#because I cant just let the connections Ive built up to go after years of work because I am now mentally fucked

[midnight-basker]

2022: Smoldering Ash.

I wanted to wait until todays date to write this, my yearly look back.

Ive noodled this intro in my head for weeks. Thinking about how I'd go about this, what level of tact, of frustration, of anguish, of steadiness.

Below the cut, is an incredibly personal look back on 2022.

I write this for myself, for my own self.

A year ago today, an integral part within me was forever, irreversibly altered.

I lost someone, I lost them as someone who existed in my life, as someone who wanted me in theirs.

They were the singular most important, most favorite person I knew.

It felt like I was drowning.

The last words they said to me haunted me back then, and... honestly still do. Even now.

In the darkest sense, I was set free. The Hanged Man, cut down from its hanging tree, the Wheel of Fortune revolving to the next half-cycle, the Tower come crashing down.

It was like... Learning how to breathe again. A fundamental aspect of my life and of my self that was now a void that just... had to be reconstructed, or better said, had to be built around.

I lost myself, for the first part of 2022. I didn't turn to any vices or bad habits or anything like that. I was just... not there for that part of the year. I was empty, a void, a husk. I had lost them and I... could not recover.

Rather... I wasnt capable of recovering.

I could not tell you what happened in January, or February, or March, or April.

I cant because... I dont remember any of it.

Anyone who knows me well would know how much that fucking scares me. Its one of my biggest fears, losing my memories. And there I was, my mind refusing to retain anything. Incapable of retaining anything.

I didn't contemplate anything drastic. I just... didnt contemplate anything at all. I was a black void wearing the shell of the person I used to be. I didn't reach out to anyone, I didn't, couldn't, let the shell slip. At the time, I felt that no one I knew, or could talk to, would be able to help me in the way I needed or wanted.

So I kept quiet. I went to work, I take care of house and home, I played games and spent time with friends through that.

But that wasn't the person I used to be. That was the shell. The void pretending to be human. Doing whatever it could to maintain any anchor it could establish. Anchors provided stability. Stability, it had hoped, could provide an identity. It had not had the ability to entertain the idea of recovery back then.

...

Until May.

In May, for what ever reason, my family had decided to explore a cavern that was near by. A half hour drive to one of the local caverns found in the mountain region by the new home I lived in. A forty minute tour 500 feet beneath the earth to explore a line of caverns decorated with dazzling lights and incredible nature-made structures.

I bring this up because, that was the first thing I can remember from 2022 after January. The cavern was fun. It was something I had never seen before in my life. A completely novel experience that, well honestly, became the first thing that began to fill the void I was.

And from that kernel within me, I started to reach out.

Not to anyone in particular. At first I made an effort to connect better with online friends. Just... being more around than before. Making plans with the ones I was local with so that we could hang out at a mutual mall.

Then, I started reaching out to people I once talked to. Old friends from high school and that era. Hung out with some, but admittedly nothing substantial came from it.

I suppose, looking back on it, I was rebuilding a new set of connections. With the loss of the most important one I had, I wanted to ground myself. To suspend that kernel of self in the center of the within the void underneath my hallowed shell with a web of all kinds of connections.

My memory of the summer is still spotty. I remember hanging out with a high school buddy for her birthday bbq. At this point, I had reached out to my closest friends. Told them what had happened. They gave me the same advice they had always given me, and just as before, they were there for me. They had my back.

Come July, I had my biggest excursion yet.

This was known to me for months at this point but it was finally time to act on everything my family and I had prepped and planed for.

A 10 hour drive with my immediate family from the DMV area all the way up north to cross the Canadian frontier.

A week long family visit, being taken out and toured all across Montreal and the surrounding area. Words cant describe how incredible the trip was. Exploring a world I had never experienced before.

It was absolutely amazing. And by the end of it, I felt... better.

I didnt feel whole. Not by a long shot. Despite all of my renewed connections, hang outs, big trips. In the middle of them all, was still a void. Everyday I missed them. Everyday I wish I could talk to them again, show them what I had seen. Invite them to join me.

This was a feeling that reverberated my entire being. In the darkest corners of my self, the longing for my closest friend remained.

By the end of July, I was now 25. Part of me hoped that something would change. That I would get a phone call or I would wake up and something fundamental would be different or fixed.

But, the world doesnt work like that, unfortunately.

When I turned 25, I tried my hand at reading the tarot again. Something I had stopped doing back at the start of the year. By the point, my prophetic dreams had eluded me. Sleep was just a reflection of within and within was... well, you know.

I wish I could say I found success again in my augury...

Nothing was there. It was gone, all of it.

It was... heart breaking. Another aspect of myself either gone or lost. The rest of me left reeling at the discovery.

There was one silver lining, however. As a result of my efforts, my dreams started to come back. Nights were no longer as lonely as they used to be.

In August and September, I got more involved with the online communities I was already in. Make a name for myself yknow? Be someone recognized. A lot of that involved just being present in twitch stream chat and in discord. It was fun, and still is. Even got to guest act in a youtube video.

I also started a new hobby, one to supplant my origami hobby. Sticker collecting. I took stickers I either found cool or bought ones online, and turned them into magnets. That way I could rearrange them however many times as I wanted, and never truly lose them.

Im looking at my collection so far right now. Ive got a good collection Id say so myself.

...

October...

October had 1 thing happen that...

...

In October, they came back.

They reached out to me.

And... We talked for the first time in... 10 months.

We shared one conversation.

I thought that things would be better, we would work on regaining that level of friendship we had before. A rocky start sure but we woud make it through, like we always did.

A week later, we shared half of one.

And then.

Nothing.

Everything had gone back to the silent darkness it was before.

I hadnt heard from them since the previous December. I hadnt *seen* them since the previous July, on my 24th birthday.

They had come back.

And then... they left. No words, no explanation.

Just... gone.

The words they told me in January rang in my head for the first time in months.

...

If I wanted to talk to you. I would have.

...

Any progress I had made up to that point was... shattered.

Its taken me almost an hour to write this section. As I recall every detail, the words, the hope I had, the abyssal disappointment when I realized that in the end, nothing had changed. Nothing was going to get better. nothing I could do would matter.

For a long, slow set of days, I felt myself slip closer and closer to that blank slate.

Except, now, I had a support structure.

The very same web the void had constructed. One built on reformed connections, experiences, dates, hang outs, jokes, memories, people, places.

I had lost who used to be my best friend for the second time in the same year.

And it hurt in a way that I cannot, and will not describe. Because it still hurts the same way now.

But I was propped up. By the same connections I made, a safeguard, a failsafe, a causal net I had never expected or hoped to have been used this way.

November was here.

I could not slip back to a blank slate.

November saw me preparing for my first convention in January. MAGfest, held during the first week of that month.

Every day was like standing at the bottom of the ocean, weighed down by blue-tinted blackened sky.

By this point, I had already taken a habit of making more night time drives. Familiarizing myself with the Midnight Highway. Finding a comfort in being surrounded by nothing and no one on the road. Windows down underneath a moonless night sky.

Work had begun to ramp up, and with that, I had even less time for myself than before.

So I decided to make an effort to rebuild another connection one that wouldn't allow for me to slip back to nothingness.

I started hanging out with an old pair of friends from my previous friend group. At first I was worried. As they shared a history with them, and also with me. But, as fate would have it, in the context of we three, that history was water under the bridge after a conversation or two.

Im happy to say that Ive been able to maintain that streak thus far.

December was much of the same.

To the point where I dont recall the divide between months.

...

Everyday I missed them.

At the end of the year, I spent it with online friends while physically I was with family. The week after that, came MAGfest.

An intense 4 days of con-walking, video games, costumes, music, panels, art. A whirlwind of everything I enjoyed. I even got to meet one of my favorite streamers, got a photo too.

Im thinking of going next year too.

Im also thinking of going to a con in Vegas this summer. If Im fortunate enough, Ill be able to do it. If Im fortunate enough in both luck and money.

If this feels abrupt, its because it is.

Im still experiencing everything that happened at the end of 2022. Im still reeling, Im still processing, Im still wishing I could go back to MAGfest.

You dont just lose the person you loved and cared about the most in the world, someone you've know for years, suddenly. And... just be okay with that. Every single day I think about them at least in passing. And I miss them, each and every time. Yeah I had amazing experiences this year ones that I will never forget and will only grow upon, but even throughout it all, I thought about the person I lost, who I wanted to reconnect with to rebuild.

2022 was spent grieving. I cant say what I want 2023 to be. I dont know yet. I think I want to continue recovering the person I was before. Continue filling out the void I am and fixing the shell I wear. New connections, better connections.

Let me rebuild. Let me breathe.

Let me live.

[anthosaidsmth]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Aftermath)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: y/n is about 17 or 18; i cried while writing this. sorry this is really long!!! pls forgive me 🥺

prompt: takes place from a3 to smffh

The Early Years (1) The Teenage Years (2) The Intense Years (3) Continued (5)

let’s start on a happy note! ahahah

so for a while, earth was calm

you, pepper, and tony got to be a family for a while

wedding planning!

of course you got to try the ben&jerry’s ice cream named after your dad: Stark Raving Hazelnuts

“it’s not fair that you got ice cream named after you and i didn’t”

“well, when you grow up to be as awesome as me, maybe you’ll get your own ice cream flavor”

developing nanotech suits together for a Bonding Experience(tm)

speechless after the first test

“dad, this is...”

“the coolest thing to ever exist?”

“yes!!”

yall ready for some shit?

the day that ebony maw invaded was pretty—what’s the word? interesting? no. well, yes, but...HORRIBLE.

it all started when you got the call from your dad

“y/n, incoming call from ‘big fat meanie’”

“god, i really have to change that. okay, JOSHIE, answer it. hey, dad? what’s up?”

“hey, kid! you know that weird ass building on bleecker street? how fast can you get here?”

“JOSH can you track FRIDAY really quick? lets see how far dad is...uh, okay, be there in five, see ya”

taking your suit for a spin and realizing how GREAT it was to be able to basically fold up your suit and put it in your back pocket

knocking on the door and it opened on its own, it was kinda cool

“is this a museum? cool.”

bruce turning around to see you after about three years and giving you an awkward smile and a wave while you stood frozen around the wizard-guys

“y/n, god, you’ve grown up!”

charging into him for a long overdue hug

“you don’t know how much i missed you. it’s been chaotic without you”

“i can...i can only imagine”

a debriefing on the situation you were about to face, and bonus! having to play the catch-up game with bruce

“just call him, dad. we need as much help as we can. steve will understand”

rushing outside to face off with some ugly-ass aliens

“oh nooo, it’s roger smith from american dad”

bruce: 👀, stephen: 👀, wong: 👀, tony: 👏👏🥰 that’s my girl

simultaneous nanosuit unveiling

“you ready for this one, pops?”

“of course! ive waited years to kick some more alien ass”

montage of you and tony getting your asses beat together (as a family <3)

peter showing up

“give me one good reason why i shouldn’t send you back to that school bus”

“because i’m good company?”

“whatever, just listen to whatever dad has to say, i forfeit my responsibilities over you”

pew pew, repulsors, pew, tiny rockets! fun! action! destroying new york again and again. good times...

until JOSHUA gave you notice that your dad was flying high

“call him. now.”

“hey! how’s it going down there?”

“dad, you know how i feel about you and space”

“i know, i know. i just...i gotta take care of this. keep pepper safe for your old man, okay?”

“i lo—l—ve y—”

“y/n? y/n?! i love you! shit!”

“we lost connection with her, sir”

trying to call peter

“call failed, y/n. should i try again?”

“i’m gonna kill them...”

walking through the rubble to find bruce, the only sensible man you know

taking him to the avengers compound asap to get to rhodey and figure out what comes next

meanwhile, tony was dealing with space and another teenager

and worrying a lot about leaving you on earth

“i mean, mr. stark, y/n’s one of the most capable people i know. she’s probably trying to fix this whole mess as we speak”

“i didn’t get to tell her i love her”

“oh...”

having a lovely meeting with thaddeus ross with rhodey, having a lovely time watching them passive-aggresively argue until your former teammates arrived

having to patiently (and professionally) wait for ross to hang up before running into them for a hug

“holy shit, you guys have no idea how bad i’ve wanted to see you. it sucks not being all together anymore”

“i know, y/n. we’ve all missed you.” -cap

“a lot” -nat added

bruce’s little entrance that was sure to bring some awkwardness

you, secretly freaking out about your dad

sam was the one that found you crying after you “stepped out” for a few minutes too long

“oh, y/n,” he was contemplating grabbing someone else to step in, but decided to sit next to you in the hallway, “i’m sorry, kiddo. i can’t promise you anything, but your dad is a fighter. a big pain in the ass. i think your odds are good”

laughing through your tears

“yeah, you’re right. thanks, sammy”

he gave you a little hug while you calmed down

getting to business, the ass-kicking kind

as the wise natasha romanoff once said to your father, you were being “uncharacteristically non-hyper verbal”

your mind did this funny thing...wandered into places it really should not go

the talk about sacrificing vision led to wakanda, where you had a swell time patrolling

“guys! we’ve got incoming. a lot of incoming”

well-deserved uncle/niece team up. who wouldve thought?

you would have nightmares about these aliens for years to come

“you get to die, and you get to die! everybody gets to die!”

“y/n, what did we talk about?” -rhodey

“using humor as a defense mechanism makes the team uncomfortable...”

covering the girls 😌 because we gotta have those all-girl teamups, uh-huh?

some more blasting

thor made his comeback and you just could not miss it

“hi, thor!”

you landed next to him and your helmet receded

“well, hello, miss y/n! good to see you again! my, you got taller...oh! meet my friends: rabbit and tree”

having a “what the actual fuck” moment upon seeing thanos for the first time

and flying at him from behind with a massive nanotech blade ready to kill this purple bastard

but he grabbed your arm and flung you into the dirt, that was gonna leave a mark

“i just had to make a suit when i was ten...no one stopped me, huh? i couldn’t be elon’s kid, he was a nice guy”

watching thanos snap his fingers and looking around to see dust floating through the air and thanos retreat

“rhodey? uncle rhodey?!”

“i’m right here, kid, don’t worry”

he grabbed your hand while you were dusting

“tell my dad i love him, promise?”

fading away and leaving rhodey with your last words

he was mad before anything else

all he could think about was a promise your dad made him take years back

“rhodey, you keep my daughter safe no matter what, promise?”

the avengers recooperating at the compound, waiting to figure out whether any of the space-crew survived

they had to let pepper know that you didn’t make it, she was a mess upon hearing that news

tony finally making his way back to earth

and stumbling out of that ship

“where’s y/n? where is she?!”

“tony, tony, calm down”

“dont tell me to calm down! where is my daughter?!”

“she made me promise to tell you thay she loves you”

tony knew the answer by now, he lost his mind over your death

it didn’t feel right not having you by his side, for the past 18 years you’ve been with him

after a long period of recovery, tony and pepper moved on, got married, built a home, had a new daughter...

tony made sure there was a spare room for you

he put all the things you left behind in it

there were so many photos of you in the house

and he’d show your sister, morgan, all of them. he wanted morgan to know her sister

“that’s y/n when she built her first robot. it snuck up on me a few times. it went ‘boo!’”

morgan loved the stories about you, but she didn’t understand why she couldn’t see you

“when do i get to meet her?”

“uh...maybe someday, sweetie”

after being unbothered for almost 5 years, the remaining avengers came back with a plan that was so tempting, he just wanted his little girl back

cracking under pressure and telling pepper that he couldn’t ignore this mission because it was his chance to get you back

“get her back, tony”

“you think so?”

“i miss her, too.”

and so it began, he made it his mission to get you back

peeking at the wallet picture of you on his shoulders when you were so little

tony travelling to 2012; loki’s invasion

and there you were, the sassy genius 12 year old that he missed so much

“we’ve got this, tony, we’ll bring her home” -scott

and then things went badly and also 2012 tony went into cardiac arrest and 2012 y/n dove onto the floor to tend to him

“dad? give us some room, would you?!”

2023 tony smiling at how much he missed you worrying about him and how reckless he was

but also...the mission kinda went bad so that sucked

push it a bit farther back and now tony was with grandpa stark! asking how to be a dad and all that!

he could barely stand still waiting for you to come back to him, god he missed you more than he thought

and after a bit of hard work, it was time to snap

just like that, you were back in wakanda, puzzled by the gap in time before one of dr. strange’s portals opened in front of you

and then you were in the ruins of the avengers compound

“JOSHUA, can you locate my dad?”

“i think you’ll be able to see him”

“wow, i cant believe i programmed your cocky artificial ass”

“i think you can”

seeing your dad flying high and patching into the comms

“miss me, old man?”

and then he hit the gas to get to you and when this man hugged you, you almost couldn’t let go

“i’m so sorry, y/n. god, i’m sorry. these last five years...i was so lost without you”

“it’s okay, dad, i’m here now”

getting shot at during your reunion

“son of a bitch...we’re having a family moment here, asshole!”

yes, im gonna say it again. of course i am! and.........father/daugher team-up

the last one

“peter, is that you? you asshole! i cant believe you went to space without me!”

“missed you too!”

rhodey!! cant forget about uncle rhodey!!

“you gave my dad the message, right?”

“it was your dying wish, of course i did!”

“great. don’t forget i love you, too, rhodey!”

“couldn’t let me forget it”

lest we forget that pepper joined the fight?

plot twist: (step)mother/daughter team-up

mother/father/daugher team up!!!! ultimate stark machine!!!!!!!

and then you left him alone for 5 minutes and he’s got the infinity stones and you know it’s the last time you’re going to see him and you cant decide what your next move is and you’re just frozen and you cant catch your breath and he snaps and your heart plummets

you have to rush to his side, the last time you can sit beside his tired body and let him know that its going to be okay

“hey dad, it’s okay, we’re gonna be fine. thank you for everything”

peter grabbing your hand as you both sobbed next to your dad, feeling robbed of your time with him

pepper brought you home where she told you all about the five years you missed

both of you just cried harder than you’ve ever cried before

“so i have a sister?”

morgan was so happy to meet you, she couldn’t contain herself, practically latched onto you

and she didn’t fully understand what happened to tony

you saw your new room for the first time and didn’t leave it for a while, occasionally pepper or morgan would pop in

morgan actually crawled into bed with you a few times

the funeral was one of the worst days of your life

the remnants of your young life pulled back together for one day

then you hid back in your room before you heard a knock

“who is it?”

