#because my dad never really saw his dad’s anger issues as ‘that bad’ or ‘much of a problem’

[reflectionsofgalaxies]

been validated in my (poor?) decisions TWICE today and i’m feeling vindicated if also mildly conflicted

[pablitogavii]

Fight

Summary: You and Pablo get into a fight and he leaves the apartment. You think he doesn't want you anymore starting to pack your bags but he shows you that a real man never gives up on a woman he loves <3

Pairing: Pablo Gavi x Reader

Warnings: slight angsts/ fluff at the end <3

"You're not listening to me!" you yelled overwhelmed by anger and frustration and Pablo kept clenching his jaw doing his best not to be so 'hot headed' like everyone claims he is being.

"I'm done listening to you!" he spat grabbing his jacket and leaving the apartment with a loud slam of the door which sobered you up.

He left. It was over. He doesn't want you anymore.

Your whole life people left and didn't come back. You were used to it from your dad, to your best friend but when Pablo left it hurt..it hurt really damn bad!

You knew you had trust issues, with a good reason, but with Pablo for the first time you could trust a man and feel like he will always be there to protect you...guess you were wrong, and you were alone once again.

Tears were drowning your face while you sat in the corner for half an hour crying until there was no more tears left to cry so you got up walking to your shared bedroom.

You pulled your suitcase from the closet opening it on the bed while sighing heavily. You messed it up again..like always you pushed people away from yourself.

You were packed in about an hour but couldn't get yourself to leave looking around the place that quickly became your home. There were pictures of you and Pablo all around the apartment, form the first date at that silly ice cream shop to the most recent one during the celebration dinner with barça..you looked happier than ever before in your life in those photos besides Pablo.

"Amor! We forgot to put the trash outside for the truck to pick.." Pablo stopped speaking suddenly freezing in place when he saw you standing there with a suitcase besides you holding one of the pictures.

"What's going on? Are you going on a trip amor?"Pablo looked confused and now you were as well. Didn't he want you to leave his apartment? Why did he come back??

"I'm going to leave your apartment because you don't want this anymore.." you said and now he was much more confused walking towards you and holding on of your hands in his bigger one.

"What!? When did I say that?" he said kissing your hand looking into your eyes and your heart started to speed up when you realized that this might not be over after all.

"You left..but..but you came back? Why?" you said not able to control the tears and he sighed pulling you closer to his chest and letting you cry into his shirt for as long as you needed.

"Oh mi amor..I just went to get some air but of course i came back..what did you think that I was going to give up on my soulmate that easily?? Not a chance preciosa!" those words were foreign but it felt so good that someone was fighting for you for the first time in your life.

"So..so..you are not going to leave?" you asked once again like you needed to make sure this was indeed happening being strange to your and he smiled shaking his head and pulling you into a tight hug.

"I'm not going anywhere mi preciosa.." he said kissing the top of your head and you smiled listening to his heart beat and calming yourself down while the small smile creeped onto your face.

"Is my princesa smiling..bueno..that's a lot better! Come to your Pablito" he pulled you onto the couch away from the suitcase and you snuggled into his side quickly taking in the scent of his familiar musk that made you feel safe.

"You hate when someone calls you Pablito.." you remind him and he chuckled kissing the top of your head pulling you even closer.

"You can call me whatever you like princesa..only you" he said and that made you smile looking up as he placed his lips onto yours into a sweet kiss.

"Nobody ever came back like you did..I thought you didn't want me anymore" you admit after you pulled away and he shook his head reassuring you that's so far from the truth.

"I will always come back preciosa..because I was raised that when a man loves a woman, he never gives up..never! And I love you..so damn much even when you drive me loco!" he said smiling while tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear while you blushed.

"I'm sorry.." you said truthfully forgetting what that damn fight was even about realizing just how stupid it all was.

"Shh I only let you drive me loco mi amor.." he said kissing your lips again and you kissed his back snaking your arms around his neck as he pulled you to straddle his lap and cuddle into him close.

"I'm not your dad...and I'm not that dick best friend that left..I'm your Pablito and I will never hurt you like that" he said and you smiled nodding your head and knowing in your heart that he was telling the truth.

"I love you Pablito.." you say while playing with his hair and he smiled letting you enjoy it for as long as you want knowing that could always bring a smile back to your face (I mean imagine playing with Pablo's hair!!!).

"I love you too mi amor..but really what were we fighting about again?" he said and you both started laughing realizing that neither knew what the hell fight was about.

"I don't know..let me go so I can make us some dinner" you said but he kept you on his lap starting to kiss the side of your neck.

"Gavira! There are still things to do! And all you think about is.." but you couldn't finish since he kissed your lips passionately making you giggle.

"Reminding my girl that she is mine for life? Damn right amor!" he said getting up and carrying you into your shared bedroom ;))

Hope you like :)

[captain-mj]

Trials of Change

Ghost overhears Soap and a couple of recruits complaining about him and decides maybe he does need to be fixed.

Ghost had never been happier honestly. Really. He and Soap had been dating for… two months, four days and, he checked the time, six glorious hours. 

Maybe that happiness made him blind. Foolish or even just stuipd. 

Ghost slipped into the room where the other people were. It wasn’t on purpose that he was undetectable. His natural state of being was… well… Ghost. 

So he heard the conversation.

Price hummed. “How’s it going with him?”

Soap smiled. “Oh, he’s great.”

“Is he planning on wearing the mask less?” 

Ghost internally winced. He understood Price was just asking out of concern. Price was one of the first people to understand that Ghost and Simon were both different people and the exact same. 

Soap shrugged. “Don’t know. I wish he would.” 

Ghost knew that was true so he didn’t mind it, but he decided to wait a second and not announce his presence. He just sat back to listen. 

“Thank God.” One of the rookies piped up. Ghost tensed and glared at them, though they couldn’t feel it unfortunately. “Tired of him walking around all scary. We were all hoping he’d get better when you guys started dating.” 

Ghost didn’t understand.

Better? What did they mean better? He was happier. Wasn’t that enough?

Soap looked rueful. “Yeah. I’d like that too. He spooks me sometimes.” 

Ghost felt his heart just drop. He was sure if he strained he could hear the sound of it snapping. Ice shards being sent off everywhere. After a moment, he decided to stay where he was. Safe and sound. 

As everyone seemed to list off his transgressions. 

Did they know he was there and deciding to mess with him? It was right up Soap’s alley, but the rookies usually feared him enough to stay quiet. He doubted they would pick up on what was going on fast enough. 

“Please make him wear something with color.”

Soap shrugged. “His closet is nothing but black.”

“Tell him to put something besides his music on.”

Soap rebutted that one too. “He hates my music and you guys don’t get a vote.” 

Then the complaints came a bit faster. 

“Make him actually talk to people.” 

“And stop hiding in his room. It’s a bit creepy at this point.”

“Also why can’t he ever make friends on base?”

“Anger issues. He’s constantly getting pissed for no reason.”

“Please make him take off the mask.” 

“And stop staring.” 

“And also please stop letting him out at night.”

“Why are you breaking curfew to see him out at night?” Soap remarked, crossing his arms. The recruits cringed and quickly found something interesting in the room to stare at. That’s when Ghost made his escape. 

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew people wanted him to change. Always something off putting. It had been like that since he started wearing long sleeves at all time to hide bruises and sleeping through class because his dad kept him awake all night. 

But this was new. Did Soap want him to change?

Of course he did. 

“Better” 

What did better mean?

Soap had been asking him questions lately. Simple things. How was your day? How are you feeling? What do you feel like doing? And Ghost would answer honestly. The bad days had definitely decreased. Ghost enjoyed being around the 141 more. He thought he had been talking more. Just to the 141, Alex, Farah, Alejandro and Rodolfo, but really who else did he need? They all saw him as he was and he thought that was enough. 

Apparently not. 

Apparently that was not better.

Well, he had a list of things that he could be better at now. Ghost felt stupid. A silly teen trying to keep their boyfriend around. 

For a moment, he thought of forgetting this conversation happened. Of taking what Soap would give him and waiting to be abandoned when Soap realized that Ghost was incapable of being what he wanted. But already, he knew this would poison everything. Anytime Soap put his scarf around Ghost because he ran so much colder than his angry Scott or when he asked him to take his mask off when they were alone or every time he introduced him to someone new, he’d wonder if it was somehow a way to change him. 

Could he just break up with him? It was the smartest and easiest thing. Shove Soap out of his life and stay exactly where he is. But that meant not having Soap. No more late night tea trips with someone by his side. He’d no longer be there to put hickeys on his neck that he’d grumble about and then secretly like. All the jokes and stolen clothes and the touch. He had forgotten how nice it was to have someone touch him. To put his head on someone’s chest (he hated weight on him because it reminded him of the dirt from the coffin) and hear their heartbeat. Nice and steady and sweet. 

Fuck, Ghost couldn’t give that up. He’d also never be able to drink enough of it in to get his fill. So he’d have to be… better. 

Maybe he could start small. It was silly, but color was probably the easiest. Wear something besides black. 

He didn’t own anything not black. 

Fucking hell. 

Ghost took a deep breath. Maybe he could start with… music? When did they even play music? During exfil occasionally if Nik was driving? But he didn’t have a mission with Soap for the next few weeks so he could see it regardless. 

Anger issues? Yeah, Ghost had them but he didn’t think he ever blew up for no reason. Maybe his reactions were occasionally over the top, but he never hit anyone. Never hit objects near them to show he could either. His last meltdown was months ago and he had, with shockingly no protest but still with a very hurt pride, apologized to the person.

Goddamnit, he just needed a starting place. That’s all. So color it fucking was. 

Ghost went to Gaz, hesitant and nervous, but he was the only person he could really ask about this without it being suspicious since he wasn’t there. 

“Hey, Garrick.”

Gaz looked up from what he was reading. “Riley!” He liked that about Gaz. When he had first referred to him as Kyle, Gaz had called him Simon. If he used his rank, Gaz responded with his rank. Ghost had learned to stick to last name or callsign with him. They felt more like equals than most of the other people on base. 

“Can you help me with something?”

