#bc time and reality are fake and this is all just the hallucination of a dying god

[psychoticwillgraham]

I’ve progressed to a new level of delusion: everything around me including people are entirely artificial constructs and that i am too, but im the only one aware of it but am powerless to do anything about it. im entirely artificial, my body, my thoughts, everything. every room im in feels fake, like im a big doll in a too small dollhouse and the outside world is just a flimsy screen of sorts. and that dreams are the real world bc I feel real in them and can control my dreams (naturally, I’ve never tried lucid dreaming).

yknow, just girl things <3

[venusvxen]

okay so i got like moderately high yesterday n literally felt like i lost my mind n was questioning the validity and f the law bc i felt like everything that i was thinking about was fake…

i felt like my mind was alive n what i mean by that is that it kept going on and on and on and on and onnnnn and i felt like none of those thoughts were mine but instead a being talking through me and wanting to talk to me… and i kept doubting if this was even the case or a hallucination n my mind making it up but then i clocked that for me to doubt that that’s even possible is to turn my back on all the hard work i’ve done to reach this point w the law

anyway i rlly have a new way at looking at god playing as human now.. one of the main things that struck me and kept going through my mind was neville’s saying of “god dreamt to become man so that man could dream to become god”… i felt like i was waking up? hence why my mind felt alive bc i felt like it was the being itself talking to me and i was listening as opposed to in the past where i would try to get in the state of beinf that being… does that make sense

while in that state i was hyper aware that the body i was in was not mine…. it was sooo weird… because i wasn’t myself.. or at least the self that’s typing this.. i was the being within.. which is why i felt so uncomfortable in my body for a bit because it was like me clocking that… that’s just A Form i’ve taken?? whatever i’ll elaborate on that more later.. but i’ve had so many diff epiphanies while in this state of being pure consciousness.. it wasn’t the void at all even tho at times all i saw was darkness but i wouldn’t say it was the void it was just me hyper aware of my true self and my material body n the material world not getting in the way of that.

a part of me want to chalk this experience up to delusion so bad but i’m literally on this side of the internet and the strides i’ve taken with reading neville and falling and getting back up is quite literally so i could get to this point and have these weird awakenings.

one of the main things that struck me during that state is how if we are awareness and nothing but awareness then everything and i mean everything that we’re aware of is real and comes to fruition. this means that even your most invasive intrusive thoughts r real in a way but you write them off as not real which is why they materialize. furthermore as pure consciousness we are wandering to multiple diff realities multiple times a day by imagining diff things. we are god in imagination…. it struck me while in that state that human values mean nothing to this being within.. which is why we attach human states and human ideals to our i am.. i’m not explaining this the best i’ll probably do a wholeeee other post about this… but if we were constantly in the state of just being god and experiencing whatever and never came down from that we would prob hurt other ppl because god isn’t bound to human morals… the concept of god and bad only exists when you re enter the state of being.. human and even then the state of being _____ because that’s why some people are “good” while others are “bad”… that DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL GODOSODKS ILL MAKE A WHOLE POST ON ITJEKSKD

but it basically made me think that that’s why it’s so important to not essentially shoo off our human self when we’re in these communities and not think of it as trivial.. it’s there to ground us and make sure we’re not like a untamed wildfire….

but another thing that kept striking me was why am i even in this form in the first place? and the answer i kept getting was that god dreamt to become man so that man could dream to be god ..

essentially meaning that in our human forms we each have different goals and aspirations in this form and goals and aspirations is the part of the human experience i mean think about it.. god doesn’t have any real.. goals.. he can just snap his fingers and be whoever he wants to be.. so in order to get the true Human Experience we have goals we work towards.. which is why some of you may want different things from me… we all have things we desire at our core and higher and higher versions of ourselves we should a strive to be which is why none of us may want the same things at our CORE… it makes our experiences unique.

but at the end of the day.. when we actualize all of this we’ll ask ourselves.. what next? WHICH I THINK EDWARD ART REFWRFED TO… after you achieve all your goals and make all that money you’ll ask yourself.. what next… and that’s when you start looking up.. not to more material possessions because you’ve attained them all but towards your real self.. bc it’s almost like you as god have achieved everything in your human form and you’ve cleared this level almost.. you came down here to experience this and put yourself in this state and felt what man feels and you had a good time but now it’s time to come back home and that’s when man awakes and realizes he’s god and goes forward from that..

i feel like my mind is a bit broken.. i hope some of this made some sense and i hope y’all gain some wisdom from this.. i have to clock in for work now i’m 4 mins late cus i typed this but i rlly feel like I Get It now… idk

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

My girlfriend experiences psychosis more often than I do but there's been a few times I've seen shadow people, and had auditory and visual hallucinations. More often it's auditory ones than visual, and my girlfriend's the one who even mentioned the psychosis to me, explained that from what they could tell, I've also experienced it myself. It's nice to actually have it validated by someone close to me and not ignored or me being told I'm faking it just bc I've only within the last year been having more hallucinations than before. I am v v v paranoid as well so I don't know if my mental state is just entirely getting worse now that I'm a full adult at 26 or if I just have never known any other ways to cope with various trauma. I also am part of a system but no one irl knows.

That's great you have someone who can validate your experiences! It definitely helps when keeping yourself grounded in reality or at the very least remembering you're not alone in experiencing certain things. Just because you only recently started experiencing symptoms doesn't mean you're faking at all. Sometimes trauma and mental illness just work like that - it takes time to hit you. Also as a fellow system, I just wanna say you don't need to out yourself if you don't want to. Telling people IRL about it is so awkward from my experience... especially if the person doesn't know about DID/OSDD and you have to water it down and explain it using outdated terms -_- Tell people about it on your own terms!

-Mod Clemont

[antiphon]

all right the good fight 6x03 liveblog-all-in-one-post let's go

@florrickandassociates does not like the title conceit for this season. I think "the end of x" as a title for each episode (after the first one, "the beginning of the end") is kind of fun actually.

carmen watching bad reality tv doesn't even remotely faze me. not just because I've seen it before, just because of what I know about who watches reality tv

how but HOW is this gun in like a. gun shoebox. I don't mean a gun box I mean the box has a picture of the gun on the side of it. like a shoebox for like tennis shoes. is this how guns are sold? I'm not gun people this might be normal.

Lester tipped her doorman to get in, which (in addition to the large room we see her in) means Carmen has not only moved but moved up. where I live, I doubt there's a doorman in the entire city. the idea of having a doorman is absurdly fancy to me, a person who has worked as an adult in (a) food service and (b) libraries

he tells her what to wear, in case we were wondering whether he was still sleazy (we weren't bc he just bribed his way into her building)

he's saying he hates socializing and this is cute because they are the same. "I would so much rather be sitting at home listening to old radio serials." she would rather be sitting at home doing yoga and watching bad reality tv! by "cute" I mean "this show is overtly telling us that Lester is Carmen's future if he has anything to say about it."

so she asks him how he got into this, but it's not her route.

"Liz and Diane are lawyers. You're the law." this is a silly line.

this guy doesn't like the biden administration, which might be a statement about diane.

LESTER GETS ARRESTED. that's a delight actually. I mean I hate cops but for them to come after him specifically is hilarious. because he was just like "oh it's the people like you and me that nobody notices."

cool scene change. is diane hallucinating a shirtless painter or not, who cares. in the real world people who work have shirts.

she asks about his florist which is great because another thing I associate with being very rich is having cut flowers at all times. if I were rich I would never be without cut flowers. for diane to comment appreciatively but like it's something she could have extremely tracks.

she says not seeing enough of the beauty in the world is "the curse of the progressive." maybe it's the curse of people who like to consider themselves progressive but are actually rich-ass lawyers who can't separate their sense of self from institutions

she's barefoot again

she asks if she can argue in court like this (still high). HE DOESN'T SEE WHY NOT LMAO. to high diane the impediment is that she's not currently angry. again with the...........

he give sher homework to stop doomscrolling. florals for spring? groundbreaking.

Ri'Chard is dressed a lot like Adrian in court - striped suit, white shirt, tie and pocket square matching. No vest, which Adrian did often go in for, and obviously there's a finite number of ways men are allowed to dress in court. And his glasses are more red than the purple/fucsia of his tie/pocket square. He and Liz are both here. But since my tgf liveblog is mostly a fashion blog, the clothes are most important and must be mentioned.

Liz talks about their historical hiring practices over decades. which is fair but seems less salient (she doesn't bring in any stats about the race of hires elsewhere, and more importantly she doesn't talk about the credentials of her client vs the person hired)

Sex. Food. Music. Cross-examination. I get that cross being the surprise is the point but how boring.

They've put Diane in their fake outside!!!!!!!!!!! with a fake protest below her!!!!!!!! leave this to people with actual vfx budgets.

she seems to click a notification about the protests, yet we don't learn anything about the purpose of the protests, just a bunch of bad headlines. she remembers she's supposed to stop doomscrolling. she sees marisa rolling her eyes in a meeting. it is wildly unprofessional except that marissa is a meeting for her dad's legal team, so actually, fair.

marissa: if you stop following news etc, "how are you going to keep track of these protests?" marissa no one is keeping track of them. they're there every day. not a single person on this show has talked about why. something @florrickandassociates said made me realize this is like when this show thought people having people yell over each other was political commentary. the substance of the speech is irrelevant; they're concerned with its tone. a protest is a protest is a protest, in the eyes of the good fight. (it would not be hard for them to tell us why people were protesting while demonstrating characters' disapproval for the whole concept of protesting.)

Lester says Carmen is his "good luck charm" and is mad that he won't defent him and defend his boss for the same crime at the same time lmao

the guy funding the football suit is like everythign in football has a racial dimension, which strikes me, a person who knows nothing about football, as straighforwardly true.

guy has her gun fuck him but again. shoebox????

big boss wants her to use lester as a scapegoat. he doesn't like that term and cites the source of the term scapegoat. she refuses him by first name. he is unimpressed.

these credits are a third of the way in. the gun pointing at charmaine bingwa's name is a little, well, pointed now lol

high diane is just associated with a constantly-increasing number of flowers huh. one. the ones in the office. the ones at a market.

the guy prosecuting carmen's client's case is at reddick??? he was her professor and he encouraged his students to use their opponents' personal lives against him and well.....carmen heard everything he said about his life in his lectures.

they're all following marissa's instructions not to tell diane the news and acting like marissa is the boss of them

we're back to deepfakeland

.......have we ever seen diane and carmen together

they really had carmen say "I'm serving two masters"

this makes obvious that carmen is putting herself in actual danger while they're all scared of protesters who have said they won't be dangerous for another month plus

the judge also draws a line from lester to carmen. obviously I got that diane stepping in for lester protected carmen in practical terms from ben-baruch (she steps in on a major client's case), but I guess I hadn't remembered that meant diane was protecting carmen thematically

ri'chard has a different tie and pocket square. the light makes it hard to tell exactly how the pocket square looks

liz sees a football goy and knows him and now we are football people

carmen is genuinely jarred by ben-baruch in the elevator, unless she's a very good actor. but she's very together again in court. she tells ben-baruch that putting lester on the stand will be the best way to harm their case. he is very good at not provably lying lmao

ok so there's the fact that the judge also likes jack benny and then there's the fact that lester's niece is pirating jack benny for him, which is absolutely going to be used to sneak malware to him and the judge who wants him to send the files along. here on antiphon dot tumblr dot com we are Pro Piracy but the piracy is going to be used against them (then the judge is going to get mad and that will benefit lester)

football funder (distinct from football guy) wants them to prove racial discrimination, not do the best for their ostensible actual client. jay thinks he wants to make it cheaper to buy the team. liz is like "we represent our client." ri'chard is like "this guy is paying us." liz is like "ok" but she's making a face like "not ok"

carmen's backup plan against ben-baruch is oscar rivi lmaooooo

a big explosion. again I am so bored by this show's conception of these protests because they are...meaningless. they are not for anything. sustaining protest over a season of tv's worth of time is hard. people have to be there! actual people with jobs and families and obligations! we have absolutely no idea why they're there. how they're able to manage it. who they're connected to that they can produce explosions of this size. but also...the show isn't interested in that? the characters aren't interested and don't know? like did they just take "oh people showed up for weeks in summer of 2020" and forget that in addition to the inciting incident(s) and the previous protests that laid groundwork there was also a pandemic that left people with free time? it doesn't surprise me for this show to be most interested in the fact of disruption, but it does bore me.

