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alreadyblondenow · 4 years ago

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Each other’s replacements

▸ Na Jaemin x female!reader ▸ Inspired by the anime Scum’s Wish ▸ High school au, SMUUUUT, fluff and angst

Summary: Two broken hearts met unexpectedly and agreed to use each other so you can both move on from your exes. Your hearts belong to each other already, you’re just waiting for love to take place and make everything right. But will you both still choose each other in the future? Word count: 6,988k

Warnings: Using each other to forget your exes, ex Lee Jeno, kind of fuck buddies but no? Fingering, mentions of fingering, handjob, blowjob, and watching each other masturbate, mentions of taking nude photos after sex, Jaemin taking a picture of your naked body after sex (with consent ofc), uproctected sex, mentions of rough sex, making out, swearing, mentions of breakup, actual breakup

A/N: I hope you enjoy this Jaemin fic. I tried writing it as realistic as possible because I think Scum’s Wish is a very mature and realistic anime, I mean shit like that happens in real life. And I think Mugi is so fucking handsome. The ending of the series sux btw HAHAA bc I wanted them to end up together so heres my version of it.

It all happened so fast but the heartbreak stayed and the process of healing is very slow.

Three months have passed already when your ex-boyfriend Jeno broke up with you on a nice afternoon after school. The reason? Well, let’s just say he fell out of love. And that’s what made it worst because you remember that all you ever did was love him and please him.

Every day, you go to school, attend class, study hard but you always looked so gloomy. And whenever Jeno cross paths with you in the hallways, he knew he hurt you badly and that you’re not your normal self anymore. The cheerful and excited girl he fell in love with was gone and it’s all because of him. He can only wish that someone will bring you back and make you happy again.

“I’ll help you with that,” a cold manly voice interrupted you and your thoughts while you were having a hard time throwing the trash. He’s not part of your class, he’s one of Jeno’s classmates but you two were never introduced to each other.

You watch him throw the heavy trash for you and hoping that he will hand the bin afterward but he didn’t. “Lead the way, it’s dirty I’ll hold it for you” he insists, so you do as you’re told, showed him the way so you can finish this day as soon as possible.

Jaemin knew everything. It’s a small school and students usually gossip too much whenever a couple breaks up, especially after being together for so long. He knew who broke your heart, he also knew that you used to smile and be cheerful all the time because he has seen you in places and he knew you're capable of automatically lighting up the place whenever you’re around. But now… all he can see is a broken-hearted girl.

“Here,” you hand him a tissue and your hand sanitizer as a thank you for not letting your hands get dirty. He accepted it and gave you a small smile, obviously, he’s not shy and he was looking directly at you while his hands move. To be honest, you have no reason to be shy with each other, and honestly, you just don’t care anymore you just want to end this day. But Jaemin being the bold man that he is, bravely loosen up the ribbon of your school uniform and undid a few buttons from your school blouse. It was a common thing for students to do that after school as a sign that they're ready to head home and end their day. Jeno used to do it for you, and you didn’t expect Jaemin would do it. Despite the fact that you only met properly today.

You don’t know what happened but your heart was racing the moment he’s done adjust it and you just stare at his crooked tie and figured you may as well loosen it up for him too and return the favor. A bold move that Jaemin did not expect from a girl because he’s used to being with girls who become shy and all flustered after he makes a move.

But you, you’re different.

And that’s when Jaemin realized that you are a perfect match for him.

Word is Na Jaemin is pretty popular with girls. Besides Lee Jeno your ex, Na Jaemin is the second most handsome guy in school. Not only that he’s handsome, but you also know that he is passionate when it comes to photography, he’s naturally smart, not that nice, quiet but cocky, cold but can give anyone the right amount of attention if he wants to. But in your case, you have his full attention.

That afternoon, for the first time in three months, you did not go home alone, someone walked with you and watched you go inside your house.

The same cold but needed interaction with Jaemin happened over and over again until people started to gossip and think that you’re together. But it was nothing like that and you stopped caring about rumors a long time ago. Jaemin is nothing like Jeno, but he’s a gentleman, he’s straightforward but most of the time quiet. And most of the time you share silence not stories and you both love it that way.

You were different people but before you knew it, you were spending more time with each other.

On Valentine's day, you don’t know what came to his mind and brought you a bouquet of roses and gave it to you secretly. You were genuinely happy of course, but you just couldn’t smile that big and show him more. Seeing him from afar with a dozen roses and a smirk, with his black sling bag he uses for school that makes him so attractive… is enough to call your Valentine's day a memorable day.

“You’re special too,” he said and hands you the bouquet. “Ready to go home? Sorry I couldn’t help you with trash today, I picked these up right after school and rushed back-“

“Thank you” you cut him off with a friendly kiss on the cheek that made him blush and shy for the first time.

With a bouquet of roses on your left arm and the trash bin on your right hand, you came back to your classroom to get your stuff and put the bin back. You cleaned your hands and admire the roses as the afternoon sunlight hits them perfectly and finally come out again to meet Jaemin. Only to find him eavesdropping on the classroom near yours.

“What-“

“Shh” he cut you off with a ‘shh’ gesture and made you look at the half-closed door and made you listen to their conversation as well.

Jeno I like you too.

Were words that immediately ruined your day that Jaemin perfected. But this is not about you. Because when you turned your back and looked at the man beside you, you saw yourself. The pain that you’ve been feeling for months now, you saw it in Jaemin’s eyes too. Now you understand that you’re just two broken people who are still in pain. And you have no idea that he has been hurting too.

Of course, seeing Jeno with another girl hurt you badly, but seeing Jaemin get teary-eyed bothered you more. So you reached for his hand and whispered, ‘it’s okay’ even though it’s not, and walked away silently with him to continue your day together.

“Do you think they’re just doing this because people are gossiping about us?” you asked while you watch him stare at his coffee blankly. You’ve never seen him like this even though he’s always quiet and cold.

“N-no. I know my ex, uhm… she wouldn’t use anyone. Is Jeno-“

“No. I know him too. And I know that he’s happy when he found out about us,”

“So it’s true then. Their feelings for each other” he said and went back to staring at his coffee blankly.

You pursed your lips and let out a deep sigh. Allowing yourself to be hurt again by hearing the truth that you have been completely replaced in Jeno’s heart. There was silence. Then you decided to admire the flowers that Jaemin gave to you and feel the soft petals on your fingertips. This day could have been a turning page for the both of you, but now you’re both very sure that you’re not yet ready to open your hearts for somebody else.

“Red roses mean love and romance,” you said as you continue to admire the roses that he gave which made him smile a little. “Do you like me?” and just like that, you gave him the question that you’ve been meaning to ask for the past few months.

“I do” he answered without hesitating, which gave you a shock actually. “Do you?” he returned the question.

“I don’t,” you said the truth because you can’t repay him with lies. No. You can’t do that to Jaemin, “but you’ve become special to me. And I don’t want to lose you too,” Honestly you thought being honest to him will make him feel even more horrible but it didn’t. In fact, it brought the unique handsome smile you love seeing on his face.

“Though, it’s not right that we are using each other to forget our exes-“ you added but he cut you off immediately.

“But I need you, and honestly I’ve been very happy these past few weeks because of you” he confessed. And you wish that you could tell him the same thing but you can’t because it’s still Jeno. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not begging you to stay. You’re an adult and I have nothing against your decisions. But I really hope we could go back to normal and be closer now that we know what each other really feels. I will date you properly when the right time comes… Just not now that we're both still confused and not sure”

Everything did not make sense of course, and the right thing to do is refuse. But the past few weeks were actually good. Not great but still Jaemin was a huge change. So you nod your head and agreed that you should continue what you’re doing but promised each other that if either one of you feels pressured already, then you should stop.

As you continue seeing Jaemin and trying to move on from Jeno, you became comfortable with each other as days go by to the point that neither one of you cares if someone mentions that you look great together even though your relationship is not true.

It was a never-ending try to give each other the chance and love that you deserve. But at the same time, it was a never-ending process of healing from your exes, a never-ending heartbreak whenever you two hear something good about their relationship. And to be honest you’re both happy that you’re not facing this heartbreak alone.

You’re thankful for each other because you have each other’s backs. But in a different way.

Jaemin is thankful for you because he can hold your hand, hug you tightly from behind then whisper sweet words, and kiss your neck, whenever he wants to, and whenever he misses skinship with his ex.

You on the other hand, is thankful too because he does these various things to you and you can just close your eyes and he lets you imagine that he’s Jeno. Like now. You were just cuddling and watching the rain from his window when suddenly his hand roamed under your skirt while he was listening to you talk, and his cold fingers played on the hem of your panties. Teasing your pussy and moving his fingers up and down your wet cover slit.

“How does Jeno touch you? Is gentle? Rough?” He asks in the sexiest tone he ever used and started kissing your neck. You had a hard time answering his question because of what he’s doing, but your mind lurks on the memories you had with Jeno in his room.

You remember how Jeno fingered you in his bed, how two fingers always feel good and that’s how you like it, you remember that while his fingers are deep inside you, he is busy kissing your body. Planting soft kisses on your chest and on your boobs, kissing your nipples and making them sensitive and he puts them in his mouth and sucks it good until it's both swollen.

This is the first time Jaemin had touched you down there. And you swear, you don’t want him to stop and you just want to remove your panties and spread your legs for him.

“Jaem-“ you moaned out an airy tone. Calling his name with your eyes closed and parted lips. Feeling his fingers go up and down your wet slit still.

“Do you mean Jeno?” Jaemin asks. But truth be told he doesn’t mind you moaning his name instead on your first time going too far. And finally, he removed your panties and made you spread your legs for him which you gladly did. Putting two fingers slowly while he’s watching you make the sexiest faces that just simply makes him hard.

Jaemin never rushed, he took his sweet time with your body. Pushing you on the edge over and over again but you don’t know why you haven’t cum yet. His tongue and fingers together were somewhat calming and just made you breathe in and out deeply, which is relaxing while you spread your legs even more.

And when you finally came, it was a nice warm feeling all over your body. Like you just got out of the shower, wet and relaxed. Though you feel so tired, weak and sleepy... Jeno was never like this but your imagination was a big help that you moaned Jeno’s name a couple of times and that made Jaemin felt so accomplished.

“How about you? Don’t you want to cum?” you asked Jaemin while you watch him help you wear your panties again, kissing your thighs after.

“Maybe later,” he said, not admitting that he came earlier too, ruining his boxers briefs.

That day you did more than touching each other’s private parts but actually giving each other oral sex for the first time. His sheets were so ruined because he came so hard when you gave him a blowjob, a handjob and when he jerked himself in front of you while he watches you finger yourself. In return, he made you cum more than three times using his fingers and tongue. And you came home with a weak body and weak legs that you flopped straight in your bed and slept with a smile.

But there are times that it’s just the two of you. Just Jaemin and Y/n, no exes involved. Where you can be free being yourselves whenever you’re alone together. Like him snapping pictures of you out of nowhere while you’re busy kissing him, or whenever you just finished having sex and you’re both too lazy to get dressed again and he will suddenly capture amazing photos of you while you’re still naked in his bed, wearing nothing but the smile he gave you because of the sex.

“Hmm. Jaemin, these are beautiful. Can I have this one? I love seeing your works, it’s like I’m seeing myself through your eyes”

Little did you know that that simple compliment from you made him blush hard and his heart jump. It’s not every day he gets to be himself, but lately, he has been feeling so inspired with his craft and he had a good guess it’s because of you.

“You can keep this too, it’s one of my favorites,” he said and handed you a picture of you kissing him while he smiles so big and so handsome with both of your eyes closed. It’s a perfect moment, a moment that Jaemin captured in the middle of him being so happy that you’re showering him with kisses.

Jaemin is sweet and quiet as usual and he showers you with love and affection every day in his own way. He’s not the normal guy who will praise you and tell you that you’re beautiful, he will just simply look at you like you’re his favorite person in the world. Which you are now. He doesn’t talk too much because one, that’s his personality already and two, he simply loves listening to you even though you don’t talk too much yourself.

He is the complete opposite of Jeno, and that’s why he became special to you.

“Yesterday, me and my mom were at the mall and I saw them. Just from afar and they were about to enter the movies and… you know, seeing them together hurt” he says while kicking stones on your way to your house.

You can only imagine the pain he felt when he saw them spending time together, and now it’s your time to get hurt because Jeno used to bring you to the movies. Then it gave you an idea.

“Do you want to go to the movies tomorrow? My treat,” you said. Nervous and shy you slowly met eyes and stopped walking when you finally arrived in front of your house.

“Did you just realized that I haven’t taken you out on a date? Because I feel bad, I just realized it now” he rambles.

“No no,” you chuckled, “I simply wanted to go to the movies with you. So tomorrow?” you were slowly walking away from him with a small smile on your face. If Jaemin was being honest, he wanted to be with you just a little bit longer. But parting will make your meeting even sweeter the next day.

On the next day, you remember clearly that you said ‘my treat’ yesterday. But the whole day that you’re together he never let you pay for anything, not even a bottle of water. You feel at ease even though it’s your first date and it’s your first time seeing each other in casual clothes and not in your uniforms, or wearing nothing at all. He looked handsome in his get up, he knows how to dress and he sure does look like the warm person you know.

“Do you like anything else?” he whispered beside you while you two wait for the movie to start and watch people enter.

“No I’m just a little chilly. But I’m fine, keep your jacket,” you stopped him before he removes his jacket, you know he will. So instead of lending you his jacket, he kept you close and wrapped an arm around you.

“This is nice, right?” he whispered back and rested his head on yours.

During the movie, Jaemin did not try any funny business. Though you were waiting for it and of course you will give him your consent. If this was Jeno, by this time you’re whimpering and cumming on his fingers by now. But you’re with Jaemin right now, and Jaemin did nothing but hold your hand, keep you close and keep you warm. And the thing that he did that made your heart race the most, was when he tightens his embrace when the couple kissed in the movie, exchanged ‘i love yous’ and he pulled you closer to him. “We’ll get there,” he whispered, “Just remember that I’m the one here and not Jeno” and you nod because you agree to him.

Not long after your first date, you and Jaemin shared a kiss under a lamppost just before you enter your house. It was not your first kiss of course. But it was the first time that you two felt that there we're no lust involved. It was a genuine kiss. A kiss that told you ‘I’m glad you chose to stay in this stupid relationship we have’ not to mention his soft lips were addicting and he was gentle the whole time. He wasn’t rushing you, he wasn’t hungry for you. But you can feel his long to finally move on and give his love wholly to you.

“Is it okay if I kiss you like that every day from now on?” he asked softly, forehead to forehead and just enjoying the cold breeze of the evening and the quietness of the street.

It’s Jaemin, not Jeno. You remind yourself over and over again.

