#because i made a deal with myself that i wouldn't until i either hit this milestone or got rid of all of the prompts still in my box

[thebibliosphere]

Whenever I get a particularly nasty message, I always check to see if they're following me first. Nine times out of ten, they're not. But they're also, unfortunately, the same people who feel entitled to send me multiple messages in a row, most of them heavily steeped in the language of moralization and purity.

Like whenever I talk about painkillers or pain management, I always get a handful of well-meaning people who are maybe new to my blog or are just young, asking me if I've tried diet/exercise/meditation, etc.

Sometimes I'll respond to them. Other times I'll just ignore them because I get those kinds of messages so often it's like white noise, and maybe part of me hopes if they stick around on my blog, they'll learn it through exposure via my incessant bitching.

When you see me responding to someone offering that kind of advice, it's either because I'm at my fucking limit or because I'm hoping it's a teachable moment and an otherwise seemingly nice person might unlearn some harmful biases.

The people who don't follow me are not interested in any kind of conversation on the subject. They do, however, feel the most qualified to tell me, someone they didn't know existed until one of my posts crossed their dash, how to manage my life, everything I'm doing wrong, and why I'm a bad person.

And for them, my disability is proof that I am a bad person because they view health as a moral issue.

If you're sick, it's because you don't exercise enough, don't eat the right foods, don't pray enough, don't do enough. They genuinely believe that if they say and do all the right things, like a Good Person, they'll never get sick.

It's their security blanket against the harsh reality that anyone is one bad day away from disability. One faulty gene, one bad infection, one bad accident away from a life-long diagnosis. And if they do get sick, it's a test. A challenge to be overcome with Willpower as they learn the True Meaning of Life.

It can never just be a simple fact of life that sickness happens. That disability exists without a moral reason.

And it's suffocating.

Day in, day out. Folks who don't know me from fucking Eve telling me I'm being punished. Not always as outright as that. They don't always use that word. But sometimes I appreciate it when they do because at least then they're being honest. They're not couching it in the softer language of leftist circles. Not hiding it behind concern.

Because the truth is, there are just as many folks who think they're liberal and enlightened who'd be happy if disabled people just stopped existing. They don't like thinking about us because it makes them think about themselves. About their own fragility and mortality, and they hate that. They hate that there's something they can't control with their thoughts and actions. That they can't moralize their way out of.

Honestly, it's a relief when people are just cunts about it because I can hit the block button, safe in the knowledge that they were never the kind of person who would see me as a person. But when it's some 20yo kid with their pronouns, orientation, and "ACAB" in their profile spouting the same kind of moralization, sometimes even with the language of eugenics, it feels like such a betrayal. Like a loss.

And perhaps if I wasn't multiply disabled, I'd have the energy to pull them back. To tell them why they're wrong and hope like hell they realize what they're doing is harmful. But then, if I wasn't disabled, they wouldn't be messaging me, so I wouldn't be dealing with it.

I wouldn't be expected to use my existence as a teachable moment to spoon-feed them compassion. But I am, and I do. When I can. Not always with the grace that's warranted. Not always with the thought and compassion I ought to. (And I don't; I acknowledge that. I'm prone to anger and off-the-cuff remarks that are hurtful too. Though I try to keep most of it to myself or save it for therapy.)

Basically, if you've made it this far through the TED talk, don't be fucking cunts to disabled people. Don't tell chronically ill people to try yoga. Don't moralize pain relief. Suffering is not noble.

You need to kill the cop and the priest in your head telling you otherwise.

And also if you're the nice people sending me nice messages. Thank you. It helps cushion all of *gestures* this.

[starlightazriel]

bee 9

series desc: modern best friends > lovers (fem reader) tattoo artist az

warnings: 18+, az acting crazy and toxic haha, arguing/angst, just the beginning of the groveling, simp behavior hahaha, drug/alcohol addiction, reader struggling, heart break, time jumps, aa, depression mess, az is literally falling apart at the seams, don't expect good decisions from reader lol she's hurting that's all ima say

a/n: wow I know I ain't shit this took me so long I'm sorry angst central too ik

wc: 3.8k

other parts can be found on my az masterlist <3

nine

"Say the word Bee, I'll knock on his door and knock him out." His jaw was tight, eyes dark with the desire to inflict pain. Real pain, sometimes that side of Azriel scared me, these days it would only make my panties wet.

"Im fine Az," I wiped tears from my face with the back of my sleeve, my chest tightened slightly at his willingness to put himself at risk for my naivety. "Hes not worth it anyway," I added, trying desperately to swallow the lump in my throat.

"Well that youre right about. Tried to tell you he didnt deserve you," he pauses, his face looking displeased. There's a moment of silence and it made me wish I had the courage to fill it with my feelings for him. "Please stop looking so sad though. Bings will help," he smirks, trying the only way he knew how to lighten the mood, he held up his bong, already freshly packed. I sighed softly, letting a small smile tug at the corner of my lips despite the ache I felt in my chest.

"Yeah they might," I smirk a little bit, and take the bong from him, taking one of my little baby hits, I shove the bong back in his direction, coughing obnoxiously despite the small hit. Normally he would make fun of me, I figured he was sparing me the embarrassment in light of the current situation.

"I can kick his ass," he repeats and I just shake my head at him. I didn't doubt it either— when it came to me, Az didn't have any limits. He would go down swinging for me, no matter who it was.

Thinking back on that memory... It made me feel sick, that now he was the one to hurt me.

I had made the mistake of trusting Azriel too much. I knew better. I knew he wasn't ready for this and still I let myself live in some little fantasy world for weeks. And now... Now I was dealing with the consequences.

My heart was shattered.

Incomparable to my insignificant couple of break ups in the past... This was so much worse.

Az... My Az. Maybe not my Az after all.

He clearly couldn't even handle a relationship.

Or maybe... The alternative made my stomach sink.

Maybe he knew the entire time that he was moving and he was just passing the time until he did? Az wouldn't do that... Would he?

You can know someone forever... As soon as there are drugs involved... Well, nothing is guaranteed.

It seemed to be just as hard for me to admit that he had a problem than it was for him. I hated it, but this pain— it made me see things more clearly, see him more clearly.

I couldn't bring myself to block him. I did have to turn my phone off for a while because not picking up was just becoming hard. 39 missed face time calls, 12 missed regular calls, and a handful of text messages that I was leaving on read.

baby please just talk to me

i'm so sorry shit was so fucking stupid

please come home

bee i swear i'll come over there and drag you out of that house by your hair

you know i didnt mean that

im sorry

i need you bee, don't shut me out

just talk to me

i'll stop drinking so much i'll do whatever please just fucking talk to me

cass is a fucking idiot nothing happened i swear baby i didn't fuck anyone.

The messages were spaced out minutes between some, hours between others. I couldn't help myself when I typed out a reply to the last one.

how do you know you didn't fuck anyone? do you even remember? You were getting your fucking grind on with a random ass bottle girl. or maybe she wasn't random lol who fucking knows with you. and you had your face in tits Az. Tits. WERE TOUCHING YOUR CHEEKS. AND YOU WERE SMILING LIKE YOU LOVED EVERY FUCKING SECOND. AND I BET YOU DID CUS YOU LOOKED HIGH OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.

It was only seconds before he read it and was typing.

i didn't fuck anyone. i only want you. i'm just a dumbass. bro please do not do this shit to me. i will do ANYTHING to make this up to you that's on literally everything.

And another one.

you don't have a choice anyway and i swear if i catch you outside with any of these mother fuckers yo youre both done

And another.

its not a threat its a warning don't play with me

I groaned in frustration and tossed my phone to the side. It was all so... Exhausting. My chest quite literally hurt. And the audacity, please don't do this to him?

He did this to us.

And why the fuck did he think he owned me? I hated that it made my heart flutter— bottle girls, titties, Vegas. I reminded myself.

Sick.

I had confessed everything to my mom the first day I had came back to my parents house, which in hindsight I wished I hadn't. Knowing me... I would be back in Azriels bed within days of being back, my cheeks burned at the thought. No matter what he did, it didn't change the way I now knew how he could make me feel.

She had always loved Az, since day one... He had practically been a part of our family at one point, joining our family dinners every night, even my dad and him had a certain respect for each other. 'Some people are just better off as friends,' was my mom's response to the whole ordeal. Maybe she was right, but I didn't like it, not now.

How could we go back to that?

Was it possible to go back to that?

-

The stress, the heaviness of my heart... I couldn't stop myself from swiping a cig from my dad's secret stash in the garage. I was now sat on the rocking chair on my parent's front porch, debating on what I was going to do when I returned home. I had to go soon, it had already been weeks now I was starting to dip into my old wardrobe.

I had been commuting to class even though it was much farther than Azriel's apartment. I just didn't know what to say when I saw him. I didn't even know how to bring up the fact that I knew he was moving. Did he plan on telling me? What had been his plan for my living situation if he didnt have the apartment anymore? Had he even thought about it?

"So you're smoking now?" his voice causes me to jump, my heart nearly leaping from my chest as my head snaps to Azriel who's standing there, one hand shoved in his pocket other hand gripping a small bouquet of flowers. Scarred fingers against delicate stems, my cheeks turned pink remembering what he had done to me with those fingers. That feeling soon turned to anger remembering what he else he had done, he's frozen now, maybe half way up the stone path leading to my parents front door.

"Jesus Az what the fuck?" I breathed out, exhaling a shaky breath, my tone laced with a venom I had never used with him before. "You scared the fuck out of me, what are you even doing here?"

"You know what I'm doing here," his voice is soft but slightly strained, my stomach twists at the pain I can feel, radiating off of him. I didnt know how he did that, he was always able to change the air around me— like I was so hyper aware of him that I could sense his feelings.

"Az-"

"I love you," he cuts me off, my breath hitches, his cheeks are slightly pink, hand still shoved into his pocket. I set the burning cigarette down on the can beside me, I tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat.

So long.

I had waited to hear those words for so fucking long. And now, here, under these circumstances— it didnt feel how I imagined it would. It didnt feel how it was supposed to.

"I love you too Azriel you know I do but I-"

"But what? You dont want me because Im so fucked up right?" His voice drops slightly, his throat bobbing and I noticed his grip tighten on the bouquet in his hand. His face was soft— pained, and my heart cracked again, remembering that boy so many years ago bruised and bloody with that same heartbroken face of betrayal, and now I had done that to him. "Im sorry, Im so fucking sorry please—"

"I didn't say that," I mumbled, my heart felt like it was bleeding in my chest, like there would be nothing left once he walked away. He didn't dare to step closer. "I just- I need some time Az," I mumbled softly and he closed his eyes for a minute before tugging at his hair, huffing out a frustrated breath. He looked like he would get down on his knees for me, like he would beg me if I asked him to.

"I know what that means Bee," he huffs out another small breath, his face slowly contorting into that hard cold stare I knew him to hide behind. "Anyway," he breaths out, looking away from me. "I'm going to change your mind, we—" he struggles again before giving up, I could see his eyes were bloodshot as he got closer, dark circles prominently underlining them. "Here," he finally says, he shoves the bouquet in my hand, there was an envelope taped to the side of it with my name on it.

"I'm coming home soon Az," I mumble, though, I didn't even know if I was ready for the conversation the two of us would be having. "I told you we could talk then," I add and he sighs, stepping back off of the porch.

"I'll see you soon then," he muttered softly and just shrugged his shoulders, I could tell he wanted to run to me... He wanted to wrap me in his arms and kiss me. He wanted to strangle me also— I could see that too, that deep rooted need for control, to make me see things his way. I couldn't blame him— it stemmed from years of physical abuse, traumas I would never truly be able to understand.

"Go home Az. Goodnight, thank you, for the flowers," is the last thing I say before walking back inside shutting the door behind me, in his face. I didnt watch him walk away, that short conversation had been painful enough. I put the flowers in some water and tore open the mini envelope despite how angry I was with him.... Seeing him, made me crave him so much more.

'I could lose every single thing I have in this world but I can't lose you. I miss you. Please stop shutting me out. I can't take much more of this Bee.'

His handwriting was rushed— desperate messy scrawl, guilt twisted in my gut. I couldn't help it... I had nothing to feel guilty about and yet... Imagining him alone, needing me, missing me... Enough to buy flowers and scribble out a little note. More than I'd ever seen him do for any other woman.

I couldn't fall for it.

My chest tightened and tears welled up in my eyes. Why did he have to fuck everything up? It had been so perfect. Leave it to a fucking man to ruin everything.

-

Azriel swallowed the bile that rose in his throat as he stared blankly in front of him at all of the faces looking back at him. His palms were sweaty, ears hot with embarrassment and he couldn't stop tapping his foot. He had opted not to get up and stand at the front, feeling much more secure in his seat toward the back of the room.

"Hi, uh, my name is Azriel, I'm twenty five, and Im um— Im an alcoholic," it was the first time he'd ever said it out loud, it tasted horrible on his tongue. "I've um I've been addicted to drinking alcohol probably for about ten years- Got me into other- shit and I'm here today because I fell in love with my best friend and um- I don't want to lose her. Never tried to quit drinking before— never really believed I had a problem but— yeah, here I am," his voice had gotten quieter as he finished and he realized he was rambling. His cheeks burned, he hated all the eyes on him, hated that he was the center of attention. And he was craving a line, bad.

His introduction was followed by many 'Hi Azriels,' which only made him feel more uncomfortable. They tried to make him feel welcome, tried to relate to him— get him to open up. He thought he might explode but he listened though. He listened to each and every persons story that shared. And when it was over the leader gave him a small white chip, service, unity, recovery. A pledge to a new beginning, toward sobriety.

He sighed and shoved it into his pocket, he was sitting on the step now, to go coffee cup in his hand, black obviously. Isn't that what recovering alcoholics did? Drink black coffee and smoke cigarettes?

"Can I bum one?" a male voice asks and next thing he knows he's sitting down next to him, he was a bit older, maybe 40.

"Sure," he mutters and pulls a cigarette from the pack and extends it to him, he recognized him from inside the meeting.

"It's Max, if you didn't catch it in there."

"Azriel," he mumbles, looking straight ahead at the cars passing by. He didn't know how to feel. He didn't want to get sober. But he needed Bee. He couldn't lose her, after getting a taste? He couldn't handle not having her again. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"You need a sponsor?" he asks, raising an eyebrow, Azriel shrugs, the new sobriety coin felt like it was burning a hole in his pocket. The anxiousness... The insatiable desire to rid himself of any of his uncomfortable feelings by doing a line and buying a bottle... How the hell was he supposed to stay sane?

"You going to be my sponsor?"

"First things first, don't wear a cocaine vile around your neck to an AA meeting."

-

I was quiet, careful when I slowly pushed open the door to Azriels apartment, my apartment too, I guess. Not for long.

It didn't feel like home anymore— the sickening feeling that twisted in my gut as I took a step inside. It was quiet, he wasn't home... Fucking filthy. There was pizza boxes and take out containers, ash everywhere, multiple ash trays made from various things, there were unfinished cigs and blunts everywhere that made it smell awfully of cigarettes and stale weed. Cocaine residue and half crushed pills were out on the coffee table like it was normal. I swallowed thickly, a soft breath leaving my lips I knew I shouldn't feel guilty, shouldn't feel bad that he obviously wasn't okay... But I did, I just left him. Never, never had I ever done that to Azriel. I was the one constant in his life, the one person who was always there. Ever since that day in front of my house all those years ago.

Titties, bottle girls, moving to Vegas. I reminded myself, my stomach turned again. So angry. Fucking idiot.

I entered the kitchen for a glass of water, needing something to calm that sick feeling. The bile that rose in my throat that felt like I was about to hurl everything I ate for the past three days. I thought better of it quickly, before I consumed anything from this rancid kitchen I would need to deep clean and disinfect.

Dirty dishes in the sink, the dishwasher hanging open half loaded still with clean dishes like he had just been taking them from there and hadn't bothered to put anything away, empty liquor bottles overflowing from the small recycling bin, more take out containers, a bong tipped over, the foul smelling water from it still dripping off of the counter, a small puddle of brownish water collected on the white tile.

What the fuck?

My room was the only room that didnt smell like bong water and cigarettes, but still, he had been in here. Maybe even slept in here. Papers covered the floor, not just papers but drawings. There were drawings of me everywhere. Just me, me naked, him and I together, kissing, fucking, our hands intertwined— there were even drawings of us when we were younger. A little messy, like he had been pressing down so hard— drawing with such emotion that he kept breaking his utensil of choice that day.

I let out a soft sob, my hand flying to cover my mouth.

Fuck.

Kat. I needed Kat.

I tried to swallow the growing lump in my throat again and pulled my phone out to check her location. Of course she was at the shop.

-

"Hey," the bells chime softly as I walk into the shop, there was no one in the waiting room besides Kat and she looked up from her phone, our eyes locking.

"Heyyy baby," she greets, flashing me a smile that soon turns into a frown, her eyebrows drawing together. "Are you good?"

