#because guess who’s functioning is being impaired?

[ciasteczka]

You’d think that if dry retching was part of your morning routine you’d be exempt from attending school but noooo

[xavieryaa]

The Reddit Blackout, #196, And Being New to Tumblr

okay i've seen a lot of people in the past ~24 hours or so confused by everything going on with Reddit & Tumblr from both sides - people new to tumblr who don't know how to use it, and tumblr users who don't know what's going on with reddit and why many of its users have joined up here i know this isn't really related to my blog but fun fact about me: i was up until recently a very active reddit user and even mod a subreddit, but I've also been on tumblr for about 3 years now on different accounts, so I think I can see pretty well from both sides of this and explain what's going on this post will be split in 2 sections: what happened with reddit (and what #196 means), and a guide for new users

1. What The Hell Is Going On With Reddit?

The thing that's caused all this ruckus is a major change to Reddit's API, which is what Reddit provides to people so they can pull directly from Reddit to make third-party apps or tools.

The change is that Reddit is changing its previously free API to be paid. Which on its own kinda sucks for developers, but it's not unexpected. They need to make money somehow, right?

The problem is that the API pricing is WAY TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE. The developer of the most popular 3rd party Reddit app, Apollo, says it will cost him $20 million a year to continue running the app as normal.

Essentially, this pricing forces almost everything third-party to shut down, which causes 3 major problems:

Third-party apps cannot keep running, which sucks for normal users because Reddit's official app is awful. It's slow, its video player is a thing of nightmares, it doesn't have many useful features third-party developers have made.

It sucks even more for visually impaired users because they can't use the official Reddit app at all. Reddit's official app does not work with iOS's native text-to-speech function. Third party apps, on the other hand, often do. So Reddit is forcing blind users away.

Third-party moderator tools cannot keep running, which sucks for moderators because many rely on these tools to properly moderate their subreddits. And moderators are often necessary, because without them subreddits get banned and hate speech and even CSA can often run rampant.

So you see why this change is bad.

Reddit users were PISSED.

So over the past week and a half or so, they have been working on organizing a site-wide blackout. The majority of the most active subreddits have now gone private. Some are only doing it for 48 hours, others (such as r/196) are doing it indefinitely.

That's why you can't access most of Reddit right now, and that's why many users have come here.

You're probably still wondering, though - what is this #196?

Well, as you may guess, it's connected to that subreddit r/196 I just mentioned. r/196 is a subreddit which only has one rule: every time you visit, you must post before you leave.

That's it, that's the subreddit.

The thing about r/196 that set it apart from most other subreddits - and what lends the subreddit's users perfectly to Tumblr - is that it was dominated by queer and leftist users.

So now they've come here and set up shop in #196 and r/196 so they can continue their merry little shitposting.

There's a ton of lore related to r/196, actually, but this is already a long tumblr post and quite frankly I cannot be bothered to write about it at the moment.

2. I'm Here From Reddit, What Now?

Hello there, random new user. As a double-citizen of Reddit and Tumblr, let me show you around this place.

First off, there are some other people who are better at explaining that I am who have made some really helpful things. Watch this Strange Aeons video as a guide to Tumblr culture and functionality and read this post which directly compares Reddit and Tumblr.

Assuming you've done that, here's some additional advice of my own:

Do you miss sorting subreddits by top of all time/the year/the month? Well, you can do something very similar with tags! If you go to a tag at the top of the screen you can select top, and then at the dropdown that says "all time" you can select different time periods! Even 6 months, which Reddit hasn't ever had.

Tumblr has a lot of cool customization features! Even outside your icon/banner/bio, you can change you blog colors and on desktop you can have an html theme (which has its own thriving community here). That customization is part of what sets Tumblr apart from everywhere else - I think you'll enjoy playing with it.

Notes will probably confuse you at first. Unlike the different numbers for upvotes and comments, notes combines the total number of likes, reblogs, and replies into the same number.

Outside of organizing your own blog, when making your own posts tags are what help other people find your post. Use them! But don't abuse them, because then people will just block you.

There are three ways of people finding your post: if someone follows you, if someone follows the tag(s) assigned to your post, and if someone is just scrolling through the tag(s) assigned to your post (and also the secret 4th way no one uses, which is finding it on the trending page, but even if people did use it no one will find your post initially that way)

tumblr is no longer The Discourse Website. And unlike what Reddit wants you to believe for some reason, it is very much alive still. Most of the people seeking fights have moved to Twitter (though some have also moved back here again). You will not get any brownie points for being a dipshit like you do on some subreddits.

So there, welcome to the hellsite (affectionate), you'll pick up on all the in-jokes eventually, for now just try not to be a nuisance and soon enough this'll be your new internet home.

[headspace-hotel]

How am I going to work for a living when being around other people, moving between different environments and expectations, or being exposed to noise for more than 3-4 hours a day makes me so exhausted it's challenging to perform basic self-care tasks, and pushing past that makes this condition worse, and doing that frequently creates long-term spillover that impairs my functioning for a much longer period

The psychologist who diagnosed me with autism insisted that I could become desensitized to noise through exposure, but it's been almost 10 years and I've never been able to increase my tolerance to stimuli even temporarily, only dramatically decrease it through, I guess, the cumulative effect of exhaustion.

The last semester in school I was having anxiety attacks every single day the first week, and from there I just...limped. I never got to the point where I felt okay and could think beyond just surviving the next day.

I would go to work and basically just, screw around hoping I wasn't in the way too much, because I could not move myself to think on the level of problem-solving and work on projects I wanted to accomplish, I was just too exhausted. I didn't meet any new friends. I didn't go to a single non-required event, even though I wanted to. My mom would ask me if I was enjoying my classes and I would be like..."I don't know." I was often too tired even to play Minecraft.

And I didn't read or write any fiction, even though my love of doing so used to be the fundamental part of my identity.

I kept getting extremely dehydrated and having scary symptoms and being unable to figure out what was wrong. I remember feeling certain that I was starting to get sick/run a fever at many different points throughout the semester, and then I would keep going and feel like 10% better and after a few days it would be clear that I wasn't sick and I wasn't going to become sick nor would I get significantly better quickly. I was sleeping a LOT—like I would be too tired to stay awake by 11:30pm, which is seriously unusual for me and usually means I'm getting sick, and yet I overslept my classes more times than I could count. I felt sure I had some sort of infection or something for the last couple weeks, and then when I came home for the holidays, everything just... cleared up. Still not sure if it was the dehydration or what.

Also, my menstrual period went irregular again??

[markcoatney]

It’s 2023 and Texas has elected an all-Republican Supreme Court that is now asserting in a written opinion that the judiciary shouldn’t be deciding reproductive rights questions because such questions should be left to medical experts, at the exact same time that it is second-guessing a real, live medical expert and granting to itself the sole power to decide which acute medical conditions are life-threatening and which are just jolly good fun. It’s 2023, and Ken Paxton is accusing the pregnant mother of two children, who desperately wants more children, of being untruthful with the courts, while he terrorizes her physician and the hospitals at which she has admitting privileges. What is “substantial impairment of a major bodily function” if not the impairment of future childbirth? The only way Kate Cox can persuade a bunch of elected judges and lawyers (who have never met her and don’t care about her health or her reproductive future) that she should be allowed to end an excruciating, doomed pregnancy is by either: 1) dying; or 2) having a physician certify that she will die without treatment. And this macabre pretzel is what we are advised is definitionally “pro-life.”

