#because all of those spaces are full of vile shit.

[bambinification]

I feel like it's literally impossible for a cis woman who actually experiences gender euphoria to exist and blog about their life without tumblr shoving one million terfs in their face per day

[posttexasstressdisorder]

They killed our Jesus: A Lament for Generation Jones

Two things happened in 1980 that would ensure the iron grip of the fascist state would (first slowly, then quickly), tighten on the entirety of the nation's populace from that moment forward: Ronald fucking Reagan was installed as president, and a CIA-psyop'd Christian Nationalist shot and killed John Lennon.

Those two things are connected.

First let's look at exactly who "Generation Jones" encompasses, and specific moments in the generational timeline that defined our future. The wiki page is actually quite good. Here's an excerpt that really hits it on the head:

"The name "Generation Jones" has several connotations, including a large anonymous generation, a "keeping up with the Joneses" competitiveness and the slang word "jones" or "jonesing", meaning a yearning or craving.[17][18][19] Pontell suggests that Jonesers inherited an optimistic outlook as children in the 1960s, but were then confronted with a different reality as they entered the workforce during Reaganomics and the shift from a manufacturing to a service economy, which ushered in a long period of mass unemployment. Mortgage interest rates increased to above 12 percent in the mid-eighties,[20] making it virtually impossible to buy a house on a single income. De-industrialization arrived in full force in the mid-late 1970s and 1980s; wages would be stagnant for decades, and 401Ks replaced pensions, leaving them with a certain abiding "jonesing" quality for the more prosperous days of the past.

Generation Jones is noted for coming of age after a huge swath of their older brothers and sisters in the earlier portion of the Baby Boomer population had; thus, many note that there was a paucity of resources and privileges available to them that were seemingly abundant to older Boomers. Therefore, there is a certain level of bitterness and "jonesing" for the level of doting and affluence granted to older Boomers but denied to them.[21]"

That sets the stage, for the most part. I was four when JFK was shot on TV. I was a wide-eyed, open-eared five year old when The Beatles were on Ed Sullivan and The Supremes were on the radio. I was ten when we landed on the moon, and I wanted to be a hippie at Woodstock at eleven. "Basketball Jones" came out when I was 12...I jonesed for a telescope because SPACE and got one from that great maker of fine telescopes, KMart.

Generationally, we jonesed to be ten years older, so we could have had all the cool shit THEY had. They had The Beatles, and we had the solo Beatles, they had Hendrix, Cream, Jefferson Airplane, and we had the fucking BeeGees and disco. It's like we, as a generation, were fated to live The K-Mart Knockoff of Life, instead of the bright, shiny Brand Name One all our older brothers and sisters got.

MUSIC and SCIENCE were EVERYTHING to us as kids/teens...the Eshittification Of Music truly began in 1973, and proceeded through SynthPop Hell in the '80s. Rock and Roll heroes became hairdos with guitars. The rock heroes of the '60s were getting married and having kids and baking bread. AM Radio ceased to be something you listened to for music...it began to replace music with strident, screaming hate voices that would eventually engulf all of AM Radio 24/7/365.

We were continually thwarted most of the way from our young adulthood on, blatantly from the moments in 1980 that the vile Ronald Reagan and the core operatives of evil for the next 50 years took over, and then the moment of what I call "Our Generational Wounding", the murder of John Lennon.

Back in '66, John had inflamed all the grandpas of todays magats by saying (truthfully) that with teens, The Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Beatle hate became a Very Big Thing in Bumfuck South Texas. Record burnings, merchandise burnings, book burnings, all were commonplace. A very palpable, and very specifically "Anti-Beatle" hate got instilled in a lot of kids/teens at that point, so anything to do with the Beatles was taboo for "good people" (read Southern Baptists) to like.

That, of course, made me love them that much more, and to follow their paths from their breakup forward with 'bated breath, buying every 45 they put out, trying to save pennies up to buy their albums.

John was the radical hippie, the one who wanted peace, the one with the weirdo wife, the one who held a "Bed-In" for peace. In a very fundamental-to-our-generation way, John Lennon was OUR "Jesus".

Richard Nixon (president from '68 to '74) HATED him.

In 1971, there was a true mass consciousness that incorporated us along with our older siblings, a musical mass consciousness. I became aware of many things in 1969, specifically fall of '69, so I was experiencing all this in real-time, as it happened. When the news that The Beatles officially broke up came across the AM radiowaves in May of '70, it was A. Very. Big. Deal. Everyone watched everything they did from that point on with GREAT interest.

George put out "My Sweet Lord" and "What Is Life" (first record I ever bought), John put out "Instant Karma", "Mother", then "Power To The People", then "Imagine". Ringo put out "It Don't Come Easy", and Paul & Linda had "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey". EVERYBODY was a "post-breakup Beatle critic", panning Paul's very first solo 45 "Another Day", "Uncle Albert" was the followup. This band called Badfinger that sounded suspiciously like The Beatles appeared on American radio, and would make 1972 one of the final "Golden Years" of AM Rock Radio.

In 1970 we heard about this Elton John guy, by the end of '72, I was playing as many of his songs on the piano as I could figure out. My favorite album was (still is) "Madman Across The Water". When "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" came out in '73, a very noticeable shift was occuring.

Pop became much less political. It softened. It mellowed. It grew its hair long and lived in the country, learned how to grow potatoes and play the mandolin, making Country Rock the one lasting "legacy" of our sad sub-generation. By the time I graduated HS in May of '77, it was all there was on the radio, besides....disco. Oof.

One of my first TV memories was JFK getting shot. That was the Generational Wounding of our older brothers and sisters. When Mark Chapman (a Christian nationalist who changed the words of "Imagine" to "Imagine there's no John Lennon") shot John in December of 1980, it was the 2 in the 1-2 PUNCH done to our OUR generation. The first, of course, being the installing of Reagan and the evil Evangelical influence beginning in earnest.

It also began the buildup of the "Holy War" radical right, and an utter denial and clampdown of "hippie", of "counterculture" in general began, ensuring that John's vision of world peace would never come true, at least not on their watch. They had, effectively, killed OUR Jesus, along with our chances of the kind of security our older sibs got in spades. It also marked the unholy marriage of the evangelicals and the republican apparatus.

When Reagan got elected by virtue of the vile Newt Gingrich's 'Southern Strategy', a clampdown in earnest on the very SPIRITUAL EXISTENCE of our generation's incredible want and need, our collective JONESING for world peace began. Richard Nixon had planted the seeds. Nixon hated John Lennon with a passion. After Reagan was elected, I firmly believe Chapman was "activated" and they killed John as a Christmas present to Nixon.

It was after that, when the dream of a scientific future began to die, as well. When we were in high school, SCIENCE WAS EVERYTHING, so we wanted to be some kind of scientist "when we grew up".

I dealt with four years of college, majored in Biology, and in early 1981 realized my dream of being a Forest Ranger in Yosemite or some other national park somewhere, living in a cabin, giving talks to visitors about the biology aspects of the park....all that went POOF, almost instantaneously. My degree would get me nowhere, so I left before the end of that year and started working in record stores.

I was effectively the Cusack character in the movie about record stores, but it led to a dead end. Record stores weren't all that glamorous, and yes, the pay was dogshit. I tried working in record stores for the love of the music, while trying to BE a musician in a town FILLED OVER FLOWING with musicians, but that was quickly shat on by the beginning shrieks of late-stage capitalism.

It was like working in the record stores was my trying to keep holding onto the dream, our generation's dream...John's dream of world peace (along with my dream of being a working musician) died a pitiful death by the end of 1986.

What followed was nothing but a series of Jobs I Hated, and the beginnings of the true Jonesing for the life we'd been promised, because we didn't get the raises, the pensions, the house, the car, boat and camper, none of that shit for us. A life of being a low-paid, no-insurance drub, destined to be a life-long renter, unless a financial miracle happens.

So when people ask why we (as a generation) hate Ronald Reagan so much, let's just say I'm with Bugs on this one.

[ripplestitchskein]

I'm new to stolitz and HB and your takes/ your essay was a breath of fresh air. Maybe it's because I'm new here in the HB fandom, but I've seen more people talking shit about Stolas/"Stolas fans" than actual "toxic" Stolas fans? And don't get me started on those horrible ass takes calling Stolas a sexual assaulter/abuser or comparing Stolitz to Angel and Valentino, likening Stolas to Valentino.

It bothers the heck out of me but at the end of the day, with more exposure to that noise I can navigate how to tune it out and they can stay bitter and talk shit about everything they watch while we wait for "Full Moon"

Welcome Nonnie! Thank you so much! I’ve really missed doing things like this. It’s been awhile since I interacted this heavily with a fandom as nothing has really caught my brain this intensely for a long time so it’s nice to discover likeminded people in it. I’m new too! We can be new together.

It’s funny, I didn’t even know about HB until after I watched Hazbin, I had seen literally zero things about it, and while I had heard of Hazbin over the years and had seen Alastor I didn’t know what it was, I thought it was one of those popular dating sims, or like a new tumblr sexy man thing I hadn’t heard about which is hilarious to me now. A bunch of my IRL friends were talking about Hazbin a lot though and I love musical theater and have been on a personal art journey for a while (it started as getting better at art for video games, I’m a software engineer, but turned into me making a comic somehow because I’m a lifelong writer too) and the art style intrigued me so I decided to check it out. I loved it a lot, but like a normal amount. When I came on here people were talking about Helluva Boss so I’m like “ooh, more content” so we watched that and my brain saw Stolas and Stolitz and started the sirens. Like literally a “Oh no I love him” moment in LooLoo Land.

There are just characters and ships that hit just right. Imagine my surprise when I went into fandom spaces and there were people with these crazy interpretations of them and of Stolas I couldn’t reconcile with what I’d just watched. Like at all. Well I was surprised, but I’ve been around a fandom or two so I wasn’t that surprised but in this instance it was especially strange to me. It didn’t jive AT ALL with the show I just watched. Honestly, that intrigued me as much as the ship did.

Especially the Stolas takes. I’m like “This guy? This complete dork who is trying to mirror what his crush wants so bad he might as well be made of silvered glass?” “Evil Sexual assaulter? The guy in the royal romper who sings to his daughter and gets excited over legal contracts and makes silly little owl noises? This is the guy who has some evil sexual coercion plot over the dude who threatened to fuck his employees 11 minutes into the show and can’t go ten minutes without saying cum?” It was REALLY confusing let me tell you. Like you have this really fucked up reality where murder is A-Okay and characters that say vile shit to each other as a matter of course and people are all up in arms about a transactional sexual relationship? It just seemed like one of the least problematic things some of these characters do lol and I felt like I was in a room where something important happened and I missed it.

I’m pretty good about taking in different views, because of my ND I try really hard to understand where people are coming from and kind of assume I missed something everyone else knew from being in the fandom for so long, that being new I didn’t know, but the more I looked into it the more it seemed tied to an interpretation of the character that wasn’t in what I had watched. I watched the VivziePop channel playlist which does not have the Pilot. When I found out about the original Pilot some quotes made a *little* more sense especially with the huge gaps in content releases, but I’m still fucking baffled a lot of the time tbh. Sometimes I feel like these people are watching an entirely different show based on that Pilot and our social media have crossed universes.

I’m used to this though, the last major characters to take over my brain were MXTX characters, Bakugou from MHA and Killian Jones before that so I am pretty used to people having character interpretations who can’t get past first impressions, and ignore like literally years of development. (More about the last two, the MXTX fandom is one of the best I’ve been in, everyone seems to be really happy with the canon content there all around, I can’t think of any hate I’ve ever seen about any character tbh, even the actual villains. Fan fiction game is on point too, so many good writers in that fandom).

I’m also used to people ascribing love of a fictional character to a real life moral failing. My view has always been that I enjoy more complex characters and stories that aren’t always squeaky clean because it’s fiction and it’s fucking boring if everyone in it are these perfect unflawed cardboard cutouts who always act the right way, never hurt other people, and never make mistakes or fuck up or miscommunicate. People approaching relationships from differing points of view, struggling with darkness and trauma, and reconciling their issues especially together or to BE together is the fucking BEST thing about fiction.

Fandoms are fucking bizarre is what I’ve ultimately landed on. And they don’t understand what toxic means. Or problematic. Like just plain do not understand those words.

We’ll be fine Nonnie! Let’s just keep flailing over things we love, crying over the angst train that is surely coming full speed at our faces (and will probably have to deal with for years because of the release schedule), and enjoy theorizing, speculating, analyzing and creating content with other like minded people! Come vent in my inbox anytime and I’ll keep writing War and Peace length essays about 15 minute long episodes.

Seriously though, the man wears a ROYAL THEMED ROMPER how could ANYONE hate him? I love him so much.

I will say the one downside of this fandom is I know more about avian genitalia and reproduction than I ever needed to.

