#bc they Cant Be Affected By Them
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apparently it's way easier to plan scenes and plotpoints for a fanfic if i draw them first, so here we are <3 featuring me rambling abt this scene under the cut!!
i was specifically thinking about Haym and Rikki's entire relationship?
especially very early on, right when Rikki is properly assigned as Neon J's apprentice and whatnot. this was meant to be the moment Rikki realizes they're not coping very well with leaving Ban behind in Beachside Archipelago, and how they're actually gravitating towards Haym because of how similar he feels to Ban - yknow. being the same model and all
cause Rikki has some serious issues with needing absolute control over every aspect of their life. and right now, they're stuck with a job they don't exactly care for, trying desperately to suck up to Neon J so he'll actually promote Rikki to a DECENT job designing security bots for Vinyl City, not BABYSITTING 1010
(which isn't even babysitting, moreso than being monitored 24/7 in a localized space where they can't be shady since Neon J doesnt. trust them. at all. for various valid reasons)
so witnessing Haym pull some stupid but well-meaning stunt to force Rikki show off how good they are at fixing and repairing shit makes Rikki go????
A LITTLE FERAL????
BECAUSE THEY UNCONSCIOUSLY PROJECT ALL THEIR UNRESOLVED FEELINGS ABOUT BAN ONTO HAYM
but they only realize this when their body shuts down and cannot act the way they would've wanted, seeing Haym entirely fucking wrecked being very similar to how they found Ban when they first met makes them spiral a little
Haym doesn't even KNOW he's not the original Yellow model, he has his suspicions but is overall kept in the dark. befriending Rikki is something he does entirely out of genuine curiosity, motherfucker has no clue he's in the middle of a 4 year long unresolved break-up between two losers who are constantly pining after each other both romantically and platonically
im thinkingggg Haym might be seeking out Rikki's presence mostly because he's noticed that they treat him slightly different than the others. not necessarily better, just different enough to get him curious. so the need to build an identity away from 1010 as a group/unit and his inherent curiosity just gets him into this mess
#no straight roads#no straight roads oc#nsr oc#nsr yellow#nsr haym#rikki nsr#ban nsr#purinsu art#this was meant to be my selfindulgent fanfic where the polycule is happy and shit#but its the most annoying slowburn ever bc 80% of the time is dedicated to just.#everyone sorting out their emotional baggage and learning to tell the difference between who they are#vs who they want to be vs what the world expects of them#haym and rikki probably have? the most confusing dynamic out of all#which is so fucking funny to me because aside from these really loaded moments?? theyre chilling most of the time#the total opposite to rin and rikki's dynamic. where they wont stop arguing and never see eye to eye#but are one of the healthiest dynamics in this mess. cause they get each other on a level that they CANT understand#anyway its pretty hard to portray a genius engineer when youve never. touched a wrench in your life#ALL I DID WAS WOODWORK IN SHOP CLASS LEAVE ME OLONE#anyway rikki's workplace is not osha compliant bc they dont care abt electrical hazards#bc they Cant Be Affected By Them
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Do you ever do requests? If so, do you ever plan on drawing some Yandere with the Hantengu clones? :D hope you have a good day/night!!!
Mentioning an unfamiliar name
yes!! I love yanderes.. and these guys.. these guys are such good material...... nods nods..
I'm not sure about requests..I assume you mean drawing requests? I suppose if it REALLY catches my interest enough, I'd do it, but it'd probably just be line art/sketches.
