#beat her up shes so cringefail

[cptnghoulowl]

Okokok

Last chapter scared the fuck out of me but THIS?

LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST OUTCOME. TAKE THAT YORU YOU DUMB BITCH (affectionate).

Nayuta is a child. Like seriously. Thank God. No aging early bullshit or whatever. She's like, idk, 10-12. And she can seem to sense that Yoru is around? At least she's aware that something is off about Asa. She's smart too, pointing out Denjis unfortunate luck with women.

I have a hunch that Denji has told her about Makima. I have no idea how that conversation would have gone but, well. She doesn't seem oblivious to it, at least that's what I think.

Also YOOOOOO

Yoshida lore next chapter??? Are we FINALLY going to learn a little bit about this sussy man????

[swordmaid]

the fact that you can know recruit minthara via grove raid defence means that she can finally be a companion in shri’iia’s playthrough …!!!!

[jupiters-galaxy]

I've seen some people criticize how quickly Peter and Steph fell for each other (to the point of being the thing they treasure most), and while I do understand some of the criticism, I think there are a few key things that some people aren't picking up on.

-Treasuring each other IS NOT strictly romantic. While it's true that Peter is in love with Steph, and Steph with Peter, it goes deeper than their repressed love story. They ARE friends. They do genuinely like spending time together, although their connection is relatively new. They care about each other as people first; neither of them seem like they NEED to be in a relationship with the other. They seek each other out even when they're just friends.

-It's also important to remember that the lords in black only want treasured things in the metaphorical sense: they can't give up OBJECTS. It presumably has to be a person or a concept.

-It's important to remember that both of them have been through an unbelieveable ordeal. Peter's closest friends were murdered. Stephanie lost her DAD, and although they weren't close, that can't have been easy to stomach. I cannot stress this enough; Peter and Steph quite literally have no one else left. Peter has no other friends. It logically tracks for him to be attached to Stephanie, as she is someone who experienced the same traumas as him. From Stephanie's angle, she doesn't really like her friends, and since objects are out of the question, Peter is the only person who she feels truly knows her. He's really the only option for her, even if her feelings are confusing.

-I also want to point out that you can really kind of feel them falling for each other, although it is admittedly subtext. Peter is weak to Steph as early as the opening number. He does out of character things to make her happy; a compliment from her makes his day amazing; he faces his biggest fear in hopes of seeing her at Pasqualli's. Stephanie cares for him from the first day they meet, although her care is a lot more ambiguous. She teases him about how he's into her, but at the same time, she's protective of him, feeling horrible that he got beat up and wanting to stop it. Even beyond that, she's inclusive towards him, inviting him to hang out with her simply because she likes his company. Her attraction to him makes sense: we know that Steph has a thing for funny and smart guys, and Peter's geeky snarkiness ABSOLUTELY fits. Their relationship is one that just makes a lot of sense!

-Their relationship is actually portrayed really realistically near the end. They're not intense about their love, nor are they overtly sexual. In NPMD, they don't even kiss! The furthest they go is dancing close together and having conversations, cautiously stepping into a new relationship that they mutually want. Despite the heavy nature of their confessions in As Cool As I Think I Am (Reprise), the payoff is not drastic. The confessions were likely only so heavy because they both thought Peter was about to die. Of course he would go out detailing how he loves her, and of course she would say it back; their last memories together should be good ones. When faced with normalcy, they progress as most teens would.

-At the end of the day, they're two traumatized teenagers who already liked each other before the trauma. It makes sense that they feel like the other is the most important to them; after all, Grace is the only other survivor from their group, and they're thinking about her in a less than favorable way past Richie's death, if not sooner than that.

This is not to say they're perfect, but I think their portrayal was really sweet and a joy to watch. I think the implications are extremely interesting idk!! I love Peter and Steph, I think they're more nuanced than they're getting credit for. I love to see cringefail nerds getting badass and amazing girlfriends, let me have this!!!!!

Anyways yeah that's my hot take. One of many. NPMD is consuming me someone help

[lavendernlilac]

Why yes I ABSOLUTELY think Grian has walked in on scar MULTIPLE times practicing how to unclip a bra, to make it funnier imagine him putting it ON and trying to take it off, FAILING then going “babe help I can’t get it off🧎‍➡️”

-🪷

PLEASEEEE JDGHFGHFDJGHFGJ

we were thinking of the same thing actually omg xD it's such a funny image too. scar's got it on and he's like ":O I can totally do this, hell yeah. I'm gonna impress grian so much" only the clasp gets stuck in that really annoying way where you can't just use one hand to unclip it and scar can't get a good grip

grian opens the door and it's scar kneeling on the ground hunched over and almost wrestling with himself, face pressed against the floor. he turns to look her and he looks like he's been caught murdering someone. a beat or two passes before scar looks at her with the saddest, wettest, most pathetic expression "babe..... help...." grian says nothing for a few minutes before sighing Very loudly and face palming

she's making him sit up on his knees before kneeling behind him and undoing the bra. the minute it's off scar is looking at her like she just solved the world's most complicated math problem LMAO

this is such a funny bit oh my god. I love scar just doing stupid things and grian catching him (ofc he's also caught Her doing stupid things. cringefail grian my beloved)

[yellow-faerie]

@wormsontoast I do indeed have some thoughts about Archivist!Georgie (from the au vaguely outlined here) and since you showed a mild interest in it, I shall now tell you all about it here haha

So there are two things I kinda want to say before I keep going because this au has been changing and shifting in my head a lot and I want to get a bit more of it out into the world.

The first is that each archivist au is based off of as few changes as possible to the canon timeline, aiming (ideally) for only one change that causes ripples throughout the timeline. For example, in the Gertrude-causes-the-apocalypse au, the one change is that Agnes and Gertrude get bound when they are both much younger and the web manipulates things from there, yada yada that's not why we're here BUT you see the vision.

The other thing is that my initial intention was that most people would have a pair, forming some sort of couple or QPR, two people against the world kinda thing - one of them would be the Archivist and one of them would be their apocalypse + 1. This was mostly because (in my head at least) I saw one very eye-aligned character in each couple.

BUT I have recently been doing a re-listen and one thing that stands out to me is that so many of the main characters want to know things, that I think a lot of them could have ended up in the Archivist position in fact. Martin seems to actively encourage reading statements in S3, and Tim definitely has the motivation (when the circus gets involved at least) to be manipulated into the position - more curious though are Daisy and Georgie.

I'll leave a potential archivist!Daisy post for another day (because that's a wild au and a half haha) and talk instead about Georgie, who was meant to be the purpose of this post lol (I'll pop it under a readmore)

So, Georgie - the first thing is how does she become the Archivist? I think the point of divergence for this au would be that Georgie and Jon don't break up during Uni (or just after) and keep their relationship kinda going for a while, and when Jon mentions joining the Magnus Institute, Georgie goes with him.

The real question is why. Georgie in the podcast is fairly avidly against chasing the monsters, so I can see her as taking a job there as a way of keeping Jon safe - I think she sees him as quite naive for his scepticisim and knows that she will not talk him out of it, so she better just be there to stop him from going somewhere he shouldn't.

Jon and Georgie do break-up though, although fairly amicably. They keep living together because it's way cheaper than living alone in London and they are friends. Georgie also starts WTG but it's very much a side project to work (one that she keeps putting off making her full time job, even though she wants to, because the Institute's library is just too good for research).

She's also the one to push him towards the cute librarian with whom Jon has several cringefail attempts to woo before they start tentatively dating.

I reckon that during the course of being in research (with Jon and Tim and Sasha), Georgie gets marked by the web. They'd marked Jon but then Georgie had come, and so they saw an opportunity in her (or wanted a back-up just in case).

Either way, by the time that Gertrude dies, Georgie is the one that Elias chooses as the next Archivist (and I honestly think that Gertrude might have thought that Georgie would be the next Archivist too - Sasha is good but you can't beat actual fearlessness coupled with good sense).

She gets to take with her Jon and Sasha and Tim (Elias is like...let's make sure I have plenty of hostages to work with when the time is right) and that's the Archives team sorted. They're fairly competent, considering the fact that none of them have a library science degree.

Season 1 goes much the same but we meet Martin when he escapes Prentiss. Jon has been going to the library for Georgie, getting out books on archiving and the like and periodically finding references, mostly because he's the one who's closest to the library staff (well, one library staff member in particular).

But Jon mentions that Georgie assigned him the Vittery statement - something about facing his fears - and he hates it, so Martin suggests they go together after work, and he would deal with any remaining spiders for Jon. (Who is Martin, if not down bad for Jon?)

(That is, of course, a rhetorical question lol)

Something something, Martin gets trapped in his apartment for two weeks by the Worm Woman despite not actually being in the Archives. Then he comes straight to the Archives to give a statement, where Jon is working late and waiting for Georgie to finish so they can go home. Jon is the one that suggests Martin stay in the Archives, after he turned down the offer of staying on their sofa.

So Martin lives in document storage and continues working in the library with the rest of his coworkers none-the-wiser, and gets kinda absorbed into the Archives nonsense as Sasha meets Michael etc. etc. And Martin and Jon get really close, from late nights and evenings and weird little dates.

