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dykeishheart · 10 months ago

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Maybe I should bite my tongue bc I know nuance never goes unpunished, but to put the record straight on where my personal stance is: Transmisogyny is a term created by and for trans women to explain the intersection of transphobia and misogyny. Its component parts are separate but related forms of bigotry that - when synthesized - create societal conditions unique to transgender women but that can still be parsed and understood through the language of feminism because ultimately the drivers of both transphobia and misogyny are patriarchy.

To elaborate further, transmisogyny is not a term that I believe finds its value by creating distinctions of who it does and does not affect, but rather by its ability to describe specific social paradigms and what motivates them. It's not untrue that transmisogyny affects transgender men, much like it's not untrue that patriarchy negatively affects cisgender men. However, the social reality is that transmisogyny as a paradigm finds its greatest impact disproportionately among trans women because this class of person sits at a very special intersection of ideas: trans women do not gain the social standing of women, but lose the social standing of men regardless. Worse, trans women are assumed to be motivated to become women for the purpose of gaining a woman's social standing, which is assumed to just be sexual manipulation in our misogynistic society. When a man seeks to gain power of sexual manipulation, he is seen as a predator; this idea is why trans women are simultaneously villainized and sexualized so heavily.

This dynamic does not exist in the collective perception of transgender men, and thus they are treated in a different way, but crucially the things illustrating public perception of transgender men are still transphobia and misogyny. The direction is flipped, but the driver is still primarily misogyny. There is no such thing as misandry, at least not in any greater measure than a dictionary entry. There is no large scale social paradigm of hating men and taking away their rights and treating them as a lower class of person. There is thus no sense to such a word as transmisandry, because the actual paradigm being described is just misogyny. When a trans man is seen as a confused woman, or seen as a woman trying to gain social power, or seen as a woman who was tricked by wicked trans cultists, or seen as a failed woman, the motivator behind this depiction is misogyny. Trans men are treated by the standards and assumptions of women who have failed in their roles of womanhood as defined by the patriarchy. This is just misogyny.

I want to emphasize that my claim here is not that trans men do not experience transphobia in a unique way. I also do not want people to think my point is that trans men hold material power over trans women; I don't believe experiencing slightly different bigotry makes a demographic hold meaningfully different levels of power than another when both are being oppressed by the same system and both are hated by the same people. It would be stupid to claim rights for black people are being stifled by privileged latinos in white America, and it's the same here. But of course that doesn't mean trans men cannot participate in or benefit personally from transmisogyny; they absolutely can. The thing to understand here is that they did not create it and do not meaningfully sustain it, because trans men still do not hold meaningful institutional power in order to do any such thing. Trans men are vectors in the overall system, but they aren't mass movers of social force like the state apparatus or corporations or the Catholic church. Trans people make up a very small percentage of the human population and hold a resounding 0% of its political and social power; acting like any one type of trans person is the crab in the bucket preventing our rights and freedoms from improving is just deeply stupid and shortsighted.

So where does that leave us? Well, I don't know. I'm a hobby sociologist with no actual formal education. I'm a trans woman who's not even half way into her 20s and doesn't know what to make for dinner most nights. I don't have the answers to make society stop hating us. And to be blunt, I hate that the expectation rests with us. I wish I could live in a world where random trannies on the internet didn't have to be perfectly articulate in everything they say for fear of being accused of destroying the queer community. I wish I didn't live through a constant 3 month repeating cycle of various queer identities coming under fire online for engagement. More than anything I wish more people understood where and how to devote their energy for material change, because fighting with your trans sisters online does not a community make. I've watched my trans sisters get thrown under every bus imaginable for the sake of petty drama for years, and I've watched social movements fracture under the weight of useless glossary, and I've watched callout after callout after callout get thrown around and I just have to wonder what the fuck we're all doing here? I truly hate to end on such a note but I think more of us need to log the fuck off. I don't know the answer to solve transmisogyny, but I know that's not gonna happen on tumblr. And I think you know it too.

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butch-reidentified · 2 years ago

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Detrans female lurker here. I wanted to chime in with some thoughts on voice training. I think you’re correct that most ftms don’t really end up with a fully male-passing voice, but I unfortunately did and it used to be a huge insecurity and source of anxiety for me. The idea of training my voice sounded really intimidating at first, but I decided it was worth a try and I’m really glad I did. It took me a few months to get decent results, but now my trained voice sounds almost exactly like my pre-T voice, just a bit raspier. I see a lot of detrans women who feel they’re stuck with a voice they hate and I want to offer some reassurance that this isn’t the case—they can change it if they want to. Voice training can be a pain but it really does work, and it becomes automatic once you’ve been at it long enough.

Unrelated: thank you for being a voice of reason and nuance. Like you, I don’t regret my mastectomy, and when I first started orbiting radfem spaces I was very put off by all the “mutilated and ruined” talk. I find it deeply hypocritical, and I’m glad there are people speaking out against it.

Hi! So happy to meet you! I always felt pressured to hide that my surgery helped me, since it doesn't serve the common agenda of many radfems/gc folks, but one of my most core rules for myself is total honesty. I genuinely take great pride in approaching all things with nuance and caution (my nickname in a certain section of facebook back in the day was Queen of Nuance lmaoo). It makes me really happy to hear that it's noticed and makes a difference for others.

I think being vocal and honest about our positive experiences with surgery could also be a key step in helping to repair relations between radfems and trans folks, since there are many people in both groups (and some people who belong to both!) who aren't on the extreme end and see the potential benefit in building a bridge.

It also helps show genderists that I'm coming from a place of understanding, empathy, honesty, and genuineness, not hatred of trans/dysphoric/gnc people (I am dysphoric and gnc, and it could be argued I am trans in a medical but not ideological sense).

I also, VERY importantly, want this blog to be somewhere other radfems and others questioning gender ideology feel 100% safe to talk to me, ask questions, or express opinions that parts of radblr might react more harshly to. I don't think there's anything wrong with that - women are not required to be patient, educators, etc., and I certainly feel the need to scream and rant and lash out my fair share - but if we want to put the good of all women and girls first, and reach other women/girls and show them there is safety in sisterhood, some of us need to take that patient, nuanced role on sometimes. I find that people go from hateful to open pretty quick once they realize in one-on-one interaction that I'm not some trans-hating bogeyman, just a regular woman who understands dysphoria and wants everyone to be as healthy, happy, and free as possible.

Thanks for the voice training info btw! I definitely believe in the power of voice training. Despite some radfems claiming otherwise, when done right for a prolonged period of time, you can do most anything with vocal training, and it does become your "real voice." I think a lot of radfems who haven't known many MTFs irl think their voices are all fake and that if, say, they talk in their sleep, it would be in a regular deep man's voice. That's not true. Now, my experience is pretty limited to gender critical transsexuals rather than gendies, but I often discuss my mtf best friend on here, who's stayed over at me n my wife's house many times and is a hell of a sleep talker 🤣 At least in her case (and again, I use "she" bc my brain has only ever perceived her as female so it feels dishonest not to, not because she has asked me to or cares in the slightest), I can 100% confirm that the trained voice is permanent and never disappears - I mean it is like working out one muscle group a ton and letting another atrophy, so it makes sense. So it's not like voice training means talking in a fake voice for the rest of your life, which is what a lot of people seem to think.

I'm glad to hear you have no regrets about surgery and are happy as you are :) I'd love to chat more with you and hear your perspectives and opinions!

#mine #ask #radblr #non anon #non anon ask #detrans support #detrans woman #detrans #gender nonconformity #gender nonconforming #voice training #detrans voice #not trans or cis #sex dysphoria

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army-of-mai-lovers · 4 years ago

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in which I get progressively angrier at the various tropes of atla fandom misogyny

tbh I think it would serve all of us to have a larger conversation about the specific ways misogyny manifests in this fandom, because I’ve seen a lot of people who characterize themselves as feminists, many of whom are women themselves, discuss the female characters of atla/lok in misogynistic ways, and people don’t talk about it enough.

disclaimer before I start: I’m not a woman, I’m an afab nonbinary person who is semi-closeted and thus often read as a woman. I’m speaking to things that I’ve seen that have made me uncomfy, but if any women (esp women existing along other axes of oppression, e.g. trans women, women of color, disabled women, etc) want to add onto this post, please do!

“This female character is a total badass but I’m not even a little bit interested in exploring her as a human being.”

