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Wow. That could not have turned out worse.
Part 23 || First || Previous || Next
--Full Series--
This comic will be on Holiday Hiatus this December and January! While on a cliffhanger? What a scam! >:/
#Chara finally realizes something is wrong....very wrong#And you get to see little Chara for all of 2 drawings. wow. You guys are so spoiled uwu#Asriel and Chara bbfs#finally out of that darn tootin' Darkworld! WE'VE BEEN THERE FOR 2 YEARS!!!#LORE TIME LORE TIME. I know Chara is very vague about it but player-human relationships are very personal.#it can be hard to talk about them if you've been possessed yourself. especially with some stigmas around it#chara just wanted a glass of water. why you gotta do this to em#I am so so so happy to get here#the full excitement has faded since I first thought up this scene but It's still one hell of an accomplishment#YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA how many times I reworked this and how many rough drafts I've thrown out the window because of it.#tbh. I may post the 10+ rough pages that will never see the light of day#Im glad I didnt go through with that scrapped plot bc It was too many unneeded pages. I've learned to start condensing in a better way#I am also planning on showing off my Patreon soon :) so I'll be posting complete scrapped story lines over there#deltarune chara timeline#deltarune#utdr#deltarune chara timeline comic#art#my art#bread#chara#asriel#saloon darkworld#darkworld#deltarune au#college chara#college asriel
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Y'know what? Fuck it (gives u guys a list of poc artists to listen to cause the white ppl on the music side of tumblr have been embarassing me)
List is under the cut, and warning bc I made it very long
Rock:
Los Abuelos De La Nada
Gesu No Kiwami Otobe
Chuck Berry
Ben E. King
Los Prisoneros
Ahmed Fakroun (ok this one's french art rock but in my book it still counts)
Burnout Syndromes (been fucking w them since I got into Haikyuu lmao)
Infinity Song (their hater song genuinely gets me every time LMAO)
People in the Box
N.E.R.D (my god if u don't know them.. idk dude my brother has been obsessed w them for forever so i just was not getting away regardless lol)
Punk/Punk Rock (& other punk subgenres):
Nova Twins (u must listen to them it's just the way it's gotta be guys)
Rina Sawayama (her hatred of Matty Healy is so attractive. i cannot believe i found her two years ago cause i still remember i would not shut up when i first heard her music it was so good)
BABYMETAL (the way their band name just straight up screams at people gets me every time lmaooo)
Indie:
The Younger Lovers
Mashrou Leila
Stella Jang
Shak SYrn (Jenni is on repeat in my room at any given moment)
Steve Lacy (if u listen to more than just Bad Habit u will find an actuall amazing discography)
Jenny Nuo (i have been OBSESSED w her music since like 2021 ish and it is a crime she hasn't blown up more imo)
Nujabes
Hemlocke Springs (oooo i hate that she does not get more love!!! synth pop and alt indie is such a fun niche like!!!)
Lyn Lapid (in my head she's huge but i have recently learned that artists i think r super popular may be unknown to an entire genre of ppl soo)
Megagonefree (found them on ig and omg!! PLS go check them out genuinely)
boa (i am once again shaming u if u don't know them)
Wallice
JAZZ (in all caps bc I fucking LOVE jazz no it's not dead go listen to jazz rn motherfuckers):
Idris Muhammad
Esperanza Spalding
Joanna Wang (ok she does pop and folk music too but idk she felt most appropriate here)
SAMARA JOY (put. some. respect. on. her. name. i would actually go to war for her i am not kidding. also this is in all caps bc MY MOM GOT TO SEE HER LIVE??? AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE WAS PLS I WAS SO MAD OMGGG but i've been promised tickets next time so we're good)
Sade (my og one and only)
Funk:
Fadoul
George Clinton (i mean he's just a classic yknow)
Parliament (Give Up the Funk can make me dance like no other i swear)
Stevie Wonder (i mean.. like if we're on the topic of classics anyway then...)
