#because “you can read all of them so you should know all of them” jfc

[helenstudies]

It's funny learning both japanese and chinese because in chinese when chinese learners complain about difficult words they are those that have simple strokes, about 3 or less pinyin pronunciations but have 58 different meanings and need specific usages where as in japanese, the difficult kanjis have 40 strokes like they've clawed all the way to earth from hell and have 80 different pronunciation but the meaning is pretty much the same across the words. So when I see chinese learners complain about a difficult word it's "guys, I think we should've left this word to die in classical chinese" but when japanese learners complain about a difficult word my response is either "that's just 8 radicals on top of each other. that's not hard" or "who angered a kami of kunyomi dominion, my god."

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Hi !!!! I’m sorry if this is bothering you and if so you can totally ignore this but…

I’ve been thinking about how Ghost would react to reader gradually pulling away from him because she gained some weight and is self conscious and ashamed and doesn’t want to be seen by him, so sculpted and beautiful… but of course he’s feeling low because he wants to be close to reader and so he asks and she finally explains it to him (ready to be broken up with…)…. And I’d love to read your take on it !

You can make it female or gender neauteal I don’t really care !!!! Thank you anyway ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Wildflowers Grow in Ruins

(Ghost x F!Reader, word count: 5 k)

Summary: Reader tries to break up with Ghost because she thinks she's not good enough for him.

Tags/warnings: FLUFF, soft sensual smut 🔞, hurt/comfort, light angst, Jealous!Ghost, Soft!Ghost, self-loathing & self-body shaming. Good girl talk/praise kink. Reader is female and wears a skirt for smut plot purposes.

A/N: I hope you like this take & I hope you don't mind that I tweaked this request just a little bit!) Also: JFC I'm wordy. The "I need to explain why they're fucking!" meme comes to mind every time I write anything.

Wars are exhausting. 

You know fighting for something can empower people. Fighting against something usually just depletes your strength.

But waging a war against yourself… 

Now that is pure hell. 

It started somewhere in your youth. You thought adulthood would take it away; that reason and tolerance would take it away. You were supposed to feel more confident in yourself, more positive about life. And for a moment, you thought you might just succeed.

But standing beside a god of war is no easy feat.

He came into your life like a walking myth, swept you away, and you only laughed as you went. It was fun at first. He was supposed to be your savior, the solution to all your problems. If a man like him found you attractive, perhaps it was the world that was crooked and not you.

But then you got soft: you started to gain pounds. Meanwhile, he became even more magnificent. It reminded you that it had all been just a dream.

Perhaps it was his eyes that seemed to worship you, that seemed to look past your every flaw. Perhaps it was the hands which never seemed to get enough of your skin. Whatever it was, it was too much. And at the same time, never enough.

The day has finally come to let him go.

You think yourself heroic. It's like it should be: it's only right that you finally release him to someone better than you.

But inside, the noble feelings twist and turn and curl around your throat and stuff your stomach full of ice - the kind they fill glasses of mojito with. The drink you'll always remember him by because he teased you about it: that you wanted an ice-cold summer drink even in the middle of winter.

Now you feel cold all over, and wish he could warm you like he used to. 

You would forsake all the mojitos of the world to keep him. You would renounce the whole drink if it came to that; if you could make him yours.

But he's not yours. He never was: he was just on loan to give you a taste of what it would be like to have a man like him. That taste should be more than enough for a lifetime. You should feel grateful.

So why is it so hard to let go?

The key on the front door turns, and your heart shoots up your throat: you're supposed to settle this thing once and for all. You're supposed to let go of him today. 

And still, when he arrives, you can't find the courage to say what you need to say. The words are stuck in your throat, but tears are not. He should already be a memory, but you find yourself suffocating on memories as you cry. You've learned to do even that in silence, like the rest of your suffering.

You take a few deep breaths, wipe the tears away, shove the rest of them down your throat – you save them for later, later, when he's far away and you can finally curl up and cry your heart out without no one there to look. Fucking later.

Good. 

Good.

Great.

You put your heaviest armor on. It protects weak and soft flesh because you can't meet him all bare. Then you step forward with the knowledge that you’re a thoroughly wounded guerrilla while he is a seasoned, well-rested veteran. The fight is nowhere near even, but it's ok. You are not meant to be in the presence of immortals anyway.

The man looks at you warily as you finally enter the room. That haunted look has followed you for some time now as the distance between you has grown. 

It should be easy, what is about to come, because he hasn't touched you in weeks. You haven't wanted him to.

Or you have… But it's not easy to have his hands on you when your body is only a vessel you hate. How can you even think about pleasure when all you think about is how it must feel for him to caress something as awful as this?

The man is a vision, and he settles for a peasant. It should be against the law, but it's not… so you figured a some time ago that you should simply find the strength and grace to do ii: do what's right.

"I need to talk to you." 

Your voice comes out neutral, and it makes you more confident, if only for a second or two.

He lifts his chin: already knows what's coming, because he's not stupid. You've been shutting down for weeks, and he hasn't done much about it. But when the thunder rolls in, he doesn't flee. Probably because he fears nothing.

"Go ahead then," he says, equally as neutral, equally as icy. Got his armor on, too. 

This should be easy…

It's really not, so you decide to rip the band-aid off in one yank.

"I think we should go separate ways."

The following inhale from across the room pierces the air like a bullet. You can hear his breaths gain depth and speed all the way to where you're standing.

"Ok."

It doesn't look or sound like he's ok. If anything, he looks like he's trying to process the sudden storm. 

"Ok…" His eyes are on the floor as he rubs the back of his neck. Then he starts to pace around the little kitchenette you've shared for almost six months, just before you started gaining weight.

He stops to look out the window, then turns to you, and the hurt in his stare comes through like a thousand needles pushing through skin.

"Is it because of my work?" 

"No."

"What is it then?"

Your breaths are getting out of hand, too. He looks like a lost, tired creature in an abandoned animal shelter for a moment, and it breaks your heart. It squeezes the organ inside a flaming fist until it shatters like it has never been nothing more than ice.

Your lip starts to tremble, and he notices, as per usual. Nothing escapes this man, except perhaps the true reason for your anguish.

"Hey. Hey."

He comes to you and hugs you like it's the only thing that matters: to comfort you when he sees you're about to cry, no matter how crushed he's feeling himself. The sudden warmth, the intimacy after weeks and weeks of pain is knee-buckling. 

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

His voice is soft, so soft… The tears rush forth now; there's no way of stopping them. What the hell can you even say to a question like that? That you wish he could grab a magic wand and turn you into someone gorgeous, the woman he deserves?

His embrace feels good, kind of. It also feels smothering because your self-hate makes you want to disappear from existence entirely. His eyes are equal to physical touch, a probing scan that sees every little flaw, not to talk about massive faults, the ones which make you feel like you're simply disgusting. His touch only reminds you how you must feel like to him: soft, too soft, weak.

And he must hate weakness.

"What do you need me to do? I'll do anything," he tries with a parched throat, then swallows. 

It's fucking horrible. This isn't going at all like you had imagined.

"It's not about you," you struggle out of his hold, and he lets you go with reluctance. You have to basically fight your way out of a bone and steel prison. Why would he even want to hold a pathetic woman who's on the brink of ugly crying on top of everything?

"What do you mean?"

He's slightly breathless – and restless as fuck. He's usually so calm; nothing can get to him, nothing can rattle the tower of raw strength. Now you've not only pierced some invisible armor; you can hear pieces of it falling on the floor.

"Have you found someone else?"

What the…

"No." You put as much weight on that word as you possibly can. To imagine that he thinks you are cheating… Fucking cheating on someone like him. "Jesus Christ…"

He takes a deep breath and sighs deeply, sighs out relief, perhaps. Then his razor-sharp stare fixes on you again, and you can see the fear turning into something akin to concern. You suspect you have to tell him the truth, otherwise he will dig it out of you. 

"I'm just…" 

Jesus, this is just humiliating. 

"I'm just not your type."

"What the hell are you talking about," he mutters, the impending fury giving way to momentary surprise. 

He gets intense sometimes. This time, the ferocity is born of barely concealed distress. He's broad and magnificent, even in despair. He’s just so fucking fine… The perfect man, someone you had never even imagined yourself with. Pulled down to the world of puny mortals, evidently stressing about losing one. 

Losing you.

"If you have someone new, you can just bloody well tell me."

"It's not that. You don't understand–" 

"Try me."

"I just…" A tear escapes down your face as you finally break for him. "I'm fat. Okay? And ugly. And–"

"Stop right there."

The look on his face is just… It's priceless, you suppose.

"Bloody fucking hell…" 

He looks at the floor, then runs his fingers through the short cut hair on top of his head. You've yanked those blonde strands more times than you can count, nearly every time he's been between your legs, and you miss it – you long for it, like fallen angels long for heaven. 

And if there was a time this man was rendered speechless, you would say you were witnessing that moment right now. His brows knit together, then he looks up at you again with blaring disbelief.

"You're serious?"

"Yes."

"This is the reason you wanna break up?"

Ugh.

"Yes?"

His voice grows rougher with every question until it resembles thunder, and you suspect this is the commanding tone his soldiers are used to hearing. 

But you're not: it's gravelly, harsh, and betrays the feeling of having been insulted. You feel even more devastated with yourself – it appears you can do nothing right.

"Where has this… idea even come to your head?"

"I don't know." 

"And you never thought to ask my opinion?"

"Would you please stop yelling," you whisper and blink back some putrid tears. His mouth is snapped shut, his head pulls back just a little as he realizes what he's done. 

"Sorry," he says with a half-whisper, and you catch the strain in his throat. You've never seen him cry, but now his voice is suddenly thin and frail. "I'm sorry."

He takes a step, then another, places fingertips on the counter as if to take the faintest support.

"Can I touch you?"

You don't really want him to do that, but you feel pity for the man. He's trying to find a way through this mess, and you want to help him.

"Yes," you whisper, and he immediately comes and takes you in his arms again. Hot tears disappear into his shirt, and you sniff a few times. He feels so good, so safe, even when you're about to lose him. His hold tightens around you, and the kitchen is silent; the whole world is silent. You don't know if you're being put to a grave or if you're in a deaf womb, waiting to be reborn.

"Now I don't know who's said this shite to you but ugly is the last fucking thing I'd call you," he declares above you. As if it was some bully whose fault it is that you were this way, a bully he could deal with with his fists or a gun. If only things were that easy…

"Have I said or done something? To make you feel this way?"

Then the blade is turned against himself. The man desperately searches for a culprit so he can deal with them.

"No," is the only thing you can say because it's true: he has never done a thing to make you feel like you weren't good enough; quite the contrary. But then again, he doesn't have to. It's enough that he exists and resembles a god.

"Then why do you think you're not my type?"

"Because you're so perfect," you hear yourself wail, no, cry into that shirt that smells of sweet safety and familiar musk – his scent, another thing you have missed like it's the only way to heaven.

"That for sure ain't true."

"But it is."

He seems to have the utmost difficulty in grasping what the issue here is. You can almost hear the wheels turning in his head with a rusty, laborious creak.

"Can't believe you wanna break up because of this," he finally says. You've chipped his pride, the ego that lives off of pleasing the ones he loves: the few chosen ones who he wants to give his whole life to. 

"To me, you're perfect," he then says, and you simply… You stop breathing. "You're like… my dream woman. Ever thought about that?"

It can't be true, even if you vehemently, desperately want it to be. You reach out to his words like they're precious food after years of famine. Like they're sun and spring rain after being buried in the cold, dark soil whole winter.

"No…?"

"Never occurred to you that I might find you fucking beautiful?"

"Stop," you whisper, because it's too much to take in. He sounds so serious, so sincere.

"No, I don't think I will."

He pulls back a little and cups your face. Brushes away a tear, looks at you with so much love that it physically hurts; you feel like it's a lance that slowly drives through your heart.

"How about I kiss every part I love about you?"

You let out a soft little whimper. Fuck, that you want him to… 

It would also be uncomfortable as hell. To try and let him love you and your body, which you have grown to loathe.

"It's gonna take all night, though. Wanna be as thorough as possible."

