#because I can see where movie watchers get that impression

[martinskis-lydias]

If someone tells me they like Snape (as a person) and he wasn’t a bad person and was redeemable blah blah blah I will never fully trust that person

[impossiblepluto]

In honor of Star Wars Day, I thought I'd share the opening lines from a long abandoned project that I still secretly hope to finish some day.

There’s a pit of dread in Jack’s stomach. A familiar knot coiling as he watches the kid’s curiosity get the better of him and Jack can’t help but sigh. He’s not being reckless, that’s disingenuous. The kid is good. And he’s grown up quite a bit since he was a nineteen year old in the desert, mouthing off and looking for a fight. 

Fighting a war, watching a mentor die by enemy hands, losing a father makes you grow up quick. He’s come into his own as a tactician and leader. Still, despite his accomplishments and accolades, he needs someone watching his back when he forgets to do it. 

“I’ll see you shortly. There’s a meteor that hit the ground near here, I want to check it out,” the kid says through comms.

Jack shifts, the coil of anxiety growing. Shouldn’t let him go scampering off alone. He scans the inhospitable terrain. There’s something out there that they can't see. Something hunting them. Waiting to strike.

“Watch it, kid,” Jack mumbles, eyes narrowing as though he can stop what’s about to happen, though he knows it’s part of the catalyst kicking off the rest of the plot. 

Mac’s lips twitch into a small grin at the words that escape Jack’s lips. 

Jack rolls his eyes, but lets Mac’s have his mirth before turning his focus back to the screen in front of him. Waiting. Watching. Jack's eagle eyes never catch sight of it until it’s on top of the kid. With a roar that still gives Jack chills, the massive paw swipes down, claws extended, striking the kid. 

The vicious beast towers over unconscious Luke Skywalker, collapsed in the snow, face bloodied. 

And Han Solo, watcher of Luke’s back, has no idea of the danger his friend is in, and heads back to the safety of the Echo base on the ice planet Hoth. 

Jack’s jaw clenches as he watches the screen. 

Mac chucks a piece of popcorn at him, still chuckling at Jack’s dramatic reaction to the attack. “How many times have you seen this movie?”

“Couple dozen at least,” Jack shrugs. 

“That seems generously low. But you still jump every time the Wampa attacks.”

“Think I saw it eight times when it was in theaters.”

“Weren’t you like five when it came out?”

“It made an impression.”

“Not that much of an impression because you jump at this part every time.” 

“It’s not a jump. It’s more of a... flinch.”

Mac raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’s any better.”

“Nah, a jump is a jump and a flinch is a flinch and there’s some overlap but there’s a nuanced difference here.”

Mac’s eyebrows creep higher.

“It’s not a startled flinch, everybody knows the Wampa is there, even if they search frame by frame and can’t find him-"

"Which you've done."

"-camouflaged in the snow waiting to attack. It’s a… concerned flinch. An oh-no-Luke-is-hurt-flinch. What’s gonna happen to him now? All alone without his team.” 

“But you know what happens.”

“Han and Leia don’t. Chewie and the droids don’t. No one even knows Luke is missing yet. No one knows he’s in danger.”

"Han finds him." Mac hums picking up another handful of popcorn, studying the kernels. 

"Of course he does. Ain't no world where Han doesn't come back for Luke. I mean, except when he's frozen in carbonite but then Luke comes for him."

Mac hums picking up another handful of popcorn, studying the kernels.

“You-” Jack swallows. “You want to talk about it?”

“The movie?”

“The movie. Penny’s Halloween party. Your impromptu trip to Texas.” Jack looks at Mac out of the corner of his eye. 

“I think we’ve probably discussed everything Star Wars already, unless you want to lose the Ewok debate again.”

“First of all, I did not lose that debate-”

“Yeah, I think you did-” Jack scowls. “And second, let’s save it for when we get to Jedi so I can pause it to have visuals for my arguments.”

[argentnoelle]

Joker 2 was really well done (kind of reminded me of bicycle thieves) and I liked it without liking it? if that makes sense? It was really glum the whole way through & I thought the songs—except for the last song—could be better. (the last song, where he sang to Harley through the phone, but she didn't pick up, absolutely awesome). I did hope there would be more dancing than there was and am not a huge courtroom drama fan. But it was a really tightly-written movie that knew exactly what it was doing the whole time & did it well, + continued his character arc in a way that made sense, + he finally got to "speak for himself" at the end after spending the entire first part of the movie caught between people who are insisting either that he wasn't responsible for his own actions/completely making up issues he doesn't have or trying to paint him as "Joker (the concept)" which is actually not something a real person can be, because it was a collective fantasy made up by the public after they saw what he did on the Murray show.

Ironically enough not only a good take on Arthur Fleck, but a good, nuanced take on Joker (the comic book character) that gets into his relationship with his stage persona + sense of guilt (reminds me of the comic where, after killing Robin, Joker spends an unspecified amount of time holed up in a dingy apartment having nightmares and only decides to "play" Joker again when he sees another guy being a copycat and "stealing his act"). (other notable Joker comics it brings to mind: Going Sane; also, It's Joker Time! [premise of It's Joker Time is Joker horrifically treated in Arkham, ends up getting kidnapped to a reality TV show, gives clues so Batman can save him, and Batman finds the clues/saves him while *still not realizing* that Joker isn't there of his free will/isn't plotting/isn't in control.) that's the entire thing with Joker! Even for comic book Joker, he has a stage persona! He constantly tries to convince everyone else that he's far more one-note/cohesive/pure ideology than he actually is! He'd rather be a story full of fear, a monster, than face up to his own humanity. So yeah, once Arthur faces up to himself, he *can't be* Joker anymore. By definition. Even for (comic book) Joker, The Joker is a coping mechanism & an act he's selling. So yeah, while Joker 1 didn't have much "Joker" in it, I felt like Joker 2 actually had *so much* Joker in it.

Also really respect the portrayal of Harley! It called back to her original BTAS origin and took a distinct look at how she relates to him/why she fell love with him (there's literally a comic where Joker is "cured" and Harley hates the un-Joker him so much she comes up with supervillain plans to trick him into becoming Joker again.)

The saddest part is that [spoiler] since Arthur is now dead I can't see what kind of Batman & Joker movie the director would've made. I mean, it wouldn't have worked anyway with the realist direction of this universe, no "Batman"/Batman comics-verse so you don't get the cyclical nature that underpins Batman & Joker. But. If somehow there *could've* been a Batman & Joker movie in this 'verse, I am super interested to know what it would've been like. Because I came away from the movie thinking that it actually spent a lot of time looking at the comics, at the nature of the characters and their relationships to each other, and boiling that down... it knew what it was doing! it didn't just "use the names" (which was the impression I had a bit after watching Joker 1) but actually dug into the medium, the conceit, and the idea of the characters and how we as readers/watchers relate to them. + the animated sequences! the BTAS skyline!

So I don't think I'd watch it again but I'm glad I watched it. Beautiful acting as usual, beautiful cinematography and it's always a pleasure to watch a well-made film even if it made me feel bad, you know?

[thrashdthoughts]

Longlegs (2024)

Longlegs (2024)

Rarely EVER does a movie bring me back to an overly air-conditioned, overpriced popcorn, plush but sticky seat in a movie theater for a second time. LONGLEGS required a second viewing. I saw it on Tuesday, and then the next week, I took my parents to see it while visiting. For a few minutes, I had my Mother convinced that she would see a giant spider monster movie (her favorite) until my devious bubble was busted by my Dad, who looked up a trailer.

Nicolas Cage, I remember this version of you, the you who seemed passionate in a role and to truly embrace the talent you have, you before the mid-2000s when your career started the nose-dive. Your squeaky voice, pale face, gruesome grin, and "Longlegs" persona were a slap to the face to those of us who thought we had already seen the best you had to offer. Honestly, both times I watched this movie, I literally broke out in chills and goosebumps. The moment Longlegs starts screaming in the car…..I sunk into my chair, overwhelmed. In the opening scene, where it looks like we are watching through an old home video and I get a tiny glimpse at the face behind the haunting voice, my breath caught, and I held my breath off and on as I tried to put together the bread crumbs so eloquently laid out by director Osgood Perkins.

When I first heard that Longlegs was being compared to Silence of the Lambs, I was instantly concerned. That is a big statement, like a huge statement. I almost chose Twisters that day because I was in no head space to be let down by yet another movie that didn’t hold up to the hype. The "Tomatometer" showed 62% (now at 86%), and Ebert gave it 2 ½ stars. It sounds like a "meh" movie to me, but I do adore a psychological thriller, and my curiosity about all the comments proclaiming Nicolas Cage's best performance was undeniable. And he was, indeed, undeniable. Honestly, it is nice to see him being discussed for his acting, not for his lavish lifestyle and financial ruin. I think he has something: a recognizable voice, an awkward smile, and heartthrob potential in an unconventional cult following sort of way; I've thought this since my first glimpse in "Valley Girl" as a kid. Of course, his look in this film will not rebuild the heartthrob brand, but it might help him get a few more acting gigs, and maybe this time around, he can be a little more picky about it. Perhaps it is his turn to have a career resurgence; I mean, it is totally working for Michael Keaton, so why not Nicolas Cage? Oh, and another nod to Alicia Witt, whom I haven't seen on the screen in a minute and forgot how talented that woman is. Witt is one year older than me and still looks like she is in her twenties. She was iconic in the original "Dune," "Two Weeks Notice," and everyone's favorite, "Twin Peaks." If we are talking about rekindling a cinematic love story with moviegoers, let me point out that Alicia Witt deserves that romance.

This movie could also be a career jump for the female lead, Maika Monroe, whom I had to Google after the movie because she did not look familiar at all. With good reason, she is relatively unknown on the big screen. She has a few horror movies already backing her career (It Follows, Watchers, The Guest) and another in the works; it seems she has a cult following as a "scream queen," but this is the first time I have seen her, and I was impressed. You would have to be blind to not know that Lee Harker was going to figure out all the clues; there was really no intrigue to her character in the plot line; the intrigue is in her deadpan, matter-of-fact, no-nonsense, slightly dark, intuitive, stoic demeanor. She can convey emotion without her face actually showing it, and it is unnerving. Her acting was complex in a pronounced way, which I know sounds weird, but I can't explain it any better. I was cowering in the collar of my coat, watching Harker do the FBI Agent thing, walking with her gun drawn, barely batting an eye; her messy ponytail and uneven bangs, and the suspense was flawless. Actually, it would have been flawless if it weren't for some serious breathing happening. A bit of tension left my body as I was distracted by the freakishly loud breathing, and tension is what makes or breaks a horror movie. I found it distracting, and I wanted to tell the sound editing to tone it down a bit; I get it, she is freaked out, but now my freak out is a little less because her stress breathing is so freaking loud.

While the casting of a movie is essential, people are not the only things that make a movie scary. Props, music, camera angles, and costuming must all be creepy. I was impressed with the authentic creep factor I felt while watching this movie. The movie was set in the 1990s, and a lot of detailed work was put into the props and set. Even the music was 90ish, shout out to the 70s band T. Rex. As a kid of the 80s/90s, my eyes constantly scanned the background to recognize my childhood. All the wood paneling, the picture of President Clinton, and the off coloring of some of the shots, sometimes too dark and sometimes too sepia, reminiscent of horror movies of the 90s. In this way, it really did remind me of the style of "Silence of the Lambs." I wonder what time frame the younger generation think this took place in? The clues to the time are so subtle that you almost had to live in the 90s to recognize them. The 90's fashion may be making its way back into the stores, but we will always have wood paneling upon wood paneling, corded phones on the desk, the double-layered thermal and shirt combo, and Polaroids taken by a clunky camera, not the cutesy cameras and tiny polaroid pictures of today.

Attention to detail regarding the time era was appreciated, but the view through the camera was truly spectacular. The cinematography of this movie was genuinely stunning and fascinating. At times, the viewer is watching something that resembles a home movie. At other times, the coloring and mood change, and the viewer lands in the shadows. There was an artistic vision, and it hit home with me. The camera angles told more to the story at time, in my opinion, than the script and acting. It was beautifully shot. I knew I was in for an exciting ride when the opening credits (in true 90's fashion, by the way) started. Bravo to Andres Arochi's vision. I am positive that he is why I still see glimpses of this movie in my head several weeks after seeing it.

Speaking of glimpses, evidently, some "easter eggs" are peppered throughout the movie. I've seen it twice but didn't notice most of them. I love a good easter egg hunt, and I did notice the Annabelle doll, the similarities in the settings to "Silence of the Lambs" and a butterfly poster, there was a mention of the Manson murders, a Volkswagen beetle that could have nodded to Ted Bundy, I mean, we could spend hours unpacking the potential cinematic references to all things demonic and all things serial killer. There are pages and pages of people trying to decode all the potential nods. Oz Perkins does reveal publicly to several sources that there is an abundance of hidden appearances made by the Devil throughout the movie, there is a lot of talk about it, but I think tons of people on Reddit are trying to make something bigger out of a simple movie.

And that is the gist of it. While the cinematography uses consistently lowered angles, adding complexity to the viewing, the attention to props and sets add depth, and there is no doubt that Nicolas Cage and Maiko Monroe created an uncomfortable relationship with the viewers; the reality is that the story is simple. If a psychological thriller/horror movie has too many storylines, we lose the one thing that creates fear, our imagination. My imagination still comes back to this movie, and it is awesome because that's when I knew it was worth watching on the big screen, twice.

****SPOILER ALERT***THRASH'D THOUGHTS ALTERNATIVE ENDING****

One of the most surprising moments I had was when I realized that Kiernan Shipka had a small role (that, in my opinion, should have been bigger; she freaked me the f*** out, honestly), and at the end of the movie, I was left thinking her character and her acting was sublimely underutilized. In my rewrite of this movie, I would have given her a more significant piece of the Longlegs script. She wouldn't just steal the spotlight from one scene; she would steal the whole movie. I mean, the doll doesn't die. Honestly, the whole doll aspect of the movie, trying to add some supernatural spin, was awkward. It is the one thing in the movie that I really felt should have been explored further, it was a big detail that I think was supposed to tie up loose strings and explain away trauma, but it just didn’t really make sense to me. Anyways, the doll doesn’t die, and in my opinion, this is a nod to one of my all-time favorite franchises (speaking of trying to find easter eggs), "The Omen," in which the demon wins repeatedly. Harker leaves the house with the birthday girl but not with the doll, and who better to come in at the end to pick up that doll, cradle it in her arms, kiss it on the forehead just like Longlegs, and deadpan to a very flirtatious with death camera angle with a whisper "Hail Satan." Cut! Sequel anyone? If anyone could pull off another version of the Longlegs, the once comatose Carrie with the thick accent and the Just-Happy-As Peaches attitude could.

[likesomekindofcheese]

Can I get some Modern AU Band of Brothers/Pacific Headcannons where Basilone, Manny, JP, Tatum, Evanson and Lena all live together and Easy and all the rest are their neighbors??

Alright, this took a looooong time because I am not an avid Band of Brothers/Pacific Watcher (outside what little I have watched). But I can imagine. Shout out to Fan wikis and Pirating!

TW: mentions of drinking and cheating, swearing.

They are roommates with three to a room. In fact, the Easy is down the hall of the apartment or not super long a distance away.

But you bet people are ALWAYS running out to the halls and chatting on the phones- Skype calling their friends all the time so then the neighbors run around and say "AYYYYYO!"

And you BET everyone loves to get drinks and then go to the movies or vice versa and have the time of their life!

Basilone would be the guy who pays for all the subscriptions for everyone to stream what they wanted on whatever platform. He also sometimes has small dumbass ideas like riding in grocery carts down the parking lot at 2 am. The duality of man.

Manny is quite tall so when he dries the dishes and puts them up, everyone complains because they can't quite reach the cups or plates up in the heavens. He even teases people by squatting down when they argue with him and looking them eye to eye with a sheepish grin.

JP is the one when they watch TV who won't shut up. He keeps yelling at the screen, at the characters or participants in the reality show or game ("NOOOOOOO! THAT's THE WRONG ONE! DON'T GIVE HIM THE FUCKIN' ROSE!" when it's Bachelorette night or "WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE JOYCE, YOU DUMBASS!" during the Stranger Things marathon.)

Tatum will still out of habit spend a lot of time outside jogging and doing some crossfit. Occasionally the others join him.

Eugene Roe (my personal fave) is more the quiet type who chills with his drink or snacks in the corner but will call out any BS he sees, like a protective big brother.

Eugene Sledge is more of the baby brother everyone likes to tease and take care of, but if someone needs to reason with the landlord or get rid of the opossum in the trash, he will just do it!

Meanwhile, Sledge is just a big flirt and regularly rotates between dates and girlfriends. His dating apps are constantly ringing and everyone is a touch jealous of his skills with the ladies.

Evanson always shares photos of his hometown of Spokane, from the old bridge to the "Trash goat": a goat statue that sucks up trash when you put it to the goat's mouth! But he also helps organize the chore chart and insists his roommates stick with it. He is also notably the only one that doesn't join the others for jogging or workouts, preferring to sleep in.

As for Lena, she would host all sorts of cookouts and dinner parties. But God helps you if you invite her over. She's hard to impress and will send the most scathing DMS to the other members. But she can regularly be found on her peaceful table or balcony on mornings, sipping her French pressed coffee beneath a blanket to guard the chill and smiling at the serenity.

Also, everyone gathers up with filming phones and popcorn when Vera discovers what happened in Melbourne and that Leckie had a side chick there. She flat out goes over, confronts him, kicks his ass, and slashes his car, dumping him on the spot and walking away. The company turns away Leckie's pleas for help and roots her on.

Alright, I hope you like it! Though, no, I have decided I won't take requests anymore for The Pacific or Band of Brothers but I can ask for bloggers who still do!

[lemon-inferno]

Encyclopedia of Useless Facts on Unbelievable Human Beings episode 1 ✔️

I watched it late last night and I was too tired to write about it immediately. It was about 1 hour and 43 minutes long, there's a lot to unpack there, if you wish to go into details (which I won't). I just want to talk about the impressions it left on me and how I feel about it.

It's a show for nerds (so perfect for me). When I first heard the topic of the episode I thoguht it was a little silly, not at all what I was expecting to see in this show. Their conversations however took me by surprise, because I was enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I never knew that watching six people talk could be so entertaining that it didn't lose my interest even once for the entire lenght of the episode. Granted, they're all incredibly intelligent individuals and have achieved a lot in their respective fields.

Now onto brief info about the show:

⚠️ Spoiler alert. ⚠️

This is a show where six people all from different fields are gathered, given a topic which they then discuss, and all you have to do it sit and watch. How fascinating. The people in question are a musician (RM), a film director (Jang Hang Joon), a novelist (Kim Young Ha), a physicist (Kim Sang Wook), a forensic scientist (Lee Ho) and an astronomer (Shim Chae Kyung).

The first episodes's topic was "The person you want to hire as a main character, if you make a movie out of the subject (the character)." The people discussed were MiMi Aung, a NASA scientists, present by the astronomer Shim Chae Kyung. Hong Gil Dong, a historical figure that was ficitonalized by many movies and tv series, presented by the novelist Kim Young Ha. Last but not least, Charles Darwin presented by the physicist Kim Sang Wook.

On a first glance, it might not seem like something incredibly interesting. In fact, it may seem boring. It's anything but, to me. First of all, they discuss three wildily different individuals. It's incredible to see how one conversation turns around to the other, the way they personally view things. It's interesting to see the choice they all made to present these figures. It's a thought-provoking and educational show that I really enjoyed and hope I will continue to enjoy.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

To some degree, I'm angry at myself I didn't know about this show before (as in its previous seasons and variants), because I've always been interested in shows like this one. It's one of the biggest reasons why I've been studying Korean really hard. These kind of shows don't often get translated. (Yes, unless the show in on netflix, I'm a pirate watcher.) If they do, there's episodes missing or entire seasons. I can't blame people for not translating them, because it's 1) a lot of work and 2) they already do other translations out of the goodness of their heart for no profit and that alone is something we should be incredibly grateful for. I've seen so many not popular shows that seem so interesting to me, but they're not translated. I watch a couple without subtitles, but I'm far from fluent. Without subtitles I get lost, I repeat a few seconds scene a few times, because I can't grasp it. It makes their already long episodes even longer for me. Sometimes it takes me 3 to 4 days to get through a not translated episode. Okay, I want off here. I'm sorry. Let's continue with the other show.

So yes, I loved this. I can't believe they spent more than 11 hours just talking about things, but at the same time I can. For a hungry mind, there's probably nothing better to do. I wish I could take part in the conversations. I was sitting in my room, watching and I kept talking at my screen. People who know me, know that I have a lot of interests in many things. To me, to have such an experience, to just be able to sit in a room with incredible people and talk, honestly it's like a wet dream.

