#because everything comes back to ziva lmao

[pro-bee]

I wish you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you

[not me using a song lyric on an ELLICK fic when I don’t even know them lmao]

quick fic that was stuck in my head after the drama from last night... which I didn’t even watch.

This is for my boos @indestinatus @delicatefalice @wanna-be-bold and everyone else who are hurting from last night. (Also @coffeedepablo because I know she doesn’t watch for Ellick either but she likes new things to read lmao)

Disclaimer: as I mentioned, I have not watched this show in forever, so I hope I did your Nick justice, guys. Also, I haven’t proofread this.

Spoilers: Season 18 finale

Characters: Nick Torres, Ziva David. Mentions of a certain agent who has gone rogue.

----

“You were wrong, you know.”

“Excuse me?”

To say you could cut the tension with a knife would be a gross understatement. A chainsaw, maybe. But the broody agent has said nary a word all day, the torment plastered all over his face speaking for him. 

“About me and Ellie. When you said— You don’t even know how wrong you were.”

“Agent Torres, I—“ She tries to find the words to convey decades of heartbreak and lessons learned in response, but he doesn’t give her the chance.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. No offense, Ziva, but I shouldn’t have listened to you.”

She aches at the sight of his obvious pain, one she knows all too well herself. (From both the inflicting and receiving ends.)

“You know, I thought you were full of crap at first. No— Part of me knew you were right, okay, but the bigger part knew there was a reason not to go there. That it was better to just let it run its course. But then your irritating voice was niggling at me in the back of my head to tell her. To stop being a wuss. And I resisted it, I really did, because I knew what would happen. I knew it. But, I caved. I put it out there. And I couldn’t take it back. And you know what happened?

“She said it back. And it— it gave me hope, you know. It’s so fucking stupid I could— But it did. And do you know how that felt?”

“How?” She can see the rage firing behind the despair in his voice, and already knows this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

“Fucking fantastic, that’s what. Honest to God fantastic. And before I knew it, it was gone. No, not gone— it ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it into a million pieces. She just— Ziva, she just left.” Because they always leave. That’s the moral of the story. It doesn’t matter how much you love them or they love you, one way or another, they walk out of your life and leave you to pick up the pieces. This is a cycle that will never end. “It’s like none of it mattered. Like I didn’t matter. I guess I didn’t.” 

“You know that’s not true.” She wishes they were really friends, that she could do and say the things that would bring comfort in moments like these. But they aren’t, so she settles for being his emotional punching bag while he works this out.

“Do I? We had this talk, you know. The Talk. She claimed she felt the same way about me, but obviously not enough to tell me what was going on or give me the damn courtesy to let me know she was leaving. Do you know that? She was going to leave without saying a word, even after everything we— She just left.” The words hang in the air, and she tries not to think about how she too was once the one who just left. Too many years of solitude (and now, therapy) have told her not to revisit this well of misery. Yet seeing the aftermath in front of her opens old wounds she’d never fully believed would ever heal. 

“Torres, I am so sorry. If I had known, I would have—“

He scoffs, and rolls his eyes. “What? Stopped her? You and I both know that wouldn’t happen.”

“I won’t pretend to know how you feel, and I can’t even say I know why she left, because I don’t, but if I can offer some insight from the other side… Sometimes that feeling that drives you to do these things is stronger than even your feelings the people you love. Certainly more than your own well-being. I don’t know what she’s doing, or where she is, but all I can say is… Sometimes you feel like you’re cornered, and the only thing you know how to do is to push everyone else away to keep them safe from you. It is not rational, nor is it healthy, but— sometimes, this thing inside overtakes everything else. I can promise you it really has nothing to do with how she feels for you.”

“I should be enough.” He softens; all he wants is to be enough someday. 

“Yes, you should. But right now, she isn’t even enough for herself. She does not want you involved because that would make her face that.”

The fatigue washes over him, as though the conversation will draw his last breath.

“I’m just… I’m mad. I’m so mad. At her. At myself. At Odette. At you. At… everyone.” 

“I know.”

