#bc so many guys didn’t care about hurting me that i actually cant handle it irl

[gladiatorcunt]

haven’t used tinder in a long time and i rlly only used it heavily when i was 18 bc i could and i was feeling very hypersexual, but seeing multiple guys be like “swipe left if you’re over ___ lbs” was soooooooooooooooooo

(vent in the tags, cw)

[loveijun]

Can we hear your thoughts on KnT Soulmate? English chapter 7 just got released yesterday.

omg hii 🧞‍♀️ ill probably talk a lot more about it later when i read the new chapter but these are some of my thoughts 💗 1 im so glad kurumi gets her own story because after the whole situation with her and sawako in high school, they had such a weird but delicate balance of friendship and i became curious abt what would happen with kurumi later on but the story moves past it and we have to forget about her sadly... 2 i just think the soulmate chapters are amazing and beautiful and I HAVE TO MENTION that it basically confirmed for me that ms karuho shiina did in fact do the questioning of sexuality type of undertone throughout the manga on purpose.. it didnt start off with the typical kurumi and eiji falling in love but with kurumi and sawako being together + kurumi in this umm head space where she's thinking of sawako from so many different perspectives (romantically 💖‼️, as a rival and a peer to learn from, a monumental figure in her life since sawako basically helped her grow as a person and guided her unknowingly to a much healthier mindset, and a close friend she actually felt comfortable with for the first time since elementary school) and coming to the conclusion they are soulmates regardless of anything else. it's also obviously kurumi's personal redemption story but not as some evil villain becoming good... she was never really evil but just a very misguided teenager who at the time made decisions with consequences. this is her chance to... almost like what happened to ayane when she finally let herself go (not a 1-time complete healing but the beginning of it: she took a step out her shell and stopped devaluing herself for deserving love) and redeemed herself in her own mind - is what im waiting for in this series for kurumi. she's confident and loves herself somewhat but is constantly quesitoning her motives, thinking she didnt deserve to be forgiven, and is full of doubt so she clashes constantly in her mind and ends up numbing her sense of urgency, gentleness, and care when dealing with herself. i really want her to cherish herself as fast as possible but she cant just overcome it on her own (omg that theme keeps coming back - you can't grow [to love yourself] in solitude) and it's lacking for her to just suddenly become better when a guy shows up and at the same time rush a discovery process like that so i really love the bit with sawako in the beginning. alsoo i cannot forget im so happy and proud that sawako matured from her intial earnest but unsettling awkwardness to a hmm not mellowed but a more transparent ease with communication and presenting herself while still retaining her honest character. i love love loveee the fact that shes also a lot more secure with kazehaya and when i saw them joking around with each other i had to pause for a moment bc in the beginning shes such a precious and selfless person and that's great and all but she didn't believe in herself at all.. like when the high school class pulled the dating prank on her the way she handled it is hard to watch and very telling of how she sees herself.. she underestimates gestures of love towards her as mere kindness and at the same time overestimates the effort she needs to put in to repay it while also setting a thick boundary and voluntarily putting herself on a level lower than others. but the way that she's now able to understand favors that ought to be repaid, the difference between that and a gift - defined a thing given willingly to someone without payment, helping others without hurting yourslef, being a healthy amount of selfish and etc ❤️ i cant get enough. she even set up a blind date for kurumi can you imagine how far we've come??? now for when eiji appears i was just observing in the beginnig but i love his personality so much it feels like he was gonna be a classic romance mc just rude and insufferable or a stuffy/overbearing kind of nice but his moments of vulnerability and unpredicatability are GENIUS bc kurumi has never met someone like this before (she gets so flustered and is so cute when shes around him sometimes

i feel like crying aww). oimg and i cant forget how interesting this is just becasue its a college setting and not highschool so its more (i hate reusing words 💢 but mature is the word and theres more oppurtunity for things and various situations i think. 'real' dates and staying over at each other's place... and i want to see them in those^ types of situations so badly but i dont think we'll see much 💔). also their dynamic is everything i love how unique their character is and shes (the author) definitely put a lot of effort into every single one of her characters but i did not expect her to give eiji that much depth (i know hes from one of her other works and i need to read it soon and i want to know what happened before he met her so bad 😭.....) ^like at all. i dont have much more to say but i hope kazehaya shows up and meets them all again bc im want their reactions, and i think kurumi is so adorable and eiji is the hottest guy of the series excluding sanada. the end 💗

[seijorhi]

asks :)

i love the post fic bundle of asks 🥺

WHO WAS THE SOULMATE???? ASDFHFHJFKFLF DID YOU MENTION IT? DID I MISS IT? The rolling coaster of emotions was too much sooo I think I might have missed it????

but if it was not mentioned, i'd like to think that it might be iwa or the other guys or gahhh, what if it was a rival????? I believe nothing would push Tooru to the extremes than learning that you're tied to his rival... 😳

Good job again, Rhi! Honestly these soulmate aus are my favorite!!! 💕

ahhh thank you so much!!! 

and no, i didn’t actually mention who the reader’s soulmate was. i was initially going to write the fic a little more in line with what the asks said and have the reader overhear oikawa talking about it on the phone with iwa, and he’d say the name of her soulmate. it could have been anyone, but me being the whore that i am wanted it to be one of the characters, and considering that oikawa was never going to let the reader just wander off back to japan, i figured that the best possible choice for her to potentially meet her ‘soulmate’ would be when oikawa took him home with her back to japan for the olympics - and with the tight hold he has over her, the only people who could potentially come into contact with her, through iwa of course, would be the olympic team.

kags and ushiwaka were too obvious - plus the reader would have likely met them at some point during her life and while the bond wouldn’t have done anything too crazy, she might have felt something (plus i think oiks would have rubbed off on her a little too much - she wouldn’t hate them like he does, but romance? nah)

which then made me think, if you take those two out of the equation - who on the team would piss oikawa off the most to know was the reader’s soulmate... 

there’s just something about that setter pride, right? 

sorry for rambling 👀

I already knew I'd love ani soulmate au you write, but it still amazed me. It was wonderful! 😭🤧 

you guys are too nice to me!! i’m glad you liked it bby!  💕

I loved your Oikawa soulmate fic! Did Iwa lie about the name on Oikawa? Or are there mismatches with soulmates and she is Oikawa's soulmate, he's just not hers?

Wait so does that mean that oikawa has no name on his wrist, he met his soulmate but doesn't care for them, or he has our name on his wrist but it's not actually "our" name it's just somebody who shares our name? Sorry I'm way to slow on this

Love your latest story! But I’m confused if her name was on his skin or not?

i’m answering these three together because they’re all kinda similar. so the name on oikawa’s arm - his soulmate - is definitely the reader’s. it’s a mismatch. basically it was my kind of interpretation of a yandere’s obsessive love - for oikawa, she’s it, the only one he’ll ever truly love, the one person he can’t live without, but even before the reveal of her mark, he’s already very manipulative and controlling towards the reader. he isolates her from everybody else but him and his friends, makes her rely on him because he needs her, not the other way around. it’s not the worst thing in the world, but the power imbalance is huge. whereas the reader’s soulmate would be the one person who would let her shine - help her grow and love her for who she is without trying to steal her away from the world. it’s not that oikawa doesn’t love the reader, or that the reader doesn’t love him, but her soulmate is the one person who would love her the right way, if that makes sense?

NOOOOOO my heart is breaking into a million pieces and oikawa's not even my fav he doesn't even make top ten but holy FUCK this fic is for SURE in my alltime top ten. u just have a way of writing him that makes my heart ache like i still cant reread home like i read it when u first released it n i have not been able to reread it again bc i cant handle strong emotions but like...this fic is the opposite i cant STOP reading it thank u thank u thank u ily sm for gifting us this fic 🥺

bby!!! you are in fact the sweetest? i love you?? pls come collect your kisses??

home is one of my all time faves ngl, and this kinda has similar vibes i guess, but maybe in reverse - home is all about the anguish of falling for somebody who hurt you because of the things they’ve done, and always is about the pain of still loving somebody despite the fact that they’ve hurt you. anyway, thank you sm, this message honestly made my day!

Ahhhhhh! That Oikawa x blind reader! Oh my heart. Soft insecure Oikawa 😭😭😭

he’s awful in this, but dontcha just feel a little bad for the guy? (low key wanna give him a hug for treating him so meanly in this - but he does kinda deserve it too)

now that i see u on my feed, imma read ur fics again hihihihi LIEK I READ IT FOR 10x ALREADT

💕💕💕💕the sheer dedication?? ily anon

uh.. hello.. the chubby seijoh manager.. i.. love it so much is it rude to ask for more?

the full fic will be out... eventually 👀

how do miya twins from breaking point/meet the parents react to overprotective dad (or not even really that overprotective just actually a good parent lol)? I think it’s a really interesting dynamic and obstacle for yanderes because so often everyone else seems fooled or mia leaving the reader really vulnerable. Honestly I wish I could just talk to you all day about your fics beyond being HOT they are also so intriguing and you’re just an incredible story teller!!!!

first of all how dare you make me all soft and mushy?!!?! this was v sweet anon, thank you

BUT i honestly think they’d both kinda write the dad off. if they managed to bully the reader into being in a ‘relationship’ with them, osamu might try to get in his good graces, maybe offer to cook dinner or something just to smooth things over - because it is somewhat implied that even though he despises the twins, if his daughter wants them around, he’d bite his tongue for her sake. atsumu would be the ass that deliberately tries to rile him up, seeing just how far he can get away with touching you, how many sly innuendos can he slip past your dear old dad before he snaps.

but eventually, whether you gave into them or not, they’d try to push you away from your family, isolate you. for one, they don’t want anybody in your life telling you that they’re not good for you when they’re your soulmates. also because they really don’t want anyone else in your life period. why would you need anybody else when you have them?

[kyovtani]

ASKS

hey babies! i’ve decided to answer the asks about back to life one and two like this because ive received so so so many and you guys blew me away so answering every single one of them is the least i can do to show you guys just how grateful i am. thank you so much for giving both parts SO much love, i love and appreciate you guys and the support you’re constantly sending my way with my whole entire heart <33

BYE THE FIC IS SO GOOD SO FAR. MY ANXIETY THO FROM THE ENDING, LIKE PLS KYO REALIZE THE MCS ANXIETY PLS DONT GO OUT WITH SORA PLEASE PLEASE HE SEEN HOW SHE DIDNT LOOK OKAY WHEN HE CAME IN PLEASE REALIZE HER ANXIETY PLEASE

– THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !! this was the very first ask about back to life and it’s honestly the cutest thing ever! I hc Kyoutani to be rally understanding of things like anxiety and depression, generally mental health so that’s why it was easy for him to understand the reader’s situation and mindset! 

BACK TO LIFE!!!!!!!! MY HEART!!!!!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO GOOD!!!!! i was really excited when you started posting about it!! i can't wait for part 2, i wanna know how they fix this!

AAAH !! thank you so much for the love and support baby!!!! I really hope you enjoyed part 2 just as much, sending you lots of smooches MWAH

OH MY GOD THE KYO FIC IS AMAZING

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!!! 

OH MY GOD YOUR KYOUTANI FIC HAS ME ACTUALLY FROTHING I LOVE IT SM

IM NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT MY JAW ACTUALLY DROPPED AT THE LAST COUPLE PARAGRAPHS AS WELL I CANT WAIT FOR PART 2

AAAH YOU GUYS !!! this made me so happy !!! thank you so much and I hope part two met your expectations and you enjoyed the ending MWAH!! 

HOLY FUCK THAT KYOUTANI FIC WHEW IT WAS SO SO GOOD IM SO EXCITED FOR PART 2

thank you for the food <33

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BABY !!!

YOUR KYOTANI FIC AHHHHHHH my heart can’t handle this

I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT BABY !!!

OW THE END ON BACK TO LIFE HURTED THOUGH GDFGHJDFHJRY

Was overwhelmed by the hurty that I forgot to say how much I ADORE your characterization of Kyoutani. fdjkhgjkgdr

THANK YOU SO MUCH !! honestly- that means the world to me, probably the best compliment you can give me :((

Back to life was so good OMG 😳😳 HELLO??? You're amazing

Thank you so much, my love! it honestly is everything to me when you guys tell me such sweet things I love you so much MWAH!!

the new fic did not help me with my insecurities now i’m just frustrated and insecure. great writing tho.

honestly- same. when I wrote this, I lit indulgent every bit of my mind working into this fic and thats why it means so much to me ?? so youre not alone, my love; but thank you so much <33

The way I panicked at the end of the fic thinking there wasn’t gonna be more to it, holy shi that fox was so good I almost cried thinking they were just gonna end things like that 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’d NEVER end a fic like that- I hate bad endings and cannot stand cliffhangers but the formatting didn't give me another choice im sorry for the heart attack baby kfhflashsj but am glad you liked it!

