#because literally everyone else in his family sounds dope as fuck

[kirkwall-age]

this is a stupid me personal thing. but Fereldan names have always driven me a little bit insane because they are a hodgepodge of different Britonnic languages with no rhyme or reason. the devs will take one name, and use all versions of it: Scottish Gaelic, Welsh, Irish, Cornish, and then some Germanic variants to boot.

which etymologically is very frustrating and sloppy world building to me. incredibly niche pet peeve, i know. but languages are my specialty and such careless use does invite questions

e.g. Mhairi, Moira, Maura, Miriam are all different language representations of the same name. how did that come about? or Wynne and Fiona being a Welsh and Irish representation of the same root, and they are in a room having a conversation, and I'm here wondering when did the language split?

one could ostensibly make a case that before Calenhad united Ferelden, all the Alamarri tribes had one single root language family but it devolved in these related but different languages

but. regardless. as I was looking up all the names and trying to map out where they fall in the actual Earth languages

i made a discovery i should have really made a long time ago

which is: i know from general history examples -- and also other fiction (*cough* Dishonored *cough*) that Teague is an Irish masculine name

based on that knowledge, I never questioned Teagan

but Teagan (also spelled as Tegan) = while most certainly related to the name above = actually follows the same logic as such names as Megan / Meagan. or Regan / Reagan. current unfortunate association with a president who ruined everything notwithstanding, Regan is King Lear's daughter. and Regan is the child protagonist of The Exorcist, a girl tormented by the demon. these are feminine names. TEAGAN is a traditionally feminine name

another OBVIOUS example being of course the ever famous sister-duo Tegan and Sara. but. based on the queerness. I kind of assumed the opposite? that it was a butch thing and she wanted to use a masc name? or that the name is just unisex and the popularity with one gender or the other changed with time, like it did for Addison, or Cameron, or Ashley. or that the spelling made a difference

but no. straight-up. historically it's a woman's name

and listen. i'm all for unexpected unisex names. Artemis Fowl? Star Trek: Discovery's Michael and Pushing Daisies' Chuck? hellyeah. my own name is traditionally masc and I'm fem-presenting

but also i'm just saying: trans!Teagan

(they did blithely retcon and canonize that Eamon and Teagan had polyamorous parents. that their father had a wife and a male lover (Connor) whom Rowan, Eamon and Teagan also considered a father. and Eamon named his son after the man. so honestly this isn't the most wild headcanon I could put forth about them)

[robinofgothamcity]

♡ "the next time i see you, it'll be in hell" / "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"

♡ pairing: connor kent (superboy/RotS) x fem! reader

♡ note: not checked for grammar or spelling mistakes / i was listening to 'esa hembra es mala' by gloria trevi so if you do speak spanish, that's a song rec while you read this fic. if you don't, listen to 'hermit the frog' by marina instead!

"connor please, you're giving ME a headache and it's only seven in the morning," his friend, jake, spoke as his hands covered his face, "wait, shut up, who is that?" connor asked, seeing you with a few friends.

jake sighed, "that's ( your name )," he spoke softly, "she's friends with everyone here. some like her, some can't stand her. it all depends on how she feels with you." you were schools resident 'popular' girl and had a bit of a following among your class.

"i'm gonna go talk to her," connor said. his friends eyes widened, "connor no!" jake screamed, grabbing his friend and pulling him back, "she's a complete bitch, don't do it!" jake exclaimed as he could tell that everything he was saying was going over connor's head.

you fixed the newspaper that had superboy's face plastered on the cover, "i just think that superboy could beat robin if i'm being honest. PLUS he's attractive because you can actually see his face," the day old conversation between you and your friends about who was the better sidekick struck up again and anyone who knew you knew how much you adored superboy.

"hey ladies," you turned to look at the boy, confused on who he was as you had never seen him around school. you gave him a small smile, "uh, hi?" you asked, "do i know you?"

the boy who approached you was wearing sunglasses which threw you off considering your school didn't allow anyone to wear them inside the building. you looked to his other friend, recognizing him as someone you had in your Calc class.

"just wanted to introduce myself, i'm connor," he said, giving you a sly smirk. you shook his hand, half awkwardly, "please i'm ( your name )," you replied as you saw the way connor gave jake a wink, "is there something you wanted or?" you asked again, not knowing why he was still here.

"no, just wanted to say hi to my future girlfriend," you let out a laugh, catching everyone off guard, "please, as if," you replied as you grabbed your friends and walked away, kind of taken back by the new boy.

"he was kinda cute," one of your friends said as you rolled your eyes, "uh, not really? kinda weird if you ask me," you replied, looking down at the newspaper, "well, i'm going to class, see ya," you said, walked towards your AP Lit class.

you sat down in the front, immediately talking to the friends you had in the class. it wasn't even five minutes later when connor entered the class, immediately smirking when he saw you. you growled, instantly annoyed at his expression.

"ah, so you've met the resident new boy?" you nodded as your friend giggled, "he's really nice. made more than a friends already," she said as you shrugged, "okay and? he had a lot of nerve coming up to me and telling me i'd be his future girlfriend," you replied.

she let out a belting laugh, "yeah, he told meghan from fifth period the same thing," you saw connor walking up to your desk and before he could make himself comfortable next to you, you instantly put your leg on the chair, "don't even think about it," you said, not even looking at him, "the desk in the back is available though," you smirked as you watched your teacher roll her eyes at your attitude.

connor bent down to your level, "don't gotta be so hostile, sweetheart, i know you like me," he whispered before getting up and leaving.

your friend, looked at you, laughing at disbelief at both of your attitudes. you rolled your eyes, trying to pay attention to the discussion as you could feel connor's eyes on you almost the entire time.

+

throughout the weeks and going into months, your relationship with connor didn't change. he arguably became the biggest pain your ass from the beginning of the day until the final bell rang. he managed to befriend a few of your friends which meant that you were around him at times.

you sipped your coffee as you were reading the newest article on superboy, "ah, ah, ah, what do we have here?" connor asked, taking the magazine from your hand, "superboy fan, huh?" he scanned the cover, a smug smirk coming onto his face as you snatched the magazine back.

"yeah, someone who's actually useful in life," you replied as he walked with you to your locker. he had never saw the inside of it and taken back by the amount of photos you had....of him, "aww, don't be that way, sweetheart! maybe one day superboy will actually give you a chance," he joked.

your annoyance instantly shot up as you slammed your locker and walking away, "see ya later sweetie!" he screamed. you stopped in the middle of the hall and flicked him off, "the next time i'll see you, it'll be in hell!" you yelled, storming off to class.

you walked into class, sitting down as your friend, henry, walked up to you, "hey babe," he said, a warm feeling crossing your face at the term of endearment, "hey henry, what're you up to?" you asked, seeing him looking at you, a bit nervously now.

"i was wondering if you were free-," before henry could say anything else, connor walked up behind him and tapping him on the shoulder. he had heard the conversation between the two of you and knew exactly where it was heading, "uh, she's not interested, better luck next time," connor stated, surprising henry with his sudden angry attitude.

henry knowing he didn't want to risk the chance of getting his ass kicked walked away from the conversation as you stared at connor with rage in your eyes, "what do you want?" you seethed as you saw connor's smirk playing on his face, "you weren't actually entertaining him, were you?" he asked in disbelief, "i literally hate you with every ounce of my being," you blurted, finally sick of connor's attitude.

his mouth hung open as you got up from the desk, "do me a favor and PLEASE leave me alone, that's all i ask," you stated as you walked out of class and deciding to ditch for the rest of the day.

"told you she was gonna blow up," jake informed as he sat down in his seat, connor still standing in place, taking in everything you had said. he knew he was being a bit of an ass but he didn't know you were that angry with him.

connor knew he had to make this up. he genuinely did like you and he didn't want to ruin his chances with you because of his shitty attitude. throughout the class period, he picked his brain for ideas until sirens went off in his head.

SUPERBOY.

he knew you were practically in love with his alter ego and he knew he could use superboy as a way to persuade you into giving him another chance. that is if he played his cards right.

+

you reluctantly showed up the next day, trying to avoid connor as best as you could. you were talking with a few friends, gossiping about the fight that superboy and robin had against a few low level villains in metropolis last night.

"hey, look at connor," jake whispered, seeing his friend practically beat up. you were taken back by his appearance as he had a few bruises on his arms and legs, "are you okay?" jake asked connor.

connor shook his head slowly, his body still recovering from the night before, "what were yall talking about?" he asked, trying to redirect the conversation. everyone looked to you, "someone was gushing about superboy, so please, if you'd continue," meghan said playfully.

"oh shut up, like you don't have robin posters all over your room," you retorted as you watched connor struggling to stay upright, "all i'm saying is that superboy remains the best sidekick there is. did you see the way he walked out of that fight scratchless and look at robin, he nearly died," you continued.

meghan instantly retorted as you noticed how eerily silent connor had became. you turned over to him, about to say something sarcastic towards him until he flopped on top of you, passing out completely. you looked down at him, "connor?" you whispered, "hey connor, wake up," you whispered, shaking him a bit.

"take him to the nurse!" jake yelled at you as you grabbed connor by the arm and pulling him against you, "fuck off, he's heavy as hell," you breathed, trying to steady his weight against you before walking slowly towards the nurse.

you made the walk to the nurse but by the time you made it, connor had woken up, "don't take me to the nurse, please," he whispered, "what are you talking about?" you exclaimed, "you clearly aren't okay and you don't look okay either," you added on.

he steered the two of you to the family bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit, "clean me up here, i really don't want to be questioned right now," he said, nothing cocky or playful in his voice. you sat him on the toilet, bending down to clean his face first, "hey, is everything okay....you know at home?" you asked.

he laughed, shaking his head, "these injuries aren't from my guardians if that's what you're wondering. i kinda got into a fight last night," you stared at him confused, "did you lose or something? these injuries look horrible," you replied.

"course i did, just took a nasty beating before i won," he said as he flinched at the rubbing alcohol hitting his arm. you muttered a sorry as you put a band-aid on a few of his cuts, "listen, i wanted to say sorry for acting like a prick," connor muttered a few minutes later.

you were taken back by his apology, "i knew i was being an ass but please don't take this as me joking but you're actually the best thing that's happened to me since i transferred," you remained silent, not knowing to respond as you put the last band-aid on his knee.

"and if i could have a second chance, that would be super dope, ya know?" he tried to say without sounding nervous, "you better not be joking, kent," you threatened, putting your finger on his chest and shoving him a bit.

connor flinched back in pain as you muttered a sorry, "i'm not joking, i'd really like to take you out for coffee sometime," he asked as he grabbed your hand and gave it a kiss. you agreed as you responded with a kiss on his cheek, "also, i had this lying around my room and figured you'd like it more than i would," he dug into his backpack and gave you a magazine.

your eyes widen seeing what it was. it was the magazine that superboy first appeared in and you had analyzed a few signatures of his to know that it was his signature on the front, "did superboy sign this?" you practically tried to contain your excitement as you ran your finger over the sharpie.

connor nodded, "i met him one time after he saved a few people in metropolis last year and got him to sign the magazine. i figured since you like hm a lot more than i do, you'd take care of it better than i would," overwhelmed with excitement, you grabbed connor by the neck and kissed him.

connor was taken back by the sudden kiss but awkwardly responded with another kiss as you held the magazine close to your chest, "i can't thank you enough for this connor," you whispered, your lips still on his a bit. he chuckled, "just meet me at the coffee shop near the school and that'll suffice," he replied, giving you another kiss before slowly getting up.

"now lets get to our second period before we get marked truant again," he grabbed your hand and held it as softly as possible, "you know how much shit our friends are gonna give us, right?" you said, laughing a bit. connor nodded, "nothing we can't handle," he replied as he squeezed your hand in reassurance.

[colorfullfalls]

Me & You

Summary: Calum’s best friend internally pinned after him for years. At a party she finds out that Calum is seeing someone and her heart breaks. Except Harry Styles is there to make her feel better.

Calum and Y/N. A phrase heard so much to the people that knew them. Growing up as neighbors, they were the definition of a team. Y/N was the one who taught Calum how to whistle, he taught her how to ride a bike. Childhood memories engraved in their minds bonded the two together like magnets.

Calum took Y/N with them when they left as a band. She had a rough life at home and he wanted her out of there. Since then the Hood’s and the band became her family.

“Y/N, what are you doing? That is not how to hang up a balloon.” Calum laughed out, pointing to the balloon that was only half taped on.

She blew hair out of her face, her hands falling to rest on her waist. She gave him an exasperated look, “How else do you suppose to do it, Hood? You can’t put a tack in it, it’ll pop!”

Calum playfully pushed her out of the way and tacked the part that was tied off to keep the air from zooming out. He successfully completed the task and gave her a smug grin.

“It’s almost like it worked...”

She shoved his shoulder as she walked past him to stir the Buffalo dip in the crock pot, “Fuck off mate, I really tried my best.”

Calum paused at her words. He knew she was joking and her tone matched, but he did feel sort of bad. When he called her to ask about throwing a surprise party for Ashton’s birthday, she immediately was on board. She bought decorations, the cake, and helped him invite everyone. She really was trying her best.

“You are the most wonderful friend I’ll ever have.” He softly said, turning her to bop her nose before giving her a hug.

Her insides fluttered at the way his voice sounded so honest. She already loved him with all of heart and him saying shit like that didn’t help it. Because she over thought things- well everything. Especially when it came to them and their friendship.

All the other boys in the band had serious girlfriends that they were building their life with. Sure, Cal had girlfriends along the way- much to her dismay, but he wasn’t seeing anyone and hadn’t in about two years or so. Maybe he was holding out for her? She knew it was a outlandish idea but was it really? They grew up together, did everything together, and she developed feelings so was it too wild if he did too?

She relished the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. He smelled so nice all of the time and the scent was uniquely just him. Her trust in people was hesitant due to her parents but Calum was the one true person who she was completely vulnerable to. The boys were close but not to the level of trust she gave to the man in front of her.

He pulled away when he heard the bell ring, “People are arriving, my lovely Y/N. Shall we go greet them?” Calum mocked in a posh accent.

An hour later everyone was finally at the party, well besides Ashton. Y/N saw that Harry Styles was there and she offered him a smile as he walked up next to her. He gave her a warm hug, his hands resting comfortably against her back. His warm skin burned through her shirt and she mentally sighed when he pulled away.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen eachotha love.” He said, offering his boyish grin that killed his fans.

Her and Harry hung out during the tour when 5sos joined them. While the boys were playing on stage, he would stand and watch with her. During that tour they became pretty good friends, and he did his best to keep up with her. Only a few noticed, but Harry always kept his eye out for her, but it was hard to get her without Calum.

“Last I saw you, you were just about to release Fine Line.” She spoke.

“I remember, ran into you while walking home. Have you listened to any of it?” He asked almost sheepishly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Y/N now just noticed how nicely dressed he was. His black flowy pants went well his nice long sleeve butto up baby blue shirt. The first couple buttons were undone to reveal his beautiful chest. She felt her eyes drift, but quickly looked up at his green eyes.

She wasn’t stupid, Harry was absolutely beautiful. His beauty radiated and his personality amplified that by one thousand. He was mature, deep, and kind but also had a playful boyish side. And sass, lots of sass added to it. He made sure to check up on her weekly and she knew that he would help her with anything she asked.

She’d fall for him if it wasn’t for Calum.

“Harry, who hasn’t heard that whole album in it’s entirety? It’s amazing, man! Cherry melted me in the best way. Putting Camille’s voice in it? Genius. You put your heart into your music and it really shows...” you blushed slightly as you realized that you just gushed over him.

He shrugged his shoulders at your praise in the humble way that only Harry Styles could. His green eyes twinkled in the light at the idea of Y/N adoring his album. Songs that were a part of him.

He wanted to admit that Sunflower, Vol 6. and Golden were about her. That she inspired him to form lyrics that made people feel the same love he felt. She was his muse and she didn’t even know it. Harry wanted to tell her, but he wasn’t blind. Something was between her and Calum.

He respected Calum and didn’t want to interfere, but it was hard when his feelings never went away. And not there she stood so pretty in front of him, telling her that she listened to his music. That she loved Cherry. It was ironic that she mentioned the one about his ex but not the the two written solely about his thoughts surrounding her.

“Means so much to me that you enjoy it. I was actually wondering if you wanted to co-write a song with me for my next album?” He said, his left hand playing with the rings on his right.

Her lips quirked into a pure smile, “Me? Harry..”

“Don’t be bashful, I know you help write with the boys, even if you don’t let the public know.. Ash told me about it when we got drunk a year ago.” He admitted.

She scoffed, “I’m gonna hurt him....”

“So, what do you say? It can literally be about anything. It’ll be perfect. I’ll even buy you dinner over it.”

She paused before replying. Helping Harry with a song sounded fun and like a good opportunity to actually work with other artists, but it was a vulnerable thing. Sure, the two have had deep talks while high or drunk, but this would be a whole different thing. The last song she had worked on was Best Years and she thought of Calum the whole time writing it. That’s why it was so easily to spill out because he was across from her the whole time.

“If I write a song with you, do you promise to make sure I don’t get too drunk tonight? Because I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and doing that hungover would just suck...” she said, making Harry clap in excitement.

“We have a deal, love.”

He extended his hand and they shook on it.

Y/N glanced over to where Calum was when she saw an unfamiliar woman standing beside him. She didn’t recognize her and honestly she was confused. Calum always told her when he met someone and he never told Y/N about her.

Harry followed her gaze and noticed the woman too, “Who’s that?”

Y/N crossed her arms, “No freaking clue...”

Calum caught their eyes and waved before grabbing her hand and brining her to them. Y/N’s eyes widened at their intertwined fingers, emotional pain twisting around her guts.

“Hey guys, this is my girlfriend, Maya.”He said, raising their joint hands as they both smiled from ear to ear. Y/N wanted to puke.

Maya was wicked beautiful. Her short baby blue hair matched Harry’s button up shirt. The color suddenly seemed unappealing to Y/N. Not only was Maya’s hair cool, but she had a dope septum piercing and had piercings and tattoos. Her beautiful hazel eyes smiled with genuine kindness and Y/N wanted to run away.

Calum was dating someone, but it wasn’t her. Y/N scolded herself for not preparing herself for this exact situation. Calum Hood was a beautiful man with a beautiful heart and wicked talent, of course he would find someone. She had just been dumb enough believe it would’ve been her.

Calum sensed Y/N’s unease and he suddenly felt bad for not giving her a heads up. He started seeing Maya two months ago and wanted to make sure it was solid before he had her meet the people so dear to him. He realized that was a mistake.

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” Harry stated what Y/N wanted to but couldn’t.

Calum sheepishly shrugged as he looked at the hurt on his best friend’s face, “Sometimes things are better kept a secret.”

Anger swirled around Y/N like quicksand encapsulating her entire body. She wanted to punch him. Couldn’t he see the pain in her eyes and he had to joke about it and say something stupid like that? How could he be so daft about how she felt for him? He was her world.

She loved him with all of her being; however, at this moment she wanted to never see him again. She wasn’t the best at handling her emotions, so this pain transferred to anger.

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Sometimes friendships aren’t what you think they are. It was nice meeting you, Maya. Come on, Harry.”

She grabbed Harry’s hand and stalked off to the balcony of the house. The British lad followed silently behind her, willing to do anything she needed. As selfish as it was, he was glad to be the one she seemed comfort from.

Crocodile tears slipped out of her eyes as she wiped at them in an embarrassed and frustrated manor. She looked out at the hills of California and grumbled under her breath about love being dumb. Harry quietly shut the sliding glass door and walked over to lean on the railing beside her.

“You’re in love with him.” He softly stated.

She let out a pitiful laugh, “That obvious?”

He didn’t reply for a moment. Instead he took the time to observe her, and his heart stung at the sight in front of him. Her eyes were no longer the vast universe before him that made him believe that life was eternal, instead they were a sunken wasteland filled with sorrow.

Her knuckles were white from how hard she was making fists and her leg was bouncing up and down with anxiety. Harry recalled the one other time he saw her like this. It was when they got a late dinner together and her mom somehow called her.

He hated seeing her upset then and he hates it even more now.

“If you don’t show that you care about someone, you’re not human. Calum is your best friend that has been by your side, it’s natural to catch feelings. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it either, hun. Your feelings are valid, it’s understandable to be crushed right now.” His hands gently took hers and flattened them out so that hers would no longer be in fists.

“I’m in love with him.” She choked out, turning to maneuver herself into his embrace. His strong arms wrapped around her back and she clutched tightly to his shirt. She felt the skin of his chest against her cheek as she nuzzled into him.

Sobs shook her body as his left hand rose to lovingly play with her hair. Y/N was glad that Harry was there for her in this time. She knew she couldn’t go to one of the boys because it wasn’t fair to put them in the middle of this.

“I know, I know.” He muttered, glancing inside the house to see that Calum was standing with Luke and Michael. The three boys were starting back at him, all of their faces held regret.

“I-I thought that maybe he loved me too. Every song we wrote, I thought of him. His little gifts and sudden spurs of adventure he whisked me away on, I thought that it was special between us..”

Harry’s heart felt like it got punched. The girl he was head over heels was currently heart broken over his friend. He wanted to tell Calum off for missing out on what he absolutely wished he could have. Calum had his dream girl wrapped around his finger and the dude didn’t even know it.

Harry himself was surprised that Calum wasn’t in love with her too. She was just.. the best. She was adaptive to their life style, good with the fame aspect of their life, she was nerdy in the best ways, so humble and grateful that it was intoxicating to be around her, and she was so genuine. Calum was a fool to not see what was right in front of him. Blind not to see that such a wonderful human being loved him with every fucking inch of her soul.

He saw Calum move towards the door and Harry felt an instinct to get Y/N the hell away from him. He didn’t want her to have to see him and he knew that he couldn’t even look Calum in the eyes without feeling anger even if it wasn’t exactly fair.

Calum hesitated when he saw the death glare that Harry was unknowingly giving him.

Calum knew that Harry was smitten with his best friend. It was apparent that Harry always went out of his way to call her or get drinks when he was home. Hell, Harry had sent her a gift when he went to Japan because he knew it was her favorite place when she went with the band. It was zero surprise that he would feel protective over a crying Y/N.

Calum just wanted to talk to her.

Luke and Michael walked over with somber eyes as they noticed that this situation would not be dealt with tonight.

“Calum, don’t go out there. She’s hurt, man. Give her some time.” Luke gently warned, grabbing his arm.

“I feel so bad. I know she’s hurt but I didn’t think she would be this hurt from me not telling her that I met Maya. I thought maybe she would be a bit happy for me..” he trailed off at Luke’s facial expression.

“She’s fucking in love with you, mate. Why are you the only one who doesn’t see that?” Luke raised his hands in an exasperated manner.

“What?! No? Y/N? She’s not in love with me. It’s not like that.” Calum defended, glancing over at his best friend in the world sobbing in Harry’s arms.

“Seriously Cal?” Michael deadpanned, “You can’t be that stupid.”

Calum rolled his eyes, “Wouldn’t I fucking know if my best friend was in love with me?”

Michael laughed sarcastically as Luke awkwardly shoved his hands in his pockets. Calum sighed at their behavior.

“Apparently not mate. You know how it’s obvious to us that Harry fancies Y/N? Well we could tell when it came to her with you.” Michael explained.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Why couldn’t I tell?” Calum asked.

Luke blew air out of his mouth as he tried to think of how to explain it, “Cal, it wasn’t for us to say. God, you and Y/N pick the worst times to be in love with each other.”

Calum’s tongue poked out to wet his lips. He was annoyed that Luke even brought that up. Growing up Calum was enamored by his beautiful Y/N and he knew that he was in love with her when he was about sixteen years old. She was so supportive and always there, and she made the rough times optimistic and fun.

Unluckily for him, at the time he realized they were on tour with one direction and she went off with Harry a lot. Calum felt like he couldn’t compete so he didn’t say anything. Plus he felt sick at the idea of scaring her off. Over time he got over it and moved on because he was sure she didn’t feel the same way.