SCOTUS, abortion

[gavin-reed-is-gay]

I’ll be honest. While I do understand why the reverse au’s are so popular, being a fan of them myself, I find it hard to get invested in it besides art because, to me, the dynamics of Connor and Hank and Gavin and Nines don’t feel the same when swapped around.

Take Connor and Hank.

In canon, Hank is a grumpy, lonely android hating alcoholic. In the reverse au, Hank obviously can’t have that personality as an android so he’d have to have Connor’s personality but then he’s not Hank anymore. Sure he has his face, body etc but that’s it.

The Hank that we know stops being that Hank once he becomes an android. Android Hank is basically what Hank could have been before Cole’s accident but that’s it.

And then there’s Connor. In the reverse au, for the dynamic to be the same as its canon counterpart, Connor would have to hate androids. What reason would he have to hate them? I guess Cole could be Connor’s son in the au since Connor is modeled after someone in this 30’s so it’s not far fetched for him to have a son but what about his personality?

Connor in the reverse au’s is mostly characterised as another Hank. He’s a loner who either smokes or drinks, has terrible fashion sense and never sleeps properly but then that’s just the same problem all over again.

This Connor is nothing like the Connor we know. In reality, human Connor wouldn’t be another Hank and would be more like his canon self which is focused, wants to complete his missions/tasks, would show up to work on time, most likely wouldn’t engage in substances that could impair his body/functions etc.

Reed900 reverse au is also another example.

As we all know, Gavin’s main defining trait in dbh is that he hates androids. In a reverse au, to be consistent with his personality, he’d either have to hate his own kind, which makes no sense or he’d have to hate humans, which also doesn’t work cause what would be his position in the au?

He could be a police android but if hates humans, he’d escape first chance he got and never look back which negates the reed900 aspect as Gavin wouldn’t want anything to do with Nines.

Gavin could also be an android sent by Cyberlife but again, he wouldn’t be designed to hate humans, his creators, straight off the bat.

He could hate them over time but if the appeal of Gavin’s character is that he learns to not hate androids because of being exposed to one (ex. Nines) then what would be the point of reverse Gavin not hating humans, hating them and then not hating them again?

Also if Gavin was hostile towards humans, there’s no way that they wouldn’t destroy him first chance they got. Gavin can’t hate humans but then be a police android/android sent by Cyberlife.

Tbf, Nines still works as his personality is pretty versatile. He can still be his serious, threatening, no-nonsense self as a human but since an integral part of r9 is that Nines is an android and Gavin hates them, that means that Nines would have to hate androids for it to work and Nines could but then either Gavin would have to hate humans, which we’ve established he can’t because it just wouldn’t work or Gavin would have to not hate them, which also doesn’t work if you want his personality to stay consistent.

In the reverse au’s, the characters don’t really stay as they are and their positions are swapped. In the reverse au’s, everything is swapped, even their personalities. The only thing that mostly stays consistent is their ages.

Again, while I do like the reverse au’s, I don’t really engage with most of them, besides the occasional funny/pretty art because they just don’t feel the same. If their personalities could work in the au, the dynamics would definitely be better.

[flowercrowncrip]

not going to ask for your personal experience, because i respect your privacy & dont want any fetishists to be gross to or about you... but do you have any resources on what it's like to be incontinent/need incontinence products written by someone who actually uses them? im writing a character who uses them & i dont want to make any incorrect assumptions or accidentally include anything disrespectful.

i also understand if you simply ignore this ask, i know youve dealt with a lot of disgusting disrespectful people & i dont want to draw them to your blog just by mentioning incontinence. have a wonderful day (& enjoy your comfy chair when it arrives!)

I’m afraid I don’t have any resources to hand. I would recommend looking up different types of incontinence and considering the severity of a person’s incontinence. Having small leaks when you laugh or sneeze will be different experience from having your whole bladder empty completely. And bowel incontinence is different again.

I think sensitivity is important in how incontinence is written about. For me factual inaccuracy is much more forgivable than using incontinence as a shorthand for dependence, or to imply a person has a poor quality of life or is dirty/ unclean. It’s worth remembering that incontinence is part of everyday life for so many people and people often use the products that work for them and barely think twice about it.

My own experiences are below:

I experience what’s usually called “functional incontinence” which is where a person’s bladder is okay, but their disability prevents them from accessing a toilet on time. In my case that’s because of severe mobility impairment and a lack of (well maintained) changing places toilets, but it can also be because someone has cognitive issues which prevent them from being able to get to the toilet on time. When I’m at home I don’t need to use pads because I have quick access to all the equipment I need. But when I leave the house for any length of time I need to wear a pad (technically a nappy I guess but I prefer to call them pads) because when there’s no changing places toilet with working hoist and changing table my bladder will give in eventually. I also experience bowel incontinence if my gastrointestinal disorder is playing up and there’s no toilet I can use on time.

It’s more of an issue for me in the summer when I have to drink more water – even the best most absorbent pads can only hold so much. Using incontinence products means I can stay out more than a couple of hours but don’t mean I can stay out indefinitely unless there’s somewhere private with an adult changing table and hoist. Some people who need pads changing but not hoists might have to resort to lying on the bathroom floor which is pretty unpleasant.

Sitting in used pads for long periods of time isn’t advisable and can lead to moisture lesions, infections, make pressure sores more likely and other issues as well as being not nice. But lack of changing tables for adults mean that it’s a common experience for a lot of disabled people

[dissociacrip]

this is okay to rb i think, especially if you have anything to add or any insight. idk. i'm tagging this the way that i am because i'm seeking community/connection(tm) or something

hypotonia is not like. a rare thing. not really. but i do remember my OT googling what it was.

low muscle tone/hypotonia may technically be a symptom rather than a diagnosis (barring benign congenital hypotonia, which afaik is controversial) but it's the closest thing to a "diagnosis" i've been given for some of this stuff because the potential cause of it hasn't been investigated and i guess it's not exactly urgent since my particular case isn't severe and doesn't seem progressive (hypotonia can be progressive & is involved in some progressive and degenerative conditions.)

but i wish it was talked about more and i wish more was known about it works and how it affects bodily function and i wish what we DO know about it was more accessible to the public when it comes to those who suffer from it. it's also kinda hard whether to KNOW you have it or not since its "signs" have so much overlap with other conditions that aren't related to muscle tone. it ranges a lot in severity too. and there's two different types (central and peripheral.) it's linked to dozens of diagnoses too which is why i say it's not uncommon.

but also i guess due to the complexity of how it affects the body and its lack of distinctiveness with most of its symptoms makes it kinda...hard to talk about? and i imagine w/ some people it's hard to distinguish the effects of hypotonia vs. their other problems. issues with chewing, writing, breathing, speaking, posture, coordination, etc. can be due to so many different things ranging from mental to physical. but it's not always something that can be lumped together w/ those other things because there's "my muscles don't work" in a terms of chronic muscular pain vs. "my muscles don't work" in terms of, like, they lack the ability to adequately support the body and bodily movement. if that makes any sense.

