#bc there is a particular dream we had genuinely YEARS ago

[nexus-nebulae]

so like. i know most of the time with wishmaking the Rules are if you tell anyone your wish it won't get granted. but like. how does that work within a sys. if your headmate reads your memories after you make a wish does that void the warranty

[lycanthian]

explosion.gif

[rose-and-lemongrass]

Okay I'm trying to be chill about the fact my computers busted and I can't edit sooo here's my favorite horror films I watched in 2023!! So far, at least, I'll update if I find some more great ones in the next month. These are in no particular order.

Talk To Me (2023) LOVED IT. I was genuinely really really stressed while watching it. Honestly give me a character I like and put them through the ringer and I will be invested. I REALLY wanted Riley to make it. I know some people don't like the end but I did. It's a very existential and depressing ending but I thought it was fitting.

Sissy (2022) This is a super super underrated movie. Barely any discussion of it all online. I thought it was incredible; it perfectly nailed what it feels like to be in a social situation you know you don't belong in. I felt called out several times. Cecilia is a really fascinating character too, and I loved the social media aspect.

Creep 2 (2017) I couldn't believe how into this movie I was. It's basically just two really weird characters manipulating each other (with one being way way way more successful than the other) and it's so wild to watch. I liked the first Creep but the relationship here was so fascinating. I almost feel like this movie would have been better as a standalone bc we as the audience know that Aaron is a serial killer. It would be fascinating to be like Sara and not know for sure. Either way though, I loved it, I hope they make a third one.

Terrifier 2 (2022) Dude I LOVED this movie!! Controversial opinion maybe but I thought it was fantastic. Sienna is such an amazing character, Art the Clown was on his A game. I weirdly resonated with the family stuff (i got emotional at points) The special effects were great. I know it has a reputation. And it has earned that reputation. I have found no one I can comfortably show this movie to that I trust isn't going to be horribly traumatized. Which sucks bc when I saw this in theaters I got like. Sexually harassed. And I dont want it to happen when I see the third one. I wish I had a buddy I could take. But regardless every time I watch it I have a blast, and I really wanna make a video discussing this series soon bc I have so many thoughts!!

Halloween (1978) Yeah everyone was right this movie is awesome. I'm totally going to add it to my halloween watchlist every year.

Candyman (1993) Yeah again it's really really good, everyone was right lol. Really dragging my feet on the remake bc honestly this movie is basically perfect.

Cube (1997) I always thought I'd like Cube. And I did. It's really weird and psychological and cool. I watched it like 11 months ago so I don't feel like I have a lot to say right now, but I just remember how much I was invested while watching it and how much I gushed about it after I finished.

Deadstream (2022) Honestly this was most fun I had with a movie all year. I was dying laughing the entire time. I've watched it three times and I sent the opening scene to everyone I know. It's just a very funny and very spot on parody of YouTubers and I love it

Fresh (2022) I don't love the abrupt ending but the rest is basically perfect. The levels of performance during the dinner scene OH MY GOD. And it's a really fun and disturbing exploration of how terrible dating is and I appreciate that a lot.

Hereditary (2015) This movie hurt the entire time and I loved it. Toni Collette's performance is the best I have ever seen, I am actually furious she wasn't nominated. Her screams man, they are haunting. Also really realistic dream dialogue I pegged right away it was a dream bc that's exactly how people talk in my dreams. This is a movie with a lot of layers and something about it resonated with me, especially after the terrible terrible year I had.

Midsommar (2019) I vibed with this one hardcore. I think its just weirdly cathartic to see someone in a bad social situation get accepted while the person who put them in that situation gets rejected. Again because of the terrible year I had. But also its bad that that happens! Like its creepy how easy it is to be taken in by a cult. I also didn't feel the length at all I was very very invested the whole time. My friend Emily absolutely hates this movie though lol

Trick R Treat (2007): I didn't find it scary at all. But I vibed with it. It just FELT like Halloween, and some of the stories really really worked for me. Particularly the werewolf one and the one with the zombie kids.

VHS (2012): This is entirely because of the Amateur Night and 10/31/98 segments. I love those segments to death, I've watched them over and over. I still haven't watched Siren (the full length Amateur Night adaption) but I am so psyched they kept the same actress. She was an absolute star I'm planning on watching it entirely for her.

It Follows (2014) I know I can't keep saying I vibed with these movies but I did. I love the dreamlike quality, the ambiguity, the idea behind the monster is actually one of the most terrifying things I can imagine. Even if you get rid of it there's a chance it'll come back to you so you're never safe. Certain sequences were really really cool. Also one of the best jumpscares of all time in this. Like I don't even like jumpscares, they never get me, but this one did! Also I adore the opening sequence and how it's complete nonsense until you rewatch it and realize what's happening.

Infinity Pool (2023) I went in completely 100% blind. It was a wild ride that's for sure. I said "oh fuck me" full volume at one point if that tells you anything. Honestly I have nothing to say about the plot but the feelings this movie evoked in me were intense. Really good movie for someone who secretly hates themselves and is scared that everyone around them does too, I guess, because it captures that feeling perfectly.

[substantialfreak]

One year ago, two years ago, three years ago, four years ago (some sad sewer shit imminent)

One year ago... it doesn't seem like much has changed, but it has. All for the better, but my criticisms seem to want to diminish them all, or choose to focus on what was not accomplished. As per usual. I have a less physically demanding job that is a lot more gratifying. It is also one that feels less embarrassing to have at my age given I have no degree. I play dnd with some rad friends I didn't have last year. I have some really enjoyable hobbies and one in particular has finally given me an outlet for a lot of my other creative endeavors that I thought I would never get to put out into the world. And I am finally ready to breed. I think I even met someone who I might be able to make a family with instead of just being a donor. So fingers crossed for that one lol There are things I would love to make better for myself, through my own efforts and not bc someone saw fit to give me charity. Which I am always grateful for when it happens. But I feel like I have been surviving on the charity of others, and generally outside benevolent forces, for a very long time, and not bc I chose to live that way. I'd like to feel like I'm actually steering instead of just weathering and trying to make sure my little vessel doesn't capsize.

Two years ago... I lived in another state but was on the same coast as I am now, I had a partner but I was slowly becoming quite unhappy, as was he. We honestly shouldn't have stayed together as long as we did, but I was still decompressing and trying to find my footing. He was no angel, but was not a monster to me. Just living under the immense weight of his own life and grief over the loss of his sister. I think he had just polished off the last of the 200 case box of whip it canisters he had purchased over the winter, and the p***y seeds he Johnny Appleseed'ed into the garden were starting to sprout. Yeah... he was no angel, but he still managed to not go back to using despite the questionable purchases, and the subsequent o***m and sunflower garden we grew. It would be nice to stop dreaming about him, though. And picking up on his grief like a radio station that usually comes in as static, but will, on occasion, come in clear as day. Especially since we never talk. I'll always cherish the chunk of time we spent as two people just happy to be me making happy memories with someone again. I think we both needed that.

Three years ago... I find myself not wanting to even type out what it was like. All I hear is static when I think about it bc I don't want to think about it and I'm trying to write over it as if it never existed or ever happened. Granted my life at this point three years ago was already drastically improving, and for reasons not even remotely related to covid, it was still as awful as it could get. A month from this point I would finally have my unemployment money coming in from my previous genuinely evil employer, and a month after that I would be living in a tent, and a month after that I would be driving cross country and sleeping in my car, and a month after that I would be living with my now most recent ex bf and enjoying life by the beach for the next year. But this time three years ago I was just trying to stay alive long enough to get away. Once I moved in with my ex, it took six months before I stopped feeling phantom bug crawling on my skin. And I guess I just don't like thinking about it bc all I do is want to make wishes to change things that will never change, bc they already happened and are long behind me. So I just try to remember that I'm not there anymore, that I don't have to live like that anymore.

And finally...

Four years ago... "this isn't your average every day darkness. This is advanced darkness." I was a frightened animal back into a corner, and was experiencing a near constant feeling of fight or flight. A month from this point four years ago I button mashed flight bc I couldn't handle it anymore. But I actually like being alive, so... I lived. But I still know what it feels like to anticipate the sweet embrace of death bc finally... something was going to change and I wouldn't have to live like that anymore. Such a strange experience forgetting what happiness was, and then feeling it again in that moment of all moments. But there it was. The next year I spent my time going to therapy and telling myself and anyone else I talked to that I was going to buy a van and live in Mexico during the winter months, and work the summer months in the US. I was so done with my life the way it was, my awful employer, and my then emotionally and mentally abusive partner, that it didn't matter that I knew I wouldn't get enough money from my tax return to pay for a van so I could make my plan happen. It didn't matter bc no matter what did happen, I was leaving, and was willing to be homeless just so I could. And in a way I did end up having to do that. But I still got out. I still left it behind. It and 25 years of pain and sorrow peppered with some good times and good laughs. But mostly sadness and bitter regret.

I got laid off (20), then I got fired before getting laid off (20), then won my appeal hearing and got to hear the adjudicator verbally read my old manager to absolute filth in a moment of pure vengeful glory (20), then left the awful apartment (20), and the awful ex that was already my ex but was forced to continue to live with bc we were poor and it was southern California (20), then I lived in a tent on my mom's property in the mountains (20), then I drove cross country to the east coast (20), then I lived with a kinky man for a year and decompressed and shakily got back on my feet (20/21), then moved again sad from breaking up but glad to be totally on my own (21), to my grandmother passing away (21), to getting a job that is the least embarrassing to have as someone without a degree (21), to finally providing myself with my own stability, enough that I'm able to enjoy hobbies without feeling guilty (22), and finally being ready to enjoy one of my biggest kinks/fetishes (22).

Idk if that run on sentence is done being written yet. The rest of this shit better just be a nice fucking ride, though. I've done enough. I've experienced enough. It's shaped me enough. THAT'S ENOUGH SLICES. We will now resume the predominantly breeding and pregnancy talk.

[ganseybois]

Are you ready to be sad? Prompt: It's Tommy and alfies wedding day and at the reception, Alfie makes a speech for Polly that makes Tommy cry. Later they visit the sight where she was cremated and Tommy puts flowers down while silently thanking Polly because she supported Tommy and alfies relationship. So sorry to make you cry T0T

here you go! hope you enjoy! (i just changed one part bc tommy crying in front of people is hard to imagine but kept it as close as possible!)

Tommy sighed as he put flowers under the tree where they had spread Polly's cremated ashes. Alfie stayed a few steps behind, watching him, allowing Tommy to have his moment.

He got down on both knees and pressed his fingers against the dirt, hoping, somehow, that if he dug his fingernails in enough that it would allow him to somehow make true contact with her.

"Pol," he said softly, low enough that Alfie could not hear him. "We miss you. I miss you." There was nothing more to say, nothing more that Polly did not already know. She watched him, she visited him in his dreams. She was everywhere. But still, he silently thanked her for her support when she had been alive. Especially, when it had come to his relationship with Alife.

Years ago, when Tommy and Alfie had married, Alfie had done what grooms did and got up to make a toast. He spoke, about how much he loved Tommy, about how ridiculous the family he was marrying into was, how he was excited to start his life with Tommy into eternity. But it was when Alfie turned his attention to Polly, that the room paid particular attention, including Tommy.

"Right," Alfie grunted, "I think it would be stupid of me, yeah, to not acknowledge you Polly. If we hadn't had your help in the beginning, none of this would have been possible." he grabbed Tommy's hand and held it tightly. "You were Tommy's guide, and because of that it allowed us to be here today, together."

Tommy's gaze flittered over to Polly, who had that gentle smile she sometimes wore when she was genuinely touched. She had tears in her eyes that Tommy knew she would not let fall--the same way he felt emotions rising in him that he would not truly show until he was alone with Alfie, or with Polly.

But Alfie was not yet done, "Tommy may lead the Peaky Blinders," Alfie winked at her, "but you lead Tommy. You helped him in ways I will never understand, but that I will always appreciate. So thank you Polly." he raised his glass.

Polly held her tears in and raised her glass, her eyes locking with Tommy--an exchange of love between them without saying a word.

Tommy smiled at the memory as he got up, tilting his head up toward the sky. "Thank you Pol."

He gave a small chuckle as a gentle wind them came to caress him, before turning around and making his way back to Alfie, who was, and always would be, waiting for him.

