#because i felt. deeply disturbed by that post. and deeply angered

[lettucedloophole]

- do not rb -

saw this really ableist post recently so this is going to come out of left field but i think it's. maybe good to consider the implications of immediately designating someone's existence as lesser due to lack of cognitive ability. this sounds stupid without context so i'm just going to say i saw a post about how "high functioning" autistic ppl shouldn't denounce a cure for autism bc "lower-functioning" people who can't be independent by themselves would benefit from it. op used the term "permatoddler" to describe such ppl and so it made me think if toddlers existences are useless. like if someone was theoretically a toddler forever would that be so bad?

it's hard to unpack, but i think a good rule of thumb to follow morally is life for life's sake. if someone's alive, they should live. yes? generally speaking, i think so. people should live unless they're unliving other people. and so, the burden of a toddler comes in-- does it take away from others' lives to care for someone else, is the question. inherently, is it a burden to care for others with no return. is lack of independence a burden. has negative implications not only for intellectually disabled ppl but physically disabled ppl and kids. not to be like a bioessentialist or whatever but i feel like it goes against the nature of like most of humanity to say caring takes away from human lives rather than enriches them . ..

second thing. who are we to say what existence is better than another, what's wrong or right... it sounds so trite and stupidly abstract but if someone is living and happy then do you have a right to impose change onto that person when they're not taking from others? if someone is a so severely intellectually disabled that an outside party feels their life is a pity, could they want that change for themselves if they're as helpless as op posits... i guess the answer i'm supposed to come to is "no, but it's objectively okay to force change because we know better." and i don't like that answer

third thing. posing negative behaviours (+emotions) of ppl with intellectual disabilities as innate to them rather than the effects of ableist society, namely, lack of care or, maltreatment... i don't believe that some people are just born bad. i cannot make myself believe that. even if it were true, how would i know? how would you, how would anyone know? the structures making things difficult for disabled people and everyone else are still in place.

is it unethical to keep the human race going if care is expected to be given to babies & kids? this is more tangential than directly related but it's about taking the burden of care narrative to its extreme.

this is not a well-thought out post. it's 4am and I didn't sleep well yesterday either. i was just bothered by that post and wanted to get my thoughts out about it. please do share if you guys have any thoughts about this as well.

[motherofplatypus]

This fic is inspired by @solargeist post, and i wanna see how far i can go. This will be based on the aftermath of session 4.

Also i make a cat =(^ • w • ^)=

***

As stressful as it was having two teammates who endanger themselves more than they endanger others, Grian loves Mumbo and Skizz unconditionally...to some extent, at least.

Like, sure, with the Wild Card being a menace and Skizz's skill in making traps should be considered a war crime, Grian cares for them deeply throughout the day. Yes, only during daytime, because at night time, boy does the urge to blow them up in their sleep almost felt too tempting.

Mumbo and Skizz talked in their sleep. Like, literally talk and even almost having a full coherent conversation, even laughing as if they're making jokes. How does that happen is anyone's guess, but Grian, having the fourth night of his sleep being disturbed, had reached his breaking point.

He got three choices: 1) Blow his teammates up; 2) Sleep outside, or; 3) He'd rather deal with zombies than doing Option 3.

Option 1 is tempting, but he's green, he can't kill. Option 2 is worth the risk, but getting shot by a skeleton every time he tried to sleep isn't a viable option either.

Like, he could just suck it up and force himself to sleep and be sleep deprived in the morning, but he's too petty for that.

So, option 3 it is, and he despise every moment of it.

He went over the bridge and climbed up the stairs. The three parrot statues looked menacing under the moonlight, as if telling him to turn back. Grian would love to, but at night, there's not really any place for him.

He reached the top of the mountain, the base for the Bamboozler. The place was dimly lit, but just enough to keep the mobs from spawning. He saw Jimmy and Lizzie sleeping on their bed, quite far away from one another, busy with their own dream.

Not far away from them was another bed, occupied by the last person Grian wanted to see tonight, and that same person was the one Grian approached.

Grian didn't bother to wake Scar up first. He lifted the blanket and set himself on the small bed. It creaked as Grian laid himself there, with his back facing Scar.

It's just for tonight, Grian thought to himself.

He changed position a bit and his back brushed against Scar's back, and he shuddered immediately. The pain from the arrow that pierced his back appeared once more like a ghost. Being stabbed in the back.

Betrayed.

Grian found himself shivered. He never had problems being stabbed in the back, being betrayed, or being killed. But to be killed like that by Scar? The one person he trusted would kill him in a grandiose way, and not the cheap, underhanded way? It stung his heart so deep it hurts.

It's not that he couldn't forgive, but it's not like he could trust him either now. For all he knows, Scar could wake up and stabbed him again right now to take a life from him.

Betrayed, that feeling has been engraved in his heart.

But then an arm wrapped around him, pulling him closer to the body behind him. The smell of fresh bamboo filled his lung, an like a drug, it calmed him down.

Soft breathing sound on his ear, quietly speaking to him. I'm sorry, said the silence.

There are words hanging by Grian's mouth. Curses, anger, sadness, all but at the tip of his tongue. And yet, even with his mouth slightly opened, there's nothing that came out but a sigh that relaxed him further, as he put his hand on that arm that holds him close.

When the daylight came, he may not be able to trust him again. But for now, he sleeps in the safety he's familiar with.

[lyledebeast]

Re your post on Thomas and a new era. I like that joh mentioned Thomas originally being angry and bitter. On one hand that was very unhealthy for himself and for the way he treated others BUT on the other I always felt a little uncomfortable about how a big part of his redemption arc is about him becoming grateful and being "tamed" so to speak. It wasnt "Thomas does some self exploration and releases that taking out his frustration on his peers is wrong and there are more productive ways to act out against the system" it was more like "Thomas accepts his station in life and learns that being nice and grateful regardless of the sh*t thrown your way is the right way to live because at the end of the day the symbiotic relationship between loyal servant and benevolent landowners is a public good and there are certainly no systemic issues which need to be addressed".

Yeah, I agree with you that it wasn't the healthiest possible way for Thomas to be, but it's still what I love and enjoy about him, lol! In their tags on that post, @junkshop-disco wrote "I think what I wanted for Thomas was for him to be angry and bitter with company and to slowly heal some of his wounds" (I hope you don't mind me responding to you here). And I agree! That would have been ideal. The trouble is that Lord Julian Fellowes was never going to write that because, for some reason, he seems to find the anger of marginalized people deeply disturbing (see also Tom Branson) even as he claims to support the results that anger helped to achieve.

Given the choice between Thomas as an angry, bitter, scheming footman and Thomas as leaving the country to live with a man he barely knows because he thinks it's "[his] best chance at happiness," I'll take the first any day!

It's also worth mentioning there was very little in the way of progress towards gay rights in 20th C Great Britain prior to the Wolfenden Report of 1957. Fellowes could not rewrite history, which makes linking Thomas's happiness to overturning systemic issues a bit problematic. But, all of these changes began with gay men, and other marginalized groups, coming together, in anger and bitterness but also love and solidarity, and there is no good reason why Fellowes couldn't have shown that.

[louisetaylor]

Hot Take

So people have already noticed the similarities between Victor Frankenstein and Percy Shelley (both being a Douche Bag, as it were) but I've never seen anyone go further into the implications of that.

Mary Shelley as the monster, and Percy Shelley as Victor Frankenstein. Percy brought Mary into a new world of intelligence, independent thought, artistic beauty, and enormous potential. (His Prometheus Bound showed him identifying with Prometheus, who in some myths Created Humanity and gave it the dangerous gift of Fire.) Just as Victor brought the monster into the world. (Oh wait, I just remembered that Frankenstein's subtitle is The Modern Prometheus.)

Victor, raised in an alpine paradise of safety and love, was deeply disturbed by the death of his mother. In his grieving (slightly maddened) mind, it's implied that he wants to bring his mother back to life. Perhaps Mary saw Percy as wanting her to be a motherly figure to him. After briefly checking Wikipedia, it appears that Shelley had a peaceful childhood close to his mother and sisters, after which he was bullied at school and developed an interest in gunpowder, acids, and electricity, once electrically shocking a teacher. Like Victor, he may want to return to that paradise through Mary.

Mary lost a child. Maybe she wished that child back to life. She was denied the role of mother, which was pushed on women back then, but still may have been close to her heart. Did she have to act like a nurturing mother to Percy? Maybe she truly wanted to. Either way, as I think someone's already said, Victor tries to create life without the usual path of Birthing Mother. Motherhood is not a major theme of the book--the absence of the mother is.

Everyone says Victor Is A Douche Bag, which makes for a few funny posts, but that doesn't do justice to the Deeply Upset young man who has just been cast out of a childhood paradise upon the death of his mother, isn't quite sane, and (as Percy did at school) throws himself into dark science and the occult. Percy (in Prometheus Bound) expresses such great dreams of a paradisal world of kindness and beauty. Mary saw him for what he was, a genius with a warm heart. Victor wasn't just a Douche Bag; he was Vulnerable and Sick and Alone and Not Quite Sane.

Whatever Percy's problems, Mary wasn't just a Badass Woman who's Done with her Douche Husband's Sh!t. She was a lonely young woman with a cheating husband and three lost babies, who was so much more than her relationships but still deeply needed love and connection. Even in a house of creatives, the society of like-minded people she'd finally managed to reach, she was estranged (like the monster himself, wanting to enter the society of humans but watching them in secret).

Maybe Mary felt like a monster. Oh, she knew she was intelligent and human as the rest of them, but still she might have felt clumsy and ugly and scary. Don't women sometimes feel like they can't offend or hurt anyone or they'll be a dangerous monster? And now we come to Mary's mother, Mary Wollstonecraft, who died 11 days after giving birth to her. Like Victor, Mary Shelley herself was missing her mother. Unlike Victor/Percy, she never had the childhood paradise of a loving mother. She loved Victor/Percy and deeply connected to his memory of a happy childhood, his present mother, his freedom to learn from the best schools and pursue his occasionally dangerous interests, his freedom to BE dangerous. Mary probably feared being dangerous (as lots of women do) and, unlike Percy, saw the danger in Dark Occult and Scientific interests, even as they interested her.

She also has some similarity to Victor herself. Like Victor, she grows interested in a Dark Dangerous Thing (Percy, with his experiments and anger issues) and involves herself with said Dangerous Thing.

(On an unrelated note, the name Victor is tragically ironic because Victor means Winner, and Victor does not Win. He was destined from birth, named by his loving parents, to have great potential and help people with his naturally kind heart. Like the monster, he comes back Wrong.)

