#because after all someone who works 40 to 50 hours a week and is fully financially independent is so selfish

[iliterallydecepticanteven]

gonna go lay on the ground and be borderline comatose for a bit. if y'all need anything come nudge me.

[kaitycole]

chapter two: how it all began

Summary: Two little friends have always desired one thing: to end up as siblings. So when the chance presented itself after a finalized divorce, who were they to decline such an opportunity to finally bring their parents together?

Pairings: Bokuto Kōtarō x f!Reader

Word Count: 2577

Warnings: Angst. Fluff. Mentions of divorce, cheating, cussing

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters portrayed in this series. Part of the @babythotshq​​ Dearest Daddy Collab

Tags: open (send me an ask to be added!)

October 2018

Jess wasn’t sure if she should take Bo up on his offer, her mind had her convinced that it was just him being friendly. He saw the way he had looked at you and yeah, he said you had just gotten married, but that doesn’t mean feelings just fade.

She had pulled up his contact several times in the two weeks since she’d gotten it. Since she wasn’t familiar with Osaka or Japan at all, there were no run-ins with him which Jess couldn’t decide if that was good or bad.

It was a rainy Friday when she finally texted him; her thoughts had caught up to her and it dawned on her that no number of miles would cure the pain in her heart.

The adult part of her understood that people are busy and Bo wasn’t ignoring her, he is a pro-athlete after all. But the other part of her, the part that isn’t so mature, chalks up the 20 minutes that passed as he didn’t really mean his offer.

Bo was finishing up in the locker room after practice, he pulled his phone out of his bag before stuffing in his practice clothes. He was on his way out when he finally glanced down and saw two notifications.

Y/N: Just wanted to remind you that I won’t be able to text until next Friday! I’ll bring back souvenirs! (4:05 pm)

He didn’t reply, it was painful to hear about your honeymoon and to be fair he didn’t really want a souvenir either; some constant reminder that you were with someone else. Not to mention all you talked about was how much Youta wanted to start a family. Yeah, he really didn’t need that reminder.

He did perk up however when he saw the second text, one from an unknown number.

Jess: Hey. It’s Jess. (3:12 pm)

Bo quickly noticed that it’d been over an hour since Jess texted him and he panicked. Should he call her or text her back? He groaned when he got to the main exit only to see it was pouring and he once again forgot an umbrella.

Bokuto: Hey! Just got out of practice, sup? (4:40 pm)

Jess smacked the palm of her hand against her forehead, instantly feeling dumb for not realizing it sooner. She stared at her screen, suddenly unsure of what to say.

Jess: I was wondering if your offer was still available? (4:44 pm)

A huge grin spread across Bokuto’s face as he read the message. It no longer mattered to him that it was raining heavily as he walked to the bus station or that he’d have to shower again when he got home.

Bokuto: ‘Course! When are you free? (4:50 pm)

Jess: Sunday? Noon? (4:51 pm)

Bokuto: See you then! (4:52 pm)

Saturday was spent texting Bo most of the day, eagerly deciding where they should go. They ended up agreeing to go to the Shinsaibashi district once Jess mentioned needing to pick up a few things for her apartment. They were both surprised when they learned they lived in neighboring complexes, just a short walk to the others.

On Sunday, Bo all but bounced his way to Jess’s apartment. He had mentioned their texts and conversations to Kuroo who was almost as excited as Bo was; Kuroo liked you, he always had, but he didn’t like seeing Bo so hung up on you and Jess gave him a way to let you go. Jess opened the door and was taken back for a moment, the last time she’d seen Bo he was post-game sweaty in a volleyball uniform, but here he was in her doorway wearing tight black jeans and a hoodie taking her breath away.

Bokuto smiled when saw Jess dressed up; when they met she had on a pantsuit, but here she looked more comfortable. She had one a maroon knee-length dress, stockings and brown boots, accompanied with a scarf; her brown hair was down and curled.

“Ready?” He reached out his hand.

“Ready!” She took his hand as she shut the door.

*                      * A few hours shopping around Shinsaibashi and Bo’s hands are full with most of Jess’s bags. She swore to him that she really didn’t mind carrying them, they were hers after all, but Bo wouldn’t hear it. What kind of gentleman would he be if he didn’t help? She has a few new pieces to add to her wardrobe, a couple of picture frames for prints she wanted to hang up and a few beauty ideas.

He motioned for her to head to a café, sitting her bags in a spare chair at their table.

“You sure there’ll be room in your apartment for all this?” He teased.

Her cheeks burn red as she tried to hide her face with the menu, “I’m sorry. I could’ve gone shopping on my own. I’m sure you don’t want to waste a day off running errands.”

He waved her off, “It’s fine. This is fun. My only plans were to watch TV.”

“Oh. I guess I thought you might hang out with Y/N.” Jess smiled at the waitress as she ordered.

Bo quickly ordered what Jess had, not really paying much attention the mention of you had thrown him for a loop. “I…uhm…she’s out of town.” He cleared his throat, “Honeymoon.”

“I…I am so sorry! I shouldn’t have said anything!” Jess’s eye widened instantly feeling awful. “Wow I just keep messing up today.”

“It’s fine. Really.” He took a sip of his water, “I’m having a lot of fun.”

Jess bit her lip before she began to pick at the croissant she had ordered. Bo ate quietly too which was odd for him but he really wasn’t sure what to say.

“So?” They both spoke at the same time causing them both to laugh.

“You go first.” She offered with a small smile.

“What brought you to Japan?” Bo asked, mouth slightly full of croissant which makes her laugh for a second.

She fiddled with her napkin, her mouth dried slightly. “Can I speak freely?”

Bo cocked his head to the side, not fully understanding, “Of course.”

“I guess you could say I have a Y/N of my own.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “His name is Mark and for years he told me that when he fulfilled his goals, he’d finally be ready for a relationship. Well six years is a long time and 5300+ miles seemed far enough to start over.”

Bo nodded, part of him was glad that he met someone who understood, but the other part, the bigger part of him hated it because no one deserves to feel that way.

“Well, Mark sounds like a dick, but I am glad that it brought you here. I like you.” Bo smiled, noticing her cheeks turned bright pink.

“I like you too.” Jess smiled.

*                      * It didn’t take long for Jess and Bo to become attached at the hip; after the first few hangouts they quickly learned they had a lot in common. And for the things they didn’t have in common? They just taught each other about it.

The moment she expressed interest in volleyball, Bo jumped on the opportunity to teach her; even bringing her to the gym to show her a few moves with Hinata and Kuroo. The latter spent most of the time teasing Bo by flirting with Jess, even picking her up when she assisted in a block. Kuroo lived to pick on Bo, but he was happy Bo had someone in his life to help him get move on. He even managed to snap a photo when Bo picked up her, cheering with a sparkle in her eyes when she spiked a ball.

When Bo mentioned that he had always liked plants but couldn’t seem to keep on alive, Jess jumped on the chance to help him. Her apartment was filled with various types of plants; flowers and herbs and Bo loved listening to her go on and on about them. She went out and bought pots, soil and seeds and made it a challenge to see who could grow their plant the tallest; Bo quickly accepted and then in the same breath overwatered the seeds. Jess gifted him a fake plant short after.

Mid-April 2019

“Are you sure I look okay?” Jess asked, for the fourth time since Bo picked her up. They were sitting in his car outside of Kuroo’s apartment. Just like the other three times, he assured her that she looked beautiful.

“You’ll be the best looking one there.” Bo smiled as she rolled her eyes at him. He wasn’t lying, based on what Bo heard from Kuroo it was mostly just going be you, Jess, Bo, Kuroo and Kenma.

She looked down at her outfit one more time; dark blue skinny jeans, a pale pink flowy top with a thin gray sweater. She knew she’d looked fine, this was her go-to outfit back in California, but for some reason she didn’t feel confident in it. Maybe she should’ve worn her black ankle boots instead of her chestnut brown ones.

Her thoughts are interrupted when Bo opened her door, reaching his hand for hers. She gave him a straight smile as he pulled her into a hug. Breathing in his woody scented cologne instantly relaxed her; sandalwood quickly became a scent she yearned for since meeting him.

He lifted her chin with his index finger, making eye contact with her, “You look stunning. Stop worrying so much.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead causing her to smile.

He intertwined his fingers with hers before they walked into Kuroo’s apartment. Kuroo quickly answered the door.

“HEY HEY HEY!” Bo shouted in reply to Kuroo’s “HEY HEY!”

“Hey, Kuroo.” Jess smiled and then blushed when Kuroo grabbed her free hand, kissing the back of it.

“You know you can call me Tetsu.” He winked which caused Bo to pull Jess into the apartment, muttering that Kuroo worked just fine. Bo knew Kuroo was doing it to get under his skin, he wasn’t clueless, but Jess meant the world to Bo and he wanted to protect her. Kuroo was one of his closest friends and yeah, he trusted him, but Mark was still constantly on Jess’s mind. She needed more time to heal.

You were sitting on the couch when Bo and Jess walked in. You smiled at the pair, noting that Bo was still clinging on to her hand and how he had stiffened at Kuroo’s suggestion for her to call him by his first name.

After failing to agree on where to go to enjoy the night, Kuroo suggested seeing which set of best friends knew each other better. Kuroo clearly feeling that he and Kenma would have a landslide of a victory. Kenma shrugged since Kuroo took his gaming console and hid it which Kuroo and Bokuto took as agreeing. Bokuto was game for anything to show off his competitive side and to beat Kuroo.

The only issue was who would be Bokuto’s partner. Jess awkwardly stared between everyone not wanting to step on anyone’s toes.

“Bo, you can have Jess and Y/N. You’ll need all the help you can get.” Kuroo winked at Jess.

“It’s fine, I can sit this game out.”  Jess said, holding her hands up. “I’ll pick the questions to ask.” “Oh no, it’s fine.” You smiled at her, “I don’t mind seeing what you got.”

“Are we gonna have a cat fight?” Kuroo raised an eyebrow which gained a glare from you, an elbow to the ribcage from Kenma and Bo shaking his head.

“No. I just think it’d be fun. If I play, we’d smoke ya!” You teased Kuroo, sticking out your tongue.

“What do ya, Jess? Be my partner?” Bo smiled and you couldn’t help but see the way Jess’s face flushed as she nodded before moving to sit next to him.

You watched the two of them scoot closer to each other, Bo’s hand resting gently on her thigh as if that’s the most natural thing. Bo was a touchy person, you weren’t blind to that but it made you feel…jealous?

Once upon a time, during the first year you met Bokuto, you developed a crush on the two-toned haired boy. You thought that you had been obvious about it and had dropped hints, but Bo never seemed to reciprocate it or catch on. So, you moved on, leaving the idea in your first-year classroom.

“Y/N, ask the first question!” Kuroo shouted.

“Hold on, hold on.” You scrolled on a website until you found what you were looking for. “Okay, we’ll start with Team KuroKen: What’s your best friend’s favorite food?”

“Easy peasy! Apple pie!” Kuroo smirked, knowing he was right.

“Grilled Mackerel.” Kenma sighed, clearly uninterested.

“Correct!” You cheered. “Now for Team Bess.” “Bess?” Jess scrunched up her face.

You shrugged, “All I could think of on short notice.”

“Cool name or not, we’re gonna win!” Bo wrapped his arm around Jess’s waist, pulling her tighter to him. “Jess’s favorite food is mashed potatoes.”

Jess grinned towards you, “And Bo’s is BBQ meat.”

“C’mon Y/N, give us a hard question!” Kuroo begged.

The four of them continued to answer question after question until both teams had a tied score of 20. You began to smirk to yourself when you found the perfect question. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Jess, she seemed nice enough, but Bokuto had been your best friend for years and you didn’t like the fact that someone thought that six months was long enough to act like they knew Bo.

“Here we go, perfect question.” You winked at Jess, “What was the last movie your best friend watched?”

Team KuroKen quickly answered and a confident Kuroo started gloating about how they already won.

“Bo last watched Coco!” Jess exclaimed.

“Actually, it was (your favorite movie) a few weeks ago when I was upset.” You shrugged with a smirk on your face. Jess got up, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

“WE WON!” Kuroo shouted before teasing Bokuto that maybe he’d have better luck next time.

“Kuroo, calm down.” Kenma sighed.

“No, Y/N, it was Coco.” Bo stood up, shaking his head, “We watched it together a few nights ago.”

“Well,” you stammered, crossing your arms. “How was I supposed to know?”

“You could’ve waited until I answered.” He let out a deep breath.

“That doesn’t make her your best friend.” You all but shouted.

“I can have more than one best friend.” Bo started walking towards the bathroom to find Jess. “You do, you have Youta, right? Why can’t I have Jess?”

Kuroo let out a low, awkward whistle before Kenma shook his head, heading into the kitchen.

“Youta is my husband. Jess is just...Jess. You’ve known her less than a year.”

“But you always said you’d marry your best friend. And so what? Jess is important to me, that should be enough for you to accept her.”

He walked down the hall, knocking on the bathroom door before gently opening it. He found Jess sitting on the side of the tub, tears in her eyes. Bo kneeled in front of her, pulling her into his arms, apologizing.

“Guess I should’ve just picked the questions, huh?” She laughed and a small sob mixed with it.

Bo started to laugh, “You’re something else, you know that?”

Previous/ Masterlist /Next

[lilbudz]

I am 27 weeks pregnant. The healthcare system has failed me, yet again..

Started having what felt like contractions around 11:50 A.M. yesterday. Obviously, I’m aware that Braxton- Hicks contractions are a thing! The maybe contractions started getting more painful and time passed and with 5-10 minute intervals in between. At this point, I decided i should call my OB. Time is now 12:40. I am greeted by a receptionist who I explain what’s going on to- she then transfers me back to my doctors nurse. VOICEMAIL, of course. Fucking hate voicemail. As any normal concerned mom would do, I left a message.

REWIND: day before I had an appointment with my OB which I haven’t physically seen since July 12th. I’ve requested her every time. Not to mention, there is another person in this small town with the same name as me, spelling is only 3 letters different in the last name. I think i accidentally had her appointment the last time I went for my general OB check up. Anyways, they dismissed my initial concerns for that visit and verbalized that they wanted to see if i was dilated due to my chief complaint. Not only did they not check me, they didn’t lay a hand on me other than to check little mans heart rate. End result, they said I was dehydrated.

Okay.. back up to speed:

After I left a message I called my boss, which happens to also be one of my closest friends… (Small town. Super small.) She instructed me to call urgent care aware of the fact my doctor hasn’t really been available for me. Our urgent care (the only one) doesn’t have the means to see pregnancy patients with potential problems. They don’t have an ultrasound machine…like at all. Called my OB again to then not even get a receptionist. Getting heated at this point. I call my boss back, we talk for about 20 minutes on the situation. I, once again, call my OB. No receptionist AGAIN! I call our local hospital that my OB is affiliated with mainly just to make sure I wouldn’t be in a COVID unit. Our hospital is full of COVID. We’re sending heart attack and stroke patients to the nearest big city hospital which is about 40 minutes away. The hospital receptionist transfers me to the maternity ward nurse. I speak with her and she reassures me that they have a direct line to my OB and there is always someone there to answer their calls. 15 minutes pass… then 20.. then 30 minutes pass. At this point, I am done waiting. I’m obviously not a priority and neither is my unborn child. I get myself together and ready to go. My boyfriend works in the city 40 minutes away so I drive to that hospital which is also where the both of us were born. My sister- in- law, who just found out she’s expecting, meets me. I went in to the Emergency Room and they immediately take me to the fourth floor- labor and delivery. The nurses seemed to be adamant about helping me and keeping me somewhat chilled out. They hook me up to a fetal heart rate monitor and take my vitals. One of the nurses ends up having a hard time finding my chart and information so she does what she can IT wise in the room- couldn’t figure out the resolution so she left. About an hour later the doctor walks in, barely gives an introduction, asks me what’s going on- irritated that an hour after I’m there I have to repeat myself- but I explain what’s going on. She says “we’re going to check your cervix.” Walks over to the bed, positions and spreads my legs and tells me to hold that position. With ZERO warning, she jams her pointer and middle finger into my vagina with absolutely no regard for how uncomfortable or painful it may be. I levitated in pain. Fully off the bed. My sister coaching me and holding me down while this doctor yells at me for not holding my legs in position. I had pissed her off so badly she straight up walked out not saying anything. My sister and i just looked at each other like “what the fuck just happened?” I get up, clean myself up with whatever I could find, in pure shock and feeling almost violated. I make way to the bathroom and when I return the nurse is standing there with my discharge papers. She said “did she tell you we were going to send you home?” We both looked at the nurse and said “she didn’t say or explain or talk to me about shit.” Explained the encounter to the nurse and she just blew it off like it was a normal thing for that to happen. I’m fuming at this point. How can you tell everything about my insides and my child by ramming your fingers into me? I ask if there are any other tests they can do, anything they can tell me about what is going on, or just anything! She says ‘nope” then proceeds to tell me that on top of that they don’t know what is going on with me. Fuck, I wonder why not?

So I leave, with no answers, no pain resolution, and no sense of security because I have no idea what is going on. Back to square one, with three different facilities, all with the same nonchalant attitude.

So…

Fuck the fucking system. You suck.

[thebraingremlinsaremad]

Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

[stevishabitat]

The summer wasn’t meant to be like this. By April, Greene County, in southwestern Missouri, seemed to be past the worst of the pandemic. Intensive-care units that once overflowed had emptied. Vaccinations were rising. Health-care workers who had been fighting the coronavirus for months felt relieved—perhaps even hopeful. Then, in late May, cases started ticking up again. By July, the surge was so pronounced that “it took the wind out of everyone,” Erik Frederick, the chief administrative officer of Mercy Hospital Springfield, told me. “How did we end up back here again?”

The hospital is now busier than at any previous point during the pandemic. In just five weeks, it took in as many COVID-19 patients as it did over five months last year. Ten minutes away, another big hospital, Cox Medical Center South, has been inundated just as quickly. “We only get beds available when someone dies, which happens several times a day,” Terrence Coulter, the critical-care medical director at CoxHealth, told me.

Last week, Katie Towns, the acting director of the Springfield–Greene County Health Department, was concerned that the county’s daily cases were topping 250. On Wednesday, the daily count hit 405. This dramatic surge is the work of the super-contagious Delta variant, which now accounts for 95 percent of Greene County’s new cases, according to Towns. It is spreading easily because people have ditched their masks, crowded into indoor spaces, resumed travel, and resisted vaccinations. Just 40 percent of people in Greene County are fully vaccinated. In some nearby counties, less than 20 percent of people are.

