did hit a spot.

• The foster kids reunion was so cute and how sweet is Joey, hes like the kindest teenager ever. And so are his siblings, they're all adorable.

• I need them to do something with the place they're taking Deluca down and solve it fast because I don't like the place he's heading.

• Same goes for Alex, hes ghosting Jo and now Meredith. I know they have to try to take the band aid off slowly so it won't affect Jo's character but I wished they'd do it without erasing Alex's growth.

• Will Link and Amelia get back together and who's the father Owen or Link?

• Is Richard going to have a relapse or is something going to change.

• Will Ben and Bailey adopt Joey and his siblings, just Joey or none. For some reason I can feel a Ben and Bailey conflict coming on, they haven't discussed the miscarriage and that's bad.

• What's going to happen with Livi and Nico? I'm at a lost on where it's going at this point.

• Pac north is gone, are we going to see some more new doctors at the hospital?

• And last and most importantly, can we have at least one healthy happy couple on Grey's If not I'll settle for a happy healthy person.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X04

Sorry for the lateness everyone! My friend and I always watch Grey’s on Friday together, but she was away so we watched it on Sunday instead. Okay, now that that’s out of the way onto the recap and review! I liked this episode overall! There were definitely some things that pissed me off about it, but on the whole I liked it.

The beginning of the episode bugged me. Remind me again why I’m supposed to like DeLuca? He’s always trying to get Meredith to play hooky. I hope Bailey does fire him. He deserves it. We then find out via Amelia and Maggie that the website Mer wrote to took her ideas, created a story around it, and attributed it to her! Yikes!

We then cut to an adorable Jolex scene of the two of them laughing in bed as the read Mer’s article. I love them! A trauma comes into Grey Sloan, but the patient refuses treatment because he’s seen the article the website published. Owen has the ambulance take him to Pac North. There’s a continuity error here. Owen says that Pac North is closest. Previously it’s always been stated that Seattle Pres and (pre-merger) Mercy West were the closest hospitals to Grey Sloan. How did Pac North suddenly become closer to Grey Sloan than Seattle Pres?

We find out that from the other residents that after being fired Qadri moved to Michigan to work in a hospital there. Good for her! I’m happy for both her character and the actress, but I will miss her. When Webber shows Alex the article Alex sticks up for Mer and takes her side. Alex is always on Mer’s side not matter what. I love that about him. That’s real friendship right there. The trauma cases in this episode are both horrifying and hilarious at the same time in true Grey’s fashion. The case where a man fell out of a plan onto a random university student and dowsed her boyfriend in blood in particular was really really bizarre! Her poor boyfriend! He is going to need so much therapy after this!

Somehow Bailey names DeLuca Chief Resident after the previous one quits after the article comes out. How is DeLuca Chief Resident? He can barely do his job! Plus, Bailey won’t even listen to him as he tries to tell her the real story! Shaking my head. Bailey was a annoying this season and is being a real jerk this season. She’s getting really hard to like. Also DeLuca’s character continues to be extremely inconsistent. It seems like they just write whatever they want to fit the moment regardless of whether that makes sense or not.

Tom is a complete ass this episode and he went way way too far! I loved his character last season and was super excited when he was made a regular. Now I don’t like him at all. He’s a jerk with no depth. Having his heartbroken has really done a number on this guy! Not that his behaviour is Teddy’s fault mind you he’s choosing to be a jerk. This storyline also seems odd considering Tom is a father, lost his child, and was excited to be Allison’s step dad. Why is he okay torturing this kid and her family for publicity?

I loved that they included Cristina in this episode and showed her and Mer texting! ‘Move to Switzerland before Bailey kills you in your sleep!’ Haha too funny! And she’s right too! It’s nice to see Amelia happy and healthy and to see her, Maggie, and Mer getting along and supporting each other even when they don’t agree. I missed that last season. It’s also nice to see Maggie and Teddy getting along.