It goes from like...dating to being genuinely quite serious; they have been together for probably like 2 or 3 years by this point but this is a tipping point in their relationship. They keep talking about how they'll move in together after all this is over, so Georgie can finally have her home studio and Martin doesn't have to go back to his flat.

Anyway-

There's also Melanie. She comes in because Georgie was one of the people she contacted in her search for answers and Georgie was like...come and make a statement, maybe we can do something.

Melanie is slightly less derisive of the Magnus Institute (only slightly) mostly because she likes Georgie more lol

Martin is in the library when Prentiss attacks, and is the one that Sasha finds when she runs up from the Archives. Jon and Georgie and Tim are down in the archives, knocking in walls and fighting off worms, and Sasha and Martin go find the CO2 suppression system.

Sasha turns the right corner; Martin doesn't and ends up in Artefact Storage.

Tim finds Gertrude's body. The tide of worms split him off from Georgie and Jon who end up getting wormed in the archives before the fire suppression system gets set off.

They have a few weeks off. Not!Martin and Jon do move in together as had been planned, staying at Georgie's while sorting out a place together. Before everyone returns to the Institute (Martin got the time off too because he was deemed sufficiently traumatised by it all), Jon and Martin move in together, Sasha and Tim have another ill-advised hook-up and Georgie ends up...alone.

Queue the paranoia arc. Georgie might not be able to feel fear but I think that would make a paranoia arc even funnier, because she is convinced that she is seeing things Rationally only for her very much not doing that.

So the thoughts get a bit vague from here. I have some thoughts for each character though!

Martin is obviously taken by the Not!Them in this and so that really fucks Jon up. Jon is Georgie's oldest friend and very much her closest support net, often being the one to feel fear in her place (like she uses him to gauge how she should react to a situation, something that developed because there hasn't really been a time since Georgie returned to Uni where they haven't been in relatively close proximity).

So Jon goes off the deep-end after the revelation of Martin's death and the fact that he wasn't even living with the guy. He takes the responsibility of Martin's mother onto his shoulders, he literally ties up all of Martin's loose ends and then I think he just...stops caring.

It's a mix between Tim's complete S3 despair and Jon's S2 paranoia. He literally cannot trust anyone anymore, no matter how hard he tries, except maybe Georgie because of the whole Archivist thing. And so he goes to the circus with Georgie and Tim and Basira and Daisy.

And he is the one to press the button and die.

I don't usually like taking that away from Tim, because it is a decision so tightly linked to his backstory but I actually put him as ending up in the Coffin in this, shoved in there by a well-meaning Gerogie with her mind being twisted by the Unknowing.

I like the idea of Georgie having a bit of a superiority complex in this AU, where she is sure that she knows better than everyone else because she can't feel fear so she can see things Rationally and Correctly (she wildly underestimates how much other emotions can influence you).

Anyway, back to Tim. He wasn't as depressed during S3 because Georgie's own mini-paranoia arc involved a lot more of digging into statements because she is much more certain that the knowledge of who killed Gertrude is in there, and also Sasha is very much alive and well.

I mean, Jon's rancid vibes are definitely off-putting but like this is at the point where they realise they can't leave and the dread powers exist so the vibes aren't great anyway.

So Tim ends up in the Buried. How does he get out you ask?

Sasha.

I have been waiting for a potential AU in which to put Vast!Sasha and I have decided this is the one. No I don't know how yet but this is my decision - I love the idea of Buried!Tim and Vast!Sasha being something of a couple.

Beyond that for them though, it's mostly vibes.

I think Basira might actually choose to work with Peter Lukas in this one. I wouldn't have Georgie go into a coma post-Unknowing because she's already touched by the End and I don't think she would choose to wake up again, because she simply doesn't have the fear of death that influenced Jon, so she's around for the inter-season shenanigans that occurred.

So Basira doesn't trust her or Elias or Peter, but she decides that as she knows Elias and Georgie, and she's been offered this position by Peter, she'll take it.

(She's trying to ignore the pull of Daisy, hunting out there somewhere, lost after the circus - she never even got the chance to fight against it)

Melanie would be a very interesting one indeed, because part of what attracted her to Georgie in the first place (I think) is that Georgie knows about the entities and can understand her trauma, but is determined to not be a part of it, so they would be so much more messy than in canon.

I honestly couldn't say how her story would thus change. Melanie is a very fascinating character to me and I struggle to sort her out in my head without writing her (and so is Georgie - that's the problem with not writing them as much as some other characters :/) - that said, I do think she doesn't go full eye gouging because she does really love Georgie and doesn't want to leave her in hell alone.

(Hand in unlovable hand and all)

(I also think that Tim and Sasha might decide to do some eye-gouging with friends, as not-quite fully realised avatars of other powers, and try and settle down together somewhere, just in time for the apocalypse)

I'm not sure what all of Georgie's marks would be, or how she'd get them, and if you've got this far I am sure you understand my thoughts are vague and disjointed; but know it will be tragic and upsetting because I refuse to let myself write happy AUs lol

ANYWAY, thank you for showing an interest in this AU :)

[serialadoptersbracket]

Round 4, Match 4: Kim Dokja vs. Roy Mustang

Submitted kids:

Kim Dokja: Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosung are the commonly accepted ones but you can also make a case for Lee Jihye and Biyoo

Roy Mustang: Edward and Alphonse Elric

Propaganda under the cut!

Kim Dokja:

1. “In the first scenario (where you have to murder something alive) his first priority is to make sure Gilyoung makes it out alive (by giving him the grasshopper before letting others know about it), and when the future version of Yoosung (41st round) is going to cause havoc his first plan is to basically the past (his present) version of her so they would have her on her side (he takes her in as his incarnation- if that isn’t an adoption idk what is); Biyoo is literally the soul of 41st Yoosung that he WENT THROUGH AN UNDERWORLD TRIAL to get her back and she is legally his child. Lee Jihye is more like the older sister-teenager of the group be she’s still adopted by association and Han Donghoon is a kid who was hypnotized and exploited by the ‘prophets’ and Kim Dokja saved him and became someone he trusts in- which is basically adopting. Mia is YJH’s little sister but with the family dynamic all of KimCom has she’s basically adopted too. This man is someone who believes the worst in himself but gives all these kids someone they need and in return they are the family he’s never had.”

2. “He saved Lee Gilyoung on the subway when he was orphaned at the time the apocalypse started even when he didn't need to and kept him by his side and fed him at his own expense and believed in him and taught him to be strong when no one else had really done that for Lee Gilyoung before.

MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD (pretty vague):

Shin Yoosung was a character in the world of the apocalypse that occured (long story, won't explain here lol) and she was supposed to be destined to become a monster that would destroy Seoul and the two people other than Kim Dokja who knew this wanted to kill her when they found her to prevent her from becoming that but Kim Dokja refused to kill her and physically stood to protect her and then he later became her sponsor (uhhh it's a whole thing in-universe but basically pledged to back her and help her ig) and the stigma (a special power thing that can be gained through a sponsor) he gave her was based in him protecting everyone in their group and his love for all of them.

Both Shin Yoosung and Lee Gilyoung are extremely attached to Kim Dokja and have on at least one canon occasion slept clinging to either side of him.

LESS MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD (though not terrible ig and still mostly vague at least):

Biyoo is. well she's Shin Yoosung actually but also not. So basically y'know that monster future Shin Yoosung was destined to become? so that monster version of her from a different timeline was sent backwards and sideways in time (idk how else to describe it jskdfs) and nearly did destroy Seoul as prophesied but Kim Dokja tried to save her—and he nearly did but then a shitty dokkaebi (they're like admin streamer people. idk would take a while to explain) did a shitty thing and forced her to be 'evil' and then she had to be killed ;-; but Kim Dokja promised to get revenge for her and after that he went and beat up the asshole dokkaebi who did that so badly that he gained a legendary Story. And then he traveled to the Underworld at risk of his own life to retrieve her soul and put that into a dokkaebi egg that he personally hatched. And she lost her memories for the most part but could still sense a bit what he'd done for her :') and so yeah she became Biyoo and is somehow both adopted and originally parented(?? idk saying biologically is. doesn't feel quite right lol) by him.”

3. “Bro is THE DAD of the group”

4. “Adopted his kids so hard that they’d do like anything for him they love him so much”

Roy Mustang:

1. “This pathetic cringefail loser of a man managed to raise and guide two traumatized children into becoming well-adjusted adults. He also gets bonus points because those kids end up saving the world from disaster.