Michael Jackson/The Jackson 5 (moreso his earlier stuff if my memory isn't lying to me.. look it's been a second since i listened to mj IM SORRY i am a busy person ok TT)
R&B:
Valerie June
Maxine Nightingale (if u don't listen to her... how do u have fun? actual question i put her on every time i need to feel happy atp)
Boney. M (technically they're reggae but they also count as R&B so idk.. i'm just putting them here if anyone wants me to move them later i will)
Amahla (Ca Suffit was so good and got me to check out the rest of her music, YOU SHOULD TOO!!)
Mary J Blige (not to judge but like... if u don't know THE queen then idk how to help you tbh)
SZA (wouldn't be a list without her in it tbh. i'm in love w her not even joking abt that)
Kali Uchis (to this day i cannot believe i saw her live i'm truly never getting a better moment than that omggg i have such a big crush on her anyway)
Aupinard (if ever u need to just vibe, this is the man u go to.)
Wejdene (TU PARLES AVEC UNE ANISSA MA MOI J'APPELLE WEJDENE- she's been my day 1 since i was like thirteen i can't even lie)
Annisse (just found out she only has like ~500 listeners on spotify??? apparently i'm one of them tho lmao so yeah go get that number up guys i love her too much for this disrespect)
Sister Sledge
Cheryl Lynn
Reggae:
Daddy Yankee (he's an honourable mention cause i couldn't not lmao)
Skindred (they're a reggae/metal fusion band and i will shut up abt them when i'm dead bc Nobody rewired my brain chemistry!!)
Manu Chao
Toquinho (i was so convinced this man was bossa nova but apparently he is reggae and i need to do some music theory review)
Folk:
Sushi Soucy (oh the things I Deserve to Bleed had me going thru in 2020/2021)
Miriam Makeba (Pata Pata should be enough to get anyone listening to her, just saying)
Lead Belly (do urself a favour and do some research on this man, i'm not kidding even if u don't like folk music u should know abt him- ESPECIALLY if u like Nirvana that'll make sense later trust)
Pop:
Corinne Bailey Rae (she has so much good music that gets ignored bc of Put Your Records On so.. yeah go listen to Black Rainbows she's only gotten better as time goes on lol)
Dru (he is for any person who likes ke$ha. i'm so serious he is early 2000s in a bottle and i love his music ur rlly missing out if u ignore him)
Monique Hasbun (found her recently! she's a Palestinian, Mexican and Salvadorian artist who plays around with Latin pop and does a lot of fusion music. she's dope go listen to her fr)
Mohammad Assaf (he made the Palestine song that's been going around ig a lot, but his other stuff is great as well. he's another Palestinian artist, so once again, go check him out!!)
Pinkpanthress (i LOVE her she's so much fun to just vibe to and idk how anyone couldn't have heard of her atp but then again this is the sight that didn't know who drake was so... sigh. go listen to her if u don't already!!)
Aliyah's Interlude (BROOO if u haven't heard of her actually go listen rn i'm so serious she is so good i can'ttttt ok bye)
Veondre (had a collab w Aliyah on It Girl and is gonna be releasing her own music very soon! she's trans too so go give her some love)
Shalco (wasn't sure whether to put him here or in hip hop, but his stuff is very very good either way)
Ado (she's j-pop but it's a form of pop so into the pop category she goes)
Moon (she's got two songs out rn, Moonlight and Seoul City Drift, and both r going on loop in my head at all times)
Jay Chou (call me a basic bitch idc he's good ok)
Atarashii Gakko! (i wouldn't say they're j-pop, but google did, so i'm just going w it lol)
flowerovlove (just trust me on this one)
El Tio Gamboin (Los Gatitos is such a cute song)
Grace Chang (see note for Jay Chou)
King Gnu (for all my j-pop lovers... come get ur man)
Salsa:
Lalo Rodriguez (included this genre specifically so i could mention him)
Adalberto Santiago
Roberto Roena (he's a classic i can't lie)
Hector Lavoe (i think he might be the most popular one in this genre lol)
City Pop (this is its own genre bc i literally did a presentation in high school abt it and i'll be damned if i don't flex my knowledge now):
Mariya Takeuchi
Miki Matsubara (my QUEEN my everything my-)
Anri
Taeko Onuki (one of my most listened to artists last yr for a Reason)
Kaoru Akimoto
Kingo Hamada
Jun Togawa
Bossa Nova:
Joao Gilberto (ooo he gets me every time i fucking love this man)
Elizeth Cardoso
Johnny Alf (forgot this man the first time around my bad BUT he's called the father of bossa nova for a reason so)
Hip Hop:
Flyana Boss (they're sooooo good i actually can't gush enough i have never felt so girlypop listening to music before go listen to them!! found the duo through ig so yeah if u want go follow them on there too to show support)
Lil Uzi Vert (for any emo lovers, go check out his song Werewolf with Bring Me the Horizon it is SO GOOD)
Samyra (she's slowly curing my body dysmorphia lol)
Yame (there's an accent on the e but idk how to do that on tumblr. anyway my ass loves french rap and before him i was stuck with klub des loosers so he saved my faith in the genre i can't even lie)
