#because I've been ITCHING to do some stuff and finishing a piece is one of those things

[plutonious]

OH WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK GUYS. I FORGOT I'M FUCKING CRACKED AT LINEART. WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK FELLAS. I DON'T THINK I CAN BE BEAT.

[velnna]

Hiii!! I have a question I'd be thrilled if you answered. You make such detailed pieces so often! And you're making a webtoon on the side of it all. Is being an artist your main job? If so, how can I follow in your footsteps

Being an artist is my main job, yes! I've only been doing it proper full time for a year so I'm still trying to find the best balance in the content I create.

I've always been fast at art (mostly because I get bored of a piece easily so if it takes me more than 2h I lose the will to finish haha), and got faster when I started working with webtoon in 2019/20. For a long time that was my main focus, but I also use side illustrations and comics to chill so I never *only* worked on the webtoon itself. I'd always have 2-3h in a day for other random doodles

Currently I barely work on the webtoon, sadly, and it's been like that for a long time since I hit an insurmountable sort of writing block with it. I'm just now trying to work around it but it's tough. Besides, patreon has been my main source of income for a while, and that's independent from webtoon, so I've been spending a lot more time working on content that's more focused on that (different comics/stories and fandom stuff I guess)

As for "how", it's a trickier question. I wouldn't recommend anyone do things like I do because it's not a one-size-fits-all and can be unhealthy sometimes. I'm very obsessive with work and creative projects, so I can easily prioritise that over almost everything else, and once I have an idea I like I tend to not stop until I see it through.

I will say though generally a good mix of passion and discipline should give you some progress. Evolving in art (or anything) generally takes some sacrifice and structure, but at the same time needs to be a process sustained in passion, in my opinion. It's unfortunate not very concrete advice but I'd just say find the stuff that REALLY makes you itch to pick up the pencil, then find a way to commit a decent amount of thought and time to it without losing the spark

[mufos-photo-album]

Aghh, inspiration always strikes at the worst times.

Lately I noticed that the art I post to this blog are largely character-focused pieces, but not many standalone illustrations (that is, stuff one could probably enjoy without knowing who Mufotsuki and Piripu are). This fact doesn't really make me feel bad, however I do feel the itch to make more standalone stuff. It mainly comes from wanting to stretch my artistic muscles. When I upload my Mufopiri sketches I don't really stretch my skills that much, and as a result I think my skills have dulled over some time. This isn't something exclusive to my Mufopiri era since I don't think I've made that many full-scene illustrations in a while. It's mostly just character art the deeper you dig.

I say all of this because maybe this week or the next I wanna commit to making 1 nice, complete illustration again. I'm also excited because this time around I'll try thumbnailing the colors instead of just coloring things raw and adjusting the colors from there. I'm pretty sure this is a method I've done before, but I haven't used it since the day I thought to do it.

The art at the top is one such piece where I thumbnailed the colors first before getting more refined with things (so I drew this a while ago, not right now). I'm pretty confident that I won't be finishing the project this piece is attached to, so I'm more comfortable sharing it (and maybe I'll show off the other pieces later...) I'm still quite fond of how this came out even if its been months since I worked on it.

Edit: And for anyone wondering what this next piece will be about, it will be Moth-tsuki (specifically Mufotsuki right after falling out of the sky). Pending title is "Child of the Wasteland". Maybe there will be more parts? I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

[cyclesprefectpress]

hey hoo how's everybody doing. personally, not my best couple of months on record! and regrettably the first thing i drop when i get stressed is. text messages and social media accounts. which is ok but i've been delinquent on the online business management front and i feel i've been quiet here which i am sorry about because i do like talking about printing.

anyway i've got a bunch of WIP stuff piled up that I'm trying to get to! and some new projects i'd really like to finish this month. and i've also been doing a lot of long press feeds & many hours drawing on the light table and you know what this qualifies me to do. rate things on netflix (but ONLY if you aren't watching the screen):

dangerous lies: perfect non-watching watch experience. boy is it dumb but i always knew what was going on and also what was about to happen. the only thing i couldn't resist ogling was their fucking apartment which was SO big and tidily furnished when they're supposed to be barely making it financially. insane. 9/10

hypnotic: unfortunately this one is fun & good & doesn't waste your time with bad dialogue & i kept wanting to look up and pay attention to Kate Siegel's beautiful face which loses it points by this metric. 6/10

the boy next door: can you tell yet that i'm eternally searching for an erotic thriller that will stack up to Fatal Attraction. and failing. the problem is none of em have glenn close in em. this one sucks nuts 4/10

you get me: this is not what the erotic thriller is FOR. i want full adults torpedoing their own households and careers. teens making horny stupid decisions is just tuesday and the soundtrack is quite bad. 3/10

the nest: definitely not for not-watching. nobody is explaining themselves clearly for the audience or each other. it's also not at all scary, which was a surprise, but that's on me for having a one-note watching history and forgetting that dramas exist. 0/10, i sat down and watched it for real a day later and liked it quite a bit

deadly illusions: it's no Chloe but it is some very fun, greasy diner food of a movie. 8/10

the deliverance: hmmmmmmmm………………many people have more important opinions than me on this subject. i'll just say i was having a pretty nice time with some of the performances UNTIL i learned at the end that it was also about real people. so was the original Exorcist, distantly, and the distance sure does fucking help. 2/10

wild things: honestly a little hard to track what's happening without watching, because it's actually good & fun & there's like. real environmental details and mystery clues. good gravy it's crazy how hot Neve Campbell is all the time forever. 5/10, i was compelled to look up from my work table a lot

five star chef: completely bizarre conspicuous consumption experience. it's actually kind of nice not looking at the screen because i think the fullness of the view would make it way more uncomfortable. 7/10

selling sunset: unfortunately an extremely good non-watching show. now in a group i advocate for looking at the despicable houses together and tearing the decor to pieces, but as long as you're alone it is once again an improvement not to actually see the dollars and energy being dunked in the garbage and set on fire all over the curséd county of San Diego. glance up once every 10 minutes to see what they're wearing and you're gucci. 8/10

the perfect couple: a little challenging to follow at first if you're mostly identifying people by voices, but fun! nicole kidman is a delight; idk Eve Hewson from anything else but her character is made of uncooked spaghetti. as a person without Private Island Money i must protest for us, we're not generally this boring about it. 7/10

evil: netflix has been pestering me to watch this show for so long. they were right. it's bad & it scratches the monster of the week itch & the speed with which it simply, linguistically equates psychopath=literally possessed by demons is absolutely wild. i am currently stymied by the episode where they visit a monastery that's taken a vow of silence but someday i'll look up a summary and get past it. 6/10

culinary class wars (dubbed): i hadn't tried reality tv dubbing before and you know what, it's fine!! it does the job. there's absolutely no localization to make the jokes work in english or anything but that's a-ok. i really like the structure of this competition for some reason, and if the very annoying Class Warfare trappings make you uncomfortable like they did for me, be assured, they drop off pretty steeply after the first round and the actual participating chefs are perfectly respectful to each other. 10/10

[ladyswillmart]

2024 Writing In Review

I went ahead and answered some of the questions in this post! Mostly just the ones I can actually answer. Here we go:

One.) How many fics have you worked on since January?

