#because it hurts immensely to see his suffering. like it's brutal for him

[cherubchoirs]

What if Gabriel was still able to calm Micheal even after his fall?

Like what starts as what they both assume as a fight to the death ends up being just them talking over there issues while battling and then eventually them both exhausted just finding a common ground.

Also what if Raphael invited Gabriel over for what Gabe thinks is just gonna be Raphael yelling at him but it ended up just being them haveing a nice dinner(?) Or what ever angels have equivalent and they just have a nice night like old times.

the agony of michael, as he is now, isn’t something easy to describe, but it is something gabriel understands implicitly because of how he once knew him. his fury is terrible, he has given himself entirely to being an angel of divine punishment who has seemingly lost all sense of the love he once held, but gabriel knows, very early into their fight, this isn’t the case whatsoever. it would be better if it was. it would be better if michael was unthinking and driven by instinct now alone. but when gabriel hears his words, when he bears the insults and hatred michael spews at him, when he feels the unforgiving crack of his chains eager to bind him to the floors of hell, he only sees what he has seen a thousand times from michael – words that cope, actions that soothe when his cruel reality can no longer be reconciled with his faith. worse than they’ve ever been, burning out himself and everything he touches, but how could they not be? what else could suffice with what he’s become?

gabriel sees it all, tears threatening to freeze his eyes closed even as he fights for his life against an angel that once may have been more powerful than him. michael is relentlessly tortured, he is screaming out in a litany of unfathomable grief that not a single soul can answer – he is alone in his vile state, calling out in anguish for help that can never come. he must prove he is michael, once the prince of heaven and not just a wretched, rotting corpse that has defiled his memory, has shamed the beautiful, venerated images of when he was whole and divine. he wants none of this, he wants his body back and he wants gabriel with him in heaven, but that’s not his reality. he sees only the fetid meat just the same as a husk of hell, worm-eaten and threadbare. those choices play out over and over as if he is a ghost, how he left them all, how he severed his own light, regrets, mistakes, stupidity, devouring him as surely as the rot consumes his body. and gabriel understands his wrath for what it really is – grief. unspeakable, incomprehensible grief. repentance for his noxious form. bitterness toward all who survived. perfect hatred of the self. he did this. he did this. he did this. his words form like an elegy, the natural, melodic quality of his voice a dirge. he did this.

gabriel knows the affliction he’s reaching out to is unknowable to him, certainly to raphael and uriel in their still pristine state, yet he reaches nonetheless. because he recognizes michael in all his decay, he sees the prince of archangels in his blighted body – not a single other in the whole host of heaven would ever deign to be brought so low for their love, for their service. michael lives on in the body of a martyr, this body that gave itself wholly to god and to all of heaven in an effort to save them. and it’s time to stop. it’s time for it to have peace. it’s had enough, this tortured body and the angel still inside of it, and gabriel needs michael to end this now. there is despair in his voice but there is anger too, that michael still refuses to let go of his cruelty and loathing, his vicious condemnation of the damned that had always driven him to ugly extremes. he must accept his mourning now, accept that he grieves for what he’s done to himself and that it’s not the fault of the sinners; that he still harbors a deep, smothering guilt for what he did to lucifer and that he never wanted to lose him. please, there is no god left for him to tear himself apart for, there is no faith that deserves to have taken so much of him, and he can’t allow his misery to consume any more than it already has. he is still michael, and his body deserves its chance to rest.

michael wouldn’t come down easily, but gabriel’s words cut through all the noise of his own, ringing clear in his ears even if they come in the harsh language of hell. they likely would go to exhaustion, until they have reached the point of collapse, but gabriel won’t allow michael to retreat, to regroup and to hide himself from his eyes. stay, and let them see each other, let gabriel look at him again...because he’s missed him, and he hopes michael felt the same of his absence. he doesn’t care, gabriel’s accustomed to the halls of hell now – whatever michael looks like is nearly immaterial to him aside from the suffering it causes his sibling, only interested in being in his presence again, touching him again (even if now he can’t feel it). and if a good ending is possible, it starts here, with gabriel in all he’s learned from his fall and refusing to see michael as anything other than old angel that’s been worn too thin.

AND as for the little bonus with raphael, i definitely think of something like that happening – raphael is certainly upset with gabriel and went through a period of abandonment after his fall, but ultimately he decides preserving their relationship far outweighs whatever god may have felt about it. it’s. an INSANE feeling for him, to prioritize what he must view as selfish motivations over the order of god’s will, but...he can’t lose gabriel. he refuses. he won’t lose anyone else, not when so much has fallen apart. and when he discovers so little has truly changed about gabriel, he doesn’t see the point in shunning him purely on principle. they are past all that, surviving in a world where they may be living past their time entirely. so gabriel is shocked when all raphael wants is a nice evening with him, to talk about so many things that they lost the time for all those years ago. and he’s okay with it? with gabriel’s state, with his place in hell and how he denies it? to which raphael can finally only shrug, telling him that nothing makes sense anymore really. following the old ways without thought feels meaningless and mindnumbing while making his own choices feels frightening and offensive. but. all he really has is his own heart now, and that heart is with his family wherever they go.

[one-flower-one-sword]

Xie Lian tied up upon his own altar, held down and stabbed over and over while Hua Cheng is forced to watch helplessly:

Xie Lian wanted to wail with the most devastating sound, but his throat couldn't gasp out a single word - it had probably already been sliced through. He wanted to thrash wildly from the pain. It was like suffering the sum agony of countless lifetimes, and he didn't know if he'd be able to feel any other pain again.

He couldn't see anything. The world was pitch-black save for the nearby ball of ghost fire, which burned furiously. The ghost fire was growing brighter and stronger, but it still couldn't escape the cage of White No-Face's hand.

Xie Lian's heartbreaking screams couldn't be heard, but he could hear another heart-wrenching wail that seemed to come from the flame. Although it wasn't him, it felt like he was the one making that sound - its pain was the same as his own.

[...] When the flame gradually subsided and coalesced once again, the tiny ball of ghost fire was no more - in its place, the figure of a young man was gradually taking shape.

The young man dropped to his knees in front of the scorched, black surface of the altar. Bent over deeply, he clutched his head in both hands. He bellowed in immense, devastating pain.

TGCF Volume 6, page 257-258 (emphasis mine)

Wuming being torn apart by the angry battlefield spirits while Xie Lian is forced to watch helplessly:

Wuming seemed to have heard his voice and looked up. Xie Lian couldn't see his real face; he only saw that mask with its drawn-on smile.

But Xie Lian had a strange feeling that beneath his mask, Wuming was really smiling.

The feeling was fleeting, however. The vast black torrent and the screaming tide gathered to form a tempest, and it swallowed Wuming whole in an instant.

And in that instant, Xie Lian heard a heart-wrenching, blood-curdling scream.

He thought he had heard that voice somewhere before... No, he knew he had heard that voice somewhere before!

Pain. It hurt like he was feeling that same agony. It hurt like a fate worse than death. It hurt so much that his mind and body were being torn apart. It hurt so much he thudded to his knees, hugging his head as he screamed along too.

TGCF Volume 6, page 336 (emphasis mine)

only on my reread did I realize how closely these two scenes mirror each other. both of them are experiencing the other's agony as their own, clutching their heads and screaming because what is happening to the other is unbearable. the mirroring is especially remarkable because for Hua Cheng, Xie Lian at this point is already his beloved and to him it's "the worst suffering in the world" to see him in pain while being unable to do anything about it - but Xie Lian doesn't even know who Wuming really is.

and yet. and yet he reacts like this, exactly as Hua Cheng did, even though the only thing he remembers is that he's heard Wuming's voice somewhere before. Wuming is literally being torn apart, and so Xie Lian also feels as if he is being torn apart, even if he doesn't know why.

plus the almost poetic yet brutal irony of Wuming taking Xie Lian's place so it won't be Xie Lian being torn apart by the spirits in the sword like he'd been torn apart by being stabbed over and over by that same sword before - only for Xie Lian to then feel that pain regardless because Wuming is feeling it.

[cerastes]

I was wondering, are there any characters in Arknights that on the surface are jokesters, but anre actually immensely deep and powerful? I know about characters like Jaye and Nothing, but they aren’t particularly funny and casual. What I’m looking for is someone like Sans, basically.

"Nothing isn't particularly funny" oh we're just fundamentally different people then because I smile like a babe listening to jingling keys every time he's in the scene.

In the exact same regard as Sans, 1:1? Not really. Similar enough in some regards or in essence that they warrant mention? Yeah, I'd say so.

Aak is a good case, I'd say. Aak is a very casual guy, perhaps excessively so, referring to Doctor as "my dude" and in general having a very whimsical whistle to his steps, not to mention his seemingly jovial soul. Then you dig a bit deeper and you realize, well, despite the way he behaves, he takes what he does extremely seriously and is one of the most ruthless characters in the cast as a whole, in addition to being a medical sciences prodigy the likes of which Terra has seldom seen, and being infamous in the criminal underworld as a vigilante and executioner that has no qualms disposing of a mother fucker, if said fornicator of moms is a criminal and adversely affects others. See, the thing with Aak is that he, for the longest time, hated being so good at the medical sciences, because as he saw with his own twisted father, a brutal underworld doctor and criminal, curing illnesses doesn't begin to truly rid the common man of their suffering: There are always oppressors, abusers, those who selfishly make lives difficult for others for their own gain. Aak believes that to be a truly good "doctor", he needs to eliminate the root cause of the people's suffering: Criminals that will hurt them. Since his cooperation with Rhodes Island, his views have shifted a bit for the better (understanding people better, finding a good friend that shares his latent curiosity and love for the medical sciences and research in Warfarin), but it's still evident that Aak remains an unstable vat of fluoroantimonic acid waiting to bubble over, if the right trigger is present. He's not particularly powerful, with all his evaluations being "Normal" and "Standard", but his ruthlessness, his knowledge of the underworld, and his deep knowledge of medical sciences do make him quite dangerous despite "my dude"ing you.

Ceobe is the other one that comes to mind. Ceobe basically replicates the experience of having a big dumb loving dog, not just with Doctor, but with others as well, such as her canonical friends Vulcan and Sesa (Sesa being someone that also qualifies imo), and is in general a fun goober that livens up every scene she's in on virtue of, well, being a big dumb loving dog with all that entails: She WILL break into the kitchen even though she knows it's forbidden for her to do this, she WILL steal food, she WILL whimper and apologize, she WILL grow immensely defensive over her loved ones over things like "a loud vacuum cleaner" and WILL act over any perceived threat with maximum power; the entirety of Integrated Strategies 1, Ceobe's Fungimist, comes about because Ceobe gets high on hallucinogenic mushrooms she found in the jungle, and goes apeshit because she imagines this whole scenario where Villains have kidnapped Doctor and only she and whatever friends she can recruit on the way can save them, resulting in her beating the absolute shit out of numerous warrior tribes Dynasty Warriors style. Let's talk about that last part! She beat the absolute shit out of numerous warrior tribes Dynasty Warriors style while high as fuck on shrooms. She can do that! Because Ceobe is actually fucking shredded. Despite being a Funny Dog, Ceobe is a legitimately Arts genius, having no formal training and yet being able to use Arts with no problem, almost instinctively, as well as simply being able to harness pretty much any weapon she touches and empower them further with her Arts. Part of this is definitely because she's VERY Infected, but not even that explains just the sheer magnitude and expertise with which Ceobe seems to use her Arts. And speaking of? She dragged herself, across much of Terra, while incredibly Infected and with no care at all.

Ceobe, by all rights, should be dead. Not even the Medic Operator that wrote her medical file has a lot of faith, and her Oripathy is explicitly very grave and only getting worse. And even in this state, she dragged herself and the small arsenal strapped to her back across the world.

Her Physiological Endurance rank of Outstanding is no joke. Keep in mind, this is a rank equivalent to the toughest and most resilient characters we know of, such as Specter and Hoshiguma.

This is all stuff you'll only ever realize about Ceobe if you pay attention, because she's almost exclusively used for comedic relief, but the funny dog is actually a natural archmage and weaponmaster that just won't fucking die, if we were to use more fantasy adjacent terms for her.

There's more (like Sesa) but those two are the ones that jumped to mind.

[deleteddewewted]

Simon "Ghost" Riley (Serious) Ramble Thought?

W: SA, Therapy, Isolation

One of the things I find so important to understanding Simon's personality is that he was raped as part of his torture. To me, this presents itself as one of the many reasons he's physically isolated. The mask isn't just to cover up what was done to him physically but also what he mentally wants to hide. Many victims of sexual assault make it a habit to end up either overly sexualizing themselves due to their abuse. They see themselves as sexual objects whose only value is their body so I can't help but think that he uses his masks and balaclava as a way to make himself more "proper" and "undesirable".

Like, even after he goes back to civilian life he still has mandatory therapy sessions where he emphasizes his horrific desires to hurt others and to brutalize others, specifically women since his primary rapist was a woman (tho he was raped by his other male captures). His attitude is that of anger, mainly cause he was mandated to go to therapy if he wanted to go back to active duty. His job brought him purpose and since he didn't have his job to help him numb himself he had to confront his traumas. He couldn't pretend that nothing had happened and he wasn't forced to move on from them. He had to accept that he was brutalized in many different ways and that if he wanted to get better he had to do self-reflection. If he wanted to get better he had to take medication but if he took the meds he wouldn't be able to go back to active duty. He saw himself doing better and overcoming his trauma.

Simon was actively trying his best to get better but the circumstance of his situation didn't allow for it. He lost his only support system which was his mother, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew in one night and he just needed to be someone else after that. Simon Riley had to die for the sake of everyone's safety but also for his own. Simon Riley was a victim and a person who suffered immensely for a job that wasn't fully grateful for his sacrifices. Ghost on the other hand was a feared soldier, a man who doesn't have any attachments to the civilian world and a duty to his job. Ghost can be alone, he didn't need anyone by his side but he still values his colleagues because of their similar devotion to serving.

Anyways, thats all i wanted to say. Simon is a deeply hurt and disturbed man. If you don't know what I'm talking about just search up "Call Of Duty: Ghost Comics" and you should be able to read them online.

[hautevaux]

@ceaselxss // Con't

Tseng sighs softly, reaching out to brush a piece of Vaux's hair back behind his ear. He doesn't like that he upsets him, and he doesn't like that he doesn't have the power to change it.

"Did you know that you are the most normal part of my life? I've never had much of the opportunity to be a normal person; I am a Turk. I've been a Turk for almost half my life... The entire time I've been an adult. I can't tell you what sort of life that is, but I can tell you that I enjoy the snatches of a normal life I get to have when I'm with you."