Gaz sat up. “A mission?”

“Where can I get… clothing?”

Gaz paused. “You… The Ghost… want me to help you with shopping?”

Ghost nodded awkwardly. “Yeah… Can we go… shopping?”

Gaz slowly stood up. “Why?”

“I’m going to try changing my style.”

“Why?” 

“Just… want to try something… different?”

Gaz frowned and Simon remembered why he didn’t usually go to Gaz for assistance. They could see straight through him. Every time. “You want to try something… different? Why? You’ve never changed in the years I’ve known you.”

Ghost just shrugged awkwardly. 

“Alright. Let’s go.” Gaz stood up and pulled his shoes on. “What are you searching for?”

“Something with… color?” 

Gaz frowned but obliged. He couldn’t bring Ghost to a mall, worried the people would get him worked up. So instead, he brought him to a strip of stores and picked the most abandoned one. Gaz didn’t really do much, having a feeling he was more playing moral support for whatever breakdown this was. It wasn’t… completely uncommon for Ghost to get the urge to do things. Almost like a mania. However it was never something as simple as this. 

He gave Ghost’s a thumbs up when the man grabbed a blue hoodie. Dark blue, so still in theme. Then he grabbed a camo green and ruby red. Nothing but hoodies. 

“You going to stick with your normal dark color scheme?” It was a genuine question from Gaz, who was worried about him. Also, depending the answer, it would be easier to help him find things. 

Ghost wondered if this was… different enough. “Can you pick something that… isn’t?”

Gaz tilted his head and looked around. He found a polo shirt in a softer green color. “Do you want to try it on before buying it? Make sure you’re comfortable.”

Ghost bounced between his feet, debating. “Yeah.” He found a dressing room and slowly slipped off his black hoodie. The mirror was there. His arm tattoos covered the scars there, but he still felt nervous. 

Now his shirt. 

Just… take off the shirt. 

Take it off. 

Ghost pulled it over his head in a rush but he still caught himself in the stupid mirror. 

Ugly scarring. 

Did Soap not like those? Ghost had tried things to make them fade. Balms and creams and keeping them clean. They were still there. Dark, thick lines. Giant pieces of flesh that were marred for one reason or another. 

What if Soap hated those too? Ghost certainly did. It’s why he stayed covered up. 

He pulled the new shirt on and didn’t look at himself. The fabric was… fine. Not the best, but fine. The color looked weird against his pale skin. 

This was stupid. Again, the feeling of being a teen girl appeared. Was this childish? Of course it was. 

He bought the clothing anyway, even though it made his skin crawl. 

Gaz smiled at him once they were back in the car. “I’m proud of you.”

Ghost nodded. “Thanks, Gaz.”

“No problem, Ghost.”

Ghost grabbed food and hid in his room to eat. He perched on his desk. 

Soap arrived moments later and smiled, sitting on Ghost’s desk chair so they were right next to each other. “Hey, haven’t seen you today.”

“Went out.”

“You went out? By yourself?” Soap sounded so shocked. 

Ghost shrugged. “I had Gaz with me.”

“That’s nice! I’m glad you’re doing that.” Soap smiled at him. “Have fun?”

Ghost thought about it. Honestly, when he wasn’t focused on what they were doing, it wasn’t too bad. Hanging out with Gaz, even if they didn’t really talk much, was pretty fun. 

“Get anything?”

“More hoodies since you keep stealing mine.”

Soap smiled. “Hell yeah. It’s not my fault you have better taste in hoodies. They’re always so soft and big and smell like you.”

“They’re big because they’re meant to fit me.”

Soap leaned up and kissed his cheek. After having to deal with the people at the store, Soap’s presence was honestly a bit of a balm to his frayed nerves. 

Until he thought of why he had gone out. 

“Are you content with me?”

Soap paused, looking a bit confused. “Simon, I’m happy with you. Why do you ask?”

“Nothing. Just wondering.”

Johnny hummed. “Take your mask off for me.”

Simon did. He wanted to be what Johnny expected. To change how he was supposed to. Callused fingers ran over his cheekbones. Touching his jaw. 

“Beautiful.”

Wrong. 

“Did something happen?” Soap was too perceptive. 

“No.” 

Soap frowned and leaned up, kissing him more. “Alright. Ye won’t talk to me. I won’t push ya.” He cupped his face. “Just talk to me when you’re ready then.” 

Ghost frowned. “Nothing wrong. But I will if anything comes up.”

Soap smiled. “All I ask.” 

The next time they were in the car, Ghost put on some pop music. It wasn’t what he’d normally listen to. It was just a random list of the top 100 hits. Soap noticed and looked at him oddly. “Where’s your normal rock music?” 

Ghost normally made a radio each time they were going to do something together. All of it heavy rock music or metalcore. That was… bad though. Price called it his angry mix and he was trying to not do that. Not to be like that.

Be different. 

“Wanted to change it up?” It came out too much like a question. 

Soap frowned. He liked all types of music just fine, but Ghost didn’t. Ghost was predictable. Ghost only “Changed it up” when on leave when he listened to classical music. A fact only Soap got to know.

“You’re acting different.”  

Ghost shrugged and focused on driving. The other guys seemed on edge now Something was clearly off about him now. It made everyone nervous. 

It was exacerbated when Ghost wore colors at the next taskforce meeting. Even Gaz, who had been there when he bought it, looked very uncomfortable when he wore a soft shade of red hoodie and medical mask instead of his balaclava. They all kept glancing over and… looking confused. 

Ghost looked at Soap. He ignored that his skin prickled at the attention and the change. That the fabric was itchy against his skin. Or that being so exposed made him want to die right there. None of that quite mattered as much as Soap’s expression. He didn’t look pleased at all. No excitement that Ghost tried to be different. Just… a strange look. 

Ghost felt sick. He felt nauseous. 

Soap cornered him after the meeting and took him to his bedroom. 

Ghost felt like a kid, just sitting on his bed as Soap stared at him. 

“I was just trying to be what you wanted.” Simon admitted, yanking the hoodie off. “I heard you and the recruits complaining about me. I just… wanted you to like me.”

Johnny paused and softened. “Simon. I’m sorry. I was letting them complain because you’re their boss. Which I shouldn’t have. Gotta so caught up in you being Ghost, my Lt, I let them disrespect Simon, my boyfriend.” He sank down, getting on his knees in front of him. “All of this… Making yourself so uncomfortable and forcing yourself to change… You tried to do for me?”

Ghost winced. “It’s pathetic. I know. Just…”

Johnny laughed and pulled the medical mask down to kiss him. “Mo chroí. It’s not pathetic. I’m so sorry. If I had known, I would’ve cleared it up for you.” He kissed him a few more times. “I love your angry music and your dark clothing and the fact you only casually show your face to me. And I wouldn’t change you for the world.”

Simon relaxed a little. “Keep going.”

Johnny laughed. “Alright. I like that you’re mean to recruits because you want them to toughen up. You don’t listen when anyone suggests anything because you know you’re going to ignore it and I find it fun. Especially because you listen to me. I like that you’re a little pretentious about your music and that I get to wear your black hoodies. That you have two pairs of pants and that’s all you wear. On leave, I love that you wear a ton of rings. That you’re grouchy in the mornings even though you get up at 5 am when working. I love you, Simon.”

Simon pulled them back so they were laying in bed and Soap continued without a beat. “I love that you wake up at 2 am and make you tea and me a cup of coffee. Love that you sneak into my room all the time and that you steal the blankets. I-”

Simon kissed him. “Alright. You can stop now. I get it.”

“I can keep going. Anytime you want me to.” Johnny promised. “Also, I tore into them later. I wanted you to know. Made fun of all of them.”

Simon laughed and relaxed more into the bed, feeling Johnny pepper kisses on him. “Love you too.” 

[charlotteking23]

Hi I’ve recently gotten back into divergent so my Eric obsession has surfaced yet again😂

I’m also new to tumblr so I’m not sure if I’m doing this request thing right, so my apologies if it’s too much

I really enjoyed your head canon on Eric and was wondering if you could do another one maybe more geared towards him as a husband and father maybe some years down the road. I could see him having learned some self control when it comes to his anger issues. Maybe becoming a girl dad becoming a big softy which would be adorable, but still maintaining his asshole reputation somehow.

If you get a chance to write this I’d really appreciate it!! Thank you

Eric proposed to you after a year of dating. You told Eric beforehand you wanted to be proposed too, Why? There's no point in me proposing to you, you are already mine, Eric said rubbing his face annoyed. YOU WILL PROPOSE TO ME!! You screamed while hitting him.

You worked as a nurse so when the symptoms of throwing up, weird cravings, mood swings, and your period being late you knew you were pregnant. For precaution, you took a test confirming your suspicion, and you ran to tell Eric being overjoyed. What is it, honey? Eric said wrapping his arms around you. I'M PREGNANT! You Shouted waiting to see his reaction only to be met with silence, Babe are you okay? Eric looked at you and immediately spun you around in his arms with your legs wrapped around his torso.

Eric was extremely protective of you. He carried you down the flight of stairs because of the no railings, or you used the elevator. He made sure you ate a lot no matter how unhealthy it was, so a lot of chocolate cake. If anyone bumped into you or harmed you in any way whether emotionally or physically he kick their ass.

He was obsessed with the baby, and after the couple found out it was a baby girl, he was ecstatic wanting to spoil the little girl. She is so gonna be a daddy's girl, Eric said rubbing your stomach. How do you know? you said. Because She's my daughter, Eric said in an obvious tone.

Truth be told she was a daddy's girl, after she was born she only wanted her daddy. He was the only one that could make her go to sleep, so... Why do I have to go, it's your turn, Eric said still in bed rubbing his eyes tiredly with the baby crying in the background. Because She's a daddy girl, you said while putting the covers over your face feeling Eric get up.