Uhh. Two. Maybe three if ya count the massive AU timeline? I wrote a few small fictiony posts too but I wouldn't call them fics.

Two.) What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year?

I wrote a multi-chapter fic and made a website for it. I liked designing the site and adding pictures, and most of all I like having my own space to put my stuff!

Three.) What piece of media inspired you the most? (This can be the fandom you wrote the most for, the one that spawned the most ideas, the one you thought about the most, etc.)

Actually I think I wrote/thought about LotRO the most this year. Moria was such a surprise for me, I ended up really enjoying that part of the game's story. Unfortunately I haven't been playing it lately since the last major update completely borked my UI and as of today it still hasn't been fixed…

Four.) How many fandom(s) did you write for this year?

I wrote for Ultima VII Pt. 2 and a tiny bit for LotRO and I think that was it! Surprisingly no FF14 despite having a new expac. It was fine, I just don't have much to say about it, fic-wise.

Five.) What ship(s) captured your heart?

I don't really do ships, sorry. 😛

Six.) What character(s) captured your heart?

Princess Zelda from Echoes of Wisdom. She is so adorable! What a cute game! I don't know why I've never tried writing Zelda fanfic honestly.

Seven.) Did you write for any new fandoms or ships this year?

Nah.

Eight.) What fic meant the most to you to write?

Probably Ancient History because it also got me to work on a couple other non-fic things (website, timeline, etc) that I'd wanted to do for a long time.

Nine.) What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?

The ethically dubious wizard-turned-chicken POV one I just finished drafting (Ultima VII Pt. 2 again). It was the first thing I'd written in several months, plus I just like writing from weird PoVs I guess.

Ten.) What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing?

The chicken one. Felt like scratching a very annoying itch!

Fifteen.) What was the hardest fic to title?

LOL I still haven't come up with a title for the chicken story.

Nineteen.) Share your favorite piece of dialogue

"A crowd, eh? Eh, look, Morty! Looks like the gang's all here!" the thief observed, warmly. "Hooray!" "Looks like the gang would have our guts for garters, Stefano," Mortegro replied through his teeth.

Twenty.) Share your funniest line

I feel like this isn't up for me to decide. 🤔

Twenty-One.) What's something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?

While writing Ancient History, I ended up feeling kinda more sorry for the story's antagonist than anything (though make no mistake, he is still a complete blister). I think maybe it did change the timbre of his parts of the story a little bit? My notes on him looked like this:

Torrissio: He has a burning ambition to learn as much as he can about the Ophidian people… Partially to recover their lost magics, many of which are very potent and dangerous (and now banned by the UCoTL, ala Elissa's Time Prism spell). But also, he really is just THAT interested in Ophidian lore. This in itself is not a bad thing, but his single-minded desire to learn as much as he can leads him to behave ruthlessly in this regard. He does not care who he hurts so long as he gets what he wants in the end. That said, although he wants to collect all these terrible, evil spells, it's not so much that he has designs on using them to Take Over The World or what have you. He does not care what others think or expect of him, and he has no other ambitions beyond the pursuit of knowledge. He is thus rather apathetic towards civic matters. The only person whom he ever really cared about is Columna, who is now dead. His actions are tinged with grief; he is drinking a lot.

So yeah, he ended up being more pathetic than anything. I might like to write him a little more some day.

Twenty-Two.) What writing programs did you use? Did you write by hand?

I use Scrivener to organize files afterwards but I actually write fics out in Notepad++, in their intended HTML files with markup. Saves a lot of time in the end.

Twenty-Four.) Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic?

Finishing the story is its own reward!! LOL

Twenty-Five.) How did you recharge between fics?

After finishing Ancient History, I barely wrote anything at all for months. It kinda burned me out I guess. I don't know if this counts as recharging. Mostly I just got really antsy about it!

Twenty-Six.) Did you create fanworks other than fic?

Yes! I made a very cool timeline for my Serpent Isle AU. I also fleshed out a new backstory for Sethys, and I wrote some LotRO posts and more Hivallion stuff.

Twenty-Eight.) If this were an awards show, who would you thank

Advil and coffee… The breakfast of champions!

Twenty-Nine.) What's left on your to-do list for 2024?

Not writing but I'm trying to finish some plastic canvas bird ornaments. I'm 2/3rds of the way there! I also MIGHT try to put my newer Ultima stuff up on AO3. Maaaaaaybe…

Thirty.) What would you like to write next year?

Maybe more Ultima fics? I set up my timeline specifically to accommodate one-shots (like the Chicken story) so I'd like to do more of those, I guess. On a related note, I'd also like to try to be kinder to myself.

[beast-feast]

Hey idk if you've answered this but what is your art process and what do you use for traditional and digital art?

Honestly I don't even know but at the same time I know the processes are very similar. I'll try and do my best HSNFKAH

Digitally I like to just Do Whatever Feels Good so it's a very "trust the process" kind of thing. Mainly when I draw digitally though I'll start with this.

Basically just making rough shapes and then the details on different layers while changing the opacity.

In the case of traditional it's a LOT more casual and I really don't have a good explanation for it? Basically skipping the rough detail layer and instead going to a sort of rough sketchy look (which is what I've been doing traditionally mostly these days.)

Digital linework is where I correct my mistakes (most of the time, if it's something Not Serious like this it'll be a lot looser looking!) And most of the time that's actually kind of where it ends lol, most of the digital stuff you see from me nowadays is only finished stuff I put effort into.

But when I finish lineart I tend to delete the sketch layer entirely so I don't mistake it for something else, and then color under the lineart layer.

And in this case I decided to give you a rough idea of how I do my shadows+highlights? I don't do it All The Time but I put them on separate layers and play with the layer settings !!! Genuinely cannot advise this enough it's really nice and fun to just see what looks best. In this case though I used a basic multiply layer for the shadows and then on a layer above it placed a few highlights where a general light source would be coming from.

Something I highly suggest is doing what feels right to you in the moment. If you're itching for something that you haven't drawn before, look at photos of what you want and then try and memorize as much of the look as you can! It's a neat little exercise for stylization I've found out, but it's also super useful for when you need references too. Don't ever be afraid of them.

