#because i dunno if i can handle more emotional trauma

[eatmeeraw]

never tell anyone anything ever. never tell anyone anything again.

Escapism.

summary: you’re in her friend group. you two have been close for months and you slowly fell in love with her more and more. you suspected the feeling was mutual because of how attached she was, how she behaved like you two were together, until tara began detaching and avoiding you, not showing up for you nor your friends anymore…

category: angst, hurt/comfort, fluff at the end.

warnings: swearing, idk if my writing is good sorry if it disgusts you, avoidant attachment everywhere, venting, alcohol usage, smoking, dissociation (r doubts she’s alive). portrayals might not be 100% canon. might not be completely proofread. there are mentions of tara’s trauma with amber and some behaviors she has because of it.

word count: 4,9k.

A/N: first fanfic, kinda nervous. i hope everything is okay and some people are going to like this. ethan and quinn aren’t ghostfaces in here, but the group knows they’re siblings, anika isn’t dead, and they’re all still in the friendgroup with the core four. ghostface isn’t present. tara is a bit of a emo who actually lags and denies everytime she feels emotions here. Error 404 kinda thing, but as the fanfic continues she gets better.

you are settled on the couch, your body sinking into the soft, cold, and miraculously still clean cushions, their fabric feels good against your skin, making your muscles relax. you could hear the voices of other people overlapping each other furiously, and smell the scent of alcohol, coca-cola and tobacco mix in the air.

you inhale just because you need to, you didn’t appreciate such strong smells, but you could handle it. you always handled it.

the room is large, but not too overcrowded, making the party feel a little bit less dangerous.

groups of friends are chatting around you, some people are dancing, you could catch some of the guests kissing or directly, shamelessly, making out, the sounds of their lips meeting, their spit, and everything else almost makes you nauseous.

the dim and warm hues of the lights are hitting you and the others, and the music in the background isn’t too loud, but loud enough to set the atmosphere and make people move to the rhythm of the sweet, animated music.

you luckily aren’t alone: sam, chad, mindy, quinn and anika were around you, on the couches, making short and light conversations. not everyone in the group was in the mood for partying, like sam, who was blankly looking at the ceiling, jaw clenching sometimes. you can see especially chad go around and try to flirt with some people, entertaining himself after the disappointment he had with tara. unrequited love always hurts, and you know it all too well. he isn’t the only one disappointed.

mindy and anika are creating the conversations mostly, quinn following them and playing their game every time, ethan, instead, her brother, is extremely silent, looking around like a lost puppy who couldn’t understand how to have fun. he always has been so weirdly shy.

you are lost in your thoughts, until anika talks again. « oh! have y’all seen tara? sam, any news? » before tara’s older sister could talk, chad opened his mouth. « she didn’t even show up tonight…weird. » « yeah, she hasn’t been around lately. didn’t even text back these days. i sent her a message about tonight’s party and she left me on seen…rude » mindy explains, looking at the ground, crossing her arms. you can hear a hint of anxiety in her voice.

« i mean, she has been through a lot- » ethan talks, surprisingly, but his sister interrupts him. « it’s not like her to disappear like that, but…i dunno. » she shrugs, now fidgeting with her fingers, suddenly serious again.

you drown in your bitter thoughts again, as you hear the others talk. their sentences a echo in the room of your fears and your indescribable confusion, making you feel slightly hazy even though no alcohol is flowing in your veins.

« y/n? » quinn calls for you, but you don’t reply, completely zoned out. « y/n… » another time, and this time you look at her, frowning as to invite her to go ahead and say what she needs to say. « when was the last time she replied to you? » she asks, and you grab your phone to check the chat. you scroll up, because ten or more messages were sent by you during those days where she fully disappeared. a worried you. a worried you that was still there, lingering, being the skeleton of your essence. « two weeks ago. »

and the question was asked to everyone else in the friend group: they all hadn’t heard from her since a week ago. they stare at you, and your breath hitches in annoyance and paranoia, as you are the center of the worst type of attention possible. you were sure it was your fault, you probably said something that made her get icky and disgusted, like always. you softly tremble in your seat as they discuss how, maybe, something was going on with you, and then sam talks, interrupting the endless, useless gossip that was gravitating in the air.

« can i talk, now? » she asks, crossing her arms tightly on her chest, head tilting slightly. ethan nods, and she continues her sentence. « she’s okay, just stressed. she’ll return. » her posture was tensed, her jaw just persistently clenched every time she’d close her mouth. you knew something was up, you knew she knew. anika sighs, and everyone nods, except you.

as the context of the conversation shifts, making the previous calmness of your friends come back, you stay there, you remain where everyone was investigating heavily on the girl you always loved.

you just felt the urge to cry: she’s so dear to you, the love you feel is like an eternal explosion, butterflies rising and falling inside your stomach, a soft hand grasping your heart: her hand. when you first started liking her, everything was smooth, like an oiled surface. the feelings were unspoken, no kiss was given, but, oh, how her eyes would sparkle every time you entered the room, every time you joined a conversation, every time you simply passed by.

her cheeks flushed, her softness being between your hands, she was malleable and weak for how much she seemed to care about you but you loved her the way she was. her hands loved to be in your hair, or on your cheeks, her fingers would perfectly interlock with yours, and her arms found comfort encircling your waist or neck.

but, still, at some point, she chose to act like you were dead, like right now.

are you dead? you aren’t sure, you can bet that your heart is beating still. you try to re-focus on your friends, whom you hear giggling in the background, giving one another the entertainment they needed in a similar party.

« so…what’s up with that guy you fucked, quinn? » mindy teases, giggling afterward, making the others gasp. quinn squints her eyes, you see it as a little detail that you actually appreciated about her. but, god, if she, sometimes, was annoying. especially when you were in tara’s apartment and you could hear continuous moans in the background while you were trying to have a normal conversation with tara, or with sam.

« huh, we text here and there…he’s fine, i guess. » she shrugs, like nothing was important, like he was just a passenger, someone that existed in her space just to satisfy her stupid needs once, and then disappeared. « no second date? you’re slippin’, quinn » chad jokes, raising an eyebrow, a hint of startle on his face. sam, instead, wasn’t surprised at all. « no. i’d say i prefer variety. »

« what a shame, anika and i were searching for a couple to go to a double date with. » mindy affirmed, anika nodded in agreement, a little pout painted on her face.

you think about how sweet it would be, to go on their double date bringing tara with you. maybe you would end up in a lousy fast food, or maybe an elegant, cozy restaurant with all her favorite dishes. you sighed, shaking your head softly as you looked around. you gazed at sam again, she was lazily scrolling through her phone, always serious and tensed up.

you get closer to her, whispering, as everyone else is distracted. « …did i do something? ». tara’s older sister looks up at you, and you see her turning off her phone as she pushes the tip of her tongue against the inside of her cheek. she takes a deep breath before replying. « no, she’s just…complicated. » she looks around almost as if she could be there, secretly listening to your conversation. « it’s not just you. give her space. »

you stare around, still disoriented, if not more than before. you decide to get up and walk towards the table that holds bottles of beer, pouring yourself a cup and tasting the bold, cold bitterness while it fills your mouth and goes down your throat, bringing you relief. you drink a little bit more before everything gets destroyed by something that you didn’t exactly expect.

you see tara, the friend group slowly walking closer to her, and you do the same thing, still holding the plastic cup, now as warm as your palm.

« hey, you made it. » her sister awkwardly says, waving a hand, and tara would just softly nod and wave her hand back. « WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? » mindy screams and tara giggles, the nervousness was clear, she was avoiding eye contact with every single person in front of her like it would be a potential danger, like it would make the plague come for her body and soul. « we thought you went full hermit mode, dude. »

« i…didn’t think so many people would come. » tara murmured, looking down. felt off, like a withered rose, a rotten fruit, a bleeding pomegranate. tara looks at you, a strange spark in her eyes. you glance at her back, hesitantly, and you feel like death isn’t so bad, suddenly. you are hoping someone would show their guns and threaten everyone to have no mercy upon them in that exact moment. but no one saves you, saviors don’t exist, you remind yourself.

« hi. » she murmurs, forcing a smile.

« hi. » you reply, showing the palm of your free hand, waving it slowly, just a lazy move. she nods and goes away, showing a lack of interest in any sort of interaction between her and the group. they remain skeptical, and you just walk away again, gulping down every single drop of the drink you had in your cup.

a hour passes. you spend it by secretly glancing at tara, or at least trying to, since every time you would set your eyes on her, she would catch the opportunity to make creepy, long-lasting eye contact with you. you hate it, you hate it because you blush, and you can’t help but feel embarrassed by the slight, useless attention she gives you with so much nonchalance. after this, she is surely not going to talk to you again, you think.

the lights that once made you comfortable inside a house you barely knew the owner of, now make you irrevocably disturbed. too intense, too blinding, they would get in the way as you tried to understand what tara was doing, but it actually wasn’t much: talking to sam, looking around, scrolling on the phone, and grabbing drinks.

nothing to see. but everything to think about: many questions would torture your mind, and make your soul beg to leave your body at once. but what did you do? what made tara so distant? is it actually you that is the problem?

you stare at her again. this time, she was talking with mindy and anika, her expression cold, blank, like emotions were nothing to her but ants she could step on and kill with no hesitancy. she shook her head at them, and then looked behind them, at you. her big, brownish eyes scan you, her lips are slightly parted and her expression always neutral, but somewhat altered by something else, looking almost dubious or...scared?

you are the one that breaks eye contact, grabbing a pack of cigarettes that was hidden in the pocket of your jeans, going out of the party, not talking to anyone anymore. you feel too dizzy, too bothered, to even function properly, to even talk to someone without crumbling in a million pieces. you feel almost miserable, too. you have been desperately chasing something that, clearly, wasn’t meant for you.

she doesn’t love you, does she? your gaze hardens as you light up a cigarette with your lighter, looking at the emptiness of the dark night sky, the stars are barely visible and it was saddening. maybe you are like that to tara, too: barely visible, and not worth squinting her eyes for.

you are just a fainting star for her and it destroys you. when are people going to figure out you exist? you breathe, you are alive, are you not? are you dead?

you put your free hand on your chest, searching, looking desperately for the beat of your heart. as you find it you exhale loudly, and your hand becomes a clenched fist.

you feel it, why doesn’t anyone else feel it, too? you grab with force your cell phone from your pocket, scrolling through your new notifications fast, not even glancing at them with great attention. chad asked where you were, mindy called you. it meant nothing. you opened tara’s chat, scrolling up, gazing at the messages you two would send each other.

you smile bitterly, as the phone lights up your face, which was wholly taken by nostalgia.

a month ago

tara 💗: can u come over rn??

you: i don’t know, are quinn and sam around?

tara 💗: no

tara 💗: please? we needa watch the movie we talked about :)

you: alrrrr, coming

memories flash in front of your eyes, her apartment and the sweet scent of hers, the popcorns, her adorable giggles that would give you a reason to exist. you inhale deeply, your lips wrapped around the cigarette, and you almost choke on it as you hear tara’s voice.

