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queenofallwitches · 3 years ago

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an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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scandeniall · 5 years ago

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actually, i’m dating iwa

iwazumi x reader, but mostly (?) platonic!Oikawa x reader

i just really love college au’s and tried to combine with youtuber!au. Also this is my first time writing for a character other than Kuroo and my 3rd time ever writing hq so yeah this probably fucking sucks

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“Filming a video with the bestie. Send us questions,” you put up a peace sign not even looking up from your phone as oikawa flashed his camera at you for his Instagram story. You’d done a similar post hours ago for your own followers supposed to have filmed hours ago. A head plopping itself caused you to quickly finish your text before tossing your phone on the table in front of you. “Ugh where’s Iwa with the pizza. I’m starving,” the brunette groaned from beside you after you tried pushing his head off of you to which he just continued to put more of his weight on you. “Move your big ass head Oikawa,” you cried out still trying to push the man child off of you. “No because you never spend time with me anymore now that you’re-“ he dramatically huffed “Dude I’m literally with you everyday” It was true. The two of you had been practically inseparable for the past few years. Meeting at summer orientation right before both your first year of college, he noticed you doing the same thing he was. Vlogging, and thus the start of a beautiful friendship. Now in your last year you two have practically grown your social media together, collaborating with him more than you had anyone else (same for him). Hell, you two even lived together for a year before you decided you couldn’t take anymore of the asshole both never cooking and using up all the hot water with his long ass showers. “First of all it’s more like every other day. Second of all where is your stupid boyfriend? The sun is gonna go down before he gets back here. You know i hate filming with ring lights”

You couldn’t help but laugh at him referring to his best friend as “your stupid boyfriend,” knowing if Iwa heard that Oikawa would be the first one to start running to avoid a hit. The two of you had met through Oikawa. It was midway through freshman year, Oikawa had invited you to his dorm for a study session for the gen ed class you two shared. He failed to mention that his roommate was there taking a nap, and that your loud ass drum beat knocking woke him up. You were absolutely mortified and continued to apologize, literally wanting to kill Oikawa. That was one thing you two had in common and that night not only did he have a grouchy sleep deprived roommate, but an annoyed you to deal with as well. You heard a slight struggle at the door before raining your neck to see that Iwaizumi had managed to make it in, holding pizza and other bags. “Go help Iwa put the stuff down,” you scolded your friend as he watched with amusement as the man struggled balancing the pizza boxes with one hand and the plastic store bags with the other. Once seeing Oikawa just shrug and rest back against the couch saying something about ‘being too hungry to move, before picking up his phone and typing away’ You huffed and got up yourself. Your boyfriend shot you a grateful smile as you took the pizza from him so that he was able to place the bags down safely. “Hey Haji- what's all this. Thought you were going to get pizza,” you said softly leaning against the counter as he began to empty bags. “Just a few snacks for you guys. Thought you two could make the video a mukbang. Although I’m not sure why I did, considering Shittykawa is here to eat some.” Your heart swelled as you both ignored your whiny friend across the room. You just wanted to hug your boyfriend and so you did. Before you could place your lips against his, said whiny friend had gotten his ass off the couch. “Can you two not fuck on my kitchen counter,” as he maneuvered around the tiny kitchen to start getting his food together. “Pretty sure I live here too,” your boyfriend scowled pressing a quick kiss to your temple before letting go of your waist and going to set up the camera for yours and Oikawa’s video. “Also, who’s to say we haven’t already,” you decided to tease, pushing past Oikawa lightly bumping into him. “Remind me to bleach every surface in here later on. Nasty bitches,” “Love you too Tōru” “How is it not living together anymore?” you read out. Already smiling at a chance to drag oikawa. “Fucking amazing! I get to come home to my food not eaten and I actually can get hot water when I’m trying to shower. I-“ “Oh you actually shower? Could’ve fooled me,” “Says the man who always used my expensive body wash,” you retort back looking off camera to pout at Iwaizumi laughing at the two of you. To the camera it would just look like you were refusing to look at Oikawa, not making puppy-dog eyes at your boyfriend. “Yeah because you don’t. Stinky” --- “What’s your favorite thing to do together? “Nothing because I hate this bitch-“ you deadpanned. The room going quiet before you, Oikawa and off camera Iwaizumi started laughing. “I’m kidding I promise. But I’m gonna let Oikawa answer this because he definitely knows what I’d say.” “It’s because we’re the same person. Twin-telepathy. But I’d have to say our monthly road trips with Kuroo and Bokuto. It’s the best time to unwind with my best friends and it’s always fun finding new places and we love taking you guys along with us. Special shoutout to the man, Iwa who gets all of the b-roll and actually records the chaos. Iwa! Speaking of him- he’s actually home for once and is watching us film. Aren’t we pretty,” you watched your best friend recount laughing when Iwaizumi says loud enough for the camera to hear that he isn’t. “Come say hi to the video,” Oikawa begged, deciding to record Iwaizumi on his phone to insert in later. “Oi! Get that camera off of me Shittykawa”