Victor loves a girl who's raised as his sister but isn't related to him. She's always in the distance; he doesn't tell her about the monster because he wants to protect her from all the terrible story. But since he doesn't tell her, since he doesn't involve the woman he loves in his dangerous creative life, the creature kills her. And as he turns his back on the creature, the creature turns its back on him and turns evil. He could have saved the creature, could have saved his wife. When the Could-Have enters the story, that's where the story turns to tragedy.

Here's where the story of Victor and the Creature diverges from the story of Percy and Mary. Until now, Mary has showed a near-Tolkienian ability to write an original story influenced by the spiritual tragedies and loves and losses of her own life and Percy's, both before and after they met each other. But now the Creature, unlike Mary, ceases to care whether he hurts anyone or not. He leaves, and Victor finally follows him. Sickening and weak and weary, Victor walks alone into the cold, determined to kill the Creature before it hurts anyone else.

On briefly checking Wikipedia again, we find that Mary believed in compassion and understanding over Percy's individualistic Romanticism. As in many of Shakespeare's tragedies, if Percy/Victor had involved his wife in his creative life and work, listened to her, the story might be saved. The absence of the mother (which for her didn't just mean a literal mother, but the caring love and understanding she missed in her stepmother and possibly in Percy himself) influences the whole story and turns it toward tragedy.

She was educated by her father, who believed in Individualistic Anarchy, like his follower Percy Shelley (that's how she met Percy). Two of her later novels are about a woman "educated under a tyrannical father figure". Both in Frankenstein and in her later novels, she rose above the Individualistic Anarchy of her father and husband (I'm sure Percy's friendship with Byron didn't help) to write of the motherly Compassion and Understanding she'd missed in her own life.

She loved Percy/Victor, regardless of his issues. In the end, Victor/Percy is tired, worn out, sick, but still gentle and lovable and kind at heart, traveling into the cold to stop the Creature. If anyone could see through the drama and madness to Percy's inner kindness and warm heart, it was Mary. Like Victor following the Creature, she followed him through cold and hardship and social rejection. The subject of social rejection brings to mind the strict morality of Victorian Europe, which rejected the unmarried Percy and Mary as it rejected the Creature for his dangerous humanity. Humanity, both in the Creature and in Victor, is dangerous. But Mary liked both its warmth and its danger. In some ways she was as mad as Shelley. His wild looks were what attracted her to him.

Mary, like her lost mother, did rise above the Social Rule of Women Only Being Mothers. Both her literal motherhood and her motherly compassion were by choice, and for the sake of that compassion she wrote as intelligently and passionately as her husband, invented two literary genres, and took care of her son. But she was no prig. She was nineteen and hungry and free, as passionate as Shelley himself. She wasn't a Loving Stifling Mother warning her poor dissolute son to stay out of trouble. She was inventive, bringing to life a strange and frightening story of a beautiful, lovable, vulnerable madman who remains kind of hot to this day.

[smokefalls]

Title: Babel Author: R.F. Kuang Publication Year: 2022 Publisher: Harper Voyager Genre: fiction, fantasy, historical fiction

[Note: I read this book in November 2022, but am only publishing quotes and a review now because the HarperCollins union have finally gotten their contract, meaning I will return to posting content from books published by HarperCollins.]

I’ve sat on this review for months (primarily because of the HarperCollins strike), but I think it helped to reflect on what I took away from Babel. I want to begin and say that Babel is absolutely brilliant. It is scathing, well-researched, and more. As a racialized academic in the humanities, Kuang touched on many things that deeply resonated with me, but one thing she got across wonderfully was the agonizing love/hate relationship that historically marginalized people have while in academia. I felt a lot of catharsis reading this book and sincerely empathized with Robin’s grief and Griffin’s anger in particular.

I can see how Kuang deliberately crafted her characters to be more than characters. They are part of a larger, very layered commentary on the violent, isolating nature of academia and its ties to powerful institutions and systems. Babel is a fascinating yet disturbing exploration of how disrupting the status quo, especially at institutions like Oxford, is a complex act of violence, depending on who is the one writing history.

I’ve seen some of the criticisms of this book. I feel confident in saying that some were terrible takes (I don’t need to rehash them, especially if you’ve seen them on other social media platforms), but I think there were some valid criticisms as well. I agree that the pacing of the book was a bit awkward, thinking back on my reading experience, and realizing that part of the reason why it took so long for me to get through this book was due to pacing. Another understandable critique was the desire to see the fantastical elements of this book to be fleshed out more (though this didn’t really bother me, personally). A third critique I saw that I do want to respond to is about the heavy-handed nature of the book. I can see why some may not like this, but… as a marginalized scholar in the humanities (and one who has gotten a degree in the United Kingdom), I can say with absolute confidence that this is our reality. It can be very in your face in the most appalling ways. A great example of this is when someone outright tells Robin’s cohort, “We accept you not despite, but because of your foreign backgrounds.” These moments are frequent throughout Babel, but Kuang is simply portraying what racialized academics face and the different ways these play out.

Babel is by no means perfect, but when it comes to the heart of the content, it is a tour de force in literature about academia. Babel is a desperately needed book in this realm of literature, especially with how frequently romanticized academia is to an alarming degree. This book truly brings the “dark” in “dark academia,” and no matter how heavy-handed the book may seem, I hope it brings some awareness to the power dynamics and lasting colonial legacies of the academic world.

(I have a lot of thoughts on this book, and all the notes I’ve written on this book barely make it in this review, but just know that this one hit very close to home.)

Content Warning: racism, death, colonialism, child abuse, violence, classism, slavery, colorism, sexism, murder, suicide, xenophobia, toxic friendship, grief

[couches]

plz don’t talk to me about this post

damn when was the last time i made a post. LMAO this shit looks bad on desktop holy fuck

just checking in. i’m doing bad.

i have a place i do my journaling but i don’t know why i wanted this post to go out to more than just the void. i feel like i’ve needed a win for like the past few months and i just have not gotten one. not to say nothing good is going on in my life because the same things that have always been going well (my relationship, my friends, my parents’ health, my job, my dog) are doing really well. my mental health has just been doing really terribly and it’s been so difficult to focus on the good. you may remember bpd as the adhd or autism of the 2010′s and ya girl is still eating shit daily. 

the holidays are always tough for me, and things somehow went worse than i expected this year. i’ve been really missing camille even though i see her more frequently than ever, it’s just been hard being this far into our relationship and comparing it to my friends who get to spend the holidays together or who have normal families who are accepting and excited about their child’s s/o. i always feel lonely during christmas but i felt even lonelier still feeling so far away from being able to spend holidays or any happy days with the person i love and who i’m spending the rest of my life with. it just really, really hurts sometimes. (all the time) 

i don’t even really want to talk about my brother being annoying because that’s just the status quo. he cussed at me when we were in the car and i actually had to breathe deeply because my anger was actually about to get out of control LOL. i just had to stay quiet and breathe. and then when i got home i just stayed in my room and cried. and then i was thinking about camille’s sisters and how horrible they are to her and it made me cry more. [putting this vaguely cuz i don’t wanna divulge her family info in my own post] i’m glad things are resolved for the sake of her peace but i still have so much anger in my heart about it and i think hearing about it on the same day where i already was feeling so angry and hurt and alone just made me even more upset. i just can’t believe it’s been a month of them (especially the younger one) ignoring her and acting like she’s a ghost in their house. she didn’t even look up to acknowledge me when i visited and that was enough to make me pissed off and i don’t even give a fuck because she’s not my sister so imagine how much it would hurt if she was. i just feel really disturbed by the whole thing and i don’t ever want to be in the same space as them again, still. 

i just couldn’t stop crying last night because i felt really frustrated about feeling anger and hatred LOL. believe it or not... i hate feeling that way! and i just feel really consumed by my anger these days. i feel like i used to be such a happy and forgiving and kind person and now i look in the mirror and i don’t even see that. i see someone who is bitter and angry all the time. i know it’s because i’ve become more passionate about injustice, personally and globally, but sometimes i just feel so tired. i feel like no one else shares my pain and i’m wrong. i feel crazy. even though my therapist always tells me i’m not and always tells me that how i feel makes sense. i just feel like i’m crazy and i’m screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. but then when people do hear me i feel like i have to minimize myself and what i’m feeling because i don’t want to share this burden. the burden of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!! 

i saw this quote that was saying like, is the real you the one who did that horrible thing, or the one who feels awful about the horrible thing you did? and i know that i am forever a compassionate person who can accept my mistakes and flaws and who knows that radical love and empathy is the key to growth and joy. but i just can’t stop being consumed by my feelings these days. i know i can’t help how i feel but i can help how i react. but god it’s so hard... 

i don’t mean this in a derogatory way toward myself, but it’s crazy that i’m 25 still making posts the same way i did when i was 15. just depressed, confused, hating myself, and on tumblr.

[alicewrotethis]

𐙚ᣟ݂﹒𝐠𝐞𝐥 𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬﹒

ㅤ۫ㅤ ˚ ۪˖𓏲﹒synopsis!! ushijima is faced with a new foreign feeling towards you ㅤ ˖ㅤㅤ۫ㅤ ˚౨ cw!! u. wakatoshi x fem!reader, sfw ﹒ ◠ note!! ushijima my beloved dhdh ͘pt.2 coming soon!! just wanted to post this to get stuff out there ! not proofread౨ wc!! 1,8k part.2

"Satori!" You shouted, hands balled into fists as you banged them against the wooden door. Your brother, tendou, had a bad habit of sleeping in late despite the twenty alarms that wake everyone up in the house but him.

This was the third time this week he'd be late to his early practice, and under normal circumstances, you wouldn't care but today was different. Today his alarms didn't stop, today his door was locked, and it was five in the morning.

"Satori if you don't wake up I'm gonna scrub the toilet with your toothbrush again!" You shouted once again, fists meeting the door another four times and within a matter of seconds the obnoxious beeping came to a stop, and so did most of your anger and hatred for your brother in that moment.

You could hear faint thudding come from the other side of the door before it creaked open.

"What do you mean again?" A bedheaded tendou appeared in the crack of the door, his voice was hoarse like he had cotton mouth.

You hadn't even realized that in your fit of rage you revealed the secret you had been keeping from tendou. You could practically feel the fear radiating off tendou, the longer you remained silent the more his expression dropped.

"You're joking, right? You haven't done that before?" Tendou opened the door more to get a better look at your expression.

instead of giving him a straightforward answer, you brought your wrist up, "Oh look at the time, I've got to get ready" You spoke, quickly turning your heel and dashing towards the safe confines of your room.

