#because I’ve done that before. that’s old news. it’s kinda my MO

[strohller27]

.

[sweetswesf]

Hello! My first project is off to an interesting start. My team loved my tech spec. I was getting things done, despite my fear and doubts about if I could do it or not. Team was impressed. There were so many gaps in my understanding of things, but I powered through and have been delivering despite. Turns out, I CAN survive in a new company and code base despite not having any experience in ANY of the tools and languages my new company uses…

I felt relief when my manager came to the conclusion on his own, confirming my beliefs that this was a HUGE project that would take much longer than he 1st expected, but I’ve been learning a lot and as he said today, exemplifying resiliency.

However, it has not been all roses. A few weeks back, I noticed something off about another team’s service I was using, but I didn’t know if it was a me issue, that team’s issue, or the tool’s issue. I raised it, and they kept saying they would fix it. They would say they fixed it, it would look the same, I would raise it again, then they would say, it DOES need to be fixed again, go silent, then say it was fixed and say it’s up to me to make it work. I didn’t know I had pull and I didn’t know it truly was a problem until I got a teammate’s eyes on it. I didn’t want to embarrass them and call them out in meetings, so I said everything was all good. My manager already kinda had beef with them before I joined and made that apparent to me, which reminded me of my old company. Whenever my manager has beef with a team I’m forced to work with, I ALWAYS end up getting burned some how or another. This time was no different.

This service was owned by that colleague I said I had a crush on. I don’t have a crush no mo’, because when my manager asked me to call out the problem with the service in a meeting with my team and his team (including my manager AND his manager), his manager realized it was an issue and was like “get your ish together [my crush’s name].” It was awkward af. I lost sleep trying to document everything and do work arounds and did NOT have context on so many things that happened before I joined. This led to me not representing my team in the best way. It did buy my and the partner teams more time which we all so desperately needed. Timelines that I tried to ask for in the beginning but were told we should be more aggressive on.

My manager sent out an email to him, cc’ing all the attendees of the meeting after that. Was it necessary? Hell no. There’s a law about power that says, “Know when enough is enough.” I don’t think my manager knows that. Or maybe it’s company culture. Idk. I was more than willing to take the blame for it or make it work, hence why I didn’t raise no alarms. But I did tell him multiple times and gave him plenty of time to fix it. My TEAM told me to raise it publicly after that.

Needless to say, he is less than happy with me. He hasn’t said that, but his ruffled brow in the meeting and tone def changed. He’s much more responsive to any question I have. Goes above & beyond. He wanted to be the quickest to be promoted to L6 since he was the first ever promoted in the company from L4 to L5. Maybe he feels he’s lost that now. And he may be right. Any screw up here and it seems like you get punished disproportionately as an example for others. Needless to say, I don’t like that about the culture…

I thought about hitting dude up offline and chatting about it, but I felt like that would have been unprofessional. Sorta like how Macklemore sent Kendrick Lamar a “you should have won the rap Grammy instead of me” text and tweeted that out so other people could see lol. Damage was done. I gave him a heads up and felt the discussion could wait for our 1:1, but he rescheduled it to next. It’ll be weeks since the meeting. I think he thinks I maybe tried to embarrass him? But how could he, because I told him in private multiple times WEEKS before my manager asked about it. So there was nothing more to say.

This isn’t quite me, but I’d love to get to this level. I thought I was better than I thought, but I care more than I should what my colleagues think of me. I’m moving despite. I know they think I’m annoying af. I’d kinda hate me too lol. I’m not a wizard with this stuff, and I struggle, but I’mma try…I’m learning being a people pleaser isn’t helping me. I don’t think I have to be rude either, but I don’t have to feel bad when people are called out in my defense. I always come with the best intentions. I don’t know how I could have prevented the situation from getting to that point because I told him multiple times and got verbal confirmation he knew it was a problem and he said he fixed it multiple times and it still wasn’t. My manager was the one that told me to call the meeting with his manager.

Shortly after that, I found a few OTHER issues. I’ve never been the one to find the flaws in something. Usually it’s me being called out for making the flaws, so maybe that’s what also discouraged me from thinking it was a problem that I couldn’t fix on my own.

We have our 1:1 next week. There’s nothing for me to apologize for this time. I can’t trust him now anymore and it was already thin.

I can’t trust no one really. Not even the other Black woman on my team I knew before I joined who I heard had beef with the team and manager before I started. She constantly be asking me if I like our manager. I know what she’s trying to do. I’m not falling for that trap. I have my feelings about it, but you not gone know. I’m an empath, but I am trying to be less of an emotional sucker all around. Being nice don’t get you too far. Kind. Always. But don’t get caught slipping, because people like to take advantage of you when you come with a pure heart. Don’t stoop to their level or be closed off, but don’t let everyone in…

Feedback I received in private was, I should have rang alarms sooner. But I did above my due diligence and did damn well the best I could considering all that was on my plate! To be honest, I feel like the feedback to both me and him was to deflect from the not so great decision to agree to a timeline before I joined the team and before I hopped on the project.

I’m tired y’all. I get about 4/5 hours of sleep a night. I haven’t really hung out with the new “friends” I made, but things were looking shady anyway when I realized they had a group chat, would discuss me in it, never invite me, but they each would invite me to the same events individually. Just put me in the chat. I don’t get it. I don’t trust lol.

I go to work, I come home, I eat, I watch a few YouTube videos, I nap for 1-3 hours because I am dog tired, and hop back on the computer. I finish my self-imposed second shift around midnight - 2 AM which leaves me dog tired in the morning and throughout my day.

I’m grateful for what I have and what I prayed for, but just wish I was faster. They move FAST and it honestly at times be having me like, is this what God wants me to be doing?

I have to pray a lot about it. Sundays I spend washing my hair, going to church, and going to the mall. Saturdays I either am in an online shopping hole or YouTube hole, or I work. I told myself to sacrifice for the next 2 years, but I need balance. I want to get quicker, and stop making excuses, but I have to deliver.

I haven’t been going nuts with the online shopping. Just buying clothes so that I don’t look like a slob in t-shirts. I’ll be 31 soon and want to dress smart casually. I feel it’s respectful to myself and the folks around me.

When I doubt if I’m doing what I should be, I try to ask myself of a few things:

- Does it bring Him glory?

- Can I grow His kingdom with it?

- Does it allow me to have community?

- Does it challenge and grow me?

- Is it something I want to do?

- Does it allow me to have balance?

I can try harder to say yes to the last question. I’m also pondering, “Did He bring me to it, or am I forcing it to happen?,” because I was told no the first time I applied and reached out to a few people to try again. Was that all a part of His plan, or did I force it? I’m trusting Him though; as long as I just try my best, keep in good relationship with Him, remain confident, and let Him guide my steps, and don’t give up, I’ll end up where I’m supposed to. When you’re doing well, the devil likes to distract you. I can complain about the stares I get, the awkward silences, focus on how much I may not like where I’m at, but it’s not productive. God wants me to focus. I’m trying really hard to not let my past fool me, not revive old habits, and change the things I feel need to change for this next level.

I find myself also thinking a lot these days: what good is it if I am able to buy a house and retire years from now if I have to sacrifice seeing family, making REAL friends, doing the work I could be to grow the kingdom, and when so many who work harder won’t have the same because the economy has us all working HARD for scraps? I don’t have scraps. I’m grateful for my blessings. But I work a LOT of hours. So many people are getting laid off (I was one), and yet, businesses and CEOs are richer than they’ve ever been. The math ain’t mathing…and who typically suffers once the top suffers? All of us…

Like Mos Def says over & over @ the end: “I want my people to be free…that’s all that matters to me…”

My mom mentioned how she used to be able not to take work home. I can’t survive here if I DONT work after work. It’s not sustainable…

Will I have time to breathe? Will I get my Saturdays back? Can I have them now if I didn’t procrastinate from work laying in bed on YouTube on my Saturdays because I’m so exhausted and doing that saves me money? God’s got it handled. I shouldn’t worry about scenarios that may never happen or questions God has already found the answers for.

Something’s gotta change :)

By the way, I saw the dude and ex-colleague I had intercourse with for the first time at a parade in Oakland. He locked up and tried to act like He didn’t see me. I didn’t get that mistaken. It was pretty obvious. I had a similar interaction JUST today. One of my teammates who has given me a bit of the cold shoulder from day 1 has been OOO for 2 days this week. She is based in LA but came into the office in the Bay where I am. I’m the only one on the team in that office. She knows that. She didn’t reach out. When I saw her, I spoke and told her I didn’t know she was coming. She said “yeah, I’m still on OOO.” I felt like it was key-word for “don’t say nothing.” I didn’t. She grabbed lunch with a colleague on another team. Something smells funny, but I’m so checked out and need to focus on MY plate that I ain’t even got the time to ponder. Whatever the heck is going on AINT my business and AIN’T gone make my situation easier.

I came across a quote that I’ve been remembering from time to time: “God assigned you this mountain so you can show others it can be moved.” I would have loved to hop into a role using all the same tools I did before, but God had a different plan. I think He knows I’m trying. He’s got a plan for it. God never wants to set me up for failure. I do wonder if I should have invested more time. I can’t dwell on the past though and have to keep trying for today. I need to do less worrying and more believing. I’ve been alright so far…

A new guy started this week. He’s visiting LA soon. I told him I’m from South LA, in a city where Compton is east of it and Long Beach is south of it. He heard Compton and his face lit up: “Would I be safe in Compton?!” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Chile…

Anyway, showed him grace and told him it’s still got its activity, but for the most part, it’s just like any other city. It has been overhyped in the media but it has million dollar homes. And that’s a fact. I can’t afford to buy a home in Compton and I get paid very well. The economy is another topic for another day chile…

Anyway, despite this comment, I knew not to judge. It is only his 4th day and he already demo’d work. And it reminded me how it took me 4 weeks before I pushed code on the team’s services. It was high key embarrassing. It reminded me to stop playing scared. But I don’t know if I was truly scared back then or if I didn’t want to embarrass myself so quickly, because I figured it would be tough. I guess I just have to listen to God more. And stop comparing myself…I congratulated him. Genuinely.

I know for a fact that taking that time to learn and ease into things helped set me up for this behemoth of a project…

I’m working so hard…y’all pray for me. I’m praying for you, reader…

God bless.

[beskarberry]

Silver and Steel

Bargaining with Beskar, Chapter 2 (The Mandalorian x f!reader)

It was then you noticed the open wall next to you. The steel panel was slid open to reveal a vault packed corner to corner with more firepower than you had ever seen in one place. Your eyes roamed from blaster to rifle to flamethrower, noticing that not all of them were made for five fingered hands. This wasn't just an armory, it was a trophy case.

Rating: Explicit

Word count: 7.5k

Content warnings: ALOT. Descriptions of violence (a little spicier than canon) blood mention, near death experiences, hurt/COMFORT, fluff, smut exhaustion sex, top!reader.

A/N: I hope y’all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it but yeah PLEASE READ THOSE CONTENT WARNINGS!! It all works out ok in the end! Also good chunks of this was inspired by a particular filk song called Call the Navigator which I’ll link in the replies so the external link doesn’t ef up my post.

<-Previous Next->

"Med pack... junk....junk....spotchka?....is that all you've got?"

You were bent over a deep supply crate, your legs barely touching the ground while you dug through what you had hoped would be the food stock. There were several banged up tins of rations and a handful of miscellaneous junk, but nothing that looked real food. You were clean and dry after your shower, but the energy that had been spent in this very supply room just an hour or so earlier had to be replenished. "Where’s the rest of it?"

The silence coming from the cockpit was expected, but still frustrating. With a huff you grabbed two food tins and made your way through the old ship towards the ladder. At the top though a small antechamber you found your new comrade seated in the pilot chair, fussing with the buttons on the console. On either side and slightly behind his chair were two other passenger seats, though the one on his left was missing a good deal of padding. The cockpit was poorly lit save for the lighted console and the dusty starlight overhead. Though you were in the air, you could tell you were still on Tatooine. Hooray. Why are we still here? The great Dune Sea stretched out on all sides, sparsely dotted with sand people villages, but you couldn’t see any of the large space ports such as Mos Eisley or Mos Espa. In the ships’ darkness you couldn't tell what the lumpy thing was in the other chair, probably blankets or laundry. You went to toss it off the seat when a pair of huge black orbs peeped out from the heap of fabric.

"The fuck is THAT?!" You rocketed backwards, dropping the food tins in the process. The bug eyed creature made a soft cooing noise and lifted the rest of the blanket off itself, allowing two gigantic green ears to pop into view. It didn't look like a threat, in fact it looked kinda cute, but you knew it could still be dangerous. A pair of stubby three-fingered hands made grabby motions at you, the little creature giggling at your bewildered face. " Where'd you find this thing, is it some kind of pet?"

"He's not a pet." Finished fiddling with the console, Mando turned in his chair to readjust the blanket that had slumped off of the small beastie. It squealed happily and wiggled in its comfy cocoon before noticing the food tins that were still on the floor. He pointed the tiniest claw at them and chirped at you, demanding to be fed. "You'd better give him one of those before he gets mad."

It took you a moment to process what he said before scooping one of the tins off the floor, peeling back the lid and placing the dish in the seat next to the little thing. He greedily scooped the mystery mash into his tiny toothy mouth, gibbering between bites. You picked the remaining tin off the floor and leaned against the door frame, watching it happily chow down.

"If it's not a pet then what is it?"

"He's my..." the Mandalorian paused, fishing for the right words to say, "...he is my child."

That was not at all the answer you expected, if he had said emotional support gremlin you would have been less confused. The baby was still making a mess of his dinner, almost dropping his plate before Mando snatched it and set it carefully back in his lap. You had seen first hand that there was a human under all that metal plating, and your tired brain fizzled trying to make the connection between the two very different beings. Mando could tell by your puzzled face that he had some explaining to do.

He told you the tale of how he had been charged to bring the baby in as a high credit bounty, but after he used the reward to get new armor he went back and stole the child away from its captors. He talked about the Mandalorian concept of a 'foundling' and that he himself was one too. At some point you had popped your food tin open and started eating, though you were so captivated by his story that you couldn't remember doing so. When he'd finished you set your empty dish on the busted chair and gently held your hand out for the child to grab with one mush covered paw, who babbled excitedly at his new friend.

Behind you his parental guardian was rigid, ready to take you out if you made one wrong move against his precious cargo. Though he had been the one to steal you away and forgo freezing you in carbonite he still didn’t exactly trust you, your reputation as a hunter-killer was what had driven your bounty so high. He knew you were disarmed, but what else could you be capable of? However, you weren't paying mama-hen Mando any mind. Instead you let the baby play with your hand a bit before he returned to his food. You decided that the only place left to sit was on the floor. Squished into the tiny space between the passenger and pilot seats was cramped, but it gave you a fantastic view out the rounded transperisteel window into the vastness of the night sky.

“Your story sounds awful familiar.” You turned your attention to the metal clad man, watching him fidget with the steering controls. “You abandoned a guild reward for anothers wellbeing, like I did. Someone that didn’t deserve to be dragged back in cuffs. Is that why you picked up the puck on me? Some kind of kindred spirit something or other?”

“We’re nothing alike.” He was watching out the window, focused on flying the ship to unknown destinations, but he was bouncing the leg farthest away from you. So when the cogwheels turn in your head, the machine moves somewhere else. If you hadn’t experienced his human body first hand you could have easily convinced yourself he was a droid.

“Now that’s not true. You told the guild to get fucked because your moral compass was pointing the other way. I didn't just let that quarry go y'know? It was more than that. There was... there was someone she had to get back to. And the New Republic was just gonna lock her ass up and for what? It wasn't right." You remembered that Togruta woman, pointing a blaster at you with tears in her eyes and her belly swollen with a child that did not belong to the man she was being forced to marry. A few thousand credits weren’t worth another child being made an orphan, and you gave her your ship to escape in while you led hunters on a wild-bantha chase away from her. You knew it drove the guild insane but you wouldn’t have it any other way. A tiny green foot poked itself out from under the blankets by your head, bringing you out of your reverie. On reflex you tucked it back into the safety of his blankies.

Though you thankfully didn’t remember much of your early childhood, you knew you had come from Corellia. You didn’t know if you had parents or siblings, but there had been many other young street urchins in your alley behind the shipyard, and all you had then were each other. You never planned on having any kids yourself, but they were still something to be protected. At all costs, if necessary. “I’m guessing this little dude is happy with that decision.”

Mando had begun to take the ship closer to the ground, it was almost totally dark outside but you could see on the radar there was a large mountainous formation up ahead. Carefully, he landed the beat up craft on a sturdy outcropping of rocks, kicking up whirlwinds of dust and sand. Far out over the sand you could see a collection of lumpy looking ruins that were slowly succumbing to the march of the dunes. You guessed this was where your quarry was hiding out.

The baby was starting to get sleepy, his huge eyes disappearing slowly as the weight of his eyelids became too much. His little head rolled forward, threatening to toss him off his seat. Your big mean bounty hunter heart couldn’t take it, so you scrambled to your feet and scooped the baby up in your arms, sitting down in his seat to get him situated in your lap. He fussed and squirmed a bit, but you had learned a no-fail trick from the Corellian ship builders that would often help to sneak orphaned children onto their ships and off that skughole of a planet towards a better life. Many years ago they had done the same for you.

“Oh, I have sailed the midnight sea from Hoth to Arvala-5.

Seen the Cloudshape Falls of Alderaan, met rocks that were alive.

But soon I came to realize as world to world I roamed,

That nowhere in the galaxy could really be my home.”

The songs you knew were often sang by whole crews of starship sailors, loud enough to shake their durasteel walls, but you dropped your voice low and soft to turn the star-shanty into a lullaby. The baby was watching you with glittering eyes, he had stopped his wiggling and curled up tightly against your chest.

“So call the navigator, set the course and go!

We've stars and planets to explore, my wild heart tells me so.

Beneath the metal decking I can hear the engine sigh

And all I need is a mighty ship and a staaaa-aarr to guide her by”

A tiny yawn betrayed his wondrous eyes, and he gave up and closed them shut, rubbing his little hands on his face. You lowered your voice to almost a whisper.

“I've seen a million beauties and I've known a million fears,

And life is what I've found between the laughter and the tears.

Still I will sail the last frontier through worlds both tame and wild,

And marvel at their strangeness with the wonder of a child”

Soft snores were your only applause, the baby having drifted off mid stanza. You hummed a few more lines of the song to be sure he was asleep. The cockpit was as dark as the surrounding sky, but the glint of silver caught your attention. Starlight reflected off the beskar plates in a way that made the black of his visor seem darker than the heart of a collapsed star, and just as deadly. The Mandalorian was watching you intently, completely motionless.

The precious moment with the baby had made you very forgetful of the dangerous situation you were actually in. You had been captured, you were this man’s prisoner and yet here you were all cozy in the chair with his adopted son in your lap. You glared back at him, matching his fierce gaze when the little green bundle moved to get more comfortable, one tiny hand catching claws in the top you were wearing; a tunic that did not belong to you.

“Here, you take him then.” Your voice was hushed so as not to wake the child, and you raised him up gently to try and unhook him from your shirt. Immediately there were two gloved hands coming to lift the baby off of your lap. He was a monolith of leather and metal, but the way he pulled his son in close was so gentle that all the ferocity of his profession dissipated like mist. Mando carefully tucked the blanket under the sleeping little baby and wrapped him up tight before slowly turning away from you and the flight deck to head down the ladder in total silence, leaving you alone in the dark.

You watched him go, the top of his shiny silver head disappearing into the floor. Without the sounds of life in the cockpit the quiet of the night weighed heavy on your ears. He still hadn’t told you why he had kept you out of the carbonite, all you had done was let him use you as his personal play-thing... and maybe murder off some of his bounty hunting competition, but that wasn’t much to go off of. You had done worse for much less. Put your skills to better use, that’s what he had said. Absently you toyed with the end of your sleeve, no, not your sleeve. His sleeve.

That was another thing, what reason did he have to show you hospitality when his first interaction with you had been so violent? Binding you and marching your ass through the desert after he had fucking shot you. Your escape plan had almost worked, ha! All you would’ve had to do is tire him out and run but that had backfired entirely. The apex of your thighs still thrummed with sensation, warm and blissful. Though you’d had lovers in the past you usually didn’t still feel them so deeply afterwards. The smell of the fresher soap still clung to your body and clothes. Clutching at the collar of your sweater you pulled it to your face and breathed deep, letting the heady scent of it fill your lungs.

“Let’s go. We have work to do.” The modulated voice coming from the ladder startled you from your guilty indulgence and sprang you to your feet, but the source of the voice was already back down the ladder. You sheepishly followed suit.

“You plan on telling me what we’re up to exactly?” Down below the Mandalorian was loading himself with ammunition, each and every slot on his many bandoliers was packed to the brim with charges. His pulse rifle was slung over one shoulder, clanking up against a new piece of equipment you hadn’t seen before. Some kind of jet pack maybe.

“I have two bounties to catch on Tatooine. One of them conveniently fell into a sarlacc pit. The other one's hiding out down there." A bounty fob blinked red in his hand; quick flashes indicated that the target was close by. “If you help me with this, you’re off the hook. I’ll tell Karga you’re dead and the guild will stop sending hunters after you. But-” He turned to face you, he was holding your beat-up old back pack by one ratty leather strap. "If for one second I think you'll turn against me, I'll take the half credits for your corpse."

"You're one to talk!" You hissed, storming up to the gunslinger with the ferocity of a lothcat. "You kidnapped me! I didn't ask to be here."

The man in question didn't budge under your verbal assault. "Do we have a deal or not?"

He forced your backpack into your arms to accentuate his point. You ripped it from his grasp and stormed to the other side of the cabin. Everything was still inside; a pack of bacta patches, a few mementos, three busted tracking fobs and some blaster charges. Speaking of blaster-

"Where’s my gun, Mando?" Your question was answered when you turned back to face him. He was holding it by its barrel, extending the grip towards you. You met his visor with contempt, but took the old blaster from him carefully as not to cause a misfire. It would be nice to not be on the run from a guild you had pledged your loyal services to for so many years, that now wanted you delivered back to them in carbonite; and you knew that Karga would trust his favorite hunter. The life of a moisture farmer wasn’t what you dreamed of when you escaped Corellia. Fuck that. "Yeah, it's a deal. One hunt and I'm gone."

It was then you noticed the open wall next to you. The steel panel was slid open to reveal a vault packed corner to corner with more firepower than you had ever seen in one place. Your eyes roamed from blaster to rifle to flamethrower, noticing that not all of them were made for five fingered hands. This wasn't just an armory, it was a trophy case.

If he didn't want you to ogle his wares he should have closed the panel, but instead he joined you at the wall, picking up some extra plasma cartridges and a vibroblade with a curved handle, which he pushed into your hands. "Will that be enough?"

