#because for once its not actually my fault but just the 'circumstances'

[walkingcontradiction42]

Had a discussion with my parents yesterday about how horrible my thesis is going. When I left my mum was just like 'it will work out at some point'. Which is what I've been telling myself for the better part of one and a half years now. At some point it starts feeling more like a lie than anything else.

[vaguely-concerned]

listen I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore but on this playthrough of DA2 I found myself once more entranced and heartbroken to see hawke reenact their relationship with their mother with the entire cursed city of kirkwall. you can never do enough for leandra, and you can never do enough for kirkwall. leandra is proud of you, and kirkwall uplifts its champion, but no matter how hard you try for them you can't fix everything there that's broken, no one could, and even the fact that anyone would feel the burning responsibility to take that task on is a huge warning sign on its own. leandra will easily allow you to sacrifice yourself on the altar of the family's continued well-being again and again, even when she'll beg you to spare the twins from the same thing. it's such a sad, painfully realistic thing because I truly don't think leandra meant to fuck up her kids, and yet she primed her oldest for an abusive toxic codependent relationship with an entire ongoing dumpster fire of a city state better than she ever could have if she had meant to.

I think what leandra actually, deep down wants from you is something you can never ever give her and that is cruel to ask of anyone, but especially your kid -- to bring her back to a time when she was happy. to reclaim when you were all happy, when nothing was broken that couldn't be fixed, before malcolm died, before you had to leave behind bethany or carver's broken body on the ground. to get her childhood back from where she left it and found it all gone and in ruins when she returned. 'this is all your fault'. this is the tragedy of parenthood sometimes I think, that capacity to define a life: she said that once, in a moment of profound pain, and she probably wouldn't have said it under other circumstances and she apologizes later, but now hawke has to live with that forever. leandra can't bear her own emotions without letting them spill over onto someone else so she won't have to hold the discomfort of them anymore, and hawke is left to shoulder that burden and responsibility again and again, handed the impossible task of making it all okay again, somehow -- of stopping anything bad from ever happening again in the Nr 1 Bad Things Constantly Happening capital of thedas.

and then at the same time there's the mirror of how varric's whole family wants orzammar back (and to him orzammar is just a ghost he's seen in their eyes -- there's something in his voice when he says 'That stupid plate was the whole city of Orzammar to him' that gets me every time, how much he understands that he doesn't understand and how lonely that makes him among them, and on top of it all he's frustrated and ashamed and sad that he just doesn't get it and can't meet them on it -- like it's a betrayal that he actually belongs up here, when varric wants so badly to be loyal), just as the hawkes want happiness back. (I don't think it's Lothering in itself that longing is for, it's for being together. Lothering was just the place they stayed the longest.) they're all in exile, even as they try to make a new home out of that exile.

(varric and hawke's real 🤝 quality across all personalities, affinities and choices is 'parentified child' lmao. so much of varric's character makes perfect sense once you know he grew up supporting a mother who was an emotionally volatile alcoholic, honestly. between varric, the hawkes, isabela, seb if you have him and merrill's whole Situation with marethari I feel like DA2 covertly is to mommy issues what ME2 is to daddy issues fjsdjfa)

basically I think I'm trying to pick apart exactly why the fact that leandra is clearly proud of hawke and tells them so several times doesn't feel like it helps at all, almost feels more like a cage even though it's clearly meant well? and what I'm getting is that it's because my sense of what hawke actually needs, in general but especially from a parent, isn't admiration or approval but to be loved and supported and understood. I don't believe leandra ever quite understands them, and it scares her because it makes her think she maybe never even understood malcolm. (that's the subtext of a lot of what leandra will say about him in legacy, at least. he's slipping away from her as the years pass after his death and she fears she never really had him in the first place, if he had secrets like these.) she consistently treats her oldest more like a partner or peer than as her child, which considering hawke is always described as being very similar to their father… I mean I totally see how that could be easy to slip into for her after he died especially, but it doesn't make it any less fucked up or unfair.

the real leandra in legacy is. she is SO absurdly self-centered, if you really pay attention. I don't want to keep dunking on her because I don't think she's like this on purpose, but it boggles my mind. if you do the quest in act 1 she gets so upset and overwhelmed that the kids just sort of sit there like :( at the end, which adds to the trend that through the game you constantly see hawke comforting leandra, and you pretty much never see leandra comforting hawke, beyond some light vaguely encouraging comments in passing. if you do legacy in act 2 while she's still alive hawke comes to her, tentatively asking if malcolm ever spoke to her about any of it -- clearly requesting some sort of emotional support or help to make sense of it. she then expresses her side of it, but never once does she say anything to the effect of 'hey that was a lot to go through, are you okay after all that?'.

instead she essentially hands them the responsibility of having a good life, to repay what malcolm did for all of them. and in theory that's not the worst takeaway I suppose, malcolm probably would want them all to be happy, but in the moment it only feels like more expectation heaped upon you somehow? especially since you don't really get to express anything about how it made you feel before she goes to the 'ah no use complaining' zone (after SHE got to express her grief at feeling like she's losing more and more of that old life, and hawke barely got to say anything fhsfalkjfs). in general she really doesn't do much like. parenting, does she haha. there is so much love there in that relationship, and yet so little comfort. Oh, those days. All of us, in that simple place. Well, that's neither here nor there, is it. This life, we have to make the best of it. And thanks to you, and him, I will. Oh well, mum, I'm uh. I'm glad you feel better after that, at least. Nice to be of service.

it's varric's ghost-leandra who actually acknowledges what a burden hawke has taken on, that shows an understanding of why they're doing it, acknowledges the loss they've been through and also reassures them in their sense of belonging that still can't be taken from them, despite it all -- The best of him is still with you. The best of all of us. It's what makes you try so hard. You'll always have that. We'll always be family. (you can't take 'loved' away, huh.) you get a bit more of a reconciliation/reconnection between hawke and their dad's memory by being reminded he got like this too, you know (implicitly you're not alone). varric through leandra is the one who tells them what they probably would have wanted and needed to hear from a parent right then -- It's going to be alright. that's what Hawke, The Champion means to everyone else, and for once they get to be the one to hear it. except only in a kind dream that never really happened. I. it. hmmmmmm. crushing. that is crushing. but also so incredibly tender from varric's side, and so moving to me that he's seen all this stuff and so desperately wants to give them that comfort. anyway DA2 is about love in some of the realest and thus messiest and most human ways I've ever seen and it makes my brain go wild it's my favorite game of all time goodnight

[thesupernaturalhouse]

So I cant.....I can't anymore, Stolas fucking sucks

Season 2 as a whole sucks and gets rid of a lot of character depth that characters had in s1. But this post isn't about that-

I was recording clips for an edit, and you know in ep9 s2 when Stolas tells Blitz about "you couldn't be bothered to come save me"

Yeah.....Blitz TOLD him why he was unable to go and save him. He was even genuinely concerned and sent milly and moxxie in his place

You wanna know what Blitz said??

"Ah shit Stolas I can't today- I'm sorry I am literally on my way to take loona in for her very important hellvis S-H-O-T" and "it takes years to book it, it took 5 for me to get this one"

Aka, a rabies shot, which, racist will immediately kill you. You DON'T survive that once you get it and symptoms start showing up, it's a death sentence, and considering Loona is basically a sentient/anthropomorphic dog, if she catches it her survival rate is probably 0 percent

And you know what? Stolas gets it, and then in ep9, "the one who tried to kill em and you couldn't be BOTHERED to come help me"

Bitch he told you?? He sent people in his place?? He was getting his kid a really important shot?? Yiu selfish motherfu-

I hate this bird

I hate this fucking bird so much more now

This is just the finale straw for me that breaks the camels back tbh like......

Apology tour is just, Stolas and the narritive/writing basically gaslighting Blitz and its gross

I liked Stolitz and Stolas in s1, it wasnt a healthy relationship. The circumstances for both characters weren't super good, but it understood that and actually showed those flaws, It set up these characters future arcs

Season 2 is, frankly, a shit show. It has its moments, but ep1 ruined Stolas and Stolitz for me, and it just keeps on getting worse and it isn't even in a way of "Oh its rough, but they can bounce back

This is gaslighting. This is hypocrisy. This is guilt tripping. This is abuse.

