#because I needed to learn to value art and language by myself

[nelu-chan]

They should invent a myself that can be proud or happy about accomplishments

[blaacknoir]

Hi, you recently reblogged a post about how Nanowrimo is not disallowing or disavowing AI because doing so is classist and ablist and in your tags suggested that you consider this "yikes."

Honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings as a person with a disability who occasionally uses AI as a disability aid. Let me explain.

I use AI frequently for word recall. I have ADHD- a lot of people do. Many people with ADHD, including myself, struggle with word recall. It can be extremely bad, but how bad it is day to day is variable, and not all people with ADHD struggle with this to the same degree. When my word recall is really bad, NLP's (Natural Language Processors) are practically tailor-made to find that exact word I need. As an example, I used AI to remind me just now about the term "Natural Language Processor," which, along with the term "machine learning," is frankly just a better description than AI for these tools. But I will continue using the term AI for convenience.

The fact that people do not imagine this sort of use in conjunction with AI IS a form of ablism. They immediately assume all use is infringing. If they actually talked to people with disabilities (who do use AI), they would discover these other uses, and perhaps the conversation could be elevated to a more constructive state instead of trying to make everyone who uses a tool feel "yikes" for using it. Many of us are extremely conscientious and well informed of the issues involved.

Consider that if someone has said something is ablist (or classist or any other -ist,) they just might have a point and that you should try to discover what that point is before assuming that it's fake. Don't take everything at face value, but don't dismiss it out of hand either. Listen to people who have differing opinions and try to get the nuances of the conversation.

When people think about AI being used in conjunction with writing and visual art, they only consider the egregious uses - which makes sense, as that is how AI is advertised; as a magic technology that solves ALL problems. But those egregious uses are not the only use of these tools. AI does not have to be a magic wand that replaces the creative process of an artist. I have given one example of such a use above, but I could list many more.

If your "yikes" is in regard to the ecological impact - I hope that the overzealous implementation of AI into everything takes the ecological facts into account and that is ammealorated, but please do not throw people with disabilities under the bus while trying to make buses less polluting.

//The only use of AI in this post was to help me remember the word Natural Language Processor - I know my tone is pretty formal and sometimes comes across as AI, but it's not.

Jeezly fucking crow, dude. It was a single-word comment. I hope you sent this to literally everyone else who commented in a similar manner.

I use AI frequently for word recall. I have ADHD- a lot of people do. Many people with ADHD, including myself, struggle with word recall. It can be extremely bad, but how bad it is day to day is variable, and not all people with ADHD struggle with this to the same degree. When my word recall is really bad, NLP's (Natural Language Processors) are practically tailor-made to find that exact word I need. As an example, I used AI to remind me just now about the term "Natural Language Processor," which, along with the term "machine learning," is frankly just a better description than AI for these tools. But I will continue using the term AI for convenience.

I also have ADHD. I also struggle with word recall. You know what I do? I google things. I use dictionary and thesaurus websites. I use OneLook, which suggests associated words, similar words, and similar concepts.

Not everyone who uses AI is stealing from artists, no, but it's well known that AI does scan people's art--almost always without their consent--to generate pieces. It's also been seen around places like AO3, scraping fics from unlocked accounts.

Personally, I dislike the implication that disabled (or poor--that's what "classist" means here) people are incapable of writing without an AI generating something for them. I've written 100k+ words on AO3, and all of them are mine. I've talked to friends, I've written parallel fics, I've rewritten my own stories, but those words are mine. I wrote them. A disabled person. To imply that I need AI to do that pisses me off.

And believe it or not, my primary dislike of AI isn't ableist or classsist or whatever. (I'm not even against all forms of AI! I understand that in some fields, analyitical AI is quite helpful--I've read that it's great at finding breast cancer, for example.) My primary beef with AI, especially generative AI like ChatGPT is the fact that:

It will just lie to you. It will just make up things. There are people who have used it in court cases (it didn't work), and there are people using it to write books--everything from cookbooks to mushroom identification guides. (Guess what amateurs need expert help with when they're starting out? You know, so they don't die?) It's also happened with animal care guides. AI doesn't need to be used in a generative context at all.

There is also a massive environmental impact that I rarely, if ever, see talked about.

[catprinx]

I know art is all about practice and trying out new things and not being afraid of using references, but do you have any advice for newer artists about areas to focus time on? Especially for learning digital art/colouring? I've always loved your art style so any advice you have would be valuable.

hi anon!!! Thank you for the kind words :)

There's no one good answer to this because art is about a lot of things. So rather than give you clear-cut actionable items to do, like a checklist, I'll just write down my own philosophies about art exploration. I've also been thinking a lot about this in terms of my own improvement.

(Also for everyone reading this I am by NO MEANS a teacher so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm simply someone that just enjoys thinking about art)

I think art is a lot about the combination of technical skill + visual language + concept.

Practicing technical skill, as you said, involves using reference and doing studies. I think an important thing to remember is you need to know what you're trying to learn. Here's a good example the former is a traditional still life of grapes, the artist probably intended to make a piece with a good composition and an impressive rendering technique. While the latter is definitely more of a value/color study. I'm certain this artist could have gone into detail rendering those grapes but being realistic isn't their intention/style. So when you're doing your studies I think simply asking "what do I want to work on?/what am I trying to communicate" can be helpful.

If your goal is working on color specifically I think it would be important to practice values, hues, and temperature control. Those things are the basis of color and after that you can play with more stylistic color. In the end my advice is to do a lot of studies, and look at a lot of art! Doing these studies digitally is just a matter or practicing and familiarizing yourself with the art programs (it takes time). If you have an artist you like you can probably look at their work and breakdown what you like about it. For example the narumitsu art I was working on here is kind of a study of @/rei_17's art (from twitter). I love her use of non-local colors and colors that are very close in value but the depth comes from the hue/temperature shifts in color. It's so masterful to me!!! So, now that I know what I'm looking at it becomes easier to break down and put it into practice for my own art.

Visual language usually refers to "style". To me, it can mean a lot of different things but for the sake of this long ass text post let's say it's just about "art style". My tip is to...copy! Copy what you like and figure out what it is you like about it. I feel like your hand will guide you towards your own art style in the end. I don't view myself as someone with a particularly interesting or unique art style but I can breakdown my influences a little. I'm someone who grew up with anime/shoujo influence but also copied a lot of popular tumblr styles back in the day lmao. I want my anatomy to "feel" correct even though it's rarely realistic and I don't really exaggerate form too much because I don't have a preference for it. I'm someone who values drawing speed and clarity of form over details. And all those things added up are the reasons I draw like I do. You can totally make a style by more intentionally riffing off others, and you can also develop a style just by doing your own thing. Your art will always have an identity of its own even if you don't know it at the time!!!

Concept is just your idea/intentions/narrative etc. I really think concept can be anything you want. Some people can go really in-depth with their concept with studying and research and etc, and other people can make something visually interesting simply by going "I want to draw a cute girl". Everyone is different! I wouldn't take concept advice from me personally because I don't make original illustrations. Fanart is easier to work with because usually you're interpreting someone's existing narrative and you can churn out something cool from that. Maybe my advice is draw more fanart???

[twostepstyless]

Okay bestie nel @lonelycowgirls got me inspired. Like her I’ve had 7 months of fun and living my best life and also a lot of change of leaving a job and starting a new one (which as an aside I’ve officially passed my probationary period, ya girlies employed employed in something she genuinely loves and wants to do) so I need to come back to myself and I’ve currently got the feeling that I’m not spending my time away from work as well as I could be. So here’s some goals and a lot of waffle to go alongside them for the next 5 months for me to shoot for!

1. Do some conscious, meaningful movement every day, whether that’s a hot girl walk, the slow running club I’m doing with some of my girlies, a swim, a class, cycle, yoga flow, a fucking skipping rope, anything, just meaningful movement. I’ve went from a fairly active job to a mostly inactive role and I am feeling the difference.

2. Stop dipping into my savings. My savings are in a fairly healthy manner and I’m good with my income but I’m getting awfully good at dipping a quick wee 30 quid here and another wee 50 quid there and I’m not helping myself by doing that.

3. Be creative for me again. I’ve been in the trenches of the most horrendous creative block I’ve suffered through since I finished art school during covid. By the end of the year I’d like to have done a few things just to feel that spark again. Those include but not limited or restricted to, finishing at least one painting, do at least one of the embroidery projects I want to do, write something for here?? I’m not even overly arsed about what I’m doing or the final outcome really, I just need to do something with my hands that isn’t for my job.

4. Develop more meaningful connections. This doesn’t have to be romantic, but fuck me I need to talk to more people or develop my relationships with the people I do talk to just now.

5. Get back into language learning. I have been trying to learn Italian well since I was probably about 16, I’m now 27 swiftly approaching 28 and I’m still not overly thrilled with my progress but I bloody enjoy doing it so why can’t I just commit to it. My relationship with Duolingo is frosty right now and I’d like to thaw that out!

6. Be consistent with what I’m putting in my body. Food is a hard topic for a lot of people myself included but I know I need to be more consistent with what I’m putting in my body. I hate the term cheat day but it’s the only phrase I can think of that describes the situation. I’m not a person who can have a “cheat day” because it spirals into cheat week cheat month cheat multiple months and then I just get fucked off with myself. I’m team “everything in moderation” but I need to get better at balancing the moderation bit. I don’t even mean only food as being consistent with what I’m putting in my body either. My water intake while I’m at work is 10/10 I knock that shit out of the park, the second I come home and over the weekend, you’d think I’d have never heard of water and then I feel shite cause I’ve actively dehydrated myself, so I’m actively trying to sort that out.

