#bc you never know who may benefit from your experiences and who may look at something as a sign

[tacobelle]

Do you ever get sad about it ?

I won’t answer the other question but yeah ofc I do but alhamdulillah for the pain that brought me to Allah and made me realise I am his creation too and any injustice should not be tolerated. I wouldn’t say I ever regretted my decision so it’s not that type of sadness but I do remember the things I went thru and I feel sad for myself lol. I think I’ve disassociated allot so I look back and see those memories as if it’s happening to someone else. I also mainly get sad for my parents bc it was them that spent nights sleeping in the car or on the hospital floor sitting with me whilst I got better and held me when I cried. I swear my mum literally nurtured me like I was a baby all over again. And I feel allot of their pain.

I remember the first morning I came back home and my Alarm went off at 10 and literally 5 mins later my eldest brother and my dad brought me breakfast to my bed (and it was fat much as well 😭) and my dad told me to eat his and not my brothers bc he waited longer for me to wake up so I can eat and I just crieddddd. He kept asking me why and I told him how even though I lived with a full fkn house of people, I haven’t had someone care or wonder if I ate or not for 6 fkn months. Later on I saw him praying and just weeping and it broke my heart. You or your parents never think there’ll come a day where you’re gonna sleep and wake hungry day after day, esp next to someone who’s suppose to take care of you and love you or fear that even though people may not get along with you, the basic human decency of caring for your well being is there but uno.. Allahu alam where was a year ago and where am I today allah always has a way out for you

So alhamdulillah for the sadness I feel bc I never makes me miss anything, it comes to remind me why I shouldn’t

[feistyvirghoe]

☆⋆·˚ ༘ * pick a card disclaimers ೃ🤍⁀➷

pick a pile u feel most called to, the one u cannot look away from, the one that is pulsing, go with your gut, always trust yourself, and if u feel called to more that’s cool baby boo! there’s more for u!

these are general and for a vast amount of ppl, don’t get ur undies all twisted up bc it’s not resonating, it’s normal and it’s fine, this just wasn’t for u! <3

these are extremely general timeless readings and they’re meant for entertainment purposes, please don’t take things so seriously and also realize my readings are for people above 18!

╰┈➤ ❝ [.ೃ࿐🀥 ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴏɴᴇ- major changes regarding your interpersonal relationships, how you guys interact with people and letting yourself experience new friendships, romantic relationships. I feel like your message here is to let go of what has been holding you down for so long. This energy of not wanting to see the good after you’ve been betrayed. Brighter days are ahead. It’s like the universe wanting you to see your real potential. They want you to see that you are capable of living a joyous life. You’re capable of being happy without feeling guilty or ashamed of yourself. You’re not the only one struggling mentally or in any other way. I feel like your guys are nervous to experience new things again because there’s this feeling of you being like “will this even last?” “Will this eventually be taken away from me like everything else?” I feel like you guys may need to move yourselves out of this period of thinking the same things will always happen. It wont! Especially when we believe and change our mindset surrounding this topic. You guys are being led into a newer direction. Somewhere where you feel you belong. Forming new relationships that’s re healthy and authentic with likeminded people who understand you. Things don’t have to happen so quickly so it’s always good to remember not to push yourself to fit into a mold you know will never work. This major change will lead you to your true calling/purpose, where you will be seen by the right people for you, it really is all for you. But i know we can get stuck in this negative loop or tormenting emotions that confuse us about ourselves. I’d say, what I’m seeing happening for you next is you feeling more hopeful about this new opportunity or just this general change you’re making or should be making for yourself. I also feel like you may be getting into a new partnership with someone. This person seems like they may bring a lot of positive encouragement and helpful advice to broaden your perspective. I feel like you’re going to be celebrating yourself and what you know deep down you were always capable of. You just need to see this fr yourself. That you’re an amazing, strong, independent person that achieve their goals on their own. We don’t really need people, but it’s not good to isolate yourself and hide because of your fears that are hindering you from moving on. I feel like you guys are also being shown that you can put your trust into certain individuals that respect you and wont betray you for their own benefit.] ❞

Affirmation - solar crown → i am decisive and wise. When action is required, i move swiftly with courage. When wisdom is necessary i step carefully with grace. I trust my intuitive wisdom to decide correctly.

╰┈➤ ❝ [.ೃ࿐🀥 ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛᴡᴏ-keep on going pile 2! If someone here is feeling like giving up, DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT! You seem to be so close to something. It seems like you guys have been working your asses off, to achieve a certain goal, or idea, it’s something that you can’t take your mind off of. The energy is so fast paced, like i just want to get into it, you all seem to be moving in the right direction. Using all the power you have within you to get to this thing of yours. I feel like it may have to do with work of some sort, it doesn’t have to be so extreme, but you’ve been putting in action or you need to put in that action. You have this spirit of persistence and not giving up on this decision. I feel like you guys know where you want to be. But it’s the moving, a lot of passionate energy here, man I don’t even think that this is something you can take your mind off. You’re just aware of what is needed, you shouldn’t hide what power you hold. There’s something about you guys being more in that masculine role, moving towards your purpose, which i feel is the theme of this entire reading, doing what you love to do without feeling ashamed of it. Yes this will take some of your time and have you very busy, but i think you moving and not staying in a stagnant place pumps up your energy. It could even be with building your strength within and outside of you. Taking better care of yourself, knowing your own limits and not falling off because of one setback. I feel like you guys are being shown that it’s okay to show off your talents and gifts. This light within you that you should never really repress, but don’t burn yourself playing with the flames. I feel like you guys really need to keep going, it’s just something about the messages coming out for you that are screaming at me to tell you to keep on moving forward. Leaving the unhinged shit in the past.

“I can heal now and always.” Another message that I’m getting is not pushing yourself to the point of burnout. That’s when it gets tricky, because you put your all into something all at once and then get weird results where you feel not good enough. But you are, you’re enough right now. No, you do not need to be where that other person is, i know working and working will tear you apart. You guys should give yourself a break from time to time to re-collect and realize that your healing journey will never look like or be anyone else’s but yours. It’s time to fight off these distractions and quiet that overthinking mind of yours. You can work and play as well. Don’t take everything so personally, know when it’s you and take yourself out of the equation. I feel like this full moon is helping you to own your full potential and understand that you are also in control of your life. Don’t leave everything up to chance and own your shush! You are an amazing powerful being and i want you to understand this deep down even if you feel different, you are fricking powerful, a goddamn badass! ] ❞

Affirmations - clairvoyant author → i am the author of my story, i am the author of my own narrative. I write the future in myself. I re-script negative self-criticism, and i narrate positive thoughts.

╰┈➤ ❝ [.ೃ࿐🀥 ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ- Right off the bat y’all, i truly feel like there is some sort of competitive, petty, jealous energy that is being projected your way. Either you already know this or you don’t to the fullest extent. But you guys seem so guarded and indifferent to this shit. I’m not sure if it’s one or multiple people projecting this towards you, but you don’t seem to be buying something or someone’s BS! Whatever this is, it’s extremely unhealthy, the energy is wonky and that’s probably how you feel. But this i feel has to do with some sort of relationship. I feel like you don’t want what this person has to offer, or there is an offer but you seem to be skeptical of it. Why do i feel like you’re being pulled in so many different directions, it’s like hard to make a choice. This confusion. I really hope you’re not with someone who’s trying to control you or even manipulate you into something you know is damaging for you. I feel like someone/something can’t let you go, there’s this energy trying to cling onto you. It feels like someone wants to block you from seeing your true potential. Because you are talented at something, you got the tools for whatever this may be, like you’re so fucking close. A chapter has ended, you have to decide if you want to walk away or keep repeating it with other people, but i feel like you already know that you should be taking things more smoothly. You can’t get up and go back playing kickball right after you sprain your ankle. It’s alright for you to rest and look after yourself. I feel like you guys need to let that wall down a little bit and remember the why, the why that made you get up and go after what you want every day even if its small steps. Small steps to creating a better social circle. Finding the right communities for you, engaging with people who get it. You don’t have to force anything or be anything to anyone but your most authentic self and i know we hear it all the time but it’s so true. It’s better to walk around knowing who you are instead of pretending to fit in. You don’t have to mold yourself. I feel like you guys should do some inner self-reflection and talk with yourself, journal, rage draw, whatever you need to do. Even crying, things are pretty intense. But I don’t want you guys to go around letting someone else try to influence you and tell you what to do, its reminding me of a Bret man rock video he was saying something along the line of “don’t tell me what to do BITCH!” lmao. But for real, don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do with your damn life. It’s like they want you confused about who you are as a person. People seriously need to contain this obsessive jealousy and just mind their damn business. I feel like you guys need to be more kinder to yourself and show more compassion towards you! You’re very abundant and have a lot headed your way, i just don’t wanna see you giving up, fuck what people say about you! What gives them the right to try and tell you about yourself, unless you really need the reality check but I don’t think so. I feel like people really want to try this group. Don’t let em, nuh uh uh uh. You’re self sufficient on your own nd you didn’t really need me to tell you that, but i see it. You can take care of your damn self. Fuck the projections and let yourself live. Even if shits not so great, LIVE! Try to put a smile on that face everyday, but also feel your emotions and acknowledge it. I feel like you guys may not feel the love but you are so so loved, pease remember that, and I’ll tell u, i love you! Mwah! ] ❞

Affirmations -

Embrace divinity → i am a loved child of divinity. Reality is a love story written for me. I sit silently and experience the loving embrace from my eternal mother. I store up the words of affirmation of my ageless father. The tender words that spoke my consciousness into existence to become me.

Observatory of the mind → i have a happy heart. Today will be full of joyful moments waiting for me to discover. My gratitude overflows from my inner self to those around me.

Empowering friendships → i select my relationships carefully and invest in them fully. I am the average of the people i spend my time with.

hiiii, hope everyone’s doing well, i know i know, im back lmao, and i didn’t forget about the other PAC, i just wanted to do this first. hope this helps w anything you’ve been going back and forth w, or any kooky energy that you’ve been wondering about, stay safe and don’t let anyone walk all over you! <333

[tododeku-or-bust]

i’d encourage you to be more explicit in how you define “white people” bc i’ve seen some whites who are black af. Whiteness in the us is an ethnicity and culture that supercedes race. Whiteness=/=white privilege necessarily, because nonwhites will appropriate whiteness for their benefit and the exertion of white power. This is what complicated relations with “mixed” ethnicities (lets not forget how african americans are very ethnically mixed) whose proximity to whiteness can vary: latinos, jews, MENA peoples, & creole peoples from the islands the world over. Let’s also consider how so many people of indigenous american descent who grew up in indigenous culture on indigenous land, may very well experience white privilege, yet equally so isn’t white. It is the behaviors of WASP culture/ethnicity that are so toxic to collective wellbeing

Okay, here we go:

i’d encourage you to be more explicit in how you define “white people” bc i’ve seen some whites who are black af.

I'd encourage you to never say this shit again lmao. Your point was damn near invalid the moment I read this bar. I decided to keep reading anyway, but this... No.

Whiteness in the us is an ethnicity and culture that supercedes race.