"Simon–"

"Love. I want you. Thought I'd made it pretty clear, but apparently I haven't. If you only knew how much–"

He sighs deeply. The man is frustrated with his shortcomings, thinks that this is all his fault. You cry a tear or two just for the sake of how absurd it all is. 

"I don't want you to go. I fucking love you. Everything about you."

For the second time this afternoon, your lower lip starts to tremble as if this was some stupid, romantic movie. He can be so soft when he wants to, more romantic than the soft-spoken gentlemen in Jane Austen's novels. It doesn't even require any effort: underneath the cynical surface, there's fiery emotion, so powerful and raw that it almost bleeds out of him. Fuck… Does he even know what he's doing to you?

"I love you too," you whisper back, and the warmth that starts to bloom in his eyes is an entire sun on its own. It's hope, and you believe him, almost believe him.

"Then I'd say it's a bloody bad idea to break up."

You chuckle while few more tears push through to the surface.

"Simon…" You sigh and look back up at him, your armor falling to the floor too. "I feel like a wreck."

You allow him to see the pain, all of it. His breath is sharp as it hits him, but he still doesn't waver.

"Then let me help you."

The arms around you gain more strength, and you're crushed against a chest made of power. He tries to turn shit to gold, and threatens to succeed. You allow yourself to soften in his hold. How good it feels to be supported – no, loved.

"You don't even let me touch you anymore."

It's a filed complaint, but also heart-rending, soul-wrenching longing. You have evaded him for weeks now – hell, this shit began months ago and has escalated gradually, stealthily, until the moments together were a rarity, the space between you was full of frost; and not the crispy, happy summer drink kind.

"I thought you'd found someone else. Could've found out if that was the case in minutes, but honestly, I didn't wanna know."

Oh my God…

Has he lived with a growing suspicion and dread all these months? 

That would explain why he has avoided you too…

He has allowed you to go to your supposed lover, has given you space to be alone and without too much attention. The man has shielded himself from pain. 

Jesus fucking Christ.

"I'm so sorry," you say with a strained little breath. "I swear it's nothing like that. I just… I feel like a mess."

"Never seen such a gorgeous mess." 

He speaks on your skin, the kiss on your forehead feels like an absolution. 

Then you notice it's not only his words which try to assure you. He's growing harder by the minute against your stomach, just from a simple hug. Just from being pressed against you like this, after weeks of dry, bitter longing.

"Miss your taste," he murmurs to your skin, his voice like sand wrapped in burning velvet. "The sounds you make when you want it hard."

Oh God–

"Miss your smile when we go to shower after."

"Hmh…"

"Don't wanna live without that smile."

You don't have to. 

God, you don't have to…

"How about we make a deal," he draws fingers down your chin, coaxing you to look up at him. His eyes are stripped from the cold distance that greeted you just moments ago: now they are filled with warmth that spreads to your chest and belly and bones. You drink him in like summertide.

"You come to me every time you feel bad and I'll make you feel good. Alright?"

"...Ok." 

He tilts his head a little to the side, not entirely satisfied with your shy little answer.

"Come on. Make me believe it."

"It's a deal," you say with more grit to it, even if you're nearly crying again, this time from relief.

"That's my girl."

Oh fuck…

He knows exactly what strings to pull, the good girl talk being one of the things that instantly makes your legs feel like jelly. 

And why does he always have to use that voice when he calls you a good girl or his girl, that sultry smoke that makes you want to swoon until he catches you and carries you to bed?

The man seems to be a mind reader as well, because he sweeps you off your feet and does exactly that: carries you to your bed which has mainly seen silent tears and painful sleep last months.

"Poor thing doesn't even know how lovely she is."

He sounds amused in the face of your darkness: sees it in full and still doesn't fear at all. He's ready to battle your demons for you, and you feel like shaking: from his touch and that voice, from the stress and loneliness that starts to release as he lays you down on the bed.

He looks so different from the man that has haunted this place for the past months, the complete opposite of the reserved soldier retreating into the shadows.

He moves to kiss you, and it's been – what? Weeks since your last kiss? And even that was only a quick peck, nothing like this… Wet, and desperate; a devouring. It makes you clench around nothingness, and you finally surrender. 

No one can fake such fervor.

You try to accept it: accept the fact that even if you hate yourself, he does not. For some reason, he adores you. His breaths hit your face hot and urgent, and he can't keep his hands to himself anymore. They wander over your waist and hips, they even risk to steal a feel of your breasts, and then he groans in your mouth.

"I've missed you. Fuck, I've missed you..."

You taste notes of burning leaves; tobacco, his only weakness. You fantasize on the thought that you might be another weakness, too.

"Remember when I fucked you in my office?"

"I've missed you too," you utter softly in between the kisses that threaten to turn into a sloppy mess. "So much..."

He smiles at that, and it makes you weak, even when lying down like this.

"Yeah…?"

"You were so loud I had to put a hand over your mouth."

His voice is thick as he laughs a short chuckle. Your inner walls clench again at the sound, you throb among the warm syrup surrounding you.

"Never seen you so wet. Almost dripped all over my gear."

"It's that stupid mask you wear," you hear yourself breathe like you've just been underwater. Feel yourself throb some more, feel a burning sensation in the nether areas from the scorched desert turning wet again. You want him so much that it actually hurts down there.

"Knew you'd like it. That's why I kept it on."

If this man keeps talking, your underwear is going to be utterly ruined. And of course he does; of course he continues to pour more love in your ear.

"Everyone looked at you like you were a queen," he grunts in your ear, sounding almost… pissed.

"Don't be ridiculous," you try to form sensible words. It's only a faint breath, really, but he huffs at your modesty. 

"You don't have eyes in the back of your head, love."

Wow… He is a bit pissed.

Had they checked your ass out when you visited him? 

It was the first and, what you thought, the last time you got to visit him at his workplace… but you never would have guessed the reason for him not asking you to visit again would be jealousy. 

"Don't worry. I put those fuckers in their place after you left." 

Whoa. 

Ok…

First, he had fucked you senseless in his office – a highly inappropriate move for a man in his position – then got jealous because some soldiers had checked you out as you left with his cum practically dripping from your cunt.

You put yourself in his shoes for a moment: he's had to live with thoughts of you running to some other man's arms when he's not home, and then watch you waltz around his workplace after making what was supposed to be the last effort to make him love you… When he has loved and adored you this whole time, has watched the sway of your ass with the rest of those home-deprived, horny soldiers, thinking you had fallen out of love and were on your way to go see some other guy.

Had he invited you there to try and win you back, too? By showing himself to you in all his puffed up, masculine glory? A desperate man in a skull mask, hoping to get love from you…

There's so many misunderstandings; they rip your throat. A sob escapes, and he stops his caress.

"Love… Tell me to stop if you–"

"No. No, I don't want you to stop." 

Your request comes out with such demand that he hesitates only a second or two. Then he moves on top of you and tugs your skirt up. You don't even have time to realize what is happening before he has worked himself out of his pants.

He's hard and heavy between your legs, and your eyes go wide as you realize he's not going to bother to take your briefs off. He just slides a hand under the skirt and draws the fabric aside, and the fat tip of him is pushed in the middle almost clumsily. It's hot, and slips down to your opening with ease.

Oh f–

"Been jerking off to you nearly every night at the base," he says just before he pushes himself in. 

"Uh–...."

Your thighs spread wide as he fills you slowly, inch after inch. The sound that leaves him is starved: a dry, painful sigh. He's been waiting for this for god knows how long, and you're just as hungry to take him in. He seems endless, the way he finally works himself fully inside, spreading you even wider as the thickening base of his cock reaches its end. 

"Thought you were getting railed by someone else while I only get to fuck my hand."

"Oh god…"

There's really nothing else to say as his balls press against you, heavy and taut. He's not going to last long.

"Yeah. Imagine that," he admits, breathless like you. 

You look at him with what must be the most helpless stare of longing in your eyes. Then he moves, and you want to grip him to keep him inside. The first thrusts are divine, they're pure heaven, and your head sinks deep into the pillow as you try to get enough air, try to not scream from pleasure already. Somehow, all you are able to utter is a desperate little whisper.

"Simon–"

His cock is good enough to bring tears to your eyes. You're starving too, you're pulling him in with fierce hunger, and he groans, then nearly falls forward, his weight pressing against you, swallowing you, until you feel like you're an idiot for thinking that you're too big. The thickness of his chest rubs against you as he makes love to you with passion that echoes the first times you did this.

"Just wanna adore you, love." He's panting desperate somewhere above you. A god and a man, both furious and gentle. "I wanna adore you. Just like this."

You answer him with what must be those sounds he told you about, the sounds you make when you want it hard. 

You want him to fuck you, to wreck you after weeks of loneliness and hate. To love you until you break into a million pieces.

"Simon," you whisper. "...Love me."

He halts, huffs in your neck. It's almost a sob. There's so much emotion and desperation in the air that it could be scooped up and sold in the streets.

"Always," he rasps in your ear, then moves to kiss you again. "Always."

The promise echoes around you, it coats your lips as he loves you with all he has. It's been so long, and he feels so good that you nails dig into his shirt, his shoulder, you try to hold onto him even though he's the wave that rocks you.

"You feel that?" He goes deep; he's out of breath and desperate, even more desperate than you. "That's love. You feel it, yeah?"

"Yes," you sob in his shoulder, tears trying to escape your waterline as you're going dumb from the pure sensation, the sensuality of it all. 

"That's it, love. That's a good girl," he turns to your neck and gruffs in your ear as you whimper and moan. "Always such a good girl."

Shit…

"I, I'm gonna…"

Your legs wrap around his middle, your muscles twitch and your hands reach and grab – they claw and yank and tug everything they can: his back, shoulders, shirt, something sturdy to keep you from drowning in a glorious orgasm.

He laughs in your neck and continues to grind you through your climax even when you're shattering, sighing, moaning, writhing under him. He just laughs, the man who never laughs: from witnessing you respond to him calling you a good girl.

Fucking bastard…

Lovable, infuriating bastard who knows you to your core. 

You're an overstimulated heap by the time he comes as well, not long after you, but long enough to make you feel like you're only a tender bunch of nerves. Your legs have fallen to the side, he has open access to take what he needs: you, your love, all of it.

His whole middle goes tense as he cums, he groans and swears somewhere deep into your neck, rolls his hips over and over again like it's a must that his balls press against you with every thrust that shoot his load. 

Then he falls slack, nearly collapses on top of you, reminding you of what it feels like to be small under a giant like him. You're throbbing together, you're full and fulfilled, and he is still lodged deep inside you, panting and broken in a sweat.

"Jesus Christ…" 

He sounds dazed. 

Relieved. 

"Should've done this weeks ago."

You laugh at seeing him so done – a man in love, torn by jealous yearning, finally taking what's his. You stroke his neck, his back – it's so good to have him finally there… So close, with no barriers in between.

"I should've talked to you weeks ago..." 

"Yeah. You should have."

"Are you going to punish me?" You giggle a little – the flirt is light and frees your heart further from its recent jail. He moves to look at you with all the tenderness there is. It's too much... His love is too much. But you won't run from it anymore.

"Nah. Think I'm gonna spoil you some more."

He spoils you right away with a kiss. You surrender to his treatment with happiness: happy tears, even. 

The medicine to your anguish has been the exact opposite to what you had first tried, what you had originally thought. The true remedy for your sickness is mercy. Perhaps some spoiling…

And love.

[lightlycareless]

Hi! As a Naoya fan, I really appreciate what you do for us and girl, I just love your works <33

So, Eh, I don't know how to say this... Can you write a fic about him where he has been married to a woman chosen for him by his clan but after so many years, he can't forget y/n? I mean, it's so cliché Ik, but I just can't get it out of my mind. It's like he really loved her and would've even eloped with her but at the end, it was y/n who asked him to go back to his clan since she knew that it was Naoya's fate to be the clan head. So, eventually y/n leaves and Naoya marries his wife and he gets to be the head of Zenin clan and later on, he kinds wishes his wife would give birth to a daughter so he could name her after y/n. Or maybe she does and while everyone expects him to torment the poor wife, he would silently pick up the baby and hug his daughter as if he wishes she was her baby?

so yeah, that's it, thank you anyway.

