#because i still dont know if im in remission so i dont know what my health treatment looks like this year i don't know what to expect

[lupismaris]

Planning travel is just a big old song and dance of "okay I know I'm poor, chronically disabled, and beholden to the man but this is a smidge ridiculous"

[josephtrohman]

As the president of the joe trohman nation, do you have any favorite joe era?

in short, the answer is yes! BUT with some caveats/technically i have THREE answers to this question even. i mean there is an answer i give for what is my singular favourite but i am a deeply annoying person, so... AND im also gonna put pics from the eras for fun bc any excuse to look at my fav joe pics. sorry anon if you didnt expect this level of answer but i am the president after all (put under the cut cuz. yeah)

so. first things first. if i had to narrow it down to just ONE era of joe as my favourite, it would be infinity on high era for sure. especially pre-beard, but with beard is great too.

some of my fav pre-beard joe looks ^ (HIM IN THE THNKS FR TH MMRS MV ESPECIALLY MY GAWDDDD THATS MY HUSBAND ON OUR WEDDING DAY FR. ok sorry)

BUT OBVIOUSLY. BEARDED IOH ERA ^ IS SO SO FUCKING FINEEEEE AS WELL god. (and the look he had at the 2007 vmas my gawddd you know the one). middle picture makes me crazy especially, red plaid and bi colours hat iykyk, n it’s currently my pfp on twt ;3

infinity on high era has been my fav for soooo sooo long, and it was definitely a crisis moment for me when i turned 23 and was like 😀 oh im older than joe was in this era. great. but even despite that i think it still will continue to be my fav era prob forever <3 (and of course unfortunately my feelings get a little bit complex about this era because of what we know from joe's book, knowing what he was struggling with. but i dont wanna get into that lmao...but at the same time i had to acknowledge the elephant in the room)

ok. so. like i said if i had to give one answer, the above would be mine <3 BUT heres some other thoughts i have.

my CURRENT fav joe era is 2009 post-haircut bearded joe (as maybe evidenced by my pfp). MY GAWD. MY GAWD. as a 24-almost-25-year-old, I DESERVE A 24-ALMOST-25-YEAR-OLD JOE.

not to mention how much they were putting fake blood/injuries on this man in bnd pt 2 tour!!! crazy!!!!!!!

okay and then my third answer is not just in terms of looks (although my god.....my god) but i would be remiss to not mention CURRENT ERA JOE AS FAV. because he's out here being sexy as hell, playing music with his friends, having fun, looking hot, being dilfy, so on and so forth... (this includes tourdust/2ourdust but since i saw joe in person at ayf it rewired something in my brain cuz he’s soooo fucking hot in person, so 2 ayf pics, and then also the first one the pic before download that Also rewired my brain 😵‍💫). also since they’re really new still here’s middle pic source and right pic source

OKAY AND THEN ONE HONOURABLE MENTION, late 2015 joe is so so special to me bc 2 of my fav pics joe of alllll time (prob both in my top 5 at least) come from then<3 here r the pics

was that a needlessly long winded answer to ur relatively simple question? yes for sure but i hope u enjoyed lovely anon <3

[system-of-a-feather]

Tagging @syscurse with this cause they seem to have more awareness of the final fusion "discourse" and I dont have a thesis statement or any real argument here beyond just casual discussion nor do I know if Im "strawmanning" cause I havent actually seen much of it since M&M's final fusion backlash (+ Im not trying to argue, just share thoughts)

But the common line of "Final Fusion isnt even worth it / isnt even good because you can always resplit" and what not is honestly fucked up and problematic to say in regards to a healing method but on a personal level didnt so much have anything to compare it to in order to highlight it

But as someone who has been working with OCD longer than DID and final fusion, its kind of like saying "Trying to resist / be free from doing your compulsions isn't even worth it because you can always get new compulsions or relapse, even if you free yourself from all the ones you have now, its not like itll stay that way"

Cause - and Im not sure how many chronic long term OCD folks are out there - but for cases like mine where its "high functioning" (ie constant but due to how its done it doesnt impact my day to day as much as it should) and long long long deeply rooted and untreated, a valid settling place for healing is to just integrate and adjust the compulsions to be less intrusive and focus on navigating obsessions and intrusive thoughts better

For some it might just not be worth the time and effort to actually fully stop all the compulsions entirely because - in our case - there are too many, its too deeply rooted in trauma and other disorders, and so reinforced that to do so would be a SHIT ton of work whereas usually we actually are pretty functioning

So if we were to put the community aspect the DID community has onto the OCD "community" then one could say there is "full remission" and "functional OCD" as recovery goals.

And as someone whose happily settled in functional OCD and currently really isnt seeking out full remission (as that would probably be after final fusion) its completely valid to say "Im happy with this level".

Much like DID and splitting though, the OCD brain even after healing is still a brain physically wired in an OCD way and inevitably you are always going to be prone to developing obsessions and compulsions. Does that mean working on freeing yourself from the ones you currently have is pointless? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Even if you have two weeks, two months, two years, twenty years, forty years and then "relapse" or whatever it is and end up gaining new obsessions / compulsions or splitting a new alter, obtaining that period of ideal and desired healing is an amazing thing.