I'm curious though, are all episodes going to be this long or was this one nearly 2 hours because it's the first one? I don't mind if they do stay long, I'm just curious.

Also I cannot wait for the topic of next episode! I'm not into romance or a romantic person, but when it's these people talking I'm so interested in what they have to say and how they feel about it. It's truly fascinating.

Note: I did listen to '"Indigo" and I was going to write about it, but after finishing the entire album I realized there's no need to. I was never one to analyze music like this anyways. Plus it's Namjoon's music exhibition and he's doing a great job explaining it himself. I just wanted to mention that, unsurprisingly, my favorite songs are Closer, Wild Flower and Forg_tful.

[lonespektr]

Oct 16th The people under the stairs

This is a classic horror some might say a black classic that I missed growing up I didn't miss it I was aware of it but I never saw it

It is was craven

I knew my man's was a main character which is another weird reason why I never watched it

This Lil man was a legend

Long tarot reading

Gentrification

Triple 3 days late Wild kill that landlord mf right now

Damn why they mean to the child too

Heavy on the drama with the evil landlord but I feel it

Dang Ving being abusive ass

Lol treasure map

This is hilarious

Gold lol

Fool

Abusive mom

Not the girl feeding zombies

Not the n word

Omg boyscoout lolz not a whole costume

This is already so extra

Cerebral palsy omg

Another disguise

Lol legal right to come in

Xray eyeballs

Voo doo dolls?

Too old to get tit too young to get ass 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Rot!! The bad doggie of the day

Lol audio recording esque how can I help you

Interesting effect

I ain't stupid

I appreciate them stating flat out this may be a horror movie but I'm not white I'm outta hear

Locked in na

I'm clearly supposed to know what that film is but I don't

Already got

Got it

Not too worried about spence

Who you calling a theif? You young man are the theif

Ambush

Who are you avid TV watcher

They all look white

She back already

They parked in the drive???

2 adults

Just because a man is lying on the floor doesn't mean he is dead 😂

Size of Detroit 🤣🤣🤣

Kid just got FRIGGIN zapped

Dog did not want the kid

Bruh fool is bleeding

Everything on auto these people rich AF

With a laser scope

Damn what year is this???

Run fool

At least he gave a shit about the kid in the end

WTF puppets and candles

Casper the friendly zombies??

That's outside not in here

Lol fair point

He said nah I'm a whole other thing

Not a gimp suit

A very on the nose police assuring the safety of white mass murders while ignoring black children screams

He got dressed so fast to see the police

Just the assumption that the black child is after alice

FULL home alone hijinks

I recognize roach as well

He's still actually working at lot still

Full crackpot

Boil bath

Death sluge pit

It is all white dudes failed boy child's

Not magical white boy, that's first time in a horror movie ever seen a white kid die for a black kid might be the first time ever

Lol dick punch

More Christian imagery

They are so unstable it's a wonder they run anything

What the fuck murder house

Is that a hit wall of the tenants

This man have a beyonette?

They really have a child wrestling a dog

Is this a Jim Carrey impression

How could he get down stairs so fast

Brother and sister

Bruh you going back just call the police

Set it on fire so they have to come out

Why would the whole damn department

That's an obvs kids room

Bruh they are clearly suspect, that's the white supremacy angle that's Jeffrey dhamer

They're he is,

I thought he would have tried to get her out While the police were there due to the commotion like... They had to entertain the cops, that was the moment

Very home alone

Was that a blooper they left in?

Only direct reference to sexual assault

Broken glass and rocks??? Unhinged

Fool is on a mission now

I thought the girl could get out I thought that was the point

Sis?

Oooo I was right

They did mention the flash lights

Lol that's gramps

"there's no community here"

Not dropping from the ceiling

Pobrecito keep getting dragged

They changed their minds about fool?

Kid said look I'm a professional

That's scrooge mcduck status

What about the entire community

That was dumb they should have come up with a better way to do that

People finally came out from under the stairs

Where daddy

That's an old camera tirck but a excellent one

Not a whole skellington, 🤣🤣

Don't be crazy now isn't the thing to say

I don't like you much any way

F bomb

Bruh the lost boys in the house you in the house

He didn't actually know his sister was in the house and he assumed she got out

Money parade for the hood

Lol lost boys dipped they need medical attention

instant classic

EPIC

[lefthandofscaevola]

And another reason why reducing the judgement of stories to the sole metric of representation is flawed is that diversity in the stories we tell refers to the culture’s total corpus, not particular books. You can say more such-and-such voices should be present in the mainstream but I can’t think of a single example of an individual piece of media owing you particular representation. Sorry to dig up the silliest possible stale discourse generators but, for instance, Dear Evan Hansen didn’t really include black stories because it was a limited cast and fundamentally a story about class difference across primarily white suburban America. Good Omens didn’t include the two men making out because that’s not the story, and there are other places for keen readers and watchers to find more overt and more authentic depictions of men making out. It’s not really a valid comparison to fiction, but when we read Caesar’s Bellum Gallicum we get a coloniser perspective, and when we read Fanon we get a colonised perspective, and neither would be more useful to us for including another side; the important thing is that neither of those texts, and indeed no texts, are suppressed by institutional means.*

Should there be more black stories on Broadway and more men making out on whatever streaming service Good Omens is on? Sure. This by no means says that the default should be white and straight. But if your aim is to change what kind of representation there is overall, as a consumer, it’s much more useful to read or watch what you want to see and ignore what you don’t than read or watch a thing you take issue with, then go online to complain until the creator shoehorns some concession into the sequel. And that’s not even limited to a matter of how we treat art; if you support work with particular social or political messaging, I think more minds would be changed by a media landscape with open availability of work where that messaging is a central intention than one where Marvel can pump any out any number of movies with stickers that say PROGRESSIVE! on them, stripping the message of its meaning and drowning out genuine voices. This feeds back into a capitalist system which has become one of the institutions of censorship under the guise of freedom. It also eats away at the public’s ability to distinguish real intention from the Man in a new coat.

There’s a place for exhaustive and maximally inoffensive representation, and that place is primarily children’s literature. And posters in the doctor’s office. It’s great to have positive examples when you are trying to form someone’s impression about how society should be, and people should get along, etc. But to say that adults are so lacking in the critical thinking to make their own judgements about what is being shown to them is not only infantilising, it also atrophies their ability to use that critical thinking.

Representation is important, but if interpreted the wrong way, just becomes another form of sanitation, the left’s favourite gateway to suppression of art. And ultimately, characters aren’t people, they’re devices for a narrative, and most good narratives are tightly enough built that they don’t have spare parts hanging out the sides just for the sake of being there. When we look at great or important works of literature, many (though not all) of them are very narrow, because the point of a lot of literature is to depict a very specific experience/worldview. The privilege that we have as people living in a very globalised society is getting access to all of those stories at once; but when we talk about representation, it should never be a question of how a certain artist makes their own work, but rather that there is maximal opportunity for diversity of work and of creators in the relevant industries.

*And when I say institutional means I mean: banned by state, discrimination in Hollywood and the publishing industry, out-monopolisation to death by corporations, and removal from libraries, the internet, or optional higher education. Where the issue becomes more complex is inclusion in the inherently limited setting of school curriculums, search result ordering algorithms, etc.

[hualianff]

More Than This VI 《V》

It’s no surprise XL gains his own taste of fame after walking the red carpet with one of the most sought-after actors in the country. He doesn’t mind it, going as far as to create a few social media accounts to interact with fans and scroll through their photos and edits of him. He has a few fan sites too, but only for fancy events where he chooses to be recognized in public.

XL and HC agreed before sharing their relationship with the public that they would maintain a strong sense of privacy when it came to their personal lives. They only share what they want to. The paparazzi who manage to take photos without permission are immediately disciplined so it doesn’t happen again.

(“I can’t believe you did it.”

“Hmm, Gege said he was okay with it.”

“I know! But I didn’t expect you to actually....” XL stares at a recent selfie of them HC had posted on his Twitter, taken the night HC won his award. “We look like we just had sex.”

“Nobody’s gonna know.”

XL raises an unimpressed eyebrow at his boyfriend. HC insists again.

“Nobody’s gonna know-”

“They’re gonna know,” XL says with a sigh, pointing to the hickey marks clearly visible on the photo. HC rolls over closer to XL in their bed, scrutinizing the image on XL’s phone.

“Oh, I didn’t see those when I posted the photo.”

“San Laaang!” XL cries, pushing at the taller man’s shoulder before burying his face into his pillow. HC makes XL breakfast in bed as an apology and promises to not drunk-post anything again.)

Eight months after officially dating–which is over two years since they met–HC asks XL to move in with him. XL doesn’t even need to think about his answer, a simple “Yes! Yes please!” escaping his lips. Both HC and XL’s faces light up with overjoyed smiles.

They seem to have had the same idea about where to live, purchasing a home they’ve been eyeing for months! The best aspects include a massive yard (front, side, and back) for XL to tend to, a hot tub, and a spacious living and dining room area to entertain guests. It’s not the grandest or most impressive residence by size or feature. In fact, the first months have them living in a half-finished, rusty house with the prettiest garden you’ve ever seen.

It gradually gets better. HC and XL knew they would have to do a lot of work to improve the shape of their home. Over the next year, they repair and remodel the house themselves, simultaneously adding value to the property and curating the style to fit their dream home. XL makes sure to post progress photos on his social media. His most recent selfie of HC and himself in hardware glasses got over 500k likes! He pinned HC’s comment that said, “Gege is my own very handyman!”

(HC, in a sleeveless tee, shorts that show off his ass, hair pulled back into a high bun: “Gege, you’re the boss now. Tell me what to do.”

XL, struggling not to gawk at HC’s side boobs: “O-okay, first, can you smash those cabinets-”

Cue them making out against the counter when it’s the only part of the kitchen that is fully done.)

***

Having a partner who considers the outdoors as a second home is a special experience. XL often takes HC on dates to national parks and plant nurseries. They go on weekend camping trips where XL teaches HC how to properly filter water, summit long stretches of terrain, and stay warm during cold nights with below-freezing temperatures.

(HC, trying to fit into XL’s sleeping bag: “Hi, gege-”

XL: “San Lang, you have your own sleeping bag that you can actually fit in.”

HC: ‘But I’m cold. Gege helps keep me warm.”

XL: “Fine. But let’s use yours because it’s bigger.”

HC, kissing XL’s forehead: “Thank you, my love.”)

On their hikes, XL points to different plants, explaining their origins and why he finds each one particularly beautiful. At first, HC picks up random flowers on the way home and then he asks XL about what flower fate gave him that day to gift his beloved. (“San Lang, that’s not allowed!”) HC eventually stores all the random facts in his mind, always eager to listen to XL talking about his passion. He also learns to keep his hands from digging up “poor, helpless plants from their home soil.”

However, this unfortunately doesn't prevent HC from accidentally squishing some plants in their yard that he thought were just weeds.

(HC, thinking he’s a good partner: “Get out, stupid weeds. CHOP CHOP!”

XL: “SAN LANG STOP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”

HC: “Gege always works so hard. I just wanted to help you in the yard today because you deserve it.” 🥺

XL: *sigh* “I appreciate the gesture, San Lang. But those particular grasses took months to grow, and you just killed them-“)

***

Countless media outlets try to stir up trouble like they typically do with celebrities. Especially when HC has roles that involve romance, articles claiming HC and XL are on the brink of breaking up receive lots of attention. However, what gains more attention are the videos the couple posts on Youtube or Instagram live of their reactions to their “scandals.”

(XL, reading a headline: “Actor bachelor Hua Cheng and co-star Yushi Huang seem to be cozying up after a late-night shoot.’”

HC: “I’m not a bachelor, the fuck?”

XL, smiling: “You could be. Me as well. We can be bachelors together.”

HC, chuckling: “All right. If gege is, then so am I.”

The comments: “That doesn’t make any sense!?”

HC, reading another headline: “HC’s lover found with a mysterious third party??”

XL, exclaiming: “Oh, that’s Shi Qingxuan! You know, the designer for all our red carpet outfits!” 🥰🥰

HC: *nodding along*

XL, cheekily: “-and my secret second-lover”

HC: *blanches* “What.”

XL: “Kidding!!!! San Lang is the only one for me, hehe.” *kisses HC’s cheek* “Okay, next one!”)

Everyone watching the videos is 50% confused and 50% entertained as HC and XL make light of any drama the media portrays them in. Viewers accept that of course, the rumors aren’t true; HC and XL are still very much in love.

They’re in love with each other and will continue falling for many years to come.

***

HC doesn’t like watching himself on screen. However, he does enjoy previewing his own movies for the first time with his boyfriend.

While XL watches the new movie, HC observes XL’s reactions. It helps that XL is a conversational movie watcher too. XL’s narrations consist of horny comments during the sexual scenes (“Ooh, that’s hot. Nice tongue.” “Thank you?”), side remarks about the plot and characters (“San Lang, your character is very rude.” “...”), and dramatic reactions to the huge reveal scenes where HC becomes a human punch bag. (“Oh my goooosh, San Lang!! It was him all along- AHH!!”)

As a perfectionist, something you have to be in HC’s field of work, HC is incredibly self-critical of his performance. Which is another reason why it’s nice to have XL watch alongside with, who never has a shortage of praises for his boyfriend.

(HC: “Fuck, why did they leave this shot in the final? I’m supposed to be mourning for my dead lover but instead, I look like I’m crying out of daddy issues. Why did no one tell me!? It looks so bad-” *pointing to himself on the screen* “-stop looking so constipated-!”

XL, squeezing HC’s nape and massaging his shoulders: “San Lang, no one thinks that except for you. You did everything perfectly. Please acknowledge your hard work and just enjoy the movie.”

HC: *sigh* “You’re right. Okay. Thanks, gege.”

A beat of silence. HC cuddles closer to XL.

HC: “Love you.”

XL: “Love you too.”)

***

XL now knows HC’s movies well enough to quote HC’s lines in his movies to make him laugh. HC happily indulges him, questioning after breaking character, “Gege, are you sure I’m the actor out of the two of us?”

One time, HC and XL are in their kitchen re-enacting a scene with HC as the investigator going to a bartender for more information on his suspect. HC has XL caged against the counter, asking in a teasing manner, “How can I repay you for your help tonight?”

XL lowers his eyelids, looking up through his lashes, flawlessly depicting his character. “Any restrictions on your offer?”

“No, darling. Name a price, a brand, a desire. Right now, anything is on the table,” HC says huskily. XL slyly bites his lip.

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

XL brings a hand up to cup HC’s jaw, then smooths it down his neck, traveling down his bare chest. XL tilts his head to expose his neck, wanting to build up his boyfriend’s anticipation. But before he can say his next line, HC effortlessly throws XL over his shoulder like a bag of rice.

“San Lang, wait, this is not how it went in the movie!” XL shouts, a little dizzy from the sudden lift turning him upside down. HC takes long strides to their bedroom, plopping XL on their mattress and blanketing him with his larger frame.

HC only utters a husky “we’re improvising” before diving down to devour XL’s lips. XL’s arms hook around HC’s neck, holding him impossibly close.

***

After a filming shoot where HC’s character gets beaten up–HC performing his own stunts–he heads home beyond exhausted. He just wants to take a relaxing shower and cuddle his boyfriend in their warm bed.

HC arrives at their house a little past midnight. He opens the door and finds XL’s back facing him, quietly humming a song as he takes care of the vase in the living room. The sight makes HC smile.

However, as XL turns around, the vase slips from his hands and explodes into pieces on the ground.

“San Lang! What happened to you!?” XL cries out, the panic in his voice only comparable to the day he had confessed. HC stands in the doorway confused. Was something wrong with his appearance?

XL is on him in an instant, his pupils shaking as he frantically asks, “Does it hurt a lot? What happened!?”

HC blinks, expression blank as he still doesn't understand what has freaked XL out. But as the shorter man gently caresses HC’s face, it suddenly hits him.

The make up!

HC urgently starts rubbing the fake bruises off his face. “Gege, I’m okay! It’s just make up, none of this is real. See?” He holds his hands out for XL to see as the pigment stains HC’s palms. “I’m so sorry! San Lang is dumb, he didn’t mean to make you worry,” HC murmurs as he takes XL between his arms. He really loves this man too much.

XL’s teary eyes shine glimmer as HC embraces him. “Y-you’re sure you’re okay?”

HC nods, leaning into the slender hand that cups his cheek.

“Thank goodness,” XL breaths out as he buries his face into HC’s neck. His next words are slightly muffled. “It looks…so realistic.”

“Yeah, the make up artists are all quite talented, aren’t they?”

XL clings tighter to HC.

“Very much so. Let’s shower so we can properly wash it off.”

“All right,” HC says. “Wait, we?”

XL tugs HC toward the master bathroom.

“Hush, let’s go.”

***

They lay in bed together after four long months of separation. Both of them had been in different parts of the country; HC filmed a drama series while XL traveled for several high-profile projects. Their respective busy work schedules limited communication to brief video chats and text messages, which never seemed enough.

Now, with his head resting on HC’s chest, their legs overlapping comfortably, XL finally feels like he’s where he belongs.

“Why did you choose me?”

Tactical fingers massage XL’s scalp, lulling him into a serene state of bliss. XL nuzzles further into his boyfriend-sized pillow.

“It’s not like I can choose who I fall in love with, Gege,” HC states with a light chuckle. “But if you want an answer, it’s because you are everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner.”

XL looks up at his boyfriend, mouth forming a shape of an O.

“That simple? Even when we made a deal to have no strings attached?” XL asks. HC groans at the reminder of their initial agreement.

“Yes, which was a dumb decision on my part.”

“I agreed to it too. We were both dumb.”

They are silent for a moment. It’s not the first time they’ve talked about or referenced their insecurities when it came to confessing their feelings. XL’s luck when it came to dating someone who could love him for every part of him was practically nonexistent. HC’s constant grappling for his self-identity and worth rendered most of his relationships superficial. And temporary.

Always temporary.

“I can’t believe you thought I didn’t like your plants though. They’re so pretty. And fascinating.” HC says, breaking the silence.

“They take up half our living room space.”

“So? You work with plants all day. They’re bound to be a part of your personal life as well.”

XL’s heart bursts with a sudden fondness. It’s a wonderful thing to be appreciated for the little things.

“I’m glad you think so,” he says happily. HC hums in response, sending vibrations to where XL’s cheek lays on his chest. “I can’t believe I didn’t know you were a famous actor for the first three months we…”

“Met up for sex?” HC finishes with an impish grin.

“Yes,” XL laughs.

“It was nice not to be recognized for once. With you, I could just be myself,” HC says with ease he never thought he would be able to do. He’s struggled with letting himself be vulnerable his whole life. It turns out, HC just had to find the right person. And thank god he did. XL is more than HC’s outlet from his career. He’s become HC’s closest friend who knows him the best; he is HC’s number one supporter in any endeavor he pursues; he makes HC feel important. XL sees and loves HC for who he is. No amount of fame or wealth could come close to comparison.

“Gege?”

“Hmm?”

“Does it ever bother you that my life is always everyone else’s business?” HC softly asks.

“Well, the fame can be a bit…uncomfortable,” XL admits. “But you’re an amazing actor. And a remarkable person. I can’t blame your fans for loving you so much, you know? I also got to ride in a limo-“

“Which you rode very well-”

XL flicks his boyfriend’s forehead.

“You’re so predictable.”

“You would’ve said the same thing given the chance. Don’t lie, gege.”

They go back and forth a little longer, never once creating unnecessary distance between each other as they roll around until they’re on their sides. Facing each other in their bed that’s been vacant for months, HC and XL are inseparable.

“As I was saying, fame is something that comes with your job–your passion. You can’t control it, nor does it solely characterize who you are. Besides, I get to be a part of your life! That’s all that really matters,” XL continues. He shifts forward so their bodies are closely pressed together. XL plants a kiss on HC’s chin, then whispers a confession that tilts HC’s entire world on its axis.

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like you.”

HC’s world spins and spins until all that he sees is his beloved, gleaming brighter than all the galaxies without the power to disrupt their orbit. He wraps his arms around XL and kisses the top of his head.

“Me too, Gege.”

Bonus:

HC watches wearily as XL salivates at a showering scene where HC’s bare ass flashes in the frame. XL turns to HC with a serious look in his eyes.

“San Lang! Hiking has done your ass wonders.”

XL sneaks a grope to a meaty cheek. HC chokes.

***

“You can’t be late to your own premiere!” XL cries incredulously.

“Try me,” HC purrs into XL’s ear, delicately kissing the lobe.

XL gasps as teasing hands roam around his torso, one of them slipping down to cup his behind. He vaguely thinks about how SQX is expecting them in the next hour to help with their red carpet outfits. But when hungry lips attach to the sensitive column of his neck, XL is a goner.

“Gege doesn’t have to do any work. Just lay back and look pretty.”

(Brainchild with @no-one-says-hi!)