Instead of building off of season 1 it is retconning it, it is destroying the continuity and timeline, it's making these characters so much worse then what they were

Instead of having Stolas face actual consequences for his actions the narritive is backtracking and going "Oh actually its not his fault" over and over again

Oh he cheated in the marriage? No worries Stella is a bitch so it's okay

Oh, he's neglecting his daughter despite them already having this arc? Oh, it's fine she just needs to cut him some slack

Oh he constantly belittled Blitz and made him uncomfortable in season 1? Actually it was all of Blitzs fault for misreading the signs of love!

He is constantly shown looking down and abusing other imps like his butler? Oh its fine, they aren't the main characters so what he does to them isn't important!!

Another thing is that Blitz tells Stolas how he feels. He points out his shitty actions. And what does Stolas do? He fucking cries like Blitz is being a big ol means for no reason

This trial is just going to further victimize him and make him seem in the right. The fact the sins might even be brought into it is also so fucking stupid.

The writing went from a 8 to a 1 with the characters. And it's only a 1 here because there are some good ideas in s2.

Their basically trying to cover up, retcon, Stolas's actions instead of having him deal with consequences and go through real development

Honestly the best ending for Stolitz would be Blitz realizing Stolas is toxic as fuck to him and just, not contacting him again. Stolas could get some real consequences in that trial and move on and become better in his own right

Butttt of course since Viv likes them so much it's gonna be dragged on for fucking seasons and then their gonna get together.

If I were to rewrite the season, I wouldn't even try to rewrite Stolitz.

[rendoa-blog]

Ghosts of the past!

Pssst, you can ignore this, but I wanna share it with you guys because I think you might enjoy it @ancha-aus @spotaus

Also, @mortallydarkbird , get your ass in here. You're reading this whether you like it or not.

"Nightmare, King of Negativity, Rulers of Emotion (mind the plural), is a prominent figure in the multiverse. He and his group are not... feared? They are respected and work under... a merciful deity. Huh. That seems... wrong, somehow. Ink truly does not understand why it feels that way. With the information he has been provided with, nothing about this looks off. So... what is making it feel like this???"

OR

I, Myeba, share the great ideas of my mind! So! Because I don't know how to word this properly other than BadSans(+Dream)-centric! Let's just go and list some facts about this!

So, what's wrong here?

Dream! Dream is what's wrong here!

This Nightmare is haunted by the undead spirit of his petrified twin!

Dream never got out of stone, his petrified body, overgrown with moss and greenery in some spots, stays in Nightmares private garden with their dead mother. (The castle is built atop the apple hill in Dreamtale, the destroyed, deserted village of their youth rebuilt and repopulated under their rule.)

Nightmares garden isn't the only area of the castle blocked off to everyone else. Every single room with a window that has a view into it is also forbidden, together with their connecting corridors. Dream stays there during the day.

Dream is, and will stay, a child. He lacks a physical form he can use due to being petrified, and because of it, Nightmare is forced to be a voice for both of them. That is also the reason for the title of Rulers of Emotion being plural, even if there is no one, but these two, who knows why it's like that. Dream is still the one who decides on things regarding positivity as he stays by Nightmare during any meeting that could require his presence.

When Nightmare goes to sleep, his spirit leaves his body while it rests. This spirit is also 6 years old and lacks half his skull. Nightmare did grow up naturally, though, even if he still looks like a child as a spirit due to unfortunate circumstances (cough basically death). Nightmare and Dream walk around the castle and cause slight shenanigans during this. They're mostly Dreams fault.

Dust can see ghosts and spirits occasionally, but they have not figured out how it happens. He has seen Dream and Nightmare running around the castle during his first few weeks when Nightmare didn't know about that. Dust is aware that something there is haunted and he thinks it's the castle itself, since he's never seen the spirits outside. He stopped seeing Nightmare entirely (because Nightmare is avoiding him), but still catches glints of Dream every once in a while when Nightmare isn't with him.

Killer and Horror know about the children as well because Dust has told them about them. They also know that Nightmare knows something, but they have been unsuccessful in getting the answers.

Cross is also there, but he's been in the group for far shorter so he doesn't know about Dream yet.

...They call the kids Yellow and Purple because they have no other way of addressing them. Dust has tried to communicate multiple times but Dream runs away every time due to being noticed.

Dream wants to befriend the group and spend time with them, especially when Dust shows up and actually sees him. Nightmare doesn't trust them enough for that.

The group has something akin to familial bonds, but Nightmare strictly excludes himself from it. He tries to be cold and distant. They know its a mask though. ...not Cross though. Cross doesn't and fully believes it because of past experiences.

Ink and Error are just 2 toddlers fighting over who gets to play with the pretty glittery pony, except the pony is attention and it usually ends with casualties. That is literally all I have about them.

Swap never left home! He's happily in his AU and while yeees he does know who Ink is and what the AUs are because the squid crash landed in his timeline one time (...or multiple times...many, many times.) he is not involved in anything concerning the multiverse.

Nightmare just collects unfortunate souls that remind him a bit too much of himself, victims of circumstance that didn't get a different choice if they wanted to survive.

The castle itself has many floral and nature inspired patterns in the stone. It is also heavily covered by plants anywhere that aren't accessible to those who don't live there, with some exceptions where it would make the room useless. Many corridors have vine ceilings or plants on the wall, but the kitchen, for example, only has a few controlled herbs in specific spots on and in the walls. The flora also doesn't even try to reach into private areas such as their bedrooms unless specifically encouraged to do so. (ex. Nightmares room) The group mostly doesn't want the plants there, though.

The entire group was pretty surprised when they moved in, because this was not what they expected, especially Cross who was very used to the formal and perfect visual that the part of the castle accessible to guests showed.

[wisp-wandering]

For those of you who don't understand Taco’s complex character, think she's a straight up terrible person, or just want to know my view on her... this is the chapter for you! I will be going over analysis, psychology facts, and head cannons that align with her character.

Let's start with copy and pastes with Ideas I've already conveyed in other media's;

(This is me):

How come nobody here actually sees II in the light of a *REALITY SHOW*. A thing that's meant to bring out the worst in people? Like genuinely it makes me so frustrated that people can't see that. Characters like Steve Cobs/Walkie/Springy have no excuse, as they were never shoved into the environment. But the Gameshow was not only nonconsensual but offers 1 MILLION DOLLARS. in the light of 2011? THATS A LOT OF DAMN MONEY. most gameshows offer 10k, or 100k? 1 MILLION IS A LOT. Just to put it into perspective try to imagine the difference between 100k and 1Mil in marbles.  the human brain simply can't process that high of a number.

Onto the psychological effects. IT CAN PUT HIGH STRESS ON IT'S CONTESTANTS. and I'm just gonna say it right now. What Balloon, Trophy, and Taco did isn't that bad. LIKE I SWEAR. PSYCHOLOGICALLY IT MAKES SENSE FOR THEM TO USE STRATEGY LIKE THIS. The only thing I'll call Them out on was their rude comments and nature after the fact, but you also have to realize it's to exaggerate their negative antagonism towards the other contestants. In a game show like that it invokes behaviours that would otherwise not be part of their character. Trophy can be seen being a better person once not in the Gameshow. Cheesy was rude as shit until he wasn't in the Gameshow, Balloon reflected on his character when he wasn't in the Gameshow, Taco— oh! Would you look at that! Became better when she wasn't in a game show! Sure she acted shitty in some cases, but that was when money was still put on the line. I'm absolutely furious people can't realize that the Gameshow invokes that behaviour. Nobody cancels people from survivor when they act shitty. In fact, they Invited the shitty people TO PLAY AGAIN??? AND PEOPLE ROOTED FOR THEM??? People actually need to look at it from a bigger perspective.

Taco has conveyed the thing I've believed and tried to communicate on multiple occasions. THE GAMESHOW BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE!!! The only problem is that SHE DOESNT BELIEVE SHE HERSELF IS EFFECTED SIMILARLY. She's been berated and convinced she's a horrible person, and that she needs to act the way she does because that's who she is. Taco probably thinks she deserves what she's gotten, and was always too scared to confront Pickle directly. She probably thinks she needs to have circumstance around her change in order for her too aswell, considering how she wanted to go back with the Time Machine, but, when confronted by Mepad she denied it. I feel like the plot is pointing towards a situation where she tries to save everyone, and when confronted by Microphone she breaks down and curses herself out for being a horrible person, friend, and other things similar. Microphone and Pickle. Creating a situation where they show Taco that the game made her the way she was too. That she didn't have to be the villain.