Either you trust me or you don't, pick a side, tin can. You didn't answer him right away, opting to pull a chest holster and another couple of blasters down from the wall. You cinched the holsters tight and tucked a blaster in on either side, slung a disruptor over your back and stuffed the knife in your boot. Once you had everything in place you stuck your fists on your hips like a superhero with a confidant nod. "Yeah, that should be good."

Mando was watching you with intensity, his visor going over each of your weapon choices. He tugged on your holsters’ cross straps to make sure they were secured. You rolled your eyes at him, "I know how to dress myself, sir."

No answer. Typical. He stopped fussing with your straps and turned back to the wall, selecting a heavy multi-ammo bandolier. He stepped closer to you, wrapping both arms around your waist to fit the belt in place on your hips. You tried to convince yourself that it was the cool beskar of his chest plate pressed up against you that sent a shiver down your spine. The physical contact was over as quickly as it had been initiated, and then he was back in the vault fishing out the tiny silver explosives that fit neatly into the circular latches on either side of your belt, handing them to you without a word. Finished with his selection he pressed a few buttons on his vambrace, one to slide the armory shut and another to summon an egg-shaped hover crib to float to his side. Inside its shell the child was sound asleep, a heart-melting smile on his tiny little face. As adorable as he was, you furrowed your brow in confusion.

“Is he coming too?”

“Where I go, he goes.” Mando said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He strode back to the supply crate you had been digging through earlier and packed a handful of rations into a bag for the journey through the dunes. Cool desert air gusted into the stuffy cabin as the access ramp fell open, and the three of you headed out into the darkness of Tatooine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your dreams were hazy and feverish, shots of blaster fire flickered through the fog from unknown assailants. The smell of blood and blast plasma strong in your nose even while unconscious. You saw the sneering face of a Twi’lek twist in agony and purple blood painted his face before he winked out of existence, replaced in your mindscape with bloody hands. Your hands. Then there was cold beskar on your cheek and strong arms hauling you from the carnage. Harsh wind in your ears and the ground spiraling away beneath you. The howling wind so loud you couldn't hear the questions being barked in your face. Pain, the smell of burning skin, then nothing. You felt objects moving frantically nearby, and something soft and green was pressing into your ribs. Your eyes, heavy as they were, fluttered open to see two huge black orbs staring up from your side where bright red blood was staining the sheets under you. Is that ... my blood?

“Hey green bean...what’cha up to?” Your voice was hoarse and weak, scratching its way out reluctantly past chapped lips. Talking made your head pound, you reached up to cradle your aching skull when two leather tipped hands caught yours and held them steady.

“Easy... Don’t move too much. Please.” Your hands were gently set back down at your sides, shooting pain up your arms. A large black and silver body was hunched beside you, frantically sticking bacta patches to your skin.

“Mand...do? What…what happened?” Your voice was barely a whisper, so faint the recycled air of the cabin threatened to whisk it away.

“You got the bastard, but that fucking Twi' managed to get a shot off in your gut point blank before he went down. You shouldn't have survived that but you did.” Is that a compliment? He was wrapping a long gauze bandage around your arm, fixing the bacta patches in place so they could do their thing. It hurt, but not as much as you thought it should have. Down by your side the child had rolled into you face first, passed out cold next to an emergency cauterizer. Mando nodded at his sleeping son, “And if it wasn’t for him, you’d be dead for sure.” 

The baby? How is he involved with this? Thoughts echoed loudly in your skull, and you decided that thinky time was over. The little guy had the right idea, you should sleep now, embrace the comfort of the dark behind your eyes, let it swallow you whole.

“Hey hey hey! Not yet. Stay with me, ok? You need to drink something. Here.” An armored hand slid under your head, urging you to sit up just enough to take a drink out of the metal canteen pressed against your lips. “You need to stay awake, just for a little while.” Cool water graced your dry mouth and dripped onto your chin. Embarrassed by your mess you tried to wipe the droplets away but once again your arms were halted in place. A rough piece of fabric dabbed at your face.

“I’m not a baby, Mando. I can take care of myself.” The creeping sting of blast-burn that still scalded your skin told you that might not be true. The bacta was just starting to seep into your bloodstream, but it would take some time to work its magic.

“I know that. I was with you down there in the fray. A rancor would have been less terrifying to face than you. But right now I need you to hold still.”

Another compliment? Or was that sarcasm? You’re losing your edge, tin man. You tried to roll your eyes but the effort made your head spin; you glanced around the cabin, trying to avoid meeting the visor that was pinning you to the cot. Strewn about the floor of the ship was what was left of your holsters and weapons, splattered with red and purple blood. You couldn’t be sure, but it looked like one belt had been blasted to smithereens, torn strips of leather the only indication it had been there at all. Farther away you saw a dark block in the carbonite freezer. The Twi’lek from your nightmare was frozen solid, though from his limp posture you guessed he had stopped moving long before he was put in the chamber. One of his long lekku had been cut clean off, and even in carbonite you could see the wound was fresh. Something long and curved stuck victoriously out of the center of his chest. Your vibroblade, lodged to the hilt in his sternum.

Mando was still kneeling on the floor by your side, and though you couldn’t see his face his hunched shoulders gave you the feeling that he was distraught. He still had your head resting in his palm, his thumb absently toying with your hair. Maybe it was the bacta running through your system that made you start to feel warm and gooey on the inside, but the sensation of his hand on your scalp felt... nice. Nice to be touched in a way that wasn't just for survival. Though you had already felt his hands on your body this was something else entirely. Sincere. Maybe it was just the first time somebody near you wasn't trying to kill or capture you. You foolish girl, you've already been captured. Are you so lonely that a gentle touch makes you melt? Maybe it's you that's losing your edge.

"You should have left me for dead, cashed in on that half credit reward."

"That is not The Way." His mantra was rehearsed, spoken as easily as he drew breath, but you could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

“Well... thank you for not letting me bleed out.” You could see the top of the baby's green little noggin still curled up against your side, though the part of your ribs he was leaning on didn’t have a single mark. You looked for the blast wound that Mando was supposedly talking about, but aside from a handful of plasma burns your skin was smooth and healthy; the pool of dried blood under you was the only indication anything had been there at all. What kind of mando magic is that? And what did he mean about the child? Your first thought was how disappointed you were there wouldn’t be a good scar. Your second was realizing your top was missing. Shreds of it were still on your shoulders, but the front had been ripped off completely to get to your vanished wounds. Mando seemed like he didn’t even care, he had been so focused on patching you up that the idea of modesty was thrown out the window, but you couldn’t help teasing him. “There’s not a scratch on me, Mando. You just wanted me topless, didn’t you?”

His thumb on your scalp froze, his visor going from your face to your chest with rapid snaps. Without letting your head drop he used his other hand to tear his cloak from his back and throw it over you and the sleeping baby. “Better?”

Party pooper. “Yes, thank you.” Why is he being so nice? He must have ulterior motives, right? Why keep me alive if not to cash in on that bounty? You decided to push his buttons some more. “This bed sucks. Is this why you're so crotchety? Because you sleep on this Maker-forsaken thing? It’s making my back hurt.”

The cot you were on was spartan at best, more of a cloth covered bucket than a bed. It was recessed into the wall opposite of the armory, bits of machinery and droid parts hanging over the space above you. There wasn’t much of a gap between your head and the durasteel plating of the ship’s hull. Your teasing was rewarded with a long, tired sigh. The hand that cushioned your head moved down to your shoulders, pushing on you so that you sat up straight. You scooped the baby off of your side and into your arms, trying to ignore the dried blood from your wounds that stained the sheets before swaddling the sleeping bean in his father’s cloak. The metal man rose from the floor, letting go of you just long enough to remove his cross-belts and unlatch his chest plate, setting them on the floor with a dull thunk. He squished himself between the wall and your back, his dorsal plate scraping loudly without its cape. He scooched one armored leg around you until it was between your hip and the wall on your side, pulling you into his lap and turning his whole body into a pillow, letting your torso rest on his. He was used to the sharp metal bed frame, but that didn’t mean you should be subjected to it.

“Is this ok?”

You could only nod, your cheeks flushing red with a mix of emotions. It was more than ok, his formidable body was warm and comfortable. His arms wrapped around your waist, helping to support not only you but also his foundling. The spice of him was strong now with him on your back, worn leather and metal and that damn fresher soap that was making a fool out of you. Underneath his steady breathing the sound of something rhythmic caught your attention, it was quick and faint, but unmistakably the sound of his heartbeat. His heart is racing. Listen to that engine purr.

Behind you a man with a name you may never know watched your chest slowly rise and fall with each breath, not with lust but something unfamiliar though not unwelcome. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, whether from the ordeal of keeping you alive or the fact that you were in his arms again he couldn't be sure. He sighed, trying to convince himself to calm down, but the deep breath he took only flooded his senses with the essence of you, threatening to melt the beskar off his head with the heat rushing to his face. He couldn't help the way his fingers traced over your skin, careful not to undo any of the bacta patches. He jumped slightly when your hands found his, but the weight of the child still in your arms made it difficult to reach your fingers. The glove you were touching was suddenly empty, and a bare hand snaked out from under the cloak that kept you modest. With the press of a button the child’s pram floated its way over to you from the supply crates. The baby’s adopted father carefully lifted the sleeping creature off your lap and into his hover crib, another button press on the vambrace and the shield door slid closed.

His hand returned to the safety of the cloak, pulling the other glove off before finding your fingers again. His skin was so warm you couldn't help but imagine his hands somewhere more intimate. Evil, evil bacta... Maybe you wouldn't have to.

"I should thank you properly." It was impossible to hide the tiredness of your voice, but he was close enough you only needed to whisper. His grasp tightened around you, your once plush pillow was now a rigid wall of muscle.

"You should go to sleep." the sound of his baritone words so close to your ear made your skin prickle. Too late for that. Slowly you guided his hand down your belly until your tangled hands bumped into your belt line. A low growl rumbled out of the modulator.  “Cyar'ika... you need to rest."

The alien term of endearment made you hum, but you ignored his words of warning and pushed his hand under the tough fabric till his fingertips found your heat, both of you gasping softly at first contact. His free hand fumbled with your button, and after some difficulty you undid it for him along with the zipper. With space to work, with his wrist moved freely, lazily rolling a calloused fingertip against your clit; remembering his lesson from the first time he experienced your body, his touch was light as a feather.

There wasn’t much you could do for him in the position you were in, so you leaned back against him and relaxed, letting him enjoy you at his own pace. The bottom of his helmet was pressed into the crook of your neck, and though it was sharp you could feel something warm and soft underneath it. So there is a real man under there. Scruffy stubble brushed at your skin and sent goosebumps down your chest. Under the beskar his eyes followed the prickling trail that lead under the tattered cloak you still wore to your breasts, watching the way the fabric pointed where your nipples grew hard for him. His other hand couldn’t resist finding its way to your pert peaks, rolling them between his fingers in that way he knew flushed you with heat. Soft gasps rewarded his ears as he worked at your breast and clit, rubbing them in tandem. Your hips rolled into one hand and your back arched into the other, urging him to help you build your climax. He obliged, adding a second finger to pinch your clit softly between strong digits until you fell apart around him.

The pressure that was building behind you and pressing into your spine told you that if you wanted more from him you would have to give him a better angle. You started to get up, but the hands on your sensitive spots held you in place.

“What about your injuries? I don’t want to hurt you.” What injuries? There’s nothing left! His voice was filled with sincerity, a far cry from your first encounter. You didn’t answer him, instead you found each of his hands and squeezed them with a hum, asking him to trust that the bacta had set in and made you comfortable enough to move from your impromptu med bay. He slid his fingers out from your burning core, dragging the wetness from your cunt over your skin until his palms were on your back, helping to push you up off of him. The teeny tiny bed frame made it difficult to spin yourself around until you were facing him, and even more difficult to kick your pants off as you passed over top of him, but he never took his hands away from you to keep you steady until you were seated in his lap.

Straddling his waist you rolled your hips over where his cock was hidden from you, making him shudder under your legs. His arms glided from your knees to your hips, languidly making their way up your sides and past your breasts to the last remaining tatters of the black knit sweater he had allowed you to wear. Hooking a thumb under its ruined edges, he slid it up over your arms and cast it away into the darkness of the ship. His hands went right back to working at your breasts, massaging them like dough in time with your grinding hips. You took a moment to admire how he looked underneath you, his remaining armor glinting in the hazy ship light as his hands searched for every sensitive inch of your chest. You knew from legend that his helmet could never be removed in front of you, but you’d never heard anything about the rest of his clothes. Where his chest plate had been was a strappy flak jacket dotted with magnetic fasteners. Your hands went slowly to the first clasp, and the hands that were so indulged in you froze, his body stiff between your legs.

“Is this ok?” The irony of you repeating his question from earlier back to him made your lips turn in a sly smile. 

“Y-yes.” His voice was nearly imperceptible, and you realized that he was shaking. You looked to his visor, watching him nod in consent before you continued. He dropped his hands to your hips, pulling down on your thighs and rutting up into you while you busied yourself with the complicated under armor until it fell away at his sides, revealing a pair of suspenders and an identical black knit tunic as the one that had been shredded off of you. You didn’t have the energy to peel every article of clothing off of him, so this would have to do. Without his cloak bunched around his shoulders you were able to see the flesh of his throat, so warm and inviting that you wanted to sink your teeth into it.

You bent down to nibble at the exposed skin, and the filthy moan that rattled out of the helmet sent shivers down your spine. The taste of him was exquisite, better than you could have imagined under all that fabric and leather. The overwhelming cocktail of his scent straight from the source made you bold. You kissed your way around the edge of his helmet where the metal met his skin until you found his pulse point and made good on your desires. His body convulsed when you bit down, sucking at the tender skin until you left blooming marks that would be there for days.

“Cyar'ika... Please...“ There was that word again, you didn’t know what it meant but the way he breathed it like a prayer felt like warm honey in your belly. Releasing his tormented neck you ran your hands down his broad chest until your thumbs bumped the leather suspenders that lead you down to his waist line where you were able to tug the edge of his shirt free, giving you a delicious window of his tummy; well-muscled and dusted with dark brown hair. 

“What’s wrong, tin man? Nobody ever touch you like this before?” He was still shaking while you ran your hands under the edge of his shirt and through the soft treasure trail of fuzz from the top of his belt line to the bottom of his ribs. He couldn’t answer you, his breath caught in his throat at the sensation of your hands on his skin, but you were starting to put the pieces of his puzzle together. No, probably not.

You decided not to torture him any longer. The fabric of his pants was nearly stretched to capacity and wet with your slick. You had to stretch one leg out onto the floor to get enough of a footing to lift yourself high enough off him that you could free him from the canvas prison. His cock nearly burst out of its confines, and your face flushed red at the sight of him standing proudly at attention, twitching in your hands with a flood of shimmering precum made just for you.

His chest was heaving, ragged breaths forcing their way out of his modulator before you’d even taken his length. You used your hips to notch him at your entrance and his grip on your thighs clenched like a steel trap. Slowly you lowered yourself onto him, letting him fill you until you were stretched wide. Your eyes met his visor, though from the way it was tilted you knew he was watching himself disappear into you. His arms wrapped tightly under your ass as he thrust into you hard enough that he lifted you off the cot, quickly scooting both your bodies down the bed until he was flat on his back. You tried to stay upright, but his pounding soon had your head spinning until you were falling forward into his chest, digging your arms around his shoulders in a way you were becoming familiar with. Your hands found their way to the back of his helmet to where his hair line started, sneaking a few fingers under the metal edge to tangle in his curls. The Mandalorian’s hands were on your waist, holding you in place while he rocketed up into you, filling the ships cabin with the sound of wet slaps. His thick cock hit different from this angle, grinding up against the sweet spot deep inside you with each rut until you started seeing stars behind your eyes. He could feel you building up around him and he quickened his pace until you were gasping his name.

“M-mando! I... I’m gonna....” Your muscles coiled with heat until you burst, your sweet cunt fluttering around his still pumping cock until he went cascading over the edge of ecstasy with you, his helmet vibrating with a guttural roar. His feverish body shook, giving you a few short thrusts to milk the cum from his cock until it spilled out from where he was lost inside you.

His shaky arms held onto you so tightly, as if you would blast away into space if he let go. The endorphins flooding his head made him want to pour his heart out and tell you everything, bare himself in body and soul for the first time in his life. He wanted to tell you how nice you had looked in his clothes, how the loose knit fabric draped over your breasts was a work of art; even more so when you were standing before him armed to the teeth in his hunting trophies. How seeing you slice that fucking Twi’lek to ribbons was more graceful than any ballet. The sight of the bloody hole that had been burned into your side had made his skin crawl. Mando wasn’t ready to explain the child’s healing powers, he barely understood them himself; but if it wasn’t for the baby he would have been burying your corpse instead of tending your wounds. Instead of experiencing your living body like he was now.

His heart fluttered at the thought of his foundling healing you with his baby sorcerer magic, his tiny green paws pushed on your side where the blood was spilling from your wound. The thought of you dying for his bounty made him sick, but pride flushed the sensation away when he thought back to that first day with you up in the flight deck. How when his baby boy was restless that you acted, not with malice but with tenderness and care. He'd never wanted to rip his helmet off faster in all his days than when you sang his son a lullaby, the sweet tune of it filtering through his sensory equipment, and he longed to hear it as it was meant to be. In that moment he had been entranced, but the fierce glare of his visor had made you feel threatened. He didn't want that. He wanted to make you feel safe. The same way you had made his child feel, the same way you made him feel now. Like the galaxy itself couldn’t tear you from him.

But the ugly truth was that soon it would all end when you both went your separate ways. All the feelings he wanted to confess to you died in his mouth, leaving a bitter taste that brought him back to reality. You still straddled his waist, and though the blood had long since left his cock it still sat neatly in your heat, letting him feel your gentle heartbeat around him. Carefully he pulled himself free from the apex of your thighs and rolled you both sideways onto the unforgiving cot, letting gravity shuffle you down until you were nestled in the crook of his arm. He couldn’t help brushing a stray lock of hair from your face, meeting your half lidded eyes with his own behind the visor.

“I don’t think I can get to the fresher this time.” Your voice was barely a whisper, and the edges of sleep crept unbidden to your eyes; the traumatic activities of the day finally winning over your endurance. “You’re probably going to have to burn these sheets.”

Mando hummed with indifference, though for you he would burn all of Tatooine down if you asked. All the lovely thoughts that had danced through his mind came rolling through again, haloed in the warm light of afterglow. Only one made its way past his lips, sneaking out of the helmets’ modulator like a prayer.

“How does the song end?”

“Mmm?” You were so close to sleep, so cozy and full of cum that you knew would be a fun mess for morning-you to clean up. You wracked your brain trying to remember what the hell he was talking about. The star-shanty? “Why, do you need a lullaby too?”

“N-no. Just curious. When you leave, my foundling might ask me about it.” Liar. The calloused hand gliding up and down your spine brought the original contract you made with him ringing through your skull. One hunt and I’m gone.

“Leave? I’m not going anywhere until I see you tell Karga face to face that I’m rotting in a sarlacc pit. No take-backs. That old dog will probably dance when he hears he won’t have to part with his credits and I want to catch it on holo-corder.”

The rumbling sigh deep in his chest sounded more like an engine powering down than a mortal man, and it told you more than words ever could. The arm you had around his chest was met with strong fingers that intertwined with your own. He doesn’t want me to go. Who are you, Mandalorian?

“Tell me anyway? Please?” His arms tightened like a fortress around you. His words were distant, echoing out from somewhere in dreamland instead of right by your ear. Alright you big softie, if you’re going to beg me. You sighed heavily against him, trying to recall the songs of your distant past. 

“The nights are long between the stars, and lonely too for me,

I wonder how I might have fared with home and family.

But the bonds of friendship I have formed will last my lifetime through,

Security is not for me, my dreams are all of you.”

The same soft snores that had been your original encore with the baby now ghosted in your ear, muffled by the mysterious beskar helmet but still unmistakable. Like father like son. 

The weight of his arms around you was like nothing you had ever felt in your years on the run. You had traveled so far and met so many living beings but not once had you let another share your bed while you slept. You could get used to this. The thought was the last you had before sleep overtook you, your body slumping against his while you dreamed of silver and steel.

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[jeontaehui]

TAEHEE CUT IN 2020 ENQUETE 20

taehee grabs the pen with curiosity and taps it against the table a few times, “what’s this?”

she places both arms on each side of the paper as she scans the questions, an amused smile growing on her face as she reads further down. “alright, i’ll try to answer this very honestly,” she flashes the camera a dimpled smile, her eyes crinkling into small crescents. “let’s start!”

Q1 Who is the most NEO member of NCT?

“jungwoo, no doubt. he’s so,” taehee swirls her pen around to get her thoughts across since words can only do so much, “you know what i mean? yeah, it’s jungwoo.”

members who chose her and why:

mark “even if i’ve been with her for- is it 8 years? or 9 years? even if i’ve been with her for that long, she always has a new side of her to show so, that’s why i think she’s neo.”

sungchan “she’s such a cool person. i haven’t practiced with her that much during trainee days but i feel like she’s got more to her. i’ll try to get to know her more!!!”

Q2 Who do you think is a hidden dance machine?

taehee hums in thought, “taeil hyung? i’ll go with taeil hyung.”

“he’s very cute when he dances,” she giggles, “i like it.”

Q3 Which member do you think acts cute a lot in a subtle way?

“definitely jisungie,” she writes without a doubt. “he denies it and says he doesn’t want to do it, but he does it anyways... he’s naturally cute, that’s why.”

“our jisungie, our baby jisungie,” she singsongs. 

members who chose her and why:

taeil “this is definitely taehee. she says she hates it but she does it in the subtlest way, she doesn’t even notice it.”

mark “she has like... natural aegyo? she acts cute unintentionally, it’s kinda funny.”

haechan “ahh this is noona. she’s the first one that came into mind. the members in 127 all told her that but, she denies it,” he gives a pointed look at the camera, “watch our past videos, you’ll see. our noona is sooo stubborn~”

jeno “taehee noona. although she’ll never admit it, she does it naturally so...”

Q4 Who's someone that you don't know too well right now but want to get to know better?

“can i write more than one person?,” taehee looks around but no one was there to answer her, causing her to shrug at the camera. “it doesn’t say in the directions so i’ll just write the people,” she starts writing down three names, “that i think of.”

“shotaro, sungchan, xiaojun — these three. shotaro and sungchan are cute, there’s a feeling of protectiveness...?,” she bites her lip, “when i see them. as for xiaojun, we’re the same age and i think he’s really fun once you get to know him,” she smiles.

“i think we’re still shy around each other,” she giggles. 

members who chose her and why:

shotaro “first of all, taehee noona is so cool on stage so i want to learn more from her too. secondly, she’s very nice and friendly. i think that’s why the members like her a lot,” he smiles sheepishly.

Q5 Who do you think will have the best chemistry with you?

