#bcs this is going to take a whiiiile...............

[yume-fanfare]

and if i start actually making video essays,

[wrathofrats]

Thinking about Aether and Phantom quintosis lesson. It's all going well and all, Aether's letting Phant explore his head on his own a little because he's actually really talented y'know! And then he hits a particular spot and Aether goes brainless, practically drooling on spot if yk what I'm onto...

Everyone always comes to Aeth to shut their thoughts up, but now he's on the receiving end for the first time in a whiiiile and he's just gone.

Just a big brainless quint :)

Shakes you violently because I’ve been thinking about this ever since I saw it

(Warning that this is a little dubious but consent is implied and implied to have been discussed prior, just didn’t want it to come out of nowhere in case someone isn’t up for that 🫶

Also I made it weird bc confident phantom has been on my brain recently)

Aether talks him through it. Takes phantoms hands and places them on either side of his head, covering them with his own.

He trusts him under his own supervision, able to step in if something were to go wrong.

It’s easy, to aethers surprise. Phantom being able to pick at different memories, emotions, doesn’t take long for phantom to start trying to control his limbs.

“Am I doing that?” Phantoms eyes light up when aether hand moves slowly to the side.

“You are bug, good job”

Aether thinks it’s cute watching him get so excited over his powers.

Different tour memories flash in and out as phantom practically rummages through his brain like a storage bin. His face muscles twitch while phantom drags over certain nerves. Quintessence can be a dangerous game in the wrong hands, the power to as you please to someone only to be trusted in the right hands.

A particular wave of fuzz washes over aether as phantom gets a little more confident with the electricity he has wrapped around his mind. He feels cloudy, it’s not unfamiliar but he knows exactly what phantom is doing considering he’s done it to the other ghouls countless times before.

“Bug…..” aether warns taking a deep breath. He feels like there’s cotton behind his eyes, his breathing becoming deep and more manual.

Phantom prods again. A sharp buzz in the base of his skull and it’s hard for aether to get out the words to warn him again.

Phantom understands what he’s doing, especially considering this form of mind control has been done to him before. it’s the only reason aether hasn’t removed him yet but it’s a helpless and almost calming sort of feeling, looking up to see phantom smiling at him with his magic completely taking over his senses.

“Please let me take care of you?” Phantom tips aethers chin up to look at him, the other hand caressing his cheek. Aether can feel just a bit more quintessence slip in as he nods.

He’s completely brainless, barely a thought besides what’s directly in front of him and a small attempt to keep his breathing normal. It’s all he can do to keep his vision straight, mind full of static and he can’t help but smile at phantom, giggling slightly. A comfortable mindless state of pleasure.

“Never been able to have you all stupid for me have I aeth?” Phantom teases. It’s light hearted in nature but god it does something to aether. He could practically drool if he really wanted to, phantoms light teasing enough to have him salivating. Something so delicious about being able to have your thoughts shut up and being taken care of, aethers been craving it for a while.

A delicate hand pushes its way under aethers shirt. Phantom looks for any sign of protest before lifting it off of his body and discarding it on the floor beside them. Aethers immediately handsy, giggly and trying whatever he can to get phantom back on him. His limbs feel like they’re full of concrete as he tries to reach up to pull him closer. Time moves slow, almost too slow for him with the idea phantoms put into his head of him doing whatever he wants to him.

Phantom makes quick work of his own clothes while aether chews his lip, small moans escaping as phantom strips in his lap. He’s easy like this, hard and stupid and just desperate for anything from phantom he can get.

“You’re needy when you’re like this” phantom teases, reaching for the buttons on aethers pants. “Big and stupid like a whore should be”

Phantom grabs aethers hand, pulling it around his waist to finger himself with it, “your fingers are thicker than mine, gotta stretch myself out to take you baby” phantom gasps as he pushes aethers fingers into himself

It’s a tight stretch, phantom working himself with two of aethers fingers guided by his own, if he’s not careful he could probably just use aether like this and cum in his lap but oh, he wants to see how bad aeth can get when he sits on his cock.

Aethers streams out incoherent pleas and curses as phantom finally pulls him out, stroking him a couple times just to hear him whimper

“Fuck you’re much better like this, dumb and useful, just a dildo for me to use right?”

[softxsuki]

Last time I requested was a whiiiile ago. I try not to request ppl too often bc I save them for urgent, I’m that one anon who asked u to write the human trafficking toman thing. I’d like to register myself as 🐈 anon if that’s available, if not then 🐈‍⬛. Anyways urgent request pls, hope you don’t mind, maybe Karasuno team reactions to learning their manager is out of school bc of a suicide attempt?? Idk if you write for haikyuu as teams so sorry 😭 if not maybe just Kenma on his own? Tysm in advance 😭

Kenma Finds Out You Tried Taking Your Own Life

mentions of sui*ide, don't read if that will trigger you pls

Pairing: Kenma x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of attempting to take your own life, hospital, worrying, embarrassment

Genre: Comfort?