Notice how Taco never blamed Mephone directly for the shortcomings of others? Sure she did say it was for his entertainment, but never that it was his fault. She blamed the game. Something NO OTHER VILLAIN HAS DONE. She taking account for her mistakes, THINKING ITS HER. And not stressful circumstances! She doesn't understand she's not a villain, She's just *human* (or object for that matter). A living breathing being. Mistakes don't make you the bad guy.

Also saying Taco has no will to make try and apologize for the sake of others is stupid too. She clearly wants to. She REALLY does. She's scared to hurt them, she's scared she will hurt the again.

(Spoilers for a Spider-Man no way home)

Its a similar trip to what happens at the end of Spider-Man NWH, she isn't going back because she thinks she's protecting them from herself. She genuinely believes she ruins everything she touches. She tried to do so by sabotaging the challenge!

Taco didn't really manipulate Microphone—??? I know what you're gonna say. "Ohh!! Wisp! Yes she did!!!" But— I mean... Rewatching it? If she is— it's... more of peer pressure than direct manipulation??? I mean. She never forced Microphone to do anything. Applauded her input... LET MICROPHONE LEAVE? There was no guilt tripping or alienation, Direct threats to Microphone and her friends. It was more so pressure about the game. Which was— probably Taco perceiving herself as still in the competition. Needing to out smart the others to get Microphone further. Taco seemed to admire Microphone's pacifist nature after a while. And I believe when she Attacked the aliens in ii14, she acted out of blind fear, like an unexpected twist in a challenge. You could tell her initial reaction wasn't malice, it was more of a natural response. She was more protecting Microphone than anything else. Trying to get her out as fast as possible.

I myself have been through a manipulative relationship, and... While I know all experiences aren't the same.

It doesn't feel malicious. Taco felt genuine. She wants to protect others from her own mistakes and herself. She's unknowingly putting others first! She doesn't even realize it! Taco is trying to be a villain only to mistakenly be good, and when she tries to be a hero, she's mistakenly bad... I feel bad for her. She doesn't understand she... Has it right now. It's sad...

What about the situation with balloon?

Well...

She tried to convince Mic to harm him, but never threatened Microphone or herself. Nor did she try to alienate balloon to make it more appealing. Taco pointed out a situation and gave a morally Grey solution. But she never forced Microphone to go with it, she just warned her of potential consequences.

People often mistake her strategy with manipulation. When... Taco didn't really manipulate anyone. She pretended, and provided input. Knowing actions have consequences from her own experience.

Taco is experiencing the "illusionary truth effect" otherwise known as "gaslighting":

(Online statements)

—...However, repetition itself should not serve as a signal of truth, since it does not add anything new to the conversation in terms of credibility. For this reason, the repetition bias is also called the "illusory truth effect"

the fact that repeated presentation of information or items typically leads to better memory for the material. The repetition effect is a general principle of learning, although there are exceptions and modifiers

In relationships, an abusive person may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, and make them easier to control. For example, they might tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to think it must be true.

It is a psychological FACT that if one, or other's repeatedly give you information, even if it's false, eventually your mind will begin to perceive it as true. It's why bullying can negatively effect someone, or even just simply saying, "hey fatty" as a joke. Even if you're the skinniest human being on the planet, If you or another says say it enough, the subconscious will inevitably perceive it as true, despite if you know it's false. Even something stupid, like, "The sky is red." Well, no. The sky is blue. You think. But, if someone were to bash that into your skull every day. Ranting on about how the sky IS RED. You're mind will betray your knowledge.

Everyone constantly talks about her in a bad light. Say she's horrible. A good for nothing liar. She's going to perceive it to be true in the end. And she has...

Saying Taco is nothing but a terrible person, and a villain just isn't true. She's an Anti hero, anti villain AT WORST. Not to mention her childish decisions and mind sets make her seem in her teen years, as per my head canons. That only makes her mind MORE malleable and vulnerable. Taco is a complicated Character. But that doesn't mean she's the worst human on the planet. Please, if you don't agree with what I've said, before you berate me, rewatch the show, or atleast look up the psychological effects and other such I included in this rant. I may add onto this in the future, so keep an eye out for a future Taco analysis.

Thank you for your time.

[heademptie]

Thinking about Ghoap x Comms!Reader

(This is unedited ramblings at 10pm, this may end up being something, it may not)

(Also don't know if this is an actual job, but it makes sense to me that it would exist. But this is fanfiction so who cares)

Reader works for the military as well but their job is to monitor and transcribe communications during ops. Maybe they tried to be a soldier but got denied for some reason, maybe injury, maybe because they couldn't cope with directly taking lives or loosing them.

And readers been at it for a while, is good at thier job, keeps their head down, keeps what they hear to themself.

Reader is loyal, so they get a bit of leeway with their work. Gets assigned to monitor some of the 141's comms and becomes a detatched form of familiar with the team. They don't know who reader is, that they even exist, that most of their radio chatter is being heard by one person at a desk in a government building so far away.

Typically reader just zones out when working, purposefully trying to forget the confidential things they hear once they leave the building. But the 141 is... entertaining. The way they speak to each other with such familiarity and how they can make jokes without loosing sight of the mission, and how at the drop of the hat they hone in and get serious. They start to look forward to 'Price's paternal exasperation, 'Gaz's quick wit, 'Ghost's dry dad jokes, and 'Soap's cheeky comments. Occasionally they're graced with 'Laswell's easy verbal volleys with each member of the team. (Thinking about including Roach too)

And its obvious to reader, absurdly obvious, that Ghost and Soap are together. The thinly veiled, and the very not thinly veiled, flirting between the two is a giveaway. But what really sends it home is the panic. Reader was the one to transcribe the recoding from Las Almas. Right at the beginning, when Ghosts voice called out to Soap, he was calm in that call. But then Soap didnt answer. And reader heard the concealed panic when Ghost called out again, and they heard the relief when he did.

So reader figures out that they're together. Assumes as much. And takes a bit of joy from it. Takes some joy that people in such a brutal line of work have someone who understands and cares for them.

Maybe circumstances lead to reader needing to be saved. Or maybe they end up on base at the same time the 141 is there. And they run into the team some way. Readers smart, so they keep thier mouth shut about being privvy to their comms. Keeps to well known facts about the 141, the stuff soldiers outside of the team would know through reputation and minimal meetings.

Maybe they go out drinking, or maybe reader ends up bonding with the team some. They're all chilling somewhere together, and someone starts hitting on Soap and reader brushes it off. He's an attractive guy, charming too, its understandable. But Soap doesnt turn them down and reader looks over to Ghost who's watching the interaction too. And reader, without thinking says something about an open relationship. Ghost whips around on them in carefully concealed shock and asks them to repeat. Reader explains slowly, not yet realsing their error.

Its not until later, when Soap has left with the pretty thing who hit on him and Ghost had left quickly after readers comment, when Price is chuckling over his drink after reader has explained what they said, that they learn.

Ghost and Soap are not in fact in an open relationship. They are not even in any kind of relationship, romantic or sexual. And reader is shocked, if not a little disappointed, maybe even hurt. It's their own fault, really, they built up this false relationship between real people in their head only for it to remain in their head.

Later on, reader finds Ghost. Wanting to apologise for, stepping over the line? making the unsolicited comment? they're not entirely sure but they feel they should apologise anyway.

This is kinda where my thoughts end. I do have some I haven't mentioned but I don't know where to put them. Nor do I know exactly where this is going. Just some brain rot I've had.

[togglesbloggle]

I get nightmares, sometimes.

I know specifically where they come from. Second grade. My elementary school would gather kids up in the cafeteria and read some short-ish book to a large-ish crowd. I don't know why they did it that way instead of the classroom; it might have been some kind of after-school activity instead of during normal hours. The circumstances are pretty vague to me, this long after the fact.