“Yes” you nod and wrapped your arms around his neck, “Kiss me again” you requested. And so Jaemin did, even deeper but this time he took your breath away during the kiss.

The moment you closed the door and Jaemin watched you go inside your house safely, you burst into tears because you can’t help but see Jeno in your head and imagine that it’s Jeno kissing you not Jaemin. Even though it felt nothing like Jeno’s kisses, even though you smell Jaemin’s unique cologne, still it’s Jeno whom you see in your head and it’s Jeno whom you really wanted to kiss.

Days passed by and you try a little harder to show him affection, you try a little harder to be with Jaemin and not think about your ex, you try saying Jaemin’s name more often. Calling him with a smile, surprising him with back hugs, smiling with him more. Honestly, you just want to help yourself with forgetting Jeno completely because it’s exhausting already.

Today is the school’s fair and you’ve been with your friends the whole day laughing and discussing boys over snacks, sex and other stuff. And while you and your friends have been participating in a lot of games today, Jaemin can’t stop taking pictures of you from afar and watch your pretty smile. The smile he’s been seeing a lot lately and he hopes that it’s because of him.

‘Hey beautiful, I like your smile’

You received a text from him, you look around where he is and you found him behind you. Smiling so handsomely with his camera slung on his shoulder. Your friends teased you and Jaemin for being all flirty with your glances, you have never been shy around him but now there are butterflies in your stomach. Jaemin then shamelessly showed your friends how he treats you nicely, he can’t kiss you inside the school grounds so he winked at you instead and smiled.

It definitely made everyone around you jealous. Especially when Jaemin started taking your pictures, something no one was ever seen Jaemin do.

At the end of the day, you and Jaemin walk hand in hand and went to his house to cuddle and flirt more in his bed. Hands intertwined, legs tangled, bodies closer and just listening to each other talk about the most random things.

That’s right, you and Jaemin now talk. No more comfortable silence, no more quiet walks, you’ve come so far to reach this level of comfort. And when you’re both comfortable in each other’s arms like this, you both never shut up about the things you want to share with each other. Like the comfortable silence was gone with your awkward and shy phase too.

You asked him how he used to love his ex and he never shuts up about it, and it is as if he was describing how he’s treating you but when it comes to you everything was better. Like how he used to not care about Valentines for his ex but for you he went to different kinds of flower shop just so he can find the best quality of red roses. He used to hate walking with his ex because it’s making him sweat like crazy, but when it comes to you, seeing and watching you go inside your home safely was satisfying.

“Jaemin what are we? Are we friends with benefits now? Or just friends?” you dropped the question out of nowhere while you two lie in your bed, and you play with his long and perfect eyelashes.

“Hmm. No, fuck buddies avoid feelings while we... well, we try to develop our feelings. Let’s say we're two waiting hearts, were not yet in love with each other but… we belong to each other already. How’s that sound?”

“Waiting hearts. Hmm. I like it. Did you made that up?” you giggle and ran your fingertips on his very soft lips, which made him catch your hand and kiss it before he opens his beautiful eyes again.

“Yeah” he says, “But everything I said was true. Moving on is a bitch and I just can’t wait to love you right,”

And those words were just right. Perfect actually, that it made you kiss him sweetly and sincerely. And with your lips and the way you kiss, Jaemin felt that you made a promise to him. Like you’re not going to make him wait for nothing. And because of that he deepens the kiss and went on top of you, placing his body in between your legs, kissing your body nonstop and whispering sweet things to you.

“When we're finally and officially together, I won’t hurt you as Jeno did,” and you believe him because even though that you’re a wreck now, Jaemin stayed and put up with you.

He suddenly stopped kissing you, letting you breathe and bask at this moment, then he swallowed the lump in his throat and told you the truth. “I’m finally getting there…by the way, I mean, all I think about is us-you,” he was talking about his progress of moving on. “You don’t have to be pressured or anything at this point just, focus on yourself. Okay?” he said and kissed you again.

As your days with Jaemin continues, you don’t see Jeno anymore whenever you’re with Jaemin. No more imagining, it’s just you, the moment, and Jaemin. Though you’re not sure if you’ve already moved on this time or you’re just too overwhelmed because of Jaemin. Still, you know to yourself that you’re getting there and Jaemin is the reason why you’re even more closer to peace now. But you haven’t told him yet because you’re not ready. For you, you know that he will not leave and so it’s okay to take your time.

It started when you realized everything that he has done for you and the things that he’s ready to do for you. Loving again, or being given the opportunity to love someone again so deep is something so special and exciting especially when the man who holds your heart and the one waiting for you right now is Jaemin. The life you’re taking before Jaemin was like a black tunnel that you’ve been walking around in circles for some time now. And you sure as hell don’t want to take that path again.

And just thinking about experiencing the things that Jaemin has to offer, you can only do that if you give up on Jeno. So with great effort, you slowly focus your mind only on Jaemin and replace every bit of Jeno in your life with Jaemin, and from now on you make sure that you have something in return for him.

“Jaemin-“ you moan his name. Something so new and so satisfying for Jaemin to hear it's his name you moan now, not Jeno’s.

“You know, you make me shy whenever you say my name” he catches his breath and came closer to you to plant kisses on your back and knead your boobs from behind, nipples hard and swollen because you’ve been in bed with him for almost two hours now. “What do you need?” he asks while making you feel good with his lips and hands.

“Maybe slow down? I’m not going anywhere,” you hear him giggle from behind because of your request, slapping your but playfully and squeezing it good. Then suddenly, out of nowhere he rolled his hips, and let out a sexy grunt. “Fuck Jaemin, I wasn’t ready-“ you croak and landed on the mattress, face first as you grip the sheets and take Jaemin’s cock followed by a wave of hard and fast thrusts.

He kept a firm grip on your waist as he gives you hard thrusts and he kept you down on the mattress, a hand on your waist and a hand on your nape. It kept your movements minimal that’s why you can’t do anything now that you’re on the edge and he’s torturing you using his dick. But the best part of Jaemin fucking you from behind is the way he fucks you rough... so rough sometimes that you get red marks after a good round. This only happens whenever he catches his breath, but sometimes his thrusts become slow and deeper and honestly you feel like he’s rearranging your insides. And of course you love it whenever he’s just so fast and the sound of skin slapping surrounds his room and the impact of his thrust just drags you on the mattress, almost at the edge of the bed and he would have to drag your body towards him and fuck you faster and harder.

But this time, your pussy is so sensitive and your body is giving up and shivering already that you try and push him away, moan his name for mercy, grip his sheets while you arch your back so beautifully to ease your sensitivity.

“You said you’re not going anywhere? Why are you running away from me? Huh?” it was a sexy tone and his thrusts started to go slow but deeper than before and he had spread your legs again from behind. His arm is around your neck and ends at your shoulder, bodies closer than ever as he puts his whole weight on you and you feel his hard rock abs hits your back. Then he started thrusting hard again but now you can’t move your body because he got you locked in his arms, and instead of gripping the sheets, you now grip Jaemin’s arm and hands as you don’t have a choice but to accept his hard thrust.

Thrust after thrust, you breathe heavily and let out groans and call out his name. Until your body can’t take it anymore and you’re shaking uncontrollably and you did everything you can to push him away and try curling yourself into a ball but Jaemin was quick to flip you on your back and reach in for a deep kiss.

Kissing you while you cum and enjoy your orgasm. Feeling his tongue swirl around your as your body shakes and his hands caress your thighs so you could calm down and melt on his kiss.

After you cum, you and Jaemin did not stop kissing. He stayed above you, in between your legs and proceed to make out. Slowly and passionately, hands roaming to appreciate each other’s body, hands together and your lips locks and you look at each other with deep admiration.

“I want to date for real now. I’m so afraid to lose you Y/n,” he said directly into your eyes and rested his forehead on yours. “I promise I can do more for you, just be mine completely” he reached for your hands and kissed your knuckles.

Finally, you thought. And to be honest you have so much to say but none came out from your mouth. You looked at his tired sex face, his hair is all over his face, sweaty and his lips are swollen because of your intense kisses. And because your heart is full of happiness right now, you just nod so fast and cup his face and attacked him with kisses.

A love for love.

The first few days with Jaemin were beautiful. You both have your hearts full of love admiration towards one another and you shower each other with love every day without having second thoughts. You have never been loved like this and you didn’t know that you can love someone as deeply.

In just a few days, lust and love were perfectly balanced in your relationship. Now that you’re officially together, you and Jaemin would rather talk non-stop while holding hands, laugh and laugh until you’re both in tears, rather than have sex and exhaust each other out. But of course, now that you’re together, you can finally have the right to stay the night at their house, meet his family, have quiet sex at night where Jaemin’s lips are on your lips, catching every sound and moan you make so his parents won’t suspect.

“I love you,” you said and kissed him before you close your eyes and drift away. In return, he tightens his embrace and kissed you one too many times.

“I love you too,”

Now that you and Jaemin are official, he wanted to do everything again with you. Meaning, he wanted to give you flowers again as your boyfriend this time and not just as someone who’s waiting for you. He wanted to take you out on a proper date as your boyfriend, on your favorite fast food and spend all night long being happy with you.

SUNDAY

At first, you didn’t want to agree with his plan because him giving you all his love every day was enough. But he insists, and that’s why you’re waiting for your handsome boyfriend at your favorite fast food with a glass of water in front of you. He’s 30 minutes late already and you wonder why.

“I’ll get the red ones please, my girlfriend loved those last Valentine's day,” Jaemin’s smile was so big as he watches the florist wrap the red roses he got for you. He’s late because he went to the same shop where he bought you the flowers that you loved last Valentine's day.

And just as Jaemin walks out of the flower shop with a bouquet of red roses in his arm and a smile on his face, he thought about how this night will definitely be a great night for the two of you. And most importantly, no exes to ruin your first date as a couple.

While you were waiting for Jaemin inside, you didn’t know that he’s outside with a dozen roses in his arm and just smiling because he is now looking at the girl whom he loves the most.

Then suddenly, his phone rang and accepted an unexpected phone call. The voice of the girl on the other line was familiar. Very familiar. And his fist balled up immediately when he heard her crying through the phone. Turns out, he still can’t say no to the girl he used to love so much and his excitement on seeing you was immediately replaced with anger.

“Who made you cry? Where are you?” Jaemin asked sternly to his ex.

“He left me Jaems- I’m sorry I don’t know who else to call, I’m at home can you please go here? I really need someone right now, I’ll lose my mind,”

And just like that, he chose his ex over you. He told himself, he will be quick and still meet you afterward. But you waited for an hour… until closing time. Leaving tons and tons of messages to Jaemin but he didn’t return any of them. Maybe something important came up? A family matter? You tried and tried to forgive him even though you’re pissed that he didn’t show up. You even reminded yourself that you didn’t want this date in the first place so why be upset? So it’s okay.

When you’re finally near your house after a very disappointing date that could have been a beautiful one for you and Jaemin, a very familiar figure was waiting for you outside your house.

One glance at that perfect face, small crescent eyes, and beautiful smile, gave your mind an instant flashback. The guy who loved you first way before Jaemin came into your life, the man who loved you in your highs and lowest moment, the man you’ve been waiting to come back…. is finally back.

“How are you?” he started.

“Better. Jeno, what are you doing here?” you asked, straight to the point.

“I just came by to see you. I’m the one who ruined us but I still miss you from time to time you know? And now I know why,”

“And that is?”

“Regrets. Now that I’m single again, for sure my regrets will even weigh more,” he let out a heavy sigh and looked at his shoes before he gave you a question. A question that he already knows the answer. “If I ask you to come back, will you accept it?” he didn’t look you in the eye. He just stared at the sky and waited for your answer.

“No,” you said honestly and without regrets. “I waited for you to come back long enough. And I worked so hard to be healed again,”

“Then I should’ve asked you earlier then. I should’ve left her earlier,”

What he said sounded wrong for you. Because you know if he did those earlier you will end up hurting Jaemin instead. At least now, it’s clear like the sky above that you no longer love Jeno.

The night ended with a friendly hug. It’s the only comfort you can offer to him because you respect your boyfriend. And you well know that staying longer with Jeno tonight can spark your first fight with Jaemin.

But as you lie in your bed and think about everything that happened tonight, your mind takes you to unwanted scenarios where Jaemin chose to comfort his ex rather than meeting up with you. It’s not right to doubt Jaemin, so you close your eyes and looked forward to the next day.

And just as you thought, you’re going to wake up with a bunch of missed calls or texts from Jaemin, you have none. So there is something wrong.

Jaemin on the other hand is staring at a white ceiling and thinking about the things that he can’t take back right now. It’s too early for regrets but he doesn’t have a choice but to rethink his wrong decisions, over and over again. Starting when he answered the phone call from the naked girl beside him right now. The wrong decisions he made last night was the epitome of the phrase, ‘one thing led to another’

He answered the call and stood you up.

He went to his ex’s house.

He returned the kiss.

He agreed to fuck.

It was all his choice. Wrong choices that made him lose and lost you way before your relationship could have bloomed beautifully. And he can’t take that back because he can't show his face to you anymore for the sexual activity that happened last night between him and his ex, somehow brought them back together.

SUNDAY

It all happened so fast but the heartbreak stayed and the process of healing is very slow.

Seven days have passed already when Jaemin stood you up on a date to choose his ex over you. The reason? Well, you don’t know because you and Jaemin did not talk it out… the breakup sort of happened automatically when you saw him and his now girlfriend again, holding hands while entering the school grounds on a cold Monday morning. And that’s what made it worst because you remember that all you ever did was love him and be better to make way for the love you thought you both want.

Every day, you go to school, attend class, study hard but you always looked so gloomy. Again. And whenever Jaemin crosses paths with you in the hallways, he knew he hurt you badly and that he broke every promise he told you. He can only wish that he could turn back time and choose to not answer that fucking call.

Just like that, you’re back in that black tunnel and you didn’t expect that Jaemin will be the reason why you’re back on this dark path again. And this time, the heartbreak was ten times even worst than what you felt during your breakup with Jeno.

A few more weeks after the breakup, you started being alone with yourself again and try to give your heart a break from all the drama.

But one fateful afternoon, when everyone had gone home already and you’re on trash duty again, as usual, Jaemin finally decided to swallow his pride and say the apology you deserve.

“I’m sorry, Y/n,” Jaemin said out of nowhere. He was looking straight into your eyes when he said it, and you can see that he’s sincere through his eyes.

“I hope you’re happy” and that's all you can say and try to walk away.

“I’m not- do you still love me?”

It was a question that broke both of your hearts because you both know that even though love is involved, it’s still not enough to keep you together.

But still, you answered him with all honesty. “Yes” short and simple.

“Then let's be together-“ he proposed with hopeful eyes.