“it’s happy”

“come in”

“hey, kiddo. me and morgan are gonna get some cheeseburgers, you wanna come?”

she really was a stark

after a long hibernation, you started to get back into the groove of your old life

but the press was brutal and harsh, you were bombarded with questions regarding your dad

it took everything not to explode on camera

you stayed in contact with the rest of the avengers, mourning your dead, keeping the support system, staying a family

it was all you could get...for now

[tillman]

Can you tell me more about gawain and lancelot in the arthurian myths? I really ship then in FGO and I heard that they are bestfriends

ok this is straight up going to be an essay without the revisions so just a stream of consciousness on my thoughts of how their relationship is handled in both fate and then the legends themselves since fate pulls a lot yet changes some key aspects that really makes their relationship what it is. it kinda goes from a one sided pinning for an idiot who doesnt comprehend love to a more. theyre just bros. which kinda makes me upset anyways. under the cut. im so sorry for hwo long this is gonna be i have a lot to say about gawain and lancelot. 

ok honestly i think fgo handles their relationship pretty well from what ive seen. they genuinely are just bros too stupid to realize the other is flirting with them in their own ways which is fucking hilarious. i think the only thing that bugs me about how fate actually likes. has them interact is they remove like. the greatest bit of their friendship and i think make it just about the war between them at the end. i cant say for certain but from what i can figure out i think they reduce gawain and lancelots conflict at the end of the main story to just completely them fighting and gawain dying via lancelots wound? but i dont know for certain dont quote me on this. this both a) removes all the REAL tragedy of this situation of both of them just being really fucked up over grief and regrets stirred by arthur in the first place and b) completely ignores one of the best bit of gawain characterization in le morte, gawain forgiving his literal best friend on his death bed and pleading for his return, to come back and mourn for him, to try to save whats left of the world they both helped build and protect. in an adaptation of le morte (which fate lore mostly is) i think gawains final letter is NEEDED to complete his arc and his like. entire character since malory (and then thus fate) spends more time focused on lancelot. 

like just pulling from their dialog w each other in the My Room things, gawain talks about his regret and immaturity over... not forgiving lancelot? what . and lancelot just offers to play chess which is extremely funny. (on another note hwy does fate gawain hate bors. i ltierally can not figure this out at all why is he so mean to his best friends cousin theyre bros.... theyre bros!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

anyways now onto the legends because this isnt about fate. fuck fate i hate fate all of my homies hate fate. im gonna focus MOSTLY on le morte since that connects to fates version more and pull some quotes from other legends i have memorized but there is absolutely more, and the vulgate delves into it a bit more but i havent ... gotten that far im so sorry the prose merlin is kicking my ass. 

the thing to note is gawain (excluding guenevere) was kinda the first person to show lancelot respect when he came to court. gawain kinda took him under his wing for a bit, and they end up VERY close. they have a relationship built off of respect and understanding for each other and it ends up being one of lancelots only Real friendships throughout most legends since he has issues w communication and understanding intention that i could (and will) rant about for hours so i wont delve too into it rn. but like. theyre arthurs best knights basically. troyes will say otherwise and say eric and yvaine are better than lancelot but troyes is fucking stupid and a whore, and most sources will tell you its gawain and lancelot (most sources favor lancelot over gawain due to the french influence on some later literature, and le morte is on the lancelot side due to being pulled a lot from the post vulgate, which pulls from the vulgate, aslo called the lancelot-graal cycle. its a whole thing)

but basically for a lot of the main legends you have two Absolute Best Bros who would literally do anything for the other, one being extremely horny and the other being so hopelessly inept when it comes to communication he doesnt understand how love works. theyre a wonderful pair :-) im kidding theyre so fukcing stupid watching them interact is like watching a car crash. its fucking disastrous and you want to yell at them to just beat the shit out of each other homoerotically and understand their feelings (which they do! wow! shout out to le morte!) anyways to keep this from getting too long lets go over some fun gawain quotes about his Best Friend. Who he thinks about a lot. but like... in a no homo way. he swears.

anwyays uhhhhh to keep this short heres a fun compilation of gawain being gawain. and a pretty good overview of how how gawain talks about his Best Friend in a totally not gay way. its straight if he says no homo. 

in gawains death note, which i think is the peak of gawains character in le morte 

“Sir Launcelot; for of a more nobler man might I not be slain. Also Sir Launcelot, for all the love that ever was betwixt us, make no tarrying...”“And I require thee, most famous knight of the world, that thou wilt see my tomb.“

and then. for equality since i skimmed all of knight of the cart for this, have some good lancelot lines. for context some idiot locked him in a tower for a year and lancelot just does this the entire time

anyways: tldr lancelot and gawain are in love even if both of them are too stupid to realize it. thats basically their entire relationship. everything goes to shit after lancelot accidently kills gareth and gaheris because lancelot too thinks of them as his brothers and is so torn up about it he lets everything happen. gawain starts a war with him because he would rather die than face the music. like its insane.... they should kiss. fate kinda gets this ok, but i think they should have had them just more homoerotic at every given moment because they Are. thanks for listening to my ted talk. im sorry im like this. 

find u a bro to have a homoerotic duel with and live your best life babey

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[littlebitoffanfic]

Perfect Moment

Fandom: Friday the Thirteen Characters: Jason, Pamela Relationship: Jason/reader Request: heya! It's the Jason!Anon from earlier~ Super excited you're open to doing this though. So like I said, i really loved your jason imagine and was wondering if you'd maybe wanna put that 'into fic form' basically? Like the reader was friends with Jason growing up and didn't care about the deformity but then he died and her parents took her away until one day (bonus points if on the anniversary of his death or his birthday) she comes back and they reunite and fluff? If not lemme know AN: I kept it a little closer to my headcannon just by having his mother a little more involved. I hope that’s alright 😊 Original headcannons: http://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/176634985554/dating-jason-would-include “Stop it, STOP IT!” You screamed, thrashing against the kids holding you back. “HE CANT SWIM!” But the others continued to chase him along the floating rafts. You watched in horror as he stumbled a little then tripped. He looked to you, searching for some kind of help. Turning your head, you looked for the adults. They were meant to be here, they were meant to be watching. “Please! Leave him alone!” You scream out, tears streaming down your cheeks as you struggled against the two pairs of hands that held you in place. They were 2 boys who were three years older than you, so they easily held you back while their little friends chased Jason. Then it happened. Jason nearly got back to his feet when he slipped and fell head first into the water. Your heart stopped as you froze. He couldn’t swim. The boys froze as well, knowing that he couldn’t swim. They hadn’t intended to chase him INTO the water, just to spook him. You heard one of the boys behind you turn and try to call for a councillor but they didn’t respond. You managed to slip out of their grasp only to have a larger hand grab your arm. You turned to see one of the adults with his shirt partly open and lipstick on his neck. Another ran past and dove into the water but they immerged without him. “Let me go! I can find him. He doesn’t trust you.” You fought just as hard against the grown up, but with little success. You knew Jason wouldn’t go near the grownups because they dismissed him and treated him poorly, but maybe if you could get to him. “Sorry, no ones allowed in the water.” The man shook his head. Something in you broke and you twisted around and bit down on his bare forearm, hard. he screamed out, letting go of you and you took your chance and ran to the water. Only for another grown up to grab you by the waist, lifting you up and carrying you back to the cabins. You trashed and screamed, crying out his name. -------------time skip ------------------ You woke up in a cold sweat as your own screams echoed through your head. Sitting up, you gasped for air as you looked around you. It was still dark in the small motel room. The clock showed 4am although it flickered on and off a few times. you felt your tears running down your cheeks and you were quick to brush them away as you got out of bed, heading to the bathroom. You knew there was no point in trying to go back to sleep. Your nightmare would just replay that day on a loop anyway. Even after so many years, you still remembered it like it was yesterday. Sometimes you would still be a child, and sometimes you would be an adult. But the outcome was all the same. After Jasons death, you took a turn for the worse. But who could blame you. Seeing your best friend murdered then neither the kids nor the councillors facing any repercussions for their actions (or lack of), made you bitter and resentful for any adults that weren’t your parents or Mrs Voorhees. She had been one of the first to comfort you, wrapping you in her arms as the two of you sobbed. That day, you lost a friend and she lost a son. She understood why your parents were concerned and helped when it came time for them to take you away from that place. She would stay, but she hated the sight of you staring out at the spot, hoping he might return. You later found out that she had given your parents a massive lump some of money to put you through school and college. She had been saving it for Jason, but now wanted you to have it. So you went to the best school and graduated with top marks. For a few years, you studied a few different coursed but nothing ever stuck. You were smart, and had a wide range of talents but you never really connected with anyone again. So you travelled a little by yourself, earning money through your art. But then your mom and dad were involved in a crash. One which saw you left as an orphan and you didn’t know where to go. parentless and friendless, one place suddenly popped into your mind. Camp Crystal Lake. You stayed for as long as you were needed, giving your loving parents a nice send off and seeing their estate was handled correctly. They both had life insurance and a chunk of savings which was all left to you. This plus the sale of their home and a few other assists meant you were set for life. 5 months after their death, you packed up your car. Some items you put into a long term storage but the sentimental items like their wedding rings and a locket came with you. a weeks dive had lead to you spending the last night on the road at this motel. It was okay, a little dingy but just enough to get a decent nights sleep and a breakfast. You glanced at your wrist, the purple and blue friendship bracelet was tattered and seen better days, but it was made for you by Jason, so everywhere you went, it went. You had made one for him, the same colours to represent you both. You ran your brush through your hair while you contemplated spending another night here. You had already missed a full days travel because you decided to stay again last night so you knew you had to move on. Besides, if you left at 6, you would be at crystal lake by 4pm. After packing up your things and going down for breakfast, you handed back your keys and paid your bill. Heading out to your car, you couldn’t help but feel a slow building dread. Maybe it was the fact the day was dreary and grey. You arrived at the entry gate at 5.30pm, a little later than you would have liked but the roads were dangerous, so you took it slow. You felt a shiver run through your spin as you pulled up outside a cabin. Even though it was still daytime, the rain and black clouds made it look later than it was as you got out the car, pulling your hood up. Looking down at your bracelet, you felt a small rush of hope. You didn’t even know if she was still here. You could see someone moving about in the cabin she and Jason had called home. It took 10 minutes for you to gather the courage to walk to the cabin. walking up the three steps to the porch, you pulled down your hood once out of the rain and knocked three times, your hands shaking violently. There was a pause from inside, then you heard footsteps coming to the door. It opened and you nearly dropped to your knees as Mrs Voorhees stood in front of you, aged but still fully recognisable. And apparently, you were the same. “[y/n]?” She breathed, her hand dropping from the door as she stared at you. She reached out a trembling hand, pushing a strand of your wet hair back out your face so she could see your eyes properly. When she did, her face broke into a smile as her eyes pooled with tears. She pulled you into her arms, hugging you as she swayed. You cuddled into her, your own tears making you sob onto her shoulder. She felt your shaking body and you both ended up kneeling on her porch in each others arms. She pulled you into her home and set you down on the couch before rushing to make you tea. “Is it just you? Will your parents be coming back?” She asked when she returned, placing the cup in front of you on the small coffee table in the centre. You dropped her gaze, looking away. “They, um, they passed away.” You cleared your throat, fresh tears coming into your eyes. “Oh, im so sorry.” She sat next to you, wrapping one arm around you while placing one hand on your lap comfortingly. You told her about the crash, and about how you had decided to come back here. She said you could stay with her as long as you liked, and that she had seen a cabin not too far from here up for sale, if you were wanting to stay. ---------------time skip ----------------- “Mrs Voorhees? I bought some fresh bread.” You call as you enter her cabin, your handmade bread in a little tin to protect it. “Oh lovely.” She smiled as she walked out from the kitchen. “Smells delicious.” “Thank you.” You giggle as she takes it from you and heads back to the kitchen. After staying with her for 2 weeks, you had put in an offer for the cabin about a quarter of a mile from hers. It was accepted and you had been living there for 4 months now. But something strange had been happening. “May I ask you something?” You ask, following her to the kitchen. She hums a yes. “Have you noticed someone in the woods?” Pamela freezes, not daring to look at you as she glances out the window. “N-no, my dear. Why?” She stutters a little as you slid into a seat at her breakfast bar. “Well, ive just felt like someone’s watching me. Im sure ive seen someone moving about outside my house at night. Its just.. strange.” You shake your head, unable to describe it. “How so?” she asks, sitting down across from you with a raised eye brow. “Its not… I don’t think their… dangerous. It feels more like having a protector than a stalker.” You scorn yourself, unable to put it into a way that didn’t sound ridiculous. “Maybe you do. Maybe someone’s looking out for you.” She smiles kindly and it gives you some level of peace to your mind. “Oh, while Im here.” You suddenly remember. “One of the councillors is asking around about… him.” there was a moment of quiet that rushed over you both. “We’ll finish it all soon. Only a few more days I think.” She looks at you for your reaction to which you nod. After years of resentment that built up, she had offered you the only thing to stifle that need. She first told you about her plans after you ran in on her killing a couple who had been having sex. You had kept the girl while she killed the guy then the girl. You had joined her (after she had offered you an escape if you promised not to tell). So you helped to kill the young councillors. You vowed you wouldn’t let them open this camp again. It would disrespect Jason’s memory. Leaning back, you smiled as you looked up at the walls, which had a number of pictures hung up. Of the 8 photos, 2 were of her parents and their wedding, and the other 6 were Jason. You were in 3. “You two were always attached at the hip.” She smiled fondly, following your gaze to her son. “Your parents often joked with me that we’d be arranging a wedding about now.” “You might have been.” You smiled sadly. ----------------flash back----------------- “please take it off?” You begged, your pigtails bouncing as you jumped excitedly. Only a week before the tragic incident, you could have never guessed how drastically your life was about to change. Jason, with a small huff, pulled off the bag he wore over his head. His face, which was severally disformed, made him hid away from people. The only people he didn’t push away was you, his mama and your mom and dad. “I heard your mama saying we have to get married.” You giggled, pointing between you both. It was true. She had been joking about it over coffee with your mom. Jason glanced to the floor, a small blush dawning his normally pale cheeks as he glanced back to you. He adored you, anyone could see that. Even if it was a puppy crush, that didn’t stop every adult thinking you two were destined for each other. “If we did, we could live together and stay up late and drink all the fizzy drinks we can! It would be so much fun.” You giggle, skipping across to your room to the shelf. Jason ran up behind you, nodding excitedly as you pulled some books off the shelf and fell to the ground. Jason joined you as you opened the books up and spread them out. All on pages where the main characters were getting married. “I want to wear a dress like her.” You point to one of your favourite characters, having always wanted to wear a dress like in a the fairy tales. But Jason’s eyes were on another book. In that illustration, the two main characters were leaning forward and kissing while guests threw white confetti over their heads in celebration. He reached out and tapped the page, looking back to you in fear as he pointed to himself. Years of friendship had created a silent communication between the two of you that baffled the adults. “yeah, we’d have to kiss. My mom and dad do it all the time.” You nod but that didn’t seem to answer his question. He pointed to himself again and looked down, running his hand up the side of his misshaped face. “Of course I do.” You reach out, taking his hand off his face and answer his silent ‘would you kiss me?’ question. Jason jumped at your response, beaming at you as he grabbed both your hands. “You wanna practice?” the two of you leaded forward, meeting each others lips. A totally innocent kiss, one that adult would chuckle at and call cute. One which made an adult you smile back on fondly. When you pulled back, you were giggling but that didn’t cover the blush on your cheeks. Just then, your mom called you both for dinner. You dragged Jason to his feet, promising that when you got married, you could eat whatever you wanted for dinner. ---------------present -------------------- When you were walking back to your cabin, you felt the gaze of someone. You knew they were there, you knew it in your gut that someone was close by, but when you around you saw nothing. As your house came into view, you saw there was something on your porch. Frowning, you walked a little fast until you could clearly make out what they were. Daffodils. One of you favourite flowers when you were a child. Jason would pick some from his mothers garden when you were upset or if it was your birthday. Walking closer, you saw about 10 had been left on your porch. You picked them up before sliding to sit on the step. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you smiled at the flowers and looked up to the forest that surrounded the cabin. Taking one, you left it propped against your step before you went inside to place them in water. When you glanced back out about an hour later, the single daffodil was gone. --------------------time skip ------------ You gasped for air as you stumbled through the woods. It was dark and raining heavily. this couldn’t be happening again. The blood that covered your hands was mixed with wet dirt from where you had fallen a couple of times. Pamela Voorhees was dead. You gasped for air. Not another one. Not someone else you loved. You had just been in time to see that bitch councillor swing an axe and take her head off her shoulder. You screamed out in anguish as you watched the last person you had allowed yourself to love be killed. Killed. A rage took over you as you ran at the girl, taking her to the ground and punching her in the face. When she tried to swing the axe at you, you grabbed it and ripped in from her hands, straddling her torso and bringing the blade down into her skull one, two, three, four times. You began to lose count. Finally, you pulled yourself up and stumbled back from the murders, eventually running into the woods. sobbing, you ended up catching your shoulder on a tree and you fell to the ground in a wreck. Everything around you was collapsing again, and there was nothing you could do about it. You screamed in vain as you tried to relieve the pressure that rested heavily on your chest. Pushing yourself to your feet, you took a deep breath, trying to get it straight in your mind what you would do next. but you just broke into sobs that wrecked through your whole body. Until, you heard something move in front of you. Your head snaps up and you freeze. about seven foot away from you stood a man. He was tall, reaching at least six feet and maybe 6 inches tall compared to your smaller height. He towered over you and yet, he seemed scared of you. He wore a sack over his face, the moon showing a single eye hole for him to see out of. It looked like the type of thing Jason would wear. Jason. It couldn’t be. He couldn’t be alive. looking away, your eyes closed as tears flooded your eyes again. “You cant be him.” You breathed, more to yourself than to the man. You heard him coming closer and you opened your eyes again to see him holding out something to you. You looked into his large palm and saw two things that made your heart jump into your throat. In his palm was the head of a daffodil, like the one you left out a few days ago. And around it was a purple and blue faded friendship bracelet. You raise your right hand, the very same one on your wrist. The one he had given to you, which meant that was the one that you had given to Jason. While your wrists hadn’t got that much bigger, he had grown massively, so the thought of him carrying around your friendship bracelet with him all this time. It could only be him. A smile dawned your lips as a fresh spark of hope went through your body. “J-Jason?” You looked up as you step closer. Your heart was hammering and your blood racing. You didn’t know how much more you could take tonight. A single nod was enough to send you over the edge as you collapse to the floor unconscious. -------------------time skip ----------------------------------- When you woke up, you had been carried back to your bed and tucked in. From the moment you woke up, you had felt that spark of hope once again. This was different. Even after your parents past, you knew Pamela might still be around. But you never thought for a moment that Jason might still be alive. The first few weeks, you didn’t really see him again but you understood. While he knew who you were, he didn’t know you. But that didn’t stop him staying close to you. The disappearances of the councillors was investigated and decided it had been one of the guys who was unstable. Said guy was at the bottom of the lake but the police think he is on the run. Even Pamela’s murder was made up to him rather than the girl and then you. You were given a miss because you had been in town during one of the murders and people had said it couldn’t have been you. Plus they doubted you could take a woman’s head off. Pamela was buried next to the empty grave of Jason’s. She was given a nice send off like you had done you own parents. You had seen Jason’s figure by her grave a few times but left him. But his presents became known more and more. When you walked through, he forest, he would follow you at a distance. It was nice and calming, knowing this great beast of a man was protecting you. It made you shiver at the thought. today, you had decided to try and lure him closer for the first time. It was his birthday today. You knew and remembered every year. But this year, you had bought him a few little things from town as well as painting him a portrait of his mother which had come out perfectly in your eyes. You planned to bring him back later but, for now, you wanted to wash up. It was a warm day and, for the first time since you were a child, you wanted to take a dip in the cool water of a lake. taking a towel, shampoo and conditioner and changing into a bathing suit and putting a summer dress over your suite you had picked up from town, you went to the lake which was about a ten minute walk from your home. Placing your things near the water, you pulled your dress over your head and slipped off your sandals. Walking slowly into the water, you smiled at the feeling of the fresh water on your skin. You walked out till the water came up to your chest and ducked under the water. When wet, you went back to the shore and grabbed your shampoo and conditioner to wash your hair out. Once done, you thought about getting back out, but then you looked out over the sparkling lake and you wanted to swim for a while. Going back out to your waist, you slowly started to swim. You kept close to the bank, having not swum in years but you found it was like riding a bike. Your body still knew what to do. You ducked your head under the water to wet your hair again. Coming up, your hair fanned out around you in the water and you felt nice and cool in the hot sun. twisting in the water, you floated on your back with closed eyes. Then you felt something was off. Opening your eyes, you glanced to the bank and saw Jason. he was pacing the bank desperately. He tried to come into the water but only got the water to his ankles and he moved back. You could see how tense he was and how desperate he was looking at you. He was scared. Twisting back to your front, you started to swim back to him. “jason, its fine. Im fine.” You call out to him but that didn’t calm him. When you were able to reach the bottom, you stood up and started to walk out of the water. You thought of running, but then you imagined yourself falling over and him freaking out even more. When you were up to your knees, you saw Jason charge into the water. You reached out for him, thinking he would just take your hand and lead you out. But he didn’t. He wrapped his arms around you and swept you up into his arms. You couldn’t help but laugh at the feeling as he pulled you out the water. But you could feel how hard his heart was hammering in his chest. He was really worrying. He was panting and his whole body seemed to tremble as he looked up at you. Once on the bank, he set you down and looked you over for any sign of injury. “Im fine.” You smile, reaching out and taking his hand, as you often did when you were children. He froze, looking down at your smaller hand in his own. You notice his green jacket was now partially wet from picking you up. You suddenly felt a little exploded in your swimwear. Ducking down, you picked up your towel and wrapped in round your torso, smiling at Jason as you did so. The you grabbed your dress and, after quickly drying yourself off, you pulled it over your swimming costume. Sure, it stuck a little because you were still a little wet, but you thought it was better to show him you were okay. you glanced down and realised that during his pacing, he had knocked one of your sandals forward into the water. “Damn.” You whispered, darting down and picking up your now soaked slipper. But before you could consider what you were going to do, you were swept up into his strong arms once again. He didn’t both picking up your shampoo, conditioner or soggy slipper, but you didn’t mind as he started to carry you back into the woods. He lifted you so you were perched on his shoulder, his arm wrapped security around your legs. You smiled at the action, feeling like you weighed next to nothing. You placed your hand on the other side of his bagged head to steady yourself. You could feel his malformed skull under the bag as he tensed under your touch, glancing up to you. But you just smiled, looking in front of you both as Jason turned back to watch where he was walking. When you reached your home, Jason slid you off his shoulders. You had left the door unlocked but as you padded up onto your porch, Jason stayed back. You opened your front door and were about to go inside until you realised he wasn’t following you. He had stopped at the stairs, looking down at them as if he was scared to step up. Turing back, you leaned against your door. “Jason?” You called to him. “Do you want to come inside?” Jason paused, staring at you like you were some kind of angel before nodding and slowly climbing the stairs. Once he was close enough, you reached out and took his hand, dragging him inside like you use to do when you were children. Once inside, you turned to him, your eyes falling on the mask which felt a little like a brick wall now between the both of you. “Could, could you take it off?” you asked, your eyes darting to the bottom of the bag over his face. You saw his whole body tense and he took a step back from you, his eye moving to the floor. Hunched over on him self, he shook his head. you considered leaving him, but something drove you to push him a little. “You know I never cared when we were younger. Why would I now?” You duck your head a little and he glances up at you. When he meets your gaze, you smiled softly. He took a few deep breaths and shakes his head again. You felt your heart break a little because he no longer trusted you. That bond was broken. Looking away from him, you blink back tears. You thought that when he finally came to you and spent time with you that it wouldn’t be a problem just like when you were children. Maybe he thought you were like the ones who had hurt him as a child. The thought made your heart ache because you loved him. You loved him. The realisation dawned on you as you realised why you were so drawn to him. That child like love you had felt had exposed since you had seen him that night in the rain. You thought your heart raced when you saw him because you were excited to see your oldest friend, but that wasn’t the only reason. You loved him deeply, whole heartedly and eternally. You hadn’t realised it but your tears were running down your cheek. Jason moved forward, taking a hesitant step towards you. He didn’t realise your tears were something more than just you bring upset. They were part of a complex hurricane of emotions. But he didn’t see that. He thought it was purely because he had refused your request. you looked up, your eyes wide with tears as he reached up and started to draw the bag up slowly. “Don’t.” you blurt out, holding out your hands to stop him. “Don’t do it if you aren’t ready. You can wait until you trust me.” He looked out of the one eye hole and you felt like he was looking into your sole. The intensity coming from him was overpowering before he continued to raise his shaking hands to his bag. Slowly, he pulled the bag up over his face and off his head. He refused to meet your gaze once his face was revealed, instead his gaze fell to the floor like he was ashamed or embarrassed. But you couldn’t pry your eyes away from his face. His face had matured immensely since you had last seen him. His skull was bald and misshapen but he barley had any hair when you had known him. His right eye was sunken a little and not in line with his left and his nose was a little flatter than normal. His cheeks had small indents and dips. His mouth seemed to droop at the side but you couldn’t tell if it was him controlling that. But to you, he was ever so handsome. He wasn’t the boy you remembered. His new height, strength and muscles compared with his matured features was enough to drive you mad. Then you realised he was waiting for you to do something. He had glanced up to you but when he met your gaze, he dropped it again, a soft whine leaving his lips. It broke you. Walking up to him, you reached up and cupped his cheeks. He moved his face up so his eyes met yours. Moving closer, you press your lips to his in a soft kiss. One of your hands ran down his cheek to rest on his broad chest which you could feel his heart hammering under his shirt. After a moment, a shiver ran through his body and his hands grabbed your waist as he slowly responded to your kiss, moving his lips against yours. You could feel how he trembled under your touch but responded so eagerly to your affection. You pulled back to gasp for air before feeling him lean forward to retrieve another kiss as if it was his new source of air. Your hand slips to the back of his head, running down to his neck, keeping him close. Your body was pressed against his own, his height dwarfing you but you felt like you were both equality as dominating in the kiss. You were glad because you were scared it might intimidate him but he seemed just as eager as you were. When you parted, you were both panting. Your cheeks were a dark red from a deep blush as you looked up at Jason. He was breathing heavily staring down at you in surprise. Then he collapsed to his knees in front of you, his hands grabbing your waist as he presses his forehead against your stomach. It took you a moment to fully realise what had happened just because your head was still spinning from the kiss. He was on his knees after he had received his first kiss from you. Looking down, you might have thought he was frightened but then he looked up at you. In his eyes, you saw he adored you and was staring up at you with awe. There was tears in his eyes but his lips were pulled into a smile. You dropped down in front of him, sitting across his lap as his arms engulfed you once again. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, burying your face in his neck and holding him close as he mirrored your affections. You pressed soft kissed to his neck whenever you could. Suddenly, you remembered the small items you had gathered for him. “Oh, I almost forgot.” You scrambled out of his lap and darted to the side, grabbing the wrapped items. When you came back to him, you kneeled in front of him, presenting them to Jason. “Happy birthday.” You smiled, seeing something that reminded you of surprise in his eyes. His hands, still shaking from before, took the presents. Slowly and without even ripping the paper, he opened each in turn. With each one, his smile grew wider until he got to the portrait of his mother. His smile faltered and fell as tears welled in his eyes. you moved closer to him, wrapping you arms around him. you allowed him to take as much time as he needed before he turned to you. His arms locked around you as he silently thanked you again and again. Her portrait was hung up on your wall, right beside your own parents wedding photos. After she were hung up, you pulled Jason to your sofa, sitting with him on your sofa. That night, he stayed the whole time with you, answering your questions as best he could and asking his own through a note pad. You fell asleep on his shoulder and he didn’t move you, instead wrapping his own arms around you and lying with you till morning. --------------------time skip --------------------- Since that first kiss, Jason never left your side. the only reason he left you was if someone came too close to the camp and he would rush off to protect you. Sometimes you would follow him to try help. He would be annoyed with you for putting yourself in trouble but then you showed you could handle yourself and he would relax a little more. “Can you come on a walk with me?” You ask, as you meet Jason on the porch of your home. He ha just come back and was slightly bloody, but you didn’t mind that. you could see the smile even though he now wore a old hockey mask. You much preferred this to the bag. Jumping down the stairs, you took Jason by the hand and led him into the woods. It was late afternoon and the sun was starting to set in over the lake. You had been waiting for him to get back for a few hours. Of course, Jason would do absolutely anything for you, regardless of what it was. As you walked, you looked down at your intertwined hands, your heart skipping as you saw how truly bigger he was than you. How his hands could rip people in half, had killed people, and yet he was so gentle with you. His touches were sometimes filled with fear, like he was afraid he would break you. Looking up at Jason, he glanced over and caught your eyes. You smiled sweetly at him, being truly happy for the first time in a long long time. Jason ducked down, lifting you up and placing you daintily on his shoulders, as he had done so many times before. You giggled, allowing your fingers to trail over the back of his neck and sides of his head. leaning down, you press a soft kiss to the top of his head. Jason froze, but not from your affection. No, he heard someone moving in front of you both. He lowered you to the ground, cautiously before pulling out his machete which he carried on his belt. “I’ll head down to the lake. Come find me when your ready.” You smile, reaching out to run your fingers over his forearm before walking away. Less than 10 minutes and a scream later, Jason found you by the river. You had taken off your shoes and socks to dip your feet in the cooling water. When you heard him approaching, you turned to see him over your shoulder and you couldn’t help but smile. Jason froze. The image of you, beautiful and perfect, with the crystal blue water and setting sun in the background made his heart stop. He never dared to join you in the water, but he was no longer completely fearful you might be swallowed by the water. you moved out of the water to him, taking his hand in yours and pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. in that moment, everything was perfect in both your eyes and his.