"You've seen what I look like. That is my normal. That is my day to day. And I am a liar, I have to be, for your safety, for my job. But I'm not lying to make you feel better - I know you're more perspective than that. I don't tell you when I'm hurt because my normal and real normal don't mix well and I... I like pretending."

He lowers his head for a moment, unable to repress the true emotion in his eyes and unwilling to share it.

"I'm going to die young, Vaux. I'm going to die in some awful, violent brutal way. I am going to keep getting hurt, I'm going to suffer. This is my life. It's more than a job. I can't walk away, I can't run. I am alive right now because of luck and the kindness of others. This is what you have to endure if you want to be with me."

"I'm sorry."

He's upset and its entirely obvious by the way the tailor's eyes shimmer with the threat of tears, in how he cannot quite raise his eyes upward to meet Tseng's, even after the perfectly gentle contact offered.

He felt so immensely torn, and the more Tseng spoke the more Vaux could feel his heart tearing itself apart and how he wanted to speak; but to what end? Would aught he wanted to utter matter in the end? Vaux had known what he was getting in to when they had first shown interest in one another - Tseng had always been open about the dangers of his job, though the details were always held back; he couldn't be angry about it, not now, not after long accepting the facts.

Perhaps he ought adjust his perspective. He may have been upset given the way he often found out his love had gotten hurt, but perhaps he ought to - instead - cling to the fact that he was Tseng's normality... his taste of ordinary. There was something perfectly special about the ordinary; one that ought be treasured, especially when such seldom existed.

The more Tseng speaks, the more he feels the burning tightness in the back of his throat threatening sobs; the way his chest felt compressed, the way every breath shuddered whether inhaled or exhaled. There was no denying that he absolutely detested what he was hearing and eventually he allowed for one, perhaps two, little sobs to emerge while a torrent of tears stained his makeup-less cheeks.

Hands finally move, however, and choose to cup either side of Tseng's face so that he could raise his gaze - - just enough to press their foreheads together in a moment of quiet, restrained upset once more swallowed down into the darkest pits of his stomach.

"You don't know that---" His whispered, hushed voice is naught if not utterly broken; "So much changes every day, you can't be certain of that..." And as much Vaux was aware that it was a very real and very frightening possibility that Tseng simply... wouldn't return one day, he also knew there was the possibility he would; and it would be for that would-be possibility that he would keep on fighting through the upsets... because he would risk everything for that warm embrace when they see one another for the first time in a while, the comfort he feels when settled aside him. He'd felt no other peace in the world... and knew he wouldn't again without him.

Eventually, he relents. He drops his head to his love's shoulder and finally allows for tears to emerge more freely, but he continues to restrain the sound of his sobs. In fact, if not for the dainty tremble to hands and shoulders, one may not have been aware of his crying at all.

Arms wrap around; hands holding on to the material of a suit constructed by his own hands and yet in that moment he finds he detests it and all it stands for. A fleeting moment - - unlike his grip, which shows no loosening. The way Vaux holds Tseng in that moment is truly telling of his fear of losing him - - of how much he loves and adores him, and his hope for a future mayhap less fragile.

As much as he hated seeing Tseng hurt, as he detested the secrecy and the lies, the possibility of death around every corner - - Vaux had known this ere they'd become a couple; it was something he had signed up for. All of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the worry that consumed him night after night if he'd not heard from Tseng... all of it he had agreed to; and all of it he would continue to agree to so long as he kept returning home to the tailor safely.

"I'm not going anywhere..." He finally uttered, syllables muffled by his face buried against his love's shoulder; "It doesn't matter what happens next, what disaster decides to come about, what viciousness demands you... I'll always be here for you. I'm not giving up on the only person who I've ever sincerely loved, not for anything..."

Perhaps he would just have to start putting a basket of medical supplies in his bathroom cabinet, beneath the sink, for when Tseng needed them--- at least then Vaux would feel as if he was helping, if only indirectly.

He could only hope, in silence, that if the worst ever did come to pass... he would have a chance to say goodbye.

[lultimagoccia]

In the dead of night, an ocular shift throws things off-balance. While change is often impermanent, there are instances where the results can be jarring to those who feel the brunt of its effects.

...How do you feel about full moons, Peppino?

(M/A: Peppino is now able to change into Werepep! Common werewolf rules apply, but the start and duration of the magic anon is at the writer's discretion. Have fun!)

truthfully, peppino hadn't noticed the phase of the moon. he'd been so preoccupied in work, as he often was at this hour of night, to really pay it much mind.

didn't help he had this weird bite to fuss over now, which had been irking him since it happened. he really wished when customers called in an order, they'd remember to warn him about the presence of a BIG SCARY DOG on the premises! the one that had knocked him off his bike the other night had nearly ruined the entire order, sinking its jaws into an arm before he'd managed to wrestle it off, sending the brute on its way.

ALSO didn't help that they insisted their dog was a little angel who would never attack someone, seeming convincingly confused about his description of the thing as being massive and aggressive. people really seemed to think he was some kinda fool, easily led astray by their talk of the dog " being a small breed and a senior dog " and his description " not sounding like any dog they'd heard of before " and " maybe he should consider seeing a doctor because he probably just got attacked by a wild animal ". ridiculous! he'd lived on this island for many years, and never saw anything like that monstrosity.

and on top of all THAT bullshit, the tip had been absolutely lousy! definitely a home he was putting in his delivery blacklist. 

... though. maybe he should think about seeing a doctor. he hadn't been feeling so well, the dull ache of the bite gradually increasing to a burning pain that seeped through the muscles of his forearm, spreading throughout his body as he worked. he was used to coping with pain, thanks to old wounds and the natural discomforts of an aging body. but this was beyond the soreness of old joints, and it was only getting worse as the night wore on. he felt too warm, such that a sheen of sweat now glistened at his brow and his breathing had gotten noticeably heavier. 

he hated seeing the doctor. loathed hospitals. peppino prayed this was the sort of thing you could sleep off, pausing in the middle of his closing routine to lean heavily against the counter and rub his eyes. 

and that was when he felt – and heard – the first snap. His entire body went rigid, breath wheezing from his lungs as he scrambled to determine what had caused such acute, and IMMENSE suffering within his already miserable body. But before he could properly assess the issue at hand, it continued, causing him to slump heavily against the counter, fingernails scrabbling for purchase as he felt his very body itself, bones, muscle, change. 

he’d encountered many strange shifts during his time in the tower. and it vaguely occurred this might’ve been one of them, somewhere in his frantic and racing thoughts. But none of them felt like this. None of them hurt so badly.

he was on the floor before long, back arching as his miserable groans and cries of agony were smothered in his throat. couldn’t even call for help, because even his vocal cords were gripped by the same agonizing, pulling, twisting, breaking pain that overtook every other part of him. He became a stranger in his own form, experiencing every brutal second of suffering while being powerless to stop or understand it. The best peppino had managed was to drag himself across the floor towards the exit in a feeble attempt to get outside, and … and hope maybe gustavo had decided to come back or that someone, ANYONE would come to check on him. 

eyes fell shut with a shudder, air pulled deep into lungs and then –

A HOWL. the beast that now laid in his place pulled itself up from the floor, testing new and unfamiliar limbs as it stumbled forward a few paces, swaying unsteadily before it threw itself against the front doors, breaking them from their hinges as it raced off into the night.

[deicidedruid]

Okay so thoughts on episode 75

(Tw for mentions of abuse, religious trauma, isolation, neglect, and a lot of other intense stuff. This is a discussion of Gillion, his past, and how he’s changed. Sorry it’s kind of a ramble I just needed to get my feelings out).

One thing I have considered with Gillion Tidestrider is what drives Gillion to be so crazed in his search and defeat of evil. This episode has given a lot of context on that front. He was trained from a young age to see black and white to a disturbing degree. Since he was a child he was put in simulations not only with the enemy, but with their relations as well, such as their children. In these simulations he was probably forced to kill children, cementing in him the idea that evil is evil no matter the face. He was forced to take these actions not only for the elder’s approval but also because the situation was either kill or be killed.

With Charlie’s description of young Gillion I doubt that the elders spared any brutality when training the young Tidestrider. All the people in the simulation were programmed to kill him, and to have an immense hatred for him and his people. This creates a straw man for Gillion, an idea of the kinds of people who live on the oversea and how despicable they are. Gillion goes through this simulation again and again until the people’s faces are blurred and they just take the face of evil. When he was younger, he probably failed the simulation many times. Gillion mentions throughout the series how he’s not exactly “good” at being the Chosen One. In the sun temple he is excited at the prospect of there being another chosen one, saying “maybe he’s actually good at this.” In the flashback with Edyn in one of the earlier episodes, Gillion talks of his repeated failures.

Failure was a common theme of Gillion’s childhood. So his ideals, his antipathy towards evil, wasn’t only taught to him, it was beaten into him. As a child, in armor too big for him, he had to confront death time and time again. And the elders probably let him come close, to let him feel the consequences of evil intimately. So it makes so much sense how crazed Gillion is to fight evil. It’s pavloved into him, but also he doesn’t want anyone to feel like he did. He doesn’t want anyone else to be beaten or hurt, to feel fear and desperation. Although he gets rather brutal in his fighting of evil you can see his genuine care and empathy for the people he saves.

And in the oversea, it’s his first chance to be a real hero. For the first time Gillion is in an environment where he can actually win. In the undersea no matter how much good he did, the elders were still relentlessly disappointed in him. But in the oversea he can actually be a hero for once, a real one. He can finally save real people. That’s why I think he was so quick to make the deal with Nicklaus. He is so adamant to beat down evil, real evil, because it beat him down so many times. He won’t let others suffer like he did. This is what gives Gillion this kind of feral rage against it.

Shades of grey weren’t programmed into him, it’s evil that hurts people, evil that made him bruise and blister, and evil that made the elders disappointed in him. Tested again and again in simulation after simulation he is conditioned to butcher evil. And although his morals have changed, the deep urge inside him to hunt down evil will never dissipate. Killing is second nature to him. But there is no doubt that he has changed. After Gillion kills Grimm he doesn’t go after Anastasia because she had yet to do anything wrong. He doesn’t go after Aslana and her sisters even though they helped the empress. He doesn’t kill the king of Edison kingdom no matter the pain he caused, he doesn’t hurt Jay after she almost killed him, and there’s countless other examples.

Gillion could have easily been a villain if he hadn’t met Chip and Jay, two people that did some bad things but were not evil. They showed him that people don’t have to be perfect, that they have layers. As a kid sheltered from any kind of interaction besides the elders who he deemed as perfect people, that’s something incredibly important for him to learn. He regarded his own flaws as aberrations his doubts as failures but his friends make him realize that those things are incredibly normal. Through this Gillion realizes that the elder’s teachings are flawed. Though he still has the strong urge to hurt evildoers, his evolution of what is evil has changed. And he has evolved as a person as well, from Champion of the undersea hero of the deep, to something a bit more like Gillion Tidestrider, friend of Chip and Jay.

[maschotch]

Stains

day five prompt: hand holding

reeeeally struggled trying to figure out what to do with this prompt. i’m truly incapable of writing fluff so this here’s some more redundant hotch angst by yours truly: hotch struggles with the concept of being a dad

The most important thing in Hotch’s life was undeniably Jack. From the moment that child was born, Hotch was sold. Jack’s little hand curled around Hotch’s finger with an impossible grip. It was inconceivably soft, the scent of fresh baby lingering on Hotch’s skin even after he let go. The perfect picture of innocence—the complete opposite of Hotch.

It was an immense, absolute joy that Hotch didn’t deserve to have.

He’s always been a little reluctant to have children. He didn’t exactly have the best family history, nor the most ideal role model when it comes to fathers. No matter how Haley tried to comfort or reassure him, he just couldn’t help but think he’d end up the exact same. It was in his blood, after all.

He could fight it all he wanted—he may even win most of the time—but it doesn’t change the anger that laced his veins. He was fighting his own nature. The memory of his own father forever singed into his flesh, the old, faded scars a perpetual reminder of what he’s capable of.

He didn’t want his son to go through same fear he grew up with. He got accustomed to it eventually—kids are adaptable that way. But the icy shudder running down his spine when he felt his frustration mount was a different kind of fear entirely. It frayed his nerves, like a powerful electric current buzzing just under his skin; pins and needles drowning out all his senses, making him numb to anything other than the overwhelming horror at the thought that he might hurt someone he loves.

He shut down in those moments, much to his long-suffering wife’s irritation. (Haley preferred to be straight-forward with confrontation, so it annoyed her constantly that he refused to so much as raise his voice in an argument.) There were certain situations where he felt he could appropriately release his anger—the interrogation room, mostly—but it was easier to suppress everything than risk lashing out. It’s dangerous. He’s dangerous.

It’s easier to run away. Easier to bury himself in work and fly halfway across the country every week. Easier to let Haley move out and file for divorce. Easier to cut off contact with people he cares about so he doesn’t hurt them. Easier if he’s not around anymore.

Easier if he’s not around at all.

That point was never made clearer to him than his encounters with the Reaper. At first it was just guilt. Guilt was something he was used to, guilt was something he could handle. How he was sent away all those years ago, tail between his legs, after failing to do anything useful. How there was a part of him that was frustrated that the killing stopped, because it meant he couldn’t finish the job. How he’d looked George Foyet in the eyes and didn’t see anything but another victim, never once understanding who the man truly was. How, when he was given a second chance, he let the man slip through his fingers again, failing again.

The humiliation of being caught off guard in his own home. The unspeakable agony he felt—too weak to even writhe on the carpet—as Foyet carved into him. It was fitting that they matched, even if he retched at the memory when he looked in the mirror the first dozen times. He forced himself to look, anyway, nearly breaking bone with how tightly his jaw was clenched. Marked by the two reflections of himself manifested in a brutal reality.  

He’d only be lying to himself if he said he didn’t deserve it.

If he hadn’t been there, maybe someone else would’ve seen what he couldn’t. If he hadn’t been there, maybe Foyet wouldn’t have started killing again. Maybe Haley—

No. Haley’s fate was sealed the day they locked eyes in the theater all those years ago. It was an inevitability he didn’t want to confront, so he shoved it down and pretended he was capable of living a happy life, of making someone happy. Hotch couldn’t blame Foyet for her death. If it hadn’t been Foyet, it would’ve been something else Hotch’s existence wrought.

Somewhere in the back of his mind as he was slamming the corpse of Foyet into the floor over and over again, he had the sense to be disgusted. But it wasn’t a surprise. The shock on Derek, Emily, and Dave’s faces as they got a taste of what kind of monster Aaron Hotchner kept locked up were expressions he didn’t want to see. Every horrible truth about himself that he tried to contain proven in an instant. He was violent. He was dangerous.

He couldn’t hug Jack that day. Couldn’t even look him in the eye, just ushered him into JJ’s arms so he could be held by anything other than bloody hands.  