“I miss her.”

“I know.”

“This sucks.”

“I know.”

They stand there together in the silence for a moment, coming to a place of understanding at their unfortunate reason for kinship at the moment.

“You really don’t know where she is?”

“No. Odette has not involved me in anything since I’ve been home. She wants to keep my family safe.”

Oh, the irony.

He snorts, unleashing the rising bitterness again: “But she has no problem putting Ellie’s in danger?”

“I wish I knew. All I can tell you is if Odette pulled Agent Bishop into this, then there must have been a good reason. But if it got to this point— there must not have been any other choice.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Sorry. I never was known for my tact.”

He relents a little, knowing this doesn’t really have anything to do with her. “I think you do okay.”

She offers him a gentle smile in appreciation. “I really wish things had worked out differently.”

“Me too.”

“But Agent Torres? I promise you it was worth it.” He understands the it she’s talking about. “She knows. And you know.”

He stares at the floor, lost in his thoughts, and she wonders what she should do to help at the moment. For all her experience at heartbreak, watching it from the sidelines is a decidedly different experience. 

“Can I buy you a beer?”

“Nah. I’ll take a rain check on that, though. For when I’m a little less mad at you.” She laughs softly, and the corners of his mouth turn up in what may be the first hint of a smile he’s had in months. 

“Deal.”

“And Ziva?”

“Hmm?”

“I can still take you down.” Fake it till you make it, right?

“I will believe that when I see it.” She takes this as her cue to leave. “Night Agent Torres.”

“Night,” he answers over his shoulder as she heads to the elevator. He stands in the darkened bullpen, lost in his thoughts and his turmoil, but somehow, he feels a little better. (And a little bitter.)

Because she knows.

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

6,19,30,34 :)

6. A fic that made you put your phone down to walk around for a minute

Alright so let’s talk about the time I read Something Blue by @indestinatus in a single day. Sofia herself undoubtedly knows this story, and honestly, the piano thing might have made other people aware of this story, too, but... this story really IS my whole review, lmao. Okay so here’s what went down: I had read part of the fic before, but I just got it in my head one day that I wanted to read the WHOLE ASS THING, all at once. This was riiiiiiight after quarantine started, so I thought, might as well day drink, I don’t have anywhere to be. Well, one drink turned into two turned into five and next thing I know, I’ve given myself a HORRIFIC crying headache as I drunkenly sob my way through this beautiful ass wedding story. I honestly had to take a break and go for a short walk in my neighborhood to clear my head toward the end, because I was way too emotional and I knew that was just going to get worse, lmao. All that to say: like all other Tiva-loving fic readers, I have been totally captivated by Something Blue. It’s so fun, so aesthetic, so lighthearted, so sweet! Read it if you haven’t! Just don’t drink a million strawberitas while you do it because you’ll end up with a hangover from both drinking AND crying... enough said, lmao. Just under 100k words (for now), incomplete but still being worked on. 

19. A slow burn fic you like

Wild as the Wind by Aksannyi. Okay, so if you’re not familiar, this is a fic that departs canon at the end of season 10: after quitting NCIS, Ziva finds herself vulnerable to the evil intentions of a group bent on getting revenge for the death of Ilan Bodner, so she (and Tony) disappear into the Brazilian rainforest to go off-grid and live somewhere safe from pissed off terrorists. Honestly, the premise is so fun, and it has totally convinced my suburbian ass that I’m ready to go build my own cabin dozens of miles from civilization. If that’s not enough to convince a prospective reader, let me add: this has some WILDLY hot smut, y’all. Truly life-changing. Is there anything better than sweaty, dirty jungle sex? (Answer: no.) And on to the slow burn part... obviously, Tony and Ziva are in for a huge change in dynamic when they suddenly become each other’s ONLY company for the forseeable future. Not to give anything away plot-wise, but they get progressively closer as the fic goes and the pining is REAL. It’s SO well done--frustrating and oh-so-satisfying when that spark finally catches! It features not only some thrilling, heart-racing terrorist-centered drama but also a million little soft, sweet moments as Tony and Ziva become each other’s family. (In the interest of full disclosure, I’m only like halfway through this one, but several people have told me it only gets better from there, and I recommend this with total confidence!) Just under 200k words, complete.