Healing has ups and downs and works like a tide for almost every disorder and every version of healing. Its not a special thing about DID or final fusion, heck the claim could be made with functional multiplicity and dissociative symptoms and barriers coming back

Idk man, Im mostly rambling thoughts but TLDR healing is a rollercoaster, sometimes its a Disneyland ride sometimes its Six Flags, but there are ups and downs regardless of the disorder and version of healing for an individual and I really think its a bit of a negative nancy and a thought coming from a place of not understanding later stages of healing from people not quite there yet

Anyways, just rambles open mic to anyone who wants to ramble back

[sparkedblaze]

YES SAD FACE BECAUSE NO ONES BACKING JACK UP NOT EVEN MIDTOWN OR THE EASTSIDE

I was just wondering what newsies blogs you know!

RAARARRRRR

I HAVE MADE MANY A FRIEND IN MY FEW WEEKS ACTUALLY POSTING INSTEAD OF JUST LURKING

(I’m sorry in advance for unwanted tags)

@emmedoesntdomath gets mentioned first bc she and I did a whole series thing on her blog with her newsies hc

@noxexistant is an icon and an amazing artist and goes feral for content (esp Delancey content)

@raggedy-albert also goes feral for content (though their special blorbo is Albert) and posts the BEST incorrect quotes

@newsie-collective Is doing many a newsie study on their blog. P cool. Check it out.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the fansies mom @crystallizedtwilight she’s like the Medda of the real world

Uh…

Uh…

I DONT REMEMBER KADENS ACTUAL TUMBLR BUT KADEN MAKES THE BIRDSIES

I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE OTHER DEVICES HOLD ON

@stocksonromance <-KADEN DRAWS BIRDSIES AND I LOVE THEM. GRAAAARARARR

THERE ARE OTHERS THAT I DON’T INTERACT WITH AS OFTEN BUT STILL SHOW ON MY FEED AND SOMETIMES ILL LURK ON THEIR BLOGS

@jack-kellys HAS AMAZING ART AND HCS. DID I MENTION THE ART?! BC THE ART IS SO FKING GOOD DUDE

@we-are-inevitable JAC (IM SORRY THAT YOUR NAME IS THE ONLY ONE I REMEMBER BC WHEN I FIRST FOUND TOUR BLOG ‘JAC NO K’ WAS PART OF YOUR BIO AND I WAS LIKE WTF???) ALSO HAS AMAZING HCS

@kellyscowboy DOES A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING (AND ALSO HAS A POST ON THEIR BLOG WITH NEWSIES BLOGS THAT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN THAT I HAVENT GOTTEN TO LOOK AT) AND THEYRE AMAZING

I HAVENT TALKED TO ALL THAT MANY OTHER PEOPLE BUT THEY SHOULD GET YOU OFF YOUR FEET IF YOU’RE NEW HERE

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[loganisanobody]

so i sent this to a friend but i want to share my thoughts (and maybe hear any of yours?)...

ok so let me know if this is like "duh" but ive been thinking about a couple things that nagged at me from hadestown.

one is the fates, cuz they seemed incredibly antagonistic, kind of playing devils advocate but p much only when the person was actually hopeful. but i think its not so much that these chars are haunted by three ladies intent on their doom, the fates are representing the person's inner thoughts, doubts, fears, turmoil. it comes back to the point in wait for me reprise, that the biggest battle, the *decider of fate* is the battle in your head. these are the fates but its showing that these inner battles are what decides the outcome of the story.

another thing that bothered me was hey little songbird. like, i cant make sense of hades coming to specifically bring eurydice to hadestown. and the whole songbird thing has a sort of connotation that, after epic iii and his line "if you dont even want my love I'll give it to someone who does", really made me confused about his intentions with coming for her. but, and im less sure on this than the fates thing, but i wonder if its symbolic again. its not hades coming for her, its despair. they kind of hint at various points leading up to this that eurydice has longed for death (maybe not in a suicidal way but we dont know for sure) and up to this point has been surviving on spite and (at least for a short time) on love or devotion for orpheus. but this storm, this winter, was especially hard, and i think even more especially because she feels a disconnect with orpheus that makes her worry. so despair and doubt come in and she gives in to them. hades is there as a personification of those thoughts and feelings because he as a char is *drowning* in those feelings. and the fates represent doubts and thoughts, yes, but to willingly die is something very deep and scary and is not just thoughts but *emotions* and so it makes sense to separate this scene from the other inner turmoils this way.

im still not quite sure about the... its not flirting, but something less playful that idk what to call it.

if im right about the symbolism, its not hades himself going after eurydice, its just exemplifying how enticing this idea is to eurydice. id be remiss to mention the phrase "flirting with death". but its also, like, she has a choice between her love orpheus, or the idea of safety/security/being taken care of, in that being dead she doesnt have to worry about suffering anymore (as far as she knows). and what better way to personify this than to portray this idea as a "lover" to rival what her actual love? its almost a classic tale of true love versus marrying for security.

[raincamp]

7 - 19 - 23

why is being mentally ill so fucking expensive???

i've been really stressed about money recently. and i hate it because im only 19 right, i shouldn't be worrying about how to pay back thousands of dollars in medical debt, i haven't even made my first rent payment in my life yet.

my insurance decided to deny coverage for my hospital stay earlier this month after i attempted. i have to pay thousands for an ambulance, for the days they kept me over my allotted insured days, for the stay at the hospital where they evaluated me, and i can't get any help because im still on my parents insurance, and they dont want to help me pay for my treatment anymore.