Lay Bankz (u cannot be chronically online and not have heard Ick yet, but i'm repping her regardless bc SHE'S SO GOOD)
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie (HEAR ME OUT-)
Kaliii (Area Codes was one of my most listened to songs last year... as it should be tbh)
Miguel (he does R&B too i just first listened to him bc of his collab w J.Cole sooo)
Tyler the Creator (putting him on here just to brag abt getting to see him in concert lmao)
XXXTentacion (he has been mourned and talked abt an insane amount, but he deserves it i'm not even gonna joke on this one. his artistry is insane and he deserves some love if u haven't listened to him yet)
Kendrick Lamar (i mean i've been reblogging stuff abt him enough. Mr. Morale was actually the album that made me start Listening listening to him and i'm honestly glad it was bc that album is still my favourite to this day if i'm being totally honest)
Renaissauce (criminally and i do mean CRIMINALLY underrated)
#ok i'm stopping here bc i'm a little scared that tumblr is gonna crash on me soon#but u guys get the point#if anyone wants an extension of this list w more genres i would be happy to provide btw#this felt so chaotic to make but it was rlly fun to go through my spotify and actually check the artists i listen to#idk sometimes u just have to remind yourself that you do in fact have good music sometimes lol#music#kendrick lamar#tyler the creator#kali uchis#samara joy#music recs#was contractually obligated to make this after seeing how white some ppl's playlists r apparently#and like guys... you've got no excuse if my white ass can find time to appreciate music#plus these artists r all amazing on their own anyway so check them out regardless#also i'm so sorry to my moots for not shutting up abt music lately#apparently i had a lot of feelings abt it that i have not been getting of my chest so#i'll be back to posting the norm soon (although what even is the norm for me lol)
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Rewatching succession it really is wild to see Kendall and Shiv convince themselves over and over again that they can "fix ATN/Waystar from the inside" only to completely abandon their morals the minute it gives them a strategic advantage.
When they're on the outside it's an endless diatribe about how evil and rotten the company is to its core, but the second they get the slightest whiff of power they suddenly decide the problems are actually really manageable and that with the right leadership it could be a force for good, and like...the saddest part is that they genuinely seem to believe that.
#where's that crime and punishment quote about how the worst thing is that you've betrayed yourself for nothing...#and they really seem to think its true! they genuinely believe that they can turn it around and make it good! it's not an act!#kendall really thinks he's a feminist and 'one of the good ones' and shiv really does think she stands with/for women and liberal#ideals and the truth is that no matter how much they might care about those things they will always love power more and they#are infinitely more invested in the power structures that keep injustice alive than they are in actually trying to stop injustice#roman is the only one who's actually aware and honest about how fucked it all is but he thinks that means everything's bullshit and#therefore nothing matters. which can be just as dangerous as convincing yourself you're the good guy (see: america decides)#that's one of the things i like so much about the ending for shiv and kendall bc they're finally forced to confront the lies they've been#telling themselves. and like. maybe that'll go nowhere. maybe they won't change. but they might. and the only hope they have#of actually growing as people and maybe doing something good is if that illusion gets shattered#idk man i just have so many thoughts about succession#succession#shiv roy#kendall roy
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just need to vent about the Olympics
#Saw the shittiest take saying “on top of the emotional distress on imane imagine how much in danger she is back home”#are you stupid? no seriously. are you stupid?#You think the entire goddamn country who sent here to the Olympics and the mena singing her praises didn't already know about the yx thing?#“oh i meant like bc of the trans allegations and yk”#literally go fuck yourself#don't make the cost of yout activism the demeaning of arab countries and painting us as savages#some of you are too comfortable showing your racism and ignorance under the guise of supporting queer identities#surprise surprise! us in those “barbaric uncivilised” countries don't go throwing people over roofs bc of trans allegations#Yes women can dress as manly as they want and hijab is never forced. Do you ever think before you speak??#Women like imane are welcomed and common in arab countries#the transphobes we have here are the same fucking ones you have in the west! how come yours is special and civilised terfs???