“And what? Cheat?” you ask sternly, he nodded. “One of the reasons why I liked you back then is because you’re not complicated. You’re a simple ‘yes’ and ‘no’, but now you’re the one who complicates things. I’m sorry. It’s a no,” and that is an answer Jaemin did not expect from you because he thought you loved him that much that you’re still going to accept him. But maybe, the pain that he’s feeling right now, is the same pain that you felt when he chose his ex over you that night.

As days, months, and seasons change but of course the heartbreak never left, you focus more on being with yourself until finally you survived this school year and today is your last day in school. But before everything ended, a lot has happened before it finally ended, like Jeno suddenly transferring schools, Jaemin is single again, and you were awarded for ranking #3 out of hundreds of other students studying their asses off.

That same afternoon, while you’re fixing your stuff and ready yourself to go home under the pouring rain, Jaemin found you alone in your classroom again. And it felt like you’re meeting again for the first time. You don’t know why you accepted his help, you don’t know why you let him walk you home under his small umbrella that made you walk closely together.

He was quiet. You were quiet. But it was not the comfortable silence you used to have, it was very awkward. But you both endured it because if you’re both going to be honest with your feelings, you both wanted this.

“Are we going to do this again?” you ask before you enter your house.

“Yes. The right way,”

And you know you both found your way back to each other because it’s the right thing to do.

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mithliya · 2 years ago

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im sorry if you’re uncomfortable with venting if you are absolutely just delete this or ignore it but i just don’t know what to do. so i’m a 14yo lesbian and i relate to how you were as a teen a lot (ED, bdsm, suicidal, trying to come to terms w your sexuality, etc.) i live in an incredibly republican + rural area and i have a bad home life, and my parents are like devout mormons and if they ever found out that i’m gay they’d kick me out or send me to conversion therapy or my dad might rape me. i don’t have any friends, and not in a dramatic way just genuinely i’m very shy and reserved so i don’t really talk to people and i’m too scared to contact the suicide hotline because i don’t want my parents to catch me or hear me or anything like that. i’ve been sexually abused my whole childhood by all male members of my family (two brothers + my dad) and everyone in my family knows, but nothings ever happened. they all blame me. i don’t know where i’m going with this, just background i guess but i don’t know what to do. it feels like i’m ruined and i don’t know if it’ll get better. i’m so scared of the future and just the world in general, so many men have abused me especially because of how bad my area is i can barely go outside without feeling terrified i’m gonna get assaulted. i don’t know how i’ll ever date or anything like that because acknowledging that i’m gay makes me want to vomit. i don’t know. there are so many other things but i just don’t know. i’m sorry for ranting i just don’t know what to do or if it gets any better. sorry this is long and ranting i don’t want to trigger you or anything sorry

anon youre still incredibly young and from what youre telling me, it seems like your environment is the biggest issue. i also was in a terrible environment at your age, although not the same kind of terrible environment, and it exacerbated everything. being a teenager is already a stressful & difficult time, so to have to face repeated sexual abuse & rape & constant homophobia & extremely religious upbringing all at once is bound to make someone struggle with a lot of mental health issues and at such a stage, practically NO ONE would be able to fathom something like coming out or accepting their sexuality while going thru the type of stuff youre going through. i know i absolutely couldn’t. while this isnt ideal, but potentially a worst case scenario, wouldn’t you be able to be leave as an adult? like, get some kind of job or go to university and leave them from there? bc i think a lot of these issues you mentioned will be an aspect of your past as soon as you manage to get out of that house & out of that community. ik 4 years is a long time tho so ideally, if you find an excuse or means to leave even sooner then i would assume it’d be better for you in terms of your mental health. i assume the stuff you’ve mentioned to be would be grounds for calling child protective services or the police but there’s no guarantee whatever happens to you when you pursue such a path would necessarily be better. regardless, i have no reason to believe it wont *ever* get better based on what you told me, just that your family is not the kind you can keep close contact with and stay with once youre old enough to leave. i think there’s hope for you and there’s a way out of this & a chance of a good fulfilling life in the future, there’s many potential paths you could pursue especially considering your dad and brothers are downright criminals and abusers. if possible, maybe call a domestic violence hotline bc they probably will know better on how to navigate this situation. i know you said youre afraid of being overheard, if possible maybe make the call when youre at school for example in the bathrooms or when youre in the shower (have the showers on and perhaps play loud music) or when youre home alone or outside alone

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jackoshadows · 2 years ago

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unpopular opinion but maisie’s arya carried and i feel like arya it’s more popular bc of the characterization in game of thrones. she became ( and still is) instant favorite when they started the show before even the adult charachters in season 1. (her power 💅🏻) . i am more new to the fandom and asoiaf world and correct me if i am wrong but there is not much discussions/ analysis for arya and her potential future is there? or i don’t see very passionate original fans from back in the day who deep dive into her. and i mean this for the og book readers before even the show was made. but even after the show till now i guess. i feel like she is severely underestimated by the book readers. and it just makes me think if she failed being a protagonist. even from the og outline it just seems like arya was supposed to be THE female character of the story and very crucial to the conflicts( not to say that she won’t be) but then along the way it feels like grrm gave some pieces of arya to dany or cersei or sansa etc. it’s like she doesn’t get treated as a protagonist. as much of the popularity from the show, it’s also from the show that people maybe don’t discuss her anymore. maybe d&d were used to the audiences soft spot for arya and she does no wrong in their eyes attitude but giving her the nk kill kind of shattered that.i know that collectively we don’t accept the show but atleast the possibility could be discussed no? even in hotd the dagger is being around and at present it’s arya’s. maybe she is the princess. or aa. like i want people to talk about it. so many things don’t make sense with that ending but everyone it’s in the middle of ‘maybe could happen in the books’ for most of the things. arya killing nk it’s usually immediately in the ‘no’ end. on plus side she’s grrms favorite. and i love the community here of arya’s. i just see some lack of discussions in the general way. so arya’s portrayal on the show by maisie, even tho not book accurate, and more exaggerated of a snappy tomboy, being loved and adored since day one makes me happy. the first four seasons were quite centered around her with great character interactions like melisandre, brienne, tywin. even the crown looking for her is mentioned more in the show.

That's a long ask!

And yes, Maisie's Arya was popular when she was a little kid, a good actor at that age and the show adhered a little more to the books. However, the writing has always favored Sansa and this became more evident as the child actors grew up into young women. I do think Isaac got the worst end of the stick because they essentially didn't care in the least about Bran - despite him being pretty much one of the central characters of the books.

As for the books, I feel that characters like Arya, Dany and Bran are the ones who suffer the most from the story and world expanding and delving into tertiary characters and side plots while the main story remains stagnant. They have important things to do in Westeros and yet GRRM is unable to wind up their arcs in Essos or beyond the Wall because he loves the world and wants to play around in it instead of finishing the story.

Arya's TWoW sample chapter, in the yet to be released next book, was written in 2001! In 2012, he said this:

Arya will be in The Winds of Winter. GRRM has enough material about Arya's adventures in Braavos that he could write an entire novel about it. The audience cheered the idea, so GRRM jokingly proposed setting aside TWOW to work on it instead.

Only 1/3rd of the story is even done yet. That’s what’s so frustrating

Arya, Dany and Bran are also the characters most affected by the loss of the 5 year gap as explained by GRRM in various interviews outlined here. So Arya has to wait in Braavos until Jon Snow has finished his ADwD arc at the Wall.

And yes, Arya is vastly underestimated in this fandom. There's the usual sexism where people refuse to see her as a female lead because according to them she's the wrong kind of girl. So they end up taking away from her character and handing it off to Sansa because, in their mind, she's the right kind of girl.

And yes, the show made the discourse around Arya much worse when they lifted Arya's book plots and thematic significance and wrote that for Sansa. As I mentioned in another post, the show has a wider audience and more people have watched the show than read these unfinished 5 book fantasy series. They only know show Arya and Show Sansa and in the show Arya was just Sansa's executioner and henchwoman, one half of a comedic duo with the Hound and then fucked off on a ship because she's only good for killing.

We can only hope that GRRM finishes TWoW some day and the plot actually progresses and starts tightening up and the focus falls back on the main characters and central plot.

#asks

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vic-chaos · 3 years ago

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OKAYYYY I have a lot of thoughts about the trailer and I need to try and formulate them into words djbdjsbfndhdndbdnd

Idk about you guys I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I actually love older Stan and Kyle LMAO 😭 I completely unironically love how they're like middle aged and balding (canon dilfs god bless 😔🙏!!!!!!!!) and average looking rather than being supermodels or whatever. Its nice, I always think we need more main and hero characters in media who just look like normal people. Kyle's beard is so good and I love Stan having a dad bod, his hair is terrible but it’s just in character for him to have bad hair honestly skbfksbxjdssjs.... its cute how much they look like Matt and Trey too.

I know I just said this but I LOVE Stan being a little chubby around the middle one of my favourite hcs is that he’d get a slight beer belly when he’s older and I’m so happy to see it in canon sjdfgfjsfd

It’s impossible that the age jump will be permanent, so I’m curious about whether its like... a dream/vision, alternate reality or something?? My theory at the moment is that this is a potential future (probably a worst case scenario where the pandemic never ends or something) and the kids - now older - will end up time travelling in order to fix the past.

Them being in a quantum physics lab in this screencap is whats really making me lean towards time travel as a possibility right now...

I suspect this might also be tied into reconciling their friendship? It seems like in this future they drifted apart, but when Kyle is on the phone in the trailer he said “remember when we were little, us friends said we’d always be there for each other when things got bad” which made Stan react immediately.... And also yes this line is already making me like [crying cat meme] sdjhbsdfhsd 😭... but I think its possible that they either will get back together and then realise they should never have separated, or travel back to intentionally stop the group from separating.

I also suspect Randy will have something to do with saving the day, which as much as I am tired of him, would be nice because he caused a lot of the problems in the first place and it could be a good redemption for him to help resolve it.

Anyway to get back on the adult designs I am of course going insane with the need to see Kenny/Cartman/Butters jdbhgsdvfddsf

I’m terrified for all three bc on the one hand it could be really bad.... but on the other if they’re as good as Kyle and Stan I will be in heaven. I don’t know if they’ll use Cartman’s design from my future self and me or make a new one for this?? As long as he’s not skinny 😭

Cartman being hidden from us at the moment is also making me curious since he invented time travel in my future self and me.... it makes me wonder... I don’t think he will be inventing time travel in this future since it’s likely they’ll do a call back to such an old episode, but it is a fun idea to consider sdjhgbdg

#x #there is so much to think about omg.........#sp spoilers

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hoarder-of-stories-27 · 3 years ago

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Hi!Umm, I was a reader of your works on AO3 (the same one who commented on how beautiful your writing was at the end of March on “Forever and Ever”). At the time, I felt pretty bubbly about it. Your stories in general (which I know perfectly well are mostly soft porn and not replicable in real life and still enjoying them for other reasons) gave me quite a few perspectives and debates with myself (in a good way) Part 1/?

1. As a queer kid, you opened up a world to the possibility of HRT, binders, and top surgery. 2. It has helped me to identify signs of triggers and help correctly in real life and 3. It was healthy to read an autistic adult enjoying something they love to do (at least, you always seemed to enjoy writing in your notes. My lil sis is autistic, and sometimes I wonder how I could encourage her as she grows up.) Part 2/? After you told me to stay away from your AO3 - online security issues, which I appreciate because I suck at using the few social have - I kept my promise. At that time I couldn't, now I take to express my sincere apology if I was invasive (or am I? I'm starting to question writing this that I shouldn't have looked for your Tumblr:c) and/or made they uncomfortable ( I was seriously concerned and saddened that this). But this is not exactly why I searched for them after 4 months. Part 3/? Not long ago I created a Twitter account. I started following TGCF artists and other danmei accounts. Inevitably, the hashtag system led me to a danmei confession account in spanish and I said why not *shrugs* In one of his pinned tweets was a doc with a pretty nasty description. It was the callout. Part 4/? Damn, I swear it's the worst vibes text I've read in a long time (only comparable when Jun Wu act canonically being manipulative). Seriously, I've only just started getting involved in fandoms (one year and a half), and I think that scared me from getting with the english MXTX fans. The witch hunt they committed narrated as if it were a pride was quite ... hmm wtf. And when I realized that the user they were attacking was you, I look if you had answered. This brings me to the next point Part 5/? I read your POV and I truly apologize of everyone who bullied you (bc they never will). I really apologize for all the anguish he has been through. I hope that becomes a reality for a full-time commission writer in the future. I am sad that you have lost friends to something that shouldn't have happened. I really apologize for my own behavior in AO3, because the last thing they wanted to do was be a problem when they already had enough on their plate. 6/? I would really love to say “hey, I want to meet you. It doesn't matter what your status is, it's who you are” (and I mean that because you're really cool, but this is probably our only interaction anytime soon [until your consent to it]). I will truly tell you “you deserve love, and I am confident that you will find your special person(s) despite this setback”. Part 7/? I am very happy to read on your tumblr that you already feel (relatively) better about it, that you are flourishing as people, and that your transition process is going very well! It's news that makes me smile, like a queer kid. I hope that you will feel comfortable again and have many cute friends like you. Plural kisses for you! And sorry for writing so much haha. Part 8/8

(Context - this person told me they were a minor in a now-deleted AO3 comment on an M-rated fic. Also, here is my response document.)

Hello! Thank you so much for this message. 🥺❤️❤️❤️ I really appreciate it.

I'm really glad my stories have been positive for you. It means a lot to hear that, and to have confirmation that you understand that they're fiction and (especially with the ones tagged with "underage") not intended as an accurate reflection of how real life works. I do enjoy writing!! It's helped me through a lot of things, and I've had a lot of fun doing it.

Re: making me uncomfortable... if you've read my response document, you know I have P-OCD. I'm sorry I didn't explain myself much when I replied to your comment earlier, but that's a large portion of why I was uncomfortable - I understand that teenagers will seek out porn, and I sought out porn myself as a teenager and it didn't harm me, but it triggers my P-OCD to know that a specific minor has read porn I've written.

Of course, I was also concerned about your safety. It's not good to let people know you're a minor on an account where you engage with sexual content or fandoms for adult media - I've seen too many predators online who will view you as a target if you do that. But there were personal reasons involved for me as well. I really appreciate you caring about that.

You haven't broken any boundaries by sending asks to me on here! This blog is intended to be safe for anyone over 13 (Tumblr's required age) - I do mention topics like kink here from time to time, but nothing more than mentions or mild jokes (or, I think, one singular sex education post once), so I'm okay with minors interacting, with the understanding that minors are not my target audience. I would prefer not to interact anywhere other than this blog until you turn 18, but once that happens, please feel free to kudos/comment on my fics again and/or interact with me on Twitter, etc.!