----

“Alright guys. We’re gonna do one last question. Tōru, take it away,” you smirked already knowing the question he was gonna pick. “Are you and (Y/N) dating?,” Oikawa read out, picking up his bottle of beer to take a swig while looking at you with a teasing smile on his lips. “Whew that’s an interesting question. You wanna take that one (Y/N)?” For years the two of you never answered that question. At one point it was genuinely because you two had a crush on one another and while you never became more than just friends, there had been a thing there. After that passed you two just always played off one another for videos, knowing people loved it. Once you and Iwaizumi started dating the more flirty actions had stopped, but that still never stopped people from assuming. You two were almost always with one another, after all. You had been sharing relationship memes on twitter and even let it slip once that you had a boyfriend on Snapchat(although the audio was a little hard to hear as you’d said something like “i can’t find my boyfriend,” in a loud bar. And, to top it off you had recently posted a video of you getting ready for a date night. To anyone that kept up with you all the signs pointed to oikawa However, no one ever paid attention to how in the background of Kuroo’s vlogs how you and Iwaizumi always walked a little slower behind everyone else. No one thought anything during the last vlog with Bokuto when he captured you and Iwaizumi in the middle of the freezer aisle joking about which ice cream was best for root beer floats. Or how you and Iwaizumi would always be standing closer than you should in Oikawa's bar night videos. Of course Iwa’s hand resting on your lower back, occasionally slipping lower had never been caught on grainy phone cameras. “Well,” you took a deep breath. The three of you knew you were going to announce your relationship today but for some reason you were still nervous. Your relationship was one of the only things about your life you didn’t plaster on the internet. Iwa was definitely not one to be all on the internet, despite all of his friends being on there in the open. Not only that, but you were concerned about comments saying you’d been using Oikawa for views or leading him on or any of the crazy shit people come up with. You were pulled out of your thoughts when Oikawa lightly punched your arm offering you a comforting smile. “First of all, no. We aren’t dating-“ you started off. “Don’t forget to add it that you had a crush on me a few years ago” “It was mutual you dumbass,” you huffed. Loosening up. Knowing this half of the video was going on your channel you spoke up again. “As I said. Me and this dumbass are not dating. We’re-“ you pretending to gag, “genuinely best friends. The love I have for Tōru is absolutely not romantic. However I am in a relationship and you can say that I met him through the idiot next to me.” “Babe you wanna come over here and officially be introduced as my boyfriend to the internet,” you called out. Oikawa mocking you “Yeah babe. Come in for a second.” Before you could even retort you notice your boyfriend signal to you and ducked as you saw a couch pillow fly towards the side of Oikawa’s head. “OW! Iwa that hurt. And stop laughing at my pain (Y/N),” Oikawa cried out. Ignoring your friend you looked up to Iwaizumi leaning over the edge of the couch in the camera's frame, lips hovering next to your ear. “You did it. Now people can stop shipping you with him.” Iwaizumi places two kisses on you for the camera. One on your cheek, the other on the side of your neck before looking up. “Hey,” and with that he was up and out of frame. “You guys see how he didn’t even acknowledge me. Just (Y/N). So rude” “Shut up Oikawa,” you and Iwaizumi said at the same time. Right before the camera cut off i stopped here bc idk what i was even doing because this turned out nothing like my initial idea. idk request if you want and i might give it a try. Also adding pt 3 to college!kuroo soon.

will be cross-posted on ao3

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #iwaizumi x reader #oikawa x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu imagines #iwaizumi imagine #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu scenarios

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justpeachyshua · 6 years ago

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vocal unit theater au - seungkwan

seungkwan as the assistant director

“passion. so many people in this world are filled with so much passion. passion for writing, for dancing, for painting, for performing. passion moves us to pursue our wildest dreams and achieve our highest goals. but, what about when one’s biggest passion is also their biggest weakness?” (warning/tag: angst-ish?)

part 3 of the vocal unit theater au

read below the cut!

as soon as you met seungkwan, you knew what kind of person he was

when you were both juniors, you were paired together for an ice breaking activity in your literature class, the only class you both shared

you were supposed to learn a couple facts about the other person and then present about them in front of the class a few minutes later

you were super hesitant at first, not really wanting to talk to anyone in class

but when you were paired with the nice-looking kid sitting a few desks away you were a little less nervous

you introduced yourself and discovered his name was seungkwan

as you guys shared memories from summer break you cracked a few jokes and somehow actually?? enjoyed ? a school ice breaker???

when he ‘presented about you’ you got a feel for the kind of person he was

he threw some clever remarks in and got the class laughing and you realized

ah, he’s definitely an attention-seeker

not in the bad way of course!!!! you could just see that he enjoyed the spotlight

you were actually pretty confused as to how you had never met this guy before,, i mean, he was so vibrant and outgoing and he seemed to know just about everyone

a few months into the school year and you guys were regular seatmates and great friends

you had pretty much mastered the art of discreetly passing notes to each other in class lmao

(chaewon asked this guy out to homecoming in my science class. i felt so bad for her, she was flat out rejected)

(how did she ask him out?)

(full on song and dance TT)

(yikes)

as you guys were super close, you shared pretty much all of your after school activities with each other, to the point where you had his schedule in your planner and vice versa

you always tried your best to support each other in extracurriculars!

you were involved in model un and sca while seungkwan was balancing chorus and theater (ofc)

that’s something that was really important for you two:

as different as you guys may have been - him the more exuberant type, you the more reserved and studious type - you always made sure to be there for each other

you know what they say, opposites attract

when spring came and it was time for musical auditions, seungkwan made it very clear how excited he was to audition

and you were here for it!

in the few weeks leading up to auditions, you spent countless hours helping seungkwan prepare his monologue and audition song

he was absolutely perfect ofc but he was dedicated and kept nitpicking his skills

even though you knew next to nothing about music, he would still always come up to you asking if something sounded right

“you think i should sing it more like this” “or like this”

“i.. i didn’t really hear a difference”

“do you think i’m too flat on this note?”

“you know i don’t know what means”

you couldn’t quite explain it, but hanging out with seungkwan those few weeks made you feel all jittery inside

especially moments when he was so involved in acting out his monologue and he had a passion in his eyes that made him look like he truly was in a fictional world

although he could be a bit obnoxious when he started humming, or worse, singing, in class, when he was in his element it was mesmerizing

as these sessions progressed, these jittery feelings persisted and eventually evolved into a more heart-pounding sensation

when seungkwan practiced his monologue in front of you, you spent less time listening to what he was saying and more time staring into his eyes and counting all of the moles on his face

you told your mom about what you were feeling

“it sounds like you have a crush on him!”

o h

you had NO idea how oblivious you could’ve been to your own feelings if you hadn’t been able to see that you did, in fact, like seungkwan

from then on, you desired to be closer to him

you wanted to get more involved with the musical

so, in a spur of the moment decision, you ended up auditioning for the musical with seungkwan

while seungkwan was effortlessly amazing, you,,,,, weren’t so great

you didn’t have high expectations necessarily

you’d never really acted or sung before and you definitely messed up the lines to your monologue

but when the callback list came out and you didn’t see your name anywhere, you were a little let down

you then searched for seungkwan’s name on the list and saw that his name had been starred

was he a potential for the lead character? did they want him to have a massive solo? what did that little star mean?

you set your disappointment aside to celebrate with seungkwan when he heard the news himself

when callbacks were finally over and the actual cast list had come out, you were surprised to see,,,,

seungkwan wasn’t on the list at all

“oh, yeah it’s fine!”