which ranges from someone like me where having to hold myself up sucks + mild motor skill/coordination impairments and mild developmental milestone delays, but others never meet those milestones or need assistance with things like breathing and ingesting food.

it's not a diagnosis but it can affect the body in complex ways like muscle shortening and stiffness due to our bodies having to compensate in weird ways for the lack of adequate tone (esp those of us who grew up with it), tibial torsion and femoral anteversion, flatfoot and knock-knees, reduced cervical lordosis sometimes leading to bruxism and occipital headaches, etc. PT centered around muscle strengthening to correct my "improper" movement and stuff.

and there's other stuff that can come with it that people like to consider """gross""" like drooling, constipation and other gastric, and pelvic floor dysfunction which can result in incontinence/problems with bladder control. muscles are involved in a lot of things. wild.

i'm rambling but i just wish more people talked about it. all i really have is that one interview that surestep did with meagan veracha, who has hypotonic cerebral palsy, about living with hypotonia as an adult.

maybe i wouldn't care all that much if i had a diagnosis that would "explain it" but "i might have gHSD/hEDS" doesn't rly do that for me because ppl in those communities obviously focus a lot on the joint dysfunction aspect (because those 2 conditions center around hypermobile joints so that's just natural, it's not a bad thing per-se, barring other problems that those communities have) but for me my case of symptomatic generalized hypermobility is secondary in how it impacts me vs. my muscles being bad at their job and my hypermobility might even be secondary to my hypotonia anyway.

dyspraxia/DCD (some people with it have hypotonia but not all - i thought i had it before i was told i was identified as having hypotonia when i was a kid...over two decades late) is another guess but again that centers more around coordination than things like "anything other than lying in bed is hard on me because my muscles don't support my body like they're supposed to."

maybe muscle tone is a complex medical concept that shouldn't really enter the public lexicon but i have no other language for it.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hello - it's John again, anon who asked about the blackout stuff

I had another question and an update

We did find the alter, and she is a new split, and is a trauma holder, I didn't know it at the time I had sent the ask but one of our abusers tried to contact us (went looking in our notesapp history and messages) which caused a switch & total blackout, we've had a few more since then since things have been stressful but she is trying to communicate, just harder with very bad aphantasia and dissociative barriers. Haven't had therapy in a few weeks and we're in quarantine this week, but have therapy again this upcoming Thursday so we will talk about it then but the therapist doesn't know the full extent of us being a system other than knowing that we are and that most likely was trauma that formed us,but we are gonna try to talk about it more, so you have any advice on bringing it up?

And onto my question before - is there dissociative disorders other than DID? We have a lot of alters (like 1000+) and most of them are fragments and some fully fleshed, but we all still tend to be somewhat similar, I think maybe it's a safety thing so it wouldn't be noticed, and I thought did always had very different alters, we tend to be more similar than not even though there are quite a few exceptions, but we have horrible memory sharing, I usually retain some level of "done something but idk what exactly" but we lose a LOT of memories and feel detached to ones that we do remember like they aren't "mine" per se just that "I" was there for it, in addition I never ever switch out I'm *always* here unless something very big happens that throws everything into disarray, it sort of makes me feel not valid because we don't have control over switching and I can't ever leave even if others can come in and out of the fronting area, I think/know that I do have a dissociative disorder of some kind because it is very impactful and impairing my symptoms, but I guess don't feel valid sometimes because I also like being a system sometimes other than the memory and dissociation

-john

Hey John, we’re probably getting to this too late to share advice for talking to your therapist - we hope that they were understanding and everything went well! We’re sorry if our absence here made it more difficult for you to talk to your therapist about what’s been going on in your system.

As for your second question, there are a few other dissociative disorders besides DID. There is OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder), P-DID (partial dissociative identity disorder) and DPDR (depersonalization/derealization disorder). However, it’s possible for systems with DID to have hundreds or thousands of alters, if not more! Systems with this many alters may have polyfragmented DID, although polyfragmentation has just as much to do with a system’s complex structure as much as having a high alter count.

We are not polyfragmented, so we can’t provide much in terms of advice or personal experience when it comes to understanding polyfragmentation. Any polyfragmented system who sees this is more than welcome to weigh in with experience, resources, or advice!

When it comes to not feeling valid, we’d like to offer some words of encouragement that might help y’all, if that’s okay.

First off, it’s very normal to not have control over switching, especially for systems who haven’t been able to make much progress either internally or through therapy! Our own system has been improving when it comes to managing switches, but we still don’t have full control over who fronts and when. Not being able to control switches doesn’t mean your system is invalid, and we can assure you, lots of systems out there function in that way!

Also, it’s not as rare as you might think for systems to have frontstuck members… even for many folks with dissociative disorders like DID. Our host is usually fronting to some extent (albeit often quite dissociated). And there are plenty other systems with frontstuck members too!

Finally, it’s okay to like being plural or part of a system, even if you have a dissociative disorder. Yes, it can often be impairing, difficult, painful, and overwhelming… but it can also be comforting, joyous, fun, or exciting! We have a complicated relationship with our plurality, but most of us love being a system and we wouldn’t trade our plurality for anything in the world! Having a mental illness or disorder doesn’t mean you have to be suffering all the time, and finding joy and happiness in our disorders can help make living with them so much easier!

Good luck out there, John. We hope things go well for you and your system in the future!

[hazeism]

Book Demerzel was male in the past too! She is Gender.

Ooh, okay, so I guess my understanding of things is kind of impaired by the fact that I'm still on Edge (I went in in-universe chrono, though--I mean I did the Empire books all jumbled because I read Pebble ages and ages ago and then the other two came in as holds from my library in the wrong order hahah--so I started the Foundation novels with Prelude) and have yet to read and Earth which I think he returns in? So I might be missing a huge amount of context regarding his presentation/interpretation/etc. etc.

Most of my ideas about Daneel's complication regarding gender mostly conform to my understanding of him (any pronouns apply 🥰🥰 but I'm used to he so I'll just go with that for now) as a fundamentally resolved, instrumental thing--though cornered of course by minimalism and limited knowledge--who has the luxury (?) of more readily identifying the contextual applications of gender, combined then with millenia of insight into the fluid/arbitrary drifts of social and cultural mores, plus his own schematics of prioritization and internalization... I think he is on like extradimensional levels of gender, internally, and I hope there is canon basis for him taking upon himself some gendered aspects in a functional/teleological manner (as he takes on other aspects of personhood! even Demerzel himself is an adopted aspect!) because I think that even if that goes uninterrogated (as so many things in these novels do GRRR!) it has even more necessary implications for his internal cognitions of gender!!!!

That said I DO also think there's something to be said about the amount of gendered socialization he gets in his most formative years (especially from his Earthman who knows his sociological formulas but does not have a very sophisticated or unblemished understanding of gender politicssdbfkdj)--which is undercut by his state of subjection and perpetual qualification and Othering from people who do know his true nature, and then the implication of Deceit (not what I believe him to be doing--at least in the context of gender/lack thereof but definitely how it would be interpreted by towards people who don't know what he is which like. very transgender existence tbh being considered inherently deceitful) but this all just makes it more texturally complex and interesting and makes him even better at being soooo gender. Love that thing!!!!