7. This one is so stupid lmao but I think there’s a lot of value in seemingly simple or easy goals to tick off. Get a new hairdresser. My current one loudly complains about cutting my hair because it’s so long and like girlie I’m paying you? So I’m over that and I want someone fresh to let at my locks

8. And the big one that’s been a goal all year but I’ve just not conquered yet. I’d like to make moves to conquer my driving anxiety. I feel like I’ve spoke about this briefly in the past. I am a good driver and I’m confident driving places I know. However, I am terrified of going anywhere outside that. It takes a lot of pushing myself to get on the motorway and once I’m on the motorway I’m fine. It’s coming off and going somewhere new where I don’t know exits etc or all of it really and I know in my heart of hearts I’ll be fine and can figure it out but I just can’t get myself over the fear to actively do it. So I’d love to make some good progress to tackle that before the year is up.

[dallonwrites]

bestie how the fuck do you start writing again when you haven't written in years bc you're so paralyzed with Fear of Writing Badly mixed with How Do I Get Started and also WHAT do I write about HELP

I WANT to write but every part of it is. so. DAUNTING

Ohhh bestie I have BEEN there. Whenever I take breaks from writing I find myself scared that I'll have just….forgotten to write?? I think the fear of "bad writing" is amplified when you don't write for a while, however long, because you have to like hype yourself up to go back to writing and it's like what if I do all that and then I just can't do it? Returning to writing, especially after a long time, for me has taken a lot of mental work, trying to understand what will make writing fun and healthy for me. A lot of it, honestly, is easier said than done, but also it's mental work you'll keep doing after you start writing again and as you write, and for me it's easier to process my relationship with writing when I am actually writing.

A big part of that mental work for me, and something I think is so valuable, is to reconsider what "bad" writing is and give yourself permission to write it. Sometimes you will think your writing sucks, happens to all of us, but that isn't all it has to be. Like yeah, I'll think something I wrote sucks, but I still wrote it. I can revisit it and work on it and maybe I'll turn it into something I'm happy with. And even if I don't, I still wrote it, I learned from it. Writing does not need to be "good" by whatever standard we're holding it up to for it to have value. And you can delete it! Nobody has to see it! Also you can have fun writing something and still think it's not your best. I've written a lot of "bad" scenes that I had fun with because the scene was entertaining to me! I love when writing turns out how I like it, or I write a banger prose line, but equally I found it helpful to give myself permission to not worry about that all the time and just focus on my interest/enjoyment in what I'm writing, regardless of the "quality". Again, easier said than done, but something I've found easier the more I write, because you'll have bad writing days but you'll also have writing days that are so good

I know a lot of people see writing as a skill that they want to improve, and like I agree it feels really good to see your writing grow, but writing is so much more than the skill and the craft and the theory. There is no objective "perfection" to reach with writing like we are not Sims with levelled skills LOL. Writing is art and creativity and it should be fun and fulfilling. And IMO, the more you focus on what makes writing fun, you will grow and "improve" as a writer a lot quicker and in a way that is a lot more enjoyable than if you treat writing like some icy quest for perfection. You also get to decide what "good" writing is for you/your story. Some of my stories are more prose focused and I'll play more with language, imagery etc. Others are more about the plot and just having fun imagining this scene. Sometimes it's a mix of both. What is "good" writing depends on the writer, story, genre, etc. There is no one way to write.

I'm rambling a lot because I'm just really passionate about this and I cannot express enough how easier writing got, including all the difficult and ugly and frustrating parts, when I gave space to prioritise my enjoyment and fun. People love to romanticise the idea of the "struggling" writer. I see stuff on here and I'm like you guys….writing should be fun. Like yeah sometimes it's hard and we should talk about that but like, you Need to make sure you are having fun. Anyway I'm going to try not to ramble and bullet point some things that helped me:

Make Writing Fun: Lol! Literally whatever makes writing fun. Sometimes I just write super indulgent scenes and the fun of that sets me up to work on my projects. When I work on my projects I try to find what in each scene I'm going to enjoy the most, and focus on that to help me write the rest. I make playlists, moodboards, memes, art etc for my story because it's fun, and it helps me be engaged with my story outside of writing it. Just, have fun.

On productivity: some people will benefit from setting clear goals and running towards them. Some people don't. For me it depends on my headspace. I don't think productivity is a bad thing, it can feel good, but productivity should not be the only reason you write. And the most productive writing process is whichever one makes writing enjoyable for you, because that's how you'll get words on the page

On that note, please be wary of anyone online who who treats the writing advice they share as Fact. I'm not saying every writing teacher out there does...but some of them market it that way! And creators do not have an authority on writing just because they have a platform however big. There are some AMAZING content creators out there who talk about writing, and I have found them motivating, but like just let yourself be picky about who you listen to/engage with. I say this because I consumed some very Strict writing advice when I was younger and it literally contributed to my years long slump so like...I'm picky now LOL

About goals: Personally, gentle goals are what help me get back into writing. Maybe just write for 20 minutes, or write every day for a couple days. When I do word count goals, I base them on how I feel that day, and recently I don't make a word count, I'll transfer it to the next session but smaller. So if I try to write 500 words but can't I'll say okay, lets try 250 next time. Goals can be a great motivator and way to feel achieved, and maybe bigger goals will help you, but you're also allowed to adjust them as you go to make it easier

On finding new ideas, having been there before, you don't need a fully fleshed out idea to start writing. My longest break I came back to writing with...one character and a backstory? If you have stories/characters already you can revisit them, either build on what you have or completely change it. Or if you don't have that, if there's a piece of media you like you can take that concept and play around with it in your own way, or you can even just write fanfic until you have your own idea (if you want your own idea, fanfic is cool too!) You can even just find a cool pic on pinterest and play around with describing it, writing about it, seeing if you can get anything from that. Ideas are everywhere and they can be tiny, and I think if you have that want to write you Will find your story eventually. All writers have had the Idea struggle, but I think the more you engage with writing and think about what concepts and stories interest you already, the more you'll like train yourself to get ideas

That was very long and maybe a lot but like, I am very passionate about this! I've been in writing "slumps" where I didn't know if I would write again, I've started writing again with no ideas, and in those times all I had was the fact I knew I wanted to write. There are a lot of reasons why we end up having long breaks from writing and it is totally normal, sometimes beneficial for us, and we should never give ourselves a hard time for not writing for however long. But also remember that you can always come back. Every one of us has the capacity to create, whatever that looks like, and you can make it as self indulgent and self serving as you want.

[some-tiny-dragon]

The thing I find interesting about Pokemon Scarlet and Violet is that the school is both a great tutorial and bad tutorial.

Let's start with the actual school layout I immediately noticed that all the halls are blocked and you're prompted to the room select screen. Though it seems that the entire rest of the school was removed: it's fine because just think of how annoying it would be to navigate the school. Trust me, even if it was 3 labeled halls: people will get lost.

The classes in concept are great. I myself learned about the terrastalizing mechanic and how STAB moves work. And the other little classes were fun. I also see good value in the lessons for people wanting to understand the game a better. Plus they're optional and reward you for completing the class.

But there's too much talking in these lessons.

The language class has just a guy spouting off a bunch of words in other languages and it gets really distracting. Would be cool if you selected a language and he just taught that a bit. The art class is just talking about tera types and what makes something artistic. Though it would make for a hilarious moment where at the end of the semester Hassel goes "HOLY SHIT WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAKING ART! Here's some crayons, now go paint the Mona Lisa or something!" Followed by an MS Paint style minigame. Then theres the home economics class which should have thrown in the sandwich minigame. The gym class should have added some battles to demonstrate the subject.

There needed to be more action in the classes to emphasize points and give more reason for participating in lessons.

You can also visit your teachers, instigating some special cutscenes once you've taken a number of classes. But they don't really have much to say normally. That kinda sucks because that would be a great place to expand on subjects that don't relate to the game like Hassel giving genuine art advice, Saguaro giving extra advice in cooking, Salvator doing a word of the day, Jacq threatening to fail you if you don't rate his app 5 stars, Dendra giving you an exercise to try once a day or Tyme teaching math tricks.

As I said: the school is a great idea and almost did it well, but made the same mistake that the trainer tips in previous games.

[sleepingpopplio]

Deku’s hero costume and indicating tonal shifts within a story

This post builds on everything I mentioned in a previous one, and highlights the brilliance in Horikoshi’s character design. To be more specific, the brilliance in Deku’s design and his hero costume. I also want to start this post by saying that I am an artist myself, and while I’m always learning new things, I do have some knowledge and understanding of color theory and character design. Now, on the surface, Deku is purposely made to look as non-threatening as possible. He has very few sharp edges, his face is round, his eyes are round, and he has very curly hair. Furthermore, when you learn art and character design, one of the fundamentals is understanding how shapes affect the audience’s perception of the character. It’s a very complicated subject and shape language can be used in various ways, but to simplify: sharp edges and triangle shapes indicate harshness or intimidation, square shapes indicate stability and balance, and circles or round shapes indicate softness and gentleness. Izuku falls under the category of circle shapes and as previously stated without his hero costume, particularly in the beginning of the story before he loses more of his innocence, he looks relatively harmless. But let’s take a look at his first hero costume…

His first hero costume is very bright, with a mint green and white & red accents. Izuku has just begun his hero journey, and he has not had any pressure placed on his shoulders yet (except his need to not be useless and prove himself as having value due to his trauma from years of being looked down on for his quirklessness). He doesn’t know about the true history of one for all, or all for one. He hasn’t even encountered shigaraki yet. The use of highly saturated and bright colors are supposed to look odd on purpose, because this costume was designed by an bright eyed child who simply wants to be a hero, and not by a pro who’s been training for this moment for years. Furthermore, the light color scheme fits the idea of a positive protagonist who wants to goes into everything he does with an upbeat attitude. Think of Superman, who also have very saturated, bright colors in his design, and is another character is is known for his optimism. It should also be noted that the shaped in the hero costume are much sharper compared to deku himself. The stripe pattern, the utility belt, and elbow/knee guards are all very angular. This then can be taken in two different, yet connected directions. Deku, despite coming off as a harmless character, is able to function well as a hero right from the start because of his intelligence and ability to think on his feet. He’s an analyzer who takes his time to dissect his opponent’s weaknesses, and therefore one could say that he holds the capacity of being a very grounded character. Sound familiar? That is the square shape doing its job of conveying another aspect to Izuku that is best seen when he is in action as a hero. Thus, Izuku’s inner strength, reliability, and strong will are conveyed through square shapes in his costume. However, the angular nature of the same design patterns I’m mentioning, in addition to the pointy all might ears on his head, could also be hinting at Izuku’s ferocity in battle. I’ve already mentioned in a previous post I linked at the start of this but will link again just in case you don’t want to scroll up again lol, that Izuku has an intense, repressed inner rage that stems from his childhood trauma and self loathing. The sharp edges in his hero costume allude to this fact, but it can easily ignored since the color scheme is so bright and positive— his inner darkness can be overlooked by Izuku’s positive exterior. But let’s take a look at deku’s 2nd hero costume, and how it indicates a shift in Izuku’s character.