Many experts have argued that, even with Delta, the United States is unlikely to revisit the horrors of last winter. Even now, the country’s hospitalizations are one-seventh as high as they were in mid-January. But national optimism glosses over local reality. For many communities, this year will be worse than last. Springfield’s health-care workers and public-health specialists are experiencing the same ordeals they thought they had left behind. “But it feels worse this time because we’ve seen it before,” Amelia Montgomery, a nurse at CoxHealth, told me. “Walking back into the COVID ICU was demoralizing.”

Those ICUs are also filling with younger patients, in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, including many with no underlying health problems. In part, that’s because elderly people have been more likely to get vaccinated, leaving Delta with a younger pool of vulnerable hosts. While experts are still uncertain if Delta is deadlier than the original coronavirus, every physician and nurse in Missouri whom I spoke with told me that the 30- and 40-something COVID-19 patients they’re now seeing are much sicker than those they saw last year. “That age group did get COVID before, but they didn’t usually end up in the ICU like they are now,” Jonathan Brown, a respiratory therapist at Mercy, told me. Nurses are watching families navigate end-of-life decisions for young people who have no advance directives or other legal documents in place.

Almost every COVID-19 patient in Springfield’s hospitals is unvaccinated, and the dozen or so exceptions are all either elderly or immunocompromised people. The vaccines are working as intended, but the number of people who have refused to get their shots is crushing morale. Vaccines were meant to be the end of the pandemic. If people don’t get them, the actual end will look more like Springfield’s present: a succession of COVID-19 waves that will break unevenly across the country until everyone has either been vaccinated or infected. “You hear post-pandemic a lot,” Frederick said. “We’re clearly not post-pandemic. New York threw a ticker-tape parade for its health-care heroes, and ours are knee-deep in COVID.”

That they are in this position despite the wide availability of vaccines turns difficult days into unbearable ones. As bad as the winter surge was, Springfield’s health-care workers shared a common purpose of serving their community, Steve Edwards, the president and CEO of CoxHealth, told me. But now they’re “putting themselves in harm’s way for people who’ve chosen not to protect themselves,” he said. While there were always ways of preventing COVID-19 infections, Missourians could have almost entirely prevented this surge through vaccination—but didn’t. “My sense of hope is dwindling,” Tracy Hill, a nurse at Mercy, told me. “I’m losing a little bit of faith in mankind. But you can’t just not go to work.”

When Springfield’s hospitals saw the first pandemic wave hitting the coasts, they could steel themselves. This time, with Delta thrashing Missouri fast and first, they haven’t had time to summon sufficient reinforcements. Between them, Mercy and Cox South have recruited about 300 traveling nurses, respiratory therapists, and other specialists, which is still less than they need. The hospitals’ health-care workers have adequate PPE and most are vaccinated. But in the ICUs and in COVID-19 wards, respiratory therapists still must constantly adjust ventilators, entire teams must regularly flip patients onto their belly and back again, and nurses spend long shifts drenched in sweat as they repeatedly don and doff protective gear. In previous phases of the pandemic, both hospitals took in patients from other counties and states. “Now we’re blasting outward,” Coulter said. “We’re already saturating the surrounding hospitals.”

Meanwhile, the hospitals’ own staff members are exhausted beyond telling. After the winter surge, they spent months catching up on record numbers of postponed surgeries and other procedures. Now they’re facing their sharpest COVID-19 surge yet on top of those backlogged patients, many of whom are sicker than usual because their health care had to be deferred. Even with hundreds of new patients with lung cancer, asthma, and other respiratory diseases waiting for care in outpatient settings, Coulter still has to cancel his clinics because “I have to be in the hospital all the time,” he said.

Many health-care workers have had enough. Some who took on extra shifts during past surges can’t bring themselves to do so again. Some have moved to less stressful positions that don’t involve treating COVID-19. Others are holding the line, but only just. “You can’t pour from an empty cup, but with every shift it feels like my co-workers and I are empty,” Montgomery said. “We are still trying to fill each other up and keep going.”

The grueling slog is harder now because it feels so needless, and because many patients don’t realize their mistake until it’s too late. On Tuesday, Hill spoke with an elderly man who had just been admitted and was very sick. “He said, ‘I’m embarrassed that I’m here,’” she told me. “He wanted to talk about the vaccine, and in the back of my mind I’m thinking, You have a very high likelihood of not leaving the hospital.” Other patients remain defiant. “We had someone spit in a nurse’s eye because she told him he had COVID and he didn’t believe her,” Edwards said.

Some health-care workers are starting to resent their patients—an emotion that feels taboo. “You’re just angry,” Coulter said, “and you feel guilty for getting angry, because they’re sick and dying.” Others are indignant on behalf of loved ones who don’t already have access to the vaccines. “I’m a mom of a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old, and the daughter of family members in Zimbabwe and South Africa who can’t get vaccinated yet,” says Matifadza Hlatshwayo Davis, who works at a Veterans Affairs hospital in St. Louis. “I’m frustrated, angry, and sad.”

“I don’t think people get that once you become sick enough to be hospitalized with COVID, the medications and treatments that we have are, quite frankly, not very good,” says Howard Jarvis, the medical director of Cox South’s emergency department. Drugs such as dexamethasone offer only incremental benefits. Monoclonal antibodies are effective only during the disease’s earliest stages. Doctors can give every recommended medication, and patients still have a high chance of dying. The goal should be to stop people from getting sick in the first place.

But Missouri Governor Mike Parson never issued a statewide mask mandate, and the state’s biggest cities—Kansas City, St. Louis, Springfield, and Columbia—ended their local orders in May, after the CDC said that vaccinated people no longer needed to wear masks indoors. In June, Parson signed a law that limits local governments’ ability to enact public-health restrictions. And even before the pandemic, Missouri ranked 41st out of all the states in terms of public-health funding. “We started in a hole and we’re trying to catch up,” Towns, the director of the Springfield–Greene County Health Department, told me.

Her team flattened last year’s curve through testing, contact tracing, and quarantining, but “Delta has just decimated our ability to respond,” Kendra Findley, the department’s administrator for community health and epidemiology, told me. The variant is spreading too quickly for the department to keep up with every new case, and more people are refusing to cooperate with contact tracers than at this time last year. The CDC has sent a “surge team” to help, but it’s just two people: an epidemiologist, who is helping analyze data on Delta’s spread, and a communications person. And like Springfield’s hospitals, the health department was already overwhelmed with work that had been put off for a year. “Suddenly, I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day,” Findley said.

Early last year, Findley stuck a note on her whiteboard with the number of people who died in the 1918 flu pandemic: 50 million worldwide and 675,000 in the U.S. “It was for perspective: We will not get here. You can manage this,” she told me. “I looked at it the other day and I think we’re going to get there. And I feel like a large segment of the population doesn’t care.”

The 1918 flu pandemic took Missouri by surprise too, says Carolyn Orbann, an anthropologist at the University of Missouri who studies that disaster. While much of the world felt the brunt of the pandemic in October 1918, Missouri had irregular waves with a bigger peak in February 1920. So when COVID-19 hit, Orbann predicted that the state might have a similarly drawn-out experience. Missouri has a widely dispersed population, divided starkly between urban and rural places, and few highways—a recipe for distinct and geographically disparate microcultures. That perhaps explains why new pathogens move erratically through the state, creating unpredictable surges and, in some pockets, a false sense of security. Last year, “many communities may have gone through their lockdown period without registering a single case and wondered, What did we do that for?” Orbann told me.

She also suspects that Missourians in 1918 might have had a “better overhead view of the course of the pandemic in their communities than the average citizen has now.” Back then, the state’s local papers published lists of people who were sick, so even those who didn’t know anyone with the flu could see that folks around them were dying. “It made the pandemic seem more local,” Orbann said. “Now, with fewer hometown newspapers and restrictions on sharing patient information, that kind of knowledge is restricted to people working in health care.”

Montgomery, the CoxHealth nurse, feels that disparity whenever she leaves the hospital. “I work in the ICU, where it’s like a war zone, and I go out in public and everything’s normal,” she said. “You see death and suffering, and then you walk into the grocery store and get resistance. It feels like we’re being ostracized by our community.”

If anything, people in the state have become more entrenched in their beliefs and disbeliefs than they were last year, Davis, the St. Louis–based doctor, told me. They might believe that COVID-19 has been overblown, that young people won’t be harmed, or that the vaccines were developed too quickly to be safe. But above all else, “what I predominantly get is, ‘I don’t want to talk to you about that; let’s move on,’” Davis said.

People take the pandemic seriously when they can see it around them. During past surges in other parts of the U.S., curves flattened once people saw their loved ones falling ill, or once their community became the unwanted focus of national media coverage. The same feedback loop might be starting to occur in Missouri. The major Route 66 Festival has been canceled. More people are making vaccine appointments at both Cox South and Mercy.

In Springfield, the public-health professionals I talked with felt that they had made successful efforts to address barriers to vaccine access, and that vaccine hesitancy was the driving force of low vaccination rates. Improving those rates is now a matter of engendering trust as quickly as possible. Springfield’s firefighters are highly trusted, so the city set up vaccine clinics in local fire stations. Community-health advocates are going door-to-door to talk with their neighbors about vaccines. The Springfield News-Leader is set to publish a full page of photos of well-known Springfieldians who are advocating for vaccination. Several local pastors have agreed to preach about vaccines from their pulpits and set up vaccination events in their churches. One such event, held at James River Church on Monday, vaccinated 156 people. “Once we got down to the group of hesitant people, we’d be happy if we had 20 people show up to a clinic,” says Cora Scott, Springfield’s director of public information and civic engagement. “To have 156 people show up in one church in one day is phenomenal.”

But building trust is slow, and Delta is moving fast. Even if the still-unvaccinated 55 percent of Missourians all got their first shots tomorrow, it would still take a month to administer the second ones, and two weeks more for full immunity to develop. As current trends show, Delta can do a lot in six weeks. Still, “if we can get our vaccination levels to where some of the East Coast states have got to, I’ll feel a lot better going into the fall,” Frederick, Mercy’s chief administrative officer, said. “If we plateau again, my fear is that we will see the twindemic of flu and COVID.”

In the meantime, southwest Missouri is now a cautionary tale of what Delta can do to a largely unvaccinated community that has lowered its guard. None of Missouri’s 114 counties has vaccinated more than 50 percent of its population, and 75 haven’t yet managed more than 30 percent. Many such communities exist around the U.S. “There’s very few secrets about this disease, because the answer is always somewhere else,” Edwards said. “I think we’re a harbinger of what other states can expect.”

[fanbynature]

Obikin x AU /part 1/

Here are some additional things to know before you read the fic.

The ages of some of the characters are: Obi - 28, Rex - 26, Anakin - 23, Ahsoka - 19 going on 20, Plo/Shmi - late 40s, Qui-Gon - early 50s

The thing about the setting is this: It’s still in the SW universe, so aliens, planets and the like still exist and I am mixing it up with our reality while using some slang from SW. It’s set in a peaceful time period, so it’s just a normal living situation for them at the moment. The Jedi are going to have a place in the story but nothing too major. I hope this is not too weird.

I was hoping this to be just a one shot but I had to go and write something that is deeper than just some shag scene. I do love readin just plain NC-17 stuff but this ain’t it one. 

There are some warnings /non-healthy life choices, mention of non-con/rape, foul language, ooc - it’s an au what do you expect/

Obi-Wan is in a punk-rock band by the name of "Space Maniacs" that has been active for a few years but has not been very popular until recently. They had started to search for a better studio to record their songs because the home soundproofed garage of Ahsoka's dad, as nice as he is, does not scream "professionalism". Or at least that is what Ahsoka and Rex had been trying to sell to Obi-Wan. Honestly, he does feel apologetic towards Plo, Ahsoka's dad, for all the inconvenience they have caused even though the man had said time and time again that he feels proud of their tenacity and doesn't mind as long as they keep out of trouble.

And when Obi-Wan meets Anakin, the musician tells himself that he may start believing in God, because it's a whole ass miracle that the man comes across the band. 'Cuz if a guy that cute knows the band, is offering his very real and professionally equipped studio plus has the total hots for a certain lead singer it must be some type of miracle created by the almighty Her or that's what Ahsoka had been going on about for the past 20 minutes in the backstage area of one of Coruscant's' better known night cantinas they had just performed at. The cantina is called "Dirty Habit" and tonight they may have met somebody that will be beneficial for the future of the band. At least that is what they are all hoping for.

Obi-Wan had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at the comment that the guy has the hots for him so he settles for a snort. Even if it was true the decision of having sex with someone that could be professionally engaged with the band, won't be a wise one to make. Even if Obi-Wan found the idea of kissing those plush pink lips and to have his hands go through those dirty blond curls, tugging them enormously enchanting. The younger man would make such pretty noises for him. Fuck, no. That is a dangerous zone to enter. He won't jeopardize this chance for the band just because of a shag. Even if it's the best shag he could have in his life.

The guy, Anakin Skywalker as he introduced himself 30-40 minutes ago to the band after they had finished their set made a very tempting offer that they can hardly refuse. He offered them a fully equiped studio to use for as long as they want for 30 cred each month. The band wasn't sure whether they can trust him because that seemed like a total scam, that in the end they would be the one that have to pay an enourmous amount of money. However he explained that he and his mother have a non-profit organisation that helps rising artists who struggle to find their footing. Anakin gave them their cards and assured the band that they can check them out first on their Infocache and confirm that everuthing is legitimate. He doesn't blame them as he understands the dangers of being a rising artist and the people who try and take advantage of that. The blond also explained that he has followed the band for quite sometime now, since they were still experimenting with their sound actually and choose to first observe them and later decided to introduce them to his mother and if everything with their donors went smoothly they would help them. And here he was, speaking with them, offering them a generous amount of help.

They thanked him, understood everything but came to an agreement that they need just a little bit of time and they will contact him back with their answer.

"Honestly, Nobi, I don't understand why we just didn't agree on it on the spot. Anakin seemed genuine and proper with his cards and polite talking. And not so polite ogling."

Obi-Wan glared towards Rex and flipped him off.

"What did I tell you about that nickname? Stop using it. It's annoying. Also, we should not appear desperate. Weren't you the ones that were yapping about how we should "behave more professional-like". I was trying to not appear like I was going to suck this guy off. And I am the one who is in the wrong?"

"He didn't seem to mind. Bet he would suck you off before you get the chance to do it. Haha" the young togruta tried to whisper talk but it was loud enough for the fuming ginger to hear.

"Seriously you too? Can I get a break from the two of you?"

"Whaaaat? Come on, Obi. I know you are irked because Satine decided to end up things but you seriously can't blame her or take it out on us." Obi-Wan was contemplating the ways he could make a murder look like an accident or suicide. "Honestly, you can't look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn't know that this was coming. Like seriously, it was not going well."

Rex was watching his bandmates from the side and was sensing that things were going to either explode soon enough or their lead singer was going to storm out of the room to go get shit faced, sleep in some alleyway and get him and Ahsoka in trouble.

"Ahsoka." Both the man and the girl turned towards Rex. "I think it's time to stop with the jokes and get you home." The lead singer's eyes filled with gratitude towards the bass player and he gave Rex a little smile.

"Oh, Rex, you too. Let's have a little drink to celebrate. We deserve it. You two should stop behaving like old men. You are in your freaking 20s. Live a little."

"Rex is right. I have to go to work tomorrow morning. Get off me and prepare to go."

"That's not true. I know your schedule, it's your day off." Ahsoka scowled at Obi-Wan with disbelieve and crossed her arms in front of her. The man was trying not to snort at the display off childness of their youngest bandmate.

"Well, I decided to take a shift. The extra cash won't hurt us. Especially now that we have to pay for a studio." He smiled a little and gave Rex a knowing looking.

"So we are going to accept the help?!"

"Sure" Obi-Wan turned his gaze towards Ahsoka, gave her a bigger smile and then transformed his facial feautures into a more irritated emotion “Now let’s go because your father it’s going to kill me.” 

-----------------------------------------------

Of course, Obi-Wan didn’t have an extra shift and Ahsoka doesn’t have to know that. It’s not like he doesn’t want to get an extra shift, the thing is he can’t get one because he has the maximum available shifts his manager can give him. Other people have to work too, you kriffin menace, you know that right. Also I am going to tie you up to your bed and not allow you to do anything for a week straight if you don’t stop bugging me. Obi-Wan is slightly afraid of Cody now. He was even thinking of asking him to help in another position but he decided against it. Maybe Cody is right but that doesn’t mean that the Obi-Wan is going to listen to him. He has responsibilities and he can’t allow himself to rely on other people. Even if that was the reason him and his father have become estranged. It doesn’t matter, not anymore. He is a capable adult who does not expect other people to do his work. 

He may start to search for another job.

The ringing of the phone by the bedside brought up the troubled man back to reality. Shit, Ahsoka. Maybe he can ignore that. If he waits long enough it’s going to stop ringing. Ah, yes. Silence. Then a massage sound.

DONT IGNORE ME, KENOBI! I know.... 

Oh, for kriffing....She went to his job. Ringing again.

“Shouldn’t you be at Uni?”

“Shouldn’t you be at work? You liar. You know better than to lie to me, Obi-Wan. You should have just told me that your old bones were tired yesterday and Rex and I could have stayed and you could have gone home without lying. Also I have 1 hour brake and decided to visit your sorry ass. Know can you... ”

The older male was trying to remane calm as he knew that getting mad at the girl won’t be a sensible decision. She was right. He lied to her but she didn’t know earlier and was probably just worried that he was exhausting himself and wanted to check on him.

“Ahsoka, can you please slow down. Look, I am sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. Sorry for making you worried.”

Silence.

“If you want to...” Obi-wan started with a sigh but couldn’t finish.

“Next time just tell me the truth. I may be young and have to experience things but I am not daft....I am sorry too. For annoying you about Satine and the Skywalker guy. I was just trying to have some fun. But it was that peachy for you. I should have known better. It hasn’t been that easy for you this past year and I chose the wrong way of cheering you up.”

“When did you mature so much?” the older man was getting filled with a warm sensation in his chest. Proudness. The proudness of a big brother. Even if they weren’t related Ahsoka was close to him as any real sister he could have had.

“Tell anything to Rex and you are dead to me.” the girl warned him with an exaggarated threat in her voice.

“Hahah. I think Rex will truly appreciate the way you are starting to carry yourself, the way you think and sense the emotions in other people. He will love this side of you as much as he adores the careless, fun and cheerful side of you. Rex hasn’t been around as much as I have but his brotherly protectivness over you seems to be stronger than mine.”

“Stop it, you are making me blush.”