At the age of 5, your daughter was handling knives and guns but was spoiled so much by her father that she favored him over you. You told Eric it wasn't a good idea to train her yet because she was so young but he did anyway, only the basics though. For her 6 birthday, she was given a pink knife and gun engraved was princess, ironic.

your daughter screamed and panicked whenever Eric was not there. She threw tantrums over the smallest things it was getting out of control, so you stepped your foot down. You told her that you were the mother and she had to obey your rules, She was not happy and yelled at you. Eric finally saw how his little princess was getting too spoiled... Princess Stop! Eric said with a firm voice, he realized how bad our daughter treated you and was not having it. [d/n] You can't disrespect your mother like that, Eric took away her guns and knives and had her apologize to you. You knew she was a daddy's girl but she was still your daughter and you weren't going to allow her to treat you like that. You forgave her but she was still grounded for 2 weeks.

By age 12 your daughter was maturing growing so beautiful with her long hair and beautiful blue eyes like Eric's. Eric was still an asshole to people but never to his family, he often compared his daughter to the initiates. Watch how my daughter throws the knives better than you pieces of shit, glancing at his daughter. She threw it perfectly right in the middle, the initiates looked at the little girl in surprise with a proud look from both her and her father. I want everyone to run and you won't stop till I say so...GO, Eric said firmly wanting to gouge his eyes out if he saw another initiate.

By the time your daughter was 16, Eric had moved up the ranks to head leader of Dauntless. Your daughter ended up staying in Dauntless excelling in training and becoming first overall in all her rankings only having 7 fears.

Eric was not happy, his princess had a boyfriend, and he had a reputation for scaring any boys who came close to his little girl. Oh, so you think you're good enough for my princess huh, Eric walked around the boy, giving him a fright. All-l do r-respect s-ir, the boy said shitting himself, Why are you stuttering, can't you speak right boy, Eric said leaning on his side while crossing his arms showing off his muscular arms. Daddy stop you are scaring him, His princess told him but he ignored her. Princess, why don't you give the boys some time to talk, his princess obliged leaving the men to talk. Can I get... before she could finish she saw her boyfriend leaving with tears streaming down his face. Look, we are breaking up bye, he left in such a hurry. She knew her father did this and ordered 3 shots of vodka, she was going to need it.

In the end, Your daughter was able to find someone who understood her and treated her like a princess. Eric approved of the boy for his daughter, 2 years after they dated he proposed to your daughter. you and your daughter went wedding dress shopping, planning the big invite list, etc. The wedding was extravagant and beautiful and you couldn't stop crying seeing Eric walk your daughter down the aisle and [d/n] saying I Do. You recall the memories that led up to this moment, you meeting Eric, the wedding, your daughter, the choosing ceremony, her wedding it was amazing with your family right by your side.

BTW yes Eric cried at the wedding. I am telling you, sweetie I am not gonna cry... 5 minutes later, Eric wiping his tears with a napkin. Not gonna cry right, you said with your arms crossed on your chest. SHHHH, the wedding starting, and my eyes are just leaking water.

[fennecfiree]

SO MANY HEADCANONS.

(copy and pasting some of my older posts btw)

ALSO! Ask me any of my other headcanons with the ask feature thingy, for example, creek hcs, clyde hcs, or anything like that. ill answer!

Stan: Blue eyes, short black greasy hair ( he never washes his frickin hair ) he has some acne, he's the 2nd tallest in the main 4, he's thin, has earrings, he has a slipknot pin on his hat, and has some eye bags because he never sleeps 😱 he's bisexual ( girl pref ) and Demi boy. He has autism, and asthma. special interest is bored games, he listens to Slipknot, MCR, deftones, Korn, his fav song is Duality. his fav food is m&ms, his fav video game is Roblox, he also plays RimWorld, terrified of snakes, his fav shows are Stranger things, The simpsons, Spongebob, and Rick and morty, cares more for animals than most people, gets annoyed when people talk to much. His phone is full of pictures of Sparky. whenever he's home alone he chugs some of Randy's beer 😭 his phone is always on do not disturb. still keeps in touch with the goth kids. he's very close with Tolkien, which Kyle got mad about since Stan was jealous when Kyle was making tiktoks with Tolkien. he gets B-. Loves horror games and movies and forces kyle to play them with him, paints his nails black. asks for a cat every Christmas, has a Bart Simpson sad pfp ( you know those.. ) really into creepy pastas. he watched TheOddOnesOut, and SomethingElseYT

Kyle: he has olive eyes, really curly short ginger hair, he has braces, and a bigger nose, he's pretty pale and has freckles, the shortest out of the 4, and he's chubby. he's bisexual and asexual ( he ofc found out when he's older ). he has type 1 diabetes (and is really embarrassed about it). anxiety, autism ( his special interest is ocean creatures ) and bad anger issues. he listens to AJR, Green day, The cure, Weezer, The offspring. his fav song is Pretty fly for a white guy. his fav food is stew, and and he drinks monster sometimes. His fav game is Minecraft and Fnaf 1. He's a giant germaphobe, he washes his hands after every time he goes somewhere. he's also scared of gore. he watches Gravity Falls, BfDI. Spongebob, Him and Ike watch Yo gabba gabba together 😭😭 He cant watch horror movies, and cant play scary games. He talks A LOT. He has a handsanitizer bottle on his desk. His favorite holiday is Halloween, he gets A+ most of the time, but sometimes he gets A-. he spends 2 hours doing his hair, he studies really hard, and gets furious if someone else in class gets a higher grade ( its usually Wendy ) he try's to draw good, and thinks he does, but its very poorly drawn cartoon drawings with detailed eyes. he try's to straighten his hair but it just looks very weird, and it made him sad 😓HIM AND STAN WATCH SPONGEBOB TOGETHER AND THEY LOAD UP ON EVERYSINGLE SNACK. he's insecure about his looks. he looks up to his dad a lot, he cry's when his teachers don't respond to him putting up his hand 😭. doesn't notice when he's raising his voice. sleeps with his orca whale plushie 😎 He watches Markiplier, Flamingo, and LS Mark.

Cartman: 1 brown eye, 1 blue eye, short light brown messy hair, he has long eyelashes and some acne, he has a tooth gap, he's the tallest of the 4, and ofc he's a fatass 😭 he's gay, lactose intolerant and has heterochromia (left is brown, right is blue) He listens to Lady gaga, Britney spears, Taylor swift. and his fav song is Poker face. His fav food is Cheesy Poofs, and Pancakes. His fav game is Happy wheels and People playground. he has Trypanophobia. He watches Saw, The Human Centipede, and Happy tree friends. when he plays Minecraft with people he refuses to share a house with someone cuz it's gay, he scams kids in Roblox adopt me. Him and Shelly play smash or pass together with celebrities 😭 he has a Instagram account for Mr Kitty. He's an iPad kid 🤪🤪🤪🤪 goes on Omegle (let's pretend it's still up) and pretends to be a girl. Has an account on Twitter just for making fun of Kyle, listens to true crime. Collects stickers 😊😊 begs his mom to give him robux, he also has another Twitter account that's a Stan account for lady Gaga. Terrified of Wendy 😭😲 the coon is his fursona, he also pretends that he hates furrys but secretly is one 😭 Gets C-. reddit user.. says "MY CONTROLLER BROKE" when he loses a game, he's fluent in German. He's really smart, sometimes even smarter than Kyle, but doesn't care to use it for good, he just uses it for asshole shit. Sleeps with all 10000 of his stuffed animals. he hates fathers day. he watches Trisha paytas, ishowspeed, and shane dawson. 😭😭

Kenny: Blue eyes, messy blonde hair, he has a tooth gap, and his clothes are really dirty, he's the 2nd shortest of the 4, and he's pretty skinny, he's pansexual and genderfluid. he listens to Cardi B, Gorillaz, Vengaboys. and his fav song is Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!! his fav food is Grilled cheese. His fav game is DDLC and FNF (he plays on butters pc) He watches Pokemon, MPL ( originally Karen forced him to watch it but he kinda likes it LMAO ) and Sailor moon. he falls asleep in class a lot. He gets B+. therapist friend, zones out a lot. He sometimes comes to school with pigtails that Karen gave him. He never fights with his siblings. Stan always gives him some of his school lunch. his clothes are covered in holes and stains. he loves playing truth or dare and always picks dare. he loves birthday party's and always take a ton of food to bring to his family. he wants a pet rat so bad. he likes Stan the best out of the main 4, he sometimes finds Kyle super annoying and cartman... well its cartman.. goes outside and burns pieces of paper for fun. he watches Mr Beast ( he comments on every video "please help me") Gawr Gura, Ironmouse, and Pokimane.

Butters: Blue eyes, very short blonde hair, a scar on his right eye. he's the same height as Kenny, slim, has a couple freckles but not NEARLY as much as Kyle 😨he's Bisexual. He has PTSD. He listens to BTS, Disney songs, his fav song is Butter 🙀 His fav food is Ice cream ( strawberry ) His fav game is Hello Kitty Island Adventure, and Roblox. He watches Hello kitty (ofc) MLP ( him and Kenny watch it together) and Spongebob. He loves pastel colors. VERY bad memory, likes the taste of milk, Bites his nails, He still has the Marjorine clothes and likes to dance around in them, HIM AND BRADLEY ARE PEN PALS. Has to sing the ABCs to know the placements Gets A-. He also cant watch horror movies or play scary games like Kyle. He starts celebrating Christmas in October. watches those boys vrs girls gacha life music videos. USES THOSE VERY CURLY STRAWS IN CHOCOLOTE MILK AND BLOWS BUBBLES IN THEM!!! He's an art kid. He watches DanTDM, and Stampy

PLEASE DONT FLOP THIS TOOK 5 DAYS

[gayleafpool]

Talk about Varian

IM ALWAYS READY TO TALK ABOUT THAT LOSER!! get ready

-> one thing i’ve been thinking SO hard about lately is the potential of a lady caine and varian friendship. imagine it. she lost her dad and varian thought he lost his which drove them to seek revenge against and grow to hate the royal family. they both get thrown in prison. and basically forgotten about. A FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THEM WOULD BE SO FUNNY he would probably think she was soooo cool. wait imagine if they had cells near each other in prison. imagine if she saw the things he went through w andrew in prison and thought hm wow that was insane and fucked up. what if they meet again later on like post s3 and become sorta pals and feel like they can vent their lingering resentment toward royalty w each other and just like. idk talk about all the shit they went through. WHAT THEN HUH