#And stop calling her khalif for fucks sake. learn how arabic names work before butchering them with your ignorant self centered naming systm#Imane is her first name. Khalif is her FATHER'S first name. You're calling her by her father's first name NOT her last name#arabic names go with your first name first. father's first name second. grandpa firstname third then great grandpa THEN last name#call her imane and stop embarrassing yourself bc you're just calling her by a man's name. her father's#“trans allegations” as if our people take the west media seriously rather than a circus show at best. You're repeating old news.#And even if there were. People here are actually a community nurtured on kindness. even the most conservatives mind their business#We're raised on being a community. strangers are your brothers and sisters. Live and let live#But your goddamn media takes stories of religion extremist and paints ALL of us like that. and your tiny brain actually believes it#Hey! you know those gay stories on my blog you've been reading? They were written by a savage arab oh no!#They were written by someone who lives in those dangerous arabic countries! oh no!#You don't know our culture. You don't know our beliefs. You will never grasp our ideals bc they were weaved from kindness and helping others#So don't fucking talk shit about things you know NOTHING about. You don't know the queer arab struggles#the same bad apples you have there we have here. shitty people are shitty regardless of nationality#But actually we do have some etiquette and considerations for others here. We don't go throwing bricks at queen tourists do we?#So why would we do it to our own people you sad excuse of a human
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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you're making me wish you'd stop talking to me bc i don't think you have anything to say to me about anything except my academics. i can't even breath in your presence without you going on about how i should be learning
#do you not realise doing this is not helping?? like at all???#it's only making me want to go against you and do everything wrong on purpose#ik you want the best for me ik you love the most but please please try to understand that this is only stressing me out more#i can't remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn't related to how im studying#and please also understand that i cannot always follow your study methods i can do only what suits me the best#just bc a lot of achievers are following smth doesn't mean i should be#and i beg you talk to me about literally anything else#this is only making us grow apart#and i can feel it and it just hurts#also you kept telling me to talk to people more and make friends but now that i actually have friends you want me to#cut them off bc i've been talking about them a lot and wasting time?#also is the first thing that comes to ur mind when i say i have a lot of hairfall is that u need to get me married???#you weren't like this before what changed#it devastates me how much you've changed over the course of two months#you're not only stressing me out but you're exhausting yourself out too please you're growing old take care lf urself#not everything has to be about me#it only makes me worry and make me feel guilty that im not doing my best for u#the only thing id want is for you to think about YOURSELF for once#i love u so so much so please don't do this to both of us please please prioritise yourself#we can work this out together i swear just listen to me once hear me out
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Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma
#bc otherwise yall would have to feel bad about putting me through way more additional unnecessary trauma on here#and i swear its yall who believe everything my abuser says about me. you need to tell yourself its true that i did the shit they accuse me#of and theyre just this pure uwu innocent pewson who doews no wongg umu#yall dont wanna except ive been through hell bc then you gotta accept youve put me through additional unnecessary hell that only warped my#perception worse of a community i thought i was fuckin part of and accepted in but apparently tf not#like you only have yourselves to blame for that shit. for why i hate online queer spaces now.#man it would just suck so so hard for your narrative if i was actually abused as much as i say and my abusive x was actually lying about me#bc otherwise how will you pretend trans men never ever experience any issues ever?