#because i already did it once and that is an accomplishment i'm still really proud of

[queerdiazs]

in honor of christmastime and the need to find serotonin in silly little festive stories for your favorite ship, i want to recommend the fics i wrote last year for anybody who might like a bit of joy <3

coax the cold right out of me | buddie, 2.6k

“You know,” Eddie begins, running his fingers through Buck’s damp, frizzy curls, “when I booked this cabin for the weekend, I had plans for us to fuck real nasty by the fire.” Buck laughs—an ugly, congested noise that sounds like it hurts when it gets caught in his chest—and tips his head back to meet Eddie’s gaze in the low light of the blazing fire. His big blue eyes are puffy and his cheeks are red, hot by the fire and chapped by the wind; he looks like a kid, almost, sitting on the floor and wrapped tight in a large, black fleece blanket with nothing beneath except a pair of boxers and fuzzy socks. “Well,” Buck croaks, “we’re still by the fire, at least.”

i love you best when you're just yourself | buddie, 2.2k

Side-stepping a pack of rowdy kids playing tag, Eddie jostles Buck’s arm with his own and points at a stumpy, curdled tree, saying, “What about this one?” “Too short,” Buck replies, walking right past the tree without giving it a glance. Eddie wrinkles his nose, staring after his boyfriend a moment. “It’s taller than me,” he says beneath his breath. “It’s taller than you.”

there you are, sweetheart | buddie, 2.9k

Eddie should tell him. Buck’s standing in his kitchen, wearing his clothes and a smile and a pretty blush, one that’s equally as adorable as it is beguiling, and Eddie should tell him how he feels: that he’s in love with him and has been for so long he has no memory of falling—so long it feels as if they have never been apart.

merle said mama tried, but the prison still won | buddie, 2.9k

“You’ve made bail, Diaz.” Eddie stands, wipes his sweaty hands off on his jeans, and clears his throat. “This isn’t even a real jail, Dwight,” he says, stepping through the makeshift cell door held open for him, and looks over at his rescuer. “Hi, Buck.”

and i feel just like i want to kiss you underneath my mistletoe | buddie, 9.3k

“So, you’re telling me,” Ravi starts in, all wide-eyed and giggly like he’s been given a secret he can’t wait to share, “that you’ve never kissed anyone under a mistletoe? Ever?” Eddie shakes his head. “Nope,” he replies, shrugs, and adds a few extra spoonfuls of sugar to Buck’s coffee before sliding it his way.

deck the halls (and your in-laws) | buddie, 29.6k

Buck sighs and knocks his forehead against Eddie’s. “You’re right,” he says, quiet, nuzzling his nose against Eddie’s and stealing another couple kisses. “Hey. We’re in this together, okay?” Eddie nods, says, “Yeah, we are,” and swallows Buck’s laughter. He wallows to his feet and pulls Buck up with him, too, before pushing Buck back on the bed to crawl over his big body for a few more kisses.

festive dividers credits <3

[ken-dom]

Ken’s First Orgasm

Ken x reader

1.1k words

Summary: Since Ken entered the real world, he’s been experiencing some… feelings (AKA a good orgasm might calm him down)

Author’s Notes: It’s smutty, it’s tongue-in-cheek, it’s a little bit silly… just take it for what it is, enjoy the Kenergy and have fun 🩷

This was my first Ken fic, originally posted to my main blog under the title 'Ken's First Time.' Due to a tagging issue on my main, I'm reposting my works here to have everything in one place.

Warnings/content: NSFW, 18+, first kiss, first orgasm, making out, dry humping, hand job, gn!reader, Ken’s self doubt and nerves (and crying)

‘I’ve been getting these… urges, like, there’s something stirring deep inside me that I can’t seem to tame,’ Ken uttered huskily, fingers toying with the hair by your ear. ‘I think it might be because I’m craving… this.’

Biting his lip, he stared deep into your eyes, the heat of his gaze dropping down to your lips before slowly leaning in.

When you followed his lead, breath quickening as you tilted your head, he faltered, pulling back with a quiet growl and balling his fists in frustration.

He had hung on your every word all day, never taking his eyes off you for a single moment. And you’d noticed the way he lit up every time you looked at him… but now, you began to wonder if you’d done something to put him off.

‘Ken?’ you breathed carefully.

‘I- I’ve never…’ he hesitated.

Oh. That’s all it was. You dipped your head to meet his sparkling eyes again.

‘You’ve never kissed anyone?’ you asked gently, lifting your palm to rest softly against his handsome cheek.

Ken cleared his throat and forced a smile. ‘I’ve tried. Lots of times.’ He lifted his chin with mock confidence, as though trying to kiss was some sort of proud accomplishment. ‘You know how it can be.’

‘It’s alright,’ you soothed, rubbing your thumb soothingly over his cheekbone. Your mind raced with what else he probably hadn’t done either, the thought causing heat to pool at your core. ‘We’ll take it at your pace.’

The silky tone of your voice and the comfort of your words made him feel… dizzy? He blinked his gaze away, blushing. Feeling it again. That pull of something deep in his gut that made him want to submit himself to… whatever it was his body was craving so much. Damn it, he really needed to just get over it and kiss you.

You smiled warmly, leaning in again with pause enough to allow him time to decide. To your delight, he pressed forward, lips crashing soft and wet against yours, and as you parted your lips to encourage his tongue, he moaned loudly into your mouth while his fingertips drove hard into the flesh at your waist.

Lost in the intensity of the moment, it was suddenly hard to remember to breathe, his needy whines and desperate grabbing clouding your thoughts, causing your legs to tremble, but eventually you pulled away, panting.

‘Wow, Ken… that was-’

‘Terrible! I mean, you… you were great. I had no idea what I was doing. I'm not made for kissing, I’m only good at Beach.’ He shook his head, frustrated. ‘I shouldn’t have- mmh!… mmm…’

You shut him up instantly, diving back for more and inadvertently pushing him to lay back on the bed. You straddled him naturally, conscious thought still lost in the haze of excitement.

‘You- you liked it?’ he breathed huskily as you pulled up to get a look at how pretty he was, breathless with anticipation beneath you.

You nodded, humming in approval. ‘And it feels like you did too,’ you smirked, grinding down against his already aching erection.

The noise he made was unearthly, a growl and a whimper and a groan and a desperate exhale all at once. The pressure he had been feeling there released ever so slightly with a small pearl of precum, affording him a moment of bliss between the aching neediness.

You stilled, worried you’d hurt him somehow, but his eyes widened revealing pupils dilated to the size of dinner plates, and you realised it had been a sound of pleasure, not pain.

‘What… was… THAT?’ he cried out breathlessly. ‘That felt incredible! Sublime! That’s it! That’s what I’ve been craving?! Do it again? Please-’

The last word tapered into a whine as you rolled your hips to grind against him again, and he flopped down onto the pillow, eyes rolling back with overwhelming sensations he couldn’t find the words for.

‘Ken?’ you asked softly, leaning down, ‘you’ve never had an orgasm before have you?’

He shook his head.

‘Do you want to?’

He couldn’t catch his breath and his reply came out as a husky whisper. ‘Will it feel like that again?’

‘Better,’ you grinned wickedly.

‘Oh fuck, yes,’ he mumbled, not even realising he’d sworn. ‘Please.’

You leaned in to kiss him again, igniting the flames inside him that had been roaring since the first time you held his hand. Ken moaned in anticipation, closing his eyes tightly, composing and preparing himself.

You rocked your hips only once more and he exploded, fists bunching the sheets while you continued to writhe against him, his back arching off the bed and tears prickling at his eyes as his orgasm tore through every fibre of his being.

It was like nothing else. How had he never so much as wondered what this would be like until he had entered the real world and discovered human feelings and thoughts… and needs.

His chest heaved as he came down from his high, lazily lifting an arm to rest over his forehead in complete surrender while he tried to claw his way back to the present, with you.

When he opened his eyes, he was met with you smiling down at him, nothing short of smug.

‘Was that- did I-?’ he stuttered.

‘You sure did,’ you panted, heart pounding and heat rushing down to keeping your own arousal simmering. God, he was a picture, mussed hair and pink cheeks and heavy eye lids.

‘Oh… oh, that was, it was-’

You chuckled, climbing off him to settle at his side, where he turned to face you.

‘Should I have… you know? Was there something I didn’t do? You didn’t…’

The concern in his eyes was endearing, but you laughed again and he relaxed. Another tear slid down his cheek as you caressed his arm tenderly.