Now years later she falls in love with him?

“Things would’ve been easier if I would’ve went for it as a teenager... huh?” Cal asked, dumbfounded.

“Probably. Do you... do you still feel the same way? Because you got Y/N out there crying and Maya over there trying to talk to people she doesn’t know.” Luke pointed over to Maya.

Calum couldn’t help but smile over at his girlfriend. He felt so warm and fuzzy around her. She was so fucking cool, and he was proud that she was here with him. But that feeling was dulled down when he looked out on the balcony. Seeing Y/N cry could ruin his happiness at any time.

But it wasn’t because he was in love with her. He used to be, but now he fiercely loved her in a family kind of way. He forced himself to move on from her and the damage was already done. He desperately wished that she would’ve felt the same back in the day because maybe things would’ve worked out. But now he has a girlfriend and she’s out on his balcony crying.

“I’m not in love with her, but I care about her more than probably anyone else.” Calum admitted, “It fucking hurts to see her so upset.”

The door opened up and Ashton walked in, his hand came up to his chest from being startled at how many people were in the apartment. He grinned as Calum walked over and gave him a hug.

“Happy birthday, mate.” He said.

Ashton giggled, “You fucker!” He pulled Calum into a tight hug of appreciation.

Y/N stopped crying when she saw Ashton walk inside. Ashton deserved this party and she wasn’t about to ruin it. He was the type of friend that would do anything for anyone. He was the sun coordinating the planets, making them more efficiently. At the same time he was the moon, luring over loved ones in dark times to offer any sort of help; emotional or physical.

Ashton deserved all the good in this world and she wasn’t about to fuck it up over crying over a man. She thought about all the tik toks joking about gagging after crying over men, and that made her feel a bit better.

Y/N would suck it up for now and go give Ashton a hug because he was worth it.

Harry pulled away slightly when he saw that Ashton arrived too. He glanced down at Y/N and she gave him a small nod and a smile.

Harry once read that your body naturally rejects a potential mate that isn’t a match. Effects are; nervousness, unease, and weariness. Apparently the theory goes that if someone is right for you, being around them gives off a sense of contentment and peace. You don’t have to get overly excited around them to the point that you feel sick. Rather you sense of feeling at home with them.

That’s how Harry felt with Y/N. His past girlfriends he loved-sure. He was heartbroken when things ended with Camille, but he didn’t have that sense of calmness with her. Not like he had around Y/N.

He was utterly fucking stuck on her. She was the one.

He managed to feel this way for years without it ever going away. That had to mean something. His mom once told him that shit happens for a reason. Calum not loving her back like that could shift her to Harry. And as fucked up as that idea was, and how down right cruel it was, he hoped it was true.

“I need to go see Ash..” she paused, glancing up into his green eyes. Right then Harry knew that she was about to ask him to go along with her.

“Let’s go, c’mon love. I’m right here with ya.” He soothingly assured, grabbing her hand.

Together the pair made their way inside to where the party was happening. Y/N noticed that Maya was standing beside Calum, his arm wrapped around her waist. She clutched tightly onto Harry’s hand as a sharp pain zapped her in the chest. His thumb rubbed against her skin in reassurance.

“Y/N’s coming.” Michael whispered to Calum. He immediately dropped his arm from around his waist and shot a look to Maya saying that he would explain at a different time.

He tried to offer a smile to his sad friend but she refused to meet his eyes. Instead she moved to stand by Ashton, causing the groups attention to go to her. No one failed to notice Harry’s hand was gripping Y/N’s.

Harry seemed like a protective guard dog that was on edge when a stranger walked past its owner.

“There you are! I was wondering where the hell you were! Also, I’m gonna kill you, Cal said you did most of the work for this.” Ash teased, making Y/N’s lips quirk into a genuine grin.

“You’re gonna kill me? No buddy, it’s the other way around! You told Harry that I helped write your albums.” She accusingly joked, jabbing the black haired man in front of her on his chest.!

Ashton burst into laughter, “Harry, mate, that was a secret. Cant trust no one..”

Harry smiled in his charming boyish way, his red nails on show as he lifted his hands to shrug as if it was no big deal, “Maybe I wanted a share of her writing talent.”

Michael looked at Luke with wide eyes. Holy shit, Harry just pulled out a wild card. Could the British man not even hide how enamored he was with their friend? Michael admired his confidence to ask Y/N to write with him. Writing was something you had to have complete trust in with a person, and the proccess undoubtedly bonded souls.

Y/N blushed after Harry’s claim that her writing held any sort of talent. She usually went with the flow and the words poured out.

“You gonna do it? Help him write a song?” Luke asked

“She said yes. Unless she was fuckin’ with meh.” Harry said, side eyeing the woman next to him. He saw her laugh and he internally gave himself bonus points for being able to do that while she was so down in the dumps.

“Dinners involved with the deal so I jumped on it.” Her attention turned to Harry, “As long as it’s not Chick-tik-A. Their food sucks and they’re a company against homosexuals.... that’s a no from me dawg.”

Harry smiled, knowing that Y/N was feeling better.

“That’s great, bub. I’m super proud of you. I know the song will be a fucking hit.” Calum said, shifting his head to look at her.

For the first time she raised her eyes and sadly smiled at him, “Thanks Cal...”

****************

Months later and Y/N was truly doing better. Her heart still hurt a bit from Calum but she was gradually getting over it. Seeing him wasn’t to the same point of familiarity as it used to be, but the two friends were working it out as best as they could.

And truth be told, Y/N liked Maya. Maya was honestly a good match for Calum, as annoying as it was.

And Y/N didn’t have time to be upset because Harry had her too busy with constant adventures and late nights. She appreciated it. She appreciated him.

Tonight he took her to the poetry cafe that they liked. It’s small little place at the end of L.A. He said he found it one day when he was walking alone, pretty sad and feeling alone. Stumbled across the joint and found a deep connection to it. He explained how much it meant to him and it soon became important to her too.

The dim glowing lights brought upon a comforting blanket of support and trust to whomever dared to enter such a vulnerable place. Those who stood on the pedestal of expression compiled their feelings into a glorious ballad.

Harry and Y/N sat at the small table in the back, matching style ball caps sat upon their heads. His a pretty purple and hers a yellow. He told her that it would be better if they kept their identies more hidden.

Their chairs were moved to sit closer next to each other so that their hands could intertwine. They held hands a lot because it was comforting and felt so so so right. His thumb rubbed against her hand as another young woman stood up to go.

I was alone

Felt like no one cared

Ate dinner for one and cried tears enough for two

But something changed in my life

Because there was you

Y/N stopped listening as the woman’s words soaked past her skin, muscles, bones, and swirled to embed into her soul. These words were ones that she personally related with. Sure she had friends but she was so lonely when it came to romance. Until recently.

She wasn’t certain what was going on with her and Harry, but she felt herself caring more and more until the point that he became her number one. She talked to him the most, saw him the most, and for fucks sake she thought about him the most.

He seemed to always be on her mind. If she found a cute sweater she would think about how Harry would wear it with his pearl necklace. Saw a dog? Awh, he would love to pet it. Tasted red wine? She’d think about the time that he spilled it on his counter and acted surprised when she licked it off, claiming that it couldn’t go to waste. If she looked at anyone attractive, she couldn’t help compare them to Harry.

It was exciting. Moving on from Calum and to Harry was new and it brought upon a lot of foreign feelings. As great as all that was, there was a worrisome idea lodged in her head. Could Harry just be acting as a good friend like Calum had? She wasn’t sure and she was too much of a wuss to figure it out.

Harry detached his hand to start clapping along with the crowd as the woman said her thank you and walked off the stage. Y/N blinked back to reality as Harry turned to her.

“That was beautiful, really raw and genuine.” He spoke, offering a smile that showed his perfectly arranged white teeth.

“Yeah, it- it really was.” She was doing a horrible job at convincing him that she actually paid attention to it.

“Love, I’m not incompetent , I know you weren’t listening- you’re too caught up in ya head. What’s going in there?” His fingers slotted within hers, his blue nails the same shade as hers. She painted both sets last night when she went over for dinner.

How could a woman look at a man and explain that she was falling in love with him, but she was scared because last time she was in love she got hurt- she thinks she loves him but she doesn’t want him to think he was a rebound.

She felt humiliated, her eyes avoiding his. The open sign on the window was suddenly the most amazing thing to look at.

“Y/N, dear? Talk to me.” His lips were so close to her ear that she could feel his breath when he spoke.

“My heart is in your hands and that’s fucking terrifying to me because, well, we saw how that went last time.” She muttered, still not looking at him but rather the other people there with their significant others.

Harry was suddenly standing up and pulling her out of the small cafe during a poetic interpretation about being bound to your family.

Her heart dropped to her stomach as the wind bit at her soft skin. She fucked up. She really stupendously fucked this good thing that was going on between them. She must’ve misinterpreted his good nature for feelings and was a stupid bitch that fell for it.

He pulled out the outside patio chair and sat her down. She gave him a quizzical look as he moved her legs apart so that he could sit in between them on the concrete.

Reseda green windows to the soul gazed into her, tears pooling around them. His cheeks were puffy and red. He was visibly upset.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to make you cry like this, I shouldn’t have said anything to you-“ she rambled in desperate need to fix this situation before she lost him completely.

“Shhh. Not the least bit upset, ‘m crying because you’re my soulmate.”

Her eyes widened in shock, a forceful cough ripping out of her throat at his confession. He soothed her, handing her his water to take a sip. She waved his hand away to signal that she was fine.

“Mum told me that Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your soul mate, you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation. First time we shared a conversation i only felt peace and contentment. When I’m not with you, my mindset is off. I don’t like being away from you for long. I worry if you’re okay or I wonder if you are reading a book that’s making you sad. You get so into your books, love. The empathy doesn’t stop when it comes to characters.”

She slightly laughed as she recalled the time he waltzed in on her crying because your character in your book was alone on their birthday. He immediately was making her a cup of tea and bugging her about if something happened with work.

“I’ve been waiting for you for years. Honestly was hopelessly pinning after you. Like everyone knew but you. So when you admit you feel the same way...I got emotional.” He softly said, playing with the rings on his hand.

Her hands itched to be the ones twisting his fingers around. So she did. His hands melted into the skin of hers as he grabbed them. Her thumb twirled his left middle finger’s black band. He blushed at the feeling. She did tend to do this when they were submerged in a deep conversation.

“You’re an emotional man, Har. Endearingly so. I admire it more than you’d think.” She retorted.

Harry sat up so that he was sitting more on his knees so that he was closer. His face closer to hers. She could smell his cologne infiltrate her senses. She wished she could bathe in his sun-like presence forever.

“I happen to admire that you admire me.” He teased, blinking as more tears fell down his godlike sculpted face.

“You’re still crying, you’re gonna make me emotional.” She laughed as tears were starting to build up in her own ducts. This was really intimate and she was getting mushy.

“Can’t help it. Jus’ soft cuz of you.”

Her hands shifted to grab the collar of his coat, pulling it until his lips were melting into hers He hummed is satisfaction, his hands shifting to cup Y/N’s face to bring her closer. It was a desperate kiss, the kind where emotion tries to convey the feelings not able to form into words.

His lips molded to her, trying to memorize the taste for the rest of his days. His nose was shoved against her cheek as he slipped his tongue in, sliding it against hers greedily, finally doing this after dreaming of it for years. She pulled away for air, his lips chasing hers in a drunken daze.

“Let me breathe for a sec.” she gently pushed him away with her palm pressed against his face. He laughed, leaning back.

“Used to think singing on stage was the best feeling, but that was before I got to kiss those sweet lips. Just one more peck?” He made kissy faces in her direction.

“Thank you.”

His face scrunched up in confusion, “what?”

“Thank you for.. being there. Taking care of me like you do. Making me laugh by being dumb. Especially for buying pizza rolls in bulk. I know you don’t like them as much as you let on. But I do and you do it for me. Means a lot.”

“Anything for you, m’love,” He stood up and led out a hand, “Me and you. Please let that be the rest of my life.”

Y/N decided in that moment that Calum Hood getting a girlfriend was the best thing to ever happen to her.

Part 2?

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Do you think that if Shredder!Raph will occur in rottmnt, the aftermath might result in Raph inheriting some of Shredder’s rage even after saved? Maybe that is how the crew is going to implement Raph’s trademark temper throughout previous generations and maybe even make him have to step down due to it, making Leo the new leader?

Short answer: “Inheriting the rage of a centuries-old demon" is a dope-ass idea, so if you’re a writer I would definitely encourage you to use that in your own stuff. But I think that if Raph’s temper worsens throughout the show, it should be because of his own character development and not a magical effect. However, a Shredder!Raph scenario could contribute to said worsening temper by inflicting emotional/psychological damage instead. :)

Long answer ahoy!

Looking at “Many Unhappy Returns” from the Shredder’s perspective makes it very clear why he does what he does. Like, he’s been dead for five hundred years, and then something went wrong with his resurrection. He’s waking up with no idea where he is or what’s going on and oh shit those guys are pointing weapons at him, that’s a threat!

Note that he doesn’t even bolt for them immediately, he does a warning stomp and screech (back off!) before starting to approach.

Those other guys are yelling, that’s also a threat,

and they’re closer so he’s gonna attack them first, actually. (None of the Foot wind up even comically injured, suggesting that flailing them around was an intimidation tactic rather than genuine Murderous Intent.)

And then the first group attacks, so of course he’s going to retaliate.

And then suddenly he’s somewhere else, with other threats (the animatronics), and then the first group that attacked him is back, so he’s gonna fight them again.

And these jerks just keep following him? He’s not going to ignore that. And WOW that’s a lot of bright lights and loud noises, which are also threats, what the fuck is going on?!

And then this tiny human girl chucks a giant metal box at him, holy SHIT?! Sure, the Shredder is a dangerous antagonist, but at this point I wouldn’t call him a “bad guy”, he’s literally just responding to what’s happening to him.

In summary, the Shredder was stressed tf out because he didn’t know where he was or what was happening, he retaliated against perceived threats, and quite possibly wouldn’t have attacked the turtles in the first place if they hadn’t just rushed in without understanding the situation.

Gosh, doesn’t that sound familiar?

So yeah, I’m waiting for Rise to give us that good good Shredder!Raph content.

As for the possibility of Leo taking over afterwards... no, but also yes, sort of? On the one hand, we know that Leo does have leadership capabilities, and it would be a waste for the narrative to not explore that. On the other hand, Rise has broken from the status quo in many ways, and it would also be a waste for the show to do a complete 180 and return to Leo Being The Leader™.

Consider how the “leader” role has influenced Leo in past iterations: his perfectionism wears on him and his brothers, any failure tanks his self-esteem, he feels isolated from the rest due to taking on such a large share of responsibility, being an authority figure grinds everyone’s gears, etc. It’s just bad for his mental health.

No doubt all this responsibility will also wear on Rise!Raph as the story progresses and the stakes get higher. It will be bad for him as well. But if Raph steps down, Leo will once again suffer from the weight of this role. So if neither option is quite correct, if neither brother can shoulder the burden of leadership alone, then the solution is just... for neither of them to shoulder the burden of leadership alone. Sure, Raph will probably remain leader in title and in spirit, but Leo taking on a sort of “deputy” role makes sense from a strategic standpoint, and would be good for his character development.

Here’s how I think it could go down:

The Shredder!Raph scenario will be different from the Shredder!Draxum scenario. The Shredder was starved for mystic energy the first time around, so he immediately chewed Draxum up and spit him out. But Raph could be compared more to a battery than a meal; it will take a while for the Shredder to drain him. And at this point the Shredder could be back in “evil samurai” mode, and thus will understand the value of holding Raph hostage.

Y’all who have followed my blog for a bit know about my “Raph is a system” theory; that when he was little, he got separated from his family and pursued by some cryptid hunter. This trauma formed Savage Raph, who is able to handle “being lost/alone/threatened” when Host Raph cannot. “Pizza Puffs” didn’t give us a lot of info about who I’m calling “Red Raph”, but he made his presence known when Host Raph was sort of... "emotionally alone”? In that his brothers were dying a little bit and too stoned to care.

So if Raph is trapped inside a living cage, scared and helpless and hurt and exhausted, his family unable to help him... he’s not going to be able to handle it.

Or, rather, Host Raph isn’t going to be able to handle it.

These two can, though.

I’m imagining a scene in the mindscape where the Shredder says something like “Your pathetic family cannot bear to strike you down, and so there is nothing that can stand in m- wait, why are there three of you OW FUCK-” Red and Savage will mentally kick his ass long enough for the other turtles to rip off a chunk of the armor so Leo can portal it into another dimension or something. Shredder gets K.O.’d since he’s not whole anymore, and the battle is won.

Since the armor didn’t drain Raph as severely as it did Draxum, he won’t become as weak as Draxum did. However, it will still take him some time to recover. Raph trusts Leo in serious moments as of “Many Unhappy Returns”, and he already took charge when Raph wasn’t available back in “Man vs. Sewer”. So Raph will be like, “Hey Leo, can you handle the Mad Dogs for a bit? Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.” And Leo will be like, “Sure bro, I’ve got this.”

He does not, in fact, “got this”. Leo’s ego has caused trouble before (”Shell in a Cell”, “Minotaur Maze”), and being in charge will no doubt go to his head. This has the potential for both comedy and seriousness, leading to wacky mishaps and genuine danger. Being the leader is hard work and it’s not always fun, but someone has to do it and Leo will have to put the others before himself for it to get done. Once Leo realizes this, he could bond with Raph by asking for his advice on leadership. Sometimes Leo will follow the advice and sometimes he won’t, sometimes that will work out and sometimes it won’t, laying the foundation for the idea that there are situations where it will be better for one or the other to lead, rather than having one lead all the time. But that will only happen for a few episodes, because Raph will heal quickly and he’ll be the leader again and everything will be fine!

Everything will not, in fact, be fine. Raph is the strongest in the family, the tank, the one who can take a hit so the smaller ones don’t have to... the idea of being hurt, of being weak, scares him because his family is also in danger if he’s unwell. So I don’t think he’ll acknowledge to anyone, not even himself, that getting possessed hurt him emotionally as well as physically. And when a wound isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t get tended to, and when a wound isn’t tended to, it gets worse.

That he’s a system will add another layer of complexity to this. The Shredder!Raph incident would make all the alters aware of each other via mindscape shenanigans, but it would also leave them with the fear of not being in control, so I think they’ll come in conflict with each other for a bit. They’ll argue with themselves, switch, and lose time more often, enough that it impedes their ability to function and the other characters start to notice something is wrong.

Host Raph will convince himself that Everything Is Fine and try to get things “back to normal”, which probably means he’s just straight-up not going to acknowledge that he's a system. He’ll rationalize that he’s always “gotten weird” from time to time, so it’s nothing to think too hard about... right?

Savage Raph will be on high alert because they just survived a near-death (a near soul-destroying) experience. He’ll probably take the front and go overboard fighting some villains that Host Raph could have ordinarily fought on his own. It might also take a while to convince Savage Raph that these “sewer monsters” who keep following him around really don’t mean him any harm.

Red Raph will get snappy (pardon the pun) about the more social aspect of “not being in control”; that Host Raph asked Leo to be in charge and then Leo started being an egotistical dumbass. And when Leo does make the right decisions, Donnie and Mikey might side with him over Raph, and that will also grind his gears.

Mix all that together and you have a recipe for a capital b Breakdown.

So yeah, I can definitely see how the Shredder!Raph incident and its aftermath would worsen all three of their tempers, trauma will fuck up your emotions real bad. Perhaps Host Raph loses faith in himself and tries to step down and get Leo to replace him as leader... only for Leo to be like “Bro I cannot do this full time I will one hundred percent have my own Breakdown if that happens.”

The life lessons here are that Leo learns to offer support by sometimes taking the leader role; not to benefit his own ego, but because he wants to help Raph. And Raph learns to accept support by letting Leo be in charge sometimes; not because he’s weak or incapable, but because he can’t always be a Staunch Immovable Rock and he needs to let himself rest by trusting Leo.

And then the Raphs can work on communicating, cooperating, letting their allies know about them, digging into their trauma, etc. now that they have some breathing room.

(Do you think the Hidden City has therapists? Steven Universe and Mao Mao both have therapists can we BLEASE get one for Raph.)

[sastrugie]

john entwistle biography review

ok so first: I didnt really like the biography because I thought it would focus on totally different aspects. John was a musical virtuoso and that hardly ever gets mentioned in the book. But we get exact axccounts on how much money he spent on what day and in which pub he bought which champagne. like wow thanks. The other personal stuff is basic who knowledge you can read in any other Who biography. His autobiographical bits were joy and fun! Maybe the only reason to buy the book in my opinion. He writes totally different than the author...