“hendery,” she tells as she writes. “when we were recording some of the songs we worked on together, we clicked really well. i think it’s because he’s a funny guy and i like... laughing?,” taehee laughs at her own choice of words, “i think, yeah.”

members who chose her and why:

mark “i think it’s already obvious why. 9 years, dude.”

hendery “taehee is, first of all, so friendly and she gets a long with everyone so well even if she’s shy. and we’ve been hanging out a lot too, so i feel like we’re getting closer bit by bit.”

haechan “contrary to popular belief, we work well together,” he nods understandingly, “and therefore, everyone should be afraid of us.” “but everyone is already afraid of the two of you,” doyoung says as he stands behind him. “then i guess it’s already a known fact.”

Q6 Which member do you want to go traveling with in 10 years?

“dream,” taehee writes without hesitating. “that would be so fun, especially if it was like a reality show or something. even without the cameras, it would be really fun either way.”

haechan casually walks into frame and puts his chin on taehee’s right shoulder, lightly scanning the names she wrote so far. “have you written my name yet?”

“i wrote dream for the traveling question.”

“really? me too!!!,” he then hugs her very tightly, causing taehee’s face to contort into faux pain as haechan’s face was that of affection. “there’s snacks by the way if you want,” he finally lets go, still keeping his hands wrapped around her waist. “okay, i’ll be done in a bit.”

taehee pats haechan’s head before he walks away, a habit nctzens tend to notice between the two.

“OH!!!!,” she claps her hands together before writing down on the paper, “i think it would also be fun if all the ‘99 liners went on a trip too, but i also think we wouldn’t survive on our own. that’s why it’s funny,” she giggles.

members who chose her and why:

mark “we talked about going on road trips lots of times already so, i guess this is it.”

jeno “taehee noona? she’s fun and would plan the trip really well. i think we’ll enjoy our trip just fine if it was up to her. haechan as well, maybe?”

taeyong “taehee because she’s fun to be around,” doyoung whines at his answer. “okay, okay,” taeyong laughs. “doyoung and taehee.”

Q7 Who do you wish to take a walk with late at night?

“jaemin...?,” she thinks, “oh no, wait. maybe jeno? i’ll just write both.” she bites her bottom lip, “jaemin can be calm if he wanted to be. jeno goes with the flow too,” she explains.

members that chose her and why:

jaehyun “taehee because the atmosphere would be nice and... yeah that’s all,” he nods as his dimpled smile turns into a laugh.

jaemin “noona... yeah, i’ll write taehee noona for this one because she’s very chill, you know? chill~ sexy~”

jisung “noona !!!! she’ll treat me to eat late night snacks too, i think. it’ll be fun.”

Q8 Who do you think has the same preference as you?

“mmm not sure,” taehee trails off as she looks side to side. “maybe jaehyun oppa? i think ten hyung also- whatever i’ll just write what comes into mind.”

she ended up writing jaehyun, ten, and jaemin.

members that chose her and why:

jaehyun “we like almost the same things and... bond over these things, that is why i chose her.”

ten “taehee likes dance, i like dance. we think the same, we act the same. there’s this time where we sang the same song at the same time and that really gave me goosebumps.”

Q9 Who do you wish you could switch lives with?

“ooh trick question, literally three people came into mind,” taehee laughs. “yuta, taeil, and winwin,” she writes.

“yuta oppa because he’s so wise, yet he’s like a child at heart, you know? then taeil oppa because he has such an amazing voice and cooks really well too. and then winwin oppa because he’s very cute and loved by many,” she chuckles.

members that wrote her and why:

jisung “taehee noona? she sees things in so many different perspectives, i think she’s wise? insightful? i like the way she thinks.”

Q10 My favorite NCT member is ...

“jisung!!!! jisung jisung jisung,” she chants. “is this even a question?”

members that chose her and why:

shotaro “she’s been really nice and helpful to me ever since i got here and i think i can learn a lot from her too.”

Q11 Which member had a unique first impression to you?

“haechan,” taehee playfully squints her eyes at the camera after writing the singer’s name down. “we used to fight non-stop, no joke. the only first impression i can think of for him is ‘enemy’ but ‘good singer and dancer’ too. mostly because he wanted to annoy me and i wanted to annoy him.”

“it’s childish, really, for the most part,” she shrugs, “but that’s what got us closer.” 

members that chose her and why:

ten “when they introduced her to our team, i was like ‘oh?’ but then she was really cool even if we were so young back then i was like ‘woahh’. she’s really cool.”

jungwoo “the first time i saw taehee, i thought that she was really cute and pretty, like at first you’d think she’s shy and all, but she’s so different when she performs. she puts her all into and i think that’s what makes her cool. i admired that.”

Q12 Who is NCT’s hidden weirdo?

“hidden weirdo....,” taehee hums. “we’re all weird in a way- hendery? i’ll just write hendery because my first impression of him was different as to how i see him now.”

“i thought he was like calm at first but then what should i expect from nct right?,” she laughs and shakes her head, “he’s so funny.”

members that chose her and why:

mark “i’m not joking, she really is. sometimes, off-cam, she’s like jungwoo or jaemin and we all just go ‘huh??’ but it’s like a funny weird not a bad weird,” he shakes his head as he looks at the corner, “ah cute.”

renjun “taehee noona is smart, everyone, but she has her moments. mmm, sometimes i wonder how her brain works.”

chenle “taehee noona....,” he shakes his head as if he were disappointed, “has her moments.”

taeyong “that kid is weird at times. she doesn’t show it on-cam though which makes it even funnier.”

Q13 Who do you want to see everyday?

taehee writes czennies and her parents without explaining verbally. she adds two hearts at the end.

Q14 Who do you think is very interesting?

“jungwoo...,” she writes. “i want to know how he thinks and why he’s so funny all the time even if he’s not doing anything.”

members that chose her and why:

yangyang “taehee noona? she’s very cool and like chill,” he chuckles. “i like her accent too.” 

xiaojun “taehee and i are the same age. she’s very talented and down to earth, a lot of people get along with her very well. i think that’s what makes a lot of people become drawn to her too.”

Q15 If everyone became 5 years old again, who would look the cutest?

“jisung- ahh, i’m writing his name down sooo many times.”

members that chose her and why:

jeno “i saw taehee noona’s baby pictures and she was really cute. she was a smiley kid.”

taeyong “her mom showed me a few of her baby pictures and she was really cute. she had chubby cheeks, thick bangs, and on top of all that she smiled so big!!! she was a cute child, really.”

Q16 Who laughs the most?

“mark lee!!!!!,” she smiles. “you can even hear him laugh now.”

“mark has those really memorable laughs. it’s like, even if you don’t hear him laugh, you can really tell from his aura that he laughs a lot. he’s a bubbly kid, it’s cute.”

Q17 Who do you think that has the name that matches their appearance the best?

“hendery,” she nods, “his face just screams ‘hendery’, very prince-like.”

members that chose her and why:

jaemin “‘jeon taehee’ is just jeon taehee. it suits her.”

doyoung “her last name suits her.”

Q18 Who do you wish were your sibling?

“jisung and jeno. i’ve always wanted a younger brother; i’d want jeno to be my older brother.” she puffs her cheeks at the camera before giving it a small smile and writing jeno’s and jisung’s names down.

members that chose her and why:

renjun “she’s very kind but playful. she takes things lightheartedly, you know?,” renjun writes her name down, “and she’s smart too.”

doyoung “any member. maybe, taehee? as long as it’s not lee haechan, i’m fine with any.”

Q19 Which person comes to your mind right now?

“hendery,” taehee gets a feeling she wrote down his name one too many times so she scans the paper to see how many hendery’s are written on her paper.

three.

members that chose her and why:

hendery “we hang out a lot these days.”

mark “jeon taehee who has just passed by a second ago.”

Q20 Who are you the most excited for the upcoming season of 2020 activities?

“shotaro and sungchan !!!!! although the two of them are new, i can guarantee you guys that they have so much to show you guys. please look forward and give many love and support to them as well !!!!”

taehee fiddles with the stamp for a bit after signing the paper, her tongue poking the side of her cheek. she turns to the camera and waddles cutely before the box they were supposed to put the questionnaires in.

“before putting things like these into a drop box you have to make a wish,” she says as she folds the paper. “i wish that our czennies are all doing well during this time and that they are all safe. i also wish for the safety of our members, our staff, and our families. i also wish that our new album, resonance part 2, as well as our other content, will be able to give you guys hope and a sense of comfort while you’re in your homes staying safe,” she smiles as she softly taps the paper against the box. “we’ll see each other soon!!!,” she slightly presses the paper to her lips as if to give it a good luck kiss before dropping it into the box. “bye bye!!!”

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Today was Get Shit Done Day, since as of yesterday my truck battery had officially died.  Lasted eight years, so I wasn’t too shook up.  What DID kinda rattle me was seeing how much more expensive car batteries are now, and how shitty most of them are! 

So in 2014, when I had the truck restored, I think the most a top-of-the-line battery went for was about $80-100 tops.  My, has time marched on...we’re talking lowest price is $70 for a battery that is only guaranteed for...dramatic pause...THREE MONTHS.  Next up is $159, then $189, but they’re all the same generic crap batteries.

So I look at the other end of the spectrum, and there is the Optima Red 25.  $225.  That’s a lotta battery, tho’.  And here I’ll call up the analogy my late sweetie brought up that enlightened me:  “You can’t wear cheap shoes.  You have to buy GOOD shoes...that last.  Or else you’re throwing money away”.

So no cheap shoes.  Found an O’Reilley’s with it in stock, so I got a jump from a neighbor and got there and switched it out in the parking lot.  Guy who helped me out was great, he was helping somebody else out with another Toyota pickup a couple years younger than mine.

And I spent an hour on “chat” with Comcast because they didn’t put the credit on my bill, and they fixed it, but as they usually do, they offered a new package for the next year, blahblah, so I looked at that and figured it would lower the monthly bill, at least, and the credit will roll over into a new form, which should be in two months.  I got out of that chat about 45 seconds before my zoom appointment with my therapist.

Since I got the battery taken care of, essentially painlessly, as well as a blinker bulb I’ve needed since last year, I am going to finally give poor ol’ wounded thing a bath. 

She’s been hit three times in the last year. Ever since the First Karen backed into me as I was backing up, screwed up the bumper and bondo work, and then Second Karen ran into me when I thought she was gonna stop, and then sucked $100k out of my insurance company, while I got nada, my truck still has a very big sadz. 

And my premium got jacked up $40/month...for three fucking years.  And it doesn’t matter WHO insures you...same.  So my baby I obsessed on is now just another old truck, but it’s a nearly new old truck...that got hit...and looks like shit...and the bed is warped.  And Invisible Karen sideswiped her in the Safeway parking lot.  At least it was on the hit side.

Here is the website I put up about her back when I had her redone.  The dead battery today hails from that re-do.  EIGHT years ago. And yes, the entire project cost ludicrous amounts of money, (when for a brief period, I actually HAD some) and for the better part of eight years, she was spotless:

http://www.charcardz.com/liltruck/liltruck.html

The reward for sitting through 14 pages pages of build diary, are the last two pages of photos from when she was completed.  Total expenditure of the project was $32k, plus another $10k when I got here to Cali and had to have her entire emissions system swapped out for a different type.  And it doesn’t include the storage garage I rented for the first year out here at $350/mo. 

But you should hear her turn over! That battery spins that starter like crazy, as it should, with a battery having about 150 extra cold crankin’ goodness more than it needs...spins like a top. 

Tomorrow I go get a quart of oil and take her to the self-wash.  Can’t really use the high pressure too much on the whole right side, as my beautiful $7,6k paintjob is sorta peelin’ there.  Grim smile.  

So yeah...Happy New Year.  I will be sitting here, having a very quiet night,  I got no expectations at this point.  We’re ALL numb.  We’re ALL PTSD’d.  But today I was able to calm that anxiety and fear that would normally accompany the things/interactions I did/had,  and it was obvious that something has, indeed, “shifted”. 

Only in the last day or two, but at least it feels like the winds have changed course.  We are gonna have to all reach a new “equalibrium” or a new “default balance” state, As a people, we’ve COLLECTIVELY been on this constant trauma nightmare trip of CRISIS MODE....EVERYTHING IS A CRISIS!  And, then, suddenly it’s not.

POST-CRISIS MODE is gonna take some doing.

But it seems the wind is in the correct direction now.

[wordsfromthesol]

Replacement (1/2)

Author: @wordsfromthesol​ Pairing: Tim Drake x Reader Warnings: Language, violence Word Count: 2.2k Requested: @beebosclique​ A/N: Thanks for the request because I’ve been on a real Tim Drake kick lately. Which is probably why this story is so long (not sorry). Also (not) sorry for reusing superhero names in my stories…I’ve only come up with like 2 that I like. Also also, thanks for the love 💛💛

Part Two

You had no real memories of your life at the circus, you were only three years old when Bruce Wayne took you in. He and Dick were the only family you knew, well until Jason came into the picture. Jason, unlike Dick, realized that you could take care of yourself. In fact, Jason often sparred with you and secretly taught you as Bruce and Dick taught him. When he died you begged to take over the Robin mantle. You knew there needed to be one, Bruce would go too far, you were even worried Dick would go to far. Tim becoming Robin was the final punch in the gut you needed. They would never allow you to be in the family business, no matter how prepared for it you were. The day Tim passed the gauntlet was the same day you finished your costume. That day Eclipse was born and she quickly made a name for herself, all while avoiding Tim Drake, both at home and in the field.

Jason returned and the Robin mantle got passed once again. You didn’t even ask for it this time. Your silence is what led Jason to discovering your secret identity. You had to admit, it was nice to finally have someone to talk to about it, someone to patch you up if you ever got too injured.

**

“Y/N/N, I don’t get why you won’t just tell them.”

“Because Dick would murder me. He wouldn’t let me be Robin, you think he would be okay with me going out there solo?”

“Yeah, but it would make my life way easier, especially when you need your shoulder reset.” Jason shook his head and mumbled, “can’t believe you waited until morning to come to me.”

“You know if you tell him, he’ll kill you.”

“Hm, well I’ve tried that. Didn’t like it too much, so I guess I’m stuck.”

You nodded at Jason, bracing yourself for the pain. “Shit…” you mumbled as you felt the joint jolt back into place.

“You do remember that I’m your older brother too, right? I don’t like you going out by yourself either.”

“Yes and I have you on speed dial every time I’m out there.” You sighed, trying to give him some reassurance. “Plus…if my vitals drop below a certain point, my suit automatically sends a message straight to Dick and Bruce explaining everything. I can’t override it.”

“Still doesn’t make me feel great, especially since you probably have the settings set to when you’re dead.” You just stuck your tongue out in response. “So I didn’t hear Tim or Damian on that list…”

“Well, I barely know the demon brat. It’s been like a year since he stumbled into our lives, plus he’s a child.”

“Fair enough. You know you can’t blame Tim.”

“I’m not…blaming.”

Jason threw his hands up in defense, “If you say so.” Jason peripheral vision caught Tim’s figure and a smirk grew on his face. “Hey Timbers!” He shouted as you whipped around, hoping Jason was just joking. He wasn’t. “Y/N here could use a sparring partner. Someone to teach her the ropes.” You looked back at Jason, an angry glare in your eyes.

“She…uh…she wants me to teach her…?”

“Well I would love to Timbo, but I promised…uh…Dick that I would help him out.” Tim eyebrow’s shot up, clearly not believing his brother’s lies, before he turned towards you looking for clarification.

“That would be great Tim.” You gritted through your teeth, trying not to sound sarcastic. “Let me just go change.” You shot daggers back at Jason before scampering off. Tim waited until you faded from view before speaking again.

“You know she hates me, right Jay?”

“She doesn’t hate you. She hates what you took from her.”

“I didn’t take anything of hers.” Jason looked at his brother, solemnly.

“Tim. This…” Jason gestured around him, “has been her whole life. Don’t you think she wanted to be Robin? To prove that she belonged in this family.” Jason quickly dropped the serious demeanor. He was never very good at it anyways. “I think once she sees the real you, not the Robin you. She’ll come around replacement!” Jason’s eye caught you in the doorway. He jogged up next to you, “Remember to see past Robin.” He winked at you before leaving the two of you alone.

“Well that was weird.” Tim commented, gesturing you towards him.

“Eh. Jay only pretends not to care about family.” You brushed off the comment as you took your stance.

**

Hours went by, and your shoulder was well beyond it’s limit…something Tim noticed and used to pin you down one final time.

“Alright, I think you’re done.” He clamored as he held out a hand to help you up. A hand which you denied. “What did you do to your shoulder anyways? Need me to look at it?”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” You swatted his hand away.

“Y/N/N!” You heard Dick’s voice in the distance.

“Don’t tell him anything.” You mumbled to Tim, before turning to greet your brother. “Dickie! Tim was just showing me some new moves.”

Dick stopped at your side, “Tim…you let Tim teach you?” Even Dick was in disbelief. You just shrugged, not offering a response. “Well I was looking for you to let you know I took the night off! I don’t have to leave after dinner.”

“Ohh…” You stammered, “I…uh…I have plans. With Ellen. Mo…movies.”

“Awe, can’t you cancel? I need time with my little sister.”

“I…I so would. But she’s going through this tough time. Her, uh, her boyfriend just broke up with her and…I just I need to be there.”

“Fine,” Dick whined out. “But we’re still on for the diner, right?”

“Of course. Wouldn’t miss it.” You pressed a kiss to Dick’s cheek before running out of the room. You were never good at lying to your brother and thankfully, due to his nightly activities, you rarely had to. Grabbing your phone, you quickly sent Ellen a text, just in case Dick decided to fact check you. Only it wasn’t Dick you needed to worry about. Dick would never believe that his baby sister was lying to him, Tim on the other hand witnessed the entire train wreck.

“I got a case to work on…” Tim gestured towards the computer before leaving Dick standing in the training room alone. Tim went back and forth in his mind, but ultimately decided he would check your phone just in case you were in trouble. That’s when he saw the text message. The one you just sent to Ellen.

Hey girl, used you as a lie to Dick. If he asks we are going to the movies and you just broke up with your boyfriend.

Man you really didn’t want to hang out with your brother tonight.

Yeah, well I already had plans and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

That doesn’t say much…

😜😜

**

You were finally able to ditch your brother and were posted on a rooftop, just outside a supposed new drug den.

“What are we looking at?” The sudden voice made you jump. You quickly regained composure, striking a defensive stance. “Relax…” Red Robin came out of the shadows, “I only want to help.”

You huffed at the sight but attempted to contain your discontent, “You don’t normally patrol tonight.”

“Just wanted to keep the criminals on their toes.”

“I’m sure they’re shaking in their boots…to answer your question, I think it’s a new drug den. Followed someone here a few days ago.”

“Well, why aren’t we moving on it?”

“I’m waiting for someone.”

“And that would be…?”

“Someone who still has a choice. If you’re staying, I’m on channel 3.” You commented before dropping into the alley below. Red Robin moved to follow but stopped once he heard your voice come through his comm. “Stay there. We move when I say.” He looked down watching you corner someone.

“Jake.” You calmly called out towards the man. He spun around, realizing he was now stuck in the alley. “What are you doing here?”

“I just…I need money. My baby girl…I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice. I’m about to give you another one.”

“I can’t –” You cut him off.

“I’m not asking for anything regarding those idiots.” You gestured towards the drug den. “This is a choice for you. You can leave right now and trust that I’m going to help you. Or you can go in there and warn them that I’m coming. Maybe they’ll overpower me and maybe you’ll be rewarded for the tip. But think about the life that that leads to. You’re better than that life.”

“How…how would you know that?”

“Because I saw the desperation in your eyes a few nights ago. Then I did some digging. That was your first deal.”

“My daughter.”

“I always thought I never had a choice. I was groomed for this life and then it was held just beyond my reach. I was stuck until I made a different path for myself. Now I try to give that opportunity to others. People who thought they had run out of options.”

Tim was stuck in a trance as he watched this Jake character run the opposite way of the drug den. Eclipse was you; you had just made that painfully obvious. Though he wondered if you intended that or if your mind was set on helping Jake.  Suddenly he was shaken from his mental state as your voice came over his comm yet again. “I’m going in the back door. Meet me there if you still want to help.”

You didn’t wait for his response, but noticed a shadowy figure following just above you. The two of you got to the door at the same time, Red Robin spoke first. “I’ll take left.” Tim wanted your sore shoulder exposed as little as possible.

**

“Your shoulder looks pretty bad…”

“It’ll be fine.” You tried to ignore the searing pain as the two of your waited for the police to come round up all the men.

“Do you want me to take a look?”

“No.”

“Do you at least want some high strength pain killers? I can bring some by –”

“Why are you insistent on helping?”

Red Robin shrugged, “Guess us vigilantes gotta stick together.”

“Right. I’m more of a solo gig kinda vigilante.” You saw a smirk graze his face as you heard the sirens approaching. “And that’s my queue.” You gestured towards the sound and bounded out the door. This is Tim. Tim Drake. He stole Robin from you. The words resonated through your head as you tried to forget tonight. It felt different. Or maybe Jason was right…

Once you got to your secret apartment, you showered and attempted a self-evaluation on your shoulder. You jumped upon hearing the sound of tapping against the glass. Shit. You raced into the bedroom, grabbing your discarded mask and throwing it on before sauntering into the living room.

“What do you want?” You questioned Red Robin’s presence as you opened the window.

“Thought you might want these.” He said, tossing you a bottle of pills. “Also, it would probably help if you wear this for a couple days.” Tim held out a sling.

“Yeah, can’t do that.”

“Hm. It’ll take twice as long to heal if you don’t.” He walked over, inspecting the bruising already forming on your shoulder. “This definitely didn’t happen tonight.”

“It was reset this morning.” You glanced at the time, 3:20am, “Well I guess yesterday morning. It’ll be fine.”

“Alright alright,” Tim held up his hands in defense before reaching into one of his pockets. “Well I know you’re a solo vigilante and all…but if you need me.” Tim placed a card and sling in your hand. Before you could respond he was out the window.

You decided it was probably best to wear the sling. Now all you needed was a lie for why you weren’t staying at the Manor.

**

It had only been a few hours before you woke up clouded in smoke. A fire raged around you. Maybe Tim wasn’t the only one who had followed you home. You shot up, immediately donning your mask and throwing your suit into a nearby duffel bag. Running around, you attempted to start collecting your equipment and paper trails as your phone dialed Jason. No answer. You then tried the comm in your mask, no answer. Shit. I’m going to have to call Tim.

“Eclipse?” The voice sounded groggy on the other end.

“Yeah so…I may be in some trouble.”

“Shit. Your apartment?”

“Yeah.” You jumped out of the way as the kitchen beam collapsed.

“What was that?!”

“Just…let me know when you’re here.”

You ignored his plea to stay on the line and focused on fastening everything to your body. This is going to hurt. You freed your arm from the sling and stepped onto the window ledge. Unfortunately, you were right. Tim was not the only person to follow you tonight, and this person wanted you dead. They were waiting for you to leap from that window. You didn’t even make it to the pavement before you heard the gun fire.

