#be safe guys gals and nonbinary pals

[distressed-devilsitter]

I can't do another four years of Trump, guys!!!

[valiantstarlights]

Hi, OP here! 😊

To answer your question, I imagined the kulfi Dream was enjoying to be either malai or coconut-flavored. Definitely something white or cream-colored. Because it's ✨️evocative✨️ and would have made Hob overheat watching him eat it when he's still holding the popsicle stick at hip level.

And you know Dream would intentionally hum around the kulfi as well, causing the vibration to travel down Hob's fingers.

Hob is a saint for being able to keep it together until they reach his flat, actually. Can you imagine Dream finishing his kulfi during transit and pouting at Hob, saying, "I want more, Mr. Gadling."??

Hob deserves an Olympic gold medal for being able to drive (and not crash into anything) while horny. Dream deserves to get spanked for trying to get them killed by distracting Hob: taking off his coat, 'innocently' running his fingers over the gear stick when they're sitting in traffic, ending Hob's attempts at small talk with highkey thirsty responses like:

"Nice weather, yeah? A proper sunny day."

"You certainly look hot in your clothes."

"Oh, uh..."

Dream does get spanked (because he asked). He loves that Hob's hands, so capable of creating such delicious food, are equally as capable of drawing all kinds of pleasurable sounds from him.

Hob cooks dinner and breakfast for Dream, of course. What kind of aspiring boyfriend would he be, if he doesn't do at least that?

Dream likes watching Hob cook. He watches him cook dinner just wearing Hob's shirt and little else, and he watches him cook breakfast with a blanket wrapped around him and nothing else.

Hob presses little kisses on him every time he passes by the area where Dream is sitting. Dream is basking in his attention like a contented cat.

Dinner is vegetable curry over rice, and breakfast is a paneer aloo omelet. (Just simple stuff because Hob is exhausted. Also, Dream is a very distracting audience. The omelet almost burns because Dream, unsatisfied with a peck on the cheek, pulled him in for a deep kiss.)

Dream sits on Hob's lap while they eat, with Hob feeding him bites in between kisses. Dream is proud of himself for managing to finish exactly half of both meals. Hob doesn't know about Dream's thing with food yet, but he also kindly doesn't ask, content on allowing Dream to tell him in his own time.

Dream notices that there is still quite a bit of the vegetable curry left in the pan, and he asks shyly if he could take the rest home for later. He'll pay, of course. How much would it cost him?

"The total will be a kiss, your number, and a promise to meet again soon," Hob says, uncharacteristically smooth. He is utterly enchanted with the fey creature on his lap currently caressing his stubble.

When Hob meets Dream's siblings for the first time and Dream sits firmly on Hob's lap and gets fed by him during dinner, his siblings are like, 'wow this is great, Dream is eating well now,' but also 'oh lord i hope they don't fuck in front of our salad'

...Anyway. @carnelianmeluha thank you for liking my Chef!Hob AU story, and you deserve to be appreciated for all your hard work making food from fan/fiction. 🙇‍♀️

Hob is a chef who owns a food truck selling authentic Indian food, and Dream is someone who doesn't really eat well. (He had a bad breakup a year ago and it caused him to eat less. He's trying to eat better with his siblings' help.)

Dream agrees to go with Death to one of those food truck fairs for her birthday. There's not a lot of people yet so some of the staff offer them free samples to entice them into eating more from their food truck.

Death is having the time of her life, and she thanks Dream for going with her even if this isn't his thing at all.

Dream says that he enjoys the atmosphere (a.k.a. no huge crowds yet) and appreciates the aesthetic of the food they have already eaten: the understated elegance of the mango bingsoo, the dancing bonito flakes on top of the takoyaki, and the satisfying cheese pulls from the megruli khachapuri.

Death, encouraged by his interest, asks him to pick another food that he likes the aesthetic of so they could try it next. Like before, it's understood that they'll share a serving so Dream doesn't have to worry if he can't eat a lot.

Dream agrees. He picks an appetizing-looking plate of butter chicken from a foodtruck selling Indian food near the edge of the fair grounds, where not a lot of people have ventured yet.

They are greeted enthusiastically by a very handsome man and Death does all the talking because Dream is distracted by his forearms and smile and manbun. (He's salivating, so he must be hungry. Right?)

The handsome man turns out to be both the chef and the owner, and he chats with Death while he prepares the food. His name is Hob. He quit his job at a fancy hotel because he wants to feel more connected with his customers and share the food that he loves cooking for his family. (Dream is falling for him the more he talks. He doesn't realize that he has yet to speak and has only been staring.) (Hob is highly intimidated by him but also thinks he's cute.)