[legojacques]

Kent starts taking a photography class at a community college and ends up meeting a really cute guy there. The cute guy doesn’t know that Kent is a famous hockey player, and over time, starts to think that Kent is part of the mob...

(This was an idea on the Parse Discord that got really long. I want to come back to clean it up and redo it as an actual fic (or ficlet) at some point, but for now, enjoy the ideas that came out of the chat.) (@overheardattheaces)

Under a cut because it’s hella long

Lego: "I started taking a photography class at the community college so I could take really nice pictures of Kit." "Okay...." "But then I met this guy there and he doesn't know who I am and now I'm in too deep." "Why?" "He knows I like hockey. He wants to take me on a date... to a hockey game." "Oh shit." "He know nothing about hockey." "That's really cute." "I know." "You're really screwed, Parse." "I know that too."

Linnea: kent's saved by the fact it's the unlv team and he doesn't have a game that night. they sit towards the back and kent keeps his hat pulled down low

abigail: but what if this guy tries to take kent to an aces game

Tony: i have no idea whats happening but i want the shenanigans that come from "i cant go" "oh, why?" "uh. i have. a thing that night"

Lego: Kent: i work a lot Cute Guy: that's a lot of really weird hours and travelling. (OH SHIT HE'S A HIT MAN)

Tony: knlkdfsnkgjsI WANT THOSE MISUNDERSTANDINGS MORE Cute guy: Oh don't worry I understand. (FUCK I DIDNT THINK HITMEN WERE THIS CUTE)

Lego: Cute guy: I'M LITERALLY DATING AN ASSASSIN BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THE DICK IS TOO GOOD

Linnea: kent's in vegas. he has lots of money. this kid seriously thinks he's stumbled into dating someone in a mafia ring. 

Lego: Cute guy: wow how'd you afford this house? kent: oh you know, investments and stuff cute guy: DEFINITELY MOB MONEY

Linnea: cute guy: bites fist investments???????????????????

taggianto: Look it's Vegas. Either he's with the mob or he's a hooker. 

Linnea: his friends are like: you're the one who got yourself into this. if you end up buried in the mojave that's your fault.

abigail: im living for this 

taggianto: Maybe he's a hooker FOR the mafia

Lego: oh shit. he's the femme fatale. seduce em and then kill em

Linnea: femme fatale kent omg this kid has a new story for his friends every week

Tony: i mean depending on what Kent's into if the cute guy finds something in Kent's closet--

Linnea: and they've seen, like, his fancy car and his shiny watch and the way he always wears sunglasses and hats low so he won't be recognized and he's clearly built..... friend1: you can NEVER break up with him. friend2: and pray he never wants to break up with you. friend3: it was nice knowing ya....

Tony: hfdlfgg why do none of them READ A PAPER 

Linnea: they're college kids?

allison (believesinponds): Vegas isn’t a hockey town. Lol

Lego: friend: if they find a body in the dump we'll know it was you

Tony: im crying

Linnea: cute guy: we went to this really vip club over the weekend and they just....waved him right in???? 

Lego: kent's got access to all sorts of exclusive and hot clubs in town

Linnea: friend: oh shit, he must be connected to the family that runs it 

Lego: friend: i heard that some mobsters do all their torturing in the back because the loud music covers up their screams friend: he took you there as a warning

Linnea: kent: so i was watching the news and they said these meteors are supposed to hit next week and be super visible if you can get away from city lights. wanna hit the desert? cute guy: that's it. he's done with me and i'm going to become scorpion food and my mom won't even get to bury me

Lego: lol. imagine the car ride out there. kent: (i'm being so romantic)

Tony: its so t e n s e on one side

Tony: but only ONE SIDE

Lego: cute guy: IM GOING TO DIE 

Linnea: kent just wants a romantic date with the perseids 

Tony: Kent keeps looking over and smiling

Linnea: they get to the spot and kent reaches behind the seats. cute guy flinches cuz this is it. he's gonna die. but it's a blanket kent: let's get out. get a better view. cute guy: he doesn't want blood in the car. of course.

Lego: cute guy: the blanket is for bundling up my body because it's easier to clean up

Linnea: cute guy: i've seen this csi before

Lego: cute guy: there's no signal on my cell phone

Tony: when you're already at stage 5 of grief, acceptance

Linnea: cute guy: if i at least get one more good lay, it'll be worth it, right?

Lego: cute guy: best dick ive ever had. at least i'll die happy cute guy: maybe cute guy: i hope he chooses something quick and painless

Tony: i mean sometimes, the only way to go, is during Relations™ 

Lego: so cute guy survives a tense night in the desert. he feels like he passed some kind of test but he's not sure

Linnea: but how does he learn the truth?

Lego: hmmmm....he doesn't.lol, just kidding

Linnea: and how hard does kent laugh when he finds out what cute guy thought? also looool when cg sees scraps

Lego: looooool. one day cute guy bumps into kent and scraps at a restaurant cute guy: okay we at least have it narrowed down to russian mafia

Linnea: scraps is canadian lol

taggianto: Mafia scraaaaaaps 

Linnea: lol it's post-game so they're in suits

Lego: Another time cute guy sees Kent with a bunch his teammates. They look like his bodyguards

Tony: I mean is Kent the smallest guy on the Aces You see all these guys in suits that are 6’0-6’5 surrounding this 5’10” dude and literally all you can do is be like what the fuck Anyone with any context is like “oh there’s the Aces” but if you know zero about hockey you’re just like “the mob is here”

Lego: Cute guy: on one hand, that's terrifying because they can break every bone in my body but on the other hand.... Kent looks so good

Linnea: friend: like, at least they won't break every bone in your body without his permission?

Lego: Cute guy: part of me is ready to be mob wife Cute guy: the other part of me is screaming run

Linnea: friend: ignore it. you can't run faster than the mob.

Lego: Cute guy: mob wives always look good though. Like I'm going to need to step up my fashion game. I always wear sweatpants.