I’ve seen a lot of people say of various female characters in atla/lok, “I love her! She’s such a badass!” now, this statement on its own isn’t misogynistic, but it represents a pretty pervasive form of misogyny that I’ve seen leveled in large part toward the canon female love interests of one or both of the members of a popular gay ship (*cough* zukka *cough*) I’m going to use Suki as an example of this because I see it with her most often, but it can honestly be applied to nearly every female character in atla/lok. Basically, people will say that they stan Suki, but when it comes time to engage with her as an actual character, they refuse to do it. I’ve seen meta after meta about Zuko’s redemption arc, but I so rarely see people engage with Suki on any level beyond “look at this cool fight scene!” and yeah, I love a cool Suki fight scene as much as anybody else, but I’m also interested in meta and headcanons and fics about who she is as a person, when she isn’t an accessory to Sokka’s development or doing something cool. of course, the material for this kind of engagement with Suki is scant considering she doesn’t have a canon backstory (yet) (don’t let me down Faith Erin Hicks counting on you girl) but with the way I’ve seen people in this fandom expand upon canon to flesh out male characters, I know y’all have it in you to do more with Suki, and with all the female characters, than you currently do. frankly, the most engagement I’ve seen with Suki in mainstream fandom is justifying either zukki (which again, is characterizing her in relation to male characters, one of whom she barely interacts with in canon) or one of the Suki wlw pairings. which brings me to--

“I conveniently ship this female character whose canon love interest is one of the members of my favorite non-canon ship with another female character! gay rights!”

now, I will admit, two of my favorite atla ships are yueki and mailee, and so I totally understand being interested in these characters’ dynamics, even if, as is the case with yueki, they’ve never interacted canonically. however, it becomes a problem for me when these ships are always in the background of a zukka fic. at some point, it becomes obvious that you like this ship because it gets either Zuko or Sokka’s female love interests out of the way, not because you actually think the characters would mesh well together. It’s bad form to dislike a female character because she gets in the way of your gay ship, so instead, you find another girl to pair her off with and call it a day. to be clear, I’m not saying that everybody who ships either mailee or yueki (or tysuki or maisuki or yumai or whatever other wlw rarepair involving Zuko or Sokka’s canon love interests) is nefariously trying to sideline a female character while acting publicly as if she’s is one of their faves--far from it--but it is noteworthy to me how difficult it is to find content that centers wlw ships, while it’s incredibly easy to find content that centers zukka in which mailee and/or yueki plays a background role.

also, notice how little traction wlw Katara ships gain in this fandom. when’s the last time you saw yuetara on your dash? there’s no reason for wlw Katara ships to gain traction in a fandom that is so focused on Zuko and Sokka getting together, bc she doesn’t present an immediate obstacle to that goal (at least, not an obstacle that can be overcome by pairing her up with a woman). if you are primarily interested in Zuko and Sokka’s relationship, and your queer readings of other female characters are motivated by a desire to get them out of the way for zukka, then Katara’s canon m/f relationship isn’t a threat to you, and thus, there’s no reason to read her as potentially queer. Or even, really, to think about her at all.

“Katara’s here but she’s not actually going to do anything, because deep down, I’m not interested in her as a person.”

the show has an enormous amount of textual evidence to support the claim that Sokka and Katara are integral parts of each other’s lives. so, she typically makes some kind of appearance in zukka content. sometimes, her presence in the story is as an actual character with layers and nuance, someone whom Sokka cares about and who cares about Sokka in return, but also has her own life and goals outside of her brother (or other male characters, for that matter.) sometimes, however, she’s just there because halfway through writing the author remembered that Sokka actually has a sister who’s a huge part of the show they’re writing fanfiction for, and then they proceed to show her having a meetcute with Aang or helping Sokka through an emotional problem, without expressing wants or desires outside of those characters. I’m honestly really surprised that I haven’t seen more people calling out the fact that so much of Katara’s personality in fanon revolves around her connections to men? she’s Aang’s girlfriend, she’s Sokka’s sister, she’s Zuko’s bestie. never mind that in canon she spends an enormous amount of time fighting against (anachronistic, Westernized) sexism to establish herself as a person in her own right, outside of these connections. and that in canon she has such interesting complex relationships with other female characters (e.g. Toph, Kanna, Hama, Korra if you want to write lok content) or that there are a plethora of characters with whom she could have interesting relationships with in fanon (Mai, Suki, Ty Lee, Yue, Smellerbee, and if you want to write lok content, Kya II, Lin, Asami, Senna, etc). to me, the lack of fandom material exploring Katara’s relationships with other women or with herself speak to a profound indifference to Katara as a character. I’m not saying you have to like Katara or include her in everything you write, but I am asking you to consider why you don’t find her interesting outside of her relationships with men.

“I hate Katara because she talks about her mother dying too often.”

this is something I’ve seen addressed by people far more qualified than I to address it, but I want to mention it here in part because when I asked people which fandom tropes they wanted me to talk about, this came up often, but also because I find it really disgusting that this is a thing that needs to be addressed at all. Y’all see a little girl who watched her mother be killed by the forces of an imperialist nation and say that she talks about it too much??? That is a formational, foundational event in a child’s life. Of course she’s going to talk about it. I’ve seen people say that she doesn’t talk about it that often, or that she only talks about it to connect with other victims of fn imperialism e.g. Jet and Haru, but frankly, she could speak about it every episode for no plot-significant reason whatsoever and I would still be angry to see people say she talks about it too much. And before you even bring up the Sokka comparison, people deal with grief in different ways. Sokka repressed a lot of his grief/channeled it into being the “man” of his village because he knew that they would come for Katara next if he gave them the opportunity. he probably would talk about his mother more if a) he didn’t feel massive guilt at not being able to remember what she looked like, and b) he was allowed to be a child processing the loss of his mother instead of having to become a tiny adult when Hakoda had to leave to help fight the fn. And this gets into an intersection with fandom racism, in that white fans (esp white American fans) are incapable of relating to the structural trauma that both Sokka and Katara experience and thus can’t see the ways in which structural trauma colors every single aspect of both of their characters, leading them to flatten nuance and to have some really bad takes. And you know what, speaking of bad fandom takes--

“Shitting on Mai because she gets in the way of my favorite Zuko ship is actually totally okay because she’s ~abusive~”

y’all WHAT.

ok listen, I get not liking maiko. I didn’t like it when I first got into fandom, and later I realized that while bryke cannot write romance to save their lives, fans who like maiko sure can, so I changed my tune. but if you still don’t like it, that’s fine. no skin off my back.

what IS skin off my back is taking instances in which Mai had justified anger toward Zuko, and turning it into “Mai abused Zuko.” do you not realize how ridiculous you sound? this is another thing where I get so angry about it that I don’t know how useful my analysis is actually going to be, but I’ll do my best. numerous people have noted how analysis of Mai and Zuko’s breakup in “The Beach” or Mai being justifiably angry with him at Boiling Rock or her asking for FUCKING FRUIT in “Nightmares and Daydreams” that says that all of these events were her trying to gain control over him is....ahhh...lacking in reading comprehension, but I’d like to go a step further and talk about why y’all are so intent on taking down a girl who doesn’t show emotion in normative ways. obviously, there’s a “Zuko can do no wrong” aspect to Mai criticism (which is super weird considering how his whole arc is about how he can do lots of wrong and he has to atone for the wrong that he’s done--but that’s a separate post.) But I also see slandering Mai for not expressing her emotions normatively and not putting up with Zuko’s shit and slandering Katara for “talking about her mother too often” as two sides of the same coin. In both cases, a female character expresses emotions that make you, the viewer, uncomfortable, and so instead of attempting to understand where those emotions may have come from and why they might be manifesting the way they are, y’all just throw the whole character away. this is another instance of people in the fandom being fundamentally disinterested in engaging with the female characters of atla in a real way, except instead of shallowly “stanning” Mai, y’all hate her. so we get to this point where female characters are flattened into one of two things: perfect queens who can do no wrong, or bitches. and that’s not who they are. that’s not who anyone is. but while we as a fandom are pretty good at understanding b1 Zuko’s actions as layered and multifaceted even though he’s essentially an asshole then, few are willing to lend the same grace to any female character, least of all Mai.

and what’s funny is sometimes this trope will intersect with “I conveniently ship this female character whose canon love interest is one of the members of my favorite non-canon ship with another female character! gay rights!”, so you’ll have someone actively calling Mai toxic/problematic/abusive, and at the same time ship her with Ty Lee? make it make sense! but then again, maybe that’s happening because y’all are fundamentally disinterested in Ty Lee as a character too.