The food is served. Death takes her first bite and says something like 'holy shit dude wow this is great' and Hob is just about to thank her when Dream takes his first bite and lets out the most sinful moan Hob has ever heard this side of his laptop screen.

He is (understandably) frozen in place, staring at this beautiful man devour his food while sounding like a porn star. He may or may not be violating food safety standards by getting hard in his jeans in the truck's kitchen area.

Death is astonished because Dream has never shown this much enthusiasm while eating before. Even when they were kids. She is now looking at Hob speculatively. Should she google 'how to politely ask a stranger to (please) marry your brother'?

Dream...honestly doesn't even notice anything other than how delicious the food tastes. When the plate is clean, and Death has only gotten to take that single bite at the start, he reddens and apologizes, but Death waves it off, and Hob says something like, "I have some dessert too, if you want."

Dream unconsciously licks his lips and says, "Please," in a voice that could either mean 'Yes, please, I want some dessert,' or 'Fuck me raw right now.'

Death, immediately picking up on the sexual tension, says, "We'd like some kulfi, but I'll take mine to go."

And Dream is like, "Sister, what--?"

"I just remembered Desire and I have an appointment to get our nails done so I have to go--oh, thanks, Mr. Gadling--bye Dream, love you, be safe!" And then she's gone.

Dream is left with Hob who is still holding the other kulfi in his hand, looking slightly stunned at Death's very abrupt exit. The kulfi is starting to melt. Dream, unthinkingly, leans forward and sucks the tip.

They both freeze and their eyes meet, Dream's pink mouth still on the kulfi. Hob gulps at the visual. Dream, still maintaining eye contact, licks it from base to tip, then starts sucking in earnest, eyes steadily darkening when he sees Hob's breathing becoming unsteady.

Hob hears some footsteps coming their way, potential customers from the sound of it. Hob hands Dream his kulfi and apologizes to the customers, saying that something came up and he has to close. Like, right now. Sorry for the inconvenience but this is really important.

He closes up in record time while Dream taunts him by enjoying his dessert. He's already sitting on the passenger seat of the truck when Hob climbs into the driver's seat.

Desire's text the next day reads: 'DREAM YOU SLUT IM SO PROUD OF YOU'

Destruction for some reason knows Hob's number and has texted: 'Break my brother's heart and I'll break your spine.'

Dream slowly but surely begins to eat better. How can he not, with all the support he has, and Hob there to love him even on his bad days?

Hob gets everyone's approval, even Destruction's, eventually. He's the best cook and most considerate brother-in-law ever.

When Dream passes by his ex while walking down the street one day, he realizes that he's alright now, and is definitely better off without them. He's actually thankful, because if not for them, then he might not have even met Hob. He doesn't greet them because he still hasn't forgiven them, but he also doesn't feel like bursting into tears anymore.

At the end of the day, when he gets back home, Hob is there to welcome him with a sweet kiss, a warm meal, and a lifetime full of love.

[xxthat-rat-boixx]

Summers almost here ya fuckers. Which means my tumblr access will be limited to none. So. To all the trans boys binding this summer: remember to take breaks and drink water. No binding longer than 8 hours and don't swim in it if it's not swim safe.

To all my fursuiter guys gals and nonbinary pals: drink water we all know that fursuits are not made with air conditioning (to my knowlegde)

To all my sibling systems: remember fusion isn't the only option, you and all the other alters are valid, and take care of the body no matter what.

To my alphabet mafia family. Remember you are loved. Drink some water and eat some food. You won't have to live in the closet forever.

And to my bestie @finnslay remember I love you and even though I'm bad at texting back, you are valid and I love you l. 🤛✋️🤟

[shallyouobeyme]

For the “spicy” prompt im imagining Platonic Yandere Batfam discovering your internet history, and having a confrontation about how you’re far too young for such things (reader is a full adult, not that the Batfam sees it that way).

I sadly already have something written out for today, but I really love this idea so I decided that I'd just go into the concept a bit as well - I mean I make the rules to this so I might as well use that power.

Okay, so I don't really write smut as of now because I don't read it and I do have not a lot of real-life experience so I figure it might just be a lot of cringy blabbering. But let's go with the 'spicey' meaning that horny adolescents will probably think of when reading the word in the context of fanfiction.