-> related i get so emo about varian repressing his trauma and like, outwardly it seems like he got over everything that happened to him with the blizzard/amber/prison/etc etc but really it was more relief that rapunzel forgave him and was able to free quirin so it felt like everything should be FINE and it would easy to just leave everything in the past so he tries and he thinks he’s getter better and doing well but he’s really getting so much worse and refuses to address or process any of the shit he went through until it all majorly comes crashing down a while later. there are these little signs in the way he behaves like he acts weirdly reckless sometimes and will put himself in bad situations, just starts to exhibit signs of what happened to him. iykyk u know we know. and it’s so hard for him to rationalize this and accept this bc his feelings are so complicated bc he would tell himself that he deserved to be treated that way or even liked it because he was so lonely and desperate for positive attention so there’s this shame and guilt aspect that makes it 10x harder to talk about and AUGHHHHHHH. i could write an essay. this is so important to me. everyone be nice to me about this

-> okay lighter topic. something i always forget about varian is that he’s a good artist like canonically i think that’s so fun. THEREFORE: varian and rapunzel drawing/painting together. ENOUGH SAID!!!!! i love them

wait now i’m thinking more varian and rapunzel thoughts. rapunzel teaching him how to dance. rapunzel being one of the few people who’s happy to sit and listen to him ramble about chemistry n shit cuz she loves learning new things so she’s genuinely interested. they are so <3 IVE ALSO SAID BEFORE that i think varian looooves learning new languages and he’s really good at it and i think rapunzel would be too!! they just end up having lots of common interests

also i refuse to believe varian ever gets taller than her i just cant see it

-> mmfmfmfmfmf varian and ulla thoughts. the fact that they look so similar makes me crazy. i also like to imagine that his hyperactive inquisitive balls to the walls insane personality comes mostly from her too. cute but batshit 🫶🫶 also the anger issues. u know that image that’s like i inherited my mother’s anger yeah thats varian. also the idea that quirin is so protective of varian bc he feels like he couldn’t protect ulla esp when you factor in that varian is basically just a copy of her. WAUGH!!!!! i’m emo.

something something donella seeing hugo start to catch feelings for varian and being like oh so this little shit is EXACTLY like his mother. bc it reminds her of how she loved ulla but could never have her. and it makes her hate varian sooo bad. girl rein in the projection

this has been explosion hour with gayleafpool come again soon

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

Okay y'all, my smacked ass has had an epiphany tonight about why i like the stupid vampire books so much, even though like, at least a quarter of them are mostly trash. presented in meme format:

anne rice was far from perfect, but when she added all her bible fanfic into the books, the idea that to reach heaven we have to forgive god for his indifference was something that shook 11 year old me.

and like, anne clearly had some religious issues she was working through when she wrote memnoch. eleven year old me could see that, and she was only 11. and baby me got it; bc baby me was an atheist who was trying very, very hard not to be one (bc my mom forced me to go to church as a kid, and i was afraid she wouldn't love me anymore if she knew) but i was not feeling the capital-G god.

(she does still love me, btw. baby me was just as neurotic as adult me)

I was like why create a tree adam and eve couldn't from in the first place? like that was unnecessary. why play mind games like that? and asking abraham to sacrifice his son? what for? to prove what? that you're a dick? also, if forgiveness is so important why do 'bad' people burn in hell for all eternity? that's a bit extreme dude. (this is me expressing my 11 yr old little girl thoughts, btw. please don't attack me for thinking mean things about your religion as a literal child. a child having it force fed to her)

So like, her concept of this need for us to bestow forgiveness on Elohim (her name for god) was like, mind-blowing. Bc my whole life it had been like, god is good; god is great; all the time; all the time. But to me, this guy just seemed like a giant asshole, bc all the stuff. Flooding the earth was the equivalent of a toddler flushing his toy down the toilet bc he's mad.

And I mean, once Jesus came along everything got real different. jesus was cool. and he could turn water into wine. which 11 yr old me thought he could have put to good use and just made a bunch of wine out of nasty water no one wanted and sold it. then used the money to build a temple, or a bunch of temples, or just give all the money to the poor.

(my dad liked the idea; my mom said that jesus wouldn't do that bc drinking was a sin. so of course i asked why jesus was giving people wine if drinking was a sin. so my mom volleyed with drinking not being the sin, getting drunk was the sin. and i was like, do you know how people get drunk? so she said something about free will, and god giving us choices. so i was like, can i choose to have wine? and she said no bc i was 11. so i was like, i think you're encroaching upon my free will. also bc i was 11 and i thought that was clever at the time. but me and my family have always been able to rib each other a little, to snark a bit and be sarcastic, but never malicious. It's like, playful.)

anyway, the point i'm trying to make is that reading that stupid, bad book felt like the first time an adult person had ever given me permission to be angry at god. not an adult who still believed in it all. and that was gratifying as fuck.

bc i didn't believe in their god, but furthermore, i didn't like him very much either. and i couldn't admit that i didn't believe (bc i have issues) for a few more years. but i sure was angry with who i saw as some version of a fictional man-child with an oversized ego brain-controlling all my friends. (Indoctrinating is the word, but 11 year old me didn't know it. And it was the thing she was thinking of, which tbh, is still a thing that happens around here. Kids grow up fed on it, and that fucks some of them up.)

She did know that you couldn't be mad at a fictional character because they don't, you know, exist. So she understood the anger was illogical, and because I was the type of kid who read textbooks for fun; she knew that meant she was projecting. (Surprise; it's really my mom I'm mad at. But 11 yr old me was not ready to emotionally process that, so she used it as anger at 'the church' which was either as vague or as all-encompassing as the situation called for)

anyway, i could channel all that anger, and redirect it and show it as anger toward god. for all the atrocities. and all the racism, and sexism, and homophobia in the church community. (specifically the southern baptist church community in the bible belt. the bible belt is it's own special hell. especially if you're queer and/or fucked in the head. Like, i know we're supposed to say neurodivergent or some shit. but like, i get to call it fucked in the head, bc i am fucked in the head myself. i have a wide array of mental illnesses/disorders)

and being able to use that as an outlet helped me keep playing pretend another few years. until i could reconcile that my mother, with all her good intentions, could hurt me. even if she didn't mean to. even if i could never ever let her know. bc knowing that would hurt her.

so yeah, that's the long, rambley tale of how reading anne rice's bad bible fanfiction helped me process my inner rage towards my mother. thus allowing me to ultimately move past it. mostly.

[tea-time-with-london]

I agree with the Hopper s3 anon. He was absolutely toxic and what they did to his character was out of pocket.

One thing it was shown that he was on meds in s1, which likely contributed to having his anger issues under control, and he might have gone off the meds between s2 and s3.

But still Hopper isn't the best suited father figure for the Byers or El. Their fight in s2 was so hard to watch, I get him frustrated, but El is a traumatised girl who missed her friends. She only knows violence since she was born essentially, and Hopper can't handle a child like this.

He couldn't even talk normally to Mike in s3, which, yeah, Mike was an ass but he's still a child.

Does the fandom really think Hopper would be supportive of Will coming out? Nope, he was already homophobic to him in s1. He doesn't know how to talk to kids or show empathy for their struggles.

Bob was the only person I could have seen been right for the Byers. He cared about Joyce and the kids. Even though Jonathan didn't like him, Bob was never mean to him. He gave him space. Bob was patient and kind. Hopper is the opposite. He's a lot like Lonnie in terms of having a bad temper. He will trigger Joyce and the boys. Like I love him as an action hero, but he is terrible for the Byers family. And now, with more added trauma, he won't process that well idk. He would need therapy, but it's the 80s, and men show no feelings. Men don't cry kinda bullshit.

I love Jopper in theory (childhood friends to lovers), but they made Hopper into Lonnie 2.0, so I can't ship him with Joyce. She deserves someone like Bob, a gentle soul who keeps her calm and doesn't yell at her for minor things.

Confession #119

Hm. So like I partially get where you're coming from but allow me to touch on a few things, if I may. First, let me just say I also loved Bob. He was a sweet, gentle soul who truly did care for Joyce and the boys. (I wish I could describe my dad's reaction to Bob's death. My dad was mortified. He loved Bob.)

As for Hopper...I don't remember anywhere in season 1 where Hopper was homophobic to Will. I haven't watched season 1 in a bit so I could be misremembering, but I can't even name a scene in my head where he was homophobic.

But a genuine question for you is do you not believe he can change? At all? What would be the point of Hopper going through all 5 seasons and remaining exactly the same?

Hopper is re-learning how to be a parent, this is something I think we all have to remember. His only child died at just like five or six years old. As a parent, he was probably feeling so unbelievably helpless because he couldn't protect or save his little girl. This helplessness transformed into the overprotectiveness we saw in season 2. While he may have been overbearing, it wasn't out of malice. He was trying to do everything he could to keep El safe from the people that wanted to hurt her. And sure, he absolutely could have gone about it a different way, I won't argue against that at all because there were times he could have exercised grace and patience and figured out a solution where they were both happy.

As for season 3, I also wasn't the biggest fan of how Hopper acted toward Mike, but also he's watching his daughter grow up and branch out with friends and her boyfriend and there comes that protectiveness again that a lot of parents have toward their kiddos. Again, obviously I don't approve of the way Mike was treated. I think Hopper could have eased up on him while also implementing boundaries as a parent.

And remember...Hopper only got to spend 5 years with his daughter Sarah. El is like a preteen/teen in seasons 2-3. This is a whole different experience for Hopper. He's never parented a teenager before, much less a teen daughter who is superhuman as a single father. Parenthood is trial and error.

And then we obviously have to factor trauma into the conversation as an explanation for a lot of his behavior, but of course that's never an excuse for behavior. But Hopper loves El, and Hopper loves Joyce (and though I feel like we don't really see Hopper and the Byers brothers in scenes together, I'm sure he loves them too) then I think that's some motivation to work on his own healing so he doesn't project onto other people. My point in saying all this is that characters grow and change. And I think Hopper has honestly showed a lot of feelings. Just think of the conversations he had with Enzo in Russia. He showed genuine, raw emotion talking about Sarah and El and all the shit he's been through. That's process. That's development.