‘Don’t worry, Ken, we have time for that. I get the feeling you’ll be great at… doing stuff. Besides, that wasn’t quite the whole thing. I’m glad it felt good, but there’s a lot more I can show you. If you want me to…’

Ken snorted a disbelieving laugh. ‘Well, good, because these urges I’ve been getting? I think they might have actually been for-’

‘Orgasms,’ you interrupted with a smirk. ‘Yeah, humans tend to get that a lot.’

‘I’m not surprised! How do you get through the day without doing that at regular intervals?’

You laughed, gently wiping the tears from his cheeks. ‘It will calm down when you’re a little more used to it. In the meantime… let’s make the most of your libido, yes?’

‘Absolutely,’ he agreed eagerly, as though the word libido meant anything at all to him. Nevertheless, he was as eager as anything for another round.

‘I’m going to start undressing you this time… if that’s alright?’ you muttered seductively, kissing at his collar bone while your fingers toyed with the buttons of his shirt.

‘Of course. You don’t have a body like mine for nothing. Well, I suppose it’s main purpose is for Beach, but-’

‘Ken?’

‘Yeah?’

You didn’t use any more words, and he suddenly lost all concept of his own thoughts when your hand slid inside his beach shorts.

‘How does this feel?’ you whispered as your fingers wrapped loosely around his thick length and pumped slowly, lightly. You didn’t want to overwhelm him too soon.

‘R-real- f-fucking- oh!- good, hnnng…’

[pedripics]

Pedri via Residency - May 28, 2024

What is something you still want to accomplish in life? - " A lot of things. I am still very young or do you already want to kill me?"

Favourite teammate at Barça? - "I am close with the group in general but Ferran"

Do you play any instruments? or would you like to learn how to play one? - "Better not for the sake of the rest of the people. I like to listen to music but not much else" Favourite series or movie? - "Mi reno de peluche and the one about chapo guzman; favourite favourite is Prison Break and La que se avecina"

Do you know anything about Armenia? - "not too much, to be honest… but recently a very nice driver took me to a shooting was from there. His name was Ara"

Favourite moment of the season? - "It wasn't the best season. On a personal level, I would say the brace."

How do you deal with criticism? - "I try to stay out of it, although it's not always possible, of course... you have to try and keep going and keep believing in yourself"

How do you feel about being able to play for Spain after such a long time? - "Very happy. I haven't been able to play for Spain for a long time. Hopefully we will have great EUROs and also a great 24/25 season with Barça"

How did you feel after the brace? - "crazyyyyy"

"I always try to stop and sign, because I remember when I asked for signatures as a kid"

Plans for the summer? - "I hope to go on vacation, but in a month and a half… that will mean that we go far in the euro with the national team"

Have you eaten German food before? - "Yesss... a member of my marketing team is German and he made us German food a long time ago, with sausages and so on"

How is your English? - "I still have to improve a lot. Give me a few months and I will answer in English"

Do you miss doing anything in your daily life? - "I can't complain. I like to live in peace"

Would you like to go to China? - "Of course, yes. Althpugh in the season there is not really time for anything and during holidays I prefer to stay close and rest. Let's see if we ever have a tour in China"

How many trophies have you won? - "With Barça, La Liga, Copa and Supercopa"

Do you feel ready for the EUROs? - "Siiii"

5 UCL Trophies or a World Cup? - "I don't want to choose. I would like to win it all"

Would you like to play against Portugal in the EUROs final? - "Sure. As long as we play in the final, I don't care against who it is"

Pele or Maradona? - "Maradona... Because he played for Barça and my father told me about him when I was younger. I remember the day he died very well because it was my 18th birthday"

Have you been to New York? - "Yes"

Favourite team to play against? - "Obviously Barça" (he did NOT understand that question lmaooo back to duolingo it is)

Visit Uruguay? You have a lot of fans here - "Ronald also told me once... We'll have to listen to him, because otherwise he gets angry"

How was it going to the Spanish GP in 2022? Are you going this year? - "It was a crazy experience. I don't think I can go this year because it clashes with the EUROs"

Do you like going to concerts? - "I haven't been to many, honestly... I have yet to go to one of Quevedo's. And last year they invited me from Spotify to see Coldplay in Barcelona but in the end I didn't go and I regretted it a little. Teammates went and they love it" (who tf turns down coldplay tickets??? 😭)

Your dad is a great person. - "The best"

How do you feel about receiving so much love? - "Very proud and privileged"

Do you want to score for Spain during the EUROs? - "Clarooo. Let's see if I can make it happen, because I haven't scored for Spain yet"

Red or blue? - "Azulgrana"

Do you like to cook? - "I'm not very good at cooking... My brother and mother are much better"

Pedri or Pedro? - "Pedri... Pedro sounds strange to me. From a young age they already called me Pedri, because there was another boy in the team whose name was Pedro and it was to differentiate us... and everyone calls me Pedri"

What do you think of Alexia, Aitana and Marta? - "They are top footballers!"

Is it difficult to have a 'normal' life? - "It's not easy, but mine doesn't change that much because I really like to be quiet and at home"

Only fish or only meat? - "I prefer meat... but for nutrition, fish"

When you were a kid did you make trouble in class? - "I was more of a quite kid"

Who do you think will win the Golden Boy award? - "Well, I hope a Barça teammate. Lamine, and if not Cubarsi"

What inspires you to perform at such a high level on the field? - "I do what I like the most"

What do you think of your season at Barça this year? - "I was saying this the other day. It hasn't been an easy season and I hope the next one will be much better in every single way and we will win titles"

Have you ever wished to have a sister? - "My mother always wanted to have a daughter, but in the end she had to settle for Fer and me hahaha"

How do you feel for the EUROs? - "Very good. Better and better"

Blue or Black? - "Blue"

[demon-country]

I've seen some meta posts and fanart about Blitz giving Stolas those "gud job" stickers he gave the little goat, and I just love all of them for so many reasons. It's such a good concept, especially in the context of a future where Stolas works for I.M.P., because I think it'd ultimately be very good for both Stolas in general and for his and Blitz's relationship.

Bear with me for a second as I go on a little tangent, but I remember seeing a post awhile back about this dnd group who had a kindergarten teacher for a DM, and she would give out stickers when the players did a good job in the game. After a little while she started to encourage them to do better outside of the game too, like showering/doing laundry more often or learning how to cook so they could take turns with her to provide the weekly meal for their group, and she would praise them when they did, which made them want to do it more often. She'd also do stuff like tell them, “we don't use autistic as an insult here, I'm very disappointed in you”, and they'd stop. And all of that worked, because they were so unused to having someone be proud of them or getting praised for good behavior.

Good job stickers are such a small reward, but both children and adults alike tend to cherish getting them and are more motivated to do well when they have tangible proof that their efforts are noticed and appreciated. If you consistently give people praise for what they do right while they're still learning, they usually take the inevitable course corrections that come with any learning curve a lot better. And when they get something really wrong and cross a line, a simple “I'm very disappointed in you” or "hey, that's really fucked up, don't say shit like that" hits much harder, and prompts them to both want to do better and to be more conscientious of their words/actions going forward in order to be told they did a good job again and get another sticker for their accomplishment of unlearning the unwanted behavior.

And literally I think that'd work so well on Stolas - and probably Blitz too, let's be real. He's starved for approval from people whose opinion he cares about and he's likely desperate to be told whether or not he's doing the right things, because he's been trying so hard to be a better person, but he's been having to do it basically entirely alone without much direction. Positive reinforcement would work so much better for people like him and Blitz than getting a tongue lashing every time they got something wrong. And I genuinely think Blitz and Stolas would want to use this method of positive reinforcement once they got started. They don't like hurting each other outside of a BDSM context, and honestly doling out praise for doing well is probably something they already used to do during/after scenes, so once Blitz gets them started with the stickers I think they'd probably fall back into it pretty naturally. Whether the others follow suit is up for debate though lol.