[9worldstales]

MCU What if Ep 1-2-3: My two cents

So, I’ve been watching the “What if” series. I won’t beat it around the bush, I’m enjoying it but at the same time I get the feeling this series is aimed at younger audience, younger audience which isn’t deeply familiar with the movies and needs to be feed a simpler storyline.

In fact from the way they present it in each episode 1 single change should be the one which gives life to a parallel universe in a sort of domino effect… only, from what I could see in those 3 episodes, there are actually multiple unconnected changes, 1 presented more markedly as if it were the one starting everything and the others… just there for unknown reasons but they aren’t remarked and might easily be missed by who doesn’t remember well the movies.

Characterizations are also simplified, with heroes more black and white than grey, and a general toning down of the drama. This isn’t necessarily tied to the short time, 30 minutes in the hand of a good storyteller are plenty of time to construct a complicate, adult, emotionally engaging story… but a complicate story requires an audience willing to put its mind to understand it, or capable to handle a more morally nuanced plot or that wouldn’t be too distressed by a more emotionally engaging one.

This kind of audience is clearly not what those stories are aiming at.

This isn’t meant to say they’re bad, they’re perfect for young audience, passing on a good message, being overall funny and giving them the chance to enjoy the heroes they love in a different setting.

Dialogues are nice, their voice actors so far delivered good performance, the art isn’t bad and the stories can feel still intriguing enough.

However, if you think too hard at them, especially in comparison to the original movie, the story tends to crumble or feel morally poor or mess up the characterization or some other thing.

Overall I think the “What if” so far are more enjoyable if you don’t really remember well the movies and, anyway, judge them as stand-alone more than “What if” based on how a single divergence from the plot could create a new timeline.

Some examples?

Pick “What If... Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?”

The divergence supposedly happens when Peggy decides to stay in the room.

Erskine: Agent Carter, wouldn't you be more comfortable in the booth? Peggy: No, I'd prefer to stay. Watcher: There. That's the moment that created a new universe. When asked to leave the room, Margaret "Peggy" Carter chose to stay. But soon it would be her venturing into the unknown and creating a new world.

Only, in truth, it’s not just Peggy who was meant to go to the booth and didn’t.

EVERYONE was meant to go to the booth… only they all stay and Kruger, the spy from Hydra, who was seated in the booth BEHIND Peggy in “Captain America”, in the “What if” episode attacks the lab during Erskine’s explanation and not, as he did in “Captain America”, after the experiment took place, using as a distraction a bomb he left in the booth, and not on the floor of near to where the experiment was taking place so that it can kill Erskine.

And, to be really accurate, Erskine, in “Captain America”, asked Peggy to move to the booth when Steve was already lying down for the experiment, while here we see him asking her so while the two are standing next to each other and he hadn’t started undressing yet.

And there’s a reason why in the movie things were done like that.

Of course in the movie everyone was in the booth, it was safer should something go wrong with the experiment.

Of course Kruger waited for the experiment to be carried on, if it didn’t work there was no point in stealing a vial of a serum that didn’t work.

Of course Kruger left the bomb in the booth and made it explode when he was outside of it, so that he was sure it would create distraction but not harm him.

Overall, it’s not just Peggy that acts differently, it’s Erskine, who asked her to move in advance, it’s all the people there, who didn’t move to the booth, it’s ESPECIALLY, Kruger, who originally aimed to see if the serum worked and, in this case, steal it and kill Erskine so he couldn’t produce more and instead he now doesn’t check if the serum works and kills, for unknown reasons Chester Phillips, who didn’t even have a weapon in his hand and so didn’t pose a threat.

Even the placing of the bomb is poor because, since there was plenty of mechanisms in the lab, it could have triggered a series of explosions that were to destroy the whole place, himself and all the serum included.

But how many young viewers noticed all this or worry for the risk of everything exploding or realize that causing an explosion outside of the room in which the serum was worked as a diversion so as to take people away from that place, while if the bomb were to explode there, everyone would converge in that place, with hydrants possibly as no one worries about fire spreading but they should… even if there’s magically not as much as there should be.

And tragic scenes get tamed down, we don’t see Erskine die, we might not even realize he died in the explosion, young viewers might not remember or not like Chester Phillips so when he’s shoot he doesn’t leave an impression and Kruger’s shape gets shoot down by Peggy so we don’t have him committing suicide.

It’s not a complain, it’s a logic choice to make the series more palatable to a younger target by toning down the violence and the drama in it.

And so we reach the big event of the episode.

John Flynn would want Stark to get the serum injected in himself (forgetting there were men of the MP around him who shouldn’t be all dead) but starts to complain when Peggy volunteers to take the serum herself. Peggy does anyway and again things are tamed down, as Steve ended up screaming so loud in “Captain America” Peggy feared they were killing him and they considered stopping the experiment but Peggy doesn’t scream at all.

Sure, in had been scientifically proved women are built to handle pain better, but very likely Peggy’s lack of scream isn’t because she’s tougher, it’s again to not upset young audience.

So, while Steve lies on the ground and no one comes to help him, Peggy comes out of the experiment enhanced. But here we’ve the real core of the episode, John Flynn decides the experiment is an absolute failure. Why?

Flynn: Sixty million dollars and all the hope in the world down the drain. I was promised an army. I was promised peace and salvation. Instead, I get a girl.

Basically the real core of the episode, the real theme is that Captain Carter will have to fight discrimination based on sexism.

Peggy: You have a Super Soldier. Flynn: Women aren't soldiers, and they sure as hell don't fight on the front lines. They might break a nail.

Undoubtedly this is an important matter, it’s a good topic to make an episode about, to give young girls an heroine, to show to them and to the boys what an absolute moron Flynn was in discriminating Peggy, also presenting boys being supportive of Peggy and trusting her. Howard Stark, Steve Rogers, and then Bucky and everyone else, all the men who see Peggy fighting are ultimately supportive and admiring of her. This is important. But Flynn’s sexism is better remarked if we don’t remember what happened in “Captain America”.

Steve Rogers: Sir, if you’re going after Schmidt, I want in. Col. Chester Phillips: You’re an experiment. You’re going to Alamogordo. Steve Rogers: The serum worked. Col. Chester Phillips: I asked for an army and all I got was you. You are not enough. Senator Brandt: [to Steve] With all due respect to the Colonel, I think we may be missing the point. I’ve seen you in action, Steve. More importantly, the country’s seen it. [to his aide] Paper.[the aide shows them the news paper (‘The New York Examiner’ Vol. XCVII No. 33.634, Wednesday, June 23, 1943), headlines: "Nazis in New York - mystery man saves child"] The enlistment lines have been around the block since your picture hit the newsstands. You don’t take a soldier, a symbol like that, and hide him in a lab. Son, do you want to serve your country on the most important battlefield of the war? Steve Rogers: Sir, that’s all I want. Senator Brandt: Then, congratulations. You just got promoted.

I mean, Rogers was a male and he too was judged ‘not enough’. Brandt has him tour the nation in a colorful costume as “Captain America” to promote war bonds, while scientists study him and attempt to reverse-engineer the formula.

Chester Phillips was likely killed because otherwise they would have no reason to deal with Peggy the same way he dealt with Steve ‘one is not enough’, only it wouldn’t have been a sexist problem, just math (though it could be argued Phillips never trusted Steve to begin with). This causes the message ‘sexism is dumb’ ends up feeling forced because it’s basically pasted over a previous narrative of ‘not being enough’. If you want, you can read it as always discrimination and discrimination it’s always bad, but it still cheapens the message.

All this not to say that the episode isn’t awesome if seen as a stand-alone… it’s just that when you compare it with “Captain America” it feels weaker.

And then there are the other discrepancies, like the Hydra bringing the Tesseract to Berlin and not to Azzano (a sign somehow Schmidt and Hitler didn’t have a fall out) with Stark using it to power up an “Hydra Stomper” suit that proves if he had had the right power sources and technologies he could have built “Iron Man” too.

They’re not bad points (actually I loved the “Hydra Stomper” suit and how Peggy rode it the way Tekkaman from “Uchu no Kishi Tekkaman” used to ride Pegas in my childhood memories) but again they’re divergences without a clear reason. Schmidt and Hitler shouldn’t get along better solely because Peggy got the serum.

And that’s the first episode.

“What If... T'Challa Became a Star-Lord?” is also clearly aimed to a younger audience but with a goal different from “What If... Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?”

Watcher: What you call destiny is just an equation, a product of variables. Right place, right time, or in some instances, the wrong place at the wrong time. As fate would have it, at that very moment, a Ravager spacecraft was arriving on Earth to abduct the spawn of the Celestial, Ego. But in this universe, Yondu outsourced the assignment to his subordinates. Yondu: You morons grabbed the wrong kid!

For start this episode doesn’t try to rewrite a single movie, but by taking pieces of assorted movies “Thor: The Dark World” (for Tivan) “Guardians of the Galaxy” (for the idea of the setting), “Black Panther” (for T’Challa), “Avengers: Infinity War” (for the Black Order), “Captain America” (Tivan has his shielf), “Thor: Ragnarok” (TIvan has and uses Hela’s headpiece, talking of her as if he knew her and we can see he also has Thor’s hammer), “Thor: The Dark World” (Tivan has Malekith’s dagger) creates a completely different timeline by changing something that happened in 1988 and then jumping straight in… 2014, I presume, where a lot is different but we aren’t meant to see the process due to which things were changed, just to accept how T’Challa, kidnapped as a kid by the Ravagers, managed to make the difference.

In fact the whole theme of this episode is that T’Challa is a hero and a role model that gets success and admiration by TALKING TO PEOPLE AND PERSUADING THEM TO DO THE RIGHT THING. He’s meant not to have a character arc but to create a world that’s the best possible for people.

In fact we’re told just by talking with Thanos he persuaded him to stop his whole plan without using violence.

Korath: How exactly did you stop Thanos, the Mad Titan, from decimating half of the universe? Oh, no. Thanos: I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. T'Challa here showed me there was more than one way to reallocate the universe's resources. T’Challa: Sometimes the best weapon in your arsenal is just a good argument.

I mean, he doesn’t just turn the Ravagers into Robin Hood’s “merry men”, he talks with Thanos and Thanos decides to change his ways.

This is great, a wonderful message, a message against violence, a message about the power of the words and it makes T’Challa a real hero who, just by talking, saves the universe from Thanos but… but T’Challa from the movies was maybe not so good at persuading people from not doing wrong but he still had something amazing that made him very human and, at the same time a role model.

T’Challa wasn’t perfect, he made mistakes… but then he would admit them and correct them.

In “Captain America: Civil War” he wants to kill Bucky in retaliation for what happened to his father…

Natasha Romanoff: T'Challa. Task force will decide who brings in Barnes. T'Challa: [He clenches his fist.] Don't bother, Miss Romanoff. I'll kill him myself.

…but then he understands killing his father’s murder would be wrong and even stops Zemo from committing suicide.

T'Challa: Vengeance has consumed you. It's consuming them. [He blinks ruefully and retracts the claws in his gloves.] I am done letting it consume me. Justice will come soon enough. Helmut Zemo: [Holding a gun Zemo smiles thinly.] Tell that to the dead. [He tries to shoot himself but T'Challa grabs him just as he fires.] T'Challa: The living are not done with you yet.

And the same goes in “Black Panther”. At first he doesn’t want to ask Killmonger his name because he knows he is his uncle’s son and this would give him the right to compete for the throne as well as expose what his father did…

Killmonger: Oh, I ain't requesting nothing! Ask who I am? Shuri: You are Eric Steves. An American black operative. A mercenary nicknamed Killmonger. That's who you are. Killmonger: (LAUGHING) That's not my name, Princess. Ask me, King? T'Challa: No. Killmonger: Ask me. T'Challa: Take him away.

…but then he’ll acknowledges they had wronged him, will show him Wakanda’s beauty and will change things in Wakanda. T’Challa in the movies isn’t as perfect as T’Challa in the “What if” episode. He can’t solve everything and make the world perfect. He isn’t always right. He gets angry, vengeful, afraid of the truth. But then he rises above this and does the right thing.

“What if” T’Challa is a model of perfection that’s admirable… but that sits simply too high above the original T’Challa who also had to deal with Thanos but didn’t even think he could change his mind just by giving him a talk… and with good reason.

Younger kids might not realize because they might have not fully grasped how Thanos was a genocidal maniac, who massacred millions even prior to the snap, tortured his daughters and even removed body parts from Nebula. They might swallow it was just that easy to talk him into not doing the snap, and Thanos only needed someone to tell him it was wrong… and that in truth he loved Nebula… but for older viewers while beautiful, this is simply unbelievable.

And what about Yondu and the Ravagers? Just because they had T’Challa they became good and righteous. This is how Peter Quill described Yondu in “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” which still gives a sympathetic portrayal of Yondu:

Quill: He wasn't my father. Yondu was the guy who abducted me. He'd beat the crap out of me so I'd learn how to fight and he kept me in terror threatening to eat me.

But T’Challa doesn’t seem to have such complains against Yondu.

Now… In Quill’s case Yondu kept Quill so as to protect him from Ego…

Yondu: Once I figured out what happened to the other kids, I wasn't gonna just hand you over.

…yet he kidnap him and tells him his home was destroyed so as to manipulate him into staying… but this is so easily forgotten by T’Challa to the point children might not even realize it was there. Yondu was a good dad for him, he kidnapped him because T’Challa was basically wasted at home.

Yondu: Sometimes you need to hear a lie to see the truth. You're just like me, T'Challa. T’Challa: I am nothing like you. Yondu: You're an explorer, Star-Lord. And for people like you, like us, the past ain't nothing but a prison. You don't belong down there with them. You belong up here with us, with your family.

Although T’Challa doesn’t seem to agree at first… in the end all is forgotten.

Yondu: Look, T'Challa, I just wanted to say... T’Challa: There's no need. I was the one who told you I wanted to see the world. All you did was show me the universe.

and

T’Chaka: (Voice shaking) My son, my son. I knew you would find your way home to us. T’Challa: I'm sorry it took me so long. Let me introduce you to the family I made along the way.

All this is to basically excuse the premise, something horrible like kidnapping a child is passed as not really something terrible so that kids wouldn’t deal with its emotional implications and can even think that it was a pity that, in the normal universe, it was Peter Quill that was kidnapped… without realizing that kidnapping is bad and that in T’Challa’s case Yondu wasn’t even doing it because he wanted to protect him. Actually it’s unexplained why, all of sudden, Yondu felt the need to keep T’Challa and completely forgot about Quill, didn’t even care about making sure Ego wouldn’t find Quill despite, thanks to T’Challa, becoming a better person. It’s another change, one that people knowing the movies is bound to notice but not kids.

So again, for who knows the movie well, the story ends up being weak and this is also because, while T’Challa could persuade Thanos off screen not to commit genocide… all of sudden his persuasive power isn’t even really tested out with Tivan. Tivan is the big evil… yet he’s somehow less fearsome than Thanos because we clearly don’t want to scare the kids.

So again, wonderful for young audience who doesn’t remember well the movies… not so solid for who’s older.

And so we move to “What If... the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” which is absolutely my favourite so far. This one at a first glance seems to be a “What if” of a comic named “The Avengers Prelude: Fury's Big Week”.

The awesome thing of this story is we don’t know what changed the universe, we only discover that someone is killing off the Avengers before they could become the Avengers, starting with Tony Stark.

The mystery is, at a first glance, cool, the idea original, Natasha gets a big role as she investigates and even fights things along with Fury and, again, children will likely not really realize how the “What if” is actually changing the settings even when they’re supposedly not related to the change that caused this parallel reality, the death of Hope van Dyne. I mean, we can start our list of changes with the random funny things that has no reason to happen because Hope’s death shouldn’t have made Coulson and Barton to be so appreciative of Thor’s hair, something they never bring up in the movie…

Coulson: Whoa. I got visual on the intruder. He's a Caucasian male, mid-twenties with... really great hair. Fury: Excuse me? Coulson: It's an accurate description. Sir, he's gorgeous. Fury: I need eyes in the sky. Barton. Barton: Already on it. He's making a move on the hammer. One shot, one kill, sir. Just say the word. Fury: Hold your fire. I wanna see this. Barton: Whoa. Coulson wasn't lying about the hair. That's nice.

…to continue with more plot related matters like how Betty should have known Banner had intruded in her lab dressed up as a delivery boy and was now hiding in a wardrobe… but if we want we can forgive them. Maybe Hope’s death really changed some things in weird ways we couldn’t predict… but the place with the biggest revolution seems to be Asgard… which actually shouldn���t have been affected by by Hope’s death AT ALL and instead the situation is completely different from how it were in “Thor” to the point I could write a 20 pages meta on the changes. But, if we assume this episode is aimed at children, it works because the “Thor” situation was complicate and here instead they show solely some random and confuse elements that children might have picked up from talks about the movies… but that weren’t like that in “Thor”.

And again we have messages that can be good for children, how a father will love his little girl, how Nick Fury will save the day even without the Avengers, how:

Fury: S.H.I.E.L.D. is people, people willing to give their lives for something greater than themselves to save the world from men like you.

…and how in the darkest time new heroes will always come to save Earth as when Loki take over because it seems there are no more Avengers, Fury can still count on Carol Danvers and Steve Rogers.

Coulson: The Avengers fell before they had a chance to rise. May they rest in peace. Fury: They can, but we won't. The Avengers were always meant to be more than a team. They were an idea, the affirmation of humanity's need to believe that in our darkest hour, we will find our heroes. Watcher: I believe that in this universe, as in every other, hope never dies. As long as someone keeps their good eye on the bigger picture.

It’s a good message about hope… but again, it’s something for children. We’re meant to believe Earth could be conquered in one day time without struggle whatsoever… and that only the heroes could save it. Children might not remember it but in “The Avengers” humans tried to nuke New York to stop Loki… the idea they would just sit and say ‘whatever’ to Loki’s domination makes it look as if they actually agree with him to an adult… but, of course, the battle of New York is something we might not want to show to a little child.

And now… something else that’s relevant.

I said the “What ifs” are good stories for children… but we’re talking of young children here because if the child is a little older they can end up passing a completely wrong message.

Remember "What If... Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?" and how it tackled sexism as an absurd behavior to keep? How Captain Carter overcomes it? By using her supersoldier powers to beat the Nazi. She shows as a supersoldier she works.

Does she turns over the concept that ‘Women aren't soldiers, and they sure as hell don't fight on the front lines. They might break a nail’?

At most she proves she can be a soldier. She doesn’t fight using the fact she’s a woman as her strongest point, she fights using her super strength as her strongest point… where Steve Roger’s strongest point wasn’t his enhanced strength but his moral values. Peggy proves as a super soldier she’s equal to Steve… but Steve as a super soldier proved he was better than Red Skull. Peggy’s actions in the story doesn’t cause people to revalue women in general, just her. People either aren’t sexist and accept her regardless of her genre (Howard, Steve) or they’re sexist but accept her because she is strong.

It’s meaningful that when she thinks Steve is dead Flynn goes back to his old mindset…

Flynn: She should never have been in the field in the first place.

… because the truth is he never changed it. Peggy had only yelled at them to stop calling Steve “Hydra Stomper” as his name was “Steve Roger” and Flynn decides she, not Steve who actually died, should have never been in the field.

They don’t show how Peggy got information from Zola, which seems to imply all she did to get them was to beat him up. Chester Phillips in “Captain America” manipulated him into talking with his intelligence only.

Do you know which were Peggy’s abilities in the universe in which she isn’t a super soldier? She’s a Master Martial Artist, an Expert Marksman, a Master Spy, an Expert Tactician, a Thief and can speak and read English, Russian and German fluently as well as use a convincing American accent.

This is hardly noticeable though in her own story.

Howard: Should we not have a plan? Peggy: Who needs a plan? I have a shield. Howard: A shield is not a plan. Oh, Carter...

She was a tactician!

Now… she has a shield. But whatever girl wants to be like her won’t have a shield, nor a super serum. To be a real role model for girls who aren’t anymore children Peggy needed to have qualities they too could have that would empower her. The only good moment is when she understands what Howard plans to do:

Howard: If I can get to the controls, I can transpose the ingress and do science stuff. Peggy: You mean transpose the polarity and reverse the suction? Howard: Being the genius is my thing.

But again, the irony here is that this is no genius plan, middle school students had probably seen him being done in movies and cartoons already. It might seem genius idea to kids, but when you’re older it hardly sounds like one… and when Howard complains all in the machine is written in German they don’t have Peggy show her knowledge of it, and translate the words as she fight, she just fight and he’s supposed to figure things out.

“Captain America” is a role model for what he has inside. I’m sure Peggy Carter has plenty of things inside her as well… but “What if” makes it more about the super strength she has gained.

