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ickle-ronniekins · 5 years ago

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duet | see you soon then

DUET MASTERLIST

NOTE FOR ALL READERS: this is an installment of a series. the masterlist for a catch-up is linked above. this particular chapter is to fall between [im]mature and silky smooth. thanks!

desc: things had been a bit rocky when the twins told you they were leaving hogwarts before graduation. you’d been so hellbent and obsessed on spending time with george that you’d sort of neglected fred. emotions are running high, but the three of you fall into a comfortable routine and suddenly you’re bursting at the seams with happiness. but since it’s finally time for them to leave, you have absolutely no luck in trying to suppress your tears. they’re making their dreams come true, so why is it so damn hard to say goodbye right now?

a/n: yo! sorry its been a while. school has been kicking my ass and also I genuinely had no inspiration to write this chapter. it was actually supposed to look a little different which is what I think was evidently holding me back. but leeann’s the best and has been incredibly patient with me as I worked through my writer’s block and we bounced ideas off of one another. i..... am so sorry for this. full masterlist is linked above, loves.

word count: 3.4k

warning(s): just sadness bc boys are leaving :(

Things had been… tense, to say the least. Your arguments with both of your best mates had caused quite a bit of discomfort between you all. And not to mention that the Easter holidays were rapidly approaching, which only seemed to speed up the pounding in your chest.

You’d been making progress, though, coming around to the idea of finishing school without them. What an incredible opportunity this was for them, wasn’t it? While your feelings of dread and sadness were still very much prominent, you couldn’t help but be bursting at the seams with pride, too.

They were damn brilliant individuals and it was about time more people recognized that, right?

It still didn’t lessen the pain in your heart, though. It only seemed to elevate it. But you supposed, you’d only learn to grow from it.

The three of you had fallen into a somewhat comfortable routine. Spending lots of time with one another -- you’d also been very conscious about how much time you spent chasing after George. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself any further than you already had. Plus, you’d sadly forgotten how lovely it was to be with just Fred -- he was your absolute best mate, after all, and while yes, there had been times when the two of you had very angrily bumped heads, it only made your friendship that much stronger. You owed it to him. You owed it to yourself.

And you’d taken to spending more time with the Gryffindors too, when that ghastly toad look-a-like of a woman wasn’t around. What she didn’t know wouldn’t kill her. They were your friends, too, after all -- Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Neville -- the lot of them. And by the light of the common room fire reflecting in Fred’s eyes, and the very bright grin George had painted onto his face nearly every evening, you were pretty certain they were genuinely happy to have you there.

“What’s this one?”

“Ah -- an extension of our latest and greatest inventions, Y/N,” Fred beamed, examining his own creation as he twirled it in his fingers, “Wildfire Whizbangs.”

“You mean you’ve created something even bigger than those blasted fireworks you’d let loose in the courtyard a few weeks ago?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re about to set the bloody Great Hall on fire -- I’ve got exams coming up, you know.”

George laughed and pulled out yet another wildly vibrant colored whizbang from their trunk. “Can’t make any promises.”

You’d been spending so much time in their common room, in fact, that people had just ended up making you an honorary Gryffindor. You did miss yours, though -- the warmth hues of the yellow lining, the cozy armchairs near the fire with books next to it stacked so high they touched the ceiling, the tiny, potted plants on the windowsill. You were placed in Hufflepuff after all, so it was only normal that you’d miss the coziness of your own spot.

You couldn’t help it, though. You found yourself with your friends until the late hours of the evening, and sometimes you’d ever crash in the girls’ dormitory in Gryffindor tower because it was far too late to even attempt to sneak back down to your own common room, and the boys didn’t want you to risk getting into some type of trouble. Who’d have thought? The Kings of Mischief, worried about you getting into trouble. The irony was wonderfully funny.

You’d even found yourself working less and less on your assignments, just to spend time with them. It was, truthfully, the closest the three of you had been since you’d met. Absolutely nothing could squash your happiness.

Until you realized one evening when you were pulling on your silk pyjamas and thinking about how good things had been, that you had exactly one week left with them. One week. Seven days. Most of which would be spent studying for exams.

Some type of knot shot up into your throat and you found that your eyes had begun to water more so than normal. Sometimes, you couldn’t quite believe the effect this was having on you.

And so you swallowed down your feelings and forced yourself to sleep, hoping that the next day, you wouldn’t think about the limited time you had left with them before they fled school, but only about just how much you enjoyed your time with them.

-- -

“Please don’t cry. If you cry, I’ll cry, and I’m a bloody ugly crier.”

You knew that Fred was doing his best to make you laugh. He always had a particular knack for making you burst out into giggles at the most inappropriate of times. But even so, the mischievous glimmer in his eye and the lopsided grin on his face couldn’t make you laugh. Not this time.

You’d sort of distanced yourself this last week. Not purposefully, mind you, but because there was studying to be done. You had exams, didn’t you? And the boys needed to pack all of their belongings for their adventure into adulthood. It sounded so silly when you thought about it. But it also sent a soul-crushing feeling straight through your body.

You hated crying in front of them. Sure, you were a bit dramatic at times, but you tried your absolute hardest not to break down in front of them if you could help it. But this was different, you reckoned. This was them leaving with a permanence that could not be undone. This was goodbye… for now.

“I -- I’m just --” your voice sounded raspy and weak, like someone was gripping your vocal cords and strangling them. You watched through blurred vision as Fred’s lower lip began to wobble, and he bit down on it to keep you from noticing. But you noticed. Of course you did. How could you not? You knitted your brows together to keep the tears from falling, but your emotions were far too high for anything to work. You searched desperately for the words that were filling up your heart, though were proving very difficult to leave your lips. “I’m.. I’m really…”

And Fred, who found himself sometimes turning to mush around you, let his shoulders collapse as tears welled up in his eyes, too. He couldn’t believe they were really doing this -- really leaving. Hogwarts had been their home away from home for so many years, and you, the second sister he didn’t know he needed.

When he spoke, his voice didn’t have the usual cheeky sound to it, that mischievous tone you grew to know and love so much. It was soft, and tired, and pleading with you to please not be angry. You could hear it in the way that he said, “I know,” before pulling you into his chest. He interwove his fingers in your hair and pressed his lips to your forehead before sucking in a breath. You tugged gently on the drawstring hanging from his sweatshirt. It was hard to stay mad at either of them. You forced your eyes shut and bit down hard on your bottom lip, causing you to suck in another breath due to the pain. You felt your heart snap perfectly in half when you heard his voice shake a bit. “I’m really going to miss you, too.”

That was one of the most intimate moments you’d ever shared with Fred, letting each other cry into one another’s shoulders. The vulnerability hanging in the air between you both was so intense, it almost didn’t seem real. But as quickly as this new side of Fred had appeared, it vanished when he pulled away from you and held onto your shoulders to steady you. He sniffled a bit and tried to nonchalantly wipe away a tear from his eye. “But you’re coming to visit, yeah? First thing after graduation?”

“Of course,” you playfully swatted him with the sleeve of your robe. “Have got to make sure you two don’t find yourselves in any mischief, right?”

Fred threw his head back and laughed. “Great thing about our shop is that mischief is more than welcomed, darling.”

You both continued to laugh through tears, until everything became still and silent between you both. You bit down on your bottom lip again and repeated the address back to him very slowly. “Number 93 Diagon Alley.”

“Number 93 Diagon Alley,” he echoed you. His grin was so large, you began to see traces of that thirteen-year-old boy you’d first met all those long years ago. He was so excited, wasn’t he? You felt a pull at your heart. And you were so excited for them. “I love you, kid. Don’t forget to write, and definitely don’t forget to study. Molly Weasley would be so disappointed.”

He pulled you in for another hug before making his way down the corridor. You folded your arms across your chest and raised an eyebrow. “You? The King of avoiding schoolwork at all costs is actually telling me to study?”

“What can I say?” Fred shrugged his shoulders. Your best mate. Your best mate in the entire world, known for his pranks and laughter and everything in between was pointing a finger at you and telling you to get a jump start on your school work, like he’d done a complete one-eighty. “You just bring out this side of me.”

“I love you, you absolute git.”

“I love you more.”

Your breathing intensified as he vanished down the corridor.

“Wow,” you heard a voice from behind you, “can’t believe you somehow got my brother to tell you to study. What has the world come too?”

When you whirled around to come face to face with George, his face was an exact carbon copy of Fred’s -- but his sparkling eyes and lopsided grin made your insides twist in a way that Fred’s didn’t. All you wanted to do was run up to your dorm and cry, thinking about the entirety of your schooling where you could’ve been wrapped up in his arms if he’d just felt the same way. But that wouldn’t help you in any way. You had to be thankful for what you had.

“It definitely won’t be the same with you two gone.”

You couldn’t help it -- the words escaped you before you could register your own thoughts. You could see George’s expression fill with guilt, something that had been happening more often than not, so you offered him a tremendous grin that split your face in half, despite the tears that were falling generously now. You stuck your hand out to pull him into you. “I hope you know how proud I am of you both.”

He breathed a sigh of relief, took your hand in his and walked toward you. He pulled you into a bone crushing embrace, one you’d definitely feel the effects of a few days from now. He cradled your head in his hand the exact same way Fred did, and also placed a kiss onto your hair, but the way your blood bubbled at his touch was so very different from the way you felt with your best friend.

“I just want to thank you.”

“For what?”

“For.. everything.” George’s voice was raspy. He pulled away from you but didn’t let go. He slid his hands across your shoulders and down your arms before intertwining his fingers with yours. He slowly caressed his thumbs over the tops of your hands as he chose his words carefully. “For being my best friend, for believing in this ridiculous idea, for dealing with my antics. For everything, all of it. I reckon Hogwarts would not have been the same had I not met you in Charms.”

“It was my favorite lesson, you know.”

“Mine, too.”

You forced yourself to continue to smile at him through your tears, because you didn’t want you blubbering like an idiot to be the last thing he’d see before leaving the castle. As if this entire exchange hadn’t been dramatic enough, you were really considering telling him how you felt -- right as he left. You could shout out I love you!, couldn’t you? It would be the perfect time, too, because he’d already be off and you could run up to your dormitory without worrying about having to face him or your own intense feelings! The words were right there, on the tip of your tongue --

“Save a pygmy puff for me, yeah?”

But those were the words that spoke instead.

George raised his eyebrows and held up a finger. “Oh! That reminds me. Have got something for you.” You threaded your eyebrows together in confusion as he reached into his pocket. He very gently pulled out a ribbon, the colour a perfect blend of purple and pink, same as the puffs, with sparkles dancing across it as if it were charmed. Which, knowing George, it probably was. He fiddled with it slightly in his hands before looking up to meet your gaze. “You’ve inspired us. Got a whole line of these things in the works. So I want you to do me a favour.”

Your voice was a whisper. You’d nearly forgotten how to formulate coherent sentences. “What?” you asked him.

He then took a very deep breath and reached out to move your hair. He gently placed the ribbon behind your ears and tied it into a small bow on the top of your head. “When you’re feeling poorly about your exams, or about finishing school, or about anything, because I know you will -- put this on. Think of us. And just remember that we’re only a letter away until graduation, alright?”

As he watched more tears well up in your eyes, he considered telling you the truth: that it had been him this whole time, sending you these letters and gifts. It’d been him since the beginning, he’d just been too afraid to tell you. He wet his lips and watched as you brought your fingers to the ribbon and touched it gently. He was going to do it, it was time. Probably a few years too late, but he couldn’t worry about that now. He was leaving in five bloody minutes, and he had to seize his chance, when the vulnerability was thick and the emotions were high and he wasn’t going to chicken out completely --

But just as he found his confidence, Fred softly called his name from round the bend before disappearing again. You threw your arms around the back of George’s neck and stood on the tips of your toes to hug him. There was no mistaking the sound of your wobbly voice in his ears -- you were crying fully now. “I’m going to miss you.”

If his emotions weren’t sky high, he would’ve noticed just how easily the tears came to the front of his eyes at your simple, five word phrase.

“I’m going to miss you, too.”

He wished it could be yesterday, or the day before. Or last month. Or last year. He wanted to be back in Charms in your third year. He wished he could go back in time, any amount of time, just to have more with you, because this couldn’t possibly be the end. It couldn’t be.

Through sniffles and sobs and the cracks in your voice, he swore he heard you say, “I love you.”

Fire shot through his veins, but bloody hell, he didn’t have time to unload all of that. Fred was calling his name again. “I love you, too.”

George pressed his lips to your hairline and stayed there like that for a few more seconds you wished could last a lifetime. You didn’t even bother trying to hide your tears anymore -- they were cascading down your cheeks, and violent sobs were involuntarily escaping from your overused lungs. Every single ounce of your body hurt due to all of the crying you’d been doing the last couple of days. It felt so stupid and so dramatic and so absolutely awful, because the truth was, it was only a couple of months until you saw them again. Until you saw him again. A few months was nothing.

But the idea of being here without them hurt more than you could begin to fathom.

When he pulled away, you noticed how red and blotchy his cheeks were alongside his bloodshot eyes, his messy hair. But you beamed at him again and squeezed his hand and said, “Congratulations,” and watched him as his fingers let go of yours and he walked toward the other end of the corridor.

“Hey,” you called, thinking of something. George spun around quickly and peered longingly at you. You just needed a few more seconds or so. “How’re you two getting out of here, anyway? You know Umbridge has all the entrances sealed. You think it’s going to work, whatever you two’ve got planned?” There was a sliver of selfishness that hoped it didn’t, but you suppressed it. You were overflowing with pride for your best friends.

And then there he was -- that young boy filled with adventure and reckless abandon, looking at you as if only seeing you for the very first time. His grin deepened when he replied, “Don’t worry -- it’s in typical Weasley fashion.” He stopped in his tracks and placed his hands in his pockets, and peered at you with a type of intense sincerity that made every muscle in your body ache all over again. “I’ll see you soon, then?”

Your lip quivered again. “Yeah,” you replied, willing yourself to believe it. You would. “I’ll see you soon, then.”

You shook your head at him and watched as he disappeared around the bend, but not before that signature wink he loved to offer.

About thirty minutes later, after you’d had a good cry and rinsed the runny mascara off of your cheeks and from underneath your eyes, you heard a bit of yelling from inside the castle. You were sitting in the courtyard basking in the glorious spring weather, forcing yourself to focus on what you needed to study, when a group of students began to huddle near the windows.

Confused, you shut your spellbook and wandered over to where they were gathered, wondering what the bloody hell could be going on inside. Weren’t the fifth years supposed to be taking their OWLs?

And then two red headed figures zoomed out of the castle on their broomsticks, followed by a firework dragon the size of the real dragon Harry had fought just last year, with more sparklers and pyrotechnics behind them brightening up the sky. Students flooded into the courtyard and cheers were nearly shaking the whole entire structure of the castle. You looked around at all of the students, beaming with exuberance, and wondered just how many of the Wildfire Whizbangs had gotten caught in Umbridge’s hair, setting it aflame. You smiled to yourself and began to clap, too.

For as blue as you felt, you were ten times happier for them.

George and Fred were now hovering in the air beneath a very large firework in the shape of a ‘W’. Fred was busy cheering along with the crowd, clearly pleased with the feedback from all of the students -- and even some teachers. Was that Flitwick he spotted below? Had he made his Charms teacher proud?

But George wasn’t cheering -- he was focused. Focused on scanning the crowd, focused on bouncing his eyes from student to student until he found the familiar one he was looking for.

“You alright, Georgie?” Fred called over the roar of the dragon, now swimming through the clouds.

“Yeah,” George replied, though he didn’t fully believe it -- not until he saw you, in the middle of a sea of Ravenclaws, peering up at the two of them with nothing but admiration plastered onto your face. George breathed another sigh of relief and didn’t take his eyes off of you. He couldn’t. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

“To new adventures!” Fred cheered and raised his hands in delight. More students began to scream and cheer and wave to them from the grounds. He proceeded to do a backflip on his broomstick in the air.

When your eyes met his from below, he watched as your smile slowly grew a bit larger and your clapping became more exuberant. He could already count down the bloody days until you were finished with school and walking through the front doors of their shop, a grin on your face so large it could cure diseases! But for now, you had to study, and he had a business to run.

He turned toward his brother, who had never looked more excited or proud in all his years. George stuck out his hand for a high-five as he wobbled slightly on his broom. To Fred, George replied, “To new adventures, mate.”