"You don't even own a watch!" Tendou yelled as you turned away, his face still one of horror. He knew he'd have to get a new toothbrush soon, he couldn't trust you.

The walk to school was chilly, the crisp air biting the tip of your nose as you made your way to the entrance of Shiratorizawa, opening the door you were met with a warm breeze, a nice contrast from the cold weather.

With a shiver, you made your way straight to your first class, history, which arguably was your least favorite class. Not because of the history or teacher, but because there was one classmate you hated more than anyone, Ushijima Wakatoshi. You hadn't had any specific reason for hating your brother's best friend other than the fact he was an emotionless asshole who also happened to be your brother's best friend.

You couldn't understand how someone could go a whole day with the same expression plastered on their face, if you had a dollar for every time you saw ushijima smile you'd be in major debt.

You set your bag on the hook next to your desk and sat down, your notebook was splayed out in front of you with your favorite gel pen, it was your favorite color with little hints of sparkle in it and you always kept two just in case one got lost.

The sound of a quiet bell filled the room and everyone took their proper seats, dispersing from their friends as the teacher took his rightful place in front of the class, setting his own bag down on the desk.

You stared out the window to your right as the teacher explained the lesson he would be teaching for today.

"Everyone should have their notebook and pen, including you Ohira." The teacher spoke, turning his back to write something on the board, quiet giggles coming from your classmates.

You felt a light tap on your shoulder which snapped you out of your trance, turning to your left you locked eyes with Ushijima, his usual expression plastered on his face leading to annoyance bubbling in your chest.

You gave him a confused look, not wanting to disturb anyone paying attention.

"Do you have a pen?" He whispered deeply, "I lent mine to your brother and haven't gotten it back yet."

Despite everything in you telling you to ignore him and let him suffer the consequences of trusting your brother to return things on time, you felt bad for the guy in some sadistic way.

You nodded, rolling your eyes as you dug around in the pocket of your bag, grabbing a gel pen and handing it to Ushijima who then stared at the color and sparkle of it.

"Do you have one that's less sparkly?" He looked at you once more.

Staring back at him you shook your head with a slight attitude, "Beggars can't be choosers, and that's a great color." You said, opening the cap to your own pen and copying the notes down in your book with ease.

"I wasn't begging." He retorted, copying the same actions as you with ease.

"A thank you would be nice." You mumbled under your breath, not expecting him to pick up on your remark.

"Thank you" He spoke softly, just loud enough for you to hear. You couldn't help the slight blush that fluttered your cheeks.

The rest of the lesson went fairly smoothly and before you knew it the bell chimed once again, signaling it was lunchtime. Not even a second passed before people were packing up and opening the doors to meet with their friends or head to the gym, which is what Ushijima did.

You didn't pay him much mind when he left the classroom, too focused on opening your bento to be greeted with the delightful smell of your favorite food. You were practically drooling at the sight as your hunger quickly caught up to you.

You got a few bites in before you remembered Ushijima never gave you your pen back, ironic how Tendou stole his and now he steals yours? What would you do if you lost the one you have now? What pen would you use? You couldn't just ask to borrow someone else's. You sighed before packing up your bento and heading towards the men's volleyball gym.

Your mind was racing for reasons you couldn't even understand, you were sure why you were so nervous, it would be quick. Just in and out. Simple as that.

Moving the net away from the door you slipped in, the sound of volleyballs hitting the ground and sneakers against the floors echoed off the walls. Looking around you searched for the familiar head of hair but to no avail.

"Hey, sis, what're you doing here?" Tendou ran up to you, a thick layer of sweat on his forehead.

"I'm looking for Ushijima, have you seen him?" You asked, hoping he wouldn't get the wrong idea.

"Sure have, he's right behind you actually," Tendou spoke, lifting his hands and pointing to the tall figure leaning over you.

Turning around you were slightly spooked by his height, it never failed to surprise you just how freakishly big this guy was.

Ushijima had on a plain black shirt with his usual gym shorts, and his hair was slightly disheveled.

Craning your neck up to meet his olive eyes your words got lodged in your throat, the sight of him made you speechless. The way his hair clung to his wet forehead, despite only being a few feet from him his scent was powerful, like how a fine leather would smell, with a slight tinge of pure musk.

Ushijimas expression changed to one of confusion as he raised an eyebrow at your lost face.

"I, uh, pen," You stuttered out, "My pen,"

"You came here for your pen back?" He asked, confused about why you'd miss lunch for a gel pen.

"It's my backup pen," You explained, your nerves slowly calming down, "It's important."

Ushijima let his face contort to one of amusement, a small smirk adorning his lips as he nodded and led you to his bag that was sitting atop a bench.

You were intriguing to Ushijima, but he couldn't quite figure you out. Despite you being his best friend's sister, he never took the time to actually get to know you, it was an unspoken line in their friendship. Though he didn't see himself getting along with you either way, Ushijima thought you were stubborn and rude from what Tendou has told him.

Who uses someone's toothbrush to scrub the toilet? But, knowing Tendou, he might've deserved it. What he did know was that you were smart and presented yourself well, however, that is what was required to get into a school like Shiratorizawa, so it wasn't that much of a secret.

Grabbing the pen out of his bag he turned and handed it to you, only he let go too soon before you could grab it causing it to fall onto the floor.

You sighed and leaned down, too preoccupied to realize Ushijima was doing the same thing, and before you knew it your foreheads met with a slight thud. Your hands launched up to cup your forehead as you hissed, tears pricking in the corners of your eyes. How thick was this guy's skull?

"My apologies," Ushijima spoke, his eyes scanning over your form, worried about your being.

His hands came up to meet yours, moving them away to assess the damage, oblivious to the flush that lined your skin at his actions. You stared at the way his hands practically engulfed yours. His felt rough and cold, a contrast to your soft and warm hands, it was enough to send a shiver down your spine, making you forget the pin of your head.

His thumb slid across your forehead before he retracted them, swiftly picking the pen back up and placing it in your hands properly this time.

Ushijima wouldn't deny the fact that he found you attractive and that the closeness of your proximity made his heart rate shoot through the roof, but the feeling was so foreign to him that he couldn't understand it. He was never good with these kinds of things since he never had time to indulge in things past one-night stands, and for once, Ushijima didn't know what to do. You're Tendou's sister. He knew he shouldn't be curious about you, he shouldn't wanna get to know the true you.

"Does it still hurt?" He asked, still staring down at you.

"No, thanks for worrying," You spoke softly, not daring to meet his gaze. "I should get back," Your hand cupped your elbow nervously, hoping he didn't notice the state you were in.

You knew feeling this way would lead to nothing good down the road, and on any normal day, you couldn't stand the guy. Maybe the head bump gave you a minor concussion.

"See you around." He said, watching you turn and head towards the exit of the gym.

Your fists clenched tightly around the pen, knuckles turning white, you weren't sure what to make of the whole situation and you hoped it didn't change the way you'd interact or view him, you hoped to whatever was out there that you'd come to your senses after today and that the familiar feeling of annoyance and hatred would soon return to your body.

You quite missed the feeling.

mlist. rules. tags.

© 𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐄𝐖𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 ─ please don't copy, translate, or post any of my work without my permission !

[shanks42]

Shanks: The ancient prophecy of the missing millennia

Sorry for the wait. I will post a new section of the story probably every 2 to 3 days. Thankyou for the patience. I will be making a master list to find the links easier today for y'all. :)

Chapter 10: Robin and Nami see Shanks again

They finally arrive at the infirmary and both take a deep breath before opening the door and entering. They teared up at the sight in front of them and started crying. There layed Shanks, bandaged from head to toe in gauze, some areas thicker. He had IVs in his arms and was on a breathing machine as they watched his chest slowly rise and fall. His heart rate was stable and breathing steady, face scrunched up like he was in terrible pain even after Chopper gave him painkillers.

Robin went and sat on the other bed in the room and began shuffling through his medical charts. Meanwhile Nami grabbed a chair from the corner of the room and placed it directly by the bed, grabbing Shank’s hand with hers and kissing his fingers one by one. “I’m so sorry this had to happen to you. It was because Blackbeard saw Robin and I on your boat huh? How did he ever find out you are the Red Dragon out of those legends.” said Nami; Just then they saw his heart rate spike and breath hitch like he knew it was her.

Robin walked over with the other chair and started to gently stroke Shank’s head gently massaging it, minding the injuries already there. “It looks like you’ve been through literal hell sweetie. What did they do to you? Surely it can’t be good.” whispered Robin loud enough for Nami to look up. “I don’t know, but those bastards are going to pay for hurting the man we have come to love so deeply in the last 2 years. This is inexcusable and they will pay dearly for it with their lives” hissed Nami. Anger came off her in waves before Robin gently grabbed her cheek and told her to calm down and how it wasnt good for Shank’s right now.

Nami and Robin were suddenly awoken by the machine showing heart rate spiking and uneven breathing. They hadn’t realized they fell asleep leaning over the bed, they both looked up and saw sweat beading on his brow and him shaking violently. Robin used her 'cien fluor' to hold the shaking captain down on the bed as Nami climbed on top, straddling him as she grabbed his face in her hands and gently called out to him. 

The look on his face was pain, fear and something else that they couldn't put their fingers on. Robin kept holding him down as she gently started stroking his hair as Nami continued to call out his name calmly trying to pull him out of whatever nightmare he was having. When nothing else worked, Nami leant down and kissed him causing him to relax instantly. Robin released her hold and was putting her hand down when a bandaged hand suddenly grabbed it and pulled it up to a bandaged chest where Nami’s hand was. 

They both looked down and were surprised to see tired maroon eyes looking between the two of them. He weakly smiled and grimaced in pain “mmm hurts” he mumbled barely coherently. “Let me call the doctor and get them in here” said Nami as she gently climbed off of Shanks and crossed the room to the transponder snail.

 “I missed you, more than you know. I was so heartbroken when I found out what happened. Nami felt the same way. You can’t leave us, please don’t leave us.” Robin said quietly as not to disturb Nami as she called Law. “I missed my girls too. I’m sorry this happened and I wasn’t strong enough. There were too many of them all at once” weakly replied Shanks as Nami walked up hearing all of it. “Robin was right, you had us so worried that we had lost you. After you promised to take us and the straw hats to explore the world with you hehe” lightly said Nami ending in a laugh. 