« throw that cigarette. » direct, almost mocking, and you don’t look her way, avoiding to even acknowledge the fact she is talking to you. really a coward thing to do. you exhale the smoke, and you watch it get lost in the fresh air of the night.

as you get the cigarette’s orangish butt close to your lips, you feel a hand blocking your wrist, the other grabbing the cigarette by the white casing wrapping around the burning tobacco. you watch the youngest carpenter hurl the item on the ground, putting it out by smashing the heel of her shoe against it with great force, looking at you.

« what the fuck? » you mutter, your cheeks slightly red. is it the alcohol or her presence making you react like that? her cologne was slowly dominating the scent that the cigarette was producing, filling your nostrils, your lungs. you would exhale with great hesitation, aching for the perfume you missed for days.

you, in a rush, turn off the phone, putting it inside your pocket again. your chest feels heavy, your breathing is irregular and you can’t grasp again the control you had before checking the past messages.

« smoking is bad. » tara hisses, and you raise you eyebrows, skeptical by the reaction she has. impressed also by how smoothly she came, how you didn’t notice for not even a moment someone was lurking. you reply, your voice cracking mid-sentence, making you melt in shame: « also alcohol is bad, but i saw you drink with no shame tonight. »

« you did, too. » « so if i smash my head against the wall you’re gonna do it too? »

silence.

you take a deep breath, avoiding watching her in the eyes, you just can’t. confusion is even more marked now, and you bite your lower lip trying to take some of the frustration out of you, but it lingers still, it haunts you totally.

you feel played, like a light that gets continuously turned on and off. now she shows she cares, turning on that light, but those two weeks when the light was off? what did they mean? you can ask her, you have her right in front of you, and the alcohol, somehow, makes you bold, a brave girl confronting the cause of her fears.

« why did you disappear? why was i the first you ran away from? » you question with a shaky voice, and you see her expressionless face falter, turning into something more confusing. is the spark in her eye sadness, or something else?

silence, again. for a few moments, she just watches, as if she didn’t have a voice, as if she was trying to communicate everything telepathically to you.

then, she talks.

you see her hesitate, remain with her lips parted longer than needed, and you wonder what was she trying to cover. « why do you care? i’m here now, so. » she hints a giggle, you know tara is actively trying to ease the tension, somehow. but she’s failing, because your expression hardens more, your eyebrows furrow. « are you serious? » you almost bark.

you slowly feel the anger knock at the door of your throat, wanting to come out. still, you bottled up. still, you swallowed down the loath. you force your gaze to soften. « why do i care? how do you- shit »

you take a step ahead, turning slightly towards the nothingness that is seated beside you and making your shoulders face her for a brief moment. you cover your mouth, taking a deep breath against your palm.

« you think it’s that simple? you think it’s easy to see you walk away without saying anything? you’re my friend, i thought some bad shit happened to you. » you laugh nervously, you see guilt in her eyes as you glance at her, but also…disappointment. like she expected something more.

« fuck, i even talked to sam. you know how awkward it is. » you try to change the context of the conversation as you feel a part of you beg to let the fear out, all the worries she caused, all the paranoia you felt that kept you awake at night. the insomnia, the poignant thoughts that would keep you alarmed.

tara laughs, but it sounds fake, programmed. she slowly turns serious as she sees you not even hinting a smile. « i’m sorry, okay? i just needed space. » she fidgets with the hem of her shirt, almost painfully torturing it. you can see the regret showing, but being denied by tara herself.

« for what? what did i even do? » « nothing. » you huff, befuddled by her ways, she is making you feel like you are in an unlimited limbo. you completely lose it. some tears prick your eyes, you gaze at her almost like you wanted her dead.

« you know what? fine. » you bark, and you walk away with hasty steps, the silence from her was the strongest, most hurtful sound you could feel at this moment. the only thing covering it were your heels striking furiously the ground, until you stop.

your walk gets interrupted by a hand grabbing and squeezing your shoulder, and tara is panting. maybe you walked too rapidly, until now. you gaze at her, surprised and still confused, a tesr goes down your visage. your head is clouded, the alcohol you have inside your body isn’t helping at all.

« okay, i’ll- i’ll tell you. » she says, quietly, taking a deep breath in. you frown, her hand lingers, not letting you go, going down until it reaches your forearm, the grip tightening again, fearing you’d escape, exactly like she did. « i was…scared. » « of what? »

she freezes, looking down at the asphalt beneath your feet, tapping on your shoulder obsessively, reflecting, opening her mouth before closing it again.

a sigh. « i-i mean, you started treating me so w-well and i got- it was so- i didn’t…» « sorry, i won’t do it again. » you shrug, and she squeezes your arm painfully tight. your breath hitches, and as she notices, she lets your arm go. « it’s not what i meant. i…» she swallows hard, putting a hand on her forehead.

« it’s that after what happened…» she stops, putting her hands behind her back. oh, you know it all too well. sam talked to you about it when she felt like you were close enough to them to deserve to know, more as a warning than a demonstration of closeness

she continues: « with…amber. i can’t risk again. » she hesitates before saying her name, almost as if her name was a forbidden word, a spell, a death sentence. it held weight, but she acted like she would show up if she said her name too many times. and the umpteenth confirmation is in front of you: she looks around, looking at the empty streets, checking to see if someone is watching. if amber is watching. « but i’m not amber, tara. » you remind her, crossing your arms.

« i know, but i’m scared. y-you’re so nice and she was too- you know, you know what she was doing to me while she was b-being nice. » she says one word after the other furiously, her voice shaky and unstable, cracking, and she says everything so slowly because sobs would interrupt every word in her sentence, obstacles full of emotions.

you notice tears going down her cheeks, and it makes you wonder when she started crying. you move your hands slightly, nervously, trying to not listen to the urge you have: cup her cheeks, wipe her tears. you just couldn’t, you feel like it would be too much.

« but i don’t want anyone else to hurt you » tara barely nods, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt again, her head tilted. « that’s exactly what amber used to tell me. »

you sigh, having no idea of what to do now, what to say. the young girl saves you, just by declaring something else. « besides…if you don’t kill, y-you’ll get killed. being close to me is a death sentence, really. »

« don’t say that. » you murmur, shaking your head, a shiver of pity runs through you like thunder. you hate seeing her that way. her voice is still there, but unstable. « the next one could kill you. i don’t want you to d-die. » she almost screams, holding up a hand to her neck, like she was choking on her tears. she cries, and she isn’t even able to interrupt her grief, her pointless grief that looks at the future with a negative eye. « who said there’s going to be a next one? » you ask, almost rhetorically, like it was sure the murders ended in woodsboro, and that would dare hunting down tara and sam another time.

not in my story, you think. not when there’s me. you would protect her, no matter what, and at the first suspicious murder happening close to her, you already know you would make whoever wanted to get in the way disappear, in one way or another. but you didn’t know the gravity of the situation, you never were a victim of the attacks, you have no idea how smart a ghostface killer has to be.

tara remains silent again, her silence, every time she would use it, was as bothering as a loud, earth-breaking storm.

she just sobs, and trembles, and you can’t hold back anymore. you wrap your arms around her, pulling her in a hug that you both needed, so much, and you get it, you do, because she wraps her arms around you like her life depends on it.

« it’s okay. » your lullaby of consolation makes her nod, breathing deeply between her sniffs. she tightens her grip, and you only desire to feel all of her attached to you, every limb touching yours. you feel content at the affection, but you want more, her lips looked perfect, smooth, and soft. you wondered how they would taste.

but you couldn’t fuck around and find out, not now. « i know you’re scared, but i’ll be here, okay? we’ll be fine, no matter what. just…please. please don’t run away from me again…i…i missed you, so much. » you whisper, your voice is a restless plead, and you almost break down between her arms.

« i missed you too. » « but…i’m confused, » you finally confess. she looks at you, waiting patiently for you to add context, something that can help her understand what struggle you had. you notice how she calmed down, how she doesn’t sob anymore, how very few tears would fall, compared to how much she was crying before. she looks clueless, and it made your sentence stop for a little more time than how much you programmed. is it just you who wants more?

« the days we spent together…what do they mean to you? » and the question takes a few moments to be answered, as her grip tightens around you, her eyes gazing at you rather than the emptiness of the place. strangely, no one is there, you two can hear the music of the partying flat even out of it, and it relaxes you more because you aren’t alone, you can say you need to go if you want to, if it gets too much even for you.

you wait still, and she sighs. « they’re special, obviously. » « but tara, there’s more. » you notice that as you speak and breath, cold whiteish air goes out of your mouth, losing itself in the space in front of you. is it really that cold?