I don't remember the title of this particular story either, or any of the names of the characters, most of it's long since lost in the fog. I was probably a bit bored for most of the reading. The book was a pretty generic little thing, until it wasn't. There was this caterpillar, it wanted to be a butterfly, a convenient and kid-friendly shorthand for overcoming obstacles to self-actualization through friendship and wisdom. One of the more common allegories out there.

But anyway, what made it weird was, the author decided that the catharsis of becoming a butterfly was a bit too straightforward to carry the climax of the story all on its own. So instead, most of the other bugs- the ones, I have to assume, that represented the forces of conformity and social pressure, or whatever- all became envious of the butterfly's ability to reach the sky (or sun?). When they saw the beautiful butterfly soaring through the air, in a rage they all started climbing on top of one another, and forming a big teeming pile of bugs, each one trying to get just a little bit higher, demanding to touch the sky just like the butterfly did. It became a giant, squirming mass, larger and larger until the inevitable occurred, the bugs at the bottom of this horrific mass were crushed, and the entire thing collapsed to its inevitable doom. The butterfly, armed with wings of its own, flew onward to the sky.

It's a little hard to pinpoint exactly what these nightmares are about, in a symbolic sense. They're about the anxieties of social conformity and peer pressure, certainly; my recurring fears of being molded by the community around me in to compliant and useful forms without consideration for my own happiness. But they're also about hierarchies and the meaning of social power, and even about conformist pressures in epistemic and ontological frames. It sort of slips from one analogy to another, untethered. It's a basal, animal fear that gets carried forward to many walks of life, both practical and philosophical, one that takes the particular form it does just because that story happened to be the first thing to hit this fault-line of mine at the right angle and crystalize my fears in to something I could understand.

On those nights when I find myself trapped in that pile, buried under the weight of hundreds of bodies, forced to crush the victims below me and claw my way through the airless, squirming heat and death of it all, the analogies don't really matter so much. Sometimes the beings around me are humans, sometimes they're all bugs, sometimes I am too, but always it's just about the simple, awful terror of living in that world of flesh. Things that might once have been fellow-travelers, trapped underneath and above and on every side with no room to move. When the agonizing pressure bearing down on you drives through your body without interruption, and you become an instrument that empowers and transmits that same violence to the animals that you're crawling over, with no relief from the pain except to drag somebody down from above you and get just a bit higher. Suffocating, always suffocating, gasping hot breaths where nothing's left to breathe.

But it is very potent grist for any number of metaphors, that's why I keep dreaming the damned thing. And it's not at all uncommon to be moving through my normal, waking life and find myself in circumstances that trigger this fear. I can always feel it coming on with that vague sense of suffocation, usually even before I understand consciously that I've found myself in one of those situations.

Being in the crowd at a sports stadium will usually get me pretty bad, of course. Driving in traffic does it sometimes, a little. But the merely physical crowds are pretty tolerable in the short term. Being at a protest or political rally is much worse; chanting with a crowd is more likely to trigger these nightmares than just cheering with one, because chants are semantic. More buy-in, you see? You have to conform with your ideas as well as your body.

It's there in more abstract ways as well. If I'm in a chat group or social community that brings in an applause light (or shared enemy) that is meant to unify everybody and create a sense of shared identity using public consensus, it can get a little hard to breathe; I sometimes have to go hide in a private room during dinner parties, when they go in the wrong direction. I've avoided employment in big, mission-statement-y corporations my whole life, for much the same reason.

I know that there are people who find a great deal of joy and meaning in this stuff, in being a part of social movements and organizations larger than themselves. I don't mean to say anything objective about such preferences, this isn't even really about my considered opinions so much as the animal parts of me. But man, the animal in me is so frightened sometimes. So much of our world seems to be made of these ziggurats of flesh, teeming piles of human life all trying to reach for something divine by crushing the souls below.

I have, I think, mostly avoided the worst failure states of contrarianism; better not to let the crows dictate my opinions at all, even by inversion. And actually I do better living in large cities than you might expect. Modern city life is 'dense' in the sense that you're often near a few people at a time, but not often to the point of actually restricting movement. Merely having a loud upstairs neighbor doesn't trigger my phobias at all, and it's usually pretty trivial to have basic personal space; I suppose I might struggle in places like Manhattan or Tokyo, though. It's a marked part of my life, but not a disabling one.

And like I said, this isn't a philosophical or a moral stance per se, though it's clearly part of the 'state of nature' that's upstream of my ideological commitments. Mostly, I'm writing this out because I think a lot of people tend to be annoyed by the kind of separatism I reach for reflexively, and treat it like a threat or a form of dissent. Which I guess it sort of is; I and people like me are pretty bad at forming coalitions and doing that kind of important work in the polis. But still, I'm hoping that my nightmares can do a little bit of good on that front, by providing vivid and terrible imagery to help others understand subjectively what it's like instead of just rounding it off to an easy-to-dismiss "Reddit bro" or whatever Type Of Guy is common parlance on the internet at the time.

And I guess, also, I'd like to help communicate something of the beauty of the alternative- of being the butterfly, I mean. And to the extent that it's possible, to communicate the urgency that I feel in chasing tools and institutional patterns that can help people to build their own wings and fly through the open air. There are things that help us rise under our own power as individuals, without victims. Curiosity, creativity, patience, mutual appreciation; so many kinds of strength that don't demand sacrifices. And the greatest of these, I think, is the pursuit of truth, and the sincere desire to understand the structure and consistency of the world around us.

Failing all else, during this election season please have a little patience for those of us who fall silent or slip away instead of lending our voices to the chanting of the crowds, or who seem to care more about picking apart ideas instead of organizing around them, or who otherwise never seem to miss an opportunity to make ourselves the odd one out. There's power in numbers, and this is a moment when power is desperately needed; but I don't think you can touch the sky that way. The higher goals, the things that will allow us to transcend our present difficulties outright and to achieve something really great, are too far away and too alien to reach merely by stacking bodies or echoing the doctrines of the present. Hope comes as a stranger, and we need hope right now for the same reasons that we need power.

[roxannepolice]

This may be stretching the concept of work's intent and possibly conflating it with reader's intent, but I think if you scratch to the absolute bottom of chameleon arch in s3 the ultimate difference between the Doctor and the Master becomes being people oriented vs. goal oriented. Like, if you go beyond the question of "could the Doctor have been something of a bad person* and the Master a good person", and ask "under what circumstances would they be like this", it looks like the Doctor - or, what aside from a body (with all its mind-indepented memories) was left of them in John Smith - was. well. being oriented towards people around him. And. that's what had One go from crotchety man willing to kill over his secrets or even a freaking lighter into the Doctor that is. Meeting all those wonderful companions, starting from Ian and Barbara that would just tell him fuck off you're crossing a line and I will not have it. And no, I don't think it's a matter of "wanting to be liked", but rather seeing "oh my Omega, I actually hurt this person". And in the main story that worked out for good, and in fact I would say that when it comes to "origins of morality" and "how to live" questions, that is the more reliable way to go! But when that same mindset is surrounded by all the bigotry - as well as just living a nice life as it is provided to you! - of edwardian era, it results in... well, obviously, the way to deal with those evil guys is to FITE! and this is what all those teenage boys have been trained to do, should the need call (ah, the hanging cloud of knowledge a need will in fact call them so soon in this two-parter...)! And this... competent. but ultimately underdeveloped through no fault of her own maid needs to just have the distinction between fiction and reality explained to her, the poor thing probably thinks the invention of writing is only to be used for things that are absolutely true... Yeah, punch him.