And DeLuca’s back to being an ass! He yells at Schmitt for taking a phone call while meanwhile he himself has done tons of illegal and immoral things that were so much worse and completely unjustified. On top of that, Schmitt isn’t doing anything wrong. He’s convincing a patient whose a family member of his to not cancel their surgery. That’s a good thing and good for the hospital. What is DeLuca worried about her exactly? It’s not as if there are reports or people taking pictures of their actions.

The scene with Ben and Bailey made me laugh. Poor Ben! He didn’t know what to do! What he prepped for was not what he got! Also of note, Helm is still infatuated with Meredith. She really needs to let that go! I loved Jackson’s line, “Added bonus!” He really got the best lines in this episode. I also loved his line, “I am the Foundation.” Tell him Jackson!

I was really sad when they lost the freak accident patient. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. Her poor boyfriend. The book the boyfriend talks about at the end appears to be a reference to the best selling novel The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It’s an excellent book and I highly recommend it.

I loved all of the Link and Amelia scenes! They are hands down my favourite new couple. As Maggie and Amelia comment they are really well matched. Amelia is very high strung and anxious and Link is very calm and sturdy and thus he can calm her down and she can help him see the serious side of things without being such a complete downer. Amelia’s relationship with Owen was always rocky in part because they are both very high strung, damaged, and mentally unwell people.

Link is mentally stable and very relaxed. He’s perfect for Amelia in so many ways. And now that Amelia is finally on the path to wellness and can acknowledge what has happened to her they work! I loved their whole gravity blanket scene. It was so cute! I loved Link’s confession that he loves her and that he wants to tell her and name the feeling because people can fall out of the sky (literally) and accidentally hurt other people so there’s no point trying to avoid pain. Be still my heart!

Towards the end of the episode Alex recruits Owen and thus begins the great Pac North migration! The song cover they use in Jackson’s surgery is really interesting! I’m glad Mer apologized to Bailey, but the question is will it be enough? I’m glad she tried. I liked Owen’s line, “Your high horse has no legs to stand on!” LOL! We find out at the end of the episode the most shocking piece of news yet. That Bailey is both menopausal and pregnant. WTF?!?! What the hell? What is with the pregnancies this season!?!?! I really don’t know what to make of this storyline.

So let’s talk about my favourite part of the episode! It came right at the end when Meredith ran into DeLuca as she was leaving the hospital. She explained what was going on and DeLuca was a completely unsupportive dick head to her and she finally realized that not only does she not need anymore enemies right now SHE DOES NOT NEED THIS CRAP!!! And I was like FUCK YES!!!!!! You’re damn right she doesn’t! Meredith does not need this crap! From anyone! One of my biggest complaints about Derek was how unsupportive and melodramatic he was. And here we have DeLuca doing the exact same thing!

She also realized (finally) that DeLuca doesn’t really know her or get her which has been an issue from the beginning. He likes the idea of Meredith not the reality. The reality is messy and complicated and comes with a lot of baggage which includes kids, a dead husband, nosy sisters, a best friend that hates him, and a big family of people who are largely indifferent to his existence. For the love of God, let this be the breakup!!!! Let this be the end! Please!

Onto next week! It looks like Bailey tries to break the news to Ben, but he’s out cold! And Meredith FINALLY verbalizes what we’ve all been saying about DeLuca!!! Thank goodness! Amelia realizes she’s needs to get to know Link and his family better and Richard and Gemma have breakfast and things get intimate! Oh boy!

Until next time!

[calzona-ga]

Jessica Capshaw, who plays doctor Arizona Robbins at the fictional Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, says starring on Grey’s Anatomy has changed her life. She’s loved playing a lesbian onscreen but had no idea what her story arc would be when she first signed on as a guest star.

“[Shonda Rhimes] called me into her office and she was really direct. She was like, ‘I want you to stay for another episode, and in the next episode, you’re going to kiss Callie,’” Capshaw tells Yahoo Style, referring to her former onscreen partner played by Sara Ramirez. ‘I’m game to try stuff. So I was like, ‘Yeah. OK!‘”

Eight seasons later, the actress is a mainstay on the medical drama. Her “go with the flow” attitude has taken her character through all sorts of crazy plotlines including the loss of a leg and a recent divorce, which has opened the door for Rhimes to toss another curveball Capshaw’s way: having her heat things up on creen with her real-life friend Marika Dominczyk.