[wooahaes]

Ahh we all have that one professor who makes u go ??? The fuck ??? At least 5 times in 20 mins lol I get you

Also the nct thing was purely by accident lol aksnsksms I initially listened to boom by nct dream, thought I’d listen to a couple more songs, fell down the rabbit hole and now I actively Stan 20+ men 💀 yeah I did that to myself lol but fr nct has some weird shit but a LOT of bops like if you like slow ballad type of stuff I recommend from home and my everything but nct u or if u like smth cute Touch by NCT 127 is p well liked by most people I introduce that song to! And most of nct dreams older songs are p cute too! I feel like you’ve made a grave mistake letting me talk ab NCT because I could go on FOREVER aksnsksms also I totally get the mark + Haechan duo lol I have a particular fondness for mark because we share the same birthday lol plus he’s so cute I just wanna fucking SQUISH

I would LOVE to hear you talk about Shinee!! All of their music fuckin SLAPS I’ve been obsessed with Body Rhythm every since it came out and like I got into the fandom p late so I don’t know much but I think taemin is fucking hilarious like he is very much my pathetic lil meow meow

-Baby Teume

literally i love her but the way she runs her classes... headache inducing. im probably going to scrape past with a C unless she decides to drop our lowest grade (highly unlikely but very welcome)

... my confession is that i actually enjoy sticker lmao like ik its not great ig? but i can still vibe with it

i have made NO mistake asking u to talk abt nct!!! pls talk to me about nct whenever u feel like it lmao i love hearing abt other ppls groups and the stuff they get passionate about!! literally i love when ppl give me song recs even if i dont end up getting into them bc its a lil 'hey i thought u might enjoy this' and i think thats sweet <3

i learned that marks emojis are a tiger and a lion and im like omg... tiger... another tiger boy to add to my collection. AND lions too??? mark nct ill give u a kiss omg /j

omg... u will regret asking me abt shinee i love them SO much. im ignoring the fact taemin just showed up on my playlist (highly recommend all of the shinee members solo stuff!!! i can absolutely give recs for my fave from each member even tho minho has like two songs to him rn but theyre both good fdkhdshf)

i always say taemin is my bias (hes adorable AND funny like... king stop my expectations are too high-) but i think im truly ot5 because all of them are so important to me. they were the first kpop group i ever listened to forever ago (sherlock (clue + note) is a legend and i love her so much), and i think dropping off shortly after getting into them (which would have been around 2015 because it was the time view came out) and then picking them a little over a year ago was genuinely like... something that really helped me out of a shitty place + hurt because i had missed the news about jonghyun entirely. but even then, i think its made me appreciate him and everything he's done so, so much. i won't get sappy but i truly love jonghyun so much and i'm glad he's no longer hurting. it'll always piss me off when people reduce him down to his death and nothing else because he was such a good person.

moving on from that before i get too emotional... i genuinely just love shinee a lot. i watched one of the shinee world concerts (IV i think?) earlier this year and its amazing how talented they were and still are. shinee truly helped pave the way and inspired so many idols and i adore them. its also fun to just watch them interact, tbh. i don't genuinely ship anyone because i find that weird, but minkey as a (platonic) pair are my faves lmao they always bicker like an old married couple but you can tell that they do love each other and are genuinely close friends.

and jinki!!! onew my beloved!!! i love him so much. he has such a warm presence and GOD his vocals... i die every time... coincidentally love phobia just came up on my playlist lmao but still!! highly recommend listening to DICE if u haven't!! the entire album itself is good but the title track is soo good <3 i always feel like i forget he's the leader of shinee because they're all so close-knit, it feels like they're all on completely equal footing even if jinki is the one leading them.

i didnt rly get into my love for taemin but genuinely i adore him. he's so, so talented both vocally and dance-wise, i love to see the difference between his stage persona (typically his solo persona lmao taemin and his slutty slutty music... <3) when he's really just this very sweet catholic man who apparently only really interacts with his group mates and a few others outside of that. he's so funny and i honestly admire every live he did where he spoke english and messed up and accepted his mistakes? like. learning a language is hard enough, especially one as fucking weird as english, but he just seems to eager to try speaking english and accepts his mistakes. i think he definitely has a very good support network both in the people helping him learn english (job-wise) and in having someone like key there to correct him (and maybe rib him a little bit--but it's all out of love). also i still think its really funny he broke into keys place to leave him a birthday cake and then proceeded to steal one of his jackets. stole my heart at the same time smh

i will stop here bc i still have two questions left on my final but !!! i will absolutely give u shinee recs if you want!! shinee has SUCH a good discography with only a few songs that are... not good at all lmao. but every group puts out some bad songs sometimes, especially when they've been around for a long time! nothing wrong w that! + i'll probs throw in recs from each member's solo career because i genuinely love a lot of their solo stuff as well <3

[ongreenergrasses]

tagged by both @lyricfulloflight and @mamsellefreeman i am FINALLY filling this out during surprise surprise a webinar. this got SUPER long so it’s under the cut

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 17, with 4 more pending upload

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 116019. when i hit 150k i’m going to have a mini celebration where people get to make fic requests (we’ll see if anyone bites) so watch this space 👀👀👀

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?  almost a thing that my heart could endure SWEEPS with 734 kudos! honestly i am going to use this opportunity to say thank you all, i never imagined that this fic would be as successful as it was, and i am so pleased and so touched that this fic has resonated so deeply with so many people. i am used to being a fandom and internet nobody so when i wrote this it was quite a shock! i do love you so. very pleased to see that my andromaquynh fic has place of pride here  Hearts on Fire this is the way i’ll love you we don’t know why, we just are i cannot tell you how overjoyed i am that my fic about Jewish!Andy and Jewish!Booker has made it into the top 5!!! 

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i always do!! it often takes me some time, i currently am working thru comments i got half a YEAR ago, but i genuinely love getting comments and my readers are so awesome, i have learned so much from them about so many things! i also try to note in the fic notes if there’s a particularly fruitful discussion in the comments and give credit where credit is due to those who correct me.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? i’m gonna do a bit of a cop out for this one, but it’s actually my wip (i saw it all in a dream), i only have 1 chapter up rn but i’m steadily working on the rest!

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? i think i do love you so. is my happiest, usually my stuff is pretty open ended and bittersweet

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written? i do not write crossovers

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? once sort of….? it was a super weird comment bc it had a critique that didn’t make sense for the fic, so i responded to them and was like hi i think you’re in the wrong place and never heard back kskdjdjdjd

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind? i have but it is SO awkward for me and takes me forever, so the smut i’ve written has been like short paragraphs inside a larger fic

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i know of

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? no but i’ve thought about translating my own fics before

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? no but i have a fic idea that i have yet to work on that i think would be amazing with 2 writers

13. What’s your all time favorite ship? who knows not me

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? i have a DEARLY beloved fic that i started in like. 2012….? 2013 maybe? it’ll never be finished

15. What are your writing strengths? i think i’m good at writing dynamics between characters and found family stuff. i also am realizing more and more that i actually really love writing historical fic and fiction

16. What are your writing weaknesses? man some days i feel like genuinely everything is a weakness. dialogue is hard for me, plot and structure are challenging, keeping my writing lyrical but interesting technically in particular is REALLY difficult for me

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? oh boy buckle up SO i actually have very strong feelings about this but there is one (1) time that i would use words in another language in a fic and it is ONLY if the other people in the scene don’t know and wouldn’t understand that word. if the other characters understand the language, i might indicate that the language they’re speaking in has changed if that will help the story, but otherwise i would not change languages. this is because it does not add anything (in my opinion) can be inaccessible to people, and can in some cases contribute to othering and discrimination.

when i say this last part i am SPECIFICALLY thinking of when people use words for g-d that are in different languages. i will speak from my own experience here, some Jewish people who are speaking English will say Adonai or Hashem in conversation, but often, people just say G-d. and if you’re speaking another language, you would say the word for G-d in that language, so when i am speaking Spanish, i would say D-os. if you go out of your way to put the word for G-d in another language and keep everything else the same, you are taking the idea of G-d and making it ‘Other’. additionally, i have only EVER seen this happen with characters who are Jewish or Muslim, and because white Christian anglos massively dominate fandom spheres, when i see this in fic it makes me really uncomfortable. (also ok even if u are not Christian the vast majority of people in fandom have been socialized where Christianity and Christian ideas about G-d are the norm.) i have extremely strong feelings on this and u have now all been subjected to them whoops

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? doctor who!! i was 8 and i wrote a mini fic in a notebook my aunt gave me where i helped the doctor and rose solve a mystery. my parents still have the notebook

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? ok i’m gonna blame @aphroditestummyrolls for this one, i have an idea for a Nagron fic that i haven’t actually started yet but am SUPER excited about

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? i think it was mamselle who said this question is like picking a favorite child and i absolutely agree. it’s like picking my favorite tattoo i love them all, even the bad ones. my favorite RECENT fic however is hips, which i wrote for Nile week and am very pleased with.

i am tagging @aphroditestummyrolls (you were already invoked) @anosrepasi @lilolilyr @boulangerlee @rhubarbdreams @unintentionalgenius and any of my other magnificent fic writing friends who want to do this!

[ickle-ronniekins]

duet | see you soon then

DUET MASTERLIST

NOTE FOR ALL READERS: this is an installment of a series. the masterlist for a catch-up is linked above. this particular chapter is to fall between [im]mature and silky smooth. thanks!

desc: things had been a bit rocky when the twins told you they were leaving hogwarts before graduation. you’d been so hellbent and obsessed on spending time with george that you’d sort of neglected fred. emotions are running high, but the three of you fall into a comfortable routine and suddenly you’re bursting at the seams with happiness. but since it’s finally time for them to leave, you have absolutely no luck in trying to suppress your tears. they’re making their dreams come true, so why is it so damn hard to say goodbye right now?

a/n: yo! sorry its been a while. school has been kicking my ass and also I genuinely had no inspiration to write this chapter. it was actually supposed to look a little different which is what I think was evidently holding me back. but leeann’s the best and has been incredibly patient with me as I worked through my writer’s block and we bounced ideas off of one another. i..... am so sorry for this. full masterlist is linked above, loves.

word count: 3.4k

warning(s): just sadness bc boys are leaving :(

Things had been… tense, to say the least. Your arguments with both of your best mates had caused quite a bit of discomfort between you all. And not to mention that the Easter holidays were rapidly approaching, which only seemed to speed up the pounding in your chest.

You’d been making progress, though, coming around to the idea of finishing school without them. What an incredible opportunity this was for them, wasn’t it? While your feelings of dread and sadness were still very much prominent, you couldn’t help but be bursting at the seams with pride, too.

They were damn brilliant individuals and it was about time more people recognized that, right?

It still didn’t lessen the pain in your heart, though. It only seemed to elevate it. But you supposed, you’d only learn to grow from it.

The three of you had fallen into a somewhat comfortable routine. Spending lots of time with one another -- you’d also been very conscious about how much time you spent chasing after George. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself any further than you already had. Plus, you’d sadly forgotten how lovely it was to be with just Fred -- he was your absolute best mate, after all, and while yes, there had been times when the two of you had very angrily bumped heads, it only made your friendship that much stronger. You owed it to him. You owed it to yourself.

And you’d taken to spending more time with the Gryffindors too, when that ghastly toad look-a-like of a woman wasn’t around. What she didn’t know wouldn’t kill her. They were your friends, too, after all -- Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Neville -- the lot of them. And by the light of the common room fire reflecting in Fred’s eyes, and the very bright grin George had painted onto his face nearly every evening, you were pretty certain they were genuinely happy to have you there.

“What’s this one?”

“Ah -- an extension of our latest and greatest inventions, Y/N,” Fred beamed, examining his own creation as he twirled it in his fingers, “Wildfire Whizbangs.”

“You mean you’ve created something even bigger than those blasted fireworks you’d let loose in the courtyard a few weeks ago?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re about to set the bloody Great Hall on fire -- I’ve got exams coming up, you know.”

George laughed and pulled out yet another wildly vibrant colored whizbang from their trunk. “Can’t make any promises.”

You’d been spending so much time in their common room, in fact, that people had just ended up making you an honorary Gryffindor. You did miss yours, though -- the warmth hues of the yellow lining, the cozy armchairs near the fire with books next to it stacked so high they touched the ceiling, the tiny, potted plants on the windowsill. You were placed in Hufflepuff after all, so it was only normal that you’d miss the coziness of your own spot.

You couldn’t help it, though. You found yourself with your friends until the late hours of the evening, and sometimes you’d ever crash in the girls’ dormitory in Gryffindor tower because it was far too late to even attempt to sneak back down to your own common room, and the boys didn’t want you to risk getting into some type of trouble. Who’d have thought? The Kings of Mischief, worried about you getting into trouble. The irony was wonderfully funny.

You’d even found yourself working less and less on your assignments, just to spend time with them. It was, truthfully, the closest the three of you had been since you’d met. Absolutely nothing could squash your happiness.

Until you realized one evening when you were pulling on your silk pyjamas and thinking about how good things had been, that you had exactly one week left with them. One week. Seven days. Most of which would be spent studying for exams.

Some type of knot shot up into your throat and you found that your eyes had begun to water more so than normal. Sometimes, you couldn’t quite believe the effect this was having on you.

And so you swallowed down your feelings and forced yourself to sleep, hoping that the next day, you wouldn’t think about the limited time you had left with them before they fled school, but only about just how much you enjoyed your time with them.

-- -

“Please don’t cry. If you cry, I’ll cry, and I’m a bloody ugly crier.”

You knew that Fred was doing his best to make you laugh. He always had a particular knack for making you burst out into giggles at the most inappropriate of times. But even so, the mischievous glimmer in his eye and the lopsided grin on his face couldn’t make you laugh. Not this time.

You’d sort of distanced yourself this last week. Not purposefully, mind you, but because there was studying to be done. You had exams, didn’t you? And the boys needed to pack all of their belongings for their adventure into adulthood. It sounded so silly when you thought about it. But it also sent a soul-crushing feeling straight through your body.

You hated crying in front of them. Sure, you were a bit dramatic at times, but you tried your absolute hardest not to break down in front of them if you could help it. But this was different, you reckoned. This was them leaving with a permanence that could not be undone. This was goodbye… for now.

“I -- I’m just --” your voice sounded raspy and weak, like someone was gripping your vocal cords and strangling them. You watched through blurred vision as Fred’s lower lip began to wobble, and he bit down on it to keep you from noticing. But you noticed. Of course you did. How could you not? You knitted your brows together to keep the tears from falling, but your emotions were far too high for anything to work. You searched desperately for the words that were filling up your heart, though were proving very difficult to leave your lips. “I’m.. I’m really…”

And Fred, who found himself sometimes turning to mush around you, let his shoulders collapse as tears welled up in his eyes, too. He couldn’t believe they were really doing this -- really leaving. Hogwarts had been their home away from home for so many years, and you, the second sister he didn’t know he needed.