I really, really appreciate you saying all of that. 🥺❤️ You absolutely don't have to apologize for writing something long. I do have a lot of wonderful people supporting me! I would not be doing so well without them.

I hope you're doing well, other than having that nasty document inflicted on you. 😐 Please stay safe on Twitter, and take care of yourself!

#asks #anonymous #long #/harassment #/abuse #/underage mention #/nsfa mention #/medical mention #my posts #-responsible

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nashanren · 4 years ago

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okay so I don’t think that there’s anything quite as telling about Wei Wuxian’s relationship with the Jiangs as the fact that he named his sword Whatever. like we are supposed to take it for a joke, Lan Wangji is definitely meant to read it as a joke because like, of course that Wei Wuxian is absolutely The Worst and arrogant and of course that he wouldn’t even treat his powerful spiritual weapon seriously and he must a bit ungrateful, isn’t he? because it’s not like Sect Leader Jiang had to make him a courtesy of personally granting him a sword

except we as the audience know that Wei Wuxian is absolutely able to come up with a better name. this guy goes around quoting poetry and making puns and code switching and using his language register to either lower the tension or to piss people off. and it’s not like the reason he gives to Lan Wangji rings true either: WWX is far from indecisive and even if he really had too many ideas and couldn’t decide between them, he admits that the name Whatever is “not that bad” and oh boy, does it have a lot of meaning when you consider it in the context of Wei Wuxian’s relationship with his sect and his internalised conviction that he is simply not worth that much

because answering Whatever to someone’s question (and especially when we’re talking about 随便 ) means basically: as *you* please. it’s not necessarily saying that you don’t care about the choice, as much as giving up on making the choice yourself. and it is so so telling that Wei Wuxian says it when asked about his sword (=his future cultivation aspirations), and even more telling that Jiang Fengmian fucking rolls with it (more under the cut bc uhuh am I passionate about this)

tl;dr: Wei Wuxian named his sword Suibian because it allowed him to project the right image of himself as well as express both his loyalty towards the Jiang Clan and his general attitude in life which allows him to recover after he is brought back to life

so Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian come out of age around the same time and they are asked about their spiritual weapons. now, it is blatantly obvious that Wei Wuxian’s sword is very different from the usual Jiang Sect design and it is definitely less elaborate than it as well, not even mentioning the lack of sect colours. and listen, we all know that Wei Wuxian was reminded for most of his life that he might be the first disciple but he isn’t really a part of the family. he doesn’t have a name or an assured future position within the sect and even as he seems to be very proud of representing the Jiang Sect he constantly tries to distance himself from it: when he tells Jin Zixun that his actions should not be put on the Jiang Clan right at the beginning in ep. 3 or in the way he dresses but also when he repeatedly calls himself Baoshan Sanren’s disciple (even as he knows little to nothing about her)

so with that in mind, I don’t even think that he was surprised to learn that his sword looks very different from Jiang Cheng’s (and I’m pretty sure he had no influence over it) but it would be hard for a better reminder that yes, he is not a Jiang and Jiang Fengmian is not his father as much as his master and sect leader. Jiang Cheng’s sword is meant for the oldest son and future clan leader; Wei Wuxian’s sword is a tool given to a loyal subordinate.

and oh boy, is Wei Wuxian nothing but loyal. he is very aware of his place in the sect and we know that he tries very hard to not seem like a threat to Jiang Cheng’s position and so he knows that naming his sword is not just about what he would like but also about how people will read it. if he picks something heroic, will it upset Madame Yu? what about matching with Sandu? will it be taken as him aiming above his station, naming himself Jiang Cheng’s brother? what about something silly then? will it be taken for disrespectful? will it upset Uncle Jiang? like, no wonder he had trouble choosing the name, because in his case it isn’t about expressing his personal desires (he is not allowed to do that), it’s about how he needs people to see him and there is a bunch of people who’s perception he needs to take under consideration and it must be stressful af

and of course we don’t know how much aware he is of all this at that point. when he says Whatever the first time, is it a joke that his uncle took seriously? or was it a plead for help, a challenge, an unconscious test of how much Uncle Jiang really cares for him? he asks an adult to chose for him because the choice is overwhelming and he is not taught to care for his own feelings or wants

and Jiang Fengmian accepts it for a name and ugh what the fuck was he thinking? does he find it a funny joke? does he consider it fitting to Wei Wuxian’s personality? does he care so little that he doesn’t even think on it? or is he just relived he won’t have to argue about it over dinner tonight? well, either way, he should be the one to question it or propose something less controversial and he doesn’t

and Wei Wuxian doesn’t get upset over it: how could he? he immediately accepts it with good humour and then he thinks about it and decides that it’s “not that bad” actually

because if naming his sword is about the image he wants to project and his self-expression then this is exactly the sentiment he has towards the Jiang Sect. my choices are not relevant because my sword and my life belongs to you; I owe it to the Jiang Clan and so whatever you ask of me, I will do. and to be considered arrogant is better than to be considered a threat too (and he does have his moments of extreme arrogance lol). it fits his position and his aspirations and his projected personality and of course that he is content with it; Wei Wuxian is great at letting things go

which is a second reason why this name is so fucking fitting because in the end it all comes back to the fact that Wei Wuxian is a person who lets things go so easily it is taken for carelessness. he is supposed to live with no envy — it’s in his name — and so: Whatever!

and I also feel like it’s pretty awesome how the presence of Suibian resonates with his personal arc. when he stops carrying his sword it is in the moment when he cannot let go, he cannot go with what others want him to do! he entered a path he cannot return from and he cannot let Jiang Cheng decide because Jiang Cheng cannot know and Wei Wuxian will make the hard choices for him even if it means losing everything. he cannot answer whatever anymore. his possibilities changed, his loyalties expanded and he cannot let go of control because it might get people killed. no wonder he cannot even pretend and carry the sword around anymore: the person who named it is not longer here

but then when Suibian reappears it is in the moment when Wei Wuxian finally starts to let go again. I think that in the show Yi City arc is extremely relevant to Wei Wuxian’s post-resurrection journey because it lets him finally understand what getting a second chance actually means. “fortunately...” Lan Zhan says and he does not have to finish because Wei Wuxian gets it. and even if he cannot fully let go, no yet, then getting Lan Zhan’s unconditional support, getting his love confession, means that he can start healing again and so Suibian unseals for him in the Carp Tower and he fights with it for the first time in years

(also on that note I think that it’s fascinating how Bichen and Suibian are very different names expressing a very similar sentiment: of letting go of daily inconveniences, of letting go of personal desires and grudges; because the core of WangXian relationship in CQL will always be about their shared values and convictions and I might be more than a bit feral about this)

and even as he cannot wield his sword anymore I find it very telling that when Wei Wuxian uses the word Suibian right afterwards, he means it in the context of letting go of the wrong that was done to him, of wondering what he could have done differently, of the blame put on him or that he could put on other people.

(and this is something Lan Wangji understands this time: he smiles a little and he stops insisting because he knows Wei Wuxian now and he knows where this sentiment comes from and I think that when he offers Suibian to Wei Wuxian twice in these two days he actually expresses his absolute support to this attitude. in his wordless way he says: let go of what others want from you; do as you fucking please)

(and then we have Jiang Cheng unsheathing it next, Jiang Cheng who won’t let it go, could not let it go, except when Wei Wuxian asks for it and then he lets his older brother him walk away because Jiang Cheng finally understands what Suibian means: that Wei Wuxian gave himself whole to the Jiang Clan and he shouldn’t be held back in his second life and ugh please use your fucking words the next time you see each other)

so anyway, I have no idea how I got here from rewatching this small exchange from 5th episode when Suibian is introduced but I hate how everything in this show has fucking layers that are there to just hurt you more when you uncover them and oh well. people hating on Wei Wuxian for being disrespectful why his uncle was literally in charge of what is engraved on the actual sword and then Wei Wuxian working so well with what he is given and then the creators working so well with how much can be expressed through that one spiritual weapon like it’s all just — I just fucking love this show okay and if you got so far then hello in this specific level of hell and sorry for the mess

#the untamed #cql meta #wei wuxian #wangxian #jiang cheng #suibian #cql #jiang clan #meta analysis #mine #l totally forgot how tumblr works I wonder if anyone finds this through the tags #this is why I don't write meta #it took me two hours to write this #and I was thinking about this post for like half a year by now\#I'm learning Mandarin recently and it really hit me when I got to 随便 #and lbr no name is insignificant in this novel #anyway I would die for Wei Wuxian #please let me know if you want to read more of whatever the fuck this was because I have Thoughts

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ibijau · 4 years ago

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a prompt (a/b/o, bc i like how you write it): the sunshot campaign has just ended, and nie huaisang is looking forward to a future in which he can devote himself to wooing lan xichen. the match would be a little scandalous—it’s rare for an alpha to marry in, as nie huaisang intends to—but alpha-beta pairs are perfectly normal, and lan qiren is certainly more accepting of his first nephew’s crush than of lan wangji’s. less than three weeks into peacetime, however, nie huaisang’s plans hit a massive snag: jin zixuan has presented as an omega, removing him from the jin line of succession (and nie huaisang cannot help but be a little offended by that, on da-ge’s behalf—omegas can lead just as well as anyone else! the jin succession tradition is just stupid). but that’s the way things are in the jin sect, and so madame jin is scrambling to put together a marriage to get her son out of lanling before the worst happens... and the top two candidates on her list just so happen to be lan xichen and nie huaisang himself.

hello and welcome to: I like that prompt a little too much and got carried away, so now it’s 8K long. Also on AO3

warning for some mentions of rape toward the end of the story

Nie Huaisang’s plan starts when, at the tender age of eleven, he is introduced to the boy who doesn’t yet go by the name of Lan Xichen and is about to become his brother’s closest friend. Nie Huaisang, young as he is, decides that this is his true love, and of course he must ensure Lan Huan and him have the most perfect future possible together. He learns about Gusu Lan, reads as many books as he can, educates himself in the four arts, and even makes a vague effort to somewhat improve his cultivation, all so he can be the perfect spouse for a future sect leader.

A little after turning fourteen, Lan Xichen presents as a beta. It is a small deviation from Nie Huaisang’s plan, who was firmly expecting his beloved to be an alpha, but that is no big problem. Lan Xichen is Lan Xichen, he is the most perfect person in the world. Details don’t matter too much.

Another deviation from Nie Huaisang’s plan occurs when, a few days short of his own fourteenth birthday, he presents as an alpha. That, of course, is an absolute disaster. Nie Huaisang doesn’t want to be an alpha. Qinghe Nie is full of those, and he isn’t too impressed with them. He is on the brink of a complete meltdown when he figures that if his brother can be an omega who has all the qualities of an alpha, then surely he can be an alpha living the easy going life of an omega, including marrying into another sect.

Of course Nie Mingjue isn’t very happy that Nie Huaisang refuses to behave like a proper alpha, like a proper Nie, but he can hardly make an arguments against that choice without undermining his own position, so it doesn’t matter. Nie Huaisang cheerfully goes back to planning his happy future, researching cases of an alpha marrying into another sect. There are more of those than he would have expected to find, and though it is mostly alpha marrying other alphas, Nie Huaisang now knows he can rest on a precedent to argue his case.

With all this settled, the hardest part of his plan begins: seducing Lan Xichen.

It is easy enough to be sent to the Cloud Recesses to study there. A little too easy, really. Nie Huaisang suspects that his brother wanted him to go there anyway just to have some peace, and in hopes Lan Qiren might straighten him out a bit. Nie Huaisang doesn’t mind though, since it gives him a chance to be close to the love of his life. He also doesn’t mind his dreadful grades which give him a good excuse to spend time with Lan Xichen, begging him to help. Lan Xichen, generous and kind and patient and perfect in nearly every aspect, as well as eager to be a good friend to Nie Mingjue, even by proxy, of course agrees and allows Nie Huaisang to spend far more time in his room than is probably reasonable.

It would be a little scandalous really, but when Lan Qiren once tries to raise the issue in front of his nephew, Lan Xichen just laughs gently.

“Huaisang is nothing more than a little brother to me,” he says. “How could anyone think any different?”

It is a hard blow to Nie Huaisang’s fragile teenage ego, and a new setback to his perfect plan. At the same time, he has been in the Cloud Recesses for almost half a year by now, and has already guessed that this is how Lan Xichen sees him. Two years of difference won’t mean much once they are adults and married, but right now it is a pretty big gap.

Having accepted this, Nie Huaisang changes his plan again, but not his goal. If all Lan Xichen needs from him at the moment is a less stuck up little brother than the real one, Nie Huaisang will be happy to provide. He likes making Lan Xichen laugh anyway, and it’s obvious that Lan Xichen enjoys having someone to guide and teach in a way Lan Wangji won’t allow.

He can be patient, when he needs to be.

He can also be exactly as stupid as the situation calls for. It’s easy as anything to completely fail his exams. Lan Qiren almost has a qi deviation on the spot after reading Nie Huaisang’s final test, and Nie Mingjue is furious, but he can deal with that just fine, as long as he gets to come back another year in the Cloud Recesses and make sure nobody else can seduce the love of his life before puberty fully hits and gives him his fair chance.

That second year in the Cloud Recesses proves to be a test of Nie Huaisang’s determination in ways he hadn’t expected.

In his defence, the world has many more pretty boys than he ever realised.

Lan Wangji, heinous little bitch that he is, got hit hard by puberty in the short time that Nie Huaisang went home. He’s suddenly a head taller than Nie Huaisang, and looking every bit the alpha that he is even though he’s a year younger. Nie Huaisang is devoured with envy because just two months ago, Lan Wangji was just a baby, but suddenly he is very, very handsome.

Then, there’s the other guest disciples as well. Most are pretty decent looking, but some stand out from the crowd. Jiang Cheng has a bone structure to kill for, sharp eyes, and his rare smile is as radiant as sunshine on the lingering snows of spring. And everywhere he goes, Wei Wuxian follows, tall and more graceful than any boy of fifteen has any right to be. They make a stunning pair of alphas, really, to the point that it worries Nie Huaisang when the three of them strike a friendship of sorts. First, because there’s a few times when he finds himself wondering what it’d be like to kiss one of them, which is an awful betrayal of his one true love Lan Xichen. Second, because his looks are already inadequate to begin with, so hanging out with those two only makes him look even plainer by contrast.

What Nie Huaisang needs, he decides after a few weeks, is someone less pretty than him to spend time with, so he’ll look somewhat handsome next to them. And so, after some brief consideration, his great plan changes again to adapt to this new situation.

Nie Huaisang becomes friends with Jin Zixuan.