[buckleyirondad]

10. They Look So Pretty When They Bleed “Internal Bleeding” 

Peter falls off the lakehouse roof while helping Tony with household chores.

AO3 Link

Families across the world, spent their day-to-day lives, doing normal people things, and sometimes, they’d have exciting events to look forward to.

Tony’s life was the opposite.

Since beating Thanos, and having Peter home safely, Tony spent the majority of the time, worrying about the kid being on patrol.

So, the days spent completing small tasks, such as fixing a hole in the lakehouse roof, were the times that he most looked forward to.

Peter wiped the back of his hand over his brow, “Wow.”

Tony placed his tool down, “You tired, kid?” He asked, looking up.

Peter sat down, “We’ve been up here, for an hour.”

Tony shrugged, “Well, we’re nearly done.”

Peter stretched his arms up, over his head, “Wouldn’t it have been easier, if we got one of the suits to do this?”

“Probably, but I promised Pepper…” He bent down, “When we moved in, that the suits would never help with little tasks.”

Peter ducked his head, mid-laugh, “They’re reserved only for, the end of the world tasks?”

“Basically,” He looked up, “Or, you know, keeping your kid alive on patrol?”

“How funny,” Peter rolled his eyes, letting out a snort, “So, you think she’s right?”

“Oh, yeah,” Tony nodded, “Definitely, I like fixing things.”

"May kinda does the same thing,” Peter said, “I’m not allowed to use my web-shooters to tidy my room anymore, or cover up pinholes, in the walls.”

Tony narrowed his eyes, “You didn’t—”

Peter grinned, unfazed, “I have.”

“Teenagers.”

“Okay…” He placed his hand, on the chimney behind him, and stood up, “I’m gonna head down.”

“I’ll join you,” Tony grabbed his toolbox, “In a few minutes.”

Peter hurried away, “I’m gonna eat the last brownie.”

Tony turned, shaking his head, “Traitor.”

He heard Peter carefully creeping over, to the edge of the roof, by the side of Morgan’s bedroom window, and he lowered himself down.

Tony started gathering his tools together.

He heard a large bang, followed by a sharp intake of breath, and then, a spine-chilling thud.

He snapped his head up, “Peter?”

A pained sigh followed.

“Fuck,” He scrambled away, towards the edge where the ladder was placed, “Peter!”

Peter was sprawled across the grass below, nursing his head, in his hand.

“Pete…” Tony sped down the ladder, and rushed to his side, kneeling, “Hey, hey, you okay?”

“Yeah…” Peter squeaked, “Wow.” He blinked slowly, “That was dramatic.”

Tony rested a hand on his arm, “This wouldn’t happen if you used the ladder.”

“It’s not that far down,” Peter held up his hand, articulating his nonsense point, “And I’m Spider-Man.”

“Well, Spider-Man….” He leaned back, tapping Peter’s foot, “Maybe, check your laces, before climbing off a roof.”

“Yeah,” He rubbed the side of his head, “Good plan.”

Tony quickly tied the kid’s laces, and then, moved back, “Here,” He eased Peter, into a sitting position, “You can swing, building to building, but you didn’t notice, that your shoelaces, were undone?"

“I’m not always in Spider-Man mode.”

“Clearly,” Tony darted his eyes around, searching for injuries, “Yet, you use it as an excuse.”

Peter lifted his shoulder in a half shrug.

Tony nudged Peter’s shoulder, “Stop trying to give your old man a heart attack.”

Peter widened his eyes, “I’m not trying to.”

“You okay?” Tony laughed nervously, scanning him, “Any broken bones?”

“Nah,” Peter sighed, “I kinda fell butt first, and the grass was here, so I think I’m good.”

“You’re incredibly lucky.”

Peter barked a laugh, “It’s my middle name.”

“I don’t know…” Tony squeezed his shoulder, “Well, we’re done for the day, and you’re never going on the roof again.”

“God,” Peter groaned, “It was one time.”

Tony jumped up, “One time is enough,” He leaned, helping Peter to his feet.

Peter stood steady, “See, I’m fine.”

“You can probably thank your powers for that,” He nudged Peter’s arm, “Come on.”

They walked up the porch steps, and Tony clicked open the front door.

“Hey, you two,” Pepper was sitting, at the breakfast bar, with Morgan, “Everything good?”

Peter spoke quickly, “Yeah.”

Tony jumped it at the same time, “Peter fell off the roof.”

Peter glared, with his mouth set in a determined line.

Pepper jumped out of her chair, jogging over, “Wait, what?!”

Peter held up his hands, “I’m fine.”

Pepper pressed her hand on Peter’s cheek, “How—"

“My shoelace was undone,” Peter sighed, “I’m good, I’ve fallen further on patrol.”

“Still,” She brushed a curl behind his ear, “Please, be careful. I don’t want you going to May, in a sling…again.”

Tony chipped in, “He’s clumsy, by nature.”

Morgan shouted out, “But he’s Spider-Man!”

“Yes, he is, honey,” Tony jogged over, “However, for some reason, your brother, is clumsier when he doesn’t have a red and blue suit on.”

Morgan turned to her brother, “Then you should wear it, all the time, Petey.”

Peter skipped over, ruffling Morgan’s hair, “I would but it might give away my secret identity.”

“Oh, yeah,” Morgan reached out, taking the plate, with the final brownie on, “I saved you the last one.”

Peter took it, and shot an evil smirk in Tony’s direction, “Thank you.”

Tony crossed his arms and shook his head, disappointed, “I’ll never forget this.”

Peter giggled, as he shuffled over to the couch.

Tony sang, “What do we all fancy for dinner?”

Morgan shouted back, “Pizza!”

Tony turned, to Pepper, “Honey?”

She nodded, “Pizza sounds good.”

Tony skipped over, tapping the back of the couch, “Pete?”

Peter leaned his head back, mouthful, “Yeah?”

“Fancy pizza?”

“Um, yeah. The usual,” Peter spun around, “Please.”

***

They watched A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back while eating their pizza, and then, Morgan pleaded with them, to put Frozen on.

Elsa was performing her killer solo when Tony started collecting the boxes together.

He reached for Peter’s box, “Oh,” He pushed it open, there was still about half left, “Hey Pete, you’ve still got pizza left.”

Peter shrugged, “I’m not that hungry.”

Tony perched on his seat, looking to Pepper, who seemingly shared his concern.

The kid could consume twice his weight, in sugars and fats, daily.

Pepper leaned over, “You sure, honey?”

“Yeah, it’s not that nice,” Peter waved his hand, “I think I ate too many brownies.”

Tony nodded, “Okay.”

Morgan jumped up randomly, “I’m gonna brush my teeth.”

Pepper spun to face her, “You can wait until the end of the movie, sweetheart.”

“Nah,” Morgan sped off, “I wanna do it now, so I can go to bed at the end.”

She charged upstairs.

Tony paused the movie, “She’s got tactics, that one.”

Pepper crossed her arms, “She gets it from you.”

Tony dropped his jaw, “She does not.”

“She does too,” Pepper looked up, “All for a later bedtime.”

Peter sat up straight, a pillow fell off the couch, to the floor, “Uh…”

Tony twirled to face him, “You ready for bed, kid?”

Peter looked at him, with glossed over eyes, but he said nothing, “Uh..” He looked beside him, “Where’d Morgan go?”

Pepper sat up, startled, “She’s gone to brush her teeth.”

Tony shuffled closer, “You feeling all right, Pete?”

“Yeah,” Peter rubbed his eyes, “Just tired.”

“Wanna go to bed?” Tony asked, “We won’t blame you.”

“Hm, I think I will go, yeah,” He slowly stood, but wobbled, unsteady on his feet, “Uh...”

“Okay—” Tony launched, catching him, “Let’s sit you, back down.” He gently lowered him back, into a sitting position, “Okay…” He knelt on the floor, keeping his hands rested on his shoulders.

“Peter—” Pepper rushed over, crouching beside the pair.

Tony studied him, “What hurts, kiddo?”

Peter moved his shaking hand, pointing to his chest.

Tony asked, “Can we look?”

“Yeah.”

Tony lifted Peter’s shirt, revealing a dark bruise, under his left ribcage, “Oh, shit…”

Pepper sighed heavily, “Honey…”

Tony brushed a hand through Peter’s curls, “Friday, can you scan him for me?”

“Right away, Boss.”

“Thank you.”

“It appears that Peter has a ruptured spleen.”

Tony cursed, “Fuck.”

Peter cried, “Sorry…”

Pepper bounced up, “I’ll phone the Infirmary.”

Tony rested a hand on Peter’s cheek, “I’m gonna go ahead and guess, that you didn’t land ‘on your butt.’”

Peter stammered, “I-I tried to catch myself, falling, and landed…on my…”

“Front?”

“Yeah,” Peter nodded, “I turned, before you…saw.”

“Oh, kid.” He pressed their foreheads together, “My Peter. Remember our promise?”

“Yeah…”

“No keeping big scary secrets…” Tony leaned back, bobbing his nose, “Especially when you’re hurt.”

“I thought…” Peter blinked, “It was just a bruise.”

“It’s not just a bruise.”

Peter managed a small smile, “I can’t see my organs, Mr. Stark.”

Tony rolled his eyes, “Don’t be smart, with me, kiddo.”

Peter hiccupped, “It’ll be fine.”

Tony kissed his forehead, “I know.” He got up, perching beside him, on the couch.

Peter moved, resting his head, on Tony’s shoulder.

Tony wrapped an arm around him, “No sleeping yet, buddy.”

Peter mumbled, “I’m not sleeping.”

Tony raised his voice, “Peter…”

“Ok…Ok…” Peter stuttered, “I can sing?”

Tony snorted, “Yeah, you can sing.”

“For the first time in forever…” Peter sang, under his breath, “There’ll be m-usic, there’ll be l-ight.”

Tony smiled, despite the situation, it was adorable.

Morgan walked down the stairs, “Daddy?”

Tony looked up, “Hey, sweetie.”

Morgan looked over, “What’s going on?”

“Peter’s got hurt, when he fell earlier,” He told her, “So he needs to see Cho.”

“Oh, okay.” She waddled over, sitting beside Peter, “Hey, Petey.”

“Hey, Mo,” Peter breathed, his face scrunched up, in pain, “For the first time in forever, I’ll be danc-ing through the n-ight…”

Morgan looked confused, he took his hand, “For the first time in forever…”

Peter grinned, “I won’t be alone.”

***

The surgery went well.

Tony sat, by Peter’s bedside, while Pepper took Morgan to a guest bedroom, for the night.

Tony was messaging a frightened May, trying to keep her updated, because she was stuck in traffic, with Happy.

Tony couldn’t stop humming the Frozen Soundtrack, under his breath, it was oddly addictive.

Peter mumbled sleepily, “To-“

“Hey, kiddo,” Tony looked up, smiling, “How…”

“You…you know there’s a Frozen…” Peter muttered, “West End Show…?”

Tony combed his hand through Peter’s hair, “There is?”

“Yeah. The…” Peter smacked his lips together, “The music’s really good.”

“I’ll have to book us tickets."

[teamsarawatshusband]

Word Of Honor - 1st watch insta thoughts - Episode 1

K, before I get started, here's what I know about "Word of Honor" prior to watching it, based on random unexplained gifsets on my dash: Not much tbh. I know there's this one guy that is a bit more tanned and has a beard. And there's some smirky guy. No idea what else he does, but he seems important. There's also swords cutting fabric, i'm thinking sleeves, because cut-sleeve? Way to be subtle. Oh, and there's two girl assassins. I have no idea who they kill or what their motives are. But they look fierce. That's literally all. Oh, and it's on my dash so much that I just HAVE TO assume it's BL. Because... my dash has tendencies.

Okay, here we go.

Episode 1

I'm skipping the intro, because I don't wanna be spoilered.

Oh, somebody explains the background story. That's nice. I have no idea, because the subtitles are going by so fast, but something about 5 lakes and an armory which is like a treasure. K, Glazed armor is important for... whatever reason.

Wow, they have nice trees.

Ninja people on roofs. Magic lanterns. Oh no, they broke the paper windows :( Lots of fighting. Why on earth are they going back and forth between fast movements and slow-mo? That looks so weird. Ah, yes, fighting on rooftops. I've seen better. Just saying. Probably gonna make so many enemies saying that. Oh, already the first fabric cutting. Was it a sleeve?

K, so the one guy is the leader of the window of heaven, whatever that is. And people are shocked to see him. Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

He looks sad. Does he even wanna be there? Oh, he's helping the bad guys? Is he our tragic hero? Now I didn't catch his name.

Oh, girl, there is no way you sat down alone in that room and your robe fell all pretty around you like that.

She brought back somebody's body to tragic hero roof guy. And now he wants her to kill herself. This makes no sense, wth. And she actually goes and drinks the poison. Hm, and now they're talking about the dead guy, so he must have been important too. He's burried at the Four Seasons.... Hotel? Probably not hotel, I didn't catch that right, I guess.

She has some wooded thing in her hand.

Oh, flashback to a pretty guy carving it. Is he the dead guy?

And the other guy in the flashback is tragic hero guy, just younger. Are they the lovers??? :O Wait, was the dead guy in love with poison girl?

Tragic hero guy is visiting some older guy at some place. Ah it's four seasons MANOR. Ok. And tragic hero guy is some sort of lord. WTH is this window of heaven thing? Is it like a magical place? Is tragic hero lord poisoned or something? Oh, and the old guy is kinda pissed at him for some reason, they don't say why. He wants his nails done or something. That's... probably not right.

Eww, no, he wants nails stuck into him. And they’re not nails, they’re actually screws, but okay. Anyway, weird. I really don't get it. Were they friends before? But then why does the old guy not wanna serve tragic hero lord guy anymore? And why is tragic hero lord guy going around dooming everybody to die?

K, so the nails make you lose your senses and mind and then kill you after 3 years. Got it. I like how they give little explanations in between the story.

Everybody's dead except for tragic hero lord guy. Is he staying alive to suffer on purpose or something?

Some palace, looks a bit like Koi Tower to me. Some guys talking about somebody spitting blood. Tragic hero lord guy maybe? (who else is left alive anyway?)

:O He's got the nails himself? WHY??? Ok, he's definitely a masochist. Who on earth puts nails in sloooooowly in order to not lose all their senses at once?!

Wait who's the mirror guy? Was that pretty flashback guy? Seems like it. (Sorry, I'm faceblind - not even joking, I really am and utterly bad at recognizing people) Oh no, and now tragic hero lord guy is crying. We're only in episode 1... why are there tears already?

And why are they all talking about 7 nails, and he only has 6 nails showing. Where on earth did he put the 7th nail? Do I even wanna know?

It's constantly snowing in the outdoor scenes, that must have been annoying. At least all the extras get to wear hats or helmets.

Okay, tragic hero guy goes to the palace. Talks to the... guy there. Whoever he is. Ooh. Tragic hero lord guy is getting naked. In front of... ah just to show off the nails. And palace guy is shocked. Oh, tragic hero lord guy gave himself ONLY SIX nails. K, no search party needed, whew. And now palace guy is super pissed. Because he... doesn't want him to die? So... he threatens to kill him? What?

Does tragic hero lord guy want to be killed right away or want to be given that 7th nail? I don't understand. Also, side note, what's up with those other scars that he has?

Now that other random side guy gets promoted and gets to take tragic hero lord guy's job. Did tragic hero lord guy get the 7th nail or not? What? None of this makes any sense.

Oh, it stopped snowing.

And he went... somewhere.

And is doing arts and crafts.

Oh, he's putting on a mask. Wait, is he the tanned beard guy? :O Oh. But why? He’s going into hiding?

Whoa, those statue mountains look AWESOME. 10/10 for scenery!

Wait, who are all those people fighting now? Some red guys with masks. And they're falling off the edge like lemmings. And some giggly guy on wires.

He's a ghost? What? And he stole something.

If he's a ghost, why is he bleeding?

WHOAH, what a cool film set with the stone statues holding up the stone ceiling. Is this a cave? or just a valley? Is this some magical place? Anyway 10/10 again!

Some guy playing with nuts. Hehe.

And lots of people with lots of make-up. Ah, more ghosts, okay. Why is nut guy in red not showing his face to the camera?

Oh, they're talking about glazed armor again. Like in the intro story. Did they steal it? Who are the ten devils? Are they all ghosts? I'm so confused.

Okay, new location.

Wait, did they film this at The Untamed's Caiyi Town? :o Sure looks just like it.

(not my gif, I googled and found this on @elvencantation​’s tumblr.)

Ok, tanned tragic hero lord guy is an alcoholic. Seems faintly familiar.

Oh, and there's smirky guy that I know from the gifs on my dash. With a very prejudiced and talkative purple girl.

Everybody who's wearing white also carries a fan. Both smirky guy and the kid that just walked in. Who is he?

Ooooh, purple girl can fly jump. Is she a cultivator? ARE there cultivators in this series? So far, nobody has flown on any swords.

And how did smirky fan guy know that tanned tragic hero lord guy is not a beggar? Does he know him? Does he recognize him? I bet he gets a kick out of being so mysterious.

Oh no, purple girl broke the rice sack. What a waste. :( And now she kicked tanned tragic hero lord guy right into the salad bar.

At least the kid is trying to stop her. Yeah, somebody has to. Ooooh, she's got a whip. Niiiiiiice! But now she BROKE the salad bar, that is just WRONG!

Ok, so... if alcoholic tanned tragic hero lord guy made that mask in order to go into hiding, he maaaaybe shouldn't be fighting so well in front of EVERYBODY to see. Just saying. :O Somebody stopped the whip before it hit alcoholic tanned tragic hero lord guy.

Oh, end of episode. Ok. So what have I learned? I still don't know who is who. Or why they do the things they do. I don't know how they're connected either. Hmm. But I wanna know who stopped the whip. Probably smirky guy, I guess. But, in any case, the last shot makes me wanna continue watching. Cheap trick, but it works. Yes, definitely gonna keep watching!

[lyssismagical]

8 and 59 iron dad?

“Do you hate me?” & “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” 

(This one kinda got away from me idk how it happened but this ended up being 3k lmao) 

Tony was grieving. That’s all it was.

Peter repeated it to himself over and over again, all day everyday, to convince himself it wasn’t actually his fault that Tony kept lashing out at him.

It wasn’t easy to feel like an intruder in what was meant to be his home, but it wasn’t Tony’s fault. He was grieving, that was all.

It had been four months since Pepper died doing the snap to win that battle.

Tony was grieving the loss of his wife. His best friend. The mother of his child. The one who’s stood by his side for decades.

The lashing out, the anger, the cold shoulder, it was fair. Tony was grieving.

If Peter felt hurt by any of it, he refused to show it. He would hold his chin high and meet every emotion with meek apologies and offerings of anything he could think of.

Peter had been living in the cabin for all four months, taking care of Morgan by himself while her dad was more or less MIA, in the throes of guilt and grief and anguish. Happy and May were grieving in the city, picking up her life. Rhodey was busy with work, helping rebuild the broken world.

It was down to Peter to take care of the five-year-old and her grieving father.

But that didn’t mean it wasn’t taking it’s toll on him.

He hadn’t slept well for as long as he could remember. He was trying to catch up in the missing five years, dealing with the nightmares and the obvious signs of PTSD after back-to-back wars he fought in, not to mention trying to stay on top of his school work at Midtown without actually going to school, and trying to keep tabs on everyone he cares about without them worrying about him.

It wasn’t easy work, that alone. But he’s also being a parent by himself.

It’s tiring. He’s a kid too, but he has to continue growing up too fast for everyone around him.

“Petey okay?” Morgan asks, crawling onto the couch next to him.

He blinks back the sleep that tries to take over his vision and forces himself up into a sitting position. “Yeah, I’m good, Momo, just a little tired. You want breakfast?”

“Pancakes!” she exclaims, hopping up onto her feet again. “With chocolate chips! And juice pops!”

Peter smiles and drags himself to his feet again. He slept for maybe an hour, trying to finish his reading for English along with all the projects he has to complete before midterms.

He gets Morgan situated at the table with a coloring book while he makes a batch of pancakes for them, setting aside a few for Tony.

“I’ll be right back down, alright?” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Eat up and then go get dressed, alright? I’ve gotta drive you to the city in a few hours for your appointment with Miss Sarah.”

Thankfully, he got his driver’s license before the snap, so he can take her to her therapy sessions in the city three times a week, along with play dates, birthday parties, grocery shopping, and everything else Peter has to remember.

Morgan obediently shoves another piece of pancake in her mouth and grins up at him.

Tony’s room is dim, only the warm lamp light filling the room.

“I brought you breakfast and a coffee,” Peter murmurs, settling them down on the nightstand. Some days, Tony’s better at pretending for Morgan’s sake at being okay. Today’s not one of those days.

He opens the thick curtains and pushes the window open, letting in some spring air, before cautiously touching Tony’s shoulder. He’s awake but unresponsive.

“Mister Stark?” Peter tries. He grabs the coffee off the nightstand and offers it out to Tony.

But his foot catches on the edge of the bed and the coffee spills over the white sheets.

The reaction is instant.

“Fucking hell, Parker!” Tony shouts, shoving the sheets off his legs to avoid burning his skin. “Had to go fuck this up too?”

“Mister Stark, I was just- I was just trying to help,” Peter says, caving into himself as he tries to clean up the coffee with his own sweater sleeves. It burns at his skin, but he doesn’t stop, movements panicky and shaking.

Tony shoves at his hands, getting to his feet. “Haven’t you done enough?”

Peter would’ve preferred it to be screamed at him, to be grabbed and shaken, to be punched. But it’s said quietly, cold, and something breaks in his chest.

“I was just trying to help. I’m sorry,” Peter repeats, blinking back tears. “It was an accident.”

“An accident? A fucking accident?”

Tony looks angrier than Peter had ever seen him. Angrier than the day of the ferry. Angrier than when he found out about the warehouse. Angrier than the day of Pepper’s funeral when he threw a fit.

“I’m sorry, Mister Stark.” It seems to be the only thing computing in his brain, anger slowly simmering because he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to be shouted at after all the work he’s constantly putting into the family, after taking over all of Tony’s responsibilities.

“Stop fucking apologizing!” Tony shouts, throwing his hands up in anger. “Stop fucking things up! Stop being a fucking nuisance! I don’t need you to bring me coffee and breakfast like I’m- like I’m a damsel in distress!”

Peter goes to snap at him, opens his mouth to shout that if Peter weren’t here, Morgan would be all by herself. That if he stopped being a ‘nuisance’, Tony would’ve starved to death and Morgan would’ve been alone because Tony isn’t being much of a role model right now.

But a quiet, “Petey?” stops him from going farther than opening his mouth.

“It’s okay, Momo, you wanna meet me at the car? I just gotta finish this up, alright? And then I’ll go take you to see Miss Sarah.”

“Daddy?” Morgan tries again, searching their faces for help, for some sort of clue for what to do.

But Tony doesn’t say anything. Just stands there, chest heaving for breath and tears burning at his eyes. So Peter takes the responsibility, like he always does.