"No," I loosed a shaky breath, advancing to the counter, I leaned against it like I had so many times, but my chest was fucking aching. It was so fucking infuriating that nothing felt the same, nowhere felt the same. I guessed this was what heart break really felt like, seeing the world in every color one day and then black and white the next. "Is he here?" I dropped my voice lower, playing with one of the knick knacks on the desk to distract myself.

"No, he left a while ago, didnt say where he was going," she's still frowning, the worried look still plastered on her face.

"The house Kat?" I paused, making a face. "It's fucking disgusting, I don't understand how hes living like that," my harsh words could have only been brought on by anger, she softens, her look turning more sympathetic which annoys me only, I ignore it.

"He hasn't been the best at work either— snapping on everyone, late every day and fucked up," she lets out a small sigh, "Rhys is fucking pissed," she pulls her lip between her teeth.

"Fuck Rhys, honestly," I mutter quietly, she raises an eyebrow in response but I only ignore it. Of course, none of this was his fault, but still Vegas. Why fucking Vegas? "It's my turn to get fucked up, anyway, that's why I'm here I bought a bottle to pregame, just needed my bitch and one of her miniskirts," my words are met with a grin.

"Babes you know I got you."

-

I hadn't been drunk in a while, so to say the least I was enjoying myself. The pounding of the music, talking to strangers, dancing with Kat. I had needed all of this.

To slip out of my mind for a few hours and just let go.

Kat was definitely enjoying herself now too, and was dancing with some tall sexy man she had just met. I was keeping to myself for the most part, on the edge of the dance floor, swaying my hips to the music as I surveyed the scene with a fuzzy mind.

My mouth popped open in slight surprise and when I felt curiosity instead of the desire to leave immediately, I knew I had drank too much. There was Eris, in all his jewelry and expensive clothes, looking poised and composed as always. Long pale ringed fingers wrapped around a glass of amber liquid. I hadn't seen him since the night we shared.

"You ghosted me princess."

"I had other things going on— and I didnt finish," I smile boredly, not meeting his gaze, it must have been the liquor making me so bold, he scoffs slightly his eyebrows raising in surprise.

"Let me buy you a drink then, to make up for it, must have been an off day for me," he inquires, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction that my body was basically broken with anyone except for Azriel, I would let him believe it was his fault. His ego could be taken down a peg, anyway.

"I have one already," I raise it up slightly, smirking as I swirl the liquid around in the cup.

"Not anymore," in a swift motion he takes the glass from my hand and dumps the drink in a near by plant, a fake plant. I squeaked, looking around to see if anyone else had witnessed it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? It's fake and you just filled it with liquor and juice! Have you even heard of a fruit fly?" I demanded, swaying a bit on my feet, liquor buzzing through my veins. If anyone did that at my bar, I scoffed slightly at the thought staring him down judgmentally for his utter carelessness.

"It's fake, so the liquor won't kill it," he flashed me his insufferable sexy grin before adding "there's wins and losses to every decision we make," his eyes flashed and I stopped for a moment, weighing those words.

No, I can't get caught up in this. I had to figure out what was going on with Azriel and I. "And now you don't have a drink and I get to buy you one, so I win, Im not really concerned nor do I care about any of the losses. Besides, I only ever come here looking for you, so I don't care if they get fruit flies." That cocky smirk he wore, the way he carried himself... He did look good. That piercing gaze, the confidence that radiated off of him along with his expensive dizzying cologne.

I remembered what Az had said about him 'theres a lot of people that would kill him in this city' hearing his words echo in my head, knowing how much he hated that I'd been with Eris... I swallowed, my cheeks turning pink.

Az didnt care when he was fucked up, when he was smushing his face between those two bottle girls titties he didnt think about me at home— waiting for him.

So I wouldn't care now.

I didnt think about him, I didnt think about what it would do to him when I wrapped my fingers up into Eris expensive shirt and yanked his tall frame down to me.

"Wins and losses you say?" I whisper before pressing a kiss to his lips.

-

a/n: cliffhangerrr only time and comments will tell if yalll are mad about this drama HAHA sorry I had to drag the groveling out into multiple parts Az WILL be on his KNEES in the near future

taglist <3: @smalljasper289 @cynthiesjmxazrielslover @scorpioriesling @userxs-blog @lilah-asteria @abadfantasybook @judeduartewannbe @lindsayscottagebythesea @velarisdusk @serxndipity-ipity-blog @julesvanslutta @honk4emoboyz @bookishbishhh @dakotali @blessthepizzaman @scooobies

IF ANYONES TAG DIDNT WORK IM SO SORRY

[mechaknight-98]

Beastmaster Bond IV (NSFW) Ft Chaehyun

Author’s note: A bit of an interlude. I saw the dress and thought. I absolutely have to do a Gala Chapter. You all can blame @somicutie08 for the intro

"I don't know Tiger I am just worried ya know," I said to Chaehyun as she wrapped her tongue around my cock. I groan at her excellent skills, as she massages my balls after a deep gag. She always seems to hit that one spot on my scrotum that makes me cum buckets every time she gives me a blow job. She looked at me with her sad pout and my heart softened because I couldn't ever tell her no.

"Rexy you just hatched a Deviljho single-handedly while everyone was stuck out of town, Facing your peers in a Gala should be easy," Chaehyun said.

I wince because she's right but dealing with people it's not the move man.

"I know I should be but that crowd is not my crowd," I responded. Chaehyun smiled and said,

"That's why you need to show up beside me, You wouldn't leave me alone would you,"

My eyes narrowed at my paramour, and her eyes widened with arousal. she loved playing into my possessive nature as it always served to get her so wet and typically gave into whatever demand she had

"I'd never," I growled. Chaehyun smiled and then said

"Great so we fly out in two and a half weeks. We will need to get you a suit here." she smiled at me knowing she had trapped me so elegantly.

“Oh, tiger before I forget I need to talk to you about something important,” I say and before I finish I feel Chaehyun’s anxiety spike. She looks at me with her scared puppy dog eyes and she does the thing she always does when she's anxious she fucks me feral until both of us black out and pass out.

The next day I woke up before her and I stared at her. She looked so peaceful but also so sexy. I caress her side as she rests and watch as she turns over to look at me with a sultry look that sets my loins on a blaze.

“Hey Rex you ready for the next round,” she says seductively.

“While I would love nothing more than to lock you in a mating press right now I think we should talk. I want to preface this by saying upfront. Nothing is wrong with us. It's just that something has happened to me and I want…no think you should know.

Chaehyun stiffens her erect nipples and stares at me as she does and she begins the lewdest display yet. She opens her legs and begins to play with herself in front of me.

"Okay Rexy but after you fill me up," she says seductively.

Tired of this game I respond with, "No I need to talk to you!"

Chaehyun looks into my eyes and moves towards me.

"Please Rexy right after my worthless pussy needs you. Aren't you gonna fill your worthless barren cumdump?" she asks. Her choice of words is concerning because I know she has been super sensitive about being barren recently.

"Chaehyun look it's not about that I..." Was all I could get out before she was on me like a predator cornering its prey. She was kissing me and pushing all my erogenous zones hoping I would discard my concerns. What she didn't count on (and to be honest neither did I. Was my lust and protectiveness combining.)

"Listen here you slut. You are a dirty slut, but you are so much more than just a cumdump. You are my mate, mine to abuse, but you do not get to talk down to yourself as only some worthless sex object. Now you are going to listen to what I have to say then I am going to breed your pretty pusy do I make myself clear slut?" I growl and command. Chaehyun's mewls as she submits to me. My Lust and protectiveness still lead me to continue. "Do you understand Slut?" I growl in a low tone, "Or will I have to leave you untouched." That sent Chaehyun out of her stupor as she nodded.

"Good. now observe." I said as I showed her the flame wisps. Her eyes went wide when she saw them, but before either of us could talk I flipped her and bent her over taking my hard cock and plunging it deep into her pussy. it was sodden and dripping a puddle under her which made entry easy because this was the most molded and fit to my dick she has ever been. I grab her pillowy tits and begin slow and power thrusts into her cunt.

"Good Girl," I cooed as ravaged her. Her moans are an excellent motivator.

"Wait, Dino. We need to talk about..." Chaehyun began. I quickly cut her off.

"You wanted me to fuck you first, you got me all riled up and I am finishing. I am breeding you and you are going to bear me children." I growled as I continued to piston into her pleasant pussy. her slick drenched my cock as I claimed her. I felt her body tense, any time I mention breeding her, her body goes into this weird but sexy catatonic state where her body milks me for all I am worth. growing tired of doggy I pull out lift her tiny body onto the bed pin her legs up above her ears and put her into mating press.

"Oh God, Breed me," Chaehyun moans. I continue to piston as her cavern squelches and tightens around me. her lower lips drool for me in a lewd mirror of the upper ones as I feel something change about this time. I can't think about it too long as I get caught up in the moment and lose control exploding into her pussy. My orgasm is violent and long as I feel like I am cumming in her for hours (it was 7 or so minutes) but I keep pounding into her. My only thought was filling her with my seed. Chaehyun moans as she climaxes calms down and climaxes again through my orgasm as I just continue to dump rope after rope after rope of cum inside her. My brain is both clear and mush at the same time when the haze of lust finally clears. Chaehyun looks at me satiated and full.

"What happened to you? You never do that?" she said

"You did that. You talking bad about yourself made me angry and horny."

"Well, maybe I should degrade myself more often because fuck, you have never cum this much." I shake my head and get back to the bed to hold her close by spooning her. She looks at my face her eyes widen.

"Oh that changed you, I changed you," she said. she grabs her phone and opens the camera and my eyes have this intense teal sclera that permeates around them. Chaehyun giggled, before saying, "Okay enough cuddles we have work we need to do." I nod and get ready for the day.

over the next week, we prepare for the Gala and I start noticing things about Chaehyun. her energy is sapped a lot easier. she is a lot more aggressive with others and snippy including with me, but also her need to fuck is increased as well, she is almost always demanding more sex. I've had to now spend entire lunch breaks just to satisfy her in addition to our morning and night rituals, and I am worried. thankfully though it doesn't cloud her judgment as she has been excellent in handling the zoo with me and making sure everything is running smoothly, and as we approach the time of the Gala her focus diverts to that.

she's taking the spearhead on most of it so I just stay in the background letting her do her thing. On one of the nights, I managed to get some time and talk to Tony.

"Hey little bro," I greet him after the zoo closes.

Tony "smiles" as he greets me but his head tilts.

"You're mate where is she?"

"She is getting things ready for an event she wants us to go to, so I figured I talk to you as she has been consuming my time a lot lately,"

"Is that wise because she is with child?" Amaterasu (She was also there cuddling with Tony.) I blink repeatedly processing what I just heard

"Oh and how do you know this?" I ask my two Magnamalo friends.

"She is going through the shift," Tony clearly says, "As have you," he adds.

I nod and then say, "Okay then I will go address that right now."

For those unaware megafauna *who only pair-bond once* (specifically females) go through a shift when they become pregnant the first time. Essentially the hormones that promote breeding triple in and their bodies become a baby-making factory for 4 cycles of gestation. this means that typically for those 3-5 years of gestation, all they want to do is breed and nurse their babies and breed again. they become hostile to any nonmale that is a non-mate or familial tie, and other females. (More so to other females) I never considered this though because she was missing the key symptom. lactation

I arrive home to tell her the news and when I arrive and open the door I smell her before I see her. I also smell the smell of cookies but more so the scent of her arousal. to me, it smells like what my brain associates comfort which is smores. her scent drives me wild I feel my cock strain in my pants as I quickly close the door. the sound of squelching in the distance is all I hear along with banshee-level moans.

"Tiger," I call out slightly frightened as to what could be waiting for me in our apartment. the response is bone-chilling.

I hear a growl and the scent begins to become even more intense.

"Rexy left me all alone, and now he's back. Rexy is going to be a good boy and let his tiger ride him right?" her voice takes on a tone I have never heard. somewhere between sultry and wildly deranged. it's as sexy as it is tense. Her eyes have the same teal sclera as mine and she radiates this intense sexual aura that is intense, to say the least. my body gives in to her demands as she approaches. My cock becomes painfully hard and starts to dump arousal into my blood. my mind begins to cloud but I try to fight it.

"Hey Tiger is everything okay?" I ask meekly.

"Yeah. I just was making cookies with ice cream because I have been having all these random cravings and just this desire for my man hit me. I couldn't help it. I have been fucking myself for hours but I can't cum. So I am going to need you and that dick of yours to finish me off." I look behind her to see a trail of her slick on the floor. She brings her hands to my head and lowers my head to be even with hers. she looks me in the eyes, and I see her eyes have become slits her pupils a dark crimson color.

"Don't worry Rexy Mommy will take good care of you," she whispers. I feel my body starting to burn arousal too. I had something I needed to tell her something important, but my memory was fading fast.

"My Rexy is trying so hard to think right now," she says as she strokes my cock. (Wait when did I get naked, when did she get on top of me? When did we get to our bedroom?)

as if hearing my thoughts Chaehyun said, "Rexy don't fight it. Mommy just wants to help her, so please give in." her words sent me over the edge and I blacked out.

The next day I woke up with my collar covered in hickeys and my back with scratch marks. My dick is still rock hard though as I look down at it I scold it.

"Can you go down would you?" but it remains hard nonetheless. I smell bacon and other breakfast foods as I get up and put some boxers on. I walk to the kitchen where Chaehyun only has an apron on, while she cooks breakfast.

"Hey, Daddy. thanks for last night you were an animal." Chaehyun said.

"I groaned and replied, "Well at least you remembered it and enjoyed it. I don't remember anything." Chaehyun smiled before saying

"You came in me four times and passed out after the fifth, but I need another round." she cooed. at that point, the brain fog cleared and I was able to tell Chae.

"Um, Tiger I think you're going through the shift," I state calmly. Chae looks at me and licks her lips

"Um, I don't think so. I am not lactating, and my sex drive hasn't increased. we fuck the same amount." She said as she was actively looking at my crotch and licking her lips. I let that slide and go for a different approach because I know if I press the issue it's going to awaken both of our prey drives and it will evolve into an argument and lead to us fucking for hours on end. We had stuff to do today and I couldn't afford to get behind. Our flight to Korea was tonight. Containing her would be exceptionally difficult. So I play her game

"Okay, do you need any help?"

"Oh thanks, Rexy but no I am pretty much done."

"Okay, I will start the dishes then."

Chaehyun smiles. She knows I hate doing them so she's pleasantly surprised I decide to. As I do the dishes Chaehyun comes from behind and lowers my boxers. My hard cock is quickly caressed by her soft hands.

"Chaehyun, please. We need to pack."

"No we need to fuck then we can pack," she says as she caresses me with her other hand.

"My marks are still present good. that will let them know you're mine," she says luridly. I groan as one of my major verbal pleasure points is her claiming me as hers.

"God yes!" I moan. "I am yours and yours alone," I affirm. Chaehyun tightens her grip on me.

"Good boy I am glad you know your place. by my side, or in me." she cooed while stroking me.

Her arousal is beginning to overwhelm my brain again. I can't afford to black out here but I want nothing more than just to breed her again and again and again. I feel her take off the apron and feel her soft body press into mine.

“Stop fighting it, join me. I know you feel the need as much as I do. Your rationality just makes you fight it. Give in to your instincts and let the animal out,” my mate whispers as she strokes me slowly. “Please I want you with me not the repressed blackout you. I want my intelligent and savage mate to ravage me. not my arousal-drunk partner,” she whispers and her hands wrap around my body, I try to stay focused but it's hard.

“Rexy embrace it stop fighting it please let it take you. You need it.” Chaehyun encourages and I start to feel my body heat up uncontrollably. I see the wisps begin to float around me.

“That's it babe be at peace with an animal inside don't fight it. Let your mind clear and your instincts guide you.” Chaehyun encourages I feel my mind breaking as this weird combination of ideas spill and proliferate through my mind

“Stop fighting give in,” Chaehyun cooed as her voice and hands got braver. My breathing hitches as I feel her envelope me,

“Don't black out stay with me Rexy embrace your instincts,” Chaehyun says as she has me nearing the edge, but before I can freefall she stops touching me. I turn and scowl at her. She smiles as she eats her breakfast. My throbbing cock is dripping precum as I stare at her enticing body. My brain is left overwhelmed by the myriad of thoughts and emotions I feel.

Chaehyun smirks at my discomfort as she takes another bite of her food she says, “We aren't leaving until you fuck me. Not your body, not your mind, not your dick. I'm not leaving until you give me all of you. I know it is hard to bear oneself to another but I need my mate to stop hiding. Show me who you truly are. I won't run.” her lurid whispers echo her words deep into my mind and psyche as aspects of my personality resonate in an almost supernatural hum. Chaehyun finished her plate and sauntered over to me. She caresses my face and gazes into my eyes,

“Come on Rexy aren't you tired of holding back,” and the mental barricade between my primal self and rational self breaks. I kiss her fervently as I lift one of her legs so that I can get a better angle on plowing her pussy and she wraps it around my torso. She smiles

“There he is,” she moans as I impale her on my cock. Her greedy pussy happily accepts though as she drips. She moans sweetly as I slowly plunge deeper and deeper inside. Her hands dig into my back as she tries to anchor herself from the intense pleasure building inside of her.