#like i dont need to look. ik im one of the main blogs yall like to target and put on blast for transandrophobia stuff bc im super fuckin#outspoken about my shit (nevermind that yall never directly confront me). i already know thats how it is bc theres ppl on here who have a#apparently deep interest in constantly hating me and trying to find reasons im wrong. so when i say something is bad they habe to act like#its good actually somehow. and ik it all roots back to my abuser. there is literally no other reason i can think of that would mame ppl#that invested in hating me unless they believe everything my ex says. so undoubtedly theres ppl in my exs spaces who believe#transandrophobia is fake men arent oppressed ever etc etc. i digress. but ik its yall who've propped this whole shit up#ik its yall who put me on blast for this first and triwled to spread it that i was one of the Big Bad Names in the transandrophobia spaces#so ik yall use me as an example. ik you tell people i lie about everything. ik you tell people i exaggerate. ik you tell people im crazy#ik you tell ppl they cant trust me or rely on me and spread all the bs my ex says about me and even spreads their abuse toward me further#by even doing that shit. yall NEED to keep believing that im the Big Bad Trans Guy that you think i am bc otherwise your whole worldview#falls tf apart. everything you've been standing on online about how trans mascs who believe in transandrophobia are bad would fall apart.#if i am really as fuckin abused and victimized as i say. suddenly you dont get to use me as the example for Bad Transandrophobia Believer#and I KNOW thats the only reason yall choose not to listen or believe us. its LITERALLY just because you're choosing a side in a personal#relationship situation. ik it has nothing to do with politics for plenty of you. you're taking a side and shitting out reasons for why you#did after the fact.#if you really care about politics n shit you should listen to ALL THE OTHER TRANS MEN TALKING ABOUT THIS#besides using one person as your example for why you shouldnt believe people who believe this is a thing.#i mean. even aside the fucking fact that its all bs. if yall dont wanna believe me. whatever. you can get traumatized by them if you want#idefc at this point. if you actually care about politics as much as you say you gotta engage w people in good faith and uh maybe try n#listen to the SWATHES of other trans guys who also talk about this shit and thinks its real.
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Small Rant
I very rarely scroll through tiktok for Brandon content bc its a barren desert but
Boy, the top liked tiktok under the winx brandon search never fails to piss me off. The tiktok was a screen-record of the S4 scene where Mitzi kisses Brandon and Stella is shocked.
The entire comment section is bashing Brandon like....bro.
Its flooded with comments like "Stella should have broken up with him", "All the specialists are red flags" and "Stella deserves better"
First of all, how dare you.
Second of all, is it childish to be so pressed about hate comments about a fictional character? Maybe. Am I still defending him because I'm a Brandon stan? Yes.
You best bet I am exploding all you people in the comments with my mind.
#cannot stand vitriol against brandon#especially since he has one of the most healthy rs in the group with stella#putting aside the s4 is creating drama for the sake of it argument#i understand stellas anger but homegirl threatened to vaporise mitzi idk what else brandon is supposed to do#i also feel his blushing reaction can be perceived as embarassment bc its a possible reaction aft he's been suddenly kissed#while i think he could have been a bit more understanding#i dont think ppl would react very well to your gf screaming at you after you've been involuntarily kissed by someone else#not to mention hes been trying to make up for it for the rest of the season#and has tried to explain himself multiple times but stella was still mad and refused to hear#at least from my memory thats what i rmb#both parties are at fault to a degree and its wrong to pin all the blame onto brandon#am i coping? maybe. deal with it#also WHY DID THE REST OF THEM NOT STEP IN TO EXPLAIN????#s4 and their weird ass misunderstanding plots#tldr do not slander brandon in front of me!!! i WILL go ape!!!#the audacity for them to say all specialists are red flags AFTER SEEING BRANDON OF ALL PEOPLE#narrative aside...i think the most ludicrous comment is 'stella is too hot for him'#ARE U CRAZY#THEY'RE BOTH HOT#DONT LIE TO YOURSELF#jester talks about stuff#jester losing it
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ranting/oversharing/whatever under the cut but tldr; pls pls bare with me if my activity becomes weird or if i’m not liking stuff/commenting as much/ taking forever to do wcifs....that sort of thing. i’ve got a lot going on, but i love u all sm and only have to get thru 1 and a half more months of the school year and then you guys will see waaaayyy too much of me all summer long 😉
i’m a teacher in a special education inclusion class so it’s co-teaching. there’s supposed to be two teachers since we have academically low and behavioral kids who need support. this is my second year working with the same co-teacher. well, long story short, she didn’t get her contract renewed for next year aka she was fired. she always been absolutely miserable and lets it show...gets easily frustrated, does the bare minimum, barely even likes teaching it seems. she’s the type to consistently mess up her own life and then blame everyone else. i’ve seen her go through MULTIPLE side jobs in the two years i’ve known her and each time shes left due to, you guessed it, drama! but she hasn’t figured out that she is the problem.