Tony: I love that his concern now is his fashion game

Lego: He's seen Kent in his expensive suits. And even Kent's sweatpants are expensive.

gizelle from hell: Kent wears vetements nah jk he probably just has a lot of adidas and rebook gear

nerdflighter: somebody needs to continue this is absolute gold no wait I'll tell you how this guy finds out. this guy's name is,,,,,David. it's David. David eventually realises that Kent loves him for real and is not going to kill him in desert or something like that. and he loves Kent back so when David proposes, his proposal goes something like: "Kent Parson, I've loved you for almost 4 years now. you have an amazing dick, and you're the most handsome, generous, gentle, person I've ever met. even if you're in the mafia, I'd still like to marry you. would you make me the happ–” "you think I'm in the MOB?" [record scratch sound]

abigail: IT GOES ON UNTIL HE PROPOSES I'M DYING 

nerdflighter: ME TOO. they have a long sit down conversation about how DAVID THOUGHT KENT WAS IN THE MAFIA. FOR 4 YEARS. WHILE DATING HIM

abigail: oh also, when this guy and his friend's see kent after a rough game, with a swollen eye and cut lip, they are downright terrified, more so than they were before

nerdflighter: David's friend Eliza, drinking Starbucks: could've been worse. for a while there he thought you were a femme fatale

restfulinsomniac: They run into Tater at a bar and David is like “oh my god there’s a scary Russian guy glaring at us this is how it ends I’m just gonna get killed in the crossfire” 

nerdflighter: Kent, staring at Eliza: have I seen you before? Eliza is an intern in the PR department and the biggest troll ever

Lego: kent: hey so some the guys wanted to meet you . [nervous laughter] cute guy: oh my god they go to a low key restaurant where everyone is shifty and watching what they say because they've been warned by kent to not reveal his identity cute guy: definitely mafia

abigail: omg what if a fan approaches them when they're out like that

Lego: kent: [panics] [whispers to a teammate] can you take care of it? teammate: distracts the fan but what cute guy sees is the teammate leading the fan out of view somewhere to be "taken care of" at some point, cute guy overhears a conversation between kent and one of his friends kent: i need to tell him the truth. i feel bad lying to him. cute guy: [reveals himself] cute guy: it's okay, kent, i already know kent: omg you do????? how did you figure it out? cute guy: it was so obvious. the money. the hours. the bruising on your knuckles cute guy: i love you anyways kent: aw that's a relief kent now thinks cute guy knows he's a hockey player. cute guy continues on thinking kent is a mobster

nerdflighter: LMAOO. this is exactly why David was still under the impression that Kent is mobster by the time he proposes (does Kent think David has trust issues/an abusive ex bf because of the way he behaves around Kent's teammates?)

Lego: i mean.... if i had to meet a team of huge, hulking, famous hockey players, i'd act shifty af too. also, that's a lot of people to meet in one sitting

Lego: cute guy: so that scraps guy is hit man, right? kent: (aw he's so cute when tries to talk hockey. i think he means defenseman) kent: yes dear

Linnea: kent: he's an enforcer, yeah, but a total sweetheart behind the mask. 

Lego: kent: yeah he's a bit of a goon and he hits hard but he's always there when you need him

nerdflighter: scraps, a gentle boi, trying to make nice with David: so, I heard you're in college? David, screaming internally, heard from whom? your "friends"?: yeah, I study microbiology

Linnea: scraps: is that, like? the csi stuff? with blood? david: screaming internally, i promise i will not end up on the opposite side of the law from you no, it's bacteria, viruses, prions, cells. biology on a microscopic level. scraps: are you gonna be a doctor, then? if you do, i'm sure we can find you an opening. david: aaaaaaaaand now i'm going to be a mob wife and a mob doctor x.x

Lego: kent comes home one night with blood all over his clothes (from a bloody nose) cute guy: it's okay. i've been preparing myself for something like this. i know how to remove blood from clothes kent: oh wow that's handy

Linnea: cute guy: or is it better to burn them?

Tony: kent: Do not burn this its Versace i know exactly nothing about fashion ignore me

Lego: cute guy: i also know how clean car interiors too kent: i would never get blood in my car

Lego: cute guy to his friends: it's like he's a really hot james bond villian. he's even got the cat and everything

Lego: cute guy: did you ever have a different vision for yourself? like did you ever imagine you'd ever wind up as a, you know, for a living? kent: i mean, not really. it's what i've dreamed about my whole life cute guy: (WHO DREAMS ABOUT BEING IN THE MAFIA AS A KID???)

abigail: OMG. ON A SADDER NOTE. but what if kent tries to talk about jack to cute guy and he brings up the OD and cute guy is just like "yep his mafia friends couldn't handle this life" or "what if it was planned,,, is someone coming after kenny in that same way"

Lego: kent mentions "bad bob" a couple of times and cute guy thinks that he must be the godfather, mob boss guy. it's a very intimidating name

[fairyharps]

hello!! i just finished kh3 so below are my thoughts. obviously, spoiler warning if you havent finished the game.

first of all...... wow!!!!!!!!!! its real!!!!!!! i held the game in my own hands and played it!!!!!!!!! 12 year old me has been screaming non stop since the release im in a fog of emotion. every time i started up the game and heard that new kh3 rendition of dearly beloved with the ocean waves i just absolutely lost it

however, in the end, i feel mixed. i guess the hype over the years built up to an astronomical amount and while the game was incredibly fun and beautiful and i love seeing the story finally pan out into the finale, in a way it also felt very short? as of writing the first few paragraphs here i have just started san fransokyo, so i havent seen the actual finale, but these are my current thoughts and i will update this as i play. i still feel like there is so much more that is going to happen and ive barely even scratched the surface

theres a lot of new information that got me going WILD. piecing everything together & theorizing is always something i find fun about kingdom hearts since its so unpredictable. in fact i got so into it i had to start taking notes and making diagrams. i love a game that makes me bust out a notebook. (i do this for hm/sos/stardew and acnl as well lmao)

also every single time ienzo came on screen i went absolutely HOG WILD. when he laughed? the little laugh?? his smile?????? just thinking about it now is making me misty eyed fellas i love my boy

the implication that demyx, luxord (was his name always pronounced luke-sord??? i always said luck-sord wtf), and obviously marluxia and larxene's somebodies are from before the keyblade war is out of control!!!! vexen and demyx being double agents for ansem the wise?? ANSEM THE WISE'S REUNION WITH IENZO!!!!!!!!?????????? also zemyx is real sdfjsdlkfjsdlkfsdlkfjsdlkf jk

uHHHHHHH VENTUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BABY MY SONION!!!!!!!! AND AQUA!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!! im honestly losing my mind everything is coming together aaaaaaaaaaaa literally seeing ventus looking SO BEAUTIFUL is making me lose my mind AND UHH AQUA.... REALIZING SHES IN THE WORLD OF LIGHT...........DAMN U NOMURA FOR MAKING ME FEEL

S-SAIX................................. I LOVE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!

i felt very mixed about the paopu sharing scene. while i know this ship was always going to be endgame, i really hate how little development it actually gets throughout the Whole Series so instead it feels So forced. that scene is bone dry. the whole time i was wondering why they werent including riku since he was like.. 20 feet away.... like hes your best friend too guys.... i really am unable to understand this scene. like... nomura you KNOW how to write compelling relationships so what happened buddy. woody and buzz had more romantic tension than sora and kairi. also like when she leads him into the light or whatever.. whats the deal

i LOVE kairi but god. can you PLEASE let her do SOMETHING????? CAN I PLAY AS KAIRI??? im so tired of her being reduced to a damsel even when she has a weapon shes supposedly adept with now. she has had like.............. no development. im so sorry this happened to you kairi

im surprised there arent more worlds. i thought there would be the same or a greater number of disney worlds as kh2 but theres actually fewer?? and they feel much longer, or at least some of them do. worlds like the caribbean and toybox felt gigantic and took me forever while corona and monstropolis felt smaller. and some of the worlds you cant even fully explore until after you played through the story????

also im very intrigued about this new female character that keeps getting mentioned vaguely. i suspect there will be some intense retcons put in place abt her since she has NEVER been mentioned before dispite it seeming like shes very important. 

the final world place is very interesting conceptually but like how many times in this series am i going to have to collect soras lmao ALTHO i loved hearing from namine ;_; i miss u sweet girl

also uhh i could write for forever about sora as a character and how complex he is when you actually think abt it. i STILL see ppl saying riku is more interesting as a character but i feel like ppl only look at soras optimistic outlook. sora really keeps his feelings locked up way more than you think he would & not only that but hes so empathetic he ends up tackling everyone else's feelings too.. the idea that he is only powerful or useful because he has friends really hammers in how he says "my friends are my power" like.. every 5 seconds.. god  i love u but pls take a break for a Second. i just want him to go home and hug his mom

-

ok i just finished. like 5 mins ago. im still trying to like.. register what happened. the final act really packed a LOT together. i feel like theres too much to even mention right now. and theres still SO many questions. 

like i said before, i feel mixed. while there was a LOT to like about this game, there was also a lot that i did not like or was confused/put off by. i thought the first like, 2/3 of the game was too long and kind of boring sometimes? i couldnt handle in arendelle how they included the songs.. i get why they did it but it was NOT for me. the disney worlds kind of dragged on and, outside of the story connections to the finale, felt a little pointless. nothing happened other than the org popped in to egg on sora and then left. and the final act went by SO QUICKLY i didnt feel like there was enough time to register all the shit that was happening. also i fucking HATE how after everything, kairi was reduced to a damsel YET AGAIN. are you KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! everything she does is off-screen and her "death" acts as a motivation for sora which is the worst way to do things like what the fuck

i personally really liked the game, even if parts were not as i initially expected. there was a lot of hype surrounding this game, but i think for what it was, it was as enjoyable to play as any kh game, and it delivered a lot of emotions, answered a few questions, created more questions, and wrapped up the dark seeker saga pretty nicely while still leaving room for future stories to be told. and BOY do i have some questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

people who dont like how convoluted, dramatic, weird,  tropey  or heavily-retconned the plot is might think its bad. but ppl have thought kh in general is bad for those reasons for years anyway. honestly while these are all things that i can understand and empathize with, in the end for me its about how it makes me feel rather than like, how well it follows storytelling rules? and it sure made me feel a Lot. like im saying this as a long-time superfan so lmao

anyway i cried a lot for a very long time about the following: old man yaoi, ventus and roxas being in the same shot, how everyone looks rendered in beautiful next-gen hd, lea isa  and xions new outfits, namixi date, uhhh seasalt trio finally got to go to the beach together, namine being ALIVE, all the shit everyone said after i beat them in the labrynth, how often everyone cried in this game, sora uhhh not existing??? what happened????? is this what the next game is going to be about??? 

THANKS NOMURA FOR MY FUCKING LIFE????????

[lokbobpop]

Dirty

dirty, filthy, foul, nasty, squalid mean conspicuously unclean or impure. dirty emphasizes the presence of dirt more than an emotional reaction to it.

dirty (adj.) "of or imparting filth," early 15c. metathesis of dritty "feculent; muddy" (late 14c.), from dirt + -y (2). Sense of characterized by dirt, unclean" is from 16c. ... Sense of "not streamlined; rough, untidy, or imperfect" is by 1925.

Dirty dirt y dir ty di rty d irty

Writing the word dirty

I think im a dirty person i wish i wasnt but i am i hate cleaning and would do anything not to do i have all the good intentions of cleaning but i dont where as my mother cleans all day long if she needs to i just see it as effort and a waste of time when is only going to get dirty again which pisses me off i see there’s something to learn about myself within this where i give up on myself because i cant change it i will get a dirty mind of thoughts again whats the point yes i see i see it as all up hill.

Reading the word dirty

Mostly of the time i feel i dont need a shower until i wash my hair which is every 5 days of cause in the summer i have to but the rest of the year no and i dont think i need to wear deodorant if you dont smell why do it who needs the chemicals.

Dirty mind comes up ive struggled with this for what seems like forever for the last 18 a physical condition made it all the worse and my mind wouldnt stop it just kept on like it was on repeat and in such a bad way it kept jumping I couldn’t stop it until I collapse with it broken day after day and all because it was fear of something happening to my girls when driving i feared they would die because of my own fear in driving in china and i feared they couldn’t cope on the roads when it was myself not being able to cope on the rds not hem.

I just hate housework i dont clean up until i have to ive leave stuff about and this really upsets me about me why am i so lazy why would i rather sit on my ass when im at home why does my mind say omg thats to much of an effect to do i dont want to and i dont need to just let it go i see this is something i have to overcome within the mind hey i see this is a mental problem that has affected my physical because im sure my body would appreciate the movement its the mind keeping me from it what will i find if i f=didnt listen to it would i find my physical maybe yes could be.

When others are dirty im very judgmental of then like i think how could you live like this how could you your so dirty i have to say it worse than me im better than you for sure oh i feel better about myself now thats good someone worse than me.

Saying the word out loud

Im currently stopping the dirty thoughts my body said no more it jabbed me the other day when one came up to show me what im allowing within myself i got a shape job of no more i dont want these thoughts anymore i cant cope and i see realize what ive been doing not taking responsibility for them thinking oh there not that bad this wont have much affect but obviously they do lets say it happens 4 or 5 times a day it mounts up over time well im working on it to stop so far all good.

I remember once i was black with a suntan and i dont was my ankles property and the dead skin built up a bit there and some guy said that looks like dirt and im like no its not its just very dark skin but later i washed it and it come off and i was horrified how dirty it was i felt awful about it how didnt i see this gross.

Other people who are dirty and dirty minded if someone says something i feel is crude dirty it makes me feel sick i find the Americans can be very crude with there jokes i dont like how you can speck about the things they do in public its uncalled for i thing that much vulgarity

Sf

Does this definition support me self judgement of not being the cleanest person in the house gardens and physically thoughts of not being good enough wanting to be very clean wanting to be seen as a clean person fear someone will judge me as unclean. And the judgement of others and there cleanliness

Dirty Gerty dirt try

Dirty

Unclean filthy

To work through my mind of being unclean to unblock the belief im a person that doesnt clean and try. To connect with the physical

I will live this word with changing my reality of the belief i cant clean i should clean as it holding me back from my physical it could be a great time to connect with self

[mass-effect-a-companions-react]