Well, saying they’re friends might be pushing it. Instead, Nie Huaisang forcibly spends time with Jin Zixuan, when Wei Wuxian is being punished by Lan Wangji, Jiang Cheng is studying, and Lan Xichen is too busy as well. It’s rather clear that Jin Zixuan isn’t very enthusiastic to have company. Quite frankly, Nie Huaisang wouldn’t have picked him as a companion either, if he’d had a choice. Jin Zixuan is haughty, has no conversation, no humour, a bad personality, and is just all around boring. He is also tragically baby faced, hasn’t even presented yet, and has nothing to recommend him except for the fact that his father is sect leader. It is practically a charity case. Indeed, when Lan Xichen hears that Nie Huaisang has been trying to become friends with Jin Zixuan, he congratulates him on it.

“I think he is a rather lonely person, isn’t he?” Lan Xichen remarks. “I’m glad you’re trying to help him. Hopefully you’ll help him relax a little.”

“Like I do with you, Xichen-gege?” Nie Huaisang boldly asks.

Lan Xichen laughs a little awkwardly, and Nie Huaisang could swear there’s a spot of colour on the older boy’s cheeks.

“I suppose I do relax when I’m with you. Are you thinking of replacing me, now that you’ve found a friend more your age?”

“Of course not,” Nie Huaisang earnestly promises. “Xichen-gege will always be the most important person for me!”

Lan Xichen smiles gently at him. “You are a good boy, and I’m sure your brother will be proud of you. I know I am.”

Hearing this, Nie Huaisang nearly faints from happiness. Just for this, it’s worth it to put up with Jin Zixuan.

But in fairness, as weeks pass, Nie Huaisang finds it a little easier to be around Jin Zixuan. The other boy mellows a bit, like a wild beast being slowly tamed. And once Wei Wuxian leaves, Jin Zixuan suddenly isn’t so prickly anymore, now that nobody is constantly taunting him and picking fights with him. He even has a sense of humour, when you know how to spot it. The first time Nie Huaisang bursts out laughing over a muttered remark Jin Zixuan made, it’s hard to say who is most surprised.

Besides, Jin Zixuan is one of the few people Nie Huaisang has met who doesn’t judge him for not striving to be a perfect alpha. Just like Lan Xichen, Jin Zixuan is surprisingly accepting of Nie Huaisang’s peculiarities.

“I prefer someone like you over some alphas who act right in public, then do everything wrong in private,” Jin Zixuan says with open disdain one day, as they walk in a garden of the Cloud Recesses.

It is a beautiful summer day, and the school year is almost over, which makes Nie Huaisang rather sad. He had planned to stay another year, still to make sure that nobody else makes a move on Lan Xichen, but he’s starting to think it will be lonely without the other friends he’s made.

“Well, I’m hardly much of an alpha in private too,” Nie Huaisang argues.

Jin Zixuan shrugs. “Not in the typical way. But you’re very protective of the people you care about, right? And you like to make people feel included. Like me and Lan gongzi… even Lan er-gongzi, when he lets you. You really don’t like when people seem lonely, do you?”

A little embarrassed to have such kind motives assigned to his actions, Nie Huaisang doesn’t reply right away. He pretends to inspect some gentians near Jin Zixuan’s feet, admiring how the deep blue of the petals contrasts rather beautifully against the gold of Jin robes.

He can’t explain that he’s always around Lan Xichen because he’s madly in love with this perfect boy, or that if he’s nice to Lan Wangji, it’s mostly just because they’re going to be in-laws someday. Above all else, he absolutely can’t tell Jin Zixuan why he decided to start spending time with him, mostly because he’s changed his mind so much since then. Jin Zixuan really isn’t boring after all, and he’s not quite so plain after all. Even if his face is still a little too round and soft for his age, there are signs here and there of what a handsome alpha he will be one day. Out of everyone he's met this year, Jin Zixuan is Nie Huaisang's favourite new friend.

“Jin-gongzi is giving me too much credit,” Nie Huaisang says at last. “I just wanted a friend less annoying than Wei-xiong, and you happened to be there.”

“Is that why you only call me gongzi, when you’re never this formal with others?” Jin Zixuan asks, sounding… not quite hurt, he has too much self control for that, but still…

Well, still a little bit hurt, actually.

“I know how your sect likes formality,” Nie Huaisang explains. “I just don’t want to disrespect you.”

“The Lan too are very formal, but you call Lan Xichen ‘gege’ all the time.”

“Oh that’s different, that’s just because he’s my da-ge’s friend!” Nie Huaisang lies. “We’re close enough the two of us, so it’s fine to call him like that.” An idea hits him, and he leans toward Jin Zixuan with a wicked grin. “If you’re so jealous though, I can call you Jin-didi. Would that work for you?”

In an instant, Jin Zixuan’s face turns a bright red and he splutters in anger. Nie Huaisang can’t help laughing at that cute reaction.

“Who says I’m jealous?” Jin Zixuan explodes. “What’s there to be jealous about?”

Nie Huaisang pokes him in the ribs, still laughing. “Jin-didi, it’s fine to have a crush on an older boy, it’s normal! I understand, I really do! Thank you, Jin-didi, for entrusting your heart to me!”

“Stop calling me that!” Jin Zixuan shouts, so mortified that he’s nearly crying.

“Jin-didi! Don’t worry, this Nie-gege doesn’t mind at all. It happens, it’s because you’re probably going to present as an alpha soon, and so you’re looking for role models around you. I am so flattered, Jin-didi. It will pass though, everyone grows out of it, don’t worry.”

Jin Zixuan’s face is so red that he looks sunburned, and the dot of cinnabar on his forehead looks almost pale compared to his face.

“You’re so stupid,” Jin Zixuan hisses, shoving Nie Huaisang to the side and stomping away. “I don’t know why I even put up with you, you’re even more annoying than Wei Wuxian!”

Nie Huaisang is too breathless from laughter to stop him from leaving. It’s for the best anyway, Jin Zixuan looked like he might pick up a fight with him for offending his dignity like this, and Nie Huaisang doesn’t feel like being punched in the face.

Still, from that day on, he makes sure to call Jin Zixuan ‘didi’ every chance he gets, just because he makes such funny faces.

Nie Huaisang passes his exams at the end of the year, because Lan Xichen told him that Nie Mingjue really doesn’t want him to be away from home this long again, not when the Wens have been acting up lately. For a second, Lan Xichen seems a little sad when Nie Huaisang promises to do his best, but it must just have been a trick of the light. When Nie Huaisang blinks, Lan Xichen’s expression is warm and polite and slightly impersonal, as always.

It’s fine anyway, Nie Huaisang figures. They’re sure to meet again soon. And when they’re married, Nie Huaisang will be able to stay in the Cloud Recesses for good, and they’ll be happy, and Nie Mingjue’s paranoia won’t ruin all his plans anymore.

It turns out that Nie Mingjue’s paranoia was, in fact, justified all along.

That’s not such a big surprise, Nie Huaisang must admit. Others tend to think his brother is stupid, but he knows better. Nie Mingjue might be a big brute, but he’s a clever one who understands politics better than anyone would suspect. He doesn’t care to play the game, but he knows the rules and he watches the moves made by others. For years and years he’s tried to warn others of the troubles he’s guessed were coming, but no one listened.

Well, they’re going to listen now, Nie Huaisang figures as he makes his way to Nightless City to serve as hostage with other disciples of Qinghe Nie. It’s kind of hard to ignore when every young master or mistress from every sect in the country is being held and re-educated by Wen Ruohan’s minions.

The whole time they’re there, Nie Huaisang tries to play it cool, like none of this affects him. He’s somewhat lucky because the Wen don’t seem to realise that he’s an alpha, and so they barely pay attention to him, while they endlessly bother Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and even poor Jin Zixuan who hasn’t even presented yet. These four get harassed daily about this and that. Their attitude is too rebellious, or too tame for proper alphas. They try too hard, or not hard enough. They’re too skilled and clever, or else they’re playing stupid and clearly trying to mock Qishan Wen.

In fairness, all of these accusations are absolutely true when it comes to Wei Wuxian. But even if he were to behave properly, Nie Huaisang suspects the Wen would find some fault with him.

Nie Huaisang watches all that and tries to stay out of it. The most he can do, anyway, is to offer the medicine he secretly brought with him (his brother insisted, and he was right as always) and to share his portion of food with his friends whenever they’re denied a meal. At least, when they accept. Jiang Cheng does sometimes, unless his pride gets in his way. Wei Wuxian usually refuses and boasts that he’s been wanting to practice inedia for a while anyway. Lan Wangji isn’t so loud about it, but does the same. Poor Jin Zixuan, though… even when he’s given his own portion of food he always seems hungry, so the days when he must do without are particularly hard on him. He still tries to refuse when Nie Huaisang wants to share, but in his case, Nie Huaisang doesn’t hesitate to insist.

“You’re going to present soon, aren’t you?” he whispers, pushing his bowl of bland, watery congee toward Jin Zixuan who nods miserably. Nie Huaisang remembers the horrible hunger he felt for a few weeks before presenting, when his body was hard at work preparing for the big changes that were coming. Even with all the food he could ask for he’d been starving, so he can’t imagine how much Jin Zixuan must be suffering. “You have to eat, Jin-didi,” he orders. “Please, eat something, or else your Nie-gege will be sad.”

It says a lot about Jin Zixuan’s state that he doesn’t even object to being called this way. Nie Huaisang lets Jin Zixuan have both of his meals that day, explaining that he actually has snacks hidden along with his medicine.

It’s not his best lie, but it does the trick that time, and the following ones as well.

After a week of this, Nie Huaisang is starting to feel a little unwell. His golden core just isn’t very strong, and cannot sustain him through inedia the way it would for others. He’s always known this, there’s just something not quite right with his meridian which means cultivation doesn’t come easy for him. Usually it doesn’t bother him, but after eating so little for several days, of course there’s side effects… but someone has to take care of Jin Zixuan, right?

It’s almost a relief when they’re told one morning that everyone is going on a Night Hunt. It’s not the first one Wen Chao took them on, and while it’s unpleasant to fight creatures without weapons, at least they’ve always been given better rations.

In the end, good rations feel like a poor trade for what happens on that Night Hunt. Nie Huaisang has never been so terrified in his life, except when he was eleven and his father lost his mind… although this is worse, so much worse. His father wounded some people, but he didn’t kill anyone the way that false Xuanwu does, slaughtering anyone it can grab before they manage a daring escape, thanks to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. Nie Huaisang, who is a fairly decent swimmer, ends up helping Jin Zixuan through the underwater passage, since the other boy is starting to look really unwell. He hasn’t been hurt, thankfully, but it’s clear he’s close to presenting. He must have only a few days left at best, or more likely a few hours.

Maybe that’s why even after they’re safely out of the cave, Jin Zixuan won’t let go of Nie Huaisang’s hand, why he leans so heavily against his side. Nie Huaisang allows it all. He probably should hand Jin Zixuan over to the Jin disciples present, but if they were trustworthy, Jin Zixuan would already have gone to them for comfort, wouldn’t he?

“It’s okay, Jin-didi,” Nie Huaisang tells the other boy while putting his free hand on Jin Zixuan’s forehead. He’s burning, and this is really the worst time and the worst place to be presenting, but it’s going to happen anyway. “I’m here with you. We’re going to get you home, and then you’ll be safe, right?”

Jin Zixuan nods weakly. “Thank you, Nie-gege,” he whispers, and Nie Huaisang’s heart does somersaults in his chest at being called that. It makes him want to keep Jin Zixuan close, to really protect him from anyone that might hurt him.

It’s a stupid idea, of course. Jin Zixuan is about to present, and when that’s over, when he’s an alpha, he’s never going to need anyone’s protection again. What’s happening here won’t last very long.

Nie Huaisang figures it’s fine to enjoy this while it’s there. He’s sure Lan Xichen, if he’s still alive, will understand that even an alpha as weak and pathetic as him needs to feel protective here and there.

It takes a long, long while to go home on foot. By the time Nie Huaisang and the other Nie disciples reach Qinghe, a war has been declared against the Wen because they’ve attacked the Lotus Piers and annihilated the entirety of Yunmeng Jiang. Nie Huaisang cries upon hearing this, because Jiang Cheng was fine when he last saw him, because it’s unfair that Wei Wuxian was rescued from that cave only to die like this anyway.

He cries also because Nie Mingjue is going to risk his life, because there’s still no news from Lan Xichen.

He cries because he won’t even be able to help his brother, and is to be sent to the Cloud Recesses where he’s less likely to be captured and used as a hostage again.

He cries because that’s all he’s good for, apparently.

Lan Xichen is alive.

Nie Huaisang cries when Lan Qiren tells him, and then doesn’t shed a single tear again and sets to work to be of some use in this war they’re fighting. The husband of a sect leader must be a useful person after all. Lan Xichen will have to deal with so many responsibilities, much earlier than he ever should have to, so Nie Huaisang needs to step up his game and become someone worthy of his future husband. He might be lazy, and spoiled, and a little useless, but Nie Huaisang is also very stubborn when he wants something, and what he wants is Lan Xichen, the most perfect person in the world.

Lan Xichen who smiles with the warmth of a tender spring afternoon, who is always calm and collected, who smells of gentian and pine trees. Lan Xichen who never has a hair out of place. Lan Xichen who always knows what to do, what to say, no matter the situation.

Lan Xichen who looks utterly broken when he comes to visit the Cloud Recesses, three months into the war.

Perhaps to others he doesn’t look so bad. The Lan disciples who are with Nie Huaisang when Lan Xichen arrives don’t comment on it. But Nie Huaisang has been observing Lan Xichen for years at this point, and he can instantly tell that something is wrong. It shows in the way the beta carries himself, how his eyes glance over things as if he cannot see what’s around him, the slight twitch at the corner of his lips when he smiles. Nie Huaisang’s heart aches to see his beloved in such a state. He hates the Wen more than ever, if such a thing is possible, for having hurt Lan Xichen this way.

Because there is so much to do, because Lan Xichen has so many responsibilities now, it seems at first that Nie Huaisang won’t have a moment alone with him. He tries to be fine with that. A sect leader’s husband must know that sometimes he comes second to the sect in question. But the hollowness in Lan Xichen’s eyes haunts him too much. That night, close to the hour for curfew, Nie Huaisang decides that he must offer some distraction to the love of his life, perhaps even some comfort, should Lan Xichen be inclined to allow it.

It’s risky to be out and about at that hour. Even at such a time, the Lan are strict with their rules, and Nie Huaisang knows he will be scolded, or even punished, if he is caught. To avoid that he doesn’t knock on the front door of Lan Qiren’s house, where he knows Lan Xichen is also living for the time being, and instead comes in through the back. He will be in so much trouble if he’s spotted, but love comes before rules. Soon enough he’s inside a private garden, knocking on the door of the only room where a candle still burns.

To Nie Huaisang’s relief, it is indeed Lan Xichen who opens that door for him.

To his horror, Lan Xichen looks even worse than before, his eyes red from crying.