[oldbutnotyetwise]

Unexpected Gifts

     I have said this before and it bears repeating here, every good thing that happens has some bad attached to it, and every bad thing that happens has some good attached.  

     As I am writing this I have crossed the one year anniversary since my diagnosis of ALS was confirmed at Sunnybrook Hospital.  Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, a rare neurological disease that affects motor neurons in the brain or spinal cord that affect voluntary muscle movement.  Think of it like when you go to sleep, except in my case parts of my body are going to sleep never to wake again.  I’ve lost the use of my legs, I’m losing the use of my left hand, and my ability to speak is being impaired.  Eventually the muscles that allow me to breath and swallow will stop working.  In some cases ALS also results in frontal lobe dementia, so your two options are having a healthy mind trapped inside a non-working body, or dementia where you still are trapped inside of a non-functioning body while you have no understanding of what is going on, or the burden you are placing on your caretakers.  

     So about now you should be saying, how can there be anything positive about having ALS?  What good can possibly come from this Death Sentence?  Well let’s ponder that question and see what we can come up with.

     When given a terminal diagnosis I had a rather drastic shift on my perception of time.  Prior to the diagnosis, I didn’t give time much thought, foolishly I thought that my time was almost like grains of sand on a large beach, almost endless.  Once I received my diagnosis suddenly time became like the water in a canteen, something not to be wasted or used foolishly.  So you are wondering why is this a good thing, well it is because I have been taught the lesson of Mindfulness.  When you have lots of something it is hard not to take it for granted.  When you have something that is limited and quickly running out then you appreciate it a lot more.  You suddenly realize what an amazing gift time is.  You suddenly have the wisdom not to waste your time on foolish things.  You don’t waste your time on bad books, bad movies or with people you don’t want to spend time with.  If you want to do something and you can, than you do, no longer putting things off for some day in the future because now you know that someday may not come.  I wish that I had learned this lesson about the value of time much earlier in my life, but am grateful that I did learn it eventually and in turn  have worked much harder at enjoying what remaining time that I have left. 

     Living in Canada, or in this case Ontario I have a government run Health Plan.  On top of this I also have a benefit plan from my workplace until I am 65.  I will spare you numerous sad stories of people in other provinces, or in the U.S. who were waiting for approval for the ALS drugs and after two years of waiting they finally get the letter advising they had been approved,,,,the day before they enter a Hospice.  People who live in remote areas of provinces where they are hours and hours away from the nearest ALS Clinic, or even any medical assistance.  We are now living just over an hour from the ALS Clinic at Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto, generally accepted to probably be the best one in Canada.  I never really understood what a gift the pubic health care system was prior to this, but I do recognize how lucky I am in comparison to so many others.

     I would guess that my ALS medications probably cost somewhere between 200 and 300 thousand dollars a year.  My benefit plan is presently paying for my drugs, can you imagine not having coverage for drugs that could possibly help you?  Where you have to decide between selling or mortgaging your home and draining your bank accounts to buy your medications or choosing to go without.  Where medical decisions are based on dollar amounts instead of what is best for you?  I am grateful for the gift of a benefit plan that allows me to take these expensive drugs in the hope that they are helping me.

     I have met so many amazing people in the medical field since the first day I attended Sunnybrook.  The entire team at Sunnybrook who compassionately care for their hundreds of patients, knowing that everyone they are caring for will eventually lose their fight,  ALS remains undefeated.  As well the nurses, ALS Society, and Community Care Team who all make this horrible disease a little more tolerable.  I am grateful for the gift of all the caring people who work hard to look after me in such a kind, caring and compassionate way.

     A disease such as ALS is expensive.  The amount of medical or assistive equipment can be prohibitive, says the guy waiting for his $32,000 electric wheelchair.  The items we have around the house are a collection of things people have given or loaned us, we have purchased new or used, or that we have been reimbursed for through my benefit plan.  There is something called the ALS Loan Cupboard where people donate used medical equipment, let’s be honest, probably after their loved one dies.  I presently have a walker, electric lift chair and an electric hospital bed all loaned to me from the loan cupboard.  The list of medical equipment I require is constantly growing and already my life would be unbearable without it, so I am grateful for the gift of all this equipment that I have access to that helps me make it through my days.

     I will wholeheartedly acknowledge that I find myself surrounded by the best possible friends.  These are friends that take time out of their very busy lives to visit, or call, or email or set up video calls.  Somehow the whole world is going on at an extremely hectic pace while my life is coasting to a stop.  Most of the world continues on riding the merry go round of life, but a few people realize something important is going on and they are here for me.  Together we exchange old memories, share embraces, shed a few tears and just generally stand by each other.  When you are travelling a dark scary path and suddenly you find a trusted friend at your side you will notice your path becomes a lot less dark and scary.  I am grateful for the gift of dear, treasured friends.

     I have my dear sweet wife Robin here by my side from sun up to sun down working so very hard to look after me.  I don’t think anyone else has someone as amazing as her, and some people are forced to go through this nightmare alone, which I can’t even begin to imagine how impossibly hard that would be. I am grateful for the gift of my loving wife Robin.

   In Canada there is Medical Assistance In Dying, also known as MAID.  If you have a terminal illness, you can fill out a form, meet with a Physician who should agree with your decision and sign off on the form.  Then a minimum of three months later you meet with a second doctor go through the process again at which time you can select a day you want to end your life.  You can change your date or back out at any time, and yes if you are wondering it is a surreal experience going through this process.  I have friends travelling the same path as I am in the United States who would have to travel to another state to end their lives, as if this process isn’t difficult enough they have to travel to a strange place hundreds of miles away from their home and friends to end their suffering.  I am grateful for the gift of living somewhere that I am treated as kindly as a beloved pet who is allowed to leave this world when their struggle to live becomes too much for them.  Leaving this world in a kind compassionate manner, surrounded by loved ones, finally able to rest after fighting the good fight.  

     So I encourage you to always remember, every good thing that happens has bad attached, and very bad thing has good attached.  So next time something bad happens to you I encourage you to look for the good.  Yes you may have to look hard, yes it may be hard to find but I assure you it is there.  Then once you find those good things I encourage you to focus on them rather than the bad things, I think that will help make your journey a bit easier.

[albinism-awareness]

So, I've already read up a bit on general albinism medical facts and stereotypes and such so I mostly want to ask for a vibe check on some magic/magic adjacent stuff?

I've got this dude that's basically the reason I did the research, he starts out as a witch/witch's apprentice*. This is overall a high-magic-ish world and most of the main characters are involved with some kind of magic (I also want to drive it home that it's a coincidence in-story; I assume it'd be a similar situation to "It's fine if your autistic character has magic, but be careful how you do it"?).

The thing I'm less sure about is that at some point in his early twenties he decides to fight a vampire**, which is a bad idea but one he actually does consult a seer about, who basically proceeds to lie to him because she decided that having someone functionally immortal who knows witchcraft and has been taught to protect the village and people in general since childhood would be great for a vague horrible thing she can kind of glimpse at? So she basically knowingly sends him to get turned into a vampire by a mad scientist vampire.

He doesn't stay one forever (he becomes a demigod eventually which undoes the whole "kind of undead" thing), but I understand that having a vampire with albinism could be kind of questionable even with the context of "these two things are completely unrelated, he's just really unlucky".