Sass Master Ryder,Pathfinder of Burns

Romanced companions react to Ryder having no chill

~~~~~~~~~

Jaal- He and his darling one were at a Nexus party, although it is fairly obvious that neither of them wanted to be there.

Even so,Ryder kept up a smiling facede despite wanting to shoot a wall repeatedly. Jaal, however, could not physically contain his annoyance. Finally the two said "hello" and made there rounds enough to retreat off into a corner balconey drinking and complaining about other people to themselves.

Suddenly, an obnoxious laugh rang off from behind them, and Ryder groaned, recognizing it. It was their hometown terror, Celeste,the one person they despised more than anyone in the entire universe, or in this case universes. Not because She was specifically a bully to Ryder, but because she always made it a point to talk about herself and her achievements and how much better she is,was or will be compared to every body else.

When Ryder had heard Celeste had joined the Initiative, they had hoped and prayed they'd never have to be on the same planet as her, let alone city. But there she stood, in all her sneering glory.

"Well,Well Ryder." She smirked "Still getting drunk in the back of parties? I see your slobishness and tastelessnes have stayed in tact all the way out here."

Jaal felt himself getting angry, but before he could say anything, Ryder quipped out "Unlike your engagement."

Celeste spulttered out as Ryder continued.

"Word on the street says that he dropped you like a sack of bricks as soon as he got here. "First to be married in Andromeda" you always bragged. Well congratulations, you the first person I know to be dumped in Andrmeda."

Celeste turned red and stormed away, while Jaal just chuckled at Ryder's firey comeback.

"Well,played,my darling one." He cooed as he wrapped an arm around them. ".....although, I have yet to see these word's you speak of." He added quietly looking at the ground.

"Jaal..." Ryder began with a tired sigh, and he immediately caught on.

"Idiom?"

"Idiom."

Liam- Sara and Liam were attending a sort of fundraiser event to raise awarness and money for the cause of the Initiative restores and repairment. Every thing was going quite smooth, Ryder was smiling and talking out every cent that she could to do her job as pathfinder and better not only the lives of humans, but all the species in Andromeda.

Everything was going smoothly, and Ryder was doing her very best to make a good impression and hold her tounge. Untill she got to an old fashioned half human Asari Heiress, with enough cover up scandals on her to make a best selling series of novels.

Liam and Sara had walked up to the Heiress and her date, which also had the company of 3 other men. She stood their quietly, as the men talked.

When Sara and Liam walked right up to them,she paid no mind...until Sara started to speak.

"Hello," She said sticking out her hand "I'm Ryder, human Pathfinder." Before the men could say, the Heriess pushed down her hand with a gasp.

"Don't you know, your never supposed to open your mouth in the presence unless asked?"

And out of reflex, without missing a beat the sass came pouring out of Sara as she repied with "Oh! Like you do with your legs?"

The Heiress chocked on air to which Sara mutterd underneith her breath about an uneeded demonstration. The Heiress obviously heard and had to go exuse her self.

Liam was awfully quite during this, but thats because he was laughing so hard he couldn't breath.

He weezed out an ariy "Damn,Sara. You cant say that to an aristocrat." Before leaning over and clutching his stomach, audible laughs coming in short breaths.

Sara had to remind him to breath.

Gil- Gil is also a sass master, but nothing could prepare him for this level of savagery. This one is placed into the future after Jill had the baby, a boy by the name of Alec Ryder II, (This is my Headcanon, let me have it). They were having a family Outing, which actually just consisted of Gil visiting mechanics shops for new part, and Scott trailing behind him like a sad,lost puppy with Alec strapped to his chest because Gil has all the credits and he wants to get Icecream.

"Come on Gil!" Scoott whined "Ive waited over 600 years to have Icecream again. The shops right there."

"Just a little longer, Scott." Gil chuckled out. "Let me find this last part, then we'll go for icecream. Scouts honor, love." He pecked Scott on the lips before continuing to shop.

"You were never a Scout,Gil." Scott chuckled.

Suddenly a bystander made a noise of distaste at the husbands affections. "What a disgusting desplay." He sneered "Such a horrific sight should not be seen by a child."

"Your absolute right," Ryder gasped with mock offensiveness "Sir you. should leave, lest you make my son cry with that mug of yours."

The man let out an actual offensed gasp before storming out.

"I changed my mind!" Gil laughed out "Ice cream now. You earned it, big boy." He grabbed Ryder by the hand and lead him to the parlor, which happened to be in the same direction the man stompped off in.

"Hey!"Gil called out after him? "Would you like me to buy you an Icecream for that burn?"

Suvi- This is also in the future, at a PTA meeting.The school was built and expanded upon on Aya, and it has mixed classes that teach all the basic subjects while still educating the children about the other species. Sara and Suvi had adopted Agrarian twins, Ellen and Alec, which were hanging out with Uncle Scott. The children were gone and the claws came out. The girls just let it play out, not really getting involved.

...Until homophobia got thrown into the mix over the "Safety,Security, and purity of the children."

"It is not good for the children," a mother protested. "They are young and impressionable. What if my son see's this and grows up, only to run off with another man like a hoodlim."

People where angry now. Suvi was angry,the anagra were angry. Who was she to lable love? But before anyone else could say something, Sara responded in a calm tone.

"Grow up and run off with another,

Huh? That’s funny. Isn’t that what your ex-husband did,Linda?"

Cue a collective room off "Oooooooo's" as Linda left earily

"Tell Frank and Denis that as pathfinder, Id be glad to attend their wedding!"

Cora- She and Scott were at a Nexus Gala , and Scott was stalking the snack table and Cora spoke with guests and superiors, celebrating there success and making plans for future colonies. Scott couldnt really care less as the moment, and instead concentrated on stacking a tower full of what he hoped are brownies. Suddenly, Tesla, an officer Scott could not stand came up behind him and tsked

"Isn't that your forth plate of food?" She scoffed.

"Dont know," Ryder shrugged, sarcasm dripping from his tone "Isnt that your 3rd husband?" He jesters towards the man Cora was talking to, or atlesst trying to talk to as she choked on her champagne. Apparently they were in ear shot.

She slapped him on the arm for it, but still smiled.

PeeBee- Oh, she is so glad that POC recorded this.She and Ryder were grabbing a drink with POC in tow, when a rather high strung Asari obviously nearing the end of her Matron stage sat next to them and demanded a drink. They ignored her mostly, laughing and drinking among themselves, until she got tipsy and felt the need to comment on PeeBee "as an Asari."

"As an Asari," she sneered "One would think you'd now to dress yourself by now. You've had 100 years of practice yet you wear that? You look like a hobo, nothing matches."

And without missing a beat, Ryder replied. "You know what else doesnt match? The father's of your children.  Or that ugly ass hat your wearing."

"It is a traditional Matriarch head wrap!" She gasped.

"It's hideous." Ryder retorted as she walked away.

PeeBee choked on her whsikey, but still gave an infectious laugh.

"My hero."she playfully cooed "Next rounds on me."

Reyes- Firstly, this dude had to have a titanium balls to even walk up to these two. It was some washed up has-been politician hoping to  gain some shadey connections to get back in the game. He had asked around, and paid off people with the last of his dirty money to find this "Charlatan".

 The real one. 

 He had to get past decoy after fruad after decoy, but he finally  found Reyes. Needless to say he did well to hide his shock at the fact that the King of Kadara port was hidding out in the backrooms of Tartarus locking lips with the Human pathfinder.

The politician stood patiently as the guard announced the guest, causing Reyes to groan and reluctantly break the kiss. 

"Yes?" He hissed, obviously annoyed at the politician's presence,who seemed unphased by his hostility. He stated his case and offered a proposition, to which Reyes consider. "Intresting," Reyes spoke with a smirk "But,Ill have to consort with my companion here. Not only is Ryder the Queen/Second King of Kadara port,  but a Pathfinder as well. Your re-initiation will effect the Initiative, no doubt."

The politician seemed annoyed,but let the two have a brief moment. It was there Reyes learned exactly why he had been replaced. The politician made several baf calls thats resulted in major deaths and civilian risks, had been in countless scandals ,and ignored Judicial rullings for his own gain. He'd screw the Initiative  (and ultiamtly Ryder) sideways which will undoubtedly screw funding and supply to sevral plantes and outposts, including Kadra Port (and Ultimately Reyes)

Reyes refused after learning this and had him black listed .The politician grew hostile at rejection and had to be physically removed from the room by the guards, lest Reyes shoot him and get kicked out by Umi.

"YOU!" he spat out accusingly at Ryder "This is your fault! I almost had him! You need to mind your own business and stay out of grown men's conversations, little girl/boy."

"And you," Ryder replied with mockery just as the politician was being hualed out the door "Need to stay out of married women's beds. But neither of us will be doing what we "need" to any time soon, now will we?"

"Damn," Reyes laughed "Your hot when your sassy." Then he leaned over to picky up where they left off

The politician was still found dead  few days later though, and Reyes only halfway feind innocence.

Vetra(And Lexi, I guess)- Ah, no one has more sass than a sibling. Sassing  each other is hardwired into evry sibling relationship. Ryder was visiting thier twin, who was awake, but still on bed rest. They talking for a bit, but that soon turned into a sassing contest. And ecen even though is was all in could fun, the amount of shade being thrown could blot out the sun. Currently they were talking about their teenage years before getting old enough to join the military,only vaguely aware of Lexi giving Vetra a check up

"Atleast my knees weren't always ashy." The twin quipped.

"Well no duh," Ryder scoffed playfully in a sing-song voice "You applied extra lotion cause you were always on them." 

The twin gasped and put hand of mock hurt on thier chest, then began wacking their sibling with a pillow when they started naming people.

"Ryder!" Vetra chuckled out as lexi smiled shook her  head,making a mental note to keep track of both twins sexual histories.

"That's below the belt, Bro/Sis!" The twin exclaimed as they continued wacked the other with a pillow 

"Oh,like you were with Terry Maclamra behind the bleachers in junior year?" They ended up getting hit even harder.

Vetra had to stay back longer because she laughed so hard she could breath, and swears she saw a tear roll down Lexi's cheek as the leand on the table and bowed her head,hiding the silent laugh.

[tanzani-coil]

tagged bbys

Tagged by the wonderful @figment-fantasies​ <3

The Last: 1. Drink: coffee eyyy 2. Phone Call: my dad 3. Text message: my guy jakub bby 4. Song you listened to: sleepover by hayley kiyoko bc im trash 5. Time you cried: like. sometime last week when i was with quinn??? it might’ve been friday bc of a dumb outlander vs tumblr post i was just fuckin crying

Have You: 6. Dated someone twice: twice??? bitch i havent dated someone ONCE  7. Kissed someone and regretted it: haven’t had my first kiss yet!! <- same bby!!! 8. Been cheated on: No. they’d be dead if they did lmfao 9. Lost someone special: yah sucks bro 10. Been depressed: mate depressed is my entire personality 11: Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope not yet im hoping to get plastered w quinn one day List 3 Favorite Colors: 12. blue. like. baby blue or egg shell blue??? 13. black 14: white (my entire wardrobe is black n white monochromatic)

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends: @onelassieandherfandoms​ this asshole 16. Fallen out of love: nah like??? wasnt in love in the first place 17. Laughed until you cried: yES 18. Found out someone was talking about you: i mean. always 19. Met someone who changed you: i dont rly know??? i cant tell when i change 20. Found out who your friends are: eyyy yeah 21. Kissed someone on your FB list: gross

GENERAL: 22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: this is???? so specific????? i mean most of them i still have like. perhaps 10-20 online friends on there i havent met up with yet so 23. Do you have any pets: never had any </3 always wanted a cat and a doggo but. parents hates animals so i gotta wait till i move out 24. Do you want to change your name: yah, my birth name is like. rly feminine and long and pretentious n ive been going by my nickname for the last 6 years so much that my birth name isnt rly??? i dont rly associate it with myself 25. What did you do for your last birthday: went out for a meal with my fam. dont have enough friends to rly do anything else lmfao 26. What time did you wake up: i mean i woke up at about 9ish, went back to sleep, woke up at about 11 again, then was on and off sleeping until 12:30 when i got up 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework bc my teachers live off my pain 28. Name something you can’t wait for: seeing quinn again, new skuldug book, new season of outlander, 29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: today 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my insistence on self isolation lmfao 31. What are you listening to right now: my mom jenna marbles trying to get one (1) kill on pubg 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yah 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: art block!!!! good fucking god i havent drawn anything in like. two months. and then after that i cant remember the last time i drew anything for me because i wanted to and not for homework smh 34. Most visited website: this hellsite 35. Mole/s: got loads of em on the side of my face, but thats the side of my face that my hair/fringe covers up so??? could be worse i guess 36. Mark/s: birth mark on my right shoulder which i love a bit too much, a round patch of darker skin on my deltoid(?) where i got shot with a paintball and it’s left a scar, a scar from a shaving cut on my kneecap, and like. the unfairly over-abundance of stretchmarks on my EVERYWHERE 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a horse 38. Hair color: dirty blonde and blonde 39. Long or short hair: longish??? covers my nips at this point 40. Do you have a crush on someone?: uh 41. What do you like about yourself: uh?????? 42. Piercings: none, they freak me out??? but if i were to get any, it’d have to be a helix(?) piercing. i’d fancy like. a thick ring piercing if that makes sense 43. Blood type: do i look as if i know 44: Nicknames: george, but thats only if ur close to me 45. Relationship status: single and lonely as fuck lmfao but thats probably best, im just not built for relationships 46. Zodiac: sagittarius 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV show(s): person of interest, orphan black, outlander, the 100, brooklyn nine nine, orange is the new black, rupauls drag race, 49. Tattoos: none yet, but i rly fancy “be brave” in EXACTLY the same font as the skulduggery books, on the inside of my right wrist 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: um>?? i mean not rly??  52. Hair dyed a different color: i haven’t yet, but i want like. a lighter blonde ombre??? bc my hair is lame as fuck and i want to do SOMETHING with it 53. Sports: omf no 54. Vacation: i went to majorca a couple of weeks back just as the heat wave fuckin hit (rip me) 55. Shoes: tesco converses or black boots 56. Eating: biscuis 57. Drinking: coffee, with water inbetween bc im thirsty as fuck 58. I’m about to: do :))))) homework :)))))) 59. Waiting for: school to start up again. if i have to do homework i wanna do it actually AT school bc i cant focus for shit at home, but i can get so much done with the school facilities so 60. Want: to see quinn again i miss her dumb face 61. Get married: i want to tbh but. not built for that sort of thing 62. Career: ahahahaha jesus fuck i have no fucking clue lets not go into this

WHICH IS BETTER: 63. Hugs or kisses: HUGS. I FUCKIN LIVE FOR HUGS 64. Lips or eyes: eyes 65. Shorter or taller: i mean???? depends on the person but typically taller 66. Older or younger: older 67. Nice arms or nice stomach: i????? 68. Sensitive or loud: man idk. both 69. Hook up or relationship: relationship bc im a sap 70. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant bc i have a crippling fear of authority

HAVE YOU EVER: 71. Kissed a stranger: nope 72. Drank hard liquor: nope 73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 74. Turned someone down: nope. i’d be so lucky lmfao 75. Sex on first date: bitch i’ve never been on a date let alone 76. Broken someone’s heart: nope 77. Had your heart broken: ahahahahahahahahahahaha 78. Been arrested: nope 79. Cried when someone died: yep 80. Fallen for a friend: ahaha  hahahah  hahahahahahahahahahaha

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 81. Yourself: well someone fuckin has to 82. Miracles: i mean??? i’d believe it if i saw it 83. Love at first sight: i believe that you can have an instant connection or chemistry with someone which would then lead to love, but like. love at first sight has only rly ever applied to pretty emaciated people so 84. Santa Claus: nope 85. Kiss on the first date: i mean?? nah

OTHER: 86. Current best friend: i have like. three friends?? all of which i’d consider my best friend i think 87. Eye color: blue but with like. yellow on the inside??? which. having googled is apparently called central heterochromia  88. Favorite movie: oooo. probably spirit stallion of the cimarron 

i mean. all the people i would’ve tagged I think @figment-fantasies tagged anyway so like. have fun folks

[haretakouri-blog]

some rambling/hcs about yuuri and his mental illness and how strong he is!

the thing about yuuri and his season where he got last in the GPF is that he wasnt just at the lowest of his career, he was probably in his worst mental state like, ever. and thats honestly one of the worst feelings, knowing youre miserable but youre just so lost you dont know what to do, and you know its your mental illness but it doesnt help to know that.

he probably had a time that before this GPF he saw as his ‘absolute worst’ mental health wise and whenever he was feeling bad, at least it wasnt as bad as that. but then he ended up being worse than that because of everything that happened. he was skating in front of thousands of people (which is already anxiety inducing), he had super low self confidence and pretty much assumed failure was the only option, and had the general stress of college on top of professional skating, social life, and everything else you need to do as an adult. 

and then his dog, who was probably his rock for many years in his life and would help him through his depression and anxiety and general feelings like he wasn’t worth anything, died without much warning, and he hadnt seen him for 5 years already. his anxiety and depression probably got horrible after that, and then he had to skate one of the most important events of his life. tbh, he probably had an anxiety attack while skating and barely stopped himself from breaking down! he had so much stress and anxiety built up, theres no way he wasnt super overwhelmed by it all

and, as i said before, its probably the worst hes ever been in his life. hes overwhelmed, theres so much to do and he doesnt know how he can do it all and do it well. and he knows he needs to do something about his mental health, but that just adds on even more and hes just so, so lost and he doesnt even know where to start on anything. he doesnt know how hes supposed to keep on living at this point, he doesnt even know if he’ll be able to convince himself to get out of bed. and when you get that overwhelmed and lost and confused, you just sob uncontrollably. you dont know what to do and youre in so much pain that you just cry for what seems like forever, and it just makes you feel more lost. you sit there crying so hard you can barely breathe and the only thing youre thinking is ‘i dont know what to do. i cant do this. i dont know what to do’ over and over

and the only thing he can even think to do is to quit skating, because he cant do it anymore. not if it means feeling like that. he knows there were a lot of other factors, but the thought skating in competition and possibly ending up like that again gave him anxiety attacks. he couldnt do it then, so he went home.

viktor shows up, and having the best skater alive see so much potential in you that he drops everything to help you become even better and coach you helps with self esteem. but it also makes him feel guilty about ‘stealing viktor’, and it doesnt magically cure his fears of competing again. he barely manages to do hasetsu on ice without having a panic attack (right before he goes on we’re seeing through yuuris eyes; it goes blurry-ish and starts swirling, because hes about to cry). viktor manages to distract him enough that yuuri gets through the first competition fine, and having an experience where yuuri doesnt fail miserably or have a panic attack helps, but hes still afraid before competitions. 

hes slowly getting better and more confident; less afraid of having panic attacks, more towards where he was before. but then he cries before his SP in china and hes terrified hes going back to that mental state where he was helpless. viktor again helps him through it by believing in him and yuuri calms down enough to skate really well. this boosts his confidence even more-- he could break down right before skating, but he was strong enough now that he could skate an amazing performance after, without having a panic attack

there arent any big anxiety-inducing moments after makkachin and viktor leaving him for his FS, and his mental state continues to improve slowly. but, the guilt of taking viktor grows and results in the end of ep 11, where he tells viktor he wants to stop skating. this time its not a decision made from panic and helplessness, but out of guilt and sadness. he’s not necessarily upset; more melancholy. sure, he was a little sad to end his career, but he felt happy with what he achieved and he was happy to let viktor skate again. he never thought viktor wouldve reacted the way he did, that viktor wanted him to keep skating to badly. sure, he knew viktor loved him and his skating (i mean, they got engaged!) but he didnt understand how much it meant to viktor (and to him; he didnt really realize how upset he was, too focused on his guilt)

he doesnt skate his SP in the GPF like he imagined, and he feels like he disappointed everyone. especially viktor; especially himself. his anxiety threatens to ruin his FS, but hes grown so much now and hes able to acknowledge his mistakes (though he doesnt realize that he was actually quite amazing; it wasnt exactly as he imagined, but it was good) without ruining his next performance. he breaks viktors record, something he hadnt spent a second even dreaming about, because it had seemed pointless. something impossible, an unattainable dream, so why bother even dreaming. he beat the living skating legend who he’s also marrying at ithe GPF. and he realizes that he doesnt want to stop. he wants to let viktor skate, because he loves him and loves his skating, but he was so close to winning. hes confident now, confident that given just one more year he could get gold, and confident enough to ask viktor for more of his time

this was long and ramble-y but... this is how i view yuuris mental health throughout the series. and theres definitely a lot of projection happening, but i dont think any of it is that far off from what happened in canon. i am so immensely proud and amazed at how strong yuuri is. coming back from such a low point where he felt helpless and miserable, to becoming as confident as he is at the end of the series. its honestly one of the hardest things to do in life. if you have anxiety and/or depression and youve had a low, low time like that, you know. its absolute hell to get anywhere when you feel like that. and yuuri went so, so far. he inspires me honestly, to keep on going in life, even though hes fictional. ive connected to him so much, and thats why i love to see him happy, because he reminds me that i can be like him. itll suck, but ill make it there. and ill forever be grateful to yuri on ice for giving me this character