(TW for suicidal ideation and bad hospital experiences)

after my insured days were up, i begged the fucking doctors at the psychiatric hospital not to keep me longer, not only because they were COMPLETELY unequipped to handle treating my BPD beyond sedating me everytime i had an episode, but also because it was $600 a day that i had to pay out of pocket (+ extra fees for meds etc). and you know what the doctor said? "you're still reporting passive suicidal ideation, i dont feel comfortable sending you home."

yeah, of course i have passive ideation, i'm fucking borderline, that's literally one of my symptoms, one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM. you think you can put my BPD into remission in two weeks?

i have good treatment at home, i go to group weekly, have one on one dbt, get phone coaching with my therapist, but this fucking doctor wouldn't let me go, and after spending almost a week begging her, she finally agreed to IF i signed an ROI for my parents. that manipulative bitch

i dont tell my parents the details of my treatment for a reason. you can probably imagine how that went down when i got home.

anyway, that's neither here nor there. today I've been feeling like i am completely unable to survive in this society. i can't manage to get myself to go to work consistently, despite the fact that i get paid decently and want to. last week was the first week since i was employed in april that i went to work everyday.

i called in today. i just cant fucking do it. work takes everything out of me. i come home and sleep 12 hours because im exhausted, and if i have the time i can sometimes convince myself to make food before i leave for work again. i dont have time for hobbies, i dont have time to enjoy anything, getting to see friends means being sleep deprived, i don't even have time to take care of myself. calling in sick is me giving myself time to fucking shower and eat a meal and clean my room and possibly even do something relaxing so i don't drown in stress.

now that im drowning in medical bills— among the rent and electricity bills i will have to start paying next month when i move out, along with the debt im in for my car— being unable to go to work consistently feels like a death sentence. and honestly, yeah, i am considering death so that i dont have to worry about this shit anymore. because obviously me with my chronic mental illnesses— that even if they do manage to go into remission, will make me a slave to the healthcare system in the process— are not meant to thrive in this society.

i cant fucking do it. not right now- and if I can't right now while im in a stable living situation, then i certainly wont be able to when the roof over my head is dependent on whether or not i can get myself out of bed everyday.

its bullshit that im considering killing myself over medical bills at 19.

- andrew

[tyhi]

How about 1,3,8, and 32?

thanks for asking!

1. how old were you when you found out you're autistic?

well i suspected/kinda knew a long time ago like when i was a teenager, but i didn't really take it seriously bc i didn't understand what it would mean for me at all. but i started seriously looking into it about 1,5 years ago and got an official diagnosis soon after that.

3. any comorbities?

i guess probably ADHD (though i feel the AuDHD combo might as well be its very own thing) plus maybe depression(i feel ok but it's complicated), brain fog, anxiety, I'm actually "out of the norm" on many personality test scores but not diagnosed with any (if i were it would be PDNOS)

in general i dont really think of myself as mentally ill anymore though. i don't suffer because of my mental health, even though I'm disabled and unable to work. maybe the anxiety does bother me a bit but it also keeps me on track in a way.

oh i also have hypermobility, POTS(self diagnosed) and autoimmunity (hypothyroid) which involves many food sensitivities, the likely root cause being mold toxicity.

8. special interests?

hmmm.... i don't have any that im currently really fixated on, haven't for a while, but some of my most recent(from the past couple years) fixations are still around in less-intense form: tarot and divination, spirituality and god, nutrition - thank god i had this one take over my life for a while bc that's the only way i could get my autoimmune disease in remission and I'm currently not on meds yeehaw.

gardening is an interest of mine, i have a large(680m2) community garden plot. this spring, before i could actually do stuff in the garden, i was pretty fixated on watching gardening content. now the garden is in full swing, im just focused on keeping it tidy(ish). doing more of a no-dig/permaculture type thing this year. grew my own tomato, chili and physalis plants for the first time. very exciting, even though they aren't exactly comparable to professionally grown plants, they're Mine.😍

sometimes i like to watch TES4 oblivion (video game) videos also cuz its a childhood favorite and i replayed it over the winter. i enjoy how thoroughly documented the game is lol ppl know every detail of how it works.

32. samefoods?

I eat oatmeal with crushed linseeds and buckwheat every morning. I set it to soak the night before for the phytic acid to get deactivated (that's what the buckwheat is for bc oats dont have a lot of phytase)

sometimes i add seeds and nuts, or vanilla extract hehe, or carob powder. i don't like it to be quite Exactly the same every day.

other than that, i eat a lot of lentils, sometimes just with oil+seasoning, sometimes i eat a lot of rice too. i love rice noodles (im gluten free so that's why those specifically.)

i tend to have short bursts of wanting a certain food every day. then i get my fill or its not on sale anymore or i run out and i move on. i think that's not exactly samefood but i feel like maybe it's like an AuDHD version of samefood.