#null rot#yandere kny#yandere demon slayer#kny#kimetsu no yaiba#demon slayer#hantengu#hantengu clones#sekido#karaku#urogi#aizetsu#midori306#YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE YANDERE QUESTION MY BELOVED CULT MEMBER#uwaa and i recently checked back on their designs.. THEY HAVE LONG SLANTED EARS DUDE WHAT THE FUCKKK THATS LIKE THE CUTEST EVER#i tend to shitpost and focus on the dere than the yan but thats my mistake!! im sorry cult members.. I'll need scarousal#when calling sekdio. he pretends to ignore you but you can tell he heard you when his ear twitches#He's flabbergasted that you met someone else to begin with. who let you go out without one of them?!#hes too shocked and angry to even properly get upset!!#Karaku loves everything you have to say. less so if its positive abt someone else. still listens tho. listening carefully for details..#he doesnt mind others eyeing you. youre perfect in his eyes. who wouldnt? still.. thats not gonna fly well.#Urogi loves when you seek him out but mentioning someone else... is bc you want to feed him right? ofc! you want to benefit him!#its cause hes your favorite! yeah! youre so sweet!!! ofc he'll get rid of someone for you both!!#Aizetsu's bashful. he feels put on the spot when calling him but hes always hoping you give him affection of some kind. always ready for yo#mentioning someone else was NOT what he wanted and now hes sad.. youre making him sad.. whats so important you had to bring that up?#The thought of anyone else makes him feel so exhausted already.. wont you comfort him instead? he needs you now.. atone for your mistakes#uwaa expressions.. uwaaa aizetsu releasing some of the tension in his brows when hes feeling upset towards you uWAA#i CANT RAMBLE ENOUGH IN THE TAGS SO WAIT FOR THE POST I HAVE IN THE BACK BURNER FROM SOMEONE ELSE WHO ASKED FOR SOMETHING SIMILAR!!!!!!!
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this got longer than i meant it to so im putting it under the cut
merlin and morgana watching arthur and gwen be The Couple in camelot. they are heartbroken, jealous, and tired- no, exhausted. they've arthur and gwen for years and fell madly and hopelessly in love with them (respectively). however, they care for the both of them and if they’re happy together then merlin and morgana will simply bite their tongue. besides, its not like their feelings are reciprocated so there’s no use in stirring up trouble.
but the pain eats away at them until they are shadows of their previous selves. merlin is quiet and demure while morgana’s lighthearted snark is growing harsher and harsher. it comes to a head when morgana makes a scathing remark to merlin about his feelings. before, her comments had been directed at others, arthur more often than not, but never toward merlin. they were in the same boat so why would morgana target him?
but she did and things get a little tense. then merlin finds a spell and shows morgana and the two of them, utterly exhausted and desperate for an end to their agony, agree to take part in the spell together. merlin concocts the potion and they both down it. the next day, merlin and morgana are as happy as can be. it was a startling 180° from the morose and downtrodden duo they had been not even twelve hours before to the happy, on cloud nine, nothing is wrong with the world people that hummed as they danced around the castle
merlin and morgana exclaim to one another how freeing it is to not feel such a heavy burden of unrequited love. they mention how easy it is to breath. how they haven’t been this happy and carefree in years. of course, like everything else, there comes a price
to be rid of feelings like love, the opposite feeling would take it’s place. a lot of people believe the opposite of love to be hate, but it is in fact indifference. it starts off slow where gwen makes inside jokes that morgana cant remember. then it moves to them having trouble remembering arthur and gwen’s names. then their memories begin to rewrite themselves to remove arthur and gwen from their minds. eventually, they roam the halls, arm in arm, without even a glance at either arthur or gwen bc they cant find it in themselves to care about these two random strangers. who would?
arthur and gwen go to gaius who has already noted their odd behaviors and has been looking into it. the rest of the knights join them in gaius’s chambers bc they had also noticed how weird they were acting. lancelot is quiet and brooding until arthur pushes him to confess what he knows.
lancelot tells them how he fell for gwen the first time he had come to camelot. she flushes and arthur seems upset but lancelot continues. he tells them all how despite, or maybe because of, his love for gwen, he let her go to be with arthur bc she was happy with him. he hesitates and gwen encourages him. lancelot mentally apologizes to his two magical friends and spills the beans. he explains how morgana has loved gwen for years and how merlin has loved arthur for years. the three of them had bonded after arthur and gwen were engaged about how much it hurt watching the person you love be happy with someone else.
slowly, he pulls out a vial filled with glittering, dark red liquid - dark like blood. he hands it to gaius and explains how they had come to him a few days ago with that and said how it would cure his pain. it would wash away his love for gwen so he wasn’t crushed under the weight of it. he says he never took it bc he didn’t think it was right but merlin and morgana had already taken it. he wasn’t sure what the side effects were going to be until he saw them that afternoon.
gaius finds what the potion is and explains how it did in fact wash away their feelings of love for arthur and gwen and with the absence of love, indifference took hold. he wasn’t sure if their missing memories could be attributed to the indifference or if the spell took to wiping the memories to prevent the love from regrowing.