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thrashxunreal · 3 years ago

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lots of end of year thoughts even though i ended up in a truly vile mood on actual new year's and decided not to even recap the year even for myself because i just felt so awful about myself and my life that particular day

but regardless i really can't argue with the fact that there were highs this year that still feel like a fever dream... the biggest being going on tour which is still such a mindfuck and today i was re-reminded of it because someone on the crew who I had far too few conversations with found me on instagram and followed me, and i was just like oh yeah that was a really weird but unimaginably amazing thing that i was given the opportunity to do. now i have a tattoo to remind me of what that experience was like and to remind me to just say yes to things for that reason

also in professional terms [which i completely forgot to share because it happened as soon as i got to nashville] i got hired officially full time at my job, which means i'm salaried with a raise and have benefits now... which is so so so much more stability than I have ever had and it's relieving to not feel like I'm immediately going to be fired at all times for just being the expendable one. and separately, I also got told by a venue that i really love that whenever I want to shoot shows there all i have to do is ask. that got weird with covid spiking here but I'm certainly taking advantage of that, possibly even this month

over the summer I also went to new orleans with my best friend and it was the most incredible experience and i came to realize it's the only real vacation i've ever taken as an adult... Being friends with and even living with someone are their own things, but I genuinely realize that I love traveling with them too and there's no one I would rather do it with & now we're talking about going to europe this year...

and on one of the last days of the year I invited that same friend to go on this adventure that i originally intended to go on alone just for photo purposes - which was to go to this literal trash beach that's technically illegal to go to because of some slightly radioactive material that was found there once - and we didn't even know if we'd be able to get to it once we traveled an hour and a half there or if it would be worth going to but they trusted my desire to go anyway and the day ended up being so surreal and magical that i can barely describe it. we just scavenged neat litter from decades ago and every time a wave hit it sounded like wind chimes from all the glass pieces clinking together and the temperature was perfect and the only people we saw the entire day were two women, who kind of reminded us of older versions of ourselves, leaving the trail holding some collected treasures right where there's a gate to ward off trespassers as soon as we got off the bus i bartended on new year's eve until 4am and we were open until 8am so i stayed and hung out after my shift because my vile mood improved and naturally one of the first customers through the door after midnight was the dude i hooked up with on That Awful Night and then ghosted even though he still has my expensive ring at his apartment lmao life really decided to hand me a dose of "you need to deal with this unfinished business whether you like it or not" and I actually did?? I'll admit I was already kinda drunk at that point but I was super honest about how I really need my ring back (it's still safe) and that I wasn't really looking to hook up again (even though he still continues to hit on me) and even got a nice little confirmation that i didn't have to be concerned about the possibility of us having unprotected sex that i couldn't remember (i do actually trust his word there bc he's annoying but not really a scumbag)

Then the next day i had a hangover brunch at my friend's artist loft apartment and we just got bagels and went grocery shopping and had a nice conversation about how we really miss living together and now i'm actually going to pack up my life and move in with them again.... massive new year's day decisions but ultimately something that will even out financially very quickly (my rent is going to be literally half of what my current apartment is) and I think it's just going to make me happy?? I wanted to last a full year in my current place but I just need to be happy

#personal #lmao this is an essay

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roominthecastle · 5 years ago

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Since you listened to Mofftiss talk about EP 3, did you get why they didn’t want to show the Agatha / Dracula connection until the end? I read your post about it, but it was still a bit unclear as to why. Because they even said something along the lines of “it was hard pressed to keep that hidden until the end”, did they talk about it with the other episodes. Did you listen to the others? Just drama-vise I’m curious as to why, when it’s more common to play with that energy instead of hide it.

I’ve listened to the three episode companion podcasts + the bonus audio commentary for ep 3, and, as far as I can remember, they only touch on this particular topic twice, saying:

It felt very moving when he was lying across “Zagatha” on the table, drinking her blood. There was a sort of full-stop-ness to “You didn’t think I’d let it hurt, did you?” It was such an iron process of not revealing that that story is happening. I think everyone who watches goes, “Hang on. Those two. Those two, there is something weird there.” But it’s not acknowledged, really, til the very end. And indeed when he says it, “After all this time, did you think I’d let it hurt?”, you know. Of course he wouldn’t. So it’s rather sweet. I like it. He finally does actually bend a little.

During my very first interview the journalist asked, “Oh come on, there is something between those two, isn’t there?” I thought, “Really? Already? you got that from episode one?!” I remember we were constantly saying to [Claes and Dolly],“No, don’t play it. Let the audience find it.”

I'm afraid that for a more detailed answer you would have to go to them. All I can offer is my speculative interpretation, which is not exactly bulletproof but here it is anyway:

They aren't saying this angle is not toyed with throughout (it def is, imo -- like the whole convent gate scene where he is naked and she is smearing him w/ her blood, or when she has the noose around her neck and his foot is on the barrel, they are flirting ffs, they are enjoying each other), but it being there isn't explicitly acknowledged until the very end. So viewers who are distracted by the surface action are surprised when the evolving subtext surges up at the end of ep 3, but for those who are looking for it, there are traces as early as in ep 1.

Dracula’s special brand of seductive darkness pulls Agatha in but Agatha also has a hold on Dracula from the first moment they meet. It manifests in smaller stuff at first, eg. he calls off his bats when she asks and he spares Mina when Agatha demands it even though he could have just killed them both in a split second. Then he brings her aboard the ship disguised as his sick wife and, as he drinks from her, he enters the “blood dream” to spend time w/ her -- something he never does w/ anybody else. Despite its twistedness, it is also extremely intimate: they lie in bed, he is inside her, she is inside him, and they are exploring each other under the guise of a chess match. So over time, their entanglement gets more and more elaborate and contradictory and blurred (esp for Dracula since he is the emotionally less developed).

Feelings other than plain animosity are developing and mutating and wash together but never ever is this straightforwardly expressed by either character. The closest they drift to it is perhaps when Dracula says, "This takes me back. About three centuries, in fact. We must do it again.” but when Agatha rejects him, he quickly laughs it off and backpedals. Now that I think of it, he even says that she “came closer than anyone”, which is def an interesting statement that lends itself to multiple readings + “three centuries ago” Dracula was likely still a human man, so certain vulnerabilities around her may be alluded to here.

"Don't play it [=the emotion]" -- based on my limited knowledge of acting/directing -- does not mean seeds of emotion are not there to color behavior or for the audience to pick up on them if they are open to it/perceptive enough. It just means the actors focus on immediate & overall intent and not specific feelings bc feelings are very difficult to play consciously and convincingly as they are not clear-cut and are in flux. By concentrating on "what I want & how I am gonna get it" and not "how I feel", the emotion can naturally, unconsciously flow from the interaction (just as it does in real life), but this way it is not gonna be too obvious or just one thing. It results in a more nuanced and believable performance overall.

Given that what Dracula and Agatha want from each other changes and is not fully crystallized until the very end, their feelings are also shifting and in disarray until that final moment. They start from the mutual sentiment of “I will kill you but will toy w/ you first bc you are interesting” but the unintended side-effect of getting to know one another is that this original goal shifts. This goal change is just as spectacular in Agatha as it is in Dracula: she goes from “the last thing your eyes will ever see is the contempt in mine” to her genuinely smiling at Dracula as he finally gathers his courage and stands in the sunlight after 500 years -- sunlight she chooses to give back to him instead of trying to kill him or leaving him in the dark to suffer alone forever. And this gesture, this most precious gift, really, brings about a change in Dracula, too. She takes him back to the time when he was still human and he can finally die a proper death in her arms. But all this comes on “slowly then all at once”, and it comes as a result of figuring each other out, which takes all 3 episodes. It wouldn’t have been convincing or true to either character if explicit (romantic) feelings had entered the text earlier bc their original wants and convictions were just too strong for that.

I think they most def play with that "imperfectly suppressed" UST energy throughout the season, but I don't believe either Dracula or Agatha is fully conscious of how they feel about each other or allow themselves to embrace those other feelings until the final confrontation where everything is brought to light (literally and figuratively). And how they feel is in flux and contradictory due to the very nature of their interactions: they are locked in what they know is supposed to be a fight to the death but whenever they reach the tipping point, 9 out of 10 times they pull back.

This is why e.g. Agatha leaves one box and sits beside it waiting for Dracula to return and why Dracula gives his blood to Zoe to drink, then waits for Agatha's return. Agatha could have tossed the last box after she set him on fire to make absolute sure he has no chance to recover, and Dracula could have easily refused the blood donation w/ instructions bc he was about to get out of his cell anyway, but they wanted to crack the door open for the other to push through again. This is in direct (albeit still subtle) contradiction of their original goal but at the end of ep 2 that original goal (“I will kill you to survive” and “I will kill you to save others” respectively) still overrides other feelings that have begun sprouting underneath the surface action. But it’s a natural backsliding that will lead to the good stuff at the end of ep 3 when they are finally able to embrace another solution, the right one, together.

This is like Dracula not being conscious that internalized shame is what’s been driving him to debase himself. It unconsciously informs his actions, but he is not fully aware of it or ready to face it until the end. Same w/ his developing feelings for Agatha and Agatha's for him. Those are suppressed until a final understanding is reached.

and this has been today’s edition of “let me overthink this”.

#anonymous #dracula x agatha #musings #wall of text #this show is like a drug to me at this point #bbc dracula #when mark said he does bend a little it also yanked my batb chain a delicious amount #♪ then somebody bends unexpectedly♪#like thank you i am living my best dark fairytale monster romance dream through this right now much obliged kindly

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a9saga · 4 years ago

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when my maternal grandfather died six months ago i made a long rambling about how everything in my life since ninth grade just went full circle and i meant it. i ended up being okay, and i knew i would, but that was all very intensely crashing over me at once.

my grandmother died this morning. other side, my dad’s mother. it was okay, she was safe, she was being taken care of and she was with her children and her husband. i’d only heard she went into hospice yesterday, she couldn’t have been in there for more than a day.

if you know me well enough that i’ve ever talked to you about my family, you might remember i really love my sweet and beautiful little irish grandmother. i do. or even if you follow my blog, she’s made several mentions in my own posts over the years. she’s my biggest role model. i could go on for days. simply put, every trait of mine that i most like about myself is something i’ve had in common with her. and she loved me for the same things i loved in her, i think.

that last sentence is the only reflection i’ve realized upon finally losing her. i only realized that one when my dad pointed it out last night. i was mumbling on my whole spiel about how much i love my grandmother i knew i would be losing within the next day, you know the one i largely skipped in this post because i would have gone on for too long. my dad said that i also brought her so much joy, that she also thought that i was sweet, and beautiful, and it lit her up to see me, etc etc etc.

i’d not thought of that as much. the last many times i saw her, her memory was so far gone she didn’t know who i was or who my mother was. she would generally recognize my dad and she would ask him if he was married and if he had kids. that’d happen every few minutes whenever we’d see her, that she would be going over the list of basic questions. she wanted to enjoy everyone’s presence, and to some extent she did, but it was so hard for her to genuinely partake.

connie was in there somewhere but she was a shell of herself. over the past year, especially in the past four months, it was apparent she was getting exponentially closer to the end.

i always knew she’d be the hardest to lose. i’ve been afraid of it forever. and i think she will be. i have two grandparents left but i just. i just know this one. and it feels only reinforced by my feeling that her death doesn’t change anything.

i have realized nothing new from this. there’s no circle encompassing this moment in my life. at this time i think more constantly what i have always thought of her. i am just devastated to be without her. in place of piecing together what she meant to me, since i was already well aware of that all my life, i am thinking more of how she was years ago. i am not realizing. i am remembering. what i remember is what i’ve thought much less about for a while, because i’ve only been so worried about her now for at least 4 years. at least. and that’s only been my major concerns.

but if there was someone who deserved this soon, it was her. in some respects, for a while i’d felt like i lost her already, such as the fact that she didn’t constantly remember and understand anyone but her husband. she was so weak recently. she just needed to rest.

if you were wondering, she would have turned 91 if she made it to the end of this month. i will be okay, again. i keep tearing up every few minutes thinking about her. it doesn’t last long but it recurs a lot. i don’t feel the disbelief i did with my grandfather’s death. i simply feel awful.

with my grandfather, even in recent months there have been tears, bad dreams, and recently at work an old man came in who looked and moved and talked very much like my grandfather had since his first battle with his brain tumor. those make me sad but much of the time now i just remember that he’s actually gone, not out of sight, out of mind. i’ve made my peace, it’s just more like i largely don’t buy it. he’s not dead, i just haven’t seen him in a while. that’s how it feels and i just remind myself that it’s not true.

well i don’t know that i will think of connie like that in six months. because frank, her husband of 68 years, is going to be alone and no one can bear the thought of how scary that is. he doesn’t know life like this. so if you’re the praying type, please utter his name for me. he’s a very strong man, but he’s very old.

i wanted to say one last thing. remember when i said seventeen was once again comforting me when my grandfather died? well i’ve been listening to cnblue today. i don’t know why. i will not sit here and tell you my cnblue story (although one day i mean to bc oh boy) but i was a fan of them years before i got into kpop, when i was 13. it was the summer before eighth grade. i actually know like, none of their work that they put out after i was 13. i was mostly into their japanese stuff, their korean singles back then were so much more poppy and colorful and i liked them but not as much. i still kind of feel that way. you know what song of theirs i was kinda iffy about liking as much as i did? love girl. oh my god. for the record they dropped that song and album on my 12th birthday, which inherently cursed them (nothing good ever happened while i was 12). i was too not-like-other-girls to deal with the one video of theirs that went too far in making it clear that the boys in this band were cute (ugh). but now i’m listening to that song a lot in particular because it makes me feel very light and pink and warm and homey and to put it simply it fills me with a comfort that i think i need after losing my feminine hero. that doesn’t make any sense but i feel it. i’ve not actually played anything since i started typing this so i’m gonna go back to that now.

ps: any friends or mutuals, if we talk lots or little or we haven’t in a while, are welcome to send me literally whatever. if it’s related to this, unrelated, or whatever, if you are thinking of reaching out to say something i am going to appreciate anything. you can send kind words or a meme or cute animals or a song rec. i will say that i’m going to be quiet for the time being so i may not reply back very quickly. i’m not ignoring you i’m just taking space. i may be like this for a little bit. but if you actually read all of this, thank you. thank you so much.

#catharsis #shut up kaily

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judesstfrancis · 4 years ago

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so I was late to asking u things and I don't want u to have to repeat yourself so answer all the questions in the thing that you haven't already answered thank u 😌

the way I had to pull out my laptop to answer these bc I couldn’t keep them straight on my phone clipboard................ fdskjfsdkj I think I’m gonna put most of these under a read more so they don’t take up too much dash space. thank u!! <3

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

honestly I’m great! it is currently almost 2 in the morning but my day was nice, I got some new clothes, did my laundry, made a good dinner...good vibes all around, loving it for me rn

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

I haven’t really listened to a lot of new music lately dkfjskj I think the most recent new artist I started listening to was orville peck?? but that was back in like february

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

uhh when I’m at home. yes I’m a homebody <3

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home?

truly it’s with the thots I just feel so at ease

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

it’s just easy, u know? like no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just vibing on our own together, it’s nice. I can tell them absolutely anything and it’s not weird and I don’t have to force it out at all

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

ok first I always see if any of my friends are busy fkdjsfkj and if they aren’t I see if they wanna just chill or w/e but otherwise just like. turning some music up and sitting in my room with a book/a couple movies I love is ideal for me on a day off. I am very simple I just like to chill

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yes! there are two whole people in this world that I spill absolutely everything to bc I trust them with my life and esp when I’m sad bc they always make me feel better. talking to them when I’m having A Day is like I vent and instantly I am normal again. they know who they are I’m sure but for transparency’s sake, it’s u (robin) and maya, no one else gets to unlock my tragic backstories <3

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

relaxing evenings!

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

actually I am currently rewatching cycles 1 through 22 of america’s next top model, I’m on like cycle 5 rn I think. having the time of my life, thanks for asking

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

I am very much more into creative endeavors, like work-wise, but I feel like the way I think about things is much more analytical. like I prefer Making things, writing or various crafts or what have u, but even when I create I think about the things I’m doing like analytically?? so ig left-brained

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it?

boy with squirrel by john singleton copley. I love him

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

interesting question! I have no idea. maybe birds? like a finch, maybe. they seem like they have fun

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

this one is hard for me to answer bc like. I truly have no idea what a “type” is idk if that’s an ace thing or what. no? maybe? all the people I’ve had crushes on have been vastly different, in terms of like physical looks so probably not actually. I’m not attracted to muscular people tho bc I don’t think they have feelings <3

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

once again I have never pictured a date. I just want to hold hands! I think for the ideal first date question I said it just had to be going somewhere where we could Do things together, like walking around a museum or going through shops downtown or something, and that does still apply here, but for the sake of shaking it up, uhh...idk maybe staying in and watching a movie. like not at a theater no one needs to know my business like that but like. at a House. whoever’s, I’m not picky, again ideally I just want to hold hands.