At the end of the day, you feel the way you feel about it all and that's perfectly fine. Just wanted to open up the discussion a bit :)

[sweetswesf]

Catch Up

Hey, Y’all. It’s been a minute. I’ve been operating on burn out. Been going. And not necessarily getting a lot done. I’m finally losing weight and seeing definition. I’ve been consistent with my workouts and although I haven’t worked a real schedule as if I was working again, I have managed to do at least SOMETHING everyday. There were days in the past where I would get absolutely nothing done. But even if it’s an hour or two, I make sure to do SOMETHING towards interview prep everyday.

I’m a little embarrassed that I am not further along. I don’t consume YouTube as much these days and I just blocked The Shade Room and other Twitter pages I consume heavily. I eat okay. My dad called last week and told me my little brother now wants to code. He suggested to my brother to reach out to me. Many emotions came up. Mostly anger, so I had to cut the convo short. I was angry my father hopped back into communication as if he didn’t hurt me. I was angry he suggested to my brother to reach out to me when my brother has had me blocked and blamed me for why he wasn’t getting opportunities when I set up his LinkedIn page and said I was trying to push him into doing something he didn’t want to do when I suggested he pursue coding.

My family ostracized me, called me all kind of bad names, took his side, told me to help when they saw I was right, never apologized for any of the things they said, and now wants me to help.

As a Christian, I must welcome him with open arms and not hold all that against him. I prayed to be a better person. God is giving me that opportunity. Forgive so that I may be forgiven.

It has got me down, but I need to remember not to get weary in well doing, and that well doing in continuing through the pain and not taking my anger or revenge out.

I had to cut improv guy OFF. Block him. He invited himself to church with me. Trying to give him another “chance”, he targeted my religion and something so sacred to me. I accepted. Then, a whole week later, he says, “Where’s the address? My friend may want to join.”

This triggered me because a lot of my “friends” invite me places or I invite them, and then they bring their partner along either without telling me or they tell me right before when it’s too late or awkward for me to back out. Just tell me you want to bring them. If you NEED them there, then are we really friends? I have trust issues. I have been betrayed so many times and I don’t feel like I give this same energy out to people.

So when this guy did it. I told him I wasn’t cool with it and why I wasn’t. I didn’t trust him and don’t know his friend at all. Didn’t tell me about the friend. This is the first time I’m meeting them in person. If you wanted to go with your friend, just go with them. Do they have an interest in meeting me? Or am I going to be the third wheel you all ignore and use me to show you around?

A lot of people have been playing with my time and emotions. One other dude I got let go with who has been awkwardly trying to hang out but never sets a sure date to meet and then apologizes and promises to meet as if this is something I want when this was what HE wanted and I’m just being nice, had the nerve to say he was lonely and now knows what it feels like to be a “minority” despite being Indian. I immediately called him out on it. He got way too comfortable. I’m so tired of people.

Also, my therapist been getting REAL lazy. She’s postponing our meeting, one meeting she had hella people in the background, another meeting she was at a cafe and had to change to her phone before her laptop died. I mean…

I just keep hearing my grandmother’s words: “You are so sensitive!” And maybe I am, dog! I keep encouraging myself to stay on it though, because there’s always going to be something to piss me off.

My other “friend” who I told y’all I was afraid to call a friend, showed me why I should tread lightly again. I had doubts about her from jump, but she’s been so nice. But when people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM! I had planned to surprise her and take her somewhere and told her to just save the date, but after she read an invitation to something else I sent her but never responded to it, despite us talking many times after that, I just canceled her surprise. I felt bad because I can’t get my money back, but I’m kinda jaded from being nice to people even after they’ve done me wrong. I’m spent.

I even told my pastor friend about the misogynoir, especially with all these Black men who get killed and their old tweets hating black women get exposed. She acknowledged it, but not quite in the way I had hoped. I regretted opening up to her.

Not everyone is going to treat me how I want to be treated or respond in the way I hope they would. I get that. I just would appreciate more validation and security in my relationships.

I just joined a community group of some of the members in my white ass church, and, upon meeting some of the women, they gave me the same look of fear a lot of white people have when you enter their space. I felt SOOOO welcomed. 🙄🙄🙄. Life as a Black woman can be hard. I so bad want to get my life together…but to go where? I miss New York like CRAZY, but there is racism and stupid exclusivity there as well.

I met up with a girl I met through a mutual acquaintance. She locked arms with me on NYE and walked and chatted with me for BLOCKS in the cold! I thought we were vibing. We exchanged numbers. She put the wrong number in my phone. It was off a number. I thought it was possibly a mistake. I went through 2 people to get her number. I finally got it. I hit her up to schedule something. She seemed ready, but had no suggestions on what we should do. I figured it would go bad at that point. And sure enough. Not only was she late but it was almost as if she was extremely shy. Like girl, you were all up under my arm all night. And no, she wasn’t intoxicated that first night (I don’t think). We eventually talked a bit more fluidly and she even mentioned sharing food “the next time”. So, idk, but it definitely left me feeling like a lot of people don’t deserve my time and generosity and that I should stop inviting people and only take invites right now.

I thought I’d volunteer weekly, but life been lifing. I met a woman last time and she was excited to exchange numbers and hold each other accountable. She’s from Brooklyn, so she’s been following up better. She gets it. She was just hella weirdly bossy volunteering and physically moved me to the point where I thought I would have to say something or get physical back. And I keep letting this stuff happen. Turning the other cheek because I am trying to give people grace and also control my temper better. I really be wanting to let people have it, but I know God is going to reward my patience. I read a scripture recently: only say good and helpful things. I’m trying.

Through all of this, you CANNOT say I don’t “put myself out there” or TRY! I be trying! It’s something about here dude…idk…

I also have been craving romantic intimacy with a man, but a lot of men, especially the ones I seem to attract, are EMBAARRRRRAASSSINNGGG!!! Every dream recently has been about me being intimiate with some dude from my past. I met a dude on Hinge last week. He was not gorgeous, just okay. He were quested to FT. First red flag. Just take me out. Don’t do none of this weird BS. Take the EXPECTED risk that comes with dating someone online, especially since YOU swiped right on me. Then his first date invitation was ice cream at night. Pardon my French, but I AINT NO ICE CREAM BITCH! Take me out to dinner! I entertained the FT and the invitation, but knew I was lowering my standards HEAVILY! So something in my mind said “SABOTAGE IT!” And I did. I asked him why ice cream and not dinner. He gave some stupid response that all seemed to revolve around what HE wanted. If you can’t afford dinner, or you’re tired of it not going beyond dinner, maybe you don’t need to date. You can pick a cheap spot. You think imma walk around in the cold at night on our first date because you “think it lends to better conversation”? If you struggle with coming up topics at the dinner table, improve your conversation skills, go out with someone you’re interested in getting to know, or put your ego aside and recognize that not every moment needs to be filled with a word! I need to get intimiate with these damn computer science concepts…

My neighbor in the apartment below me said my music was too loud. I felt embarrassed and attacked. Solange’s line about not even being able to be yourself in your home resonates with me heavy. I try harder to be quieter, but I don’t even be loud for that long. Just feels like them being anal and wanting to control something they don’t have control over and feeling like they can do it because I’m Black.

So, tomorrow, I’m going to see a comedian. He interviewed me a while back. I hit up his colleague who helped organize the interview, asking if I could meet him at the show. Haven’t heard back from her yet. In addition to meeting him, I’m hoping to make a huge romantic or career connection with someone the comedian knows. I know my potential is to be with and around powerful people who enjoy my company as much as or more than I enjoy theirs.

I would have loved to show my “friend” this, but I didn’t trust her and if she really betrays me, I don’t want to regret showing her that experience. Maybe that’s petty of me, but I have to protect my heart…it’s been getting beat up and I haven’t been saying anything…

I ate out today and felt so guilt about it. I kept thinking about the money, time, and calories I was wasting. It was good, but I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy it fully. I want to be a good steward of the gifts God gives me and I felt like I was indulging a bit and ignoring priorities.

I’m hoping a REAL break will allow me to reset and refocus. I don’t want to eat out. I don’t meet fake friends or people who are not interested in getting to know me too. I canceled a lot of plans and am opting to do things solo. I can’t wait for a true social group, a close partner bond, a community and city I truly enjoy, and a job I want to work hard for. I’m working at it. Praying for it. Praying that I’m doing and wanting the right things.

All that I want is coming for me. I have to focus on the positives: I’m trying things out, people are swiping right on me, I have my health, I’m looking better, I can still afford to hang out and take people out and do things for them, I don’t have to go home to people that make me sad, angry, or say mean things to me, I can study, I am learning, I am teaching myself, I have Wifi and electricity and water to wash my ass, I do have a lot of people that care for me. I live alone. I can get up and do these things myself. I am just really tired and the road ahead seems long, but I have to believe in me, work hard, face my fears, trust in God, and only fear Him. I pray for forgiveness if I am not representing him well. I should have joy.

[daydreamalley]

Chuuya Birthday ficlet feat. baseless headcanons about his mom and family life

This was not meant to be my first original post on here, but it’s Chuuya’s birthday so fuck it. I offer angst as my first contribution to this fandom.

If you'd prefer to read on AO3 then you can find it here

A weird little thing I wrote from Chuuya’s mom’s perspective. We don’t know anything about her, but I feel like Chuuya was def a mommy’s boy. Also assume his dad caused a lot of the issues in his life. Like, his dad had the military doctor connections. Also look at the father figures Chuuya’s had. Mori? N? that is some unhealed daddy issues right there. Though Adam and Murase are great (but they chose him more than he chose them, and they were right for it). Weirdly enough feel like Dazai had serious issues with his mom and that’s where a lot of problems stem from. Don’t know why. Does he give off mommy issue vibes to anyone else? Anyway… back to Chuuya.