[dreambunnynotes]

daily reflection: nov. 16th ❤︎

good morning lovely friends! here is what i accomplished and what i could have improved today, to hold myself accountable. it was really effective for me to know that i had posted my goals list on tumblr yesterday where others could see it; whenever i felt like giving in to my adhd brain that tells me that tasks are to be feared, i would simply remember that i had kind folks online who were interested in seeing me succeed hehe, it helped me so much! here is my first day ❤︎

accomplishments:

i completed all of my cleaning goals and more! it turned into a deeper clean than i thought it would be which felt really nice (and is usually how it goes once i get cleaning). it's so lovely to be able to start fresh with a clean working and sleeping space; it's so much easier to feel inspired, be productive, and take care of yourself when your environment is as ready for you as you are for it!

i wasn't going to complete all of my texting and calling tasks, BUT I DID! these types of tasks are the hardest for me to get done because i have pretty intense social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and communicating with others both online and offline takes a lot of mental preparation and energy for me. but i did it, and i am so, so proud of myself! in fact...

self-compassion:

not only did i accomplish my original communication goals, i also ended up replying to two friends i hadn't seen in a long time, even though i was anxious! both of them were at my sister's show last night and i was so surprised to see them and a couple of other friends that i had to go have a bathroom cry from the anxiety lol. i had so many emotions coming up; the first was sadness and shame seeing that they had all come in a group together and that i wasn't with them. i joined them two seconds after i saw everyone, but the sadness was still there because i was positive they would have invited me into the group earlier if i had been less isolated this last year, which is where the guilt came in. i realized i had been isolating from my friends for so long out of fear that i wasn't wanted, didn't provide anything to them, and that maybe i didn't have people i liked being around after all, but that is so, so far from the truth; i do have friends who love me and who i love, and all of them were so loving, so kind, and actually sent me messages after the show telling me how much they loved me and how happy they were to see me! it made me cryyyy and feel so many feelings. i have plans to see them next week, and i actually feel like i'm overcoming my isolation era at long last; i'm really proud of myself for having self-compassion and using tools i've learned in therapy to better my life! :')

my next step is to learn more about and overcome this shame i have around letting my friends love me for who i am; the only way to learn more about it is to actually make plans to see friends and be vulnerable; wish me luck 😭💗

improvements to make:

as for my other tasks; i cleaned out one of my emails, but i have so many email accounts that it felt a little bit lacklustre to call that an accomplishment. today i'd like to break down how big the task of consolidating my digital life will actually be so that i can take measurable and consistent steps towards completing my goal (writing that sentence is baffling me right now - bunny from a few days ago never would have realized how much writing out her goals could help her in being less afraid of them! this feels like a huge accomplishment for my adhd brain!)

today felt like a really successful day, and i'm super proud of myself! this was only the beginning of what i actually want to accomplish in a day, but it was such a great way to try it out. i'm excited to see where this journey takes me and how these daily checklists and reflections will affect my productivity; they already have helped so much! if you've made it to the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read about my day, it means so much to me! lets try our best to have another successful day! ❤︎

[rekino2114]

Random texts they send you with p.e.g ladies

I already did this with drdt, and I liked it so I wanted to do it with more fandoms

Cassidy amber

Pro gamer gf🕷🎮❤️:my chat doesn't believe you're real

Y/n:What?

Pro gamer gf🕷🎮❤️:I was telling them that I had a partner and no one believed me

Y/n:And what am I supposed to do about that?

Pro gamer gf 🕷🎮❤️:isn't it obvious? You need to come here and prove them wrong

Y/n:cass, it's almost midnight it's a miracle I even picked up. I'm not gonna go to your house

Pro gamer gf🕷🎮❤️: come on please It's gonna be a short stream and I have pizza,soda and the sleeping schedule of a streamer on my side

Y/n:Fine but you're gonna have to cuddle me to sleep

Pro gamer gf🕷🎮❤️:of course consider it done babe

Wenona

Y/n:Hey Wenona do you know why I just received a notification that you sent 500$ to my bank account

(Not) my Sugar mommy💸💛: oh that, a few investments went well and I wanted to send some cash to you

Y/n: But don't you need that money?

(Not) my Sugar mommy: baby please that's not even a fraction of what I make in a month.

Y/n:And then you wonder why people think you're my Sugar mommy

(Not) my Sugar mommy: Can't I just spoil you once in a while? Also, what did you have me saved as in your phone again?

Y/n:touchè

Diana venicia

Beautiful beautician🦎💄💜:Y/N,Y/N,Y/N you won't believe what happened.

Y/n: oh what is it babe?

Beautiful beautician🦎💄💜:a really famous actress just entered the salon after she had a make-over she told me she loved it and that she was gonna recommend me to all her friends.

Y/n:That's amazing. I'm so proud of you, Diana

Beautiful beautician🦎💄💜: Oh no, it's not my merit. I just did my job

Y/n: Don't sell yourself short. Your makeovers are amazing, and I speak from experience

Beautiful beautician🦎💄💜:thanks so much sometimes I need the reassurance

Y/n:I'll reassure you every time I need to cause I love you

Grace madison

Hot angry golfer🏌‍♀️🐰🩵:I swear the next time I see that gremlin I'm gonna kill her

Y/n:What did toshiko do this time?

Hot angry golfer🏌‍♀️🐰🩵:she was going on about how I never do romantic stuff for you she said you're gonna break up with me if I continue

Y/n:I would never I know you're not the romantic type but I still love you

Hot angry golfer 🏌️‍♀️🐰🩵:you better not if you dare break up with me I'll kick your ass now, come over here, and I need to calm down

Y/n:sure babe

Eloise taulner

Y/n: sweetie, when were you gonna tell me that you won a tournament

Cute swordgirl🤺🦢🤍:Oh, it wasn't that important. I thought you wouldn't care

Y/n:Eloise whatever you do is important to me if you told me i would have cheered you on

Cute swordgirl🤺🦢🤍:you really would have done that?

Y/n:of course I love you and I want to celebrate all of your accomplishments.

Cute swordgirl🤺🦢🤍:thank you so much I really love you too

Eva tsunaka

Pinocchio gf🤍🖤: I would like to go on a date with you because I was feeling bored. Are you busy?

Y/n:are you lying right now?

Pinocchio gf🤍🖤:no I'm not

Y/n:but technically couldn't that also be a lie cause of your ultimate?

Pinocchio gf🤍🖤:babe we've already been through this I will only be truthful with you and i will ever lie to you

Y/n:Thanks I was just joking I'm gonna come right now

Pinocchio gf🤍🖤:ok but can you stop with that joke it was getting annoying

Y/n:that means you love it and I should continue it!

Pinocchio gf🤍🖤: can you hear me sigh through the phone?

Sorry I can't think of anything for Ingrid and I know this sucks

[muskmelon-enjoyer-199x]

self portrait except it's 2013 and they're making me take antipsychotics for being trans

unpleasantries under the cut

something I don't talk about a lot is that I used to enjoy singing when I was younger. I didn't really talk about it then because I already got enough shit. I don't really talk about it now because I don't really like singing anymore. Anytime I try to sing along with something now, i just get sad. even if I plug my ears, I can still feel it in my throat.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if my parents had actually given a shit. The difference between photos of me at 15 and 18 is so stark. They could have done something.

I haven't told them (and I probably won't), but I kind of hate them. It feels stupid sometimes, because I didn't get disowned. They didn't leave me out in the cold when it came to finances or housing. They actually want to see me sometimes, and they say they're proud of my accomplishments.

I guess the problem is that they have never been able to support me emotionally. I tell them something is wrong, and they tell me it isn't. I tell them something horrible is happening to me, and they tell me it's not that bad. I tell them somebody did something horrible to me and now I have weird recurring nightmares, and they tell me to get over it already. I almost died of something that wasn't my fault, and they were mad at me for it.

Being around them usually just feels like being around strangers nowadays. I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I wish they would just apologize so I could have some closure about what happened and get on with trying to maintain what remains of our relationship.

I posted something else about conversion therapy before, but I freaked out and deleted it.

It was about how negligent and malicious misdiagnosis are used to medicate the trans out of kids in places where outright conversion therapy is banned. They basically zombify you on tranquilizers ("mood stabilizers," "antipsychotics") that legit break your brain. It really sucks.

You end up a twitching mess with long-term sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, and trouble organizing your thoughts. Then, once the damage is done, everybody pretends that you actually were insane the whole time. If you complain or struggle in life, they just write you off as a diagnosed headcase.

It's so frustrating. I feel like I drift between being sad and angry all the time now. I watch shows I like, and they make me sad. I just think about various bad things that have happened all the time. Everything reminds me of them. I can't go a day without thinking about at least one of them. When it happens, my heart starts pounding and sometimes I hyperventilate.

I don't really like being around other people usually. I don't feel like we are the same species most of the time.

I keep feeling like im watching my day go by from inside my eyes. When I look at my hands, it's like looking at someone else's hands. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it feels like I'm looking at someone else. I've watched my reflection for hours before, trying to make it feel like me the way I rationally know it's me.