Where Steve gains Phillips’ respect, Flynn’s respect is more a façade due to her successes thanks to her super strength, and that respect gets pulled back as soon as she gets upset by his behavior. Sure, Flynn is a worse person than Phillips in this black and white world but this too is part of the narrative. If Peggy can’t permanently win over sexism in one person, it’s not real victory at all. If what’s remarkable about her is how she fights (due to the serum) then who didn’t have it, will never have a hope. Peggy Carter was more of a female model when she wasn’t supersoldier, she felt more of a role model in “Captain America”, when she got to do this with her own strength:

Peggy Carter: Put your right foot forward. Gilmore Hodge: Mmm… We gonna wrassle? Cause I got a few moves I know you’ll like. [suddenly Peggy punches him hard in the face. Col.Phillips drives up] Col. Chester Phillips: Agent Carter. Peggy Carter: Colonel Phillips. Col. Chester Phillips: I see you’re breaking in the candidates. That’s good!

…than when she punched Nazis thanks to being a super soldier. Peggy has never been a fragile Fräulein, but this episode seems to remark she’s not one merely because she has taken the serum.

As a result… she sets an impossible role model for girls. If the key to be (partially) respected and accepted by males is to get the super soldier serum and/or the shiled… well, that serum doesn’t exist, not does the shield.

And a similar problem exists in “What If... T'Challa Became a Star-Lord?”

Teaching a small child he can solve problems by talking and not by hitting is important… but passing the message that you can stop bullies or worse just by talking to them is again setting an impossible role model. People like Thanos can’t be stopped with just words. People like Yondu and the Ravagers wouldn’t become Robin Hood and his merry men merely because they have with themselves a young boy who tells them the right things… and what Yondu does to T’Challa is worse than what he did to Quill and having been kidnapped as a child shouldn’t be waved off so easily. We’re not talking of Yondu finding an orphaned T’Challa and raising him, if he had picked up N’Jadaka after he lost his father it would have been different, but here, he just ripped a child from a loving family, a family he loved back. And it’s almost presented as a good thing because this causes the universe to be saved by Thanos, Yondu’s lie giving T’Challa the motivation to try to to make the universe a better place.

Nebula: You lost your home, and now you save everyone else's.

And problems continue with “What If... the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” because there, the solution, the hope, is presented solely by the superheroes. No one opposes to Loki, the whole Earth is expected to be saved by Captain America and Carol Danvers. The one who refuses to kneel to Loki is Fury, who’s considered special. We don’t have in this story a lone old man who’s standing stubbornly despite the threat.

LOKI: Kneel before me. [The crowd ignores him. Three more Loki's appear, surrounding and blocking the crowd from escaping.] I said KNEEL! [While the crowd quietly kneels, Loki embraces out his arms with a wide smile] Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. ELDER GERMAN MAN: [As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an elder German man refuses to kneel and stands, heroic.] Not to men like you. LOKI: There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN: There are always men like you. LOKI: Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. [As Loki is about to execute the man with his scepter as the light glows blue. Right as the energy beam shoots out, Captain America arrives, diving in just in time to block the blast with his shield, and knocking down Loki]

So basically in this series heroes set impossible standards… and are the only ones who can save the day. It can be fun for an adult, as he doesn’t need role models… but for a boy who’s no more a small child but not yet old enough to do without viewing heroes are role models, the heroes presents a standard that is something unattainable. And this is bad because he too might enjoy watching the show, but the show gives him no hope… where ironically, Marvel movies were about giving positive role models in which you could identify.

Overall I stay my case, the “What if” series is definitely enjoyable… but the bar for the target audience is set to a very young age, they don’t really follow the idea that one small change can realistically change everything because they actually intrude plenty of small changes for their setting to work, and might end up not giving the right message if you’re in between a age between a small child and an adult. Of course future “What if” episodes might change, and I will probably still love them because I adore what if… but I would love them even more if they had aimed to a target audience a little older… making their heroes, more realistic role models which can be emulated and if they had respected their own premise, that ONE SINGLE CHANGE can create a completely different new reality.

What changed in the Peggy episode wasn’t just Peggy not sitting on the booth. What changed in the T’Challa episode wasn’t just Yondu sending his subordinates to pick up a kid. What changed in the mightiest heroes episode wasn’t just Hope dying.

The fact you need more changes in order to make the difference makes the initial point that one change can make the difference void. You destroy your own premise… and this is not really a great idea.

But whatever, I guess if the idea is that the audience is really young, they didn’t expect the audience to pick this up but just to swallow their idea that ‘a moment created a new universe’.

MEDIA MENTIONED:

Movies: “Iron Man 2” (2010), “The Incredible Hulk" (2008), “Thor” (2011), “Captain America: The First Avenger” (2011), “The Avengers” (2012), “Thor: The Dark World” (2013), “Captain America: The Civil War” (2016), “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” (2017), “Thor – Ragnark” (2017), “Black Panther” (2018), "Avengers: Infinity War” (2018), “Captain Marvel” (2019)

Comics: “The Avengers Prelude Fury's Big Week” (2012)

[lunarfly]

Honestly, you should check out this Dante Wood fella on Quora. He’s this multi potterhead ship hater who asks many rude and insulting questions on Romione, Harmione, Hinny and Dramione shippers. He’s literally become the bane of their existence. I almost would feel bad for them but then I realize these are the same users/shippers that ask insincere questions to the other ship/shipper. Guess karma is a bitch;)

Hello, thank you for the ask!

Yeah, I checked out his profile and I'm not so impressed. He's hateful and spiteful. But I must admit, he has got a very fair point. Before I talk about that though, I'll just bring up a few things:

Even though he often underlines very important issues with our fandom's "ship wars," his account still shouldn't exist. He's rude and he goes the wrong way about sending his messages. He keeps spitting venom out of his mouth when he should try to be logical and explain his points without any insults and attacks. But when do respectful people ever get anything, it's always the drama and over exaggeration that draws people's attention.

He's hypocritical. He says he hates the fact that shippers constantly generalize the other sides of the fandom but he also generalizes shippers himself. He calls out shippers collectively, as if we were all to blame for a few people's toxic behavior and generalizing tendencies. He generalizes us (the shippers) by saying we all generalize each other (the other shippers).

He hates on Harmione/Romione/Hinny/Dramione and only justifies his hatred by the shippers. But just hating it isn't bad at all, everyone's allowed to hate something. The thing is, he also claims that all of these ships "suck" and are all "garbage." He never presents any arguments or constructive criticism, he just says they're objectively bad ships because they have bad shippers. I'm pretty sure everyone can see the problem with this logic.

Now about his messages. I must say, I agree with him a whole lot. So many people in this fandom tend to generalize everyone. Examples of this?

"Harmione shippers haven't read the books! They only ship it because of the movies!"

"You only ship Hermione with ___ because you use her as a self-insert tool! You ___/Hermione shippers only want to project your own feelings onto her, you don't actually understand her character!"

"All Romione/Hinny shippers are toxic! None of them respect our ship!"

"All Harmione/Dramione shippers hate Ron and Ginny"

And much more.

While many of those claims do apply to many shippers, they don't apply to everyone. And generalizing a group of people while talking about them negatively is obviously wrong and harms both sides of the "war."

The ridiculous argument that "Harmony shippers haven't read the books" started (or gained popularity) in 2005 when J.K. Rowling said this in an interview:

JKR: Well I think anyone who is still shipping Harry/Hermione after this book –

ES: [whispered] Delusional!

JKR: Uh ’ no! But they need to go back and reread, I think.

That one simple comment still affects the H/Hr shipping community to this day, even after JKR admitted the possibility of H/Hr in 2014.. People are still calling us dumb and delusional, people still claim that we haven't read the books - and this argument has been expanded after people started noticing how the movies were sort of pushing a H/Hr narrative - people still make fun of us and many don't take us seriously. But people were shipping Harmione long before the release of the movies and they (including me) have written countless analyses pointing out moments from the books and reasons why Harry and Hermione would make a good couple but this ridiculous generalization, a kind of rumor, is still around and I don't think it's going to leave any time soon.

The Ron and Ginny bashing rumor is more understandable since a huge part of the H/Hr fandom absolutely hate the two gingers and will find anything to tear them down and make them seem as cartoonishly evil as possible. But we still shouldn't apply this to everyone. I, for one, love Ron and Ginny and know many Harmione shippers who feel the same way.

(In the following paragraphs I am talking about the HP fandom generally but obviously these things don't apply to every person individually.)

The majority of the Harry Potter fandom these days only truly accepts book lovers into discussions and their "main" fandom (people who solely make video edits or such are in a different kind of fandom). But everyone who's a book lover and doesn't ship Romione/Hinny or dislikes Ron/Ginny will slowly be forced to either liking these or leaving the fandom. Because, according to most of the fandom, if you don't like these characters/pairings, you haven't read the books, you're toxic and you're stupid. If you like Harmione, you're automatically labeled with "Movie Watcher," "Weasley Basher," "Toxic Garbage." People will start making assumptions about you and your work before they know you. Even if people learn that you're not any of those, these generalizations won't stop. No matter how much you do, no one will take you seriously, no one will care, no one will accept you, no one will explore your work. You will only be acknowledged in the book-loving fandom if you ship Romione and Hinny or if you're an extremely toxic person (that way you'll get mocked for every word that comes out of your mouth, but you'll deserve it if you're really a toxic person). This fandom also tends to misunderstand the words "toxic" and "bashing." Any sort of criticism is labeled with "bashing" and the author of that criticism is labeled with "toxic." Not that there aren't people who are toxic and hateful but our fandom tends to fail to see the difference between constructive criticism and hate.

And there are also those "big" accounts who are praised for every word they say. They can bash any ship or character they want to and the majority of the fandom (the book-loving, canon-ship-loving one that I explained) will agree with it and spread their words around. When they say something about one shipper, it will automatically be applied to everyone who ships that. If they say that any ship with Harry and Hermione that isn't Romione and Harmione suck, the majority of the fandom will accept it as objective truth and since they have most of the fandom supporting them they feel comfortable repeating and accepting these things. As a result of these things being accepted as common knowledge, the people who don't agree feel isolated from the fandom. For example, I do. I follow lots of people who ship Romione and Hinny or love Ron and Ginny because I also feel the same way about these characters and pairings. But I can't go a day without seeing at least one of them degrade Harmione and send hate to the ship + shippers. The more hate my ship gets, the more these rumors, labels and arguments spread around. And Harmione shippers get called stupid for loving a fictional pairing, so I constantly feel invalidated in this fandom, even if no one addresses me specifically. The ideas that Harmione is a horrible ship and its shippers are toxic and so on are so engrained in our fandom that they're seen as almost "rules" of the fandom and no single person can change that. I constantly feel like I'm invalid for liking Harmione and this isn't normal. Our fandom pushes the idea that the only intelligent people are those who support the canon pairings and disapprove of ships like Harmione, Fremione and etc. I understand the hatred against Dramione and every other toxic ship, but I can't for my life figure out why people feel the need to tear down every healthy fanon ship. But they do it anyway. They consider everyone who disagrees with them "stupid" and unintelligent. I feel like I don't belong every time I see comments like "Ugh, how can someone ship Harry and Hermione? They're like siblings, people! You clearly haven't read the books." or "Anyone who ships this doesn't have a brain, they're too strongly influenced by the movies. They clearly don't understand Harry and Hermione." Sometimes I see my own friends calling H/Hr "strange" and such and they clearly don't help me feel any better. I feel the need to go in Harmony-only spaces to recharge myself and regain the confidence and get the validation I need. Otherwise, I feel completely isolated and invalid.

I can't blame only one side of the fandom though. The shippers have been divided for decades now and they have been throwing insults at each other ever since. It's a never-ending war. The bad side of this today is that the book-loving fandom (the "main" fandom) has merged with the canon ships fandom and now these are inseparable. If you like the HP books, you must also like the canon pairings and dislike most of the others, otherwise you're never going to feel like you belong. So now anyone who ships Harmione won't be able to properly interact with the "main" fandom because nobody thinks their opinions that Harry and Hermione are a better match than Ron and Hermione are valid. Same thing with Dramione shippers. Do you see how Dramiones and Harmonians don't really engage in discussions or just don't interact with the "main" fandom in general (unless they're defending their ship)? They have created their own spaces, separated from the "main" fandom and that's where they are most of the time. That's where I go when I need more positivity and validation. I have the discord server and the Harmione subreddit to go to. That's the only place I'm really comfortable in. If I go to a more "general" part of the fandom like the main HP subreddit or some of the biggest HP books fan accounts, it will affect me negatively because I will mostly see Romione and Hinny be glorified and Harmione treated like trash. Not only my ship but also the shippers. Which is probably the main reason I find the fandom toxic. All of this just ties into the stupid generalization and name-calling that causes the rift between OBHWF and Harmione shippers which leads me to seeing both sides of the fandom be attacked and bombarded depending on which space I choose to spend my time in.

I'm not going to pretend that the Harmione fandom is full of angels who are oppressed by Romione shippers. Because whenever I go to a Harmione-oriented space, I will find anti-Ron/Romione/Hinny/Ginny (and their stans) posts. Harmonians will often call Romiones toxic and hateful and will basically do everything in order to insult them. And they return the favor excellently. This happens with the majority of the fandoms so both of the sides just think every shipper is like the toxic shippers they interacted with, causing generalization and all of the problems I talked about above. And that forms a toxic environment.

I generally just talked about my experiences with generalization and insulting but there are many more things wrong with the fandom, so I definitely agree with Dante Wood in that aspect. But again, I don't think every single shipper is toxic and hateful and I most certainly don't think that Romione, Harmione and Hinny are trash (Dramione just might be). I pointed out all of my reasons for disliking his account at the beginning of my post. I just wish he fixed those problems with his account, then he would have such a great one.

I almost would feel bad for them but then I realize these are the same users/shippers that ask insincere questions to the other ship/shipper. Guess karma is a bitch;)

Here's where I get confused. Why did you send me this message? I am not one of those people who go and attack a part of the fandom I disagree with. I don't constantly attack Romione and Hinny, nor their shippers. I actually love those ships. I might criticize Dramione and other toxic ships but I'm not the one at war with them. I know I wrote a post basically calling Dramiones brainless once and I regret that. I think I'm a better person now. No matter how much I hate this ship I won't send hate to its shippers (P*dophilic ships are a different deal though, those ships are even more serious). So how exactly is this a consequence for what I've done when I've done basically nothing? And even if I did, how is Dante Wood's account supposed to affect me? He talks about the toxicity of shippers while being toxic and hateful himself. Am I supposed to take that seriously? He calls us hypocritical and proceeds to do the same himself. That's not the kind of person I take criticism seriously from (ignoring the fact that many of his posts aren't even criticism, it's just hate).

Anyway, thank you for taking your time to send me that message! Sharing my thoughts on Dante Wood's thoughts and account was fun! :)

[tominostuff]

Oshii Mamoru  x Anno Hideaki Char’s Counterattack Fan Club Book

Published: January 1993 

Just the first 3 pages as a teaser lol 

Influence 

Anno: As a creator, I like CCA because you can hear Mr. Tomino’s very genuine voice in it. But Mr. Oshii, you tend to dislike doing that. You try to sugarcoat your true intentions and hide it deep within. So, it’s unexpected that someone like you enjoyed CCA. 

Oshii: Well, isn’t it just that? As you said, Mr. Tomino’s raw voice is all out in the open. 

Anno: Yes. It’s very direct. I think sensitive people may even harbor hatred for it.

Oshii: (Kazunori) Itou-kun apparently stopped watching 5 minutes in. When he heard the first “heavenly punishment” line, he couldn’t follow along anymore and stopped (laughs). Since he used to be at Sunrise, he probably sees more. 

So [whether or not you like the movie] is probably decided by what kind of reaction you’d have to hearing lines like 修正 “correction” or 粛清 “purge” or 天誅 “heavenly punishment.” Since there’s bound to be many people who have a dislike towards words like that. Especially older people react towards “purge” and “correction.” For the pre-war faction, “correction” meant military lynching and for people after the 70s, “correction” means demonstrator/political radicals or controlled lynching. There’s also the Red Army (JRA) issue as well. 

If it were a movie, they may have not been bothered by it but since it’s an animation. There is a gap between the raw human intentions and the drawn world. And that actually makes a bigger impact. So for people who dislike seeing undiluted emotions show up on screen, they just can’t do it. 

Anno: I wasn’t bothered by it. 

Oshii: I think you and I were making things during the awkward off season of animation. People like Miya-san (Miyazaki Hayao) who were swept along by Toei and made animations for kids versus people who were pursuing movies and ended up in an anime studio...our generation of people is the in-between, so we understand both sides. We are caught between both the part that’s making shows for kids and the part that wants to make movies that we are personally satisfied with.  So, depending on where you place the center of balance, you end up making a completely different thing. 

On one hand, I felt that this movie could only be accepted by people like that. The older folk just thought it was bad. People in the anime industry especially. And for younger folk, they don’t know how to process an undiluted political world like that one. Despite all of this, the theaters were pretty full. And that’s probably due to the influence of Gundam.

It was around the same time as Patlabor. Even though Mr. Tomino did whatever he wanted in Gundam, and I worked on Patlabor with the same Shochiku, when the high ups at Shochiku came to the press release for the previous Patlabor installment, they just said “I didn’t understand anything” and left. “Nothing made sense.” They were grumbling, “but robot anime originally was like this” as they went home. Which I think was thanks to Gundam (laughs). 

Even so, I was impressed that a script like CCA was greenlit. How could they release something like that. Probably because they weren’t watching it very seriously. Everyone is so enchanted by the surface-level space war aspect that there’s very few people who accurately grasp Mr. Tomino’s intentions. 

Anno: I didn’t understand it the first time I watched it. 

Oshii: The idea itself is not anything exceptional. It doesn’t come up to the surface but… to exaggerate, this is about present day, but as a phenomenon, in Japan maybe after the 70s? Among the political ideas that collapsed in the 60s was a type of retaliation ideology….. There’s a bit of nihilism in it, but basically there existed a political thought that placed its basis on the idea that “humans are no good.” However, that never made its way into the mainstream and much less in a world like animation, the center of popular culture, the fact that it showed up so suddenly was a surprise. It was almost pure literature. 

To want to retaliate against humanity or to want to correct humanity… truth be told, I also had similar thoughts. For example, the upcoming Patlabor has a bit of that in it. There’s a desire to seek revenge against a kind of deceptive inquisitiveness of this generation. However, I’m hesitant about being too direct about it (laughs)... more like I personally, am not a fan of being so direct…. And to go so far as to start saying the intellectuals that, the masses this. That part of the dialogue was probably an exact reflection of Mr. Tomino’s beliefs. As a method of expression, I would never do something like declaring my true beliefs during the movie. 

Just, the one thing I don’t get is why he suddenly did something like that. I actually haven’t watched the Gundam series too seriously so when I saw that, it seemed out of the blue. Perhaps he had laid the foundations for it earlier but I actually haven’t watched anything since Zeta Gundam. Watched the first Gundam and then suddenly CCA. So I don’t know what happened in this gap but it probably wasn’t anything sudden, it was probably always present. 

Anno: Yes. I think he spit out everything he had accumulated, or more like, he put an end to things. 

Ideologies 

Oshii: When you’re working on anime, you’re required to be different from an ordinary movie director. Even though it may look like we’re doing whatever we please, there are some things that we just can’t do. In a live action, even if it’s a bit explicit it may not be a huge problem… but with anime, there’s the first psychological barrier of the people who have to draw it. And when you think about it, the first person who did those things was Mr. Tomino. Like the child who fires in front of his mother. Or the boy or girl, I forget, that got their head blown off along with their helmet. 

When I saw Ideon, I believe it was when I was working on The Wonderful Adventures of Nils at Pierrot, it gave me such a shock. And it became the topic of discussion among directors at the studio. We wondered if it was okay to make something like that. My mentor, Mr. Tori (Hisayuki Toriumi), was someone who would do rather sadistic things. Like, Gatchaman was horrible. People would get hung with chains and beaten with a whip or Joe the Condor would get his face stepped on and messed up. He’s done pretty controversial things over the years. However, he never was as raw. After all, we had passed the era where such direct expression is allowed. 

There were a few taboos that were said to exist in anime, the destruction of bodies being one of them, but the bigger one that existed was probably, “politics.” To express your own political beliefs in the anime you were creating. I don’t mean things like post-war democracy or Tezuka Osamu’s humanism, etc, but radical revolutionary ideas, betrayed ressentiment (concept of resentment or hostility related to 19th century thinkers like Friedrich Neitzche), feelings of grudge, etc. have no place in anime. No one explicitly says it but as you spend time at the studio, you naturally begin to realize that’s the limit. If you want to do it, you have to change its shape. So like in Urusei Yatsura or Patlabor, I had to disguise it as a type of metaphor or a running joke. So even if you’re allowed to have a miniature battle for authority in a school setting… well, originally, even that was going too far, I was told many things by different people… it wasn’t like anyone said anything openly but no one thought to do it in the first place. The reason why is because everyone thought animation was the wrong place to be testing such ideas, who’s going to want to watch something like that. 