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

yes. literally if the first thing u do is kiss me I am okay with it. I’m 23 someone just take the shot and kiss me already I’m going crazy over here

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to?

really looking forward to the holidays personally I got everyone some really good gifts this year and I can’t wait to hand them out. also my copy of 13 storeys is supposed to finally ship out this week, for real this time! so that’s exciting too

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

u know that idealized house with the yellow paint and the white trim? yes. just small and cute and homey

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down?

I guess not?? I’d like to be somewhere near my mom bc she’s important to me but like. as long as I’m living with someone I love it doesn’t really matter where I don’t think

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

uh. settling down to me equates to like falling in love and living together so honestly that could happen any time. I need to get a job before we live together so I can like Help Out but like. really any time

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I have not been to a lot of places! I’ve been to new york, and san diego, and like. phoenix outside of where I live so. actually if I can include like buildings in places I would like to say that one opera house I went to in new york. I learned I wasn’t a fan of operas BUT I also learned those chandeliers were cool as hell

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

I’m usually in a good mood, I think? my baseline mood is genuinely just like. happy/chill, pero I think the last time I felt Euphoria (tm) was a couple days ago when my mom and I made a really nice dinner together and my brother was there and we just played board games all night

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

I have this recurring habit of waking up from dreams but only barely so when I fall back asleep it feels like I just woke up within the dream? anyway the last one was like that but in one of the times I ‘woke up’ I looked out the window and instead of outside there was like this. static photo of buffalo grazing in open fields?? and it was like green screened kinda, so when I move the image moved with my line of sight it was weird. that’s how I knew it was a dream and woke myself up again, only to immediately fall back asleep and feel like I was waking up from a dream within a dream again

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I think living with friends would be cool. like I want to have a significant other I live with but also if we lived with other friends that would be fun. kids, maybe! would be something I’d have to discuss with whatever partner I have in the future. if yes to kids, max two. also I don't want babies, preferably I would adopt older children. pets absolutely, however many doesn’t matter. I’m open to just living in a house with the love of my life and like twelve dogs, that’s ok with me

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name! I think it’s nice and it feels like it fits me. I don’t think I’d change it ever, but if I did I think maybe I’d go with jude bc yes I do love to project <3

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

it’s a tie between suntan lotion and the lumber aisle of any hardware store

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

vanilla rooibos tea supremacy!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

lots of flowers, first of all. also some kitchen herbs. maybe some fruits!

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes <3 I want to force people to listen to my pretentious horror opinions and get paid for it

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

look I just have to say it: I’m hot. last night I took a photo and saw my nose from the side and went “omg who IS she” like it’s cute. I’M cute. I’ve seen my ass in the mirror and nothing can top it, sorry

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

all I’m getting is those scenes from horror movies where eerie whistling starts and like birds start going crazy

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

I think so?? I’d like to be more financially secure, pero. I think for the most part yeah I’m alright

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

ireland and greece for sure, ireland is the one I have most planned out in my head. ig maybe england for the third one, just bc I know my mom wants to go and also I’m very bad at geography so I don’t know what counts as a country. I had to look all these up, I do want to visit them tho, genuinely! esp ireland

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

the one I’m most fluent in is spanish! and I’m still cracking along at russian, currently I can hold a conversation with like a 4 year old and we can understand each other, it’s pretty cool. I really wanna get into learning irish!! I have a few resources downloaded onto my phone I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

a little life <3 yes I hate it when things are sad just to be sad yes this is my favorite book I contain multitudes

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

the burbs! I’ve seen it so many times but it always hits

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

the day IS over it’s like two thirty am now but uh. drink some water before I sleep probably

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

I post the “kirby’s fucking pissed” meme on twitter and then I ask u (robin) if I can yell for like five minutes and then I feel valid and then I am normal again

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

it’s a little bit jock and it’s a little bit 1980s skater boy but the best way I can really Describe it is just “gay”

#had a lot of fun answering these personally thank u legend!#asks #a-company-of-heroes #robin

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arthuronfleck · 6 years ago

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Will the Real Joker Please Stand Up?

((a/n: inspired by the jokerverse concept, many thanks to the incredible @gothamslittlejester for giving me permission to use it! requested by @nietopesh, going to tag @tragicarthur bc they asked))

warning(s): general violence, roughhousing

Time meant something once.

It was a cruel, unrelenting force that brought with it infinite melancholy and the promise of worse things yet to come. It was the pendulum that kept the monotonous rhythm of life, and though the only thing Arthur dreaded more than time was memory, there was a comfort in the steady cycle of day and night. No such thing existed in Arkham. In Arkham there was only consciousness and unconsciousness, and sleep meant little to Arthur, whom spent his waking hours in the same place, seeing the same unfriendly people, only knowing the world as what he could see from a narrow window. Even his dreams lost substance. A part of him would laugh inside, and wonder if anything had changed at all. The rest of him wept, knowing how much things indeed had changed, and how he loathed himself for not leaving when he could. He didn’t have enough life within him to attempt anymore.

Such thoughts came between rounds of medication switched out before he could even know the names, although he knew the titles of each to be longer than the ones that came before. He’d been used to such a rotation but eventually it reached such a magnitude that it was unmanageable even for him. Eventually Arthur could peek beyond the haze, knowing it was more of a tranquilizer than a treatment. A particularly enthusiastic doctor meant something once, though Arthur couldn’t recall their name or why they’d meant anything at all, or even why they disappeared. Had they existed at all? Likely not; every time he thought of them, they had a new face. Whenever Arkham switched hands- the only guarantee of Arkham being that it would- a fresh batch of goons would appear, bloodthirsty and ready to enjoy the benefits of working in a place so desperate for bodies it would entertain any proposal, so long as it kept its inmates out of sight. That’s when the shocks would start, met with roaring laughter that almost sounded like applause. It felt like he was on stage once more, so eager had they been to watch him squirm and scream and tremble until a warm trickle ran down his leg. Every time. Theirs were the faces he remembered with perfect clarity.

People had roamed the halls once, and Arthur would listen eagerly from his bed, curled on his stomach with his eyes closed. Now only the grunts roamed and when they talked it was only to one another. Arthur laughed for a long time, until he too grew silent. Everything was silent for a long time. Then all at once the world came alive. Sounds of people unlike anything he’d encountered before, like all of a sudden there was so much happening the place seemed to always be bursting at the seams. It seemed like the world remembered Arkham, but it was inconceivable that it would remember him as well. His name felt more like an abstract than an entity. None of it was enough to bring Arthur Fleck back from the dead, and so he lingered in the confines of catatonia.

His body leaned back against the cinderblock, his dull green gaze set on the barred windows adjacent to the stiff bed. It offered a limited view of Arkham’s crumbling brick exterior, a sight so familiar his insides would relish any minuscule change. It was raining again, rhythmic pitter-patter against the window that’d developed a frosty film. It must’ve been winter.

A pair of lanky legs crossed in their loose confines as Arthur’s cuffed hands rested in the center. He watched blackened rain droplets make their way down the frozen window, nothing in particular playing in his mind. Did he see snow? No; it would be slush at best by the time it hit the ground. What did the grounds outside of Arkham look like? Looking down, he could see only sterile linoleum. He couldn't recall anything else. His world began and ended between the same four walls of concrete and linoleum, with a cold metal door added as a fun addition. There was no need for a mailbox anymore; anything belonging to him found its way through the small slit in the door that only opened from the outside. Not that he received anything beyond pills and lukewarm food.

Sometimes he felt something, but it was awful enough that he’d cry to feel nothing again.

His head hit the cinderblock with force and once more as he choked on air. Then he heard another shove, more forceful like the closing of a door. And again. And again.

A deafening silence fell over the place and Arthur felt at peace to loosen his posture.

Rustling came from the other side of the metal door, like someone fumbling with a string of bells. It felt more like unreality than anything in recent memory; how long ago had he been sentenced to waste away here in utter solitude? More likely than not it was another inmate being summoned, perhaps even released. Or to be poked and prodded like lab rats. Better them than him, at least. But that wasn’t the case.

That wasn’t the case at all.

The door opened with a slow, prolonged creak. Arthur blinked. When his eyes opened the door remained ajar, and when he squeezed his ankle it was there too. He thought to summon his voice as he sat upright, hesitating. If this was a trap, he wouldn’t be the one to fall for it.

The all-white uniform of Arkham’s staff that seemed nearly impossible to differentiate from that of the residents. However, neither inmates nor their reluctant keepers donned spatters of blood below the knee, and that was enough to put Arthur on edge. His brows knitted as a tightness grew in his chest, his fingers digging into the white material of his own scrubs. As his eyes lifted, he grew only more puzzled; a man of a tanned complexion, tall with a far more solid frame than Arthur could boast of, a pair of dark eyes—

—and nearly jumped out of his skin.

It had the face of a man, at least mostly. The top half, with its heavy brows and dark eyes, stood out only for the vibrant green hair that framed it. It felt familiar. But as Arthur’s gaze lowered to take in the rest of him, he noticed protrusions about the man’s mouth. Raised flesh starting at the corners of his lips, stretching all the way to his cheeks. Arthur’s face contorted at the sight, lightened only a little when he noticed the questionably large gun half-hidden behind him. Arthur had never seen anything like it, and that much was painfully obvious.

He spoke without meaning to, strained and sick.

“Kill me.”

The man’s face contorted just as Arthur’s had, and a dismayed grunt let him know that it would at least take more than a pained request.

“Please.”

“Get up.” His voice sounded more like a series of disjointed growls, confusing Arthur even further.

“I don’t know what—”

“UP!” Any semblance of patience seemed to burn out as he barked, gesturing the gun towards Arthur. The man pleading to be shot mere moments ago gave little in the way of a reaction to the threat.

With another glance through the corridor, the man paced towards Arthur. If fear could genuinely grip him, in that moment it edged dangerously close. Not that the encounter would end with his death, rather that it would be a slow and horrific journey to get there. Then again, what had his life been if not horrific? A swell grew in Arthur’s throat as he struggled to vocalize to someone, anyone, what he’d endured for the past eternity—

The barrel of the gun collided with his head and he slumped over.

***

Arthur awoke to a peculiar sound. Maybe not an unusual sound at all, but something so distant and unfamiliar it might as well have been brand new. It took awhile for the world to become still enough to make sense of what was being said. When it did, he heard everything through screeching echoes and saw slivers of color through two large windows on small doors.

“...In other news, U.S. forces have concluded a massive missile strike in Afghanistan in hopes of crippling the country's forces and driving back insurgents…”

The words didn’t register, like meaningful words strung together to create something he couldn’t comprehend. He tried to roll over onto his side, grimacing in pain as he did so. Every time he tried to think a throbbing pain rang in his head. A muffled cry escaped his lips as he tried to bring his knees to his chest, the taste of something heavy and metallic growing stronger with every pained inhale.

“...in response to the attacks several months ago Some are criticizing the States' continued involvement and the president himself, citing needless damages to civilians and military personnel—”

Arthur heard a sharp crack against the dashboard on the other side of the partition and the sound quickly scrambled.

“It’s the holiday season, and Gotham residents are praying for a Christmas miracle to alleviate the tension in our city. We may be waiting until next year’s elections until we have someone who can curb these wannabe gang-bangers. Abnormal really is becoming the new normal—”

“Shut up!” An irate growl sounded from the driver’s seat, and Arthur couldn’t tell who he was shouting at. Either way, he ceased whatever movement he was attempting and merely gritted his teeth.

The sounds changed once more, to a song Arthur had never heard. It was noisier than anything he would’ve listened to, hard as it was to recall what he enjoyed. His eyes focused on the blurring lights as they sped past. How long had it been since he’d seen color? Everything moving too quickly to discern but he couldn’t remember ever seeing a world so vivid. He could see little in the area he occupied, besides all the glistening of the cold metal in the moonlight. He could hear cars all around, and plenty of honking.

“Oh, baby, don't care no more...I know this for sure,”

Arthur took a sharp turn with the car, crying out as the restraints wore against his sore wrists. He shot a frustrated glare at the partition, deciding then if his life was forfeit he would decide what to do with it. Outstretching his already sizable legs, he began to kick at the metal doors of what must’ve been a van, growing louder with each gaining ounce of lucidity.

“People, they don't understand...your girlfriends, they can't understand,”

“Hey, hey!” For the first time, Arthur’s rescuer seemed to speak not with aggression, but barely-restrained laughter. “If you knew where we’re going, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get out!”

“On top of this, I ain't ever gonna understand—”

The radio shut off as soon as the van came to a screeching halt. Arthur heard feet scuffling against gravel for a short eternity until the doors swung open, sending in a gust of frigid air. Arthur could see his liberator- or captor, it seemed- taking labored breaths that created a small gust of vapor, the man himself illuminated by the street light apparently overhead.

“Now,” The man began, hoisting himself into the van and stepping over Arthur’s willowy limbs. “Don’t take me for a snob, but I’ve got to say- we are in a bad neighborhood. So this could be rough.”

Before Arthur could respond to the vaguely worrisome statement, a burlap sack found its way over his head.

Undoing the binding of whatever held the pipe that Arthur’s cuffs were caught on, he gripped the pipe himself and brought Arthur stumbling onto his knees. The sudden movement sent another shockwave of pain shooting through his skull. “And if you try screaming again, it’ll be worse.”

The pipe acted like something of a dog leash, leading Arthur in whatever direction his captor wished. He heard the heavy swing of the door and found himself in a warmer albeit muggier space, able to practically taste the filth with every inhale. Without even seeing it, the decay brought back memories that belonged to another lifetime. With it came pain that escaped words, and when the sounds fell from his lips he felt a gloved hand collide with the back of his skull, sending out another yelp.

“Why are you crying? Those lunatics spend their entire lives trying to do what I did for you on a slow weeknight!”

Arthur wasn’t sure how to answer, feeling a chorus of strained thoughts rushing through his mind. He wanted to lay down as he’d been doing for years. It was hard to stay upright, not that his disjointed stagger could be considered proper.

“My father walked home like that every night.” Despite there being no receptive audience, the man followed up his statement with a disarming laugh. “He’d make it through the door before he just fell out, sort of like,” Without warning, the man gripped Arthur by his scrubs and threw him onto the ground. His mostly-bare figure collided with the concrete, making him cry as his skin made contact. Before he knew it, his restrained wrists were being manipulated until they stayed hoisted against something. Something uncomfortably hot, something that set a panic deep inside of Arthur. The sack was carelessly ripped from him, and he could make out yet another dank, dreary room. There weren’t any windows save for a few directly below the ceiling, and he had to strain his eyes to see anything.

Arthur could see that his captor was very pleased that he could see.

***

The Joker stood in front of a dirty mirror, rubbing a menthol-scented oil into his skin. He shuddered as his fingers lightly grazed the scarred surface. His voice kept to a low hum, low enough to easily hear every happening on the other side of the wall. He wasn’t a man to lose himself in thought; his constant guard evaded the need for restful sleep, whatever new pains appeared or whatever passing fancy might’ve otherwise captivated him. Wherever the switch came from, the Joker was too far gone to turn it off.

His fingers grazed the rusted metals cluttering the counter, searching until he touched a pair of panties haphazardly strewn atop it. He recoiled with a hiss, grabbing the garment and tossing it back towards the bathtub. Underneath like a hidden treasure were the Joker’s supplies- not his favorite, but the most appropriate for the occasion. Yanking off the unscrewed lid, he slapped a dollop of white makeup over his face, applying it to his face in rough, streaky strokes. With the white residue remaining, he found a nearly-emptied black can and continued.

When he finished, he smoothed his hands over the lapels of his purple suit. His operation was funded by some of the most generous donors in Gotham, no matter how unwilling. He stood hunched over in his odd sort of posture, staring into his own black eyes on the other side of the mirror. Without warning, he turned to the door and sent it flinging outwards with a forceful kick.

In the darkness he could see the figure in the corner curl in on itself, bringing a smile to his face- one that never really left. His gloved hand felt around for the switch until flicking it on, casting the room in a sterile, fluorescent light. If the Joker grimaced it was difficult to discern through the heavy black makeup.

If Arthur feared him before, now he was terrified.

A steady trickle of dried blood caked down his forehead from a gash buried somewhere beneath his dark curls, tears falling down his cheeks at the same pace as his quick, shallow breaths. Arthur felt something build inside of him, almost like he was slowly learning how it felt to be alive again. He didn’t like it.