Hello!!!!!!!!

Omg thank you so much I'm soooo glad you like my work 🥹❤️

HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH this ask has been on my mind since it first popped up jfc you know how to torture me.

I have been working on a small fic too with a similar topic, it's not going to be that long as my other work but I think you'll find it enjoyable too hehe. ... if I ever get back to it. heheheh.

ajkghasjgha anyways, let's get right into it.

warnings: angst. mentions/implications of death and unaliving someone :s. naoya is really cruel when referring to his unborn child.

Happy reading!

“If we ever have a daughter, I would like her to be named Naomi”

Is the first thought that crosses Naoya’s mind upon learning that his wife is expecting a daughter.

But beyond that, there is no excitement. No glee in his eye upon learning he’s to become a father in just a matter of months, his seed finally taking root after many dutiful attempts.

“Why?”

“Because it’s a cute name. And I always thought it was adorable how your family named the children after their parents. You are no exception, Naoya.”

He should be happy, right? Glad that his efforts ultimately paid off.

“That’s not too cheesy, is it?”

“…I think I’ll be happy just to have a family with you, regardless of what the baby is named.”

That he was to have the cherished family he always dreamt of having with the love of his life, after so many years of solitude…

Except he wasn’t.

Because his wife, the one carrying his child, wasn’t you.

…

…

…

Ever since he lost you, for a lack of better words, nothing has been the same.

“A daughter… of all the possibilities. Let’s just hope she’s strong.” His father would say, disappointed by the announcement. Naoya remains quiet, uninterested to respond but still deep in thought.

“Do you think they’ll look like you?”

“I hope not.”

“Gee, why not? I know I haven’t seen pictures of you as a baby, but I’m sure you were a cute one!”

Because I want them to look like you.

The sole purpose of his futile life was gone. And with it, any semblance of concern. Care for all that happened around him, or anyone for that matter.

Including his supposed partner, the woman the Zen’in assigned him to marry and continue their legacy. Even when she stood before him, seeking comfort, or at least encouragement after seeing the doctor, to Naoya… she was simply not there.

“Naoya-sama.” She’d call to him once in the privacy of their room, right after the doctor had left. The woman named Taeko, had always been… loyal, meek, submissive. Never one to retort or do anything that wasn’t to please him.

Yet, as much as she had fooled his family, Naoya was still able to see right through her.

Taeko didn’t care about him; no, not at all. The only thing she truly she cared about was the heir. The money that came along with his title, the financial security this meant for her…

More so now that she was pregnant; dictating that even when divorced, she would never have to work a day in her life.

Perhaps if he hadn’t discovered what love was, then maybe he would’ve struggled to discover her true intentions. Unfortunately for them, he had met you, with whom he learned what it was to be happy for once in his life… a teaching that will forever live on within him, naturally making this marriage almost impossible to coexist with.

As well as painful, remembering that this is all he had left of you, besides memories.

Naoya keeps quiet even when his wife calls for him yet again, not bothering to lift his gaze from whatever it was that took his attention, nor requesting her to proceed.

She takes his silence as her cue to continue.

“I know having a daughter wasn’t in the plans, but…” Taeko said, stepping closer to him. Just a few inches away from touching him… “I am still excited to welcome this new stage in our life.”

Of course she is. Her future is firmly set, regardless of his family’s ideals and the baby’s gender.

“I was actually thinking of naming the child after you, to follow your clan’s tradi—”

“You will not do such thing.” Naoya scowls, swiftly turning around and pushing her away, the burning look of his enraged eyes reveals she’s reopened a painful wound she’ll perhaps never comprehend.

Nor care to do so, believing instead that his anger came from her supposed failure to bring a male heir onto the Zen’in clan; and not because of the privilege—no, the right she’s stripping away from you.

Because you are the only one that deserved to be the mother of his children, the one to name them, love them, raise them…

Not this poor excuse of a leech.

“I heard you were having a child… congratulations, Naoya.” Ranta begins, partially unsure on how to approach the future father, or to do so at all… eventually settling to go through with it anyway. An announcement like this must make anyone happy, right? “Although I never expected your first child to be a girl! I mean… I always thought you’d have a bo—”

“This isn’t what I want, and you know that.” Naoya coldly cuts through Ranta’s words, making him flinch. “So, spare me the theatrics.”

Ranta swallows, he is amongst the few, if not the only, who knows the truth, the depths of his relationship with you:

Or your supposed fate.

And how angry he got when he knew the truth… or what he suspected, anyways.

Your disappearance wasn’t a simple coincidence, a misfortune of fate.

It was a necessity for the Zen’in’s plans; you quickly became nothing less than a hindrance once Naoya announced his intentions of marrying you.

They couldn’t permit a woman of your background to become Lady of the House. An unruly, opinionated girl that went against every single one of their beliefs. Nor could they allow you to free Naoya from their grasp.

And so, they did what was necessary. Get rid of their obstacle, call it a simple disappearance, cold feet as others assured, and let everything fall back into place.

Leaving Naoya behind with his cruel family, yet again.

But they’d never admit it. They would just say that your family decided to search for better opportunities elsewhere, you tagging along.

Yet, the body of an unidentified woman found in the middle of a forest near your home would indicate—

“—What are you going to do?” Ranta asks.

“There’s nothing for me to do.” Naoya frowns. “The only person I ever loved, the one person I should’ve never let go… is gone, and now, I’m stuck in this nightmare, alongside a woman that wants nothing from me but my money. Just like everyone always is.”

Ranta wishes to deny his accusations, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie to his grieving friend. It would insult him, and you.

“…But…”

“But what?” Naoya retorted.

“…Well, you should at least… consider the baby. They—they shouldn’t be held accountable for what their mother has—”

“Don’t even dare call that thing my child.” He coldly declares. “It may have my name, but that thing is not mine. What assurance do I have that it is? She could’ve easily bedded anyone to get the job done!”

“Naoya! You— you shouldn’t say that!”

“Can you prove the contrary?”

“No—but it’s not right to make these assumptions either!”

“Then what do you suggest, dear friend of mine?”

“I… I think you—"

Have to let her go.

It becomes clear to Ranta how gravely he had underestimated the wound your absence had inflicted on Naoya’s heart—but perhaps he never wanted to admit such thing, for it would only remind his friend of what he once had and now lost forever.

But no matter how much he wished to act the fool, there was no hiding his heightened destructive tendencies, his aggravating isolation, which he already did with people he didn’t like, rising tensions between members alike, forcing them to steer clear of Naoya if they wished to live another day; or pester his father about the misbehavior of his son, forcing him to burden his wife with duties of cheering him up, or something if she wished to stay at the estate—

All for naught, for she had effectively ceased to exist the moment she announced her pregnancy. For the following 9 months, Naoya wouldn’t look her in the eye, even when sleeping in the same bed. Not that there were many opportunities to do so, for he eventually confined himself to whatever other room was available, officially dictating their marriage as unsalvageable.

Some took it as a reflection of his disappointment, a rightful reaction to have towards a female successor.

But Ranta knew better. Those close to him knew the truth.

He was openly reproaching his wife for having taken your place.

So naturally, he wasn’t there when Taeko went into labor. He wasn’t attentive to her calls, desperate pleads of companionship and support—he simply walked past her cries as she gave birth to his child and headed straight into the training grounds, just what he had exuberantly done these past few months to distract himself.

Yet, as much as he wished to run away from his reality, he wouldn’t be able to escape his duties, forced by relatives alike to go and meet the mother of his daughter to officially recognize her. Regardless of the brewing animosity between the two, if there were no other suitable candidates, this baby was still to be the future of the Zen’in, and thus, necessary to name.

Naoya doesn’t bother to wonder on who’d the child would look like the most, still, he knows he’ll hate it even more if she ends up a carbon copy of her mother—would it even matter if she took more after him instead?

Nonetheless, curiosity manages to get the best of him when entering the room where his wife and child awaited, walking past the midwives and straight to his so-called partner, leaning close to the small bundle wrapped in a white blanket, making up his mind in effectively cutting her out of his life if she ends up looking like Taeko.

But when he begins to get a glimpse of her small face…

The most unexpected happens.

As if the child knew her father was near, she slowly opens her eyes, revealing a golden gaze that reinstates her relationship to him—followed by a small patch of his black hair on top of her head, the shape of his eyes…

But most importantly, the words you once confided to him during the intimacy of the night.

“I want them to have your eyes. Your nose. Your hair. Your smile. I want the world to see all the things I love from you through our children.”

As well as your burning desire to have children that looked just like him, even when he hoped otherwise.

He doesn’t know what it was. Certainly not the excitement of having a life permanently intertwined with a woman he didn’t love; but something about your memory, how much you desired this moment, the innocence that engulfed such child, one that he only thought possible through you, his features shown through her, and how vulnerable she felt once in his arms…

Naoya found it unnecessary to wonder what kind of reaction you would have, still, he liked to imagine the brightness in your face, the love in your eyes, the grin on your lips: to be overjoyed to finally have a family with him, eagerly waiting to live out the future that waited for the three.

If this is the way you’d continue to live on, then he’d honor such memory; one last insult to the family that had continuously hurt him over and over again, through merits they would never wipe away, no matter how much they’d try—

“The name, for the child.” The midwife asks, moving closer to Naoya.

Under his own conditions.

“Y/N— Y/N Zen’in.” Naoya declares, softly looking down onto the child. “That will be her name.”

“Wh—What!?” The mother gasps, quickly understanding the implications behind his selection, followed by a futile attempt to make him reconsider, stop him from removing her existence!

But he had long erased her from his consideration, declaring that she was to have no relationship with the child, opting to raise her himself, his sole successor; Taeko would have whatever she needed to live a comfortable life, but that was it.

Naoya would give his daughter all that she needed to strive as a sorcerer, or whatever else she’d decide to pursue.

He’d swore to love her and raise her, protect her from the cruelties of this world, do all in his power to make her happy… but most importantly:

Treat her as if she had been yours.

Essentially, dunno if I managed to convey that, yes; you were killed. an act that scared your family away and left Naoya without knowing what ever happened.

Also, I'm debating whether to write a small epilogue hehe. I have written a bit extra after this but decided to cut it out.

AND OF COURSE the name... originally I was going to name his wife Kayako but I've decided to take advantage of the animosity we feel against the name Taeko and there you have it :))) 🖕 bye Taeko.

Ngl this was sad for me to write; I always hated/enjoyed the topic of Naoya marrying off someone else because of reasons, though it was clear he always longed for you and viceversa. Or not. I just like angst 😭 and fortunately, this isn't the last time we're going to see something like this :) I do have something I'm working on, I just gotta connect the dots. I intend it to be quite short anyways.

Anyhow, thank you so much for sending in this ask!!! 😭 it was such a treat to torture myself with.

Take care, and hope to see you soon!!! ❤️❤️

[foundfam2754]

S17e6 live reactions!