« i don’t know what you mean. » she shakes her head, and you take a step back. her cheeks are flushed, her body is stiff and as she doesn’t have anything else to grab, her hands clasp roughly.

you falter, shaking your head softly. « it’s nothing. maybe i should head out, y’know, maybe mindy is still waiting f— » « no, wait. » her hands open, she shows her palms, and huffs. « i want to understand. how come there’s more? i don’t even know what that means. »

« you get incredibly close for weeks, you kiss my face, you hug me and struggle to let go, you treat me with…weird sweetness that i have never seen before, especially from you. you suddenly disappear because you’re scared that i’ll end up copying amber, then…you say that those moments are just special. that’s a meaningless reply to me— do you even care? » you vent, a hint of anger mixed with palpable confusion, and the words go out of your mouth faster than you wanted them to.

she widens slightly her eyes, raising her eyebrows. and you know she still isn’t understanding from what place you’re coming from, or maybe she understands? how confusing she is.

« what kind of question is that? i care »

you decide to go all in, your patience wearing thin, as thin as a blade of grass. « then why do you act like you’re in love with me? » you giggle nervously, maybe looking crazy in front of her eyes, maybe looking desperate. she locks eyes with you, and you go ahead and take steps towards the building, fearing her reply, fearing that everything you know is false.

« because i am, y/n » you hear her say from behind, and you turn around, frowning. you are suspecting that what you heard isn’t actually what she is trying to say, and somehow, even if you didn’t say anything, she gets it. « i said i am. »

« how did you— » « you always make that face when you’re lost. » she laughs, getting closer, and that phrase makes you hint a smile. she cups your face with her cold hands, and it makes you shiver, but somehow it feels emotionally warm. a blanket over your heart.

« so what do you think? » she whispers those words, her voice cracking with fear. you feel your cheeks gradually getting hotter and hotter, redder and redder. « i think that…i’m in love with you, too. »

you stop, and her gaze softens. yours does too. « i love you, tara. a lot. i thought you were disgusted by me or…you didn’t want me around anymore. but god, i’m so in love. » you calmly declare, her fingers brush against your cheeks softly, with tenderness.

« i could never be disgusted or change my mind about you, you’re pretty dumb. »

giggles echo in the air, and she leans in, her breaths quiver at the intimate closeness you both have now. everything fades out, and you both look at each other in need, in need for the physical contact you both are craving. she scans your face as your breaths intertwine, and then her lips found yours, after months of research.

it’s perfect, you kiss back without even thinking about it, like you were born for this: to kiss her, to have her with you. you cup one of her cheeks with your shaky palm, the touch is soft and warm, and her lips are too. no anger is held in the kiss, only the affection you both feel, gentle in its essence. your heart stumbles in its rhythm, and you fear that she can hear it beating erratically too.

she breaks the kiss hesitantly, and you don’t know how long the kiss lasted — seconds? minutes? — but it just made you even more infatuated with her. her forehead rests against yours, her brownish hues shining with satisfaction, her lips curled up in a soft smile. you can still feel those lips against yours, or maybe you simply want them to be there again.

but you’re fine, you finally are. there are things you both need to work on, but you know that, until you’ll have her, you’ll be content and wanting to be better.

« i promise i will take care of you. » you whisper, you can’t help but smile, showing your teeth.

« i will take care of you, too. »

[missycolorful]

Chayanne and Tallulah have become uber attentive toward their father's emotional state. He's somewhat vocal, at least toward them, about how rough it's been for him and the rest of the islanders. How much they endured, how awful they felt without the eggs around. And they notice what's being said and how much pain their father (and everyone else) has gone through, and they're consistently being very considerate of him. "do you want a hug? You always hug us." "stop sleeping in a chair and sleep in a bed you fucking idiot." (<- okay that's not an actual quote but they might as well have said that)

Like, Phil hasn't slept in a bed for the longest time, even before the eggs disappeared. Yes, the chair thing pretty much started due to the egg's disappearing, but dude doesn't really use his own house. Ever. And this has never been brought up before, by anyone. This only got worse when his kids went missing. So Phil hasn't really adjusted to the eggs returning yet, not entirely, because he anticipated logging out while sitting in that chair, which is basically what sparked that conversation about him sleeping in a bed. He's so used to the chair, and he doesn't see why it's a problem.

It's really clear especially after today that q!Philza is fairly emotionally dependent on his eggs. Yes, all of the parents and those close to the eggs have had their moods lifted very noticeably, and there are plenty of other parents whose mentality is at least somewhat reliant on these eggs (see q!Bad and also q!Roier), but of course, as a Philza main, it really is like night and day here. And for me, one of the biggest factors as to why there's this emotional dependency is that Philza feels that he has no other way to handle his trauma or emotions. Philza doesn't really have anyone to lean onto. No co-parent, no partner, no anything. Yes, he has close friends, but they also have their own children to care for, others to prioritize. Phil doesn't really feel he can be anyone's top or high priority. His partner is never around, for example, and I dunno how open he'd be with Missa even if he's around more often. Even if he has moments of vulnerability with others, Phil doesn't feel like he can be that open when those people have other things to be concerned about.

Yet his children obviously don't have priorities, and he is very open and honest about them. He doesn't shy away from telling them about what they went through, how awful they felt with the eggs missing, and so forth. He's not afraid to share with his kids. (Though, even then, he's not willing to share everything. Yes, Phil, let's pretend the black matter never happened. Just brush it all away, repress it all. It's like nothing ever happened...)

But still, it's heartbreaking to see that it has taken this long for q!Phil to finally rest up in an actual bed. There's not a real point to this post except Philza really, truly needs someone else, one of the people on this island, who he can rely on. Because it shouldn't take his kids to call him out for sleeping in a damn chair all the time.

[olderthannetfic]

/olderthannetfic/768940866455896064/i-dont-like-it-when-heavily-traumatized?

I feel like there's an ounce of truth to saying something like that is cowardice, though? Just as an observation, to be fair. Neutral, not judgemental. It is cowardly—or it can be—and that is also fine, I think. It's pretty realistic to be cowardly, especially after facing trauma. I don't understand what's wrong with that, I guess? Saying so, I mean.

I mean, I can imagine people are needlessly rude about it, but like... generally speaking, what's wrong with being a bit of a coward?

There are two characters I love very deeply who I would say are cowardly, to the extent that they both sort of meltdown, panic and run away—one so much that he has a bout of disorganized speech—and though the circumstances are different, it's just one way to deal with the situation. They can't face it upfront, so they go around, and honestly, in these cases, they're better off for that. It's an extremely overblown and emotional response, but it is also very real. It's fine, I think, if someone is cowardly, because honestly, who isn't? And many things can exacerbate that. It's like being "selfish" or whatever, too, like of course you want things for yourself. Who doesn't? And in that same vein, who isn't afraid? Who faces everything all the time? Who doesn't back down sometimes? It's, you know, normal. Necessary, sometimes. Ideally, you'd improve, but hey, maybe running away initially would be better for facing it later.

Like, you can't deal with everything all the time. Lots of statements like that, "coward", etc., ought to be more neutral. I think every person alive wants to avoid difficulty. I don't think many people are truly that brave or as good as they'd like to think. It's just a way of protecting yourself, albeit, it can be wrong and harmful in and of itself, especially pushed too far—say, avoiding difficulty and pain to the extent that you can say you "don't want to hurt anyone" while somehow managing to hurt everyone. That's not very good, but I mean. It happens. It's more about what you can do to make up for that, or if you even realize it to start, but a lot of that stuff is just totally normal for people to do.

I don't think it'd be bad unless they avoid difficulty to the extreme and never take responsibility. In that case, I'd say no amount of trauma makes up for the damage they'd do. Worse, they likely won't even be able to see the harm because doing that would mean holding themselves accountable, although that can be a lovely trainwreck, at least—made better by the fact it isn't real.

I got off track a little, I don't know. Cowardice is just not being brave. Maybe people will be rude about that, but there's nothing wrong with lacking bravery, and there are plenty reasons one would, especially after facing some particular hardship. Closing yourself off is cowardly on some level, but objectively it is also a way to protect yourself, and that may be insensible or ridiculous to some, but it's also a perfectly reasonable response. Makes sense, psychologically. When you face a lot of hardship and then get on the other side of that, sometimes it just makes it harder to face anything else. And I just don't think cowardice is wrong, inherently. Withdrawing can protect us. Sometimes, that made us safe before. Maybe it doesn't now, but people will keep doing the thing that made them safe before, long past its expiration date. And that can hurt a lot more than if we hadn't. So it's a neat thing to explore, but I dunno. To me, "coward" is a net neutral. It isn't a statement of value. It just is. The value lies in the handling of the cowardice, I think, not in the word itself.

--

[multiplicity-positivity]

hoo boy this will be a handful but. i'm doing this on anon because i am still in the shame/denial phase. so after befriending some systems (and losing said friendships + accumulated stress + other traumatic/overwhelming circumstances), a few alters (around 9 of them, some very recent, some very old) stepped forward and fully made their presence known?? i dunno know to explain it, my co-host (who i thought was a simple character i made up to "roleplay as") said they've been grouping them to finally come out and actually interact. is it normal to have found out about them this late in my life? (i'm in my early 20s). like, there are gaps, blanks and inexplicable things in my life that, upon talking with them, now know are their doing and it makes sense, things are clicking into place now, but i still feel like i'm faking all of this to cope with the loss of my friends. i don't think i'm traumatized enough, or that i "fit the mold", but i don't want to push them away in case they're real (which i want to believe they are but. we circle back to the issue at hand). i already did my homework and researched a ton (psych major) but getting a proper diagnosis in my country is absurdly costly and difficult, and i have no one to run to so i am just. sitting here and hoping for the best.

Hi! It sounds like you’re going through a lot - we’re sorry things have been so difficult and overwhelming for you lately! We’ll share some advice and link a few posts we’ve made in the past that might be useful for you.

First of all, yes, it is very common and incredibly normal to discover your system later in life. Many folks don’t realize they’re plural until well into adulthood. Our own system had our “official syscovery” when our body was 23 years old! For folks with dissociative disorders, there’s probably a few reasons for this, such as:

- having to live covertly and keep the system a secret while actively in an abusive environment

- being unable to properly handle or deal with the range of emotions that comes with discovering a system

- the system functioning okay with heavy dissociative barriers, without some sort of event or circumstance that causes alters to come in contact with one another

And more! Really it is so common for folks with dissociative disorders to not discover their system until adulthood - most of the other systems we know went through the same thing!