Every fear he ever had about who he was had been confirmed; the evidence was growing cold downstairs with a face so distorted it was almost hard to recognize. Hotch wasn’t capable

He had to adjust that mindset when Jack moved into his apartment. He had someone who relied on him to do… well… everything. The kid was only 5. He could barely brush his teeth by himself. Hotch shoved aside all the fears that came hand in hand with attachment—he needed to. There was no other option. He had to be there for his son.

He had to be a father.

The mental adjustment of Jack living with him wasn’t as difficult as he thought. He still startled when he tripped on toys littering the hallway, as if he forgot Jack was even there. He performed his fatherly duties on autopilot, spending most of his time processing this huge adjustment in his life, dimly recognizing in the back of his mind how much of a threat he posed to his son.

Jack sat on the carpet playing with Legos in the same spot that had been stained with blood—wounds inflicted by the man Hotch beat to death with his bare hands. It was grounding, in a way. Sometimes it was encouraging: showing how far he’s come and how happy Jack is despite Hotch’s anxiety, replacing blood on his hands with washable marker. Sometimes it was excruciating: a reminder of the darkest parts of him that he didn’t want Jack to see. A reminder of what his hands were actually good at.

It was beyond horrifying. He wondered if Jack noticed the way his hands shook in their first few months of living together, or the way he hesitated every time he went to touch him. Physical contact eventually became routine, but there was still that underlying fear that he would do something to hurt Jack.

It was a deep, sinking feeling that he was going to fuck this all up somehow.

But when Jack reached out to him… When Jack crawled up to sleep next to Hotch in bed, or raced to throw his arms around him in a bear hug when Hotch returned home, or snuggled closer on the couch during movie nights, it was as if a slight weight lifted from Hotch’s chest and he was able to breathe a little easier.

Hotch could ruminate on future regrets as much as he wanted, but it didn’t change the fact that right here, right now, Jack didn’t fear him. Jack loved him. It tugged on Hotch’s heart almost painfully, but he’d gladly take that unabashed, unconditional love his son gave, even if he was unworthy of it.

When Jack reached for his hand, still unbelievably small, Hotch could pretend they had a chance.

[felikatze]

give me the a brainworms i am deeply invested in this man

(0) (2) (3) (4)

okay first of all you asked for this. second of all if i am a little off track from the game that is explained by me just building thoughts like building blocks without looking back. third i was supposed to be studying for an exam but this counts as practice right? it's character analysis anyway lmao.

buckle the fuck up, my dearest anon, because I have sub headings.

1. A as the Player Character

Let me begin with why I am obsessed with this horrid little guy in the first place: he's a silent protagonist. I am always obsessed with protagonists. It's a law of nature. I love taking hollow characters and dissecting them for scraps. It's a long standing practice of mine.

Being a silent protagonist, A, as X, does not have a set personality. However, there are patterns. Firstly, as any semi-silent protagonist, A is a reactive character. He does not start incidents, he only responds to situations, presented by the Sephirah, as they arise. He does not actively seek out new information, merely going about the routine of expanding departments, but expresses curiosity when information is presented to him.

I'm aware fandom likes to characterize X and A differently, likely because they are initially presented as different characters. I, on the other hand, would like to pose the theory that they are more similar than expected.

I believe that A is also a reactive character, rather than active. Despite the fandom wiki describing him as stubborn, the goal A pursues with such fervor, the completion of the Seed of Light, is not actually a goal he set for himself. Carmen is the one who set this goal for him by leaving him her legacy.

Throughout the backstory we get relating to the Cogito Project, A is Carmen's assistant, whereas Carmen is the driving researcher. This is how many of the City's inhabitants seem to be; going with the flow of goals set for them by superiors. Yes I will get into his attachment to Carmen later.

The above is not to say A isn't stubborn. Once he has accepted a goal as his own, he will pursue it at all costs, as is obvious from any and all flashbacks leading to horrible deaths. But the point isn't his pursuit of the goal, but where that goal comes from. Even Lobcorp itself supports this, despite what Hokma may say; A as X follows the "simple" task of managing the Corp's day to day activities, and executes any mission given to him by the Sephirah. He outranks them, and doesn't actually need to do their missions, but does so anyway. Players are driven by the reward offered by those missions, of course, and A might be the same in that regard. Nonetheless, at no point in gameplay do you do anything somebody else hasn't told you to.

The overarching narrative of the Script would be the most obvious example. Every single person in the game follows the script, whether they know it or not.

Lastly on this note, a phrase we hear attributed to A, "Machines must behave as machines." Now, Angela may be attached to this phrase because it bears significance to herself as a machine, and informs most of A's unjust treatmeant of her. However, what if it doesn't just apply to machines? The phrase reads as such, "Everyone must act according to their own role."

2. A, Carmen, and the disease of the mind

So, A will at any cost pursue goals Carmen set for him. Question is, why? The obvious answer would be saying he's in love with her, which like, true. But also, how did Carmen come to be so precious to him?

Let us return to the comparison, "This is how many of the City's inhabitants seem to be." We don't really know why exactly most characters joined Carmen, excluding mainly Daniel and Benjamin. But this does not mean we can't have theories.

Carmen's ideal was curing the "disease of the mind." What is the disease? Complete hopelessness. The inability to form aspirations and dreams, to think of a better future. A is a very reactive character who does not set goals for himself. Therefore, I personally conclude, that initially, Carmen's ideology resonated with him because he could identify with the disease.

This is the point where I start rewatching Lobcorp story clips. Dear god.

So, by briefly binging day 27 onward, I've come up with lines that very much support this lil theory of mine:

First, from Carmen, a description of the disease, "People lock away their own potential."

Second, a line from Angela, after the memory synchronization, "You've locked yourself in this prison without bars."

Carmen describes A as humble, and Benjamin thinks he is warm. If I suppose A was one of the diseased initially, Carmen would be the catalyst for this change. Carmen was someone with big aspirations, with plans to heal what is wrong with the City, and it gave him hope. He was one of the diseased, but through time with Carmen, with that relentless optimistic spirit, he may have been cured, for a time. It's not a stretch to say that she was his light.

But lor shows us what happens when the seed of light sprouts wrong, doesn't it? It distorts. A grasped hope for the first time and then it is ruthlessly crushed. Carmen was everything. Yes, A is described as a jack-of-all-trades, as a genius in all pursuits he puts his mind to, but what does that matter in the face of someone who can unite people? Who can give them hope of a better world? Who can inspire them to actually use the talents they have?

And what kind of pressure is it to put the legacy of a messiah in the hands of the diseased?

3. A and the Perception Filter: A is weak to White damage

No, I am serious about that. He's extremely weak mentally. Obviously death of a loved one is a changing experience for absolutely anybody, but Carmen's death destroyed him.

Not only did he refuse to confide this grief to anyone and bottled it up, now everybody looked to him to lead the project, but he just isn't Carmen. He isn't an ambitious person, he doesn't have the same optimism, he can't bring people together, but people expected him to, and he failed. Hard.

While he was without a doubt talented in science, he was also just an average guy.

After her death, A grew to hate humans. He lost trust in them. He refused to confide in anyone, and be confided in by anyone. Thus, the team fell apart.

In both lobcorp and lor, we get interesting tidbits about precations taken to protect the manager.

Firstly, Lobcorp's perception filter. The cartoony art-style of the game is a result of the game being in first person. Through the eyes of the manager, everything is cartoony!

This is a measure undertaken to specifically protect the manager's psyche. Angela tells us that, before it was deployed, the manager would frequently go insane, one notable incident including the manager trying to hang himself. When we first hear this, the previous managers and X are still separate in our minds. However, they're all A! A went insane multiple times without it.

This is understandable, considering that employees also frequently go insane and try to kill both themselves and others. But they're there in action, confronting the Abnormalities directly. Just watching them made the manager go mad. They could not handle the responsibility for the employees' deaths.

In lor, Angela explains why she picked the Rabbit Team from R Corp as their main contractor instead of any other team. One team was simply too big for L Corp's narrow hallways, and the other team... dealt in psychic damage. It was simply too big of a risk for the manager. But the manager is always secure behind the cameras. Would that teams methods just be that brutal visually, or would their attacks have reached the manager?

Combined with his immense grief at all of his friends and coworkers dying in part because of him, A cannot bear to look at death.

4. A's greatest flaw: Avoidance

A common thread during Core Meltdown flashbacks: A refuses to look at suffering. He just can't. Whether it be looking away from Elijah writhing on the floor or hanging up on Daniel's panicked report of death.

This is actually the thing Angela takes the biggest issue with, and what hurt her most. A would never look at her, acknowledge her, and she did not understand why. But I think A did not refuse to look at her out of maliciousness. Rather, it was out of grief over Carmen. He could not look at her without being reminded of what he lost.

Angela's creation came about because A wanted someone to guide him, someone like Carmen. He threw himself into the project to the point it made Benjamin happy that A was passionate about anything again. But as soon as the project he distracted himself with is complete, he is filled with regret. Carmen cannot be replicated, and he breaks again.

Furthermore, tying this back to my first point about A being a reactive person, we see Angela take charge over A. She's the one recruiting employees and leading the business. It was likely a relief for him to be able to step down from the leading position.

But avoiding it made everything worse. He did not act when he saw Elijah's unchecked ambition, he did not act beyond a simple check at Gabriel's decay, he gave Giovanni the same hope he clung to to no avail, et cetera et cetera.

Avoiding his problems is making them worse and sending everything down the drain (including his psyche), so he deals with it the only way he knows how, avoiding them more!

Biggest example of A's big avoidance problem as his psyche crumbles: the memory wipe. A, in perhaps his one singular moment of acknowledging his emotions, recognizes that he is incapable of fulfilling the Script in his current state. His grief is just too much.

By erasing his own memory, he could start fresh without his grief, because he might've really killed himself otherwise. His suffering became bigger and bigger, and he coped by avoiding it.

The memory wipe allowed him to distangle his problems. Through his interactions with the Sephirah (which I will not individually detail for the sake of my sanity and because I dumped all this on a friend on discord already), he can deal with and actually process his issues one at a time.

As the motto describes, only by facing the fear can he build the future. Only by finally facing his grief and acknowleding it, seeing that the past cannot be changed and he has no choice to move forward, can he actually do so.

5. The Sephirah as ghosts

Lobotomy Corporation feels like a ghost story. I've touched upon this in my previous A post.

As you reach the Corp's lower levels, there are less Sephirah. First there are four. They act like normal employees, and do not breach into the story's underbelly until you reach their core supressions and the facade breaks. Second, counting Tiphereth as one, there are three. They still go about their duties, but they know what they are. Third, there are two, and the facade is gone. They know what they are, and they will tell you about the sins of the past.

And finally, you reach Keter, and there is only one.

This gradual decay of the facade is what really gets to me. I said that by interacting with the Sephirah, A deals with his issues one by one, but that's what the Sephirah are, in this case. Representations.

The people the Sephirah used to be are dead, and the Sephirah are their ghosts. The core supression involve putting these ghosts to rest. Doesn't it match the progression of a typical ghost story? Find the ghost, find what they used to be, and help them move on.

So, if everyone is a ghost, then A is alone.

But, behind the scenes, the Sephirah are still there. They are still people, and they have changed for the better, too. As always, A simply does not look.

(Does he even see the good others see in him? Does he look away from praise, too? Did he even realize Benjamin's admiration for him? Will we ever know?)

6. A's end.

A's progression of moving on would be fine and dandy if it did not end as thus: A does kill himself.

A sees himself beyond the point of no return. Everyone is dead. He is alone. Carmen is never coming back. He can't call it quits now, or else everything has been in vain. (Even if the last days show us a part of him wants to just quit, so badly.)

So, there's only one thing left to do: follow the Script to its ending. Fulfill Carmen's legacy at all costs. Death as the ultimate release.

This is the point where I admit I do not like the death as release trope. But the game does a good enough job as presenting it as the only option A had, or the only option he saw himself as having.

However, I've mentioned it before, I'll mention it again: A was not alone. Death was his release, but he left wreckage. In order to end his own suffering, he inflicted the same pain he went through on others.

Throughout the game, he moves on and pushes through. The ending shows that in reality... he didn't.

At least in lor the characters stick together and help each other heal.

This has been most of my thoughts on A, amounting to my longest analysis post ever, having taken me approximately two and a half hours to complete, and clocking in at 2337 words including up to this paragraph.

Thank you anon for giving me the incentive to verbalize all of this, so I can finally be at ease having inflicted my thoughts on everybody else.

[starry-skies-116]

CHARACTER WRITING CLEARUP:

Gregory, at first glance, has a very clear cut-out goal in mind: escape the Pizzaplex, find his family, secure his future and live out his future in the form of happily ever after.

However, why does he want that?

Well, see his responses to the taunts of the animatronics at the beginning of the game. 

‘You are nothing!’- He is reminded of the time he was bullied by Michael and his friends, when indecisiveness plagued him, when he was small and powerless and fragile- when he was nothing in the eyes of the universe, meant little to anyone.

‘Nobody will miss you!’- Flashbacks to unimaginable pain and a slick, red and wet pulse of an artery failing, his death in the hospital, hearing the faint sounds of coffin being laid upon the ground, of a pastor preaching that his soul may be laid to rest after death, of the cries of his siblings apologizing, begging for him to come back.

‘Are you hungry?’- Take a wild guess and listen to yourself. What kind of question is that? Of course the poor kid is hungry and cold and scared.

‘Game over, kid!’- Please, he begs. He doesn’t want to die again- he just wants to be happy, he doesn’t want this. He just wants his family and his future and his life back. Is that so much to ask?

This is the central question of any character: what does the protagonist want? What is the clear end goal in mind? What are they afraid of, and what stops them?

Gregory has lost everything by the events of pre-Security Breach. His home, his family, his life and world as he knew it- his humanity, his dignity and innocence, all brutally ripped away from him while he was powerless to stop it.

What he is afraid of is his past, or more accurately, the demons haunting said past and the root cause behind those demons. His circumstances force him to nurture unhealthy paranoia, which prevents him from achieving what he wants- to heal his suffering and have a future alongside his family. This internal conflict even extends as far as his ‘simple and brute’ way of solving problems and dealing with obstacles with a deeper sense of humanity and goodness towards those he loves and sees as family. 

Hell, he even makes a nom de guerre, or alias, of Gregory, for himself out of his own felt necessity to do so.

And for what he lacks in physical strength, he displays impeccable intelligence and another widely useful skillset, such as being technologically savvy, having some form of evasive manuevering and espionage ability to draw secrets out of the enemy, as well as a strategic, tactical and vigilant mind along with an impeccable eye for detail. He is able to use what paltry information is given to him in the emails to craft plans to swiftly and promptly dispose of Chica, Roxanne and Montgomery. For someone who is physically weak and petite in stature as a kid, he uses brute force coupled with terrifying intelligence- like, a LOT.