Also he's hot sometimes”

2. “He has two(2) sons!!!!! Weird little traumatized children!!!! He's also soooo dad shaped(a mass murderer)!!!! He such a loser too!! I love him so much I wanna chew on him <3”

3. “ok i'm not into fma buts its a popular source and my oomfs r into it and i hear a lot about them. like top five things i hear about whenever i hear them talk about fma. hashtag war criminal family swag”

[islandofarson]

I've been playing star wars outlaws all day so here's some of my thoughs

Kay is so pathetic cringefail core I love her so fucking much guys its actually a problem

I mean seriously this woman is absolute shit at everything and somehow shes still alive

I don't understand how she lived past age ten shes so freaking cringefail

she can't lie to save her life

she can't talk normally to women (me neither)

she gets really cocky and then fails miserably

she's like "Nix we're working alone from now on we can't trust any of these bastards"

and then gets back to her ship and there's some stupid-looking guy and his droid

and she's like well shit

she tried to pull out her blaster and it didn't work so she gave up

and then proceeds to sit in the gayest way possible while that dumbass-looking guy Jaylen is lecturing her or whatever

I'm going feral shes actually so

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm guys the woman brainrot

also Waka you stupid little shit (really beating the glup shitto allegations there)

like seriously she might be my new favorite character

stupid fucking queerass shes so useless and I love her so much for it

[banamine-bananime]

so many people have said this so much better but i'm always mad about epsilon-tex's arc and that we're apparently supposed to take it as fact from epsilon that she's fated to always fail when it matters yet to keep trying over and over. like even aside from all the misogyny of choosing to make her Tragic Dead Failwife Who Needs Epsilon to Unilaterally Decide to Free Her from The Torment of Existence, that justification is just... so obviously untrue...

epsilon buddy how many times does tex succeed? how many times does she curbstomp everyone, survive crazy odds, outlive most of project freelancer, keep ct's evidence against the director safe, take down the MOI, storm the castle and get all the way to alpha, find alpha again and enjoy a bittersweet "okay let's rest, let's play in this reality. i'm glad you've found a peaceful place."???

no, you're right. in all those hundreds of insane fights and heists she died one (1) time (alongside alpha dying in the same way), got her robot body blown up once (1) (uhhhh how many bodies you been through church. just a friendly question. just wondering.), got stuck in one (1) capture unit (hey epsilon. how was your first very long nap? how you enjoying storage unit round two?), and got caught in one (1) bomb blast (remember when alpha got his ass blown up so hard he thought he was in like the fuckin paleolithic?). oh and she was too late to save alpha! so right, after uncovering all PFL's secrets, helping cultivate a resistance within the ranks, storming a military craft crawling with supersoldiers, and breaking into the most top-secret lab to find alpha, he was already too exhausted to face a reality of awful memories and life on the run with tex fighting for freedom. so it doesn't count. throw it in the failure bucket!!!!

epsilon. the cringefail call is coming from inside the house, man. it's fucking insane to think that tex not always being able to singlehandedly beat everyone and solve everything and handle anything you can't means she's FAILURE INCARNATE. what the fuck???? sit down buddy i need someone to DBT the shit out of you. this is polarized thinking and negative mental filtering and it is the devil talking my dude. holy shit.

[imlivinginyourtrashcan]

Hi hello and howdy

Since I can't contain my thoughts here's all the "Mirage" logicistics. Basically they either swap or enhance ones personality, heres a few examples:

Mirage Lenore is way more looney and impulsive, with a practically nonexistant off switch having to be dragged off screaming before she sets anything on fire, her group mainly sticks with her for fear of their own lives and she and Annabel are ALLOWED TO BE GAY!!! HOORAY!!! They still have the pretend to hate each other thing but thats mainly due to Annabel's paranoia

Mirage Duke is a shit magician who constantly looses parts of his tricks, he's also like WAYYY too overdramatic, the kinda mf to fall over if you steal his chip,

"MY CHIP!!"

"Its... its just a crisp.."

"I WAS GOING TO EAT THAT!"

"Oh my god..."

So yeah, pathetic cringefail looser LMFAO, but he is the kinda person to pull a "OMG MY BEST FRIEND! MOVE!" And shove whoever out of his way

Mirage Pluto is if you took a wet cat and made him a golden retriever. He's very hyperactive, social, easily distracted. Mf is like "wanna hear abt my hyperfixations?!" Talks and doesn't wait for an answer a neat thing i did with some characters Mirage's is i inverted stuff abt them like hair, emblems, all that. He still thinks M! Duke's magic is cool

Mirage Berenice is a feral little creature, constantly biting or nibbling on things (mainly Eulalies arm, or her own. I dont think chewlery exists in the victorian era). She's also the queen of being unhinged, in spectre form shes somewhat normal at least. For the most part she's in her own world

Mirage Eulalie is the mean autistic, less into creepy/old things n thinks their lame and/or weird. She's the one dragging Berenice around and keeping the gang from falling apart. Her and M! Morella really out here sharing the only group braincell, shes also blunt as fuck and wont hesitate to tell you you look bad. I wanted to lean more into the japanese part of her character so she just kinda- speaks more of it now (lol idk how else to explain it)

Mirage Morella, like M! Eulalie, is a mean autistic. She's less emotional, and more of "I dont give a damn just get me out of here.", sticks with whatever group she's feelin that day tbh. Won't tell you you look bad, will probably just call you a dumbass and leave

Mirage Annabel is kinda like regular Annabel but without the "Life is like chess" mentality. So more jumpy, kinda a walking talking mental breakdown waiting to happen. Excess paranoia and increase of hallucinations cus pookie and I decided we aren't giving her a break

Mirage Prospero is no longer fancy and polite, he is sopping wet germaphobic wet cat. He will go through great lengths to avoid disease, faints around blood and puke, screams at the sight of his own rats (or just rats/bugs in general), actively raising his and Annabel's blood pressure with how scardy he is.

Mirage Montresor is imo the funniest one cuz he's just a polite little gentleman, doin all the chivalry shit like opening doors, pushing chairs in and out, saying his pleases/thank yous/welcomes, he's even calling everyone "Sir" and "Ma'am". He's still an asshole, but you really gotta provoke him to see that

Tbh, I didn't think much abt Mirage Will since Will to me is kinda just there as Monty's lackey who gets kicked around. SO he's less of a pushover, more demanding, up and refuses what people tell him, bullies M! Monty, he tried bullying M! Ada and M! Morella but bro got his ass kicked. On top of it, he's unfortunately more sexist and stubborn. No more people pleasing ig 🤷‍♀️

Finally, Mirage Ada. What I wanted to do for her is have her be an absolute girlboss who is always serving 100% of the time. Everything she does is her choice and for her and her friends, and and and shes Aroace too, pretty chill when she has to reject someone just like:

"Hey i like u"

"Oh! I don't feel the same but we can still be friends?"

"Ok"

EPIC HIGH FIVE

She also beat M! Will up, good for her

So uh, yeah! Thats all i got. If you have questions, feel free to comment or ask in the askbox. :)

[scuderlia]

GIRLESTAPPEN 💕💕🩷💖💖 ok. who makes the first move? are they the only girls and gays on the grid or are there more... what do they wear in the paddock? if there is girl charles is there girl chiss [gets dragged off stage]

girlestappen eventually cringefail their way into a relationship by doing what they do best: being weird about each other and ignoring the obvious tension between them until they can't anymore! i think in a traditional f1 au max is out and idgaf about her sexuality and charles is, on the cusp of realizing that she's a lesbian and DOESN'T actually fuck with men like that. she just hasn't put two-and-two together quite yet.

but basically, charles rocks up to the paddock in 2018 and is hit with the girl she grew up karting against being a terror on the track to all these men, beating them in many cases, and also looking... hot? (little dotted circle swirling in charles' brain) and she doesn't really know how to cope so she goes with what she knows: repressing the feelings and being incredibly normal (not normal) about it. for a long time.

random hcs under the cut:

when they finally get together, lando is their strange little guy friend who follows them around and is like ALLY but also half his jpg account is just. inexplicably. photos of them like, kissing at the club. everyone thinks it's weird but no one mentions it.

if max somehow wasn't out before getting to f1 she probably came out in a [waves hand] unintentionally dramatic way. like she made a gay joke, got cancelled on the internet for it, and then her statement was: I Am Actually Gay.

charles has her world turned upside down and inside out when she properly finds out max likes girls for the first time. it weighs on her so heavily she spirals and sleeps with [waves hand again] pierre or carlos or someone and it's terrible and max is completely oblivious to the fact that charles is #goingthroughit.

girlestappen are still butch4femme. they always will be to ME.

all those bizarre interviews with like, lewis and seb saying strange things about grid girls and girlfriends to max and charles in 2018/2019 still happen, but there's an added layer of what the fuck did he just say? the youtube comments are either: wow, they're so woke for asking max about liking girls on a public broadcast OR i can't believe seb actually said that about grid girls with charles sitting right there. does he hate women?

everyone should send a prayer out into the world for carlos sainz, who has had [checks notes] both of his girl teammates come out as lesbians. this begs the question: is it him? is he that bad? the italian press run articles on it weekly.

wherever charles goes, chiss will follow. obviously.

[dell-amor-te]

“The Hare, the Crow, & the Unhappy Marriage”

Word Count: 5,906.

Warning(s): Spoilers for what’s been revealed in pre-released content, canon-typical combat depictions, no beta but I try my best.

Pairing: F!Rook x Lucanis Dellamorte. 

