#bc thats what i need in my life is more emails

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda]

iwtv ep 1 rewatch thoughts

[i am eating Popeyes right now and i promise didn’t plan it this way, but seeds were planted so here we are.]

first things first we [the viewers] are introduced to our two time Pulitzer Prize winning professor Daniel Malloy. We all come to this course with a variety of understandings of the topic just like in any other course. Right off the bat he’s telling us of his expertise in a pervious recording and at the same time we witness his visible skepticism of his own claims in the more nuanced present setting. if you think he’s the only reliable character it’s very much being challenged in the first few moments, which i’m sure has been pointed out many, many times.

he flips the channel there’s a war happening (clue about where we’re at in terms of timeline?? idk. i’ve only engaged with AMCverse so maybe?) and flips it again and the fantastical is going to become a reality. he just has to put the pieces he doesn’t have together so he sits down to do a puzzle (a devils minion easter egg apparently) and he’ll get those pieces by accepting the extended invitation sent to him by none other than Louis de Pointe du Lac, which picks up from his mail box after trying to fit missing pieces together. very solid intro.

Daniel: Why get any closer to the bug than i need to?

he says before he gets on an international flight and exposes himself to countless risks. It’s what he does tho right? i’ve seen a couple sc of the books where he describes Armand as looking like an insect. he is not put off by getting close to perceived bugs. Its funny tho as he’s asking the question, he’s unboxing the answer—louis’ handwritten invitation—as to what would be worth risking your life for right above the devils minion easter egg.

-bc the bug has been following your career (like the way armand followed him yes?) and you like that

-bc the bug wants you and has invited you and you are a risk taker in the ways an investigative journalist has to be to get to the story/truth. in a way a man who refused to face his mortality chooses to be as pointed out by the lovely tumblr user blueiight here (hope it’s okay that i linked you. lmk)

Louis definitely clinging to threads of the past. in 2020 he’s sending hand written letters (on papers with Lestat’s initials) instead of emails and original cassette recordings instead of digital recordings. A lot if not all of his threads to humanity are threads to the past (“in my day” old headass) since right now he seemingly doesn’t really have any connection to humanity in the modern time. being an out of touch billionaire will do that to you, on top of being a century old vampire.

I think thats another evil that gets overlooked when some of y’all are looking for “he’s just as bad” reasons to pin on him. Instead of the imaginary he bit claudia before bringing her to Lestat…like…in addition to his pimping he’s literally a billionaire. like its right there. that encapsulates the worst ways to exist in this world. he the manpire of humanity as well like…

which i guess is goes into the many faces of violence that fade to the background and don’t get called out enough. violence isn’t alway brutality and i noticed just this past couple of days people only see violence when it’s in tandem with brutality, but im not about to sit here and lecture y’all cause that’s not at all fun. and thats why im doing this. bc its fun. i just think this show does a wonderful job of showing the spectrum of violence and evil and i think you do a great disservice to what they have done here if you’re only seeing those things from one angle. and i think thats one of the reasons why so many people struggle with Lestat and don’t appreciate how masterfully (no pun intended) he’s been crafted bc you don’t recognize those things [violence and evil] anywhere else in the story as being as bad.

if thats Daniels box of the past he doesn’t have much kids stuff, just a pink stuffed animal and a bike helmet, so i wonder how much of his kids lives he’s really missed. Like it doesn’t even seem like there was a joint custody situation where they spent a great deal of time at his home as well. idk maybe he has things in storage. but i’m curious about that and how that parallels with how louis let his own child down as has been pointed out.

ngl he look tf good while he listening back to this tape 😩😅 someone zoomed in on his muscle flexing when he pressed play and i just want to say to you i agree wholeheartedly with you whoever you are.

he mad tho. snatched that letter up quick after pausing the tape. 😂

He dives into the (possible) eternal sunset on a highway that looks like water.

If this is a way to get Lestat’s attention, which I think it can be said is a part of why this second interview is happening given the papers Louis chose to write the invitation on, I think its very pointed that Louis is introducing himself as a keeper of knowledge considering one of his (possible*) final moments with lestat as pointed out here.

one of the last things Lestat ever did before he was poisoned, had his neck sliced, and was dumped in a garbage yard to feed on rats, was humiliate Louis about his love of books and claim the role of the knowledge keeper in their family. I think its a very pointed message that this is a book (especially with all the mediums available in 2020), of course Louis loves books, but also Lestat has beef with books lol (Between Gabrielle and Louis). If there’s anyway to get a rise out him (hehe) its a book where Louis is identified as the knowledge keeper of the immortal life Lestat gave to him. and it’s written by a savory inferior as well. louis could have written the book himself. God knows he has the skill, time and the access to do it so that was intentional. Lestat gone drop through the ceiling of the dubai penthouse in a rage.

*possible final moments bc we don’t know yet if Louis has seen Lestat since Paris etc. etc. which i think he will see him in paris bc of Rolins “can’t burn him twice” comment, but i’m open to being wrong.

i haven’t pointed out anything that hasn’t been discussed extensively, but this is a verrryy solid opening introduction to the show. right off jump they established this to be a well crafted episode.

i need yall to know right now that as we go forward in this episode i cannot be held accountable for who i become when faced with brown eyed louis’ fine self. you’ve seen it yourselves please don’t hold this against me!!!! i am not god’s strongest soldier! i am weak at the knees! i will buckle! i will fold!