“Huaisang, what are you doing here?” Lan Xichen asks, trying to quickly regain his composure.

“I thought I’d come see you, Xichen-gege. You looked like you might need a friend.”

Lan Xichen takes in a sharp breath, like he’s trying not to sob. He manages to keep his face impassive, but two tears still drop on his cheeks, leaving a shiny trail behind. If Nie Huaisang didn’t have such excellent manners, he would lunge forward to kiss away those tears.

“I’m not sure I’m fit for company,” Lan Xichen says in a voice that trembles a little. “I find myself in a rather emotional state at the moment.”

“Then you definitely need a friend,” Nie Huaisang replied. “I offer myself, if you’ll have me.”

A few more tears escape Lan Xichen’s reddened eyes, which he tries to wipe away quickly, like a child just starting to learn he’s not supposed to cry in public. Nie Huaisang braces himself for rejection, but Lan Xichen instead pinches the hem of his sleeve and pulls him inside.

“You’ll be in trouble if someone sees you,” he explains. “How unreasonable, Huaisang… didn’t you realise that people might talk, seeing an alpha roaming around at night?”

Of all the things Nie Huaisang has thought about before coming here, that particular detail hasn’t occurred to him. People often forget he’s an alpha, and so does he, most of the time. Outside of his ruts, he might as well be a beta, and he’s convinced people who meet him must think that’s the case. But of course the Lans know better.

“Xichen-gege, I don’t want to cause you trouble or start gossip against you,” Nie Huaisang says. “I wanted to see if I could make you smile, that’s all. If you think I should leave, just say so and I’ll stop bothering you.”

“That might be…” Lan Xichen starts, before choking on his words. “Maybe you should… This is… it is…”

More tears drop on Lan Xichen's cheeks and he gasps in an alarming fashion, trying to stop himself from breaking down into sobs. Nie Huaisang’s heart clenches painfully at the sight. He takes one of Lan Xichen’s hands in his, trying to offer him comfort. Immediately Lan Xichen starts crying in earnest, falling to his knees. Nie Huaisang follows him, sitting on the floor near him, patting his hand, his shoulder even when the sobs get too heavy.

They stay like this a long while, sitting on the floor of that bare room which doesn’t really belong to Lan Xichen and only serves as a reminder of everything that he has lost. Nie Huaisang can’t find any words of comfort to offer, because he knows how empty those would feel. All he has to give is his presence, and his patience.

It is well past curfew when Lan Xichen finally calms down enough to sit a little straighter.

“How disappointed you must be, seeing me so weak,” Lan Xichen says, quickly drying his tears with the fabric of his inner robes. “I’m not the person you think I am, in the end.”

“You are that person and more,” Nie Huaisang sincerely replies. He squeezes Lan Xichen’s hand in his, barely refraining the impulse to kiss it. Seeing Lan Xichen like this, imperfect, angry and hurt, only makes Nie Huaisang love him more. How could he not, when Lan Xichen is giving him this trust? “Xichen-gege, I like everything about you, the good and the bad. I like you when you are calm in front of everything, and I like you when you can’t be strong anymore.”

Lan Xichen sighs and tilts his head, trying to smile but not quite managing it. “Huaisang…”

“I do, I really do!” Nie Huaisang insists. “I just wish I could help you more. I wish I could give you strength when yours runs out. I wish I had the power to protect you against those who would harm you. You make me wish I could be more than I am, so I could stand at your side and be of use to you.”

Lan Xichen smiles, and brings his trembling free hand to touch the alpha’s cheek.

“And I’m glad you are exactly the way you are,” Lan Xichen says with unbearable tenderness. “You are as I want you to be, as I want to see you at my side.”

Nie Huaisang’s heart is racing at those words, and he feels his face flush.

“Xichen-gege, I don’t think you and I mean quite the same thing here.”

“I think we do. I wasn’t sure what to think of this,” Lan Xichen admits, gently cupping the side of Nie Huaisang’s head, who must resist the impulse to close his eyes and lean into that touch. “I thought you only liked the image I try to give, and that you would be disappointed when you’d learn who I really am. But you’re seeing me now, and… you still like me?”

“More than ever,” Nie Huaisang whispers.

Lan Xichen smiles at him, beautiful like dawn after a cold and dark winter night.

“Then when this is over, let’s see how we can deal with this,” Lan Xichen says. “I know there’s precedent for such situations, though it will be unconventional. I fear you’ll have to marry into Gusu Lan, if this is to happen. Could you bear with that?”

Nie Huaisang nods, laughing and crying at once, delighted beyond words to realise that Lan Xichen too has made plans. He knew they were well suited for each other, he knew it all along, and finally he’s proven right.

Finally, he’s going to be happy.

The Sunshot Campaign ends, and sooner than everyone expected. Wei Wuxian’s new techniques are to thank for that… or to blame, depending who’s talking. Not everybody is fond of what Wei Wuxian has done during the war. Still, he’s a hero, one of many. Of the young masters of great sects in their generation, only Nie Huaisang and Jin Zixuan haven’t gained a title for their glorious deeds.

In fact, when Nie Huaisang asks around, it appears that Jin Zixuan didn’t contribute at all to the war, in any way. He wasn’t among those who fought, which isn’t such a surprise when Jin Guangshan barely wanted his sect involved at all. But Jin Zixuan wasn’t on the back front either, and that’s strange. Nie Huaisang knows his friend isn't a coward like him, and must have wanted to contribute in some fashion. Jin Guanshan will have tried to stop him, but Jin Zixuan is exactly the sort of person who would run away and join another sect's troupes to do his part in fighting the Wen.

Nie Huaisang becomes truly concerned when he learns that while Jin Zixuan has been absent from the war, one of Jin Guangshan's bastards has seen his status elevated and been given a title. Jin Ziyao, Lianfang-zun, is the first out of many bastards that Jin Guangshan has ever seen fit to legitimise.

Suddenly, Nie Huaisang becomes terrified for his friend. Jin Zixuan looked so unwell that day after they escaped the cave. If his group stumbled upon the Wen, if he was wounded or worse…

Jin Zixuan is absent from the banquet held in Jinlin Tai to celebrate the end of the war. It is noticed and gossiped about, especially since Jin Guangshan brought not only Jin Ziyao, but also another of his bastards, a mere child who rumour says he might legitimise as well. Worse still, Madam Jin is somewhat polite to both of her husband's bastards, when she's been known to never even allow anyone to mention his infidelities before her.

Sick with worry, Nie Huaisang cannot eat or drink anything and quickly excuses himself from the celebration. He takes refuge on a platform that overhangs above elegant gardens, leaning over a railing to admire the sight. He hoped that being alone would give him a chance to calm down, but it only makes things worse. Jin Zixuan used to say he'd make Nie Huaisang visit the gardens of Jinlin Tai someday and show the peacocks from up close, but that might never happen now, because he might be…

Nie Huaisang bursts into tears.

He shouldn't have let Jin Zixuan go with the Jin that day, he should have kept him close and protected him, so nothing could happen to him. There is no safer place in the world than with a group of Nie, and Nie Huaisang knows even a pitiful alpha like him would have sprung into action if the situation called for it.

He knows that for Jin Zixuan's sake, he would have easily torn Wen Chao's throat with his bare teeth, if it had come to that.

Nie Huaisang is still crying when Lan Xichen finds him and silently wraps his arms around him. It helps a bit, if only because it reminds Nie Huaisang that things aren't entirely awful, that even if something happened to Jin Zixuan, he won’t have to face his grief alone. They’ve talked to Nie Mingjue who grumbled mightily against his brother leaving Qinghe Nie, but that was never an argument he could have won, not when Nie Huaisang has prepared for it half his life. Once Lan Xichen’s mourning period is over, they will be married, exactly as Nie Huaisang planned.

“What has you so upset?” Lan Xichen asks, pulling his fiancé closer, enveloping him into the long layers of his robes until Nie Huaisang feels like a chick under its brooding mother.

“I’m worried about Zixuan. Nobody has seen him since the start of the war, nobody knows anything, and he isn’t here tonight…”

Lan Xichen stiffens somewhat, and for a brief moment he loses control of himself enough that Nie Huaisang can smell him, the scent of gentians and pine lingering even after Lan Xichen returns to his usual restraint.

“You’ve become very close to him, haven’t you?” Lan Xichen asks. “I don’t think you’ve asked about anyone else as much as him during the whole campaign.”

“I got news from the others all the time,” Nie Huaisang says. “But Zixuan… and he was in a concerning state last I saw him. I just feel like I should have done more for him. What if he’s…”

“He’s not dead. Ziyao would know, and he would have told me. I’ve asked on your behalf.”

Nie Huaisang smiles, and snuggles closer to the beta.

“Thank you. But what’s the matter with him then?”

Lan Xichen shrugs slightly. “Ziyao doesn’t know,” he admits. “Nobody in Jinlin Tai seems to know, except for Jin zongzhu and Jin furen. She’s the only one who gets to see him, along with a handful of servants loyal to her. Ziyao has heard that his brother might have been cursed, or fell sick somehow, but in the end he’s not really sure.”

“Poor Zixuan, he must be so bored,” Nie Huaisang sighs. He knows his friend is used to a certain isolation, but that’s different from being truly alone. He knows also that Jin Zixuan, when given the chance, isn’t someone who enjoys being on his own anyway, and that he’s an active person who likes to practice martial arts, go on Night Hunts, or even just walk around town and check shops. This situation must be a torture for him. “Do you think they’d let me see him if I asked? Or at least write to him maybe? I’m just so worried...”

Lan Xichen tenses, his scent flaring once again. Before Nie Huaisang can ask about that, he hears approaching footsteps. Since it is highly inappropriate for them to be in such an intimate position in public, and when they’re not even formally engaged, they quickly pull apart to look at the newcomer. Nie Huaisang expected his brother, or Lan Wangji perhaps.

Instead, they find themselves in front of Madam Jin. They promptly bow to her, and exchange a worried glance. She isn’t exactly known for looking kindly at couples who misbehave in her home, and her expression can best be described as cold and angry.

“Do you really wish to see my son, Nie gongzi?” she asks, startling Nie Huaisang who can only nod in answer. “Then follow me. He’ll be glad to have a visit. Lan gongzi may come as well. This might concern him as well.”

Again, the two young men trade glances, surprised by that sudden invitation. Neither of them protests, least of all Nie Huaisang who is only too happy to follow her. Lan Xichen, after some hesitation, does the same. All three of them walk in silence in the labyrinth that is Jinlin Tai until they reach a rather isolated house guarded by two fierce looking betas who have their hands on their swords as soon as they see someone approaching, and don’t let go until they recognise Madam Jin.

“Keep an eye out,” she orders the guards as the three of them go inside. “He’s been drinking, and his rut is coming close.”

The guards nod, and firmly close the door behind Madam Jin and her guests. Nie Huaisang, initially delighted to see his friend again, starts getting worried.

“Is there something wrong with Zi… with Jin gongzi?” he asks. “Why are you locking him up this way? Is he dangerous?”

“There is danger in Jinling Tai,” Madam Jin replies, leading them ahead. She knocks on a door, using an odd rhythm. “Until a better solution can be found, this is the only way I can protect my son.”

The door opens, revealing Jin Zixuan, sword in hand. Only, there’s something off about him, something that Nie Huaisang can’t quite put his finger on. Maybe it’s his clothes, which hang a little oddly and aren’t quite the cut and fabric one would expect on an alpha. Or it is the slight fear in his eyes when he opens the door, quickly replaced by defiance when he sees who is there with his mother, as if he expects Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen to say something unpleasant. And then there’s a smell in the air, fear mixed with notes of flowers.

“Oh,” Lan Xichen says, before pinching his lips so he keeps his realisation for himself.

Jin Zixuan glares at him, then at his mother.

“I told you not to do it!” he says.

“What choice do I have?” Madam Jin replies, pushing her way into her son’s room. “This is the only way.”

After some hesitation, Nie Huaisang follows her inside. Lan Xichen does the same with a certain reluctance, and when they all sit, he does so a little closer to Nie Huaisang than is probably proper, but Nie Huaisang is too stunned by the situation to think much of it.

“I have brought you here to make a request,” Madam Jin announces, while her mortified son hides his face in his hands. “I need help in protecting my son, and after long consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the two of you are the best possible choice.”

“Mother, please, don’t!” Jin Zixuan begs, only for his mother to silence him with a gesture.

“At the start of the war, my son presented,” Madam Jin continues, ignoring the interruption. “Sadly for everyone involved, he presented as an omega.”

Nie Huaisang gasps, and stares at Jin Zixuan who looks like he might start crying. It puzzles Nie Huaisang at first, because there’s nothing bad about being an omega… or at least, not when in Qinghe Nie. Other sects have their own opinions on that, of course. He’s heard people here and there say that it is shameful and unnatural that Qinghe Nie’s leader is an omega, even one that looks and acts like an alpha, but that’s just because people are jealous of Nie Mingjue. All those petty, self-satisfied alpha just can’t stand that someone of a gender they think inferior can be so much better than they will ever be.

Of course, there’s also the fact that in most sects, only an alpha can become sect leader. Even Lan Xichen isn’t nearly as respected as he deserves to be after his brave actions during the war, and that’s not just a matter of age. Still, at least he’s a beta, and from a somewhat reasonable sect. Lanling Jin isn’t so open minded. In fact, everyone says that part of the problem between Jin Guangshan and his wife is that she’s also an alpha, when he is of the opinion that same gender couples shouldn’t be allowed to exist. He was forced into that union by his own father, everyone knows it, and only because Madam Jin's parents paid a high dowry to have her married into such a glorious sect.

"As an omega, my son cannot inherit his father's title," Madam Jin confirms. "He also wasn't allowed to take part in the war, since it would have been improper for him to be in mixed company. Alphas cannot be trusted on a battlefield… Or outside of it, as the case might be." She glances at Jin Zixuan, who looks ready to faint from sheer humiliation, then continues. "To be quite blunt, I have come to feel that Jinlin Tai is not a safe place for my son, and now that the war is over, I am seeking a way to protect him from harm."

"You want to marry him off," Lan Xichen says, his voice oddly cold in spite of his polite smile. "And I suppose you already have something in mind?"

"If I could, I would have sent him to Yunmeng Jiang," Madam Jin says. "But he has never gotten along with Jiang Wanyin, and my husband won't allow him to marry another omega as that would be improper, so Jiang Yanli is out of the question. So is Nie Mingjue, for the same reason. My husband doesn't want Zixuan to be sent to a sect too small, as he would find it humiliating. I do not want to send my son to a spouse too much older than him, as I fear for his safety. That leaves me very little choice."