“He’s okay, Mo, just sick, ‘member?” Peter says. “Go put on your shoes, okay? Meet me out at the car. You can choose which ones you want to wear.”

This seems to catch her attention because Peter hasn’t let her wear her sparkly new light-up shoes because of all the spring mud. She takes off from the doorway, disappearing from their views.

“Peter, I- I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“I’m going to take Morgan to the city,” Peter interrupts, trying his best to blink back tears. “She has an appointment with her therapist and it’s grocery day, so…”

It’s not Tony’s fault, Peter repeats in his head, he’s just grieving.

But there’s only so many times you can play the grief card, especially as an adult. There’s only so much Tony can do before it becomes inexcusable.

“Kid-”

“I’m seventeen,” Peter says, too much anger and venom filling his voice because Tony hadn’t been there for Peter’s seventeenth birthday after they got back from the Snap in late July. Tony hadn’t left this bed that day. Morgan didn’t know it was his birthday, nobody could take care of her, so Peter spent his birthday doting on Morgan like he was her parent, like always.

Tony flinches, sitting on the edge of his bed and cradling his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry, kid, I know I’ve been… I’ve been awful, I just-”

“It’s hard, I know,” Peter says, trying so hard to keep the bitterness from his voice. “I know what grief is like.”

Eyes wild and upset, Tony looks up from his hands, something too similar to the anger from before burning in his expression.

“You didn’t lose everything!” Tony says. “She was- Pep was my everything.”

It’s not his fault, Peter repeats like a mantra. It’s not his fault he thinks his grief is the end of the world, like the worst thing to have ever happened, grief has its ways of working like that.

“Well you have a daughter who lost her mom and now she’s lost her dad too because you won’t even show your face!” It’s a low blow and he hates himself for it, but he’s so sick and tired of carrying everything by himself. “She’s got me right now, and that’s it. All she’s got is a nuisance who can’t stop fucking up.”

The words to their job though. The anger from Tony’s face disappears like it was never there in the first place.

“Peter-”

“I think it would be better if I took Morgan and we stayed at May’s for the night,” Peter says. He has to be the adult.

He doesn’t want to leave Tony. Grieving alone. But he’s not going to let Morgan stay in a house that could be dangerous. Not that he doesn’t trust Tony, but he doesn’t want Morgan to be yelled at for any mistakes, not like he was.

And this is the breaking point for Peter. He’s spent months doing everything in his power to make sure Morgan and Tony are okay, but Tony hasn’t made any efforts to meet him halfway. All he’s done is throw anger and give the cold shoulder.

Peter knows what grief does to people. He’s seen it firsthand. When May lost Ben, the same scenario as Tony losing Pepper, May took care of Peter. She made sure that Peter was okay, and she got them both therapists and she met everything headstrong and chin held high. She grieved but she never made Peter feel like he wasn’t important, she never made Peter feel like a nuisance.

“Kid-”

Peter shakes his head, steels himself, and heads out of the cabin, refusing to look back.

*Peter waits in his car during Morgan’s session with Miss Sarah and cries.

And he knows he looks like a mess when he goes in to pick her up ninety minutes later.

Miss Sarah sees it immediately and she ducks her head to look at him properly, worry creasing her face.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

On one hand, the last thing he needs is to be scrutinized by a therapist, but on the other hand, she’s the first adult who’s sounded like they genuinely cared about his well being since the snap’s reversal.

Just that alone makes him want to break down.

“I’m okay, yeah. Just a rough morning, I guess,” he murmurs, trying to get a hold of himself. “Is Morgan doing alright?”

“She’s making stellar progress, Peter, but I’m worried about you and about Tony. From what Morgan tells me, you’re under a lot of stress.”

Peter shrugs, trying to look nonchalant as he looks over Sarah’s shoulder into her office where Morgan’s finishing up a coloring. “Tony’s dealing with a lot right now, so I’m stepping in as a caretaker, I guess. It just takes its toll.”

“You know it’s not your responsibility to take care of her, right? You’re not the adult,” she says. “You’re shaking, honey, do you want to sit down?”

He shoves his trembling hands into his hoodie pockets. “We should really be going. We’ll see you Sunday?”

“Of course,” Sarah replies, looking back at Morgan. “You know, I can always talk to you as well. I’ve always got room in my schedule for you, Peter.”

And Peter nods like he’d really accept the offer.

Instead, he takes Morgan’s hand, leads her out to the car and takes off to May’s apartment, refusing to let the tears bubble over.

They do, as they always do, you can’t stop tears forever.

Luckily, the tears wait until Morgan’s tucked into Happy’s arms and May’s got her arms around Peter.

And he breaks.

His head falls onto her shoulder and her arms wrap around his waist, soft shushing noises escaping her mouth as she looks over at Happy for help.

“Tony, he- I just- May, I can’t- I can’t do it anymore,” he cries. When the words start, they never seem to stop. “I fucked up and he yelled at me. He told me- He told me I was being a nuisance, that I shouldn’t be there anymore. He- I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t leave Morgan.”

“C’mon, kiddo, let’s go play in Petey’s room, okay?” He hears Happy say, leading Morgan out of the foyer.

Peter can’t stop shaking, can’t stop crying, can’t stop sinking under the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and I’m so tired, May. I’m so tired. Please, I can’t-”

“This never should’ve been put on you, kid,” May says, voice soft and gentle. She steadies him and leads him to the couch, letting him curl into her side. “It’s not your job to be the adult, to be Morgan’s parent. That’s not on you.”

“I just wanted to help,” Peter says, feeling pathetic and messy, like his whole being has been torn to pieces and strung across the world.

May nods, tipping her head down to look at him properly. “Get some rest, baby. We’ll take care of Morgan and I’ll call Tony, okay? He’s going to come through.”

Peter sobs, hiding his face in shame. “I can’t, May, I can’t sleep. I always have nightmares of- of Titan or the war or- I just- Please, I can’t sleep-”

“Peter, honey, I know you’ve gotten used to doing this alone, but I’m here now. If you have nightmares, I’ll be here to help.”

And that’s what he needed.

He needed an adult to tell him it would be okay. To hold him close and tell him that he didn’t have to do it all on his own. And May was there, she always was.

“Rest, honey. It’ll all be better soon, I promise.”

It had been weeks since he’d gotten good rest, always up at dawn for Morgan and always awake until the early hours of morning for Tony or schoolwork. His eyes closed on their own accord, slipping shut as May pulled a blanket around his shoulders.

And he believed her. He trusted her. He was still just a kid and when an adult says it’ll be okay, it has to be, right?

*He wakes crying, hands fumbling in the air to fight an invisible threat, but his hands are caught in the air.

“Hey, hey, hey, you’re alright, take a breath.”

And that certainly wasn’t May’s voice or even Happy’s.

“Tony?” Peter asks, voice breaking as the tears refused to slow.

“I’m here, kiddo, I- I’m sorry. I couldn’t possibly be more sorry than I am now. I really messed up and I’m going to fix it, alright?”

The living room is still bright, thankfully. Peter doesn’t know if he told anybody about his fear of the dark ever since he was dusted, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to spill those secrets now.

“I can’t do it anymore,” Peter admits through his tears, sniffling miserably as he pins Tony’s hand between Peter’s cheek and the cushion, closing his eyes. “I can’t do it.”

But Tony nods. He doesn’t get angry or upset or even push Peter away. “I know, kiddo, I’m sorry you had to do it in the first place. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I’m going to get better, okay? I’m going to fix this now. Sarah is setting me up with my own therapist and I’m going to start being a better parent, okay?”

“I’m sorry too,” Peter says. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I shouldn’t have taken your kid and left you. I should’ve kept going, been stronger, I just- I couldn’t-”

The silence that follows scares Peter more than he’d like to admit, blinking his eyes open as more tears spill down his cheeks and his trembling hands grab onto Tony’s sleeve.

“Please don’t- I can’t- Are you mad at me? Do you hate me? I shouldn’t have- I was trying so hard and I still wasn’t good enough-”

Tony’s thumb runs over Peter’s cheekbone, gently brushing away the tears. “I could never hate you, kiddo. You were so strong, so much stronger than I could’ve ever been, even if you shouldn’t’ve had to be. If anything, you should be mad at me, not viceversa. I saw the things you were doing for Morgan-”

“It was nothing.”

“You drove an hour into the city three times a week for her therapy. You did all the groceries, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, everything. Morgan even told me about her birthday party that you planned for her. You worked nonstop and all I did was be an ass to you. You had sticky notes all over your walls to remind you of the things you were doing like fucking dance lessons with Morgan. You went to mom-and-daughter dance lessons with Morgan every weekend. Don’t tell me that’s not nothing.”

“You should see our routine,” Peter says, laughing wetly. “I wear a bright pink tutu and everything.”

Tony offers a gentle smile. “You’re my kid too, Pete, not Morgan’s parent. You should be in high school with Ted and the scary girl, going out as Spider-Man, dealing with all the trauma you’ve thrown on the backburner, not taking care of the things I should’ve been doing.”

“You’re going to get better?” Peter asks, throat tightening.

“Yeah, kiddo. I think you and Morgan will stay here for a little bit while I work on getting myself in a better headspace, but May and Happy are going to be your parents, not you. And when I get better, I’m going to take over, alright? You can relax now.”

Peter hesitantly shuffles over on the couch, making space for Tony next to him with a tentative smile.

And Tony doesn’t hesitate to curl up beside Peter and hold his kid close. “Thank you for everything you did for me and Morgan, kid.”

“It’s what Pepper would’ve done.”

“I love you, you know that? And so did she, even if she was worse at admitting it than I was. She was the one who bought the matching Big Brother/Little Sister t-shirts for you two. She wanted you apart of the family as much as I did.”

“I love you too, Tony.”

This is compromise. This is Tony meeting Peter halfway. This is the first step in the right direction. And Peter believes the promises that everything will be okay. He wouldn’t trade the past few months for the world. He loves Morgan and Tony too much for that.

[thewhizzyhead]

you very much Should Keep going (if you’d like) I’m reading your tags like 👀👀👀 I wanna know More!!!

dude believe me i only just thought up 90% 9f this while doing my math homework last night so yea this is very barebones and this is very very new have very little to offer but um imma try to explain a bit more fjdjdc SO ANYWAYS GRADE 11

Warning: this is very long and I am very sorry aaAAAA also i only just thought of this last night and a while ago while attending class so um yea it's chaotic.

the songs i've mentioned so far in the tag ramble aren't um consecutive so yeah there are a lot of blank spaces in between fjsjsj and yea I haven't figured out the other leads and their arcs yet (probably 5-6 leads). for now um the planned songs feature 3 of the leads:

Kate - basically answers the question of What If Eva Sanchez Was The Protagonist and What If Eva Sanchez Saw The Hell That Is Don't Even (in this show, this song is called "Anakpota?" or "The Fuck?"); she's a transferee and is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new school environment; her reasons for transferring run a bit deeper than just "humanities is a lot more interesting than stem or business shits"; i guess her main character themes are burnout, the want for childlike wonder again and overcoming the fear that comes with chasing what you really want and no i am definitely not self projecting what are you guys talking about smh rhhdhs /hj (altho i admit that this is loosely based on my own experience with deciding to transfer schools) and yea she's a very closeted lesbian that slowly starts to comes out to others and to herself more throughout the course of the show. and also she gets a girlfriend YAY

Noel - rn i don't have that much planned out for him cause u know barebones plot but so far um i guess he's the chill dude, overall good guy, rantaro amami from danganronpa v3 vibes, and he's initially framed as the "love interest" for Kate esp in the song "Ikaw Ba Ay..." or "Are You..." (i wanted that to be a play on the typical Filipino Teen Hetero Romance CAUSE THAT SHIT IS IN EVERYWHERE JFJSJD I AM GONNA MAKE A WHOLEASS RANT ON THAT SOON AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME) but surprise motherfucker BOTH OF THEM ARE GAY AND BOTH BOND OVER IT AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS YAY WOOOO i kinda want him to be like the typical "Filipino Teen Heartthrob" star student with the twist being that he's gay and not make that a throwaway joke cause um yea that's a throwaway joke here that someone who is real catch for the heteros but is actually gay is "sayang" or "worthless" here.

Ella - ngl she is probably gonna end up as the main lead here fjdjd i'd say she has riley+chess vibes aka The School's Hotshot Achiever and Student Leader That Is Very Intimidating But Is Actually Really Freaking Kind and i guess with a dash of Kate Dalton-ish snark. Like i said the plot is barebones rn so i dunno anything but i do imagine them being the one that drives the plot forward due to her outspokenness. I also imagine her to be the one (along with Noel) that makes Kate a lil bit more comfortable with her sexuality and yup you guessed it Ella is gay too (bi to be specific oh and she uses she/they pronouns) and altho still a bit closeted, they're a bit more comfy with it. also they become Kate's gf yay!

those are the leads that i have kinda planned out so far but yea i still gotta expound kna lot of atuff and make up more leads for this but then again i just started conceptualizing this last night so ANYWAYS HERE ARE THE OTHERS SONGS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT UP LAST NIGHT (aside from the ones already mentioned)

+ "Nakakapanibago" or "Well This Is New" - Ella and Kate work together on a school project aaand gay panic ensues. both of them take turns in addressing the audience and panicking over each other in um er an "Oh My God She's Very Fucking Cute What The Fuck" way. it kinda has What Is This Feeling from Wicked vibes if you remove the aggression and antagonization jdjsd and i kinda emphasize on how overwhelmed they are cause for Kate, everything - from the school to the subjects to the people - is new and her attraction to Ella is like a cherry bomb on top of a chaos cake while for Ella, who has studied in the school since kindergarten which is why nothing about the school fazes her anymore, Kate is a literal breath of fresh air and the spontaneity scares them and excites them at the same time. The number is comedic (and is chance for me to add a shit ton of wordplay cause yAY WORDPLAY) but i guess also hints at their fears which will definitely come into play later.

+ "Mabuting Laban" or "Good Fight" - a group number led by Ella, this is the first song in the musical that isn't mostly comedic. like um the musical so far (before this song) is mostly somewhat of a parody-just-for-laughs-don't-take-this-seriously piece but with this, the show finally hints to something a lot more serious and insightful. so basically ella tells kate (this scene comes right after the Nakakapanibago sequence) that they have noticed that the latter is um very very shocked at the blatant show of LGBTQ+ stuff. Kate mentions that altho many students have since then spoke up for LGBTQ+ acceptance, things were a lot more conservative back in her former school (once again wooo definitely not self projection /hj) so like seeing all this is very new to her. Ella then mentions that things weren't always like that - a lot of fighting had to be done in order to get to that point. and because most of the students already were branded with a rebellious reputation (for a lot of delinquent behavior), they really didn't give a fuck anymore if they were being controversial or not. What mattered was that they would make the school environment a lot more welcoming for themselves and for others. That sentiment is also shared by other leads singing along as they go out of their way to ensure a much better environment for everyone (in terms of lgbtq+ rights, undoing the stigmatization of mental health matters, student activism yadda yadda)

(oh and also this kinda serves as something that bridges the prejudices between the two schools since Ella's school is famous for a lot of student delinquency while Kate's former school is famous for being known as the "Best School In The Region With The Best Students" (which is why Ella understands why the students in Kate's school are a bit more hesitant to speak up because Kate's former schoolmates got way too much to lose) and the rivalry those schools have with each other cause students from ella's school think those from kate's school are pompous little shits while those from kate's school think that ella's schoolmates are delinquents and yes this is commentary on the dynamic my former school'scstudents and my current school's students share) (i should probably give this its own song)

+ "Ayoko" or " I Don't Want It" - (this does not come right after Mabuting Laban fjsjd i honestly dunno where to put this) this comes right after a conversation regarding her reputation in her former school and yea this is Kate poking fun at the "I Want" song musical trope. Like um she addresses the audience saying something along the lines of "oooohh wow complicated backstory exposition! you are probably expecting a song rn ala "How Far I'll Go" from Moana but guess what bitches fuck you all cause i'm gonna sing a song about the things I don't want just to fucking annoy you." it starts off as incredibly satirical and um Kate Dalton-vibes all throughout the scene with lots of pettiness which will then gradually transition to her singing about how she threw all the opportunities presented to her by the former school just because she really didn't want to do them and was tired of saying "yes" just to be enough for them. She then starts singing about her taking control of her own narrative by finally leaving the school. She still laments about those lost opportunities and admits that she still kinda wants to pursue those, but if she has to sacrifice rest for greatness, then she doesn't want it. The song ends with a verse akin to most I Want songs as she finally admits what she really wants the most: rest and wonder.

also here's a verse i made up just a while ago

Diyos ko, sabihin mo, ano pa ang kailangan kong gawin/upang mabawi ang mga ninakaw sa akin/upang maibalik ang pag-asang nawala/upang sa wakas ako'y makakapagpahinga/sapagkat hindi na ako nagnanais ng kadakilaan/ang hinihingi ko lamang ay ang aking kabataan

translation (i'll try my best to make it rhyme): My God, tell me, what else do i have to do/so I can take back all that they have taken from me/so that I can bring back the hope I've long so been deprived of/so that for once in my life, I'll be able to breathe/ cause I no longer want all the greatness that you say I could've had/ I only want to wonder, I only want my childhood back

+ "Halos Lagi Nalang"or "Almost Always The Same" - if this sounds familiar yes i rambled about this before gjdjdjd I started conceptualizing this song even before i even started conceptualizing the musical. So yea this is in Act 2 the song starts with mentioning the exhaustion that comes with being an LGBTQ+ teen in the philippines cause yup same old conservative religious bullshit same old same old shit and despite many a lot of people advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, nothing ever changes around here because well conservative religious bullshit. so yea this is kind of an extension of "Good Fight" but make it more about the burnout felt by a lot of teens that want something better than whatever we have right now. Then it will also apply to the other causes that the leads fight for (activism,destigmatization of mental health stuffs, etc). I'd say it's a combination of Before the Breakdown + Move On musically speaking (yea PMA has influenced me by a LOT). eventually this becomes one of the star numbers fo the show cause yea all the leads will do a shit ton of singing and harmonizing (but for here i'd say Noel and Kate have a tiny bit more of the spotlight since for now they are the ones with the very LGBTQ+ based plotlines). I really REEAAALLY want this song to work aaaa i've been playing around with the melody a lot recently and if i can't write the whole musical, then i'll be content with at the very least writing this song

+ "Try Lang Natin" or "Let's Try It Out" - this is a very barebones sequence atm but basically it's a scene where both Kate and Ella come to terms with their fears related to uncertainty and go "fuck it we don't know jackshit about the future anyway so why not ondulge a bit and ejoy what we have today" and decide to start going out with each other YAYYYYY and also this is like one of the few scenes here were Ella is much more visibly nervous compared to everyone else in the scene so yay for helping each other come to terms with their own vulnerabilities WOOOOO (also paige i remember you saying once that kate and eva could've had a Forever reprise duet right? And correct me if i'm wrong but i think u said it could be about eva assuring kate that she won't go anywhere? WELP I'M STEALING THAT JFJSJJDF /lh /hj AND YUP KATE AND ELLA ARE BASICALLY UM KINDA KATEVA IF YOU SQUINT SO THANK YOU PAIGE FOR THAT IDEAAAA)

AND THAT'S IT SO FAR WOO THIS TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO TYPE IT ALL OUT FJDJSJFF i'm kinda impressed with this ngl considering that i literally started making this up last night and i hope that i can make something out of it woo

And if you guys somehow reached the end of the post and have read every single thing, I'm sending you a lot of hugs and a lot of milkshakes

[writingpuddle]

“Don’t you ever get lonely?” Nicky asked, digging in his pack for a chocolate bar. To their left, the cliff dropped away precipitously, sheer granite cliffs like sentinels at the end of the world.

Neil stared at Nicky. “No,” he said.

“What, never?”

Neil looked out across the sweeping vista of mountains before them. A speck that could have been a hawk or a raven or a sparrow spun against the sky, too small and distant to judge. He’d stood in the middle of busy cities; he’d gone to school with hundreds; he’d even tried out for a track and field team once. He’d been surrounded by people, and he had been so ferociously lonely it had been like a knife in his chest.