Summary: Lucanis takes on a major contract and makes an acquaintance he’ll never forget. (Also known as “the Lucanis and Nöa pre-canon cringefail meetcute that won that poll forever ago that I finally finished.”)

🐦‍⬛ Read on ao3.

9:51, Dragon.

Minrathous, the Thalsian Estate.

“It was a lovely service, Magister Thalsian. A perfect coda for the loss of a titan of our empire. Worthy of a man of your father’s standing.”

She stood still and poised like a marble statue in the moonlight gardens, waiting for any sign of life from the younger man standing before her. His black-clad back remained affixed in her direction while he stared up at an actual, imposingly tall marble statue that was carved in his father’s image.

Larger than life, much like the now deliciously departed Festus Thalsian, Sr.

His living junior always seemed small next to his father, but the statue’s towering height made the discrepancy almost comical.

Once she was certain he would not answer to her first statement, she cleared her throat, making another: “I imagine, as the newly appointed representative of one of the Imperium’s oldest and most respected families, you must be feeling quite proud somewhere underneath your grief.”

A beat, a reconsidered addendum to follow, but not a misstep.

“Somewhere amidst all that grief, of course.”

Nothing still.

Now she was growing impatient.

Again, then.

“I—”

“What do you want, Magister Renata?”

“So formal, my lord.”

Zara smiled easily, taking the break in his silence as her invitation to come stand at his side in the looming presence of his father’s cold and impassive homage. He gave her a not-so-veiled look of derision before his face turned down once more, his tired eyes further fatigued by dark circles under them.

She took a chance to take a proper look at the statue. While the flesh and bone Festus was already ashes stuffed into a gauche urn and shoved on a mantle somewhere in the grand Thalsian estate, this monument would remain in the family’s private and labyrinthine gardens; his perpetual company would be the other members of the family tree who had been so honored.

Forever able to give his son those same withering glances he always had.

“He looks as proud as your father always did of you.” Zara lied smoothly.

“Again: what do you want, Zara?”

“Tut, tut, Festus. Is it so wrong to want to offer you my condolences in person?”

“It is when the funerary services were a private family affair.” His reply was as stiff yet spineless as his current stance.

“I almost married your uncle.”

“But you didn’t. How did you manage to secure an invitation?”

“Oh, I still see him every so often.”

Festus sighed haggardly.

“Really, I’m hurt, Festus.”

“And I’m still left wondering why you’re here. You must want something. You always do.”

Zara chuckled. “See, you do know me.” She said, though it brought Festus no pleasure to be so praised.

To wit, then.

“Your father’s death creates a power vacuum in the Magisterium that having a son and heir to take his seat will only quell for so long. Your father cast quite a large shadow.”

“And we all know I don’t have what’s needed to fill it.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” She chided with practiced gentleness.

Not here, anyway.

Zara clapped her hands together. “You are more than capable of rising to his heights, Festus. He and my father began their time in the Magisterium together, if you’ll recall. Neither one of them was anything more than we two are now when they began.”

Festus studied her with wariness, like she was an asp—a shining smile hiding fangs ready to strike. While she may have been missing the fangs, she certainly managed to hold the same venom and sharp tongue.

“True enough. But my father had exploits no other mage in our family could hope to replicate. So grand that they made up for his few shortcomings.”

Such as the fact that neither of the sons he produced were born Dreamers.

Zara closed the gap between them, heels clicking authoritatively against the cobblestone. “Then why not show our peers why you’re the heir to the Thalsian name?” She challenged.

“We all know why. It’s certainly not because of my own merit.” Festus snorted, looking to the memorial statue again for a moment.

“And why can’t it be?” Zara asked sharply, shoving one perfectly painted nail into his chest, right into his very heart. “Because you’re going to show them that you’re capable of righting even your unimpeachable father’s wrongs. What could be a finer tribute to his legacy?”

Festus’ brow twitched.

“I’ve had the pleasure of reading some of his notes on Dreamers and the ancient elves, you know.” Zara informed him. “He was onto something with those experiments of his. I know you know that—he mentioned you in his writings.”

“Yes, but if you’ve truly read them—and I won’t even question how—then you know he abandoned them.”

“Yes, because he lost his two prized lab rats. Or should I say lab rabbits?”

“You could say that. But it would be incredibly on the nose of you.” Festus’ own nose crinkled in distaste. “They weren’t just prized. You must have seen the records and ledgers, too. He almost bankrupted our family on purchasing hundreds of different brutes over the years. They were the only two who weren’t only viable, but exceptional.”

“Indeed. His golden goose and lucky rabbit. What’s the elven for that again?”

The younger mage’s spine stiffened with a sharp intake of breath.

“This is a moot point.” He said quickly. “The mother was killed by my father.”

“But the little rabbit escaped. Obviously.” Zara scoffed.

He scoffed right back.

“Come now, Festus, surely you don’t take me for a fool.” She crossed her arms, resolute. “Elves might not be rare in this city, much as we all like to pretend, but elves who bear those savage markings are rare indeed. And I doubt it’s a coincidence that this one goes by a moniker that happens to match the name your father gave her when he came into possession of her.”

Festus set his brow. He wouldn’t indulge her.

“Glower all you like, but I know you must be aware of her exploits.”

“Oh, and what makes you so confident?”

“Because the Magisterium won’t acknowledge what’s happened. A rogue rattus ran about, a runaway, stealing others property and setting it free? And no one can seem to catch her? And then she vanishes into thin air? You know as well as I how our colleagues love their gossip, and they won’t even dare to speak of her. They’re embarrassed.” She nodded. “Just as you keep quiet. Because you habor some sentiment for your lost pet.”

Festus’ cheeks burned red, catching as quickly as a wildfire from a firebolt gone awry.

“You’re hardly the first man in this city to get a little too attached to one of the family pets.”

“That’s quite the accusation to make without any sort of proof.”

“Is that right? Tell me, isn’t that locket you refuse to let leave your neck made of ironbark? Or am I mistaken?”

She, of course, was never mistaken.

Festus said nothing, confirming her suspicions without so much as uttering a single syllable.

“It has her portrait inside of it, no doubt.” Zara spoke in a disinterested tone, picking at one of her nails with another nail before strolling away from the statue.

She kept walking until she reached the balcony overlooking the rest of the gardens below, draping her back against the cool stone of the baluster, the cape attached to her gown lying tastefully of the smooth barrier. She smiled knowingly when she turned to find Festus close at heel, absently fiddling with the locket in question.

“You’re proposing I get her back and continue with my father’s plans.”

It wasn’t a question.

“This world needs Dreamers. More importantly, the Imperium needs Dreamers.” Zara mused, smiling as if he had missed his own joke. “And it should be the Imperium who brings them to life.” She heaved a dispassionate sigh. “It’s a pity that such pristine breeding must be tainted so by lesser, wild blood, but we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good of Tevinter.”

Festus met her at the balcony at last, his arm supporting him as he leaned in and considered her words. He never had managed to learn how to read her. She remained as lost to him as an esoteric tome from eras bygone and best left forgotten. And yet he couldn’t stop trying to understand.

If not an understanding, then at least to twist to his advantage.

“She may be persona non grata throughout the Imperium, but people will catch on if I or my men go hunting her bounty, no matter how we try to spin it. And then there will be no Dreamers. Do you intend to offer my men aid?”

“For the right price, of course, darling. And believe me, once payment is confirmed, I’ll happily use every tool in my arsenal to help you. In fact, I’ll have a new shiny toy soon enough, if all goes to plan. And once the blade’s been honed, I’m certain there won’t be anything standing between you and your little rabbit’s sweet reunion.”

“I’m sure that price tag must be hefty. I did mention my father’s spending habits nearly bankrupted our family, didn’t I?”

“Oh, but who can appraise the priceless gift of acclaim that will accompany being the man to reestablish the Dreamers in the bloodline of the First Dreamer himself?”

“You, I’m assuming. Or you think you can, anyway.”

“It’s a trifle, truly, in comparison to having your precious little—”

“Zara.”

She heaved a sigh. “My father has designs to marry me to some cadet branch from a particular family—one who has recently joined with those traitors, the Lucerni.” At Festus’ pointed look, she waved a dismissive hand. “He’s desperate, and he’ll see the contract through even to them for the sake of creating alliances. Unless someone can make a better offer, of course…”

“And you’re short of suitors.” Festus assumed.

“Not if a certain newly-minted magister puts in his bid. I hear he’ll be plagued with marriage offers come daybreak. And won’t all those pesky marriage interviews keep him from his true passion—his studies?”

It was a grim prospect, one the more introverted Festus didn’t relish.

Zara moved in closer, her breath warm against his cheeks as she whispered in his ear. “Besides, this potential Dreamer will need a more…tamed mother, won’t they? One who won’t ask questions or betray the existence of her sweet husband’s…” Her head bobbled as she considered the best phrasing. “Well…less-than-appropriate mistress?”

Festus hid his repulsion for the woman hanging on his arm under a thinly-veiled feint of consideration. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t thought of her everyday since her unfair escape from his family’s estate. Dark-bright eyes oft haunted his dreams. They haunted his waking hours, too. It was a lie he kept close to his chest.

