#because I'm currently trying to sleep
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I need help with finding a tmnt fic that I believe was on ao3. It was one of those fics where the 03 and rottmnt versions meet, but with the rottmnt guts acting like actual animals. No talking, hunting for food, chirping, growling. That type of stuff.
I really want to try and fund it again because I really liked it when the 03 guys mistook Red for being a female because he was taking care of his brothers, and they got to nicknaming him 'Mama'.
If anyone can find it, can you please tell me the title of the book and if it is on ao3?
Please?
#tmnt#tmnt 2003#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt#03 Leo#03 Raph#03 Donnie#03 Mikey#rottmnt Raph#rottmnt Leo#rottmnt Donnie#rottmnt Mikey#animal instints#I'm desperate#and on the verge of crying#because I'm currently trying to sleep#but of course#my brain needs the story and will overwhelm itself if I can't read it tonight
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Scoria and Sakura are best friends! It's so cute when I see the things they do together, and it makes me so beyond happy that they both came to live with me so that they could share their lives with each other. They absolutely insist on it, and does so much good for the other.
I can't imagine how else they could have found happiness if things hadn't worked out exactly as they did. Scoria has basically been Sakura's "emotional support snake" while she worked through things from her past I'll never fully know that caused her a lot of issues with panic and fear. Sakura knows this too, and looks out for her sister, the only one she truly trusts and feels completely safe with.
The moment they wake up they both want each other to snuggle and play with. Scoria loves to be affectionate with both me and her sister who seems to have not had this earlier in her life- but Scoria is showing her how nice it is not only directly but demonstrating with me and Sakura also trying, copying what she has seen her sister do.
Sometimes when one goes to check on the other they'll join in on... I'm not even sure what they were doing. But they had a good time while taking a mandated union break from digging tunnels for the isopods.
So happy I get to share in the adventures of these two best friends! It makes me so happy to see them living their best lives together, and being beyond content snuggled together with their found family.
#cute#pets#snakes#friends#animals#I think Sakura tried copying Scoria and didn't quite get the full memo#So she went down the front bark and Scoria went down the back which leads into diggy dirt#And Sakura was like#“I followed friend into bark but where is friend???”#Meanwhile Scoria was probably oblivious her little sister was trying to find her & she may was well have her front half going into a portal#Eventually they found each other fully#And were very clear they prefer their home far more than this enclosure they helped build tunnels for#I'm glad to know they like their home#While I do want to make it more aesthetically pleasing#the current focus was filling it with things they enjoy#Specifically things they have a lot of fun playing with or on#I want their home to be the place they feel safe but also enjoy being in#not a prison#a bedroom#I think they like their enclosure but they sometimes don't want to go in it because they also really enjoy spending time with me#Scoria really does#but also communicates effectively when she is sleepy from playing and needs to rest#as much as they love each other when they go to sleep for the night they sleep alone#even with the option to stay near each other#I think this is nature rather than something I taught them by separating them into their own enclosures after play time#which makes me wonder if humans classified them as solitary just because they don't want room mates#like plenty of people i know choose to live alone but that doesn't mean they are introverts/solitary#I wonder if wild hoggies sleep alone (not counting brumation) and their social lives outside their den was completely ignored#Like I bet they live in a neighborhood or kingdom or whatever you want to call it#The fact they can communicate“I'm friendly let's be nice to each other”indicates a species that regularly comes into contact with each other
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I really don't have time to be bummed out right now so I made them a little sad instead.