The idea of "white" as a race literally exists because ethnic groups of European descent (that normally hated each other, btw) had to come together and figure out what they had in common to make them better than the darkies that they wanted to exploit for land and labor. I understand that it is a culture in America (which is what I was talking about...), but it is a culture that came together, again, out of a necessity to bond and find a way to keep this new whiteness inaccessible to everyone else. They sacrificed many parts of their own individual cultures specifically to create this concept of a race. They're practically intertwined.

Whiteness=/=white privilege necessarily, because nonwhites will appropriate whiteness for their benefit and the exertion of white power.

Lord Jesus. "Appropriate" whiteness. Sigh. You're not wrong in that nonwhite people will exert what they've learned from whiteness, but that is not because they have the power. It's because they WANT the power. They seek access to the full power. They'll never have it because by design they're not meant to have it.

This is what complicated relations with “mixed” ethnicities (lets not forget how african americans are very ethnically mixed) whose proximity to whiteness can vary: latinos, jews, MENA peoples, & creole peoples from the islands the world over.

If you have to emphasize "mixed" that's evidence enough that you're not considered white. Please, truly, tell me how the white blood I got from my French and British descended slave owners offers me more proximity to whiteness as an African American in 2024. Because according to the census and how I'm treated by society, I am "Black af".

I'm not sure how you feel about it, but I'm looking at the world and absolutely none of those groups (except maybe Israelis rn, and even then, they're just a tool for white western goals) are currently benefitting as a whole from that proximity to whiteness. Because that was the whole point; to create a standard (Whiteness is the Bar) that everyone else will then fight each other to try to reach. And when we fight, none of us reach "that bar". None of us were EVER meant to reach it. It's just white supremacy working.

Also, this is why I said I was talking to White Americans specifically. Because I know it gets complex worldwide, and I didn't feel like going through this. I was specifically talking about whiteness in America.

Let’s also consider how so many people of indigenous american descent who grew up in indigenous culture on indigenous land, may very well experience white privilege, yet equally so isn’t white.

If they're growing up on reservations, they certainly aren't 😅 not from how I've read about those experiences! In general they can't speak their languages, can't wear their braids in school, can't get the cops to investigate shit, hell the entire land that is theirs was LITERALLY stolen and sat on by white settlers to this day 🤣 True White Privilege- Power- is when the media says you have the right to fight for your land and rights; the rest of us have to "get over it".

Like... I'm trying to hear what you're saying, and if you'd said "they have benefitted from antiblackness", I would hear you. Because that's true for the statement before this as well. Everyone benefits from antiblackness! But that's not inherently them benefitting from white privilege. It's why I mock people that try to play for white supremacy. They'll never be chosen! They're a tool!

It is the behaviors of WASP culture/ethnicity that are so toxic to collective wellbeing

Okay? Was all this just to say "not all white people"? You want me to say WASP culture from now on? What was your purpose here? I'm honestly confused. Perhaps I need to read what you've read to understand your perspective more.

[sporesgalaxy]

While we're on the topic of trans stuff, I hope it's alright if I ask a question!!

I know you had long hair for a while, and that you ended up cutting it all off, and I'm just wondering how you felt about it? Did you have any anxiety beforehand? How was it after?

Totally cool if you don't wanna answer ofc!! I hope ur doing okay :^)

Yes!! I was anxious, bc I wasn't sure how it'd look! But since a friend of mine was the one cutting it, when the moment finally came I had an attitude of like "well, we're making silly memories! who cares!" So it ended up being a lot of fun!

But I'd wanted short hair for YEARS before that, and for YEARS I was unable to work up the nerve to go ask a professional hairdresser to cut it. Didn't help that some family was politely discouraging me, but whatever. Point is, I had a lot of time to get used to/learn to fight off the anxiety lol, and in my experience waiting longer just kept me unhappy and uncertain longer!

The thing I tried to keep in mind is that hair grows back!! you can always grow it out longer again if you don't like it. Yes it will look awkward for a while if you do that, but to me it was worth finding out if I liked it shorter than I'd ever tried before! And I'm so glad I cut it now! If I'd never taken the chance, I'd never have known how much I like it this short!

Ok I'm going to ramble some more about the specific Functional and Sensory benefits I've found short hair had compared to long hair, for me anyways, but this is already quite long so. readmore upon ye

•••

People may tell you "ohh you'll have to fix your hair and put product in it every day when its short" but what they DONT tell you is that it is SO MUCH EASIER TO FIX YOUR HAIR WHEN THERE IS WAY LESS HAIR TO FIX!!

I can dump like 2 cups of water on my head and its wet, and it dries in like 30 minutes. Combing it is SUPER fast, slapping some pomade in it or whatever is quick n easy. "Fixing my hair every day" was a MAJOR factor in me being intimidated out of cutting it in high school, BUT IT NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN!!! I was FOOLED!!

Ummm ahh what else. I was worried I'd miss my long hair since I'd had it for so long and tended to fiddle with it a lot just to so aomething with my hands.

But from what I remember, I didn't miss much about my old hair after I cut it. I tend to like it being long enough on top to twirl between my fingers, and it wasn't at first so I missed that as a stim, but otherwise it really felt like getting rid of a burden!

I don't get it randomly tangled in things anymore, I don't have the Literal Weight On My Shoulders, I don't finding shedded hairs wrapped around things all the time, there is NOTHING in my face when I eat!!!!!!!!!! It has been MONTHS since I found one of my own hairs in my mouth!!!!! It is nigh impossible to get even the most treacherous pancake syrups in my hair!!!!!! It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also never DID anything with my long hair, because every time I tried anything more ambitious than a ponytail it would hurt my scalp more than I ever felt The Look was worth, so I didn't find myself missing any old hairdo possibilities either. I'm still not ambitious about styling it, but I don't have to be :) even for semiformal events :D it's awesome

[beesmygod]

What would you say is a good goal checklist for someone trying to move out from a restrictive homelife with their parents in the middle of the woods in Connecticut to a place with at least more interesting people and things to do? I have a bit of money saved up but I don’t have a real desire to live in a specific area, just anywhere but here. Dont have a reliable support network, i just bounce off most internet communities. Asking for advice because I envy your independence

thats a very sweet thing to say when i feel pretty pathetic lately lol.

i think it might be difficult because of how expensive and fucked up everything is right now, so much of my advice from 10 years ago may no longer apply :(

im a pathological worrier so i would try to have a lot of ducks lined up before i left so that i can acclimate to a new environment without the stress of having to burn through my savings. i would move somewhere within driving distance (even if that means staying there overnight or whatever) where you can see your living space for yourself (these zoom tours are huge bullshit lol) before you move. try to move near or with people you know. i got lucky in that my roommate experience was largely positive overall and taught me a lot. but if you dont want that, i would try to move somewhere where someone (a friend or trusted family) can check up on you if something happens. try to see the apartment later in the afternoon after school is out to see how loud the local kids are and if you can hear them through the walls lol

this area of the east coast seems pretty pleasant and the services are better than the majority of the country, so sticking around here wouldnt be a bad idea. i would file for any and all state benefits you qualify for ahead of time after you get an address so that when you have to fight with them about it it only takes one month instead of two lol. try to put 10% of you paycheck aside every month for savings and put it in an actual savings account. try and find a credit union if you can.

get on medicaid if you can and get a physical with the clinic that is going to be "your clinic" from now on. same thing with getting your teeth cleaned. same with behavioral health if you need it. there might be waiting lists to call early bc they dont get any shorter.

then i would start trying to get a job lined up. benefits can help tremendously in case its tough out there in the job market and it takes longer than you thought. once you move, take a few walks to figure out the "mood" of your neighborhood lol. i dont know how to describe this. but it will help you pick up on any local social mores or customs (that sounds too dramatic) or just the vibe of the area.

uuuh im trying to think of other things. the most indulgent advice i can give is hire movers every single time if you can afford it. be ready for them to be late. i never ever want to move ever again in my life i HATE the process of moving. i would walk over broken glass on the rim of a volcano if it meant other people would move boxes for me up and down stairs.

oh shit thats right. ok this is a matter of preference but remember these basic things when picking out an apartment:

do not get a ground floor apartment. thats only if you want to get randomly murdered or creeped on. also everyone who walks by will look into your apartment bc thats just human nature.

all of my apartments were on the top floor (2 or 3) which meant no noise from above. i loved this. but YOU must be the quiet one now.

the higher up the apartment the further you have to walk to take the trash down to the dumpster in snowstorms

i hope all of this helps. my restrictive family wanted to be introduced to my roommates ahead of time which was a little embarrassing but understandable as i was moving in with 3 men. when they immediately realized they were dorks, their hearts were at ease. your family may be the same (maybe) and if your roommates are up for it you can use it as a bargaining chip.

[ask-a-rare-person]

I have questions about agere as a person who wants to age regress.

one. How do you exactly like.. get into the brain or like mindset of a regressed child/toddler? I try to age regress whenever I feel very tired and exhausted from life but then I never seem to fit into the mindset. I don’t know if it’s the fact I was a more mature kid at a young age or maybe my Asperger’s but I just feel so exhausted and stressed and need an outlet or something to help relieve my mind and tiredness.

two. Is it normal if you feel odd or weirded out by the thought of using equipment or things that most people enjoy when regressed? Like I try to watch stuff like kid shows that help regress people easier, color, even try playing with kiddie toys. But I never seem to get regressed or even enjoy it if I tried to think like a child, instead feel like I’m making a fool of myself or just weirded out at the fact I’m doing it.

three. what is it like to be regressed, is it like spectating yourself acting and moving and living like a regressed child or is it some kind of spiritual kinda experience feeling? I just.. am very curious and want to know if I ever am able to regressed.

Of course! I’m glad you asked!

1.

I started doing it involentarily. And in public. So that really sucked, lol. I wasn’t even quite sure what was happening as I know very little about age regression but was quickly able to figure it out. I can’t explain how to get into it for the first time, as it just sort of happened for me. Some of my regression tirggers are thinking about past trauma, watching tv shows I used to watch or something I would have at the time, stuff like that.

The real benefit I get from age regression is trauma processing and making new “childhood” memories, both of which can be done without “true” age regression. You really don’t need to worry about doing it right or actually regressing. Just identify what you want from age regression and try to get it in any way possible. If you end up regressing, cool! If you don’t, what does it matter? I’d also recommend looking up age dreaming(basically pseudo regression without the headspace change) it would probably be a lot easier for you

2.

Right off the bat, I would say to take the idea of normalcy and throw it out the window. Just as general life advice, lol. Also, I felt that same way. It’s apart of our social programming to feel repulsed, ashamed, awkward, etc while doing something childish. What really matters is if you like it or not. Sometimes you’ll know that immediately, sometimes it’ll take some time. It’s possible you have a lot of built up baggage around acting childish, and that may need to be worked through before even having hope of regressing. Littles can be really…hide-y. Especially if your current headspace and ideas are inherently unwelcoming to them. Especially if your goal is *voluntary* regression. You probably will have to really be intensive about clearing out these insecurities before you can see a result like age regression.

3.