I cry in my car after work a lot. It's hard to hold it in when I'm there. Idk. It's like I can't usually cry at appropriate times anymore, or when I feel like I want to cry. It only happens occasionally, and never at an appropriate time. It just comes out of nowhere, because of a song or something dumb like that.

crybaby bullshit. Sorry. I was a crybaby before lil peep got it inked on his face

[pbandjesse]

I am just finishing up at the museum. And I'm really tired. But thankfully not in the same way that I have been the last couple days. Honestly I didn't feel amazing this morning but I got better throughout the day and just doing all right by the time I had to be at the museum this evening.

I slept okay last night. I had some very distressing dreams. And I woke up not in the best head space because of it but I didn't feel as weak and nauseous so I was emotionally in a better place.

I got washed and dressed and James made me the hash brown from yesterday but with an egg this time. And I ate downstairs before we got ready to go. I made sure I had my knitting with me and we said goodbye.

No one was there yet. Not shocked. I spent a little while just looking at emails and thinking about stuff. And figured out a few things I can accomplish tomorrow. And I would start working on my knitting and watched a video and waited for everybody else to come in.

We had a meeting at 10:00. Well it was scheduled to 10:00. And people slowly started coming in around and I was very proud of us because while we did not start attend we did only start 10 minutes late. Which for camp is amazing. And I brought my knitting so that I could focus and not look at my phone touring the entire meeting. And I think I can for a meeting that lasted 3 hours.

And I felt like it was a really productive meeting too I think one of the problems. Is that me and Sarah are not in Friends of putok so we don't go to the meetings and we don't know what has been tried and what hasn't and the problems that they're running into. So we spent a good amount of time explaining or at least having notes read to us on what they are trying to do in the future and some of the changes and improvements and things like that. And some of my suggestions were taken positively and some of them were like well there's this this and this reason we can't do it. And I felt like that was perfectly fair. And I thought that it was really good the steps that they are trying to take. But this organization is going to have the same problem that every organization has with getting young people to join. what is the benefit to them. I don't think it's appropriate for people to volunteer at a place they work at so I don't think we really should be looking to people that are staff members. There are lots of organizations that are great but it is very hard for people to justify putting the time in when they're struggling to make end meet.

But I got four squares of knitting done and I felt like it was a good conversation and I was not feeling amazing so I had to put my head down on the table a few times but we sat outside and the weather was really nice and I thought it was a good time.

I had already told them I needed to leave at 1:00 and we were wrapping up around then so I didn't rush to leave but once I felt like we were in a natural stopping place I gathered my stuff and I headed out. And honestly I timed this very well. I would stop at Hunt valley and get you poly to have half for lunch and then save the other half for dinner. And I got a salad which I didn't love the arugula textures but it's fine. I still enjoyed it.

I had that in the parking lot and then I went home and honestly got home at the perfect time because I was so tired. I would wash my face and get changed and lay down and slept until 4:30. I struggled to fall asleep at first because I kept thinking that I heard something downstairs but if it just the construction came across the street. And I would sleep pretty good honestly. I like to sleep across the bed when I take a nap and on top of all the blankets. But it was a good rest and when I woke up at 4:30 it took me a minute to gather myself but I felt okay. Better than I had felt this morning.

I still have plenty of time before I had to leave for the museum so I would take some of my zofran and had the rest of my Chipotle and laid on the couch and waited for James to come home. And when they did I was very happy to see them.

But sometimes they just get this nervous energy about them and it's just stresses me out. Stop hurrying around the room acting so distressed over very small things. Just handle what you got to handle and stop making me upset. But they calm down and everything was fine. And then I got a notification that I had new test results in and we got to find out that our little baby is going to be all. It's like 97% chance I guess but a little girl! That's so exciting. Feel very very real.

Sammy and James got to be a little excited about that and then I was giving them a hug and it was time for me to go.

I was looking forward to this event tonight. Hospitality industry professionals and just a whole lot of people and not a wedding but an event but not like a true corporate event. Like yeah it's corporate but like a little more fun. And like 500 people were coming so it was going to be a really busy night and all the galleries are open and I just was very excited. So I get there and I jumped in right away to helping Merrill with the TVs because I just learned how to put things on them so I was able to help with that and then I would go and set up my Chase for printing for the evening. I checked in with one of the event organizers and she was really jazzed about it but also like had no notes so I just got to make what I want to and everyone thought it looked great.

people start coming in about 7:15 and every single person I talk to was so great and they all loved me which was awesome. And I was feeding off that energy so I was having a great time and I haven't given a tour in months so I was a little nervous about it but people said I was super animated and had so many good facts and I was just loving printing and talking and it was just really a lovely evening. And I had more people come in than I have in a while for any gallery so it was very nice for me.

And we were in there for a really long time. Like two solid hours. I did take a 5-minute break to go eat some of the caterers focaccia bread because it's my favorite thing that they make. And I had some fruit and cheese. And then later on when they brought desserts out I would also have little tiny fried donuts with cream cheese frosting. Everything was excellent. Like zephyr is one of our best caterers but specifically tonight the food was very good.

By the end of the second hour we were just having too much fun and started making custom ones for people. I was making people's names and I made 10 prints for a company that was there this evening as part of the event and we were just having too much fun and people were making videos of me printing and I make a very funny face when I am pulling a print that I already knew I make but it is funny to see on somebody's Instagram. And I had a couple people follow me on Instagram. And it was just so fun. And then around 9:30 we started shutting down. The party's only going till 10:00 and so I turned off the lights and locked door and got one more little snack and then it was time to go.

And now I am home. A little nauseous but probably I'm just dehydrated. I'm going to take a shower and go to sleep. I got inside and gave James and sweetp hugs. Sweetp is trying to bite my feet which is very rude.

But now is time to get clean and get rest. I love you all. Sleep well. Until tomorrow!!

[expirisims]

Hello All!

So...I've been on a bit of a hiatus once again! I have been super busy in my personal life as always. I am hoping to get some play time soon, I've been really itching to open my game especially while my manuscript is still with my betas for a few more weeks. Anyway, I have some plans!

For my Sims game, I have been really wanting to make another world, or maybe more...I don't know, I'm too indecisive. I have been toying with the idea of making a roadless village type island, possibly resurrecting my old Pickerling Cove world I started ages ago and did not complete, and a new idea that ties into my real life a little bit. I started a world years ago and it corrupted so it was never completed, however, I found some of the old builds for that world from before the corruption that I have tested in game. I'm thinking of remaking the original concept and using those old builds where I can. Some of them unfortunately will be quite impossible to use because of the terrain, however, I am wanting to incorporate interiors that I am planning to make in 1/6 scale for my little one's doll town. Yes, I have an entire hidden doll city planned in our playroom...and I've been watching too much Youtube in my free time lol! Anyway, I'm thinking that building the various cafe's, apartments ect in Sim World will help me make design choices for the compartments I have planned in the window seat, coffee table and bookshelf in our playroom.

I have also started sewing some clothes for my kiddo's dolls because we have mostly rags left over from my childhood, modern Barbie clothes are simply not the same as they were when I was a kid and let's just say it's a good thing the majority of my kiddo's Ken dolls have molded on underwear! That being said, I would love to share pictures with you all, but I don't want to clutter up Simblr's with non sims stuff so I am planning to open a second page for sharing my crafts! As long as Tubmlr still exists that is.

I know this is already long, but I wanted to at least share my last played day in Redwood Harbor (from months ago) below the cut as I haven't shared pictures in a LOOOONG time! Thanks for sticking around to read this and I hope everyone is doing well! Now on to the pics!

I don't remember exactly what was going on, but I do know that Antonio is still working nights and Joanna is getting VERY pregnant so once I get back into game she may go into labor by the end of this rotation!

Woohoo! Jody has learned to walk! I'm going to be honest, the Sims toddlers wear me out so I have never really tried to get their skills accomplished until my Redwood Harbor save, lol! Quite proud of my little sims!

Looks like it was off to the winter festival the next day! Antonio works nights and Joanna is on maternity leave already...aaand of course, they left Jody to fend for himself while they went ice skating!

Left over salad it is for dinner...Joanna what are those shoes you're wearing with that outfit!!??

OMG!! Really!!?? I'm pretty sure these two are going to break up again so I'm not sure how this is going to work out!

Time for bonuses! Better luck next year Joanna, maybe you won't be on maternity for most of the next year so you can progress in your career, fingers crossed the sims in this save seem to be very fertile.

