#2020-onwards ziva who loves love is sorely disappointed right now

[pro-bee]

I wish you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you

[not me using a song lyric on an ELLICK fic when I don’t even know them lmao]

quick fic that was stuck in my head after the drama from last night... which I didn’t even watch.

This is for my boos @indestinatus @delicatefalice @wanna-be-bold and everyone else who are hurting from last night. (Also @coffeedepablo because I know she doesn’t watch for Ellick either but she likes new things to read lmao)

Disclaimer: as I mentioned, I have not watched this show in forever, so I hope I did your Nick justice, guys. Also, I haven’t proofread this.

Spoilers: Season 18 finale

Characters: Nick Torres, Ziva David. Mentions of a certain agent who has gone rogue.

----

“You were wrong, you know.”

“Excuse me?”

To say you could cut the tension with a knife would be a gross understatement. A chainsaw, maybe. But the broody agent has said nary a word all day, the torment plastered all over his face speaking for him. 

“About me and Ellie. When you said— You don’t even know how wrong you were.”

“Agent Torres, I—“ She tries to find the words to convey decades of heartbreak and lessons learned in response, but he doesn’t give her the chance.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. No offense, Ziva, but I shouldn’t have listened to you.”

She aches at the sight of his obvious pain, one she knows all too well herself. (From both the inflicting and receiving ends.)

“You know, I thought you were full of crap at first. No— Part of me knew you were right, okay, but the bigger part knew there was a reason not to go there. That it was better to just let it run its course. But then your irritating voice was niggling at me in the back of my head to tell her. To stop being a wuss. And I resisted it, I really did, because I knew what would happen. I knew it. But, I caved. I put it out there. And I couldn’t take it back. And you know what happened?

“She said it back. And it— it gave me hope, you know. It’s so fucking stupid I could— But it did. And do you know how that felt?”

“How?” She can see the rage firing behind the despair in his voice, and already knows this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

“Fucking fantastic, that’s what. Honest to God fantastic. And before I knew it, it was gone. No, not gone— it ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it into a million pieces. She just— Ziva, she just left.” Because they always leave. That’s the moral of the story. It doesn’t matter how much you love them or they love you, one way or another, they walk out of your life and leave you to pick up the pieces. This is a cycle that will never end. “It’s like none of it mattered. Like I didn’t matter. I guess I didn’t.” 

“You know that’s not true.” She wishes they were really friends, that she could do and say the things that would bring comfort in moments like these. But they aren’t, so she settles for being his emotional punching bag while he works this out.

“Do I? We had this talk, you know. The Talk. She claimed she felt the same way about me, but obviously not enough to tell me what was going on or give me the damn courtesy to let me know she was leaving. Do you know that? She was going to leave without saying a word, even after everything we— She just left.” The words hang in the air, and she tries not to think about how she too was once the one who just left. Too many years of solitude (and now, therapy) have told her not to revisit this well of misery. Yet seeing the aftermath in front of her opens old wounds she’d never fully believed would ever heal. 

“Torres, I am so sorry. If I had known, I would have—“

He scoffs, and rolls his eyes. “What? Stopped her? You and I both know that wouldn’t happen.”

“I won’t pretend to know how you feel, and I can’t even say I know why she left, because I don’t, but if I can offer some insight from the other side… Sometimes that feeling that drives you to do these things is stronger than even your feelings the people you love. Certainly more than your own well-being. I don’t know what she’s doing, or where she is, but all I can say is… Sometimes you feel like you’re cornered, and the only thing you know how to do is to push everyone else away to keep them safe from you. It is not rational, nor is it healthy, but— sometimes, this thing inside overtakes everything else. I can promise you it really has nothing to do with how she feels for you.”

“I should be enough.” He softens; all he wants is to be enough someday. 

“Yes, you should. But right now, she isn’t even enough for herself. She does not want you involved because that would make her face that.”

The fatigue washes over him, as though the conversation will draw his last breath.

“I’m just… I’m mad. I’m so mad. At her. At myself. At Odette. At you. At… everyone.” 

“I know.”

“I miss her.”

“I know.”

“This sucks.”

“I know.”

They stand there together in the silence for a moment, coming to a place of understanding at their unfortunate reason for kinship at the moment.

“You really don’t know where she is?”

“No. Odette has not involved me in anything since I’ve been home. She wants to keep my family safe.”

Oh, the irony.

He snorts, unleashing the rising bitterness again: “But she has no problem putting Ellie’s in danger?”

“I wish I knew. All I can tell you is if Odette pulled Agent Bishop into this, then there must have been a good reason. But if it got to this point— there must not have been any other choice.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Sorry. I never was known for my tact.”

He relents a little, knowing this doesn’t really have anything to do with her. “I think you do okay.”

She offers him a gentle smile in appreciation. “I really wish things had worked out differently.”

“Me too.”

“But Agent Torres? I promise you it was worth it.” He understands the it she’s talking about. “She knows. And you know.”

He stares at the floor, lost in his thoughts, and she wonders what she should do to help at the moment. For all her experience at heartbreak, watching it from the sidelines is a decidedly different experience. 

“Can I buy you a beer?”

“Nah. I’ll take a rain check on that, though. For when I’m a little less mad at you.” She laughs softly, and the corners of his mouth turn up in what may be the first hint of a smile he’s had in months. 

“Deal.”

“And Ziva?”

“Hmm?”

“I can still take you down.” Fake it till you make it, right?

“I will believe that when I see it.” She takes this as her cue to leave. “Night Agent Torres.”

“Night,” he answers over his shoulder as she heads to the elevator. He stands in the darkened bullpen, lost in his thoughts and his turmoil, but somehow, he feels a little better. (And a little bitter.)

Because she knows.