#because if seeing someone else's art makes me this sad I'm not healthy enough to be on social media

[fruitysoupy]

orz

[ghoulsbian]

001 with Mutsaura for the ask thing?

heavy breathing

you got it!! i'm happy to answer this!! i never get to talk about them except for with my friend allan (@holyhounddog, follow him! he makes amazing art.)

HERE WE GO!! mutsaura:

- when i started shipping it: i started shipping it back when the :re chapters were still coming out, specifically when mucchan and sanny started to team up. i immediately fell in love with the pairing. it very quickly replaced mutsurie as my favorite mutsuki pairing and has remained as my number one. there's something so spicy about them that just piques my interest. toxic yaoi to healthy yaoi (in the epilogue). DELICIOUS.

- my thoughts: probably in my top five tokyo ghoul ships. not exactly sure where but yeah. they have so much going for them- size difference, mutual understanding of each other, making each other worse, going from toxic to healthy, etc. they're both really hot. they also stayed close with each other after the events of the final arc too and that makes me sooo happy. they really grew together and found wellness together.

- what makes me happy about them: i think that shinsanpei could offer mutsuki some sort of safety that no one else could. sanny is a man who accepted all of mutsuki, all of his faults and flaws and errors. he wasn't someone mutsuki had to hide even a portion of himself from. sanny accepted him at his craziest and unhealthiest, though sanchan was pretty crazy and unhealthy himself, and stayed with him as he got better too. i think they could be true soulmates. maybe they had a period of time where they thought it was only their craziness that brought them together, but they realized it was so much more than that.

- what makes me sad about them: i think that during their healing processes, there was a LOT of unraveling of the poor ways in which they treated each other during their dual insanity. it was a very emotional period of time for the both of them. i think that mutsuki also had to learn to love in a new way that wasn't pure obsession. i think he offered himself in that way to sanny but sanny downright refused, and it made mutsuki lash out cuz he felt unloved, but he came to understand shinsanpei's reasoning for doing so.

(i'm skipping over the fanfic questions bc i don't really read fanfic at all anymore, whoops)

- who i'd be comfortable with them ending up with if not each other: for mutsuki, definitely urie. though, i don't really see anyone else for sanchan. i know people ship him with touma but i feel indifferent towards that.

- my happily ever after for them: they ultimately leave anything related to ghouls and travel the world together. they end up with a cat that they carry around in one of those pet backpacks as they travel too. they end up living somewhere by the ocean, by a beach. they live a calm and unassuming life, not forgetting the people they used to be but forgiving themselves for it. they send postcards to the old quinx members and the kaneki family periodically too. AAGGHH!!

- who is the big/little spoon: i think mutsuki would feel emasculated for a bit if sanny tried to be the big spoon for him. so mutsuki was the big spoon at all times for a while. but mutsuki eventually caved, tentatively allowing sanny to be the big spoon. they agreed that if mutsuki felt too uncomfortable they would stop immediately. mutsuki was very tense at first, but slowly relaxed into shinsanpei's arms. it felt very nice for him. he'd never allowed anyone to hold him like that. he can't get enough afterwards. nowadays sanchan is the usual big spoon.

- what is their favorite non-sexual activity: bathing and showering together. mutsuki was very averse to the bathtub for a long time, because of his childhood trauma. he got extremely triggered and broke down the first time they tried the bathtub together, so they kind of worked up to it more gradually after that. it's now a fun activity they like doing a lot.

hope these are good :3

[messengerhermes]

You know, I've only had it a few times, but I feel like the closest I've ever felt to romantic attraction is when I'm making up worlds with someone else. I don't RP with people very often. But the times I have, and managed to do so at length always had such a power in my life. Writing creatively with other people feels a bit like saying, "I think you're clever enough to play God with" and when it's really good and you're matching up well together I feel like I'm flying through ideas with each exchange of a draft. The excitement of "oh you took us there! I love it. What will you do if I shift us this way?" the slight nerves of "oh will you like it? Did you like this? Are you as excited to see my posts to you as I am yours? I don't actually care where we end up when the story's over, I just know I'm having fun any which way we get there, because I'm with you." And that's what I feel like folks describe romantic attraction as. It's magnetizing and while it takes work to sustain, it didn't take work to fall into it, and it didn't feel scary either. So many of my abusive relationships didn't take work to get into either. No work except tricking myself that the woosh of fear and hunger for someone's approval was excitement to see them, to be chosen by them. As I probe the wounds from this latest round (unfortunately my longest bout with trouble yet) I find myself realizing how often I wasn't having any fun doing the dance of those partnerships, even when I was nailing it. I just felt frantic and sad and so desperate to please the other person. And that was a pretty bleak realization to have. I kept sifting through all the different relationships I've had trying to find a glimmer of hope that I had some sense of what healthy romantic love could be. Of what it felt like to find a river that you can flow with not one that tosses you ass over elbow in the rapids. And then I found writing, creating, play. The binders of drawings passed back and forth between my teenage besties and I. The memory of an AOL chat roleplay with another. Spitballing with a lover in the dark, laughing as we take our favorite characters and paint them with our own angle of light. There in every stroke of a pen that drives me wild, "You're brilliant." There in the beat afterwards when I can't contain the ideas flowing through me in response to you and I'm scribbling on the paper bag from my lunch, "What if it looked like this? That's such a good idea, I can't wait to show you!" There, in those relationships, I never pushed myself to improve my craft out of fear of failing to meet the other person's expectations. In those relationships, we'd bounce the ball of ideas back and forth, running up and down the court pulling trick shots. Everything was saturated by the perfect moment of playing after sunset as a kid. Knowing I had to go home soon and home wasn't so great, but right here, right now, I'm with you, and we are safe and that is wonderfully, beautifully enough. Creative relationships are that same haven. Life is scary and I am no longer scared to go home, but the world still yaws open with the wounds of hostile rules from a handful of vicious hateful people. But right here, I am with you, between the lines on the page and we are safe and that is wonderfully beautifully enough.

And the ways I push myself in those relationships, that stretch of muscle from new growth doesn't hurt, the effort is exciting because I feel the way my art becomes better in real time. My heart takes over with this urge of "you understand what I'm trying to get at with my art! You see me! I want you to see me more, more, more! Look what I can do! Let me see you, too! I want you to show me, I'm dying for it!" Because the thing about a creative relationship is, you can't keep your heart out of art. So when someone really gets your art, understands what you were trying to put out with your work and then can be in conversation with that? That's so phenomenally alluring. The heartsong of "you get me" woos me in art more than anywhere else. When someone gets me and then puts out art that sets recognition ringing in my head like windchimes? When I am desperately excited for them to share their creative work with me? I'm in love, then aren't I? If I can't wait to hear about your latest workshop ideas, If I want to see the smudged ballpoint sketches you doodled out on the nightstand at 3am If I don't even finish reading your post before my mind is singing with ideas of what to type back to you If you can show me some thing that you've made and I'm so over the moon with the beauty of it that I just have to kiss you If the pleasure that comes from you noticing a little detail in my work, one that I polished just to catch the beholders eye, rings sweeter from your lips than others What other thing could we call this, but love? Sure, I've never wanted a house with any of these people, or to marry them or do any of the other checklist things that would beget a romantic relationship, but how is it any less romantic to say, "I want to create with you, again and again and again and maybe kiss you sometimes, in between" just because that desire for me doesn't magically transform me into someone looking to be a spouse blouse? This is why I stay saying i'm aromantic, because it feels like the only acceptable form of romantic relationship is "you have to want to do date type things together, and eventual live together, and pledge the world to each other as lovers." I don't want to pledge this world to anyone else but myself. But I want to make worlds with other people. I want those to be gifts of devotion and a place that is "ours." But I don't want to compromise my life for lovers any more than I compromise it for my platonic friends.

[marshmallowprotection]

There are artists who draw Saeran muscular and with a marked abdomen and don't get me wrong their art is amazing and they make Saeran look sexy and strong, it's admirable, but haha personally I like to see him slim, I don't know. I already find him too attractive with his normal body and no washboard belly, I always picture him like that.I think Saeran thinks he's fine the way he is, he knows I love him that way, but if there are things he wants to change well if it makes him happy I support him

Saeran is canonically around 130lbs. He is drawn to be slender and small. He barely eats anything that can take care of his body, much less any of his other needs. He doesn't work out. He spends a lot of his time holed away in a dark room for hours on end where he can't get up unless it's absolutely necessary. If he moves when it's not, he is punished for it. His skin is white as a sheet and his eyes are ringed with purple bags that make no mistake in showing that he is nearly a walking zombie.

He's not able to take care of himself the way he wants. He is not muscular as we know him. As he gets more healthy and spends time in the garden that he wants, he's going to be able to work out little by little and get stronger, but he's never going to be as fit as someone as Zen unless he really takes the time to push it. He's not really worried about being that strong. He wants to be healthy, whatever that means for him. So, he wants to eat better and go on walks, but apart from that, he's not lifting weights.

You know, unless he is determined to carry you through the door of the household after you guys get your first house. He's a romantic, he will not be stopped. He will be strong enough to lift you. He will. He will not hesitate in that regard. But, for the most part, he's always going to be this slender guy who could eat a few more bites of his favorite meal as he heals from years of neglect.

I'm almost sad when I see people draw Saeran as a very muscular person because it seems to neglect that he's beautiful no matter what he looks like. It's an artistic choice, of course, but I don't really care for it. It's like how I'm sad whenever someone draws Saeyoung as a super ripped character when I know that no matter how strong he is written, he's got a little bit of tummy on him since he's been spending most of his time doing hacking missions instead of those life or death field ones. Which is perfectly valid and handsome for him.

The twins deserve to appreciate their bodies, no matter what it looks like. Whether they're squishy, skinny, or anything else. They've spent a long time struggling with that, and they deserve to know that they are beautiful no matter what. It would be fun to explore these themes but you hardly see people do it.

[athys-obelia]

summary: no one's evil au lmfaooo but make it pt. 2

character/s: anastacius de alger obelia, claude de alger obelia, athanasia de alger obelia, jennette de alger obelia

and here's part 1 <3

oh my god okay. okay. so.

ana, claude, athy and jennette - they go on a LOT of vacations

claude complains every single time but anastacius pulls his trump card and sends athy and jettie BOTH after him

u think he's strong enough to say no after that? lmao jokes

and their vacations always go this way:

jennette: isn't this scenery just gorgeous, uncle

claude: indeed it is. and...quiet

jennette: ...too quiet

[cut to anastacius in the distance, fighting a bear as athy cheers him on]

athy + anastacius, hands down the most chaotic pairing yes i will not be taking criticism

they have tea in ana's palace everyday, just the two of them, they're so poised and picture perfect through the entire thing everyone thinks it's just the emperor giving profound advice to his heir

it's actually them deadass scheming,,, ana has no qualms discussing everything from court gossip to military tactics, both of which she's so on top of all the time

if anyone shit talks jennette or claude, this tea party is where their slow and agonizing demise is planned out to the dot

[true story - count sivan once made the fatal mistake of expressing his favour for athy as the next empress, dissing jennette by comparing her to athy sm which inevitably sparked a debate that ranked the princesses. a week after athy's sources informed her of the kindling behind this new debate, the count's sudden divorce became the talk of the town, and the man's business faced bankruptcy all of a sudden. the sivans still haven't recovered.)

athy n jennette were actually allowed to visit kiel in arlanta a few times, except it was too dark at their first arrival, postponing the meeting to the next morning

buttt then jettie can't sleep and she decides on a midnight snack run (their hotel doesn't really have the maids the palace does, but oh well. she's left the palace w lucas n athy plenty of times)

felix tags along btw, he knows this trip is important to the girls since they're leaving the palace without their Overprotective Papas™ for the first time and want some sense of independence, but... she's just so smol n he couldn't bear it if anything happens so he just shadows her

she totally knows he's there

n e ways so there's a juice place right beside their hotel which she aims for, but when jennette reaches it, it's closed

and out of nowhere, a voice addresses her - "hey you, do you come here a lot?" she nearly jumps out of her skin at the brunette, relaxing when she sees he's literally a kid around her age and not a murderer lmfaoo "me neither," he continues without waiting for her, pouting at the closed sign, before he asks for her name and whether she's new in arlanta

she confirms that yes, she's only visiting, and refuses to tell the stranger her name, still feeling strange at being addressed as 'you' for the first time (well, minus lucas, but he was like her brother and had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon, so)

he eyes her. "you're so weird. i've never seen a girl out so late before, and alone too. are you stupid?"