“You like that? You like how my cock owns your pussy so much that you have to tear me apart,” I groan as I finally bottom out inside of her. She smiles and says,

“Yes, more than anything now fill me with your cum!” I start thrusting into her deeper and harder than I ever have before and I watch her just lose herself to the pleasure. I smirk at her convulsing body as she spasms around my cock.

“You like it,” I ask smugly

“Yes, yes, yes. I can feel you hitting my womb,” she answers. I grin madly as I flood her insides with my seed and she moans overwhelmed. After our little session, we shower together and pack. Throughout the day we mate some more as Chaehyun insists on prancing around nude because she can't get enough of me, but alas we have to stop so we can catch our plane. It sucks because I was balls deep inside of her when my alarm went off.

Chaehyun glares at me as I pull out but I merely say, “Look you wanted to go on this trip. I didn't. I'm more than happy to cancel and fuck you till you're stuffed like a turkey.” I see Chaehyun’s mind fight her body as she is super enticed by the idea. I see her moan as she considers it but her mind wins out and we grab a ride to the airport.

“Ugh, why can't I say no to you,” I groan to Chaehyun who smiles before saying,

“I don't know why you thought you could beat a girl from Busan,” I laugh and kiss her cheek as we settle into the bed on the plane.

Chaehyun smiled and demanded another kiss and another and additional after that before taking my face and smashing our lips together. When she breaks it I see a familiar glint in her eye.

“No, we are not doing that I say before turning over and going to sleep next to her. Chaehyun groans annoyed.

[idyllcy]

don't miss me

word count: 9.4k

warnings: smut, nsfw

summary: it's you. It's been you, and it'll be you.

"uWAHHHHH!!" You sob, slamming your head into your hands.

"You have got to stop confessing to people who don't like you." Dick grumbles, sliding you the box of tissues on the table. "He's made it pretty clear that he has no interest."

"I'm bound to get to him at some point." You sit up, blowing your nose. "Come on."

"He's the school's hotshot."

"And you're captain of the varsity football team," You cough. "If I can tutor you and become friends with you, then the captain of the baseball team should be no big deal."

It's a strange place to find himself in. Dick had gone to you for help in one of his classes in exchange for enough money to fund your four years of college, and in exchange, you had taught him everything he needed for his classes. He went from risking the chance to stay on the team to having the best grade out of all of his teammates. He's thankful for you, he supposes, and he's the school's most wanted boy. He has more than enough of a fan club behind him.

He wonders why he was put in a public school instead of the private ones his brothers were put into. It wasn't as if Bruce lacked the money to put him into one.

"ANYWAY!" You toss the tissue into the trash behind you, stand up, and throw your fists in the air. "I will continue to confess!"

"Why not just go out with me?"

You pout at him, batting your lashes. "And potentially end up on a good chunk of the school's hit list? No thank you, Richard."

"Dick. Come on, it's not that bad."

You shrug, going back to the papers in your binder. "I'm not into you."

"We spend so much time together. We're bound to end up together, you know?"

"If you pull a psychology term on me I will punt you."

"You don't have the strength for that."

"I'll kill myself to change the trajectory of your life forever."

"That'd be very flattering for you to do."

"Ew."

But in the small classroom walls that confine the two of you, there's not much for the two of you to argue over. It's just a tutor-tutee relationship. There's nothing more. You don't understand why you rant out all of your frustrations to him when he has nothing to do with them, but you suppose it's not that much. Maybe it was silly to think that he would care. He probably doesn't. Dick was never your friend by choice, after all. It would be foolish to believe that he could care about you at all.

"I like you!" You yell from the bleachers, blowing a kiss, the rest of the school screaming along. The baseball captain shoots down your confession with a flick of his hand, and you pout.

It's fun to waste your youth pining over someone who doesn't love you back. It's not as if it mattered either. You would all scramble once you finished high school. Graduation was just around the corner. It didn't matter if he didn't like you back. It was so much funnier when they didn't.

You hear a chorus of screaming behind you, causing you to glance, just for a moment, at the reason for the screams.

"Oh, look who showed up." You smile. "Miss me already? Our session isn't until Wednesday."

"Don't flatter yourself." Dick's hands guide you to sit back down, standing next to you. "I came to scout out my competition."

"I thought you were still in that friends with benefits thing with Kori." You raise a brow at him.

"Broke it a while back." He hums. "How do you find this interesting?"

"I don't." You hum. "I'm here because he's here." You point at the baseball captain. "Obviously."

Dick clicks his tongue disdainfully. "I come all the way for you and you tell me that you're here for him?"

"I was here first, Dick." You wave happily as the captain stares at you. "I've been here."

"Well, I've come now. Let's get you home."

"I want to watch him finish his game."

"Why him and not me?"

You tilt your head at him. "No reason. I just think the baseball captain's hotter."

"Hotter than me?"

"Yes. Hotter than you."

"Did he reject you?"

"He waved down my kiss."

"I wouldn't do that to you."

"Yeah, but I don't want you."

It's funny. Dick hears all about how you got rejected again in the most delusional way possible, from the way of "oh he breathes the same air as me so surely he's in love with me" to something more mellow like "yeah I got rejected again lol". But that was something he got used to, he supposes. The empty classroom that the two of you always sat in but never got yelled at for was a staple in his life, especially when more than half of the time he was showing up to class with bruises all over his body. Maybe fighting crime at night wasn't something he should promise to do so often. Bruce would let him focus on school if he asked. Maybe.

"You look like shit as always," You click your tongue, raising a brow at the sight of Robin coughing up blood on your balcony.

"Sorry, pretty girl," He chuckles. "Bumped into someone awful today, as you can see. Care to lend me a hand?"

"The joker? The riddler? I don't even know who you fight anymore." You haul him onto the couch, pulling the curtains behind you. "How deep is it?"

"A little wrapping will do the trick." He mumbles. "Sorry for the problem."

"You're here more than I can count on one finger." You sigh. "I'm used to it. Where's Batman?"

"He went back."

"And left you alone?"

"Yes." Robin hisses as you press the alcohol to his wound. "I'm sorry, again."

"It doesn't matter. I was up, anyway." You pause. "How long have you been fighting crime again?"

"I don't know."

"Mm." Silence. "You should rebrand soon. I heard there are two Robins now."

"I'm close." He chuckles, lifting his shirt so you can wrap the bandage around his waist. "What do you think about Nightwing?"

You grumble. "Superman said something about that the other day in his interview. I stayed up all night drawing what I think his suit would look like."

"Can I see it?"

"If you want."

"You're graduating, right? Where are you going after?"

"New York City." You mumble. "Haven't told anyone yet, but I got into my dream school. I'm set."

"Really?"

"Yeah." You mumble. "I'm moving over summer, so don't crash here anymore unless you want to give my parents a heart attack, alright?"

"I'll miss you."

"That's cute. I can't imagine the number of people who would die to hear that from Robin from Teen Titans himself."

"I will."

You stare up at him. Maybe it was strange. It had been three years since Robin would crash land onto your balcony in the city and beg you for first aid. It had been two years since Dick Grayson had asked you for help in math, and even shorter than the time you had started designing suits for him to look at. Maybe that's why you had grown used to the way he would rest his chin on your shoulder and stare through the lazy sketches you had of what you thought he should change his outfit into. He likes the way you picture Nightwing. He's like some disco guy in the first draft and much more chill in the second.

"Can I take the pages?" He mumbles. "Please? I want it."

"So you can steal my design?"

"No. I like the disco suit you drew."

"That was a first draft." You groan.

"I can start with it."

"It's too flashy! It doesn't fit the whole Batman aesthetic!"

"Doesn't matter." He grins. "It looks like my current Robin one but in blue."

You raise a brow at him incredulously.

"I'll buy these off of you."

"With your legal account?"

"I'll send you money each month anonymously like a patent. Wait. I can't see you anymore."

"Yeah." You exhale. "You can take it, though. I can't let anyone know I've been drawing Robin's clothes. I would get targeted by too many villains."

"That's true." Robin pauses. "Has anyone seen it?"

"No."

"Can I take all of them?"

"How are you going to get all of them to Batman?"

"I'll figure out a way." He grins. "I am Robin, after all."

"Well, then, Robin," You rustle the papers, dropping them in his open hands. "I hope you keep all of them."

"I'll pin them in my room's wall."

"That's just creepy."

"Maybe to you."

Dick never expected you to let him in three years ago, in his defense. He expected you to cower in fear like the rest of people or even just slide him a first aid kit. He was not expecting you to drag him into your room and start disinfecting his wound. He learned so much more about who you were through his interactions with you as Robin than he did as Dick. All he hears from you during the day is how you got rejected by the captain of the baseball team again. He wonders if he should just woo you as Robin instead. You seem to like his separate identity more.

"You forgot the number in front of the integral."

"No way." He grumbles.

"Yeah." You point. "Minor mistakes. It'll be fixed with some practice. I'm sure."

"When are we stopping this?"

"Eager to get me out of your hair already? After senior finals, of course."

"Are you going to keep confessing to captain until then?"

"Why?"

"I'm suggesting you give me a chance, of course." Dick stares at you.

"There you go again with that," You yawn. "Are you sure it's not because I'm your type? Scratch that. I don't even think I'm your type."

"And if you were?"

"That would be very interesting considering your dating history." You grimace.

Dick grumbles in response. He didn't have something for that one.

It's ironic to think that someone else in the school would die to date the man in front of you. You wonder why you don't like him sometimes. You're sure he's someone straight out of a movie, a guy who everyone would want to be with at least once in their life. He almost reminds you of the other football boys on his team. Maybe this was a movie. The jock ends up with his tutor. Some sort of cliché love story that you would never touch, ever again.

Robin crash lands on your balcony again before you can think more of it.

"Sorry!"

"What brings you here today? Ivy?"

"Yeah! How'd you know?" He sits up, a grin on his face.

"You smell like herbs all over you." You grimace.

"Woah, sharp nose." Robin mumbles. "Can you ramble about your high school to me?"

"Oh. You wanna hear about how I have a crush on the captain of the football team? The guy I tutor?"

"yOU WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LIKED THE BASEBALL GUY." Robin gasps, jaw dropped in shock.

"I changed my mind." You hum, fishing out the disinfectant from the first aid kit. "I won't admit it to his face, of course, but I think he's kind of fine. That man is infuratingly attractive. Who gave him his bone structure? He looks like a greek statue or something. I want him carnally."

"Are you going to ask him out?"

"And do long distance in this day and age?" You laugh. "No. I'm going to keep pretending that I like the baseball captain until the end of graduation. I'd like to be remembered as a fool. Besides, I don't think Dick actually likes me that way. I heard something about him and Kori in the halls and I don't want to be part of that. I heard he slept with a good chunk of the girls sports team captains too. I don't know. I'd prefer not to know. All I know is that I don't want to be part of that mess."

Robin peels his shirt up, pouting. "I thought you said confessing was the best form of closure."

"Not when dating your crush is going to get half of the school on your back. I've lived without being in the spotlight for long enough. I plan on doing that after school." You press the gauze to his wound, causing him to hiss. "You good?"

"Hurts."

"I'm sure it does." You deadpan.

"Why not tell him?"

"You seem very invested in my love life with this dude."

"I'm bored. I keep getting beat up these days, so I have to listen to something to get it off my mind." Robin pouts as you wrap the bandage around his waist.

"Did you gain more muscle?"

"Does it look that way?"

"A little." You raise a brow.

"I work out more in my free time."

"You know, maybe I like the stupid football guy because he reminds me of you too much."

"You like me?"

"I thought you were a good detective."

"I am."

"And you didn't know?"

"I didn't want to point it out." He mumbles. "Maybe you'd get uncomfortable."

"Alright." You yawn, closing the first aid kit. "This is one of the last times you're crashing. ever."

"Why?"

"I go on vacation in a couple weeks and I'm going to start packing for moving. You aren't going to be able to see me in a long time."

"Can I get a goodbye kiss?" He pouts.

"You're a nightmare, Robin," You help him stand up, pressing your lips to his cheek. "I hope I see you as Nightwing one day."

"I can promise you that."

You wonder some days if you should just tell Dick that you have a crush on him. You call him his government for shits and giggles, and you barely pay enough attention to what he does in tutoring these days. Maybe you were just destined to be stuck with someone like him. Yet, even as graduation approaches, you find there's no use sticking close to those ideas. You'll never see him again. It's pointless to admit your crush now.

"So? What's your answer?"

"I'm still in love with the baseball guy," You sigh blissfully, eyes far away. "He's so... dreamy."

"The only difference between the two of us is that I have better grades." Dick raises his brow.

"Richard." You yawn. "I could fix him."

"You absolutely could not."

"You're right. I could not." You laugh. "Isn't it fun being delusional? I think it's great."

"It is absolutely not."

"Maybe to you, Richard." You yawn. "I find it quite amusing to daydream about myself with a person who would never look at me twice."

"If you ask me." He clicks his tongue. "I'd say he thinks about you a lot more now."

"Oh, really?" You tilt your head. "I still don't find myself believing that fact."

"It's hard to think about it." He grimaces. "He asked me for your number the other day."

"Did you give it to him?"

"You said to ask first. I forgot to ask."

"Are you sure you forgot?"

"I didn't give it to him on purpose." He grins.

"Sly, sly, boy." You chuckle. "Oh, right. I forgot to give you the worksheets."

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

"Too bad." You rummage through your bag, handing him a stack of papers. "I'll see you after school."

"You expect me to do this during practice?"

"You're off-season. You barely train." You stand up, dusting off your hands. "Have fun."

Dick glances at the papers. "Wait-"

The door clicks behind you, and Dick sits there, staring at the stack of papers.

Dick lets his curiosity get the best of him, flipping through the pages, reading through your sketches and messy notes. It's neat, uncrumpled, to the point. The drawings are messy, but each part of his suit as Robin has been noted down. His weapons have been detailed, and he wonders if you had been doing more than just checking out his gadgets whenever he crashed your apartment. Maybe you were carefully calculating everything just as you had with his math homework. Perhaps he would get separated from you years later and never see you again.

He finds himself at your final period of the day, knocking on the door.

"Come in."

"Ah, Mrs. Baker," He smiles. "My tutor left this during lunch, so I came to hand it back to her."

You stare at Dick, getting out of your seat to take the papers from him with the actual packet in your other hand. "My apologies. I will see you after school."

A girl in the class faints while the others scream.

You sit back in your seat, staring at the note he left in your stack.

There was no point in caring for things that would inevitably pass.

So, neither of you mention anything ever again. The tutoring goes on as normal, the confessions do as well. There's something consistently hanging in the air between the two of you that neither addresses. The elephant in the room is neither seen nor discussed. The stories of your youth no longer matter to you, and you graduate top of the class, valedictorian, going to the school of your choice. It didn't matter that you had just stopped pining after the baseball captain one day. No one would know why. Maybe. Except Dick.

Dick learns to move on with life, slowly. You sit in the back of his mind when he's bored while on patrol, staring down at the city, wondering if you had ever considered him to even be an option. But he finds no space in thinking about you. He had his own job. The two of you had grown up, maybe you before him. The two of you were just. High school friends. Maybe not even friends. He thinks about your signature in his yearbook often. Maybe he would find you one day. It would come slower. Maybe.

But he leaves your mind as quickly as he had been there, left behind with Gotham when you had stepped foot into your dream school. You find your success in life as easily as you had executed whatever plan it had been in high school. You're quickly where you want to be in life, top of the city, sipping margaritas with your friends when you grow bored. It's something that someone has dreamed of, and it's something that you have considered. Maybe you would consider staying where you are longer had it not been for the obscenely high crime rate lately.

"I heard Jessica got mugged the other weekend." One of your friends sighs. "Are you feeling better?"

"I am." Jessica mumbles. "Oh, but there was this super hot hero who saved me! I tried asking for his name, but he never told me. Black suit, blue bird thing on his chest. He was so... dreamy!"

"Jessica, darling," Another woman chimes in. "I'm sure you've gone delusional. New York City does not have people saving them. Our crime rate is just a nightmare in itself."

"Was it Nightwing? You know, the... superhero?" You furrow your brows. "I think that's what he is."

"Is that his name?!" She gushes. "He's sooo romantic!"

"Jessica, aren't you engaged?"

"Awh, it's not as if I'd ever get a chance with him."

You chuckle. "Did he look good?"

"So good. God. His black hair? I thought I was going to lose my mind."

"Darling," A woman reaches their hand for yours. "How do you know about Nightwing?"

"I read Gotham Daily for fun." You smile. "It's good to keep up with what's been going on in my home city."

"Right! Then surely you know Nightwing?"

"Know is a little bit of an overstatement." You grimace. "I don't know him personally. I know about him."

"Oh, well." Jessica chuckles. "I'm sure you'll get to know him so much more soon."