Nie Huaisang frowns. He knows Jin Zixuan is more than capable of gutting even an older cultivator if they try to force him into something he doesn't want. He isn't ranked third on that list of bachelors just for his looks. Being an omega doesn't change how competent Jin Zixuan is, and Nie Huaisang has half a mind to say so.

He doesn't, but only because it suddenly hits him why Lan Xichen and him have been brought here.

"You want one of us to marry him?" he asks, while next to him Lan Xichen stiffens.

"You are the best choices," Madam Jin confirms. "My husband would probably prefer Lan zongzhu, but I personally hope you will consider this, Nie gongzi. After all, my son and you are already friends, so it would make things easier."

"Mother, stop this!" Jin Zixuan hisses between clenched teeth. "This is too… This is unnecessary."

Unsure what to think, Nie Huaisang looks up to Lan Xichen, hoping he will be the one to explain the situation. But Lan Xichen, his face pale and tight, won't look at him, or at the Jin for that matter. It falls to Nie Huaisang to handle this.

"Jin Furen, I am honoured you would think of me, and I am sure Lan zongzhu feels the same," he says. "But the fact is… Well, the truth is…"

"They're in love," Jin Zixuan hisses. "I told you it wouldn't work, mother."

Nie Huaisang looks at his friend in surprise, but Jin Zixuan refuses to look at him. More than ever, he seems ready to cry. Madam Jin, for her part, isn't impressed by this new information.

"Love is nice and well," she says, "but there are other things to consider. Your family would certainly prefer this strong political alliance."

"My brother and his uncle have already given their blessing," Nie Huaisang admits. "It's not a bad match either, politically speaking."

"But you won't have children," Madam Jin points out.

"There is a precedent for this," Lan Xichen coldly says. "Although Gusu Lan favours fidelity to one's spouse, it can be allowed to take a concubine in specific cases, such as the impossibility of having children."

"Then why not take my son as your second spouse? Or as the first one even, and have each other's company on the side? Zixuan will allow it."

Both Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen stare at Madam Jin, shocked that she would say such a thing. Her stance on her husband's affairs is well known, and she is merciless toward adulterous couples. Nie Huaisang wants to ask her why she doesn't ask for her husband's help if she's so desperate to protect her son against threats to his virtue.

He keeps that question to himself, because the answer occurs to him, and he doesn't like it.

It is well known that Jin Guangshan is an alpha of great sexual appetite even in a normal state. It is rumoured, also, that he becomes terrifying when in rut, willing to take any omega or woman who crosses his path, willing or not. People say he might have fathered Jin Zixun with his own cousin, though since the poor omega was recently married, Jin Guangshan never had to recognise the child.

Jinlin Tai is not a good place to raise an omega these days, as Jin Zixuan knows. He told Nie Huaisang as much, back when they were studying in Gusu.

And perhaps there’s more alpha in Nie Huaisang than he realised, because the idea of Jin Zixuan being in such danger, in the place where he should be safest, fills him with a rage like nothing he’s rarely felt before. The only thing that can compare is the burning wrath that overcame him when he first heard that the Cloud Recesses had been burned, that Lan Xichen was missing. If he could, Nie Huaisang would grab Jin Zixuan this instant and fly with him to QInghe, were nobody will care that he’s an omega, where he’ll live free of fear because the rules of Qinghe Nie are very clear on how to deal with a rapist, regardless of sex, gender, and rank. It is tempting to accept Madam Jin’s demand, just to protect her son, except…

Except Lan Xichen is sitting right next to Nie Huaisang, and while his face is showing nothing, the smell of his anger is getting stronger with each passing moment. If the Lan rarely have a second spouse, let alone concubines of any sorts, Lan Xichen once explained, it is because their cultivation method tends to make them more possessive toward their cultivation partner. That’s the reason they are so careful in choosing such a partner, Lan Xichen confided when they started talking about getting married.

At that time, Nie Huaisang had easily promised that he would remain faithful no matter what, happy to finally have the affection of his favourite person in the world, happy to know that his love and patience would be rewarded, confident that there is nobody else in the world he could ever want.

Now though, he isn’t so sure what to do anymore. Marrying Lan Xichen is all he’s wanted for years and years, the culmination of a carefully crafted plan to ensure both of their happiness. But to abandon Jin Zixuan to his fate would be a crime, something against which his very soul rebels.

Between his dearest friend and the love of his life, Nie Huaisang has to choose, and risk losing someone either way.

#nie huaisang #lan xichen #jin zixuan #sangxuan #xisang #mdzs #jau writes #Anonymous

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starburstdragon · 4 years ago

Note

please launch into disabled shin tsukimi propaganda, i genuinely am curious and want to hear your thoughts

OK SO it’s not like canon canon but it’s like canon. A lot of this is me and him in the pointing spidermen meme but I’m right. For the record I think he’s definitely physically disabled and possibly dealing with a mental/emotional disability/disorder as well

Starting off with his appearance, he is described as frail with poor posture. I’m frail with poor posture I have chronic pain on account of ligament fuckery or smth. I think this bastard has chronic pain, and perhaps ligament fuckery.

In terms of his statistics, he’s taller and lighter than me which I would not consider a good indicator on his health. I’m 5'2" and somewhere between 115 and 120 pounds on an average day and he’s 5'6" and like 108 pounds. Maybe I just have bigger bones or maybe the weight of everyone who is not Gin was not as closely considered but I don’t think he should be that light, from a health perspective. There’s a line between being a twink and being malnourished. I’m worried abt him ☹️

In YTTS he has the worst physical stat. It is more efficient to send Kanna into battle than this adult man. His fondness events also center around the fact that he is not at all in shape. Going to the convenience store is an ordeal for him. He can’t do one (1) push-up. What he can do is swim, which probably has something to do with the fact that the water mitigates most of what little weight he has. This man is living the three years in the future edition of my life before he gets kidnapped

Him and Kanna are absolutely Autism Vibing. They present very differently but the way that they connect so quickly and completely is absolutely Autism/ADHD Vibing. Name a more iconic duo. You can’t. Green Autism Energy is the ultimate power. Kanna helps Shin check his emotional disregulation (he wears Midori's scarf and monologues when inconvenienced) and Shin is able to parse out the pattern/rules of the main game before anyone else, which he ultimately uses to keep them both alive as long as possible. If the game didn’t force you to kill one of them at the end of Chapter 2 they would have already handled Midori bc they’re so powerful /hj

His shaky work history could also be related to disability. Chronic pain and troubles regulating your emotional state/focus can make holding down a job difficult.

Also his likes are soup and futon which makes me feel like he’s got some sensory issues, likely related to autism/adhd and/or chronic pain. This ones my autism chronic pain intuition. I feel like if I had to choose two things for a likes profile I would probably choose similar things.

Tl;Dr Shin is chronic pain autism king and I’m going to condone and abet everything he’s ever done

#ace can't speak #shin yttd #sou yttd #tsukimi shin #shin tsukimi #yttd #hiyori sou #sou hiyori #your turn to die #answered ask #disability #disabilities #yttd meta

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imaginejamesandsirius · 4 years ago

Note

James and Sirius live together. during a meeting with friends, someone makes a comment that James is a terrible neighbor, to which Sirius either agrees or just laughs. despite the fact that it is a joke, James seriously thinks about it and comes to the conclusion that it is true. then James packs up his things to move out while Sirius is away, bc he knows that Sirius will try to talk him out of it (out of politeness?) Sirius catches him before he leaves. what happens next?

Adult parties were weird. When they were kids, parties were basically getting together with your friends while all your parents all talked. When they got a little older, they played games. They got to be teenagers and spent all their parties drinking while they played games.

Then they got to be the adults at parties-- without kids, for now at least-- and they were weird. James enjoyed himself. There wasn't any disputing that, but it was kind of weird. He didn't feel old, but all of them were sitting around-- well, okay, some of them were standing but his point remained the same-- sipping wine and snacking as they caught up.

Because that's all they did at these parties: they caught up with each other. He learned that Marlene's boss had come onto her even though he was married, Dorcas went and threatened him after it happened, and Lily had tried to be supportive about it all but mostly ended up laughing. Work complaints dominated the conversations since that's all any of them spent time doing, but most of them weren't as colourful as Marlene's. Little things. Like Mary's coworker that always asked to borrow a quill and never returned it, but she didn't feel like she could say no when they asked. Or Peter's boss, who always gave him enough time for a project, then asked why it wasn't done halfway through that time limit. James, for his part, liked to complain about the other people on the Quidditch team.

They were all still friends from Hogwarts, but that didn't mean the group hadn't expanded. James and Sirius were the only official couple-- less official and more like they were still dating between one party and the next-- but there were a few other people that were flatmates. James and Sirius lived together, obviously, and then there was Lily and Remus. Everyone else either lived on their own or with a flatmate that none of the rest of them knew. Alice's flatmate had been homeschooled, and apparently was very difficult to live with.

James didn't think anything about the way the conversation he was a part of moved to talking about the person you live with until Lily said to Sirius, "-and he said that James did the same thing in Hogwarts! And I was like 'er, if you want us to keep living together, you have to stop that right now and forever'. He said he'd think about it, but come on! It's like the worst thing in the world, isn't it?" and Sirius laughed. He didn't say, "Yeah, totally," or nod, but he laughed, and it made James feel sick to his stomach, like the wine was churning in his stomach.

"Remus has always been a bit of a tosser," is what Sirius actually replied, and it didn't make James feel any better. He hadn't really been part of the conversation, content to sit on the side and sip at his drink, sometimes paying attention and sometimes not.

It was a pretty unfortunate time for him to be paying attention, but it probably didn't mean anything. Him and Sirius got on each other's nerves sometimes with their little quirks; it didn't mean anything deeper.

James couldn't get it out of his head. He tried to tell himself that Lily had just been venting, Sirius had only replied to the part about Remus and not his own boyfriend, but the more he thought about it, the worse he felt.

He'd brushed it off by saying that him and Sirius had disagreements about their living habits sometimes, but that wasn't true, wasn't it? Sirius didn't do things that James didn't like; James did things that Sirius didn't like. Sirius would talk to him about it, James would get pissy, and they'd compromise.

Why the hell did they compromise? James liked to do everything his way, it's true, but Sirius had never been wrong when he complained. James did rubbish like leave food out overnight and never folded his laundry, and when Sirius asked him to be more mindful, James had pretty much refused. Oh he'd done it in a way that wasn't angry and came across as more joking, but he'd still refused. That had still been the end result: him refusing to do the simplest things. The 'compromise' had been for Sirius to doublecheck the counters before crawling in bed. The 'compromise' had been for Sirius to put the clothes on the couch when they were done, because if James could see it right next to him, he'd fold it just to have something to do with his hands.

And once he'd started thinking of that, he'd realised that he didn't really do a fair share of the household chores. He did dishes, and he cooked, but what else? He hadn't put a lot of thought to it before, but when was the last time he'd cleaned the toilet? Or the kitchen? He didn't do most of the regular household cleaning, and he was as hell didn't do any deep cleaning, like washing the drapes or scrubbing the windows-- both of which he'd seen Sirius do before. He'd always assumed that if Sirius wanted help, he'd ask for it. That had been a rubbish excuse, and he knew it now.

The only real question left was: why the sodding hell had Sirius put up with all of this for so long?

The answer, unfortunately, was obvious. He put up with it because he loved James.

James had never had to question whether or not Sirius loved him, because he said it all the time. When they graduated from Hogwarts, Sirius had told him that he never wanted to live without him. When they decided to move into the same room instead of having two separate beds, Sirius had told him that he loved him more than he'd known was possible. Over the years, it was obvious that that hadn't changed. Sirius still loved him; Sirius would let him get away with anything if it meant they were still together.

And again, compare Sirius's feelings on that to the disagreements they had when Sirius tried to talk to him about something that was bothering him, and it was just easier to let it go.

James knew that if Sirius was presented with the options of keeping James and having to do everything himself, or losing James and getting the perfect flatmate (or boyfriend), Sirius would choose him.

No matter how miserable he otherwise was, he'd choose James. He'd choose James because he honestly believed that he didn't deserve better-- he didn't think that he deserved James, either, but James had worked pretty hard on making sure that Sirius knew that he loved him too.

Sirius would never tell him to leave or be better. James could always try to be better-- and he certainly would be, in the future-- but for now, with Sirius, he knew that he couldn't salvage that. Not completely. He could get better about the chores and the laundry, but he wouldn't be able to trust that Sirius would tell him about any new problems they had. Hell, he couldn't even trust, that he'd caught everything. What else was there that Sirius wasn't drawing his attention to? How often did Sirius put aside what he wanted in favour of something James wanted?

There was no telling.

And James had no idea if Sirius would respond truthfully him if he asked.

There were other options. Better options, probably, but he couldn't think of any. He didn't believe that Sirius would communicate with him if he asked, and he had no way of knowing if what he was doing was wrong without it. Even with it, there was no guarantee that he'd be better.

James had to leave. He had to get away and clear his head. Do some self-reflecting and figure out what kind of person he was versus who he wanted to be.

He'd taken Sirius for granted; he'd taken his presence and his love for granted. He hadn't put in the effort that he should have. He knew that relationships took work, and he'd been putting in only half the effort that Sirius deserved.

Yeah. He needed space. He had to get time away from Sirius and get his head on straight. Did he want to live without Sirius? Of course not. Did he want to break up with Sirius? Hell no. But he thought that it would be better in the long run. For both of them. He had to remember that this was going to turn out for the best, for both of them.

It was still hard to start packing up his things. He'd have to talk to Sirius about it-- he wasn't going to just vanish without an explanation, and after everything else, Sirius definitely deserved to know what was happening-- but there was no need to draw it out. Sirius was at work, so James had plenty of time to get his clothes into the suitcase. He left anything that could've been considered both of theirs where it was. He hadn't put any effort into their life together, so he didn't have any claim to the objects that might represent it. Besides, what would he do with dishes? He was going to the Leaky while he looked for a new place; he wouldn't need dishes or a laundry basket or towels of his own. When he found a new flat, there'd be plenty of time to buy all those things.

James had to cast an expansion charm on his suitcase, and then he sat heavily on the couch.

Everything was packed. This was it. Sirius was going to get home in about an hour, and then he'd have to tell him that he was leaving. He didn't know how he was going to tell him. How the hell did he even start that conversation? 'We need to talk'? 'I need to tell you something'? That one made it sound like he was cheating.

He was going to go drop off his bag and book a room at the Leaky and then come back.

It would be... neater.

He got to his feet and picked up the suitcase. They didn't have a floo linked to their flat since they both preferred apparation, so he turned to the door, only to freeze in place when Sirius opened the door.

"Hey," Sirius said with a smile. He kicked off his shoes like he always did.

"You're home early," James said, feeling panic start to seep into him. His heart was hammering against his ribcage like it wanted to break free. He'd thought that he had more time until he had to do this. Another hour to get it in his head that it was the end and come to terms with it.