Mrs. Nakahara always had a sad look on her face. She hadn’t used to. It’d been that way for more than a decade now, ever since her son disappeared. Sure, he’d lashed out a lot, but really he was a sweet boy, one she couldn’t save from the wrath of his father and his coworker friends. She didn’t know which was her biggest regret, not stopping things before they got to such a bad point or not finally saving her son when it would’ve been most important. Her thoughts still often drifted to him, his wavy auburn hair, his passionate, caring eyes that were too often ignited with anger or dead with dejection. 

What could she have done? They’d told her he was dangerous, and she’d seen it, but Chuuya had always tried protecting her. The one time he’d thrown something out of anger and accidentally hit her she’d seen how he froze with the instant regret of what had just happened, she’d seen the tears. The reaction hadn’t been from fear of consequence, it was because he’d realized what he’d done and that he never wanted to hurt her again. And she was certain he wouldn’t have, even without the scolding he’d gotten from his father. One she’d just stood there through, not protecting him from his father’s wrath at all. These types of memories played in her head so often still, she’d long lost hope they’d ever stop.

She hoped if her son was still alive, he still had some of those same qualities he’d had as a kid, that he hadn’t lost his caring, his passion for life, his laughter, the storm in his eyes whenever anyone tried to tell him what to do. Though she knew it was unlikely. Despite that, she hoped he had at least one person he cared for, that he wanted to protect, and that that person was worth it. Perhaps more than anything, she hoped he had someone who cared about him. Who understood him, would be there for him through thick and thin, who cares for him just as she was sure her son cares for them. A person he could trust, because god knows not even she was a person he could really trust, even though he had trusted her wholeheartedly, and she hadn’t deserved it. She realized that much. And yet the boy had put his trust in her. He’d deemed her worthy, and he’d suffered the consequences.

This was usually when her tears came, when she thought of that. That was something she’d hoped he’d lost in his interactions in the world. That ability to trust beyond reason. Though she’d always gotten the feeling that even as a young boy he had always had reason. He was clever after all, maybe he simply saw things that she could not that justified his trust.

None of her thoughts would ever find answer. No matter what the reality, one thing was true: she would never see, much less know, her son ever again. Her small, angry, sweet boy. Oh, he’d always been so small for his age and yet so eager to be a protector, to defend what he cared about, to help in any way he could. And he’d just been so young.

She blew out the candle. The secret ceremony she kept for herself every year on April 29th. She wouldn’t forget her son, even though she’d failed him so fundamentally. He had a strong heart, one all his own as he certainly hadn’t gotten it from her or his father. And that strong heart wouldn’t be an easy one to break, she knew that much, and it gave her a glimmer of hope. She wafted the smoke away from the flame that had just been extinguished, leaving the room in an absence of light. “Happy birthday, Chuuya. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you enough to save you.”

Meanwhile, in Yokohama…

Chuuya opened a bottle of wine for himself, alone in his apartment. Birthdays weren’t exactly big celebrations in the Port Mafia. And when he was in the Sheep he hadn’t even known his own birthday, something he felt was fitting for someone who wasn’t human. He’d only figured it out from the files the Flags had gotten for him. In fact, the last time he’d been celebrated was when the Flags tried to throw him a 1-year anniversary of when he joined the mafia. And what a brat he’d been about it all. He tried not to remember that day too often, royal clusterfuck it had ended up being. He can’t ever remember anyone celebrating him without there being some achievement connected to it, without him having done something. Maybe as a kid, before he could remember, someone had celebrated him for him, for simply existing, but if that had ever happened the memory was long gone. He thought back to what he’d read in Rimbaud’s journal (that Dazai had eventually allowed him to read), about how he explained birthdays to Verlaine. “Celebrating birthdays is a simple gesture that suggests one thing: Your birth is something worth celebrating. No matter what anyone says, you deserve to be here.” Chuuya snorted to himself. Much like Verlaine, if someone tried to celebrate him like that he’d be more suspicious than grateful. Isn’t that exactly how he’d reacted to the Flags? He’d realized far too late how much they genuinely cared about him and not just his place in the mafia. Just as soon as they were gone, and of course that’s when it hit him.

Chuuya thought through the mundane line of birthdays he could remember. The Sheep had tried to celebrate a kind of birthday for him once, when he was 10. He’d been too worried about their resources to enjoy any of it, instead scolding everyone for trying something like this. They never tried again after that, just used his battle wins as excuses to splurge. 

His 16th hadn’t been so bad actually. He had been new to the mafia still. It was his first run-in with Murase as a mafioso. Though they had run into each other when Chuuya was still in the Sheep nothing had ever come of it.

He couldn’t even remember what Murase had tried to bring him in for that birthday, not realizing Chuuya was part of a much harder organization to catch, but he did remember the moment in the interrogation room when Murase was looking through Chuuya’s files, eyes flaring as he ran over the file, and abruptly got up, saying he’d be back soon. It shouldn’t have been that abnormal, maybe he’d thought of something he had to do or realized something he needed to address immediately, not in Chuuya presence. And technically those things were true, Chuuya just couldn’t figure out why that thing was apparently bringing him some shitty-ass cupcake from the breakroom. When Chuuya demanded what the hell it was, Murase replied “it’s your birthday kid. The least you deserve is some cake.” Chuuya had let out a small “oh” in response, the look in Murase’s eye turning soft and almost sad. Chuuya was about to blow up at him, he didn’t need anyone’s pity, but then Murase got back to business, and Chuuya settled a little. Eventually he did bite into the cupcake, realizing he was hungry and it was sugar after all, and he pretended not to hear Murase’s murmured “happy birthday kid” as he finished the cupcake.

A couple more fairly forgettable birthdays, or ones he tried to forget, brought him here. He cheers-d the city lights outside his window. Once again as alone as ever.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Chuuya! 

This won't be a normal type of post for me, and I guess it's just a mess of headcanons, but I quite liked it so felt like sharing. Hopefully it isn't too weird or disparate.

[lovecolibri]

Finally watched the episode as well. I was not so impressed. It was a solid episode, but the fandom totally overhypes it. While i did like the emergencies going back to just emergencies without ten minutes of backstory nobody wants to see, it angered me sooo much that each cast member got a scene of how they were doing after a four month hiatus but Eddie (and Chris) nowhere to be seen. They could have easily cut some Buckley-Han family scenes for that. Is this too much to ask for? The final moments also didn‘t came anywhere close to how i felt after watching Eddie getting shot. Sure Buck hanging there was something, but i don‘t know i already moved on and am looking forward to next Monday. Eddie getting shot however still haunts me.

I'm sorry the episode didn't live up to the hype for you. It absolutely did for me for the most part though I agree that the lack of Eddie and the check-in for him and Chris was disappointing to say the least and given that the sperm donor arc is my absolute behated, I would rather have seen less drama about that and checked in with Eddie and Chris. We literally saw EVERY other main character at home with their family except for Eddie 😤😤😤 And after Eddie's arc was consistently one of the only things that fans and GAs liked about s5 it feels incredibly petty and disrespectful to sideline him so hard in s6 🤷🏻‍♀️

I loved the final minutes of the episode, and I absolutely got chills, same with seeing the preview for this week. I also love the shooting scene, but honestly 4x14 is Not It for me personally because *I* wanted more about EDDIE and more from his POV, and more from the firefam ABOUT Eddie like we're getting for Buck, and seeing the firefam and especially Bobby being there for Buck but instead all the scenes that SHOULD have gone to the firefam taking care of Buck or being at Eddie's house for his welcome home party, went to Tay Kay instead so KR could force her into the narrative. Plus Bobby got shot and we just never talked about that again and totally skipped any recovery even though Bobby had issues with pain meds and that could have been something to explore. So while the shooting scene itself is absolutely top tier, chef's kiss amazing, the episode as a whole is a mixed bag for me to say the least, while 6x10 really only had the sperm donor discussion that I didn't like because I don't see the point or what they're trying to accomplish with that arc since Buck isn't going to struggle at all with the difference between donor and dad, so I'm just tired of wasting screentime on it.

My general rule though is to keep my expectations, as much as I can, in the GROUND, so that I'm not disappointed. I forgot that lesson in s4 by foolishly thinking that after having Tay Kay humiliate Buck on purpose, call him a bad friend, and sneer at him about how needy he is (all because he asked her over as a friend to have his back in an uncomfortable situation when she thought it was gonna be for sex and all about her, and she wasn't prepared to actually step up and be a friend so she went out of her way to make things MORE uncomfortable for him out of spite), that it was a clue they would NEVER try to put them together. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ My b. I forgot some women just looooove the idea of pulling "big strong men" down and putting them "in their place" because hashtag feminism or whatever. And after Tay Kay AND L who bragged about enjoying making Buck uncomfortable? It's not too hard to see what kind of woman character KR likes to project on to.

Anyway, sorry the episode wasn't everything you wanted, though it felt much more like a return to form for me, and like you said even the emergencies were back to how they used to be. Brad and JCC really do create magic together, and I hope this energy continues through the rest of 6b because after 6a was just...filler moments with the occasional spark, it felt really good to have that season 3 energy back. At least the cast is giving stellar performances no matter what and the fodder for fics is all sooooo delicious, so we're still getting fed!

[arttrampbelle]

One of my big issues in ghost of tsushima is the retcons they did to fit with the iki island expansion. That always bothers me when writers do that in a game.

Im so sick of them retconing things that don't need it.

But i also kinda hate how they are a bit bias to certain characters. Or at least fans are.

There should be no bias in this game. Period.

That's the point of an open world game. With many choices. Otherwise its not really good is it?

I really wish they would actually make consequences feel like consequences in this game.

Being ghost like or samurai. Being honorable or not. And the good,bad and ugly with it. But nope all we get is special dialogue. Thats all i really feel we get.

Where is the actual danger outside of invaders in this game? Where is the threats of former friends? Shimura hunting down jin himself? It would be oof in the feels but plausible. Instead we dont really feel any real looming dangers of the casualties of war.

Iki island seems cool but i feel it doesn't really add anything special. Cept confusion,unnecessary angst,and making his dad and uncle look like dicks and painting him n his mom as helpless. And it irks tf outta me narratively.