"What."

"He asked if I knew anyone by your name, so I told him your add-"

"You gave my house address to a random man who saved you?!" You yell. "That's stupid!"

"He was asking for you!"

"Why?"

"I don't know." Jessica holds back a laugh. "I told him your studio address."

"At least it wasn't my house address," You mumble. "But I'm holed up in that hellhole when I get bored, so I suppose it's the equivalent of giving him my house address."

"He's got real defined muscles-"

"Okay, Jessica, I think that's enough for the night. I'll call your fiancé for you."

"Ugh. He's so fine."

"We get it, darling."

You help her into her fiancé's car, watching as the two of them drive away. The other ladies all head off, and you stand there in the night. It's not half as cold as you're expecting it to be, but you suppose being alone at night is a little lonely. You purse your lips, clicking on your phone to call an Uber to your studio. You didn't feel like staying home. Maybe sketching your frustrations out in the studio would do something better.

"Alone at night, sweetheart?"

You turn to face the voice.

"...Nightwing?"

He's in the second design.

"Miss me?"

"I don't know, actually." You mumble. "I was just feeling a little betrayed that Jessica just gave you my address like that."

"I checked it out. It's a nice little studio. Are you still up to big things?"

You shrug. "I bet you read the magazines about me."

"I do." He chuckles. "I have your sketches pinned on my walls still, even when I moved." He leans in, breath tickling your ear. "Shall I take you home?"

"To the studio, if you will."

"Hold on tight." He wraps an arm around your waist, launching the grappling hook. "I don't remember if you've ever flown with me."

"I have not." You cling onto him, grimacing. "Please do not drop me. You aren't Spiderman."

"Should I be offended that you're comparing me to a fictional superhero?"

"I'm going to die if you do."

"We're here." He lands on the rooftop.

"Why the sudden move?"

"Am I not allowed to follow my favorite designer to the ends of the earth?"

"Yeah. It's a little creepy, honestly." You scrunch your nose. "Did something go wrong with your suit?"

"No." He mumbles. "Maybe. I don't know."

You raise a brow at him.

"Nothing went wrong. I just missed you."

"Missed me or having a place to patch up that wasn't Batman?"

"Both." He mumbles. "Can I see your designs?"

"So you can steal them?"

"Not fair. You're the one who let me steal them." Nightwing pouts. "I still have them on my wall, if you want to visit my place."

"That's a little too early." You imitate his pout, leaning back, his arm still around your waist. "Don't you think?"

"For someone who's caught you naked when you were in high school, I don't think so." He hums, hand leaving your waist. "Will you show me around?"

"Since you asked so nicely."

It's strange to see him again after so many years. You were sure that Robin — Nightwing — would come to forget you at some point. You had heard more stories about how he had been such a great protector of the city at dark alongside Batman, so you suppose that inevitably he probably had found someone on the way. You heard he had a thing with Batgirl at some point. You wonder why he didn't stay with her. The newspapers were just as shocked as you were when they found out they broke up.

"I heard you had a thing for redheads." You hum, opening the door on the rooftop. "You know. With the whole dating thing on the magazines."

"I suppose I am weak to them." He follows you down the stairs, pausing when you fish out a key and open the door. "Jealou-"

You cut him off. "Welcome to my studio."

"Are those superhero suits?"

"I was trying to figure out what fabrics would work to avoid acid burns." You shrug. "Old habits. I was thinking of visiting Gotham a little later and I was worried I'd get caught up in another attack."

"You'll be fine. Robin is surprisingly competent."

"Are you guys like one big family or something?"

"No." You catch the way he pauses in inhaling. "Nope."

"Sure." You yawn. "I'm crashing. Please be gone by morning."

"Aw, you don't want to see me?"

"I can't tailor anything for you. Go to bed."

"Superheros don't sleep."

"You're human. Night." You close the door to the bed in the studio, and Nightwing looks around at the papers scattered on the floor. New York could survive a day without him.

You wake up the next morning to Nightwing still in your studio, staring at the sketches on the floor.

"Did you end up giving this one to Kid Flash?"

"There's no use. He's dead." You yawn, opening your laptop.

"Didn't need to remind me like that."

"Nightwing. Don't you have a home to go to?"

"I'm exhausted, true." He yawns. "You're contagious."

"Whatever helps you sleep." You grumble. "Stupid emails. Go home."

"And if I want to stay?"

"I'll peel your mask off." You sigh. "Now go."

"Can I crash some other time?"

"If you can find my apartment."

"Shall I bet on it, sweetheart?"

You tilt your head at him, raising a brow. "Be my guest."

Sometime between where you are now and where you had left Dick, he had caught up. Maybe it had been a chase he was doing unconsciously. Maybe he missed the way you would patch him up in your apartment at night no matter how late he found himself in your room. Maybe he missed the way you would take him out for dinner if he did well on a test. Maybe he just missed you. He finds himself staring at you in the grocery store, lips parted in mild surprise. He wasn't expecting to run into you here. He thought you'd stay holed up in your studio for the day.

"...Richard?"

"Dick." He corrects.

"It is you!" You mumble. "What are you doing in New York? I thought you were working for law enforcement at Gotham."

"Change of plans, change of place." It wasn't exactly a lie. He needed to leave that place. He doesn't know why he picked your city of all places, though. "You?"

"I've been here."

"I suppose." he hums. "Is it nice here?"

"Safer than Gotham." You laugh dryly. "I can't believe Nightwing left that place."

"Why?"

You turn to stare at him. "I figured he'd want to stay close to Batman."

"The first always wants to leave and explore." Dick smiles.

"A psychology fact or just something small?"

"An observation not proven by experiments." He hums. "Why are you here?"

"Low on oat milk." You mumble, reaching for the fridge door.

"You're really living that New York City life, huh?"

"Maybe."

"Do you miss Gotham?"

"Never." You pause. "I only miss it because someone used to crash my place."

"Someone?"

"Secret." You smile at him. "Have fun in New York."

"If you don't mind." He mumbles. "Can we exchange numbers again?"

"I never changed my old one."

It never struck Dick that maybe you would keep your old number. You had no reason to keep it, after all. Yet, as he clicks open a conversation that he hadn't touched in years but still kept, he wonders if the two of you had just stopped in time. Maybe he had just chosen you from the start. It wasn't as if his high school life was conventional. The popularity at school meant nothing to him in retrospect.

So, he finds himself staring at the ice cream aisle for a little too long, staring at your favorite flavor an uncomfortable amount of time. Maybe it would be his housewarming gift for you as someone crashing into your room. He should go home soon, he supposes. The sun was setting quickly, and he had to do nightly patrol.

He wonders if he'll just crash into your apartment out of instinct.

So, after a quick clean-up and call to the police, he finds himself landing on a random balcony. He could be wrong. He was sure this could just be some complete stranger's balcony, but it could also be right. He had a feeling that you were inside, as he always did. He finds a strange sense of deja vu, especially as Nightwing. He wanted to pay you a visit on the first day in your super-suit, but you had taped the notice that you were already gone.

"I'm surprised you actually found this place." You tilt your head at him as you open the door. "Come in."

"Weird sense of deja vu, no?"

"Almost." You yawn, noticing a bag in his hand. "What's that?"

"Housewarming."

"I don't recall telling you my favorite ice cream flavor, ever."

"Lucky guess."

"Sure, hero." You hum. "I'm too tired to be a good host, so do what you want."

"Could you wrap me up? That's all I want."

"You're hurt?"

"It's not easy out on these streets."

"Better be no cuts."

"Just a handful of bruises."

"I'll get the ice." You sigh. "Why do you always come at the most unconventional times of day."

"Maybe I just like you when you're half drunk on sleep depravity, pretty girl."

"I'm going to punch you." You grumble, activating the ice pack from your first aid kid, and throwing it at him. Nightwing fails to notice the way your ears burn from the nickname.

"Is it just one bedroom?"

"Did you think I lived in a penthouse?"

"Kind of."

"I live alone. There's no need." You blink. "Knock yourself out. I'll be in bed."

"Sweetheart."

"Yes?"

"Have you ever considered me to be a man?"

"As in jump me? No." You hum. "I have security cameras in all four corners of the room. If you did, I would have the evidence to prove you as some creepy guy in my house."

"Even if I'm Nightwing?"

"Even if you're Nightwing."

Dick watches as you completely fall asleep in your bed, ignoring the way that he gets up to sit by you, staring at your sleeping form. You were always too vulnerable with the wrong people, maybe. You had handed him all of your designs in a heartbeat, spilling out everything that had ever plagued your mind in a breath. He rests his chin on the plush of your mattress, breathing matching yours, staring at you. He wonders if this was what he had moved to New York for. Crashing your room at the unholy hours of the night and catching up with you. It's a foolish dream of his. You could never love him back at himself, so he resorts to crashing your apartment and asking for patching up as Nightwing instead.

"Pretty girl." He mumbles, sitting up, pressing a kiss to a lock of your hair. "Missed you."

You wake up to Nightwing gone, the balcony door closed, thankfully, and a splitting headache. You wonder if your all-nighters have finally caught up with you. Maybe they have. You're caught between wondering if you should text a friend to bring food for you or just ordering off of some overpriced delivery app in the most overpriced city in the country. You decide against both, falling asleep in your bed covers as your fever rages on. How exhausting.

You wake up to the sound of your doorbell, tugging yourself out of bed, taking your gun with you.

"Who is it?"

"It's me."

You open the door to your apartment, squinting at the man.

"Come back another time. I feel like shit right now." You grumble, reaching to close the door on Dick.

"If you're sick, shouldn't you need someone to take care of you?"

"My secretary can."

"You have a secretary?"

You sniff. "Yeah."

"I heard she's on break from the twitter updates account. Let me in. I promise I won't burn your kitchen down." Dick mumbles.

You frown. "And you're not going to jump me?"

"No."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Well, if you do." You mumble, showing him the gun in your other hand. "I have this bad boy."

"You have a gun?"

"You never know who's going to break in." You grumble, opening the door to let him in.

"Do you have groceries?"

"I was at the store yesterday. Make do with what I have. Or something." You blink, pulling the blanket further over yourself. "I feel like I've been struck in half by an axe."

"Go rest up." Dick places a hand on your forehead, resting his forehead on yours. "You're burning."

"I think I know that much." You shuffle back to your bed, laying flat on it.

"Do you have Advil?"

"Tylenol's in the cabinet. Might be expired. I've had it forever."

"It's not." He mumbles, getting a glass of water for you as well. "Come on."

You sit up, swallowing the pills with the water, head still spinning. "Thermometer's in the same cabinet."

Dick presses the infrared thermometer to your head, staring at your temperature. "You're awfully hot."

"Thanks." You grumble. "You haven't said that since high school."

"What do you usually do when sick?"

"I haven't been sick since I moved out." You blink slowly, lying back down. "Don't trash the place."

"I won't."

You pass out.

It's ironic. Dick was in your apartment less than twelve hours ago as Nightwing, and now he was in your apartment cooking you soup that he doesn't remember ever learning the recipe of. He missed this. He missed you. Maybe that was why all those women had looked at him at some point in their relationship and told him that he liked someone else. How pitiful of him. To love someone yet date someone else.

But you recover just as quick. Almost as if you were waiting for him to just enter your apartment and take care of you. It was as if your body just needed him once. You don't know. You wake up to Dick sprawled on your couch and your body all dehydrated. There's a bowl of soup next to you that's still warm, and you start eating it as you take your own temperature. It's day. You don't know if it's the same day or you slept through an entire day, but the sun is out, and you feel a little better.

"Do you want help?" Dick opens one of his eyes to stare at you, and you blink at him.

"I'll be fine. Thank you for staying overnight."

"Of course." He hums.

Nightwing crashes two nights later, tumbling down your fire escape. You clutch the gun in your hand and stare at the balcony.

"Just me, sweetheart."

"What a crash landing." You mumble, opening the window to let him in. "What is it this time? We really shouldn't have that many supervillains here."

"Less, that's true." Nightwing hums. "But I still got a good beating." He laughs.

"You're going to be permanently bruised at this rate." You haul him through the window, sighing. "What do you want this time? More bandages? Gauze? A trip to the ER? My soul?"

"Nope. Just checking to see how my favorite girl is doing."

"Now that's just creepy."

"That is not!"

"Oh, no it definitely is." You sigh.

"Are you feeling better?"

You tilt your head as Nightwing pulls his suit up to show you the bruise. "I had a splitting fever yesterday. I'm better now."

"That's good. You didn't answer when I knocked yesterday."

"So you guessed I was sick?"

"Greatest detective in Gotham, remember?"

"Yeah, but this is New York." You mumble, breaking another ice pack to press to his bruise. "I'm sure there's someone better than you."

"Really?"

"I'm sure of it."

Nightwing swings by your apartment every other night. You don't understand how he has the time for that, but you don't question it or anything else. Too many questions lead to too many thoughts. You try not to think of much when you're hanging out with him every other night.

"At this point, I'm going to become nocturnal." You grumble, hanging off the edge of the couch.

"Just for me?"

You raise a brow. "No."

"Are you still designing?"

"Here's a new sketch." You hand him a random paper from the ones all over the ground, and he stares at it.

"A new design for me?"

"No. Just an alternate outfit."

"Can't you get it sewn up for me?"

"I don't like you that much." You grumble.

Nightwing rests his chin on your shoulder huffing.

Somewhere between the crashing apartments and movie nights, you found yourself tangled in Nightwing's limbs, closer to him than you could have imagined in the past. You wonder if any traces of Robin are there, the bruises and scars littered all over his body. You wonder if he had ever liked you. In the empty nights that you had spent with Robin, you found yourself enamored by him. It was foolish for you to ever develop those feelings, so you wonder if Nightwing can read it off of you. He probably can.

"I can't make it in two days." Nightwing mumbles, adjusting the blanket draped over the two of you.

"Mm," You mumble. "Why not?"

Nightwing goes silent, staring at the screen. "Breach of privacy, don't you think, sweetheart?"

"So now I'm not allowed to hear about what you're doing in your free time?"

"Hero's secret." He rests his hand on your shin, tracing mindless circles on your skin. "You'll forgive me, right? Sweetheart?"

You grumble, looking to the side.

"I'm not going to be patroling that day, anyway."

"Oh, yeah." You mumble. "I'm not home that day either. I'm supposed to help Dick move into his new apartment."

"Cheating on me, pretty girl?"

"I was two timing you guys in high school, sure." You pause. "Speaking of Dick. I don't remember ever giving him my home address. How did he even find me?"

Nightwing taps your shin twice. "You sure you didn't text it to him?"

"I swear I didn't-" You pause when you see a conversation with Dick, sending him your full address. "Strange. I don't remember."

"Are you showing early signs of memory loss?"

"Don't be a dick," You pout. "Maybe I texted him while half delirious."

"I have to go, sweetheart," He mumbles, brushing your hair back and pressing a kiss to the corner of your eye. "The city calls."

"I was thinking about it," You tuck your legs back to your chest, staring at him as he clasps everything back onto his outfit. "We should really stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Whatever it is we are doing." You mumble. "The whole... situationship thing."

"Do you not want me anymore?"

"I'd prefer to actually find someone." You adjust the blanket on yourself, clicking to lower the tv volume. "That's not right. I can't date a superhero. I think that's more normal. I don't even know who you are."

Nightwing opens his mouth, closing it when he remembers he can't argue with you on it.

"Does that mean I can't crash anymore?"

"No." You huff. "No more cuddling."

"And if I ask you out?"

"No point." You grumble. "I'd be dating a superhero and not a human."

"I thought you said I was human?"

You pause. "But I don't know who you are. You could be some creepy forty year old for all I know."

"'Kay, now that's just rude, sweetheart. I am not forty."

"Yeah, yeah," You grumble. "Ask me out in your civilian form if you really want me that bad."

"Is that a deal?"

"As long as it isn't out of nowhere."

Nightwing disappears into the city, and you glance at the movie still playing in the background.

Dick thanks you for the help with moving apartments. You wonder how he managed to end up as your neighbor, but as he kicks the remaining boxes into the complex, you don't really complain. You could be sitting in your room drawing something insane for Nightwing right now. Maybe it was a healthy break from the guy you've been falling in love with. You wonder why he didn't just stop seeing you once he found out you liked him.

"You look like you're thinking hard."

"That's definitely not something you know how to do?"

"Ey. I'm not stupid. Remember? I was salutatorian." Dick raises a brow, opening one of the boxes.

"I forgot." You pause. "Wasn't your brother suspended?"

"Yeah. He was quite a handful."

"He was funny," You hum, opening another box. "I found him really amusing."

"Makes you think hard about family dynamics."

"Really does." You hand him decorations to go around the apartment from the floor, and you pause when you see a binder. "What's this?"

"Oh, you weren't supposed to see that." He takes it from your hands, holding it behind himself. "You were not supposed to see that."

You glance at the paper flutter out of the binder, and you reach for it, pausing at the familiarity.

"Did you... where did you get this?"