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

there is literally no proof of this theory but what if Wally thinks that gar, Artemis, dick, and now Conner were all hallucinations too, as part of his “test” to reach his final destination. like maybe at first he thought it was some weird hallucination/side effect of zone sickness or the time stream messing him up, which is why he was so out of character in gar’s, bc he thought it was some weird cosmic joke and wasn’t taking it seriously. then somehow along the way he realizes it must be a test to get into heaven, and starts genuinely trying to help his teammates and counsel them in order to pass.

i just think it’d be funny if either Conner and Wally reunite again and they’re like “bestie wdym IM the illusion?? 🤨🤨” or if bart appears in the time stream and Wally is like “how many more tests do I need to pass holy shit” before he realizes he’s not actually dead

Idk about Gar's hallucination but I am pretty confident that at least Dick and Conner's hallucinations were actually Wally. I'm 50-50 on Artemis' hallucination. (Not to go too into it but Conner and Artemis' hallucination happened while they were in a separate dimension and Dick's happened when he was four feet away from an open interdimensional portal, so Wally could be briefly phasing into reality near them whenever the dimensional walls are weak enough)

I do genuinely believe that Wally thinks he is dead and is doing a bunch of 'tests' to get into the afterlife because it's Wally and that boy likes to rationalize things that he doesn't understand. It'd probably make more sense for him to believe that he was in a Kent Nelson situation (being stuck in limbo as a spirit) rather than believe the reality that he survived and is free falling through space time. Plus that makes his speech to Conner make a lot more sense.

I think that he believed he was actually speaking to Artemis and Conner in their hallucinations because for Artemis he talked about giving them both closure and that they both needed to talk one last time so that he could move on (key thing there being that he thought he couldn't move on, ie something was keeping him from the afterlife). And then with Conner he was giving him actual genuine advice and thought that Conner was dead too.

BUT! Dick's hallucination happened while he was concussed and in the mind link and it triggered a Failsafe situation where everyone thought it was 2010 again, including Wally. Dick and Wally did some wild things, including: 'Playing' their teammates as if they were video game characters and pausing time for everyone but Dick and Wally as Wally gave him a running commentary on the team. I could VERY MUCH believe that Wally didn't think that was real and that it was a fake test for him or something.

I could also see him thinking that Bart isn't real. Or that Bart died and is stuck in limbo, same as Wally. Regardless, I think Bart will help him figure it out and then one of the Kid Flashes will say something about Conner (Bart: We're on a mission to see how Conner's death affected the timeline OR Wally: So wait if I'm not dead then what was up with Conner?) And from there they'll figure out that Conner and Phantom Girl are also alive and in the Phantom Zone.

[shizekarnstein]

🔪For episode 3 we have🔪:

- Obi Wan trying to come to terms with the heart-wrenching realisation of what happened with anakin, the thrilling sequel.

- The repeated callings for Qui Gon's guidance and presence and yknow SOMETHING to not feel so utterly alone anymore.

- Vader's castle of Angst and Hatred on Mustafar it's always a good way to stab into my heart.

- OBI WAN HALLUCINATING ANAKIN IS EVERYTHING IVE EVER WANTED THEY DID THAT FOR ME AND ME ALONE. 10 knives.

- Watching as Obi Wan airs all his grievances and suffering to Leia like THIS PLACE (actually means galaxy) WAS SO DIFERENT AND ALIVE AND FULL WITH HAPPY PEOPLE (he means his jedi family) BUT NOW IT'S NOTHING BUT A STALE LAND!!!

- Leia not all ppl are good you know?? 🤧 that reminded me SO MUCH of episode 1 Anakin nobody touch me.

- Leia picking up on Obi Wan knowing her mother ahshsjdkdkd help. Other 10 knives.

- LEIA THINKING THAT MAYBE OBI WAN IS HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER!!! AND HIS REACTION AHSJDJDJ

- Just seeing all over again how depressed this man is. How utterly baffled he is trying to understand how there are ppl who actually do something about the opression they all live under?? And not getting how on earth they are able to do that?? Are you telling obi wan that not all ppl retreat into a cave and pass all their time having ptsd and nightmares about how they failed everyone they loved? Sounds fake to him.

- Leia being so kind to the supply droid and interacting with it as a person and the droid responding to that??

- OBI WAN AND ANAKIN DESPITE EVERYTHING BEING STILL CONNECTED TO EACH OTHER??? OBI WAN FEELING PHYSICAL PAIN AS SOON AS VADER IS NEAR?? DOUBLING OVER HIMSELF AND WHIMPERING IN AGONY??? THANKS I LOVE IT. 10 knives.

- Those two still get each other so well like Vader trying to lure him out by killing innocent civilians? The key to hunting jedi is to prey into their compassion indeed.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?/ I AM WHAT YOU MADE ME/ !!!!! SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP 40 KNIVES AT ONCE

- ALL THAT CHASE AND CONFRONTATION HAS ACTUALLY KILL ME. I AM NO LONGER ALIVE. "you should have killed me when you had the chance"/" you have grown weak"/ how obi wan is hell bent on running away not only to buy Leia time and bc he KNOWS he's out of practice but also... bc he's in no way in hell READY TO CROSS SWORDS AND STAND IN VADERKIN'S PRESENCE AND FACING THE REALITY OF WHAT HE PERCIEVES AS HIS GREATEST FAILURE AND HIS GREATEST LOVE AAAH 40 KNIVES.

- I am having all kinds of emotions over Vaderkin's cruelty and how much he just wants Obi Wan to HURT. He'll never settle for just cutting him down quickly at this time oh no. He has to torment him, harrass him, SLOWLY BURN HIM ALIVE AS HE DID TO HIM. VADER YO A USTED LO AMO. 40 KNIVES.

In short, this week I've recieved a total of 159 🔪. The pain just keeps increasing episode after episode we prequels fans just keep winning. I love this show.

[abitscrewyvinn]

Welcome to Screwy Talks About DID For The Thousandth Time! Today’s episode is: How We Started.

The first Weirdness I noticed was ‘voices’.For a long time I thought I had schizophrenia because that was one of the Two Mental Illnesses I Knew Existed (Thanks, media) and it was always portrayed as scary. I was terrified that that would make me Bad. I tried to ignore it and just say it was Haha Funny Quirky Writer Shit. The voices were never quite clear audio hallucinations, but I knew they weren’t me.

I went on for a while like that just pretending it wasn’t a thing. Pretty sure that if it was a writing thing, they’d stop if I stopped writing. (Spoiler alert, they didn’t stop and still have trouble shutting the hell up actually)

My ex started my journey and I appreciate the eye-opening, but my dude’s amount of research was pretty much Nothing and he ended up just stressing us out further etc etc ended up with a lot of new splits to try and cope (several of which I’m pretty sure appeared to try and get me out of the relationship but only JD succeeded with the help of our now-wife) So my research started a little late. I knew I had DID (we called it multiplicity at the time, because he didn’t know there was a psychiatric term for it and I relied on him for most information whoops) but I didn’t know shit about it. I went with what he told me. So, back then, I felt very fake for some reason.

Then JD popped up and he and our wife were like Actually This Is Shit. After that it was free game as far as research goes. I went everywhere online, so many articles and scientific texts (I woke up at 7 am today please excuse my shitty wording. There’s a word I’m looking for and I can’t brain). I read anything I could find.

Fun fact actually. Fenris originally went dormant because he was one of the ones who knew from the start that our ex was Not Good. He tried to tell us not to pursue him, and we ignored him, so he went Fuck It I’m Out. He came back around 2020 and went “I fucking told you so- wait wHY IS THERE A PLAGUE—” and he’s been more active.

I’d had therapists before, and tried to explain it once. But at first, all the info I had was from my ex. I got another therapist in early 2020 when that shit was free bc Covid, and talked to her about it. The cool thing was I got SUPER LUCKY because her mentor has DID. So she knew everything to ask, gave me a test sheet thingy, and I went through it. I tried EMDR and that Didn’t Go Well I just ended up kind of dissociating harder ^^” It’s not for everyone. 

So, there are still times when I feel like it’s all fake despite being later diagnosed by a psychiatrist and being validated by a therapist who was mentored by a system. I think we may also be on the autism spectrum but uh that’s a harder one to diagnose for fem-assigned folks and I have really bad insurance at the moment sooo rip me for now.

It’s taken me A While, basically. It’s very tiring, and it’s not fun, but there are ways to cope. I also think it’s important to note that it can be hilarious, and there are some interesting things a system can do. On occasion me and a couple of my partners will take party games like Truth or Dare or Would you Rather, gather a couple alters to play, and alternate between alters (hah wording). So while mental illness isn’t fun and quirky, it’s still possible to HAVE fun.

To quote a comedian I like: Disability can be hilarious. You just have to be on the right side of the laughter.

As another side note: If you’re not a doctor specifically treating someone, don’t fucking accuse people of faking. You don’t know them. You’re not entitled to their trauma. Even if they don’t have DID, they’re probably still working something out, which just makes you a dick and causes problems for them and their view on reality/themselves.

Anyway I’m going to go either fall asleep or play The Witcher.

[reidgraygubler]

a different type of high (spencer reid/reader) part ten

Title: A Different Type of High (part ten)

Request: no

Couple: spencer reid/gender-neutral!reader

Category: angst

Content Warning: kidnapping, needles, being drugged (unknown drug), hallucinations (as a side effect of the drug), other side effects, mentions of guns/other weapons, being tied down, struggles with sobriety/addiction, hospital stays, swearing (if I missed something that needs to be tagged, please message me and let me know!)

Word Count: 2,605

Summary: after being missing for several days, reader is saved by spencer and the BAU team. spencer begins to help reader recover through all their new struggles 

A/N: this part is very heavy! please take the content warnings SERIOUSLY.  the next part won’t be as dark and heavy. this part will be a lot like the episodes where spencer was kidnapped. it won’t be word for word the same, but there will be a lot of similarities. i left most of the torture out and as vague as possible bc im not a big fan of writing that.  the drug that is being used is unknown, but for the most part i imagine it being pcp… thank you all for the love and support on this series! It really means a lot to me! check out my masterlist!

last part    series masterlist    next part

THIS PART DOES CONTAIN TRIGGERING THINGS! PLEASE GO BACK AND READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS BEFORE CONTINUING! THE NEXT PART WILL NOT BE AS HEAVY!

{***}{***}{***}

It was hard to say just how long I had been gone. I knew I was in an abandoned warehouse. A musty smell stuck out the most, taking over my sense of smell. And my sense of time was skewed by the black tarps tapped over the windows. I could no longer tell if it was night or day. 

The two men who took me weren’t here. They had gone, left some time ago. It should be a relief, right? That they were gone and I was alone… Maybe in the time they were gone, Spencer and the team would come and save me.

But for some reason there was an uncomfortable ball growing in my stomach. A cloud and a looming sense of uncertainty grew over me. I couldn’t say what was going to happen next, but I was scared. 

My only hope right now was that Spencer and his team would find me. A different part of me, however, was telling me that he wasn’t looking for me. I ignored that part of me. 

The two men returned. They only caused the doom feeling to grow. The silence and tension in the room was so tight you could cut through it like it was food. I wish I’d known their names. They won’t give them to me, for obvious reasons. I don’t think it’d make my situation much better honestly, if I had their real, or fake, names. 