Spoilers...obviously

i'm kinda nervous to watch this because i saw someone's post on e6 before this on garvez and they weren't happy... let's see because we're def getting pen and luke interaction this ep bc of the whole tyler ex gf thing

i'm like 95% confident that this is a dream...

okay def a dream because luke is hurt

reminds me of that dream spence had close to the end of s15

what a strange song to have emily sing

okay even dream dead emily is sad :( bring her back from the dead pls (again)

yep... dream

poor papa pasta :(

emily singing will haunt me forever

i like how CM can be scary when it wants to be

aw even after 20 years, emily, jj and pen will be my favorite trio

OH MY GOD rossi's really feeling the trauma

wait this is so sad :(

you're not fine, dave. none of you are fine. PG had the right idea leaving the BAUwh

jj what are you getting at????? luke? i kinda wish it was about luke, but i knew it was about emily

beige, wasting time, and bad kissing?? why is that so penelope garcia coded?

god jj just takes care of everyone but herself, mamabear!jj is my fav

Penelope, pls don't be jealous, he's not worth it

how are garvez so normal after last week? at least their friendship is never in question

why is it awkward luke? because you're in love with pen?

okay i don't mind me some greencia banter, but they did NOT date

jfc dave needs a therapist

aww tara's the best man

kinda love the team knows each other so well, they can talk and listen without words. it's kinda beautiful

OH MY GOD i kinda predicted what tara said about "sitting quietly"

you're safe dave, we promise. we all love u

jj don't make it darker i can barely see the show as it is

i love high!emily, man

i will be using emily's chopsticks trick going forward

"delicious but insufferable" is my new catchphrase

"emily elizabeth prentiss"

super hot latino/a is penelope's type too ;)

damn pen's is roasting him and i kinda love it

i like the parallel of garvez interrogating teresa and tyler about the relationship - i know they have different purposes for doing so, but in my opinion still keeps them connected in a way - so i'll take what i can get

tara's right

luke looks so impressed and kinda turned on by pen's hacking primer - i love it; i know it's just adam, not scripted, but i appreciate that kirsten and adam keep us happy and delulu

"new friend"

i just realized this is the ultimate love square (pen, luke, teresa, tyler)

WHY are you talking about the "sticky chemistry"

penelope's a lot mature than she's acting about this, i mean they are all in their 30-40's and should be able to be honest about their FEEELINGS

god I love how much luke hates tyler

chaotic emily is kinda terrifying

"just run through the field and catch all that rye" HAHAH FUCKING LOVE YOU EMILY

emily you know she loves cheetos why would you leave them out

lmao high!jj

oh this is the elevator scene from the trailer where the walls collapse in

this show can be very scary when it wants to be (hasn't been for me in a while because i rewatch and know what's gonna happen)- and I like that they're leaning into it

lol are they hinting that they were both attracted to tyler because they have grief-related trauma and he's a good, desperate short-term solution

oh my god they were not dating

OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT LUKE AND TYLER HATE EACH OTHER

sir, agent alvez sir, need i remind you that only 7 years ago you were also the lone wolf type?

"rattle off a list of your victims you know, besides penelope and teresa" GO OFF LUKE ALVEZ OMG

this is weirdly hot

"ever take matters into your own hands, luke?" is that a thinly-veiled comment about the fact that everyone knows about his feelings but he is yet to do anything about it yet? or am i too much of a garvez shipper and i'm reading garvez into every pen or luke interaction on this show

aw ex bf and boyf bonding!

"who have you pissed off recently?" lol besides you lukey?

why is voit doing sit-ups? man, he is weird

why don't they call him "Lee?" i feel like it would affect him more

62!?

god voit's a good profiler

elias has strong daddy issues and i think he needs dave's approval

what is he repressing? krystall?

oh my god voit's such a good villain

yeah man, don't date tyler if you don't want your trust violated or safety threateneed

oh my god are jj and em gonna fight?

no don't tease a relationship between teresa and luke please i can't

OMG, we finally got a GARVEZ confession!!!

"she knows i love her" luke you're breaking my heart, he sounded so sad :(

but also --- does she know? y'all never said it... and she needs the words said to her. she's not great with subtext, luke

i love that teresa's not letting him excuse his feelings or his inaction

GOD NO DO NOT DATE EACH OTHER I CAN'T TAKE LUKE DATING SOMEONE ELSE RIGHT NOW PLS

no elias, you ARE a fan boy

"honestly" "trust me" those words don't mean anything coming from you elias

god guys you're so much smarter than him, please stop trusting him PLEASE

"this was fun, dave!" god elias just likes fucking with them

yay!! tyler character development

i simultaneously love and hate this tyler / luke bromance

"we are stronger than anyone gives us credit for" YES SO TRUE I LOVE THESE TWO WITH ALL MY HEART

"it gives me you" aw, jemily fans are gonna lose their mind aren't they, but also they're my fav bff duo

"let's fucking go" LOVE YOU EMILY SO HARD

wtf teresa; oh my god this love square is going to kill me

"north star is us, the BAU" DAMN that's powerful

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 8

chapter 14:

1. “"Obviously fish have brains. All living beings have brains," Regulus tells him. "Well, except for you."”

ADKDJKSJSKS i’m sure that’s another moment in which regulus wanted to look to sirius as if to say “are you seeing this shit?”

2. 😭😭😭😭 james why are you still figuring out you might have a knife kink?? i been knew since before the arena. plsssss

3. 😭💀 the rocks in jars story

4. 😧 james killed someone for reg. no hesitation. that’s gonna haunt him forever

5. oh god, the tenderness reg uses with james after james murdered someone. he’s so gentle and worried for him. this is gonna haunt them forever

6. in reference to james committing murder: “He has the disjointed thought that his parents must have seen that, as well as Sirius. The last people in the world who would judge him for it, and he still wonders what they're thinking.”

JESUS THAT IS HEARTBREAKING. the people he cares most about isn’t judging him cause they’ve done the same thing. it just hurts

7. god, and now they’re face to face with death eaters. i can’t do this shit anymore

8. 😟😧 oh no.

“James can safely say he doesn't have a knife kink. Blade kink. Sword kink. Any of that—he doesn't have it. No, it's just Regulus he likes, and anything to do with him. When Mulciber has a sword to his throat, it's not sexy at all.”

9. reg’s threats are so scary

10. knowing reg’s loyalty to kill for sirius is fucking wild. he would murder everyone in that arena if it meant keeping sirius safe. and sirius did the same for reg.

11. 😧 shocked. oh my god. jaw dropped. reg is just hacking at mulciber with a hatchet

12. ✨evan✨☺️🩷

13. whoop there it is. in reg’s mind, he mistakingly referred to james as his boyfriend. it’s downhill from here

14. oh god, james is using his “it was self defense and murder is grotesque and not always clean” speech that he used to give to sirius all the time. i wonder how often he’s had to tell that to himself in this arena

15. GOD NOT THE FUCKING BEAR TRAP- JFC CAN THEY HAVE ONE MOMENT IN THIS ARENA???

chapter 15:

1. reg called james baby ☺️🥰💞

2. “"Sirius, you're going send something to fix him, or so help me, when I get out of here, I'm going to rip all of your hair out right from the scalp until you're fucking bald."” LMAOOO REG IS SO PROTECTIVE OF HIS NOT BOYFREIND THATS GONNA HAVE TO DIE ANYWAYS. and he threatened to make sirius bald 😭😭😭

3. “"I like you," James declares cheerfully, and Evan winks at him.” EVAN AND JAMES FRIENDSHIP EVAN AND JAMES FRIENDSHIP EVAN AND JAMES FRIENDSHIP

4. “Sometimes, healing is harder than being hurt.” godDAMMIT he’s right, and that cuts deep into my soul

5. reg and sirius are so like me fr in hating change. for them it’s the needing stability after a childhood of not having it, and for me, it’s autism.

6. reg is absolutely insane sounding and i’m 2000% on board for it

7. reg is willing to kill because they scarred james’ face but still says he hates every breath james takes. bitch. wtf do you mean you hate him? do you not get it yet?

8. 😐 bitch, yet another self indulgent moment that reg calls a parting gift

9. evan and reg team!! 🐈‍⬛🫱🏻‍🫲🏾🐍

10. comparing james to the sun >>>>>>>>>>

11. reg being the best seeker during hide and seek 👀

12. EVANNNN NOOOO

13. 😧 evan says he’s reg’s friend. shit i’m about to sob at one am as i’m writing this. and reg jsut lost the best friend he never got to have

14. god, reading from sirius’ pov now IS making me sob.

15. LMFAOOO I SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHING OVER THE BURNING TREE

16. shame on me for not realizing that the author of crimson rivers also wrote just lovers. i just realized that. like, while reading authors notes. i feel so fucking stupid rn

[acotarfrustrations]

An ongoing list of acowar grievances I'm keeping track of while I read (because there's too many to make a post about all of them)

1) Feyre's constant edginess. It's such a bizarre and ham-fisted shift in the voice of the character from the previous book. Too much tell, not enough show

2) "that they thought Rhysand could ever force someone . . . I added that to the long list of things to repay them for.".........lol OK girl

3) Feyre all of a sudden knowing how to use every power she has despite her very limited "training"

4) constant mention of Lucien and Elain's mating bond. Not only do I not give a damn, I REALLY wish it wasn't a thing all together

5) CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE IMPORTANCE OF THE MORTAL QUEENS TO ME? WHO TF EVEN ARE THEY?? It's so stupid that they don't get brought up until feyre is a fae like we have no clue the humans even have an overarching government until she's not human anymore. Why are they turning them Fae? What possible advantages can they grant the fae that they don't have already? How tf are there so many queens when the human territory is so small? For that matter, why tf is Hybern going to war over a tiny handful of humans? Why involve this convoluted plot with turning the mortal queens into Fae when it seems like the humans don't even know of their existence so they wouldn't listen to or follow them in the first place

6) this should be dual pov. I would LOVE tamlin's perspective or even lucien's

7) I need WAY more information about the cauldron because it makes no sense

8) this isn't a gripe but I just have to mention how bad I feel for lucien

9) somehow ianthe became 10x MORE boring as a villain. Like you could replace her woth Regina George and the book would be more interesting

10) WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SEXUAL ASSAULT, OH MY FUCKING GOD

11) this whole spying on the spring court thing is stupid, inefficient, and childish. The NC is risking the lives of all the courts doing this shit when they could easily just ACTUALLY TELL THE OTHER COURTS WHATS GOING ON TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO RALLY TOGEYHER AND DEFEND THEMSELVES, form an alliance, and reason with tamlin or attack him if he refuses to listen to reason. Most information they stand to gain from what they're doing is useless in light of how many fae and human lives stand to be lost or displaced

12) WE FUCKING GET IT FEYRE! THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE YOU! BENEATH YOUR SKIN YOU ARE A WOLF, A MOUNTAIN LION, A PANTHER, A COBRA, A TARANTULA, A BALD EAGLE, AND EVERY OTHER KIND OF PREDATOR UNDER THE SUN!!!!! JFC I GET SYMBOLISM BUT ITS GETTING CRINGE IN HERE

13) that entire ridiculous summer solstice scene in chapter 4

14) FEYRE COMPARING TAMLIN TO ARAMANTHA?! HELLO???????

15) the whole situation with using Lucien to make tamlin jealous is just....icky, idk

16) I almost regret wanting more political intrigue In these novels as it is by far Sarah Janet's weakest suit

17) framing jurian a villain is one of the dumbest decisions ever. Wish he had more screen time though

18) feyre's badass scene w/ the children of the blessed makes me wish that after she became fae, she returned to the human lands, killed/overthrew the mortal queens, said fuck you to tamlin and rhys, and just became queen of the mortal realms, having to earn her people's trust as a fae, protect and defend them, and come to terms w/ her loss of humanity. That would have been so EPIC

19) the entirety of chapter 8

20) the fact that acotar was written. If the series started w/ acomaf I would have a lot less problems. All the constant retconning and inconsistencies in canon and worldbuilding just keep pissing me off, idk I can't look past it

21) I'm losing count and I'm only on chapter 9 so I'm just going to keep reading for now. Might make a part 2 idk

[progmanx]

Soo… thoughts on the flip side?

I enjoyed it when I played it, but it left zero lasting impression on me, unlike the first two games. It holds no special place in my heart, and I honestly question why it exists. I think there's a lot you COULD say about sex workers and how that internal perception works, how Jecka's total lack of control in her life paralyzes her, but...I don't think this has really much to say at all. The FYE route reads and feels like a bad South Park episode, which is completely baffling.

And for the love of God if you want to if you NEED to for some reason make a joke about how this kid from the suburbs doesn't know geography SAY PAKISTAN FIRST as the one she is mixing up that was so tone deaf and pointless as a writing decision.

As much as SBN3 talks about how humor and jokes work and that's what he does? Where are the jokes. The same bit with Jecka's dad screaming at her is kind of funny the first time you play it but it's not gonna work twice. There's no longevity there's no LIFE to this, unlike the first two.

Basically none of the humor is actually going to be funny a second time unlike ALL of the Re-Up and a lot of the original game. For something that marketed itself as "the other games matter here to remember" they really didn't except the Nicole suicide route which was done extremely well but...we already did this messaging. That's why it was good we did ALL of this before. There was nothing actually new here to explore or say.

Just a remix in a far more muddied and far less entertaining way. Three routes are about jobs in the Recession which could be really interesting to explore but. They didn't.