[not-goldy]

Right now there are a lot of ex tkk out there who left after Paris. Some of who wrote little to late apologies to Jimin for believing he was the devil/villain, when now they realize that title belongs to the big TK accounts who hand fed them lies. The ones who helped brain wash them & half this fandom & harass everyone. They swallowed that pill & accepted their ship is not real and Paris actually happened. Now they're just sitting around alone cause the people they thought were their friends turned their back on them for seeing the light. These people could do the funniest thing right now, the right thing. Those TK GC's and twitter spaces they were a part of and saved. Full of Tkk & big Tk accounts slandering Jimin & plans to sabotage him and vile lies they made up to spread and openly hated on Jk cause they were mad at him, spearheaded by those active TK accounts. They could email them to bighit. DM the screenshots they held onto, to Jimin and Jikook report accounts. Get these big TK and anti accounts taken down. They were on the inside and know first hand things said in private in those space. How manipulated they were and seeing how its continuing.

Their own leader, told them models called Tae Monsieur Gayhyung in Paris, only for the models to say it was disgusting lies. Instead of admitting he lied on purpose cause he didn't think these people would release statements, he let you all take the blame and look like deranged fools for spreading it and deactivated and came back a few weeks later like nothing happened and you let him. The person creates lies every day and You help spread them. Then the person deactivates cause they can't take the heat and you take the fall and he gains new braindead followers when they come back.

I know It'll never happen tho cause they aren't brave. I on the other hand would be a raging bitch, the whistleblower and expose the fuck out of every damn one of them MF's who helped gaslit me.

I HAVE THREE LARGE BREASTS AND A TAIL.

I'm alway prepared to recieve new Jikook believers into my large bossom and feed them with content 😌

They can start with @nightswithkookmin

And if they want to interact they'll find me here.

I'm open to receiving their confessions about Jikook in my ask box. Shit if it's good I'll even share it so everyone can read it.

If it's triggering and full of doubt I'll send them straight to purgatory.

Tuktukkers are indeed very much manipulated and gaslit into believing things they shouldn't believe if they had a little bit of brain cells in their skulls.

Like it's that simple, you don't even need analysis you just need to use your head, if you believe no two relationships are equal then you'd rightfully assume there must be something unique and special about every ship. Start by individualizing every ship. Start there and if you don't that's how the madness begin.

And if you believe TKk and JKK are two Unique ships- what sets them apart? You don't find this out if you succumb to the prevalent cognitive roadblocks prevalent in TKK land. To find that out what makes them each truly Unique, desist from minimizing, trivializing, overlooking, going against your instincts and going against common sense. One plus one is two. If it she's a duck it's a duck. You don't need to bend and twist and squeeze your brain out.

The common truth and fact of the matter is, however "close" TKK were in the past,however they try to be close now, Jikook are closer. That ship has sailed. However jikook try to normalize that closeness, neutralize it, do damage control- it really doesn't change the fact that out of all BTS pairs they have the most chemistry, are and do come across as the most intimate because you simply can't hide intimacy if it's there between two people.

It shows in everything they do and say.

It's like whatever Vmin have. You can't minimize it. You can't sweep it under the rag. No matter how long they go without producing Content- when they do that content will always light up warmth in our hearts.

You can't take vmin soul mates away from them no matter how much analysis you make, no matter how much you think they hate eachother underneath. They would still be Vmin.

Jikook is jikook no matter what anyone says.

And ooh for TKK, once you clock what their dynamic really is- you may not think of them as Jikook but you'd definitely appreciate them same.

I know a thing or two bout whistle-blower laws and I'm very good in street fights- if you do decide to be a raging bitch, I got your back🤭

[egg-emperor]

Thoughts on the idea of eggman doing horribly vile shit but still wanting to be seen as in the right for it, like “oh I’m not making them slaves it’s protective robot skin haha”

Feel like it could be an interesting twist on his char, kinda got some of those vibes from the park in colors, the full corporate speak and like, trying to make this obviously evil plan look not evil, feel like there’s a lot to be done there

I love love looove it, that's what I was expressing a desire to share more concepts of just the other day. I have some I've been meaning to share but my favorite part is when he finally drops the act and shows his true colors and mocks them for it like a cold hearted bastard so I focus on that most lol. I do wanna delve into the build up more though.

He has indeed done it in various official media already like X, Archie, games, and promo material and I absolutely loved every instance of it. But since I'm a game canon guy primarily I'm just gonna focus on that for this reply, though in the future I'm probably going to share what I liked about the cases even outside them because I appreciate it in many places.

I love how one of the things about how he likes to take things that are generally considered childish like toys, theme parks, carnivals, circuses, etc and has his own twisted fucked up spin on it is how it can also be used to lure people in with the bright colors and usually perceived innocence of it. The times Eggman has played into it is interesting.

With Eggmanland in Unleashed, he was upfront about the hell on earth that it was to Sonic because he knew he wouldn't have believed his trickery, plus he takes pride in the fact. He enjoyed teasing him with the "If you have any complaints, come deliver them to me in person. If you can, that is!" to emphasize that it was the theme park of horror >:)

Plus the atmosphere was a lot darker so despite the neon colors, it probably wouldn't have fooled anyone Sonic or not. But he still had the Eggshop be a thing where horrible sawdust and motor oil tasting food was sold to make it horrible and unpleasant for his sadistic amusement, so maybe he would've hoped to trick people regardless?

We don't get to know for sure there but in Colors he wants lots of visitors and he really had to do some immense trickery make sure it seemed innocent and appealing enough to get them to use a space elevator to travel all the way up there lol. It's a lot more colorful and fun looking than the more dark and polluted looking Eggmanland from afar.

So for the Interstellar Park, the trickery is both in its design and his words with how he pretended it was a happy wonderland of fun with nothing to do with any evil plot or premeditated misdeeds. What I love is how once you've gotten all the way up there in space, you're fucked. You'll get messed up and killed one way or another.

In his PAs when you're actually inside, the act is dropped quick. He lies about some of it being safer than it looks but for the most part? All his lines are brutally honest about how messed up it really is, with the Wisps he harmed, blatantly acknowledges the dangers of the rides and planets, and how they can cause death, horror, and fear.

I love how sadistic he is in the PAs and his morbid humor that reveals how truly sick he is and that this park was created for anything but pure innocent reasons. He intended for the rides to be deadly and food to be bad and finds it very amusing. He probably loves the idea of these tricked people coming in and quickly becoming horrified and afraid.

But it still looks so colorful and fun from afar! It's so beautiful and with the joys he promises, how could you not want to go? So while it works to lure people in, it can also give its true horrors even more impact when visitors expect something nice but the dangerous disturbing and terrifying reality is revealed and I'm sure that's very appealing to him too.

So you get this funny combination of him both trying to deceive you but then quickly becoming brutally honest as soon as you're successfully trapped in it. This is exactly what happened in the SPINGEAR ride too, where he was immediately like "haha sike you're actually in for a terrible time!" as soon as the ride began and was loving it.

But I think the idea of him playing the long game with his trickery and deceit is interesting too. We've mostly only seen cases where it's a lot quicker like that but he's set up well for him to do an elaborate scheme of dragging it out for longer and the impact would hit extra hard after all that time too, which he'd definitely enjoy and mock after.

The Eggman Empire propaganda Sonic Forces promo video was cool because Eggman was trying to convince people the world being a dark polluted hellscape is actually a good thing, which reflects his twisted idea of a "perfect" world shaped his image, where he has the power of the control and the sadistic enjoyment of the harsh conditions.

Then because people obviously need the clean air to live, he tries to trick them into thinking robotomy is a wonderful helpful treatment for it. That never needing to eat, sleep, or think again is a good thing and that they'll love it. When really it's a trick to get them to submit to him, have control over them and strip them of their freedom and free will.

But there's an eerie glimpse at how he really knows none of this right with how he says love is mandatory. Once he's tricked them and they've submitted and given up their freedom and will, he can use them as he pleases and keep them controlled and brainwashed but if they do realize how fucked up it is there's no going back, they're trapped in it now.

I'd really like to see more of that, where he tries to tell people the vile things he does are genuinely great, for their own good, are nice and selfless of him and genuinely beneficial for them. Where he manages to manipulate so well to the point of mass delusion and brainwashing with people that follow him believing he's doing something the right thing.

It's good to be a mindless slave under his control, never having to think for yourself again! Trapping living beings in robots improves upon nature and is better and more beneficial than natural! The deadly attractions are what real fun and excitement really is! The brutal sadistic punishments if they fall out of line is for their own good! There's no meaning to life if it isn't to serve him and the world is better under his control!

And the idea of people actually believing that in the Sonic universe and following him is interesting to think about. Even though it bothers me when people do it in real life and believe his lies and think he actually has good intentions but I mean hey, they give me an example of what it'd be like at least. Eggman really is a good actor, props to him! XD

I have a few ideas I'd like to share in the future. Showing love, care, and false acts of kindness to trick and manipulate, or not even hiding his vile actions but managing to convince people it's good or that the end justifies the means, and have them falling for it and he sees how far he can take it makes it especially impactful and devastating.

Delusion, deceit, manipulation, and gaslighting in general is very fascinating to me after years of experiencing it and I've always wanted to understand it from the perpetrator's perspective and portray it as dark and disturbing as it really is. It's always been interesting for me to explore in Eggman too, from when he's manipulating specific characters to the masses. I've actually been researching big cases of mass delusion in history again lately so this is timely.

Pulling people into the empire with the lie that it's something great that will benefit everyone but their leader has much darker intentions and the true final outcome will benefit only himself, but he strings them along on a lie, brainwashes them, and has control though mind games and trickery is fascinating and thrillingly devious.

Then slowly or abruptly realizing it's a lie and the impact when it all comes crashing down and Eggman spits and laughs in their face and mocks them for having a heart and wanting to see good in him/believing and having hope in good coming from it. It emphasizes his coldness and cruelty and how much of a threat he is even to the mind.

And if that happens he'll try to shut down their doubts and lie more to keep them deluded because he knows just what they want to hear and promises them they'll get it. So if they don't believe it's right, the ends justify the means. And if that doesn't work, he'll threaten them to keep them in so they can't leave, or have them dealt with.

But he's so good at taking advantage of people's vulnerabilities, saying what they want to hear, and embedding lies so deeply into their minds to warp reality into what he wants them to believe that sometimes they may be too far gone and never see the truth. And he takes it to the darkest places, using them all up and harming them and they die in vain.

Every outcome has the potential to be very fascinating, entertaining, and impactful!

[mymaleficaria]

mthedm ---> mymaleficaria

Hi gang! I've had this blog since high school, but somewhere in college it fell into disuse and disrepair. I've been itching to get back on here, as a space on the internet that's not...ya know *gestures at the Twitter-sized elephant in the room*. But I also wanted to go in with a fresh coat of paint and reintroduce myself to y'all, maybe even make some new friends (or enemies. That could be hot.) A lot has changed!

Wait, why do I follow you?

Statistically, you followed me because of Wolf 359! I was big into podcasts back in the day, WTNV, Wolf 359, all those. I also wrote some Wolf 359 fics and was semi-active on the discord. Still fondly remember the show and might reblog fanart once in awhile, but it's not the direction this blog's going to go, so feel free to unfollow if what up I'm to now isn't your jam.

What's this blog about now?

Wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy? Frankly, I'm ADHD as fuck, so that'll vary by the day, but I have a few fandoms (do we still say fandoms in the year of our lord 2023???) that I've been into lately.

Dimension 20: I started watching D20 a little less than a year ago, and it entirely took over my life. It's just a series that's so robustly funny, wonderfully told, and never fails to make me smile. I'm especially fond of ACOC and Fantasy High.

Dracula Daily: I'm in this shit for the long haul! I think Lucy and Mina should kiss, but that's neither here nor there.

Game of Thrones/HotD: This show ended in a trash fire, but it literally lives in my head rent free. The political intrigue, the drama. Ugh. I'm a targ girlie through and through, so I've been eating up HotD, though it's nowhere near as good imo. Am also currently reading the 1st ASOIAF book.

YA lit/Whatever I'm reading/watching: I've read almost 50 books this year so far, and am frankly, insane. Bonus points for queer reads! Not many people to talk about books to irl, so might ramble about them on here instead. Also watch a lot of random TV drama and some anime.

Writing: I'm a fanfic writer, and a fiction writer in general, so I'll post stuff about writing--complaints, story snippets, link to my fics, etc! Headcanons and all will be found here. I've also copyedited before, which is like writing but if you get even more nitpicky about it.

Personal/Whatever the hell I feel like/My D&D Games: Life happens and sometimes you want to scream into the void. Ramblings, jokes, whatever. I transed my gender in the past few years and sometimes I'm mad about it! I also just graduated college! Madness! I play a lot of TTRPGs, and I'm usually on brainrot for one of my characters at any given time.

Why's your new username that?