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 430

Summary: In which you're Nekoma's manager and attempt to take your own life and Kenma finds out

[A/N: Hey! I remember you and yes ofc you can be 🐈anon! <3 Hope this gives you some comfort. I only write for certain ppl in Karasuno, not as a team, so I went with the Kenma one. Hope that's okay!]

Kenma:

This is the most anyone has ever seen Kenma react to anything before; his usual stoic expression goes pale and visible worry takes over his features

Practice is a disaster since all he can think about is you. Whether you were okay and wondering why you tried to take your own life…he was scared

It gets so bad that Kuroo ends up sending him home so he can relax, but whispers in his ear that he should go visit you in the hospital where they were monitoring you for a while until they thought you were stable enough to go back home

He’s hesitant at first, but knows he won’t be able to focus until he can see with his own two eyes that you are okay

So he takes a trip to the hospital, stopping on the way for some snacks he knows you like and some flowers in hopes that they will brighten your day, but he's beyond nervous. What will he say when he sees you? What if you don’t want him there? Yet he still pushes forward and walks to your room

You’re slightly embarrassed when you see Kenma walk into your room; you were Nekoma’s manager, yet here you were in bed after attempting to take your own life, but you try and meet his eyes, grateful that he took the time out of his day to see you

He’s a little awkward and doesn’t exactly know what to say other than keep you updated on how practice is going

“I…I just want to say that we really appreciate you as our manager. We wouldn’t have been able to get as far as we have without you, so please, stick around with us”

It’s simple and doesn’t exactly address what you attempted to do to yourself, but it hits deep and makes you tear up a bit as you nod in agreement

Kenma was there to support you, not judge you and you could clearly see that in his eyes as he treated you like always, despite how fast his heart was beating and the relief that went through him when he saw you smile

After visiting you, he continues to visit you everyday after practice and is even able to focus a little better, which the rest of Nekoma are relieved about–they can’t have their setter messing up

But things finally go back to normal when you return as their manager and they throw you a huge welcome back party, showing you just how much they truly appreciate you, especially Kenma

REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Posted: 11/12/2023

[thereaderinsertlady]

Something I find forever funny:

I desire to request or commision

I am broke.

My brain looks at Nastasia from Super Paper Mario and goes "god she's underrated in the X reader stuff"

I am but a disaster lesbian just awkwardly staring from a distance BC your fics slap and I feel like I am Bad with Words Today but oh well dkfjjf

o mi gosh nassy 😭 an incredibly underrated reader-insert bbg. I can certainly understand the struggle of not having hardly any content for a character and being unable to do commissions (I would liiike to commission people to draw good ol' Dimentio but ooooh well a girl gotta eat.) I have been HEAVILY slacking on general requests too, and I don't wanna bother my friends so I can write some requests with them. However. There is just absolutely nothin' for nassy x readers and I've seen you around my blog for a whiiiile soooo errrm..,, here's something a lil small. It really isn't much since I have been so hyperfocused on finishing commissions and just dealing with life in general, but I really can just understand having NOOOOTHING for a litel lovely character. Here's the link on ao3, and I do hope you enjoy this teeny tiny fic.

‎

Nastasia x Reader - Burny Juice

“You need to be more careful,” Nastasia mumbled, kneeling closer to your legs once adjusting her glasses.

“Really? Careful is my middle– ouch!”

Deep within the dark walls of Castle bleck was Nastasia’s bedroom. As Count Bleck’s right-hand woman, she has very important duties to take care of. Keep track of everyone’s chores, watch people train and make sure things are going accordingly… aaand to fix up any silly little boo-boos.

“As far as I know, your middle name is not ‘careful.’ And keep still, ‘k?” She dabbed a wet rag along your knees. Of course, this rag was wet with burny juice. An… antiseptic, you think she called it? Something like that. Either way, it did not feel good.

“Can’t I just eat a mushroom?” You gave a confident smile for good measure. She had to be tired of you by now. And… probably of Dimentio too. But mostly you– you were like Dimentio, but worse and clumsy. At least he didn’t get hurt every other day. At least he wasn’t sitting in here with carpet burns on the knees. After a certain point, you could trace the dark pattern on her purple bed sheets without looking. 

She sighed. “You still have to sweep and mop the halls. A mushroom will make you groggy.”