Back when Toei made Future War 198x, circulation boards went around and the Toei Animation Company labor union went on strike and all that, but inside, there were a lot of debates happening. Especially among directors wondering how they should take it all. Regardless of the fact that the age of the average anime watcher was increasing due to the anime boom, where exactly do we place the limit? Is it okay for us to try things that an ordinary live action director might do? For the generation of directors above us, these questions existed in a more tangible form. Whenever there was destruction of bodies or kiss scenes, like Mr. Tori did once in Gatchaman, every time something like that would happen on screen, production companies would file complaints or the TV stations would complain, and there would be this back and forth. Even so, there were people who wanted to depict these things. But in other words, that was it. The complaints were only on the artistic level. What that person did in CCA is leagues beyond that. 

The philosophies or policies or themes, those things aren’t in there because the movie needs it, no, the ideology is first and foremost (laughs). It’s probably forgiven because it’s underneath the umbrella of Gundam but even so, I was surprised that they could go that far. 

And, I was surprised a second time when there was no reaction to it. I spoke about this with Anno over the phone but, there’s no talk about it, good or bad. Why is there no reaction to such a radical outburst? There were probably a few entries to some anime magazines, I’ve seen a few of them myself, but in the end they were just the usual debates about war in Gundam. 

In that way, it was as I expected. By “as expected” I mean, even if one speaks of such ideals in animation, who is going to see it, and how? This is a problem that I’m always facing myself because the stories that I want to create aren’t reaching the audience that I desire. And that’s probably because it’s anime. If it were live action, you could just leave it alone and a bunch of critics would come along and say what they want. Even if it’s just some boring police drama, they’d dig up all this nonsense to write. Conversely, [CCA] didn’t receive attention because it was anime. Because it was anime, the ideas presented in it were overlooked. To Mr. Tomino, that was probably extremely regrettable. Because I am always experiencing similar things. The anime isn’t reaching the people who are supposed to see it. That is what I felt from it. 

Anno: Anime as a method of expression is very infantile. Especially facial expressions, angry faces have raised eyebrows, crying faces have tears in their eyes, blurry pupils means they are crying; if a foreigner saw this, I don’t think they’d understand. Japanese people are trained to understand to some extent so they know “oh they’re crying right now.” 

However, whether the character is crying because they are happy or because they are sad, cannot be understood through just the art, without dialogue and the whole package. So, whether hands go flying or blood is shed, at the end of day, they’re all cell humans. Even if they speak, it's just 3 frames of mouths going open and close. I think the sincere attitude of trying to go so far through such childish means of expression and in the even more remote region of robot anime is amazing. I don’t think there were any directors like this until now. 

Oshii: Yeah, there weren’t. I didn’t think he would take it that far. Although, I had sensed that vibe from Gundam itself. The structure of war depicted in it probably made that kind of thing possible. I don’t know how much he had pre-planned while he was creating the initial settings for the show but… it’s probably something similar to Patlabor where you start realizing “oh this is possible too” as you go. But, I kind of understand why it came out of a robot anime. With gag anime or home drama, school stories, these things would definitely be caught in a check at some stage. It’s probably due to the very combative world of robot anime, which depicts war, that kind of thing was passed (laughs). 

Anno: That’s right. It was probably only possible because it had its beginnings as “just an ad for robot toys.” 

Resignation

Oshii: Back when Urusei just finished airing, I met Mr. Yasuhiko at a magazine interview. It was right when the manga, Todonotsumari, was serializing in Animage. The first thing that person said was, “Animators like the ones depicted in [that manga] don’t exist. The anime studio environment that you are creating there is the furthest from an anime studio in reality. It’s what doesn’t exist the most. Why do you do this?” That’s when I sensed a bit of the resignation or frustration that generation of uncles hold towards animation. To put it bluntly, it's a type of inferiority complex. 

I, too, was told that when I entered Tatsunoko. “In the end it’s just an ad for toys. So don’t put too much effort into it. If you don’t keep it at a minimum, you’ll only feel disappointed at the end. If you become too serious about making a masterpiece or making a film, you won’t make it in this industry.” I got a lot of that. Whether they were sakuga directors, animators, producers, bosses. From different people, in different ways, I was told many things. To summarize, that’s pretty much what they’d tell me. “The anime job is not a place for that.” 

I’m generalizing but the generation above us started from a place of resignation. Like the background artist who couldn’t feed themselves off of oil paintings or the animator who couldn’t become a mangaka, it’s not nice to say but the industry was full of people who drifted into it. It was that kind of world. But there were good sides to it being that kind of world. No one would comment on what other people were doing. 

Like, I was told at the beginning, “Don’t criticize other people’s work.” And not only did this apply to people in my own studio but I also wasn’t allowed to say this and that about what Toei was doing. From the start I was still in the mindset of a film bro so I’d complain “what is that?” but I was told off not only by older directors but also by directors my own age. Was it Mashimo Koichi? (laughs). “It’s easy to spot as many faults as you’d like in other people’s work. So there’s an infinite number of criticisms you can make. The only thing that matters is what you yourself creates.” To that I said, “I don’t think so. I have the ability to state why boring things are boring with logic to back it up so I should be allowed to. If we don’t say these things out loud, nothing will change. In exchange, I don’t care how badly my work gets criticized.” That’s a very normal thing. Bar fights are constant in the movie industry. “Why doesn’t it work in the same way in the anime industry?” is how I felt. 

So, until I met Miya-san I was always frustrated. Meeting Miya-san was the first time…. cause that person is the same way. He says whatever he wants about other people’s work…just as I thought, this kind of person does exist. Even as we argue, even as we lovingly tear each other’s work apart, we are still together. I think that’s a very important skill as a director and even beyond that, I was perplexed as to why this wasn’t allowed in the anime industry. 

The one thought I always held within all of this was that, before the sponsors or stations or whatever, the anime industry carved out territory for itself and didn’t try to leave it. So when the industry was forced to the forefront with the anime boom, the previously anonymous animators and directors suddenly found themselves in the limelight. And with that, all of the inferiority complexes came flooding out in a warped way. 

For example, Mr. Yasuhiko’s Crusher Joe is unnecessarily cruel. Like small animals getting turned into meat clumps with a machine gun. Or patricide or siblings killing each other. Everything that had been suppressed until now came flooding out in a very warped way. Endlessly mass producing worthless children’s media that's neither good or bad would turn one’s literary consciousness inwards. So when you’re finally able to put work out there under your own name, all of that came out. Basically what I’m saying is that the balance is off. How far can you take things, from where should you start dialing back; everyone has their own parameters based on their unique method of expression. But they let everything out, completely ignoring these parameters.

When I saw this, I was full of complicated feelings. “Why do you guys have to have such a complex towards making animation?” I hated it so much because the generation below me doesn’t really have these taboos or warped perceptions. 

Anno: They really don’t.

Crime of Conscience

Oshii: On the other hand, there are many things that you can do in anime that wouldn’t be allowed in Japanese movies. Ideas that would be stamped into the rejection pile for a Japanese movie can be expressed to a certain degree in anime….is what people discovered. One way to put it is, if you take “the way anime is viewed” in a societal sense and work within those means, then anything is possible…..or at least I felt (laughs). It’s only useful up to a certain point of course. Using a tactic of pushing and retreating to mix things up while creating a proper product on the other end was how I was doing my job. At the time. Even now I feel I work in a similar way but it’s different. We become wary and don’t do it like that. We’d try to cheat things by having it take place in an alternate universe. Or if you’re trying to depict a rebellion, don’t draw it from the rebel side but from the police side instead (laughs). 

Even today, although it takes a different form, the idea that animation is for kids still persists. Showing nude bodies, and not cute things like shower scenes or skirt flipping, but in the context of lovers or affairs, passionate love or a world where politics are spoken about so clearly, is going to be rejected. But if you add “somewhere out in outer space,” sometimes it slips past the radar and gets greenlit. 

However, I think Mr. Tomino knew what he was doing. 

Anno: I think so too. 

Oshii: When I saw it, I thought “he did this on purpose.” There’s probably parts that I understand because I am also a creator. It was well balanced. There was none of the off-balanceness of Mr. Yasuhiko. Of course, what lies underneath is the same. At the foundation is this inner warped hatred towards animation movies. On the other hand, he understands that he’s  just an anime person and can't express things well when he’s separate from anime. That kind of thing, however, was pretty well controlled when it came to Char’s Counterattack. Therefore, there is no doubt that it was a crime of conscience. 

However, even if it was on purpose, I still think the film was too blunt. I thought it would be better to disguise it a little more, dress it up a little more, camouflage it, and wear a covering, something. 

Anno: On the contrary, I thought that’s what made it so masculine or cool.

Oshii: It’s dangerous. Danger is not about being socially sanctioned, criticized, or denounced, but rather straightforward words suggesting revolution, intellectuals this and that, and correcting or imposing sanctions on humankind…  if you are not careful about it, the intentions may be flipped on you. In other words, you run the risk of becoming a gag. Political language is rather delicate, isn’t it? If you do it too much, like those violent student protesters who often appear in TV dramas, it becomes a comedy act that’s so ugly you can’t even call it a parody. That’s why, in Urusei Yatsura, Megane, the plot device guy, was doing everything exaggeratedly as a running joke. That's because I thought that if I didn't do it that way, it wouldn't pass, and I, personally, wanted to see it. There was a part of me that felt detached. And that was funny in itself. The fact remains that even to me, that era, while there were some painful parts, I also felt that it was humorous. Some parts are nostalgic, and some parts make me feel even disgusted. I found some salvation in letting everything out through a plot device character like Megane. That kind of thing, if you do it seriously, it's just painful.

In short, political language is pretty delicate…. Going back to the phrase “heavenly punishment.” I’m positive that there’s people who laughed at that phrase. Because we’re talking “heavenly punishment” in a space environment. What he’s doing is describing the “February 26 Incident” verbatim but the world he’s created is a future battlefield in outer space. There’s an immense gap. The younger generation may not care about it, though. I've always felt that kind of thing from Sunrise. There is something off about them. It seems that there are people who strangely want to enumerate dead languages.

My scariest thought is that there’s probably people who laughed at CCA.  That they found it comical. The fact these imperial loyalist type characters are living out the “one person one kill” kind of world in outer space. I avoided writing these kinds of stories for this exact reason. ‘Cause at some point, someone is going to laugh. Like the drama, “Hyokin Tribe” from back in the day. You write the drama very seriously and in the end, it all flips on its head. It’s the generation where (serious) things are seen in a cynical manner. I am conscious of the enemy waiting, ready to turn everything into laughs. Especially when it comes to anime, anything is possible so you take it very seriously until the very end where it’s all comedy. The moment that becomes obvious, everything you’ve accumulated becomes invalid. So I prefer it the other way around,  to create the mood, “this is a lie, it’s all jokes,” and then reveal that it was actually my true intention all along. I feel that it’s more effective to build up the jokes and then bring it into the real world at the end. In short, you can’t be seen through this way. If you ask me, the modern movie goer is rather twisted. A naive audience doesn’t exist. Within that, however, many anime viewers are among the exceptionally naive. They get impressed right away. As if they’re prepared to be impressed. Compared to the average viewer, anime watchers are easy to deceive, to the point where I go, “why are you so naive?” They easily go along with your tricks. They are waiting, ready to go along with anything you offer them. It’s the same mentality as the people who come to anime events and go, “since I’m already here, I am prepared to get my money’s worth by laughing at everything, even the parts that aren’t funny, and have a good time with everyone.” From a customer’s point of view, it’s such a naive mindset….maybe even going past naive into sly territory. Speaking broadly about movies in general, half-baked drama, half-baked crying or overly sentimental things doesn’t work on audiences nowadays. Rather, they are looking for ways to laugh at it.  

Ever since that TV drama, "Stewardess Monogatari", I've been endlessly wary of such things. The goal is to make people laugh, not be laughed at. The movie is useless unless we (the creators) hold on to the hegemony. 

Oshii: So when I saw CCA, I thought, there are definitely people out there who got together to drink and laugh out loud while watching this movie. And those who didn’t, said they couldn’t bear to watch it and stopped watching. Since they immediately develop a dislike for it. And the people who watched it seriously are hardcore robot fans, or Gundam fans…… they probably watched it very passionately (laughs). When you remove all of that, the message is clear. It’s completely anachronistic….. well, rather than anachronistic, I think what he’s doing is to a certain extent effective. It’s similar to what I was doing last year (Patlabor 2?).....he's speaking very sincerely, but depending on what kind of world and audiences see this movie, it will become a very unfortunate movie.

Anno: I think that movie is so one-sided though. I can’t imagine he had the audience in mind while he was making it. 

Oshii: Well there was a sense of agitation, “there’s no way you’ll understand!”

Anno: I get that sense from the fighting spirit of the film. 

Oshii: Because humans are somewhat beyond saving, even if you look at history, we haven’t done anything good. Probably even in the next century, whether humans go out into space, humans will repeat the same stupidity, getting everything and everyone involved and ruining it. That’s why he said, if God isn’t going to do it, I will. 

Tsuge (Patlabor) and Char were thinking the same thing, basically wanting to impose punishment. It’s the story of a terrorist who, even if they don’t manage to impose that punishment, can reveal the naked truth just for a moment. It's the world that Miya-san hates most (laughs).

Miyazaki Hayao

Anno: But there’s probably a part of Miya-san that actually wants to write that kind of story. 

Oshii: Somewhere yes. Take Nausicaa for example, within that world called “Nausicaa” there are characters with that sort of “scent.” Even that person (Miyazaki) has his own variations of this. It’s just that he has internalized that making it a reality would be a bad thing. 

Anno: But his true feelings are Lepka (Future Boy Conan) or somewhere around there. 

Oshii: Yes his real thoughts are somewhere different. That’s because that person is very strategic about what he puts out into the world and how. And it’s not necessary for the work to align with his truth. 

Anno: Speaking of revealing one’s truth, I had expectations for Porco Rosso but what part of that was true, damn it (laughs). 

Oshii: His truth was in there. But not of observations on humanity or the world, his truths about his personal life was the only thing in it. Especially surrounding troubles with women (laughs). And of course, only people who know him personally would understand such a thing. In that sense, it goes far beyond the craftiness of Patlabor; Porco Rosso is way more sly. He let everything out in that film and even left excuses for himself. 

When you take off the pig mask, Miya-san is underneath. If he truly wanted to create a world that’s so unheard of and positive like that, why did the pig need to wear a trenchcoat and smoke? They just need to be going oink oink. It would’ve been a much more fun anime that way. If he wanted to make an anime that’ll make the kids happy, then there’s no need to make it so hard boiled, they should’ve just been oinking….cause pigs don’t need to speak.  The pig goes oink oink, and is for some reason is good at piloting a plane. Then it would’ve been so much fun. But it’s not like that. And the reason it's not is because he wanted to show his truth….more like, he wanted to dispel his own sorrows through making this film. The audiences had it okay but his staff who had to go along with this are so pitiful. That’s the true pig curse. I bet they couldn’t stand it. Because they’re Miya-san’s excuse.

[maevemarethyu]

The Pack (3/?)

(Not my GIF)

(Bucky Barnes x Reader)

The Night Wolves. New York’s most prolific and secretive gang. Always watching yet somehow always out of reach. Always slipping through the Avengers grasp.

Until they got you.

You were a street rat. A grunt working for the most gruesome group of criminals New York had ever seen.

Captain America wasn’t expecting much when they brought you in, he certainly wasn’t expecting you and his best friend to get along so well. You were a courier, nothing more.

Or so they thought.

Warnings: Violence, Cursing, Talks of Murder, Actual Murder, Talks of Abuse, Kidnapping, Depictions of Abuse, Crude Humor, Sexual Humor, Bucky Barnes (because he needs a warning all in himself), Sad Boi Hours.

You groan against the rays of sunlight the next morning, regretting that you let Wanda keep you up as late as she had.

Mountains of snacks and Sam Wilson being scared out of his shorts wasn’t what you had been expecting from movie night, but you weren’t disappointed in the least. For some reason you thought the Avengers would be the no talking and veggie trays type of movie watchers. Thankfully that wasn’t the case and you were able to eat your body weight in caramel corn once you got it out of Bucky’s grasp. The man had a serious sweet tooth and that somehow added to his disgustingly perfect charm in your eyes.

You had half a mind to think that it was nothing more than an elaborate ploy to gain your trust. Had being the operative word. After watching the man spill and entire milkshake on his lap when you accidentally brushed up against him on the couch you decided that the man couldn’t put up a front for the life of him.

Even if you ended up being wrong, you were impressed.

When you finally open your eyes, your mind wanders to Flora and Maeve. More than a week had passed since you last saw them. No matter how humble and welcoming the Scarlet Witch was, she wasn’t your sister like those two were.

You once again find yourself regretting this plan. There had to be another way. It didn’t even have to be a better way. Just any way other than this.

The clock on your phone reads seven in the morning and you groan again. Normally by this time you were sitting in your office, planning another hit with your choice of coffee in hand. Gracie would be winding through your legs and the girls would be hounding you to take better care of yourself. You banish the memory with a shake of your head. Daydreaming wouldn’t solve your problems. You were stuck here until the end of the month. Only twenty-six more days to go but, who’s counting.

Not you, that’s for sure.

There’s a familiar knock at your door and you debate between pretending to be asleep of answering it.

The choice is made for you when Bucky’s baritone voice calls out. “Hey, uh, Wanda wanted me to ask you to meet her in the common room.”

You decide to feign sleep.

“She also left you some clothes.” He adds.

The sound that passes through your lips is somewhere between a moan and a growl. Were all the Avengers morning people? You didn’t think you could handle that.

You definitely couldn’t handle Rogers’ holier than thou aura before noon.

Rolling out of bed, you stretch your arms above your head and open the door mid-yawn. You throw in a pout for good measure when you meet Bucky’s baby blues. To your satisfaction, a blush rises on the man’s face. Serves him right for waking you so early after a late night.

“Thanks Bucky.”  Hopefully he doesn’t realize the sincerity in your voice is forced when, in an odd sense of déjà vu, you take the bundle of clothes from his hands. “I’ll give you your shirt back after I wash it.”

He mumbles something along the lines of take your time before flashing you a shy smile and making his way back towards his room. After his blunder last night, he’d begun to relax around you more. He laughed a bit harder when Sam cracked jokes and relaxed into the couch next to you after changing where as he had been stiff as a board when everyone first took their seats.

Honestly, if you though his voice was velvet; his laugh was in knee-buckling league of its own.

Barnes was a complete package and you think it a shame that you were natural enemies. The both of you could have done great things together.

Your phone goes off on your nightstand, breaking you out of the great things you were imagining, and you dash for it.

It’s a call from Liza, Flora’s cover contact, and you could just scream in glee. This was her first attempt at contact and like hell you were going to miss it.

“Hello?” You answer in a sing-song.

“Hey girlie. I haven’t seen you at the shop in a while! Are you okay? How are things?” Her familiar voice warms your heart. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that this call was being recorded so you had to choose your next words carefully.

“Sorry to worry you. I’ve had a really hectic week, so much has happened. I had to leave the city for a while because of dad but, I’m safe I promise you. I’ve met some really nice people that are letting me stay with them. They’re looking out for me while we get dad back on his feet.” Holding the phone between your ear and shoulder, you begin to slide out of your clothes and pull on the clean ones.

“Really? That’s nice of them. What are they like?” There was an edge to Flora’s voice that only you would notice. She was worried for obvious reasons.

“Well the first few days were rough because it was all guys and they’re clueless on how to deal with women.”

You hope Flora could read between the lines. The men are clueless and suspect nothing. Let alone that I’m the Alpha. Sexism at its finest.

“Oh geez.” You snort at her exclamation. “But, you said the first few days. I’m assuming there’s another girl there now?”

You nod even though she can’t see you. “Mhm. She really nice and really helpful. I’m surprised the men can function without her. She wears the pants around here. I’m actually going to meet with her now.”

Translation: She’s the brains and powerful to boot. We should be weary of her.

“As she should.” Flora proclaims haughtily. “You be careful okay? And let me know when you’ll be back! We miss you.”

Your hand pauses while slipping on a sock. “I miss you guys too. Hopefully we can get dad better and come home soon. This place isn’t home.”

“Home is where the heart is Val. Toodles!”

After the call disconnects, you stare at your phone in shock. You never, in the time you’ve known Flora, thought you would hear the woman say toodles. You never thought you’d hear anyone use the word. This whole plan was bringing out the crazy in all of you.

You make for your door, shoes in hand, ready to face the Witch. Flora’s call had lifted a weight from your shoulders and you’re able to walk down the hall with a pep in your step. Things were going to plan and nothing put you in a better mood, even if it was a plan you despised with every fiber of your being. You even managed a cheery hello to the Star Spangled Ken Doll when you pass him.