"Yeah," Sirius said, still not noticing that anything was amiss. "I figured I could call it an early weekend since I had to work so late the last two days." He stretched his arms over his head with a satisfied groan. "Working at a desk all day really doesn't do me any favours," he said, turning to James with a grin. That was when he noticed James's expression. "Are you alright?"

James reached up with his free hand and rubbed at his face. "Erm."

"What's with the suitcase? I'm pretty sure you have to tell your boyfriend before you go on holiday," Sirius joked. He knew that something was wrong, but he was still joking because he had no idea which direction this was going to go.

James felt like the worst person in the world. "I was going to the Leaky."

"Well that doesn't count as a holiday," Sirius said. He reached for James, and James stepped back. Sirius froze, hand in front of him. "James?"

He swallowed thickly. He hadn't planned what to say. He didn't know what to do that might soften the blow. "I'm moving out."

"What?"

"I-" James stopped, his throat working. "I'm leaving you. I'm going to stay at the Leaky until I find a new place."

Sirius was struck dumb. He stared at James with wide, disbelieving eyes, not moving.

James tightened his grip on the suitcase. He couldn't leave unless Sirius moved, and he wasn't going to push him to the side. When he'd made this decision, he'd agreed that he would tell Sirius why he was doing it. Not all of it, because Sirius would try to tell him that it wasn't true-- he'd say anything to make him stay-- but he deserved an explanation of some sort for all of the time they'd spent together. "I don't think we're happy together."

"What? I was happy. When weren't you happy? You always looked happy to me. If I did something that made you-"

"You didn't do anything," James said miserably. "I swear you didn't. I did some thinking and realised that I haven't been... I need some time to think. I need space, and I don't think that we were good together."

"We aren't good together?" Sirius repeated. "What the hell does that mean? We were perfect together."

He swallowed again. He knew that he had a lot to make up for, and a hundred different things to apologise to Sirius about, but he didn't want to get into that right now. If he brought it up, they'd just end up arguing. Once Sirius had some time to get used to them being apart, then they could talk about all the details. Rather, James could apologise, and maybe Sirius wouldn't argue with him over it. "I disagree. Look, I- I really think we should get some space from each other before we talk about it."

"No! There's no sodding point in putting it off if we can figure it out. James, just- for fuck's sake, listen to yourself," Sirius said, putting his hands on either side of James's face desperately. "We're happy. We've been happy, and we will continue to be for years. Nothing's changed. If you need some space, I can move to the other room for a few days. Or- hell, a month, however long it takes, but don't do this. We don't need to break up. You can sort yourself out here fine; you don't need to go the Leaky and make yourself miserable. Just stay here and everything will be fine."

James shook his head. No, nothing had changed, but that was the problem. James brought up a hand and put it on Sirius's arm to get him to let go, but he found his touch lingering, savouring. "I'm going to miss you," James whispered. He was going to miss going to bed next to him and waking up the next morning, warm and content. His smile, his laugh, the way he got everything wet after a shower because he didn't dry his hair, his leather jacket by the door, the way he kicked off his shoes like he couldn't stand them the second he was home... everything.

He leaned in, pressing a last kiss to Sirius's lips.

Sirius's grip on him went slack. "Please," Sirius whispered against his mouth as tears spilled over.

"I'm sorry." James pulled away and-

He walked out. It was as simple as that. One foot in front of the other. He fished the key from his pocket and dropped it before opening the door. He stepped through, closed the door, and turned on his heel, casting a spell he'd done a hundred times. It felt no different this time to disapparate and land in Diagon Alley right outside of the Leaky Cauldron.

It should've been easy to do all of that, but James could hardly breathe. Sirius was the best thing that had happened to him, and he'd just left him. Abandoned him.

He tried to shake that thought loose.

He didn't abandon Sirius. He told him that he was leaving. Sirius still had the flat and all his belongings, not to mention all his friends. He had plenty of people to turn to if he needed support. He'd be fine.

James had a length of parchment as long as his arm, and he'd been working on a comprehensive list of everything he'd done wrong in his relationship with Sirius. Not every little mistake and time he'd snapped when he was angry, but the patterns he'd fallen into. The things he'd done that showed a disregard for being part of a partnership.

The chores, the thing with the milk, the laundry, that all went on the list-- they were the first things he wrote down since they'd already been on his mind. He'd been staying at the Leaky Cauldron for a week now, and he felt like the list was complete. It was like a testament of his sins, of all the reasons he'd been right to leave because Sirius deserved so much better.

His mind told him it had been the correct decision at the same time his heart screamed in pain.

He missed Sirius. It was like missing half of his self. Any time he left to buy food instead of eating the inn's meals, he bought too much, like he was buying for two and not one. He'd see a ridiculous ad in the Prophet and wanted to turn the paper to show Sirius.

It was going to take a while for him to get used to the change. That's all this was. Sirius had been a part of his life for over a decade. He wasn't going to get used to not seeing him after only a week.

Someone knocked on the door, and James got to his feet to answer it, assuming it was Tom. He didn't know if Tom pitied him or if he did it for all the people that stayed there longer than a night, but he'd taken to checking in on James-- ostensibly to make sure the 'accommodations were still satisfactory'. He opened the door, and instead of Tom, it was Lily.

It was obviously a day that she had off from work, because she was dressed down, hair pulled back, and she wasn't wearing any makeup. "Hey," she said with a small smile. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah. Er, sure," he said, stepping back. There was a small table with two chairs in all the rooms, so James sat down and hid the list from view as she closed the door.

Lily walked over and took the other chair, crossing her legs and putting one arm on the table so she could lean onto it. "How've you been?" She knew about the breakup. James hadn't told anyone, but the sympathy in her face was hard to misplace. Not to mention that she'd known to look for him here.

"I'm fine," he lied. "How's Sirius?"

"A mess. It would almost be interesting to see what someone looks like after having their heart ripped out if I wasn't wondering what the hell you were thinking when you did it. So James, what the hell were thinking? This isn't like you. Sirius means the world to you, and he's hurting right now. You shouldn't be the cause of it, you should be there, comforting him."

"You didn't even ask what happened."

"You said you were fine. If you didn't think this was your fault, you would've been more open about it. Maybe not with me, because I know we don't talk about our feelings with each other all the time, but you would've given me something different than what you'd tell some sodding stranger." She took a deep breath. "Look. Sirius is miserable. You're miserable. You think it's your fault, which-- from where I'm standing-- means this is fixable. If you want to talk to me about it, I'm here. If you'd rather talk to someone else about it, I suggest you give them a visit very soon."

James knew that the smart thing to do would be to tell her that he had the situation in hand, but she was right; he was miserable, and more than that, he was tired of it. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into Sirius's arms and just exist with him again. "Do you remember that party a few weeks ago? You were whinging about something Remus does that drives you barmy."

"I remember."

"And Remus said that I did it too."

"Yeah."

"And Sirius laughed it off."

"I can't say I remember that part too well, but okay. Where are you going with this?"

"I'm terrible to live with. Any time Sirius tried to correct me on something, I blew him off, and he only ever did it for little things anyways. I'm- I was a horrible flatmate-- and by extension boyfriend-- and he didn't talk to me. For a couple things, yeah, he did try to talk to me and I didn't listen, but the rest of it? He never mentioned anything. He shouldn't have had to, I know that now, but it's... I couldn't ask for him to forgive all that."

Lily blinked, slowly digesting that. "So you broke up because you were doing a whole bunch of annoying things around the flat? Is that what you're saying?"

"It's not just the stuff around the flat; it's what it meant. Sirius was having to do everything, and I was acting like a tosser about it for no good reason."

She nodded. "I can see where you're coming from. You want my advice?"

"I'm not sure there's any advice to be given about a relationship that's already finished," James said.

"Do you want my advice or not?"

James motioned as if to say 'go ahead'.

"That's definitely a problem, but I don't think it's something worth breaking up over. Did Sirius say that it was bothering him? Rhetorical question, I know he didn't. He has no idea what's going on. He's convinced you fell out of love with him and never said anything."

"What?" James asked, aghast. "That's ridiculous!"

"You can get into that later. My point is that maybe you did have things that you needed to work on, but all of them combined still don't look like a good enough reason to breakup. You have a problem like that, and you talk about it. You don't bail."

"How would you know? You've never dated anyone for longer than two months. Sirius and I have been together since we were sixteen. It's not really the same."

"Lucky for you, then, that I'm not giving this advice based on my own personal experience. I've never found someone that I can get on with for long enough to have these problems, but I do pay attention. From where I'm sitting, it looks like you had a real problem in your relationship for the first time, and you panicked."

"I didn't panic," James denied. It was a bit of a lie because he had panicked, but it's not like he'd thought of it and then run for the hills. "I looked at the situation and came to the conclusion that we couldn't fix it."

"You came to that decision all by yourself? Without talking to Sirius?"

"That's what 'by myself' means, yes."

"And you don't see a problem with that? That you thought there was this big problem in your relationship and you didn't talk to your partner about it?"

"I'm not really hearing anything that makes me want to change my mind."

"I think Sirius deserves better from you."

James went quiet. "I told him," he said slowly, "that it wasn't his fault."

"Is there a reason you didn't tell him all of this?"

"Yes," James said and didn't elaborate. Lily was judging him enough without him admitting that he hadn't talked to Sirius because he didn't trust him to be honest.

With the time that had passed-- or maybe it was just the space-- that reason didn't sound as good as it had when he left.

He blew out a breath. "Look, thanks for coming by, but we can deal with this on our own."

Lily's expression was tight like she wanted to argue, but eventually she said, "Fine," and got to her feet. "Don't be afraid to owl if you ever want to chat or get tea or summat, yeah?"

"Yeah. It was good to see you."

She left, but the effect her conversation had on James lingered. Maybe he'd overreacted a little. He could've talked to Sirius about it. He should've. He hadn't wanted to bring all of it up with him though, only for Sirius to insist that it wasn't a big deal. He hadn't trusted Sirius to tell him the truth if it did bother him, and if Sirius hadn't realised before that it bothered him, he'd thought that with his absence, Sirius would figure it out.

But James was miserable, and if Lily was to be believed, Sirius was miserable too. The last thing James wanted was to make Sirius sad. He'd broken up with him because he'd genuinely thought that it was the best option.

He'd gotten the time and space that he'd asked for, and he'd changed his mind-- with a little help from Lily, but he wasn't in the mood to admit that to her. The next step would be to talk to Sirius about it, the way he should have from the beginning.

With a sigh, James got to his feet and put on his shoes. He'd check by the flat and see if Sirius was there. If he wasn't, then James would send him a letter and ask if he wanted to talk. The only reason he didn't do that first was because he didn't want to make Sirius worry. If he showed up and they could talk, it would be easier than planning a big meeting and letting both of them get anxious about it.

He walked down to Diagon before disapparating, landing on the welcome mat for their flat. He knocked on the door, then ran a hand through his hair anxiously. What if Sirius told him to get lost? What if they could've worked through the original issues, but James leaving was too much for Sirius to forgive?

The door opened, and James's mind went blank.

"Hey," Sirius said, reserved. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he'd always had trouble getting to sleep. He had his hair pulled back too, which usually meant that he was too tired to take a shower. Sirius looked basically the same way he always did, if a little more worn out; James probably looked a hell of a lot worse.

"Erm. Yeah, hi. Hello." James winced at how awkward that sounded, ruffling his hair some more. "I was... hoping we could talk? About us?"

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said easily, opening the door wide and stepping aside to give James space.

The door closed, and James turned to him, blurting, "Are you mad at me?"

Sirius blinked, confused. "Like, for breaking up with me? I mean, yeah, a little. It came out of nowhere, and you kept saying that we weren't happy together."

"That's not- I mean, yes, that's good to know, but that's not what I meant. Before that. When we were living together like normal. Were you mad at me?"

"No? What kind of question is that? Did you really move out because you thought I was mad at you for some imagined slight?"

"No."

"No?"

"It was more like-" James shifted his weight uncomfortably. "It was more like I thought about all the stuff you were doing around the flat that I refused to help with. Or that thing with the milk? All you did was ask me to put it away when I was done, and instead of saying yes like a good boyfriend, I sodding made you do it."

Sirius blinked at him again. "You left," he said slowly, "because you thought I was pissed off about the milk and the fact that you don't clean the shower."

"It sounds stupid when you say it like that," James muttered.

"I don't care about the sodding milk. Or the way you leave your laundry sitting around for days even though you end up having to wash it again. Does that annoy me? Yeah, but it's- it's not worth you."

"See, that," James said, pointing at him. "That's why I didn't talk to you about first. I knew you'd make excuses and say that it didn't matter to you even when it does."

"You broke up with me because I don't punish you for doing shite that bothers me?" Sirius asked incredulously. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You break up with someone because you don't love them anymore or because they've done something you can't forgive, not because you don't always clean the sodding flat."

"But you deserve better. You shouldn't have to do all of that, and you shouldn't have to put up with someone that just lets it happen! I wasn't about to tell you that you have to forgive me over and over when I bugger up."

"Who the hell have you been dating this entire time? Do you even know me? It's me, James. I clean the toilet, like, every single week because it gives me something to do. It doesn't need to be cleaned that often, but you know how I am about cleaning-- or at least you knew when we first moved in together."

"You said it cleared your head," James said, remembering. Bugger. How had he forgotten that? He'd spent weeks thinking about this, and not once had he remembered the way Sirius cleaned his room at the Potter's house every single week like clockwork. At Hogwarts had been different because of the house elves, but when Sirius was anywhere else, he liked to clean. Turn on some music, and he spent a couple hours up to his elbows in cleaning charms and loving it.

"Yeah, so why would this be any different? The milk thing- okay, I admit that one did kind of piss me off, but everything else? Even the laundry thing is annoying when it gets in my way, but I don't actually care. Just- for Merlin's sake, come home. I hate it here without you."

"I thought you'd be happier without me," James said quietly, because it was important to him that Sirius knew where he'd come from. The chores were the details that he'd been wrong about, but the conclusion had come from a place of caring.

Next thing he knew, Sirius was hugging him, arms almost painfully tight. James hugged him back, just as firmly. "Next time you think that, for fuck's sake, ask me first. I'm happy with you."

James swallowed thickly. "I happy with you too. Does this mean I can move back in?"

"If you don't, I'm kidnapping you."

#prongsfoot #marauders #fanfic #james potter #sirius black #lily evans #filled #established relationship #no voldemort au #post hogwarts #siriuslystarbucks #Anonymous

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redrobin-detective · 4 years ago

Text

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached.

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control.

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule.

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown.

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments.

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand.

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents.

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture.

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...

#Ben 10 #this took sooo long whoops #i wanna write about ben's breakdown so mad you have no idea

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