Second of all, it’s also very common for plural folks of all sorts to feel like they’re faking. Unfortunately, whether trauma-formed, created, spontaneous, or anything in between, denial and fear of faking are almost impossible to avoid, especially at first in the early stages of learning about your system. Rather than go over all the different ways you can cope with a fear of faking in this response, we’ll just link our previous post on dealing with denial - please check it out if you can!

In that post linked above, we’d like to highlight points 7 and 8: a syscovery literally can happen at any time, and those who really are faking usually know that they’re faking and as such don’t stress so much about whether or not their system is real. Honestly, these days we’re of the opinion that even if someone is faking plurality, they should still be welcomed to explore their “system” and will still be cherished and accepted in our spaces as long as they want to be here.

Third, it is also incredibly common for trauma survivors to worry that their trauma “wasn’t bad enough” or that they should be perfectly functional because “someone else has had it worse.” Feeling like your trauma wasn’t enough can be a trauma response in and of itself. Many of us in our system also have these same fears from time to time. Even in the unlikely event that your system formed just to help you cope with the loss of your friends, that’s still a valid reason for plurality to occur and you are still welcome to identify as a system.

We appreciate so much that you don’t want to push your headmates away! Focusing on building communication and nurturing positive relationships between y’all can be so helpful and healing. Lots of folks tend to shut down when they first discover their system and push their headmates away as a result. So being open to the experience and willing to work with your headmates is huge! And we’re sure your headmates appreciate this as well.

We cannot diagnose you, and it’s possible that you may or may not have a dissociative disorder like DID or OSDD. It’s possible to be plural without these disorders, even for systems who formed from trauma. But people with dissociative disorders still have these disorders with or without a diagnosis. Lots of people out there are unable to access a mental health professional who is capable of diagnosing them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the disorders they’re struggling with.

We believe it is possible to self diagnose with enough research. You’ve mentioned you’ve done a lot of research, which is great! If you’re going to attempt to self diagnose, please go slowly, ask yourself questions, and try to rule out other possibilities before settling on a particular diagnosis. Our resource post for questioning systems has a complex dissociative disorder section with lots of resources that you may or may not have seen already, but we’ll go ahead and drop the link!

We’re wishing you and your whole system the very best of luck going forward. Please take your time learning more about yourself and your headmates! Y’all will always be welcome here, no matter what you discover about yourselves in the future. We hope this helps! Sorry it got so long! 😅

🌷 Corrie, 💚 Ralsei, and 🐢 Kip

[peaches2217]

man i just saw your post after an hour of doing the exact same thing. it fucking sucks. to me it's like... whenever i see the topic my brain goes through the following process:

>come across opportunity to view triggering content

>triggering topic in question is "trivial"

>in head: "oh come on it'll be fine/if you seriously still get worked up about this you have some growing up to do! you won't know if you've improved until you expose yourself to it again" (idk if you do the same but yk when you've got a sore spot and you keep touching it to see if it hurts any more/less than last time?)

>view triggering topic

>feel like shit

>rinse and repeat

tldr i feel like our brains trick us into undermining our trauma responses/triggers for whatever reason which is why we get pulled into these cycles of re-exposing ourselves to them. you've posted before about being extremely diligent, not putting your own feelings first due to the culture/environment you grew up in etc, and while idrk you i'm wondering if that plays a role in you returning to read about your triggers sometimes. because you're not taking your emotional responses to it seriously enough, you see your issue as this stupid/pathetic thing instead of a legitimate problem that deserves management and support. idk though lmao. please be well

Actually, that’s… kinda on the money. The topic I got sucked into last night is so stupid and SHOULDN’T get me worked up but it DOES, and even when I acknowledge that something is raw or triggering to me, I don’t really think it’s justified unless it’s one of The Big Two (suicide and self-harm), otherwise it’s just a trivial topic that I’m too pathetic and thin-skinned to not handle like an adult. Like… yeah, I need to understand what’s so bothersome to me and work through it, but how do I work through it if not by exposing myself to it? And if just exposing myself to it is enough to pull me into a spiral, then clearly it’s not a management issue, it’s a ME issue, and I have a lot of reflecting and improvement to do before I can become operational and normal and, I dunno, valid. Right now I don’t really think I’m any of those things.

Sorry to rant and ramble, and I’m so sorry you go through similar. Please be well as well! 🫂

[symptoms-syndrome]

My therapist and I talked yesterday about guilt vs shame. I apparently tend to think that what I'm feeling is guilt when it's actually shame.

The difference being, as I understand it, that guilt is when I've done something wrong, and shame is feeling that I am wrong.

Apparently neither of those feelings are the ones that are like. Correct to apply to the way I am. Correct is the wrong word. But who cares.

They told me that I've been told quite a lot that there's something wrong with me, that I'm at my core more ill, more wrong, more trouble. But also this isn't correct, they said.

I dunno.

I made this comparison (TW for cancer)

People get cancer sometimes. When those people get cancer, they get treatment (ideally.) They get chemo or surgery or whatever else. And a lot of them get better! And they don't have cancer anymore or the cancer isn't dangerous or whatever else. But sometimes you can give someone chemo and do surgery and do everything you can and they still have cancer in the end and they still die. And when that happens you need to accept it. Shift focus from treating the cancer to make it go away and focus on other stuff. Pain management, end of life care, that kind of stuff.

It just feels like. I'm the latter. I got lots of treatment for my mental health stuff and I've still got the fucked up brain sickness. I went through all these programs and treatments that fixed or worked on all the other kids and it just didn't work on me. They got to go back to mainstream schools and graduate those programs and treatments and I just got discharged and bounced around, elevated to more and more intense treatments, and nothing seemed to work. It feels like I've exhausted my options.

There was also a time when my therapist was asking about what causes harm. Because I said I tend to pay a lot of thought to not causing harm with my emotions, which is why I don't share them. Emotions are valid and real and all that, I just don't know how to express them without causing harm. If you're angry and you hit someone, even though anger is an okay emotion to have, hitting someone isn't okay. I said that sharing when I feel sad or upset or trauma-heavy, sharing that feels like hitting someone. I'm making them sad or upset bc they empathize with me. The end result of both is the same. If I hit someone because I'm angry, or I share my heavy feelings, in the end both result with someone feeling upset. They were really surprised by that, I think they said something about how they hadn't ever heard something like that before.

I dunno. I don't want to sound like I'm saying I'm The Special-est Guy who has The Most Fucked Brain. I just have a hard time believing that other people can. Handle me if I'm open about how I feel and stuff.

[wewebaggit]

Mike being depressed is something Finn talked about himself so I don't think it can be considered as fanon even though the show doesn't take time to highlight that cause it only treats Mike as El's bf. I mean we don't know the dynamic of Willel well in order to be able to say who El would save if Will and Mike were in danger but it's clear that the Willel reunion was more emotional than the S4 reunion of Mileven (actors' dynamic??).

It's kind surprising that your fav paring is Duzie when we never saw Dustin and Suzie together. Not to mention how each time Dustin talks about her, he has to point out her intelligence like is that the only thing that made him date her ?(except for the fact that he is desperate af to get a partner). That pairing is non-existent in the show. Personally, I think the couple that would have lasted on our world would be Boyce.

Idgaf what Finn said. He's been wrong before. Actors on that show, especially the kids have not always been on the mark about their own characters. Also, as I answered another anon, the depressed here is just the layman dumbification of depressed. It's not a mental health issue because it hasn't been handled that way like you yourself have admitted. Can't J K Rowling this shit. Put it in or stfu.

Again. We dunno the willel dynamic cuz there isn't one. You're just reiterating my point that the willel closeness is fanon. When in canon she does not find comfort in Will's words. Nor is she considerate of him at Rink o mania. Will too on his part doesn't seem to be chummy with her (or anyone) being in his sad boy era. I'm not talking about life or death situation type of choice. That's always hard and I wouldn't put blame on any character for making what is a difficult choice no matter what the options. I'm talking about finding comfort and strength. N she still relies on Mike for that over Will. Willel reunion being more emotional is subjective. To me there was nothing that jumped out that way. Will and El are criers. So yes there were tears in that scene. Also it was a Noah n MBB acting choice I feel. (not that it matters bt there was hardly any writing for them. they kinda put in the work themselves according to MBB)

I do mention my fave pairing is Duzie cuz it seems real. What's wrong with him praising her intelligence? He's a smart boy himself. Makes sense for him to date someone intellectually compatible with him. Also desperate for a gf is exactly why I like Duzie. They're 13-14. They're silly with their pet names. Helping change bad grades. Making out. Being corny af. Singing a frickin duet. They're not out there giving monologues or bearing the brunt of their partner's bad mood like they're in some adult marriage. They're silly. They're not co-dependent. Dustin managed to keep Suzie out of all this mess and she's still saved the world twice. He genuinely likes her. As can be seen by the advice he gives Steve in season 3. They both have a life and interests and convictions beyond just each other. All this chemistry in frickin split screen. I don't see how that pairing is non-existent. Boyce on the other hand. Joyce never liked him romantically. He was her ticket to a stable life. She obviously cared about him. But she didn't have to make those faces while being around him as if he forced her to be with him. You're right. IRL it would work maybe. But this is fiction and I don't care about the longevity of the coupling. Not even that they gotta be healthy. Just interesting and well written. Which Boyce weren't. In fact Boyce is non - existent the moment Bob drops dead. Joyce and Will forgot him so quickly. He's barely mentioned. We keep talking about these people's traumas or whatever. But they're walking fairly comfortably around death.

[mogai945]

radiomogai's experiences event: days 3 and 4!!

[PT: radiomogai's experiences event: days 3 and 4!! /end ID]

(because i forgot to post day 3 yesterday rip)

Prompt 3: Talk about either your favourite identity term of yours or a random one that applies to you! Why is it a part of your identity, how does it apply to you?