@au-roraaa said: ZADE I WAS NEVER A KYO FUCKER BUT I THINK YOUVE CONVERTED ME HOLY FUCKSJFJSJDJSN

THIS IS MY JOB AT THIS POINT I WANT YOU ALL TO TURN INTO KYOU FUCKERS KSSSOH 

UR THE BEST WRITER WTF?? WHEN DO U THINK PART TWO WOULD BE UP... and does kyoutani flirt with sora 😣💔

YOU GUYS- NOOO- pls my heart made a loop :(( I love you so much :(( thank you baby and I think now you know what he does with sora MWAH

@kawakuto said: hi hi zade!🤩 (ajdjs idk if you remember me but i moved main blogs and I was @/gukooky before LOL) THE KYOUTANI FIC ANDJWNS I DIDNT EXPECT THE END WAHHHH🥺🥺 it was so well written omg I loved it!! (wtf kyoutani, you said we were going slow what if I wasn’t ready to call u my boyfriend wtffff😔😔 pain.)

AAAAH OFC I DO REMMEBER !! hope youre doing well baby !!! and thank you SO much for your sweet words, I honestly appreciate them so much :((<33

pls I’m in love with your writing. You write kyoutani so well so now I’ll always be grabbing at any crumbs you send my way 🥵

thank you so so so much baby!!!! these kinda words always hit me right at the heart, I appreciate them so much and I love you sm much

bb i love ur kyoutani fic sm :(( ur rlly so talented <33 i look forward to pt 2 ^3^

thank you so much baby, sending a smooch your way mwah 

zade that kyoutani piece im in so much pain why would u do this to me 💔💔💔💔

believe me when I say It hurt me even more than you </3

I just finished reading part 2 and it waS SO GOODAJSFHJLFG you did amazing!! (n˘v˘•)¬

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!

Hi! New nonnie coming through :) First time I'm writing something because I'm such a nervous wreck but I just had to

THE FIC WAS SO GOOD THE VIBES ARE CHEFS KISS. IT WAS SO GOOD I LITERALLY DROOLED I CAN NOT GET OVER IT !

Mister kyotani pls rail me thanks 🐱

THANK YOU AAAH YOURE SO CUTE !!! I truly appreciate this with my whole entire heart so thank you so much baby, hope you have a good one mwah

Wait did he do anything with Sora?

nope!! they just went to the party together but in my mind he didn’t even hug her and she didn’t try anything else, too, simply bc she knew how in love he is with reader!!

YOUR MINDDDDD!! THE KYOU FIC WAS SOOOO GOOOD!! Omg i hope you do a part 3 😭😭

i have a Little sequel which is really really soft but I'd love to write some more for it! 

@soranihimawari said: Part 1 & 2 with kyoutani was amazing as always Zade! I really liked the ending. This was such a fun read. I was wondering who’s else would be sharing the apartment with Kyoutani. What made you choose tattoo artist Iwa & Oikawa? Those two made me chuckle with the way they came in like that. Hope you have a great day/evening/late night/etc.

✌🏼&💜

—sora—

aaah thank you so so much, baby!! I truly appreciate your sweet words, youre the cutest! regarding your question: You shares an apartment with Iwa, Oikawa and Yahaba (who also works at the tattoo studio!) and i don't know to be really honest- I just like the thought of these three being really good friends so after contemplating whether or not to go with iwaoi or matsuhana, I ended up going with those two dorks! hope you have a good one baby mwah!!

@sakusapetals said: PLEASEE I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH

AAAH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !!! I LOVE YOU SM 

How long did it take you to write the entire two parts? Like wow that’s alot👁👄👁 i adore long fics though

oooh- hm ?? tbh i don't really know ?? I can’t remember ?? I think it took me about a month or like three weeks since I did write it all in one go yk? it was the only WIP I worked on during that time and it felt SO relieving to publish it! 

AAAHHH the kyou fic was a masterpiece bb!!! ❤️❤️

thank you so so so much baby!!<33

U LITERLALT WRIYE KYOU THE BEST ABSOLUTE BEST. he’s so aggressive and demanding but he still is willing to show someone special his vulnerability. I LOVE READING STUFF ABOUT HIM FROM U

AAAAH thank you so much- you guys have no idea how much these kinda comments mean to me- I love you so MUCH MWAH 

I just read the first part of "back to life" an it had me speechless so many times, almost cried at the end, it's honestly so well written. I'm off to read part two. Have a nice day 🐰

sdoalfsla thank you so much baby! I hope you enjoyed both parts equally as much and thank you for all the love mwah!!<3

Hana is a baddie

SHE IS!! she’s literally the baddest bitch to ever exist ft. saeko ofc but nobody acknowledges it </3

@tonhwa said: I’m in love with the way you write kyoutani pls. Even your previous fics on your old account ( if you don’t mind me mentioning it ) are so fucking amazing. GOSH YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM SO WELL AND THE PLOT IS ALWAYS SO JUICY AND INTERESTING I CANT HELP BUT GO BACK AND READ IT. and then you release this fucking wonderful piece and I feel like it’s my birthday even though it’s already passed LOL ty ily have a wonderful day I’m sobbing tears of happiness

YOU GUYS PLEASE- the fact this made me tear up when I first read it- thank you SO much honestly. knowing you guys enjoy my characterization of my favorite character is honestly everything to me so thank you sm I love you baby have a good one!!<3

I’ve been on this app from high school, and now I’m a college grad. I have to say I’ve never sent a message to anyone I’ve followed. But that tattoo artist! Kyou fic, part 1 and 2 are 😩💕 *chefs kiss* you are one of my favorite writers I’ve ever followed since joining this app. You NEVER disappoint!

-💕 a very satisfied reader

thank you so much baby!! aaah this is honestly so so sweet :(( thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me such a sweet thing, I appreciate it and you so much mwah!!

i gotta say babe THANK YOU FOR THE KYOTANI CONTENT!! muAAAAHH💞💞

NOO THANK YOU GUYS FOR GIVING IT SO MUCH LOVE MWAH!!!

i love kyoutani and he obvs deserves his dick sucked 🤧🤧 but i catch him posting up with other girls I DONT CARE THE SITUATION he gonna catch these hands for a real one 👊🏼👆🏼🤜🏼🥊🥊 kidding 😐😐😐 he’d body me

pls the way this had me chuckling like crazy bc same sajlskjpw he can get mad all he want but he better stay his pretty ass where he is- by my side  😌

[marvinswriting]

just a liability 

prompt: actually wait I WANT to read scary [its a suprise] go ahead lol- bear (bc it's her idea)

Today was awful.

Most days were.

But today sucked substantially more.

Its the first day back at school since my art show. The praise and congratulations from my teachers should feel nice. 

But its all a bitter reminder of the painting I threw at my newest ex-best friend.

My mom was not too happy when I came home with a first-place ribbon and no canvas but that's not the point.

I sighed, stepping onto the tiny platform. Damian wouldn't be done with theater for another twenty minutes but I can't sit in the stuffy tiny halls anymore. 

The hallways were practically empty, as usual for after school hours.

Notice how I said practically.

"So what are we doing this weekend, Cady?" Gretchen asked as they walked down the hall.

Its a question shes directed to Regina so many times. I almost felt sick looking over, looking at the girl who used to be my friend.

Now cold, hard, plastic. 

You made me like this-

I did. Didn't I. 

I was hurt by middle school actions. I just wanted to see Regina's downfall. And I guess I did. 

But at the cost of my friend.

"I'm not sure yet," Cady said thoughtfully. "It's only Monday."

"But if we want to throw another party we should spread the word now."

"Another party?" Cady stops short in shock. Right in front of the tiny pick up zone. 

I turn to my sketchbook, hoping they won't notice me. 

"But we just threw one last week." The concern in her voice sounded just like the old Cady. The nice Cady. My friend, Cady.

"Last week was so- well, last week!" Gretchen says. "I dunno guys." Cady says slowly.

I concentrate on the delicate lines in my sketchbook. Nice, light, thin. Happy lines if you will. 

Ignore the pain of losing your friend. The only girl you've trusted since eight grade. Ignore the pain of your identity being weaponized. Nice, light, thin, happy lines.

"Janis?"

Fuck.

I look up to see Cady glancing at me. "You've been ignoring my calls."

The cold edge in her voice was exactly why. She's shiny, hard, and plastic. 

"Cady, you can't be seen near the space dyke." Gretchen quickly reminds her.

"Gretchen," Cady snaps. "I can be seen with whoever I want. Regina is gone, I make the rules."

That wasn't what you were saying when you didn't invite Damian and I to your party.

It wasn't even the fact that she didn't invite us to her party. It was the fact that she threw a party. That she could have been honest and say she'd rather throw a banger then go to my art show, but she lied. She said she was in Maddison. She sure as hell wasn't.

"But that's space dy-"

"I know who it is, Gretchen." Cady snapped. I jumped back in surprise at the vicious tone of her voice. She sounded like a clone of Regina.

I almost felt sorry for Gretchen. No matter what happened, no matter who was 'in charge' she always seemed to get the short end of the stick. 

Cady reaches out, lifting me up without asking.

"Hey!" My sketchbook and pencil fall down onto the platform as I'm lifted in the air.

Cady turns me over in her hand like she's never seen me before. 

"Put me down!"

"Why'd you ignore my calls, Janis?"

"Cady-"

Her hand closes around me, holding me in a fist. It's not tight, unlike others who have picked me up without asking in the past. But a fist is a fucking fist.

"Cady please, this isn't like you."

"Plastic?" Cady's voice has an unfamiliar edge. "But- I thought you wanted me to be plastic? To help get rid of Regina. Isn't this what you wanted, Janis?"

No! I didn't want anything like this. At all.

"I actually wanted to thank you. For showing me how to be plastic. Because now I've met people I actually want to hang out with."

I tried to convince myself that she didn't mean it. It was all a show for Karen and Gretchen. Cady was just trying to prove herself to be plastic. There was no way she meant all these things. There was no way she-

Her fist tightened. 

"You didn't think I liked hanging out with you, right?"

Yes. I did.

"You're so needy. I need this, take me there, everything just needs to be about Janis, huh?"

My arms were pinned at my sides. There was nothing I could do. 

“Poor Damian has to deal with you and your bullshit."

I freeze. Yeah, insulting my sexuality was a low blow. But it wasn't the lowest blow. Cady knew that. She knew what the lowest possible insult was. And she fucking used it.

"The poor guy," A sick smile forms on Cady's face when she sees how I've reacted. Gretchen and Karen laugh from behind her, prompting Cady to continue. "Even if you weren't a tiny. You still have all those issues. Right, girls?"

She sounds just like Regina. Just bigger and with more potential to physically harm me.

Fuck.

"So many issues." Gretchen says, repeating what Cady said back to her, like a parrot. Karen just nods.

“I don’t know why I ever hung out with you.” Cady admits, releasing me from a fist and letting me fall into her hands. 

"W- what?" I never stutter, but I guess I'm doing it now.

"Mhmm," Cady said, holding my arm between her two fingers, tugging at it. "You were always so weak and fragile. I didn't want the responsibility of that. You tinies can be such a liability."

"Cady. Stop, that hurts." I try tugging my arm back, only for Cady to just pinch harder.

“I could care less about how you feel, Janis.”

I'm starting to feel like this may not just be a show to prove herself to the other plastics.

I mean, what's there to prove.

Cady already rules the school.

Cady already won.

"Put me down. Please."

"And why should I?" Cady asked. Everything about her, her tone, her posture, her outfit- it reeked of plastic. I swallow, trying to push down the anxiety in my stomach.

My belief that Cady wouldn't hurt me was quickly crumbling.

"Yknow." Cady's thumb pushed me backward, pinning me down. "I'm surprised it didn't come to this sooner, Jains."

Her thumb pushed down hard, right on my chest, hurting my ribs. It probably wasn't much effort on Cady's end but it hurt like a bitch for me. My mind thinks back to all the times Damian did the same thing, more cautiously. 

For him, it was a way to make sure I didn't fall off his hand or do anything reckless.

For Cady, it felt like a murder technique. 

Was it that easy for Damian to just kill me this whole time? Was I so much more fragile then I realized?

I mean, Cady sure seemed to be doing it effortlessly now.

I tried to push her thumb away but it was fruitless. I could barely push off Damian's when he did it- and he pushed down a lot softer.

"I can't bre- Cady. Wait- please."

"What?" Cady grinned, lifting her thumb. "Too much for poor little Janis?"

"Space Dyke cant handle it." Gretchen smirked.

"No, she can't." Cady agreed.

The familiar sparkle in her eye was gone. The naive smile she had her first day at Northshore was gone. Her braids that ran through her hair was gone. Her socks with sandals- as horrific a fashion choice they may be- were gone. 

All that was left was cold, hard, shiny, plastic. 

Cady was gone.

"Hey, where's your friend?" Gretchen asked. "The gay one."

She sure as hell knows Damian's name. That was just a cruel dig.

"Oh yeah?" Cady's eyes lit up. Not in the way they used to. Now they shown in a dark taunting way. "If Damian cares about you so much, where is he now?"

Theater. He's at theater. He cares. He just doesn't know what's happening.

My mind screamed these answers but I couldn't bring myself to verbalize them. Cady's fingers curled dauntingly over me and she grinned a little wider every time I shook. 