“Oh come on. Can’t I skip chore-duty today?” When she didn’t relent right away, you lowered your bottom lip and gave her your best set of puppy eyes. “Just this once? Please? Pretty please?” Your knees felt like they were on fire from the burny juice. “Pretty pretty please?”

Nastasia gave you a long look, expression unreadable. Though, before long, her shoulders sank. “Alright,” she patted your calf, “Alright. You may go lay down once I’m through, ‘k?”

…

“On your bed?”

When she didn’t respond right away your smile turned sly, expression becoming cheeky. 

“Well? Can I lay down on your bed Nassy– ooouch! Don’t pinch my leg!”

Even if it was hard to see her eyes from behind her glasses, you could tell she was ever so slightly amused. “I want you to finish your chores tomorrow. ‘K?”

“Yeah, yeah… thanks…”

“...Of course.”

[albedobeheading]

ough diary entry woowaaaizowie

unfortch I will not be taking melatonin tonight bc I did have a nightmare that I fist fought the coworker I don’t get along with and djo was singing in our shop??? end of beginning obvi and I don’t know if I just heard it being played outside or smth??? bc it was very clear (but now that I’m thinking about it maybe it wasn’t especially clear and it was just the clearest thing out of the very muddy dream)

anyway I’m taking a ballet class tomorrow???? I gotta get up somewhat early (for me) and it’s within walking distance of my apartment :’)

honestly I had a really shitty weekend and it was mostly my own fault but alcohol and weed did not help me at all. I had my first panic attack in a whiiiile like at least a month or two bc I’m not really keeping track of them these days. I was also wickedly drunk from a USA four loko which yanno I am glad to not be able to handle them anymore !! I’m getting older and fatter and that’s ok like there’s nothing I can do to really change the oldness (I thought I looked like my mom/uncle/grandma this morning when my face was still puffy) and the fatness is like. honestly not bothering me bc I know it’s mostly in my head and the pounds I’ve put on are healthyish but mostly from a lack of exercise in the past year

I don’t think I’m gonna do 75 hard bc that feels impossible to me atm but cutting out alcohol for a bit and definitely not takin weed for a bit are the best things I can do for now. This ballet class is technically every day I believe??? so maybe I’ll buy a pack of class passes and try to go at least once a week for the rest of the month. I’ve been scheduled a lot at my job lately (partially bc two ppl only work 2 days a week and another person is out of the country until august) and the money is fine and I do need it to live but yanno. The living isn’t really happening outside of it.

it’s so hot here now and tomorrow is supposed to be like 90s I think or 90 smth. I was planning on wearing a leotard and exercise shorts on top with a bandaid or two on some bug bites so I don’t look too crazy hopefully. I need to stop spending money on lime scooters bc they’re just making me lazy. Even though it’ll be uphill, I’m going to walk home tomorrow‼️

god it’s too hot

[staravya]

au of an au where the thieves have their powers plays a lil differently. im just gonna. think it through bc it's inchresting to me.

it would LOOK like an accomplice au at the start where shido has somehow caught akira (spyware he was spreading detected the metanav or mentions thereof on his phone) but akira has never been to the metaverse before and is all but being blackmailed into learning the hitman ropes from akechi, who in turn is very aware that this is a "youre not as unique and indisposable as you think you are" move from shido.

incidentally, akira's being blackmailed through his squeaky clean no-incidents record. he's "perfect", and shido is threatening that. thats the first clue that its a leverage au disguised as an accomplice au lmao.

they go to mementos and varied palaces to practice and the whole time akechi is weirdly disappointed by how mid akira and his persona, arsene, are lmao. no matter how much he pushes, akira seems unable to evolve his persona or summon a second. akechi doesnt know WHY it annoys him that this soft-spoken and quiet yet occasionally witty/observant guy is only performing to expectation rather than exceeding it but it does and he's mad about it. he takes it out on poor akira who is all wide-eyed innocent about it. theres a moment where akechi is downed but rescued by a stray shot that downs the shadow, and when he looks, akira is fumbling/dropping his gun and trying to pick it up, hyperventilating. it's almost like any glimpse of competence he finds is immediately smeared into oblivion.

the first time akechi finds a crack is the first time he tries to get akira to kill a shadow (reluctantly, at shido's urging). akira balks, of course, at first playing at soft-and-sentimental-oh-no-its-murder, but as akechi tries to force him into it, he finally finds akira's spine and is bizarrely thrilled by it. through a series of events, akechi gets concussed, but the shadow dissolves on the other end of akira's knife, and all seems to be going as planned. after, akira is very Out Of It, and eventually makes quiet references to "hey do you think the phantom thieves of hearts do what we do and also dont you wish we could join them instead"

in the background, phantom thieves are a rumor on the wind. vague references to the resolution of canon palaces are sprinkled in (kamoshida, madarame, juneshiro) but general consensus is they aren't real. this is in part because the arrested parties keep yapping about how some phantoms are responsible for their arrests even though clearly they were merely hoisted by their own petards. clearly kaneshiro's just embarrassed about having accidentally sent incriminating evidence straight to a public prosecutor and blaming boogeymen about it.

blah blah events happen, at some point akira butt-dials akechi during a shido meeting and akechi learns his plans are all for naught and akira gets murked by the cleaner, oh no! sad boy hours.