One of my favorite book series is The Scholomance by Naomi Novik, and in the series, Maleficaria are the horrifying monsters that threaten to kill the students every day, and what is tumblr if not a place full of vile, evil beings? Plus, it means you all can call me Mal.

Anything else?

Nope! Other than to feel free to drop me a line and say hello, especially if you want to scream about D20. I'm p alone in this brainrot irl, so I'm pretty much always down to talk about the Bad Kids... especially Adaine and Fabian. I'm also always down to take fic suggestions in my asks! This show genuinely lifts me up when I'm down, so sharing it with people is one of my favorite things.

My fics (shortlist):

In Sweetness, There is Violence: Angsty ACOC one-shot about if Ruby had made a different choice in the finale. Obligatory Caramelinda Caramelinda-ing.

the words i speak are wildfires: A HOTD one-shot I intended to be smut, that ended up instead being more like a romantic sapphic moment of healing between Alicent and Rhaenyra. What can I say? I like childhood friends to enemies to lovers.

Stay Stellar: An unfinished (and, very likely, discontinued) 15-chapter high school AU for Wolf 359 that I wrote with an old friend. Featuring some truly crazy shenanigans, a lot of embarrassing Kepcobi moments, and a surprising amount of theatre.

[pro-anomalocaris]

I guess I'm a bad POC for wanting one single place online where I'm not being bludgeoned over the head with how many people want me dead? @centipedepaws I guess I'm bad for wanting a single place somewhere online where I don't have to be reminded that racism exists? It's "privileged" (or "priviledged", in your parlance) to ever want to hop into a fandom discord server and just talk about fandom shit?

Will I forget the time someone tried to murder me in a literal hate crime if a server exists where the topic is Pokemon Unite and we talk about Pokemon Unite?

Will I forget all of the shit I face as a trans person, a Central Asian person, a pansexual person, and a Jewish person with Muslim family instantly if I go into an Avatar: the Last Airbender server and talk about Avatar?

It's not a service that benefits anyone for you to keep kicking in the door and yelling, "REMEMBER HOW FUCKED THINGS ARE???" when people are trying to have fun. I'm not privileged and being helped by you, oh wonderful savior. I'm human, I'm tired, and I'm here to discuss the thing the server is about, only for you to go, "WHAT ABOUT RACISM?!" at me.

I got reprimanded and removed from a class at Montana State University for insisting that non-black POC faced social stratification in the US. I am not your white boogeyman cackling as I yell out, "fuck POC!"

In reality, never allowing people to have a moment where they can be unguarded and just enjoy life contributes to stress, which contributes to cortisol production, which is linked to cardiac issues. This is why POC suffer heart attacks and strokes at higher rates than white people.

It is privileged to tell everyone, "fuck you, you don't get to set boundaries, and you're a bad POC if you don't want to talk about oppression all the time in every single space online."

Out of curiosity: why is it that every single space online must discuss atrocities? Why is it that, say, disabled people who can't leave the house, or people who live in unsafe neighborhoods, can't go online and talk about Digimon without you talking about racism? Why do they not have the right - oh, pardon me, the "privilege" - of having a reprieve unless they log off? What about people with abusive families who can't go play with a pet or take a walk? One of my foster brothers used to be locked in his room for whole weekends with nothing but water to drink - would it be "privileged" of him as a black boy to want to talk about Digimon with Digimon fans and not talk about racism? Is that "bad" of him? Is he a "bad" black person?

Do you have a reason beyond "well, I like shoving the atrocities of the world in people's faces, and I don't think they should be able to set a boundary in even one place online"?

I found out about George Floyd's murder in a Digimon discord server because the video was posted without any content warning. It gave me a flashback to nearly being murdered myself. It gave me a flashback to when a police officer made my dad get down on the ground and pointed a gun at him because he couldn't believe that my dad was my dad due to our different skintones and threatened to kill him because he thought he'd kidnapped me. It reactivated my PTSD and treated the murder of a human being like a clip from a horror movie to pass around instead of the ending of a human life at the hands of a vile murderer. I guess you'd call it a good thing, since it violated everyone's boundaries, but sincerely: what did this accomplish?

What exactly was gained from showing the murder of a black man to a server full of minors who wanted to discuss Digimon Cyber Sleuth? Was it supposed to teach them murder is wrong? Was it supposed to teach them that racism is bad?

I already knew those things. Everyone there already knew those things. Black kids in that server knew this already. They had been having a fun time talking about ToyAgumon and someone like you went, "here's a video of someone who could be you/your dad/your friends being murdered!"

For the non-Digimon fans in need of a reference, this was the discussion topic prior:

Shoving videos of murder in front of children may make you feel good but maybe that's fucked up, dude, and not a sign it's morally right.

TL;DR You're allowed to want a moment's peace and a reprieve from stress. You are a person. Every human being has the right to be happy and live a good life, even POC, regardless of what this person says, and you are not a bad POC for wanting a break.

(P.S. Also, if you try to set a boundary and someone immediately says you cannot, not just that they disagree but that you are not "entitled" to a boundary, that's a red flag for an abuser. Abusers do not believe you have the right to say no to things. Avoid the fuck out of anyone who pulls this.)

I am actually begging some people to just let some spaces exist untouched by real-world issues and horrors.

Like I've lost count of the amount of times peaceful game or fandom servers have been ruined by people stampeding in with political rants, bitching about world issues, demanding internal activism, demanding vent channels so they can whine about their shitty parents, ect.

Like. Respectfully. Not every single space has to be inclusive of and welcoming of outside topics. The real world sucks. We don't needed to be reminded of that absolutely everywhere.

[cannibalicent]

alicole shippers have been saying the most vile things to and about lesbian fans on twitter and everyone seems to just accept it or even encourage it, mutuals of mine i considered friends among them. some rhaenicents unwarrantedly came for fabien today, which wasn't alright, but everyone immediately called them out and jumped to the defense, yet no one has said a peep about lesbians getting non-stop harassed these past days. the leaks themselves are disappointing, but it didn't make me want to stop interacting with the show, but now i just want to distance myself from the show, the fandom and people i've known for years because they've really been showing their true colors.

hi!

well that sums up everything about stan culture lol because stan culture is full of bad and good people. and honestly everything that is happening on the hotd fandom is mass hysteria (FROM BOTH SIDES).

alicoles being lesbophobics = fork found in the kitchen. “oh but there are lesbians who ship-” spare me. please. because i saw that too and many of them were siding with the lesbophobics (even the lesbian alicoles) so yeah you can’t trust your own community because male-obsessed people will throw the first woman/group of women on the fire for a man.

and i can speak that is not the first time this happened… and it’s really weird i feel very weirded out specially when i see them downplaying lesbians and their own experiences when they say it aligns with alicent. they almost sound disgusted by their supposed favorite character being a lesbian who suffers with comphet. anyways i could rant about this more! but yeah its weird and very uncomfortable being on a now unsafe space where they demonize your sexuality over a fictional show and all in favor to be right.

rhaenicents that attack fabien are weird as hell like trying to find something problematic about him and etc. okay hate the character all you want but DONT come for the actor because he is just (trying) to do his job. and it’s very hypocritical to see that coming from rhaenicents knowing that olivia suffered and suffers a lot with this kinda of thing and then go and do something like that? yeah just not cool or right.

and saying he is a bad actor is not attacking him, is just the same thing people said about harry collett just go get some more acting classes dude you have the money 😭 but please don’t say vile shit or be racist (calling him names and comparing him to animals like is the funniest thing in the world. is not you dumbasses) and try to frame him as something he is not (a predatory guy by showing some likes in thirst traps (tgc alao do this go after him too then hypocrites))! if you don’t like him or don’t care about him just ignore it! like a normal person should do.

and honestly? i feel you in not wanting to be apart of this anymore i do not want to be either because it’s trying as hell. my twt tml is only this and yada yada yada and i know it’s gonna be a tough season for everyone but us lesbians (i assume you are one too because of this ask if you are not i am sorry for erasing your sexuality! i forgot the proper word sorry i am too tired) need to be strong because everyone in this fandom and their mothers are gonna come for us and our interpretations of anything that happens really.

last thing i will say: PLEASE ASOIAF TOUCH SOME GRASS AND BE FUCKING NORMAL THOSE ACTORS ARE NOT THEIR CHARACTERS THEY ARE HUMANS. PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU! DONT BE SO WEIRD ABOUT THEM. DONT MAKE JOKES OR SAY VILE THINGS LIKE THAT BECAUSE JUST MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETELY BIGOTED FREAKS!!!

[sargassomermaid]

Oh my God. They're a narcissist. Like an actual narcissist. Like wow. I literally don't mean that as a "haha they're such a narcissist" I mean it in "for 20 years I have been trapped in a cycle of abuse and I feel like the crazy one because of actual gas lighting and decades of emotional manipulation." How did I not notice? No fucking wonder. I feel like an idiot lol. She had me believing I was secretly an emotional manipulator. I was like "maybe I unintentionally used language that was manipulative and I didn't realize" wtf that is rediculus. Manipulation is literally intentional. That's the point.

Like if I have many incredibly good friends who care about me and I them, and have lived successfully with people to the point where everyone I have lived with are, to this day, are my best friends. If this one person pushes me like this over and over again. To the point that I explode in a way I have literally never done before. If they refuse to take accountability of the hurt they have caused, if they constantly step over the few boundaries I have and I give and give and give and never notice, if they only talk about themselves, if they're always the victim, if they are always right, if they take up all the space in any room they're in, if they hide behind excuse after excuse, if they fly into a rage at the slightest provocation to the point I'm scared to bring up any minor concern in fear of their reaction, if describing their actions causes a victim of narcissistic abuse to say it was "giving them full body shivers" and proceeding to relate this person to said abusive narcissist, then maybe I should give myself a little grace. maybe I'm not actually as terrible as they say I am. Maybe I need to step away from this friendship and heal.

This made it a lot clearer. I'm never going to salvage this relationship. It is literally abusive. I thought if I were kinder or more understanding I wouldn't deserve the vitriol thrown at me. But I don't deserve it at all. She has said vile things. Thrown shit that I have confided in her into psycho babble she learned in therapy back at me. She's not a therapist. She's not a counselor. Is this why she goes to therapy? Not to get better but to find new ways to hurt people? I'm glad I deleted most of those messages before reading them. After saying "I'm not doing this with you unless we can have a civil discussion in person" and her proceeding to send message after message (presumably) detailing why I'm terrible. Again I only read the first one after realizing how unkind she was in the message and that continuing to engage was literally crossing yet another boundary I set.

I have done this before but gotten roped back in with the love bombing phase (again how did I not realize this is literal textbook phases of abuse) over and over deciding to keep her at a distance. I can't keep doing this. Oh my God she's literally a narcissist.

[datwinky]

I wish I could be in more online trans spaces since I can't really be in them offline but it's such a hellscape.

Any place dominated by trans men and transmascs, they refuse to respect my pronouns and misgender me specifically and pretty much no one else, they refuse to respect my boundaries and god forbid I kindly ask them to not call me dude, they make my identity and what I'm comfortable with a debate, they promote their own body positivity by mocking mine (ex: talking about how they're better than me for having big tits and I'm just jealous of them??), they force me into gender binaries constantly, etc etc. Basically just entirely miserable disrespect of my entire identity. Which isn't even complicated! I'm genderless!!! Agender!!! No gender!!!!!

Spaces dominated by trans women and transfems are no better. They're never been personally disrespectful to me, but any sort of clique with them I stumble into talks about how much they want trans men to die and pretend like they're the oppressors. Genuinely just the most vile revolting hateful shit I've seen lateral violence wise. It's a breeding ground for transphobia, homophobia, and more. It makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about it. Obviously not people I want to be around. Fortunately I've only seen this sort of behavior in like, following circles. Not dedicated servers to it, though I'm sure they exist lmao. Unless you count the WayneRadioTV server which definitely isn't what I just described but one of the rtvs (or whatever you call that group) falls into the category so it's generally not a safe space. On the flip side the circles that aren't full of the worst people you'll ever fucking meet, they've been a lot more tolerant of other people than the transmasc circles. You get the most violent heinous trans-hating trans people on the planet or you get people that joke around and be horny and have some of the best insight on world issues you'll find out there and there's absolutely no in between.

I don't tend to hang out in like.....nonbinary chats of any kind because reasonably that would open me up to being called nonbinary, which is a label I fall under by technicality of not having a gender being out of the binary of man or woman, but not something I identify as or like to be called. Trans servers/group chats I've joined have for the most part been just generally trans OR fandom discord servers where there's like, two cis people.

I have joined a few agender/genderless discord servers though! What those people are like? Well they think we can talk it out with the KKK. A bunch of racist, ableist, etc etc etc weirdos. There's no outright aggressive culture that I've experienced just friendly debate vibes where the people casually drop that they think ALL people are worthy of respect, including fascists.