"I found it at a thrift store." He smiles.

"Thrift stores don't sell old sketches by people drawn during high school for superheros." You deadpan.

"An antique store?"

"Spit it out, Richard." You furrow your brows, pulling your lip up. "Are you Nightwing or did you rob him? I doubt both of them, so your explanation better be convincing."

"I like you."

"what."

"Let's go out."

"Where is this coming from?" You shake your head in confusion.

"Um. Two nights ago?"

You pause. "I didn't see-"

You blink at Dick tuck the paper back into the binder, placing it on the kitchen counter.

"YOU'RE ACTUALLY FUCKING NI-"

"I'd prefer if you kept that revelation to yourself. These walls aren't soundproof."

You gawk at him. "I was wrapping you up every single fucking night at Gotham?"

"Yes?"

You sit there, hands lax, hanging from the box, questioning every single thing you had ever told him up to this point.

"YOU LISTENED TO ME TALK ABOUT HOW INFURIATINGLY HOT I FOUND YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?!"

"...yes."

You slam your head into your hands, head spinning from the impact and realization. You told Nightwing you found him hot. You told Dick, who had crashed into your room almost every day at Gotham, all about how you thought he was attractive, but there was no point in telling him. You kissed him on the cheek in high school. The more you think about it, the more you question your presence in the room and the more you want to dig a hole and die in it. You were such an embarassment.

"I think I'm going to dig a hole and bury myself." You look up from your hands.

"Please don't do that." Dick mumbles, stepping next to you. "Do you hate me that much? You said you-"

"Yeah." You purse your lips. "Yes. But this is very out of the blue and I need a couple days to process all of this information."

"Your break ends in a couple of days."

"UGH!" You cry, dragging your hands down your face. "I would say yes but oh my god. This is embarassing. So embarassing."

"Yes."

You blink slowly.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"It's a yes." You answer in a heartbeat. "Please give me a couple days to come to terms with it, though."

"Anything." He mumbles, kissing your forehead.

Dating Dick Grayson is an experience. He's quiet, slow, and he takes his time with you. You find yourself in his apartment more and more despite the ever-sinking knowledge that he's Nightwing. You forget sometimes — only for him to crash through his balcony and roll into your arms. It's worrying now that you're actually dating him. There's a fear that he'd go missing like his brother and maybe even die. The idea that he was returning to the police force wasn't any more comforting.

"Why here?" You mumble, peeling the suit off of his body. "We can go back to Gotham if you really want."

"Why would you move back to Gotham with me?"

"I've been working online for the past year." You sigh. "I never knew when you'd come crash landing into the house during night so I sold my studio. I'm always worried you'll go missing on me one day."

"You're willing to move back with me?"

You heave, picking the mask off of his face.

"Really?"

"Your family is there." You whisper, almost scared as though your voice would give out on you. "Mine is too."

"You'll go back with me?" He holds onto your forearms, eyes sparkling.

"Yeah."

You don't know what prompts you to tell him that at the dead of the night only a month into dating him, but it just felt right. It was strange to believe that you had been so willing to move so quickly despite dating him for such a short time. You weren't even sure if you would be able to last past the three-month mark. Maybe it was a mistake of some sort. To move with Dick so quickly. You don't know how you're supposed to decide so fast.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Dick grabs your wrist, causing you to stop with the wrapping. "You've wrapped four more layers than you usually do."

"Do you think we'll last past the three month mark?" You whisper, almost as if you were asking the wind and not him.

"Yeah." Dick hums, helping you rip the bandage. "It'll be fine."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He smiles. "I haven't lied to you before, love."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm." He kisses you gently, body warmth grounding you. "I promise."

You tuck the rest of the bandages back into the first aid kit, and Dick pulls you into his lap, peppering kisses over your face and neck. It causes you to giggle, smile erupting on your face as butterflies had when you had fallen for him the first time. The worries melt away as Dick runs his hand up and down your back soothingly. You were lucky. The wait was worth it, you think. He was an angel.

"Let me know when to stop," He mumbles against your lips before going back to making out with you, kisses light on your skin.

You squirm in his lap, his hands holding your hips down, giving you just enough space so that you don't bruise. His tongue slips into your mouth at some point, your eyes going half-lidded, welcoming him with fervor. Dick's hands trace circles on your hip, hands snuck underneath your shirt to tug at your bra, unclasping it with his free hand, lips never leaving yours. Your hands reach down for his shirt, tugging at the fabric, fiddling with the fabric. Dick smiles against your lips, pulling away.

A strand of saliva breaks from your lips as he does. "Struggling, pretty girl?"

"Yeah." You huff, watching as Dick pulls it over his head.

"Pretty baby," He laughs. "Feel better?"

"Yeah," You mumble, leaning down to bite his clavicle. You suck on it gently as Dick traces a hand past your shorts down to your clit, drawing lazy circles on your clit, humming lowly, vibrations traveling straight to your core.

"Pretty girl..." He sighs as you let go of his collar with a pop, sliding a finger from your clit into your cunt, sighing slowly as he slides his finger in further, earning a whimper from your lips. "Feel good?"

"Mhm." You gasp. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, pretty girl." He whispers against your skin. "Want me to help you out?"

"Yes, please," You mumble. "Please, Dick."

"Anything for you, sweetheart." His hands speed up, thumb trying to brush circles on your clit as his index finger curls inside of you. You wonder if he's teasing or if he really doesn't remember where your g spot is — You choke on your own thought as he finds it. "There it is."

Your fingers reach for his chest, nails digging into his pecs as he continues curling his finger, adding another one inside of you. He hisses quietly as your nails dig deep enough to draw blood, a trail of red following the scratch as he continues with his fingers inside of you.

"Pretty girl, on the back please."

"Sorry," You move your hands to his back, yelping as he starts again. You clench on his fingers as he curls them once more, your orgasm ripping through your skin; the sweat wraps your body in a thin sheen of white, reflecting the dim lighting of the apartment. You curl into him, your whole body shaking from the orgasm, lips parted in a silent cry. You blink to try and catch your breath, coughing.

"Sweetheart?"

"I get why you've had so many exes now." You mumble.

"I like you the best." He mumbles, pressing a kiss to the corner of your eye.

"I bet you say that to all of them."

"Only to my favorites." He hums. "Just you."

You look at him doubtfully.

"I promise."

You close your eyes, head ringing. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

You move to get rid of your shorts as Dick slides his boxers off, straddling him and sinking down slowly. You stay there to adjust, and wait, mind wandering slowly as Dick starts bouncing you. You keep your voice to yourself, only small whimpers and light gasps slipping past your lips. Your eyes cloud over as your brain goes on autopilot. Dick notices quickly, stopping altogether when you don't seem to respond.

"Babe?"

You stare at him.

"What's wrong?"

"I'll be fine." You smile.

You count with fingers in your mind, from one hand to the next, then back to the original hand, changing so that one counts the fives and the other counts the other single digits, and then the tens and the single digits. You don't know why you're counting them, but it seems like a lot or too little — too little yet too much. Your mind spins gently, slowly, almost as if the thoughts were like murky water, pulling you down slowly, waiting for a moment to drown you wholeheartedly.

"Babe." Dick tries again, calloused fingers brushing over your hip. "Talk to me."

"I thought you were the one who sucked at communication." You blink back slowly, not registering your words. "You know?"

"I usually do, but I learn."

"I suppose you do." You stare at him. "I'm scared."

"Of us?"

"Yeah." You whisper. "It's in the back of my mind constantly. What if you return dead one day like you did to Barbara so many years ago?"

"I wasn't dead-"

"You were shot in the head." You whimper. "You." You go quiet, resting your head in the crook of his neck, closing your eyes. "I've done nothing with you."

"Pretty girl-"

"Your life as Nightwing was in Barb's hands." You start. "The two of you have done so much together. The news went insane when they found out you were engaged to her and set to marry her. I was so ready to see the news of a marriage, and then it seemed that you had just broken the engagement out of nowhere — and then I find out that you moved out of Blüdhaven and disappeared from the very city you poured your whole heart into and find you out here on the streets of New york? What — what kind of madness did I read in the morning newspaper, you, you left the city you fell in love with for the streets of New York?? Do you know how — how preposterous you sounded when you said that? It was as if I had been told that Batman was actually Bruce Wayne or something, it was so—"

"Babe." Dick whispers. "Babe."

"... insane of you to just do something — yeah?" You mumble. "Sorry. We're having sex and I'm—"

"I find it endearing," He laughs, resuming the circles on your hip. "But I'm with you now. Not with Babs." He smiles. "You. I moved here to New York after becoming Blüdhaven's billionaire savior because of you. I didn't move anywhere for any of my exes, right?"

You avoid his gaze, swallowing out of guilt.

"Don't feel bad for doubting me." He smiles. "I understand why."

"I guess that makes two trust issues havers in this relationship." You frown playfully.

"Well," He hums, standing up, switching positions to place you underneath him. "If you don't mind."

"God. I think I should get fucked silly. I hate my brain."

"Then what'll happen to all of my outfits?"

"Just find someone else." You grumble, kicking your legs over him. "I'm sure you can handle it."

"Really?" He thrusts into you sharply, causing you to gasp. "Really."

"Dick Grayson, just get on with it." You grumble.

You wonder sometimes where he had all the energy to patrol, work, and fuck you, but you suppose stamina training might've been part of the curriculum with Batman. Your nails dig into his shoulders as he pounds into you, mess of slick and cum following Dick's cock as he slides in and out of you, the sound of skin slapping skin filling the room. Dick pants into your ears, head spinning, drunk on the lust as he continues, fingers flying to your clit frantically, desperate to get you off. You're drunk off the same lust, hands moving to pull his lips to yours, mouth open and drool all over you two's chins.

It's messy.

You gasp and curl as you get closer, heels digging into the back of his thigh to try and have him deeper, his name slipping past your lips like a mantra, your mind melting into mush over him. Dick mumbles under his breath, marveling at how pretty you look with drool slipping down your chin and clouded eyes. You're gorgeous when you're reduced to a mess that can only gasp his name and pull at his hair. Crying lightly, you whimper about how you were close, spurring Dick to move impossibly faster. You cum with a clench of your walls and a cry caught in your throat, and Dick joins you, hips stuttering as he spills into you with a whimper.

Dick pulls out and collapses on top of you, a soft 'oof' slipping past your lips as he does.

"So... Gotham?"

"Give me two business days to recover from you."

"Yes babe."

The flight to the Wayne Manor is a little strange to you. You keep your apartment, and Dick ends his lease. You're told you get to fly back and forth whenever necessary, and you wonder if staying at the Wayne Manor and publicly getting involved with Dick was a great idea. Yet, you don't really care. You like sketching suit designs for the family in the Batcave. You also like going through the mess of Batman's closet and looking through every single design he has ever sported. Some of them were atrocious.

You turn to stare at the person enterring the Batcave.

"Pretty girl."

"Hey." You hum, leaning back to look at Dick.

"Drawing again?"

"I got bored and ended up here looking for inspiration."

"I figured." He sits next to you on the ground. "What are you drawing?"

"I was redrawing your original outfit as Nightwing," You smile. "The disco suit that you said reminded you of your parents."

"Does it look better now?"

"Slightly?" You raise a brow at the drawing. "There could be improvements."

"Like?"

"It's too flashy," You giggle. "I like my latter design better."

"What about the red one you hid in the back of the papers?"

"Oh, god, I'm embarassed about that one." You mumble. "But you did look good in it. Didn't it help you pull? I'm sure a good chunk of people were staring at your ass."

"You bet they were." He hums. "Didn't you like staring at me in it too?"

"Yeah. Your cape as Robin got in the way too often." You deadpan. "It had to be out there."

"It looked better out."

"Definitely."

"Do you want anything to eat or drink? Alfred's upstairs preparing dinner."

"Just call me when he's ready."

You sigh as Dick presses a kiss to your cheek.

"Sweetheart?"

"Yeah?"

"Love you."

"Love you too."

[blueicequeen19]

The Storm

Warnings: loss of a loved one, grieving, drinking, drug use, rough unprotected sex

It's been six hours since we lost John B and Sarah to the tropical storm. Since Shoupe and his gang of idiots told us they didn't know anything or where they were. They couldn't find their bodies or the boat. My throat threatens to close up just thinking about it. I don't think I could cry anymore even if I wanted to. Pope and Kie were forced to return home with their parents whereas JJ stayed with me at the Chateau. I knew it was because he had no place else to go. I wouldn't return home to Luke Maybank either. So we sat on the couch and drank until we vomited. Then we drank some more. I'd never seen JJ cry and I quickly decided that I never wanted to see it again. It made our loss that much more real. That much more painful. How could we go back to our lives after this? School was supposed to start Monday. I snatched up the bottle of rum before I could think any further. I didn't want to do anything without my brother.

I look over to the snoring blonde next to me. His legs were pulled up and his feet tucked under my legs for warmth as he used the arm rest as a pillow. I was fairly certain he was drooling but I had no room to judge. I had to clean puke out of my hair earlier. I get up and wander down the hall to Bree's room. The smell of him hits me hard when I push the door open and tears immediately fill my eyes. I wanted to break something. Anything. This couldn't be happening. And what he said on the radio to Ward? That meant this shit wasn't over. Ward Cameron had to pay. I grab his comforter off his bed and shut the door behind me. I stumble down the hall and wrap myself in the comforter before dropping down on my bed for a long, much needed sleep to escape this nightmare.

I don't know how much time has passed when I finally peel my eyes open. I don't feel any better. My head is still groggy and aching and my mouth is beyond dry. I manage to pull myself up and take a shower, taking extra time to wash my hair and brush my teeth. At least I could make myself look put together even though my life was ruined. I rake my hands through my hair, stepping out of the bathroom to find JJ in the middle of changing, his bare ass on full display.

"Whoa, sorry." I immediately turned around, the image of his ass forever burned into my brain. JJ stays silent. My heart ached even more. I hated when other people were hurting, even if I was in pain myself. "Do you want pancakes?" I ask.

"No." JJ grumbles. I sigh. He needed to eat. So did I. There's more rummaging through things behind me when he suddenly brushes past me and goes into the bathroom, slamming the door in my face. I turn back to face the bedroom. I slept in his room last night, thinking it was my own. That's why he was changing in here.

I decide to make pancakes anyway and although he ignores them, I feel better having them ready when he does get hungry. The day drags on and JJ only comes inside to get more alcohol. I hide his keys for when he does run out. I liked getting fucked up as much as the next person but I knew we had to deal. We had to grieve.

It's dark when he comes inside, stumbling to stay upright. I watch from the couch as he goes to the table and looks for his keys. Next he checks the cabinets in case he missed a bottle. Then the fridge.

"Where are my keys?" JJ calls. I stay silent as I pop a handful of popcorn into my mouth. He comes back into the living room and throws his hands up. "Give me my keys."

"I don't have them." I lie. They were stuffed down in the couch beneath me.

"Yea? They just got up and walked away?" JJ demands, knocking stuff off the coffee table as he searches it too.

"Stop it." I say softly but he yanks my bowl of popcorn away and lifts my legs up like I'm sitting on them. "Stop it!" I squeal, swatting his hands away.

"I don't need you to take care of me. Give me my fucking keys!" JJ shouts.

"You can't drive like this. You've been drinking all day!"

"I don't care!" We both fall silent as we glare at each other, chests heaving with every breath.

"Fine," he finally say, tossing the bowl down on the couch with a scoff. ",don't get mad at me when I start bringing girls over because I can't leave." JJ turns and stomps off, slamming his bedroom door behind him. I plop down on the couch, running my fingers through my hair as I fight to calm my racing heart.

Sex sounded amazing. I wanted to feel anything but this. Anything but the loss of my brother. I look under the coffee table and spot the adult card game that one of us had bought. It was basically "Never Have I Ever" with prompts. Whoever ended up with the most cards, won. I open the game and start to read the cards, snorting at the filthier ones. I was bored so why the hell not?

Never have I ever had an orgy.

Given oral sex.

Messed around in a public place.

Spit in someones mouth.

I started to separate the cards by things I had and had not done. I don't even look up when I hear his door open and he sits on the opposite side of the couch from me with a grunt. He smelled better so he must’ve showered to sober up.

"Why are you laughing?" JJ asks, leaning forward and reading some of the cards in my "Have Not" pile.

"I'm playing Never Have I Ever with myself." I smirk, holding up my next card.

Never have I ever had sex with other people in the room.

I drop the card in my Have pile and his eyes nearly bug out.

"What?! When? With who?" JJ gasps dramatically.

"Uh, that movie night we had awhile back when I invited Jake."

"Wait. You had sex with all of us in the same room?"

"It wasn't really sex though. He just put it inside me. So it kind of counts." JJ hangs his head as he shakes it in an attempt to hide his blushing cheeks.

"Wow. I never would've guessed." JJ grumbles, grabbing the next unplayed card.

"What? I like sex as much as the next person." JJ ignores me as he shows me the next card.

Never have I ever woken up to someone giving me head.