“Enough of that,” The Joker gestured at him. “I went to all that trouble for you. Not some,” Grimacing, he delivered a soft kick if only to amuse himself with the soft yelp that escaped the smaller man’s lips. He fell against the radiator, alternating between sweating and shivering. “Limp pool noodle. I want Arthur Fleck.”

Hearing his name brought something of a presence back into Arthur’s eyes. Someone knew his name without introduction; that meant he must’ve been real. A complete stranger knew his name. All of a sudden his demeanor shifted to a silent curiosity as he loosened himself a bit, still bracing himself for another blow.

“My name is Arthur,” Arthur spoke quietly, taking in the other man. “What’s yours?”

“My name, yes. My name.” He spat the last word like venom, bringing an instinctive jump from Arthur. Letting out a pitiful tsk, Arthur’s captor lurched over him, black eyes meeting a fearfully inquisitive green. “I’m a twister, you know. I take this world as it is, boring and insufferable, and I twist it. To give it meaning.” He smiled wickedly at an irony his audience would never understand. “You see, when you decided to settle into your little hovel, you already changed things. No going back—” He leaned forwards. “They didn’t like the establishment, so they fought against it. Then a new one shows up and they just frolic towards it, like sheep to the slaughter.” Each phrase seemed to be pronounced with a gesture, only setting Arthur more on edge. “So the mobsters, these little gang-bangers who wanted to rule the world crying about their,” He rolled his eyes as he contemplated. “Plans. See, they had a plan for this city. They wanted a routine.”

The Joker grabbed hold of Arthur’s hand as it was restrained by the cuffs, beginning to slowly twist. “So I took their little routine,” He continued to twist, slow enough to make every second stretch into hours. “And I twisted it. I took their money, their guns, their goons,” He spat. “Their girls, sometimes. If she was into it.” A wide grin grew on his face, unnatural. “All of it with nothing. Nothing but a- simple dream. I twisted this city and I bent it over my knee.”

Arthur’s brows furrowed in pained confusion, unable to process one word before the rest were thrown at him. “You don’t have to hurt me. I understand you without—” He grimaced at the other man’s grip. “—without all that.”

“Really?” He twisted more, until Arthur was certain his wrist would snap. Was everything supposed to remind him of Arkham? “I don’t think you do. You see,” He licked his lips. “I did all of that, but I couldn’t let them think I was a stranger to this place. God, no— these newcomers are a dime a dozen. I needed to show them I was one of a kind, and so I chose something they were familiar with. Or maybe they chose me.”

Speaking between Arthur’s pained cries, the Joker allowed a lingering moment of silence to pass until freeing the other man of his vice-like grip. “But no matter what I did, they always, always,” As his glare pierced through Arthur, he had to wonder if it was the radiator making him sweat so profusely. “Always had to bring you into it. They started every time with the comparisons and the whinging, expecting the same old routine! Here I was, having to hear story after story about how you changed things when I was right there taking the city out from under their noses!”

He licked his lips. “So I started a game. Every time someone brought you up, I shot them. But they kept coming. You were inside of this city even after they locked you up.”

Arthur couldn’t keep up, yet one sentiment echoed in his head. People remembered him.

What good did that do?

At the same time, it brought a thrill. A reassurance of his existence, one not limited by the shortcomings of his imagination.

“Here I was, ready to be the enema Gotham deserves. But you just,” He let out a laugh. “You just wouldn’t get out. Those masks— they were everywhere. Mocking me.” A disgusted anger infected a tone that had just seconds ago been jovial. So that became my new purpose; to show them all how gone you really were.”

“As I’m running in every direction, doing more than you ever did,” He cleared his throat, keeping himself just above Arthur. “I start to hear these rumors. About a giant bat who shows up just in time, ready to beat everyone to a pulp but never enough to finish them off. At first, you know— these thugs are never bright. They don’t know what they’re talking about. But I keep hearing about it, no matter how many guys I get rid of. So I get to thinking,” Eyeing the dried blood on Arthur’s face, he let out a low grumble. “Why don’t I find out for myself if this thing is real? I did everything I could— I had to kill a lot of people. But I found my answer.”

Once more he cleared his throat. “So now the mobs are afraid, and it’s the cops who want a turn running things. Why not? No one did anything— no one had balls anymore!” He moved slowly forward. “So I took their new order, and I twisted it again. I’m taking away their precious shield.” His voice lowered. “You’re going to help me.”

“I can’t.” Arthur admitted sheepishly. “I’m sorry,” His voice was strained as he tried to keep his composure. “I was never supposed to get out of that place. I tried. I tried my entire life—”

His story was ended before it could even begin. Before he could form his next word, he heard a hiss and all of a sudden felt a tight grip on his jaw. He thought it would crack. Worst of all, he felt a frigid cold against the corner of his lips.

“We’re going to try this again,” Arthur’s captor licked his lips for the umpteenth time, all patience gone from his voice. “Now, I don’t think you listened to the first story. At all. So we’re going to try another one, okay? When I was,” He looked as if he was trying to remember. “Younger, I was a lot like you. I was small, skin and bones. But I was always good boy. Kept my head down, looked after my family, did what I could— what little I could— to make things just a little better. I wanted to leave this place better than it was when I wandered into it.” He kept the knife against Arthur’s lips, feeling the other man tremble beneath the blade. “So I was headed to work one day to do just that. I come across these,” He hesitated. “Men. They’re big and they’re mean, not friendly at all. They ask me what I’m smiling for. They did nothing different than I did, but they were miserable. So they start beating me up real bad and I’m begging them to stop.”

Arthur’s eyes were huge as the man continued, hot tears pooling against his cool gloves. Arthur could taste something metallic.

“So one of them takes out a knife,” The Joker drew in a sharp breath. “ Just like this one. The others hold me down and he’s carving me up, and he asks me,” As the Joker’s grip threatened to push down Arthur could feel him trembling. “Why so serious?”

As the Joker went to move, he felt it. Slowly at first, then all at once. A sickly, shaking laugh. It felt strained yet unstoppable, building with an obnoxious moment.

That was enough for the knife to fall, a satisfied smile on the Joker’s face as he watched Arthur collapse into a laughing fit.

Standing up, he made his way across the room, broken glass crunching beneath his boots until he reached a metallic panel in the wall. The Joker gave it a good knock and soon it raised, a small array of masked goons waiting in a loose circle.

Arthur strained to see them in the dark and through the blur of tears, although he could vaguely make out figures and masks. He could make out one, so gigantic he’d have to be blind to miss him. Another with honey-colored hair tied in a low ponytail, at least until they turned around and looked like any other masked figure. Another had no distinguishing features, save for the cartoonishly large gun they carried. Several others stood around, and Arthur had to laugh at the absurdity of it all- not that he had a choice at the moment. The old reflex had returned with a vengeance.

Only laughter filled the otherwise deathly quiet space, echoing through the tall ceilings.

“So about my name,” The purple figure spoke, turning to look at Arthur once more. “I am the Joker.”

Without further regard, the Joker headed into the darkened room. “Clean him up,” The Joker spoke to none in particular, knowing all of them would listen. “It’s time we treat our new friend to an early Christmas.”

*** to be continued...maybe.

((final a/n: thanks for reading if you stuck with me to the end :) this is my first fanfiction endeavor i’ve ever published and i’m really nervous to share it, but i hope you like it! if you have any requests my inbox is always open))

#jokerverse #joker 2019 #joker spoilers #Joaquin Phoenix #joaquin phoenix joker #the dark knight #the joker #heath ledger joker #arthur fleck #arthur fleck x reader #joker x reader #fanfic #mine #joaquin #batman #joker 2019 spoilers #joker

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jamesmarlowe · 5 years ago

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『ANTON THIEMKE ❙ CIS-MALE』 ⟿ looks like JAMES MARLOWE is here for HIS SENIOR year as a FINE ARTS student. He is 21 years old & known to be CLEVER, INVENTIVE, UNRELIABLE & EGOTISTICAL. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ SLOTH. 25. EST. SHE/HER.

hi hello welcome 2 my twisted mind ☺️ marlowe is a character i’m still fine-tuning bc he’s brand-new, so this is unfortunately.... a bit of a mess.... and mostly made up on the spot.... c’est la vie!!

(a late addition but u can also peep his weheartit collection here 4 some vibes)

his government name is james marlowe but he only goes by marlowe & only introduces himself as marlowe like he’s madonna or sting.... most ppl who know him (apart from like close friends) probably don’t even know what his first name is. maybe he doesn’t have one!

hails from Appalachia, specifically a trailer park in a poor-as-dirt stretch of Virginia where he was born n raised, baby. he’s Appalachian white trash and not afraid to admit it. marlowe’s very casual about his upbringing and his dumpster fire of a family (no less than three relatives are currently incarcerated, one of which is his older brother who’s probably serving a minor sentence for whatever dumb shit Tim Riggins got got for in FNL or like, selling illegal fireworks out of his trunk :/ ). the only thing he’s a little self-conscious about is his twang which he’s mostly suppressed by now, but other than that, he’s got no shame in where he comes from bc lbr no authentic artist ever came from money anyway!

born sandwiched in the middle of five siblings, marlowe’s always been wild and creative and impulsive, a loud-mouthed kid with too much to say for his own good, prone 2 getting in trouble but learning absolutely nothing from it. it was his mission in life to be Different from all the other kids who grew up where he grew up, with the way he talked, dressed, acted, because he knew that he was destined for bigger n better things so it was just a matter of getting other ppl to believe it, & then seeing how far a little talent and a lot of charisma would take him >:)

from age 8 onwards, he told people he was an “artist” and that became his primary identity. when he was 16 he completed an independent sculpture project (called “Skyscraper”) where he constructed a 20-foot tower made out of junk collected from around the trailer park and then glued Barbies n other dolls all clawing over each other to get to the top, smack dab in the middle of Main Street and refused to take it down even when the local fire department showed up 2 threaten him with fines. it did eventually get taken down bc it was ‘structurally unsound’ and someone nearly got concussed by a falling mannequin head, but at least it got some attention from local newspapers and w/ that as the crown jewel in his portfolio, marlowe got into a few different art/liberal arts schools the following year. radcliffe was the only one who offered a partial scholarship and the east coast sounded nice n far from home, so anyways lets go ✈️ college

FAST FORWARD its senior year babey and marlowe’s been making the most of his time here at radcliffe. he’s a fine arts major but specializes in mixed media sculptures (and probably is really shit at most of his other classes, like art theory where u actually have to read textbooks? still life drawing? boring. yawn. won’t do it.) his entire profile as an artist i’m cribbing from Rachel Harrison bc I saw her exhibition at the whitney a little while ago and her sculptures made me go ?????¿¿¿¿¿ which i think is exactly the kind of bizarre nonsense that marlowe is going for with his “art”. feast your eyes on these masterpieces. the joke of it all is that marlowe is the first to admit that his art isn’t like.... good. but his philosophy is that if people respond to it & praise it like it’s art, then by definition, it’s art. and if it gets him places (like it got him onto Cultured Magazine’s “30 Young Artists To Watch This Decade″ list), then yeehaw!

When he’s not busy creating new monstrosities, marlowe takes one fat nap per day (usually at a time when he has class) and is otherwise a very social creature who needs constant attention. he’s got a lot of friends and is always looking to make more, not in a #fake way but just as a person who genuinely likes being around people. he very quickly gets bored if left on his own, so he’s prone to following people around campus like a stray cat regardless of whether or not they tell him to shoo. he dorms at Noland but is almost always found in other houses, often crashing in other people’s rooms (needs to be close to his friends or He’ll Die), and he definitely frequents parties, bc marlowe never passes up an opportunity to drink other people’s booze and get a lil messy and Chaotic. he’s [jim halpert voice] not a slut, but who knows? he’s kinda a slut! he’s also definitely pulled another stunt similar to Skyscraper by taking over the quad for a guerrilla art installation with his sculptures (and without the school’s permission oops) which may be the basis for some connections if ppl know him from that particular exploit!!

in summary..... marlowe can be a bit up his own ass at times, but being around him is generally a Good Time bc he’s easy-going and friendly and always down for anything, always. litcherally zero impulse control so nothing gets in the way of a dumb idea that might potentially make for a good story. perhaps he’s not the most reliable person, so don’t expect a prompt text back if ur in a life or death situation, and he doesn’t care very much about anything, so ur setting urself up for disappointment if you do expect him to care about something (the fact that he’s never been in a long-term relationship... very telling). all he wants to do is just have! fun all the time! he’s trying to scam his way into the American Dream with his dumb art, so that he can live a good life and maybe get rich and famous and eventually party at Art Basel in Miami with Frank Ocean! is that really so much to ask!

appearance: marlowe’s very vain and a lot of thought goes into his appearance even when (especially when) it doesn’t look like he’s done anything but roll straight out of bed. all of his outfits are as outrageous as his sculptures are ugly. think mismatched prints and loud colors, silk shirts gaping open like he got tired after the first three buttons, a pawn’s shop worth of jewelry, weird dangly earrings w/ feathers or tiny charms, tinted yellow or pink sunglasses, sometimes a bandana around his neck, just for extra flavor. his hair always has to look perfectly tousled; u can catch him checking out his reflection in pretty much every mirrored surface. at least half the surface area of his body is covered in tattoos & he’ll suggest getting more during every drunken night out, which... is why he has so many by now!

connections: to be quite honest its 2 am and i feel all of my higher brain functions shutting down so i’m gonna make these very simple n straightforward, but we can always workshop!!!! pls feel free to message me even if none of these strike ur fancy :0)

peers in the arts - friends, acquaintances, rivals, probably some former group project members holding a grudge....

fellow party animals who don’t mind sharing when marlowe inevitably mooches off their alcohol and drugs :)

unlikely friends!!!!! it’d be fun to have a friendship dynamic with someone who’s very different from him!!

a roommate in Noland... possibly one he’s not on good terms w/... even tho marlowe hardly EVER sleeps in his own dorm room, he uses it as a storage locker for all his “found” art materials. i can imagine that living in that mess would try the limits of anyone’s sanity :)

enemies - they can hate his whole Genius Artist shtick and they’d be valid :/

fellow insomniacs! marlowe is very much a night owl (regular naps during the day may be 2 blame but oh well) so he needs a fellow nocturnal to hit up the late-night McDonald’s drive thru with him and then lay on the grass lookin at the stars and contemplating life’s great mysteries while eating chicken mcnuggets

exes - idk if u can even call them tht when his past “relationships” have all had a lifespan of six weeks or less, but hey there’s drama in that too!!

fwb - i don’t think marlowe’s the type 2 be juggling too many fwb/hook-ups at one time simply because That’s A Lot of Work. that being said... he never likes to sleep alone ;)

#radintro #im working on some gif icons but full disclosure.... they gon be sparse and shitty!#so instead we have this pic where it looks like he passed out on a lawn and woke up w/ shit scribbled all over his face #and u know what? on brand #anyways plot w/ me!!!!!!#about

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justmikerrss · 5 years ago

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to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

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sleepyfan-blog · 6 years ago

Note

Cross and ink and a lot of fluff on a sleepover at dreams and nightmares scence nightmares turned good, and it wouldn't be completed without a jealous Error "Why won't you let him be mine" "It's not that he won't it's just that he doesn't want"

I hope that you enjoy! it’s under a cut bc it got a little long, haha

Oh and the fic I’m referring to is this

Warnings: uhh…. Unrequited love?

Dream beamed happily at Cross and Ink, stepping aside and gesturing for the two of them to come in. “I’m really glad that you two could make it! We’ve got everything set up in one of the cozier spaces in the castle.”

Cross nodded a little, a small smile appearing on his face as he walked in - he knew that after Nightmare had gotten uncorrupted (thank you, Reaper and Reapertale Gaster) and the pair of guardians had returned to the castle they’d been trying to renovate it, in order to make it less dreary and terrifying. The lighter colors and the more generous light fixtures really helped the section of the castle that Dream took the two of them down “It’s looking really good so far - I wouldn’t mind helping, if you don’t mind?” the monochromatic skeleton offered with a small smile.

Dream shrugged for a moment, a small smile appearing on his face “I’ll ask Nightlight - but I think it’s going to be one of the projects he’s going to be stubborn about… Besides, it’s not as if we’re pressed for time in order to fix up the castle, anyways.”

Ink nodded, a grin appearing on his face “I understand! Since Nightmare’s come back to his senses, the only person we really have to worry about is Error… And as the truce between myself and him has been holding steady for the past ten years, I’m pretty sure that he won’t suddenly start destroying things… Although I really do miss helping Creators make new AUs…” The creative guardian sighed, his shoulders slumping a little, his eye lights changing shape and colors rapidly.