[bumblebaubles]

the taylor swift vs billionares should not exist debate is actually quite compelling

while i get most people have a surface level understanding of 

- billionares usually only make that musch profit off of not paying the people who work with them enough

-general wealth inequality sucking away resources from people who need them

its remiss to not acknowledge billionares who run conglomerates that have a monopoly over a resource people need are not the same as billionares who have extreme buying power over a luxury that is not a necessity to life. 

considering so much of the fodder around this recent news is her making this much money off of music as her main revenue i started mulling it over in my head and started to remember just how shit the music industry treats artists in general. if she were to accomplish this i hate to say it, it would be a real feat. artists are usually the LAST people to make money off of their music. the music industry is so inherently exploitive towards artists its genuinely compelling seeing as to how she made so much off of music. so naturally i have questions. 

even though taylor has been well off for a while the as far as ive read the money she makes off of albums and streams is still split between publishing, manufacturing, production yadda yadda. Not to mention she was able to do something few artists are able to do, which is being able to profit of of her intellectual property with trademarks etc. while shes faced backlash for being too money hungry for demanding streaming services like apple music take less money off of artists streams and “excessive” trademarking of her ideas thats also a huge chunk of her money and i dont think ive seen a compelling (what she did with apple music and trademarking really can be seen as fair considering an artist should own their work and make a liveable earning fro.m it) argument for these streams of revenue being exploitative. if the music industry were fair, more artists would be able to live off of their music. taylors in a very rare but good position in this aspect. ((not to mention she doesnt even own her masters. her remaking her old albums is an expensive,,, expensive endeavor but the sales came through))

we dont know exactly how much the people she works with get paid either? im not sure if theres info on how much the people she writes with or how much her producers make off the songs they release with her. Industry standard would be considered exploitive because like i stated before m o s t money off of streams and album sales dont go to the creators it goes to the publishers and whoever has the licensing. then the singer, writers and producers are the last to get paid off of the music they create. so is the distribution of those profits equal? cant say.

ive seen but havent confirmed that her merchandise is made in china which would be a red flag if i can confirm it. Artists usually make most of their profit off of merchandising and touring. BUT i’ll stop myself here because we dont know how the profits for the tour will be split yet.  

if anyone has any extra info to fill in the gaps pls let me know im scratching my head rn

[thevampirelestat]

tagged by @i-want-my-iwtv to share 9 movies i enjoy/rec:

Interview With the Vampire (1994) - starting with the obvious choice because this is a VC blog after all. IWTV is without a doubt my favorite movie of all time, and i'm sure i dont have to justify that to my followers... is it perfect? no. have i watched a million fucking times and do i know all the lines by heart? yes. i could go on for hours and hours about it, but i wont. 69/10 would highly rec for all my dramatic gays out there who haven't seen it xoxoxo

Alien (1979) - not only do i have a big fat crush on sigourney weaver, but the xenomorph can get it too... on a serious note, i almost chose Aliens (1986) instead, because that movie has more rewatch-ability than its predecessor (which is something i really value in a movie), but the suspense and drama of the original is unparalleled. its a masterclass in narrative build up with a perfectly satisfying ending 100/10, in space no one can hear you in space

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) - i put off watching this movie for a really long time even though i knew i was gonna love it. which i did. it was instantly a favorite of mine despite being a bit dated in some ways, but ultimately watching this movie inspired me to watch NBC Hannibal as well, which became one of my favorite shows of all time, so there's that. unlike IWTV, it's actually a near perfect movie and i don't just love it for the homoerotic aspects (because there aren't any... that's the show's jurisdiction), but because it's genuinely well written. 1 billion/10, if you say you dont wanna fuck hannibal lecter youre lying

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) - realistically, i think that two towers is the best in the LOTR trilogy, but i chose fellowship because it's a comfort movie for me. when im in a bad place emotionally, i always know that the shire scenes will put me in a good mood. i also love the transition from the happy peace of the shire to the dark turmoil of the journey to destroy the ring. and orlando bloom can get it of course... 19/19 rings of power

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) - i actually adore musicals, so i wanted to include at least one on this list. i chose rocky horror because of a few reasons: the music is always stuck in my head, tim curry in drag, it's a cult classic, and because its an allegory for the short life and death of glam rock, which i find really inspired and unique of the people who made it. ∞/10, lets do the time warp again

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) - speaking of orlando bloom... of all the POTC movies, this is the only one that's actually well written btw lol. it's also another one of my comfort movies and my bi awakening, because i have a crush on EVERYONE IN IT. really it's just a fun time and, honestly, a pretty original script when you think about it. i loved it at 8 years old, and i still love it at 27 years old, 27/10

What We Do in the Shadows (2014) - another obvious choice for this blog. i rec this movie to everyone i think has a similar sense of humor to me; i love the dry, flat new zealander humor, that its easy to digest, and that its about silly vampires. 420/10 because its the weed number and i haven't used it yet

Jurassic Park (1993) - this was my favorite movie growing up, so i felt it would be remiss of me not to include it on the list. for a really long time i wanted to be a paleontologist, and watching this movie only fueled that fire. ultimately i decided to go to school for archaeology instead, but it was a near thing and i really only made that decision 100% in the last few years. anyway dinosaurs are sick af, need i say more? 10/10, no jokes, just dinosaurs murdering people for their hubris

The Descent (2005) - i'm really picky about horror movies. most mainstream horror that other people love, i find uninteresting and not at all scary. so whenever someone asks me to rec a horror movie that actually scares me, this is the one i go with. there is a monster in the film, but more than that i think the psychological aspects are really what get to me personally. id extrapolate on that a bit more, but i don't want to spoil it for anyone interested, so that's all i'll say. -/10 too stressful to rate

anyway, since i was limited to 9 movies, i'm gonna put an honorable mention section here for some that didn't make it to the list: - the original star wars trilogy (1977-1983) - nightcrawler (2014) - harry potter and the chamber of secrets (2002) - hairspray (2007) - indiana jones and the raiders of the lost arc (1981) - ginger snaps (2000) - blade runner (1982) - sweeney todd: the demon barber of fleet street (2007) - zodiac (2007) - girl, interrupted (1999) - grease (1978) and many, many more...

no tags because i'm selfish and lazy ;) anyone that wants to do it is free to say i tagged them though

[jonphaedrus]

having a terrible pain day because i got fucked by hormones (who wants this shit anyway) so im high as a goddam kite. here is a post to update tumblr on my cats. i sometimes post photos of them @ jonphaedrusao3 on twitter.