30. A fic you stayed up all night to read

All Fall Down by mon-petit-pois (on fanfiction.net). (TW/CW: there are descriptions of sexual assault and drugging (among other serious topics) in this fic, please be aware!) So this is maybe the only abandoned fic that I’ll ever recommend, but... it’s a truly engaging, original AU. It follows a young Ziva as she settles into her new under-the-radar life in the US with Ari and (the original) Tali after spending several incredibly traumatic and harrowing years undercover for Mossad. She meets one Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo after she’s injured in a mugging attempt, and the two strike up an unlikely friendship as she tries to come to terms with everything she has gone through and what her past means for her future. Okay, so for why I’m recommending it: the story of Ziva’s life undercover in Be’er-Sheva is told through flashbacks, and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to stop reading. You’ll sit there in horror, your hand over your mouth as you root for baby Ziva harder than you’ve ever rooted for anyone in your life. Meanwhile, the story progresses in present time and you’ll find yourself obsessing over the absurdly innocent friendship-that-might-turn-into-more between Ziva and Tony when they’re in a wildly different set of circumstances! And there’s a pretty major plot twist introduced in the beginning of the story that puts an entirely new spin on everything... you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll want to put your head through a wall when you reach the end of what’s posted. Just over 200k and seemingly abandoned, but abandoned close enough to the end of the tale that it’s pretty easy to extrapolate and figure out how the fic is likely to end. So it’s kinda :(/:), I guess, lol. 

34. One fic everyone should read

Am I really going to recommend my THIRD Jess fic of the day? You bet I am! Everyone should read leave before the lights come on by @benditlikepress! This is my favorite of all of her fics, and y’all know that’s saying a lot. The plot: Tony and Ziva cross paths at a bar right before she’s set to go back to Israel between Kill Ari (Part II) and Silver War, and, well... there’s no harm in a little inter-agency fraternization now that NCIS and Mossad have finished their business, is there? Okay, for starters, this fic is STRAIGHT FIRE. It’s hot. It’s smutty. Read at your own risk. (You won’t regret it!) Honestly, this fic sticks in my brain like few do, which is why I recommend it to everyone even though it’s fairly short... it just leaves THAT much of an impact. It’s truly masterful the way Jess weaves the pre-existing sexual tension and mutual attraction between newly-introduced Tony & Ziva with a very realistic question of what-would-have-been. (Notice I don’t say might-have-been, because no one can convince me that this wouldn’t have played out in EXACTLY the way that Jess describes it.) If you squint a little, it’s even pretty close to canon-compliant! It’s such an enticing, seductive tug into the early T/Z dynamic, and honestly, my soul has never been crushed quite like it was the day I read this fic and realized I had reached the end of it. It’s brilliant, it’s SUPER in character, and it’s honestly what we as Tiva fans deserve. 9k words, complete.

Thanks for the ask, Annalise! <3 

fic comment ask meme

[pro-bee]

I blame @indestinatus​ and @coffeedepablo​ for this but picture this: Ziva forgetting a shirt or scarf at Tony’s during that summer and it becomes this running joke between them because it just stays there, and the symbolism flies over both of their heads (or not). Until suddenly that summer is over as soon as it started, and neither of them mention it for entirely different reasons. One day, Tony’s cleaning up before he’s supposed to meet up with Jeanne, and finds the item buried in the bottom of a drawer. He can’t help himself and takes a sniff because it smells like her. He knows he should give it back, and it shouldn’t be awkward because it’s not like it ever meant anything, but he shoves it back in the drawer, because he can’t bring himself to get rid of it either. Because it was from before everything got so fucked up and he couldn’t find a way out of it. And he keeps coming back to it every time he needs a little dose of self-flagellation, because they were all wrong, only they weren’t.