It should first be noted that Izuku only puts on this costume After the sports festival. The festival is where the process of an insurmountable amount of pressure being put on Izuku’s shoulders begins. He learns about the true legacy of One For All, he learns about his destiny to fight All For One, and he is told that he has to become the next symbol of peace and therefore has to have an “I am here” moment. All of these things are responsibilities that Izuku was never previously told about, and was never given any indication that he had to worry about. Thus, Izuku’s mental health begins taking a serious downward decline starting at this arc. This decline, or regression, follows him for the rest of the series all culminates in the vigilante arc. I won’t go into too much detail about that, because as previously stated I’ve already gone in depth about it, but I am mentioning this because this costume perfectly represents the beginning of Izuku’s regression. The color is much darker, and instead of white accents there are black ones. I cannot emphasize enough how big a deal it is for a superhero to change costumes to wear a much darker one. Spider-Man is the most well known case of this, as all of his darker toned or black suits often indicate a dark time in his life where he struggles with his inner rage and weight of responsibility. Does this sound familiar? Horikoshi loves heros such as Spider-Man, and that is why quirks such as blackwhip and danger sense are based off of Spider-Man’s abilities. It wouldn’t be much a stress to assume that is where Horikoshi also got the idea of making deku’s suit darker from. Therefore, Deku putting on his darker suit after he begins his slow downward spiral serves as foreshadowing to the audience that all is not well with our protagonist. While it may look better than his last, because he has become more mature and thoughtful about his choices, what it represents is not come-Worley positive. Furthermore, the hints of white, the remnants of his first costume, serve to show the remaining innocence he has left, or will have left by the time he stops wearing this version of the costume. It’s not much, buts it’s a beacon of hope that maybe it’s not too late.

By the time Izuku unlocks his shoot style, even more black is added to his costume in the form of his leg armor and his iron soles. He shifts to the shoot style after the summer camp and Bakugo retrieval arcs, which were very intense and traumatic events for him. He’s developing his own identity outside of allmight, which is positive, but the increasing amount of dark colors in his suit is concerning. His mental state is getting worse, he is continuing to enter a darker phase in his life, and it is happening at a slow enough pace that most other characters do not notice what is happening. Surprisingly, his costume does not change much for most of the future arcs. From a strictly character design perspective, this makes sense, as constantly changing a characters costume can make them less recognizable and thus alienate them from the audience. Plus, it’s simply easier to draw because the author will always know how the character is supposed to look. But, this could also be a sign of how Izuku tries even harder to put forth a positive persona while at the same time hiding what he is going through. We all know that things get worse before they get better, so let’s look at another costume change…

We don’t have many colored versions of Dark Deku yet, but from what we do have we can see how much work horikoshi put in his design to make it as menacing as possible. From the tattered costume, to the muddied colors, to Deku’s facing being hidden by a mask and cowl full of sharp edges, with only his pupils being visible. One thing about character design that I haven’t mentioned yet is the effect of showing/not showing a characters face. With characters, seeing their faces tends to make the viewers relate to them more, as we can more clearly see their facial expressions and make eye contact with them. Covering a character’s face purposefully creates a disconnect between them and the viewer. Think of characters who have something to hide, or struggle to be emotionally vulnerable. The personas of Batman vs Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man vs Peter Parker are comic book examples of characters who present themselves very differently as super heroes compared to their civilian forms, and wear masks that cover most of if not all of their faces. Furthermore, that is why in many Spider-Man movies the character will take off his mask a lot, even if it is mid-fight, because the audience needs to see his face in order to connect with him during those important moments.

Now with Izuku, as previously stated, we don’t see any of his face except his pupils while he is in his Dark Deku form. We are instantly disconnected from him. That is also why we’ve rarely seen deku wear his mask up until this point— even though we knew that it was always there as a part of his costume. The only other time that deku wears his mask for a significant amount of time is with his first costume, and when we is trying to simply imitate all might instead of trying to be his own hero (just as a lot of bright-eyed children would do when it comes to their innocent wish of wanting to be like their hero). He is trying to run from his emotions and who he is as Izuku Midoriya by hiding behind the persona of the Hero Deku, the 9th holder of One For All whose only purpose and source of value is to defeat All For One. Only when he takes the mask off at the end of the arc do we finally get to see genuine emotion from him. In addition, during this arc Deku is incredibly aggressive and vengeful. He has very little patience for his opponents. This is emphasized by the fact that there are almost no soft edges in his costume at this point. With it being torn to shred, there are shard and jagged edges everywhere you look. It may be a pain to draw, but it’s worth it for the effect it achieves. Any source of light colors are also gone. The white accents, which once represented the little innocence that Izuku had left as he continued to be plunged into the darkness of the hero system, are completely gone. His white gloved are now a dark brownish color, and even the dark green of his costume has become even darker. He’s so dirty that in many drawing of this form he is even drawn in all black, furthering the parallels between him and other comic book heroes with dark forms. He is the embodiment of despair and rage, thus cementing this costume as one that, in the words of civilians within the manga, “would never guess is a hero”.

Now this leads us to Izuku’s final costume change. Once again, we don’t have many colored pieces of this one and the ones we do have don’t show his entire body. However, we can notice some things about the color. Gran Torino’s cape is not longer just a thrown on addition, and instead Deku’s entire costume feels more cohesive and inclusive of the cape. Not only that, but the specific shade feels more like the color gold than a plain yellow. Gold is a color that often signifies success, and is commonly seen as the color of champions. Izuku is ready to finish this story, the legacy of one forand for all (lol, get it). But this time, he’s ready to do it with the help of his friends. That is what makes him a champion, instead of the villainous persona he had when he tried to complete OFA’s legacy on his own. Furthermore, the main color of his costume is much darker, and almost looks black. Izuku has been through a lot dating back to when he was a little kid, and he has a lot of trauma. He’s tried to run from that trauma all his life, but by the end of the vigilante/villain hunt arc, he finally is able to confront it in a healthy way with the help of his friends. He’s finally healing, and while he will never be able to get the childhood and innocence that he lost back, he can still find comfort and human connection as he moves toward a better future. Similarly, much of the lighter, more highly saturated colors on Deku’s costume will never come back. Gold is not a color often seen on children, and thus his costume is much more mature than his previous ones. While it may be bittersweet seeing our protagonist all grown up, the use of color and return to similar shape language signify that change is a part of life, and that at the end of the day a person will still be the same at their core. What matters is finding hope and success in the darkness.

So what does this all mean in the context of the story at large? Well, since Izuku is our protagonist and we go through the story via his perspective, as he regresses, and his costume changes, the story changes. We enter BNHA with a comedic and lighthearted story. There’s plenty of gags, pretty black and white interpretations of good and evil, and a decent amount of relatively laid back chapters/episodes. But during the arc that stain is introduced, Deku’s costume changes because of his own issues, and the story gets darker. His story gains more black accents, and the story becomes even darker. Deku has is dark deku form, and the story is the darkest it’s ever been. But once deku changes into his final costume, the story is still dark, but there’s a sense of hope that things will get better. Deku has hope that he can save Shigaraki. Thus, Horikoshi masterfully uses color theory and shape language to shape Izuku Midoriya as a character, his regression, and the increasingly dark tone of the story through the eyes of our protagonist.

[monstersinthecosmos]

I was asked in that Fanfic Writer Asks thing 💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing? and I wanted to break it out into its own space.

The No. 1 Most Impactful Lesson is Write What You Want to Read

But I do want to speak about this for a minute because like everything important that I know about writing ALWAYS comes back to this idea, and there's two main points I want to make about it.

Your "VOICE" is about your taste and your ideas more than it is about your technical skill, language, and structure.

People I think stress about "voice" thinking that they need to develop their language and prose and rhythm and all the flowery poetry. I don't think it matters, personally. I think if you have an idea, the idea itself is the thing that drives the story.

Fanfic is awesome to use to learn how to write because it's accessible to everyone, and you get such a wide sampling of skill in one place. And sometimes you can see a really atrocious fic and it kinda teaches you what not to do, and helps you understand what you do or don't like as a reader, but sometimes you also see the good idea peeking through and you can enjoy it anyway. There are fics I ADORE that are so sloppily written, break all the rules, formatted like shit LOL, and I'm still HERE FOR IT because the author had such great ideas.

I'm sure anyone who's learned a second language had learned this, but, I remember when I was studying abroad that the college president welcomed us to the program and gave us this huge pep talk about how like, when you're out in the world speaking a second language, your grammar isn't important. If you can COMMUNICATE, that's what's important. If you can point to the apple you want to buy and say "Apple buy", the person will understand what you're trying to say.

So I think of writing that way, too. Your ideas are more important than your technical skill. Share the ideas. Keep sharing the ideas. The skill will follow when you're putting the time in.