[id: photo of my somewhat messy bedroom. laundry is hanging. there are four cats visible. on top of the dresser is lucina (colloq. “the duck”) a long-haired munchkin mix of some variety. she has both her paws stuck out of two beds. on a large green chair is leo, his feet stretched out, looking like a weasel. on the sheet part of the bed is larsa, an extremely small for some reason seal lynx point persian in a grown-out teddybear cut. on the blanket is zelos, an orange tabby persian, also in a teddybear cut. larsa has his belly and paws in the air. zelos looks like a banana]

four cats! four cats. how are our four cats? hairy. leo is at 9mo remission with his cancer and doing great especially because his immunotherapy has been amazing and now he can go outside and go on walks and i cannot stress to you enough how much this cat fucking LOVES WALKS. the duck has decided that the kittens are not only fine but she likes them? she plays gallop gallop chase with them a lot. she’ll even let them sit next to her and sleep on the cat tree at the same time as her. and let them eat nearby her without having to attempt to skin them alive.

zelos is hilariously large and hilariously hollow. there’s not a thought in this creature’s head. he figured out “up” in january. he has not a single tooth because he decided they were evil and had to have them all removed. he has so much anxiety he has to be on anxiety medication or his fears of ??????????? cause him to stop being able to pee. we do not understand anything that happens in his skull but i can tell you he loves. he loves So Much. he still goes “honk honk” and sometimes “worm?” but we also don’t know why he does that, either. his paws are gigantic. leo has crate trained him......somehow.

larsa is ludicrously small. we dont understand why he’s so small and zelos is so big. they’re brothers??? he goes “weem! weem!” and “eeb! deeb!” and he is oBSESSED with water. bathtub? sink? toilet? dishwasher? you name it he wants to be in it while it’s wet. he will SHRIEK EEB DEEB DEEB DEEB if you dont let him be. the duck has taught him the concept of “comb tax on top of toilet” but he gets too excited and falls off the toilet if you do it too much. he’s a year old on june 1st! i dont know why he’s so small.

[id: photo of leo in the garden in the sun. he looks particularly majestic in the light all his fur is very pretty. he is on a leash and a harness.]

[id: photo of the corner of the living room. leo is standing on the floor at the bottom of the frame, staring at the camera like “what the hell” while zelos is on an infinity scratching post and for some reason is both very dense, very frog, and VERY bread. he is so small.]

computer enhance frog.

the duck discovered the concept of the cat razor and is obsessed...

[id: photo of lucina sitting on the floor next to two piles of fur. one pile of fur is entirely from zelos and larsa. one pile of fur is entirely from her. despite her not having nearly as much hair as either of them, her pile is at LEAST as big as their pile. she’s mad as hell i stopped shaving her.]

[id: larsa, next to my arm, on a mattress pad. he is....very very small.]

[id: zelos sleeping between my thighs, taken in the darkness with the flash on. his eyes are so very yellow. he looks so comfy with all his feet stuck out. he is a muppet.]

that’s the state of the muppets.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

okay its real good that i stumbled across this last night because i ended up finding more shit!!!!!!! and the craziest thing is i have no real, like conclusion??? i have no idea how reliable or credible this place is. i dont know anything about the other contributors. all i know is the very strange story of this one guy

so. dive with me

for those who dont know: the hidden suffering of the psychopath is an article about... i mean, it's in the title. it was written by willem h. j. martens, phd. remember this name; you're going to be seeing a LOT of it

so this all started because i quite liked that article, and wanted to see what else this guy has written. which led me to his researchgate page- and a lot of the papers were intriguing! the dude has written.... a lot

a lot.

of shit about psychopaths (for a note: i'm specifically using this term because it's what he uses, and a lot of these papers were written before the terms largely fell out of use outside of the psychopathy checklist- a lot of them were written back when psychopathic personality disorder was still a thing!!)

but, not a lot of them had full texts available on researchgate- and when researchgate doesnt have 'em, you're fucked.

so i go looking for some contact information- most academics will just give you their papers if you email and ask, and that's what i was intending on doing.

but... the most recent publication was hidden suffering, in.....

2014.

so i think, oh shit, did he... die? so i start poking around for any info. and then i see on the researchgate page, he's listed as being affiliated with the w. kahn institute of theoretical psychiatry and neuroscience. so back to google i went!! and...

their site looks like the 2000s barfed on it. because the 2000s did barf on it. because this site is from the 2000s. they have a guestbook, for christ's sake!

the site explains that its basically a bunch of people writing papers about a certain subset of things, aspd and psychopathy being one of those things. and there's quite a lengthy list of staff- one of them, dr. paul applebaum, is listed as being the former president of the APA- and he was! its like one of the first things on his wikipedia page!

so that's kind of insane lmao

i havent verified every single person on that list, like- i dont know if any of these people were truly associated with the institute. it could just be a list of random impressive-sounding people for all i know!! i could try and email them and ask but immmmmmmmmm shy. no really thats the reason. im too pussy. anyway-

i also have no clue where to find william kahn, the original founder, mainly because there are a LOT of professor william kahns. but martens is the current chair

remember the guestbook? yeah, i took a look at it- and someone mentioned finding the institute through sociopathworld. sociopathworld is a blog run by one m.e. thomas, the author of confessions of a sociopath, a memoir about her life as someone with aspd. so i wonder, what did she say about the institute?

i search and i find one blogpost from her, announcing the release of an ebook... by one willem martens.... called "the hidden suffering of the psychopath"

mothers and fuckers of the jury, that article was a BOOK at first!!! graphic design is... uh..... um. well. anyway, you'd think that's where it ended, no?