“It’s very much true. You know that one time-”

“So when are we going to talk with the Skywalker guy?” Ahsoka seemed to be in a rush and cut off the sentimental notion that the conversation was headed to. Obi-wan rolled his eyes. There haven’t been any time to really think about it but it has been sitting at the back of his head, constantly reminding him. The sooner he calls the better for the band. However there was this constant feeling of anxiety that was washing over him. He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t tell his bandmates, they would think he is just not getting enough sleep or food. He can’t talk to Cody because he really had the chance to tell him anything about yesterday and Ahsoka was waiting for an answer now.

“How about tomorrow? If that’s alright with you Miss Ahsoka?”

“Of course, my leash. My very trustworthy Knight in armor or Jedi in robes. I don’t know. Choose one. That’s sounds fantastic. I’ll talk with Rex and come by your house after I am finished. You just go and sleep, you old man.”

“Stop calling me an old man.”

“You stop acting like one.” she said with a mocking tone and hanged up.

Oh, Force. Sometimes he wishes he has chosen a different path for his life. This one seems like it needs a restart. Hm, maybe he should have become a Jedi. What he knew from his father is that he is Force sensitive but when a young Jedi had come to speak with Qui-Gon about the future of his child he had declined the offer of giving Obi-Wan to them. They had a long conversation and had concluded that as an ex-Jedi Qui-Gon had the abilities to keep his son save and help him if there was any trouble. So in reaching an agreement of Obi-Wan’s future as a Force Sensitive kid he can say that he had a pretty normal and stable upbringing. Well, except maybe a few instances. Some of those were his own fault so he couldn’t really blame the people that came across him. He turned out quite decent in end. For the most parts.

However from the texts which he could find about the Jedi some things seemed more appealing than others but certainly they didn’t feel as they were too far way from him. He could have easily fit with the culture. But he loves music too much too give it up now. He loves Rex and Ahsoka as his own family and he doesn’t want to let them down. 

----------------------------------------------- 

3 hours later

There was a banging from somewhere outside but the drowsiness from the sleep couldn’t quite allow him to register where it came from. After a few more moments of banging and the voice of Ahsoka, Obi-Wan finally came to his senses. The door. 

He rubbed his eyes and yelled a muted “I am coming. Stop doing that. The door is going to fall.” He was still sleepy and couldn’t find his slippers so he just headed barefooted with one open eye towards the door and opened it.

“Finally. We were going to- Can, you please put something on ?” Ahsoka looked her friend up and down, unimpressed and passed by him to go inside. 

What in the blazes... His sleeping habit of undressing himself had acquired for the first time when he was hitting puberty and he couldn’t exactly explain what is what connected to. It’s probably the most embarrassing habit he could have developed, especially when the first time it happened was during summer camp with the freshers being mixed and him trying to sleepwalk to there in the early morning with his blader not allowing him to sleep. He couldn’t have predicted that there would be somebody else. He also didn’t know about the lack of clothes on him. With the years it got less frequent, thank the Force.

“We brought food and a holofilm. It’s the crime-suspense one we have been wanting to watch.” Rex tried to hide his smile and not to comment that his friend hasn’t been able to outgrow his adolescent habit. It’s not like everyone can train their brains to do what you want them to do, damn it, Rex.

“Did you come here straight from Uni?” Obi-Wan was trying to speak to the younger girl while she was putting the popcorns in the nanowave and just not staying in one place. He had two rooms + fresher and a balcony. How much more she can move?

“Sure. Why?” she moved to the balcony taking a pack of cigarettes. Obi-wan took the whole pack out of her hands and threw them to Rex. “Hey, come on”

“Not good for you.”

“Look who’s talking. Blondie, pass them back.” 

“I ain’t getting into the middle of that. I am just minding my own business, thank you very much.” 

“Chicken” Ahsoka puffed her cheeks out, signed and put her hands on the balcony’s metal barrier. 

“You should spend more time at home. I thought you stopped being a bratty rebel who didn’t like her dad that much with no reason.” 

“I did. And I do. I do spend time at home I mean.” A few beats pass by them, looking to the Coruscant’s landscape, basking in the noises of the city and background noises of Rex doing something in the kitchen. Ahsoka straightens up and turns around towards her friend, looking at the ground, playing with something in her hand. “I love my dad, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes there comes a time when you just feel like you have to split from each other and live alone.” A few more beats pass by “You understand better than anybody I know.”

“Of course I won’t judge you if you want to live separately from your father if that’s what you mean. I do hope you talk to him first and not just run away.”

“Absolutely. I am not that irresponsible, not anymore. I am sure he will miss me and it would be much harder for him than it is for me. I just need this at this point in my life.”

“I am sure he will understand. He is going to absolutely throw you “a goodbye party”. Or more likely “get home sooner” one.”

“Oh, Siths. Please don’t make me imagine this. It just sounds embarrassing.”

“Rex is totally going to get everything filmed.”

“I already know that I am going to kill him.”

Both of them laughed at the ridiculous situation. Obi-Wan placed his hand on the younger girl’s should in a reassuring manner. 

“Whatever you decide to do I am here for you one hundred and ten percent of the way.”

The togruta smiled at him and pulled him into a hug.

“Thanks, big bro”

“Oi, the sappy bunch, are we going to watch a movie or what?”

The other two rolled their eyes and returned back inside. While the two were chatting outside Rex had set the snacks and drinks on the coffee table and prepared the film for just pressing the play button. 

“Hey, look what we’ve got here. Can you believe, Obi. Our bassist is good at more things than just looking good, playing the bass and getting us a free drink.”

“He is sometimes good at repairing stuff. You gotta give him that.”

“Oh, yeah for sure.” the other two snickered while the blonde was flipping them off.

“Haha, you guys. You are a golden comedy duo. Can we now just watch the damn film? “

“Absolutely”

Halfway into the movie, Ahsoka fell asleep and the guys let her sleep on the bed and called Plo so he won’t worry about his daughter being kidnapped or something else. He told them that he could come to pick her up so it won’t be trouble for Obi-Wan but the younger man reassured him that it was no problem at all.

“So we are calling the Skywalker guy?”

“That is what you want, guys, right? I am not making that decision just on my own and just presuming your opinions.”

“Yeah, it is.’

“Then it’s decided.”

The two men were sitting on the floor cross-legged, drinking whatever was left from the things Rex and Ahsoka brought. 

“Do you want something stronger? “

“What do you have in mind?”

 “Cheedon whiskey. You know that is not my usual preference but someone who I used to fuck from time to time gave it to me recently as a gift for our good times. Amusingly he was there when Satine and I, well Satine to be precise broke things off. “ The ginger was pouring the drinks while talking and his bandmate was watching him cautiously .”But this is a great drink. Let’s drink to our future success. Cheers.”

“Cheers.” Rex watched his friend enjoying the brown beverage going down his throat and then looked at his own and sipped a little. Making a face because of the burning sensation of the drink. It had good after taste but Rex is definitely not the biggest fan of this type of liquor. He prefers his beer.

“How are things with after Satine? I mean I know you don’t like sharing the hard stuff with us, especially me. You sometimes talk to Ahsoka but you haven’t said anything. What I am getting at is that I am worried. We are worried, with Ahsoka. And we want to know if everything is really fine.”

Obi-Wan knew that Rex didn’t like initiating conversations with serious topics. He was usually there when you needed him, he doesn’t ask you a question, just stays with you until he knows you are ready to tell him what’s wrong. And Obi-Wan could sense the uncomfortableness in Rex’s everything. The older male greatly appreciated what his friend was doing for him and he didn’t want to just blow him off. He knew that it took strength to do something you don’t enjoy doing.

“I can’t blame her. As much as I want to say it was both of our fault. It was mine. I just wish she could have done it sooner for her own good. I was too much of a coward to leave her. I stayed with her just because I was used to it, but I didn’t really feel the way I felt before and it wasn’t fair to her. And that not being the worst part. Now cheating is what an immoral person does.”

“You know that wasn’t the full story.”

“Wasn’t it? I remember it differently.” Obi-Wan was pouring his third drink now and Rex was thinking of hiding the bottle. Or plain pouring it out into the sink.

“You don’t remember half the night. That is the problem. You are trying to take the full blame for something you weren’t even half-conscious to do.”

“But I was conscious enough to kriffing get it up and stick it up into a guy’s ass. Wasn’t I, Rex?” The ginger was trying no to raise his voice so he won’t wake up Ahsoka but he was having a hard time. He stood up, cursing under his breath, took his cigarettes and went to the balcony. 

Rex was blaming himself for even raising the question. He knew better than that. Why did he even try to get something out of the older? He never wins with him. His brother is better than him with that. Dealing with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Kriffing Siths. He begrudgingly went to the balcony’s door frame and stood there. Shifting his eyes between Coruscant’s view and his friend’s back. 

“Look, I know it doesn’t matter what I say, you are going to continue putting the full blame on yourself, but just know that. I am on your side. I will call you out when it needs to be done. But not when you don’t deserve it.”

“I wanted it, you know that Rex. I told you. You were there.”

“You were drunk. He wasn’t.”

Obi-Wan turned around with glistening eyes. Tears. 

“I said yes, Rex. I said it. I would-I would have said it even if I was sober, Rex. I know it. I do. I just-” the older male dropped to his knees. Putting out his cigarette and hanging his arms to the side.”I am just-just not sure anymore.” 

He looked up to Rex, with his cheeks already wet from the streaming tears. The blonde crouched down and hugged his friend. They stayed that like for a few minutes and Obi-wan spoke again, with a hushed voice.

“I think I am just trying to convince myself at this point. Not trying to fall apart. I can’t do it. If I fall apart I have to tell her. She can’t know, Rex. She’ll blame herself that she didn’t let me speak. It’s better that way.”

Rex pulled away from Obi-wan and sat on the floor across him, looking at his friend.

“You are kriffing idiot you know that. How is that better? Who is it better for exactly? Not you, that’s for sure.”

“Don’t say anything, Rex. Please. Not even to Ahsoka.”

Rex was wondering really hard how he could just prevent his friend from harming himself further than he already has. 

“I am not the person that is going to tell you how to live your life and what choices you have to make. That is your job. But I am the person who is going to be next to you until you want the help you need. Ahsoka and I are going to be here. Cody too. He cares for you too, even if he has “the though love makes you stronger logic”. Rex paused for a moment and continued “Your father will always be there for you too. Well, at least until you know. Nevermind.” He dies Rex thought.”Maybe things with Satine won’t be the same but they don’t have to be. The important thing is that you feel better.”

Obi-wan stopped crying and he was sniffling softly. Trying to get his composure back. He didn’t like showing his vulnerability. Even to his friends. He would start to think of himself as a burden but wanted to stop it.

“I don’t think I am ready yet Rex. I don’t think I am able to face it.”

“Look that is perfectly alright. As long as you don’t try and deal with it alone in an unhealthy way. We are here for you, okay.”

The only thing the ginger could manage as a response was a weak nod. He searched for his cigarettes and popped one his mouth. Rex picked up the conversation again.

“Truly the pot calling the kettle black.” he laughed a little to his friend’s earlier hypocrisy to Ahsoka. The older male looked at him confused.

“Huh? Oh, that. You know that I have tried to quit several times with no positive outcome.” He lit his cigarette and let out a blow of smoke.”It’s truly something I’ll never be able to fix.”

“Whatever you say, Nobi, whatever you say. Do you want me to stay more because the public transport will soon stop and the prices of the hovercabs are going up.”

“Nah, go. I am going to fine.”

“Call me when you get a word from Skywalker.”

‘Absolutely.”

----------------------------------------------- 

The next day came faster than he expected with the bustling city noises waking him up. He forgot to close the door to the balcony last night. He remembered dragging himself from the outside, laying down his futon and just laying down. Now he had a duvet, which he didn’t remember getting. Ahsoka. She is still sleeping. He realised it’s still early as Ahsoka haven’t gotten up and she usually doesn’t have classes until late morning or early noon. He wasn’t sleepy, which meant his day will be longer and that annoyed him to no limit. He grunted and pulled the duvet over his head.

“Can you please just let me sleep for one more hour? Your grinding teeth are really kriffing annoying you know that. I think you should really go and let a doctor check you out. You have too much sleeping habits. It’s not healthy.”

“I just woke up and you are already annoying me.”

A small heart-shaped pillow flew over his head almost hit him in the face.

“You missed.”

A creak from his bed followed by footsteps on the wooden floor. His eyes were closed so he did not anticipate a soft yet hard hit on the face by a larger pillow.

“I think not. Ugh, now I am woken up. Make us some coffee. You are the host. Be one.”

“Half of my wardrobe is filled with your clothes plus a couple of your shoes. I think you can make your own coffee.”

“You are unbelievable.”

A small scratching noise was coming from the window outside followed by a meow. Ahsoka’s head snapped towards the noise and she went to check it out. There was a middle-sized loth-cat. The cat’s whole body was white except a patch of brown on top of each eye. Which was now meowing in Ahsoka’s feet, not knowing if it could do anything else

“Did you get a loth cat and not tell me?”

“She’s not mine. She just came one day and I started feeding her. She comes from time to time and I give her food when I am here. She seems like she’s domesticized. She had a collar when she first came but not anymore. Didn’t have a tag or anything like that.”

The togruta had already started making noises at the animal and petting her. Obi-Wan got up, when to the kitchen and took out a packet from the cupboard under the sink. He passed the girl with the cat in her lap, went on the balcony and poured the food into a green plastic bowl. The cat run next to him and started eating. He petted her for a bit and stoop up.

“Okay then. I think it’s time you get ready for Uni and I am going to make us breakfast and then I am going talk to Anakin.”

“Okay, boss. Oh, there is something else I want to talk to you about.’

“Sure. What is it?”

“Um, I have actually started to look into some places where I can move to live. As you know I received some loan and grants before I entered Uni so I have some money saved and can live for a while on those. But I was wondering if you could still help me with checking out when I pick a place if it’s legit or not. You have some experience so I think it would help me greatly.”

“Yeah, yeah. No problem.”

“Okay, I have more to tell you but I am going to shower first.”

The ginger laughed to himself and returned his attention to the breakfast. He hasn’t cooked for himself in a while. Running on coffee and cereal lately hasn’t been that great on his health but work kept him from making healthy choices. Okay, he kept himself from making healthy choices. A soft meow interrupted his inner monologue and his attention shifted towards the small creature which was halfway inside halfway out. 

“Oh, water. I forgot. What an idiot.” 

He filled an empty jar with water and went outside to put it into another plastic bowl but this one was blue. 

“Here, little one. Enjoy.”

The man smiled slightly and petted the cat softly again, trying not to disturb it, then he returned inside and went to finish making the food. While the man was occupied with his furry friend the shower noise had stopped and minutes after that the young togruta came out surrounded by fog.

“You should be thankful I don’t ask you for money for the electric bill. Half of it it’s yours. Doesn’t your skin melt off or something. “

“No, Mr Freeze who would probably shower in ice cube bath. I don’t have your endurance. “

“I could say the same to you.” Obi-Wan sent his most mature response - sticking his tongue out which was returned by Ahsoka with twice the emotion. 

“What else are you going to tell me.”

The togruta got closer to the kitchen counter and started making coffee for both of them

“Oh. I asked Cody if he can help me with a job in like a month or two. And he said that he won’t be needing any additional staff for the near future but he said he can speak with some friends of his that are in the business and will let me know if something comes up. ”

“That’s great. I am so glad for you.” Obi-Wan set everything on the table, while Ahsoka put some background music to enjoy while they were eating. 

-----------------------------------------------

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

[neverbloom-again]

Chosen (for all the wrong reasons)

A Hotch/Reid fic crossposted from my ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/23649229)

Aaron knew it wasn’t necessarily rational. He knew exactly why Spencer had picked him, he knew why it was him who his lover named to be killed. He knew it was a message, in reality, he truly knew it, and understood it loud and clear. But no matter how well he knew this, he couldn’t help the voice in the back of his mind that screamed that he wasn’t picked because he would understand what Reid wanted to say. He couldn’t help but let the dark depths of his mind wander to places he never wished to reach, where the only thoughts were that he wasn’t good enough, that he wasn’t wanted, and the words resounding through his head, overpowering all other thoughts, were that maybe, he wasn’t ever really loved by anyone.

The moment Spencer said his name, his heart shattered into thousands of tiny little pieces. Hotch was sure that if anyone had been looking at his face at that one moment in time, their relationship would become clear as day, and the whole team would have seen, and to a certain extent, understood, the heartbreak he felt. But he quickly fixed his expression, covering up any evidence that his straight-faced facade had ever broken.

Even when Reid called him a narcissist, he didn’t understand why his name was said, not at first. It took him a few moments to work it out, realising it only because it seemed so strange for Spencer to say that. His partner was normally reassuring him that his faults didn’t matter, not pointing them out for everyone to see. And narcissism seemed a strange thing to pick out of all of the plentiful choices he had, because he didn’t really fit either of the definitions they had discussed - and that was when it had hit him, and he quickly continued on with the case, concern at the forefront of his mind.

The team found Spencer, and he was safe, thank god, even if he was bruised and beaten, and had so many mental scars. It pained him to see his lover so clearly struggling with the drugs, struggling to resist the urge to continue using, and the thoughts he was trying to keep at bay stayed away, for a while anyway, but he knew it wouldn’t last long. By the time Spencer was finishing his physical recovery, he could no longer keep the thoughts at bay.

He felt guilty, spending his time dwelling on these useless thoughts when really, he came out of the situation unharmed, objectively, but especially when compared to his partner, who came out with so many unbelievable mental and physical scars. Hotch knew he was weak for feeling this way, he was so keenly aware that he should be being strong, and not let his childish emotions get the best of him. His father made sure he knew from a young age that he was weak in this way, however, so how could he expect anything better from himself?

So, in his very typical way, Aaron held his feelings close to his chest, not revealing anything, not even to those closest to him. He kept his face blank and tried to keep his feelings from clouding his actions. He wasn’t angry, just… disappointed. He thought he had found someone who loved him, and theoretically, he still somewhat understood he did. In practice, seeing that was much harder. Regardless of his best efforts, he began to withdraw from the world around him, in his head so much more than he normally would be. He avoided Reid whenever he could because he wished that maybe if he stayed further away, he could either make Spencer like him more, as he wouldn’t see all of his flaws, or at least let the relationship slowly break naturally, so that the heartbreak might come slowly, and his heart wouldn’t shatter again.

Of course, this was a terrible plan, as despite his personal struggles and general inability to understand social situations, Spencer Reid was not an idiot. He could see that something was wrong with his partner, even if he had no clue what. He noticed Aaron’s constant distance, and the way he would do anything to help him, but never do anything for himself. He didn’t understand what had happened, or if it was something he had done or said.

“Boy Genius! To what do I owe the pleasure of speaking to you on this fine day?” Garcia said joyfully.