What he wouldn’t give just for the chance of seeing her again…

“It’s traditional for my family to marry at the end of the year, during the holiday festivals.” He informed her. “Now, would you like to share this plan of yours with your fiancé?”

Zara smiled knowingly.

…

The memory played again and again in his mind.

I’ll never forgive you.

I understand.

Lucanis Dellamorte sighed.

The toes of his boots hung off the edge of the rooftop by mere centimeters.

Below him, the city of Minrathous danced at its full tilt. Lights of magical-illumination. Bursting pubs. Beggars in the gutter. Unaware of his presence, and yet Lucanis knew better than to let his guard drop. He certainly couldn't while he was here, not while he was in unfamiliar territory.

Vyrantium was one thing. Minrathous was another beast entirely.

But his target was here, and so he had come.

His target.

Zara Renata. Newlywed of Magister Festus Thalsian, the junior of a recently deceased father. A brave match that could see the Empire forward for generations with the heights they could reach together.

Unless Lucanis got to work, that is.

Little was known about the Thalsian family almost in spite of how well-known they were. What was known beyond their names and prestige was limited to what its members allowed outsiders to know. They were prideful, ever seeking more power and power beyond. This fact was likely not helped by their connection to the first recorded priest of Dumat. The lack of any other concrete information about the family as a whole—not to mention individual members—was frustrating for Lucanis.

He hadn’t been able to fill even a full page with what paltry intel he had been able to gather before journeying to Minrathous. In a perfect world, he would have had another week to do some more footwork, perhaps even a day or two to observe the Thalsian estate before he ever crossed the threshold.

But the world was not perfect, and Lucanis had not been consulted on setting a date for this particular wedding.

While the Thalsian family remained obfuscated, the Renata family was much more prone to chase the spotlight. They were a moderately affluent house, but this union would no doubt do wonders to elevate their standing in the Imperium.

The last time he had crashed a wedding, it had ended with the father-of-the-bride dead before Lucanis was mysteriously spirited away from the festivities.

Even as unfamiliar as Minrathous was to him, Lucanis was able to follow the interconnecting alleyways easily enough. A fancy manor in this city was much like a tree in a forest or sand on the beach, even with the special occasion being held at this household. Lucanis was able to find the Thalsian estate with little trouble, and without detection.

The serpentine crest wrought into the black-iron gate of the estate confirmed the proud owners of the home. Sneaking inside undetected amidst the sea of well-wishers and wedding guests was one of the easier maneuvers Lucanis had executed in his time as a Crow.

And so he found himself in much a similar position as the one he was in out on the streets, tucked up and out of the way on a makeshift perch. Rather than a seedy and rain-slicked rooftop, he found security behind a granite-carved serpent, an eave mounted high about the festivities below, stuck in an indefatigable vigil over the decorated and gilded ballroom.

He was charming in a disarming sort of way, Lucanis could see that much from his current vantage point.

The magister’s smile was ostentatious. It wanted your attention—no, demanded it. It was bright, flashy, like vibrant scales that warned potential prey of poison lurking in the body of a predator, just waiting for the one foolish enough to fall to its charms.

It certainly didn’t help that his looks would appeal to anyone.

“You’re sure it’s secured?” He asked with minimal movement of his lips—Lucanis just barely made out what he was saying to his new bride.

Zara Renata offered a much more practiced, poisonous smile as she made to meet her groom. “Of course, darling. She’s downstairs with the rest of the wedding presents.” She said, lip movements less covert than Festus’.

Festus stiffened then, but nodded with a certain eagerness that Lucanis found raising his hackles. The shine that overtook the magister’s eyes did nothing to set Lucanis at ease. There was a hunger—an affection, if it could truly be called that—that had been missing from every moment spent with his bride, even while he bound himself to her.

The bride herself, however, did not share Lucanis’ offense.

“I must admit, she’s prettier than I expected. I can almost see the appeal. Almost.” Zara told her newly-wedded husband, hooking her arm in his. “She shouted something at me in that blasted tongue of theirs. So uncouth.”

Surely they didn’t mean…

Lucanis cursed the magisters under his breath. Both of them—for good measure.

Though his mind immediately set to lecturing him, reminding him that he had a job to do and his window to do it and get out was closing with each step the couple took toward their marriage bed, his heart and legs rallied all the stronger. He left his serpentine perch with a soundless leap, heading into the first corridor he saw with a descending set of stairs, mindful of each step.

His gut lurched with each repetition in his ears of those words as they played over and over again in his mind.

Wedding presents. Wedding presents. Weddings presents.

He heard Illario’s words in his ears, too, ringing like a warning bell, tolling and warning him away from a course he was already on.

We’re not heroes, cousin.

Lucanis kept close to the ancient stone walls. For all the variations in façades, Tevinter homes above a certain degree of nobility and prestige all had similar layouts. Wine cellars often masked more nefarious rooms—holding cells. Often barely distinguishable from the house servants’ sleeping quarters, though they sported chains and shackles the quarters did not.

The sounds of the wedding party slipped away from him as he neared the false wall of casks, and a hushed conversation filled his ear instead. He knelt down behind the end of a row of casks that acted as the mouth to a slip of hallway leading to the unlit cells beyond.

His brow twitched as he listened in.

“Oh, hush, Strife! I’ll have us out of here in no time.”

“Didn’t you say those things were untested? What if you tip off the whole damn household?” A man’s deep cadence questioned.

Whoever he was, Lucanis could hear the years in his voice. The certainty was unusual, raising Lucanis’ eyebrow. Most caught up in the slave system of Tevinter didn’t sound so confident, especially if they had years under their belt.

“Please. I can hear the band playing from here, which means they might as well be deaf up there. Besides, the mister and missus should be making their way to the marriage bed by now. Now stand back, will you? Just in case.”

The second voice was distinctly feminine, sporting an accent that sounded slightly Nevarran to color her words. It was clear she was well-acquainted with the man she spoke with, given the familiarity in her tone.

In the low light of the pocket hall, Lucanis couldn’t quite make out what was happening, and he certainly didn’t come to terms with it until after it had happened. A bright flash of light—completely soundless—exploded into the air. Unprepared, Lucanis flinched away, pressing his forefinger and thumb into his eyes to alleviate the discomfort.

It took everything in him not to curse aloud.

Beyond the wall, the conversation continued.

“Ye of little faith.” The woman declared smugly. “I tell ya, people in this town are too obsessed with figuring out how to use magic to stop time, or turn it back, or how to manipulate people using their own blood. A little bit of creativity, and they’d actually be a threat.”

“It’s not little faith in you, brains. It’s little interest in having your old man turn me into a walking dead man if he finds out I let a Thalsian get hands on you. Again.”

“Good thing I’m going to kill Thalsian, then. Two Thalsian’s, now.” A pause. “You know that’s not what my father does, right?”

“Don’t try to explain it to me again, please. It’s weird.”

“Only in places that aren’t Nevarra.”

“Yeah, which is everywhere else in Thedas. Come on, let’s liberate our fellow man and get outta here.”

“After y—”

The pair went quiet.

While Lucanis blinked away the after effects of the shocking surprise, his vision still a colorful daze as though he had looked directly into the sun, a pair of thighs wrapped around his neck. The Crow cursed that time, shifting his focus on getting this unseen person off of him.

His hand instinctively went for one of the knees, hoping to disbalance and then sling his assailant off of him. Instead of loosening grip, their knees closed in, ankles locking for extra security.

He couldn’t catch his breath. If they had half a mind, no doubt they could twist their lower half and take his neck right along with them. At such an angle it would be unlikely to kill him, but he still didn’t relish the thought of a neck ache or the accompanying headache.

He just had to catch them by surprise.

And so Lucanis struggled to his feet, balancing precariously with the added weight on his shoulders.

And then he let himself fall backwards.

His piggybacker made a tactical decision to protect themself from injury—rather than keeping a hold on him and risk hurting their own back, their legs released his neck, allowing the attacker time needed to roll out into a safer position just before they both hit the marble floor.

“Bloody shem!” The woman’s voice was warm against his neck.

The woman from the cell, he saw now.

Before either of them could make another move, laughter echoed off the stony walls.

“Take it easy on the poor guy, Nöa.” A tall, muscled elven man, the owner of the male voice Lucanis had heard, chuckled amicably, standing over them in their entangled heap. “I don’t think he’s interested in hurting either of us.”

Lucanis said nothing, only offering an easy smirk in reply once his coughing subsided and allowed him to. He rubbed at his neck absently.

“Oh, forgive the mistake—I saw a figure in black and my brain assumed Thalsian guard.” The woman, Nöa, chuckled easily, offering him a hand up as soon as she was back on her feet.

Lucanis considered the outstretched gloved hand for a moment, before accepting.

“Sorry for trying to choke you, by the way.” She added quickly. “I usually buy people dinner before I start wrapping my thighs around their neck.”

“No, no. I don’t mind…”

Strife snorted, and despite the smug look on her face, the woman blushed. When he realized what he had said, Lucanis cleared his throat.