I use the term "goal-oriented" for the Master, but I suppose I should clarify, because we all know that if it was pure goal-orientation, then there are infinitely easier ways to take over the world that *checks notes* man-eating sofas. Yes, the Master is absolutely into over-convoluted plans to the point where they become a goal in itself. But what I mean is, no, they can't just hang around seeing the universe, they need a goal to achieve, there has to be a point to all this, and survival and power are arguably the two most basic goals there can be, once you scratch happiness as a bit too indefinite. And obviously, that's the exact opposite of "how to live". In many ways its a much more animalistic and base motivation than anything a conscious mind might want. Kind of existence vs. life distinction. BUT? In those last few decades of universe's existence??? Where there is literally no other goal left than survival? Not necessarily your own survival, but rather survival as an abstract concept, survival of ANYTHING? That mindset, combined with brains, makes you the most wonderful person that could possibly be! You're there, doggedly pursuing the only goal left in the universe, putting all of the resources you have left, MAKING ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY OUT OF FREAKING FOOD, and if anyone has any shot at surviving it is indeed thanks to you! There are two apparent contradiction to this (as of course there have to be in a story that's honest and not just making a point). The first is Yana keeping up the hopes of other people even while knowing it's likely false, and the second is him being willing to sacrifice himself so others will reach Utopia. But if you think about it. Both of these things are, in a way, utilitarian. Yes, hope is often framed as the ultimate irrational ideal, but once it's gone from everyone else, then... what is there to do? That's the end to the only goal left. So long as others hope you can get them out, you can go on tinkering just in bloody case. And while giving up your life for others tends to be framed as the ultimate act of good... there's a level at which Yana just freaking calucates himself as the easiest to expend. He's old and tired. The people who managed to reach the silo are either children or young and strong, there's a lot ahead of them. This is cynical and absolutely not the perspective to hold. But. at the end of the universe. This cynicism leads to sacrifice.

THAT IS NOT SAY YANA ISN'T JUST PLAIN NICE AND SHOWING MORE CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER'S FEELINGS THAN THE MASTER IN ANY FORMAT EVER DID! But I suppose when you're goal-oriented and everyone around you literally has no other goals than yours... why not just be kind** indeed?

Yes, there's a great tensimm fanfic about this:

*I admit I think one of the most interesting aspects of John Smith was precisely making him not a good person but hardly the worst man there ever was maybe it's because I've read edwardian era books that makes me think his paternalisation of Martha really wasn't the worst way for a white man to treat a poc even without outright violence. But if he was a really good person then that would just tell you making him give up his existence was bad because he's a good person whereas as it is the question is what makes the subjectively real existence of this particular not very good but not really worse than millions of people like him man that devloped subjectively very real bonds with others more expendable than any other's?

** Gosh my mixed feeling for Twelve, like I love him, he's up there with 2,3,4 and 10 as character-defining for me, but why just why have him always turn out to be ultimately right about his absolute morals, he's kind of the antithesis to time lord victorious, so long as you do the kind thing then there's always an unforeseen ex machina to prove you right, you'll never fuck up REAL bad, a real dilemma is not between making the choice that's subjectively or objectively good, it's between two objectively bad choices once again Simm!Master fell where he stood no less than Twelve.

[mamadarama]

Back again w Madakana song thoughts !!

That’s so true, Gracie Abrams

This is specific to ! era madakana but I think it fits really well; the ‘i should go and warn her’ reminds me of Madara visiting Chiaki to try and warn him agains making a wish with Kanata.

That, and, the somewhat angry lyrics + vibe of the song really emulate the period of time leading up to Kanata’s breakdown, when both him and Madara were conflicted with feeling angry at each other and just stuggling in general

While Madara and Chiaki are friends now, i do think at the very beginning of everything that went down during the war and in meteor impact, Madara resented Chiaki to some extent. Not that Chiaki did anything wrong, but just jealousy, because Chiaki ends up taking a similar place in Kanata’s life that Madara once had, which I think the song also represents quite well.

Once again I am not great at properly articulating my thoughts but. yeah 👍

yeah! madara definitely did resent chiaki for awhile but the resentment didnt really go away, it just shifted targets. so now he resents the circumstances rather than chiaki as an individual, which is why they can coexist. he knows its not chiakis fault. or anyones really. now that he and kanata are friends again, theres space in kanatas life for him and hes settled for that cuz all he wanted was to be friends again. but hes not kanatas right hand man anymore and thats the part he resents. and that part probably wouldnt have changed whether chiaki was there or not, since being apart for so long makes it difficult to just go back to the way things were like nothing ever happened. so actually, he never would have been able to take his place at kanatas side as much as he wants to. that ship sailed with him when he was exiled. i think he knows that, and thats why once he deemed chiaki worthy of being kanatas partner, he surrendered everything to him. which is typically an uncharacteristic thing for him to do since hes so stubborn

[artist-issues]

I think the problem is when you say "nothing about you is good" is that a lot of people, young people in particular, afraid admitting leads them to think "Why am I even alive then? If nothing is good about me, maybe I should just die", it leads to despair and sometimes even suicide and the only solution they see is self-love and self-compassion.

Not only that, the powers that be which is modern secular society make it where those who admit this are punished for it. Especially on social media.

You admit you're wrong or not perfect, another person will use that as justification to bully you or use your faults flaunt their supposed moral superiority, not unlike Jesus's parable about the Pharisee and the Tax Collector. Only the Pharisee is more rooted in secular beliefs.

Modern society has made it that if you admit your no good and be selfless and self-sacrificial, then they get to exploit that to punish you relentlessly and call you a hypocrite when you fight back.

It's kinda social coercion and its despicable when you think about

But too many people just gloss over all this and just try to lecture someone in once again, moral superiority

Not saying you're wrong or what you're doing, but I think understanding the current circumstances, personal, cultural, and societal can help address the issue in a way young people can understand and know what to do.

Could be. I agree with what you’re saying. The thing is, figuring out how to say it in the right way only has so much power. Truth is truth; even if you say it in the perfect way, at the perfect time, there are still people who are just not going to like or accept it no matter how well or carefully it’s presented. My post about Wish got a reblog where someone said, “I like how this person is tiptoeing up to saying they wish Disney was Christian without actually saying it.” Because it’s like, yeah, that is what I meant, and no, I didn’t come out and say it exactly like that—but someone still saw what I meant, and they disliked the truth that was there. No matter how I couched it.

I mean, we can agree that everything Jesus said, He said perfectly, at exactly the right time, in exactly the right way. But people still rejected it. And I certainly can’t do better than He did.

So at some point, it’s not how you say it; the problem’s not with how it’s said. At some point, the problem might just be with the person you’re talking to. It’s like a bridge. One end (speaking truth in the exact right way and right time for the audience you’re speaking to) goes halfway, and that’s great, but the other end has to meet it in the middle (the audience has to accept the truth when they realize it is there) or else the bridge doesn’t work.

But please note; both sides are equally important. I agree with you that the truth has to be spoken in the right way, in the right place, at the right time (and I certainly don’t do that well all the time, or even most of the time.) That’s what the Bible means when it says, “speaking the truth in love.” It’s got the power of a hammer but it’s supposed to be used with the precision of a scalpel.

Anywho, as far as people not wanting to admit they’re broken or wrong or have no good in them—welcome to the human race.

(I’m going to say some potentially triggering things below the cut, but it ends hopefully, so if you’re reading and you’re someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, proceed with caution ((I know what it’s like, it can be too slippery a slope to chance at certain times in life))—but it ends hopefully, which is why I’m saying it at all.)

And actually, going from “there’s nothing good in me” to “why am I even alive? What’s the point of me, then?” is scary because yes, it can lead to suicide…but that is logical. It is natural. If you stop at “there’s nothing good in me,” then yeah, the conclusion of that thought, alone, is hopelessness. Of course it is. Of course that’s why we shy away from it.

But you’re not supposed to stop there. You’re not supposed to stop at “there’s nothing good in me.” And really, you’re not even supposed to begin there either.

That’s just the middle part.

The beginning part is, “there was supposed to be something good and worthy about me—I was made in the image of God. He bothered making me, and loved me and wanted to make me, when He didn’t have to. He set humans apart and gave them dominion over everything else He created; we were special, we were chosen, and even now we get to have something His other heavenly supernatural creations, angels, don’t have. I was made as His “very” good creation—everything else was just ‘good.’ I am special to Him; He made me special.”

Then the middle part is: “And it’s ruined. And there’s nothing good in and of me, because I reject the very source of Goodness, and I reject what I was made to be, which is good. And I’m not special—because I reject the One who invented “specialness” and gets to decide what that is. And I’m not worthy—“

Then the best part, the conclusion is: “—except that GOD GETS TO DECIDE WHAT “worthiness” IS, and what “worthiness” is for, and HE said having a right relationship with me instead of leaving me as an evil empty corrupt creature of the dirt was worth the ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate sacrifice is what I’m worth, and the ultimate purpose is what I’m worthy for.”