2. Writing for fun is just as valuable as writing for work.

I took a long break from fanfic writing in my 20s because I kinda thought I'd "moved on" and that it had been my teenager hobby. And I had gone to college for photography and becoming a professional photographer really killed a lot of my passion for the art. College really brainwashed me into thinking creativity is a waste of time if it's not monetized, so even though I always enjoyed writing, I spent a few years being hard on myself and thinking it was stupid to waste time on writing fic because I couldn't sell it.

And that's such bullshit?

Because the truth is that, by telling myself "Don't write stuff you can't sell" I just wound up not writing anything at all?

And writing is like, my lil thing that that I do for fun. I can do it for fun. It feels good. It's the space I've made to be creative where I specifically don't have to worry about money, and I value it so fucking much.

I'm sure there are other people who bypassed this life lesson by NOT falling into a capitalist trap LOL but if I can share that, to help others avoid it, I will!

Write what you want to read, because it's fun, because you want to! Because you have good taste and that's your voice! You can be confident and stand up and say "I think this idea is cool so I'm going to share it with you!"

Trust yourself and your taste!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't stress about the technical stuff, it will follow!

(Bonus point #3 is bonus because it's a little more about technical stuff but if you start thinking about write what you want to read WHEN YOU READ it really helps inform how you think about your story structure and pacing. Like when I get stuck on a pacing thing I'm always thinking "Would this bore me if I were reading it? Would I want to be slow burned? Would I want more time spent on this payoff?" etc. I think that shift in mindset really helps when it comes to your story structure!!!!!!!!!!!)

[skinnytuna]

I really really like that long post you did about making art. especially: 'i have somehow convinced myself that, if i maybe try a little bit, not exceptionally hard, but only a little bit, maybe i will somehow magically be good enough and worthy of critical praise.'

I spend all my time thinking about the beautiful or ""groundbreaking"" things I would make but no time actually doing it. and then when I attempt to create something the actual discomfort of physically drawing, writing or even coding is so unlike the idealised version in my brain that I have to stop because it is so frustrating. I wish I could be the sort of person who decides to spend hours upon hours perfecting a craft. but I just cant. weirdly I've come to terms with it. theres a whole world of art that exists just for me in my head. maybe one day ill be able to translate it into reality. but for now, im just going to be happy with the dual presence of my shitty real art and my lovely art thats just for me.

(also: I dont think your posts are lacking. the way you use language is unexpected and hilarious. I like it a lot.)

we should have a word for the terminal need for validation but lack of any and all discipline ... seems like a relatively new phenomena. i'm considering the strong possibility that it's a widespread result as the death of the "hobby"... however many years ago i imagine it was normal to just do something for yourself, because you love doing it. in fact i see a lot of my friends parents still doing stuff such as this.

i have a lot of friends whose dads make eps and albums for fun. for them only. no wishing on a star for it to blow up overnight. none of that. security in the quality of it. security in how far it probably won't reach. now that security, of course, could just come with age. but i suspect there's a generational parasite.

we were all raised with Numbers. the follower count, the like count, these are burned into our psyche. a neurosis coiled tightly around an objective metric of validation. a handful of years ago such a neurosis couldn't even exist! and it especially couldn't exist in a matter of seconds or minutes. your value as a person is a pair of dice that you roll and you snatch them back the moment you see snake eyes. almost all of the amateur art, music, writing we are exposed to has a number right under it. you don't get to evaluate it yourself. there is immediately a pavlovian connection, i like this thing, this thing has this number attached to it, if i can get a number like that i'm worthy of coexisting with this thing.

there's an almost instant dissociation between the craft, the skill, the time, and the FRUIT. what you get back. we are almost trained to care more about how popular something is than how good it is. not like, hollywood productions, or Columbia Records' chart topping album by a thirty something with A&R parents, but how popular someone just like you is on the internet. a plausible professional with a twitter account who draws whatever they want. someone you could relate to. someone you could be.

but because you want the numbers you skip the learning... you make something and put it out. and you keep doing this. your learning is public, your honing of the craft is documented before an audience of hopefully thousands. and you see what they respond to. and their responses steer the direction of your learning. you never have an opportunity to make something shitty. make something no one likes. experiment. you just keep feeding the computer. and it works until the point where you want to do something else, or something real, or something better, or something serious, and realize you don't know how. and you're like Fuck Shit why did I hustle instead of learning in peace.

but of course this is all by design. the numbers can't teach themselves more numbers if you doodle in your sketchbook and don't show anyone. i'm not sure if it was ever a specific person's idea to make everyone's entire life a performance, but whoever engineered it did a damn fine job. takes a sledgehammer to break out of. oh well ! in a few generations i'm sure all of our skin will have glare dampeners evolved specifically to vlog better with. and everyone will have forgotten what it's like to do something in your room, by yourself, because you like to do it

[blissfullyapillow]

hiya :) id like to request a star rail matchup please (if your rqs aren’t open feel free to ignore)

im a straight female (she/her) and id like to not be matched with sunday

appearance: 5’7”, long blonde hair (usually in big curls or a messy bun) i do wear glasses but if I’m going out I’ve always got contacts in. my style is very girly- a mix of vintage classy (think marilyn sort of) and y2k. my makeup tends to stick to being quite simple and natural, but i do love a red glossy lip

personality: enfp, 7w6. im very outgoing and loud, but i also value my quiet time to relax. i joke around a lot, so I find it hard to converse with people who are serious *all* of the time. im definitely an emotional person, and that will usually drive my actions over logic. im academically intelligent but admittedly lacking in street smarts or common sense. creative, very much the dreamer type and i need to have my freedom.

I put a lot of effort into my appearance because I genuinely enjoy it. It can make me a bit high maintenance but I would not expect too much from a partner, especially not without reciprocating in some way. I also love doing anything artistic (im currently studying art!) travelling, music, and cooking.

my love language in a relationship would probably be physical touch, but I’m easy to impress with most efforts of romance. in a partner I look for someone strong and loyal, with a good sense of humour and ability to have long conversations with- whether that be equally contributed or lead by myself in the case of someone more quiet.

thank you if you get to meee ☺️💖

ps could I be 🍰 anon pls if u don’t have that taken? C:

Pillow Talks: Hi again 🍰! I made my own header for your request because content for Sampo is oddly lacking for some reason??? Anyway, I hope you like your matchup! I promise you it’s good hehehe. 

What I think your relationship would sound like: Sampo Koski

Masterlist

⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ ݁˖$ ⁺⊹ ★.ᐟ 

Icon creds in header: @/faivrse on pinterest (left) & @/mintst4rss on pinterest (right) 

⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ ݁˖$ ⁺⊹ ★.ᐟ 

Sampo would be in LOVE with your hair. Really, long blonde hair with big curls? He’s a goner, especially when you put it up into that messy bun of yours. Honestly, he was lovestruck the moment he laid eyes on you. 

Oh, how you made his heart pound. Of course he had to approach you! …Only for his reputation to serve as a horrible first impression. You’ve heard the name Sampo Koski far too many times to count. 

You honestly began to believe it was some legend to educate people on the crafty ways you could be scammed out of your money, but the man himself stood before you, bent down to be eye level with you as he spoke. You knew better than to make the mistake of engaging with him, so you continue walking.

If only he didn’t have such an awful reputation, maybe you would’ve stopped to hear what he had to say. Despite your apprehension, you kept walking to your destination, effectively ignoring him despite his many attempts to ask you out on a date.

You successfully escape him, only to encounter him the following day as you accidentally bump into him. You start to think it wasn’t an accident when he turns around, all too eager with that stupidly charming grin on his face. 

It takes many more encounters for you to finally agree to a date, solely because you happened to see him helping a young child that was previously ignored by everyone else. You were heading over to help the child, but he swooped in to save the day before you could. 

After you witness the tearful, yet happy, reunion of the child and their parents, you decide to give him a chance. Besides, you should form your own impression of him before completely writing him off…

Your decision leads to a beautiful relationship, one that far exceeds your expectations. Through conversation, you come to learn just how complex of a person Sampo is. Although he appears to be a dishonest, crooked individual, he provides remarkably wise advice whenever you approach him with your worries. 

He’s also fiercely loyal, which you’ve come to realize over time. Once you two officially started dating, even before, Sampo’s eyes have always remained on you and you alone. Sampo is an attractive individual so he’s been approached while the two of you have been together. 

You know you never have to worry though, because Sampo won’t even look their way!  He always politely declines any offers he receives, and he’ll casually intertwine his fingers with yours as the two of you walk away. 

He’s more than happy to have long conversations with you, and the tone can shift depending on the topic and your personal feelings. He’s really good at being a solid emotional support for you, and he’s quick to pick up on the little things you do that indicate how you’re feeling.

Sampo relies on you when it comes to academics, but street smarts? Oh, he’s got you. He’s helped you avoid many situations that otherwise would have escalated quickly, and other scammers trying to make a quick buck off of you.

Sampo loves to joke around with you. Your laughter is as heavenly as the sound of money in his hands, as he flips through the stack of cash he managed to make through very legal and very ethical means. 

If his sneaky ways really bother you, he’ll still spoil you with gifts and fun outings, but he’ll make the effort to earn the funds through more conventional ways he knows you’d approve of. But the money he spends on other things? … not so much.  

Sampo is head over heels in love with everything about you, but especially your appearance. Oh, he loves when you put on your red lip gloss, if you don’t specifically tell him to, he won't keep his hands off of you anytime you wear it around him.

Your style is very appealing to him, and he makes the effort to tell you how beautiful you are to him everyday. When he found out you wore glasses, he snuck a picture of your cute face that he can often be found admiring; it’s still his lockscreen.                      

He finds it adorable how much of a dreamer you can be, and he'll happily participate in any of your hobbies you’d like to share with him. 