“Garcia, I need your help with something,” he began, “Well more accurately your advice… On a, well a personal matter.”

“Oh wow! Okay, what can I do for you then?” She almost dropped the phone in shock, not expecting that at all from the young man. “Is it about a special someone? Do you have a date?”

“Err… Well, I guess in a way. If I tell you, you need to not tell the team. Like not at all, not even Morgan can know.”

“Top secret! This is exciting! Now let the Goddess of Love know what is going on.”

Spencer was almost shaking. They hadn’t told anyone on the team, the only people that knew were his mother, Sean, and a few of Aaron’s old friends. They knew what repercussions it could have on the team, interpersonally and professionally.

“It’s Aaron. We have been dating for a while, and I am kind of worried about him because I can tell something is wrong, but he won’t talk to me, and I have no experience in these situations, and did you know that over 70%-”

“Hey, Spence, slow down there buddy!” She cut him off before he could fully begin to ramble. “So you and Boss-Man got together? That's pretty cool. You are definitely telling me all about that later, but for now, what's wrong with our mighty captain?”

“That’s the issue. I have no idea. He keeps avoiding me and he looks really sad and distant, but I don’t know what I’ve done!” Spencer was slowly getting more and more stressed and his agitation grew at his confusion.

“Calm down, I’m here to help. When did this start?” “I’m not really sure… He has seemed weird ever since… well you know, but it only got bad a few weeks after, and it keeps getting worse and worse and I am really worried about him. He hasn’t struggled this much since Haley left with Jack.”

Penelope was shaking her head, partly out of worry, for both of her boys, but also fond exasperation. For all that both of them were extremely intelligent and competent, they were absolutely useless with emotions.

“Spencer, I think you really need to talk to Hotch about this. Hankel was hard for you, and the aftermath certainly has been too, and he has probably been so worried about you being okay that he has forgotten to think about how he feels. Now before you go all self-deprecating and thinking this is all your fault, it’s not. You just need to have a good, healthy, slightly overdue emotional talk.”

“Thanks, Garcia. You are the best. And please, don’t-”

“Tell anyone, yeah, I got it. And I know. Good luck with the boss!”

Spencer placed his head in his hands after Penelope hung up the phone. Neither he nor Aaron were particularly good at emotional talks, in fact, both generally aimed to avoid them like the plague. But their relationship was on the line, and he would face anything to defend that.

So he picked up his phone, and quickly texted Aaron, letting him know that he would be coming over that evening, and bringing dinner, because they had to talk.

--

When Hotch got a text from Spencer ending in “we need to talk,” his mind went into overdrive. This was the end, the relationship was as good as done now. It hurt, more than he wanted to admit, given he knew it was most likely only a matter of time before Spencer left him, since he didn’t really love him, not as much as he loved his best friends on the team, or even Prentiss, the new agent who he barely knew.

He checked the time. He had an hour before it all ended, before his whole world collapsed. That meant just over an hour before Spencer would leave him breaking down, before everything they had turned back into a “just colleagues” relationship. It was strange. Hotch had expected the prior knowledge that it was coming to make it hurt less, but it was just as hard as finding Haley in bed with another man. Maybe it would have hurt less if this time it wasn’t his fault. But it was. Once is a fluke - his family couldn't love him. Twice is a coincidence - he wasn’t enough for his wife and his son. Three times, well that has to be a pattern.

Aaron washed his face, freshened up, and sat down at the table, staring at the clock as the time ticked on by. 60 minutes. 50 minutes. 40 minutes. 30 minutes. 20, 15, 10, 5. Just before the clock was about to change, to hit the impending time, a soft knock on the door pulled him away. It was here, It was the end.

To say that Spencer was stressed would have to be the understatement of the year. His palms were sweating, and his mind was racing with thoughts about absolutely everything. What if the whole issue was that he wasn’t good enough, or didn’t pay Aaron enough attention, or-- He was pulled out of his head by the door opening, showing his partner looking more fragile, more frightened than he had ever been, staring down the barrel of a gun or waiting for a bomb to explode.

“Hey, Aaron, are you okay?” Spencer asked, cautiously, as he made his way into the house. Hotch straightened his face and tensed up.

“Yes Reid, I am fine. What did you want to talk about?” Keeping it together was killing the older man, as he was just ready to breakdown as a result of all the pent up emotions.

“I wanted to check in on you, because you have seemed… off, for lack of a better word, for the last few weeks. You have been avoiding me, and you have seemed distant and sad. I love you, but you need to tell me how you are feeling. I could profile you, but I can’t read your mind.”

Every second that passed was a monumental challenge for Aaron, and he was so, so tired of keeping secrets, of hiding how he felt. But he also knew if he told Spencer, he would blame himself, and it was no one’s fault but his, for being so unloveable.

“I’m fine. I’m sure you heard me the first time, so if that is all you have to say, you can go.”

“Aaron! I’m not leaving until you stop lying to me. I am not letting the best relationship I have ever had fall apart because we can’t talk to one another. I love you! Nothing will change that, so just tell me what is going on!”

It was weird for Hotch to see Spencer like this. He barely raised his voice in general, let alone at Aaron. Between that, and hearing him say that he loved him, he broke. He could no longer hold back all that he had been feeling.

“But do you love me, Spencer? You spend all this time telling me that it is true and that all my numerous flaws don’t bother you, but when push comes to shove, when you have to make a choice, you don’t really care for me. No one does.”

He regrets saying it as soon as the words leave his mouth. It was the wrong thing to say, without a doubt, and now Aaron has just ruined any chances of Spencer still wanting anything to do with him.

Spencer felt ashamed of himself. He claims to be a genius, and yet he missed what was right in front of him this whole time. Of course, given his past, everything that happened with Hankel, choosing Aaron to be killed would cause him problems. Suddenly the whole situation made so much more sense.

“Aaron, my love,” He began, “You know I love you. I love your flaws, your perfections, and every single thing that makes you the incredible person you are. Everything that happened with… him, all I was trying to do was get back to you safely. I didn’t pick you because I care about you less, instead, it was because I trust you so much. I knew you would get my message and save me.”

The two men wandered over to the couch, and Aaron lay on Spencer, turning his head to look him in the eyes.

“I’m so so sorry,” he softly cried, “I should be stronger than this. You are the one who was hurt, not me. I’m sorry I am so weak. I’ll try to change. I’ll be better. I’ll be perfect for you!”

Spencer slowly and soothingly talked to Aaron. “You don’t have to change or be stronger. You are the best man I know. You would do anything for me, for the team, for Jack. Anyone who tells you anything else is someone you should ignore.”

As they lay there on that couch, enjoying the soft silence and each other’s company, they internally reflected on all that had happened. If nothing else, this had just proven the strength of their relationship and allowed them to continue to grow.

(Also, Spencer thought, he really needs to get Garcia the greatest gift he can. Maybe a date with a certain blonde media liaison she was most definitely into? He should probably also let Hotch know that Garcia knows. He will probably not be too impressed by that.)

[kimberly-spirits13]

The Conference (Day 1, Pt 1)

Pairing: Damian Wayne x reader

Synopsis: You are the daughter of a famous politician and are attending his conference in New York. After hearing your concerns about not knowing almost anyone in the top 1% that your family was in to whom was your age, he and your mother decide that it is time to meet your father’s friend’s son, Damian Wayne. The only issue? He’s the most arrogant, rude, and maybe handsomest person that you’d ever heard of.

Notes: I’m going to do this story in parts. Does anyone know how the fan fic writers make those master lists???? Also, I just wanna say, I like to make stories and the Y/N thing smart because I hate seeing the Y/N x person where Y/N is either dumb, unambitious, or just average and doesn’t care about school or working for something. It just bothers me.

Warnings: None 

“Father must I attend this conference?” You asked looking out of the window of the large black GMC that your father was driving.

           “Yes, Y/N. You need to have some time off from your work. Plus, you always love these conferences every summer. What’s wrong with this one?” Your father replied looking at you some and then back on the road.

           You sighed, “The issue is that I’m 16, I have goals, ambitions, and drives that I want to achieve, but I would also not mind meeting people my age with the same mind set other than Brooklyn who aren’t some 40 year -old congressmen or businessmen who I could only use later in life to climb to the top.” You tapped your fingers on the leather of the car door interior sitting yourself up more, gazing at the New York skyline coming into view.

           “Y/N, sweetie that makes perfect sense. Your mother and I have talked about this, and we have decided that I should talk to one of my friends about you meeting his son who is your age.” He said, the smallest sign of delight on his face.

           “And who would that be?” You asked impatiently.

           “Well, my friend Bruce Wayne of course.” He answered.    

           “Oh wow, should’ve guessed.” You retorted sarcastically, “And which one of his children will I have the “absolute pleasure and honor” of putting up with?” You rolled your eyes mentally going over the list of reasons why this was a bad idea and why you would rather be home with your precious German Shepherd, Apollo and grey kitten, Pandora.

           “Be nice Y/N.” He scolded, “And you are meeting Damian. He is a perfectly respectable young man, and I’m sure that you will find that he is not what the media would make him out to be.” “Plus, you might find that the two of you are pretty alike, no matter how shocking that might be.”

           “Fine. I will try to be nice. And also, was that an insult?” You asked giving him some major side eye.

           “No, you two are alike in some ways. Whether that is a good thing or not, Bruce and I have yet to know.” He informed you, turning the music back up, probably to keep you from asking anymore questions and bursting his bubble of excitement.

           “Great,” You thought, “the last thing that I need is some rich boy who is apparently extremely handsome and possibly rude and obnoxious getting in my way.” You thought about what had happened the first and last time that you had dated someone, that certain boyfriend ended up cheating on you when you were in the hospital after having a serious breakdown of sorts. That is what led you to make a vow of some kind never to fall into another relationship, because for all that you knew, it would hold you back from your goals in life. Maybe it was irrational, maybe it was just you playing it safe, but for all that you knew, it was working so far, so why change the method?

           The car pulled up to the Plaza Hotel, paparazzi and media everywhere taking pictures of the car when you and your father arrived. See, your father was a famous politician and radio/ tv host. All your life, he had been a well -known person, but it only really blew up when you were 12. You moved into what would be considered a massive new house, maybe an hour outside of New York and suddenly, you were put into a new school, had new fake friends, and were surrounded by the top 1% of the elite. You had made a name for yourself as well. There was something about attending the events, meeting the most important names in the world, and slowly building your own empire that was the sweetest tasting thing in existence. It was terrifying but also, the rush of excitement and new comings that you had desired was welcomed with open arms. Well, at least it was like that for a little while. Now, after 4 years, while you were grateful, sometimes it felt like the hustle and bustle of what you had been shoved into was too much.

           The both of you walked into the hotel, bags in hand before retreating to the front desk to get your room keys as fast as possible. The lady at the front quickly checked the two of you in, seeing the swarm of people outside and recognizing you and your father. The two of you took the back, staff elevators to avoid any guests that could possibly be at the hotel for the conference that your father was holding this week for four nights. No one said a word in the elevator. The only noise was the faint sound of the machine operating and then the ding of the bell when you had come upon the 12th floor. You walked down the hallway behind your father who held the room key up to the scanner before another buzz and then a click could be heard as the door unlocked.

           You smiled upon entering the room. The suite had two bedrooms, the master to the right and the guest to the left. In between that was a foyer and then sitting room. To the left of the sitting room was the tv area and then office. To the right, the dining room and kitchen. There were balconies scattered about the hotel suite along with grand elegant windows overlooking Central Park and the bustling street below. New York was your favorite city. You planned on getting a sky rise penthouse there one day on the Upper East Side when you had the money and were out of college. Another bonus was that one of your best friends, Brooklyn, who was the daughter of a very famous fashion designer lived in New York so you could visit her here.

           “Father, who all is attending the opening dinner tonight?” You asked taking your phone out of your back pocket of your black jeans.

           “The sponsors and a few honored guests of the conference.” He replied, “Then, after that, a few of them are coming back to the hotel room, if you can just stay in your room that would be great.” “Uhh let’s see, a few representatives from Facebook, Instagram, Google, and then a few congressmen are coming. Matt Michael, Tom Dunkin, Brad Thomas, are the congressmen guests of honor at dinner and then Bruce and Damian will be in attendance.”

           “What time?” You asked recognizing the names, “I mean what time must we head downstairs and what time should I keep to my room?”

           “We need to walk down at 6:50 because the dinner starts at 7 and then everyone is coming up at 9 since the dinner should end at 8:30.” He answered.

           “Got it.” You said walking into your bedroom on the left side.

           It was 4:30 know so you figured that you could unpack and then get ready for the night. You flipped the light switch on in your bedroom and opened your suitcase to reveal a nicely organized bag with everything sectioned off in different parts of the bag.

           “If only it would look like this when we leave.” You chuckled to yourself unpacking your clothes and putting them into the dresser and closet.

           You chose what you would be wearing to the dinner that night, it was going to have to be a lovely dark blue dress that came just above your knees with an off the shoulder cut. It had a top half that kind of looked like a piece of armor, but this time with small diamonds on it. You chose black heels to go with the dress, and small diamond earrings to top everything off. After picking the outfit, you headed to the bathroom with your makeup case, shower things, curling iron, and hair drier. You turned on your favorite music and got into the shower quickly washing your hair and shaving your legs.

           After 15 minutes, you had gotten out of the shower and was in a robe that the hotel had left in the room for you in your closet. You started with your hair, and dried it. It took some time because of how long and thick it was, but after that, curling it was a breeze. You didn’t bother putting hairspray in it since you were just going to sleep in a braid that night and didn’t feel like washing the gunk out of your hair after the spray had set.

           After that you took out your makeup. This was your least favorite part, however, it had to be done. You got some primer on and then put on a small bit of foundation before powdering. After that, you put on some plush and mascara and sprayed your face with setting spray. It wasn’t much, however the idea of it wasn’t at all your favorite. Once that was done, you slipped on your dress and put on some perfume and your shoes. Your phone was fully charged, and when you left the bedroom, your father was waiting so that the both of you could go to the dinner.

           “So, have you met Damian before?” You asked as you and your father walked down the hall to the elevator.

           “I have a few times, all when I was meeting with Bruce for a meeting or other social event.” He replied, hitting the button on the elevator to take you guys to the floor with the ballroom.

           “Lovely.” You stated turning your iPhone on silence.

           The both of you walked down a hallway again and rounded the corner to where to sound of people talking and moving around could be heard. You guys were perfectly on time but a few people had come in a bit early. Your father entered the room first and was approached by a few of the men in there. You stood by him, smiling and only talking when you were spoken to which was pretty often considering the name that you had already made in the political and business fields that your father was also a part of. After maybe ten minutes or so of making your way through the crowd, you noted your father’s pace quicken like he saw someone that he knew. You followed him to where a tall man with jet black hair and blue eyes standing text to who you presume to be his son, with darker skin, the same black hair, and emerald green eyes.

           “He’s cute, cute but where’s the food?” You thought as you followed to them making slight eye contact with the boy. This had to be Damian and his father, Mr. Wayne. And for all you knew that this point, your father seemed pretty confident that you two would get along.

[altheterrible]

Hello there,

I'm writing today but just for myself but on behalf of all the impoverished healthcare professionals who are enrolled in HPRP. This is quite long, I'm afraid, and if you do get through to the end I'd really appreciate a response.

The financial stress caused by enrolling in HPRP is significant. Drug testing can top over $200 a month, and the associated lab fees add up as well--about $100 a month in my case. When the drug testing fees were withdrawn from my account last month, it caused an overdraft and I was hit with a $25 fee for every transaction that occurred between that happening and me getting around to reading my email finding out what had happened. That was another $200 fee, which I could not afford as I am currently not working as a pharmacist but rather as a part-time psychiatric technician and making $14 an hour. I also work for a Halloween store making $9/hour. 

My current monthly income is about $1100 after taxes. Of that, $500 goes to my sister for rent. So I have $600 for the month and bills to pay, including, now, the frankly outrageous fees for drug testing. Those take out about $300, leaving me with about $300 for food and bills. My share of the cellphone bill is $75, electric is about $40. Awesome, so I'm at $185 for food or emergency fund a month. My grocery bill is about $50 a week and whoop there it is. This doesn't even account for transportation costs, medical costs, pet care costs, and so much more.

I learned today the failure to pay the exorbitant fees for the drug testing constitutes non-compliance and can lead to closure of your case. My question to my intake worker was "well, how do you expect me to pay for it?" I want to be in this program and I'm fully committed to it, and I was hoping for real suggestions.

Nope.

These are the actual suggestions made by the HPRP program director on how I can manage to pay for my participation in HPRP:

A.. Get a second mortgage or refinance your house (I don't own my house)

B. Get another job (I currently have 3)

C. Ask for money from friends and family (they're all poor and I've BEEN asking them, they're tapped out)

D. Take out a loan (ha ha not with my credit score)

A small digression: I have been in poverty a long, long time. My whole life, actually. So I'm used to financial insecurity and all that entails. I have soul crushing student loans I can't pay, I'm being buried alive by credit card debt because the only way I could find to afford pharmacy school at times was credit cards. Oh, btw I did work during grad school, but I was bringing in maybe $200 a month? What is that when you're paying almost $1000 per credit hour.

I am used to poverty, and I am used to how people who have never experienced financial hardship view the poor. Especially healthcare professionals. They think we're lazy, ignorant, and poor because we spend all of our money on televisions and cellphones instead of spending responsibly. As someone who has been using Medicaid pretty much for the last 7 years, I am very familiar with how healthcare professionals disrespect the poor. Given that, I wasn't too surprised when I found out how HPRP assists enrollees struggling financially. Healthcare professionals hate the poor and they hate addicts and they especially hate healthcare professionals who were weaklings that gave in to addiction.

Accordingly, there is no help for impoverished enrollees. In fact, apparently y'all have decided that you're not going to consider finances at all when meting out treatment directives. Everyone is treated the same. This is such poor, irresponsible medical practice. Treatment needs to be equitable not equal--every enrollee has different needs based on their backgrounds. Their treatment needs and ultimate prognosis are highly, HIGHLY correlated to their financial background. Ignoring everyone's financial situation and just blindly handing out treatment requirements is so out of touch with current trends in addiction treatment that it's actually laughable.

I'll find a way to cover the cost somehow. Selling plasma is profitable, I've heard. Maybe a fourth job, as I do still have a few hours a day where I'm not working. Just, would it be so hard to let enrollees pay with a payment plan? Maybe something like AfterPay? The current situation is cruel and unfair, and above all, petty. 

As I stated earlier, I want to be in this program. The program director told me today while we were on the phone that participation in HPRP is voluntary and I could leave the program at any time. That's not true, though, as pretty as it sounds. Leaving the program has repercussions, even if the reason for leaving is financial crisis. It all boils down to noncompliance.