Now you're probably somewhere in the span of 16-20 in this scenario, old enough to live independently on your own, but young enough that the batfam can somehow justify it in their mind to treat you like a precious, fragile, little toddler. Sure, some of them logically know that you're basically a grown-up, but with how much effed-up shit they see every day they don't really wanna admit that to themselves and rather chose to act all 'I do not see'. And while that's all fine and dandy for them to do, it doesn't change the logical facts. Fact number one: You grew out of binkies and blankies like a decade ago, for god's sake Dick stop trying to make me take ten naps a day with them. Fact number two: Like I said, you're kind of (definitely) an adult and assuming that you have not always been the coddled little Wayne-baby that the Batfam wants to see you as you've probably been exposed to adult things before and aren't sensitive with seeing them. Like, guys, I was reading the news daily before you crazy people kidnapped me - stop talking about international crises as if the countries are people who have minor disagreements, okay? Fact number three: there comes a time in an adult's life when they might be craving a somewhat more intimate partner in their life - and no, Damian, I don't mean the bestest friend in the whole world forever, I mean a guy or a gal or a nonbinary pal who can rock your shit, if you get my drift (never dare say that to Damian out loud tho, you will be having your mouth washed out with soap). So while it might be a giant oversight on your part to not realize that all your precious internet time is completely monitored, you still probably haven't expected to be sat down by Bruce, Dick, Jason and Alfred and get a lecture on how you're way too little to look up these kinds of things (you looked up TikTok videos and happened to watch a few with TikTokers dancing in slightly less covered clothing) and how your mind is too undeveloped to grasp these big things you searched for (you looked up a statistic on the rate of kidnapping victims to get killed) and how you should keep playing your safe games instead of these violent ones (you looked at a game trailer for Cyberpunk 2077).

All your arguing falls on deaf ears. They just don't wanna hear that you're not their little, innocent baby. The only good thing is that they don't think you have enough logical thinking skills yet to properly grasp the situation so you'll be punished very lightly (a month without internet privileges). Once you're allowed to go online again though, you'll have to make do with the special kiddy-pad they got you with all the safety features and parental controls installed. So yeah, might wanna get used to being without the internet from now on...

[hannathecartoonlover]

Happy Halloween!!!

To my guys gals and nonbinary pals today is Halloween and weather your trick or treating or chilling with family or friends and staying inside watching horror movies I wanted to say I love you all and hope your safe this Halloween!!!

[checkoutmybookshelf]

EXCUSE ME, That Is My Emotional Support Bodyguard

If Artemis Fowl was originally planned as a trilogy (and I have no idea, I was literally too emotionally distraught from rereading this book to Google that), then this book is a really lovely ending. It's also just a massive emotional roller coaster, especially for a middle-grade series! Let's talk Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code.

*Spoilers Below the Break. Be Warned*

This book could honestly also be titled Artemis Fowl: American Businessmen are Scum and I Will Personally Make them Pay, because one of the very, very few flat-out mistakes we see Artemis make occurs in the opening chapters of this book. Our boy attempts to extort American businessman Jon Spiro into paying him an exorbitant fee to keep his C-Cube (a peice of tech that integrates fairy technology to make literally everything else on the planet obsolete, with the added bonus that if anyone looks too hard at it, the fairy world could be exposed) off the market.

Butler--bless his bodyguard heart--spends this entire meeting with his instincts screaming "Something is seriously wrong," but Artemis is so damn sure that he has the high ground that he ignores a couple of fairly blatant red flags to bait the already pissed-off businessman. And then, of course, the angry American does the most predictably fucking American thing in the world and pulls a gun.

And Butler does his job. This man who we have grown to love through two books literally stands in front of the bullet and makes sure that Artemis is safe before literally using his dying breath to tell Artemis his name before dying in his principle's arms.

Guys, gals, and nonbinary pals: This scene is DEVASTATING.

We are intimately tangled up in the moment, with Artemis and Butler's reactions. As someone who has had life-threatening medical emergencies, Butler's calm in the moment is totally understandable, but when I read this book for the first time, that calm was scarier than him panicking would have been. Artemis is a normal human boy with normal human boy emotions in this scene, and because he is so rarely that in these books, that is perhaps more devastating than if he had also been calm in the scene. Basically, if this death scene hadn't been reversed in later chapters, it would be #1 on my list of book death scenes that scarred me for life.

But Artemis being Artemis, he finds his criminal mastermind instincts and stuffs Butler's body in a fish freezer, gets help from a professional cryogenicist, and then gets Holly on the line to pull off a hail-Mary four-minute healing. And the best part is that there are actual consequences. The healing takes about a decade off of Butler's life, and because some kevlar fibers got caught up in the wound, his breathing is less free than it was before. But the important thing is that Butler. Is. Alive.