I hate hate HATE the generalization of trans people and grouping them into different categories of Bad and this is not what this is. This is a pissed off post about my experiences with online trans chats and how it tends to go. Obviously not all trans people are like this. Hopefully not even half of them are! But hey, trans people are people, and people suck. And that sucks!!!!! I would like to be able to hang out with other trans people SPECIFICALLY!!!!!!!!

Honestly no online queer space seems to be for me other than the really horny gay servers that people are only in to posts nudes. Places where people don't have real conversations and it's just porn? The worst thing you can come across OR. Just porn. Which is better than the rest. I don't really join mlm discord servers much. I mean I JOIN but I don't stay. It's either full of transphobic cis people, or y'know, the whole paragraph on transmasc dominated spaces. With the added layer of me wanting to be respected as someone totally not a man in any way but identifies as a gay "man" because that's my life experience and that doesn't change just because I'm genderless.

Obviously I hate homophobia. Obviously I hate transphobia. Experiencing these things is always Not Fun. But when it's cis people, even if it's vile, it's whatever. It's horrible. It's horrific. People die because of it. But they're our oppressors. That's part of oppression. It's when it comes from other trans people that hurts so much. Transphobia from trans people hurts far more than homophobia from gay people. Trans people are SUCH a vulnerable group and yet it doesn't stop the members of that group from being just as capable of heartlessness as anyone else. And it hurts. It hurts so much. It's left me jaded. After years and years and years of nonstop transphobia from the people I should have solidarity with, I get nervous when I'm around them. I fear for my mental well-being online. I fear for my safety offline (I've had nonbinary family members try to forcibly out me to their BIGOTED FAMILY as like, a test run for them, for instance. Even though I wasn't even out to those nonbinary people in the first place. This has also happened with mere school acquaintances in an area where I've had people actively try to kill me for being gay)

I'd definitely say offline friendships with trans people tends to be less....... problematic. Though I still have bad experiences like the trans guy I knew through middle and highschool who told me I wasn't allowed to be gay, trans, or mentally ill because that was HIS thing, berated me and pushed me to try to kill myself, mocked me for being visibly autistic, and felt entitled to my body and would sexually assault me/grab my hands and force me to touch his boobs. The rest of the """friend""" group, all trans, would just sit there and watch.

All this to say: boy is it so hard to find good people in this world. And I would like the people who should personally understand just how important it is to be a good person to be some of those good people. But they're not. Not inherently. And not more likely to be, either

[f1inl3ey]

Here’s some headcanons for tbp characters that no one asked for

Finney

Obsessed with queen

Allergic to bees

HATES pineapple

Autistic

Special interest is space

Severe anxiety

Braids Gwen’s hair every morning

Has a box in his closet full of plushies that he put away after being made fun of bc of them

Once him and Gwen swapped rooms without their dad knowing (like literally swapped furniture and everything)

Works at a graveyard when he’s 20 as a half time job while he’s at uni

Becomes an astronomer

Hates having long nails. Cuts them all the time

Only Robin knew about his dad so after he died he could only rely on Gwen since he didn’t want to tell donna that kind of stuff

Bisexual

Robin

Convinced finney to grow out his hair a bit

Follows finney around after he gets out and the other ghost boys find it weird and creepy

Dyslexic

His bandana reeks bc he never takes it off unless he’s sleeping or doing anything that could get it wet

3/4 of his closet is t shirts that he’s cut the sleeves off of

ADHD

Nice when he’s not beating someone up and everyone thinks it’s weird

Tried to skateboard once and sprained his ankle

Extremely selfless (ex. Denies all help from everyone when sick or hurt)

Weirdest music taste, it’s all over the place

Literally no musical ability at all

Hands are always clammy (is that how u spell it?) it annoys everyone

Stole his uncles truck once

Gay

Bruce

Selfless

Surrounds his whole life with what he thinks his parents would find disappointing and tries to avoid doing those things but stops after his friends told him that it wasn’t healthy

OCD

Hides in Amy’s room when he’s sad and watches her go about her daily routine. It makes him feel better.

Loves dogs

Amy covers for him when he sneaks out and he does her chores for a week after to repay her

Room is messy but clean at the same time

Writes the most vile insults about people in Japanese in his favourite notebook

Hates metal and paper straws

Collects baseball cards

Obsessed with solitaire. Plays it daily

Puts ice in every drink he possibly can

Likes sherbet

Doesn’t like labels but says he likes both boys and girls

Vance

Him and Bruce used to be friends until he pushed Bruce away

Severe daddy issues

Mummy issues but also doesn’t have mummy issues at the same time

Chews gum constantly

Graffitis trains

Autistic

Special interest is pinball

Bpd

As gay as one can be

Major feminist bc of his mum

HATES sleeves

Actually really smart and has good grades. He only stayed back 2 years because of the amount of suspensions he was getting

Literally screaming for help (subtly) but no one is listening

Billy

Several near death experiences

Vitamin deficiency

Was best friends with griffin way before they got kidnapped. Was absolutely crushed when he found out he was missing

His dog is his comfort

Hates his neighbours

Delivers newspapers to robin

Mummy issues

Reads books that are at least an inch thick

Collects rocks

Knows there’s something mentally wrong with him but doesn’t care enough to actively seek out a diagnosis or an answer

Mood disorder

Always carrying a pack of mints around

Aroace

Likes sour candy

Griffin

Iron deficiency

His dad died when he was little and he currently lives with his mum

Once tried to eat a crayon

Social anxiety

Puts beads on his shoelaces

Excoriation disorder/dermatillomania ( a form of ocd where an individual compulsively picks at their skin)

Always had to be sent home because he was sick. Never had enough money to go to a doctor

Gwen talked to him during a boring assembly once but they never became friends or talked to each other again

Spent lunch in the boys toilets or in his favourite teachers classroom

Weirdly obsessed with English, loves correcting people on their grammar or spelling and learning new words

Billy was his safe person. He’d always go to Billy when he was upset.

Once got so bored that he stared at the clock in his house for 3 hours

Extremely rough hands

Thinks too much. Comes out with the weirdest shit like “how do dreams work”

Gwen

Grows up to realise that she’s on the acespec

When she first met Robin she didn’t like him but then they started talking about finney together and she warmed up to him very quickly

LOVES Donna. Warms up to her very quickly and every time she’s over, hanging out with finney she always drags her away from him to do her hair and play dolls with her

Collects bracelets

As a teenager she starts to put posters of her celebrity crushes on her wall

Loves the Beatles and David Bowie

As soon as the ‘talking with psychopaths’ book series came out her and finney became obsessed with it.

Allergic to nuts. Specifically peanuts (poor gwenny she can’t have Nutella)

Actually hates when people call her Gwendolyn. She just prefers Gwen

Likes thriller movies over horror

She’s a hoarder

Becomes obsessed with paranormal activity shows

When she graduates high school she goes on a road trip and calls it the ‘the drive of ‘87’ (I think that’s around the time she should graduate high school)

She’s the type of person that can sleep anywhere. And I mean anywhere

Donna

My girl is a raging bisexual and you cannot tell me otherwise

She thinks of Gwen as the little sister she never had

She loves partys but she wouldn’t sneak out just to go to one. She’d rather get her well deserved beauty rest

Blondie stan

Has a 15 step skin care routine and a 9 step hair care routine

The biggest bookworm. She goes to cinemas with the book of the movie she’s watching just to see how much the movie missed

Her and Gwen bond over their love for the Beatles and when she stays the night in Gwen’s room they scream the lyrics to the entire abbey road album and finney finds it so annoying

Converse high tops is her go to shoe. She loves her high tops and has all the colours she can get

Her and finney bond over queen, they argue over who the best band member is

My girl loves the smell of lavender. She owns anything lavender that she can get her hands on. Even her perfume is lavender

She prefers listening to finney and Gwen talk over everyone else

Collects charms and puts all the ones she’s collected on the same necklace that she wears daily. She even has a charm in the shape of a moon that finney and Gwen got her for her 14th birthday

Loves crystals. Thinks they’re the prettiest things ever

Listens to podcasts all the time

This was longer than I expected but it’s fine

[sigmadolos]

Anonymous said: Proshippers aren’t drama hun, they’re vile pedophiles using RP to whack off to. If you are okay following people like that.I’m gonna warn all my bsd moots to block you asap for condoning nasty shit

  In all my years on Tumblr I’ve never had to deal with this sort of bs and I don’t like to give voice to hate, but alright here we go. Although I am fighting the flu and is like 5 a.m. so maybe not my most coherent post.

Anon, I don’t see you posting hate about Kafka Asagiri? You know, the man who WROTE BSD and the characters? The one who allows for child soldiers to blow themselves up? Who blew up a bus full of orphans? Who has Dazai abusing the shit out of Akutagawa? Or Naomi and Junichirio (esp Bones for this one) ? That’s problematic my friend. MOST media is problematic. But people LOVE Fyodor, they LOVE Dazai, but heaven forbid someone like’s Mori or some of these other characters. You can like a character and not condone what the character does. Dazai kills, Fyodor kills, Chuuya kills, Sigma kills. Does that mean I condone killing because I write a character that kills? No. Nor do i condone the religious extremism of Fyodor, or the torture Nikolai puts people though, or a million other things in media that I like. Also, I like mythology and let me tell you. That shit is problematic as fuck but funny enough, a lot of people even anti’s are like well no, THAT’S okay! Which.......I genuinely do not understand. Like...why is THAT okay? I do genuinely want to hear an explanation for that.

I don’t deal with the whole pro/anti shipper drama that goes around these days. But if I don’t like something? I block it. Be it a person, a ship tag, a character tag, whatever it is. YOU are responsible for curating your space. There are ships I loathe, ships that disgust me and I never ever want to see, and so I block those tags and that’s that. Easy, drama-free, and now my space is free from it. At the end of the day, it’s YOUR (well my in this example) responsibility to curate your online space. And that’s what blocking is for. I can recommend Tumblr Servant as an extension, you can write a URL or tag or whatever in it and have it so it’s not just blocked but just never appears if the URL is mentioned anywhere in the post. There’s a lot of subjects that need to be handled VERY carefully like abuse and mental illnesses and such, and I for one would never ever write certain topics in RP or ever, like pedophilia or rape & so on and so forth. And I don’t follow those who do because it makes me uncomfortable to see in RP. If your issue is DazAku and DazAtsu (which doesn’t?? even apply to me??) in both cases they’re 2 years different and both are 20+ ? And if its something about it not being perfectly healthy, boy do I have news for you because Soukoku, Fyolai, Fyozai, Shin-Soukoku, a lOT of those aren’t healthy from where they stand in canon. Not fanon, but canon. I will never, ever send death threats to someone, least of all over fiction. Because let me tell you, a lot of the real life authors? Very Problematic by today’s standards and sometimes their own.  

Also, frankly, i’ve been in the Hunter x Hunter fandom and there’s way worse there. Like...canonly. FYI since I know the blog sending this or at least one, KuroKura isn’t underage (though far from my cup of tea for many other reasons) , Kurapika is 18/19 in that arc and Chrollo is somewhere close to 24/26 ish. Not my cup of tea for many reasons, but figured I’d point that out for you so you might want to delete that post if you’re trying to make that blog a good ‘evidence’ source.

While I’m at it. You can LIKE a character and despise what they do and who they are. There’s characters i HATE, but I can appreciate how they’re a good hero, antihereo, or villain, or how they move the plot forward. Characters are (optimally) vehicles for the narrative. A character can be WELL written and despicable, some are written PURPOSEFULLY for the audience to hate that character as a character. 

Anyways, there’s my stance on things. If you want to soft or hardblock me, that’s fine. I’m not going to hate you for it, or stalk you over it, or whatever else people do. Please do whatever makes you comfortable. I will not perpetuate this circle of hatred. If I write with someone you don’t like, either block their tag (i tag it all) or if you need to softblock, that’s fine too Your health matters.

[ronnieiswriting]

Sweet Dreams- Boxer!Paz x Baker!Freader

Inspired by the events of Foul (following straight after) and the Boxer Din AU created and written by the wonderful, amazing, brilliantly talented @djarinsbeskar! WC: 1,641 Tags: 18+, mentions of smut, its a smutty AU ya'll know the drill, sickeningly sweet fluff I have been driven to write this to deal with all my Paz thots- it will become very clear that I make up for the fact that I can't write hot smut by writing the softest shit. Excuse the lack of editing, also, its quite the mess x

After Din had stormed off with his “not-girlfriend” at Avika, Paz was more than ready to go home right then and there, thoroughly unwanting to deal with the feral frenzy that Din had stirred up in and out the ring. But there was no doubt that there would be more calls for blood. And even if that weren’t the case- even if Din wasn’t on the lists tonight- Paz had to stay.

It was his job after all. And one he enjoyed more often than not.