"Uh, I've never had that happen to me but I've done that to someone else." I laugh and JJ smirks.

"You're missing out. All girls should wake up to their pussies being eaten." A shiver races up my spine as he draws the next card.

Never have I ever taken a nude selfie.

"Oh, easy. I have a whole folder on my phone." I shrug nonchalantly and JJ's jaw hangs open.

"Show me. For research purposes." JJ gives a fake cough and I can't help but laugh.

"Absolutely not! Those are private!" I exclaim but he laughs, pulling out his phone.

"Here, I'll show you one and you show me one. You did just see my ass earlier."

"Not by choice!" JJ scrolls through his phone for a moment before pausing to look at me.

"Okay, I've got mine. Your turn." I pick up my phone and hesiate for a moment.

"Wait, so are we doing full body. Or like topless?" I could feel the burning in my cheeks but I wasn't backing down from this. I wasn't a coward.

"Mine is full body." JJ shrugs and I nod. I find the perfect picture and meet his eyes.

"Okay, on the count of three. One. Two. Three." We both turn our phones to the other and both of our eyes practically bug out. He's nude but he's cupping himself so you can't see his dick and mine is from the back so you can see my bare ass. Still nude but nothing anyone hasn't already seen when I go swimming. We both burst out laughing over the fact that we played each other and we continued the game as he lights up a joint.

“I’ve never had one.” JJ says, hanging the card back to me.

Never have I ever had a hickie.

I gawk at him.

“Are you serious right now?”

“Yea! I always give them. I never receive them. Girls are usually too fucked out to return them.” He gives me a cocky grin. I stand, rising to the challenge.

“I’ll help you out then. Neck or chest?” I move around the table and JJ stares at me with wide eyes, mouth hanging open. I roll my eyes as I straddle his lap, tugging his shirt down below his collarbone. “Neck or chest, J?” I whisper and I feel him gulp, goosebumps appearing across his skin. A certain power comes over me as I plant a kiss on the base of his throat and he hums in approval. I trail my lips up his neck when I suddenly feel his hands squeeze my thighs.

“I-uh, I don’t know what I’ll do if you suck on my neck. It’s my sweet spot.” JJ’s voice is deeper, thick with need and causes butterflies to erupt in my belly.

“Here?” I place a kiss just below his ear and he nods once, hands tightening on my thighs. I suddenly feel his his erection pressing against me and it fueled me further. He wanted this too. I bite down on the flesh and he gasps as I suck a small spot into my mouth.

“Jesus, fuck!” JJ exclaims, hands moving to fist the back of my shirt, like he’s holding me to him. I tug hard on the back of his hair, forcing him to look up at the ceiling and he hisses as I keep marking his skin. His hips buck up into me and I moan.

“Y/N, stop before I do something I’ll regret.” JJ warns, yanking on the back of my hair but I don’t let up. I move my hand to the front of his throat and squeeze. I immediately feel his body relax into the couch but it doesn’t last long. JJ jumps to his feet, startling me as he holds me in his arms just to turn and drop me down on the couch. There’s fire burning in his eyes and a nice purple mark on his neck.

“You asked for this.” JJ growls, dropping to his knees and hauling my ass to the edge of the couch. He immediately latches on to my inner thigh where my shorts have rode up, his free hand squeezing the other one. Sparks race all the way down to my toes as my body buzzes with desire. I tear my shirt off and my bra, loving the way his eyes drink me in as he yanks off my shorts. I take his shirt off next and pull him up onto the couch. I feel him holding back, a questionable look on his face as I palm him through his shorts.

“Talk to me, J.” I breathe, kissing his jaw and his lips quiver.

“You’re my best friends sister. This is wrong.” JJ whispers, his fingers sliding through my slit and he groans when he feels how wet I am.

“Does it feel wrong?” I pop the button on his shorts and our lips finally meet. The last of his restraint dissolves and he shoves his shorts down, his body coming down on top of mine.

“I want you.” I moan as he starts to pull away again and a painful noice rumbles through him.

“I want you too.” JJ whispers between wet tongue filled kisses. I stroke his impressive length for a second and he hisses, bucking in my hand.

“Let’s just forget for a little while. I want to feel something else. I want to feel you inside me. Only that.” I squeeze him harder and he hisses, rubbing his fingers lazily over my clit and making me jerk.

“Condom?” JJ asks, caging me in with his arms as he hovers over me. I line him up with my entrance, keeping my legs spread wide. This was probably going to hurt with no prep but I wanted it to. I welcomed the pain.

“On the shot.” He doesn’t hesitate before he roughly pushes inside me. We both moan loudly.

His cock fills me so deeply, it steals my breath away. I must pinch my face up in discomfort because he starts to withdraw and gives slow strokes. I grasp his biceps, tilting my hips so he can drive even deeper. I start to relax and he begins to pick up the pace, jaw clenched the entire time as he looks from my face to between us where he's disappearing inside me.

"You're so tight." JJ bites out, hair in his eyes.

"Harder," I plead. "Don't stop." He abruptly sits back on his heels, pulling me with him as he angles upwards to hit my sweet spot. JJ groans, throwing his head back as he fucks me harder, keeping a brusing grip on my hips.

"Fuck, I'm going to cum but I'll keep going." JJ moans before picking up his speed, drilling into me hard and fast before releasing a loud moan of ecstasy. His pace doesn't slow and I feel myself cum, throwing my head back as I scream, my body shuddering as I turn to mush. He collapses on top of me, kissing me hard and passionately while continuing to snap his hips forward. I snag him bottom lip between my teeth as I feel another climax quickly approaching. JJ yanks away, only to flip me over and manhandle me onto my hands and knees. A firm hand on the back of my head shoves my face down into the cushion before he slams back inside me.

"Oh, shit." I cry, reaching behind me for something to hold on to. He pulls both my arms behind my back as he slams into me harder and harder, forcing my face down into the couch. I could feel the mess running down my thighs and I yelp when he slaps my ass hard.

"JJ!" I whine. I feel my eyes start to roll back just as he yanks me up against his chest, one hand around my throat and the other pushing down on my pelvis.

"Cum for me. I'm not stopping until you cream my cock. Let me fucking have it." JJ growls into my ear. I try to fight it but a choked scream flies out as I cum hard, soaking us both with a gush of fluid, my nails digging into his hips as tears fill my eyes from the overwhelming pleasure.

I feel him slam in hard once more then he stills with a satisfied groan before letting me drop back down on the couch to catch my breath. JJ pulls away and starts to clean up as I fight the powerful feeling of exhaustion. He appears in front of me in a pair of black boxers and scoops me into his arms with a satisfied smirk before leading us to his bedroom.

"I told you. Completely fucked out." I smile weakly with my cheek against his chest as he lays me down in his bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

august 25, 2021 9:00 p.m. seoul

**TW: SUICIDE MENTION**

[grant] hey, not to bring up the previous conversation, but uh, i wanted to say i'm sorry you had to deal with me the same year you were going through so much. it wasn't fair.

[henry] it's okay, grant. i don't think your motivation for being an addict and attempting suicide that year was, "yeah, fuck henry, i want to make his life so much worse right now. his dad's dead, he may not have enough credits to get his degree this may, and now me!"

[grant] it doesn't matter what it was. the fact is that my problems hurt other people. i didn't just harm myself. and i was not a pleasant person that last year when you really needed pleasantry.

[henry] yeah, i'm not going to lie to you, that very last year of college, i thought the version of you i knew and loved was gone.

[grant] i was insufferable.

[henry] correct. you were an asshole.

[henry] for the most part. you did try to be good again and be there for me when my dad died.

[henry] it was weird. i hadn't seen you sober in years, but when i called you for the first time in a few weeks because there was no one else besides soobin i wanted to talk to about my dad dying, you showed up to my place kind of normal again.

[henry] i don't want to say "sober" because you probably weren't, but you were at least on fewer substances than i was used to at the time, so you seemed sober.

[henry] you weren't in a place to show up for people long-term because you were suffering, too, but you tried. you checked on me every day for a few weeks until finals hit and everything got crazy for everyone. well, no, until we threw that intervention for you right before finals. nonetheless, i appreciated the effort.

[henry] it stopped me from cutting you out, so there's that.

[henry] i'm not trying to sound rude either, please don't take it that way. it was just a lot. i would have regretted it if i cut you out, and i didn't want to at my core because i do not want to do life without you, but i didn't think you had it in you to get out of that spiral you were in for years. i really did not. i thought you were done for.

[henry] i'm sensitive, even if i never sound like it. i was mad at you for bad behavior, but i was also, um, really sad to see you like that. i love you. i've loved you as a brother and a best friend for almost my entire life. and i did not think i could stomach watching you die at your own hand. it made me sick.

[henry] and it probably makes me a bad friend to have felt that way. one, to have thought about cutting you out, and two, to have had so little faith left in you. you deserved more faith from me. if the roles were reversed, you'd never give up on me.

[grant] don't say that. everyone has their limit, and it's hard to know where it is until you finally hit it. i would have one, too.

[grant] and man, you were meant to feel that way. i meant it when i told you i pushed people away purposely.

[grant] whatever conscience and consciousness i had during that time always reminded me that i was terrified of hurting other people. i was very well aware i was probably causing, like, terrible amounts of pain to my friends and family, and i didn't want to do more damage when i killed myself, so...

[grant] yeah, i always meant to kill myself. i thought about it every day for years, honestly all the way back into high school, and i got super close to trying it about a billion times, but i only ever went through with any of my plans once.

[grant] and i'll regret for the rest of my life that you and my grandparents had to see what i did to myself on graduation night.

[grant] but anyway, i chose to have those awful behaviors because i felt like if i ran everybody off and made them leave, they'd be glad i was dead and wouldn't hate me for what i did and just forget me.

[grant] terrible, terrible strategy! like holy shit! i also entirely regret acting out like that, the much happier and stable version of myself from the last, like, eight years realizes that made everything worse and wouldn't have fixed anything anyway.

[grant] trying not to hurt people by hurting them upfront is a fucked up strategy. just entirely fucked up and counterintuitive.

[henry] no, it wouldn't have worked. you'd have left everyone traumatized by not being able to repair things with you.

[henry] so, whether you like it or not, people do like you. people tend to really, really like you. you have a very magnetic, charming personality that very few other people in the world share.

[henry] and people do want you around. i want you around.

[henry] i know what i just said, but i really do want you around.

[henry] but also, wow. i guess you did a great job at trying to run us off since it almost worked on me.

[grant] it was easier than acknowledging people care about me or worry about me. i'm not good at that.

[grant] oh, and in those rare early moments where i thought that i needed help, i was scared everyone would only ever see me as a fucked up shell of a human being. like if i got better, i would still be reduced to the guy with problems.

[grant] i'm glad that i regret trying to kill myself. there's a lot i would have missed out on, including the chance to be nice to myself. but i do worry that some of those things are true, that fucked up is the only way people see me, even strangers.

[grant] i feel like glass sometimes. like everyone looks through me and sees the worst in me and only the worst.

[henry] i'm sorry you feel that way.

[henry] it's a little ironic, though. the more you hold back from telling your loved ones these things or try to push us away so we never see you struggling with anything ever, the more we worry you have the same exact problems that almost killed you before.

[grant] i've really backed myself into a corner, eh?

[henry] there's about a million things i could respond to that with, but here's the most important one. you're worth worrying about.

[henry] you spend your life looking after people and telling everyone to care about others, like you just told me to worry about my future kids, but you seriously do not believe you deserve that in return, and i don't get it. no, i do, but i don't.

[henry] yes, your parents taught you that you don't deserve love, but then again...

[grant] i'm trying to believe. and i have gotten at least a little better. my birthday, you know? i handled that pretty well.

[henry] everyone has flaws. we could and should try harder to not emphasize yours so much. but i don't see those flaws first. and if i do think about them, it's because i don't want them to take you away.

[henry] you don't see my flaws first, do you? clearly, you don't. right? you don't act like you see them.

[henry] the person i see you as is the kid who became friends with me two decades ago. some random nice kid who approached the one new kid at the park sitting by himself and played with him even though they couldn't talk to each other yet. some random kid who learned the basics of my language on the internet to write me a sweet letter saying, "hi, i'm grant, i'm six years old, and i want to be your friend." it didn't even matter it was written poorly.

[henry] i see a lot of good things in you. remember, i was just telling everyone about how nice you were to help me save the first dinner i hosted for soobin. a day ago, you helped me get over failure, one of my lifelong biggest fears, for an hour or two.

[henry] but i think our beginning sums you up nicely. i don't know anyone else who would have gone to such lengths for some nobody new kid. you didn't owe me your time or your respect and yet you gave it to me. and that was a weird time in my life. everything turned upside down when i moved. to have a friend like you then was...

[henry] and of course, nothing's changed. you're still a kind person. you're funny. you're smart. you're just you. you're one of the only people on earth who isn't fake. the kid i remember isn't gone. i'm glad he survived. i'm glad i didn't lose him.

[grant] despite everything, it's still me?

[henry] yes. but so we're clear, you don't have to do nice things to be worthy of being liked. you're likable on your own. i'm only saying that your kindness stands out to me, and i know that you value that trait, so it bears mentioning. you've been very good to me. i can forgive the times when you weren't. i've been a jackass before, too. i've probably been a jackass to you.

[grant] i feel like we've said thanks a lot today but thanks for sticking with me. don't feel bad that you thought i couldn't get better. that was my fault. but you're still here. and you showed up on graduation night for me. i'm beyond sorry that you had to see any of that, like i cannot repent or apologize enough in my lifetime, but thank you.

[grant] i owe you my life.

[grant] i owe you a lot but that first.

[grant] i've said it before but it should be repeated, you know? i definitely would have died if you didn't come that night. aside from my uncle, you're the only one i know who can pick a lock.

[henry] just do not make me do it again. i would show up a second time, but it would be better on my psyche if that was unnecessary.

[grant] it won't happen again. i've been good for a long time, but i'm great now and most of all, appropriately medicated for bipolar disorder. it's all going to be okay.

[grant] we're going to go home, continue being best friends forever, you're going to be a great dad one day.

[henry] and you will get your job back!

[grant] great minds think alike! now, how much longer until the arcade? i promise i'll let you win a game of air hockey for once.

[stupidstupidratcreatures]

preface that these are problems that it's only really possible for one to have in a particular and privileged set of circumstances

anyway i've been thinking about this a lot lately and. i've been out, sort of, as trans for a little bit over six years now, and i deeply, deeply regret not transitioning basically at all during that time. i said i had a name and i sporadically told people i had pronouns and that was the extent of it. no clothes shopping no voices no nothing.

currently this is manifesting as me being really sad about not going out of my way to get puberty blockers while those would still do anything. i hate my clothing, i hate my name, i hate the way people look at me on the street, but i think i could be more okay with all of that if i didn't also hate my voice. because the other three i can, like, reasonably avoid.

if i go looking for them i can find reasons to blame my parents instead of myself, and i'm probably right to, but what's really the point? of course they didn't do anything helpful, because why on earth would they? they love sitting on their asses and when i was a teenager they were even more explicit about not respecting me as a person.

and what about after that? sure, the excuse i made to myself was that i was being inactive because it would be less of a hassle to just wait until i was 18 so there was less bullshit, but even if that was true in a way that actually mattered it was still years in between becoming an adult and actually doing anything. not even behavioral or social stuff like voice training (again. caustic to even think about how my voice sounds) or clothing, just the stupid easy shit. go to pharmacy, sit on toilet, feel pain. it took two years for me to decide to actually get what i wanted.

i should be really clear: i've always known i've wanted this. even beyond the vague feeling of wanting out that i had for my entire life, i knew i wanted specifically these things for years and years. years that i just didn't do anything about. not for any reason. just a vague feeling that i wasn't allowed to get what i wanted, because they were things that i wanted

and i know i'm not actually old, and my life is closer to it starting than it ending. (i mean. god willing.) but it still hurts, and my voice still sounds like this, and this is the oldest i've ever been. also, shit is hitting the fan faster than ever, and i wish i was three years into transition isntead of one, because i wish i had had more time living as a human being before it goes to hell even more than it already has. again, particular and privileged set of circumstances.

none of this would sting so much if i wasn't also a dropout-via-quarantine and completely adrift and someone who has proven herself unable to keep a job. i'm starting college in the fall and it could have been my senior year. to quote my sister, we're going to be learning calculus at the same time. i don't know how positive that is for her, but it's terrifying and depressing to me. like, one or the other of "scatterbrained loser" and "closet case" would be... well, i guess i don't know if i would think it was fine. i probably wouldn't. but as it stands one makes it harder to deal with the other than it otherwise might be.

i don't know. not to talk about a website and a movie on a serious post, but everyone getting all misty-eyed about "there is still time" and the ending of i saw the tv glow is acid to me because of the above. of course there isn't "time". there's never been "time". there isn't "time" to get to a gas station when your tank runs out on the highway, but there isn't "time" to just keep driving either. you pull over on the side of the road because you don't want to be hit by a car. and then you call a number and pray.

i think i thought this would be easier for whatever reason. i have no excuse for this, i've known and read more than is practical or useful about gigantic interlocking impersonal systems of oppression and exploitation for about ten years now, but i just thought they would be nicer to me.