ANYWAYS: here my fav facts from the book that you probably didnt know before

this is the face of a man who -when his father gave him driving lessons for his 21st birthday as a present- decided driving wasnt really his thing and he spent the money on clothes and parties instead. He never had a drivers license ever and also never desired to have one 

the hospital he was born in, was bombarded and destructed one day after his birth

as a child he was really weak and thin and had basically every disease that existed

his family was poor af

his father left the family early and held contact with his son, but soon disappeared with a new family

his stepdad, Gordon, disliked John alot and would ignore him, hated everything John did or said and he let his bad moods out on Johns mother, which caused John to be very silent and observative around the house so that there wouldnt be any trouble

he did everything to please Queenie (his mom) so that there was no fighting, according to Alison

loved drawing and playing but usually alone since he had no friends apart from their dog

he heard a trumpet solo once from a trad jazz band when he was 6 or so and decided he wanted to learn the trumpet

my fav line of the book probably: “despite his own expectations, he passed the exams to go to grammar school” like same

at school he was bullied from the older boys but soon left alone by them because he would fight back with badass comments 

he applied for the school band for the trumpet but the tallest guy in the year was chosen (he was the 2nd tallest)  which made John mad, but he discovered the french horn

soon he found a friend, mickey brown, at last and he gave him the nickname “ent”

he was so terrible in P.E that he was dismissed with other pupils to play somehwere else, they were called “the hockey misfits” and guess who was among them: Pete Townshend.

yeah as you might know they became besties because they loved music and black humour.

he found himself a gf (alison) and Pete & a school gang (like 4 ppl) and his life seemed to finally get where it should.

his worst subjects were geography and german like wow (im a german geography student lmao)

once they played in a pub and johns stepdad was there and was super angry and gave john a list with his fav pubs and told him “these are the places I never want to hear your fucking music playing”.

after walking home pete decided to switch the guitar and john wanted to become a musician more than ever

Roger found him and John kind of convinced him (it took months apparently) to get Pete into the band and then it all started

he judged the beatles because John Lennons harmonica was “out of tune” in love me do, wow ok you nerd

john started smoking with 20 and was the last one to quit his job for the band and he was against drugs at first (bc he had a “civilized” job) but then decided to give a shit, dyed his hair black, bought cigarettes, smoked dope with pete and did speed too

he wanted to step out of himself and feel good about himself and he was always a fashionnerd so he started buying and trading and selling clothes (he once was dismissed from school bc he wore the school uniform incorrectly)

with 18 or so he was still living at home, had a toy soldier collection and a pet budgie

pete and his college friends made fun of john bc he wasnt a student and still lived at home, although john could have gone to college too and he wanted to, but his stepdad again said no and he had no choice.

he was very awkward and introverted but could open up with his music 

he was really into pop art (esp pop art clothes)

was a pseudo mod bc he only liked the fancy clothes and motown music

with the who he found a purpose in his life and finally could be different than ordinary ppl

hated when people touched his hair, he literally hated it

would fuss much about his hair in general

once after a concert they were starving and the room service was alreday home so they had to look on used plates and food wagons and John found a shrimp and said: “who wants to dine with me tonight?” (idk that really made me laugh)

keith moon was john entwistles soulmate and they were the cutest, most iconic and funniest duo ever end of discussion

his amps would soon be called little manhatten bc he had so many bc he wanted to be loud

he actually went to sing at church once when he was like 24 and the band made fun of him then he stopped

in the late 60s he bought a house with alison in a normal neighbourhood and went walking the dogs on sundays and stuff

but he was a party animal and always the last to go

he was really sensitive and cried often according to Alison but only in front of certain people

he would totally step out of his way to please people

when they played at the monterey pop festival they didnt bring their own amps along and john was furious bc he said the american amps are shit and kit was like “no” and john didnt talk to him for the whole festival until their perfomance was over and they had sounded like shit to tell kit “I TOLD YOU SO” thats how extra he was

when he got money he would spend it bc he was so used to being poor that he thought it wouldnt last long and he had to enjoy it NOW

he was always calm and everyone respected him and kit told a story where he entered the room and roger was at keiths throat and and pete was screaming something and john was sitting in the corner cleaning his nails. thats who energy

liked to dance at parties

his fav drink was rémy cognac with 40% and he would drink like 1 bottle alone everyday in his later years...wow dude

he was also gentlemanTM and once paid taxis for girls from london to brighton after a party

once at a wedding the free drinks were out and John just gave the barkeeper his creditcard and said he will pay for all the drinks of the night for everyone (it wasnt his wedding)

Roger once said: “John made smartass comments that deserved a punch in the face” sounds like him yes

he didnt really care about money and always wanted to pay and never told anyone how much things had cost and brought gifts for everyone

soon that ended in a shopping addiction tho and he bought ridiculous things for ridiculous amounts of money

when the who was inactive he sank into depression :(

held the band together during who by numbers & who are you

wrote and played all the quadrophenia horn parts himself

never lost his passion for art and always drawed alot, said Alison

cried when Christopher was born aww

once he saw their manager in an art museum and how he wanted to buy a painting but couldnt afford it, so John bought it secretly and shipped it to said managers home as a gift

We all know John was a huge collector. His most treasured collection was .. wait for it: teapots.

he tried to save Keith from being arrested once and ended up being arrested too lol

wanted to write a scifi concept album but desorted the idea and gave some songs to the who (905) or Pete

was a good cook apparently

When he gave a hug HE was the one who decided when to let go sdfghjk

hated confrontation and would hire other people to tell someone bad news

he spent so much money on dumb shit like wtf

but didnt really care either

probably the master in picking up and seducing girls

he let his stepdad live in the quarwood mansion when he wasnt there but Gordon was still an asshole wtf

the contact to his real dad was really sporadic

when the who ended, it hit him really hard and he didnt know what to do besides partying and buying stuff/hording stuff

was very insecure and selfconscious in the 80s according to Maxene :(

he actually took pete breaking up the who really personal and was sad 24/7

was that kind of guy that said bad stuff about the who but when you said bad stuff he would try to kill you on spot

with cocaine he felt really confident and still like the 60s/70s rockstar he once was but he didnt understand that these times were over and he needed to move on

sometimes went into random pubs with friends and made jam sessions for the guests

he still was generous and loving until he died and tried to play with other bands but it was not the same

he really liked Kenney and hung out with him more than with his wife at some point lmao

was a total giver and people who worked at quarwood would steal money from him but when someone pointed that out he got angry with that person for even suggesting that

was a real softieee (and a huge nerd)

all his friends said that he was shy at first but once you got to know him he would come totally out of himself, was very funny, loved to tell stories, was very very loyal and would try evertyhing to make you laugh aww

all in all a glorious story with a sad ending and he did destroy himself completely, but lets remember that Pete Townshend described old John still as "wonderful, mature and elegant” so lets cling on to that :)

[neo-culture-mafia]

II.

I got a million trillion things that I'd rather fuckin' do

He sat across the girl he was forced to go out with and waste money to buy her dinner. She was short of an average girl and nothing clicked between both of them. He dressed in a nice suit, hair done up and she showed up in stained sweatpants and knotty hair. He wasn't one to judge without knowing the full story, but once she straight up told him she didn't care how she looked or...smelled...he let the judgements run rampant in his mind.

The food came and he already wanted to run his own fork through his eye sockets from the way she had spaghetti sauce all over face; the chunk of tomato on top of her brow bone staring him down for what felt like eternity.

"So...uh...what do you like to do?" He asked, trying to be nice and trying to atleast enjoy some of his already ruined night. He could've been doing anything right now, but here he was on a blind date with Chenle's cousin. "I like taking things apart." She licked her lips, shoving a finger in her ear and wiggling it around before wiping it on the wine red tablecloth.

"Like...cars?" He mumbled, kind of awaiting the next thing that came out of her mouth. To soften the blow, he downed his wine quickly.

"No...animals-"

"CHECK, please."

I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic, Then you post it up thinkin' that it's making me sick

He was always told to not date within the family (not the Alabama kind) because it would only relate to tension once it didn't work out...boy does Renjun wish he would've listened in the first place.

His once lover was now his own enemy...and she slept less than 200 feet away from him in the next apartment.

She knew what got to him; thinking that flaunting her new man would piss him off. Spoiler, it didn't. Yet, the never ending lewd sounds coming through his bedroom wall did piss him off.

Word around the complex is that she's only doing this to win him back, but, he's already cut all emotional connection to her and her stank ass cooch.

The time was 3:24 AM. He has literally tried all positions of falling asleep; holding his pillow over his head was his only chance of ending the never-ending moans from his ex's apartment.

Once smacking on the wall began, he knew he couldn't sit here anymore. He was losing his own shut-eye to the nasty ass couple next door.

He got up, not skipping a beat as he went to the kitchen and got a bucket; ice and water quickly filling the inside.

His steps were weighted as he whipped his door open and automatically laying his foot through the other door when it came into sight.

The moans stopped for a moment but began again until the bedroom door was whipped open. He saw red as his arm launched the ice water; bucket and all towards the sweaty bodies.

"Shut the fuck up. Everyone is trying to sleep." He yelled, walking back out the front door and to the comfort of his now silent bedroom.

Say you want me to win, but hope I lose

He's had his fair share of toxic relationships. From try to hook up with his best friend to keying his car and dipping with his wallet.

Yet, nothing compares to when his now-ex tried to kill him. Not even try to conceal it but she just went straight for it.

Didn't even try to hide it and she didn't even have the right information.

He was making dinner for both of them; his heart content on imagining doing this for the rest of his life. "Sweetie, it's almost done!" He yelled out of the kitchen and he watched her stand up from the couch.

He started to plate everything, expecting her to be sitting at the kitchen counter, ready to eat his delicious meal. Yet, when he turned around to put the pan in the kitchen sink, he was met with a gun barrel pointed directly at him.

He just sighed, tossing the pan into the sink; the sizeable dent still there to this day. "I can never just have a cute love story." He untied his apron, his flannel coming down his torso once again.

"You're so stupid." She chuckled, both hands coming up to help her aim better. "And how is that?" He questioned, hands coming up as if he was surrendering to her insane mind.

"Once you're gone. This." She motioned with her gun to the house. "The house, the base, the army. Is mine." Her evil smile was just unsettling, not even a good one.

"...I don't think you understand how this works..." He chuckled. "I'm an elite soldier...not a boss...I'm not a hierarch elite...if I die..." He was actually laughing at this point. "You don't get shit."

Her smile faltered as renjun crossed his arms over his chest. "Then...then...I'll take out Taeyong...and then it will be min-" "There's an underboss for a reason...we actually have two...then it would go to Mark...then Yuta...then Sicheng...then it goes down the ranks." He shook his head.

"Well...where do you fall?" She asked, her gun now at her side. He shrugged. "15th or 16th. Somewhere around there." He said nonchalantly.

"So...have fun with that information." He rolled his eyes, turning on the water for the pan to start soaking.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Her voice was confused and he chuckled. "Cause you're not leaving this apartment alive. And besides...if you threaten me with a gun...make sure the safety is off." He shook his head, leaning on the counter and pulling himself up.

"Huh-" -smack. She laid passed out on the kitchen floor, a sizeable puddle of blood becoming a growing mess.

"Oh no my food is getting cold."

I got a new chick that I gotta thank God for

"Renjun, let's go!" Jeno screamed, hopping out of the blacked out car and sprinting down the street full of people.

Renjun dropped his drink and started running, ripping his disguise shirt off to reveal a bullet proof vest and the usual tactical uniform.

The mission had just gone wrong and now they were running for their lives.

"Chenle. Back up van on third street. Now." Renjun let go of the mic button and looked behind him, trying to find the once-target and his goons that we're just chasing them.

SMACK!

Renjun was now on the ground, rolling with someone else.

It ended with Renjun on top, ready to punch the shit out of what he thought was the target...ending up being the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.

A cut was right up above your eyebrow and you were trying to focus on what was on top of you. "Geez...you could atleast take me out to dinner first." You laughed and he looked back, seeing the men catching up.

"uh-i gotta go." He stood up but you were being dragged. Your bracelet was caught on his bullet proof vest.

He picked you up by your arms and linked your hands. "Don't talk. Don't ask questions. Run." Was all he said and he heard Jeno yell at him to hurry up.

You didn't waste any time and just followed, your chain bracelet starting to break from the constant tugging.

Chenle's van pulled up at the end of the street and Jeno was already in the back, his hand out to grab Renjun and you who was forced to tag along.

"Jump." And the next thing you know, you were both in the back of the van, speeding off on the road.

"Wow I have to get in shape." You groaned, chest heaving in and out quickly.

You sat up on the floor of the van to see 2 rows of boys just staring back at you.

"'sup." You head nodded and only some responded.

"I don't think this was in protocol. Is there a chapter for this in the handbook-" "Ji...calm down." The boy you were stuck to said. "I ran into-" "y/n." You responded and you could see a small smile work onto his lips as his head was down and trying to break you guys apart. "I ran into y/n...and we got stuck. I just picked her up and ran." The boy shrugged.

You looked around and saw guns and computers. "You guys cops or something?" You asked and someone from the driver seat spoke up. "Something." He said and you nodded. "Well...that's dope."

"Where can we drop you off?" The boy asked and you shrugged. "Anywhere. I just roam so I'll find my house eventually." You smiled and he nodded slowly.

You watched as you were taken through multiple back roads until the van suddenly stopped and the back doors opened. "Well it was nice meeting you all." You said as you crawled to the back doors, getting out quickly.

Renjun smiled, setting his hand down on the floor and it landing on a piece of paper.

He turned it over

'call me sometime, 010 xxx-xxx-xxxc :))'

He looked up to see your timid smile and Jaemin staring at you. "You're kinda cute. My name is Jae. But you can call me your other half." Jaemin sent his hand out for a handshake.

Renjun wanted to punch Jaemin in the side but was highly satisfied when he watched you look at the awaiting hand and started to close the back doors yourself.

"I ain't fuckin' with you."

[lenniewip]

Unknown (A Sterek Wrong Number/Celebrity AU)

11.09 PM Unknown Number

>I’m writing songs about you again.

11.20 PM Unknown Number

>its stiles btw.

>in case you deleted my number

>I did.

>I mean I deleted yours.

>but I still remember it apparently

11:41 PM Unknown Number

>I only have 2 lines so far

11:57 PM Unknown Number

>I bleed you from my veins.

>I grieve you like I love you.

>alone.

>its better with the chords.

>u were always better at writing lyrics than me

12:34 AM Unknown Number

>u were better everything than me

2:00 AM Unknown Number

>I hate that I miss you

2:07 AM Unknown Number

>do u want to hook up?

>I promise not to propose again

2:15 AM Unknown Number

>im sorry.

>ignore me.

>im drinking

Derek blinked bleary eyes. His phone screen was the only source of light in his room, as he read through the flurry text messages.

What the hell is a Stiles?

2:17 AM Unknown Number

<I think you have the wrong number

>Lydia?

<no

>oh thank fuck

>I mean

>I’m sorry

>for disturbing ur sleep

>but im just glad I didn’t drunk text my ex all of this

>bullet dodged right?

>is this what near death experiences feel like?

<I wouldn’t know.

>of course

>hey

>seeming as I have you here can I ask you a quick q?

>all my friends are asleep

<probably because its 3am

<everyone’s asleep

>2.39

>and ur not

>asleep that is

>so?

>I’ll take your silence as a go ahead

>what do you think?

>of the lyrics

<im the wrong person to ask

>never experienced heartbreak?

<no

<all song lyrics just look like bad poetry to me

>oh

>yeah I guess it does

>not everyone can be Rupi Kaur tho right?

<do you want to be rupi kaur?

>sure

>not to be dramatic or anything

>but

>I want to be anyone but me

>think id rather be someone like regina spektor tho

<regina spektor?

>singer/song writer

>shes my fucking inspiration

>her lyrics are like poetry to me

>you should listen to her music

<I dont really listen to music

>what the fuck?

>are you an alien?

<no?

>nice fucking try ET

>thats exactly what an alien would say

<…you got me there

>akdjfen

>is this you admitting I was right?

<no

<but this is me going to bed

<because its now 4AM

>already?

>fuck

>ive got an early start tomorrow

>good night random stranger

>and thanks

>for listening

>or reading ig

<good night

//

“You’re late.” Laura frowned, arms crossed.

“Are you going to let me in?” Derek grumbled, still feeling the affects of having stayed up until 4AM the previous night.

Laura didn’t argue she just stepped aside to let him through into her flat. “You’re grumpier than usual.” She noted.

“Didn’t sleep well.”

Derek hated the look she gave him then.

The look that said he was broken. The look that said she wanted to fix him.

“Is…Is it the nightmares again?” Laura’s voice dipped to a whisper, like the question alone would be enough to send him over the edge.

“No.”

An awkward silence defended over the two of them, neither knowing what to say.

Derek clung to the silence like a blanket, wishing things could go back to how they used to be. Back to when they knew how to speak to one another.

But this was enough.

It was enough to know that they were both trying. Failing. But trying.

//

2:40 PM Laura

>I’m here if you need to talk.

//

Derek isn’t good at art, but sometimes it’s the only way he can express himself. Words had never been his forte.

So instead he doodles.

Shitty toddler level doodles that he never shows anyone.

Sometimes he thinks if he could bring himself to show Laura she would like it. Maybe she would even understand it.

But there was a bigger chance that she wouldn’t, and he would feel even more like a stranger to his own sister than he already was.

//

10:18 PM Unknown Number

>I don’t remember it anymore

<You have the wrong number again

>No

>This is ‘not Lydia’ right?

<right

>So here’s the thing.

>I always thought if I needed to text her I could

>And I thought maybe I got her number wrong because I was drunk

>But I can’t remember it anymore

<Oh.

>I have some of her things still

>I don’t think I’ll ever get to return it now

>Unless she messages me first

<When did you two break up?

>Last year

>and I know what you’re thinking

>’it’s October’

>and I should be over her by now

>Trust me I know

>So you don’t need to lecture me

<I wasn’t going to

>Oh

<Stiles?

>That’s weird

<what is?

>I forgot I told you my name

<You should throw away the stuff she left behind.

>you’re right

>I don’t like it.

>but you’re right

>…thanks

<What for?

>for listening

>reading**

>my friends are pretty sick of hearing me complain

>so this is nice

<sure

<anytime

>dope

>no take backsies

<am I going to regret this?

>for definite

>you’re stuck with me now

//

That night Derek saves Stiles’ number as ‘Bad Poet’.

//

Stiles keeps messaging after that.

Stiles messages like they’ve been friends for years, and Derek very determinedly does not analyse why it is he always responds.

Even when there are messages dated from Laura from three days ago that he hasn’t even been able to bring himself to open yet.

He also ignores how when he’s messaging Stiles the gaping pit that had made residence in his chest feels just a little less inescapable.

//

Derek can’t bring himself to tell Stiles his name. He can’t bring himself open up, even though there’s a large part of him that wants to.

He’s not above admitting he’s scared.

//

Derek draws Stiles sometimes.

More accurately he draws a vague pair hands texting on a phone, because he has no idea what Stiles actually looks like.

Derek refuses to let himself dwell on that though, because they are happy drawings.

The pictures of Stiles are pretty much his only happy drawings right now.

//

They don’t always talk about Lydia.

Sometimes Stiles messages Derek song lyrics he’s working on.

Other times it’s memes, or just a bunch of emojis.

Once Stiles had just messaged him what Derek could only assume was a list of everything he had eaten that day.

Sometimes Stiles messages in rambles - and Derek can’t always keep up with the boy’s run away thoughts, but even then he never feels lost the way he does when he’s trying to interact with literally anyone else.

And sometimes it’s 2AM. Those are simultaneously Derek’s favourite and least favourite texts.

//

2:02 AM Bad Poet

>sometimes I feel like too much

>and too little

>at the same time

>u ever feel like that ET?

<not really

>its like I’m infinite, and meaningless

>like a never ending echo

>or a recurring decimal

>I just stretch on and on forever but theres no point to it

>I have no depth

<youre not meaningless

<you’re a rhythm.

<like breathing

>…

>was that a regina spektor reference?

<it might have been

>I thought you didn’t listen to music?

<well someone said her lyrics were like poetry

<so I thought I would check out a few songs

>well fuck

>what did you think?

<she’s good

>you spelt ‘amazing’ wrong

<I still prefer poetry

>of course you do

Derek stared at the texts an ache filling his chest.

Derek was the opposite of infinite. Everything he touched turned to flames.

//

10:30AM Bad Poet

<my sister bought me flower seeds

>I didn’t know you had a sister?

<she’s everything I have

>oh

<and I think she’s trying to trick me into therapy somehow

>…with flower seeds?

<yes

>you sound extremely paranoid

>maybe therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for you?

<shut up

>noted.

>keep me posted on how your gardening goes

>also

>as a side note

>you know you have me too right?

>if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m right here for you

<thanks

>anytime

//

On Derek’s birthday Laura insists the two of them spend the day together, and Derek knows better than to argue.

She buys him a cake and they spend hours sat next to one another silently. Two strangers desperately trying to keep hold of one another but with an ocean dividing them.

Once their family had been so alive.

And it was all Derek’s fault that was gone.

They both knew it.

Sometimes Derek wondered if Laura hated him as much as he did.

He was too scared to ask.

//

That night Derek chased the ache in his chest away with a drink.

And then several more followed.

//

1:14 AM Bad Poet

<seh haars me

>sorry bud, you’re going to have to try again

>try spell checking before hitting send

<she.hates mee

>who?

<larn

>are you drunk?

<yeh

<tyongs ndrf

*Out Going Call: Bad Poet*

The phone rings twice before being picked up. “Sorry. Stupid keyboard is so small. Impossible to type.” Derek mumbled, his words slightly muffled by his cheek being pressed into the sofa cushion.

“Wow. You’re really sloshed huh?”

“No.” Derek denied. “Just tipsy.”

“Right. So what was it you were trying to tell me? Someone hates you?”

“Laura.”

“Who’s Laura?”

“My sister.”

“Oh.”

“She looks at me like she wishes she could fix me.”

“That doesn’t sound like she hates you, bud.”

“She should. I can’t be fixed.”

“You’re right, because you’re not broken.”

Hearing Stiles say that Derek could almost believe it to be true.

“I mean it. You’re not broken. You’re just a different shape than you used to be. But the shape you are now is beautiful.”

Derek closes his eyes and lets the words wash over him. “Do you sing?” He finds himself asking.

“What?”

“I know you write songs, but do you ever sing?”

“Oh…” Stiles sounds uncomfortable. “I guess… Yeah. I do.”

Derek hummed in the back of his throat. “I bet you have a nice voice.”

“Th-thanks.”

Derek tried to say something else, but all that comes out is a yawn, which makes Stiles let out a jittery laugh.

Derek tries to memorise the sound of It, but it’s so fleeting, it’s already slipping away from him.

“I think you need to go sleep, ET.”

“Yeah.” Derek agrees.

“Goodnight bud.”

“Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay on the phone? Just for a bit longer.” Derek clutched on to the phone like if he could grip tightly enough it would make Stiles stay.

I don’t want to be alone. The words die on Derek’s tongue.

“Sure.” Stiles didn’t hesitate. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Sleep pulled at Derek’s consciousness, unravelling his grip on reality.

“Stiles?”

Stiles hummed in answer.

“Your shape is beautiful too.”

A small whimper came from the other end of the phone. “Thanks.”

//

7:50 AM Bad Poet

>how are you feeling today?

<better

>good <3

Derek holds his phone tightly and wishes that he had more to say. Just to keep the conversation going.

He also wishes (not for the first time) that Stiles was more than a faceless entity on the other end of the phone.

But it’s the first time he feels the want like a physical ache in his chest.

Derek had never been good with words, but if Stiles was here in front of him Derek would probably give him a hug.

But everything Derek touches eventually dies, and a larger part of him is relieved for the distance.

//

Derek plants the seeds his sister got him that day.

//

9:48 PM Bad Poet

>would it totally weird you out if I wanted to do another phone call?

>don’t feel like you need to say yes

>I just enjoyed talking to you

>and hearing your voice

>ugh.

>why are words so hard?

<I wouldn’t be opposed to a phone call

*Incoming Call: Bad Poet*

“Hey.” Derek feels breathless as he answers the phone, anxious excitement clawing it’s way up his throat.

“Hey.” Stiles sounds equally out of breath, and that helps.

Derek chews on his lip, scrambling for something to say. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know.” Stiles admitted. “Anything.”

“Helpful.” Derek said sarcastically.

“I mean. There’s one thing. I didn’t want to ask when you were drunk because it felt a little like taking advantage. And I don’t want you to think you have to answer-”

“Stiles.” Derek interrupts before Stiles could break into a full blown ramble.

“Tell me your name.” Stiles breaks. “Please.”

Anxiety grips his heart. But… he couldn’t stay scared forever.

“It’s Derek.”

“Derek.” Stiles repeats his name in a reverent whisper, as if committing it to memory.

And hearing Stiles say his name makes everything worth it.

//

Phone calls become a regular thing between the two of them over the next month. Always between late in the evening and the early hours of the day.

//

The next time Derek spirals he doesn’t drink before he calls Stiles, but he does cry on the phone.

The next morning he wakes up to a text from Stiles.

6:42 AM Bad Poet

>you need to talk to your sister

And Derek knows he’s right.

//

It’s not easy confronting Laura. He has two separate anxiety attacks on the walk to her apartment alone.

But he forces himself to take the dive.

“It’s okay if you hate me.” He tells her, even though it’s not okay. Laura’s hate might be the only thing in the world that could break him beyond repair.

Laura looks horrified as she stares at him. “I don’t- Obviously I don’t hate you Derek.”

“It’s my fault that they’re gone.” Derek addresses the elephant in the room.

If he hadn’t fallen in love with Kate.

If he hadn’t broken up with her, just to try and prove a point when she refused to say ‘I love you’ back…

There never would have been a fire.

Their family would still be here if it wasn’t for him.

“Fuck that!” Laura let out a harsh noise. “Derek, none of this was ever your fault. You were a kid, and even if you weren’t… You never set the fire.”

“I might as well have.”

“No. If anyone… I was your big sister- am your big sister. But I was so fucking wrapped up in myself. I didn’t even know about Kate.”

The last time Derek had seen Laura cry it had been at the funeral, so it took a second to fully sink in what he was seeing.

He found himself crying to.

“I’m so sorry, Der.”

Derek stumbled forwards pulling Laura into a crushing hug. Laura hugs him back just as tight.

They spend hours refusing to let go of one another.

//

He realises he fell asleep on Laura’s sofa when he woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. But he had no idea where it was, and he was too tired to move.

He feels Laura moving and the sound of the phone ringing gets louder before cutting off abruptly.

“Hello?”

“No - Derek’s asleep.”

“Maybe call at a more reasonable time?”

“Who is this?”

“Your voice sounds familiar.”

“Right.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Derek let sleep over take him once more.

//

2:29 AM Bad Poet

>sorry for calling so late

>you’re asleep so I’ll just take to you tomorrow

//

9:07 AM Bad Poet

<sorry, I was really tried

>no worries man

>you’re allowed to have a life outside of me

<was something wrong?

>no I was just bored, and didn’t realise how late it had gotten

>im fine

>how are you?

<im good actually

<I spoke to Laura

>yeah?

>I’m proud of you

>how’d that go?