Then, of course, Artemis has to come clean to the fairies that he came within a hair's breadth of exposing their entire civilization to humans and that he has left the door unlocked and cracked open for Jon Spiro to expose them. This is, of course, wholly beyond the pale, so the Council authorizes them fairy help to retrieve the cube, but for a price: All the humans involved get mind-wiped after the cube is successfully retrieved. Artemis agrees, because this kid has eaten enough humble pie today to kill a large horse.

Butler, despite being alive, is not in any shape to go heisting, so Juliet and Mulch Diggums round out the heist team. Jon Spiro is rich, paranoid, and quite frankly evil, so this heist is a CHALLENGE, but ultimately they do end up succeeding, and Artemis, Butler, and Juliet submit to mind wipes. That scene is weirdly touching, but it is not without the caveat that allowed the series to continue beyond book three: They're wearing mirrored contact lenses to beat the mesmer, and Artemis slips Mulch a computer disc full of files that will spark enough memories to reverse the mind wipe.

This isn't my favorite Artemis Fowl book by any stretch of the imagination, but it's arguably the best heist in the series and the scenework and the development of Artemis's character is strong as hell. Plus, watching Jon Spiro spiral into a hell that is largely of his own making after he had Butler shot was deeply satisfying.

[monkeythefander]

Advice for Fanders

Since Trump is going to be president of the U.S. and Project 2025 probably will become a thing, there is a chance all LGBTQ+ content will be removed from the internet.

So my fellow fanders, I suggest you start saving copies of fan works you like. Save pdfs of your favorite fanfics on AO3, because I have no idea what will become of AO3 during 2025. Save photos of fanart you like. Screen record cosplay videos and animatics you like. Maybe even screen record Sanders Sides episodes, because I don’t know what will happen to those either.

These are all just precautions I’m personally taking and/or planning on taking, so I might be overthinking all of this. It may not be as bad as I’m thinking it will be. But it’s probably better to protect the fan content now than to never get the chance to.

Do with this advice as you will, and be kind to yourselves in the coming years. Stay safe guys, gals, and nonbinary pals.

-Monkey💜

[scuddle-bubble101]

Happy Halloweenies guys, gals and nonbinary pals! Hope you have a good one, be safe and stick to well lit paths while trick-or-treating ok?<3

[matthaisstupidus]

Hey guys gals and nonbinary/agender/xenogender pals, I'm "back from the milk store"

Or in all actuality... its just twitter shitting itself again so in the miniscule chance this Fuckening kills it for good I'm gonna use this instead, and I'm just making sure I can safely get back with all my twitter mutuals on here since they're also moving over here

[menareworthy]

Introduction Post

Hi guys, gals, and nonbinary pals! I'm Will (not real name), I am 19 as of this post and I go by they/them pronouns.

I am a feminist, but I am not a radical feminist. I believe that the patriarchy harms all genders. And, while I noticed an abundance of blogs pointing out the struggles and discrimination that women face as a result of this system, I have not yet come across one doing the same for men.

"That's because men are inherently privileged and do not struggle like women do." Some would argue. And while it IS true that men do have privilege in many areas, in some, they do not, and are actively discriminated against.

As such, the purpose of this blog is to be a safe space for men to feel heard and understood. I also want to show non-men persons the unique struggles that men face, so that we may all better understand each other.

Rules:

-This blog does NOT encourage or endorse the harassment or mistreatment of any gender. I do not tolerate misogyny, misandry, sexism, transphobia, or anything of the like.

-This blog does NOT encourage or endorse other kinds of bigotry, such as, but not limited to: what I have listed above, racism, colorism, homophobia, religious discrimination (islamophobia, antisemitism, etc.), and ableism.

-This blog does NOT encourage or endorse radical feminism or terf ideology. Personally, I believe that these beliefs are harmful. Y'all that believe in these beliefs are allowed to respectfully disagree, but not harass. (See the paragraph under this one for more v)

-Anyone (even radfems and terfs) are allowed to read my posts. I believe that people can challenge their viewpoints, and that it is healthy to do so. However, I do not tolerate the harassment of anyone on my blog. That includes me and other users who will be active on here. If you do so, I will block and report you. Don't be a bully. If you don't agree with something my blog says, that's within your right to believe. It is NOT your right to harass me or anyone else on this blog because of said disagreements. Write your feelings down in your notes app, go for a walk, write how you respectfully disagree. Whatever you gotta do that does NOT insult, demean, or bring down others. I am being as clear as I can with my thoughts on all this here, so you know exactly where I stand. And hey, if you hate me? Just block me. No bullying or harassment, period.