Because i never saw jin that way. Ever. Like he was driven to the path of the ghost because of anger and pain and different ways on handling things in war. Thats it. No need for a sob story. No need for any explanations.

I feel adding his mom and dad too much in a story and showing them too much kinda ruins it. It didn't need to explain that part.

What it needed was a proper sequel and TO MOVE ON WITH THE STORY. dwelling too much on what was supposed to be just passing mentions just ruins a story for me.

I would rather see the aftermath of jin being wanted by the shogan(maybe even showing that the shogan aint such a good guy. I mean lets be honest,it kinda hints at that. And shimura even felt that shit too but he had no choice but to follow. Sorry i know a lot of shit about samurai history. I didnt study this shit for years for nothing. There is hella plot holes and historical inaccuracies out the wazoo on this game) Shimura feeling regret(because lets be honest he would. Like maybe a shimura redemption arch? Plz?). Like fr. Like you could take it so much better. But nope they have to go the typical route. As per usual.

Its so predictable.

But it pains me because i felt the expansion pack should have been something else. If they wanted to add more enemies they could do so without meddling with the already good story. Like there was nothing wrong with the main story at all. Like why fuck it up? Like why retcon things that didnt need it? Makes no sense.

The only thing I'd change is taka actually being more than a helpless waif or treated like one. And ryuzo not betraying jin outright but instead how his straw hats betray ryuzo and anger and frustration consumed jin so it looks like ryuzo betrays him but its not. Like you could do so much more with that. And make jin look less like an asshole. And give reason why his anger consumes him?

I just feel like it could be better. Now that i am actually analyzing it better.

Still an amazing game. But yeah. There is some holes i have seen now. Big holes. Like bruh.

Anyways enough venting. Like there is just so many better ideas they could have taken the game and could take it in the future.

[kinichwife]

this time i gotta know, where did my daddy go?

alt. title; i didn’t cry when you left a first, but now that you’re dead it hurts

all characters x gn! reader (with daddy issues......)

[tw: daddy issues, abuse mentions, heavily implied that the reader’s dad is dead (it’s stated that he is in deuce’s part, tho), this is very very self indulgent, SA mentions, reader was heavily neglected as a child]

note: ayo this is for all the people with daddy issues out there

heartslabyul, savanaclaw, octavinelle, scarabia, pomefiore, diasomnia

riddle rosehearts

when you finally open up to him about this, needless to say, he’s definitely taken by surprise. he doesn’t know what to say at all, he grew up in an entirely different way. he’d hold you in his arms and let you cry into his shoulder, you don’t have to say anything, neither of you do. he cares a lot about you. when he heard about how much your father had neglected and took his anger out on you, he would promise to never do that, no matter how frustrated he is. now that he knows this information, he’d hold it to heart and never use it against you. if you want to talk to him about anything, feel free to find him in his free time. he can’t really guarantee he’ll know what to say, though.

trey clover

that explains a lot about you. now he understands why you act the way you do towards him. always relying on him, always clinging to his arm, it all clicked. when you told him all of the things your father used to do to you, his heart shattered. why would anyone do such a thing to you? you were just a kid, what did you do to deserve it? he doesn’t want the answer to that question, not that there is one. is this why you were always around him? because you saw him as a father figure? he had to admit, hearing that part hurt him the most. relying on him because you never grew up with a real father. he promises, so long as you decide to stick with him, he will always take care of you.

cater diamond

he had no words to say. when you told him all that happened in your life when you were a child; the abuse, the assault, everything from top to bottom, he held you into a tight embrace. usually he handles these kinds of situations better, but you’re different. you’re the only person he has his heart set on, and to hear this about his own lover? he wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe and secure. 

ace trappola

‘oh, haha! nice joke, (Y/n)!! ...it’s not a joke?’ he feels bad for you, he just doesn’t know how to show it. so for now, he doesn’t say anything. instead he stays quiet and lets you vent as he lets you hold onto him. he’d wrap his arms around you in return. the more and more you spoke, the more he felt worse and worse. all of that, and you were just a toddler? a kid? it was so much, he couldn’t comprehend it. ace isn’t the best with these kinds of situations, but even if he doesn’t say a word during these moments, he hold you in hopes that you know how much he cares for you and loves you. he promises on his life that he’ll protect you.

deuce spade

as you opened up to him more and more, he felt the anger bubble up inside of him. why the hell would he do that? your own father! your blood related, father! he was supposed to care for you, nurture you, love you, treat you like you were truly worth something to him. but no, he did the opposite, and deuce wanted nothing more than to beat your father to the ground. when you told him why, his eyes were blown wide. your dad is... dead? now he feels even worse. he’d quickly apologize and wrap his arms around you, he doesn’t know what else to say. he’d cry too, he doesn’t want that to happen to you ever again, ever.

[love-beyond-space-war]

First regular Halo RvB oneshot. Requester was on Wattpad. I saw this as you're Sarge's adopted Daughter for age reasons. You're an adult in this, of course.

I really enjoy Dexter Grif, lol- Kept it general for when this takes place although it's implied to be before his sister arrives in Season 5 as it was not specified.

Approval

Pvt. Dexter Grif x Sarge's Daughter! Reader

Synopsis: Sarge thought it was a good idea to bring more firepower to the red team. What no one expected was Sarge to bring his daughter in. Imagine Grif's dilemma when he finds himself falling for you, the daughter of the man who he loves to irritate.

Content Warnings: Kissing, Forbidden relationship, Swearing, Other than that it's cute.

"You can't be serious...." Simmons sighs, looking over to Grif in disappointment.

"I am serious, Simmons!" Grif huffs, leading to Simmons groaning.

"Sarge would have your head if he caught you with her, y'know that?" Simmons muses. "I mean, she only joined Red a few months ago and you're already-"

"Not so loud, dude! What if she hears? That or Sarge!?"

"Doesn't sound like my problem."

"Okay, Kiss Ass."

Grif sighs and walks away from his friend. Maybe it was a mistake to consult Simmons about how he feels. Although he certainly wasn't saying it to Donut.

Truth is, Grif hasn't been feeling too well emotionally ever since he met Sarge's daughter, (Y/N). You were a bit younger than Grif and so unlike your father. Grif always assumed you weren't blood related because of that.

Sarge was so... Sarge. Ruthless and commanding, although it was fun to annoy him. You on the other hand? You made Grif's heart flutter.

You were so much nicer to him than Sarge. You even asked Sarge to go easier on him at one point. For that he was grateful.

You and Grif made surprising friends due to the relations with Sarge. Although you made him happy and he seemed to also make you happy. He never thought he'd find someone like you on the team.

Over the months he's known you his feelings only grew stronger. The only issue was expressing them. Which was hard to do for one big reason.

Sarge, your father. There's no way Sarge would approve of you dating him. That thought both angered and pained Grif.

"You good, Grif?" You ask softly, your voice shaking him from his thoughts. Grif's visor looks towards you. If only you knew....

"Ah... I guess, yeah. Simmons was giving me trouble again."

You sigh, irritated. He could read your emotions just by your tone.

"Wish Simmons and Sarge gave you more respect, Grif." You say, upset.

"Do you really mean that? They've always been like this-"

"Of course! Atleast I have the decency to treat you with respect. You're a pretty good guy, Grif."

Oh his heart ached....

"That means a lot...."

"(Y/N)!"

Grif freezes when he hears your name being called. Great, it's Sarge.

"Yes, dad?"

"Why are you talking with Grif?"

"I happen to enjoy talking with Grif?"

"He's a bad influence, (Y/N). Lazy as all hell...."

"Hey!"

"He's fun to talk to, dad."

"I would rather you talked with Simmons if anyone here."

"Simmons is a Kiss Ass."

Grif laughs softly at your comment, you really did have his back. Maybe he could give this a try...

"Language, (Y/N). Simmons is a good man."

"Say what you will, dad."

You snicker before walking away. Desperate to get out of Sarge's gaze and talk with you more, Grif follows. If he could just get you alone....

"You seem off, Grif."

Grif feels you put a hand on his shoulder. Your touch is comforting, he feels he can do this.

"Admittedly... a little?"

"Is it my father?"

"That's part of it."

"Yeah, I get that. He's just so..."

"Him?"

"Yeah."

Grif sits down in the base with you. It's just you and him in private. He breathes in before speaking.

"It's been a hard few months but I felt I should tell you this."

"Mhm?"

"(Y/N)..." Grif sits closer. "I like you, like, more than just a comrade."

You look at him. It's hard to tell your expressuon through your visor. But what you did next said all he needed to know.

You shift closer before pulling him into your embrace. You both say nothing, cherishing the moment. Grif could tell you felt the same.

"I had a feeling you'd say that." You say, pulling away enough to tug at your helmet. Grif was left awestruck upon seeing your face. It took you tapping his helmet to snap him out of it.

"Come on, you shy?"

"(Y/N)...." Grif says in shock before removing his helmet. Once off, you wrap your arms around him and kiss him. Grif pauses before kissing back.

He was admittedly not that experienced. Yet neither were you. That didn't change the fact you both were enjoying yourselves.

It felt nice for the both of you. Wrapped around each other and sharing a very intimate moment. It felt meant to be....

Soon you both pull away, looking at each other in bliss. You couldn't be happier.

"God I love you...."

"Same to you, Grif...."

"(Y/N) and Grif!"

"Ah shit...."

You both freeze upon hearing Sarge's voice.

"You have some explaining to do!"

[landinoandco]

Hey could you do one with max verstappen, where the reader a fight about him not helping around the house (witch he doesnt do because he is just tired from working hard but the reader dont know) so they yell at max and he suddenly walks away but then they find him crying in bed, because hes overworked and feels like hes never gonna be good enough at being a driver and the readers boyfriend. And feels like he can only dissapoint the reader, his dad and cristian. But the reader comforts him. Tnx

Because I'm not good enough...

Max Verstappen x Reader

Warnings: angsty

Word count: 2 k

Requests are open :)

You were sat at the dining room table, staring out at the empty seat in front of you. Your arms crossed across your chest and your lip in between your teeth. You had been sat there for an hour - in the grand scheme of things an hour didn’t seem like such a long time but it was his final warning and an hour was just long enough to allow for your anger to boil over.