(Tagging @indestinatus and @coffeedepablo again because the links aren’t working or something idk and @delicatefalice because she knows how to finish the job ts started lmao)

[pro-bee]

what are some tiva/tivali headcanons of yours?? ❤🤗

Oh my gosh, where do I start???

I mean, there are the obvious ones:

- Summer of Secret Sex happened

- Tiva did the friends-with-benefits thing off-and-on over the years, duh

- Tony and Ziva crossed the line after the S10 finale. They were a go. It was new to both of them, but Ziva doesn’t use emoticons and “xoxo” in her messages if she’s not involved with the guy, sorry.

Current day head canons:

- The first night Ziva made it home to Paris was the first time she’d slept semi-soundly in over seven years.

- That was also the first time Tony had slept soundly in almost as long.

- Tony and Jimmy’s monthly Fortnite dates have turned into monthly Palmer/David-DiNozzo family Zoom dates, since everything is out in the open now and they can relax. (Tony used to use the Fortnite distraction as a way of hanging out with Palmer and connecting with him, without letting the Ziva secret slip.)

- Obviously, I’m all for Tiva to return to DC to be closer to their extended family. But the longer this dumpster fire of a year goes on, the more I’m coming around to the idea of them cocooning themselves in Paris to reconnect as a family. Ziva finally gets to experience the city she loves on her own terms, and Tony gets to have his movie moment walking along the Seine and seeing the sights, as touristy as they are. (Of course, this is in an AU in which Covid doesn’t exist.)

- When they move back to DC, they go do a dog adoption fair at Tali’s insistence, but Ziva ends up falling for a shy dog all by her lonesome. (In my head it’s a pittie mix, because every pit mix I’ve ever met has been the sweetest and cuddliest dog.) The volunteer says they haven’t really been able to adopt her out, because she doesn’t immediately ingratiate herself to families the way a lot of dogs do, but this dog instantly takes a shine to Ziva, because they recognize the battle scars behind their eyes. Ziva understands the dog needs some space to be her own "person” and recover from her past, and the dog understands Ziva needs reassurance when she has her own attacks. Tali may finally get her dog, but Ziva’s the one who gets her peace. Tony’s a little wary of the drooling and shedding on his bespoke suits, but seeing the girls light up is good enough for him. (Whoops, this may have been a fic idea I never got around to, so now you get it for free lol.)

- The issue of Ziva’s homeland is a touchy subject. She has such a complicated relationship with it. It’s in her blood, and she loves it with all her heart. But it’s fair to say that it’s a double-edged sword, because of all the dark parts of her and Tony’s relationship associated with it too. Not to mention the fact that the last time she was there, she watched her home burn to the ground. But she does want to go back one day, to show Tony the place she’s from, without the spectre of death following them around everywhere, and show Tali where she was born, and where her grandparents and great-grandparents were from. And maybe to heal some of the wounds they don’t like to admit are there from the time she lived there alone with Tali. They do eventually return, and have a very emotional reunion with Ziva’s aunts.They visit Shmeil in the care home he now lives in, and while his body is failing, his mind is as sharp as ever, and he tells them “I knew you’d figure this all out.” Tali loves swimming in the ocean, and Ziva loves grounding herself in the sand. Tony breathes a smile of relief, because they made it. 

- uuuum this is long enough so I’m gonna end this here lmao

Honesty Hour Asks

[pro-bee]

RE: tony/ziva headcanons (I know these have been subject matters of a bajilliion fics since ziva came back but I don't care that they've been written about before because i am who i am!!!!) - How their first date goes (now that they have a child and are officially together - the first time they wake up together after ziva comes back - the first time after ziva comes back that they acknowledge and label it. This sounded better in my head so i hope this makes sense!!!! Thank you! AAAAAAAA

Mikey, always coming in for the feels!

lol, some of this is stuff I considered for my fic that won’t end, it’s like you read my mind haha.

Oh man, their first official date? This is so weird. When I started writing my fic in, like, January (or was it even December?), I was thinking about this, and then Covid hit and I was like, “nah, there is no Covid in my Tiva world,” but the longer this goes on, the more I forget what it’s like to actually go out and do things, and that people can experience that, lol.