“No,” he said, because he didn’t know how to explain—didn’t even want to, really. He’d felt more alone back in the so-called real world than he’d ever felt in the wilderness, miles from any other person. When there was no one around, there was no one to miss.

~~~The Long-Distance Hiker AU (A Bullet Point Fic)~~~

So after Neil’s mom died he kinda of ghosted around for a while and eventually ended up in a small hiking town in California

He met a bunch of thru hikers and figured, hey, my dad probably won’t find me if I’ve fucked off into the wilderness

So he starts hiking

And pretty soon he realizes it’s the best thing he could imagine

He spends all summer in the mountains and when winter rolls around he finds a temporary job in a skiing town working in a second hand gear shop

He’s an ultralighter in the most accidental sense possible

His gear is weird and cobbled together and his shoes are held together with dental floss

He sleeps under a tarp with a down blanket and a thin foam mat and he’ll eat the same shit day in day out without even registering it while he covers frankly obscene distances every single day

It basically gives Kevin an ulcer

Kevin’s an ultralighter, but in the stuck up, rich bitch way; his gear is probably worth thousands of dollars and he’ll lecture anyone who listens about ripstop nylon and is super snobby and elitist about who is a so-called “real” thru hiker (hint: anyone who doesn’t do it his way isn’t a real thru hiker)

(don’t worry he’ll get smacked around a little by people like Dan and stop being such a little bitch about it but he grew up rich so even though it might’ve been shit living with Riko he really doesn’t always take into consideration the context of how much fucking money gear costs when he’s preaching about ultralighting)

(yes I’m taking out my dislike for pretentious rich ultralighters on him, okay, but the difference is he’ll have character growth versus the people I met are probably still being preachy and self-important to this day)

Andrew’s like the exact opposite

His pack weighs like seventy pounds and he’ll pull a six-inch knife (a gross misuse of smart gear weight management) at anyone who comments

He has a completely contained single person tent that’s big enough to sit up in and a four-inch inflatable mattress

His sleeping bag is rated to like -20 even when he’s hiking in the summer

Nicky swears he once saw him pull a full-sized chocolate cake out of his backpack three days down the trail and everyone says that’s stupid and made up but secretly think its totally true

Andrew likes to hike alone but somehow he’s never more than a day away from Aaron and Nicky and when he keeps showing up near them it gets harder and harder to pretend like he doesn’t actually care about them

Nobody says anything, obviously, but Nicky gets a little teary when he starts to notice the pattern

It was Nicky’s idea; in this universe Erik got him into hiking when he was in Germany so he got the cousins into it as a bonding exercise and then it turned out it was the best family activity they had ever found

This is several years after they graduated and they’ve scrounged together enough time and money to hike the Pacific Crest Trail

Now the upperclassmen:

So Stephanie Walker is a trail angel: one of those people who lives near a long trail and provides snacks and rides and somewhere to stay and basically helps out anyone who comes by with whatever’s going on; she’s pulled a lot of people out of frankly dangerous situations and she’s not afraid of anything the trail has to offer

So Renee finds herself and her faith while living this life of meeting new hikers every day and it’s almost inevitable that she starts to hike and find solace in the wilderness

Allison is one of those Wild types: she’s done some hiking (much to her parents’ chagrin) but she’s never done a thru trail or even much overnighting before, but she’s ready to throw herself into it and doesn’t care how dirty she gets

She totally carries a tiny spa package though

The other women are very skeptical because they take pride in being free from societies expectations and make up and shaving but they come around after Allison pulls it out one time when they’re seven days into a ten day section and gives them face masks and they all have a little pedicure pampering session (so, so needed when your feet are being beaten and bruised by hard terrain all day)

She has a lot of new, expensive gear and is super touchy about people trying to help her (because a beautiful woman absolutely gets people trying to “help” all the time and it’s infuriating and condescending) but she learns to accept help from her closest friends

She was showing off near the beginning of the trail drinking with a bunch of guys and probably got too sloshed trying to act tough (alcohol hits you waaaay harder at high elevations dude, if you’re not expecting it you can get Fucked Up really fast)

It’s Seth who realizes things are getting out of control and pulls her out before the guys can do anything shitty which is how their friendship and eventually their relationship gets started

They piss everyone off with their constant breaking up and getting back together on the trail, sometimes hiking together for days and then splitting up and going to hike with other people but they find a lot of healing out there in the woods

Seth’s mom is totally dismissive and condescending of his hiking, she thinks it’s a stupid waste of time, but she thinks everything he does is a stupid waste of time so at least when he’s out there without cell service he has an excuse to not respond to her

Now Dan

Dan’s trailer trash, right

She’s got no fucking cash but she has this dream in her head to hike the PCT and she’s going to fucking well do it

Her gear is probably most similar to Neil’s except where his is a mess of weird priorities and held together by spit and twine

Hers is meticulously planned

It’s cheap, some of it’s over forty years old, but it’s hers

It’s probably the only stuff in the world that’s actually hers

She accumulated it over about four years, hitting all the second-hand gear events, saving up every penny, packing and repacking and writing everything out in great detail until David Wymack got wind of her plans at a gear event

He’s one of those guys who hiked the PCT thirty years ago back before anyone knew what it was except instead of feeling superior about that it means he knows exactly how much impact experiencing the wilderness can have for disenfranchised people

He approaches Dan and offers to sponsor her hike

She’s resistant at first; she planned this hike, she got all the stuff together, she was going to do it without anyone’s help

But he comes back and says he just wants her to write about her experiences and publish it on his website

He’ll pay her for the work, of course

And she wavers and finally caves because this will move her plans up by about two years if she can make money while she’s hiking instead of having to hoard up enough cash to take six whole months off

Her blog posts are a huge hit

She doesn’t preach about how the mountains saved her, or get too metaphorical about hiking or anything like that

She just talks about the real, raw experience of hiking

The friendships, the trials, the triumphs

The infuriating people whose mental image of the hiking community doesn’t include poor black girls who grew up in a trailer park, who say she’s an inspiration like they actually mean something else

She talks about the days that she flies up the mountains and the days that she can barely drag herself out of her tent and the day she realizes that Allison and Renee, these women she thought could not be more different from her, are the best friends she’s ever had in the world

And she’s takes fucking amazing pictures

She’s also very determined not to have a trail romance

That’s stupid and cliché

Look that guy Matt might be hot but she’s not interested

He’s clearly working through some stuff and she’s not here to be some guys savior or whatever

So Matt then

His mom helped him get sober a couple years ago and he’s been struggling with it ever since

She got him into hiking as an outlet and a healthy hobby and he took to it like a fish to water

He’s got legs for days and he doesn’t mind carrying a heavy pack, he can hike for hours without stopping

(The fact that he’s faster than her pisses Dan off a bit, but sometimes you gotta accept that you’ve got short legs and just hike your own hike, there aren’t any prizes for speed)

He relapsed again a couple months before his hike started and he and Randy weren’t even sure if he was going to be able to do it but he’s damned well going to try

So anyway

Pretty much everyone is trying to actually hike the PCT except Neil

He drives everyone bonkers

His motivation isn’t really about the trail so much as staying out in the wilderness where there are no gangsters to murder you

So he just does whatever he wants and keeps showing up at random points

He’s technically got one of the thru hiker permits but he frequently goes off on side trails not on the PCT and ends up hiding out in the woods so rangers won’t find him

He’ll just hitchhike straight through boring sections or anywhere that you pass through too many towns where he’d rather not be remembered

He keeps coming back to the PCT but it’s more like it’s a rough guideline of where to go than an actual route he’s taking

He’s got his natural colouring back because who’s dying their hair or wearing fucking contacts on the trail?

But also

Who would ever associate a runaway mafia kid with a guy with overgrown hair and a stained t-shirt who’s sitting serenely on a mountain pass in a photo on David Wymack’s website?

Nobody

That’s right kids, Nathan doesn’t have a role in this one because he doesn’t find Neil

Maybe he gets killed in a shoot out or something and some other gangster steps up and takes over, and in the shuffle Neil’s just kinda forgotten

Maybe he finds out months later and he just stares at the computer in shock because he should have known, shouldn’t he? He should have felt it when his father died

He should have realized that he was free

That happens later though

Who fucking cares what Riko’s doing honestly

Kevin has somehow attached himself to Andrew and is driving him up the wall with advice to improve his hiking/base weight/distance/etc and he sees this guy (Neil) who regularly covers like thirty or forty miles a day (obscene!) and is like YES this guy is my people!

Except when he starts talking to Neil he realizes he’s this total weirdo who doesn’t even have a cook set he just eats cold food (a common enough thing among ultralighters, but not like this. Oh god, not like this)

Neil’s just sitting there gnawing on a pack of uncooked ramen like a fucking animal

And he’s not! Even! Hiking! Properly!

You’ll never finish the trail if you hike like this!

Neil just gives him a blank look

He’s got no interest on getting on some “verified” list of people who hiked the PCT, he just likes hiking

Andrew likes him

I mean obviously he despises him what the hell is with that janky ass setup but also he’s so unconventional and unapologetic how could Andrew not be into that?

They’re the kind of people who give wilderness rescue personnel grey hair, but for completely opposite reasons

Neil keeps running into them because even though he covers so much ground every day, his meandering route means he doesn’t actually move down the trail very fast

They’ll be like wait weren’t you like a week ahead of us and he’s like oh yeah I heard about this cool waterfall and took a sixty mile side trail to visit it and nearly ran into a momma bear with two cubs, it was awesome

And they all start to grow on him, and each other, almost accidentally

Look none of them are out there romanticizing the trail as some kind of magical place where the problems of the real world disappear and the people are somehow more pure and true or whatever

People are people and they bring their issues wherever they go

But there is a paring down

When your daily concerns are just mileage and shoes and food and weather, a lot of other stuff fades into the background

And well the truth is a lot of people are on those trails to work through stuff

And they find each other

Gradually, without even really noticing

They team up in June, groups of three or four with crampons and ice axes to get over the Sierra’s.

Neil was planning to just do side hikes and wait for the snow to melt—he isn’t so reckless he wants to go over the ice alone, but Kevin insists he join them and for the first time he hikes in a group with Kevin and the cousins all together.

It’s weird

He’s not used to people talking to him when he’s hiking and he frequently doesn’t respond and it’s not because he’s being rude he’s just so focussed on what he’s doing and what’s around him that he literally doesn’t hear them

And then

Nicky slips

It’s not his fault, they did nearly everything right (Kevin may be a pretentious ass, but he does know his shit) but sometimes shit just happens for no reason

And they’re at the edge of the ice sheet so Nicky’s just untying himself from the rope that links them together, he’s not even moving, and the snow beneath him shifts and he doesn’t even have time to scream before he’s hurtling down the snow below the trail towards the cliff at the bottom of the ice sheet

Neil doesn’t even hesitate

He dives after him, ice axe in one hand like a fucking gladiator and gets his arm wrapped around Nicky’s waist

He slams the ice axe into the snow and it drags behind them, and it looks like it’s not going to catch, and the edge is getting closer and closer—

Until the axe catches something, and Nicky and Neil lurch to a halt, clinging to each other, hanging off of Neil’s one arm and the axe.

Neil looks up and sees Andrew, Aaron and Kevin in various places on the slope above them, their axes dug in and long gouge marks in the snow beneath their heels, strung together by a ropeline that’s still attached to Neil’s waist

That rope is probably the only thing that slowed them down enough that Neil could stop them without ripping his arm clean off

It’s hardly a by-the-book rescue, and in fact it was pretty stupid, but they’re okay, they’re okay, that’s all that matters

That night they light a fire down by a lake and Nicky cries on Aaron’s shoulder and Andrew keeps clenching his fists because he’s never felt so helpless in his life and it was Neil that jumped, not him

He knows that he was at the far end of the line and he would’ve made it worse if he had, but doing nothing while Neil risked his life to save Nicky

They don’t really talk about it

But you kind of can’t help being friends after that

And even after they’re out of the high mountains and back on solid trails Neil keeps tabs on them

And Nicky befriends the others and without even meaning to they start to develop a sort of loose trail family vibe

They’re not hiking together all the time like some of the groups they meet, but they check on each other all the time and wait up in resupply villages and bond over firepits and shitty hot chocolate mixes and swap tips on how to keep the butt-chafing at bay

Neil sticks to the outskirts, mostly, but he starts to open up a little, in fits and spurts, tiny non-specific things that wouldn’t even register to most people but that this particular group knows means more than that

He’s slowing down, too, sometimes hiking entire days with people and covering half his usual distance even when there’s no cliffs or glaciers threatening him

He likes hiking with Andrew the most, though

Because neither of them are big talkers when they’re hiking and Andrew’s pack might be absurdly heavy but he’s got legs the size of tree trunks and endurance to match, so he might not be fast but he can outwalk half the people on the trail by sheer relentlessness

They both like to camp up high, near treeline (so Neil can set up his tarp) and in the places that it’s legal they’ll start a small fire and Andrew will loan Neil his pot so he can actually cook his fucking ramen for once and sometimes they’ll watch the Milky Way rise and share secrets under the open sky, not looking at each other so they don’t break the illusion, and sometimes they won’t say anything at all but it’s okay, because they’re saying nothing together.

It’s nice

It’s maybe more than nice

The summer draws to a close and Neil is starting to realize that he doesn’t want it to

He never wants the hiking season to end but this time it’s different

This summer has been perfect

And he knows deep in his bones that once they leave the trail things will change

The others have lives to return to, and Neil…

The trail is all he has

And if he’s barely hiking alone at all these days, well, who’s going to call him out on it?

The others like having him around because he stops them from getting too fixated on the Trail to see the trail

He still takes side trips but now sometimes people will come along and he’ll stand at the base of a canyon staring up at the glossy white walls and Dan will snap a photo for her blog and smile, because the PCT is just a line on a map, but the hike is all of them; together

He’s hiking with Andrew in September when a storm hits, this time vicious

Neil huddles under his tarp in resignation

Storms suck, he always gets wet, no matter how much he lowers the tarp, but he’s used to it; he just waits it out

But it’s just getting worse

Hail lashing at the tarp and pummelling the ground and maybe for once he regrets camping so high up

And Andrew has to shout to be heard but finally Neil realizes he’s offering to let Neil come into his tent

You’re going fucking freeze, just get in here

Neil goes

It’s weird

It’s instantly weird

The tent is not built for two people, so they’re both sitting cross legged with their heads ducked to not press against the roof

The storms probably not going to let up soon, Andrew says

Yeah, Neil says.

Andrew sighs

Lie down, he says, and Neil does, and Andrew lies down next to him, shoulder to shoulder

It barely works, only because neither of them are very big people

Neil’s pack is outside wrapped in his tarp and all he has is his damp down blanket but he’s not cold anymore, not with Andrew bundled up in his ridiculous sleeping bag right next to him

The storm rages for nearly two days and what passes between them in that tent, nobody knows

If they’re barely ever seen apart after it, well. You only see people so often on the trail. It could easily be a coincidence

And if Neil doesn’t even set his tarp up on rainy nights anymore, well. They never camp near other people anyway, so who’s to know?

In early October the snow blows in, blocking the route to the finish.

They drift around a resupply village for almost two weeks, waiting for the trail to reopen, but finally even Kevin accepts that it isn’t going to

After all of that, none of them are going to finish the trail

It’s a disappointment—of course it is. For most of them, the end of their trip is now a nondescript exit into a village, no fanfare, no closure; they didn’t even know they were done for days

Still, it’s not so bad

They’re all together

Allison suggests Vegas, but they all laugh it down; they wouldn’t even know how right now, bearded and hairy and ravenous as they are

They go to South Carolina instead

It’s not really even discussed that they’ll stay together, they just all go; Allison hosts them at her resort and they laugh at the incongruous weirdness of seeing each other in real clothes, and it’s different, but it’s also okay

They stay for another two weeks, and they don’t hike another fucking inch

We should try the Continental Divide Trail sometime, Dan says

Her blog is so popular now that she’s got sponsorships from more than just Wymack waiting for her

She could make a career out of hiking and blogging and doing gear reviews and it’s a dream she’d never even realized she wanted until she had it

And if she accidentally fucked up and ended up with a hot trail boyfriend? Well, nobody’s perfect

And he has a great butt

(she has photos of it on her blog, from when they jumped into a glacier lake naked back in August)

Everyone is jealous

How about that trek in Iceland? Matt suggests

Or the whats-it-called in New Zealand, Allison says

Oh, I bet there’s some good ones in Europe! Nicky says. You guys can all meet Erik!

And it’s going to be different, but it’s not going away, and Neil feels calm in a way he never has at the end of a hiking season before

Eventually everyone has to start making plans to return to their lives, and jobs, and Neil sneaks out to the back of the house to sit in crisp fall air and watch leaves spiral down out of the trees

Andrew follows him

They sit together, watching the moon rise over the hills, and when Andrew asks Neil to come home, Neil says yes

[into1-wonderland]

Baby!Into1 x Daycare au | Intro

(ft. Bo Yuan as the caretaker of the 10 chaotic bunch, ranging from the ages of 3-5)

a/n: hello hello yumi here~ so this is the first into1 au of mine that will ever see the light of day. at first I was going to write things for it, but honestly I'm going to make it into a series with incorrect quotes to attach with it. this post will be the bios of all the babies and our lovely caretaker Bo Yuan, so enough of me babbling and I hope you guys could enjoy~

First off, we have the Caretaker™ Bo Yuan:

my mans is like in his 20's rn

wanted to open up a little day care as like side job/internship because he wanted to teach kids in the future so he was like “might as well start working with kids now!”

and so

he did it

only regretted his life decisions when his devil number 1 and devil number 2 does something bad

other times he really enjoy looking after them! and he doesn’t even feel like it’s a job!

has been thinking about taking a field trip with all 10 of them but he’s afraid: 1) he might lose one 2) he might lose himself 3) can they behave themselves

his favorite thing to do is having all of them gather around while reading a fairytale to them for nap time

or sometimes he would sing a song

he has a lot of favorite things in day care, literally having all 10 of them just there makes him happy

except when lin mo and nine is having a scream off:

lin mo: ahh

nine: aHH

lin mo: AHH

nine: AHHHHH-

bo yuan, running into the room: what’s wrong?

ak: screaming

bo yuan: why?

patrick, with his hands over his ears: TO SEE WHOS LOUDER

all the other boys: *nods*

isnt always watching the kids 24/7, since day 1 when the kids came in he told them the rules of the daycare and kinda just let them familiarize the place

(bo yuan: its a daycare, and they are kids, they are suppose to have fun!

keyu, in the back, mumbles: i wanna climb the tree in the yard

bo yuan, turns around: keyu no)

///////////

And now we have the kids!!

Liu Yu:

4 years old

very quiet, just likes to sit and read and draw

the most obedient one, and likes to follow around bo yuan

well,, most of the time

he’s played a few pranks on bo yuan like:

bo yuan: liu yu nap time is over you have to wake up

liu yu: *not moving*

bo yuan, gently nudged liu yu: liu yu wake up!

liu yu: *continues to fake sleep and not move*

bo yuan: *leans closer to liu yu’s face to make sure hes not sick or has a fever*

liu yu, scares bo yuan: WAH

bo yuan: liu yu dont do that! you scared me!

liu yu: *giggles*

likes to stretch and bend himself in odd positions

(bo yuan: everyday I’m in fear that he will snap himself in half)

kinda an introvert but once he hangs around everyone for a bit he will open up to them and fit himself in very well

likes to organize and keep things how he found them/have special places where he organizes his toys

jiayuan: *moves liu yu’s fan*

liu yu: hey! put that back!!

has really good etiquettes and never really fights or argues or bicker with the other kids

but likes to joke around and mess around with once in a while

patrick: wahhh i put my cupcakes here who took one!

liu yu, hiding it behind his back: idk maybe keyu took it?

the least of bo yuan’s worries since he’s always in bo yuan’s sight, also he’s aware of his surroundings so he actually helps bo yuan make sure everything’s okay

(bo yuan: i made a checklist for myself on the whiteboard and liu yu likes to check things off for me, he said “coloring in the boxes is fun” so now he's the reason why i get all my work done)

-----------

Santa:

4 years old

riki’s best friend

super happy and bright, like a ray of sunshine

is easily scared

lin mo: hi

santa: WAHHHHH BO YUAN GEGE

really likes bo yuan, would stick on to him a lot and ask him about everything

santa: bo yuan gege whats this?

santa: bo yuan gege what’s that?

santa: bo yuan gege what are you making right now?

hangs out with liu yu and mika a lot (other than riki)

riki is older than him but would hold riki’s hand and take him around like a didi

also really likes racing with mika for E V E R Y T H I N G

(bo yuan: yeah couple days ago they tried to race who can fall asleep faster but because they kept on peeking at each other so they basically didn’t sleep till i said i’ll watch for them)

really likes to dance, every time he hears music he would start grooving around

loves learning new things, which is probably the reason why he always asks bo yuan so many questions

also least one of bo yuan’s worries, just gotta make sure jiayuan and lin mo don’t pull pranks on him

(bo yuan: well they dont really pull prank pranks, its just once lin mo grabbed a frog and started running around and showing it to everyone, but lin mo lost grip and the frog jumped on santa)

-----------

Rikimaru:

5 years old

looks like he’s 3, acts like he’s 3, but is actually 5

best friends with santa! always sticks around him and likes to tug on a corner of his shirt out of habit

bo yuan: alright everyone it’s nap time! i’ve made the beds for everyone

riki, sees his bed is not next to santa: bo yuan gege can you switch my bed next to santa? i wanna be next to santa

he didn’t start speaking till he was 4 so he often stutters when he talk and just looks confused a lot (it's because he’s thinking and formulating his words)

santa and the other kids would always have to interpret for him

bo yuan: riki I brought some snacks today do you want cookies or marshmallows?

riki: ???

santa, motioning with his hands: bo yuan gege said do you want the white fluffies or brown crunchies

riki: oh! crunchies!

squishy cheeks,, bo yuan’s favorite thing is to squish his cheek everytime he sees him

riki: gud mooning bo yuan gege!

bo yuan, squishes riki’s cheeks: ahh I haven’t seen you in so long good morning!!

nine: wait wasnt riki here yesterday??

also likes to stretch,, often seen around with liu yu and they just help each other

(bo yuan: i am afraid he will snap himself in half too)

not too much of bo yuan’s worries, besides the fact that he might get kidnapped because he’s so oblivious

(bo yuan: we were playing outside in the yard once and riki just wandered off because he thought the neighbor’s flowers were pretty)

-----------

Mika:

4 years old

also kinda an introvert, doesn’t interact with too many people

usually it’s santa that approaches him first or keyu^^

found a ukulele in the toy bin one time and wouldn’t let go of it (he claims it’s his now)