But when he thought about you, Paz’s priorities became trivial- like dust in the wind.

He hadn’t been dating you for long but he already knew that he was in deep. To Paz, you were the one that hung the stars in the sky; you, a hardworking baker with a smile that made his heart ache and hips that made his cock twitch. It was love, the realest he’d ever found, and every day he swore his gratitude to whatever force had sent him to you.

It was almost a taunt to watch Din leave Avika with his “not-girlfriend” tucked into his side- he’d been disqualified from any more fights that night but he couldn’t look any less content about it- when Paz had to stay behind with nothing but the thoughts of you waiting for him back at his place to keep him company.

To pass a bit of time between the words that were being exchanged between Boba and Din’s opponent’s trainer, Paz checked his phone- his mood instantly brightened when he saw a notification from you.

From: Sugar Cookie💖

Hey babe, I just got home. Did you feed Kitty yet? He’s begging me for food rn but I know he’s probs got a full belly and is just being a little gobble guts lol. sent 4:13am

I gave him a tinyyy bit of kibble to hold him over in case you didn’t. Kitty knows I can’t resist him. Sorry for messaging you at work btw. I know you’re busy xx Love you xx sent 4:19am

Paz checked the current time. 5:30am. Shit. He must’ve missed the buzz of the notification amidst the chaos. Usually, your shifts at the bakery ended closer to midnight but he knew you to be a hard worker, proud of the bakery you ran by yourself, and always likely to get caught up in a task until it was done to a high standard. It was just another thing for Paz to love about you.

His thumbs hovered over the reply box; you had probably already gone to bed, exhausted from your own long day of work. He couldn’t bring himself to disturb you but he pushed past that doubt a second later, typing out a response, softened when he reread your messages about his kitten.

“Vizsla!” Boba’s voice pulled him back into reality. “Are you listening at all? This does concern you.”

Paz managed an easy half-lie, fingers tapping away as he switched contacts and began typing another message, “I’m sending Din a text- trying to figure out what started all this.”

…

When Paz finally did get home it was pushing 8am. Expecting to find you curled up in his bed, comfortably asleep, he was shocked to see you as soon as he opened the door to his apartment. You were propped up against a wall of cushions on his couch with a book resting in your lap and his kitten snoozing on your chest. Head thrown back and peacefully still, he could tell you were fast asleep.

Just the sight of you, the shape of your body outlined by the drape of the blanket that was thrown over you, your features illuminated by the warm light of the lamp, the splay of your hair over the pillows- just looking at you relieved him of so much of the stress he had carried home. His eyes traced over your form, picking out the dip and curve of your hips, and he was struck again with the amount of love he had for you. He still couldn’t believe how quickly he had developed such deep feelings for you but that fact made them no less sincere. The softness and simple intimacy (whether that be primarily sexual or emotional) that your company alone promised never ceased to amaze him.

Trying to be as quiet as he could manage, Paz shut the door behind him, put his backpack down by the door, and crossed the room to kneel down at your side. He considered leaving you there for the rest of the night- if he did he could go take a nap and then come back and wake you up by eating you out before making you breakfast- but ultimately he wanted to, needed to sleep next to you… and he couldn’t manage that on the couch.

He got the best sleep when you stayed the night, your chest made a far better pillow and your arms though relatively small provided him with so much warmth that he would be more than content to sleep without any covers (which happened sometimes when you hoarded the blankets).

Paz let out a silent sigh and reached out to stroke the hair away from your face. You stirred in response and he leaned in to press a kiss to your nose, “Hey, baby, it’s just me.”

You let out a soft moan, eyes scrunching up before blinking open, looking up at him blearily, “Paz~”

His heart could have burst at the sound of your gentle voice laden with sleep. Carefully so as not to disturb your place, Paz eased the book from your fingers. The exhaustion was palpable on your face, the weight of many hours of work pulling at the edges of your eyes. “I thought you’d be in bed by now.”

You eased yourself up on the cushions, one hand bracing the kitten against your chest. “I wanted to stay up for you. I didn’t mean to doze off.” Fuck. Paz was slipping his arms under you faster than you could process and when he stood you were tucked against his chest, kitten, blanket and all. You didn’t even seem bothered by the shift, curling your fingers into the neckline of his shirt. The simple touch drove him wild- the burn of your warm skin against his throat like a blowtorch- and the fact that you seemed oblivious to that only made him ache for you more.

When he had gotten you halfway to the bedroom you spoke again in that voice that threatened sleep, “I would've been able to stay up for you if I didn’t have to spend three hours on a last minute order for a wedding cake.”

Paz opened the door with his hip. “You don’t have to say yes to every job you know.”

“I know- but the couple was so sweet, I couldn’t say no. Plus they paid me double and half on top because of the short notice.”

He laid you out on the bed and replaced the throw blanket with his thick quilt, kitten moving to curl up beside your head on the pillow. The comfortable setting was luring you quickly to sleep again but you were still determined to see him next to you before you shut your eyes again fully. When he didn’t immediately join you, you frowned.

Paz eased the crease in your brow with a kiss there, “Don’t pout, sweetheart. I just gotta take a shower.” He could have skipped one for now, knowing you wouldn’t protest his sweaty skin, but he wanted to be rid of the flecks of blood that had stuck to him, everything that had stuck to him from that ring, before he touched you. You started to protest but Paz silenced you with a searing kiss to your lips, “I won’t be long, I promise.”

If he had thought you would be back asleep by the time he finished he was fooling himself. You scooched backwards on the mattress and petted the space you made in front, “come here.”

Paz went willingly, instantly. He eased back the covers and shuffled in next to you, clad only in a pair of boxers, hands instantly finding your skin to greedily palm the warmth that radiated from you. You cozied up to him just as naturally, arms wrapping around his neck so that he could tuck his face against the crook of your neck. With the covers pulled over the both of you, Paz felt surrounded by your presence and it calmed any remaining stress he had.

Although he had reprimanded Din for taking a violent approach to defending a woman’s honor, Paz couldn’t deny the fact that he’d be just as likely to take a similar action if anyone spoke about you like that- just thinking about those vile, entitled words directed at you made his jaw clench subconsciously. And yet just as soon as that anger stirred up in him, it dissipated again, soothed by the thump of your heart against his chest and the delicate fan of air you puffed over his damp skin.

He was reminded of the first time he told you he loved you; not long ago, in the middle of a good hard fuck when he had you by the hip, lost in the emotion of your eyes to the point where his confession had come out as a babble that became a mantra that he punctuated with each thrust of his hips. You had been on the verge of tears then, overstimulated and shaking, when you returned the words to him from your own lips: I love you too.

“I love you.” Paz whispered.

You snuggled against him tighter, a sleepy sigh escaping you when his hands ran up and down your sides. “I love you too.”

[talatomaz]

chased away by shadows | hailey upton x fem!reader

a/n: i didn’t include a love confession but i did reference it. after 8x11, we saw how hailey reacts to those words and honestly, i get it bc i’m kinda the same so i just changed it up a bit.

not a huge fan of this and there’s not as much hailey x r as i initially wanted but oh well, hope you still like it anon

(feedback/positive comments are appreciated)

requested by anon: “hi! can i please request a hailey upton x intelligence love interest reader please? it’s been a really rough case and reader is quite depressed and hailey comes over and reader ends up falling asleep safe and warm in hailey’s arms and in the morning there is a love confession maybe? hope that makes sense, thank you x ”

warnings: mentions of assault, death, murder. usual canon violence

word count: 1.6k

masterlist | navigation | request rules

i do not give you permission to repost or translate my fics on any platform - likes/reblogs are okay and are much appreciated

“Upton and I will take the front. Burgess, Atwater, secure the back.”

You ordered, whispering into your comms.

It had been a rough couple of days.

The Intelligence Unit had caught a rape and murder case with seemingly no witnesses or leads to the sick bastard who’d done this.

Like the rest of your team, you were damn near losing the end of your rag at the lack of leads and it didn’t help that this brought up some unwanted memories from your past.

You shrugged them off, not wanting to get emotional at work but it was difficult. Especially when you had no idea who you were looking for.

But you’d managed to catch a break as one of your CIs had contacted you, telling you that they had heard about some gang member who’d been boasting about “having fun with a chick before popping her off”.

After some further investigation, you’d managed to identify the man. He had a rap sheet about as long as your arm, including prior battery and assault charges.

It was only when Halstead had found out that he was holed up in a supposedly vacant property that you’d all geared up, armed to the nines because you knew the kind of heat this gang carried.

“On my mark.” Halstead said into your comms.

He waited a few moments for you all to get into position. You were standing behind Hailey, your hand on her arm, alert and ready to conduct your search.

“Be careful.”

“You too.” You replied softy to your girlfriend.

You’d been dating for the past 6 months, having fallen into bed one night after a evening out at Molly’s. You’d both agreed to keep it a secret as it was a one-time thing but what you both didn’t realise at the time was just how much you liked one another.

It had soon become a habit. The two of you sleeping together after everyone gathered for a social call at Molly’s until one evening, Hailey told you that she liked you and wanted the two of you to be more than just sex.

You were surprised to say the least because there was never any indication that she liked you. In fact, you thought she was out of your league considering how beautiful and smart she was. But you decided to take the leap and you were so glad you did because you loved being with her.

Not that you’d told her those words yet, mind you.

It was a tough thing to say, for you anyway, especially after your past alongside the lack of any emotional attachments with your parents. And you knew Hailey had her fair share of trauma too, the majority of which you learned after you and Ruzek overheard her telling a suspect they had in interrogation.

And although your relationship wasn’t without its flaws, it had pretty much been smooth sailing since the moment you’d got together. No unnecessary drama or bullshit.

That was the last thing the both of you needed in this type of job.

“Now.” Halstead ordered so you gave a quick nod to the blonde before yelling “Chicago PD!” as Hailey kicked the door down.

There were a few offenders in the house who tried to run when you’d entered and as Hailey and the rest of the team went to secure them, you made your way up the stairs to see if there was anyone else hiding out.

Your arm was extended, gun clutched carefully in your hand, finger just next to the trigger, ready for any indication of movement. Reaching the landing at the top of the stairs, you entered one of the bedrooms. As you stepped through the door, someone jumped out and hit you in the head with a bottle. It shattered upon contact with your skull and the force threw you as you groaned in pain.

You began fighting the male, who weighed at least 100 pounds more than you, so it was no small feat. You wrestled with the gun he’d aimed at you before kicking him in between his legs and throat punching him.

As he coughed to catch his breath, you grabbed your gun that had fallen out of your hands and aimed it at the man crumbled on the floor. Ignoring the way blood seeped from your wound and down your face, you yelled, “Chicago PD. Stay down or I will drop you.”

Staring down at him, you realised that it was the man you’d been looking for and when he looked up at you with a sinister smirk on his face, you wanted nothing more than to shoot him where he lay.

But you had more self control than that so, instead, you kept your gun trained on him and called downstairs for back-up.

In less than a minute, Hailey and Jay were right beside you. Jay handcuffed the suspect and you re holstered your gun.

“Baby, are you okay?” Hailey asked frantically, her hand gently cupping your face as she examined the cut on your forehead.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” You said, releasing the breath you didn’t realise you’d been holding.

“Are you sure? You’re bleeding pretty badly.”

You winced when Hailey touched the wound.

“Shit, sorry.”

“It’s fine. Come on, let’s go.”

                ✧── ･ ｡ﾟ���: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

After apprehending the suspect, Hailey had forced you to be checked out by one of the paramedics who’d arrived to take care of one of the offenders that Kevin had shot. They’d cleaned and stitched the wound and told you to take some paracetamol for the pain.

Now you were currently watching Voight and Halstead take lead on interrogating the man who’d attacked you at the house.

The man was so vile that you had to force yourself to not jump through the two-way glass and smack him silly. He’d copped to the murder but wouldn’t admit to the rape, sitting there with a smirk on his face.

“She wanted it rough. She was a slut. I just gave her what she wanted.”

The words continued to ring in your ear as they were words that you, yourself, had once been told. Forcing the bile back down your throat, you watched as Voight moved to stand behind the man, his hands on his shoulders.

“I’d watch your mouth if I were you.” Voight said, the threat lingering behind his words.

Your hands clenched into fists as he continued to speak.

“I ain’t gonna apologise for banging that whore. She got what she wanted.”

You could feel your anger boiling until it threatened to consume you so you left the viewing room and briskly walked to your desk.

You grabbed your coat that was hung on the back of your chair and ran out of the precinct; ignoring how your girlfriend’s eyes bore in your body as you hurried out of the building.

She decided to let you go, knowing that you needed space for a few hours.

                ✧── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

When you got back to your apartment, you fell down onto your couch, picked up one of the throw pillows and screamed into it, your frustrations coming to a blow.

You went from screaming to crying out of anger and old pain until you felt a hand on your shoulder that startled you. You hadn’t even realised Hailey had used her key to enter your apartment.