And he’s not insane while doing these actions, I feel the need to remind you of such things. He doing such evil out of love and a twisted sense of hope and idealism- and he’s disturbingly self-aware while conducting these actions, aware of the evil he’s committing, aware that he’s hurting them.

And yet he doesn’t question his ideals because he is resolute- he has charted his course long ago, told himself that he HAD to do this- that this was the duty he HAD to fulfill, that there was no turning back.

He believes that love- his love- will redeem him, absolve him of his sins. This is the extent to which losing his family has psychologically scarred him, damaged him, influenced him into who he is today.

He’s not mentally broken, or insane- he still immensely lacks mental stability and a guiding hand in life. He doesn’t trust himself, can’t live with himself despite being self-reliant and domineering.

He is scared, and yet, he is no coward- he is driven by an indomitable willpower, an unshakeable spirit, and a love that he believes can conquer all- driven by regret, by need, by spite and a chance to prove himself and regain all he lost, that turns into hope- his light at the end of the tunnel. 

He remembers a clear idea of who he once was and how things should’ve been, and he is motivated by this idealistic worldview of what his future should be in his eyes. 

Not remembering the whole context that life can be so much more, that the future is more than just a pre-defined set of expectations and dreams driven by grief and longing, is his hamartia, his fatal flaw, in this context. He wants to make peace with his past, leave it behind, but it is a part of him in blood, flesh, bone and mind and soul- it shall never leave; it will never go away, and that’s something he doesn’t want to accept because it hurts to accept it.

And as for the reason why he’s so unhinged, the reason why he has nothing but overwhelming devotion and electric fury flowing through his veins?

His death in his previous life is an insult to him- it is an insult to everything he is, everything his life is- everything he had and loved and held dear to his heart. His death is the statement that he doesn’t matter, and that he never mattered, and neither did his life, his future, or anything he ever cared about or could ever have in life.

It is the statement that he will never matter and never be accepted as he is, that he will never be enough or worth anything at all- a concept that he is trying desperately to disprove.

His endgame by accomplishing his preprogrammed, prerequisite set of goals, accomplishing his mission, is to:

Heal his suffering and make peace with his trauma

Prove himself and his worth out of spite against the world that he, too, is worth something- that he can be brave, work hard, be better than what he was before.

Find his family and his home, and live out the future that he always wanted.

This is something that he so desperately wants, needs- this is something that he has to do in order to be at peace and clear his mind of torment.

And this is precisely why he goes to such extreme measures to achieve it.

[breaking-shadows]

A writer’s perspective...

I’m an Elriel shipper and an avid reader but I’m also a writer, so I wanted to add a writer’s perspective. This wasn’t intended to provide clarity on Elriel or otherwise, just a few thoughts. I apologise in advance for the long ramble.

When we start to get the first interactions between Elain and Azriel in ACOMAF, the stakes are simply not high enough, or there at all. It would have been so easy to have the “quiet” sister paired with the “quiet” brother. But who would have really cared and what impact would it have had on the reader? Very little, I imagine. Graysen wasn’t an established character that anyone cared about so if Elain discarded him for a beautiful, brooding Illyrian, then who’d blame her.

Personally, I would not spend three books dropping breadcrumbs to hint at a build-up between characters if I had no intention of making them end-game. But would I make them suffer to get their happily ever after? Absolutely! Would I put them through the ringer to make them deserve it? Of course, my readers would expect nothing less.

Even if I first intended the two characters to be together and then changed my mind, I would have fizzled it out and drawn a line under it asap.  This hasn’t happened with Elain and Azriel, if anything we’ve had the opposite, and we’re at the stage now where this is a love they’re going to have to fight for, and as a writer and a reader, they’re the best kind.

 Obstacle 1 – Mor

While Mor was never really a barrier for Elriel to overcome, Azriel’s feelings for her are still something that needs to be addressed. We’ve had hints of it in ACOSF, Azriel’s gazes of pining and longing towards her are less, but this is an issue that still needs resolving in the upcoming books. For their well-being if nothing else. Plot wise, it adds very little tension because as readers we know it will never be, as a writer, it needs an honest conversation between these characters.

Obstacle 2 – Lucien

We’ve had the set-up of mates and all the importance that comes with it with Feyre and Rhys, and now Nesta and Cassian.

Lucien, a beloved character, who deserves the world, is introduced as Elain’s mate during a highly charged, fraught ending in ACOMAF. Now as a reader, my reaction was: Oh! I thought she’d end up with the quiet one. And as a writer it was: Oh! What of she ends up with the quiet one? Suddenly, the stakes are a little higher, we have a barrier, there is something in the way of an easy get-together. Especially when we learn more about mating and the Blood Duel which is still legal in the Autumn Court.

At first, when Lucien goes to the Night Court with Feyre, it is because his mate is there, and he is nothing more than a guest in their court. Elain isn’t interested in the mating bond with Lucien, so fine. Reject the bond and move on with Azriel, very little to overcome. Except, fast-forward to ACOSF and Lucien’s dynamic has changed with the Night Court. Court politics come in to play. He is no longer a guest, but an ally that ties several of the courts together. They cannot afford to lose the support of the other courts. Which leads me on to:

Obstacle 3 – Rhys

I have read lots of posts with people furious with Rhys saying he was OOC etc. For him and Feyre, the dynamic changed in ACOSF, therefore, he had to change with it. He has a pregnant mate; which instinct tells him to protect at all costs. They have just faced a brutal war that affected them all and can’t put his people through that again, can’t put the ones he loves through that again and there is a shadow of one on the horizon.

All great plot points aside, that one scene in Azriel’s POV and we’re hit with the forbidden love trope. We have longing, we have tension, we have a barrier in the form of someone Azriel loves and respects deeply. The stakes are not suddenly high, they’re astronomical. What a mountain to overcome!

Obstacle 4 – Azriel and Elain

Elain needs to become something to be reckoned with. I loved the glimpses we got of her on ACOSF, she was beginning to fight back, she had bite, but now we know there is more to come – and I for one cannot wait. And as character development – oh the places she could go. She has feelings for Azriel, that is established, so no qualms there.

Azriel – this boy is a mess. Personally, he needs to love himself before he can offer anyone anything, but what a beautiful journey that could be. I didn’t lose my shit at his POV, it was a snap-shot of a moment. No, it didn’t scream of love for Elain, but previous actions have shown feelings that go beyond sexual, sitting, talking with her until the early hours etc. The scene was designed to tell us how much he wanted her. A trait often described with SJM’s males. He needs to get his shit together.

Obstacle 5 – Gwyn

Now, let’s look at the addition of Gwyn (who I adore btw). This one seems to have the ability to make or break Elriel. From a writer’s POV she has amazing potential. Azriel already has feelings for Elain so she isn’t really something to overcome, but she has already caused tension. I don’t see her as a distraction, given her background, (poor girl has been through enough) I wouldn’t want her treated like that and nothing in Azriel’s POV indicated that. She could be a friend, a different type of friend he so badly needs, a confidante, someone to help him heal. Could be.

We also have the potential of misunderstandings, which can add immense tension to a relationship. Will Elain see Az and Gwyn together and have her heart broken because she thinks he has feelings for her when really he’s confiding in his love for Elain? Maybe. (Not even touching on that necklace!) At this stage, for SJM all things are possible, and that is incredibly exciting.

Let’s say SMJ does indeed intend Gwyn and Azriel to be end-game. We’ve had sprinklings of interactions between them ranging from polite to sweet to a little flirty.

The moment with Gwyn in Azriel’s POV, I’ll have to admit, knocked me for six. I can see it; I can see them together and how she would be good for him. But for it to negate four books worth of build-up, I don’t see it happening, from a writer’s POV, and as a reader, I’d wonder what the point was. But I’m not SJM and there is a possibility she could go down this route. For me, for this to be worthwhile in the eyes of the reader, their story is going to have to be EPIC, otherwise the pay-off isn’t worth it. But as a writer, what a journey that would be.

In compense, Elain would have to do something magnificent, would have to step into her own. She herself could become something to fear, the Persephone to Koschei’s Hades. (I hope not but look at the potential). The only thing here is the relationship between Az and Gwyn. His feelings for Elain are the only source of conflict. It’s possible Azriel has had enough conflict and just wants to love and be loved in return. Gywn could offer than, but I think it’s missing something.

 I think my main point, though poorly executed, is writing is a rollercoaster, and the readers are the ones in the carriages with white-tipped knuckles, gripping on tight. If it consisted of a 2-metre straight track, you’d wonder why the hell you bothered. So, however this ends, sit back and enjoy the ride and be kind to each other, whoever you ship. It will be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching, and emotional. It will hurt like hell, but by god it will be worth it.

 Didn’t expect this post to be so long – forgive me!

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

I like your writing so much !!

Can you please write something where Harry is sick and Draco takes care of him?

45. There's no me without you

Prompt- feeling their temperature | Thank you so much for requesting this, I tried to give my very best, however I'm pretty sure the ending didn't turn up that great.

| Harry is diagnosed with a terminal disease | ANGST | HURT COMFORT |

" you called for us ?" Draco asked as he sat down with harry in the chairs in front of the desk.

" how is my favourite couple doing ?" The healer asked with a gracious smile

" mind me, but it's sound's a bit- well- like there's some bad news " harry pointedly almost slightly worried.

The healer's head bowed, in disgrace of not being able to conceal " before I tell you this, please don't be mad. You know I'd do anything to help you as much as I can "

" you're scaring us Ms. Carnballer " draco's fingers automatically held Harry's hand in a tight grip unknowingly

She sighed, pushing the files towards the couple " after the accident of last week, you had required a full body scan and the results came in today "

" wh- what's does it say then ?" Draco's voice quivered, not even being able to read the words on the parchment

" it's my regret to inform you, harry suffers from a terminal disease, plaganeisis. It's somewhat very familiar to muggle..."

But harry was already falling. All the voices were fading and all his vision fading. He knew something was ought to go wrong sometime, but this soon, he didn't expect. His mind rapidly rushed to all the promises he would break, all the promises of spending his forever with draco, only his forever was now limited.

" Mr. Potter, are you listening ?"

" harry, honey " draco violently shook Harry's body on the chair which has gone into unconscious paralysis.

"huh?" Harry voiced

" I said, you're not so severe. But the disease is ought to spread. I- maybe you should take some time and relax yourself. Why don't I just talk to Mr. Malfoy right now ?" She asked sympathetically. Normally harry would've denied and requested to stay but his mind was spiralling into fading into consciousness to unconsciousness, so harry nodded and slowly left the room and waited outside with his thoughts.

Harry didn't talk to anyone properly for an entire week after that, even to his friends who stopped by his place to console him. It was as if the death seemed nearer than it already was. All he thought for days was about his numbered days and leaving draco so broken beyond his comprehension. If harry cared only Little about himself, he would sneak a peek at draco and stare at him looking out of the window, sadly until he'd turn to harry with a smile. It broke his heart to even think about draco after him. They'd only been together for 3 years, in which they had hurriedly married last year, but they had never regretted that decision until very this moment, harry wondered how would it be to let him go.

" I think you should break up with me and find yourself Someone who isn't dying " harry had said one day on the dinner table

Draco only looked at harry strangely, not responding or eating. Harry only remembered hearing draco's cries late in the night when he assumed harry was asleep. He wanted to make his pain stop, but how could he.

This was until harry met with the healer once again.

" harry, I need you to understand that your death would only be nearer if you're thinking it's near. Keeping yourself motivated right now would seem very hard right now but you have to understand that you're hurting other people around you with forcing them to leave you because you think it'd hurt less. I've told you this before and I'll tell you this again, you can prolong your life for as long as your body wants. If you're forcing yourself to surrender yourself to death, you'd be dead very soon but if you don't, you'd Maybe live another 10 years "

" it will hurt, I know. Leaving everything broken. But make the most of it right now,as much as you can. Draco needs you right now and so do you and you have to remember that " Ms. Carnballer softly smiled at harry from the opposite side. It was then when harry realised, he's not dead, not yet. He's still alive. He still is.

And that very night, harry entered the house with a cake, called over his close friends and spent his time, relished it, till he could. It was an improvement and his friends were very happy to see that but that didn't stop them from giving him a sympathies, pity hugs, hugs for longer than usual. For once harry didn't mind, even if it was somewhere Breaking him inside.

" what was all this ?" Draco furiously asked after everyone had left

" what ?"harry asked confused.

" what was the point of all this ? A reminder that you're dying soon ? " Draco's eyes glimmered with sad tears or anger, that was yet to be figured.

" draco-"

" no- you can't Just barge into the house with a damn cake and call over your friends and spend the night as if nothing has happened. Or tell me I should find someone new. do you even realise how horrid I felt when you told me to leave you and find someone who would never be anywhere equal to you and-" but then he broke down onto the chair behind him, heaving violently as he covered his mouth to not release the screams, the sound of pain.

Harry's heart broke to see Draco like that. In the process of turning on the switch, he forgot that if there was anyone in the world who would be most effected by Harry's death, it would be him. And harry had never understand, nor probably will understand how draco must be feeling.

Harry kneeled down in front of draco, his eyes swimming with tears leaking with water to pour. He took the hand that covered draco's lips and kissed them softly, leaving a droplet of tear over his fist.

" everything is not fine draco, it would probably not even be and we can't change that but now more than ever I need you and you need me. You more than me, this will probably be the last moments I spend with you and I don't want to spend that time fighting with you. I want us to fight together. You're right, I didn't realise how I was imposing on you to find Someone new without even thinking because I assumed it would be easier for both of us and now I clearly know it's not. I can't change what's about to happen love, but we can spend each and every moment making memories that will never leave you. I don't want to see you in pain, ever.. I love today and I will love you tomorrow and I will love you from my grave but we both need to understand that. Will you spend my numbered days with me ?" Harry's voice was soft as honey,as if he wanted to conceal both of them from the already bitterness of the situation but again that Infact what they should be doing.

Draco nodded sobbing, kissing harry for the first time in a while because harry allowed to.

" let's make it count, yeah ?" Draco sighed, theirs forehead against another

" yes " harry replied with closed eyes. Maybe it made it all better.

The next few months, harry's condition only became worse. He started losing weight like heavy bricks, his face sucking in, his fingers shaking even to pick up a cup, his eyes becoming home to sunken eyes with dark circles. Harry had lost that innocence on his face and metaphorically his eyes were losing their lively look and if even so they pretended everything was fine, they both sobbed when the other one wasn't around, draco crying more mostly because he felt helpless.