“Damian doesn’t want you around," Cady continued. "I can tell. Everyone can tell.”

"Everyone," Gretchen said. 

“Stop wasting his time. Stop wasting everyone’s time.” Cady dropped me back onto the pickup zone. “Damian’s gonna get sick of you eventually. Where's poor space dyke gonna go then?"

I froze. Cady never called me space dyke. Through the years I've grown numb to the insult. After eighth grade, it became unoriginal and repetitive. But when Cady said it?

Cady leaned over the tiny pick up zone, getting uncomfortably close. "Awww, did that hurt your feelings?"

I step backward but can't bring myself to respond.

Cady laughs, bringing her pointer finger up to knock me down. "Get over it."

She smiles to Gretchen and Karen, who beam back at her like this was just another normal occurrence before the trio walks away, already picking up their original topic of weekend plans. 

For a long while, I just stay sitting on the tile floor where I was knocked over. My heart was racing and my breath was heavy, something I didn't notice before. Now that I was in no immediate danger I noticed these things. Like the bruises probably forming on my torso from Cady's thumb. 

All her words caught up to me.

Did Damian really find her annoying? Was it that easy to tell? I guess I did have a habit of blocking certain things out- like Cady slowly becoming cold hard plastic until it was too late. I mean, I'd be annoyed taking care of a tiny me as well.  

Even if you weren't a tiny. You still have all those issues.

I get up and walk into the tiny halls. No. It wasn't true. Right?

Damian had to care, at least a little bit.

Stop wasting his time. Stop wasting everyone’s time.

I pull myself into the bathroom, not even bothering to enter a stall. It's after school. Who cares. 

There are tears on my face when I look in the mirror. When did I start crying?

I hastily wipe them away, ignoring how my mascara smudges. 

Why did I let her words get to me?

I didn't let Regina get to me this much?

She said the same things Regina said.

Maybe its because I trusted Cady. She was a friend.

Was.

But plastic is plastic. I should have known better. 

My phone buzzes as I jump away from the mirror in surprise. It's a text from Damian.

"Hey, Jan. Where are you, I'm at the pick-up zone." I read allowed, despite nobody else being here.

My stomach twists at the thought of seeing Damian. Of making him go out of his way to get me home.

I really did need everyone to do everything for me. 

The realization feels like a punch in the gut.

I quickly texted back, saying I left school early, feeling sick, sorry for not telling him. 

Yeah, I felt bad for lying. I'll just take the tiny bus home. Damian shouldn't have to go out of his was to worry about me. He doesn't deserve that.

I slump down against the wall, drawing my knees close. If I'm taking the tiny bus I'm not leaving for another half hour. There's no rush.

Damian texts me telling me to get better. I know he didn't buy it. I was fine earlier. But maybe he did think I actually went home. 

I felt bad for lying, but I'd feel worse being a liability. 

Because that's all I was. 

Space Dyke. The annoyance. The liability. The girl with issues. The one who wastes everyone's time.

I'm crying again. I can feel the wet tears sliding down my face, no doubt taking more mascara with them. 

I don't bother to wipe them away.

whoops, lol- bear 2020 I WOULD LIKE TO DEFEND MYSELF AND SAY YALL ARE QUICK TO CALL CADY SOFT AND INNOCENT LIKE ACT TWO CADY HERON DOESN'T EXIST? anyway really sorry mainly to soy and alex lmao @realmisspolarbear @smallsoysauce @musicallygt

[anotherkpopvictim]

All That You Are (Is All That I’ll Ever Need) - VHope Littlespace Drabble

(Source - taegidda)

Request from starbabiebangtan on tumblr: “Vhope bc i cant resist baby Tae sndjdjdjdj I’m sorry LOL But another Vhope, where Taehyung is insecure because of how he feels like he looks more like a daddy to Hoseok than the other way around bc of him being taller and having a deeper voice than Hobi. Hobi does his best to reassure him that he is his little baby no matter what, and continues to go ahead and love on his baby and it causes him to regress v young bc im a sucker for baby space as well 🥺 ”

A/N: this sounded very interesting! I hope I did your request justice :P And thank you for all the awesome ideas you’ve given me!!

Also, the title is from Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran.

Pairing: Little!Taehyung X Caregiver!Hoseok

Rating: T (swearing, panic attack)

Words: 3250

Hurt/comfort, fluff

WARNINGS: Taehyung has a panic attack in this. It is not very detailed, but I don’t want to trigger anyone.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Taehyung and Hoseok had been together for forever.

Okay, two years officially, but they had also gone through a phase of what the rest of the BTS members had dubbed “everyone else knew you two were together except you” for about four or five years (forever), which wasn't completely untrue. Jimin and Jungkook could vouch for that – they made sure their fellow maknae line member understood just how much pining they witnessed from Taehyung. Hyung line said the same about Hoseok.

But their incorrect feelings of unrequited love didn't matter anymore, because they were very happily boyfriends now. Sure, they had been through their fights just like any other couple did, but in the end, they loved each other in a way that no one could deny and they always orbited back to each other.

More than boyfriends, Hoseok was also Taehyung's caregiver when he slipped into littlespace. The older had a soft spot for the little and their friends always made fun of him for it, calling him “whipped”. Any time that happened, Taehyung would assure his hyung that he was very happy he loved little Tae so much (Hoseok would then puff his chest out like a gorilla, all proud, and it was so adorable honestly Taehyung couldn’t handle it sometimes).

As their Love Yourself: Tear album promotions came around, the two of them were in a place where they were completely comfortable and happy with each other. They hadn’t even had a real fight in months.

So, of course, just as they relaxed, something else came up that threw them off-kilter - this time in the form of insecurities.

It was during a fan sign that it really began. Taehyung and Hoseok just happened to be seated next to each other, and they were very careful to keep their closeness to a friend level. It wasn’t often that management allowed them to sit next to each other, and they weren’t about to mess up the chance they’d finally been given just because they couldn’t keep their heart eyes to themselves for a few hours.

A girl around twenty years old, who introduced herself as Jisoo, was in line to get their autographs and talk to them for their forty-five second time frame. When she reached Hoseok (the second last in the row of seats) she smiled brightly, showing off her cute smile. “You guys are so inspiring!” she gushed, “Thank you for promoting self-love, it's really helped me.”

The lead dancer couldn't help but grin back at her, “I'm glad. You guys have helped us achieve so many of our goals, and we want to use our success to spread a good message to everyone.”

Hoseok passed the girl's poster of all the members (now signed everywhere apart from below Taehyung's picture) over to the second youngest beside him, and they let their hands linger a little longer than they probably should have. Sometimes they really couldn’t help it.

Taehyung gave his hyung a quick side smile, more meaning behind the small action than anyone else could see.

“Oh my gosh! You guys are so cute! VHope for the win!” Jisoo held up a fist in a “fighting!” motion, a teasing grin on her face as she watched the two of them.

“Oh,” Taehyung chuckled, looking away to properly sign her poster. “Thank you.”

“And your size difference is adorable!” she said, now gaining Taehyung's sole attention as Hoseok moved on to the next fan in line. “Hoseok looks so tiny next to you, I bet you could pick him up without any trouble.”

Maybe it was a little odd to say something like that, a little straightforward, but Taehyung got the feeling that Jisoo was the kind of girl to speak her mind.

“Y-Yeah,” Taehyung silently cursed himself for stuttering, but he was a little taken aback by the comment. He knew Jisoo didn't mean anything bad by it, but it made Taehyung's brain start going into overdrive, just like it always did when all he could think about were his insecurities.

She was right; Taehyung and Hoseok were definitely different in size, but not like Jimin and Namjoon were. There was only about two inches difference in height between the lead dancer and the vocalist, but Taehyung was undoubtedly more broad than his hyung. So yes, Taehyung was naturally bigger than Hoseok was, but he'd never really thought about it before now.

Did Hoseok have a hard time picking him up sometimes, like he did quite often in littlespace? Did Hoseok think it was weird that the bigger person between the two of them was also the one to regress into a child-like headspace sometimes?

No, Taehyung told himself, stopping his thoughts abruptly, Hoseok loved him too much for that. He would never hold something so insignificant against him.

...Right?

“It was so nice to meet you, Jisoo,” Taehyung replied, the smile on his face feeling a little more put on than before. “I hope you continue to support us. We will do the best we can for you!”

Despite his best efforts, the thoughts plagued the second youngest for the rest of the day. He had to hide his mood from Hoseok and Jimin, and managed to evade them by saying he wasn’t feeling well and hiding in his room.

But that was it.

After that day, Taehyung was thrown headfirst into preparing for their repackaged album release and another tour. He didn’t have time to really think about anything, let alone the moment with Jisoo at the fan sign, but it was still there, admittedly, in the back of his mind.

------------------------------------------------------

“Jeon Jungkook, if you don’t get down here this instant!-”

A smirking maknae looked down from his spot on the tree branch...thirty feet up in the air. At the base of the tree stood an extremely unimpressed Seokjin with his hands on his hips.

“What are you going to do, hyung?” Jungkook asked tauntingly, “Are you going to put me in time out?”

Seokjin narrowed his eyes, “No, but I will take away your television rights for two weeks, in or out of littlespace.”

Jungkook gasped, looking a little more scared now, “You wouldn’t. You love little me too much.”

“Try me, bitch.”

With an overly exaggerated whine of annoyance, Jungkook began his trek back down the tree.

“Be careful!” Namjoon shouted, joining Jin at the base of the tree. “If you fall and get hurt management is going to kill me!”

“Is that all you’re worried about, hyung?” Taehyung asked, a smirk on his lips as he looked on from a nearby lounge chair, “Not that Jungkook could get hurt, but that management would kill you if he did?”

Namjoon turned away from the tall tree to glare at the younger and smack him over the head. “Brat.”

“My brat!” Hoseok burst out of the doors of their accommodations and pushed Namjoon out of the way so he could cuddle his injured baby in his arms. “Don’t hit him, Namjoon!”

As Namjoon grumbled under his breath and walked off, Hoseok pressed a kiss to the back of a pouting Taehyung’s head. It didn’t even really hurt all that much, as Namjoon hadn’t hit that hard, but Taehyung was enjoying his boyfriend’s attention too much to tell him that.

All the members of BTS were spending a rare few days off between tour dates, and currently, they were in Chicago. Management had rented a cabin-like house on the outskirts of the city for their three-day stay.

“TAEHYUNG!” Jimin screamed as he came running out of the house.

“SOULMATE!” Taehyung screamed, sitting up from his hyung’s embrace like a meerkat scoping out the land.

Jimin jumped on top of the Taehyung-Hoseok pile, causing the two on the bottom to grunt at the sudden added weight.

“Jimin...” Hoseok whined, weakly using his partially trapped hands to push the younger off of them.

The attacker backed off with a wicked grin, “Sorry, hyung!” (He didn’t sound all that sorry).

“What did you need, soulmate?” Taehyung asked, sitting up properly and fixing his messed up hair.

“Oh,” Jimin said like he just remembered why he’d come here in the first place, “Yoongi thinks he has a lower voice than you, so I need you to prove him wrong.”

“What?” Taehyung chuckled.

“You obviously have the lowest voice out of all of us! I just need you to sing a lower note than him so I can get my ten-thousand won.”

Taehyung shrugged, standing up from the lounge chair and starting to follow his eager best friend into the house. The others were only a few feet behind them.

“Taehyung’s voice is definitely lower than Yoongi’s,” Jungkook stated, “I’ll bet twenty-thousand won!”

Namjoon snorted, “You’re on, dumbass. Yoongi’s totally going to win.”

Jin and Hoseok rolled their eyes and looked at each other with matching expressions that said “Idiots”.

They all entered the living room to find Yoongi lounging on the couch, typing away at the keyboard on his laptop. The oldest rapper looked up at the sudden noise and frowned, unimpressed, when he saw all of them filing into the room. “You actually got them, Jimin? Seriously?”

“We made a bet and I’m eager to get some ice cream with the money I’m going to win,” Jimin replied, arms crossed and chin in the air.

Yoongi rolled his eyes, “Whatever. Alright, Tae, let’s go.”

Taehyung and Yoongi proceeded to have a low note battle, while five other pairs of eyes watched on in fascination. It started off easily, but as the notes got lower and lower, Taehyung noticed Yoongi beginning to really struggle to make a noise.

It was Taehyung who won in the end (much to Jungkook and Jimin’s delight and Yoongi and Namjoon’s disappointment) and he smirked as Jimin dragged a sulking Yoongi out the front door and to the corner store down the street. Namjoon slapped the twenty-thousand won into Jungkook’s awaiting palm a little harder than necessary, but the maknae decided not to say anything about it because he had some beautiful money in his possession. (A/N: bts forgetting they’re millionaires part 382750????)

“Ooh, listen to my baby’s sexy voice!” Hoseok exclaimed, sliding up to Taehyung from behind and wrapping his arms around his waist, lips pressing a kiss to his right ear. “So deep and hot as fuck.”

Taehyung chuckled and turned his head a bit so his boyfriend could kiss him on the lips, “Thanks, Seokie.”