WRONG.

so, last night i was looking for a study that talked about aspd remission rates, just to double check if my information was sound. i pick a study that looks like it'll have the stats i need, and...

YOU!!!!!!

its paywalled. so i sigh, bid farewell to dr martens, and pick another study that looks promising. all im looking for is a study that looks like it mentions aspd remission rates. That's It. this was just another study on the first page, and....

ITS HIM!!! ITS ALWAYS HIM!!!!!!

i say fuck it and with a renewed interest, google his name

and i find.... a spotify????????

it's the same guy. i clocked the highly saturated album covers and knew instantly it was the same exact guy. and boom- one of the album covers mentions the institute on it. so okay, dude's got a hobby, and maybe the institute did some research regarding music and psychology. makes sense. okay

second thing i found: quora thread discussing the original hidden suffering article. one guy related to it, others derided it as narcissistic misinformation. i personally don't trust quora in the slightest wrt any discourse on... um. well. anything. for one, they say the original article was based on hare's psychopathy checklist and that the author clearly doesn't know it's controversial.

uh.

yeah i think he knows, guys.

someone also claimed that martens went on an anti-video games crusade and i.... couldn't find anything on that? i DID end up on verywellmind and i-

wym infamous??? what the fuck are people saying about this article in a professional sphere??? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

anyway THIRD THING I FOUND: a pr website that had a section on the institute. with two books.

and i finally, FINALLY found my answers to everything.

willem h j martens is not, in fact, dead- he's simply retired. he was a musician FIRST, then went back to school for psychiatric studies. wanna know why he focuses so much on psychopathy?

chat.... he is one.

he must've gotten diagnosed back when you still could be diagnosed with psychopathy on its own (remember, this was 20 years ago at the absolute least)

dude went back to school and started writing papers because he disliked the state of the research field regarding psychopathy and aspd in general. he published "the notebooks of a successful psychopath" as his last ebook before retiring from the field of psychiatry and going back to making music. his most recent album is from last year. he's still alive, and has active platforms in which he can be contacted. so in a sense i did fulfill my original goal (finding contact info,) and now im so much more confused than when i began.

what happened, in the early 2000s? how did this institute form? how did it dissolve? were any of these people actually involved? was it one guy desperately trying to feign legitimacy in order to get his voice heard? or was this a genuine operation that did everything right but was doomed to obscurity?

i have no idea. people seem to view his work negatively, but i don't- am i wrong, or are they? i don't like the aspd community on quora or reddit since they're both complete tar pits, but is the problem me? are they tar pits, or am i illegitimate? is it both??

i don't have a snappy conclusion that wraps everything up in a bow. i don't know if i should continue pursuing knowledge more aggressively, or just let the whole thing go.

all i have is one remaining question- where do i go from here?

and i don't have an answer.

hey did i ever tell you guys about the time i decided to look and see what else the "hidden suffering of the psychopath" guy has written and ended up going down a rabbit hole leading me to a 2000s era theoretical psychiatric research group mainly focused on aspd among other things, with a bunch of people affiliated with them and one of those people being the former CHAIRMAN OF THE FUCKING APA

DID I EVER MENTION THIS BEFORE???

[butchpeabody]

you know what im sick and tired of seeing people with the incorrect opinion (/hj) on part 4 pride so heres MY headcanons

akira- 100% that is a gay man, i can see him being either cis or trans ngl? probably leaning towards trans

angelo- cishet ❤

aya- ive said this before but she is moriohs resident elder lesbian, i also think shes trans because with the way her stand works it makes WAY too much sense. definitely a mentor figure for yukako

josuke- my friend who got me into jojo headcanons him as a trans pan man and i think that holds!

joseph- i think cishet joseph is a very funny headcanon but i would be remiss to not say hes undoubtedly bisexual

jotaro- gay and arospec! i dont really have any strong opinions on gender headcanons for him but im gonna say hes trans to piss off cishet jojo fans

keicho- cishet 😔

koichi- i can see him being either gay or bi but im FIRM on him being an ace trans man

mikitaka- im of the belief he is actually an alien, so i think he has a different concept of gender to everyone else? he would be like the equivalent to a cis nonbinary, but hes definitely bisexual

okuyasu- thats a good ol himbo! cis gay man

reimi- maybe me being indulgent but i think she can be a nonbinary lesbian. one of those she/theys.

rohan- as much as i say i hate him that is undoubtedly a gay man. idk if he's cis or trans i havent put thought into it

shinobu- definitely bisexual, ive also been fond of her being trans recently? hayato is adopted and shes trying to figure out how to tell him, but in the end their relationship is stronger for it and he still loves her :)

tamami- cishet (as derogatory as you can comprehend)

teronosuke- hes one of them bisexual nonbinaries!!!!