Overall he's generally a heroic if tragic character in the sense that a lot of huge responsibilities (Saving the world! Defeating god! Defeating another god!) get dumped on him by virtue of him being both somewhat more powerful than actual mortal mortals now and having the time to theoretically be able to plan things long term, but also to some degree because nobody else will deal with it. Also the whole "unwilling transformation and being forced to work together with the person that indirectly did it to him". I guess in a lot of ways he's almost a classic heroic archetype but with oodles of trauma and the soul crushing horror of being in a fight where your odds of succeeding are absolutely abysmal.

I think I'm good on most of the other pitfalls (he's not evil, has vision issues and uses a variety of accessability aids, mostly big hats, sunglasses and magnifying lenses and has blue eyes as a kid which later change to purple explicitly because of a magical things happening to him-something fairly common for people that get hit by that kind of magical thing), but this one I'm really not confident in.

*Basically, a kind of person that uses magic the way a chemist uses chemistry that doesn't rely on innate talent/magic power, which he has little of. He's pretty average/below average in that respect in this world.

**Vampires are generally integrated into society as a kind of super soldier for defense against all kinds of dangerous critters, though some go rouge and decide to murder people for blood rather than be provided through, I guess blood taxes but literally and not particularly sinister.

(so sorry for the late reply)

Dude! That sounds like an awesome story! :)

The only thing that I would ask you to reconsider is maybe something other than an albino witch? only because other than ghosts and vampires, witches are the number one stereotypical ‘creature’ that people compare people with albinism to because oftentimes in small tribes in Africa, people with albinism are thought of as containing mystical properties, thus are hunted for limbs, teeth, hair, eyes, etc. and are usually eaten/consumed. (Keep in mind this isn’t true for all African places, just really small tribes). But that’s the reason the witch thing can be seen as offensive.

And when it comes to fighting, keep in mind that if your character does have albinism, long range weapons would probably be out of the question because of our visual impairments, so long range weapons (guns, snipers, etc.) are likely out of the question. (I’m not sure if you gave them weapons, just putting down in general)

Hope this helps! :)

[ina-nis]

If AvPD were to be considered a disability, what kind of accomodations and considerations (both reasonable and unreasonable) would you like to see societally and interpersonally?

I don't know about others but for me, AvPD is a disability. It's a chronic, invisible disorder that impairs my ability to exist around others and interact with people, causing extreme distress as a result.

The short answer is: going beyond "awareness" and mental wellness campaigns, giving people resources (money, housing, etc), giving people spaces to be and encouraging them to socialize, treatment with focus on social wellness and not only for one to be fit for working, a complete change in the employment issue (utopian and unlikely but I don't really see another way out), safe and accessible mental health spaces in school/college/university/etc all year long, fighting systemic and socio-cultural ableism (people with personality disorders are not evil, many consider themselves ill and need help, not isolation or ostracism).

The long answer hopefully won't be too long, bear with me:

Looking at my own situation, I think it would be great if I didn't have to fight and stress myself out to get (and stay) on government benefits/welfare because I would like to not starve or be homeless - I know, depending on where you are, there's no such thing so I count myself as "lucky".

Most if not all school and/or employment programs are aimed towards neurotypical people (and it's even harder to get specific services if you're queer, immigrant, Black, etc). Employment is a special kind of torment for an avoidant to go through, the job seeking process, the anxiety of waiting for call backs, emails and interviews is unmatched and, at least to me, it's a trigger for suicidal ideation.

I don't really have or see a solution out of this specific issue. Employment is difficult for everyone, it is a competition and there will be a winner and a loser. You can guess who the "loser" will be between someone without X someone with AvPD.

I really wish the focus of treatment wouldn't be so much on "being fit to function in society" because that almost always mean getting a job - I have lost count of how many avoidants I've seen working dead end jobs and being trapped, extremely unhappy, on the top of dealing with a Personality Disorder, because they don't have any other option.

About schools... well, also talking from experience, they served more to try to fit people into boxes to be tame and good workers, and less to learn how to be humans and do things that don't involve... working 9-5, 40+ hours a week.

Depending on which school you're attending to, mental health services will be nonexistent or of really poor quality (that's almost a given considering how bullying is widespread). More than bringing awareness for mental health, depression, anxiety, burnout... there should be programs in place throughout the school year in which students would be able to access, and very importantly, giving them some sort of anonymity (if they so desire) and a safe space for them to come forward and speak without getting their family involved (again, if they so desire).

I guess the same applies for post secondary education too. It would be extremely valuable if students had access to resources and spaces that deal with mental health, with professionals at a low cost or for free.

Socially, I believe for as long as we're living in a world where Personality Disorders are demonized, where things such as "narcissistic abuse" is not only very common (even between mental health professionals) but also a acceptable concept, we won't have much progress regarding the treatment of AvPD and PDs in general.

So many characteristics of people with AvPD are considered social red flags, so much of that "self-fulfilling prophecy" is how about social isolation fosters more social exclusion, and social exclusion fosters more isolation - where one is left to fend for themselves and fix the problem that is social in nature, on their own. It doesn't make any sense.

Mental health treatments are not cheap nor accessible, so there's also that. Definitely something that would need change ASAP. They also focus too much on individual faults, behaviours and cognition, when, yes these can contribute to the problem, they're not the whole picture.

There's need for more specific research, and more professionals to be actually interested in investing time and money into this disorder, to see what lies beyond Social Anxiety, and so on.

There's need for resources, both financial and social, so that people can pick up and try to re-start or re-build (or start and build) their lives at any point. And spaces in which people can co-exist and be encouraged to socialize.

I've heard it so, so many times, and it's so exhausting... yes, getting new hobbies is a good way to cope, even more if they're social hobbies. But I don't think I have enough motivation to pick a social hobby when my solitary ones serve me just as well. I believe that's probably the case for a lot of other avoidants, too. So how can one make social hobbies, and social spaces more welcoming for people with AvPD? That's a very good question.

I cannot stress this enough: AvPD is a disorder of social issues, not only individual. Treating a person without looking what goes beyond the person is bound to be a failure. When you go past anxiety, when you go past the social skills issues, when you go past the self-imposed isolation, supposedly, lies success. But if anything, I'm the living proof that there's need to be more than... me, for things to work and to be maintained.

[galaxywarp]

I don't know if I really count in all this, but right now I'm in a spot where I basically have to use weed or alcohol on a daily basis just to be able to sleep. I try to tell myself I'm being careful and I'm not going to be reliant on them for the rest of my life, because at this point it's just about finding something that shuts up my hypervigilance long enough to let me get some rest, and I know my mental stability is a lot worse when I don't sleep, but I'm honestly terrified that I'm going to end up an alcoholic or unable to function without being impaired somehow. I know weed isn't really addictive the same way that harder drugs are but I basically grew up being fearmongered into believing I could and would get addicted to anything because it's genetic as well as a common symptom of my PD. So I don't know if I'm really struggling with addiction or just.. The fear of it? But honestly seeing you talk about your experiences and your recovery journey has helped a lot just to show that it's not the end of the world or completely unfixable if I do end up needing more help down the line? If that makes sense? Sorry, this is really rambly

Don’t be sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience.