(felix has his sword out at this point)

she's flushing now and has no idea why she's still out here, but then this stranger kid apparently senses her mood and tells her the best ice cream store in arlanta is not too far away

(he also explains he knows someone who's starts doing weird things when she's hungry as well, and tries to defend that ice cream is actually a healthy midnight snack, "you can just take a healthy flavour like strawberry or mango, mangos are healthy,,right"💀️💀)

so jettie has travelled all the way from obelia, she loves her papa but he would have a heart attack if he found out she was ever awake this late?? yeah bc she's never getting this chance again, jennette accepts the offer

the stranger boy seems to be taking the whole "i'm not telling you my name," thing like a joke, and asks what he should call her since 'you' was getting boring

she goes with "lady j" and like a knight, the boy becomes "sir c"

(felix is on the verge of committing a crime - the princesses can only have one knight, after all)

they walk as the the boy navigates the streets in the dark, and she asks whether he's from the academy, seeing his uniform

"of course i am! you could probably tell bc i look so smart, right?"

she snorts. "yeah, that."

she also comes to know that this guy,,,well he might as well be a tourist? she's out here asking stuff like "oh where's the statue of lady alphia?" or "aren't we really close to the museum where they keep the first emperor's sword?" and he goes "lady do i look like your brochure?? but if you turn right from here there's a cool arcade and across the street from there is the best street food vendor you'll ever eat from."

well at least mans had his priorities straight 😌

"so can you take this off?" he asks, pointing towards her dress once they've neared the store

um???????? sir tf????????????

anyways jettie has been living with lucas n her dad farr too long to not take this the wrong way?? "...no?"

the boy raises an eyebrow "look, it looks like an expensive cloak but i promise i'll return it, alright? i gotta hide my uniform."

ohhhhhhh. 😳.

so she unfastens the cloak and because he's kinda just staring at it cluelessly (he can't even tie his shoelaces fight me), jennette sighs and moves the clothing over his shoulder, fastening it in place at his neck

he's literally a tomato when she looks back up and realises that yes, we are way too close rn

bc she's ana's daughter, jennette by default cannot function when she's flustered. so she kinda stumbles backwards like a fish out of water (years of princess training n etiquette? where art thou??) and 'sir c' has to grab her forearm so she doesn't bump into the pillar behind her smfh

the shopkeep is definitely suspicious of this pair that's definitely too young to be out so late, but chalks it down to his sleeplessness

they escape the store with the ice cream before the shopkeep can ask any questions, and 'sir c' escorts jennette back to her hotel. he climbs onto the roof of the building, helping her up as well

(felix wishes he had a magic stone to capture this moment, this is the first time he's seen jennette become such fast friends with someone)

she stands on the roof (it hurts her butt so she doesn't wanna sit)

"my sister would be so jealous right now," jennette murmurs, "she told me her ideal first date would be either a picnic or something like a moonlit walk. we're having like a moonlit picnic."

it's silent for a few seconds the boy speaks up, "is this a date?"

oh-

oh.

"i mean- i didn't- i don't- uh."

give her some time lmfao she's loading

"i don't really mind that," he tells her, and she thinks she might just walk off the roof in her embarrassment - who just says something like that?? "you're probably feeling really lucky right now, right?"

jennette: ✊😔

he does look pretty in the moonlight, she admits to herself, listening as he excitedly tells her about his siblings at home and how she should send an offering to the gods since they gave her the good fortune to be on a date with the most good looking one of all four of them

in turn, she tells him about how she spent her childhood away from her amazing dad and had gotten closer to him recently, about her sharp-witted uncle, her sister and friends

(the 'friends' section includes felix and he's melting)

she smiles - it's almost as if, at finding out he treasures his family just as much as she does, they've gotten a bit closer

and he tries to listen. jennette had guessed that his temperament was somewhat like her dad's - her dad didn't know how to listen, always making his opinion known before anything else, though she supposes as emperor he could do that

'sir c', on the other hand, tried his best, his blue eyes focused on her as he almost burst from the unsaid words he was holding back, trying to let her finish. the sight was an odd mix of sad and insanely adorable that she couldn't help but let him tell her about everything he couldn't hold in

sensing she could pass out from her exhaustion nearly half an hour later, and 'sir c' escorts her to her window and helps her sneak in bc "what sort of knight would i be otherwise?!"

(felix can't stop shaking the entire night)

the next morning, jennette's heart is pounding as kiel shows her, athy and felix across campus - the chance is low, but still...

"ezekiel!" comes a voice, and the four watch as a turquoise haired boy waves down the alpheus heir "are these the guests you mentioned?"

kiel introduces the trio to johannes vastia before asking, "where's cabel?"

"at the training grounds, he asked if you could bring everyone there so he could show them around there."

"... they're my guests though?"

athy is quick to befriend johannes (i mean she and his sister are practically the same person, so) and at the grounds, jennette's blood runs cold

(so does felix's)

the brunette doesn't notice her at first, arguing with johannes about something as kiel introduces him as cabel ernst

jennette is hyperventilating?? actually back up is this girl even breathing??

cabel ernst from kiel's letters? the 'loud and obnoxious cabel ernst', who gradually turned into 'my acquaintance cabel ernst', then 'hardworking, passionate cabel ernst', and finally 'my friend cabel'?

she'd actually rather admired this slow build of respect between her friend and the ernst boy, and had even expressed her interest to meet him

"this is the first daughter of his highness prince claude de alger obelia, princess athanasia-" cabel mock salutes the princess before his mouth forms an 'o' and he remembers to bow, "-and here's the emperor's only daughter, her highness princess je-"

andddd his eyes widen comically "-hey, lady, it's you?"

yeah jettie is on the brink of literal death - her entire face reddens as this...cabel, grins at her

she watches as he glances behind her, "and you're the guy who was following us - sup?"

felix flinches "...you knew...?"

cabel shrugs. "i mean you do kinda suck ass at the whole subtle thing."

"don't say it like that," jennette retorts, "felix was trying his best."

"princess 😭😭 you knew as well?"

"uhhhh no?"

athy + kiel in a corner: 👁️👄👁️

they watch as cabel's eyes widen all of a sudden and he just,,,runs away

...🐦...🐦...🐦...

yeah well anyway he comes rushing back a few minutes later, a piece of cloth in his hand "...*huff* here *huff*...you go."

athy totally flips out "jennette is that your CLOAK???!??"

"uhhhhh no?"

"um do you realise uncle would literally wage war at this."

and as if it would make everything better,

"i washed it," cabel offers with a grin

"you didn't," the vastia heir deadpans

"i mean, johan helped a little bit."

kiel smiles murderously at the pair. "johan, did you know cabel took the princess out?"

"wait, you're a PRINCESS??"

your honour they aren't very smart

so the group orders some coffee (milk for cabel smfh) to find out what happened, cabel mentions "date" and everything goes to shit again lmfao

kiel and felix scheme against poor cabel while athy n johan get over that stage pretty quick ("listen. MY sister will be living with ME after the marriage and if your friend wants to be with her he'll have to come with us to obelia." and johan's just like "fine by me ✌️😊") and start planning the wedding

cabel + jennette dip n sneak out of the academy again to get the juice they couldn't the night before bc shit is getting awkward here

on another note, our uncle cius' musical intelligence is actually very high - he can probably play more instruments than i can name tbh, but he feels most comfortable singing and i shit you not, this man has straight up an angel's voice

(didn't like singing in front of others coz he was secretly a nerd and only knew old love songs with deep lyrics, athy found out and educated him)

jennette tends to have nightmares often, most often regarding their family - she's seen her father murder her uncle for the throne, and vice versa, athy admitting her affections towards jennette were a front to get the position of crown princess, her uncle killing her to solidify athy's claim, etc - her family is her everything, so despite however many times these horrible scenes play before her, she's left sobbing uncontrollably

and on these nights, she leaves for her father's room, who holds her close and sings her to sleep

also lucas n jennette are like sibling duo# 1,,, jettie is an active lucathy shipper even though he denies it sm - like their dynamic is just peaceful walks in the gardens as she watches the plants n lucas shi talks the nobility and kiel

claude and athy have a thing for each other's sleeping on each other? idk it's weird

athy once fell asleep on the couch while reading with him, and claude moved her head onto his lap so she wouldn't be uncomfy sitting - well, she woke up to his hand absentmindedly raking through her hair and it was just so soothing that whenever she's tired and he's working or reading, she just plops her head on his lap and zzzz

and claude wondered what was up with that, so she proposed they switch roles and he felt so awkward trying to lay down in front of her lmao

obviously athy noticed and she just started reading, thinking he might be more comfortable if her attention isn't on him completely - she ended up reading out loud while playing with his collar and he just,,,passed out

also anastacius has definitely pulled jennette aside regarding the issue of his heir at some point - she had been hesitant at first before admitting she wouldn't like to be the empress at all

i know we'd all love to see empress!jettie and her sister duchess!athy ruling the court, but i really really really can't see her wanting the title?

so thus start athy's empress lessons, but holy shit her teacher is mean

like this man makes me want to bash his face in?? so he doesn't like the idea of athy becoming empress over jennette at all, all bc of both hers and claude's mothers being commoners

he has one of those long ass sticks that you use in presentation to point at stuff?? idk but basically mans has athy name every region, its lords and their vassals during their first lesson

the first time she gets one wrong, she's too shocked as the stick meets the delicate skin of her forearm to react

now the thing is, wmmap!athy would probably stand up against this bc her dad is the emperor and she's his only heir, but i imagine with anastacius' social nature he holds many parties / balls where she's probably heard claude's mom + diana slander and it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to be self conscious abt it (now she's the emperor's heir while jennette, 100% royal + noble blood, is right there which probably makes her feel even less legitimate)

so she endures it, the light marks on her arms as well as the taunts of his she's too smart to not understand - perhaps this is the price to be accepted in jennette's place?

and honestly, no one really notices until at breakfast a few weeks in, where jennette mentions how her dresses are still so modest when sleeveless dresses were more in fashion - ana is suspicious because athy is always on top of these things, societal trends and such, and claude is sus from the way she hesitates slightly in her answer, "i haven't had the time lately, i suppose"

the lesson after focuses on ettiquete since everyone knows she's good at politics and such already, but now tears of frustration are pooling in her eyes because what the hell?? this guy had made an opinion of her long before he even met her, so anything she did would be wrong in his eyes

he gives her a sinister smile, "tired, princess?"

"no," she insists, keeping her voice level. he's about to spout some other nonsense, when anastacius enters the room, taking a seat across from her

anastacius watches quietly as athy answers the teacher's questions in her "public" voice. he watches as her usually cheery disposition is replaced by something far more...dead, despite the front she puts on for him. he's soundless as she hesitates in her answers where she normally would've been louder, more confident. he stops watching in silence when his niece flinches at the sight of the stick

oh.

he interrupts her lesson, not missing the way she winces almost imperceptibly when he grabs ahold of her arm, announcing, "we're going."

he just- it's just that that was the moment he knew for sure - the sight of his niece emotionally disheveled for the first time reminds him too much of how his own brother had once been, and he'd... he'd promised he wouldn't let anyone hurt his family anymore

he ends up taking her to the port with some of his advisors to welcome some royal guests, insisting that she would learn better from experience rather than books - but the guest delegation gets so boring that he sneaks her out of the meeting n they end up in the streets

now athy has no idea where they are, but apparently her uncle does?? ana has his hand on her head as he navigates the streets of the capitol as if he comes here everyday, using magic to casually disguise the two of them

in the meantime?

felix is at the port trying to cover for them smfh, he makes up this huge story about how the great wise emperor wanted to familiarize his heir with the locals, understand her subjects, yada yada

back at the palace prince claude is currently dragging a man by his collar and only upon jennette's insistence does he throw him in prison rather than literally kill him

(jettie visits him later in prison to give the guy a piece of her mind, after felix's visit he's sporting a few noticable bruises and the prisoner is practically unrecognizable once lucas visits)

back to athy + ana, they end up stuffing themselves with some super good street food as anastacius confesses that yes, he has definitely been sneaking out of the palace ever since he was a lil kid

athy almost mentions that she, lucas n jettie sneak out too but that might give him a heart attack, so

"it's so pretty, uncle cius," she says, gesturing towards the necklace he holds up. once he's paid for it, anastacius fists the necklace, opening it to reveal the jewel pendant - now imbued with his magic and replaced with gold lettering of the word athanasia

and she realises that yes, that's what both him and her dad have called her all her life, haven't they?