Cross gently patted his boyfriend on one shoulder before hugging the other “I know that you do… But you’re been helping to restore dead and dying timelines, which is a great help, love…”

Ink perked up at that and his smile was back “You’re right! It’s.. It’s really nice to be able to breathe life into a destroyed timeline. And speaking of that…” He sent a significant look in Dream’s direction.

“I… Nightmare would like to focus on the two of us rebuilding this AU piece by piece as much as we can before asking for help.” Dream responded, knowing that look on Ink’s face and determined to head off a potential argument.

“Who all is here?” Cross asked curiously, changing the subject before Ink could dig in his heels about helping the emotive guardians repair their badly damaged Universe.

“So far apart from me and Night, you two and Error, funnily enough. He appeared on one of the couches three days ago, muttering something about the anti-void being too quiet and the voices bothering him a lot.” Dream murmured, his voice low and quiet “I’m not sure what that meant, but he felt very lonely as he said it. So he’s going to be at the sleepover. Stretch and Blue are helping Queen Toriel negotiate with the humans as they’ve hit a post-pacifist ending again and the human promised no more resets unless something genuinely awful happened.”

Dream paused for a moment before continuing “Sci and Red managed to catch the flu, so Edge is watching over them and scolding them for wandering out into the forests outside of Snowdin for too long. Hearts, Star and Classic have been dealing with things in their own timelines that have been causing a lot of problems and can’t make it… Color still doesn’t trust Nightmare so he’s dragged Killer, Dust and Hatchet off somewhere and they’ve been out of communications with the both of us for a week.”

“So it’s just going to be the five of us?” Ink prodded, one of his eye lights a yellow star, the other an orange square.

“Yep, unless one or more of the others suddenly calls for a pick up. But enough about all of that, how have you two been?” Dream asked brightly as the three of them entered Nightmare’s Library - the center area having been transformed into an epic blanket and pillow fort. The scent of hot cocoa, pizza, popcorn and cupcakes mingled pleasantly together.

Error was sulking up on top of a bookshelf, an exasperated but amused Nightmare standing beneath him as he said “-ot going to be comfortable up there, you know?”

“I don’t care! You should have warned me that you were going to be throwing some stupid partyyy…. Hi Ink, Boring Glitch.” Error huffed back, his eye lights focusing on the new arrivals - mostly on Ink. The other’s emotional aura shifting to-

Oh dear. Dream sent a brief glance at Nightmare, who nodded minutely and scratched one of his cheeks in a subtle gesture. They’d talk once the others fell asleep. That explained a few things - still, that wasn’t any reason to let such things fester! Dream clapped his hands together and asked, gently pushing his aura onto Error, Cross and Ink, lifting their moods “So, who’s up for a game?”

“Me!” Ink called out cheerfully.

“Sure…” Cross responded, curiosity filling his emotional aura.

“Do I have to?” Error grumbled, though the destructive skeleton had already teleported down near Nightmare. “So what game are we planning?”

“Spin the bottle: Truth or Dare Edition!” Dream answered with a bright grin, ignoring the exasperated frown and face palm this got from Nightmare.

“I… Am unsure what you mean by that?” Ink prompted “What are the rules?”

“It’s where we each take turns spinning a bottle. Whoever it lands on, you, the spinner ask whether they want to do a dare, tell a truth… Or if they don’t want to do the dare or tell the truth, you get to kiss them! Either on the cheek, forehead, teeth or hand.” Dream explained with a cheerful grin on his face.

Error was blushing bright yellow and his eye sockets started to fill with errors. Dream sighed as he sent a small pulse of his magic the other’s way, stabilizing his emotions and pulling the other from his imminent crash. Cross was a very fascinating shade of purple and was hiding as much of his face as he could in his scarf.

Ink’s eye lights were a yellow star and a green heart “That sounds like so much fun! I’m willing to play! What about you three? Or are you going to be cowardly?”

This prompted Error and Cross to answer at the same time “I’ll play!” determined expressions appearing on his face.

Nightmare sighed, face palming again and responded “I’ll play too. Let me get a bottle. You all should sit down and get comfortable. Do you want anything to eat or drink?”

Everyone shook their heads as Dream lead them to one of the blanket forts, and they crawled into the warm and cozy space, the colorful blankets and magical fairy lights providing diffused and ample light.

“Oh, and one more thing, we need to sit in a circle.” Dream instructed as the others sat around in a circle, making a space for Nightmare as the guardian of Negativity crawled in, an empty bottle in his hand. Nightmare set the bottle down in the space between all of them as Dream spoke up again “I’ll start, since I suggested the game.”

The others nodded (except for Nightmare, who was squinting at him a little) as Dream reached for the bottle and spun it with a quick turn of his wrist. It spun and spun, eventually stopping in front of Cross. Dream grinned a little ��Truth, Dare or Kiss?”

“Uhh… What truth do you want to know about me?” Cross responded, having seen Dream’s mischievous side and not wanting to be stuck doing some silly dare right off the bat.

“Hmm…” Dream murmured, his eye lights turning into stars as a grin appeared on his face. He was about to respond when Nightmare cut in.

“Give the poor kid a chance to enjoy the game, would you? Stars above I know how merciless you can get at this game.” his other half cautioned him, turning ever so slightly purple.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nightmare. Cross, what was your reaction when you first realized that you were in love with Ink?” Dream asked, pouting a bit at Nightmare. There was no need to scare the others. He was just curious…

The blush on Cross’s face returned in full force “… I cursed myself for being so stupid, because it was back before Nightmare got his head screwed on straight and I was still working for him.” He spun the bottle and it landed on Error, who froze. “… Kiss, Truth or Dare?”

“… Truth.” Error responded after a pause, narrowing his eye lights at the other.

“… Why did you agree to the truce with Ink?”” Cross blurted out, before a look of panic scrawled across his face “I… I mean…”

“No, I’ll answer it. I was tired of fighting Ink all the time.” Error answered honestly, staring at the floor “… I had hoped that maybe I could have taken him up on the offer of becoming friends that he gave me long ago.” He spun the bottle and it landed on Nightmare “Your choice now.”

“Dare.” Nightmare responded without hesitation, curious as to what the other would have him do.

“I dare you to steal something from Fresh and bring it back here in less than five minutes.” Error answered quickly.

Nightmare raised a browbone, opened a portal, stretching a hand through it and pulling it back, a distant “Hey! Not cool, broski!” echoed through the portal as the negative spirit revealed that he’d grabbed Fresh’s hat “Done. My turn.” The bottle spun and landed on Dream, who grinned.

The positive spirit answered before Nightmare could even ask “Kiss!” and eagerly teleported into his other half’s lap, eagerly pressing a kiss to the other’s teeth. He nuzzled Nightmare’s neck a little after, leaning into his warmth and spinning the bottle, having it land on Ink “Soo…?”

Ink’s eye lights turned into blue and green question marks “Hmm… Dare me, Dream!”

“I dare you to steal some of G Sans’s cookies!” The positive guardian responded with a bright grin. “And come back within five minutes.”

The creative guardian huffed, rolling his eye lights “Fiiine. But if I get into a fight with that particular sleeping dragon, you’re helping.” Ink portalled off, returning three very quiet minutes later with a tin of butterscotch-cinnamon cookies. “Ta-da… My turn.” He spun the bottle and it landed on Error. “What’ll it be, Glitchy?”

Error paused for a little bit before eventually asking “Who do you want me to steal from? And by that I mean, what dare do you have for me?”

“Aww, Glitchy, everyone doing similar dares would be boring! No, I’ve got something else for you as a dare.” Ink pulls out a box out of his inventory “I want you to wear what’s in that box for ten minutes.”

Error squinted at him before growling “Fine, but if it’s really stupid, I reserve the right to ask for a truth instead.”

“Pff-hahaha, fine~!” Ink responded with a wave as the destructive skeleton teleported elsewhere to change.

Error came back a couple of moments later, squinting at Ink in suspicion as he came back wearing a black jacket that reached his knees and slowly turned to a navy blue at the hood. Beneath it was a long-sleeved red shirt and a bright blue scarf. He was also wearing what appeared to be a bunch of his navy blue strings as a sort of a cape “… This is comfortable and not weird. Why am I wearing this?” He was also wearing a pair of red-rimmed, circular glasses.

Dream and Nightmare both stilled as they stared at Error, their eye lights vanishing for a moment. They were suddenly holding hands and Dream was shaking ever so slightly.

“Ah-ah! You can only get the truth of that out of me if you manage to land the bottle on me.” Ink called out cheerfully, having not spotted either emotive guardians’ reaction to the alternate outfit.

Error grumbled and spun the bottle, and it landed on Cross “Your turn. Truth, Dare or Kiss?”

Cross squinted for a bit, wanting to get this over quickly - he’d seen Dream and Nightmare’s reaction to the outfit and wanted answers, damn it. “Kiss.” He grabbed one of Error’s hands and pressed a quick peck to the other’s knuckles, returned to his seat and spun the bottle, hoping that he’d spun it so that it would land on Nightmare and Dream. Sure enough, it did “Right, Truth or Dare, you two? And I’m guessing you both have to answer, since you’re in Nightmare’s lap, Dream?… Or Kiss, I suppose.”

“…” Nightmare and Dream glanced at one another briefly before staring at Cross and saying simultaneously “Kiss.” The both of them each pressed a light kiss to one of Cross’s cheeks, moving at the same time. Dream settled back into Nightmare’s lap after they did so, still visibly unsettled.

Nightmare flicked the bottle with one of his fingers, and the bottle spun to a stop on Ink “Kiss, Dare or Truth?”

“Hmm… Kiss, actually! A double smooch from the both of you looked like fun.” Ink answwered after a moment, grinning at how purple his boyfriend had gone. That had been very endearing to see.

Dream and Nightmare complied and Ink spun the bottle, it landing on Error. The Destructive skeleton answered before Ink could ask, his voice very quiet “… Kiss, squid…”

This took Ink and Cross by surprise, but not Nightmare nor Dream. Still, with a playful grin, the creative guardian made his way over to Error, pausing for a moment as he studied Error, leaning in close and pressing a light kiss to one of the other’s cheeks, purring lightly “Your turn, Glitchy~!”

Error seemed a little dazed as he fumbled for the bottle, and nearly hit it hard enough to break the glass container. It eventually came to a stop in front of a grumpy Cross “Truth, Dare, or Kiss?”

“Dare me, you grump.” Cross answered after a moment’s consideration.

“I dare you to do a cartwheel.” Error responded after a moment.

The highly athletic skeleton snorted, getting up and doing just that in front of the entrance to the blanket fort so that he didn’t knock it down. He spun the bottle and it landed on Ink “Truth, Kiss or Dare, love?”

“Hmmm… Truth, this time.” Ink decided with a warm smile.

“Why did you dress Error up in that outfit?” Cross asked curiously, watching Dream and Nightmare out of the corner of one of his eye sockets. Their reaction had been weird.

“Well… Because I’ve seen a different Error wear it and was curious to see what he’d look like in it.” Ink responded with a shrug. “And yes, this means that I’ve been to a different multiverse. Things were… Very different there. Although I suspect I’m not the only one who’s been there… Eh, Nightmare, Dream?”

Neither of the emotive guardians responded, and Nightmare’s grip on Dream tightened a little bit. The positive guardian murmured after a moment “I… I think I’m done playing this game for now… Do you guys want to watch a movie?”

Cross and Error agreed - and the latter immediately shot off to go change, the ten minutes up anyways. Ink was pouting a little, having wanted to play for a little longer, but had been outvoted by a lot. Cross got up and put in one of the movies that had been set out - it was a high-seas pirate movie with a bit of magic and a great cast of characters and a rousing score.

Cross frowned a little as he realized that Error hadn’t come back, half-way into the movie. He yawned and stretched a little, slowly scooting out as Ink, Dream and Nightmare were thoroughly entranced by the story, wandering off to go find the destructive being. He found the other leaning against the door of the library, scowling and folded in on himself.

“… Error are you alright?” He asked. He didn’t particularly care for the other, but figured it would be good to check in with the other.

“Why won’t you let him be mine?” Error hissed, glaring up at Cross, a jealous expression appearing on his face. “We… We’ve been through so much together…”

“It’s not that he won't… It’s just that he doesn’t want you.” Cross responded, feeling awkward and realizing that he was being perhaps a little too blunt. “Look, Ink does what he wants, right? He always has… If he wanted to date you… He would.”

Error hissed and buried his face in his hands “I… I suppose you’re right. But you’re so… New to all of this. Why are you so special enough to catch his attention when his attention for more than five fucking minutes is one of the few things I’ve ever wanted?”

“I… I don’t know.” Cross answered honestly, shrugging helplessly. He had no answer for that, and was just grateful he wasn’t trapped in the endless, white void his timeline had become. “I’m just… I’m grateful that I have his love and attention… Come join us? We’re watching a pirate movie, and it’s a lot of fun.”

#my writing #crink #dreammare #dream #nightmare #uncorrupted nightmare #Ink #cross #Error #unrequired love tw #one-sided errink

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years ago

Text

Survey #220

“as long as god in heaven dwell, your soul, your soul shall scream in hell.”