Regarding your personality, he actually admires how loud and outgoing you are! It only serves to liven him up when he’s feeling a bit down about things. When you’re feeling emotional and it’s causing you to take unwise actions, Sampo is exceptionally good at stepping in and gently talking you down. His voice takes on this soothing tone that you subconsciously calm down listening to. 

Overall, you two are really cute together! He’s head over heels in love with you, and he treats you like the queen you are and nothing less; you are absolutely smitten with him in return.

✧˖°♡〃⋆.˚

His fingers lazily loop one of your curls around his finger, flashing you a saccharine sweet smile when your eyes glance in his direction.

“You look really pretty when you’re concentrating like that, you know?” His words cause your heart to flutter, but you purposefully ignore him in favor of reading the recipe laid before you.

Sampo watches intensely as you bend slightly forward to ensure you pour the correct you need into the pot. How can you focus when you can feel his gaze, and when he’s looking at you like that…

You feel your face heat up considerably. With a huff you turn around to tell Sampo to back off, only for him to immediately capture your lips. 

As much as you’d love to indulge him, you’re both pretty hungry. So, with a sigh you pull away. “We can cuddle and watch movies together later-” You smile at the way his eyes immediately light up, “IF you help me finish cooking. Weren’t you complaining about being hungry earlier?” He sighs in faux annoyance, leaning in to press his lips against yours once more before he begins assisting you.

He knows you’re both looking forward to your cuddle session, after all. 

Dedicated to,

.⋆.˚🍰₊˚.ᵎᵎ˖⁺. ݁

[kikyan]

Hiya, hope you're having a lovely day^^

Haven't done one of these before, so I hope I don't mess up (And that my request is still valid in-terms of the event end date).

I'd like to request a yan. mash up for TWST & ObeyMe!

I'm 18, my pronouns are they/them, I'm a Cancer and INTJ. I'm a pretty anxious person. Having social anxiety, agoraphobia, being a homebody and just being an overall introvert, I tend to keep to myself and avoid going outside much. Im an over-thinker and a night owl. When I'm around people that I don't feel comfortable with, I'm very much a quiet, shy, jumpy, awkward, paranoid, tired lookin' loner. But when I get comfortable and l'm with close friends or family, I'm quite the opposite. I'm bold, sarcastic, and have a witty sense of humor, I’m a cocky little shit that likes to tease the hell outta people (obv because that's how I show love ^ ^) | can also be reckless at times given the right environment. But aside from that I’m a pretty chill person. I love to learn and indulge in other people’s interests. At times I can be extremely overconfident and daring yet insecure and cautious^^ im also really loyal to everyone I care about, I value community and trust, caring and supportive, the list goes on. As for some of my (debatably) negative traits, I can be quite blunt and straight forward (I don’t like sugar coating ), defensive if I’m proven wrong, I can occasionally be indifferent, passive aggressive, reclusive and aloof if I get pissed/sad (even if it’s for something small). I’ve been told i have rbf •_•). I like cleanliness and neatness, but I can also be somewhat messy when I procrastinate cleaning. Hobbies: I love drawing, I have a crap ton of sketchbooks that are filled with drawings front to back, and some that have never seen a pencil before ^^; (I have my fair share of twst and obey me fan art =w=). Reading, reading, and ReaDing! I’m a book worm^^ i mostly read horror, thrillers, and mystery novels. Also, I’m incredibly obsessed with gothic literature and poetry (I’m a bit of a writer myself). I live for horror! Movies, books, shows, etc. I specifically like psychological, cosmic, and gothic horror. Music wise, I listen to rock, metal, alternative, indie rock, post-punk, and new wave. Though I’ve recently been more into 80’s post-punk (as of right now my fav band is Caifanes, definitely recommend them). Style: I don’t usually care much for the way that I look, i prefer comfort over style most of the time. I usually ware black, anime t-shirts, baggy jeans, leather jackets or oversized hoodies, and my go-to converse or docs. I dunno what else to include, so I guess I’ll talk about what kind of person I like. I like it when people can be honest and voice their feelings, concerns, wants and needs. I definitely appreciate a proper and mature way of communicating. My receiving and giving love language is quality time and physical affection, so having someone who loves to receive and give both is an immediate green flag in my book. I personally like clingier personalities to a healthy degree, I swear ^^; I definitely love people who are openly lovey and romantic, I find it adorable, especially cause I’d do the same right back. A person who loves to try new things, and who loves spicy food (cuz being a picky eater,,, that’s a deal breaker). I like someone who shares my same hobbies and is just as ambitious as me. And if not, that they at least support and encourage me to do what I like. Personality wise, I like a person who is soft and caring, romantic, honest, noble, creative, humble, cautious, a night owl (so that me can both stay up late into the night) someone more mentally stable then me (that or just as mentally unstable as me =^=) and lastly someone who would also indulge in my hobbies with me. I hope I added enough of the right things for this request and that it’s not confusing >x< it’s long I know. Anyways, thank you so much for your work, I love everything you write, hope to see more of it. Take care love ^,^)/♡

I have no words to explain why this took months. I don't know, but better late than never. . .right? You probably heard this before and it won't come as a surprise but I match you with Idia (TWST) and Levi (OM!)! 

When it comes to what I gathered from your personality, you probably relate to them more instead of simping but I see you with them! Side note, I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND OMG YOU SOUND SO COOL?? I ALSO WANT TO SEE THE ART PLS! PLS LET'S BE FRIENDS! 

Moving forward...I see how they would both love you. You love their hobbies but understand them like nobody else. With Idia, his love for you starts when you start to open up about your hobbies. He probably starts to think about you but not in the best way at first. When he notices you like the same things but he probably wouldn't see them as a reason to get closer. He may find it as an excuse to not approach you because he's not sure if you're a casual fan or a fan-fan. Would you be disgusted with him? Find him as one of those cringe fans who bring the fandom down. Are you a casual enjoyer who wouldn't understand his passion? Though he would love to share his passion, would you look down upon him like everyone else? I'm not quite sure if I included this in my headcanons, but Idia is an observer. Which I think makes him open up to you because he can see the real you. I want to say that if we follow the story of the game, you probably don't meet Idia until after you established some friends with Ace and Deuce. He probably has some image of you already established, no doubt you're very social. When you mentioned how you were someone very shy and quiet when first meeting someone, you probably do it to be nice or at the very least, respectful. He probably sees that side of you at first and doesn't think much of it. He probably thinks that his likes and dislikes would scare you away until he overhears maybe Deuce or Ace talk, "You like that? I never would have expected you to like that, [Reader]?" That's when he gains a little boost, you like the same thing he does. Not to mention you're a shy thing, so no harm in at least trying. I think once he finally does talk to you, he can see all the unique things about you as well as how similar you both are. Idia is the same, spoilers for the phantom bride card but he hated the whole ordeal. In his vignette, the rest of the students hyped him up so much that he kinda got overconfident making everyone regret saying anything. He didn't do it to be a bitch, but rather he said it because he was comfortable around the others. Who wouldn't? So he would return that sarcastic humor. He would probably love teasing the hell out of you. Stay up all night gaming with you, exchanging messages left and right, etc. I can already imagine the list of recommendations that both of you exchange. He would love seeing your art and hype you up, maybe even propose writing a story together. Of course, this is yandere so what is yandere without the horror aspect? Idia wouldn't exactly show you off but he would be so content with calling you, his. His friend, his S/O, his partner, his gaming buddy, etc. He's not like Leona who would strut into the room with his arm around your shoulder, but he would love it when you say, "Oh yeah, sorry I can't tonight. I'm hanging out with MY partner tonight." Of course, don't tell the others it's him because right now he can't handle that feeling! He would love spending quality time, he's not at all picky with what is being done as long as it's with you. Watching anime together? Done deal. He's gaming and you're working on something else across from him? God imagine he looking up to see you so focused, he just smiles lightly at the idea of you spending time with him and then you look up and see him. His face is BEAT RED, stuttering and looking back at his PC while his headphones have his online friends yelling at him to pay attention and to assist them. He's clingy to a not-so-healthy degree and will often set up scenarios to gain pity so you have to cancel and hang with him. I want to say that while his heart cannot handle the affection IRL he would love the idea of holding your hand and cuddling against you. Imagine he's pouting because he maybe received the worst news, but you're there to comfort him? His world is perfect if your attention and affection remain on just him and him only. 

Okiedoki, now Levi. They're the same but so different.  As I started to play Obey me again and literally from the beginning, I love their family dynamic. Though they all love each other, they're not afraid to tell each other their faults either. I think with Levi it's no surprise that he sees himself as inferior to his siblings. I mean Mammon is scummy but he's a model. Asmo has a vlog and is well-loved even if it gets to his head. Satan is hella studious and has a temper, Belphie is just there and Beel; he has a good heart but his stomach knows no bounds. No need to point out Lucifer, he's polished and pristine, with no flaws that he can vocalize without being strung upside down.

I mean why would you want to be with him? Like Idia, when he finds out you like the same content he does he's probably on the skeptical side as well. I mean, really? Do you like that? When he finally does talk to you about it, he wants to prioritize your time. "[Reader], did you want to-? Oh sorry, you probably already have plans huh?" It's no doubt he assumes you rather want to do anything else other than be with him. When you take him up on his offer, he's so overcome with joy. A blush on his face as he excitedly takes your hand rushing to his room to do the equivalent of setting up the table but rather dinner, setting up an anime marathon. He is smitten with you, another one with a not-so-healthy clingier personality. Another one who just wants to spend time with you, it doesn't have to be anything specific either. I think as time goes on he can become confident too, sometimes even challenging you, He becomes sarcastic, occasionally laughing at memes and sending them to you with a simple "reminded me of you". I think the biggest thing is that Levi could be 100% honest with you. At first, he may not want to voice his feelings, but when you reassure him, he just lets it all out. Though Levi may not love horror himself, he loves your style and appreciates your passion as well. He thinks you're so cool and to be able to stand next to you, gosh you have ways of getting to him. He would proudly march his ass to a movie theater to watch the scariest film as long as he can hold your hand during the entire movie. Let's talk about yanderes, he's the same with Idia where he would 100% say something that forces you to drop what you're doing to spend time with him. Another is, I like to think Levi has been on some sketchy websites, spreading rumors about people who approach you. When those rumors as well as "proof" start circling, you should stay away from them. I stand by the idea that the brother would help one another to keep their S/O trapped. Levi may ask of Asmo's services when digging up gossip and possibly Belphie's to stalk the victim in their sleep and torture them from the inside. While all this happens, Levi will continue to play the role of the perfect boyfriend. 