I may have touched upon this a little in my fic 👀but I feel like their first official date, as a couple, by themselves, with no kid, is probably something low-key. Both because, you know, there’s still a lot of unresolved trauma that they (especially Ziva) have to deal with, and they’re probably taking baby steps, and also... like, yes, they’re the weirdos who have an instant family, but never officially dated, so like, they kind of skipped over that dating phase? Tony’s a sentimental guy, but they kind of jumped over the bringing-a-candlelit-dinner-to-work phase of their relationship. 

Which is not to say that he wouldn’t want to make some grand gesture sometimes... But when it comes to their first one-on-one time post-In The Wind, I feel like it would be something simple like going to a café together after dropping Tali off at school (lmao spoiler alert for my fic?), trying to navigate this “them” while still being them. It’s weird, because yes, their relationship is different now, but at the same time... they really aren’t. In my head, they’ve figured out that the thing that makes them work isn’t the big pressure of the romantic relationship, but the base of their friendship is what informs everything else. Trying to put pressure on it is what gets them into trouble; when they are themselves, that’s when they’re at their best. 

So, in my head, they spent the first few weeks when Ziva got home connecting as a family, just because a) they had a five year old to deal with b) as much as Ziva loves Tony, I’m sure her primal maternal instincts were zeroed in on Tali and trying to reconnect with her and c) it was the holidays, so they had that on the back burner and kind of as a buffer to take the pressure off the reconnecting bit. It was when Tali had to go back to school and things went back to “normal” that they kind of had to start thinking about these things. 

(So, the tl;dr: they went out for brunch at a café like two grown-ups, then raced home when they realized they had the apartment to themselves for the first time lmao.)

I feel like the first night Ziva came home, there was probably this, like, slightly nervous, mostly excited air in their home, and then when Tali finally went to bed, there was a moment of awkwardness like “lol so here we are? finally?” but then they reconnected and were like “I’m glad it’s over” and fell into their usual pattern. I still feel like something major happened in Cairo (besides the obvious) that they had some sort of outburst initially because they were both like WHAT THE FUCK??? for different reasons, but then they put their cards on the table and Tony was like “ok, from now on, we’re a blank slate, and our only concern is ending this thing so we can get back together, got it?” 

Just the confidence Ziva had in her feelings for Tony and his for her -- even before she left the show, we knew Ziva had low self-esteem when it came to her personal relationships, and probably anxiety already too, so if they hadn’t sorted that out, hadn’t explicitly stated their intentions, I don’t think Ziva would have been so assured about going back to Tony. Like, we saw her express her doubts about herself as a partner to Gibbs, but that was about her own demons; it was never, “I don’t know if Tony will still want me after all this.” It was more, “How am I going to be able to be there for him on the days where I feel like this?” She never doubted her position in his life or hers in his, it was more, how do I navigate my mental illness so that I can be fully present in my family’s life?

SO, that sidebar is just to say, that I see their first night together as slightly awkward, just because this is the first time they’ve been together where their lives aren’t threatened since before Tali, and again, they did the family thing before they did the couple thing for any real length of time. (Like, they were a couple for five minutes before Ziva went to Israel to visit, and then they ended up getting separated for years...) But like, not awkward-awkward, if that makes sense, just like, “lol how dumb are we right now?” awkward. But then Tony says some corny line, and she laughs, and they fall back into their habits. And then some, lol. And that is the first time either of them sleep peacefully in like six years. And then when they wake up they’re all gross and happy and shit.

WOW THIS IS WAY TOO LONG I BLAME YOU MIKEY

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

okay hear me out - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 and twenty. for the ask thingy, please ma'am

Gonna go ahead and tag @wanna-be-bold here because your ask clearly had some overlap with Sofia’s mega-ask. XD 

1. who is the hardest character for you to write? Anyone outside of my normal ships, lol. I’m pretty comfortable with Tiva but you throw Vance (and his toothpick) in there? I’m gonna struggle. 