Would people consider you more immature or mature? It depends on the context. Emotionally, I think I'm considerably mature. As far as eligibility to be a proper adult goes, yeah. No. Would people consider you more funny or serious? I personally don't think I'm very funny, but I'm not super serious, either. Are you currently in love with someone? Who is this person? So... I'm quietly pondering over whether or not I'm just biromantic, not bisexual. I genuinely think I'm in love with my girlfriend, I do, but we have so, so little actually sexual experience that I don't know if "bisexual" fits me. I totally adore her romantically, I know that, but maybe sexually, I'm not into her? I don't know. It's hard for me to say because when I picture doing certain "things," I can't really tell what I feel. I don't take that as an "I'm not into it" though, considering I've wound up liking things with a guy I didn't think I would with anyone, something I only discovered by doing it. This whole situation was driving me insane a few days ago to the point I felt sick, but I've calmed myself out of it to where I've accepted I just have to wait and learn, being long-distance. I'm still entirely invested in us and am going to be honest learning about myself. I haven't actually talked to Sara about it and don't want to unless I come to learn this hunch has credibility. Which room in your house are you in? What color are the walls? My bedroom; light puke green, Why God. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Who got you interested in it? I don't really know about my "absolute favorite." It depends on my mood, really. I think maybe watching my favorite YouTubers tops the list, something Jason actually started with PewDiePie; or RPing, which I got into myself thanks to Meerkat Manor. Would the people you know say you have a nice singing voice? Barely anyone ever hears me sing, so idk. I personally feel my voice suits only few songs. Would you say most of your friends are older/younger than you? Ummm, good question. All but two are very close in age range, but most of my friends/closer acquaintances are kinda split around either side. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? Nope. Are you listening to music right now? If so, who’s singing the song? Yeah, I'm listening to Khemmis' cover of "A Conversation With Death." It's the intro song to that new game Man of Medan and is so badass. All the comments are like "came here from so-and-so's LP because this is epic" and same. What is your dream career? What inspired you to pursue this career? Probably meerkat biologist if I could handle the heat and was okay with moving, or paleontologist if I wasn't opposed to heavy travel. I love meerkats and dinosaurs v v much. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? No. What would you say is your favorite holiday? Why did you choose this? Halloween bc spooks and costumes and candy. Does it feel odd being around your friend’s parents? Why or why not? If I'm alone with them and don't know them very well, sure? What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Is there one in your city? Sonic, probably. And no, but in our neighboring city. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Is there one in your city? Olive Garden. See above. Do you ever take pictures with family members around the holidays? Mom pretty much forces it, lol... Have you ever thought you were adopted because of opposing interests? Y'ALL not kidding I legit asked my fucking mom if I was adopted in elementary school bc I thought she hated me one day versus my little sister lmfao. I went through a phase of feeling like she couldn't be "this mean" to her legitimate child. Are you more interested in indoor activities or outdoor things? Hm, that depends on the activities available. Most outdoor things are more fun, though. When is the next time you’ll see someone you’re crushing on? We were just talking a couple days ago about our next visit, actually. If I can financially, I'm probably coming up to see her for her birthday again, as that's when I have a decent break from school. Speaking of which, how many people are you crushing on right now? Lol I mean it's been just shy of two years, a "crush" doesn't cut it. Have you ever played Super Mario Bros. for Nintendo DS? Was it fun? No, actually. I didn't grow up playing Mario games. What exactly is your favorite gaming system? Do you have this system? The PS2. It had a giant graphical leap, contains SOOOOO many goodies, and you can still play PS1 games on it. How often do you talk on the phone? Who do you talk with the most? Very very rarely, pretty much only ever with my mom or dad. I hate talking on the phone. Do you normally do what other people around you want you to do? Depends. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? I don't have one anymore, but it used to be an orange, plastic jack-o-lantern. How old will you turn on your next birthday? 24... wow. What are your plans to celebrate? Probably just go out to dinner with family. What floor do you live on? I only have one floor. Do you have a balcony? No. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? None. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? I've never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? I'm pretty sure I was in my entire school career... Damn dude, proud. Were you a straight A student in math? HA hell no. I could get a C sometimes. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? I wasn't, but I know people. Are you a Democrat or Republican, or neither? Neither. Independent. Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? My mom and dad, as far as bills go. Do you think you have an accent? Not really. Sometimes you can hear it, though. Have you been told you have an accent? Only when I was younger. I had a SERIOUS one. My family in NY couldn't even understand me sometimes, lmao. Where do you live (country or state)? North Carolina. If you could start a church, what would it be like? I wouldn't. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Nah. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Get a goddamn stable job. Do you know what your purpose in life is? Spreading the love and respect of animals and conservation. If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? N/A What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? Hypothetically, if I had/wanted kids, I'd enjoy carving pumpkins with them, obviously taking them trick-or-treating, autumnal crafts would be fun together, and watching Halloween/scary films appropriate to their age would be a nice experience. I'd decorate the house with them. Oh, a hayride would be cool together, I love those. AND DON'T FORGET JUMPING INTO LEAF PILES! I have a lot of ideas for someone who doesn't want to be a mom. Have you ever seen a fox? Yeah. At least one alive, a handful as roadkill. What color are the squirrels where you live? Brown. What do the trees look like where you live? Pine trees. Pine trees. What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? I really enjoyed the trip to Beaufort to an island of wild horses. The water was rough that day, and goddamn... watching the ocean in its aggression was unbelievable. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? UM, DID ANY KID NOT????? Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Gimme a science museum and I'm SOLD. What are three issues you are passionate about? GAY RIGHTS, wildlife and nature conservation, women's rights and the pro-choice argument. What are three countries you have no desire to visit? North Korea, Iraq, and... uh... idk. I guess the Middle East in general. That shit's rough. Do you like your country’s flag? Sure? Stars r dope? Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? NO. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Oh. My. God. When I was on three Klonopin a day (I'm now on just one and don't even take it every day), I literally could not function. There was one day in particular (I was on three very briefly bc of this) where I just slept until evening. I physically could not stay awake. I remember I was in the middle of watching a Game Grumps' Mario playthrough, and I'd only last like, ten minutes before I HAD to lie back down, and I'd fall back asleep in like, a minute. That was one of the most awful days ever, I was miserable. Do you like bath bombs? Sure, they're pretty. Who is your favorite neighbor? I don't actually know any. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? He's not very small, I think he's at about a million and a half subs, but Timmy Timato is so fucking iconic. He is an Actual Mood. I have no interest in what he actually posts; I just watch for him. As well, Johnny Paranormal is cool; he's a fuckin awesome guy and is chill and relaxing to watch. I don't watch him religiously, though. Rarely, actually. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? HAVE U HEARD OF????? THE MARKIPLIER GUY??????? What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? I think it was the Pussycat Dolls, fuck off, don't say shit 2 me "Buttons" is still dope. Do you like Disney movies? Blocked & reported if you don't. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Man idk, I enjoy a lot. I enjoyed The Avengers, and Logan REALLY tugged at my heart. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? Probably like... two days, lmao. It's not like I have a lot of experience. Have you ever been scammed? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? It's fine. Do you struggle with acne? No, not anymore. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? RP is definitely the "strangest." Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Are you the clubbing type? Definitely not. Never been, not interested. Bar goer? No. I don't trust strangers + alcohol, and I'd be really scared of being hit on. Song you can’t stand? I don't think there's a song I've heard that I hate more than "Welcome To The Machine" by Pink Floyd. Well, correction, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That autotuned to all fuck voice is just... major ew. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Jason is. Well, if he looks the same as last time I saw him, which was in 2017. Juan doesn't look half bad. Aaron's cute. What is unattractive about them? Jason: fucking communication skills. Juan: his reckless streak. Aaron: nothing that I know of, he's a sweetie and on a great path. Your hottest ex’s name starts with the letter what? J. Pick two highlighter colors: Yellow, Pink, Blue, Purple, Orange. Pink and orange. Has anyone ever written on you? Who hasn't been written on by friends with markers as a kid? Have you ever dated a fat person? Yes. Have you ever dated someone with a fine ass body? I mean this with total respect and love towards her: Sara's body is genuinely sexy. Her figure is amazing. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for? Yeah, for prom, as well as my sister's wedding. Do you welcome people back when they say they have returned? Yes. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream? I fucking hate whipped cream. How long would it take you to walk to the nearest fire hydrant? I've never paid attention, actually... Do you own anything that has the words or picture of ‘mustache’? Well my Mark tribute tat has the Iconic pink mustache on it, and the texting screen background on my phone is also a pink mustache collage-y thing lmao. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up? Yeah, sometimes. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? On a burger. How would you feel marrying the man you love who has already a son? I don't love a man, and I wouldn't marry anyone with a kid. Have you ever played Roller Coaster Tycoon? What did you think of it? No, but I had SeaWorld Tycoon or whatever it was called. I loved that game. When you are chopping onions, does it really affect your eyes personally? I've never cut an onion myself, but when I'm in the proximity of someone doing it, I feel mild irritation. How long can you hold your breath for? Is there anyone who is better? Idk, I don't feel like testing it. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name? I couldn't even try to guess. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Do you enjoy mayonnaise with French fries? Why or why not? Um that sounds disgusting. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? Actually, he warned me that he can and he was nervous about me ever seeing it. I, thank Christ, never witnessed it, though. I would've broken the fuck down, I can't handle angry men. What was the topic discussed in the last meeting you attended? I don't know the last time I went to a "meeting." Honestly, when’s the last time you genuinely liked someone? Now. Are you Team Jacob, Team Edward, or you just don’t care? I've never been into Twilight, but I find Jacob way more attractive. Do you like it when questions are long and make you think? Yes. Have you ever had love at first sight happen to you? No. Do you think Avatar is really all that great? I'm assuming you mean the movie and not TLA? I never saw the full thing, but I would love it. Love or trust? Trust, I think. You can't love someone in a healthy fashion if you don't trust them. What do you think about sexting? Not about that personally. That'd be so awkward. Have you ever done it? Those days where RP mating scenes on YouTube were over private message, timeskipping wasn't a thing... oh boy. It WAS uncomfortable. Would you ever swim with dolphins? Yeah! Have you ever believed a stereotype? Probably at some point. Have you ever tried marijuana? No, though tbh I probably would (but not through smoking it) for anxiety and panic attacks if it was legal in my state. Is there any reason you should be in jail right now? Can you go to jail for illegally downloading, or it is just a fine? Idk. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? I mean, it was decent. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Latin. That shit was so hard. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, for panic attacks. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Heartbreak. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Yes, but Mom played a larger role. Did any of the classes you took in high school count towards uni credit? No. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. Do you plan outfits? "Not unless it’s a special occasion." <<< Are your parents strict? No. Would you go sky diving? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights, and I'd be really scared the parachute wouldn't deploy. Who sits behind you in your math class? Quite honestly, a bitch. She always has shit to say under her breath. Do you have good vision? No, it's awful. When was the last time you watched a show for people younger than you? Last I was with Sara. We're watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together. Have you ever snuck someone into your house before? No. Is there something your significant other does that bothers you completely? She's competitive and admits to it. A lot, particularly in writing, is a "mine needs to be better" thing. When was the last time you kissed someone on the cheek? When I saw my niece and nephew at my nephew's birthday party. How many best friends do you have? One. Did you ever get bullied as a child or were you the bully? Neither. Would you rather eat grape or strawberry jelly or jam? GRAPE. I hate strawberry jam/jelly. Do your parents ever send you to do their grocery shopping for them? No. Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I don't think I do personally. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was like... 11-12 or so, maybe? Possibly younger? Have you ever had a significant other who hit you? Fuck no. Do you own any exercise machines? No. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? If I need to, sure. School leaves me voicemails sometimes if I miss a call. Do you live in your hometown? No. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? Not very festive, but I mean, I enjoy 'em. Did you/Will you attend college? I'm back in college now!! You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. Listening to music fitting my mood helps me feel related to and not alone. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you watch the news? No. What hooks you to a television show? The most important thing is A GOOD PLOT!!! It needs to be really interesting to me, bc I do NOT get into shows easily. As for funny shows, they need to be fuuuuunny. I don't think I could ever get "hooked" on a show again, though. I just don't watch TV. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Yes. On the morphine occasion, it didn't do jackshit. I don't think they gave me nearly enough. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? The #1 thing that most fits the definition of "skin crawling" to me is seeing a fetus move from outside the stomach, especially the further the mother is along. It's fucking alien-esque and actually makes me scream and panic. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? It can be either. Do you have a dining room in your house? No. Do you know the alphabet in any other languages? Very close to all of German's. I blank and aren't sure on a couple. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever been surfing? No.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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claire-de-macarune · 6 years ago

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Get ready kids because somebody called for all the Hayley Kiyoko asks

and that somebody was @cremlim. You may have gotten more than you bargained for, but thanks, darling! <3

sleepover: have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? if it was in the past, do you wish that you told them?

Ugghhhh yea. I’ve told some and not others. The current one is rough because she’s straight (?) and we talked about her boy problems and i just wanted her to be happy, so i worked some fairy gaymother magic and now they’re dating which is… yeah.

I just kinda sucked it up and made a playlist into which i deposit all my sad gay pining. It’s about three hours long and Sleepover is the first track.

curious: do you drink? what’s your favourite drink? what drink isn’t your thing?

I am a connoisseur of fine juices. ;)

I’m a big smoothie girl, so a mango smoothie bubble tea is probably my fave. I like sodas or bitter things, for the most part. I’m a wine mom type and definitely think that it will be my alcohol go-to once I’m of age,

girls like girls: what’s your sexuality? how did you discover it? or have you just always known?

I’m a lesbean. :)

My first crush was Daphne from Scooby-Doo (i’ve given you that information, now use it wisely. by which i mean, don’t use it. please god.), so that was a landmark. I kind of always subconsciously know, but growing up I didn’t actually know what being LGBT+ was because my parents never made a big deal about it. We have straight friends, we have gay friends, so I wasn’t aware that sexuality and discourse around it was even a thing until I was around twelve.

feelings: how do you think others perceive you? how do you perceive yourself?

People find me intimidating because I’m confident, intentional, verbose, and organized. That’s how I like it.

I alternate between between our class emotional support animal and class cryptid, and it’s the most fun thing ever. I am both mom and monster muahahaha

gravel to tempo: have you come out to anyone? if yes, who was the first person you told? if no, do you want to? who would you tell first?

I don’t actually remember first coming out to anyone in particular. There was one time when my group of friends (3 other girls) and i were having a sleepover and they were all like, “we’re bi” and i was like “what’s that” and they were like “we like girls too” and i was like “cool. i mean, personally i think boys suck and look like potatoes carved by a toddler and when i entertain the notion of kissing or marrying one i would literally rather eat sandpaper for the rest of my life, but cool” and they were like “how are you so comfortable with this? a lesbian GOD!” and i just went with it.

(for the record, it wasn’t a trendy thing and they were really scared and all felt really gross about it bc their religious families taught them that being gay was wrong and didn’t talk about bisexuality at all so i went out and did some research and came back and assured them that everything they were feelign was valid and okay and we were really safe spaces for each other in that shitty middle school time when everything is just awful. nothing but love and respect for my first priestesses and bi babes!)

pretty girl: who was the most recent crush you had? do you still like them? did you tell them/do you want to tell them?

(see sleepover. this song is also on the playlist.)

what i need: who are your favourite gay artists? what are your favourite gay songs?

Well, Hayley Kiyoko (obviously), Janelle Monae, and King Princess are the big ones. I’m always open to hearing more! Honorable mentions to “Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert, “Crimson and Clover” by Joan Jett, and the soundtrack of Fun Home (even though it’s got some problematic things with predatory gays) because I cry every time I listen to it, especially on “Changing My Major”, “Days and Days and Days”, and fuckin “Telephone Wire” (“Come to the Fun Home” is a whole bop. Only gay in that I, a certified gay, enjoy it.)

ease my mind: what makes you feel at peace? what is your perfect future like? what do you do at the end of a long day to unwind?

Reading, writing (in theory lol), drawing, and singing relax me (dance too, but I’m not allowed to do it anymore cuz I’m broken). I also recently started teaching myself the guitar.

I don’t really have a set perfect future, but honestly, I’d take one in which we avoid nuclear winter, world war III, and climate change. The more I think about growing up, the more skeptical I become about whether I’ll actually get to do it and that’s insanely scary.

let it be: who was your worst heartbreak? have you ever been in love? do you even believe in love?

TW: suicide

One of my best friends (⅓ of my nervous bi darlings) ended her life almost two years ago. So that fuckin’ messed me up.

I don’t know. Usually, I’d say I think I’m kind of young to really even know how, but that’s not quite true. I guess I’ll say that I have loved but I haven’t yet been in love. Theoretically speaking, there’s so much of my life ahead of me that the probability of having that experience so early, especially with a limited romantic pool (being a queer poc in the south), is low.

And I’ve just recently fallen in love with myself, thus heightening my standards. I’ve been awful about getting into relationships in the past because i was afraid of saying no and hurting that person’s feelings, but lately i value my own happiness above the appeasement of others to my detriment. I just feel like I’m still learning and getting comfortable in that space, and the opportunity hasn’t really presented itself yet. But i think that it’s possible, someday. I’m a hopeful hopeless romantic.

cliff’s edge: what’s on your bucket list? where would like to travel? what makes your heart race?

I want to try everything at least once. I want to learn how to be the truest, most fully-realized version of myself I can. I don’t have a set list of life, I just hope it will be some kind of spectacular.

I want to see the world. Everywhere. But beyond that, I want to be a part of it. I want to be a true global citizen, experience a life past myself every day. I dream of having the freedom to continuously explore and grow in hopes of doing some good, internally or externally, along the way.

he’ll never love you: were you ever in denial about your sexuality? were you ever in denial of a crush? do you like to talk about your crushes to your friends?

Not denial, per se, I just didn’t know what was going on. It was a pretty straightforward, comfortable call once I had the information I needed.

I’m able to employ logic in most situations and strip myself of an unwanted crush using that, but most i’m aware of and suffer in silence.

Yesss. I’m bad at making those kinds of decisions by myself and having people who genuinely care ask me questions or even just talk to me about it helps me process. Often, this results in being teased about said crush, but I don’t mind.

wanna be missed: how dependent or independent are you in a relationship? do you like a lot of space, or a lot of intimacy? how do you feel about electronic (vs face to face) communication?

Ummm, I kinda tend to lead, just because that’s what I’m accustomed to. It’s a role I fill because everyone else avoids it in the other arenas of my life, so I’ve mostly been independent and directing in my relationships. This last one actually threw me for a loop because the dynamic was flipped; they were so sweet and thoughtful and proactive in romancing me i didn’t really know what to do with myself. I’ve gotten over the initial shock (now, what, 5? 6 months later?) and found that I liked that too.

I like a healthy balance of distance and closeness. Fun fact: my love languages are quality time and physical touch, so when i’m with someone i pretty much just want to cuddle with them all the time. I don’t know, it really depends on the person and the relationship and whatever is going on with me individually.

I’m cool with digital communication, but i’m also a granny when it comes to technology so I can have a little trouble with more nuanced text/social media culture. Also, my phone is always on silent (not even vibrate, because i’m wacky like that) so if you want an immediate answer, face-to-face is better. Also the physical touch thing, also that way i can read expressions better.

Bonus: i can also hold your hand and kiss your cute face!

under the blue/take me in: are you happy where you are right now? if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? what’s your favourite aspect of yourself?

I mean, I’d rather not be in constant debilitating pain, I (apparently) have some tangling with anxiety i need to do, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I’m a lot better than I have been, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t know if true happiness is a consistent, determinable state, but I take what I can get.

I don’t think there’s one big thing I would change. It’s more like a handful of small things. But if I had to choose, I’d fix whatever is wrong with my spine/neck/whatever. I feel like I’m on the cusp of my life finally beginning and I’m trapped by something as trivial as my body. It’s exhausting and I really need it to be over. It feels selfish, but I could do the most good for myself and others if I could put this behind me.

Favorite aspect of myself? That’s like asking me to pick a favorite book! Or child! Impossible: that’s a trick question. Sure, she’s a batshit, messy bitch, but I love myself. She and I are in it for the long run. ;)

palace: who is your favourite memory? what’s your favourite story with/about them? why don’t you two speak anymore?