" you have to help me Ms. Carnballer, I can't- I don't want to lose him. I'd much rather die than lose harry. He's the only thing in my life that makes sense. Please- please I beg you " draco sobbed harshly, pleading, begging.

" it's my immense regret-"

" I don't need sympathies. I need to help harry. I don't want him to die. There must be something, anything we can do to save him. please, I'm literally begging " draco cried.

Ms. Carnballer leaned into her chair, sighing. It was painful to see draco like this, even for her even though she saw people like that everyday but none so desperate like him. Draco looked like he hadn't slept for days, he hadn't, he hadn't eaten properly. In taking care of harry, he had forgotten to take care of his own self. That wasn't his priority.

" I will tell you truth draco, the researches are in progress. There's no cure as for now but if I must say, there must be cure. Nature would never create that It can't find a cure to. I can't promise how Long it will take to find a cure, I hope soon but all I can give you right now is hope. I can prescribe stronger medicines but that's the most I can help "

And with that Draco's helplessly and angrily went home, finding harry out of the bed.

" harry, you're not supposed to get up" draco signed as he put his bags on table, roaming around to find harry. And he did find harry sitting by the window.

" how are you feeling ?" Draco asked as he went closer to harry

" do you want me to tell you the truth or the same lie I tell you each day " harry had been crying and draco knew this by his rough voice.

Draco sighed " let's get you back into the bed. I'll make the dinner-"

" no. Draco. I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing you tiredly coming home each day, making dinner for me, telling me everything will be fine one day when you and I both know it won't be. Stop wasting your time on me. I'm meant to die and I will die " harry told Draco nonchalantly

" wh- I thought we had this conversation and we were done with this Absurdity " draco furiously threw his hands in the air.

Harry turned to Draco, stepping down from the window, standing still.

" you are wasting your life draco. I can't see that. In taking care of me look what have you done to your own self. When was even the last time you shaved or ate a proper dinner or went out with friends or just watched a movie and fell asleep on the couch without a care in the world. You think I don't watch you. I watch you like a hawk draco and I can't let you do this to yourself. This is brutal, harsh, painful to even watch " harry threw

" painful?" Draco scoffed " what do you know about pain harry. You tell me you don't want to hurt me, that you can't see me in pain but everyday you reach new heights of hurting me. It's hurts me everyday to watch you lose yourself little by little. It's brutal and harsh that after everything you will leave me alone to spend the rest of my life alone. I miss being myself but now all I think of is how can i take your pain away. It physically hurts me that I can't do anything to save you. It's cruel and brutal of the world to take you away from me when you're the Only thing that makes me want to live another day and when you're gone, how would I even possibly survive. I cry nights away because I can't stop your pain. After everything you've been through in your life, this isn't what you deserve and it's hurts me to every single core of my soul, my body and my heart. I'd much rather prefer death right now " draco yelled crying.

" If I am such a burden draco, please for the love of Merlin leav-" but harry had started coughing harshly. His body doubled over and in instincts, draco helped him to the couch and fetched water, calming his throat immediately.

Draco started crying rapidly, it was as if large crystal balls were dripping down his eyes and they didn't cease at all " I don't want to fight you. I don't- but I'm so hurt. I'm in pian harry, Maybe less than you but it's just- I can't lose you" draco took Harry's hands in how own, drawing circles over his hand.

" I know draco, I know. I wanted to-"

" no harry. It should be me consoling you yet everytime its you consoling me. There is so much wrong with this, but I don't want to console you because I can't stand losing you. I won't survive a day without you harry. I can't. I don't want to " draco sobbed. Harry gave Draco a sad smile, engulfing draco into a hug and kissing the top of his head.

" well I am Always the better one so " and draco finally chuckled, for the first time in months.

It occurred him that night when harry had fallen asleep, after checking his temperature for any signs that if nobody is going to help save harry, draco will do it himself.

And that very night he apparated to Hermione's place.

" I need help "

" about time " Hermione smirked as she led him into her study and they discussed all night about Harry's condition, anatomically the part of his body affected the worst and how can the spread possibly be stopped. Until Draco disapparated for the first time relieved before harry woke up.

It was another 1 month of brainstorming when one night, Hermione found it.

" it's the bone marrow "

" what ?" Draco confusedly asked

" the spread is only through his blood, right ? And bone marrow is the major manufacturer of helper stem cells in the body that would bring up his immunity. It's not the problem with the cells draco, its the bone marrow. Because harry is sickening, the strength of the production of-"

" the helper cells is reducing and if we just know how to fix that then the leukocytes and his platelets count would increase, thereby his body can fight itself "

" yes "

They both remained silent for a long time, until Hermione finally called Madame pomfrey from ages ago knowing she was the Only one who still performed old school magic for treatment of some very vital disease.

" Hermione, remember in second year when harry broke his arm ?" Draco asked suddenly

" what ? Of course "

" remember gilderoy instead of fixing Harry's arm, basically vanished his bone ?"

" of course. If we could reintroduce finer bone marrow-"

" without the aftermath of graft, harry would become healthy because his body will not reject it "

" call ms. Carnballer immediately "

And Ms. Carnballer agreed .

" of course, it was the muggle theory we failed to apply " ms. Carnballer said In a bit suspicious voice

" but ?" Both of them asked

" it seems too easy. I mean no wonder it might be the solution to it but if just seems so simple. If it were that simple, why couldn't wizards had thought of it before? It just seems as if this will have some drawback "

And then it hit them, it was a little too easy. After discussing, draco headed home with Ms. Carnballer telling him to wait for until she was sure of it.

Only time ran out. Draco was half an hour late than usual today and harry hadn't even woken up, even though he would've normally woken up..

Draco kneeled down next to harry, trying to wake him but harry gave no response. He was still breathing but his heartbeat was falling down little by little. In between panic attack, draco immediately dialled up Ron and Hermione.

" we need to immediately go to st. Mungo's"

And they didn't need more notice. They immediate disapparated to their place with Ron warming up the car and Hermione helping carry harry to the car.

" it will be fine. Everything will be fine " Hermione reassured him but draco had lost every shred of his sanity and was dripping all wet with tears.

" I can't lose him Hermione " draco cried as he held harry closely to himself with Ron almost flying the car

" you won't draco. He's a fighter " Ron assured.

Nodding, draco held harry more firmly to himself, whispering " I love you " and " please don't leave me " In Harry's ear. Ron and Hermione only shared looks.

______________________________

" would you at least try ? " Draco begged Ms. Carnballer

" I-"

" please. It have. 88% chances of Saving harry. Please Ms. Carnballer " Hermione countered.

Ms. Carnballer sighed " the hospital won't be responsible for anything that could go wrong, you must know that "

Draco froze. Anything that could go wrong. Those word's screamed in his head but then there was the faint memory running alongside in his head " it's us against the world. We will try till the end "

" do it " draco confirmed. Hermione looked at him for any hesitation. Met with none, she agreed.

He will not lose harry. He will not.. he can't ?

2 hours in the ward, Ms.carnballer finally came out..

" so ?" Draco asked worried out of his mind

" I- regret- harry is suffering from amnesia as of now " she told sighing heavily

" what do you mean amnesia ? It can't be possible" draco wanted to pound on her but ron held him back.

" it's anterograde. He knows everyone, mostly , but some memories might be lost " she weakly replied

Draco almost fell into Ron's grasp, his tears forming instantly

" can I meet him?"

" you can but don't try to pressurise him or anything. I request you "

Draco heavily nodded, biting off his lip in order to release the horrendous scream boiling inside him.

They all followed into the ward was in. Harry was staring out of the window when Draco approached him a little closer.

" harry ?" Draco asked softly, controlling his tears.

" malfoy ?" Harry turned his head with a frown to draco. It was all it took for draco to understand, he didn't remember them..but he wanted to try.

" you don't remember us?" He asked

" what do you mean ?" Harry asked.

Draco immediately turned around to ron and Hermione, who consoled him.

" he doesn't remember us" draco weeped.

" oh goodness I didn't expect you'd cry like a baby " harry chuckled

Frowning In tears draco turned around " what ?" He sniffed

" I could forget you, like you'd let me " harry raises an eyebrow at Draco comically

" what do you mean? She just told me you got amnesia- I don't believe you "

" alright. I got married to you last year on 31st October, at Malfoy manor. Ring a bell " harry quipped

" but she just- you told her to lie? Didn't you ?" Draco narrowed his eyes at harry

" of course. It was fun " harry laughed softly

" you fucking arsehole. You almost gave me heart attack " draco sneered

" but it didn't happen, so we're all good " harry shrugged

" tell me I can break his face " draco looked at Ron

" I'd agree with you unless he looked like this and unless I knew about this " Ron shrugged

" Ron!!! I wanted to say that " Hermione hit him on the shoulder

" you were in on this ?" Draco looked back and forth between both.

" you'd think otherwise. Of course we were in on it. Harry I'd give you a 2.5 for acting. That was shit " Ron raised an eyebrow at harry

" you tell me that when your wife cries like a damn baby " harry rolled his eyes

" I don't understand?" Draco's face filled with confusion after confusion.

Ron and Hermione shared a look before Hermione spoke up " let harry explain, we'll wait outside until your little war would be over "

And they walked out.

" come and sit " harry patted next to him, making some space for him.

In all anger draco narrowed his eyes at harry but at the same time he couldn't be more glad to be with this harry again "you better have a nice explanation " and sat down next to harry on the bed.

" so this happened last week. I woke up in the middle of night and I wanted to look for you but I couldn't find you, I assumed you must've gotten busy with something but when the next night same thing happened, I talked with Ron and Hermione about that. I was really worried for you and I just wanted to know if you were okay. I initially went to them to talk to them about taking care of you, looking after you mostly when I'm gone and told them the whole disappearance thing. It was then Hermione told me that you were trying to look for a cure. I can't tell you how proud I was and am of you. I really am. But you were doing it secretly and I wanted to maintain that until last night, Hermione, rang me and told me that you've got it. And you fell asleep outside for a while, great thing to do while you're husband is in a ward fighting death. They came in and asked for my approval on whatever it was that you guys came up with, of course it would have some drawbacks as Ms. Carnballer said but I wanted to go through with it just as much as you-"

" you did ?"

Harry frowned, taking draco's hands in his own " draco, it's not my choice to die. But if i were given one, I'd never want to die and leave you. There no you without me, nor me without you. Of course the amnesia idea was Mine to scare you. Hermione called it dumb "

" it was dumb " Draco chuckled softly

" look at me draco " and he did

" I've never regretted anything in my life than these last few months because of the pain you've suffered because of me. Even if I were to die Draco, I- I don't know what Would've happened. I'm really sorry for everything-"

" hey, you don't have to apologise. Remember I promised to take you in sicknesses and in health. It doesn't matter harry whatever happens, I'd always take care of you. I just can't lose you. These last few months had been terrible and I never want to go through something like that ever again " draco smiled shyly as he kissed Harry's hands in his own.

" and he won't" a voice interjected behind them..

" ms. Carnballer ?" Draco turned slightly to get a good look of her

" you've fought valiantly harry. The cure that your husband and miss Granger came up with had Little to no side effects, which probably won't show up until very late in life "

" what sort of side effects ?" Draco asked

" you don't have to worry about the disease falling back in again. Side effects however may include slight pain for over a couple of months in the bones and probably anemia, tiredness. You'll have a bit of fitness problem at some point in your life harry. You will have to look out for any illness for the next two years very carefully though. And that's about it "

Harry and Draco looked at each other in relief..

" we did it then ?" Draco smiled

" you did it " harry diligently said

" you've officially fought death, hm, let me see my record, 6 times. That should go in the Guinness world book record " Ron joked as they walked in after that

And the room again filled with laughter.

In the end some fights are worth fighting for.

It is my immense regret for being so incredibly late at delivering the request this late for the inability to probably provide what you expected. Also regretful for not being able to do a stand alone prompt. (Also plaganeisis is no disease). Happy reading. I tried my best.

Requests open

Day 44- how to get away with murder| Day 46- old habits

[queeenpersephone]

14. A kiss so desperate that the two wind around each other, refusing to let go until they are finished. Ironwidow, please?

so this kiss is a different kind of desperation than you might’ve been thinking of but trust me, it’s desperate lol. (also the ‘keep going’ line is stolen from the x files!)

anyway, here you go anon!

timeline: post endgame. tony and nat are alive. very very slight wandavision spoilers. just in terms of how wanda gets vision back. 

Natasha unlocks the door to her room, shoulders relaxing only slightly at the familiar darkness of an outdated motel, though its emptiness is unfamiliar. For the past three months, she has been on the run, but that isn’t the unusual part. No, the unusual part is that she is not on the run alone. Three months ago, mere weeks after they put Thanos down for good, Wanda had asked her to go for a drive. They had left in silence; there hadn’t been anyone to tell. The Compound had been quiet since the final battle, everyone’s minds on the sacrifices that had been made. Peter Quill, who none of them knew very well, had sacrificed himself to kill Thanos, bringing an end that was years overdue.

But no Avenger’s mind spent much time on Quill. Not when Clint had vaulted over a cliff to earn the Soul Stone.

The months are especially bad for Tony and Natasha.  Natasha, of course, is flooded with guilt whenever she thinks of Clint’s family, of the way he had begged her to let him go. He saved her from the KGB all those years ago, watched her back for decades. Now, he has saved her once again, at the expense of his own life.

Tony’s guilt is different. As much as he loves Clint, who has been a brother-in-arms to him, Natasha’s presence is such a relief that he can’t help but be grateful that Clint is the faster runner. And the worst part of it is: Natasha knows that. Every time Natasha looks into his eyes, she sees that relief, and it’s unbearable. He can’t bear to say anything to her directly, terrified of making things worse than they already are. They haven’t slept in the same bed since the battle, but at least they are under the same roof. At least she still wears her wedding ring.

Tony wakes up every morning, scared to death that he will find that ring on his bedside table and Natasha herself, gone.

Natasha knows all this too.

Which is why, when Wanda explains that she wants to find Vision’s body and give him the burial he deserves, Natasha takes the selfish opportunity to dive back into the spy world as they attempt to work out which of the shady government agencies is holding him.

This evening, they’ve made a break - an agency called SWORD had one scientist whose sister had been saved in 2012 by the Hulk. When they had contacted him, he had told them where Vision’s body is being stored. Tomorrow, they are going to get him back.

In celebration, Natasha gets them separate motel rooms. After checking on Wanda, who is deep into an old Sabrina the Teenage Witch program, she retreats to her own room.

The darkness feels a little oppressive, searching, even though she’s already checked high and low for listening devices or cameras. Still, Natasha keeps her gun tucked into her waistband as she moves to undress, her fingers finding the hem of her shirt and lifting it.

“Keep going, Agent Romanoff.”