Going back to trad. art though. When I'm not working with very quick sketches with pen/pencil it can come in two ways: clean pencil drawing or something made with pen+marker.

I use mainly Sharpies for colored traditional pieces, and my secret is that if you're limited on colors, LAYER IT ON!!! One shade of a green can give you a decent shadow!!! I use Micron pens for lineart and a white gel pen to sneak in a few little highlights here and there. On paper I don't put much emphasis on light and instead focus on the shadow part (mainly because it's hard for me to figure out a good lighter color for things HAHSHSJAH)

But genuinely whatever you do I don't think having a "style" is perfectly fine. It's a fluid thing that's ever-changing for some and if you fall under that category it doesn't mean that you're not skilled! Play around, have fun, generally just see what looks cool and cooler :)

[gideonisms]

Hey I just read what you have of out of Hold You Like A Weapon and... NGL I am really intimidated by the fact that the first chapter was in Jan 2022 and now This (No judgement, it's just a bummer when chapters take forever), but even if you never published another chapter again I would be so breathlessly grateful for what you have. “I want to make you suffer too. I want you to think about this every day, Griddle. I want to watch you die.” this is Every single part of their dynamic I have ever wanted to read, in SUCH a hot piece of writing as to make me literally breathless because it is so good. In the meantime, do you have any Explicit Griddlehark fics that scratch a similar itch? (Your style is to DIE FOR and I am in withdrawal) It's a plus if they're longer, but I trust your judgment for anything.

This is such a nice ask to receive, thank you so much for reading and enjoying my fic, let alone sending me such a sweet message about it <3

I totally get being intimidated by longer unfinished fic. Look, I still kind of wish tamsyn muir would finish her homestuck fic from 10 years ago, although it goes without saying I'm a fan of what she's done with her time instead. Anyway, I've been dealing with some mental health stuff for the past few years and although I think I've figured out what was going on, it's taking some time to get back to anything resembling a functional life. It is kind of a bummer because I have so many creative ideas I'd love to pursue, but have had to focus on the bare minimum. THAT SAID I just graduated so a lot of my college stress is behind me at least! And I have a good outline of what happens in this AU. I'm hopeful about finishing it before alecto comes out.

Anyway, as to your question about explicit griddlehark fics, I DID do a couple of rec lists here and here (not all griddlehark, but many are). For writers whose style I especially enjoy, I rec bonesfortime, raxheim, igneousbitch, corpsesoldier, valancytrinit, and zoicite. If you're looking for something in the specific enemies with benefits to lovers genre, there is a figure skating fic here I enjoyed and then this fic I mentioned in the first rec list linked up there, and the buzzfeed unsolved au by igneousbitch has this premise too, but if anyone knows some other good ones too, feel free to comment! I can never get enough of that trope

[myballsitchaurghouchie]

💕Positivity prime time! Share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. Pass this along to someone else who makes you smile💕

Whale umm...

I can't wait for July 2025 bc I'll be going to a convention with my friend and we're doing matching cosplays of the Lamb and Goat !!! I haven't started mine (I don't think he has either) but doing my (One Piece) Perona cosplay was super fun and I'm hoping i can do better with this one instead of fainting because of the corset.

Also cannot wait for June 2025. That's when I finish my last year in university and then I'll be FREE FOREVER AND EVER WITH A USELESS DEGREE !!! WHAT A WIN FOR INCOMPETENT PEOPLE

I'm very excited about the Witch Hat Atelier anime that will come out in 2025. The manga is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, from the art itself to the character designs (THE CLOTHING HAVE YOU SEE THE OUTFITS. IT'S MY NUMBER ONE INSPIRATION FOR DESIGNING CLOTHES NOW), to the way Kamone Shirahama makes the art interact with the panels and decorates them (some of the pages look like they were taken right out of a fairytale book). The translation from manga to anime will take away some of my favourite aspects of it, but i'm still excited to see how it turns out.

And less certain of this but still looking forward to it; in the near future I'm hoping to open digital commisions as well as move to France so I can make and sell prints, charms, stickers and stuff. I'm unsure of how I'll go about it, but it's my one and only goal for the coming years. I've been itching to do that for a while now (+ my dad suggesting I should go and sell my art in Artist Alleys at conventions) but there's no manufacturer of such things in my home country and shipping it all here would be wayyyy too much of an investment. So you know. Hoping :)

Okay genuine Balls time over

[languajix]

Hello!! I come bearing asks on this fine Monday

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?

Hello!! Why thank you, it's lovely to hear from you! I know it's no longer Monday, but I hope your evening has been nice.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Actually... If there was any way to have it still stylistically fit with the rest of the series, I'd wish to hand over all my thoughts and half-written scenes from the Leo-centric Hold Every Memory fic to someone else to finish.

I don't know. I'm struggling to find a theme, an overarching narrative, character development, something to tie it all together so it says something and isn't just. Scenes. I don't know what I want to say with it, yet.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

I'm a big fan of Rise-Donnie-and-the-Technodrome stuff. I'm going to count that as a trope.

Connecting to something bigger than you, something that initially disgusts you on a level far beyond visceral, and finding freedom and power and kinship in it? Becoming something bigger than yourself? Being forcibly ripped apart and trying to come to terms with the fact that you can never be the person you were before, that it left with a piece of you, and you left with a piece of it, and you might never be whole again? Yes please.

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?

It depends! If the Inspiration (fleeting, fickle, finite) doesn't spark, writing is not very much fun.

I do work with some general prompts from bingo cards on Dreamwidth, and that's fun because I get to do whatever I want without any pressure, but sometimes I struggle. I'm not very. uh. original? I guess? I'm not usually overflowing with ideas, and when I am, they're usually alternate takes on stuff I've seen elsewhere that - once I dive in to read - scratch my itch just slightly to the left of where I actually need it.