I don't even have a problem with the feet thing, tbh, but it's the SAME joke over and over and over and it stops working faster than the game thinks it does imo.

Nicole having toe sex with Jecka's dad feels...baffling and bizarre. Especially after how much time was spent in the sex worker route FOR NICOLE last time. She can't fuck a stranger sober but she can do this? To this old creepy dude she is disgusted by at the start? I know she's vindictive but jfc???

We did this already.

Ms. Ames as the counselor (no she's not she's Remedial English), Kyle as...cited as the guy who killed his mom for Jecka in the opening but then he's just there? Again, talking about how the other games matter but they don't?? There's like. No characterization here, but most of all, above everything else, why I only enjoyed it once and why I don't love it?

There is not one trace of sincerity outside of the Nicole Suicide route. BECAUSE THAT'S FROM THE FIRST GAME. It all feels just so...hollow and forced and frustrated and almost spiteful. Like why the fuck is it ARI who dies and not JECKA KILLING HER DAD?! There's no consistency here, basically everyone is flanderized I just.

what the fuck?

I'm not even that disappointed, since I went in expecting nothing, but to go that hard on the first two and then you show up with whatever the hell this is? Anachronism after anachronism---if you want to talk about instituional cp you need to actually oh gee I dunno give that some fucking room. You SHOULD talk about it if you feel you can in a way that's HELPFUL but shouting it with nothing else to say doesn't do shit and really doesn't fit with...the other games actually saying stuff and meaning it.

I have defended the Mr. White stuff because of how easy the slippery slope of radicalization is but this is just fucking stupid. There's nothing to this. It's a bunch of references in the FYE route and if you can't get Antfish back just do not put the counselor in the voice doesn't work with an impression. There's like. no actual banter in this game, either. There's no solid back and forth.

I doubt I'll stick around for the anime if this is where things are at, like okay man. You had two great things I'll always love them. This gave me a fun evening and I am already struggling to remember anything that happened or anything that was said. The other two are seared into my brain forevermore.

also that last text message was just lazy troll dick move; everyone will think he is being entirely serious.

God just

HOW DO YOU GO FROM HAVING A COMEDY DUO THAT IS UP THERE WITH ABBOT AND COSTELLO TO DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

Wilbert's Worst

Right, so I really was open to having my mind changed on The Worst One but nobody’s argument has budged me.

I was going to write a complete, balanced essay on The Worst W. Awdry Book, but I’m a) mired in the research phase (hey if anyone knows someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of Tom and Jerry hit me up, for real) and b) right now I wanna talk about the characters and their Beloved Dynamics instead. 

So I'm just gonna get this out of the way so I can post the poll and move on to answering fun asks and watching Tom and Jerry in peace. Behold: a salty and unbalanced review.

Wilbert’s biggest failure of a children’s storybook? 

Henry the Green Engine 

Ohhh… because of the, uh, ra —?

Because of the racism, yes!

Oh. You do know that since 1972 they’ve republished it without the n-slur? 

Good for them. Two things: 

1. I know it used to be there, I’m never able to read it without knowing it was there in the first edition.

2. I consistently try, when ranking the books, to consider them in the context in which they came out. Because of this, I don’t like using “things that happened later” (like a new character never being properly used again or whatever) against the book. This helps me evaluate the author’s successes and failures against what they were trying to achieve when they wrote it vs what I would most want (blorbo content). It helps me not bring to bear the whole weight of fanon and fandom on a text that should be able to stand or fall on its own. Tl;dr I try to read the books like a guy who picked it up in 1951, or whatever. 

And yeah, if I’d bought this when it came out it would have had the slur. I’m going to judge it accordingly. 

Look, racism is bad, no argument, but does that mean the book as a whole must be condemned? 

Yeah, I think the slur and the “aaaand suddenly, blackface! heeheehee” bullshit fuck over the entire book, game over. Go directly to jail, do not collect $200. 

The Railway Series is not a work of high art or deep thorny complex literature. The books are meant for children — small children, at that. Children small enough to get bedtime stories read to them. The main goal of each book (especially this early on — you do have to manage secondary priorities like “pleasing the long-time fanbase” the longer you go, but right now we’re only 6 books into the series) is to create a happy imaginary world to enhance childhoods and family lives… to impart to other parents and kids a similar cosy happiness to that the author and his own kids enjoyed when he was workshopping/drafting the stories for them. When we say “children’s book” we really do mean little’uns — these average 1.25 full-color illustrations per page!

And these books sold in large numbers. This means it’s a certainty that somewhere in 1951 there was a Black family who owned the whole series, who went out to the shops, whose kid was like “ooh! Henry gets a book, neat…,” who like everyone else enjoyed the wild ride of Henry’s inspection and coal and wreck and rebuild… only to get verbally spat on one page from the end. 

Real mood-killer there. Epic fail, as the cool kids used to say in my youth. 

All right, fine, cool kids never said that. Anyway, statistically speaking there was certainly even more than one family that got that experience. Not to mention the non-Black families who even in 1951 were like “... wtf? i’d smack my kid if they ever said a word like that around me, geez. no.” Just a lot of people who had the light the book was kindling in them snuffed out all at once. 

You can actually be totally racist and your book not commit creative suicide on the penultimate page! Awdry flubbed his job of 'bestselling books-for-six-year-olds' here. Creative failure. Unforced error. Automatic zero. 

But times were different then, you have to consider it in the context of the time. 

1951 U.K. was not the nadir of multiracial equality or Black power, but jfc. I can assure you that over 99% of children’s books published that year in the Anglosphere managed to not use the n-slur. 

All right, all right. That was bad. But this feels off-topic. If you had never known about what used to be “Henry’s Sneeze,” would you still rank the entire book as dead last in the Wilbert Awdry corpus? 

Not dead last, but it is not a strong book. “Coal” and “The Flying Kipper” are super-interesting as material for Henry, but after that the book kind of falls off a cliff; the intrigue drops dramatically. The railway incidents chosen to make stories of are all solid choices, but it was not only “Sneeze” where Awdry’s handling of the material feels clumsy and weird. (And I’m not even talking here of the “heehee blackface — ain’t i a stinker?” gag in “Sneeze.”) 

But… “The Flying Kipper”? C’mon. It’s a superb story and no book that contains it can be the absolute worst in the series. 

“TFK” remains easily the best single TVS episode ever – but a lot of that is down to Britt and David’s artistry and judgment. 

Don’t get me wrong, a full-on railway wreck makes interesting material. But I don’t think the book does nearly as much with it as it could (and I’m trying sooooo hard here to forget about the amazing TVS adaptation, as I think it REALLY shows Awdry up. Even so, the storytelling here is surprisingly tepid and low-stakes). I get that Awdry probably wanted to lean into the comic angle and not make Henry’s condition afterwards seem too grave, in order to ensure the material wasn’t too dark for his young audience? (*mutters* again, a level of tender consideration for his readers’ youth that went right out the window when it came to small Black kids, evidently coz he couldn’t imagine that they read) Understandable, laudable — but if he outright refuses* to make the wreck too dramatic or scary then, well, then the wreck isn’t real scary or dramatic. And it can’t save the rest of the book from its flaws. 

*For all I know it could have been the publishers who insisted that the wreck be made preschooler-safe, that’s possible (although it’s also consistent with Awdry’s brand of humor and his overall low degree of emotionalism in his writing). Either way, though, the end result book is what it is and it will be judged accordingly. 

In addition to not being as exciting as many remember... @trainsupessandhuntresses asked me once if I thought some of Awdry's stories were "mean-spirited." I had to assent vigorously. And a surprisingly high proportion of those "mean" moments are in Henry the Green Engine? For some reason? It’s not just the racism. Awdry was not in the game to give Henry a deserved happy ending, he’d wanted to kill him off (the fuck?) and when his publishers prevented him (I don’t say this often, especially since I love how salty the Awdrys get about their publishers, but this in case good job, publishers!!) he wrote “TFK” with the primary motivation of giving Henry a new engine basis. Any soft or hearty emotions we get out of the deal are a side-effect — the only emotion that was fueling Awdry as he wrote this was spite, spite and a weird resentment towards his poor, long-suffering, invaluable illustrator. (I don’t blame Awdry for being frustrated that the engine illustrations were continually inaccurate or confusing, but I do think it’s weird to read all this great Henry material knowing that it was written with such poor grace.) 

So his ‘happy Henry’ stuff feels perfunctory; his Percy interlude is just brutal (why did you have to drag Percy into Henry’s book purely to give him a fuck-up, a scolding, and a messy dunce cap?); Gordon’s savaging of Henry for being too happy after recovering from a near-death experience is such an incredibly low point for Gordon that it’s hard for me to accept it as canon (there’s being proud, boastful, and self-absorbed, and then there’s being the straight-up raccoon dumpster fire Gordon is in that scene). Oh, and I think “call the police [local constabulary, doesn’t bear firearms]” woulda probably a less reckless way of dealing with the rock-throwing youths than the sneeze of hot locomotive ashes, which of course the Fat Controller doesn’t like, that shit coulda been real dangerous! Mind, there are small rays of kindness throughout that do get me (the interactions between Henry and his crew feeling to me the least perfunctory and most heartfelt), but this is overall such a mean-spirited book. God. It starts off with such a gentle story (almost a non-story, if you’re in it purely for the “railway incidents” game and not character drama), but in short order the vibes just sorta suck. At least in other RWS books, when the vibes are off, they’re usually off near the beginning and then improve by the end. This one gets worse as it goes on. Oof. Don’t like that. 

Also, the last page is sooooo lame. I suspect the publisher strong-armed Awdry into writing most of it so that at least the slur wasn’t on the last page of the book... and if Awdry had any idea of how much he’d just empowered Henry and all his fans in this book he shouldn’t have found it hard to find 50 extra words to sum things up. As it was, he’s just filling space and running out the clock, lol. Lame wrap-up. Boring. As usual when it comes to every little thing about this book, Britt and David closed this up better (mind, their closer – “He had taught Gordon and silly boys a lesson, with a whistle and a sneeze” – also sucked. But at least it was blessedly short.)

Didn’t you once list HtGE on a list of your favorite Wilbert Awdry books? 

I did list it as one of the books that “at one time or another” have been my favorite in the series. Unfortunately in the case of HtGE, that was back when I really couldn’t read a story that I knew from the TVS without mentally substituting the adaptation into my brain as I read… largely overriding the actual text. Plus, everything I knew from TVS as a kid kind of automatically got a halo effect. Plus, I was super into Henry’s arc. 

The first time I read HtGE after calming down and actually reading all the books as books... massive disappointment. There is such a gap there between what I'd thought the book said (all our incredible fanon work overanalyzing and headcanoning Henry and building this beautiful fantasy arc about disability!) vs. what it actually said (limp and careless writing, mean vibes, airbrushed n-slur, bad aftertaste). 

I do think there is some stuff about the development of Awdry’s storytelling technique here that is interesting (again, Tom and Jerry superfans reading this, please shoot me a message!) but it doesn’t counteract everything else. 

At least we’re over the racism stuff? 

Nah, I’m not over it, actually. 

[darcytaylor]

Hi there, I stumbled upon your blog and I am so glad I did! I really enjoyed reading your deep dives. I agree with a previous commenter; your posts have been articulate, understanding and compassionate while also being on the nose with your critiques. With all the heightened emotions right now, thank you for keeping things calm while also being able to explain your take on everything - it’s been very interesting to read! I’ve been desperately trying to find other posts/people that have similar vibes because this whole… situation-ship has been a bit much. I have to admit I learned a lot about Luke from your deep dives, mostly because I wasn’t really paying much attention to him until the press coverage started in earnest earlier this year. And I’m not entirely sure what to make of him now; it was very eye opening and gave me plenty to think about. I genuinely liked him up until this all happened, and I think I still do, but my god, has he (and his team) created a mess for himself. Some thoughts, in no discernible order: 

Saying he was most like his character/Colin. I 1000000000% agree with you here! I think that’s why it was so jarring when people found out about the (not so secret, I now realize) gf. “Colin as a character made them feel seen. They couldn't separate Luke from Colin because he kept saying he was like Colin” Ugh, that’s some heartbreak right there. 