When he spoke, his voice didn’t have the usual cheeky sound to it, that mischievous tone you grew to know and love so much. It was soft, and tired, and pleading with you to please not be angry. You could hear it in the way that he said, “I know,” before pulling you into his chest. He interwove his fingers in your hair and pressed his lips to your forehead before sucking in a breath. You tugged gently on the drawstring hanging from his sweatshirt. It was hard to stay mad at either of them. You forced your eyes shut and bit down hard on your bottom lip, causing you to suck in another breath due to the pain. You felt your heart snap perfectly in half when you heard his voice shake a bit. “I’m really going to miss you, too.”

That was one of the most intimate moments you’d ever shared with Fred, letting each other cry into one another’s shoulders. The vulnerability hanging in the air between you both was so intense, it almost didn’t seem real. But as quickly as this new side of Fred had appeared, it vanished when he pulled away from you and held onto your shoulders to steady you. He sniffled a bit and tried to nonchalantly wipe away a tear from his eye. “But you’re coming to visit, yeah? First thing after graduation?”

“Of course,” you playfully swatted him with the sleeve of your robe. “Have got to make sure you two don’t find yourselves in any mischief, right?”

Fred threw his head back and laughed. “Great thing about our shop is that mischief is more than welcomed, darling.”

You both continued to laugh through tears, until everything became still and silent between you both. You bit down on your bottom lip again and repeated the address back to him very slowly. “Number 93 Diagon Alley.”

“Number 93 Diagon Alley,” he echoed you. His grin was so large, you began to see traces of that thirteen-year-old boy you’d first met all those long years ago. He was so excited, wasn’t he? You felt a pull at your heart. And you were so excited for them. “I love you, kid. Don’t forget to write, and definitely don’t forget to study. Molly Weasley would be so disappointed.”

He pulled you in for another hug before making his way down the corridor. You folded your arms across your chest and raised an eyebrow. “You? The King of avoiding schoolwork at all costs is actually telling me to study?”

“What can I say?” Fred shrugged his shoulders. Your best mate. Your best mate in the entire world, known for his pranks and laughter and everything in between was pointing a finger at you and telling you to get a jump start on your school work, like he’d done a complete one-eighty. “You just bring out this side of me.”

“I love you, you absolute git.”

“I love you more.”

Your breathing intensified as he vanished down the corridor.

“Wow,” you heard a voice from behind you, “can’t believe you somehow got my brother to tell you to study. What has the world come too?”

When you whirled around to come face to face with George, his face was an exact carbon copy of Fred’s -- but his sparkling eyes and lopsided grin made your insides twist in a way that Fred’s didn’t. All you wanted to do was run up to your dorm and cry, thinking about the entirety of your schooling where you could’ve been wrapped up in his arms if he’d just felt the same way. But that wouldn’t help you in any way. You had to be thankful for what you had.

“It definitely won’t be the same with you two gone.”

You couldn’t help it -- the words escaped you before you could register your own thoughts. You could see George’s expression fill with guilt, something that had been happening more often than not, so you offered him a tremendous grin that split your face in half, despite the tears that were falling generously now. You stuck your hand out to pull him into you. “I hope you know how proud I am of you both.”

He breathed a sigh of relief, took your hand in his and walked toward you. He pulled you into a bone crushing embrace, one you’d definitely feel the effects of a few days from now. He cradled your head in his hand the exact same way Fred did, and also placed a kiss onto your hair, but the way your blood bubbled at his touch was so very different from the way you felt with your best friend.

“I just want to thank you.”

“For what?”

“For.. everything.” George’s voice was raspy. He pulled away from you but didn’t let go. He slid his hands across your shoulders and down your arms before intertwining his fingers with yours. He slowly caressed his thumbs over the tops of your hands as he chose his words carefully. “For being my best friend, for believing in this ridiculous idea, for dealing with my antics. For everything, all of it. I reckon Hogwarts would not have been the same had I not met you in Charms.”

“It was my favorite lesson, you know.”

“Mine, too.”

You forced yourself to continue to smile at him through your tears, because you didn’t want you blubbering like an idiot to be the last thing he’d see before leaving the castle. As if this entire exchange hadn’t been dramatic enough, you were really considering telling him how you felt -- right as he left. You could shout out I love you!, couldn’t you? It would be the perfect time, too, because he’d already be off and you could run up to your dormitory without worrying about having to face him or your own intense feelings! The words were right there, on the tip of your tongue --

“Save a pygmy puff for me, yeah?”

But those were the words that spoke instead.

George raised his eyebrows and held up a finger. “Oh! That reminds me. Have got something for you.” You threaded your eyebrows together in confusion as he reached into his pocket. He very gently pulled out a ribbon, the colour a perfect blend of purple and pink, same as the puffs, with sparkles dancing across it as if it were charmed. Which, knowing George, it probably was. He fiddled with it slightly in his hands before looking up to meet your gaze. “You’ve inspired us. Got a whole line of these things in the works. So I want you to do me a favour.”

Your voice was a whisper. You’d nearly forgotten how to formulate coherent sentences. “What?” you asked him.

He then took a very deep breath and reached out to move your hair. He gently placed the ribbon behind your ears and tied it into a small bow on the top of your head. “When you’re feeling poorly about your exams, or about finishing school, or about anything, because I know you will -- put this on. Think of us. And just remember that we’re only a letter away until graduation, alright?”

As he watched more tears well up in your eyes, he considered telling you the truth: that it had been him this whole time, sending you these letters and gifts. It’d been him since the beginning, he’d just been too afraid to tell you. He wet his lips and watched as you brought your fingers to the ribbon and touched it gently. He was going to do it, it was time. Probably a few years too late, but he couldn’t worry about that now. He was leaving in five bloody minutes, and he had to seize his chance, when the vulnerability was thick and the emotions were high and he wasn’t going to chicken out completely --

But just as he found his confidence, Fred softly called his name from round the bend before disappearing again. You threw your arms around the back of George’s neck and stood on the tips of your toes to hug him. There was no mistaking the sound of your wobbly voice in his ears -- you were crying fully now. “I’m going to miss you.”

If his emotions weren’t sky high, he would’ve noticed just how easily the tears came to the front of his eyes at your simple, five word phrase.

“I’m going to miss you, too.”

He wished it could be yesterday, or the day before. Or last month. Or last year. He wanted to be back in Charms in your third year. He wished he could go back in time, any amount of time, just to have more with you, because this couldn’t possibly be the end. It couldn’t be.

Through sniffles and sobs and the cracks in your voice, he swore he heard you say, “I love you.”

Fire shot through his veins, but bloody hell, he didn’t have time to unload all of that. Fred was calling his name again. “I love you, too.”

George pressed his lips to your hairline and stayed there like that for a few more seconds you wished could last a lifetime. You didn’t even bother trying to hide your tears anymore -- they were cascading down your cheeks, and violent sobs were involuntarily escaping from your overused lungs. Every single ounce of your body hurt due to all of the crying you’d been doing the last couple of days. It felt so stupid and so dramatic and so absolutely awful, because the truth was, it was only a couple of months until you saw them again. Until you saw him again. A few months was nothing.

But the idea of being here without them hurt more than you could begin to fathom.

When he pulled away, you noticed how red and blotchy his cheeks were alongside his bloodshot eyes, his messy hair. But you beamed at him again and squeezed his hand and said, “Congratulations,” and watched him as his fingers let go of yours and he walked toward the other end of the corridor.

“Hey,” you called, thinking of something. George spun around quickly and peered longingly at you. You just needed a few more seconds or so. “How’re you two getting out of here, anyway? You know Umbridge has all the entrances sealed. You think it’s going to work, whatever you two’ve got planned?” There was a sliver of selfishness that hoped it didn’t, but you suppressed it. You were overflowing with pride for your best friends.

And then there he was -- that young boy filled with adventure and reckless abandon, looking at you as if only seeing you for the very first time. His grin deepened when he replied, “Don’t worry -- it’s in typical Weasley fashion.” He stopped in his tracks and placed his hands in his pockets, and peered at you with a type of intense sincerity that made every muscle in your body ache all over again. “I’ll see you soon, then?”

Your lip quivered again. “Yeah,” you replied, willing yourself to believe it. You would. “I’ll see you soon, then.”

You shook your head at him and watched as he disappeared around the bend, but not before that signature wink he loved to offer.

About thirty minutes later, after you’d had a good cry and rinsed the runny mascara off of your cheeks and from underneath your eyes, you heard a bit of yelling from inside the castle. You were sitting in the courtyard basking in the glorious spring weather, forcing yourself to focus on what you needed to study, when a group of students began to huddle near the windows.

Confused, you shut your spellbook and wandered over to where they were gathered, wondering what the bloody hell could be going on inside. Weren’t the fifth years supposed to be taking their OWLs?

And then two red headed figures zoomed out of the castle on their broomsticks, followed by a firework dragon the size of the real dragon Harry had fought just last year, with more sparklers and pyrotechnics behind them brightening up the sky. Students flooded into the courtyard and cheers were nearly shaking the whole entire structure of the castle. You looked around at all of the students, beaming with exuberance, and wondered just how many of the Wildfire Whizbangs had gotten caught in Umbridge’s hair, setting it aflame. You smiled to yourself and began to clap, too.

For as blue as you felt, you were ten times happier for them.

George and Fred were now hovering in the air beneath a very large firework in the shape of a ‘W’. Fred was busy cheering along with the crowd, clearly pleased with the feedback from all of the students -- and even some teachers. Was that Flitwick he spotted below? Had he made his Charms teacher proud?

But George wasn’t cheering -- he was focused. Focused on scanning the crowd, focused on bouncing his eyes from student to student until he found the familiar one he was looking for.

“You alright, Georgie?” Fred called over the roar of the dragon, now swimming through the clouds.

“Yeah,” George replied, though he didn’t fully believe it -- not until he saw you, in the middle of a sea of Ravenclaws, peering up at the two of them with nothing but admiration plastered onto your face. George breathed another sigh of relief and didn’t take his eyes off of you. He couldn’t. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

“To new adventures!” Fred cheered and raised his hands in delight. More students began to scream and cheer and wave to them from the grounds. He proceeded to do a backflip on his broomstick in the air.

When your eyes met his from below, he watched as your smile slowly grew a bit larger and your clapping became more exuberant. He could already count down the bloody days until you were finished with school and walking through the front doors of their shop, a grin on your face so large it could cure diseases! But for now, you had to study, and he had a business to run.

He turned toward his brother, who had never looked more excited or proud in all his years. George stuck out his hand for a high-five as he wobbled slightly on his broom. To Fred, George replied, “To new adventures, mate.”

tag list: @georgeweasleyx @seppys-return-to-madness @fopdoodledane @fredd-weasley @iprobablyshipit91 @darling-details @laneygthememequeen @lupinsx @keoghans @helloallthethingsilove @waschbiber @dreamer821 @feffffffy @the-hufflepuff-of-221b @62442-am @wtfweasleyy @obsessedwithrandomthings @sleep-i-ness @shadowsinger11 @harrysweasleys @shadychaoticcollection @haphazardhufflepuff @afriendlyneighborhoodhufflepuff @hood-and-horan @geeksareunique @insearchofnewdreams @notstandingstill-imlyinginwait @lumos-barnes @thatfuckingliardavidtennant @slytherinqween @xinyourdreamsx @skiving-snackboxess @wildfire-whizbangs @dwarfwizard-from-panem @diary-of-an-onliner @answer-the-sirens @woakiees @black-widow-fangirl @theheirofnightandday @summerstardust @whysoseriouspadfoot @chocok22 @myhopesareanchoredinyou @siriusblackisme @illusivedaydreamer @zeeneee @writingwitchly @wolfpotter12 @obsessedwithrandomthings @carolinesbookworld @shadowsinger11 @pit-and-the-pen @summer-writes-words @peachesandpinks @gweaslvy @alpineweasley @letsfightsomeorcs @theweasleysredhair @purpleskiesstorm @hxfflxpxffs @wand3ringr0s3 @finecole @angelinathebook @highly-acidic @90shermione @zreads @susceptible-but-siriusexual @hollands-weasley @andromedaa-tonks @bbystrawberry0421 @cappsikle @mytreec @imseeinggred @idont-knowrn @flyingserpxnt @auroraboringalis57 @godricsswords @jejegu @annasofiaearlobe @starlightweasley @alwaysasadaesthetic @thisismysketchbook

[thrashxunreal]

lots of end of year thoughts even though i ended up in a truly vile mood on actual new year's and decided not to even recap the year even for myself because i just felt so awful about myself and my life that particular day

but regardless i really can't argue with the fact that there were highs this year that still feel like a fever dream... the biggest being going on tour which is still such a mindfuck and today i was re-reminded of it because someone on the crew who I had far too few conversations with found me on instagram and followed me, and i was just like oh yeah that was a really weird but unimaginably amazing thing that i was given the opportunity to do. now i have a tattoo to remind me of what that experience was like and to remind me to just say yes to things for that reason

also in professional terms [which i completely forgot to share because it happened as soon as i got to nashville] i got hired officially full time at my job, which means i'm salaried with a raise and have benefits now... which is so so so much more stability than I have ever had and it's relieving to not feel like I'm immediately going to be fired at all times for just being the expendable one. and separately, I also got told by a venue that i really love that whenever I want to shoot shows there all i have to do is ask. that got weird with covid spiking here but I'm certainly taking advantage of that, possibly even this month

over the summer I also went to new orleans with my best friend and it was the most incredible experience and i came to realize it's the only real vacation i've ever taken as an adult... Being friends with and even living with someone are their own things, but I genuinely realize that I love traveling with them too and there's no one I would rather do it with & now we're talking about going to europe this year...