The moment was ruined when a certain maknae fake gagged and yelled, “EW!”

All his bandmates (minus Jimin and Yoongi) began complimenting his deep voice. Taehyung accepted the praise with a smile and a light pink blush on his cheeks.

It wasn’t until later that night (because night was the time to reflect on the day) that Taehyung thought about it again.

He never particularly loved his voice like so many did, sometimes he wished that his voice wasn’t so low. Maybe it was because a lot of the comments he saw said things like “Taehyung’s voice is so sexy! He’s such a daddy!” and “V’s looks and his deep voice just scream “she calls me daddy too”” and other things that were a little more...explicit. Now, Taehyung adored these compliments, even the extremely dirty ones, because they were from his fans, but his little side didn’t like it one bit.

The moment with the fan (Jisoo, he recalled) from nearly half a year ago popped back up in his head. Hoseok was smaller than him, and Taehyung had a deeper voice too. Hoseok always told him how much he loved his deep voice, but Taehyung was a little, was it strange for someone in a four-year-old’s headspace to sound like a grown man?

Jimin and Jungkook, who were also littles, didn’t really have to worry about that with their caregivers - Jimin had a naturally high voice and Jungkook easily spoke in a tone reminiscent of a child.

Surely Hoseok had noticed their differences and probably thought about them. Did he hate them and was just too nice to tell Taehyung how uncomfortable it made him? Did he resent Taehyung for being so...strange?

Taehyung stood up from his bed and stumbled from his room to the bathroom across the hallway. He felt a tightness in his throat and a buzzing in his ears suddenly as he slammed through the door. He knew it was the start of a panic attack, and he tried his best to calm himself down with deep breaths. He splashed some cold water onto his face, uncaring that it wet his bangs. His hands then gripped the edge of the counter as his thoughts began to spin out of his control.

He needed Hoseok and he needed him now.

Like a miracle, a knocking from the door broke through the buzzing in Taehyung’s ears. He couldn’t speak, so he just made a sound, something that came out like a mix between a groan and a whine.

And then Jin was by his side on the ground (when had he fallen to the floor?) and holding his shoulders gently. The older was speaking to him probably, but Taehyung couldn’t hear him, could barely see him through the tears forming in his eyes.

Jin turned and shouted something over his shoulder and then a few moments later a frazzled looking Hoseok appeared in the doorway.

Taehyung’s eyes seemed to only be able to focus on his Daddy’s worried gaze as he hurried over to him.

“-Baby!” was the first word Taehyung heard from Hoseok, “I need you to follow my breaths, okay?” The older grabbed Taehyung’s hands and placed them on his own chest, beginning to exaggerate deep breaths for the younger to follow along to.

Taehyung tried his best to take in deep breaths and in a few minutes, he felt his heart rate decreasing from where it was in near hyperspeed. “’M sorry, Daddy” he said, his voice weak from his tense throat.

Hoseok shushed him and moved to wrap his arms securely around him, leaning them both against the bathroom cabinets. “You don’t ever have to be sorry for having a panic attack, Taehyungie,” he sounded a little out of breath, but completely sincere. “What’s going on, bub?”

“TaeTae sad!” Taehyung blurted before he could stop it - little him had always been more open about his feelings.

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” Hoseok replied, “Why are you sad, baby?”

“TaeTae too...TaeTae too...sexy...” the younger mumbled the last word in embarrassment.

Hoseok looked shocked, “What?”

“TaeTae b-bigger than Daddy...a-and he have low voice...TaeTae is bad little!” Taehyung burst into tears, moving to bury his face in his hyung’s chest.

“Oh, my baby,” Hoseok cooed, “You are not a bad little. You’re Daddy’s best boy.”

Taehyung stayed in his hiding place and shook his head vehemently, hands clutching the fabric of the older’s t-shirt.

Hoseok held him closely and pressed a fond kiss to the top of his head. “Do you think I don’t like you because of your deep voice and your height?”

“TaeTae weird.”

“No, TaeTae is unique,” Hoseok corrected, pulling the little away from his chest so he could see the sincerity in his expression. “Baby, I love you so much, exactly the way you are.”

“D-Daddy don’t think it’s weird TaeTae don’t look like a baby or sound like a baby?” the younger inquired, big eyes looking up at his hyung with hope.

Hoseok smiled and booped his nose. “No, sweetie, Daddy doesn’t think it’s weird.”

“D-Daddy doesn’t hurt himself picking TaeTae up?” he asked.

The older frowned jokingly, “Hey! I’m very strong, you know! Of course I can pick up my baby.”

Taehyung would have laughed if the situation were any different, but as it was, he couldn’t help but burst into tears once more - this time, though, they were happy tears. “TaeTae love Daddy.”

“Love you too, bub,” Hoseok replied, one of his arms moving so he could rub up and down the little’s back soothingly. “So, so much.”

Taehyung hiccuped through some more tears as the reassurance filled him with a familiar warmth and calmness. His eyes brightened just a little bit more and his hands shook as he grappled at the older’s shirt. “D-D-Dada.”

Hoseok’s smile grew at the new name, indicating that the younger had slipped into babyspace. Taehyung had to feel extremely safe to fall into such a deep headspace, and the older didn’t mind because baby Taehyung was just as adorable as every other Taehyung. “Hi, baby.”

The younger still had tears shining in his big, bright eyes, but he smiled through them cutely, “Dada!”

Hoseok attacked his face with kisses, causing the baby to giggle uncontrollably. When he pulled away again, the older said, “Now, TaeTae was supposed to be sleeping, but how about we go see if anyone is still awake and wants to watch some cartoons with us?”

Taehyung didn’t respond, but Hoseok had expected that - he was too young to fully comprehend his words. The other just looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky, like Hoseok was the younger’s everything (that wasn’t actually all that far off from what the baby was thinking).

After hitching the baby easily onto his hip, Hoseok stood up and made his way out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom. He laid Taehyung on the soft bed and moved to grab a cute tan puppy onesie from the boy’s suitcase. He kept a close eye on the baby, who was beginning to wiggle around on the bed curiously.

After grabbing a pacifier from the emergency little bag (thank god he had remembered it) Hoseok returned to his baby and slipped the rubber teat effortlessly between his lips. Taehyung blinked up at him and suckled at the pacifier as he watched Hoseok change him.

The older secured a diaper around the little’s waist and worked on zipping him into his adorable puppy onesie.

When he was finished, Hoseok took a moment to look down at Taehyung. The baby looked so cute it was almost too much to handle...so, naturally, Hoseok snapped a picture and sent it to their group chat.

MEMETAN (MuscleBunny - Jungkook, SmolBoi - Jimin, Dimples - Namjoon, JHoe - Hoseok, TongueTechnology - Yoongi, MrWorldWideHandsome - Seokjin)

JHoe: anyone who wants to join baby taetae and me for some cartoons is welcome to come to the living room

JHoe: *attached image*

MrWorldwideHandsome: omg *gasp* he’s so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!

SmolBoi: lol Jungkooks running naruto style there now and im right behind him

MuscleBunny: i csll dibbs on cuddlin the babu!111

Dimples: me too!!!

MrWorldwideHandsome: what about you yoongi?

TongueTechnology: yea ok I’m coming too

SmolBoi: dont act so tsundere yoongi

SmolBoi: we all know you have a soft spot for baby taetae

TongueTechnology: oh yea like you don’t all have one too

JHoe: taetae is very excited to see you all :)

Dimples: we’d better watch some good fucking cartoons or I’m out though

MrWorldwideHandsome: yea like Clifford or Paw Patrol!!!!!

SmolBoi: we all know taetaes gonna be the one to pick

JHoe: update:

JHoe: Jungkook has arrived in the living room and has slipped into littlespace

JHoe: he’s now cuddling with baby taetae

Dimples: OMG IVE GOTTA SEE THIS

TongueTechnology: IM ON MY WAY FOR THE OVERLOAD OF CUTENESS

MrWorldwideHandsome: uwu!

SmolBoi: those two will be the death of me with how adorable they are

JHoe: the cuddle pile is waiting :)

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A/N: not my favorite ending, but yeah.

Tell me what you thought of me adding some background couples and extra OT7 cuteness! I thought I’d try something a bit different this time.

If you would like to request a BTS littlespace drabble, you can go to my Request Guidelines page :)

I love you guys!

[blookmallow]

me starting skyrim: i guess you can adopt kids in this game but that doesnt rly interest me i probably wont 

me 2 seconds after encountering an orphan in the first city i came to: [devotes absolutely all my focus on making money to buy a house for her immediately] 

--

this iS MY HOUSE,

i guess this room automatically goes to my companion but like.... its cozier than the other room.... why cant i have this one who told you you get first pick out of the rooms in my house, that i bought with my money, and did not invite you to come live at, which you Decided you were gonna live at without even Asking Me,

i mean. i love lydia i would’ve let her in if she had asked but. she didn’t :’)

did somebody say vampires

i declined bc i was hoping i could join the vampires lmao but. my later vampire encounters have led me to believe i probably cant do that so maybe ill look for these guys again. the fact that i can have however many save files makes me. a lot more impulsive too bc its like ‘well i can always just do [other thing] on another character’ 

why does this bother you so much 

then i FINALLY GOT A ROOM FOR LUCIA,

i would do anything for you

it took her all of .3 seconds to adjust to calling me mama and im going to cry 

i cANNOT bring myself to take anything from you even if you say i can but thank u,

she collects flowers n stuff its.... rly cute

i gave her the doll.... my precious darling baby girl i will never let anything hurt you ever again

im headcanoning that A) she’s already really independent she’s been living completely alone for who knows how long so she can handle herself when im not around, she always did before and now she has A House and Food and knows im coming back soon (i come back to drop things off/say hi to her pretty frequently) and B) i dont take lydia with me that much bc i dont want to accidentally get her dead, so im deciding she guards my house and looks after lucia when im not around. baby girl’s got 2 moms now 

braith for some reason glitches into my house all the time and i have No idea why (she just snarks at me and then leaves usually) but ANYWAY MY BABY BROUGHT HOME A RATTY WILD FOX SOMEHOW :’) i have no IDEA how she managed to tame it but i am honestly impressed and very proud of her (i let her keep it) (i cannot imagine Ever saying no to her... if she wants a fox she gets a fox) 

thus far the fox doesnt seem to be a problem, i havent seen it acting aggressive toward me or anything else, hasnt been knocking shit over which is what i was concerned about, lucia takes care of it so i dont have to do anything and it just kinda hangs out being our little trash dog im very fond of it 

it also occurred to me that its probably Possible for me to kill the fox and i am mortified at the thought of being potentially able to do that to my daughter,

thankfully i have no reason to ever use weapons in the house so i dont think theres much risk of me killing it on accident (and its usually with her anyway it doesnt rly bother with me) 

UH.... GUYS. THERES. A DRAGON. THERES A FUCKING DRAGON JUST HANGING AROUND DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS OR 

i forget where this was i think it was like. the area just outside whiterun where theres farms/guards/travelers around but no one else was acknowledging it and it eventually flew off somewhere 

then i realized i could go back to helgen, so i went to see whats left of it/if there would be anything there (headcanon: medea was so disoriented and confused during that whole incident she barely remembers what even happened and went back hoping to make sense of it all or find some hint as to how she even ended up there in the first place) 

disgusting!!!!! i love it!!!!!!

the town’s mostly just ruins overrun by bandits now 

apparently you cannot attack through gates (i think i should be able to shoot arrows through that but ok fine) and she couldn’t figure out how to walk around to the door to get to me so we were just kinda angrily staring at each other for a minute 

hhuuUOUh FUCKING FUCK NO I SEE THAT GIANT FUCKOFF SPIDER DOWN THERE IM LEAVING NOW 

i have never in my life encountered a video games spider that actually set off my arachnophobia but these spiders absolutely do and i haTE IT LMAO :’) 

[wildly flailing an axe around trying not to look at anything] EW EW EW EW EW OH GOD OH GOD 

however when you like. make a noise or something and they dont see you yet but are Aware Of Danger and do the little [?????] action thats. actually weirdly cute to me and i dont know why, 

delicious soup

[starrysence]

ralbert for the hc. . thinv. g

ok these are kinda all over the place????? like the ones where theyre not dating yet arent necessarily before the ones where they are dating. its just kinda. scattered. oops sorry 

warnings: 100% swearing. if its ralbert you can basically guarantee that theres swearing

●ok so theres this period of time where nobody can tell whether al and race are dating or just doing bro things like they always do