I would say it’s both at the same time. It’s something very beautiful and powerful, and it is apart of my religion as well. Not everyone in my community does it but it is considered spiritual because we are spiritual people who do things in spiritual ways. But honestly, I think even using spirtual in a non religious sense, yeah. It definitely is. I’d also compare it to a ratatouille experience.

Or maybe DID but instead of having different personalities, I just have different snap shots of myself living in my head. They come out when they want to and then I just sort of…observe. Once we were “co-fronting” (if I were to use system language bc tbh I don’t think singlet regressors have a word for this), I showed my little self soem of my drawings to see what they thought and they said “I’ve seen better.” So yeah, definitely something kid-me would have said and we were having a back and fourth conversation. This only happened once, though. This also involved a bit of….deep listening to even get an answer. Kinda meditative.

If you have anymore questions please let me know!!

[notjanine]

i'm comfortably into my two part time jobs and still training for my third job (which'll eventually be part time up to full time).

this third job is like... i referred to it before as my ~dream job~, but that's only half true.

i'll be getting to do thing i've always wanted to do, but under a broader umbrella that includes things i never thought i'd get into. for years, ppl have been telling me that i should try it bc i'd be good at it, but i just assumed i wouldn't be. but now that i'm like 1/3 of the way through my (intense, partly self-assigned, mostly self-directed) training... i might actually be REALLY good at this. it's much more medically complicated and interesting than i thought, plus would actually allow me to use the deep foundational knowledge of food that i built from the same passion that brought me to this field in the first place.

but boss told me i have to declare sub-specialty areas of expertise, so they know what kinds of cases to give me. i'm like. i just started my career. and my other two jobs are in a totally different and basically irrelevant area. i started building my bio for the website and i was freaking out bc the only areas i could think of were like. conditions/identities i have or my loved ones have. that's fake bullshit! experience does not equal expertise!

but then i remembered that my own perspective has driven my experience in preparing for this field. throughout my higher level academic practice, internship experience, and even formal recreational learning, i have consistently chosen to do work that revolves around these facets of my life. i once joked with my best friend that the running throughline of my gradschool experience was i love autistic people and fat people and trans people actually. i chose to focus on those things and developed expertise out of that love! and i also had to remind myself that sometimes it's not all about expertise. it's also about familiarity and comfort. when you have to be vulnerable with someone, having to educate them about the basics of your lived experience is an extra burden. if you don't have to worry about that, you can put more energy into working on the things that matter to you.

i do not love my chronic illness, however, but suffering can be a good motivator, so i have learned so much about it just so i can try to live with it. i have a pubmed alert set up to send me every new study about it for fucks sake. it's a weird little illness and most of the good data on it is very very fresh (<5 years), so it's hard to find a healthcare practitioner who knows how to treat it well. for example, my old doc put me on a treatment regimen that i now know--with MY expertise--may have caused permanent damage to my body! the benefits did not outweigh the risks! but it's standard therapy. it shouldn't be! and now i can be loud about that, with evidence that i can present to the people who make those decisions!

anyway, it's cool to know that everything i've been through is now benefiting me as a professional. and to know that my loved ones have not only supported me through all this, but also made me better so that i can help them and more people like them. plus, my job will put me in a position to argue work with doctors! which i was dreading, but now i'm kind of looking forward to!

i'm getting to a point where i've barely started my career but i can start to see how it'll go, pivoting in a different direction than i initially planned, but maybe one that'll be better! i worry that i will become a workaholic like my mom, but maybe again my illness will be a benefit, because maybe my body won't LET me do that. i'm excited to see what will happen! but for now, lemme get back to my studying.

[watatsumiis]

OFBFKDODBSJK Hello General!! I often see u in my notifs but until now I never knew how to interact with u

But the ask game! I wanna know everything but I don't wanna spam u sooooo I have 4 emojis, for every f/o please 🥹❤️

😍: Name your three favorite things about your f/o

😘: What’s your f/o’s favorite thing about YOU?

💤: Do you sleep together? If so, describe your sleeping positions and patterns (E.g. who steals the blankets, are either of you insomniacs, etc.)

💋: Where are your favorite places to kiss your f/o/where are their favorite places to kiss you?

Aaaaaand!

Do you have shipnames?

WAAAH HI THERE!!! i see you on my dash a lot and im always like. (looks shyly and waves at u from afar. but no closer bc im shy).

TUMBLES AROUND ON THE FLOOR EXCITEDLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH PLEASE NEVER WORRY ABOUT SPAMMING ME :D

ramblies below the cut ehe <3

😍: Name your three favorite things about your f/o

Ayato - His smug vibes, his voice, HIS LITTLE BEAUTY MARK <3 though also the fact he has so much experience in being in charge and making decisions is also very <3 to me. i hate making decisions

Capitano - mm,,,,, big,,,,, strongk,,,, nice,,,, (most of the things i actually like about him are Not Canon so im not sure whether or not to count them but if we are its his face (mm prety), his big hands (for holding) and his protective instinct asjkdf)

Zhongli - Dragon guy ,,,, his wide array of knowledge about lots of things, his voice

Diavolo - dragon guy (to me),, his optimism, his himbo tendencies

Lucifer - same as ayato -- the fact he is good at making decisions and taking the lead, his wiiiiings <3, his grey streaks (sob)

😘: What’s your f/o’s favorite thing about YOU?

i felt so narcissistic typing all of this section out sjkdhfkjd

Ayato - my willingless to actually sit down and listen to him talk about things that may not be inherently relevant or useful !

Capitano - maybe that i try to see others for more than what they are on a surface level and give people the benefit of the doubt when trying to hear their side ?

Zhongli - possibly my curiosity ? i come up with a lot of random questions that others may find silly or not question in the first place (my google history is such a mess because of it) and i think hed have fun just going into random tangents and infodumps because of my questions, and id love to listen <3

Diavolo - my ability to help reel him in when he's being unrealistic/making questionable snap judgements or being Too Optimistic(tm)

Lucifer - probably similar to ayato in that ill always listen to him no matter what - and that i tend to behave myself (for the most part. maybe)

💤: Do you sleep together? If so, describe your sleeping positions and patterns (E.g. who steals the blankets, are either of you insomniacs, etc.)

Ayato - often up super late into the night doing paperwork, though id imagine he finds a way to do some of them in bed, so we'll often end up with him sitting up, leaning against the headboard while im falling asleep next to him on my side with my back pressed up against his leg. id definitely hog the blankets because hed have these fancy sheets that barely keep out the cold. he just sighs and lets it happen. we wear cute matching pyjamas though so its ok <3 though when we're both asleep i imagine we end up spooning (hes big spoon OBVI)

Capitano - he probably pulls a lot of late nights for fatui stuff or whatever but i always try to stay awake to wait for him to get home bc im worried but end up falling asleep on the couch. he just wordlessly carries me to bed. we sleep facing each other and he has one arm draped over me while i curl up real small <3 though also the mental image of me trying to be the big spoon/jetpack is very very funny and would totally happen. oh my god i bet he snores SO loud though. and is really easy to accidentally wake up. if you drop something he jumps out of bed in a fighting stance kjhsjdkf

Zhongli - sleeps like a rock (ha). he basically just plonks down in the middle of the bed on his back, hands resting on his stomach like a mf corpse and leaves me to work around him. like he barely stirs even if i climb all over him. hes just like another pillow on the bed. his bedding is fancy but in a different way to ayato because theyre actually really really nice quality and soo comfy cozy. id probably end up laying on top of him, face-down with my head on his chest more often than not. mattress 2.0

Diavolo - he starfishes out across the middle of the bed in his full demon form, hes a blanket hog, he snores and talks in his sleep. probably sleeps in only boxers. he lets me lay on his wings and curl up close to him. he gets really super clingy at night though so sometimes itd be very hard for me to sleep much. he'll wake up from like a dead sleep and whine if i tried to move away to get comfy. we also have our own separate sets of blankets otherwise he'll leave me shivering at 2am curled up on the edge of the bed as he smacks me with his tail (I KNOW HE DOESNT CANONLY HAVE ONE LET ME DREAM)

Lucifer - We probably both fall asleep separately (or just doing the bare minimum of touches, holding hands or legs entangled a little) but tend to gravitate towards one another during the night. im a bit of a blanket hog but hes fine with it. he doesnt often sleep in his demon form or else i end up all night playing with his wings. soft. hehe. he also stays up very late but if i come to his study with a pathetic enough set of puppy dog eyes he'll cave and come to bed. and carry me there if im being lazy. hehe.

💋: Where are your favorite places to kiss your f/o/where are their favorite places to kiss you?

Ayato - Along his jaw and on his beauty mark!! but also his hands and forearms. he also gets a lot of nibbles im like a little rat <3 He gives a lot of ear, jaw and neck kisses.

Capitano - His face, if he has it exposed, is the number one target here I think. I wanna give him so many lil kissies <3. I'd imagine he likes giving forehead and top of the head kisses.

Zhongli - Listen. let me have my headcanons of a slightly more monstrous zhongli with scales and stuff. i like to imagine he has little scale-like markings/patches in soft/exposed parts (tummy, top of hands, that kinda thing) and i would give those spots many kisses. but also the tip of his nose because hed always do a cutely shocked look when i do. his favourite spot to smooch ? hands and shoulders i think, but also id imagine he likes giving little jaw kisses and collarbone kisses if theyre available <3

Diavolo - Cheeks and face!! but also shoulders and wings. and horns. and tummy. ehe. i think hed get all smiley and blushy and adorable when he's receiving smooches.

his favourite spot TO smooch requires a little explanation. the main sona of mine that i ship with him is an angel from the celestial realm, who has these sort of 'halo markings' all across his body (wrists, ankles, thighs, upper arms, tips of ears) and a few little teardrop-shaped markings on his cheeks that dia really likes to give little kissies to, as well as on his back right between his wings!! :D

Lucifer - he gets forehead kisses. and kisses next to his eyes and on his temples. he also gets a lot of nibbles on the wrist, knuckles and neck. i have this very vivid mental image of swooping in while hes doing boring work and smooching him until he stops frowning so much. its very cute. I think he'd like kissing the top of my head and pressing his face into my hair, but i think his favourite would be any pulse points, especially wrist and neck <3

Ship names

My name doesn't really go well with most of my favs (sobbing emoji) the only ship name im really happy with is 'Rowavolo' (which is me x Diavolo). I guess i could add 'Ro' to the end of Ayato or Capitano but it doesn't sound Right to me. comes off the tongue weird. so alas no ship names :<

[enchantechante]

What do you do when you find out the guy you were with was only using you for money and sex(we only had sex once,I was a virgin)? Like it's crazy to even put me through that.We discussed our life together every single day and made plans.We were working on different goals together specifically investing,buying houses to rent out etc.Three years wasted to find out he's full of shit.

He ghosted me out of no where and claimed I was who he wanted to spend his life with.We spent a day together and everything was good.Next day I was at work when he called but I missed his call so I called back.He told he got a lot going on and he was going to call me back etc.I never heard from him again but he's on IG talking about how he started his own business ,business going well,he had nobody to help him etc and I'm like wtf are you talking about? I was there when he was broke as a joke and getting on his feet. I'm happy for him but I don't really care. Why chase me down to be with me for over a year just to play with me and disappear?