They walked past me and went towards a table set up on the other side of the room. One of the men carried a box, and my body shivered at the thought of what might be in it. They stood close together as they dug through the box. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could tell that it wasn’t good.

One guy turned to face me while they spoke, and I could see the dark look on his face. I didn’t like the way he looked at me. The sick feeling in my stomach only grew. If my stomach wasn’t empty, it would be empty now.

“I’m sure they’d like it… I’ve seen them popping pills before.” 

I swallowed roughly, staring at them from where I sat. My throat closed up when I wanted to argue back that I haven’t done that in a very long time. But it’d end up being useless even if I tried. My words betrayed me and all that came out was a whimper. That caused the two men to look over at me with annoyance on their faces. 

They were standing off to the side for a while before one of them stepped closer to me. I didn’t look up at his face. No, I was too preoccupied looking at his hands and what he held. 

A small syringe was in his grasp. My body froze up as I realized what was about to happen. The terror took over me as he lifted it.

“What is that… what…” I asked as I looked down at the needle in the man’s arm. I tried flinching away from him, but it was so hard when I was tied to a chair. “Please… Please don’t. Don’t…” I whimpered as the needle pierced my skin. I cried as my body reacted to the sudden irritation on and in my skin.

My head fell back as a breath of air escaped my lungs. My body felt… loose. My mind was empty. All my worries melted away, and I suddenly didn’t care where I was, or what it was I was given. I felt… good. And that was all I cared about. 

Some more time passed, but it was hard to say how much time. Whatever they gave me had kicked in, and the effects had started. If my body felt loose before, it felt like I was floating now. Like I was a weightless balloon a child had released into the sky.  

That was when the hallucinations started and I saw Spencer standing beside the two men who did this to me. He wore a worried expression on his face, but his eyes were blank. I was so happy to see him that I didn’t care whether or not he was actually there.

“Spencer… It’s so good to see you,” my words slurred as my head fell forward. In fact, my whole body fell forward, and if I wasn’t restrained to a chair, I would’ve fallen from the chair.

“You’re safe…” Spencer whispered as he knelt on the ground in front of me. I smiled and nodded. 

“Who’s Spencer?” 

“My… My best friend…” I smiled softly as I thought about him. “He’s standing behind you… He works for the FBI,” I swallowed roughly as my head fell forward. I looked away from Spencer and at the man who was talking.

“Shit the boyfriend works for the FBI,” one of them whispered to the other. I closed my eyes and threw my head back as I imagined Spencer behind me. He looked down at me with a soft and loving smile.

“Yeah,” I sighed deeply before nodding. I lifted my head back up and looked at the men. “He’s gonna find me… And then he’s gonna find you.” I could feel a lazy smile grow on my lips as I stared at the men. My limbs and head felt… heavy. It was only a matter of time before whatever they put in me knocked me out for who knows how long. 

“Seriously doubt that,” one of the men said. I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head. “You’re not the first druggie we’ve taken. And you most certainly won’t be the last,” he added. 

“You might be good… But they’re better…” I spoke softly as my eyes slowly started to close. “Then you’ll be in jail for the rest of your lives.” And that was the last thing I said. In fact, that was the last thing I remembered, period.

Because the next thing I knew, I was sitting in a field though. Tall wheat stalks swaying beside me, the sun warming up my skin, and a soft breeze blowing through my hair. It made me feel… Happy and safe. 

But a voice in the back of my head told me I was not in fact in a field.  And I was actually sitting in an abandoned building. Nothing about that should make me feel happy or safe. I was in danger… But my brain couldn’t comprehend the danger because of whatever drug I was given.

My back was pressed against the wall behind me. My legs were extended out in front of me, and my arms were limp beside me. A rope was tied around my torso, keeping me to whatever it was I was sitting against. A syringe sat beside me and the contents that were once in it… were racing in my blood. It felt really good. 

“Hey, hey,” a familiar voice spoke up from next to me. I blinked and smiled as I looked towards where the voice came from. Spencer was looking down at me. The worry and concern on his face was no bother to me. In fact, I only saw it for a brief moment before I ignored it.

“Spencer,” I sighed and smiled at him before dropping my head to my shoulder, “Isn’t it nice outside,” I rolled my head and looked up at the sky. “I’m so happy you’re here,” I whispered as I tried to lift a hand to touch his face. My arms felt so heavy though. It felt near impossible to even try to lift them.

“Do you know where you are?” he asked, dropping to his knees beside me. I furrowed my eyebrows before blinking. Suddenly I was no longer in a wheat field but in a cold hard reality. Spencer pulled a knife from his pocket before cutting the rope off me.

“N-no… No, I don’t,” I whispered as I looked around the room I was in. Several of our friends, and Spencer’s co-workers, were standing in front of me, and I was very anxious. But that could be because of whatever I was given. “Can… Can they leave? Can you tell… Can you please…” I sniffled as I started becoming very aware of my surroundings and my current situation. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and my body started twitching lightly. 

“Guys...” Spencer looked over his shoulder at his friends, silently asking them to leave. They all holstered their weapons before leaving Spencer and I. I could feel tears racing down my cheeks but I couldn’t do anything about it. I glanced at the ground and stared at the syringe and empty vile beside me.

“I don’t know what that is. I don’t…” I started blabbing but ultimately stopped when words just wouldn’t work. “I didn’t… I didn’t want it… I prom…. I promise.”  

“Hey, hey this isn’t your fault.” Spencer looked at me as he cupped both my cheeks with his hands. I stared at him for a moment before a weird hyperactivity took over in my eyes. “It’s okay,” he whispered as he wiped the tears from my eyes. 

“I don’t… I don’t know where I am,” I whispered and closed my eyes. I fell forward into Spencer’s arms. He cradled the back of my head and allowed me to cry into his shoulder. 

“We’re gonna take you home, okay? We’re gonna take you to the hospital, and you’re gonna be safe,” he kept talking softly, trying to calm me down. But it was so hard to actually calm down when I didn’t know what was happening to me. “I’m gonna pick you up, okay?”

I swallowed roughly and nodded. My arms, though they were heavy, wrapped around his neck. Spencer wrapped his arms around my body, holding me in a traditional bridal fashion. 

I felt safe again once I was in Spencer’s arms. I could tell that my safety was Spencer’s main concern. Which was understandable… I wasn’t sure how long I was gone for… So if I was gone for a long time, he’d be more than worried. So that’d explain why I felt safe.

Spencer didn’t leave my side the second I was with EMTs and in an ambulance. His hand held mine, to ensure I felt safe, the whole trip to the hospital. I hated the eerie silence that fell over us. I wanted our usual banter and comfortable silence instead. But… the eerie silence is what he had. It was what we needed though. 

I’ve never been in a situation like this before. But Spencer? I’m sure he’s been in them many times. He works for the FBI, solving murder cases, for a living. He’s probably ridden in an ambulance more than once, whether it was for him or for a friend or for an unsuspecting victim. 

{***}{***}{***}

I couldn’t say how long I would stay awake when I was awake. And I couldn’t count how much I was in and out of consciousness. All I knew was I was in a hospital, and I was safe, and I didn’t have to worry.

Spencer was sitting on the chair beside the bed. I knew he hadn’t slept one bit. Part of me wondered if he slept at all since I first went missing, or since I’ve been back. But the exhausted look on his face told me everything I needed to know. 

His eyes were on me as I pretended to be asleep. I only knew his eyes were on me because I could feel it. Then again he hasn’t left my side since he first found me… how ever many days ago that was.

I gave up my charade of faking rest and just looked at him. And I was right, his eyes were on me. I wondered if he thought I was going to disappear again, vanish from his sight for who knows how long. I wish there was a way I could tell him I wouldn’t. But at this point it was hard to say whether or not that was the truth.

“Go back to sleep. You need rest,” Spencer whispered once he noticed I was actually awake. I stared at him and shook my head. It felt impossible to get comfortable in the bed. Although, it probably wasn’t just the bed. It was probably a number of factors.

“I can’t,” my voice was soft, quiet. Tremors worked through my muscles, making my body shake. Even if I tried to still my body, it only failed and made my body shake more.

Spencer stood up and, with two large steps, appeared by my side. His hand brushed over my head before falling to hold my own hand.

“You’re okay now. You’re safe,” he whispered as he looked down at me. I swallowed roughly and nodded.

“That still doesn’t stop the images…” I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked up at him. “Can you sit with me?” my voice wavered as I spoke. The worried crease in Spencer’s eyebrow melted away as he looked at me.

“I can do that,” he replied, nodding his head before sitting beside me. I shifted over so he could have some space. His body was tense as he sat beside me. And I hated that.

“How long was I gone for?” I whispered as Spencer wrapped an arm around me. He looked down at me, the exhaustion on his face worrying me. “Please don’t lie either.” I quickly added when I realized he was probably formulating a lie. Though, I don’t know if a lie would make it better or worse. 

“Three days,” he whispered, looking down at me. I swallowed roughly before grabbing his hand. I didn’t like how small my hand looked with his and with all of the IVs and shit. In fact, I hated it. I hated it so much. I hated everything about my life right now. I hated everything except for Spencer.

“How’d you… How’d you know how to find me?” 

“Well… We went to my apartment and saw the mess… I remembered you said errands. One thing led to another… Laundromat… Groceries… It took a day before we found the... men who took you,” Spencer explained. My body tensed as I thought about it, even though my memories were a little… foggy, I knew what happened. 

“What did I do to deserve this though?” my voice was low and so shaky I felt like I imagined myself saying it. But it was the way Spencer looked down at me with a somber look in his eyes that told me that I did indeed say it.

“You didn’t deserve this. We’re working on tracking the men who did this to you. And when we do find them, they’ll be going to jail for a very long time,” Spencer whispered as he brushed his hand over my hair. I swallowed hard and nodded my head lightly. 

“I just… I just don’t understand.” I looked up at him, feeling tears fall to me cheeks. Spencer looked back at me, his hands holding mine like his life depended on it. “Please don’t leave… Just… Just stay here.”

“I won’t. You don’t have to worry about that. I’ll stay as long as you need me too.” He lifted a hand and wiped my cheeks. “Can you try to get some rest? Your body needs it.”

“I can… I can try but I don’t think I’ll sleep.” I shrugged before pulling the blanket tighter around my body. Spencer stayed beside me, his arms around my body like he was a shield.

if you want to be a part the series taglist or have any comments/questions about this part, let me know here

series taglist: @itsametaphorbriansblog , @bxtchboy69 , @sammypotato67 , @seninjakitey  , @thatsonezesty13  , @thebluetint  , @honestlystop  , @herecomesthewriterwitch  , @mediocrity-atitsfinest  , @honeyboysteezy  , @aluna190  , @mggsprettygirl  , @vampiracontessa  , @cielo1984 , @anotherlokismind , @muffin-cup @misshale21 @ash19871962​ @spenciegoob​

tags that didn’t work: @takeyourleap-of-faith , @shameleswhorehourstm  , @mediocrehamiltrash

[itsonlystrange]

So I just took a deep dive on Byler Twitter and realized how many people literally devote their whole accounts just to talk sh!t about Kaypeace and her theories along with Byler shippers in general. Honestly, the duffers would not be proud of this. Is this seriously what our show has become? People are BASHING someone just because they have hope in a ship?

They’re calling Bylers deranged, delusional, lost soldiers, “in need of a rude awakening”, and more! Like who hurt you? How upset do you have to be with yourself to say this about someone just for shipping two fictional characters? They seriously can’t stand the fact that someone has hope for something and that there is actually proof tied to it. I’ve seen countless people say that she’s “digging up dust bunnies and pretending it’s gold.” Or that she’s “deranged and needs an awakening.” Which is just horrible! Why would you say that about someone?! Just letting you know that Finn, Millie, AND Noah would 100% find you HORRIBLE for saying things like this. This ISNT the fandom they wanted to raise. The show is not surrounded by byler OR Mileven and either way the show is phenomenal without either and there are so many more components. The duffers would not be proud of this behavior. You gotta admit, there are a lot of byler clues throughout all 3 seasons and calling us deranged for seeing something like that is terrible of you.