[flockofdoves]

im going fucking cuckoo bananas. why is it so hard to fill my schedule to be a full time student for my last semester when i am infamously the type of person who wants to learn about everything ever and jumps at any opportunity to take random classes

have really really really wanted to take advanced spanish grammar for so long but every fucking semester i have a necessary class during that time (due to the epidemic of every class in the world being in late morning on tuesday/thursday) and this semester my One Singular Class I Absolutely Need To Graduate is at that time

so then i was like. oh well. i'll take italian 1 instead since my grandfather has been trying to plan one last trip to where his family is from and if i get to go it will be good to practice italian in a formal context

but then that trip fell through and i just really really want to improve my spanish so i emailed a class for heritage speakers to see if it would be appropriate for me and the professor got back to me and said i was welcome to come to the first class and try it out

and so today i went to the spanish for heritage speakers class and it made me so so excited to be immersed in spanish again and going over the content of the course, with the exception of how i don't really need much writing help since when i was learning all the basics of how to read and write i did that as much in spanish as i did english, all the grammar topics were exactly what i needed and the idea of a class where everyone talks at a high level and theres no english but you still get into the basics of explaining different grammar topics is so so refreshing!!!

and at the end of class the professor was like your spanish is at a high enough level for this class so if you want to take it then see you monday! and it got me so excited

and then the italian class was just really extremely basic. i understand basically anything said to me in italian and know a decent amount of vocab i just have trouble speaking but throughout my life i have at least studied basics like past and present tense and articles and stuff. so my goals were to learn more grammar and make my pronunciation better (i always pronounce everything so spanish and dont have a good sense for what words have which e or o sound)

but this professor was like yeah basically this whole course is just present tense and well learn the sinple past tense right at the end. but i already know that!!! and also unfortunately she has a noticeable american accent while speaking so thats not much help for improving my accent either

so i was like well whatever that makes my decision easy ill drop italian and take the spanish class. but still just in case i asked her about if i could take an italian placement test (was nervous about that originally because the next level up was during my necessary class again) and she was like yeah ive never had to do that before but i can figure that out for next week. which is a little nervewracking bc add/drop ends on wednesday. but whatever i was excited about taking spanish now

but then when i got home today i saw an email from the spanish professor (technically a grad student) like ‘i talked to my colleagues and even if your spanish level is high enough since you are not a heritage speaker here are some classes better suited for you [classes where you write huge essays in spanish which i do not have the time or desire for rn]’

and that was upsetting because i just really most of anything wanted to take a spanish class but then i was feeling a bit better because it turned out there was a new section added of the italian 2 class that fit my schedule and looking through that classes textbook it seemed the exact mix of easy but not boring because ill still actually be learning stuff that i needed. and i even called my mom (who used to be an italian language professor) and read the textbook units and she agreed it seemed exactly right for me

so i went to start writing an email to that professor to be proactive even before taking the placement test but in the fucking half hour since i had last checked the page rhat section of the class filled up with no waitlist

so i looked through the entire search of classes in a certain block of time not on tuesday thursday for my giant university and literally rhe only thing that seemed both manageable and interesting was an intro to japanese class. and i was excited like wow! how did i miss this when i was first searching for classes! only to click on it and remember i did see it and the reason it wasnt on my backup class list was because it doesnt allow seniors to take it

[kemimariesworld]

12th house profection year journal entry #5! DO IT WHEN YOU FEEL IT

i always find it intriguing how many ppl say i’m very open but majority of people have no idea what’s going on in my life lol. 2022 was hell on wheels, expedited shipping. so for all of 2022, i was in a year of loss and it was easily one of the hardest things i’ve been through. knowing it was a year of loss and then preceding to see everything crumble was like 🤣😩😱😦. i didn’t understand why until december. last month everything began to make sense and all i have to say is that anything built on foundation that is unstable with poor motivations will always crumble eventually. whether it’s tomorrow or in 10 years. the life i thought i wanted was one built upon a foundation of others standards, desires for me and my own unhealed motivations. i thought i needed to operate in a way that would provide me with the material “stability” i so desperately thought i needed to be internally stable. but there came a moment in 2021, where i felt so deeply called towards things i really love: creativity, travel, exploration, and never settling. i’ve always wanted to be a nomad but when i felt that calling, i buried it to do the norm and continue pursuing more. it just always felt like there was more. like i needed to grind towards more. i graduated. i had a home. i made a ton of money. i was fully ready to stay exactly where the fuck i was KNOWING i have heart calling dreams! i literally used to have moments where i’d be like “damn, i wish i could just travel freely. i can’t bc i have a lease and don’t want to waste $.” self betrayal out of fear & complacency. grinding due to feelings of inadequacy & lack. settling down at 22. so many ppl settle down & stop exploring. that’s what i did. but i’m a sagittarius 29° 9th house. my journey is to explore unconventionally. the loss from 2022 set me up for this year. for being 23. i was PRAYING for an out and in august 2022, i got an email from my landlord saying i gotta go in like a week. i don’t have to do or pay anything. I WAS OVER THE FUCKING MOON. 😫😭 it was hectic but a whole chance to start over the way EYE wanted to! it’s been 5 months of this digital nomad life & i’ve learned so much. i wish i would’ve done it earlier when i felt it.

I had stability that I didn't want to trade for my joy and freedom, because I didn't want to suffer or struggle in the eyes of society. I was so worried about it all dissolving and I was trying to hold on, but I let go of it all from income streams to my home. Thats something people don't know nor understand. Cause why would you let go of some of your income streams? I couldn't do anything my heart wasn't in. It's that simple for me. It's inauthentic and for someone who reached where I am off of my authenticity, I couldn't do it. So I had to let it go until that passion came back and that cost a lot. It's slowly coming back clearly cause here I am, but bitch I was STRESSED in this state of "I don't know what I want to do with my life!!!!"

Stability is held to the highest regard, but I can honestly say: stability without inner joy and fulfillment isn't stability at all. It's a slow, trickling out of your life force which slowly corrodes your spirit and denies you access to internal stability. The digital nomad life has taught me to redefine what "stable" means to me. What makes me feel safe, secure, sturdy, and fixed?