If I didn’t have that last part, that part that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God, I wouldn’t be here to type this, about ten times over.

There is no hope, no light, no truth, no life, inside of you by yourself. It’s only outside of you. It’s only in God.

But there’s a third point of view here. We’ve established Point of View 1) “I’m worthy because God says I am,” and we’ve established the one that gets stuck halfway, Point of View 2) “I’m evil and there’s nothing good in me.”

But then there’s Point of View 3) “Yahweh doesn’t get to decide what makes me good or worthy or anything because if He did, that would make Him God—in charge—and I don’t want Him to be in charge of me, or to say anything about me; therefore the only thing that matters is what I say and how I feel about myself. Hope, hopelessness, worth, unworthiness; it’s all defined and felt by me, for me, nobody else…(which makes me God.)”

Point of View 3 is the one that most people are actually stuck on. So they reach for it and condemn anyone who has Point of View 1, and meanwhile try to encourage Point of View 2 people to get to Point of View 3 with them.

But Point of View 3 is going nowhere. It’s empty and hollow. Because once you decide you can define good for yourself, and worthiness for yourself, both “good” and “worthy” change to be whatever you want them to be moment-to-moment, and therefore…lose all objective, real meaning. And even if you can fool yourself into thinking that Point of View 3, which does not line up with reality, isn’t as hollow as it is, you’ll still have to deal with the consequences of that eventually.

Read the book of Romans, or the book of John. It’s all there.

Romans 2:11-12:

“…Remember that you were at that time without Christ, alienated from the citizenship of Israel, and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

[sokkastyles]

Hi,

Hope you are doing well. Thank you for the answer to my previous query.

I have seen some of the stuff on Ursa that you have reblogged, and from that one thought came to my mind. Ozai says (or implies) that Ursa killed Azulon, but I can't help but wonder if he killed Azulon himself, and placed the blame on Ursa, using that as an excuse to banish her, and she sadly went along with it, if it meant her children were alive, but left in Ozai's care. I am just wondering if its a possibility because of the kind of person Ozai is established to be.

Another thought that come to mind, which I think you might have addressed earlier, is about Iroh. Iroh cannot be blamed for not being able to help Azula. Azula was already made to believe from a young age that her uncle is a lazy fatso and a disgrace for abandoning the seige on Ba Sing Se because he lost his son. For Iroh to be able to help Azula, it either feels like an AU has to happen, or he kidnaps her or something, because in canon, he had no power to do so, and the only reason Iroh was even able to help Zuko is because they were far away from Ozai for three years, and even then it was hard.

(I am not using comics plotlines here, only the TV series).

I would like your thoughts on this.

Oh, I definitely think Ursa killed Azulon. What I meant was that the circumstances under which it happens are such that Ursa would have believed it was the only way to save Zuko. And, in fact I think it's more in Ozai's character to have Ursa do his dirty work because 1) he is fundamentally a coward, and 2) it gives him something he can hold over Ursa to reinforce the idea that she actually was in the wrong, not him.

This is also consistent with what he does to Zuko, making him believe that his abuse of him was his fault for "dishonoring" himself, when in reality, Ozai manipulated him.

So like, debating about whether Ursa only made the poison or whether she poured it down Azulon's throat herself seems meaningless to me because either way Ozai manipulated her into a position where he got his way and she took the blame for it.

Agree about Iroh and Azula. The thing people have to realize is that Azula even in flashbacks hated Iroh enough to burn a gift he got her, which shows both a lack of empathy and a destructive intention that she ALSO shows in the present timeline when she, y'know, repeatedly tries to kill him. Iroh isn't obligated to help someone who is a danger to himself (and definitely not while he has to keep Zuko safe from her), but even then, I absolutely think he would want to once it is safe for him to do so.

[evilguywhoisevil]

harukAUTISM? its more likely than you think

he has not been formally diagnosed up until being in zool, as

kujo does not know or care much about autism.

neither does his grandmother, and she wouldn't be able to take him any specialist appointments either.

haruka only gets diagnosed in the first place because his PCP has seen him long enough to recognize his autistic tendencies (quick to frustration, difficulty with expressing emotion/communication, nervous avoiding eye contact, "immature" for his age, etc) and suggest he see a specialist.

he would ruminate on it for a bit, and would open up slightly after being prodded to because touma noticed he was feeling nervous. haruka doesn't state that its an autism diagnosis he's seeking- haruka isn't 100% certain that he even has autism in the first place (he doesn't know much about it), and he doesn't wanna look like an idiot if it turns out he doesn't.

so he goes to the specialist right. alone. which makes him nervous, and especially since he's the oldest patient there. (he can't seek an adult diagnosis yet, and the only doctors office within range is aimed at young children and toddlers).

by a stroke of luck, the doctor he sees actually can recognize autism in teenagers, and is easy to talk to. haruka still has to be probed a bit, as otherwise he wouldn't report traits that he has because he's autistic. ('huh??? most people can tolerate clashing fabric textures and temperatures *without* feeling constant discomfort and pain?? what do you mean teens my age don't cry so easily??? n-not that i cry *that* often!')

some sessions pass. they're kinda expensive but haruka is learning so much and is both relieved he has answers and is frustrated he just didn't know this sooner. ('it's his fault, right? i mean, the doctor mentioned a lot of people turn to online support groups if they don't have anyone else to talk to about autism... he could have done something like that and saved himself so much issues...')

he opens up about the nature of the sessions to touma- after a few sessions, zool would have known he has doctors visits *for something* but would not have cared enough to ask for more information. (before zool becomes real friends obviously). the thing is, touma talks loud. not on purpose. haruka tells him to keep it down (he doesnt want anyone else to know just yet). unfortunately, someone does overhear. torao. he didnt hear much, but he did hear touma ask haruka how long he's known about the autism. (not super long, haruka would reply). torao knows very little about autism outside of the times hes heard the related slur used as an insult. even then he hasnt heard that term much. what torao *does* know is that autism is a 'disease', and given how often harukas been going to the doctor for a while it must be at least somewhat serious... it is in these circumstances that torao makes a fatal error of assuming that autism and aneurysms are related in someway due to how theyre spelled and pronounced. he also doesnt know what an aneurysm is, only that its lethal. later that day, after zool is done practicing their choreography (which torao struggled with, distracted by the idea that haruka has some kind of fatal disease), torao talks to haruka in private. haruka does not know why this is happening or why torao is so serious for once. torao offers to cover any medications, visits, or hospital stays haruka needs. ('did he find out', haruka thinks, 'but how?! i was so careful to be quiet about it. touma must have told him, jerk... but why would i need a hospital stay...?') it is not until torao also offers to help haruka experience more adult things (alcohol and women mostly) in case he doesnt make it long enough to experience himself is that haruka suspects something is seriously wrong. 'gross! dont just bring those up for no reason', haruka begins, 'and im not- why are you acting like im dying??' torao frowns. sure, he doesnt know haruka well (at this point in time), and what he does know about haruka paints him as a childish, immature teenager, but hes still a kid. he hasnt even had the chance to grow up, and he doesnt have any guardians that hes mentioned that would be able to properly care for him. haruka is trying to navigate having a terminal condition (the deadly disease known as autism aka an aneurysm which is definitely a progressive illness and not something you die very quickly from) all by himself. hes not that heartless, of course torao would want to help him out. now more so since haruka seems adamant on pretending like nothing is wrong. torao just shakes his head at harukas response, tells him he doesnt have to explain the details if he doesnt want to yet and that he wont pry. haruka is still terribly confused and hopes that torao isnt doing some weird form of pity towards his autism... or that torao thinks hes dying. unfortunately, ryou, out of the goodness of his heart (and not out of boredom and desire to torment them in a group setting) was there to pickup his favorite idol group and invite them to a delicious dinner at his apartment! they'll come, right? its not like they have anything better to do, right? it's not like they'll be somewhere where he can't find them, right?

he has minami and touma but goes back with them into the dance room to get haruka and torao (he notes those two don't interact on their own very much, this must be something secretive? how fun!) and the three of them end up overhearing the entire conversation.