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE playing this save?

[beevean]

Anyway. Any thoughts on Mathias? :) Maybe on ships in wich he is included? :)

Wasted potential.

Which I guess makes him ripe for headcanons! :P

So I'm approaching him as "Dracula if he pretended to have morals" lol. These are my rough guidelines on how I imagine him, obv before Elisabetha fell sick.

He was your typical hypocritical Catholic man. Apparently this is not as popular of an interpretation as I thought? Fans mostly think he was already going through a crisis of faith? I don't know, his whole "how dare God hurt me after everything I did for Him!" smacks me of a fake devoted person who only pretends to believe in God in the hopes that things will go well for them. He talks a lot about God and his faith... but his principles fly out of the window when a cute sinner kneels in front of him :P also, you know, the whole alchemy studies? Not very Christian of him.

He's prone to extreme bursts of emotions. Call it flanderization, but I just couldn't resist the idea of him falling into depression once he's forced to accept that yes, Dracula is him.

He's as stubborn as a mule and very good at ignoring things that aren't convenient to him (see: how he dodged Leon's question "is this what Elisabetha would have wanted?")

He values people mostly as what they can give to him. He's trained to distinguish between knights worthy of being in his company and knights who are just there for the family honor or money.

He loves Elisabetha and Leon more than his own life, literally the only two people in the world he'd trust his life with.

He's extremely proud of his accomplishments as a tactician. Therefore he has a bit of an inflated ego about his intelligence :P

his type of man is "pretty boy who can obliterate my entire ass" lmao. not surprisingly, in my fic he mainly focuses on hector's hands and scars because for him they prove how good of a fighter he is. (he's not as attracted to the scars inflicted by his future self though hehe :))

As for the ships, well. I wouldn't even know how to explain how I fell into Mactor hell lmao. This post explains it better than I could: it's about the transient love that they both know will not last, because Mathias is doomed to become a monster and no one knows how much of him will remain in Dracula, but that doesn't erase how important that experience was for both of them. (yes your fic about Mathias asking to be scarred still lives in my head rent free why do you ask) also, crispin freeman

We didn't really think about Maac lol. In my fic Isaac hates Mathias' whole guts because he doesn't see him as Dracula and he's actually disappointed that his Lord started out as a weak, emotional human. Maybe he's just copying Dracula's blatant disdain towards his past self :P but I suppose that, if Mathias was forced to talk to him, he'd see that underneath his abrasive personality there's a boy who only wants to be loved by his Master... and maybe if they could warm up to each other, who knows?

Macula, I'm still not into it because self-cest is not my thing no matter how far you push it, but there is a valid story to be told about self-hatred evolving in self-acceptance.

Maleon, well I love that Mathias seriously expected Leon to follow him in immortality lol, man just wanted his bestie for the rest of his existence :( But I haven't seriously thought about their dynamic and what they'd like about each other.

and Malter is very underrated lmao, love the idea of these two bastards playing mental chess with each other. also, walter as foreshadowing of what mathias will become <3

[jackiewepps]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤

Oh my! This is a hard one! I have so many works. How can I pick five?I guess I can list a few, and since I can't bring myself to rank them, let's do it in cronological order, the oldest first.

Free Parenting 2015 (AO3 2016)

The story just means a lot to me. I came up with it together with a friend, and it triggered a whole series. It is obvious that this story is eight years old at this point. My understanding of the English language and the Japanese culture has developed a lot since I wrote it, but I'm still proud of what I made, even if reading the mistakes now makes me cringe, it's only because I care. That I came up with that AU and all the conflicts that would come from this setting is still beyond me.

Hotel Room Fantasies 2017

This is still my most successful one-shot ever. Of course, it is BL, so that makes sense. Still, I once again managed to pull off exactly what I wanted. My intentions with the story was that the reader should not be able to tell whether what the boys do is actually happening or if it's just something going on in Serinuma's head, and I think I accomplished that really well. I really want to say I did it to perfection, but I also don't want to praise myself too much, but oh well. The numbers speak for themselves when it comes to this story.

Ace of Chatrooms 2017

My first chat-fic and my most successful one (of two). I remember that I only wrote this story because I wanted to try and write a chat-fic, and before I knew it, I had written half the story and it wasn't about to end anytime soon. I have no understanding of English chat-language and therefore did not use it. As a result, it probably feels less realistic, but everyone can follow it easily. It also has a lot of my humor in it and it is one of the fics I will sit down to read when I feel down and need something to laugh at. I've already read it more times than I can count, and the sequal too. When the Daiya anime continues, I'll probably write the third part of this series, but I definitely need the material to base the chaos off of before I can unfold it again.

Danger Zone 2021 (Title might change)

This story is probably the most complicated one I've ever written, and not because I find the plot too complicated. It's mainly the storylines. We follow quite a few characters throughout the story and their stories are all connected, not just because they know each other, but each minor plotline has an impact on the overall story. I'm proud of how it turned out. I still call it my masterpiece. I mean, it took me two years writing it and only half a year publishing it. That part is bittersweet, but I'm proud of my work and I enjoy going back to read it.

I Will Go With You 2021-2022

So much research went into this story. I did the same when I wrote Figure Swimming, but I still did more research here. I wanted to make the snowboarding seem realistic, and I wanted all facts about Canada to be as accurate as possible. There were a few problems, as it is not known exactly where in Canada Langa is from, except they don't speak French there. But I looked into how long it would take to travel to Canada, how to get in, what kind of food is traditionally Canadian, the school system, and of course everything worth knowing about snowboarding. On top of that, I feel like I managed to flesh out my original characters really well. I still have art of Louis and Lian that I don't think made it unto any website. I also think I managed to make Langa's grandparents into more than just some stick figures, and the same with Erica. I managed to include all the scenes I had in my head and make an interesting story. The only thing I'm sad about is that even in my story Reki can't win a race. Good thing I'm playing with the idea of making a sequel to this story too.

Honorable Mentions:

Imagination (2016) because I like that I managed to come up with it and execute the idea that well.

Figure Swimming (2017) because other people tell me I got the characters' personalities really well (and it was the first work I did a lot of research for).

Dumb Luck (2022) because it marks my "dark age" of realism. I also personally think it makes sense in spite of me not using the names of the main characters of the story.

Knights and Princesses (2022) because the scene on the bridge came out just as I had intended it to.

I know I was not supposed to list this many, but with a total of 88 works on AO3, there is quite a lot to choose from. I also would have liked to mention a few more, but I guess I'll really have to stop myself at this point.

[deardesmond]

Dear Desmond,

Hi. I know this is probably awkward, I usually don't send letters like this. Or any letters for that matter, nowadays. But, since I was able to greet all the other new villagers, and you're my new coworker, it only seems fair.

So, welcome to Maple Leaf! I'm Cy, the Resident Representative, pleased to meet your acquaintance. My job is to essentially ensure life on this island is as comfortable as it can be for everyone living here. Meaning I focus on helping out villagers and renovating the island to make it more habitable overall.

I must confess, I'm a newbie to my job. I was given it because I was the only one qualified at the time, and, according to some, I've made good decisions so far. I managed to move in all the citizens you see now, and introduced the store, town hall, and museum to the island. The last two are your reason for being here, as far as I understand, so, I look forward to working together!

It may seem like a lot at first, but, we have a good community behind us and everyone is working together to make this the best experience we can. So if you need anything, or if your housing isn't to your liking, just please let me know. Don't forget to take the time to relax once in a while, this really is a lovely place.

Sincerely, Cy.

Dear coworker,

Don't concern yourself with this supposed "awkwardness". I've never felt more welcome than I did moving here. I appreciate you addressing me directly. I've heard great things about you and, if I'm being honest, I was a little nervous to meet you. This lessens the blow.

I'm Desmond, as you already know. My job will be to oversee the more technical side of things. But, to make a long story short, I'll be dealing with all your paperwork from now on. I admire what you're all doing here, and I'm certain this island's successes are in no small part thanks to you.

I must confess, I'm one as well! That is to say, while I have worked in this line of work in the past, I've never done it on such a large scale. There's no need to list off your accomplishments, I've already read about them, and been told the stories by many of the staff here. You're a local celebrity of sorts, you should be proud.

I don't doubt that, and I look forward to working with everyone. Please, feel free to come to me as well with any help you need. We're coworkers now, we should look out for each other. And don't worry, I certainly will.