-This blog is Pro-Palestine.

-Just be kind, y'all. That's the main conceit of this whole thing. Treat others the way you would want to be treated, and have respectful discussions. Again, being the broken record that I am: RESPECTFUL discussions ARE permitted. HARASSMENT is NEVER permitted! I WILL block and report those who do not follow these rules.

To Men:

I hope that I am able to give you some support and encouragement through this blog. If there is anything that you would like me to cover, then please send an ask. If my askbox ends up becoming hell, I'll try to figure out another way of sending suggestions. And remember, you are worthy.

Yours, the (not real) Will Wood

(Yes I'm a Will Wood fan, that is who I based my alias here off of).

Have a good day, y'all.

[supernovaa-remnant]

would you tell me how how the dinosaurs died? :0

buckle in guys gals nonbinary pals humans alterhumans whoever you may be, because this is a wild ride.

first thing you need to know: the dinosaurs died due to an asteroid impact. we know this for a variety of reasons (including stratigraphy, iridium, and the fact that we found where the asteroid impacted) (it's what we'd call a ghost crater bc it's been modified by certain processes, but the reason we know it exists is for a different post).

that's where the crater is

it impacted in the gulf of mexico, and, actually, it was only about the size of Mount Everest. now, you may be thinking "that's pretty big," but compared to the size of the earth?? that's pretty small.

take a quick look at the moon, will you? you see all those big impact basins? yeah, the asteroid that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs wouldn't have even caused that had it impacted the moon. it simply wasn't big enough to create what we'd call a big impact basin.

this was the blast radius.

so, how, pray tell, did it manage to cause one of the major extinction events in the earth's history?

well, the short answer is, it's due to the earth's atmosphere. had this happened on any other planet in the solar system, it wouldn't really be notable. however, the earth has a thin layer of this thing called biology. and the biological organisms rely on the atmosphere to survive.

so, the asteroid impacts the earth. it sends debris flying up and out of the atmosphere, but not with enough force to reach a stable orbit, so all of this material comes crashing back down into the earth's atmosphere. now, as we know, the earth is constantly rotating, which means this debris is falling all the way in australia and trailing to the west as the earth rotates. and the debris falling has enough force that everything beneath it is immediately set on fire.

so, literally half the earth is burning within 24 hours of the impact. you might think that the ocean life would be safe, however, this impact caused the ocean to become super acidic, which is why the extinctions happened there, too.

now, a funky little thing about a fire of this scale: it causes so much smoke in the entire atmosphere that it actually blocks sunlight, and photosynthesis stops. which, means very very bad thing for the food chain.

there was a lot of luck involved in what survived this, actually. idk, I just think it's interesting. it only was able to spread so far and cause so much damage because of the atmosphere, which is kinda cool. not cool for the dinosaurs, but cool for us.

anyway obligatory disclaimer that I'm not an expert I took one (1) entry level class about dinosaurs and this is from one (1) lecture in my astronomy class, and I always encourage people to do their own research and fact check the stuff they see on the internet <3

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

House Keeping 12/14/22

Thirst Trap Thursday Is Go

Same rules apply, check the nope list. And no one under 18. And I'm shy ONE thirst trap for tomorrow so, y'know.

Nothing major this week, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals!

I've said this in asks previously in the week but: I'm building out a queue so I can take a week or so off between Christmas and New Years. I'd like a break.

AND I've got a few projects coming that I have to lay the groundwork for and it's gonna take my full attention for a few days while I fine-tune what I'm doing so.. On top of that, I've been acting as a caregiver for one of my parents and it's been... a lot. So, I'm not miffed or upset, I'm just busy.

I think that's it. I don't really have any gripes or things to whine about.

So, stay safe, stay hydrated, and Stay gold. 💜Ari

[xpegasusuniverse]

A man dating a woman is a straight couple even if both of them are bi.

No.

A bi man dating a bi woman is still a queer relationship because both parties are members of the LGBTQ community.

But in LGBTQ spaces, both IRL and online, bisexual who are in relationships with someone of the opposite gender often have their sexual identities completely invalidated and denied participation in the LGBTQ community.

We only count as members of the LGBTQ community in their eyes when we conform to how other LGBTQ people think we should act, even if it means denying a whole part of the who we are.

In fandom spaces, characters who are popularly headcanoned as bisexual are usually the stereotypical “skirt chaser,” playing into the idea that bisexual people inherently more sexually promiscuous than other people.