Saying that she needs mental help for picking up on hints that 2 people may be in love? Seriously? What is wrong with those people! Why do people have an issue with someone having hope. It’s not like we as Bylers are doing this for Mileven. I haven’t seen a Mileven Hate account in ages. And we personally do not claim those who do that. But I don’t understand why people seriously have an issue with the fact that two people could potentially end up together. How am I deranged for shipping two fake characters? Finn has said countless times to STOP with the ship wars and that he isn’t proud of it. This fandom is so toxic at times and is so horrible. You cannot deny that there are some pretty solids hints of Byler being canon. Kaypeace is not treating herself as If she is some saint. She has never said that all of her theories will be correct. But hell, some of them have been in the past! And with all of this proof, how are we deranged for seeing what’s clearly there? And how are we delusional for having faith in something? People really just wanna ruin our parade and ruin our happiness just because we see potential in 2 characters dating and being end game. This show is NOT a romance and exists without any love in it! So can we all stop acting like the show runs on Mileven or Byler or Jopper or Lumax or Jancy or whatever! We both can acknowledge that both ships have a lot of proof and that is that. Whatever happens, we cannot change. If people seriously get this worked up over the fact that Mike may not be in love with El, that seems like a personal issue. I’m not saying there aren’t toxic Bylers but the Mileven community from what I’ve seen has been HORRIBLE. They gaslight us and completely invalidate how we feel just because it’s “Delusinal” and “isnt canon”. Like?? What???

Also, please stop using the words “delusional” or “deranged” or “mental help” over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. Implying that someone needs to go to a mental hospital just because they enjoy watching a tv show and analyzing it is HORRIBLE. And also horrible to ppl who actually experience delusions as well. It is not a mental illness to ship Mileven or Byler and none of what either are seeing are “delusions” or “hallucinations”. Google what Delusions means first before being an a$$ about it. The hate in this fandom is SO TOXIC. And if the duffers saw this behavior they would be mortified. The duffers would not invalidate either ship in any interview so can we all just stop. It’s THEIR show and at the end of the day they’ll do whatever they want to it. If that means that your ship isn’t canon, then so be it. But saying that “Milevens are always gonna win” and that “Mileven is end game” and then claiming Bylers are delusinal for shipping 2 fictional characters,,,,,, then doesn’t that make Milevens delusinal for shipping 2 fictional characters too?? None of us are delusinal or deranged or anything. We are all human. Let us all have faith.

And also, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is set in stone. Mileven isn’t endgame yet and Byler isn’t end game yet either. For f@!$ sake, Mike could even end up with Max! El could end up with Lucas! We literally never know! So, stop treating like we know the end of the show. We have proof and we analyze it. Why would the duffers be giving us this much proof if it wasn’t to analyze. If Milevens are allowed to theorize then so are Bylers. Hell, maybe Will AND el die by the end and Mike ends up lonely with 3 cats.

This is STRANGER THINGS. The show is all about subverting tropes. So just take all of your expectations and throw them out the window. Because 99% of the time, we are completely blown out of our minds. If there was any show that was gonna leave us in total shock when the season finale airs, it’s stranger things. The duffers know how to write. And they know exactly what they are doing. If Mileven does end up together, so be it. But if Byler is end game, don’t cry about It. Don’t make up some false reality, because ironically that would make YOU the delusional one, haha. But in all seriousness, nothing is set in stone. Anyone remember how off our theories were for season 3? Or how off our theories were for season 4 compared to now? People were convinced S4 was taking place during thanksgiving break, that Steve was joining the Force, that Robin was getting a girlfriend (I hope!), etc. Everything in this show happens for a reason, the duffers said so themselves. And this show is an ENSEMBLE SHOW. No character is the main character. This isn’t a rom com and the show could very well end up with everyone dead besides Keith! We literally don’t know. So can we stop calling ppl delusional or insane for shipping 2 fake people. We’re allowed to theorize. And just bc it isn’t your opinion doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.

This needs to stop! Millie and Noah and the rest of the cast would not be proud of this behavior. Respect everyone’s ships. And for the love of god, stop making accs just to sh!t on Byler or any theorizer. Be a better person

(Please reblog)

@lolbyler @willthecleric @hawkinsschoolcounselor @kaypeace21

[horrorofthebeast]

hey gaia, is there any particular information about schizophrenia youd want non-schizophrenics to know? or any things you know of that would be good for non-schizophrenics to read / watch / etc to learn?

Schizophrenia symptoms are divided into two parts: positive and negativethat doesnt mean the positive are actual good things to experience, it just means something is added(positive symptoms) and one is taking away(negative symptoms).

you can look these up easily but i want to focus on symptoms or the results of symptoms that arent usually associated with schizophrenia

echolalia (i do this A LOT): repeating a word or phrase that you just heard

echopraxia: reflecting gestures seen  (like echolalia but with movement instead)

low motivation and bad memory = worst you have ever seen me. its hard enough to make me do stuff. but if i put it off until “later” i will NOT remember it, or i will and ill just keep putting it off til the end of time. sadly this applies to hygiene, not just homework, cleaning or things that have been added to your day. its embarrassing but i would rarely take showers in highschool. i would “fake” take a shower for my parents. i still have trouble with my room’s cleanliness and brushing my teeth.

lots of adhd experiences can be applied to schizophrenia due to the close proximity of symptoms. i was diagnosed with adhd before my schizo diagnosis, i do not have adhd.

not all schizophrenics have hallucinations, you do not need to have hallucinations to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, there are a lot more symptoms but hallucinations arent the hallmark.

we have trouble feeling emotions or the correct emotions. its hard for me to explain at the moment but it feels like “where did they go?”. inappropriate emotions may be attributed to the disconnected thoughts.. example: people will see me laughing/smiling big for no reason but it’s because im having a conversation about “spaghetti popcorn” in my head (which made me laugh a bunch when i worked at AMC). so like its not inappropriate to me, but to other people

the phenomena of thoughts being “taken” from our heads. it’s a pretty common thing in schizo, the “taken away” part. because it DOES feel like someone took it away from you because you JUST  had it. 

being TOO CLOSE to media. some schizophrenics will get way into the story (due to our trouble to tell what is reality) and even think they are the main character or they’re friends with all the characters in the movie/comic/show/story/etc. an example i have was when i played drv3.i didnt kow it but i was WAY too absorbed in the game mentally. when i learned kaede was going to die i started geting very anxious and desperate, i sobbed for about a whole hour or 2 about it. i couldnt get over it. listening to clair de lune would make me cry all the time until maybe a year passed.

Grandiose delusions, basically they think theyre very important to the world or they think they have powers. (i used 2 think i had luck powers but i still feel like ill make a big change to the world one day bc i feel like im a really important person). they arent talked about much, i dont think, but theyre really easy for people to make us seem evil and crazy because of it :/

this is all i can think of rn that doesnt seem like obvious symptoms to noskies i hope this helped, anyone is allowed to ask me further questions

[teletapedarc]

aesthetics for the entities, all of them.   bold what applies to your muse, italics what applies situationally or only in certain verses. repost. do not reblog. from @sagamemes. under the cut bc it’s long as hell. TAGGED BY: no one TAGGING: you.

i.  the buried.   weighed blankets.  drowning.  the comfort of a loved one’s weight.  soil and sand piling on top of you.  hugging so hard it hurts a little.  cramped hiding spots.  letting out air underwater to sink to the bottom of the pool.  walls pressing in on you.  not moving from a position even though you’re cramping a little.  dragging the last second before you have to inhale.  lonely subways.  feeling like one with the earth.  a layer of dirt on you.  looking for something below.  cardboard boxes and tiny pillow forts.  hands calloused from digging.  knowing that your purpose is just below the surface.  entering your final resting place before it kills you.  a storm drowning you out.  dust and sand speaking to you.

ii.  the corruption.   insects.  a close imitation of the natural course of life.  an illness in a community.  a rag that dirties more than it cleans.  an untreated wound.  containment.  breaching containment.  unbreathable air.  fungi.  one with that you love.  one with what loves you.  a corpse unfit for a glass case.  hearing a song in the sound of tiny wings and legs.  honeycomb patterns.  an ecosystem within a person.  a curse passed on.  the hubris of a scientist.  an ugly death where a glorious one is owed.  blood on a handkerchief.  parasites.  something pushing up the sewer.  a mask to keep something out.  trypophobia.  knowing you belong.  death weeks after impact.  fever.  food that’s gone off.  pandora’s box.  death behind a glass.

iii.  the dark.   shadows.  lights that turn off by themselves.  the feel of cold marble.  a beaked creature in the night.  the difference between seeing darkness and seeing nothing.  touch of something you can’t see.  hiding under a blanket.  white, clouded eyes.  months without going outside during sunlight.  pouring dark.  unscrewing lightbulbs.  black matter.  light sensitivity.  a starless night.  time before light was created.  a shadow on the wall without a body to attach to.  withering plants.  a world without a sun.  footfalls in an empty house in the night.  a light that doesn’t reach as far as it should.  desperate reach for a flashlight.  clothes that hide your shape.  staying unperceivable.  winter months in the north.  an empty church.

iv.  the desolation.   senseless pain.  warmth of faith.  wax where skin should be.  a blazing fire.  heat without a source.  the third or fourth tragedy in the family.  losing everything you’ve ever held dear.  so much to live for, gone so soon.  the smell of gasoline.  touch that scars.  coffee cup that never goes cold.  scorch marks on wood.  inescapably warm air.  a child born in fire.  death of a loved one.  a candle without a flame.  an altar in the middle of the woods.  animals with burnt fur.  plastic explosives.  burning hot metal.  sweating in an interrogation room.  never touching a loved one.  disfigurement.  a kiss that ruins you.  the scent of burning fat.  a tattoo that terrifies its viewer.  the agony of hellfire displayed as art.  auburn hair.  little clothing in cold weather.  a ripple in the air.  trying to cool down in vain.

v.  the flesh.   body horror.  factories.  a hunger for something more filling.  never quite happy with how you look.  the terror of an animal waiitng for slaughter.  a very good meal.  the liquid of a perfect steak.  fighting your worst survival instincts.  a twisted bone.  long nights working out.  more than one heart.  appearance that shapes like clay.  a bag of bones.  bone broth in a pot.  knowing to fear pigs.  the butcher’s shop.  plastic surgery.  something alien inside your body.  a hunger in the gaze laid upon you.  unwitting cannibalism.  forgetting what you used to look like.  being admired for your appearance and appearance only.  teeth marks on skin.  scars from wounds that should’ve killed you.  cooking in scarcity.  fenced in with one way to go.

vi.  the end.   the last page of a book.  nightmares that don’t feel like nightmares.  a skeletal hand.  the grip of the grim reaper around your throat.  existential pain.  ivory dice.  flatlining in a hospital.  gambiling with death.  as old as the universe.  soul and spirit tied to an object.  a dream where you die.  closing your eyes for the last time.  the plead of a dying one.  knowing the fate of someone you know and being unable to prevent it.  a thousand cords tugging you towards your end.  skin that’s freezing to the touch.  an act of desperation.  someone’s life for yours.  an eternity spent alive.  the cost of your selfishness.  watching your own burial.  causing your own burial.  the smell of death.  numbness to fear.  words from someone gone.  meaninglessness of the actions or lives of single people in the universe.  multiple near-death experiences you refuse to die from.