Love, Desmond

------------------------------------------------------------

Desmond pulled away his paws from the typewriter, bringing them up to rest his chin. His tail swirled behind him as he considered...all of this. He was sitting at his desk in a wooden though mostly unfurnished room. Boxes lined the walls, yet to be unpacked, let alone touched. He didn't have much, but still. When one traveled so much over the years some items just stuck.

It was so much pressure, to put on one animal. Keeping others happy, his many jobs in service had taught him that wasn't as simple as one thought. Especially when it came to something as personal as someone's hometown, island in this case. Others were quick to turn and become defensive in those cases.

They felt their very homes and livelihoods were under attack. He could only imagine attempting to run a whole society of sorts encouraged that more. It wasn't as if the people here could pack up and leave so easily.

He adjusted his glasses with the wiggle of his nose. Yet, no one so far had given him that impression. When he mentioned the name Cy, there were no eye rolls, no stuck up snouts, nor subtle comments with hidden mesnings. He looked out the window, pastel blue curtains shifting in the wind as its doors lay open. The early morning sunlight was shining through and, outside, as far as the eye could see were trees. He tilted his head and let his ears fall to the side as he inspected the sunspot on the floor with narrowed eyes.

He was a long way from the city.

He carefully took the paper off the typewriter and starting folding it up. He had an envelope prepared just to the side. It had been sitting there for a while now, Cy's address fully written out. He kept it in the opposite corner of where he sat his coffee always, just in case. He could smell the rich, brewed beans from here. A gift from his father as a moving in present. It was the best he'd ever gotten and he took that as a sign.

To think he'd really been all that frightened of someone who clearly just got in over their head... that'd be him soon too.

Well, he though as he let out a huff, blowing past his whiskers, at least it will be something to talk about with him. He finished, ensuring the paper's folds were neat before finishing. We're set out to be good friends already. We have so much in common, after all.

With a sigh and a slight smile, he put the folded paper in the envelope. So it begins.

[bungacow]

Nostalgia: The Past, Present and You!

If you were born after the year 2000, you are sure to be familiar with the phrase "We did that back in my day!" coming from people a decade or two older than you. I know I've definitely gotten that line from my mom more than a few times. "So those are making a comeback huh?". "What do you kids know about (thing from the 90s or 2000s)?". It's only natural for older generations to be protective of their experiences now that almost anyone has a way to live them years later. I'm sure when I'm in my 40's I'll be a real geezer about kids wishing they were teens when TikTok was still a thing but for now I'll be rolling my eyes when a middle-aged man asks me if I know what a cassette is.

What really takes me out though is when kids my own age try and hit the old "Back in my day". What are you talking about!? It's still your day! These are your days! "Gen Alpha doesn't know what it was like to blah blah blah". Do you hear yourself? You aren't even 20 yet you sound like you're already rotting away in a retirement home! You're lucky to have the privilege of sharing your golden years in the light of the youth who have come after you. Each new generation is a gift and should be welcomed and taught, not shunned and gatekept from.

That being said, my favorite pastimes as of late have been doing things that my parents would've done when they were my age. Such as burning CD mixes, watching old TV shows, and listening to the old CDs they keep in their big black binder thingies. Even the creation of this very blog was inspired by an old man's blog from 2013. Old people are really triggered by the word "old". It's because most of them see the word as an insult, a threat to their youthful spirit. "That movie's not old! It came out when I was in high school!". The movie came out 30 years ago babes, it's old. Being old isn't a bad thing and neither is getting old. I'm lucky to have a dad who loves being old. He encourages and appreciates my love of older things and has gifted me many artifacts from his youth (Thank you once again for the Saw DVDs).

As much as I'd like to say I'm not scared of getting old and that I'm above all of those vain concerns, I'm not. I worry just as much as anyone does about my future and how I'm going to look back on myself in the next decades. Will I be proud of the things I've yet to accomplish? Will I be a bitter old crone who'll do anything for a taste of her golden years? I don't know. Nobody knows that kind of stuff. The best we get is the chance to do what we can in the now and boy do I intend to. It seems like everything I do nowadays is for my future self (Except my complete refusal to save money responsibly).

Currently, I think culture may be at a bit of a standstill as most adult-age consumers are more focused on what they used to have rather than what they do. It seems like every ad, every movie, every show is playing on some kind of nostalgia. Shit, I'm watching TV right now and they're playing Friends reruns from 20 years ago instead of making new shows with new writers and directors. In the future, I want to make a show of my own and I'm scared that I'll have to fight just to get a word in over the sounds of nostalgia dollars hitting the big exec's floors. So many people have amazing fresh new ideas that just need the time of day to take off but they're being turned away or canceled after a single season in favor of the same four shows over and over again. Getting media based on an original concept feels like winning the lottery.

I know it sounds ridiculous coming from me, the girl who just two paragraphs ago was talking about how much she loves old things, but that's the beauty of living right now. I can have everything that came before me and everything that will come after. I can watch Saw five times in a day and then watch I Saw the TV Glow. There's no law saying it has to be one or the other. New and old can coexist comfortably so long as there is a proper balance and everyone gets their fair chance. The old stuff has had its time to shine, let the new stuff get its moment in the sun before you cut it off and show the same four episodes of Frasier on loop.

Anya out. xx

[high-sun-phoenix]

17 Chez 1472

Dearest Quamas,

Hi! I miss you buddy, it's been so long since I saw you last. If memory serves, close to three? decades now? time flies, it feels like a lifetime ago.

There's so much to catch you up on, I don't know if I have enough ink with me to do it all at once. A lot can happen in 28 years. Some bad, but many good! And many more unbelievable.

I finally made it out of the underdark! It took me the majority of the time since you've been gone to do it, though, and it wasn't all by myself either. I ran across a whole variety of people, most of whom were hoping to kill me, but I found a handful who were as lost as I was! Not all of them are with me anymore, but I remember them too. Let me tell you all about it!!

It took me some 27 years of stumbling from one cavern to another, tunnel after tunnel after tunnel, to find someone who wasn't an underdark native. Her name was Cordelia. I was walking, mindlessly following a tunnel, when I heard the softest sobs from the top of this boulder in a larger cave. There she was, this scary dwarf lady who was mourning the loss of her own friends in solemn silence. She was in a lot of pain, you didn't need to know her to know how much she cared about them. Poor lady was very on edge, she must've seen some shit. I didn't get to learn much about who they were to her and what their names even were, she was pretty out of it and quietly mourning. Didn't stick around much, but she made me feel not as alone anymore, just by virtue of knowing someone else is in the same boat as me. Don't know what happened to her, she just picked a direction and disappeared down a tunnel, but I hope she made it out. I really really hope she did...

Anyway, the rest of them I ran into after Cordelia skipped out and we became friends super quick! There are three of them: - Vavřinec is the one I spend the most time with, mainly because our skillsets and interests seem to line up in the right direction most of the time. He's also the only other elf! But not the same elf as we are, he's different. We were told he's from the plane of the fey - I mean, look at that name. Funny thing is, he doesn't remember anything about it either. Mysterious! - Cyrwin is probably the most interesting person I've ever gotten to meet, and I feel thankful for having met him. He was chosen by an illithid while we were in the underdark and since then he's been paying the price. I can feel the conflict behind his deadly eyes - all four of them! I would love to pick his brain more, I think we can both learn a ton from each other. - Ukamar is the last and also the biggest one of the bunch. A tribe of giants raised him in the underdark, so a lot of his abilities were limited when we ran into him, but he's come a very long way since! I'm very proud of him, he has a lot of potential still. Cyrwin legally adopted him not long ago, so they're technically father and son haha.

They've been my family away from Weirglen. I've only known them for a handful of months but already trust them all with my life. I wouldn't have been able to get outta the caves without them, wouldn't have found the Codex Terragnosis, wouldn't have been granted my most sacred of titles. I really do owe them an inconceivable amount of our recent accomplishments, and oh how grand they are! I only wish you were here to hear the tales of them.

Long story short, not long after meeting them, we found ourselves on the shores of a vast underground ocean, called the Sunless Sea. Thanks to you and Valna, I got to making a boat for us and we were sailing before we knew it. We must've been on the water for weeks, if not months, and it wasn't a relaxing journey either. The dark seems darker and lonelier when you're afloat and directionless... Anyway, along the way we happened upon a lone Kuo-toa (some abomination of a fish person) who called himself Shuushar and claimed he could "just feel where we need to go, man", and the crazy thing is that he was totally right!! He taught me sailing and navigation, and took us to his home village - which then promptly got demolished by a demogorgon, killing everyone and leveling it to the ground - before we got to run away and set sail again. I saw Cyrwin's faith shine very bright that day. He asked, and Mystra delivered, an Angel to guard her chosen while he escaped. I never believed much, but he makes me feel a different way about divinity, I can't describe it. Anyway.