ryou is mad. its not like he cares about harukas health that much, but he put in so much effort into finding and training his guy to be an anti-idol and he's just gonna die!? asshole, how could he just leave like this. (at least when momo did it, he wasn't on the verge of death).

touma cannot hide his shock, and probably ends up barging into the room koolaid man style. 'HUH??? ISUMI YOU'RE DYING???' minami is considerably less emotional but is still visibly worried (as much as she can she's willing to show at least). haruka starts sputting out a defense, a clarification, an insult- his brain takes too long to decide what he will say and ryou cuts him off. basically blames haruka for dying and starts whining that itll be so hard to find another boar in his place and that he could have at least waited until they finished doing their upcoming music video. touma reasonably gets mad at ryou for this and asks what the hell is wrong with him and ryou threatens him with murder (again) and is getting the sickest side eye from minami and torao. haruka just blurts out that he ISN'T dying and he cant believe that everyone in this room is so incredibly stupid (minami will remember this) to think of something so crazy when all he has is AUTISM! and immediate regret. ryou gives haruka a distinct look, probably disgust and annoyance. minami is quietly relieved, touma is overtly relived, and torao doesn't feel any better until after ryou says 'that's it? but i was looking forward to seeing you in a hospital bed! you got my hopes up for nothing, all you idols are the same.' and his mood is sooo sour that he doesn't even want to torment zool *at that moment* (the plans he had for dinner wouldn't be good enough at this point for the level of disappointment he feels) and ends up ditching all 4 of them. torao, who is still somewhat unaware, asks why ryou was disappointed when haruka still has a 'disease' and then has to be explained by all 3 of his bandmates that autism doesn't kill you. ('and stop talking about it like it's contagious! ugh, you're so dumb sometimes you make touma look smart.' -haruka).

[squeakadeeks]

hello, here to pester you with a question >:3!

where do you get the money to make your cosplays?? i'm in the middle of crafting a bunch of stuff for a plant convention and gyatt damn everythings so pricey

:((

along with the storage ive been getting this one a bunch too haha

to tell true, this is no fault on your part so no frets here at all !!! BUT i'm not comfortable discussing my personal finances online. because on a wide scale, anything in regards to money gets incredibly niche to a person's circumstances and will make people get upset/can leave you vulnerable to a lot of bad things. My pay scale and spending habits are not something i'm hip to sharing online since its really private and opens a lot of dangerous doors. (also my spending habits are not exactly healthy or generalizable either.) I'm not saying this to like...dodge being a secret billionaire or anything, but even if i say "i work a STEM job" I've had people get weird about even just that information.

That being said, there are ways i make cosplay more affordable.

usually in-store fabric shopping at say joanns, is just about as expensive as it gets. if you have to shop only at joanns, michaels, etc the bill racks up fast. There are some in-store fabric shops that are cheaper, especially if they are wholesalers or general fabric warehouses, but those are not easy to find outside of cities most often. Joanns does have good coupons, and i can only shop at joanns these days if i have a coupon or there's a sale on that fabric type i'm interested in!

online wholesale fabric shops are a good way to find fabrics that are at lower prices, but then it does incur extra shipping costs. because of that i try to limit the number of orders I make (more orders, more extra shipping). this looks like grouping orders between projects, or even compromising on fabric types based on the stock of one website so i dont have to split an order between two sites.

sometimes you really do have to sacrifice material type. theres been a number of projects this year that i wanted to make out of a nicer type of fabric, even Thistle for example i considered making out of a dupioni, but it was just too dang expensive. dupioni would be around $25 a yard...vs poly suede which is $6. or even a cheaper satin at $3 a yard is a common sub i use as well. I also very frequently have to throw out entire cosplay ideas just based on cost since its just not feasible no matter how many compromises i make.

reduce the burden by extending your timeline. unfortunately theres no way around it, most projects i make are $200-300, and thats....fairly low in the grand scheme of things for crafting-focused cosplayers on mid sized projects. but either way, dropping all of that at once in one place is a huge blow to the wallet. but if you break up that whole $200 cost into say...$20 chunks from one week to the next, its softer. if you cant or dont want to reduce your budget, expanding your timeline is a good solution. now granted, that does cause a problem with the whole "less orders means less shipping costs" but the weighing of those two scenarios has to be done person to person/project to project.

STOCKING UP....when there are sales or other things, building a horde can be a great move. like silverbell didnt actually show up much on my finances this month because all the fabric i used on his suit was storage fabric. so it was ""free"" to me this month, because i already bought it.....3 years ago...and that money isnt real anymore haha.

this is really regional and depends on where you are, but thrift stores can have material sections that have good fabrics as well as sheets/blankets/base garments etc. ive been weirdly lucky with finding great fabrics at thrift stores...like literal joanns fabric for half the cost there, but thats super SUPER hit or miss and not something i rely on, but i do check that section whenever i'm there

[postmail]

okay i cant help myself. lets talk about ishmael’s stepmother from the tidbit about sleep paralysis.

i find this tiny choice in characterization to be fascinating - with just one word, it implies so much, yet leaves so much vague, leaves so many unanswered questions at the same time.

like. stepmother? why does he have a stepmother? are his parents divorced? dead? just... missing?

lets lay the groundwork - ill admit, i have little clue how custody had worked back in the 1800s, but i did do some research into divorce of the time. no-fault divorce (divorce that you dont have to justify/ have a reason for) was not legal in the states until 1969. in order to receive a divorce, a spouse needed to abuse, cheat on, or in some way wrong their innocent spouse. innocent is notable - technically, if you both wronged eachother, then you did not have grounds for a divorce, because neither of you were the innocent victim in this scenario. this meant if you were in an unhappy marriage, you would just have to suck it up - or, lie to the court, which was a thing people did and got away with. apparently, most places didnt care enough to actually check your claims.

another thing - ishmael notes that she is his stepmother, but does not seem to think this needs any explanation. this, to me, could mean a few different things -

one, its likely that, whatever happened with his biological parents, he was old enough to remember it, or at least remember them, since the usage of ‘stepmother’ implies a need in his mind for a distinction, whereas if he never knew his parents, he wouldn’t feel the need for it. but, his lack of clarification also tells that he was probably still young enough for this to significantly set in as his new normal, to the point where he doesnt consider having to need to explain it. this last point is corroborated by the contents of the passage - though he does not state directly state his age, he does say he was a child, and through his actions in the passage, one would be reasonable to assume he is, at most, no older than twelve.

two is perhaps that whether or not he recalls his biological parents does not matter - his stepmother had specifically instructed him that she would only be addressed as ‘stepmother’, and nothing short of it. this, too, is not an unreasonable thought - the passage paints her as a strict and stern person, and ishmael himself refers to her as ‘conscientious’, implying the type of parent to be very firm and unwavering.

now, that aside, we might see divorce as the less dramatic answer to the question - until you consider that, because of the aforementioned way things were done, this meant that one parent had to be significantly irreparable for a divorce to be allowed. one could assume that this person might have been his mother - afterall, she would be unlikely to get custody if she was in the wrong, and so it would fall to his father, who very well could have remarried another woman. note that is a stepmother - if ishmael was under the custody of his mother, he would likely have a stepfather instead, if any stepparent at all. now, this must have been rather extreme circumstances - from my brief reading, it seemed that the 1800s courts tended to favor the mothers, rather than the fathers, as it was seen in the child's best interest to be with their mother.

in the passage, ishmael informs us that it was around 2 o'clock, midday - his stepmother is the only mentioned in the scene, but this does not mean he has no other parent/ guardian. if he does live with his father, then it is entirely likely that he is simply at work in the 'flashback'.

it may seem most obvious to take the route of divorce as the answer, as we understand 'stepmother' to be something allotted for the new spouses of divorced parents. but, one must consider - children can, and often do call their caretakers any manner of things, their applicability not withstanding. for instance, i once knew someone who referred to his grandmother (who was his primary caretaker) as mimi, because it was his brother's nickname for her. it is not impossible that, finding no other term, ishmael deemed this woman to be known as 'stepmother', whether or not she actually was not withstanding.

now! another potential answer here would be parental death - it was the 1800s, afterall, people simply died all the time (well, not all the time, but you know what i mean). as we've established, ishmael's stepmother does not actually have to be his father's new wife, and perhaps she isn't. if ishmael's parents were dead, it would explain why he is seemingly mostly in the care of his stepmother, at least from what we can see. while we can assume that perhaps his father is simply at work, it is also equally plausible through the context provided in the passage that ishmael's father is not in the picture, as he is not mentioned, or even alluded to. nor, of course, is ishmael's mother.

im not sure why, but the picture this paints in my mind feels a lot more true to ishmael himself than the option that his parents are simply divorced - here we have a man, an orphan in more than one way, whose only caretaker was his strict stepmother, who, as he says it, seemed to him to want to punish him for every little thing. its a very lonely childhood - one that suits our ishmael very well. no wonder he clove so tight to queequeg - did he ever even know love that came without punishment and restriction, before he met his harpooner?