[xryosakeyx]

I was looking back through some old art I made and I just remembered about an old aura guardian AU I made up when I was younger because I was pretty obsessed with the 8th movie as a kid, as in I had a whole game idea and everything. Here are some pics from most recent to oldest:

As you can tell, dates vary (about in between my freshman and junior years in HS I think, though the ideas themselves are way older than that) but to me it's pretty interesting seeing my art progression throughout the years! Anyways, from what I could remember from the AU, it takes place in the medival ages or something and Ash is basically a guardian in training. His characterization was based mostly on OS Ash, so in turn he would get into so much trouble in an attempt to unlock the secrets of aura with his partner being a Riolu. He and Riolu wouldn't get along initially as one was a lot more careful than the other but the one thing that drove them to stick together and eventually find a compromise was that they felt that they were being shielded from more lessons by their mentor (who was formally supposed to be Ash's rival). One day the mentor had to go away on a trip oversees to deal with some matters in a far kingdom and he didn't come back as he usually would, making the duo worry and having to stow away on a cargo ship, and on those lands they ended up learning much more than what their mentor ever could. A kingdom in this AU was basically an entire region with at least eight different city states acting as trials or gym battles; they would go on some wild adventures meeting various legendaries that showed them the powers within.

Oh yeah, and they do find their mentor, he just got lost in the middle of the woods and it took him far too long to get out, to the point that once he did, he learned about the duo causing mischief on the land and it took him ages to finally catch up with them. However, he was finally impressed with the work Ash and his now evolved Lucario have done with the land that he couldn't stay mad at them, so to celebrate they had a big party and they all lived happily ever after :)

Anyways, as for the game idea, it would have been some sort of dungeon crawler x RPG game where you would take control of Riolu and some other Pokémon that would be offer to you (by either NPCs or pokéballs that were set at some point already in a temple) and Riolu would have a limit compared to the other Pokémon that would only go up if you read a scroll (also found in dungeons, but sometimes random chests in houses) which also sometimes taught him a new move. Of course, you could only carry six with you and have only one out at a time, and in the scenerio that they would all faint, it wouldn't be a game over, it just meant that you had to play the game in Hard Mode until you found healing items or something, and you had to avoid being hit at all times, only having measily aura spells equipped on the player that could have a chance at stunning an enemy, but otherwise it was futile.

I made few oneshots of the AU but I never posted them online and I completely lost the files to them as I kept everything to myself on my old phone :( Honestly it was one of my favorite things that I made up and it brightens my day whenever I remember of it! I may talk more about it in the future, as I remember writing various notes on it, but otherwise this is what I could rummage at the moment. As for inspirations, an obvious one is Zelda, more specifically BOTW as it was one of the only games I owned on the Switch at the time and it was my first time actually playing a Zelda game. Others include Berserk and the Soulsborne games, most specifcally Bloodborne as the hat the protagonist wears reminds me of the one Ash wore in the movie, anyways the AU leaned more towards the dark fantasy side.

[fyrets]

I know this is a PB blog that has been very VERY open about their support of the project, so it would be uncouth to say anything negative about it but I'm thinking about how extremely unprecedented PB is in.. a way that isn't necessarily bad but, weirdly off-putting when thinking about it.

this got long so under the cut it goes

PB is the most funded petsim on Kickstarter. It raised over $80,000. That's an incredible achievement, and they absolutely deserve it! But that already puts it in an incredibly unprecedented position. Petsims using crowdfunding platforms for their projects is already pretty uncommon all things considered, at least historically in the grand scheme of things where most are just passion projects made in the spare time of a handful of people. many of them manage to stick around through the sheer force of will a dedicated userbase can bring, but most stay pretty small and more completely fade into obscurity. And that's fine, y'know? A little sad for the ones that go dark, but it is what it is.

But ever since FR's success I think a lot of people have almost forgotten that a petsim becoming a smash hit isn't the norm, or at least they don't realize just how uncommon it is and how much work goes into making something as successful as FR past the KS stage. probably the most notable examples are Dappervolk (the previous holder of the "most funded petsim" title) and Lorwolf (most recent KS funded game that is quite derivative of FR to launch).

Now Dappervolk is a bit of an outlier by virtue of it being a pretty different game to the typical petsim and it being more of an avatar game but yeah yeah yeah everyone around me at the time called it a petsim so I'm counting it. It's pretty well known that it had a very strong start with a pretty big playerbase during beta and launch, but people lost interest rather quickly for a lot of reasons. I'm admittedly out of the loop for those reasonings (my reason for dumping DV was I Just Forgor) but from what I've heard it was a combination of the gacha system, heavy grind, and some paywalled monthly content. Now I have heard that it has gotten better recently, but I wouldn't know myself and it still hasn't recovered the numbers it once had.

Lorwolf is a much more relevant point of comparison both because of recency (fully launched earlier this year) and it operates a lot more like FR in many aspects like having limited color slots, a wheel of pre-selected colors, and a bunch of other little stuff, making it a more direct competitor to FR. I didn't find out about LW until after the beta period but I was managed to sign up for the "Early Access" it had, and it was pretty good! Spirits were very high and though the full launch got delayed, when it came around it made a big impact. Much like DV did in its launch, lots of people rushed to cross-site trade their FR stuff for LW, indicating a lot of confidence for the game and its future. Unfortunately, things aren't looking good now 6 months out from full launch. There is a lot to consider when assessing how we've gotten to this point of very low morale, but I guess the biggest thing would be the community having to deal with feelings of being unheard and abandoned as a result of very inexperienced developers. I genuinely hope things turn up sometime soon, but I'm not sure for how long I can keep that hope.

So what am I getting at with all of this? Am I expecting PB to fall a similar fate of having a very big beta and launch only to bleed players months later as a result of people either realizing the game doesn't suit their playstyle or because the game is seemingly abandoned with radio silence from devs? No! I have a lot of hope for PB to deliver a game that has something for everyone, and based on how well they've handled communication along with knowing so far I doubt we would be left in the dark. Despite my hope though, the odds are stacked against PB having the same level of success as FR.

But what if it does manage it? What if PB manages to be a smash hit and it stays a smash hit? What lessons will the people who hope to make their own games take from it? Will their takeaway be that this game was successful because it made the most money ever (and got additional investment!)? Or will people try to see what commonalities it and FR had and try to do the same? Will we see more projects try and fail to achieve success? Or will they manage to crack some kind of code and join the ranks of giants? Just what sort of impact will PB have?

[seeminglyseph]

Cherry Magic is actually like. the best magical realism hits workplace comedy BL. the premise is absurd and it fully leans into it. the concept of like. most of the cast is 30, or early to mid twenties and the like one 30 year old who's caught the feels for a 20 something is like 'I want to die, I have no idea what to do with my life. am I a perverted old man? Should I peel my skin off and boil myself in oil?" and while he's like. going through internal conflict and my initial impression of him was that he was a dick, he's just like. Actually giving decent life advice and trying to be chill and do the right thing.

meanwhile the main couple are like. the normal amount of shy and horny for an adult couple who either have a) never experienced mutual attraction in his entire life until this point and get easily overwhelmed at the very concept of someone being attracted to him period let alone the whole concept of ravenous sexual appetite, and b) someone who has had a deep, deep infatuation for an extended period of time and had time to just nurture that crush and also repress that crush and *then* had that crush encouraged and the flames blown on and built up by a sudden interest by the target of his affection until there was reciprocation. Kurosawa is the funniest fucking character in this entire fucking series he is fucking. dialed up to 11 all the time and it's the repression and it's hilarious. He represses so much so the fact that his boyfriend reads minds is absolutely fucking hilarious and the fact that his reaction to finding out is "Oh. So I can say as much fluffy romantic bullshit to you in public and absolutely no one but you will hear me except you? I can save face and still say exactly what's on my mind at the same time? I am abusing the shit out of that to shower you in affection without breaking any PDA taboos immediately. Telepathic PDA is the greatest trick ever granted to me by any god"

I mean, he also like. has gotten caught up in the euphoria of dating Adachi he's forgotten he lives in a world where Adachi's lack of self worth exists.

Or like. Puts so much value on Adachi he doesn't realize why Adachi wouldn't value himself. which feels like a plotline created specifically to come for my throat, but like. people with this mindset like "I value you so much, it hurts me to see you undervalue yourself" gotta like. realize and understand that people don't just like. Put a low value on themselves because they're like. making you feel bad. it's usually because they have been made to feel of a low value by other people, probably for an extended period of time. like. it can be hard to deal with, I get that. And sure, it's not your responsibility to fix people. But like. Being mad a person hasn't fixed their issues to your preferred timeline can be a little to heavy a demand.

I do expect they'll dramatically talk it out and then be gay about it, though. this anime is hilarious. Also it looks like we're about to pair the spare with ex-dancer younger coworker and slicked back blonde guy I have seen in the background of some shots and don't remember the personality of. I fully don't know why I think this but they are the most well drawn male characters in their office building so far and so I assume they will somehow pair up. This is a BL after all and eventually there will be a little fleet of gay ships with their weird fujoshi coworker casually watching in the background.

[nyaagolor]

I just finished Adastra and I am about to make that everyone's problem

Tldr: it slams and (if you are over 18) you should play it

Disclaimer: Adastra is an 18+ VN. There will be no nsfw content in this post but like. If ur a minor get outta here

This isn't a liveblog, since I already finished the game, but it's a pretty similarly scattered collection of my thoughts while playing so there's no real narrative cohesion to this post. If u were looking for a detailed review just watch the video by Boringkeith

I think the biggest thing about the game to me is how insane the plot gets at Act 2. Act 1, while admittedly kind of dull, does a great job at setting up characterization and tension over time, introducing motivations and worldbuilding in a really natural way. The way the author handles the delivery of information is just. Fucking fantastic if I'm being honest, and the conversations-- ESPECIALLY arguments-- just feel so natural. There's a great tension and release that the game has, and it's a really gripping story. I think writers like this shine in this medium because God. GOD. the dialogue is good. Then Act 2 happens and shit hits the fan and does not STOP hitting the fan until the poor thing is bowled over and unplugged from the wall. Genuinely unhinged, the pacing is breakneck and it is GOOD

The protagonist actually being their own person was also fantastic, and honestly one of the only ways I can see this story going. Despite inevitably being a romance VN with intertwined political drama, I never really felt myself occupying the protagonist (Marco)'s role too much, and this is for the better. Ultimately, Amicus (the love interest) is perfect for Marco, but not for me. Neferu is hotter anyway. But Marco? Amicus??? Those two dumbasses are made for each other. Plus, the actual codified personality of the protagonist allowed for a great deal of information to be presented and withheld in ways that wouldn't be allowed by a blank slate protagonist. The dynamics wouldn't have worked as well either, and I think the story is all the more engaging for it. I, personally, would have been more lenient on Alexios but Marco? He wants that twink OBLITERATED

Cassius is the funniest character in this game I think. He just reeks of like. Loser redpilled 17 year old projecting all his insecurities into the incel takes imaginable. I'm going to wring him out like a wet paper towel. Yes he's a borderline space fascist but I can fix him I swear. When he hotboxes and trips so hard he sees God, only to have God call him a cringefail loser and he starts crying about it? Yeah that's babygirl material. Pathetic beast

It is very funny to me that the game has to spend 80% of its runtime trying to convince you that Amicus would make a good emperor and explicitly has rules in place to say that females can't rule because you KNOW within 15 seconds of her opening her mouth that Virginia is the un-debatable best choice. The fact that Amicus doesn't immediately give up his throne for her is his biggest flaw

Cato is kinda one note but he is supposed to represent heternormativity and the pitfalls of bigotry in this giant scifi queer allegory so he gets a pass. I'll admit I found him to be a lil too mustache twirling snarky towards the climax, but eh. Also I'm dead convinced that the parents meddled with him. He started freaking out when his visor got taken off and acted more erratically now that he lost his parental tech (hm) and also him crashing the parents' ship was totally out of line with his motives even as mentioned by other characters. The parents def manipulated him I can feel it

The Parents are sus as fuck I will stand by this. The game really makes you want to choose the option of trusting them (and I did bc I just want Marco and Amicus to be happy) but like. Fuck man. They mad shifty I don't trust like that they got some other shit going on. BoringKeith says more than I ever could about it just watch his video

For personal reasons I am furious about them not showing the ram civilization. We know about four of the civilizations (greek cats, roman wolves, egyptian jackals, and indian tigers) but like. What about the rest? Based on the little we've gotten it looks like the bears are norse and there are rams but I don't even remember the other two. What are they I want to see them

My only mark against this game is that both of the disabled characters are evil. I don't think there are any non-villainous disabled people which kinda blows. I heard Echo is better about it which is good? but even still it left a sour taste in my mouth

The art? is really good??????? I love the expressions and the way the CGs look especially. Fucking fantastic

The themes of homophobia in this game are ROUGH and really really raw. Again not gonna talk about it much here watch the boringkeith video but Woof. This game is so good I highly recommend

Go play Adastra

[hellcatinnc]

Masquerade Kiss Otome Review

Spoilers Included

This game is definitely one of the more sensual/sexual games that Voltage has that I have played. This also includes bdsm parts to it however I know others have come across the themes but for me not being one who is into that it really wasn't bad I could deal with it as part of the story line it even made sense. There is also triggers in the bosses route for rape/sexual assaults' it doesn't happen but definitely leads that way.

(Its only the boss route Kei is the bdsm route just in case your trying to skip either) So you play a spy which I found pretty neat yet to still end up with a love story definitely interesting. (Just so you know these are normally in order of my favorite but Kei is top then Yuzuru & Kazuomi are actually tied I couldn't pick between the two and boss is dead last and not even on my list really)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kei Soejima

This man they call the English gentleman or the prince because of his nature and politeness to people. Oh but this man has a naughty, darker side to him. However when I started this mans main story I just couldn't stop til I was done, it kept me on the edge of my seat. He is very damaged and believes love is based around domination. He trusts no one until he realizes he is in love with your character. He tells you from the beginning he wants you hooked on him and by the end of the happy ending you are both hooked together.

There are dark paths about his childhood in a church and orphanage definitely might be triggers to some. When push comes to shove though he will always protect you as well as always choose you even over his revenge of the church this man is definitely a good story to read and so worth it. Just know he isn't just a prince and gentleman but he does know how to come off as both. His sensual moments had me on the edge of my seat honestly not hard to see why you wouldn't practically melt into a puddle if this man was tying you up and dominating you.

----------------------------------------------- Yuzuru Shiba

Ok this man is like a modern day prince charming yet cold as ice to the world. I don't know its weird but he falls under closer to a kuudere he is so hard to read in the beginning and boy does he seem like he has no emotions but its cute watching him little by little let those walls down. He has a more naughty side deep down and when he tells you he wants you then you feel it in every inch of your body the shivers this man can leave. He has had a tragic past with his parents killing themselves when he was young, its what has made him more cold as ice.

However the cutest thing you see him do first for the mc is the fact that he is making out with her when she tries to pull away hitting her watch against table and her moms watch that she wore was broken. This man went out of his way to take it apart and truly fix it for her because he knew how much she loved it. I wanted to hug this man myself at that point. There are parts about him that seem overly strict and personality - less and withdrawn and other times seem sincere and docile. He has many sides but him and the mc truly understand each other and you can tell they were meant to be at least in his route. He is a bit over serious for me but I loved seeing his softer side and I think he falls for the mc before she falls for him. The moment he says I love you I felt it though.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kazuomi Shido

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect from him but after seeing how he could be a bit flirty on Kei's route he intrigued me especially since I like them flirty guys. I will say though this much this man keeps you excited and on the edge of your seat. With his flirtiness and his control he exceeds over you at times you will see those walls slowly break down in your character as well as him. Its almost like you can truly tell when they fall in love. I really like his character and I was pleased to see he has a good heart and has been through so much.

He isn't just some rich guy he was homeless once he knew what it was like to build himself up. Even though he comes off as a playboy he honestly has never let love in before because he didn't want to be anymore alone than he already was when and if it fell apart. I not only love his character but I truly respect it as well. He is very seductive but also has a gentle side to him to not take advantage of a woman when she is weak or drunk even. He has so many sides to who he is but that is always what makes him the most exciting in the end. He also is protective he won't let anyone hurt the woman he loves, a modern day flirty prince charming lol.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boss.

So I'm just sharing these few pics just to kind of show how much of a asshole he is. I got to chapter 3 of his actual route and was purely disgusted by this man. Not only in other route like shown above and below is he an asshole but he almost lets her get raped by another agent literally within the first 3 chapters. Not to mention he tells you your going to be his wife and he doesn't care if you have morals that you won't sleep with people to get the job done. He tells you that you will have to sleep with him if needs to be when the time comes to prove to the mafia your his wife. He disgusts me over and over again with his coldness and I just could not enjoy this route one day I might come back but honestly I doubt it.