You’re right that weed is a lot different from, say, heroin and meth (speaking as someone who was addicted to heroin and meth), but addiction can still happen. I know I got to a point where I felt like I needed to smoke all day every day. Where it was harming my life. Where I could no longer be sober without feeling a deep uncomfortable restlessness as I obsessed over my next escape. And eventually my tolerance got so high that I sought harder drugs

I just wanna say that as a warning to anyone who needs to hear it. Just… be honest with yourself, okay? Be completely honest in your heart about whether or not you’re using weed in an unhealthy way and beginning to dread being sober. It’s a huge red flag

I guess what I’m trying to say is that only you can truly tell if your use is harmful or not. But you’re absolutely right that if it is a problem, now or later, and you need help for it, that’s okay

[nezumidoll]

It's like yeah I know I was dx'd with ADD 14 years ago but still... Seeing ADHD reels on Insta/FB and going "what? That's not what everyone experience???" and also that people don't get how hard it can be to function in a society with these symptoms??

Example 1: Getting very ragey because of sensory overload at work. I know I can't have a fucking meltdown at work and I can't be aggressive or rude to people just because I can't handle noises or something. So I have to somehow just deal with being in a panic and rage while being professional. Because, you know, I want to actually have a job.

Example 2: having to do chores around the house and really really want to do them because you just hate it being Dirty and chaotic but fuck it if you can actually make yourself do it sometime soon.

Example 3: Having to try and handle being in a workplace among people who just seem to be unable to actually say what they want you to do and by when. You ask "okay, so how many of x should I do and when does it need to be done?" and your co-workers reply "oh, do somewhere around x to y amount and it would be good if you can do it sometime soon" and you keep asking for specifics and they just don't give you specifics and then you have to deal with trying to do something without proper fucking instructions or a deadline and it stresses you out and either you don't start the task until you get the clear answer or you do the y amount as quickly as humanly possible and then find out you nearly stressed yourself out when there was no rush and they didn't really need it or they wanted something else. Like damn, tell me what I need to do and I will do it. You just gotta tell me.

Example 4: please do not ask me to take meeting minutes. I can't listen and write at the same time. I will get distracted or miss things or just be too stressed out worrying about not writing the right thing to actually pay attention.

Example 5: I will remember a lot of random things but fucking hell I will not remember your birthday. Maybe not your name the first 5 times we meet. Hell, I forget my own siblings' birthdays. I might remember that one time you talked about F1 though.

Example 6: In a hyperfocus state I will probably do 3 peoples work in one day. without working overtime. However, if my brain says no, it's damned hard to get it done and it will probably be at a regular/slow persons speed. I am productive if I have enough on my plate to be stimulating, and probably not very productive if there is too little stimulation.

I have more examples. But those are the big ones, I guess. Socializing is hard, managing work and stuff at home is hard. Not because I am lazy or willfully obtuse or something. It is fucking tiresome. AD(H)D is not an excuse. It is not a trendy dx.

Repeat after me: a psychiatric disorder is something that cause distress and impairment of important areas of functioning.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hi, it's me back again with more inconsequential asks. This is a bit long this time, I apologize.

First of all, the real CSI question: you've probably touched upon this subject before, but do you think Sara's reluctance to deal with her mental health issues, both pre-Natalie and post could be a reflection of her fears regarding her family's history of mental illness? I mean part of it is the cop-don't-wanna-deal-with-ptsd trope which we see with Nick too for example, but particularly in Sara's case it might also be a fear on her part that she knows her mental health is spirilling out of control, and even though it isn't the same, and logically she knows it, there's like a part of her that thinks that if she recognizes she's not okay, somehow, that makes her a bit like her mother. Does that make sense?

Secondly, not really a CSI question but related, is it expensive to get your driver's license in the US? Because Sara apparently got hers the exact day she turned 16 (according to a prop but whatever) and I don't imagine she had a ton of money in her name at that time. It's not important to her character at all, just thought I could come up with some fun headcanons for that one.

Okay, finally just a short question: do you only impart your wisdom on CSI or are you game for discussing other fandoms that you're in (based on your posts I'm guessing) like ER or AoS?

That's all, sorry for the long ask and I hope this won't take too much of your time.

PD: you got me into binge watching a league of their own and I am now a devoted fan.

hi, @its-a-geeks-world!

no need to apologize! i love talking shop. it's good to hear from you again. <3

also, i'm thrilled to know that you're enjoying aloto! it's such a great show. just absolutely *chef’s kiss*

i’ll take your questions in order after the “keep reading,” okay?

__

is sara's reluctance to seek treatment for her mental illness at all due to her fears regarding her family's history with mental illness?

sara’s reasons for not pursuing mental health treatment are manifold:

some of sara’s reluctance to treat her mental health issues is due to the fact that she fears “reopening old wounds.” her primary coping mechanism for dealing with her childhood traumas is to repress them, and by the time she is an adult, she has become fairly adept at “keeping everything tamped down.” as long as she doesn’t acknowledge her symptoms too much or (god forbid) actually delve into what her underlying issues really are, she is able to remain mostly functional, holding down a job, paying bills, maintaining her apartment, and generally keeping everything together, etc. she doesn’t want to ever “peel back the bandaid” too much, lest in so doing she reinjure herself and impair her functionality. in her mind, it’s better to limp around, experiencing dull pain all the time, than it is to risk being fully hobbled. she’s not going to poke at her problems when doing so might make them unlivable for her, you know?  

meanwhile, some of sara's reluctance to treat her mental health issues is also due to the her professional anxieties about how it might potentially damage her career to be a law enforcement official who attended long-term counseling and/or was on medication for her mental illnesses. as talked about here, “while most police departments and crime labs allow for personnel to take prescribed antidepressants [and attend therapy] while performing their job duties, there is a prevalent stigma in law enforcement culture surrounding the use of such medications [and the attendance of therapy], meaning that sara might worry that if she were to take medications [or attend therapy] to treat her depression [and ptsd], her doing so might negatively affect her assignments, career advancement opportunities, and reputation within the department, were that information ever to become known by her coworkers and superiors.”

yet more of her reluctance to treat her mental health issues is due to her falling into the error of thinking that she doesn't actually need that kind of help because she occasionally experiences prolonged periods of upswing when she feels and functions better than what she’s typically used to. during s1-s9 we see this pattern play out with her multiple times: baby girl will start to spiral (like during her depression arcs of s4/s5 and s8/s9), but then just around the time she is about to hit rock bottom, she undergoes some kind of happy life change (like beginning her relationship with grissom in s5/s6 or getting married to him in s9/s10) that then leads to a short-term improvement in her mental health. when she is feeling happy and in love, it is easy for her to convince herself that she doesn’t need to pursue mental health treatments because, obviously, she is doing so well™. only when something inevitably happens to disrupt her stability (like her abduction by the miniature killer in s7/s8 or the divorce in s13) is she forced to confront her mental illness again; however, at these points, she is unlikely to seek treatment because her tendency when she is in distress is to recoil back into herself, shutting everyone and everything that could potentially help her out.     

all of the above said, one of the biggest reasons why sara is reluctant to ever pursue treatment for her mental health issues is because, deep down, she fears that she is “unfixable.”

there are some hints on the show that sara has attended some therapy in the past, likely as a child, and the fact that she has and that it didn’t “cure her” back then contributes to her suspicion that no amount of talking about her problems is ever going to undo the damage that was done to her growing up in the environment that she did.