tomoko- my serious headcanon for her is that shes bi. my joke headcanon is that eventually after being without joseph long enough she said "im sick of pretty boys. ive decided to only like girls now!" she is also cis

tonio- similar role to aya, but as a gay man. probably cis tho

hazamada: im not touching this one im sorry class

toyohiro- nonbinary mlm!! no cisgender person looks like that

yoshikage and yoshihiro: i cannot percieve either of them as anything other than cishet. i do not hate you if you hc kira as mlm i just cannot personally envision it .

yukako- withholding my essay for now, shes a cis lesbian! closeted at the time of part 4 though, she has stuff to work out :(

yuya: i wanna say transhet but i could also see him being bi

[qqueenofhades]

hilary (can i call you hilary like we’re not some internet strangers??) i read the new PEL update and akskajnakowl. Matthias. Sweetie. Going to Druskelle Inc. always somehow causes more problems 👏🏽👏🏽 i mean to be fair, i read the story and im truly astounded by Matthias’ level of no braincells at times. My sweet sweet bland white bread. i just… the common denominator is that every time Matthias and Nina split up some shit goes haywire. Stop doing that 👏🏽 these two are going to need to be bubble wrapped to make it down the altar.

also i would be remiss if i didnt take a moment to acknowledge the King Garbage man himself, Aleksander Morozov. like wooooow. he really tried to pretend he was a badass and then was like “…alina?” what an absolute simp and the funniest part is he tried to be like, “Oh Vanya? Where is that dear friend? Of course, I, ME, i am thriving and walking around in all black dramatically.” BUT who’s laughing now Aleks because Ivan has been in a steady relationship for almost a decade and Aleksander gave off PEAK “the wedding is back on when she unblocks me I SWEAR.” I dont know if we ever find out where Alina is now but I picture her THRIVING ✨ and being unbothered that her ex is tossing away whole missions just to simp over her. She’s giving off “Oh i need a last name and some backstory to dust off the memory a little” and meanwhile Aleks is like ALEKSANDER.EXE has failed to load when he even hears the start of her name.

Hahaha indeed, going to Drüskelle Inc. always causes problems because YOUR BOSS IS A NAZI, MATTHIAS. Which tbf, you have now realized, but not before it caused a shit ton of problems, drove Nina away, got Fedyor kidnapped, and oh yeah, you shot directly in the literally-too-stubborn-to-die head, my darling. So many problems could have been avoided if you had just a few more brain cells, Matthias. Just a few. Yet we love you anyway. Get well.

And yes. Aleksander is a complete utter no holds barred nuclear flaming dumpster fire in Phantomverse. Like. Somehow even more than canon, if that's possible. And yes Alina is probably off somewhere living her best life but still getting a tremor in the Force like I... I sense somehow that Aleksander is blowing up his own life again because he is still not over me, wow, really. While Aleksander 100% secretly hopes that Nina knows Alina and will put in a good word for him, which is an absolutely horrible plan given all the, you know, kidnapping and beating up by GRU thugs, but literally no one, ever, said that Aleksander was a romantic genius. No one. Ever. Ever.

Anyway, thanks for reading! I am glad you are enjoying it. 😂😂😂

[handsoffmyfriends]

it would be remiss of me to not make a pride post during pride month 🙊🏳️‍🌈

i am aroace. thats aromantic and asexual. 💚🤍🖤🤍💜

some people believe that aces dont belong in queer spaces, that by not experiencing sexual and/or romantic attraction that we don't belong in non-straight spaces. this just isnt true! we belong in these spaces just as much as anyone who is non-straight and non-cis.

there isnt nearly enough talk about asexuality, aromance and acceptance for it. it took me almost 27 years to understand and accept that what i was experiencing in the sexual and romantic departments was NOT what most people experience. i often heard the words "you just havent met the right guy" or "youre young, youll understand when youre older" growing up, and i held onto them for a long time. surely one day i would wake up and be "normal", right? a normal, heterosexual cis girl. (definitely another post for another day, just know it felt incredibly wrong typing "girl")

at what point am i old enough to have an epiphany on what sexual and romantic attraction is supposed to feel like? that sounds silly when you word it like that and thats because it is. you dont just have a sudden "sexual awakening", its just something thats part of you and something thats always there, whether youre aware of it or not. i never really had that understanding and im fine with that.

ive spent almost three years considering asexuality and about six months considering aromance. im still not entirely sure about aromance, but the fact that im questioning it means something. ive also spend about ten months considering and questioning my gender, but again, another post for another day.

its not something im ashamed of and its not something anyone else should feel badly about. its just a part of who i am.

people are complex and ever-evolving. thats the beauty of being human. youre allowed to try new things and try new identities to find one that better fits who you are. theres nothing wrong with feeling at ease with yourself, since at the end of the day, its your body and your mind that you live with. the goal is to be at peace with yourself and be comfortable expressing who you are, not suppressing yourself to make bigots and close-minded people feel better.

if you decide in the end that you really were cishet all along, then thats great for you! you probably have a better understanding of non-cis and non-straight identities, so you can better support your friends and family that may be of the lgbtqia+ community.

on a final note, we wouldnt have pride without the help of the black and POC community. they are a huge part of our history and a huge part of our community.