"you're my heir, athanasia," he uncle tells her with a small smile, "i am proud of that."

getting teary, she tells him, "i'm really proud of you too, uncle cius," triggering a very flustered + blushy anastacius

this mans craves validation - not from the sycophantic nobility, or the obsequious concubines he'd dismissed all those years ago, but from the family he thought he'd neither have nor deserve

and just the acknowledgement is so large for athy - he wants her as his heir, not because she's his niece, but bc he trusts her to look after his hard work after him??? - yeah she's totally bawling her eyes out

anastacius magics her a handkerchief but my mans magic isn't that strong?? lmao he's used up so much by now that the 'handkerchief' turns out to be some scratchy tissues

awkward amirite

nope! athy laughs at that, offering him a sip of her drink as she magics another straw and a proper handkerchief lmfaoo

n e ways so when they return, everyone's shocked to learn that the crown heir, princess athanasia will actually be joining the official circles as anastacius' temporary aid - he doesn't wanna entrust her to anyone but family, and decides that the best way to learn is by his side

(she's so confused bc lucas doesn't normally bat an eyelash when she wears the prettiest gowns, but he deadass can't look her in the eyes when she's in her aid uniform - it's more like a suit than it is a dress)

yes lucas women in suits >>>>>

everyone is STUNNED when at dinner, claude proposes they leave on vacation??

anastacius is just not having it?? like no, this is not my brother, and he throws a grape at claude to check if it's a clone or sum (¿¿how does that work??)

anyays so he ain't no felix, ana's aim is ass and it hits jettie instead

mans nearly gets on his knees to apologise

long story short everyone preps for vacation, but by some aCCiDeNt claude n athy end up at a different destination than jettie n ana, when she suggests returning to the palace to regroup, mans deadass sulks

"so you wouldn't like to spend this time with your father, despite barely visiting my office for weeks?"

o-oh

so at their return, the nobility starts pestering everyone that the princesses aren't independent enough, yada yada idc so to quell this annoyance, to the girls' joy, they get to move into emerald palace together, while claude and ana stay in the ruby and main palaces respectively

literally emerald palace becomes such a cool place to be in since it's the residence of the only decent people in this family, the brothers spend hours going through the requests of maids who want to be transferred

it's such a busy time because of athy joining the court and jettie starting her studies as well - naturally, since she isn't becoming empress, she'll be getting the duchy claude + athy were to be given in the beginning

speaking of futures, jettie's interest in plants and cooking has definitely branched out into herbs

claude notices her tending to a small garden during his visit to athy and even gives her a few tips (he had been studying medical since he was a kid, and picked it up again when athy was born and the empire stablised somewhat)

this soon becomes a routinely thing, and he actually starts reading up on some herbs and even orders a few for her prospering garden

after a month of her learning from books, claude proposes adding a medic as one of her teachers, and turns out his hunch was right?? she's excelling at medicine and they keep it between themselves for the time being

it doesn't last long though, bc they're on a hunting trip when ana injures his leg

and !! this girl istg, she gets to cleaning and wrapping the wound without blinking an eye, as if it's the most natural thing ever, and claude is just smirking while athy and anastacius and literally everyone else: 🌟💞✨jettie✨💞🌟

literal tears coming out of anastacius' eyes "how come my daughter is smarter than me😭💅"

claude: that's not a very high standard, brother

anastacius: ✨suddenly i'm an only child✨

behold, the people in charge of running an empire everyone 👏👏👏

even though jennette is claude's (unofficial) student and athy is her uncle's heir, they both ask their dads to the debutante

yes athy does dance with lucas, anastacius sent him an invitation even though he wasn't a noble (he's an active match maker 😌) and nobody dared question the emperor's special guest

at the end of the night, kiel gives jettie a letter from arlanta - it's an invitation to the academy during holidays, from a certain brunette

when she brings up the subject, felix lets out a squeak and literally everyone goes silent 😭😭

athy n kiel are just out here DARING him to spill them beans

but anastacius takes on look at his excited lil kid and decides that yups, she's going to get everything she wants

a/n: i literally don't know how many parts this should have lmaoo but y'all made it this far!! thanks for reading i hope you liked it<3

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reaction to Lies!

It's another long one because so much happens in this episode! The episode starts with Marinette trying to figure out a "secret" within the grimoire. Literal first thought was that this "secret" may be the key to waking up Emilie. It's obviously going to be of huge significance later, anyway. By looking at that piece on Adrien, it does appear Adrien has an amazing life. And really, that's what a lot of people think. That's the point of featuring him. A life of a celebrity is pretty amazing, really interesting and fascinating. But it's also filled with a lot of stress, chaos, loneliness, etc. But viewers rarely ever see it. As for Marinette, while Adrien has said things about what his father allows that makes him sad, we haven't ever heard him complain to her in any way about that lifestyle. To her, he's a guy whose father has him busy with activities (interesting ones at that) and very rarely ever lets him spend time with friends. I love how this episode parallels Truth! But Adrien's POV. My boy has an episode centered around him, finally!

So we know her standing Chat Noir up is because Luka came by reminding her of a date she forgot she rescheduled. You know she's extremely distracted and stressed when she can't remember a date with Luka or a patrol with Chat Noir, or remember that she planned them at the same time. It's really not her fault, and I feel so bad for her that things are becoming so difficult. "No messages, but don't forget my cheese!" LOL this is perfect. Plagg has to get that reminder in wherever he can! The Chat Noir appreciation was so wholesome to see awww, I bet so many boys in Paris look up to him, so sweet x33 Mr. Banana, Chat Noir, and the man who frequently is Mr. Pigeon just chilling on a bench in the park together. What a scene! lol But Chat wanting them to be akumatized so he could see Ladybug. Big oof. He's going to get his wish, a few times over. Careful what you wish for, Kitty! "A glass of milk as usual, mister Chat Noir?" Okay so when Chat's down, he goes to that bar and has a glass of milk. Or more if he's having a bad day. Awwwww. If you think about it, Adrien probably isn't allowed to have milk. With the fat content and all. :/ Kagami lying to her mother and Nathalie/Gabriel just to spend some time with Adrien. Considering how difficult their lives are, that's pretty impressive to be so brave. Not too fond of the lying part though, since there's not a noble reason for doing so. But I can understand it. We found out Kagami's real passion: drawing! Which is pretty cool. That's one thing Kagami and Marinette have in common that'd make them good friends. Very sad how her blind mother tells her she's not good enough. That just tells you what she thinks of her daughter and what she wants her to do with her life. She's afraid she'll pursue the arts rather than something practical, so best shoot down any thoughts of being an artist now. And then, like with all episodes that have Kagami in them, this is where I start to dislike her. "I want to draw the real you, on the inside." Adrien makes various model poses, none work for her as she knows they're just him being a model. Then he actually poses as himself. A silly, goofy cat having fun and being happy. Adorable. "What do you think of... CAT?" deathglare "No, this is absolutely not natural." "Yes it is. I promise, this is really me!" "NO! This is you when you're acting like a clown!" Adrien looking hurt, "But maybe when I act like a clown, it's really me." Then she takes his hand, (gently) pushes him back up against the wall, her hands on his chest, "That way, that's who you really are." What way? Her telling him how to be is who he really is? He stammers, looking very uncomfortable. "But are you sure?" "Yes... you are perfect." Then she leans in to kiss him, while he's still looking uncomfortable. Right here, she's trying to tell him who he is. What kind of relationship is healthy and a good one one at that, when one side is trying to tell the other who they are, how they must act, etc? That's toxic. Keep in mind, after this scene, during Truth's attack. He found out that Ladybug actually in fact loves (said she prefers) the humorous, "clown" side of him. Yes, she only knows it as Chat Noir for now, but she actually appreciates and loves Chat for who he is. Kagami doesn't love nor appreciate that side of Adrien. Which is a very big and important side of him. We knew this in Ikari Gozen, she couldn't stand the thought of Chat Noir being compared to Adrien, pretty sure she even seemed offended by it if memory serves. But it's laid out more in Lies, it's more direct. (Marinette's done this too in the past, but when she's done it, her tone's more like pssssh please! while she looks off to the side, like she's mostly just telling herself that, to convince herself, rather than believing it.) Kagami thinks she knows Adrien, knows that him being funny and a clown is not the "real" him. Acting like she knows him better than he knows himself. Thinking he's perfect. That was a very hurtful thing to have said and you can see it in his expression the same kind of pain and hurt

he gets a lot. I also want to talk about how watching her back Adrien up against the wall like that and leaning into kiss him made me feel particularly uncomfortable. While they might have a little thing going on, he was clearly not comfortable by it and it just did not sit well with me. This entire scene was riddled with red flags. Adrien smiled at the end of that on his way out, yes, but having someone tell you you're perfect would seem like a compliment to you, wouldn't it? The one you like thinks you're perfect, thinks the facade you put up is perfect and anything less isn't okay with them. That'll end up so well! The almost kissing scenes this episode literally had me like

I'm sorry, I just feel so very uncomfortable by them, I can't help it. xD Just before Chat Noir sneaked up on Ladybug, he almost kissed Kagami right? And yet here he is, being a bit flirty, saying he's missed her on patrols. I also want to point out she tells him to stop with his stupid jokes, because she doesn't want to accidentally hurt him! She could've hurt him by scaring her like that. While she likes his humor, they're only problematic if it puts himself in danger or distracts them from fighting an akuma. "I promise I won't forget our patrols anymore." The looks that passed between LB and CN here is just so cute! OOOF as Luka walks away sad because Marinette had to run off, here comes Adrien, about to do the exact same thing as Marinette to Kagami... Now Kagami's not as accepting of him running off as she was just a little while ago.

Even Andre's like, what the heck was that?! His expression watching Adrien run off made me laugh, I had to share it. I was wondering how Adrien got to the boathouse before Marinette did, as it made it seem like Adrien was there long before Marinette was. He just ran in and started playing along where they were. Good lord, he has a lot going on too, doesn't he? Only difference from Marinette here is Adrien has a built-in and believable excuse he can tell his friends. Kagami's forceful "Adrien, it's time." "Five little minutes?" *shakes head sternly* Who does this remind you of in Adrien's life already? Is this what a good girlfriend, what a good friend would do? And here again is the pattern we see a lot with Kagami. She manipulates situations so that they can spend time together. Adrien wants to spend time with his friends AND girlfriend at the same time. Rehearsing for their band, it looks like. He rarely ever gets to spend time with others, be a normal kid. But no, she drags him away early, making it sound like they had to leave, but it's just her wanting him to herself. When he couldn't go to New York, oh well that's unfortunate you're sad, but we can spend more time together now, isn't that great? It's about what she wants, not what he wants or what's best for Adrien. She spends more time with Adrien (not counting Ladybug spending time with Chat Noir here) than anyone else does by the looks of it, and she doesn't even know him at all. It's really sad. Adrien still carrying around Marinette's lucky charm bracelet in his pocket x3333 This never fails to make me happy. But oof that boy's seriously going to lose it one of these days if he's not careful! There's something different about seeing the Ladynoir scene on the roof that we got in Truth, but from Adrien's perspective. Something about it feels like it means more to me, idk. Adrien gets caught in a lie, saying he lost something but found it. Kagami asked what it was, holding Marinette's lucky charm behind her back. He says it was the lucky charm Marinette gave her, as he's scrambling in his pocket to pull it out seeming a bit frazzled, but realizes he actually in fact lost it (again! he says). But Kagami caught him in that lie, showing him that she actually had it.