she fears that if she were to try to pursue treatment, eventually she would find that it was ineffective for her, at which point she would have confirmation that she, like her parents, was a hopeless case: destined to be miserable (and to make those around her miserable) for her entire life.

while by her mid-thirties, she knows it is unlikely that she will ever develop schizophrenia like her mother had, she does worry that she could turn out to be like her mother in other ways, particularly where it concerns her relationship with grissom.

as i talk about here,

[after her abduction by the miniature killer, sara] tries to tell herself to just snap out of it—she has made it out alive! she still has her job! she still has her friends! she still has grissom! and now she doesn’t even have to hide her relationship with him anymore!—but she can’t just snap out of it, and the fact that she can’t panics her, because if she can’t be happy now (with the dream career and the dream man and the found family and the support network and the high-end condo with a dog and 2.5 academic libraries’ worth of books inside), then how can she ever be?

is she destined to just feel shitty forever? is there no escaping her trauma?

this harrowing line of questioning leads to an even more harrowing question still:

what if she can’t deal?

she had been on the brink of a real breakdown before, back in ’04-’05, and had grissom not taken an interest in her mental state after she got pulled over for driving drunk, who knows where she might have ended up?

best case scenario: fired for coming into work loaded. worst case scenario: possibly in jail; possibly dead.

that was supposed to be her rock bottom.

but what if this time around she goes lower? what if she gets back to the place where she’s out-of-control again?

god knows grissom will try to save her—because he always tries to save the people he loves, especially when what they need saving from is themselves; because he’s always saved her before; because he’s her knight in shining armor; because that’s just the kind of person he is.

but maybe she can’t be saved.

maybe she’ll end up hurting him, not in the very literal way that her mother hurt her father, but in the sense that she’ll say or do something so horrible that it will break him. she has a tendency to act out when she’s hurting. (recall the cat lashing out with its claws when someone invades its recuperative hiding place.) she can make herself really repugnant sometimes. she wouldn’t necessarily intend to, but she might go for the “sucker punch to the feelings” on instinct. she might say something she couldn’t take back.

she doesn’t trust herself not to.

—but even if she were to keep herself in check, there’s also the possibility that she could hurt grissom in another way: by simply not being salvageable.

even if she never said or did anything actively horrible, what if he poured all of his love and devotion into fixing her, but she still didn’t get better? what if she never was able to be the person she was back in ’06-’07 again? she knows from personal experience how draining being a caretaker for someone with long-term debilitating mental illness can be and how much having to care for a loved one can alter the shape of your relationship with them, not necessarily for the better. she would hate to hold grissom back or deny him the kind of happiness he so fully deserves. she would hate to pull him down into the darkness with her. she remembers what happened between her mother and father, and the last thing she wants in the world is for her and grissom to go that same route.

so even beyond being conditioned to mask her pain due to her childhood experiences, sara also has this additional motivation to conceal how she’s feeling from grissom: namely, she doesn’t want him to feel guilty over her or to think that he has any kind of obligation to save her. she doesn’t want to make him party to her suffering.

she also secretly fears that for as wonderful, patient, and loving as grissom is, even he has his limits, meaning that he might eventually become disgusted by how “broken” she is and reject her. (her father got to the point where her mother disgusted him, after all.) if grissom were to leave her, she doesn’t think she could survive. she wouldn’t necessarily blame him, of course. but she would wither.

if she ever saw that love in his eyes go out, she might actually die.

deep down, she’s holding on to hope that maybe she’ll be able to turn things around before he actually realizes that anything is wrong—and that having a discussion about how she’s feeling will (consequently) become a moot point because she’ll just suddenly be “recovered” before her mental state even becomes an issue between them.

it’s very fitting that when sara writers her goodbye letter to grissom in episode 08x07 “goodbye & good luck,” she speaks of spending her “whole life with ghosts,” because she is very much haunted by the specter of the interminableness of her parents’ misery.

they never got better.

her father went to his grave a depressed, alcoholic abuser, and her mother will spend the rest of her life in long-term psychiatric care for schizophrenia.

while sara knows she doesn’t share their exact diagnoses (and that she would never behave in some of the extreme ways that they did), she also can’t help but fear that she, like them, will “never be free of it”—that there will always be some part of her that is irreparably broken.

to acknowledge that potential likeness between her and them is terrifying to her—the stuff of her nightmares.   

so part of the reason why she avoids seeking treatment is because she doesn’t want that fear confirmed to her.

she doesn’t want it proven to her once and for all that she actually is “unfixable.”

she wouldn’t be able to bear it if she found out that she was.

so, yeah: the fear of being like her parents (and especially like her mother) is another major reason why sara never pursues any kind of long-term mental health treatment. she doesn’t want to have to confront the possibility that maybe due to her genetics and traumatic history, this struggle will be a lifelong thing for her, as it was for them. she’d rather just cross her fingers and hope that maybe someday her issues will all just work themselves out (never mind how miserable she might be in the meanwhile), because at least then she can cling to the notion that maybe she is not just like that™.

it’s not at all a rational behavior on her part, but it’s one that she comes by very honestly.

and certainly her fears concerning her possible “genetic destiny” play a role in the choices that she makes in this regard, as well.

how much does it cost to get your driver’s license in the us?

costs vary between states and are likely somewhat higher now than they would have been in 1987, when sara was sixteen, but generally they break down as follows:

there may be a one-time payment to take a driver’s education course either through one’s high school (which was a fairly common thing in the 80s) or through an accredited private driving school (which is more common now). costs for these courses vary but nowadays can range anywhere from about $20 to $200—though it’s worth noting that the costs likely would have been somewhat cheaper in the late 80s than they are at present. some driver’s education courses may alternatively make students “pay by the lesson,” especially for behind-the-wheel instruction. 

typically, a student driver is required to pass a written test prior to being eligible to receive a learner’s permit. in california, one must be at least 15½ years-old in order to qualify for a permit.    

there is then a one-time fee to apply for said permit, which nowadays in california costs about $33 (but which was likely cheaper back in 1987; i can’t find exact numbers, but i’m betting somewhere in the $15-$25 range).

in california, a student driver must have their learner’s permit for at least six months and turn sixteen years-old before they can get their license. they must also undergo at least six hours of behind-the-wheel instruction prior to taking their on-the-road driving test.

they must then pay another application fee—nowadays about $39 in california; again, likely somewhat cheaper in the 80s—to take their on-the-road driving test through the dmv. if the student fails their driving tests, they are allowed up to three retests, but each additional test costs $7, and after a third failure, their application will no longer be valid.

upon passing the test, they will be issued their license at no additional cost.

so all in all, in the 80s, i’m spit-balling that in total, it probably would have cost sara somewhere between $50 and $150 to go through the entire process of getting her license—which would have been a not insubstantial sum to someone in her situation.

i have some thoughts here about how she might’ve paid for this expense (plus others) during her teenage years, if you’re interested.

do i write meta for other fandoms aside from csi?

sure do!

while csi is the show i’m best versed-in and have written the most about by far, i’m down to talk shop about basically any show i regularly blog about.

of course, some shows i watch more casually, not putting a ton of thought into my viewership, so i can’t promise my level of analysis would be particularly high, but i’d love to have the conversation, nevertheless!

in the past, i have written some meta about both er and aos, which you can find here and here, if you’re interested. i’ve also got some hella old metas about lost here, as well.

just drop me an ask, should you ever want to discuss anything!

thanks for the questions! feel welcome to send others any time.  