Just then Chopper and Law walked into the room smiling looking down at Shanks. “Good to see you awake so soon, let’s get these pain killers down. Are you hungry, can you maybe sip on some broth??” asked Chopper as he checked his vitals and Law administered the Painkillers. After receiving no answer they looked and realized he had succumbed to sleep again. “He should be fine, if he has nightmares I'm sure you guys can handle it but if anything happens or gets out of control let us know.” said Law and he and Chopper walked out of the room. Nami and Robin were beyond tired and finally decided to crawl into bed with Shanks and hold him as they passed out. Amazingly no nightmares came that night.

[deceitful-darlings]

I’ve been reading a lot of SAGAU post recently, and I feel the need to throw out an idea that really doesn’t seem to have been explored all that much. Most of the time people talk about the creator being dropped back and them immediately recognised as an imposter or being summoned normally through Dragonspine or starting back in Mondstadt.

But what if they dropped back into Inazuma before the Inazuma ark, or possibly even before the events of the game take place and aren’t aware of their godly position?

Imagine living in through the horrors of the Vision Hunt Decree, the cruelty of the commissions. Being taken in by the International Trade Association because you have no papers and no clue how you got there, having them smuggle you documents using Thoma’s help, being subjected to and seeing the constant extortion and manipulation of the Kanjou commission, the passiveness of the local in their treatment of outsiders, the complete lack of care towards the treatment and the cruelty of the Vision Hunt Decree.

Of course, you’d seen it in game (possibly, maybe you hadn’t even got that far so it’s all new horrors), but to experience the discrimination in reality is a very different feeling. Naturally, being the fixer you end up getting close to Thoma and running errands for him to pay him back for everything he’s done for you and you slowly get used to your difficult life on Ritou. But that doesn’t mean it comes easily or that you can just accept the way you’re treated. At first, it’s just a shitty situation that you have no control over, but as time goes on your dreams start to become...strange.

You see snapshots of a past that isn’t your own, of pure darkness being shaped and changed. The scenes over time feel more familiar and you feel a pull to start searching more deeply in yourself, so over time you take time through meditation, the only thing you can think of to think of. It’s this self searching alongside interacting with Teyvat that unlocks your ‘constellations’ so to speak. You’re normal when you arrive, but over the months/years you unlock the abilities you had.

After enough interacting in the fields, the plants you want to help feed the your friends are so much easier to find, after helping them mine and source Crystal Marrow, it begins to become abundant whenever you try to source it. Soon you become pretty well known in the Trade Commission for your ‘good luck’ and everyone always wants you to help them that day as whenever you go blessings seem to follow, and of course the Kanjou commission notice too, and they make your life exponentially harder for it. Life is still difficult even with your newfound abilities just due to their harassment, the moment you step out of the Trade Commission you find yourself being subjected to interrogation and snide attitude from them, it’s only with Kirisu, Harrison, Thoma, and everyone else’s help that you’re able to get through the day without being hauled off by the Kanjou Commission for any number of arbitrary reason.

So how could you stay still when it came to you that the 100th Vision to be hunted was to be celebrated, and that Thoma was to be their victim? Your powers are a little stronger, you’re not fully there but perhaps strong enough to get Thoma out of there before they snatched it from him! You couldn’t bear to see Thoma lose his ambition, to even risk the possibility that he would become a shell of the amazing man he was. So, even with the International Trade Commission urging you not to for your own safety, fearful of what would happen to you, you go to the ceremony after holding Kirisu’s hands in your own and wishing him well, unbeknownst to you a blessing in itself.

You’ve never felt such anger as you did seeing Thoma bound like a criminal to be paraded to the masses, but with lightning already striking, the rain that pours with it isn’t anything new, and your body moves on its own. Disturbing Raiden Shogun’s power through Teyvat itself, dashing on stage and snatching up his Vision. The guards that step forward to stop you find the wood below their feet gives way, and the rope holding Thoma prisoner crumbles in seconds. Her glare is terrifying, but you can’t help but scream at her, all the thoughts you’d been holding in all this time, about her selfishness, how egocentric she is, that she’d rather find her damn blessed eternity through the suffering of her people than put in effort into an eternity that can embrace everyone as they are.

Her stare is chilling, for her this isn’t just about eternity, in her eyes, those that wield Visions are part of the reason the Divine Creator still sleeps, those Visions are born from their power, they shared it with Teyvat in the first place. Giving it back to Teyvat may bring them back. How dare you speak against her, how dare you belittle their Creator with your foul mouth!

The skies rumble even more, low and ominous as you glare right back despite shaking where you stand.

“If this so called Creator is happy to regain life from the destruction of their people’s ambitions, then they deserve no worship.”

That’s what set them off, even the residents gasp in shock at your spiteful words. The Tenryou Commission move to capture you, but not before you curse her out for her actions, and the two Commissions for their corruption. Of course Teyvat will do everything it can to stop th from taking you, you somehow escape with Thoma, and when you’re finally away you become overwhelmed by emotions. The anger at the unjustness of it all, the fear of facing the Archon alone and the realisation you could’ve died, the frustration of their offence when speaking of their Creator, how could they all just stand back and watch this happen to their own yet be so disgusted by a few words?!

And that’s when your tears overflow. You cling to Thoma and sob that you’re sorry you were late, that he had to go through that, that he should never have had to. He comforts you of course, laughing tiredly as he tries to put on a brave face, he’ll be ok, he says. He’ll go into hiding. But his words stop when he pulls you away to look into your eyes, his goal of advising you on what to do next lost. Your tears shine. They glimmer like liquid stars. You hadn’t even noticed that your later constallations unlocked physical attributes, the one you only just unlock through saving Thoma and the surge of power that came with those feelings the first to alter you physically.

And of course he knows. The legends of the Divine Creator and known throughout Teyvat, told as bedtime stories to children, so well known that the story in its entirety is hardly ever told, it doesn’t need to be.

And the glimmering tears the Creator shed became the oceans and streams, the light reaching the skies, etching their glow into the blanket of darkness their sun didn’t reach.

He drops to his knees in front of you immediately, he was already indebted to you for saving his life, but to know the Divine Creator themselves walked the earth and protected him, he can barely even register it.

You should go and join the resistance, even with the Yashiro’s relationships with them, he can’t leave the Divine Creator to make the journey to Watatsumi Island alone.

Honestly I have no idea where I was going with this, but maybe they join the resistance keeping their true identity a secret after Thoma tells them the legend, maybe they become aware after unlocking so many constellations. Do they stay on Watatsumi Island, or do they raise a new island from the ocean when they’re strong enough to, just outside the borders of Inazuma’s storms so they can all live peacefully in their cult, welcoming all Vision bearers and refugees with open arms while their resentment for Inazuma begins to affect the nation? Or do they choose benevolence?

[absurdist-shitpost]

Seen a lot of arguments about whether or not it was in character for c!Tommy to attempt to reach out to c!Dream in the finale, but not a lot about how OOC it felt for Dream to respond the way he did?

Like. I’m upset about how Tommy’s character was handled for a variety of reasons but judging the stream purely by ‘do the characters act in ways that feel realistic based on how they’ve previously been characterized’ I actually think c!Dream was done far dirtier.

C!Dream is genuinely one of my favorite characters. He makes for a terrifying villain while also feeling deeply human, (and I really don’t think we needed a sympathetic flashback to further humanize him, but that’s a different topic) he’s cruel and controlling and deeply self-centered, but at the same time he craves connection to others while refusing to admit to feeling any sort of attachment out of fear.

C!Dream has always struck me as a character Deeply Afraid of vulnerability. Deeply afraid of Losing Control. I’ve seen posts floating around about how Dream’s planning relies much more heavily on improvisation and luck then he admits, and this is for a reason! Dream doesn’t want to say that he messed up, or that something went wrong, instead he’d much rather say that he was sabotaged (usually by c!tommy) or that This Was Totally the Plan All Along Guys.

It makes perfect sense for Dream to act like this! He was always a competitive and prideful person, even before Shit Got Bad, so when he (and the server more broadly) started taking things farther and farther, committing acts that he likely would have considered Too Far in the past, he responded by by digging his heals in. Because This Was Totally the Plan All Along Guys. If nothing else, c!Dream is a goddamn master of Committing To The Bit.

It’s what gives his character it’s tragedy. Because he would truly be happier just hanging out with his friends. But in the end, /he’s/ the one who cuts them off, not because of anything Tommy or anyone else did, but because he was scared that keeping them around would make him vulnerable. He becomes so blinded by his stubborn attachment (heh) to his own plans and power and this idea of godhood that not only does he ruin the lives of those around him, he ruins his /own/ life too.

And you’re telling me. That Dream, the same Dream that has tortured and abused multiple people, who has gotten /himself/ tortured and jailed, who cut off his friendships, ruined his own reputation on purpose and literally /died/ multiple times all in service of a plan that /he could’ve abandoned himself at multiple points/, That Dream, suddenly decides he gonna call it all off after a 15 minute conversation? Really?

And to be clear, I’m not saying that it feels unrealistic for Dream to regret his actions. In fact, I think it’s likely a part of him has regretted them since he started doing them. But Dream’s reaction to things going wrong has always been to either deflect or dig his heels in. To convince himself that it’s worth it. And above all, to never show Anyone that regret, because that would mean being vulnerable.

C!Tommy ‘understanding his motives’ wouldn’t make c!Dream happy or willing to listen to him, in fact it feels more in line with his character for him to be deeply angered and disturbed by this. There’s no way I can believe that c!Dream would want anyone, much less c!tommy, seeing what he likely considers to be deeply personal memories. C!Dream may want to be understood deep down, but that desire is overwhelmed by his crushing fear of being known. It’s why he cut off c!george and c!Sapnap in the first place, and why he’s dodgy in acknowledging c!Punz as more than just an ally. To c!dream, being understood means being hurt. It means giving someone else control over you.

And maybe c!Dream could overcome this, could realize he was only hurting himself and everyone around him, could realize that /this wasn’t really what he wanted/ but not in 15 goddamn minutes. Not when, from his perspective, his plan had finally come to fruition and he was in a position to obtain Goddamn Immortality. The Only Reason c!Dream was written to have such a quick turn around was because cc!Dream wanted to soften his character at the last second, despite his entire arc before this being built on him essentially sunk-cost-fallacying himself into self destructing and dragging everyone down with him.

Justice for c!Dream. In my heart of hearts you died drunk on your own hubris attempting to become an immortal death god.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

180 degrees longitude passes through us - Episode 8 (The Final)

Or how I call it: 180 ways of feeling pain...