He reciprocates with wide eyes that follow you down the hall.

Wanda is waiting for you on the couch; sat next to her is a face you had only known through magazines.

“Hey Valerie!” The witch greets with a smile. “This is Pepper Potts-Stark.”

You knew who she was; of course you did. The woman was a legend. Starting as Tony Stark’s assistant she eventually married the billionaire and proceeded to take over his company when he passed. Since she gained control, Stark Industries had skyrocketed to numbers even its founder couldn’t reach. The woman was the best businesswoman in the world and a mother on top of that.

“It’s nice to meet you.” The woman grins, extending a hand for you to shake, which you do with wide eyes.

“Me?” You guffaw. This woman was your goddam hero Valerie Mason or not. “It’s nic-amazing to meet you. Mrs. Pot-“

“Please, call me Pepper.”

“Pepper.” You rectify giddily. “Its very nice to meet you too.”

“Wanda told me the boys brought you in here without any clothes or other necessities. I give you full permission to smack the hell out of them. I swear, the three of them would lose their heads if they weren’t attached to their bodies. I’m pretty sure FRIDAY has to remind them to wash their hair.” The redhead whispers conspiratorially with a roll of her eyes and you could swoon on the spot.

“So, since Steve has refused to let us take you back to your apartment, we’re going to be taking you shopping.” Wanda continues as the duo stands. You could cry tears of joy. Shopping with the Pepper Potts.

And Scarlet Witch, of course but, Pepper Potts.

But, you weren’t you. You were Valerie Mason and she would say- “I can’t let you do that. I can deal with what I have. You’ve already done so much.”

“You won’t talk her out of it.” Pepper laughs. “We’re taking you out. End of discussion.”

“But Captain Rogers-“

“Is staying in a building I own. If he doesn’t like it he can leave.” The billionaire shrugs and you weigh the pros and cons of proposing to her right there.

“Besides. We need dresses for the upcoming gala. You included.” Wanda affirms while looping her arm through yours. “And you need something other than Bucky’s shirt to wear around.”

It’s Pepper’s turn to look at you with wide eyes. You guessed it wasn’t every day Barnes gave his clothing to strange women. The knowledge filled you with a twisted sense of pride but, you duck your head to avoid the woman’s gaze.

You wait until you’re out of the building to lift your head. The fresh air felt amazing to breathe in. The morning sun left you feeling energized and warm.

The car that pulls up in front of you is the same model you have stored in your garage and it sends a pang of longing through your heart. You missed your car.

And your cat.

And your bed.

And your pool.

And-

“Are you ready?” Pepper asks, opening a door for you. All thoughts of the things you missed fly from your head (aside from Gracie that is) as you squeeze into the luxury vehicle.

“As I’ll ever be.”

Maybe this month wouldn’t be awful after all.

By the time you return to the compound, your feet are aching and your arms feel as though they’re about to fall off due to the weight of your bags.

You’re so absorbed in your wallowing that you almost walk past the giant green thing in the kitchen.

Almost.

Wanda had warned you that Banner was coming home today but, you had forgotten somewhere between SoHo and Manhattan. His back was turned to you so, you take the time to observe him. The man was huge. The videos of him scaling buildings and taking down aliens didn’t do him justice. According to the Witch he had mellowed out completely but, that did little to calm your nerves.

You relax when you hear the signature clinking of a spoon being stirred in a mug. The Hulk was making tea if your sense of smell was on point.

You debate not introducing yourself and just making a break for you room before deciding against it. You’d rather meet him one on one rather than in a room filled with watchful eyes.

“Um… Hi.” You start, starling the man. “You must be Bruce Banner.”

The green giant turns towards you slowly and you’re taken aback by how kind his eyes look behind his small glasses. He holds a teacup between his thumb a pointer finger, which he’s careful not to spill.

Banner nods, extending his unoccupied hand before thinking better of it and retracting the gesture. “You must be Valerie Mason.” His eyes travel to the copious bags in your hands and he grins shyly. “Pep and Wanda got to you I see.”

“Apparently I’m going to a gala and I needed a dress.”

Banner’s eyes turn solemn at your words and you fear you may have said something wrong. The last thing you needed was for the Hulk to lose his cool and throw you out a window.

“Is it that time of year already?” He mutters; more to himself than you. He must see the question in your eyes because he clears his throat. “It’s the gala celebrating Thanos’ defeat and to remember those we lost. Tony, Vision-“

“And Natasha.” You finish. You had heard rumors of the romance between the Hulk and Black Widow but, you’d always chalked it up to a reporter’s overactive imagination. The pain on his face tells you that those weren’t just rumors. “I’m sorry. It must be hard.”

“Yeah well, it doesn’t get easier.” The teacup shudders between his fingers and, for a moment, you fear that it would shatter in his grip.

It doesn’t and the giant man lets out a sigh. “I should probably get back to the lab. You should stop by if you’re interested in… well anything really. We’ve got it all.”

You’d have to take him up on that offer. Sure, the Hulk’s size was intimidating but, you were never one to back down from a challenge and the opportunity to sift through one of Stark’s labs wasn’t one you’d miss.

“Thank you. I’d like that.” Banner gives you a tired smile before lumbering off and you almost pity him before you check yourself. You had a very limited amount of fucks to give on a given day and you weren’t going to waste a single one of them on the Avengers.

From the hall he disappeared down, you hear something shatter and a quiet shit.

…Okay, maybe you could spare one. Plus, strategically, getting the resident genius on your side could only help your position.

With an idea taking root in your brain, you rush towards your room, hitting the breaks before you crash into one Steve Rogers who doesn’t look like he’s moved since this morning.

“Sorry Captain Rogers. Didn’t see you there.” You stutter, turning on the awkward charm that, according to Pepper, Valerie Mason had in loads.

It doesn’t work. Blue eyes lock onto the bags in your hands and a frown mars the blond’s face.

In a split second decision, you shift your bags so that the several Victoria’s Secret logos are revealed and whatever the man was about to say dies in his throat. A blush crawls up Rogers’ neck as he mumbles incoherently before rushing off, leaving you in a state of victorious satisfaction.

He’s gone so quickly, its almost funny and you’re free to go to your room without persecution.

Not that Wanda would let the Captain berate you. You had a feeling the Witch was going to be one of your best assets in this situation. You felt for the woman. She had lost her parents, brother, and the love of her life and you almost feel guilty for using her need for attachments to your advantage.

You manage to open and close your door with your foot before promptly collapsing on the floor. Shopping with the richest woman in the world and the most powerful woman in the world was no joke. You were half-surprised you survived.

“Hey FRIDAY?” You call out from your place on the floor.

“Yes Miss Mason?” The AI replies cheerfully. You weren’t used to a cheerful AI. MARVI had an attitude you couldn’t seem to program out of him.

“Can you get me the numbers of a couple pottery studios willing to do custom pieces?”

There’s a beat of silence before she speaks again. “May I ask what the custom piece is?”

“A mug.” You sigh. “A really big mug.”

“I will get right on that Miss Mason.”

Your room goes silent once more and you revel in it. You had always preferred the quiet of an empty room to the non-stop chatter of a party. It was the main reason you had gotten a home far from the city. Wildflowers and green fields as far as the eye can see had always attracted you more than sky high buildings and the constant bustle of everyone thinking their lives are more important than common fucking courtesy.

You had lost count of how many people you wanted to throttle for bumping into you on the sidewalk.

No matter how much you wished to stay in your place on the floor, you had a feeling Pepper wouldn’t forgive you if you let the dress she bought wrinkle because you were too lazy to hang it up. It would be a shame; the dress was beautiful even if you didn’t want to go to the gala it was for.

You had a feeling that emotions would be running high during the memorial and emotions weren’t really your forte. You feared that your lack of understanding would completely blow your cover. For as long as you could remember you worked liked a robot from one job to another. There was a certain amount of feeling in your line of work but, nothing like what the Avengers had faced.

Now, now. Enough of that.

You pull yourself off of the floor with a huff and remove the dress from its bag before unfolding it. You’d have to get it tailored because the store only had it in a size larger than yours but, you couldn’t pass the gown up. Wanda had pulled the black dress with gold detailing with such glee that saying no would have been akin to kicking a puppy and you were above animal abuse.

After hanging the dress up, you move on to the other bags, folding and putting away their contents until all that’s left are the same bags you used to scare the Captain away.

He was pathetic. One of Earth’s mightiest heroes running away from a striped bag. Maeve would get a kick out of that.

Wanda would too. You’d have to tell her tonight at dinner and you were quite looking forward to it for the first time since being brought here.

After dinner, you’d have to go up to the roof as well. Pepper had mentioned that it used to be her favorite place in the compound at night. That she could see the stars for miles and, more importantly, it was deserted and there were no cameras.

Staying in the confines of your room would drive you mad if you let it so, when the woman told her about the little escape, you made it a goal of yours to spend a bit of time out there every night.

In blissful loneliness.

 After dinner (complete with Wanda teasing the Captain about the bag incident) and after you’re sure everyone else has gone to bed you slip on a new set of sleeping clothes before making your way to the kitchen.

It looked eerie with only one light illuminating the area but, you make do. After searching the cabinets, you finally find where the mugs were stored then, you start the process of boiling water. It was chilly tonight and you’d be damned if you went to sit on the roof with nothing to fight off the cold.

As you wait for the water to heat, your mind wanders to dinner once more. It was the second time you had eaten with the Avengers but, the first time you had been so nervous that you hadn’t really taken anything in. Now that you had time to study the group, you had noticed a few oddities.

But, at the top of your list was the way the Winter Soldier refused to look his Captain in the eye; or even look at him in general. Your first assumption was that, much to your dismay, the Captain was more Bucky’s type than you were but, then you saw it.

It was brief – only a flicker in Bucky’s blue eyes but, it was one of the only emotions you understood completely.

Anger.

Anger mixed with something you could only describe as betrayal. Something Rogers did hurt his best friend beyond repair and you wanted to know what. You don’t even attempt to integrate it into your mission. You just wanted to sate your own curiosity and another, dare you say protective, part of you needs to know why anyone would hurt the human embodiment of a cinnamon roll.

Barnes was so sweet you could eat him up.

The whistling of the kettle brings you back to reality and you quickly pull it off of the stove before the noise wakes any of the other residents.

The drawer next to you opens on its own accord, nearly giving you a heart attack before you see the boxes of tea sat inside.

“Thanks FRIDAY.” You grin with a low voice as you search through the boxes. Next to a tiny jar of honey is a container of lavender and you take it as a sign. While the tea steeps you pour in a healthy dollop of honey before making your way to the elevator.

The warmth of the mug seeps into your bones and one sip of it brings a bright smile to your face and you climb the floors. You’d have to ask FRIDAY about ordering a book for you to read during your nights on the roof.

The elevator doors open with a quiet ding and your smile grows as you step out of the box and follow the signs down the dimly lit hallway. You were only a few steps away from the beginnings of a new and solitary tradition of yours: dream of your future plans of calling Maeve and Flora without watchful eyes on you as you push the door open.

The dream is quickly shattered when you spot another lone figure standing at the railing and a hiss of disappointment leaves your throat before you can stop it.

The figure was definitively male and white which really rained on your parade since the only two white guys in the tower were super soldiers with super hearing and that meant he heard you open the door.

You curse your excellent deductive reasoning as the figure turns, moonlight shining off of a metal appendage.

“Oh, it’s just you.” Once again, your mouth works faster than your brain but, the same can’t be said for the man staring at you with an open mouth. “Sorry to interrupt. I’ll just go.”

You go to turn on your heel but, Bucky’s gruff voice stops you in your tracks. “No wait. I’ll go. You can-“

He was back at it with the puppy eyes and overly sweet demeanor. The way he shyly shuffles his feet and stumbles over his words were quickly becoming your kryptonite.

You find yourself shaking your head in refusal. “You were here first.”

Blue eyes lock with yours and you let out a nervous laugh befitting of your cover. Something about this man never failed to catch you off guard and, as someone who craved control, you hated it.

“Or.” He mumbles after a moment. “We could both stay. If you want.”

You didn’t want. You wanted to sit on top of the building alone and be yourself. You wanted to drop this innocent girl act and scowl to your heart’s desire. You wanted to flip off the moon and curse at the stars.

You wanted to be you and you couldn’t do that with Barnes watching you from two feet away.

You almost decline before you think better of it. It was late and no doubt the man was tired. You had learned a long time ago that people were willing to admit things in the dark that they would never voice out loud with the sun’s ray warming their body. People don’t feel judged by the moon’s gentle gaze.

This would be your first step in the direction of getting to know what the Avengers know and then some.

You knew your answer but, you didn’t like it one bit. “I’d like that.”

Tags: @cherryblossomskye​  @hollarious  @vicmc624 

[himbowelsh]

PLEASE IF YOU CAN Valentine's Day headcanons for Daniel Jackson from saving private ryan ❤❤❤

valentines day alphabet  ( accepting! )

seeing as we don’t get much backstory on jackson in the movie, i took inspiration from the first draft of rodat’s script  ---  it’s very different from the finished product, but jackson actually talks about his home and family, so hey, i’ll take it.

A   :   AFFECTION.   how does your muse show affection?

He’s very much not the PDA type. It’s not something he’s comfortable with  ---  caring for someone, in his experience, shouldn’t be a loud gesture. Jackson’s not the type to verbalize his affection, but he shows it off in actions. He’ll offer his coat to someone when they’re shivering, share his last cigarette, wordlessly lay his hand over someone else’s when it seems they need steadying...  Jackson’s affection is obviously, and grounded in stone.

B   :   BOUQUET.   does your muse like flowers? which ones are their favourite?

His mama raised him right  ---  if you’re visiting someone’s home for an occasion, you bring the lady of the house flowers. He doesn’t usually give them out as presents, but he will show up with some for any party or lunch date at someone else’s home. (All his friends’ moms adore him.) Usually they’re wildflowers which he’s picked himself and arranged into a neat little bouquet  ---  Jackson doesn’t believe in spending money on flowers when so many nice ones are growing outside all the time.

C   :   CHOCOLATE.   does your muse like chocolate? which one is their favourite?

He’s got a particular fondness for it, especially not having had much of it growing up. Legitimately thinks dark chocolate is good, and will say as much to anyone who asks, with no idea why this makes certain Reiben people so angry.

D   :   DATE.   what is your muse’s ideal date? where / who with / etc?

He’s a simple man; doesn’t need a lot. Maybe a nice nature walk, just the two of them, where they can fill the silence with soft conversation? That sounds nice...  or maybe a night under the stars, laying side-by-side on a blanket in a field somewhere, a campfire smouldering next to them, while they stare up at an incredibly bright night. There’s no better place to feels close to the heavens, or his partner.

E   :   EMBRACE.   does your muse like hugs? what are their hugs like?

Jackson’s hugs are serious, very firm, tight enough to press some of his own strength into the other person’s body. He usually only hugs to offer someone comfort  ---  one-armed, pulling them against his chest just so they know they aren’t alone. Softer things, like snuggling...  well, he’s never really done that, outside of childhood puppy piles with the cousins, so he’d have to relearn the skill.

F   :   FLIRT.   is your muse good at flirting? how do they flirt?

Jackson isn’t refined, but his charm is undeniable  ---   when out on the town, he’s impressive without trying. Maybe it’s the confidence, maybe it’s the smooth way he handles himself, maybe it’s that he can hold his liquor like a champ but is more willing to show off his beautiful grin with a few beers in him...  Jackson rarely has a problem getting acquainted with women.

G   :   GIFT.   is your muse good at gift - giving or do they struggle to get it right?

He doesn’t have a lot of money for gifts, is the thing. As a kid, they always exchanged homemade stuff, but somehow it’s not as cute from an adult man; so Jackson tends to save his money, not scattering gifts throughout the year, but treating his loved ones to big, expensive gifts once in a blue moon. He bought an ice cream maker, he bought a piano  ---  once, he and his brothers even pooled their money to buy their mother a spa vacation. Jackson’s gifts are very useful, and enjoyed by more than one person. (Intimate gifts, just for one  ---  like, for a partner  ---  make him nervous, and he’s never quite sure what to buy.)

H   :   HEART.   is your muse quick or slow to give their heart away?

He’s got a few walls up, and they’re hard to take down; he doesn’t like getting close to people, and doesn’t like them knowing too much about him. People are nosy, and don’t always have the best intentions...  so he’d need someone to grow on him slowly, while he can gradually let them in more and more.

I    :   I LOVE YOU.   does your muse find ‘i love you’ easy or hard to say?

This is something he genuinely never thought about before getting into a relationship. It’s...  harder to say than he imagined it’d be. Jackson’s a man of few words in general, so when he does say it out loud, it means something.

J   :   JEALOUSY.   does your muse get jealous in a relationship?

He does, in a very quiet way. It’s not something he’ll speak up about. Jackson’s a watcher, a waiter, and he’ll observe the situation from a distance to first decide if there’s anything he should be concerned about. He trusts his partner implicitly, he just doesn’t trust other fellas around them. If the other person doesn’t step off after awhile, he’s not above challenging them to something, like a shooting match or a game of darts, just to casually assert his superiority...  and then, if they still don’t get the hint, he’ll pull them aside and warn in a low voice that they should keep distance from his partner.

K   :   KISS.   is your muse a good kisser? why / why not?

Jackson is a very intense kisser. He loves steering his partner, pulling them close with his left hand while cupping their face with his right; one thumb will stroke over their cheekbone as the motion of their lips steadily builds heat. He might slowly guide them back against the nearest surface, so he can loom over them, slowly baring down; when his lips get involved, nipping and teasing his partner’s lips, that’s when he starts to get really serious.

L   :   LOVE.   who does your muse love?

First and foremost, Jesus Christ, his lord and savior. Then his family, all thirty-two of them (give or take a few cousins); Jackson’s particularly close to his mother, who he thinks is the most patient woman God ever put on this earth. He’s got a deep love for some of the friends he made while at war, and is the sort of man who’d hold them in his heart even if he hadn’t seen them in years.

M   :   MOONLIGHT.   is morning or night a more romantic setting?

At night, he prefers to be asleep, and has no trouble getting that way. (Jackson’s well-known for his talent of passing out anywhere.) Anytime before noon are the perfect hours to spend with his partner, doing anything they like; he’s always a fan of a good breakfast, so given the opportunity, he’d love to share it with his partner.

N   :   NAUGHTY.   what is your muse like in bed?

He takes it slow; there’s no rush, after all, and half the fun is in building up the sensations until both he and his partner are ready to burst. Jackson is very serious about foreplay...  and very skilled at it. He trails his hands slowly up and down his partner’s body, devoting special attention to any areas that snare his interest. While he doesn’t say anything, he’ll humm or sigh, sometimes even chuckling at his partner’s reactions; he prefers to be in control, but it’s exhilarating when his partner flips the dynamic. Jackson’s hips are his one weakness, kept carefully hidden; he’s very sensitive there, and any attention paid to the sharp curve of his hipbones will get him overwhelmed very quickly, head falling back as he bites back a moan.

O   :   ODE.   does your muse have a way with words?

Jackson grew up listening to his papa and uncles preach. Though plainspoken men in practice, up on that pulpit, they transformed; they could take the words of the Gospels straight from the page, give them wings, and send them soaring. From them, Jackson learned the virtue of eloquence, the skill of talking yourself up and making your intentions know. He’s a man of few words, but when he does speak, those words are well-articulated and full of intention.

P   :   PARTNER.   what does your muse look for in a partner? looks / personality?

Honestly, Jackson would do best with a partner who’s also religious  ---  someone who’s faith matters to them as much as it does to him. He was raised in a travelling ministry  ---  while he’s always kind of expected to follow that path, meeting his partner might change his mind, but faith will always be a bit part of his life. He’ll want to raise a religious family. Aside from that...  a partner who’s empathetic, who cares about people, who doesn’t feel the need to constantly fill silences, nonjudgemental, not too high-maintenance. Maybe someone who enjoys being outdoors, who loves animals, especially dogs...  someone who likes to dance, because Jackson loves to...  someone with a warm smile.

Q   :   QUESTION.   would your muse ask the big question or expect their partner to?

He’d absolutely ask, but it’d have to be in his own time. While Jackson wouldn’t be able to afford an expensive ring, he’d hope his partner would settle for his mother’s wedding band, passed through the family since his great-grandmother stole it from a travelling circus. Jackson would find a quiet patch of field  ---   somewhere with a nice view, maybe looking out over a wheat field or a meadow of flowers  ---  and lure his partner up there with the promise of a picnic. Only as they’re packing up the scraps, after a very pleasant afternoon, would he get down on one knee. “Nothing would make me a happier man than to spend the rest of my god-given life with you...  if you’ll have me.”

R   :   ROMANCE.   is your muse a romantic or a cynic?