I also feel very strongly about the age thing, and I’m heartened to hear I’m not alone in this. The age gap would be one thing for a “normal, everyday couple,” but I agree when there’s also a power dynamic involved, it just makes me feel even more uneasy. Then you add in his comments about how he remembers being in his early 20s…

His social media is a fucking mess. Someone else needs to take control ASAP. Especially if he claims he was moving it into a more professional direction. JFC, there are literal professional who get paid to do this; hire them.

I agree that he should be booked for, like, the next 2 years from this point, and that’s a huge mistake that he isn’t. He can’t just seriously think he can fuck off to Fashion Week and this will all blow over, right? Right!?!?

I think we can all agree that Nicola is fucking perfection. 

(Can you tell I have a comms background? Everything about how all of this has been (mis)handled has made me want to cry, scream and throw up - and not in the funny meme way. But seriously, how can his team bungle all of this SO POORLY???) Anyway, I have a lot more thoughts but I’m now worried I’ve flooded your ask box. Thanks for humoring me!

Thank you for taking the time to read all of the deep dives and your kind words!

The whole situation has been wild to look at from the outside. I could see so much hate going around from all sides and felt that maybe if I put everything together, people could look at the situation with clear eyes.

I think that Luke still has the potential to go places in his career and hopefully the situation that he has found himself in will help him. You know the saying "sometimes you have to hit rock bottom", this could be that for Luke.

[devine-fem]

As someone who likes Damijon as both platonic and romantic…I don’t understand the obsession of certain antis bring up whole age gap thing when it comes to Damian and Jon. It’s getting really old and pissing me off at this point.

I can’t recall a fandom I’ve been in where antis kept bringing up an age gap between two characters.

Idk if I’m talking out of my ass but it sounds like as if antis think the fandom puts Damijon in sexual situations 24/7 when that’s not the case.

Jfc no one is forcing you to ship them if you don’t (it’s not even canon!) but don’t go around accusing the fandom as p*d*s just to make a point. ( I know in fandoms there some weirdos too but it doesn’t make up a whole)

Let the Damijon fandom enjoy whatever crumbles they are getting right now…because it’s really just crumbles at this point.

If those antis also consist of those who are our rival ships (they know who they are) like yall are getting canon content rn from DC if you’re upset with the quality of it speak with your wallet idk…???

Sorry for the rant it’s just for the most part Damijon fandom has been pretty chill (excluding Twitter that’s another can of worms) and I hate the accusations parts of the fandom love to make.

Yeah… people don’t talk about how Jon had to be 11 to Damian’s 13 before he left for space because they only read super sons, they never really look at any other source or think about their ages as more than that because tom taylor said out his mouth that they were 3 years apart when dissing the ship BUT he admits himself to not know their exact ages and that it could be a 2 year age gap.

So I just think of it as two years, and with two years I don’t really care because personally even in my youth I’ve been with people who are two years older with no issue because age alone doesn’t determine whether or not someone is taking advantage of you for obvious reasons. Age gaps are not tangible things, to some people what you consider weird is normal to someone else.

Then there’s the fact that neither Jon or Damian have birthdays. Damian was aged up for teen titans which people don’t seem to care about. Among other things like how Jon and Damian are the same age in most other universes… did you know that? Also, people like to say theres a maturity gap but forget that Damian was the immature one that picked fights. Plus, when characters grow up beside each other then it’s less ‘weird’ cause then they are expierencing similar traumas. It’s probably lots smaller then we think.

When I talk about them with a three year age gap then its probably platonic but sometimes romantic, two years then its sometimes platonic or romantic, one year, platonic or romantic and I stay between these because their age can slightly change their dynamic. It’s for fun, its exploring their platonic dynamic if it had elements of romance to it. Its interchangeable to me but for the most parts its two.

They are barbies that I play with at my own free will. They are not real people, they may imitate life but they do not infact replicate it.

So yeah… when they are young I only ever have really seen or interacted with media where J and D have not done more than maybe peck. Its just supposed to be cute and sweet.

Do people not understand the concept of the fact Jon and Damian should not be getting into a serious relationship while they are young or else it would go horribly wrong? Do they not understand that a lot of the ships appeal in the childhood friends TO lovers factor?

It kind of bothers me to be having to put the fact that I l hate Jonjay and like Daminika in my bio so people can get a feel for the type of person I am. And “rival” ships? there’s no rivalry, I don’t feel threatened by other peoples ships at all… especially if they’re canon… unless its like jonjay where the origin of the ship is inherently problematic, substanceless and built on character assassination… but we hate damijon and praise THAT? We say that damijon is worse than that? I’m sorry but jonjay to jon kent is jayroy to roy harper to me.

Twitter is very strange, very very strange people on that app to which this morning I had to uninstall because I KNEW that they would feel threatened by damijons today and hate profusely in response to it.

Although, you guys gotta put that age gap shit to bed…

Dami look 14 here to you? If Damijons are the ones who don’t read comics then how do we know that they are well in their 20s and 30s here. They are both consenting adults in main continuity that can do as they please here. You simply cannot say anything. No arguement can be supported now because now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

There was no point in hate the age gap really in the first place since time was always gonna heal it anyway???

But part of me kind of understands hating it if you experience fandom through twitter which is not a fandom app at all. Damijon stans are annoying and gross on twitter, I get it but not everyone is inherently horrible for obvious reasons.

[bigdsgirl]

Love Next Door, Episode 14 thoughts

It's sunday, I have thoughts on this damn show

NO I DONT WANNA RE LIVE THIS! AND SHE IS ALL HE THINKS ABOUT?? I will combust.

a CONTEST????? WHAT???

i think Seok-ryu should work at this guy's restaurant or help at her dads!

the faith he has in her to win! i love that about each other, they are each others biggest champions!

As someone who works in public health, i freaking love that the Korean Vegetable Association held this! LETS GOOOO!!!

Mom standing there with popcorn! Girl, gimme some that bag is huge.

I hope this episode is the Dan-ho and Mo-eum show! I love my babies! <3

Tell me the truth, why in the heck are you so against this??explain?? i need to know unless i am dumb and missed it. WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MY YEON-DU?? WHY!!!

he said i can't quit you! (southern drawl)

oh, so we are fighting her mom now? oh wtf, this is uncalled for! we do not call my girl Yeon-du pitiful!!

decrease your work load? pray tell? GETTING MARRIED????? OH LORD. i just know this is gonna get messy.

the ta-da has me rolling, seung-hyo, the comedian you are

okay the advice she is giving is actually solid..... hmm, i have reservations. okay she is apologizing i think? whew.

BESTIE TIME!! HELL YEAH!!

"why does your story have so many twists and turns?" pot meet kettle. not the SPIT TAKE!!

seung-hyo looks soooooooooooo good in that blue striped shirt. blue is your color sir!

oh yes! dan-ho and seung-hyo guy time! now tell him you love mo-eum! right now! ugh they are talking about house improvements for the community, i'll let it slide.

oh fuck yes, getting to the good bits. i love meddling and matchmaking (when it's fun) - the acting of 'surprise' this is fucking hilarious.

"Im not an entertainment reporter but that was terrible" TELL THEM!

OH MY GOD THIS KISS !! SCREAMING!! not the getting up because he cant take it. "why did you stop?" LMFAO. these two. i will die.

okay that confession was so sweet 😭😭

reconnaissance on the snack shop, i love it - omfg wait mom is there? they are staking the place out! that's right queen, know thy enemy! awh shit, it's good.

aw, he is so down. this is breaking my heart. the reality of it all.

oh yes i love this! support her to get NerTube famous 😎

not the most beautiful person comments. BYE

i s2g he better be recording this because that was fucking cute

damn it he wasn't - a crime. 😤

not the brother hitting her with the "don't fall for me" - lmfao

not her buying mom bread since she is gonna continue seeing dan-ho!! damn right!

i get she is saying its going to be a heavy load taking on a child... but jfc can we have a normal conversation about this?

everything she wants Mo-eum to have? why in the fuck can't she do that with Dan-ho? and Yeon-du? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

huge compliments to the writer for seok-ryu's parents arc. it's so real and i really do like their marriage, especially with the flaws they have as humans. 💗and the CUT TO THEIR WEDDING PHOTO?

me when i realize it's proposal day:

will it go well? lmfao absolutely not. it's only episode 14!

bahahah everything going wrong today, oh this is gonna be good. we got shower not working, burning with the iron! oh is this perhaps a sign? SIR?

ugh the cost of trips like these -- we gotta be firm about the budget friends! <3

my boys getting drunk again! uh oh!

ooooo fancy flowers! I do love those blooms <3 oh girl is not read for this at all.

PRO TIP FOR ANYONE PROPOSING TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE: the moment of a proposal can be a surprise, but the proposal itself should not be!

the CAR ACCIDENT LMFAOOOO - i do love that hes like we can fuck off and go to the hospital.

aw bringing her to the building he designed is so cute! oh this man is trying to drop fucking HINTS.

THIS MANS WIFE IS IN LABOR? AND HES HERE? OMFG WTF.

"I still have a chance" - brother no please cut your losses now. the universe is sending hints for a REASON.

and he trips. phenomenal.

oh she's offering to pay for the cruise? I know she is gonna do the 'noble thing', but queen. take the free trip. TAKE IT. of fucking course she is gonna lash out. please stop, right now. SToP FiGhTING!

oh fantastic lol, right when seok-ryu and seung-hyo's relationship is going up, their parents start fighting.

literally sobbing over the comment. fuck man that is so sweet.

i love seok-ryu's heart and desire for cooking and making videos. gosh its beautiful.

wait what the fuck im dying the proposal is actually sweet. andshe is gonna say..... no.... oh a fancy bracelet?? WHAT?

"I can't marry you" wait why can't? ma'am! but also sir did need to come down from reality.

"REJECTED SAYS WHO?" ME BITCH LOL.

I love how sad his voice when he said Dan-ho's name. besties 4ever!

alright Dan-ho, it's your time to give advice. knock him down a peg, he needs it. damn it, no Dan-ho don't do the hungry bit. you dumb dumb.

now the men are meddling, this is fucking everything to me. i love this friendship.

my little FAMILY WALKING TOGETHER!!! gosh i love the three of them. oh the flashback for the shoe laces, aw <3

i am going to combust, my gif queens someone please do the scene of the three of them walking <3

oh that god she got over it! yay! family dinner!

the way he slinks in to the snack shop LMFAO

lol the way they are both so PEEVED!!! HAHAH "this is betrayal!"

my man is drunk again at the stand and she is calling him out for it!! i like this stand owner!

we back at the bench. where he said his parents dont think of him. and now we are here due to the rejection! oh goodie!

well at least we are asking directly. because i want to know too!

NOT THE COOKING ROMANCE REFERENCES!

"you are my sesame oil" this lil drunkard

the housing references now omg ow.....

"why do you think we would live long lives" -> awe fuck girl, not because you are scared about getting sick again!!! wtf!!!

"Life is finite and death is inevitable" thanks seung-hyo, i already cried today

"there is one thing I can tell you for certain. I want to spend my life with you" alright okay these people

OH THANK GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!! <3

the "one hundred years, ten years, one day, it has to be with you"

OH FUCK SHIT THEY ARE FOUND OUT aJGLDFAGKJADFG

the thunderclap BAHAHAH

oh we in it now friends

LOL it's gonna get feisty. But I must know now, will Mo-eum go to Antarctica??? HELLO?? I'll wait, it's fine.

[mikuni14]

Life returned to the desert that was Monday and Tuesday. And at once with a whole jungle, with rich, lush greenery 💚

I don't know what it is about JBLs that they can make such series that I might not like in another country, but which I like so much in the Japanese edition. This week's new BLs from Japan are so much in the old school yaoi style that I like, they have so many classic tropes, possessive and crazy semes and all of this is done in such a light, smooth and chill style that I'm totally satisfied, happy and invested.