and on one of the last days of the year I invited that same friend to go on this adventure that i originally intended to go on alone just for photo purposes - which was to go to this literal trash beach that's technically illegal to go to because of some slightly radioactive material that was found there once - and we didn't even know if we'd be able to get to it once we traveled an hour and a half there or if it would be worth going to but they trusted my desire to go anyway and the day ended up being so surreal and magical that i can barely describe it. we just scavenged neat litter from decades ago and every time a wave hit it sounded like wind chimes from all the glass pieces clinking together and the temperature was perfect and the only people we saw the entire day were two women, who kind of reminded us of older versions of ourselves, leaving the trail holding some collected treasures right where there's a gate to ward off trespassers as soon as we got off the bus i bartended on new year's eve until 4am and we were open until 8am so i stayed and hung out after my shift because my vile mood improved and naturally one of the first customers through the door after midnight was the dude i hooked up with on That Awful Night and then ghosted even though he still has my expensive ring at his apartment lmao life really decided to hand me a dose of "you need to deal with this unfinished business whether you like it or not" and I actually did?? I'll admit I was already kinda drunk at that point but I was super honest about how I really need my ring back (it's still safe) and that I wasn't really looking to hook up again (even though he still continues to hit on me) and even got a nice little confirmation that i didn't have to be concerned about the possibility of us having unprotected sex that i couldn't remember (i do actually trust his word there bc he's annoying but not really a scumbag)

Then the next day i had a hangover brunch at my friend's artist loft apartment and we just got bagels and went grocery shopping and had a nice conversation about how we really miss living together and now i'm actually going to pack up my life and move in with them again.... massive new year's day decisions but ultimately something that will even out financially very quickly (my rent is going to be literally half of what my current apartment is) and I think it's just going to make me happy?? I wanted to last a full year in my current place but I just need to be happy

[roominthecastle]

Since you listened to Mofftiss talk about EP 3, did you get why they didn’t want to show the Agatha / Dracula connection until the end? I read your post about it, but it was still a bit unclear as to why. Because they even said something along the lines of “it was hard pressed to keep that hidden until the end”, did they talk about it with the other episodes. Did you listen to the others? Just drama-vise I’m curious as to why, when it’s more common to play with that energy instead of hide it.

I’ve listened to the three episode companion podcasts + the bonus audio commentary for ep 3, and, as far as I can remember, they only touch on this particular topic twice, saying:

It felt very moving when he was lying across “Zagatha” on the table, drinking her blood. There was a sort of full-stop-ness to “You didn’t think I’d let it hurt, did you?” It was such an iron process of  not revealing that that story is happening. I think everyone who watches  goes, “Hang on. Those two. Those two, there is something weird there.”  But it’s not acknowledged, really, til the very end. And indeed when he  says it, “After all this time, did you think I’d let it hurt?”, you  know. Of course he wouldn’t. So it’s rather sweet. I like it. He finally  does actually bend a little.

During my very first interview the journalist asked, “Oh come on, there is something between those two, isn’t there?” I thought, “Really? Already? you got that from episode one?!” I remember we were constantly saying to [Claes and Dolly],“No, don’t play it. Let the audience find it.”

I'm afraid that for a more detailed answer you would have to go to them. All I can offer is my speculative interpretation, which is not exactly bulletproof but here it is anyway:

They aren't saying this angle is not toyed with throughout (it def is, imo -- like the whole convent gate scene where he is naked and she is smearing him w/ her blood, or when she has the noose around her neck and his foot is on the barrel, they are flirting ffs, they are enjoying each other), but it being there isn't explicitly acknowledged until the very end. So viewers who are distracted by the surface action are surprised when the evolving subtext surges up at the end of ep 3, but for those who are looking for it, there are traces as early as in ep 1.

Dracula’s special brand of seductive darkness pulls Agatha in but Agatha also has a hold on Dracula from the first moment they meet. It manifests in smaller stuff at first, eg. he calls off his bats when she asks and he spares Mina when Agatha demands it even though he could have just killed them both in a split second. Then he brings her aboard the ship disguised as his sick wife and, as he drinks from her, he enters the “blood dream” to spend time w/ her -- something he never does w/ anybody else. Despite its twistedness, it is also extremely intimate: they lie in bed, he is inside her, she is inside him, and they are exploring each other under the guise of a chess match. So over time, their entanglement gets more and more elaborate and contradictory and blurred (esp for Dracula since he is the emotionally less developed).

Feelings other than plain animosity are developing and mutating and wash together but never ever is this straightforwardly expressed by either character. The closest they drift to it is perhaps when Dracula says, "This takes me back. About three centuries, in fact. We must do it again.” but when Agatha rejects him, he quickly laughs it off and backpedals. Now that I think of it, he even says that she “came closer than anyone”, which is def an interesting statement that lends itself to multiple readings + “three centuries ago” Dracula was likely still a human man, so certain vulnerabilities around her may be alluded to here.

"Don't play it [=the emotion]" -- based on my limited knowledge of acting/directing -- does not mean seeds of emotion are not there to color behavior or for the audience to pick up on them if they are open to it/perceptive enough. It just means the actors focus on immediate & overall intent and not specific feelings bc feelings are very difficult to play consciously and convincingly as they are not clear-cut and are in flux. By concentrating on "what I want & how I am gonna get it" and not "how I feel", the emotion can naturally, unconsciously flow from the interaction (just as it does in real life), but this way it is not gonna be too obvious or just one thing. It results in a more nuanced and believable performance overall.

Given that what Dracula and Agatha want from each other changes and is not fully crystallized until the very end, their feelings are also shifting and in disarray until that final moment. They start from the mutual sentiment of “I will kill you but will toy w/ you first bc you are interesting” but the unintended side-effect of getting to know one another is that this original goal shifts. This goal change is just as spectacular in Agatha as it is in Dracula: she goes from “the last thing your eyes will ever see is the contempt in mine” to her genuinely smiling at Dracula as he finally gathers his courage and stands in the sunlight after 500 years -- sunlight she chooses to give back to him instead of trying to kill him or leaving him in the dark to suffer alone forever. And this gesture, this most precious gift, really, brings about a change in Dracula, too. She takes him back to the time when he was still human and he can finally die a proper death in her arms. But all this comes on “slowly then all at once”, and it comes as a result of figuring each other out, which takes all 3 episodes. It wouldn’t have been convincing or true to either character if explicit (romantic) feelings had entered the text earlier bc their original wants and convictions were just too strong for that.

I think they most def play with that "imperfectly suppressed" UST energy throughout the season, but I don't believe either Dracula or Agatha is fully conscious of how they feel about each other or allow themselves to embrace those other feelings until the final confrontation where everything is brought to light (literally and figuratively). And how they feel is in flux and contradictory due to the very nature of their interactions: they are locked in what they know is supposed to be a fight to the death but whenever they reach the tipping point, 9 out of 10 times they pull back.

This is why e.g. Agatha leaves one box and sits beside it waiting for Dracula to return and why Dracula gives his blood to Zoe to drink, then waits for Agatha's return. Agatha could have tossed the last box after she set him on fire to make absolute sure he has no chance to recover, and Dracula could have easily refused the blood donation w/ instructions bc he was about to get out of his cell anyway, but they wanted to crack the door open for the other to push through again. This is in direct (albeit still subtle) contradiction of their original goal but at the end of ep 2 that original goal (“I will kill you to survive” and “I will kill you to save others” respectively) still overrides other feelings that have begun sprouting underneath the surface action. But it’s a natural backsliding that will lead to the good stuff at the end of ep 3 when they are finally able to embrace another solution, the right one, together.

This is like Dracula not being conscious that internalized shame is what’s been driving him to debase himself. It unconsciously informs his actions, but he is not fully aware of it or ready to face it until the end. Same w/ his developing feelings for Agatha and Agatha's for him. Those are suppressed until a final understanding is reached.

and this has been today’s edition of “let me overthink this”.

[a9saga]

when my maternal grandfather died six months ago i made a long rambling about how everything in my life since ninth grade just went full circle and i meant it. i ended up being okay, and i knew i would, but that was all very intensely crashing over me at once.

my grandmother died this morning. other side, my dad’s mother. it was okay, she was safe, she was being taken care of and she was with her children and her husband. i’d only heard she went into hospice yesterday, she couldn’t have been in there for more than a day.

if you know me well enough that i’ve ever talked to you about my family, you might remember i really love my sweet and beautiful little irish grandmother. i do. or even if you follow my blog, she’s made several mentions in my own posts over the years. she’s my biggest role model. i could go on for days. simply put, every trait of mine that i most like about myself is something i’ve had in common with her. and she loved me for the same things i loved in her, i think.

that last sentence is the only reflection i’ve realized upon finally losing her. i only realized that one when my dad pointed it out last night. i was mumbling on my whole spiel about how much i love my grandmother i knew i would be losing within the next day, you know the one i largely skipped in this post because i would have gone on for too long. my dad said that i also brought her so much joy, that she also thought that i was sweet, and beautiful, and it lit her up to see me, etc etc etc.

i’d not thought of that as much. the last many times i saw her, her memory was so far gone she didn’t know who i was or who my mother was. she would generally recognize my dad and she would ask him if he was married and if he had kids. that’d happen every few minutes whenever we’d see her, that she would be going over the list of basic questions. she wanted to enjoy everyone’s presence, and to some extent she did, but it was so hard for her to genuinely partake.

connie was in there somewhere but she was a shell of herself. over the past year, especially in the past four months, it was apparent she was getting exponentially closer to the end.

i always knew she’d be the hardest to lose. i’ve been afraid of it forever. and i think she will be. i have two grandparents left but i just. i just know this one. and it feels only reinforced by my feeling that her death doesn’t change anything.

i have realized nothing new from this. there’s no circle encompassing this moment in my life. at this time i think more constantly what i have always thought of her. i am just devastated to be without her. in place of piecing together what she meant to me, since i was already well aware of that all my life, i am thinking more of how she was years ago. i am not realizing. i am remembering. what i remember is what i’ve thought much less about for a while, because i’ve only been so worried about her now for at least 4 years. at least. and that’s only been my major concerns.

but if there was someone who deserved this soon, it was her. in some respects, for a while i’d felt like i lost her already, such as the fact that she didn’t constantly remember and understand anyone but her husband. she was so weak recently. she just needed to rest.

if you were wondering, she would have turned 91 if she made it to the end of this month. i will be okay, again. i keep tearing up every few minutes thinking about her. it doesn’t last long but it recurs a lot. i don’t feel the disbelief i did with my grandfather’s death. i simply feel awful.

with my grandfather, even in recent months there have been tears, bad dreams, and recently at work an old man came in who looked and moved and talked very much like my grandfather had since his first battle with his brain tumor. those make me sad but much of the time now i just remember that he’s actually gone, not out of sight, out of mind. i’ve made my peace, it’s just more like i largely don’t buy it. he’s not dead, i just haven’t seen him in a while. that’s how it feels and i just remind myself that it’s not true.

well i don’t know that i will think of connie like that in six months. because frank, her husband of 68 years, is going to be alone and no one can bear the thought of how scary that is. he doesn’t know life like this. so if you’re the praying type, please utter his name for me. he’s a very strong man, but he’s very old.

i wanted to say one last thing. remember when i said seventeen was once again comforting me when my grandfather died? well i’ve been listening to cnblue today. i don’t know why. i will not sit here and tell you my cnblue story (although one day i mean to bc oh boy) but i was a fan of them years before i got into kpop, when i was 13. it was the summer before eighth grade. i actually know like, none of their work that they put out after i was 13. i was mostly into their japanese stuff, their korean singles back then were so much more poppy and colorful and i liked them but not as much. i still kind of feel that way. you know what song of theirs i was kinda iffy about liking as much as i did? love girl. oh my god. for the record they dropped that song and album on my 12th birthday, which inherently cursed them (nothing good ever happened while i was 12). i was too not-like-other-girls to deal with the one video of theirs that went too far in making it clear that the boys in this band were cute (ugh). but now i’m listening to that song a lot in particular because it makes me feel very light and pink and warm and homey and to put it simply it fills me with a comfort that i think i need after losing my feminine hero. that doesn’t make any sense but i feel it. i’ve not actually played anything since i started typing this so i’m gonna go back to that now.

ps: any friends or mutuals, if we talk lots or little or we haven’t in a while, are welcome to send me literally whatever. if it’s related to this, unrelated, or whatever, if you are thinking of reaching out to say something i am going to appreciate anything. you can send kind words or a meme or cute animals or a song rec. i will say that i’m going to be quiet for the time being so i may not reply back very quickly. i’m not ignoring you i’m just taking space. i may be like this for a little bit. but if you actually read all of this, thank you. thank you so much.

[homosociallyyours]

@velvet-impala tagged me to answer this long set of questions, and bc I love this sort of thing I’m DOING IT! I’ll tag folks here just in case you don’t want to read thru this whole dang thing. But I wanna say: if you want to do this, PLEASE DO IT and tag me so I can see-- I *love* reading responses to stuff like this. But @la-paritalienne @disgruntledkittenface @and-id-marry-larry @calmrry @crinkle-eyed-boo @lightwoodsmagic -- y’all are tagged :) 

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black, but what matters most is how smoothly it writes.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? walkable neighborhood in a city. 3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? would love to learn how to hack into billionaire bank accounts without getting caught so i could redistribute their wealth to a variety of mutual aid funds. :)  4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? no, just milk! unless it’s really shitty/bitter coffee, and then i will take it with a couple sugars or sweetened creamer. 