Typically, the only reason these characters are headcanoned as bisexual is to safely explain why they’re always flirting with people of the opposite gender in canon while still shipping them with someone of the same gender. The very same people who headcanon a character as bisexual will try to bite your fucking head off if they see you shipping that character with someone of the opposite gender.

And shoutout to all the transgender and asexual guys, gals, and nonbinary pals who go through similar issues both IRL and in fandom.

Wow, this got a lot more personal than I intended it to be.

[ruinsams167]

As someone who goes by They/Them pronouns i think people can AND SHOULD be aloud to choose their pronouns if they want to! And the same goes for if someone wants to change their gender or if they are in the LGBT Community! People should be aloud to be who they want to be without people judging them!

I might just be a random person on the Internet......But i hope this helped! And to other people who have to go through this,just know that your not alone......be safe out there my guys,gals, and nonbinary pals! Love y'all! :3

Please reblog if you think that “they/them/theirs” is a valid set of pronouns.

this post must be reblogged by everyone

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Rereading The Fellowship of the Ring for the First Time in Fifteen Years

Ok guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, welcome to the Aftermath. We left the fellowship last time as they were hauling ass out of Moria sans one wizard. At this point we probably still have orcs on our tails, so we have to keep on hauling ass for Lothlorien. Let's dig on in to chapter 6, "Lothlorien."

Not gonna lie, y'all, this chapter was a sloooooooooooooooooooooooog for me. I literally got like five page in, realized I was heckling fictional characters and reading tones that the text legitimately did not support, and had to put the damn book down for a week. Picking it back up...I might still be the problem here, because I know, I KNOW, that Aragorn saying "Farewell, Gandalf [...] Did I not say to you: if you pass the doors of Moria beware? Alas that I spoke true" is not meant to be the world's most poorly fucking timed "I told you so," but I CAN'T HELP IT. I read it as not the complex, nuanced expression of grief and regret and the painful realization that they must go on that it's clearly intended to be, but as a snarktastic "I fucking told you" that even the most cynical are going to side eye.

So y'all are just going to have to bear with me on this, because I know I'm the problem, I can see the intent, but my brain wants to play ragtime on this pipe organ, and frankly, we're not going to get ANYWHERE if I wait until my brain adequately appreciates the work. Sometimes we just have to roll with our inner irreverence.

The pacing at the beginning of this chapter felt very weird to me, because we start with Aragorn trying to chivvy everyone into moving, but then he stops to give an orientation lesson to the reader. And before we even really feel like we've made any progress, Gimli insists on taking a quick break to drag Frodo up to Durin's Stone and Kheled-zaram, which goes about like this:

They stooped over the dark water. At first they could see nothing. Then slowly they saw the forms of the encircling mountains mirrored in a profound blue, and the peaks were like plumes of white flame above them; beyond there was a star, though sunlight was in the sky above. Of their own stooping forms no shadow could be seen.

Which is very pretty and a nice moment, but it does also SUCK THE URGENCY COMPLETELY OUT OF THE NARRATIVE. I know, Lothlorien is meant to be slower than the Moria chapter to give the overall arc some variation and let everyone catch their breath, but we've got orcs on our trail and we're not safe yet! Not that that's going to stop Aragorn from describing yet ANOTHER river (seriously, this man and rivers...) or Legolas from waxing poetic about what the Mirkwood Songs have to say about Lothlorien and its silver and gold winter aesthetic and green and silver spring aesthetic. Which...honestly, I am here for this aesthetic? Lothlorien sounds absolutely lovely. Elf aesthetics in general are kinda my thing, but again, this makes the pacing feel really janky. Especially since Aragorn basically goes, "Yeah, sounds great my dude, maybe HURRY YOUR ASS UP???"

This whole first couple pages feels very "hurry up and wait," which kind of makes Aragorn forgetting that Sam and Frodo are both hurt until they literally fall behind a little bit weird. At that point he does insist on he and Boromir carrying Sam and Frodo, and then breaks out the athalas when they stop to rest. This is also where Aragorn finds out about the mithril vest that saved Frodo's ass. Although uh...the fact that Frodo got hit hard enough that the maille rings were driven THROUGH leather into his side kind of makes me wonder about the physics of mithril. I'm not saying it's world-breaky, I'm saying tell me more about how clearly mithril can flex and distribute force with such INCREDIBLE efficiency that Frodo survived this shit. (Seriously, if any Tolkienites out there have engineering or physics backgrounds, please get in my comments and explain this to me because it sounds cool and I'm an English major, I don't know how STUFF works.)

