#bc what if that career I strive for doesn’t work out in the end..I wasted all the time for it..but Ykw I tried

[bunieboo]

the way my goal is just to keep growing and changing from the person I was yesterday but like why can’t my goal ever be a job or a career

[fleetingsilhouette-blog]

All That Glitters is Not Gold

When I enter any romantic relationship with someone, I try to give my significant other my all. If she is stressed out, sad, or exhausted, I’ll be there to support in whichever way I can--with words, a hug, a care package, or some small, practical gift that shows her someone cares. If she achieves something significant, I’ll be there to celebrate with her, be happy for what she’s done. If we fight, I’ll look toward finding a solution rather than being stuck on blaming anything. In almost every instance I try striving to be the bigger person because I’ve seen too many unhappy marriages in my own family. My grandparents live apart because they argue too frequently. My parents separated when I was 6 for commitment issues, translating worries about financial issues into my brother and me. To prevent the sadness from recurring, I want to build a healthy, happy family following God and encompassing His morals. And to accomplish that, I firmly believe it is important for the parents of that family to love and compromise for each other willingly.

So why do I mention this?

Today, my significant other received an interview invitation from a very prestigious medical school close to her home (on the other side of the continent). I was truly happy for her, and still am. That school would enable her to stay close to her family while remaining connected with her community. But all that glitters is not gold, I guess... From the start of this application process, I knew maintaining our relationship would be a long shot. So much remains uncertain, especially with us both applying to medical programs that have 2 - 3% matriculation rates from the applicant pool. And because she has more to talk about on paper and better stats, I knew that in the end it would be me who’d have to mold my career plans to make it work--applying to plausible programs near hers and spending more time on my essays to bolster myself. Of course, my ultimate goal is to help others; I just don’t really care for location. If I could do it alongside the person I loved, why not try?

ANYWAY, the point is that it feels like with every success she makes, the less hope I feel for this relationship. I asked her earlier, “If you got into this prestigious medical school, but we also both got into medical school close to each other elsewhere, what would you do?” I was low-key hoping she would say something among the lines of “Yeah... But if we can have a future together then I’ll pick the school closer to you.” Instead, she didn’t give a solid response. “Idk guess we’ll have to see if I actually get into anywhere and then make a decision bc if it’s between A (prestigious school) and B (another school we may both be able to attend that’s close to A) the distance is not as big of a difference as A and C (another school we may both be able to attend that’s far away from A).” Although what she’s saying is true, it just feels bad that her answer is ambiguous and sounds like she doesn’t want to compromise her desires. Obviously, she has the choice of doing that because it’s her life. And obviously, all of this is hypothetical since (lmao) I have one rejection from one of my schools in CA and a grand total of 0 interview invitations, but man... I wish I could have more hope coming from her. I wish I could know that she feels the same way I do about being together and also translate that into some action. (Because if I end up going to school close to her and we can’t find time to help each other maintain the relationship, what’s the point in me trying so hard to be there as compared to some other place? That would literally be 4 more years of long distance. 4 more years of wasted emotions from my end. It feels like I have so much more to lose.)

Dear Heavenly Father, I know I am supposed to relinquish control and leave it to You to provide, but it’s hard when I have emotions attached to any situation. It’s hard when everything is so uncertain, when my love for this person is so strong. I am sad when I’m supposed to be 100% happy for her. And it feels awful to have these kinds of calculating thoughts that are just dancing in my head which might not even be true. I know I’m panicking. I know nothing has been set. I just pray that, God, You hear my concerns and you see my struggles. I do want to pursue You, to follow Jesus in my life. Please help me find peace in You. I also pray that You help my girlfriend and I get through this long process and that in the end, your grace and glory can help us find happiness together. I pray that I can continue being the bigger person. In Jesus’ most holy and precious name I pray, Amen.