“what do you mean it’s fine?! couldn’t they see what an awesome actor and singer you are?!?! who do they think they are, turning a star like you down”

that was when he told you he was actually chosen to be assistant director for the show

“oh.....”

seungkwan explained to you that the director of the show, the theater teacher mr. choi, was really impressed with his dedication to the class and to the show that he employed him as assistant director

his job for now was mostly to check up on the cast and crew to make sure things were getting done on time and to coach people on their acting/singing

he took it seriously, making sure to be friendly but stern when needed, and always helping out wherever he could

but, as the weeks past and opening night was fast approaching, he started taking it,,, too seriously

at first, when he attended after school rehearsals, he would ask you to join and help with building sets or organizing boxes of props

but soon enough he was so busy with the show that he was no longer inviting you

lunches that you two used to spend together became lonely when he had to go to the auditorium to run scenes with the cast

while you would normally have seungkwan quiz you to help you prepare for model un competitions, you had to start asking for your parents’ help instead when seungkwan began spending long nights at dress rehearsals

you couldn’t blame him for being dedicated, after all his job was crucial for the success of show

but it still hurt

there were a few times where you tried to reconnect with him

you tried calling him on nights when (you assumed) he wasn’t busy

but it would go to voicemail and later on you’d see his snapchat story updated with videos of him singing with the ensemble

on nights like those you decided to shut your phone off entirely

bc it seemed like all at once seungkwan was dropping you for the musical,,,

when you realized your feelings for seungkwan, you made such an effort to stay close to him, even going out of your way to audition for a musical you didn’t really care to be a part of and taking time out of your days to help with the set up

and now it felt like all of your work had gone to waste now that seungkwan barely wanted to hang anymore

so, when your birthday came around, you tried not get your hopes up

when your classmates gathered to decorate your locker with sticky notes, you tried not to look for seungkwan’s handwriting

when you checked your social media and saw a few birthday comments from close friends, you tried not keep refreshing the page, looking for one from him

when your parents brought out the cake and candles, you tried not to imagine him singing happy birthday to you, his voice as boisterous as he was

when you were about to head to sleep, you tried not to check your phone, waiting for a message or a phone call

and by the next morning, you had zero new notifications

you walked into school that day downcast

you were assigned a new project in your literature class that day and, to no surprise, you were paired up with... seungkwan

“alright! ready to get to work?”

“....”

you just nodded, lips tightly pursed

“okay.. well, let’s divide the work up. I can do this half of the research and the works cited if you do the other half and maybe make the note cards for our presentation?”

“sure”

it was unlike you to be so un-talkative, especially with seungkwan, so he was obliviously confused but he decided to let it go until you guys were out of class

he approached you in the hallway

“hey are you ok?”

“i don’t know, seungkwan”

“you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“i don’t wanna talk about it”

“please, you were acting strange all class. clearly, something’s up”

“well you know, maybe i’d be acting more normal if my project partner and closest friend hadn’t completely forgotten my birthday”

seungkwan��s face dropped

“i’m- god, y/n i’m so sorry. i-i didn’t realize.. shit i’m so so sorry”

“i’m just tired of this, seungkwan. we barely talk anymore and i’m the only one that’s noticed”

"i..what do you mean”

“i mean you spend all your time with the drama department, so of course you don’t feel lonely like i do. you’re always so busy with them that you forget to check up on me, to say hey every once in a while. what happened to calling each other every friday night just to tell each other we don’t have plans over the weekend? what happened to our study sessions? what happened to us?”

“i’ve just been so busy-”

“yeah i know you have. but you can’t just drop your friends like that. i know your job as assistant director is as important as it gets, but you can’t let it take over your life. god, forget the fact that i even have a crush on you, i just want my best friend back”

“you- what?”

in the heat of the moment, you seemed to have spilled something you never thought you’d say

your face was heated with frustration and embarrassment and seungkwan was equally as shocked

“just forget about it”

you sped off to your next class, not wanting to spend another second standing in front of seungkwan

the rest of the week was silent

if you thought seungkwan had forgotten about you before, then he was actively avoiding you now

you opted to stay home the day you had literature rather than face another awkward class period

although a part of you didn’t want to leave seungkwan to work on the project alone, you couldn’t possibly face whatever rejection you were anticipating

the day seemed to drag on forever without anything to do or anyone to talk to

you wanted to be productive, but all you could do was lay in bed, swaddled in at least three blankets

about halfway into the afternoon, you were close to drifting into your third depression nap when your phone began to loudly ring next to you

picking it up, you saw it was seungkwan who was calling before you hit decline

he called again and, again, you hit decline

he called once more

you hit decline again

he call-

“what do you want, seungkwan?”

“god thank you for picking up. i wasn’t about to keep trying until my phone died”

“what did u call for?”

“well, i’ve been thinking a lot lately and you’re right, i’ve been spending way too much time on the musical and i’ve been neglecting our friendship. i fucked up so bad that i forgot your birthday and i ended up pushing you away. that’s.. that’s not what i want. i don’t like where we are right now”

“..neither do i”

“no, i-i really don’t like where we are right now. i want to make it up to you, y/n.. let’s go on a date”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“............are you still there?”