Natasha recognizes that voice, she knows that voice, sultry and dark and oh, she knows he’s angry too, but her reflex to turn a gun on him is natural and swift. Sure enough, over the barrel, she sees Tony Stark, sunk deeply into the armchair in the corner of the room. He must’ve come in when she went to check on Wanda. “What are you doing here?” She asks, eyes narrowed. She puts down her gun, tucking it back into her jeans.

“What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here? Nat, what is this?” He demands, standing. There is a fire burning in his gaze.

Natasha refuses to take a step back. He has another thing coming if he thinks she’s not going to stand her ground. “Wanda and I are tracking something down. It doesn’t concern you.”

He scoffs. “Would that something be Vision?” Her silence speaks for itself. “Wanda is my teammate, my friend. Vision was my creation, also my friend.” The air between them crackles with tension as he takes a step toward her, hands clearly clenching in his pockets. “And you, Natasha. You are my wife. Remember that? You vowed to love me, to stay by my side, to trust me.” She blinks slowly; the desperation on his face is painfully obvious, and she just wants a mere second or two of darkness. “But you can barely look at me,” he calls her out, eyes narrowed.

Part of her wants to hurt him. Part of her wants to be honest. She knows how to accomplish both. “Clint is dead,” she retorts, her voice breaking on the last word. Tony and Clint are the only people she has ever broken down in front of, but never completely. Never like the way she wants to now. “He’s dead, and I’m back, and you’re glad, Tony. You’re happy.”

Tony shakes his head, removing his hands from his pockets and holding them out to her ever so slightly. Still, she does not move closer. “You think I’m happy Clint isn’t with us?” He asks, swallowing hard. “I wish he was here every day. But you’re the most important thing in this universe to me. It’s you I can’t live without. ” He sighs, searching her face for some indication that he’s saying the right thing. “If I could make it different, if we could change it… if I could throw myself off that cliff to make you happy, I would do it.”

Those words suck up all the oxygen from the room. Neither of them breathe at the brutality of his honesty; Tony himself goes pale. Natasha looks horrified, eyes glistening. “That’s not what I want.” She can hardly get the words out fast enough. “Don’t put those words in my mouth.”  

He is close to tears himself. “Then what do you want?” He demands, voice cracking. “Tell me, and if it’s in my power, I’ll give it to you.”

She stops. Thinks. What she wants is Clint back. She wants Thor and Steve and Bruce and the others to have no more nightmares, to find happiness, to find peace. She wants to bury Vision’s body for Wanda, who has suffered immense loss. She wants to live in another time, another universe, where she is never a spy and Tony never the Merchant of Death, where someone else saves the world because their only responsibility is to each other.

But none of that is possible. None of that would close the distance between her husband and her in this moment, which is what she wants more than anything else.

Oh.

“Will you hold me?” She whispers, and the fire in Tony’s eyes fades into something else, something achingly tender.

“Of course,” he murmurs, striding forward and pulling her into his body.

Without heels, she fits comfortably under his chin, and they press together at every point. The angry words between them are still there, but they are softened by the embrace. But this isn’t enough. Natasha pulls back, ignoring his grunt of displeasure, before circling her hands behind his neck and pulling his mouth to hers.

It’s soft, gentle for a mere moment. But they’ve been apart for too long, and in seconds his tongue is in her mouth and her leg is hitched around his hip as she guides them so he presses her against the wall. It’s wet and hard and she thinks she might be crying, that he might be crying, but she focuses on the way his hands feel on her thigh and her neck. Hot. Stifling. Like he’s going to leave bruises, but the marks are tangential to the way he wants to dig his way inside of her and never come out. She knows, because she feels it too.

Her nails scrape at the nape of his neck, her other hand cupping his cheek and guiding his movement. His hand moves to her ass, and he hitches her up, kissing her all the while. She knows he loves it when her legs are wrapped around him, always ready with a joke about how quickly she could squeeze the life out of him if she wanted. Things that would intimidate most intimate partners excite her husband; it’s just one of the many things she loves about him.

“I love you,” he murmurs against her mouth, licking his way back inside before she can respond.

He moves to the bed, sitting back with her on his lap. The movement separates their faces for a moment, and she hurries to say: “I shouldn’t have left.”

He looks up at her. “No,” he says, dark eyes both solemn and gentle, pulling her back down so he can whisper the rest against her mouth. The separation of a few inches is too much after everything. He could die happy if she were pressed up against him for the rest of his days. “But we’ve been separated by so much, Nat. Circumstances, time, ourselves. And we always come back together.” He lays back, bringing her with him. She kisses him then, gentle and chaste and so wrapped around him that there is no air or light or dark between them.

“I love you,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry.”

He runs his fingers through her hair, bringing her forehead to his. “I’m sorry,” he replies. “I’ve avoided talking about Clint because I thought it would hurt you more. But I was wrong.” He pauses. “Can we just…?”

She smiles. “We can,” she tells him, moving so that she’s tucked into his side, still twined together. They exchange soft kisses in the darkness.

Tomorrow, they will help Wanda find peace.

Tonight, they will find peace in each other.

[godkilller]

@shirenui144

A more sombre question, but had me wondering... Has Gin ever cried / what would it take to make him cry? I imagine it would be verse dependent, but could a man this guarded ever visibly show such emotional hurt?

          out of character.  Why must you hurt me.

          But it’s an excellent question, and as you say too -- Gin has become such a guarded, numbed, and twisted man. He has, for lack of better wording, killed off that part of himself long ago. He is also one of the topmost guarded characters in Bleach, even Ichigo’s little trick of ‘reading his opponent’s heart’ during battle did not work on Gin. Gin was empty. Gin wasn’t even ‘looking at Ichigo’ with his heart when fighting. They did not reach each other. Gin is so utterly closed off from others and himself that there’s an eerie absence of self present in him, a swallowing abyss, intimidating and oppressive. Gin has also spent his entire existence isolated, he joined Aizen extremely young and thus his centuries-long otherness began. He cannot show emotions akin to Toshiro, who is often used in ways alongside Gin to show what happens if one shows emotions and weakness to Aizen Sousuke via childhood friends. Renji and Rukia, too, are used in ways that contrast Gin and Rangiku subtly in the background. Gin’s interactions with Rukia about Renji, and his interactions with Toshiro about Momo are to make Gin more of an other. He is removed, unlike them.

          So Gin does not despair openly like they do. He doesn’t shout or cry for the audience to see. He’s a villainous cold-hearted bastard.

          This is on top of the potent sense of cultural toxic masculinity and military way of avoiding / “dealing with” emotionally charged moments, not speaking of trauma, and the whole nine yards of suppression which channels into self-worth issues and a tendency for violence. Most characters in Bleach, and especially male characters, aren’t allowed to really stop and think about what they’re feeling, doing -- Ichigo being able to do a decent amount of that, yes, with his protagonist badge, but even then ?  It’s pathetically insufficient, barely a taste of what Ichigo actually should be experiencing, and no other characters are allowed to mourn losses or suffer long-lasting consequences for their actions, for injuries, for mistakes, for harmful words or acts. It’s an action / fighting series, the audience is here for big flashy swordfights and cool abilities, not emotions. Certainly not darker topics of PTSD and the like.

          You can slice it any which way, but Gin grew up as a child soldier. It can be contrasted by the fact that the majority of the Gotei 13 / Shinigami characters are shown, in flashbacks, as entering the Academy whilst in adulthood, becoming Shinigami once adults, with the exception of people like Toshiro, Momo, Hiyori, who all look / are perpetually young.

          Gin is a little older than Toshiro, for context, by the way -- and he is younger than Byakuya. Because Tite doesn’t know how the ages of his own characters work, it can be argued that Gin and Hiyori are possibly within the same ballpark in terms of ages. But like. Look at her. What the fuck. ANYWAYS, the point is ?  Gin’s young, and his trauma is fairly fresh. From the Winter War -- and then 110 years into the past to the Turn Back the Pendulum arc -- Gin spends the majority of his childhood either playing caretaker for Rangiku, who is actually a little older than him, and then killing; first, the three Shinigami that attacked Rangiku, then the Third Seat of the Fifth Division, and then many more likely during his career of observing failed projects at Aizen’s side, witnessing horrific Hollowification experimentations, and many more things. The crucial period of development for things like higher level empathy  ( Gin showcases it by sharing his food with Rangiku, a stranger, and then we see the absolute absence of it from then on )  and Gin swiftly enters into the midst of Erikson’s industry vs. inferiority stage of development; what does he have to offer the world ?  What can he become ?  Will he be good enough ?  This is the stage in which Gin makes the connection as well as makes peace with becoming a monster; this is what I’m offering, this is what I’m becoming, this will be good enough.

          He flipped a switch. It’s questionable whether or not Gin has the ability to cry once he’s an established Third Seat. It’s gone, it’s been swallowed down a hole so deep and dark Gin doesn’t want to go searching for it. He doesn’t want to cry. Gin already has a negative connotation connected to crying given his quote “I’m gonna become a Shinigami, change things for ya, so that you don’t have to cry anymore, Rangiku.” Not crying = good. Not crying means better. Rangiku crying over what was done to her was what embedded into Gin that he needed to be stronger. No crying allowed. None. In his mind, obviously, Gin doesn’t actually make that connection that ‘because Rangiku did this, I’ll do this’ no, he’s not so meticulously aware yet, but there’s certainly an imprint left on him from those earlier years in the Rukongai, dreading her tears, hating them, hating those men, and so crying = murderous intent. Crying = anger.

          If Gin cried as a child, he didn’t realize he was doing so. I can see him crying in his sleep from a dream, a nightmare, a jam-packed series of emotions hitting him whilst vulnerable, whilst unable to smile and swallow it all down. I can see him waking from it and wiping at his face, feeling utter detachment like an ache in his chest, an otherness, like that wasn’t even him crying, that wasn’t him. Gin wouldn’t think more of it, he wouldn’t dare linger on the thoughts. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.mp4 and all that jazz.

          Gin is more likely to lash out in anger than let himself cry. I have a headcanon / drabble somewhere of Gin screaming into his inner world, clutching at his hair, feeling so terribly close to crying but he can’t, it literally will not happen. He’s too bottled up and frustrated from that that when he actually has an opportunity to cry and it doesn’t naturally happen because he’s become so suppressed, it just outright angers him. Because he has latched everything up, lock and key, by the time Gin’s an adult -- if he were to cry as an adult, it’d be during a flurry of explosive emotions. He cannot just casually let loose, no, that door’s jammed shut, it’s been coiled tight in him. A pit of despair by the time the Winter War rolls by. Gin admits to feeling anxiety, dread, during that conflict -- a sign of slowly coming undone, no longer able to keep himself from hesitance, doubt, insecurity, and anticipation hovering around him like a dark cloud. Gin cannot cry, though, not now. Not when he’s so close to making all the pain worth something...

          So it’s no surprise that Gin really only starts getting the actual opening to properly cry in my canon divergent verses. But the catch !!!!  Gin has failed so thoroughly and so brutally that he feels he doesn’t deserve to weep about it. That this is merely a fraction of the karma he deserves. He experiences suicidal ideation, daydreaming of how it’d simply be easier if he hadn’t survived at all. He feels too hollow to cry, then, at the start. He feels too heavy, too much, it’s too much to cry about. He ruined himself and Rangiku for nothing. He did all of this for nothing. And now Rangiku wants answers, still waiting, watching him, and he can’t cry in front of her. IT’S STILL INGRAINED IN HIM FROM CHILDHOOD: she’s the one who cries and he’s the one who comforts. The audacity of him to cry in front of her after everything he put her through, as though he were the victim and her the one needing to comfort him. Gin may be morally gray, but at times he truly sees the world in black and white. No moderation, no give and take.

          It’d hit him later, when he’s learning to become more vulnerable. When he’s trying to open up to Rangiku about something he has to rip from himself, his heart holding onto this sorrow for so long Gin has to surgically remove the truth from himself. AS A CHILD, WITNESSING WHAT HAPPENED TO RANGIKU COUNTS AS A TRAUMATIC EVENT. Not talking about it for 110+ years does a number or two on you when you at last, FINALLY, tell her the fucking scoop. Gin repressed what happened to Rangiku because he recognized that Rangiku did not fully and properly remember, recollect, what happened to her. He knew. Gin saw.

          Compartmentalizing her trauma on top of his own, as though a keeper of it, a sin-eater, Gin would feel absolute despairing relief at finally telling her. Despairing because he’ll be inflicting upon her something he’s been holding back, holding that door shut, for the entirety of their knowing of one another, and to finally let go of the door and let that beast of trauma go charging at her undeterred ?  There’s immense guilt attached to this entire affair. Gin feels childlike guilt; why her, and not me ?  I wish it could’ve been me, we could’ve traded places and I’d be fine, I’d live, we could live happy together.  Akin to survivor’s guilt, Gin wishes those men had found him and taken a piece of his soul rather than Rangiku’s. The ‘why’ of it haunts him. Why her. Why didn’t I stop them. Why didn’t I show up sooner. I could’ve bitten at them, kicked and hit, we could have escaped together -- or at least you could have. Gin also feels guilt at a base adult level: why am I keeping this from her ? No, it’s too late to tell her, she’s happier now, there will never be a good time to tell her.

          There are so many things, feelings, thoughts, that Gin has never shared with Rangiku due to it all being tied to the unspoken secret he’s let fester inside of him.

          SO WHEN GIN FINALLY TELLS RANGIKU WHY HE JOINED AIZEN, WHY HE TRIED TO KILL AIZEN, WHY HE SAID THOSE WORDS TO HER DURING THAT BLIZZARD AND BECAME A SHINIGAMI ... GIN’S GOING TO BREAK DOWN.

          The truth is tied to vulnerability in Gin’s mind. Telling it means ripping himself apart at the seams. Everything he crafted himself out to be was made around this secret. It’s going to be bloody, it’s going to hit him like a fucking train. Gin’s going to feel it coming, rumbling on the tracks, he’ll hear it even, that approaching storm, he’ll know by the prickle at his eyes and the closing of his throat, but still nothing’s ever prepared him for the absolute choked finality of the truth, and he’s going to do his best to hold it back -- it’s instinctive, it’s in his blood by now to mask it, stop it, divert and drawl his way out of it. But this time he can’t just stop halfway and distract her, talk about something else. No, Gin’s cornered himself and it’s high time Rangiku got the truth from him, he can’t run away any more. He’ll have to grit his teeth and talk through it, swallow it back just enough to speak, to tell her what he’s done to them both and for what, for why, it’s the worst possible conversation they could ever have, but one they need. And Gin’s going to find himself incapable of holding back a sob the more he discloses, the more that slips out and escapes him the more the emotions tied to that sunken anchor come up too. He will feel simultaneously lighter and heavier for it.