The finale probably left us all somewhat disturbed, sad, in despair, or even dissatisfied. I, for example, still wonder where exactly the catharsis is supposed to be that was talked about beforehand. In parts, I can see it in Wang. After venting out his pain, anger and sadness, he can now look forward. He is aware that time is on his side. And at the same time, that's one of the most desperate statements I've ever heard. However, as the daughter of a toxic father, I can understand him so well. Sometimes you learn very late in life what you really want and that you should be in charge of your own life. Some people can live this out and others are prevented by social norms or other circumstances from living their own lives. It took me a long time to understand that I was not born to fulfill someone else's demands or expectations. Wang understood this at 22, but still he is trapped in this world. He can't leave Mol because he is trapped by her and can't escape her (yet). Wang has grown up with her, has assimilated her manipulations and the feelings of guilt live very actively in him.

In - a broken character. In was my heart bearer throughout the entire journey. I have seen many posts where he is hated for not responding, for lethargically accepting everything and yes that is frustrating, but even though people can change, it often does not happen overnight. It is a process. In is locked in his own thought prison. He has his internalised homophobia; he hates himself for the wounds he did to Mol and Wang and especially Siam. The guilt is really eating away at him. It has been drilled into him that his love is wrong and not normal. So much that at one point he believed it himself. He couldn't open up to Siam, whom he certainly loved more than anything, and can't change for or because of Wang. He grew up in a generation that was not as open to homosexuality as today's. You see this over and over again in the character of Mol. Her views are outdated and conservative. And you have to remember, In is her generation.

He lives love in theory. He has understood it in theory, but cannot see beyond thinking about it philosophically. But what is the use of love in thought? So In remains lonely. Not able to articulate his feelings for Wang and that, although he otherwise knows something to say about everything. But as before, when he has revealed too much of himself or let Wang get too close, he falls silent. Not only does his mouth go silent, it's as if his entire body falls silent. It becomes incredibly clear how he is trapped in his mind, almost punishing himself for being so close to Wang. A life of self-flagellation. The secluded life he leads is also a form of self-punishment. I find it hard to believe that he has ever felt physical and emotional closeness to anyone. He learned early on that his love is a danger, to himself but even more so to others. His love or love for him brings pain. So he closed himself off to it and that belief is so deeply ingrained in him. Wang may have shown him that he is loved, that he is desired, but on the other shoulder sat Mol with her views and confirmed In in his thinking that he is wrong, that he is not normal and that he is to blame for Siam dying and Wang no longer having a father and her not being able to experience a happy love. In is a deeply desperate character and I feel for him. I don't hate him and the ending came as no surprise. His inability to act or love and forgive himself was made clear early on. I would have liked a better ending for him. I would have at least hoped for him to cross that fucking bridge. If not with Wang waiting at the other end, then at least alone, as a kind of forgiveness and the beginning of healing and self-love. But we were denied that, because that's not how it works most of the time. People remain in their cages, trapped in their spirals of thought and hurt, unable to see beyond their own wounds. And that is human. Wang has made it abundantly clear that there will be no chance for In. He will never be able to talk about his feelings, because to articulate his feelings is to make them real. If you don't articulate something, it doesn't become true. He didn't even express that Siam was in love with him. He could not express it, because then he would not have been able to hide from the truth of those words. However, because of Wang, this illusion was shattered. You saw it in episode 7, how much it took his breath away when Wang spoke the truth, put it on the table like an open wound. If In had spoken out how he felt about Wang, he wouldn't have been able to go back to his little prison. The truth would be out there and his heart would be present as an open wound for all to see. Only by not expressing it he can protect himself and in his mind also Wang. Because as mentioned before, nothing good comes from his love, only sorrow and pain and he can't do that to Wang. Just as he could not do it to Siam without understanding that his love could have been the healing, but that is not the path In has chosen. He has chosen to believe that his love is evil.

Mol. I can't find anything good about her character. Is she a good mother? I think she thinks so. She thinks she is doing everything for her son and knows what is best for him. She projects so much of her feelings and desires onto Wang, which she associates with Siam. Is her love not enough? Can't she be enough for Wang? Why does it have to be In, of all people? Wang is the image of his father. In was overwhelmed by this fact and was once again driven into an emotional spiral of self-loathing and despair. What should Mol do then? She loved Siam and became desperate at his rejection of her. On the one hand, she gave Wang away, pushed him aside, and on the other hand, she made him so dependent on herself and her opinion that he could not get away from her emotionally. Even his brief rebellion she stamps down by making him feel guilty. Alone, Wang cannot win the battle against her. I'm not saying she did everything with full consciousness. Toxic and narcissistic people sometimes act intuitively. They know what buttons to push to get the best result for themselves. Toxic parents do not see their behavior as bad or wrong, because they only see their own point of view. They cannot put themselves in their children's shoes. They are not aware that they are causing pain through their behavior. They also don't realize that this behavior can lead to a rupture in the end until it is too late. And then they themselves are not to blame, because they always wanted only the best for their child. The child is ungrateful or has changed negatively. And Mol has not shown a bit of change during the whole time. Her views towards homosexuals have not changed just because her son is gay. She continues to think In is disgusting. She did give Wang a hug when he broke down, but even that didn't feel right to me. As an emotionally unavailable mother with narcissistic tendencies, she is there when her son is in pain, but not when he tells her he is in love. She can only be there for him when he is sad, when he needs her. If he is happy, there is a danger that he will drift away, that he might leave her. Her greatest fear. But if he is hurt, then she feels needed. Then she can give him the closeness he wants so much. The fact that she is so negative towards his love for In leaves a bitter taste in my mouth in this scene, because she has won. Wang has come to her to cry by her side, to sleep in her bed and not with In. She emerges from the ring as the winner at the expense of everyone else.

I would have so much liked to see a real conversation between the two. One in which Mol at least takes the first step to change her view. Instead, the next day we see the same excited person she was before. She walks the same path as she did before. She simply ignores the giant pink elephant in the room. Ignorance is her greatest strength. Because again, if you don't talk about it, it's no longer true. If you don't accept it, it's not true. Still, the relationship between her and Wang has changed. She may continue to pretend they are a sworn team, she the cool mom and he the obedient son, but Wang is now just waiting until an opportunity presents itself for him to escape her clutches. In was not the way, but time is on Wang's side, his time will come. And Mol will not change. As long as she tries to compare Wang to Siam and lock him up so he won't run away from her, she can't find healing. It's not just that she hasn't gotten over Siam's death, she hasn't gotten over being rejected by him, that her love wasn't accepted. Her love was not enough. And I don't think she can find that healing without professional help. But for that, she would first have to recognize and realize that her actions are unhealthy for herself and for others. And toxic parents with narcissistic dispositions rarely do that. She will not be able to put her past behind her by trying to ignore and repress everything. But that is her path. And on this path, in the end, there is no more room for Wang. She will realize that sooner or later, but then it will be too late and she will be all alone.

Wang. My brave little Wang. He is fighting a desperate battle to be heard. His time will come. But when? When Mol is dead? Can his chains be broken sooner? Until he is ready to break with Mol and escape the cycle of guilt so as not to end up like In, he will remain locked up in Bangkok, by Mol's side. Of course, he goes into the rest of his life with different attitudes than In. Wang has accepted the fact that he loves men and sees it as normal. Something that In cannot do. Wang articulates his needs, he makes things real by expressing them, and he is not afraid to do so. And yet, he is not free. He goes back to Bangkok together with Mol and he doesn't know when he will leave this city again. This is the most desperate thing of the whole series. It lived on Wang dreaming of traveling from north to south, experiencing something, leaving his realms, and yet he's stuck there. So when can Wang be free? In his mind, he already is. And yet his mother's watchful hand hovers over him. Growing up with such a person shapes you. It is indeed realistic for him to return with her and stay with her. One feels responsible for the other person, for their happiness and peace of mind. At least until you realize that you are not responsible for it, that the person only has it in his own hands. Shit, it took me so many years to understand that I'm not responsible for other people's happiness if it means giving myself up in the process. And even then, the process of cutting the cord is far from done. Understanding it still doesn't mean that you can escape the spiral of guilt so easily.

Mol, not realizing that her actions will do more harm than good, will not change. Wang will be permanently hurt by her. And in the end, it's up to him to decide what his relationship with his mother will be. I just hope that he will not stop listening to his intuition. While the older generation try to undermine their intuition and ignore everything that could be, not to speak it out, so not to let it come true, Wang wanted nothing more than to do exactly that. But every fighter has his limits. I hope Mol doesn't destroy Wang further on his way to his true self. Even if Wang is strong, everyone can only take a certain amount of hits before going down. Yes, you have to bleed before it gets better, because you're constantly learning and falling flat on your face, but that doesn't just apply to the younger generation. I can now talk to my father about his toxic behavior. That doesn't mean he'll change it, because it's too ingrained in him, but he understands better that I too have needs and can be hurt by words or actions. I think that's an improvement already. The ending of the series, on the other hand, is so unsatisfying. It makes it seem like there is no hope. Wang can't be free until his mother is dead or he cuts her off so she can no longer imprison him. In will never be free because his wounds are too deep and can't be healed nor does he want to. Mol will not change and will continue to suppress everything that does not suit her.

As mentioned at the beginning, I am still looking for the catharsis.

Realistic or not. The end is devastating and for me so negatively drawn, even if Wang will get over In. For me, that was not the point of this story either. It's the struggle to be yourself, to love freely, to be understood, to be forgiven, to be loved. At least that's what I thought. In the end I remain hopeless.

What remains at the bitter end? I give you the world.

In gives Wang the book on the philosophical theory of love. It is a part of him. The philosophy, the theoretical love, these are parts of In that he will give to Wang (I really had the unrealistic idea for a brief moment that he's going to say bring it back to me when you're done reading, but well....). The book represents the most emotional part of In. He loves philosophy and that is something that will bond the two of them forever.

Wang, on the other hand, gives him the world. If he can't leave his own prison, he should at least be able to hold the world in his hands and dream about it. And that is something that Wang loves more than anything. Not only this little globe in particular as a gift from his father, but also the freedom it embodies. It is Wang's most emotional possession. It is his heart that he leaves with In and at the same time it is a connection to Siam. Since Wang has found his father within himself on this journey, he can pass it on without remorse, and now In has something to remind him of the two big loves of his life.

[uuujeewriting]

should have [xiao oneshot]

tw: mentions of self harm and suicide, mental health issues and angst with a bit of fluff

xiao x gn! reader

a/n: first post on the blog! decided to show some xiao love and u h angst ehe. sorry for the downer but i haven’t been doing so well and meds don’t do much DDDX

i would like to clarify that if any of these scenarios/hc's of mine are similar to other writers' works, it is unintentional and i apologize

“reckless thing, you are-” the yaksha huffs and ceases his own words as he coughs at your impact on his chest. “how many times have i reminded you to stop running up or down the stairs?” he scowls. you know he means well.