▪probably bc these two have always been so physically affectionate???? there isnt really a noticeable change after they start dating▪until jack and finch see them making out against a wall and decide to just leave them be without making any noise▪but yeah thats 100% how the boys find out▪"you guys didn't know we were dating????"▪"no wtf you've always acted like a couple we just thought it was the typical Bro Behaviour" ▪they all bust out laughing at that one●race LOVES the snow which is 100% ironic bc he gets cold so easily (can you tell im trying to do as many snow hcs as possible)▪albert doesnt like the snow. he doesnt. understand. race. ESPECIALLY because race gets cold so easily▪"baby why dont you just come inside i can just make hot chocolate and we can binge watch hallmark christmas movies a month too early,,,,,,,"▪"nOo Oo al the snow is so pretty"▪"youre prettier"▪"nice try but im not coming in"▪"aw damn"●has race stolen albert's sweaters during the winter??????? Absolutely ▪has albert cared??? of course not. look at his boy. he looks fucking adorable. he cant take that sweater away from race even tho hes already stolen half the sweaters in al's closet▪one time race was half-asleep on the couch when al got home late from a graphic design workshop and he was in one of albert's sweaters▪al thought it was tje cutest thing hes ever seen▪he didnt want race falling asleep on the couch tho so he Scooped him up and put him down on their bed▪"youre so sweet albie,,,,,,,,, i love you"▪thats the first time either one of them has said i love you since they started dating?????? albert is Shook bc it feels so different now▪"love you too, racer"●these two 100% went through a taylor swift phase together and You Can't Change My Mind▪it includes the ones a lot of people know like shake it off, blank space, etc. but also so many other ones▪they have a whole ass taylor swift playlist but they never really delete it after they get past their phase???▪so al absolutely brings it back when race is going through a breakup▪so here they are. two teenage boys, singing/yelling along to taylor swift songs. ft. like 6 tubs of mint choco chip ice cream and 8 boxes of tissues▪race feels so much better afterwards????▪gives albo a lil kiss on the cheek ▪"thank you, albie"▪albert dasilva? blushing????? pshhhh. nahhh (read: absolutely 100%)●yall Best Believe race can bake like nobody's business and albert Lives For It bc he can barely bake a batch of cookies▪however, the only food race can cook w/o nearly burning something down is italian food▪so usually albert cooks▪but baking???? yall this boy CAN BAKE▪thats actually the reason albert starts falling in love w/ him LMAO ARE U REALLY SURPRISED▪literally theyre like 13 or 14 right? and race has baked a batch of brownies and albert is in HEAVEN when he tries one▪"i think im in love"▪"hahaha with me or the brownies?"▪".....the, uh,,,,, the brownies, duh"▪lol no its race AND the brownies but he doesnt totally know that yet●if youve read my more recent fics u might remember race's sisters▪if noT, he has 4 sisters ok. two older, two younger. he is the middle child. What A Life▪siblings from oldest to youngest: veronica, ilia, race, rosetta, elsie▪albert and race have been best friends since childhood so albert and race's sisters know each other really well. theyre all Pals▪literally???? race's sisters Love Him▪when they find out race likes albert they do not let it go. for a second. race is Actually terrified theyll expose him in fromt of albert one day▪best believe they go WILD when they find out race and al are finally dating ▪the first time albert comes over after theyre dating all 4 of race's sisters TACKLE HIM▪"HELLOOOO FUTURE BROTHER-IN-LAW"▪albert is so absolutely stunned afterwards and race is crying w/ laughter●these two swear. so much. its really funny yall▪once jack dared them to go a whole week without swearing and they didnt realise how hard it would be▪"albert you fu----- fabulous human being, you"▪"stop being such an a----- aDORABLE person, race, my heart cant handle it"▪its actually very wholesome but the week is hell for those two▪the next monday theyre both like "FUCK yes we can fucking swear again thank goodness"▪its a very swear-heavy week to make up for the last one. the boys are Really Amused●race is so full of energy all the time its actually kinda weird for albert to see him tired or drowsy before nighttime▪but he knows if he gives race any form of caffeine or sugar the boy will practically be bouncing off the walls▪so he chooses to enjoy his time w/ sleepy race while it lasts bc while its pretty unusual its also absolutely adorable▪race is even more cuddly than usual when hes tired/sleepy ngl and i mean,,,,,, albert isnt complaining▪al lives for the lil smile race has on his face when hes tired and albert has just kissed his forehead or something. its so cute he swears hes gonna explode●albert is Wonderful at poetry yall cant try me on this i will take it to my grave▪race has no idea about this until they have to write a poem for english▪very open-ended assignment. a poem of any style about anything you want to write about▪albert says his is about one of the best gifts hes ever received and it turns out▪the poem is abt race▪and its REALLY well written half the class is saying 'awwww' and the other half is near tears and smiling▪race is part of the other half. except he starts crying. did i mention hes emotional as hECK●shsjjfjgs amusement park dates▪these boys live for them (also i rlly just want an excuse to write about amusement park dates)▪kind of chaotic bc race bruises really easily AND hes really clumsy so if he and al have to part ways for a bit he might look like shit when they reconvene and albert is like "do i have to fight somebody or did you just do something dumb and get yourself hurt again"▪"........the latter"▪"jesus christ, race. youre such a disaster. but i love you"▪"love you too albieeeeee"

×××

sahjkhdks i love them so much. i think i got a bit carried away with all of these lmaooo so i hope you like them!!

-sanj 💕

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@suddenly-im-respecsable​

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[if you want to be added to my tag list, please shoot me an ask or a message letting me know! i’d be happy to add you!]

[haespoir]

witch / cafe owner ! doyoung

genre: tooth rotting fluff

pairing: doyoung x reader  

warnings: cringe? ? ? 

word count: 1.4k 

a/n: i needed witch doyoung but this turned more into cafe owner,,, so i might do a more witch related one?? ? hehehe idk i just word vomited so i hope you enjoy :-)

ok so you cant tell me that doyoung is not a musical witch 

like say whatever you want 

but he’s got music flowing through his veins

this means he works with music, musical chimes, or rhythm during his spells and rituals !!! 

like imagine him humming and singing during a ritual aaa a. a a

or even playing instruments like the triangle or something 

omg that would be so PRECIOUS 

however 

contrary to popular belief his house is not loud or noisy 

he has little music boxes that he’s charmed to play in harmony with each other ( think merry go round of life from howl’s moving castle ) 

it’s so calming and just ugh. 

it literally calms your soul 

which is a good thing !! ! ! 

bc he runs a small little cafe in town hehehe with the same charmed music boxes 

it’s a small little two story cafe that sits snug between a hair shop and a bookstore

which means he gets a lot of business 

usually he’s able to handle it all

with his little charmed whisks and ovens working hard in the back, he’s never really needed much help around his little cafe 

it’s not until idols start going to the hair shop next door and that means a huge influx of customers bc everyone wants to get their hair done at the same shop as their idol 

spoiler doyoung thinks it’s dumb and the excited shrieks of the fans piss him off 

like when he glares at his fansites,,, that’s exactly how he glares at the fans that come and disrupt his peace

i mean he’s so used to the calm bustle of his normal customers 

the wild crowds that come and go drive him crazy 

and he no longer wants to work the counter anymore 

so a help wanted sign goes up 

and that’s where you come in ! 

you’re actually not bending over backwards broke because of college 

but you’re tired of asking your parents for money and you just want to get your own job so you buy them gifts with your own money 

( aaawww how cute what a good soul ) 

now you’ve always been a regular at doyoung’s little cafe 

every time you walk in your eyes are literally shining because it is so FASCINATING 

you’ve never been to a cafe as cozy as his 

you’re not sure if it’s the twinkling music that dances in the air or if it’s the warm tones of the brick wall

or maybe it’s the foliage that occupies the corners where the ceiling and wall meet that wrap the cafe in this type of comforting vibe 

you often do your homework there,,,, and perhaps take too many naps but it’s kind of inevitable because wow that place is just so calming and cozy 

anyways 

as soon as the sign goes up, you’re the first one to apply and doyoung is like ? ?  i didn’t even have the sign up for two days 

but he knows you’re a regular and he kind of trusts you? ? ? 

which is how you get the job in less than a week 

soon you’re donning a loose fitting white blouse with a black ribbon tie and a warm brown apron, working comfortably besides doyoung hehee

it doesn’t take long for you to really grasp how everything works and you absolutely love working there? ? ? 

i mean given doyoung is usually the one making the drinks and giving out orders while you take care of the cash register 

you two fall into a routine and it’s quite comforting 

lets say about two months pass by and while you love your job and doyoung is one of the best bosses you’ve ever had, you don’t know much about him?? 

you know that, while he’s an amazing baker, he prefers to let his enchanted utensils do the work. you know that he prefers white chocolate over any other ( which is gross doyoung you’re nasty i still love you but white chocolate is NASTY ) and he always is drinking a mango white tea  

but it’s not enough ? ?

so one day you gather the courage to ask him to hang out 

like outside of work 

and good lord did you need a lot of courage 

imagine doyoung, cherry bomb!era purple hair, a dark navy beret sitting snug upon his head as he looks at you, his eyebrow raised slightly in curiosity; a loose white blouse resting on his broad shoulders and it’s unbuttoned enough for you to see the thin silver chain that rests on his neck 

i think i would faint oh my 

but you’re able to mutter the words out “can we hang out, like outside of work? i mean i just want to get to know my boss !!! ” 

and gosh doyoung is so precious he just says of course with the gummiest smile and you feel your heart jump out of you chest 

like the uwu jumped out 

i mean 

perhaps you did have a teensy crush on him 

like you’ve never heard him really sing, but gosh he’s always humming and with the most endearing closed lip smile too 

it reduces your heart into a pile of goo in your chest 

and even when he asks questions like if any goods need to be replaced,, your heart is ZOOMING 

it makes sense that he’s a witch with an affinity for music 

his voice is literally music to your ears and does things to your heart that you can’t explain

so maybe it’s more than a teensy little crush 

a big Crush with a capital C and emphasis on big 

but anyways the big day rolls around and you’re so NERVOUS ! !! !

you guys meet outside of the cafe and soon you’re off down the street 

and your thoughts are just running wild 

does he feel the attraction between you two? 

is it just all in your head? ? ? 

but you’re too shy to ask and soon enough you guys are off to visit a museum,,, about witches hehehe 

i mean people know about witches and in this perfect world that i’ve crafted, there are no stereotypes that hurt them 

so doyoung takes you through the museum and you can literally feel the excitement oozing off of him 

he’s animatedly talking about everything and holding your hand without even realizing it ( or so you think ) 

you’re being dragged around by him, but not in a bad way 

it’s so nice to see him passionately telling you about things that you’ve never really went out of your way to learn about  

and doyoung’s heart is soaring 

bc like you’re so interested in his history, in learning about where he comes from and it just makes him infinitely happy !! 

Big Spoiler: he most definitely has a crush on you and has had one since you’ve stepped foot into his cafe 

but the day is spent so nicely with him ? ? it’s like you guys were made for each other ( going✈soulmate!au ) and you’re so upset that you’ve wasted so much time bc you were too shy 

anyways you guys are walking back to your place bc he refuses to let you walk home alone ( A WWW W ) your fingers are intertwined and they’re swinging with every step 

your heart at this point has fallen out of your ass and you’re going ✈ DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH KIM DONGYOUNG !!! 

all you can think about is how perfect the day was and you honestly wouldn’t mind doing it again 

like everyday LMAOFNS

but you’re in your own world until his voice breaks your little trance 

“you know i’m mad that it took this long” 

and you’re like bro wtf u mean ? ? 

“i’ve liked you since you’ve set foot into my cafe.” 