I'm not sure if he's so shocked because she actually had it and wonders how she got it, or if he looks like that because he just got caught in a lie. But the way his eyebrows raised a little makes it seem like he's surprised she had it after all and was testing him the whole time. I've always hated the way sometimes someone when in a relationship will test the other one like this. Really not fair in Adrien's case at all. Things aren't always as they may seem. And here's the thing, she's admitting to him that she's lying just to be with him. She lies all the time. Adrien caught on that she was lying, but didn't really understand why I don't think. Earlier in the episode he says, "What are you hiding, Kagami?" he didn't know her purpose for it. Now she says, "We're both liars, the difference is I lie to be with you. You. You lie to get away from me." Which is a yes but actually no situation. It's not that he doesn't want to be with her, it's that he needs to get away temporarily. It just looks really, really bad. Getting off track from that conversation briefly, but that scene where the akuma goes off into the night, with the blurred city lights that becomes clear. Just wow. That shot is beautiful, I can't help myself from playing it back and admiring it. I'm also totally digging the new transformation music! it gives me 90s vibes and makes me happy. Seeing Jagged after Truth is just completely different xD "I fear nothing, I am an artist! I still hold to my fans." Both Roth: "Wrong, you lie to them about your age!" "That's not Rock and Roll!" Had me rolling!! Jagged sure is something XD Chat just up and about to cataclysm the sphere, thinking he'd be okay because he doesn't lie. Except he lies all the time to protect his identity and get himself away from people so he can transform. xD Silly Kitty. The drone as a Lucky Charm is super cool! In Truth, Chat Noir said a truth about how he felt about Ladybug. In Lies, he tells lies to Lies to get her attention. "My name's not Chat Noir! I'm not a superhero! I hate Ladybug! And I think Hawk Moth should've called himself Panfly! It's funnier! Oh, I was about to forget: my favorite dish is cabbage with white sauce! Yummy!" Cabbage...with white sauce... as a dish. Is this like, a real fancy dish or something or is this boy being completely starved? o.o CN: "There are only two more liars left in Paris, and one of them knows how to turn his attention." LB: "No, wait! Don't do that! What if I'm mistaken?" "You know what? I trust you." he lets go, sacrificing himself again "Chat Noir, no! Don't do that! You're crazy!" "Yes, crazy for you, m'lady." Says softly, sadly, "No, you're just crazy unconscious." This ENTIRE scene right here. The love, the trust, the pain in this scene. It's so beautiful and well done that I can't stop getting emotional from it and gushing! Everything's on the line from that decision, and the trust he has for her, the faith he has in her really helps her know she can do what she needs to do. She's always doubting herself, and he's always there to say he doesn't feel that way at all, and it gives her that confidence and courage she needs. The moment Chat Noir is okay, the first thing Ladybug does is run up and smack him, grabbing him anxiously saying "Seriously, you need to stop doing this to me!" The girl is stressed seeing her partner sacrifice himself time and again! IF THIS BOY DOESN'T REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH SHE CARES ABOUT HIM AT THIS POINT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. Any fan that still thinks Ladybug doesn't love Chat Noir and thinks poorly of him, clearly does not understand it at all. My Ladynoir heart is SO HAPPY! I was thrilled with them in Truth, but this is a totally different level. I'm almost in tears with how happy I am. And then I noticed something. I don't know if it's anything or not. But Chat Noir says to her, "Yes, but it's because I find that angry look of yours irresistable." and Kagami turns around to look at him, only him and never Ladybug. Just watching him. Which is a bit... odd. "Ahh, Ladybug..." he sighs. After what

just happened, I don't blame him! x3 These two are honestly fire. When D'Argencort has to step in to keep Kagami from hurting Adrien during fencing... Doesn't matter how upset she is, that's gross to physically take it out on him to the point a teacher has to intervene. Kagami tells Adrien she knows he's hiding something, but that he's sincere, too. But when he asks if they can't be friends then, she responds, "How can you trust someone who lied to you?" and finally gives him back the lucky charm. Ever since Gorizilla, I've been worrying of him losing it for good! Glad she gave it back to him. I've said it already, but he's really going to lose that thing if he's not careful! "When I'm ready to see you again, I'll let you know." and she just leaves. I get she's upset, he's been lying to her to get away when he's with her and all that. But this is worse than what happened with Lukanette. Luka wanted to actually know what was going on, he asked Marinette about it directly. She told him honestly, it's the one thing she can't tell him. Kagami on the other hand never actually asked. During one of the scenes when he was spacing out, she asked what was the matter is all. All she's cared about is that he's lied, and now that he's lied she can't trust him. Doesn't even want to hear him out, not that he'd explain it to her. Kagami doesn't even want to see Adrien for awhile now. At least Luka's more understanding and isn't as harsh being in the exact same situation. This poor boy... But it's also for the best. Marinette and Adrien both after breaking up with Luka and Kagami, decided to transform and meet up to just be in each other's company. They're both sad, but not especially so. "Do you know what the difference is, between us and the rest of the world, m'lady? We can't be completely honest with each other. We have our secrets, and sometimes we have to lie." Ladybug frowning hums in agreement. But at the same time, they both turn to each other and say happily "But we know we can trust each other!" finishing with a pound-it! IT'S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL AND MY HEART IS HAPPY After Truth, where Luka and Marinette were so sad and having a hard time, I really needed such an episode with such good Ladynoir! It really looks like the story is going in a really good direction, in my opinion. x3

[girlandthedarkness]

Lin Beifong x Reader

kind of a sequel to this headcanon with Lin Beifong

The advantage to be the Avatar's friend is that you not only travel different places with her, you as well make a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. So it's not a surprise that you joined the search for new airbenders after the Harmonic Convergence. You were glad to find new airbenders with Korra and her friends, you thought that Lin will be against that, but she tells you to do what you please.

- Are you not mad? You ask thoughtful

- You know I never could be mad at you, also, spirits know, this group need someone who can think. She said with a small smile.

The journey was intense, and without any success, only one airbender has joined you. Ba Sing Se was even a bigger mess, the queen holds airbenders hostage for her own army, the blood in your veins was boiling. How dare she hold these people? You thought nothing could calm you down, It was until you saw your girlfriend who notice your anger and sadness. She learns about your situation and warns Korra about Red Lotus, whose members had escaped. Later, when the airbenders were safe, she holds you in her arms while you let all the emotions through tears.

- I saw enough of Ba Sing Se, remind me never to come here. You said while Lin just let a small laugh.

You were so excited when you heard that another airbender was found in a city entire made of metal. But you knew something was wrong the moment you saw Lin's face when she heard about Zaofu. Her frown became even deeper and she looked rather annoyed, insisting to turn back to Republic City. You stayed silent as Korra and Lin had a fight about if they should return to Republic City or collect a new airbender. They decided the last one.

- Something's wrong? You asked when you two retired to yours shared room.

She sighs heavily and gives you a painful glance, instinctive you pulled her closer to your body and give her a bear hug, so she knew that you're here for her.

- It's ok if you don't want to talk about it. You said concerned

- There's someone in Zaofu that I don't want to come face to face with. she said so low that it was almost a whisper

- Who? You question impatiently

- My sister.

When you arrived in Zaofu, Lin chose to remain inside the airship, instructing the group to not tell that she came along with them. You roll your eyes, the last night the only thing she told you was that she doesn’t want to face her sister because of a big conflict they had in the past. You tried to reason her why she should encounter her sibling, but she was way too stubborn to see your point.

Aiwei show you the city, the statue of Toph Beifong, who invented the metal bending. You with Bolin were so thrilled to see the city, their buildings and architecture.

 - You are so lucky to date the Toph's daughter. He said, whispering to you.

You giggle at these words

- Well, you lucky enough to try and learn the metal bending, at this word he let a deep sigh

- I hope.

You meet the matriarch of the city at dance rehearsal, you let a surprised sigh, because she looks so much like Lin, perhaps both of them look very much like Toph? Probably you never saw her in real life, only the statues and some portraits in the books.

Suyin named all of your group members, giving you a smile.

- I heard you are a wonderful healer?

- Yes, she is, the answer for you Korra, but also one of the best fighters. You heard a tone of pride in her voice and suddenly you felt shy.

Your discussion was interrupted by Aiwei who leans to Suyin and whispered something in her ear. You frown deeply when you saw that, looking at you Korra smiles, because this face reminds her so much of a certain Police Chief. But you realized they knew there was someone else on the ship, because of the seismic sense, such being the case why you could never give Lin sneak hugs.

- Aiwei says that there is someone on your ship?

- I told you Y/N, its Chief Beifong, for some reason she didn't want to come with us?

- Lin is here?

- Do you know her? Ask Korra dumbfounded

- Didn't she told you about me? Y/N notice the hurt in her voice

- Suyin is her sister, Lin's sister. You offer clarity

After the reveal, everyone suddenly developed the ability to walk fast, you barely could to hold the pace. They rushed so fast, that you were the last one to enter. When you come into the ship the intense atmosphere could be almost touched. Two Beifong's siblings gaze at one another and then the hell gets loose. They accused each other of so many things, such as tearing apart the family, Suyin accused her sister of not making any contacts with her in thirty years. You saw the almost ashamed stare in Lin's eyes at this word, so you moved to her side to bring a little bit of comfort since everybody looked for some reason so betrayed.

- Y/N why don't you tell us? Wonder Bolin

- I thought you didn't have secrets from me?  Korra asks a little bit hurt

At first she was shocked when you reveal your relationships with Chief Beifong, after that she enjoyed to tease you about it. But then the reality hit her, you started to spend so much time with Chief Beifong, that she internally always rolls her eyes. Isn't chief very busy woman? It bugs her how you depart from her, she was so happy to spend some time with you at home, but then Unalaq happened. She was relieved when you decided to help them to find the new airbenders, but then Chief joined them and it was once again you and Lin.

- I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, you started to apologize, but that's not my secret to decide to reveal it or not. Also, I thought we came here to meet the airbender? You try to pretend you don't see Su's intense gaze.

- It's my daughter, Opal. Finally said Suyin

You were holding Lin's forearm, while Suyin decided to introduce her family, you wonder if it's for the whole group or only for Lin. She started with her twin sons, Wei and Wing, who were playing power disk, something they invented. She proceeds to introduce to Huan, a metal bending sculptor, to his delight you let go of the Chief hand to take a closer look at his work.

- It's so beautiful and unusual, you smiled when you heard a small noise produced by Lin.

- Finally, said with pride Huan, someone who understands art.

While Suyin takes you to meet her daughter you came closer to Korra.

- Listen, I'm sorry that I didn't say to you anything, but as I said it's not my secret.

- Well of course it's not, it was yours and Beifong's secret, one of the many I guess. She said with a huff

- What do you mean? You looked puzzled

- I'm ok that you two dating, I'm even ok that Chief keeps her secrets, but you are my friend and I met you first, she said, looking at Lin who clearly could hear them, the last one rolled her eyes.

- I'm still your friend and I care about you, I'm sorry that I didn't pay you a lot of attention. You said sadly

- No Y/N, I'm sorry, Korra stoped you while everyone keeps moving, I guess I'm just a little bit jealous, she gazed ashamed to ground.

- I guess we both are guilty. You said, taking Korra in a warm embrace that she returned.

You meet Opal soon after, the young woman expresses so much of delight over meeting her aunt. But still mad at her sister Lin dismissed girl's joy, receiving a disapproving look from you. On the other hand, you are pleasant to encounter with her.

- I like your hairstyle, she said with a smile

- I can try to make you a similar one.

- So we have the airbender, we should turn back to Republic City where I can protect Korra from members of the Red Lotus. Your chatter was interrupted by Lin.

- Zaofu is the safest city in the world, I assure you, Avatar Korra is secure here.

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You admired the Huan's sculptures when you saw a shadow approaching you.

- There's something stunning in metal, you said while turn around to see Suyin, perhaps the way sun reflex on it.

- Bolin said you see my sister. She said with a small smile

- By see you mean dating? You chuckle.