[PT: Prompt 3: Talk about either your favourite identity term of yours or a random one that applies to you! Why is it a part of your identity, how does it apply to you? /end PT]

so, i (tommy), as you could probably tell from my day 1 post (link), have a lotta labels, but my favourite, or, perhaps more accurately, the one that comes closest to encapsulating my Entire Thing when it comes to my identity, is monachoric (link)!!

i think the only facet of monachoric that i don't identify with very strongly is the dog/canine motifs thing? but then i identify super strongly with raccoons and raccoon motifs, which i think still fit the vibes of monachoric quite well!!

other than that, i'll go through the listed qualities of monachoric in the order they're listed in the above post now :-) (smiley face with nose)

i do feel a lot of disconnect from humanity and being human as a whole!! my alterhumanity doesn't stem necessarily from dysphoria in being human, but from an attitude best described as, if you asked me if i'm human, i'd respond with "i guess"!! i'm not entirely sure what this stems from, if it's autism or plurality (since i am not fully human in innerworld) or something else entirely, but yeah i- i'm just not human, and i've never fit in with people in general, to the point where trying to fit in becomes actively uncomfortable

i don't just have teenage behaviour, i am a teenager!! in innerworld, at the very least, i'm 17!! i'm awkward and a loser, we all collectively have always been, and as the host and as an autism holder, i feel that extra intensely!! i dunno if we'd count as a misfit, per se? but an outcast absolutely, we're weird and have never fit in and a lot of our trauma stems from struggles with socialization

all my emotions feel messy and indignant!! not necessarily angry, but i am also fairly volatile; i'll get pissy easily, but i can also calm down easily. i don't really know why, perhaps i'm just worse at repressing my emotions than the rest of my headmates, but it's just a fact that emotions are messy almost by nature, and there's a lot to be indignated by in the world right now, almost always has been, so of course mine are messy and indignant!!

as i said, i'm a teenager, and even the body is only 20, so- of course i make dumb mistakes!! i dunno how long i'll last man, i want to live, not just go through life in the safe path. of course i drink a monster at fuck off late o'clock, of course i go out at night, that shit's fun and i honestly think it's healthier to do these stupid things now rather than later when my body can't handle them as well!!

in innerworld, i have a shitton of bruises and scrapes and shit- i move around lots, i'm gonna end up with that sort of thing in my body, and that's fine!! i fucking LOVE old videogames, videogames as a whole are our biggest special interest and there's no separating us from videogames in our mind. same goes for cds and dvds, love physical media sm <3 (heart emoticon)

we burnt out so hard we dropped out of uni, so. yeah, i'd say we're a burnout lmfao i've never made a found footage film but that sounds so fucking pog i'd love to do it. i don't actively try to rebel but, again, lots to be indignant about in the world at the moment, i consider it almost a civic duty to rebel at this point, and i LOVE posters and baggy clothes, they're so cool and for the clothes specifically the comfiest ones :-) (smiley face with nose)

Prompt 4: How do you express your identity through your behaviour or clothing? How does this relate to your identity? If you don't currently, would you like to in the future?

[PT: Prompt 4: How do you express your identity through your behaviour or clothing? How does this relate to your identity? If you don't currently, would you like to in the future? /end PT]

in terms of clothing, we don't truthfully? a lot of us have very different clothing styles, but very few of us actually enjoy clothes shopping enough to do it frequently, so our clothes are all fairly samey, though we're comfy in them and that's enough for us :-) (smiley face with nose)

however, behaviourly, we do change, especially in our voice, when different people are fronting:

talon makes our voice deeper, even when not putting conscious effort into it, and tends to have a fair bit of a resting bitch face

i (tommy) make our voice higher and a bit more nasally, making it sound more boyish, and i also kind of go all over our range, i'm very bouncy both in terms of expressing my emotions and in terms of general movement

on the other end of the spectrum, skye is fairly monotone unless she puts in conscious effort to act out an emotion; she can use our full range, and she does if she thinks acting the emotion out to its extreme would be entertaining, but otherwise her voice is fairly flat, roughly in the lower end of the middle of our range

sylvie, on the other hand, is SUPER high pitched, both consciously and subconciously. she also tends to carry the body more confidently than the rest of us, but in fairness, it's not super hard to be more confident than most of us lmfao

[anotherhumanpet]

A small whimper leaves him because Dennis knows he can't lie to that face. He can throw out little white lies about his well being all the time, and he does it without hardly thinking about it too. But something like this? Something which so clearly affects Rin and has the other boy begging him for honesty? Lewin had asked for secrecy, and he had a valid reason for it, but Dennis couldn't just lie to Rin about it now. Not like this.

"This has to stay between us, Rin." He speaks as sternly as he can, despite how up and down and all over the place his emotions have been lately. "I mean it. Lewin told me I couldn't talk about this with anyone because it's just gonna make everyone panic and he said they're handling it, but-- Mephisto has some kind of control over a Gehenna Gate somewhere. I don't-- I don't know how or where or what, but-- M.E.C.H. kept asking me--"

His hands seek out Rin's once more, for the comfort and the stability they bring, and Dennis drops his gaze to look at their joint hands while he tries to get his words and memories in order, and trauma brushed under the rug so he can speak in coherent sentences.

Then, after taking a deep breath, Dennis tries again. "He-- Mephisto has got some kind of time lock spell on a gate somewhere, and M.E.C.H. wants to undo it. They wanna know how to break it, or where to find him so they can probably hurt or kill him so the spell will be broken. Cause he took it from the Illuminati and M.E.C.H. wants to get it back, I think. I dunno... They weren't really telling me anything but... That's just what it sounded like to me, based on what they were asking, ya know?"

The hug is good, much better than just squeezing the life out of Rin's hand, and Dennis melts into the embrace in an instant, practically burying himself into the other boy. Of all the places he can hide into when everything sucks, Rin's chest is - by far - his favorite right now.

"Maybe..." It seemed likely. It's what Dennis wanted for Jaden anyway, because at least then his uncle had a way out of things; a sense of innocence through sheer ignorance and from being manipulated, rather than wicked compliance with it all. The former situation sucked, but the latter was unbearable.

That hopeful thought would be short lived though as attentions shifted and a sinking horror hit both of the boys at the exact same time - although it struck them for two very different reasons.

Dennis couldn't wiggle himself out of Rin's grip fast enough so he could grab Rin by his face, looking panicked as he desperately pleaded with the other boy, "F-Forget I said that! I-I-I didn't mean it! I don't know what I'm saying either! I'm stupid and overwhelmed and I had a concussion. Crazy stuff just slips out a-and-- I didn't say that, okay?"

[staggeringsmite]

.

[skylarsblue]

Aight. I don’t have full oneshots for C.o.D, cause I don’t trust my writing ability yet. HOWEVER, I have two concepts for oneshots that I need to put somewhere. So uh…I guess, they can count as practice wips? Anyway.

✦Two C.o.D Wip Concepts ✦

✦Concept 1; Just…comfort fluff? Cause Ghost is a big sad man under that mask, he’s gotta be with all those daddy issues. Fem!Reader because I wrote it for myself on a Fem! Day. Tried to edit it to be GN! Instead but if I missed something, that’s why.

✦Concept 2; Also kinda comfort fluffy. Warning for some vague noncon scenarios that come with the job(nothing detailed and not intended to be seen as full noncon.) Basically a fem fatal!reader that often plays the bait for certain missions.

✧Ghost Scene Wip✧

“You’ve handled trauma so much better than I have…you’re not bitter. How?…why trust anyone?”

“Because being angry all the time sounds exhausting. Even if I want to be. I think you consider yourself broken beyond repair, but I don’t see you that way.”

.

.

.

“You can trust me…I know that’s not easy, but I promise. Shhh, don’t close up on me. You’re safe here, we’re alone. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you.” The mask slips off gentle and he’s left bare, exposed and vulnerable for the first time in a long time. He looks away, to preserve his dignity, out of embarrassment, shy. “There you are…” Their hand cups his face with a gentleness he’s practically never felt before. Sweet and warm, gently guiding him to look at them again. They’re standing so for once he has to look up, not the other way around. They smile, full of kindness and affection. “So, I’ve met Ghost, I’ve met my Lieutenant. Who are you now?”

He swallows past a lump in his throat, tense but relaxed all at once. He wants to fight it. Hide again, shield himself. But he answers them in a deep and whispered voice. “Simon.” They let out a short, amused huff. “Nice to meet you Simon. Fitting name…and might I say you have a gorgeous face.” They coo, making him bashful in a way he despises. He scoffs and tries to look away again, but they insist on the eye contact. “I mean it, ya know. Always thought you were pretty under there and hey, I was right.” He feels their thumb gentle caress a scar on his jaw.

He’s exposed, vulnerable. He hates it, loathes it, it feels nauseating to be so displayed open for them.

He hopes it never ends.

✧Captain Price Concept ✧

“It’s just that…I dunno. It’s so uncomfortable every time. It’s my job, and I really don’t mind in the long term, because it’s my job. But it never gets easier to be forced to put up with being touched and sleazed over by those men. Even if I’m technically letting it happen, it’s because I have to. It really shoots at your self assurance when you don’t have a choice. But, it’s not like you can just walk up to someone you do trust and say “hey, I’ve made this choice, you can touch me”. That’s fuckin’ weird!”

“….hm.”

“Ah-…” she sighs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to throw all that up on you, Cap.”

“No no, please, by all means. You got a tough job none of us have to deal with. And it sounds…honestly, a lot worse than I originally thought.”

“Yeah well…eh. I can handle it. It’s just…upsetting that I can’t have the say, sometimes.”

John hums and flicks some ash from his cigar, exhaling the smoke into the wind. “You trust me?” He asks. She looks over in slight confusion before her face softens, and she speaks with sincerity. “With my life.” A more intense response than he had expected, and he had to hide the split second of surprise from showing on his face. He lets out a small hum as she looks away. He takes another drag of his cigar and exhaled slowly. In her peripheral, she sees his hand held out, waiting. She then looks at his face. “Only if you want.” Is all he says. She blinks, processing, before she looks back at his hand. A gentle and slightly emotional smile breaks across her face, a breathy laugh leaving her throat.