arthur and gwen are quiet, guilty and upset that their closest friends were going thru such turmoil and they weren’t aware at all. leon clears his throat and asks how to cure them. gaius grimaces and read the book a bit more before responding that a counter potion would do the trick, it would neutralize the previous potion by bringing back their memories and feelings. arthur is quick to agree but gaius interrupts that once the counter potion has been administered, everything will come back at once. everything.
they question him and he explains that every memory, every word spoken, every touch, and every feeling from the past 7+ years will run through them at the same time. considering they’ve been dealing with unreciprocated love and watching the one they love be with someone else for the past couple of years, it wouldn’t be that farfetched to assume that they would look and sound like dying animals. suffice to say, it wouldn’t be pretty.
in spite of the guilt and fear in arthur, he insists that they have to bring merlin and morgana back. he doesn’t want to put them in pain but he cant just let them wipe themselves away and continue on with his life as if he didn’t just lose his best friend and sister. they spike merlin and morgana’s wine with the potion and, as gaius predicted, merlin and morgana both drop to the floor, screaming and crying in pain, pleading with anyone to make it stop and take the pain away.
gwen hides her tears in elyan’s shoulder, arthur uses his long taught skill of being an Emotionless Prick of a Prince his father taught him to not cry. the tears stay in his eyes and do not fall. a few minutes later, merlin and morgana are both catatonic on the ground, limp and staring at nothing. their breathing is slow, so slow they almost appeared dead.
lancelot and gwaine help merlin up and take him to his chambers while leon and percival do the same for morgana. no one mentions what happened and merlin and morgana stay locked in their rooms for two days before being able to get up out of bed. they aren’t back to their shadow selves from two weeks prior, nor are they the happy go lucky duo from the past few days. instead, they are slow and quiet and barely even there. they’re barely even people anymore. simply going through the motions.
#bbc merlin#angst#so much angst#unrequited love#merthur#morgwen#gwencelot#arwen#despite the fact that they made the potions to bring merlin and morgana back#they still lost them in the end#perhaps there is a happy ending in sight#but im not putting it here bc this is for the ANGST#magic spells and potions#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#morgana pendragon#gwen guinevere#lancelot du lac#arthur and gwen’s relationship being so tense and unsure now#before theyw ere as happy as could be and completely unashamed about showing off their love#now that they know their best friends - two of the most important people in the world to them#are in pain simply because of their affections for each other…..they cant bring themselves to do it#fanfiction#fanfic#fic ideas#headcanon#head canon#hc
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taco and mephone have fascinating parallels more people could explore if taco haters weren't biased cowards
#meeple.txt#inanimate insanity#ii taco#ii mephone4#dare i maintag this. watever#like taco haters r obsessed with the idea that taco is ruining herself worse and dragging everyone down with her#when shes literally just doing the challenge mephone created and even changes her intentions on hosting the challenge partway through#bc shes REALIZING how badly everyones been affected by the show just as she was#and she uses the attention she now has and urges them to leave and escape because she doesnt want anyone to end up like her#she believes shes past saving Yes#but thats exactly why shes trying to help the others avoid getting to the extent shes gone#meanwhile even when getting his wrongdoings slapped in his face mephone doubles down bc thats all he knows#thats all he feels safe with. he cant let himself trust and be vulnerable and its ruining his life and all his relationships along with him#it says SO MUCH about both mephones and tacos arcs that MEPAD. the one whos been inseparable to mephone from the Start#is seeing more hope of improvement in TACO than mephone#taco the infamous villain to everyone since s1. since before mepad was ever conscious#if anything mephone is the one ruining himself in denial and hurting others in the process#and im not saying that to vilify mephone either !!!! before you 0 nuance bitches come in#if it wasnt obvious from my entire page i LOVE mephone and i LOVE where theyre taking his character. make that man Worse ❤️#but i feel like so many ppl are just projecting mephones arc onto taco bc they dont wanna admit mephone has Issues
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Nytis, my loser demon cleric, about to lose it.