vii.  the eye.   googling something you shouldn’t have.  eureka moments.  the unforgiving lens of a camera.  witness reports.  hidden libraries.  eyes of different colours.  feeling of being watched.  a death recorded in tape.  a tragedy you can’t watch away from.  endangering yourself for knowledge.  truth.  analog records.  a symbol of an eye.  a watch tower.  compulsion to document.  turning on recording devices without thinking about it.  saving the evidence before the person.  extracting information.  truth or dare, without the dare.  a thirst for knowledge.  books that speak to you.  coordinated shelves.  cataloguing systems.  voyerism.  police report you can’t put down.  reasoning your way out.  smell of old papers.  books that read you back.

viii.  the hunt.   sharp canines.  sore calves after a run.  the scent of blood.  an adventure for the journey’s sake.  the adrenaline right before the kill.   a whistle’s echo.  the woods.  the doe eyes of a prey animal.  your own breath in the air.  sharpened claws.  being tracked.  fear of someone knowing your every movement.  hunting down monsters.  hide and seek.  running away only to end up where you started.  staying alive purely because the enemy enjoys seeing you run.  a set of footsteps behind you.  blood dripping from bare hands.  barks and growls.  focused eyes.  a victim going limp under your hands.  a mouth full of fresh blood.  catching the scent of something monstorous.  perfecting your craft.  peering into the dark and running after it.

ix.  the lonely.   an apartment too small for a double bed.  completely vacant streets.  waking up to see everyone gone.  fog.  point nemo.  a house too big to hear your family members in.  alone in a faceless crowd.  a mask with nothing behind it.  separated cubicles.  a deafening silence where joy should be.  a blinding spotlight.  the least missed in your friend group.  streets without lights in the windows.  isolation.  not truly knowing your friends.  your friends not truly knowing you.  need for silence.  fear of crowds.  staring into space knowing nothing is looking back at you.  a ship alone at sea.  depression.  knowing your friends are better off without you.  talking to someone only to realise they’re gone.  a family too large to notice you there.  safety in being alone.

x.  the slaughter.    a game of tag.   senseless violence.  a true crime hobby.  improvised weapons.  blinding rage.  intent to kill.  a horrific day in a quiet community.  a medal of bravery.  holding on to what validates your anger.  history books that spare no details.  an injury you want revenge for.  war.  counting kills.  songs of soldiers.  a knifeblock on the counter.  a pool of blood.  shellshock.  unspeakable horrors.  anger pushing you forward.  unimaginable pain.  not seeing who will hurt you but knowing the pain is coming.  a fully human monster.  an authority sending its lessers to their deaths.  kill or be killed.  unedited wartime memoirs.  a weapons collection.  not knowing the names of who you kill.  too many to remember.  loss of hope.  there’s no heroes in war.

xi.  the spiral.   sleep deprivation.  corridors you can get lost in.  maze puzzles that loop back on themselves.  losing possessions.  losing people.  losing your sanity.  corkscew curls.  rows of funhouse mirrors.  optical illusions.  a separate reality.  walking through the wrong door.  delusions.  not knowing what your hands are doing.  blank spaces in documents.  hallucinations.  wrong proportions.  a nameless thing.  a place that has never existed.  doubting your own mind.  blind faith.  losing track of names, labels, categories.  distorted sound.  an imperfection in a glass that twists the view.  loss of time.  a garish colour.  doors that open to nowhere.  lies.  an unnatural laugh.  jokes and tricks.  illusions.  a doorway.  a sculptor with a wild imagination.  limbs in impossible angles.  doing what’s fun, not what’s sensible.  fractals you can get lost in.

xii.  the stranger.   wax figures.  a close approximation of a human face.  a borrowed appearance.  a strange smell.  glass eyes.  furs and pelts.  a dance.  a song of a choir.  the uncanny valley.  stitching yourself together.  the colours of a circus.  a puppet with no strings.  mannequins.  glitter and sequin.  a stranger you’ve always known.  someone strange in the place of someone you knew.  stolen identities.  stolen skins.  a machine imitating humanity.  the anonymity of a service worker.  hiding in plain sight.  uncomfortable to look at.  a faked accent.  concealing.  forgetting who you are.  forgetting who others are.  a replacement no one notices.  images that look posed.  the only one seeing the false face of someone.

xiii.  the vast.   open spaces.  carnival rides going up and down.  fear of heights.  endless infinity around you.  your insignificance in an universe.  stomach turning at a drop.  fear of not the crash down but the moment you slip.  the sway of a cable car.  an adventure holiday.  losing track of where the surface is.  miles and miles of nothing around you.  staring at the sky and feeling like you may fall into it.  loss of control.  a fall that doesn’t end in death.  glass floor to the view below.  terminal velocity.  the sound of wind in your ears.  a reach over the railing.  a jump from the top of the building.  falling into nothing.  feeling your feet let go of the ground.  a leap of faith.  motion sickness.

xiv.  the web.   undecipherable code.  a puppeteer holding the strings.  power over the weak-willed.  strings of fate.  manipulation.  an arranged accident.  a hundred minions doing your bidding.  cobwebs.  spiders.  a laid trap.  never voicing discomfort.  outwitting a cheater.  doing things without realizing it.  red string across a corkboard.  finding something lost where you were sure you checked.  power over the unreliability of chance.  watching others dance for you.  an entangled death.  a thousand tiny legs and fangs.  shady forum threads.  something important gone missing.  suspiciously disregarded case.  a missing witness.  connections.  the world wide web.  power of victimhood.  gullibility.  no control over your own decisions.  an invisible leash.  mass psychology.  a horror film in the making.  scapegoat.  never remembering to ask for a name.

+  the extinction.   the end of an era.  apocalypse movies.  the alarms of warning systems.  a desolate landscape.  end of the world cults.  nihilism.  the last written history.  a changed world.  no survivours.  old prophecies.  a thousand predicted ends.  a new chapter.  an end with no escape.  catastrophes.  a calendar counting down.  breaking point.  overindulgence.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

on carol/caryl and why i trust angela kang

first and foremost, i think it should be noted that gimple handed over a complete clusterfuck to kang, and instead of following his shitstorm of a vision, she completely revamped and revived an almost dead show (lol walking dead, zombies, resurrection, #nice), so that alone should show that she’s up to snuff in terms of talent, but lemme tell you my feelings in regards to my girl, carol.

like most carylers, i was like, “ew, no, stop,” when it came to the carzekiel news, and was feeling really downtrodden about it, that is until the whole season came out, and i was able to look back and see how clear it was, from the very beginning, that the relationship was never supposed to be a real relationship.

let’s pick it apart, shall we? 

the first thing that comes to mind is the fact that carol never once tells zeke she loves him, and tbh, barely shows more affection to him than she did to tobin, to whom she all but said, “yeah, no, the stuff between us was hella fake,” so that alone is enough for me to go -thinking emoji-.

but wait! there’s more! it is a theme throughout the whole season that carol 1. adamantly rejects the title of queen, and 2. hides aspects of her real self from zeke. she is always visibly annoyed whenever someone calls her queen, only saying it once to placate zeke after he had a no good, horrible, terrible, very bad day. (because she’s not a monster--she does care about zeke. she just doesn’t love him romantically)

my favorite part is #2, where kang sets the precedent real fast in the time skip that murder!carol is alive and well, when she straight up burns a bunch of saviors alive. also, the line, “the ring i could have gone without,” or whatever it was, could have easily been a throwaway line, except i’ve come to realize that kang doesn’t do throwaway lines. that was definitely on purpose. 

massive lol, btw, at how everyone kept being like, “oh no, there might still be saviors out there! we gotta be careful!” and carol was just:

next, carol’s appearance! remember the uproar about her hair and how fucking atrocious it was? deliberate af. with how hard makeup and design went in on s9, there’s no way they would have fucked carol up that badly. and we /know/ they know how to make her look stunning and badass at the same time, bc look:

(i stole your gif @mywalkingdeadsideblog, forgive me plz)

carol’s whole look up until henry dies made me go, “why does she look like some fairy tale queen who does nothing but sit in a castle all day?” and then i was like, “oh. duh.” because /that was the point/. she wasn’t supposed to look like herself, because she wasn’t living like herself, because she was living this escapist, fairy tale adventure. look at her in the “the storm”. waaaaay different look, because she’s finally herself again.

then, there’s just the straight up admission from carol that the whole thing wasn’t real. she literally says, “i’ll never regret the fairy tale.” it was never anything more than that. she had her kingdom, her king, and their son, and then she lost henry, and was forced to remember that, oh shit, running from my problems /never actually does shit/. and she promptly ends it, and goes back to daryl.

so yes, now relating it back to daryl. daryl is the only person alive on the planet who truly knows who carol is. she’s who she literally sneaks out of the house to go visit in the woods, just to be herself again for a while. he gets why she’s doing it, it’s why he never objected to her getting married in the first place. (even tho his face when she tells him zeke proposed was so laughably, “what? ew.”)

carol doesn’t show zeke her scars. he knows about the abuse, but he doesn’t /know/ about it. he doesn’t know that she lights people on fire in her downtime. he doesn’t know how far gone she really got. when she was losing her mind in her creepy little solitude house, smoking herself to death and making tally marks of how many people she’s murdered, zeke responded by giving her fruit. he doesn’t understand, and to that end, he doesn’t know she doesn’t believe in the fairy tale the way he does. he thinks it’s life, and she thinks it’s a place to hide. she tells daryl that zeke is an idealist. she doesn’t think he’s grounded in reality at all, but that’s why she sticks around, because reality fucking sucks, and plus she has a kid to take care of, but i think there is a marked difference in how carol acts around daryl vs. zeke. she looks so much more relaxed and open, and talks more flippantly and earnestly.

there is no one but daryl left that knows her. michonne is the second closest, and even she never spent all that much time with her. i think the only other person besides daryl that really gets how truly terrifying carol is would be rick, and even then, he’s kind of just afraid of her lmao.

so taking that and moving it into s10, i think what we’re getting set up for is carol finally (finally!) having to face her demons, and she is gonna be Mad Bonkers over it, and daryl, being the only one who understands, is gonna be the one who has to help her through that. 

think about the s9 opening credits. i’ve said this before, but having melissa mcbride’s name over the crossbow, pike, and cherokee roses was hella foreshadowing to the fact that her fantasy was gonna break, and daryl was gonna be the one to pick her up, not zeke.

so we got carol going on a ptsd revenge rampage of insanity, and poor daryl is over here reeling from the fact that he suddenly has a daughter on top of the fact that his girl is finally single but is crazy crackers and trying to get herself killed, so of course he’s gonna be like, “you’re my best friend and definitely not the love of my life, haha, are you still hallucinating your dead children?” because they’re not at that point yet.

kang says they’re going to address daryl’s lack of love life. none of the cast members have said anything that negates the possibility of caryl (i would argue the contrary, tbh), and the trailer shows that the two of them are finally in this together again.

looking back at s9, every drop of carol’s story was symbolic and deliberate, and that makes me believe that we finally have a showrunner who knows how to tell a story, and knows how to read characters, and, most importantly, understands not only carol, but how she and daryl are intertwined and desperately important to one another.

i trust her. i have hope that, whether we get the naked pretzel by the end of the season or not, kang is not going to do our babies dirty like gimple did. she gets it. 

we’ve been burned, but caryl is no longer in the hands of the person who burned us. i think that means that for once it’s not too out there to have a little hope.

thanks for coming to my TedTalk,

-diz

[pathologicalwillowkinnie]

Well

So, whenever me and my buddies get bored we look up 'story generators' and put eachothers names in the slots and see what happens.