“I love Ty Lee so much that I’m going to treat her like an infantilized hypersexual airhead!”

there are so many things happening in y’alls characterization of Ty Lee that I struggled to synthesize it into one quippy section header. on one hand, you have the hypersexualization, and on the other hand, you have the infantilization, which just makes the hypersexualization that much worse.

(of course, sexualizing or hypersexualizing ANY atla character is really not the move, considering that these are child characters in a children’s show, but then again, that’s a separate post.)

now, I understand how, from a very, very surface reading of the text, you could come to the conclusion that Ty Lee is an uncomplicated bimbo. if you grew up on Western media the way I did, you’ll know that Ty Lee has a lot of the character traits we associate with bimbos: the form-fitting pink crop top, the general conventional attractiveness, the ditzy dialogue. but if you think about it for more than three seconds, you’ll understand that Ty Lee has spent her whole life walking a tightrope, trying to please Azula and the rest of the royal family while also staying true to herself. Ty Lee and Azula’s relationship is a really complex and interesting topic that I don’t really have time to explore at the moment given how long this post is, but I’d argue that Ty Lee’s constant, vocal adulation is at least partially a product of learning to survive at court at an early age. Like Mai, she has been forced to regulate her emotions as a member of fn nobility, but unlike Mai, she also has six sisters who look exactly like her, so she has a motivation to be more peppy and more affectionate to stand out.

fandom does not do the work to understand Ty Lee. as is a theme with this post, fandom is actively disinterested in investigating female characters beyond a very surface level reading of them. Thus, fandom takes Ty Lee’s surface level qualities--her love of the color pink, her revealing standard outfit, and the fact that once she found a boy attractive and also once a lot of boys found her attractive--and they stretch this into “Ty Lee is basically Karen Smith from Mean Girls.” thus, Ty Lee is painted as a bimbo, or more specifically, as not smart, uncritically adoring of Azula (did y’all forget all the non-zukka bits of Boiling Rock?), and attractive to the point of hypersexualization. I saw somebody make a post that was like “I wish mailee was more popular but I’m also glad it isn’t because otherwise people would write it as Mai having to put up with her dumb gf” and honestly I have to agree!! this is one instance in which I’m glad that fandom doesn’t discuss one of my favorite characters that often because I hate the fanon interpretation of Ty Lee, I think it’s rooted in misogyny (particularly misogyny against East Asian women, which often takes the form of fetishizing them and viewing them only through a Western white male gaze)

(side note: here at army-of-mai-lovers, we stan bimbos. bimbos are fucking awesome. I personally don’t read Ty Lee as a bimbo, but if that’s you, that’s fucking awesome. keep doing what you’re doing, queen <3 or king or monarch, it’s 2021, anyone can be a bimbo, bitches <3)

“Toph can and will destroy everyone here with her bare hands because she’s a meathead who likes to murder people and that’s it!”

Toph is, and always has been, one of my favorite ATLA characters. My very first fic in fandom was about her, and she appears prominently in a lot of my other work as well. One thing that I am always struck by with Toph is how big a heart she has. She’s independent, yes, snarky, yes, but she cares about people--even the family that forced her to make herself smaller because they didn’t believe that their blind daughter could be powerful and strong. Her storyline is powerful and emotionally resonant, her bending is cool precisely because it’s based in a “wait and listen” approach instead of just smashing things indiscriminately, she’s great disabled rep, and overall one of the best characters in the show.

And in fandom, she gets flattened into “snarky murder child.”

So where does this come from? Well, as we all know, Toph was originally conceived of as a male character, and retained a lot of androgyny (or as the kids call it, Gender) when she was rewritten as a female character. There are a lot of cultural ideas about androgynous/butch women being violent, and people in fandom seem to connect that larger cultural narrative with some of Toph’s more violent moments in the show to create the meathead murder child trope, erasing her canon emotionality, softness, heart, and femininity in the process.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t write or characterize Toph as being violent or snarky at all ever, because yeah, Toph definitely did do Earth Rumbles a lot before joining the gaang, and yeah, Toph is definitely a sarcastic person who makes fun of her friends a lot. What I am saying is that people take these traits, sans the emotional logic, marry them to their conception of androgynous/butch women as violent/unemotional/uncaring, and thus create a caricature of Toph that is not at all up to snuff. When I see Toph as a side character in a fic (because yeah, Toph never gets to be a main character, because why would a fandom obsessed with one male character in particular ever make Toph a protagonist in her own right?) she’s making fun of people, killing people, pranking people, etc, etc. She’s never talking to people about her emotions, or palling around with her found family, or showing that she cares about her friends. Everything about her relationship with her parents, her disability, her relationship to Gender, and her love of her friends is shoved aside to focus on a version of Toph that is mean and uncaring because people have gotten it into their heads that androgynous/butch women are mean and uncaring.

again, we see a female character who does not emote normatively or in a way that makes you, the viewer, comfortable, and so you warp her character until she’s completely unrecognizable and flat. and for what?

Azula

no, I didn’t come up with a snappy name for this section, mainly because fanon interpretations of Azula and my own feelings toward the character are...complicated. I know there were some people who wanted me to write about Azula and the intersection of misogyny and ableism in fanon interpretations of her character, but I don’t think I can deliver on that because I personally am in a period of transition with how I see Azula. that is to say, while I still like her and believe that she can be redeemed, there is a lot of merit to disliking her. the whole point of this post is that the female characters of ATLA are complex people whom the fandom flattens into stereotypes that don’t hold up to scrutiny, or dislike for reasons that don’t make sense. Azula, however, is a different case. the rise of Azula defenders and Azula stans has led to this sentiment that Azula is a 14 y/o abuse victim who shouldn’t be held accountable for her actions. it seems to me that people are reacting to a long, horrible legacy of male ATLA fans armchair diagnosing Azula with various personality disorders (and suggesting that people with those personality disorders are inherently monstrous and unlovable which ahhhh....yikes) and then saying that those personality disorders make her unlovable, which is quite obviously bad. and hey, I get loving a character that everyone else hates and maybe getting so swept up in that love that you forget that your fave is complicated and has made some unsavory choices. it sucks that fanon takes these well-written, complex villains/antiheroes and turns them into monsters with no critical thought whatsoever. but the attitude among Azula stans that her redemption shouldn’t be hard, that her being a child excuses all of the bad things that she’s done, that she is owed redemption....all of that rubs me the wrong way. I might make another post about this in the future that discusses this in more depth, but as it stands now: while I understand that there is a legacy of misogynistic, ableist, unnuanced takes on Azula, the backlash to that does not take into account the people she hurt or the fact that in ATLA she does not make the choice to pursue redemption. and yes, Zuko had help in making that choice that Azula didn’t, and yes, Azula is a victim of abuse, but in a show about children who have gone through untold horrors and still work to better the lives of the people around them, that is not enough for me to uncritically stan her.

Conclusion

misogyny in this fandom runs rampant. while there are some tropes of fandom misogyny that are well-documented and have been debunked numerous times, there are other, subtler forms of misogyny that as far as I know have gone completely unchecked.

what I find so interesting about misogyny in atla fandom is that it’s clear that it’s perpetrated by people who are aware of fandom misogyny who are actively trying not to be misogynistic. when I first joined atla fandom last summer, memes about how zukka fandom was better than every other fandom because they didn’t hate the female characters who got in the way of their gay ship were extremely prevalent, and there was this sense that *this* fandom was going to model respectful, fun, feminist online fandom. not all of the topes I’ve outlined are exclusive to or even largely utilized in zukka fandom, but a lot of them are. I’ve been in and out of fandom since I was eleven years old, and most of the fandom spaces I’ve been in have been majority-female, and all of them have been incredibly misogynistic. and I always want to know why. why, in these communities created in large part by women, in large part for women, does misogyny run wild? what I realize now is that there’s never going to be a one-size fits all answer to that question. what’s true for 1D fandom on Wattpad in 2012 is absolutely not true for atla fandom on tumblr in 2021. the answers that I’ve cobbled together for previous fandoms don’t work here.