“It was definitely one of those moments when you were like, ‘I’m going to kiss my friend.’ That’s going to happen,” she says, with a laugh.

When she’s not saving infants onscreen, Capshaw is busy parenting her tribe of four. And while she, like many working moms, is juggling a career, family, and personal life, she is quick to proclaim that the idea of work-life balance is a fantasy. Here’s more from this outspoken actress.

What do you love about playing Arizona? There’s a lot of loss that transcends in themes with Arizona but I think this season gets to be more about finding what she loves and getting to be in a relationship that’s a little irreverent, to get to be chased by someone. She gets to feel the newness of being in a relationship that is physical that is not her ex. And that’s been really fun to play this season. It’s been nice and new and fresh.

Arizona was with Callie for so long. Is it fun to get to play the field now? It is! This year, my love interest is played by Marika Dominczyk. I’ve known her for quite a while, and she’s a good friend of mine — and married to Scott Foley, who is also a friend of mine. It’s a very interesting negotiation, but we had fun. We laughed a lot. And our husbands have definitely had a laugh or two over it.

Do you feel honored to be able to help fight for equality by portraying this character on a weekly basis? And to eventually teach that lesson to your kids? I never would have imagined that I would be able to play a character that would feel like it does so much good, whether it’s people who feel like the character resonates with them and it makes their day a little easier to see themselves represented. Or if it’s someone watching it who has someone in their life who is gay and they might have not understood it before and all of a sudden, they have another person or another thing to point to and say, ‘Oh that’s a different context.’ Being able to play a lesbian as a series regular on television has been enormously rewarding.

My daughter goes to preschool, and the preschool has all kinds of families. And I guess one of the kids said, ‘You have to have a mom and a dad to have a baby.’ And my daughter said, ‘No. No you don’t.’ And this was all overheard and told to me later. She said, in a very kind and patient way to that child, ‘There can be a mom and a mom and a dad and a mom and there can be a dad and a dad.’ I am so grateful that she will never know any different, and it will only be if she is in the presence of people who are on the wrong side of history or small-minded that she will hear anything other than that. I feel grateful to have her living in a family that will put her out into the world as someone who understands the world a little bit.

You work long hours on the show but have four kids and a husband at home. How do you do it all? My schedule is incredibly all over the place. A lot of people, especially who are working moms, say it’s all about balance and trying to create a balance, and I respectfully disagree. I don’t know that any part of my day is ever balanced. I don’t spend equal parts being mom or being a worker, being a wife, being an advocate, being a humanitarian, whatever it is that I am endeavoring to be.

I constantly have to make sacrifices. With four kids, there are going to be that many holiday performances and there are going to be spring performances and field trips and muffin mom. So there is tons of stuff that is there for the doing, and I pick and choose what I can. I find in my own life as a mom, that I always try to pick the things that I actually enjoy because I think my kids see that in me. I have a crazy schedule, and sometimes it works for me to be able to do the thing that I said I was going to do, and sometimes it doesn’t. So you sacrifice sometimes being able to go to the thing or pick up the child. I had much more stringent and very inflexible ideas of what I thought it meant to be a great mom when I first started.

I remember thinking that there was just no way in the world that my kid would ever have a doctor’s appointment that I wouldn’t be there for. But when you’re just starting out, you think things should be one way and you’re humbled that it takes a village. And there will be times when your kid is sick and they need to go to the doctor and you’re not going to be there. But thank God they are still going to the doctor. It’s just so unrealistic to think that we can do it all.

Your youngest is 1. Has it been exciting to return to your pre-pregnancy style? I never wore maternity clothes, except for a couple of pairs of — yes, it’s true — jean shorts that I wore where I swear the inseam was like half an inch. It was embarrassing. I like myself a pair of jean shorts. I just did a recent purging of my closet, and I’m not gonna lie, there were probably five to six one-inch if not half-inch inseam denim shorts that had to go. I really felt like maybe it was time. Maybe they have just run their course in my life.