#my characters#guy hates people and wants to inflict pain on them and is super sadistic#so he becomes a cleric so that he can put up a front and appear to be helpful but really hes a stingy and cold bastard#who happens to heal as he claims - on a whim ! - you cant ORDER him to heal and he wont do it on command#but he has morals and will in fact heal certain types of people (children) without second thought#however since he is a demon and has no actual holy alignment the healing magic affects his body#and is starting to decay his left hand so he usually wears a glove#he also has a really cool lesbian demon he made a pact with who hates him#nytis hobbies include harming people and killing people and lifting curses off of children bc they dont deserve that#he also usually wears white robes with golden yellow lining and crosses on it
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does anyone else have like... a weird sort of "partial amnesia" where you know about something, you're fully aware that there's some memory there, but you can't actually think about it or feel anything related to it? like a perpetual "wait why did i walk into this room" feeling, but with stuff other people in the system can remember?
#parable speaks#like. how collins cant remember any collective stuff that he hasnt experienced or been told about. except like this#he knows theres Something there. but its always just Kind Of out of reach#this is also how ''withheld'' memories usually feel#like. if someone specific isnt supposed to remember smth/smth is being hidden from the system temporarily#theyll be Sort Of aware of it. but not fully and it cant affect them emotionally. bc they cant actually think about it#its just a feeling of ''??? i know theres something there but i cant remember it''#does this make Any sense at all? idk#might rephrase this later. if it doesnt
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maybe the real voltron was the friends we made along the way
#so i finished. feels like they did not put a lot of thought into shiro or hunk's epilogue lmfao#overall i dont think it was Bad. it could have been better yknow. but again. it feels like they just needed a little extra time to breathe#in development. it's just bones.#i do think perhaps some of the criticisms i have seen of it are just from people pissing on the poor#i could fix her!!! ough i really do want to rewrite this sdnfksjfd but that would unfortunately require. having to watch this again#and i cant do that in 24 hours#im so sad this is disappearing. this is the only show for which i ever stayed up for the midnight PST release#back when only season 1 and maybe 2? were out i used to watch them constantly. sometimes in spanish to practice#like i wouldnt have ever finished without the threat of it leaving but this is the worst timing to reawaken my affection for it lmao#grateful for it. wish i hadnt waited so long#i did need time to forget the insanity tho bc if i had made myself keep going and finish at the time#it would have poisoned the ending i think. nice to finally watch those last 4-5 episodes with a fresh perspective#but at the same time this is How Many Years ive missed out on being able to talk about it lmao#maybe there is a renaissance. idk i havent looked into it too much but i guess i should now huh#we'll see if things are any different or if it's just the same shit i got tired of the first time around#but anyway. the show is still fun and i enjoyed it for the most part. very sad to see it go#mine#voltron
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heehee (pepstavo under the cut)
#arts#mine#saucy#pepstavo#easing everyone in w the cute shit first#can u believe i forgot about this???? CAN U BELIEVE IT ???#this is like one of the first things i drew back in like April i think#i still love it tho#recently i have been drawing them doing some heehee shit instead of the cutesy shit so i need this to stay humble#remember my roots…#anyway if ur still reading this hooray u get bonus stuff like usual w my tags#giving him a huge praise kink. he is doing SUCH a good job he is doing the best job EVER#this would be a bit further in their relationship (pending™️) where the intimacy walls are slowly being worn down#so hes seeking out touch and affection and all that goodness instead of reflexively flinching away#and gus SEES this so hes trying so hard to encourage him like BLEASE….i did not dick around for months for this to NOT pay off#he is a patient man but theres only so much patience one Can have#and that patience IS rewarded#its funny bc i write gus as like. a top. a general Dom bc he is both patient and assertive#and hes met someone he GENUINELY w his WHOLE chest wants to bottom for and he cant do it bc this bigass dude is a lil princess™️#and so for now he is being the big boy but hes like counting down in his head when theyre able to get to a space comfy enough for him#where he gets to get his back blown out (its soon)#i hope that doesnt make it seem like hes only being nice to get dicked down bc he is actually always this nice#and full of love bursting at the seams#which results in endless praise and pdas and being a bit more playful than usual (bc he is a silly lil joyous gnome; its built in his dna)#so peppino will simply have this forever :)#okay mwah#i will slowly upload my stuffs since twitter is exploding and anyone who isnt niceys about this will be obliterated#like for reals