#Sad posting I guess? Ah teh dichotomy of feeling tired while also thinking sleeping is a waste of time. Just so much to do! 😤#connverse#steven quartz universe#connie maheswaran#my shiz#steven universe#su#skedoobles#Messy sketchbook#Also I lost my XpPen nibs. And it's just so out of character of me to not put them where they always were?#It took me this long to realize my screen is scratched up because my current had already worn out. And I can't find the replacement nibs! 😭#I always put my extra nibs in the box where I put my laptop is on top of. But they're not there??? But why would I move them? I#seriously could not remember!#Also just in case I mixed them with my older tab's nibs so I checked it..... Those nibs are missing too! Like. Why on Earth????? Why#would I separate the nibs from the rest of that tab! Everything was tucked away inside that box but the nibs aren't????#I am so confused. I'm the only one who could've moved them. But WHY would I do that???? So uncool past me. So uncool. >:(#Anyway.#I barely am finished a single submission for connverse week. 😅 I'll try finishing at least that one today#chibi
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by far the most vexing part of regular exercise is the need to shower regularly. my standard of personal hygiene is such that i shower when it becomes too uncomfortable to sleep, which i'm sure everyone thinks is gross but like. i do what i gotta do. during my worst autoimmune flares i could go like ten days between showers bc i couldn't stop sleeping & absolutely could not spend energy on Cleaning My Body. nowadays if i exclusively lay in bed, i can go 2-3 days between showers (when it isn't hot) before i feel Yucky. but if i exercise?? fuck me. ya bitch has to get in the wet box every goddamn day. i go out and shamble my crippled ass over a few miles, wandering wherever my ADHD whims take me, and then i have to save enough energy for showering because there's this WHOLE OTHER TASK that i have to do now before i can sleep. otherwise i will be uncomfortably aware of The Sludge and The Slime and The Skin and lay awake for hours. i am TIRED of washing my hair and scrubbing off grime. Let Me Exercise Without Getting Gross!!!
#this could be solved if i swam instead of walking but currently#my swim habits are impeded by executive dysfunction and spotty car access#with walking i can just put on my shoes and leave. dangerous kid impulses turned adult self-care#now i'm sure in a month i'll be back to sedentary flopping because i lack the attention span for long-term habits#but i'm letting the walking bug bite me for as long as it's willing.#just got out of the wet box. which i surrendered to after 3 hours of trying to sleep.#autoimmune tag
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#i feel wretched#as if my whole body's been caught in a current and bashed into every rock and rusted can and broken bottle on the river bed#i am nauseous as fuck#i could not sleep last night and cannot sleep currently#and someone just booked to view our house tomorrow#so i quite literally just rolled off my bed and crawled through the house trying to tidy as much of my art and Xmas and travel shit as i can#while my wife does the bigger cleaning jobs#and i do not have the energy for it. because no sleep. and also i technically have no food in me. do with that what you will#and i think i'm getting a fever again but i'm just pretending it's not happening because i want to shower and get into my pyjamas#and all i wanted to do today was write but i havent been able to#and i wanted to cook a nice dinner but i cant do that either#im gonna try and eat a BISCUIT in a minute and see if my stomach can bear it#and i keep forgetting that i'm overdue my period so that's definitely on the horizon#anyway if the person doesnt put an offer in tomorrow i may genuinely curl up in a ball and cry like a baby#i know this is tmi and i complain way too much btw. this is as brave as i can be about it#anyways im off to crawl to the shower#tbd
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i hate ocd because it's so illogical that most advice to combat it ends up being useless. when i tell people i'm irrationally stressed or paranoid about something they try and explain why it's either very unlikely to happen or why it doesn't make sense to be worried about said thing. and i appreciate the sentiment but the problem is i already know that. once my brain thinks of something to be scared of it will graphically torture me with it until i get completely burnt out or have an episode <3333
#on a sort of related note how do i function without being destroyed by guilt for eating or sleeping#when i should be writing my thesis#logically i know that i need to eat and sleep to function and i know how bad i feel when i don't do it#but i still have a constant thing in my head screaming at me for doing it so it stops me from sleeping bc it's so loud#and that's another ocd thing like it literally is a voice it's like someone screaming non stop and it's painful#80% of the reason i have a constant headache and migraines. my brain is SO LOUD#like please stop screaming at me i promise i am trying my best#also sucks because it can be hard to speak to people because it's like i can't hear properly#like sorry if i seem distracted girl there is literally someone in my head yelling full volume#another ocd thing bothering me recently which is REALLY DUMB#is i have this thing where i get scared to delete photos of my cats bc my brain tells me something bad will happen to them if i do#so my phone storage is SO FULL and even though i have backed up the photos on a hard drive and therefore can delete them#my brain is like nononono if you delete the picture of them they will die and you won't remember them#and i told my mother and she's like you need medication again#and i'm like yes i know but antidepressants make me evil and insane#compared to silly and insane as is my current statee#help
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I do love that I'm both freezing and having the worst back pains.