<we both cried

<a lot

<and I ended up falling asleep on her couch

>look at you, opening up and shit.

>think I might cry now

<shut up

>literally never

>better men have tried and failed to silence me

//

2:40 PM Laura

>Want to see a movie on Friday?

<sure

//

One night Stiles calls Derek just to say his name in stupid ways, and laugh himself stupid after each one.

“Duhreek.”

“Doreck.”

“Fuck. I’m getting a stitch from laughing.”

“You’re so fucking dumb.” Derek is smiling as he said it.

“Deeruk.” Stiles wheezes out.

Derek just closes hie eyes and listens.

“I’m so fucking glad I know you, Stiles.” The words fall out of Derek’s mouth without much thought.

He only realises the weight of his words when Stile’s laughter pulls to a stop.

“I uh-” Stiles stammered. “Me too. Fuck. You’re the best thing to happen to me in…so fucking long. I’m glad I know you too Derek.”

//

Derek finally admits to himself that night that he’d fallen at least a little in love with the stranger from the unknown number.

//

He keeps trying to draw Stiles, but he can’t. Vague shapes just don’t cut it anymore.

He wants to map Stiles out with his eyes and translate it onto the page.

He wants to be able to see the smile behind the laughter.

He wants.

//

1:58 AM Bad Poet

>do you think you day we’ll actually meet?

>maybe not intentionally

>maybe one day we’d pass each other in the streets and not even know

>maybe we already have

Derek couldn’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t notice Stiles.

<is there ever a moment when you’re not talking?

<I think id recognise your voice and know it was you

>maybe your face would make me speechless ;)

<I think id still know

<but if you want to be sure… I could send you a picture?

<of me

>dkfajd

>for reals?

>you would do that?

>you?

<well…not for free

>there’s always a catch

>what do you want?

>my soul?

>a blood debt?

>you can have whatever it is

<I meant you’d have to send me a picture too

<geez stiles

The next text takes an unnervingly long time to come through.

>I could do that

>a photo for a photo

>I kind of look like shit rn

>so no judging me

Derek spends the next two minutes fussing and fidgeting to take a good photo. No matter what angle he took it from the bags under his eyes were noticeable, and so was the week’s worth of stubble he had yet to shave off.

And maybe this was a terrible, awful, idea.

But Derek would send one hundred bad pictures if it meant getting to see one of Stiles.

He forced himself to press send on the last picture he took.

As he pressed send another photo came in.

Derek’s fingers shook as he hit the button to download the image.

His heart stopped.

Stiles was beautiful in every sense of the word, and Derek found himself unable to look away. Even when he heard the small dings of incoming messages.

But he couldn���t ignore them for long, because it was Stiles. And when ever Stiles messaged Derek had to answer.

>Fucking hell

>are you for real?

>you gave me a heart attack

>am I being catfished right now?

>when do you think you were going to tell me you’re the most fucking beautiful man to exist ever?

>how the hell to you look like that as 2AM!?

>Derek

>oh my god

>you gotta respond my dude because I’m freaking out a little bit

>still there?

>did my selfie scare you away?

>I would have tried harder for a nice photo if I knew I was talking to an adonis

>Derek?

<still here

>of thank fuck

>so…

<so?

>come on

>your going to give me a complex

>the selfie…was it okay?

>I know it’s not much

>but we can’t all be greek gods

<its beautiful

<you’re beautiful, stiles

>oh

>thanks

//

Derek is so far gone that he makes the picture of Stiles the home screen on his phone.

//

9:49 AM Bad Poet

<Laura wants me to meet her boyfriend

<this is all your fault

>how is this my fault?

<because she never wanted to introduce us before

<and then you got me to talk to my sister

<and now she wants me to meet him

>…and this is a bad thing?

<yes

>because?

<I don’t make good first impressions

<it’s going to be awkward

>yeah probably

<you’re not helpful

>I wasn’t trying to be ;)

>have fun, Derek!

//

Meeting Laura’s boyfriend wasn’t as awkward as Derek thought it was going to be. But it was strange.

Derek hadn’t been expecting to meet someone so soft and kind. He was nothing like any one that Laura had dated before.

But he also wasn’t used to seeing Laura smile as much as she did around him.

Maybe not all change was bad.

//

Derek tells Laura about Stiles by accident. Or more accurately he mentions Stiles once by accident (not even by name) and Laura had badgered him until he admitted that he had made a friend through a wrong number.

“There’s a lot of weirdos out there.”

“I know.”

God did Derek ever know.

But Stiles is different.

“Just…be careful.”

“I am being. I promise.”

Laura reluctantly lets it go after that. “So…what’s he like?”

“He’s…he’s like bad poetry.”

“Oh god. You’re in love with him aren’t you?”

Derek can’t bring himself to deny it, but he does tell Laura to shut up.

//

Derek fully embraces being in love with Stiles on the day he tells Stiles about his drawings. He’d never told anyone about them before - not even Laura. But telling Stiles had been easy.

‘It reminds me of line art’ Stiles had said when Derek had sent him a photo of the doodle he had been working on. “I love it’.

A warmth flutters through Derek’s veins.

//

It all goes sideways on the day Laura goes on Derek’s phone to check the time.

She’d raised one eyebrow at him looking amused.

“I thought you didn’t listen to music?” She said, a teasing note to her voice.

“I don’t.” Derek shrugged.

“A huh. So why do you have a picture of Stiles Stilinski as your wallpaper?” She asks.

It’s so startling to hear Stiles name coming out of Laura’s mouth that Derek’s brain refuses to function properly. “How do you know Stiles?” He asks weakly.

Laura laughs. “He’s not exactly a niche celebrity Der. He was a really famous YouTuber before he started selling albums.”

Derek doesn’t know what to say to that. He blinks as his world slowly unravels before him.

No.

She had to be wrong, because Derek couldn’t be in love with a celebrity. Stiles couldn’t be…

“Hey are you okay? You look really sick?”

“He’s famous?” His throat is dry.

“Yes? Are you okay? What’s wrong? You’ve got to speak to me Der. Use your words.”

Derek just shakes his head because he can’t.

“It’s him.” He manages to get out.

“What are you talking about?”

“Laura. It’s him.”

It takes a moment to click but Derek knows when it does because a look of thunderous wrath takes over Laura’s face.

“I’ll kill him.” She seethes, shaking with anger. “What kind of fucking punk thinks that this is a good prank to play?”

“What?”

“No one is getting away with catfishing you, Der. I’m going to hunt this fucker down, and then I’ll rip him so many new ones that he going to look like SpongeBob when I’m done with him.”

And god, Derek hadn’t even considered the thought that Stiles might not even be Stiles. The thought of Stiles being a liar…

The gape in his heart grows a little bit bigger.

And it all falls apart.

//

It takes hours before Derek can convince himself to confront Stiles.

11:08 PM Bad Poet

<you’re stiles stilinki

>fuck

(And yeah, it was really him).

>how did you find out?

<Laura

>I was going to tell you

<Were you?

>Yes

>I’ve wanted to for ages

>It just never felt like the right time to bring it up

<I wish you had decided on the right time was sooner

>Me too

>I’m sorry

>Please don’t hate me

Derek did not think it was possible for him to hate any part of Stiles.

<I don’t

>Thank fuck

>seriously

>can I call you?

<sure

Derek closed his eyes after sending the text and waited for Stiles to ring. A heartbeat later his ringtone sounded off.

“Hey.”

“You believe me right?” And Stiles sounds more frantic than Derek had ever heard him before.

“I believe you, Stiles.”

“Are you sure, because I can prove it if you want? I can do a video call? Or I can tweet literally anythi-”

“Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

Stiles lets out a small whine, that reaches through the phone line and yanks at Derek’s already tattered heart, unraveling him just a little more.

“Meet me.” Stiles said, taking Derek by surprise.

“What?”

“Please. I meant to throw a please in there, I’m just really fucking nervous right now. Meet me please. In real life. I uh- I was going to ask when I finally told you about the whole being a celebrity thing. It’s still weird to say that out loud. That’s part of why it was so hard to tell you. But the point was you beat me to the punch with the whole reveal thing, but I still wanted to ask.”

“Stiles…”

“And it’s not that I was trying to use my influence or fame to pressure you into meeting me. I just wanted to be in a space where we were one hundred per cent honest with one another before I asked you. You can still say no. Of course you can, I don’t know why I’m- my point is I hope you don’t say no.”

Derek feels his heart break in two.

“Stiles…I can’t.”

“Oh.”

He hadn’t fully realised just how many worlds apart the two of them were when he had fallen in love with Stiles. It felt even more impossible than it had before.

“I’m sorry.” The words leave him feeling hollow.

“No. Don’t apologise. This is just me getting carried away. It’s okay.”

I love you. The words never leave Derek. They can’t leave him.

There was no way this could work, and he was far too scared of breaking the tentative connection they had with his useless words.

It was better for him to just… fall out of love.

//

6:17AM Laura

<it’s really him

>are you sure

<I’m sure

>what are you going to do?

<nothing

>Derek you’re in love with him

<I’m aware

<it doesn’t matter

<it wouldn’t ever work

>I’m sorry

<don’t be

<I’m going to be fine

>Im coming over with wine

//

That night Derek fills pages and pages of his notebook with drawings of Stiles.

When he gets a message from Stiles at 11PM- for the first time since they started messaging- Derek leaves it unopened.

//

He never ignores a message again after that, and life moves on. Stiles still messages him all the time, but he never asks to call anymore.

Derek misses his voice so much that he goes onto youtube and listens to his music.

He buys all three albums Stiles released and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

//

He fills an entire notebook with doodles of Stiles.

It’s still not enough.

//

1:11 PM Bad Poet

>I wrote you a song

>I know you don’t listen to music

>but it felt weird to not a least send you a link

>bad poetry at 2:00am

The link leads Derek to a youtube video of Stiles holding a ukulele and staring with a soft smile at the camera.

“Hey guys. It’s been a while, huh? But I guess I finally found inspiration. So here we go.”

The song is beautiful, but even more beautiful than that was Stiles.

When the song reached the end Derek doesn’t hesitate to hit replay.

He listens to the song ten times before he realises he’s crying - and he knows that he’s never going to ‘get over’ Stiles because he doesn’t want to.

//

3:00 PM Laura

>have you seen the video?

<he sent me a link

<he wrote a song for me Laura

<I love him so fucking much and he wrote a song for me

>fuck

<what do I do?

>what do you want to do?

<I don’t know

>I think you should look at his twitter

<?

>I wasn’t going to say anything because you said you wanted to get over him

>but I think you need to see it

>@stilesstilinki

//

@stilesstilinski

I want to hug him

@stilesstilinski

Get you a guy that will stay up with you until 4AM talking about literally anything

@stilesstilinski

Why do I alway fall for people so far out of my league? rip me I guess.

@stilesstilinski

He makes me want to write poetry

Derek spends hours scrolling through Stiles’ twitter.

He scrolls far enough back that he gets to the part of his timeline where his twitter is littered with pictures of Lydia, which causes the ache in Derek’s chest to grow. But he can’t stop looking because Stiles looks so happy.

And Derek falls impossibly more in love.

He lets himself acknowledge for the first time that Stiles might love him back.

And everything else?

It’s worth it.

Because Stiles is worth everything to Derek.

//

2:00 AM Bad Poet

<so I looked at your twitter

>fuck.

>how much did you see?

<all of it

>tight

>please excuse me while I go die now

>bye

<don’t leave yet

<I had something I wanted to ask you

>did you want me to delete the tweets?

>I can do that

>I’ll just delete the whole account

>I am my own worst enemy so this won’t be a problem

>actually Jackson Whittemore is my worst enemy

>but I’m a close second

<stiles?

>yup?

<Will you go on a date with me?

>alkdjf

>yes?

>Ofc yes?

>are you being serious?

>because this would be a cruel prank if you’re not serious

<I’m serious

>yes.

>yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

>holy shit

>theres no fucking universe where I say ‘no’ to that question from you

>im so fucking in love with you

>is it too soon to say that?

>I don’t even care

>I’m speaking my truth

>you obviously don’t have to say it back

>im going to woo you so hard Derek

>you’ll have to love me back eventually

>I’m going to write you poetry

>hell I’ll even read poetry for you

>ill give the whole fucking moon to you

<why would I want the moon?

<im not gru?

>despicable me

>that was a despicable me reference.

>you don’t listen to music, but you watch despicable me?

>you’re such an enigma to me Derek

>god I love you so much

<stiles?

>too much?

<no

<I don’t think I could ever have too much of you

<I love you too stiles

<so much

<I just don’t want you to get your hopes up

<I might not be able to live up to it in real life

>impossible

<seriously stiles

>I am being serious

>I’m already in love with you Der

>you don’t have to do anything more than you’ve already done

>you could wear a potato sack, and spend the whole night not saying anything at all

>and I would still be in love with you

>all you have to do now is show up

<…I can do that

>perfect

//

TWO YEARS LATER

@stilesstilinski

Hey @JacksonWhittemore, remember when you told me I would die alone? Well I just got engaged to the love of my life. So checkmate fucker.

[backtobackbakubabe]

Baby its Cold Outside (PART 13)

Bakugo X Reader 

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas! 

Words: 2122

PART 1 HERE, PART 2 HERE, PART 3 HERE PART 4 HERE PART 5 HERE , PART 6 HERE PART 7 HERE PART 8 HERE PART 9 HERE PART 10 HERE PART 11 HERE PART 12 HERE PART 13 HERE PART 14 HERE

*****************************************************************************************************

“OI dumbass! What are you doing? Let me help you with that!” 

It was Christmas eve and you were just trying to organize the presents around the tree. Your baby bump was more like a baby basketball at this point. Only a few more weeks to go before the world had a new Bakugo. You groaned as you straightened up bracing your hands on your lower back. “Thanks babe... there’s only a few more. Your mom stopped by earlier today and dropped off a bunch of stuff. Like it took both of us like five trips to the car to get all of it unloaded. I’m assuming it’s mostly baby stuff.” 

“Wouldn't surprise me if it was all baby stuff.” He helped you over to the couch. “The old hag won't shut up about the little guy.” 

He organized the last of the presents before joining you on the couch. He pulled both of your feet into his lap and started to rub them. “She loves you and she's excited about having her first grandchild. I cant tell you how many times she's given me a speech about how you are too good for me and you’re the kid she’s always wanted and I cant screw this up.” 

“Aw babe she loves you too you know. All she could do was talk about how cute you were as a baby and how exceptional you were. Said our kid was going to be amazing with my heart and the Bakugo genes. Naturally she did throw in a couple jabs about your attitude but she does love you..” 

He leaned over and put his head in your lap, “She is right though... I dont deserve you. I’m thankful every day that you saw something in me and decided to give me a chance.” 

“That is not true! Bakugo Katsuki you take that back right now! I am not too good for you! If anything you’re the one who's constantly taking care of me.” 

He snuggled further into your lap, “I love you. So much. And I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

You giggled, “Katsuki if I didn't know better I would say that sounded like a proposal.” 

“So what if it was?” He pushed himself up and into a kneeling position on the floor in front of you. With sure hands he pulled a small red box out of his jacket pocket. “Y/n... I’ve been carrying this stupid ring around for probably six months now. It’s not that I didn't want to ask you sooner... its just you know how stubborn I can be. And for some reason I had made up my mind that I was going to propose on Christmas. I know it’s your favorite holiday and I dont know, its probably stupid but I just wanted it to be special.” He opened the box to show off the most gorgeous ring you had ever seen. 

“Y/n would you do me the honor of being my wi- Oi are you crying?” 

You had tears streaming down your face, “You try having the love of your life propose to you with the most beautiful ring ever in existence while being eight and half months pregnant full of fucking hormones on fucking Christmas eve of all fucking nights! Of course I’m fucking crying!” 

He just smiled, took the ring out of the box, and held it to your finger, “So is that a yes?” 

You wiped your tears with the hand he wasnt holding, “Yes! Of fucking course!” 

He slid the ring onto your finger before giving you a soft kiss. He cupped your damp cheeks in his hands, “Mrs. Bakugo... Has a nice ring to it.” 

You chuckled, “Damn I thought I was going to be Mrs. Zero... Is it too late to change my answer?” 

He squeezed your thigh, “I’m afraid us Bakugos don’t come with a return policy. So it looks like you’re stuck with me.” 

“OH! Yuuto will be so happy! At least once a month he asks if you’ve proposed yet. He’s always saying his quirk keeps telling him its the only logical outcome and it was making him anxious that we weren't engaged yet. Every time I would tell him no he’d just say ‘Any day now would be nice.’” 

Bakugo laughed resuming his place on the couch with arm draped around you, “Not much of a filter on that kid huh? Well I’m surprised he kept it a secret this long. I actually told him about this a month ago. He kept bugging me about it that one day I came to eat lunch with you and decided to hang out with the class the rest of the day. So eventually I told him so he’d calm down.” 

“Sounds like Yuuto. Did I tell you he took down Aizawa in his final exam? Took him all of ten minutes. I tried to tell him how awesome he was and all he had to say was, ‘I have him memorized at this point, all logical outcomes led to me passing.’ The kid spent weeks prepping by watching every video of every teacher fighting. He knew every move before it even happened. He's something else.” 

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, he reminds me of Deku, except way smarter and honestly more tolerable. I love how blunt he is, even if he doesn't mean to be. He's honest and to the point and I can respect that.” 

It was obvious how much Bakugo cared for Yuuto. He worked with him every now and then when he had free time. It made your heart soar with how patient he was with him. In a way they both lacked social skills but they both strived to be better versions of themselves. Sometimes you thought Bakugo took more away from their training sessions than Yuuto did. You wouldn't be surprised if when the time comes Ground Zero got a new side kick. 

You flinched as the baby started kicking. It wasnt the first time but this time seemed to be bit harder than usual. You grabbed Katsuki's hand and placed it on your belly, “He’s kicking!” 

With his hands on your belly and his forehead on you shoulder... this was what true happiness felt like. “Babe? How would you feel about a Christmas wedding?” 

He turned to look at you, “I’d be fine with that. Would give us about a year to get everything figured out. The baby could be the ring barer, that’s be pretty fucking cute..”

“No... I mean like tomorrow. Fuck it. I dont need a fancy wedding. I just need you. We can renew our vows later if we want to, but I’m done waiting. I just want to be married.” 

He gave you a wicked smile, “Look babe I know you're desperate to lock me down but I honestly think you’ll be a little upset later down the road if we did the bare minimum. So how about we compromise? You call our parents, I’ll call our friends. Tomorrow night we’ll have a small courthouse wedding with just us, followed by a dope ass after party with all our friends and family. How does that sound?”

You threw you arms around his neck, “You are so perfect! Oh my gosh!” You pulled back, “Shit what am I going to wear? Im huge! I won't fit into any of my nice dresses! No where will be open either! It’s Christmas eve!” 

He sighed, “Okay just this once... I’ll pull the Ground Zero card. We can ask Sasha, the women who does all my hero costume alterations if she could have something put together by tomorrow morning. Let me make a call.” 

Half an hour later you were sending over a few pictures of dresses you liked to Sasha. She said not to worry and she’d have a dress ready in no time. Shit this was happening. You were really getting married tomorrow. 

*****************

You spun a few times in front of the mirror. You dont know how she did it but Sasha was really amazing. She came over a little after lunch and did last minute alterations and she somehow managed to make you look beautiful and not at all like an oversized marshmallow. 

Mina came over and helped you with your hair and makeup. She, Kirishima and you and Bakugos parents were the only ones that would be at the actual ceremony. Momo, Denki, Dylan and cementoss were over at the UA gym decorating it for the after party. You had decided that that it was big enough and secure enough that you all could have a good time without worrying about paparazzi trying to sneak in. Katsuki had gone a bit overboard with the after party invites. Claiming he wanted everyone to see you were off limits. As if they hadn't known that already. 

You felt like a total cliche with your shot gun wedding but honestly you didn't care. You were starting a family... starting a life with Katsuki. Its all you had ever wanted. So as you walked down that isle all you could do was beam your most endearing smile, and all Katsuki could do was return the gesture.

It was time for your vows. You knew Katsuki was nervous because he's not always the best with his words, or expressing his feeling for that matter but he surprised everyone in the room. “Y/n. A little over a year ago... One year, one month, and four days ago to be exact. You threw a snowball at my head. And shit are you lucky I was already so far gone over you already. That may have been the day we officially started dating but I fell in love with you years before that. I fell in love with you the day you pantsed me outside of UA with all of our future classmates watching and I’ve loved you every day since. Any girl who could be that pretty AND put up with my bullshit. Definitely a keeper. I may have had weird ways of showing it. And I’ll be the first to admit I was a dick from time to time. But you bring out the best in me and I cant imagine a life for me without you in it.” 

You stuck your lip out, “Aww Katsuki that’s so sweet. Oh shit you're going to make me cry again.” He slid the wedding ring on your finger giving your hand a quick encouraging squeeze. You have no idea where or how he got wedding rings on such short notice but you weren't going to ask. 

“Alright so I guess it’s my turn then. So we've obviously been friends for years now. But we've also been rivals for years as well. We always competed at UA in just about everything. We competed for better grades. We fought constantly, literally with our firsts just as much as we screamed at each other. Just the other day we tried to see who could fit more marshmallows in their mouth. But the only thing I've ever been better at than you was English. Which brings me to the only time you ever asked me for help... Your Oscar Wilde paper. It was in your dorm room that day that I truly fell in love with you because that was the first day I saw the kind, soft side of you that I’m so familiar with now. And like Oscar Wilde once said, ‘You dont love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.’ and baby you sing that song every day in the little things you do for me and I don't think it’ll ever get old.” 

A single tear fell down his cheek which he was very quick to catch before anyone noticed. “You may now kiss the bride.”

And just like that you shared your first kiss as husband and wife. 

Later you two were sitting at a table eating cupcakes at your after party. All of your friends dancing around you having a good time. You leaned over so he could hear you over the music, “I never knew you liked me all that time. I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up.”

He gave you a wicked smile, “I’m used to waiting on you by now. I’m just sorry you actually thought you were better at English than me... I never needed help on that Oscar Wilde paper... I just wanted an excuse to spend time with you.” 

[iamconstantine]

RWBY V3E4: Lessons Learned

* Is it bad that watching the opening to this episode reminded me a lot of Subspace Emissary? 

* On that note, I cannot wait to see these two get their asses handed to them. * Oooooh 4 different environments now! Forest, sahara, rocky shore, and Detroit! * Is it just me or is something a little tinny in the audio recording? * “Oh I like heeer...” And here I was thinking Coco had taste. * “He’s good!” No the fuck he ain’t. * I still hate this stupid quicksilver knockoff BUT the animation for the fight scenes is still top notch

* I’m sorry what.I * His LEGS. GO FOR HIS LEGS. * Are this guy’s eyes supposed to have no sclera like that? * Coco bby girl what is you doing you is better than this * “I take it back: I don’t like her” There you go babe * I don’t know whether I’m more annoyed with how many times the Smirk and Saunter Duo are relying on stealth attacks or with how much Coco and the other two keep falling for it

* Wait what? * Yow. * Wait no seriously what...? * Okay seriously how does no one just look at Cinder and say “That’s a villain” * Wait no * wait wait wait is one of their semblances like illusions or something * oh please tell me these two cant do illusions Im going to throw myself out a window

* BLEUALEAUELELAEUEH * Sister talk! Sister talk! * Eat those delicious looking croissants! * Awww it’s nice seeing Winter open up a little bit.  * Okay so now we have confirmation that semblances can be hereditary, at least rarely. But now I’m curious: are semblances influenced by anything else? Personality, past experiences, etc?