so anyway now the consequences of her own actions have caught up with her and she doesn’t have a job for next year even though she has to finish out the remainder of this year. and she’s PISSED. she has nothing left to lose since she already knows she won’t be back next year. our building is short-staffed, plus she has a contract for this year so there’s not much they can do. but she’s 100% done trying. she’s using up her sick days, so she hasn’t been here in a bit. which leaves me to scramble and do the work of two people. she’s also attempting to, essentially, commit fraud by trying to go out on disability. so idek if she’ll be back
oversharing about all this to say, my days are now incredibly hectic and i am very busy and tired. i barely have time to sit down, let alone be on tumblr during the day sadly. so i’m really sorry if i fall off. it feels super hypocritical to post and expect u guys to interact with my stuff while i’m barely online to see yours. i promise i’ll try to do catch-ups and interact with what i can when i’m online. ❤️❤️❤️ and once summer starts i’ll return to being around much more.
#also with the racist spam and having to turn off my askbox plus me being off my meds i am just....feeling meh#i love simblr sm but there rly is so much going on with work#this is my busiest time of the year bc we have end of year meetings#esp since i'm special ed there are mandatory iep meetings all through may and june#and i may be doing this all alone now#i luv u guys sm though#sorry for ranting#i overexplain so much haha#i also just needed to rant bc i am so pissed she's doing this to me#she spent all year being miserable#yelling at kids#being combative with admin#she legit wears the MOST unprofessional attire you've ever seen in your life#in a district where we're already allowed to wear jeans and sneakers#and now that she's been fired essentially she wants to go on disability to avoid coming here#bc she feels uncomfortable#like bitch u did this to yourself! UGH
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just realized something and even tho it's something very silly i feel so bad about it 😭
#i just.... sometimes i listen to ateez. i do enjoy some of their songs bc the brand of noise music they produce is interesting and fun!!!!#obvsly that doesn't mean that i stan them. no matter how pretty seonghwa and mingi are i just don't i'm not 15 anymore :)#but i know their names and i can identify some of them when they sing/rap (see: mingi jongho and hongjoong. happy bday king btw!!!)#because they have distinguishable voices even with all the vocal processing they add to their songs#however.... when it comes to what i assume is the rest of their vocal line i'm still trying to... kind of sort them out#and that's fine bc i don't listen their music that much. but their voices are similar in tone right? to me they are at least but idk!!!!#well today i just realized that i have never heard them talk. like outside of singing idk their voices. i don't watch their content#no wait i did watch that one video with san and hongjoong trying out british food........ but the point still stands!!!!!#today i was scrolling down on twt and a video of san mingi and yunho appeared and as i listened to it.... something wasn't adding up to me#and it was so weird bc? yeah that's mingi's voice. and ah okay san talks like that. but yunho???????#he has always reminded me of chanyeol. so much. so as i was listening to him talking my brain kept saying ''wasn't his voice deeper??''#and yeah it IS deep but it's not pcy deep!!!!!!!! like girl you've been fooling yourself all this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#in my head i keep on giving him pcy's voice which is. insane. and i don't know how i never registered it while listening to their songs#i truly feel so bad about it like it's so weird how i never realized i was doing this unconsciously YUNHO I'M SORRYYY#2 am thoughts are strange but this one has shaken me up so much like girl.... not everything is about your favorite unemployed legends!!!!#dara.t
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when th freaking uquiz real
#{ ooc } ✗ 「 wenp reporter 」#tbd.#[ JUST.#[ thinking ab the world before canon/old gen vibes <3#[ thinking about what it Means to be Hero of the Marines#[ when they see how you shine and they raise you up but you've only ever been a symbol to them#[ something for them to strive towards control#[ and it all builds up for What#[ are the choices you make really yours?#[ you covet freedom and its glory but how long has it been since you've truly had it?#[ when was the last time you had a dream just for yourself?#[ do you even remember?#[ <- on 4 hours of sleep and having a normal one#[ don't think i'll post this uquiz bc i think i. did do it before? <- unsure#[ but man. just. thinks a normal amount about how garp is one of the freest men in the navy due to his status and reputation#[ and it feels free enough for him to be happy with it but when the restrictions come to play#[ they hit Hard