“Are you alright?” He asked instead.

“Hm? Oh. Fancy meeting a friendly here. You’re not to Festus’ tastes, so you must be a gift for the new madame of the house.”

“What? No. I came to help you.” He shook his head. “No.”

Actually, he had come to kill the new madame of the house and her new husband. But here he was. He could almost hear Illario berating him. It was a harmless enough lie, since he knew she was also keen on seeing the sun set on the world with two less magisters in it.

The woman put her hands on her hips, head cocking to the side as she studied him, rounding him like a surveyor. “Hm. You’re obviously not with the Shadow Dragons.”

Her left eye glinted with a mischievous light, its prosthetic partner seeming to reflect the same sentiment despite its inorganic nature.

“Neither are you. Obviously.” He said pointedly, standing straight up as she circled him.

“Oh, and that accent.” She all but crooned, leaning in closer when she rounded back to face him. “Antivan, right?” Conspiratorially, she posited: “I’d wager you’re a Crow, then, given your ensemble? I’ve always wanted to meet a Crow.”

Lucanis’ brow betrayed him by bunching up, belying his bemusement.

What in the Maker’s name is wrong with her?

Before he could do more than open his mouth, she raised a hand to keep him quiet.

His lips pursed.

A pair of Thalsian’s estate guards passed by, but now before the shorter woman had pulled into an alcove, her taller companion already back behind the wall. Lucanis would have protested, but his focus was squarely on the two guards.

The woman’s hand held him in place, pressed into his chest, before her eyes darted to him, then to the guards.

They were drunk, by the way they laughed and hung on one another—unaware. No doubt they had imbibed on their lord’s wedding wine. They didn’t even notice that the elves tucked within the cages held onto doors that were half-open and slowly, carefully closing.

“And then what did he say?”

“Well, he goes—”

Before the guard could finish their tale, Lucanis and the woman moved as one. They both closed the gap carefully. Just before they reached the pair, the woman muttered something—a spell—under her breath.

The pair quieted, then stilled. Lucanis prepared to end the guard on the left with a clean twist of his neck, but the woman stopped him. It was curiosity, not mercy, that stayed him. He watched as she put a rag to the man’s nose.

His eyes rolled back in his head, and then he crumpled to the floor.

She gestured for Lucanis to let go of his quarry, and she repeated the action with the rag.

“Yeah, just like that. Big, old breaths. Really take in those heady notes of felandaris.”

“It’s a paralytic, but I added in a little extra surprise.” Nöa told him. “They won’t remember a thing.” She folded the rag back into her breast pocket. “Totally harmless to the touch, but works a wonder once it’s inhaled.” She explained. “I don’t mind killing where it needs done. These guys are barely more than slaves to the powers that be, though. Might even be indentured.”

Lucanis hummed curtly. She was much more…exuberant…but the way she spoke of the chemical reminded him of Viago. While he could picture her with a similar deadpan, he couldn’t conjure up a Viago so lively, even in his imagination.

“Well, now that that’s settled, you can shake a leg” Nöa nodded her head toward her companion, the man she called Strife.

She stared at him expectantly.

“Me?” Lucanis had to keep his composure. “I don’t know Minrathous well enough to get them out of the city. You clearly do.” Lucanis said. He gestured toward the man with a sweeping arm.

“No can do. I have business here with Thalsian.”

“And I have business with Renata.”

“Alright, you two, that’s enough. This is getting a little too hot for my tastes.” Strife stepped in between them, separating them with his body.

“I assure you, you’re in no danger from me.” He looked from the elf to the shorter, somewhat elven woman. “The only one I’m here to kill a magister.”

“Well, so am I.” She insisted.

“Crows don’t abandon contracts.”

“He’s mine.”

There was so much conviction in her words that Lucanis found himself frozen.

“I’ll get them out of here.” Strife decided at last. “Nöa, do what you have to do—but if it comes to it, let ‘em take the Crow.” He smirked at Lucanis before turning back to his companion, staring her down seriously as his hand found her shoulder. “You get yourself out of here, that way I don’t have an angry necromancer using me for anatomy lessons because I let his daughter get herself nabbed.”

“Your skeletal structure would be very good for articulation lectures.” Nöa mused.

“See, that’s the kind of strange stuff you’ve gotta stop saying.” Despite his words, the man chuckled fondly. “I better be seeing you back at base.

“Jumper’s honor.” She signaled him off with a small wave before turning to Lucanis. “Shall we go ruin a marriage?”

Lucanis followed her, even if he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly he was following her into. He studied her as they slunk back up the stairs. There wasn’t a hint of tension in her shoulders. If it wasn’t for the surreptitious nature of their movements, he would have thought she belonged here.

“How do you know where to go?”

“Who says I do?” She teased.

“Your body.” He said.

“Ser, that implies you’re paying attention.” She hummed, pleased. “Like what you see?”

Lucanis didn’t answer, which made her laugh—quietly, mindful of their situation.

“Let’s just say I’ve spent more time in this house than I want to think about. Thalsian and his bride will be in his chamber. Which will be in the west halls. It’s a whole private suite—belonged to his father before he croaked.”

Lucanis said nothing, pausing when she reached back a hand, holding him in place. She barely reached her head around the end of the corridor leading back to the main ballroom. Then she swore under her breath.

“Venatori.” Nöa told him, turning around to face him with a thoughtful hum.

Her hand didn’t leave his chest.

“Wouldn’t that just ruin the good Magister Thalsian’s name if it got out.” Lucanis noted, raising an eyebrow at her.

She met his gaze. A wolfish, understanding smile struck her features.

“After you, my lady.”

Nöa hummed, pleased, before reaching down and pulling a simple dagger from her belt. It looked like little more than a letter-opener, but she held it with certainty.

“So, were you all invited, or are you the hired help for the night?”

“That mark on her face! It’s the Hare!” One of the agents cried.

“Well, fools! Do your duty. Just don’t kill her—Festus wants her alive.” He sneered, lips twitching. “No doubt he’d prefer her face untouched, too. Her pretty little friend is fair game, however.”

Lucanis glowered, readying his own choice weaponry. “I’ll go left.” He told Nöa, practically growling.

Nöa said nothing, setting to work on the right side of the small troop.

They worked quickly, methodically.

Whoever these Venatori agents were, the spellcasting couldn’t match either of their opponents for speed. Nöa had uttered spells and conjured fire before they could get out more than a syllable. Who she didn’t burn, she stabbed.

Lucanis, meanwhile, showed his foes what a Crow could do. They may as well have been a training exercise compared to contracts he had taken. Forfex came to mind at once, along with a slew of names he couldn’t remember.

“And then there was one.” Nöa said, panting slightly as she leveled her gaze at the magister before them.

“Magister Iranicanus.” The portly man bowed dramatically, unfazed by the efficiency with which his men had been dispatched.

Lucanis wondered if it was pride or sheer arrogance. With magisters, sometimes there was hardly a difference.

“Never heard of you.” Nöa said dryly, stalking toward him.

“How dare—”

With a muttered but committed spell, Nöa had the man frozen, though Lucanis couldn’t see any signs of frost or fractals on the man. She swaggered toward the magister, unfazed, surveying him with a critical glint in her eyes.

Then, she used that particular dagger from her belt to create a simple but deadly cut along the path of his carotid artery. It was precise. Almost surgical. There was no pleasure in it, only a sense of necessity.

Justice.

Within seconds, whatever magic she had used on the man disappeared, and he fell to his knees, then to the floor. Dead at her feet, bleeding freely even after life had left him. That blood trickled down the steps of the altar that had been used to bind two magisters earlier that evening. Now it acted as the resting place of another.

“Well, this was fun.” Nöa decided at last, smiling once again.

Lucanis blinked in surprise, stunned by the sudden feeling of her lips against his cheek for the briefest of moments. He stared at her, eyes wide and lips pursed.

She laughed, no doubt inspired by the look of shock on his face. “What? This poor altar deserved to see at least one proper kiss today. And I’d say you’ve more than earned it.”

“You call that fun?” He asked, still stupefied.

“Well…” She drawled out harmlessly. “At least a magister died today. Right?”

Lucanis sighed. “Now, what do we do about Renata and Thalsian? The whole household will be on alert now.”

“I—”

“Well, don’t just stand there! After her!”

“Like I said.” Lucanis said with absolutely no satisfaction in his voice.

He heard the woman speak in a language unfamiliar but not unknown to his ears: elven. If her tone was any proper indicator, she had cursed.

“Thalsian.”

She reached for a dagger tucked against her waist.

Lucanis grabbed her wrist, shaking his head firmly.

She waved her hand at the door, eyes wide and incredulous.

This was the whole point.

“It’s too public.” Lucanis hissed.

She huffed, frustrated.

“Come on, we need to go.”

“I thought Crows didn’t abandon contracts.”

“We don’t. But we retreat when we know it’s necessary. You can try again if you get out. Not so much if you get killed.”

They were both running out of time.

“Fine.” She grabbed his hand. “Come on, there’s a window with a trellis just up the grand staircase. He never locks it. We can get out through there.”