his favorite activity at daycare is when they all sing together, that’s when he smiles the most and has the most fun

the one that likes to nap the most

also likes to help bo yuan cook once in a while (mostly just having mika washing vegetables and passing things to bo yuan)

very laid back and not noisy (till he starts playing the ukulele)

often gets scared by lin mo’s sudden screams (actually, lin mo scares a lot of people, sorry to mika’s ears)

also not one of bo yuan’s worries, literally there’s nothing to worry about with mika, all the kids just likes to sit around mika and pet his head so he keeps everyone safe

(bo yuan: one time I couldn’t find any of the kids in the play room, apparently they were all in the napping corner petting mika’s head since he just got a hair cut)

-----------

Nine:

4 years old

loud, very loud.

pouts a lot

everyone calls nine cute, even the boys who are younger than him

likes to boss around patrick because he’s older

nine: patrick gimme that juice box!

patrick: you’re closer you get it!

nine: i’m older than you!

literally scared of everything

if he hasn’t seen it before and it’s living, he’s scared

jiayuan: *holds a bowl of tadpoles*

nine, several feet away: WAHHH WHAT IS THAT

the happiest when he gets snacks + real food food

also really likes to sing!! his favorite thing is watching disney movies because there’s so much music in it and he just loves to sing along

he’s not part of bo yuan’s worries because he’s literally scared of everything, but nine is really naive and would do things that the other kids tell him to do so, it’s a 50/50 on nine

(bo yuan: there was an edible decorative flower on keyu’s birthday cake couple days ago, and somehow jiayuan convinced nine all flowers were edible. so today during outside time nine almost ate the neighbor’s flowers)

-----------

Lin Mo:

3 years old

LOUD. VERY LOUD.

probably the craziest most hyper one out of them all

he and jiayuan always have something bad planned

literally doesn’t have a moment where he’s calm

constantly in bickering mode with ak

lin mo: NO IM RIGHT

ak: NO. IM RIGHT

patrick: what are they arguing about?

keyu: *shrugs*

but is also best friends with ak so he’s also calm around him

(bo yuan: yeah these two have on and off days, you can never predict it)

and also constantly naruto runs around the daycare

bo yuan: lin mo stop running!

lin mo: *nyoom*

he also once nyoomed into keyu

keyu: ow what was that for?

lin mo: you were in my way!

and now he nyooms into keyu for fun

a very good mood maker

likes to smile/laugh a lot

would calm down if you show him a movie or a cartoon

number 2 on bo yuan’s worry list because he’s the "bad influence" for everyone, also he reduces hearing for everyone

(bo yuan: i’ve secretly made a tally book on how many times i have to say “lin mo” in a concerning tone this week and he came in 2nd. he was only here for like 3 days!)

-----------

Zhang Jiayuan:

3 years old

YOURE THREE STOP SMIRKING LIKE THAT

couple months younger than lin mo but this is the real culprit under a lot of his and lin mo‘s plans

it’s just because jiayuan has a lot of crazy ideas and he says them out loud and lin mo is just like “yes”

also sometimes they are just accidents, but he's always doing weird questionable things with lin mo

got really sad one time because he brought tadpoles and put them in the fish tank and killed them since the fish went nom

but then started to constantly catch for tadpoles to feed the fishes

bo yuan: jiayuan stop, you’re killing the frog population!

jiayuan: but the fishies are hungry *pouts*

likes to fight/mess around with keyu for no reason

keyu: *sitting there, drawing*

jiayuan, with a squishy hammer: *bops keyu’s head*

but also will protect keyu if anyone tries to mess with him

lin mo: *nyooms into keyu for the 3rd time of the day* jiayuan, hugs keyu: stop hurting him!

the calmest thing he likes to do is taking care of plants, probably because he saw bo yuan spraying the plants one time and he like to squeeze the spray bottle

number 1 on bo yuan’s worry list, this child is literally not safe alone or with anyone. they were trying to celebrate keyu’s birthday and jiayuan tried to touch the candles, while it was lit, by the flame.

(bo yuan: i just got the tablets and haven’t set up children mode, so i’ll take the blame for this one. but also why are kids so good with technologies nowadays??)

-----------

Patrick:

3 years old

squishy :D

smiley :DD

favorite thing is nap time and snack time

somehow knows every location where bo yuan hides their snacks

bo yuan: *getting the snacks that he hid in the piano*

patrick: *sitting next to the window sill with the snack* hi~

of course bo yuan can never get mad at patrick for eating the snacks because patrick doesn’t do anything bad

also he's a growing child

best friends with keyu,, and drags him on to “adventures”

*the daycare got a new toy play house*

patrick: bo yuan gege, keyu and I are moving out so we can go on an adventure!

keyu: I didnt agree to this??

wants bo yuan to add dress up into the daycare games, since he wants to dress up the other boys in the daycare

patrick: i call it, patrick fashion!

not part of bo yuan’s worries till he’s on his hunt for the hidden snacks, just because bo yuan is afraid he might hurt himself

(bo yuan: i started hiding the snacks higher up and one time i saw him trying to climb on keyu’s shoulders to grab it)

-----------

Zhou Keyu:

3 years old

smart, but really clueless at the same time

tall, but has the personality of smol

likes to draw

also likes to read with patrick,, but usually patrick falls asleep so it’s him, the book, and a sleeping patrick

wears glasses all the time since his vision isn’t so good but somehow he makes glasses look good on him???

has a chain with his glasses because there too many glasses incident with keyu

glasses #1 keyu: I don’t like them! *takes it off and loses it*

glasses #2 keyu: *takes them off for nap time, but riki accidentally rolled on to them and snapped it*

glasses # we don’t know how many: *disconnected from the keyu universe*

also like a month younger than lin mo but literally has to make sure lin mo doesnt “blow” the place up

lin mo: what if I stuck this fork into the pluggie thing?

keyu, picking lin mo up: nope you’re not

when keyu is clueless he either stands there or just sit there and space out, not really noticeable but bo yuan ran into him doing that a couple times

(bo yuan: I thought he was an ai that was malfunctioning, it scared me at first but now I know he just doesn’t remember what he’s doing)

oh did I mention this,, even though he’s one of the youngest, he’s the tallest, with that advantage he likes to try to pick people up

jiayuan: keyu pick me up!

keyu: no

patrick: keyu likes me more he will pick me up!

keyu: no

patrick: *pouts*

keyu: *tries to pick both jiayuan and patrick up at the same time*

bo yuan, running over: ZHOU KEYU PUT THEM DOWN YOULL BREAK YOURSELF

not too high up on bo yuan’s worry list, give him a piece of paper or book or anything he would just calmly sit there and do something with it

(bo yuan: every time when we do art or reading its so hard to pry keyu away, he has to finish what he was doing and he’s so concentrated he doesn’t hear anybody)

-----------

Liu Zhang (AK):

4 years old

loud, VERY LOUD.

he doesn’t know he’s loud

bo yuan: ak you don’t have to yell

ak: OKAY

monopolized over all the instrument music type of toys in the daycare

bo yuan: ak you know you have to share your toys right?

ak: I gave the ukulele to mika

honestly having ak is like having a walking megaphone so bo yuan ended up actually making ak his little helper for announcements

bo yuan: ak go tell everyone is lunch time

ak: alright!

ak: *da da da running to fetch his little stool*

ak, stands on a little stool in the middle of the play room: ITS LUNCH TIMEEEEEE-

nine, swats ak’s leg: YOU SCARED ME

the only time ak is quiet is when he’s around lin mo, he kinda just likes to watch lin mo and follow him around so that’s that

unless lin mo starts messing with him, then you just lose your hearing for the day

also at first bo yuan was trying to see what ak is interested in, and he taught ak hot cross buns on the bells and thought that would calm ak down,, but oops ak ended up making more noises

patrick: I WANNA SLEEP AK

(bo yuan: I swear something happened to this kid or something. he’s not hard of hearing but he’s just naturally so loud)

i too would lose my hearing if im around ak so much

not to high on bo yuan’s worries but he just make sure ak isn’t being too loud and bothering the other kids, usually he’s pretty good about that but you never know when a little patrick will start napping or anyone really so gotta contain his energy

(bo yuan: ak is usually the first one that’s awake from nap time but its usually like 5-10min before everyone else so i told him he can go and play but he just has to be quiet)

///////////

alrighty !! now you've met everyone in the daycare, what kind of fun and chaotic adventures are they going to have??

(all future daycare au things will be incorrect quotes + short little one shots, this intro mostly served as a bio so you understand their personalities a bit, and i hope you enjoyed it!)

[maylovexhs]

everytime - IT IS WHAT IT IS (Chp. 34)

Author’s Note: OH MY GOD. I NEVER RECIEVED SO MANY LIKES ON A CHAPTER LIKE LAST ONE’S BEFORE. SO JUST THANK YOU! I’M SO HAPPY AT LEAST ONE PERSON LIKES MY STORY. ANYWAYS, HERE’S ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU. HOPE YOU ENJOY - MAY

Catch up on everytime here

NYC. November 15th, 2019. 1 PM.

*Y/N’S POV*

“I’m one of your best friends, aren’t I?”

“Why do you ignore me for him?”

“I’m not ignoring you, H”

“Y/N”

“My friends would never act like this”

“Y/N?”

“Neither would mine”

“Hello, Earth to Y/N” I heard Ali say.

I looked up from my coffee to Ali and Izzy.

“What?” I asked Ali.

“What do you think?” Ali asked me.

Umm, what were we talking about again? Last thing I remember was just sitting down at the table in this cafe.

“Should I take the job or not?” Izzy asked me.

Oh, Izzy’s job. Right . . .

“I don’t know” I said. “That’s up to you”

Ali rolled her eyes at me.

“That doesn’t help” Ali said.

“Sorry” I said. “I just have a lot on my mind. Didn’t get much sleep”

That was true. I didn’t get much sleep. How could I when I had Harry’s and I’s last conversation on repeat on my head? He basically said I was horrible. I wasn’t horrible. Yes, I knew I was wrong for introducing to my friends so late but Ashton’s my boyfriend. Of course, Ashton met them sooner than he did. And Harry met Ali so many times already. Not to mention, all the times I’ve been on FaceTime with her and Izzy in front of him.

“What’s wrong?” Izzy asked me.

“Nothing” I said. “Just some Harry drama”

“What did he do this time?” Ali asked me. “He has a girlfriend you don’t like?”

“No, no” I shook my head at her. “Why the hell would I be mad about that?”

“You were once” Ali said.

“That was four years ago” I said.

“What happened?” Izzy asked me.

I bit my lip. How was I going to make this simple?

“Am I a bad friend?” I asked them. “Harry thinks I’m a bad friend to him”

“Why would he think that?” Izzy asked me. “You’re always so nice to us”

“He got mad that Ashton met you guys before he did” I said. “He said I was a bad friend for introducing him to you both sooner”

“Didn’t you tell me about this before?” Ali asked me.

“Am I a bad friend or not?” I asked them. “Just answer the question”

Izzy and Ali looked to each other. Izzy sat back in the chair.

“Yes and no” Ali said. “Listen, Harry does have a point. It took forever for him to meet all your close friends. Talha met you both after two months”

I sat back in my chair, crossing my arms.

“But Harry and you have always been in and out of loop” Ali said. “So, you can’t really blame yourself”

“And why would Harry still be friends with you  if he thought you were a bad friend?” Izzy added. “You couldn’t be that bad to him”

I looked down, contemplating.

Izzy was right. Why would Harry still be my friend if he thought I was so bad? And why was I still friends with him if he makes me feel so guilty?

“Anyways, what do you think Izzy should do?” Ali asked me. “We helped you with your problem, help her”

I looked to Izzy. I forced myself to smile.

“Is it worth it?” I asked her. “To leave the one you have now?”

“I think so” Izzy said. “I’m worried because I don’t know how it will go. I can’t turn back to my old job if I don’t like it”

I looked to Ali and back to Izzy.

“Take it” I said. “If it is really worth it, nothing should stop you”

“That’s it?” Ali asked me. “That’s your advice?”

I nodded.

“Do you mind if I leave early?” I asked them. “I have something to check”

“You could if you want to be a bad friend to us” Ali commented.

I squinted my eyes at her. I got up from the table.

“I paid for you coffee, didn’t I?” I asked her.

“Just go” Izzy said. “We’ll see you Sunday anyways”

I smiled at Izzy.

“Mhmm” I nodded.

I took my coffee and turned from them. I walked away, taking a few steps before I heard Ali say something.

“I never understood them two” Ali said. “Harry’s so bad for her but she is still with him.”

My smile faded.

I didn’t understand either. And I wanted to know why too.

AN HOUR LATER . . .

I came back home. The first thing I did was go my bedroom and took out my box of journals.

Yes, my journals. I always had them nearby. Whenever I had a problem, I always turned to them. They helped me out a lot, actually. They helped me with when I got in a fight with Ali more than once. They helped me with my parents. Now, I hoped they helped me find the reason I was still friends with Harry.

I already knew Harry and I shared a special friendship. God knows how many times we crossed paths and had our ups and down but I always found to be asking myself why I still let Harry into my life after everything. Harry hurt me so much in the past but so have I hurt him. Maybe him more than me but my point is - why do I still stick around?

I poured my box of journals on my bed. I had about five journals. My first one was from a red journal from 2008 to 2010. My second was blue, 2010 to 2011. Third, black and from 2012 to 2014. Fourth, green, 2015-2017. And the fifth and yellow one is right next to my bed. 2018 till now. But I only cared for the black and green journals in front of me. I picked up the black journal.

I met Harry in 2013. February 2013. The day of the Brits. I met him at an after party. Let’s start there.

I opened my journal, flipping through pages until I saw Harry’s name.

February 21, 2013. Brits were last night. Didn’t win international female but that doesn’t matter. I’m still happy. (Also my therapist said I should try not base my happiness off of success) But I’m happy because I have a new friend. Harry Styles. Yes, the same Harry Styles I bumped into when I was with Dominic and the same one from one direction. That one. Funny story is, he’s Nick friend. I met Nick at an after party and Harry was there. Next thing, I know is I’m at BBC radio station having drunk conversations with Harry. Is it weird I already feel comfortable around him? Like comfortable as in I already know him? I never felt this way before except when I met Ali. Is Harry my new best friend???

I flipped three pages, seeing Harry’s name again.

April 4th, 2013. Ugh, just came back from a museum. I’m so tired but I want to write this down before I fall asleep. Harry. Rita. Tickles. Drink. Shirt Ruined. Harry’s lucky I like him and Rita’s kinda a friend so I won’t kill them. Anyways, my birthday’s in a week. I’m leaving in two days to go back home to New York. Goodnight.

I shook my head, smiling.

I remember that day. Harry was so sorry that he poured his drink on me. He said he didn’t mean it. I knew he didn’t. Rita just happened to tickle him from behind and of course, I was in front of Harry and he spilled his drink on me. Harry practically followed me into the bathroom to wash the drink off my shirt. . . Oh, Y/N. You’re going to get mad at him again.

I flipped through my journal more. I stopped at an entry from the end of 2013.

December 6, 2013. Just found out Harry’s hanging around Kendall Jenner. He told at dinner tonight. Not that I care who Harry hangs out with . . . Why should I? I’m dating Robert anyways. But I feel protective. I just feel like Harry should be hanging out with more . . . good people. People who won’t take advantage of him. . . I don’t trust Kendall. Something about her and her family irks me. According to Twitter, I’m not the only one.

I bit my lip.

A jealous me. Why did I have to land on that?

I shut my journal, putting it down and picking up my 2015-2017. I remember I was on tour for the majority of 2014. Nothing really happened between Harry and I that year. 2015, on the other hand . . .

I opened my journal and flipped through the first few pages.

March 15, 2015. I broke up with Matt. It’s wrong to keep him from his job. If you really love someone, you shouldn’t hold them back. That’s the right thing to do. But why does it feel so bad? Why does it hurt so much? It’s the right thing to do but it hurts so much it feels wrong. . . I told Harry about it. He’s the only one in LA I can trust except Lisa. His girlfriend broke up with him too. I mean, ex-girlfriend. They broke up two weeks ago so, at least I have someone who is going through the same thing as me. . . This is for the best. It has to be for the best.

I flipped to June, remembering that month so clear. It was when I realized I fell for Harry. And when he broke my heart for the first time.

June 11, 2015. I think I’m in love with him. Harry. I never thought I would be but I guess I’ve always did. The last few months just made me realize it. Harry has a strange effect on me. He knows what’s wrong the second he sees me. He knows how to calm me down. He knows how to make me feel better and happy in a way no one has before. I just feel like he gets me. I feel understood by him. Special. The last few months, I felt like shit trying to get over Matt. I did, in the end but I fell for Harry in the process too. I started to feel like I’ve felt for him a few ago actually. I didn’t actually want to believe it. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with him over some feelings that could change. And a part of me thinks Harry could never love me back. I mean, I’m broken. My parents are shit. My friends are crazy and so am I. I have attachment issues. I can’t let anyone in and when I do, I can’t let them leave because of the pain. But my feelings for Harry didn’t change and I had to do something about that. I was fighting with myself for the last week if I should tell him and I decided, I am. I’m going to tell him when he gets his break from tour. I deserve to be happy. He makes me happy. I think I make him happy too.

I looked at the next date I wrote.

June 17, 2015. He doesn’t love me. I told him and he said he didn’t think of me like that. He said he was talking to another girl anyways. I saw the girl today. Pictures of them came out today. She’s a Victoria Secret model. . . I don’t want to talk about it.

I felt my eyes water up a bit but I quickly flipped towards September. Harry and I were not quite done. We never were.

September 16, 2015. Harry called me today. . . Yup, after two months of not talking to him, he called me. He said he was sorry and realized he had feelings for me too. He wants to give us a try. Crazy thing is that I said yes. Listen, I’ve tried forgetting Harry. I dived into work, I went out with Ali and Sophia to clubs. Still can’t get him out of my head. Maybe I was meant to wait until he realized his feelings. I just want to be happy, even if it means giving him a second chance. Who knows what it will take us . . . By the way, Ali’s pissed.

I flipped to October.

October 25, 2015. Harry broke up with me. He said as much as he tried, he couldn’t love me back. He said something was missing. I knew something was missing too. We didn’t have that passion I had with my exes. Not that I expected it’s just . . . I thought we love me back. He didn’t.

I turned to January, 2016.

January 3rd, 2016. Kendall and Harry. Harry could be with her and not me? Who the fuck did he think I was? Just a step to get fucked? Was that who I was to him? What did she have that I didn’t? Sure, she was a model and skinner and taller but I’m me. I was his best friend for the last three years. She wasn’t! I was there for Harry when his heart was broken. I’ve seen him cry. Did she? Fuck her. And Fuck Harry. This is the last straw. He can have her all he wants. He won’t have me though. Not anymore.

I looked up from the page.

I wasn’t a bad friend. If I was, Harry was worse. Harry rejected me. He made me feel like I didn’t matter. He forgot about me. What kind of friend does that? I wouldn’t . . . Why was I still here though? I forgave Harry. I forgave him a long time ago. Why did I care about what he did if I’m still his friend?

I looked down at the page. I flipped back to the June 11, 2015 entry.

I think I’m in love with him. Harry. I never thought I would be but I guess I’ve always did. The last few months just made me realize it.

I had to be over Harry. I was sure of it. I was way off happier with Felix. I am with Ashton too. But if I didn’t like, or love, Harry anymore . . . why would I be here? I’ve been through enough of his shit. So why on Earth am I still friends with him if I didn’t like him a bit? Did I love him a bit? I loved him like a best friend but like that? No, no, no. Unless . . .

I never thought I would be but I guess I’ve always did.

What if I did love Harry? Why did I love Ashton more then? Why didn’t I care what Harry would think of Ashton then? I would care for Harry more than Ashton.

I looked down at my journal again. I knew the answer.

I flipped to 2017. September 2017.

September 20, 2017. I don’t like being pregnant. I feel so emotional. . . I talked to Harry again. Well, actually I listened to Harry’s album first and then, I called him. We went out for lunch. I hate to admit it but I missed him. Hearing his voice sing made me realize it. I know we haven’t had the best relationship but . . . we have something. Something rare. We just get each other. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve always felt something was there but I could never describe it. It’s like something has always pulled us to each other. We bring out the best, and sometimes the worst, but mostly the best in each other. . . I don’t want to lose all that for how stupid we were two years ago. Harry was twenty-one, he was supposed to not take relationships serious. I was twenty-six. I was too old chasing something that could never be. We’re different now and I’m happy with what I have now. Felix and our soon to be bundle of joy. That’s what Felix has been calling her/him. Anyways, back to the point - Harry. I’ll always want to be his friend. I loved him once and I’ll always love him. Not like that but there’s a little part of him that has my heart. Don’t all lovers do? I should tell Felix about what happened now. He invited us to his concert tomorrow and I really really don’t want to go alone.

I blinked at the page, knowing the answer all along.

Harry always had a piece of my heart. I’ve loved him and a part of me will always will. I will always be there for him, just as I have. Six years, on and off, I was always there. He was there for me too.

I  grabbed a nearby pen, outlining some of the page. I carefully ripped it out and folded it. I closed my journal, putting it down on the table. I got up and looked for my little leather backbag. I did find it and put the paper inside, closing it.

I knew the answer. Harry was going to know too.

*HARRY’S POV*

I didn’t dare call Y/N today. I wanted to but I knew it was better I shouldn’t. I knew Y/N long enough to know that she needed space to calm down. I did too.

I was a dickhead. To Y/N and Ashton. It was wrong of me to tell Ashton about Felix. It was Y/N’s choice when and how she should tell him. I shouldn’t have acted so hostile towards them to begin with. I was upset with Y/N and took it out on her and Ashton. I knew I deserved to be upset at Y/N but I should have just talked to her alone about it. I didn’t and now I looked like an asshole.

KNOCK KNOCK.

I looked to my dressing room’s door.

“Come in!” I said.

The door opened, revealing Heidi.

“Hey!” Heidi said.

“Hi” I said, getting up from the couch. “Don’t I still have fifteen minutes?”

“Oh, you do” Heidi said. “Just came over to ask  if you’re okay”

“Yeah” I said, smiling but a little confused. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I saw you and Y/N had a little fight last night” Heidi said. “Didn’t mean to see but I was leaving and-“

“Oh, no, it’s okay” I said, lying. “We just had a little argument. We talked after, we’re fine”

We weren’t. I had no idea if we were going to be fine really. Normally, when we did get into fights, we both don’t talk for days until someone finally breaks and admits they’re sorry. Y/N always forgave me whenever I apologized. The thing now is I don’t know if she will forgive me if I did say sorry. How could she if I didn’t forgive myself either?

“You’re sure?” Heidi asked me. “Because it didn’t look like it”

“I’m one hundred percent sure we’re okay” I said to Heidi. “She said she’s coming tomorrow for the show”

“Oh, she is?” Heidi asked me.

I nodded.

“Yeah” I said. “I actually told her about-“

BRINGGG. BRINGGG.

I looked to the dressing room’s table. I watched my phone vibrate on the table. I looked back to Heidi.

“Do you mind if I-“

“Oh, take it” Heidi said. “I’ll see you in a few minutes”

I nodded at her. Heidi left, closing the door. I walked over to the table, picking up my phone.

Y/N was calling me.

I answered her call immediately. I pressed my phone to my ear.

“Hi” I said.

“Hi” I heard Y/N say in a low voice. “I thought you wouldn’t answer”

“Me?” I asked her. “Aren’t you’re the one upset at me?”

“I was . . .” Y/N said. “I wanted to talk to you about that”

“Me too” I said. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to act like an asshole to Ashton and you. I was just angry and I should have just talked to you about it in the first place”

“No, I’m sorry” I heard Y/N say. “You’re right to be mad at me. I would be pissed off at you too if I completely ignored if you got a new girlfriend?”

“You didn’t though” I said. “I was just jealous-“

I heard a knock on my door.

“Ten minutes!” I heard one of the crew members say.

I sighed.

“Listen, Y/N. I’m sorry.” I said. “I was completely wrong. Can we talk about this later? I’m on call in a few minutes-“

“Yeah, sure” Y/N said. “I feel like we should talk about this in person anyways”

“So, your place?” I asked her. “I get off at seven. Could be there latest at eight”

“Yeah” Y/N said. “I’ll be waiting. See you soon”

“See you soon” I said.

Y/N hung up on me. I put my phone back down.

She forgave me. And in less than a week. I guess I had nothing to worry about . . . did I?

9 PM.

I walked in seeing Y/N sitting on her living room floor. Pages of papers were scattered in front of her.

“Hey” I said to her.