Her hand rests in his palm and she gives his hand a squeeze. “Good choice?” He asks as he allows her to take his calloused hand. Running her nails over small scars and the lines of his palm, he holds back the urge to shiver. The woman lets out a noise of content. “Yeah…yeah I like this choice.” She admits quietly, nodding. Silence passes between them again, it’s comfortable. He only glanced over when he feels the weight of her head on his shoulder, her hands still fiddling with his own. She sighs peacefully. “Thank you, Captain.” She mumbles, voice thick with adoration and honey. It makes him feel warm, something he hasn’t felt without the aid of bourbon in awhile.

“Don’t mention it, soldier.”

Am I ever gonna finish these? Probably not. But maybe someone else will get inspired enough to write something with these concepts and I won’t have to do the work(/lh /j). Anyway, welcome to the product of brainrot.

[system-of-a-feather]

REALIZING IN HINDSIGHT I PROBABLY SHOULD ADD SOMETHING TO THIS OTHER THAN "Yeah we do art together" CAUSE THATS NOT THE POINT I THINK LIN MEANT TO MAKE XDD

Look I really do just enjoy arting with him. I don't think I have much to add to this that he hadn't added himself cause we talk about this on and off so as far as I'm concerned we are generally on the same page (I admittedly TLDR to it because I like... talk about this semi-regularly with him XD)

But honestly, I'm sure he said it, but I think a really helpful thing from a helpers perspective is to genuinely like... try not to focus on "fixing" or "helping" the part so much as just like... being there.

Like I honestly didn't try this approach with much intent to like... fix anything or help anything, it was a combination of

1) I felt like he needed a friend and kindness (plus he was one of the many parts that would just latch onto me and use me for stability without my consent when disregulated back when that was a huge issue ANYWAYS and so it was kind of a matter of me going 'well if you are going to be using me to have some emotional regulation, might as well roll with it') and

2) honestly the system was really beginning to stress me out with how much discourse they were having over handling our sexual trauma as another part that holds some trauma albeit in a much more typical PTSD way than the dissociative shit Lin had and I was getting REALLY exhausted dealing with what was a tag team of two parts behaving in a persecutory manner

So during a big fuss, we had like, two persecutors aggressively attacking me cause I was trying to make progress and XIV had assigned me to Ignore Them and he'd "deal with them" and so I was benched (thank god) and I was like hhhhhhhhh im stressed imma draw and Lin was like, right there and Im like "You also kinda tired of this"

Its not as well put cause honestly, for me I was just like, "hey buddy little bro lifes tough huh XD"

I guess another thing I would probably say is that like.... you'd really be pretty shocked how capable, communicative, and aware they can be when they get their moments out of the hellscape. Cause I realized when you look at it from a host perspective they look like an incoherent insane and unstable mess that OBVIOUSLY can't speak for themselves, and in the moment that might be true, but that isn't really the actual level of coherency and capability to reflect - thats just the chronic condition

And I think its really important to actually engage those parts in a human way. Fighting with one another over who knows how to take care of the part the best and never actually like... waiting and giving a lot of space for that part to communicate it themselves - or worse, hearing an answer and ignoring it as "incorrect", just doesn't work that well. Like Lin had told us what he needed was to be "left alone" and especially early on we were like "okay thats just typical trauma speaking but thats not what he actually needs"

But like... it honestly was and it wasn't our place to be telling him that he was just "too mentally ill and traumatized" to be a fair judge for what he needed. Yes leaving him alone would FEEL like slowing down or ignoring the issue, but forcing them to heal paradoxically, in my experience, does more damage than good and in the end slows shit down more. The best thing you can really do is genuinely respect and listen to a part, even if, ESPECIALLY if what they say is not what you want to hear.

(that also isn't to say you have to act in accordance or take it as fact, some traumatized parts will say things that are harmful and all that. You can listen without necessarily following what they are saying as though they were orders)

I dunno just some of my thoughts on the topic that isn't me going

OH YEAH WE LOVE TO DO ART TOGETHER LINS MY BEST ART BUDDY OWO

as if that was The Point XD

(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)

(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.

[speuradair]

Crying Silco, Viktor Headcanons

Request: “hcs for when would viktor & silco would cry in front of their s/o? what would be the circumstance(s), are they crying silent tears or loudly sobbing? i dunno i just want some angst and hurt/comfort hhhh”

Silco hates the idea of crying

would never judge his loved ones for crying, but when it comes to himself?

he avoids crying at all costs, especially in front of other people

It’s not because it makes him feel weak, it’s because it makes him feel vulnerable

in his experience being vulnerable has always led to disaster

he’s decided that if you want to survive in an environment like the undercity it’s viral to avoid being vulnerable at all costs

but of course that isn’t a healthy or realistic expectation for a human being

while Silco is mostly able to cope with stress and emotions without being too bothered, it’s the trauma that does him in

he’s very sensitive to his triggers and is reminded of his trauma a lot

no matter how hard he tries to deal with it he still have ptsd episodes and breaks down

always tries to be alone when they happen so he won’t feel embarrassed or risk ruining his ‘image’ of a cold, ruthless leader

learned to cry quietly and get it over with quickly so he can rinse his face off and return to whatever he was doing as if nothing happened

he has more episodes at night than during the day so he’s careful to be silent as to not bother anyone or raise any suspicions

if he has a trauma dream he’ll often wake up already crying

even if you’re asleep right beside him he’d rather deal with it on his own than to wake you up and ask for help

though its inevitable that his partner will be there when he breaks down at some point

Silco feels humiliated and probably tries to push you away at first, even though the last thing he wants is for you to leave him alone right now

the best way to handle these episodes is to not make a big deal about it

be gentle and patient as he tries to get comfortable with the idea of letting you see him like this

assure him that it’s okay and normal to feel these emotions

let him hold your hand or hug you tight to ground himself in the moment again

Silco may seem cold or distant during these, but he appreciates you being there for him more than he can ever express to you

he might not want to talk about what triggered him or what happened in his dream, but he absolutely wants to listen to you talk about anything else

your voice is soothing and it’s a good distraction

It’s an entirely new experience for Silco to be able to rely on someone like this and it takes him a bit to adjust to it, but he loves you more than anything and appreciates it so much

he’ll get used to being vulnerable with you soon enough <3

Viktor is very comfortable with his emotions

he’s spent a very long time learning to accept and deal with both physical and emotional pain

he doesn’t think crying (or showing any intense emotion) should be considered weak or embarrassing at all

While Viktor does struggle with mental health and depression, more of than not he only cries out of frustration

frustration with chronic pain, frustration at the way people refuse to understand, frustration at witnessing the mistreatment of innocent people

tends to have short moments of choked sobs and frustrated slams on his desk or stomps of his right leg (which he immediately regrets because it still puts more stress on his left leg)

also cries when he gets angry, just from the strong surge of emotions and intense feelings he has

he does consider that to he slightly more embarrassing, though only because he thinks people don’t take him as seriously that way

his chronic pain is the most common culprit however

Viktor is in so much physical pain all of the time that he can really only take so much for so long before he has to let out his frustration

Viktor isn’t bothered by his partner seeing him upset

His lover is someone he’s supposed to trust, correct? Why should he hide his emotions?

There isn’t really anything that can be done to ‘fix’ the things that bother him unfortunately

but he greatly appreciates you just listening to him vent about it

also any effort you make to lessen his physical pain makes him emotional

he’s so honored that you care about him and want to help him, even if there isn’t really much that does help

he really enjoys soaking in a very hot bath while you just sit and run your fingers through his hair or read to him

it’s a temporary fix, but it means the world to him

as for the external factors that bother him, Viktor is more than content if all you do is commiserate with him

tell him that you understand

that you get why he finds things unjust

assure him that you want to do anything you can to help him even if there isn’t really much to do

Viktor will return the favor any and every time you’re upset as well

He’s ever thankful for your love and support so he wants you to know that he has the same love and support for you <3

[uncloseted]

how would you of liked to see them handle it?

In general, I would have liked for them to acknowledge that Freddie has experienced a lot of trauma, and that informs how he acts and what his personality is like. I think a lot of people assume that Freddie just kind of has a laid-back, "skater" or "stoner" personality and think that he's boring because of it. But I think he's so conflict-averse because he associates people being unhappy with them not being alive anymore, and he wants to do everything he can not to lose anyone else. The other problem with Freddie is that so much of his struggle is internal, which makes it difficult to communicate what he's going through to the audience.

In terms of what they actually could have done differently, it might have helped to call out how his personality changed from before his mum died to after his mum died. For example, when his dad could says, "Every time I look at you, I wonder... You've got your mother's eyes, but... I don't know who you are any more. You just skate around. You just fucking skate around," they could have added a line like, "I don't know who you are any more. You've always been a bit lazy, but you used to have interests and dreams. Now you just skate around. You just fucking skate around." That at least would have given us a clue that while Freddie is kind of like this naturally, his personality really has changed since the death of his mum, and he really is dealing with the emotional fallout of it.

In terms of what happened with Cook's mum, I would have liked for there to be a scene where Freddie takes action. So much of his storyline is about action vs inaction, and learning when it's important to take action even though it will upset people. And so it feels like a missed opportunity that he never takes action when it comes to his own trauma. I don't think he would have tried to get her arrested or start a legal case or anything- Skins isn't Skam- but I do think a scene between the two of them would have helped that plot feel more resolved.

I'm imagining it would happen after Cook gets arrested. Freddie would go over and call her out, basically saying that this all could have been prevented if she had just been there for Cook. He could say that some people would kill to get to spend more time with their children- that his mother regretted that she couldn't be there more for him, for Karen, and for Cook, her surrogate son - but that Ruth can't even bother to be around for Cook's court date. I don't think he would necessarily bring up the fact that she sexually assaulted him, since I don't think he views it that way or understands that that's what it is. But I do think he would be angry at her and have all sorts of reasons why he hates her that are a result of what happened. She could even say something like, "what happened? You used to like me," again showing that this is a change in Freddie's feelings towards her as a result of what happened.