5. What was your favourite book as a child? probably the Anne of Green Gables books  6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers! i wanna love a bath, but i get bored too fast and i never feel comfortable (where do i put my head? my feet? what do i do when my belly isn’t covered by the water and it gets cold?) so they’re meh. 

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? dryad! i wanna be a tree spirit!

8. Paper or electronic books? paper, i guess. but i do love reading fic electronically, so..

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? used to be my work hoodie. but now i would say this blue striped button down i have OR this one black dress i have with 3/4 sleeves that’s really soft and comfy. 

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? i always meant to start going by Dottie when I got older, but it hasn’t happened yet so it probably won’t by now? but i would never change my name generally speaking. 

more after the cut! 

  11. Who is a mentor to you? i had a co-worker who was really a mentor for me since i got into being a cheesemonger in 2008. he’s been in the industry for a long time and basically recruited me to the job i have/had here. but when i got sick he basically dropped me/hasn’t spoken to me in a long time. let me tell you: it fucking sucks. bc a mentor is a cross between a friend and a colleague and a relative; we jokingly called him my lesbian uncle. and so losing him from my life so completely over something like this is deeply shitty. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for?  not now, but before i was sick i would’ve said yes. BUT only bc i think i would be a great Saturday Night Live host (not a cast member! just a one time host with a monologue/skits). So whatever level of fame i needed to get that..

13. Are you a restless sleeper? I have really bad insomnia that means i take at least an hour to fall asleep most nights. Once I’m out, I usually sleep ok, but i do have intense dreams/nightmares that wake me up sometimes. 

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? yeah :/

15. Which element best represents you? earth: the wet dirt and leaves in a forest after rain in particular

16. Who do you want to be closer to? emotionally i’m pretty good i think. physically i wish i could be closer to friends and family in NYC, Seattle area, TN/Atlanta, and Germany

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? the people referenced above. also missing my Grandmomma a lot lately and my mom. 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. art lessons with my grandmomma. her set of pastels that were all worn down and the heavy paper (black) that she pulled out to work on. she drew a quick portrait of a man, showing me how to create depth in skin tones with blue and green against the softer flesh tones. she didn’t blend it out, the marks all painterly and strong-- her style. i was 10, maybe? 12? so not *early* but it feels like forever ago. 

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? i have no idea? i’ve eaten a lot of weirdish cheeses. i’ve had geoduck? 

20. What are you most thankful for? the amazing friends i’ve gathered into my life along the way, my dad, and my baby dog. 

21. Do you like spicy food? yes, within reason (i don’t get stuff that’s spicy just for the heck of it, like ghost pepper chips or whatever? but when spice is integrated in with other flavors i love it)

22. Have you ever met someone famous? i used to make up stories about meeting famous people that were based on partial truths. i’ve hung out with or met a lot of gay famous people. but the biggest person who comes to mind is Sandra Bernhard. I sold her cheese.  23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? i have over the years. now i sometimes write things down in a paper journal, but mostly go to a really old blogging site where i basically put all my big feelings down in a public but sorta private spot.  

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? depends on my mood.

25. What is your star sign? taurus sun and moon, gemini rising

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? in between...not HARD crunchy, but not soft soggy. 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? would like people to remember that i loved them well and made them feel good/happy when i was around them. and hopefully that it made them feel like being good to others too. 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? i do, but i’m mostly reading fic these days. i think the thing i read last was Pink Like the Paradise Found, which was FANTASTIC!

29. How do you show someone you love them? i tell them, shower them with physical affection, and do little things for them. also try to remember small details about what they enjoy and then do stuff to make them feel good when they’re down

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? yes, but not too much

31. What are you afraid of? sometimes being along but only when it’s very dark out and i’m in the sads. honestly-- this is some deep internalized ableism but here it is --i’m very afraid of never getting better and not being able to take care of myself or anyone else. 

32. What is your favourite scent? jasmine flowers, pu-er tea, the specific scents of people i love

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? however they’re introduced i guess. maybe because i’m an older person lol

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? i would live in the apartment i had alone (with a guest room). i would hire someone from my community to come help me out sometimes. i would get a weekly grocery delivery from the good quality place. i would have a dog walker. and i would fly home to see my family more than once a year and fly my family out for a visit sometimes. so like. probably the way a lot of ppl live? idk. 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? ocean

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? get dinner at the thai restaurant down the street a couple times. 

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? yes, lots! 

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? i’m not having kids BUT for the kids in my life, i try to teach them/model the importance of consent and respect for their own bodies as well as other people’s. and i know it said one thing, but alongside that is that i respect and love them for who they are, and that’s something they get to decide. 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i want a lot of tattoos, but if i could get one tomorrow it would be a cheese themed tattoo with a variety of cheese knives (parm tools, dutch style knife) and a small cheese assortment. or a portrait of my dog

40. What can you hear now? this kinda dumb netflix show that i decided to binge today even tho it’s only kinda meh and my dog snoring just a little. 

41. Where do you feel the safest? when i’m surrounded by friends. 

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? my stupid money issues prolly

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? wanna go back to 1977 and live in the girl direction AU i wrote last year, lol.

44. What is your most used emoji? laugh crying emoji or sobbing maybe

45. Describe yourself using one word. colorful

46. What do you regret the most? not sure if this is a thing but i regret not realizing when i got bitten by a tick/got lyme disease the first time, bc maybe i could’ve just taken antibiotics and killed it, and then maybe i wouldn’t be sick? 

47. Last movie you saw? watched the new charlie’s angels the other night

48. Last tv show you watched? this dumb show is called sweet magnolias, and it’s. honestly not terrible! it’s just not my style of show. OH WAIT i take it back, they left it on a really shitty cliffhanger without warning, and that is the one way to make me drop your show/fic HARD unless i like. genuinely love you. so byeeee dumb show, hope you get cancelled

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. saungry: sadness brought on by being hungry, like hangry except oops you’re crying now! example: “fuck i knew i should’ve eaten before calling my best friend, now i miss them and i’m too saungry to figure out what to eat! Guess I’ll have tears for dinner” (almost called it sungry, but the internet thinks that might just mean ‘so hungry’)

did you make it to the end? WOW! devotion. thank you. 

[judesstfrancis]

so I was late to asking u things and I don't want u to have to repeat yourself so answer all the questions in the thing that you haven't already answered thank u 😌

the way I had to pull out my laptop to answer these bc I couldn’t keep them straight on my phone clipboard................ fdskjfsdkj I think I’m gonna put most of these under a read more so they don’t take up too much dash space. thank u!! <3

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

honestly I’m great! it is currently almost 2 in the morning but my day was nice, I got some new clothes, did my laundry, made a good dinner...good vibes all around, loving it for me rn

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

I haven’t really listened to a lot of new music lately dkfjskj I think the most recent new artist I started listening to was orville peck?? but that was back in like february

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

uhh when I’m at home. yes I’m a homebody <3

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home? 

truly it’s with the thots I just feel so at ease

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

it’s just easy, u know? like no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just vibing on our own together, it’s nice. I can tell them absolutely anything and it’s not weird and I don’t have to force it out at all

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

ok first I always see if any of my friends are busy fkdjsfkj and if they aren’t I see if they wanna just chill or w/e but otherwise just like. turning some music up and sitting in my room with a book/a couple movies I love is ideal for me on a day off. I am very simple I just like to chill

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yes! there are two whole people in this world that I spill absolutely everything to bc I trust them with my life and esp when I’m sad bc they always make me feel better. talking to them when I’m having A Day is like I vent and instantly I am normal again. they know who they are I’m sure but for transparency’s sake, it’s u (robin) and maya, no one else gets to unlock my tragic backstories <3

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? 

relaxing evenings!

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything? 

actually I am currently rewatching cycles 1 through 22 of america’s next top model, I’m on like cycle 5 rn I think. having the time of my life, thanks for asking

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

I am very much more into creative endeavors, like work-wise, but I feel like the way I think about things is much more analytical. like I prefer Making things, writing or various crafts or what have u, but even when I create I think about the things I’m doing like analytically?? so ig left-brained

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? 

boy with squirrel by john singleton copley. I love him

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

interesting question! I have no idea. maybe birds? like a finch, maybe. they seem like they have fun

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? 

this one is hard for me to answer bc like. I truly have no idea what a “type” is idk if that’s an ace thing or what. no? maybe? all the people I’ve had crushes on have been vastly different, in terms of like physical looks so probably not actually. I’m not attracted to muscular people tho bc I don’t think they have feelings <3

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

once again I have never pictured a date. I just want to hold hands! I think for the ideal first date question I said it just had to be going somewhere where we could Do things together, like walking around a museum or going through shops downtown or something, and that does still apply here, but for the sake of shaking it up, uhh...idk maybe staying in and watching a movie. like not at a theater no one needs to know my business like that but like. at a House. whoever’s, I’m not picky, again ideally I just want to hold hands.

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

yes. literally if the first thing u do is kiss me I am okay with it. I’m 23 someone just take the shot and kiss me already I’m going crazy over here

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? 

really looking forward to the holidays personally I got everyone some really good gifts this year and I can’t wait to hand them out. also my copy of 13 storeys is supposed to finally ship out this week, for real this time! so that’s exciting too

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? 

u know that idealized house with the yellow paint and the white trim? yes. just small and cute and homey

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? 

I guess not?? I’d like to be somewhere near my mom bc she’s important to me but like. as long as I’m living with someone I love it doesn’t really matter where I don’t think

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

uh. settling down to me equates to like falling in love and living together so honestly that could happen any time. I need to get a job before we live together so I can like Help Out but like. really any time

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I have not been to a lot of places! I’ve been to new york, and san diego, and like. phoenix outside of where I live so. actually if I can include like buildings in places I would like to say that one opera house I went to in new york. I learned I wasn’t a fan of operas BUT I also learned those chandeliers were cool as hell

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

I’m usually in a good mood, I think? my baseline mood is genuinely just like. happy/chill, pero I think the last time I felt Euphoria (tm) was a couple days ago when my mom and I made a really nice dinner together and my brother was there and we just played board games all night

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

I have this recurring habit of waking up from dreams but only barely so when I fall back asleep it feels like I just woke up within the dream? anyway the last one was like that but in one of the times I ‘woke up’ I looked out the window and instead of outside there was like this. static photo of buffalo grazing in open fields?? and it was like green screened kinda, so when I move the image moved with my line of sight it was weird. that’s how I knew it was a dream and woke myself up again, only to immediately fall back asleep and feel like I was waking up from a dream within a dream again

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I think living with friends would be cool. like I want to have a significant other I live with but also if we lived with other friends that would be fun. kids, maybe! would be something I’d have to discuss with whatever partner I have in the future. if yes to kids, max two. also I don't want babies, preferably I would adopt older children. pets absolutely, however many doesn’t matter. I’m open to just living in a house with the love of my life and like twelve dogs, that’s ok with me

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name! I think it’s nice and it feels like it fits me. I don’t think I’d change it ever, but if I did I think maybe I’d go with jude bc yes I do love to project <3

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

it’s a tie between suntan lotion and the lumber aisle of any hardware store

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

vanilla rooibos tea supremacy!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

lots of flowers, first of all. also some kitchen herbs. maybe some fruits!

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes <3 I want to force people to listen to my pretentious horror opinions and get paid for it

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

look I just have to say it: I’m hot. last night I took a photo and saw my nose from the side and went “omg who IS she” like it’s cute. I’M cute. I’ve seen my ass in the mirror and nothing can top it, sorry

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

all I’m getting is those scenes from horror movies where eerie whistling starts and like birds start going crazy

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

I think so?? I’d like to be more financially secure, pero. I think for the most part yeah I’m alright

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

ireland and greece for sure, ireland is the one I have most planned out in my head. ig maybe england for the third one, just bc I know my mom wants to go and also I’m very bad at geography so I don’t know what counts as a country. I had to look all these up, I do want to visit them tho, genuinely! esp ireland

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

the one I’m most fluent in is spanish! and I’m still cracking along at russian, currently I can hold a conversation with like a 4 year old and we can understand each other, it’s pretty cool. I really wanna get into learning irish!! I have a few resources downloaded onto my phone I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

a little life <3 yes I hate it when things are sad just to be sad yes this is my favorite book I contain multitudes

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

the burbs! I’ve seen it so many times but it always hits

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

the day IS over it’s like two thirty am now but uh. drink some water before I sleep probably

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

I post the “kirby’s fucking pissed” meme on twitter and then I ask u (robin) if I can yell for like five minutes and then I feel valid and then I am normal again

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

it’s a little bit jock and it’s a little bit 1980s skater boy but the best way I can really Describe it is just “gay”

[panharmonium]