- So it's true, I never thought she would find someone who will bear her.

- She's not how you all portray her, just because she doesn’t show off all of her emotions, don't mean she is evil and have none. You rant, not in the mood to listen how your girlfriend is bad.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything malicious, but sometimes she's so stubborn. She let a long sigh from her lungs.

- Well, I'm pretty sure not only her since you had such a big fight that destroyed your relationships. You said still defensively of Lin

- You right, I guess we didn't just inherit earthbending from our mother. She said with a smile, that you return. After that the silence fell between you two.

- I want to make up for the way we meet today, do you know how?

- I need to know as much embarrassing stories as you can recall about Lin. You said with a sly smile on your face.

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It was early morning, the early fight between two Beifongs still fresh in your head, you were so scared that they will hurt each other. But when Lin lost her consciousness, your heart skipped a beat, you tried to heal her, but except some small scratches, she is physically healthy. It was a deep emotional wound, that sadly your healing can't even touch. You smile slightly at the peaceful face, no frowning, just Lin. You saw her eyes moving underneath her eyelids.

- How many times should I say to not look at me while I'm sleeping, I can feel it. She said without any malice

-You scared me to death, you get closer to her body on the bed

- I'm sorry, she said while she opened fully her eyes and moved her head to your chest

- How do you feel?

- Relieved.

- Do you want to talk about it?

- Maybe other times, did you even get any sleep? She asks with a concern in her voice

- I couldn't, not until I'm sure you're alright.

She lifts her head from your chest and look at your face.

- You look ill, she said with a small smile. I think you need to sleep.

With that word she switches your position and now your head is on her chest. You raise your head to give a kiss on her lips, after you settled down, she kissed you on the cheek

- Goodnight Lin. You said almost falling asleep

- Goodnight Y/n. she put you closer drifting away as well.

A/N: “Kinda cheesy end, but this woman deserves some happiness. It was supposed to be a comfort Lin small fanfic, but it gets out of my hands and become my biggest English work”

[modsatan-writes]

May I request a match-up?

Hi! The preferred name i'd go by is Devora, bisexual, demigirl. I'm an Aquarius, apparently a ENFP-T personality type. I am loyal, caring and sometimes even protective of the ones I love, usually independent and always trying to be a responsible and reasonable-mature person. I struggle with confidence and self worth issues (writing anything positive about myself is a challenge). I am an absolute ambivert, shy around people of higher authority or importance but very open around people I care about or feel close to. Also very affection starved, daily hugs are a must. Cuddles are a dream. I don't care about appearances at all, and care about being healthy and for everyone to be in their best state. (Sorta struggle to do it for myself though, neglecting whatever health Issues I might have) Also rather minimalistic, not the biggest wardrobe. I have glasses and I myself am a bit of a short chub with a boy haircut. My way of exercising is longs walks, I listen to music alot which I end up daydreaming about. My mind is constantly thinking about a thousand things at once and I struggle to focus at times. Also a bit of a workaholic who can't really relax. I hold a strong love for animals, especially cats and reptiles (own a cat and a leopard gecko). I hold a massive sense of love any type of fiction/creative media. Movies, theatre, books, anime, video games, you name it! Though I do also love myself am occasional documentary about history or something. I hold a love for food, I love cooking but for the life of me can't bake, I do tend to be a bit picky at times and have a fuzzy appetite which can be problematic, add it with my workaholic tendencies and I tend to forget to eat or sleep - memory can also often be a bit iffy at times.

What I really want to do is become a writer, writer/creator for books, movies, tv shows, maybe even video games! I struggle with escapism sometimes and because of that I hold a massive fantasy world in my head, and it's constantly expanding nonstop.

Art is a small hobby on the side, as just another way of expressing the things I'd want to write about.

I struggle with fidgeting and little stims of mine. I'd say I'm a very understanding and open-minded person, always trying to see both sides of a conflict and trying to solve things through communication. I also hold a strong sense of patience but can have an occasional temper if you really do go that low - I also can be rather curious, another one of my dreams is to travel the world, to see new places, meet new people and be introduced to all types of culture (One of the places I'm most interested in is Japan, England is also a place I really wanna visit one day). I'm always thrilled to meet someone from a different backround and to listen to what they have to say.

Also I come from Estonia, English ain't my first language either, and I'm constantly aiming for learning more languages - I do often struggle with my identity aswell.

Also struggle with family issues, not gonna go into that, but just gonna say I've lacked a connected and loving family for a majority of my life, which just makes me more likely to get attached to someone. Can be very emotional and talkative at times (I'm the type who quickly cries during movies hahah)

Ps. I love the work you do, and I hope you the best! ✨

You sure can, sweety! You say you struggle with writing positive things about yourself, but honestly there's nothing not to love! Sweety, you're so cool and creative it's insane. Also, thanks for the love!

- Mod Satan

tw: none.

Requests are currently OPEN. Remember to always read the rules before sending in an ask.

Your romantic match is: Satan

Oh boy I have a lot to say about this one.

Well, what can I say? He literally loves how much of a creative person you are. He's silently impressed by your skills.

He will absolutely encourage you to follow your dream and become a writer – we know he is a massive bookworm and, well, his loved one writing? Magnificent. Stunning.

He can and he will read everything you write. Books? Scripts? Songs? You name it.

Also, a lot of your hobbies are the same as his – you bet he will lend you his favourite books and occasionally read for you before going to sleep. He would love to accompany you to theatre and watch movies with you (he's there to wipe your tears).

You want to visit England? Leave it to him.

He needs your patience – as the Avatar of Wrath, he loses his temper pretty quickly. But if you're by his side, maybe he won't be that destructive. Teach him how to communicate and convey his emotions in a non-violent way.

You're his voice of reason.

He's not that good with affection at the beginning – he doesn't dislike it, but he's a bit awkward (he just doesn't know how to react). Give him time, though, and he will eventually become more affectionate. Not fond of PDA though, so everything will be done in private.

He will constantly check on you. Did you have lunch? Did you sleep enough?

He will tease the hell out of you in your shy moments.

You said you have a cat? Now your cat is his cat too.

Your platonic match is: Leviathan

I think you and Levi are really kindred spirits – just like you, he has his very own fantasy world in his mind and he likes to live in it. He would love to share his ideas with you and, of course, he would listen to you, too!

Definetly the friend you can binge-watch anime and play videogames with. Satan doesn't like that because he keeps you awake at night and you need to sleep.

He calls you a normie when he notices you're crying for a sad anime scene. He's crying too.

Honestly, the boy is just so happy he found someone he can talk to about his interests – his brothers never take him seriously and he doesn't really have a lot irl friends. It's refreshing for him.

Please go visit Japan with him. Please.

He buys you figures of your favourite anime characters for your birthday.

I think he's a very good listener, actually – when you struggle with your family or anything else really, just text him and he'll be on his way in mere seconds.

He created a playlist to cheer you up (most of the songs are his favourite openings and endings from animes he loves).

He will definetly ask you to cosplay with him the characters of an anime you watched together.

He fell in love with your gecko. He's almost as cute as Henry.

[btssavedmylifeblr]

hi bae. this might be a depressing thing to answer so feel free to ignore. (1/2) ive been into kpop for years now. i comforted myself with idols and their songs. sometimes, because of the overwhelming loneliness in my life, i had dreamed about them. I know I'm just a fan and I'm fine with that. but just to comfort myself, I thought them as my friends and sometimes people I flirt with... but the more I rely on them the more I realized how pathetic I am.

(2/2) irl nobody would love me. I'm ugly, fat, good for nothing ; a loser. I don't even deserve to enjoy their music yet alone being friends with them - even if it's imaginary - I hate myself. "why im like this" this question hunts me everyday. I was seeing a therapist and it was helping but I guess since I spend more time in my head these thoughts came back. I feel so worthless. I wish someone would love me. But why would they? im no special,im nothing. im sorry if i made you uncomfortable.

——-

Apologies for being slow to respond! I’m not uncomfortable, just was in the middle of an upload when this came in.

So I’ve struggled with mild depression on/off most of my adult life. I’ve never been suicidal and I’ve never been medicated but there is a sea of sadness and self-loathing beneath me that is always ready to drag me down when I am at my weakest. So I recognize what I call “depression brain” in this ask.

I’m not a therapist, but for me, depression brain is a toxic combination of telling myself there is something wrong with me, then trying to use my sad depression brain to figure out what is wrong with me, failing to figure to out what is wrong and blaming myself again and the cycle repeats. Depression brain wants to think its way out of depression, but it cant, because depression is not logical, it’s physical.

Here are things that have helped me climb my way back out: therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, creative writing, making art, music, talking with friends about stuff I love, healthy food, hydration, sex/masturbation, massage, leaving the house, having a regular sleep schedule, helping other people

Things that make me feel worse: social media, television, junk food, staying inside all day, waiting to feel better, waiting for motivation, waiting for someone else to save me/love me/fix me, not sleeping enough / sleeping at weird times, trying to think through my problems without talking to someone else, telling myself that I am unique in my suffering and no one else has ever felt this way

Notice how all of things that make me feel better are things that make me physically feel better? None of them are magic thoughts that I can think and feel better. But all of the negative things are mental traps that the depression brain lays for me.

How does kpop fit into this for me? My blog is titled BTS saved my life because four years ago I hit a bad stretch of depression and BTS helped me in wide variety of ways. Their music made me happy and kept me company on walks, while exercising, and while doing other productive things that I didn’t feel like doing, like cleaning. Fangirling over them reconnected me with old friends and helped me make new friends with a shared interest, something I had been unable to do as an adult up until then. Writing about them gave me a creative outlet that was both fun and productive and helped me feel like I was bringing joy to other people. Seeing their struggles with a lot of the same issues I was going through and how they expressed those struggles in their music helped me feel like I wasn’t walking this path alone.

But kpop can just as easily be path into the sea of depression. If you are constantly comparing yourself to idols and finding yourself lacking. Or if you get tied up in angry fanwars / drama that make us all feel ineffectual. Or if you try to get the internet to validate you / give you attention because it will never be enough. Or if you’re spending all your time sitting still in front of a screen to absorb their content. So you need to have a critical eye on the ways you use kpop in your life and prioritize those ways that make you feel better and ditch the ways that make you feel worse, even if they seem enjoyable in the moment.

One last note:

People will love you. I’m sure people already do love you and your depression brain is preventing you from seeing it. I have many wonderful people who love me very much in my life, but when I am underwater with my depression, I tell myself that they dont care about me or that I am bothering them and I can’t see how much they love me. Having people who love you is not enough though, you have to love and take care of yourself.

PS. This video on Youtube is one of the best explanations of depression that I have ever found (its only six minutes, go watch it). Also provides a good explanation for why quarantine is making everyone depressed.

Now listen to some BTS and go for a walk. It won’t fix everything. But it may help a little.

[pbandjesse]

I don't want to do my post I am so tired. But I will do it because that is what I do. And I always feel better afterwards. Today was great and I really want to tell you all about it.

Last night was really hard. I was in a lot of pain and I didn't know how to deal with it and so I was kind of lashing out at James a bit and was just very upset. We talked it out and everything's fine and we had a great day together I was just in a lot of pain and was very sad. And we had to call 911 at one point because someone was upstairs just absolutely screaming for like an hour. It was really scary sounding. And I hate calling 911. It stresses me out.

I felt weird when we woke up but we got out of bed and got dressed and left here early. We biked down to the harbor and then over to the medical center. I checked in but apparently I had done something wrong on the questionnaire. The question was did it happen on someone else's property and I said yes. Apparently that through the system off somehow. But it was fine we went we waited and soon enough they were taking us back.

I'm glad I had James there to kind of keep me honest. Customer service Jesse tends to come out when I'm in these types of situations and I down play stuff. So having him there helped curbed that a bit. I did not like seeing how much I weigh. That always makes me upset. But it's fine. I'm still working on losing weight because I want to be healthy again but numbers always upset me. But it's okay.