“yeah i am. i’m still here. i just.. don’t know what to say”

“that’s alright. you don’t have to say much. but i do hope you’ll say yes, because i did just ask a sophomore to fill my spot as assistant director for tonight’s performance in order for us to go out”

you couldn’t help but lightly chuckle

that sounds like seungkwan

“well, it’ll take a lot for me to completely forgive you..... but ok. let’s go on a date”

“oh thank god! again, i was really betting on you saying yes. i can stop by yours at maybe 6 later? if that’s alright by you, of course. unless you think you need more time to get ready. not that that’s a bad thing! but i did buy tickets for a movie at 6:40 so-”

“seungkwan, you’re rambling”

“you.. you’re right, i am. sorry about that”

“that’s alright. i know we’ll have a good time

....as long as we’re not seeing a musical, of course”

#seventeen imagines #svt imagines #seventeen drabbles #svt drabbles #seventeen scenarios #svt scenarios #seventeen fic #svt fanfic #boo seungkwan #seungkwan #seungkwan seventeen #seungkwan imagines #seungkwan scenarios #seungkwan fic #seventeen #svt

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i-am-always-lost · 8 years ago

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Day 23 | Ishikawa-San

I wanted to blog about this as well as my Your Name encounter because I felt the strong need to get this story out to the small amount of people who read my blog. Maybe you will read this post today and tell your friends and family around you about his story. After all, that is what Ishikawa san wants.

Today in media class, our lecturer brought in a guest speaker- a man who was wrongly accused/ convicted of murdering and raping a high school girl 54 years ago who also escaped death sentence and is awaiting retrial. It was the discrimination against the burakku-min that contributed to this outcome.

Transcript and summary of what I heard today in class:

Ishikawa san self admitted that he was a socially ignorant man who locked up for 23 years due to the lack of knowledge in the situation he was in - surrendering to a case that he did not commit on his innocent brother’s behalf as his brother was the breadwinner of the family. His brother was wrongly accused for a crime he did not commit. Ishikawa san was sentenced to death but escaped death.

Ishikawa san’s background:

He was brought up in a poor family. Had 10 brothers and sisters, none of them had higher education, and he envies at our privilege looking at us university students. As a result, they never had enough food for the family, and he grew up eating chicken feet. When he was in fifth grade, Ishikawa san sent to work in some business and was provided accommodation, he worked there till he was 18. At 18, he returned illiterate due to the lack of opportunity for education. After that, he went to employment agency and got a job, worked for four years. Got a girlfriend after that, and frequently worked overtime. His boss saw him as honest and earnest, and he was appointed leader of the shop eventually. Things seem to be going well at this point.

However, when you are in an responsible position, reports and paperwork are often required. Due to this illiteracy, his friend had to always help him. After some time, that was revealed and he was fired. After that, got a construction job where he didn't have to read or write. 6 months later, he was made into a rapist and murderer of the high school girl.

Prison days:

In prison, he met this ward officer who had a strong sense of justice and he learned how to read and write there for 8 years. He learned from the officers in the afternoon once he finds out that he does not get death penalty in the morning. Death penalties run from 9-12AM daily and if you didnt get to the chopping board, you get to survive the day. He lived like this for decades. Ishikawa san got his word out by writing letters to his supporters all over the nation to pass information on to the media. The media was more accepting towards him when they found evidence to prove Ishikawa san innocent and started changing their perspective away from the discrimination of burrakumin people as well.

Post prison days:

5 years ago went to UN Geneva and appealed the law of police restraining people for many days without being able to see their lawyers (when it should only be hours). The people in UN were surprised to find out that in Japan even if a suspect is not proven guilty, they would have to be locked up for 32 years (for Ishikawa san’s case), everyone at UN was surprised. He appealed them to talk to jap gov, and they did directly negotiate with Japanese government.

Thanks to science, tech and medicine, innocence proven by evidence. By the end of this year, he is expecting retrial is going to be granted. After his guilt is proven innocent, he would like to go to a night school and get education. He would also like to spend rest of his life studying and working to eliminate discrimination. If he live 32 years from now, he will be over 100, so he wants to be healthy in order to live past a 100. He is 78 years old now, and the way he sees it is if he lives past a 100, the amount of time that he was discriminated against would eliminate discrimination faced by his children and grandchildren.

Because of the injustive of Japanese law that made an innocent man locked up, there were angry voices reasoning with him and helping him fight the system. Would like to pay back the people that help, and he would want us(uni students who were his audience) to fight discrimination.

Sachiko ishikawa san (wife) gave a speech as well, following Ishikawa san’s speech.

She was honored that we were interested in her husband’s story and she would like us to take back the story to our respective countries and tell at least one person and spread the word . Her husband was sentenced to death only by six months trial. It has been 54 years since the case. Of the 54 years, locked up for 32 years and wrongly accused.

Surrounding this case, she highlighted two points:

discrimination against burakku community and

injustice

Discrimination against the Burraku community

Burakku discrimination is like the Indian class system. Class doesn't exist anymore in their society, but still has influence over job hunting and marriage based on family background. When this case was investigated, they believed criminal was from the burakku community cos that's what the media reported. Mainstream media believed that criminals were all born in burakku. However, this was 54 years ago. But now, people in the Burraku community are standing up and raising voices, to try to eradicate and work against discrimination in Burraku. They would have to continue this activism as there is still hate speech against minority community.

Her story:

Sachiko san was also born in burakku community (western Japan). Since young, her parents and people around her told her that she should hide the fact she was born in burakku. There wasnt much of a difference on the surface having the same skin color and all, so even if she hid her identity no one will know. Since she was hiding, she was able to get jobs - but she still faced discrimination while finding marriage.

She didn't have any means to protest against , and that's where she learned about ichikawa san's case. Learned that he was learning how to read and write through prisons, but his messages still got out of the prison and spread throughout Japan His message at that time was you can't possibly run away from discrimination forever, you have to stand up and face it one day. Because of his words, she learnt that she should not hide her true identity anymore and found a new way of living. That's when she joined the movement against the buraaku discrimination and the fight against the injustice faced by Ishikawa san.

There are still lots of kids in burakku community, so they will go visit them and tell them to get education as he did not want them to be in his position if anything similar happened to them. Another strong feeling he had was never to repeat admitting to wrong accusations.