          There are numerous ways Gin’s thought about wording it. He’s thought about the numbed approach, MISSION REPORT style: Aizen Sousuke harvested souls from the 64th Rukongai District, they took a piece from you. Perhaps not, no, not like that. Maybe... back when y’were a kid, there were three Shinigami assigned to the 64th District to collect souls to fuel Aizen Sousuke’s Hogyoku. They took somethin’ from you. I saw it. I saw them hoverin’ over you, I saw it in their hands. I saw’em offer it up to Aizen in the forest, collectin’ firewood. I saw him.

          WHY DIDN’T I STOP HIM, WHY DIDN’T I ATTACK THOSE THREE MEN THEN AND THERE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH YOUR COLLAPSED FORM A FEW FEET AWAY, MAYBE I COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM ON AFTER ALL. I COULD HAVE CRUSHED A SKULL IN WITH STONE, I COULD’VE STOLEN HIS SWORD BEFORE THE LIFE FULLY FADED FROM HIM AND MADE IT VANISH, I COULD’VE CARVED THROUGH THE SECOND, SLICE THE TENDON AT THE THIRD’S ANKLE AS HE ATTEMPTED TO FLEE, WARN OTHERS. SLIT HIS THROAT AS HE CRAWLED AWAY. YOU’D HEAR IT, OFF TO THE SIDE. YOU’D SEE ME COME UP TO YOU WITH BLOOD SPLATTERS. YOU’D SEE ME LEAN OVER YOU WITH NOT A PERSIMMON OFFERED, NO, YOUR OWN FUCKING SOUL THEY PLUCKED FROM YOU. SHAKY HAND. BLOODIED HAND. TAKE IT, TAKE IT BACK. I FIXED IT --

          Just tell her. JUST TELL HER.

          DO YOU REMEMBER THE DAY WE MET, RANGIKU ... ?

[intheshadowofsignificance]

The Handmaid’s Tale is stretching my suspension of disbelief to the limit. Spoilers for season 4 below. It’s a wall of text so please be warned.

I can’t insert a cut on mobile so have some space to speed scroll away if you don’t want spoilers.

[[MORE]]

I realize the sheer implausibility of a lot of fiction is what makes it great. I respect the ability of writers to avoid pressure from fans to make everything perfect or explainable. That said, there comes a point where too much plot immunity starts to breakdown the fabric of the story. That’s what’s happening here.

First of all, is it just me or has Gilead gotten immensely soft in season four? I was physically uncomfortable throughout June’s capture scenes because I kept expecting things to get real gory real fast. I’m not complaining about the lack of it, and I understand especially after the recent episode that there are things which impact June much deeper than some of the physical torture ever could, but we are talking about a society who cut out Janine’s eye to make an example of her for talking back. A society that genitally mutilated Emily for being gay. June has lost Gilead several Marthas who will confess everything they know, dozens of their “precious children,” and she gets...waterboarded.

This woman has proven she’ll run away at the first opportunity and inspire a resistance wherever she goes. You’re telling me Gilead really wouldn’t get to a point where they cut off her feet? Burn them until they’re unrecognizable?

Another recurring theme that’s starting to show some wear is the whole “we can’t kill handmaids because they’re a scarce resource” followed almost immediately by killing them. I understand the train couldn’t have been stopped, but for the driver of the bus to start shooting to kill right off? Either handmaids are expendable when they become criminals or they aren’t. Side note: They made it way too easy for the handmaids to run, I’m going to give that somewhat of a pass because maybe Nick had a hand in it. Who can say? But I’m pretty sure I remember Emily being handcuffed at the wrists and ankles on her way to the colonies. They would’ve at the very least done that for fugitives who have run multiple times and resulted in the loss of children, aka leveraging power, and the deaths of countless commanders to this point.

Speaking of Nick, I’m pretty convinced we’re going to find out he’s leading his own secret sect of rebellion among officers headed for “the front.” The guy has, like June, gotten an excessive amount of plot immunity to this point to not have people acting as double agents with him. That kiss in clear view of the bus? You can hide a lot, but being that boldly involved with a traitor in front of witnesses, even if it had just been Lydia? Weird. Now maybe because he’s a man and a trusted one, Lydia’s word wouldn’t stand a chance against his. But there have clearly been rumors that Nick and June are romantically involved. It’s hinted at by other characters all the time and I assume is part of the reason he’s always hanging around when June is dragged back to Gilead. That’s the kind of thing that should, realistically, in a society as strict as this, put him on the wall. At some point Gilead has to be past the point of “making them wish for death is worse than death itself” because someone, somewhere is smart enough to know that, that ideology is going to be what causes them to crumble.

Another thing that’s bothering me: the accommodations of the Waterford’s as war criminals. I can overlook this because their scenes really are interesting and I’m invested in them as characters and in their inevitable comeuppance. However, Serena’s referenced involvement with Nicole or even the idea of her having any hope of it if she can convince a jury she was abused/manipulated/brainwashed is absurd. It has always been absurd that she had access to Nicole in Canada, but now that they have 86 other stolen children, even more so. Obviously they’re not going to send kids back to Gilead even if they’re the product of rape and one biological parent still resides there. They’re shown trying to place those with no relatives in Canada into the foster care system. So WHY are we even entertaining Serena having access to Nicole? This above so much else is implausible to the point of being ridiculous. Fred acknowledges Nicole is no more Serena’s than his. And I can’t help thinking they threw her pregnancy at us to help aid in Serena letting that obsession go. Because seriously there is no way to explain letting that woman be involved with June’s daughter in any way.

Aside from plot immunity, one thing that seriously hurts THT’s credibility is the lack of any sense of time passing. Nick repeatedly references going to the front but it hasn’t happened. If this was really Gilead’s doing would they waste time, and exactly how much has passed since the threat until the actual follow through?

Same way with June’s infected gunshot wound going from oozing pus and not really responding to minimal holistic treatment, to healed enough she can hoist Janine out of a train car.

There’s so much this series does right. The fabric of society is so deeply harrowing and tragic, the characters well rounded and engaging. I love the theme of June’s humanity being rooted so deeply in her maternal love for Hannah and the sense of protection she feels for the teens/kids suffering in Gilead as they are brutalized by grown men. I love that Fred sees through Serena and that they’re both so narcissistic and manipulative and unsettling to the core. I love that the writers know a lot of that existed before Gilead and that they’re both responsible for the way they’ve become as individuals and a couple.

I love that Moira acknowledges her actions are paved in guilt because she’s free and June is suffering. I love that the show doesn’t forget to acknowledge how many people are suffering for June’s choices in such complex ways, and that the alternative to that suffering is compliance or resignation, which is just going to breed more suffering. I love that we see Luke grappling with June’s choices and where they’ve left him too. I love that no one is really made to be a martyr. Deep down, there’s a piece of them all still wondering: what about me? Don’t I matter? Am I going to be okay? And no one really knows.

Having seen THT is renewed not just for the current season, but a fifth, makes me feel like they’re going to push the series to the absolute limit of believability and ruin what had been, despite questionable moments, an amazing run. I really don’t know how much more they’re going to be able to avoid maiming June, killing Nick and Lydia, and a hundred other things. We’ll see.

One of the big spoilers of the trailer was June getting to safety this season, no doubt during the last episode so they can rope us into season 5 where I am praying Hannah hasn’t “reached maturity” yet.

[hamliet]

Am I My Brother’s Keeper?: Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng

Or, how the two most virulent Wen-haters in the story tragically mirror each other in far more ways than just their issues with the Wens. 

I’ve written about MDZS’s use of character trios as a narrative structure before (here and here). In this meta I’m going to talk about the main three and the Venerated Triad. I’ve also written before about how Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao’s relationship (however you interpret it) parallels Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s, with Lan Xichen as a strong Lan Wangji foil (fitting, as they are the “Twin Jades”), and Jin Guangyao as a strong Wei Wuxian foil (as Wei Wuxian himself acknowledges in the story’s final chapter). So let’s talk about the third member of these trios: Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng, who also closely foil each other... in particular, through their respective relationships with Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian. 

But wait, you say. Jin Guangyao killed Nie Mingjue, which parallels Jiang Cheng killing Wei Wuxian!

True. There are some parallels between Jiang Cheng and Jin Guangyao (such as JC killing WWX to avenge JYL, even though she wouldn’t have wanted that, and JGY doing it when NMJ hurts NHS, even though NHS adored NMJ), as well as between Chengxian and Xiyao, but this is not a meta about those specifically. 

Nie Mingjue tried to kill Jin Guangyao in life (twice), and actually does do so in the end, and Jiang Cheng helped kill Wei Wuxian even if he did not do it directly. The reason both Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng were able to treat their brothers like this was because of their immense privilege, the privilege neither acknowledge until it is time to weaponize it. In those moments, both chose not to empathize but to see their brothers as an “other” instead of as someone they loved (and I do think both Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng loved Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian in a realistic, flawed way). In the otherizing of their brothers, both Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng put on robes displaying society’s flaws as blatantly as Sect Leader Yao does, but with a lot more humanity than the flat, static Sect Leader Yao. Thus, MXTX tells us we cannot even “other” society as a whole. 

If this sounds like I’m hating on either character, I’m really not intending to. They’re great characters and I enjoy both of them (Jiang Cheng’s one of my very favorites), but they’re flawed, and in fact that’s the whole reason I like them. But I do admit this essay will be scathing to an extent; just know it doesn’t touch on my whole opinion of their characters, and isn’t meant to excuse Wei Wuxian (who had a savior complex) and Jin Guangyao (who sought society’s approval to his own doom); I’ve just previously excoriated those two.

I. Defining Justice as Trauma 

Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng both lost their fathers to Wen Ruohan (as did the Lan brothers), and both vowed to wipe out the Wens as a result. However, both of them fail to think about the Wens as people, and wind up, well, becoming eerily similar to the worst Wens.

Jiang Cheng has lived through the pain of losing everything (status, family, home) and he not only refuses compassion for the two Wens who saved him so that he could fight to get those things back, but inflicts the same traumas on them. In fact, Jiang Cheng’s reaction to Wen Qing’s predicament post-Sunshot campaign is paralleled explicitly with Nie Mingjue’s:

Jiang Cheng’s brows were knitted. He rubbed the vein that throbbed at his temple and soundlessly took in a deep breath, “… I apologize to all of the Sect Leaders. Everyone, I’m afraid you don’t know that the Wen cultivator whom Wei WuXian wanted to save was called Wen Ning. We owe him and his sister Wen Qing gratitude for what happened during the Sunshot Campaign.”

Nie MingJue, “You owe them gratitude? Isn’t the QishanWen Sect the ones who caused the YunmengJiang Sect’s annihilation?”

...

Lan XiChen responded a moment later, “I have heard of Wen Qing’s name a few of times. I do not remember her having participated in any of the Sunshot Campaign’s crimes.”

Nie MingJue, “But she’s never stopped them either.”

Lan XiChen, “Wen Qing was one of Wen RuoHan’s most trusted people. How could she have stopped them?”

Nie MingJue spoke coldly, “If she responded with only silence and not opposition when the Wen Sect was causing mayhem, it’s the same as indifference. She shouldn’t have been so disillusioned as to hope that she could be treated with respect when the Wen Sect was doing evil and be unwilling to suffer the consequences and pay the price when the Wen Sect was wiped out.”

Lan XiChen knew that because of what happened to his father, Nie MingJue abhorred Wen-dogs more than anything, especially with how intolerable he was toward evil. Lan XiChen didn’t say anything else.

There’s a lot of irony in this. Wen Qing didn’t speak up because she wanted to protect her little brother--something Nie Mingjue should have been able to relate to, considering he sent Huaisang to safety in the Cloud Recesses during the war. Also, I mean, Nie Mingjue, you didn’t exactly rise up against Wen Ruohan until you knew you had the forces to win. He likely spent several years in begrudging deference to him, even sending Nie Huaisang along as tribute when Wen Chao demanded it. Jiang Cheng starts to do the right thing in this scene  by speaking honestly about Wen Qing, but then Nie Mingjue reminds him of society and propriety, and Jiang Cheng  backs down, crushed under society again. Both of them commit sins of omission, in that they stand back and allow society to belittle and vilify people.

The “sins of omission” is a motif that continues in both Nie Mingjue’s and Jiang Cheng’s arcs. For example, Jiang Cheng stood by to let Mianmian be brutally killed in the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter, and even stood by to let Lan Wangji and Jin Zixuan die too as they protected her. He goes on to blame Wei Wuxian for the deaths of his family because of Wei Wuxian saving them. Nie Mingjue keeps the truth about the saber spirit from Nie Huaisang, and additionally, the very same conversation about Wen Qing referenced above, Nie Mingjue is directly stated to know Jin Guangyao is lying to help his father, and he says nothing at all even though Wei Wuxian’s life hung in the balance. (It then karmically backfires on Jin Guangyao).

Jin GuangYao came to save the day, exclaiming, “Really? That day, Young Master Wei busted into Koi Tower with such force. He said too many things, one more shocking than the next. Perhaps he said a few things that were along those lines. I can’t remember them either.”

... As soon as he heard it, Nie MingJue knew that he was fibbing on purpose, frowning slightly.

...

One of the sect leaders added, “...Excuse my bluntness, but he’s the son of a servant. How could the son of a servant be so arrogant?”

With him having brought up the ‘son of a servant’, naturally there’d be some who connected it to the ‘son of a prostitute’ standing in the hall. Jin GuangYao clearly noticed the unkind stares. 

While Nie Mingjue is quick to accuse Wen Qing for her inaction but languid with his own, this isn’t exactly unique. He also is quick to accuse Jin Guangyao of standing by as Jin Guangshan manipulates to acquit Xue Yang for his crimes against the Chang Clan. (I’m not defending Jin Guangshan or Jin Guangyao in this.) How dare they stand there and not argue for justice? 

In spite of Nie MingJue being a junior to Jin GuangShan, he conducted himself in a strict manner and refused to tolerate Xue Yang no matter what. With an angry lecture, Jin GuangShan was left with no words and a great deal of embarrassment. Nie MingJue, as the irritable person he was, unsheathed his saber on the spot with the intention of killing Xue Yang. Even when his sworn younger brother LianFang-Zun, Jin GuangYao, attempted to ease the situation, he ordered him to leave. After a harsh scolding, Jin GuangYao hid behind Lan XiChen, not daring to say anything else. In the end, the LanlingJin Sect could only give in.

But, Nie Mingjue never offers a critique of Jin Guangshan when Jin Guangshan lied to Nie Mingjue’s face about Meng Yao. He discovered that Jin Guangyao’s stepmother is routinely beating him, and Nie Mingjue does nothing. Even if his hands were tied, if he really cared about doing the right thing, why didn’t he intervene somehow, some way, for his brother? If he really cared about holding people responsible for their actions, about making sure justice was served above everything else, why is it that the only person he consistently holds accountable is Jin Guangyao?