@merlinobsessionist you understand me on a spiritual level

[putting the rest of this under a cut because it just ended up being me grumping at length about fandom trends - which, yes, i am well-aware is a silly endeavour in all cases, but sometimes you just gotta have your little grump regardless, you know, for health reasons. X)  and in this particular case the grumping is probably relevant/entertaining only to myself, and you, and one or two other people here, so, tucking it away to spare everyone’s dash :) ]

the other day i was exploring the mostly abandoned wasteland that is the merlin fandom on livejournal (since that’s my original fandom home and obviously i missed out on being involved in that particular niche of lj when merlin was active, so i was feeling nostalgic and kinda curious as to it had looked like) - i stumbled over a merlin fic-finders comm and looked up my boy william just for kicks, and surprisingly, a couple of the old requests sounded like maybe i WAS involved in the merlin fandom on livejournal back then and i just don’t remember it

i think i wrote this in a past life

this is an eleven year-old comment in a mostly defunct fandom community but i felt it in my BONES

oh, my dear commenter from 8 years ago, i WISH  XD

it made me laugh, and then it made me grumpy, because obviously there were very few suggestions offered in response to these asks - the fics just don’t exist, not in any numbers.

and like, the thing is, i don’t particularly care about the shipping side of things for the most part; i always lean towards gen and that’s mostly been it, for me; that’s always been my MO in every fandom i’ve ever participated in, but - look.  if i have to witness (*checks ao3*) 23,830 (twenty four thousand. twenty four THOUSAND!!!!) instances of merlin getting together with arthur hecking pendragon, over and over and over again, in every AU configuration under the sun, then you had better believe i am ready and willing to plead the case of the only person in the merlin-verse who did not think arthur pendragon deserved merlin’s entire life.  

and of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with arthur and merlin as an item, obviously (i mean, i can name a few things about it that don’t appeal to me personally, but that is not the same thing as a value judgment) and everybody should have fun with their own ships, always - but for me, personally, there is just...enough of that out there.  i have seen Enough.  it’s hard for me to even determine where the rest of the fandom is, under the ever-present spread of merlin/arthur content; a picture of merlin/arthur should literally be next to the dictionary entry for steamroller.

and of course, i knew it would be like this from the beginning, and i know complaining about the ubiquitousness of a particular ship in fandom is utterly silly, in the end, because it’s not like there’s anything wrong with something being ubiquitous - the whole point of fandom is to make what you love, and if that’s what everybody loves, well, hey, that’s just how it is!  that’s what people should be making - the stuff they love!  that’s what fandom is here for!  i only mutter to myself in the bubble of my own blog because the ubiquitousness makes it almost impossible for me to find what *i* love, because i don’t want to read about arthur/merlin in the first place, no matter who else appears in the fic, and also because my fave minor character, while he gets a pretty good amount of fannish screentime for someone who showed up in one episode, also suffers from the curse known as “virtually everything he features in is actually about merlin and arthur getting it on”

like - by the numbers, when you exclude merlin/arthur from will’s character tag, will retains less than 20% of his fics, some of which are already like...you know, he’s dead, or just mentioned, et cetera.  

and his poor ship tag...he and merlin have 136 fics in their tag, and at first you wanna look at that and be like - ‘hey, not bad, pal, that’s p. good for a rarepair!’  but in actuality, less than 20 of those fics are actually about him and merlin.  like...12% of his own ship tag actually belongs to him, and the rest is him being used as a plot device to get arthur and merlin together.

and i am sure that a lot of other side characters probably suffer from this, too, given the general fic distribution in this fandom, though the only person i’ve looked at for comparison purposes is freya, who is a (mostly) one-ep character like will.  she, despite that, doesn’t appear to get hit quite as hard - she seems to keep more of her fic for herself, which is nice (when i exclude merlin/arthur from the freya/merlin search, freya still retains about 65% of her fics, as opposed to will’s sad little 12%).  i’m glad for her, though - she of all people does not need to be losing fic to arthur; she has suffered enough. 

to put things in perspective, though - merlin and uther have more fics in their ship tag that earnestly focus on the tagged....hnhhmgnhn i can’t say it...relationship than merlin and will do - even filtering out every instance of dubcon/noncon.  

(and yes, i did in fact want to die when i had to actually click the merlin/uther tag on ao3 in order to check that factoid, thanks for asking.)

so, that said - i don’t generally read canon-era fic anyway, when i’m actively writing for a fandom, but since the merlin fandom sometimes feels like it consists solely of modern AU’s anyway, all i am trying to say is that it would be nice if i could pick up an AU including a character i enjoy without seeing him constantly reduced to:

merlin’s loser ex

merlin’s abusive ex (w h at)

merlin’s ex who’s kinda sorta tolerable-ish, maybe, if you squint, but just ultimately Not Right for merlin - holding merlin back, or being too overbearing, or too pushy, or Just Not Enough - or being someone who merlin stays with only bc he’s familiar and merlin’s settling for something safe and unrisky and stagnantly unfulfilling

the dude who merlin cheats on to be with arthur

the dude who cheats on merlin, bc the fic needed a reason to break up merlin and will so that white-knight!arthur could swoop in (cue me shouting ‘IN WHAT UNIVERSE DO YOU THINK WILL WOULD EVER - ’)

the dude merlin “makes mistakes with” when things with arthur aren’t going well

the friend-with-benefits who’s apparently chill with a casual arrangement, thus keeping himself conveniently out of the way of the oncoming merlin/arthur train

the friend-with-benefits who’s secretly NOT chill with a casual arrangement and who’s pining for merlin, except we all know that ain’t ever going anywhere because arthur exists, and in the meantime merlin only ever gets together with will to try and forget his problems

the friend-with-no-benefits who’s still pining for merlin (which situation, i might add, would be read completely differently if it were arthur in will’s shoes, because if that were the case then the audience would 100% be rooting for him)

the “best friend” whose only purpose in fic is to provide space for conversations/debriefs about merlin’s relationship/pre-relationship with arthur (like - i’m sorry, but there desperately needs to be some type of bechdel-esque test for will; e.g. do will and merlin have a conversation about something other than arthur pendragon?  if yes, u win, u may pass go, collect 20 dollars, congratulations)

the friend whose dislike of arthur always, ALWAYS ends up being framed as a mistake.  as will’s stubborn unwillingness to give arthur a chance, until at last will sees the light and succumbs to the irresistible beauty of merlin and arthur’s eternal love. -_-  there is vanishingly rare acknowledgement in fic of the fact that in the canon universe, all of the criticisms will makes about merlin and arthur’s relationship are not only accurate, but made in merlin’s best interests (and also, ultimately, proven right, by the end of the show - merlin tanks his whole damn life for a series of empty promises prophesying arthur pendragon’s future potential, and he gets NOTHING for his devotion.  merlin is more alone at the end of the show than he was at the beginning, when his only dream was to be loved and accepted by more than the two people who’d comprised his entire life up until that point.  and he spends at least half a decade in between the show’s hopeful beginning and its miserable end being told that he’s evil by the very person for whom he is expected to sacrifice his future.  

so what, exactly, makes will so wrong to be wary?  who among us wouldn’t be angry if we saw somebody we loved being forced to sacrifice themselves on an unforgiving altar like this?  

i don’t know the answer.  i’m not sure what it is that earns will his spot on the “destined to be shafted for arthur pendragon” list.  i don’t know if it’s an unconscious backlash to will’s refusal to hop on the arthur/merlin train, or if it’s just a superficial understanding/lack of genuine interest in his character, which, in that case, sure, i’ll give people that one, in all fairness; not everyone has spent a year picking his character apart (though i still don’t think it justifies tossing him in there just because the fic needs a random insert who can be positioned as inferior to arthur’s gloriousness).  either way, the end result is that we usually end up seeing a will who has very little in common with his source material, or who needs to ultimately step aside to make way for arthur - arthur, who never displays the same level of care toward merlin in canon that merlin shows toward him, and who actively oppresses merlin’s people for the entire duration of their relationship.  

like...it’s all just fic, obviously, and we can make characters as OOC as we want; have fun; go wild.  but at the same time, it’s impossible for me not to balk at how arthur in some of this fic is just - utterly unrecognizable.  in comparison with fic!will, arthur is the most Solicitous, Gentle, Understanding, Deeply Concerned, Invested-In-Merlin’s-Welfare-and-Inner-Thoughts creature you ever did see, and I’m just over here like - it is not like that!  it is NOT LIKE THAT!  IT HAS LITERALLY NEVER BEEN LIKE THAT.  arthur pendragon in fic sometimes interacts with merlin like - he tilts his head and listens like a therapist and affirms absolutely everything merlin says and tells him ‘gosh, i understand. tell me more. how can i help you’ - he goes about his day thinking about merlin and putting merlin first and i just - i literally have never seen this person before in my life.  who is this man?  who is this unbelievably attentive paragon of caring?  i’ve never met him before.

the entire running problem with merlin and arthur’s friendship in canon is that arthur, while he absolutely does care about merlin, tends to take merlin for granted.  merlin is just another feature of arthur’s landscape, until something dramatic happens and arthur has a little scare and saves merlin’s life, and then things go back to the way they were.  arthur doesn’t See merlin the way he should, not in the ordinary moments.  merlin goes home and spends his evenings thinking about arthur’s life; he ties himself in knots trying to help arthur develop as a person and to keep arthur safe and happy, but arthur just goes home and eats supper with his wife.  arthur does not go home and spend his nights agonizing over how he can improve merlin’s life.  he never once thinks, ‘my purpose on this earth is to serve and support my friend merlin.’  he never feels like he’s supposed to be half of some two-sided coin.  i know people like to give arthur this quality in their fic - and that’s totally fine, of course, it’s fic, have as much fun as you want - but in canon, that is just not something arthur pendragon does.  it’s not who he is shown to be.  

and yet almost every time when i go to explore fandom, i find that the person who does put merlin first in canon is perpetually elbowed aside for this extremely generous interpretation of everyone’s favorite prince.  

and i just...i always try to find the good bits in everything, and i am sometimes willing to overlook a ship i don’t personally enjoy if there’s something else about the piece that i think is great, but there’s only so many times i can read the sentence “merlin had never felt like this with anyone, not even will” in fics where merlin and will are supposed to have been dating or even married/engaged, or “will was merlin’s best friend, but he just didn’t understand” (not like arthur, of course, who merlin literally just met a week ago), or “will was great, but there was only so much of him merlin could stand in one sitting/will was great, but he was best enjoyed in small doses.”  there’s only so many times i can read a hundred different variations of that before i start to get real grumpy.  and that’s not even touching the fics where will’s portrayed less favorably than that, even.  

so, you know.  i feel grumbly about it sometimes, how this particular character is trapped in a perpetual net of always being less-than, when one of the nicest parts of fandom for me is that every character/ship can have an infinitude of possibilities, even the ones i personally think are unbelievably bizarre (which category merlin and will do not even fall into, like - it’s not an incredible leap.  merlin/mordred is a leap, okay; mordred is like seventeen years old!  leon/morgana is a leap - how on earth did that become so popular??? - but will and merlin?  that’s not a leap.)

what is it about will that makes him so tempting to trample over?  will’s only sin in canon was to look at arthur pendragon and pronounce himself utterly unimpressed.  his only crime was to tell merlin ‘this dude isn’t good for you,’ about which fact he was CORRECT, by the way - he is the first person who ever chooses to care about merlin, the first person merlin ever chooses to trust, the first friend who loves real!merlin without needing to be coaxed and convinced and taught that it’s okay.  he is the only one who ever tells merlin ‘you deserve better than this mess,’ the only one for whom merlin has always been priority number one and in whose eyes arthur isn’t even on the map.  merlin’s friendship with will (and lancelot, afterwards) is the healthiest one merlin ever gets to experience, and i wish more fannish material acknowledged it as such, as opposed to using will to set up merlin and arthur’s epic romance.  

all of this, i suppose, is just a very long way of saying that now that i am no longer avoiding spoilers and have actually started testing the waters of the wider fandom, i have come to the obstinate, utterly inflexible conclusion that will deserves his own collection of happy endings, and i don’t care if i have to write them myself.  i’ve already got the gen angle covered.  and even though i’ve never written ship!fic in my life, the fact of the matter is that spite can be a hell of a motivator, and i will bite the bullet and learn how to do it if i have to.  if people can really be out here tagging their merlin/uther fics as “schmoop” (YES. REALLY.) then by GOD, i swear, there are no excuses - this fandom can accommodate literally anything; there’s no reason it can’t accommodate stories where will wins.  let this kid have his good ending.  arthur pendragon can fall in love with merlin 23,830 times despite his and merlin’s ship flying in the face of canon, and that means will deserves his own tiny handful of stories to be actually about him, without his and merlin’s relationship being used solely as a stepping stone on the way to merlin and arthur’s 23,831st triumph.

i am just saying - if uther pendragon can fall in love with merlin and have it tagged as ‘fluff,’ then for the love of all that is good, we can give will his moment.  let will enjoy the respect he should have earned from us when he died saving both merlin and arthur’s lives.  let will be a person in his own right, instead of a plot device sacrificed to the (in)glorious altar of merthur.  let will have an inner life of his own.  let will have a best friend who doesn’t treat him like an accessory to The Greatest Love Story Ever Told.  let will himself live out The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, for once.  let will get his guy.  i may tend to focus on friendship in my own work, but there are a lot of universes out there, and when it comes to someone who has always been so alone, and so singularly focused on merlin’s wellbeing, i’m not entirely sure if friendship even feels anything different to “in love” for will at all, in at least some of these places.

let will have his happy tags.  he’s been on his own for so much of his life - let him have his simple ‘friendship’, his ‘platonic love,’ his ‘found family.’  let him have his lovestruck ‘pining,’ ‘friends-to-lovers,’ ‘angst with a happy ending,’ too, and let him keep those tags for himself.  let characters who aren’t arthur pendragon have their love stories.

i may not care much for shipping, and i would rather read gen any day of the week, but let me tell you right now, i would rather write will and merlin settling down in a haze of domestic bliss 23,830 times before i would ever want to watch merlin ditch him yet again for a dude who never matched merlin’s level of caring and investment in the canon ‘verse.