When I showed the nurse my bruise she was legit silent for 10 seconds. She was in the middle of a sentence when I pulled my skirt up to show her and she just stopped and stared. She was shocked. It was not what she was expecting. The doctor basically did the same thing when she came in. They were very surprised that I had continued to bike and hadn't taken any time off work. But they understood my reasoning. And they understood that I just kept feeling like it was just a bruise. And honestly the doctor was very concerned about my elbow to especially because I was having trouble bending and it was hurting really bad last night and today. It's not so bad anymore. Most of the pain has subsided. But I think that's because they put me on pain medication. I'm taking two different things. And I don't hurt at all so that's nice. And Keith were hurting really bad today to from stress and pressure in the air. And all that pain is gone. Very good pain medication.

Basically the doctor said to ice it and then put heat on it. Couple times a day if I can. Elevating it and epsom salt baths as much as possible. She also said that I might need to get some physical therapy if I lose strength in it but because I'm still biking and working on yoga and things she doesn't think that will be too much of an issue. She gave me a sheet that says what I should look out for and basically told me it was a really bad deep tissue wound but I'll be okay. They did some Wound Care on my elbow and wrapped it. And then sent me to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions.

The wrap they put on my arm made it so I couldn't do much and it was a bit of a mess. And then I just kind of fell out of it. But we got everything and then we went to IHOP.

James was very focused on this call back from the job. I really hope they get back to him soon because he really needs those. Just emotionally it would be so good for him. But we have a nice breakfast. And then we biked back to my apartment.

I cleaned up a little bit and he carried the box of toys for the kids. But it was very hot outside and the wrap they put on my arm was hurting me really bad. So we stopped and took it off of me. But I was still in pain so we took off the under bandages well once we got to the bus stop. I really really appreciate all of James help today. He really makes me feel cared about even when I'm having trouble accepting that.

But we got the bus and headed to school. And it was really fun having him there. We got in the building and went to my storage closet. I showed him some stuff but we spent the first 45 minutes organizing. I told James what he could clean and what he could sort through. I'm made labels and swept and dealt with trash. We cleaned off the boards and put things away. It was really good. We were very very accomplished and it was really nice having him there. Chelsea came and was laughing about how we did her job for her. And then we went for a walk. I introduced him to a couple people and we sat and Marcus is classroom for a bit with some of the other teachers. Hung out and I showed James off to all of the people in the school. Everyone thought he was so handsome and kind and funny. Because he is and it's true.

We went downstairs to get the kids and they are so excited to meet him. Darielle screeched. And there was very many handshakes. It was so funny all the adults wanted to hug him and all of the kids wanted to shake his hand. The kids were getting their report cards today so we had to wait for a couple of them but they were getting really antsy so I had James take them upstairs. They were very excited to be able to ask him questions and interrogate him about stuff and threaten him. But they were very excited to take him upstairs.

I came up a few minutes later and we told them what the plan was for the day. Formally introduce them to James. I told them what happened at the doctors. And ask them where they wanted to have their party and they voted to have it inside. But they also wanted to still have recess. So then we went outside for recess.

Recess was really good but they locked the basketball court again so I couldn't show off my skating skills to James as much as I wanted but that's okay. We skated up and down the sidewalk for a bit. But mostly James stayed inside playing basketball with the little kids. I went and checked on him a few times and he just looks so cute with all the kids being so much smaller than him.

I was finally able to connect with my dad on the phone. But he upset me because he wanted to go and upgrade my phone without me ever seeing what phone he's upgrading to. But I've only had my phone since January so I don't even want an upgrade. And I've been saying for like a month now what phone I do want when I do get an upgrade in a year or so. And I was very distressed and overheated. And I'm dealing with a lot with how much pain I'm in a my injury and moving and all the stuff and I didn't need to be told that all of a sudden I was going to need to get another phone. I don't want another phone. I just got this phone. And he didn't understand why I was being difficult when he was doing something nice. But it didn't feel like something nice it felt like something controlling. Just because you can get a free phone from a BOGO sale. But we still have to buy the phone. Upgrades are not free. You still pay for the phone. And I'm trying to explain this to him and I'm like why are you involving me in this we can just add you on the lines for our family plan. But he was obsessed with this free phone. Just let Mom handle this she has been doing it for over a decade and she's good at it. She gets us discounts she make sure everything is the way it's supposed to be. There's no reason for him to take over on this thing that he does not understand. And it was very upsetting and distressing to be almost crying in front of my students for no reason. But we Change the topic and he's going to come visit for Father's Day.

And I am really glad to see him I want him to come here and hang out with me. But I don't like when he does things like that. It's very upsetting to be told I'm being ungrateful when it's something I didn't even ask for. I have enough money now that I could pay for my own phone plan and I appreciate that they keep me on the family plan but still. It's not a necessity and when you hold something that you are doing as a kindness over someone else That makes me not want to ever take any help. And it's something I'm working on right now because I have a lot of toxic Behavior about doing things on my own. And not accepting help from other people. So to have that thrown in my face really hurts.

We took the kids back inside though. And we went right back to our classroom to have our pizza party. I was in charge of handing out pizza. James did drinks. And Chelsea kind of directed traffic. It was a really fun day. We had chips and cupcakes. We had ice cream. The kids got to go to the art store. It was really nice. I gave them all the gifts that I had bought with their comic book money. I got lots of hugs. There was music and dancing. I made a couple more glitter jars with a couple of the girls that weren't here yesterday and then we use the leftover soda bottles to make two big glitter jars. It was a lot of fun. I love having James there in the classroom with me. The kids really liked him too and that was nice. And we used a couple of constellation rules like most quiet table gets to come get food first. And that was really really nice. And Chelsea like him too so that was cool.

We finished up the day with very many hugs. I told everyone they had to give me a hug before they left and they all complied mostly. Ahmad let me hug him but he wouldn't hug me. It's okay. Damon and some of the girls were just holding on to me and didn't want to let go. China was a very sweet one because she hug me and just kind of said to me that she was really going to miss having me as her teacher. And it was very very sweet and soft. Something that doesn't always come through with her. But I can tell she's trying. And that's all that matters.

We cleaned up the room and then I took the final few kids and James up to the cafeteria. Dallas and de'arra asked if they could have boxes to carry the rest of their art until they ran to go get those and soon enough it was time to go. Everyone agreed to meet at karaoke later. And then me and James went to get the bus.

I was in a very good mood when we laughed and we waited and it was too hot but I really enjoyed being with him and I just felt happy. We got back home and I took a shower and got cleaned up. James changed his shirt and around 7 we left to walk to the hotel. Took way less time than we thought it would though.

We got there about 7:05. And no one was there yet. So we went across the street to the park and watched a little bit of the concert that was happening. Mostly just enjoy each other's company. James was very stressed about the whole job thing so I was just trying to comfort him. He said he felt selfish but I like being able to be there for each other. I like that we have that given taken it's not one-sided. But then as we're sitting there we see Tiffany so we head back over to the hotel.

We get in there in the rooms are very small but it ended up being really fun. That's the other thing that was happening was trivia. I did one song with Linnea. A Tom Lehrer song called the masochism Tango. They were all very confused by it. But it was very fun and very silly. I kind of wish I did poisoning pigeons in the park instead but that's all right. But the trivia was what excited James.

Once other people from the school started showing up we were able to get three teams and it was groups of 2. And me and James is team was called Team Rocket. And we ended up winning. James is very good at trivia. Obviously. And I was a little annoyed with myself because I got one wrong that I should have gotten right and mostly he knew the answer is not me. But it was really fun being able to do it together. The music one was the hardest one and neither of us knew like any of the songs so that was frustrating. But the rest of it was really fun and good and I'm really glad we got to do it. And at the end we want a $50 gift card for the fancy restaurant at the top of the hotel. So we're going to get to go on a date together. I'm very excited. And James is only a little tipsy and I like Tipsy James. He's very cute and affectionate.

I went back to the karaoke room to say goodbye. Show Marshall, my boss, my crazy leg bruise and told him what happened. He cursed out loud when I showed him. He was very surprised. And then we all sing one more song. As a group. I just wanted to see Chelsea sing something and then we say goodbye. Chelsea gave me a big hug and told me to keep her updated on my leg. But I'll see her tomorrow. It's fun day for the little kids and we're all helping out in the morning. I'm really glad Chelsea is my co-teacher. I love working with her. But she's also just a really good person and I think we're becoming friends more than just co-workers.

Me and James walked back to my apartment. He took the cheese out of my fridge that he can make dinner and we said goodbye.

I cooked pasta salad for lunch tomorrow and had a couple cookies. I cleaned up and try to play with this expandable rod thing I got. And accidentally cut my hand open. Which is almost worse than when I first open the package earlier and it exploded in my face and almost killed me. Not my best purchase. Very sharp. But I cleaned up and now I'm in bed. Today's been wonderful. I feel confident about my leg and it was a really good school year. And I'm looking forward to a quiet week. Just some BMI days and moving stuff and a good time. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well everybody. Be safe out there. Until next time.

[sagemoderocklee]

I'm curious, since I see your like NaruSai, do you have an headcanons for them?

anon i just want you to know that i am soooo happy you asked for some narusai content! thank youuu!

so from my perspective, naruto is just not someone i can ship with anyone outside of his teammates. like ultimately Sasuke IS the one he’s meant to be with--and y’all know i’m not a fan of soul mate shit but the entire narrative of this series is that they’re soul mates. like naruto constantly chooses sasuke over others, and sasuke is constantly running from naruto because he knows the depth of his feelings... but like despite all this they do have an unhealthy relationship and i think that there’d be a lot of--not even just on again off again but like just so much of that denial and fighting and shit. like for them to get to a place that’s healthy they need to really work at it and i tend to imagine that the only way naruto would date someone else is that between period before he and sasuke have their shit together, or in an awful au where sasuke is like dead or else just never really comes back, where they don’t get their shit together 

anyway, i’m saying a lot of words but my point is that naruto could date and truly love sai or sakura, but sasuke is still his soul mate so it’s always kind of a little sad, kind of a whole lot bittersweet when it comes to naruto and sai (or sakura, though i think sakura it’s a little less bittersweet because they are best friends, they’ve known each other so long, they have a beautiful friendship, but still...) 

so i’m not sure if you were hoping for canon or like modern au but i tend to lean more towards modern au with narusai cause i think that it’s a lot more plausible in that context 

anyway naruto initially cannot stand sai like they end up dormmates in college, and naruto is just Not Feeling It. sasuke hasn’t been in naruto’s life for a good five years or so because Sasuke’s family moved out of Konoha after this whole big drama with Itachi being disowned and Sasuke was REALLY messed up by the whole thing and no one knows what the deal is but it was Not Good. so sasuke basically cuts contact with everyone but ESPECIALLY naruto which is like devastating but naruto can’t really do much about it except try to find sasuke--he constantly checks different social media sites and shit but he’s never had any luck. but what he does remember is sasuke wanting to go to this one specific university (naruto fully does not get accepted to that university). he applies to a bunch of colleges in the area in the hopes that he’ll at least be closer to sasuke

and winds up at the same school as his good friend Rock Lee, so he’s like “oh cool! we should try to room together!” 

and then he shows up on his first day at school and he finds that his roommate is this pasty mother fucker with paint all over his fingers and a shit eating grin on his face and the first thing out of sai’s mouth is “i didn’t realise dumbasses could get into college” which immediately pisses naruto off 

and it doesn’t stop there. sai is always makes comments about how dumb naruto is and about his dick and he’s always got that dumb smile on his face that pisses naruto off endlessly. he doesn’t get sai for the first like two months of living together and he comes very close to murdering sai on a handful of occasions. 

but like sai isn’t actually a shitty person. he’s not trying to be mean he just lived a really sheltered life being homeschooled by his creep of a foster dad who was mean and controlling and never let sai have friends so he’s really just trying to do what he thinks he should do because he watched a bunch of frat boy movies and read some books before college and thinks that he’s just making harmless jokes

he doesn’t exactly stop making fun of naruto but eventually naruto does start to recognize that it’s teasing and not outright malicious. he’s still really confused by sai’s fixation on his junk but he let’s it slide because he’s NOT insecure. once he’s realised that sai’s just really bad at making friends he starts to tease sai back and they settle into a routine 