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hopefully tomorrow is different, but today's just been a bad brain and body day all around. i'm so low energy rn that i wanna weep and lay in one spot asdf i'm trying!! to brainstorm some more lore bc that stuff excites me so much!! but even that feels like a chore, and i guess the point of this post is i love y'all!! and pls take care of yourselves when you don't feel well!! i accomplished some things today -- way more than i should have, considering how i feel rn. but if i hadn't, that would've been okay, and it's okay that i can't motivate myself atm. everyone's going to have bad days, and it's really important that we're kind to ourselves when that happens. pls remember that <3
#i'm feeling weepy bc i don't feel good and it's easy to get upset with yourself when you're like that#and i guess this is as much a reminder to myself as it is to y'all#it's okay to not feel good and to need a day where you just!! don't do anything!! or to rest as soon as you've done the#important stuff you needed to do!!#i cleaned a little and i studied for my classes and the rest of the day i haven't been able to do much else and maybe my brain#needed that especially after all the excitement yesterday#okay i'm rambling at this point but i'm sending y'all my love and well-wishes!! mwah mwah!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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Fuck I feel so dumb
#vent in the tags#she doesn't follow me anymore. why does such a simple thing hurt so much.#I'm mourning a relationship that barely even happened... but it feels so impossible to move on from...#I... really hate that I feel this way. it feels unfair to people I love now...#vaguing but do you ever instantly hit it off with someone and fall immediately in love but then fuck it up and become unable to interact#for like weeks. and she cared about you and you cared about her but it didn't work and it was your fault. and you try to move on...#but every fourth thought is about her and how much you wish she was in your arms and you in hers. and you love other people but not like he#like somehow this person you've only known for a week and a half is more important than anyone else but she's the one person you forced awa#and it's been weeks and you still can't say anything because you know you'd only hurt her. but what if you could make her understand?#but if she can't you'll just be hurting her over and over and you can't bring yourself to risk that. bc you love her#you love her too much to love her. cruel irony#and maybe if she wanted she'd text you. but maybe she's feeling the same way and is waiting for you. so you're torn#do you share your feelings honestly and risk hurting her or leave her alone and risk hurting...#would it be better if you made yourself the bad guy? would she hurt less if she believed you were as bad as you think you were?#would it be better if you told her a lie. that you moved on. that you didn't love her anymore. or would it break her heart?#all I want is for her to be happy. and I know I can't give her that...#and she shared her struggles to feel worthy... and I KNOW she's worth it all and more... a million times more than I could ever give her...#I feel like I gave her false hope and broke her even worse... she said I didn't hurt her. I don't believe her but I really hope it's true#I think I'll be thinking about her forever. wondering “what if”s till I die
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CW: vent in tags (I'm sorry idk Tumblr etiquette yet-)
unfortunately a lot of the corny self help advice turns out to be true but the thing is you have to come to those conclusions yourself otherwise it just sounds dismissive and dumb
#THIS IS SO TRUE!#I hear myself recommending advice I straight out dismissed#the magnus archives#tma#Mainly bcs even though I've gone thro similar things idk how to confort others (I don't know how I found comfort before)#It feels fake when I'm told to do it#And ig part of me doesn't want it to be true. To be that easy. Like what I'm feeling is real. It's not just a bit of low mood#It's depression and it's hurts me. It is a part of my life and I hate it#But it can't be fixed by just some deep breaths or positive affirmations right? It's more serious than that#I want to get better but part of me doesn't want it to be as simple as that because that would mean all that time I was just being dramatic#And what would it make all this? Pointless? Pathetic?#It feels fake anyways. Being told to do something. My brain's cynical so will find any and all flaws with the suggestion#And I just can't do positive affirmations. It's feels so so fake and like you're lying to yourself#And then it feels like you're being egotistical and self absorbed. Like oh look at me I'm so great and amazing. I just can't#I feel like I've gone off topic-#But like when someone else suggests something I can often dismiss it out if hand because I can list all the reasons it wouldn't work for me#But sometimes when you find it yourself - even if you know it's been recommended before - it works better#I guess it's because you've chosen to give it a try willingly?#Idk I'm still tryna find stuff that helps#Is this the kinda stuff you should post if Tumblr? What are the rules for like...vents ig?#This may be kinda triggering for some people uhhh content warning?#Shit but like you can't move tags so I can't add one at the top uhh-#Wait solution!#Okay well yknow sorry if you read all that and yea uhh imma head to bed now or pretend to :D