What makes me feel secure is having options, being able to have a beautiful, comfortable space that I can leave when I want to. Feeling secure is having choices, being free, being allowed to travel. Feeling secure is having the same morning routine anywhere I go. Feeling secure is having my family around. Feeling secure is paying off my debts because I don't have extra bills. I've lived a life of responsibility and the less I have to do, think about, pay, etc, the better. I value the simple life more than I do anything complex and materialistic. You can put me in a beautiful cabin in the jungle and I will be content. I don't need much but a vibe and safety. There are things that ground me as we move from place to place and explore it all. The things that matter stay the same while the material changes.

I'm happy that I decided to pursue what I desire, truly. I have about 8 more months to really figure out if this is what I want to do long term. I have that time to get various things in place to make a decision, but even then, this digital nomad stuff has taught me that things can be changed. Change is okay. For something with heavy 8th house, scorpio and pluto energy... this life is helping me learn to accept change, loss and sudden shifts. I think I needed this life more than I wanted it. For healing purposes. I lost and let go of so much during 22, just to be able to explore during this 12th house year.. which is indeed ruled by Jupiter for me.

[lorisystem]

I feel so so miserable and dysphoric in this society ngl. I feel like i need- not even want but need to be in a place thats accepting of me and that makes me feel loved and welcome or at least. Tolerated or something and that i cant get that. I know its my problem bc so many people somehow live being themselves and taking criticism etc. But i just cant deal with unsolicited comments or aggression etc i just cant. Bear to think that people in society might perceive me to be weird. I feel like people cant be normal around the weird and weak, they just turn hostile and try to subjugate us or at best they become patronizing.

I feel like i dont belong to any community at all not even people like me theres always this or that trait that keeps me from belonging fully and no matter what i always feel like im an impostor pretending to be normal.

I know this is my own issue and im too sensitive to what i think people think of me and how they react to me etc and i shouldnt care but i cant help caring it was literally taught to me the hard way. Everytime people have wanted me so much to care about what they think always its so hard to unlearn.

Im at this point in this reaction of flight cycle where instead of trying to figure out how i could possibly find an accepting community im trying to figure out how to not be dependent on society anymore. My fantasies are turning to like going to live somewhere alone and subsisting by my own mean even if it means sacrificing things like comfort or some dignity i would aggressively protect being alone so nobody can come near me and perceive me or anything.

Obviously thats not realistic etc so. But im still thinking i cant help trying to figure how i could do that.

I just feel like i cant compromise- i cant be happy in this situation at all.

So im thinking the other way out is to die- which obviously is a thing i cant do bc some people depend on me and like. Its so so sad to die even though theres still technically hope of getting better. And its not fair. But im getting these urges and its like not even on a conscious level bc ive been suppressing suicidal urges but i have these parasite thoughts idk to do it in a way that makes it everyones problem bc i resent this society (and no individual in particular) so much and i want everyone to know that they failed and they were trash and they hurt me etc. But i cant pinpoint any specific people that i really resent. When it comes down to people who actually hurt me i think they just wouldnt understand (or sometimes care). No matter what i cant make anyone understand me or what i go through and the pain isnt going away.

And i know this is not a good way to feel or to think bc its very selfish and its nobodys fault in particular. And i have this toxic trait of when i feel bad i think its fair that everybody else feels bad too- which is bad and also i hate having this trait cause this is just what my dad does!! So im repressing thoughts like these and i dont talk about this to people around me bc the last thing i want is to actually harm someone especially if i care about them.

But yea i feel like i dont connect to anyone really. I connect to my spouse but i think its only bc we spent so much time together we attuned to each other but still. He is a person n i guess i need unconditional acceptance and love of my whole being- literally everything i do or say and i know its dumb and i shouldnt want it etc

Rationalizing doesnt make it go away though.

This spiraling was literally caused by a call from my landlord's girlfriend bc shes asking me to fill somth that doesnt matter and i shouldnt have to fill it and she was so rude bc i didnt receive her stupid email. As if its my fault?! N like. This is way more interaction ive had with this landlord than i care to have for my entire life. With these neighbors. I hate it here i hate it here!!!!!!! Theres always drama in this building!!!! I want to be left out of it!!!!!!

I feel like my life is just a nightmare that im trapped in. I have to pretend to be a human person all the time and i have to rely on my imaginary world and comfort interests to escape it all the time but when i think about it this is the only thing that makes me feel safe and accepted.

Idk why im struggling so much just feeling human and living with other people. I dont think anything ive been through is enough to justify this level of dysphoria and distress. I didnt ask for this. I just want to be left alone and live my life but that is too much to ask.

Sorry for the rant. Ill be ok though!!!!!!! Idk if anyone else feels like this but when it comes to DID i feel like for me its all about feeling unimaginable amounts of pain and still being able to function and be ok bc everything is kept compartmentalized. So in the end ill be ok n functional but ill hate it the entire time.

Anyway bye.

- ???

[angustully]

had a bad day at work which was still not even the worst day at any job so i dont need to be as grumpy as i am rn but im just stewing about every little ongoing issue in my life rn where its like. ive done my part. i made the phone calls or i emailed the right person or i made the payment and i did what IM supposed to do but somehow thats never just the end of it is it. bc now i have to wait on other people to do their job and uphold what THEYRE supposed to do and for whatever reason right now it just feels like none of these nebulous entities want to actually help me they just want to hope that ill forget theyre not helping and give up well thats too damn bad bc now theyve gone and pissed me off so im gonna be even more determined. also rn i just kinda feel like crying anyway because im so sick of treading water mentally physically financially all of it im just tired

[softness-and-shattering]

Just for a small example about how posting online isnt activism. This is my personal experience.

I started a gofundme a while back to fund top surgery and help with poverty. I dont share it here bc theres too much personal info for my tumblr account. Not the important part.

