❛ do you trust me? ❜ (for ellis??? perhaps before they've really reconciled?????????)
" No, " the answer is quick, honest. Maybe it is a bit blunt, but he is beyond caring. But if there was one thing he knew about Astoria, it was that he could tell her the truth. Maybe this is why he felt such betrayal upon knowing she had kept so much of herself from him. Maybe he wants it to hurt when he speaks, though he cannot look at the way her gaze breaks with his answer.
He knows what it is like to trust Astoria. It feels like air, passing through his lungs. Butterflies batting against his ribcage. Weaving her curls into a perfect braid. What he felt now was much different, more akin to flies laying larvae in his brain. There was a constant buzz in the knot of his brow, invasively questioning their every step. Her every step. (Who is she, really?) When he breathes in, his breath catches.
Magic, of all things... he was fostering a recent & necessary appreciation for what it was capable of, but certain facts still stood. Magic was dangerous & he had never kept that observation or his distate to himself. This is likely why summer nights in Highever were shrouded in this half-truth. If he had known of Astoria's abilities beforehand, he would have never given himself the chance to trust her in the first place... But then they wouldn't be standing here at odds either. He may have opened his notoriously loud mouth & gotten her into trouble, gotten her sent away. He stomps the thought of in the back of his mind,unable to take it seriously for fearof moving on from this horrible high that came with anger he felt righteous in.
( What else was Astoria hiding? ) his questions often drove him to lash out, to turn his back on his friend... though he still could not help the urge to look over his shoulder, back to her. The worst part was how often he caught her lingering gaze, reminding him of the person who had once lived in his skin. The person who wanted to comfort Astoria with a yes, but knew better than to lie.
Despite it all, he knew he could still give his life for her & have no regrets. Astoria would do the same, he's sure of that. But he was hesitant he could depend on her at the moment, that he could rely on the words that fell from her lips as she spoke them. There was a strange doubt that bled from Ellis with each passing interaction. Where things had once been easy, they were now different. scary, almost.
" I don't trust you. " he reiterates, sternly. Ellis is sure she doesn't need convincing, but he does. His features do not break as he sets his jaw, stubbornly looking past her. It was more complicated than a simple ' no ' could convey & he's not sure she would want to hear it. ( maybe he knows that she would & that scares him. maybe, maybe, maybe. so many questions, so little breath to speak them. ) So he boils it down to the simplest form of the answer. No. Ellis should have been gentler with his explanation, but they were past that now.
"I won't lie to you," maybe it was an accusation. He's not sure, though he's not sure of much these days. Love was not the same as trust. though his heart felt wounded, he knew the only way to remove her from it would be to carve her out entirely... which at this point, maybe impossible. It could never be so simple as hurt feelings, it was deeper than that. Ellis tears his gaze from the tree behind her, pretending not to see her expression so that it may not draw him in, " but I can't do that right now. "
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one of the things that's the most fucking frustrating for me about arguing with climate change deniers is the sheer fucking scope of how much it matters. sweating in my father's car, thinking about how it's the "hottest summer so far," every summer. and there's this deep, roiling rage that comes over me, every time.
the stakes are wrong, is the thing. that's part of what makes it not an actual debate: the other side isn't coming to the table with anything to fucking lose.
like okay. i am obviously pro gun control. but there is a basic human part of me that can understand and empathize with someone who says, "i'm worried that would lead to the law-abiding citizens being punished while criminals now essentially have a superpower." i don't agree, but i can tell the stakes for them are also very high.
but let's say the science is wrong and i'm wrong and the visible reality is wrong and every climate disaster refugee is wrong. let's say you're right, humans aren't causing it or it's not happening or whatever else. let's just say that, for fun.
so we spend hundreds of millions of dollars making the earth cleaner, and then it turns out we didn't need to do that. oops! we cleaned the earth. our children grow up with skies full of more butterflies and bees. lawns are taken over with rich local biodiversity. we don't cry over our electric bills anymore. and, if you're staunchly capitalist and i need to speak ROI with you - we've created so many jobs in developing sectors and we have exciting new investment opportunities.
i am reminded of kodak, and how they did not make "the switch" to digital photography; how within 20 years kodak was no longer a household brand. do we, as a nation, feel comfortable watching as the world makes "the switch" while we ride the laurels of oil? this boggles me. i have heard so much propaganda about how america cannot "fall behind" other countries, but in this crucial sector - the one that could actually influence our own monopolies - suddenly we turn the other cheek. but maybe you're right! maybe it will collapse like just another silicone valley dream. but isn't that the crux of capitalism? that some economies will peter out eventually?
but let's say you're right, and i'm wrong, and we stopped fracking for no good reason. that they re-seed quarries. that we tear down unused corporate-owned buildings or at least repurpose them for communities. that we make an effort, and that effort doesn't really help. what happens then? what are the stakes. what have we lost, and what have we gained?
sometimes we take our cars through a car wash and then later, it rains. "oh," we laugh to ourselves. we gripe about it over coffee with our coworkers. what a shame! but we are also aware: the car is cleaner. is that what you are worried about? that you'll make the effort but things will resolve naturally? that it will just be "a waste"?
and what i'm right. what if we're already seeing people lose their houses and their lives. what if it is happening everywhere, not just in coastal towns or equatorial countries you don't care about. what if i'm right and you're wrong but you're yelling and rich and powerful. so we ignore all of the bellwethers and all of the indicators and all of the sirens. what if we say - well, if it happens, it's fate.
nevermind. you wouldn't even wear a mask, anyway. i know what happens when you see disaster. you think the disaster will flinch if you just shout louder. that you can toss enough lives into the storm for the storm to recognize your sacrifice and balk. you argue because it feels good to stand up against "the liberals" even when the situation should not be political. you are busy crying for jesus with a bullhorn while i am trying to usher people into a shelter. you've already locked the doors, even on the church.
the stakes are skewed. you think this is some intellectual "debate" to win, some funny banter. you fuel up your huge unmuddied truck and say suck it to every citizen of that shitbird state california. serves them right for voting blue!
and the rest of us are terrified of the entire fucking environment collapsing.
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One of my favorite Damijon headcanons is that,
because they've been friends for so long, they've normalized dark humor between them to the point where Jon doesn't even consider it inappropriate, because "It's Damian he's obviously joking"
and he's usually right.
But then Damian says something super insulting and the only sound in the room full of people (possibly the titans) is Jon trying not to lose his shit and failing.
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Despite having more teammates, Neil still regularly plays full games bc he knows he can and likes to. Wymack let's him bc it's one of the only sure-fire ways to get that boy worn out enough to chill. His stamina is out of this world by the time he goes pro and his team doesn't know how to handle him bc pros have way bigger teams and there's no way a rookie is going to get that much play time (not to mention, you just don't do full games that's ridiculous)
But like
What are they supposed to DO with him
He runs circles around them at practice despite being there long before and after official times. He's been caught multiple times by himself late at night. And when he's not on the court, he's on the bench running his mouth.
His coach reaches out to the coach of another team, one he thinks might be able to give some advice. But Kevin's coach just says "oh god i was going to call and ask YOU wtf to do he's going to decimate my team"
They conference in a third coach who is not much help bc the only thing David Wymack says after laughing himself breathless is "good fucking luck" and he hangs up
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steddie angst where eddie thinks steve won’t hold his hand bc he doesn’t take their relationship seriously, but steve just has a really bad nickel allergy and he just knows eddie’s costume jewelry ass rings would make his hands itchy
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grian's current obsession with fishing in hc10 but make it Horror instead of 'a stubborn man slowly losing his mind trying to fish a mending book in minecraft'
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