2. who is the easiest character for you to write? Ziva, I think, or an original character I wrote years ago. Characters I really feel like I understand! 

3. How do you know if your writing is “in character”? I don’t, lmao. I just write what feels right and then hope for the best!

4. Where do your story ideas come from? YOU SOF. And sometimes other places too, lol. But seriously, a lot of my ideas are sparked from the fics of other writers! I love a good “what if” that stems from a different “what if”.

5. Do you tell the people in your life that you write fics? Lmao. Well you know my mom read WAAO so you really think I keep any secrets after that? Everyone in my life knows what I love and I don’t hesitate to talk their ears off about it all! 

6. What has been the hardest fic for you to write? We Are an Ocean, definitely. There’s so much more range to it than anything else I’ve ever written, so I’ve had to figure out how to shift gears from smut to fluff to plot to angst and back again! 

7. What fic of yours makes you the most emotional? The Place Where the Light Enters, a very old collab I never finished, lmao. That story saw me through some tough times and we put our characters through some REAL TOUGH times, too! Actually, one of my tattoos relates back to it, lol. “I picked up a pen; I wrote my own deliverance.”

8. What is a scene you wrote that you are most proud of? Gotta be some scene from That We May Forgive, but I’m not sure which one. I just know that’s the fic I’m most proud of!

9. Is there one character that you refuse to write? why? Ehhhhhh not really. But there are definitely characters I don’t enjoy writing. Jenny Shepard, lookin’ at you! 

10. When you write fics, how much of canon are you willing to ignore/skip over? Lmao. Depends on the day, my mood, and the fic in question. I love AUs so really I’m willing to throw everything out the window. Suck it, canon writers. You don’t own me. 

11. Do you prefer to be cold or hot when you write? COLD COLD COLD COLD COLD. I’m allergic to the cold but I would love to be cold for my whole life, so long as I have a decent supply of quilts and hot tea. I can’t focus when it’s too hot... living in Ghana was a STRUGGLE.

12. What is your ideal writing area? I usually write in bed, laptop in my lap and my back leaning on a pillow propped against the wall. It’s not ideal but I don’t have a desk so it’s become MY “ideal”. 

13. How do you come up with your titles? I have zero creativity in my body so I’ll decide on a theme and then google quotes for that theme. For example, for a fic I referenced earlier, the theme was healing. I found the quote “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” (Rumi) The fic then became titled as a shortened version of that quote, The Place Where the Light Enters. 

14. How do you come up with chapter titles? I never title my chapters, lol.

15. At what point in writing a fic, do you decide to quit? I... okay, I can’t truthfully say what I was about to say. I WANTED to say “I don’t quit fics” but I have definitely abandoned a few in my day. (Haven’t done that for years, though.) Unless this question really means when I decide a fic is finished and ready to be published, in which case my answer is that I throw a dart at my nonexistent plotting paper and end the fic wherever it lands. I’m terrible at ending things, lol. 

16. How much of your personal life do you put into fics? Oof. Enough to be offended by this question, lmao. I sometimes use events from my personal life to inspire or plot fics, but more often, I explore my own confused emotions by making characters feel similar ones and writing it out. 

17. What is the most supportive comment you have gotten? Definitely something from you, @indestinatus, the queen of fic comments (and also the queen of fics, shush). But I’ve gotten some really really nice ones from strangers, too, especially on ff.net. 

18. What is the most negative comment you have gotten? Well this is embarrassing to admit. My first ever fic when I was... eh, ten years old? I tried to post it on Mugglenet, the only fanfic site I’ve ever been on that needed fics to be approved. My fic was rejected and the mod who rejected it said my main character was a Mary Sue. I’ve never recovered. 

19. How do you handle negative comments? I genuinely don’t get them often, so I’m not sure how to answer. People are usually really really nice. 

20. What story that you have written makes you the happiest to re-read? That We May Forgive! I poured my heart and soul into it. 

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

3, 4, 6, 7, 15 OMG I LOVE THIS ONE, 18 and 30!!