“Hi” Y/N said back, smiling.

“What are you on the floor for?” I asked her.

“I was writing” Y/N said. “I don’t know but I always find myself being more honest sitting on the floor”

“Were you writing about us?” I asked her.

“Something like that” Y/N said.

I smiled at her. I kicked off my shoes. I walked over and sat down on the floor next to her. I looked down at one of the pages. I picked one up, reading it.

“I won't pretend it's all your fault, when you were there through it all” I read. “I messed things up, I always do, but it was always you”

Y/N smiled at me.

“Like I said,” Y/N said. “Something like that”

I laid the paper back down on the floor.

I looked to Y/N, who was already staring at me.

“I’m sorry” Y/N said. “You were right. I’ve been a horrible friend to you. I didn’t think I would hurt you by letting Ashton meet my friends so soon. I’m sorry I forgot about you when I was with him”

I shook my head at her.

“No, no, no” I said. “I’m the horrible one here. I know you wanted me to meet your friends sooner than I did. I shouldn’t been mad at you because Ashton met them. I was just insecure and jealous of him. I thought that you would forget about me and he was going to replace me”

Y/N lightly smiled at me.

“H, he could never replace you” Y/N said. “How could he? You’ve always been there for me. No matter what happens, you will always be there. Every time we lose each other, we always find our way back.”

Y/N looked down.

“I’m not going to lie” Y/N said. “There were times I did hate you. You did horrible things and I wished I could forget you but as much as I tried to . . . I couldn’t”

Y/N picked a folded paper off from the floor. She looked to me, handing it to me.

“It’s actually funny,” Y/N said. “I found myself asking myself earlier why I was still friends with you. But I knew the answer a long time ago”

I took the paper from her. I unfolded it and started to read what was on the page.

September 20, 2017. I don’t like being pregnant. I feel so emotional. . . I talked to Harry again. Well, actually I listened to Harry’s album first and then, I called him. We went out for lunch. I hate to admit it but I missed him. Hearing his voice sing made me realize it. I know we haven’t had the best relationship but . . . we have something. Something rare. We just get each other. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve always felt something was there but I could never describe it. It’s like something has always pulled us to each other. We bring out the best, and sometimes the worst, but mostly the best in each other. . . I don’t want to lose all that for how stupid we were two years ago. Harry was twenty-one, he was supposed to not take relationships serious. I was twenty-six. I was too old chasing something that could never be. We’re different now and I’m happy with what I have now. Felix and our soon to be bundle of joy. That’s what Felix has been calling her/him. Anyways, back to the point - Harry. I’ll always want to be his friend. I loved him once and I’ll always love him. Not like that but there’s a little part of him that has my heart. Don’t all lovers do? I should tell Felix about what happened now. He invited us to his concert tomorrow and I really really don’t want to go alone.

I felt my heart jolt. That same jolt I last felt in the summer. It was back but this one felt more . . . more tender.

I looked to Y/N.

“The underlined lines are the important ones” Y/N said.

“You wrote this?” I asked her. “When you were with Felix?”

She nodded.

“You don’t have to worry about Ashton” Y/N said. “You always have a special place in my heart. You always did”

I looked at Y/N’s lips. Why did they look so tempting to kiss?

“The last thing I want is to lose you” Y/N said. “I almost did once and I think it nearly broke both of us”

I stared into her eyes. God, her eyes. Every time I looked into them, I felt safe. Home.

“Nearly?” I asked her. “Didn’t you hear my heart break in that song?”

Y/N smiled at me. She leaned into me, hugging me.

“I love you, H” Y/N said. “You’re my best friend. I can never forget you”

I wrapped my arms around her. I felt another jolt run through my heart.

“I love you too” I said.

And I don’t think it’s in that way anymore.

[fanfic-corner]

Writer Castiel

4/12/20 - I have wanted to be a writer since I was ten years old, so maybe I’m biased here, but I absolutely adore the idea of Cas being an author if he lived a different life!

Tabula Rasa by Dangerousnotbroken on AO3. (78,240 words).

Tags: Writer Castiel, Bartender Dean, Past Relationship, Pervasive Themes of Memory, Magic, Canon Typical Violence, Mentions of alcoholism, Mentions of Past Child Neglect, Mental Illness, Witches, Ghosts, Bi!Dean, Bi!Castiel, Referenced Past Minor Character Death, Angst, Slow Burn, Memory Loss.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Once upon a time, Castiel Novak had everything. He had a happy home life, a full scholarship, and, if he played his cards right, a promising journalism career. And on top of all of that, he had Dean. Then tragedy struck, as it tends to do, and Castiel lost everything. At thirty six, he’s got none of those things. He’s got no family to speak of. He’s got a job investigating purportedly true tales of the supernatural for a magazine no one reads. And worst of all he hasn’t seen Dean in nearly twenty years. So when research for an article turns him on to a witch who apparently grants wishes in exchange for stories, Castiel figures it’s worth the risk. If making a deal with a witch can get him Dean back, what has he got to lose?

Notes: This was absolutely amazing; both written beautifully and with a fantastic plot.

the inexhaustible silence of houses by Askance on AO3. (31,820 words).

Tags: Horror, Psychological Trauma, Domestic Violence.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Almost two years after the world doesn't end, Castiel falls from grace—and loses his voice in the process. It is the impetus for confession and change; before long, he is settling into a loving relationship with Dean, the Winchesters are tired, and hunting for a place to land has taken precedence to hunting anything else. Dean and Castiel fall in love with the strange little house on the end of Swallowtail Drive, and for a little while life is as it should be—sweet, affectionate, and beginning afresh. But more and more Castiel sees and hears things in the house that beg the question of whether or not a place itself can be alive. The walls and rooms seem to shift and grow and breathe, and one night, Dean comes home from a hunt changed in a way that Castiel cannot explain. In the months that follow, their domestic bliss takes turns for the dark and sour, and the confusion of their circumstances will ultimately test everything Castiel knows about the man he loves, and everything he believes to be true.

Notes: Excellently written, made me cry, and the ending was brilliant. Technically it isn’t tagged as Cas being a writer, but he does write some poetry throughout, and I couldn’t help myself.

Lost and Found by whelvenwings on AO3. (7,762 words).

Tags: Writer Castiel, Mechanic Dean, Demisexual Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: “Chuck Shurley? Sure, I’ve read his books. Kinda Vonnegut, but like, Kilgore-Trout Vonnegut, you know?” Dean took another gulp of his whisky, and smacked his lips like an adult. The guy sitting beside him at the bar, however, did not look suitably impressed. In fact, he was staring down into the bubbles of his cider, not even noticing the way that Dean was smiling at him, giving him the eyes. “I thought his stuff was pretty good, in a kinda metamodern way,” Dean added airily, and a little more loudly. The guy only nodded gloomily. Dean almost clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth in frustration. C’mon, dude, I’m trying to impress you. Twenty minutes of talking and all Dean had to show for it was a weird first name, a series of dour stares and the strangest need to know more about this – Castiel.

Notes: This was written so well that I wanted to cry at Cas’ story of the stars, even though it wasn’t particularly sad. Now I want to go and stargaze with someone.

The House on the Ocean Road by coffeeandcas on AO3. (111,351 words).

Tags: Single Parent Castiel, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Hurt Dean Winchester, Writer Castiel, Car Accidents, Past Character Death, Adopted Children, Mentions of Suicide, Slow Burn, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Near Death Experiences, Hospitals, Explicit Sexual Content, POV Dean.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester is on the run from his life. He's done something unforgivable, and can't face his family or friends ever again. So he does what any rational person would do: fakes his own death and vanishes into the ether. Wandering aimlessly along country roads, he succumbs to the elements during a violent storm and wakes up hours later in the home of a stranger: a single dad living alone in an isolated beach house, with a haunting past of his own. Cas is sweet and shy, but welcomes Dean into his home and tells him he can stay as long as he needs, never prying into his life or asking him to spill his secrets. As they rapidly forge a close friendship, Dean finds that the quiet life by the ocean with Cas is exactly what he's been dreaming of. He only hopes his past never catches up with him.

Notes: This was so gorgeous and the plot was fabulous! Also, I loved Jimmy, and Dean and Cas as parents were adorable. Weirdest use of Cole’s character that I’ve ever seen though.

What Can’t Be Seen by destieldrabblesdaily on AO3. (2,639 words).

Tags: Soulmate AU, author!Cas, Strangers to Lovers, First Kiss.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Written for this prompt: Soulmate AU where you first see color after eye contact: Cas is a famous best selling author and he’s promoting his book, so he’s talking to a crowd of people and suddenly his world is in color, and a lot of his fans pretend to be his soulmate. A Cinderella type situation ensues.

Notes: This was really cute and such a sweet and funny idea.

(un)conventional by imogenbynight on AO3. (6,100 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe, mechanic!Dean, Writer!Castiel, Conventions, Fluff.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Spec Lit Con--Speckly Con, to it’s regular attendees--is an annual weekend-long event held in Chicago, dedicated to science fiction, fantasy and otherwise speculative literature. This year Dean's favorite author, C.J. Novak, is appearing as a panelist. Naturally, he shells out the cash for an all access pass.

Notes: This was so adorable that I nearly screamed in the corridor outside my computer science lesson. Plus, the writing was absolutely gorgeous! I miss conventions :(

I Think That’s Mine by palominopup on AO3. (6,804 words).

Tags: Fluff, AU, Reporter!Dean, Writer!Cas.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: A mix up at the Atlanta Airport places Dean Winchester's laptop in someone else's possession. A series of calls and texts bring two men together.

Notes: This was so cute, Cas was so sweet, and Dean was an icon.

‘Star Wars is Overrated’ by leftdragonpainter on AO3. (38,186 words).

Tags: Soulmates, Pining, Drinking, Writer Castiel, Mechanic Dean, Neighbours, Swearing, Winchester Logic, Clueless Dean, College Student Sam, Awkward Dates, Dean Cooks, Castiel in Glasses, Slow Burn, Injured Sam, Fixing Cars, Smut, Costumes, Drunk Texting, Temporary Amnesia, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: When Dean Winchester turned sixteen he was disappointed by the words that appeared on his chest. He never expected that it would take so much to find his soulmate. He never expected to not remember meeting them...

Tags: Every time I thought I knew what was going to happen in this fic, something completely different happened, which I loved. 

Event Horizon by Winglesss on AO3. (6,442 words).

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Dean, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Past Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Texting, Sharing a Bed, Happy Ending, Veteran Dean, Doctor Dean, Writer Castiel, Strangers.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Castiel couldn't have helped his sister. That's why being offered a chance to help somebody else dealing with suicidal thoughts he took it without hesitation. When he gets the first text from someone who needs his help, nothing goes as he expected.

Notes: I don’t know if that kind of suicide prevention scheme exists, but this fic is very sweet. 

Darkly Dreaming Dean by Duckyboos on AO3. (29,008 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Alternate Universe - Police, Detective Dean Winchester, Writer Castiel, Serial Killer Dean, Alternate Universe - Dexter, Established Relationship, Murder, Top Dean, Bottom Castiel, Anal Sex, Innocent Castiel.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester has the perfect apple pie life with his shy-but-sweet boyfriend in the suburbs. He has a steady, well-paid job with the LAPD and he’s charming and attractive. Really, he’s living the American Dream. It’s his extra-curricular activities that some may disagree with, as he’s also an accomplished serial killer. To date, his kills amount to around 36 and he’s never been caught. He’s employed by the law, remember? He knows how these things work.

*

A new serial killer arrives on the scene and despite the sloppiness of their work, Dean is intrigued by them and what they're trying to achieve, because their MO is the same as his; killing bad people. He makes it his mission to track the other killer down before the police do, and he’s left reeling when the 'Basin Vigilante' turns out to be someone a lot closer to home than he could have ever imagined.

Notes: I sort of watched Dexter a few years ago, and I absolutely love the idea of Dean as a vigilante serial killer. I only wish that the synopsis was a bit different, so the end was more of a surprise.

Finding Home by Desirae on AO3. (42,828 words).

Tags: Baker Dean Winchester, Writer Castiel, PTSD, Past Childhood Trauma, Childhood Kidnapping, Mistaken Identity, Dean Whump, Castiel Whump, Best Friends to Lovers, Emotional Sex, Fluff, Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester lived a quiet life running his bakery. Aside from family, Dean had no desire to let anyone inside. The more people you cared about, the more you had to lose; A hard lesson he'd learned at the tender age of eight when Dean’s best friend was kidnapped right before his eyes. Dean was forever haunted by the event, although he hadn’t realized quite how much until Emmanuel James Milton breezed into his life; waking his sleeping heart with a complete lack filter and achingly familiar eyes. An author, with no family and traumatic past of his own, Emmanuel never felt like he belonged anywhere until he walked into The Honeybee Bakery and met Dean. It’s not long before they find out that there is a reason for their profound bond.

Notes: It was obvious what was going on here from the start, but that just made it even cuter as they fell in love again.

I think it is a shame we didn’t get more human Cas content, but I guess it is too late now. I hope you enjoy these fics, and if you ever have a specific list you want me to make, feel free to ask!

[galactic-pirates]

Update! (aka full of randomness)

I miss my OT3 :/ August was an awful month mental-health wise and I got very little done, which just made me feel even worse, so I still haven’t completed my original novel from April ---> this is me judging myself because seriously?

My plan was to have finished the novel last month, take September for some fanfic (yay OT3!) and then do mixed fanfic/planning in October ready for NaNo in November. I want to do another original novel for NaNo. Unfortunately as the novel of doom is still not done gah! fanfic!September is paying the price :(

In mostly unrelated news I took delivery of a PS5 today. I’m sure this is going to do wonders for my productivity /sarcasm but hey at least I won’t be distracted by sitting on the stock checker all the time right?

I have to say it is massive. I mean you’d think modern things would be smaller but this dwarfs my PS2, which is plugged into the same TV (I like it for the dance mat mostly, though I do still have Guitar Hero). Fortunately my ‘TV table’ is actually an old narrow flatpack desk, so there’s no trouble with the height it just goes on top with everything else. It is almost as big as my TV though but hey that’s not hard - my PC monitor is bigger than my TV.

For the PS5 I bought a bundle of console + extra controller + Ratchet and Clank. The extra controller was the only kinda unnecessary part but my paranoia likes having a backup so it’s all good. What I’m extra pleased about is the picture showed a duplicate white controller but they shipped a black one - which is my preferred colour! So I really lucked out there :)

I bought the PS2 off eBay about 12 years ago so this is my first current playstation. I was inspired to take the plunge mostly due to all the exclusive games. I got a bit sick of seeing games, thinking they looked awesome, and then them not being available on Steam. I’m determined to be good and not buy anymore games though at the moment.

My MO is to play a game obsessively for a week or two and then drop it, I have so many with just a few hours played. So I wrote up a list and I need to go through and complete some before I can get anymore. Dual benefit - that means I can put PS5 games on my christmas list and as most of them are PS4 they’ll be inexpensive. They might be ‘old’ now but they are still very new to me as I never had a chance to play them before.

Anyway, in conclusion I’m sick of this novel I’m avoiding, pissed off as I feel obligated to finish it before starting another fanfic (and I miss my OT3). I want to make gifsets (I have a list of over 50) and do art (but I’m scared as per usual). So it’s no wonder that I am procrastinating with gaming as I’ve intimidated myself away from doing anything else.

I need to look at my to do list and write up some kind of schedule for the week/month/remaining 4 months of the year maybe even? I’m terrible at estimating how long things take, but if I put aside time regularly to do the things I want I’ll at least make progress. Something to think about!

[wonderlandleighleigh]

98 Thoughts while watching A New Hope

1. Who was that silver protocol droid? What happened to them? Are they okay? where are they now?? I bet they’re cooler than 3P0.

2. Rebel helmets are just silly.

3. I love how dirty R2 and 3P0 are. 

4. Man, Rex is right. Empire-era Stormtrooper armor is total shit.

5. Shut up Anakin.

6. Oh Space Mom. I will miss Carrie Fisher forever. 

7. Anakin fucking - he asks a question just as he kills the dude. Like- why-? Shut up Anakin.

8. Something I really love about this first movie is that Leia doesn’t do anything overtly sexily. When she gets shot, she’s literally just laid out on the floor, on her belly. It’s not meant to be hot. And even later when she’s tortured, it’s not meant to be a male gaze thing.

9. For fuck’s sake Anakin. Your daughter is standing right fucking there, and you can’t even sense it. What a dumb. 

10. R2 is like “Fuck. This place again?”  But 3P0 was created on Tatooine and he doesn’t even remember. That’s kinda sad. 

11. As Dettiot says, you can really tell that 3P0 was created by a 9 year old Anakin. Yeesh.

12. I really love the Jawas. They’re so strange, and wonderful. 

13. I wonder what R2 was thinking about when he was walking all that time by himself on Tatooine. Was he thinking about Anakin? Was he thinking about the war? Or Padme? Or Ahsoka? 

14. Man, Tatooine at dusk is beautiful, isn’t it?

15. These Stormtroopers have sand on their butts. I never noticed. 

16. I remember thinking the Jawa going “bobit! bobit!” was very funny as a kid.

17. Beru Whitesun. Former slaver liberator. Secret bad-ass. She and Owen really deserved better. 

18. R2: I cannot believe my old master’s son is leaving me the fuck behind. What the fuck is this shit. Get back here. Do you know how much I suffered for your dumb dad? 

19. Luke playing with toy ships just like Anakin did. And didn’t Obi-Wan make some of those in one continuity or another? *sad* 

20. R2: ANOTHER SKYWALKER OH GOD. 

21. SHE IS YOUR SISTER. Do NOT falling in love with your SISTER.

22. R2′s memory has never been wiped. Aside from Leia’s message, gold only knows what other recordings are saved on his hard drive. 

23. Blue milk! 

24. And Owen lying his ass of to Luke. Ugh.

25. I remember as a kid thinking that Owen was too grumpy/mean. But he’s a really good person. He raised this kid, and wants nothing more than to do right by him. Done so dirty. 

26. But Luke’s pensive moment watching the suns set is so beautiful.

27. I desperately want to know how Beru’s cooker works. I want one. It looks so cool. 

28. I want a Bantha. 

29. R2 trying to wake Luke up is such a moment. 

30. Obi-Wan’s krate dragon impersonation is amazing. I wish he’d do it more often.

31. I have feelings about his old, dusty Jedi robes.  In fact, everytthing about old Ben gives me feelings. He lost everything, and has been hiding in the desert for twenty years. 

32. “He’s searching for his former master. I’ve never seen so much devotion in a droid before.” Obi-Wan’s face is so haunted in this moment. Fuck.

33. R2: WHY YOU PLAYING YOU KNOW ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

34. Owen told Luke his father sold drugs. The. Fuck.

35. “He was the best star pilot. And a cunning warrior. And he was a good friend.” *sads* 

36. Obi-Wan sat in the desert with his brother’s lightsaber for twenty years, just mourning everything that had happened. Fuck. 

37. Obi-Wan stop LYING. 

38. Obi-Wan’s face clearly says, while Leia’s recording plays, “Oh shit. All this crap is catching up to me. Again. I’ll never ever be rid of Skywalkers.” 

39. Obi-Wan has such terrible ideas. Still.

40. I just love that Vader hates the Death Star. Anakin hates the Death Star the way Steve Rogers hates Stark Tower. 

41. Aaaand bye-bye senate. I wonder if that will happen here in the US at some point if Trump keeps Trumping along.

42. Tarken and Vader’s bromance is such a thing.

43. Ha! “accurate.” “precise.” Stormtroopers. Ha. 

44. Owen and Beru’s fate is so gruesome. I was always so shocked by how much we were shown. Damn. Grim. And again, done so dirty. More Skywalker adjacent family dead. 

45. Shut up, Anakin.

46. More grim shit. Burning the Jawa bodies. 

47. Poor Luke. He lost everything that day. He thought his father and mother were both dead, and now his uncle and aunt are truly dead. So yeah. Following a weird wizard on a quest. 

48. Mos Eisley doesn’t seem dangerous. Just goofy. 

49. Alec Guinness’  delivery of the Jedi mind trick is so casual. So sly. Love it.

50. CHEWBACCA! WHAT A WOOKIE! 

51. Why does everybody hate droids??? 

52. omg. Luke tugging on the bartender’s shirt. Wtf Luke. Just say “Excuse me.” That’s so rude.

53. Obi-Wan just slicing off that dude’s arm...a little reactionary maybe? AND NOBODY DOES OR SAYS ANYTHING. 

54. Obi-Wan is so unimpressed by Han. omg.

55. Obi-Wan is just gonna hit up Bail and Breja for cash when they get to Alderaan. Dang. 

56. “I’m never coming back to this planet again.” heh.

57. Han shot first. Fuck all of this.

58. You know why her resistance to the mind probe is considerable? BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER YOU DUMB ROBOT MAN. 

59. CGI Jabba is weak sauce.

60. “Even I get boarded sometimes” is the name of Han Solo’s sex tape. 

61. Luke’s poncho is so cute.

62. Leia is the best. 

63. Tarken is wearing comfy slippers.

64. The reason why even if Vader made amends with Luke, Leia will never forgive him, is right here. Not only did he torture her, but he stood back and watched while they destroyed her home. She will never be able to forgive him. Ever. And that’s legit. She doesn’t have to. 

65. I believe Chewie actually does beat someone with their own arm.

66. Obi-Wan’s smile when Han says there’s no mystical Force controlling his destiny was so good.

67. Even when there’s nobody else in the room, Vader doesn’t get to sit down. What the fuck.

68. Obi-Wan knows he’s gonna die.

69. Mark Hamill talks so fast.

(I accidentally took a nap during Leia’s rescue and the trash compactor scene. I was tired, and I’ve seen this movie so many times)

70.  Han screaming after the Stormtroopers is such a fucking mood.

71. Vader vs. Obi-Wan here...I have a lot of feelings about these two disasters fighting agai- SHUT UP ANAKIN.

72. Not only does Obi-Wan sacrifice himself to give Luke an exit, but he does so because he’s giving Anakin a choice in terms of killing him or not. He’s giving him a moment of grace here, I think. To not be an evil fuck. But uh...Vader.

73. When Obi-Wan says “You can’t win.” He’s not talking about the duel. He’s talking about over-all. Being a Sith means that he can’t win. And his “If you strike me down, I’ll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine” refers to the amount of guilt and shame Anakin will feel in killing his brother. That that will eat at his soul. And it does.

74. Vader stepping on the robes to make sure Obi-Wan is dead is hilarious in such a weird morbid way.

74. In a weird flip, Vader now has Obi-Wan lightsaber, as Obi-Wan had Anakin’s. 

75. Poor Luke. Owen, Beru and Obi-Wan all in one day. 

76. 1st person shooter time! 

77. Oh Han and Leia. My first fucking ship. So fighty. So sexy. I love them.

78. Stop flirting badly with your sister Luke.

79. ...who is Luke jealous of here? 

80. I love the HC that Vader knew about the weakness in the Death Star, and hated that fucking thing so much he never mentioned it. 

81. R2 back in starfighter with a Skywalker.

82. I swear Red Leader looks like Don Knotts. 

83. I love X-Wings so much.

84. Vader’s reflexes behind the controls of a starfighter must be fucked compared to what they were pre-Mustafar. 

85. Luke watching all these people die like “Ooh. I guess this is what Han was talking about.” 

86. Oh Tarkin. You gonna regret everything in a couple minutes. 

87. Biggs’ mustache is majestic.

88. Luke saves Wedge’s life by telling him to get the fuck out. Later, Wedge will likely sing “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables.” 

89. The targeting system feels so old-timey. 

90. Obi-Wan you trained him for like 20 minutes. He doesn’t know what he’s doin- okay.

91. ANAKIN! HOw dare yOu ShoOT R2! 

92. Good job Han. <3 I actually really love Han a lot. He’s not a smart man, but he’s a pretty good man. 

93. The Death Star is destroyed, Tarkin dies, and Vader goes spinning off into space. Some fics have him traveling through time! 

94. The original trio is so pure in this movie. I love them so much. The sequels did all three of them so dirty. 

95. Leia’s necklace is so good.

96. And Luke’s Jacket is so bad. I’ve seen photos of it replaced by a brown jacket and it is so much better. 

97. Remember everybody. Rex is at the ceremony somewhere, watching a Skywalker get a medal. 

98. I love this fucking movie.