so, why is atla fandom like this? why did the dream of a feminist fandom almost entirely focused on the romantic relationship between two male characters fall apart? honestly, I think the notion that zukka fandom ever was this way was horrifically ignorant to begin with. from my very first moment in the fandom, I was seeing racism, widespread sexualization of minors, and yes, misogyny. these aspects of the fandom weren’t talked about as much as the crocverse or other, much more fun aspects. further, atla (specifically zukka) fandom misogyny often doesn’t look like the fandom misogyny we’ve become familiar with from like, Sherlock fandom or what have you. for the most part, people don’t actively hate Suki, they just “stan” without actually caring about her. they hate Mai because they believe in treating male victims of abuse equally. they’re not characterizing Toph poorly, they’re writing her as a “strong woman.” in short, people are misogynistic, and then invoke a shallow, incomplete interpretation of feminist theory to shield themselves from accusations of misogyny. it’s not unlike the way some people will invoke a shallow, incomplete interpretation of critical race theory to shield themselves from accusations of racism, or how they’ll talk about “freedom of speech” and “the suppression of women’s sexuality” to justify sexualizing minors. the performance of feminism and antiracism is what’s important, not the actual practice.

if you’ve made it this far, first off, hi, thanks so much for reading, I know this was a lot. second, I would seriously encourage you to be aware of these fandom tropes and to call them out when you see them. elevate the voices of fans who do the work of bringing the female characters of atla to life. invest in the wlw ships in this fandom. drop a kudos and a comment on a rangshi fic (please, drop a kudos and a comment on a rangshi fic). read some yuetara. let’s all be honest about where we are now, and try to do better in the future. I believe in us.

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growingboi · 1 year ago

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Just for you anon <3 I really am so touched that u remembered this like over a year later lol!

Turning off reblogs on this post bc I do find this somewhat embarrassing now and don't want it to circulate again. Maybe I'll write something else like this someday!

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Sooo I’ve never written wg fiction before but here’s a little POV story 🥰 18+ of course. Illustrated with pictures of my belly lol. WC around ~1550. Featuring: transition related gain, increased appetite, stuffing, weight gain, a little degradation (the word “pig” is thrown around a lot), gender-neutral POV character not realizing they’re into it at first, whiny bottom feedee trans boy (if there’s other stuff I should include on this list please tell me!) Lmk what you think! I might continue writing stuff like this in the future, but I’ll probably try to write shorter stories if I do. - - - Your trans boyfriend is getting softer.

It’s no big deal, really. You knew before he started T that he’d experience some fat redistribution, perhaps some weight gain. He doesn’t mention it, not even when he’s excitedly sharing all of the other changes he’s observed - the way his body hair is growing in, his t dick is swelling up, his body is getting stronger and more muscular, even the less-pleasant things like how much more he sweats and needs to shower now - so you don’t bring it up, either.

You wonder if he’s noticed at all. It seems impossible not to notice. That once-flat tummy is starting to swell, to round out. It’s subtle, it’s almost nothing, but it’s there, the tiniest bit of chub softening his waist. You can’t help but let your eyes linger on it every time he takes his shirt off, wondering if he’s getting a little chubby.

- - -

His weekly dose of hormones goes up, and his appetite suddenly increases along with it.

Your boy is getting hungry. He starts eating larger servings - and then seconds - thirds - snacks between every meal. You know he’s always hungry because if he’s not actively stuffing his face, he’s complaining about how much he wants to eat.

There’s something about hearing him whine about his hunger when his belly is still bloated and round from his last excessive meal that makes you want to tell him point-blank that he’s making a pig of himself, that he’s going to start getting fat.

But you restrain yourself - even when you catch him standing in front of the pantry, shoving snacks into his mouth like he’s starving even though his belly is still swollen and tight against his shirt from his last meal. He has the decency to at least suck it in a little and look embarrassed, but he doesn’t put the snacks away; he just walks away with them, finishing his bag of chips or candy or whatever in privacy. You’re stunned by how shamelessly he’s overeating.

Is he getting fat? His belly is so often protruding now, bloated from how much he eats. It’s unclear how big he really is, because it’s so often stuffed full of food that you can’t remember when you last saw it empty. But it’s only been a few weeks since you first noticed the slight hint of pudge around his waist, so he can’t be that fat. Can he? It must be mostly bloating - right?

- - -

Soon, it’s undeniable: he is definitely getting fat.

Even when he first wakes up, his belly empty and whining for food, he’s just as round when he’s hungry now as he was absolutely stuffed a few weeks ago. Every part of him is swollen with a layer of soft chub; his belly has grown round and prominent, its shape visible through even the baggiest of his clothes now, even when it’s empty. Not that it ever stays empty for long, of course.

And he never acknowledges it, but you know he must be aware by now, because he’s been quietly setting aside all of the clothes he’s outgrown. Even the clothes he still deems wearable are looking tight on his chubby body; his gut spills over the waistband of his boxes, hanging down further and further as it grows bigger and heavier. The hang starts to brush against his plush, thickening thighs when he sits. He’s bigger, wider, softer.

You watch him stuff his overfed body into the clothes he’s outgrowing, watch that belly fat spill out of his clothes, watch them get tighter throughout the day as he eats and eats, feeling a little horrified.

It’s hard not to get some secondhand embarrassment, knowing that other people are seeing your boy fatten himself up, and so quickly. You know everyone must notice at this point, that everyone must be wondering how this thin, tiny slip of a boy could grow a gut too fat to fit in his clothes in a matter of months. Everyone must know that he’s been gorging himself with food... but he doesn't stop. Even when his shirts start to ride up. Even when he has to unbutton and unzip his pants mid-meal. He keeps eating.

- - -

One day, you come home from work and find takeout containers strewn across your apartment, shocked by the excess of it - and you walk into your bedroom to find your bloated, overfed boy cradling his round gut, hanging heavily over the waistband of his stretchiest pants, which you realize with horror are now way too small for him, cutting into his widening hips. Do any of his clothes still fit?

“Baby, you’re getting so fat,” you say, stunned. Your voice is shaking; with what emotion, you can’t tell, but it’s such a relief to say it out loud.

“I’m just so hungry,” he gasps, rubbing his swollen tummy, looking totally unashamed of his gluttony.

You quickly approach the bed, and he lowers his hands so you can both stare down at his rounded gut. To your own surprise your hands reach for his belly, poking his soft love handles and then grabbing and jiggling them, shocked at the breathy little moans this pulls from your fat boy. Oh, he - likes this?

“You’re really letting yourself go, big boy,” you hear yourself say. “Look at yourself. What the fuck have you done?”

“I’m so hungry,” he repeats, his voice a low moan. “I can’t stop.” He whimpers as your hands move more intensely over his swollen middle: kneading, grabbing handfuls of soft fat, shaking them to watch him jiggle - somehow less surprised than you should be to find your horror melting into arousal as you explore your boy’s overfed new body.

“You’re becoming such a pig.” Both of you are shocked to hear you say that; he blushes, his eyes widening, but he arches his back, sticking his belly out even further for you as you run your desperate hands over the expanse of soft flesh, now tilting his head back and openly, shamelessly moaning at the feeling.

Oh, he’s so fucking fat. You can’t believe he’s let himself pile on this much weight, growing a chubby potbelly on his formerly tiny body so fast... but you can’t take your hands off of him. You keep feeling up his new fat until he starts to whine about being hungry again, and then you walk him into the kitchen to give him snacks - watching him swell up again as he gorges himself on them, taking him back into the bedroom to feel him up and tell him how fat he’s getting once again. You spend the rest of the night this way, feeding, groping, and jiggling your big boy, all while telling him what a fatass he’s becoming. You can’t believe how much he likes it - but you can’t believe how much you like it, either.

- - -

The next morning, you wake up to the sound of your boy rummaging through the pile of overgrown clothes he’d set aside to donate.

Or he claimed they were to donate, anyway. Once he pulls on an old cropped tank and slaps the fat sticking out underneath, you wonder if he had something else in mind. He walks over, his exposed, fat belly jiggling with each step, and sits down on the bed next to you with a loud creak of the mattress and an accompanying shake of his soft tummy, which forms cute little rolls when he slouches on the bed. “I was just thinking,” he says, rubbing little circles around his belly button, “that if I’m going to be a pig-”

You cringe. “Sorry I said that,” you say, blushing at the memory of how rude you were to your boy. God, you got carried away last night...