“Oh, baby.” Hailey murmured when she saw how red your eyes were.

She placed a soft kiss on your cheek and went to your freezer to grab an ice pack. She wrapped it in a table cloth and gently rested it over your eyes, the coolness soothing your swollen eyes immediately.

You tried to take the ice pack away from her but she simply tsked at you; too tired to fight, you instead relished in her taking care of you.

“Sorry.” You mumbled, finally gathering the courage to speak.

“It’s been a rough couple of days, honey. No one blames you for your reaction.”

“That’s not why I’m so...so angry and why I’m like this.” Your voice barely louder than a whisper but Hailey still heard you.

“What do you mean?” The blonde asked, furrowing her brows in concern. But her eyes told you that she already knew what you meant and that made your heart hurt.

“I just-I. It was a long time ago, back in high school. I’m over it but cases like these just bring it all back up, you know?” You sighed, deciding to remain ambiguous whilst knowing full well she knew exactly what you were referring to.

“Oh, baby,” Hailey repeated as she wrapped her free arm around you and pulled you close.

“The guy ended up confessing not long after you left. Voight stuck him in the cage and he ended up having a change of heart.” Hailey told you as she placed soft kisses on your forehead.

Your derived snort was muffled as your head was buried in Hailey’s chest but she heard you and chuckled in response.

“You’re safe now, y/n. You’re safe with me.” Hailey whispered, breaking the peaceful silence that had filled the room.

Her words brought a sense of calm to you as you sighed contently in her arms.

Gently removing the ice pack from your eyes, she put it on the table before lifting your chin up with her finger, bringing you in for a deep, reassuring kiss.

“I-I’m glad you’re in my life, Hailey” You said, catching yourself before you said those three words. You weren’t ready to say them aloud just yet and you had a feeling that your girlfriend felt the same way.

The blonde smiled knowingly, kissing your lips once more before hugging you close to her as you both got comfortable on the large couch you were still on.

“I’m glad to have you in my life too.”

[valdomarx]

Hi there! I love your work! I've only found your account today and I've read all of your stories! I was wondering whether you could write something about Geralt and Jaskier doing kind things for each other without realizing it just because they know each other so well. I love all of your work, so thank you!!

“Here.” Geralt tosses the package at Jaskier, who catches it with a puzzled frown.

“What’s this?” Jaskier asks, unwrapping the paper. When he sees the coiled lute strings inside, his face softens into something uncomfortably fond. “Oh, Geralt. How did you know?”

Geralt has learned Jaskier’s lute gains a slight tinny reverberation when its strings are getting worn. And when they inevitably snap, Jaskier complains and moans endlessly until he gets them replaced. Best to head off that need at the pass.

“Your lute sounds like shit,” Geralt growls.

“Everyone’s a critic,” Jaskier says with a dismissive wave of his hand. But he clutches the strings closely and continues to smile.

.

Geralt skins and cleans the rabbits, stoking the fire as he does. Jaskier has been dispatched to collect more firewood, so Geralt goes to his pack to retrieve the herbs that he insists on adding to their food. Geralt will grudgingly admit that they do improve the flavour.

In Jaskier’s pack he finds not only sprigs of sage and thyme, but also neatly bundled bunches of honeysuckle and mistletoe. He’s puzzling over this find when Jaskier returns to camp.

“You know these are poisonous to humans, right?” he indicates the bunches.

“I do in fact know that, Geralt, thank you.” Jaskier purses his lips. “I thought they might be of help in your potion making. I’ve seen you use those plants before.”

That’s... rather useful, actually. He tucks the bundles away in his potions bag, giving Jaskier an assessing gaze. Perhaps he’s been more attentive that Geralt had suspected.

Jaskier gives a shrug, not quite looking him in the eye. “I was gathering herbs anyway so I picked them while I was at it. It’s no big deal.”

.

Jaskier is shivering in the snow, his fancy doublet barely protecting him against the punishing northern weather. He’s progressed past complaining about the cold and into that concerning phase where he’s not saying anything at all. Even in the rare and blessed silence, Geralt can’t ignore the sound of his teeth chattering.

“For fuck’s sake,” Geralt scowls, unclasping his thick winter cloak from around his own neck.

He throws the garment at Jaskier. “Put that on before you freeze to death and I have to cart your lifeless corpse to the nearest village.”

.

Geralt cracks one eye open, and for his efforts gets a lance of pain through his skull. It’s always like this when the potions he takes for combat have worn off, leaving him depleted and full of aches.

He’s lucky to have a bed to sleep in. But he knows from experience that passing out straight after a job without cleaning and drying his armor is a mistake he’ll pay for in the long run.

Ignoring the pounding in his head, he props himself up on an elbow to search for the armor he dropped on the floor last night, and is surprised to see it cleaned and laid out carefully in front of the fire. Jaskier turns from where he’s wiping the grime from Geralt’s swords to tut at him.

“Go back to sleep,” Jaskier chides. “I’ve ordered some breakfast and I’ll wake you when it arrives.”

Jaskier doesn’t look like he’d accept any arguments. Fine. He can win this round. Geralt collapses back into slumber.

.

“Geralt.” Jaskier sticks his head around the door, chewing at his lip. Geralt can smell the anxiety coming off him in waves. “I find myself quite unable to sleep. It’s... far too cold in my room.”

Geralt raises an eyebrow. It’s high summer and the air is thick and warm. Still, the two of them having separate rooms is not ideal. It’s harder than he would have expected, trying to sleep without the familiar patter of Jaskier’s heartbeat nearby.

“I thought we could share,” Jaskier continues, hopping from one foot to the other. “So that we might be prepared and together should any vile beast set upon us in the night.”

Geralt is fairly certain that the most dangerous beast in the vicinity is the innkeeper’s tabby cat, but he doesn’t mention that.

“Idiot,” he grumbles, thought there’s undeniably an affectionate edge to it. He makes space for Jaskier in the bed and lets out a tiny sigh of contentment as Jaskier scurries over and burrows in next to him, soft and familiar at his side.

“Curmudgeon,” Jaskier retorts, and kisses him on the cheek.

He puts an arm around Jaskier and splays a hand over his chest. Beneath his fingers, Jaskier’s heart beats strong and comforting, and finally, Geralt sleeps.

[im-whatchamccallit]

Crushcrushcrush//Kim Hongjoong (ATEEZ)

Request:  Hi i was wondering if you could do a soulmate werewolf hongjoong x human female reader angst and fluff like she over hears hongjoong saying something and she gets sad and shy and worried and stuff.....

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst with fluff at the end, Werewolf!AU, Soulmate!AU, a bit of College!AU

Warnings: Hongjoong’s kind of a dick with irrational thinking, cussing I guess

Word Count: 7.2k

(A/N: Lets just pretend I didn’t disappear for 6 whole months, but i am back and my medication is no longer giving me the big sad so I’m a little more motivated to write.This isn’t the best work I’ve done, this is actually idea 10 for this prompt and idk if it’s executed properly but Imma keep trying and hopefully, to keep from falling back into a slump, I’ll start a new series so I have a regular scheduled fic for everyone. Also, I think I botched expressing the AUS here but just let me know what you think. Sorry for always disappearing, I can’t promise I won’t go off the grid again but I’ll try harder to be active in anyway)

Your mother always said crushes stayed crushes for a reason: they hurt. Bad. But you thought she was wrong, that your feelings for someone could one day be reciprocated later if not sooner, and that’s what led you to him. Kim Hongjoong. The day you met was a complete accident, your body slamming into his as you wandered aimlessly during your freshman year of high school. He was gorgeous with wide brown eyes, beautiful pink lips and cheeks, his hair styled differently from the other boys to reveal his forehead, showing his individuality. He was perfection.

“I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” Those were the first words he spoke to you, his voice so gentle, so sweet. And the way he reached out to help you with no hesitation, holding your hands as he pulled you up effortlessly.

It was love at first sight, all until he looked down to your hands, eyes catching a glimpse of your wrist, a row of zeros peeking through the sleeve of your uniform jacket. He slowly pushed the fabric up, both your eyes widening to see your soulmate clock had finally timed out, his hands releasing yours to check his own wrist, a quiver to his lips as his clock matched yours, his once soft eyes now hard as he stared you down.

“Stay far away from me.” He warned, not saying another word as he headed to his homeroom, your body frozen as you watched him disappear. He was so harsh, yet you liked him. Maybe suddenly finding his soulmate scared him, but it was no problem to you! You were bound to end up together so you played the waiting game with him, being the perfect soulmate you could possibly be whether he accepted it or not.

And that led you here, now seniors in college and still acting the way you were when you met. Hongjoong was still cold, treating you like some plague while you could only smile along. You weren’t sure how you missed the fact you lived in a predominantly werewolf area until a public service announcement came on your television one night to remind humans to stay indoors during the full moon, that night dedicated to werewolves being as free as they could be, but it made you even more hopeful when you were on your way home from work one night, taking a shortcut through the woods since it lead right to your backyard.

You were 16 at the time, so the sight of a shirtless person would obviously make you flustered, but a shirtless Hongjoong? Enough to cause a nosebleed. He was 16 as well, the exact age a werewolf develops a mate bond and, seeing as you’ve already been confirmed as soulmates in the human world, the sudden desire to latch onto you and never let you go once you locked eyes only made your lifelong attachment more real, and he was freaking out. He didn’t speak, opting to shift without removing the remainder of his clothes, your eyes wide as he moved deeper through the thick trees and towards the horizon where the orange sky was in full view and, the grin on your face just couldn’t stop growing. You knew werewolves had a stronger drive to their mates, so the idea that he could avoid you forever was laughable. Sure, you were both 23 and he has uped his disdain for you from staying silent to calling you any vile name he could think of, but it was only a matter of time before he came around. You just knew it.

“(Y/n), stop gawking.” Miyeon joked, poking your side to snap you from your daydreams, your eyes widening when you noticed a few of Hongjoong’s friend’s catching your gaze, a blush painting your face as you turned away.

“I wasn’t gawking, just making sure their table was okay. I am their waitress tonight.”

“And every other night because you said, and I quote, ‘I wanna work at any table my Joongie’s going to be at!’” She mocked, your eyes rolling as you looked back towards them.

You took a job at a diner just a few blocks from both your apartment and college campus, the pay great and the distance convenient. It was the only time you had to yourself instead of lingering to Hongjoong, figuring out his classes and breaks to give him snacks and lunches you’d personally make for him since you overheard him complain about the campus food before, only to be told they tasted like shit and he’d find his own food. It was a bit of a kick to the face to hear that, but you had one saving grace: his pack. The first time Hongjoong sent you away with a bitter remark, they were curious about you, tracking you down when they weren’t with their alpha to get more info on who you were and what you found so loveable about the man treating you like some demon. They were surprised by how sweet you were and how accepting you were to be the unwanted luna of an eight-wolf pack. They could never hate Hongjoong but they sure as hell loved you just a little more than him. Unbeknownst to both of you, Yunho and Mingi found out where you worked, making a plan with the others to take Hongjoong there as much as possible so he would have no choice but to interact with you, even if he stayed silent to not appear like an asshole in front of the various strangers dining as well. Hongjoong would honestly never return if he had the choice, but something about the restaurant’s signature burger kept bringing him back, which is why he was here, sipping his soda angrily as he waited on his meal that would be served by his worst nightmare, you.

“I don’t know why you don’t just find someone else. Isn’t it easy for humans to reject soulmates? You could move on with no problems.” She said, helping you grasp onto the steel tray covered in various meals, a huff leaving you as you put on a bright smile.

“Because I know it’s harder to move on for wolves. You guys don’t have a choice on who your mates are, and you just accept it once you meet them. I know Hongjoong will accept me eventually, it’s just gonna take some time.” You gave one more smile before wobbling towards the table in question.

Hongjoong tried not to follow the gaze of his pack as they watched you happily approach them, letting out a huff as you adjusted the tray onto your shoulder, grasping the plates and placing them in front of the respective person, Hongjoong’s nose twitching at the smell of his burgers and fries, not wasting anytime to dig in as the other’s thanked you, but you shyly looked at the male before you, the tray pressed to your chest as you tried to find a casual way to speak with him.

“I-uh- I-I remembered last time you asked for extra cheese, so I decided to put cheese in the burger too! I hope you like it better than the tofu stew I made you for lunch the other week.”

“I didn’t ask for extra cheese this time, so why put it inside my burger where I can’t take it off?” He said spitefully, mouth still full as he set the half-eaten burger down.

Your smile faltered but bounced back as you reached towards his plate.

“O-oh! Well, I can take it back and make you another! This time I ca-“

“’This time’? You should’ve just done it from the start. Your job is to listen and do what you’re told and you can’t even do that? What can you do right?”