So perhaps specific prompts are better! Just do the thinking for me. As long as my inspiration cooperates, because that can be a dice roll on the best of days :'D

[pochapal]

I don’t know if you’ve been asked this before, but what was your experience with detective mystery novels before umineko?

i've always gravitated towards stories with mysteries or something obtuse to puzzle over and figure out but i'm not actually that versed in detective fiction at all haha. the genres i'm normally into lean more towards horror and speculative/literary and also everything that homestuck is so while a lot of stuff i read does have central mysteries guiding their plots, the specific construction of detective mystery isn't something i am incredibly familiar with on the whole.

my closest experience to detective mystery fiction was actually when i was super into danganronpa as a teen and i ended up trying to write my own original killing game fan story. i never finished it and it's kind of cringe looking back at it but i did spend several years of my life trying to construct solid "hard but fair" murder mystery cases (i still have a bunch of files on my hard drive from when i planned it all out lol) that i think taught me a lot about the experience of a murder mystery from both the perspective of the writer and the reader. a lot of that was making up a guy in my head and imagining them trying to catch me out based on where their thinking would likely be at each stage. so then i was also thinking of my mystery but also how to throw this hypothetical guy off the scent while still making something solvable. the writing process was very much like chessboard spinning but if you put the chessboard in a 1 million rpm washing machine and turned into a weird psychological game of cat and mouse between me and a person that didn't necessarily exist.

the mysteries i published were kind of not that great (their conceits were "how can you find *the* culprit when the culprit is actually two people in tandem" and "an incredibly obvious case that becomes complicated by everybody else's assumptions and overthinking") since i wrote and planned them out when i was like 17 but the later cases i never got around to doing when i hit my stride and sketched out the rest of this story would have been way cooler (one murder was going to hinge around a really nasty wordplay trick to do with the time of death that technically wasn't a lie but was incredibly misleading and deceptive and another was an elaborate cause-effect chain involving a publicly witnessed indisputable suicide as the trigger) if i'd gotten around to completing the story. i will forever be haunted by this one particular locked double locked room murder i spent six months of my life sketching out down to the minute by minute positioning of the characters. it would have had the 2018 fanganronpa community trembling in their boots if i had ever realized my vision lmao.

anyway i guess my experience with detective mystery fiction is coming more from the position of a writer than a reader which i think comes through a little when you examine some of my thought processes (my approach at times is very much "if i was writing this story right now what would i do here" and then i search for evidence to try and back that up) even if i'm not super well-read or familiar with the genre outside of like one vn series lol. i know about making fiction and i know about keeping people guessing via revealing and concealing information and past a certain point most fiction operates under similar principles so that's how i got into understanding and approaching mystery. i think it's a fun genre, both to produce and to read now that i'm reading something that is more seriously presenting itself as a piece of detective mystery fiction! umineko is good because it really is scratching a specific kind of itch i never really address in my own writing these days because there's a specific time and occasion to produce these kinds of mysteries. hope this illuminates my understanding of/relationship to this genre a little more!

[phoenixwatchesmovies]

What I'm Watching: November 2023

The Fall of the House of Usher

Sycrhjodxfhbaudiffebuvehtxt I'm obsessed with this show. So far, this is the first and only Mike Flanagan adaptation where I was familiar with the source material already, and it was a fucking BLAST playing Spot The Reference. Additionally, the conclusion of the rave scene has been burned into my memory ever since and I cannot for the life of me get it out of my head, in the best and worst way possible. Sooooooo good, but oh my fucking god. And it's been a long time coming, but this series has elevated Carla Gugino for me to Rachel Weiss meme status. You know the one I'm talking about. I just.... THIS SHOW IS SO FUCKING GOOD. The writing, the story, the performances, the cinematography, the scares, the all of it. It's split down the middle between stuff you can point and go "ha! I knew it!" and stuff you just can't see coming, and it's all top tier. I typically need a cool down period to recover after most Flanagan stuff, but I'm just itching to get back to this one as soon as possible. Is a good amount of that just me thirsting over Verna? Well, yeah. It's pretty much Gugino's show, and everyone else merely appears in it. Actually, that's not fair. Everyone involved not only fucking went for it, they fucking nailed it. This is Mike's last run with Netflix, and by god, the whole team went out with a bang.

Cowboy Bebop (2021)

Let me start by saying that my post mentioning how much I wanna bang Spike went as viral as things tend to go on this blog, so I'm glad that resonated with some folks. 😂 I'll admit, I have a lot less nostalgia for the anime as a lot of the audience for this, having only seen it twice, but as far as adaptations go, this was perfectly okay. As someone pointed out already on one of my posts, it's a lot less existential than the OG, and therefore a lot less heavy. And since all I wanted out of this was a good time, I was happy with it. I was EXTREMELY happy with the opening credits in particular. My stance on adaptations in general is that if a piece can stand on its own merit, I don't care how closely it adheres to the source material, and in my opinion, the live action succeeds. In fact, my one and only complaint is...not enough Ein!

Anne With An E

The books stay in my reading rotation, so despite my philosophy on adaptations, I had very high expectations going into this several years late, don't worry about it. And...I was not disappointed. I ended up crying over almost every episode, and that never happens, so... 😅 It's so sweet and I was charmed from the get-go. I've still got a season left, and since it seems to be doing its own thing apart from the books now, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also dreading it, because I'm not ready for it to be over. Then again, that's how it feels finishing the books as well, so that's only how it should be.

Five Nights At Freddy's

Lemme tell you, I've known jack shit about FNAF aside from "evil Chuck E. Cheese" for years now. I've had the tags filtered for almost as long as I've been on Tumblr (I love the people I follow, but I gotta curate my experience). I've made it my mission to go as long as I can without knowing anything at all about this franchise if for no reason other than it's fucking e v e r y w h e r e and I was sick of the overexposure. But now because a relative of an acquaintance of a family friend was one of the cannon fodder characters, I got roped into watching this and my streak is broken. I can't unknow what I know about this franchise. Which I'm extra annoyed about, considering what the creator of the games tends to put his royalties towards. 😑 From a film standpoint, it's fine. I'm not sure what age range the target demographic is, but having the horror stuff happen off screen made it feel more vanilla than the average episode of Supernatural, and I'll let that speak for itself. The look and atmosphere were exactly what I'd imagine if told to picture an evil Chuck E. Cheese, the animatronics are appropriately creepy (though let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make ANY animatronic creepy), and I was a little surprised and impressed with the soundtrack. And it was nice to see Josh Hutcherson in something new, though it's still so odd seeing him as an adult. I'm most familiar with him as a kid in RV, and holy fuck, I feel old looking at him now. I could have used a little more Matthew Lillard--why would you get Matty Lilly in your movie and then NOT do something with him?!--but given the character/story/what have you, I get it. One plot point in particular didn't stick the landing, as far as I'm concerned. In an effort to tie up all loose ends, it made things too contrived in a "that's convenient but now it makes less sense" kind of way. Don't know if that's how it goes in the game, and I don't care enough to find out. All in all, I've seen worse, I still don't get the hype, and I'm still not the target audience. And that's perfectly okay.

Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet Of Curiosities

A horror anthology? With GDT?? Sign me up yesterday! I don't think there was a single episode I didn't like. And I wasn't prepared to recognize so many names in the credits. Actors, directors, composers, authors, you name it. And it was fun! The stories were bizarre, assorted creature designs were gnarly, and whatever else was going on with the vibes episode to episode, they all felt consistently creepy and sinister. "The Autopsy" has the distinction of being one of the few things I've watched that almost made me puke. "Pickman's Model" was the first thing to freak me out bad enough I stayed awake to get it out of my head in a Very Long Time. "The Viewing" was the only ending that felt unfinished, it was so abrupt, but the style and aesthetic was so *chef kiss* I'll overlook it. (Side note: that episode's director also did Mandy, which I've been meaning to get to for awhile now? Hoo hoo, have I got some visuals to look forward to!) I knew as soon as I saw Jennifer Kent did an entry that hers was going to be my favorite, and that's not even coming from a biased place. "The Murmuring" is beautiful and heartbreaking. Easily my favorite aspect of the series is how you get a sense of each individual director's style BUT the entries themselves are so flavored with GDT, the whole thing stays cohesive. Now all I can do is hope for another season. :D

[danceswithdarkspawn]

Hey, Dances! Coming in hot!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

(I really wanna know so I can start reading your stuff, your excerpt yesterday really enticed me!)

10. How do you decide what to write?

16. What’s an AU you would love to read (or have read and loved)?

33. If you write chaptered fics, what’s your ideal chapter length to write? Is it different from your ideal chapter length to read?

Don't wanna give you too much, so these four should be good! Nice running through your inbox, Dances!

Oh boy, so I have a few different things. Currently, a couple of longfics that are written from different characters and POVs (one in 1st, another in 3rd limited). A lot of my works tend to tiptoe around angst and might be heavy reads. If you want the lightest possible smack with the angst bat, Two of Swords or A Small Victory would probably be best. If you wanna go full-tilt on the angst bat with some idiot slow-burning forever, Broken Bird. This is the first-person POV fic that I'm writing. 10. If we're talking about creating new things, I don't generally get ideas I want to write all that often, or if I do, they go in my notes folder. From there, if I have the time, I pick something that's enticing or that I've been itching to read myself (or just wont leave me the hell alone) and go from there. As to deciding which of my ongoing projects to work on, it honestly depends on the headspace I'm in. I prioritize my longfics over any shorter pieces because I want to finish those. Ultimately, I decide based on what I feel like writing at that moment. 16. I once read an AU in which the events that started Dragon Age: Inquisition (i.e. the Conclave blowing up) never happened. While the fic itself didn't delve too far into that aspect and instead explored something else, I think it sets up a lot of "well what now?" types of scenarios. I'd also be incredibly interested in an AU in which one or more characters comes back from the dead, basically, but they come back...wrong somehow, and can't or won't articulate that to people around them. 33. My written chapter lengths have been anywhere from 2.7k to 8k, but generally I try to hit between 4-5k. Generally speaking, I prefer to read the same length (4-5k), however, if I'm enjoying the story enough, I will read almost any length. I just might need a break depending on the length.

[blindedguilt]

|[ Leonard and Caim. Because reasons. ]|

YOU ALREADY KNOW MY ANSWER TO THIS, BRI.

Alright so to note before anything I had a literal essay typed out and ready to go at about,,, 1???? AM???? The night this was sent

but then I forgot mobile Tumblr hates me right now so I hit post and lost it forever 😔

Then I wrote this but fell asleep in the process at about 4AM and woke up the following morning, and after days of working on NOTHING else on Tumblr but this, finished it after a lot of on and off work (I was still resentful and petty about losing my first one), and am praying the gods won't get in the way of my thoughts on this because good LORD

I've tried to include everything my original post did (albeit a lot less messy) but....

So to start, whoever came up with the idea that a ship is "good" based off of how pleasantly compatible and not toxic/problematic the people involved are is a fucking liar

I don't talk a LOT about shipping given the nature of this blog and that the topic doesn't come up very much??? At least on Tumblr lmao

But what some people might not know is that while I'm someone who believes that literally everything and everyone is inherently,,, "pairable" (It feels better to say than shippable), no matter how little they've interacted or how unconventional/potentially problematic may be, I am also VERY picky about shipping to where there's only been a handful I've ever really been invested in (2 OC pairings, 2 pairings involving canon characters) and the rest I usually bump off either for taking up feed space and not really caring or not being slightly moved at because my brain is picking at it too much.

Whether I like a ship or not ultimately comes down to two things:

1. Is the dynamic THERE? or are the two characters just trope fodder

When it comes to the happy couple, power couple, sunshine/grumpy, etc. etc. I DO enjoy these tropes, but more often than not they end up being boring for that being next to everything about the characters themselves. I'm always eager to know stuff like what drew them to each other and continues to draw them to each other, what caused/how their previously established dynamic was able to evolve to where it is now, what fuels their particular dynamic, and ofc their own established characters outside of it. I don't often indulge in romance-type things outside of those campy us romcoms from the 00's but I've seen a few very forgettable couples in media (I won't blame Disney for being targeted more towards children, but you'd expect more out of couples like Cent and Two ESPECIALLY for that's more or less just "They're in love!" And I'm just,,,, yeah. that's been established 😭

2. The actual portrayal of the ship. My autism brain is VERY stringent about this, literally you could have everything what was just discussed and if it doesn't stack up in a way that really makes sense, it will stick in my mind like an itch I can't reach and I likely won't shut up about it for the next month.

I dunno how to explain it, when you have a certain pair/set of characters (Who are made of differentiating backgrounds, circumstances, etc. which may affect them in different ways), and they gradually get to understand/learn more about each other as time passes and in turn grow some semblance of a bond/care as humans do to the point it could be deemed a romantic(?)/intense enough "bond" that could manifest itself in any which way depending on what's been established in those characters backgrounds, how they already and HAVE interacted with each other, their current circumstances, etc. etc.

Sometimes, especially in a darker piece of media like Drakengard, the way they manifest as a "ship" or "pair" isn't always a conventional or even healthy so much as it is a result/consequence of those raised emotions and their bond. When I see something that should stack up to be toxic or potentially even twisted and problematic be written as something undeservingly sweet and "cute" it gets under my skin like nothing else. Like differentiating Nabokov's Lolita, which is an absolutely GUT-WRENCHING book about CSA and the effect it has on the victim later on in life, and lolisho circles, which are.... Yeah. It's also why the all too popular good girl/bad boy trope gets under my skin for how often it's just putting up with a guy's shitty behaviour and then him magically changing at the end to "justify" it and ughhhhhh you know the spiel

ANYWAYS, WITH ALL THAT ESTABLISHED. THEM.

I think what really strikes me most about Leonard and Caim's whole relationship without even considering shipping is just how much there is to compare/contrast, like...