But at least I still have a roof above my head, right?
#personal#so here's the thing:#i don't think any of the radiators in my apartment are currently working#which kind of sucks bc it's winter in northern europe lmao#one of them had blown a fuse. which i changed yesterday. and now it's cold again. so there's definitely something wrong with it#two of them. which are located in my bedroom/living room combination. have red lights on#but they are both cold and not heating up my apartment. which means i'm freezing here#so it could be a thermostat or something. i don't know#but because my place was a mess. after having worked for a few months and not having energy to do anything else#i had to clean up here yesterday. because i couldn't call my landlord who lives closeby in case he decided to drop in and see#the mess i was living in. to you know. check on those radiators#so anyway. my apartment is pretty okay now. stuff i still need to clean though but it's mostly minor#but i seem to have strained my lower back doing it. or from sleeping in an awkward position because i was cold#the kind of pain i haven't experienced in months which must be a record for me now#but yeah now my lower back hurts. i can't properly crouch or even twist my body to the side without my knees trying to give out#and i've already taken painkillers for it today. which kind of put me to sleep again and had a lovely little nap a while ago#but this is bothersome#i hope my back feels better by tomorrow so i can finish my cleaning and then message my landlord#because i don't want to freeze here anymore xD and i also don't want my houseplants dying because of it so
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That dream I had last night is still bothering me but I just learned how to deal with it (thanks tumblr post I saw 👍) and now I'm drawing something to try and calm down
#I'm learning to regulate my emotions now yayyy :D#and I can't see a psychiatrist or a therapist so i'm having to learn it on tumblr.com/dashboard but that's okay it still works 👍#currently drawing some cute self ship art. because I think it would fix me :3#yes it's almost midnight but i can't risk going to sleep and having another upsetting dream that triggers me again#soooo I'm just taking skme time to try and calm down enough to where I can go to sleep#and be able to guarantee that I won't have anymore dreams like that#also i meant processing my emotions in the first tag oops (I'm very tired as you can probably tell lol)
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(sorry I'm not super here at the moment because I'm just incredibly exhausted for no apparent reason, but I do make tiny frustrating steps towards doing more stuff!!)
#thoughts#trying to balance the “being in vacation to sleep forever” VS “being in vacation to actually do my own stuff for a change”#I wish you'd sleep in pocket dimensions that would slow down time#also also I'm soooo excited for the current scene in thralls#it's the OoT Kneeling/show of fealty one!! and it's everything I hoped for honestly#it's long tho it's like 5'20 so it's taking me some time#but I'm seeing the finish line#if I could gather enough energy tomorrow and monday to lock it down it would be really neat#then I'll share some screenshots because I have some cool ones in this scene!!#I think I'm getting significantly better as I go#which is starting to be a problem for the earlier scenes.....#the never ending cycle :((((
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Me: I have a few FitPac ideas but I don't think I've written that much.