Lucanis didn’t argue—not with her plan and not with her authority over his hand.

They bounded up the stairs quickly. Nöa climbed into the deep sill of one of the overarching windows, unlatching it and pushing its heft frame open before giving Lucanis a hand up. He joined her, but not before the doors below opened with a resounding crash, tailed by the march of Thalsian guards.

“Hey, Crow. What are you doing?”

He looked over his shoulder, then back at her.

They would follow too easily if he didn’t buy her time.

“Hey, hey!”

He shut the window, ramming one of his daggers into the lock so she couldn’t pry it open. And slammed a fist against the outside of the window, horrified.

He offered her a small smile, and then he dropped out of the sill.

It didn’t take long for those rushing footsteps to reach him.

At least Illario hadn’t come with him, after all.

“Well, well, well…”

It wasn’t Thalsian who had come, after all.

“If it isn’t the Demon himself. This isn’t Vyranitum, you know.”

Lucanis froze, keeping his back to the witch he knew stood behind him.

First the attack on the ship, now this.

The magister ran her fingertip along his chin. “Hello, Master Dellamorte. I’ve been oh so eager to meet you. Seems like someone else gave you a warm greeting, too.”

Her fingertip traced upward to his cheek, removing lipstick red as blood. He knew the cut on his cheek was bleeding, but it took a moment for him to realize the witch now had access to his blood.

Access to him.

“Or was it a bitter farewell, hm?” Zara chuckled, the sound malicious and melodic. “You let the little beast escape. My husband will be disappointed, but, well…that’s not my problem.” She clicked her tongue. “But what to do with you, darling?”

He couldn’t move. Not his hands. Not his legs. He couldn’t lash out. The only thing left untouched by the tendrils of her blood magic was his eyes. She wanted to see his fear. But he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

“I do hope that little act of chivalry tasted sweet while it lasted, Master Dellamorte. And I do hope she was worth it. Though, I suppose one good turn deserves another. I won’t tell my husband she was here. Fair enough?”

Lucanis closed his eyes.

He thought of Illario, and of a summer spent chasing after pretended-wyverns in the mud.

And then he thought of nothing at all.

[certifiedlesbianvampire]

(some) of my thoughts, rambles, and theories- bucchigiri?! ep 6

oh boy... that was a lot. an end to the gang war arc, and soon, the start to a new one. i want to start off by saying the animation was awesome this episode. all the action, emotional moments and small bits of comedy hit where they needed to.

i think it's interesting that it's not just that mahoro absolutely ROASTED akutaro, she also inspired arajin to kick his ass. NOT JUST because he has a crush on her, but because she refused to run, which is what arajin has been doing- it's a wake-up call for him to get some of his shit together.

it's also made blatantly clear that arajin does care about matakara.(the first person he sees when he gains consciousness is him getting fucking beat) hopefully next ep we get to see how their relationship develops from here. obviously they're not quite there yet, and i still think they're going to have a fight at some point- the next conflict focusing on matakara, and arajin showing us how much he's grown.

also, now that akutaro has been defeated, i wonder how ichiya will merge with matakara? how will matakara's conflict, brother, and ichiya and senya's past together play into this? will it be at the expense of matakara himself?

i also don't think this is the end of arajin's development, it's just the start. he'll always be a cringefail loser, but i think what ppl need to realize is that's okay. (his battle cry is still that he wants to lose his virginity, but that's not all there is to him! he beats up akutaro regardless.) he can be a loser and have development. he's not just one or the other, just like the rest of the characters in the show. they can be silly, beat people to a pulp AND have their own emotional moments. the show so far allows all of it, i think that's what makes it so great.

i can't wait to see where the show goes next!!

[web-novel-polls]

Modern Web Novel Character Submissions

[Last Checked: December 30th, 2024 - Please check the original post for updated information]

Rules

Must be from a web novel set in modern times (futuristic settings may also be accepted)

One character per submission

Submit as many responses as you want

Tag: #modern wn character tournament

Submissions

No Propaganda

Bai Sheng from Hui Tian

Fei Du from Silent Reading: Mo Du

He Yu from Case File Compendium: Bing An Ben

Jiang Ting from Breaking Through the Crowds

Luo Wenzhou from Silent Reading: Mo Du

Qin Jiu from Global Examination

Shen Wei from Guardian: Zhen Hun

Shen Zhuo from Hui Tian

Xie Qingcheng from Case File Compendium: Bing An Ben

Yan Xie from Breaking Through the Crowds

You Huo from Global Examination

Zhao Yunlan from Guardian: Zhen Hun

Lee Jihye from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint

Submission: She's awesome and I love her 

Wiki Link 

You Zhengping from Mr. Melancholy Wants to Live a Peaceful Life

Submission: fell in love with husband at first sight and is so cringefail about it. most of his brain is taken up with loving his husband juice. is the most powerful guy in his world, but is married to the most powerful guy in the universe, and he wants to take care of his husband so bad it makes him look stupid 

Yu Hua from Mr. Melancholy Wants to Live a Peaceful Life

Submission: most overpowered guy in the world decides he'd rather be just a guy and live a normal life with his husband. everyone is like: wow this infamous powerful guy must want to like control the whole universe and is secretly planning world domination which is why he's flown under the radar and kept his identity secret. meanwhile yu hua is just like: I want to have an office job with no overtime so I can cook dinner for my husband :) 

Dealer’s Choice 

(I would owe you my life if you submitted propaganda for these characters)

Cha Eugene / Cha Yu-jin from Debut or Die

[No propaganda prepared yet]

Cheongryeo of VTIC from Debut or Die

"Emotions, tears. I have sold everything. / When people stand, they want to sit, and when they sit down, they want to lie down. Personal circumstances, inevitable stories… It was just an excuse to speak and sell it at a low price."  - Cheongryeo, Debut or Die, Chapter 92 [VTIC Cheongryeo sunbae-nim: Call me if you feel like dying ^^]  - Cheongryeo to Park Moondae, Debut or Die, Chapter 93

I want to beat him up so bad in a good and bad way idk how to explain it. He’s such a bastard

Kim Raebin from Debut or Die

[No propaganda prepared yet]

Lee Sejin / Bae Sejin from Debut or Die

"Due to such an excessive schedule, I stopped acting as a child actor due to health problems. I think it was hard for a 12-year-old to handle a schedule where he couldn’t sleep 3 hours a day"  - Lee Sejin, Chapter 70 

Lee Sejin / Keun Seijin from Debut or Die

“What can I say… It’s my conscience calling? I want to join the three-person group, but my inner self cried that it wouldn’t be fair if I brought someone brave.” “So, I decided to show the three scaredy-cats how to overcome it!”  - Keun Sejin to Park Moondae, Debut or Die, Chapter 87

[No propaganda prepared yet]

Park Moondae / Ryu Gunwoo from Debut or Die 

[No propaganda prepared yet]

Seon Ahyeon/Ahyun from Debut or Die 

[No propaganda prepared yet]

Dealer’s Suggestion

Here’s some examples of novels that would likely be accepted as “modern,” including more futuristic novels. I haven’t finished any of these nor started most of them, so if I’m wrong, I’m wrong 👍

Can Ci Pin 

Fake Slackers

Fanservice Paradox

Fight the Landlord, Fall in Love

Global Examination 

Green Plum Island

Guardian 

I’m Not a Regressor 

Itinerant Doctor

Lie Huo Jiao Chou / Drowning Sorrows in Raging Fire

Mist [Unlimited]

Mo Du / Silent Reading 

Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint (Characters like Kyrgios Rodgraim, while beloved, probably won’t be accepted without good reasoning) 

Reborn with an Old Enemy on the Day of our Marriage 

Sa Ye / Act Wildly 

The Cult Leader in the Clergy Academy 

The Earth is Online

The King’s Avatar

The S-Classes That I Raised

[vampire-wizard-solidarity]

im thinking abt totk and skyward sword… in both games u have a beloved female character trapped in the past who needs to deliver a message to our hero in the future and so she makes a dire sacrifice in order to see this through… only when impa did it i actually felt something… AND they had the stones to make her sacrifice permanent (ie impa not only grows into an old woman but straight up dies at the end. or turns into dust at least. potato-potahto). there r just so many moments in totk that echo those in previous games without understanding why those story beats work. anyways the cringefail totk vs the chad skyward sword

so true!!

also part of the reason skyward sword works is it’s a much tighter story. it’s focused thematically and in terms of character, unlike totk which is all over the place with a ton of characters none of whom get any development despite supposedly playing large roles in the story and taking up enough screen time for you to be annoyed with the fact that you’re sitting through the same exact cutscene four times.

and on the topic of impa and zelda as parallel story beats in terms of time travel – impa’s sacrifice has something to say. she could technically just tell link everything he needs to know in the future, she could just time travel to said future and orchestrate events from there as her younger self (as she does), she could explain things to link directly – but she doesn’t, and that’s because of characterization. firstly, the reason she stays at the temple until she’s an old lady instead of just using time travel again is because she’s a devoted servant of the goddess: she’s not just there to wait for link (or zelda), she’s there to watch over the temple, too, she’s a religious servant not just for this one time, she doesn’t just serve link and zelda, she serves the goddess in all her forms.