“No,” he said, slapping his belly so that jiggles ripple across its surface, “you’re right. I am becoming a pig. And babe... I’m so hungry right now.” He grabbed a handful of his fat and shook it, his whole belly shaking along with it; you’re openly staring at his gut now, even when he speaks. “I was wondering if you would get me breakfast.”

You reach out and grab a handful of belly, too, squeezing the soft fat. “A dozen donuts?” you offer, wondering if you’re pushing it. “Seems like that’d fill you up, tubby.”

He smiles, scooping up his lower belly in two hands and then dropping it heavily back down so his entire gut bounces and jiggles, accentuating its new girth. Fuck, he’s getting so fat. “I’d like that,” he said. “It’d keep me full for a little while.”

All you want to do is stay and squish that big, soft gut more, but you jump out of bed, grabbing your keys from the dresser, eager to fill him up and see how big he can get. Looking down at your fat, needy boy, his gut hanging out of his tiny shirt, you say, “Anything to keep my piggy full and happy.” And you watch your soft hungry boy blush and cradle his doughy belly before you leave quickly for the donut shop, so excited at the prospect of feeding him good, of swelling him up, of making him so much fatter.

I've been meaning to ask but is it possible for you to repost the 'your trans boyfriend is getting fat' story? I think about it a lot bc it disappeared with the old blog

Omg I love that you still remember this 😭 I'm sure it's embarrassing in retrospect but I will try to hunt it down for you <3

Feel free to lmk who you are so I can tag you !! But I understand if you wanna be anonymous :)

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whatdoyouwanttobecalled-1 · 4 years ago

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I've been seeing a lot of posts about this all over social media, and while the majority of them are fine and just people expressing their opinions, a lot of people from both sides of the argument have been saying some really inexcusable stuff (such as telling people on the opposing side to off themselves, etc) and it's really pissing me off. Pls everyone idc if you agree w me or not but at least try to be mature and respectful when engaging in these conversations bc the goal is learning, understanding, tolerance, and cooperation (working together to find solutions to problems that will benefit all of us). So here's my stance on the issue, and feel free to reply, ask questions, or dm me and start a conversation regardless of your veiws. Just be nice! Here's my opinions, based off my own personal experience:

To start off: pansexuality is not inherently biphobic and/or transphobic

Yes, there are pansexuals who are biphobic, and yes they harm the transgender community in that sense. This is because generally pansexuals who are biphobic say they bisexuals are transphobic and essentially invalidate binary trans people's identity as a man or woman by saying that bisexuals are only attracted to cis men and cis women, not trans people. However, the majority of pansexual people do not think this way. Personally (and most of the pansexuals as talked to agree w me), I do not believe that bisexuality is transphobic. Why? Trans women are women, and trans men are men. If you will not date a trans person simply bc they are trans, then you're transphobic, but that has absolutely nothing to do w your sexuality. My own and most people's understanding of bisexuality (and the definition you get if you Google it, and the definition that most bisexuals will give you), is that bisexuality means attraction to 2 or more genders (which yes, could mean all), with a preference. With. A. Preference. I identified as bi to myself for years, and came out as bi for almost a year, never feeling as if the label fully fit me or that I was fully understood by the community bc there is always sm emphasis on the fact that bisexuals have a preference, while I never have. I don't think anyone is less than anyone else for having a preference, or better than anyone else for not having a preference. Pansexuality simply allows me to be apart of a smaller more specific community that fully understands my experience w attraction. I also know that bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term for anyone attracted to 2+ genders, but in the same way that it's not biphobic for lesbians to prefer to date other lesbians bc of their shared experience, I like having a smaller community that specifically experiences attraction in the same way that I do. I've also seen a lot of people talking about how people seem to think that bisexuals only care about sex, and that pansexuals think theyre better bc they're uwu innocent babies. I'm not entirely sure I'm not on the ace spectrum somewhere but lemme tell you that does not make me any less of a whore. No one is better than anyone else for how much or little they think about or enjoy sex.

2nd; bisexuality is not inherently transphobic.

Yes, there are bisexuals who are transphobic, but this is not the majority of the community. Most bi people consider trans women to be real women (which they are) and trans men to be real men (which they are). I will say it again; if you won't date someone just bc they're trans, you are transphobic, but that has nothing to do w your sexuality. As for non binary people, yes, bisexuality includes them too. Bisexuality is not inherently transphobic.

3rd; all mspec labels are fucking valid.

Whether you identify as bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or polysexual, you are valid. You can use bisexuality as an umbrella term if that's what you're most comfortable w, or if the definition perfectly describes your relationship w attraction then that's cool too. If you feel that pansexuality, omnisexuality, or polysexuality better describes you and you enjoy having a smaller more specific community to fully relate to, guess what, that's also cool. No one is better than anyone else, and while there are members of every community who feel that they are, they do not represent everyone.

4th; panphobia/omniphobia/polyphobia only comes from the mspec community, if it comes from outside, it's probably biphobia

Let me explain; there is no problem that comes from people who are not attracted to multiple genders that everyone on this spectrum doesn't face. Bisexuality is a spectrum that we all fall on, an umbrella term that we all fit under. This means that unless it's coming from a person or group on this spectrum, it's probably biphobia you're facing. There are 2 types of biphobia: the biphobia that comes from mspecs, and the biphobia that comes from people who aren't on the spectrum of bisexuality. The biphobia that comes from inside is only against people who identify as bisexual, and the biphobia that comes from outside is against anyone who is attracted to multiple genders. I'm not saying there aren't a few instances of people who arent mspec targeting a specific group and not every mspec identity, but most of the time, if it's from the outside, it's classified as biphobia, bc that includes all of us.

In conclusion, this is what the mspec sexualities are and some of my final thoughts;

Bisexuality = attraction to 2+ genders with or without a preference. It can be used as an umbrella term by the whole mspec community, or as a specific label on it's own. It includes trans and non binary people, and is not a transphobic label. There are transphobic bisexuals, but the fact that they are transphobic and the fact that they are bisexual are not related in any way. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity, or sexuality in general.

Pansexuality = attraction to all genders without a preference. It is not biphobic and/or transphobic. There are biphobic and/or transphobic pansexuals but the fact that they are biphobic and/or transphobic is not related to their pansexuality. Many people who identify as bisexual describe their attraction in the same way as pansexuals. This is 100% valid as bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term and the label you identify w is all about your comfort. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity or sexuality in general.

Omnisexuality = attraction to all genders w a preference. It is not biphobic and/or transphobic. There are biphobic and/or transphobic omnisexuals but the fact that they are biphobic and/or transphobic is not related to their omnisexuality. Many people who identify as bisexual describe their attraction in the same way as omnisexuals. This is 100% valid as bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term and the label you identify w is all about your comfort. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity or sexuality in general.

Polysexuality = attraction to more than 2, but not all genders. It is not biphobic and/or transphobic. There are biphobic and/or transphobic polysexuals but the fact that they are biphobic and/or transphobic is not related to their polysexuality. Many people who identify as bisexual describe their attraction in the same way as polysexuals. This is 100% valid as bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term and the label you identify w is all about your comfort. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity or sexuality in general.

Honestly, I think we all get enough hate from inside and outside the lgbtqia+ community and we need to stick together and have each others backs. It's not the microlabels that are causing problems, it's the exclusionists. Invalidating eo's experiences and saying that biphobia is a bigger problem, panphobia is a bigger problem, omniphobia is a bigger problem, or polyphobia is a bigger problem, isn't gonna help anyone or solve anything. We can have slightly different experiences and still relate and support eo. Also, even if you have a problem w a specific label, pls just ask your questions genuinely, and try to understand the opposing side. Just have a mature conversation. If you're too young or immature to do that then you probably shouldn't be on social media. Calling eo names and telling eo to off ourselves isn't helping anything and there is no excuse for it. I've always loved the lgbtqia+ community for it's love and acceptance, but the more active I become within the community itself, the more I realise how toxic it can be. Sometimes I'm genuinely embarrassed to part of this community. Especially when it's grown adults acting like children that is causing the problems. Pls do better. Thank you for your time, thank you for reading, I love you, have a nice day!!!