Once everyone has gotten high recovered thanks to the athalas, they get moving again, and they travel through the night. And this is where we get THIS:

[Frodo] looked at Sting, and the blade was dull. Yet he heard something, or thought he had. As soon as the shadows had fallen about them and the road behind was dim, he had heard again the quick patter of feet. Even now he heard it. He turned swiftly. There were two tiny gleams of light behind, or for a moment he thought he saw them, but at once they slipped aside and vanished.

Y'ALL WE HAVE A GOLLUM SIGHTING. The little dude is following Frodo and the Ring, and when Frodo SAYS SOMETHING to Gimli, specifically that he thinks they've been followed SINCE MORIA, Gimli is over here going "Yeah, I don't see or hear anything, keep moving, halfling." Soooooooooo...I guess we're just going to ignore this for now. Good plan. That won't bite anyone in the neck or anything.

Anywho, we finally GET to Lothlorien, and Legolas is bitching because it's winter and he doesn't get green leaves, Aragorn is just like, "PLEASE let them cover our asses tonight," and Boromir pops up with "Is there no other way?" And honestly? While Lothlorien is objectively the best and probably safest path, I kind of get Boromir's logic here:

"A plain road, though it led through a hedge of swords," said Boromir. "By strange paths has this Company been led, and so far to evil fortune. Against my will we passed under the shades of Moria, to our loss. And now we must enter the Golden Wood, you say. But of that perilous land we have heard in Gondor, and it is said that few come out who once go in; and of that few none escape unscathed."

Ok, elf bigotry at the end there aside...I get what Boromir is feeling right now. Dude is having SERIOUSLY big feelings about being in situations he is not prepared for and honestly is unequipped to handle. Gandalf's magic wasn't enough to save him in Moria, Legolas's elf shit wasn't enough to get them off Caradhras, and whatever ranger mojo Aragorn has is just fucking barely holding their skins together. Boromir is the big man on campus in Gondor, where the number of orcs you can kill is the most important thing, but here? Where the mission is "Keep the ringbearer alive long enough to yeet Ring into volcano"? He's not feeling confident, and he is just a dude with a big sword. I'd be insecure too, and I would also be wishing for a dead simple straight fight, because that's my comfort zone. That's not like...the BEST strategy to go into this mission with, but like, I get where our Gondorian dude's coming from.

And I am way more disposed to empathize with Boromir right now than I am with "let me bathe my feet in this magic elven stream" Legolas at this point. Although Sam's ongoing lore education is VERY well served here, because he's picking up all the Mirkwood and Lothlorien stories, plus the song of the maiden Nimrodel.

Then we keep heading deeper into Lothlorien, and Haldir pops up and gets sassy about how Sam is breathing so loud, they could have shot him in the dark. Which like...really man? BREATHING too loudly? Somebody really likes his dead silence...

Sam's breathing stops being a problem real quick once Legolas explains that they want to bring a *GASP* Dwarf into Lothlorien. Haldir is fully over here like:

"A dwarf!" said Haldir. "That is not well. We have not had dealings with the Dwarves since the Dark Days. They are not permitted in our land. I cannot allow him to pass."

And even with Frodo invoking Elrond and explaining that Gimli has been hella useful and awesome on this trip, Haldir has some conditions:

"We will do this, though it is against our liking. If Aragrorn and Legolas guard him, and answer for him, he shall pass; but he must go blindfold [sic] through Lothlorien."

We're going to put a pin in the blindfold thing, because that comes up again in a minute. What we're going to yell about NOW is Elf racism against dwarves, because WHAT THE HELL? Gimli is a grown-ass adult, and they're not letting him speak for himself, making bargains on his behalf without consulting him, and they're insisting that he's inherently unstable and needs GUARDS. This is just bullshit and honestly I'm not a fan. And...before I yell any more, I am aware that Tolkien was a white male academic in the first half of the twentieth century. The racism could have been a whole lot worse and a whole lot more endorsed in these books, but I also feel that as an academic, Tolkien is a little bit skimming over this stuff, because Gandalf and Aragorn just generally give off the vibe of "OMFG, you people's racism is SUPER ANNOYING and is GETTING IN EVERYONE'S WAY. STAHP." Which...I appreciate the "racism bad" in there, but the vibe also has some MASSIVE imperialist tones to it, so...Augh. I genuinely think that Tolkien missed a chance to talk about race, imperialism, and power dynamics in depth here, but that's an academic paper in and of itself and I...do not want to do that here. I'm sure a Tolkien scholar somewhere has ALREADY done that work, so if you want more on that, go find it there. Basically, Haldir, if you have a problem with Gimli, talk to GIMLI. We can still have Frodo and Aragorn supporting him, but TALK TO THE DWARF.