And none of my friends are here and im bored

Soooo

Naturally i made one with spinellllll

Bc i lonesome

But this is the result and none of them make sense :)

1. During the course of the story, Spinel doll picked up the secret to eternal life and therefore doesn't die.

2. The entire story is a figment of Spinel doll's imagination. She wants to prove what a great story teller she is.

3. Spinel doll is really a vampire.

4. Steven Universe's dream was not a premonition and meant nothing.

5. Spinel doll has secret powers resulting from a virus.

6. The whole plot is a premonition, not reality.

7. The person claiming to be Steven Universe is actually an imposter.

8. Y/N L/N poisoned Spinel doll at the beginning of the story, and it's taken the whole story to take effect.

9. Steven Universe is actually Spinel doll's father.

10. Y/N L/N was adopted and didn't know.

11. The whole thing is actually an origin story for a well-known franchise.

12. Steven Universe is just a brain in a jar.

13. A lost children's poem shows that Y/N L/N was always destined to save the day.

14. Steven Universe is actually a zombie.

15. Spinel doll used to be a celebrity but didn't realise as she has been suffering from amnesia.

16. The beginning of the story was staged by Y/N L/N to help Spinel doll become a stronger character.

17. It turns out they are all living in a computer game.

18. Steven Universe was bitten by a vampire much earlier in the story but signs were delayed.

19. Steven Universe faked his own disappearance.

20. Spinel doll has been an alien all along.

21. It's really the past.

22. The whole things is not a story but a brainwashing tool used by the government.

23. The story is just one iteration of an infinite loop.

24. Spinel doll's dying utterances are actually a premonition

25. Spinel doll has been possessed the whole time.

26. The whole plot is a novel, rather than reality.

27. Y/N L/N is actually Spinel doll's mother.

28. The narrator is unreliable and half the plot never happened.

29. The entire story is Spinel doll's hallucination whilst she is having an operation.

30. Y/N L/N was just using Spinel doll for money.

31. Spinel doll is the villain.

32. Steven Universe is head of the criminal organisation they've been fighting.

33. The person we think is the villain is actually working for a bigger villain.

34. Spinel doll is an imaginary friend.

35. The entire plot was a ruse designed to teach Y/N L/N a lesson.

36. The town they live in doesn't really exist.

37. Spinel doll turns to the dark side.

38. Spinel doll has been dead all along.

39. Spinel doll was switched with another baby at birth.

40. Y/N L/N and Steven Universe are both manifestations of Spinel doll's subconscious.

41. The goodies and the baddies all actually want the same outcome and have to work together in the end.

42. Earth has been destroyed and they're all living in a virtual reality.

43. Steven Universe is actually a 100-year-old man with a growth disorder.

44. Y/N L/N wasn't born but created in a lab.

45. A perceived misfortune in Spinel doll's past was actually set up to protect her.

46. Steven Universe isn't really bipolar.

47. It turns out Steven Universe only exists in the cloud.

48. Y/N L/N was stolen as a baby and brought up by kidnappers.

49. It turns out they are all flamingos.

50. Y/N L/N is not really dead.

Website: https://www.plot-generator.org.uk/

[acquagalaxies]

my bits for “Together Alone”

It’s incredible how much happened in just 11 minutes, as It’s difficult to even decide where to start. Hard was also to not scream every 0.5 seconds for all the things the crewniverse and miss Sugar dropped in. Since already many of us covered up a lot of the stuff that have been proposed in a marvelous way, with all the references of the case, I’d just write down some thoughts I had in mind. to join my rant about an episode that blow my mind and try to talk calm-

THEY LITERALLY CONFIRMED THE “WHITE PEARL/ONCE PINK PEARL” THEORY IN THE FIRST FEW SECONDS CARTOON NETWORK U WANT ME TO DIE I HAD A STROKE SOMEONE HOLD ME I CAN BEAR THIS WITH MY ONLY STRENGH.

Ehm. So. What is presented to us I think is something like we saw in “Jungle Moon”: one of Pink Diamond’s past memories that appears in the shape of a dream, distorted by Steven’s mind (since, is in fact a dream and not just a vision/hallucination), which is a normal thing while one is dreaming, the brain in the unconscious state works and interprets things in a little bit different way, especially when it comes to memories: in the dream world the situation can take some sort of “surreal” twist that of course changes from what happened in reality and from what you remember consciously, in this case Yellow Diamond’s massively long neck (I wonder if the crewniverse is aware of the fandom’s YD giraffe neck meme and add it on purpose).

(the fact this all could have been a dream is evident already by the very first frame of the episode, when we see all the Diamonds’ ships on Homeworld perfectly intact, this alone made me confused at first for how strange and impossible it was, since we all know Yellow and Blue had to leave their ships on Earth for their being broken at the moment due to the events of Reunited.)

Aside that, the moment I loved the most is watching the complicity between Steven and this pearl (pretending to perform their role as what they’re supposed to do/be in front of others, satisfying their expectations so said others would not have anything to argue with, like Yellow smiling seeing everything seems to be at its right place, and when they’re alone again goofing around happily) that is just an altered reflection from the memory, in this case what is really shown is the bond Pink Diamond shared with who seems to be confirmed as her former pearl.

I couldn’t hold only inside a smile, because it’s heart-warming seeing this kind of relationship with someone else, with happy moments, laughter and bubbles, you can see that Pink treated her pearl like a close friend and most important, like an equal (many gems should take this behavior as a suggestion and moral model, but it’s very hard in their so hierarchical society to treat “lower gems” as your peer). By watching first the Jungle Moon flashback and Legs from here to Homeworld, I feared the physical damage that the now-white-pearl shows is the result of Pink Diamond’s infamous bursts of rage (since the first time she is introduced in Jungle Moon, Pink seemed used to this bad temper from what is seen to us, by this “brat and capricious behavior” of going around hitting things bc your parents didn’t give to you what you’re whining for) ended bad. I’m glad to see otherwise it’s apparently not Pink’s direct fault after all instead, the two seemed to share a more than good relationship.

(little thought: the way Steven lands graciously on the floor after his juggler number sweetly reminds me a bit when the young Greg met Rose in the old temple after their conversation on the beach.)

By this carefree spirit of hers and peaceful kind attitude, even a bit childish, the other diamonds maybe thought that was the pearl being a “bad influence” for Pink, deciding after to replace her with another (that’s why it is a little heart-breaking in now we’re only falling apart while Pink is trying to have a conversation with Pearl, she probably missed that complicity and the chatty moments with her old pearl, and because she wanted them to be friends and buddies, not just servant and master, encouraging Pearl to have her own thoughts and be self-conscious).

• but why keeping a broken pearl and not directly get rid of if the society cares so much of maintain only perfectly functional gems? What if White decided to keep Pink/White Pearl to make her be a constant walking reminder to Pink Diamond of who is really the one who commands and of what could happen if she tries again to make a gem behaving “different from how she is supposed to be and do”, or treats them differently from “the value” they own (like treating Pink Pearl an equal despite pearls are considered so much less, especially compared to a diamond). That’s creepy enough, I question if White was so cruel to make Pink watching while her so loved Pearl and (only real) friend turns from that pink fluffy sunshine ball into an empty shell smiling puppet without anything else left, ripped away from thoughts and individuality, a perfect obedient servant that would never get against your authority or retort your words.

The even sadder thing is, even if Steven will succeed in “bringing” back white pearl at her old self (something still welcomed just sayin’, #save the precious), still Pink Diamond, her diamond, the gem she was made for and with she shared that bond, is not here anymore.

Pink pearl has cinnamon buns on her hair bc like them she’s a cinnamon roll herself.

another heart-breaking detail is, by hearing them laugh, the voice getting from Pink Pearl’s mouth is patently Deedee Magno Hall’s, so Pearl’s supposed-to-be true voice. I’m weeping.

Then everything, pinkish and joyful, slowly becomes a grey dull nightmare, with Pink Pearl fading away into the void. Puking hair (whatever your own or someone else’s) in a dream often is the representation of the desire of expression about something that is denied. The will of wanting to express and be yourself that instead is being repressed (by someone, some situation, ecc.).  Or can also representing, in this particular case, White Diamond trying to push outside by force Rose Quartz’s persona/facade, a fake self, away from her Starlight.

Also, we’re finally able to see White’s hands (nails rigorously polished, I adore, as the cloak, so in style). Is not such important stuff but I appreciated that.

The pebbles are so adorable, they seems to love Pink Diamond’s very much (probably she was the only one that treat them decently, since apparently the word “pebble” is used in gem language also as a not-so-kind epithet? See Peridot using it with Steven when she was released from the bubble seasons ago), and I found  somehow cute (?) hearing one of them exclaiming “Pink is moving again” (which is totally reasonable since gems don’t have total acknowledge of what dreams are and what means sleeping in general, since is not something needful to them as is resting for organic beings). Plus, they apparently became attached at Connie too, that’s so sweet. Just to add, the green male pebble (which is also incredible to see a “kind” of gem being a “he”) chilling with Steven’s phone from the previous episode is so #icon. I love these little creatures.

“It almost feels like home” just being immediately replied with Garnet underlining embittered “almost” like to precise no matter how much the pebbles make the furnishing resembling as much as they can the real ones from Steven’s house back on Earth, still is not really “home”.

That grasps my heart a bit by hearing Blue Diamond, so emotionally and happily, announced than “we haven’t had Pink in 6000 years!”, since they still believe the one in front of them is always Pink Diamond and can’t well comprehend yet this aspect is not just a form Pink shapes for her amusement (just listening Yellow saying to her pearl “help her since she seems to have so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld”. But time to time), and getting worried this choice would not be liked by White, labeled as one of Pink’s usual childish jokes.

Ok but, someone pointed out that, “if the Diamond don’t throw a ball from 6000 years, then what about the Cosmic Jubilee Lars crashed in?” Well good question, I guess that is categorized as some kind of another event to participate at? I don’t think from Pink Diamond’s demise they never threw any party for other celebrations (a new colonial conquering for example).

Steven in the pink diamond’s outfit is a babe. It gives me the impression he actually wears It better than his mother.

What Yellow Pearl means exactly with “accept” or “reject” the members of Steven’s court? And… what happen to the ones that has been rejected from their diamonds?

Just realizing White’s throne other being of her dominant white shade, it actually reflects the colors of yellow, blue and pink, in the spots they’re placed the other thrones. Beside than being pretty aesthetical, it’s calling me the fact real life pure diamonds, reflecting the light, could do those spectacles of colors and reflections.

“Everyone stay where they belong” and Steven immediately floats near his friends and family. Bae.   smol beam of sunshine.

I really loved the explanation of what means to have “fun”, something you like to do, could it even be a passion or a simple playtime, for the good feelings it brings to you.

The pearls interactions, and the discovering of Blue Pearl’s hobby for drawing and Yellow’s for being a model just gives me life. I love the pearls and still want to learn more about their dynamics. Still, one of the moments that gives me chills is YP saying that “her feelings don’t matter” and how proudly she actually said it. Not gonna be surprised, we all know the conditions and how the pearls are considered in Homeworld society, as I know how much YP worships her diamond and how she considers herself lucky by having the “privilege” to serve the maximum rank of all gems. But still, it’s sad hearing someone states something like that without a problem.

OK SO. Since the very first Diamond Days trailer I was curious about one scene in particular: the one in which Blue Diamond separates with such brutality Steven from the group. I didn’t want to speculate about this just because I wanted first the context of the situation, and after seeing it… it actually makes more sense. I know people addressed this as Blue having a bitchy behavior because apparently she doesn’t want a Diamond that mingles herself with other gems (that compared to said Diamond, still remain lower beings, is like don’t wanting the princess of a country to get along with the farmers and peasants), but now it’s kinda reasonable? I mean, it’s still hurtful, but since White Diamond would be there, she’s afraid the gem matriarch would not be happy to see this kind out-of-the-rules behavior, and I’m sure no one would ever want to see White angry, am I wrong? Blue someways tries to protect Steven (and everyone’s asses) from doing a mistake in front of WD that could cost them. Still, it’s just the impression all the scene gave me, maybe I’m wrong.