The important part is this. People everywhere were happy, thrilled even to share the link. I was on a few different platforms then and people would share and boost and hundreds of people would see. If I was lucky a few people might give me $10 each. The people who sent me money were all already my friends, and plenty said $10 here and there it was all appreciated, and sometimes someone was putting away a percentage for tzedakah or they'd been gifted money they didnt need and they would send some my way. And tbh that money more or less saved my life more than once, and Im not talking about surgery.

All those people who shared the link, ok some of them, were convinced they were Doing An Activism and Being Trans Allies, and here's the important part, only people who donated actually helped me, and the vast majority of donaters were people I already knew. Those hundreds to thousands of shares got me probably less than $100 total. Dont get me wrong Im not ungrateful. Im saying that its ineffective.

I also know some people survive off begging for help here on tumblr and I dont know what their experiences are re shares vs donations.

But my point is that, Im not super well read, but Im pretty sure this is the exact reason we have a word for praxis. Its not just doing things. Its taking literal action that makes a real measurable difference. That might be sending emails to people in power, or visiting your grandmother, or picking up litter. What its not is arguing with people online and stressing yourself to pieces with traumatic news from all over the world in a constant feed. Guilt is not praxis. Guilting other people into pain and stress is not praxis. Literally go take a nap and have some decent to eat so that you'll have energy and capacity to do real good. Youre not Katniss, nobody really can be. You cant yourself overthrow a government or tear down society, but you can build and keep rebuilding society into what you want it to be. Thats how change is made. One tiny little action and decision at a time. As close to home as possible. Dont worry about far off war and the politics of celebrities you will never meet. Worry about your own house your own neighbourhood your own town. Save yourself first and work outwards. Live in hope and action, not despair.

And if youre too young or too disabled etc, start with just looking after yourself. Lower your sources of stress. Rest. Let yourself just be. Its ok if the person youre saving is yourself, its just as noble as saving a stranger. You dont have to shoulder all the worlds ills, make sure you can carry your own struggled before adding extra.

I feel like. Part of the reason we're seeing hot takes like "video games like Stardew Valley are bourgeoisie and you should feel bad for playing them" and "if any actor in a TV show even hints at supporting any part of Israel then we need to boycott that entire show" and stuff like that is.

Online activism does virtually nothing. It does virtually nothing, guys. You can reblog and repost stuff all day and it does nothing. And so there's this desperate need in people's minds to Do Something, but social media platforms have so thoroughly trapped us into the idea that This Is How You Connect With People, that we think blogging = activism.

But nothing we've reblogged thus far has made a significant difference in the world. So we keep reblogging, desperately, convinced that if we root out the real evil in our media consumption or if we pare down our beliefs to the One True Ideal and force everyone around us to share that ideal, then finally Something Will Change For The Better.

Log off. Go give blood; there's a critical shortage right now. Help someone in your community; it might not fix wars that are thousands of miles away but it'll help that person. Call or email your local representative about issues that matter to you. Fucking vote. Do something in the not-online space. It'll matter more than 100 posts in a row about Important Things.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

Tbh I was never fighting for you. I was fighting for me. I was fighting for Nathan.

If you don't want to know me or be with me. It's your loss.... why?? Bc maybe I don't work. Maybe I'm crippled by debilitating mental health issues but I'm a fucking fighter.

When I love I love hard. I have been fighting my entire life just to be seen as Nathan. And I had to fight through critism and judgment just to see myself in the mirror. I love myself and I'm handsome as fuck.

I'm fighting fucking psychosis like a champion..I'm fighting ocd like a champion. I'm fighting anxiety and panic attacks and trauma.

I'm fucking strong. I love hard. I'm loyal as ever. I'm forgiving. I'm caring..I'd drop everything to be there for someone I love and if you don't want me in any capacity.

You're losing out on a quality human being. I do think we were meant to be more than therapist/client but that's on you now.

Ive been listening to James blunt you're beautiful all day and I have been trying to wind down for the last hour so I can sleep!

And you know what I played if it means a lot to you by a day to remember and I cried such happy tears.

If you don't want to know me it's your loss. It'll be mine too but it'll show the type of person you are.

I'm worth it elise. Even if it's friendship. If you don't want me, you'll wish you had taken my friendship you'll wish you had known nathan blanchette.

But thats on you. I await your text or disappointing email....

One day you'll think back if you chose to forgo the opportunity to know me and you'll realize you threw away something that could have been a significant friendship.

I hope you want to talk.

Either way I love myself and I only need me.

I want you but I guess I'll find out the type of person you are.

I'm the type of person who found out you suffered a loss and reached out a hand when you slapped me in thr face with your profile picture. I don't resent you for it either. I stoll love you.

I hope i hear from you but I don't need you. I only ever needed nathan.

[officialkatie]

just putting a long vent under a read more (i hope)

i should have guessed that after a week of sleeping well (bc sick) i wouldn’t be able to sleep. also i hate my monday class. i have 10 left but god at what cost its completely unbearable and the professor is one of the reasons i dont want to teach anymore. how could you say to people going to school to be a teacher “youre gonna be so stressed and good luck bc it sucks”

i know i dont want to be a teacher anymore and im finishing my degree to get the job i DO want. but at the same time i dont want any job. i hate working. how do people do it. how has my high school italian teacher taught in the same place for 51 years and still going? how does he not feel defeated? i havent even started a Real Job yet and i hate it. i havent had a moments peace or a day without something looming over me since ever. since at least before covid. but then that added ANOTHER thing to loom over me that will never go away.

i hate that i have to have a checklist in my mind of all the things i have to do before i graduate. it should be easy!