It's very difficult to the wrongly accused to appeal to the justice system in Japan, even after 54 years they are still hiding evidence. Ichikawa san wants to tell justice ministry to have a fair trial and give away all the single evidences. They still go to Tokyo high court and have protest once in a while by demanding the prosecutor to give away evidence and have fair trial. They plan to do the same at January 26 and feb 2nd Sachiko san ended her speech by thanking us for having them there and she said that

No one should be locked up without any reason in any country

Q & A

Did you lose hope?

I never gave up hope, as soon as he learned he was wrongly accused and was determined to stand up and tell his story

Faith in the criminal justice system?

Judges in court houses only listen to prosecutors. Feel that judges don't listen to people's voices too often

Parents’ occupations?

Father hired by some other farmers, weed the farms

How did you adjust in society after being in the prison for 34 years?

Really surprised! When he went in, only pebbled roads, after he coming out surprised to see the development

Why are police still withholding evidence?

Yes, think it's true they have to save face cos it will be proven that he is not guilty

Did he ever get to meet the murdered girls family

Condition for his probation not to meet family of the deceased

Did any media get his story when he was locked up?

Earlier on, media were only writing negative things about him and burakku (first 10 years) Now they are writing positive things Saitama newspaper and Tokyo shimbun were amongst the first to report

During his prison days, were there any similar cases?

Yes, 4 people who were locked up life imprisonment, they were eventually let go though

How was the process of learning to read and write in prison conducted?

Yes, it was strict but at that time he didn't know. Was awaiting death sentence in mornings (9-12) - when they didn't come to get him, teach him how to write the person who taught him how to write and read saved his life If he was caught he would be fired

Why did he had to admit his crime?

have to say bc police made him say it "It must be your older brother," but his brother was bread winner, so he admitted

How do they look at him in the society?

Most people already knew he was innocent, so even he went back to his village, people were supportive

Any other evidence aside from the confession?

Most surprising thing: fountain pen was supposed to belong to the victim but it ended up in his house With the science these days, proved that the fountain pen did not belong to the victim, only found out last year!

Any evidence AGAINST him?

wrist watch that was handed to him BY the police

How they pay for legal proceedings?

Retrial- legal team of 30 lawyers mostly working as volunteers, national network of burakku community

Do you think the girl's family knows the story?

he doesn't know

What's his secret at looking good at 78?

10 years after he came out, running a few kms/minute 20,000 steps every day now!!

Pensions from the government?

How did the husband and wife meet?

Year after he came out, they met at a rally, started talking and hit it off

Has his brother told him not to take the blame

brother said he shouldn't do that, but they weren't able to meet for a long time, only after he visit him and had death sentence only his brother was allowed to visit.

Only interacted with other immates when he go out to field to do physical exercise.

END

After the class, I took photos with his wife and asked details for the court hearings that were going to be held a few days after this. Unfortunately I didnt go -- and I felt really sorry for not going. But here I am writing this to my limited audience, hoping that this can be spread to the people reading this. After all, it is a social responsibility.

#burrakumin #discrimination in japan

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ganymedeandcallisto · 8 years ago

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someone asked me for the 100 questions but tumblr is fuckin up so here u go my friend