*whew* Good morning, Anon ⛅️

What would I do? Abandon him like he abandoned me.

What kinda person can be that close to you and then treat you like a stranger? What would it benefit me to "follow" someone like that?

imo this is entirely too soon to be inking investment contracts together so ive never been in this situation. even when i was in a position to do this romantically and financially - going into business and trusting even a loved one to move how you move w your money should be done in small steps if at all.

esp if all yall did was "talk". bc "working on our goals" sounds too broad here. What does that look like irl?

And Im curious: Was this your plan? To loose your virginity, know him for a few years, finally date a year, then sign up for joint investments?

If not, you have to ask yourself why you went along with it? It may be that you let your emotions and ambitions influence you to over-invest in something you had no real-life evidence would be a sure thing.

For ex: just bc when *you* met him he began becoming financially stable (and likely talks a great game) it doesn't translate to he'll be a committed/transparent business partner or even give credit where credit is due when others wouldnt know the difference.

There may have been more things you turned a blind eye to on the off chance things coulda worked out.

If so, recognize that even if it wasnt a successful plan in a way - your experiences prepared you to be a more confident future-you. Even though you may feel (and could have actually been, its hard to know) used for years - you stayed. Which means you were receiving something. Even if it wasnt a fair trade - subconsciously you green-lighted it by staying. So even if its a hard lesson to take - it is yours and it can hold great value for your future success.

I would block him on my socials.

Get out a sheet of paper and write down: what attracted you to him, when and where yall met, and what lessons you learned. It dossnt matter how long it takes. let your emotions settle and confess soberly. take ur time to make it thorough and accurate.

find a fire safe area

and burn it.

and as it burns away, so with it does your obligation to be the woman you had to be to sustain it/him.

walk free. be entangled no more.

with him specifically. or with any situation that would have you repeat those lessons.

[cedence]

With 27 years on Earth, I feel like I'm finally learning something meaningful... You see?

1. We all have a breaking point that makes us mean. It speaks of unmet needs - learn your own cues and triggers, and how to request or precure or plan what you need in these moments. You get to take up that space and it may be better for everyone that you do.

2. We cannot always meet others or be met by others how we want or as our best selves. But keep working on ourself and apologise, and every step we take towards building this experience of life for our first time will be okay.

3. There are few missteps in life where shaming someone else or yourself is the appropriate response. (Shame: a personal belief that you as a person are wrong to exist, worthless, etc. making you feel a whole range of uncomfortable emotions often spiraling into harmful behavior or thoughts bc you did something "wrong" )

4. Guilt is a compass. It tells you where your violated your own love. (Unlike shame, guilt is redeemable.) It is okay to know you've made a mistake. Know you can always apologise and change your behavior to show you have learned for yourself and others.

5. There are no bad emotions. Labelling them as such adds meaning to them that may not be there. The more I let a cry be a cry my body needed to let out, and an anxiety attack a gathering of too much tension and energy that needs to be let out and depression a cue that I'm not doing what I need to be actively happy - I keep in touch with my ever changing self, and I know what must happen to feel something different in the future.

6. There is always a narrative. Pick it apart until you see it. I learned this with the example of fortress conservation and luxury brand marketing. Fortress conservation is conservation where people are not allowed to use the area established as conserved. It is usually praised as a "win for the environment" but it oftenmost takes place in a) areas far from my land, B) pushing small communities or families reliant on it for survival, out of the area. It is in the big picture an injustice often done against indigenous people or minorities to make western countries feel better about the state of our world (that we caused!) For fashion: all garments holds a web of stories. Advertisement tells you you'll be chill or mysterious or attractive if you wear x brand or line, that x is classy, that this is what you'll represent if you wear something they sell. This is flawed as you contain all your values at any time. Insta tell you looks gain attraction. Fashion can still be a way to express it and belonging to groups in society, but as much as fashion is a statement, the creation of a garment represents the reality of our world across the globe. It represents people, children, families, natural resource use, animals, pollution, power dynamics, waste. It represents humanity in so many ways - the good and the bad - while most of us just see ourselves and what it can do for us before we discard it and buy a new one. Who does this narrative benefit? Who are not allowed space at the table at this level of dialogue?

7. Our ideas of ourselves die a hundred times during our lifetime as we are shaped into different human beings. It is okay to let go of the sides of yourself you loved, and heal the ones that struggled. Do not grasp for anything that was not meant to stay. It will cause unnecessary internal conflict. Yet, grieve the loss and celebrate the wins. Be brave in the exploration of who you are and want to be!

8. Who they think you are is not as important as who you feel you are, and coming to like yourself. Most people will never know you in any depth and they will meet you with the lense of a society that dislikes anything out of a slim idea of normal. They will meet you with their personal preferance and stories and IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE LIKED BY EVERYONE. You don't even like everyone, yet you do not hate them or wish them ill. It's okay to know something is not your taste and leave it at that. Everyone contributed towards different values in our society.

9. Discipline is showing up and doing it no matter the result. The result is not that important. Don't stay attached to a specific outcome preventing you from practicing in the first place.

10. Do that thing you always postponed. Do the thing you're waiting to do that feels like YOU even when you have to do it alone and everyone else doubts you.

11. There is no true competition but the one against your current self shaping into a new self of who you want to be.

12. Don't value consumption. Value the purpose a tool fills in your day, and know it can be filled in many ways looking very differently. One need not be more right than the other. Give this same thought of space to everyone around you.

13. Ask yourself frequently: is this thought mine or is it one parroting the voice and/or believes of other people? If it is not mine, why do I believe it? Do I want to believe it? Do I have to keep believing in it? - > Find an alternative healthy thought to swap it out with if no. Fx. "doing x is bad for my health and I will die" - > "I trust in my body's ability to heal itself"

14. Ask yourself when online: is this opinion actually about me or does it just feel like it because I perceive their content as 'spoken to me'? If I feel under attack and unsafe, why? What are the arguments I use to defend myself against these uncomfortable feelings. Are they productive? Are they my personal opinions or someone I heard? Am I seeing things more clearly now that I have taken a step back?

15. Unconditional love is the highest self.

16. You staying small is not goodness. Step into your own power. Live your life and not what someone else wanted for you.

17. That story you retell in your head about your own suffering and who you are - it's not always correct. We create stories to fill gaps and make sense of events we do not understand. We jump to conclusions without all the facts.

18. Color outside the box. Experiment with different things until you figure what resonates.

19. Collect FREE trinkets if you have a inner hoarder goblin. But make them memories, like a pressed flower, a stone from a vacation spot, a photo you print out, the plushie from your childhood. A feather. The empty container of your favorite product. Evey one carries a happy memory and transports you right back when you see it.

20. Often we do not react to something we fear in the present with a clear mind. We react to it with our last worst experience with it. We're remembering the way it made us feel then, making us confuse it with how we feel now.

21. Our perception of abundance is not in our power of consumption, but in our mindsets about what we need versus have access to in a way we deem acceptable.

22. We live in a society that actively breeds illness, no step towards better health is shameful or wrong because it is "alternative" or different than mainstream values. Just keep in mind who's believes or cultures you touch while doing so and staying respectful. Always.

23. The more you know your own truth, the less other people's affect you.

24. Sit back. Take a deep breath. Marvel at where you're at. No matter where it is, being alive is our biggest adventure yet.

25. Deal with the issue or task at hand now. Don't wait for later if you have a choice.

26. Being friends with people with different opinions is good. It helps you clarify your own, and you get to learn more about different worldviews.

27. A solution does not look the same for everyone, everywhere. There is no need policing that right and wrong is a strict line of do you believe in abc or not. You can believe in ac and think B would be better as d here. Hold the space for thoughts and explorations and reality. We are not necessarily opposing each other because we believe in slightly different ways there.

[graciecatfamilyband]

I could not be more grateful that @buriastorm specifically addressed this (and did a great job), particularly bc of her post she linked about how secular Jews can be overrepresented and/or poorly done. It's intimidating to add to but:

1. Even try most secular Jew may do something for certain Jewish holidays, going home for the high holidays or eating matzo ball soup, going to a Passover Seder (which can look all sorts of ways- I've seen people do quickies with children's books), etc.

The romance novel One Last Stop did a great job cluing us in that a minor character was Jewish with a reference to their celebration of Passover and, I think, a few other things scattered in. It didn't tell us whether this character was or wasn't "religious" or "secular" (I don't remember the references exactly, but the behaviors would be equally possible for a religious or secular Jew), but that also wasn't relevant; it just let us know the character was Jewish and added to the multicultural cast of the story.

2. One thing that's been nagging at me about this ask is... Why is it important that this character be both secularly Jewish AND know very little about most religions? What are you doing with them in the story, anon? 🧐

I assume that you have good intentions, and I may be over-worrying here. But part of me is like "please don't be using your Jewish character as someone who 'needs' to be educated about religions, please don't be using your Jewish character as someone who 'needs' to be educated about religions, please don't be..."

I think there are ways a Jewish character can be non-religious and not know a lot about most religions that can work in a story that won't be cringey... but I am concerned about the potential for cringiness or worse if the Jewish character somehow needs to be educated about religions for their own benefit. And that also leads me wondering- which religions? And to what end?

And if they are "educated" in the story, how does that translate into their relationship with their Jewishness- does it make them double down and be like, "no, that's not how MY religion"- (the one they maybe haven't identified strongly with til now)- "that's not how MY religion works"? Does it make them appreciate/push them closer to their own religion/culture? Are they so disinterested in religion as a concept that they don't really care? Are they so steeped in their own tradition of questioning that they ask an absolutely annoying (to the other) characters amount of questions about the other religion(s) and want to keep debating when no one else does, or when debating was never the point? Are they having trouble with the idea that other people don't pick apart and question their religious traditions? (Also: Are they facing blowback that they shouldn't want to light Hanukkah candles or celebrate Rosh Hashanah because they're secular?)

Please don't "educate" a Jewish character on other religions only to have them focus on that religion itself; their Jewishness, even if that Jewishness is very secular, is always going to interact with how they relate to that religion. Also, please consider what @buriastorm said that for Jews, theism (belief in God) and religious practice may not be directly linked. Also, theism (belief in God) in Judaism does not always equal reverence for or worship of God (some Jews believe in God and are PISSED at Them), and the idea of HaShem (God) maybe very different from how other religions (Christianity) views God, in ways that make comparing and contrasting religions or religious experiences difficult, particularly with Christianity.

If your Jewish character is going to be used to give the audience more information about religion or a religion, why are you choosing your Jewish character specifically to get that done?

If them not knowing much about religions is a major part of the plot or their role in the story, you may need a sensitivity reader to make sure you're not educating the poor, ignorant Jew who just needs to learn about the real or good religions- even accidentally. (Again, I'm assuming excellent intentions on your part, but we are all susceptible to not thinking about implications, etc.)

Also, this should go without saying, but please please please don't convert your Jewish character, or have your character realize that other religions are superior, etc etc.