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🦊: Everyone goes through difficult times, hearing the words “I love you” during those times became a really big strength for me and I heard these words “I love you” from Hannie hyung. That became a big source of strength for me and that’s why from now on I won’t hold back expressing “I love you” to you so Stay, I really really love you very much. (Cr)
My heart, my jeongsung 😭💘💘
#I WAS WATCHIN LIVE AND BEING LIKE HAHA WOULDN'T IT BE CUTE IF JEONGIN MENTIONED HAN BC IM ALWAYS THINKIN OF THEM AND THEN HE *DID*#i tell you I DIED#Jeongin saying his hannie hyung's ilys gave him strength is officially now my roman empire!#i cant believe this is real#i never doubted Jeongin i know he adores hannie back but to hear him say how much han's affection meant to him!!!#someone just SHOOT ME#😭😭😭😭😭 THEMMMMMM#i love u two so much plz always be there for each other#han jisung#yang jeongin#han#i.n#stray kids#skz#skz 4th fanmeeting#video#jeongsung#240331
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much ado about pleasure
#bonk.png#undescribed#i was a teenage exocolonist#iwatec#iwatex#exocolonist#iwatex spoilers#iwatec spoilers#<- very vaguely in the art#hi i havent drawn stuff for exocolonist in a year n played it in two but been thinking about sol again v-v#lyrics from n obviously a redraw of real end of hatsune miku#sym was a fucking nightmare to drawn bc of how simplistic my style is while tammy was a lot easier bc she has more traits i draw normally#fun detail is that i basically drew sym n tammy's mouth n eyes the same way of like erasing a bit to make them look fuller/softer#anyway thoughts drew this bc whenever i personally think n play around with sol its almost exclusively when theyve been in the loop for so#long that they fundamentally cant separate themself from it or their other lives but the suffering caused by it has looped around#so theyre basically a normal functioning person outside of stuff directly related to the loop n a few things#n then like. they gotta be fucking weird about tammy n sym right? like sym for more obviously reasons cosmically linked whatever#but commonalities are 1. the only characters you cant lose affection with/2. always love sol no matter what#3. generally very positive sweethearts n 4. You Have To Watch Them Die At Least Once#so i think sol would be fucking weird about both of them like hating urself bc u unintentionally caused the deaths of everyone you care abou#t? dw! these two pink bitches (i know sym is purple) love you no matter what!!#very intentional that tammy is her child design her but sol's their teen design just bc thats my fav look of theirs#one last thing its more visible here but the way i draw sol's eyes is that their irises go over their lower lid i do this bc it looks weird
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I will never understand how people will agknowledge just how jk rowling is as a human being, and still like Harry potter. You can't fucking "separate the art from the artist" when the 'art' is filled with antisemitism, racism transphobia and more! You can't even think about doing that when the 'artist' herself is a fucking HOLOCAUST DENIER.
(Also it's even more pathetic considering jk rowling is actually a shit writer. Like let's be honest, everything people love about Harry potter is from the movies. Every bit of personality Harry had was from his actors portrayal of him)
These people don't care that they're clinging onto the mediocre work of a holocaust denier that wishes death to trans people because they're too wrapped up in nostalgia or whatever. It's pathetic and honestly disgusting.
And it speaks volumes how pretty much all the people I see behaving this was are white
#kind reminder to hp fans! get the fuck off my blog! idc if you hate jkr you're still contributing to the problem!#Also it sure is interesting how jk rowling wasn't publicly acknowledged for her shit until the transphobia#another great example of white people not caring until it affects them 💀#anyway this is rlly random#but its bc i saw someone who was gay and also claimed to be a trans ally but consistently posted abt hp#like mf you cant be both.#fuck jkr#fuck harry potter#anti jkr#anti hp#this goes for thr mauraders fandom or whatever too. like have fun with your gay ships but at least admit you dont care about trans ppl#like youre still actively putting a terfs work on a pedestal and you know it. you just ignore it because you dont fucking care#i genuinely hate ppl like that like if ur gonna be a horrible person at least stip pretending youre not#moth.txt
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I don't think I can ever emotionally recover from these