Remember the mountain dwarves that lived in the Earthfast? I never thought I'd say this, but they are like angels compared to the dwarves we ran into in the underdark! They lived in a city they called Gracklstugh and kept their forges warm by the power of an imprisoned red dragon. The stuff of the legends, they were, some could control the world around them just by their minds. We just kinda found our way to their docks, made some trade and hired a caravan to escort us back to the top. Not after stealing the dragon's egg first though!! I have no idea why we felt compelled to do it haha but the feeling of getting away with it really is something I've never gotten to feel again since.

Our point of exit out of the underdark was somewhere in the western parts of Faerun and we never strayed that far. We sold the egg to one of the churches of Elturgard and got a couple dozen thousand gold and a large plot of land in return, which we then built into a small settlement that we named Everspring! I took inspiration from the fountain at home and made a few ever-flowing hotsprings around the keep, hence the name. Then I took a few months off and paid a visit back home. I wish you were here, bud, Weirdglen just isn't the same without you... Your parents and Valna really miss you, but I'm sure you've gotten to talk to them as well. She's helped name a tree in your memory, you know! But I'm sorry that I took so long to reach out, I really am; but I'm glad we are here now.

Anyway, when I got back, I found a tree that had awakened and was patrolling some area around our forest. He didn't wanna talk, but he showed us the way we were meant to go: further in. He led us to a cave that was home to an impossibly ancient creature, one made of time and history itself, a crystalline dragon, the Keeper of Time - Adodatus. It was with his blessing that I came to be the guardian of the Codex Terragnosis, and oh what an honour that was. But alas, there were more important matters to which we were needed to attend.

We found ourselves involved in some politics, and made our way to the great city of Baldur's Gate, and it was awestriking! I had never seen that many buildings sprawling so close next to each other, not even in Tsurlagol! Truly one of the most magnificent sights of my travels. It was a shame that we witnessed an assassination and uncovered a large cult operation under all that glory. We infiltrated their lair and a ruthless battle ensued. By the power that was entrusted with me, I invoked the wisdom of the Codex and asked for the Hierophant Prithviraña to find their way to our world through my vessel - and with that I was transformed into a legendary creature: a Phoenix. With their guidance, I rid Baldur's Gate of the cultists, left them as a lesson to be remembered, and found my peace in Candlekeep. This duty earned me a title that was assigned to me millennia ago, the greatest honour of my existence, but it came at a price far greater than I anticipated and the tome was taken away from my custody to be kept safer. Though I still feel its power surging within me for another tenday or so.

It was at Candlekeep that we were informed of the severity of our situation: the Elturian capital city of Elturel, along with all of its population, had entirely vanished and been replaced by a wasteland crawling with undead. The great mage Silvera informed us that the city had descended into the hells - the deserts of Avernus, to be exact - and we took it upon ourselves to attempt to rescue it. In the meantime, though, our predicament provided us with most unique of opportunities: V found himself as the next highest nobleman in line to the throne and was thus crowned High Rider, and Cyrwin as the holiest man of the realm was granted the title of High Observer. With newfound determination and purpose, we set aside caution and left the comfort of the Material plane.

Quamas, this is where we meet near the present time, and dearest friend it is painful beyond imagination. I don't know if your 13 years seniority was ever spent outside of our Gray Forest, let alone any of Elturgard, but believe me when I say the beauty is entirely replaced by pain. Of that of humanoidkind and other life forms alike. Peace is as rare as a stoic Weirwood in the Anauroch, water far more scarce than an elk swimming in the Dragon Reach. We haven't been here two tendays and I long for a living tree. I turned 147 some three days ago, the 28th I've celebrated without you, but this has still been far more grim and lonely than any of the last ones. Cyrwin's faith lights up our days and warms up our nights, and I'm still struggling to grasp it completely, but I do hope whoever watches us will lend a hand. You know, we shared a vision several days ago, by means of an artifact we retrieved from the most blighted of places I've ever entered, Torm's holy helm hidden in the hollows of a corrupted cemetery. I was shown the greatness of Bhaator, and assumed my place through the eyes of the Angel Hayyil of Mt. Celestia. It was there that I saw the grand general Akhazriel find Hayyil, thousands of years before even our ancestors were alive, grasped the sides of his face and spoke to him, through him, to me. He called me by my name, Ae'lar, and dubbed me the High Sun Phoenix. I can't help but feel so small and humble, but so... doubtful and overwhelmed. I don't know if I believe enough to pray, but how does one deny a minor miracle like this? I know if there's anyone to accomplish what we've set out to do, it's us: the Sunless Sailors, but is this a task meant to be accomplished by anyone?

You know, we ran into a bed of Gricks earlier today, deep under the sewers, a mother and dozens of hatchlings. Where they were was truly inaccessible to most anyone else, and yet there we were, having sought passage through their home. They were of little hindrance, but my friends slaughtered them all. Mother and hatchling alike. I hurt for them, Quamas, they were survivors just like us, so far removed from their terrain of comfort, and yet we saw ourselves superior enough to relieve them of their survival. They weren't hunters, mere scavengers, and we entered their den like any other prey they'd encountered. We could have ran, but we chose to not leave them be, and I cannot come to terms with our cruelty. What gave us the right to do what we did to them, how could they have understood? This city, this whole plane; I miss you dearly but am I glad you don't have to experience this. The suffering changes people.

We were meant to infiltrate Helm's Shieldhall today, a strategic location that acted as the stronghold for many corrupted knights, and we failed to do that too. I almost lost all of my friends, I almost lost myself. Each of them did their absolute best to get my unresponsive ragdoll to safety. Ukamar sacrificed a decade and a half of his post-mortem peace in a fiendish deal most unfavourable just to save us. I feel undeserving but responsible all the same. We lost a lot in this skirmish, and it was hours ago, and all we accomplished was arming our enemy with means of committing more atrocities. This is unacceptable and we must go back.

Quamas, remember the game we used to play back near the outskirts of Lyrabar? Where we used to go and see who can run the farthest in the bog by the edge of the woods? It was always Erdan'n who came in first, you second, Xanaphie third, and the rest of us would barely make it a few steps. Oh, how simple the times were! Well, I've been thinking, Quamas, and I think I might be able to do something like it. I can try, anyway. If I can summon the bog, or at least create one similar enough, I might be able to make them play our game! I've been thinking a lot and I think I could do it. Maybe the fey spirits of our Forest could lend a hand to me as well...

Dearest friend, the night grows long and my drinks are drying up all the same as my tears, with a long long day ahead come tomorrow morning. I miss you dearly, and know that no matter where you are, your bright smile illuminates my every step. I love you dearly, and hope to see you soon one day.

Yours truly and eternally, Ae'lar Eren-aeth 17 Chez 1472

[litterednglitter]

How to get away with it.

Not too long ago, I came across one of my old thesis papers. It was for my lit class in my 1st year in "college" (Heald College). We all know the story there so let's not get into it. Anyways, the assignment was to write anything we wanted. Some of my fellow classmates who be hilarious to write papers about Surprise! Surprise! Murder, sex, and life plans. etc. the list goes on from there. One even went so far as to write about how Aliens are real and another about how Hitler died of old age, not suicide. Lol, my two best friends for the rest of the year after we had turned in our papers. I wrote something a little out there too. How to get away with it. I left everything else open-ended. Well, technically I wrote a paper on how to be a crime lord. But you can't expect me to share all my secrets with you. right? The paper that I still hold on to this very day. Nobody really knows about it. Not my family, my friends, NOT A DAM SOUL! and that's how it will be kept. Unless something happens. But I won't get into those details that's for me to keep to myself.

I wrote the paper because during this time. I did a couple of things in life I'm not proud of. But when you are homeless there are no options. It's either warm or cold, hungry or full, safe or not. When you are living the in the streets like I once was those are the circumstances that you have to deal with. I'm a visual learner. I don't need to learn the hard way to get what happens next or the outcome. Human nature is a funny thing. What separates us from them is that people like us go against human nature. People like us stay out of prison. People like us don't even make it to the person of interest list.