“ah, sorry xiao,” you chuckle, “i’m just excited to see you, is all.” you push yourself off the chest that caught you and peered gleefully at the male. he seems annoyed to the unknowing mortals passing by, but as a person who has spent half their time ‘pestering’ (as he says) the adeptus, you can quickly tell that he was merely relieved and was trying to hide it—although he’d rather deal with karmic debt twice his own than to admit such fondness for you. “thanks by the way.”

xiao diverts his gaze onto the railing of the stairs, “this is the fourth time this week that you’ve gotten yourself into dangerous and careless situations. are you sure you’re keeping an eye out for yourself?” he interrogates you as if he were your guardian, which he might as well be, you nod earnestly at his question.

“don’t worry about me, i’d never dream of leaving you alone.” you giggle. this answer of yours urged the adeptus to cringe and tell you to stop thinking like you’re all important and whatnot, but he knew he’d be lying if he said you weren’t someone he treasures deeply. “i swear on it!” you add.

“hmph, fine.” he begins to walk away, stopping for a second. xiao hesitates to take the next step without a word and decides to leave you with a message,

“if you ever find yourself in trouble, no matter how small or big–if you know that it’ll cause you any harm, call out my name. i’ll be there.”

you appreciated that.

to be fair, xiao did not bring up his concern because of your recent recklessness, but how dim you seem in comparison to how you were before. yes, you still smiled brightly, but the lanterns in the sky easily outshines you. your eyes still held warmth, but warmth that fleeted every now and then if not focused on the adeptus’. he worried that something was gnawing at the back of your mind and causing said recklessness as of current. 

he knows mortals are weak, fragile, and although he does not look down on you too much, he still feels the need to protect you from even the slightest of disturbances, which is what led to his conclusion now; to check up on you.

‘where in teyvat are they?’ xiao furrows his eyebrows in frustration as he knocks on the door to your house for the sixth time.as he reaches out to knock once more, he flinches slightly when the door opens.

what the hell?

“oh! xiao, what are you doing here?” you smile. 

he could see how distressed you are, even from a mile away, he presumes. you look weaker, thinner and definitely worse than three days ago. eyes as dull as a blank canvas that hasn’t been acknowledged by it’s artist for years, limbs as frail as a dried flower’s petals. what in archons happened to you?

“y/n, what in the seven happened? what’s with your weak physique? you clearly haven’t been taking care of yourself.” he moves to grab your arm but you draw it back quickly before he could catch it. he grows more and more irritated as your silence greets his question, left to be unanswered.

“i’m sorry, xiao, but could you leave me be for a while? i’ll visit you soon, i promise!” 

ah, there you go again with your promises.

“why the hell would i leave after seeing you on the brink of fainting? someone has to look out for you if you aren’t going to yourself!” he exclaims as he grows more and more livid by the second. 

you huff in annoyance, “why do you care? you have millions of other people to save, you shouldn’t get distracted by one you can’t do anything about.” 

xiao clicks his tongue in extreme disappointment as he doesn’t seem to get through you. “you don’t get it at all, do you?” 

“you don’t get it either, xiao.”

silence envelops the air between you as you bask in infuriatingly awkward stillness. xiao knows he doesn’t get it, you know you’ll never understand him either. it’s hopeless.

after a few minutes or what felt like a decade, you speak up. 

“..hey, can you accompany me somewhere?” you catch his attention. he raises a brow in skepticism, as it is the middle of the night. “it won’t take long.”

he sighs quietly and nods, nudging his head to silently signal you to lead the way. he might as well accompany you instead of going off on a tangent about how you worry him too much.

you arrive at the windrise tree, the breeze nipping gently at your exposed legs. xiao eyes you from behind and bites his tongue despite his urge to berate you.

you sit down at the base of the windrise tree, letting out a long sigh of relief as you stretch your legs. the adeptus hesitates for a second but ultimately decides to sit down beside you.

this time, he’s the first to break the ice.

“what is your purpose of going here with me?” he doesn’t meet your eyes that snap to him quickly at his question. 

there are multiple reasons as to why you might have wanted to visit windrise, some being that you wanted to take a breather after a heated argument, taking a stroll after an exhausting week or even just needing a fresh scenery for a change. all of these reasons and yet, nothing could have prepared him for the words that came next.

“it could be the last time i’ll see this place again.” you smile fondly, despite the rather depressing statement you had just made. 

the yaksha froze up. ‘last time? are you moving?’

could it be that you’re leaving him? when you said you never dared to even think of it?

perhaps the fatui were after you?

were you in danger?

his mind listed a myriad of possibilities, all of them he wished were not true. he was still trying to wrap his head around what you just said. when you finally take into account his stiffness and silence, you forced out a chuckle. 

“yeah, i’ll be gone by tomorrow.”

he shouldn’t have done what he did next.

“..xiao? are you-”

he cut you off by standing up and glaring at you.

your heart dropped at his gaze.

it was one of the most intimidating but hurtful looks he’d ever made in your presence. his eyes screamed in unsaid fury and his face was etched in borderline offense. looking down. you see both his fists clenched in a tight grip of nothing. his form was trembling in anger, almost making you mistake yourself for one of the millions of demonic figures he rinsed the land of. 

“don’t ever show yourself again.”

noted. and he’s gone.

you stare at your scarred arms and wrists. 

‘it won’t be long now.’

xiao regrets it now, is all.

[skelezomperman]

An apology about comments made about Three Houses users on Tumblr

Hello,

I never use this platform to post, however I have decided to make a post to apologize about a comment that I made about a certain sector of the Three Houses community on Tumblr and a message I made towards a different user. I will not name those people directly to preserve their anonymity, however I have decided to post on Tumblr in case anyone cannot see my apology on Reddit.

To summarize briefly, on Monday August 15th I made a message to a user on Tumblr whom I had never interacted with beforehand. I was angered by some of the behavior that I have seen occur in the Three Houses community, especially a harassment incidents that I saw, and I wanted to try to do something to change it. I messaged that user because I found in particular a concerning trend that a specific 3H fanfic kept getting criticized, and I perceived it as obsessive. I thought it would be easy to reach out and try to form dialogue especially compared to reaching out to certain other users who have done much worse. However, I at the time I recognized that it could have been perceived in a harsher tone, and in retrospect I should not have sent a random message out like that.

Secondly, on Reddit I vented about the entire harassment situation, especially since I had initially made a vent post on Discord about it that was met with an angry wall of text talking about how a specific incident “wasn’t harassment” and that the person harmed by it was victimizing themselves. My frustrations were with all the sides, but I ended up saying “weird Tumblr people.” While I did not intend to characterize anyone as “weird” and meant that their behavior was “weird,” I recognize that it was perceived as denigrating people and that was wrong.

In summation, I extend a heartfelt apology to anyone who has felt harmed by that message or by my comments. I acknowledge that “weird Tumblr people” was a poor choice of words and I acknowledge that contacting someone that I had never met before was a poor way to try to mend over things. I also apologize for speaking authoritatively as if I had all the context on this when I do not. That was a poor choice too.

I would like to conclude by clarifying two things. Firstly, I did this in my personal capacity, not as a moderator of the Fire Emblem subreddit. I wish for you to extend all your ire on me rather than on my colleagues who do a tremendous job. Secondly, I did not intend to take a side in the Three Houses fandom. I do not associate with any character-specific subreddits. I also do not condone the behavior I have seen from specific sub-communities on Reddit, and I find the behavior of some users from said communities to be deeply disturbing.

I hope that this is sufficient explanation, and I ask you to please forgive me for my words and my actions. However, if you still want to talk further, I ask that you attempt to contact me at skelezomperman@gmail.com so I can handle any inquiries there.

Sincerely, Skele

[ficbrish]

Weekend Chapter 2

“The Chapter with all the Oral” [AO3 Link]

Rating: Explicit, 18+ only

Tags: During Canon, Mass Effect 2, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Pre-Suicide Mission (Mass Effect), Biotic Shepard (Mass Effect), Colonist (Mass Effect), War Hero (Mass Effect), Sentinel (Mass Effect), Paragade (Mass Effect), POV Alternating, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Shameless Smut, Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Some Humor, Reunion Sex, Dom Kaidan Alenko, Light Dom/sub, Mutual Pining, Grief/Mourning, Misuse of Biotics, Rough Sex, Kissing, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Masturbation, Shower Sex, Choking, Dorks in Love, I Will Go Down With This Ship

[[TW/CW: Very brief mentions of alcohol, chronic pain, grief]]

[Previous Chapter]

[All Chapters]

Commander Kaidan Alenko woke up with former Commander Estrella Shepard in his bed. His dream had followed him into the daylight.

Her face glowed near his in the dark of the early artificial dawn. Her purple hair messily covered it, falling gently across closed eyelids and rising and falling with the flow of her breathing. Shepard was alive, and in his bed. His throat tightened as he moved her hair out of her face with scared hands. She was sleeping hard and didn’t respond. Determined that no one would disturb them, he carefully detangled his body from hers and went about sending his messages.

Kaidan didn’t like to use his migraines as convenient excuses, but, well, they were convenient. He felt even worse faking one, but it was the only guarantee they'd be left alone. And the Alliance... He looked back over at Shepard. The Alliance had a price on her head. But all he had to do was type the “M” word and no one would dare come near this part of the building. It helped that he’d gained a bit of reputation for being a grumpy bitch these last two years. Who knew grief and chronic pain would be of use one day?

Panic started to well up as those two years shoved themselves into focus. He finally started to feel better before she showed up in front of him on Horizon, covered in smoke and guts like she’d just fought her way through the underworld. She'd saved his life that day. Again.

If that’s really her in your bed, opening up old wounds and sucking out the poisons.

But so what if this was the world’s most complex honeypot? He was exhausted from not getting what he wanted.

Because if this is the world’s most complex honeypot, it’ll break you, and the bad guys will have won in the most deeply personal way.

“Ah.” Kaidan was so used to being alone he didn’t realize he’d vocalized that syllable out loud.

He looked back at her, but she was still very, very out. She must never sleep. He frowned. Of course they don’t take care of her over there at the Cerb-Reich.

He felt an intense blend of peace and anger as he looked at her. She didn’t deserve any of this.

And he was so happy she was here that he couldn’t feel his feet.

He started picking up the clothes they'd discarded the night before and hung them neatly over a chair. Normally he made sure they went into the laundry right away, but he didn’t know what to do with hers, and he wouldn’t dare put his in the same pile as his others when these were soaked in the scent of her. Kaidan sighed. He was very lonely.