I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! Thank you for your continuous support, have a wonderful day!

[dotster001]

May i request a Romantic TWST Match? :D. My Personality Type is ENTP and i speak multiple Languages! Im about 5"3 and im kind of the Therapist Friend who needs Therapy. I love sketching, painting and any form of art. Sleep is also highly vallued. I also have a skincare routine that i really Value. I have an Hourglass Bodytype and im a bit on the curvy side. I tend to make Jokes about my Childhood Trauma and myself. Zodiac Sign is Gemini! Im really damn affectionate and my love language is physical touch. I also have kind of an Oral Fixation and show love by randomly biting someone lmao. I can get pretty shy if flirted with, but i always jokingly Flirt with my Friends. My Pronouns are she/her and im bisexual! Ma fav bodypart of mine is probably my chest. It does give me alot of backpain. (the E cup struggle) . Stay hydrated🍵 Love youre work btw💕💕

(DD here, I feel your pain, literally 😂 also, all of you guys calling me out on my hydration habits? Uncalled for! I did drink water today, definitely because I wanted to not because you guys reminded me so I was thinking really hard about your match, and then I just got the cutest vision, like oh my gosh, I really like this match)

I match you with Epel Felmier.

First off, he's a feral gremlin, so I can totally see once you start affectionately nomming on him, he quickly starts to do it back. He's waited his entire life to learn that he can bite the people he loves. It's like a whole new world has opened for him!

He is in the first year gang so you're friends before you date. He thinks it's so cute how you used to flirt with him, and now that you're dating, if he flirts with you, you get all flustered. You're so precious, he just wants to wrap his arms around you and protect you!

You're joking about your childhood trauma, and he's joking about how he wants to kill Vil. You both are having fun, and everyone around you is concerned. It's a win win!

Literally, who needs therapy when their boyfriend owns an apple farm in the country, with his family there cooking homemade meals every day, and him there giving you love and affection? I do. I need therapy. But not the point when your stress starts to add up, that's when he takes you back home to just relax and snuggle with him. The love and air in his hometown just hits different, you know?

Epel is a boobs man. I will not be taking criticism on this matter.

You're an unstoppable duo. With your artistic skills, and his apple carvings, it was only a matter of time before you teamed up.

You sketch intricate designs, he carved them onto apples, and then you sold them at a ridiculously high price to the rich kids at NRC and RSA. It made even the great Azul Ashengrotto jealous, your little business.

On the side, Epel had been teaching you how to carve apples. Although....

"Ya keep diggin' in too hard, I'll help."

He seemed to be using this as an excuse to wrap his arms around you from behind, set his head on your shoulder, and hold your hand, guiding its movements.

"Hey, Epel," you were about to call him out on this, when he started to kiss along your neck.

"Mhm," he hummed, causing a ticklish vibration to your skin.

You were quickly losing focus, as your boyfriend pressed you closer to him, and nibbled a spot near your ear. Of course you're apple carving that Epel was "helping" with suffered from it.

"Aw, did ya mess up again?" Epel giggled, his smile pressed to your neck. "Guess we'll have to start over."

Needless to say, your affectionate boyfriend continued to help, but none of them came out quite right. Oh well, he was patient when it came to you, and can teach you again tomorrow!

[gpuzzle]

Long Ass "AI Art"-related Rant Time

I've seen way too much discourse aroundcAI from the perspective of both economics and exploitation and automation and all that, and also the "well what is an art anyway" which - I think since we're all collective remaking political and aesthetic arguments from 1917, I kinda wanna look at this from a different angle that is also from 1917 - analytic philosophy and the philosophy of the language

the first gist is what language is, which is - as long as you understand the involved symbols, you can understand a message sent; the transmission method is typically visual or audible AKA writing/listening, but that's primarily because we struggle to communicate these complex thoughts via smell, touch and taste; the fact that I am writing my 3 AM thoughts down and someone in the future, even myself, can read and be imbued with the same thoughts irrespective of time or location is the example here

languages don't need to be entirely "languages"; math is basically extensive philosophical shorthand for complex but recurring concepts that we have extensively developed either due to their commonality in nature (such as ordinality) or by philosophical development (formal logic, for instance) - and they feed back; my favorite example is that Boolean Algebra's 1 + 1 = 1 is the basic guide to Computer Hardware, because it is a really simple example of how math literally is just symbols that we choose to interpret a certain way, a philosophical language that we all learn

thus humans have the capacity not only to create languages and generate meaningful thoughts using those languages, but also to interpret those languages which is why we can be emotionally swayed by a good poem for instance; it is fundamentally our capacity to interpret the message sent to us through a given language that allows us to connect and empathize with other people via "text", even non-written texts

well what about "AI"/ML then (I hate calling it ML too, it's really extensive linear algebra, there is mo learning)? that one is just doing Y = AX+B, over and over, with some noise and feedback, essentially a giant circuit of a small scale (as in, literally tens of orders of magnitude smaller) model of a brain - but it's a relatively discrete circuit, and that's especially obvious with language, since that is a set that we easily understand as far more discrete than visual art (I'll come back to that later)

thing is, ML systems are thousands of times smaller, and they don't actually know or learn anything, they just output values they ballpark from their set based on the input; the shortcut taken here is the human shortcut - our ability to interpret text and empathize allows us to understand the actual nonsense it spews out, which is why ML writing tends to be confidently wrong and lose track of things it said before and fail to handle things that require worldly reference like relative size

so since it doesn't understand what it's saying and it's just a random noise that we help interpret by our own text interpretation capabilities, this is basically a parrot - it doesn't understand shit, it can't meaningfully communicate - which is where I plug in Emily Bender's paper on stochastic parrots and then we have the CEO of OpenAI proclaimining he's a stochastic parrots and so are all of us

so there's now a relatively easy construction to make which is that all communication we humans have had through all means including math and language are essentially just random streams of data and that therefore all human communication is meaningless - and thus nihilism and anomie and other early 20th century concepts

this fits again into art which is why AI art basically gets shading right (it's a discrete set of pixels, 4294967296 is a lot of colors but it's not all) from a basic pixel perspective and it can get close, but once you get into things that require spatial recognition, knowledge of anatomy, or just knowing if salmon in a river is the live fish or a raw fillet, it has no fucking clue and just eats shit and dies on live TV

but for a lot of people those aesthetic signifiers (shading! detailed eyes! beautiful clouds!) are the barriers of "oh, this is capital A Art", or at least a signifier of pretty, good-looking art versus something more abstract and at this point that discussion is 1917 again

point being, because visual art is significantly less dense versus text as far as how it communicates things and its interpretation is far more abstract, people end up interpreting this artistic equivalent of a parrot as far more powerful than it actually is

the real danger in "AI" right now is that we've essentially developed a brainless talkbox and paintbox that we can interpret as minimal, the anomie machine, IMO

[cl0udpup]

Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale–Revised (RAADS–R)

The RAADS-R is a self-report questionnaire designed to identify adult autistics who “escape diagnosis” due to a subclinical level presentation.

The response options are:    True now and when I was young    True now only    True only when I was younger than 16    Never true

My Score

  Total - 145   Language - 6   Social relatedness - 63   Sensory/motor - 44   Circumscribed interests - 32

Scoring

All scores of 65 or higher are indicative of autistic traits. The higher the score, the more autistic traits you have.

- No neurotypical who took the test scored above the autism threshold. - Only 3% of the autistic group did not score over 65.

25-49: You are not autistic 50-64: Some autistic traits, but likely not autistic 65-89: The minimum score at which autism is considered 90-129: Stronger indications of autism, although non-autists may score as high 130-159: The mean score of autistic people; strong evidence for autism 160-226: Very strong evidence for autism 227: The maximum score autistic people acquired

Mean RAADS-R scores

Autistics

Total - 134 . Language - 11 . Social relatedness - 68 .  Sensory/motor - 33 Circumscribed interests - 28

Neurotypicals

Total - 26 . Language - 2 . Social relatedness - 5 . Circumscribed Interests - 5

My responses

1. I am a sympathetic person. Always true. I am very sensitive to others strong feelings. I don’t always agree with, or understand why someone feels the way they do, but I feel for them, and can relate to the feeling itself (even if it was another context for me.)

2. I often use words and phrases from movies and television in conversations. Yes. I’m obsessed with film, always have been. It’s an art form that is easily translated into every day situations.

3. I am often surprised when others tell me I have been rude. Sometimes I have done things people have gotten mad at or said is inappropriate. Less now as an adult, as I try really hard to learn from those situations. I hate when someone is mad at me.

4. Sometimes I talk too loudly or too softly, and I am not aware of it. I have been told I am too loud at times.

5. I often don't know how to act in social situations. Social situations aren’t inherently comfortable for me, but I have learned ways to cope.

6. I can 'put myself in other people's shoes.' Vividly. Empathy and understanding others so they feel less alone is a strong value of mine. I read lots of memoirs, articles, watch documentaries and films, listen to podcasts, and interact with others online so that I can have a deeper understanding of what it’s like to be someone who isn’t me.