Anyway. They get their Lothlorien passports and a couple talan to spend the rest of the night in, because everyone needs a bit of a rest here. The hobbits have a minor moment of being deeply sus about having to sleep in trees since they are literally hobbit hole dwellers, naturally, but we do get a little bit of sleep before the orcs show back up! Thankfully though, the Lothlorien elves have this shit on lock, so the hobbits don't have to worry.

Well. Except for how Frodo is still getting stalked by Gollum:

He was almost certain he could hear stealthy movements at the tree's foot far below. Not Elves; for the woodland folk were altogether noiseless in their movements. Then he heard faintly a sound like sniffing; and something seemed to to be scrabbling on the bark of the tree-trunk. he got up and crawled to the opening and peered down. He stared into the dark, holding his breath. Something was now climbing slowly, and its breath came like a soft hissing through closed teeth. Then coming up, close to the stem, Frodo saw two pale eyes. They stopped and gazed upward unwinking. Suddenly they turned away, and a shadowy figure slipped round the trunk of the tree and vanished.

Frodo, sweetheart...tell someone when creepy pale eyes are stalking you. You KNOW that Gollum literally ate babies, this is not a Twilight scenario. Gollum is not gonna turn Edward on you (at least not outside the slash fics). At the very least though, the elves are good at seeing what shouldn't be in their woods. Haldir pretty much confirms that it's Gollum too, because he says "I might have thought it was one of you hobbits." That's Gollum, guys. ITS GOLLUM. And had someone thought to tell Aragorn, he might have made that connection.

The next morning, we cross into the Naith of Lorien. Remember that pin we put in the blindfold? Time to return to it, because Haldir goes to blindfold Gimli, who VERY RESONABLY goes:

"The agreement was made without my consent. [...] I will not walk blindfold [sic] like a beggar or prisoner. And I am no spy. My folk have never had dealings with the servants of the Enemy. Neither have we done harm to the Elves."

And like...yeah, valid points. However small an imposition on bodily autonomy a blindfold may be, it is still an imposition on bodily autonomy, and one Gimli did NOT consent to. Nor should he have to consent to it if nobody else does and there is, as he points out, no other external reason to distrust him except "dwarf." And it gets shittier because literally Gimli can't even go BACK at this point. It's "take the blindfold or die," which is just WILDLY fucking out of proportion, and given that explicit threat to his life, I don't blame Gimli for drawing axe on them. And LEGOLAS is not helping with his "A plague on Dwarves and their stiff necks."

Aragorn gets like...bare minimum points for asserting that their entire party--Legolas included--will go blindfolded if Gimli has to. He gets an extra point too for his "Now let us cry 'a plague on the stiff necks of Elves!'" when Legolas protests.

Legolas LOSES points for getting pissy about having to wear a blindfold with exactly ZERO self-awareness. Like...Yes, Legolas, the blindfold is demeaning and shitty. That is ENTIRELY THE POINT. And this is at least the second time in this book where a dwarf has made a solid point about racist mistreatment from elves. But where Gandalf was like "fuck it, whatever, move on," Aragorn at least is over here going "fair is fair, you're gonna need nine blindfolds." That's closer to a show of solidarity than Gandalf got, and if it makes Legolas and Haldir uncomfortable enough to REFUCKINGTHINK their position, then all the better.

The fellowship spends like two days waltzing Matilda through Lothlorien with blindfolds until Galadriel sends new orders about losing the damn blindfolds. Haldir doesn't waste time about it, and he personally removes Gimli's:

"Your pardon," he said, bowing low. "Look on us now with friendly eyes!"

...Haldir. Sweetie, honey, friend. AN APOLOGY AND A DECLARATIVE STATEMENT ABOUT HOW GIMLI SHOULD FEEL NOW IS NOT HOW ONE APOLOGIZES AND DOES BETTER AFTER DOING A RACISM. I swear to Eru, I know the early 1900s were a different time, but the high-handed bullshittery here...

This is more or less where we leave it, because the fellowship gets to relax a little here, and hang out "inside a song," as Sam says. They're in a place of safety, and it was a heck of a trip to get here.

That's about where I'm leaving this chapter, because honestly this one was SO hard to get through, SO irritating in terms of the Elves being snarky assholes, and SO weird in terms of pacing. People say the "The Council of Elrond" chapter is a slog, but I'd read that one multiple times before I'd revisit this one. This just didn't speak to me, and I did not have fun. We get Galadriel next time though, so I'm hopeful that this is the lemon chapter in an otherwise good book.

[explodingice]

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