that got really deep and personal um... i didnt mean for this. i was supposed to be playing overwatch.... side note: this is obviously very personal so please dont reblog ;;

[myinnerletters]

Dear Tal,

Tomorrows the last day of your internship. I thought i may have wanted to try think about getting back with you when you returned but i dont think so anymore. So much of your “Humour” seems more like ways to put me down. You said i didnt know when you were joking - perhaps you just straight up weren’t funny? Or what i think now is that you just slapped a big ol I WAS JOKIN YA DUMB DUMB when you said something that may have gotten you in trouble. Cause i was the one that “shot from the hip”, after one incident. In which i profusely apologised. Get over yourself, seriously. 

I feel like i wasted time. I feel like you’re good with words. To convince people to bend at your will to what you want. You sugar coat, and you say just the right thing. You come on strong and you treated me from the beginning like we were building a relationship. DIdn’t want to sleep wtih me early on because “you respected me too much” but then a week later you had done your due diligence. Calm down. Just fuck me and get on with it and stop pretending like you respect me or care.

Cause you dont. You stopped trying. You made it all on me. You kept trying to get me to open up, to fall for you, i was there for you. Through and through and you turned around and made it out like i was the one head over heals for you. Like you were doing me a service. 

You know, i liked you best when you werent putting on such a bravado? When I could see that there was a person in there who could care, who didnt want to have a different opinion just for the sake of it. The one who wasn’t trynna flex the law career, or being a doctor (WHICh doing a biomed degree does not make you a doctor), or flexing how much money, or what drugs you did, or acting that lifestyle that you SO desperately crave to be in. I liked you best when all the guards were down, when i could see a glimpse of a boy who didn’t care about all these things.

You made me think you were different from the pact. The way you acted at times, like things i had done were shameful. I dont regret not being in a relationship for the last 5 years. I’ve had shit ive been doing, i’m not gonna settle for someone whos not right for me. I felt judged when you asked if i slept with sam on the first date, does it matteR? When i decided to spend time with you instead of my dad? and yet you still joked about how i almost didnt chose you. You and your weird mind games.

I did like you. I did see a future. I also guess i was just enjoying the fact that i had feelings and that you treated me right (although again, i guess this is just what you do. You’re a business man through and through) I don’t agree with your politics. You dont agree with mine and thats fine. But we pretty much didn’t see eye to eye on anything, and i think in my heart of hearts my fear about your politics, and the fact that i couldnt let it go has all to do with a gut instinct that i knew deep down that it was wrong. That my fear that you would somehow be against my lgbtqia+ friends, that you felt weirdly uncomfortable.

Or the fact that you feigned support for me, but then said my show was weird? that you didnt understand why period equality was important or why it should be discussed. You thought so much of what i said was weird, was strange, i was nuts, whatever. I do say silly things, i said it to you then and ill say it to you now, no one things what im saying is nuts. You were the only one who made it out like i was speakinga nother language.

My show is not weird. I mean it is. But it helps change peoples lives. WHich is more than I can say about keeping up appearances so that you too can live in the cum dream that is the suit lifestyle. Men saw the show and thought it was great. they engaged with me after. they spoke about my fucking cycle with me. And about my period. and my endo. They didnt get weird like you.

I wish i could look back on our time now and enjoy it. i enjoyed having someone. I enjoyed speaking to you on the phone and dreaming of a future, that involved getaways and maybe i got a bit carried away. I liked that you made an effort. or that you bought flowers. I liked so much of it. But the way it deescalated, it feels like a farce. it feels like a prank. it feels like you did exactly what every other guy did and i feel silly for listening to you and believing you over everyone else.

why? i still see stuff that i want to tag you, but because i sent a video its all broken. And as i said, i liked what you offer but as people despite having that intense connection, we arent particularly compatible. I lost myself in you. I started to ignore what mattered to me and thats not cool either. Sitting in Women of the White house i thought if you were here youd get up, youd leave, youd tell me afterwards how unfunny it was. Youd probably call my friends nuts. And that was when i knew it wasnt gonna happen. 

I felt like you knew too. You didnt want to try anymore. I was somehow in your way, and i wasnt even asking all that much of you. i just needed to know that you were still thinking of me. that you still cared. I saw you on that last date and it was not good. I felt disconnected from you. you wanted me to finish my drink. You wanted to go home. but you didnt make me feel like you cared, and then we continued not to talk to each other. You didnt care. Its like you wanted me to break things off with you, but you were too chicken shit to do it before my show cause you didnt want me to fall apart. But i wasnt. you were nice when it lasted. thats it. youre not my everything, i wont fall apart without you. You didnt really add much to my life, just some affection and someone to share some stuff with who stopped caring.

I feel done. the idea of dating. of letting another person in right now, i dont want it. I dont want to get my hopes up anymore just to have them dashed. I built an idea of you and thats on me. But you strung me along, and you lied, and you said vaccuous things that meant nothing to get me on side. I dont want to date anymore. I dont think im supposed to. i dont know wha tthe rest of this year holds for me, but the idea of meeting someone, of putting myself out there. i just cant do it. you were good for my acting. you made me open up a bit and for that i thank you.

Im sure ill never hear from you again. i dont fit into your world, and you most definitely dont fit into mine. It is fucked that you just starting kind of ghosting me. literally cooked. 

also i can do without expensive things. they dont mean shit. human connection. decent human beings. thats what i value. not expensive meals or the fact that you dogged a trippy taco. like so what if you didnt like the food. this is becoming silly now. 

[topicprinter]

Hi all, I recently wrote this post about how Drip screwed over its most loyal customers and I thought perhaps /r/Entrepreneur would get value out of my lessons learned.----If you’re not familiar, Drip is email marketing software that’s pretty heavy on the marketing automation front. I won’t do them the courtesy of a link, so you’ll have to Google them if you want to check it out.They’ve been around since 2012 or so, founded by someone I trusted, but he sold the business to Leadpages a few years ago, and it’s been going downhill ever since.I’ve been using them for years as the backbone of two “side” businesses: IndieHive, which covers this website for freelancers and the related products and services that I sell, and Everleads, a curated lead generation site for freelance designers and developers.In 2016 and 2017, I really dug deep into Drip. I built out dozens of interconnected workflows to carefully shepherd my subscribers through various funnels and sequences with duplicate emails or annoying content that’s not relevant to them. I integrated my web front-end with their APIs so that I could customize the site for subscribers. I wrote bridging scripts to connect it to Mixpanel for analytics, and I used Zapier to hook Drip up to even more services. It was the heart of my entire business, and it was awesome.But throughout 2018, things started to go awry.I kept experiencing glitches in the workflows where people would get stuck on workflow steps that should be instant, like “remove tag”. Or people would end one workflow and start another, but not have any of the data that the first workflow had set. There were honestly dozens of these little glitches, but individually they were minor.Also troubling: deliverability started to slip. Not precipitously, and I can’t prove that it wasn’t just my emails, but I have heard from others that they were having issues with getting their emails into people’s inboxes in 2018.But the most egregious thing for all of this was that support was basically no help at all. I probably opened two dozen support requests in 2018 and I’m not sure they actually resolved a single one. We’d spend hours going back and forth so they could even understand the problem. Then they’d almost always say one of two things:“For a workaround, just insert a number of delays between steps in your workflows so that the system doesn’t get confused!” So all my workflows had little 5 minute delay steps to try and make sure things worked correctly. Which they still didn’t. Wtf.Or they’d just say they need to escalate to the developers and then I’d get an email weeks or months later from some random support engineer letting me know they were still looking into why the most basic functions of their software don’t work right. Awesome.Alarmed by this, I repeatedly researched alternatives throughout 2018, but nothing seemed worth going through the pain of migration and the risk of just having similar issues somewhere else. So I kept resolving to be patient with Drip and hope (pray) that they were hard at work at undoing whatever architectural disaster had led us here.And then…In early January 2019, while I was on a relaxing cruise with my wife for our 15th anniversary, I got an email from Drip:https://ryanwaggoner.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/drip-bullshit-pricing-email-2.pngSo basically: “Hey, we’re raising our prices in 12 days! You can keep your current price if you switch to an annual plan!”And if you read it carefully, there’s something pretty important missing from this email.It doesn’t say what the new pricing is**. Seriously wtf.**So I emailed to ask. They responded the next day (so now I have 11 days) to reveal they were doubling my monthly price.Drip raised my price from $184 / month to $368 / month with 12 days notice.That’s just about the worst way imaginable to treat your oldest and most loyal customers.And it was the last straw for me.Now, to be clear, I completely understand wanting to grow a company in a new direction, or thinking that you need to raise prices to reflect more value.But you don’t do it when your platform is half-broken, you don’t do it with 12 days notice, and you grandfather in existing customers, at least for long enough for them to migrate. Also, you tell them the price when you tell them that prices are rising.It’s hard to imagine how Drip could have been more disrespectful to their customer base than what they did here.So as of last month, I switched all my subscribers to ConvertKit and ActiveCampaign for Everleads and IndieHive, respectively. That’s thousands of dollars that Drip won’t be getting from me. I managed to get both setups completely migrated off just before their billing renewal dates, in one case with literal minutes to spare.It was a pain and required some late nights but it was worth it to deny them another penny.I’m not alone in feeling upset about this. Twitter was ablaze for weeks with people who were angry and bailing for greener, more respectful pastures. I’ve taken a sick joy in watching a lot of people migrate off Drip with much larger lists than mine.I also cancelled Leadpages in favor of Instapage. I was already unhappy with Leadpages, mainly because it feels pretty clunky and dated, they aren’t very responsive to user feedback, and they’re still missing some pretty basic things (like being able to pass form data to the thank you page. Seriously?).Side note: I was going to link to the Leadpages idea portal, but they apparently shut it down. Makes sense, since it was filled with hundreds of good ideas with many, many customer votes that had been ignored for years.Regardless, even if Leadpages was awesome, they own Drip and I won’t give another penny to such an unethical company that treats its customers so poorly.And this migration was a huge pain (which is what they were counting on), partly because of how complex my Drip setups were, but also because ConvertKit and ActiveCampaign are both pretty different from each other and from Drip. On the surface, they all do some of the same things, but once you dig in, things diverge, which made the migration especially painful.Drip is complicated. Stupidly so. In fact, it’s so complicated that there are a number of problems using it:It doesn’t really work. I mean, it does like 99% of the time, but that last 1% means that some of your subscribers are going to have a bad time. And it’s not just that their emails won’t show up. They might just get stuck in a workflow, or skip some emails in a sequence, or get things at the wrong times, or lose data, etc. And since this happens randomly, the number of subscribers who experience it accumulates over time.The customer support reps don’t really know how it works, because it’s too complicated. So you end up spending hours writing up descriptions of the problem and putting together screencasts to show how things don’t seem to be working, and the only response you get is that they’ll have to ask the developers.It encourages you to setup really fancy complex automations which, even if they did work, are way beyond what you actually need. Just imagine: you can do anything! You can track everything! You can have an unlimited number of tags and fields! Track and automate all the things!Your setup can end up being really brittle and deeply tied to the Drip architecture, which is a problem if you want to migrate off. And it’s hard to expand and modify over time without breaking all kinds of things for your subscribers who are in those automations.The setup is hard to document. It’s easy to end up with a large collection of documents and spreadsheets and screencasts to try and explain not only what you did, but why you did it.It’s hard to audit and debug when things go wrong. And things will go wrong. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s happening with your subscribers, where things went off the rails, and how to get it back on track without screwing things up further.In the end, Drip for me felt like a really shitty programming language. Technically possible to do almost anything, but so painful that in the end you wish you hadn’t bothered.By contrast, ConvertKit is simple. And yes, I think it’s too simple in places. I think there are some genuine gaps in the functionality that makes it a little too hard to get done the things you want.But I’m also aware of the fact that I’m coming from Drip and a really convoluted setup, so being forced to simplify is probably a good thing.And ActiveCampaign is not simple, but it’s powerful in a bunch of ways that Drip should have been. Additionally, it has the distinction of actually being, you know, functional. Crazy, I know.Also, ActiveCampaign apparently is more open to feedback than Drip. I posted a Twitter thread listing some things that I like about it and Jason VandeBoom, the founder of ActiveCampaign, setup a call with me to go over some of my feedback. And ActiveCampaign isn’t a tiny company; they have hundreds of employees and are much larger than Drip. It meant a lot to me that Jason would just jump on the phone with a random customer to see how they could improve.Meanwhile Drip’s emails aren’t even signed by an actual person. During this whole debacle, I don’t think anyone from Drip actually responded to anyone’s tweets or complaints. A couple days after the initial announcement when things were blowing up on Twitter, they sent this out another email that was basically "sorry, not sorry"Just like their price increase, all of their corporate communication just screams “We don’t care about you. Go away.”So I did.I’m actually really glad that I dropped Drip, after all that. Partly because of how much better ConvertKit and ActiveCampaign are as tools, but mostly because it taught me a lesson about how you need to be careful when you’re a small company about who you integrate with, because while your interests may align now, that could change at any point.But this rant has gone on long enough, so I’ll save that point for a future post.Disclaimer: just in case Drip decides to sue me (which would be so on-brand for them at this point), ALL the descriptions of Drip’s functionality, failings, and communications is to the best of my recollection and should not be taken as a literal word-for-word account.----Happy to answer any questions about my experience with Drip, ConvertKit, or ActiveCampaign. Would also love to hear anyone else's experiences with any of those (or others you'd recommend in the space of email-based marketing automation).Original post: https://ryanwaggoner.com/drip-pricing-review/

[ericsburden-blog]

How to Drive Traffic to a Brand-New Site with Little to No Money

I know what you are going through.

You were excited to launch your brand-new site until you realized no one is coming to it.

So, you head to all of the marketing blogs to learn how to fix this, but for the life of you, your traffic won’t go up no matter which tactic you leverage.

What you’re feeling right now is very common. Not only have I experienced it, but when I was starting out, I even took the small life savings that I made from cleaning restrooms and sweeping up trash to pay a marketing firm to help me out.

And can you guess what happened?

They took my money and provided no results.

See, what most marketers aren’t telling you is that there are two main reasons why you aren’t getting traffic to your brand-new site (other than the fact that you don’t have much money to spend on ads):

Marketing is a long-term game – almost all of the tactics marketers, including me, talk about are long-term tactics. They take 6 months or even longer to see any results.

Your execution needs to be flawless – if you don’t implement the tactics correctly, you won’t see results.

Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t see short-term results or sales. More so you have to change up your strategy.

So, I thought I would do something a bit different today. I am going to break down what you should be doing during the first 12 weeks after launching your site.

I’ll be sharing a tactic for you to follow each week and, if you follow it, you’ll notice that your traffic will start going up right away. From there, you’ll start to see sales coming in.

Before I dive into the 12 tactics, note that you won’t have to spend much money, if any at all. I am also not going to give you advice that is extremely time-consuming, like writing blog posts, as you’ll also be running your business at the same time.

And of course, the tactics work for both B2B and B2C sites. It doesn’t matter if you are an ecommerce site or a SaaS company. Follow the steps below exactly.

Week #1: Respond to comments on other people’s blog without spamming

Have you heard of a popular site called Mashable? It was founded by Pete Cashmore.

When he launched his competing site to TechCrunch, no one knew about him and no one cared to listen to him as he was based in Scotland instead of Silicon Valley.

But do you think that stopped him? Of course not!

So, what did he do? He went out there and commented on every competing tech blog. And not only did he comment, but he always tried to be the first commenter.

See, when you leave a comment on a blog, most ask you to put in your name, URL, and comment.

Assuming you are leaving valuable comments and nothing spammy, you’ll notice that you’ll get referral traffic in your Google Analytics.

This will be because a very small percentage of people are clicking on your name when you leave a comment.

And considering some of the most popular blogs on the web receive millions of visitors each week, it’s not that hard to drive a fraction of a percent of their traffic back to your site.

The key with this strategy is to be one of the first commenters as that ensures your comment is at the top. The other key, of course, is that your comment must add value.

For example, if you own a marketing related product or service, marketing blogs would be a great place to comment. But what do you think will happen if you leave this kind of standard comment:

Nice post! Keep up the good work!

Nothing. On the flip side, if you put in some effort to write something that benefited the reader, you’ll have a chance at getting some traffic.

An example could be something like this…

Neil, I love the actionable tips on generating traffic for a brand-new site within the first 3 months of launching it. But I know you didn’t discuss much if any about SEO.

I know SEO is a long-term strategy, but people should get a head start right away or else it will take that much longer to get loved by Google.

One thing that I recommend every site to start off with is simple keyword research. You can use any free keyword research tool like Google Keyword Planner and type in your competitor URL. Google Keyword Planner will then suggest keywords and even show you the cost per click.

By going after keywords that aren’t competitive and have a higher cost per click, you’ll find that you can generate search traffic at a much faster pace and these keywords will drive sales. As keywords with a high cost per click tend to mean that they convert.

Do you see what I mean by writing thoughtful comments that help people?

This tactic works!

Jared, who runs Skincare by Alana, still leverages this tactic today. When he and his wife launched their ecommerce store they commented on other popular blogs and social sites when it came to all things skin related.

This helped them generate 931 visitors during their first week and 12 sales.

I know it’s not a lot, but you have to start somewhere and grow from there.

I also have leveraged this tactic for years. Instead of focusing just on blogs, I commented on relevant social sites too.

As you can see from the screenshot above, I’ve generated over 1.9 million views on my Quora responses.

Here’s an example of one of my responses:

You’ll notice that in my response I also link out to my own site which drives traffic back to me.

Yes, the response looks very long, and you may think I put in tons of work, but I literally copied and pasted a blog post I had already written and added it to Quora.

Google doesn’t penalize for duplicate content. 😉

If you are going to use this strategy during week one, try to leave at least 10 solid comments per day. I would try to leave 20 as it shouldn’t take you more than two hours per day… assuming you haven’t done this before.

I can typically leave 15 comments in less than 50 minutes. So, throughout the first week try to speed things up and spend no more than an hour on this tactic per day.

Week #2: Be helpful on Twitter and you’ll get tweets

Before I go into week 2, keep in mind you’ll still want to maintain the tactics I share in the previous week.

By week 12, you’ll want to be following all 12 tactics each week.

Of course, you won’t be able to put in the same number of hours into each tactic and that’s fine, but you can still do them a bit. For example, you can still leave 5 comments a day instead of leaving 20.

So, let’s dive into week 2, which is all about Twitter.

This tactic I learned from my brother-in-law Hiten Shah. He used to leverage this tactic for every one of our startups… Crazy Egg, KISSmetrics, and he now leverages it for his newest company FYI.

If you look at Hiten, he built up his personal brand and influence in the tech space because of Twitter. Sure, people like me may have a bigger brand or more Twitter followers, but he has much, much, much more authority on Twitter than I do.

As you can see influential people on Twitter are tweeting about Hiten’s latest company.

He even tweets and connects with well-known entrepreneurs like the founder of HubSpot and Drift because of Twitter.