He’s got a romantic side, and won’t deny it. Given the opportunity and the means, Jackson would love to treat his partner; he wants to see them smiling over a dinner he made himself, to see candlelight dance in their eyes and a ring he got them on their finger. Unfortunately, he’s aware of his own limited means   ---   he may never have the money to wine-and-dine his lover in the world’s most romantic places, so they’ll have to settle with making every day special, in little ways. None of his friends would expect it of him, but he’s got a real soul for romance.

S   :   SWEETHEART.   did your muse have a childhood sweetheart?

He traveled a lot with the family ministry, so Jackson never stayed in place long enough. He didn’t go to school as a boy (which is why his reading’s not quite up to snuff) so his interaction with other kids, outside of the extended family, was limited. Never had a chance to find a sweetheart.

T   :   TRUE LOVE.   does your muse believe in true love?

Sure  ---  call him traditional, or a romantic, or whatever you like. It’s no skin off his back. Jackson believes love is the purest form of human emotion, what God created mankind to do. If they were put on this earth with the ability to kill, they’ve got to love twice as hard to make up for it...   and maybe the people who’ve never taken a life are able to love the most, but loving comes naturally to most everyone.

U   :   UNREQUITED.   has your muse had their heart broken?

Thankfully, no. He doesn’t have many things haunting his dreams at night, and does his best not to dwell on the past. The worst he’s been hurt in life is losing his grandpa, seeing one of the family dogs catch rabies, and seeing his family go hungry some nights. Nothing romantical, just the aches 'n pains of life.

V   :   VALENTINE.   how does your muse feel about valentine’s day?

It’s...  not something his family ever celebrated? Lowkey, it just wasn’t a thing for them, so while he was aware of it, it was never a big deal. Should he get a partner who wants to participate in the holiday, Jackson will make every effort to learn  ---  and probably become dead-set on giving them the best damn Valentine’s Day they’ve ever had  ---   but he might be a little clueless. 

W  :   WEDDING.   would your muse get married? why / why not?

Yessir. Not a question he has to think about. Getting married is something he definitely wants  ---  the idea of spending the rest of his life with someone appeals to him, so long as it’s someone who loves him back. Jackson doesn’t need constant passion; he’ll settle for companionship, good company, and a bit of love. Marriage seems like the best way to make if official.

X   :   XOXO.   does your muse use / like pet names?

Nothing embarrassing. (He’s very sensitive to embarrassing nicknames, having been called “Jackrabbit” by his family for the first twelve years of his life.) Jackson sticks to the traditional “darling”, and it’s a favorite. Uttered in that honey-sweet accent, he knows just how to make his partner blush.

Y   :   YOURS.   does your muse get protective easily?

Very protective, and he doesn’t mess around. When Jackson sets his mind to it, he’s intimidating as hell. He’ll come up behind someone, looming taller than his actual height, with a glare on his face that could wilt flowers. Anyone who doesn’t take the hint and step off  ---   quickly  ---  is asking for a chance to become personally acquainted with the Lord.

Z   :   ZZZ.   how many people has your muse slept with?

...  he comes from a small, extremely religious community that would not take kindly to sleeping around. Daniel hasn’t had many partners. Maybe 3, maybe 4? Most of them were found overseas. Good Lord’s always watching, even in the bedroom.  (He always gives the Lord a show.)

[bookishdiplodocus]

Writing humor

George of the Jungle: A case study

I’m analysing several forms of humor in the 1997 movie George of the Jungle, and I would like to share it with you. Remember, this is a family movie, the humor is not that finetuned and often targeted towards children. Even if a movie is not your style, you can learn from it. If you want to do your own analysis, I would advise you to pick a movie with a form of humor that’s relevant in your writing. (This seems obvious, but I personally enjoy more forms of humor than I can use in my writing style and genre.)

How do I go about it, analysing jokes?

George of the Jungle is a very joke-dense movie, it averages about 2 jokes per minute, often using different humor layers within the same joke. It’s a lot, considering it also introduces all the characters and set up the storyline in between the jokes!

Every time a joke is made, I write it down word for word and try to see why exactly it is funny. Try to be as specific as possible. This is the difficult part, obviously. I included some examples to make it clear for you. Often the answer is “Contrast” or “Subverting expectations”. Obviously not all the jokes are laugh out loud funny, and they don’t need to be. Some jokes just lighten up the scene without even making you smile, or without making casual watchers notice it is in fact humor.

Bonus points if you can tell certain forms of humor are tied to certain characters. (In this case: slapstick for George when he swings into a tree again, contrast between what is said and reality for mean guy Lyle etc.)

Some examples from the case study

But first, some warnings:

Obviously there will be spoilers for this movie in this post. It’s hard to show you how a joke works without giving you the joke.

Analysing jokes makes them less funny, in the same way that analysing plot lines or storytelling techniques can make books lose their glamour.

Alright, here we go. Because this will be a longish post, I’ll put the other examples under the Read More.

Example 1:

Lyle: “I am the richest, handsomest, smartest guy here, so I get to go first!”

[Established mean guy Lyle passes by everyone, almost shoving them out of the way. He promptly trips over a tree root and lands face first in a huge pile of steaming elephant dung.]

Lyle: [lifting his head up] “There’s an elephant around here.”

Carrier: [looking right into the camera] “Bad guy falls into poop. Classical element of physical comedy. Now comes the element where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?

Other carriers: [also looking right into the camera] “Ready!”

[They throw their heads back and laugh.]

[Nearby monkey also laughs and points at Lyle.]

[Off-screen, more animals start laughing at Lyle.]

Lyle: [Spits out some elephant poop] “Those are nowhere near properly digested.”

[Carriers still laughing off-screen]

Lyle: “In case anyone is wondering, I’m okay.”

Technical analysis:

Lyle might be the richest, but definitely not the handsomest and smartest guy: contrast between what he says and reality. (As I told you, this is a recurring technique for him, perfect to show his personality.)

Lyle faceplanting into a pile of elephant dung: poop humor, slapstick (physical humor), the feeling that he gets what he deserves.

“There’s an elephant...”: stating the obvious. And, he says it in a deadpan kind of way.

“Bad guy falls into poop. Classical element of physical comedy”: breaking the fourth wall big time, looking right into the lens, refering to genre conventions, explaining the joke to us. Breaking the fourth wall is a meta humor in which the characters are aware of genre conventions of a fictional story (in this case, the presence of the camera/audience) and sometimes, like in this case, of the fact that they are characters in a fictional story.

“Now comes the element where we throw our heads back and laugh”: refering to a trope, genre conventions, while still breaking the fourth wall by looking straight in the camera.

Repetition: first the carriers announce what they will do in detail and right after they execute it exactly like that. It’s similar to the jokes where the narrator uses a certain phrase and right after a character uses exactly the same phrase. (See example no. 5.)

Monkeys and off-screen animals: hyperbole. Basicly, an exaggeration, in this case, built-up in steps: first his companions, then one non-human, then what seems to be the entire wilderness.

“Nowhere near properly digested”: dirty/poop humor (eww he had poop in his mouth), characterisation (Lyle is the kind of guy who will complain about everything), subversing our expectations (that’s not the first thing you and I would say when we face plant into a pile of poop).

“In case anyone is wondering”: By now, we know what kind of a man Lyle is. This, and the fact that the carriers are still laughing, implies that no-one is wondering if Lyle is okay. Again, contrast between reality and what he says

Example 2:

Narrator: “When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain...” [They see a mountain shaped like a gorilla head] “...they reacted with awe.”

All: “Aww.”

Narrator: “I said “awe”! A-W-E.”

All: “Ooh!”

Narrator: “That’s better.”

Technical analysis:

Ape Mountain is shaped like a gorilla head: visual humor, subverting expectations about geographical naming conventions, breaking the conventions of a fictional movie (the shape of the mountain is obviously a joke for the watchers, not for the sake of the inhabitants in this world, or a concidence), subverting the expectations of our geological knowledge (what are the odds of a mountain actually being shaped like a gorilla head? In the real world, we sometimes see animals or other figures in mountain shapes, but not as detailed as this.)

Aww / awe: It’s a play on words, because “awe” and “aww” sound the same.

The narrator interacts with the characters and the characters are aware of the nattaror: meta humor: breaking the fourth wall.

Example 3:

[Mean guy Lyle jumps on the rope bridge, making everybody swing dangerously. An indigenous carrier falls dramatically into the deep chasm.]

Narrator: “Don’t worry, nobody dies in this story. They just get really big boo-boos.”

Lyle: “You know, they shouldn’t let unexperienced carriers like that on these tracks.”

Technical analysis:

Meta humor: breaking the fourth wall: the narrator is aware of the genre conventions + he is aware of our presence.

“Big boo-boos”: Language, contrast between the children’s word and the tough men in the harsh wilderness.

Subverting expectations: when you fall into a deep chasm, you don’t expect to get away with just some boo-boos. A boo-boo is the kind of thing you fix with a band-aid and a kiss.

Lyle’s remark: he is the reason the carrier fell. Contrast between what happened and what Lyle says.

Bonus: characterisation. Remarks like these, and especially the contrast between what happened and how Lyle sees/portrays it, show how self-centered he is.

Example 4:

Lyle: [takes a polaroid picture of the carrier.] “Do you like it? Magic picture. Yet another gift from America. Here you go. You’re welcome.”

[Carrier answers something in Swahili, not translated.]

[All the native Africans laugh out loud.]

Carrier: “[Swahili] ... 35 mm.” [Takes a fancy camera out of his own backpack and takes a picture of Lyle.]

[All the native Africans laugh.]

Lyle: [not amused] “Translation, please.”

Guide: “He says he likes your magic pictures, but he prefers the resolution of the Leica 35 mm transparencies.” [Everybody except Lyle laughs.] “He also says your lens is dirty, but he has the equipment to clean it for you.” [More laughter.]

Technical analysis:

This joke consists of 3 parts.

The set-up: Lyle is the arrogant dck who’s come from America to show the indiginous people what cultural civilisation is. We think we know where this is going...

Subverting our expectations: The carrier is not impressed, he knows Polaroid and has a camera of his own. He’s Lyle’s equal, not subversive. The way the carrier takes a picture of Lyle is a mirrored action of Lyle taking a picture of him. The similarities between these actions accentuate the differences.

Further subverting our expectations: the carrier has a lot of knowledge (implied: more than Lyle), he’s probably culturally more civilised than Lyle, beating Lyle at his own game.

Bonus: He shows his superiority in a polite way, showing he’s a better man than Lyle.

Example 5:

Narrator: “Meanwhile, at a very big and expensive waterfall set, Ursula was amazed that she was lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.”

Ursula: “And here I am, lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.”

Technical analysis:

“At a very big and expensive waterfall set”: breaking the fourth wall, referencing the fact that this is a movie with a set and a budget.

“lost in the wilderness with a jungle man”: literal repetition immediately afterwards. If Ursula can hear the narrator, it’s like he’s telling her what to say (meta). If she can’t hear the narrator, the joke lies in the “coincidence” of her saying exactly the same words he used about her, moments before.

Example 6:

Narrator: “... the carriers came dangerously close...”

Narrator: “... that is, dangerously close to shove a coconut up in Lyle’s...”

Narrator: “... (pause) sleeping bag.”

Technical analysis:

Playing with expectations: The first sentence implies they are close to a dangerous situation. The second sentence implies they are so irritated with Lyle they want to shove a coconut where the sun doesn’t shine. The third sentence doesn’t take away the second implication, but just makes it more family friendly, but it’s still a turn on our expectations of how the sentence will/can end.

Young children will find the turn between the second and third sentence hilarious, especially the implied “dirty humor”.

Example 7:

[Love interest Ursula has taken George home to Los Angeles. Her best friend shows up and starts to question Ursula.]

Ursula: “He’s in the shower.”

Friend: [Distracted by something behind Ursula] “Not anymore...”

[George enters the living room, still all wet, obviously naked (barely SFW), and for the first time his sexiness is accentuated, ironic for a man who wore a loin cloth for most of the movie.]

George: “Bad waterfall. First, water get hot -” [A saxophone starts playing off-screen.] then George slip on this strange yellow rock.” [George shows a bar of soap and drops it.]

[The perspective changes, shows the 2 friends from between George’s legs. They are obviously checking out his naked crotch.]

[Ursula sighs happily.]

George: [sees Ursula’s friend now] “Hi! George of Jungle.”

Friend: [eager] “Charmed, I’m sure.”

[Ursula strategically hands George a large book to cover his crotch. The camera zooms out now and we see George also from below the waist, still wet and tan and muscular. The friend is staring.]

Friend: [mumbles to herself, appreciatively] “Now I see why they made him king of the jungle.”

Technical analysis:

First, this is a gender reversal of a trope commonly used on female characters. I saw it described as “Born sexy yesterday”. A (usually female) character is new to this life/society/body/... and doesn’t realise that being naked has a certain effect on the other gender. In the 1990s, this was very common to happen to female characters, and not common at all for male characters.

Friend, distracted: the friend has a dirty mind.

Bonus: characterisation: Friend serves here as a contrast for Ursula, who hasn’t objectified or ogled George at all. In fact, this is the first time George is shown as sexy, so we see his sexiness through the perspective of the friend. This tells us something about the friend, but also about Ursula: he likes George for who he is, not how (incredibly sexy) he looks.

The saxophone: the movie is playing with genre expectations (off-screen saxophone means sexy time) as a hyperbole. The movie makers are pulling out all the registers in this scene to show off George’s sexiness.

“this strange yellow rock”: word choice, mental distance from an everyday object, contrast.

“I see why they made him king of the jungle”: this could be a continuity thing, but no-one has used the words “King of the jungle” up till now. So either a line was cut in which they use this phrase to refer to George, or the friend is aware of genre conventions, refering to Tarzan.

These are just some of the many, many jokes in this movie. I tried to make a small yet diverse selection.

I hope this was helpful. Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions, and happy writing!

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[popculturebuffet]

Nightmare Time Episode 1 Review: The Hatchetfield Ape-Man/Watcher World

I take a look at the first episode of Starkid’s new show Nightmare Time! Starkid, returns for a zoomcast, bringing back the casts of both Hatchefield plays for an anthology series of science fiction double feature picture shows! This week’s tales of terror:

The Hatchefield Ape-Man: A british heiress gets romanced by a shaved bigfoot with the help of everyone’s favorite kooky college professor. Forgotten fiances, murder and described nudity naturally insue. 

Watcher World: Bill and Alice return as Bill drags his daughter to a kitschy theme park for a day of family fun, which Alice enjoys and is as respectful about as much as you’d expect. As you’d also expect given Bill’s general luck, things take a turn for the Shining real quick. Spoilers and full review under the cut. 

Well this was a nice suprise. With the ongoing pandemic I genuinely did not think Starkid would be back anytime soon. Having just gotten back into them this years after several years of forgetting they existed via the Hatchetfield plays, I was pretty bummed, if understanding. So last week’s announcment of not only this series but a full scripted series from their sister production company the tin bros was a HUGE shot of happy I needed in this troubling times. Still need to watch spies are forver love the soundtrack nto important. 

Point is the Lang Brothers and their merry band of actors found a way to continue on via  format I didn’t realize existed outside of table reads but is a nice way to do things: The Zoomcast, basically a podcast done live on zoom, with the actors in plainclothes for the most part, with one person, in this case Nick Lang, reading out descriptions of what’s going on. Being a starkid production this also has musical director Matt Bohm playing accompaniment and pretaped if still via the actor’s own camera musical numbers. Overall while i’ts an understandably cheap production, only what costumes the actors have on hand and most props mimed, it WORKS, allowing for way more elaborate set pieces than the stage would allow and is anchored by Lang’s impeccable descriptions and the cast’s amazing as always acting really making the stories pop.  So things worked on a technical level despite having the barest of bones to work with. But did it work on a story level? Well yes, but if I ended my reviews with just that i’d have less than the 3 or 4 fans I do have, so without further ado, it’s nightmare time! The Intro: 

Now normally in my reviews I don’t talk about the intro because I come in mid way or because I just didn’t think to. This is an exception since 

A) I should be doing that anyway or at least when I cover a show’s first episode since intro’s are sometimes one of the most memorable parts of a show 

B) It’s a full musical number that’s been stuck in my head since the trailer for this series and has now set up an apartment there.  C) This series is a musical, if not to the same degree as the two plays before it, so it’d be weird NOT to talk about it’s signature song. 

So with that out of the way the intro.. is fucking impressive. Seriously taking disparate videos with probably as much as the directions “Sing this part of the song and be kind of creepy or alluring or whatever” and making it really flow? Good work, both to the starkids for bringing their a game to it as always and to Nick and Matt really did a good job   editing this together, musically and visually to be an abolute jawdrop. And somehow finding utterly stunning stock image animations that none of us realized were stock footage but still fit the tone perfectly. Just great stuff.  Some stray notes: Mariah is absolutely stunning in both voice and apperance in this, John Matheson’s bit as paul was great, and Jeff Blim of course got a great bit with his always astounding hair blowing in the breeze with him at full high pitch. Just an utterly great intro, and for Starkid’s first series in over a decade, and really ever but semantics, they really brought it. Good stuff. Onto the actual episode content. 

The Hatchetfield Ape-Man: Lucy, a british heiress played by Angela Giarratana, was saved by the legendary “Hatchefield Ape-Man”.. who apparently has a hyphen like spider-men because while sasquatches can do that. Point is she’s come back every year in the hopes of reuniting with her savior but has so far failed.  But as Lucy prepares to leave from this year’s failed expedition, an old friend finally gives her what she needs... old friend to us to her she’s just some grey haired lunatic who showed up out of the mist. Which while accurate, dosen’t quite quantify everyone’s favorite playwright/college professor/murderous psychopath/composer.

Yes at long last Professor Hidgens has returned! I honestly didn’t expect the anthology to bring in such a huge fan faviorite so soon. I mean I expected returning characters, mostly because the project allows old faviorites to come back for their own stories or for the stars of the musicals to get a chance at a much happier ending... there’s a lot of potetial there. That and let’s face it “Jane’s a Car” is a pretty dead giveaway it’s going to be about Tom’s dead wife and Tim’s dead mother coming back in horrible mash up of christine and my mother the car. Maybe. I could be wrong. I also doubt many of you know what my mother the car is and to that I say it’s an old sitcom i’m honestly suprised I know exists and know nothing about other than the title and it being about a son’s mom’s ghost possesing his car apparently. Well that and it was the basis for this. 

Point is, while I expected some returns, I wasn’t expecting one this large and this bombastic so soon, but BOY was it welcome.  So getting back on track after all that, HIdgens seemingly takes Lucy to meet her ape man, who goes by the name Klonk, played by everyone’s faviorite sexy caveman Joey Richter. Also it’s adorable he and Lauren share a streaming screen. I know practicality and all that but their engagment is genuinely a sweet thing to hear about at a time when the world’s going down the toilet fast. Fun Fact: I pegged the Ape-Man was either going to be Jeff or Joey, leaning towards Jeff, though given my love of Joey I wasn’t disapointed with him, especially with the twist... but I was EXASTIC to learn the answer was basically “Both.. kinda?”. But yeah Lucy soon bonds with the ape man, with HIdgens encouraging her since it’s more than he’s gotten out of Klonk in 11 months of looking after the guy, and this way they can get him to learn enough to decide what he wants for himself. 

So a few months, and some romantic bonding between woman and ape-man, pass but a wrench is thrown into Klonk’s wooing and attempt to tell lucy he loves her: Jonathan, Lucy’s just now mentioned fiance and royal dickhead played by Kurt Mega. And credit where it’s do whlie he clearly didn’t have to dress up, he did have a nice 50′s monster movie british person suit he put on.  Lucy is now conlficted and what not even though Jonathan is kind of an asshole who just wants to drag her back home. And i’ts not like Lucy didn’t keep in touch: she sent him texts and probably called, so i’ts not like he didn’t know she was here. He’s also a hunter for extra dick points as if he needed them.  Naturally when meeting his romantic rival he’s a dick.. but raises some valid questions: While Hidgens claim he shaved Konk due to lesions, there’s no mark of lesisons or the shaving. But his natural dickheadedness shines through and Jonathan talks about shooting Klonk before lucy takes his ring off and throws it and Jonathan goes after her.  Annnnd yeah turns out the disposable dickhead fiance for once is RIGHT. In a twist I did not remotley see coming but damn if it wasn’t clever, Klonk.. is Ted from TGWDLM and the plan was to seduce lucy with this con, marry her and then bump her off. It’s a hell of a twist and cleverly hidden since Joey’s such a starkid mainstay, it’s not a huge suprise he was Klonk and thus easily hid the fact he was also Ted. It’s clever stuff and pivots the story nicely. 