[arthuronfleck]

Will the Real Joker Please Stand Up?

((a/n: inspired by the jokerverse concept, many thanks to the incredible @gothamslittlejester​ for giving me permission to use it! requested by @nietopesh​, going to tag @tragicarthur​ bc they asked))

warning(s): general violence, roughhousing

Time meant something once.

It was a cruel, unrelenting force that brought with it infinite melancholy and the promise of worse things yet to come. It was the pendulum that kept the monotonous rhythm of life, and though the only thing Arthur dreaded more than time was memory, there was a comfort in the steady cycle of day and night. No such thing existed in Arkham. In Arkham there was only consciousness and unconsciousness, and sleep meant little to Arthur, whom spent his waking hours in the same place, seeing the same unfriendly people, only knowing the world as what he could see from a narrow window. Even his dreams lost substance. A part of him would laugh inside, and wonder if anything had changed at all. The rest of him wept, knowing how much things indeed had changed, and how he loathed himself for not leaving when he could. He didn’t have enough life within him to attempt anymore.

Such thoughts came between rounds of medication switched out before he could even know the names, although he knew the titles of each to be longer than the ones that came before. He’d been used to such a rotation but eventually it reached such a magnitude that it was unmanageable even for him. Eventually Arthur could peek beyond the haze, knowing it was more of a tranquilizer than a treatment. A particularly enthusiastic doctor meant something once, though Arthur couldn’t recall their name or why they’d meant anything at all, or even why they disappeared. Had they existed at all? Likely not; every time he thought of them, they had a new face. Whenever Arkham switched hands- the only guarantee of Arkham being that it would- a fresh batch of goons would appear, bloodthirsty and ready to enjoy the benefits of working in a place so desperate for bodies it would entertain any proposal, so long as it kept its inmates out of sight. That’s when the shocks would start, met with roaring laughter that almost sounded like applause. It felt like he was on stage once more, so eager had they been to watch him squirm and scream and tremble until a warm trickle ran down his leg. Every time. Theirs were the faces he remembered with perfect clarity.

People had roamed the halls once, and Arthur would listen eagerly from his bed, curled on his stomach with his eyes closed. Now only the grunts roamed and when they talked it was only to one another. Arthur laughed for a long time, until he too grew silent. Everything was silent for a long time. Then all at once the world came alive. Sounds of people unlike anything he’d encountered before, like all of a sudden there was so much happening the place seemed to always be bursting at the seams. It seemed like the world remembered Arkham, but it was inconceivable that it would remember him as well. His name felt more like an abstract than an entity. None of it was enough to bring Arthur Fleck back from the dead, and so he lingered in the confines of catatonia.

His body leaned back against the cinderblock, his dull green gaze set on the barred windows adjacent to the stiff bed. It offered a limited view of Arkham’s crumbling brick exterior, a sight so familiar his insides would relish any minuscule change. It was raining again, rhythmic pitter-patter against the window that’d developed a frosty film. It must’ve been winter.  

A pair of lanky legs crossed in their loose confines as Arthur’s cuffed hands rested in the center. He watched blackened rain droplets make their way down the frozen window, nothing in particular playing in his mind. Did he see snow? No; it would be slush at best by the time it hit the ground. What did the grounds outside of Arkham look like? Looking down, he could see only sterile linoleum. He couldn't recall anything else. His world began and ended between the same four walls of concrete and linoleum, with a cold metal door added as a fun addition. There was no need for a mailbox anymore; anything belonging to him found its way through the small slit in the door that only opened from the outside. Not that he received anything beyond pills and lukewarm food.

Sometimes he felt something, but it was awful enough that he’d cry to feel nothing again.

His head hit the cinderblock with force and once more as he choked on air. Then he heard another shove, more forceful like the closing of a door. And again. And again.

A deafening silence fell over the place and Arthur felt at peace to loosen his posture.

Rustling came from the other side of the metal door, like someone fumbling with a string of bells. It felt more like unreality than anything in recent memory; how long ago had he been sentenced to waste away here in utter solitude? More likely than not it was another inmate being summoned, perhaps even released. Or to be poked and prodded like lab rats. Better them than him, at least. But that wasn’t the case.

That wasn’t the case at all.

The door opened with a slow, prolonged creak. Arthur blinked. When his eyes opened the door remained ajar, and when he squeezed his ankle it was there too. He thought to summon his voice as he sat upright, hesitating. If this was a trap, he wouldn’t be the one to fall for it.

The all-white uniform of Arkham’s staff that seemed nearly impossible to differentiate from that of the residents. However, neither inmates nor their reluctant keepers donned spatters of blood below the knee, and that was enough to put Arthur on edge. His brows knitted as a tightness grew in his chest, his fingers digging into the white material of his own scrubs. As his eyes lifted, he grew only more puzzled; a man of a tanned complexion, tall with a far more solid frame than Arthur could boast of, a pair of dark eyes—

—and nearly jumped out of his skin.

It had the face of a man, at least mostly. The top half, with its heavy brows and dark eyes, stood out only for the vibrant green hair that framed it. It felt familiar. But as Arthur’s gaze lowered to take in the rest of him, he noticed protrusions about the man’s mouth. Raised flesh starting at the corners of his lips, stretching all the way to his cheeks. Arthur’s face contorted at the sight, lightened only a little when he noticed the questionably large gun half-hidden behind him. Arthur had never seen anything like it, and that much was painfully obvious.

He spoke without meaning to, strained and sick.

“Kill me.”

The man’s face contorted just as Arthur’s had, and a dismayed grunt let him know that it would at least take more than a pained request.

“Please.”

“Get up.” His voice sounded more like a series of disjointed growls, confusing Arthur even further.

“I don’t know what—”

“UP!” Any semblance of patience seemed to burn out as he barked, gesturing the gun towards Arthur. The man pleading to be shot mere moments ago gave little in the way of a reaction to the threat.

With another glance through the corridor, the man paced towards Arthur. If fear could genuinely grip him, in that moment it edged dangerously close. Not that the encounter would end with his death, rather that it would be a slow and horrific journey to get there. Then again, what had his life been if not horrific? A swell grew in Arthur’s throat as he struggled to vocalize to someone, anyone, what he’d endured for the past eternity—

The barrel of the gun collided with his head and he slumped over.

***

Arthur awoke to a peculiar sound. Maybe not an unusual sound at all, but something so distant and unfamiliar it might as well have been brand new. It took awhile for the world to become still enough to make sense of what was being said. When it did, he heard everything through screeching echoes and saw slivers of color through two large windows on small doors.

“...In other news, U.S. forces have concluded a massive missile strike in Afghanistan in hopes of crippling the country's forces and driving back insurgents…”

The words didn’t register, like meaningful words strung together to create something he couldn’t comprehend. He tried to roll over onto his side, grimacing in pain as he did so. Every time he tried to think a throbbing pain rang in his head. A muffled cry escaped his lips as he tried to bring his knees to his chest, the taste of something heavy and metallic growing stronger with every pained inhale.

“...in response to the attacks several months ago Some are criticizing the States' continued involvement and the president himself, citing needless damages to civilians and military personnel—”

Arthur heard a sharp crack against the dashboard on the other side of the partition and the sound quickly scrambled.

“It’s the holiday season, and Gotham residents are praying for a Christmas miracle to alleviate the tension in our city. We may be waiting until next year’s elections until we have someone who can curb these wannabe gang-bangers. Abnormal really is becoming the new normal—”

“Shut up!” An irate growl sounded from the driver’s seat, and Arthur couldn’t tell who he was shouting at. Either way, he ceased whatever movement he was attempting and merely gritted his teeth.

The sounds changed once more, to a song Arthur had never heard. It was noisier than anything he would’ve listened to, hard as it was to recall what he enjoyed. His eyes focused on the blurring lights as they sped past. How long had it been since he’d seen color? Everything moving too quickly to discern but he couldn’t remember ever seeing a world so vivid. He could see little in the area he occupied, besides all the glistening of the cold metal in the moonlight. He could hear cars all around, and plenty of honking.

“Oh, baby, don't care no more...I know this for sure,”

Arthur took a sharp turn with the car, crying out as the restraints wore against his sore wrists. He shot a frustrated glare at the partition, deciding then if his life was forfeit he would decide what to do with it. Outstretching his already sizable legs, he began to kick at the metal doors of what must’ve been a van, growing louder with each gaining ounce of lucidity.

“People, they don't understand...your girlfriends, they can't understand,”

“Hey, hey!” For the first time, Arthur’s rescuer seemed to speak not with aggression, but barely-restrained laughter. “If you knew where we’re going, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get out!”

“On top of this, I ain't ever gonna understand—”

The radio shut off as soon as the van came to a screeching halt. Arthur heard feet scuffling against gravel for a short eternity until the doors swung open, sending in a gust of frigid air. Arthur could see his liberator- or captor, it seemed- taking labored breaths that created a small gust of vapor, the man himself illuminated by the street light apparently overhead.

“Now,” The man began, hoisting himself into the van and stepping over Arthur’s willowy limbs. “Don’t take me for a snob, but I’ve got to say- we are in a bad neighborhood. So this could be rough.”

Before Arthur could respond to the vaguely worrisome statement, a burlap sack found its way over his head.

Undoing the binding of whatever held the pipe that Arthur’s cuffs were caught on, he gripped the pipe himself and brought Arthur stumbling onto his knees. The sudden movement sent another shockwave of pain shooting through his skull. “And if you try screaming again, it’ll be worse.”

The pipe acted like something of a dog leash, leading Arthur in whatever direction his captor wished. He heard the heavy swing of the door and found himself in a warmer albeit muggier space, able to practically taste the filth with every inhale. Without even seeing it, the decay brought back memories that belonged to another lifetime. With it came pain that escaped words, and when the sounds fell from his lips he felt a gloved hand collide with the back of his skull, sending out another yelp.

“Why are you crying? Those lunatics spend their entire lives trying to do what I did for you on a slow weeknight!”

Arthur wasn’t sure how to answer, feeling a chorus of strained thoughts rushing through his mind. He wanted to lay down as he’d been doing for years. It was hard to stay upright, not that his disjointed stagger could be considered proper.

“My father walked home like that every night.” Despite there being no receptive audience, the man followed up his statement with a disarming laugh. “He’d make it through the door before he just fell out, sort of like,” Without warning, the man gripped Arthur by his scrubs and threw him onto the ground. His mostly-bare figure collided with the concrete, making him cry as his skin made contact. Before he knew it, his restrained wrists were being manipulated until they stayed hoisted against something. Something uncomfortably hot, something that set a panic deep inside of Arthur. The sack was carelessly ripped from him, and he could make out yet another dank, dreary room. There weren’t any windows save for a few directly below the ceiling, and he had to strain his eyes to see anything.

Arthur could see that his captor was very pleased that he could see.

***

The Joker stood in front of a dirty mirror, rubbing a menthol-scented oil into his skin. He shuddered as his fingers lightly grazed the scarred surface. His voice kept to a low hum, low enough to easily hear every happening on the other side of the wall. He wasn’t a man to lose himself in thought; his constant guard evaded the need for restful sleep, whatever new pains appeared or whatever passing fancy might’ve otherwise captivated him. Wherever the switch came from, the Joker was too far gone to turn it off.

His fingers grazed the rusted metals cluttering the counter, searching until he touched a pair of panties haphazardly strewn atop it. He recoiled with a hiss, grabbing the garment and tossing it back towards the bathtub. Underneath like a hidden treasure were the Joker’s supplies- not his favorite, but the most appropriate for the occasion. Yanking off the unscrewed lid, he slapped a dollop of white makeup over his face, applying it to his face in rough, streaky strokes. With the white residue remaining, he found a nearly-emptied black can and continued.

When he finished, he smoothed his hands over the lapels of his purple suit. His operation was funded by some of the most generous donors in Gotham, no matter how unwilling. He stood hunched over in his odd sort of posture, staring into his own black eyes on the other side of the mirror. Without warning, he turned to the door and sent it flinging outwards with a forceful kick.

In the darkness he could see the figure in the corner curl in on itself, bringing a smile to his face- one that never really left. His gloved hand felt around for the switch until flicking it on, casting the room in a sterile, fluorescent light. If the Joker grimaced it was difficult to discern through the heavy black makeup.

If Arthur feared him before, now he was terrified.

A steady trickle of dried blood caked down his forehead from a gash buried somewhere beneath his dark curls, tears falling down his cheeks at the same pace as his quick, shallow breaths. Arthur felt something build inside of him, almost like he was slowly learning how it felt to be alive again. He didn’t like it.

“Enough of that,” The Joker gestured at him. “I went to all that trouble for you. Not some,” Grimacing, he delivered a soft kick if only to amuse himself with the soft yelp that escaped the smaller man’s lips. He fell against the radiator, alternating between sweating and shivering. “Limp pool noodle. I want Arthur Fleck.”

Hearing his name brought something of a presence back into Arthur’s eyes. Someone knew his name without introduction; that meant he must’ve been real. A complete stranger knew his name. All of a sudden his demeanor shifted to a silent curiosity as he loosened himself a bit, still bracing himself for another blow.

“My name is Arthur,” Arthur spoke quietly, taking in the other man. “What’s yours?”