... except. this is a leverage au. and ren has been playing this role for a whiiiile. akira is just his cover bc ren DOES have a record and shido wouldve remembered that name lmao. so. the phantom thieves made a plan about it. oracle gave one of shido's goons the spyware to distribute, ensuring it would pick up on ren's alias. ren plays along. the shadow he "killed" was phantom showed (hi secret stash of personas that includes raoul) or goho-m'd and the real person taken into protection, akechi's concussion was definitely on purpose, as was all the times ren played clumsy or stupid to throw the guy off his tail. the whole song and dance about joining the phantom thieves was a really unsubtle push lmao. anyway akechi goes to them since he has no other choice etc etc take down shido together happy ending. yay. this is probably really thin but look im just getting the words down.

[ipegchangbin]

moving to your ask box bc the reblog chain is getting long but omfg SKJFKSGHDFG the way my first thought was like "what stuff on the dash" ☠☠☠ cause i got like 4 fics total and update like thrice a year pleeease ☠☠ ahhh youre reading wgoin thats so exciting that one's definitely my pride and joy ;A; also the fic of mine with the least traction for probably obvious reasons LOL but like this is your sign to stan ateez bc they were Meant to be side characters to the skz-centric story but uh... well.... i got carried away 😭😭 im so happy to hear you gave it a shot anyway though omfg thank YOU for reading and all the compliments wtf 😭💕 and yes all over stayblr bro ive recognised your url for a while now i think we have some moots in common?? i just hadnt had much time for reading lately so i havent got the chance to read your works yet but im p sure ive rbd some of your fanart before its stunning!! get you a mf who can do both?? its funny bc i rmb when i first saw ur url and went "pegging changbin, yeah ill follow that" without even like looking at the content bc i was just brainless dash scrollin yk but i guess i never did follow until whenever i did recently sDFKGSDFK cause that was like, a Whiiiile ago

OMG HEY btw do i call you mischief?? or do you have any preferred name?? im literally basing that off your bio OOPS but hi hello thanks for dropping by!!

okay funny story i dont recall who put your wgoin fic on the dash (either that or the tumblr “based on your likes” thing bumped it) but i was so intrigued because AYO TRANSMASC READER?? its rare to see specific identities like that and its always a joy to read stuff like that especially on days im feeling particularly masc ^^ im still not done with it (slow and illiterate reader moment) and i still need time to stan ateez (slow kpop stan moment) but thank you for writing and sharing your work!!!🥹 EVERYONE GO READ “WHAT GOES ON IN NEVERLAND” NOW

secondly. I CANNOT TAKE COMPLIMENTS WELL SO IM SHUTTING YOU UP WITH A HUG (consensual though bc i dont touch without consent) thank you for liking my art and writing :’)) no pressure at all to go through my stuff either!

+++ thats one more instance to add to the already broken “i like your username” counter but like?? this goes both ways because thunderous is a BANGER and your url is a banger too 🫡 anyways im just incredibly glad youre here HDJSJAJ thank you thank you thank you and hope youre having the best day!!

[domjaehyun]

would you wanna talk more about the poetry you almost got published? 🥺

omg ….. yes ….. wtf yes jsjfsjdj okay wait i’m gonna try and control my response bc . i rly don’t think i should go on abt everything i wanna mention (update: i didn’t rly control my response that much i just spared you like . the nitty gritty of my poems/poetry specifically) if you don't wanna read what i have to say as i gush abt poetry for several paragraphs, you prob don't wanna click the read more jdfgsjldk

but i wrote a poetry chapbook (a collection of poems) a few years ago and it was entirely based on flowers!! so yknow how flowers have meanings? i found 50 diff flowers with all different meanings and i wrote a poem about each flower !! and a lot of the poems are like . some of my best work like some of them i read out loud and i literally can’t finish without crying or like i notice lil things i did and i’m like DAMN that was clever 😭😭😭

and i submitted it to a couple of publishers that were doing chapbook contests and if you won you got a cash prize and you got published! and i didn’t win THOSE but i wasn’t super discouraged bc like . i was 20 . i was up against like . Adults like full blown adults who were probs seasoned poets so i was like fine w it bc it’s good practice anyway!! but so somehow i got the idea to just. submit directly to an agency and i kinda forgot abt it for a while and then one day i got a Thick Packet in the mail from them (which, as i know from my college application days, is usually a very good sign) and !!! when i opened it, i flipped out bc i’d gotten a publishing offer!!!!!!! at 20!!!!! like that was insane to me and my mom and i freaked out abt it and i texted my old gc from college (we all took the same advanced poetry class) and told them and they were super excited for me!!!!