-finish classes

-student teach

-get certification

but its NOT that easy. bc in order to finish classes thats this semester. thats 10 more sucky mondays with an awful professor in which i also have to observe 15 hours at a school (on top of the 100 required hours i already did, im not currently in a school and i didnt know about this and we were all so pissed and just another reason i hate this professor), 1 more week of incredibly intensive classes which GREAT! more time for the stinky class. 9 more tuesdays bc the schedule is so weird, all while working part time and doing homework and figuring out student teaching and having personal responsibilities and a relationship and maintaining my health. its no wonder im sick. then once the semester is over its work work work. bc i cant work while i student teach. no break for katie. i have to focus on holidays and pretending to care about people who cant even remember my birthday. its not that hard to remember. i remember all of yours so whats up with that. then i go to orientation for student teaching and then i do it. i dont know where yet! bc i have to email the man who’s been screwing me over every step of the way (another thing for the to do list). and once a week while i student teach i go to a seminar class. a new update to the academic schedule means my class could end at 10:40 pm. who does that. i live an hour away from campus. if my class ends at 10:40 im going to fail. then i do that for “75” days (in quotes bc there’s not even 75 school days in the spring semester yet thats my requirement?) and then i graduate. should be easy peasy. then i go to the real word and back to my part time job while i look for real job so i can move out and live with the one person who gets me and doesnt make me feel bad for living. and we’re gonna have a great life together but thats another to do list. find an apartment find a job move pay rent pay utilities try not to kill yourself make friends even though you’re socially inept ever since leaving college and your social life is in shambles. eat healthy.

im literally a mess and im so congested and i hate not sleeping and this is just making it worse. i have james taylor in my head and my stomach hurts so bad bc i ate like shit today. i wish i could turn off my brain and i tried using headspace app and thats another thing. i updated my student status and they sent me a confirmation. yet charged me for full price. and you cant even unsubscribe yourself. you need to email someone and so i did and they sent me back “we got ur email! sorry we’re taking so long:(((“ and charged me with a full smile on their stupid faces. if i can figure out how to rip from that app you bet your asses i will

i really need a break.

i feel so bad getting this degree and its not bc im wasting my own money. my parents are paying and they’re so supportive and dont care that id rather do something education-adjacent and my boss at my part time job says she’d be so happy to have me while i figure my shit out after graduation. all i have to do is drag my lifeless body across the stage at graduation. i have a part time job after that and i wont be tackling things alone after that. i have good references and im qualified for the job i want. all i have to do is get there but its SO HARD and i can’t stop thinking about how much its going to take to get me there. its like looking at a number line. sure YOU see the whole number integers but to me there’s a universe in between 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5. im trying so hard to not get caught up in those universes but man does that take brain capacity i do not possess.

if i have to work forever into an endless oblivion im going to hit myself in the face with a brick. i love having days off and going to museums and walking through the park and going around to coffee shops and record stores and just enjoying life. if my quality of life enjoyment is diminishing NOW what will it be like when i have to go to work every day instead of having off two days a week for school and to catch up on life?? am i doomed to be boring and hate life?? how can i live if i cant LIVE? (2 am drama,everyone.) the thought of taking “personal days” seems like hell to me. i just dont want to work on a schedule like that. i can give 10000% at work its been seen its been done but i control the schedule right now. take that away and it’s over

at least my dog barking at 2 am did not wake me up. i am already up sir and i feel like my butt is on fire. and my legs are so restless.

and another thing? he’s barking bc my sister is coming home. ever since she moved back home things are worse for me. she’s so messy and i am so not and it really gets under my skin and overwhelms me. and she is inconsiderate of other people and takes my stuff. why do i have to parent my older sister. doesnt she know she’s building up my resentment for her. i dont want to spend time with her and my mom looooves to guilt me about it bc of her relationship with her sister. but then she and my dad go and mumble under their breath about how they cant wait for her to finish her masters thesis (not gonna happen,im gonna graduate with my masters before her and she’s two years older than me and has been working on thesis for 3+ years now) and leave bc she’s turning our house into a trainwreck. why cant she just live with her boyfriend who is (to me) deadbeat. nice guy but like i dont even know what his job is? is there one? (also not fair to him bc the standards for partners in my family have been set verrry high: see above future roommate. he is universally adored while sister bf? jury is still out. also i maintain that my sister is a homewrecker. i guess both figuratively and literally at this point.)

anyways my tumblr is getting laggy so i guess thats my sign to end this. im sure that i will not sleep.

[lokorum]

screaming crying sobbing!!!!!😭😭😭

🖤🖤🖤THANK YOU SO MUCH!! 💜💙💚💛❤

and im really the one who should be thankfull hwre bc gosh saying "i enjoyed reading every bits about mérie and luc" would be and understatement!!! the way you stab with words?? like with a freshly sharpened pencil?? and then soothe the pain with longing and melancholy AND helplessness so beautiful it hurts again *but differently*???

(im like 99% sure i made it through the end of the summer thanks to our emails!!! which is like a huge thing to say but at the same time no one cant blame me 😆 the power of having a good email to dive into when everything around is a mess?? is HUGE 😌🫀)

no jokes i want to print your post and just tape it to my heart to be 4ever protected from evil 😖

thank you thank you thank you for being like THE SWEETEST!!! i cant wait for moving to finally end so i could sit down and properly read and reply back to you just UHHH idk HOW youre in the same time like so super kind and thoughtful and drawing for you?? felt better then drawing for myself. and in the same time your writing have a destructive beauty to it.

the one that simply not letting you move on with your life after reading. you cant just go back to make dinner/work/go on the walk. your brain aches for something bigger and infinitely smaller. for resolution, for time machine to set things right, for deus ex machine or the easiest plot twist to deal with uneasiness.

but yet the pain your story left me with is so sweet and unique just ahhh without me rumbling here I ALREADY AM that whats your writing became for me so quickly - something unique, something irreversibly special too.

i never expressed any interest in characters like mérie or luc on my own before, but thats the thing about your story - its quality so up there, that no matter what i used to love, what predisposed baggage i had - from the first words, i couldn't argue with the fact that right in front of me - is art. not quick entertainment, art. not a one hour read to forget about. its art. words so skillfully put together they radiate inspiration; and hours of patience to polish every sentence to sound right in a reader's head.