I dunno. Like I said, it's hard to externalize the struggle of a character who's so outwardly unemotional and unresponsive. But I think that would have at least made it all feel less random and like Freddie has actually had an emotional reaction to everything he's been through.

[katierosefun]

oh golly gee, somehow january has already flown by (happy first month of 2022!), so we’re back with a wrap-up on whatever the heckity heck i consumed over the past month. my break went on a bit longer than it did in past years, so i had plenty of time to watch and read more stuff than i usually would...so hold onto your hats!: 

kdrama: 

happiness 

i started this show in december, stopped watching because of finals, then finished it during my last two weeks of winter break...and absolutely adored it. basically, this show is about sae bom (han hyo joo) getting fake-married to her friend yi hyun (park hyung sik). both work in different branches of the police force (sae bom as specialized police, yi  hyun as a detective), and they get fake-married in order to live in an apartment...except not everything is at seems. basically, there’s something new breaking out--tentatively called “madman’s rabies”, but really...guys, this is a zombie story. 

and yet. take it from me, someone who’s terrified of zombies (like. for some people, ghosts scare the living fuck out of them. for me? it’s zombies), this show is so much more than a zombie story. there’s fake marriage, yes, and there’s also found family, and also just overall what does it mean to be happy? and so what the fuck did we learn from covid anyways? and also all the wonderful messages about social class that we like from a survival story. 

god. ugh. this show just hit all the marks. the romance was so...i enjoyed it so much more than i thought i would, and the found family dynamic was so!!!! (god.....god sae bom can you be my big sister please) also, just like...i was so fascinated by how this show discussed covid? i actually didn’t think i’d want to watch a show that was set so closely near the pandemic, and yet...the theme of the chaos in the pandemic alongside...a zombie story...was so well done and cleverly thoughtful that i was able to watch it and feel like i was watching a real story about coping with the traumas and fears that we are unfortunately still going through today, esp. with omicron numbers going up. 

basically...i rather enjoyed this show. it’s only 12 episodes long, but weirdly, the episodes feel incredibly short, and just. overall. a very satisfying show. 

our beloved summer 

man...i haven’t watched a kdrama in primarily pastel-y/washed out/soft colors in so goddamn long, i almost forgot they existed. admittedly, i’ve watched quite a few darker korean dramas for the last few months, so i think a part of me was actually relieved to watch something that wasn’t about murder or death or zombies or the like. i watched this show while it was airing, and to be honest, i didn’t think much of it at first, but like a lot of viewers, i wound up feeling a lot of bittersweet things regarding the story. 

basically, this show is about old sweethearts yeon su (kim da mi) and ung (choi woo shik), who only started dating after being paired up together for a documentary project. now, a few years after their rather miserable breakup, they are to be in yet another documentary together as a “ten years later” sort of project. of course, now they’re at both pretty different paths: ung is now an artist, and yeon su works in a company. on paper, i think they’re both pretty successful, even despite their own challenges--but they are also both absolutely miserable, and as you might guess it, it’s because they both rather terribly miss each other. 

i really didn’t expect to actually like this drama? i like both actors, but i didn’t know that after months of really heavy and fast-paced plots, i wouldn’t know how to handle something that’s more centered on real life . . . and yet funnily enough, that was the charm of the show because even though i’m nowhere near the same place in life as our characters, the emotions were very real. i dunno how many people relate to the feeling of the one that got away or feeling still rather hung up on someone they once deeply, deeply loved--but this show was kind of a soothing balm for those feelings. very charming, very real, complete with all the slow bittersweet-resentful-but-still-loving feelings that you might expect from a show like this. if you want something soft but also something to pluck at the heartstrings, this is the show. 

all of us are dead 

i hate zombies so much, so i don’t know why i watched two zombie things in one month, but i did. 

anyways, this show is based on the webtoon of the same name--and even though i heard the webtoon’s much better and that there are significant differences from the webtoon itself, i personally thought this show was . . . hm, well, i had mixed feelings for this show. i think that in terms of zombie flicks, it’s fantastic bc it’s got the gore, the very real fear, and this themes about well, what do we do with / about kids anyways? and we have to stay hopeful and friends are important were done decently. (other themes . . . not so much, in my opinion.) 

but basically, this show is about a high school being ground zero of a zombie outbreak. there’s a pretty big cast, all of them filled with relatively new actors (which is so exciting, i can tell some of these kids are going to grow into incredibly big stars, if this series isn’t already kinda launching them into that path)--and despite my personal issues with some of them, i did like them, mostly because they were all trying so hard to live. like, idk about you guys, but i feel like if i were in their position, i would have just turned into a zombie right then and there. but like! they were trying so hard, whether it was in the act of fending off zombies or comforting each other around a campfire. seriously, i adored those moments the most. 

overall, i think this show is something that people who really love zombie stories for the horror might enjoy. there’s some frustrating plot points, and there’s some even more frustrating characters (not just in the “oh, they’re the worst” kind of way, but more like in the “? ? ? what’s their point?” kind of way), but ? ? ? y’know, it was fun to watch. (however, massive trigger warnings for implied s*xual assault, h*zing, su*cide, gore . . . there’s so much of it, and some of the gore stuff especially gets kinda brutal.)

tv shows: 

the haunting of hill house 

you know. . .i started this show in december and paused it for a while because my headspace wasn’t really able to handle the themes at that point, but around middle january, i picked up this show again and i am very glad that i did. not just because i felt like my mental health was better, but also because i thought . . . while the first half of the show was brutal (which was also what i watched during december), the second half of the show was . . . god. no words to describe how beautiful it was and how it really nailed the overarching theme of the show and how once again i am hit with the idea of horror and ghost stories as love stories and healing and god oh god 

but anyways. i. i feel like i’m late to this train but for those who don’t know, this show is about the crain family and a terrible tragedy that happened to them while the parents were trying to fix up the old hill house. now the crain siblings are all adults, but they’re still plagued by the trauma of that one horrific night and the strange happenings of the house--and it takes off from there. 

god. this show . . . i really can’t go too deep into this show without feeling like i might get perceived, but it was so beautiful and so compelling and so wonderful to me in terms of what it means to really live and also what it means to be a family, and how sometimes being a family is so complicated and messy and painful, but there is also something really lovely and sometimes there is happiness and joy and also there really is something unique about sibling bonds and also there is something so heartwrenching about loving someone who might slowly be falling apart before your eyes and oh god oh god oh god. i finished this show after i got my booster shot, and i cried so hard my fever respiked, so that should . . . that should give you an idea of the emotions i was going through. a solid show. 1000/10 would recommend, i even think i like it better than bly manor, which is saying something.

movies: 

okay....so i tried to watch this back in december, and i got through maybe 80% of it before going “you know what? now would be a fantastic time to chop of my hair with safety scissors. why not. why not!” and then proceeded to do so. because that’s kinda how this special makes you feel. (and not just bc of bo burnham’s long hair. just like. in general. desire to do something within your control.) 

that said! i really . . . is enjoyed the right word? i definitely thought inside was good, in that it really captures the whole . . . mood these days. or at least, my mood. it’s understandable why this special appealed to so many people when it first came out, when everyone was still trying to get used to the first few months of the pandemic. 

if i’m about to be honest, now that we’re officially in 2022, i suppose . . . seeing this comedy special really just made me. sit for a while and contemplate the state of the world. truly the epitome of “ha ahahaa . . .  the world is . . . not great right now but here’s some funny songs to go with it! :)” which. you know. you know. that said, my favorite songs are probably content, comedy, welcome to the internet...and look who’s inside again, all eyes on me, goodbye. (basically. the whole tracklist is fantastic.) 

given this comedy special was released . . . almost two years ago (huh) . . .i would be surprised if others hadn’t already watched this, but! i do recommend it--just maybe. make sure your head’s in a marginally okay place right now lol

the tale of princess kaguya 

i watched this right after watching inside, which was a really good idea because this was one of those movies that reminded me that, as the movie suggests, we are born to truly live. 

for those who aren’t quite as familiar with this studio ghibli movie, the tale of princess kaguya is based off the japanese folk tale the tale of the bamboo cutter. in this movie, a bamboo cutter finds a little child in a flower. this child grows quickly to become the most beautiful in the land, and given her funny “birth”, the bamboo cutter is convinced she was sent from the heavens to become the princess. i won’t go too much into detail with the plot other than that, because i feel like this is one of those movies that you should really go in blind--just as you should with quite a lot of studio ghibli movies, honestly. 

that said: i adored this movie. the only studio ghibli movie i’ve actually watched fully is spirited away and the secret world of arrietty, and i’m trying to remedy that. i initially chose this movie because it looked like it was just beautifully animated (and it is! look at this gorgeous frame!), and ofc, i came for the animation but stayed for the genuinely beautiful, fairytale-esque storytelling, the lovable protagonist kayuga, and the themes about sorrow, parent-child relationships, and what it means to truly live. what a good movie. stellar. i cried, just as i expected. 

the world of us 

you know when you stumble across a movie, show, book, whatever that is very good but also hits a little way too close to home? and so you finish it and feel empty but also healed but also just kind of like. someone patted you on the head and saw you for who you were and you feel a little terrified but also this bittersweet knowledge of being known? because that was how the world of us was to me. 

basically, this movie is about a young girl named sun (choi soo in), who’s an outcast in her school. then a new girl named jia (seol hye in) moves to the town, and she becomes quick friends with sun. for one blissful summer, they’re closer than close in the way that all childhood friends are. but then the school year starts again, and jia becomes quickly sucked in with the popular girls of the class, effectively leaving sun alone again. what ensues is mostly a lot of the bitter, very childhood-typical-esque passive aggressive bullying that would make any formerly bullied child want to crawl under the covers. overall though, it’s . . . such a touching movie. don’t be fooled by the pastels--this movie doesn’t pull back the punches on the hard-hitting themes of friendship and adolescence and all the saddest, messiest things that come with that. 