As far as differences go, they're nearly polar opposites in just about fucking everything, resulting in the all too well-known clash in personality we like to write lmao. There's a lot to be said in these two different aspects of their characters, like the spontaneity/suppression, deflection/guilt, revenge/recompense, fighting to live/fighting to die, sadism/masochism, reckless bravery/reckless cowardice, and it's goes into their backgrounds as well, with Caim's upbringing in royalty and Leonard's likely in peasantry/coming from the general lowerclass before even his life as a hermit, and even in design (the blond/brunet contrast is a VERY popular design choice in a lot of fiction, usually with the blond being established as the "good conscience"/more naive/comic relief/etc. of the two and brunet, ironically, usually being an established lead or main character with more of an idea/maturity/so on in contrast.)

And while it's easy enough to just say opposites attract and use that as argument enough, what I think really would pull them together as far as shipping is concerned is much more in what they share in common (what little they fullheartedly understand of each other) in contrast

The biggest points I think are definitely sharing the role of older brother, which Caim (at least, I think, you'll have to tell me) kinda carries more subconsciously and/or at the back of his mind while consciously going "Older brother? Oh yeah... That thing. That's the thing I am" and Leonard eventually carries both consciously and subconsciously down to his very mannerisms (And of course, mainly in my Leonard's case where these smaller scenes are more relevant), often adopts that role of caretaker to just about anyone and anything whether he knows it or not — Seere, Arioch, Caim, etc...)

What REALLY interests me between them is their shared background, though. The thing Caim and Leonard both (possibly?) really know or at least have a hunch about is that both of their family was lost to the Empire. And THIS, whether it's actual knowledge or just a hunch, I think is not just the general basis for the two of their characters, but is largely the stem for the friction between the two.

To explain, it's mostly their role/perceived role in the tragedies of Caim's parents/Leonard's brother's that makes for their character schism — The difference between action, in Leonard's case where he's thinking "If only I hadn't done that" and inaction, in what I'm guessing is Caim's case, where he (may) be thinking "If only I had done something". Whether either would have actually changed anything aside, I think that whole action/inaction perception being what led to their families' deaths in this occasion is largely what leads into the people they are by the time they meet, of course, but also like

It's the reason they're so tense with each other in the sense that, at either's core, they see in the other exactly what led to their losing everything to begin with. And being near that is terrifying for them, whether it's Leonard's apparent indifference towards life or the prospect of wanting to live digging up that sense of "There's a threat and I need to do something about it" or possibly some insecurity about the lengths he takes that "Fight" between the fight or flight response for him, or if it's Caim's apparent insensitivity that brings up a sort of reminder not only of what he did as far as involvement in his brothers deaths, but a terrifying glimpse at the callousness and harm he could cause by just... Not caring for anything but himself.

So naturally, seeing a far much worse version both of what they could be and in a way, what they were stemmed from just about the same circumstances nonetheless is a major contributor to their issue with one another. A giant case of seeing their own insecurity/fears reflected in the actions the other's taking specifically to avoid their own past "fault" and going "How can you be as foolish as I was at what was more or less the only point of similarity in our lives?"

So this is where it gets into actual shipping talks, and MAN

im so sorry it took so long lmao

But explaining it in the case of shipping, on top of the growing fondness for people who are placed in these kinds of survival and/or traumatic situations being a thing that humans tend to do, like... It's what I just explained as that mutual fear/agitation with each other is even somewhat based in a vague fondness (perhaps not as personal) in not wanting to see their tragedy reappear again.

I typically believe that when developing attractions beyond anything platonic, the more you see of people and their humanity beforehand, especially in stressful and/or potentially lightening situations, the quicker you end up getting closer to each other (or at least, from one side you might) ESPECIALLY when you can play a part in helping and aiding another's life yourself for both ends. I kinda mentioned it earlier ofc to but I also think that ESPECIALLY when it comes to fictional ships, the way those feelings grow is (or maybe, should) be like growth of their pre-existing feelings of what's been established already — Growing more intense and/or obsessive with perception of a person of interest, and changing with understanding — that is, assuming they want to change/understand.

A looooong long time ago you mentioned the idea of Caim's growing violence towards Leonard the more he realises he might care (gods forbid), and honestly, that's exactly it — it comes together PERFECTLY for all the points mentioned earlier. There's not much I can say given it's mostly been throwing darts at a board for ideas and seeing what's just "neat" and what looks like the headlights of the train that may or may not be approaching to run us over but the other thing I can really pick at is the "unrequited" aspect which is where things get messy but veeeeeery interesting

I mostly see this on Leonard's part, given he has not only a few ✨pre-existing conditions✨ (to put it mildly) and what he feels for Caim I think may be a platonic/familial fondness at best, or downright terror and resentment at worst. It was briefly mentioned a while ago, once again, the idea that Caim, who generally grazes as he pleases and is ever the conniving little lad, may try and approach him out of convenience (I imagine both as a quick and easy way to dodge anything serious while also, of course, getting that a vague sense of satisfaction/fulfilment from it?) And generally depending on exactly how this is done, Leonard's full-hearted involvement is spotty at best

The chance of him actually returning or even understanding that he's an increasingly obsessed-over object of "affections" (however you may like to call them) is very low compared to him just,,, going along with it as most shit that happens, either citing the whole "fix him" bit himself and taking anything that happens afterwards as "punishment" fodder into his ever-evolving guilt complex. Where it could go from there is generally a mystery, but there's one thing I'll say: I don't think the general thing will be pleasant lmao and im not saying that negatively, mind, just the opposite

SO.

Would it be unrequited? Most likely.

Would it be toxic? Definitely.

Would it look a little like this cursed-ass video I stumbled across on YouTube that hasn't left my mind for three days? We'll have to see.

But most importantly — It's INTERESTING, the dynamics are there and always have been, and it goes without saying I don't have to worry about your portrayal skills in the least. 20/10.