“My name, yes. My name.” He spat the last word like venom, bringing an instinctive jump from Arthur. Letting out a pitiful tsk, Arthur’s captor lurched over him, black eyes meeting a fearfully inquisitive green. “I’m a twister, you know. I take this world as it is, boring and insufferable, and I twist it. To give it meaning.” He smiled wickedly at an irony his audience would never understand. “You see, when you decided to settle into your little hovel, you already changed things. No going back—” He leaned forwards. “They didn’t like the establishment, so they fought against it. Then a new one shows up and they just frolic towards it, like sheep to the slaughter.” Each phrase seemed to be pronounced with a gesture, only setting Arthur more on edge. “So the mobsters, these little gang-bangers who wanted to rule the world crying about their,” He rolled his eyes as he contemplated. “Plans. See, they had a plan for this city. They wanted a routine.”

The Joker grabbed hold of Arthur’s hand as it was restrained by the cuffs, beginning to slowly twist. “So I took their little routine,” He continued to twist, slow enough to make every second stretch into hours. “And I twisted it. I took their money, their guns, their goons,” He spat. “Their girls, sometimes. If she was into it.” A wide grin grew on his face, unnatural. “All of it with nothing. Nothing but a- simple dream. I twisted this city and I bent it over my knee.”

Arthur’s brows furrowed in pained confusion, unable to process one word before the rest were thrown at him. “You don’t have to hurt me. I understand you without—” He grimaced at the other man’s grip. “—without all that.”

“Really?” He twisted more, until Arthur was certain his wrist would snap. Was everything supposed to remind him of Arkham? “I don’t think you do. You see,” He licked his lips. “I did all of that, but I couldn’t let them think I was a stranger to this place. God, no— these newcomers are a dime a dozen. I needed to show them I was one of a kind, and so I chose something they were familiar with. Or maybe they chose me.”

Speaking between Arthur’s pained cries, the Joker allowed a lingering moment of silence to pass until freeing the other man of his vice-like grip. “But no matter what I did, they always, always,” As his glare pierced through Arthur, he had to wonder if it was the radiator making him sweat so profusely. “Always had to bring you into it. They started every time with the comparisons and the whinging, expecting the same old routine! Here I was, having to hear story after story about how you changed things when I was right there taking the city out from under their noses!”

He licked his lips. “So I started a game. Every time someone brought you up, I shot them. But they kept coming. You were inside of this city even after they locked you up.”

Arthur couldn’t keep up, yet one sentiment echoed in his head. People remembered him.  

What good did that do?

At the same time, it brought a thrill. A reassurance of his existence, one not limited by the shortcomings of his imagination.

“Here I was, ready to be the enema Gotham deserves. But you just,” He let out a laugh. “You just wouldn’t get out. Those masks— they were everywhere. Mocking me.” A disgusted anger infected a tone that had just seconds ago been jovial. So that became my new purpose; to show them all how gone you really were.”

“As I’m running in every direction, doing more than you ever did,” He cleared his throat, keeping himself just above Arthur. “I start to hear these rumors. About a giant bat who shows up just in time, ready to beat everyone to a pulp but never enough to finish them off. At first, you know— these thugs are never bright. They don’t know what they’re talking about. But I keep hearing about it, no matter how many guys I get rid of. So I get to thinking,” Eyeing the dried blood on Arthur’s face, he let out a low grumble. “Why don’t I find out for myself if this thing is real? I did everything I could— I had to kill a lot of people. But I found my answer.”

Once more he cleared his throat. “So now the mobs are afraid, and it’s the cops who want a turn running things. Why not? No one did anything— no one had balls anymore!” He moved slowly forward. “So I took their new order, and I twisted it again. I’m taking away their precious shield.” His voice lowered. “You’re going to help me.”

“I can’t.” Arthur admitted sheepishly. “I’m sorry,” His voice was strained as he tried to keep his composure. “I was never supposed to get out of that place. I tried. I tried my entire life—”

His story was ended before it could even begin. Before he could form his next word, he heard a hiss and all of a sudden felt a tight grip on his jaw. He thought it would crack. Worst of all, he felt a frigid cold against the corner of his lips.

“We’re going to try this again,” Arthur’s captor licked his lips for the umpteenth time, all patience gone from his voice. “Now, I don’t think you listened to the first story. At all. So we’re going to try another one, okay? When I was,” He looked as if he was trying to remember. “Younger, I was a lot like you. I was small, skin and bones. But I was always good boy. Kept my head down, looked after my family, did what I could— what little I could— to make things just a little better. I wanted to leave this place better than it was when I wandered into it.” He kept the knife against Arthur’s lips, feeling the other man tremble beneath the blade. “So I was headed to work one day to do just that. I come across these,” He hesitated. “Men. They’re big and they’re mean, not friendly at all. They ask me what I’m smiling for. They did nothing different than I did, but they were miserable. So they start beating me up real bad and I’m begging them to stop.”

Arthur’s eyes were huge as the man continued, hot tears pooling against his cool gloves. Arthur could taste something metallic.

“So one of them takes out a knife,” The Joker drew in a sharp breath. “ Just like this one. The others hold me down and he’s carving me up, and he asks me,” As the Joker’s grip threatened to push down Arthur could feel him trembling. “Why so serious?”

As the Joker went to move, he felt it. Slowly at first, then all at once. A sickly, shaking laugh. It felt strained yet unstoppable, building with an obnoxious moment.

That was enough for the knife to fall, a satisfied smile on the Joker’s face as he watched Arthur collapse into a laughing fit.

Standing up, he made his way across the room, broken glass crunching beneath his boots until he reached a metallic panel in the wall. The Joker gave it a good knock and soon it raised, a small array of masked goons waiting in a loose circle.

Arthur strained to see them in the dark and through the blur of tears, although he could vaguely make out figures and masks. He could make out one, so gigantic he’d have to be blind to miss him. Another with honey-colored hair tied in a low ponytail, at least until they turned around and looked like any other masked figure. Another had no distinguishing features, save for the cartoonishly large gun they carried. Several others stood around, and Arthur had to laugh at the absurdity of it all- not that he had a choice at the moment. The old reflex had returned with a vengeance.

Only laughter filled the otherwise deathly quiet space, echoing through the tall ceilings.

“So about my name,” The purple figure spoke, turning to look at Arthur once more. “I am the Joker.”

Without further regard, the Joker headed into the darkened room. “Clean him up,” The Joker spoke to none in particular, knowing all of them would listen. “It’s time we treat our new friend to an early Christmas.”

*** to be continued...maybe.

((final a/n: thanks for reading if you stuck with me to the end :) this is my first fanfiction endeavor i’ve ever published and i’m really nervous to share it, but i hope you like it! if you have any requests my inbox is always open))

[jamesmarlowe]

『ANTON THIEMKE ❙ CIS-MALE』 ⟿ looks like JAMES MARLOWE is here for HIS SENIOR year as a FINE ARTS student. He is 21 years old & known to be CLEVER, INVENTIVE, UNRELIABLE & EGOTISTICAL. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ SLOTH. 25. EST. SHE/HER.

hi hello welcome 2 my twisted mind ☺️ marlowe is a character i’m still fine-tuning bc he’s brand-new, so this is unfortunately.... a bit of a mess.... and mostly made up on the spot.... c’est la vie!!

(a late addition but u can also peep his weheartit collection here 4 some vibes)

his government name is james marlowe but he only goes by marlowe & only introduces himself as marlowe like he’s madonna or sting....  most ppl who know him (apart from like close friends) probably don’t even know what his first name is. maybe he doesn’t have one!

hails from Appalachia, specifically a trailer park in a poor-as-dirt stretch of Virginia where he was born n raised, baby. he’s Appalachian white trash and not afraid to admit it. marlowe’s very casual about his upbringing and his dumpster fire of a family (no less than three relatives are currently incarcerated, one of which is his older brother who’s probably serving a minor sentence for whatever dumb shit Tim Riggins got got for in FNL or like, selling illegal fireworks out of his trunk :/ ). the only thing he’s a little self-conscious about is his twang which he’s mostly suppressed by now, but other than that, he’s got no shame in where he comes from bc lbr no authentic artist ever came from money anyway!

born sandwiched in the middle of five siblings, marlowe’s always been wild and creative and impulsive, a loud-mouthed kid with too much to say for his own good, prone 2 getting in trouble but learning absolutely nothing from it. it was his mission in life to be Different from all the other kids who grew up where he grew up, with the way he talked, dressed, acted, because he knew that he was destined for bigger n better things so it was just a matter of getting other ppl to believe it, & then seeing how far a little talent and a lot of charisma would take him >:)

from age 8 onwards, he told people he was an “artist” and that became his primary identity. when he was 16 he completed an independent sculpture project (called “Skyscraper”) where he constructed a 20-foot tower made out of junk collected from around the trailer park and then glued Barbies n other dolls all clawing over each other to get to the top, smack dab in the middle of Main Street and refused to take it down even when the local fire department showed up 2 threaten him with fines. it did eventually get taken down bc it was ‘structurally unsound’ and someone nearly got concussed by a falling mannequin head, but at least it got some attention from local newspapers and w/ that as the crown jewel in his portfolio, marlowe got into a few different art/liberal arts schools the following year. radcliffe was the only one who offered a partial scholarship and the east coast sounded nice n far from home, so anyways lets go ✈️ college 

FAST FORWARD its senior year babey and marlowe’s been making the most of his time here at radcliffe. he’s a fine arts major but specializes in mixed media sculptures (and probably is really shit at most of his other classes, like art theory where u actually have to read textbooks? still life drawing? boring. yawn. won’t do it.) his entire profile as an artist i’m cribbing from Rachel Harrison bc I saw her exhibition at the whitney a little while ago and her sculptures made me go ?????¿¿¿¿¿ which i think is exactly the kind of bizarre nonsense that marlowe is going for with his “art”. feast your eyes on these masterpieces. the joke of it all is that marlowe is the first to admit that his art isn’t like.... good. but his philosophy is that if people respond to it & praise it like it’s art, then by definition, it’s art. and if it gets him places (like it got him onto Cultured Magazine’s “30 Young Artists To Watch This Decade″ list), then yeehaw!

When he’s not busy creating new monstrosities, marlowe takes one fat nap per day (usually at a time when he has class) and is otherwise a very social creature who needs constant attention. he’s got a lot of friends and is always looking to make more, not in a #fake way but just as a person who genuinely likes being around people. he very quickly gets bored if left on his own, so he’s prone to following people around campus like a stray cat regardless of whether or not they tell him to shoo. he dorms at Noland but is almost always found in other houses, often crashing in other people’s rooms (needs to be close to his friends or He’ll Die), and he definitely frequents parties, bc marlowe never passes up an opportunity to drink other people’s booze and get a lil messy and Chaotic. he’s [jim halpert voice] not a slut, but who knows? he’s kinda a slut! he’s also definitely pulled another stunt similar to Skyscraper by taking over the quad for a guerrilla art installation with his sculptures (and without the school’s permission oops) which may be the basis for some connections if ppl know him from that particular exploit!!

in summary..... marlowe can be a bit up his own ass at times, but being around him is generally a Good Time bc he’s easy-going and friendly and always down for anything, always. litcherally zero impulse control so nothing gets in the way of a dumb idea that might potentially make for a good story. perhaps he’s not the most reliable person, so don’t expect a prompt text back if ur in a life or death situation, and he doesn’t care very much about anything, so ur setting urself up for disappointment if you do expect him to care about something (the fact that he’s never been in a long-term relationship... very telling). all he wants to do is just have! fun all the time! he’s trying to scam his way into the American Dream with his dumb art, so that he can live a good life and maybe get rich and famous and eventually party at Art Basel in Miami with Frank Ocean! is that really so much to ask!

appearance: marlowe’s very vain and a lot of thought goes into his appearance even when (especially when) it doesn’t look like he’s done anything but roll straight out of bed. all of his outfits are as outrageous as his sculptures are ugly. think mismatched prints and loud colors, silk shirts gaping open like he got tired after the first three buttons, a pawn’s shop worth of jewelry, weird dangly earrings w/ feathers or tiny charms, tinted yellow or pink sunglasses, sometimes a bandana around his neck, just for extra flavor. his hair always has to look perfectly tousled; u can catch him checking out his reflection in pretty much every mirrored surface. at least half the surface area of his body is covered in tattoos & he’ll suggest getting more during every drunken night out, which... is why he has so many by now!

connections: to be quite honest its 2 am and i feel all of my higher brain functions shutting down so i’m gonna make these very simple n straightforward, but we can always workshop!!!! pls feel free to message me even if none of these strike ur fancy :0)

peers in the arts - friends, acquaintances, rivals, probably some former group project members holding a grudge....

fellow party animals who don’t mind sharing when marlowe inevitably mooches off their alcohol and drugs :)

unlikely friends!!!!! it’d be fun to have a friendship dynamic with someone who’s very different from him!!

a roommate in Noland... possibly one he’s not on good terms w/... even tho marlowe hardly EVER sleeps in his own dorm room, he uses it as a storage locker for all his “found” art materials. i can imagine that living in that mess would try the limits of anyone’s sanity :)  

enemies - they can hate his whole Genius Artist shtick and they’d be valid :/

fellow insomniacs! marlowe is very much a night owl (regular naps during the day may be 2 blame but oh well) so he needs a fellow nocturnal to hit up the late-night McDonald’s drive thru with him and then lay on the grass lookin at the stars and contemplating life’s great mysteries while eating chicken mcnuggets 

exes - idk if u can even call them tht when his past “relationships” have all had a lifespan of six weeks or less, but hey there’s drama in that too!!

fwb - i don’t think marlowe’s the type 2 be juggling too many fwb/hook-ups at one time simply because That’s A Lot of Work. that being said... he never likes to sleep alone ;)