Also I just want to add that ik there are more mspec identities than this, and you're all so valid. These are just the sexualities that ik enough about to give a proper statement on and the ones I've seen mentioned in this discourse the most. I'm actively trying to learn more about the mspec identities I mentioned, and those that I didn't. Pls feel free to give me any info on any sexuality (doesn't even have to be mspec I just want to learn more so I can be good ally for everyone), or ask me any questions about my own sexuality, and pls let me know if there is anything I should add or any misinformation in this post (I will not be including blatant blankphobia against any mspec identity so don't even try it bitches)

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exchangestudentmicha · 4 years ago

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The Brothers with a Transmasc S/O

Transmasc MC

Warnings: talks about gender dysphoria, suggestive bits in Asmo’s part, I can’t write for shit

Everyone’s dysphoria is different, and some people don’t have dysphoria. That doesn’t make you any less valid.

This is partially inspired by my experiences with dysphoria and how I deal with it. So if its different for you, sorry about that I only really know about my experiences since I’m basically the only trans person I know.

(A lot of this is absolutely just pure self indulgence)

Also, what a perfect way to start pride month

Lucifer

Face it, its Lucifer, he already knew

And he’s ready to make sure that you’re comfortable during the entirety of you stay in the Devildom

Binders? Packers? Trans Tape? Voice training? Anything to make you feel more comfortable

Man could probably hook you up with some T to be honest

If anyone tries to misgender or deadname you, well… It was nice knowing them

Will gladly help you through your dysphoric episodes when they come around

Chest dysphoria? He’ll get your binder and give you his coat. Hair dysphoria? He’ll help you tuck it into a hat. Voice dysphoria? You can text him to speak, you don’t have to say anything for now.

Mammon

“You’re what now?” *cue MC giving him an annoyed look* “What?”

You’re gonna have to explain what being trans is to this idiot

But once you do he will unsurprisingly get even more protective over you

Will gladly throw hands with anyone that tries to be discriminatory against you, anywhere, anytime

In fact, his tsundere tendencies will get even wilder as he constantly flips between trying to come off as cool and uncaring, and being ready to protect or comfort you at a moments notice

Man is prepared to comfort you or help distract you from any dysphoria that comes around, immediately forgets about whatever nonexistent ‘cred’ he has to keep, tsundere mode is out the window for now. The only thing that matters is you

Need a distraction? Boom, movie night with your favorite snacks. Not feeling masculine enough? What are you talking about, you’re the most handsome man he’s ever met. You want cuddles to feel better? You won’t be leaving his arms the entire night.

Levi

He does his cute little scream, we all know it

“WHOAAAAAAAA! You’re just like this character from ‘I’m a magical boy, but I have to pretend that I’m not to keep my villain family from attacking me’!”

Will try to find every anime, manga, and video game with trans characters out there so you can have characters to relate to

Part 2 of ‘will throw hands with anyone that tries to hurt you’

Along with shouting every swear word he knows (seriously, grab him and cover his mouth or he’ll sound like a typical 12 year old playing COD)

He’ll probably be the first to figure out that you’re having a bad dysphoria day, because let’s be real, this man waits everyday for the time when you come to his room to hang out

And when you don’t show up, he kinda blows up your phone a bit before going to your room himself

The MASTER of distraction

I mean hell, with how many games, anime series, manga, and TSL he has, you could stay in his room for a literal month and still have things to do (He probably also has the snack and ramen rations to the point of where you didn’t have to leave the room at all too)

He may not be the best influence for getting out being a functional person, he’ll at least be good at distracting you from dysphoria and helping you cope with it

Satan

Will immediately read any book he can find about being trans and how to help and support people who are trans

Might accidentally ignore you bc he’s nose deep in books trying to figure out how to be the best boyfriend he could be

Just talk to him about it and he’ll immediately stop and explain what’s going on (poor boi feels so guilty)

Man will not just throw hands with whoever tries to hurt you, he will kill

Will gladly read to you when you’re dysphoric as a distraction from it or show you the kitten he just snuck in just don’t tell Lucifer

He will also make sure that you’re taking care of yourself when doing things like binding

“How long have you had that binder on?” *uncertain MC noises* “Take it off before you hurt yourself, I’ll get you some water to drink as well. It’s good to stay hydrated while you’re binding.”

Asmo

Immediately plans a shopping trip as soon as you tell him

“We need to get you some proper masculine clothes, those oversized shirts and hoodies may make you look flatter, but they also make you look a bit like a child.” (He’s usually brutally honest when it comes to fashion but he’s trying to be nice) “I just want to help you pick out some clothes that make you look like the handsome man you are~”

Will give you every tip he knows about how to look more masculine

Won’t exactly throw hands with anyone who tries to discriminate against you, but will gladly destroy their social life in an instant

Will gladly show you his strap on collection for when you get into sexy times no don’t ask why he has so many, you may not want to know in some cases

If you’re going through a rough patch of dysphoria, he will give you a massive self care day. Just a whole day of him, you, endless praise, and anything and everything under the sun to help you relax and feel better

Beel

He’s another one that you’ll have to explain being trans to

But once you do, he’ll immediately drop whatever he was eating and pull you into a tight hug and maybe suffocate you with his massive pecs

Will probably look up ways to help you through your transition and support you

If you mention that you want to bulk up a bit to look more masculine, he will do whatever he can to help

This man knows his stuff when it comes to working out and building up certain muscles, he’ll tell you which exercises will help you bulk up and teach you how to do the exercises so you don’t hurt yourself when you do them

He’ll also make sure that you don’t wear your binder while working out, no it doesn’t matter how bad you want to it’s not worth a hospital trip

And if anyone tries to make you uncomfortable while you two are working out, well how about that, Beel’s found his next meal

If you’re feeling dysphoric he’ll bring you every snack that he can find in the house and let you pick your favorites and maybe eat around half of them

Belphie

Let’s be real, he’ll probably say something on the lines of “neat” and then roll over and go back to sleep

Don’t worry, your words got through to him, because once he’s awake, he’s ready to show his full and maybe half asleep support

He’s been around humans the most out of his brothers due to his angel past, so he already understands what you mean

He’ll ask what your preferred name is, pronouns, anything he can think of that would make you more comfortable

That also includes his beloved pillow, yup, if you’re feeling dysphoric he’ll gladly hand over his cow pillow if you want it

Speaking of when you’re dysphoric, if he finds out, he’ll pick you up, take you to the attic, make you into a blanket burrito (with your consent of course), and then cuddle you while telling you reassuring words until you feel better

He will gladly do anything to make you feel better, he’ll even get up from his naps! Without complaining! You are his everything, and he still feels like he owes you ever since the attic incident

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sketchdeath · 2 years ago

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I’m comfortable in my body like I’ve never had gender dysphoria about being born a women. But I don’t really get jealous of other women and sometimes when I’m looking at pictures of men I just feel really sad bc I wish I looked like that. Like I really wish I was born with a dick and masculine features. But also I love my femininity. I guess I never really let myself think about my gender so now idk what the fuck is going on.

well. im not really sure what you wanted me to say in response to this ask, but i can try and give some advice.

trans experience is different for everyone. not everyone (and truly, most do not) fit along the neat lines of what is supposed to be a trans childhood/teenhood/internal knowledge/timeline/etc. i do and dont fit some of those. i always "knew." but at the same time i was always very much a little queen. (and i still am!) and i transitioned into an ~effeminate man~ (that's an option!)

gender dysphoria doesn't always manifest itself in bodily discomfort. in the beginning stages of my coming out process, a large part of my gender dysphoria was grief, longing, and homesickness for the life i was "supposed to" be living. of course, there were bodily things as well... (a lot of which i don't feel comfortable talking about it publically.) but body isn't all there is, not for everyone at least. and, importantly, gender dysphoria is not hating your body. in my experience... it's a lot more innate. instinctual. like a phantom limb (sometimes literally lol) you don't have to have a set bullet checklist of things you do/feel to be trans. it just is what it is.

i wanted to share my personal experiences to give you a wider picture of what trans people experience, of course, i have a biased opinion because i only know what i know/have experienced. i know what wishing to be born with a dick/masculine features feels like, so... of course im going to want to say i relate to you in *that way,* but…that still doesn't mean anything for you.