i didn’t end up taking it, though, bc like . the agency said basically that bc i’m young and previously unpublished and wouldn’t have had a pre-existing audience (all valid concerns to have as a publishing agency obviously) that it was more of a risky endeavor to publish me so they offered to publish me if i gave them like . basically at least 2k i think it was 2400 or 2700 … i’ll check i still have the emails and pics of the correspondence but like . again . i was 20 !! i was working at a pretty poorly paid job like . i literally had no disposable income to save up :/ like p much all my money went to helping my mom with bills, my transportation to and from work, food on my lunch breaks, and like . a fraction of it would go to like . living my life and trying to have a fragment of fun yknow?

so i ended up not taking the deal bc i couldn’t afford it :////// was super bummed abt that part but like it’s all good!!

and then like maybe a year or 2 later i submitted the same chapbook (i think i had to select 30 poems to meet the page limit) to a small publishing press that specifically centered around lgbt+ women i think? and during the height of the BLM movement, they did a kind of contest but they waived the fee for any black poets so i figured there was literally no harm in trying yknow? and they answered me a whiiiile later (which was fine !! they were a small literary press and i wasn’t in a rush) and while they didn’t pick me for the winner, they gave me like . super touching praise !!! it meant the world to me !!!

i’m gonna . find some of the screenshots of what they both said hol on OKAY i found them hehehe the first one is the one that DID offer a publishing deal

and this one below didn’t BUT said very lovely things to me !!

i just blurred out the name of the chapbook sjfjsjdj im not sure if i wanna have that out rn but yeah !!!

i loooooooove poetry i love writing it it’s like the only time i actually allow myself to process my emotions and thoughts? like my writing fiction is escapism and daydreamy but my writing poetry is very cathartic and personal and rooted in My Feelings !! plus, writing poetry is in a way more freeing in that you don’t have to follow all the linguistic rules bc it’s your form and you can do what you want !! but at the same time it can be a lil more daunting for that exact same reason like . there are NO rules so pretty much Everything You Do should serve a purpose !! but yeah i really love writing poetry and talking abt my poems and stuff and :) yeah :D my mom and i were talking the other day and she rly wanted me to like . join a creative writing poetry club or like somewhere where i can talk abt and share my poetry !!! which rly does sound so cool and awesome but like again . Shy . what if i get there and i feel super inferior to everyone else 😭😭😭 what if i get there and they just like . fuckin hate me for idk what reason 😭😭😭 it’s a lot it is stressful i am Tense abt it but i wanna do it sooooo badly omg

hhhhh yeah 💖 i think poetry-writing-me is the most honest/authentic version of me i’ve ever met tbh :p like i’ve always kinda struggled w like my personal identity and like Who I Am bc i usually just like . adapt to ppl and groups and situations as i see fit and i’m typically extremely good at it !! but it makes me tense sometimes bc i know there are things i’m holding back to like . appear more palatable ig? but when i write poetry it’s not like i’m proving myself to anyone or trying to . impress anyone idt like . it’s just for me . it’s like dancing when no one’s watching you!! actually i saw a quote the other day that was like. “who are you in a dark room with no mirrors” or smth and that . punched me right in the gut ngl i was like Damn Who Am I For Real……

but yeah poetry me is like . the closest i’ve felt to that situation !! more so like the stuff i wrote after my poetry classes bc like . i was aware the poems were gonna be read by my peers and my professor so i couldn’t . rly . go into intense detail abt just how Not Okay I Was jdjfksdk my teacher was extremely perceptive as it was like . she clocked me on smth i didn’t think she was gonna notice and then when she directly asked me abt it i remember i literally just. burst into tears sjfjdjdj and then moving forward i like !!! FAKED getting better in a poem like i wrote a whole poem abt how i’d started fixing that issue bc i knew she would see it and i didn’t want her to worry sjfjdjdj but surprise . i was not okay . i was Lying 👀 was being sneaky in a silly goofy mood 💖

my scorpio moon was not fucking around that day she got found out and was like “oh never again” and buried the emotion far far underground 💖

okay i digress and im sure i gave you way more than you anticipated or asked for so . yes 💖 thank you for asking i love talking abt this stuff 💖