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it? a: lea (pronounced lee), it was my grandmas middle name and yes I do love it  2. are you artistic? a: fuck yeah I am I sing and play instruments and do art  3. Have you had your first kiss? a: yes  4. What is your life goal? a: to be happy TBH  5. Do you have any expieriences with a famous person? a: my dad went to grade school with this guy who won an Oscar! also Bernie sanders came to my high school for a rally which was so so cool  6. Do you play any sports? a: what is a sport  7. What’s your worst fear? a: that everyone I love is pretending to like me TBH  8. Who’s your biggest inspiration? a: Kim from Matt and Kim ngl, also the people in Costa Rica who created the giant dog sanctuary  9. Do you have any cool talents? a: I play 6 instruments and also I have a really good memory  10. are you a morning person? a: YES I love getting up early especially when I don’t have to do anything  11. How do you feel about pet names? a: hate (dyldoge)  12. Do you like to read? a: YEAH I DO it’s so fun to me  13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. a: the office, game of thrones, the walking dead (mostly cause glenn and maggie)  14. Do you care about your follower count? a: nope unless it’s 420 or 666  15. What’s the best dream you’ve had? a: probably one where I was either flying or hugging someone  16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? a: I have not  17. Do you have any pets? a: YEAH I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL BABIES (dogs)  18. Are you religious? a: I am not  19. Are you a people person? a: ahahahahaha noooooooooooooooo  20. Are you considered popular? a: I’m not sure?? TBH  21. What is one of your bad habits? a: saying yes when I want to say no, also procrastinating  22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable? a: showing music I love to people  23. What would you name your children? a: *dogs I love all dog names  24. Who’s your celebrity crush? a: Marcos is the biggest celebrity of my heart  25. What’s your best subject? a: English/history that uncovers how awful white america is/has been  26. Dogs or cats? a: both!!!!!!!! but TBH dogs more  27. most used social media besides tumblr? a: I’m not sure but I’m gonna say chat snaps  28. best friends name a: Marcos and varla ofc <3 <3 <3  29. who does your main family consist of a: my sister and my mom and dad and my two beautiful dog children  30. Chocolate or sugar a: chocolate  31. have you ever been on a date? a: yes! not formally like “would you like to go on a date with me?” tho  32. Do you like rollercosters? a: I did……but Marcos and I went to the fair last summer and concluded that we are too old for this and our joints are too stiff  33. Can you swim? a: yes and I love swimming so much  34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse? a: grab everyone I love and live in a Costco  35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder? a: yes ednos, depression, and trichotillomania  36. Are your parents together? a: yes they are  37. What’s your favourite colour? a: green forever and ever  38. What country are you from/do you live in? a: USA :^)  39. Favourite singer? a: I’m gonna say my favorite artist is Matt and Kim but there are so many other favorites ahahah  40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? a: no TBH unless it’s for cooking  41. Do you like dresses? a: yeah I fuckin love dresses but they are uncomfy sometimes  42. Favourite song right now? a: poplar street by glass animals or vampire money by mcr honorable mention: planetary [go!] by mcr, well it’s true that we love one another by the white stripes, northeast by Matt and Kim, man on the moon by zella day, the way we move by langhorne slim and the law, when you’re young by Edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes  43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? a: no I actually really like talking about sex! I think it’s healthy to  44. How old were you when you first got your period? a: like 11 I think lmao  45. Have you ever shot a gun? a: nope and I don’t really wanna  46. Have you ever done yoga? a: yes  47. Are you a horror girl? a: hell yeah give me some of that 😩💯😭👌🏽✔️✔️👅💦💦😳👀😍 babadook  48. Are you good at giving advice? a: sometimes like I know exactly what I wanna say but I talk around it bc I’m bad at explaining things  49. Tell us a story about your childhood. a: one time when I was 4 my cousin was bothering me and putting a pillow over my face so I bit him so hard it bled and now he’s a trump supporter but I can’t bite him bc I’m an Adult  50. How are you doing today? a: I’m good!! I had a really great breakfast with my RA Rebecca and my roommate Sydney!  51. Were you a cute kid? a: there was no kid cuter than me up until like 1st grade when I got glasses  52. Can you dance? a: when no one is watching TBH  53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing? a: eating with chopsticks and also wanting to be in love  54. Have you ever dyed your hair? a: nooooo but I wanna  55. What colour are your eyes? a: brown  56. What’s your favourite animal? a: horses and dogs!!  57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? a: yes I definitely have :^))))  58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? a: I think so!! they support my decision to change my major and I’m so so happy  59. Do you have good friends? a: like 3 maybe who I never get to see :////  60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? a: ya bich it me (also yes!! many of my friends are)  61. What’s your favourite class? a: this quarter, Asian American studies  62. List all the tv shows you are watching. the walking dead, westworld, full frontal with Samantha Bee, daily show, game of thrones, I think that’s it?  63. Are you organized? a: honey………no  64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? in theaters I saw rogue one and I loved it so much THERE WERE POC LEADS  67. Which tv character do you relate to most? a: I don’t know actually but probably Pam from the office TBH  68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness? a: distance :/ and financial instability :/  69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing? a: taking care of dogs  70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? a: id change the not dying part…….it’s gotta happen sometime just not now  71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? a: I’d dance all the time in public  72. If you could start over, what would you do differently? a: stand up for myself  73. Would you break the law to save a loved one? a: is this even a question of course I would  74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new? a: in August when me and Marcos went to SLO  75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? a: the living room and my dogs greeting me and getting in n out for dinner  76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today? a: I found out I can change my major really quickly  77. What did you want to be when you were a kid? a: a paleontologist I loved dinosaurs  78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking? a: not too much actually I dream of being financially stable with my love Marcos and being surrounded by dogs and having my family live not super close but not too far away  79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have? a: in class bc participation is part of the grade  80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence a: I’m going to finish college with a steady job, hopefully travel a lot, and spend all the time I can working towards The Dream™  81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like? a: me: graduates college and gets a masters degree within a year  82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity? a: looking for a way to make Marcos also live forever and then taking care of all dogs  83. How would you spend a billion dollars? a: I’d buy a big house that has a lot of land for my dogs to run around in and pay for a bunch of kids’ tuition and buy my parents a bunch of vacations and create spaces for dogs everywhere and donate to Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren……that’s kind of a big question  84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? a: the past so that I can see all the history white people cover up  85. What motivates you to succeed? a: The Dream ™ of being financially stable in a nice apartment with a few dogs and the love of my life Marcos  86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? a: I had a nightmare that trump became president  87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? a: woods bc city smell like pee and is smoggy  88. Do you believe in life after death a: kinda but I hope it’s a life where I don’t really have to Do anything  89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? a: my great uncle because he was a professor of English and he loved my great aunt so much and had a house in the middle of nowhere surrounded by forest and deer and it had a greenhouse and a place for bats to roost  90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? a: making pillow forts with my sister and then destroying them by jumping on top of them  91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? a: I wanna have dinner with Donald trump, specifically so I can stab him in his orange face with my fork  92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? a: not too many things TBH I cry very hard at practically everything  93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? a: you shouldn’t have to change something about yourself in order to deserve love (unless ur a neo nazi or a mass murderer or something like that obviously)  94. What do you think happens after we die? a: party in the afterlife  95. What would you do if you would be invisible? a: probably steal money from trump but make it look like mike pence or richard spencer did it  96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try? a: whistle ahahaha  97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? a: all dogs are beautiful  98. How did your first crush develop? a: my first crush was on Luke Skywalker and it developed by me watching a new hope  99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? a: it’s the feeling of That Fuck Shit and i ignore it on the daily  100. Do you live or do you just exist? a: time is meaningless and none of us Actually exist

#dt #long post #long posts

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ctrl-shift-esc · 8 years ago

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Chunks of my life

TAKE TWO , TABARNAK!

Okay, so ya’ll already know, it takes me close to years, to pop out a blogpost. I finally sit down and muster the time and dedication to hack one up. As I’m writing the last few words- my browser shuts down. WOOSAA…

Everything’s lost.

Friggn WOOSA mang WOOSA…

Kay I think we all know how peeved I am….

Honestly I must really wanna hack one out, cuz here I am! Starting over. When really, my insides are screaming; chuck it in the fuckit bucket!

Okay I’m over it.

So Hello!

Here we are, 4 months past my last post. 4 months of magnificent procrastination.

Hey! At least it was a productive procrastination period. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on my sweet ass, doing sweet fuck all…

I’ve been acting, working, eating, sleeping… running around like a mofo. Like I said, quite the productive 4 months.

I know, I know, I said I would stop starting my posts with a lecture on how long it’s been since the last time I wrote… But heck, it’s been so long, someone needs to keep track!

These past 4 months have been hella busy! I’ve barely had time to think. Honestly, that’s partly why I haven’t buckled down to write. Who am I kidding? That’s the -only- reason why.

There’s been so many things happening, in such a short period of time. I never knew where to even begin. Do I write about the move? About my love life? Is my stress level a topic of interest?! Who the heck knows… All I know is that every time I attempted to jot down some kind of timeline, my head would spin. So there you have it!