The first girl I ever loved is mostly a memory now. It’s hard to pick a favorite story about her, but our first kiss story is pretty soft and gay, kind of like something out of a fairytale or a tropey fic, so I guess I’ll say that.

We had just finished seventh grade.

Some background: That April, we went to D.C. for our annual class trip. There were ten of us and only four girls, so we all shared a hotel room (and they were roommates!) We split the beds (we’d all known each other for seven years, it was just like sharing with a sister) and stayed up super late, intermittently playing truth or dare and talking about life. She and I philosophized into the early morning (there was only one bed!!), she told me she liked me, and I fell asleep before I could do anything about it. Apparently, we ended up cuddling, because when I woke up, i was warm because she’d wrapped around me (and drooled down my collarbone, but whatever).

Okay, so, every spring, after graduation, our school had a picnic at the park down by a shallow length of the river where the kids would swim after lunch. We hadn’t done anything about our feelings yet, and I was leaving for another school. She took me around the bend in the river and we swam into the basin there. She wasn’t as strong a swimmer as I was, so she put her arms around my neck, and I held us both up in water deeper than both of us were tall. She said she was going to miss me, and then she kissed me. For a while.

Then, we saw a snake and frantically flailed to shore, laughing until our lungs hurt.

We don’t talk anymore because she became mentally unstable soon after that, and it wasn’t safe for either of us to continue interacting. I’ve seen her a few times since, but I don’t anticipate that we’ll ever be that close again, and that’s okay.

mercy/gatekeeper: what was a difficult time in your life? what did you do/what are you doing to get through it? who has been the most helpful?

molecules: have you ever lost anyone close to you? if yes, how did it feel at the time and how does it feel now to talk about them? do you fear death?

TW: suicide

One of my childhood best friends killed herself in the first month of our freshman year. It was totally out of the blue, and the timing was absolutely horrible. I was just getting everything I wanted, I was having the time of my life and then everything just stopped in its tracks. Except it didn’t. The world kept turning and she was gone and I had lab reports due and she was gone and there were play rehearsal and holidays and deadlines and life incessantly barreling forward and she was gone. I woke every morning with a pit in my stomach, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. It was like something had been cut open inside me and life was just pouring out behind me but I couldn’t feel any of it. And no one else around me seemed to care. Every day I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, and everyone else had a smile on their face and laughed like it was nothing and complained about stubbing toes and bad grades and fighting with their parents.

I don’t really know how I got through it. I mean, I went to therapy, but it didn’t really help. I couldn’t talk to people about it, even when I wanted to. I couldn’t cry for the longest time. I wrote about it some. I left her voicemails. I raged through glass recycling. I guess I just trudged on, dragged myself onward because stopping wasn’t an option. Because if I did, even for a moment, I wouldn’t have enough strength to start again.

I’m better now, I guess. I can talk about it and her and I feel mostly human most days, but it’s still a presence in my life I wish I could escape. I still don’t know where they buried her.

I do not fear death.

one bad night: do you like casual or serious relationships? have you ever done anything illegal, wrong, or stupid for the sake of love?

Hoo boy, I’m bad at casual relationships. I get too attached (*feelings plays in the background*), and it becomes serious. Oddly enough, it doesn’t really scare people away. The older I get the further I’ll probably get from playful dalliances, but every once in a while, as the stakes are low, I’m down for just having fun and enjoying someone’s company.

palm dreams: do you like parties or quiet nights in? would you want to/did you stay in your hometown after moving out? what’s your ideal saturday night like?

I am an introverted smol, and big parties make me nervous. I can handle and even enjoy the odd bash here and there, but too many too often wears me out. Smaller groups are better, but my favorite size is a book or maybe one other human.

Nooooooo, man, I am going to college out of state, far away, and I am not moving back here. I love my city dearly, but I need to find my own corner of the sky. :)

I love a night at the theatre, preceded by a quiet dinner with a couple close friends and followed by something sweet, some tea, and reading a good book with my feline.

#answer #s #wow #that took a minute #here #have my life story and emotions #@cremlim #thank you thank you #this was fun #i may or may not have cried #in other news #i love hayley kiyoko #don't mind my inconsistent Capitalization

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captaincanarygotmelike · 6 years ago

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Voices Carry Alternate Ending

So I promised an alt. ending to Voices Carry literally in July. Whoops. Anyway, if you’re new, you should probably read the original fic (linked here) bc this won’t make a whole lot of sense if you don’t but it’s your life.

Read on AO3

Read on Fanfiction.net

“Avery’s dancing with someone and it isn’t me?” Leonard heard someone exclaim.

He looked over in time to see Avery run over and jump into Felicity’s arms, letting her swing her around in circles.

Leonard felt someone grab his hand.

“You wanna dance, Leonard?” Sara asked, a smirk on her lips.

Leonard tried to smirk back, but found that he couldn’t, his body paralyzed, his eyes seeing nothing but darkness.

You wanna dance, Leonard?

The words reverberated in his mind until they took on a new voice.

Or…the same voice, but different somehow. Maybe younger? Older? He couldn’t tell. Different definitely. More of a joking tone, as if Sara — yes, he was sure it was still Sara — knew he would say no.

No thanks, I’ll watch.

His voice now, although he hadn’t spoken them.

Suit yourself.

Sara again, indifference in her voice, like she was talking to a stranger.

The world around Leonard was still dark, or maybe he just couldn’t open his eyes.

Dollar beers.

Mick’s words, rough and jagged, floated into his mind like a bubble.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Avery, her voice high and sweet.

Gotta love the seventies.

Mick again.

The seventies?

An image flickered into Leonard’s mind of a bar he had never been in, an old jukebox in the corner, a deer head mounted on a tall post, red, knotty wood making up almost every surface, and Sara standing in front of him.

Her hair was longer than he remembered, and she was wearing some sort of costume? Something he’d never seen before: white and leather with a halter neck.

Suit yourself.

Sara handed him her beer, the bottle cold in the palm of his hand.

Recognition flooded his mind as the White Canary walked into the empty space of the bar in St. Roch, Louisiana, 1975.

He and Sara and Mick had all just joined the time traveling mission to save time from Vandal Savage. They were benched from the first mission, so they crashed a bar.

They weren’t benched from other missions though. He remembered breaking into Savage’s house with Mick and…tall…painfully optimistic…Ray. He remembers the rest of the team now, Kendra, Jax, Stein, and Rip, their captain. He remembers breaking Mick and Ray out of a Russian gulag. He remembers nearly freezing in the cargo hold of the Waverider, Mick’s betrayal and return, pointing the cold gun at Sara. He remembers holding down the failsafe at the Oculus Wellspring.

Me and you.

You wanna steal a kiss from me, Leonard.

Leonard.

“Leonard!”

The voice was louder now, solid, and certainly not Sara’s.

Snart!”

It’s lower, a man’s, but not as low as Mick’s, somewhere in the middle.

His eyes opened and he could see again, for the first time since the wedding.

His wedding.

His vision focused and he recognized the med bay on the Waverider, clean and painfully bright.

Ray Palmer stood beside the bed.

“You’re awake!” he exclaimed. His face was as bright as ever, but there was still concern in his eyes.

“Thanks for letting me know,” he grumbled, pushing himself into a more upright position.

There was a beat of silence.

“What happened?” he finally asked.

He hadn’t wanted to say it, to admit to Raymond and himself the position of vulnerability he was in.

“We’re not really sure,” Ray answered, looking intently at the screen displaying his vitals, “You, y’know, died when the Oculus blew up, or at least that’s what we thought. A year and half went by without any sign of you and then all of a sudden Gideon started freaking out and then we found you passed out in an alley behind some bar in Louisiana, 1975.”

Another second of silence.

“What happened?”

This time it was Ray who asked.

“I mean,” he continued, “did you get sucked into the timeline? Because that’s what I think happened.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Or maybe destroying the Oculus reset your timeline or, what do you think?” Ray paused when he realized Leonard wasn’t responding, “Hey, are you okay?”

“I need to talk to Rip,” he said, “Alone.”

Confusion etched itself across Ray’s face, but he hid it surprisingly well.

Leonard wasn’t surprised by his concern. The more he came to remember who he was here, on the Waverider, the more he recognized that genuinely seeking out their captain was extremely out of character.

“Rip is,” Ray hesitated, “not here.”

“Not here?”

“Look, I know it’s been a while, but—”

“Who’s Captain, then?”

“Sara.”

Leonard felt a pang in her heart at her name.

“Oh.”

“But I’ve been working pretty closely with Gideon,” Ray said hurriedly, “I can try to help.”

Leonard said nothing, gesturing for him to continue.

“I assume you want to figure out what happened. You are aware of how you…” he paused, “…left us — I guess died isn’t really the best word now.”

“The Oculus.”

“Right. We thought the Oculus explosion killed you. Gideon never found any traces of your survival, so we just assumed you had died. We did have some other theories, so we set up an alert if you ever turned up anywhere. Eighteen months later, here we are.”

“I just, what, showed up?”

“Seems like it,” Ray replied, “in St. Roch, 1975 at the bar you went to with Mick and Sara.”

Leonard let his eyes close at the sound of Sara’s name.

“What?” Ray asked. Leonard opened his eyes and shook his head.

“Where did I come from?” he asked, hearing anger in his voice he hadn’t realized he was feeling.

“We don’t know — not yet anyway. I’m almost afraid to ask, but,” Ray hesitated, “where were you?”

Leonard exhaled heavily.

“I was—” he stopped for a moment, thinking, “I think I was on…not this Earth. Another one. I was me, but things about me were different.”

“Different how?”

“I was still Captain Cold,” he answered, “but I hid who I really was. My sister wasn’t Golden Glider, Mick wasn’t Heatwave — Mick wasn’t around at all really.”

“And you didn’t work on the — a — Waverider, or with anybody on this team?”

“No— well, not entirely.”

“What do you mean?”

“I knew — know — Sara.”

“Oh,” he said, his eyebrows raised, “And you were with her?”

“Yeah, you could say that,” he replied, feeling a smirk creep onto his lips.

“So let me get this straight,” Ray said, starting a slow pace around the med bay, “You have all your memories from your life on this other earth, from childhood to today. And you have all your memories from your life on this Earth?”

“As of ten minutes ago, yes.”

Ray nodded slowly.

“Okay, well, the first thing we did when we got you to the med bay was run a test to see if you are really you — our Earth’s you.”

“And?”

“You are the Earth-One Leonard Snart. The cells in your right hand are younger than the rest of your body, from when you had to regrow it two years ago. According to Gideon, that event is unique to Earth-One Leonard Snart.

“Lucky me.”

“So now we have to ask, how did you end up on another Earth?” Ray continued, “And which Earth was it?”

“You think that’s what happened?”

“Well, my other thought is that you were in a dream world, you know, inside your head, but given how visceral your knowledge of this other life is, I don’t really think that’s the case,” Ray replied. His face clouded over in thought, “Or maybe the aliens.”

“What?”

Rip shook his head.

“Never mind. Probably not. Anyway, we can run a search to figure out what Earth you ended up on, but we’ll need to go to the bridge. Gideon, is Snart okay to make it there alright?”

“Yes, Mr. Palmer, I believe Mr. Snart has recovered enough to not need the services of the medical bay.”

“Perfect.”

Ray took a step back and waited while Leonard got to his feet.

“So,” he said as they walked down the corridor leading to the bridge, “What I think happened is when you destroyed the Oculus, the explosion pulled you into the time stream of another Earth, and you became an anachronism.”

“What’s an anachronism?” Leonard asked drily.

“Man, have you missed a lot,” Ray sighed, “Anachronisms are changes to the timeline that were caused by the ripple effect of other changes. Stein caused an anachronism when he gave his younger self some advice and now he has a daughter, Lily. He has memories of both lives, with and without Lily, same as you with the two Earths.”

“So…” Leonard said, trailing off when he couldn’t find a way to continue.

“I can find the Earth you were on if you want,” Ray suggested.

After a moment of thought, Leonard nodded.

“Okay, so I just need a detail that could be unique to that particular Earth, like how having to regenerate your hand is unique to you,” he explained. By that time, they had reached the bridge, stopping in front of the holo table, “Do you have anything in mind?”

Leonard thought for a while, considering the two worlds he had lived in.

“Avery Lance.”

Ray met his eyes for a moment, but didn’t say anything.

“Gideon,” he called into the air, “Run a multiverse search for Avery Lance in the year 2018.

There was silence for a moment.

“I found records of an Avery Felicity Lance, age four, currently living in Central City on Earth sixty-three.”

Leonard wasn’t listening. A picture had appeared on the holo table — Avery, in a floral print skirt and pink blouse, sandals on her feet, a white bow in her wild curls, and backpack straps over her shoulders. Sara was crouched down at her side and they were both smiling into the camera.

Leonard knew this picture well. It was taken on Avery’s first day of preschool, and sat in a frame on a shelf in the living room.

He thought of Sara and Avery. The new weight of the wedding band on his ring finger had been a constant thought in his mind. He could only hope the mysterious ways of time were protecting them from what was going on, and he was trying to avoid altogether the thought of never returning to them.

“Snart,” Ray said, his voice softer than it had been thus far, “This is Earth-63-Sara’s daughter?” Leonard nodded, “And yours?”

“Not…biologically,” Leonard answered, not taking his eyes off the picture, “but she’s…” he trailed off, trying to find the right words, “I love her like she’s mine.”

“And Sara wasn’t just a business partner.”

“No,” he said, his voice soft, “Our wedding was today.”

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to share that particular part of his life, but at this point it didn’t seem to matter.

“Mazel Tov,” Ray replied somewhat uncomfortably.

“Thanks,” Leonard replied, expressionless.

“Well, Gideon and I are going to figure out how this happened. In the meantime, if you’d like to,” he paused, “reacquaint yourself with the ship and the team, you can.”

Leonard nodded curtly, turned, and headed for the metal doorway.

He’d be lying if he said his memory of the Waverider and its maze of corridors was perfect, but it was starting to come back to him. He made it back to his quarters relatively easily.

The doors opened automatically as he approached, and once inside, he was surrounded by his old belongings, although he wasn’t sure if old was the right word.

There was a frame on a black desk holding a faded photograph of Lisa at her high school graduation. On Earth-63, Leonard had a similar picture from Lisa’s college graduation, but he also knew on this Earth, Earth-1 Lisa hadn’t gone to college, and neither did he.

It was strange, when he first woke up, he had considered what was apparently Earth-63 to be his real Earth, but the longer he was here and the more he remembered, it was beginning to even out. He had lived both, and had memories of both lives. Both of them were real.

Leonard wasn’t sure if that was a reassuring thought. He wondered if he was stuck on this Earth now — although again, stuck didn’t seem like the right word, because there was a part of him that felt relieved to be back. Of course, there was an equally strong part of him that desperately wanted to return to Earth-63. He just wasn’t sure if that was a possibility.

He turned when he heard the sound of knocking on the metal door.

“Hey,” Jax said, taking a step into the room, “How’re you doing?”

“Fine,” he replied.

“I, uh, sort of accidentally overheard you and Ray on the bridge,” he said, “Look, I’m really sorry, man. I really hope we find a way to get you back to Earth-63 and your family, if that’s what you want.”

“So do I,” he replied.

“Have you said hi to the rest of the team yet?”

“No.”

“Well, you should. We missed you around here.”

Jax nodded once, then turned and left the room.

Leonard thought about what Jax had said and found he did want to talk to the team. He found he was beginning to remember the people he worked with for the five months he was on the Waverider before the Oculus. He remembered how much he cared about them. He realized that this was somewhat uncharacteristic for this version of him, but so was self-sacrifice to save all of history, at least it would have been when the mission began. The mission had changed him. He probably wouldn’t have let himself acknowledge that before, but at this point, it seemed sort of futile. He’d changed a lot on Earth-63 as well. It was a good thing. Barry — Earth-63 Barry — had said something only a few hours early which led him to realize that past versions of himself could never have been capable of being loved by Sara Lance. He’d continued to become a better person because of her. perhaps that’s why he drifted to Sara on this Earth as well.

When he’d first woken up, thoughts of returning to Earth-63 and Sara and Avery had nearly consumed him. Those thoughts certainly weren’t gone, but he couldn’t deny there was a part of him that wanted to stay here, on Earth-1. That thought left a somewhat bitter taste in his mouth. He had a wife and a daughter on Earth-63, yet he still felt a desire to stay here. He had unfinished business here, both on this Earth and on the Waverider.