[glowstickia]

hey same hat on those period pains! I'm so glad I went on birth control bc that was. not a reasonable experience to have monthly lol

Oof. Anon that sucks that you’ve gone thru similar period pains....aint fun. Thank fuck for birth control tho alas the one I uh had? Didn’t mix well with my adhd meds and I just haha yeaaaaa had one experience that the doctors kept telling me that “no no it wouldn’t do that”. Happened earlier this year...

more about that story under the read more

but goddamn Birth control saved my ass when I was in high school. Like, dude. I used to have periods every other week. Real bad, heavy ones too. Mom was worried I was gonna be anemic. I had trouble remembering to like...take my pills and like...slowly just got off them sorta on accident. Noticed my issue came back in college, but the stress probably uh didnt help. Main difference that time around was that it was once a month at least instead of like every other week.

so basically had a scary af experience earlier this year where my body felt numb and tingly while I was trying to go to sleep. I had been on my adhd meds for almost a year at that point and it was day 3 of trying out this birth control.

I went to the ER, and they were just scratching their heads going “Yea dunno what it is. Go tell your doctor, she’d probably know better.” -_- good news tho not a blood clot. BUT that’s the only news I got and they sent me home at like 4am. Ugh

Got some tests done to find the cause, but I just...straight up didn’t touch my birth control pills after that and just told my doc that “Yeaaaa nooooo. not working out for me” Like I wish I could do birth control but after that experience I aint gonna uh try that again for a whiiiile.... >_> My periods, I will say, have gotten uh much better over the years. But I so don’t wanna screw with the adhd meds that actually work for me when trying to figure out what birth control would be okay with it askdhfds.

[tinyfluffyshark]

bored eh? the alphabet.

So here’s where I admit that I had the ask thing in a queue and have not been paying attention to my blog for a whiiiile so this was a little ominous out of context since my first reaction was “what did I post oh no…” XD

A. WHY MY LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED. Massive communication failures x2. I will be as straightforward as humanly possible and have difficulty when other people can’t be equally clear.

B. FAVORITE BAND. If I say BTS someone will kick me so….. I listen to a lot of NateWantsToBattle, and VocaCircus, but not a lot of actual bands. Oh, the Vocaloid artist Kira!!!

C. WHO I LIKE AND WHY I LIKE THEM. I am not currently romantically interested in anyone, but I made two new friends in Psych and I like them because One has this cheerful happy outlook fresh out of high school (so different than mine) and is like what a teenager should be (not a complete damaged wreck), and the Other is really sweet, easy to talk to, and awkward and makes me feel really comfortable.

D. HARDEST THING I’VE EVER BEEN THROUGH. All of the years 2011-2017, with 2016 being the absolute worst. Picking the least personal details, I lost a lot of people,  had some personal crises, and everyone I cared about was not having a good time, so the accumulation of stuff.

 E. MY BEST FRIEND. @piabird obvs, sweet child please stop drinking so much cola I worry for you. But also one of my friends from high school (bc equally insane and morbid train of thoughts and also weird deep convos that always end in some stupid joke = the best kind of friendship.)

F. MY FAVOURITE MOVIE. I have watched the first Pokemon and Digimon movies more times than justifiable.

G. SEXUAL ORIENTATION. ACE!!!

H. DO I SMOKE/DRINK? Nope, I know people who do though and when they hug me I get headaches (I love them though)

 I. HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS? I WANT a tattoo but probably won’t, I’d never be able to decide on one. I have ten total piercings. Five helix (three on right ear two on the left) and five lobe (opposite distribution) I’d get a lip piercing but I would be killed ouo

J. WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GET OLDER. A HERO!!  Or a psychotherapist and some kind of emergency doctor.

K. RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS. Pretty Good; I love them and they try very hard and are mostly successful, I think, in raising me and my siblings. A little distance on my end but I don’t blame them.

L. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES. I’m really broken up inside my mind, so I feel like no one deserves to have to deal with that? I have a lot of opinions and a lot of controversial opinions, and most of me only makes sense to me, so I’d rather not inconvenience others by having them deal with me. Everything is zero and 100 with me, so I don’t see why people voluntarily subject themselves to my presence. 

M. VIRGIN OR NOT? Yup

N. FAVOURITE PLACE TO SHOP AT? Walmart has food, art supplies, yarn, flowers, and video games, why would I go anywhere else?