Could it be that, much like society, what Nie Mingjue was angry about was not injustice, but actually his hurting self? His hurt pride, his hurt child self still reeling from the cruel way Wen Ruohan betrayed his father and left him to die an agonizing death?

Likewise, Jiang Cheng knows, when he leads the siege at the Burial Mounds against the Wens, that no Wen there is dangerous. They are all elderly or children, not soldiers. He knows even that his sister died saving Wei Wuxian’s life, but chooses to ignore her wishes to satiate his own anger and the inner child inside of him still crying in loneliness. No one had ever chosen Jiang Cheng: his mother viewed him as a disappointment, and his father preferred Wei Wuxian, but Wei Wuxian promised to stick by Jiang Cheng no matter what. When Wei Wuxian breaks this promise, Jiang Cheng never gets over this, and carries out revenge on him for choosing actual justice over staying close to Jiang Cheng (looking back, this adds a symbolic irony to Jiang Cheng refusing to intervene and save Lan Wangji and Jin Zixuan in the cave: they are both the people who will be his siblings’ spouses).

But the sad reality is, it’s a false dichotomy. Wei Wuxian did not choose the Wens over Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng, like society, chose society and conformity over Wei Wuxian.

I’ve said it before, but while Jin Guangyao isn’t correct that the siege on the Burial Mounds is “all” Jiang Cheng’s fault, he’s not wrong when he makes this point:

“But what you have to understand is that, for what happened to Young Master Wei in the end, you are responsible too and in fact, you are very much so. Why did so many people crusade against the YiLing Patriarch? Why did they shout their support, no matter if they were involved or not? Why was he one-sidedly condemned by so many? Was it really their sense of justice? Of course not. A part of the reason is you.”

...

“… Back then, the LanlingJin Sect, the QingheNie Sect, and the GusuLan Sect had already finished fighting over the biggest share. The rest could only get some small shrimps. You, on the other hand, had just rebuilt Lotus Pier and behind you was the YiLing Patriarch, Wei WuXian, the danger of whom was immeasurable. Do you think the other sects would like to see a young sect leader who was so advantaged? Luckily, you didn’t seem to be on good terms with your shixiong, and since everyone thought there was an opportunity, of course they’d add fuels to your fire if they could. No matter what, to weaken the YunmengJiang Sect was to strengthen themselves. Sect Leader Jiang, if only your attitude towards your shixiong was just a bit better, showing everyone that your bond was too strong to be broken for them to have a chance, or if you exhibited just a bit more tolerance after what happened, things wouldn’t have become what they were. Oh, speaking of it, you were also a main force of the siege at Burial Mound…”

II. Privilege 

The main villain of all of MXTX’s novels is privilege (I’ve touched on this here and here and here). Unfortunately, both Jiang Cheng and Nie Mingjue are heavily infected with it, and it’s partially why they treat others as they do. 

Jiang Cheng speaks negatively of Mianmian in chapter 56, noting that she’s probably just the daughter of a servant. When Wei Wuxian challenges this by pointing out he is also the son of a servant, Jiang Cheng expresses that Wei Wuxian is somehow different (and to be fair, he is indeed treated with more respect because of Jiang Fengmian’s background with Wei Wuxian’s mother), but the implication is also classist. Ironically, again, when Jiang Cheng will not speak up for Wei Wuxian or Wen Qing during that same conversation referenced earlier, Mianmian does; though Nie Mingjue expresses admiration of her for doing so, he does not do the same. 

Additionally, Jiang Cheng says the following about Jin Guangyao:

Wei WuXian, “Isn’t Jin GuangYao here now? Jin GuangYao seems so much better than him.”

Jiang Cheng... “So what, if he’s better? No matter how much better he is, no matter how clever, he could only be a servant who greets the guests. That’s all there is to his life. He can’t compare with Jin ZiXuan.”

This pretty much sums up how society treats Jin Guangyao, and Jiang Cheng doesn’t think to question it. Wei Wuxian, on the other hand, points to Jin Guangyao’s character, which at that point looked decent (even if... later... sigh). Additionally, it’s hard not to see this as a commentary on how people think Wei Wuxian should be acting. Even though Jiang Cheng is, er, wrong about how far Jin Guangyao can rise, he contrasts with Jin Guangyao in how Jin Guangyao builds the lookout towers to provide justice for the common people, while Jiang Cheng encourages Jin Ling’s initially snobbish behavior (leaving common people in traps).

Not only that, but Jiang Cheng routinely commits atrocities under his protection as a sect leader. He’s described as having whipped the flesh off the backs of people accused of demonic cultivation, and supposedly no one arrested for that survived his tortures (ironically, Wen Ruohan is also known for torture). As someone pointed out once, the people who would turn to demonic cultivation are likely those unable to form golden cores (Wei Wuxian), or those taken in as disciples too late/too untalented to do so (Mo Xuanyu); Xue Yang was also taken in late as a disciple, but is noted to be unusually talented. The interesting thing is that all three of these people are from impoverished, humble origins. Thus it’s very likely the people Jiang Cheng was arresting and torturing to death were not wealthy cultivators (not to mention other sects would complain if so), but common folk. 

As for Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangyao goes further than Wei Wuxian and directly attempts to challenge Nie Mingjue to acknowledge his privilege with brutal honesty on his own part, only for it to go... poorly.

Nie MingJue, “There’s no need for explanations. Come back to me with Xue Yang’s head in your hand.”

Jin GuangYao still wanted to speak, but Nie MingJue had already lost all patience, “Meng Yao, don’t speak such pretentious words in front of me. Your whole thing stopped working on me since a long time ago!”

Within a second, a few degrees of unease flashed over Jin GuangYao’s face, as though someone with an unmentionable illness was suddenly exposed in the public. There was nowhere for him to hide.

He spoke, “My whole thing? Which whole thing? Brother, you’ve always yelled at me for calculating people and being too dishonorable. You say that you’re a proud, righteous person, that you aren’t afraid of anything, that propen men shouldn’t need to play with schemes. That’s fine. Your background is noble and your cultivation is high. But what about me? Am I the same as you? First, my cultivation isn’t as firm as yours. Ever since I was born, has anyone taught me? And second, I have no prominent background. Do you think that I’m in a steady position, here at the LanlingJin Sect? Do you think that I can rise into power the moment Jin ZiXuan dies? Jin GuangShan would rather bring another illegitimate child back than want me to succeed him! You think that I should be afraid of nothing? Well I’m afraid of everything, even other people! He whose stomach is full believes not him who is starving.”

Nie MingJue replied coldly, “In the end, all you mean is that you don’t want to kill Xue Yang, that you don’t want your position at the LanlingJin Sect to waver.”

Jin GuangYao, “Of course I don’t!”

He looked up, unknown fires dancing within his eyes, “But, Brother, I have always wanted to ask you something—the lives under your hands are in any regard more than those under mine, so why is it that I only killed a few cultivators out of desperation and you keep on bringing it up, even until now?”

Nie MingJue was so enraged that he began to laugh, “Good! I’ll give you my answer. Countless souls who have fallen under my saber, but I’ve never killed out of my own desires, much less to climb up the ladder!”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, I understand what you mean. Are you saying that all of the people you killed deserved their deaths?”

With courage gathered from nowhere, he laughed and walked a few steps closer to Nie MingJue. His voice raised as well, asking in an almost aggressive manner, “Then, may I ask, just how do you decide if someone deserves death? Are your standards absolutely correct? If I kill one but save hundreds, would the good outweigh the bad, or would I still deserve death? To do great things, sacrifices must happen.”

Nie MingJue, “Then why don’t you sacrifice yourself? Are you any nobler than them? Are you any different from them?”

Jin GuangYao stared at him. A moment later, as though he had finally either decided on something or given up on something, he replied calmly, “Yes.”

He looked up. In his expression were some of pride, some of calmness, and some of a faint insanity, “I and they, of course we are different!”

Nie MingJue was infuriated by his words and his expression.

He raised his foot. Yet, Jin GuangYao neither avoided nor took defense. The kick landed right on him, and again he rolled like a pebble down Carp Tower.

Nie Mingjue, here, is being compared to two other people: the man who kicked Meng Yao down the stairs at a brothel as the man dragged Meng Shi outside naked to humiliate her, and with Jin Guangshan--the very person Nie Mingjue’s enraged with--by doing the same thing: kicking someone he views as lower than himself down the stairs. Instead of addressing the actual problem (Jin Guangshan), he finds a scapegoat. It’s not a good look. All three of these instances are linked with society standing by and allowing it to happen, with a few exceptions: Sisi intervenes with Meng Shi, and Lan Xichen intervenes to stop Nie Mingjue from killing Jin Guangyao. 

Nie Mingjue never had to kill to climb the ladder within his sect. He did have to kill to climb the ladder in the cultivational world--and he actually did so, through killing the Wens. Yes, I know Nie Mingjue killed the Wens because he wanted revenge for his father and protection for himself and his brother, but the problem is... that’s exactly what motivated Jin Guangyao: protection. Jin Guangyao just had more to fear than Nie Mingjue.

The irony of the above scene that Jin Guangyao knows killing is wrong, but it’s how to survive in this world, so he does it anyways. Nie Mingjue thinks the problem of someone thinking they are entitled to kill can be solved by killing the one who says such a thing, because he’s entitled to kill someone who thinks they’re entitled to kill-- You get the point.

That sad thing is that being shoved down the stairs doesn’t even end that scene. Nie Mingjue directly attempts to murder Jin Guangyao:

Just as Nie MingJue unsheathed his saber, Lan XiChen happened to leave the palace to see what was going on, concerned after having waited for long. Seeing the situation before him, he unsheathed Shuoyue as well, “What happened, this time?”

...

Nie MingJue, “... I know what I’m doing. He’s beyond hope. If these keeps on going, he’ll do the world harm for sure. The earlier he’s killed, the earlier we can relax!”

This does not at all justifying Jin Guangyao’s subsequent murder of him, but again, Jin Guangyao kills to protect himself, and he’s not without cause for fear of his life (this does not justify, because neither is Nie Mingjue entirely without cause, but people have gotta acknowledge that reality). 

III. Reasons to Kill

I often see Nie Mingjue held up as someone who judged people based on their actions and was countercultural in that he was willing to stand up to Jin Guangshan when Jin Guangshan wanted to acquit Xue Yang of slaughtering the Chang Clan. However, this is decidedly not the case. Nie Mingjue is very much acting within society’s principals here (calling someone else out is hardly unique or noble: see, Su She, Jin Zixun, etc.) Nie Mingjue stood up to Jin Guangshan then because the crime was so severe he knew he might actually be able to win; otherwise, he let Jin Guangshan do as he wished. 

To illustrate this, I’ll share the  piping hot tea a commentator spilled on one of my fics recently, because she says it perfectly:

She isn’t wrong. You can hold Xue Yang--and Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian, for that matter--responsible for their actions and also point out the hypocrisy of a society that holds to ideals of how people behave, yet is constantly making exceptions for themselves. Nie Mingjue does just this by demanding Xue Yang’s head as a price for not killing his own sworn brother. Jiang Cheng does just this by murdering the older, helpless Wens at the Burial Mounds, and turning his back on the Wens who saved Jiang Cheng’s own life.

Why do these characters kill?

Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng killed out of revenge to honor their families and save themselves.

Jin Guangyao killed to get his father to acknowledge him as his son, and then in revenge when he realized he never would, and to save himself.

Wei Wuxian killed out of revenge and then out of despair--really, revenge against the whole cultivational world that had set him up for failure no matter what he did.

Xue Yang killed out of revenge for his little finger.

What do all of these have in common? They reveal what each person prized.

Jiang Cheng and Nie Mingjue prized the honor of their culture and of society.

Wei Wuxian prized his loved ones.

Jin Guangyao prized himself as his father’s son, a sort of combination of JC/NMJ’s status love and WWX’s wanting to be loved.

Xue Yang prized his body.

Xue Yang seems condemnable on paper, but let’s look at this a little deeper: what else did Xue Yang have? Nie Mingjue inherited a sect and had his beloved little brother, men who would die for him, people who admired him. Wei Wuxian had his loved ones, and then they were gone. Jin Guangyao had his dead mother’s wish for him to be approved for by society, and a famous father. What exactly did Xue Yang have besides his own body? He didn’t have parents, as far as we know. What else was he to value? Why is Nie Mingjue venerated, and Xue Yang condemned? Why is Jiang Cheng allowed to torture the poor under him for so many years, just because they reminded him of his brother, and Xue Yang hunted down?

The only answer is privilege. It’s privilege that allows Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng to decide when and how they want to enforce justice, and if they do at all. It’s privilege that they had families to avenge. It’s privilege that enables them to commit atrocities and get second, third, fourth chances. It’s privilege of his birthright than enables Jiang Cheng to never once die in the novel (Nie Mingjue not so much). But when Nie Mingjue dies, he seeks revenge on his murderer, not justice. He kills countless others in his quest to kill Jin Guangyao, people who had nothing to do with his death, and he could have killed his own brother. Even when he succeeds he ends up battling Jin Guangyao in a coffin sealed for a hundred years--hardly a victory. 

So since we’ve brought him up, let’s talk Xue Yang and the Yi City trio now. The “judgy” member of the Yi City Trio is decidedly not privileged (A-Qing, as @thisworldgodonlyknows​ wrote about her, foils Nie Huaisang, but also she foils Nie Mingjue), and her character reveals these precise flaws in Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng. She is a beggar girl and a thief, but she seeks justice for Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan out of nothing more than love. She herself does not kill, and frankly I’d say she is the moral backbone of the series more than any other character (along with perhaps Mianmian). She was never a part of society, after all.

A-Qing dies young, alone by a river, mutilated. She has no privilege, but her spirit survives as a ghost solely because of her desire to ensure justice for Xiao Xingchen and for Song Lan. Her condemnation of Xue Yang is at first admittedly selfish--she was jealous--but then honestly understandable and easier to swallow, since she came from a similar background. But because of this, and because A-Qing is willing to empathize, she ends up understood and her wishes fulfilled. In the end, Song Lan leaves with the remains of her soul, determined to heal both her and Xiao Xingchen. 

As I wrote here, A-Qing is also faced with a dark version of herself in Xue Yang. Similarly, Jiang Cheng is faced with a dark version of himself in both Su She (jealous of Lan Wangji, jealous of Wei Wuxian; he calls out their arrogance) and in Jin Guangyao in the temple, and only then is he able to move forward and grow. Nie Mingjue, unfortunately, did not recognize the dark version of himself in Jin Guangyao, and ends up trapped with him.