* Okay I’m sorry but if this semblance lets you ressurrect the enemies you’ve slain to bring them back as allies that is the most amazing semblance of them all hands down everyone else go home * And now to the other side of the coin! * I’m not like SUPER complaining but I think the animations are just a little bit stiffer this ep * I love how Qrow is a character who will angrily call out his colleagues for not being aware of the real threat to the world after fighting one of said colleague’s employees in a fit of rage but will THEN just go to play a Nintendo64 game with his nieces

* I like how even though this is doing the anime thing of showing flashbacks as still images in a sort of slideshow the art is intentionally almost fairy-tale like with blotted paint and splatters and all that * -_- * alright throw perv in on Qrow’s character sheet

* This image is literally just >:3 and >:< * The passive-aggresive half-ribbing, half-criticizing tone is strong with this one * And there goes the ribbing * I get the feeling that Qrow is one of those family member/mentors who focuses more on criticizing their shortcomings than celebrating their victories out of concern that they’re going to get in over their heads. Which, to be fair, they might be * There’s so much mystery wrapped up in the Ozpin Troupe (which is what I shall now be referring to them as). Clearly there’s some covert operation to keep tabs on evil rising in Remnant, but what else is going on here? Is there a secret they’re all trying to hide? Has Ironwood done something in the past, thus necessitating Glynda and Qrow’s distrust of him, or has he just always been like this? How long has this operation been going on? * “The coolest team to ever graduate Beacon!” *pulls out coffee-stained photograph*

* Why does this look like an album cover * I can’t super tell just from the photo but Qrow and Raven look like...exactly the same. Like Qrow still has gray hairs, I think. * “Well known for crummy fashion sense!” Ruby I don’t think it could be any more obvious that your uncle is a huge influence on your aesthetic so don’t even go there * i n a p p r o p r i a t e  s t o r i e s * Wonder what’s bothering Yang? * Yep. Suspicion on Qrow’s mentorship style verified * At first I flinched at Winter dope-slapping Weiss to get her to concentrate but then I remember that Yang and Ruby punch each other’s lights out on an hourly basis so it checks out * I guess it makes sense for Winter and Weiss to have similar stories of running away from home but having to still be “tied” to it. * More questions about Weiss’s relationship with her father emerge... * “You must never let your emotions overpower you” * Winter. * I like you. * But. * You literally destroyed the entire courtyard because Qrow was sassin too much.

* Daaaawwwwww!! * Winter please return soon. Weiss needs a teacher. * Ahhhhh she summoned a lil baby sword!! * I’m actually surprised but thankful that they had Weiss NOT answer the phone call. It really sounds like Weiss’ dad is not a good person so I’d be surprised if this was going down the “reconnecting with the misguided parent” route

[jewpacabruhs]

bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?

i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.

and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.

and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.

the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.

matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.

cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.

that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.

does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.

he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.

and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.

because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.

i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!

and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!

[anonymous-girl37]

Here is my story.

Most stories tend to start with things being normal, however, for this one, it is honestly a clusterfuck of bullshit with a little bit of normalcy thrown in to give me the illusion of stability. Even when I was only nine, I remember fun and family activities were never really with just her and us- it was always with somebody else there to motivate her. I sort of had to raise Katie and Kylie on my own at some points. She took care of us technically speaking; she didn’t starve us or anything, she just wasn’t available for the emotional side of being a parent. The parts that kids grow up to remember, unfortunately for us.

One of the best examples of her neglectful care for us was around that time... Me being around age… eight? Nine? It all blurs together at some points, but the point is I was young.

My mom always takes naps, they last a whole ten minutes sometimes, but she’s always tired, maybe she’s sick. Whenever she’s sleeping, she says I get to play house with my sisters and pretend I’m the mom. My favorite is when she drives to the store for candy for us because then I make the rules for extra long. I get to make them lunch and play outside. Sometimes she lets me read them stories before their nap time, which is mommy’s relaxing time, so I get the whole rest of the house to myself. I get to make all the rules, dad never lets me do that. He doesn’t know, mommy said it’s our secret. I hate when she doesn’t get her naps in because then she’s grumpy. She went away for a whole week and she hasn’t taken a nap or been grumpy since she got back, maybe the doctors did surgery and fixed her. She’s even taking us to the park while dad’s at work tomorrow.

It’s been a week now, mommy was going to take us swimming but she said her head hurt too much, and the next day we were supposed to play in the woods but she needed to take a nap, and it was almost time for dinner when she woke up. Dad couldn’t know she was napping again, or he’d make her go away for a long time she said. She tells me I’m a good secret keeper. Maybe tomorrow she will let us go swimming.

Mommy’s been back home for two weeks and her medicine already stopped working, I wish it worked for longer cause I miss when mommy was fun. Mommy loves when I play house with my little sisters, but sometimes I get tired of it. I have to listen to her anyway. She’s better than dad because she doesn’t have any stupid rules. All dad ever does is work, we only get to play with him for a little bit after work and on the weekends.

It wasn’t something that stopped, her shitty “parenting” if you can even call it that, never improved. I was 12 years old popping Klonopin like candy, with her permission of course. Not only was she okay with me taking drugs, but she also fueled my addiction with her prescription. At least she was generous with her pills, however, she had plenty enough to share. She got a script of 90 a month from one doctor and 60 a month from another. She was good at pretending to have illnesses for drugs, and trust me, it’s extremely escalated since then. I don’t know who else she gave them away to, but when she ran out she always found a way to get more. Pills were more important to her than us having new clothes, and undergarments. She cared more about pills than saving money to do fun stuff with my sisters and me. She only ever wanted to be high, and she was so good at hiding it. She had our whole family fooled for years. She lived and still does live a life of lies. She sucks the life out of everyone she’s near. She sucked the life out of me. She had me becoming friends with kids who dealt drugs, It was a messy situation all around, I hung around people much older than me, I did drugs with men almost twice my age, however, usually Nicole was around for that part. At least she didn’t leave me alone with strange men, before the age of 13, I guess that was the cut-off. She decided I was mature enough, old enough, to hang out with men 8 years older than me. Luckily I had someone to protect me. Anthony tried to at least, to help me become my best. He wasn’t much better off than me in regards to a mother and he had a terrible drug problem. We experienced the same things in different ways. It felt like everything I went through, he did before me. Our lives were nowhere near identical. He grew up with his grandfather who fucked him out of his childhood, quite literally. I was addicted to Xanax, but that was nowhere near strong enough for his need to forget. Heroin was his kryptonite, he couldn’t get enough of it, but no matter how high he was, or how dope sick he was because he couldn’t find any, he made sure I was okay, he told me he loved me. Every day, that was the first thing I would hear him say. Our entire lives were straight ahead of us. He was poetic and artistic, and everything he said to me sounded like a quote from a book. He wanted his story heard, and he wanted me to be the one to hear it. It feels like I’m now responsible for telling the world. He never wanted anyone to know him, just who he was. He wasn’t all happy, and nice, he was a total asshole sometimes, I’m not sure that he was even aware. The love we had was one I’ll never forget though.

I’ve dropped my bottle and there’s broken glass on the ground now. I guess that’s what I get for being lost in these thoughts. It cut my leg but I can’t feel it. The glass reminds me of him. It reminds me of the night all of us got drunk and they were smashing glass bottles on the concrete. He screams “whoever runs through it gets $20 and this” as he’s holding a ½ empty bottle of rum. And some other guy told him he’d give home $100.00 to do it. So he runs through the things, falls, and has glass stuck from his feet to his knees. I’ll never forget that smell, blood, and vodka. I spent damn near two hours pulling glass out of his legs and feet and bandaging them up.

July Summer 2017

Today had to have been the best day of my life. Anthony took me to our spot, and we talked for hours, about nothing and everything, as always. We’re getting sober together. We’re going to do it. We promised. Today marks 1 day clean. Weed is an exception because fuck quitting that. I would do anything to make this man happy. I’ve known for a long time that he loves me, but today made me realize how much I truly love him too. I’m happy with him. My life is chaotic right now, but he’s my calm. He’s my peace. I can’t wait for the day we never have to leave each other again.

August 11 summer 2017

We’ve been sober for a month today. I want to go to this back to school party but Anthony is being a little bitch about it. I’ll convince him to go.

August 12 summer 2017

He died. On purpose. I made him go to the party and he overdosed. I thought he was just drunk. We cuddled on the porch swing until he fell over into my lap. He laid in my lap for 20 minutes before I knew. He had no pulse. He left a note in my back pocket. I can’t bring myself to look at it. I want to get rid of it.

My god damn room is a mess. Today marks 3 years since I lost the love of my life. I'm already drunk and it’s only 10 a.m. and of course, I, the drug addict, would take pills on a day like today. He would be so disappointed, but it’s finally come the time I read his suicide note, it’s finally the day, I’ve worked up the courage, I can do it. I need to do it. I must lock my door again, I can’t have another interruption. The door could’ve become unlocked. It’s locked, I’ve re-locked it twice now. I never imagined sitting on my bed, reading his note, his last words, whilst I’m a high and drunk mess. You’ll have that though, one of the greatest things Nicole ever taught me was to mask my feelings with drugs. I owe it to him. To read his last words. His voice still deserves to be heard.

Katrina,

I’m so sorry. I can’t keep doing this. I still kneel in the shower, and put my face down, letting the water puddle in my hands as if they could grow big enough to protect me from myself. The pain hits me randomly, it’s like I know I have lungs and I must be able to breathe, but I can’t, the air refuses to come. To this day, I get flashbacks, and I hate the feeling. It’s not normal. These are things you can’t forget. You want to rot because it’s better than being beat than being hurt. I have trouble believing anyone when they tell me they love me, but it’s easier with you. You told me I was your happiness and I gave you butterflies. My depression, my struggle, and my addiction gave you the determination to fight to make me happy. I’m sorry, but things are getting bad again. I should have never begun putting you through my pain. I don’t want help, I don’t want you to kill yourself fighting to save me, and I know you would if I didn’t stop you. You may not see it, and I doubt you will agree, but I’m doing what’s best. You have given me the greatest possible love, you have so much going for you, and you’re still so full of life, don’t lose that. Stay clean for me. I can’t fight anymore. Maybe that makes me a coward, but being a coward to the world is better than the pain that never leaves me, I’m tired of living in my hell. My eyes are full of tears writing this, and I can barely read. I owe my temporary feelings of joy to you. Anyone who knows me knows that if someone out there was going to save me, it would have been you. I can’t go on showering you in my pain, I can see the hurt in your eyes when you look at me. I hurt you because I’m so hurt I don’t know how to breathe anymore. If I die tonight, know that it’s for the best. Know that I haven’t truly been alive in a long time, that’s if I ever was at all. Don’t ruin yourself over me. Tell yourself what we had wasn’t real. Repeat to yourself that I never really loved you until you believe it. I treated you like a project, I manipulated you. Fool yourself into hating me. Because you’re going to see me in every single person. You’ll see some piece of me In everyone you meet. I know you, you’re going to look for me, whether you know you are or not, you’re going to seek me. If all of the words you said were true, you’re never going to give up looking for someone like me, you won’t find him. Find someone better. Find someone who fulfills you. You deserve a man who gives you the world even when he is falling apart. You deserve a love that doesn’t end, I want you to have those feelings again. I’m begging you not to look for me, I’m gone. I’m sorry that you’re never going to stop seeing pieces of me. Look for the good qualities, but I’m sure you’ll find the bad ones too. You’ll find my sense of humor in every funny movie, and all the chick flicks will remind you of our love. You’ll find my eyes in the face of a stranger and you’ll see my smile on little kids playing at the park. I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not. I was never sober. I told you I was because I knew if I got you started I could live with myself for leaving.

In reading this I thought I’d feel relieved, possibly ready to let the last of him go. But now I’m lost, more so than before. Now I’m angry, not with him, but with the world. You can’t hate someone for killing themselves, but you can hate the world for making them do it. You can hate the god or goddess or gods or goddesses you do or don’t believe in for letting it happen. I want to hate him, but I can’t because he’s not here, he took away my power to hate him, and so now I hate everything else. I hate everyone else. He wasn’t lying when he said I would see him in everyone. I see his good qualities somewhere in everyone, I see his bad qualities in every bad person but, I see him in everyone. It’s like when he died he became the universe, the universe swallowed him whole and he left a part of him in everyone. He picked who got his best qualities as if he knew I would find them. I do see his smile on the little kids playing at the park. I see his eyes in the only other man I’ve ever truly loved, they’re not the same, but the feelings in them are similar. I find his humor in every comedy. Sometimes I think maybe what he said was true, that he’d always be there for me whether physically present or not, because sometimes, on some of my worst days, I feel him. For just a minute, I can let myself pretend he isn’t gone. I can let myself pretend he never left this earth. Then my whole world comes crashing right back down. He swore to me he was sober. He promised. I think he only lied so I would be okay. I resent him for telling me to hate him. Because I can’t hate him, I want to so badly, but It’s impossible. Any pain he put me through was nothing compared to how he felt.

That's enough about him for now, as we're going to have to re-open that discussion later. Peach vodka sounds fantastic right now, I'll have a whipped pinnacle and peach smoothie. I could not have possibly made it any stronger than it is. Thank god for mind-altering substances, because quite frankly, I would be dead without them.

Nicole, if you're reading this, how did you do what you did? How were you content with yourself in the way you raised my sisters and me? Did you plan it all, or did you just go with the flow and lie when necessary? You never left a bruise, hell, you never even hit us. You scarred us permanently though, my sisters may not see it yet, but I do. Instead of giving us scars that would heal physically and show your crimes, you gave us invisible ones. The ones that people will deny us having for the rest of our lives. The ones that will always haunt us when we see you. You gave us scars that we can't get covered up with a pretty tattoo. You may not have hurt them as badly as me, but they don't deserve your games. I don't want them to experience even half of what I did.

Her games have left me empty, shallow, broken, and confused. I'm not confused about what she did or who she is, I'm confused about why. Why wasn't I good enough to deserve her love and compassion? What did I do so wrong? Why was I the one chosen to take on her role and try to fix my own life, and protect myself from someone who was supposed to protect and love me? I was forced to grow up so she could go backward. She wanted to live vicariously through me as if she wanted to become me. Everything I did, she did too. All the drugs I did, she just had to try, sometimes do them with me. Nothing was too far for her. She never told my dad though, "don't let your father find out" she would constantly imbed that into my head, it got to the point where I had become two people. One for my mother and one for my father. I remember breaking down one day, crying to myself because I felt like no one knew me and I didn't know who I was, and it was at that moment that I lost my sense of self. I'll probably never know who I am, or why. I have no clue who I want to be. I don't know how to become someone for myself, I've learned to feel as if I must adapt to everyone else.

Nicole told me everything and I mean everything. You may think, "oh that's not so bad, she's being open." Perhaps there are some things you should never tell your children. Some people should never be parents.

She loved to tell me how she was going to be so lost and sad when her "babies"(children all over the age of 10) leave her(by this she meant to grow up and go to school). How she liked sleeping around with all kinds of different men because it was fun and she was good at manipulating them. She told me about her sexual experiences and I wish she wouldn't have sometimes. She told me all kinds of things about her sex life, even asked for my commentary on the experience. Then later she changed many of her stories and said she was raped which had made me feel responsible if that's what had happened because I knew so maybe I should have known. She told me about the men she was dating and even introduced me to some, made sure I knew them well. Her 38-year-old boyfriend talked dirty to me, and the 36-year-old boyfriend did drugs with me, while we were living with him. He was a big mess, but not abusive. However, as soon as she got tired of him she claimed he beat her. She claimed he was abusive so that everyone would pity her. But, she was a liar. He never hurt her. I would have seen it, I would have known. Once again, she had made me question my entire life.

I know about everyone she hates though there aren't many. Now whether it was authentic or a horrible attempt at making me feel sympathy for her, I truly didn't know. I hate knowing everything and having been forced to be her diary, being forced to let her live through me, but she changed me to be what her idea of a kid was. It wasn't a kid at all. She refused to fix any of her problems, no matter how hard I tried to help her, she just wanted to be responsibility-free forever, and I got in the way of that, so she made me her excuse to act like a child. She forced herself to puke and bragged about it. Talking about how much weight she could lose and how quickly. It gave me my sort of eating disorder of feeling strong or like I achieved something by how much I was able to puke up. Still to this day, it's some stupid competition in my head. Drugs are her favorite, they were then too. At Least then it was just Benzos, weed, and hallucinogens. I was the only one who knew, that was stressful, keeping that secret. She constantly made me be someone I wasn't, and she forced me to be someone else for my dad. But I never did know who I was. There was "party secret keeper" me and there was "the most innocent child to exist" me, but I never knew who "me" was without being forced to put on an act one way or another.

chapter 3: The worst of you.

You broke my heart, but I should have known it was coming. It was too often that I looked into your pretty green-blue ocean eyes just to find them glazed over in a drug-induced haze. The last month with you made up for the years of torture. The torture of not knowing where you were or who you were with. Watching you burst into nothing but rage because you couldn’t find your next fix. I never wanted anything but to save you. And when you offered to be sober so long as I was, of course, I took you upon it. I thought you meant it, though I always had my doubts. 3 am is when most of our story was told. You called me every morning at 3, without a doubt, I could always expect that.

July 21st, 2017.

Time 3:00 am

I wake up in your arms and lay there silently as I’m sure you dream peaceful dreams that match the calm state of your face, I still see the shadow of mental exhaustion under your eyes. I breathe slowly, as to not disrupt your sweet dreams. I love you.

July 22nd, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You open your beautiful ocean blue-green eyes to start the beginning of your new adventure. Our fingers intertwined, our eyes locked as if we couldn’t look away. I couldn't ask for a better feeling. I love you.

July 23rd, 2017

Time 3:00 am

The scent of chocolate fills the room. It happens to be your favorite drink, surprisingly, hot chocolate, a drink no one would expect someone like you to like. A half-smile spreads across your face, the smile that tells me at this moment you’re happy. I love you.

July 24th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

I hold you close, but maybe not close enough, feeling the warmth and comfort of your body against mine made me happy though. You make me feel complete. I love you.

July 25th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You wake me up with a small forehead kiss. You seem to be happy today. That makes me smile. I love you.

July 26th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

The ring sits perfectly on my finger. With it, I promise you I’ll be okay, and I’ll follow our dreams. You have to leave soon, but I don't want you to leave. I never do. I love you.

August 5th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You're restlessly tossing and turning, I’m sure you haven't slept yet, you’re still withdrawing. I lean over and put my arm across you and place my body against yours. I worry because I wake up to the sound of you crying every time we sleep together. I try to pull you into me and you rest your head on my chest and quietly sob, pretending you’re just sleeping so I won’t notice. You’re stuck in this terrible life. I’m sorry. I love you.

August 6th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

Laying on the couch. I could see you staring at the wall, I felt you caressing my hand, softly. You kiss my cheek softly and then give me a warm smile. I see the pain in your eyes. It shatters my soul more every single second I look at you. You have to leave again soon. I want you to stay with me. I love you.

August 7th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You look like you've been crying for hours. I'm afraid you’re not okay again. I know you won’t tell me. I love you

August 8th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

you tell me that you don't want to get out of bed today. You tell me that you love me and that you're gonna be okay. I should know better but I believe you because I want to. I love you.

August 9th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You look like you’re on drugs again, but you won’t tell me that. Your face is pale and you’re always shivering. I love you.

August 10th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

I have yet to see you smile. You look at me over video chat and I know that you're fighting it, you can’t wait to congratulate me on one month of sobriety, and I can’t wait to congratulate you. In-person. Your kisses are always soft but lately, they have a chill to them. The warmth from you has disappeared, I’m worried that you want drugs again. You told me “I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not.” That makes me feel better. Maybe a party will cheer you up, I have a surprise planned for you tonight. I love you.

August 11, 2017

Time 6:00 am

You died at 1:53 am

I tried to wake you up but you don't stir. The party went silent. The pain in my chest is excruciating. I shook you and your rubber-banded bag fell to the floor. I hugged you harder as if it could bring you back. There is nothing I could do but cry. 15 minutes later I dialed 9-1-1 but I couldn’t speak, I cried so hard that no sound could even come out anymore. The sobs were so quiet they were loud. The ambulance got there, they put you on a stretcher. At first, I refused to let go of you, holding onto your hand, hugging your body with mine as if I could give you the life in me. It was so cold. D.O.A. I love you... The bed feels empty with you gone. The couch feels too big without you next to me. And the porch swing looks like a grave. I can’t go to the party house anymore. My hands feel cold without yours in them. I cried all night. The tears stopped coming out after a while, but I still sobbed. Your scent fills my nose and I cry more. I could have saved you. I'm empty without you. I should have known better. Your last words haunt me. I’m not sober anymore, I’m sorry. The note you left, I don’t think I can ever read it. I love you.

August 3rd, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I had a dream about you. You looked so happy, your wings matched your darkness. But Seeing your smile, your real one, made me feel good, so good that you are no longer only a dark spot in my memory.

August 5th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I made your favorite, hot chocolate, and a bacon peanut butter sandwich. I wish you had a grave, but they turned you to ash and put you god knows where. Even though you aren't here, the universe still reminds me of you. Even though I know you won't be waking up this time. I love you.

August 10th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I went to our spot today. I cried when I got home, I hurt so bad. I miss you more than anything. I love you. It's almost been a year.

August 11th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

The first anniversary of losing you. I refuse to accept that you’re gone. Just tell me you’re coming for me. Tell me you’re in some 3rd world country just hiding out like we always talked about, and you’re gonna come find me when I’m 18. I want this to all be a bad dream.

August 12th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

It's getting too hard to sleep. I slept in one of your t-shirts. It smelled just like your favorite cologne. I held it just like I would have held you. I love you. I miss you.

August 13th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

Your mom called to make sure I was okay, your parents are back in New England now. They miss you, it hurt to hear her cry. I guess she did love you in her way. I love you.

August 14th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I'm going crazy without you. This isn’t allowed to be real. I miss you. I miss your smell. I want you back. I love you.

August 15th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I visited our spot again yesterday. Remember what you told me? “I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not”. Those words haunt me, you spoke them the day before left me forever. I should have known. I wish I knew. Maybe then I could have saved you. I love you.

August 16th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I can't stand being without you anymore. I love you.

August 11th, 2019

Time 3:00 am

It’s been two years. I miss you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Please come back. I think I’m in love again. It scares me, but I know you’d like him.

August 12th, 2019

Time 3:00 am

No one gets that you weren’t the best thing in the universe, that you were an asshole sometimes, you weren’t always a good person. But you were good. You made life something more than it was and you showed me who I could be. You showed me who I am, in your own fucked up way that included you dying. And for that, I owe you.

August 3rd, 2020

Time 3:00 am

I've finally read the note you left me. I read it over and over. I’m crying so much writing this I can’t even see. Come back. I miss you. I love you.

August 5th, 2020

Time 3:00 am

Why did you have to go and do that? This all must be a fucking joke. I love you.

August 8th, 2020

Time 3:00 am

The day that marks 3 years since you left me is coming up quickly. I don’t want it to come. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to accept this. I miss our talks at our spot. I love you.

August 11th, 2020

Time 1:53 am

It’s been 3 years. Today is terrible. Come back. I love you.

I guess your anger is just as much a part of your story as your love. You loved me, that much everyone who knew you knew, but you had a funny way of showing it sometimes. The drugs clouded your memory, or at least you wanted me to think they did. Like the time you shot at someone who stole off of you. Your excuse was being high, but not until you knew how much it scared me. I’m not sure what you thought would happen had you shot him, but I don’t think you cared regardless. Maybe you always knew what you were doing, and you were too tired to control yourself. No matter what, a part of me will always be infatuated with you and a piece of my heart will always belong to you. Our story is one I can never forget, but as time goes on I see more flaws, I find more wrongdoings, and I learn to love you less.

Chapter 4

How have we gotten to this point? I woke up today in a great mood, but of course, Nicole couldn’t allow that. It’s been months since I spoke to her, but she’s pinned my best friend and his mother against me. She and her so-called husband say I told them I was going to turn them in. My best friend who deals drugs, and his mother who condones it and takes part. I know what you’re thinking, why the fuck are you, friends, with these people? Quite frankly, I don’t know, I guess I always have been. My best friend, Aaron, was the first guy I ever had a crush on. He was the only person who showed up to my 13th birthday party and he never did me wrong. He took my weed virginity, and he stuck up for me. He didn’t let kids bully me, though they sure tried. He didn’t back down, sometimes it felt like he was the only person on my side. If it weren’t for him my middle school experience would not have been nearly as mediocre as it was. At some points in life, he was all I had, and still, to this day, I can go to him with whatever and he does his best to help. Though, ever since Nicole started her bullshit and I told the police about her abuse, she has been trying to sway him to take her side. She’s good at doing that, she knows how to manipulate just about anyone. She had our entire family fooled for years, had them convinced she wasn’t a terrible person or on drugs.