O. MY EYE COLOUR. BROWN, we messed up our heterozygote lab so I’ll never know if I got my dad’s green hazel gene.

 P. WHY I HATE SCHOOL. Sometimes the people stink, sometimes it’s the stress, sometimes I’m just not learning the parts I want to be learning. Sometimes your humanities Gen Ed course coupled with some fiction you were reading triggers an existential crisis. ^_^ it’s a lottery of fun and knowledge!

 Q. RELATIONSHIP STATUS AS OF RIGHT NOW. Taken? Okay so I was gonna post about this later, and I know I said I don’t like anyone romantically, but either by this end of this year or beginning of next I’m getting engaged (I’m not being forced, I can and will say no if I feel like it). It is an arranged marriage but not the kind you’re thinking of.  If everything works out I’m not getting married for another four years (He wants to graduate and I wanted four years so it worked out for us both). (I’ll be gross and spaz about him later)  

 R. FAVOURITE SONG AT THE MOMENT. Selfish by Heartbreaker, and Selfish REMIX by Kira!!!! I wish they could take the vocals from the remix and mix them with the music of the original.

S. A RANDOM FACT ABOUT MYSELF. I have a comically small cactus because my friend was trying to find something I wouldn’t pet (“if it smiles back it’s my friend and I can pet it.” “so I get you a cactus with googly eyes and a smile drawn on…” “…would you?”) I want a calico cat named Serenglitchity because I can’t get two named Glitch and Serendipity. And I cut my own hair whenever I get bored so I get some really weird and daring hairstyles accidentally. (Last time was a mullet! My cousin works with poodles and fixed it.)

T. AGE I GET MISTAKEN FOR. 16 (I’m 20)

 U. WHERE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. I’m currently in my bed this is a pretty happy place. At school, there’s this café connected to an outdoor study area and I sat in this spot that had me in the sunlight but by the door so cool air would blow over me, and it was nice. Very refreshing.

V. LAST TIME I CRIED. Wednesday. See insecurity and relationship status…

W. CONCERTS I’VE BEEN TO. The free kind at Canada Day. My favourite bands have played nearby and I’ve never gone but one day. One day.

X. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF (…)? You didn’t specify but I can tell you now, the answer is laugh. I will laugh. No matter what it is, my reaction is always to laugh.

Y. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE. I’m at uni, but definitely, if I need a skill that’s offered at college I’ll go!! I like it here OuO

Z. HOW ARE YOU? RECOVERING FROM AN EXCRUCIATING HEADACHE WHILE STUDYING FOR EXAMS!!!! Feeling pretty good actually. Happy at least, not too stressed despite exams. And this was fun, honestly helped me relax a bit, thank you!

[cherrythot-s]

feeling pretty okay lately 👍👍 lol one week it’ll b “ah i feel so lucky n happy” and then like a week or two later it’s “i wanna die” i’m so dramatic but ya... right now idk maybe cuz i’m kinda high but i’m feeling pretty positive and hopeful. i think things are going to get better but ofc not always gonna feel this great but in the end everything will be okay. i’ve been doing good w saving if i keep this up i’ll definitely be able to travel and still save for other adult shit lol. adult stuff. scary stuff. i literally have no idea what’s going to happen i’m just trying to take things day by day :| i don’t rly have a plan or anything and that kinda worries me lol and makes me feel not good but i kno i can figure things out as i go i’m doing okay now and have to make sure to take initiative bc i can’t just wait for things to happen. i got a snapchat memory from a year ago of my ex, my best friend, and i at a bar. that night was wild lol. We had so many drinks that night hahaha. and kbbq. so not a bad night lol My life is different now :| but not in a bad way at all i think i’m a lot happier. he’s not in my life anymore and it’s so much better than what i had thought it would be lol It always takes me a while to let people go/cut ppl off lol but when i know i know . just takes a lot of time to get there sometimes :| kinda idk actually lol bc a couple years ago i decided to cut this guy off and i didn’t even know him that long lol and i was like super very sure of it. which says a lot bc i am a very indecisive person but i just KNEW i didn’t want to talk to him lol.and now with this person like it kinda did take me some time to decide bc tbh i kinda felt like over the friendship with this person a whiiiile ago but at the same time i didn’t really want the friendship to end bc i still felt like things were fine and that i was just sensitive but now after some stuff i just don’t really care to maintain the friendship. and i feel like this person probably doesn’t care to either bc i think they’re upset with me or something. i feel like if i were to try and talk and tell her that i’m happy she wouldn’t even truly feel happy for me or something or idk just feel some sort of weird bad vibe. i feel like she’s upset with me and i don’t rly know why bc i haven’t done anything to her. ok maybe i didn’t hit her up often and stuff but like ???? when we would hang out itd b like no time passed. if she thinks im wrong for something she can talk to me but i’m not going to start the conversation bc i don’t feel like it’s on me and i think she’d expect me to start with an apology or something lol i’m sorry i’m just not going to do that :| i was the last one to talk and try to not make things weird and she hasn’t said anything since soooo i’m pretty over it lol and i usually debate these things a lot but i rly feel like it’s what’s probably right. i’m happy with the people who are currently actively in my life <3 i luv them all very much <3