[spicebiter]

I'm finally watching the Cube sequels (also was very excited to learn there was an overseas remake made last year, i had no idea) and I'm finding that my issue with Hypercube so far, aside from the relatively unimpressive acting on many parts, is that it's attempting in some ways to grasp the original concepts presented in the first film while also trying to 'improve' on the cube and it's functionality in ways that are unnecessary and overblown.

I went into things knowing that the general consensus is that this movie doesn't match up at all to the first in terms of quality. I still have to admit I'm impressed with how much it fails to *actually* impress me. The introduction of Izon and a slew of fictional physicists and hackers only adds to the frankly unpredictable rush of developments in dangers this version of the cube presents. We've jumped wildly from the plausible version of the cube- while large and unknown in origin, this creation works in ways that can happen theoretically and is realistic in scale given the correct location to build it- to a version of the cube that's unprecedented in scope: The place is infinite in possible size and relies on completely theoretical math and ideas and puts them to use unrealistically at that (in a 'hypercube' of possibly infinite size, based on how everything else works, it doesn't make as much sense that you could ever come to the same room someone else has, let alone that only after an hour into the movie do they find rooms that contain their own traps and things such as variable time speed as it's implied they spend nearly a day or so by the time it comes to pass. Arguably this is solved by the 'shrinking' of the cube but it's really not as when this is shown as a concept multiple rooms meld together but not all the things from multiple rooms do so nor does this appear to be the case elsewhere, only in the room Kate and Sasha end in which would be a very weird coincidence if it weren't kinda lazy instead), things such as the strange shape that grew from nothing without any precedent and didn't appear to have any clear pattern until the moment it did right before it disappeared, and the multiple realities that develop without an apparent trigger, and even still the 'implosion' of the cube as a concept not making any sense as there's nothing at least I'm aware of that would make this both possible and stable (in the sense that it functions as intended) in the first place and yet keep it constantly (theoretically) imploding on itself.

There's also the point that they set up similar character archetypes from the first movie to the next, removing a lot of possibilities for characters to have their own identities. Simon is nearly identical to Quentin in the course of his actions and their degradation, Max is your standard nerd a la Leaven, Sasha is the stand-in for Kazan as the exceptionally smart but otherwise impaired character, Kate is Holloway the bleeding heart and doctor, and I suppose Worth would be Jerry in how he created something for the cube but never truly knew the scope.

Spoilers for the ending, i suppose, but the reveal of Kate being an agent for Izon once she (alone) leaves the cube is... troubling. Not because of the obvious fact that who would suspect it but also because it makes no fucking sense. Bear with me: Kate is hired by Izon to enter the hypercube to locate Sasha (revealed later on to be a hacker who fled into the cube with information about Izon that is Not Great for their public image, moreso than being a weapons manufacturer is, i GUESS) and tasked to retrieve Sasha's necklace which contains the pertinent information on these goings-on. However, upon entering the hypercube Kate appears to remember nothing. It is possible that she is an exceptional actress as would be indicated by the fact that she takes Sasha's necklace without Sasha herself indicating that anything is stored on the pendent but i personally find that that makes little sense. Sasha is blind and at a severe disadvantage within the cube as evidenced by the fact that she has to be guided to move from room to room and even climb the ladders. Even for a person with no skill at fighting in any way it wouldn't be hard to just take her necklace and run. Pretending to befriend Sasha up until the end, as shown in some parallel timelines by the fact that their corpses are together and resting in comforting positions, isn't prudent for an operation such as this. Even considering the possibility of Sasha running into other versions of Kate and distrusting them, there is equal if not greater possibility of this not being an issue at all especially if she only took the necklace and never spoke or indicated who she was to any extent as Sasha is still blind and wouldn't know the difference. AGAIN there is the possibility that this did occur in some timeline but the whole thing is stupid anyway. Despite time working strangely and not making any sense in general to the point of extensive time spent in a room where things are sped up resulting in the rapid death and decomposition of two characters, all watches still line up to the same time and the cube implodes at the exact time it is meant to. I'm not a theoretical mathematician or physicist but something about this doesn't seem plausible once you start to parse it out, time both being perfectly in line with reality across realities but also moving in ways that are out of the ordinary and would put you outside of the presented time. If it weren't for the fact that there is shown to be time and reality altering qualities to the cube I would be satisfied with the answer of it all existing in a vacuum, but that's not the case.

I could give this film the benefit of the doubt on all of it's time and reality fuckery and all in all it still wouldn't amount to a good film anyway. The science is too complex and theoretical and there's too many theories and assumptions at work, as well as the really wild idea of saying 'a collapsing tesseract will grow beams of idk some goo that will take your head off or a wall of the same that will burn you up or just ehhhh make a weird growing mini tesseract inside itself that responds to your movement and shreds you and will appear only once for no apparent reason?' with your whole chest and making a movie with all that. It also hamfists the same concept of capitalism, the military industrial complex, and anyone with too much money or unfounded power making the lives of anyone just trying to get by miserable by creating an in universe villain to point fingers at and call the big evil because apparently the concept of 'society as it is today is killing everyone slowly and singling out some to kill faster for whatever reason it sees fit for the day' just wasn't terrifying enough alongside being trapped in the murderdeath cube and you need a solid name for your horror to really be scared of it. I'm positively dead on my feet over the fact that the original cube was a hulking monstrosity of a mechanical engineering marvel, too large to ignore and very difficult to ignore in its machinations even from a distance within the structure, making it the most tasty fucking metaphor for the machine of society and the way things Work while also putting the idea down to its most base of elements. And this one is a tesseract because well... just lookit it. Ain't it neat with all it's... dimensions... and murderous qualities...

Add on the cgi that's far too ambitious for what it tries to accomplish, a drained aesthetic even going up against the original and all the cube's victims wearing the same uniform, and characters that mimic their symbolic predecessors but with far less grace than can truly be forgiven- not to mention Sasha's character as a whole being a travesty between her use of the r-slur while being disabled herself (wow she must be one of the good kind of disabled people, take notes audience: she can't see but she hates the disabled just like you!) and being completely helpless for the entire movie despite being some bigshot hacker and cyber warrior who's taken down stock markets and wars against the military industrial complex. Having conceivably been blind her entire life or even a long time you would think she'd have adapted to some extent (and also maybe wouldn't have entered a theoretical murder shape without a mobility device if not) and with everything else she would have some grace under pressure in some capacity. While Kazan is put down by the majority of characters in Cube only to be revealed to be the secret to their survival as a math whiz, at the very least he does serve some real purpose to the plot and it's underlying messages, while Cube 2 puts Sasha down as only the means to a bullshit ending (and beginning, having given Izon the tools to create the tesserect for some god forsaken reason) and then kills her as soon as her big reveal has come to pass and she's had her moment as anything other than 'the blind girl that's had to be guided this entire time just to survive'.

To summarize: Yet another piss poor excuse for a sequel and not worth your time unless you really like bullshit theoretical physics and math done poorly.