[elsaspants]

What do you do for a living?(I'm asking bc I'm a high schooler who's getting pressured to figure out what to do with the rest of her life and I have no idea but you're really cool so maybe I can get some inspiration from you??)

hey there, sweetie. I feel very moved that you look up to me.but honestly, I’m not a role model. I’m ashamed to say that my parents supportme entirely because I’m not capable of working or being in school. 

whenI was in your position, I was a very good student, but I had no interest whatsoeverin college. I never had any; I just knew I had to go because everyone does, and I had neverseen my life in any other way. since I was always at the top of my class throughoutschool, and I have a wide range of skills and talents, I was supposed to be anIvy League student, and that was that.

but I barely survived high school. I had to seriously considerdropping out several times. my mental health was in the toilet. whenever I told my parents that it was too hard, that I hated it so much that I wanted to die, they said, “no one likes school. everyone feels that way, but you have to deal with it.” therefore, all thesethings - severe depression, being bone tired 24/7, becoming physically ill onthe way to school several times a week because I loathed it so much, and havingzero drive or desire to choose a future path and a college… I thoughtthat was normal. Ilooked at everyone around me and believed they were suffering just as much,just that I was especially lazy and weak and bad at dealing with it. so Iforged ahead.

I wound up applying to one city school and, predictably, hatingit passionately. I coped so poorly and was so suicidal that I had to drop halfmy classes in the first semester. again, I didn’t understand that the flare-ups of trauma and the agony I felt every step of the way were not supposed to be happening.my parents were quite literally breathing down my neck throughout the wholeprocess, screaming at me and drilling into my head how lazy I am and how there is NO other option.

when I finally dropped out of college, I immediately applied forretail work, because the deal was always that if I didn’t go to school, I hadto have a job. I excelled at the interview process and went into work. on mythird day of training, I had a nervous breakdown and had to leave for good. Ispent the next week holed up, unable to leave the house. a supervisor begged meto reconsider by email, offering to accommodate my needs, but it was too latefor me. there was no way to make it work. I officially resigned and neverreentered my work place again except as a customer. being able to set foot inthere comfortably took many months.

after that, my therapist (who was new at the time) had me assessmy values, and we realized that I do not desire to work or be in school, and Inever have. she told me that she never would have helped me get a job if she’dknown how I actually felt about it – that it was not at all something I wantedfor myself. I, on the other hand, was introduced for the first time to the ideathat my life doesn’t have to consist of me doing things I don’t want to do justbecause I have to do them. 

ever since I was a child, I hated the idea of growing up,because all the adults around me seemed to hate their lives and their jobs. they told me over and over again how childhood is the best time in life and how wehave to savor it, appreciate it, not waste it, because being grown up is sohard.

but the thing is, I wasalready miserable.

I suffered so much as a kid,between the everyday battle that was getting to school and doing my work, theemotional torment I faced from my parents, the verbal (and most likely sexual) abusemy brother put me through, my social anxiety, and my low self esteem; and everywhereI turned, adults told me that it was only going to get worse.

so I believed that. I livedmy whole childhood believing that, as hard as things already were for me, theywould only get harder and harder until I grew old and died. I was a struggling littlegirl being told I was already on the tail end of my prime. and when I exitedhigh school, friendless, by the skin of my teeth, touting fresh trauma from a relationshipso bad it would ruin my life for good, it only confirmed that belief.

I’ve been out of school andwork for two years, devoting all my time and cognitive resources to therapy. Iam incredibly fortunate to have parents who are capable of paying for my therapy(and, more recently, my rent, in a deal based on a very long struggle to get meinto a home without my abuser, which was also a huge focus of my therapy, but thatis a story for another day). I have immense privilege in being able to devotemy time fully to recovery when many of my friends with similar disabilitieshave no option but to support themselves, anyway.

with all my skills, I’velearned over time that I cannot monetize any of them in my current mental andphysical state. the theme of this year is to build myself up from the bottom sothat I may begin to support myself in whatever ways I can.

all that said, sweet anon, I’mafraid I can’t offer you inspiration. but if you can take away one thing frommy example, let it be this:

you are not supposed to beanything you don’t want to be.

please read that over to yourself. and again. and again. try to internalize it. if you are striving for something that no part ofyou actually desires, and you are struggling every day to accomplishsomething you don’t even want to do, that is not destiny. that is not how your life is meant to be, nor anyone else’s.

even if you are not asfortunate as I to have the privilege of waiting to figure yourself out – pleasekeep in mind, while you do whatever you have to do to get by, that there ismore to life than that. I want you to know that there is a way for you to havea life worth living, a career worth having, and future worth working toward.

it’s okay that you don’t haveit figured out yet. when people tell you, ‘everyonefeels that way at your age!,’ take it with a grain of salt. not everyonestruggles in the same way. if things feel truly wrong to you, you’re allowed tolisten to yourself. it’s your life.

I’m so sorry that I can’toffer you more. best of luck, angel. I’m rooting for you.