Sugar Dog Life - Ep 1 I really liked the first episode, a lovely pairing of a very nice and caring seme, who is also completely unhinged lol and a sweet, a bit wild, lonely but managing most of his life and reality uke. Both have their own lives, their existence is not conditioned by the other person, by "being someone's love interest": one is a policeman, the other is a student, worker and an amazing cook. Fortunately, it's not like the seme as a policeman dominates, rules and leads his "silly little uke" by the hand. Isumi makes his own decisions and shows initiative. The series is nicely done, the actors are charming, Isumi is so lovely, he will soon be a competition for Taichi in my little ranking of beloved boys with big eyes 💖🥺

KKKKKKKKAAAAWAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIII🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁!!!!!! Anyway Sugar Dog Life is very much my style. I also immediately thought of Honto Yajuu, one of my favorite mangas, which has a similar type of unhinged policeman seme.

Cosmetic Playlover - Ep 1-2 (First of all, I must warn you that at some point I will call this series Cosmetic Playover, because my slightly dyslexic brain keeps reading it that way 😑). This series does not hold back at all and does not hold back its seme 😩😆 Dear lord what a classic couple! Possessive, jealous, obsessive seme, "compensating" his perfection in many aspects with his unhinged and crazy behavior (a bit like the seme from SDL). This character in a different version could be unlikeable, but in this series he works brilliantly, maybe because he is so old school yaoi - and you know, the classics always work! And uke: also very old school - serious, responsible, noble, always knows how to behave and to do the right thing, very devoted to others and his work. I really like that he is clueless enough to be charming, without taking away his agency and reason. Natsume is smart and strong, he can take care of himself, when a problem arises he tries to solve it himself in a calm manner, not relying on others. When Sahashi constantly crosses his boundaries, Natsume is angry (and he shows it!) and tells him off, he constantly gets mad at him with his inner voice, he is not a victim of his aggressive advances. Natsume is the kind of character that if he really wanted to, he would put Sahashi in his place, and Sahashi is the kind of character that would definitely stop immediately. But the rules of the genre dictate that the seme should push the quiet but feisty uke, and you know what? I fully embrace that 😤 I've read TONS of these types of yaoi mangas, and I'm over the moon to see this adapted 🥳 I'm not kidding that I spent most of my time listening to Sahashi and his killer one liners like this :OOOOOOO This series is SO my style.

Jfc, Sahashi 😍😍

Also, both series have high rewatching value. I'd watch them again right now if I wasn't at work lol and if it wasn't WEDNESDAY OF BL DOOM.

[aprillikesthings]

I only ever watched the first twenty minutes of this a couple of years ago so I'm watching this today (yes, for my fic ahaha) and will note my thoughts:

"they're AGAINST so many things but are they FOR anything?" I mean, ....some of them were

The opening scene where he's walking down the street and a bunch of hippies start walking with him and grinning is hilarious

There's a shot of a young woman who is supposedly having "a freak out" (a bad trip) being dragged into the hospital by cops, and she sounds somewhat lucid to me ("do my friends know where I am? where are you taking me??? where am I??") but also, I don't think putting her in a cop car and dragging her to the hospital was likely to improve her mental state. (All they can do is give you a bed, keep an eye on you, and maybe sedate you; tho I suspect they also just restrained people sometimes.)

they interview a doctor who says "there's no way to predict who will have a bad trip [on LSD]" but we sorta did know how to prevent them?? Set and setting was talked about for years already. That said: a lot of people of that era did in fact use it very irresponsibly, or did stupidly high doses, and even gave it to people without their consent.

"They try to live without money but still beg" I mean. yeah the problem is that you can't live without money. But some of them were trying to make money obsolete to some extent (like the Diggers).

Watching a scene recorded at the offices of the San Francisco Oracle, I can't help thinking "man those would be worth money now" (I checked ebay just now--actual print copies of original issues are in the $100 range)(I have scans on DVD, which is by far the cheapest way to own/read it)

They interview a guy working there and he says "life should be a joy, and it's a drag!" and he talks about the "absurdity" of people driving to work every day in metal boxes by themselves, and like, he's not wrong. He also mentions the "alienation of middle-class life" which again: not wrong, especially at the time. Suburban life was just so much more stifling.

"They want a group of mutual support and affection to belong to" Well yeah that's. a normal human desire?? Does Harry Reasoner think that's a bad thing?

Oh hey they cover the Diggers feeding people in the Panhandle once a day: "This feeding typifies the hippie ideal of standing apart from society by means of mutual help and love. It contains its own ironies, for the daily feed is itself dependent on the food being offered by the very society that is being rejected" jfc so much of this just has big "And yet you participate in society!! Curious. I am very intelligent" energy lol

Okay so a doctor dude calls out how hippies say they love everyone in a very general sense but are incapable of loving another specific person that "might make demands of them," and tbh I think that was sometimes true. He also talks about how many of them seem to be using LSD because they struggle with managing negative feelings (especially anger), and again: not entirely wrong. (It's worth noting that in interviews with people who'd been teenagers during the Summer of Love, there were a LOT of stories of people escaping abusive homes, including numerous accounts of CSA, which imho puts the "they do LSD bc they can't deal with negative emotions" in a very different light)

A couple of hippies point out: Y'know we do drugs in part just to increase our sensory experience, right?? Like it's great listening to music on it. You know that, right????

"LSD will damage your chromosomes!!" Thankfully, that one was disproven.

So they interview a young guy in a psych ward about his experiences with LSD, and this poor kid describes what was obviously severe social anxiety, and that taking LSD a few times cured it--he was no longer anxious that other people would reject him, because LSD gave him that (very common on LSD) effect of feeling "at one" with all people/living things/the universe, and instilled in him the concept that all humans are beautiful. "I'm not afraid of people anymore, because even if they reject me, they're still beautiful." Harry Reasoner is like "but it's fake" my dude shut up. oh my god. Harry: "but what about dangerous people?" Kid: "yeah, there's dangerous people, but they're still beautiful." Harry' just like "okay but you SHOULD be afraid of other people" and the kid's just like. Nah.

Like, they're researching using hallucinogens for treating things like anxiety NOW. Because it sometimes works!

Tbh this kid seems pretty lucid and smart. And the reason he's in there is that he "talked about God too much" so his mother had him committed.

Harry: "So tell me what God's like." Kid: "First of all God is everything, so he's like everything. He is everything. There's nothing that he isn't." This kid doesn't seem crazy to me. He's saying shit tons and tons of people have said!! Someone give him a copy of Julian of Norwich's "shewings." He's not alone.

Holy shit they interviewed this kid's mom and wow. Yeah she's just. Refusing to actually validate anything her son has said to her. "I can't describe to you the feeling that it gives you when your son says to you, 'Can't you feel it, God is everywhere...' But I told him, 'You don't see God until you die!'" Your son is saying the same shit mystics have said throughout history, lady; and he's expressing himself very clearly for a teenager. I'm not going to quote all the bullshit she says but she clearly just has a very sensitive son who had anxiety, and LSD gave him a sense of wonder at the universe, and she thinks that means he's crazy. (She does mention that drug use should be a medical issue and not a criminal one, so points to her for that; but based on what they showed, her son shouldn't have been locked up.)

They also interview a teenage girl who is there after multiple suicide attempts. She was on LSD when the people she was with sexually assaulted her, and shortly after she first attempted suicide. And again they interview the mom...who describes a textbook case of major depression after a traumatic event: "She lost interest in herself, she was very lethargic. She didn't want to do anything, even things she used to do." The girl attempted suicide two more times. Mom is trying to do the right thing, here. But again, this wasn't the fault of LSD?? It's the fault of the people who assaulted her?

God, this is heartbreaking: "When I found out, I didn't know what to say. And she asked me, 'Are you angry at me?' and I said, 'Why would I be angry [at you]?' I just didn't think this would happen. I wanted something better for her." ;_;

They bring on some doctor of neuropsychiatry who says absolute word vomit ("This is really a very serious malignant form of modern civilization which means that we no longer have the stamina to really hassle with our youngsters in a purposeful way of learning," and he keeps going! Sir, are you DRUNK?)

They go to a crash house run by the Diggers and act like giving homeless kids a place to sleep and food to eat is harming them. But you see this even NOW in cities with high homeless populations--the idea that housing/feeding them is only enabling them. (Don't even get me started that shit it makes me furious.)

They admit the hippie movement sounds real attractive to young people and openly list the reasons: "The way they dress, the way they advocate love as opposed to hate, peace as opposed to war, self expression as opposed to inhibition. All these things put them in the role of courageous and warm-hearted rebels against cold stiff square old-fashioned authority." I mean. Yeah????? I know people hate on boomers a lot, but for real, they were rebelling against pretty hardcore "conform or die" messaging from the 50's, plus the Vietnam War.

"Doctors see a universal danger in use of LSD: they feel that normally rebellious young people may be turned into emotional cripples. At a time when they should be meeting and solving problems of sexuality and personal identity, they deaden their drives with a magic pill which solves nothing. They may never grow up." This is at least half "suffering is good for you" rhetoric. Also by "sexuality" they don't mean "figure out if I'm gay" lol they mean "realize you might want sex, and therefore get married and have children."

The talk to a few people at one of the Digger crash houses. One of them is like, "I like it here. I have my own room and I cook food for everyone." She literally just....found a sense of meaning by helping people out and being around people with the same ideals as her. This is not a bad thing.

BAAAHAHAHAHA THEY GO TO THE GRATEFUL DEAD HOUSE

They admit plenty of the hippies are hard workers trying to create a better world--but because that better world is at least partially inspired by their experiences on LSD, those ideas are completely dismissed.

Look at this BABY-FACED JERRY GARCIA

Anyway the members of the Grateful Dead talk about how they do want a more peaceful world and a simple life (hahhhhh) and that, yes, most people decide to be hippies after doing LSD, but that plenty of people do it a few times and stop, because they've learned what LSD had to teach them.

They show people at a rock show, dunno where, but there's a liquid light show projected onto the stage and people are dancing, and ironically this is SUPER useful for my gd fic because I couldn't find any CROWD SHOTS from the original Fillmore or Avalon! Anyway apparently said theaters didn't sell alcohol, useful to know.

More scare-mongering about bad trips--which they admit could be brought on by being hungry and sleeping outside. (but giving them a warm place to sleep and food to eat is bad??)

OH HEY they talk about the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic. (I looked it up and TIL: They didn't close until 2019.)

Some discussion of how other drugs were starting to come onto the scene--and they show a guy slumped over on the couch at the clinic. (On a related note: for real, heroin is bad. Like the anti-drug people are actually right on that one. Don't do heroin.)

The guy who started the clinic said that a lot of the older doctors who volunteer there, themselves have kids who are hippies. So there's this need to understand their kids better and a drive to help people like their own children. "The attitude [towards hippies who need healthcare] of 'let them die' changes when it's their own kid." Yeah I bet it does.

More from the guy who started the clinic: "One thing that people don't realize is that the Haight-Ashbury is a symptom, not a cause. And that the kids are attracted to the Haight-Ashbury because of some deprivation, primarily intellectual deprivation, in their former mode of life. And I think this is why [kids from] the middle class are so intensely involved in the Haight-Ashbury: because it is a product of the middle class. It's not a peripheral movement, it is a direct reaction against the forces that control the United States. And it's not an anarchist movement*, the hippies aren't interested in any philosophy, including communism! They just want to live their own life."

(*Some of the Diggers might disagree on that one lol)

Back to Harry Reasoner: "The way the hippies want to live seems in the end to consist of childish postures. They claim they want to be left alone, but they are masters at setting up public occasions which are bound to draw attention if not interference. Just as an unruly child will act up in a way that attracts adult intervention, and then complain about it." LOLOL this is literally just "they're having fun in public and it's not to my tastes, so I don't like it." Like their example is a band playing on a fire escape and people on the street dancing. That's Wholesome, my dude; you just don't like the music or the kind of dancing. But they BLOCKED TRAFFIC OH NOES. The cops show up, the band stops, the crowd starts singing "God Bless America" at the cops, lolol. Oh and then the Grateful Dead announce they're gonna play in the Panhandle, so the crowd wanders off. The Dead then play Dancing in the Street, which even Harry Reasoner admits is funny.