3. The thing is, if a Jew is living in a Christian culture like the United States, they're going to know some basic facts about Christianity because it's inescapable. People are also going to have tried to educate them about Christianity. This means they may also have a relationship of some kind with Christianity, even if it's one of annoyance or indifference. They're not usually that interested in Jesus. They often don't feel a need for more Christianity education; they've absorbed a lot from the culture, even from people trying to convert them, etc etc, and they're good thanks. All of this doesn't mean they have a good understanding of the theology or theological nuances, etc, but yeah.

Any tips/resources for writing a Jewish character as an unreligious person who knows very little about most religions?

I don't have any, sorry. I'm not Jewish myself, so I don't have any personal experience with this. You can keep an eye on the reblogs to see if anyone can give you some first-person perspective. Other than that, you might try Googling "non-religious Jewish person" to see if anything comes up.

Good luck in your research! ♥

[thaenad]

I see a lotta posts like "your feedist partner should be allowed to purposefully lose weight" and yes...technically. But these posts neglect to mention that losing weight on purpose is a very very serious risk to both physical and mental health. The only reason a person should be losing rather than maintaining is if they are forced to for surgery etc. Treating losing like it's nothing speaks of a distance from fat activism & current science. Also of not realizing how permanent gaining is.

I think about this a lot. I agree that the community should be more educated about the risks of intentional weight loss - but there is a lot that we don’t know. I don’t know how the average person dieting compares to a feedist who has been eating more than their natural body/appetite calls for, deciding to cut back - meaning they’re making less caloric food choices not necessarily restricting themselves but simply eating what they normally would eat without the motivation to gain. Would their body return to a smaller set point? I think it’s possible. But this specific scenario has never been studied.

To those who may not know: The issue with traditional dieting/restriction is that you are ignoring your body’s natural hunger cues and eating less than your body needs, so it slows metabolism, increases cravings bc your body is trying to save you from starvation. It also places moral value on food, saying you shouldn’t eat this or that or a certain amount surrounds “bad” foods with feelings of shame. You cannot control your body the way that diet culture claims you can. Most people who diet end up gaining the weight back (and then some) because 1. the starving body fights to save energy and 2. it fosters an unhealthy relationship with food. And it traps folks in this awful cycle bc diet culture puts shame/blame on you if you cannot keep the weight off. You “failed” because you were not resilient or disciplined enough. That’s all a load of bullshit. This is a 72 BILLION $ industry, folks.

This has been studied over and over again, but only in non-feedists. Non-feedists who get to be superfat usually (not always) gain that much weight because of a history of dieting, trauma, and an unhealthy relationship with food.

Plenty of feedists may have gone through these experiences too, but I believe there is a big difference between the relationship to both food and their bodies that set feedists apart from diet culture.

I can’t speak on this because there’s a lot of grey area. I’m not going to tell anyone not to lose weight.

I will say this: be aware of the risks, know that intentional weight loss through restriction & strenuous exercise are hard on your body both mentally and physically. Know that permanent weight loss has not been attainable for the vast majority of dieters.

Only you know your body. Listen to it. I think it’s okay to experiment and figure out what feels right for you.

I think everyone would benefit from practicing intuitive eating. Look it up if you aren’t familiar with it! I do think that upholding diet culture directly clashes with fat liberationist values. There’s a lot that the feedism community still needs to unlearn in terms of weight science and stigma.

Thank you for opening up this discussion!

Be careful everybody ❤️

[finalgirlbuffysummers]

In one of your tags so you said you went to a women's college. May I ask what it's like? 👉👈

of course! So i'm not gonna specify which school I go to but it's one of the Seven Sister Schools. I really enjoy being a part of that legacy of education and feminism, I love the alumnae network of successful women that is available to students during school and post graduation, (they are eager to help you), I love that all resources are allocated to women, therefore setting them up to succeed in fields that are dominated by men. We don't have to worry about competing with men for resources or facing sexism in the gym, sports teams, classroom, etc. The point of these schools is to empower women. I do have some men in my classes and i see them on campus because we partner with neighboring co-ed colleges, but mostly its other female students in my classes. I never feel like I'm being talked down to, or that my intelligence is being dismissed. I feel listened to, I feel supported, and I feel really safe on campus, even at night. It's a really great learning environment. I feel like I can really focus on my studies, i feel like I belong. Its also really nice to live outside of the male gaze. Because I know that there aren't many men on campus I feel way less pressure to wear makeup. I think about my appearance less, I think about how I look to men way less, because they're simply not there. Unlike most other places in society, I don't have to consider men. Its great to be in community with women where we can bond over our shared experiences, and make connections so we can do well later in life. There is also a really big gay community at my school (and at a lot of women's colleges), which is so awesome, being in a space where gayness is normalized and we don't have to worry about homophobia from our peers (usually). To talk a little more abt the culture, if you want to go to events/parties/classes with men that is usually an option bc of partnerships with other schools or just simply proximity to a city or whatever. I have lots of guy friends at other schools and I regularly party with men. It's not hard to find a guy to date if you want to. Ik some ppl care abt that, myself included haha. We also have a lot of cool traditions that everyone participates in! Last but not least, i will say that im a white student at a predominantly white institution (PWI) as most womens colleges in the US are. Therefore, I have the privilege of not having to deal with issues of racism and exclusion like POC students do. This college was not built to exclude people like me, whereas students of color could not attend until decades after its founding. When I talk about female solidarity on campus and how much I enjoy it, I have the privilege of experiencing it first without having to consider my race, or that fact that others may exclude me or inflict aggressions against me bc of race. While culturally and institutionally PWIs have a lot to work on, at my school we do have cultural centers on campus and Black and Latinx exclusive housing for those who wish to live there.

But yeah these are some of my thoughts! (I'm a sophomore btw). Honestly its great being around smart, strong, badass women all the time and making incredible and deep friendships with some of the best people I've ever met.

Sorry this is so long but if you are looking into attending a women's college I really really really recommend it!! there are so many benefits. also feel free to dm me if you have any questions!!

[bisluthq]

hi nat! i know you don’t believe in kaylor anymore, but i wanted to send in my kaylor/joshlie theory, just as food for thought and fun speculation.

CW: ED

background:

back in 2017, i made a new friend. i quickly became kinda obsessed with her. i idolized how tall and skinny she was, her radiant sunshine-like presence, and the way she was so much cooler than me. something about her just drew me in like a magnet.

one day she told me that she was “bi-curious,” and i felt the unexplainable urge to tell her that i was queer too��so i did.

thus started our intense homoerotic friendship. we talked about everything, and she was rather touchy and flirty with me (we even hooked up a few times). but she was hung up on this dude who she’d been in a long-term off-and-on relationship with. looking back, i think she saw me as a willing participant in her experimentation phase—a source of casual fun while on a break from her ‘real’ relationship (plus, i came with the added bonus of helping her figure out her sexuality a bit).

meanwhile, i was serious about us because i was in love with her. as such, the relationship was obviously very unhealthy: neither of us had appropriate expectations of the other, and because of the imbalance in our level of commitment/love, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of my friendship in ways that only increased my obsession with her. naturally, our friendship eventually imploded.

i think the kaylor story may look similar.

my theory on kaylor:

i think that kaylor had a very similar friendship as me and my friend. their connection obviously started out as pr, but they ended up getting along well and bonded. thus started their genuine friendship.

i think that their eating disorders were likely a strong source of bonding/connection for them, as this was the case for me and my friend as well. i wanted to emulate how skinny my friend was, just how i think taylor wanted to emulate how skinny karlie was. (remember the vogue best best friends video, in which taylor complemented karlie’s “shiny abs.”) this is obviously an unhealthy place to start a friendship: from day one, you are on uneven ground, where one person is essentially worshipping the other and seeing them as a god-like figure to emulate.

imagine that taylor in that sort of mindset with karlie. and on top of that, she’s attracted to karlie—obsessed with her skinny body, her sunshine-like personality, how sophisticated she is, how effortlessly successful she is, etc. she develops an infatuation with karlie. she wants to take karlie to big sur with her and play 1989 on the way, and she’s so obsessed with karlie that she wants to tell her the truth about the 1989 muse. (trust me, it’s feasible—i told my friend shit i’d never have even imagined confessing to another human, all because of how infatuated with her i was.) so taylor and karlie sit down, have an intensely emotional conversation about how taylor is bi, how the pressures of staying closeted gut her every day, how her relationship with the 1989 muse dianna was so full of strife due to closeting, etc. /// or maybe taylor feels that she must disclose her bisexuality to karlie before the big sur trip. she’s terrified that if she doesn’t tell karlie she’s bi, then karlie will somehow find out. and taylor’s afraid that then, karlie will be creeped out that a ~predatory lesbian~ invited her on a three-month sleepover, leading to the demise of their friendship. so taylor must avoid that outcome – so she must come out to karlie.

so, for either reason i described, taylor comes out to karlie. considering how scared taylor is to come out to karlie (since it might ruin their friendship, or karlie might maliciously out her to others now that she knows, etc.) and considering how generally poor taylor’s mental health was at the time, the coming out inevitably evolves into an intensely emotional conversation about taylor’s fears, insecurities, the pressures of being a closeted mega-celebrity, etc. perhaps karlie feels compelled to match the level of emotion and vulnerability, motivating her to tell taylor “i’m questioning if i might be a little bi too.” or perhaps taylor’s level of earnestness and rawness stirs up the illusion of intense emotions inside of karlie. so, karlie “comes out” to taylor – confessing that she’s questioning/bi-curious (for context, i think karlie is kinsey 1). /// (to show the validity of this possibility – this is how evangelical churches, such as the one shown in the 2006 documentary “jesus camp”, are able to convince children that they’re being overcome by the holy spirit, being prompted by god to break down in tears, etc. – psychologically speaking, when people are put into highly intense emotional situations, [such as taylor breaking down while coming out to karlie], their brains will feel inadvertent pressure to match the level of emotion. as such, their brains will either exacerbate existing relevant emotions, or create the illusion of relevant strong emotions. [this is probably especially true for karlie, since she is an empath and a people pleaser.]).

thus starts the “friends with occasional benefits” stage. karlie views the relationship as something casual, something that gal pals do sometimes, something fun to experiment with while she and josh are on a break, and maybe with the added bonus of helping her figure out if she’s actually a little bit queer.

but taylor falls hard. as i already said, i think taylor was infatuated with karlie’s personality, success, and skinniness. that’s why taylor is willing to engage in such an unhealthy and un-reciprocal relationship: she’s willing to tolerate josh’s presence, because her brain is so fixated on karlie that she’s willing to endure anything for her. taylor may even recognize that kaylor is doomed, but she’s so in love/obsessed that she can’t bring herself to care about anything other than the utter infatuation she feels in this present moment. (this was true of me and my friend – my friend would literally vent to me about her long-term on-again-off-again boyfriend, and i was willing to endure it because of how obsessed with her i was.) or maybe taylor’s somewhat in denial about josh. (this was also true of me and my friend – i had such a hard time conceptualizing that she had feelings for the man that my brain, to some extent, refused to fully grasp the reality of that.) or maybe taylor was even in denial about how intensely she loved karlie, convincing herself that she just really valued her platonic friendship (i also did this – it took me months to admit that i had a crush on my friend and admit that my level of obsession wasn’t normal gal pal behavior – even though i was already out to myself.) also keep in mind the eating disorder dynamic here – taylor looked to karlie as an idol regarding how to eat healthy, exercise, be skinny, and be successful. the mindset of people engaged in eating disorders tends to be obsessive and unhealthy to the extent of being willing to ignore reality / unknowingly refusing to accept reality, possibly including the reality of josh, if taylor feels like her skinniness is dependent on her connection with karlie.