I am begging for a Caionard sweep this summer please you don't understand 😭

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary179

3/12-13/2024

tuesday - wednesday

thursday will be the day i get to enjoy my clothes from japan. so exciting.

i also just got a book, agua viva, that will come somewhat soon, i suppose, i am very excited to get back into lispector as the 2 books i've read of hers are some of my favorites ever, i think she's always hit, i've read bits of a few others of hers, also amazing imo but i just could not finish them, because i was reading them in a bookstore, i was trying to absorb as much as i could from her. after agua viva, it's either back to gary indiana's book gone tomorrow again, which i still need to finish, or i buy something from amphetamine sulphate. i think i want to read another thomas moore book, i know he's amazing, but my curiosity is piqued by isabelle nicou, she has a new novel out called stricture, and i can't tell what it's about really, which is good. the excerpts are rather amazing to me, as pieces of writing, look:

In Harry’s suburban house, cluttered with books and stacks of papers, time was bending in an elliptical orb that never failed to constrain me during the few months broken by vacations and interruptions—several, for Harry was often invited abroad—where I went once a week to, as my famous mentor put it, “assist” him.

i love that. i am really itching for fiction right now i think. i really would like to get back to writing my big project, step outside of the little pieces i add, and get to the hard work of assembly and subtraction, but it is hard, i need to just sit down and do that but there's other stuff that feels almost more pressing, the music, right now. so it sits, it can wait a bit. since there are things being added to it, it feels like it's not cold for me, it won't really be i think, it feels too near complete already i guess.

music was good today i think, i hope. i recorded the whole of a song, wrote lyrics for it and stuff to complete it. there's some takes i need to take out, and some stuff i need to punch in i think for timing, but it's basically all there i think. i think i sound better on that song now. plus, i wrote lyrics for like 2 other songs/instrumentals, one of which was one i was like, how am i gonna figure anything out. something hit me and i ran with it, and it works. that's very exciting. i also have a random fragment now, which is kind of a fully formed idea with no song to go with it. that's nice as well, something to use whenever. but i want to do something longform again. a story. i've been too focused on other things, i guess. but i think it'll come to me. whenever i feel lost that always does return. especially if i get burned out on one pursuit.

i came upon an interesting thought, i will enter it into the story, i think.

i have done that. i think today is good, i am not hating my bangs so much too, even. stuff like that. i talked to my gf for a while today, we talked about dumb things like some new video game where the main character has a giant ass, which is strange to see. that game looks pretty bad and it's kind of frustrating they're obv trying to crib stuff shinkawa would do in metal gear, especially like, the beauty and the beast women in mgs4. who, regardless of how like, uncomfortable that might be, have incredible designs imo. i've heard in the past the game was going to almost be more of a horror game, with some of the designs he was trying, which i wish was what happened. i hope at some point he can do more horror oriented designs.

soon, as well, i need to finish maldoror. i can be too precious about books with really incredible prose, trying to drink it all as deeply as possible so as to absorb/learn better what they do and how to use it for my own ends, or to even sense if my ends are compatible with their ends, stuff like that. maybe it's not too precious, maybe i just need to be better.

so with songs that need lyrics entirely, i think there's only like, one? idk. and then there's like, 3-4 that need some additional parts written.

i'm thinking, probably, some of these songs are gonna need more boosting in the bass, which should go over decently i think. like, a pretty flat/even +2-4 db? i'd guess at least.

new vox from today need to be lowered by a few db as well. like, 2, i think. maybe too saturated too, or too much high end? strange. but i do rlly like the takes i have for this.

i was listening to the songs thru the blue yeti mic, it's so fucked up how much high end it adds. i was thinking like, what the hell is wrong with all these mixes. now i know why i thought i needed so much added bass. listening thru system audio it still feels like some of these songs could do w/ the high end boosts i'm doing, even more extreme like, idk, even +5? we'll see. but it could be a key to making things sound better.

i'm liking how this is all coming together though. i'm glad my faith in myself is returning i guess, or that's kinda just how this feels. maybe it's delusional. but we'll see, based on reception, although i think basically nobody is gonna receive this.

here's some fashion mag photos/scans i found today, also:

madame figaro japan:

i don't know if it's the scan or what but the blurring on this in the dark space is so uncanny to me, she has the feeling of a sea creature emerging from the depths, she is occupying non-space in a strange way, which makes this photograph really interesting, beyond its role as advertising, it's either been given something wrong by a bad transfer/scan, or it's produced that way. either way, it is against itself in a good way, instead of making one want something solid, it pushes one towards the insolid. which is interesting, as luxury items are always supposing to sell that, so perhaps it's not against advertising wholly, but one could contend that perhaps it is, or it points in some direction where by being handled poorly something can be taken from the image, i guess its negative is produced here, or something, i guess even with the external interference of the watermark, it begins suggesting other things, a mire/swam of desirability, beauty but totally frayed, it's not working in the typical way say fashion photography of deconstructed/avant garde stuff works, as much as i truly love that stuff it is still trying to further its own existence by suggesting to an audience it is a luxury good, instead of a com/pulsion. it is not presenting an object's aura, this is someone being swallowed by something else, subsumed into a broad instantiation of not. or it's at least the feeling it gives. either failure or an odd affect of the photographer, produces something that feels outside of typical valuation in fashion. the image as it is, draws attention to the point of where it loses interest, the fading of definition, or maybe a point of emergence. it is pointing constantly at a fissure.

l'officiel china:

this one is similar to the above, although i suppose more typical and more evidently intentional. i am very struck by the figures of men behind her, i do quite like how at a certain level, the clothes cease to matter and high fashion photography kind of enables a lot of photographers to simply not engage typically. what is preserved here is maybe more a sense of aura of the clothing, although it is oddly agnostic to the garments, it is not shot like a flower, as some might try, it is held at pretty great distance and shares space with the totally surreal men who seem to leer or be heading someplace. they evoke futurist forms, even, which is odd. this, rather than being about nothing, reminds one of passing someone striking in a car, something like that. in contrast to the last it is certainly not able to point at anything single, it's very busy, the pollution gives it another kind of weight.

elle girl korea:

this one is by many measures less odd than the prior two, however i quite like her socks and would like some like that myself, a nice and piercing green. i find myself more and more wanting to wear green, but i have nothing to wear it with. sad. i'll have to find things. i do quite like, overall, the aggressive gaudiness on display, the white background foregrounds it, the rusted looking base of the tv, it being evidently old. the loudness of the outfit, her pose being so like, it's such a pose, she is holding her hands funny, she is pushing her elbows out. it is pointed at you, or maybe through the viewer. it's almost an image begging to be lost in the pages of a magazine. that's not to say it's bad or something, i like the photography here a lot, i guess it's kind of hitting at an early peak of normcore in 08, sorta.

anyway, i need to sleep soon so i can record some more tomorrow. and then i'll be closer, inching closer and closer, and closer, and then soon it'll be time to really get down on the cover art, which will be fun i think, and a headache, but hopefully a good one.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[imperatorium]

Oml these asks make me want a whole batb ghost au fic soooooo bad. I can practically feel the dopamine in my head anytime I read stuff about it. Istg I will eat a 3 year old cheerio off the ground to read this (genuinely no pressure to write anything though, the concept just scratches a particular itch in my brain)

I promise you that one is coming!! I've been working on it for like three years and I still need to do a pretty massive rewrite for the 51K I currently have written - switching back to third-person limited perspective, since switching out of that to first person didn't really work the way I wanted it to - but it's never something I'm far away from.