Hope you enjoyed the review this was based off 1 chapter main story's nothing out side of that if I find something is worth talking about in the other routes I will surely come back and write about it.

[thessalian]

Astrid vs the Goblin Camp

But first, some Visitations

Rafael: Oooh, looks like you're in a spot of bother. I could probably help with that ... for a price.

Astrid: Um ... thank you for the ... very kind offer. And ... you know, the banquet and everything, though I've got a bit of a thing about powerful magical entities and foodstuffs after the Hag And Undead Husband Incident--

Rafael: ...Sorry, how am I hearing the capital letters on that one?

Gale: She insists it's fractional pauses between words. I still can't quite manage it myself. Perhaps it's a bardic talent.

Astrid: Anyway, I'm afraid we're a little full up on deals with beings from the various hells. I mean, still not really liking The Actually A Tiefling Incident very much--

Wyll: I did apologise for that!

Astrid: Not blaming you! I mean, I was pretty suspicious too until The Exploding Hyena Incident. ...Look, sorry, but I think we'll find a way that doesn't involve an open-ended bargain with a demon, or a devil, or whichever sort of entity you are because you're clearly on that end of the spectrum. But thank you very much for the offer, and have a lovely day.

Rafael: You'll be back. ...Though now I really have to wonder--

Astrid: You'll be The Demon Dinner Party Incident.

Rafael: ...Ah.

And again...

Spooky Whispers: Find the Prism for the Absolute and--

Shadowheart: FUCK. OFF.

Spooky Whispers: *do, in fact, FUCK. OFF*

Astrid: Okay, I think I've been really good about not asking about the whatsit so far. But now I kind of have to ask. What is the whatsit?!?

Shadowheart: Honestly not sure, but most of my memories are being held as collateral until I get it to Baldur's Gate.

Astrid: Oh. So ... when I asked a little more about you...

Shadowheart: Well, yes, that was mostly the memory loss, but part of it was trust issues. But if it helps, I like night orchids, and I can't swim.

Astrid: ...I will find you ALL the night orchids. And maybe teach you to swim. If you want. Might take less armour, though.

Shadowheart: *perks up*

Controller Person: *starts seriously rethinking romance choices*

And, because infiltrating a goblin stronghold is the best time for this

Gale: Okay, so draining magical artefacts isn't so much working anymore and if I don't do something about this really ill-considered gift to my last lover, I am going to explode.

Astrid: ...I'm generally willing to leave the past as your business, but I kind of want to know who your last lover was that a gift you gave her is enough to kerboom you.

Gale: Um ... Mystra ... as it happens...

Astrid: ...wut.

Gale: Also ... the explosion wouldn't just kill me. It'd take out an area about the size of Waterdeep.

Astrid: ...................How much do we need to have extracted from you?!?

Astarion: So ... Shadowheart ... you wouldn't happen to have--

Shadowheart: No! Unless that's something they made me forget, but ... almost certainly no!

Astarion: Well, there you have it. Either Astrid feels she couldn't possibly match up favourably to Gale's ex, or he explodes and takes himself out of the running.

Shadowheart: Shut up!

Astarion: Oh. Oh. You'd accept pining from afar if it meant she didn't have to feel the pain of someone she cares about dying! You, a cleric of Shar, no less!

Shadowheart: My greatclub could be sharpened to a stake, Astarion...

But finally, into the Shattered Sanctum

High Priestess Gut: So you wanted to talk?

Astrid: Ummmmmmmm ... not so much. *pulls lute; to the tune of The Sound of Silence* "Hello goblin, my new foe / You are a creepy so-and-so / Since you're making all the tieflings stressed / We've come to do the violence we do best / And your allies / Won't hear your cries for help / Not a yelp / Because I'm caaaasting Silence..."

High Priestess Gut: ............*mouthing obscenities*

Astarion: *critical-hit SHANKs her to death*

Astrid: ...Anyone else think it's kind of ironic that a spell that makes a Silence has verbal components?

And, a little further in

Minthara: Go burn down the druid grove!

Astrid: Oh, for-- how many times are we going to have to save it from you idiots?!?

Minthara: Owowowow!

Astrid: Whoops. ...Wait, what am I saying; I mean good! 'Scuse me, Astarion...

Astarion: Waitwut--

Astrid: *performs dive-bomb on lute and Thunderwaves Minthara right into the chasm, destroying the bridge in the process*

Shadowheart: ...I have to admit, that's a lot more impressive than "yeet".

Astarion: Yes, but I can't jokingly copy that one.

Astrid: *shooting at Scrying Eye* Slay now, praise later, please and thank you! There's going to be backup, and unless they have the jumping prowess of a turtle, the bridge being out won't keep them at range for long!

Astarion: Ah, yes, but two can play at that game. *leaps over chasm, grabs goblin, FEEDS*

Gale: You had to give him those boots, didn't you.

Astrid: I was very disappointed that they didn't give him bunny ears.

And, awhile later

Ragzlin: The mind flayer corpse won't talk!

Astrid: I could ask some questions, if you want...

Ragzlin: You're a bard; you can talk good. FINE.

Astrid: What ... is your name?

Ragzlin: ...What the--?

Astrid: What ... is your quest?

Ragzlin: ...I don't--

Astrid: What ... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen bugbear?

Ragzlin: Hey, waitaminit--

Astrid: *Thunderwave dive-bomb on the lute*

Ragzlin: *goes flying*

Astrid: No convenient chasms here, though. Shame.

Stabnation: *ensues*

And, during a really needed long rest...

Astrid: So ... I've talked to Wyll about the pact he really needs out of, Gale about the ... kerboom thing, and Shadowheart about her whole deal. Want to tell me about the monster hunter?

Astarion: My master in Baldur's Gate wants me back, apparently. And there's nothing we can do about it if he wants to take me, so I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to tell you this.

Astrid: Do you even look at the things I ask you to carry?

Astarion: *peers into haversack* Alchemist's fire and ... what's this?

Astrid: Holy water, or so Shadowheart tells me.

Astarion: What the f-- are you trying to kill me?!?

Astrid: No, I would have put it in your wine if I was trying to kill you with it.

Astarion: That ... is a singularly horrible mental image, but go on...

Astrid: Just because those things work against you doesn't mean you can't use those things against other vampires. And you have options he doesn't. Like, being out in the daytime.

Astarion: You are suicidally overconfident ... and yet all of that might work. Yes, I think I'll echo Shadowheart here: I fear you.

Shadowheart: I do not fear her anymore!

Astarion: Oh, nonsense you don't; you just worry that your devotion to Shar might get in the way of--

Shadowheart: *throws a half-rotted treacle tart at Astarion's head*

Astrid: ...I was wondering why you were carrying those around. Anywaaaaay... How about we get some rest because we still have to find Haslin down in the pits and we should probably rescue Volo too.

Astarion; Gale; Shadowheart; Wyll: Volo's an arse!

Astrid: Yes, but he's an arse that doesn't deserve to be rump roast for goblins, okay?!? They were cooking dwarf out there!

Astarion: Still, couldn't I just take a minor nibble?

Astrid: Gods, no. Stupid might be catching.

Gale: So you can be insulting about people when you're out of range?

Astrid: That or he has a really bad headache right now. Either way.

[midgardian-witch]

Quick warning at the start here because this is going to get a little personal and there will be some vague trauma/mental health talk (potential tw are tagged)

I wanna talk about Marc.

I really didn't like him when I first watched Moon Knight. When he was first 'introduced' so to say.

I think maybe people aren't supposed to like him at the start. Of course once you get into his backstory, the trauma and everything it gets easy to sympathize with him but when we first meet Marc?

God I thought he was such a jerk.

It grated on my nerves that this adult man couldn't fucking communicate with the people in his life that he loved. That he refused to tell Steven what was going on until he was forced to do so. That he just left Layla with divorce papers he didn't even have the balls to sign himself.

All for their 'protection'.

I had such a visceral reaction to his behavior that I haven't had to the actions of a fictional character in a long time.

Why wouldn't he just tell them? Why wouldn't he open up? Why was he so defensive? Why doesn't he let people help? Why doesn't he-

Now wait a minute.

I knew there was trauma. I know living with trauma and mental illness and fucking life sucks. Why did Marc make me feel so bad when every other character, every other person, didn't?

And then it hit me.

Because I do the same.

I am neurodivergent and I certainly didn't like myself a lot of the time growing up.

I had to deal with a lot of shit when I was younger. Childhood could have been a fuckton worse but it wasn't a joyride either. So how did I deal with that at a very young age?

I didn't.

Duh.

The way I coped with my issues was taking care of other people's issues. Because if I worry about other people I don't have to worry about myself.

Makes sense right?

So I didn't tell people my problems because on the very few times I did I got shut down.

'Everyone feels that way.'

'It'll be better. Just think positively.'

'Other people have it worse.'

So I just stopped talking to people about my issues and focused on their issues.

Which worked for a while. And then it didn't. It started to knaw on me. I got defensive. I got down right mean sometimes.

I was not always a fun person to be around. (I still doubt I am now tbh)

I realized in my late teens/early twenties that that is not the way to cope. So I worked on that. I found people that actually cared and that I could talk to. I learned to even fucking like myself (most of the time).

Enter Marc Spector.

And once it clicked I saw the parallels only adding up more and more. He was this stark reminder of all my past issues, those I figured out how to handle and those I didn't (yet).

And it fucking hurt.

I have seen a lot of people talk about how Steven helped them love themselves. People with autism for example that saw themselves represented. People that saw themselves in him and seeing other people love Steven made them realized that they too can be and are loved.

And I do too! Steven was my immediate favorite. I loved that he was passionate about his special interests, I loved how much he cared and just how sweet he was in general.

But Marc hit me like a fucking train.

Marc doesn't know how to really ask for help. In his mind he needs to take all the issues and burden on himself. He cares so much for Layla and for Steven and wants to help and protect them more than he does for himself.

And fuck did I feel seen. Uncomfortably so.

I love Marc and I love Steven. First of all because they are just great characters but also because of what they represent.

They show that when you are struggling and feeling helpless that even if you don't feel like it: you deserve to be loved. Even when shit gets ugly.

I really don't know how to end this tbh. This is more rambling and trauma dumping than anything else but.

I suppose I just needed to get this off of my chest like a year after the show aired.

And idk maybe people can relate to that too.

[redphienix]

Got the late night blues so let me take this opportunity to instead focus on something genuine, joyful, and heartwarming for myself.

I've taken a few scant opportunities to talk about various things my dad has done that make me happy- that add up to a small part of why I love the guy, and for my 30th birthday he did another one that really touched my heart.

The thing with my dad is he's not a particularly externally expressive emotion kinda guy. Like think of a generic physical labor tough guy dad type and you've got the idea- not particularly expressive, sometimes he's grumpy, that kinda person- at least as far as he's expressed to me all these years.

I've seen him at some emotional break-points, he's not so stone cold that I've never seen him cry and I've certainly seen him laugh or joyful- but most of the time he's kind of plain-faced and quiet about it. I'm giving a touch more of a 'grim' implication to him, it's more accurate to say he's got like a 10% happy 40% hard-ass 50% present attitude to him. He usually feels pleasant but quiet unless he's telling a story.

So you wouldn't really think to get particularly heartfelt gifts from the guy, and usually you won't. He's said many times ever since we were kids that he can't pretend to know what we'd actually want, so he gives money. That's his gift, that's what you get, he loves ya and here's 50-200 bucks or whatever. Happy birthday/christmas etc.

A few times he's broken this, either because someone else pushed him to, or because we ask for something specific, or because he gets an idea- and these moments- especially the last one- always catch me off guard.

That's how you get him painting a giant pikachu on my wall as a kid, or helping paint a skyline with birds across a different childhood room, or the pendant he gave me a few years back that I'll always guess my step mom pushed him to get but the fact he did still makes me smile-

but for my 30th he did something that caught me off guard so much it took me a few hours before it really hit me and damn near made me cry because I find it sweet.

When I was a kid my dad used to take me to a giant kentucky flea market that happened like once a year. We went a good handful of times together, it was a big deal for us, it was like up to a week we'd spend just me, him, my grandpa, and usually an uncle or cousin along for the ride, and we'd work a stand and explore the market.

So here's what he got me:

Some of you will know, others might scratch your head- the thing is for a moment I was the latter.

This looked so FAMILIAR but it escaped me.

Then I was reminded why it looked so familiar. They are honey sticks.

A treat I used to beg for constantly whenever we went on our trips.

There was a stand where a bee-keeper (or not hell if I know) would sell tons of flavored honeys they had- I remember begging to get big jars of the stuff with combs inside- what I had forgotten until I saw these was just how many of these little sticks I had eaten over my many years visiting the market.

I used to get these all the time!

But the thing is.

My dad remembered.

Of course he did, he was older than I was at the time, but also, he didn't have to remember. It isn't like we talk about that time too much, I wouldn't expect a sentimental memory like this.

But the time we shared was important enough to remember. He remembered kid me loving these silly little treats and begging for them and how many I tore through while we ran the stall, and he picked some more up to celebrate my 30th.

Just typing it has me tearing up pretty bad. I love that mother fucker.

I've only eaten one so far, but it brought back so many memories of our time there.

I just. I love my dad. And the fact he sat there and thought of me, remembered me, and got me something that only I would find meaningful due to our shared experience, it got me pretty fucking hard, man.

Hilariously enough. To cap it off he got me a little money. Because he's my dad. He doesn't know what I'd want, so you get money, and that'll do.

[dev-nxbody-h3re]

i come for more *ominous music*

Micheal? how did you meet every one of the tormentors and what are your thoughts one them?

that is all i asked for *Ascends*

(in case you didn't know, i actually made a video on this exact scenario on my youtube channel :D i haven't uploaded in a bit but i SWEAR im still doing stuff T-T)

Michael: Well, that's actually a bit of a funny story.. it was in 6th.. no, it was 7th grade, so we were about 12 I think. I tried skipping lunch because I thought the school rules were dogshit and I was some kind of pre-bad boy even before I hit highschool. But the hall monitor told me to get the fuck back in there or she'd give me detention- which was bullshit, but whatever.

So I go back into the cafeteria and there's only one table open. I'm thinking, oh fucking great, there's Assholes 1, 2, and 3, I'm gonna be stuck here for the next half-hour. I gotta tell you though, they were the cutest kids. I had a distinctly British, swagless demeanor at the time so I looked constantly dead inside- more than I ended up actually being later. But I digress, I should continue the story. So I'm being mopey and emo about it because I'm 12 and that's the most important thing I have to deal with.

I look away for one moment and these motherfuckers have me surrounded. They've been trying to force me to be their friend for a bit now, and they're about to annoy me into accepting their friendship. Eventually I decide that I'm fighting a losing battle and accept their offer of friendship, thinking that I'll just be their friend for one lunch period and that'll be that.

Yeah.. we ended up being friends for the rest of our lives. And then after, too. Granted, there was like forty years between them dying and then coming back but like, I think it still counts.

My opinion of them? God, you'll be lucky if this response doesn't take up your entire screen. Sorry but- well, I'm not really sorry, because 1, I like talking about my friends, and 2, you actually asked for this. Congratulations, you're getting exactly what you asked for! Yay!

Let's start with James. Now look, okay, I can admit this is going to be ridiculously sappy, so why don't we just pretend that I'm actually saying something deep, and.. and enlightening, or something. Just between us. Okay. Honestly, James is literally just the best. He's always been there for me even when I haven't asked, just- God, I love him so much. There's so much I want to talk about but this would actually be enormous- I don't think either of us really thought this through. Whatever. He's amazing, and funny, and pretty, and I'm very in love with him, 10/10 friend and boyfriend, would recommend. Except I wouldn't, because he's not up for grabs.

Moving on to Matthew.. where do I even start? Let's just get one thing out of the way, he's so cool. Like, if Jeremy is cool in a cool way, Matthew is cool in a loser way. He's just.. a guy. In my house! Sometimes I'll wake up and be sad like usual and then I see Matthew and I'm like "Oh!! A guy!! A funky dude!!" and then everything's good again. Very huggable, my best loser, 10/10 friend, love him very much. I would throw myself into a volcano for him.

And finally, Taylor. God, they're gorgeous. Obviously that's not all, but. Fuck. Taylor is literally the only one of us who has any sort of fashion sense at all, it's insane. Taylor's also smart as fuck, even if they don't think so. They're so insecure about themself I just kinda wanna squeeze them and shake them around a bit until they finally get it inside their head that they're so perfect. Taylor is absolutely the most perfect human on planet Earth and they live with me! I've never been luckier in my life! So incredibly cool in the least straight way possible, I love them more than life itself, 10/10 human ever.

There's your answer. This got a bit out of my control, but in my defense this is what you asked for. I could've gone into so much detail your head would've exploded, but I didn't. And thank god you didn't ask about Jeremy, or Evan, or Elizabeth, or literally anybody else because I have so much to say about them this response would've been so fucking long.

Bye.