I guess now is a good time to bring up Josh, the man who took my virginity, if you want to put it that nicely. By that I mean the 19-year-old who forcibly had sex with 13-year-old me, whilst I was high on pills in Victoria’s closet. Victoria was my BFF, we did everything together, mostly drugs. Sometimes random friends of friends would stay at her house, and one time we made a huge mistake. I still remember the feeling, being dragged from bed and onto the ground, through the closet doors. I can still hear how loud the sliding door shut. I remember how it felt, my clothes being ripped off of me, sloppily and just good enough for him to get to where he wanted. He clasped his hand around my throat to keep me pinned down as if I wasn’t already paralyzed by the pills he offered me. Surely I took them, I was too high to know better. I didn’t feel anything, but that was the torture of it. I knew what was happening, and I was unable to stop it. My body was motionless, but he got off on it. His evil grin and cold eyes are permanently ingrained in my brain, I’ll never forget his face because that’s all I could look at. I’ll never forget it because I’m forced to remember. Good thing I never felt it, I’m sure that would be a whole other nightmare. I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to Nicole, but let me tell you, I told her about the invasion of my body, and she doubted me. I told her what happened and she told me I was wrong. She told me I wasn’t that high, I could have stopped it if I didn’t want it. She told me I wanted it. I the 13-year-old, of course, believed my mom, only to figure out it was sexual assault 2 years later. Nicole of course did absolutely nothing, as per usual. She could have saved me that night. I called her, I wanted to go home because I didn’t feel safe and I thought I was too high, she came and saw me, she told all the people there I was fine, even went as far as saying I was faking it. Maybe she’s the reason I got raped that night, maybe he took my silence as consent because he thought I was sober. Maybe he was rough because he thought my silence meant I liked it. Maybe I only imagined saying stop, perhaps it never came out of my mouth. Or perhaps my pleas to stop convinced him to continue. How could I know anyways? I was in a drug-fueled haze, maybe I remember wrong and I never said stop. I guess that’s the downfall of getting high, you never know what happened. Everything is foggy and the details are blurry. It’s like trying to remember a dream after you wake up, you wonder what happened and the longer you’re awake the blurrier the memory gets. The longer you’re sober, the blurrier your high adventures become. Just because I’ve been thinking about this long enough to write it down, anxiety is jolting through my veins. It starts at the back of my throat, pushing its way up from the inside out, a sting that becomes so much more. The line between what is fear and what is real is becoming blurrier by the second. It feels as if my words are stuck in my throat, stopping me from screaming, from letting my feelings out. This is my brain's way of telling me my words aren’t worth much right now, quite frankly it’s not wrong. He tore my soul to pieces as my pleas ran through his mind as “convince me” “keep going” “I like it”. I can still see his cold, hungry eyes in my dreams sometimes. Imagining his face sends shivers down my spine as I continually play what he did to me over and over again as if something could change the more I think into it. He broke me, crushed my being, my soul, and outright stole my voice. I can’t possibly continue to look at myself in disgust over this man, because it is he who should rot, not me. I’m worth more than becoming the perfect victim, I choose to be a victor. Sometimes I don't think I can do it, my motivation is wanting to be further in life than anyone who has ever hurt me, and I'm already there.

Chapter 5: The Man Who Loved Me Once

The man who loved me once, the one who broke my heart into pieces. Leo tore me to pieces, but I thought I was in love with him. It took a month in a psychiatric facility to conclude that he never loved me. I was 15 with a 21-year-old man. He convinced me it was okay along with Nicole constantly praising me for it. “Damn haha you are just like me”

February 3rd, 2018

I told him to stop, I told him no. I told him I didn't want to do this. I begged and pleaded but that meant nothing to him. He didn't stop, he didn't understand “no”, my begs and pleads for him to stop rang through his ears as “convince me”. His right hand roamed my body, It made me shiver. His left hand went between covering my mouth to shut me up, and pushing me back up against the brick wall. He kissed my lips roughly to silence me, pushing me hard against the wall. His fingers scratched into my skin, making me squirm. I couldn't move much though, the pills he put in my drink prevented me from doing that, what a lovely redo of the last man who hurt me. This one at least did not do it with people around, though it was dark, we were in a public place. He called me baby girl and told me "I am going to fuck you so good". I showered 3 times today, and no one questioned it. I did not eat anything for a few days, and no one questioned it. Maybe you did not mean to hurt me, maybe you thought I liked it. I still love you.

February 27th, 2018

He hit me today, it's not the first time. Hell, it is not even the second or third time, honestly, I have lost count. He loves me. He apologized and then we cuddled and watched a movie. He will change, I know I can fix him. He never means to hurt me. He is a good man and people do not want to try to understand. I have to cover the bruises, good thing it is winter and I can wear a hoodie every day. He makes me sad but he does not mean it. He loves me and I know it.

March 15th, 2018

Today he took me to meet his parents. I had to lie and say I was 18. I pretended I was in college. He made me. He just did not want his parents to give him shit like they always do. He said it was fine that we had an age difference. I trust him, I would do anything for him. I love him.

March 28th, 2018

Today he tried to drown me. It was my fault. I remember passing out and waking up with no clothes. I guess he put them in the dryer because they were wet. He wasn't himself when he did it, I am sure there is just something going on mentally. I can fix him. I can help him. I know he loves me. I know he can get help, I want to help him.

April 3, 2018

I saw him today, our visit was cut short because Nicole wanted me to come home. She knows about him and me, she just missed me because I have been at friends’ houses and with Leo all week. He was pretty mean today, he grabbed me by the throat and I am beginning to think that he needs more help than I can give him. My throat is sore and it is bruised on the side. I will have to wear my hair down. He loves me so much that the pain is worth it. I do not want to lose him. The way he strokes my hair and holds me, while he is apologizing after he has done something that harmed me is so sweet. I love it when he buys me flowers and sometimes he is good for a while. The pain is worth it for the love.

April 8th, 2018

He raped me. He put a glass bottle inside of me, and my vagina bled. He got me drunk, and we started making out, then he fucked me, relentlessly, roughly. He bruised me. In between my legs. My dad picked me up, it was the worst experience of my life. I still love him and I do not want to anymore. I am being punished for it because Nicole will not tell my dad she knew everything. I am being punished for being raped. I am broken. I need help.

April 24th, 2018

I spent nearly a month in a psychiatric facility, it has helped me a lot. My roommate was awesome. I had a nurse in there, a youngish, beautiful, and kind African American woman, she is the reason I am still alive. I am so grateful to have met that woman and another one of the therapists there. It has helped me so incredibly much. I hate that I am still being punished for being raped because I was not, not allowed there. I had permission. I did not do anything without my mom's permission, yet she and my dad punished me for being raped. As in it was my fault. As if I did it to myself. How was I supposed to know any better with Nicole telling me it was okay? I have grown to hate my dad, I make sure he knows it and I feel no remorse for what I say. He sucks and I wish I was just with my mom. I still love Leo, but he never loved me, except once.

I have grown so much since then. I used to think so highly of Nicole. I thought it was awesome to have a mom that helps you sneak around and break rules. I thought so highly of her and I wanted to be exactly like her. I wanted to smoke and drink and be high all of the time because I thought it was so cool. I thought it was normal at that. I just could not realize that she was no good. My dad was the only one who wanted what was best for me, and still to this day he does. He was the one who saw how poorly I was doing and made an effort towards getting me better. He did not even know half of it and from the time he found out and forward, he gave me all of the acceptance and care and love I needed. I regret ever being so mean to him. I know you are wondering what the hell I said to him, so I will make a list.

-I hate you

-You are a terrible dad

-I will never speak to you again

-You are the reason I am so messed up

-I never want to see you again, you suck and I fucking hate you, don't you dare tell me to watch my mouth, you don't get to tell me what to do because you aren't my dad anymore {then I called him by his first name}

-I do not want you in my life

I hate myself for the things I said to my dad. He is one of the kindest, most caring, and genuinely good human beings I know. He does everything he can to make sure my sisters and I can have what we want. He has a job therefore a steady income. He gets us any reasonable thing we want. I am so lucky to have a dad like him because not everyone gets a good dad, I love my dad. He and I finally have an amazing father, daughter relationship and I feel so much better. I wish I never said those hurtful awful things to him, I wish that Nicole never ingrained my brain with lies about him making him seem bad. Now my sisters are saying very similar but even meaner hurtful things to my dad. He does so well for them and they hate him because Nicole is good at brainwashing.

Dad, if you are reading this, I want you to know, it was never your fault for anything that happened. You could not have known, Nicole manipulates well. I love you and you are an awesome dad.

My mind is in a muddle. I can not seem to think straight for some reason. Nicole manipulated me so much I question my trauma. she told my dad and me that I faked being raped so I would not be in trouble. When I went to the party, she said it was real for a while, until it was no longer convenient for her to use. "My poor baby, I feel so bad seeing my daughter shower 5 times a day". Then when it was not getting her attention anymore, she said I was lying.

I wish I knew what to do with the thoughts that are flooding my brain right now. Once you become happy, and you come to be at peace with yourself, you can be okay. However, your demons stick with you forever. Once an addict, always an addict, but that does not make you a bad person. It shows how strong you are when you get sober. Your demons follow you, but you can restrain them, you can imprison them and throw them into the back of your brain. That alone makes you a survivor. Being a victim of rape and having PTSD is just the same. It is hard to suppress the memories, and it is even harder to work through them, but it is possible, I know it is because I am doing it. Your demons follow you, you have to realize that they do not own you.

Nicole is part of the reason I am mentally ill. I hate her for that. I hate her for many things. I wish her the worst. However, I am not going to let her win. I do not hate her, I hate what she did, I hate the way she groomed me into her idea of a good daughter. I hate how she manipulated me into believing my dad was no good, and he drank too much and he ignored us on the weekends for shooting/hunting. I regret not letting my dad have a relationship with me for years. She is not winning this one. I hate everything she did, but I will leave it to someone else to hate her because I am sure other people do.

I have always been in love with Leo, but as time passes by, I realize that nothing he did was good or okay. He was only ever "nice" to manipulate me. I wish I had known then what I know now. I am slowly getting over him and trying to ignore the intrusive thoughts about him. He was like a drug, and I got addicted.

My current boyfriend is amazing, and I could not have asked for someone better.

Chapter 6: This Is Today

Hypomania can be nice, I was hypomanic for like a month, keyword fucking “was”. I’d like to clear the misconception that mania means you’re happy, it doesn’t. I can’t be confrontational right now because no matter what it’s about I’m approaching it like a fight even if you’re approaching it like a discussion. It’s one hell of a fucking high and if you’ve ever done hard drugs you know that it’s usually not good the whole time you’re on a binge after a week or so. You know it’s more intense the more you do and the less you can function. Mania is such an intense thing that it makes you feel like you are on drugs when you aren’t, and as someone who used to do a lot of them, that’s scary, because it brings back so many memories, and for me, that fuels the mania more, it is just feeding the fire. Okay, so imagine like a 2-month long drug binge or drinking (alcohol) binge with the given random withdrawals and mood swings, The comedowns, and the intense parts where you think you’re on top of the world and life could not possibly get better.. Okay? Now imagine having no control over when you feel like you’re coming down when you feel high or drunk when you feel hungover when you are high or drunk at all. Imagine 24/7 constant torture of not knowing what’s next. Don’t fucking romanticize mania, don’t romanticize this. Here I am, in my bathtub, with a bottle of cheap vodka that tastes more like the smell of hand sanitizer than any alcohol at all, and I’m on 2 bars of Xanax (I was coming up on a year sober). Here I am, hot water pouring onto my trembling body in hope that it will ease my trembling, it feels like I’ve been in here for days and it’s only been hours, yet all of my tears are gone. I’ve drained myself of tears and I can’t seem to cry anymore. It's just a dull sob, heavy breathing, shaky hands, a blotchy face, and a trembling body. You think my symptoms would be numbed but I feel like they’re more lifelike now. I feel trapped within them, as if they own me, just like he owned me. I wish I could say he never did but for a while there I was stuck in his abyss. I haven’t slept in way too fucking long. Yes, I am on meds, no they are not working. I’m talking to my psychiatrist as soon as I can. Last night and these past few hours(it’s 3:48 a.m.) have been terrible, I’ve been up talking and pacing and shaking and crying all night in utter paranoia full of what I'm self-aware enough to know are only delusions, going from laughter to crying excessively to panic attacks that feel like the end of the world, to pouring my heart out to a girl I’ve been friends with for a week and telling her all of my trauma(shout out to you dude thank you) to trying to buy fucking animals(specifically a monkey) off of the Internet. Even though I only collectively have $6.00. Mania is embarrassing yourself publicly or even just within your household and not fucking remembering what you did or how you did it or why. Mania is bad life choices and excessive cleaning and exhaustion and impulsivity, for example: “wanna get drunk” yeah I’m drunk rn but sure why not. “Wanna have sex?” Yeah okay “ I don’t have a condom” that’s cool just pull out or don’t I don’t care. Mania is hurting the people you love because they can see how lost you are and how broken you are and how you can’t see that you need help. Mania is researching, stalking, fucking obsessively trying to find your abuser/rapist on the internet because you’re curious as to how he’s doing. Mania is trying to convince everyone around you that you’re fine because you want to be fine because you don’t want it to happen again until you’re so not fine you can’t avoid it anymore. Sometimes you just get stuck in fucking mania and you can’t get out. Sometimes you get hypomanic and start a book then as it progresses into mania you write more and more *cough* me *cough*.

Life has never exactly been easy, and I’ve always had difficulties concluding that nothing that’s happened is my fault, and truly it is not. However, blaming myself has always been easier than blaming everyone else. In complete honesty, Nicole ruined so much of my life and damaged my psyche. The way I view the world will never be innocent, my innocence is gone and I’m not sure I could get it back if I tried to. How much of my life would have been different had I not been an addict? What if Nicole never was abusive? What if I was never raped? What if I did fewer drugs? What if I never told my dad about Nicole? I could go on with the questions, but that probably won’t get us anywhere. It’s funny to think of who I could have become. Maybe I would be a sheltered little bitch with no sense of humor or sense of self. Maybe I would still to this day be a drug addict. The what if’s don’t matter, because they are simply that, what if’s. They don’t mean anything, but my past means everything. I don’t hold grudges against anyone for anything, I try not to hate, but I do strongly dislike Nicole. I do wish she wasn’t such a raging bitch. I wish she could just stop being a piece of shit. I wish my life wasn’t destroyed, yet I am beyond thankful for how beautifully broken I am.

I'll have such loud intrusive thoughts that they feel like voices. It's like there are two people in my head sometimes 3 or 4, constantly talking over one other, and then me trying to get them to stop long enough for me to hear myself think. I will also have snippets of words, phrases, phantom sounds, or music. I begin to hear whole words, phrases, even random sounds, and parts of songs. Sometimes I don’t even know the songs. “Just shut up, no one likes you”

“do it anyway, don’t be a pussy”

“they’ll think you’re crazy, be careful who you tell”

“secret secret secret”

“stop thinking about him”

“don’t stop thinking about it”

I’m sure the thoughts, the voices I’m hearing don’t sound all that terrible, but they are. You’re probably wondering why I let them bother me.

Just imagine constantly hearing the same things over and over and over and instead of letting the voice become a redundant muttering, it becomes more meaningful every time you hear it. They become more hurtful. They become louder with every waking breath. This form of existence is painful. The world wants me to be the same thing I want to be, but I don’t know if this is even me.

I struggle a lot with that. It makes me feel like I led two lives and honestly you’re one of the only people who heard about a lot of my “high adventures” I’ll call them, and I do apologize for telling you about me doing drugs and stuff, you were too young to be hearing about that(you aren’t too young now). However, because I am an addict I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And I did drugs to cope with my existence and how secret I had to keep anything that had to do with Nicole.

The voices in my head won’t shut up. They scream and yell, and go in circles taking turns talking, seeing who can be the loudest. My head is constantly racing. There is constantly something going on in my head. I just want it all to stop. The only things to drown them out are drugs. Maybe I will start taking benzos again, that calmed them last time.

[lumikinetic]

Mega Spoilers She Ra S4

Under the cut!! Last chance!!

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1. Double Trouble

God I love them I love them I love them. As I said on twitter I speculated that Double Trouble was what Catra needed. A friend. Sure, Scorpia was there but she was never gonna recognise Scorpia for who she was and what she meant to Scorpia and true to form, it was only after she realised Scorpia was truly never coming back that she honestly started to miss her. But she was never going to appreciate Scorpia I think because she was too much like Adora. She shows kindness. She shows empathy and love and joy, all the things the Rebellion stands for, all the things Adora left her for and when Scorpia told her she was a bad friend and left her, like Adora did, she became a second Adora in her eyes. Another person who left. Now Double Trouble (who I've been calling Dub, first to save space on my tweets and then it just stuck), they're nothing like Adora. They're treacherous and sneaky and dirty, just like she believes herself to be, like she has to believe herself to be, because otherwise she would have to admit she's worthy of love, friendship, happiness and worthy of Adora, and so Catra feels like she can really be friends with them. She doesn't want to show it because she's still hurting from being burned before but Dub's not having that shit they pick up on it real fast and tease her about having fun. Not even beginning to delve into the genius of using Dub as a narrative device of calling everybody on their bullshit, Dub then finds Catra after her fight with Hordak and gives her the straight facts but what I really liked was they didn't say "I know there's still good in you", they said "you were never cut out to be the bad guy" like that was so smart of them. Dub's thing is that they know everyone, they know how they think and act so they know if they tell Catra she's still good (like Adora keeps saying) her abandonment issues are gonna kick in and she's gonna lose it and lash out. By telling her she wasn't cut out to be a villain, oh man where do I even start?

It's harsh, yes but maybe Catra believes she deserves harsh. If she is told she's still good, that gives hope and she's had too much false hope to ever accept that again

Because Dub can see people for who they really are, they can see Catra has been left too many times. Adora left, Scorpia left, she thought Dub left and they accurately predicted that would break her, Glimmer will return to Bright Moon at some point and I think there might be some reluctant bonding while they're in space, so Dub gave Catra an out. "Everyone else left. You can too." That's what they're really saying, I think.

Putting her down provides a new option for Catra yes, but it's still putting her down. It was mean, true but again, I think it's what Catra believes she deserves right now. And so she resigns. She collapses, defeated and when Glimmer shows up, she says she'd rather die because it's better than leaving, even if it's by her own free will. She's had enough of leaving.

Of course, Catra turns herself right around and trades Hordak in for Horde Prime, pledging her allegiance to a newer, superior, stronger Hordak but she can't unhear what Double said to her. She can't unfeel her feelings, no matter how hard she tries. And that seed will grow and grow in her mind until eventually the time will come where she's gotta make a decision - does she finally leave for herself and shed herself of the Horde or does she continue to play at being the villain, because she knows she doesn't have what it takes to be the hero?

2. Catra

Catra is a princess! Of course she's a princess! The biggest evidence, the cat that can be seen in the corner when Light Hope shows all the princesses to Adora, telling her about the purpose of She-Ra. I have no idea why but the fact Catra's head gear make a metallic sound when it hits the floor when she takes it off somehow made me think it was an heirloom or something, maybe a token of royalty. And if Entrapta doesn't need a Runestone to qualify as a princess, then why can't Catra?! But anyway I think Catra knows she's a princess. She's never going to admit it of course, but she knows. And I think that's where her abandonment issues stem from. The Horde obviously lied to her, like they did to Scorpia and how her family let the Horde have the Black Garnet but Catra is smart, smarter than she gives herself credit for. She figures it out and realises she's been lied to. She doesn't leave, maybe because she's too caught up in her emotions to decide what to do, because she's found someone she can trust in Adora and she doesn't want to leave her, or simply because the easiest thing to do is stay. Whatever the reason, she stays, knowing that her family never actually rejected her but the self-doubt remains and grows. What if they did? What if my family never wanted me? What if they cast me out for something I did? What if they turned me over to the Horde in exchange for keeping their lands safe? And when Adora leaves her, everything she questioned becomes true except the focus shifts from her kingdom and a possibility to her best friend and a certainty.

Along comes Double Trouble. They see she's not a villain. They see she just wants to belong to something. And they put it together too so they plant the seed. What if my family wanted me all along? What if I could leave? Everyone else did. What if I went ahead and did what I want to do instead of what I have to do? And when the time comes for her to decide if she's going to leave and forge her own path, she can decide to head to Adora or seek out her kingdom. If you wanna get really into it, you could say Catra is a representation of her kingdom, like the other princesses are and it gives an insight into what her kingdom might look like and be, culturally. Perfuma controls nature, so she's a very spiritual hippie type person. Frosta is cold and distant (even though she opens up, that's how we meet her). Mermista is uncaring, like the ocean when it kills you and no one will ever know because it is a vast void both above and below the surface I have a fear of the ocean, in case you could not tell. Catra is cunning, proud and vicious. Caring when she wants to be but hostile because she feels she needs to be. Catra's kingdom is probably an outland tribe, not too far off from what the Crimson Waste is like, but with laws and guards and stuff like any other kingdom, shunned from the princess alliance for their unpredictable nature (you might even say the princess alliance left them?) and so have trust issues with princesses. This is why Scorpia was obviously a Princess, because she was so happy and positive all the time like the other princesses but Catra hides it so well because she's naturally mean and calloused. It'd be so dope if Catra was an Anti-Princess, like the Dark Jedi in Star Wars.

Alternatively, she was nice and her kingdom is nice but the Horde rubbed off on her. Either way, Catra's arc ends when she starts to attempt to be good and finding her kingdom might be the first step in doing that. My ideal ending for Catra's character arc, regardless of whether she is a princess or not, is she finds someone or something to help her overcome her PTSD, abandonment issues and anger management problems (I REALLY HOPE IT'S RAZZ) and she joins the Rebellion as a black ops agent, doing infiltration and sabotage missions but she keeps her S4 outfit and everyone just lets her cause they all agree it fucks. (Noelle please give me vigilante black ops Catra but give her therapy first.)

Quick thing I wanted to add before posting after reading back over this - the scene where she removes her head gear and sobs on the floor of the control room. I think she's wondering why she didn't just leave with Adora. Why she didn't just leave to find her real family. Why she didn't just leave to find herself. Why she didn't just leave. And it eats away at her soul every goddamn day she spends in the Fright Zone, but she can't stop now, she's come too far.

3. Glimmer

Oh man. Oh man. This Micah/Glimmer reunion is gonna be HEAVY. Truly, the She-Ra fandom is Atlas. Honestly, I wanna say it was Shadow Weaver that started to turn her into Dark Glimmer but I don't think that was it. This whole season, Shadow Weaver has just been like "bro I am just s. I am just sitting here". She's very literally done nothing wrong. She's just been gardening and giving Glimmer magic lessons. Dub is to blame with that. Their twisting of Glimmer's mind set her on that path and all it took was Adora to disagree with her on one thing and she exploded and thought "if no one will fix it, then I'll do it". Her regret at what she'd done on Horde Prime's ship probably means she'll profusely apologise but that's really all there is to say on that issue. Other that, everything I can say about Glimmer will come to me when she meets Micah.

4. Scorpia

Hell yes my baby. Episode 6 was so good. When I think about Scorpia and Catra's relationship, I think about this line by Alex Hunter AKA HiTop Films on YouTube in one of his Spider-Man essays I forget which one (but you should go watch all of them anyway cause they're all really good and go watch his other stuff and support him on Patreon, if you can) about the relationship between MJ and Harry in the Raimi Spider-Man trilogy:

Maybe Harry (Scorpia) loves her (Catra) the best Harry Osborn COULD love someone, but it's not the love she needs.