You would think that there would be measures in place that helped enrollees stay in the program if they want to be there. But no, we're just shown the door. For an organization that believes addiction is a disease, the punitive nature of some aspects of the program are undeniable. The treatment of poor enrollees exemplifies this.

Thanks so much for reading all of this. I hope to hear from you soon.

Alex

Altheterrible, PharmD

[rafe8bbanna]

Best Good Morning Quotes 1. “Good morning. Life is like a mirror: it will smile at you if you smile at it.”

2. “Every morning has a new beginning, a new blessing, a new hope. It’s a perfect day because it’s God’s gift. Have a blessed, hopeful perfect day to begin with.”

3. “Today will be a good day. So wake up and smile”

Good Morning Quotes 4. “Set a goal that make you want to jump out of bed in the morning.”

5. “I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes.”

6. “Life without a purpose is a languid, drifting thing; every day we ought to review our purpose, saying to ourselves, This day let me make a sound beginning. ” – Thomas Kempis

7. “Although time seems to fly, it never travels faster than one day at a time. Each day is a new opportunity to live your life to the fullest. In each waking day, you will find scores of blessing and opportunities for positive change. Do not let your today be stolen by the unchangeable past or the indefinite future! Today is new day! Good Morning!” – Steve Maraboli

8. “Good morning is not just a word. It’s an action and a belief to live the entire day well. Morning is the time when you set the tone for the rest of the day. Set it right. Have a nice day.”

9. “Life laughs at you when you are unhappy. Life smiles at you when you are happy. But, Life salutes you when you make others happy.” – Charlie Chaplin

10. “Something special awaits you each day. All you need is to recognize it and make the most of it. Have a positive attitude through out the day and then that today is going to the best day in your life. Good morning.”

11. “It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is. As long as we are together, it will always be a beautiful day. Good morning.”

12. “The world is beautiful outside when there is stability inside.”

Good Morning Quotes 13. “Your journey will be much lighter and easier if you don’t carry your past with you.”

14. “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” – Marcus Aurelius

15. “Waking up this morning, I smile. 24 brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

16. “Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.” – Lemony Snicket

17. “”Prayer is the key of the morning and the bolt of the evening.” – Mahatma Gandhi

18. “Not the day only, but all things have their morning.” – French Proverb

19. “An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day.” – Henry David Thoreau

20. “You cry and scream and you stomp your feet and you shout. You say: “You know what? I’m giving up, I don’t care!” And then you go to bed and you wake up and it’s a brand new day. And you pick yourself back up again.”

21. “Life is too short, she panicked, I want more. He nodded slowly, Wake up earlier.” – Dr. SunWolf

22. “”The sun has not caught me in bed in fifty years.” – Thomas Jefferson

Good Morning Quotes 23. “I like my coffee black and my mornings bright.” – Terri Guillemets

24. “I used to love night best but the older I get the more treasures and hope and joy I find in mornings”

25. “Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.” – William Feather

26. “You have to get up every morning and tell yourself I can do this.”

27. “Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with dreams or wake up and chase your dreams. The choice is yours!”

28. “Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth: “You owe me.”

29. “Lose an hour in the morning, and you will spend all day looking for it.” – Richard Whately

30. “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” – Meister Eckhart

Good Morning Quotes 31. “Now that your eyes are open, make the sun jealous with your burning passion to start the day. Make the sun jealous or stay in bed.” – Malak El Halabi

32. “The world is new to us every morning. This is God’s gift and every man should believe he is reborn each day.”

33. “In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

34. “Every morning was a cheerful invitation to make my life of equal simplicity, and I may say innocence, with Nature herself.” – Henry David Thoreau

35. “I get up every morning and it’s going to be a great day. You never know when it’s going to be over so I refuse to have a bad day.” – Paul Henderson

36. “Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you’ll start to see a big difference in your life.” – Yoko Ono

37. “Every morning is a beautiful morning.” – Terri Guillemets

38. “When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank God I am alive.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

39. “One key to success is to have lunch at the time of day most people have breakfast.” – Robert Brault

40. “Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.” – Ursula K. Le Guin

41. “Opportunities are like sunrises. If you wait too long, you miss them.” – William Arthur Ward

42. “There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.” – Bernard Williams

43. “I used to love night best but the older I get the more treasures and hope and joy I find in mornings.” – Terri Guillemets

44. “Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.” – William Blake

45. “Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

46. “I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, ‘Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.”

47. “Every morning, I wake up saying, I’m still alive, a miracle. And so I keep on pushing.” Jim Carrey

48. “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

Good Morning Quotes 49. “I love early mornings when I feel like a rest of the world is the fast asleep and you’re the only one who’s awake and everything feels like it isn’t really real and you kind of forget about all your problems because for now it’s just you, the world and the sunrise.”

50. “The sun is but a morning star.” – Henry David

51. “Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.” – Josh Billings

52. “It is in the early morning hour that the unseen is seen, and that the far-off beauty and glory, vanquishing all their vagueness, move down upon us till they stand clear as crystal close over against the soul.” – Sarah Smiley

53. “There are two ways to wake up in the morning. One is to say, ‘Good morning, God,’ and the other is to say, ‘Good God, morning!” – Fulton J. Sheen

54. “Every morning brings new potential, but if you dwell on the misfortunes of the day before, you tend to overlook tremendous opportunities.” – Harvey Mackay

55. “To simply wake up every morning a better person than when I went to bed.” – Sidney Poitier

56. “Don’t try to force your life to be perfect. Live your life and discover the perfectness in everyday . Don’t stress about how your life will turn out. Just take a breath and go along for the ride. Have a nice morning!”

57. “Once you accept someone for what they really are, they will really surprise you by being better than you ever expected. Good morning!”

58. “Night has gone and the moon, too. Sun is shinning and the sky is blue. Time to open your beautiful eyes; And accept my message to you!”

59. “Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don’t.”

60. “A morning is a wonderful blessing. It stands for hope, giving us another start of what we call Life.”

61. “Opportunities are like sunrises. If you wait too long, you miss them.”

Good Morning Quotes 62. “Your morning hugs are the key to a secret safe Where I store all my happy memories. Good morning”

63. “You have no idea how good it feels to wake up every morning knowing you are mine And I am yours. Good morning!”

64. “Every morning with you leaves me jumping for joy instead of the tedious of the mornings before you life is now filled with love and energy.”

65. “Every day I feel is a blessing from God. And I consider it a new beginning. Yeah, everything is beautiful.” – Prince

66. “Everyone has highs and lows that they have to learn from, but every morning I start off with a good head on my shoulders, saying to myself, ‘It’s going to be a good day!”. – Lindsay Lohan

67. “The sun is new each day.” – Heraclitus

Good Morning Quotes 68. “I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.” – J. B. Priestley

69. “Thank God every morning when you get up that you have something to do that day, which must be done, whether you like it or not.” – James Russell Lowell

70. “Be pleasant until ten o’clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself.” – Elbert Hubbard

71. “Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness of the woods before sunrise.” – George Washington Carver

72. “God���s mercy is fresh and new every morning.” – Joyce Meyer

73. “I’m always thinking about creating. My future starts when I wake up every morning. Every day I find something creative to do with my life.” – Miles Davis

74. “A good idea will keep you awake during the morning, but a great idea will keep you awake during the night.” – Marilyn vos Savant

75. “Do I get up every morning and ask: am I doing the things that I believe in and am I doing them for the best possible motives? Yes. Unambiguously yes.” – Nick Clegg

76. “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” – Benjamin Franklin

77. “Good morning is a contradiction of terms.” – Jim Davis

78. “It ain’t as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.” – Colin Powell

79. “It is a matter of shame that in the morning the birds should be awake earlier than you.” – Abu Bakr

80. “I love the smell of juice boxes in the morning.” – Robert Duvall

Good Morning Quotes 81. “Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

82. “If you’re changing the world, you’re working on important things. You’re excited to get up in the morning.” – Larry Page

83. “I never knew a man come to greatness or eminence who lay abed late in the morning.” – Jonathan Swift

84. “First thing every morning before you arise say out loud, ‘I believe,’ three times.” – Ovid

85. “If you’re bored with life – you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” – Lou Holtz

86. “I’m a very early riser, and I don’t like to miss that beautiful early morning light.” – David Hockney

87. “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” – Larry King

88. “The most efficient way to live reasonably is every morning to make a plan of one’s day and every night to examine the results obtained.” – Alexis Carrel

89. “I never really look for anything. What God throws my way comes. I wake up in the morning and whichever way God turns my feet, I go.” – Pearl Bailey

90. “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ – Steven Wright

91. “I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning and there I am just laughing my head off.” – Bruce Willis

92. “Each morning when I awake, I experience again a supreme pleasure – that of being Salvador Dali.” – Salvador Dali

93. “When I wake up in the morning, I feel like a billionaire without paying taxes.” – Ernie Banks

94. “If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.” – Elon Musk

95. “I wake up every morning and I surprise myself. I wake up to a new me.” – Gina Carano

96. “What is love? It is the morning and the evening star.” – Sinclair Lewis

Good Morning Quotes

97. “You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning.” – Billy Wilder

98. “Every morning, my dad would have me looking in the mirror and repeat: “Today is going to be a great day; I can, and I will.” – Gina Rodriguez

99. “Life is beautiful, what do you think? In the morning I say, ‘Ah, I am alive still!’ All my friends die already. I am alive. It is fantastic. – Alejandro Jodorowsky

100. “You wake up in the morning and you look at your old spoon, and you say to yourself, ‘Mick, it’s time to get yourself a new spoon.’ And you do. – Mick Jagger

101. “You’ve got to get up every morning with determination if you’re going to go to bed with satisfaction.” – George Horace Lorimer

102. “I get up at sunrise. I’m a Buddhist, so I chant in the morning. My wife and I sit and have coffee together, but then it’s list-making time. I have carpentry projects. We have roads we keep in repair. It’s not back-breaking, but it’s certainly aerobic and mildly strenuous.” – Patrick Duffy

103. “In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.” – Carl Sandburg

104. “I like to work in the morning. I like to sometimes go to a place where I’m all alone where I’m not going to get a phone call early that hurts my feelings, because once my feelings are hurt, I’m dead in the water.” – Francis Ford Coppola

105. “Greet every morning with open arms and say thanks every night with a full heart. Each day is a precious gift to be savored and used, not left unopened and hoarded for a future that may never come.” – Regina Brett

106. “When my parents were getting divorced, I just said to myself, ‘Go to sleep, and tomorrow you can go skiing.’ I cried myself to sleep, and in the morning I was up on the mountain, and I was good.” – Lindsey Vonn

107. “I learned to love myself, because I sleep with myself every night and I wake up with myself every morning, and if I don’t like myself, there’s no reason to even live the life.” – Gabourey Sidibe

108. “I write in the morning, I walk in the afternoon and I read in the evening. It’s a very easy, lovely life.” – Margaret Forster

109. “Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief.” – Franz Schubert

110. “People often say to me, ‘I don’t know anything about dance.’ I say, ‘Stop. You got up this morning, and you’re walking. You are an expert.’ – Twyla Tharp

111. “You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you’re excited for the day? That’s one of my main goals in life.” – Kirsten Dunst

112. “My principal motivation is supporting my family, which is not a bad reason for getting up in the morning. That’s always been my motivation – to take care of the people who rely on me.” – Tony Parsons

113. “I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, ‘I don’t know, should I have a popsicle or a donut?’ You know, who knows?” – Oscar Nunez

114. “I couldn’t be luckier to wake up every morning and be so excited to get to work, even if it’s five in the morning.” – Carly Chaikin

115. “It is always with excitement that I wake up in the morning wondering what my intuition will toss up to me, like gifts from the sea. I work with it and rely on it. It’s my partner.” – Jonas Salk

116. “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.” – E. B. White

117. “Get up tomorrow early in the morning, and earlier than you did today, and do the best that you can.” – Joan of Arc

118. “My dad used to wake me up at 5:30 in the morning and hit me ground balls and tell me, ‘Don’t be afraid to excel. Don’t be afraid to be great.’ – Russell Wilson

119. “Some people dream of success, while other people get up every morning and make it happen.” – Wayne Huizenga

Good Morning Quotes 120. “My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.” – Cary Grant

121. “I just enjoy life now. I just enjoy every morning I get to wake up.” – Nas

122. “I wake up in the morning and my heart is light, man. It’s not heavy. I don’t have skeletons in the closet on their way out.” – Drake

123. “Every morning I wake up and thank God.” – Aaron Neville

124. “I am so blessed. I’ve been way over-blessed. At 64 years old, I look forward to going to bed every night so I can wake up in the morning and see what blessing is going to come my way that day. Because you never, ever know what God’s got in store for you.” – Paula Deen

100 Best Good Morning Quotes

125. “Every morning when I get up, I ask God what he wants me to do, ask him to lead me to the right people to help them.” – Richard Simmons

[pleasuringmyprincess]

Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October.  Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed. 

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed. 

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it.  But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters. 

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted. 

[relationshipsandpolitics]

How Much Money is Actually Too Much?

I sometimes think going after billionaires is too easy.  They are too easy to skewer.  Their wealth is so incredibly obscene that it’s almost too easy an argument to make that they need to be taxed more, like way more.  When I read tweets about how Jeff Bezos makes nearly $4.5 million an hour, it’s too easy to throw my hands in the air in disgust.  

And I often wonder if that’s the exact point.   Because so often this narrative of “tax the billionaires” is put forth most vociferously by people and organizations that have a strong interest in keeping the spotlight focused on the billionaires and not, say, the millionaires.

We don’t talk too much about them.  The ones that merely have $100 million in the bank, or even $10 million sitting in a nice hedge fund account.  Because the millionaires are more among us, I suppose.  They are on our televisions.  They seem nice and friendly.  They are the heads of our moderate-sized companies, the men (yes, its always white fifty-year old men) who say hi to us in the hall or buy us all breakfast to say thanks for putting in all those extra hours.  The millionaire seems a bit more real.  Perhaps this is by design, so we don’t take their money, too.

Elizabeth Warren proposed a wealth tax of 2% on wealth above $50 million and an extra 1% on wealth above a billion.  This is a good idea.  But where did $50 million come from?  Is $50 million that policy-wonk cutoff of obscene wealth.  If so, it’s certainly better than $1 billion.  But is even that threshold too high.  We probably would all agree that having a million dollars in the bank makes you rich but not obscenely rich.  But $10 million? That’s a separate discussion.  Sure, buying a yacht is a moral crime.  But why is that not ok but buying a $1,500 Prada handbag perfectly fine?

It’s weird how we look at displays of wealth and assign judgement on certain spending and not others.  Because honestly, it’s tough to justify buying the latest BMW when people can’t afford insulin. But we all do it without much thought, and then shake our fists because other people buy private jets. I’m guilty of this.  I just shamed BMW owners, but I have a nice phone that I probably don’t really need. I can be better.  We all can, but when it comes to a reasonable policy, how do we define who is rich?

The current U.S. government tax brackets lump anyone making $510,301 or more into the same category. These people pay 37% of their income above $510,301 to the federal government.   Some people might look at this and scoff at the idea that someone earning tens of millions a year pays the same rate as someone earning only $510,301.  I take a different view.

I see it as the government determining that, while there may be a vast difference between $500,000 and $1 billion, the lifestyle of the billionaire is not substantially different than the lifestyle of the millionaire.   Both have all their basic needs met and then some.  The millionaire likely knows a lot of the same people as the billionaire and probably exerts political influence in the same realm as the billionaire.  If the millionaire wants something completely frivolous, they can afford it, just like the billionaire.   The billionaire could buy a library for Harvard, and the millionaire cannot.  But both can afford to send their kids there, and both attend the same alumni functions.  They go to the same parties, donate to the same politicians, and eat at the same overpriced Vegan fusion restaurants.  There’s a reason you read about celebrities dating tech CEOs or Hedge Fund managers. Because they operate in the same circles.

The government seems to get this better than us.  But what does that mean in terms of policy?   Should a doctor who works crazy hours but makes $500,00 a year get taxed the same as a famous actor who gets the same for a week’s work?  Do we just look at everyone’s bank accounts at the end of the year and take a cut out of any account over $1 million?

No, I think the answer is more nuanced that that.  It’s a moral failing when certain people can make in one day what a teacher takes a year to earn.  But this is a problem I doubt can be solved.  Capitalism is what it is.  We’re never going to be able to pay a teacher or a home health aide as much as a movie star or tech CEO makes because the teacher and health aid do not directly generate revenue like the movie star or CEO does.  I think it’s disgusting that an actor can earn $50,000 a day in signing autographs, but they make that because people are willing to pay them to do so.  Your average person might see the social value in a teacher, but they aren’t ever going to line up to pay them $60 a pop.  

However, it is both a moral and economic failing when a person can work 40 hours a week and not be able to pay for food, rent and health care.  I think that’s solvable.  I do not believe we can provide free health care, affordable housing, and free education just by taxing the billionaires.  I don’t think we get there by expanding that to those with $50 million in the bank, either.   The buy-in to truly provide a necessary standard of living for every person must come from those thus far not considered “part of the problem.”  

If every person in this country could afford a clean and safe place to live, then I couldn’t care less how much money Jeff Bezos had.  If health care was a right and no one died because they couldn’t afford to see a doctor, then Robert Downey Jr should be able to make $100 million for a three-second cameo in Marvel’s Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man spinoff.  If anyone could pursue a college degree without concern for the cost, then I would fully support the Vice President of some consulting firm going to the club and expensing the bottle service and blow to the corporate card.

But to make those things a reality, we need to re-frame the question surrounding money.  We can’t just look at the billionaires as the problem, because then we’ll just be disappointed when taxing them doesn’t get us the things we need.  It’s great when Bill Gates comes around and asks to be taxed more.  But maybe your kid’s pediatrician needs to say that too. Maybe Ross from Friends should speak up about needing to pay more in taxes on the $20 million he earns each year just in residuals, both because its morally suspect to make that much money for not working, and because Ross was the absolute worst!

We chant “Tax the Rich!” in the streets and it sounds good.  But we do an awful job of defining “the rich.”  We need to significantly expand the definition to include those previous thought to be “one of us.”   For they are part of the problem, as good-intentioned as they may be.  And so am I.  I’m not rich in the slightest, but I do well enough to blow money on frivolous purchases here or there.  I’m not spending $1,500 on a handbag, but I’m sure I’ve dropped $100 on things I absolutely didn’t need.  I need to be taxed more, too.  And I’m willing if it’s to get my fellow citizen health care.  But I understand it’s a big lift to ask of people in my situation. They might have kids and expenses that make our lifestyles vastly different.   But we can agree on the top tax bracket.  Soak ‘em.