He finished cleaning up, responded to urgent messages from the night before, and brushed his teeth. Did she have a toothbrush? He didn’t see her carry anything with her last night. He made a note in his head to message for one once he got a hold of his datapad.

The person in the mirror was someone he hadn’t seen for a while.

Shepard was still asleep when he walked back into the room. He sent out an internal requisition for a toothbrush and some food, hoping whoever fulfilled it was good at keeping their mouth shut. Then he filled two fresh glasses with some water in the kitchenette sink.

He heard the rustling of covers and turned. Her eyes bore into his from across the room.

“Morning,” she said and yawned. Her hair fell messily over her face again.

It was rare for Shepard to wake up so aware, but she felt like shit anyway and it was clear in her expression.

“Can I get you anything?”

Batarian whiskey.

“Water, please.”

He cheerfully gestured to the cups in his hands and handed one to her. They both sat on the bed and drank deeply.

Shepard wanted to kiss him the way she would those mornings together after Saren, but even with last night, there was so much distance between them that it felt inappropriate. She’d been gone for so long, and so much had changed.

“Commander now, huh?” she began.

He actually blushed. 

“Tell me, Commander,” she continued, “How did you manage to reach my rank?”

"If I recall, Staff Commander is a little higher than Lieutenant Commander," he teased happily.

"You're not gonna make me salute you now, are you?"

"Oh, I'll make you do plenty other things instead."

She raised her eyebrow, "Just answer my question, sir."

“Well after you… after you died,” the word ran his throat dry, he cleared it, “you left a few holes in the world. And what can I say? I love filling your holes.”

She laughed, and he watched her. The sound and sight of it transported him to a happier time.

“At ease, Commander,” Shepard teased, noticing the way his boxer-briefs stretched with a hard lump under them.

"Staff Commander," she corrected as she continued to stare.

Kaidan followed her eyesight and laughed when he saw himself.

“I thought maybe it was gonna fall off after last night.”

“I think it looks like it has some unfinished business,” she said. She was laying propped up on her side, and the sheet had fallen to rest along her hip.

Kaidan shrugged, “He’s not usually a busy guy.”

“What a shame,” she said scooting closer to him. Kaidan swallowed nervously as he watched her breasts shake with the movement. His heart was racing.

She took one of his hands and nuzzled her face into it. An impulse overtook her, and she kissed and caressed his wonderful palm before being able to let it go. Her face was so close to his erection when she suddenly looked up at him with something he wouldn’t allow himself to call “love”.

“Can I see it?” she asked, even though she could already see every detail in the clear outline. He ran his fingers through her hair, and it felt so good she closed her eyes. He tugged once, and she opened them again at the tingling to see his gaze shoot through her.

“Only because I like you,” he consented.

She pulled down the front of his underwear slowly with both hands. He really enjoyed the way her face lit up as she took in the sight of him.

“Alenko! They make toys that look like this.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you—I model part time now.”

They both laughed. He stopped when he saw her bite her lip. She wanted to touch him so badly. It was visibly throbbing, bouncing against the tick of his heartbeat, and wetness had pooled at its tip. It was the only physical evidence that betrayed his calm.

“It looks like it hurts,” she said. “Can I help?”

“Oh, it doesn’t hurt,” he responded, “but it could feel a whole lot better.”

Shepard grabbed him by the shaft with one hand and brushed very slightly with her mouth against the softer skin, wetting her lips with his drip. Her other hand hungrily roamed his hard torso. He'd gained more muscle in those years without her.

Kaidan threw his head back as a moan escaped him, and he pulled her hair until it almost hurt.

“You make my knees too weak to stand when you do that, Shepard,” he admitted.

“Come over here and sit down then, darling,” she said, patting a spot by the pillows.

He sat down, and she tapped his legs indicating for him to put his knees up. The look on his face was eager and curious. She crouched down, her ass in the air and her head between his legs. Then she went to work.

She started with one long lick from his scrotum to the tip, and then put the whole thing in her mouth.

The way Kaidan wiggled and twitched under her made her ache. She felt the chilly air on her thighs from the hot wetness sticking between them. The sound of her soaked sucking aggressively filled the room and he moaned freely under it for a blissful while.

“Turn over,” he told her on an impulse.

She was confused, but Shepard stopped, wiped her face on the blanket, and complied. She thought he was going to finish on her face or something, but instead he hooked his elbows under her hips and lifted her upside-down. Her head was between his legs, and his between hers. This new position also freed up his hands.

“May I join you?” he asked, dangling her so effortlessly she felt weightless.

He felt her hair brush between his thighs in response.

“Are you nodding your head?” he asked, trying to see past her bottom.

“Oh, sorry. Yes please!” came her consent between his legs. She put her mouth back on him, and he pressed his face longingly into her crotch. Balancing her on his arms, he explored her curves and crevices with his hands.

She stopped for a moment and he heard her say, “Put your fingers in me.”

He obeyed, and even though it wasn’t easy like this, his hands were big and his fingers long.

“Deeper,” she begged as she bucked with an intensity that was hard to balance. This position was no longer working, but he had a better idea. He stopped.

“More,” she moaned.

“You’ve got to earn it,” he said, “Fuck me with your throat.”

He put her down tenderly, protective of her neck and careful not to lean on her hair. Then they switched places so she was sitting in his spot against the pillows, and he was kneeling over her at an angle. She had complete control of the movement, guiding his thrusts with her hands on his ass. Hers was nicer, but his was really great too.

He was overwhelmed by the way she took him fast and deep inside her face. He loved seeing her charm and inspire and dominate powerful people, knowing she used that same mouth to—

“I’m gonna cum, Shepard.”

She gave a thumb’s up that she heard him, and kept going, so excited to taste him again.

It happened with such force that she felt it hit the back of her throat, and almost coughed, but her pride wouldn’t let her.

He pulled out and kissed her, tasting himself in her mouth and swallowing whatever she hadn’t already. He loved tasting himself on her, it made him feel like she was really his even though they’d never had the chance to say it.

“Did I earn it?” she asked.

“Let’s see,” he said, kissing her some more before flipping her on her stomach. She loved the way he just tossed her around.

He positioned her ass in the air in front of him, then utilized his fingers in a way that was impossible before. No one’s hands felt like his. Shepard rocked back into them so hard he had to lock his wrists as if he was punching someone.

“More,” she begged.

His dick was ready again, and it was considerably thicker. He pressed it against her, “Do you want this?”

“I want this.”

It was as recent as the night before, but she’d forgotten how good he felt inside of her. It wasn’t just the fucking, it was the same magic she felt when they kissed or held hands.

She screamed with the joyful shock of it to her sad, sad system.

He was so deep, but she wanted him to tear her in half.

“Deeper.”

He lifted one of her legs up, adjusted his angle, and thrust further, even with her already flush against him.

“Fuck me so hard, Kaidan.”

He obeyed.

“Break me!” she shouted. His steady strokes made the bed shake with every clap.

“Hard, Kaidan!” she was crying out, and he was going to give her everything she wanted.

It started in small fibers throughout her being and wove into a force that turned her inside-out. An ugly, animal sound festered its way out of her, and unlike the gentle blindness of the night before, her vision was snatched and replaced by a clear grey void.

She forgot her own name.

When she remembered who she was, she felt herself crying, and heard her voice throwing around the word, “love”.

She re-learned part of her name because he shouted it as he came so deep inside her that she felt the squirt on her cervix.

It was “Shepard”.

They didn’t even touch when he rolled off her, except with the tips of their reaching fingers. They just looked at each other and laughed so hard it hurt their sides and took the last of their breath away.

*                    *                      *                       *                       *                   *

Kaidan got up to check the hallway for his earlier requests. He wanted to give Shepard a toothbrush while she was still in the bathroom, and maybe set up their breakfast before she got out. He threw on clean underwear and some sweats, walking shirtless into his office, the room between his and the hall.

When he opened the door, cold eggs and a toothbrush were placed neatly on his desk.

A note was left next to the delivery. It simply said, “Sorry,” scribbled in a nervous hand.

“Oh god,” he sighed, burying his head in his hands.

[Next Chapter]

[All Chapters]

[fenristheorem]

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this. 

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to. 

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs. 

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate.  “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead. 

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[jezy]

My Ben 10 Reboot/Grim Dawn OC-- Libra Renov! :D

Warning! Some of these parts have uncomfortable stuff, so if you don't like it. Might wanna either scroll down faster or endure it if you still wanna read it.

Libra has a lot of expertise with being a Sage of Illusions but she's also a healer and wild card in case missions go south. Which is about 50/50 percent most of the time.

She's also one of the smartest sages there is. But she sometimes focuses on the puzzles way too much so she doesn't notices anything going on around her.

Libra has a few friends but they're just a bunch of royal jerks. Except Hex, she liked him when they've met. Disa and Libra are friends too, but she trusts Hex more than anyone.

Before Libra died, she was a human with wavy chocolate brown hair with deep blue eyes and fair skin. Now, she's an aetherial with messy black charcoal hair with glowing green eyes and her skin's pale white.

She is an adopted royal, let me elaborate : Her real parents' kingdom got dethroned by another kingdom in ledgerdomain. The king and queen who has a tomboy daughter which they don't like, and resulting for said daughter to left them with no heir. So when they dethroned Libra's parents, they took toddler!Libra under their wings and taught her how to be a girly-girl princess.

At first, Libra loved it but when she grew older she became a rebellious child (in secret) and would often read her adopted father's books about magic without permission.

When she met Hex (when she first sneaked out for the first time), she realized she can be so much more than just be a useless princess in her kingdom. She could help people on the front instead of doing it behind the walls of the castle.

So ever since then, whenever she gets the chance to do something rebellious, she would do it using illusions as distraction then she helps the people in need with a disguise. (Like Robin Hood).

Her adopted parents didn't liked it obviously and were trying to figure out who would do such a thing. They still haven't found out it was her.

Libra & Hex are the "friends to lovers" couple. They're glue you can't easily separate and will hurt you if you hurt one of them.

When she found out that she's getting arranged marriage to Hex's younger brother, she didn't liked it. Yes, she knew about Hex's younger brother, Spellbinder, but she didn't liked him like that.

So when Libra & Hex became 18 years old, they eloped to Cairn and became Sages since then. They're not exactly married in legal standards, but they don't mind it one bit.

When Hex gets pissed at someone, its Libra's job to calm him down.

Since she's the only thing that stands between Hex and his anger to the whole multiverses. That is, when she died in the first cataclysmic war.

Libra deeply cares about Hex and is deeply hurt whenever Hex does something he regrets. Like, cursing his brother when Spellbinder forcefully kissed her lips.