It doesn't fit Scorpia and Catra exactly so I'll explain. Obviously Scorpia loves Catra a lot but Catra's not the right person she needs to love, nor does Catra need love herself. She will need it, eventually, but right now Catra needs therapy. She needs help before she needs love and she needs to work out her own issues. That leaves Scorpia with a big heart and no one to fill it with. Ironically it's a robot that helps her realise Catra isn't good for her. It's hard for Scorpia to hear but Emily has to show her that Entrapta was her real friend and they had fun together and what Catra and her have is not fun. Then the next step in moving out of Catra's abusive relationship is the Royal Hall. It's here that Scorpia has to admit to herself that the Horde weren't pleasant, if tough, diplomats who simply negotiated ownership of the Runestone. She doesn't even know any of the members of her family except her grandfather and even then she was too young to remember him and she realises that the Horde eradicated her culture when the colonised the place and she's hurt. She's really and truly broken and to make matters worse, Emily is still trying to tell her that her friend isn't really her friend. It's difficult to face these two massive truths but Scorpia hides her pain. Not to run from it, like Catra, but because she's Scorpia, and Scorpia doesn't give up. So she seeks out the princesses. She knows she's a princess so she hopes she'll find some belonging there and she's right. After some understandable hostility, she's greeted. Not very warmly but still greeted. Her first friend is Perfuma, which I think is so fitting because Perfuma is the princess most like Scorpia, she's all about love and positivity and acceptance so of course she's gonna be the first to treat her with an equal amount of kindness that Scorpia would readily give anyone and everyone else. Frosta is next, the princess who knows what it's like to be an outsider, having shut off her kingdom from the outside world for so long and it's at Bright Moon Scorpia finally gets to give a real hug, not one where people squirm out of her grasp. One where she gets hugged back.

Backtracking a little, when Scorpia said to Emily that Catra has been under a lot of pressure and that's why she's acting this way, I don't think she was making excuses for her behaviour, I think she really notices how close Catra is to snapping completely. Since the moment she realised Adora wasn't coming back to the Horde, Catra has just been completely shit on, episode after episode. Nothing goes right for her and it piles on and on and on and Scorpia's been right beside her this whole time watching it happen. Except Catra doesn't have her optimism, she's got spite and rage so she can't handle it as well as Scorpia and Scorpia knows this so even when she admits Catra was abusive and cruel, she still wants to help, because she is a good person. And good people help others, help those in pain, no matter what.

[princessamericachavez]

FJORD’S PLAYLIST

Welcome to my overthinking where I literally meta over meta. Because what else am I supposed to do when Travis gives me such a good Fjord playlist to freak out over. 

So, y’know, meta under the cut. Here we go:

1. Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea by Missio

Panic. Confusion. The cold, dark and salty depths with no end in sight. And then light — but, how? Fjord shouldn’t be here. What is he forgetting? No time to ponder or fight something that seems to have a plan of its own.

I FEEL LIKE FJORD’S DROWNING WAS WAAAAY MORE TRAUMATIC THAN WE AS A FANDOM ACKNOWLEDGE, OKAY?

Like, way way waaaaay more horrifying than just “I passed out and woke up in the beach with cool new powers” and more “I think I literally died.”

The berth surrounding my body crushing every bit of bone The salt, it seeps in through the pores of my open skin I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue sea I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue

Fjord shouldn’t be here. How many times do you think he’s thought that? Not only the fact that he should, by all accounts, be dead, but that out of his whole crew why would he get to live while everyone else is lost and gone. 

Fjord has some fucking deep survivor’s guilt, y’all. I’m telling you. 

2. The Funeral by Band of Horses

Things seem the same – but where is Vandran? Who will guide Fjord now? One thing is for sure, the Fjord he was before is dead and gone. Bury the pain and live on.

AGAIN, I FEEL LIKE WE AS A FANDOM DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE ENOUGH HOW FREAKING LOST FJORD IS WITHOUT VANDRAN. (i will never get used to that freaking spelling but I guess it’s the official so fine)

He was Fjord’s mentor, father figure and overall savior. He’s the person who made the difference in his life, who pulled him out of what seems like hell and gave him a purpose and sense of self. Losing that is no small deal, and I think a lot of his actions in the past several episodes have been guided by that pain and that need to find out at least what happened to him and who this man was before they met. 

To the outside the dead leaves, they're on the lawn Before they died, had trees to hang their hope

He didn’t even get to give Vandran a proper funeral or goodbye, y’all.

Fjord’s whole arc is just one last desperate attempt to connect to Vandran, to feel like he maybe hasn’t lost him entirely (probably the reason Jester keeps bringing him up, too; she knows Fjord the best and probably understand that urge is what’s driving him).

3. Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi

Time to go. Keep moving and don’t look back. Fjord’s only known two lives — one he loved and valued, the other he detested and wishes he could forget. Only by moving north and away from this city will Fjord be able to start fresh. Now to disappear… ya’ll.

Time to go. Keep moving and don’t look back. I’ve said this before, and I will say it again: Fjord is a survivor. He’s gotten this far by not giving up, by doing whatever it takes to survive, and he’s not about to stop and give up now. 

He’s lost everything he ever had, good and bad, he’s lost the little sense of stability he grew to cherish, and all he has now is the drive to start again. To not give up. 

It's all the same, only the names will change Everyday, it seems we're wastin' away Another place where the faces are so cold I drive all night just to get back home

He’s never been anyone, anyway, never had a family, a last name, property... all he has is himself and his resolve to keep going.

4. The Sound of Silence by Disturbed

Love me some Disturbed, and this rendition builds like one of Fjord’s dreams. Terrifying and incredible visions flood his mind, and his confusion is only matched by the sometime physical manifestations that accompany his dreams. Can’t help but think of Caleb’s memories at the same time.

WOAH TRAVIS. 

I feel so bad because Fjord seems to really be terrified of whatever is happening to him, even when some of it might be incredible and peak his curiosity, it feels like he’s just freak out. 

Also interesting to feel like maybe Fjord finds a ghost of that darkness in Caleb, perhaps what drives him to confide in him, or trust him to stop the darkness if Fjord loses his way.

Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

“Left its seed while I was sleeping” is such an on-point way to put the way Fjord is shaken by this visions, mulling over them when he wakes, trying to figure them out. After every dream, you can see his stance shift slightly as he tries to adapt to whatever new knowledge he acquired.

5. How Far I’ll Go by Auliʻi Cravalho

Let’s be honest – this is totally Fjord. Plus, you bitches were kidding yourself if you thought some musical numbers weren’t going in this playlist. Also, Disney.

FJORD IS A DISNEY PRINCE CONFIRMED. 

Travis is a dork, also confirmed. 

For real, though, I feel like this song captures Fjord’s excitement with his new life. He’s constantly pushing to see how far he can take his powers. For the first time, he probably feels there’s a chance that he will be someone, that he will “go to distance” (sorry not sorry). The world is no longer an island for Fjord, it extends beyond the horizon and he’s hungry (also not sorry) to see and experience it all.

Every turn I take, every trail I track Every path I make, every road leads back To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me And no one knows, how far it goes If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

Also, for the first time in the list, this song is so full of hope for big and good things. I’m all here for this. LET FJORD ENJOY HIS NEW LIFE AFTER A LIFE TIME OF SUFFERING AND LOSS. PLEASE.

6. Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

We’re going to get each other killed. Who’s in charge of this ragtag bunch of misfits and criminals? And if no one is in charge, does anyone know what we’re doing? Pretty sure the answer is “no.” One thing is for sure, it’s best for the common stranger to mind their manners when addressing The Mighty Nein. Unless it’s a kind word, best keep your thoughts to yourself and move along, amigo.

I laughed so damn hard when I read this because that’s such an ON POINT definition of the M9. 

Group of Heathens? Check. Gonna get each other killed? Check. Who tf is in charge? Check. 

However, it also shed light in the idea that the M9 are dangerous and better not be crossed. It almost sounds like Fjord enjoys that. Can you blame him, after being through hell? To have a group of people where he feels like he has some power, that he can earn respect, that he can defend himself and those he loves? Unless it’s a kind word, best keep your thoughts to yourself and move along, amigo.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?" But after all I've said, please don't forget

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF THE ABUSE.

There’s a very strong sense in this song of “even if the world is against us we look after each other” and I love that mindset for this little group of disasters.

7. Overburdened by Disturbed

The weight of Fjord’s responsibilities weigh on him constantly. New powers, new mission, new friends, new crew. The last time he felt this comfortable, everything was ripped away from him — violently. He feels like the waves may be breaking over his head, and struggling to catch his breath he must keep a calm demeanor and steady hand — and push on.

We all know Fjord has been in over his head but it’s nice to see Travis put it so clearly. I think it’s also interesting to be reminded that most of Fjord’s calm and in control demeanor is just a front to hide his doubts and fears. The best example for that? The whole thing with Avantika and how some of the M9 (and the fandom) feared some of that was for real when his goal has always EXPLICITLY been to protect his friends.

Hell is still overburdened I must stand and wait in line Hell is still overburdened How have I been so determined maligned?

There’s the closing of the curtain In the play that was my life Countless chapter’s left unopened, tragedies inside I was fighting for a reason Holy blessed homicide Seems I have committed treason All I’ve sacrificed

In the end, though, he walks a thin line and falling over to the wrong side is all too easy.

8. Pray For Me by The Weekend, Kendrick Lamar

How dope was the Black Panther soundtrack? Fjord feels strange and exciting powers surging within him, and as much as he wants to push the envelope of what he’s capable of, he must rely on those he’s closest with to check him, to keep him grounded — or he might lose more than just his sense of self.

That’s such a good way of putting it. If Fjord dares push for this powers and chase his curiosities at all, it’s probably bevause he’s counting on the M9 to tell him when he goes too far.

I’m always ready for a war again Go down that road again It’s all the same I’m always ready to take a life again You know I’ll ride again It’s all the same (ooh, ooh, ooh) Tell me who’s gon’ save me from myself When this life is all I know Tell me who’s gon’ save me from this hell Without you, I’m all alone

I just really love the idea that Fjord is willing to go as far as it takes to survive, to neverbbe powerless again, to protect himself. That he is always ready to do what it takes… And that’s what he needs true saving from. Himself.

When Travis talks about Fjord losing more than his sense of self, I suspect he means his new friends. He’s afraid to lose their trust, and that might just be the thing that keeps him from risking too much. It does well to have something to lose, something worth protecting even over our own desires.

Without you, I’m all alone.

9.Sunflower by Post Malone & Swae Lee

It’s easy to let all of life’s shit get you down — and sometimes, you need only look as close as your friends. Watching Jester move through life with boundless exuberance is contagious.

YOU KNOW I’M GONNA MAKE A WHOLE ASS POST ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR SONG RIGHT?

So I’m not gonna go too hard om the shipper feels right now. Not too much, anyway.

Just let me get emotional about Jester being Fjord’s literal beacon of light in all this darkness, in him being pulled along with her happiness and shenanigans, loving her pranks and silliness… As much as Fjord got a sense of self amd belonging with Vandran and his crew, did he ever have a true friend that could lift his spirits like this before?

Every time I’m leavin’ on ya You don’t make it easy, no, no Wish I could be there for ya Give me a reason to go Every time I’m walkin’ out I can hear you tellin’ me to turn around Fightin’ for my trust and you won’t back down Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh

I think this is so important, both in light of what we mentioned earlier and in Fjord’s current arc. Jester constantly pulling him back in when he goes too far, not giving up on him, making him wish he was better and that he could protect her too.

They look after each other.

I’m fine.

ALSO JUST LET ME SCREAM ABOUT TRAVIS ADDING A WHOLE SONG JUST FOR JESTER FOR A WHOLE MINUTE BECAUSE I’M FEELING SO BLESSED AND VALIDATED. SHE IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT TO HIM.

10.Unsteady (Elrich Lee Gravity Remix) by X Ambassadors

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. And looking around at the people that now surround him, Fjord feels like they are building an increasingly strong chain.

Listen, Fjord my boy is already so attached and dependent of his friends and feels so much stronger and steadier thanks to them after a lifetime of fear and rejection. I’m so emotional.

Mama, come here Approach, appear Daddy, I’m alone ‘Cause this house don’t feel like home If you love me, don’t let go If you love me, don’t let go Hold Hold on Hold on to me 'Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady

DON’T YOU DARE LET GO OF HIM YOU GUYS HE NEEDS YOU SO MUCH.

11. Ocean (feat. Khalid) by Martin Garrix

Feeling cautiously optimistic about his future, he finds himself in awe of his adventuring crew. That’s a new emotion and outlook for him, and he feels truly bound and responsible for these crazy people.

THIS IS A LOVE SONG TO THE M9.

THAT’S IT.

HE LOVES THIS CREW SO MUCH. HE’S REALLY TRYING TO DO HIS BEST BY THEM.

I will physically fight anyone who dares doubt of this good boy again. He’s been alone his whole life. He finally found a family and he will do anything for them. They are the best thing that has ever happened to him.

If we’re caught in a wave, I will carry you over It don’t matter where you are, I’ll run to your front door When my head goes in different directions You know my heart’s never on the move And in the dark times, you don’t have to question If I’m a hundred with you

You could put an ocean between our love, love, love It won’t keep us apart You could build a wall, I would run it up, up, up Just to get to your heart If we’re caught in a wave Baby, we’ll make a way You could put an ocean between our love, love, love It won’t keep us apart

LISTEN. I’M JUST

SO

EMOTIONAL

12.Warriors by Imagine Dragons

Half the shit Fjord has seen since joining up with The Mighty Nein would normally have sent him running. But ya best know, The Mighty Nein are no joke. These fighters are bound to him, and he to them —and no one is taking away this new world he has found.

LET HIM FEEL BRAVE.

LET HIM FEEL HOPEFUL.

LET HIM FEEL POWERFUL.

LET HIM FEEL LOVED.

LET HIM FIND STRENGTH IN HIS FRIENDS.

In youth you’d lay Awake at night and scheme Of all the things that you would change But it was just a dream!

Here we are, don’t turn away now, We are the warriors that built this town Here we are, don’t turn away now We are the warriors that built this town From dust.

This is so on point and I love how much Fjord enjoys being a part of this group of powerful warriors and how protective of this he is. This is his life and he will do anything it takes to live it and keep it by any mean necessary.

“and no one is taking away this new world he has found” is such an interesting perspective about how Fjord thinks and why he’s sometimes willing to go to even dark lengths to get what he or his friends want. This is a possessive and protective statement coming from a man who already had everything he held dear ripped away from him once, who had lost and suffered too much… He won’t let that happen again.

[raguna-blade]

Revolutionary Girl Utena 25-29

Hey we’re 10 eps away from the endgame and me actually properly compiling this into something comprehensible because ohgodi’mtryingnottothinkaboutcreepyfuckakio. Sick flips on him though shit i’ll give him that.

Episode 25

So in light of the next episode preview, the opening is 100% more ominous.

Uh...Uh..Cars? Driving?Is...That Akio in the car?

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT. Akio?Uh...Uh...Am I reading too deep? That whole driving sequence felt...uh.

Goddamnit akio.

Holy shit the room is nice though. Like damn.

Wakaba...Ok, I get it.

Akio just god.

….Roses cutting between utena and anthy and family. Uh...hm.

Oh...Uh...Akio looked furious.

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? Who are these people in the bck?

Rose duel place got...a gondola? Changed up?

The baseball metaphor suggests Saonji about to get blown the fuck out?

OH GOD NO FUCK PLEASE.

MORNING STAR? DERIVATIVE NAME? THIS FUCKER IS THE DEVIL

Anthy Framing is...uh...metaphro. Terrifying.

Is...Is anthy Jealous?

The Evil Laugh cinches any chance of this being ok.

….the Yin Yang thing? Again...

you seem familiar to me too? Uh...Anthy?

...Is that Dios?

THE TRUTH IS WHAT? WHATS THE TRUTH ANTHY?

Saionji played himself.

….Is...The car thing...What the hell? Why did his shirt fly open. And the Car...?

….What's with the horn...?

Akio, why do you look like a knock off dios...?

Is this a Touga Saionji centric ep...? Is this a bro moment?  I mean fuck touga, he ain't trustworthy, saionji had it right.

Akio saved the Girl who is implied to be utena. But...He's been in the castle for years.

Akio where the FUCK is your shirt.

Ok, that was actually cool as hell, I just wish he wasn't you know...Him.

...Saionji feelin himself again after the ride with Akio. Which...God, i'm hoping it's just me reading too much into shit and not that what I think happened happened.

Saionji, what the actual shit. Why is it every time you drop further down?

Shadow girls old schoolll?

Half the suffering twice the pleasure...?

Oh shit is this a new Apocalypse? Yeah man. YEAH MAN SHIT LOOKS DOPE ABSOLUTE

WHAT THE FUCK UTENA YOU NOT GONNA REACT TO ANTHY JUST...ANY OF THAT?

What's with the tree?...Is the lipstick new?

But the flower bush through anthy's clothes...?

That car...?

….He's not wrong at the moment about the lack of will.

What the fuck is going on with these cars...?

Oh...Oh boy saionji that face. I just realized he shows up almost without fail when shits about to go wrong.

...The Sword...? What the fuck? Did Anthy...?

Is this a remix?

….Uh...Huh. That's...Utena's Sword? That 's utena's sword. I guess...Drawn from her by Anthy. For the first time really clearly showing volition.

….Oh god damnit. Akio. Fucking.

The Sword of Dios did not appear..?Huh.

Anthy hesitated and...Akio hm. Yeah, I mean no surprise but.

And Akios made of stars now.

OH SHIT NEW CLOSING?

On the elevator...And stars? Something BIG changed I think. That's what it feels like but fucking what? ABSOLUTELY NO DIOS here, no akio like, none of it. Just anthy and utena.

Huh. So is everyone fighting Utean again?

Episode 26

Oh hey, I guess the uncomfortable car ride is the new thing.

And now Akio want's Anthy engaged to someone else huh. WONDER WHY.

And Touga. Touga you being played. You don't even realize. Or do you?

...Kozue how did you...?

Birds?

Also, jessu you two please.

Chuchu what the hell are you doing.

Kozue. Uh...?

That person. What's the beef with their parents.

Also, why does Anthy know so much about birds?

The voice thing was....?

Akio, what do you think of her. Yee. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

ANTHY DO SOMETHING YOU'RE LIKE THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD!?

Also, is the sleeping thing a new repeat scene?

Harsh as hell indeed. Typical Anthy.

Defeat Utean for the good of the duelists.

Adults saying it's for their own good, not trustworthy huh.

Also that chair.

What the fuck is anthy doing at Miki's dads place...?

Is...Is that ACTUALLY anthy?I don't think so...Anthy as a symbol?????

What? WHAT THAT...can't be right.

GOD DAMNIT AKIO. Wait, isn't this the same shit Touga pulled?

Touga....Goddamnit. Wait. This is person 2 saying I reject being a duelist, and Touga shows up like some weird fucking devil.

THERE! CAN'T YOU HEAR IT!?

New Hellavator confirmed.

Kozue and Miki? MIKI HE'S DATING A SCHOOL GIRL ITS NOT OK

...Yeah the...disheveledness. This uh...Hm.

Become impure as well. Lose your purity. uh. Uhhhhhh....

The fucking rose? AGAIN?

Seduced Touga. Yeah, ok, the implication is uh...yeah.

Utena standing on the landmine. Utena's oh no is yeah.

Ufo Crash? Again? Gambling Shadow Girls...? This is clearly about Miki getting suckered.

So Absolute destiny time and...Yeah, some weird shit is going down here. And it seems like Utena is ABSOLUTELY fucking shit up for someone.

Oh wait, anthy's outfit full of pink roses. Filled up with thoughts of Utena? Huh.

BLUE ROSEBRIDEOUTFIT?...wait what? But it's Kozue. And no longer trying to draw anthy's sword huh.

Kozue...What the fuck?

And Miki, I thought you were over this shit.

Why are they...both in the car. oh..Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. And Anthy is just kinda dead.

Um. Uh...Kozue....? what the Actual fuck are you doing? I mean I know what it looks like so. But Uh...And Anthy, you wain't doing nothing?

Straight up called Miki a coward...Which..ok. I think I get why...? I don't get why.

Do you have any problems you can't tell people about...?

Episode 27

...Wait is this Nanami's Duel time? Oh boy...

What's with eggs though...?

Did...did she lay an egg....? Is...Is this a menstration thing....?

I can't tell if this is literal or a symbol because this series is just like that.

Full on ATE that ball to the face. God.

I'm not even sure if this is filler episode nonsense because it's just...

I mean we got the boy, so probably “filler” but...

...So it was actually laid. And it looks like a easter egg.

...Rose again.

THIS 100% reads like some kind of discovering new things about your body thing. Like I ain't familiar with young girls fiction so...

oh hey it's juri.

Making fun of me for being so late its...

this bowling ball thing is...what.

This

What the fuck I can't even.

Juri looking FRESH on the blowing alley.

So...What's even going on here. What's the...

These fucking Songs for nanami though.

I'm half waiting for the episode to reveal yeah laying eggs it's the thing that happens you know how it is.

JESUS. The Boy Hey if there's a problem I want you to talk to me. Which is Utena and anthy ALL over again. So...Nanami's reaction is...Anthy's...?

….Anthy. Anthy do you know what happened? With whatever weird bullshit I 100% believe you had something to do with it.

…............I prefer girls. I too prefer Girls

Touga: ITS ONLY BOYS AND GIRLS WHO GET TOGETHER THAT WAY. NO MATTER HOW GOOD IT FEELS.

Also, going against gods plan huh...?

is...what...is the what is the egg metaphor even DOING here. Like, pitty the family who's daugther lays eggs and...what.

Shadow Girls....wha...what the fu

treating this like an actual child which...ok...uh...what is...

Is the egg laying thing a saying that didn't translate?

Another song...?

Saionji what the fuck are you...doing.

Eggs are something you normally eat.

Jessu nanami got the blows.

Saionji, Hey you want some eggs I got eggs. Midnight Egg Frying. Respect for that.

...now utena and Anthy...wha...what?

Do you believe in reincarnation...? Elephants dying by themselves.

Yes utena, why are we talking about this.

...Wait, if Nanami is Anthy....did...wait...I...do not

what the christ is happening with this egg.

Oh hey, the chick broke the shell.

Was that a dream ANOTHER EGG?

Also, why are we getting a filler episode. We usually only get those after some hardcore nonsense.

….Why does anthy look so fucking sad.

Episode 28

Oh hey, it's a rose. ...Also, prefers girls, next episode is about Juri. uh...hm.

Who's this douchebag.

Why is this music so fucking ominous. Did Akio bring in a ringer.

...Did they draw? He won.

Ex Captain. Is this the dude Shiori was into.

Luka Suchi(spelling?). The Actual Captain. Ruka. Ruka.

He a duelist. And Juri doesn't sound happy about it.

Who is this douchebag. Touga 2.0 Better. Smoother(?) Bluer?

Is...Is he the only male fencer there...? Wait, are the fencers mostly women?

Tsuchiya. So it was the captain then who Shiori was into and did that whole thing. No wonder she doesn't like him.

Uh hold up, I mean you do you. Oh the two seem happy. Well...that's..fine...?

Oh here's Juri, lookin fucking pissed.

Keep your hands off Shiori.

Ruka is...suspect as fuck I mean that's a given but.

Hey it's the bed again.

OH YOU GET BAD VIBES FROM RUKA AND NOT AKIO? HOW. HOW HES 100000% LESS SUSPECT AND YET?

I mean it sucks for Juri, but Oh nope there he's doing it to piss off juri for some reason. What a douche. Damn.

Deffo Touga 2.0 Less overtly sexual though so...Improvement...?

What the...What the hell did Ruka do that she doesn't trust him so much?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE TOUGA?

….Is...the Car? Juri? It's gotta be right?

Finally someone looking at him with sufficient what the fuck

…..You're an adult now...uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Where did your...shirt go..

AKIO AKIO WHAT.