Great now that we have that sorted out, lets start (for the second time) this blogpost! #HowBoutDat

Here we go!

In the previous, already written-blogpost (that decided to vanish); I had a clever intro explaining, my writing set-up and how I was binge eating my little brothers Halloween chocolates…blah blah, it was funny, blah blah… but now it’s gone so you’re not getting it.

Anyway, 10 Halloween candies later and 4 hours of work with nothing to show, here we are!

On my sisters’ bed, in Montreal, about to watch the sunset from her bedroom window, cuz you know…I’ve been here all day. I started the day by listening to the cutest coffee shop tunes, in my cute ass Pj’s, Insanely Cozy.

And now I’m listening to electronic beats purely to help me stay awake. I’m antsy AF!

This morning, I was excited to find a quiet cafe to spend the day. I love to be surrounded by coziness when I’m writing.

Lately, I seem to have caught a small case of homesickness. With no chosen cafe prospects, I stood there, looking around, wondering why I’m so quick to runaway to a coffee shop?! When I could just as easily get cozy at my parents house, surrounded by familiarity. So I did just that. That’s all the coziness I need. Soaking in as much of this place & soaking in as much time with my loved ones as I can, before flying back to my adopted hometown, Vancouver.

The BIG Move:

Last time I wrote, I had just done the BIG move. Barely settled, I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling the “Ecstatic- Jumping up and down- Can’t contain myself- Holy Fuck- Yay me!” feeling. I realised that, perhaps, I outgrew my own goals. That perhaps, my finish line was no longer the one I needed.

Throw it back 3 years ago; If any of you have been following my blog since the beginning, you’re aware of the EPIC fail of 2014. Where I had the clever idea to move across the country to be, (to depend) on a boy I met on vacation.

Safe to say, that didn’t last very long. From that moment on, I promised myself I would never let anything like that happen again! I became obsessed with my independence.

Forward to 2015; I had decided I would move to Vancouver, BC, in the fall of 2016. No matter what came my way. I got in contact with a friend of a friend of mine, in VanCity. Learned that his roommate was looking to sublet his room from October ‘til May, the following year. “AMAZING! This is perfect” I thought to myself. Given the extremely low rent (525$ / month, which is a joke for Vancouver!) I just, couldn’t pass that opportunity up!

That winter, I started dating an old highschool buddy of mine. Trying not to think too far into the future, I went ahead with my plans despite the new relationship. But Oh, did we ever headbutt about my future plans, to not only move across the country- but to move in with a male roommate.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from. But I’d be damned if I would compromise my Vancouver dream, for a boy! Been there, done that, amiright?

But let me tell ya, wasn’t long before my - feminist- Girl power - ass, chilled for a minute when the BIG move was actually done.

The BIG Love:

Eric and I met in highschool. We became chummy chummy in English class, 9 years ago to be exact. Gahd Damn, time flies. Nine years since this kid started teasing me for over-acting our daily Shakespeare, in class, reads. We’ve been best buds ever since.

Eric moved out west, to Alberta after graduation, to work the Oil rigs. I moved back to Montreal from Ottawa, to study Acting. We kept in touch with our high school crew and somehow, always managed to meet up during christmas holidays, and summer vacays. We never went too long without seeing each other. We kept in touch like clockwork. I always saw Eric as one of my best friends. My mind never ventured too far from that idea. I had no clue he had an eye on me…sneaky sneaky boy.

Summer of 2015 , when Nomi and I decided to take my Yaris on a cross country trip out west, to live in Edmonton for the summer (myself, for the second time), Eric invited me out to lunch on a few occasions. He paid and everything! (what a gentleman) I thought he was just being a good friend!

That winter, Thanks to social media, Eric knew I was on my yearly trip back to Ottawa for a couple days at Christmas time. He managed to squeeze himself in my tight overnight schedule and took me out to dinner. After a great night and few glasses of wine later, out in the pouring rain, BOOM! He kissed me. & that was the end of that!

He’s been by my side ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a clear cut “FUCK Yes” the whole time. Remember, I was still - independence obsessed. I was doing this move no matter who or what came along! So I had a few months of rocking back and forth between “ I love him, can’t live without him. I just want to drop everything to be with him” and “ NO NO NO, FOCUS Girl. You’re a LadyBoss. Imma go do what I gotta do, to be where I gotta be!”. Because for some reason, I wasn’t able to find the middle ground. It was one or the other. We had a few struggles, but who doesn’t.

We always seemed able to find a way to communicate, work things out, and find our way back to one another.

The really effing BIG life:

A year later, I’m in Vancouver, at my friends place, though it didn’t take long for me to want my own space with Eric. It took a whole 2 weeks. Barely unpacked, I was already looking into apartment rentals.

Eric is gone ¾ of the time, for work. I only get the privilege to see him 7-10 days out of the month. We’re quite the social butterflies (when we wanna be) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that, I barely see him as it is, I need my alone time with him more than ever when I do see his face! My feminist- independence - obsessed- ass, chilled for a minute. I decided I needed my space with my boyfriend. A space where we could make as much noise as we want and not disturb anyone…Because our daily morning joke telling- meme watching - wrestling - pillow fighting routine can get rowdy. Anyway, I laugh like a hippopotamus, so really… It only made sense.

Under 3 weeks of my living there, we managed to lock down an apartment. Two weeks later we were both moved in.

During that time, I had applied and started with lululemon (again). I also pressed “resume” on my acting career. I was taking as many “On set” gigs as I could get my hands on. We were busy busy bee’s.

I wanted to live the life I imagined for myself; and that’s a REALLY effing BIG life. I decided I was committing to my vision, & my goals. I finally chose to make my dreams a reality. Now, not only am I here, but we both are, together, moved into an apartment in the dead center of Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Wow.

I’m getting paid to do what I love to do. Am I at the finish line? Not yet. Do I know what my finish line is? Not sure… I have an idea. If it’s what I think it is, I’m not quite there yet, but that’s A-Ok with me. I’m not there yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was 3 years ago!