anyways. ‘tis a good movie. i felt so much during the first 30 minutes, and the next 60 minutes were somehow even better and more feels-y. 1000/10 recommend, and if you were a former bullied kid/had scarily similar experiences with sun, also be prepared to feel a lot of compassion for kids who are just Going Through It. 

joan’s galaxy 

i mean, technically, joan’s galaxy is a television episode, but it’s about an hour long and it’s a part of an anthology series, so i’m going to call this a movie. but basically, joan’s galaxy is about a world in which some people can live up to 100 years, while others can live up to 30 years because of a fine dust disaster. one day, a young woman who might have been able to live for 100 years learns that she’s actually one of those types who can only live up to 30 years. she winds up meeting someone with this same condition, and they bond over the course of about 50 minutes. 

this was just one of those rather simple, but rather lovely films that made me feel satisfied. it was a sweet love story more than anything else, and it made me feel a bit bittersweet towards the end, but oh...what it means to love someone, even if only for a brief moment. 

kiki’s delivery service 

you ever just watch a movie about burnout and suddenly feel better? because yeah. for those who don’t know, this movie follows the little witch kiki, who, now at 13 years old, is off to fly to some new city so that she can  become the local witch. she winds up starting a delivery service, and the movie kind of takes off from there and explores how she navigates her new life. 

y’know, as a kid, i could never finish this movie because i would always get stumped right around seeing kiki unable to fly/being terrified of losing her witch powers. even though i knew studio ghibli movies mostly had happy endings, something about that scene just always unsettled me. but this time, i finally finished the movie, and i’m very glad i did, because y’know. this movie really said that sometimes you just need to rest before finding your magic/spirit again, and that’s so touching. highly recommend. a really stellar studio ghibli movie, i think everyone should watch this at least once in their lives. 

what a man wants 

. . . the things i watch for shin ha kyun. the things i watch for shin ha kyun--and the things shin ha kyun makes me watch--

well. anyways. this movie is about two married couples who live (. . . together, i think? or like their houses are connected i think) and how the men are cheating on their wives. it’s all very much so a comedy, with some pretty . . . idk how to describe it? some of the twists were actually rather funny, and i actually laughed a bit in the hahaa!! that’s what you get, stupid cheater! 

you know, kinda iffy premise aside though, i weirdly liked this movie? like. it was funny but funny in the “oh dude you’re just digging yourself an even deeper grave and you deserve absolutely every bit of it” kind of way. also funny in the “oh geez y’all suck and i’m going to watch this trainwreck of your life and laugh” kinda way. maybe funny in like . . . reverse midsummer night’s dream kinda way? (idk where that comparison came from, but it makes sense in my head lol) 

tbh, would i recommend this movie? uh. idk. not really? i mean, i kinda liked the conclusion of the movie--kinda--and i thought there was some lesson and some takeaway in the movie (ie. don’t cheat on your partner! at the end of the day, you need to remember who you actually like/love!), but i also feel like if i didn’t already like shin ha kyun and song ji hyo, then i would have never gotten through this movie. so, i’ll leave it at that! 

the prince of egypt

maybe cheating because i’ve watched this movie many times before, but man . . . i was listening to this while waiting for an email from a law school i applied to back in november, and needless to say, i was incredibly stressed out. so i dunno. i decided to watch this movie because you know, there’s something incredibly significant about hearing how can you tell where your value lies and there can be miracles when you believe and i suppose i’ve just been feeling very down lately. so this movie was . . . a really beautiful reminder to me that it’s so impossible to judge the value of your life through only the present moment--and i suppose, as someone who’s religious myself, this movie really deeply moved me, and i kind of remembered through this movie oh, that’s what’s comforting about my own faith, even if i’ve felt angry and distanced from it these days. but you know, i think the creators of this movie were brilliant in making this movie so touching for people of the 3 main faiths that are aware of this story (judaism, christianity, islam) . . . like, oh. idk. i have more thoughts but i’ll write them down later.

music: 

to the island by ahn ye eun

oh my god. i just love ahn ye eun’s voice so much. i was already familiar with some of her past songs, most notably night flower and chaanggwi, but then this month, she also released haechi (which made me go insane...beyond evil fans know why), and so i decided to go into her ep which was released last year...and i regret not knowing about this ep sooner, because it was so beautiful? for those who aren’t aware, ahn ye eun is an incredibly unique korean indie songwriter and singer for specifically for how she comes from the very traditional korean music scene. her use of traditional korean instruments, as well as her incredibly unique voice, has been used for a number of saeguk (historical) dramas, and it’s easy to see why--she’s just so good at capturing so many emotions and also bringing in a musical vocal tradition that isn’t mainstream at all. 

even if you don’t understand korean, i highly recommend you give her songs a listen. i would recommend night flower and haechi first, just because those are my favorites--but this whole ep is such a gem. (or, if you’re just looking for incredibly emotional music to listen to without getting caught up in the lyrics, ahn ye eun is def. worth checking out too. i love this woman, and i can’t stop refreshing her spotify page to see if she’s releasing anything new.) 

the man upstairs by robyn hitchcock

you know, the first time i ever heard robyn hitchcock was through the ghost in you when i first watched amazon prime’s the wilds. and anyways, i dunno why (maybe nostalgia for that time), i decided to give the whole album a listen because i needed something quiet in the background . . . and oh man. oh man, this album was so great. it really is all quiet music, very minimalist with cello and acoustic guitar and vocals, but they make me feel very happy. my favorites are still totally the ghost in you and san francisco patrol. 

this empty northern atmosphere by gregory alan isakov

like the man upstairs, this album is incredibly quiet, although i would say gregory alan isakov—at least in this album—is more in the folk tradition than robyn hitchcock (who i would say is more singer-songwriter than folksy? although those genres kinda mix). but anyways, gosh. i adored this album. i got into it originally because i adore if i go, i’m goin’, which was the last song playing in the haunting of hill house. i found that the entire album is just as lovely, with really beautiful, homey sounds and comforting lyrics and just like. you ever feel like the sun’s rising or quietly summer-setting when you’re listening to music? because this is the type of music you play when the sun’s rising or when it’s summer and you just hear cicadas and you see fireflies buzzing above your head and you watch pink clouds roll by and this music would be playing in your head and you roll over on your side to reach for your sibling or your lover or your mom or whatever. that’s the kind of music in this album, and i adore it.

allegiance

you know, i had no idea this musical even existed until i heard it mentioned in a moth story by annie tan called “drumstick, please!. tan mentioned it as one of the only (if not the only) broadway musical featuring asian americans (her specific words being “people who look like me”), and so i gave it a whole listen immediately after. guys, i cried at least 3 or 4 times while listening to this relatively short musical (about an hour of songs). 

so even though i haven’t actually watched the musical, i think that, judging by the songs, it’s about a japanese-american family during japanese internment back in world war ii. for those who aren’t aware of this point in history, basically after the japanese bombed pearl harbor in hawaii, president roosevelt executed order 9006 on feb 19, 1942, effectively putting largely japanese americans into camps. it’s a bit of history americans don’t really like to acknowledge or go too into detail--but the trauma of that one bit of history still has impacts on so many japanese-american families today, and this musical really kinda goes into that. even though i’m not japanese-american myself, i did very strongly relate to this unspoken urge to present myself as American As Possible so that White Americans Could Accept Me or At Least Tolerate My Existence--which i think is a pretty common thread for lots of americans who come from immigrant families. so like. all the characters felt real and sympathetic, and by the end of the musical, you kinda come to the conclusion that a) family is important and b) dude, it fucking sucks that american society is structured in a way that it makes its immigrant children turn their backs against their own families. overall a stunning musical, really lovely. my favorite track probably has to be higher and how can you go?, which made me cry way too many tears.

[solarwindsempire]

Whoopsie my hand slipped, vent time hah- [okay to reply to]

I kinda just, we exist as our own little vacuum if that makes sense? We feel bad for our friends who know we're a system- because our roles, our headmates, the way our whole system functions- it's a very specific way that they don't fully understand

We feel bad making headmate-specific connections, because after those few days of fronting, they rarely front without being pulled. It makes so many of us feel like bad partners specifically

We're just like- a mess of comorbidities and weird brain functions. And like- we'd be perfectly functional and might even enjoy it if we didn't have any "close" friends, if we just had people in servers and on tumblr- without headmate-specific connections

We love being alone, actually. Literally the only way we can agree on a waiting room (for reality shifting) is if we're alone and just have a few people we distantly talk to

I dunno, maybe it's because we're so dissociated from our own emotions and reality? We don't feel much empathy, the most "empathy" we get is things like "oh I haven't fronted in a while my partner must be upset, I don't really wanna check on them though, I can't handle them being upset rn" or "oh fuck I can't be source-negative- this sourcemate who I barely talk to in a friend system would be devested because our two systems are the only ones who'd be able to have introjects from there"

And I just- it feels so unfair. What did we do to deserve our most negative feelings to be that? Our partner system and all our friends are suffering so much more than that, why should we get to be like this? Our existence is perfect for being isolated from people! Our existence is perfect for the type of trauma so many of our friends are actively going though, so what gives us the right to complain about it?

I just, maybe it's the summer depression- but any time we're away from people, our mask mindset comes off and these thoughts come up- and it's so utterly terrifying knowing that even just making this vent will upset our partner system! I hate it I hate it I hate it

We don't deserve to have an existence that's so good for being alone, not when that existence would be helpful to people who /have/ to be alone. We're so selfish, complaining about this hah-

I just. I hate this, and if we don't post this- no one will ever know! And maybe that'd be better, but when the feeling that cutting ourselves off from everybody we know would be better for them- and when a lot of our protectors [not all, this is heavily debated in the system after all-] agree that it'd be better for /us/, ig it deserves a spot out in the open