I'm in the middle of a supplemental piece about the night the Church got cursed from the boys' point of view that honestly if I sat down and applied myself better than I usually do when it comes to writing (I AM VERY POORLY DISCIPLINED IN THIS WAY OK), I could probably finish pretty quickly, but it's also something that might not hit (or might ruin some of the magic) if it was the first formal thing from this AU that I ever posted.

SO REALLY WHAT I'M SAYING IS thank you for making me talk about it so much because it is something I'm dying to work on and just...haven't, for a good while. And this is absolutely motivation to get back into doing so. ♥

[spinchip]

i mean. the prompt I've got in my head is like. a lil bit zangsty but, zane being rebuilt post s4 make me wonder if he can like. actually remember stuff about what happened early on. maybe the og four are reminiscing about some of their early days, and zane can't relate because zane can't remember? like. all those memories were p much lost for good after s3... makes me think

A/n: 1150 words. this was fun!

“Hey.” Kai says, knocking on Zanes door. It’d been open, the invitation extended to anyone who wished to see him, but Kai still lingers in the doorway.

Zane blinks up from where he's been sitting on top of his bed, bookmarking the page he’s been on and setting the book he’d been flipping through aside, “Hello, Kai.” He smiles, though faintly, as he registers the expression on his face, “Is something wrong?” he sits up a little straighter, swinging his legs over the side of his bed.

Kai hesitates, shaking his head, “No- well, it’s just… I’m really glad you’re back.” He admits, stepping into the rooms.

“Oh.” Zane says faintly, instantly forcing down the Overlord's memory before it can snap to the front of his mind, “I’m glad to be back as well.”

Kai sits heavily on the edge of the bed, close enough for their legs to touch, “I… had a lot of time to think about things, after…” He doesn’t finish that sentence, licking his lips.

“What were you thinking about?” Zane carefully avoids any mention of his death.

“About when the Monastery burned down.” He admits, “The things I said… I just kept thinking about how I never said sorry. I know you said I didn’t need to, but I think you deserve it. From me.” He takes a deep breath, straightens up and squares his shoulders, and speaks with the most conviction he can muster, “I’m really sorry about what I said, Zane… and I’m sorry about the way I treated you. You’re one of my best friends.” He says earnestly.

Zane nods, taking the weight of Kais words. He smiles gently, reaching out to squeeze Kais shoulder reassuringly, “I forgive you, my friend.”

With the apology passed on, Kai seems lighter, smiling brilliantly at his teammate before throwing his arm around him in a tight side-hug. “You’re the best, Zane!”

“I know.” Zane smiles, returning the embrace.

Kai sighs easy, and as the silence stretches he seems to grow a bit more awkward, “Well, I didn't mean to interrupt! I’ll leave you to your book.” he nods to the leather bound book Zane had been studying, standing up with a clap of his hands, “I’ll see you around lunch, yeah?”

“I’m making grilled cheese sandwiches.” Zane confirms, Kai fist pumps as he heads out the door.

Zane hums, sitting back on his bed once again. He picks up his fathers journal and scans the pages slowly, letting his fathers looping handwriting and intricately scribbled doodles fill in the gaps in his mind, memories contextualizing in his head, and tries not to let it bother him.

It was easy for Zane to forgive Kai for whatever rash words he’d thrown against him.

He... didn’t ever remember that happening, anyway.

_______________

He remembers most things, it’s not all been lost when he died. He remembers meeting Master Wu for the first time, he remembers dressing in all black and ambushing Kai that night, he remembers giving Pixal his heart. There’s a lot of little memories in between, smaller things, the day-to-day that still makes its home in his head. He barely remembers his father, those memories damaged long before the overlord, unable to survive past that trauma.

He finds, quite unexpectedly, that he has no memory of the first time he met Jay Walker.

He has the memory of before, Walking up those endless stair with Master Wu (who had been trying to hide how he was looking at Zane, impressed at how he didn’t even seem winded on their way up) and after, When Jay had led him over to the living room to introduce him to Cole. the time between was blank, a record-skip in his mind, the scene transitioning sharply past the moment he first laid eyes on his future friend.

Once he discovers it’s missing, he thinks about it a lot. He wonders what Jay had said to him, what he had said to Jay? Would the boy have commented on his lack of belongings? Would Zane have explained why?

Zane consults another memory. Jay didn’t know he was an orphan. Then what would he have said, when they first met? Jay was anything but unmemorable, how could Zane forget?

He thinks about asking sometimes, or prodding and picking delicately until Jay volunteers the information himself, or even waiting for it to come up in conversation naturally. It never does, really, not in a way that would satisfy the burning itch.

He doesn’t tell him because it would hurt his feelings to know Zane had forgotten him, probably.

He doesn’t really know Jay all that well. Or maybe he did. Was supposed to?

(how many memories is he missing?)

_______________

He’d accepted on Chen's island he wasn’t the white ninja, he’s conquered that fear. He was the titanium ninja, and that was fine, really. He was still Zane, probably, just a different version. He doesn’t want to drag on this existential crisis any longer, so he shuts the door on it and washes his hands of it. He is who he is, Pixal helped him figure that out.

And Cole, too, but Zane would never tell him that.

It’s just that, when he’d been all alone down there in that dungeon, and Pixal had coaxed the shattered and splintered pieces of himself back together, his memory had been… it had been damaged beyond repair long before then, really, he could accept this now. Things had been lost for good. He knew lots of stuff abstractly, that he was a ninja, that he lived in Birchwood Forest at some point, that he had lots of friends and lots of enemies- but there was a disconnect he couldn’t describe, a distance he never told Pixal about.

A chasm made all the more apparent when Cole peeked through those bars and Zane... didn’t recognize him.

But the thing that settles the spiraling, unsettling identity crisis in his chest is that Cole recognizes him.

“You’re alive!” Cole says so confidently that Zane instantly believes it’s true, that there’s no way he couldn’t be the man Cole recognizes, “And you’re silver?”

He can match the face and the voice, he can understand that it’s Cole and commit that to memory, but he didn’t understand who he was looking at the moment he saw him based on the hole riddled, damaged program he’d been working off of now.

“Titanium.” He corrects, and there’s a dissonance with the face in his files and the one before him, “Cole, you look white.” He comments, and Cole just smiles and laughs and says a lot of things about getting Zane home.

The distance in his head closes when Cole calls him lug nut, and the memories are suddenly his again, within his grasp, Cole the one piece of the puzzle he needed to kick-start his code back into working order. His life snapping back into reality instead of a nebulous, intangible thing shaped around him.

This is his secret, not even Pixal had realized what happened, and she’d been in his head. He doesn’t want anyone to know.

It’s fine now, anyway. He can always make more memories.

_______________

“Hey, Zane, do you remember when-”

Probably not.