“i brought you dinner, dick-for-brains,” sai will say, plopping some take out on the counter when naruto’s having one of his late night cram sessions which always always send him into a panic because he hates reading and writing and all of this shit. why did he want to go to college anyways? 

and he’ll open the container to find his favourite ramen because sai always knows when he needs that little pick me up

“i was at the store so i just picked you up some new paint, i saw you were out of black,” naruto says, lobbing a bag at sai’s head. he’d been at the convenience store which is NOT that art store but the art store’s only like... a fifteen minute walk from the convenience store and okay maybe the paint isn’t cheap but sai’s always running out of black paint and naruto knows he cut ties with his shitty foster dad so he knows money isn’t exactly something sai has whereas naruto does have a pretty hefty trust fund from his parents plus he’s always been very good at saving money and he worked a lot in high school. so what if he drops $10 a bottle on the fancy paints sai likes best. it’s what friends do. 

eventually, over the course of rooming together, sai also meets naruto’s friends. lee ended up getting put with this really intense red-head from Suna who according to Lee is ‘actually quite sweet once you get to know him’--Naruto isn’t fooled. he knows a crush on rock lee when he sees one--but not being dormmates hasn’t stopped Lee and naruto from hanging out, so Lee is the first person Sai actually meets in Naruto’s friend group. he immediately makes Lee cry when he makes fun of his looks and Naruto does actually punch sai on the arm hard enough to bruise and sort of squawks at Sai, “DON’T MAKE LEE CRY!” 

sai never ever insults lee ever again. he is in fact overly polite to lee after that. when lee brings gaara to meet naruto and sai, gaara glares at sai a lot. naruto thinks that the feelings might, surprisingly be mutual between gaara and lee. 

after lee and gaara, sai meets sakura. naruto secretly hopes that he insults her just because he’d love to see her sucker punch him--for the comedy--but sai has learned his lesson after lee and is much more gracious upon meeting sakura and her gf ino. sakura goes to a nearby medical school while ino is going to another school studying botany. 

eventually it becomes the norm for the six of them to all get together on friday or saturday nights, either in Naruto and sai’s room or Gaara and Lee’s. Sakura and Ino don’t mind commuting a bit since they both go to different schools. 

over the course of his first six months rooming with sai, naruto is still determined to find sasuke. but it hurts. sometimes sai will find naruto with red puffy eyes and in a somber mood, but naruto never explains why. but it clearly is taking a toll on him. sasuke clearly doesn’t want to be found and naruto hasn’t ever been successful. at some point after their break, when he’s gone back home to see his foster brother Iruka, Naruto’s decided he’s gotta stop. it’s time. 

he also missed sai a lot more than he expected. when he gets back to their dorm he throws the door open, shouting, “honey im home!” and maybe he’s still feeling Not Himself, but he’s excited to see sai

sai didn’t go anywhere for the break so he’s there when naruto gets back, same as ever, painting in the grey winter light coming from the open window. i think he has a sort of epiphany then that sai’s actually kinda cute and he’s fun and naruto’s never cried because of him. it’s not like that clear of course, but there’s a feeling and he just sort of comes into the room, the joking nature of his words contrasting sharply with the weight of all the mulling over sasuke he’d done over the break and he just collapses on sai’s bed and watches him paint quietly

sai glances over at him, confused. “did you finally measure your dick and not like the results?” 

the joke doesn’t land so he knows somethings wrong. he stops painting. naruto can’t look at him. he rolls onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. his chest hurts. 

“have you ever been in love?” naruto asks

sai sets down his paintbrush, getting and leaning over naruto so he’s forced to stare at the entirely deadpan expression on his face as he says, “yes, i’ve had so much experience with romance, being a shut in and all.” 

naruto shoves at sai, but he can’t bring himself to laugh. “it’s not all its cracked up to be-ttebayo” 

“then why do they make so many movies about it?” 

naruto sniffles. he really thought he was done crying over sasuke. he chokes out a laugh. sai throws caution to the wind and climbs into his bed next to naruto. naruto doesn’t normally talk about things when he’s crying and if sai has learned anything it’s that this is a Big Moment. 

“i believe that in this situation, as your friend, i should offer to kick said breaker of your heart’s ass?” 

naruto does laugh, turning over and staring up at sai. “if you can find him, sure. but i wouldn’t worry about it.” 

“i won’t. i’m terrible at fighting. i’d probably just throw paint at him.”

naruto feels warmer having sai there to comfort him. he’s not exactly sure when he moves closer just that eventually he’s practically touching sai and he just feels better. calmer. more centered. he falls asleep in the middle of sai talking about his break which consisted of painting and sometimes meeting gaara for lunch. 

when he wakes up, sai’s asleep, curled around naruto who at some point must have scooted closer because there was definite cuddling. naruto decides to keep sleeping.

somehow, after that, though they never actually talk about it, naruto stops sleeping in his own bed. 

he also stops looking for sasuke. 

and at some point, sai’s teasing is accompanied by kisses

[encantoartdump]

The second anon here, the reason I'm worried about you is the level of self-deprecation you seem to push into the world each time you post. It isn't healthy. Each time you propose an ask game or upload your art, even when you reblog someone else it is the same level of self-demeaning words.

"I know no one will reply to this, not the first time." "Thank you for worrying about me, someone has to" "I'm used to people not caring" etc.

I don't mean to sound like I am psychoanalyzing you, but it really sounds like you need to talk to someone. You are pushing out these self-deprecating words for anyone to react and give attention to you because that is what you feel like you are lacking, you want words of encouragement just like everyone else, but you feel like you need to be hard on yourself to conjure people to say them.

You are loved, and I am sure no one hates you or your artwork. ❤❤

oh this is sweet

Well I don't mind being psychoanalyzed- I do it all the time. I have a psychology background after all

They're not necessarily things to get people to interact- per-say. More or less a way to tell people I'm used to interaction not happening- and not to feel to terribly bad that they don't.

Self-depreciation is a -at least in my case- is a defense mechanism I established from a very young age.

Being the youngest of 8, as well as being a bit of an airheaded artsy unobservant kid. I wasn't paid much mind from my parents and was constantly belittled and mocked by my older siblings. When it came to showing emotion- if I cried- my parents would punish me and they and my siblings would tell me I needed to toughen up, or stop being dramatic. If I got mad- my family would tell me to stop over reacting and stop being stupid. I was only 'allowed' to be happy.

My dad's famous quote that I took to heart and lived by was "If you laugh at yourself, or beat them to the punch. You can never be hurt"

So my siblings went from: "You're over reacting- you're stupid-"

to

Them: Youre- Me: Being dramatic! I was kidding- you should really pay more attention to my facial expressions. Not my fault you don't have a sense of humor! Them: Stop being st-- Me: I'm so stupid! There's no way you'd want to see this comic I took ages to draw up- I shouldn't have ever asked.

and it's simply translated to my online presence.

If I truly did art for views, I'd have stopped ages ago. I usually fade into the ether when I post things, they're neither impressive nor cute enough to catch attention of people. Because theoretically- if artwork has a unique style that's either incredibly cute, or insanely beautiful... more people will view it.

My artwork is just a mimicry of Disney. So. It just looks like...

when people are looking through. It looks like. Well. Art. I guess. LOL

I know my limitations on social interaction, and on social media interaction. So the self-depreciation is more or less making it less impactful when my works that I spent a week or two to draw doesn't get many notes- if any interaction at all.

This also goes for my AO3.

But it's been an ONGOING thing throughout my art career- and let me tell you. I've been doing art for 3 decades ^w^ practically since I could hold a pencil. The constant in that, was the lack of interest. Sure, it makes me sad, but I still draw because I love it.

Same with writing. But to gleam from this- no need to worry about me. I am healthily self-depreciative. As... ironic as that sounds. LOL

But I do appreciate the concern. You're very sweet~

[fletchfeathers]

did a sad post last night and then deleted it bc i’m a coward who can’t be vulnerable on main for more than five minutes if i don’t drown it in humour but here’s an attempt at just … doing it, because keeping it locked up is just burning me up

i am

exhausted

with all of this.

i miss the person who was my best friend but i honestly don’t think they even exist any more - or, maybe, no, that’s not an entirely healthy way to look at it, trying to separate someone into their Before and After like that.

it was the same person who promised me a life together — who said they’d be a fool to give me up in exchange for anything, who said when things looked dark they just imagined us in our house with our daughter and me painting happily in my art room, and seeing me happy and fulfilled was what kept them going — who then went back on all of that. who broke promise after promise and left me in fucking ruins, in pieces, and then expected me to pick up theirs as well as mine.

i am tired and i am devastated and i just want out of this fucking constant cycle of never being enough, of always just being a last fucking resort. i’m tired of having to crawl back to my friends and my partner every time with matches in my hands, ready to set myself on fire for you again and again and again; and they have all done so much for me, more than i probably deserve, but i wish i didn’t have to keep asking.

and maybe one day i’ll stop wondering if the problem is me, and if i’m just that fucking unloveable in the end that the love of my fucking life decided that my heartbreak was worth it if it meant spending a night with someone else, someone who apparently didn’t mean anything to them, but that they would still choose to have in their life over me, or that they would ask to be part of our relationship.

i am tired i am tired i am Tired of putting in the work to make myself better and make myself more resilient only for you to find any way you can to tear that down. i try and put myself first for once and i get slammed with the blame for your mental health being in the ditch; and i assume the worst because you just keep proving me right. being kicked while you’re down this many times makes you flinch at the sight of the boot even if it’s not actively kicking you.

i’m so fucking tired and i’m so fucking angry and i’m so fucking … done with this. the wounds are still so raw and you just keep finding ways to re-open them just when they’re starting to heal and i just can’t do it. i can’t.

i’ll probably delete this one too because i know you check my blog and i'm fuckin' scared of what you'll do with this lmao but god i just. i need. i need it out. i need it out.

fuck.

[danganronpa-imagine-headcanon]

Can i get a matchup?^^ platonic and romantic please :]

I'm a intp-t and a Scorpio, I'm nonbinary but i use a lot of xenogenders and i'm Achillean :]

I love painting, drawing, body paint, drag makeup and baking

I'm not a really healthy person ksiwjsijw i don't like veggies and meat so i just end up eating sweets, my sleep schedule it's horrible and i tend to have extreme mood swings (bpd) 😭🖐️

Sometimes i'm super mean with people I don't know because i'm scared of the lol, but when I just trust someone enough i'm super clingy (and they end up leaving me ._.)

Sorry if it's too mucho :'

I love your blog <3

I romantically match you with Tenko Chabashira!

Tenko would be interested in whatever you were passionate about, so if you liked painting, drawing, etc, she would be happy to see whatever you had created! She would let you do body paint on her, if you wished, drawing things on her face with facepaint. She finds it kind of fun, actually!

Tenko would try to make you eat a little healthier, like putting vegetables in brownies, or reminding you to drink enough water. Your health is important, after all! Yet, a little sweet things are okay. She’ll sneak cookies into your room sometimes, and honestly? It’s quite an amusing sight.

She would try to do things to help you feel more at ease and sleep easier. Staying well-rested is essential! She’d be happy to cuddle you, remind you to put your phone up, or anything else you needed.

Your mood swings don’t bother her, and she can handle them quite well. She’ll try and comfort you if you were sad and understand where you’re coming from if you’re angry (it’s okay if you don’t have a particular reason!).

Tenko understands being cautious around other people. While she doesn’t consider herself mean, she most certainly doesn’t trust people easily. She’s also clingy, so... takes one to know one, I guess!

Overall, Tenko and you would be good for each other, because you would both put a lot of effort into knowing you are both appreciated and loved. There would be a constant want to understand each other, and also be there when you’re down. It makes you two perfect for each other.

I platonically match you with Mikan Tsumiki!

Mikan likes seeing your art! She finds it very unique, and adorable whenever she sees it. She’d allow you to draw on her whenever you wanted, and draw whatever you saw fit! If she can make you happy, she’d love to.

Mikan would give you light reminders to drink enough water. She would also try giving you things that taste good, yet are high in nutrients, like yogurt, homemade granola, and other things of the sort.