7. I have a hard time figuring out what some phrases mean, like 'you are the apple of my eye.' If I haven’t heard it before, and there isn’t enough context. I’ve heard this specific phrase as long as I can remember, so I don’t think this is a good example. Usually I go off the tone of the situation and gloss past terms I am unaware of. Sometimes I find out it means something totally different, but it’s not usually a huge deal.

8. I only like to talk to people who share my special interests. This Q is difficult for me. I am very isolated these days, and barely talk to anyone besides my partner, and people in same communities as me online. So, I guess, yes? I have chosen not to seek out conversation with people who don’t share my interests.

It’s hard because I’m still learning what’s the difference between shared community (like neurodivergency, mental illness, disability - the communities I spend time in online,) and a special interest. Does it need to be more specific than that? My socializing has always centered around a specific interest. I have difficulty and disinterest in socializing if it’s not centered around the thing we have in common.

9. I focus on details rather than the overall idea. I get stuck on details, yes.

10. I always notice how food feels in my mouth. This is more important to me than how it tastes. This question sucks because yes, I always notice it, but Idk if it’s more important than how it tastes? Well, maybe it is, because thinking of examples, I love the flavor of apples, but if I bite into it and it’s dry, feeling like it’s sapping the moisture out of my mouth, I can hear the squeak on the peel, no I can’t do it.

11. I miss my best friends or family when we are apart for a long time. Kinda. I’m fine with having non-romantic relationships that are long distance. I’ve only met my best friend since childhood a few times in person and we still talk every day.

12. Sometimes I offend others by saying what I am thinking, even if I don't mean to. Yes, but again, I have learned to essentially rehearse what I say in my head before I say it, to avoid this. I keep a lot to myself.

13. I only like to think and talk about a few things that interest me. I have gotten obsessed with sooo many things over the years, so there are a lot of things that interest me. I had a period of time where I was obsessed with being knowledgeable in all areas (like, a renaissance man lol,) so I can relate in convos and sorta know what I’m talking about.

I don’t really like talking about things I’m not interested in (does anyone?) and I definitely don’t like thinking about stuff I’m uninterested in. That definitely made school impossible.

14. I'd rather go out to eat in a restaurant by myself than with someone I know. Absolutely not. I’m terrified of getting into a scary situation when I’m alone.

15. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be someone else. As I said, understanding others point of view is important to me.

16. I have been told that I am clumsy or uncoordinated. Lately my fine motor skills have gotten worse.

17. Others consider me odd or different. Ya.

18. I understand when friends need to be comforted. Yes, I try to know what to say or do to help a person feel safe.

19. I am very sensitive to the way my clothes feel when I touch them. How they feel is more important to me than how they look. Generally. I love fashion/style, so I like looking cute, but I really only wear athleisure clothing.

20. I like to copy the way certain people speak and act. It helps me appear more normal. I haven’t like, copied a specific person’s mannerisms, but I have studied body language, and monitor my own to fit the situation.

21. It can be very intimidating for me to talk to more than one person at the same time. Casual conversation, no. If this means like, public speaking, yeah that was really hard as a kid. I’ve come up with ways to get through it as an adult.

22. I have to 'act normal' to please other people and make them like me. Basically.

23. Meeting new people is usually easy for me. I get anxious, but I go over every situation in my head before it happens.

24. I get highly confused when someone interrupts me when I am talking about something I am very interested in. Yes, but I’m used to being interrupted so I usually just shut up. It’s hard not to take it personal.

25. It is difficult for me to understand how other people are feeling when we are talking. I guess? I always ask and clarify.

26. I like having a conversation with several people, for instance around a dinner table, at school or at work. Not really.

27. I take things too literally, so I often miss what people are trying to say. Yeah sometimes.

28. It is very difficult for me to understand when someone is embarrassed or jealous. It can be hard for me to understand if someone doesn’t feel the same way as me in general, if it’s about something involving strong emotions.

29. Some ordinary textures that do not bother others feel very offensive when they touch my skin. Apparently so!

30. I get extremely upset when the way I like to do things is suddenly changed. I really don’t like last minute changes. I go over how to keep things running smoothly in my head, and do them a certain way for a reason. If there is a change, I need time to make adjustments.

31. I have never wanted or needed to have what other people call an 'intimate relationship.' I have always been obsessed with being in a relationship.

32. It is difficult for me to start and stop a conversation. I need to keep going until I am finished. Yeah if we don’t finish it now, just forget it. If there’s not gonna be time for the whole thing, let’s plan to talk at x-o’clock. This was a lot harder for me in my teens and 20s. I struggled with moving past an issue, it needed to be addressed immediately or I couldn’t move forward.

33. I speak with a normal rhythm. Never been told otherwise.

34. The same sound, color or texture can suddenly change from very sensitive to very dull. I don’t really understand this question, but I don’t think so.

35. The phrase 'I've got you under my skin' makes me uncomfortable. lol I mean it’s gross, but it doesn’t bother me.

36. Sometimes the sound of a word or a high-pitched noise can be painful to my ears. Yes, I have to adjust my environment a lot, or cover my ears, or ask someone not to do something.

37. I am an understanding type of person. Yes, I have found it important to be laid back when possible.

38. I do not connect with characters in movies and cannot feel what they feel. I connect deeply with characters, and find film a great way to communicate my experiences to others.

39. I cannot tell when someone is flirting with me. I am paranoid about this, so I can usually tell.

40. I can see in my mind in exact detail things that I am interested in. Yes I love visualizing and fantasizing.

41. I keep lists of things that interest me, even when they have no practical use (for example sports statistics, train schedules, calendar dates, historical facts and dates). I love lists. They help me make sense of the world and remember things.

42. When I feel overwhelmed by my senses, I have to isolate myself to shut them down. Absolutely.

43. I like to talk things over with my friends. Yes I need help understanding if what I’m feeling is reasonable and making decisions.

44. I cannot tell if someone is interested or bored with what I am saying. I guess not, cuz I constantly try to give people an out by leaving before I’m asked to leave, or keeping the convo focused on what the other person wants to talk about. It’s like my aversion to being rejected is stronger than my aversion to being bored.

45. It can be very hard to read someone's face, hand and body movements when they are talking. I try to pay a lot of attention to these things.

46. The same thing (like clothes or temperatures) can feel very different to me at different times. Yeah I am like always uncomfortable.

47. I feel very comfortable with dating or being in social situations with others. It depends.

48. I try to be as helpful as I can when other people tell me their personal problems. Yes I like being able to help people.

49. I have been told that I have an unusual voice (for example flat, monotone, childish, or high-pitched). No but people say I laugh too much lol.

50. Sometimes a thought or a subject gets stuck in my mind and I have to talk about it even if no one is interested. Yes I’m very curious and can go down rabbit holes easily.

51. I do certain things with my hands over and over again (like flapping, twirling sticks or strings, waving things by my eyes). Always messing with something, whether it be examining or picking at my fingers, rubbing fabric from my clothes between my fingers, pulling at my eyebrows, rubbing my hands together... I can’t really sit still and quiet.

52. I have never been interested in what most of the people I know consider interesting. I usually socialize based on a shared interest, and keep everything else to myself.

53. I am considered a compassionate type of person. Yes I care a lot.

54. I get along with other people by following a set of specific rules that help me look normal. I try to be likable, and I worry more about others needs than my own.

55. It is very difficult for me to work and function in groups. Yeah it’s frustrating.

56. When I am talking to someone, it is hard to change the subject. If the other person does so, I can get very upset and confused. I prefer knowing what to expect and having structure (let’s do/talk about this thing, okay wanna do/talk about something else now?)

57. Sometimes I have to cover my ears to block out painful noises (like vacuum cleaners or people talking too much or too loudly). Yeah the world is really annoying.

58. I can chat and make small talk with people. Most people love to talk about themselves, so if I ask questions, it’s easy. Don’t ask me about me though lol.

59. Sometimes things that should feel painful are not (for instance when I hurt myself or burn my hand on the stove). So I am told. Piercings and tattoos don’t bother me. I get allergy shots and every time I mention it, people say it must hurt, but it’s a non-factor for me. And not to mention I used to SH...

60. When talking to someone, I have a hard time telling when it is my turn to talk or to listen. It’s kinda like you have to be fast to be able to get a word in.

61. I am considered a loner by those who know me best. I love being alone and doing my own thing, but it’s not socially acceptable, and other people need me, and it’s important to have connection, so I make a conscious decision to. And barely anyone knows me very well lol.

62. I usually speak in a normal tone. Sure I think so.

63. I like things to be exactly the same day after day and even small changes in my routines upset me. As long as I have decided on these changes myself, it’s fine. If it’s something like, my partner is randomly off work and now I have to adjust my day to not having all my time to myself, it’s hard.

64. How to make friends and socialize is a mystery to me. I know how to, I just don’t really want to. IRL, that is. Online friends are great bc they have way less expectations.

65. It calms me to spin around or to rock in a chair when I'm feeling stressed. Yes, rocking soothes me. I spin when I’m happy.

66. The phrase, 'He wears his heart on his sleeve,' does not make sense to me. It does because I looked it up online many years ago and relate to it. 

67. If I am in a place where there are many smells, textures to feel, noises or bright lights, I feel anxious or frightened. It depends. Some things are more tolerable than others, and I can often prepare myself with accommodations. Other than that, I can’t stand it.

68. I can tell when someone says one thing but means something else. Not always. I usually ask to clarify.

69. I like to be by myself as much as I can. Yes, it’s more interesting and less to worry about.

70. I keep my thoughts stacked in my memory like they are on filing cards, and I pick out the ones I need by looking through the stack and finding the right one (or another unique way). No filing card memory for me, and I don’t know what “another unique way” is. This question is going over my head.

71. The same sound sometimes seems very loud or very soft, even though I know it has not changed. The more over or understimulated I am, my senses adjust.