#the inherent romance of monaco parc ferme#seriously these murdered me i really can never recover from them#screaming crying THEM!!!!!!!! THEM!!!! THEMMMMM LOOK AT THEM!!!!!#jense's hand basically covering the breadth of seb's back im normal im normal im normal im normal im normal#the gif version of this you can only see seb's face and hes very fond too sob sob and they keep holding hands while theyre talking sob sob#THE WAY SEB'S CLOSING HIS EYES ANF RESTING HIS CHIN ON JENSE'S SHOULDER AND JENSE'S SMILE ABT IT#JENSE'S FOND EXPRESSION IN THE 2ND PIC LOOK AT THE WAY HES LOOKING AT HIM WITH THOSE FOND EYES IM GONNA CRY#pictures that make me need to get up and run laps around the room bcs im seriously gonna burst into tears#2011 sebson makes me roll around in bed kicking my feet and screaming#WHO IS DOING IT LIKE THEM!!! WHO ELSE WOULD TREAT AND LOOK AT THE GUY WHO JUST BEAT HIM WITH SUCH AFFECTION!?!??!?!??!#i seriously am gonna lose it when i watch the 2011 races i think i willl actually combust i cant handle it#('pictures that automatically make me think of Solar Flare')#(these are from before that fic takes place yet are the most romantic pics ive ever seen in my life)#(solar flare!mark was so right when he told jb that he and seb look in love in literally every pic of them together)#sebson#jenson button#sebastian vettel#sv5#jb22#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula 1#formula one#2011 monaco gp#2011 monaco grand prix
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He takes a step towards Chuuya, who notices the determined look in his eyes and smirks, taking his own step back. With every move Kunikida makes to close the gap between them, Chuuya twirls out of it, dodging him. It delves into a game of cat-and-mouse, Chuuya's smug look only growing larger every time Kunikida fails to catch him. Chuuya stops moving right when his heel hits the end of the roof, and Kunikida's heart drops for a split second despite knowing that Chuuya will be fine. It must show on his face, for Chuuya takes another teasing step back, one foot dangling off the edge. "Won't you catch me, Doppo?" he whispers. His words are carried away into the silence of the night. Like this, Chuuya looks magnificent. The moonlight casts a mysterious shadow over him and a gust of wind rushes by, making his cape billow outwards. Kunikida wonders whether Chuuya will take that final step if he reaches out. There's no reason to. Chuuya can save himself. So it's not a question of whether Kunikida will stop him or not, it's a question of whether Kunikida will follow—if he is willing to throw his life on the line, just to make sure Chuuya doesn't go alone. Well, Kunikida knows his answer.
they should get weirder about it i think
#theyre on a tall ass building btw. chuuya likes toying the line a little to see how kunikida will react#it's bc he cant ask for affection like a normal person okay#bsd#kunichuu#my writing#ugh. i love them
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the thing that gets me abt religious ppl is they'll demand u respect their religion & that religion hating your existence but they won't respect ur right to be like yea my belief says god isn't real so thats a dumb reason for hating other people or ye ok then ur god is homophobic thats kinda shitty they go APESHIT like. it goes both ways? like they can say i hate gay ppl bc of my religion but when a gay person says well i dont respect that religion bc it doesnt respect me its ww3. I'm not walking on eggshells for people who are too quick to condemn me to hell
#likeeee. ppl have been homophobic to me bc 'their religion condemns it' but i cant be like ok well then fuck ur religion?#but they can say okay fuck you and be hateful and intolerant like that?#why do i tolerate u if u wont tolerate me? im just#like to me as an atheist/agnostic im like. hearing that something i dont even think is real is why u hate me as a person is so insane#like 'its unnatural and wrong bc my religion says so' like ok. why does that have to affect me as someone who doesnt follow said religion#jusr wish more religious ppl were as understanding and non judgemental as they claim they are??#like ur gna say that shit to me? u think god likes that ur speaking for him rn? u rly see urself on the same level as god?#u think YOU can judge others? embarrassing#*smacks own ass* this baby can fit so much religious trauma#i love religion sm for some ppl but then other aspects of it im like why cant yall just modify this as society progresses#them books old as hell them writers didn't even know electricity but ur talking their word abt an entire group of ppl being wrong & evil?#i like when religious ppl apply the teachings to modern society & take into account how shit has changed#when ppl take the good parts of religion and focus on them and bring that religious warmth w them where they go is so nice#(my friends<333)#like they live by them teachings and are good ppl but dc abt divorce or abortion or gays bc society has changed & ppl ultimately deserve#control of their own bodies and shouldnt have to be trapped in bad partnerships#& girls who love other women and dont agree w the typical 'woman serve men' that a lot of religious old folk got goin on#if u can modify some stuff in the religious books whats stopping u extending that grace to literal people just being who they are
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
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