And I’m hacking at it, bit by bit, everyday… Slowly but surely.

The “BIG Magic”:

“Big Magic” is a book written by the famous “Eat, Pray, Love” author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book puts into words what it is to live a creative life beyond fear.

This thing, full of words, not only allowed me to notice my own sparks of creativity, but allowed me to notice little miracles happening everyday. The more I pay attention, the more I believe everything happens for a reason! If I wouldn't’ve epically failed on my brilliant idea to move across the country with a boy from vacay, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s my kind of BIG Magic.

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. She was taken into surgery and woke up cancer free. BIG Magic. I had been homesick for a while, I was anxious about not knowing when I’d get to go home next. I was always making excuses because I felt like I couldn’t rationalize spending that kind of money.

As drastic as it may seem, when I found out my mom was being taken into emergency surgery, I could no longer rationalize NOT spending that kind of money. So I flew out first thing the next morning. I got to spend quality time with my close loved ones. I got to touch base & be home for a bit, she needed me as much as I needed her. Life found a way to make that happen. That’s BIG magic.

It may not always look like it, or even feel like it, but BIG (little) magic happens all the time. You can witness the tiniest miracles, if you pay closer attention.

“Life happens for you, not to you” - to live a magical life, takes patience & lose the fear. Fear is No Bueno. You won’t need it, so chuck it in the fuckit bucket. AND LIVE A BIGASS LIFE

So there you have it folks.

Until Next Time

Ctrl+Shift+ go Awesome everywhere xox

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 7 years ago

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uni feels blab post 2525

so, this semester has got me feeling some shit bc it’s my second last one, as i intend to finish my degree at the end of autumn session next year and graduate in july 2018, granted if i pass everything (fingers crossed!).

let’s start on last saturday night, when i was organising my important documents. whilst doing this to avoid my assignments (two of which are due next week and i still haven’t bothered to start lmao); i found my uni acceptance letter that i received in 2014 to say that i had spot in the bachelor of communication and media studies (BCMS) at uow. obvs, i transferred out of the course bc i felt at the time i felt like i didn’t fit into it... and i still feel that way when i’ve debated with myself whether i should go into a double degree with it or not (and fyi, the answer is a resounding NO on that one).

but the point is that i just can’t believe how far i’ve come from then, let alone the end of high school. like, at the end of high school in 2013, i wasapproaching my higher school certificate/HSC and i was incredibly depressed and anxious, so much so i didn’t believe that i could even get into uni to do philosophy or theatre or english literature etc etc etc. i also believed that every one i knew from both of the high schools i had gone to (st joeys and lake) as well as my tafe class; thought i was to brainless (insert other words that mean “dumb” or “stupid” here bc it’s late and can’t bothered to think of any) to get anywhere the required mark to get into the course from school (an atar of 70). I was still like that in 2014 while i was attending business college for my advanced diploma... up until about june. this is where, after my tutor gave us a big talk about marks not mattering in the real world blah blah blah, that i picked myself off the floor and realised that my worth wasn’t based on my marks. i kinda threw myself into that course in 2014 to prove to myself that i could something with myself. and i did. i got into uni, lmao. (and pls mind that i know that i talk about this a lot, but its bc it means a lot to me lol)

of course, over my time at uni, i have had times where i feel like my success is wholly dependent on my marks, like my dad keeps telling me to do honours but my results don’t meet the requirements (i.e. to 75′s/distinctions in 300 level english subjects and a WAM of 75). i do qaulify for a new PG course my uni offering though to my wam range, a masters of research... but honestly, i couldn’t be fucked to carry on with study. i’ve done enough for now, in a way. and then all of the internships/grad programs i look at half a minimum req. of a credit average (a wam of 65), which is what i’ve basically got (67.5), so its good enough.

ANYWAY. back to this semester. i finally received my mark for my first essay of the term, one in kid’s lit. we had to close-read one paragraph in a 300 page book and write 1200 words on it. im pissed as fuck with my tutor/lecturer who told me to use the paragraph i chose bc it was a good one to use.... bc he said in the marking comment that it “didn’t really lend itself to close reading very well”.... and it’s like “then why the fuck did you say it was ok to use???” and “then what the fuck actually constituted as a good length paragraph to use???”

bc i picked a load of para’s for him to look at and all he said was” “no, that’s too long... if you take half of it out it will lose its meaning in your essay, and there’s too much going on there. so, no, you can’t use it” (mind you, some of the ones that elicited this comment were like half a page long so maybe it was fair enough...) or “no that’s too short! you won’t get enough out of that!” so it was like “honestly, what the fuck man... what the actual fuck type of fucking paragraph from the book was i meant to fuckin use????” overall, though, i got 68 for my all nighter effort which is good enough for this complete bullshit assignment and good enough for being completely fucked around by my teacher. also, he marked me down for my MLA referencing at the end... which i got off my uni library’s website bc apparently it was wrong???? honestly im livid at this guy lmao. my professors in my philosophy and shakespeare subjects have finally got their shit together and posted the questions for our first essays for the term... one is due next week (philosophy) he gave us an extra week to do it (wahoo) after forgetting to post them... and my Shakespeare one is due on october 6th... and my presentation of shakespeare is due ext thursday and i still haven’t bothered to research merchant of venice properly or even read it fully lmao, fuck.

anyways... overall this sem has been quite cruisy due to me picking to do most of my assignments right at the end and my profs mentioned above forgetting to post shit. i’ve also decided to downgrade my philosophy major to a minor to finish faster, thank christ. but the one thing thats got me stressed now is finding jobs. i have a careers consultation next week and i still have no idea where i want to go... like my linkedin is sort of helping giving me editing/writing/publishing jobs to look at as well as events/marketing/communications and PR jobs to flick through. but ugh. its terrifying. and too bad that the entry level for most of them is at least 2-3 years experience in a similar role. i want to die. and thats my emotional mid-sem breakdown post completed. if you read it, i hope you enjoyed it lmao.

#life #about me #uni #uni life #ilona actually shares her life for once lol #ilona gets hella d&m with her followers #but seriously though

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