The document:
#The joke here is that this is only one of two documents I have compiling my stuff for them#WAIT NO. THREE. THREE DOCUMENTS#I forgot I had a new idea and pulled up a new document to write in a frenzy#I'm really bad about posting 'ficlets' or things that I don't think are polished 100%#so of this MAYBE I'll wind up with a ~5000 word piece after writing 20000 words or so#I write a lot but only like 5% of what I write ever sees the light of day#I'm still working on the structure rn for the current one and that's always the hardest part#This might wind up being a 5 times or whatever fic because there are too many similar things I want to write but all in a different light#but not different enough to be their own thing#idk I'm tired and stressed rn so I'm dropping this into Word TTS so I can hear it be read back to me while I try to chill & sleep#agh.#i talk#fic talk#qsmp talk#I never write in Word anymore I write in docs now since 90% of my writing these days is on mobile#I just never have time to write#and I can't focus anymore
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#so i finished my 4 out of 4th 12 hour shift in a row last night and i'm literally so exhausted and i was glitching mid simple tasks 🤡✌️#my coworker asked to change shifts so he could have that one specific day as off#and he managed to do some very critical mistakes in his 4 days prior and that's considering his gf is often with him there#and i was the one suffering the consequences even if it's literally not my fault#ever since i've got this job i've been fixing so many mistakes of his i kept wondering who's the newbie here??#like i try to leave my shift as good as possible i clean everything check everything and do all my duties#and when i come here after his shifts it's.. a fucktonne of work mistakes and literal dirt like dude!!!#4 shifts in a row never again man never again i am so tired my brain is nerfed and i can only rest for 1 day today because tomorrow i'm#going to a doc;#my social battery is not just dead it's nonexistent at this point#i just want to lay in bed and not be percieved or interacted with for at least the same amount of days 😫#i really thought i could take a socially demanding and rather multitasking job without it taking hugest toll on my mental state huh???#and i had such a bad sleep too i had a very graphic and sickening nightmare which woke me up 2 hours after i fell asleep#and then i woke 2 more times after that and i feel so exhausted and not rested at all and so fatigued i can't even do anything#man for me my sleep being interrupted is the worst like i function better if i have a smaller amount of sleep but it's uninterrupted#than longer in hours but it gets interrupted and i wake up even once#sorry i come here once in few days vent post and then dissapearvckfkv 😭 i miss tumblr but have no energy currently to even rb anything 🥲#tbd
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If you think Dream's immune system is bad, you should see mine
#usually i just get a cold/covid/the flu/some sort of virus like every other week#but I'm currently trying not to puke going on 3 weeks with the same stupid virus thing#i haven't been able to sleep for the last 2 hours because it feels like my chest and throat are ripping open#and I'm shaking uncontrollably 🫠
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#aaaaaah I can't wait for tomorrow#actually i can#but like miserably#i still have to finish my term paper tho so 🥲#current plan is to be at the venue at 3 pm but tbh it's up to the db gods#the next time i will have more than 5 hours of sleep will be next thursday#alright wait let me start over again#so tomorrow i'm going to berlin for bc#on sunday i'm going to Leipzig and on Wednesday I have VIP for Munich but I have anxiety so I'll be 4 hrs early anyway#and because we're trying to save money (and failing) i only have a hostel for munich :)))#three cheers for sleeping in train stations at 3 in the morning i guess#what doesn't help is that the trams are currently on strike so i'll either have to walk or get a taxi to my apartment#which sucks#anyway and to top it all off i got a bout of the big sad recently so i haven't been able to work on my term paper#which i have to hand in next thursday at the latest#but i only have until today to work on it bc i'll be travelling around until... next thursday when i have to hand it in#this is bad#anyway but enough of that I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING EVERYBODY AGAIN!!!!#and praying that they play red taillights live#that song has been living in my head rent free#as well as not your bro for some reason????
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The universe truly hates me, my dog is doing better (a whole night of sleep!!!) and I was finishing my coffee, ready to start working, and my father called me to talk for an hour 😭
#my dog was sleeping so well and was so quiet#i haven't done much the past 2 days because every time he made a noise i ran to him to check what i could do to help him#but noooo I'm never allowed to do shit#ugh let's see if I can get 3 hours of work at least#just 3 isn't asking much#i technically have another 6 hours to reach that goal#because i try working until 11:30pm now that it's winter and i wake up late#currently I'm not wasting time typing this btw I'm waiting for the stuff i need to warm up to heat because I'm too cold to think 🙃
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I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already
#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol#i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment#i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks#i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled#idk#just get through it i guess#this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left#then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count#finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied#i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November#instead of October#i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine#the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state#so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend#I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself#(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it#while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life)#void screams#(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))
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God I fucking hate crying.
#it's so EMBARRASSING#VULNERABILITY MY BELOATHED!!!!!!!!!!#anyways guess who is in some of the worst pain in his life 🤭#painkillers have done nothing#I can't sleep because it's so painful#and I refuse to go to urgent care unless I'm actually dying#so currently I'm just trying to distract myself
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