"They object to the ills which beset society: social hatreds, money-grubbing, spiritual waste. But their remedy is to withdraw into private satisfactions." ....okay he's not entirely wrong there. Like, it's difficult to talk about hippies as this monolithic group that all want one thing, because that absolutely was not true. But for plenty of them, the goal was just to have a good time.

Finally, he lays out his theses:

"You can say three things about them. They, at their best, are trying for a kind of group sainthood. And saints running in groups are likely to be ludicrous. They depend on hallucination for their philosophy. This is not a new idea and it has never worked. And finally they offer a spurious attraction of the young: a corruption of the idea of innocence. Nothing in the world is as appealing as real innocence. But it is by definition a quality of childhood. People who can grow beards and make love are supposed to move from innocence to wisdom."

I.....what does that mean. Why are saints in groups "ludicrious." When was it tried before that didn't work. How the fuck does this guy define innocence and wisdom and why are they mutually incompatible??

And boy oh boy would he hate to find out that a very common idea among these people's kids/grandkids is going to be "I'm allowed childish pleasures and whimsy, as long as I pay my bills etc., if they make me happy and I'm not hurting anyone." Like, I watched this thing because I'm writing fanfiction about a cartoon (theoretically) aimed at children. Daci is downstairs playing a video game. This house has dozens of stuffed animals in it. We go to comic conventions.

Harry Reasoner would be so mad at us for doing all that stuff, instead of doing the marriage/kids/house in the suburbs thing ahahahhaaaaa

In this case, sir, the hippies won. Sorry.

[queenlua]

Writer interview game

tagged by @ultrakatua , hello thank you i’m a slut for attention

(if you're reading this you should feel free to consider yourself tagged, even/especially if you feel like you don't know me that well!)

When did you start writing?

Since I was pretty little… my 1st/2nd grade teacher had this thing where everyone had to write something in their journal every morning and I was SUPER tryhard about it, and when she told us we didn’t have to write about our lives, we could write about ANYTHING, I definitely started making up wild stories n shit

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I read anything and everything. I guess I wouldn’t be a very good writer of big nonfiction history tomes, but that’s mostly because it requires, y’know, knowing a lot of history first; if I had that knowledge it seems like it’d be fun to try!

I used to say “I could never write a mystery” but then I read Tana French and was like ooooh maybe mysteries are cool actually so. huh. i guess i can imagine myself trying to write just about anything once. (in practice i mostly end up writing a combination of moody litfic and shlocky scifi/fantasy)

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I’ve occasionally tried to actively emulate a specific author’s style, but that kind of thing feels kind of hard to sustain for more than the length of a writing exercise. it's kind of like trying to talk with a different accent. like, sure, you CAN train yourself to talk a different way… but i like how i talk fine, i’m too lazy to change :P

i dunno if i’ve heard many ppl comparing my writing to Actual Authors! and i lack the objectivity to figure it out myself haha

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

i do the Truman Capote thing where i mostly write lying down (but on a couch instead of in bed b/c partner is an extremely light sleeper and i do most my writing between midnight and 4am lol)

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

god i wish i knew!!! then maybe i’d be able to muster it up on demand!!!

(in fanficland i seem to tend to glom onto a specific character and then just write ten fics Examining That Character From Every Angle. in origficland it’s that but usually with some sort of archetype or folktale or something that i’ve become briefly obsessed with)

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

…I did have a moment earlier this month where I typed a line of dialogue, thought to myself “that sounds faintly familiar hm,” did a ctrl+f on my computer, and discovered I’d used a very similar line of dialogue in an abandoned WIP from seven years ago, in a scenario VERY THEMATICALLY/SITUATIONALLY familiar to the WIP i was working on, and i was like. oh my god. i so have a Type why am i like this

(in this particular situation the Theme & Variation was along the lines of “doing a Horrible Thing under duress but also none of these other fucks are willing or able to do it so i guess i gotta, jfc.” skimming over my past few pieces, inasmuch as there’s any commonality between them, i think i can point at, like… “feeling trapped by a mostly-internal sense of obligation that is nonetheless *experienced* as though it were external,” “people talking past each other for very good yet nonetheless tragic reasons,” “clueless rich guys,” “angry women contemplating murder”)

((wait, also: awful dinner parties and awful sex. fuck, why didn’t i lead with that one. i want to write awful dinner parties and bad sex for the entire rest of my life))

What is your reason for writing?

passes time between now and the grave

(less glibly: i get pretty unhappy if i go a long time without Making something, and of all my creative-ish abilities, writing is the one i find most satisfying)

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Once I finished playing a game, thought to myself “that was good but I really want backstory for [character] and actually I’m pretty sure I have the only correct take on said backstory,” and then proceeded to write that fic. A commenter came in saying “hey I came here because I was really craving backstory for [character] and now I can stop reading because yours is clearly The One that I was looking for, thanks." That felt really good! how often have i had to write a fic, not because I wanted to, but because NO ONE ELSE had written the one I wanted to read??? Glad to spare you some trouble, random internet person.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

for origfic: the author is dead babey. do not perceive me. i am not here

for fanfic: i still don’t mind if the reader simply Does Not Perceive Me; the work itself is the thing i care most about. but, y’know. if someone reads my fic & is like “i’m insane about this character in the exact same way Lua is, i’m-a slide into her DMs,” i’m very down for that, lol. it’s like whale songs. i’m out here singing my goofy tune and maybe i never hear anything back but if i do that’d be a sweet bonus

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

hmmmm. i’m never quite sure how to think about this sort of question… people often answer with something like “dialogue” or “descriptive imagery” or whatever, but that started to feel kind of weird to me at some point? like pointing at a symphony piece and being like “the low winds were especially good at staying in tune,” like it may be a correct observation, but also the whole orchestra has to be in tune to *some* extent for the piece as a whole to work, and when it *is* working the thing you point out as a strength isn’t gonna be something ticky-tack like that

…but i’m not sure what i’d specifically point to as a higher-order thing haha. i guess, last time i reread some of my own stuff, i was pretty pleased with how much interpersonal *tension* there was in various “ppl talking in rooms” scenes (see: awful dinner parties), so maybe something along those lines

How do you feel about your own writing?

arguably the main reason to write fanfic is so I can go back and reread it 2+ years later and be like “damn this shit rules, bitch was really onto something there”

(i like it! it’s pretty fun good stuff! a pleasing mix of action/plottiness/gratuitousness and, like, actual character and narrative work)

[gainesha]

BSG rewatch notes, cont'd and ended (spoilers, obviously):

it was so nice to watch the whole thing again, once again being reminded why I fell in love with these characters

the second half of Season 4 is much stronger overall as the first one, but the Tigh-Six baby plotline is awful. dumb and ludicrous. gave lots of fantastic acting moments for Hogan and Helfer, at least

Michael Nankin was the GOAT for directing Sometimes a Great Notion

I had loved the piano man story from Someone to Watch Over Me, so I was looking forward to rewatch that, but I completely forgot that the other main plot of the episode is going to be Boomer kidnapping Hera, and jfc, the locker room sequence with Helo and Boomer as Athena and Athena watching them is probably the most horrifying scene of the whole show, genuinely disturbing

I really like the finale. the flashback structure works very well for showing us how far all these characters came, and also crystallizing their story arcs, the stakes of their present-day choices. the last mission is intense and satisfying. the big showdown between Cavil and the Final Five / colonials and the Opera House reveal is a bit bumpy, but I still love the anticlimax of Cavil just saying ah fuck this shit. the ending always made emotional sense for me, and because the emotional farewell was the more important expectation for me (rather than getting a wholly satisfying mythology and precisely worked out plot machinery), and I feel good about the exodus part, too, I can more easily let go of my quibbles of explaining how the people of the fleet actually went along with throwing all their technology into the sun and going into the wild which would realistically mean quite a low life expectancy for them - like, I would not last outside modern civilization at all, but considering the rate with which we have been destroying our planet in the years since the show ended, their choice to have a clean slate is all the more wishful and heartfelt. (also a nice sentiment to forego colonizing the natives of Earth). Kara's "poof" is jarring, but I find her narrative arc complete and wonderful. I don't need to know exactly what she was after she returned from Earth-1. I even didn't mind the epilogue! like, the dancing robots would probably be AI if they remade the show today, but otherwise, the all of this has happened before... message of the show, with all its cheesy directness, still stands. except maybe it's more difficult to share HeadSix's optimistic prognosis

"You know, I know about farming" is the best line reading of the whole show

I wish we got at least one more Leoben-Kara scene after the one in Sometimes a Great Notion. that was a huge turning point in their relationship, but it should have been followed up, and I am sure it would have if not for the unavailability of Callum Keith Rennie. that is the only part of the show that feels incomplete.

I was ranking all the episodes for myself alongside the rewatch, so here's my bottom 5 and my top 10. I still need to rewatch The Plan, which in my memory is barely more than a glorified clipshow with some nice acting, so that could possibly be in the bottom five as well. and yes, that is a 7-parter in the second place, sue me.

Black Market (2x14)

The Woman King (3x14)

Hero (3x08)

Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down (1x09)

Deadlock (4x16)

10. The Passage (3x10) 9. Someone to Watch Over Me (4x17) 8. Downloaded (2x18) 7. Pegasus (2x10) 6. The Oath / Blood on the Scales (4x13-14) 5. 33 (1x01) 4. Scar (2x15) 3. Unfinished Business (3x09) - non-extended version 2. New Caprica arc: Lay Your Burdens Down 1-2., Occupation, Precipice, Exodus 1-2., Collaborators (2x19-3x05) 1. Maelstrom (3x17)

[maniculum]

So, this one is from Cambridge's MS Kk.4.25, which Cambridge's digital library describes as a "didactic miscellany". There's actually quite a lot of information on this manuscript accompanying their digitization... I'm putting a cut here before I start throwing in the links and images and stuff.

All right, link:

The manuscript is from England circa 1230, and is apparently from the same tradition as another of their bestiaries (Fitzwilliam MS 254). One of the major differences between the two is that this contains a couple extra chapters, including one enigmatically titled "The Four Ways it is Sinful". (The four ways what is sinful? You know. It.)

The description also tells us this is "a masterpiece of bestiary imagery, often overlooked in discussions of the most beautiful examples," which is not the vibe I was getting from the Flat Crocodile at the top of this post, so hold on a bit while I flip through the digitization.

Okay, so Flat Crocodile is not representative, this is really good. The section on sea creatures is quite charming also. I recommend everyone go follow that link above and flip through it a bit -- there's a table of contents you can use to skip straight to the bestiary.

Anyway, to the point of this whole thing. This critter is supposedly a scorpion, and in fact appears in the "worms / vermin" section of the bestiary. If I'm reading the Latin correctly, it comes between the leech:

and the caterpillar:

Despite that context -- i.e., it being in the correct section and surrounded by other things that fall into the medieval category of "worm" (remember, that's a broad category for them, it includes insects and arachnids like scorpions just fine), our artist has drawn what is clearly the only reptile in the chapter:

It even says "Scorpio vermis" right under the image, jfc.

Also, the lumps around the base of the tail can't be credited to Pliny's "knots" as mentioned before; I counted at least three other lizards with those same lumps when I was looking through the digitization, so it's just part of the artist's style.

Speaking of the artist's style, this one should be exempt from the "identifiably a different animal" penalty because it has little ears and a generally mammalian head... except that's, again, how this artist draws all their lizards. In fact, this "scorpion" is basically identical to the Botrax/Botruca a few pages earlier:

I'm making the executive decision than this penalty applies when the artist is just re-using the design of another critter in the same bestiary, even if technically that's not a real animal.

All right, points:

Small Scuttling Beaſtie? ✓, sure, in context we can assume such

Pincers? ✘

Exoskeleton or Shell? ✘

Visible Stinger? ✘

Limbs? 4

Vibes... I dunno. It's fine. It's a lizard, which is nice enough, but we've had much better lizards. And it's kind of losing out in comparison to the other illustrations in this manuscript. I went back and forth between a 2 and a 3, and eventually decided to just settle at 2.5 / 10.

As previously mentioned, -1 for copying. Which... oh dear. Makes this officially the Third Worst Scorpion, sorry Flat Croc fans.

Final points:

2.9 / 10

Eyes on your own work.