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the thing is that I think I am a pretty selfish and self-centered person, but I think that's mainly because everyone around me sucks so why would i give a fuck about them or their feelings and opinions
#the adas speak#my parents calling me selfish is like the pot calling the kettle black i fear#they're not wrong. but like. i truly do not care about you. not bc i'm selfish but bc you suck ass#maybe don't give a person dissociative disorders if you want them to care#i care about my coworkers. i care about my friends. i'm not a selfish person i just don't think everyone deserves my courtesy#sometimes i do do this to a fault and jump to conclusions. i acknowledge that#also i'm neurodivergent and was not socialized properly as a child so there are lots of things that just don't really occur to me#that other people consider basic manners. but that's not selfishness that's autism#i also think that when you've been treated like garbage and hated yourself for a hot minute#you just need a boss bitch era where you're the shit and can do no wrong. i'm partially there rn#i mean. i can do wrong and stuff but i also need to think i'm the shit and can do no wrong at the same time yk#bc otherwise these white people and my parents will just walk all over me. and i'm just far too fabulous for that#idk. i feel like it's 1) not that bad and 2) something i can work through#unlike *coughs politely* some specific bitches#i just need to be loved. what the hell is your excuse
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spent an hour making a list related to That Fandom, followed by an hour listening to the haunting vibe playlist, followed by an hour reading the fanfic we wrote about my band and crying actual tears bc it's the peak of comedy, followed by an hour thinking about all the things I've ever created that will never be seen by anyone either bc I don't know how to show them to people or bc people just think they're bad but either way I'll never know the true answer, and now it's 10.30pm and I've basically experienced the full spectrum of emotions: autism, existential crisis, silly, and the feeling of being unseen
#the list btw was working out which south park character canonically gets the most bitches. kyle btw#but yeah the 4th hour was typical after experiencing the adrenaline rush laugh attack high of the 3rd hour#(with an air of bittersweet nostalgia for the joys of 2nd year uni)#and the 4th hour was just thoughts of like. do you ever make the best thing you've ever made and then you don't know what to do with it#even if the thing itself isn't objectively Good. but it's still the best thing in comparison to everything else you've made#and for me it's the messily written script for that film i wrote#and the album I'd been recording since 2020 and finally finished at the start of this year#and like. both of them i spent so much time on and both were for my own enjoyment#like the process of making them is fun#but then once they're finished what do you do? do you show other people? or do you just keep it to yourself#keeping it to yourself is the safer option bc you don't know what anyone's opinion of it is#the only thing is that it feels trapped inside i guess? like you've just got it to yourself for no reason#at least put it somewhere. post it online or print/record it in physical form. so you have some way of proving it ever existed#but then if you do post it online there's only four options:#1. no one sees it bc they don't know it's there (neutral)#2. people see it and enjoy it and they tell you (good)#3. people see it and hate it and they tell you (bad)#4. people possibly see it but whether or not they engage with it you'll never know and no one says anything about it (????? worst option)#and you don't wanna be obnoxious about it by reposting it all the time so you just assume either people don't like it or just don't care#and then leave it#and it's not even anyone's fault it's just you have no idea where you stand with anything#and then that leads back to the question of why would you make something in the first place if all you're gonna do is finish it#if the process is enjoyable then just make small versions of it so the finish doesn't feel as wasted#more emphasis on the making experience. which is the fun part#idek what i'm talking about. does anyone get this#i'm not saying no one should ever make big things bc it's pointless or anything#but also what is the point in finishing something massive if it's just gonna be left collecting dust in your mind. and possibly storage#if it always feels like this i'm just gonna never finish anything ever again. and then everything will stay fun forever <3#ramble
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