You swallowed hard, your eyes wandering to the people now staring at you as the scene unfolded, your heartbeat ringing in your ears as you tried to hold it together. The worst he’s called you in an idiot and that was usually under his breath, so to practically say it out loud, in front of strangers while you were in the middle of a shift and forced to do nothing but smile like you usually would, felt like you were being stabbed and burned simultaneously. You couldn’t keep smiling, looking down as you tried to apologize, only for him to cut you off once again.

“Go bother someone else. Or hide in the back if you’re just gonna keep fucking up this much.”

The space was eerily silent, even with the soft music playing, your eyes not leaving your shoes as you shuffled away. It was a pitiful sight, Seonghwa releasing a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as you went to a neighboring table to retrieve plates and glasses left by a couple from before. He was ready to tear Hongjoong’s head off, not as a gamma to an alpha but as one friend to another, his jaw tight as he prepared to berate him the way he did you but, somehow, Wooyoung beat him by asking a question none of them thought to ask before.

“What did she ever do to you that you have to treat her like that?”

There was a strange but tense silence as they awaited his answer, watching him taking small bites of his fries as he stared ahead at nothing before turning to them with what could only be described as a sadistic smirk.

“Imagine being 13 and finding out the best years of your life, the years of dating, hooking up, just discovering who you are, are gone because your mate decides to show up and take that from you.”

“Are you fucking stupid? That’s the reason we have mates, so we can do those things with one person instead of random people!” Seonghwa nearly yelled, trying to keep his voice low as to not alarm anymore spectators again.

“For the past 7 years, I’ve been trying to get her to leave or just reject me, but it’s clear to me now that she’s just an idiot that doesn’t understand she’s not needed, by me or anyone. And, if you’re as dumb as her, I’ll simplify it for you: she’s unwanted.”

Whatever pain you felt before suddenly disappeared into a numbness you couldn’t explain. He knew you were there, that you could hear him, that you would hear him, and yet he still said it. You were conflicted and sad, your lips curling in a mixture of disgust and anger before settling on a bright smile. Never mind the fact your tears finally spilled over, that your heart ached with every beat and your body felt heavy with the weight of being rejected by someone you waited so long for, you just had to smile. Soulmates were supposed to be a sure thing, supposed to be your happily ever after, yet it just turned out to be a crush, one that you should’ve let die the day you met him.

“(Y/n/n)…” Miyeon spoke cautiously as you made your way towards the bar, your other coworkers watching from beside her as if you were some strange spectacle.

“We have to start cleaning, y’know? It’ll help us get out of here a lot faster tonight.” You said in your usual cheerful tone, tears still flowing and a faint crack to your voice.

“How about you just head home for the day, (Y/n)? We can handle everything from here.” Your manager said, her eyes scanning your face as you moved past them and to the kitchen, their bodies following instinctively.

“What? No! I’m fine! We still have 4 more hours to go and I think if I get a head start with the chefs for tomorrow lunch specials I ca-“

“(Y/n), please-“

“I’m fine, Miyeon! Really! It’s not like I got broken up with or anything, I never even had a boyfriend! Just a crush on someone that thinks I’m a waste of space! Isn’t that super ironic? Spending most of your life chasing after someone that wants nothing to do with you? That’s really funny, right?” You choked out, lips pursing into a thin line to keep in your sobs but your attempts were futile, everything slowly starting to hit you at once until your body collapsed, one of the other servers catching you before you hit the ground.

It was all a blur from there, the words of comfort everyone offered turning into muffled noise as your cries of agony came out freely, the way Miyeon dragged you from the emergency exit at the back of the building and to her car to take you home, and even when you crawled into bed and managed to sleep despite the pounding headache. 7 years came and went and there was nothing to show for it. No soulmate, no boyfriend, no romance, not even a friendship. You were empty and for some reason the only thing filling your heart and mind was the person who broke you.

It felt like time stood still yet hours had passed, Hongjoong back in his own bedroom pressing away at his keyboard, stopping occasionally to write a few notes down from his new composition, but he wasn’t distracted enough to hear his door open, various footsteps entering and even a few bodies settling in on his bed, his eyes not bothering to leave his notebook as he figured this moment would come.

“You don’t need to lecture me.” He grumbled, going back to play a few more notes only to find his keyboard unplugged, Mingi tossing the cord away as his alpha stared him down.

“It’s only a lecture if you listen and learn, which you won’t, so we’re gonna make you feel as bad as possible for driving away the only person that gave a shit about you.” San said with a bright smile, a scoff leaving Hongjoong as he finally turned in his chair to face them, eyes scanning the room to see this situation wasn’t playful but truly hostile, almost like an ambush.

“So, you guys don’t care about me?”

“Trying to get you to accept your soulmate so you don’t die shows we care a lot more than we should.” Yeosang spoke, making himself comfortable as he sat against the pillow and headboard.

“But we’re the real assholes for trying to force her with someone as shitty as you.” Seonghwa finally said, Hongjoong’s head snapping in his direction as he let out a dry chuckle, shifting in his seat so he was leaning backwards, arms crossed as he told himself to stay calm during his friend’s potential tantrum.

“I feel like you have the most to say since you’ve been in love with my mate the longest, so go ahead, tell me how I’m such a bad man, Seonghwa. I’m all ears.” His smugness made the tension worse, Seonghwa stepping closer with clenched fist.

“I’m not in love with you mate, but if I didn’t know someone was waiting for me because we were fated to be together, maybe I would have asked (Y/n) out, because she deserves better than a lowlife with the brain function of a dead goldfish. But I respect her too much as your mate and my luna to not push those boundaries so I tried to help her get closer to you because I know you, Hongjoong. You’re not an asshole or a jerk, but to her? You treat her like shit, when really you’d have no one without her. You’re a short, scrawny, nerdy moron that locks himself in a dark room for days on end just to complete a single project, then emerge to eat cold pizza and watch Despicable Me because your pea-sized brain can’t comprehend anything that isn’t brightly colored animation. If you take away your alpha status, no girl would even look in your direction but you have someone literally at your side, the only human not afraid of you, trying to figure out everything there is to know about you, yet you can’t give her the time of day. You probably don’t even know a damn thing about her.”

“Unfortunately, I know more than enough about her.” Hongjoong spoke, all amusement gone as he glared at the older male, their mindlink clogged with threatening growls and barks, trying to keep their fight from getting physical.

That first sentence alone made Hongjoong’s blood boil, his face contorted in a mixture of pain and disgust. How could Seonghwa even say that to him, plotting to steal his mate all because he was a bit uncertain? That all it was, uncertainty! He didn’t hate you, or wish you weren’t around, he actually grew to anticipate and enjoy your ramblings about your day or whatever new thing caught your attention, he actually even loved the lunches that you’d make for him. He couldn’t help that over the years he grew to crave you more, but the thought of fully accepting you and solidifying that the best years of his life were about to be gone, restricted to one person forever before he could even determine for himself his likes and dislikes, what he considered real love rather than what fate wanted him to feel, was terrifying. So he distanced himself from you, spending the years watching you from afar in hopes that if he didn’t get too close he wouldn’t lose his free will completely.

But it was a bad habit that seeped into your college years, everyone assuming he cared so little for you when he knew everything there was to know. He knew where you worked before any of the boys did, where your apartment was, the fact you were a business major planning to open a bakery once you graduated, he knew you didn’t have classes on Fridays but always came back on campus because you prepared meals for the men’s and women’s wrestling team which is where Jongho first met you, he knew you hated mint chocolate chip ice cream just like him but loved chocolate ice cream with mint chips, he knew you were always cold but overheat at night and wake up at exactly 3am to change into shorts and a tank top to be more comfortable, he knew about the birthmark on your lower back and a scar on your hip from a cat scra-

“Holy shit, you’re insane.” Wooyoung breathed out, Hongjoong’s eyes focusing on the room in front of him, a mixture of shocked expressions and amused ones filling his vision.

“I liked it better when we thought you hated her but, hyung, you’ve been stalking her since your freshman year of high school?” Jongho asked cautiously.

It was a weird feeling bubbling inside Hongjoong, the primary one being embarrassment. He knew he’d sometimes unintentionally rant in their mindlink whenever he was upset but to make an almost decade long secret public to his pack, revealing the intimate details of how you slowly but surely ingrained yourself into not only his brain but his life until he felt like he was going crazy? It made him tear up, his face burn with a blush as he was finally forced to face the truth. He pushed you away but wanted you more than anything. He wanted to spend his years free to explore before finally settling down only to reject every girl that came close to him simply because they weren’t you, and he took that anger out on you. What was he so mad about? The fact you stood by his side with a smile happily accepting him while he tried and failed to lust after other women? Was he that pathetic? He could admit now that he was and, if he could turn back time, he would’ve introduced himself and walked you to class. Just the first step of fully accepting you.

“You’re still ranting in the mindlink, you know?” Seonghwa said softly, regaining the once again lost focus of his alpha who was too consumed in his own pity to notice the tension died down, their gazes soft as they tried to sympathize with their leader.

“Sorry. I wish none of you heard that stuff.” He admitted, sniffling as he realized he’d been crying, hand hurriedly wiping away tears from his cheeks.

“Well, it’s a good thing we did. We still think you’re a moron, but at least we know you’re feeling guilty about all of this.”

“Don’t worry, Joong, if you know (Y/n) like we do, she always sees the best in people, so she’ll forgive you. But you still have to apologize.” San followed up Mingi’s words, wrapping an arm around Hongjoong shoulders while giving a bright smile in response to his weak one.

“She’s my TA in Calc 3 and I have that class around noon tomorrow. She always stays after in case anyone has questions, so I can stall until you get there.” Yunho offered, Hongjoong feeling a slight warmth in his chest thinking about it all. He’d let go of his insecurities, fix everything he’s done wrong, and finally have you as his. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.

And tomorrow did come, but you were nowhere to be found. When Hongjoong arrived to Yunho’s class, he was met with a sympathetic apology on the account that you didn’t show up that day, you weren’t even at any of your other classes. The boys even tried to find you at work only to be met with a mob of your pissed coworkers led by Miyeon, threatening to rip their heads off if she saw their faces again. And that lasted for nearly 3 days, Hongjoong’s hope slowly dwindling away until he noticed two figures sneakily meeting halfway at the school’s entrance to exchange a large white cooler.

He recognized those bulky arms anywhere, and the thick Aussie accent was a dead giveaway as well, especially when it was followed by a distinct giggle. There was no mistaking it was Chan, but he could barely see the person with him, their voice low as they spoke to him and face hidden beneath a hood, but the scent emitting from them was strong, and beautiful, his eyes widening as he finally took it all in. You looked different, wearing a dark grey matching sweat suit which was a complete 180 from your usual attire, and you smelled faintly of passionfruit, possibly a change to your normal shampoo in an attempt to disguise yourself, but that thought only made his heart hurt more. Were you intentionally avoiding him? He could understand you hating him now but you were even ignoring the others in his pack, going from friends to complete strangers in a matter of hours and leaving them all devastated. He was going to fix this, here and now, if not for him and you than for his friends.

“Jongho’s been pretty upset about you not responding to his text. It’d really help if you stopped by to at least let him know you’re okay.” Chan pleaded, giving you a dimpled smile and hopeful gaze that made it impossible for you to hide your blushing face and grin.

“I just need a little more time, Chris. It’s like if you broke up with your mate and all the friends you made through her left you too. Except it’s me being broken up with by someone who was never my boyfriend and his friends came to me instead of me going to them. But, still, it hurts all the same.” You laughed slightly, trying to find some humor in the situation.

“You’re the only person that still calls me Chris.” He commented, trying to redirect the conversation as you clearly weren’t fine, neither of you noticing the burning glare just a few meters away.

“I just think it fits you best.” You admitted, neither of you breaking eye contact until you gasped, staring down to the box of food and drinks you bought.

“You should hurry to practice. You need to eat beforehand otherwise you’ll be weak after warmups alone. And I worked hard making those sandwiches and cutting that fruit, if it goes bad because you stayed here to cheer me up, I’ll really be mad.” You tried to put on your best scowl, your scolding undermined by his amused laughter.

“Alright, fine. Just stay safe, please?” You nodded, waving as you watched him turn to head to the school’s gymnasium, missing the way Chan glared at Hongjoong as he continued forward. Chan and Hongjoong’s packs were close, family almost, so the news of what Hongjoong did and why reached them in no time, and Chan was hoping today things would be fixed soon because, apart from you being the wrestling team’s beloved personal chef, you were like a sister to him.

You wasted no time leaving the campus behind, ready to go back into the darkness of your bedroom to forget you existed. You really wish you could disappear, that the ground would split beneath you and swallow you whole, but you couldn’t just leave when your phone was filled with calls and messages from friends and coworkers wondering where you were and if you were fine. So many people cared, what kind of person would you be to leave them all alone like this, especially when all they wanted was to help you? But being alone helped, trying to live life as normal as possible while adjusting to a Hongjoong-free lifestyle helped. It would take some time, but you’d find your normal someday. All you had to do was avoid-

“(Y/n)!” Your body froze.