She would be happy to try and guide you into a healthier sleep schedule, reminding you that getting enough sleep is beneficial for your health. She wouldn’t mind giving you medicine to fall asleep, or adjusting the brightness on your device! She wants to help you.

Your mood swings aren’t something that bother her. She understands it has a cause, and if you ever needed her, she’s always going be right there for you!

Mikan completely knows the feeling of not trusting others, and she’s alright with that. She could try and help you trust others easier, and you could help her not be so willing to do whatever they wished. She’s also definitely clingy, and would never leave you!

Overall, Mikan would be a great friend for you because you would support and help each other grow. You would gain things from the friendship equally, and always be kind to the other. That’s certainly important in a friendship!

hey anon! thank you for sending in the request. i’m glad you enjoy my blog! i hope you are happy with your matchups! if not, then you can absolutely send in another request :D have a nice day!

-Mod Kirumi

[boardbysara]

If this is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

I was doing so good, but today was one of those days where I randomly got sad about the handyman and shed a few tears.

This whole time since we stopped seeing each other, I've been hastily trying to shorten and eliminate the time that I've spent sad about him, because we women get kudo points for not "wasting" any time being sad over a man. Screw him, right? He wasn't worth it anyway. Or so they say.

There is a pervasive cultural movement happening that says you should not want love.

It's all about self-love. You should not need another person in order to be fulfilled.

There's an author on Instagram with 1.1M followers who is publishing an entire book on how you should not be seeking to make your "home" with anyone else but instead inside yourself. That trying to find or make your "home" in someone else is what leads to pain.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love will always cause you pain. But I do not care how much self-love you have, you will never find any way around that.

If you do, you are not actually loving at all.

And remaining unto yourself such that you never venture bravely into love is death for the soul. COVID-19 has taught us that.

That aforementioned author's forthcoming book is about how to build your home within yourself.

I have built a home within myself. It's where I derive personal fulfillment and contentment, and it's filled with art. It's my visual art, it's my writing, it's my singing, it's my cute outfits, it's my cooking, it's my interior decorating, it's my appreciation for wildlife and nature, it's the way I smile when I go outside to feel the fresh air on my skin. There's so much inside my personal internal home - which is really just my heart.

And I understand this concept of "building your home within yourself' from that point of view - of cultivating fulfillment and contentment on a personal level that doesn't require anyone else, so that when other people let you down, you still have something solid to rely on and turn to. You're not losing yourself.

I get it.

But there is such a danger in this self-love rhetoric that this author and others touting the self-love message don't recognize they are sending which is the message "Don't need anyone. Needing people is bad. Needing people will hurt you. Do not give your heart to others. Protect yourself at all costs."

This underlying message is so incredibly damaging.

This message keeps relationships of any kind at an arm's length and we need intimacy to survive.

You can cultivate personal fulfillment and contentment all you want. You can genuinely appreciate and love yourself and all of your amazing qualities until the cows come home.

But we need people, and we need them close.

PSA: You can have close intimate relationships without massive amounts of pain or co-dependence or losing yourself and your "home" - by using and maintaining BOUNDARIES, people! Boundaries! The concept has been around for decades and yet some people have never heard of them, with MOST people never learning how to use them (sadly.) And that's probably why these incredibly hurtful messages exist.

Because these people who didn't have boundaries got hurt. They retreated, they felt better, and now they are preaching that retreating is the best.

Retreating after emerging from situations in which you got really hurt because you didn't have boundaries will help you feel better. It will help you heal. It can help you cultivate fulfillment within yourself, and it can help you discover the magic of boundaries.

But if you never venture back out into the world of close and intimate relationships you will NEVER heal completely and be 100%.

Want to know why?

Because relationships are how our value is reflected back to us.

We can estimate our own value in our heads and our hearts through cultivating self-fulfillment and contentment all we want, but it will never be enough on it's own because humans inherently need two things to survive and feel true joy:

We need to share all of that love, value, and worth that we've cultivated and appreciated inside of ourselves, and

We need to have our the value that we've personally estimated reflected back to us by other people. Because if it's not, then deep down it always only feels like just a guess. An estimate. An approximation. And you're never really sure.

It's the way you feel when someone greets you with a really big smile and enthusiastic hello - you immediately feel like you hold value.

HUMANS NEED THAT, and COVID has proven it.

Because we've all been going out of our minds with this never-before-experienced deprivation of it.

And P.S., mental health and suicide rates have skyrocketed as a result ESPECIALLY in places where talking about how you're struggling is frowned upon (Japan) - where's it's frowned upon to admit that you need people.

Just like the "self-love" preachers frown upon it.

I have built a beautiful "home" of fulfillment and contentment and self-love and appreciation within myself. But I live alone and now work from home and I realized today (before finding the IG profile of little miss "build your house inside yourself") that even though I have done much better in terms of sustained mental health and functioning than many other people in my situation, I really haven't been feeling like myself - and the reason I don't feel like myself is because I haven't had as much social interaction and therefore have not had the usual intake of my worth being reflected back to myself.

Interacting with people makes me feel better about myself. It boosts my confidence.

(And remember ladies, men love confidence!)

So I've decided two things:

I'm going to wait to date again until my life has returned a little bit more "back to normal" - or, i.e., until I've had time to start living in my new normal - meaning, I've resume in-person interactions (some scheduled to start soon, and others not scheduled to start until June.) I need time to regain that confidence boost and to feel normal again. And this has nothing to do with not loving myself enough!!!

Wanting love and being in intimate relationships in which we give of ourselves is NOT WRONG, IT IS ESSENTIAL!!!!!!!!! I officially rebuke the underlying messages of self-love that tell us that we are wrong for wanting someone else to love us! It does NOT mean that you don't love yourself (as I am 100% certain that I do and 100% capable of being fulfilled by myself and my own magic) and you should too! Just do it with healthy boundaries! And mine have gotten a lot stronger since the handyman, mind you. If nothing else, he was a really strong lesson in healthy boundaries.

Stop feeling bad for wanting love. Stop hiding from people. Stop being a recluse. Stop retreating. Heal, build your personal fulfillment, build your boundaries, and then go back out into the world because you won't survive and TRULY heal until you do.

I've checked all the "self-love" boxes, and I still want love from another human in a romantic context.

Stop believing that it's wrong to need affirmation of your value from other human beings. WE ALL DO. And the only people writing all of that self-love crap pretending that they DON'T are people who are not realizing that the only reason they think they don't is because they are already getting it.

You cannot live without people. You cannot live without love. You cannot live without other people telling you they love you.

None of this is wrong - it is absolutely normal.

Please stop believing that you're doing something wrong by being normal.

You do you. Not what misguided IG preachers tell you to.

(P.S. The best way to do you is to spend quiet time meditating and reflecting on what YOU like/want/need/etc. - which requires turning off all the noise including IG.)

[mental-health-advice]

I've been stressed (and maybe having anxiety) for about a month, on and off, somedays it just doesn't show, others are a bit harder to handle. I've gotten some bad news (aka bad grades) on thursday and I spent the whole weekend crying. Friday wasn't a good day, saturday was a fine day (about 80% good, was feeling normal but a bit weird) but today (sunday) I woke up super sad. I cried a lot and now I'm feeling normal, not sad at all. What can I do when I wake up sad?

Hi love,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much lately.

School creates an enormous amount of stress for students which can obviously cause issues with self-esteem and the like. Try to take at least a couple of hours away from work everyday and fill that time with things you enjoy, like maybe baking, or exercise? Whatever it is, it is necessary to give yourself a break from the pressure of school and allow yourself to recharge with some positive energy. It is key to take breaks when studying too, otherwise you will begin feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Professors recommend that you should only study for 60-90 minutes at a time, taking at least 10 minutes break in between (take longer off if you need to!). In that free time try to do something that doesn’t involve too much brain power but preferably involves being active; maybe going downstairs and making a cup of tea, dace around your bedroom to your favourite song. Please do try to remember that your health and happiness always come before your education – you are more important than some grades here.

It is also important to note that these symptoms may be caused by some form of mental health condition. We are not professionals so we cannot diagnose you, and we discourage self diagnosis for the reasons listed here, but these are two very common symptoms of depression; anxiety is often related to depression and it is common to suffer from both. Do you think any of the following symptoms apply to you too?

Persistently sad, anxious, or empty moods

Loss of pleasure in usual activities

Fatigue or decreased energy

Sleep disturbances

Change in appetite or weight

Thoughts of suicide or death, or suicide attempts

Poor self-image or self-esteem

(source)

If you feel you relate to any of the above symptoms then a good step would be to speak to a professional, such as your doctor or a therapist. They will be able to help with a diagnosis, if applicable, and will start treatment with you. They will also help you to begin understanding what is causing these feelings, or lack of, and hopefully give you so coping mechanisms which you can apply to your daily life. I know reaching out for help can be really scary, but you deserve all of the help available to you, lovely. Here is a link to our page about getting help. Professionals are there to help you in any way they can, they won’t judge you, or make you do or tell them anything you don’t want to.

I’m just wondering if you have considered talking to any of your teachers about the stress you are experiencing and anything that you think they may be able to do to help? I find it helpful to remember that it is completely up to you how much you decide to share with the person you choose to disclose information to; so you could just tell them that you are struggling a little with motivation, or just struggling due to personal circumstances. Or you could choose to tell them everything. It is completely up to you, and for me that definitely helps me feel a little more in control! When it comes to actually talking to someone, maybe it is best to first talk to the teacher that you trust the most and feel most comfortable with - after that they may be able to help you discuss things with other staff and help you start getting measures put in place.  If you are worried about saying things aloud and forgetting things that you want to say, you could always write down everything that you think is important such as symptoms, feelings, thoughts you are having. Then you can either use it as a way to remind yourself of the things you want to say, or you could just give it to your teacher for them to read; it just helps to take some of the pressure off your shoulders. However, I also completely understand if this is not something that you want to share with anyone at your educational facility, there is no pressure to do so!

To answer your question about what to do when you are feeling sad, this will be different for everyone, but it is all about doing things that make you feel a sense of achievement and happiness. So sometimes for me, if I wake up feeling really sad and my house is untidy, I will spend time cleaning the house, and whilst cleaning itself can be therapeutic, seeing the end result of a nice tidy helps me to feel proud of something I have done. Similar to this, you could write out a list of all the things you like about yourself and things that you are proud of like achievements etc; once you have this list, try to carry it with you at all times, then whenever you are feeling sad you can look at this list and see all of the fantastic things about yourself which will hopefully help to raise your spirits. Next is to make sure you are taking good care of yourself. So this involves things like staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, and eating healthily. Personally I do think there is a certain amount of truth to the saying ‘healthy body, healthy mind’ – if you are already feeling a bit low due to not taking the time to look after yourself, it is likely that it will make your anxious and negative thoughts worse. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself and fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and happy. For example, I take a couple of hours before I head to bed and I like to fill that time with art and music; I also use that time to look after my skin and hair just so I physically feel a little better. Also making plans with your friends could be really beneficial; sometimes when we feel sad we just want to be alone but this can make us feel more alone and isolated.

Journalling - writing about your day and taking the time to reflect on the things you have done can be a great way to help you recognise the good impact you are having in peoples lives, in turn improving your own self worth and happiness. Something I also encourage is every day, when you write in your journal, is to finish the following sentences:

1) Today I accomplished…2) I felt proud because…3) I felt good about myself when…

I know it can sound a little silly but many of us forget to give ourselves credit for the little things we do each day, and it can be really beneficial to take the time to acknowledge them when we are trying to improve happiness. Another little thing you can try is getting your friends and family to help you to write a list of all the reasons that they love you and that you are a good person; keep the list, make it pretty, and look at it everyday to remind yourself that you have so much worth and goodness in you!

Something I really want to make clear, is that you always come before education! Your health is so much more important than some grades. You can be incredibly successful with or without a degree, and you can be successful if you get 100% or 0% on an exam - success is more about your passion and drive for your career than about a few letters on a piece of paper. You are going to get so far in life, lovely, and I will be here cheering you on all the way! Your grades do not define you!

I hope this has been of some help and reassurance to you, love. Please don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else that we can help you with. 

‘‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’‘

Take care,

Rhiann xo