72. I enjoy spending time eating and talking with my family and friends. Yes as long as I can leave when I’m ready.

73. I can't tolerate things I dislike (like smells, textures, sounds or colors). I sure can’t.

74. I don't like to be hugged or held. I love it when I consent to it.

75. When I go somewhere, I have to follow a familiar route or I can get very confused and upset. No, I trust GPS.

76. It is difficult to figure out what other people expect of me. Yes, expectations often don’t line up! I have grown to be very up front about this, and just ask out right, rather than deal with disappointment.

77. I like to have close friends. Not really. I like having my partner. Most friends I’ve tried to have have a different idea of what they want/expect out of a friend.

78. People tell me that I give too much detail. No one ever told me that, but I catch myself doing it now (constantly like, ok side note, sorry for the tangent!)

79. I am often told that I ask embarrassing questions. No.

80. I tend to point out other people's mistakes. Yes until someone told me it hurt their feelings and I started noticing myself doing it. Now if I need to tell someone so that we can adjust for the future, I try to be a lot more tactful.

[shytastemakerthing]

Hihi! I see matchups are open and I wanted to give it a shot and request a romantic ensemble stars matchup~ I apologize in advance if this is too long or if I overshared a bit about myself :)

I'm a bisexual/aromantic 19-year-old art student. Ig my love language would be quality time and acts of service? I'm unsure about what to call my style but anything that makes me feel more handsome/cool rather than cute? I guess my way to go is more elegant and fitted clothes with dark and beige colors. I like wearing accessories such as jewelry with chains and anything with moons and stars. My canines are quite long and people have pointed out that they look like fangs. I don't think describing my physical appearance is necessary but is a feature of me that I quite like about myself.

I don't know how to describe myself, personality wise, most of my friends have admitted that I seem unapproachable/intimidating at first, even if I try to be polite enjoy solitude, and make an effort to engage in conversations, as much as I hate small talk. I try to not show much of myself until I trust people, making an effort to be more of a goody-two-shoes than I am to not seem that rude, I guess? I dislike the number of times I'm told to smile or socialize more, especially if I don't have a good reason to. I can be quite open when engaging in topics I'm interested in or if the other person just connects with me, but if otherwise they push my boundaries I'll have a hard time not to call them out. Despite coming off as the typical grumpy cat energy, I ironically become quite chatty and hyped if the other person is as well, but what brings me closer to people are moments of bonding and sharing interests.

If they're comfortable with it, I enjoy being touchy with my friends, throwing flirty jokes, and teasing them, but when it comes to relationships I'm quite awkward and overthink a lot, so communication is important to me. I'm not good at telling when others are just messing with me or if they actually want to start a relationship with me. Especially since I'm aro/aro-spec, dating is quite a struggle for me, and I value a relationship more based on compatibility rather than infatuation and romantic attraction if that makes sense. I guess I'm quite the "I hate everyone but you" type when it comes to a relationship and I don't mind being quite cheesy and clingy, yet I'm still a bit sassy and sarcastic. I don't have a type but if their feelings for me are obvious (either because they show it or if they're awkward and can't hide it) then I'm sold.

I tend to intellectualize my emotions rather than feel them. I consider myself quite self-aware about my issues and my flaws, as well as accepting. I need to feel worthy of a relationship to engage in it, knowing that my partner is happy with me, I often feel touched when people find me reliable and comforting since I'm aware that I'm not the kind of person whom people would describe as their safe space (i have both mommy and daddy issues dunno who is one to blame for my need to comfort others to feel worth it lmao). My schedule is quite chaotic. I struggle with procrastination because of my depression, yet I still need to be productive 24/7 to feel fulfilled, so I switch between bed rotting and pulling all-nighters. Ig I'm quite selfless and stubborn about it since I hate relying on other people and tend to shut down when it's about my issues.

I like learning about art history, drawing, especially character design, watching anime, staying at home, and animals (I have a rabbit). I also love true crime podcasts and crime TV series and engaging in debates as long as they remain respectful.

I hate housework since my lack of motivation gets in the way, crowded and noisy places, feeling tied down, sunlight, condescending people, and being pitied.

And that's pretty much anything? I tried to make this shorter but I feel like it's still quite long, I apologize ^^"

Hello and thank you so much for your request and for your patience as I finish these up! I hope that you enjoy your match-up and have a wonderful day/night!

Request: Romantic Enstars match-up

I match you with........

Koga Oogami

Another member of the 'I hate everyone except for you' club, so that was the first thing the both of you had in common when you first encountered one another at ES

At first, it was a mutual tolerance that grew into an actual relationship after some time

He wasn't all big when it came to touch at first but after some time, it's one of his favorite things.

Like, after one of the lives that his unit held, he wanted nothing more than to come back to your place (given he has roommates) and to just collapse in your arms

Koga isn't one to force small talk, he understands that you don't always want too, though there will be a few times where he merely asks you about your day, if you want anything when he heads out, and the like

He just wants to take care of you

He may come off as a bit brash, but when he's like that with you, you know that's just how he shows his care, he isn't always the best with his words, coming off as a bit brutish from time to time

Doesn't help when he's listened to Rei call him 'puppy' all day

Will certainly watch crime series with you after a long day. You both just get to chill in your pajamas, a nice meal, and a blanket, and you both are set

In the end, he's glad he went to ES that day, otherwise, he wouldn't have met you

Thank you for your request!

[taxfraudhousewife]

i miss you i know you couldn’t personally solve everything

but i miss the illusion of someone actually knowing what’s going on

you at least acted like you outgrew your anger

i know the whole point of extremism is being pissed off instead of so fuckin depressed

it is so much easier as fuckin depressed as i am to just hate

i learned it from where i think you sent me but i didn’t learn it from you

except i fully fuckin learned it from you but i don’t think i would have if you had one single fucking iota of self preservation instinct

basic material needs aside and glorious revolution aside i just wish i could’ve seen what kind of art you might have made

in some socialist utopia where you had the time and the health

i still really wish you’d written books i hate reading i would’ve read them

you’d be so dangerous if you were some kind of alt right religious fundamentalist

no one who’s as autistic for politics as you should be so charismatic and likeable and eloquent in so many languages

everyone is so lucky to have you on their side

you really were on everyone’s side

still i’d trade the life of every person you saved if i could have you back

i’d burn the whole fuckin world down

and like yeah maybe that’s the problem

i’m not like you as hard as i try

the thought of giving up access to raw food for mushu is enough to steer me away from glorious revolution

but these fuckin hormones are raging in me

they’re boiling and i’m gonna burst

the hormones that make me so unsure of my gender

just because i never got to live and love with a woman as angry as me

the internet tells me the revolution is a girl but all i know is angry teenage boy type shit

angry grieving bottled up feelings don’t talk about it type shit

taking your anger at the government out on your family and yourself and whoever will take it

when the system is fucking you so life is fucking you so there is nothing more than this except for the hypothetical ashes if you burn it all down

i don’t trust my ideals of what to do with the ashes

not anymore

i’m so desperate i’d back some really reactionary shit i’m not like you

and you were kinda the only person i could just fucking blindly follow because i don’t care you might be the smartest and also leftest person i know and i don’t care if you’re wrong

you felt like real living proof that there’s hope

like for real material hope and now both are dead

thank you for that i’m doing great everyone is doing great

it’s not like no one wants to get fucking down and dirty with this shit except for like thirteen people in the world who are actually serious about it

but now it’s twelve because somebody can’t just chill the fuck out for a second

I KNOW IM CONTRADICTING MYSELF

“YOUR VALUE TO ME COMES FROM THE MOTIVATIONAL SOCIALISM YOU PROVIDE BUT ALSO YOU SHOULDVE NOT DONE THE SOCIALISM BECAUSE ITS DANGEROUS”

I KNOW

i know

idc i just miss you a lot

any excuse to negotiate you back to earth

like you weren’t extremely aware of the risks

like you didn’t voluntarily sign up for that shit but you did

and it caught up with you and i respect your decision to be a good fucking person or whatever

but your absence is really affecting my ability to attempt to be a good person and it is terrifying

i don’t want to do this without you

i wanna say i can’t

but I can because i have to and i have to because i can

like you i guess

but i have no plan

no one to blindly follow

and the revolution won’t come all at once like a messiah

and my messiah will not come back a third time

cause you are as dead as ground beef on the pavement

and finally i know that ghosts are only real when you know they are

i can hear you

i want to like it

but it’s like the smell of salt when you’re starving

and there is nothing to binge on

still i obey when you tell me to be good and safe and kind and all that hippie shit

and yeah maybe it’s because you’re the only person who ever directly taught me to be kind

and yeah i should be grateful that you haven’t fully left me yet

but how long is it until your ghost spends so much time in my head

that it becomes just as sad and desperate and afraid as i am

when does it stop being you and start being me

i’m scared of the thought of that

i try to keep your ghost pure but fuck i am so angry at them

yeah for facism and whatever but personally i hate the individual people who tried to make specifically you inhuman

i’m sure it’s an anger you would understand but it didn’t fucking eat you inside out

your ghost is made of sunlight and the steam coming off black tea

and i am polluting it with wildfires and fireball

and i’m sorry and i’m trying but i don’t even know what im supposed to be trying to do

i’m trying so desperately to be kind

it’s a hard thing to do when you just want the social interaction to be over

but you never wanted the social interaction to be over

your whole stupid ideology and my whole stupid religion is the social interaction

maybe it’s exhilarating because it’s terrifying and gratifying and heartbreaking

maybe i just have social anxiety or autism or both

fucking shit dude

i wish you’d tell me what to do

im just a dumb stupid woman i can’t do this shit

man up resurrect devise a fucking plan for me to blindly follow

i don’t want this shit

i do

but i really don’t

but there’s only one way to sustain a slightly less depressed baseline depression

how glorious it is to be a socially anxious socialist

and how glorious to be autistic and standing at the precipice of freedom

but i can’t break surface tension

cause i’m scared of not fitting in

you wouldn’t understand

and that’s why it had to be you