BOOM ! your heart? ? ? gONE 

you’ve got your phone out, calling a lawyer bc you want to sue him for making your heart explode 

like you literally can’t bite back the smile that itches to break out across the span of your lips and you’re just ?? speechless ?? 

he lets out the most melodic chuckle you’ve ever heard in your life and you’re still searching for words and it’s like he’s stolen them 

he ruffles your hair, with the most affectionate and endearing smile on his lips. you can see the smile lines forming above his cheeks 

and you swear there’s no one else in the world but you two and wow he’s just perfect 

“let’s do this again, soon. and not as an employee wanting to get to know their boss, but as your first date, with your boyfriend.” 

and of course you say yes heheheheh 

[minhyukie]

your oral presentation abt joohyuk was soso cute!! can you give us your onion about the other _____hyuk ships as well !! :O

Ahhhh I Love your Voice

this would be too much to fit into a voice note anyway fjdskf and i think doing Every single mx pairing would be a bit too much for my tiny brain but!!  i’m gonna talk about each minhyuk pairing under the cut, im not sure if they’ll be as enjoyable as the joohyuk one (i feel like im probably best at talking about them since they’re my favorite) but i hope this is what u guys were looking for :D

showhyuk – i feel like their dynamic is v beneficial especially to shownu, bc minhyuk literally thinks sooo so greatly of shownu like u can tell how much he admires him!! he’s always praising shownus looks and strengths in variety and his actions reflect it as well – during the vlive they did abt law of the jungle, minhyuk literally only seemed to care about shownu monitoring him and shownu’s opinions on how he did because he respects shownu in variety so much, and although minhyuk was originally the member who mx seemed to want to point towards variety shownu ended up being that person instead and i think in shownu’s mind it still means a lot to be thought of that highly by minhyuk, who he views as being so good at speaking and variety.. they both just admire each other a lot in that respect and i think its v good for each of them. also – im partially taking this from what i saw a friend say once, but i think minhyuk helps relieve shownu sometimes from the responsibilities of being a leader… shownu is a great leader i’ve said and explained it so many times but also as they said in the one mxray episode it puts a lot on his shoulders and although he is able to handle it well, i think minhyuk really helps to relieve it because he also acts as their leader in so many ways!! and showhyuk really has a soft spot in my heart bc out of all the members, i feel like shownu really loves minhyuk the way he is the most.. when he said during no exit broadcast that he actually loves it when minhyuk talks a lot.. that’s a statement that i think is beyond what many of the other members feel.. i think the way shownu and minhyuk are actually quite opposite really draws shownu into minhyuk and it’s honestly surprising to me how much shownu just.. loves him? he loves being physically close with minhyuk.. and im no Expert on shownu pairings but i rly dont observe shownu behaving that way with the other members as compared to how he … i wish i could make a gifset compilation of it i think about it all the time but shownu is always reaching out to hold minhyuk’s hand… there are so many subtle moments and honestly it’s almost always shownu initiating it.. and obviously the sweet bed scene from right now with minhyuk cuddling up to him, and also at the end of the liev minhyuk did a similar thing.. and how he lets minhyuk quite literally crawl onto him both during the liev, and the moment at isac.. it’s not even shownu just “tolerating” it or anything but whenever he has these physical interactions with minhyuk i can really see how much he loves it?? it’s something v unique to the two of them and i dont think any of the other members react the same way to minhyuk and like i said it’s just. i really feel like shownu loves minhyuk So Much the way he is… i lvoe them…

wonhyuk – THEYRE SOOO CUTE AN D FUNNIE FJDKSLFDS 2017 was a blessing in the wonhyuk vlives it gave us and it rly opened my perspective to their relationship which i honestly think is so complex beyond what im going to say i feel like… it’s hard for me to discuss abt them bc i think a lot of what im abt to say is a lot more my opinion and speculation than me actually having any idea what’s going on!! their relationship really just goes from one extreme to the other bc one one hand they are soo wild like.. they really have no physical boundaries.. when i was coming up with moments to put in my possessive minhyuk gifset i just kept on coming up with more wonhyuk moments i really considered just making it a wonhyuk gifset at one point bc i couldn’t come up with anything else?? a lot of it is minhyuk to wonho but sometimes even the other way around.. but their relationship is also v intimate emotionally? and this is where i sort of trip up and im not sure about a lot of things.. the obvious place to point is the radio show where wonho talked about each of the members and shared about how important minhyuk was to him and how much he had been leaning on and relying on him as a source of comfort… but beyond that it gets a bit fuzzy? it’s very fascinating to watch the two of them and how they support each other, whether its minhyuk encouraging wonho to speak up or during a meet and greet where minhyuk was starting to fret about his role as MC in the background and you could see wonho comforting him and telling him he was doing well.. i think that maybe they’ve shared with each other a lot on these sorts of topics and insecurities, and i think they both share a bit in that aspect (at least at that point in time) about being afraid to say the wrong thing and the way they both search for peoples’ approval.. but then 2017 hit!! and now they’re really just TWO CHILDREN FJDKLSFDS THEYRE SO CUUUTE the way they bicker with each other and i think its almost like they can both be as completely immature as possible with each other while knowing it’s reciprocated? the fact that wonho can say “i wish minhyuk would disappear” without any fear of misunderstanding or annoyance.. the way minhyuk cutely kept saying he wanted wonho to see him as a friend.. their dynamic is really so fascinating to me even moreso recently… also sidenote but it’s cute how wonho doesn’t like eating alone and i know minhyuk didn’t join him for that one vlive (i genuinely believe he was busy) but if u think back to the vlives they did together this year it was always minhyuk joining wonho to eat… :-( i feel like minhyuk rly understands when wonho is a bit needy and is happy to be there for him… like i said it’s hard for me to coherently put thoughts together about the two of them, i feel like i don’t have as strong of a grasp on their dynamic, but i would love to see more :D

kihyuk – Best!! Fucking!! Friends!! like i know im saying this abt every pairing but i truly feel that these two understand each other on some next level, they could literally share a glance and know what the other one is thinking.. minhyuk could tell kihyun to go fuck himself and kihyun would just laugh his ass off with the brightest happiest eyes like… fdjklsfds the video i just recently reblogged where minhyuk was like “kihyun was so good at acting but i hate so much when he gets into the role i hate him” and kihyuns reaction?? FOR WHY. .. WAS HE SO HAPPY FKDSJLFDS… the most important kihyuk thing to me is really just how well they fundamentally understand each other… with regards to minhyuk understanding kihyun, its actually just funny to me because minhyuk just gets so offended when anyone else tries to say Anything about kihyun because He Wants To Be The One To Talk About His Best Friend.. mxray ep6… everytime that psychoanalyst opened his mouth about kihyun minhyuk immediately butted in he wanted everyone to know that He knew the most he knew it all already.. he felt so relieved whenever the psychoanalyst guy said things he already knew.. minhyuk loves putting his thoughts on kihyun out there jfdkslfds but the more soft and meaningful example would be their second year anniversary video – the way minhyuk explained kihyuns role on the team is genuinely the most heartfelt and well worded explanation i’ve heard… even though it’s rly hard for minhyuk to show it he Knows how much kihyun does and respects and cares for him so much, looks after him silently.. and it’s very much so returned, bc kihyun is the only member who i’ve seen accurately pin down (several times) that minhyuk’s weak point or the thing that he wishes minhyuk would fix is that he overthinks his own performance, he overthinks variety and worries too much in many aspects.. while this is something minhyuk himself is also aware of i’ve never seen the other members bother to mention it but kihyun has talked abt it on several occasions and how he wishes minhyuk could be happier by not worrying so much and i think that shows so much about how well they understand each other and their emotions. it’s fascinating to me how much they’ve changed, they used to be so soft and cute with each other, but it’s grown to the point where they struggle being outwardly nice to each other with cameras around and minhyuk especially is so embarrassed to be honest and nice around kihyun but it works amazingly well between the two of them because kihyun is able to take whatever minhyuk throws at him and either throw it right back or just absorb it and be able to laugh because he Knows minhyuk’s true intentions? i’ve never seen either of them genuinely hurt the other with their sharp words despite all they do is bicker… i lvoe them … :( and kihyun also really just. loves minhyuk? as he is? they literally hang out All THe Time and i’ve said it before as has aleena how.. kihyun keeps on ditching the other members invites to hang out? but minhyuk keeps “complaining” about how kihyun always wants to do things and wherever he goes kihyun is stuck next to him?? they just naturally gravitate towards each other and i cant believe they’re gonna be friends into their next lifetime and that they’re gonna grow up with even their kids being best friends. god im sure i have more to say about them but their friendship is really on another level :-(

hyunghyuk – to be quite honest, a pairing im hesitant to talk about these days, moreso bc it make me uncomfortable the way people talk about them oftentimes? i know that im not one to talk abt them much on my blog but honestly ask any of my friends and they’ll tell u i have the biggest hyunghyuk tunnel vision anymore, like.. im hyperfocused on their interactions.. as an overarching picture, i think their friendship is truly something amazing – they’ve been friends since they were 19, possibly the longest friendship within monsta x, and despite being so very different from each other in so many ways they are able to be so close with such an intimate understanding between the two of them to the point where on one of hyungwons bday messages to minhyuk he said something along the lines of there was nothing more for them to know about each other but that he hopes they continue getting closer and learning more and being good friends.. Strong family vibes :-( while their relationship certainly seems different now than it was a year or two ago, i think that their close bond definitely remains, and i think it’s obvious that they still have massive respect and emotional ties between the two of them… i miss their many close interactions but especially over the past months i feel like they’re returning very much so to the way they used to behave :D

joohyuk – my brain is starting to fry and i think the Joohyuk TED Talk explained most of my feelings pretty well so.. for anyone who didn’t listen here’s the link to that!

changhyuk – my namesake!! :D I LOVE THESE BOYS.. tbh i think i wrote quite a bit about them fairly recently so im not sure if there’s gonna be many new thoughts here but… over the past few months my feelings regarding them have been in a WHIRLWIND i love them so much!! i feel like they’re very similar in so many ways and as such when they’re together they can truly do the craziest things but also have a brotherly bond together? i think i feel similarly to them the way i do about wonhyuk, so, similar to wonhyuk this explanation may not be very coherent or cohesive because it’s hard for me to place everything together. i used to rly think that changhyuk were just like.. fuckin wild.. fuckin out there… because they really do some of the most absurd things fdslfds they really practiced twerking and spanking each other during oi and did it on live stage..  with embarrassed but proud smiles.. they grinded against each other Many times during the most recent ISAC literally acting like they were at a club like.. why in the fuck FJDKLSFDS?? but the more i think about them the less that’s my focus on their relationship, like that’s certainly part of it (a funny and yes enjoyable part) but its so much more than that they are Literally so much like brothers to me and everytime i think of it it honestly brings me to tears because minhyuk really has this fondness and brotherly affection for changkyun that he doesn’t for the other members, and it’s not only apparent through his actions but his words.. but it’s not so much in a way that he views him as a child or anything, but that he just completely respects and trusts changkyun with so much? and he wishes for the same in return from him.. i feel like a lot of people overlook the small details between them, such as minhyuk saying that he goes to changkyun when he’s worried about something or needs to get something off of his chest? that he finds changkyun to be a good listener? and that he loves to lay with changkyun whether it be on their couch or on his bed and listen to changkyun’s stories, everything just throws off such warm and loving vibes and imo it’s Extremely different from minhyuk’s feelings or behaviors towards the other members. the thing that most strongly impacted me and i really cant stop thinking about was from their picnic fanmeeting, there was a vcr where they talked about the members when they weren’t listening and minhyuk very beautifully talked about how it was very obvious to him what changkyun’s emotions were at any moment in time, but changkyun is the type to bottle it up and not want to bother any of the members but how minhyuk wishes he would open it up to them because it’s okay? and he even related it back to his own brother, and how the two of them are the same age, and the entire conversation really just made me realize how much minhyuk views changkyun like his own brother and i :-(( it literally makes me cry.. minhyuk isn’t so much the type to dote on other people, but he does it so much with jooheon but also changkyun and with changkyun it is so much more subtle and often overlooked and it’s a shame! and, one final thing, is that changkyun is SO supportive of minhyuk i feel like he understands a lot of minhyuk’s insecurities (possibly as said above bc i feel like minhyuk opens up to changkyun about these topics a lot?) and openly acts to try to make minhyuk feel more comfortable .. in particular, i’ve been noticing recently how supportive changkyun is about minhyuk’s english which i think could be a point of insecurity for him and seeing changkyun encouraging him to speak in english and helping him and telling him he’s doing well .. small things like that are really good for minhyuk to receive because i feel like since minhyuk tends to come off as a very loud and proud and confident person, it often goes over the members’ heads how much he lives for praise and reassurance as well

[taonsil]

I want to ask you why do you think Chanyeol has mental health problems? And please please dont take my words in a wrong way. I'm asking this to understand your point of view only and I know you choose your words sensitively in subjects like this. Its just Chanyeol said he has been stressed, he cried and in hands lyrics you can see he had hard times. But these things doesnt equal to mental health problems. You cant always be happy and positive. Jonghyun was very vocal about his depression. +