So how is Hiten getting all of these people to show him some Twitter love? Well, he has a 3-step formula…

Help people

Help people

Help people

And no, I am not joking, that is his formula. He doesn’t care to promote his business, he just helps people.

Let’s look at his Twitter profile to dive deeper into his strategy.

If you look at the tweets above, you’ll notice that Hiten continually pushes out advice on his Twitter profile. He rarely mentions his own company, but instead just tries to help people.

And when people ask questions or need help, he constantly responds to people’s tweets.

Not everyone takes his advice, but his mentality is to just be helpful no matter what. Just look at how he responds to people’s tweets.

Lastly, he retweets stuff that he likes. Whether you are an influencer or an average joe, he doesn’t care. He just wants to share the best information out there.

This is why so many people tweet about his product FYI. It’s because he is super helpful, so people naturally want to help him out without him even asking them to.

Now I know this strategy that Hiten uses seems like it is going to take forever to get results, and it does. But there is a hack that he uses to get immediate results.

Every day you should search Twitter for people talking about your competitor. When people have questions about your competitors’ products or services (or they have complaints), try and help them.

Don’t pitch them on your company, just try and help them.

What you’ll find is people will be shocked that you are helping a competitor. And if you are this kind and helpful, then what kind of service would they get if they took their business to you…

In other words, being helpful wins you goodwill and it will cause people to switch from your competitor over to you.

And if you go above and beyond like Hiten, people who haven’t even used your product or service will help promote you. Just like how one of his followers tweeted about FYI and he hasn’t even used it yet.

His strategy to help, help, and help some more has made Twitter one of FYI’s biggest traffic source. It accounts for roughly 25% of their weekly traffic.

Week #3: Go after small affiliates

No matter what industry you are in, there are affiliates. If you aren’t familiar with affiliate marketing, check out this post.

When you are starting out you probably haven’t created an affiliate program yet in which pay other marketers every time they drive you a sale or a lead.

You can always use software like Hasoffers to set one up or go through a network. There are literally hundreds of options and with a few quick Google searches, you can find one which is the right fit for you.

Now, what most people will tell you is that no one is going to promote your affiliate offer because it is unproven and new.

Although it’s true that your offer is unproven, it doesn’t mean all hope is lost.

During your third week, I want you to copy the strategy ConvertKit used when they first launched.

The strategy I am about to break down helped them grow from a few thousand dollars a month in revenue to over a million a month.

What ConvertKit did was they went to all of their competitors’ sites and looked to see which ones had an affiliate program. One of those competitors happens to be Aweber.

Then once they had a list of competitors with affiliate programs, they performed a Google search for “competitor name vs.” An example would be “Aweber vs”…

From there they would email each of those site owners asking them to include ConvertKit in the article or even write a unique article about ConvertKit. Just like this one.

Just think of it this way, if someone is willing to be an affiliate for one company, they won’t mind throwing in a few extra competitors. All it does is give them the potential to make more money.

When leveraging this tactic, consider sending out 10 emails a day. It shouldn’t take long and people typically don’t mind adjusting their web pages to add in another link that could potentially earn them extra money.

Now compared to most tactics, this one will drive the least amount of visitors.

But the traffic will be very qualified and more likely to convert as you are going after “versus” articles. When someone types in “Company X VS Company Y” into Google, they are researching which solution is ideal for them. These posts rank well and they tend to drive sales.

Week #4: Hire guest writers

Now the strategy I am about to break down for you in week 4 is my favorite strategy.

This is what I used in my last startup KISSmetrics to grow our blog traffic to over a million visitors a month.

If you head to the KISSmetrics site you’ll notice that it now redirects to NeilPatel.com as I bought the site.

So how much traffic did the KISSmetrics blog get from this strategy?

As you can see from the image above, we peaked at 1,260,681 unique visitors a month.

Our strategy was simple… hire writers who had a social following.

We went to the Problogger Job Board and posted a job looking for writers.

The job description looked something like this…

Are you a marketing expert? Do you know marketing like the back of your hand?

That’s great because I have an opportunity for you.

KISSmetrics is a leader in the web analytics space and we are looking to work with expert writers who know marketing and analytics.

We’re currently looking to expand our team of writers with passionate enthusiasts for digital marketing and with expertise and passion for writing.  We are hiring individuals for each of the following categories:

SEO

Content marketing

Social media

Web analytics

Conversion optimization

Paid advertising

Web design

Branding

Email marketing

Please go to our blog for examples of content we’re looking to create. [insert URL of your blog]

We would like to build a long-term relationship with you that is on a project basis. Initially, we will have you submit a list of topic ideas you would love to blog on, then we will pick one, have you outline it… and of course, you’ll then be off to the races.

The articles will be anywhere from 1,000 words to 3,000. Our goal isn’t to enforce a word count, we are more interested in high-quality content.

We’re looking for someone who is:

Looking for a long-term working relationship

Has 1 year of working experience as a writer

Has a good level of knowledge of digital marketing

Is willing to research and learn more about marketing

Has great grammar and spelling skills as well as proficiency in English

Likes working with deadlines and structure

Has a social following and doesn’t mind promoting the content you are writing as it will be published under your name

How to apply

Send an email to [insert your email] with – Applying For Writer Position in the subject line. Your email should include:

A bit about you as well as links to your social profiles

Why you’re a good fit for this position

Links to 2 -3 articles you have written

Your rate per 500 words.

The way we scaled up to over a million visitors a month was by publishing 5 blog posts a week. And every time a writer wrote a blog post for us, they didn’t mind promoting it to their social following as their name was on the article.

Once we got over 50,000 visitors a month, we noticed that we started to get inbound inquires of people willing to write for us for free. So eventually we slowly transitioned to a model where people wrote for us for free and we didn’t need to hire or pay writers.

You’ll notice that this will happen with your blog as it gets more popular.

What’s great about this strategy is the more writers you get, the more people that will find out about your company as each writer has different people following them on the social web.

Week #5: Create a podcast and interview guests

Have you listened to my podcast Marketing School? If you haven’t listened to it yet, check it out.

My co-host Eric Siu and I give marketing advice each day in under 5 minutes.

But don’t worry, the strategy I want you to implement isn’t to copy Marketing School or even listen to it (although I would be honored if you did listen to it).

Instead, it’s to copy my co-host, Eric Siu. He has another popular podcast called Growth Everywhere where he interviews someone new each and every single week.

You don’t have to do a weekly podcast, but I want you to interview someone in your space at least once a month.

And instead of making a separate site for your podcast, just pop it onto your main site.

Now when you publish each of these interviews, ask the guest to share it with their audience. From their social profiles to posting it on their own blog to even emailing their own list.

Although Eric has built a brand in the marketing space, he wasn’t well known when he started Growth Everywhere.

Just look at his stats from leveraging this tactic:

Eric’s generating over 15,300 unique visitors a month. That’s a lot of traffic considering Eric hasn’t even tried to grow the traffic to Growth Everywhere.

Best of all, you can generate similar results to Eric. But the key to doing this is interviewing people within your space so that way the traffic that comes to your site is relevant and over time those visitors will convert into customers.

If you don’t know how to start a podcast, watch this:

You could buy fancy equipment, but I would just use whatever’s built into your computer until you start seeing results from this tactic.

And if you really want to make your podcast popular, check this out.

Week #6: Become a rising star

Do you want to be a rising star? Well of course you do… who doesn’t?

Now you probably wondering, what the heck is a “rising star?”

Well, let me first start off with, Facebook groups.

Whatever industry you are in, whoever your ideal customers are… you can find them in a Facebook group.

Look for niche groups on Facebook related to the product or service you are selling. You want to join these groups as long as they have over 1,000 members.

You may also find groups that have over a million members. You’ll want to avoid these groups.

Focus on groups that are between 1,000 members and 17,000 members. Those groups are big enough to where you can generate traffic and small enough where you’ll be noticed.

What you’ll want to do is join a handful of groups and post 4 to 5 times in the group during your first month.

Assuming you are creating posts that are engaging in which people are responding and interacting with you, then you’ll get a rising star badge.

That means people are interacting with your posts. So then when you mention your product or service, you’ll find that not only will people see it, but they are going to head on over to your site.

The key with posting to Facebook groups is to create a high amount of comments and replies. If you just link out to your site you’ll get very few clicks and you will look like a spammer. Posting links and nothing more will get you banned from the group.

But if you link out within context or answer someone’s question with a link to your site or share something from your site that will help group members, you are much more likely to get clicks.

But if the content isn’t engaging and people don’t care to leave comments, you won’t see much traffic from your Facebook group.

I have a private Facebook group with 2,616 members.

When you post something that is engaging, you’ll get featured as a “top recent post” and I’ve found with my 2,616 members I can generate 119 to 184 visitors when I post something that is super engaging that links to my site.

But instead of creating a group as I did, just join other popular groups. You’ll save a ton of time.

Week #7: Co-publish content

Have you ever thought about co-publishing content with other site owners? Even if you don’t have a huge audience, people will still love co-publishing content with you.

Why you may ask?

Well, they may have the audience, but they may be too busy to continually create new content.

Just look at me… I co-published so many guides with other writers.

And…

And…

These writers got tons of exposure and did the majority of the work.

Over time, these guides have generated well over a million visitors. But I know they are time-consuming to create, and I’m not asking you to create guides.

Instead, you can co-publish blog posts together, record a webinar together, create a white paper, or anything else that you feel could be a good fit.

A good example of this is how my team co-published content together with a company called Hotmart in Brazil.

They wrote about Ubersuggest. They even co-published a video about SEO and, of course, my team mentioned Ubersuggest.

That helped make Brazil the most popular country when it comes to usage for Ubersuggest.

If you are going to try and co-publish content with others, make sure you are willing to do the majority of the work.

Hit up other sites within your space and make your offer. Let them know how they won’t have to do much work and, of course, mention what they’ll get out of it.

When you co-publish content, you can’t just talk about your company, you also have to talk about theirs.

Week #8: Product launches

Have you heard of Drift?

It’s a chatbot tool that a lot of people in sales and marketing use.

What I love about Drift is their Product Hunt strategy. Every time they release a new feature, they push it hard on Product Hunt.

You probably don’t have a ton of new feature releases as you have a brand new site but every time you have one you should consider pushing it out on Product Hunt or even a Sub-Reddit.

But for now, why can’t you launch your site on Product Hunt or on a Sub-Reddit?

Sure you site maybe live for a few weeks, but you haven’t announced it to the world yet. 🙂

Product Hunt is super effective when it comes to traffic generation. When FYI launched via Product Hunt they got over 1,000 votes. It was so successful, the HubSpot co-founder even offered them funding.

I did something similar with Ubersuggest. Every time I release a new feature, I announce it on Product Hunt. So far it has driven me 12,319 visitors.

The key with doing well on Product Hunt is:

Get as many votes right when you release it… ideally within the first hour (so ask your friends and co-workers to vote)

Participate in the community before you submit your own site. Ideally, you want someone else to submit, but if you don’t know any active Product Hunt users, participate for a bit before you submit your own site.

Make sure you respond to every single comment as this helps with engagement.

Submit your site very early in the morning Pacific Standard Time. Product Hunt resets every night, so consider submitting it around 4 am Pacific Standard Time.

I know self-promotion might be a bit difficult for you when you are starting off but you need to embrace it. There is nothing wrong with pushing your own company… if you don’t, no one else will.

Week #9: The gram

Honestly, what do you think of Instagram?

Well, whether you like it or hate it, it is one of the most popular social networks out there. And influencer marketing is becoming one of the most effective promotion channels.

Anytime a Kardashian talks about a product, it flies right off the shelves.

That’s how companies like FitTea came out of nowhere and grew to 7 figures in revenue overnight.

I know what you are thinking: It’s going to be too expensive to pay Kim Kardashian to talk about your business. And you are right, it will be too expensive.

Heck, anyone who has over a million followers will try and charge you too much. Anyone with over 100,000 will also probably charge you too much.

Instead, I want you to look for micro-influencers who have at least 10,000 followers. Find people within your vertical who aren’t too popular but whose followers would be your ideal customer.

Now I want you to reach out to these influencers and offer them a bit of money to promote your product or service.

When it comes to making your offer, don’t pay them money for a post because it will be too expensive, pay them to create an Instagram story.

See, the moment someone hits 10,000 followers, Instagram enables the “swipe up” feature. This means they can tell their followers to swipe up to head over to any website. And in this case, they will be telling their followers to swipe up and head over to your website.

You’ll find that influencers will create a story for pennies on the dollar as it expires within 24 hours.

Typically, if someone has 10,000 to 20,000 followers, I am able to pay them a few hundred bucks for 3 stories over a 2 week period.

I prefer this over a post because this drives traffic to your site and you can track the number of sales you are generating from each campaign.

You can also leverage sites like Influence to find influencers.

A friend of mine, Timothy Sykes, does this often. He goes crazy and pays influencers with over a million followers to do this because he has been able to make each campaign profitable.

Typically, you find that 1% to 2% of the person’s followers will swipe up and head to your site, assuming the story is good. With this strategy, you won’t get a ton of visitors, but the visitors you do get are more likely to convert into customers as they’ve already been pitched during the story.

Week #10: Wikipedia

Have you ever thought about Wikipedia as a traffic source? I know I didn’t until I attended a marketing conference years ago and heard someone from Comedy Central speak.

This marketer was breaking down how Comedy Central gets millions of visitors a month, which isn’t shocking because it’s a popular television channel.

But what was shocking is how they broke down how they generate over 100,000 visitors a month from Wikipedia.

You heard me right, they get well over 100,000 visitors a month just from Wikipedia.

How’s that possible?

Well, they go in and modify Wikipedia articles and mention Comedy Central whenever it is relevant.

But before you go off and modify hundreds of Wikipedia articles, know that you won’t get the same result as Comedy Central.

It’s more realistic for you to generate a few hundred visitors a month… and maybe even work your way up to a few thousand visitors a month over time.

The key with editing Wikipedia articles is to first adjust tons of pages that aren’t about your website. It’s not just about linking to your site, it’s more so about providing value to the community.

So, during this week, I want you to adjust 12 to 15 articles. Once you do that you can then adjust any relevant ones to your business and include your own company when it makes sense.

Again you won’t get a ton of traffic from this, but you can easily get a few hundred visitors.

Here are the steps you need to follow if you want to edit articles on Wikipedia.

Week #11: Speak at a virtual summit

By now you should have some traffic coming to your site. It may not be a lot, but if you followed all of the steps above, your visitors should be highly qualified.

And now I want you to leverage those visitors to get you a speaking spot at a virtual summit.

Search Google for a virtual summit in your industry. You should be able to easily find one.

It doesn’t matter if they are charging people to attend the virtual summit or if they are giving tickets away for free. Offer yourself to speak and promote the event.

You’ll be shocked at how many people will say yes if you are willing to promote their event.

Remember, unlike a physical conference it doesn’t cost them much to add hundreds of speakers and keep the summit going for an extra day or two.

When speaking, be sure you can promote your company during your speech and you’ll notice that you’ll be able to generate some visitors and sales. But that’s not why I want you to speak at the virtual summit.

Instead, I want you to ask the host of the summit to share the attendee list with you. Assuming they have the right terms of service and privacy policies this shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

You’ll also have to make sure they aren’t breaking any GDPR rules.

What you’ll find is this is a common practice with most virtual events in which the speakers will promote the event and the virtual summit will share the attendee list with the speakers.

This will give you a list of super qualified people that you can promote your blog posts to or even your product and services.

Week #12: Scripts and tools

You know I love SEO and it’s an amazing long-term strategy. But to do well with SEO you need backlinks.

The more relevant sites linking to you, the better off you are going to be.

And as you get more backlinks, in the short run it will provide referral traffic. In the long run, it will cause your search traffic to skyrocket.

Just to show you how powerful referral traffic is, just look at my referral traffic:

Over time, all of those sites linking to you will start driving thousands of visitors.

So, what’s the best way to get more backlinks?

Well, you don’t want to buy them. And manual link building takes a long time and isn’t as effective as it used to be.

Instead, what you should do is release free tools, like how I released the SEO Analyzer years ago. And over time, it’s naturally produced 2,369 backlinks from 450 referring domains.

Now, I know what you are thinking: building a free tool is expensive and time-consuming. But it doesn’t have to be. You can buy existing tools and put them on your website for pennies on the dollar. And over time, they will naturally get backlinks without you needing to do anything more.

For example, if you have a real estate website, you can always add a mortgage calculator to your website. And can you guess how much it would cost for you to add one to your site?

$13. That’s right, it only costs 13 bucks! How crazy is that!?

There’s a site called Code Canyon where you can buy tools for almost any industry.

You can use these tools as your own and put them on your site with a few clicks of a button.

Just head over to Code Canyon and perform some searches. You’ll quickly find some tools that can work for you.

Keep in mind that these tools won’t be 100% perfect compared to building your own tool. But that’s ok, you have to start somewhere. Plus, people will still link to your tool even if it isn’t perfect.

Conclusion

I know some of the tactics I mentioned above won’t drive you thousands of visitors right away but they can drive you hundreds. And hundreds of visitors is a great place to start!

And when you combine them over time, it will help you get thousands of visitors. You just have to be willing to perform all of the steps in each week… no matter how silly the tactic may appear.

More importantly, the tactics I broke down above will drive you visitors that convert into customers and leads. All you have to do is take the next 12 weeks and follow them.

It may seem like a lot of work at first, but you’ll get faster at them as time goes on.

So, what do you think about the tactics above? Are you already using them?

The post How to Drive Traffic to a Brand-New Site with Little to No Money appeared first on Neil Patel.

How to Drive Traffic to a Brand-New Site with Little to No Money

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Interview: Todd Smith on Earning $27M Over 23 Years & His Book Little Things Matter