Dinner was in the fridge - the same dinner you had cooked an hour ago, your phone lay screen up on the table - the same phone you used to call Max two hours and a half hours ago, he told you he was on his way home. Home whilst you were in the UK was 25 minutes away from the Redbull HQ. This was becoming a regular occurrence, some nights he would come home so late that you had already taken yourself to bed. The atmosphere in the house seemed to freeze over whenever he was around even though you were yet to come out of summer, there was something hanging over the pair of you - unspoken feelings and as of now a red hot anger that threatened to escape from your usually composed nature.

Ever since the championship had taken a turn in the favour of Redbull, Max had started to become much more distant. It started off with him not inviting you along to the races, leaving on the Wednesday before race weekend and sometimes not seeing him until the following Tuesday and that was on a stand alone race weekend. On the triple headers, it could be nearing two weeks until you two were spared 5 minutes alone and even then it was a brief conversation before he rushed back to the factory or to train.

You thought you knew what you signed up for and since yours and Max’s relationship and that was three years ago so you thought you had seen it all - been through it all with him, witnessed every high and every low. This was a new territory and you knew that if it wasn’t tackled soon -

The click of the door lock echoed in the hallway, you straightened in your seat - eyes locked ahead of you and your knee bouncing.

Max sighed loudly and wiped his hand over his face, it had been a long day - he had been at the factory up until Christian had invited him out to lunch, it was nice to catch up with his boss and Max felt like he owed the man so much; guiding him through the years that had led up to the moment they found themselves in. Max felt like over the past years he had matured as a person, sometimes still short tempered but being an F1 driver it wasn’t necessarily a bad trait. After his lunch with Christian, his dad had called him - the less said about the conversation the better. By the time you had called, the last thing he wanted to do was come home and risk upsetting you. He had taken himself on a run - to clear his head and focus on what he was going to say to you because he felt like something definitely needed to be said.

He also owed a lot to you, you had put up with so much over the years and standing by his side even when he had made a mistake - although you were very quick to tell him when he was in the wrong. You seemed to be on his level, a blunt and forward look at life - there was no time for dawdling about when you had things to be done. Life was short and there was no time to waste.

Recently however, he was putting so much pressure and stress on himself about work that the hours slipped away from him and so did the time spent with you. He felt the atmosphere change around the pair of you - as though he was always walking on thin ice, the cracks beginning to show. The guilt he felt was nothing like he had ever felt before, all he wanted to do was talk to you but he was scared of pushing you away - which is ironic because not talking and letting the pent up anger build up was having the same effect. He was never that good when it came to talking about how he felt - as much as he wanted to he felt as though he would be a burden and that he would put too much pressure on you. He could never tell you what he really felt like inside. It was embarrassing, he knew that a professional athlete should never feel what he felt. It weakened him and having weaknesses in a sport like Formula 1 was not an option.

Max shrugged his coat off and walked through to the main room of the apartment - the room where you were sat waiting to pounce as though he was your unsuspecting prey.

He offered a tired smile, in response he got a sneer. Swallowing hard, you felt the anger take over, like some monster escaping from a cage.

“I have been sitting here for an hour, Max -” You shot to your feet, pointing at the table, your voice cracked slightly. “For months, you’ve been leaving me - it’s me who’s been cooking for us both, cleaning, washing - everything, Max. By myself.” You were shouting now, your heart threatening to break free from your chest. Max just stood there, a blank expression on his face - his gaze fixed to the ground. “I don’t understand what went wrong, Max. We were happy, hell, we spoke to each other. Now, I’m alone. In fact, I may as well be alone if this doesn’t change.” The words had fallen out of your mouth before you had any time to consider them - or the consequences. Your eyes went round with shock and you fell back to your seat. A loud silence filled the room.

Max, too, had not expected the words that had initiated the silence. He opened his mouth, eyes still on the ground, then closed it again before raising his head and looking you dead in the eye.

“You don’t mean that.” He managed to mutter, barely being able to raise his voice any louder. He felt a tired emptiness, this was the last thing he had wanted to happen.

“That’s all you have to say to me.” You rounded on him again, angry tears threatening to fall from your eyes.

“No - I -” He stuttered, then closed his eyes, inhaling slowly, “I just don’t think we should talk things through whilst you’re angry -” He saw you about to interject, when he raised his hands. “You have every right to be. That’s not what I’m saying. I think we should wait to talk about it so we don’t say things we are going to regret later.” Max could feel his throat constricting, he was battling to keep his emotions at bay.

You sniffed and nodded slowly, placing your head in your hands - hot tears escaping and shoulders tensed.

Max swallowed thickly, his eyes swimming with tears. He made a move and after no interruption left the room. He had only made it to the stairs before he collapsed, the fatigue getting the better of him. He was such an idiot, a fact he was certainly aware of now, how could he have let things get this bad. Did that make him a selfish person?

He couldn’t hold it in any longer, a harsh sob escaping from his mouth - fingers shaking and his head a loud mess.

As soon as Max had left the room, you had gotten up to get some water - when you paused, a sound catching your attention - a deep sounding sob. You waited, a line appeared between your brows. Slowly and carefully, you inched towards the door - waiting with baited breath for the sound again.

It was coming from the stairs and there was only one person it could be. Regret instantly pooled in the pit of your stomach, you hadn’t meant for him to cry. You were just so angry and he needed to know that.

“Max.” You called out softly, unsurprisingly there was no response. You went in the direction of the stairs and hunched over in front of you was your boyfriend - attempting to stifle his sobs. You rushed forwards, placing your arms around his shoulders and pulled his body into yours. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around your waist. You kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair as he continued to cry - you allowed him to empty his emotions out; some tears of your own betraying you entirely.

“I’m sorry, I really am.” Came a muffled voice. Pausing, you released your hold of him and placed your hands either side of his face - offering him a watery smile. Then, using your sleeves you wiped his tears away - he watched your every move, waiting for you to say something. When you didn’t, he braced himself - lips trembling; he knew it was now or never. He had to tell you how he really felt.

“I’m not good enough.” He stated simply, his eyes glossy. Your forehead furrowed. “I’m never going to be good enough to take the championship, I’m going to let everyone down. Everyone that has ever believed in me - it doesn’t matter what I do, how much work I put in - I’m never good enough. And you -” He paused, meeting your gaze, a lump forming in the back of your throat. “I keep letting you down, time and time again. I was the one who caused this, I’m never going to be good enough for you.”

“If you believe that -” You began, kissing the newly formed tears away, “Then I will eat your race shoe.” You moved to sit next to him on the stairs, pulling him into your side. “Why didn’t you tell me that’s how you felt.”

You felt Max shrug, the side of his head resting on yours. “I didn’t want to burden you with all of my problems, you already put up with so much.”

“I will always have time for you, Max.” Grasping his hand in yours, “You are enough, you are more than enough. You are Max Verstappen, the fastest, strongest guy I know.” You chuckled lightly, “I know it may sometimes feel like that and that’s ok. You are putting yourself through so much - maybe, it’s time to give some consideration for your personal life. It’s unhealthy to work all of the time - then we run into issues like these.” You spoke softly, almost whispering but you could tell he was hanging onto every word you spoke. “I love you, Max. I don’t know what I would do without you.” You admitted, turning your head to look at him. He chewed on his bottom lip, processing your words.

“I love you too, more than anything.” He murmured, placing his forehead on yours. You lifted your head slightly to leave a soft kiss on his nose, earning the corners of his lips to quirk up.

Closing your eyes, you relished being in his arms again, to have him close to you. You had missed it. You had missed him. Both of you knew you had a lot to work through, that it wouldn’t simply disappear but both of you were going to do it together. Hand in hand. And that was more than enough.

[monachopsis-11]

After another lovely weekend of struggling with chores and arguing with my dad about it my little sister offered to switch with me. I’ve always kind of been her protector and I tried really hard to protect her before the divorce and now I can’t do that anymore which hurts so much after I spent my childhood sacrificing my feelings so she’d never have to feel alone how I did. But today she was my little guardian Angel and I’m so grateful even though it hurts my dad couldn’t just make the one accommodation I actually asked for.

On the less bright side my dad told me to just live with my mom, I’m trying to take care of myself and stop feeling responsible for their feelings for the first time in my life and do something that’s healthy for me and that hurt. He’s hurt and lashing out like a child but can he not see how ridiculous it is that he’d rather not see me anymore than accommodate me in one tiny way?

After this we went to the store and bought some snacks and socks- just stuff like that and it went better but he had a conversation with my sister later and just feel about and was silent and grouchy all night.

Then I heard him screaming in his bedroom about how “everyone fucking hates him even though he tries so hard and he’s doing his fucking best!” He has to know that the door isn’t sound proof but thank god my sister said she didn’t hear what he said and I think she was telling the truth. I’m just so confused, no one said anything about hating him, I asked for one small accommodation and told him I wasn’t happy with the decisions I’d already told him I wasn’t okay with before he made them (a fact he claims to have forgotten???)

I feel so awful because hyper empathy sucks like that and I don’t understand. He’s a good person and he loves us and works harder than anyone I’ve ever met but he uses those things to justify every bad decision he makes before running to his girlfriend and spilling all my deepest secrets like I didn’t talk to him about something difficult in confidence and she backs up his toxic beliefs.

To be honest I think she’s influencing him, telling him everything he’s doing is right and perfect and we’re just kids who need to adjust? I have no idea if it’s on purpose but he and my mom also have much more severe issues since she came into the picture and she just seems like the nicest person ever but I saw some texts between her and my mom on accident and she was awful.

I think she just lets people walk all over her and then redirects or represses that anger until it leaks out onto something else and I have no idea if its genuine because I’ve seen so this weird side of her.

And my moms hurting and my dad is angry and my sister has had to grow up after being the youngest minded person I’ve met and now she’s hurting and angry and she doesn’t know why.

I have no idea how this keeps falling on my shoulders and I’m exhausted.

Sorry for the long post I really just needed to rant, if anyone actually reads this I’m desperate for advice.