He rarely called you by your name but his voice was distinct on its own, and it was the most sickly sweet thing you’ve ever heard. You wanted to run, to never have him see you like this. Dear god, how did you even look right now? You felt like shit, you probably looked the part. Dammit, Hongjoong was right all along, you were shit. You were worse than shit, you were just pathetic. A pathetic, lovestruck loser itching to just turn and say hi, to have the conversation you always dreamed of but you knew that wouldn’t happen. He’ll yell at you again. He’ll-

“(Y/n)? H-hi…” Hongjoong said shyly, standing right in front of you as you shrank into yourself.

His brows furrowed as you looked away, mentally arguing with yourself as you went over the days of self-reflecting you did, trying to find some lesson from your solitude to aid in this situation and it was starting to scare him. You were never quiet with him, you always had something to say even if it wasn’t important but, luckily, he had something important to say and hopefully you’d listen.

“I- T-the other day…. I w-was…. I-I’m sorry.” He stammered out, this confession a lot harder than he thought, especially now that you were facing him, eyes just as innocent as the day he met you, but he couldn’t run away this time.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly. Everyone told me I was an idiot and I think they’re right. I treated you like you were garbage for years, all because I didn’t want to be mated so young. I just wanted to date around before I finally settled down with someone and, m-maybe I could’ve just said that, so you didn’t have to wait around for me all these years but, I never hated you, and I can’t hate you. I know you won’t forgive me right away but I think it’s only fair that I can be a good mate to you now.”

He swallowed hard, trying to suppress the desperate ‘please’ he wanted to add as your pupils began to shake, almost as if you were a machine malfunctioning, none of your self-reflecting preparing you for this moment, the only thing coming to mind being some sad blog article you found during your second day of isolation. ‘Forgiving and forgetting too soon is dangerous. Find yourself’. It wasn’t what you wanted but maybe what you need, what he needed. So, without hesitation, you smiled brightly at him although it never reached your eyes, clearing your throat as you tried to keep your voice steady.

“Hongjoong, I can’t forgive you easily. I waited for you, I tried to make you accept me and it always ended up with me getting hurt. Honestly, if I just treated you like a regular crush, maybe we could’ve forgotten we’re meant to be together until after graduation or something.” You laughed awkwardly, wanting to look away as his eyes softened in the saddest way, but you needed to do this, eyes locked on his as you exhaled through your nose.

“I couldn’t be by your side all the time, so whether you dated anyone is still a mystery to me but, I’ve been alone for seven years hoping you’d come around, and I think it’s time I take those years back. I’m not sure if what you said counted as a rejection or if we’re still mates but, if we are, we’ll come back to each other eventually. For now, I just need some time.”

You managed to walk past him without completely collapsing in tears, speed walking back to your apartment as you tried to swallow sobs, not even taking in the way Hongjoong stumbled to follow you, almost like a zombie as he attempted to plead for you to reconsider, to force himself to accept your decision but ask how long you needed, but he couldn’t do that. He tried to picture himself in your shoes, seven years of pining only to be publicly humiliated by the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. He couldn’t blame you for not forgiving him, and he sure as hell couldn’t force you, so he let you go, trudging in the opposite direction to his two story apartment just to hide in his bedroom until he didn’t feel like dying anymore.

But as more days passed and it only got harder for Hongjoong. He barely left his room but also never slept, every song he created was played in minor scales to fit his now melancholy life. The charisma he typically exuded was hidden with puffy red eyes from crying and a yellow knit sweater a few sizes too large for his body but it was the only thing that comforted him at this point, especially when knowing you had reconnected with everyone but him.

After exactly one week of distancing yourself from the world, you caved and meet with the boys individually (sans Hongjoong), apologizing for needing space although they completely understood, but the way each interaction ended made your guts churn with guilt. ‘Stay safe, luna’, that’s how all of them addressed you before they left, leaving you filled with the desire to return to how things were before. You missed your friends and, the fact your mate was finally ready to claim you, only made you want to forgive Hongjoong sooner. But you needed to be your own person for once. You had seven years worth of relationships to catch up on and you wouldn’t let them keep you from that.

Except when they did.

You should’ve known it was risky letting them know you had a date so soon, just some other human on campus that had yet found his soulmate. They sounded happy for you, Wooyoung going so far to ask where you met and where your date would be and what time, giving suggestions on what to say and wear since it was “your first”. It was a sweet gesture, and you thought nothing of it, but that information meant everything to him which led to now, the boys huddled together in their living room with a slightly paler and sickly looking Hongjoong curled into the corner of their loveseat.

“So they’re going bowling tonight at 8:30? We could ask her about it tomorrow in case she’s into him because hyung isn’t looking too great.” Yeosang commented, everyone looking to Hongjoong as he managed to drown his entire body within the sweater, only his head visible as he stared ahead like some lost puppy.

“He’s just weak from not being around her for so long, but their bond is still there so he’s fine. But we have nothing to worry about. She won’t fall in love with him so don’t get too involved, she’ll just stop talking to us again if we meddle too much.” Seonghwa warned, a chorus of ‘Okays’ confirming their dismissal as they all stood to retreat to their bedrooms.

“Wait, who is she going out with anyways? There’s only 10 other humans at that school.” Mingi’s question cause everyone to freeze, the silence in the room contrasting with the faint answer Woooyung gave in their mindlink, Hongjoong turning to look at him with hurt and pain.

“Why didn’t you say it was Yugyeom?!”

“I did! Just not to you, until now because I forgot to tune you out.” He said shyly, flinching as Hongjoong ran past him and right out their front door, none of them sure of what to do at that point.

It was such a minor yet major detail. Kim Yugyeom was admittedly the most wanted person any of them could think of. Human girls wanted him, werewolf girls wanted him, most guys couldn’t help but stare whenever he passed by. He was gorgeous with eyes that sparkled every time he smiled. He spoke about his soulmate with so much passion despite never meeting her, following his words with how he’d treat any girl before her with the same love and care. It was a pick up line meant to hook any hopelessly romantic girl in, the sweetest way to say their relationship wouldn’t last. But this was Kim Yugyeom, they knew it was only meant with good intentions, not wanting to string someone along with the false hope they’d be together forever. And that’s exactly what you needed. To explore while knowing you’d always come back to Hongjoong. But that’s not what Hongjoong wanted. He didn’t want you dating anyone else, finding temporary happiness when he was supposed to give you a lifetime of it. And humans were more flexible with their soulmates, they had the privilege to move one without the pain or withdrawals of losing their mate. Werewolves just died if they were rejected, heartbreak and loneliness consuming them, so there was no telling how your heart would react to someone exactly like you. Maybe you’ll fall in love with him. Maybe he’ll abandon his soulmate for you once he learns how amazing you are. Maybe Hongjoong would die from lack of food and sleep before he even reached your apartment, which he was still sprinting full speed towards. It was only 7:30pm, meaning he had an hour before you and Yugyeom went out, but he didn’t have a plan. He had no idea what he was doing, but he needed to stop you before you found yourself in love with someone else.

It was like some scene in a drama, Hongjoong’s chest heaving as he finally came to a stop just outside your apartment. His body felt like giving out as he climbed the two flights of stairs to your door, only to find you waving shyly to Yugyeom just as he turned away, trying not to lock eyes with Hongjoong but Hongjoong’s eyes were only trained on you, yours finding his as a panicked look crossed your face. Should you look away? Go back inside? What was he even doing there? You never told the boys your address… You gasped as he approached you, swallowing hard as you tried to remain calm, but how could you stay calm when you finally got a good look at him?

“Oh my god, are you okay?” You didn’t hesitate to ask, stepping further from your door to examine him, reaching for his face only to stumble back to your original position. You were making great progress, you can’t do that now.

“I’ve been better, but even then I wasn’t fine.” He said with a dry chuckle, your lips curling into a fake smile to not show how much his appearance affected you. He looked like he was on the brink of death. You knew wolves would get sick without their mates, but was it really killing him? Were you killing him?

“Joongi-Uhm, Hongjoong, how about you sit down? You look like you’re going to faint.” You offered, stepping back to allow him inside, watching him stumble past you and straight to your sofa as if he owned the place.

It was such an awkward moment for you, watching the poor boy curl into himself as his sweater practically became his body, a sigh leaving your lips as you shut your door. Instead of healing yourself, you had to heal him. It was oddly pitiful but your instincts screamed at you to do it.

Hongjoong shut his eyes as he eased into your sofa, feeling more comfortable than he was in his own home, even more so with your scent invading his senses, your body warmth radiating onto his as you carefully took a seat, trying to figure out what to do.

“Do you need food, or water? Or a doctor?” You asked, the giggle he let out this time weak but still enough to make your heart beat a bit faster.

“I just need you near me.” He admitted.

You let out a squeak as he shamelessly fell into your lap, head comfortably resting against your thighs as he laid face up. You couldn’t stop your hand from easing through his unnaturally colored locks, melting at how soft they were, bottom lip trapped under your teeth as you had to fight off the desire to cup his face. You’ve never gotten this close to him and he wasn’t telling you to go away, instead letting out content purrs as he nuzzled closer to you, your eyes burning with unshed tears. Why couldn’t he just want you from the start? You’d would’ve been able to hold him like this all the time, to see him happy and healthy rather than a shell of his former self. But he didn’t want you, and now he was at your apartment just to keep himself from dying. It was silly to think he cared about you as much as he did himself.

“Of course you do.” You whispered, laughing bitterly as your hand left his hair, moving to his arm to ease him back up into a sitting position.

You couldn’t get past him no matter how hard you tried, nor did you want to, but every word he said, everything he’s done, followed you like a ghost haunting some poor unsuspecting soul. Why did you have to love someone who didn’t love you the same? Why was this your life?

“Can you just hold me a little longer? P-please?” He asked with a cute whine to his voice.

You sighed and grabbed his arm, gently pulling him back into his previous position, fingers massaging his scalp as he finally opened his eyes to look at you. You were beautiful, even with the frown lines etched into your face. He wonder how long they’ve been there, especially when he’s only seen you smiling. Maybe you spent your alone time more upset than he thought. Where you upset before he came? You couldn’t be when Yugyeom was here, no one could be upset with him around. Except Hongjoong. He felt a grudge building inside him just from the mere thought of him with you. He felt like interrogating you on what he was doing here in the first place and why you gave your address out to just anyone, but it wasn’t his place to ask and probably wouldn’t be for a while, but jealousy and rage was all he felt so any reasonable thinking was thrown out the window.

“I don’t want you to see Yugyeom anymore.” He said definitely, your eyes widened as you stared at him incredulously, an amused giggle leaving your lips.

“That’s not for you to choose, Hongjoong. I told you I need time-“

“Those seven years you’ve been waiting I couldn’t be with anyone else. I always compared every girl I met to you and none of them came close to being as perfect, now I have to watch you date some dance major with pretty eyes because I was an insecure dumbass? He has a soulmate, and he’s always going to choose them no matter how much you like each other, so why not save your feelings? I’ll wait as long as you want me to, but just don’t fall in love with anyone else.”

You tried so hard to hide your smile. This wasn’t something you typically liked, possessive guys being on the list of things you found annoying, but considering it was Hongjoong, his soft eyes hard and sharp as their hue seemed to go pitch black as his words were both sweet and demanding, made you fall in love just a little more than you already were. You wanted to take this as his confession, as a truce in your previous one-sided enemyship, to tell him that you told Yugyeom you couldn’t go out with him because you could only see yourself with Hongjoong, but you needed time. Not time to date and explore the way you thought he had, but to watch him work as hard as you did to prove he was ready and willing to love you. It was a little malicious, sure, but it was all in good fun. He’d always be your mate after all.

“I don’t know, Hongjoong, you really hurt me…”

“It hurt knowing I wasn’t with you.” Your smile cracked through, causing his own to appear, your game already over.

“And how do you think I felt? You think you can make up seven years worth of waiting so easily?”

You squealed as he shot up, magically seeming more alive than when he arrived, eyes full of life and his lips and cheeks the same rosy color as when you met him, hands warm and soft as he cupped your face.

“Good thing I have forever to do it.”

The silence was comfortable but unbearable, especially as he hesitated to lean closer, your lips puckering to guide him but he didn’t seem to be catching on and, when he did, you shifted back, laughing awkwardly as you stared at one another, both of you taking a deep breath as you finally closed the gap between you, a weird electric sensation you could only dream of as your lips slowly grew accustom to one another, moving so slow yet feeling so urgent. It was all still new to the both of you, romance and dating only now becoming part of your lives, but it was exciting knowing that you had years ahead of you to perfect it, your entire lives dedicated to loving one another. And it only took a seven year crush to get you here.