so basically, karlie sees this as a gal pal fling, friends with the occasional casual benefit. taylor, conversely, is infatuated with karlie. one thing that really confirms this for me is kissgate. taylor was liking kaylor shipped tumblr posts shortly before kissgate – she obviously was feeling something for karlie that night. but karlie wasn’t committed to taylor to the same level – yes they (allegedly) made out, but karlie made out with josh immediately afterwards. /// to taylor, kaylor is a ship, an endgame. but to karlie, taylor is just a fun little pit stop, and she’s gonna go make out with her real boyfie immediately after.

eventually, the friendship inevitably implodes, leading to their breakup in 2016. some straw finally breaks the camel’s back on this relationship which was unhealthy and doomed from day 1.

now let’s look at lyrical evidence from repuation that supports my theory.

lyrical evidence from reputation:

ready for it

the bearding anthem. verses “he” are joe, as confirmed by the music video. chorus “you” is her fantasy idealized version of long-term kaylor.

there’s a reason that the “you” relationship (in the chorus) is happening IN HER DREAMS and not in real life – she pines for this committed and serious relationship with karlie, but that’s not reality.

but taylor has hope that it might happen – “i know i’m gonna be with you, so I TAKE MY TIME.” she imagines they’ll be friends-to-lovers, and she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage

this is a stretch, but “thief”/“robber” may refer to how she’s “stealing” karlie from josh lol. “touch me and you’ll never be alone” may also be a cheeky reference how taylor was like a temporary placeholder for josh – when karlie felt alone bc she and josh were on a break, taylor was like “touch me karlie, to keep you occupied while josh has left you alone. and oh yeah, if you end up in a relationship with me, then i promise that you’ll never be alone, bc i will commit to you, unlike that josh boy. i will be so much better than him, if you just let me.”

end game (but only the chorus/verse which taylor wrote)

“i WANNA be your endgame” – taylor is not in a committed relationship with karlie. as karlie sees it, they’re just fooling around. but taylor wants more than that: she wants to be karlie’s endgame.  

“you and me would be a big conversation” bc they’re gay. (sorry joseph matthew alwyn, this line is not about you)

“i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” may be a reference to how karlie is gal pals with plenty of her female friends (example – her platonic yet very affectionate relationship with toni garrn). but taylor wants more than that – she wants their touches to be romantic rather than just platonic/occasionally casually sexual.

“i don’t wanna hurt you” – taylor fears that she’s bad news for karlie (a sentiment repeated in the first line of delicate, the bridge of i did something bad, etc.). this may be internalized homophobia – the predatory lesbian falls in love with her pure/innocent straight best friend and then corrupts her with homosexuality.

“but i ain’t tryna play” – taylor wants this relationship to be more than just the occasional fun/playful/casual hook up. she wants to be karlie’s end game.

“i hit you like ‘bang’, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn’t” may refer to the first time they hooked up. it was unexpected, just happened so suddenly (“like ‘bang’”). and they were just going to put it past them – sometimes friends hook up, it’s whatever. but taylor can’t move on from it.

“your body is gold” – self-explanatory. karlie is the gold rush girl, after all.

“you’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks” reminds me of how i used to try to communicate my seriousness/love to my friend, but she’d laugh it off and assume i was joking. conversely, perhaps the “trick” is that taylor is pretending that she’s not super invested in karlie—maybe karlie is catching on to the fact that taylor is infatuated with her in a ~gay way~. taylor denies it, but karlie calls her bluff on that statement.

“here’s the truth from my red lips” – but in the music video, her lips aren’t red when she says this line. this may allude to all of the lying involved in her relationship with karlie (such as lying about just how in love with karlie she really was). or taylor may have her lips a different color because the truth has changed from the time she wrote this song to the time she’s filming the video – when she wrote this song, it was true that she wanted to be karlie’s endgame. but by the time rep era is here and they’re filming this video, the kaylor friendship is over, and it is no longer true that taylor wants to be karlie’s endgame.

i did something bad

just like in “ready for it”, i think the verses primarily refer to bearding (or maybe calvin/kimye, idk), but the chorus is about karlie.

“they say did something bad / then why’s it feel so good” – it is bad that she slept with karlie despite the fact that karlie is in a complicated long term relationship with josh. but the sex felt good ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

“and i’d do it over and over and over again / IF I COULD” – this implies that taylor only did ~the bad thing~ a few times, and she was unable to do it more times, even though she wanted to. this lines up with my theory that she and karlie hooked up a few times (casually in karlie’s eyes), but taylor wanted it to be more than just a few times (she wanted to be karlie’s endgame). but they couldn’t get to that committed place of routinely having sex bc karlie was still low key hung up on josh.

this is a very unlikely reach but – “he says ‘don’t throw away a good thing’” – “he” might be josh speaking to karlie about their relationship.

in the bridge, taylor says that she is a witch being unjustly burned. the witch is burned because she is being accused of the sin of dark magic – this parallels josh accusing taylor of being a witch who committed the sin of sleeping with his girlfriend, or maybe even the sin of “corrupting” the pure straight girl karlie. furthermore, the bridge invokes religious imagery of purgatory. and tbh, religious imagery is almost always gay xoxo.

don’t blame me

“don’t blame me, love made me crazy” again implies that taylor has committed a sort of ~crime~, such as the ~crimes~ i just mentioned regarding the don’t blame me bridge.

“my drug is my baby” – the drug reference makes me think of dependency. the obsession and infatuation i experienced with my friend (and that i suspect taylor experienced with karlie) is sort of like a drug dependency – and just like a drug dependency, the need for each other is not reciprocal (the drug does not need you back).

“shaking, pacing, i just need you” implies that taylor does not have “you”, which is consistent with my theory that she wanted kaylor to be endgame whereas karlie was only willing to doing occasional gal pal hook ups.

“for you, i would cross the line” / “they say she’s gone too far this time” – sleeping with josh kushner’s ~innocent straight~ girlfriend certainly crosses a line, lol.

“i would waste my time” – as i mentioned in my ready for it analysis, taylor hopes that kaylor be friends-to-lovers. she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage, even though she recognizes that the relationship is doomed and thus a waste of time.

“my name is whatever you decide” – we don’t have to “girlfriends.” we can just be “friends with benefits” or “gal pals” or whatever name you decide, because i am so desperate to have you at all that i will accept you in any form.

“i’m insane, but i’m your baby” – acknowledging that this unhealthy relationship/infatuation she has with karlie is “insane”

“halo hiding my OBSESSION” – “obsession” (!!!!) (that’s what i’ve been saying kaylor was!!!). also, “halo” is a religious metaphor, and religious metaphors are always gay xoxo. and this is a reach, but as a victoria’s secret angel, karlie wears a halo.

“i once was poison ivy, but now i’m your daisy” – i’m sorry, but i’ll never get over the fact that karlie tagged the daisy as taylor, and then taylor drew a picture of a daisy in an identical position above the word “daisy” in the handwritten lyrics.

“for you, i would fall from grace / just to touch your face” – religious metaphors are gay xoxo!

delicate – unsure if this song is about karlie (i think it’s more likely about lily or even joe), but if it is about karlie, it does align well with my kaylor theory.

“this ain’t for the best” – doomed relationship due to josh, corruption of straight girl, karlie won’t commit, etc.

“we can’t make / any promises” – karlie can’t commit to taylor like taylor wants/needs

“is it cool that i said all that? is it chill that you’re in my head? cuz i know that it’s delicate” – is it cool that i have gay feelings for you, bestie, because i know we’re toeing a very delicate line between friends and lovers?

“third floor on the west side” – iirc, the master bedroom of karlie’s west side apartment was on the third floor

“do the girls back home touch you like i do?” – contrasting platonic girls’ touches to the type of touch taylor is giving her. (similar vibe to “i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” in end game)

“stay here, honey, I DON’T WANNA SHARE” – i don’t wanna share you with josh

“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” – implies that karlie is not hers all the time (because she’s josh’s)

“i like you …… i want you” – taylor is Yearning™ for a deeper/more serious relationship with karlie

look what you made me do

i don’t think this song has much substance, but it may draw on themes/emotions from the kaylor friendship break up.

“i don’t like your games” – i don’t like how you led me on, making me feel like we could be forever when, in reality, you were never going to commit to me because you loved josh

“don’t like your tilted stage” – this reminds me of the power imbalance i mentioned earlier: taylor was obsessed with karlie and idolized her. karlie did not reciprocate this dedication and infatuation. because taylor’s love for karlie is so much more intense than karlie’s love for her, the metaphorical scale is imbalanced, making it tilt.  

“the role you made me play, of the fool” – you made me out to be a fool, ready to confess my undying love even though you could never reciprocate. // furthermore, the “role” may refer to how they had to act like platonic girl squad besties as per their pr arrangement (reminds me of how karlie publicly said “taylor and i are still besties” after karlie’s name wasn’t on the junior jewels shirt in the lwymmd mv, how karlie promo-ed the “Me!” filter on Instagram, the song closure, etc.)

“your perfect crime” – the crime of sleeping with taylor despite being low key still with josh

“i got smarter” – i began to realize how unhealthy this warped and imbalanced friendship was

“you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out and threw a feast” – this may refer to karlie had a ~designated bestie sleepover room~ in taylor’s house, and that enty blind about how karlie used taylor’s credit card and that caused a feud lol

i do not think that “so it goes” is about karlie – it’s too reciprocal. i don’t think gorgeous is about karlie specifically – maybe lily or just women in general. and i agree with andy’s theory that getaway car is more so an exercise in storytelling than a song that contains substantive clues about her relationships.

king of my heart

we have the photos showing that taylor wrote/recorded this after facetiming with karlie to watch the sunset together. taylor wrote this right after that romantic coded date, presumably during a high point of their friendship/relationship – as such, this song is more idealistic than most other kaylor songs. taylor is hopeful about the future of a committed endgame kaylor. (but, we’ll also see that taylor does still have some insecurities about kaylor.)

“now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes” – karlie is just “trying on” calling her baby. karlie is new to this whole wlw thing, and she won’t be wearing these metaphorical clothes (a wlw relationship) for long – she’s just trying them on. furthermore, “trying on clothes” may reference how karlie is a model.

“salute to me, i’m your american queen” – i think i remember from my ttb days (derogatory) that there’s a video clip of karlie calling taylor “the perfect all-american girl” whilst doing a salute.