+ So people can say he had depression. But did we ever get that kind of vocalization from Chanyeol? (Even if we did I dont know so this is a genuine question) Or was there ever a time period that Chanyeol was visibly depressed? And can we assume anything about the mental health state of idols unless they say anything about it? We see such a small portion of their lives so I dont know what to feel when people say ’… is definitely depressed’ or ’… is to bright and bubbly to be depressed’ 🙁

ok I would like to answer this for you bc I’m feeling strongly about the issue as a whole right now, but especially as this subject has escalated since you sent this, I want to preface it that I’m mentally ill myself and not up to big public arguments so would appreciate this not being reblogged. especially as it would just mean more people seeing it at a time when a lot of people don’t want to think about it. but out of cut let me just say this topic is gaining traction all over the place and getting gross, so I want to make it clear that I don’t think he’s at risk in any way. people are handling this subject very insensitively, even if the intent was initially wellmeaning (which I..think? it was in most cases). drawing attention to the subject in the way it has been and the way it’s just spiralled out of control over the day is awful and I hope people stop the shit they’re doing soon OTL

but ok you asked several questions here, so I can answer the first few easily - no, he hasn’t made any comments that explicitly state he has depression. and other than the longstanding commentary on how he dresses, he’s never been ~visibly depressed (not that there..really is such a thing :s)

the thing with how much we can assume - we can’t. some people hold their private feelings very close to themselves, some are more open, but either way we can’t ever actually /know/. none of us can point out a behaviour (even one we may have ourselves) and say it means something for definite. he has never said it himself, and people picking out lines from interviews or lyrics and saying it’s evidence he’s depressed isn’t right. (especially to the extent people currently are, but emotions are running high right now so I imagine a lot of people are just panicking. yesterday I panicked for him too and felt unduly concerned due to a mixup with information)

but if you want to know why I personally hold that view- I’m mentally ill myself, many of my friends and partners are/have been, my closest relatives are (hell, my extended family is too). from my perspective, I’ve been managing my own mental health (not just depression) and helping others with theirs for a long time, and some of his behaviour raises flags for me. I’m not talking about a specific list of quotes/actions that would indicate depression. I don’t necessarily think he /has/ depression, specifically, I just feel that he is currently in a period of less-than-perfect mental health. I can make personal assumptions about what it means, and they’re things discussed and agreed on with other friends with mental health stuff. people without mh issues, people with different mh issues, may not see or view it the same. whatever our viewpoint, we can’t ever say ‘he does this and it means this’, which is what people are trying to do right now. I’ve probably worded this better at other times, but there’s a world’s difference between idle gossip and clumsy assumptions, and people who experience things themselves. people who will have empathy, recognise behaviours, and care that the people who are helping them may be going through something similar. it’s natural to worry about that. mental health is still a hard thing to deal with and discuss and it’s often present in your fandom experience in some way, if that’s where you go for better feelings. it’s hard to remain neutral on it when you’re tired of seeing the way people talk as though mental health isn’t something that can affect people of idol status, or that someone can be too perfect/handsome/talented/‘better than that’. to have better discussions about mental health, we need to stop shutting down conversations coming from people who know what they’re talking about and want to discuss it (which, again, no one should be claiming/putting forward anything as definite). most of the commentary going around on this is not from those people. (and hey it doesn’t mean they’ll word it sensitively anyway, or tell people it’s beneficial to tell, or use that knowledge in an appropriate way. we all mess up. I mess up. it’s a hazard of having totally open platforms for discussion). to care so much about raised awareness and support for people in the industry who may need help, and then to chew people out for being concerned for someone - it’s a complicated issue that I’m seeing a lot of today. not all idols will want to/feel able to openly state something. prying into their private lives and trying to glean information or claim to /know/ anything is wrong, but it isn’t necessarily disrespectful to pick up on their cues (again, heavily with the commentary I already made ^. it can be incredibly rude and damaging. the extent it’s at now is)

me talking about pcy’s mental health now and previously definitely hasn’t been because I want to alarm or upset anybody, or because I want him labelled as depressed, or because he needs to be on some kind of watch list jfc. I have concerns for him because to me he has seemed in a more fragile state recently, and I can’t just have a neutral view on him when I care deeply and when to me there are cues I can’t just pretend I didn’t see. all I would hope is that we become less crude in addressing it and show him the kinds of love and support he would like to see when he clearly cares a lot about our support for him. I think that of late his outward appearance as a celebrity has changed and a lot of us could do with updating our views on him, because a lot of people are treating the real guy like he’s a fic version of himself from growl era dhjf..and it can lead to fans being unkind towards him when he doesn’t match behaviours they want from him.

at a basic level there are attitudes that need to be addressed - like you said, people making definitive assumptions or saying someone is too [positive trait], or thinking it /has/ to be depression, or that simply caring for someone’s mental wellbeing is a dirty and negative thing to imply about them (or that a lot of conversations about it are loud and thoughtless). and doing what people are doing now, which is so harmful and hurtful and insensitive.

[slythian]

I know their are people out their who wonder what its like to know what someone in certain situations think and maybe this can in someway help someone else out there someday so if you see my post please share it so it spreads out there so people can see it and hopefully learn something from the pain I go through.sorry about any terrible grammar I’ll try my best but i suck at that…I’m going to put what my are issues out their that led me to being the way I am today and share my thought on my depression and suicidal tendencies.I know two of my closest friends will see this either stop here and skip this post all together or continue to read it past here to know some of my thoughts and y'all may know parts and you may not know other parts.this is to help share my mind and my issues where even of I end up failing to continue my fight that most days I feel like I will fail at maybe this post could help others out their or give others perspective to learn from where I failed to.I know I’m putting this in place where I know my family can’t see it though and that is for my peace of mind on purpose.I know theirs alot of people on here and a lot of people do go here for fun art or sharing/try to deal with their problems maybe someone will be able to learn from where i can’t and truly find a way to continue their lives……I have what most people would consider a great life over all.I have a roof over my head,food on the table ,even family and friends that love the hell out of me,I even have a job where I make money to do things I wanna do even with paying bills.I grew up with a loving family that tought me to care with all my heart and treat everyone you can with the best respect you can manage. to live life with your heart and care about everyone. This resulted in me growing up a sarcastic dick head of a friend that most people love to have around in their lives.But I’m one of the most caring persons I know which when u care as much as I do about everyone that can lead to many issues and problems and caring as much as I do has led to many of the problems I plan to talk about here in a few. Since I love and care about people as much as i do this has the unfortunate side effect that when people have messed you over so bad you stop caring completely and or hate them someone can’t come back from that with me normally.most of my life was great and yah I didn’t really have a lot of issues surfacing and any I did just stayed buried to where they didnt effect me to much but growing up a.d.h.d. and a.d.d. and being told your bipolar always taking meds for it all kinda sucks.especially since meds never helped any growing up so always taking them kinda shurked me away from medication. I had to find the things that could help with these things and for me this things I was able to get lost in was art and drawing,music, video games,and the biggest one that always was my favorite thing above all else reading fictional books and stories with things like magic,dragons, faries ect. For me these were the escapes to help me deal with the disorders I was diagnosed with at an early age.my mom and dad were never married and wernt together really after I was born as I was born through them breaking up ironically so kinda a mistake to begin with.but both my parents didn’t live together but have always been in my life and as a kid I loved and lived with my mom and worshipped the ground my father walked on. Now I have three siblings one middle older brother on my dads side we share different moms and my oldest brother and younger sister on my moms side we all share different dads.I lived with my sibling on my moms side and barley saw my brother on my dads side.my dad tried to act like a father to me and my siblings on my moms side which growing up I have kinda realized that my father never really cared about me as much and the kids that aren’t his as he wouldnt pick me up for custody appointed times if he didnt get the other kids which is where of my problems began when I was younger always seems like noone cared about me when it really mattered and always chose other people over me including the father who I worshipped and cared about more then anything as a young child.only people I have always had that never doubted they cared about me even till an adult was my mom and my siblings looking back until these last few years.so I had the issues when younger of disorders I couldnt do much about and a father who didn’t really care about me.now wish those were all the problems I had to deal with.I was born in 1995 and until 2010 you could say my life was great overal compared to what followed but when I was really young my mom dated a guy that ended up creating my sister but was an abusive prick so had that to deal with till he went to jail few years after my sister was born in 1998 other then that was great till I was 15. so when I was 15 years old I decided I wanted do be an idiot and have the father I always worshipped go for custody of me to try and make my relationship better with everyone I currently lived with at my moms better bc during the time period of living with her she married my step dad and all which was great to an extent but always fighting with sibling step dad and mom got old I cared about them so much and hoped by moving out that things would get better.things did and didn’t bc my dad going for custody of me which was my decision even though he wanted it to I asked him to do so.things that went bad for this decision was my mom went back to stripping to help pay bills at the time for losing money to pay on the house we lived in that was going to trying to fight me moving in with my dad since my mom knew my dad was a piece of crap while I had no idea.which when she was driving after wards one night of stripping got into a wreck that crippled her for the rest of her life.I always feel responsible for her wreck and her death that followed a few hears later bc it all extended from a choice I made even if they made their owe choices to.its something I’ve always partially felt responsible for and feeling responsible for the death of your own mother takes a toll after awhile too.but she was crippled in the sense of everything from the neck down she couldnt use right and she couldnt live and survive on her own after that.I went to live with my dad seeing her for custody appointed times after that.for the following three years thats how my life went….going to school living with my dad and seeing my mom on weekends after a decision I made costed her most of her life after that point ever being the same.I know that its not entirely my fault but still always have felt I share some blame for it all too.my dad actually turned out to be the kind of dad whose their your entire life but really doesnt care about you at all just what he gets out of the equation of you being alive and me living with him meant he didnt pay child support anymore.I learned what type of person he was those following three years.my middle brother whose older then me lived with us for awhile till my father put his hands on him and that’s not okay after what I had gone through when I was younger.two of my biggest pet peeves in this world is never cheat on a person and never lay your hands on a women or children both are destructive as hell one is physical abuse and the other is more mental abuse but both can fuck you up so much more then almost anything else.this was when I started learning who my father really was and things got worse after that.. my father ended up stopping me from seeing my mom for weeks at a time when she was sapposed to have me for weekends and stuff which costed me alot of time with her the last few month of her life in 2013.my mom ended up passing away right before I turned 18 and graduated high school bc of complications from a nursing home she was in at this point.after losing time with my mom I moved out of my dads.at the point we had her funeral I learned that she had tried to kill herself twice few months before she passed away and had written me and her other two kids suicide notes and to this day I carry the note I was written by my mom in my wallet everywhere I go.this was my second time facing these types of situations as when I was young family friend commited suicide.so at first my main perspective on suicide was the same as most people out their. That suicide is idoitic,selfish,a cowards way out,a way to hurt those around you,a lot of wrong opinions.when I found out my mom had tried to do so my maine opinions were even though I missed her even if she had done so I couldnt bla.e her for the way her life was at that point I had a different view on suicide which had changed my earlier views on it all to thinking sometimes people dont see another way out all you can do is accept that they did what they decided to do.since then when my mom died my world was turned to he’ll since then my life to me has slowly gotten worse and worse for the last 5 years to now 2018. I had lived with my step dad and sister afyer moving out of my dads and at a certain point in time everything with my mom just started destroying me along with the loss of my grandmother I lost 3 months before my mom.my biggest fear I have learned are loosing the people closest to me to death. It absolutely destroyed me and I havnt been able to heal from any of them can’t deal with pain a big part of how much I care adds to the fact that the loss on the end side is so extreme I cant handle it.so in 2013 I had lost both my grandmother and my mom.fast forward to half way through 2017 I ended up looking both my grandfathers to cancer which messed me up a lot more then I was already while never being able to deal with the previous losses.I ended up being to messed up to deal with life itself I didn’t even know what was happening to me at all to begin with except I was fucked up in the head and wasnt able to feel anything but pain anymore after dealing with everything I have including being abondened at the time by some of the people that meant the most to me since at the time my brothers and sisters wernt talking to me and my step dad had left me to live in his house by himself and my sister went to live with our older brother I had felt abandoned by every one I cared about.it turns out that I have depression and anxiety just having been diagnosed with it recently along with being suicidal when I tried to kill myself by downing a bottle of pills a year ago.I had really good friends ive fucked up everything I used to have with and others I barley saved a friendship with.even if they probably are better of in the end without me around from my point of view.I just dont see why people decide to deal with me a depressive and suicidal problematic person even if they decide to stupidly care. it turns out that depression and anxiety effect everything within your mind from how things effect you to how your brain can interpret things and makes your brain tell you lies like noone cares about you when clearly people do but you can’t run from whats in your own mind so you start to believe the lies that your own mind is telling you.you start to believe that the only escape from the pain is to end your life especially when nothing makes you happy anymore and everything in you life you used to enjoy you can’t enjoy anymore.nothing seems to have any impact but to make you miserable. Your brains tricks you and a lot of people can get help with this.you can talk to people wether a professional or just friends and family..try taking pills that are prescribed by a doctor for depression or anxiety and sometimes that can help for some people like me no matter what I have done nothing does any good for me it has no impact for me.the thing that sucks the most is the day I gave up on life and decides to commit suicide I failed which meant I had to live with the consequences of my actions including the suicide notes I left to friends and family in some cases I almost lost friendships bc of decisions I made and words I put in those letters and thankfully I still have that person in my life but I almost ended that by being stubborn and stupid for feeling things and not keeping it to myself.their are some things though no matter what you do you can't get rid of feeling things for certain people you either learn to live with it being their or hid it from the people who dont want to know its there at all.that's what I deal with now for three people who have mattered the most to me in a different way then everyone else.the biggest thing I have to live with as long as I still do live is the fact the day I decided to kill myself I gave up being their for my younger sister which destroyed her and I have to now deal with the pain I caused the people I love by being me.I always no matyer what others tell me feel like I’m a problem in everyone’s lifes and in the end just hurt the people I care about.but the sad thing is it has been true but the people that care about me have still tried to be their for me even though I think in the end its just a waste of time for those who care about me bc I feel like in the end I’m just going to keep failing everyone around me.the people who love you and are around will tell you your not a failure and you won’t fail.I won’t tell you this since it may not help.the thing from someone in the headset of being exactly here is you may feel the same way I do try your best to find a reason to live for be it a person a hobby an animal if these things work for you find what helps.my problem is nothing helps me even in my situation I’m still fighting to try that’s all anyone can ask for even if you fail in the end you at least tried don’t let anyone make you feel bad for trying to fight.that’s all I will promise anyone anymore not that I wont fail but that I will do my best even if its not good enough in the end.I care and love everyone in my life but the problem is the pain is great and in most cases to much for me to handle pain from withing your own mind is a pain that’s different then any other kind I will always try and I hope everyone out there will try their best but everyones best is of different levels so is everyone’s ability to deal with levels of pain. I try evsrything I used to enjoy and even tried new things nothing really works hopefully I will find something that does something for me but I’m not really sure its possible to be fixed when you are to broken to heal but who knows either one day ill find a way or ill be gone either way that’s life just try to fight to survive no matter who you are out their that’s all I ask from someone who is their themselves is to try.its not selfish to fail but its selfish not to try at all. I dont know if this will ever help someone else but its a chance it will this is my story and I’m still living it at this moment in time. ✌😸✌September 17 2018