Once I had kids, I definitely did start to realize how I’d like to dress that feels comfortable and at the same time it feels current and it feels stylish and you feel like it has an attitude or an opinion. And sometimes you are in your workout clothes until 4 in the afternoon.

Fashion-wise, what are you into these days? I find that for me, in the summer especially, it’s all about dresses. It’s one stop. You put on your great dress and some sandals. I love almost the entire Ulla Johnson line. They are great dresses; they are easy to put on. I also love finding sandals that go with everything and then finding a pair that have a ton of color that I’m excited to pair with something. I stick with blues quite a lot — light blue, dark blue. Besides blue as a color, I tend to say in the neutrals and the nudes, the creams, and the whites and the golds. I love a button-down shirt. I love a great pair of jeans. And I love a heel. I loved when the block heels came back in. It was so great because they are so much more comfortable, especially when you have four kids.

I have some fellow-mom fashionistas. My friend Marliene Rentmeester has a blog called Le Catch. I get the little newsletter every day, and it’s always got something fun in it at every price point. Unless it’s very ephemeral and very inexpensive, I think at this point in my life, I’m all about the classics. What do you love that you’re going to love for a very long time?

What’s your stance on scrubs? I count myself among the lucky that I get to go to work in my pajamas. It takes me like 14 seconds to get into my outfit.

Has it been fun dressing your kids? I kind of live for it. I have a little bit of a problem! And on any given day, probably any of my children are dressed better than I am. They go through their clothes so fast, but I do have to say, I stretch it out.

How did they hide your baby bumps on set? During the tenure of my time on the show, we went from having real x-rays and real clipboards to having iPads. I used to carry the pads and the x-rays and it would be right in front of my stomach, or I would stand behind desks and that kind of worked. Then the Microsoft pads came out and I was like, ‘I have less room to hide!’ So they had to play with camera angles. But I think if anybody looks at the past couple of seasons, you’ll definitely see when I’m pregnant and when I’m not! Debbie Allen directed an episode one time where she actually used an entire ambulance to hide my pregnant body. Everyone got a very good chuckle out of the fact that it took and entire ambulance to cover me. I was like, ‘Guys I’m not that big!’

I’ve heard that Shonda Rhimes is a huge advocate for working moms. She is amazing. She understands that every mom is going to need something different. And what she’s been so great about is she goes to the person and says, ‘What do you want? What do you need? What would make this transition and being a mom good for you in this way?’ She’s a godsend, and she’s in the earned position where she has quite a bit of power and she commands attention and understanding from people. And she’s able to say “This needs to be looked at” to the powers that be that might not have been keen on expanding options for maternity leave and childcare. And I think that’s an incredible thing.

Do your kids visit you on set? I do believe that sets are a workplace and you have a ton of adults, you have a ton of equipment, you have a lot of dust. You have people that are frustrated, people that are joyful. And I’m the worst, by the way. I don’t know how it’s possible but I never cuss at home. I get to work and I cuss like a sailor. And you’ve got words going around. So I am always like, “The set it not a place for kids.” But we all have kids come and visit in our trailer, and I feel like when we are on location, kids always come visit because it’s a park or a building and that’s fun.

Do your kids realize their mom is a big TV star? People come up and they’ll say something or they’ll ask for a picture and my kids think it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever seen. They just think it’s hysterical! They don’t understand it.

Your mom was an actress. What did she teach you about navigating Hollywood as a woman? I think the greatest gift that my mom gave me was that I never saw myself as less than because I was a woman. I never thought — and naively so — that I’d have to give up more or I couldn’t do as much or I couldn’t get as much. She has such a strong character and incredible conviction, and she’s done so much and she’s accomplished so much and she’s just traveled so far. I think you have to take it one step at a time. If you find out there is a guy getting paid more than you and you do the same job, then you pick that fight. But it can’t be about everything all the time, at least not in that moment. I think then people get overwhelmed and they lose sight of what they are actually fighting for. I think it’s very important to be organized in your call to action in order to understand what it is that you want to accomplish before you go out there with arms swinging.