... goddamnit, ive gone and made myself sad, now.

[bredforloyalty]

it would fix them because. i changed my mind hear me out .. fix in the sense that, you have the father who feels trapped by the family he didn't plan to have and who couldn't explore his attraction to men in peace and on his own terms due to the circumstances and whose rigid ideas of masculinity and insistence on playing by the rules and preserving the status quo ("man is the head of the family. i can win life if i just perform these roles well and shove the rest under the rug. this will surely work out fine for me and mine") clearly stopped him from being happy and ruined other lives like for example his son's. he got the baggage from his dad too btw naturally and my philosophy is that people improve when they get external love and validation so far be it from me to hold it against them when they don't and i will gladly extend that to everything so i am just saying that i intend to avoid double standards here.. because everybody hurts everybody has their reasons everybody also chooses to be the way they are. anyway then you have the son who learned way too young that his father's tendencies and said khm attitudes to gender and social roles and life in general combine to make the fun little sexual habit of dominating and hurting mainly young boys and trans women (and filming it without their consent of course) so you see there's the implicit sexual terror, and there's nate knowing men are animals and that would mean he is one too which is a problem on its own but every other animal is a threat as well and you can never let your guard down because then you'll be the one getting eaten. so you have to eat. that is the traditional man's world. probably not a very solid base for developing normal self-esteem and a personality that isn't destructive, outward Or inward, not a very supportive home in that sense. and there is affection and loyalty at home ((to an extent)) but if you live like that, live and raise kids by those rules, they're never gonna feel secure because once you fail to live up to the expectations you're on your own. and they're unrealistic so you'll never be enough. tilting at windmills. know what i mean? no son of mine will wander astray (abomination), don't come running to me . when they're coming for you. desert by brand new sound of the summer (again). so there's the family as this cage where gay sexuality isn't allowed to exist or rather it is but only in the form of men violating other men (inherent to patriarchy) and so you have the kid who's terrified of having dad's other side turned towards him who actually does feel unloved and doesn't want his mother to wonder when he "darkened" or see him as a ticking bomb and does want to please his father and does want to belong, and doesn't want his parents to think of him as a failure. i am not talking conscious wants necessarily it's just that people are people and we're social creatures and we would die without love and i don't think this is an instance of a character being written as rotten to the core and incapable of having those same needs everyone has. and i don't think that would be compelling anyway so these are my assumptions. And he also struggles with sexuality away from the family and with fitting into the hetero box and that is a mix of society's fault and the fault of upbringing. so you see there is the innate need for connection that isn't being met (both in cal and nate i mean) and a possibility for catharsis in many ways. now what if this situation could be two birds one stoned

[spinningbuster98]

I must confess that, for the longest time, I did not have the best of times with Sotn.

You see for as much as people often say that this game is piss easy I used to actually have quite a bit of trouble back during my first few playthroughs. The Colosseum, Olrox, the Inverted Castle, the Clock Tower, I used to get my ass kicked quite a bit, which caused me to grow resentful towards the game.

As the years went by I gradually realised that it was mostly my fault. There was a time when RPGs were the bane of my existence, I could not get into their mechanics and Sotn's rpg mechanics were no different, moreso due to the fact that this is not a turn based rpgs but something more akin to an action rpg. I used to do some absolutely baffling mistakes. I kept forgetting what items I had in my inventory, like if I had specific armors or weapons that would be better for certain circumstances (like lightning armor to defend against the lightning attacks of Galamoth for example), I kept forgetting to use spells strategically, instead I kept trying to attack enemies with my regular weapons and sub weapons which made the Inverted Castle harder than necessary. This stuff frustrated me and when I get frustrated I play even worse

One example is my first experience against Beelzebub: I could not defeat this rotting bastard because I could not figure out how to reliably hit his head without getting pelted by his flies. I died a lot and ragequit

...then I realised I could dodge his flies by using the mist form, which I had but didn't think to use during combat encounters. And that there are a bunch of platforms in the room leading right beside Beelzebub's head. And that I could use spells like Soul Steal and Tetra Spirits to deal with him easily. Oh and that there's an Axe Subweapon right outside his room, ideal for hitting targets too high up to reach.

I, as a player, have always been shit with multiple choices. I'm the kind of player that, once he finds a solution to a problem, will keep using that solution without searching any better alternatives, and if I can't find a solution then I will keep hitting my head against that brick wall until it breaks. Sotn being a game that gives you a million different ways to approach things sort of...disoriented me you could say

But this is the reason why I've come to technically disagree with the idea that Sotn is an easy game. The game actually has several moments that can and will easily kill first time players. I'd say that Sotn is more easy to break than just plain easy

This game gives you so, SO many ways to break its difficulty in two if you have even a little sense of exploration (which is needed anyway to even progress through this game)

And I'm torn

On the one hand I technically prefer how future games will gradually attempt to better balance the difficulty, and I don't think I'd want another game that handles it like Sotn does

On the other hand however I love it when games reward my efforts by giving me overpowered tools. One of my favorite things in Classic Sonic games is abusing Super Sonic, which I love to do mainly because it's my reward for completing the games' Special Stages. You get to break the game because you were good enough to complete an extra challenge

Sotn is similar in this regard, since you usually have to either find its most game breaking tools...or they're just straight up secrets

You have to find the Holy Rod on your own if you want to break the first half of the game, you have to find Alucard's equipment in the Inverted Castle to get through that place more easily, you either have to find out on your own or look up on the Internet that you can use late game spells early on

And while most people claim that this game's difficulty is due to the developers being inexperienced with this new style...I think this was at least partly done on purpose

Do you think that putting stuff like the Crissaegrim or the Alucard Shield was an accident? Or stuff like this?

Remember: Sotn was purposefully made easier than the Classics to be more accessible, so I genuinely believe that most of this balancing was by design, in fact I think that Sotn is quite literally not properly designed to be chellenging.

Even if you go out of your way to not equip anything on Alucard to make him as weak as possible you'll find that the game just becomes frustrating, at least to me, as the enemy placement is often far too cluttered for you not to wear armor to mitigate most of the damage and bosses especially either barely try to attack you seriously (Cerberus) or their attacks barely follow any pattern and barely feel like you can reliably dodge their attacks without specific tactics. It just doesn't feel anywhere close to as deliberatly designed as the Classics in this regard, everything feels designed knowing that you're going to steamroll over everything using OP equipment

Sotn, to me, is the equivalent of a power fantasy: it's not about having a challenge, it's about doing short work of the opposition in spectacularily overpowered and flashy ways, because you're playing as the son of the Dark Lord himself and he does not fuck around (and of course Richter himself has his peculiarities though I'll probably mention him next time)

I'm personally a bit torn over how this impacts exploration: ideally you'd want to explore in a game to get more powerful in order to more easily handle challenges. But since Sotn gives you such over powered tools you can basically ignore most weapons and armors. Even stuff like Life and Heart ups can be mostly ignored, which makes exploration, partly useless

But at the same time, as I mentioned, it's through exploration that you gain some of these tools in the first place and I believe that, at its best, Sotn's exploration can actually be even better than Super Metroid's!

In that game, other than the plethora of item expansions and the mostly progression required upgrades the only truly unique stuff you can find completely on your own were beam upgrades

Here not only is it completely up to you to find the most broken weapons, stuff like the various extra powers for Alucard's transformations and the gravity boots feel more rewarding to find as they influence his movement in big ways and are generally more exciting that just having a different beam weapon