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig

[thegarden]

sometimes i think maybe i just have too little self esteem to ever experience mania? idk maybe i’m wildly confused about what a manic episode looks like but all those tests and shit say that like grandiose behavior is a criteria and like....idk friends i just have all this energy and know i should sleep but still don’t and can’t handle social media or netflix anymore but still keep using them and wanna buy shit but don’t have money and can’t stop moving and have a headache but won’t eat despite having a grand total of chocolate chips, ice water, and cheese to eat today and i keep impulsively texting ppl even tho they are all asleep and won’t answer and then tomorrow i’ll hate myself for being the person who texts at 3am like “are you awake” and idk what else what else oh yeah i know i should take my meds bc i forgot them yesterday (or was it the day before? who knows bc i’m in a “forgets time is passing” sorta feel) and remember when you were in the shower two days ago and you realized this isn’t the person you want to be?? and you thought about how you could actually just say fuck it and become the kind of person who you could actually like being and the kind of girl who deserves all these stupid people you keep falling in love with and the kind of human who has their shit together and doesn’t just let people down over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and i’ve typed this twenty fucking times and still cant get into a pattern of muscle memory where i don’t forget the space between “and” and “over” also i just remembered i had a dream last night and i was swimming and happy and idk i was talking to this guy who was doing a weird “bachelor” type dating game to like figure out which ordinary human girl wasn’t a fake bitch trying to date him only bc he was famous but idk he was nice and i wish the dream hadn’t ended honestly i wish i could live in my dreams even my nightmares where my mom is awful again and doesn’t love me as much as she says she does and i know she actually does care because how else would i have inherited a fucking genetic code for this much goddamn emotion like i feel everything and i hate it i hate it i hate  it i hate  it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it i hate it why why am i this way why do i feel so goddamn much and why do i have to be this way when nobody wants someone who is this fucked up because they can’t stop feeling nobody wants me nobody really wants me and if someone does then i haven’t met them because everything just always hurts me in the end and i always end up sweating and covered in tears and alone and wondering why i’m not good enough for the people i care about why is it whenever i get to experience enjoyable things it’s always just a lie it’s a fucking lie it’s a one night thing i’m someone else’s fucking experiment and i can’t even be mad bc i let people treat me like this i can’t fucking stand up for myself and have some goddamn boundaries bc maybe if i let them hurt me maybe if i let people do whatever maybe if i let them kiss me and get me drunk and fuck me over i can pretend that it’s their fault for how i feel when it’s really just me it’s me i’m broken why am i so broken i finally set up an appointment with a therapist after failing to call for months and it’s a fucking re-intake so it won’t help and it’s not until next tuesday so i probably will be back to deluding myself that i’m fine by then but i’m not i’m not fine i don’t know if i’ll ever be fine and i don’t know how to be a normal human and i miss my friends even tho i have already texted one of them all goddamn day and seen one last weekend and one the other night (even tho it sucked i hated yesterday night bc i’m a shitty human and a shitty roommate and it would have been better for everyone if i just wasn’t there bc apparently i even suck at basic cohabitation) fuck i’m hyperventilating which makes it hard to type but honestly why can’t i have a fucking panic attack or something or a fucking heart attack why can’t i fucking die my lips are tingling and i don’t know why what is this feeling it feels like silent screams i don’t even know it feels like i just want someone to hug me and let me fall asleep in their arms so i don’t wake up feeling numb and alone like i always do i wake up from dreams and wish i could feel the type of happiness that only seems to be momentary in those few seconds where i convince myself i haven’t completely irredeemably fucked up our friendship bc i feel like i have i feel like i fuck everything up i should just drop out of school or fucking i don’t know walk into a street or just see how long i can lay in bed and do nothing bc if i tried hard enough i don’t think it would matter who tried to intervene if i could just admit that i don’t deserve anything and i don’t deserve anyone or happiness or kisses or wondering or all the what ifs i make up in my mind i don’t deserve to ask you why if it was just trying to get a reaction out of people did you kiss me in a fucking elevator and if you were worried about me why do you think showing up at 9pm and waking me up with fingers through my hair and making me drink with you because let’s be fucking real i don’t know if i’m capable of saying no to you bc i have no self preservation and i’m just so greedy i want whatever i can get even though i know it doesn’t mean anything and i don’t know if those are tears or sweat dripping off my cheeks right now because whatever i’m feeling right now is like a nightmare that wakes you up in a hot sweat it is violent it’s more violent than any blade i ever put against my own skin and i don’t know if i’m just blaming you because it’s convenient bc this is not your fault at all i can’t blame someone for not having as many fucked up fucking emotions about people as i do and i can’t blame you for being gay except when you’re not except when you’re making out with me or with one of my only friends here who isn’t complicated why did you have to pick maddy to be the one you joke about dating why do you have to pick the one person who is mine she’s my person to call she’s the person who said i could call her after i sat on that fucking bench two years ago wishing i had someone to call because i felt awful and i was 2451 fucking miles from home and everything familiar and my world felt like it was crumbling and we had made lunch plans and she told me to talk to dean L bc dean L is like everyone’s yale mom without being too involved why do you kiss her drunkenly and why do i have this ugly feeling of jealousy inside me even though i know she isn’t interested in you even though you act like you’re actually fucking in love with her and whenever i see you guys together i have to hate you so i don’t let all my own ugly feelings explode on her when she didn’t do anything other than be there for me she’s always fucking there when i need someone and she sends people to let me in fucking redlit doors when i’ve cut my own wrists open in the middle of a courtyard because i let my roommate take out their own issues on me and i laid down like a fucking doormat while they did it and you know what 

you’re totally right. i know you say it jokingly but i am so fucking weak. i’m so weak. you say that like it’s not true or like you’re just talking about an immune system or idk maybe you are talking completely seriously because sometimes i think my best friend is actually right and that i shouldn’t forgive you for turning my own fucking brain and its inability to be rational and produce serotonin like a normal 3 pound meat slab piloting an even bigger meat slab should because i know i’ve definitely felt less than that moment but wow it’s definitely top three when the gay guy you’re in love with because maybe that was just another violence i could inflict on myself maybe falling in love is just another way i self harm and honestly the most effective way because you’re not the only person i’ve ever felt too much for and it’s left me damaged every time of course that’s assuming i was ever not damaged in the first place lmao what a thought i’m pretty sure i was born broken but back to the point i hate when i realize that he’s right and i can’t even disagree like what kind of friend thinks that threatening to get me expelled or forced into a leave of absence bc of my mental illness is okay what human person with an actual fucking soul looks at someone who can barely keep their guts inside their body who fucking spews emotions at strangers in the street because they hurt so much inside and when they don’t hurt it’s because they’re numb and not in a painless way but in that “not wanting to exist doesn’t sound that horrible like ‘at least your not suicidal’ you think to yourself while knowing deep down it’s actually a horrible awful violent life altering way to feel” something you never really recover from type of numbness and i don’t know how i don’t even have the capacity to hate you for taking the one thing i hate most about myself the one thing i can’t change about myself even though i’m going to spend the rest of my goddamn life trying (and even if i fail it’ll still be the rest of my life lmao) how did you ever think it was okay to say that to me how how how how on earth i know you had good intentions but dammit do you ever actually think before you say shit like that do you think about what it feels like to be going crazy inside your own head while completely aware and unable to stop yourself like you don’t you don’t fucking know what it feels like to be sinking into a pit of self hatred and knowing that you could just take a goddamn pill every day like you’re supposed to and keep a routine and socialize and do meaningful work and it would mostly be okay but for some reason you get halfway there halfway to okay and things fucking explode all over again and it’s square one and it’s not that easy it’s simple but it’s not that easy it’s not easy to have to depend on a pill to keep you from replaying the first time you looked at your mom’s kitchen knives and thinking that you should really be in a different room than them because you’re wondering what it would be like to feel them split the skin on your wrists and your arms and your throat but not your thighs because they hurt just thinking about knives and what is point if no one can see what is the point if nobody fucking notices that you’re in pain i just want someone to acknowledge that i’m hurting this hurts i can’t live my life without it constantly hurting it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and i just wish someone would realize that i wish you would realize and hold me like it’s not an obligation of friendship and kiss me not on the lips and not while we are both drunk but kiss my forehead and stroke my hair and remind me that it’s gonna be okay tomorrow because sometimes that’s too much to imagine and i think the only time i’ve ever felt safe from myself was when you are next to me on a couch and not being weird about me being within 3 inches of you because I can’t read you on a lot of things but I can always tell when someone doesn’t want to touch me or be near or see me or be in a room with me trust me as someone who’s been fat as fuck their entire life I know what that repulsion of I Don’t Want to Touch This Girl Her Existing This Close to Me Makes Me Uncomfortable feels like I can smell it on people I can read it in the way you never reciprocate when you’re sober the way you treat hurting me in small ways like a game and I get it I really do because I spent so much of my life reveling in the little ways I could make someone flinch just by pushing the right button or phrasing something in the right way or pretending to know more about that thing that makes them obviously uncomfortable the things people hate about themselves and I reveled in it I used to be so goddamn expert at manipulation and you think I didn’t realize that you were manipulating me? I always knew and I let you do it even though I kept getting hurt and wasting time wondering about shit wondering if today was the day you would actually take this world and education and the only place I’ve ever been allowed to be myself completely away just because you didn’t know what to do when a girl comes to you with cuts on her wrists bitch you just gotta fucking care just fucking wrap me in a hug and tell me not to do it again and tell me that it’s not stupid when I thought about texting you before instead of cutting or walking into a street without looking or running full speed into a cement wall at midnight because maybe that would help you’re supposed to say that “even if i don’t respond right away you can still text me and say you’re having a shit night and then cry yourself to sleep waiting for a reply that won’t come instead of hurting yourself” you don’t even have to say that though you literally could have just actually touched me i just want someone to touch me i just want to feel like i’m not as disgusting as everything i’ve ever done wrong not as disgusting as i’m supposed to feel in a body this big not as disgusting as every horrible thing i’ve ever said to make someone else hurt 

i just want to know...was it to fuck with me? was it to see how i’d react? do you even remember doing it? what do you actually fucking want from me?? because I accepted that you’re gay and not interested and I tried....I tried so hard to just leave it at that but...i can handle you still holding my hand and shit bc that’s your sense of humor. i can handle that you’re gay except when you’re drunk. i can handle that i don’t have a dick so it’s a no go and that i’m not even attractive if you did like girls and i can handle you saying no and letting time pass and letting the part of me that cares too much about you shrink until we can be friends again. that was all fine. what i can’t do is the inconsistency. i can’t do the gaslighting not even with words but with behavior. because one day you’re gay and not interested and the next you’re making out with me bc whatever and apparently you’re bi and not interested in me but interested in what fucking a girl would be like but then the next day you’re telling ppl you’re actually straight and there isn’t much to contradict the point bc first you kissed maddy and then you kissed natalie bc apparently if i even marginally enjoy hanging out with someone who is female it puts a target on them or maybe it’s just anyone i have any single feeling for no matter in what capacity bc i thought arty was cute for like 2 days once and then the next week i find out yall fucked and idk if i’m more annoyed by your shitty taste in bed partners (seriously you’re gonna go from mr. control freak to arty???) or the fact that it wasn’t even enjoyable but anyway i digress back to your supposed straightness bc i guess what i’m trying to say is i’m just sick of guessing here. i’m sick of guessing whether you’re gonna kiss me again or whether you’re actually bi or whether you’re just repressing yourself bc being gay and religious sucks or if this is all just a fucking game to you. i like to think there is always a bit of honesty in what people do while drunk off their asses but sometimes i wonder if that applies to you because it’s honestly hard to tell what is honest about you when you aren’t drunk so fuck that 

idk i probably just need to take my meds and i’ll probably regret saying any of this in the morning if i can even bring myself to hit the post button because i think i blame you too much when i’m trying to work out my own problems and honestly you’re not a bad person you’re just you and tbh you’re my friend no matter what because i may be a basket case but i’m loyal if nothing else like you could literally shoot me in the fucking stomach and i’d still be like “yeah we’re friends you need anything bro” but like idk i keep thinking and trying to work my shit out and i know there is a lot of work i need to do on myself but i just keep coming around to one thing after i get through all the stuff that’s completely on me i finally get around to the stuff i can’t answer on my own or blame myself completely for and there is always this one nagging thing left ever since two weeks ago

why did you kiss me in the elevator? 

okay maybe two things...because there is the whole why kiss me in an elevator when no one is there to react and we are dangerously close to your room and it’s already been like an hour since either of us drank anything but there is also the question of why did i like it so much