[dean-bluesteel-winchester-spnfam]

Every question.

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?Ohhh yes ;)

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?Nope. I never saw Cassie again since I saved her more than ten years ago. Lisa doesn’t even remember me. And Robin? Nope I visit her once at the restaurant she works at but that was also a long time ago.And I mean... why would I?

3. Have you taken someones virginity?Yeah I did.

4. Is trust a big issue for you?Actually yeah. I mean I got myself a family that I trust but it was always hard for me to start trusting someone. Now when I do trust someone, then it isn’t an issue anymore.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?‘Hang out’ heh? That’s how the kids call it today? But really, of course I do. Woke up next to him a few hours ago.

6. What are you excited for?Don’t tell anyone. Maybe christmas. Definitively for my wedding.

7. What happened tonight?Hmm. I made dinner, we watched a movie. Cas was telling me about some new facts about bees. I tried to teach him pool. He disctracted me. We went to bed ;)

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?What even is this question? Get wasted if you wanrt. Just be safe.

9. Is confidence cute?I think so.

10. What is the last beverage you had?Whiskey.

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?Eh let’s see. Mom, Jody, Donna, Ellen, Jo, Charlie, Claire, Alex. So eight.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?Ugh. Yeah. But I never wore them. Dunno. Probably look stupid.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?Trying to teach Cas pool again. Or maybe watch a movie and just enjoy a nice day without almost dying.

14. What are you going to spend money on next?Hmmm good question. Probably pie. But I’m also eying some classes I’d love to take. So maybe.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?Oh hell yes.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?People always change a bit. I think maybe it’s little things. I do hope to get happier. Without having to worry all the time.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?@anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam

18. The last time you felt broken?When Jake killed Mom and Cas walked away from me.

19. Have you had sex today?Not yet. Wish me luck.

20. Are you starting to realize anything?What should I realize?

21. Are you in a good mood?Yeah.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?Honestly? I think it’d be kinda badass. But I can already hear Cas and Sammy scolding me.

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?Nope. I have no idea why my eyes turned out to be so green.

24. What do you want right this second?Cas.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?I hate this question. If he would kiss somebody else and *wants* to be with them, I’d let him go. No matter how that would hurt.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?Yes it is.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?I don’t think so. I mean laughing is so important and Cas makes me laugh all the time (not always on purpose).

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?Cas asking Sam why his hair looks like that.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?Sure do. Mostly my mom. But I also miss Cas and Sammy when they are away.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?Yes.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?No. He’s my brother.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?Yeah. I mean he didn’t for a long time, but I was brave and finally told him.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?Yeah kinda. Like really rare that I order soda.

34. Listening to?Led Zeppelin.

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?Sometimes.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?Yeah I can hear the shower and you know what? He sings sometimes in there.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?Ask me ten years ago, I’d say no. But when Cas came into that old barn? All powerful and hot? Maybe I got hard. But really the love came after I really got to know him.

38. Who did you last call?Charles. Invited her over.

39. Who was the last person you danced with?Cas. I just dunno grabbed him and spun him around in the bunker. I think he was kinda surprised but it was nice.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?Because I wanted the pie he baked. No, because I love him of course. Wished him a goodnight like that.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?Donna gave me some a few weeks ago. So good, but not pie.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?No... they are both dead.

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?When do I not? Just yesterday I slipped in the shower and Castiel saw it while he brushed his teeth. A+

44. Do you tan in the nude?I try to tan, but it never works. I get only more freckles.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?No.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?Yeah. Cas always talk to me to sleep, so I can shut my brain off.

47. Who was the last person to call you?Cas or Sammy.

48. Do you sing in the shower?....No?

49. Do you dance in the car?Hell yes.

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?Yeah quite a lot actually. Comes in handy while hunting.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?Oh... never actually. Or does the mugshot count?

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?Yeah. But I like them anyway.

53. Is Christmas stressful?I have no idea? I just sounds nice.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?No.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?Everyone thinks it’s apple. And while I kill for apple pie, cherry is even better.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?After that with Mom, I wanted to be a firefighter. Also loved to be a mechanic or... have a bakery.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?Ha. yes.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?Yeah and I hate it.

59. Take a vitamin daily?No?

60. Wear slippers?Yeah.

61. Wear a bath robe?Also yes.

62. What do you wear to bed?If Cas fucks the lights out of me, nothing. Otherwise he got us soft pajames, because apprently it’s not good for me to sleep in jeans.

63. First concert?Small town band I forgot the name of. I sneaked out when Dad was sleeping and got wasted. I can still hear him screaming at me next morning, cause he thought a monster got me.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?I don’t care.

65. Nike or Adidas?Neither?

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?Cheetos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?What? I don’t have a... okay it’s ‘Shake it off.’

69. Ever take dance lessons?No - but when I was young I wanted to... I just.. well maybe I should take some before the wedding, right?

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?Oh. Not really, I’m just happy if they are happy as well.

71. Can you curl your tongue?Yes.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?No.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?Yes.

74. What is your favorite book?Sherlock Holmes.

75. Do you study better with or without music?With.

76. Regularly burn incense?No.

77. Ever been in love?Still am.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?Led Zeppelin. AC/DC. Elvis...

79. What was the last concert you saw?Can’t remember their name.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?Hot.

81. Tea or coffee?Coffee.

82. Favorite type of cookie?Chocolate.

83. Can you swim well?Yes.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?Eh yeah.

85. Are you patient?Not really. Which is not a good thing.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?Band.87. Ever won a contest?Yeah once I won an eating contest.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?Nope.

89. Which are better black or green olives?Ew. None.

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?Everyone can do what they like. I wish I hadn’t waited for marriage but maybe for the right person.

91. Best room for a fireplace?Living room. Or my Dean cave.

92. Do you want to get married?Yes.

[jiminshoney]

Where You Belong (Part 3)

Word Count: 10,773

Warnings: language, cheating, brief mentions of black mirror’s black museum episode (spoiler ig if you haven't seen it?), a cliffhanger, and angst but you knew that

[ tumblrs a jack*ss and links are broken, pls check my blog to catch up on the first three parts ]

Your body betrays you by waking you up agonizingly early, before your alarm has rung and before the sun has even had a chance to rise. The glaring numbers on your phone reveal that it’s barely 5 AM. You groan into the cushions beneath you, frustrated because you have to be at work in three hours and you were just robbed of a potentially meaningful last hour of sleep.

Opening a single eye to look back at the device’s bright screen, you can’t ignore the top notifications which continue to blink and beg for your attention. 15 missed calls and a somewhat impressive 28 unread texts all from Jungkook. It’s more than he sent in the month alone.

Your first thought is to ignore them, you want to ignore him, it’s too early to even think about processing what he has to say or replaying last night’s events. A sharp pain spreads through your chest, stretching until it meets your rib cage where there lies an almost forgotten void. There’s always those few seconds the morning after something terrible has happened, a moment of ignorant bliss, until your mind and heart remember and everything hurts again. The ache reminds you why last night went the way it did.

You don’t know that you can handle whatever he has to say, though you are curious...

Curious if someone who’s still in love and terrified of losing their girlfriend sends 28 texts and calls 15 times. Is that what it meant? Was he scared, desperate, remorseful? Or did he only offer a pathetic apology in twenty-something streams of the word sorry?

Driven by curiosity, you press a thumb to unlock your phone and open all the unread messages from last night.

From: jungkook♥ [5:19 PM]

Y/N

Can we please talk about this?

can you jus t come back please??

From: jungkook♥ [5:21 PM]

hello?

Y/N please answer

From: jungkook♥ [5:22 PM]

please pplease please

From: jungkook♥ [5:27 PM]

Where did you go

????

Im outside just tell me where you are

From: jungkook♥ [5:30 PM]

If not can tou answer?

Please answer the phone

From: jungkook♥ [5:32 PM]

fuck

Hello? Where did you go

Tell me where you are

From: jungkook♥ [5:33 PM]

Its fine if you decide to hate me for the rest of your life btu let me talk to yo about this first

Just give me a chance to explain everything

I mean there is no excuse but i wanna talk about this

From: jungkook♥ [5:35 PM]

pick up!!

From: jungkook♥ [5:37 PM]

I am begging you rn justsay something

Im outside, Please?

From: jungkook♥ [5:40 PM]

If its too soon i get it just  let me see you for a second

If its too soon just tell me

but atleast tell m where you are?

From: jungkook♥ [5:45 PM]

Do you want the apartment? I’ll leave nd get a hotel

From: jungkook♥ [5:50 PM]

???

ffs just let me know you’re safe ok?

Please thats it

From: jungkook♥ [9:36 PM]

I love you y/n. Whenever you see this, you don’t have to call me back jus let me know that you’re somewhere safe alright?

  “You love me? Right.” After a click of your tongue you chuck the phone back onto the table. Out of sight, out of mind, you think with a throw of the blanket over your head.

His messages didn’t offer any relief, all they’ve done is overwhelm and mildly irritate you because he acts as if you at least owe him the status of your location and quite frankly- you don’t owe him shit.

How dare he act worried about you and have the nerve to type out that disingenuous four-letter word like- I know you just found out my coworker sucked my dick but goodnight, love you. The audacity! Why should you have to tell him where you ran off to when he cheated on you and hid it for a week? Oh so well, as one may add, because there hadn’t been a sliver of suspicion. Had Taehyung not even been a factor, would he have ever told you? It’s unlikely and no one will ever know. It’s possible that he may have after much much time had passed, so maybe you’ll possibly tell him that you are in the safe confines of someone-who-actually-loves-you’s home… after much much time, of course.

All of this quickly reminds you that you don’t have any of your things. Your hygiene products, clean work clothes, fresh underwear, makeup, etc. You didn’t even have your purse after abruptly leaving your apartment.

A frustrated groan escapes you because now you must figure out how you’ll properly get ready for work the way you normally do. The last thing you wanted was to go back and run into Jungkook. Some days he left bright and early at 5:30 AM and you can take your chances and hope it’s one of those mornings, but it could just as likely be a day he’s decided to sleep in until 8. His app is finished so he shouldn’t have any standing reason to go in early, if not for the fact that he missed nearly a week of work, so he may. The odds were 50/50, it’s better to not risk it.

There’s also the option to call out of work, to stay in and sulk until an hour that he absolutely couldn’t be home, pack all your things and run away to a small town where nobody knows you until things get better. While tempting, you’re realistic and know that you cannot just uproot your life because you’re sad. The mere thought of having to go out and put on a brave face in front of the world today while you felt broken inside was tiring in itself, but sulking seemed exhausting. It wouldn’t make you feel any better, so you might as well go on like it’s any other work day. You could just shower here, pull your hair in a bun, stop at a Target for clothes and other necessities on the way and everything would be fine. At least you’d be able to busy your mind with something other than the fact the love of your life shit on a three year relationship for another woman no less.

-----

Around 9 AM, your work phone rings loudly against the desk. It sends your heart racing into a frenzy because the only person who ever called was your boss, and she only called for impromptu staff meetings or more specifically- to fire someone.

“Y/N~” To your surprise, the lobby receptionist’s voice sings at your pickup.

“Hyerin, good morning!” You smile, thankful that you aren’t losing your job too.

“You have a guest down here waiting for you.”

“What..?”

Your poor heart doesn’t get a chance to relax, there was only person who came to visit you at work. A person who shouldn't be visiting you right now.

“Mhmm! He brought you coffee~!”

“He?” Your jaw clenches, there could be no way. Jungkook could not be ridiculous enough to show up to your job first thing in the morning. He specifically said he understood if it was too soon for you! Why is he doing this?  “I-- tell him I’m not in today!”

“He would know I’m lying!” Her hushed voice scratches against the receiver, tickling your eardrums uncomfortably.

“Then tell him I’m busy.”

“But he’s being so patient,” She says, her once melodious voice becoming sympathetic. “Shall I have him wait a few minutes?”

“Just tell him I don’t wanna see him, okay?”

“Oh but Y/N! I said he brought you coffee! Don’t be impolite and just come down, okay?”

Her end briefly goes silent before the endless dial tone beeps to indicate she’s hung up before you could utter another excuse. You mentally curse her because her greatest quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth, but her worst quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth and can’t tell unwanted guests to go away. In her defense, she doesn’t know that your boyfriend has been unloyal and you have a very valid reason for not wanting to see him.

On the way downstairs you are fully prepared to pour coffee over Jungkook’s head and curse him out for showing up to your place of work uninvited under the current circumstances. It’s disrespectful and he’s crossing a line by being here, you couldn’t wait to send him on his way. He couldn’t force you to talk if you didn’t want to. Though, that reaction would surely cause a scene. You will instead kindly let him know he’s being unprofessional and ask him to leave.

You practice the words again and again, it’s a must in order to not break the moment you face him. After all, the last time you saw him you were a bawling mess with mascara smearing on your fingertips and telling him you hated him while feeling like you might pass out. You couldn’t be the weak one this time.

Walking down the hall from the elevator your heart is still racing but you feel a sense of confidence even if it’s mild and fake, you’re just ready to get it over with. He’s leaning up against the front desk, distracted in a conversation with Hyerin as you approach. Heart thumping, the back of his head becomes clearer, strands of ash brown hair…

Your feet freeze against the marble flooring, “Taehyung?”

He swiftly turns at the sound of your voice, shoulders visibly relaxing when his eyes land on you. “Hey!” He pauses to turn, grabbing two concealed drinks off the edge of the reception desk, and closing the gap as he walks to you. “You left without saying anything.”

You should feel relieved but your mind and body hadn’t aligned, heart still shaken up over thinking he would be someone else. “Y-yea… I’m sorry. I left you a note, it was really early.”

“Oh! My fault, I didn’t see it. I came to make sure you’re okay.” He quirks a brow, letting you know his statement is indeed a question.

Not well given everything that’s happened, but that’s obvious. It wasn’t lunch time yet so it was possible in a few hours you’d be ready to slam your head into a wall but you’ve survived so far.

“I’m fine, Tae.”

His lips fall to an exaggerated frown, he is unconvinced and unimpressed by your attempt to not even sound dry. “How are you really, Y/N?”

You sigh, he would not be Taehyung if he didn’t at least try to get more from you. “Well… I’ve already cried once at my cubicle, I’m wearing $3 concealer that does nothing for the bags under my eyes, I have a minor headache and I just nearly had a heart attack because I thought you were Jungkook but other than that I’m okay, really.”

“You cried?”

You open your mouth to speak but get caught on an answer. Maybe you shouldn’t have slipped that part out not only because it’s embarrassing but now he’d just worry more than you knew he was. But it’s too late and the confession was made.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

A month or so after Jungkook you’d also gotten a job, specifically the one you had now. Like Jungkook it wasn’t at all what you wanted to do. The first few weeks after graduating were hard, all of the places you really wanted to work just weren’t calling back or would immediately send the dreaded thanks but no thanks email. Your mom had forced you to stop being so nit picky and apply wherever you could, passively sending you links to job openings she would spot online herself. Eventually you scored a job in the corporate world- lucky enough to make a decent amount of money, get home early, and not work weekends. Not so fortunately, you were stuck in some boring entry-level position in a finance department. It was the last thing on earth you wanted to be doing but you’d felt obligated to take it because up until that point your parents were helping with rent and other money related responsibilities.

The only person who really knew how you felt back then was Jungkook. At first you claimed it was different, like you’d said to him then, at least he was doing something related to his dream career. But no, really, he got it. He understood the fear you had of not being able to move away from this, the weight of life’s responsibilities, the overwhelming desire to just do what the hell you were passionate about, he knew it all too well.

On your first day of work he printed one of the hundred-something selfies you two had taken on graduation day and bought a frame for you to prop on your desk. He’d told you not to peak and to assemble it once you got to work, obviously you didn’t and couldn’t resist temptation, and the surprise was a short note he wrote on the back.

Baby, Congrats !!!

I know you’re not excited but I will be excited for you because I’m really proud of you still. You always remind me that bad days are temporary when I complain about work, ha ha, I want to remind you that too. I know nothing is perfect right now, a lot of things suck, but you still have me. I look forward to the future because I still have you. We may not have our dream jobs but we have each other so hopefully we can live our dream life soon. Just hang in there!

I love you more than anything  - Jungkook

You couldn’t stop grinning the first time you’d read it. It was hard to find the words to say to him, hard to express your gratitude and how thankful you were you had him, you could only text him and say I love you so very much and that was enough for him.

Seeing that photo of your younger selves first thing in the morning was aggravating to say the least. You’d immediately slammed the frame down, picking at the back to take the pieces apart, intentions to tear the picture in half. But when you yanked it free from the slot and blue ink came to vision, you paused and read what he’d written less than a year ago. Tears were brimming before you realized. You didn’t have the guts to rip up the picture then, instead you shoved it in one of your drawers to be forgotten until you stumble upon it another day.

Taehyung looks at you worriedly, and it’s the same look he gave you yesterday before he turned your world upside down. A look you can now identify as the I-have-bad-news look.

“I saw Jungkook on my way here.”

“Okay?”

“He asked me if I’d heard from you.”

“Oh God... Taehyung please don’t tell me you told him I spent the night at your place.”

“I told him.”

“Why!? Why would you do that!?”

Hyerin’s only a few feet behind him, so as her head turns and her prying gaze briefly catches your eyes you glance around the two of you quickly, checking that no one else heard your brief outburst.

“I- I didn’t realize- I don’t know? I’m sorry?”

Taking a deep breath in you close your eyes to calm yourself. You don’t mean to yell at him, he hasn’t done anything wrong or gone against verbalized wishes. You know this. You’re just on edge, emotional, and you didn’t want Jungkook to know where you were.

“Is it because it’s me? You didn’t want him to know you were with me?” He asks.

“What? Taehyung, oh my God, no! It’s not about you.” You try not to raise your voice anymore, though you were sure you were probably scowling at him, annoyed with his assumptions.

“Forget I asked.” He’s good at keeping his voice level, manages to not react after you, but you can tell he’s just as annoyed with you when a muscle tenses in his jaw. “Which one do you want?”

He raises the two drinks in his hands, one’s holding a clear plastic cup with dark liquid chilled over ice, and in the other he has a large paper cup, presumably the same dark liquid but hot. It’s a harsh reminder that you’re being snappy with the wrong person. No matter how irritable you were, he didn’t deserve the back end of it. All he did was give to you, even now when you keep being rude to him.

“Tae, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just got upset because… I’m not ready to talk to Jungkook and I don’t want him knowing where I am.”

“If you’re worried he’s gonna pop up on you, I don’t think it’s like that. He seemed really worried and I think he wanted to know you’re safe.”

Yeah, you think, that’s exactly what he said.