Law 1: This law is the most crucial! CHECK YOURSELF! If you are about to do some shady stuff to survive out in the streets, you have to learn how to control your emotions. You have no idea how many times I saw people get caught up because they break their normal routine. From the days leading up to it and the days after. Control yourself. This by far would be the hardest to accomplish. They can see the guilt on your face and your actions. by you leaving town and ghosting people...yeah that's not normal! and you are not helping your case. You cannot move forward unless this law has been mastered.

Law 2: Shut the fuck up! Don't tell a dammed soul! The act that you are committing is between you, the victim, and God. The min that you open your mouth to anybody it will be only a matter of time before someone turns you in for that reward money. (if its offered) If there is any advice to give you it would be this. A friend today can be an enemy tomorrow. Watch what you say.

Law 3: Reputation is key. It's all making someone second-guessing the actions you are being accused of. If your reputation is already fucked, then you will always be on someone's radar. Watch where you step. It can be the difference between freedom and a life sentence.

Law 4: Electronics can be a God send or a curse. Either learn to live without them or manipulate them. Law 2 comes into play. You have to be careful. Everything can tell a story. Your credit cards, your cell phone data, the ring on people's porches, traffic cams, etc. Keep cash on hand and a burner phone do not use it more than 2xs.

Law 5: Know your environment. This is an important skill to learn. Know your street corners, get to know your neighbors, and know every inch of your hood. Be highly visible in your neighborhood and keep that routine alive you never know what can change overnight. Believe me, living close to the bay area. I've seen everything change in just a short period of time.

Law 6: Never return the scene! What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't believe I even have to say this but here we are. Do not go back! Just don't do it! Especially if it breaks your routine. This also means do not dump your scene in your regular routine either. Pick your hunting grounds and dumping sites wisely. If you break this rule you're going to draw attention to the actions that take place. Too many scenes in one area can draw attention to reinforcements that the US has to offer. Once they get involved you might get caught up.

I'm not going to tell you the rest...mainly because I do not want to be responsible for any crime you will most likely comment. These 6 laws are common sense.

[pbandjesse]

I wish today was longer because honestly I had a great day off. Beyond feeling a little unwell at times I just had a really nice time and I got a lot done and I spent time outside and it was a good day. I miss James but they're on their way home and will be here in a few hours. I just wish I had more time. That's all.

Last night I felt terrible. Everything was terrible I felt awful my body hurt I was not having a good time. When I woke up at 6:00 I did not feel much better. But I was a little more comfortable. My leg still hurt but it wasn't as excruciating. And I was able to fall back asleep until a little after 9:00.

Sweetp was being such a good boy and did not wake me up at all. And when I woke up my neck did not hurt as much and I was in a better mood. My brother had texted me some really encouraging stuff about my art and that felt really nice. And I got up and I started to get ready for the day.

I felt ugly and disgusting. I did not like my original outfit my hair felt bad my face felt bad. I was not doing great but I had to not focus on myself because I had stuff to do. And I would spend from 10:00 a.m. this morning until 2:00 p.m. working on my PowerPoint for camp. It's 52 slides long. And I'm very proud of it.

I started by getting a snack. I had the rest of my guac from yesterday and half of a brownie for breakfast. And I got into laying out this PowerPoint. I have a lot of trouble with blank pages. I've always found it incredibly difficult to start when there's nothing on the page. So I've always been big into just copying pasting something I've already done and adding to and deleting from there. And that worked really well in my favor today. I would copy and paste things from my original document or move things around I was using the clipart from the handouts that there was some consistency and style. And I would copy a slide to the next slide and then just delete the text but have the format. And I was really happy with it and about 2 hours in I was really seeing the progress. There was some research and some image gathering and some layout issues that I was dealing with but I was figuring it out. And it was just really good I was really in a great place.

I took a break for a few minutes and vacuumed to the apartment. I made some soda and I had a good little lay down just to stretch out my back but I didn't want to stop because I was afraid that if I stopped I would lose all motivation. So I jumped right back into it.

And I worked until around 2:00. I did three sections that this PowerPoint is going to take care of. The intro which explains what each program section is has the rules and maps of camp. And then I have my lead section which is about fiber. It used to be called cordage but I decided that fiber makes more sense. And then ends with my quizzo section which honestly took a really long time to copy and paste because I'm not entirely sure how to do animations like old school PowerPoint animations. So instead I did two slides with one having the questions and then the second one having the answer circled. Which I think essentially does the same thing.

I am shocked how focused I was. What really helped me was I found a 4-hour YouTube video to put on to listen to. So I never had to change videos and it was about a book and I love breakdowns of books that I've never read. So this was perfect. And it was a terrible book and the person was making fun of it so that was just funny as well. So I was having a great day.

And once I realized I was basically done this PowerPoint I was thrilled. I was so happy and I felt like I accomplished so much. My goal was to spend one hour a day every day of August until it was done. But I missed Friday and yesterday so I felt like I had to make up for it and I made up for it with a whole extra hour so I'm really proud of myself.

I was feeling really good after that and I decided that I needed to take another shower. And so I took a shower and I had made a conditioner with my blue hair dye in it to just keep my hair looking a little bit more fresh than it has been. I did accidentally spill it all over the tub and then was very frustrated this morning but it was okay. I took my shower and I washed my hair and I felt really good.

I got changed into a different dress and I felt much better about myself. And then I decided that I should go for a walk and knit outside.

First I would go to the Parker across the street but very quickly realized there are no benches there. I don't know why. I feel like there used to be. I know there wasn't many but there seems to only be one picnic table which is up by the bocce ball court. So I kept walking and went towards the Park ave fountain parks.

I had better luck there. I found a bench that wasn't disgusting and sat by the fountain and I knit for about half an hour. Until I got too hot in the sun. I texted James and they were very worried about if I was wearing sunscreen but I was. But I still wanted to get out of the sun because I was too hot.

I decided that I would go and have a late lunch early dinner at brass tap. And so I walked over there and on the walk there I encountered many lantern flies which I have not seen much of so I was chasing them around stomping on them. Because you're supposed to kill them. And I'm sure I looked insane to the drivers going past. I did not run into traffic but I almost did chasing one. I did also come across a bunch of killed ones already. I don't know why they're getting bad again but maybe it's the weather.

I got to brass tap and it was too loud in there. It's always too loud in there. The music is entirely too loud there was only 10 people. Why is it screaming It's 3:30 in the afternoon. But I sat in the window seats and I worked on my knitting and got a sandwich and a soda and the waiter was very nice even though it was too loud to really have a conversation with him. I finished one whole square and started another one. I wasn't in any rush and it was just nice.

After I finished eating I decided to go for a walk and continued walking in the big circle from our apartment to Mount Washington to the armory and back to our apartment. I stopped at the little park across from the Mount Royal train station and sat there on the cement benches that I enjoy. And I knit there until around 5:00. I was starting to get hot and my phone only had 40% battery so I knew it was time to go home.

I did enjoy sitting there and listening to music and knitting and watching the world go by. Not a ton of foot traffic but I still had a good time. And then I walked home. I took a different way than I normally do so I could go past the nursery and all the nice old houses over there and admired there flowers and the yards. And soon I was walking up to my house.

And all of a sudden I was incredibly hot. Just shaky and uncomfortable and overheated. It was like my body weighted until I was home to fall apart. I immediately had draw a cold bath and lay down in it for 45 minutes because I was delirious and shaking. It was horrible. I don't know where it came from but it was not fun. And once I did cool down I didn't join my bath. As soon as I got in the bath I put on when dagoon's video on blood meridian. I had tried to read blood meridian this spring when he first put the video out but I got to the one part with the fortune tellers and I just couldn't do it anymore. It's just so heavy. I need someone to walk me through it. And his video is 5 and 1/2 hours long so I realized if I put it on then by the time it was done James would be coming home because the plan is for them to be home around 10:00.

And so I have been watching their video and knitting and fixing things and working on drawings. I did the drawing for my BMI sticker pack and I made the walrus sticker for Jorge that I promised. And I miss James deeply but it's been a really nice night and I love being alone sometimes. I've always loved my alone time I feel like I can jump from thing to thing and not feel judged and I can walk around and not feel anxious like I sometimes do. So I just enjoyed my evening and now I will wait for my husband to return from sports.

Tomorrow James is coming with me to camp and then we will leave early for my doctor's appointment. I hope that it is a beautiful day. It's raining right now and it seems like this week is going to be very damp. But I'm not that worried. I have positive feelings right now and I'm hoping to continue to carry those on. I hope that you are all wonderful and taking care of each other. Sleep well and stay safe. Until next time.