just insane. gosh it was like?? the part of me was drowning?? in emotions and imagery?? and the other part was repeating "HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIR HOLY SHIT IM REALLY READING IT HOLY SHIT" the whole time. just UGH i so cant wait for more. but BUT no way story this cool is not taking a lot from you to write so pay me no attention, i will wait with the same amount of passion as long as needed, while sending you hugs and support and inspiration!!! also thank you for showing me that i still can read books and the one that i picked before were just boring 😆

All of my nights, All of them here

"Such a commonplace to describe someone as a dream. But he was, my Luc. Clever, well to do and as fond of the strange and grotesque arts as I had based my studies on. We met at a party during my undergraduate years, and immediately made a connection through discussion of Story of the Eye. Carrying on with ease to all manner of other subjects, his presence filled the room for me, his enthusiasm clearing out the shape and sound of the other occupants. The kindred spark struck light between us, the delight of discourse, the comfort of opening ourselves to one another, exposing all secrets non-physical. We knew each other within a moment, saw and recognized ourselves in the shine of each other's eyes. I knew then, for me, there would only be before him and after. 

Within a year's time, we eloped. We had each other. That was all there need be. We rotated our shared and respective interests around each other, indulging and debating and expanding our understanding of the hushed undercurrent. Romantically charged and intellectually bound, it felt as though we solidified each other's existence, sculpted one another in real time, by hands we could touch, words we could breathe. There was no motif there. I truly loved him.

...

I never thought I would lose him so soon. So brutally. By my own hand. But you must understand, I didn't have a choice... We didn't have a chance. We were subject to a game between cruel gods.

I'm overjoyed to finally share my commission from the ever talented @lokorum, of the piece featuring my two Kult ttrpg characters, Mérie and Luc. They're an absolutely delightful person to chat with and after sharing my OC's backstory with them, they expressed such bright enthusiasm to create a piece of my characters, which I'm so utterly grateful for. They had the idea to depict events from their backstory into the paintings displayed along the wall which brought so much more meaning to the piece. Each update left me more ecstatic than the last. Lokorum's gorgeous and unique style, vibrant use of colors, and excellent grip on mood through body language and scenery has breathed so much life into this piece.

Lokorum’s piece is a representation of Mérie’s loss. Consistently revisiting the space where she last knew Luc. He’s been gone now for more years than she was alive when she lost him. Half her life, defined by before the loss. Another half defined by its aftermath. She’ll come back here again and again trying to piece together what happened. A house of memories only able to be maintained by her. Until she finally learns the truth and can never leave. A truth she can't unknow. If only she could forget after one last dance���

[lolpri]

life is getting so good. i'm hopeful... it's not perfect and there are still gaping little wounds but i'm navigating them somewhat responsibly and trying to put in intention into everything i do. i gave some really creative ideas for my group project that we're executing which felt so good. i'm taking up the biggest bulk for the first time which i'm nervous for but i feel proud for not being passive/taking the backseat. he has a new girl and he's so in love... i stumbled upon their shared playlist he made called "for the love of my life" and it's the cutest thing ever. (rereading this, the weight this cliche ass phrase holds is actually insane. The love of Your life. wowee.) i teared up and i'm realising i may always forever do in regards to all things related to him but this time there was no sinking of the stomach or heavy ache in my chest... i felt majorly overwhelming happiness for him. i kept thinking "he did it! he did it!"... lover boy of the universe got what he deserved. i think the world is very kind sometimes. i went on my first proper date-date and he had no interest in me which i was so so disheartened about because he was cute and we hit it off well in text. but he was polite and i now know a good ass coffee spot. i also had my first kiss? with another boy who comes over every weekend and gives me cuddles. i don't think i'm gonna have any romantic connection with him... but the affection is nice and we have a chill time and i think i'll make that clear to him tomorrow, make sure we're on the same page. now i kind of feel like i'm on a downward spiral... like i'm just chasing male validation and affection trying to fill a void but i really REALLY don't think i am on a bad one. i think i'm actually doing good. i could be better but for once i feel like i'm figuring things out... i have a crazy surge of confidence, a little bit more clarity. i mean there's a long long way to go... i need to set routines... hunt for my intern... email the fucking government bc they missed my payout... i'm so irresponsible still, thats the one part i absolutely SUCK at rn. but idk. life's looking alright.

[familiarquotation]

so tell me finally, is last as in the last time or to make something last —to hold, to hold you, to memorize fast—

Kimiko Hahn, Ode to the Whitman Line “When lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd”

[the-breloominati]

also opened up my email today and nearly had a heart attack because theres a fuckin????? ap exam ticket in there?????? and the exam was like idk 2 or 3 days ago so uhhhhhhhhhh

w h o o p s

also theres a new text feature apparently?

now I can finally talk as quietly as I want

tbh kinda feel like I'm fucking up everything today but that's fine

i'm

f i n e

[qqweebird]

so ready to lose my mind today its finals week and we have to move tomorrow morning (YES our apartment scheduled us to move FRIDAY MORNING 9am-11am of finals week like literally one of my roomies has a final during the moving time slot we have. the fuck ??) and ive been out of lexapro for like over a week (not my fault this time) and tonight the same roomie that has an 8 am final has a performance (SATURN, BITCH) so theyre out of commission for the rest of tonight basically and half of our moving time but he and i have to take on the hardest part of the kitchen to pack up. and then in like a week i have to go to a 2 week field camp that is an 8 hour drive away, which i literally dont have a way of getting to yet, and that im almost certainly going to die during from passing the fuck out in the heat or because my spine gives out from under me. FUCK !!!!