THROB OF THE ENGINE

Car is 10000000% something about sex, but like...

Shiori feels...odd. Here.

Shadow girls. What...? god what? um...the...ok. That felt...weirdly uncomfortable.

The gap between these shadow girl duel car sections is getting smaller I swear.

Another Rose Bride huh.

That was oddly humble of a duelist admitting he might lose.

Homie is WEIRDLY humble and it is throwing me no lie.

So wait, the car is I guess sex or something so...wait, does that mean that Kozue and Anthy had sex at some point.?

And I suppose them crashing is the things didn't work out kinda thing. Kozue looks fucked UP.

Ruka failed because of his rose bride? Huh. And then we cut to Juri...? hooooooooooboy. Nope don't like the implications at all there.

Episode 29

Believe in Miracles huh...Yeah it's...Juri time.

Oh she wasn't polishing Ruka's sword huh...

Oh damn this looks bad. Shiori you got attatched FAST. What the fuck...happened.

And she's just devastated so that's uh...not...greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Juri is PISSED.

Juri, I am NOT INVOVLED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP DRAMA. NOPE NOT I.

Anthy. ANTHY PLEASE JUST SAY SOMETHING GOD. PLEASE.

Shiori. Kinda...Kinda stalkery there.

Uuuuuuuugh. Another schemer. But Blue. With I guess Akio inbetween.

Shiori does not look...well. Her reaction to Juri seems...Uh..Hm.

Juri. Fuck him upppppppppp.

….Wow this got a bit uh...REALLY RAPEY NEVER MIND. FUCK THIS GUYYYYYYYYY.

Is...that why she...hm. Ruka is A DOUCHE. Full on. Goddamn.

...You challenged him to a duel? Juri. JURI NOOOOOOOO.

Goddamnit. Can't you hear it. Fucking hell akio again.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooodamnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

DO ANYTHING I ASKED YOU TO. DAMNIT

Is...ruka driving? No. that is not the case.

Ruka: I make you better.

Hoboy. Believe in miracles and they'll know your feelings. JURI said this?

Juri..Actually seems pretty in control here. Ok. Not happy about it but...Objectives.

Does nobody question these cars though?

DESTINY TIMMMMME.

God, can we get Ruka punched in the jaw? Just...Rocked right across the jaw a couple of times?

Juri is 1000000% not feeling this. Like...not at all

Juri losing when she's off her game don't count. She got played. That was that touga anthy bullshit all over again.

Actually...yeah it is isn't it. Hm

The Super Move Failed. And Juri is uh...not  handling it. At all. There goes that brooch and...hoo. This is painful to watch.

Took the rose off. Fuck this shit.

Its...raining. That's...weird. Just on the dueling arena.

Hit him. HIT HIM.

I swear i'll make it right? Fucking how? HIT HIM.

Juri don't believe it.

And Ruka...fucked off? Huh?

Did...did Ruka die. So he...did that for...Juri? And...

what?

And her unreaction to the shadow girls....hm

wish as hard as you can and they will know your feelings huh.

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Truth Be Told

Story Post

“We’re home!” “Yo. WB, brother,” Lino said as Dusty and Grey came in. It had been Dusty’s first day training under Fay and he’d been so excited but so nervous. He couldn’t stand being apart from Grey so he brought him along. Yori let him join his class at APID E so the youngster was nearby while his father worked. “WB? What’s that?” Dusty asked. “Welcome back,” Lino said. He was in the kitchen starting dinner. “Isn’t just saying that faster?” Lino shrugged. “How was your first day?”

“Very exciting,” Dusty said, putting Grey down. “I got a tour of the place and then I got to sit in on one of Fay’s meetings with a client, and I saw the new school, and Grey had a lot of fun with the other kids.” “That’s dope. Do you think you’re set?” “Well, I still have to learn the classifications of each department and remember the elevator combinations and—” “I mean, like, do you think this is the thing for you? Do you like the job?” Lino asked. “I think I’d like any job at this point,” Dusty said. “But I think I’ll fit. There were so many different kinds of faces. Lots of handsome men too…” Lino smirked. “Oh? Do tell. You got a crush on anyone?” Dusty shook his head. “If you mean do I have any romantic interests, I can’t.” “Ugh, because of Dante. I know,” Lino scoffed. “So lame… But like, you can still bone dudes. Love and romance doesn’t need to be involved.” “I don’t want to make a bad impression by sleeping around in my first week…” “Okay, but like now you can start making a list for next week.” Dusty chuckled and went to get a juice box for Grey. “Where’s Vi and Kidd?” “Vi’s off making a deal. Yori took the kids all out after school for ice cream since Ruben’ll be home late.” “Where’s Dante then?” “He’s home doing god knows what.” “He doesn’t want to be out with the kids?” “Everyone needs ‘me' time.” “You're right, I suppose...” Dusty walked over beside Lino and peered down at his cooking. “What are you making?” “Well, I wanted to channel my inner housewife and come up with something fun but kinda fancy,” Lino said. “I went with a theme of...assorted bruschetta. So there's the sweet cherry bruschetta, and two savories; prawn bruschetta with lemony fennel salad and steak and stilton bruschetta.” “Ooh, those sound delicious,” Dusty said. “But also it sounds like a lot.” “Nah.” Lino shook his head. “It's really not.” “Well... Can I help?” Dusty requested. “Uh... Sure, actually, you could easily do the cherry bruschetta yourself. It's as easy as making toast,” Lino said pulling up the recipe on his laptop. “It's literally just cooking the bread and spreading shit on it.” “Okay...” Dusty checked the recipe then started following along. It really wasn't that involved and he got along fine. Lino worked around him, pulling stuff out, starting to boil some water in a pan. Dusty started grilling the ciabatta bread while Lino tendered his fennel. While he waited for the bread to grill, Dusty tried a couple cherries. “Oh, these are really sweet,” Dusty purred. “Grey loves cherries. One of the many pink foods Syd would allow in his house, though they lean on the red side... Grey, do you want to try these?” When his question wasn't answered, he looked around. “Grey? Sweetheart?” When he didn’t see Grey in the kitchen, he panicked a little and called louder. “Grey? Lino, do you know where he went?” “Nope, but I'm sure he's around,” Lino assured. “No, he doesn't wander off. That's not like him at all,” Dusty said, stopping what he was doing to look for his son. “He's so clingy. He'd only wonder off towards someone else... Grey?” “Dude, chill,” Lino said, placing a hand on Dusty's shoulder. “He's here somewhere. It's not like he can just teleport...” Dusty glared at him. Lino's eyes widened. “Oh. Wait, dude, can he teleport?” “Well, I mean I haven’t seen him do it yet... You have to practice, but sometimes little demons are just talented so he might—” “Oh, naw. The doors open to next door,” Lino interrupted, pointing to the door conjoining his house and his brother's. “Oh my god...” “Dusty. Relax, he’s in the house.” “It's not that... I didn't change his colours,” Dusty said. “He looks like Dante.” “Oh... Well fuck.” Dusty took a deep breath and went over to the other side. There was only one light on in the house so it must've been where Dante was and where Grey had gone. It was the living room and Dante was there on the couch with Grey playing a video game. It looked very kid friendly, with animals being herded into little corrals, and Dante was showing Grey how the buttons work and how to feed the animals. Grey was listening attentively and  really seemed to be enjoying himself. Dusty smiled a bit, seeing the two interact so casually. He walked up and placed a tentative hand on Dante's shoulder. Dante was startled a bit but he looked up and smiled at Dusty. “Hey, Dusty. You've got a real smart kid here.” “Daddy!” Grey said excitedly, waving to Dusty. “Yeah, he's very bright.” Dusty placed a hand on his son's head. “Grey, I know you heard me calling you.” Grey shrugged and just went back to his game. “I gotta admit, I was playing something a bit less PG when he came up, but I pulled up one of the games the triplets like to play,” Dante said. “That's alright... As long as he was being good,” Dusty said. “He's quite talented too,” Dante remarked. “Can he, like, copy the eye colour of others? Cause right now, his eyes are so blue like mine.” He chuckled. “He almost looks like me.” Dusty paused. It would be so easy to just say yes, but he just couldn't lie again. He felt like he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. “...No.” “What?” Dante blinked. “But his eyes were pink last time we met.” “Dante... We need to talk.” “Huh?” Dusty picked Grey up and he whined as he had to let go off the controller. “I'll be right back.” He took his son back over to the other side of the house and left him with Lino before heading back. Dante had turned off his game system in that time and just sat there looking so lost. “You can't... You can't tell me...” Dante said stuttering. Dusty took a deep breath. “He's your son.” “That's not possible,” Dante countered. “We've never even once had sex.” “We didn’t have to,” Dusty answered, sitting down beside Dante. “A kiss was enough...” “But...His eyes were pink,” Dante argued. Dusty sighed and pointed to Dante's hand where suddenly his nails erupted with colours. “You don't remember how I'd do your nails for you?” Dante look at his fingernails which were now bright pink with white stripes. “...Grey's my son? How?” “Remember back when you came to talk to me?” Dusty said. “You used me to help your brother when Kidd was born. And I told you never to call me again... And then you kissed me?” “Yeah, I mean... Just that's enough?” “I was feeling a lot of emotions then...” Dusty said. “And that kiss made me think of everything I'd ever wanted to have with you... And I wanted us to have a family. And I knew it was ridiculous and that it couldn't happen, but my body... Well, all it needed was a little bit from you.” “So you can just...decide to get pregnant?” Dante asked. “With, like, just a little bit of spit?” “I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t even know I was pregnant for like, three months,” Dusty admitted. “Syd figured it out and they were less than amused... But I wanted Grey so badly. He was all I could ask for.” Dante rubbed his temples, totally baffled and horrified. “You had a kid. You had my kid. And you didn’t even tell me? For four years?” “I...I wanted to... But you have your family and I didn’t want to get in the way of that...” Dante started chuckling and it grew into full laughter and then he fell into tears. “Oh, god... Oh my fucking god... I'm dead... Ruben's going to fucking kill me...” “You don't have to tell him!” Dusty said. “Dante, I got a job. I'll likely move out soon. You don't ever have to see us again.” “God damn it, Darathan!” Dante said, slamming his hand down on the arm of the couch. “You can't just come here, live with my brother, lie to me, and then just expect you can just disappear all over again! And you want me to lie to my family? You're telling me I have another son. Marco—the triplets have a little brother. You don't think they should know about things like that?” “I...I don't know. I'd want them to be able to be siblings...” Dusty said looking down. “But it just... We can't... I shouldn't have even come here...” “Why did you? Why do you keep coming back? You were gone for so long...” Dante said. “I can't leave,” Dusty said. “I'm your demon... I have to stay near your home. I am fucking chained to you. What part of that don't you understand? I have to be near you. I am your demon. I never went anywhere. I've always been here. I just try to avoid you! But it's impossible! I am in literal physical pain when you leave! I have no control over any of this!” Dante groaned. “Seriously? How am I supposed to know that? You don't tell me anything, Dusty! You're keeping everything from me!” “What do you want me to do, huh?” Dusty demanded, his eyes welling up with tears. “I'm just trying to figure this all out. Do you want me to apologise? Do you want me to leave? Because you know what I want but I can't have it so whatever you want is all we can work towards at this point, because I'm fucking clueless and alone and an idiot and such a terrible parent just for bringing that poor boy into this world like this...” He sobbed and covered his eyes. “I don't know what I'm doing... I'm so lost...” Dante inhaled and reached out to Dusty, placing a hand on his shoulder. “...Stop. You're not a bad parent...” “I am... I don't know what the hell I'm doing...” “No one does. Parents don't know what they're doing...” Dante pulled Dusty into a hug. “We're going to figure this out...” “What can we do?” Dusty sobbed into Dante's shoulder. “I don't know...” Dante said. He rubbed Dusty's back. “Does he know I'm his Dad?” Dusty shook his head. “No...” “Can I see him again?” Dante asked. Dusty nodded and pulled away from Dante. He sniffled up his tears and wiped his eyes. “He can't see me cry...” “Do you need a tissue?” “No it's fine...” Dusty shook it off then went back over to Lino's side. Lino had Grey sitting on the counter eating cherries while he cooked. Grey lit up when Dusty came over and grabbed him. “So you told him?” Lino asked. “Yeah...” Dusty rubbed Grey's back. “How'd he take it?” “Bad...” “Mm... Yeah, figures...” Lino sighed. “Don't get bent out of shape about it.” Dusty shook his head. “...We're going to figure this out.” He carried Grey back over and sat down with him on the couch. Dante placed a hand on the little guy's head and stroked his hair. He stopped at one point and felt around. “Horns?” Dante asked. Dusty nodded. “He's sprouting.” “Wow, Grey. You're becoming a big boy...” Dante said, smiling at his son. “You're so handsome too.” Grey smiled. “Can I play?” “Wow, priorities.” Dante looked at Dusty. “Do you mind if I watch him for tonight?” Dusty shook his head. “Please.” He leaned down and kissed Grey's cheek. “I'll be helping Lino with dinner, alright?” “Alright.” Dusty smiled and walked back to the kitchen. He sat down at the table for a while just to gather himself and think. He hadn’t a clue what the result of this would be or how to feel. He was a little relieved to have it off his chest, but he was still terrified about what it would mean for his and Grey's future. “So is he going to tell Ruben?” Lino asked from the stove. “I don’t know. I think so…” “Probably not. He likes to bottle up his emotions until a very inopportune moment,” Lino stated. Dusty thought about it and put his fingertips together. “…Should I tell Ruben?” “Absolutely not.” Lino turned away from the stove to look at Dusty. “He hates you more than he hates me. Everything you say to him should be in an effort to make him like you. Telling him you had his boyfriend’s baby is not going to make him like you.” “Then what am I supposed to do then?” Dusty asked. “Bake him cakes? Cheer for his favourite sports team?” “No. The ball's in Dante's court. He needs to make this work,” Lino said. “Right...” Dusty got up and went back to the stove. “Do you still want me to help with dinner?” “Yeah. You can finish the cherry bruschetta,” Lino said. “I got your toast ready.” “Thank you.” Dusty got the ricotta and started spreading it on the ciabatta bread. “Is this for everyone tonight or just your side?” “Whole house. Dante's not cooking and Ruben'll likely be late so I might as well make enough for everyone. And the best part is that these can be picked up any time so as long as we save some, their ready for everyone when they get here.” “That's very thoughtful,” Dusty said. “Naw, I just searched easy fancy food for the family,” Lino said. “It’s pretty simple.” “Hah, I see...” Dusty finished up spreading the ricotta and started garnishing. “Lino...” “Mmhm?” “Do you ever feel like...like you're a bad parent?” Lino chuckled. “Oh, all the time.” “Really? ‘Cause I'm not trying to accuse you of anything...” “You just want to know if others feel that way. And they do. I think that any decent parent has wondered if they're a bad parent. But I know that good parents are the ones doing their best, and I know I am and so are you.” “You think so?” Dusty asked. “I know so. You love that kid so much. Yes, you have issues with your parenting, like you're super clingy, but you want what's best for him, and you want him to be happy and that's what matters.” “I understand that... But, the circumstances I brought him into...” Dusty said. “This isn't what I would've wanted for him.” “True... But we make the best out of our circumstances,” Lino said. “That's just life. Don't let it bum you out. Grey's going to be fine and so are you.” Dusty smiled. “Thanks. It's stupid but I think I really needed to hear that.” “It's not stupid.”

[jq37]

okay so I meant to send this on anon and I think I might have accidentally done so off but then I tried to cancel it and idk if it worked?? anyways! the point is, I’m the anon who doesn’t have dropout rn so! what’s the tea on the new ep? what did I miss? :)

**spoilers for arcade ambush**

Now, I know I use the word wild a lot, but don’t let that take away from the fact that this episode was truly wild.

Biz had such an interesting power set. He has the wings so he can fly, he has all the weird mesmerization type powers (I was picturing that old bager, badger, badger, mushroom video when he was multiplying himself to trip up Fig). Fighting him is like being stuck in Toon Town but in the worst possible way. Then there were the game cabinets sucking people into them and the ghosts possessing people and forcing them to flee. It was really a brutal fight.

(Sidenote, are we to believe that the ghosts that he raised were nerds who died in arcade? Morbid, if true. Also it would have to be a different arcade since that one was new.)

Anyway, this def was an ep full of frustration. They were constantly getting frightened and forced to run or trapped in games or whatever. It’s a good think Ally casted Guardian of Faith before the fight because they were, once again, a life saver. I was a little surprised the arcade game fights were one and done Box of Doom rolls but I guess there was a lot going on.

“Well I’ll just shoot him.” Riz getting a nat 1 trying to shoot Biz point blank was so painful. 

Riz: Hey guys, Biz is a bad guy./Adaine: Yeah, no duh! 

Everyone making the most mediocre rolls to check out the prizes in the prize cabinet. And Brennan just getting more and more like, “Come on y’all.” I wanted someone to pick up the sneakers. I felt like they were gonna be some kind of stealth bonus item.

Gorgug got a nat 20 charisma! My boy!

Oh, side note, they updated Adaine’s mini with her boss new jacket which is super dope.

Fig and Kristen actively antagonizing the corn god who’s saving their ass.

“Fucking nerd.” Adaine, who has been pretty savage the past few episodes.

Fabian who has never been denied anything in his life looking at the million credit sword: I’d like it.

Trevon

Everyone being furious at Riz being stuck in the game but also impressed by the design of the set.

Gorgug calling his parents mid-fight! Which seems wild but actually is the SMARTEST THING ANY OF THESE LITERAL CHILDREN HAVE EVER DONE.

I feel like Brennan def read up on his philosophy quotes after the last fight because he was back in business this ep.

Cleric is an underrated class y’all. Ally is really rocking it.

What a bad time for Adaine to finally fail a panic attack roll. She’s had a really long run without them though.

I love that Lou always curses as Fabian by saying, “Christ,” completely ignoring that doesn’t make sense in this world, but like. That is what Fabian would say, you know?

Fabian getting stuck in DDR instead of Punch Out is personally offensive to him.

“Hell yeah I take a disengage”

Sidenote: Divination is a really cool ability.

Ugh, Riz. What a terrible time to fail an investigate check. HE GOT PALIMSESTED.

Aww at Lou giving Murph the, “Hang in there, buddy,” shoulder rub after that happened. 

Gorgug getting trapped in whack a gnome is MESSED UP. Also, the fact that whack a gnome is a game that exists in a world where gnomes also exist is SUPER MESSED UP.

Adaine: Fuck, I’m fucked! 

PROTECT YOUR WIZARD BETTER.

Fabian having to have a dance off in the middle of the fight.

The girls getting downloaded periodically throughout the fight was so freaking ominous. 

“I’m under the influence of two ghosts.”

Fabian and Adaine both terrified and running into each other and yelling like freaking Scooby Doo.

OK, while Fig was possessed, Brennan made her read a card that said “Wow. A lot of strong feelings to process here.” And I am told (but can’t confirm) that that’s a line that was said in ep 1? Maybe by the guidance counselor? And then it’s not resolved in this episode. So that seems important.

Emily upon hearing that Riz is stuck in the crystal: Piss in it.

“Do you have any clue about how to get out of here, I mean, clearly you don’t.”

What would Fabian do without that bike, man?

I love that Emily uses Kristen’s full name for no apparent reason half the time.

Kristen channeling the power of friendship to turn undead.

Gorgug is a bottomless pit of HP.

Ally: Is it good to get in the game?/Literally everyone else: NO.

“A tasty walk?”

The philosophers going, “Verily,” to Fig’s base playing and then her moonwalking away.

Siobhan immediately irl cringing at being called a lovely lady by Biz.

HELLISH REBUKE. HELL YEAH FIG. HELL YEAH EMILY.

Penny’s scene with Riz in the palimpsest was like legitimately touching. 

But again, Murph gets the nat 20 at the most story appropriate time! Just like last week.

OK, so the girls’ downloads are getting sent to the AV room in Aguefort. Not necessarily suspicious considering that Biz is involved, but interesting to note.

Gorgug pulling an Odysseus and cranking his tunes to ignore the games. 

Also his, “Sup nerd?” to Biz.

Kristen absolutely crushed this fight y’all. She basically got out without a scratch. 

Siobhan saying sick like Brennan is hilarious to me.

Gorgug being so mad at Biz’s pronunciation of meme.

“Hot topic nerds hate AV club nerds.”

Nothing bothers Emily more than not being able to take an action.

The gang actively mocking and taping Biz as he tries to mesmerize them.

Aww man Murph failing that roll before Penny was downloaded. Heartbreaking. 

Everyone visibly recoiling every time Biz talked.

Zac reminding Brennan about advantage and then him picking up every dice he owns. “LIE NEXT TIME DUDE!” He has a cool ass shock of white hair now though. Like, not good but kinda rad.

I feel like Ally has gotten really comfortable with the game mechanics as we’ve gone on. 

Kristen hugging Gorgug to protect him is such an adorable image. 

“I’m still full health because God exists!”

Shoutout to the SFX guys. They were especially on point this ep.

“Can I just use mage hand to plug the machine out?”

Kristen as Fig getting is her ass kicked by the doppelganger Figs: KISS ONE OF THEM.

The guardian that killed Biz throwing down his cig like a true French philosopher. 

FABIAN. 

Kristen was the MVP of the fight but Fabian was the MVP of the episode y’all. Like I said, all that promo yelling was either gonna be a TPK or the raddest thing ever and it was option 2! 

Shoutout to Siobahn for getting Lou that advantage roll because that saved his ass.

Lou just pretending to get up and leave because game over y’all.

Brennan starting to just narrate assuming failure. 

Zac being like, “Well at least try.”

Lou doing them 1 by 1 for the drama of it all, just like Fabian would want it.

Getting a ten first, exactly half of what he needed.

Then the absolute CHAOS that erupted from the table at the 20. By this point, I was pretty sure he was gonna get it because that shot from the trailer hadn’t happened yet and it was near the end of the episode but DAMN it was satisfying. Moments like this are what MAKE RPGs.

Being showered with gold coins sounds extremely painful but that’s beside the point here. 

Fabian coming back and lying that he was fighting ghosts outside and everyone totally buying and being like thanks for having our backs man.

I love how much Fig loves her two dad situation now. 

Emily and Ally evil mischievous smiling at each other when Emily requests to kill Biz.

Everyone Else: NO.

Brennan: He’s dead, bruh.

Ally like Grinch smiles when Brennan announces that Biz is dead.

“Would she be able to casually get him out of a palimpsest?”

“I still have these handcuffs.”/”Where’d you get those?”/”Uh, nevermind.”

Every time this group has to interrogate someone they escalate all the way immediately.

 But MAN Riz was doing some serious drug cartel interrogation on Biz, shooting off fingers and stuff!

Adaine REFUSING to feel bad about bullying Biz (she’s right and she should say it).

“If I were to have a morsel such as yourself stuck in a palimpsest–” IMMEDIATELY slapped by every party member. Bro, you GOTTA stop perving on Adaine IN FRONT OF HER.

Brennan full on RPing unconsious Biz.

“I’m not a bad guy.”/”YES YOU ARE!”

“Fucking Aelwen again!” Same, girl.

OK, so Biz has false memories of coming up with this idea, but what does that mean exactly? Was he manipulated Inception style or actually forced? Because I come up with bad ideas every day. Doesn’t mean I act on them.

“Blow your fuking nose!”

“You see his dick glows for a second.”

Nice of Adaine to ask for permission to do her brain jitsu, even though she didn’t have to and she had all the extenuating circumstances in the world to just break in.

Biz speaking to Penelope on the regular. Hmm.

Siobhan/Adane’s look when Biz says, “I’m cool too.”

So his memory was cut out the day before the Hudol party. Interesting. 

Adaine getting a clear threat on her family’s life: THEY CAN BURN MY FUCKING HOUSE DOWN I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

AND THEN IT ENDS THERE

So two things:

1) Siobhan keeps getting KILLER end lines.

2) I threw a lot of plot info at the bottom without analyzing it because I’m going to look at that and the promo in another post (prob tomorrow) so stay tuned!