black lives matter

love wins

🖤🤎❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[terriblygrimm]

ohmygod finally someone who shares my views. my sister and I loved fatws for what they did w sam’s character but aside from that the writing was very bad. we really could not understand wtf was bucky’s purpose to the main plot and what new side of bucky did we see. when the action wasnt happening he kept whining about steve and being rude to sam and then marvel thrust sambucky onto us and basically told us to move onto this Brand New Duo. sam and bucky were not on equal footing here and their personal struggles did not hold equal weight at all (i will give credits to anthony and seb here for making their friendship look believable) mcu keeps sidelining bucky and i thought they would do him some justice in this show but they didnt. after reading the articles and interviews post the show it was evident the writers did not understand bucky’s character at all. his whole character development was moving on from steve and now becoming sam’s sidekick? (also im really hoping and praying these writers dont go through with sarahbucky in the future because…no..absolutely not). and i do hope that what you said about a future steve bucky reunion comes true because so far mcu has been very hellbent on erasing their friendship and its just pathetic that they try to undermine their friendship so much, while weirdly enough also emphasizing that yes it has deep emotional value.

yeah like, i’m gonna try to make this as succinct and short (lol) as i possibly can without going off on tangents but tf.atws should’ve been SAM’S show. sam alone. he should’ve been the only title character, and they could’ve properly focused on his arc and the sociopolitical weight of it. that is MORE than enough content to fill up 6 hours. i absolutely love cap!sam and i think he’s gonna be a great captain america. i’m very much looking forward to his future.

but virtually everything else about this show from conception to film was a miss.

the flag smashers? (really marvel? your military propaganda perked its ugly ass head with this one. within the first five minutes of the show they were condemning ppl who believed in a world without borders lmfao. i legit almost stopped watching right then i’m not kidding) and the storyline itself wasn’t even coherent. they had WAY too many characters and arcs to focus on and it just.. didn’t work. didn’t do any one of them justice. not even their title characters - especially their title characers. the whole thing felt very hollow and emotionally remiss. the barely existent dialogue was clunky and awkward, and i’m sorry but.. to me, sam and bucky do not organically get along lol. the chemistry between the actors is undeniable which is why so many ppl ate it up, (and do i think they could eventually get along? yes) but the buddybuddy thing was pretty forced imo. very sudden and based on very little. 

their stories were at odds, with not one common goal between them all the way to the end. they fought for screen time and it caused both of their stories to suffer and not carry the weight they should have. they both had VERY heavy content to work with (a black captain america / a trauma/abuse/pow survivor) but somehow marvel - in true marvel fashion - did not commit to either and tried to tread lightly on both. 

bucky and sam only had the thin thread of steve woven between them & even that was done poorly because the writers themselves admittedly weren’t told what happened to steve, therefore they couldn’t write a definitive arc about it. and instead of actually committing to the deep bond between he and bucky, they took the no homo route and had bucky express anger over who holds property of the shield, rather than admitting it was steve himself that he emotionally and physically missed. but again, they couldn’t really do that, could they? they didn’t know if steve was alive or if bucky knew of his whereabouts. 

i’ll admit i did enjoy the peripheral concept of bucky helping steve pass along the shield, like he was its watcher, making sure steve’s legacy fell in good hands, and was there to basically coach sam along the way. in THAT regard alone, it did feel like he and steve were still a team post-endgame. that, on top of saying that he and steve discussed the future of the shield together was a sweet touch. loved that, but it was executed poorly like everything else.

& his winter soldier arc... lordy, was that handled horribly. bucky is a charming, gentle, burdened, lover-not-a-fighter (since the 40s) victim and they turned him macho, carrying the burden of his abusers and guilted into making amends? and that his problems were his fault because he couldn’t trust people? say what now? bucky is a pissed off, good-hearted war vet with a LOT of baggage- he’s not just some dude. the effort to butch up and patch up bucky in a quick fix was apparent, from the short hair, to the list of names, to the “man up” approach everybody came at him with, to the really out of place heterosexual flirting. i mean honest to god who the has time to flirt? apparently bucky! none of the other characters even passed a sideways glance to another during the entire series aside from the one character who audiences have been vocal about being queer for 10 years. hmmm.... (and then the writers actually CAME OUT & MADE A POINT TO SAY that they did not intend for his bisexuality lmfao i mean please dear god put us out of this misery. that writer/director need to stop talking because nobody cares about their personal opinions or headcanons. media is for the viewer to interpret so please shut up.)

overall the actors did what they could w that script, that much was obvious- and they certainly tried to stay as true to their visions/versions of the characters as they could but it just didn’t end up matching up.

but yeah, on a lighter note, i sincerely don’t think they’ll continue bucky in sam’s sphere. i think that was a one off. i don’t think they actually wanted to sell them as a “new partnership” but they just didn’t know how to write the dynamic properly. i think tf.atws was just a sad, sad attempt to place them somewhere post-endgame so they can continue on in bigger marvel films. sam’s got his cap4 and his new team (torres, sharon, walker), and i think i read he’s gonna make an appearance in black panther? which will be sooooo awesome!! 

and bucky? his ending was very open, what with him miraculously “feeling better” yet not quite the white wolf, and not permanent in any place. and on top of that, he was instructed to stay away from wakanda so he can’t make future appearances there, so methinks he and steve will cross paths again as nomad and white wolf for sure (once it’s revealed what steve’s been doing, etc). maybe in space?

the power that holds anon.... i get so excited even thinking about it.