[linorangge]

Jaebeom as Your Boyfriend ! <3

(pls keep in mind this is a head canon !) requested by @cuzsadd :)

how you met:

- you worked at a cafe and he came by one day with jinyoung

- jinyoung noticed you glancing at jaebeom a lot and he told beom

- beom was like “,,,,,, ok ???”

- nd jinyoung was like “go talk to her”

- beom stared at you for a hot minute while u were making their drinks

- he thought u were cute

- when he went to get ur drinks you asked him where he got his ear piercings from

- he told u the place nd talked abt his ear piercing journey and stuff

- you thought he was so cool

- he smiled a lot during the convo

- you guys had a whole ass convo abt piercings 

- the convo was so long the ice in jinyoung’s coffee had melted nd when jaebeom finally gave it to him, jinyoung was pissed LMAO

- “I shouldn't have told u to talk to her”

- he was joking ofc

- “I got her number tho”

- “rlly?”

- “yea look”

- u guys texted every other day and eventually u guys were like “lol what if we ,,,,,,,, got piercings together ,,,,,, jk ,,,,,,, unless”

- spoiler alert

- you did get piercings together 

- u guys met up at the piercing shop

- you got an industrial ear piercing

- he got another cartilage piercing

- and then he was like “haha imagine if I got a nose piercing”

- nd u were like “do it”

- he was like “DEADASS”

- he impulsively got his nose pierced

- you held his hand for moral support

- he wasn’t afraid of the nose piercing, he just wanted an excuse to hold ur hand

- and he told u this after u guys paid nd left

- “I wasn't scared I just wanted to hold ur hand”

- u thought he was joking 

- “oh ur serious”

- “yes dude, you’re seriously the prettiest girl I've ever met”

- u were screaming internally

- “ask me out then”

- “ok”

- “oK???”

- “how does Saturday sound?”

- “sounds great”

- skip to Saturday 

- he took u to this lil canal nd u guys watched the stars while u floated in a lil boat

- u guys just talked

- u talked about everything and anything u could

- u learned more abt each other and the other’s personalities

- u realized he was actually a pretty introverted and serious guy

- at least for now

- afterwards u guys got dinner 

- he drove u home nd showed u some material he’d been working on

- u genuinely rlly liked it nd it only made him so much cooler to u

- u guys went on a few more dates

- one day u hung out together at the mall

- he just kissed you out of nowhere and started holding ur hand

- and then he called u babe nd u were like

- “wait a damn min”

- “uhhh why the sudden pet name”

- “ur my gf”

- “u never asked me out”

- “I didn't???”

- this then prompted him to formally ask u to be his girlfriend

- u were in the middle of the food court and u were like🧍‍♀️

- u said yes ofc

- and then u continued with ur day

jaebeom as your boyfriend:

- where do I start

- he was serious at the beginning

- and the more u guys hung out together and the more he went over to ur house the more u realized how weird and random he was LMAO

- he randomly just asks u weird questions

- like actual shower thoughts come at of his mouth when ur alone with him

- “what does the inside of a colon look like?”

- “,,,,, jaebeom its literally 3am pls”

- “hold on I'm gonna google it”

- also texts u shower thoughts

- and u entertain it bc thats ur boyfriend, nd he makes u THINK

- he also just randomly texts u shit like 

- “just walked past this old man wearing boxers in public, with literally no pants”

- “wtf”

- “ikr”

- ANYWAYS

- not a lot of pet names

- mostly calls u by ur name 

- when he does he’ll call u babe or beautiful

- not very into pda

- he’ll hold ur hand nd give u cheek kisses and thats it basically

- he’s pretty private abt his love life, especially with u

- he’ll occasionally post u on social media with simple captions

- u don't hang with the sevens a lot but when u do, jinyoung ALWAYS makes sure he says something along the lines of “I DID THAT” “I MADE YALL DATE”

- jinyoung is pretty proud of himself 

- when ur alone he loves to cuddle 

- loves to kiss u

- lots of mouth kisses??

- he gives u so many forehead kisses

- he LOVESSSS when u play with his hair

- sometimes you’ll be like working on business emails or sum shit and he just lays next to you nd he's like

- “give me braids”

- nd ur like “okay ig”

- u actually ended up teaching him how to do braids nd French braids

- sometimes he spends too much time at the studio nd he doesn't have time to hang with u

- he takes u to the studio with him when this happens nd u sit there and work on ur own stuff

- u bring him food and drinks when he needs it

- sometimes u have to be like “ok bruh u have to go outside or something”

- nd u guys walk around or go to the park

- nd then u let him go back to the studio and wish him the best

- you've gotten into the habit of taking care of him bc sometimes he’s just BAD at it when he gets too deep in his work

the first time I love you was said:

- he said it first

- he was sick as FUCK

- I mean like sick sick

- mans was throwing up, diarrhea, cough, fever

- he was on the brink

- nd ofc u being the caring girlfriend u are

- u took care of him 

- u were making him chicken soup

- he was in bed, full fever, face up with a rag on his head

- u brought him the soup and set it on the bedside table

- “I want to shower”

- u were VERY stuck

- “ok then”

- and u helped him undress himself and helped him shower

- u were cautious and u washed his hair for him and he washed his body

- u helped him out of the shower and u helped put new clothes on him

- and u helped him back into bed nd fed him the soup

- nd halfway through he just stared at u 

- “what?”

- “I love you”

- u were stuck AS HELL

- but he was groggy and he had the softest smile on his face

- nd u could tell that even tho he was literally decaying

- he meant it 

- although he was sick u still took care of him and helped him with everything

- “I love you too”

- beom was sick as hell but god he never felt happier

- nd then he threw up ur soup as u held his hair back

- but he was forever grateful

- he knew that he never wanted to leave ur side

- u were the best thing that had ever happened to him

- in conclusion

- jaebeom SOFTEST BF EVER

- lmk if yall want one of these for another member or for skz

[the-travelling-witch]

Holly! 🥺

Its Cookie🍪

Girl. Today I just need me a black coffee...just pure bitter.