You finally take the hot coffee from his hand, finding a way to divert the conversation away from Jungkook.

“Thank you for this.”

“Of course. I have to leave soon. I’m shooting this guy for his acting portfolio. Then my friend is working a fashion shoot afterwards and invited me to help so I’m not sure when I’ll be done. I wanted to give you this.” With his free hand he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a shiny gold key. “Just got it copied.”

He smiles widely, giggling as you hesitantly take the key into your own hand. You don’t know why he’s gushing about this but it has butterflies floating in your stomach.

“Is this to your apartment?”

“Where else? I mean- this isn’t me asking you to be my roommate but... I wanted you to have somewhere to go even if I’m not home.”

“Tae! You didn’t need to go copy a whole key I- I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

-----

Taehyung’s apartment is empty when you get there after work, and while it’s not surprising because he did say he had work you still feel disappointed. Leaving work you were eager to get some alone time, but not like this.

All your coworkers actually showed up today, and being that it was the day after New Year’s, everyone wanted to talk about how great their New Year went. The universe was making a mock out of you, you were sure of it. A few of the girls priorly knew about your plans with Jungkook and had hopeful heart eyes as they asked about the cruise, and while the actual night was fine, yesterday was not something you even wanted to think about.

You’d always find a way out, excusing yourself to go make copies or apologizing because “I really need to finish writing this report.” Your sweet coworkers, they understood. Saying, “Right, I need to respond to a few emails” before running back to their own cubicles and leaving you alone. That is until a new question popped in their mind that’d have them strolling back over.

You were the only woman in your office with a standing long-term relationship, they all loved to live vicariously through you while struggling with their own love lives. You knew you’d break their hearts when you’d finally have to tell them the truth. At least for today, you omitted that bit of the story. Not only for their sake, but also for yours. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

You’re not sure yet what it says about you to be someone who got cheated on. Will people wonder what you did to push him that far? Will they pity you? Will they figure you must be a bad girlfriend and did something wrong?

Did you do something wrong?

Making your way to the kitchen you decide to scavenge Taehyung’s fridge for something to eat. Your stomach started grumbling a few hours ago after you made the silly choice of skipping lunch. Looking back, you’re not sure why you did because the persistent headache you’ve had since morning is likely due to the fact that you haven’t ate anything. Unfortunately for you and your pain his fridge is empty of anything edible, only stocked with a carton of milk, a pack of bottled water and a single bottle of wine.

“How do men survive like this?” You mutter, deciding to at least continue to hydrate your organs if you couldn’t feed them. You slump onto a chair at his small dining table thinking, Jungkook’s fridge would also look like that if it weren’t for me.

Across from you, his shiny macbook seems to wave hello, and beyond that you notice his camera bag is on the chair. If his camera is here then he can’t be at a photo shoot right now. Unless his friend told him not to bring it, then again why would you tell a photographer not to bring their camera? It’s possible he’s already been home, but you haven’t a clue where he’d be now.

The laptop shimmers in the light, begging for your attention once more, quietly reminding you about the interesting contents it holds.

“I know.” You grumble aloud. More to yourself because you are aware it’s an inanimate object that can’t actually communicate and it’s your own conscious taunting you. Yes, the pictures, I know.

The tempting voice asks if you’re even a little bit curious, if there’s a small part of you that wants to know what Taehyung saw in Jungkook that night? How he knew it before you, how he knows when he doesn’t even really know. It’s in the pictures like he’d said, and you could easily pass your fingertips over the smooth surface, you could open the lid, you could see for yourself.

But wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy? Snooping through his laptop while he’s not even here just to see the way Jungkook interacts with some girl feels selfish and wrong. He probably has a lock on there anyway.

Oh but dear, the laptop says, he wanted you to see them after all! You could look through his camera, they might still be there. Taehyung wouldn’t mind at all! You should check!

It’s tempting, you think back, but I don’t know…

Don’t you wanna see the face of the woman who he found room in his heart for?

The words are way too personal, a blatant throw back of Jungkook’s confession. Another reminder that you definitely aren’t talking to a laptop and this is just conflicting dialogue in your own head.

Maybe there is a part of you that wants to know. It’ll probably hurt but you won’t stop wondering if you never look. Even just once.

You move from one seat to the other, placing his bag onto the table carefully. You’re gentle as you pull the Canon from it’s compartment, the weight of it shifting into both palms reminds you that if you do anything wrong your friend just might kill you because this baby costs (literal) thousands.

Thankfully, as the camera comes to life his, presumably, last photo taken appears on the small square screen which means you don’t have to press a million buttons just to find what you’re looking for. You scroll through the first photos, dozens of group shots of people wearing different hot pink garments, wondering briefly what the photo shoot was for. Eventually you land on close up photos of a younger guy, the head shots for Taehyung’s friend, you’re close. Until finally, there’s a photo of an older man and woman holding two thumbs up, the festive backdrop giving away they’re at a holiday party.

This is it.

You take a moment before continuing to scroll, preparing yourself mentally because you aren’t sure when you will finally land on a picture of the two in search, but you will reach them and when you do, you must contain your emotions.

It’s fine, it’ll be fine.

Moving on, you’re slower this time, carefully scanning each passing photo to be sure not to miss Jungkook. The first few ones, or rather last several, are group shots with the same old man as before, until they become more candid.

The first time you spot him, he’s in the background giving some guy a hug.

There’s another photo of him at a table, not alone, but not speaking to anyone. He’s completely unaware that he’s being captured in the background which makes his oblivious doe-like daze a little adorable. He’s so cute, you think. Also oblivious to the smile that’s perked on your lips.

That is until you skip to the next photo and noticeably feel it drop when you finally see her. Somehow, you just know. There’s a second woman in the photo who seems to be talking with her hands, Lia’s smiling and making eye contact, but Jungkook’s eyes are on Lia.

You pass it, moving onto something else. There’s another. This time, they’re the focus of the photo, sitting at a table with another you haven’t met, all engaged in laughter.

You skip a few more, until the next one with them is again in the background. He’s smirking but you can’t see her face because she’s sat at an angle and her hair’s in the way.

The next photo is captured from behind, but you know it’s them because of her red dress and the fact you can recognize Jungkook from any angle by now. One arm around his shoulder and her head leaning into him, what warranted her to come this close?

You pass many, many more photos until you see them again. A posed picture, with the same guy from the laughing one, and like this you can really get a good look at her. You’re not too prideful to admit that she is beautiful and she holds an enticing look in her eyes. Maybe that’s her special feature, but other than that what’s special about her? Past the pretty face and perfect smile, what separates her from you? What was there under her surface? How’d she win over Jungkook?

The next pictures you go through are mostly boring, just photos of everyone at the party eating and conversing. But there’s one common factor in all of them with Lia and Jungkook, he was always looking at her. Most of the time smiling while he did so. And most of that time, she was looking at him too.

There’s something obvious there, that maybe Taehyung also saw, they have a connection. That, even if you hadn’t known him, you would think they had something going on too with all the ridiculous googly eyes. But with that, because you know him, there’s something else you see- That he is absolutely fascinated by her, drawn to her, intrigued. Whatever special thing she possessed, he’s latched onto it and it’s pulled him away from you.

Tears begin to well and you have to set the camera down to wipe them away harshly. It’s annoying, this marks the third time today, and if you let yourself cry now it’ll only worsen your headache into a migraine. You don’t want to cry over him, he doesn’t deserve it. Crying means you care and well, obviously you care. You love him, but he doesn’t deserve that either. Why should you still love him after what he’s done to you?

It’s useless to keep rubbing your eyes, your knuckles pointlessly tug the skin just for them to become wet again. You didn’t want to cry but your body was intent on releasing it’s frustration.

It’s not fair that after so much time together this other person just gets to come in and move his heart- quite literally, like he said, making room inside of it. It’s not fair that just two months ago he said to you he couldn’t see himself with anybody else just to fall for another girl who knows how long after. Maybe it’d happened before he even said it. The fact that he was willing to explore how he felt about her should’ve been a dead giveaway that he was in denial at the time. Maybe you were too.

Could it be that she’s the reason your relationship spiraled in the first place? After he started work that’s when the distance between you two started to extend. There were a lot of other things you thought it could be. You thought he was depressed over the new job, closed off from you because he was closed off to the world. And at the time, you tried your best to be the optimistic one.  You tried to lift his spirits and be encouraging but maybe it wasn’t enough. Where did you go wrong? Where did you fail at making him happy?

Why weren’t you enough?

You desperately want to know what it is about her- what is it that Lia has and you don’t?

Is it all because he felt you weren’t reciprocating his efforts to fix things? Maybe you didn’t try hard enough. You should’ve done more- you should’ve been more affectionate and caring. You should’ve loved him better.

You flinch at the soft thud of the door closing, jumping out of your seat because it’s startled you. It’s just Taehyung, standing there silently with a harsh expression of worry.

“You were crying.” He says plainly, a hint of guilt in his tone.

“No.” You lie, wiping your face once more and forcing a laugh.

He shakes his head as he makes his way to you, setting a white to-go box on the table before standing in front of you.

“You think I’m stupid? Your eyes are red.” His voice is unnecessarily gentle as he cups your face in both hands, thumbs wiping away left over traces of tears. The sound of his voice alone makes your entire chest warm- you hate it. “Also, I saw you.”

“I’m fine.” You push his hands away because his affections are way too much for your weakened heart to handle. He seems displeased. “What’d you get?”

He glances at the table and then back to you. The pierce of his brown eyes makes your lungs constrict, even his gaze is difficult to hold.

“Fried chicken. You saw the pictures?”

“O- y-yea…” You force yourself to look away- if you breathe properly maybe you can talk without sounding like a moron. “I’m really sorry for going through your things I just got curious and I shouldn’t have but that’s-”

“It’s okay, Y/n.” He assures you, “Are you okay?”

Your mouth forms to say yes and he already knows the lie to come, fixing his question before you can.

“I mean you’re not okay. I’m asking if you wanna talk about it.”

“It’s okay.” There were too many layers to uncover, between your emotions and the pictures and your anniversary and what really happened at that party, “It’s a lot.”

He shrugs at your words like they don’t matter, “I’ve got some time. And I’ve got food.”

“Tae-”

“Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I’m just confused. But I don’t want to ramble and get upset.”

“Why are you confused?”

“I just… I don’t understand Jungkook. I don’t understand why he likes that girl. I don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t understand why he was so good to me if there was someone else, even after what happened, all the way until I found that he fucking let her-” You stop there, unsure what words to use to explain what happened other than the disgusting frank description that was there in your mind. Your stomach was already churning, you couldn’t say it.

“He let her…?”

“They… you know…” You vaguely wave your hands between your bodies, back and forth from the direction of your mouth to his crotch, hoping he caught on to the innuendo and wouldn’t force you to be explicit. He’d already successfully tricked in you into saying more than you originally wanted to.

“Ahh, wow um…” Surprised, he understands, but uncertain with himself if that’s really what you meant. If only he knew just how bad it gets.

“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright, alright.” He holds his hands up defensively, letting the topic go at once.

At some point over the last few months he’d stopped being passive and tried harder to pry information out of you when you were being closed off. Not too forcefully, but it was silently appreciated. You’d become grateful for his willingness to listen to whatever was weighing on your mind no matter the topic, it was always followed with thoughtful responses and advice. Now though, it’s a bit more frustrating. Something about this was different. This was not something that was easy to open up about and you wished he would say OK and let it be.

You know there’s an elephant in the room and at some point the healthy thing to do will be talking about it and having that conversation with him, your closest friend, but today wasn’t it.

He makes his way to the farthest side of the table, “Well, I’ll have to eat dinner with you quickly because I have to go check on a tenant downstairs. Their heater isn’t working and as you can imagine in the middle of winter they aren’t happy about it.”

“If you have business to take care of it’s fine. I need to go back to my apartment anyway to grab some things before Jungkook gets home and then find a hotel somewhere.”

“You’re being ridiculous, you don’t need a hotel. And you should at least eat first.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.” Your prolonged headache would beg to differ but you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. You’re not sure how to respond to his first remark because it’s obvious you don’t have anywhere else to stay. You’d stay here, but only if he offered. You weren’t going to ask since you had no plan and it’d be quite the favor to ask someone to crash at their place for an indefinite period of time. “Ah, also, I don’t have my key… would you mind helping me get in?”

“Not at all.” A moment of silence drags on for a minute too long as he stares at you sadly, worrying his bottom lip, until he speaks up again. “You sure you don’t want to eat something?”

“I’m sure.”

With that, he heads over to the cabinet below the kitchen sink and pulls out of a bulky rectangular safe. Upon unlocking it there’s nearly a hundred keys organized on rows of hooks- a key to every room in the entire complex. He plucks yours straight from the center and then begins to count towards the bottom before he pulls another one.

After locking everything back up and putting it in it’s discreet place he places the keys in your hands silently. One reads 503, the other 705.

“What is this?”

“There’s a furnished room on the top floor. It’s clean, it’s got running water and it’s all yours.”

“Huh?”

“We only use it for tours because it has extra square footage compared to the other one bedrooms- don’t tell anybody that. Also, please do not lose these because if Mr.Lee finds out I’m doing this-”

“I understand!” You sputter, gripping the cold metal tightly. “Thank you, Taehyung.”

He beams at you, “It’s no problem. You still have a key here so don’t feel like you’re not welcome to visit.”

To visit, right, not to stay.

You weren’t going to ask him, no, but you do feel disappointed that he hadn’t offered. And maybe that’s selfish of you to think considering he’s risking his job just to offer you a private place of comfort and here you are wondering why you can’t stay with him.

You can’t help but feel this is his subtle way of getting rid of you, which is fair, your moodiness is probably annoying. Still, he’s being nothing but kind and going out of his way for you, and yet for some reason it’s all making you sad.

-----

It’s been exactly 10 days since you’ve seen Jungkook, which is impressive considering you both return home to the same complex every day and have yet to cross paths. For the first time ever you were thankful for the difference in your schedules, by now assuming that he was likely back to his usual 10 AM to 6 PM shift and that’s why you two hadn’t. But, you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t wish to see him every day.

There were countless times you had to stop yourself from calling him, thinking I just want to see how he’s doing. In the morning, on the way to work, in the evening, on the train, at night- especially at night, especially when you had to lay in bed alone. Other times you instinctively pressed for 5 on the elevator, only remembering you were on the wrong level when the doors opened to familiarity, you would consider for a moment getting off and just going back home, but deep down you knew better than to make that mistake. Your self control was also impressive.

In your own defense, your moments of weakness were absolutely valid, you two had been inseparable since that first day of sophomore year over three years ago, you never went more than two days without seeing each other. Well, that’s not entirely true. There was the winter break before you started dating, and his family’s week long vacation two summers ago, but you still talked every day so it’s not the same.

This last year in particular your lives were built around each other- you freaking moved in together. Every day for a year you woke up and he was there, you went to sleep and he was there, right next to you. Even your body knew that something was missing as it tossed and turned at night, falling asleep had become difficult. Unless you cried, but you tried to minimize that to every other day.

The spacious apartment did not help your loneliness either, you tried to find comfort and treat it like a get away, but really it was unfamiliar and lacked personal touch. You didn’t even feel like a guest in someone else’s home, the space felt outside of reality, outside of your norm.

The only time things didn’t feel so odd were when you were with Taehyung. In his space he provided the consistent comfort you craved. The only problem was that the past week just so happened to be a week he was packed with gig after gig after gig. He’d been very busy with his photography and while he did his best to call you throughout the days and make sure you were simply surviving, the physical time you spent together had dwindled down significantly. Another hard pill to swallow since you’d gotten used to seeing him every day too.

Your loneliness was becoming suffocating.

Thankfully tonight some of the girls from your job made dinner plans that you were included in, which turned into an impromptu trip to a nearby karaoke bar afterwards. It was a nice break away from your usual routine to go out and spend time with friends rather than sitting inside alone on a Friday night. It was also the most you’d laughed all week.

Your plan for when you got back to the apartment complex was to go straight inside, change out of your work clothes, quickly go through your bedtime routine before your mind had a chance to start wandering through every reason you had to be sad, and go to sleep. That all becomes impossible the second you step into 705 and are welcomed by it’s freezing cold draft, it feels like you’ve just stepped back outside into the winter night.

The thermostat claims the heat is on, set to 70 degrees, but the current indoor temperature reads as 42 degrees fahrenheit.

“Jesus Christ, not me.” You groan at the ceiling, letting your bag thump to the ground before bending over to fish for your cell phone.

To: Tae [9:42 PM]

Please tell me you’re home :(

You hold the phone in your hand for a few minutes, waiting for his message to pop up on the screen but his reply is not immediate. You begin to worry because he’s typically a quick responder as long as he’s not working, and though it’s late maybe he was still at a shoot, or he also decided to go out tonight. Either way, you’d have to figure out what to do because there was no way you could sleep in this place tonight.

From: Tae [9:47 PM]

I’m here

Sorry about that I was making tea

what’s up angel?

A-Angel?

You’re not sure that he’s ever called you that before and don’t know where it’s come from and your face may be heating up at the pet name but there’s more important matters at hand.

To: Tae [9:48 PM]

Uhh hate to bother you but… I think the heaters broken

 From: Tae [9:48 PM]

Nooo You’re the third person this week :(

From: Tae [9:49 PM]

I’m sorry, do you wanna sleep here?

Do you even have to ask?

---

When you arrive downstairs moments later he welcomes you in with a tight hug, as if it’s been months since he’s seen you but it’s only been three days. Regardless, the affection is much needed as you’ve been deprived of all physical forms, you feel yourself wanting to reach back out as he pulls away.

“I still have hot water, do you want me to make you some tea?”

“Hm, I’m okay, but thank you.” You were still fairly stuffed from dinner and the several virgin margaritas you enjoyed during karaoke.

Leaving your bags in the living room, you follow his path into the kitchen. Sure enough, there’s a kettle on the counter next to a small box and mug, he moves quickly to clean up the small mess and put things back into their place.

“Well since you’re here, do you want to watch a movie or anything? I think there’s a new episode of that weird sci-fi show you like.”

“First of all if you’re talking about Black Mirror, it’s not weird, but yes there’s a new interactive movie.”

He glances back to roll his eyes at you before dusting scraps into the trash bin. “You made me watch an episode where they trapped someone’s consciousness into a teddy bear… it’s a little weird.”

“There was so much to take away from that episode and that’s still all you talk about!”

When season four had first come out, you and Jungkook nearly finished it within a week, but life got in the way and you never got a chance to finish. One day you decided to just complete the season without him and enjoy the finale with Taehyung who’d never seen the show. You thought it’d be fun, thinking he’d provide insightful commentary, instead, he couldn’t get passed how cruel it was a character couldn’t express sadness beyond “Monkey needs a hug.”