“you move to me like a motown beat” may reference the “motown beats” instagram post where kaylor are putting on lipstick together

the fact that taylor includes the line “all the boys and their expensive cars … never took me quite where you do” may be a sign of taylor’s insecurity. i think this may be a message to karlie – ‘yes, josh is a rich boy with expensive cars, but look, we are so much better than joshlie is.’ calling josh a mere “boy” is also a funny little insult – he’s not a man, he’s just some silly little boy who can’t satisfy you like i can.

“body and soul” – i think it might be significant that taylor specifies body AND soul. they’re already connected by the soul through their close friendship – but now they’re connecting sexually with their bodies as well. conversely, this could reference how they’ve already connected bodily through casual gal pal hook ups, but now taylor believes that they’re starting to connect on that romantic soul level as well.

“school girl crush” gives me such unreciprocated crush vibes. maybe taylor’s crush was unreciprocated for a while, but she has reason to believe that their relationship is growing into ~more than just friends~, as she’s desired

“drinking beer out of plastic cups” – knicks game

“say you fancy me, not fancy stuff” – “fancy” could just be straight-bait to make swiftwyn beards look more convincing, or it could be a re-dedication of the song to joe (just how the bridge of dress re-dedicated that song to joe). (for context, i believe in swiftwyn beards-to-lovers.) but what’s important here is that “fancying stuff” made me think of how, as a model, karlie is like madona’s Material Girl. rich boy josh with his fancy cars can give karlie more “stuff” to satisfy her inner material girl, but taylor wants to show karlie that she can give her deeper fulfillment than that.

“this is enough” – this might be taylor reassuring herself that their relationship, despite being in a weird ~gal pals who hook up occassionally~ is enough. even though they’re not ~girlfriends~, the relationship is enough, because taylor believes that they’re working their way towards that ~body and soul endgame wives~ type of relationship.

“all at once” may refer to a seemingly sudden shift in the nature of their relationship – one day, they’re (infuriatingly) just gal pals who hook up, but all of a sudden, taylor has reason to believe/hope that maybe they’re starting to be more than that, maybe inching their way towards endgame territory.

i do not think that dancing with our hands tied is necessarily about karlie. it seems too reciprocal to be just about her; it might be an amalgamation of many relationships and how she frequently fears being outed.

dress

“a golden tattoo” – drake’s party. also, karlie is gold rush girl

“all of this silence, pining and anticipation / my hands are shaking from holding back from you / all of this silence, pining and desperately waiting” – once again implies that taylor does not have karlie the way she wants her. there’s “pining” because she wants more than karlie can give. and taylor is “desperately waiting” in hopes that maybe one day karlie will reciprocate her love to the full extent that she desires

“i don’t want you like a best friend” – self-explanatory

“carve your name into my bedpost” – taylor is making a request – ‘please commit, please leave a sign that you are committed to me forever, please be my endgame.’ note the dichotomy between this plea for karlie to take the initiative to make the carving, versus the statement in the first verse of how karlie inadvertently left “an indentation in the shape of” her. the indentation was not an act of karlie’s chosen will – taylor just so happened to fall in love with her, and now she’s asking karlie to reciprocate by making that carving.

“inescapable, i’m not even gonna try” – taylor is resigned to the fact that she’s fallen for karlie, even though the relationship might be doomed (as the next line demonstrates)

“if I get burned, at least we were electrified” – taylor is acknowledging that this relationship is low key doomed, and if anyone is going to get hurt, it’ll be taylor. taylor will be the one getting “burned” by the intensity of her infatuation, whereas karlie won’t be burned because she never reciprocated that intense love. /// going back to my commentary on “carve your name into my bedpost” – note how taylor frequently references karlie “claiming” her (with “marks”, “indentations”, “carvings”, and now “burns”), whereas taylor never states that she’s claimed karlie in any way. i think this may reflect taylor’s recognition that she has fallen much harder for karlie than karlie has for her. karlie does not bear marks, indentations, carvings, or burns from their relationship, because she was never as committed as taylor was. but taylor bears all those things because it is she who fell so hard for karlie.  

“you kiss my face and we’re both drunk” reminds me of that trope where the gal pals only make out when they’re drunk because they’re convinced they’re actually straight. maybe karlie is one of those straight girls who only has so much capacity for wlw sex, meaning that it happens more often when she’s drunk than when sober.

i do not think that “this is why we can’t have nice things” is a direct karlie song. it may indirectly reference how karlie “broke” the “nice thing” that was their relationship by refusing to commit, but i don’t think that the song has anything substantive to show us about kaylor.

i’m not sure if i think “call it what you want” is a kaylor song. on some level, “fit like a daydream” does sound like eating disorder taylor idolizing karlie’s body, and it’s interesting to me how the subject of the song expresses virtually no devotion to taylor, whereas taylor spends the whole song telling the subject “call it what you want – call us girlfriends, gal pals, whatever you want as long as i can keep you.” this reminds me a bit of kaylor.

new year’s day

“don’t read the last page” because i know that this book has a sad ending. this relationship is doomed, and it’s going to end poorly. but let’s put that out of our minds – i’m to infatuated with you in this moment to think about how this will inevitably end.

“i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away” – when karlie is “lost” (leaving taylor to go back to josh) or “turning away” from taylor to go back to josh, taylor stays. she’s scared that she’s going to lose karlie, but she’s still going to stay, because she’s willing to “waste her time” (don’t blame me) waiting for karlie to choose her.

“i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes” – taylor is willing to stay through the mess of their imbalanced and un-reciprocal relationship even when that inevitably gets hard. their relationship is “wrong” because karlie is josh’s, and maybe kaylor was a mistake because of joshlie, but taylor doesn’t care – she loves karlie too much, so she’s going to stay and wait for karlie to choose her.

“i WANT your midnights” – implying that taylor does not currently have them, because karlie is not reciprocating the level of love taylor is giving and wants in return.

“hold on to the memories” implies that this relationship will be ending soon (because it is doomed), leaving karlie only memories to hold onto.

“i will hold onto you” – this goes back to the theme of taylor’s obsession. karlie is her drug – she’s addicted to her, and she will “waste her time” eternally waiting for karlie to choose her because she’s that obsessed with her.

“please don’t ever become a stranger” – why is taylor worrying about this? because the relationship is doomed, and becoming strangers feels like this horrible yet inevitable ending that will be a part of “the last page”

thanks for reading, and sorry about any typos!

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SUBMISSION

I found this as part of my Insta ask era but let’s look over this for thoughts. Haven’t read it yet but I know anon was stressed it got lost (it did because y’all talk too much but also don’t stop I love it).

[neverdoingmuch]

hello! I just wanted to ask, which do you think in the mdzs novel has the most questionable morality? like they have done more bad things but they still had kindness in them somehow (?)

oh!! this is a hard one for me anon! i’m always bad at ranking characters but i’ll do my best!  i’m not sure if you were hoping for like a quick answer or a long one but i’m gonna go with a long one bc that’s always fun and i’ll do a tldr if you don’t want to read through all that? yeah that seems like it’ll work because holy shit i didnt mean for it to get so long (and kind of away from the point of your ask too so sorry about that!)

okay! So, the three main contenders for morally dubious characters are, as far as I’ve seen, Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Wei Wuxian. Not a big surprise, I’m sure. While they’re the more obvious options, they do have a lot of parallels and exhibit a lot of the themes and ideas that MXTX was getting at. I mean, I love looking at Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian as foils, and even other combinations of the three, so my answer will probably be heavy on the comparisons. I do think it’s worth touching on Jiang Cheng as well though. Also, I’ll try to stay as unbiased as I can because there’s a few characters on this list that I just don’t like … like at all.

Jiang Cheng tends to get brushed over a lot when it comes to some of the horrible things he’s done. From promising to protect Wei Wuxian from dogs only to immediately use them as a threat whenever he wants to to leading a siege on a group of people he knows are completely innocent of any crimes to torturing and killing people for thirteen years, he’s definitely not a good person. His concerns lie first and foremost with himself and his. That doesn’t seem like a horrible thing at first – he should owe his loyalty to himself, his family, and his sect – but it does mean that when the Xuanwu’s cave situation happened, his response was to get mad that Wei Wuxian helped Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji. (And that’s why Jiang Fengmian got mad at him!). Later on, when pressure comes from the sects regarding Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng chooses not to stand with him, which, while understandable, isn’t exactly a kind move to someone who called Jiang Cheng his family and was trying to repay the debt the two of them owed Wen Qing. There’s no denying that he does care about Wei Wuxian, but when forced to make hard choices, he picks what’s easiest for himself. In general, I’d say that his sense of morality is selfish and somewhat flighty, but not necessarily questionable, so I’ll move on!

For the usual suspects, I’ll start with Xue Yang because I’m just going to immediately eliminate him from the running. I’ve seen people interpret his character sympathetically or try to justify some of his actions or the way he turned out, but I honestly just can’t. While you could feel sympathetic towards him because of his childhood, we have Wei Wuxian as a direct contrast to Xue Yang, as well as, to a certain degree, Jin Guangyao. Both Xue Yang and Wei Wuxian were street kids who had a horrible time in their youth, but Wei Wuxian was able to leave that behind him. That’s a lot easier to do when you’ve been adopted into a major sect and afforded comforts above your station (and also have terrible coping mechanisms), but even Jin Guangyao’s revenge isn’t quite as wide-spread and malicious. I know it may seem a bit obvious, anon, but some people really do try and treat Xue Yang like he’s morally dubious which confuses me a lot because how?? Even if we do say that he has suitable cause, one of the messages of the novel is that your past experiences don’t justify your future actions, so even within the context of the novel – a novel which is concerned with highlighting the grey areas of morality – Xue Yang isn’t afforded any sympathy. So, there’s really no way to construe him in a positive light. His only moments of kindness come with his time spent in Yi City with Xiao Xingchen, where Xue Yang doesn’t change much – he may have cared for Xiao Xingchen, but Xue Yang still tortured him as he did so. I never quite read that arc as Xue Yang learning to care or being allowed to be kind again so I’d just say that he lacks both morals and kindness. On that basis we can boot him from this competition. 

Jin Guangyao may have been one of the antagonists of the novel, but he wasn't a completely bad person or like The Worst. His main crimes involved getting revenge for slights against him or his mother – being from Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangshan, or any number of other cultivators. I think that, to an extent, his actions are justifiable. While you can contrast this to the way Wei Wuxian gets called a servant's son, they do differ in the fact that Wei Wuxian is afforded a higher level of protection due to him being favoured by Jiang Fengmian. Additionally, when Wei Wuxian does have his birth used against him, he's usually the person who acted out first anyway. Jin Guangyao was insulted for doing little more than exist and was never the person to act out first, yet still faced a near constant onslaught of insults. I'm not saying his actions were justified by any means, but the reasoning behind his actions is sound. The one thing I will note is that he doesn't let go of his grudges – even when everything is all done and dusted and he has everything that he could possibly want from life, he still holds onto that hatred. I remember seeing a post where someone mentioned that characters who were able to move on and change for the better were able to get their happy ending in MDZS, which isn't relevant here but definitely applies to Jin Guangyao when thinking about why he got the ending he did. I don't agree with the degree to which he enacted his revenge against certain characters and I loathe the whole Qin Su situation. I don't care how much he cries about it, he could've at least told her, but I mainly just pretend that part didn't exist. So, he has suitable cause for at least some of his actions, and his other victims can just be classified as necessary collateral rather than being intentional innocent targets, if that makes sense, but he's definitely vindictive and spiteful.