Ted is naturally a douchey as ever, going along with Hidgen’s plan to have him marry lucy then kill her and take her dough for themselves.. and unsuprisingly, so Hidgens can get Workin Boys off the ground. Granted there are easier ways to do this with the same scooby doo scheme: Just have HIdgens plan working boys casually, have Klonk really love it and being the sweetheart she is LUcy would fiance the thing just to make them both happy. I mean he can still marry her and ted can still have direct acess to her money if they want, it’s just an easier way that dosen’t shine supscion on the caveman who looks exactly like a local douchebag who everyone he’s met would testify against him. I mean would Paul and Bill REALLY be that suprised that Ted did this? 

Exactly. Then again neither of our “heroes’ Here is very bright, and this scheme only works because Lucy is clearly very sweet, very naive, and very much wants a romantic evening with an ape man after all this time and effort searching, so she wants to believe him. So the fact the best they could come up with is something out of Scooby Doo is unsuprisng but still great.  However things take a turn for the

Pretty quick as Hidgens takes disposable british douche fiance hunting.. then kills the guy after freely admiting he’s a fraud in what’s an INCREDIBLY chilling scene. Seriously it’s amazing how Robert takes a character as loveably redicilous, even his evil and murderous plan during TGWDLM was still hilariously rediclous, and makes him UTTERLY TERRIFYING. Even when dropping my fair lady refrences. Amazing stuff.  So the next day, after Konk “asks” what an engagment is and what not, we then get Lucy wondering just WHERE jonathan is and we get the second biggest laugh of the night as Hidgens gives us the iconic line of “Oh he left... said something about you being crazy and going back to london and basically to go fuck yourself. “. Naturally Lucy has followup questions and goes to find out while Ted, also naturally, isn’t exactly pleased when he finds out his partner in crime did a murder on someone. 

Ted may be a sleazy dickhead.. but even he sees maybe murdering a rich british person who just came here, went basically ONLY to this one location, and whose probably got many people who will misss him, one of whom is their primary target, is kinda dumb. Then again this is a plan that hinges on someone who could easily be identified, as he has or at least probably had an office job and three coworkers who know him, assuming a false identity to marry someone for their money. But again we’re dealing with a guy who thinks working boys is marketable to anyone who isn’t a starkid, and a moron who soon says he does his best thinking while erect. They only got this far because their target REALLY wants to fuck a sasquatch, is sweet but naive and well Ted IS still joey richter, and no longer has the porn stache so there you go.  Ted decides to cut Hidgens out of things.. partly because you know, he killed a person, and partly because instead of killing Lucy, Ted realized he honeslty has a LOT to gain by simply marrying her and staying married. He gains a hot rich wife (his word’s not mine, but angie is genuinely beautiful so fair point), a mansion, and while Hidgens points out the obvious, he has to stay Konk.. that’s actually appealing to Ted as he feels better as Konk, not just because he impresses an attractive woman for doing basic stuff, but because he feels better as Konk. This is.. an intresting turn for Ted i genuinely like. It shows that Ted may, as much as he presents with bluster and ego, actually LIKE the kind of shithead he knows he is. I mean looking at his life he has two workmates who calling them friends is a bit of a stretch, and one who he’s having an affair with but seems detemrined to make her doomed marriage to an even bigger asshole work. He really dosen’t have much as ted so it’s easy to see why being Konk is better: He’s a better person as him who actually has someone who cares about him.  Naturally Hidgens takes this as well as you’d expect and when Ted/Konk tries proposing he goes with the logical option for taking the fourtune for himself:

Yes really. Hidgens strips naked, and swings his arms around like an orangutan to try and convince Lucy he’s the real hatchetfield apeman. Sadly this dosen’t mean we get a shirtless robert manion as he needs to keep the turtleneck on for later, but the mental image.. I had to pause the video for a good minute to laugh over it. Just everything about it from it somehow being a dumber plan than his scheme this episode, to the orangutan swaying to just.. everything. It’s fucking genius.  But Higdens has more than a mighty penis to compete with Ted.. he reveals ted’s phone and Ted ends up revealing himsef by telling Hidgens to go fuck himself. Naturally Lucy is distraught and tries to leave and the professor pulls out his shotgun to threaten her into financing his musical because of course it’s about workin boys. Lucy tries to run, Hidgens tries to shoot.. and ted , doing the first good thing in his entire life, takes the bullet.  Lucy gets ted out of there then locks the door behind them, and we get the SCARIEST bit in this segment as Hidgens leans into the camera, simulating the peep hole of the vault door to the ape man inclosure and begs her to let him out. It’s some real Jack Nicholson in the Shining stuff and it’s utterly terrifying, but it’s also an amazing bit of acting. Nice job Rob.  So ted bleeds out, as much as Lucy wants to save him he knows he’s not going to make it and prefers to die as Konk, finally happy with himself. And I just realized everyone at Paul’s job is horribly miserable. I mean good god, Paul himself has serious depression issues judging by “Let it Out”, Ted clearly hates himself, Charlotte is in a horrible marriage and Bill just got out of one and has a strained realtionship with his daughter we’ll get into more in a bit. I mean honestly, Mr. Davidson is the only one of them who really dosen’t need therapy.. he just needs to tell his wife he wants her to choke him while he jerks off. For as ungodly hilarious as that line is he’s probably the most well adjusted person there. Go figure. 

Naturally being already insane, Hidgens breaks out, still naked mind, and chases after Lucy. Also noticable is apparently some people thought hidgens was manipulated by the blue shit hive mind in TGWDLM. Which.. no. I do love the guy dont’ get me wrong.. but it was very obvious both from the way his musical number was done compared to the rest of the ones in the musical, and his actions that was entirely him, and his playing the music was so he could join, especially since we don’t see the hive mind use any mind manupluation on anyone else. Regular manipulation sure as seen with you tied up my heart and not your seed, manipulating charoltte into freeing her asshole husband so he could infect her and torturing bill for funsies. Just something to get out of the way. Point is he was always crazy we just now have him chasing an innocentish woman with his dong hanging out to prove it.  He eventually catches her as Lucy catches herself in one of his bear traps when she hits the woods, because he had those for some reason.. and he has a resonable way out: Just give her the 30,000 dollars he needs for his musical. Thing is she dosen’t have the money.. or hardly any. She spent all of it trying to find the ape man and was marrying jonathan for his money and him for her title. And while it is a bit skeezy, it’s very clear both were using each other and likely knew it, and Lucy still comes out the most moral of our cast here.. granted it’s not a big stretch as hidgens is criminally insane, ted’s a skeeze and Jonathan.. well he’s just a diiiiiiccckkkk. It’s not hard is what i’m saying.. much like hidgen’s dick flopping around in the rain. But yeah he dosen’t take it well, Lucy goes up a tree, which is apparently something Becky did once. But before Lucy can die at the hands of a naked thespian, the REAL Ape-Man shows up and tears Hidgen’s arms off, taking lucy in his own arms afterwords and revealing he remembers her. The two hit it off instantly, it turns out his name is chumby in an excellent gag as that was what Hidgens wanted his fake ape man to be named but Ted froze, and go off into the night together. Awww.. what if a naked ape man played by my boy jeff blim and a british person can’t work who can? 

We then close out the segment with a cameo appearance by Jamie Lynn Beatty, who while not part of the cast for this double feature, does get a fun showtune about the ape man. Also fun fact that i found out here on tumblr: That costume is from something Jamie did in HIGH SCHOOL. As in well over a decade ago. Like holy shit, good for her. She looks great in it. But yeah it’s a fun song and a nice way to close it out.  Final Thoughts on the Hatchetfield Ape-Man: This was a great way to start things off. This one was more in line with starkids pre-hatchetfield work, a goofy story with some hidden depth inside. And like the guy who didn’t like musicals it was utterly terrifying in spots so yeah good stuff ,utterly hilarous and a great way to bring back some old faviorites while giving us a neat new protaganist. Good stuff. 

Watcher World:

Now from a mostly comedy with a horrifying ending to just.. pure unfiltered horror and depression! It’s Watcher World! Bill and Alice are back! And given I love Mariah Rose Faith and Corey Dorris, I was exastic to find this was what the second segment was about.. mostly because I had no idea Starkid had teasers for the episodes on their instagram, or I would’ve known Hidgens was coming. I wouldn’t of known he’d be stark naked for the last third of his story but still, pleasant surprise.

So Bill and Alice are spending the day at Watcher World, a run down amusement park on the edge of town. It’s Alice’s last weekend before College so Bill’s trying to reconnect with her by cramming a good old fashioned family vacation down her throat. Alice is less than enthused, both because she clearly resents her dad in general, and because Deb is throwing a huge rager on the same night. My honest interpretation of that is that Deb fully inteded for her girlfriend to come but Bill sprung this on Alice at the last minute and being pretty oblivious and hating Deb, either didn’t care about taking alice from one last night with her friends and girlfriend or didn’t generally think that through. I mean don’t get me wrong normally i’d side with a parent not wanting their daughter to attend a huge teen rager on their last weekend together.. but it’s also Alice’s last weekend in town for some time, and it’s likely a saturday.. so he has another day, and presumibly had friday before this and while things with his ex wife are tense, fighting for an extra day with her would be understandable and i’ts not like Alice, even if she hates Bill, would really fight him on getting an extra day in the town she didn’t want to leave. 

But that’s what I really like about this one that it’s layered. While Alice is slightly more in the right, she’s still shutting her dad out, refusing to let him follow her on instagram (though he does agree with her keeping it private as he dosen’t want Ted perving on her, which tracks, or Ted’s brother doing it which.. wait what?), and being on her phone the whole time to very clearly spite him and rub how much she dosen’t want to be there in her dad’s face. She dosen’t WANT to be at watcher world but instead of trying to talk to her Dad just wants to complain and apparenlty has on all their vacations.. it’s easy to see why Bill is annoyed by his daughter at times and thinks he has to FORCE HER to have fun with him, because otherwise she’d gladly ignore him for their entire weekends together for Deb. She’s so determined to punish her dad for the divorce, that she refuses to see on some level he IS trying, and is just sad about her leaving, and possibly leaving him forever and alone with nothing else in his life but his buddy Paul, whose getting married next week so that’s probably not helping.  On the other hand the reason I say Alice is more in the right is that well.. Bill’s a grown ass men. And while, speaking for himself, grown ass men don’t always make the right decisions, and not speaking for myself neither do fathers... Alice’s acting out is understandable coming from an 18 year old whose been through hell over the last year, having her parents divorce being forced to move, loosing her friends. Bill however just kind of uses her age and angst as an excuse to undermine and belittle her feelings. Because he doesn’t like deb for the very stupid reasons of she does pot, instead of assuring her that Deb wouldn’t cheat on Alice with Deb’s former crush Zigg, starkid’s first non binary character in a nice show that Nick Lang wasn’t just covering his ass when he said there’d be more representation in starkid, which in his defense I didn’t doubt him on but it’s still nice he did so at the earliest opportunity and very clearly plans to use Zigg if he can find a nonbinary actor for them. 

But yeah instead of assuring his daughter, Bill is just like “well sometimes relationships don’t work out” which while true is clearly his self serving way of trying to get Alice to break up with someone he dosen’t like. INstead of supporting her in her dreams of writing plays, one of which was good enough to get her a scholarship, he tries to act like she has no plans for her future and get her to be a doctor for more security, even though having a secure job has done.. no one at his office including him favors. I mean again, the most stable and happy person at the office is the guy in charge, and even he can’t tell his wife he wants her to choke him out at night. He wants her to choke him, he wants her to choke him while he jerks off, he wants her to choookeeee himmm while heeeee jerrrkssss offfff. 

While part of this seems to be that Deb plans to be a starving artist who can mooch off her parents in a pinch, Alice GENUINELY seems to have a full plan for her life. I do get his worrying about her future.. but she’s a smart kid. A bit of a brat but she knows what she wants clealry and clearly has talent. He’s just projecting his own fears on her. He also refuses to accept any responsibility in the divorce.. his hating his ex wife IS valid, as she took his daughter away, uprooted her life a year before graduation and spends gobs of money on impressive outings, the latter two seemingly just to spite him when honestly, it’d of made more sense for Alice to stay with Bill for the year before she graduates and been better for her. However, Bill still doesn’t take responsibly that he too is shoving fun down her throat to try and win her over, hates her girlfriend and refuses to treat her with any respect, and really DOSEN’T know Alice all that well. As we learn during their fun day she has anxiety, and he never knew about it. And the divorce isn’t really an excuse when he had years before that.  It’s the real problem of their relationship: Bill feels ENTITLED to a good father daughter relationship, but isn’t working at it and blames his ex wife or Alice for it instead of himself. While Alice isn’t an innocent as i’ve made clear, putting up walls and not telling dad things, given bill ignores her when she DOES try to tell him about her life, it’s easy to see she’s just given up. If he won’t listen why bother. Which yeah i’ve found myself there with my own dad from time to time. Bill’s not a bad person, he genuinely loves Alice, as he says “to the moon and back”, but it’s very clear from this outing he still loves the little girl who loved him unconditionally and not the complicated and mopey adult sh’es become, and dosen’t WANT to adapt to that and fears once she leaves for college she’ll avoid him for good, which isn’t unfounded. It’s a good, complex rich dynamic.  Naturally with.. all this I covered up front instead of sprinkling it throughout, the day doesn’t go great, with Alice utterly miserable most of the time, and ending up in a goofy novelty t-shirt due to a log ride. She also has an unsettling encounter with park mascot Blinky, our newest adorable abomination, who not only shows up the moment she does something bad on camera but also stares at her ass, which.. Paul you mind coming back for a second?

Thank you. They end up at the Watch Party, a cheesy kids show musical because Bill apparently equates this with his daughter loving musicals. I mean granted cheesy kids stage shows can be rad just listen to this. 

But I get Alice’s annoyance here. Thus we get the return of the sniggles, who apparently serve whatever eldrich deity is around this week and our first song of this segment, The Blinky Song. Which is catchy as hell as well as hilariously dark (”I’m so hungry”), and uses the stock footage well, as I could buy a cheap theme park ran by an eldtirch eye goblin using stock footage. But yeah it establishes Blinky as always watching and kinda fucked up.  Also the sniggles are now clearly the smurgs with Angie’s now being named Sniglette, Jeff being papa Sniggle and James being Snigglotts. However Sniglette considers leaving with another song with a long string of words. Then, things get.. dark as the rest of the sniggles don’t want her to leave and try and mob her, and then Papa Sniggle accidently wings her with a mallet and apparenlty injures the actual performer, before everyone’s ushered out and the usher pretends nothing happened. Good mind screw horror stuff. 

Alice and Bill then bicker a bit with my above point being made as Alice TRIES to get Bill to accept some respoinablity but he refuses and blames her mom. It’s now time for the Tear-Jerker, the reason they came. Bill’s buddy Paul says someone died. They also find three other people waiting in line and when one goes to the bathroom the other two start making out which.. yeah, dosen’t help Alice’s worry Deb’s going to cheat on her. So she takes the first single rider pass she can, with Bill worming his way in as to not let her get away.  The two naturally end up fighting on the Tear-Jerker before it stops up high, and ends up stalled, with the gloriously returning Nerdy Kid played by Joey from Black Friday being as helpful as usual. Seriously bless them for bringing him back. Man in a Hurry also showed up again, bless him too. Alice picks this time to reveal her fear of heights and anxiety, and an approaching storm isn’t helping. So Bill.. steps up. He helps ease Alice down taking her phone for her, if loosing it due tot he rain and helping her stay calm. It’s a REALLY nice portrayal of an anxiety attack, with Mariah herself apparently having them and thus portraying it really well. As someone who has them myself it really hits home and Bills calm attempts to help her are really heartwarming, getting her to describe her musical for him and the two bonding. It’s genuinely sweet.  But.. it can’t last, as Alice freaks out about her phone and Bill for once is in the right, as .. he was you know.. trying to save his daughter having a panic attack, and really stepped up given he was obnovious she had anxiety in the first place, and managed it well. He then gives the utterly heart stomping line “I love you to the moon and back, but sometime’s it’s really hard to like you. “

Just damn. So Alice runs off and both find their way to the fairway. Bill tries winning a doll for Alice, getting into a test of strength where he fails repedatly and is constantly mocked by the barker, played by James Tolbert who also played Blinky.. 

That should be Tolbert’s twitter handle. Anyway point is, Bill keeps trying even as he wracks up 400 dollars in credit card debt, for a 49.95 doll, before eventually the barker and hte crowd’s jeers get to be too much and he does smack it hard, thinking of all of his pent up rage towards alice.. just as the bell at the top takes the shape of alice’s head and explodes.  Bill is naturally horrified by this by the barker assures he loves him.. and that he should totally hobble his daughter misery style to make her not leave him and use the mallet for it.  Meanwhile Alice is at the shooting Gallery not wanting the blinky doll she wins, just blowing off steam when she runs into an old crone played by Lauren Lopez. But this Crone has her phone... which suspiciously has a ton of instagram photos of Deb and Zigg making out while sharing a toke. Granted Deb COULD’VE cheated, but given Alice is insecure, and her phone was given back to her by a witch working for an eye goblin.. yeah maybe just maybe Deb was loyal, and if she wasn’t wouldn’t be dumb enough to put it on instagram. But given Alice is already worked up it’s easy enough for her to beliive that her relationships in danger and if she gets there in time she can stop it and oh look her gun is now a real gun and can help her get the keys.  So yeah it’s time for a creepy as hell Shining-esque showdown, but if both sides were possesed instead of one. It’s.. a CHILLING as hell scene, not helped by Alice wielding a gun again as both fight. I was gripped the entire time and don’t have much to say utter than HOLY SHIT THIS WAS AS TERRIFYING AS IT WAS RIVITING. 

But a crowd gathers as the fight continues.. all with purple eyes which ave been seen on and off, watchers with a thousand eyes.. and with Blinky, now revealed NOT to be a costume probably, above them all. We also get one hell of a line.  “This is an amusement park but not for YOUR amusement.”

So yeah I love this sequence.. and Blinky as a villain. While it’s vague if he and Blinky  are the same entity.. I’m going with not. It’s not a stretch that like Cthulu, Wiggly has brothers in the black and white, with their own motives, methods and ability to get into our world. Unlike Wiggly.. Blinky’s already here and has no real ambition other than to find people to mentally tear apart and set loose on one another for his own amusement. He doesn’t have grand plans of burning the world.. he just wants to be entertained. It’s an interesting and chilling motive and I hope we see him again eventually. I also believe those at the park are trapped there bound after their own day there and trapped doing whatever Wiggly needs. Except maybe squeaky voiced teen. He probably just complains about cleaning up so much blood.  But yeah Blinky is very happy as the fight escalates into the hall of mirrors and Alice looses her gun.. with Bill now poised to strike down his daughter as the mirror reflects the various workers at the park, all encouraging him to kill her... it’s utterly terrifying as Bill’s eyes take on a purple tint.. and we get a POWERFUL use of the score and the “why does it hurt to love you’ bit from TGWDLM.. as Bill sees himself and what he’s about to do, sees his daughter understandably having a panic attack.. and calms her, his eyes returning and the two reconciling.  Of course Blinky isn’t happy about this “sappy bullshit” and brings htem into his domain, charging at them. But kinda missing that giving a pissed off teenager a rifle she knows how to use when you have a giant target for a face isn’t a good idea and she shoots him, with him bleeding a flood of purple goo that sends them out. While I doubt Winky’s dead, he is done with them.  Our story concludes on a sweeet note as the two find their car, and they finally make as tep forward, Bill having seen almost too late how selfish and controlling he was being and accepting his daughter on her phone.. and Alice realizing her need to open up and after checking Instagram, likely finding out those photo’s weren’t real, she throws her phone in the back.. but not before accepting her dad’s request, letting him in. Sure the road ahead is rough.. but the two have made a good first step towards repairing things and loving one another again in a healthy manner. and all it took  was bill nearly murdering her and allice shooting an eye goblin int he face and getting covered in his blood. Cue the credits, a beautiful song called “One Thousand Eyes” with Jeff Blim fucking nailing it. A great way to send off this bit.  Final Thoughts: This was the best one of the two. While Ape Man is really good too, this one took the darker tone of black friday, but with a tighter narrative. By focusing on a smaller cast, the darker elements really played better and the conclusion felt more satisfying.. though it helped that BOTH of these tails ended without everyone dying, and while I doubt EVERY story will have a happy ending, it makes things more interesting knowing that the heroes can get a happy ending this time around instead of an apocalypse. 

Overall Thoughts: This double feature was great, I’ll be getting a ticket to the next one if I can afford it, and if not i’ll see it presumably in December or next year when it comes on YouTube. Really excellent stuff.  So this was a first for me but if you’d like to see more starkid stuff from me, let me know in the comments or my askbox, commission me to review one of the musicals via dm, and if you liked how I did this review follow this blog for weekly ducktales and loud house coverage, and amphibia coverage when that returns, among more fun reviews. And until next time.. don’t blink. Play us out Jeff. 

I really hope this is the ending theme for the series.