3. Do you write fics from start or finish, or jump around?

J U M P  A R O U N D LIKE A MONKEY ON SPEED. I’m way too ADHD to stay in one place for long in real life, why should writing be any different? XD

4. Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

I’m a trash human so... no. What are plans?

6. If you’re really concentrating, how many words can you write in a day?

My record is 13k in one night. Usually, a good day is like 5k-7k. 

7. Which part of writing do you struggle with most?

The writing itself, ahaha. I have the desire to write, and the plot, and the enthusiasm... but the actual writing? That’s actually something I’m supposed to, like, do???????? Sounds fake but ok. 

15. A Hollywood producer tells you that they want to film just one of your fics. Which fic would you want it to be?

Ehhhhhh. Probably We Are an Ocean, everything else would be too short, lol. But if I knew that there was the potential for a fic to be filmed, I’d write something entirely new, probably, and make it really cinematic, ahaha. 

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

This is the final part of Tali’s birth scene from That We May Forgive. 

When they finish and place the baby on her chest, Ziva's vision blurs for just a moment as her eyes fill with tears. She blinks impatiently, wanting nothing more than to stare at her new daughter's face and then… there she is.

Tali.

The little one's screaming has softened into muted whining, still protesting the indignities of birth but no longer shouting about it. Her wrinkled skin is still wet and bright pink from stress, but Ziva can tell it has the same olive undertone that her own skin has. Her hair is wispy and fine, barely there, a beautiful light brown in color and different in texture than either her own or Tony's. Ziva experiences that great rite of passage for new mothers everywhere, thinking passionately that hers is the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.

She drops a long, wet kiss to the tiny girl's forehead, reveling in the warmth of the skin under her lips. "Hello, little one," she breathes, and the sound of her voice, however faint, quiets Tali entirely. "I love you so, sweet girl."

She only realizes when she feels Adam's hand leave hers that he's still there at all, and her eyes flash to his with a sudden brilliant smile. "Adam," she starts, pride in her voice. "I would like you to meet Tali."

"She is perfect, Ziva," he responds earnestly, his gaze drifting from her face back to the baby's. Her own gaze follows, landing on Tali's large, dark eyes. For just a split second, too brief to ruin Ziva's euphoric mood, she wishes again that it was she and Tony staring down at Tali's small features, not she and Adam.

The real ache for Tony and its accompanying regret will come later, however, when the oxytocin and the endorphins have faded and she's truly alone with her daughter for the first time.

Okay so this scene is one of my favorite scenes from the best fic (in my opinion) that I’ve written. The entire fic is one long comparison—Ziva’s first pregnancy, alone in Israel, versus her second pregnancy, now part of a vibrant family in Paris with Tony and Tali. This scene is the culmination of that first pregnancy, the true point-of-no-return. She has made the choices she’s made and now she can never take back the fact that she kept all of this from Tony.

She’s euphoric about Tali’s birth, but that little grief still sits in the back of her mind, the undercurrent of every other thought. She’s completely and totally in love with that new tiny human, but it’s all going to hurt very much later. There’s nothing she can do to stop it.

The juxtaposition of what is and what should be is very clear in the presence of Adam vs the absence of Tony; as much as Ziva cares for Adam, as deeply as she appreciates his presence in this difficult experience, he’s a poor substitute for the man who should be there holding her hand. That’ll be reinforced later, and it’ll break her heart. Furthermore, she’ll feel it all again—even if the feeling is more of a muted echo—in experiencing a second pregnancy that’s much easier, kinder, more right. 

But above all else, I love this scene because Ziva... man, our girl is just MADE to be a mother. That was proven time and time again in season 17; she loves that kid as much as any of us can ever hope to be loved by anyone, and I took great (cathartic) joy in giving Ziva and Tali their first scene together. (I may have cried a little while writing it, shh.)

30. Tell us an idea for a longfic you want to write in the future.

Bold of you to assume I come up with ideas in advance, lmao. I wish I had a better answer than that, but I usually come up with an idea and start to write it immediately.