Of course, Hex hid away from her for a few years because of the fear he'll hurt her too.

This made her depressed and longed for him, even to the point on not eating or sleeping because she misses him too much. Till Disa slaps her from her depression and yells at her to get a grip.

Libra was slightly thankful for her, even though it hurts like hell. She now learned a lesson that Hex would come back. Which he did, and Libra basically sprung out to crush him with her hug.

Libra cried rivers when Hex came back, as well as him.

After that, they now have more love to each other. Which is a blessing for the other sages since they now feared/despised Hex because of what he did.

They were peaceful, until the cataclysmic war....

Now, the cataclysmic war isn't just some war, it was a war between The Gods of Cairn and The Aetherial. (I'll probably make a post about the Aetherials and Gods of Cairn, since I can't explain everything in here)

It affected everyone even The Sages, half of the faction died including Libra. Who got trapped inside the spell of the Handmaiden Shield and burned alive by the aetherfire the aetherials had caused.

When she died, her soul got flung down deep into where the aetherials (now just spirits) had now reside. When they noticed her and found out she wasn't one of them, they tortured her for eons till they came back to take over the world. But she held it together for as long as she can take.

That was until... Theodin Marcell, The Master of Flesh, had began experimenting & reanimating the bodies of humans. He searched for test subjects (alive and/or dead) and found Libra's corpse in an ancient graveyard, and decided they will make her their most perfect masterpiece.

And so he did, first they forced Libra's soul to go into an aether crystal (a sort of physical form of aetherials). Then, he sliced open Libra's body's chest and planted the crystal inside her heart. Then he started reanimating her.

When she first came back to life, she was strapped naked in an electric chair. She tried to get out obviously until she saw Theodin Marcell coming down.

"Ah, so you're awake..."

"What do you want with me?!"

"The higher ups of the Aetherhold has accepted my request to test on you, Miss Libra Renov..."

"That still doesn't my question bastard!"

"The higher ups also want you to join our army. A special soldier, if you will."

"I'll never join you! Not after what your kind has done many eons ago!"

"Of course, I know you won't accept, so we'll do it the hard way instead..."

"Wha--" Then she screamed. Theodin had activated a switch that activated the electric chair. There were iron nails, nailed through her hands, and seemingly connected to the wires up to the switch. Making her feel the pain through her nerves system.

It hurts like hell, it felt like she was on fire. Her organs felt on fire, her brain-- Everything felt like on fire.

Theodin kept doing this to her till she threw up bile onto herself. Coughing up the remaining bile in her throat.

"Hmm, interesting, a human body can take so much of electricity before they perish. But you however, since you were blessed by the gods, you can take so much more..."

"What the hell does that mean?!"

"That means, I have to do more experiments on you. But since you just woke up, I'll let you rest. Tomorrow, we will continue, and by then... You will sooner or later become a masterpiece....."

She only glared daggers at the possessed man as she was dragged away to a cell. They threw her and pinned her down, then they chained her up against the wall to make sure she doesn't escape.

Her hands felt numb from the electrocution, her body was shivering from the cold and shaking from the electricity. Her brain felt dizzy, if she focuses too much on an area, she would throw up.

Whatever the hell Theodin has in store for her, she'll endure it. She won't break from him. She'll get out and escape as soon as she finds a way how.

Besides, how worse can it get?....

Surely it won't be too much for her? Right? She's seen disturbing things, she has the confidence that she won't break.

Oh how wrong she was...

How very wrong she was...

The next day, when she was being escorted to the experimentation room. She tried to escape.

There were many aetherial possessed soldiers and once they saw her, they started shooting at her. Unfortunately, she was hit multiple times and died.

But that wasn't the worse part, the worse part was when she started to wake up. What she saw was scarring.

Her body's opened up like some frog in a science class, she could see her organs and everything from her perspective. Bloody equipment on a table, her beating heart, and Theodin poking and putting something inside her. It was enough to make her nauseous.

"Oh? Awake already?"

She was freaking out and started to squirm a lot.

"I suggest you don't squirm, unless you want an important organ to get cut from your recklessness."

She immediately froze from his words.

"Good pet." She growled at that nickname, she was very disgusted by him.

She tried to look around for any places where she can run, or anything nearby that she can use to break out of her confinement.

But she couldn't do anything, she knows that. She can't escape and she'll just bleed out if she somehow miraculously did. She was trapped.

She had no choice but to stare at what Theodin's doing to her for hours, mortified. And when he finished stitching up the slices he made, he did one more thing.

"Oh, and since you tried to escape. A little torture will be necessary."

And so he did, by stabbing her leg unexpectedly, in which she screamed. He kept doing this to different parts of her body until she began crying and whimpering.

Her face was covered in cuts and limbs that have stabs all over them. There were a few close calls to her neck making it look like scratches.

"Oh, you're crying? That's pathetic."

"...."

"Still not answering?"

"....."

"Whatever, because of your recklessness you got shot down by our troops. So I suggest you stop being stubborn and just accept it. You can't escape. And if you do, we'll be coming after you."

Those words slowly drilled down into her brain, she tried to ignore it but couldn't. In the next few days of those horrible electrocutions and mortifying tests that include getting her shoulders dislocated in the process, she was beginning to starve.

Theodin doesn't cares though so he just ignores Libra's whimpers of starvation and continued on the experiment. Even if it means Libra gets slammed like a bruised ragdoll.

There's more, more worse than that. When Theodin realized he couldn't do more experiments on Libra due to her lack of energy. He feeds her near-expired food, by literally shoving it down her throat till she chokes on it.

She absolutely doesn't likes it and tried to escape once after that. But she got stabbed from behind her and died once more.

Everytime she tried to escape, she keeps dying. And everytime she was brought back to life, she was punished. Either it was electrocution, beating her up, stabbing her randomly, or really painful whips in the back.

Her brown hair became darker until it was charcoal black due to getting electrocuted many times, her skin was so pale that you would barely see the cuts in her face. She has spots of burns on her skin when aetherfire was shot at her, body that has stitches everywhere, and her hands was beginning to glow bright green due to prolonged exposure to electricity.

Her head hurts, a lot and her chest feels funny every time she exhausts herself.

She cries in her sleep everytime, she can't take it anymore. She is in so much pain, so much stress. That she didn't even saw the worst part that happened to her.

"Fuck you..."

"Oh my, how dirty your mouth is."

"Screw. You. I can tell whatever I want to say."

"Oh my... Don't tell me you've forgotten one of the rules of your faction... That would be very disrespectful of you."

"Wait, the rules??"

"Yes, don't you remember the faction you joined and its rules?"

"My faction? Yes, my faction!... The err... S..So...The Sorcerers!"

"You meant 'The Sages'?"

"Wait, 'Sages'??? I thought--"

"Oh don't tell me you don't remember, The Sages of Cairn? The faction you dedicated your whole life into."

"Of course I remember! Its just err..."

"You seem to have forgotten your faction."

"N-No I don't! I do remember them!"

"Oh then please, tell me all about it."

"Its..erm, ugh! Why can't I remember?!"

"So you don't remember anything? Anything in particular. Your friends, your family, even your lover?"

"I...I don't remember....." Then laughter erupted from the man, as she tried to remember.

That was the worst part, she couldn't remember anything. Her memories full of holes, fuzzy dreams with no meaning to her, and sometimes nightmares would crawl into her mind. The only thing that she held onto was her name and the name of her lover, Hex, but memories of them being together was long gone.

And soon, Theodin had managed to succumb Libra in her weakest point. Where she was easily manipulated by the aetherial....

After a couple more years of experiments, torturing, etc. She was empty both inside and out. Her eyes were dull of life, her vision (sometimes) was such a haze but she didn't really cared.

Theodin had turned the once stubborn Sage into one of his mindless (very scarred soldier) soldiers for battle.

She couldn't feel pain no longer. After what she went through, she slowly became numb to pain. Which was good for Theodin Marcell, as they now have a perfect masterpiece, ready to go and do their bidding.

But the downside is that she became a masochist so every wounds inflicted to her, was a pleasure for her instead of pain. So she had to wear a mask, so people won't find out she loved the pain on herself.

She became a Mage Hunter, a mixture of an Inquisitor and an Arcanist. She disguised herself using illusions (that she vaguely remembers) and infiltrated the barracks of The Black Legion.

She then proceeded what Theodin tells her to do, smuggle the aetherial spirits to people who are the weakess mentally and with most negative emotions.

After Malmouth had fallen she continues hunting down humans for Theodin to "make a masterpiece" out of them. That was until Hex arrived.

One day, she received a mission to protect Warden Krieg in his home. So she used a rift to get there quickly, and when she did...

She saw none other than Hex who's fighting aetherials at the moment.

She stood there staring at him, thinking about how familiar Hex is to her. Though, she didn't know it was him. Until she decided to call out for him when he was finished with killing the aetherials.

"...Hex?"

That immediately caught Hex's attention and saw Libra standing there, shock mixed with confusion.

"How do you know my name?"

"I..I don't know, but I remember someone named Hex.... I'm not sure.... I just called out to you..."

"Well people don't know my name unless--"

"I'm Libra..."

That made Hex shut up quickly and come up to her with widened eyes before hugging Libra. Her mask was quickly swept to the side as Hex kissed her.

The hug and kiss really made her feel nice and warm. Like, they've been doing this for who knows how long.

But soon, the warm feeling disappeared when he let go, "How can I know you're Libra??? She died eons ago..." He said with sadness in his voice. That was a good choice, being skeptical was a good choice.

"I don't know either.... I can't remember anything, my memories are filled with holes..."

"Can you remember maybe a little bit?"

"Well, I've been getting nightmares more recently... My dreams were always different but I think I remember burning in one of them..."

"So it really is you... What happened?"

"I'll tell you, but first, we need to go somewhere and then we can talk."

Hex only nodded and followed her to a hidden place. That was when she told him everything she remembers so far, after the end of her talking Hex looked like he was going to rip Theodin Marcell into two. Which makes her scared.

She doesn't want to lose the only warmth that she has now, she needs to protect him. That was how she betrayed the aetherials and helped Hex with his missions.

This doesn't please Theodin though....

But she doesn't care, she's obsessed with Hex's warm feeling and she doesn't want to lose it.

Even though her memories is filled with holes, Libra felt like she belongs to Hex.

And since Hex is now together with Libra again, he can help her with those hole-filled memories.

And maybe now she can slowly remember what they used to be...

Here's the current gacha design for Reboot!Hex and Libra (Since I can't draw, lel)

Hope you enjoyed it!