NO NO BLUE, I UNDERSTAND YOU CAN’T FULLY COMPREHEND THE EARTH AND THE HUMAN HABITS, HOW ALL THERE WORK, CHANGE AND GROW, THAT IS SOMETHING BEYOND YOUR USUAL KNOWLEDGE, BUT DON’T DARE TO ADRESS CONNIE A SECOND TIME AS A “PET”, ‘kay?? Maybe she doesn’t do it through malice, but I really want episodes in which Steven teaches them with kindness and patience the beauties and worth of Earth, the things Pink Diamonds saw in the nature and its creatures, what took her to re-think her colonial project to preserve all of this, how magnificent and so different can be life, the organic beings, to change their consideration of them as inferior, they (we) just have another ways to live, to think and to do, that’s all. And when it comes talking about Amethyst…

“oh boy, here it comes…”

I know millions already talked and pointed out this but, I’m so proud of the character development  Amethyst is showing to us, already from the Heart of Crystal Gems arc. She has let behind her shoulders all the struggle, the feeling out of place, “wrong”, for being so different from the other quartz soldiers (“different” doesn’t mean “wrong”, and this is a very important teaching); she matures and understood it’s as alright as the way she is, and mean words from others is not worth her consideration, her tears, anymore, while in the past the same situation and phrases would have back the reaction to burst into trembling fury or silent crying.

From this dialogue whatever, it makes me consider one thing, probably “overcooked” gems seem not to be that much of scandal and dishonor (unless, Blue would have made more fussing about Amethyst and not allowed her into the ball in the first place): as long as they are, even with their “disabilities” and disadvantages, functional and useful for the society, it’s more or less consented and accepted. To not forget, Era 02 was for Homeworld a time of crisis in the production of gems due to less resources, so it’s not so shocked to see gems like Amethyst, or our Peridot, with less compared to the Era 01 gems, but still capable to fulfil a purpose.

Blue, for goddammit sake, let Garnet alone, together alone, thank you. at least, I’m content they included in this episode more lore, talking about the other types of “Garnets” presented on this planet: the Hessonites, of which we already have some acknowledge, thanks to the name dropped previously in Legs from Here to Homeworld and the contribution of  the “Save the light” game, that gives us clues on how they look like (someone else, beside me, prays to have the pleasure to see the same Hessonite from the game in the show? That would be cool, I can’t deny);

but also the Demantoids

And the Pyropes

However, who Blue just listed apparently are not invited at the ball. I’m not sure what kind of gems the ones presented above are, but they don’t seem to be Garnets however (the designs of those on the left – the green/yellow group – are kinda fascinating, not the same in my tastes for the ones on the right, but it concerns almost the “Thomas the Tank Engine” gems. Bad design in my opinion, but good memes for that. Interesting the choice to their “skirts” resembling gears, reminding Homeworld reflects a perfectly mechanic system where everyone has its specific place and purpose, working as, in fact, a gear in this immense society, and by fulfilling that purpose, this said society moves on and on, like a huge mechanism moved by the work of every single of its components – it’s also directly/indirectly underlined by their dancing afterwards, especially in the shooting sequence from above).

Look, look how many beautiful Garnets. Jokes aside, I’m really happy having the chance to see other sapphires (other rubies would same welcomed, of course), I already get in sympathy the cheek-gem one and the other few steps behind with a similar hairstyle like our Sapphire, but shorter:

oooh look these sapphires that never saw it comiiiiing

This is a one more time love for Garnet: even if she says moments before she’d not come, annoyed and angry for Blue Diamond’s talk to follow with head down the rules, she decides to do it for Steven, as Connie suggested, to give him the maximum support at the point to stay unfused for him. This, is real love too.

Aaand now here it comes the Diamonds!! Spectacular entry on the red carpet. Yellow is particular amused about how the project of the ball turned out, complimenting with Pink/Steven for the result (if she arrives to the point to congratulate with you and said that your idea is brilliant, you really did a good job then).

(same we could say for the future episodes)

E X T R A diamonds posing the way of their murals portrait.

as it is releasing sparkles and shimmers through the throne room at your subjects. because they’re glimmering and magnificent (shine like a diamond 🎶)

Icons. I adore. I can’t blame the random crow gem dropping tears, it’s so relatable I’d do the same.

Or the other one getting thrilled by the entrance of Yellow Diamond. I can’t blame her either.

But honestly, dat blue diamond hips sway. She is so elegant in her postures, a queen.

I know it sound so out of contest in the current talking but damn, Blue Diamond’s voice is so ASMR, soft and gentle. I especially feel nice chills hearing her says “you’re doing great”. Just. Fantastic.

“White Diamond… has more important things to attend to”  but 🙃, for real bro? It’s fucking new Homeworld Era ball. Pink Diamond return!! guess it’s important???? Poor Steven, he was so hopeful to catch the opportunity to finally talk to her (comparing my reaction with his when this was announced you won’t find any difference)

“Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place.”

How nobody says nothing about? a P-E-A-R-L that has the permission to stay on her diamond’s throne and be presented at her diamond’s place in sostitution. I don’t believe is something allowed to the other pearls (owed by a diamond or another high rank gem), to substitute their master and sit on their place during these events, even for Yellow P. or Blue P., or even our Pearl in her time on Homeowrld at the service of Pink Diamond. But maybe due to being the pearl of the most important Diamond and, if it’s her Diamond that orders her, it’s understandable and accepted. Dunno buddies.

Also, among all these crowds, it makes me remember Zircon’s words at the trial of what kind of gems were once in Pink Diamond’s entourage: where are the Agates, since there’re amethysts and quartz soldiers in attendance. Wasn’t their job to keep them on the line? And those sapphires? Are Pink Diamond’s? Or, since sapphires are considered aristocratic and not so common gems, this small group represent the only and all sapphires in the entire Homeworld? Another question, if not and there’d be others to meet, all Homeworld!Sapphires are all like classical blue sapphires or exist others of different types, like Padparadscha, but without being “off-colors”?

Plus, I’m sure the green/yellow gems are not from PD’s court but from Blue and Yellow’s (tiny hinted by those two react with emotion at their entrance, and we don’t see them greeting Pink like the other group do), but… there is none White Diamond’s gems (except the pearl, of course). After all, Yellow Pearl said  gems by the Diamonds are accepted or rejected. Think about it, maybe it’s why there’re no white gems…

But seriously tho, does White Diamond actually have her own court or directly ALL the entire society with all its gems is considered as “her court”, the other Diamonds included? Since her being the Mother of all gem kind and its supreme ruler, that would actually make more sense than the other way around.

Ok now, everyone get crazy about Connie’s “clever” move to drag Steven into dancing with her. I want to say, I don’t doom Connie for, quoting from others, “have been dumb”, instead, I appreciate her effort to cheering her friend up, as he always does to her. She knows she can’t totally be part of this world (due to many things, not being a gem, living a kind of life style so different from Homeworld standards, another mind-setting, and also c’mon, she is just a very young girl, you can’t pretend) , but she wants to stay on Steven’s side and support him as much as she can, to make smile again a friend so emotionally and mentally tired and down. She believed few moments of dance, enough to raise up Steven’s moral, would not hurt anyone, and no one intended to fuse, that was accidental. Many other replied that, thinking of it, every time that they danced on screen, they fused, so how did not see that coming?. Yes, every time on screen, but all the other times, off-screen? Like, on other afternoons, and at Garnet’s wedding after the ceremony, we don’t see them on the dance floor but I’m sure they didn’t miss the occasion to dance together and have fun. Not less important to mention, it was supposed to be a call-back, as the title of the episode, at “Alone Together”, as “The question” from the previous arc did with the older episode “The Answer”.

Plus, even Stevonnie is so adorable with Pink Diamond’s outfit. Pure bae.

While watching this gesture with the hands, I like to think is Steven and Connie individually still holding hands from the dancing, just a second before realizing now the hands of one became the hands of the other as well.

Oh, and there we are. Things fucked up in the worst of the scenarios. (there’d be a lot to say in particular about White Pearl’s frown at the sign of Connie and Steven twirling happily together, but all my thoughts I collected in a separated post, giving to that theory its own space, that I’d link here). Yellow whisper with tight teeth “Pink what are you doing?” is a cause of bad news.

And then the Crystal Gems come at the rescue, with Garnet and Opal (!!! before taking her down in 0.2 seconds, why this cartoon network, do you really want, at the end of the series, people coming up with videos like “every time Opal shows up” just to be, if everything went good, two and half minutes long? Is what you really want, CN?)

But the real surprise came with her:

from the end credits of the episode it’s “Jade”, she is actually very adorable: this little missing tooth, these sunshine eyes and the gem-stones placed like two puffy cheeks make her even more sweet (judging by the combination of her dress, I was right saying the yellow and green gem from before during the entrances of the diamonds belong respectively to Yellow’s and Blue’s court). It’s admirable having the courage to do “coming out”, encouraged by the CG’s bravery, standing for what they have fate in and for what is right, even if it means getting against the society’s stricter rules and meet the judge of the rulers themselves, with all the possible consequences. I’m sure she believed Pink/Steven, by her influence dictated by her high rank status, would approve and legalize cross-gem fusions and decided to stay by this diamond side. “I knew I couldn’t be the only one” is sorrowful to hear, so away from Homeworld’s eyes exist other gems of different types that fuse for love, but have to keep it hidden to not meet an horrible fate (shattered or possibly harvested). That’s sad. Let them be.

Also, love Stevonnie and Opal staring at Garnet like “yo man, you’re the fusion expert, what about that?”, and Garnet is just idk stuff dudes.

ok but, it’s not that Ruby and Sapphire lost their wedding rings after being poofed, right? … right…? (#edit after ChangeYourMind watching: thank the Lord it didn’t happen)

Scene: *everyone poofed, delirium, everything went wrong and Stevonnie is grounded* the evil gremlin inside my head: new outfits/new intro?

Last thing, I just want to make a point about Stevonnie’s “prison”:

A dark locked place at the top of a tower. Now, some time ago, Rebecca Sugar took part on a livestream with other cartoon creators, on the occasion, while talking about different stuff, Alex Hirsch (creator of Gravity Falls), asks miss Sugar what would happen if a gem was placed in a dark room for a long amount of time. Rebecca simply replied “I can’t answer that”, surely because if she does, it could be spoiler for the upcoming episodes (this constant keeping it secret is an ongoing situation with her, lol). The fact is, we all know the physical form of a gem is a projection of light that shapes in actual matter, to allow them to interact, act and speak, and it’s from light itself a gem takes her nutriment (and not from food, like organics do).

So deprive a gem of light (whatever kind: the sunlight, the moonlight, the stars’ light, natural light or artificial light), of her only nutriment, is the equivalent of making her “starving”? Adopted as a form of torture for gems considered needing a punishment for a possible wrong action?

A gem in a room surrounded only by darkness, without even the tiniest glimmer of light, what happens when she reaches her limit and lost all the energies left? Would she became a simple, faded, inanimate gemstone as the our ones from Earth?

Bonus: Who noticed that?

Since the answer I always had the anxiety these two rubies get shattered for ineptitude towards the mission to strike down the rebels and protect Sapphire. I’m glad they’re still around then.

[sweetlysilent]

Figment (Ch. One)

Requested By: Nobody

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Reader

Warnings: Traumatic Memories, Fear, Symptoms of Anxiety, Mention of Pennywise, Slight Bill x Reader, etc.

Summary: 

When is a door not a door? Most people tend to always overthink the question, over processing what the answer could be, when in reality it’s right in front of your face. When it’s ajar. This is a riddle that is constantly in the back of your mind.

Just like your greatest fear, it lurks between the space of the door, showing it’s form like a shadow, always creeping behind you. But you convince yourself it’s just a figment of your imagination, that it’s all in your head, that you’re just seeing things. But, what happens when the Loser’s Club end up seeing it too?

A/N: So, I don’t know how many people enjoy this lil blurb mini series but I really like it so I’m going to continue writing it bc it makes me happy. If you like it too then by all means go ahead and read it and if you don’t then don’t read it :)) I post other content too.