…for my REAL real advice, and maybe this isnt what you wanted to hear: but only you know what you are. no one can tell you otherwise how you "really" feel. there is no (in my worldview) higher power or universe controlling the narrative of your life. no path leading you to an ultimate happiness destiny. you are at the steering wheel of your own life. (repeat that last sentence like 10 times in your own head.) if you are looking for permission, you already have it. you have that power, and more power than you know. you are allowed to be whatever you think will be best for yourself long-term. (or short-term. or whatever. its your life.) if you want to be a guy, be a guy. try thinking about yourself as both, or neither, or "sometimes" for a while. its okay to say nah, im a chick whos more masc than i allowed myself to be before. think about misogyny, transphobia, homophobia, and all that. seek out a varied amount of experiences. throw some spaghetti at the wall. it's okay to think long and hard about these things. you're literally switching around the entire idea you have about yourself in your head and all by yourself, its a difficult thing. it takes time, there's no rush.

if you have any big takeaways from reading this just know that you, and only you, have the power to drive your own life trajectory and that you, and only you, have the power of knowing who you are. even if no one in the whole wide world knows but you. and no one else has the power to tell you otherwise.

this is just my personal philosophy/spiritually (or i guess, lack of.)

#ask

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spacelazarwolf · 2 years ago

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separatism is not the answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like something in particular that pisses me off abt this anon is the whole “transfems can’t understand my history with transandrophobia” thing bc in my experience, there have been a ton of transfems online and irl who have been able to at least in part relate to my experiences as a trans masc person. they’ve understood the demonization of masculinity in queer spaces, they’ve understood what it’s like to want to be a part of these safe spaces only to be told You Must Be This Feminine To Enter. they’ve understood incredibly intimately how damaging the narrative around testosterone being poison can be. i mean jfc they don’t have to relate 100000% perfectly to every single experience i have. i find value in bonding over the most generic trans stuff! not being able to be out at work. coming out at work and having people be weird to you. trying to access gender affirming care but insurance being shitty about it or doctors being weird about it. going to queer prom for the first time and crying because you never thought you’d get a redo, let alone one where you could wear what you actually wanted. sitting around a table and working on a craft while talking about movies.

we have so much more in common than we realize and we need to acknowledge that!!!

Idk it just makes sense to me to kinda be two separate (but like ven diagram bc multi gender ppl etc) groups. Like transfems can’t understand what my history of transandrophobia etc. and I don’t feel like explaining it to them. Plus a lot of “Transunity” stuff I’ve seen on twitter (and like I’m aware that transfems are a multitude and ppl on twitter are not representative of 90% of transfems etc). is like well us REALLY oppressed trans women should let trans men fight for us <3 and it’s like. Idk. Transunity just seems like ignoring a ton of Inter trans community issues, and idk maybe someone needs to tell a lot of transfems that there’s no statistical difference in violent crimes against transfems/mascs and they’re just straight up not “more oppressed”

To be fair that's not at all the experience I had here, it feels like us transunity people are the ones explaining that all trans people are oppressed in different but related ways, and that there's no point in saying one is more oppressed than the other. The point of transunity is to support both transmasc and transfem (and other!) voices, and that everyone's issues are legitimate. Not to have it become a competition or have some people's issues silenced, that's exactly the opposite of what we stand for.

Of course some people on Twitter might not be like this, but it's Twitter and certainly not the best website to be on for mental health.

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nazuna-tunnel-vision · 2 years ago

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re:your post about the she/her-ing of enstars characters! i just wanted to provide A Perspective on it. i recognize this probably isn't everyone's perspective and i don't want to claim to speak for everyone but i figured providing a perspective could maybe be helpful in some way and i do like thinking about fandom behaviours critically yknow! (and ig disclaimer ahead of time that i always use she/her for arashi, she's the exception to whatever i'll say below bc canon transfem character)

for me at least i tend to refer to characters with she/her if they're ones i specifically headcanon as transfem/mainly using she/her pronouns or if it's specifically requested by op of an art/etc and i'm reblogging it and adding commentary in the tags. for me the regulars are ibara/mayoi/sometimes hokuto or tomoya or hiyori, with veeery occasional one-offs of other characters . which is a fairly small group of characters in the grand scheme of things! but if everyone in the tag was doing that for the small group of characters they personally have those headcanons for, then eventually at some point it'll go around to every member of the cast. that might be part of why it seems to be oversaturating the tag; there's a lot of unique people here on enstarsblr with their own unique interpretations of the characters' genders.

another thing i think is worth pointing out is that since the characters for the most part in canon are cis men, it's not going to be as visibly obvious when someone headcanons a character as transmasc, since for the most part a transmasc version of an existing enstars character will be referred to similarly as they would be in canon. unless op specifically states it, there's no way of knowing if the he/him they're using to refer to an enstars character is meant in an adhering-to-canon cis way or an i-hc-this-character-transmasc way. i personally headcanon every iteration of nazuna, natsume, or jun that i talk about as transmasc, but that's not going to be as visibly obvious as my ibara/mayoi/etc. headcanons because there isn't a difference in pronouns between canon and the headcanoned version of them that exists in my head.

additionally, i'm asian - which has a big effect on how i personally approach trans enstars hcs, because my view on gender + the social structures informing it is directly informed by my lived experience as a trans asian person. i've personally lived through a LOT of microaggressive feminization sourced from the general feminization of the 'East' and asian people and bc of that (+ my general interest in studying gender + related expression as a social construct) i can say that i, at least, am critical of those potential sources of headcanons because of my personal experience and awareness of them. i can't guarantee this for every enstarsblr blogger obviously but idk. you can't know a person's entire lived experience and why they have the headcanons they do just by seeing them use she/her for a character consistently. i do think that you're bringing up a good point in that asian men - and in particular the specific kind of 'soft' masculinity that asian idols generally try to achieve - are overly feminized by the west, and it's definitely a good thing to keep in mind when making these hcs, but i also think it might be less of a source of these headcanons than we might think. nevertheless i will always encourage ppl to be critical of their own thought processes and think about why they make the headcanons they do!

i hope this uh. i dont know if this will help at all it got a bit long and rambly but i hope the perspective i brought could at least add something to the conversation!

hiya, thank you for writing this thoughtful reply! i was hoping for someone to provide some perspective when i wrote that post so i’m glad i got a reply, especially one as long as detailed as yours.

you bring up a very important point that we can't know a person's lived experiences and why they chose to use certain pronouns for a character just from their posts. it definitely would be bonkers to expect people to explain themselves every time they use not-usual pronouns for a character, or to expect them to add disclaimers that they are thinking critically.

(putting everything else under read more bc this made me think a lot. basically lots of thoughts about what it means to engage in fandom with a lot of conflicting interpretations of the work, especially with respect to gender)

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i’m sort of thinking out loud here but like. i think it's a. very strange conundrum we face regarding gender in fandom. irl i usually use the principle of "we should just use whatever pronoun the person uses for themself". i’m a huge supporter of prioritising that individual above others who might be uncomfortable using a certain pronoun for a person they coded a different way.

i instinctively use this principle when engaging with fiction too, but. "use whatever pronoun the person themself uses" does not necessarily work in fandom because the characters themselves aren't real; they won't feel dysphoria from us assigning them genders or misgendering them.

i think we should prioritise readers' experiences. but sometimes that reader experience involves headcanons and certain degrees of projection that makes interpretations diverge quite a bit. i'm not saying that projecting on characters is wrong, it’s quite the opposite; i know it can have very transformative and constructive impact on how the reader thinks about things and i 10/10 support it.

but it’s like. which interpretation do you privilege? can they even coexist? it’s not the same as more inane headcanons like “nazuna always cooks fried rice for others bc it’s the only thing he can actually cook”. (this is wrong, by the way. source: Trust Me [this is a joke, i’ve never actually given nazuna’s cooking skills much thought, despite being tumblr user nazuna-tunnel-vision. i don’t actually have thoughts about this. he does cook fried rice for ra*bits on multiple occasions though and they all love it. sorry for the sudden nazuna fun fact intermission. i couldn't help it])

gender headcanons inadvertently become a lot more personal and political. i can just ignore or skim over whichever fic or post that incorrectly talks about nazuna being terrible at cooking and still enjoy other nazuna-centric posts by that person. but i can’t really do the same for posts with differing interpretations of gender bc i’ll be reading normally and then get smacked out of the immersion with “???! the pronoun??”

i'm a little. sad and miffed about this because i think people who assign non-usual genders to characters tend to be very enthusiastic about these characters. i sure would love to read what they have to say and to bask in that energy, but i truly do not enjoy the physical sensation of being metaphorically hit in the face every time i come across a pronoun i did not expect to be used for that character.