[churchyardgrim]

I have so much! stuff!!! I want harker to do! but I also want to keep her story nice and tight, like less than a week’s time, which doesn’t leave a lot of leg room. the pace has to be quick and hectic, but idk if her power development is suited to that really... the way I have it in my head, it takes a whiiiile for things to fall into place, a lot of conflict with the goat and development of coping skills and compromise. but the initial catalyst of her contract with it is also the start of her conflict with greg, and that by necessity has to go fast, bc he doesn’t leave lose ends and he’s on a deadline

and her girlfriends are feeling underdeveloped, and idk what to do about that... I want them to stay, and this story does need more than like two people in it, but they kinda feel flat and artificial-flavored

[smallpastelchip]

This got darker than anticipated so probs don’t read this if u know me irl/just don’t mention it

Could I stop having terrible nightmares about past trauma literally every night that would be cool. It’s not like I’m not already dealing with a lot when I’m conscious like give me a break brain.

Today is just going to be so terrible urgh. I tried to start looking for a second job. Guess what? It was hell. It’s fucking crazy how incapable I am at doing even the simplest things. hey imagine how different this would be if i had a family lol wouln’t that be wild i wouldn’t even need two jobs in the first place

There’s too many things to write about but none of this really matters so I’ll just go lie down now ok thx bye

yet another update: listening to the 4 messages my mom left me two months ago

Seems like this fucking pit of negativity is bottomless, eh. It’s like I can’t have a single positive thought anymore, and all the negative ones are so loud I can barely hear the real world. The worst is I could more or less easily put an end to it but I’m not? I’m just relishing in my own self pity, feeling pleased as I watch myself self destruct, like I’m 15 again or smthg? Gosh I hope nobody reads this bc it’s so embarrassingly stupid I should just fucking stop urgh

And all of this is making me act like a fucking dick all the fucking time and my friends really don’t deserve that shit??? I keep catching myself being horrible but then it’s too late and I can’t apologize bc what’s the point anyway right? And that’s fucking stupid and a terrible way of thinking/dealing with shit. So it’s like I’m basically turning exactly into what I’ve always feared I’d become (well actually let’s not kid ourselves I’ve been like that for a while now so none of it is new), and of course I’m not stopping myself bc once again, relishing in self pity etc. *sigh* none of this is worth it tbh or should’ve happened. Guess I’ll just try and go back to an almost robotic state of going to work, trying my hardest to properly socialise in a way that won’t worry my friends and ignore the part of my brain that wants me to act in a pathetic way to attract attention/help, and see where all that gets me. Maybe I’ll write an email to my brother. Maybe I’ll wear a hijab and go see my mom. Who knows.

Woke up at 5 and these voice messages are stuck in my head on repeat so I can’t sleep. I feel so deeply ashamed. At least I didn’t dream? But I don’t wanna take any chances so I’ll try to not fall asleep again. Better get up and… do things I guess.

Couldn’t fall asleep for a while with my mother’s disgusted voice looping in my head. I wrote an email for my brother but didn’t send it, was too scared. I keep running away and ignoring everything bc I’m too scared to answer, but not answering is an answer in itself and it’s terrifying me. I know there are thin gs I could be doing to make things better. Not the actual situation of course, but at least my mental/physical state. Except I don’t want to, and it’s getting ridiculous. I can’t believe almost immediately screwed up the whole therapy thing. But it’s also so unfair of me to act like that bc it’s going to hurt others too whether I want it or not? And the jealousy, oh my god, the jealousy, it just doesn’t stop, and it’s awful. Jealousy for anyone who has a family because they get to have a life, a future, a form of certainty. But of course thinking like that is completely stupid, of course I’m not suffering more than others, of course this isn’t helping in the slightest, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

So socialising was a big no no lately but since Monday I've managed to not be an absolute dick via texts so u know at least there's that, but now I have 3 different social interactions planned in the neat future aka 3 opportunities to completely fuck things up. So yeah let's hope it goes ok. It's weird cuz i haven't been actually scared of socialising in a whiiiile Im usually quite a social person? But I'm barely managing to keep the bad stuff ™ @ bay when I'm at work so i hope I'll be able to do it in a non professional context bleh