This isn’t exactly based off the movie or the book, I’m just kind of free handing it and I might use bits and pieces from the movie, but besides that I’m basically just flowing with it. Another thing, feel free to send a comment in my ask or below on what you thought of this part! I’d love to see everyone’s reactions, it helps keep me motivated.

Also, comment below or send me an ask if you’d like to be tagged!

You didn’t get one ounce of sleep that night, you told yourself it was because you had just moved, that it was just nervous jitters of being in a new house in a new town. But you knew deep down you were just lying to yourself, to hide the real truth as to why you couldn’t sleep.

The clown. The red Balloon. It was all you could think of. All you could see.

You had stayed awake the entire night, just staring at the ceiling, trying to decide whether you were hallucinating or if it was really real. You didn’t even notice that it was now starting to become daylight, until your mother knocked on your door telling you to get ready for school.

You had totally forgotten it was your first day at your new school, you had been too focused on everything else around you that your actual life got put aside. After a few more minutes of laying in your bed, you groggily got up, looking at your appearance in your mirror. 

You looked like you really hadn’t gotten any sleep, but who cares right? Maybe then nobody would bother you at school, they’d think you were just another weird kid and leave you alone.

If only that really happened.

“Mom I need to go, I’ll be late and I need to get my schedule.” You sighed, looking up at your mom who gave you a concerned look, she had been doing this ever since you arrived in Derry, ever since that moment in the car.

“I just, I want you to know that if you need to leave at anytime, you call me. Alright?” She gave you a stern look, as you nodded in response, before saying goodbye and letting you head off into your new school.

You remember walking into the building, catching a few stares, which was normal. You walked up to the front desk, anxiously tapping your foot against the floor until a lady walked over to you.

“You must be Y/N, here’s your schedule.” She’d speak blatantly, before leaving you to fend for yourself.

You rolled your eyes in response, before exiting the front office, anxiety filling your body the second you realized you had no idea where to go, so being the person you are you just stood there like a deer in the headlights, someone had to help you eventually right?

“Holy shit, who is that?“ Richie questioned aloud, nudging Eddie in the ribs, making him glare at his friend before following his gaze over to you.

“No idea, I’ve never seen them before, they must be new to the school.“ Eddie would respond, shrugging his shoulders while rubbing his chest slightly, before glancing back at his friend who was still staring at you.

"They look like complete shit, and are obviously lost.” Richie pointed out, watching as you held your schedule in your hand, a frustrated look forming on your face as you angrily looked around the hallways.

“Richie!” Eddie would scold his friend, hitting him on the arm, making him respond with a loud “WHAT” while shrugging his shoulders innocently. Eddie would roll his eyes, before motioning back over to you.

“If they look so lost to you then go help them." Eddie crossed his arms, making Richie turn to look at his friend, a scowl on his face.

"No way, why don’t you go help them?” Richie argued, making Eddie snort in response, before shoving Richie over towards you.

“This is complete and utter bullshit.” He heard you mutter as you were angrily crumbling your schedule in your hands.

“Yeah we all feel that way about this shithole.” Richie commented, startling you as you spun around quickly, facing him.

You took a minute to observe the boy in front of you, he had thick glasses that made his eyes look huge, he also had dark brown hair, slightly curly, slightly straight, and a somewhat colorful shirt on.

“I know, I know, I’m hot.” Richie grinned slightly, snapping you out of your thoughts, his comment now registering in your head, resulting you to roll your eyes.

"How original.” You’d give a fake smile, your mood being complete shit and moody from getting no sleep.

Richie would give a slight smirk, feeling accomplished that you could be messed with and didn’t just blow him off the second he started talking to you.

“I actually came over here to see if you wanted help, because from what I can tell, you’re struggling real hard.” Richie grinned, making you scoff in response, even though he was right.

“As much as I hate to admit it,” Which you really did, “I could really use some help, I have no idea where anything is in this god forsaken school.” You would groan, making Richie laugh as he looked over your schedule.

He’d offer to give you a tour around the school, to show you were things were along with your classes, which you appreciated greatly, mainly because you were too tired to fight against him and since the school was completely different compared to your previous one.

You soon made it to your first class, which Richie was also in, along with Bill and Eddie.

“So class, we have a new student, please welcome Y/N, Y/L/N, with open arms, thank you.” Your teacher Mr. Steven’s would smile, before starting the class.

By that point you were already laying your head on your desk, Richie would be laughing at your embarrassment, while Bill and Eddie rolled their eyes at their friend.

You managed to somehow make it throughout the entire day, how you weren’t exactly sure, but the fact you did was a miracle. You didn’t have one hallucination the entire day, you didn’t even have to call your mother to come get you.

The day had gone by quick, the last bell rang for the day and you were off, already walking out of the building, only to be stopped by Richie and his friends.

“Hey hot stuff, you want to come hangout with us? I know you don’t have any friends so you should accept my offer.” He’d smirk, making you roll your eyes in response.

Was he intentionally trying to piss you off? Or was that just who he was?

“Why should I go with you? For all I know you and your friends here could try to kidnap me or something.“ You’d reply, squinting at Richie and his friends.

"Why would we fucking kidnap you?” A boy with curly hair questioned, a confused expression on his face.

“How the hell am I supposed to know? Serial killers don’t tell their secrets.” You’d shrug, crossing your arms, an unamused expression on your face.

All the boys would be staring at you, curiosity flooding through them as to why you would think like that, but more of what had happened to you to think that way.

“I-I p-p-promise we w-won’t h-h-h-hurt y-you.” Another boy spoke up, making your eyes snap over to him, your face softening slightly.

This didn’t go unnoticed by Richie either, he didn’t like it one bit that you already felt something for Bill and not him.

You gave a slight nod to Bill, still having a hesitant expression on your face as you agreed to go with them, Bill ended up offering you to join him on his bike, which made you smile slightly, accepting his kind gesture.

You all then began to ride down the street, Stan, one of the other boys you had just met had mentioned you were all going to a nice scenic place.

You were excited, you could use a relaxing calm place, especially after everything you were going through.

Everyone was pedaling down the street, wind blowing through everyone’s hair, already it was peaceful, which is what made you stop and think for a second.

Was this even real? Or was this just a figment of your imagination again, your mind trying to make you see a brighter happier side to life.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Eddie would question, glancing over at you, noticing how pale you were becoming.

“Hey, Y/N.” Mike would question too, realizing how you didn’t respond to Eddie, instantly making everyone worried.

“T-This isn’t real..” You whispered, your body becoming stiff, sweat starting to form on the back of your neck.

“T-This is a-all in my head.. T-This isn’t real..” You whispered again, your eyes were now full on closed, something you hadn’t done for the past twenty-four hours.

You felt the bike stop moving, but you couldn’t move, you were frozen.

“Y-Y/N, w-what’s wrong?” Bill questioned, now off his bike, looking at you with a concerned expression.

Richie walked over to you, confusion on his face, noticing how you looked even worse now than you did earlier.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You look even worse than you did this morning.” Richie spoke aloud, earning a few annoyed 'Richies’ from the group.

You couldn’t speak, even though you screamed in your head, you screamed for them to hear you, but they couldn’t, you just sat there, frozen in time as they all looked at you like you were crazy.

You felt your hands start to shake, your anxiety building up by the second, you shakily brought your hands to your head.

“This is just a hallucination. This isn’t real.” You kept telling yourself, your breathing becoming more hectic.

“I think Y/N’s having an anxiety attack, we need to calm Y/N down, like now.” Stan spoke quickly, now realizing what was happening to you.

“How the fuck do you suppose we do that?” Richie butted in, giving a bewildered expression to Stan.

“We need Y/N to realize they’re safe, that this is real.” Stan explained, as they all huddled around you.

“Y/N, it’s me, it’s Richie, you’re okay, you’re with me, with us, this is real.” Richie spoke gently, something that surprised the rest of the group, along with himself.

“Y-Y/N, you’re o-okay.” Bill added on, giving you a concerned look, before looking at his group of his friends.

“N-Nothing is w-w-working!” Bill shouted, not understanding why you couldn’t get out of this trance.

They all sat there, trying to figure out what they could do to come back, but suddenly you sat back up, your eyes wide, your lip trembling.

There, right in front of you, floating down the street was the red balloon.

“Do you see it?” You whispered aloud, making all of the boys look at each other with confused expressions.

“See what? See you looking like a crazy person?” Richie questioned, earning a slap from Stan.

“That..” You motioned your arm up, pointing down the street, “The red balloon.”

Tags: @theotherschuyler @pillow223 @o-starshine

[cheetahleopard]

A dump

This will be,,, very disjointed and personal

Memories:

That one time I rocked myself back and forth for an hour and a half after lights out in the hospital by the desk

When I thought I was autistic

That time I forgot it was nearly Halloween and I ignored someone in costume as they followed me around trying to get my attention

I had tape over my (broken, mind you) chromebook camera for all 3 years I owned it

Cutting/touching things a certain number of times

Things I deal with:

Laughing and leering nervously and so everyone thinks I'm lying

Disjointed sentences

Distracted

Lightheaded

I can’t clearly remember the last 10 years

Random muscle spasms, usually ones making me jolt backwards and curl in on myself as though someone just shot my stomach

Thinking of something or redoing a scenario in my head and being unable to tell which I made up and which is reality

I have never heard silence

Been overwhelmed by music only to take off my headphones and find the noises my head is making me hear are even more overwhelming

Tried to focus on homework only for my vision to white out every time I look at it

Dry heaving/puking every morning

Believing wholeheartedly things people won’t believe me if I tell them

Simply forgetting to do homework because I don’t remember the day it was assigned

Being hurt but not realizing it until hours later bc I don’t feel like part of my body

Feeling limbs I don’t have

Ringing in my ears whenever I stand up or run or basically move

Random chatter in my head like a coffee shop ambiance

Feeling the inane urge to cry

The compulsive need to shatter my world then burn the pieces and dance in the ashes

Am I being followed/watched?

All the light switches need to be like this or I can’t sleep and I can always tell if they’re out of position when I’m trying to sleep

Putting off everything I want to do and even need to do bc I can’t move there’s lead flowing through my veins

Random good and bad days

Doubting my mental illness even though I’m diagnosed

Random muscle spasms

When did I last ____?

Putting up with ableist and neurotypical stuff

Not being able to function without friends

Psyching yourself out with a simple thought that repulses you (ie wanting something but someone else touched it but if it’s someone you trust it’s fine)

Wishing one of my friends would do in-depth research of schizophrenia so that they knew how to help me or reaffirm me

Little manipulative tests just to be sure that my friends are trustworthy but then feeling like shit around them bc guilt

Feeling build up and wishing for an episode already so that the tension won’t choke me

Insecurity

Being told it’s normal to be unable to function

Taking abilify but not thinking your dose is high enough bc I still have constant auditory hallucinations and trouble with reality but also not wanting to be reliant but also neurotypicals are just as reliant their brains just naturally produce them

Worrying illogically that I’m to much of a burden for my friends to willingly shoulder (under insecurity ig)

Social ineptitude until I overthink everything and then it’s fake diplomate smiles time

Acing tests and being in the 99-100% range for state testing (except math bc diagrams) (who gives a fuck about box and whisker plots we learned those in 2nd grade) but barely passing or barely failing my classes bc I can’t bring my life into focus enough to do homework

That wonderful feeling when I find a homework strategy that works

That horrible feeling when it begins to fail

Seeing everything slip through my fingers

How tf do I show affection in good amounts

Having that one interest that I know in and out and have been obsessed with for upwards 3 years

Friends being amazing but not helpful as they could be (god that sounds ungrateful but that’s not what I mean I mean that they don’t take the time to figure out how to help me so I doubt my importance in their lives)

That’s all I’m going to share for now but damn there’s a lot more :’|