He couldn’t help but think of Lisa. Did the team tell her what happened after the Oculus? Did she think he was dead? Leonard hadn’t bothered to tell her about the Waverider and the mission because he figured they’d return mere minutes after they left.

And what about Mick. He didn’t know why it had taken so long to think of his old friend, his partner, except perhaps that they hadn’t been as close on Earth-63 as they were here.

Either way, Leonard knew the last time they had interacted was when he had knocked Mick out with the cold gun to take his place at the Oculus.

He remember what Jax had said about visiting the team. Leonard sighed and headed for the door.

He remembered where Mick’s room was. He hadn’t gone there particularly often when he was on the ship. For as long and as well as they knew each other, they weren’t particularly close. He actually thought he might have spent more time in Sara’s room than Mick’s.

Predicting the future, he thought, then pushed the idea out of his mind, realizing as he did that he wasn’t sure which Sara he’d been thinking of.

He rounded a corner and nearly collided with someone. He took a step back and saw familiar light brown hair — the same color as Avery’s — messy in a way that seemed like it was on purpose. He was slightly more built than on Earth-63, but he was dressed the same: t-shirt and loose-fitting jeans.

“Hey,” he said, holding out a hand, “Nate Heywood. You must be Captain Cold. Ray talks about you all the time.”

Leonard stood still, not really sure how to react. He had never considered the potential overlaps between the two Earths he knew, overlaps he couldn’t foresee.

Nate Heywood hadn’t been on the team when Leonard was last a part of it, yet here he was. He wondered what else was different.

Had anybody else joined the team? He knew Rip was gone, although he didn’t know why — maybe after the Oculus they defeated Savage and saved Miranda and Jonas. Maybe he was with his family.

Either way, Sara was captain of the Waverider now, a fact he hadn’t gotten to process yet.

What about at home? Is Lisa dating Cisco on this Earth? Is she working on the Flash’s team? What about Malcolm Merlyn? As memories of Earth-1 returned to him, he remembered hearing about earthquakes in a district in Star City, attributed to Malcolm Merlyn. What was he doing now? Still in jail, hopefully.

“Hey,” Nate said, slowing lowering his hand, “You alright?”

“Peachy,” he replied, brushing past him towards Mick’s room.

It was a disaster zone.

Mick had always been the messiest person Leonard had ever known. This wasn’t particularly out of the norm when they were teenagers, but apparently he’d never grown out of it. At least something was consistent between the two Earths.

Mick was sitting on the edge of the bed, tinkering with the heat gun. He looked up.

“Mick,” he said, leaning against the doorframe.

“Heard you were back from the dead,” he replied, glancing up at him before looking back to his gun.

“Seems like it.”

“Haircut told me you were on a different Earth.”

“Seems like it.”

“He said you married Sara on that Earth,” Mick eventually said, “Nice job.”

“Thanks.”

Mick didn’t respond immediately, long enough for Leonard to think he should say more. He felt a strange need to apologize to him, but he wasn’t sure why.

“After you died, I told Sara that I wish I’d ‘a done more to push you together.”

“You knew?”

“ ‘course I know. The only ones on this tin can who didn’t know were you and Blondie. Glad to hear it worked out on one Earth, though.”

Leonard didn’t respond.

“Did you know me on this other Earth?” Mick asked.

“I did,” he replied, “We weren’t as close though, not in the last five or six years — remember Freeport Warehouse.”

“Yeah,” Mick said with one short laugh, “Almost didn’t get outta that one.”

“Well, we didn’t. Got three years each — except yours turned into seven because you kept pissing off the guards. After that we didn’t really work together much anymore.”

“Did you invite me to the wedding?”

“I did.”

“Did I come?”

“Yeah. You did.”

Neither spoke for a moment, Mick focusing on the heat gun, Leonard’s eyes roaming around the room that was becoming more familiar with each passing minute.

“You shouldn’t ‘a done it,” Mick said.

“Done what?”

“Knocked me out. Traded places with me.”

“Doesn’t seem like it really mattered in the end.” Leonard replied.

“Still. Shouldn’t ‘a done it. Not for me. Didn’t deserve it.”

Leonard furrowed his eyebrows. Apparently he wasn’t the only rogue who had changed during their time on the Waverider.

“Stein, Jax, and the boy scout are working on a way to get to your other Earth,” Mick continued, seeming unbothered by not getting a response to his previous statement. “You gonna go?”

Leonard didn’t answer immediately, even thought he knew what he was going to say. Mick’s question had made him realize that he was going to need to make a decision eventually, and the longer he stayed here, the harder that became.

“I really don’t know.”

—

Leonard left Mick’s room only a couple minutes later. Mick was a man of few words, and Leonard could sense when the conversation would go no further.

He headed back towards his room the way he came. He was nearing the corridor leading to the bridge when a familiar figure walked out of it and turned his way.

Leonard was standing face to face with Sara Lance. Sara’s expression was one he’d never seen before — not on this version nor her Earth-63 counterpart — holding both anger and sadness. He felt his lips involuntarily part, his eyes softening.

Leonard saw something change on Sara’s face, and before he knew what was happening, she surged towards him and they were kissing.

Kissing this Earth’s Sara was not like kissing the Sara on Earth-63. That Sara was gentler, not hardened by years on a remote island inhabited by training assassins. This Sara’s strength was apparent in her touch, one hand on his cheek, the other on the back of his neck.

Everything came flooding back to him, the smirks exchanged over the holo table during team meetings, fighting back to back against Savage’s army — not even fighting with Mick was as effortless. Everything about this Sara he’d ever thought and felt came back.

He pulled away. He met her eyes, seeing the sadness had returned.

“Sara—”

She shook her head, opening her mouth to speak and closing it again before she brushed past him.

Leonard watched her go for a moment before he sighed and continued towards his room.

—

He didn’t leave his quarters at all after his interaction with Sara. A couple hours later, Ray poked his head into the room.

“Hey,” he said, “So I’ve been talking to Gideon and we think we figured out a way to get you back to Earth-63— if you wanted.”

Leonard didn’t say anything so he continued.

“And we think we figured out a way to sort of reset the timeline there, so if you wanted to stay here, it’ll be like nothing ever happened. Nobody gets hurt. I could explain how it all works if you wanted—”

“No thanks.”

“Yeah, sorta figured,” he shrugged, “Anyway, I know it’s a tough decision so take your time.”

He backed out of the room and the metal doors slid closed.

A few minutes later, he heard another voice in the doorway.

“Hey.”

Leonard turned his head to see Sara in the spot Ray had just left.

“I’m sorry about—” she hesitated, “I’m sorry about before. I…your expression when…I’m just sorry. Ray told me about Earth-63, how you’re married to…to that version of me, and about your daughter.”

He nodded slowly.

“What’s her name?” Sara asked, moving farther into the room.

“Avery Felicity Lance,” he replied, unable to conceal the small smile that appeared on his face.

“Felicity?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re closer with her on my — that — Earth than here.”

“The timelines are different?”

He nodded.

“How?” she asked, “How did I end up — not what I am today.”

“You didn’t go on the boat.”

Sara went still. Leonard knew she had always wondered who she would be had she not gone on the Queen’s Gambit with Oliver. Maybe this was it. Maybe she would finish college, become a cop, have a daughter.

She wouldn’t meet him though. He knew that much. His past on Earth-63 was bad, but his past here was much, much worse. Putting aside other discrepancies that would stand between them meeting (for one, he was pretty sure he’d never even seen the apartment building he and his sister had lived in on Earth-63, the one where he and Sara had met), there was no possibility Sara would give him the time of day. None.

“What else?” she asked.

“Your parents are still divorced and your mom still lives in Central City, but your dad is married to Felicity’s mother.”

“Really?” Sara interjected, “I don’t think they even know each other here.”

“Tommy’s alive,” he continued. She nodded, “He’s married to your sister.”

He saw her eyes widen slightly, her lips parting.

“What?”

“My sister died,” she told him, “sometime during the first few months of the mission. I found out after you…after the Oculus.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sara nodded, then shook her head, straightening.

“What else?” she asked, “So I didn’t go on the boat. What’d I end up doing?”

“You’re a cop,” he replied.

“Really?”

He nodded, “Actually, a homicide detective. you led the case to catch Captain Cold.”

“Is that how we met?” she asked, laughing.

“No,” he smirked.

“Why do I feel like that’s a long story,” she replied. He nodded, the smirk becoming a smile before he could stop it. “What about my — her — daughter? How old is she?”

“Four,” he replied, “Turns five in March.”

“Can I see her?”

Leonard pulled his phone out of his back pocket and opened a folder of photos he had of Avery. He knew there were a few photos of Sara — Earth-63 Sara — in there as well.

He watched as Sara looked at the pictures.

“She’s cute,” she told him, smiling as she swiped through the blurry selfies Avery had taken in the few seconds before Leonard noticed, “Baby pictures?”

Sara tipped the phone towards him so he could see a photo of Avery when she was a little over a year old, standing on chunky little legs in Dinah Lance’s kitchen. Her light brown curls were shorter, but just as wild.

He nodded.

“Huh,” she said, “I just never saw you as the kind of dad who had baby pictures on his phone.”

He didn’t. Well, not really. He had pictures of Avery now, mostly ones she’d taken herself. The only baby pictures he had of her were sent by Sara — Avery had needed them for a homework assignment.

“Do you know who her…” Sara hesitated, “biological dad is?”

“Yeah,” he replied. He sensed her next question and shook his head, “Doesn’t matter who.”

Sara nodded. A moment later, her face clouded over.

“Oh God, tell me it’s not Oliver.”

“It’s not Oliver,” he chuckled.

Sara stilled. Leonard remembered that the version of him Sara remembered rarely ever laughed or smiled (besides out of sarcasm, anyway).

He watched her sigh.

“You’re not staying,” she said. It wasn’t a question. She already knew the answer.

“No.”

“Because of them.”

“I love them,” he said, “more than I thought I ever could.”

She exhaled.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“No, I get it,” she shook her head. She waited a beat and then continued, “You should know — and I’m not saying this to convince you to stay, I swear — it really sucks not having you on the Waverider. It does. There’s too many Ray’s on board now. I wish you were here to balance things out.”

He chuckled.

“You still have Mick,” he replied.

“Mick’s not as good at pushing buttons as you were,” she shook her head, smiling slightly, “Team hasn’t been the same without you.”

He didn’t respond. There wasn’t anything he could say.

Sara spoke again.

“I wish I hadn’t left.”

“The Oculus?”

“No — well, yes — but I mean my room. When you came to talk to me.”

“Oh.”

“I always wondered…” she trailed off momentarily, “if I hadn’t left and we had kept talking and…stuff, would you still have taken Mick’s place.”

Leonard didn’t answer immediately. His conversation with Sara then had gone exactly how he thought it would, but if it hadn’t, if it had gone differently, maybe he would have made a different choice.

“I don’t know,” he replied honestly, “But you should know I meant what I said about thinking about you. I think that’s why I did what I did on the bridge, pulling the cold gun on you.”

“You know, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to justify that kind of thing,” Sara said, her lips turning up in a smirk.

“I’m not,” he replied, “I was a jerk —”

“Guilty,” Sara cut in, still smirking, and Leonard felt a pang in his chest.

“I was a jerk,” he repeated, “but I think I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t care as much as I did.”

“And did it work.”

“No.”

“Captain,” Gideon’s voice rang out across the room, “Ray would like you to know that the tech to send Mr. Snart back to Earth-63 is ready.”

“Okay,” Sara replied. She met Leonard’s eyes, “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

—

“You’re sure this is what you want?” Ray asked when he and Sara were on the bridge. Leonard said nothing but raised an eyebrow at him, “Okay, well, you should know Gideon wants to erase your memories — you know, of this Earth.”

“Why?”

“After we bring you to Earth-63, we can’t come back, and there’s no way for you to get in contact with us. That’s not gonna be a problem if you don’t remember any of us and all of this. Besides, I can’t imagine wanting to have memories of two lives in a world where only one happened.”

“Fine.”

“Alright, so we figured out a way to sort of…beam you into Earth-63 in the exact place you left, and we’ll erase your memory then.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Ray repeated. He took on a look that conveyed a taxing internal debate before stepping forward and hugging Leonard.

“That was unnecessary,” he grumbled when Ray relinquished him.

Mick then moved forwards.

“I’m glad you’re not dead,” he told him as Leonard shook his hand.

“Me too. Tell my sister what happened.”

“ ‘Course.”

Jax and Stein both shook Leonard’s hand and then stepped back.

Sara started moving towards him, arms crossed in front of her.

“We’re gonna miss you around here,” she said. She stopped when she was just in front of him and turned to Ray. “He’s not gonna remember anything?”

“Not anything, just nothing from this Earth. Gideon said tha—”

“Perfect,” Sara breathed, grabbing Leonard’s face and capturing his lips with hers.Leonard gave into the kiss that time, snaking his arms around her waist.

“What the hell?” he heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Nate whisper.

Sara’s hands trailed from his face to around his neck as she deepened the kiss. Leonard remembered the last time he had kissed Sara, when they were at the Oculus. He remembered when she pulled away, their eyes meeting. He remembered trying to memorize every inch of her in the seconds before she left.

Sara pulled away, untwining her arms from around his shoulders. Leonard didn’t move his hands from her waist. He met her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice low. She shook her head.

“Don’t,” she replied just as softly, “It’s okay.”

Finally, he let his arms drop and Sara stepped away from him.

“Ready?” Ray asked again.

“Yeah,” Leonard nodded.

Ray lifted his arm. In his hand was a small white gun with a wide, box-shaped barrel that looked not unlike the one Rip Hunter had used on him when he was first pulling together the team.

Leonard’s eyes flicked to Sara. Her expression was the same as when they were at the Oculus.

She gave him a small, almost imperceptible nod. He heard the click of the trigger, and as he turned back to Ray, a flash of white light completely consumed his vision.

—

“Hey,” Sara said, her hand moving to his arm. He met her eyes, seeing concern written on her face, “You okay? It looked like we lost you for a second.”

Leonard processed again where he was, saw the twinkling lights hung around them, illuminated by the steadily setting sun, heard the last few notes of Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together beginning to fade. He looked back to Sara, saw her in her wedding dress, felt the weight of her hand on his arm, and smiled.

“Just realizing how lucky I am,” he said.

“Oh really?” Sara asked, a smirk on her lips and eyebrows raised, “And why is that?”

“I dunno,” he replied, his arms moving to around her waist, “maybe because you’re beautiful and smart and strong.”

“I’m also your wife,” Sara replied, the smirk turning into a smile as she looped her arms around his neck.

“You’re proving my argument,” he murmured against her lips before Sara kissed him.

—

“Would you like me to land, Captain,” Gideon asked.

Sara didn’t answer immediately, looking out the jumpship window at the couple on the dance floor.

“Uh…no, Gideon,” she replied, “We’re leaving in a second.”

She continued looking at the scene below her. She’d never seen a more beautiful wedding before, with the lights and lanterns hanging from the rustic wooden frame lighting up the shiny black and white dance floor and the tables and chairs filled with people. She didn’t consider herself to be a wedding person — she hadn’t really even thought about the possibility of having one since before the Gambit. Maybe this version of her was.

She saw her father dancing with a blonde woman she had to assume was Felicity’s mother — Leonard really wasn’t kidding about that, she supposed.

Her eyes landed on Laurel then, and she felt tears pricking her eyes. She was dancing with Tommy a couple yards away from Leonard and this Earth’s Sara. She was laughing at something Tommy had said as they swayed back and forth to the music.

“Gideon, is there any way I can hear what’s going on down there — without them noticing, obviously.”

There was a click and then the first chorus of The Way You Look Tonight started playing in the jumpship.

“Daddy!” Sara heard a high voice call. She watched a little girl run across the dance floor and jump into Leonard’s arms.

Even from a distance, Avery Lance looked just like her picture, with wild brown curls and shining eyes.

“Mama,” Avery said, “watch this!”

She squirmed out of Leonard’s arms and took his hand, twirling underneath it.

Sara watched her Earth-63 counterpart smile.

“Wow, Avie,” she said heard her say, “That’s so cool.”

Sara sat down in the pilot’s chair.

He made the right choice, she decided as she watched Leonard with this Earth’s Sara, Avery hanging onto his arm, chattering indistinguishably about something in the little girl manner she’d never been able to understand. He’d never looked that happy before, a genuine smile on his face as he looked to his wife.

“Gideon,” Sara said, “I’m ready to go.”

The jumpship jolted into motion, and as Avery’s little voice was carried into the wind with the music, Sara left Leonard for the last time.

#legends of tomorrow #captain canary #leonard snart #sara lance #cc ff #lot ff #mine #voices carry

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