I spent almost three weeks working on a research paper for one of my classes and kept wondering why I wasn't getting a grade. Only to receive an email today saying that my teacher unfortunately lost a fight to Covid-19☹

Sigh...life.

Anyways.

So I dont have a prompt today...but a question thats been on my mind a while now🤔

Among the genshin guys:

. Childe

. Thoma

. Diluc

. Kaeya

. Zhongli

. Itto

. Ayato

. Albedo

. Venti (don't know if you consider him an adult)

. Kazuha

. Xiao

Who do you think are virgins and who are not (what do you think their body count is if they aint virgins) Do you think they lowkey desperate for the action, the wait-for-marriage kinda guy, or simply doesn't care about it?

Thats all for now...Thank you❤

Cookie Customer 🍪

first of all, let me extend my sincerest condolences; even if you weren’t close to your teacher it’s painful nevertheless; i feel like a lot people see this pandemic as a done deal but we need to remember this is far from over

dramatic change of topic in 3…2…1…

suggestive/ nsfw-ish content below the cut (to be safe, minors shoo):

oof, okay here we go but don’t expect too much (warning: overuse of the word probably)

childe (i’m sorry, dear) likes to pretend he’s getting some but no, he has no experience at all; with that job and position at this age you really think he’s getting himself into any positions?

≫ despite talking all that, i don’t think childe would get down and dirty with anyone and while he’s a family man, i don’t think he’d wait for marriage either

thoma is not a virgin anymore but his body count isn’t that high either, hmm maybe one or two? he’s still the dutiful housekeeper of the kamisato clan, there’s a reputation and time management to keep up

≫ he definitely needs an emotional connection with someone before anything happens, so it probably only happens with someone he’s in a relationship with but he wouldn’t need to wait for marriage either

diluc…mmh, what do i do with you? on one hand he’s pretty distant with people he doesn’t know, so i don’t think he’d get any flings going but if he’s in a relationship i could see it happening; i guess we’re all on the same page when i say that diluc doesn’t do casual when it comes to relationships, so the body count is probably 0/1 depending on what i said previously

≫ neither desperate nor abstinent until marriage, more on the “doesn’t care” side of things (listen, he has a wine empire to run)

kaeya, kaeya, kaeya… his body count isn’t as high as his flirty demeanour would make you believe; he’s probably had a couple of flings just for the experience but there were no emotions involved and no strings attached; also, he hits the tavern a lot, people drink and…things happen, you know…

≫ not necessarily desperate but i think he craves emotional intimacy over everything, it’s something he doesn’t receive and give a lot

zhongli is hard for me full stop to judge, definitely not a virgin but he’s probably not as active as he used to be (man is a grandpa /j) but over 6000 years the number’s risen

≫ this man? desperate? yeah, no i can’t see it; i don’t think he’d wait for marriage either, well at least anymore, maybe when times and traditions were different?

itto, just like childe, is all bark no bite; i don’t think he could do one-night-stands though, he needs someone he knows, someone he can trust

≫ i think it’s not that itto himself sees sex as something he needs to have (he wants too though), i think it’s more a peer pressure sorta thing like he needs to lose his v-card to be a “man”??

ayato is another one where i had to think for a bit, he’s honestly too busy to get a lot of action and bc of his position as the head of the kamisato clan, he has a reputation to uphold, so no flings here either

≫ he’s honestly the only one where i can see a “wait until marriage” disposition but that too probably stems from his title, depending on how it’s handled in inazuma (arranged marriage maybe?)

albedo does it for science! or not at all, he’s not entirely human but obviously he knows about this particular activity; fascinated by the idea that something primarily intended for reproduction is done out of want not need, he’s curious to see what it’s all about

≫ he doesn’t really care, at least until he finds someone he’s actually interested in (depends also a bit on how his “research” went), waiting until marriage is just a social construct that he doesn’t partake in, why would he let traditions dictate what he does?

venti (who is in my eyes an adult) is uhhh… has uhhh… idk i can see this going two ways: his archon appearance gives a very angelic/ innocent vibe, like he’s just that pure but we all know venti…he’s not; he’s still lived for 2000+ years, so i don’t think it’s a stretch to say he has some experience but it’s hard to estimate a body count, i’m drawing a blank here

≫ on one hand, there’s his child-like demeanour and appearance but we’ve seen there’s so much more depth to his character, so i don’t think you can just write him off as naïve and inexperienced; on the other hand, he’s the god of freedom, do with that what you want

kazuha is too cool to be a virgin lol; but for real, he just gives me those chill vibes where he’s not really trying but people just flock to him; it’s not like he initiates it, he just kinda goes with the flow, idk how to explain it but i get these certain vibes from him that i can’t shake

≫ as i said, go with the flow kinda guy; not desperate for some action but also not bound by traditions or family to wait until marriage (he travels teyvat by himself, he can do what he wants)

xiao… yeah, karmic debt said no; considering his past, his current duties and his behaviour towards both mortals and adepti, i don’t think he’s been able to be that vulnerable with anyone (yet), he also doesn’t want anyone to possibly be affected by his karmic debt

≫ mortal concepts like marriage hold no real meaning to him anyway, so that’s not the obstacle here; much like kaeya, i think it’s emotional intimacy he seeks more than just physical pleasure, it would require a whole lot of trust for him to give himself to someone so openly in this way

phew, i hope i didn’t sound like a broken record at the end haha; those are just the first vibes i‘m getting but it’s not like i’d defend them to death

anyway, this is all just for fun, just remember there‘s not right or wrong thing to do here, don’t pressure yourself or let anyone else pressure you to do sth you don’t want to; the most important thing is to be comfortable and to take things at your own pace ❀

i hope the coffee and the company helped ♡