On the other hand, he did a lot of good, too. He's a side character for the most part so Jin Guangyao didn't get the most screen-time, but we do hear of some of the good things he's done. The main example would probably be the watchtowers. One of the interesting things about Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian is that while both of them are capable of kindness, the breadth and scope of Jin Guangyao's is much broader – the watchtowers are an idea that not only showcase how Jin Guangyao's upbringing allows him to see flaws in the cultivation world that the other privileged cultivators can't, but also show how he does care about the people. I've seen a few people try and play it as a spying technique but I don’t really believe that in the slightest. I mean, the point of the towers is to cover the areas where the sects aren't, so I have no idea what Jin Guangyao's people would even be spying on. Anyway, setting up those watchtowers really didn't benefit him any specific way – unless you consider him endearing himself to Lan Xichen and garnering a good reputation with the common folk something that outweighs the absolute nightmare it would have been to make the sects participate in the project to begin with. In a more specific case, Jin Ling's dog was given to him by Jin Guangyao. It's interesting that, despite Jin Ling spending the novel being trailed by Jiang Cheng, the gift that he obviously cares for deeply is from Jin Guangyao. In the Guanyin Temple scene I definitely got the sense that Jin Ling had loved and trusted Jin Guangyao before the truth came out so I'm firmly convinced that he would've been a wonderful and conscientious uncle to him and just generally good to the people who worked for him and/or the commoners.

Okay, now Wei Wuxian!! As far as I've seen, people are relatively good at staying true to his questionable sense of morality. Like with Jin Guangyao, we know that he can be vindictive and pretty excessive when it comes to getting his revenge, but I'm not going to deny that I was definitely rooting for him when he went after Wen Chao and his little gang. The main issue with Wei Wuxian is probably the demonic cultivation – the stigma against it tends to get reduced to it being bad for the user and their temperament etc. etc., but there's more to it than that. I'm no expert on Daoism by any means, but from my understanding desecration of corpses and disturbing the dead is a significant cultural taboo. This isn't just Wei Wuxian doing something no one else can do (though it certainly is true), it's also him doing something no one else should do. I've seen the massacre at Nightless City being added as another tally to his list of crimes, but I honestly think that that isn’t a crime worth adding – he needed to defend himself so he did, simple as that. 

As I mentioned above, Wei Wuxian's kindness is a bit more specific – where Jin Guangyao cares for the people, Wei Wuxian cares for individuals. We see his kindness more clearly, be it because he's the main character or be it because actions are clearer and stronger when it's for a single person or a small group. It's a bit easier, in my opinion, to care about people when you don't have to live with them and face them every day, but Wei Wuxian does. Even though Wei Wuxian led a lot more comfortable life than Jin Guangyao, we never really see Jin Guangyao get his hands dirty in the same way Wei Wuxian does. When a sacrifice needs to be made, Wei Wuxian’s the one who makes it. He doesn't relegate, he does it himself. We know that he would do absolutely anything for those he cares about and that's why he's able to commit a lot of the atrocities he does.

When it comes to deciding between Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian for most questionable morality, I think we need to look at the reasons behind their actions. Wei Wuxian’s sense of morality is definitely nowhere near that of the Lans but he has always been driven by his sense of justice and his love for those around him. In that sense, I've always read him as having a flexible sense of morality rather than a questionable one. I'm not sure how much of it ties in with his sense of duty, but it's definitely a lot. Wei Wuxian is, and always will, fill the role that is required of him – be it the childish and sweet younger brother, the talented but flippant older brother, the monster that wins the war, or the fierce protector that gives his all, Wei Wuxian will twist himself into whatever position he's needed in at that moment. Obviously, he went after Wen Chao for his own benefit, and the corrupting influence of the resentful energy does need to be factored into this, but at his core, Wei Wuxian will always value his duty (to his sect, family, friends, and innocents) and doing what is right over anything else. He may have stumbled along the way, but he did manage to form his own path to uphold all the values that he wanted to. Jin Guangyao, on the other hand, is similar to Jiang Cheng in how he's driven by his own motivations for betterment and revenge, albeit with more grace and intelligence. Jin Guangyao may masquerade as being motivated by any number of causes but he will never do anything at his own risk, and he will always be his top priority. So, while it's a close call between Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao, I'm going to have to go with Jin Guangyao on this one!

tldr; the fandom favourites for questionable morality are xy, jgy, and wwx so i mainly looked at them. I included jc as well but neither xy or jc demonstrate the dichotomy needed so they got eliminated from the running. Jgy and wwx both commit and are willing to commit horrible crimes as well as being capable of caring for others and being kind. but, where wwx is driven by his sense of justice and love for others, jgy is driven by his own motivations for betterment and revenge, making for a more questionable morality (as compared to wwx's more flexible morality).

[owlmylove]

I love your fashion sense and obviously it's not something you deal with yourself but I was wondering what you would suggest for someone who is pretty fat to kind of clean up their look because I mostly wear like graphic tees and like my nicest trousers are a pair of plain boot cut jeans lmao

Thank you so much for your kind words darling!! But, before you get too entrenched in the quicksand of comparison, I actually have dealt with that precise scenario. Multiple times to be honest, and while I’m fortunate enough to be able to find fitted clothes more easily than a few of my friends, I’m still bigger than most of them and have always been very aware of that growing up. There have been periods of my life (including right now tbh, #quar) where the function and comfort of my clothes has become overshadowed by the frustration and low-level embarrassment they inspire

That doesn’t mean the clothing is bad, or I was silly to wear it previously. It just means I’m changing, and so are my tastes. You can love your graphic tees and still want to try fancier pants on for size, and that’s all okay! Don’t let hyper-consumptive disposable culture try to guilt you into despising anything you may have once enjoyed, or been comforted by. Like foods, there’s no such thing as good or bad clothing. It’s just finding the clothes that fill your current needs and make you feel as good as you deserve.

BUT you came for fashion advice and fashion advice you shall HAVE babe. for cinematic purposes, please picture the following advice as a voiceover to our dressing room montage scene as i throw hangers over the door & applaud every time you do a lil catwalk spin

1. Fuck trends. They’re bullshit!! Unless you sincerely like the look of something and feel good in it, don’t fall into the trap of needing to wear the newest spring/summer anything. There’s nothing wrong with trying out a new style, but always remember the clothes’ job is to fit you; you don’t need to fit the clothes. If something doesn’t feel comfortable, or flattering, or right, that’s a failing on behalf of the clothing (and, most often, the designers’ limited understanding of the human body) and never on you.

2. Try stuff! I highly recommend trying on absolutely anything you have the faintest interest in*, trends included. Also: things you never in a million years would’ve tried on, but a friend/partner/random telepath recommended for you. It can be frustrating when things don’t work out, but that just teaches you something about what does and doesn’t work for you. Don’t think of your fashion sense as a pass/fail test, but a language you’re gaining fluency in. Learning what doesn’t work for your body can be as helpful as what does.

*Sidenote: This can be tricky in quarantine, but try online stores with free shipping/returns, and/or local stores that you can breeze through for returns. At-home try-ons also allows you to compare what you already have & see how new pieces could be incorporated into your wardrobe.

3. Learn your type. I hate categories of any kind but fuck me, my body type actually does serve as a helpful guideline for what does and doesn’t work on me. For instance: I’ve been wearing exclusively high waistbands for the last, oh, 6 years, bc I wanted to contain my lovely soft stomach and delineate my waist. But this actually just cuts me in half like a magician’s assistant, and I counterintuitively look better in one-piece swimsuits and un-tucked (but fitted!!) shirts. Hence: learn your body type, research what works for your body type, and try some of what they recommend. 

3.1. Break the rules. Anarchism baby!!! Everyone knows that learning the rules is the first step to breaking them. Research what science says is supposed to look good, but also trust your intuition on what you feel good in. Datasets can’t allow for individual tastes, and that’s where real fashion comes from (rather than just algorithmic minimalist capsule wardrobes)

4. Look for patterns. Obviiiiiiiously not just in prints (though I’m weak for stripes and polka dots, everyone around me is well aware) but in the cut, drape, and construction of what you love. Breaking down the elements of what brings you joy helps you recognize more of it out in the wild. But think about function too! What do you like and dislike about the fit of your shirts? Do you like the flair of boot cut jeans? Hate their length? Which elements of construction would you like to avoid in the future, and which would you like to see more of?

5. Find inspiration. If you don’t already have a sense of what you do and don’t want to add to your wardrobe, try giving Pinterest and/or moodboards a whirl. Look to people whose style you admire (and try Instagram [but avoid the identical influencer mill], Pinterest, cool Etsy boutique owners, etc). Compare their builds as an artist might, focusing not on comparative aesthetics but form. Do they use certain waistlines that would complement yours? What about colors? Finding someone with your exact body type & coloring can be extremely difficult depending your race and size, but you may be able to find influences who can guid you in one regard but not the other. Let them help you learn what you love without limiting you to just one style.  

6. Go (bargain) hunting. I maintain some things are worth spending money on — facial moisturizer, a tailored white button down, and well-fitted pants to be precise — but I almost exclusively shop clearance racks. If you’re still in the process of figuring out what you do and don’t like, there is something to be said for starting with inexpensive brands as training wheels. Discount stores like Marshalls can yield a lot of good stuff, while Etsy, resale platforms, and thrift stores can do the same for relatively low prices (and yield some p. unique pieces.) Once you know the silhouette, colors, and cuts you enjoy, that’s when I recommend investing in a $100 pair of jeans that you know will serve you for years.

Finally: Once you have a collection of things you love, experiment with them! Try them on in different combinations, add a hat, try different earrings, etc. etc. As you settle into your new wardrobe, new outfit formulas will emerge that you know you can rely on in the rushing, early mornings without feeling stressed by the question “what do I wear???” (honestly, the biggest unsung benefit of a good wardrobe is just the decrease in anxiety)

Also: I recommend looking for pieces you love first and foremost, rather than entering the fray with a shopping list of “gray blazer, navy blazer, white shirt, black shirt,” etc. Not to say I don’t own each of those basics (which are good to have!) but those kinds of Pinterest minimalist capsules work best for instant-professionalism sans personality. If that’s you need, go for it! But if you’re excited to develop your sense of style, give yourself the time and space to discover what brings you joy. Learning your tastes should be an ongoing experiment throughout life. Don’t let previous ensembles dictate future purchases (unless they’re inspiring them!!)

And, for what it’s worth, I actually still have a bunch of the graphic tees I was once so embarrassed of wearing when I was younger. And for what? They were comfortable, convenient, and expressed what I was passionate about at the time. The ones I really loved, even if I no longer fit into, still make me so happy as records of the person I was. I think taste and selves grows outward, like the rings of a tree, and there’s nothing wrong with remembering your roots c: 

Excessive tree pun alert, and sorry for being sappy, but I hope this rambling love letter to style could help! I’m sending you all the fairy godmother energy I am capable of from afar darling<333