“Would you rather talk about the guy who literally got off on murdering someone?”

“He-- no, please.”

He’s smiling as he walks back over to you and you can’t help but giggle because okay it is kind of weird and maybe you should’ve chosen a different episode to introduce him to but it was still really good!

“I’ll let you show me another episode, preferably one less dark.”

For whatever reason, he pulls your head against his chest to rest his own atop yours and wraps you back into his warmth. This time your heart immediately starts to race, nervous about the random affection, though your arms don’t hesitate to wrap around him either.

“It’s okay, I actually just wanna go to sleep.”

“Oh… okay...” He holds you tighter, sounding a bit disappointed.

You squeeze him back, a way of silently apologizing. You expect him to pull away then, but he doesn't, and neither do you because even with a jumping heart being like this was too comfortable. He was always so warm, and so cuddly, and his clothes always smelled like lavender. Which would confuse your brain at first when you’d get a whiff of him, the light fragrance so contrasting to that of your favorite- a warm blend of citrus notes and amber on Jungkook- but you also adored whatever floral fabric softener Taehyung used because you found it calming. In fact, you could stand here forever because the combination of all he had to offer was that relaxing. So relaxing that you can’t help but ask-

“Tae…” You release your hold so that you can step back and look at him but he doesn’t let you go, only slides his hands to the lower part of your back providing enough space for eye contact, responding with a yes? “Can I… sleep in your bed tonight?”

“I guess so? I don’t mind taking the couch.”

“No, I mean, with you.”

“Uh-” You catch the way his eyebrows almost raise with widening eyes before he can stop the reaction. You worry about the implications of your words.

“Unless it’s weird. Is that weird? I’m sorry.”

“No!” His hands abruptly fall away, swiping at the back of high thighs as he creates room between you two. “Not at all, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m- it’s just hard sleeping alone, you know?”

“Y-yeah, it’s alright.”

Not long afterwards, after you both had changed and freshened up, you found yourself sitting up in Taehyung’s bed with your back against the wall. It seems silly to you now that you’ve never slept together let alone even stepped foot in his bedroom. But before all this, things were different, and even though you’re only friends it definitely would’ve been inappropriate taking all things into consideration- Taehyung’s feelings, your relationship, maybe even your fleeting non-platonic thoughts about him.

Now, you don’t question it too much, it’s not inappropriate or weird. You’re the only one making it a little weird because you keep thinking about the fact that Taehyung still likes you, or at least you assume so, and that he could use this opportunity to make a move on you. Deep down you know he would never, he’s too respectable for that. Maybe you’d let him- ONLY because you’re vulnerable! He knows that. Which is why he shouldn’t, he’d be taking advantage of that. He won’t, but you still wonder if he will. Even as he rambles on about the earl grey tea his mom bought from Europe, a small yet very expensive Christmas present. There’s a reason why this French tea company is so special, but you wouldn’t know because see, you’re being weird.

How Jungkook would feel about all of this? What’s he up to anyway?

“Y/N? Are you listening to me?”

You’re startled by the sound of your name, but you nod furiously. “Of course, Tae. You were saying your mom and… amazing French company, great story!”

He shakes his head disapprovingly, “That’s how I know you weren’t paying attention. My mom bought the tea in France but it’s a Singaporean company!”

“Oh, see! I was close! I just missed that one little tidbit.”

He squints his eyes at you, knowing you’re telling a tale. Letting out an exaggerated sigh he rotates on his side to face you and props his elbow to rest his head in his palm. “Alright, what’s wrong? Spill the tea. No pun intended.”

“I know you’ll think I’m an idiot but I’m gonna say it. I miss Jungkook.”

“No I won’t!” He sits up fully in bed, seeing that the thoughts that plague you are deeper than he anticipated. He mirrors your image, crossing his legs before reaching to hold both your hands. “First of all you’re not an idiot and I would never think so little of you. It’s okay if you miss Jungkook, it’s expected. You don’t just forget about someone you love overnight or even within a week.”

Was that true, though?

“Why not? He did.”

Whether in the blink of an eye or months before you realized, he’d forgotten about you, forgotten what you meant to him, forgotten what you two had. Or is it that he didn’t love you anymore and that’s what made you so easy to forget?

“Didn’t I already tell you he’s a dumbass?” He grins, but you can’t find it in you to laugh, the insult doesn’t even make you feel the slightest bit better.

He sighs, rubbing his thumbs over the back of your hands. “Can I ask you something?”

You nod.

“Do you want to save your relationship?”

Your hands pull away, not because of him, but almost as if to brace yourself for the weight of reality as you press them into the bed on either side of you. You hadn’t really thought about that, your thought process never got that far. Would Jungkook even want that?

“I don’t know that it's possible. Jungkook told me he likes Lia, and if that’s true, then it’s serious. He isn’t easily swayed by pretty faces.”

Taehyung snorts, “Who said anything about her being pretty?”

Your arch a brow at him, unsure if he’s trying to insinuate something. “Well I saw her, she is pretty but… that’s just it, that's not the point. He actually needs to get to know someone if he’s gonna pursue them. I told you before how in college there were so many girls interested in him and he didn't like any of them. Not even me. Not until he knew me.”

“And now he likes her…”

“Exactly.”

“But that’s not what I asked. Put him aside for a moment and stop thinking about what he feels. What is it that you want?” He asks, pressing a finger into your knee.

What I want? That is still a lot to consider. A lot that you haven’t gone over. You’ve only focused on the current distance between the two of you, and keeping it that way until you felt strong enough to face him. You’ve only gone through past memories, you hadn’t thought of what the future held nor what you wanted it to.

“I don’t know, Tae. It sounds ridiculous but I can’t envision my life without him. The idea of going back to him feels daunting because I don’t know how to forgive him for what he did or how to trust him after this. Or even, how I could allow myself to love him. I don’t have answers but it’s like if I don’t then what? Where do I go and who do I become?”

“You don’t become anyone, if not just a better version of yourself. You don’t need him to have a complete identity.”

“That’s easy for you to say-”

“I know it’s easy for me to say,” His rebuttal is sharp, almost defensive. “No I didn’t just spend the last three years of my life with someone just for them to shit all over our history, but I’m right. You were somebody long before you even met him and you will still be somebody without him, if you choose to let him go.”

“I know that, but it’s not just easy for me to say, okay, bye Jungkook, and go on and be content with being alone.”

“You think you’d be alone?”

“Well, yes?”

It all circles back to what you first said, you can’t envision life without him. Even if you try, there’s nothing there, you, but nothing more. Maybe that should be enough, but that blank image in your mind feels empty, life would be lackluster and dull, something would always be missing.

“That’s not true.” He looks down for a moment, finding a loose string on his comforter to tug on. “You have me.”

At that, and as his eyes finds yours, the air in the room starts to thicken. The statement feels too direct. You know he means that as a reminder of his loyal friendship, you know it’s his way of saying hey I’m here, but it feels like something more.

“As long as I’m alive, you’ll always have me.”

“Hm, like forever.” Your own gaze slips away this time, unable to stop yourself from chuckling at the boundless promise of his words. An older version of you may have believed him, a version of you that believes love is timeless, the version of you with a committed boyfriend. You want to believe him because Taehyung is honest, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. But words like this have been spoken truthfully to you before and look where it’s brought you.

“Jungkook and I are not the same.” It’s almost embarrassing how well Taehyung knows you, how spot on he is about what you’re thinking. “There was a point in time Jungkook couldn’t even see you, he didn’t see you then and he doesn’t see you now. Me?” He stops himself, you can tell by his tone that he knows he’s crossing a line again, about to walk past usual boundaries, about to say something he couldn’t have said before today, but he says it anyway. “The way I’ve felt about you has never changed. Every day I still feel what I felt the day I first met you… Even when you’ve confused me, even when you’ve cursed me, even when you’ve pushed me away, even when you defined the line in the sand and made it clear we could never be more than friends, even when you don’t see me… I feel it. So yes, like forever.”

You’re too afraid to look at him because you think you might crack the way you once had months ago, when a flood of emotion for him overtook you, when you considered giving into him.

“And I’m not asking you to- I’m not saying anything other than I’ve come with you this far and… whatever you do, nothing's gonna change.”

You have no words for him, nothing coherent, at least for now. You nearly throw yourself at him, sprouting up from your position on the left side of the bed to wrap your arms around his neck. He reacts quickly, thankfully, because as he falls sideways onto the mattress with a huff you realize you could’ve sent him tumbling backwards to the floor which would’ve been bad for the both of you.

You feel the soft laughter rumble beneath his chest as he tightens his hold around you, “Thank you?”

You’re overwhelmed with both gratitude and frustration, so much so that you think you could cry. How did you get so damn lucky to have this man in your life? It wasn’t fair. Logically, and karmically, it was not fair. Even as he said and listed reasons he’s had to pull back, to change his mind, to drop you, he hasn’t. He genuinely loves and supports you unconditionally and you don’t know how the hell that happened or why but there’s one thing you are certain of.

You are more than lucky, you are blessed to have Taehyung. And you hope that this friendship is eternal because you can’t imagine having to lose him too.

----

“Do you remember the first time we ate here?”

“Of course I do.”

You’d spent the first half of your Saturday lounging in bed, or rather Taehyung’s bed, all by yourself because he’d had an early morning shoot for… something you don’t remember because you were half asleep when he’d said. You’d stayed that way for a while, grumpily, because you were starving and too lazy to go out and eat and too stubborn to order delivery. By lunch time when your hunger hit peak aggravation you sent him a very aggressive text message in all caps to PLEASE BUY SOME FUCKING GROCERIES YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE BREAD. He promptly responded with a slew of laughing emojis, then letting you know he was already ten minutes away and to meet him downstairs.

He’d taken you the short walk to the taco truck around the corner, the very first place you hung out, a very telling choice after what he said last night.

“You never did thank me for showing you the best taco place in town.” He flicks at his bangs dramatically, turning a shoulder to you in faux offense.

“That’s because it’s not. I mean, it’s good but my favorite is this restaurant up north.”

“Why have you never taken me then?”

“They closed down last summer.”

“Must not have been too good.” He looks at you pointedly, flicking at his silky strands once more. You raise a fist, pretending like you might hit him, though you’re laughing at his obnoxiousness.

“I promise, you would’ve loved it.”

Just then, a lady pokes her head out from the wide window, calling your name for your order. Taehyung is first to run over and grab the small bag, though you take it back from him, offering to carry it on the walk back.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What was your first impression of me?”

“Oh…” His question comes as a surprise, but you don’t think much of it, reflecting back to the day last spring. The very first time you met. “I thought you were very polite.”

“What about the first time we ate back there?”

“Well,” That question takes a little bit more digging. You have to remember the things you talked about that night, how you felt, how he seemed. “You seemed so… so… normal. Like, before that, I guess I kind of put you on a pedestal, I don’t know. You just seemed so composed and confident and like you had everything together but then we talked and you opened up to me and it was like ah, we’re not so different. It was refreshing.”

You look over to him and smile, he smiles, but he keeps his gaze towards to concrete as you continue up the block.

“Why do you ask? What was your first impression of me?”

“That you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.”

You instantly stop in your tracks, it takes him a second to register but when he does the balls of his feet scratch against the gravel as he turns around.

“Stop it.” You say, squinting your eyes suspiciously at him because why is he trying to flirt and joke around right now it’s making me blush! “Tell me.”

“That’s it?” Even his eyes frown at you, confused why you won’t accept his answer.

You roll your eyes and push past him, taking a right at the corner as you continued ahead. His legs are long so it doesn’t take anything of him to catch up, and he asks why you don’t believe him.

“I thought you were attractive but I gave you a better answer than that.”

“Wait-” He takes a few skips to jump in front of you, forcing you to come to another stop as he blocks the way. “You thought I was attractive?”

“What? I said you were handsome.”

“No, you said attractive.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows.

Oh my God, did I?

“I- it doesn’t matter, it’s basically the same thing.”

You step right, he steps left, you step left, he steps right, refusing to let you go around while he dons a ridiculous smirk that you try really hard not to look at.

“What!”

“Don’t you wanna know my first impression?”

“...yes.”

“Don’t judge me.” He points a finger at you, waiting on your nod before he continues, tucking his hand back into his coat pocket. “When we were standing in the elevator together, my heart was beating so fast because I was so nervous, but I thought you were mean! You kept giving me short answers and you glared at me when I was just trying to be helpful!”

“Come on, you asked me where I lived, give me a break.”

He giggles, “I was just nervous and talking out of order. But then you relaxed after I told you who I was, and you even laughed at something I said and…”

“And…?”

“I felt really warm. My heart, my insides,” One hand moves from the left side of his chest then down to his abdomen. You can see that he hesitates, biting on the corner of his lip nervously, but he looks back to you and sees the harsh expression on your face. “It’s stupid.” He forces a laugh and continues to walk home. You’re only about 10 yards away, the front entrance is visible not far beyond him.

He’s misread your reaction, misunderstood your furrowed expression. You weren’t frowning at him because of judgement or because you thought it was stupid, you were frowning out of pure confusion because he’d described the same feeling he’s given to you.

And it was so simple, such a simple feeling, a simple word. But, warm, yes, you understood. You felt it too that very first day, you felt it the first time you hung out. You feel it when he looks at you, when he talks, when he hugs you, just being next to him in itself was like sitting by a fire. You were never sure what it was or what it meant, you never looked too much into it, but if the sentiment was mutual shouldn’t you tell him you feel it too?

You run ahead to catch up, he’s still standing outside the door, presumably waiting for you to go inside.

Taehyung had said before that you always know what to say, but you disagree. Maybe when it comes to uplifting others kind words come naturally, but you aren’t good with words themself, at least not when it comes to sharing and expressing your emotions.

That is precisely why you cup his face into your hands as he turns to you, unbothered by the tacos that get smushed somewhere between your arm and his chest, raising onto the balls of your feet and pulling him down the distance you couldn’t close to press your lips into his.

You’re not entirely sure why you’re kissing Taehyung, or rather you can’t explain why. It’s impulsive but it feels right as that familiar feeling overtakes your entire chest, replacing the vacant ache you’d grown accustomed to over the last week and a half and overwhelming you with so much desire for more. And at first, he gives in to you. His gentle hands find your hips, head turning as his mouth opens in sync with yours to deepen the kiss.

In that moment you place words on the purpose. Kissing him said way more than your grateful hugs ever could, and that was all you’d done before. But this wasn’t even about saying thank you, this was about admitting that maybe you felt the exact same way. This was easier than facing the fact that there really was no reason to keep suppressing your emotions. But then he abruptly pulls away, eyes wide as he sounds frightened when he says your name.

Your heart sinks because he’s looking at you like you’ve just done something you should not have done. Heat creeps up over your ears, this time because you’re actually uncomfortable, completely embarrassed because maybe you just made a mistake.

Your open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out, stuck on shock, you don’t know how to even begin saying sorry.

“Jungkook is inside.”

Wait… what?

If you couldn’t speak before, you definitely couldn’t now as all the air escapes your lungs, frozen and unable to breathe. You want to believe that you heard him wrong, or that he didn’t even say Jungkook’s name. But you’re too terrified to even look and confirm. You still aren’t ready, you don’t know what feelings will come up just by seeing him. Worst of all, you don’t know if Jungkook just watched you kiss Taehyung and you cringe at the thought.

You look right, and sure enough, on the other side of the clear glass Jungkook stands there just feet away looking right at you. The way your heart picks up speed is almost painful, you can tell by the disgruntled look on his face he’s seen everything.

TBC

[succ-mi-ween-blog]

Inside the building

Inside the building, Studio 20 occupies the first and second floors. Forty rooms open off pristine, white corridors, their walls adorned with pictures of women in states of glamorous undress. A closed door means business. Inside that room a woman is live and direct via webcam with international clients - and as long as she is alone in the room, it is entirely legal. In this world of virtual relationships and cybersex, those in front of the camera are "models" and the men who watch are "members". The whole thing is an amazing facade. You think these girls are camming from their rooms when they have free time, but no; they come to the studio at 8 AM and sit there until 6 PM. They work 40 hour weeks and often pay the studio 50 percent of their income. In exchange, the studio provides them with a built-in audience, a technical infrastructure, a hair and makeup person, a wardrobe—they even have people that train them on what clients tend to like and how to keep people in a quiet room with you.And that is not to say that there haven’t been bad times, like in any job. There have been mornings where I have come home with bruises all over my knees, my makeup sweated off, after a busy night. I have felt overworked and underappreciated by my bosses. Sometimes after a shift I have an overwhelming need to curl up in the arms of someone who loves me just because I crave that intimacy that I don’t get when I am at work because I am so self-sufficient there. And I am lucky that I have people who do love me, who can hold me after work and let me be still for a moment. I know that not everybody has that and I am never ungrateful for that privilege.Yes, they work even when they have their periods. This model says she fortunately has "the world's shortest, lightest periods" so she just chooses to do shows that don't require her to remove her underwear while wearing a tampon and then occasionally takes a day off if she feels like it. Makes sense.

Absolutely! Oh my good god! There are so many documentaries that really shit on webcammers, and that really angers me because I don't really think it has anything to do with the webcamming itself. I feel it has to do with the individual, the person. A lot of people end up doing it for money, not necessarily because they enjoy it, and they're made to feel bad about it. I totally feel the opposite. I feel like webcamming is fully me and something I wanted to do; the money was a bonus. The young woman proudly boasts a menu when she is online – in the form of a whiteboard which shows her viewers what she will do and how much it will cost them. A lot of what we see in the media doesn't help either. People have this idea [about] the type of person who does webcamming, where they're either not good enough for porn or they're too lazy to find a real job, and that's all bullshit. Unfortunately there's a lot of girls who do turn to webcamming for the wrong reasons, especially when it comes to money, and a lot of people feel guilty for doing it. But we sell our souls for money all the time, why not our body? Why wouldn't you have a bit of sexual fun at the same time?For the unfamiliar, camming is where clients pay to either watch a livestream of or have an individual video chat with a sex worker. It can’t be pirated and watched for free because the whole point of it is that it’s intimate and personal—you’re actually interacting with the person behind the screen.

"It's up to you as a woman to lead, and that's quite empowering.For my first show I applied some make­up, did my hair and put on a deep v-neck leotard. It was the middle of summer and boiling hot even in just that. I sat on my bed, placed my webcam facing toward me and sat doodling in my sketchpad, waiting for patrons.Unlike many who work in the sex industry, Sandy Bell does not worry about her own security.For Lana, 31, webcamming has provided enough money for her to bring up her daughter alone, and to think about investing money in something "that will bring money to the country". She plans to give up in two years' time. CONTINUED BELOW...