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and i know that this reply has already gotten plenty long but i’m also starting to wonder how much of me preferring people to stick to the pronouns that i’m used to comes from a place of privilege or conservativeness. there is my concern about people needlessly feminizing men who aren’t Buff Hollywood Male Men, but also the majority of my reply so far has basically just been “man i would prefer if people just stuck to my interpretation of gender where i can see it :/”. it reminds me a lot of straight pride and the protection of prevailing gender norms - you know, when people are homophobic and transphobic not necessarily because they’re evil and want to actively want to repress people, but because they’re personally uncomfortable with it. they just don’t want to see it and be made uncomfortable. the whole political stance of, “i don’t care if people want gay sex - they can do their own thing, it’s none of my business. but i do NOT want them to demand marriage equality where the rest of us can see it”. because marriage & the law is in the public sphere and isn’t easily blocked out. obviously these things are not of the same severity because we’re talking about headcanons about fictional characters here, but you get the idea.

in hindsight i do wonder if my previous post should be archived because it does sort of send the message that it’d be nice if people change the pronouns they use for everyone-sans-arashi in the public enstars tag. like yeah it would be nice for my personal fandom experience, but i don’t want people in the tag to feel like they have to censor their words to make others in the fandom comfortable - especially if their gender headcanons for characters help them to explore their own conceptions of gender. or if it just makes their engagement with the story more fun. you guys have my full support even if the she/her-ing of enstars makes me instinctively flinch and bang my knee on the table every time i come across it. i will grit my teeth - or find some way to mute or block you guys if it really comes down to it - but never change!!

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the topic of the privilege of comfort & the fact that i flinch at the she/her-ing mostly because of how it conflicts with my own interpretation of the characters also makes me wonder - is it the same for you when you come across people using he/him for characters that you identify as using she/her? since from your perspective, we are misgendering them.

my current guess is that it’s a little different because he/him is generally the more popular & mainstream interpretation. so you might be more aware of and prepared for he/him misgendering. or you’re simply more accepting of different gender interpretations because that was already your starting point to begin with. it probably doesn’t hit you out of the left field like it always does for me. i think! i dunno.

or maybe the characters’ gender identities are like little secrets between you and the character. so looking at people who misgender them might instead make you go, “haha look at this idiot who doesn’t know”. (i’m not sure if it’s appropriate to bring this up in a discussion that unexpectedly became pretty serious, but i think that’s a fun way of engaging with fiction and fandom.)

if there is a difference in the way we react to gender interpretations different from our own, i think it might reflect, to an extent, the way people irl deal with queerness and the whole sentiment about how being queer is valid, but somehow not valid enough to be seen in public (like at gay pride) or in the public sphere (like in laws). again, how we address fictional characters really doesn’t have the same gravity or consequence, but i think the sentiments behind it might be similar.

(another possible explaination is that i unfortunately need to touch grass because i'm taking headcanons and fictional characters' genders too seriously. can't cross that out!)

you don’t have to answer this though; it’s already more than enough that you took the time to reply to my initial post with my perspective! your reply really made me think a lot. thank you <3

#asks #ok just in case anon gives up halfway through reading the reply. you don't have to read it or to reply #it already means a lot that you took the time to reply with your perspective! it made me think a lot.

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my-darling-boy · 4 years ago

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i am non binary and eventually want top surgery. i can't get it yet bc i'm a minor and i can't come out to my parents, but i'm gonna be 18 soon and have a question. if i want to get top surgery, do i need to tell the truth about it? like, do i have to come out and say the true reason behind it, or can i say it's for another reason? and what would be easier in the end? i'm really scared of having to be out like that to get surgery

Sorry for the length of this!

Some trans people give false reasons to their family for wanting top surgery, and this can be the case if you’re using parents’ insurance and don’t want them to know what you’re using it for. The problem with this is that if you don’t cover your tracks with the lie, your family can still find out, especially if you still live with them. While being over 18 (at least in California where I live) prohibits your family from accessing your health info because you are now legally an adult entitled to confidentially, it doesn’t stop them from opening up mail from health insurance or surgeon offices that arrive at the house. While the mail I was sent states my approved procedures were “Bilateral Masectomy” and nipple grafts, it CLEARLY states under the diagnosis section on the front page “female to male” and “Transsexualism”, regarding the diagnosis of gender dysphoria I needed for the surgery. If a parent doesn’t know you’re non-binary and they go digging through your mail, there is always he possibility they may see words related to the surgery being gender related.

For the medical setting, it’s much trickier to do completely in the closet. For top surgery, most places around the world—with some exceptions—require one or more of the following for insurance/medical reasons: a recent written and signed diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a licensed therapist, signed and written proof of hormone replacement therapy for X amount of time from either a physician or endocrinologist, having lived at least 1+ years socially using the name/pronouns you intend to use, or statements from close family members and/or friends that you exhibit dysphoria or that you have been living socially with the name/pronouns you intend to use. Those are the typical ones I’ve seen, but because surgeons/laws/and insurances or medical groups have varying definitions of what grants one permission for the surgery, it can vary wildly from person to person, and what can complicate this further is that insurance and surgeons will have different criteria you need to abide by. Some surgeons are very relaxed and will simply give you the surgery provided they deem you medically fit while your insurance company says you need dysphoria and Hrt for them to cover it. Which brings me to my next point.

A bilateral/double mastectomy is deemed a “cosmetic or non-essential surgery” by most insurances (unless you are a cancer patient, at least in the US) which means insurances don’t like to cover all of the cost. I’ve seen this procedure range from $3,500 all the way to $18,000. The average price is $5,000-$10,000. I don’t remember the cost of my overall surgery, but I know my office consult alone was $1,200. Using my parents’ insurance, I only paid $15 copays. The only way to get my insurance company to cover what could have been a $10,000 surgery was to make them see it was “necessary” and this is why they require the dysphoria diangosis. While I don’t believe you need dysphoria to be trans or have top surgery, unfortunately insurance usually asks for it (“dysphoria” for an insurance company basically tells them you have a mental health issue that is negatively impacting your life and the surgery is needed to correct the dysphoria). With this in mind, it might be near impossible to get coverage for a bilateral masectomy coupled with chest contouring while in the closet to everyone, unless you’ve had a serious medical condition such as cancer since “restoring a breast isn’t considered a cosmetic procedure. It’s reconstructive surgery. Since it’s considered part of the treatment of a disease, the law says insurance providers must provide coverage.” (x) Alternatives would be chest liposuction, however liposuction is still cosmetic and therefore probably not eligible for full, if any, insurance coverage and there are zero ways for chest contouring or nipple resizing.

And which route is easier? In my own opinion, if you’re not comfortable going behind your family’s back or you need their insurance, you might need to tell them the truth, provided you feel in a position to talk about it with your family, and I only say this cos there can be instances where not telling them the whole truth can have consequences for you in the end. Some trans people report issues where coverage was denied after they got the surgery and have to give a $6,000 bill they can’t pay to their parents, letters show up to the house referencing being trans and parents can open these and read them, and an insurance company or surgeon may need written proof from family members that you have been living under x name/gender for x amount of time to provide coverage or surgery. If you’re fine hiding the process from your parents and using your own insurance or paying out of pocket, then that’s an option. But the situation can get sticky if you pursue surgery and are still living at home or have lgbtq-phobic parents and need to hide any evidence of what the surgery is for. I understand coming out is a Huge Thing, but the unfortunate part about this sort of surgery is it can be impossible to go about it trying to conceal all your intentions. And from what I’ve been able to gather during my own process, it doesn’t appear to be possible to go through with this procedure and have it all covered by insurance without mentioning gender.

Again, I’m only speaking from the perspective of someone who lives in California and had my own set of experiences dealing with the hurdles of insurance and the process in general, so if anyone knows it’s different somewhere else or how you could do this in the closet to either family or to doctors, you’re welcome to add! I’m afraid I’ve never run into anyone who went through with surgery completely in the closet with everyone involved. The systems in place for this are based off an outdated binary “male or female” scales, which can make things uniquely difficult for non-binary people to obtain care.

You may find this article particularly helpful about receiving surgery specifically as a non-binary person.

TLDR; successfully acquiring top surgery while completely in the closet to your family or medical staff/insurance groups would be very difficult in most circumstances unless you go completely behind your family’s back and/or bring attention to your gender identity in a medical/legal setting.

#long post #trans health #non bianry #ftm #ftnb #top surgery #surgery mention

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