I was about to sit down and do another deal structure outline, and I thought it would be best, given the time of year, to do one more article that addresses sort of that inner game that is required to have success in any business. Ill get back to deal structuring topics in the coming articles. I had the fortune of interviewing a good friend recently on my podcast. Todd Smith from Sarasota, Florida has been an entrepreneur for over 35 years and has enjoyed extraordinary personal and professional success. He owned his first business at the age of 18, became one of the youngest real estate agents ever inducted into RE/MAXs Hall of Fame at the age of 28, and became an internationally recognized leader and trainer, earningget this$27 million over the last 23 years in that industry. I met Todd at an industry meeting way back in the early 90s and weve stayed connected since. Todd has conducted more than a thousand training sessions and seminars for audiences around the world. Hes also developed numerous training manuals and audio-visual sales tools, teaching entrepreneurs how to achieve professional success and accomplish their personal goals. His journey taught him that success comes from the compounding effect of doing the little things correctly and consistently. Hes the author, quite appropriately, of Little Things Matter. Its a resource for all those who place a priority on being the best they can. Its the first step in a comprehensive program designed to help people improve their business and their personal lives. Ill let you sit in on this interview as Todd shares some amazing nuggets. Remember, those you listen to, hang out with, and network with are extremely important and directly affect your income. Advice on Success From Todd Smith I wrote Little Things Matter because one of the things that my lifes journey has taught me is that its not the big things that separate the best of the best from the rest. Its the little things. Reflecting back on my real estate career, I got started at age 23 in my first year selling real estate, and that was 32 years ago. I made a quarter of a million dollars, and within four years, I was the second-highest producing real estate agent in the state of Illinois at age of 28. I did set goals, but it wasnt that I had a dream of being a top-producing real estate agent. It was all the little things that I did to stand out from the rest as an individual. The little things were making sure that I arrived at all of my appointments five minutes earlythat I rang the doorbell at the exact time of the appointment, that I smiled and greeted the prospective seller, that I made equal eye contact with both the husband and the wife, that I showed an interest in the children, that I got down and took time to pet the cats and dogs, that I talked about things that were of interest to them. I sent hand-written thank you notes. I was always smiling and upbeat and pleasant and focused on them, and I never brought in my mobile phone. I focused on the people in front of me. One of my biggest things was that I was disciplined. I pushed myself every day to do what most people arent willing to do. My discipline combined with my focus on making sure that I was doing every little thing allowed me to achieve that success. I remember listening to Anthony Robbins audio program Unlimited Power, which Id recommend for any of you reading this. I made sure I was mirroring and modeling. If they talked slow, Id talk slow. If they talked faster, I talked faster. If they seemed like they just want to talk and build more of relationship, I talked and built more of a relationship. If they seemed like they wanted to get into talking business, I got into talking business. If they were leaning forward, I was leaning forward. I was always dressed in a suit and tie. My shoes were always shined. I was doing every little thing to build a relationship to connect with them, to have them like me and to have them respect me. As a result of that, my closing rate was 92% over my career. When I say my closing rate, I mean that when I met with sellers who were interviewing multiple other agents, I closed 92% of all my sales. Even with that kind of success, I was saying to myself, OK, why was I successful? I didnt really understand it at the time. Even though I was intentional about the little things, I had no way of comparing myself to anybody. Then I moved into the direct sales career, as Chris indicated above, and I continued to implement that strategy of looking at every little thing I could do to be better. I believed in the global economic system, which is that income follows value.

If you want your income to grow, your value must grow first. Very seldom in life does anybody get paid more than their value. If they are getting paid more than their value, one of two things happens. Either their income comes down to their value or their value goes up to their income. Just because youre choosing the real estate market and maybe flipping homes, or buying and selling on terms like Chris and his family to some capacityor youre considering doing thatunderstand that your success is still going to be determined by your value. Youre just not going to say, OK, Im choosing to do something different with my life and Im going to go from making $20 an hour to $100 an hour. Life doesnt work that way. Certainly, the vehicle makes a big difference, but its who you become within that vehicle that makes the biggest difference. There are people who make big money in everything in life. Its all about choosing the right vehicle and pursuing that. The point that I really focused on was continuing to grow myself and be the best that I could be. When I say the best that I could be, its not just the best that I could be in business. Its being the best person I can be. We cant just say, OK, were going to be a certain way in our business life and then be different in our personal life. Im striving to be the best husband I can be, to be the best father I can be, to be the best friend I can be, to be the best contributor in our community that I can be, and to be the best that I can be in my business. These things are based upon where my priorities are and how much time I allocate to each thing. In business, we are a reflection of who we are as people. We built a brand for ourselves, and thats who we are. Our brand is not just heres our business brand, and our business brand is different than our personal brand. No, our brand is more than brand. I am somebody who throughout my career has striven for excellence at these little things. As a result of it, my businesses have sold over $2 billion and Ive learned that there are not very many people at the top. The reason is that most people arent willing to put in the effort to get to the top. Oftentimes when youre successful, you dont know why at the time. As I began to analyze why I was successful, I eventually came to determine that it was because I strived for excellence at the little things. I felt I wanted to write a booknot so much to make money with the book (and I havent made money with the book). You dont write a book to make money; I know very few people who have made money writing books. For me, I wanted to write a book that taught what I believed was the key to success. I wanted to highlight the things that I felt would have the greatest application to the broadest audience of people. Related: My One-Word Answer to: What Separates Those Who Succeed From Those Who Fail, Give Up, or Never Try? It doesnt matter what profession youre in. It could be about professional footballits that wide receiver that can catch the ball with a defensive player in his face on a corner of the end zone and get his feet in bounds. Those are the guys who make it to the NFL. Its not the guy who can catch a football. Everybody can catch a football. Everybody can run. Everybody can run fast. There are a lot of people who can run fast and catch a football, but can you run fast and catch a football in the right circumstances, and handle pressure the right way? Its not the big things, and I could give you analogy after analogy. Its not the big things that make the difference. Its you becoming the best at what you are doing. You become the best at what youre doing by honing in and refining and becoming the best at the little things. If you become great at all of the little things, the compounding effect of your intentional efforts allows you to become the best at what youre doing. 5 Steps Ive Used to Find to Success I have trained hundreds of thousands of people, and Ill tell you that everybody wants a better life. Everybody wants a nicer car. Everybody wants a nicer house. Everybody wants more money. Everybody wants to travel the world. Everybody wants a better quality of life. Everybody wants to put together five deals in six months. It all boils down towhat are you willing to do toachieve that goal? But youve got to set realistic goals. I have found throughout my experience in working with entrepreneurs all over the world that 90 percent of people set unrealistic goals. As I noted above, somebodys making $20 an hour, and just because they begin to do something else, they think theyre going to make $100 an hour. It doesnt work that way. The world doesnt work that way. Thats pie-in-the-sky thinking. For anybody that wants to do something, its most important to begin by asking yourself, Why? Why do I want to do this? How bad is my desire? Because if you dont have the burning desire to be successful with anything youre going to pursue, youre not going to be successful. To be successful in life is not easy. I believe you can be great at anything, but you cant be great at everything. You have to pick what youre going to be focused onwhat youre going to be successful at. 1. Have a burning desire. Youve got to have a strong, burning desire to be successfula desire so strong that it will push you every day to do what is required of you. If youre not willing to do what is required of you, then you might as well not even get started. This is how I coach everybody. Im just not the kind of person who plays games. I say, Hey, if youre not going to do whats required of you to be successful, then dont waste your life on this project; find something else thats important to you. 2. Build your knowledge. How can you be successful at something for which you dont have knowledge? So you say, OK, how do I build my knowledge? How do I become as educated as I can be on this subject? Obviously, I admire all of you who are taking the time to read this, because it tells me that youre wanting to learn. Youre wanting to get better. I talked to a guy recently who is at the absolute top of his game. He is unbelievably successful and listens to all of Chriss podcasts at 1.7 speed, just looking for a little nugget here and there. He says, Hey, 99 percent of the time that I spend listening to something, I may not be learning anything, but its that 1%, that one thing that I learned, that makes a difference. You have to continue to build your knowledge. You have to start building your knowledge, and then you have to continue building your knowledge. 3. Create a plan. OK, so now I know what I want to be successful at. I built my knowledge and whats my plan going to be? Your plan needs to be not just the big picture plan, but it needs to be a plan broken down into what you should do every day. A lot of people will set a goal to have six deals closed, but they dont build their knowledge. They dont have any plan. Theyre just saying, Im going to do it. Life doesnt work that way, and thats not the kind of thinking that comes out of anybodys mouth or mind whos ever been successful, because people who have been successful know that success takes time. Success doesnt happen overnight. Yes, there are a few people who will put together six deals in six months. Nobody wouldve thought that I would have had the success that I did selling 68 homes in my first year in real estate and making a quarter of a million dollars. Yes, it can be done, but it can only be done if you build your knowledge and you have a plan. 4. Execute that plan. Let me just say that most people dont have enough of a desire to push themselves, so most people fail on step one. Of those who do have the desire, very few people will go and say, OK, let me build my knowledge on something. Then you get down to a smaller number that will put together a plan to execute in order to achieve what they have set forth. When you get to step fourexecuting the planthis is where youre down to less than 2% of the people that have gone through the first few points and who are disciplined to execute that plan with excellence. 5. Refine. Based upon what you have learned, youre refining, youre tracking all your numbers, youre looking at all your data, and youre determining: Where do I refine? How do I get better? What is not working? What parts should I focus on that are working? I determined very early on in my real estate career that I was going to focus on for sale by owners. That was my target market. I was very clear on my target market, and I determined I was going to be the best at targeting that market. For each of you reading this, what is your target market? Youre going to try different things and youre going to say, Well, that didnt work. You dont want to say it after trying it one or two times. You have to have enough statistical data to say that something doesnt work. I called my first for sale by owner and they agreed to meet with me. What if my first 10 people had said, No, the reason were selling for sale by owner is because we hate real estate agents? What would that have done to my psyche? But overall, the numbers were what my numbers were regardless of 10 noes in a row or 10 yeses in a row. Expectations begin with goal-setting, and goal-setting is dependent on ones true desire. You can set goals until youre blue in the face. If your desire is not strong enough, youre not going to do whats required of you to achieve those goals. If somebody has got big goals and big expectations, then I hope its a person whos already been successful at something else in life. If this is the first thing youre hoping to be successful in at an extraordinary level, its highly unlikely that its going to happen, whether its this or something else. How many times have you met somebody who began to do something new and who was amazingly great at it right out of the gate? I cant even think of one person, and I know a lot of people. Thats why I say the best of the best are the best at the little things, and the people who are the top achievers are the people who are an inch wide and a mile deep in a single category. As Malcolm Gladwell said in Tipping Point, its when youve got 10,000 hours in something. Thats because youve learned enough, youve refined enough, youve executed enough, and you now are dialed into exactly what it is that you should be doing to get the optimal level of conversions and success. Ive hung out with Chris, for example, and I know the level of discipline he has in all five of these areas; I know the hours he has invested since 1991 in real estate, and as a result, the level of success he and his family are experiencing is no surprise to me. Success leaves cluesfollow the path.

Build Your Influence: Be Likable and Respectable Lets begin at the beginningthe foundation. John Maxwell says that leadership is one word: influence. If I were to ask, What describes influence? the answer would be respect. If you are respected, you have influence. When you have influence, everything in life goes better. Trust falls under respect. You can be trusted but not respected. But you cant be respected and not trusted. If youre not trusted, youre not respected either. Whether youre leading people that work with you, work around you, or work alongside you, your degree of success with them is determined by how these people view you. If you want to have the ultimate success, you want to be the kind of person that people look at and think, I like him/I like her, and I respect him/I respect her. You want to build a brand that when people think of it, they say, I like you and I respect you. If people can say, I like you and I respect you, they will want to do business with you. They will want to come to your birthday party. They will want to come to the talk youre giving about what youre doing. Your ultimate goal is to be a person of influence. If you want to be a person of influence where doors of opportunity open, where people look at you and say, I want to do business with you, where people refer others to you, you need to be somebody who is liked and respected. When you look at being liked, its all the obvious things: smiling, having a pleasant personality, being positive and upbeat, not talking about negative things, not talking negatively about peoplebeing a source of positive, upbeat energy. Whether its over the phone and youre smiling while you talk, or whether youre meeting with somebody and youre smiling, and youre greeting them, and youre repeating their name, all of this is what makes you likable. There are hundreds of factors that influence peoples respect for you. Are you on time? Do you get back to people when you say you will? Do you schedule firm appointments or do you leave them vague and open? What does your communication look like? Do you open your emails by saying, Hi Dean, I hope you had a great weekend? And then you dive into your subject in a new paragraph, and you have white space between your paragraphs, no big monster paragraphs, and everything is proofed and your communication is clear and concise. What do your text messages look like? How long does it take to respond to email? How long does it take you to respond to a phone call? How long does it take you to respond to a text? What is the tone in your communications? These are the hundreds of things that I talk about in my blog and in my book. When youre meeting with somebody do you let them finish talking before you talk? Are you quick to interrupt? When youre listening to people, can they tell youre listening intently or do they think youre waiting to say something? When youre listening and looking at them, are you looking off to the side? All of these things influence peoples respect for you and influence whether they like you. Related: Sorry, But Real Estate Investing is NOT Easy. Still, You Can Succeed if If you want to be somebody that is highly successful in working with people, sellers, buyers, owners, you need to build a brand for yourself such that when people think of you and when they look at you they think, I like him. He is different. I like her. I like the way she accepted responsibility for that challenge rather than making an excuse for it. Or, Even though this was a challenging situation, I respected that he always was on top of his communication with me. I would love to do another deal with him, or I certainly would not hesitate to refer any of my investor friends to her because of the way she handled herself during this entire transaction. Its not just about getting the deal put together, so to speak. Its about how you handle everything from front to finish, and whether they want to do more business with you, and have talked about you to their investment clubs, and talked about you to their friends. People hang around people like themselves. People who own apartment buildings hang around other people who own apartment buildings. People who own multiple pieces of residential real estate hang around other people who own multiple pieces of residential real estate. If you want to be highly successful in this career over the long-term, these are the kinds of things you want to do. And by the way, long-term is how I would be looking at it. This is not a six-month or one-year thing. Dont waste your time if thats what youre thinking. You wont be successful in anything saying, Im going to do this for six months to a year. You have to say, Hey, this is what I want to do. I would love to build this into my lifestyle. I would love to be a guy or a gal that can put together deals and make an income and build a residual income through investment properties. Im going to become the best that I can be at this. What can I do to become the best? You have to look at everything, including your social media posts. Who is going to refer you to some of these people? Maybe its the people who are following you on Facebook. Youre putting pictures of yourself up there partying. Let me tell you, that is not the image thats will cause people to respect you or even like you, so youve got to be thinking about everything. Your brand is your brand. You dont separate it. Its not like, My brand in business is this and my brand in my personal life is that. No, your brand is your brand and people arent stupid. If you think theyre stupid, youre wrong. Theyre going to see it, and theyre going to determine whether or not youre somebody they want to do business with. Maybe somebody comes to them and says, Hey, do you know Eric Milander? Yeah, I know Eric. What do you think about Eric? Im thinking about doing a deal with him. Well, I wouldnt do a deal with Eric if my life depended on it, or Eric is somebody that I really like. Hes a great guy. I love his personality. He just seems to always show interest in me. Hes a good listener. Hes highly responsible. Everybody that I know that knows him thinks highly of him. This is the brand that you want to build if you want to be successful in the world of busines. Especially if you want people to trust you with their money and their real estate, it is important to build this kind of a brand. Plan, Prioritize, and ActDaily Have a to-do list. I know what I need to do so the day is spent doing one thing. While I could have 20 other things on my to-do-list checked off in the same amount of time, those 20 things werent more important than the one thing I did. Going back to my five steps to success above, number three is you put together your plan. Your plan must be broken down into what youre supposed to do every day, and your plan needs to be arranged in priority sequence. If youve got a plan, ask, What are the things that I need to work on first in this plan? What are the things I need to work on second? Then you need to make the decision, Im going to work on things in priority sequence, not Im going to work on things that I want to work on. The things that you dont want to do are the things that make you the most money. Thats how life works. Thats why I say of the thousand little things on my list, not one has a higher value to the market than discipline. Discipline is pushing yourself each day to do what you know you should do even when you dont feel like doing it. If you want to be successfuland this is number one on my listyouve got to put first things first. You have to make sure youre spending your time doing exactly what you predetermined you should be doing with your time today to be productive. It might mean that youre sitting there with your phone in your ear and youre making outgoing calls because you determined right now the absolute most important thing for you to achieve your goals is to prospect. If thats the case, then you stick the phone to your ear and you prospect.

I remember when I was getting started in my various careers, where I would sit at the phone all day and prospect. I remember there were days I made up to 300 phone calls. Why? Because that was what I should do today. I didnt sit there and say, Oh, Im going to redesign my brochure or Im going to make my website look better or Im going to make my business card look better. Im going to think through my presentation again, or Im going to work on my phone script. No, it was me picking up the phone with my heart beating out of my chest, making phone call after phone call after phone call after phone call. It was refining my approach. When people didnt do business with me, I always asked them why and I learned a lot by asking them why. Number two for being productive is working your to-do-list in priority sequence and pushing yourself to do the things that you know you should do without excuses and without justifying those excuses. You could say to yourself, Todays not a good day for me to make prospecting calls because its cloudy, or today is not a good day for me to make prospecting calls because Im a little tired. Im going to wait until tomorrow. This is what everybody says. This is what 99.9% of the people do. They make excuses for not doing what they know they should do, whether its eating right, whether its exercising, whether its prospecting. Whatever it is they know they should do, most people dont do itand thats why most people arent successful. You have to have a plan. That plan needs to be broken down into what you should be doing each day. You need to be executing that plan each day with excellence. You need to be looking at everything youre doing each day and saying, How can I do what Im doing better? and then making adjustments. As Chris indicated in the introduction, its the compounding effect of these little things. The first time youre focused on making equal eye contact with each person in the room, you may not be great at it, but if you work on it every time youre in a room of people, youre going to get a little bit better every time. Each time youre in a room like that youre saying to yourself, OK, Im going to be very deliberate in making sure everybody in this room feels included in the conversation. We all know we should remember names, but how many times do we remember a persons name? Its about being in the present. Its about being intentional, Im meeting somebody. I need to make sure I remember their name. Oh shoot, I forgot their name. Well, I have to get better tomorrow. Its about every day, pushing yourself to get better at the things that you know you should be doing. TakeawaysThe little things are the small, meaningful actions that make your clients like and respect you.Income follows value: You have to create higher value before you can create higher income.The five steps to success are: (1) Have a burning desire, (2) Build your knowledge, (3) Create a plan, (4) Execute the plan, (5) Refine.Success comes after a lot of hours!Each day make a to-do list with the one important thing you need to do.Dont procrastinate; do it even if you dont like it. The things that you dont want to do are the things that make you the most money.

What little things do you do to differentiate yourself in your market? Leave your questions and comments below! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/todd-smith-interview