secondly, the reason she doesn’t tell link everything is because she believes he needs to prove himself. this is another layered part of her characterization: we see her different relationships to other characters, with added complexity of the fact that we see two versions of her react to link: young impa at first regards him with derision, a distaste and harsh judgement of the fact that he’s not ready, he hasn’t proved himself as someone with enough power and skill to protect zelda. old impa similarly believes he isn’t ready yet, however her attitude in this belief is much more that of a wise old lady who kindly wants to see him mature, out of a belief in fate and worthiness coming with time. she won’t give him answers, however she will help him find them.

so, when these characterizations combine in her death it’s tragic but also beautiful: the reason she ultimately dies is because her duty has been fulfilled, and she believes that she is not fated to continue existing in this time, as her prime has passed and her jobs are done, she goes with the dignity of a wise servant.

zelda’s sacrifice, however. firstly it completely disregards one of her defining traits: her curiosity and love of research. rauru literally says that becoming a dragon is a last ditch effort and he believes that before that they must research and understand her power, at which zelda lights up, and yet we never actually see her attempt any of this research or mastering of her power. she seemingly becomes more powerful between cutscenes, yes, however there’s never a scene of her actually training, or trying to do any sort of research or brainstorming solutions. we were simply not shown that she’s exhausted every other option, we were not shown her use one of her strengths (her curiosity and intelligence) to solve the problem, she went with the first solution provided to her.

what does this do to her characterization? shows she’s devoted to link? she’s willing to sacrifice herself to save everyone? cool, nice. ignore all her complex characterization from botw to make her a typical perfect female character defined by her dedication to the male hero. thanks.

this kind of sacrifice could’ve worked hypothetically - if we were shown, for example, her trying and exhausting every other option it would’ve given this story beat a sense of desperation, tragedy (botw hits a similar beat). instead it’s just. underbaked.

it’s only made worse by the fact that the sacrifice is pointless in the grander scheme of things. you literally do not need the master sword to defeat ganon. skyward sword never had to encounter difficulties marrying its gameplay to its story because of its staunch linearity, and botw just? wasn’t stupid? like idk making zelda’s sacrifice be actually vital to the story and defeating the villain is such an easy task the only way i can explain this is the devs were dumb as rocks in trying to marry a more classic epic story with botw’s non-linear structure. like. the fact that you can just ignore all of that and defeat the villain anyway really undermines the story beat doesn’t it. in botw ignoring the main story and gunning it straight for the villain doesn’t really undermine the story, it just makes you see it through a different lens: zelda asks “do you really remember me?” and your genuine answer is “no”. isn’t that cool? isn’t that impactful in its own right?

totk just couldn’t reconcile any of its multitude of elements in a coherent manner. it’s just bad. it’s so shit i’m sorry i cannot write totk posts without devolving into a blubbering mess of “fuck shit fuck”

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Now that s2 has had some time to settle, how would you all rank all the OFMD episodes? I don't care about how good you think they are objectively (because I know if I was ranking them from what I think are objectively best to worst, that would be a different list entirely), I care about how you rank them personally!

For me, the ranking goes:

Fun and Games, s2e4. She's everything to me. Ed and Stede making up and communicating, Ed's cute little smile, Izzy being a fucking nightmare (affectionate). Perfect episode in my eyes.

The Innkeeper, s2e3. I don't even need to justify this one, you all KNOW.

Mermen, s2e8. I know she's a little messy but I love her. My go-to comfort episode and a happy ending to the season. Ed and Stede fighting to each other across the beach is my favorite scene in OFMD full stop.

The Art of Fuckery, s1e6. I looove her. The OG bathtub scene that spawned a million bathtub scenes in fanfics, plus Stede beating Izzy in a duel and the best open in s1.

Act of Grace, s1e9. Solid episode, first kiss, Ed saving Stede's life, a heartbreaking ending. Fantastic.

The Curse of the Seafaring Life, s1e5. This to me is the perfect mid-season episode of a show like OFMD. It's fun, I love it, plus we get a moonlight kiss!

We Gull Way Back, s1e8. I love when Calico Jack is here fucking stuff up.

Wherever You Go, There You Are, s1e10. It's hard watching this now to believe this is how our show ended for over a year! Now when I watch it I think about how far they've come.

This is Happening, s1e7. It's just great, it's only so low because I like the first eight more!

Red Flags, s1e2. This one hurts me and I love it. It's a damn compelling episode of television.

Calypso's Birthday, s2e6. I can see why people don't like this one but I'm willing to give it a pass for a lot of shit. I really like Ned Low.

Discomfort in a Married State, s1e4. It's a wonderful episode. The bad thing about ranking OFMD episodes is I love all of them so I feel bad for putting one of my beautiful children all the way down here.

Impossible Birds, s2e1. Solid season opener that also hurts me. I love it.

The Best Revenge is Dressing Well, s1e5. Lovely episode, I just get sad when those racist assholes are mean to Ed :(

A Damned Man, s1e2. Again this episode is great and I hate that it's so low

Pilot, s1e1. This is a super solid pilot and I love it! Sets Stede up so so well. I love watching it and marvelling at how far he's come!

Man on Fire, s2e7. This is a fine episode! I like watching it and it's got a lot to love! I just like it better when you watch it with Merman as opposed to on its own.

The Gentleman Pirate, s1e3. It's fine, just not as good as the others! My cringefail friend Stede is especially cringefail in this one but I adore Spanish Jackie's introduction here and of course Our Prayer at the end!

[sadboytournament]

ROUND ONE

Propaganda

Adriane Tepes/Alucard: Bro's mom got murdered and his dad went insane and tried to wipe out humanity, and Adrian had to kill him to save everyone. AND THEN he had to deal with people trying to revive his dad to cause even more deaths! Also he's immortal so he's outlived everyone he's ever cared about 😭

Jason Todd: (tw: sexual assault mention) the second robin, gets taken in by bruce after his abusive dad walks out and his mum dies of an overdose (and he also steals the wheels of the batmobile, king). bruce trains him to be robin and for his original run he was a pretty cute kid (with the occasional Angst Arcs that are pretty common w robin - special shoutout to jason finding out his dad was actually killed by two face and he just didnt know, and an arc where a woman that reminds him of his mum gets raped by a guy that iirc has diplomatic immunity i think?? or enough power to get away with it? anyway jason fucking kills him so not that immune ig) then death in the family happened and jason found out his mum isnt his biological mum so he sets off trying to find his bio mum, and eventually he meets her, but shes working for the joker and sells jason out to him. the joker then proceeds to beat jason with a crowbar and blows the building hes in up with his mum also inside it, killing them both. dc then does a fun thing for the next 20 years where they start treating jason like the '"""troubled""" """angry""" robin who was too reckless and was always going to end up dead. eventually dc brings jason back (as dc is wont to do), by having him wake up inside his coffin years after dying, dig his way out with his bare hands, and walk half-dead in the general direction of wayne manor until he's hit by a car and taken to the hospital (where all his says is 'bruce' over and over, and when asked who bruce is he responds 'my dad' and passes out) eventually he ends up in talia al ghul's care and is dunked in a lazarus pit to revive him completely, and he finds out not only is the joker still alive, but batmans also replaced him as robin. jason returns to gotham as red hood and has an honestly pretty slay arc where he taunts bruce by doing a better job of cleaning up gotham than him ngl. eventually it all culminates with him luring batman to a building where hes keeping the joker and telling b that his no kill rule is bullshit, and he shouldve killed the joker for taking jason away from him. he gives bruce an ultimatum thats basically if you dont kill me ill kill the joker, you gotta pick' and bruce chooses to instead disarm jason and save them both, and jason escapes. what follows is a lot of ups and downs for red hood comics (mostly due to the "angry robin" narrative dc writers have spun, making a lot of jasons appearances wildly ooc fights, lots of weird (tragically in character) cringefail behaviour, and this odd period where hes a natural redhead and his helmet is this ugly dome). itd be too long to list every jason todd sadboy moment from the last 20 years here but i do want to give a special shoutout to a currect story arc where bruce (who thinks hes being controlled by a 'perfect batman' hes got in his head) gets sick of jason's """reckless behaviour""" and fucking alters jasons brain chemistry so that whenever his adrenaline rises, he'll have a panic attack so severe hes basically incapacitated and can barely speak through his fear (the instant he escapes bruce's captivity he jumps into a burning building to save a little girl im SOFT for him!!). also second special shoutout to the jason todd in the arkham games who didnt even have the luxury of dying at the jokers hand, and was instead tortured for like 3 years, branded, beaten by p much everyone in batmans rogues gallery (and some of jokers goons dressed as batman), eventually jason breaks himself out only to find out that NOT ONLY has bruce replaced him, but it took the man like. a month. like jason wouldnt be thought dead for a long time, he was missing and bruce just went 'ill let this new kid adopt himself' ig? also theres a vr game in the arkham series where you can go into arkham asylum and hear jason screaming 🙃